Oh my GOD oh my for okay though that new fic you wrote with Carmy? 12/10 chefs kiss mwah mwah MWAH!! 💕💕💕 That part with Carmy going ballistic and beating the shit out of that asshole customer I LOVED it!! Now it’s got me thinking of Carmen going absolutely feral, just insane if he’s in the kitchen cooking and calling orders, while you’re out front taking orders from customers. He and the rest of the kitchen just go silent and stop in their tracks when they hear a guy just screaming at the top of his lungs at you, using the absolute most vile words against you and Carmen just sees red, especially if whoever it is ups and yells something along the lines of “You stupid fucking whore-“ and Carmen’s just a blur as he POUNCES on this guy. (Richie’s either cheering him on or trying with all his strength to claw Carmen off before he straight up kills the guy)
Office Doors
Oooh you guys are spoiling me rotten with these requests…I love a good feral fic every once in a while and this one was..well you'll know what i'm talking about once you've read it ;) I haven't written Carmen in a day and I miss him already, school has been up my ass so if you have sent me a request, don't worry it's being written, and re-written and-. Thank you anon for getting my gears going and your lovely messages 🥰🥺 ur support means the world
warnings: swearing, objectification and misogyny, angst, oral (f recieving), smut, thigh riding (?), porn with plot, feral!carmen
carmen berzatto x reader!
(This is totally and completely canon btw)
You stretch your body across the diner tables, dipping a dirty cloth into lukewarm soapy water before rinsing it out. The lunch rush had just slowed to a even pace, the sound of Carmen yelling out dishes from his line finally quieting down.
You have just a little time to spare, and you spent that time quickly wiping down the Beef’s tables that had begun to accumulate a few too many stains and unfinished crumbs of bread.
You had grown up in a home that was always messy, all the time. And no matter how much times you had asked, and no matter how much times you had just done the chores themselves, the clutter of dirty dishes and old wet clothes in the laundry had permanently been embedded into your family home.
It’s partially why you had loved the sterile laboratory of you culinary kitchens. Clutter caused your skin to itch with anxiety, it made you feel dirty, and with the way you scrub the diner tables a little too hard you wonder if it's another one of the many joy’s your family had given you.
And whilst the Beef was so different from your environment back in culinary school, it wasn’t necessarily worse. In fact, you had grown to fall in love with the quirks of the kitchen, the ‘fuck you carmen’ napkin holder, the too small walkway, the framed pictures of beloved regulars and the staff’s families. Most of all, however, was the family you had built here, the kind you couldn't find working under a domineering CDC.
The kind that had always been waiting for you, been planted deep into the earth like roots.
Besides, you and Carmen had bonded together during the late nights after most of the family had gone home. Were you both were left, scrubbing the floor together in a rhythmic silence that seemed to be more therapeutic than work.
You’ve nearly finished wiping down the last of the stools perched against the counter top of the front when a loud guffawing causes you to break your trance-like state.
Jovial yelling breaks into the rarely quiet restaurant as the door swings open, and a stream of rowdy men dressed in pullovers and fleece jackets, with scarves and basketball hats of distinct sport team colours wrapped around their necks.
One man is fully decked out, sporting the jersey and beanie of what seemed to be a hockey team. The boom of his voice indicates he was the loudest too, unaware of the grumble of patrons around the restaurant that had grown annoyed at the man's violent rambling.
You breath out a sigh, finishing off wiping down the bar stools and putting the bucket of dirty water under the front counter. Before ironing out any creases in your apron and preparing yourself for the absolute headache this would cause.
They were a familiar bunch, usually coming in after games late after the dinner rush. It seemed there was a game during the early morning, as they grumble about not having anything to eat the entire day.
Their loud and annoying and swear too much and Carmen hates the way one of them looks at you but they order a shit ton of food and fuck if the bear needs money, what can you say.
Your eyes glance at a cup of coffee Richie had accidently left under the register, and you suddenly crave your afternoon pick me up well after the afternoon. The men begin walking up to the register, ignoring your polite greeting and going straight into listing off items from the menu as if you were a machine. You nod along all the words they were saying, and soon enough you give up on writing it down as they’ve practically ordered the entire menu safe for a few appetiser's.
“Make it quick, yeah? We’re bloody starving '' One of the men calls out from his seated position in one of the booths and you give them a tight lipped smile, resisting the urge to throw that coffee mug at him.
Carmen peeks his head from the entryway leading to the kitchen, his unruly ashy blonde curls falling to the sides as he shares a look with you, as if to say ‘you alright? And you nod in that unspoken way the two of you have and tell him that you can handle it. Working in a kitchen didn't have to teach you how to deal with assholes, you had your family to thank for that one again.
You hear the familiar sound of Carmen shouting out orders, and the sizzle of pans and boiling pots increase in order to push out the lengthy order before more foot traffic would pour in.
You’re trying to fix the register when it happens, something gets caught in the old janky machine, causing the cash drawer to get stuck as you have to hit its sides at a certain angle to get it to open up again. Years and Carmen refuses to get it fixed, or buy a new one all together, resorting to having it taped up and banged every couple hours to get it working again.
You almost don’t see him, until he is leaning against the counter, into the space between the cash register and you, a greasy smile pulling at his features and he watches you. You bite back a grimace at the way his eyes trail down your apron, fixated on the dip of skin that peeks from the top of your shirt.
“Something you need Sir?” You ask politely, taking a tentative step back, your hand gripping the edge of the counter.
The man smiles strangely at your comment, cocking his head to the side before replying suggestively
“I definitely want something”
You cough, biting back your knee-jerk response to hurl at him, you can feel the burn of embarrassment against your cheeks and you swallow as you try to reply with a steady response.
“You’re food will be out in a short-while-”
“You know, I think I’ve seen you around here, are you new to town?” The man tries to strike up a conversation
“Came here a few years ago and haven’t left since” You reply with a tight smile
“Ah! I know where you're from exactly now” The man replies with a grin that pulls his face upwards, it's eerie, his smile, like he knows something he shouldn't.
“There’s this porn star online, looks exactly like you, it’s kind of insane” The man replies with a smile that deepens as you stammer
You feel humiliated as you stare back at him, you don’t know what to say, and his eyes continue trailing down your body in a way that makes you feel disgustingly objectified. He’s reduced you to an object for him to gawk at, and you see the way the men behind him jeer and laugh that this is all a play to intimidate you.
You want to run straight home and scrub yourself clean, wash away the feeling of his imprinted gaze down the drain.
“You think we can recreate one of her videos when you get off work here?” The man replies, a glint in his eyes.
