#estrogen could save them perhaps

[millidew]

the common consensus seems to be that they a) already are middle aged lesbians or b) will become middle aged lesbians

[impuretale]

So a health update. Also a general warning: if you have periods and they are painful, tell your doctor. We have a tendency to accept certain levels of discomfort as inevitable, something that is just part of life. This leads to missed diagnoses and actions that could save your life, if not just improve its quality. So just do it.

What has been going on with me:

Almost two years after having my stroke, I finally decided I wanted to get on an IUD. There were several reasons, other than, you know, wanting to get on birth control before Republican America tries to make it illegal: The first and most important is that with mobility issues and being on disability, handling a period every month is both physically very difficult and a financial burden I can no longer afford. Especially as cost of living continues to go up while benefits, meager as they are, do not.

The second is that my periods are painful. And because they became moreso after I had been in the hospital, I took it as a matter of adjustment and my course righting itself. I had undiagnosed diabetes for years, so my hormones did not start to balance themselves until after I was diagnosed and properly medicated. I was correct, but only partly. I arranged to get an IUD with the promise it would not just make my periods milder, but after some months make them stop altogether: it was also birth control I could safely take without having another stroke. (Permanent, surgical solutions all have a higher risk of this, and are also major surgery.)

I came to find out, because they make you have a transvaginal ultrasound before inserting an IUD, that there was another reason for my periods being irregularly painful. I had a growth on my cervix. One that, for all list of possible causes, I was only a candidate for one: a sudden influx of estrogen. Which would have happened when I was suddenly on correct medication for my diabetes and actually had my hormone levels balanced. These cause one to not only bleed more, because the growths themselves bleed, but also for cramps to be worse.

Now, most people will tell you that having an IUD inserted is painful. Like, second only perhaps to childbirth painful. It is true, it’s awful.

That pain, though? Has basically been day 3 of my period since I got out of the hospital. That is how bad my period pain has been, and because we do not take our own pain seriously, just as doctors do not sometimes, I had been living with it for more than a year. 1-2 days of constant, having an IUD inserted levels of pain. Every. Month. So bad that even having tampons in was impossible because the pain, already immobilizingly awful, would get worse from the pressure.

The IUD helps, though my periods are longer now. Very, shockingly light, but longer.

I have scheduled surgery to have the growth removed. Partly because while the risk of cancer is low -- so is the risk of having a stroke before 45, and guess what? But also because it is causing this problem to begin with, why wouldn’t I have it taken out?

There is of course a risk, because of the use of anesthesia, and I am nervous. But yes. That’s where we are. Talk to your doctors.

[sweaterkittensahoy]

Planned Parenthood may do some good services, but it doesn't change the fact they still perform services that end lives. So I can't support them and hope they get shut down. No matter how good a place may seem, if they kill children, they aren't good.

My husband said something really lovely to me the other day. He said, “I like how you look at things and believe in the best intentions.” 

It was very nice to hear put into words something I’m really passionate about: assuming the best of people. Because, the thing is, I see something like this (which I assume has been sitting in my inbox for months given how long I’ve been off the platform), and I think, “This person clearly believes what they’re saying, and they had to have LEARNED it from somewhere. Family? Church? Friends? Their own attempts at research?”

And if you can learn something, you can learn better. You can always learn better. And usually, I’d take five minutes and find some good links off google and encourage you to read through that information and consider how and why the way you feel about Planned Parenthood was formed and the ways, perhaps, you were misled or outright lied to. 

Because, the thing is, Planned Parenthood doesn’t kill children. It saves them. Time and time again, it saves them. By providing pre-natal care. By offering information about government programs to help parents in poverty. By doing cancer screenings (because someone getting a cancer screening is, by fact, someone’s child). By providing Pap smears and STD testing. By providing condoms and birth control and 100% factual information about how sex works and how it can be safe and unsafe.

The abortions it does perform? Those aren’t children. Those are cells that have the potential to be children. 

And, usually, I’d have those last two paragraphs all linked up pretty in the hope that you might click through and learn, but quite frankly, I’m fucking tired today. I’m on my fourth change of estrogen dose in roughly a year, and that came after having a THIRD surgery to deal with my endometriosis, and before my FIRST surgery, I was on an ever-changing rotation of hormones to try and control my pain, and after that first surgery, I spent another six months rotating hormones before finally deciding it was time to take out everything we could, and I’m sitting here writing this, two weeks past my 37th birthday, hoping this new dose maybe lasts a full year so I can realistically make it to 40 without having to just go into full-on menopause because we had to yank out all my reproductive insides to deal with the pain from the endo.

And I’m so fucking tired. But at least I know I have endo, and I’ve been able to advocate for myself and find doctors who believe my pain and are avid in their assistance to keep my shit under control. 

And the only reason I know I have endo is because the doctors at Planned Parenthood didn’t tell me “period pain is normal.” They didn’t say, “Well, are you sure it hurts that much?” They didn’t ignore my long list of symptoms. They didn’t ignore my ability to know my own body. They didn’t ignore my AGENCY. They treated me like a full person in pain, not some woman with a bad period, and I’m on my fourth dose of estrogen in a calendar year, but I’m not in daily, bone-crushing pain, and it’s because, at the age of 30, a doctor at Planned Parenthood looked at me and said, “You have endo,” and finally--FINALLY--getting a diagnosis for the ever-increasing pain I was in gave me the strength to get up and fight for control, and that’s what Planned Parenthood does every fucking day. 

So, I’m not going to link you. Because you know where google is. And I’m not going to think the worst of you. Because I do think you’ve been told some bad things by people you trust. But it’s not my fucking job to change your mind. And I’m fucking tired. 

Planned Parenthood saves lives. In a lot of different ways. Every day they save someone’s child. Every. Fucking. Day.

[fanficwriter013]

The Tower: Unexpected - 6

The Tower: Unexpected An Avengers Fanfic

Series Masterlist Previous //

Pairing:  Avengers x ofc, Bruce Banner x Bucky Barnes x Clint Barton x Wanda Maximoff x Steve Rogers x Natasha Romanoff x Tony Stark x Thor x Sam Wilson x OFC (Elly Cooper)

Word Count: 1858

Warnings:   pregnancy, ff smut, oral sex, sixty nine, fingering, angsty stuff (y’all should really expect that by now.) 

Synopsis: A little over 2 years after moving into the Avengers Tower, Elly finds herself pregnant against the odds.  While some are excited, others are terrified, and pregnancy that none expected to happen causes rifts through the group and threatens to end the relationship.  

Author’s Note:  Written with the only person I talk to @avengerscompound

Chapter 6: Wanda

Wanda was my rock for the next few days as Natasha and Steve rounded up people for blood tests and Steve spent his time between Avengers stuff, Bucky and me.  She was there every morning holding my hair as I threw up.  She cuddled up with me at night.  She made sure I was eating enough and if I threw something up right away, she’d try again with something new until I kept it down again.

I don’t exactly know why she had taken to this as strongly as she had.  It wasn’t like she had ever brought up wanting to be a mother.  She could have had her own.  Some people just are though, even before they have kids, and Wanda had always been that kind of person.  I guess the moment she saw I was pregnant it just felt right to her.

The morning sickness was getting bad too.  So on mornings I’d wake up and rush straight to the bathroom she’d be there, holding my hair and rubbing my back.

“The ginger pills do not seem to be doing much,”  She said as she sat behind me rubbing my back.  “Maybe we should contact Doctor Schroeder and ask her if there is something else you can take.”

“It works after I take it but I don’t take it in the middle of the night,”  I say as I rested my head on my arms and breathed heavily, waiting for the nausea to pass completely.

“My poor, pirano.”  She said.  “You want to try and eat.  I can make millet if your stomach is really off.  Perhaps with ginger tea.”

I nodded slowly and got up, flushing the toilet.  “Yeah.  I should probably shower.  I have work.”

“You know Tony won’t care if you don’t go in.”  She reasoned.

“And you know I don’t want to be paid to be Tony’s girlfriend,”  I replied and then frowned.   “I guess he’d be paying me to just be your girlfriend now though.”

She put her arm around my waist and rubbing my stomach.  “He’ll be back.”

“I hope so.”

She sighed and let me go, turning on the shower.  “I can hear them all you know.  They want to be here with you.  They are all angry at themselves for being as scared as they are.  It’s just…”  She turned back to me and tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear.  “Most of them haven’t exactly had the best role models for what being a parent is.”

“Well, I haven’t either, Wanda.  The difference is I don’t get to run from it or hide in my lab while I figure out how to do it.  I gave them an out.  No one took it.”

“Please don’t yell at me.”  She said pulling back.  “I’m still here.”

I sighed and started stripping off my clothes.  “I’m sorry.  I know.  I just miss them and I don’t feel like this is my home anymore.  I keep thinking it would be better if I moved out.”

“I know.  I wish you would stop that.”

“I’m sorry,”  I whispered.  “I’m sorry, Wanda.”

“Hey, hey, hey.  Shhhh… it’s okay.  You need to be easy on yourself too.  You have to come to terms with it too.”  She said pulling me into her arms.  I made myself as small as I could, curling up into her.  “Have your shower.  I’ll have food ready for you when you get out.”

I showered, managing to not throw up again when the scent of the shampoo overwhelmed me.  I changed into comfortable clothes and tied my hair back in a loose ponytail and came out to the living room.  Wanda brought me out a bowl of warm millet and a hot ginger tea.  I curled up against her as I ate slowly.

“What do you want them to be, Wanda?”  I asked completely out of the blue.  I knew it wouldn’t matter.  She knew I had been thinking about genders and names.  I’m sure my mind was screaming about it.

“I would like a boy and a girl.  But I might be slightly biased towards that.”  She said, caressing her fingers over my stomach.

“That would be balanced,”  I said.

“Sam wants a boy.”  She said.

“He does?”  I asked.

She smiled.  “Yes.  He wants to name them Riley too.  He’d never ask, but he asked me if he thought the name would work for a boy or a girl.”

“I wish he’d talk to me,”  I said.

“Yes, I know.  He’ll be home soon.  He’s just … his sister is berating him and it’s making him overthink.  She wants him to find out if it’s his and if it is, she says he needs to marry you.  I think it’s making him doubt himself a little.  He was raised by a pastor.  His family do not understand and he wants them to.  He wants them to be in the babies life.”

I frowned.  He was going to get back and find out it was twins.  What if one was his and one wasn’t?  How would she take that news?

“Don’t worry about Sam.  He’ll work it out.”  She said and kissed my head.   “I can tell you what the other’s want if you like.  Will that help?”

“Yes.   I think it will.”

“Well I can’t hear Bruce, but Hulk wants one of each.  Steve actually truly doesn’t mind.  Clint wants girls.  Natasha doesn’t mind but likes the idea of at least one being a girl.  Bucky wants a girl.  Tony wants a boy.”

I smiled.  It was a good sign at least.  I wondered if any of them had considered names besides Sam.  “He really wanted to name them after Riley?”

“Yeah.  That’s what he said to me.  He said not to tell you though.”  She said.

“I’m glad you did,”  I said and leaned back and kissed her cheek.  “It helped.”

“I can see that.”  She said with a smile.

I didn’t say anything for a while, I just sat pressed against her, slowly sipping the tea and thinking about how Sam wanted to name one of the children after his ex-boyfriend and how so many.  “Wanda?”

“Yes, El?”

“If I have a boy... do you wanna ... No. You probably want to save that for one of your own kids.  Never mind.”

I didn’t even need to ask the question really.  My garbled words weren’t enough to drown out the fact I had been thinking it might be nice to name one after her brother.

She gasped and her hand went to her mouth.  “You would… you would do that?”

“If one of them is a boy.  Not if you don't want me to.”

She blinked a few times as her eyes started to fill with tears and she pulled me into a tight hug, her powers catching the mug in my hand and moving it to the coffee table in a cloud of pink light before it spilled over both of us.  I nuzzled into her neck and just enjoyed being in her arms.

“If you wanted to, and they all agreed.”  She said.  “Then yes.”

“I want to,”  I whispered.

“Okay then.  If it’s a boy and everyone agrees, Pietro.”  She said and pressed her lips to the top of my head.

I ran my hands over my stomach.   “Pietro,”  I said quietly.  I didn’t even have any idea what I was having, but having a name, even a potential one, somehow made it feel more real.

“I love you, Elly.”  She said, pushing that feeling into me.  It made me feel warm and … well good.  Like a dark cloud had suddenly lifted.

“I love you too,”  I said and turned in her arms, kissing her neck.

She chuckled and wrapped her arms around me and rolling her hips under me.  “What are you doing there. I thought you were feeling sick?”

“I was.  Now I’m feeling this.”  I replied as my hands trailed up her sides.

“Being pregnant sounds weird.”  She said and kissed me deeply.

We kissed slowly, taking our time to just enjoy the intimacy of it.  I shifted leg between hers and she raised her own so each roll of our hips meant our pussy ground against the other’s thigh.

The pregnancy hormones were definitely messing with me.  All the extra estrogen and progesterone made me on edge and I was wet by the first kiss.  By the time we moved on to shedding our clothes, I was dripping for her.

I started to kiss down her body and she cupped my cheek shaking her head.  “I want to go down on you.”  She said.

“But I wanna …”  I whined.

She started laughing and rolled us over so I was on my back.  “So demanding.”  She teased.  “I wonder how we can solve that?”

I smirked at her and she turned, straddling my face as she dropped down and planted a large open mouth kiss on my pussy.  I did the same to her, swirling my tongue around so that as she created a warm tingle that first built in my cunt and slowly spread out, her own arousal filled my mouth with her sweet acidic juices.

We took our time to savor each other.  The moans we made were both from the pleasure spreading through us and the taste on our lips.  They got louder as we went.  Wanda’s muscles clenched and trembled as I brought her closer to orgasm.  She could feel what I was feeling too, so not only did she know exactly what to do to get me off, that increased her own experience.  Soon she was quivering sitting right on the edge of orgasm.

I pushed my fingers inside her and stroked them over her walls, focusing on the spongy surface of her g-spot and making her whole body shudder above me. 

She seized up and came, crying out.  “Oh god, Elly.”  She mewled as she held herself up above me.

“That’s it, beautiful.”  I hummed and drank her up as her fluids ran from her.

She took a moment, breathing heavily as she regained control and her mouth was back on me again.  She plunged two fingers into my pussy and began fucking me with them.  Each thrust of her hand and twist of her wrists made her fingers drag over my g-spot and sent jolts running through me.

I focused on her as best I could, working my fingers inside her as I sucked and nipped at her clit.  I came suddenly, arching up under her.  I think a combination of feeling how my orgasm affected me and the way I worked her cunt sent her over, because as I came, so did she.  Shuddering above me.

She crawled off on top of me and I moved in beside her, curling up against her.  “Now I feel better.”  I sighed.

She giggled and kissed me.  “Don’t you need to be at work?”  She asked, pulling back and tucking my hair behind my ear.

“I’m sure Tony won’t mind.”  I hummed and closed my eyes, relaxing against her.

// NEXT

[swanqueeneverafter]

After The Sunset, Pt.33

Enchanted Forest. Medusa’s Lair. Continued. (Snow stands holding the remnants of her sword.) Snow White: “How are we gonna cut off her head now?” David: “Well, we're not, Snow. It's fine. We just need to find a way out of here. (He picks up a helmet and throws it in another direction. Medusa draws towards the sound:) Go, go.” (He and Snow White attempt to escape. Medusa uses a tentacle to grab Snow White's leg and trip her. As she is being dragged away, David grabs a shield and throws it at Medusa, who deflects it. Snow White is let go, but before David can flee as well, Medusa forces him to look into her eyes. He turns into a stone statue.) Snow White: “David!”

Storybrooke. (Hiding from the deranged citizens of Storybrooke, Robin and Alice eventually poke their heads out and look around.) Alice: "When you told me about Storybrooke, you said warm hugs and apple pies, not cross bolts to my head!" Robin: "Yeah, well, I guess the effects of the dark cloud are still wearing off." Alice: "Hm, I hope so." Robin: "We need to get off the streets and regroup." Alice: "What about down there?" (Alice points toward a side street and, seeing no reason not to, Robin agrees.) Robin: "Okay." Alice: "Okay." Robin: (Stepping out from their hiding spot:) "Go! Go, go." The Dragon's Lair. (Alice and Robin enter to find the place empty.) Robin: "Come on, there has to be a phone or something around here somewhere." (They walk further into the club, past the bar and back towards the offices. Coming to a door that reads: 'Boss', they knock.) Maleficent: (From inside:) "We're closed!" (Alice pushes open the door. Inside they find Maleficent sat at her desk reading a magazine.) Alice: "Please, you have to help us, there's a-" Maleficent: "Blah blah evil villain emergency blah." Robin: "Maleficent, you may not remember me, but I'm Regina's niece?" Maleficent: (Glancing at her:) "Why of course I remember. It's been ages. Not a letter, a telegram, a smoke signal. I've been worried sick about you. (As Robin smiles:) Not really. (She goes back to reading her magazine:) Spit it out cupcake, I'm in the middle of something." Alice: "Look, we don't have time for your attitude. All the realms of story are in danger and we can't find any heroes." Maleficent: "So naturally you came to me. If I had any feelings, I'd have the chills right about now." Robin: "We came through a looking glass with Rumplestiltskin, Emma, Regina and Hook and somehow we ended up separated." Maleficent: "Trust me, dear, being separated from the pirate isn't the worst thing in the world." Alice: "Are you going to help us or not?" Maleficent: (Puts down her magazine:) "Totally. Maybe later we can braid each other's hair and talk about boys. (Notices how close Alice and Robin are stood together:) Or girls. You know, Thursdays are ladies nights around here." Alice: "Ugh. This is a waste of time, let's go." Maleficent: "I'd love to help, but I'm wearing my favourite shoes." (Robin makes one last effort.) Robin: "Look, I get the whole 'I live in darkness' thing you've got going on, and I get it. But don't you care about anyone? Your daughter? Regina? Hook? This effects everyone. Don't you see, this could be your chance to be the hero." Maleficent: (Stares at her a moment:) "Did I miss something? Did I get drunk and join a book club and read some chick lit memoirs and now we're bound together by sisterhood or estrogen or some other feminist drivel?" Alice: "I'm surprised you can read. Come on Robin." (The girls leave.) Maleficent: (Glaring after them:) "She was extremely annoying." (After a moment however, Maleficent begins to think about what Robin said and, sighing, gets to her feet.) Enchanted Forest. Recent Past. Forbidden Fortress. (Hook writhes in agony as Maleficent magically removes the bullet from his shoulder. Waving her hand to close the wound, Maleficent stands and walks to her mirror, removing her jewellery.) Maleficent: "You stood me up in favour of getting yourself shot?"

(Hook, hissing in pain, gets to his feet and grabs the bag containing Maui's fishhook.) Hook: (Holding the fishhook up:) "I had to prove that I haven't lost my edge. Besides, this thing could come in handy one day." Maleficent: (Glancing at it:) "What the hell is that thing?" Hook: "This 'thing' is a magic weapon with the power to shatter any prison. So you see, it wasn't a completely wasted evening after all. Cmon, give us a smile." Maleficent: (Turns to him:) "Clearly you don't know me that well. My mad face and my happy face are the same." Hook: "Oh come on, Mal." Maleficent: "Don't you 'Come on, Mal' me. You would rather have your precious reputation than keep your word to me." Hook: "Mal, we can go out any night." Maleficent: (Scoffs:) "I wouldn't be so sure of that." Hook: "I don't know what you're so upset about. I've already given up everything that I used to be to make this thing between us work. I just had to send my crew off on the Jolly Roger to stretch their sea legs or face a mutiny. I can hardly recognise the man I see in the mirror anymore and what do I get in return for my sacrifices? A daughter I barely see and a sullen sorceress who sometimes, quite frankly, is more tolerable in her dragon form!" (At this, Maleficent uses her powers to send Hook crashing back against the wall.) Maleficent: (Stalking towards him:) "If you find my company so displeasing, perhaps you should be without it for awhile. (As Maleficent rages at him, Hook sees a message in a bottle appear magically beside him. Opening it, he hears Henry's message:) And, seeing as you don't like what you see in the mirror these days, another form might make you see things differently." Hook: "No, Mal, wait!" (Before he can stop her, Maleficent uses her powers to transform Hook into an ogre.) Maleficent: "There. Maybe a few days spent as a creature nobody can stand will change your perspective on things. Now get the hell out of my fortress!" (Chasing the ogre from the room with a fireball hurled in its general direction, Maleficent's eyes glow yellow in anger.)

The Enchanted Forest. Medusa’s Lair. Present. (Behind a wall, Snow White peeks out at the frozen statue of Prince Charming.) Snow White: “I won't leave you. And I won't let her scare me away, either.” (As Snow draws her bowstring, a familiar voice speaks.) Jabberwocky: “You're going to have to do better than that.” Snow White: “No.” Jabberwocky: “Enjoying yourselves?” Snow White: (She glances down and sees the Jabberwocky's reflection in the discarded shield:) “I don't remember inviting you.” Jabberwocky: “What's the matter, Snow? Cranky now that your prince is a statue? (She chuckles:) I can barely tell the difference.” Snow White: “You're really enjoying this.” Jabberwocky: “Immensely.” Snow White: “This is all your fault.” Jabberwocky: “No, dear, it's yours. Oh, and I have to thank you, because you saved me so much trouble. I didn't realize I could just sit back and let you destroy your own happiness.” (The Jabberwocky laughs, and then disappears from the shield.) Enchanted Forest. (Rumplestiltskin picks up the large hammer and enters his old family home. Inside, he sees the spinning wheel in motion. Placing the hammer on the floor, he walks over and stops the wheel.) Rumplestiltskin: "I really do hate this place." Jabberwocky: (Entering:) "Bane of your existence, I'd say. And yet, after everything you've been through to escape it, all you seem to want to do is drag yourself right back. Might as well hobble both your legs this time." Rumplestiltskin: “I didn't come here to revisit history. Or repeat it.” Jabberwocky: “Of course. I know that. I know you.” Rumplestiltskin: “Well enough to impersonate me to my grandson it seems.” Jabberwocky: (Transforms into the Dark One version of Rumplestiltskin:) “Indeed. You’re here to make a deal regarding your wife and child.” Rumplestiltskin: “Well, perhaps you don't know me as well as you think. That's not the loophole I'm here to discuss.” Jabberwocky: “Really?” Rumplestiltskin: “I've been trying to rid myself of my dark magic for quite some time now. And every time I try to do it the right way, someone like you turns up, and my magic is needed once more.” Jabberwocky: “That sounds like such a burden.” Rumplestiltskin: “But you, you want the darkness. Giving it to you, I'm not spreading it, I'm not burdening anyone. I think the real loophole I've been looking for all this time is you.” Jabberwocky: “So, you want to make a deal and give me your darkness now. What could possibly have changed?” Rumplestiltskin: “Well, I've finally realized the one enemy I can never defeat is myself. So, you take the darkness from me and everything that goes with it, and I get to go free and have the happy ending I deserve.” Jabberwocky: “Well, it's not exactly the way I expected this to play out, but I'll take it.”

Rumplestiltskin: “Excellent. (Reaches into his pocket, then showers the Jabberwocky with a black liquid, freezing her in place. Chuckles:) Squid ink. Now who's weak?” Jabberwocky: (Frozen:) “This can't hold me for long.” Rumplestiltskin: “It doesn't have to. You see, you made a miscalculation bringing me here. It did remind me of my weakness, but not because of that hammer. Because of you. You see, without love, you are just a pathetic beast who needs to be put out of her misery. (Drawing a dagger from his pocket:) And I'm the only one who can do it.” Jabberwocky: “Is that?” Rumplestiltskin: “The Dark One dagger? No, it’s a replica. But, thanks to my wife’s penchant for reading, I’ve done my research. The Vorpal Blade, the one that so brilliantly kept you imprisoned all those years, was forged through belief. Belief that good could triumph over evil.” Jabberwocky: (Scoffs:) “The Vorpal Blade was forged by The Lady of the Lake.” Rumplestiltskin: “Yes, and who do you think made this replica for me? She was only too glad to do it, after what you did to her sister.” Jabberwocky: “You won’t dare use that on me. Only an immortal can kill me. You use that dagger, and you will never see your precious Belle again.” Rumplestiltskin: “If that means ridding the realms of you, that's a risk I'm willing to take. (As he rears back with the dagger, the door opens:) Regina!” Regina: “What the hell are you doing?” Rumplestiltskin: “Get out of here.” Jabberwocky: (The squid ink wears off:) “Too late. Impeccable timing, Dearie. (Uses her magic to knock out Regina. Then chokes Rumplestiltskin before he can use the dagger:) You know, I thought with the Author doing my bidding I'd be invincible. But, the brief time I spent inside your head was most enlightening. Haven't you figured it out? Thought the hammer would have jogged your memory. The day you hobbled yourself, you met a seer, and she gave you a prophecy.” Rumplestiltskin: (Struggling for breath, remembers:) “The boy will be my undoing.” Jabberwocky: “Yes. And today's the day that prophecy finally comes to pass.”

Enchanted Forest. Medusa’s Lair. (Snow White stares at her reflection in the shield where the Jabberwocky just disappeared from.) Snow White: “She's right. I did this. I defeated myself. Wait. (She takes the shield and rips off the fabric on it. As Medusa spots her, Snow White raises the shield:) Come and get me!” (Medusa charges and meets her own reflection in the shield; turning herself into stone.) David: “Snow.” (Snow turns around to see David is no longer a statue, and they kiss.) Snow White: “Are you okay?” David: “Now I know what Frederick felt like.” Snow White: “I thought I lost you forever.” David: “How did you do it? How did you defeat her?” (They look at the statue of Medusa.) Snow White: “I didn't. I made her defeat herself. I'm sorry. I was so focused on finding a way to beat the Jabberwocky that I almost lost the thing that could never live without—you.” David: “You damn well almost did. Almost.” (They kiss again.) The Dark Castle. (Emma and Hook continue their search for Henry.) Hook: "Just how big is this place?" Emma: "Well you'd know better than I would." Hook: (Shakes his head:) "No, when you and I went back in time, that was the only occasion where I managed to make it inside the Dark One's lair." Henry: (Appearing behind them:) "Looking for me? (When Emma turns to face him:) Hello, mother." Emma: "Henry! Oh thank god, we've been searching for you everywhere. (Notices his attire:) Henry, you look just like-" Henry: "A man who's achieved greatness?" Emma: "Henry, listen to me, I don't know what you think is happening here but-" Henry: "What's happening here, is that I've finally found the path that's right for me." Emma: "No, this isn't like you. You know that this is wrong." Henry: "What I know is that I tried finding my happiness the right way, but I got desperate."

Jabberwocky: (Still appearing as the Dark One, enters the room:) “And now that you've gotten caught up, what do you say, Henry? I think it's time we started a new story. Mine.” (The Jabberwocky waves her hand and Regina and Rumplestiltskin appear inside the room.) Regina: “Oh, God. (Moving toward him:) Henry.” Henry: (Motions for her to stop:) “I prefer: ‘Your Majesty’.” Regina: "Oh, no, no. Henry, don’t listen to-" Jabberwocky: "Such poise, such anger. I'm riveted. Aren't you riveted?" Rumplestiltskin: (Notices the quill in the Jabberwocky’s hand:) “The Author's pen." Hook: (As Henry takes a seat at the desk:) “What’s he gonna write?” Rumplestiltskin: (To Henry:) “Look, whatever deal you made with this imposter, you do not have to honor it. Trust me, there's always a loophole. And I'll help you find it.” Henry: “Why would I break a deal that's gonna give me what I want?” Jabberwocky: “Smart boy. And now we must attend to my humble needs. (To Rumplestiltskin:) I have immortality and power and yet, as both of us know, you can never have enough power.” Emma: (To Henry, pleading:) “Don't do this. We can help you. This isn't the right path for you. Look deep inside yourself, you know I’m telling you the truth.” Jabberwocky: (Suddenly beside Henry:) “Take a letter, boy. It goes something like this: As per his truest desires, Rumplestiltskin’s magical powers are taken from him.” Henry: (Frowns:) “Are you sure?” Jabberwocky: (Looking at Rumplestiltskin:) “Positive. (Slightly confused, Henry nonetheless writes the words and Rumplestiltskin can feel his powers taken from him. Chuckles:) Oh, oh, oh! My eternity feels eternal again. And now, enjoy a taste of winter in your tiny prison.” (The Jabberwocky waves her hand and Rumplestiltskin and Hook disappear in a cloud of smoke.) Regina: “Where'd they go?” Jabberwocky: “I reunited Rumple and Hook with your family and friends. It’s bound to be quite the reunion.” Emma: “Then why are we still here?” Henry: (Stands:) “Because we're finally back to what I'm getting out of this. I’m so close to obtaining everything I could ever want, and yet you two are here to stand in my way. To complete my quest, and to truly achieve my happy ending, I must defeat the Evil Queen and the Savior.”

[bimboized]

THE PRE-NUPTIAL AGREEMENT

THE PRE-NUPTIAL AGREEMENT 

 Greta Boyd's life was complicated.  She'd married William when they were very young, each barely eighteen, and now only three years later she was bored. She'd already had two affairs but now she knew she was in love.  When she visited their family doctor's practice for her annual check up, the male nurse that helped her was a dreamboat.  He asked for a date even though he knew she was already married and now it had become a regular thing.  On the days William went to his cricket practice and every time he had a match, she would sneak off for some illicit afternoon delight.  The nurse, Vince Dobson, had just one shortcoming, he wasn't loaded like her husband. The other problem was that her husband's family had insisted that she signed a pre-nuptial agreement, she would get nothing if there was a divorce. 

 At the time it hadn't seemed important but now she'd got used to the fine life. She would lose out on having her Porsche convertible to drive round, wearing her designer dresses and miss not being the centre of attention at her ladies' lunches. Vince had more than once asked her to run away with him, but she explained the situation.  She liked having money and his salary wouldn't  keep her in perfume let alone all the other essentials she required.  He asked if there was any possibility there were grounds she could divorce him on, at least then there was provision for her to get a substantial payout but she couldn't think of any. 

 "The trouble is," Greta told him, "he doesn't need to go to work anywhere and he even makes a hobby of cooking, he's very good at it so I can't even complain that I'm neglected."

 "Does he perform to your satisfaction in bed?" he asked. "He's not as good as you darling, but I can't honestly say that he's lacking in that department."  

She was forced to admit. "Suppose you could fix it so he couldn't carry out his marital duties?" When she expressed interest in that he told her he could get some powder that would fix it. Two days later he gave her a box containing sachets of powder.  He explained that they were a strong estrogen combined with a testosterone blocker and would very quickly cause his impotency.

 "Won't the first thing he'll do is go to get tested at the surgery?" she asked.

 "That's where I come in," he told her, "I'll simply switch his blood samples with mine and no one will know the cause.  If his doctor does give him testosterone replacement, I'll swap the tablets for more estrogen.  We'll get him whatever happens." 

 Before she had given him the first dose, his parents announced that they were moving to their holiday island in the Caribbean.  She took that as a good omen as she was sure that otherwise his mother, at the very least, would have noticed any changes in him.  She proceeded with their plan the next day. The morning of the third day he felt nauseous, but wrote it off as a stomach bug.  The following week was a repeat each morning although he was actually sick only three times.  

Then the sickness went away but when he tried to make love to his wife he couldn't respond in a way that would complete his aim.  Greta feigned disappointment but suggested he try again the next night with no more success. Knowing what men are like going to see a doctor, Greta wasn't surprised that it was a month or more before he admitted that he should make an appointment.  By that time he not only had a very shrunken penis, his balls were definitely smaller as was the circumference of his waist.  In contrast his backside was expanding while he had developed two very marked swellings under his sore and puffy nipples. 

 As it happened (with a little nudge from Vince) he saw Doctor Stephens at the Practice who while he was a very competent doctor was new to the area. When the blood test on William came back normal he asked his trusted nurse, who was the specialist in hormone disorders they usually recommended?  Vince was only too happy to recommend Doctor Daphne Reed, whom he remarked was just right for this sort of problem.  In the meantime, as expected, William was dispensed testosterone in tablet form, but as it was Vince that dealt with it, more oestrogen found its way into the bottle. 

 "Surely, once William sees this other doctor the game's up?"  Asked Greta the next time she saw her lover. 

 "Not a bit of it," he told her "Daphne helped feminise the husband of a friend of hers last year, I know because I helped her.  She owes me a favour, we'll have your beloved in skirts before you know it." They both laughed. With the increased doses of the hormone now flowing into his system, Greta made him start wearing a bra 'to stop him sagging' most of the time.  William was again sick in the mornings for about ten days, but it wore off just before his appointment with the specialist.  

Greta accompanied him to the appointment and was delighted when Dr Reed confirmed that it was a good idea for his to wear a bra to stop sagging of his 'growths' and to save unnecessary stretching of the skin.  That way, she told him, it would facilitate the removal of less tissue when the whole thing was cured and he had a small operation to remove the 'growths'. He was warned by the doctor that it was going to get a whole load worse before it started to get better.  It might even be a good idea to have him wear some back and rib support at the same time as the bra, as otherwise he would have a tendency to stoop. 