“What? You- you” You stammer and he breaks out into a laugh
“Awh, look at her, fucking shaking. Don’t tell me this is your first time?” The man eggs on to his friends, who have begun laughing and cheering him on.
You grit your teeth, trying to get the words out as you glance towards the kitchen, where was he? He leg twitches in want, wanting to get Carmen, wanting to run from the restaurants, wanting to run from the embarrassment and disgust you felt.
The flashes of Richie and Syd passing by is all you can see, the booming voice of Carmen being too wrapped up in the orders to notice what was happening.
“C'mon, just give me your number” The man presses on, leaning in so that only you can hear “It isn't like I don't know where you work” Before he leans back, muttering a halfhearted kidding under his breath
“You are disgusting” You spit out, trying to sound as confident as you can, and the mans eyebrow twitches, and he cocks his head like he was confused.
“What? I’m doing you a favour here, I'm actually a nice guy you know? Not one of those assholes on the street” The man scoffs, moving closer towards you and you have a feeling the man is waiting for a reason to lunge at you.
“Just, just take your food and your buddies and go alright? There doesn’t have to be a fight or-or” You continue, trying to de-escalate the situation and get him to just leave you the fuck alone.
“Are you fucking kidding me? I’m doing you a fucking favour and now your kicking me out?” The man begins to get heated, and his friends behind him watch on in silence, you can notice other customers begin to look your way, sensing the rising anger filling the room. You slowly step back, looking for something to shield yourself in case he comes at you.
“What, you think because you work you have some- some what, control? I don't think you know how this works doll, you give me your number, and I dump my load in you because your nothing but a stupid fucking whore” The man bellow, it’s so loud that it echoes through the Beef, that it reaches even the kitchen sinks where Manny is washing up.
The man’s face grows red as the veins near his neck begin to pop out, he emphasises the last word, spitting it out like that was all you were.
The restaurant goes silent as the man heaves in exertion, the sound of Carmen shooting out orders is mute now, the slice of steel against bamboo stops, and the bear is fucking quite for the first time since it opened.
Your body is pushed against the wall, near the swinging doors into the Kitchen, and you can see Carmen back to you, he has stopped cutting at his station, and the outline of muscle contracts under his white shirt.
Carmen turns, slowly, he turns to the family, as they all momentarily stop their tasks in shock at what they had just heard. He begins to chuckle a little to himself, as he replies in a quiet voice you and the man can still hear.
“What did he just say?”
“Did he really say that? Did he really?” Carmen laughs to himself, nodding and gripping his hands into tight fists as the restaurant air gets thin. The man who had been screaming at you looks towards Carmen in confused fear, not knowing why this man was laughing and yet understanding he had completely fucked up.
The rest of the patrons can hear Carmen’s words, eyes widening, as they realise they were about to be collateral to a very one sided beat down. The crew looked at Carmen in silence, they had been used to Carmen's hot-headed temper, his bursts of anger that was more passion than rage. But this? This quiet silence of Carmen’s words, the way his chest heaves as you glances at your frightened position against the wall? They genuinely feared what he would do next, a silent rage like no other begins to envelop the restaurant, the air thin and suffocating as Carmen begins to walk through the kitchen and into the front counter.
“Don’t call an ambulance this time” Carmen mutters to Richie as he passes him by, Carmen’s eyes are fixed on you, trailing down your body before fixating on the shake of your hands. Carmen knows you well, and it’s the clench of your throat, like you're suffocating, like you can’t breath that snaps something in Carmen.
A malevolence Carmen has never felt spills into his gut, the burn of anger spreading against his chest until hes practically shaking with it, he is filled with this heart ache, like his heart is split in two and gushing as he realises his been cutting fucking chives whilst you nearly died.
And something predatory fills Carmen, like he must prove to himself he can protect you, and in one swift move, like muscle memory etched into his bones, Carmen jumps over the front counter and swings his fist in one clean motion, knocking the man across the room.
The man’s body crumbles as he slams into the hardwood floor of the Beef, the immediate groan of twisted pain and pleads leave the man's mouth and Carmen is just so sick of his goddamn voice.
It all went quiet then, the noise of Sydney yelling, of his friends, of the man’s heaving wet coughs, the air conditioner, all white noise. Carmen’s hand reaches for his ankle, dragging him back from his crawling escape.
“Oh, no no no, we’re not escaping now are we?” Carmen grunts, his voice lower than it usually is.
Carmen wraps an arm around his throat, holding him there as he brings down his fist across his face. The wet sound of bones crunching into muscle and skin go on forever, bouncing across the room until the throaty heave of the man is all that is left of him. Carmen cannot stop the swing of his fists, something possesses him and as one of the men in hockey colours tries to grab Carmen arm he throws him back into the stack of barstool's piled near the tables. He is facing his back to you again, and you state, fixated on how his body moves to support him, the contracts and outline of his strong back, his large forearms that break bone with a mere swing.
His face swollen beyond recognition, piss and blood leaking from him, eyes bloodshot and awry.
Carmen picks him up by his collar, the smudge of blood dripping down and staining his vest, whispering into his ear as the man’s eyes widen in harrowed fear.
“Apologise”
“..Whatnhn?” The man mumbles, the feel of his tongue swelling up and going numb, Carmen presses a hand against the man's bruised stomach, pushing against the broken bone of his ribs until the Man wails in agony.
“Apologise to her or I swear to god I’m breaking your fucking legs”
The man spits out an apology, but you’re not looking at him, staring transfixed at Carmen, at the way he’s golden curls fall across his eyebrows, at the way his muscles flex against his white shirt, at the way droplets of blood are splattered across the skin of his jaw. Carmen looks towards you, and something dark takes over his cerulean blues, blowing them out.
“Do you accept? Huh honey?”
You nod, letting an exhale out and Carmen tosses the man to a pile on the floor, reaching for your hand and dragging you to the office, you can hear the scatter of shoes as the men drag their friend out of the beef, and the crew looks towards each other in satisfaction, but also in knowing, in knowing they wouldn't dare open those office doors.
The soft glow of the office is a stark difference to the bright light of the front counter, and you have to blink a couple times for your eyes to adjust, and when you do Carmen’s face is inches from you, leaning you against the office doors, his arm above your head.
The soft glow of the office is a stark difference to the bright light of the front counter, and you have to blink a couple times for your eyes to adjust, and when you do Carmen’s face is inches from you, leaning you against the office doors, his arm above your head.
“You didn't- didn’t have to” You mumble, your voice caught in your throat for a different reason.
Carmen looks down at you, shaking his head in amusement
“Don’t lie to me, you enjoyed that more than I did” Carmen whispers, leaning down near your ear, pressing his nose against the curve of your neck.