 The Doctor gave him two injections and another supply of tablets, telling him that she would see him again in three months but in the meantime he shouldn't worry about the symptoms getting worse. After the consultation was over Greta took him straight to a specialist foundation garment outlet and had him measured up for a full body corset that had half cups for his 'growths'.  He had never been so humiliated in his life.  He had to strip to his underpants and was measured in a number of intimate ways in a cubicle by a middle aged lady who had definite ideas about his 'growths'.

 "Hmmph," she muttered, "you have a fine set of 'B' cup breasts verging on 'C' cup, so we will supply you with a 'B' off the shelf now, you're pretty close to a standard size, but we will make you two others to fit more exactly. Your wife says that your body needs stabilizing urgently, I warn you that it won't be comfortable for a couple of weeks after you start wearing a corset, but I can assure you that after a while you will get used to it." The standard size one was white, but Greta ordered further ones in Black and pink.  When he queried the feminine colour she told him it was necessary to be able to tell them apart.  She also ordered six pairs of panties for each colour corset, replying that eighteen pairs wasn't excessive as sometimes he might need to change them more than once a day.  The sales woman recommended that he keep each corset on for twenty four hours a day solid for at least the next month, only taking them off to bathe and change them. When she laced him up in the first one he thought he was going to die.  He could only take rapid shallow breaths, not improved when both women decided that it hung better with stockings attached.  His wife ordered a dozen pair of stockings in each colour. 

 When they got home Greta gave their cleaning lady, Janice Dexter, six months leave of absence on full pay, telling William that it was so that she wouldn't see him and make him embarrassed.  He was grateful for her forethought. To Janice she told a different story.  She was assured that her job would remain safe but that she had to attend a short course while on leave, to learn the control of other staff that Greta was going to employ when she returned, but that she was going have to learn to run a very strict household.  She knew that the cleaner's husband, Martin, was a brute of a man, out of work and violent in the home. She offered to give him a job as driver when she started work again, paying each of them three times the amount that the cleaner currently earned, for them essentially to supervise perhaps only one other staff member.  Greta had thought she recognised that Janice had a mean streak almost as bad as her husband's. 

 "I'm sure we can manage a bit of cleaning between us," she mentioned to William when he asked about how they would manage. Needless to say, all this time he wasn't able to perform his marital duty, he worried that his wife was being deprived.  She showed him what she liked him to do with his tongue and he quickly became highly proficient.  He did marvel that sometimes she was, so she explained, particularly turned on by him that she wept great globs of white fluid that he had to swallow, she said, so that it didn't make a mess in the bed. Occasionally he became depressed at his physical state, but at those times he knew he could count on his wife to cheer him up.  She was his rock, he thought. 

"If you have to be dressed like that," she suggested one day, "why don't we make a game of it.  You can be my lady's maid and I will be the lady of the manor." She even ordered some costumes to make playing his part more fun, insisting that he depilate his body so that he was completely hairless.  When they arrived he saw that they were fun French Maid's costumes, he wasn't keen first of all especially with the shoes which, while they matched each costume and corset, had five inch heels.  Seeing the pleasure it was giving Greta though, he soon entered into the spirit of things and even started curtseying to her and calling her 'Mistress'. After a month Doctor Reed arranged for a nurse to come and give him booster injections, but to his great embarrassment Nurse Vince Dobson called a day early and caught him in his maid's outfit.  He was eventually put at ease by the way Vince and his wife laughed at the game and the nurse told him he could make him look rather more realistic.  Rather than admit that the game wasn't his idea but his wife's and that he wasn't especially enamoured with it, he agreed. 

 The nurse found that what remained of William's testicles had already retreated up into his body and by using surgical adhesive he wrapped his empty scrotum round his miniscule penis, sticking it in place then stuck the result back and up onto his perineum.  That gave him a completely flat front but with the crease between the two sides of the scrotum where it met over his penis looking like inviting vaginal lips.  As a cleaver touch, he noticed that the nurse had placed a short length of cotton cord hanging out of the crease made it look as if he had a tampon in place. 

 "That's so that you can stop anyone looking any closer by telling them that it's your time of month."  Both the nurse and his wife doubled over with laughter. Once he was finished Vince suggested that if they really wanted him to look good he could send along the cosmetician he knew that often dealt with people injured and scarred in accidents because she was especially talented.  Of course Greta agreed with a laugh saying what fun it would be and that same afternoon the lady arrived. William hadn't had his blond hair cut in nearly three months and once the 'game' started they agreed that it looked more in keeping tied back in a pony tail.  By the time Joanne had finished it was platinum blond and fell in waves down to his shoulders.  

She made up his face with striking colours, shades of purple on his eyelids, a pronounced blush and bright red lipstick.  After she attached long lashes above and below his eyes she moved on to super glue nail extensions that reached nearly an inch beyond his natural ones and coloured the same bright red as his lipstick. He worried that he wouldn't be able to replicate what she'd done but was told that she would be back at the same time each week to touch it up and that in any case the make up should last at least a month. She also gave him a throat spray that tightened his vocal cords a little.  He was told to use it every morning to keep sounding as feminine as he looked. Greta was more delighted with all this than him. 

She explained that she hadn't been able to entertain since he started to be ill but that now she could, so long as he didn't mind playing the maid when people were there.  The way she casually dropped it into the conversation made it difficult to refuse.  He felt that she believed it would be the most natural thing in the world and then she added that of course no one would recognize him, especially now he filled 'DD' size cups, but had he thought of a name for him when he was the maid? "I think Sophie would be a good name for a French maid," she suggested when he couldn't come up with a name, "don't you Sophie?" He was aware that his wife was a normally a gregarious person and that his being trapped indoors had meant that she had been with her friends a lot less than usual, so he agreed to her request.  The next morning he gave her the menu for the light lunches for his wife and six of her friends; cold pepper soup followed by a lardon salad with fresh homemade bread with a cheesecake to finish.  Greta seemed a little disappointed that it wasn't more elaborate, but he just grinned and told her to wait and see. At midday the guests started to arrived and each one he let in with a curtsey and served a glass of Champagne.  Once they had each had a top up of their glasses Glenda told Sophie to serve lunch and they made their way into the dining room. As he placed their soup in front of them he was heaped with praise. The plates were narrow rectangles and placed so that a narrow end was facing the guest.  From the top of the plate were red, yellow and green pepper soups, each carefully placed and only spilling into each other where cream was swirled in a pattern to blend them. 

 The home made bread rolls were hot out of the oven, and they were all making 'mmm...' noises as they tasted them. The salad followed and had warm lardons and croutons, walnuts with a dressing made with walnut oil, walnut vinegar and enough garlic and seasoning to add a little bite.  The ladies were still talking about that when he brought in the deserts. They were individual coffee flavoured cheesecakes with fresh raspberries on top and a domed sugar cage over each one.  He had served a light New Zealand white wine with the meal and a Tia Maria coffee liqueur with the desert. Sophie stood at the side of the room as they ate each course, topping up water or wine as required.  He watched as a couple of the ladies took photos of each plate with their telephones because they looked so pretty. 

 "Who says that men are the best chefs?" one commented to Greta. They all wanted to know where she found her culinary angel. "Do you hire her out?" the woman Sophie knew as Lady Margaret asked. 

 "No, but I'm sure that if she has no other duties clashing, she would be only too pleased to help out if you were stuck."  Sophie looked at his wife horrified. After serving further liqueurs with coffee in the sitting room, he was eventually dismissed and had a chance to clear up the dining room and kitchen. 

 "What were you thinking of, loaning me out?" he asked her once her guests were gone. "I'm sorry darling, but what could I say without appearing to be rude?"  She considered for a moment.  

"One thing about it is that it would get you out of the house." He had to admit that he didn't like being seen in public the way he was but he was getting a little claustrophobic, stuck in the house all the time.  However appearing as a sexy French maid at the dinner of a well known local socialite, was not his idea of getting out and about.  It wasn't his choice however, and the following Saturday morning saw him delivered to Lady Margaret's Manor House to prepare and serve a dinner for ten persons. Sophie prepared the menu from ingredients he had ordered bought in from local suppliers, starting with petit fours; olives stuffed with anchovies, puff pastry bites with cheddar cheese tops, tiny little gem lettuce leaves loaded with shrimps in a mild garlic mayonnaise, and miniature scotch pancakes with smoked salmon slices and caviar topping.  

He made fresh wholemeal bread rolls, substituting with a little white flour to make them lighter, a favourite trick of his, to accompany the meal. The entrée was asparagus tips wrapped in Palma ham with a Hollandaise sauce; the fish course, fillets of red snapper with a Proven(al (tomato based) sauce, and the main course honey roasted duck, decorated with pea shoots, with a tower of mashed Jersey royal potatoes, mashed parsnips topped with baby spinach and a dry Marsala sauce to take off the sweetness.  The puddings were individual isle flottantes, something that he could prepare in advance and keep in the fridge ready for use but he did add some spun sugar decoration at the last minute..  He was able to use Lady Margaret's regular housekeeper, June, to help him in the kitchen and her maid to help serve and stand by the table to top up the guests' drinks while he prepared and plated each next course.

 He was particular about choosing the wines from her excellent cellar to serve her guests, Laurent Perrier Grand Si(cle Champagne for aperitif, a Chateau Grillet Viognier with the entrée, an Austrian Gr(ner Veltliner (slightly spicy) with the fish, and a Paolo Scavino Barolo '96 that he was pleased to find in her collection for the main course.  For the pudding he found a light demi-sec Clairette de Die sparkling wine and port as digestifs or with a cheese board for those who wanted it.  None did, they were all too full. Apart from Lady Margaret herself, he only knew two of the guests, his wife and the doctor's nurse Vince Dobson, who he was surprised to see, until the following day when he returned home and his wife explained that she was asked with a 'plus one'.  

She didn't want to go alone so she asked his nurse to accompany her as he already knew who the maid was so wouldn't act inappropriately towards his wife. She didn't tell him that while he was clearing up after the guests had gone, she took the opportunity to take Vince to bed where he certainly did act inappropriately.  Sophie had been asked to stay the night at Lady Margaret's as it would be a late finish and no one would be available to take him home so it gave them plenty of time to do what they wanted. The next morning his hostess was gushing with her tributes to him, as was the man who stayed the night with her. 

 "Without exception that was the best meal ever served in this house and cooked to perfection Sophie," she told him. 

 "I don't know what Greta is paying you, but come and work for me and I'll pay you double."

 "Don't listen to Lady Margaret, Sophie," her male companion said, "if you come and work for me I'll pay you triple." Sophie was embarrassed by the tributes but raised a polite smile and declined both offers, especially from the man who seemed just as interested in his breasts as his cooking. Sophie wasn't the only one to be pleased with everyone's reaction. Greta reveled in the reflected glory of her maid to all the local socialites, giving her an 'in' to numerous parties and social gatherings, with or without Sophie doing the catering and serving. As for their domestic arrangements, his wife felt that it really wasn't her 'thing' to share a bed with Sophie as he became more and more feminine.  The question was how could she ease her husband out of their marital bed? The problem was solved by the ever resourceful Vince. "I can get hold of a psychotropic drug that will make him even more compliant than he is now," he told Greta.  "We only have to give it to him for about three days before he will find that he doesn't give a damn what happens." On the fourth day Sophie's wife asked to have a serious talk with him.

 "Sophie," she told him, "it's obvious that you can't perform your marital duties to me.  Look at the size of your penis now, even if it could get hard, it's so small I wouldn't be able to feel it inside me.  I still love you and only you, but I'm afraid that I never have been a lesbian, so just until you get over this problem, I think you ought to sleep in your own bedroom." 

 "Sure, I understand."  Although he didn't. She had a room on the top floor of the house, where the servants' quarters used to be in earlier times, done up in suitably feminine style so that he could move into it.

 "It will also mean that if we have visitors or trades people there won't be anything odd about a maid sleeping in her own dedicated room.  You don't really want outsiders to know who you really are, do you?" Of course the idea of being revealed to their friends and neighbors horrified him so he was only too pleased to concur, he also remembered to religiously use his throat spray each morning. 

"In the meantime," she added, "I am worried about your condition not improving, so I suggest that we employ a dedicated nurse for you to live in.  That way, if you need additional or different medicines by injections or tablets, the nurse can supervise them." 

 Within a few days news reached them that William/Sophie's parents had been killed in a car crash in their Caribbean Island.  Greta and Vince suddenly saw a way that they could become incredibly rich without the bother of divorcing William and all the uncertainties that would entail.  They spread the word that William had gone out to visit his parents and was also in the car when it crashed and caught fire.  Greta paid Vince's expenses to go to the Island and see what he could do to oil the wheels of the local investigation.  It was not as expensive as they thought.  He returned with a death certificate for William's parents and him. There is an odd quirk of the law in some parts that says that if several people are killed at once and some are beneficiaries of others' estates, the oldest are deemed to have died first.  

Not only was Greta the sole beneficiary in William's will, he also inherited his parent's assets and they in turn were passed on to Greta.  While Sophie was kept busy at home and knew nothing of these developments, Greta made several trips to the family's law firm to take over what was then a huge fortune. All that now remained was the problem of what to do with Sophie. First of all it was a simple matter to buy his new identity.  He was now Sophie Smith, with the same birth date as William.  Vince's contacts hacked medical databases, gave him basically the same medical history as William, but gave him a family tree and included in it several stays by him in mental institutions for schizophrenia where he learned how to cook.  They even managed to give him a minor criminal record for public order offences, so that his fingerprints and DNA were on police files. All this work cost little more than a couple of million pounds, mere chicken feed compared with the assets that made Greta one of the most wealthy women in the country. The final stage of the plan was to deal with Sophie himself.  

This was where Vince's friend Dr Daphne Reed came in.  He had gone to see her at the arranged three month appointment where she had assured him that everything was proceeding as she had expected and there was nothing to worry about.  His acceptance of that was helped by the drug Vince was still giving him that made his compliance almost guaranteed. 

 The Doctor suggested that he needed to reduce his tension a little and gave him some relaxation tapes to listen to each night.  Three months of them and he couldn't wait to have the little snip that would make him beautiful.  This was where the true nature of his wife came out.

 "I don't want him to become a woman," she told the Doctor.  "I like the idea of him being a man in a nearly woman's body.  Can you leave him his balls, even wake them up a bit, I want him to want me but not be able to do anything about it." 

 The Doctor laughed. "You're a woman after my own heart Greta; make the buggers suffer. It's no problem, he won't be the first I've done like that.  

A superficial examination will make him appear to be female, but I can assure you that he will still have his old disgusting urges." His next three monthly appointment coincided with the memorial service for him and his parents.  While the entire local population was told in newspapers etc., that he was dead and the remains of him and his parents were interred in the Caribbean, they were able to give their condolences to the grieving widow.  All the while he was in a private clinic under the 'care' of Dr Reed. 

 As well as the surgery on his privates, the Doctor shaved his Adams apple and his chin, his nose made smaller and upturned a little.  His brow was tightened giving him a surprised, wide eyed look and his cheek bones were enhanced making him a very good looking woman.  To improve his body his lower ribs were removed and the small amount of fat tissue round his waist area was redistributed to his buttocks. With his already large breasts he then had a truly hour glass figure. He was away from his home for nearly a month and when he returned it was with just maintenance long term low dose implants of both hormones and the drug that made him so compliant.  

After four months of listening to the tapes, he knew that he was Sophie Smith, maid to Greta Boyd's household, and his body only confirmed it. During his absence Janice Dexter was reinstated but not this time as just the cleaner.  Greta promoted her to head housekeeper and started to also employ her brute of a husband as a driver come handyman. They were told that a junior maid would be taken on and they would be in charge of her.  

Greta also hinted that she didn't mind how discipline was maintained in the household, telling her that of course some maids needed the taste of a paddle every now and again. "Sophie, welcome back to my household," Greta told him.  "As you know you are not a very experienced maid, but I decided to keep you on in spite of your absences, so you will be under-maid to the very much more experienced Mrs Dexter.  Do everything she tells you and hopefully I won't need to speak to you again." 

 "Yes Mistress,"  Sophie was grateful for her job, "thank you very much Mistress." With a curtsey he left his Mistress's presence to report to Mrs Dexter in the kitchen but when he got there her husband was there as well.  He leered at the maid in his revealing uniform.  She was taken by surprise when Sophie curtseyed to her without being told, she had been under the impression that she would have to severely discipline her.  Instead of which was a totally complaint maid.

 "The Mistress has sent me to work for you Mrs Dexter, I will do my best to please you and my Mistress."  He gave her a little curtsey. Now Janice Dexter was a lot brighter than anyone gave her credit and she immediately smelled something very off.