You let out a breathless sigh, and Carmen groans as he smells that familiar vanilla always hinted on your skin Carmen could smell when you passed by you. Now, now, he can practically taste it right on his tongue.
The truth was, you did enjoy it, despite being non confrontational and cringing every time Richie would show you a fight where the crunch of bone on gravel makes you shudder, you were transfixed by Carmen.
By the way he broke the man to a heaving mess with just his fuckinf fists, those same arms that are edging closer and closer to you, how would they feel between your thighs? The thought wraps itself tight in your belly, and you have to squeeze your thighs for friction.
No one had done that to you, no one had done that for you, and in a strange way it felt nice to be protected. To be wanted, and it causes a need to start building deep within you.
Carmen's eyes fall to you, and his eyebrow twitches as a look of guilt washes over his features.
“I should’ve been there, I- fuck, did he do anything? Let me get a look at you” Carmen replies softly, grabbing your wrists to look for any bruises he feared you had.
“I’m fine, just a little, uhm, shaken up you know? Said some pretty horrible things” You reply, scratching at your neck as your mind replays the way he had reduced you to a thing.
Carmen shakes his head, his teeth grinding as he grips his fists, his biceps flexing.
“You shouldn’t have to deal with that, deal with people like fucking him, I swear to god if I find him on the street I’m gonna-“
“Gonna what? Finish off the job? There is always going to be guys like him, that isn’t going to change, and it’s something I have to deal with. But what I can’t deal with is if you get yourself thrown into a jail cell because of-of me” You reply, shaking your head and Carmen looks at you like he’s in love.
Gripping a hand to your chin, Carmen raises it so that you catch the burn of his cerulean blues as you can see.
“And That would be an honourable death for me” Carmen mutters, and you can’t take your eyes off him, until you're gripping his blood stain shirt tight against your chest until the suppression groans leaving his mouth are kissed into your neck.
You want him, want to taste him on your tongue, want to feel his weight against it.
“Fuckin come here” Carmen groans out, reaching to wrap his hand around your jaw as he presses his lips against your own. The muffled of your moans escape your lips and Carmen slips his tongue between them.
His pillowy soft lips wrap around your own, his nose bumping into your cheek as he wraps an arm around your back, pushing you against the office doors. It’s all teeth and tongue, the clash of teeth and muffled groans leaving the both of you.
The suppression of both your desires falling between you two until you don’t stop to come up for air.
It’s addicting the way he kisses you, and you have to grip his shoulder as an anchor as he begins to trail his lips down your neck, sucking and nibbling at the skin there before dipping down to your clavicle.
You let out a moan as he blows cold air against the dip of your breasts, and Carmen looks down at you, his eyes heavy as he watches the way you shiver, waiting for him to give you what you want.
Carmen rips open your shirt, his eyes trailing across the curve and dip of your breasts, he mutters something under his breath, something like “beautiful” as his finger trailing the lace before unclipping it and tossing it behind him.
Carmen cups one of your breasts, circling your nipple before wrapping his lips around it and sucking, you arch your back to him, and he follows it until he rests and your hip, squeezing the skin there as his eyes roll back at the taste of you.
“Please..” You groan out, your eyes watching the way Carmen pressing soft circles into your skin, he looks up at you in confusion, the hint of a smile curving at his lips.
“Please what?” Carmen replies, sucking bruises beneath your tits, drawing it out on purpose, having too much fun watching you suffer.
“Nmfha” You mumble incoherently when Carmen flicks his tongue around your nipple, whilst squeezing the other in his cold hands.
“I can’t hear you, what do you want?” Carmen replies with a hint of a moan, he’s having trouble himself, bucking his hips up into you as he watches the way you shake from his lips
“Wanna feel you Carm, wanna taste you” You groan out with a moan, Carmen grunts at your response, his eyes growing dark and heavy, and in one swift move, he hoist you up and swipes the coffee mugs and papers left scattered across his desk before placing you on the edge.
You spread your thighs, making room for him and he steps between them.
“You wanna feel me sweet girl? You want me to take care of you? Please let me take care of you” Carmen pleads, rutting up against you as he tries to suppress the want pressing tight against his jeans.
“Carm” you groan out as Carmen tugs your jeans down leaving you in your lace underwear that Carmen grinds his jaw at, you don’t realise it but Carmen blue apron is discarded somewhere in the room, and as he carries you towards the coach you tug at his white shirt.
He rips it off him in one move, and you drag your fingers across the deep of defined muscle that flexes under your touch.
Carmen moves your thighs so that you're pushed towards the edge of the couch, and he kneels between you, pressing a soft kiss to your knee, before trailing up your thighs. Carmen had been teasing you before but now there is a frantic eagerness in the way he touches you, like if he doesn’t taste you on his tongue he might combust.
Carmen hooks a finger into your underwear,pulling them down until you were bare for him. Carmen’s eyes glisten as he states at you, naked under him and sweating. God the image imprints in his mind and he wishes he can stay here forever.
Carmen presses a soft kiss to the inside of your thigh, and your thighs shake in need, Carmen flicks his eyes up to you, and keeps eye contact, as he licks one long strip across your folds, closing his eyes and he groans at the taste of you. You contort you back at the pleasure the waves through you, eyes rolling back at the pressure of his tongue sucking your clit.
“Fucking- taste so” Carmen mumbles, before dipping his tongue between your folds, dragging it up and down, the sound of your heightened moans ripping through him.
Dipping his tongue in your hole, Carmen pushes a finger between your thighs, presses soft circles around your clit as his tongue works your folds. Your thighs shake around the curls of his head and he pushes a hand down at your stomach to stop you from moving, making you take every wave of pleasure he pulls from you.
“Carm, please, they’re going to hear us” You groan out, and Carmen shakes his head, causing his tongue to drive deeper into you, before looking up at you,
“Let them”
Carmen stretches you out with his tongue, pushing it into you and out until your heaving, his thumb is pressed against your clit, and he pushes a finger into you before sucking onto your bud.
You begin to see flashes of stars, as he thrusts a finger into your hole whilst sucking you, he scissors you open, curving his finger in a way that hits a particular spot that has you raising your hips, trying to pull yourself off of him, the white hot burn of pleasure getting too much.
“There baby? Right there?” Carmen groans out, thrusting his finger to hit that spot over and over
Carmen grips your hips, pushing you down, deeper, harder onto his mouth and fingers, pressing a second digit into you as he curves it to pull that sweet moan from your lips.
Carmen had many names, but his favourite was the broken syllabus of his own between your lips when you fell apart on his tongue.
“S’ close, so close Carmy, please” You babble out, before resigning yourself to the burn of pleasure the feels like fucking nirvana, it’s all around you, Carmen, this pleasure, it’s all you can taste.