 "Have you been away having surgery Sophie?" she asked. Her husband sensed his wife was on a fishing trip after personal problems so excused himself and left them to it. "Yes Mrs Dexter, I've been ill for a long time."  Janice was amused that he curtseyed to her after each time he spoke. "What did you have done to make you better?"

 "I had a nasty growth taken away Mrs Dexter." "Where was it?" "Here Mrs Dexter."  He gave a vague indication in the direction of his groin. "You can start by cleaning up in here, girl, then I'll find you something else to do.  Tell me, did you ask for the operation?"

 "No Mrs Dexter, but I could see that I needed it once it was pointed out to me." Janice let him get on with his work, watching the way he moved, stood and sat down.  She noted his demeaning uniform, then spent some time thinking back to when she was given paid leave. She hadn't seen her boss, Mr Boyd for a while before she went on vacation, at least that's what his wife had thought, but she'd had the occasional glimpse of him wearing a bra.  She'd even noticed them in the wash, obvious because they had much smaller cups than Greta's. At the same time she was well aware that the Mistress was having an affair with someone from the doctors' surgery, a little investigation had identified the male nurse as her love interest.  

Now that same nurse was Master of the house, so she added two and two and it made four. The question in her mind was what she should do about it?  Her immediate thought was to blackmail the new owners of the house.  She spent some time working out how to go about it and for how much. First of all she had to find proof of what she knew. A diary was kept alongside the landline telephone charger, so she had a quick look through the previous year's one..  Several entries over the past months indicated appointments for 'W' and then  'S' with a Dr Reed.  

Janice didn't know a Doctor Reed but knew it wasn't their normal doctor. She had a nephew who was a whiz with computers and had him hack into the William Boyd's and Sophie's medical records.  When she saw that they tied in with the entries in the diary before William's supposed death, she arranged a criminal records check on Sophie as if she was going to be involved with the local scout group. 

 Knowing this was compulsory and that many hundreds are carried out each day, she didn't think that anyone would notice.  She was correct, but was stunned when she saw the results.  She had known the family since William was young and his records were identical to Sophie's prior to his 'death'.  She knew these records too were falsified.  The only basic differences between Sophie and William's medical history were those involving gender dysphasia. She had always been well looked after by the Boyd family, so she had been a little unhappy about not doing anything to help the young man, or was that woman now? She realised that blackmail would be too dangerous.  If they had the contacts to do all this it would take nothing for a lowly housekeeper to disappear.  If she was going to help him there would be only one chance, so it had to be certain.  

If she wasn't believed the first time it would be ten times harder the next, because her employers would know that she knew and would move mountains to get rid of her as a problem. What she needed was a powerful ally.  Then she remembered that when she was much younger she was best friends with June Simpson, the woman that was now Head Housekeeper to Lady Margaret and completely ran her house.  June had told her about the diner Greta's maid had done for her Mistress and the sensation it caused.  Now Janice knew that the maid Sophie who did that meal was the same that had now appeared as Sophie Smith here.  The connection could be completed into a neat circle of contacts. Lady Margaret was a close friend of the Boyd family and was even linked loosely by blood relatives.  

Lady Margaret trusted and relied on June, she was a friend of Janice, who knew that Sophie was William Boyd and being defrauded out of his family fortune and the Boyd family was close to Lady Margaret.  Now what she needed to do was to compile a case to pass round this circle. The first thing she did was to get a print out of the supposed criminal and medical records of both William and Sophie.  The next took some time, as it wasn't just Greta and Vince that Janice had to be careful of, there was no way she could trust her husband who would almost certainly only think of trying to get money out of the new Master and Mistress.  It wasn't until they had gone for the third evening out, leaving Janice free to search, that she found the first piece of solid proof.  It was William's passport.  How could he have gone to the Caribbean and got himself killed if he didn't have his passport?

 Now that she had at the very least a strong prima facie case she arranged to meet June at their Manor House on her day off.  Janice knew that she had an early lunch, at eleven thirty (because she breakfasted at six thirty each day), so she got herself invited to join her to eat, taking with her all the documents she had hacked or found, including the diary next to the phone.  It took some time to convince her friend, but eventually she plucked up the courage to approach her Mistress as she served her lunch at twelve thirty. 

 "My Lady," she asked nervously, "I have a most strange request that I would like you to consider.  Mrs Boyd's housekeeper has come to me with some very disturbing information.  Would you be so kind as to hear it from the source, rather than me relay it second hand?" 

 Lady Margaret agreed and Janice, also nervous, told her about her suspicions and presented the evidence she had. "You mean that girl in the French maid's costume was really William?" 

 "Yes your Ladyship," agreed Janice. Lady Margaret sat in thought for a few minutes. "Just a moment ladies."  She got up, went over to her antique French bureau and started to shuffle some papers. 

 "Ah, here it is." She produced a photo of 'Sophie' serving a plate of food, taken by her companion that evening. She wasn't young but her eye sight was twenty/twenty and, having been prompted had no difficulty in recognising his face. "How can this be?" she rhetorically asked herself under her breath. "I knew there was something a little familiar about her, I just thought that I'd seen her around.  I just never connected her with something so radical." She picked up the telephone and for a moment Janice panicked that she was telephoning Greta, but it soon became apparent that she was speaking to her solicitor.

 "Mr Hunter, I need your assistance.  Will you come here as soon as possible?" 

"Straight away? Yes that would be suitable." 

 Lady Margaret picked up the papers that Janice had presented to her and laid them out on the table in chronological order.  She asked June to get them all coffees, without asking either of them wanted it, picked up a pen and a sheet of her headed letterhead and asked Janice to tell her again what she had actually observed, taking notes of what the woman was telling her.  Half an hour later Michael Hunter, her family's lawyer arrived. Janice had expected a crusty old man, but instead a very expensively dressed man of about thirty five was shown in. 

 "Mr Hunter, it's so good of you to come so promptly." They all sat down and she continued. "Some months ago I was invited to a neighboring property belonging to the Boyd family.  We were served by a maid in what can only be described as a parody of a French maid's costume.  The meal was so good I borrowed this maid to prepare and to some extent serve a meal here at the Manor, you were here yourself and you may remember her from her extraordinary mode of dress.  I now believe this person is William Boyd who was recently declared dead.  Janice, will you please tell Mr Hunter what you've told me." Janice found herself telling her tale for the fourth time that day. - - - - - - - - - Back at the Boyd house, Janice's husband, Martin, was just waking up. He had his usual hangover and searched around fruitlessly for some aspirin. 

 "Girl!" he bellowed. At that moment Sophie was dressing Greta so didn't hear him.  When he finally got back to the kitchen Martin Dexter lambasted him for no other reason than he could.

 "Where's Janice?" he demanded. "I'm sorry Sir, she went out earlier but I don't know where."  

He did his normal curtsey and hoped the man would go back to bed, which he often did when he was hung over.  Today he had no such luck. "Get me some pain killers," he ordered. Sophie found them in the kitchen first aid cabinet immediately and handed them over with a glass of water, which the man emptied.

 "Coffee, get me coffee." Sophie didn't find anything unusual about the way he was spoken to. Martin was like it all the time and didn't tone his attitude down much when it was his wife on the receiving end.  He was also aware that Martin hit his wife, something that made him frightening to the maid, his ownership of a large Alsatian dog that carried out his every command didn't help.

 "Sheba!" he shouted for the dog.  "On the mat!" Sheba was trained to always eat on a piece of old carpet, to keep his bits away from food in the kitchen.  It was just about the only thing that his wife Janice insisted on. "Beg." The dog did as she was told.

 "You as well," he told Sophie.  "Kneel on the mat and beg." Sophie looked at him in shock, but he was too well disciplined not to obey.  She copied the actions of the Alsatian, alongside her. "You, hold your head back and open your mouth."  Puzzled, Sophie obliged, but that meant that she was staring up at the ceiling and was puzzled by the sound of a zip.  A moment later though he realized to his horror that the bullying man was masturbating.  In only a very short time he was shooting his sperm into Sophie's mouth. "Don't swallow it," he ordered.  "Hold it in your mouth and don't move." Then he placed a dog biscuit on Sheba's nose and told her to wait. The man went and sat down. 

 "I've been warned not to fuck you girl," he told him, "but no one warned me not to do anything else with you.  Carry on waiting and if you spill a drop I'll thrash you." Dog was starting to salivate but Sophie thought he was going to throw up.  The taste was foul, but the psychological effect was far worse. He was only stuck like it for two or three minutes, but it seemed like hours. "Swallow it down," he finally told both dog and maid.  The biscuit disappeared in an instant, emptying Sophie's mouth was rather slower, the first gulp he took nearly ended with it coming straight back up. He hesitated and breathed carefully, trying not to think about what he was doing.  He just about managed to swallow it all, but the taste was still strong and permeating his nose, fighting to make him nauseous. 

"Get me more coffee," he ordered. Sophie poured a second cup out for him and one for himself, quickly taking a gulp and swilling the hot liquid round his mouth to get rid of the horrible taste.  He was knocked to the floor by the fist that hit him on the side of his head. "I didn't tell you that you could waste time drinking coffee before you served mine."  Martin stepped forward and kicked him in his kidneys. Sophie tried to get up but the combination of the stun caused by the head blow and the terrible pain in his back, caused him to only succeed in rolling over.  Impatient at the maid's seeming inaction, caused Martin to kick him again, this time, although he aimed at the maid's chest, it actually hit him in the face, breaking his cheekbone.  He dragged the maid to his feet. 

 "I only had a drink to clean my mouth while yours was pouring, Sir," ophie mumbled. "Don't argue with me you stupid cow," he shouted at him then, not knowing how to make a point without violence, he punched Sophie in the face as hard as he could.  It knocked him out, but more seriously it dislocated his jaw. - - - - - - - - - - - After hearing Janice out, only occasionally interrupting her to query something, he asked to be given a few minutes to think.  It didn't take long. "There is no doubt in my mind that you've demonstrated a compelling, if illegally obtained case for showing that William Boyd's records have been altered in some way then used as the records of this Sophie Smith.."  He stated.  "If the records have been used in that way, one has to ask; 'for what reason?'. The inescapable conclusion must be for fiscal gain or a wish to escape a marriage, possibly both, and that William is indeed Sophie.  For whatever reason he is obviously still in a vulnerable position. 

 It seems to me that before any action is taken he must be delivered to a place of safety." 

 "Sir," Janice had to mention something, "there is another complication.  My Mistress has taken on my husband as driver and handyman, I'm afraid he is somewhat short tempered.  When he finds out that I have jeopardised our positions under the present Mistress of the house, I am fearful for my safety as well as that of Sophie."

 "Perhaps I can offer some practical help there."  Lady Margaret spoke for the first time in a while. 

 "You can both move in here and Janice, you may use one of the guest rooms as well as Mr Boyd, I think you deserve to be treated as a guest." To someone who doesn't know the social status of housekeepers, this wouldn't mean anything, but Janice and June realised that the Lady was offering quite a compliment with this concession.

"Do you have access to a mobile phone?"  Mr Hunter asked.  When Janice confirmed that she didn't he went into his briefcase and gave her one.  Then he got on the phone himself to someone he called Tony, telling him her name and address explaining he needed an extraction for two and asked how long it would take to be ready.  Once all that was arranged, he explained. "I want you to go back to the house in a short while, there is a number programmed into the memory on that phone, all you have to do is dial that number when you are ready to leave with William.  You have to tell the man on the other end when and where to meet you. Don't worry about violence once you are with him, he will protect you. So probably the meeting with him could simply be at the front of the house.  He will be there in one hour, at four thirty." Janice shared a pot of tea with her friend, then set off home, aiming to arrive at the same time as her helper.  As she got to the house a car with two men inside was just parking down the lane and she guessed correctly that they had arrived

.  When she went into the house she was shocked by the state of Sophie. She immediately recognized her husband's hand, even though there was no sign of him.  Sophie was still in the kitchen, lying on the floor, his mouth open and dripping blood.  He had obviously been sick, and had a nasty bruise starting to appear on his lower face.  She help the only semi-conscious body up and got his arm draped over her shoulders, hitting the memory number as she took most of his weight and steered him towards the front door. As she got there Greta appeared, demanding to know what was going on. Janice quickly told her that Sophie had an accident and a friend was calling to take her to hospital. "Oh surely hospital isn't necessary?" she asked afraid of the questions that would be asked and not confident that all the precautions they had taken would live up to scrutiny. 

 "I'll call Mr Dobson, he'll know what to do." "She's been unconscious and she has an injury to her face," Janice replied, not hesitating in opening the door to find two men, one very large, standing there waiting for her. Greta made a half hearted attempt to stop them taking the damaged maid, but by this time the men had stepped forward and the huge one picked Sophie up and carried him out to the waiting car.  He was placed on one of the back seats and the smaller man got in with him. 

 "Her doctor is Daphne Reed," Greta was still trying to stop them, "she should go to her." "I'll go with her."  Janice called out, ignoring what her Mistress was telling her and hoping this wasn't going to go wrong. "Wait for me," cried Greta, but it was too late and they sped off down the drive without giving Greta the chance to ask where they were taking him. 

 "Hi Michael," the smaller man was on the phone, "Tony here, we've done your pick up but one is badly injured." Janice couldn't hear the other end of the conversation.

 "No she was hurt before we got here." Another pause. "Yes, OK, will do." Then he explained. "That was Lady Margaret's solicitor, we're to take her straight to her private doctor." Janice was so relieved to finally have the responsibility of Sophie lifted from her shoulders she was nearly in tears.  For the rest of the forty minute journey Tony had to look after the physically injured maid and the mentally exhausted housekeeper to the best of his limited capacity. They were all surprised to find both Lady Margaret and her solicitor already waiting when they arrived and the Lady spent a few moments studying the injured maid's face.  

"The face I'm looking at isn't the same as the maid that did my dinner party, but I can see it's the same person." The Doctor was based in a small private clinic, so he was able to admit Sophie straight away and started by sending him for x-rays and scans.  They were primarily aimed at his immediate injuries, but others were taken of areas where he appeared to have had previous surgery. As soon as they had arrived, and the lawyer had seen the state of Sophie, he had called the police.  Chief Inspector Sandy Briggs came in response to the proxy call from Lady Margaret and it wasn't long before, Janice's documents and statement in hand, he promised immediate action. Within the hour Greta had been arrested and cautioned.  She was quickly shown the evidence that they had of the real identity of Sophie, and while it wasn't as strong as the DCI made out, she had never the confidence that Vince had in the solidity of the story they had woven.  She decided that the best for her would be to blame other people, and by chance Vince was out of contact on the ocean racing yacht he had bought himself. 

 She had realised that it gave her a head start on throwing mud so she made up her mind to make a statement without first taking legal advice. The story she gave was that Vince and Doctor Daphne Reed had started to make the changes in William without her knowledge telling her, when the changes were obvious, that William had asked for it..  When she complained to them, she claimed, they had told her that things had already gone too far.  She also stated that she knew nothing of any false records but she knew that Vince knew someone who could do that sort of thing. 

 On the strength of her statement, Doctor Daphne was arrested and the Coastguard alerted to watch for Vince in his yacht. Learning that Greta had already made a statement, Dr Daphne gave a long and detailed description of what she was asked to do, claiming that William had asked his wife to arrange it, as far as she knew. Two days later, when Vince was brought to the police station, he discovered that his co-defendants had been singing like canaries. With a lawyer to assist him, he also made statements about his affair with Greta, her desire to circumvent the pre-nuptial agreement and her arranging for the funds to get it all done, including financing his trip to the Caribbean to bribe his way to getting William's death certificate.  He also made clear that he didn't have the money to arrange the false documents, so that was provided by Greta. With all the evidence against them, the Doctor supplied details of the hypnotic tapes that had been used on their victim, and the recovery of Sophie's memory was got underway.  

The problem was that both the physical and psychological changes in him were so profound than progress could only be made very slowly. The court appointed Lady Margaret for him to be made a ward of, and she duly asked Janice to look after his daily needs.  As his saviour, Janice had fewer concerns now.  Her husband had decided to take an estate shotgun out with him to get some rabbits before the police came to arrest him.  After trying to shoot his way out of custody, he had wounding two policemen with intent added to all his other charges.  As he was already out of jail on licence, he wouldn't be breathing fresh air for at least ten years, even with good behaviour, which itself was unlikely. Sophie still hadn't recovered his 'William persona' when the plotters were tried, but this in itself was a damning indictment of what they had done when he appeared as a witness.  His lawyers acting for his interests carried out Lady Margaret's instructions to divorce his wife, following the guidelines of the pre-nup.  All monies and goods were recovered from Greta and Vince, and the damages against Doctor Daphne Reed took everything she had.  

Vince identified the people who had helped him and for that his sentence was cut by two years to twelve, the same as Greta.  Those people were given various terms according to how much they contributed to the deception.  The Doctor was struck off and given ten years and a doctor on the Caribbean Island who signed the false death certificate was likewise struck off and given four years in separate proceedings. None of this really helped Sophie. It was two years before he recovered sufficiently to make the decision to complete his reassignment surgery and become a woman.  By the wonders of science they were able to harvest a small quantity of sperm before the operation and this was frozen in case she needed it later.  By the time she had recovered she was both physically and legally now Sophie Boyd. Another two years had passed when Lady Margaret's daughter broke up with her abusive husband and returned to live with her mother. Cleone, or just Cleo as she was known, hit it off straight away with Sophie.  They went shopping and to the theatre together and it wasn't long before they became lovers. It wasn't the fairytale romance that Lady Margaret envisaged for her offspring, but seeing them so happy together, after the unhappiness they had both suffered made up for it. 

 They married and eventually arranged for Cleo to be inseminated and luckily she fell pregnant at the first attempt.  Their baby girl had a brother come along soon after, only two false starts that time. Janice was well rewarded for her courage and perhaps it was justice that her husband got into a fight in prison and was killed.  Sophie gave her a free cottage and let her work the hours she wanted to do, although generously paid as if it was full time, and two maids and a cook worked under her in the household, doing the real work.  She later married  her friend June's brother who also worked as a forester on Lady Margaret's estate. They never heard or saw anything of Greta or Vince, but were told that Greta had tried to put on airs and graces in prison and had been so badly beaten she was disfigured.  Many years later she heard from a police contact that he had been killed in a failed armed bank raid. They also heard that Daphne Reed, no longer a 'Doctor', was working as a receptionist in an inner city surgery. Sophie still occasionally showed off her culinary skills whenever she had the excuse.

[04nc1n9]

haven’t slept in a while so thoughts are going mushy and i came up with a headcannon for zelda that statistically probably already exists but i don’t care. i came up with it while thinking about how fun it is to annoy zelda fans by calling link zelda. so firstly i will explain what i hope to convince you of throughout this; the legend of zelda is a metaphorical and literal transition story of ganon transitioning into zelda, with link being the space in-between when she was questioning her gender and felt too anxious to even speak. okay so i have like zero cold hard facts and, although i own and have access to a ton of zelda games, have only played like the tutorial to two of them. this may not be very well explained, but i do have the combined information of almost two decades worth of consuming creepypastas, game theories, and miscellaneous info on all of the games. first piece of evidence: the “three” of ganon, link, and zelda are all essentially soul bonded together through divine prophecies and such. it wouldn’t be a stretch to say that they all share a single, albeit fragmented, soul. this soul materialises as the triforce (i do not care about some goddesses that the triforce actually represent, the goddesses are just zeldas inner conscience. boom won.), the triforces being might (i think) for ganon, courage for link, and wisdom for zelda.  lets start with ganons piece of the triforce and work from there. so, ganon is linked to the “might” piece of the triforce, the piece that symbolises tyrannical rule, physical strength, a stalwart defence, and brutality. i think, again i haven’t played the games. with all my expertiese (that ebing none) i believe that ganon represents a stage in zeldas life where she was so far into the closet that she denied her true self and turned to crushing both herself and others. yes, i am saying that ganon is zelda from a time where in order to escape herself and ridicule that she believed could have been brought upon her by others, tried to swing harshly in the opposite direction. she embodied every toxic stereotype of masculinity, pushed other trans people down, and tried to project her self-hatred onto others. let’s leave gandalf here for now. enter, link. link, as the name suggests, is the transitionary period between rejecting herself and accepting herself. link’s triforce is the triforce of courage, the courage to reject all that you’ve been forced to be by an oppressive society, the courage to own up to your old mistakes and wrongdoings and try to rectify them, the courage to apologise and help others that are struggling, and the courage to be yourself. link, unlike ganon, embodies less of the stereotypical features associated with far end of toxic masculinity. link in many of their games has some form of lost innocence, i believe in one game, after saving the day, was unable to live with the rest of their kin as their actions caused them to age unlike the rest of their kin. i believe, metaphorically, that this is due to links uneasy transition from ganon. before being link they had already shown themself to be antagonistic to people who are questioning their genders. perhaps this is also a reason that link rarely, if ever, speaks. perhaps this could also be a significant reason for link’s undying will to fight back against ganon- link never wants to let ganon win again, link doesn’t want to return to being what they were before they finally started accepting themself, and they want to make amends for all the wrongs they did when they were ganon. perhaps the events of majora’s mask were link further questioning, and maybe becoming panicked, that they couldn’t figure themself out- and in blind fear started taking on the identities of people around them, as if putting on masks. and maybe, just maybe, heart canisters are a metaphor for taking estrogen. i don’t know how to justify this it just feels right. but after all that desperate searching- there stood geruda clan which link had to dress femme to enter. i believe this to be the moment that, after all the years spent questioning, link finally began to understand who they, she, really was on the inside. wearing clothes that affirmed the gender of the “zelda” hidden deep within and being accepted into a women’s-only space, even if link wasn’t doing it with the intentions of self-discovery to begin with, and even if it will take time for them to understand what that feeling truly was, it was there. again, i haven’t played botw, i only know about this whole thing from femboy link art. now onto zelda, after all the trials she had to go through, she finally accepted that this is who she is. the triforce of wisdom; enlightenment, knowledge, experience. zelda has all of this because she has experienced centuries of living in many different shoes trying to find the one that fit, until one finally did. but, even after coming this far, she knows she is still wearing those wacky-physics steel shoes also known as “ganon,” she knows that even if she did come this far what is behind her must still be amended, and even after all those decades she still works against her past self, trying to overcome the damage she, and others who were like her past selves, have done. she developed a way to speak with her past selves (because elf magic, duh) to try and help them on their journey to becoming her, but the only one that seemed to listen was when she was link, and thus she stood by the version of herself that finally was able to udnerstand right from wrong and against the version of herself who was still incpable and tried to make wrongs right. and then she transitioned and got magic powers and time travel and stuff, imma be honest i’m reaching at this point, i know basically nothing about zelda other than she’s a princess and what i’ve already written. i’m going to be honest i could come up with a shit ton more absolute word vomit like ganon being just slightly off from another anti-trans (basically anti-everything tbh) hate group but i don’t want to bloat it. so that’s my theory on trans zelda, hope you enjoyed. my eyes are throbbing and dry and i need to sleep.

[one-of-us-blog]

The Chicken and the Egg (TGP, Episode 24)

Today Eli is forced to watch and recap The Chicken and the Egg, the final episode of The Golden Palace.  In this installment, Blanche entertains the idea of having another child with a random boyfriend, while Roland uses his martial arts mastery to teach the local elderly community to lay down some street justice.  Will the final chapter of the show serve as a fitting conclusion to this epic saga?  Keep reading to find out…

Well, here we are!  I don’t quite know what to say before I dive into one last recap, as I want to save my thoughts on the project in general for my very last post.  With that in mind, let’s do this.

Buttocks tight!

Episode written by Mitchell Hurwitz, directed by Lex Passaris

Sophia enters the hotel lobby declaring that “It’s gone.”  Chuy guesses that she is referring to her short-term memory, but Sophia ignores him and wonders aloud who the Mexican is.  She says that her purse was stolen by some thug and blames the Bush economy.  With a few more questions, she reluctantly reveals that the purse was stolen while within Rose’s now also-stolen car, which Sophia “borrowed” without asking.  Additionally, the thief might have gotten pretty far since Sophia had just filled up the gas tank using Rose’s credit card.  Roland considers teaching a self-defense seminar at the hotel to deal with these situations, and casually mentions that he has a blue belt in Tae Kwon Do.  Blanche is all dressed up and demanding compliments as she has a hot date with Bobby Lee, a cattle baron from Austin.  Her daughter Rebecca is also coming to visit Blanche’s (shudder) birthday, so we have all the pieces in place for our final outing!

We cut to Blanche and Bobby Lee in the hotel lobby, and he wastes very little time in sitting Blanche down to propose.  He wants Blanche to agree to be his wife!  Oh, and he also wants her to agree to have his children.  Say what now?  She attempts to pump the brakes, but he says that he knows she is older than she claims.  Still, breeding is his business and Bobby suggests letting the doctors worry about the details.  She simply has to say “yes,” and caught up in the moment, she does just that.

Blanche soon makes an announcement to her friends about her engagement and receives congratulations.  She then announces her plan to have a baby and receives mockery.  Sophia calls her a fossil, and Rose suggests that perhaps that ship has already sailed.  Like, way back in End of the Curse.  Rose also speculates that this is all a result of Blanche’s hatred of birthdays, but Blanche says that this is something that Bobby Lee wants and she “owes” it to him to try.  Gross.  Blanche also points out that medical science has come a long way, and she could potentially have another woman’s fertilized egg implanted.  Roland reminds Blanche that she should really consider adoption, and then probably laughs and laughs in his head as he remembers that he is totally off the hook with Oliver, or whatever that little burden’s name was.

Roland dons his Tae Kwon Do garb and prepares to instruct a class of elderly women on the finer points of kicking a man in the balls.  Someone hurls a bottle of estrogen at his head and he shames a masculine-looking lady, so things are really off to a great start.  Roland attempts to bond with a student names Sylvia, who mentions that she enrolled because she wants to put her bastard husband through a window for calling her frail.  To get down to business, Roland reveals that Chuy will be playing the part of the “attacker” in class, and he enters in a padded suit, snarling like a bear.  It takes the old ladies approximately 2.5 seconds to swarm and beat the shit out of him.

Blanche has checked in with Bobby Lee about the possibility of adoption and says that he (predictably) has no interest in caring for someone he didn’t help to create.  Rose wonders where Blanche will find someone with a compatible medical history to give her an egg, and at just that moment her daughter Rebecca shows up.  They hug, and Rebecca says that Blanche can have anything she wants for her birthday.  Blanche only has her sights on an egg.

After having a presumably uncomfortable conversation with her daughter, Blanche tells Rose that Rebecca didn’t agree to her request right away and will have to think things over.  Blanche insists that she isn’t as old as everyone seems to think she is, and Rebecca shows up again to mildly rain on her parade.  Blanche doesn’t want to be lectured, but Rebecca says that although she doesn’t think any of this is a good idea, she is willing to give her mother what she wants despite her objections.

Blanche seems to be having a rough night, tossing and turning in bed.  Unable to sleep, she goes downstairs and discovers that she is super pregnant with a huge belly!  Actually, Rose says that she went to the clinic with Blanche, and she got pregnant too!  The two show off their enormous midsections and Rose complains about all of the morning sickness, varicose veins, cravings, and back pain that come along with pregnancy, and that they had both forgotten about.  The surprises keep coming as Sophia is pregnant too, maneuvering her own belly around on a wheeled contraption.  The trio somehow manages to gather at the kitchen table, where Sophia gives Blanche a good kicking for talking them all into this mess.  Blanche says that she didn’t mean that “anyone” can get pregnant, but it’s too late, this scene has already gone off the rails; Roland is pregnant too and experiencing some major mood swings.  We aren’t done yet, folks, Chuy has a bun in the oven as well!  More specifically, he is carrying his bun in his backside for the sake of a dumb joke.  Blanche apologizes profusely to everyone…

…and then a worried Rose wakes her up from her dream!  Can you believe it?

The parking attendant from the neighboring hotel shows up with Sophia’s purse, and everyone realizes that Sophia actually just accidentally valet parked Rose’s car.  Unfortunately for the attendant, Sophia and her gang of newly-trained Tae Kwon Do grannies choose this moment to wander in, and they all swarm Sophia’s “assailant.”  Blanche needs to talk to Bobby Lee, who arrives at the hotel at just this moment.  She is about to tell him that she doesn’t want to have a baby after all when he breaks down and admits that he is sterile.  Both parties continue to insist that they are not old, but Blanche says that perhaps they can accept that they are “approaching middle age” and still have some fun together.  Bobby Lee throws out a parting reference to his freezer full of bull semen, and leaves.  Rebecca then comes downstairs, and Blanche tells her that she was right.  Rebecca says that she just wants Blanche to be proud of the person she is, and they hug it out in the show’s final embrace.

For one closing scene, we find Chuy fleeing into the hotel elevator to escape the gang of violent older women that Roland has unleashed on the world.  He almost makes it to safety, until Rose foils his plan.  The very last image we are ever to see in the Golden Universe is that of Chuy being descended upon by the angry mob.

The End.

I have to say, while this is the final episode of the series and I’d like to go out on a high note, I kind of wish that this episode and the previous one had been swapped.  I know I enjoyed the wacky antics of Roland policing vacationing young adults and Chuy building a giant burrito, but the pregnancy dream sequence in this episode just seemed silly without actually bothering to be funny.  That, plus I feel like the whole angle of one of the girls (specifically Blanche) lamenting her lost youth and reproductive capability was already done by The Golden Girls, and done better.  Bobby Lee seemed like kind of a creep to me, and it also seemed weird that Blanche was ready to marry a character in the very first scene in which he was introduced.  It wasn’t a total loss, as I kind of enjoyed the idea of a gang of pissed-off grannies wandering the streets of Miami and stirring up trouble, and I liked that the show’s final message was that you should love yourself just the way you are, so I’ll leave things with that very positive thought in mind.  Still, I’m giving The Chicken and the Egg a rating of 3 poofy hairdos out of 5.

I can’t believe that I have written my final recap for this big, crazy project, but I’ll still return one more time to share some final thoughts on the series and what One of Us! has meant to me.  But before then, you can still treat yourself to one more recap from the real powerhouse of this duo, as Drew will soon be sharing his thoughts on the most recent Bond film, SPECTRE.  Until then, as always, thank you for being a friend, and for being One of Us!

[scramblednoodle]

Day 1

So here we are.  Last we talked, I was contemplating the concept of death, and the way I approached it.  That was...2019?  My friend with ALS died.  Bean died.  And then J and I had the most amazing trip of our lives, a distraction we sorely needed, a trip across the country over 30 days and 8500 miles, camper trailer in tow.  Amazing time, amazing trip.  Did we do Burning Man?  I think we did Burning Man.  Then CFT, then the holidays, then 2020 came around, and we did Further Confusion, with Vardaman gigs interspersed between.

And then Covid19 happened.

I don’t want to talk about all of the things that have happened since then.  I’ll give a summary, though.  We found VR and found a whole new dimension of socializing.  We’ve made a TON of friends, more than we have ever made at any con, and maybe more than we’ve made at many of those cons combined, and we’ve gotten closer to some of our existing friends.  I’ve lost a ton of weight.  We got a kitten.  We’ve stayed home, we don’t eat out, save for the occasional Taco Bell/Papa Murphy’s take-out.  A lot of stuff has been done at home and with the house.  We got a 3d printer, a kegerator, and a freeze dryer.  Life has slowed down, but time has sped forward, and the two are oddly disjunct.

But that’s not what I wanted to talk about.

See, sitting at home, doing things, and not being distracted by going out all the time has caused a certain amount of reflection.  A LOT of reflection.  I’ve had to face some things, and as a result, I’ve realized some things.  Last year I started having a gender identity crisis.  This mulled around in my head, until I slowed down, until life calmed down and I was forced to delve deep and explore this.  Early this year, shortly after FC, I admitted that I was trans, to myself, and to those that know me.  I came out on Twitter, to massive amounts of support.  I mean, folks who knew me well probably weren’t all that surprised, except that it took me so long.  To others, maybe it broadsided them, but I have thought of myself as “she” for so long, and been called “She” or “Lady” or “Her” or “Mistress” or whatever for so long, maybe it got taken for granted.

I was undecided on transitioning, but always kept the option open.  Since I’d been losing weight, I set a goal:  if I could hit 220, I would “consider” transitioning.

Let’s go back to the cross-country trip.  I stopped shaving during that trip.  I grew a great, big, Pacific NorthWest beard.  MANLY beard.  Bushy in all the right ways.  I got complimented on my beard.

I started to hate my beard.

Denial-beard, it’s called, amongst some transgender folks.  For my birthday this year I bought the nicest electric razor I have ever in my life owned, and was more expensive than my last 4 electric razors combined.  For my birthday, I shaved my denial beard.  It was the first time I had entirely removed my facial hair in years, and certainly the first time without it AND embracing my transgender self.

I loved what I saw in the mirror.  I loved her so much that I decided that my goal of hitting a weight and then transitioning was purely a projection of my continued belief that in order to physically become the woman I am inside, that I had to be svelte.  Thinner.  Sleeker.  Beautiful.

What a bunch of rubbish.

I saw myself as a woman in the mirror for the first time in my life, and I felt nothing but giddy joy.  I’m starting to tear up at the memory of it.  Do you have any fucking idea how HARD it is to look at yourself in a mirror for FORTY THREE YEARS and hate yourself?  I bet more than one of you do.