“I know baby, I know, I’m going to take care of you okay, sweet girl?” Carmen groans, thrusting his hips into the floor, searching for friction as he watches the way your eyes roll back.
Carmen laps at your core, pushing the digits deeper, curving them upwards until you were screaming, he pushes your face down to look at him, he wants to see your face as you fall apart, and the coil that has begun to wrap itself tight snaps when he nibbles at your over sensitive clit and you see the way his dark eyes watch you, his eyebrows furrowed and your slick coats his chin.
You can’t feel anything but the white hot pleasure that rocks through you, you aren’t in your body, floating away in the pure saccharine pleasure of Carmen’s tongue and he laps at the pleasure dripping between your folds.
You mumble incoherent words, the only thing leaving your lips is Carmen’s name as you babble, spit dripping from your open mouth as you're left in a heap, Carmen leaving you dumb.
Carmen works you through your release, licking and sucking at your sweet slick that he gathers on his tongue. You see the way he thrusts into the carpet, trying to find friction as the scene in front of him becomes too much.
The thought splits something within you, seeing how Carmen got off to getting you off was out of this world, causing the pleasure to start building in your core again.
You drag Carmen up to meet your lips, and then push his tongue between your lips, causing you to taste him on your tongue. Carmen pushes his finger between his lips, sucking on the shine of slick coated there, his eyes heavy as he watches the way you grind your hips against him.
He pushes his digits into your mouth, groaning at the way you suck on them eagerly. You push him to lean his back against the coach, before manoeuvring your hips to straddle him.
You rock your hips against his jeans, feeling the way the indent pushes and bumps against your core, Carmen throws his head back, his curls falling over his forehead and he grabs your hips, pushing you deeper, down down down until he is thrusting up into you.
You grip his shoulders raising your hips before pulling his jeans and boxers down in one swift motion. Carmen forces himself to look down at you, his gaze watching the way you tug at his length, swiping a thumb across the red tip, dragging pre cum down the thick girth of him.
Carmen groans out, gripping your hips tight, and you raise up, lining yourself perfectly before sinking down on him.
Carmen’s groans are beautiful, rumbling from his chests as he squeezes his eyes shut, you fit so perfectly around him, the heat and warmth and slick of you wrapped tight around his cock. His length is thick and girth, and you have to adjust to his size, moaning at the way he fills you up just right.
As you begin to move, Carmen presses a hand, begging for you to wait
“Just, one second, fuck you feel so good I might cum from one thrust”
“Who says this is a one time thing?” You reply with a wicked smile, and Carmen groans loud at that.
You raise your hips, dragging your self on him before sliding down, your grind against him and he heaves in the pleasure of your tightness around him.
It had been so long, and the feeling of you is almost too much.
You struggle to raise your hips high enough, and Carmen wraps his hands tight around your hips before raising you himself, driving himself up into you and thrusting hard.
This new angle allows him to go deeper, and you meet his upward thrusts, groaning out as he fucks you dumb. You look gorgeous above him, the way your tits bounce with every thrust up has him hard all over again.
“Just like that baby girl, keep going, doing so fucking well, my baby” Carmen groans out, and you begin to shake at the combination of his praise the the feeling of his cock driving into you impossibly deep.
You want to make him feel good and you say this to him, causing his eyes to roll back when you squeeze yourself around him, hard, until his thrusts have to drive into you even harder.
The coach freaks loudly from Carmen’s pace, and he slams you down, positioning his cock deep into you, causing you to press half circles into your shoulder, scratching at his biceps and gripping the nape of his hair that causes him to rumble out your moaned name.
You can feel him getting close, his thrust growing sloppy and deep, you tighten around him, and his eyes are in a trance, watching the way you fit around him so perfectly.
Carmen moves to fold himself upright against you, and your eyes roll back to your head as you feel yourself climb up a familiar peak.
Carmen presses a hard kiss against your lips as you groan out, and as he slips a hand into your conjoined bodies, circling your clit you have to shove your fist into your hand to stop from screaming.
The feel of Carmen’s length driving into you and the sound of his ragged moans, mixed with the over stimulation against your clit, you can’t help but fall apart around his cock.
You squeeze yourself tight around Carmen, and he cries out, his thrusts growing slow as he joins you over the cliff, his cock thrusting up into you with spasms. His cheeks are a blush red, his tongue poking out as he follows both of your orgasms.
You fall against his chest, exhausted, pressing your cheek so that it rested against the hard muscle of his pecs. You swallow back a breath, gripping your hand around Carmen’s, as he brings it up to place a soft kiss.
Your thighs are still shaking from stimulation, and Carmen caresses a hand across them, rubbing soft circles and you lay across his chest.
You stay like this for a moment, basking in the bliss of pleasure and sex and the soft curves and dips of your bodies.
After a bit, Carmen has to slip his out cock from your thighs, eyes fixated on the way your ecstasy mixed with his one drips down your thighs.
“Fucking gorgeous” Carmen replies, and you look up at him in surprise
“What? You don’t think I'll find you gorgeous after this?” Carmen smiles down at your flustered state, he brushes back the sweat and tears dripping down your cheeks.
“That was..you are. Well fuck, Carmen, why didn’t this happen sooner?” You reply, he manoeuvres you so that your legs lay across his thighs.
“Yeah, uh, we’ll I’ve got a whole bucket of shit you don’t want dragging you down” Carmen replies scratching his neck, suddenly more shy as he lay his heart bare to you.
“Yeah, we’ll you gave me no choice when you practically murdered that man” You reply, biting back a smile, as you press soft circles around his thumb.
“Should’ve fucking murdered him…”
“What happens now?” Carmen replies, looking at you nervous that this was you just scratching an itch, because he was head over heels in love with you and he would never recover
“God Carmen, you didn’t realise I’m in love with you already?” You reply with a smile, “Practically the entire restaurant does”
Carmen looks up at you in wonder, his eyebrows furrowing as your words hit him hard. You loved him? You loved him. He wants you to repeat it a hundred times, he wants to hear your tongue say those words to him again.
“You are incomparable” Carmen mutters under his breath, before wrapping you tight against his chest, pressing a kiss that feels different now, less crazed and rushed and fueled by heated passion. It was new, it felt like a start of something.
“You think they’re okay out there?” You reply with a start.
“Hell no” Carmen replies, and you can’t help but laugh as you push your head through a shirt Carmen had passed to you.
You and Carm may have just confessed your love to one another, but you still had a goddamn restaurant to run.