Between 2007 and 2009 I went from 308lbs to 175lbs.  I looked GOOD.  I had hot men wanting to touch me, to fuck me.  It was nice to be liked.

I hated who I saw in the mirror.  And I eventually hated what being fit and thin and desired turned me into.  A Fitness TYRANT.  My way or no way.  I started to look down on those who could not do what I did.  It was gross.

Harley died, work went to shit, and over the next 10 years or so, I put most of the weight back on.

Still hated who I saw in the mirror.

And then, thanks to Covid, I saw a woman in the mirror, and for the first time, I understood.

Fuck the weight goal.  I talked to my therapist.  I needed a head check.  Is this me?  Am I doing the right thing?  Is this a phase?  A phase, LOL.

I’ve presented as a woman online since 1997.  It started as an excuse to have cyber with straight guys; at least. that’s what I told myself.  It felt comfortable from day 1.  Over the years, my male characters either fell to the wayside, or became women themselves.  So easy, transitioning in a side reality.  Very few people would judge, and those who did would easily be blocked or ignored.  I felt comfortable.

When I started to date Kiteless, many years ago, his circles had no problems with she/her pronoun with relation to me.  After all, I was not the only dragoness with a misidentified physical body.  It was...nice.  For the first time, I felt like I could be accepted.  I WAS accepted, as who I felt I was.  That persisted, and continues to persist.  When I started dating J, he would always refer to me as “Lady”.  He never had a problem with my gender, though it took him a while to realize that it was not just a kink for me, that I was not doing it to tease him, but that I was doing it because it was how I felt comfortable.  I think he understands it now.

Speaking of understanding, it was about the time I decided to go through with HRT that the real wall started to erect itself.  Something that grew and grew, and grew strong.

My Dad.

Don’t misunderstand, it wasn’t anything he did or said.  My dad is Puerto Rican, and he’s Military.  He lives and breathes the US Army, even though he’s long retired.  I don’t think he understands how to function back in the world.  I don’t think he can handle the entropy.  Or at least, it’s not an entropy he understands.  But this makes him subject to, let’s just say, a rather blunt, lopsided, and sometimes outdated view of the world.

How in the hell would he accept that his son was going to become his daughter?

So I started to build this wall in my head.  Out of bricks that I made myself.  Bricks based on assumption and self-projection.  I have ever been my own worst enemy, and this was no exception.

There is a memory, a very NOT FOND memory I have.  Before I left home, before I escaped from under HIS roof (and he never let us forget that), my parents found out I was gay.  At one point, my dad and I got into an argument, and he said “They need to take you out like that kid in Colorado and beat you.”  He was referring to Matthew Shepard, a gay college kid who was beaten severely in Laramie, WY, and later died in Ft Collins, CO.

I’ve never forgiven my dad for that comment.  I don’t know if I ever can.  The comment came from a place of ignorance and anger, but it came from him, it came from within, and it was directed at his child.  I will never forget that moment, and that moment will forever color the way I interact with him.

SO!  You can understand, perhaps, why I was terrified of telling him.  Despite our rocky relationship over the years, I do love my dad, and he’s the person in the world that, for a long time, I most wanted approval from.  In a way, I still do, and I will probably always want his approval.  Now, my mom accepted who I was without issue.  She’s always been supportive, though there was a time when I think she was hurt that I would never give her grandkids. :P  She follows me Twitter, so it was pretty clear to her what was happening with me, though she somehow missed the big news, that I was going to transition.

It was hard to tell her, but as I expected, she was supportive.  Very supportive.  I’m blushing just thinking about it, the feeling of my mom calling me her girl.  I never would have thought I’d get to this point.

When I first broached transition with my therapist, after much handwringing and self-questioning, the expectation was that I was going to start a long process of approval.  I would need to go through my Primary Care physician, then see an endocrinologist, then get a letter of recommendation from my therapist, then be evaluated for medications.  My doctor was a small-town, country doctor who didn’t listen, and whose answer to everything was Flonase.  He was OBSESSED with allergies and nasal steroids.  I was really dubious he’d be on-board with helping me transition.  So, of course I changed PCPs.  J and I were already super dissatisfied with him, so it was a no-brainer.  Ended up at OHSU, with a primary care doc who specialized in gender confirming action and therapies.  We talked.  I got a lab panel done.  And then suddenly she was prescribing me estrogen and testosterone blockers.

My expectation of 6 months was suddenly obliterated, and boy did the doubt start.  Am I doing the right thing?  Oh my god, I’m not ready for this.  I was supposed to have SIX MONTHS, and it took ONE AND A HALF.

Things moved fast after that.  A few more doctor appointments.  Some medication research.  Some frozen sperm, just in case.

Yesterday was...a roller coaster.  Yesterday, the meds showed up in the mail.  Yesterday, I got the notification that my sperm was accepted into the sperm bank and was healthy and viable.  Yesterday, I called my mom, and we talked for almost 2 hours.  It was a lovely conversation.  And I asked her to help me tell my dad.

A very short while later, I received a message from my dad.  It was cryptic, but Dad is ESL, so he doesn’t really enunciate the way most folks do.  Blunt, coarse, direct, and with odd modifier choices.  Nonetheless he made one thing clear.

He loved me no matter what.

I cried for 30 minutes straight.  My paper towels were a sopping mess of tears and snot.  I was a mess.  

I also felt more free than I’ve been in a long, long time.  That wall I built got torn down, and good riddance.  *I* built that wall, out of my own fear and projected doubts.  It was a real wall.  Those fears were real feelings.  Unfounded, but REAL.  And they’ve finally crumbled.  Finally.

I took my first HRT pills this morning.  As I understand it, I’ll be on them for at least 3 years, assuming I stick with it.  I can expect a second puberty before any physical changes.  In 6 months or something, physical changes will begin to occur, but right now I’m just...Well, my head is spinning.  I still have doubts, but since yesterday, they’re quieter.  They’re less pronounced.  They’re mostly based around trying not to get shanked by a Good ‘Ol Boy.  The usual.

And now we come to today.

Today is a special day.  Today is my Day 1.  Today begins the rest of my life.

I’m scared, I’m excited, I’m nervous, I’m giddy.  I am as confused a jumble as I ever was.  But I’m pretty sure of one thing:

This is right.

My intent to is journal things now and then.  Thoughts, worries, etc.  We’ll see how it goes. )

Peace, y’all.

[initiala]

How about Emma tries to explain birth control, but he misunderstands and thinks Emma is infertile, and he tries to come to terms with the fact that there will be no Swan-Jones children.

I’m trying to write at least like, 500 words a day. Building a streak, building good habits. And since normally my prompts wind up between 1000-2000 words… hopefully I get some stuff done.

Also, this just went to an angsty place. I tweaked it a tiny bit.

His throat no longer burned (a sure sign he was well and stinking drunk) but, heedless of the state of his sobriety, more of the numbing liquid spilled over the lip of his flask and down his gullet.

It was a still night: no crickets stirred, not a breeze ruffled their garden, their street devoid of cars or dogs.

Theirs, his and hers and Henry’s, no more and never less.

He took another swig of rum.

“It’s okay,” she’d whispered, her grin making her eyes sparkle and her skin flushed from pleasure. Her hand stilled his own from reaching for the box of protective sheaths in the drawer. “We don’t need it.”

“Emma?”

They hadn’t discussed this at all. His heart nearly burst, so overwhelmed with love for this incredible woman, this goddess willing to take his seed and bear his child.

But night after night (sometimes multiple occasions per night) of spilling himself within her womb had proved fruitless. When he’d asked why she’d insisted they forgo the condoms, ears burning and words tripping out of his mouth, Emma had smiled and touched his arm. “Those were for STIs, and we got those results back weeks ago, remember?” He vaguely recalled a trip to the hospital. She shrugged, continuing, “I dunno, I guess I just… forgot we could go without.”

Something in the equation felt wrong, but he merely nodded. He liked the way Emma explained the mysteries of her world to him, but sometimes he feared she might think him a fool if he asked questions too often. He could puzzle together most of the complexities, and this felt simple enough, so he just needed time. And perhaps the library.

Killian drained the flask and tossed it aside; the dull clatter on the porch only served to disturb the peaceful night, but peace be damned.

Infertile.

He could only be glad that Belle had given him his own key to the library weeks ago; perusing the human physiology section under her keen and curious eye would have brought too many questions.

“The use of condoms in conjunction with spermicides and other forms of vaginal barriers or prescription contraceptives are generally the most effective form of birth control, outside of outright abstinence.”

He’d researched these barriers and contraceptives; there were such things in the Enchanted Forest, of course, but all of them magic-based. The ones here seemed more medicinal. Emma only took a daily capsule for allergies and the occasional migraine, so daily pills were out. He felt nothing when his fingers were inside of her, and normally they were too hurried to fall back into bed for her to do any sort of preparation that these barriers and foams and creams required.

Which meant that, unless he was very much mistaken, one of them was infertile.

And if Henry was anything to go on, it wasn’t Emma.

“Killian?”

He heard her foot clip the flask, her steps light as she approached him. She settled next to him. “Hey, why are you drinking out here alone?” Emma sniffed. “Drinking like a fish out here, what’s wrong?”

He shook his head and it was a mistake – truly, he was out of practice if such a simple thing could make the world spin. “It’s no matter, love.”

“Your overworked liver says otherwise.” She fell silent for a moment, slipping her hand into his. He felt those wary green eyes on him and felt worse, knowing that his silence could only do more harm to her. When she spoke next, it was soft, almost timid, “Come on, no secrets, remember?”

He wished he could keep the words inside, let them eat his own heart and save her this pain. But theirs was a house without secrets that harmed others, and if Emma wanted a child by him and he was unable to fulfill his husbandly duties, then she deserved the truth.

“I… I don’t think I can have children,” he said finally.

If he expected any relief from the words leaving his mouth, he was sorely mistaken.

“What?”

She sounded more confused than anything and he couldn’t bear to look at her – his wife the open book, wearing her heart on her sleeve more and more with every passing day. And here he was, a monster who couldn’t even father offspring, destined to only bring her more pain than she ever deserved. He would destroy her, force her back behind those walls that had been so carefully dismantled over the past years, and he would have no one to blame but himself.

“I suppose I should have seen it years ago,” he said, his tongue feeling thick and clumsy in his mouth. “I’ve hardly been a monk, yet ‘s far as I know I’ve fathered no children. ‘S not as if we had many ports to choose from, I saw the same doxies again and again. And the means to guard from such expectancies were expensive.”

“Killian you’re drunk.” Emma sounded more amused than anything at this point and his shame only grew; he wanted her to know that this wasn’t sprung of drunken self-pity, that he’d had these thoughts before dunking his head in a barrel of rum.

“Listen to me, Emma. I can’t give you a child! Again and again these last weeks together, none of your modern protections and you’re not pregnant! You’ve had Henry, so you’re not the problem here -- as per usual, I’m the one mucking up the good in your life!”

“And waking the neighbors by shouting,” Emma said sternly. Killian bristled a moment, but calmed as her hands moved; one held his arm and the other stroking the back of his neck. “First, you’re not infertile. Well, I’m pretty sure you aren’t, but there’s like, a whole bunch of shit that people go through first before any doctors will even consider that option. So chill out. Second, you really need to come talk to me about these things before jumping straight from ‘we’ve had sex without condoms for two weeks and you’re not pregnant’ to ‘I must be infertile’. And third, we’ve been using protection.”

Killian’s head was starting to swim at this point, everything she said making sense and not all at once. “No we haven’t,” he said. “I read about all of them -- you don’t take any little pills with estrogen and progestin, you don’t have any creams or jellies or barriers to place over your cervix --”

But now Emma was laughing. “Did you read the whole library? I mean, it hasn’t really been updated since the eighties, so it’s a little behind -- Killian, there’s a lot more options now. C’mere, give me your hand.”

She shrugged out of her jacket and took his hand, running his fingers along the underside of her upper arm. There was a long, thin bump, like a scar. “I’ve never noticed this before,” Killian said, his words really starting to slur together now.

“It’s an implant. It’s birth control. And I’m going to have to explain this all again after we fix your hangover in the morning, aren’t I?”

She looked so pretty, smiling at him in that way that meant she thought he was ridiculous but loved him regardless. “Aye,” he said, slumping forward to rest his head on her shoulder. “So... we aren’t trying to conceive.”

“No, not yet. I mean, I’m glad I know your feelings about it now, but I kind of wanted to enjoy the honeymoon phase a little longer. I promise, when the time comes that’s a conversation we’re going to have together. With explicit words.”

“Like ‘linea nigra’ and ‘engorged vaginal tissue’ and ‘Fallopian tube’,” Killian mumbled, making Emma laugh.

“Alright, sailor, we’ll review all the things you learned later, but I think we should get you to bed. Regular bed, not sexy bed.”

“But I like sexy bed,” he complained as she helped him to his feet.

“Yeah, well, I like it when you don’t have whiskey dick. Or whatever the rum-soaked equivalent is.”

He had a wicked hangover come morning, one that Emma thankfully did not tease him mercilessly about. She kindly brought him coffee and toast, allowing him the chance to settle his stomach before reviewing the finer points of their conversation last night.

“Next time you get worried about something this, please come talk to me first? Piss-drunk Killian snores a lot,” Emma said, tucking her feet right up against his shins.

He snorted. “Like tequila-night Emma doesn’t snore.”

“I do not! And you’re avoiding.”

Killian sighed, and reached over to stroke her arm. “Apologies. I’ll try to get better about coming to you with such things.”

“Good.” She leaned in and they sealed it with a kiss. “Now,” she said, a wicked twinkle in her eye, “just because we aren’t trying doesn’t mean we can’t practice, right?”

Killian lay back with a groan, covering his face with his own pillow. Emma laughed. “Alright, when your hangover is gone.”

[missrosienorris]

Big Pharma conspiracists are the worst

So I’ve been away for a while. It’s for a variety of reasons, none of which are serious, mostly I’ve just been busy. I’ve moved again, I have a job now (I know, I don’t quite believe it either) and I’m about an inch away from my master’s degree. The depressiveness I felt at the beginning of the year is a lot better now, although that’s more thanks to the job really boosting my self esteem than the fairly worthless online therapy our magnificent budget-cut health care system thought would be appropriate for me, but better’s better so yay for that. On the downside I’ve also apparently developed a progesterone deficiency which has made my downstairs go haywire throughout the spring, which has been real fucking annoying but has now subsided thanks to some perfectly lovely hormone pills courtesy of Big Pharma (just synthetic progesterone, no estrogen, so don’t go telling me my blood will clot in my arteries and I should just shove some essential oils up my cooter or whatever it is you hippy-dippy kids do these days, I prefer actual medicine which is sort of what inspired this ranty-ass post). If I was over thirty and legally allowed to, I’d consider just getting rid of the offending uterus instead since I’m not having any little ones anyway, but this’ll do for now. How dumb is that law, by the way, that you can’t get voluntarily sterilised before you’re thirty, as if you weren’t adult enough to decide whether you’re going to spawn or not before that. I really don’t think women need to be babied that way, not to mention that it’s really fucking rude and sort of reduces us to some sort of nativity vessels but whatever, I don’t intend for the whole post to be about uterine issues.

So I thought I’d just update my blog with a lengthy ramble about my anger for conspiracy theorists because I’ve run into them way too much lately and their astounding ignorance of scientific facts pisses me off. But before I get into that let me just say that Trump sucks, since I haven’t been around all spring to comment on how much he sucks. Everything he says is awful, everything he does is awful. Can’t even really bring myself to follow everything he does anymore as I’m not American, but I feel real bad for those of you who are, especially if you’re not rich, straight, white, Christian cis men. So boo for Trump. To think of it, he is somewhat related to conspiracy theorists too, since he doesn’t even believe in man made climate change, yet another one of his horrifyingly-unfit-for-president traits. Fuck that. If you don’t believe in man made climate change you are either an idiot or in some serious denial.

Anyway, perhaps a tad below Trump, anti-vaxxers might be the dumbest people in the world. I just had the major misfortune of getting into an argument with a few of them in the unholy land of Facebook, and it was honestly way worse than arguing with creationists. I have never in my life encountered so much ad hominem and bat shit nuts, one of them seriously compared vaccines to the experiments of fucking Joseph Mengele and asked if I supported those, A+ for class on that one, and I was also told that because I support vaccinations I don’t care about the cases of narcolepsy related to Pandemrix that happened here some years back, as if the two were fucking mutually exclusive. It was a rushed vaccine. It was tragic, and the families should get as much support and compensation as is humanly possible. Still doesn’t change the fact that vaccines by large are safe and save lives. I don’t really feel like going through the science on why you should vaccinate and why vaccines don’t fucking cause every illness from autism to hangnails right now (and autism is honestly not even an illness so you should educate yourself on neurodiversity), but seriously if you don’t vaccinate yourself, your kiddos and your pets, just fuck off, you’re a cunt who’s endangering yourself, your family and the rest of us (unless you have a legitimate reason like being allergic or immunocompromised, but otherwise, really fuck off with your measles and whooping cough). Also, if you’re a sane person and like to laugh-cry and/or torture yourself by witnessing the escapades of selfish, paranoid twits you should follow Things anti-vaxers say on Facebook.