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little do you know
pairing: taeyong x (f) reader
genre/warnings: smut, angst, bffs to fwb to lovers, cheating, unprotected sex (don’t be silly, wrap your willy!)
summary: After three years away from Miami, Taeyong is finally ready to return to the city. He left a world behind here, but most importantly, he left you. And being invited on a friendly get-together trip to a beach resort gives him a little too much time to resume unfinished business between you both.
word count: 14.9k
a/n: loosely inspired by don’t make it harder on me by chloe x halle. as always, feedback is appreciated!
Your heart beat for Jung Jaehyun.
That was what you told yourself, over and over again. You wanted to convince yourself that at some point, you would believe it. After all, how could you not? He was everything any woman could have dreamed of in a man. Handsome, sensual, humorous and vulnerable.
But he wasn’t Taeyong.
Darn Taeyong. He left you. For good reason, but that was no excuse for you to linger around. Especially not when you were in a commited relationship with his friend.
The moment you made it to your room after checking into the seaside resort, you immediately flopped onto the bed. A very large chunk of you wanted to draw away and hide, but you knew better. And an even larger chunk of you wanted to see Taeyong.
Three years. That was how long you’d waited. If you were being honest, your heart couldn’t take anymore. You missed your best friend.
Jaehyun came out of the bathroom, half-naked, one might add, and had a good laugh at the sight of you sulking on the bed. “Rise and shine, sleepyhead. We have a long day ahead of us.”
You made a noise of protest and wrapped your arms around one of the pillows tightly. You had little to no problem sharing a bed with Jaehyun. As expected, given you were a couple, though you slept in your own more often than not.
Even though you had been together for nearly three years, Jaehyun hadn’t moved in with you or vice versa. It would seem that you and Jaehyun were very compatible. For one, both of you made your preference to take things slow very clear. Neither of you had been in a rush to move in with each other. Regardless, you’d slept in the same bed before, because you were comfortable. But you knew you weren’t ready for the next step, and Jaehyun never pushed you, because frankly, neither was he.
Deep in your heart, you knew Jaehyun was more like a good friend to you than a lover.
You heaved out a breath. “Do I have to?”
“Yes. Everyone will be expecting you. This is one of those rare moments where everyone will be together in one place. Do you know how hard it is to get Ten to stop moving?” Jaehyun joked, moving over to the bed to separate you from the pillow, much to your discontent.
But you didn’t argue, because he was right and you knew it. You gave a wistful smile. Aging came with a vicious price, and for your friends, time was the luxury you couldn’t afford. Each of you had lives of your own, but no matter where you were, your friendship still stood strong.
“Fine,” you grumbled, rolling out of bed and fishing through your suitcase. It contained a week’s worth of clothes - including swimsuits.
Jaehyun snickered and slithered back into the bathroom to give you some privacy. In spite of the many, many times you'd seen each other naked.
You threw on a bikini and styled yourself a little. Definitely not to impress anyone. Then, you heaved a sigh and let Jaehyun know that you were ready. Maybe even he could tell that you were far from.
The entire elevator ride downstairs, you could feel your heart pound faster as you watched the numbers drop, indicating what floor you were on. It dinged and opened once you arrived at your destination, and Jaehyun held your hand in his, leading you outside.
The sweet gesture made it a little easier to breathe, but you were still uneasy. What the hell were you even so scared of? It wasn’t like Taeyong had completely ghosted the hell out of you. The distance made it harder to keep in contact, but he made every effort to talk to you. You were still best friends and no amount of miles between you would change that.
You just couldn’t get him out of your mind, no matter how hard you tried. No matter how much time had passed, you couldn’t forget the way it felt to be by his side, and you longed to feel that way again.
No, you hissed to yourself. Taeyong is just your friend. Jaehyun is your boyfriend. You love him.
And you truly did. But not the way you loved Taeyong. A love like that was irreplicable.
The moon was on display in the evening sky, bright and full. It mirrored in the water. Strings of neon lights irradiated the beach for miles. There was a large pool squarely between the ocean and the resort and an array of chairs stretched across the sand underneath your feet.
You were walking towards the group of people surrounding a bonfire at the beach, until you heard someone scream from behind you, “Boo!”
Jaehyun jumped, your hand still in his, but you screamed as if you wanted your cries to be heard from the opposite end of the ocean. Behind you, the culprit was no other than Rosé.
Rosé pointed her finger and laughed. “Works like a charm every time.”
You rolled your eyes and pulled her in for a hug. “What happened to saying ‘hi,’ or ‘hello,’” you complained, patting her back.
She pouted. “I’m sorry, guys.” Then, released you promptly once she’d had her fill to give Jaehyun a turn.
“What are your plans for the week?” Jaehyun asked, smiling sheepishly.
“Just checking in with my friends and family. As you would expect,” Rosé replied in her familiar aussie accent. Then, she turned to you. “Speaking of which, Taeyong is looking for you.”
You blinked. “Really?”
“Absolutely. He’s over there, all sullen and morose. You should go talk to him.”
Turning to take a peek, you spotted Taeyong by his lonesome at the water. He stood there, simply staring into the distance. Very much sullen and morose.
Because of me. You bade the thought away with a tiny shake of your head.
“Will you be okay?” you asked, shifting your glance to Jaehyun.
Jaehyun didn’t tie you down. “Go. He’s your best friend and it’s been three years. Besides, Rosé and I have a lot to catch up on anyways.”
Rosé gave you an encouraging nod. You gave her one final hug and your boyfriend a brief kiss to cheek before they sent you off. And you blew out a heavy breath as you marched his way.
It was no secret that when Taeyong left, your relationship - or lack thereof - was on shaky ground. Neither of you ever explained what was happening between you, but even a blind man could tell you were sleeping with each other.
You had wanted more, but Taeyong loathed labels and despised commitment. Frankly, you couldn’t blame him. He watched his parents' marriage crumble before his eyes. He gave his heart to someone and they shattered it into pieces. That was why you never bothered to try to make him yours. You feared rejection like it haunted you every night in your nightmares.
Foolishly, you had believed the feelings would eventually fade in his absence. But they only grew. No matter who tried to take his place in your heart.
You slipped beside Taeyong with heavy breath. The air was fresh, but it hardly touched your lungs. He could see your reflection in the water, and turned around to face you before you could get a word in. “Hey.”
“Hi,” you croaked, chiding your heart to calm herself down.
Taeyong smiled. You saw his eyes twinkle in the moonlight. “Long time no see.”
“Relax. I’ve seen you perfectly fine over FaceTime,” you joked.
Taeyong rolled his eyes, but smiled and said, “You know it’s not the same. Come here.”
You immediately crashed into his arms like you couldn’t bear the wait any longer. He was right - it wasn’t the same. You missed the way his embrace warmed you to the core. Taeyong's arms were always where you felt safest. As if no harm could reach you as long as he was there.
Peering up against his chest, you finally got a good look at him. Was it possible that he looked even better than the last time you saw him three years ago?
Moonlight nuzzled his skin, making him look even more breathtaking. Its beam lit his sharp features and blond hair. The last time you'd seen it in person, it was black with blue streaks. Keeping Taeyong away from his dye was a Sisyphean task.
Taeyong - arms in a loop around your waist - asked, “You know what else is different?”
“What?”
“I couldn't do this.”
He offered little to no preparation before you were being tickled mercilessly, sent into a fit of involuntary giggling. Given most of your body was exposed, you were ultimately rendered helpless against his nimble fingers.
Fighting your way out of his clasp was mission impossible. Taeyong always had ample strength over you, biceps taut with muscle. You could only arduously plead for him to stop, but to no avail, nearly on the verge of tears of laughter.
Taeyong heaved a pleased sigh and smirked. Needlessly to say, he missed this. “What’s the magic word?”
“Please,” you rasped, fighting for breath. And freedom.
“What’s that?” Taeyong mocked, molding his features as if he sincerely misheard you. “I can’t hear you. You’re laughing too hard.”
Louder, you begged, “Please!”
Taeyong dithered, but ultimately released you from his clutches. You heaved for breath, laughter fading into a smile on your lips as your ribs tensed with every inhale. Playfulness had always been an element of Taeyong’s nature, under the layer of his sober demeanor. Old habits die hard, you thought, melancholy.
“Too much?” Taeyong asked.
You shook your head, beaming. “I’m fine. Just out of breath.”
Taeyong snickered. Of course, you were. Leave it to him to milk your lungs - and stamina - for all that they were worth.
Taeyong gave you a once-over. With your body so close to his, he couldn’t ignore the way your warmth felt against his bare flesh. And promptly, his eyes fell on your figure. You were still beautiful. Some people deteriorated with age, but never you. It was like you could only become more gorgeous as the days passed.
You looked the same, but still so different all at once. Perhaps most notably was your eyes. They gleamed, a little sadder than before. He couldn’t help but think that that was because of him.
Then his eyes fell lower. The bikini you wore complemented your frame a little too goddamn well. Once upon a time, he owned your body. He recalled all those times he made you scream his name for the world to hear.
Taeyong swiftly swept those memories away. Like hell he would catch a boner at the beach, which would definitely happen the longer he thought about the way you felt around him. Besides, your body didn’t belong to him anymore. And neither did your heart.
Your heart beat for Jaehyun.
You cleared your throat. “So, uh - how have you been?”
“I can’t complain,” Taeyong replied, nodding his head. “My grandmother is doing a whole lot better than she was three years ago. The meds have been a great help. As you can see, she’s well enough to go without me again.”
“That’s wonderful news.” You always adored Mrs. Lee. The moment you discovered the ailing condition she was in, your heart hurt for her.
Taeyong smiled thinly. “It is. It hurt seeing her like that everyday. I was so scared of losing her.”
You nodded in understanding. Above all, you knew that was Taeyong’s greatest fear in general - losing someone he treasured. He had a heart too big for his body. When he received the call from the hospital about his grandmother, Taeyong didn’t hesitate to travel across the globe to take care of her. Even on such short notice.
The entire trajectory of his life changed with one phone call. He had to drop everything to be there for her. The life he had made for himself here. Even if she didn’t make it, Taeyong knew he had to be there for her in her final moments.
You both respected and understood the rationale behind his abrupt withdrawal - which Taeyong was endlessly grateful for - but watching him leave wounded you like nothing else.
You endeavored to fill the void in his absence. That was where Jaehyun came in. You started seeing each other only a few months after Taeyong left for Seoul and began dating not too long after. You liked Jaehyun, but it wasn’t the same. And it wasn’t him; it was you. Regardless of how good a man was to you, none of that mattered if he wasn’t Taeyong.
Desperately did you want to forget about Taeyong and the way he made you feel. It would have been no use waiting around for him in the first place. He would never let you in. He never did.
None of that ever happened. When Jaehyun made love to you, you thought of Taeyong. The way his calloused hands felt on your body. How he strung you to orgasm time after time without fail. When Jaehyun took you out on dates, you imagined it was Taeyong spoiling you. You couldn’t shake the thought of him; couldn’t shake the feelings you had for your best friend.
They said time was the best healer, but you were still head over heels in love with a boy that was too scared to love you back.
“I missed you, Taeyong,” you admitted in a soft voice.
Taeyong avoided your eyes, facing the ocean. You did, too. “I missed you, too. It wasn’t easy, you know. Leaving. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t you dare apologize for doing what you needed to do,” you chastised. “I understand. We would have all done the same thing if we were you. Don’t sweat it.”
“Thank you. I needed to hear that.”
You nudged his side a little. “What are best friends for?”
That stung like hell. What if he told you that he wanted more than that?
The two of you talked for a little on the shore, feet dug in the wet sand. You watched the moon wallow in the glistening waters. It served as a rough reminder to you. The way it felt when your body was in one place with one man, but your heart was across the pacific ocean with another.
Above all, you wished he would have never stolen it from you.
It became too much after a while and Taeyong made an excuse about neglecting the rest of friends to avoid spending further one-on-one time with you. No one interrupted. Unsurprisingly. The two of you had been closer than ever. They knew better.
You were a bit hurt, but more so relieved. You felt like you couldn’t breathe next to Taeyong. Joining the rest of your friends felt like a breath of fresh air.
The ten of you gathered around the bonfire, chatting and catching up. Taeyong wasn't the only one that had come from abroad. Lisa was visiting from Thailand, Rosé had returned from New Zealand, and Ten was… everywhere. A successful career in modeling would do that to you.
Miami was the heart of your friendship. It was where you had met and where you would always meet again. Most of you were from different places, but it would always be a special spot for your group of friends. And no matter where you were, as long as you were together, you were home.
After a while, you slipped away to grab a drink from the bar hut. From the distance, you could see Taeyong laughing.
You had gotten so used to loving him from afar. Even when he wasn’t across the ocean, he was still a world away.
Rosé stole a seat at the barstool beside you, following your gaze. “You missed him, huh?”
For a brief second, your head snapped in her direction. You would never forget what a great friend she was. Easy to confide in, capable of garnering all your secrets in her palm. But this was different. “Of course. I missed you all,” you replied, deliberately straying away from the narrow path she was leading you down.
Rosé gave you an unconvinced look. “Uh huh. And it has nothing to do with the two of you sleeping with each other?”
You were borderline affronted she would even ask you that. You glanced away. “That didn’t mean anything. We were just a pair of horny fucks. Taeyong didn’t want anything serious anyways.”