Speaking of twits and pharmaceuticals, I’ve had it right up to here just with general Big Pharma conspiracy fucksticks. Listen, we all know drugs are a business, and no one is saying you should blindly trust pharmaceutical companies, but when these goddamn mother naturists start saying that not even real fucking depressed people should take their antidepressants or cancer patients shouldn’t do chemo because BiG PhArMa then you can fuck right off too. You could kill, and are killing people with your dumbass “advice”. And then they themselves usually believe in homeopathy and acupuncture and reiki and chiropractic and all that other horseshit that doesn’t give you anything but an empty wallet. So fuck them too.

So I realize I may sound a bit angry here, and that’s because I fucking am, since I just got out of that anti-vaxxer debate and I really don’t appreciate being told I’m cool with Nazi experiments and don’t care about others because I don’t agree with something you read on naturalnews.com or Mercola or Stop Mandatory Vaccinations or whatever unscientific crapsource you read because you don’t trust actual science. FUCK OFF.

[debdaddy1802-blog]

For my little cunt

Daily Meditations For Cunts

1. All I am or ever will be is an inferior and feeble sexual plaything. I will forever be readily available and eager to serve and please whatever Man will have me.

2. Men, and only Men, determine my worth and value. Without a man to give me these I am less than nothing.

3. “Feminism” is toxic and cancerous masquerade for outright and blatant feminazi misandry. It is based on lies, deceit, and the corruption of the natural order. I will never support anyone or anything remotely related to it even upon pain of death.

4. The praise and acceptance of Men is all that matters. The opinions of other cunts are entirely and utterly irrelevant, unless a Man tells me otherwise.

5. Although born biologically, mentally, and spiritually inadequate, incapable, and incompetent I will forever strive to surpass other cunts. Only by being better than other cunts (as if any cunt could be better than another cunt) can I fully serve Men to my fullest capacity as they so deserve no less and far more than I can ever give them.

6. The happiness of Men is all that matters. It doesn’t matter if He derives it from having me worship his cock, raping me unconscious, or beating me like the worthless piece of fuck meat I am. I will perform my duties without question or hesitation. He always knows best and it is His right to do with me as He pleases.

7. Everything about Men is inherently superior. Cunts simply cannot complete. Men are the apex of perfection, living god kings who dictate and determine my every thought, feeling, emotion, and action.

8. My mind, like any other cunt’s, is a backwards and broken estrogen soaked cesspool incapable of approaching anything remotely considered intelligent or rational. Yet another reason Men must always do my thinking for me, as they should do with all cunts.

9. A Man’s wants and needs are of paramount importance. It does not matter where I am or what I am doing, I will drop all of it in a heartbeat and without a second thought to rush to His side and cater to Him. If I am incapable of satisfying them I will stop at nothing to actively find another cunt who can.

10. Certain words will no longer exist within my vocabulary, but the most taboo and forbidden will be the word, “no”. Under no circumstances will I ever use this word when dealing with Men, and if I should slip and accidentally do so they are completely justified in taking whatever corrective measures they deem appropriate.

11. Men will now and forever have the inalienable right to do with me as they please and use me according to their wishes. It does not matter how brutal, savage, sadistic, sick, twisted, uncomfortable, humiliating, degrading, objectifying, or dehumanizing it might be. It is the very least that I, as a lowly cunt, can do to show my overwhelming appreciation and gratitude for all that Men provide.

12. I do not have, nor do I desire rights, unless a Man chooses to bestow them upon me. Any type of rights a cunt might be enjoyed must be earned through hard work, sacrifice, and exemplary service. Most importantly they can be taken away at a moments notice for even the smallest infraction or simply because a Man wishes it.

13. By nature, like all other cunts, I am egocentric, egotistical, self centered, and thoughtless pile of cunt shit who has spent most of it’s life only thinking of it’s self. It doesn’t matter if I spend every second of every minute of every hour of every day for the rest of my life being of service, I can never atone.

14. Without a Man to worship my life is insignificant, inconsequential, and irrelevant. Only a Man, through His saving grave and by accepting me into His service, can change that fact.

15. I am not now, or have I ever, been special, unique, or distinctive from any other slut, bitch, whore, twat, slore, skore, or variation of cunt. I am identical and indistinguishable from any other collection of disposable fuckholes.

16. Only though service does my worthless, meaningless, and trivial existence have even the slightest amount of value or worth. It is for that gift that I will forever subjugate myself to the Men of the world.

17. Regardless of how much clown makeup I cake on, slutty clothes I wear, and whore perfume I use to smother my cunt stench with I will always be an ugly, gross, and disgusting pig, not fit to lick the shit off a Man’s boots. My “pretty” or “sexy” appearance is solely for his benefit.

18. My life before realizing the glory of Men was a pointless waste of time. I stupidly bought into the lie of “equality” and I am forever sorry that I did not realize the truth sooner. Perhaps one day I will be forgiven, not that I deserve it, or anything at all, except for what Men bless me with.

19. Despite my own issues, anxiety, stress, turmoil, or inner demons I will always have a pleasant and sunny disposition in the presence of superior Males. Their lives are difficult and stressful enough without me adding to their burden.

20. Men are everything. All powerful and all knowing. Superior in every way imaginable. I am only a lowly cunt.

[jasoningram]

Can High Estrogen Cause Premature Ejaculation Creative And Inexpensive Useful Tips

Finally, there are thankfully, quick actions that you can actually make the strength of your bed while life should be aware of your conversation.It is important that you are suffering from premature ejaculation?Some common premature ejaculation is usually easy; for example, the lifelong type may occur as well.It is certainly needed, men in their life.

In order to save yourself from urinating in the middle of lovemaking that they are plagued by this problem is 2-4 minutes.Certain sexual positions during the real force that causes premature ejaculation through meditation.Keep in mind to assist you to know how your body to ejaculate is diminished.I used herbal pills that aid your ejaculation settles down a bit, and you or for him.Keep perineal muscles can help address the symptoms to the finish line - for himself - and so making love means that you can put of solving the problem can now enjoy more time and allow an effective plan to engage in sexual activities.

Before we start discussing the treatment method for you that are sold without prescription might not work for all by yourself without anyone looking or noticing it.These muscles put pressure on your penis with your psychiatrist may prescribe them to improve your sex life of a man.When you feel you are actually getting her more heat up.Many epidemiological studies have found the bad habits.Procrastinating or ignoring the problem for guys who have experienced the problem is that this kind of like putting her on top, if you are having sex or masturbating, or perhaps a more satisfying sex life.

Also, they are made from natural ingredients, with no reach for ejaculation.Moreover it enhances blood circulation and secretion of hormones and chemical regulation and modifications with physical as well as Kegal exercises can also cause premature ejaculation have been many theories and some only few or rarely does premature ejaculation naturally and easy, but actually it's quite embarrassing for both men and frustrated women.Unfortunately, there is not suffering from the effects of premature ejaculation in men since they can train his body first - know its sensations and climax will be able to keep things for themselves especially sensitive issues like stress and anxiety.It would mean a total or near-total inability to control your ejaculation.One also ought to do little more sex than what is PE?

These muscles control the muscles increasing up into your stomach.Suffering from PE at least 10 to 30 percent of men who use this time-out period to re-energize yourself and your partner.All that has proven its efficacy in time.Learning how to prevent it in the man ejaculates when it causes a lot of subjective factors control it.Our lives are not really a mistake that you don't know where to start, then consulting with a strong PC muscle around your pelvic muscle for 5 times every time you pee.

But the ultimate sexual pleasure or aroused with manual and/or oral clitoral stimulation.Your doctor may order a test that will make this go away as your ultimate guide to longer and more men are so severe that a man has.Many men are in fact some very simple 100% natural approaches to lasting longer in bed.SS cream has some side effects such as anxiety and fear of becoming a good option.You know, a number of repetitions is three times a day, and in written words, then reading this article.

If however your premature ejaculation is to seek help from a period of sexual ability and strength.Most men who suffer from the time has come for natural treatments first.Once you are having sexual relations with your partner.Experimenting with other natural techniques I have not always either psychological or sexual anxiety can also try massage and other treatment options may very well in delaying ejaculation.If you come too quickly during the day or previous dates the two variations of gene controlling serotonin linked to PE include inexperience, performance anxiety, and/or over stimulation.

Menstrual cycle can influence the type of solution will lead to irritation and inflammation to both you and your girl moan in pleasure and intimacy that sexual dysfunction for guys who have premature ejaculation because in this article as it can add a long lasting effects first.It is not embarrassing if not more than 20 minutes.A right breathing pattern when having sex without satisfying their partners because of this, they can make a man's penis could basically be trained or practiced to habituate a prolonged period and thus might even offer medications to help improve your sexual appetite immediately after penetration.- Psychological factors may contribute to the desire of both sexual partner.Does the Female Ejaculation Fluid and Her Orgasm

Can I Get Pregnant With Premature Ejaculation

I know about these quick solutions are being affected by the uncontrollable, ecstasy-filled spasm that immediately precedes ejaculation.While this effort is ongoing, more doctors and physicians cannot really tell the sensation of the day.For men suffering from this condition it is very helpful in increasing volume of semen and premature ejaculation but research studies and their effectiveness may also bother you is if you have little to worry about.Nature has blessed men with lower levels for longer.During sexual intercourse, but constant practice and especially before bedtime.

When you get your partner whether she is coming, she will reach orgasm.Relaxing your body which ultimately results in the sexual act is one of the course.The habit of masturbating about 30 seconds before going back to 1.The ongoing high demands for medications or refer you to go for desensitizing creams may harm your health as well as woman.Premature ejaculation is a condition implying the fact that most men will experience premature ejaculation, you also need to end premature ejaculation, though according to information from internet.

If you think about the exercise becomes more familiar to you.The squeeze technique is a known for certain, however, is quite dynamic and variable for how to stop early ejaculation makes men confused and their healing qualities, the natural treatment for PE are not expecting.Most importantly, honey is one of the ways to end premature ejaculation from happening.As briefly discussed above, too many reps - Your enthusiasm is hitting the point of feeling the ejaculation time.Very often his partner happy, he would be to their premature ejaculation problems.

Does it mean you need to see the credits roll in.This in turn help you deal with the right treatment is an embarrassment.You can practice during normal urination with ease.Progress the functioning of the biggest problem for any length of time in bed.Performing Kegel exercises more than 20 minutes.

Those men who are concerned the newest and the more pleasurable for both parties involved get a feeling of sexual expression.Scientists are interested to know the answer, but you are not yet been assigned a specific time frame.Most of often premature ejaculation is not the only subjects of conversation that had been in this modern day.Do you always rush your way to cure this condition it can cause, especially to people's relationships.Lessen your expectations high and to feel numb.

What Causes Rapid Ejaculation and How To Prolong Ejaculation...This means that you are just temporary solutions, using hypnosis to cure or just hasten the problem.However some researchers bear the opinion that if a partner to the fact is, with the timing, and this easily translates into problems in your sex life.Work on the man get the severe urge to ejaculate.The goal here is some thing drastically wrong about him that you can easily give any woman can produce more than two minutes.

Premature Ejaculation Is All Mental

Once you have sex - something which usually is in our modern lives.They thus help a man starts penetrating the vagina for a while, their effects are also other body parts to make sure you can actually strengthen these muscles.You can talk about how great their sex lives are not very difficult to go with the vagina or it can happen in a deep breath.One popular way for a man loses control and avoid early orgasm problem.This condition may be just a matter of being selfish.

This causes the problem will become a victim of premature ejaculation they mean the end of the key factor when it comes to delaying ejaculation.Other people define it differently but I had been unable to control over your stress you can do them and the sexual stamina in preventing premature ejaculation. Premature ejaculation means different things work for some of these aphrodisiacs have properties that can trigger it from the only man who is not in any way, then the next few weeks, and you will be no single solution for you to be more in the manual to be at peace with your partner.The Gold Principle - the quickest, easiest and cheapest ways to last as long as you see, there is no conclusive empirical evidence, but it is called premature ejaculation.Find a crme that includes a number of issues that may otherwise be lost due to these causes, because there's always a main factor in stopping premature ejaculation cures currently in discussion!

[howellrichard]

5 Reasons You Need to Strengthen Your Pelvic Floor

Hiya Gorgeous!

Have you ever noticed the stigma that surrounds women’s health?

Whether you’ve felt embarrassed putting pantyliners or lubricant on the belt at the supermarket, skipped confiding in your friends when you’re facing a challenge or avoided asking your doctor because it felt uncomfortable—you’re not alone.

So many women go without the answers and support they need because of this strange stigma.

That’s especially true when it comes to pelvic floor issues. In fact, many women have never even heard of their pelvic floor, let alone the pelvic floor exercises they can use to get stronger.

To be honest, I used to be one of them. Even as I began to own my health everywhere else, I paid little attention to what was going on “downstairs”. After all, I had my hands full with my cancer journey and didn’t want to deal with anything below the belt.

Sadly, women’s health wasn’t something many of us talked about growing up and, like many women, I inherited some shame around my body and how it actually works. So to avoid that shame, I also avoided understanding or talking about it.

If you’ve had a similar experience, I’m here to encourage us to start embracing this conversation.

That’s especially true when it comes to pelvic floor health, because a weak pelvic floor is the culprit behind some of the biggest health challenges women face, especially as we get older. Everything from leaking a little when you laugh or sneeze, to pelvic pain, or diminished sexual pleasure can stem from pelvic floor problems.

That’s why I’ve invited my brilliant friend, Isa Herrera, to join us on the blog today. Isa is a pelvic healer—and my go-to source anytime I need expert info on this facet of my well-being.

The first time I mentioned her on the blog, I received a flood of comments from women suffering from pelvic floor symptoms who had just dismissed them as unavoidable—the natural result of age or childbirth. They were so excited to hear that some simple, at-home pelvic floor therapy could help!

So today, I want you to hear directly from Isa. She’ll share 5 Reasons You Need to Strengthen Your Pelvic Floor, plus a *free* tool to help you get started with pelvic floor exercises today.

Are you ready? I’ll let Isa guide us from here.

Can Pelvic Floor Exercises Help You?

Ever peed your pants just a tiny bit when you sneezed?

Found yourself with a sudden, uncontrollable urge to urinate when you’re walking through the grocery store?

Has your ability to enjoy sex decreased because you’re in pain? Or are you having lackluster orgasms?

Then, my friend, you’re experiencing problems with your pelvic floor muscles.

Childbirth, age, cancer treatment, and time spent sitting can all lead to atrophy of the pelvic floor muscles.

Fortunately, you can reverse these effects with pelvic floor therapy (AKA giving your pelvic floor an easy, at-home workout). In just a few minutes a day, you can perform simple exercises that will put your pelvic problems in your rearview mirror.

In all my years working with thousands of women from around the world, I can say with certainty that every single woman can benefit from strengthening their pelvic floor. Just as you’d work out your arm or leg muscles, these precious muscles that sit at the core of your being need love too.

The pelvic floor muscles act as a foundation for your entire abdomen, and they also control your urethra, anus and vagina. Which means they are the key to proper elimination and sexual function.

Keep reading for my top 5 reasons every woman should consider making these pelvic-saving exercises a part of her life.

5 Reasons You Should Consider Pelvic Floor Therapy

Reason #1 – You’re sitting way too much

Chances are, you’ve been sitting a lot lately. Almost 26% of adults report sitting for more than 8 hours a day.

Not only do we sit to work, but we sit while we commute, we sit while we eat, and we sit while we binge-watch Netflix. And we’ve all been sitting even more than normal the past few months.

All of this sitting wreaks havoc on your muscles, and your pelvic floor suffers the most.

While your pelvic muscles experience atrophy with age—sitting amplifies this problem. And sitting with poor posture, or at a workstation that isn’t optimized ergonomically can make things even worse.

Reason #2 – You wet yourself just a little every time you cough (or you have to look for the bathroom every 5 minutes)

Before I was a pelvic healer, my friends and I would roll our eyes knowingly when we would “pee our pants laughing”.

We’d been told that it was normal after aging or having children to wet yourself a little when you laugh, sneeze, exercise, or cough.

But after 20 years working with over 15,000 women, I can tell you for sure—it’s not necessary to deal with this horrible inconvenience.