“But did you?”
You bristled. Curse her. Even in high school, she could always see dead through you. “No,” you lied through your teeth. “Besides, it wouldn’t matter if I did. That was three years ago. I have Jaehyun now.”
“Love has no expiration date,” Rosé told you, unsparing. You sensed no foul intentions from her, but something about it made you dangerously uneasy. “Some people spend their whole lives hopelessly in love with the same person.”
Your brows furrowed. That’s odd, you thought to yourself. Why was she hell-bent on trying to convince you to admit you had feelings for Taeyong?
Maybe it was nothing. You and Rosé went way back, as did the rest of the group. There wasn’t a mean bone in her body.
You’re just overthinking it, you reasoned. Taeyong coming back has you overwhelmed with emotions.
“I guess,” you said half-heartedly, downing another shot. You’d be damned if you somehow managed to get through the night sober.
Rosé discerned that you wouldn’t give an inch and stood to her feet, smiling and patting your back gently before she left to regroup with the others. You followed suit.
For the rest of the evening, you tried your best to stick close to your boyfriend. And away from Taeyong. More than anything, you needed a distraction. The closer you were to him, the more thoughts of your best friend ran rampant in your mind.
You wanted to forgo every thought of him, but it was significantly easier said than done. It was like everything stopped then suddenly hit you all at once now that he had returned, and you didn’t know how to cope.
Alcohol had the opposite of the intended effect. You were hyper focused on every tiny detail, noticing even the most mundane things about him. You could have paid your bills with your raw love for Taeyong, but under the influence, it was worth its weight in gold.
“I’m tired,” you whispered to Jaehyun, patting his arm. “I’m going back to the room. Come back when you’re ready.”
Jaehyun nodded and gave you a swift kiss to the cheek. “Don’t wait up.”
You smiled, bid mostly everyone goodnight, and went on your way. Strangely enough, Taeyong had disappeared in the millisecond that you’d glanced away.
You wrapped a towel around your body. When you were finally inside of the resort, you were relieved by the warm indoor air. It wasn’t exactly true that you were tired, but you needed a breather. Another second and it was guaranteed that you would lose whatever bit of mind you still had.
Ironically, when the elevator opened, Taeyong glanced up from his phone and faced you. He cocked a brow. “And where do you think you’re sneaking off to?”
“Upstairs,” you stammered, and promptly scolding yourself for doing so. “I’m spent and decided to call it a night.”
Taeyong bobbed his head and wondered if he had anything to do with it. You weren’t subtle in the slightest earlier, sneaking glances at him. Sneaking wasn’t an apt term.
“Would it be weird if I walked you to your room?”
You swallowed thickly. You had made so many memories with Taeyong in a single lifetime that every tiny thing reminded you of him. You remembered those days when he would walk you home, especially at night. Like hell he would let you walk home by yourself after dark.
Every now and then in high school, he would walk you to and from class, and to your front doorstep after school. You would chat incessantly in the meantime, squeezing as much conversation between classes as possible.
Everyone knew you were best friends. To see you two in the halls together, it was merely just another day. On more than one occasion, your teachers would ask you where he was on the days that you came to class alone.
You heard your name being called and reeled out of your musing.
“Sorry. I spaced out,” you said, flushing. “What did you say?”
“I said - would it be weird if I walked you to your room?”
“Of course not,” you replied, swallowing once more. You wanted to chide yourself for your lack of self-control. When it came to Taeyong, you just couldn’t say no.
Taeyong smiled. He let you inside the elevator and moved his hand out of the way so that it would finally close. You punched in your floor number and let the elevator lift you there.
He slipped his hands into his pockets. “How’s Neon?”
Neon was your pet cat. She was an adorable fat gray cat with vibrantly orange eyes. And the love of your life. After Taeyong, of course. “She’s living the life. Eating a lot, as usual. Ten’s friend Yangyang is cat-sitting her as well as Leon and Louis.”
Taeyong snickered. “Oh boy. He’s in for one hell of a ride.”
“You bet,” you chortled. “I’m expecting a call demanding we pick them up early any moment now. You know how those three get when they’re together.”
The elevator chimed and opened and Taeyong let you out. “Ladies first,” he said with a smile, all gentleman-like. “And I’m assuming they’re chaotic as ever.”
“You assume correctly,” you replied, wishing you had your phone. “Yangyang’s totally chill, though. He takes their tomfoolery in stride and even sends us pictures. They toppled over a Cheerios box and somehow Neon wore it on her head.”
“I just got a mental picture of that and it’s absolutely hilarious.”
You laughed.
Now you were thinking about who Taeyong saw when he came home. You already knew the answer, but you still asked, “I know you’ve been taking care of your grandmother, but have you not been seeing anyone since you left?”
“Nope. I never had the time or energy to invest.”
“But you have it now.”
“I guess I do,” Taeyong replied with a shrug. “But it won’t change much. It’s too late.”
Your brows furrowed. “What do you mean, it’s too late?”
Rosé had told you that love had no expiration date. Now Taeyong had said he was too late. Did Taeyong love someone?
Your heart was shedding tears of blood.
Taeyong offered you a harmless smile but didn’t elaborate very much. You had already arrived at your hotel room. “I’ll tell you someday. I promise,” he swore. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, Taeyong.”
Taeyong did a one-eighty and began to walk in the direction he had come. Your eyes followed him, stinging. It always hurt to watch him leave.
It hurt him to walk away. Little did you know, he had spent every day thinking about you. What could have been. When the news broke out about your relationship with Jaehyun shortly after his departure, Taeyong wanted to be happy for you, but nothing but pain and regret and longing plagued his chest.
The worst part was that he had nobody to blame but himself. He dithered too long and let another man take his place. It was unfair for him to expect you to sit around and stay. Even when he was by your side, you were still waiting for him to decide when he would be ready to let somebody inside his heart again.
Coward, Taeyong scolded himself. He wanted to love you, but he was too scared and too selfish. Every time, he chose himself over you. And now that you had chosen someone else over him too, he would have to live with that.
You both would.
You took a shower and crawled into bed. Jaehyun was beside you when you woke in the afternoon, sleeping like a rock. You took a picture for the group chat and had a good laugh while you still could, knowing he would inevitably seek vengeance. At least somebody was going to milk the absolute hell out of this vacation.
you: good morning
haechan: it’s 2pm
you: not for this guy
you: [one attachment]
ten: oh you are so, so wrong
jennie: sleeping beauty?
johnny: that’s the beast
mark: lmfaoooo
lisa laughed at “that’s the beast”
rosé: wipe the corners of his mouth plz
taeyong: he’s gonna be so mad when he sees this
you: teehee
you: beach day?