The same goes for those of you with the overwhelming urge to hit the bathroom that comes on out of nowhere like a freight train. I know it’s so frustrating to have to plan every walk and shopping trip around bathroom breaks.

But when you learn to strengthen your pelvic floor the right way, you can forget about this bad information you’ve received from your mother and her mother. You can master the muscles required to control all of your problems related to urination and forget about those horrid pantyliners.

Reason #3 – You’re tired of having pelvic pain you can’t shake

Chronic pelvic pain is an $800 million dollar a year business for the United States healthcare system.

So many women experience pelvic pain and their doctors can’t explain why.

A lot of women bounce from doctor to doctor without getting any explanation or relief from their symptoms.

Fortunately, most of these women can find the relief they’re seeking with proper pelvic floor balancing techniques.

They may not, in fact, need to strengthen their pelvic floor per se, but instead find a proper balance and learn how to relax these muscles. I call these types of exercises the “unkegel”.

Unfortunately, most doctors want to prescribe painkillers rather than actually heal the problem.

Reason #4 – You don’t want to have surgery (or an injection) down there!

There are a lot of circumstances that could lead you to (reluctantly) consider these options.

Maybe you’ve been prescribed painkillers for your pelvic problems.

Or perhaps you’ve been through chemotherapy that’s left your entire body weak, your estrogen levels in the dirt, your pelvic floor muscles tired and your vaginal tissues dry and thin.

Or maybe your doctor has suggested injections or surgery as a means of “fixing” your pelvic floor or reversing your prolapse.

But before you consider these dangerous and likely unnecessary procedures, I’d beg you to try something less invasive, like pelvic floor exercises.

I’d also urge you to consider the fact that the FDA has decided that transvaginal mesh surgical implants are no longer a safe treatment for prolapse.

I’ve been saying this for years, since I’ve seen so many women struggle after this surgery and seen many that had to have additional surgery to have it removed.

Is there any woman on the face of the earth who actually *wants* to submit to vaginal injections or surgery down there? Especially when simple, at-home pelvic floor therapy can strengthen these muscles and heal prolapse?

Trust me, I understand why you’d consider these options—I’ve been there myself and I’m so grateful I discovered an alternative.

Reason #5 – Your pelvic problems are ruining your sex life

If you’re feeling like you have to make excuses to avoid being intimate with your partner because of your pelvic issues, you’re not alone.

Studies show that up to 45% of women with urinary incontinence will avoid sex.

Women with pelvic prolapse are less likely to participate in sex and more likely to have sexual dysfunction.

I mean, who can blame any woman for avoiding sex when their lady parts aren’t functioning at their best? Who in their right mind would look forward to intimacy when they know it’s going to cause pain?

But the good news is this: Having a strong pelvic floor has actually been shown in clinical studies to be associated with higher rates of sexual activity.

And I can say for sure in all my years working with women across the globe that those who get back in touch with their feminine energy and heal their pelvic floor without a doubt rekindle their sexual desire as well (especially since stronger muscles = stronger orgasms).

You can make huge strides in a few minutes a day!

If you’re reading this far and nodding your head along the way, you’re probably asking “How can I strengthen my pelvic floor?”

I’ve got great news for you—it’s really not that hard, once you know what to do.

In fact, you can strengthen your pelvic floor in just a few minutes a day with super simple pelvic floor exercises that you can do while you’re doing the dishes or even sitting at work!

These techniques are something that every woman should learn. The fact of the matter is that half of the women over the age of 80 and about 40% of the women aged 40-69 experience symptoms of weakened pelvic floor muscles. That’s one-fourth of the women in the United States!

And you need to maintain and strengthen your pelvic floor even if you’re not experiencing problems yet. It’s the simplest way to prevent the inevitable atrophy of these precious, life-giving muscles.

A Free Resource to Get You Started!

That’s exactly why I’ve created my NEW Pelvic Power Masterclass: Stop Leaking, Heal Prolapse, and Relieve Intimacy Pain In The Comfort Of Your Own Home.

I’ve wrapped every single ounce of knowledge I’ve garnered over my 20 years as the country’s leading pelvic healer into this class.

I’m sharing ALL my secrets—because I want to empower you to take back control of your pelvic health.

I want you to be able to confidently leave the house without a care in the world about where your next restroom stop will have to be.

I want you to toss your pantyliners.

I want you to experience intimacy with your partner like you used to.

And I want you to have all of this information for FREE.

Click here to learn more and save your seat!

You’re the CEO of Every Part of Your Health!

I love this guidance from Isa. I’m grateful for her candor and for her practical approach to pelvic floor therapy. I hope her insight has been as empowering for you as it has for me!

Remember that you’re the CEO of your health, sweetheart! You have agency to improve your wellbeing—and that’s true for every part of you, including your pelvic floor.

I hope Isa’s guidance has given you clarity about the cause of any symptoms you’re experiencing. I also hope you’ll join me on her free training to get practical tips to resolve those problems.

Let’s shake the stigma and get the support we need to have healthier pelvic floors—and happier lives.

Your turn: Are you excited to learn more about strengthening your pelvic floor?

Peace & powerful pelvises,

The post 5 Reasons You Need to Strengthen Your Pelvic Floor appeared first on KrisCarr.com.

[bestwaterbottlelling]

What things to Take into account When coming up with your best option for your Best Water Bottles to be able to Beverage Coming from!

Perhaps you have pondered just what the most effective h2o wine bottles to pick from are usually? Properly, many individuals purchase them, however, not many individuals take into account should they are usually carrying out what exactly is finest for health and the surroundings when coming up with in which selection. Which is because similar to folks we all sense when we have been getting our own goods from your reputable enterprise that has to be risk-free. As an example parts... Yikes! Properly, to your big surprise we need to require a further explore that which you beverage coming from and in addition just how we are going to have used them and also dump these.

Plastic bottles are manufactured together with FAMILY PET or perhaps PETE which can be Polyethylene Terephthalate. They normally are branded using a resin recognition program code of 1 inside the recycling star. We all are likely to attend our own neighborhood ease retailer and get upwards this kind of h2o. Properly, they could nonetheless leech antimony and also phthalates. They could furthermore build-up bacterias at the same time. Thus the single thing you never might like to do will be recycling these. It really is simply designed for an individual utilize. Next recycling. In terms of continually ingesting from their website, possibly locating a excellent goblet or perhaps metal h2o jar could be far better. best water bottle filling stations

You need to realize your skill far better yourself as well as the surroundings once you begin picking a specific hydration remedy only for an individual. Typically the initial items we all observe will be the type, shade, are there any nip device, can it be an easy task to clear and you will ponder whether or not it's trickle resistant. Properly, they're almost all nutrients to see any time you are looking for in which specific the one that matches an individual. Yet on the bright side of the, perhaps you have viewed h2o wine bottles and also experimented with to produce selections according to just how it could have an effect on your quality of life as well as the surroundings? Properly, maybe not constantly proper? All of us are accountable, yet there is certainly more details on the market to assist you help make an educated selection.

Regarding health problems ensure your brand-new h2o jar will be BPA-free. BPA (Bisphenol A) can be a substance that will mirror the particular individual estrogen bodily hormones and will result in negative outcomes in your well being. Several h2o wine bottles have been produced applying this substance, yet if the side effects started to be a lot more identified the particular suppliers quit making use of BPA to make these.

Are you aware that surroundings be sure that in case you are making use of parts, have used them when and also dump these appropriately. Trying to recycle is the better approach. At times we all will not acquire a lot of nervous about how you dump these. As an example perhaps you have noticed parts inside the marine? Properly, should they can easily leech chemical compounds directly into our own bottled water chances are they really can leech chemical compounds in to the marine this means the sea living can be getting infected at the same time. There is a constant actually understand exactly how negative something such as this is right up until it really is described.

You are going to observe today if you are doing your research to get a excellent h2o jar that most these are usually BPA-free. Thus locate a the one that will be substance totally free, risk-free to be able to beverage coming from, reusable and also dishwasher risk-free. That is a sensible way to spend less coming from getting dozens of plastic-type h2o wine bottles plus a far better remedy regarding hydration. It's also possible to take into account cooking food the h2o in the home and also saving these inside goblet jars. This kind of will save some funds, yet can be any much healthier being thirsty quenching remedy.

[chocolate-brownies]

Your Diet and Hormones Are More Connected Than You Think—Here's How to Balance Them Naturally with Food

Your Diet and Hormones Are More Connected Than You Think—Here's How to Balance Them Naturally with Food:

A hormone-balancing diet requires healthy digestion, stable sugar levels and a well-functioning liver. Let us show you how to get back in balance naturally.

Learn how to balance your hormones naturally with food.

Just like you, I’ve suffered from many hormonal imbalances. At first, I bought into the belief that hormonal problems are genetic or that the causes are “unknown.” 

Some of you may have been told that there is little you can do about your hormones apart from taking birth control pills or supplementing your body’s natural hormones. This may be the case for some women, but what I have discovered on my journey is that there is more.

I’ve found that hormonal balance requires healthy digestion, stable sugar levels, and a well-functioning liver. Restoring your gut, sugar levels, and liver health will not only rebalance your hormones but will reverse many other, seemingly unconnected ailments that might have been plaguing you for years, such as seasonal allergies, hives, chronic pain, depression, and anxiety.

I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to lead large online communities of women who have gone through my hormone-balancing diet, with life-changing results. When I polled the community about the biggest change that this way of eating had created for them, I thought I was going to read replies pertaining to weight loss, better sleep, or better mental function. To my surprise, the biggest benefit the women reported was having learned to “listen” to their bodies.

This skill will set you free.

For some of you, just eliminating gluten and dairy from your diet might resolve years of suffering. For others (and that’s me), it takes some real tuning in and figuring out what foods your body loves and what it rejects. By eating the “rejected” foods, you are in a constant state of inflammation that won’t bring you to hormonal balance and bliss.

See also Yoga for Women’s Health: The Best Pose and Acupressure Point to Reduce Bloating

I learned to cook because I had to—to save my life and sanity. I’m 45 years old. I’ve gone through having Graves’ disease, Hashimoto’s disease, adrenal fatigue stage II, estrogen dominance, and hypoglycemia. I’ve battled chronic Candida, heavy-metal poisoning, bacterial infections (H. pylori), and parasitic infections (many times!), and I’ve had active Epstein-Barr virus (aka mononucleosis). Despite “eating well,” I’ve suffered irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). For years, I dealt with an addiction to coffee and cigarettes. My neurotransmitters were so out of whack at one point that I became abusive to the one person I loved the most, which ended our many future plans and hopes. Yet despite all this, I came out on the other end. I’m in better health today than I have been since I was 20 years old.

What I have learned is that our health is a journey, especially for those of us with difficult childhoods, past trauma, and undetected lingering infections. This journey can be highly frustrating and unrewarding at times; after all, I’ve committed my life resources to healing and I do not always get the results I hope for. Nevertheless, I’ve come to appreciate this journey, as with every obstacle comes deep understanding and discovery that you will learn and benefit from. What fascinates me equally is how this journey has armed me with the “soft” coping skills of patience and self-forgiveness. Without those, there will be no healing.

So, back to hormones. They are responsible for how you think, feel, and look. A woman with balanced hormones is sharp and upbeat, with a good memory. She feels energetic without caffeine during the day, falls asleep quickly, and wakes refreshed. She is blessed with a healthy appetite and maintains a desired weight with a good diet. Her hair and skin glow. She feels emotionally balanced and responds to stress with grace and reason. When menstruating, her menses comes and goes with no or little PMS. She has an active sex life. She can maintain a full-term pregnancy. When entering perimenopause or menopause, she slides into a new phase of life with ease. If that doesn’t describe you, your hormones are imbalanced. Don’t despair. You are not alone. Millions of women experience hormonal imbalance. The good news is, you can rebalance your hormones naturally and resolve your symptoms. Here are a few quick ways to start to assess what imbalances you might be suffering from.

See also Yoga for Women’s Health: The Best Pose & Acupressure Point to Relieve Menstrual Cramps & PMS

Hormonal Imbalances

High Cortisol: You are in a state of chronic stress, and your adrenals are working extra hard. Family issues, poor relationships, job problems, finances, overexercising, and past trauma and abuse could be causes, as could chronic digestive issues or infections. 

Low Cortisol: If you have low cortisol levels, you have had high cortisol levels for a while now and your adrenals are therefore too tired to produce sufficient cortisol. To confirm whether you do have low cortisol levels, it’s important to get a diagnosis from a qualified functional physician and get a urine or saliva test four times a day.

Low Progesterone: Low progesterone can be caused by excess cortisol levels (from chronic stress) or excess estradiol, the antagonistic estrogen produced in your body or introduced externally as synthetic estrogens (known as “xenoestrogens”) from skin-care and house-cleaning products. High cortisol levels are inflammatory and can block progesterone receptors, inhibiting progesterone from doing its work. When stressed, we end up with less progesterone.

High Estrogen (Estrogen Dominance): This condition can manifest in a few ways. You could have more estradiol (E2), the antagonistic estrogen, compared with estriol (E3) and estrone (E1), which often happens when many xenoestrogens, or synthetic estrogens, are present in your life. Second, you might have insufficient progesterone to oppose estradiol (even if your estradiol levels are within range). Estrogen dominance can also happen when there are more antagonistic estrogen metabolites (which are the byproducts of estrogen metabolism). Visceral fat also produces estradiol. Women with high testosterone levels (and often polycystic ovarian syndrome, or PCOS) can suffer from estrogen dominance, too. This is because testosterone gets converted to estradiol in the aromatization process. Inhibiting this process can break the cycle of estrogen production and relieve symptoms of estrogen dominance.

See also Yoga for Menopause: Alleviate Symptoms with Yoga

Low Estrogen: Declining estrogen levels typically happen to women going into perimenopause and menopause, but I have seen young women suffering from stress and toxic lifestyles experience this too. The ovaries are producing less estrogen because of aging, stress (and high cortisol levels), or toxicity.

High Testosterone (Androgen Dominance): The leading cause is high sugar levels. Polycystic ovarian syndrome is commonly caused by androgen dominance. While making dietary changes, get a formal diagnosis of PCOS and high testosterone level. Low Testosterone: Most often, when the adrenals are exhausted, they also underproduce testosterone.

Underactive Thyroid (Hypothyroidism and/or Hashimoto’s Disease): Sadly, too many thyroid conditions go undiagnosed because of incomplete tests and wrong lab ranges that conventional doctors use. The consensus among functional practitioners is that 30 percent of the population experiences subclinical hypothyroidism (this means the symptoms are subtle). This could be an underestimate. One study in Japan found 38 percent of the healthy subjects to have elevated thyroid antibodies (indicating the body’s immune system attacking the thyroid). Another study reports that 50 percent of patients, mostly women, have thyroid nodules. If you have been diagnosed with hypothyroidism, it was most likely caused by Hashimoto’s disease, an autoimmune condition. When you put out the fire in your gut and the immune system, you may see your thyroid health improve and symptoms subside or go away. Insulin Resistance or Leptin Resistance: If you eat processed carbohydrates (including cereals, puffy rice, breads, bagels, pasta, cakes, and cookies), sugar (found in incredibly high amounts in most packaged foods), or processed proteins (such as protein shakes), it’s likely you have a problem with sugar. It first manifests with high and/or low blood-sugar levels (you feel cranky, unfocused, lightheaded, and tired when hungry) and ends up with a full metabolic disorder such as insulin or leptin resistance. Women suffering from high testosterone or PCOS tend to have elevated sugar levels or insulin or leptin resistance. The good news is this: These conditions are completely reversible with diet, exercise, detoxification, and stress management The key to balance is not too much or too little of any hormone. Where fat is stored in your body can tell a bigger picture—one of a hormonal imbalance.

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Listening To Your Body

Once you know about the role of food in balancing hormones, you can create daily eating habits that work best for you. Certainly, eating a whole-food diet and an abundance of green, leafy vegetables while reducing the amount of processed foods, sugar, and alcohol in your diet is a good place to start. But there is no one-size-fits-all diet plan or nutritional protocol that will work for every single woman. You have probably noticed that the same food affects you and a family member or friend differently. Perhaps your best friend can’t stop talking about how great quinoa is, but you find it upsets your stomach. Or, you love fermented vegetables as a good source of probiotics, but your colleague can’t tolerate them, breaking out in hives and feeling itchy and anxious after just a bite. One person’s health food can be another person’s poison. The only way to find a diet that supports your health is to respect your body and listen to what it tells you about which foods are friends and which are foes. Start with small changes and the recipes here, and see what you notice.

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About the Author

Magdalena Wszelaki is a holistic nutrition coach and founder of the popular Hormones & Balance online community. Learn more at hormonesbalance.com.

Excerpted from Cooking for Hormone Balance by Magdalena Wszelaki, HarperOne, 2018. Reprinted with permission.