“Sleep with one eye open,” Jaehyun warned lightheartedly when you both arrived back at the beach.
You giggled. No matter what age, you and your friends would always love a great prank. The war was officially on.
Looking around for the others, your eyes fell on Taeyong. And Lord have mercy, he was mouthwatering. Had he found the time to work out? Light sheened his sun-kissed skin, dancing on his abs and shoulders. It was no wonder why you started sleeping with this man.
You saw another woman approach him and immediately frowned. As expected, it was no other than Jennie. Let there be no misunderstanding, neither of you had any bad blood or ill feeling. You simply had a lot of common interests.
And the greatest common denominator was Taeyong.
Your heart sprained in your chest viciously, taut with envy. A girl as beautiful as Jennie got everything and everyone she ever wanted. She always did. Except for Taeyong. But maybe now he would fall for her charms.
His words rang in your head. It’s too late. You didn’t know what he meant by that and it was killing you.
Taeyong glanced in your direction and your gaze instantly shifted elsewhere. You could not do this for another six days.
Time passed in a blur. You had fun and pushed him into the back of your head. Mark, Haechan and Johnny decided it would be fun to spray you and Jaehyun with water guns, which culminated in one huge water gun battle.
By the end of it, you were drenched. You draped yourself in a towel whilst the gang slowly disintegrated until only you and Taeyong remained.
Dammit, you hissed when you noticed him approaching you. Where the hell did everybody go?
From the staid look on his face, you had a feeling you would not be fond of whatever he was preparing to say. “We need to talk,” Taeyong said, humorless and stony-faced.
Your eyes flickered. “Now?”
“How much longer do you want to pretend that everything is peachy between us?” Taeyong asked you unsparingly. Which made you flinch. You weren’t used to him being so stern. “I keep seeing you look at me, and I know you see me looking at you. Why are we holding back?”
Because all I know how to do is pretend, you thought somberly. But even you got tired of playing make-believe.
Taeyong softened and asked, “Walk the shore with me?”
Finding no protest, you agreed. There was a chance this would abate your misery. Or intensify it. There was no in between.
You abandoned your towel at one of the beach chairs and began to walk side by side with Taeyong. For a while, it was quiet. The silence only pervaded your chest with dread.
Little did you know, Taeyong was at war with himself. His heart was on one side, but his mind was on the other, and he teetered between them both with every passing second. He opened his mouth to ask, “Do you remember what happened before I left?”
It was impossible to forget. Before he left, before he got the call. You broke things off, explaining that you didn’t want to sleep with him anymore. Taeyong panicked. He wondered what he had done wrong. But it wasn’t his fault - it was yours.
You winced your eyes shut. Everything had been too deep, too intimate, and you hadn’t known how to handle yourself. Every time you were with him, you were on the verge of doing or saying something you would regret.
Things became a little strained, and for the first time, awkward. You had no time to fix it before he was taking the next flight to Seoul.
You eventually got over it by simply never addressing what went wrong. But there was a sneaking question still gnawing at his heart.
You heaved a sigh. “We already resolved this, Taeyong.”
“No, we didn’t. We ignored the problem. As usual,” Taeyong corrected. You bit your lip, but didn’t argue. No argument could be made. “You never told me why.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“I know that,” Taeyong replied, brusque. “But that’s not an answer.”
You fought a nervous laugh. How were you supposed to explain that the reason you stopped sleeping with him was because it made you fall for him even more?
Taeyong pressed, “Was it because you had feelings for Jaehyun?”
You blinked. He was so hot but so cold all at once.
It would have been the easier answer. You could have lied and easily gave him all the closure he needed then and there. “No,” you said instead, honest. “I had no romantic interest in him at the time.”
That allowed Taeyong to breathe easier, but he was still adamant. “Then, why?”
Your pulse quickened. You felt like you were being put on the spot. Every gear in your brain grinded against asphalt to a complete halt.
You contemplated straying from the truth, but you had lived a lie long enough. Taeyong would surely be able to sense you were bluffing. “Because I wanted more,” you whispered, your voice barely above the rushing shore. “And I knew that you didn’t.”
Taeyong stopped dead in his tracks, footsteps coming to an end as he riveted in place. He spluttered, “What?”
“I can’t do this,” you said, shaking your head. It was your turn to be a coward and run. 
Taeyong called after you and began to pursue you, but you had an advantage. You were barefooted. It was not easy to run in the sand while wearing flip-flops.
You hid somewhere along the shore, sinking your feet into the water. Tears stung your eyes, the only reason you noticed they were trickling warmly down your cheeks. How could you love someone that didn’t love you so intensely?
It wasn’t fair. Your heart was ripped to tatters and yet he had no idea of your pain. Three years and the wound was still fresh, dampened by your salty tears. It stung like nothing else.
You remembered how it felt to be underneath Taeyong. How hard it was to look into his eyes. Nevertheless, he would demand you made eye contact with him. And you would obey, because when you were aroused, Taeyong owned every piece of you.
You feared how much control he had over you in that state. Not only your body, but your mind. You knew that whatever you said or did under his spell and in his trance went beyond conscious control but couldn’t be taken back. And whenever Taeyong strung you to climax, you wanted to profess your love for him at the very top of your lungs.
A noise sounded from behind you, and you whirled around to be met face to face with Taeyong. “I followed your footsteps,” he explained. You nodded with a sigh and turned back around. Taeyong slipped beside you and asked, “Why are you crying?”
“I’m not.”
Taeyong fought a roll of his eyes and wiped your cheeks with his thumb. “Tell me what’s wrong,” he whispered, tender. “So I can make it better.”
“You can’t make it better,” you whimpered, shutting your eyes. It’s too late. You almost said those words, but you caught yourself when you remembered where you’d heard them before.
Taeyong studied you. His eyes were warm, gentle. Why was he looking at you like that? Like you had spawned the earth with your bare hands.
“Do you…,” Taeyong hesitated, turning melancholy. “Do you still want me?”
“Taeyong…”
He coaxed, “Tell me the truth.”
“What if I do?” you snapped. “What if it’s my boyfriend’s friend that I’ve wanted this entire time? Then what?”
Taeyong enveloped your lips in a kiss and your fears promptly vanished. For a moment, you were stunned, but you kissed him back because your body had already been so accustomed to the way his lips felt on yours.
You melted into his touch. It was definitely wrong, but it felt right. Every rational thought subsided with your fear and you subconsciously strung your fingers through his hair, running on instinct. Memories worked against you. You recalled all those times you made out with your best friend, under the sun or in the moonlight or in the comfort of his bedroom.
Tasting him on your tongue, you remember exactly how much you liked kissing Taeyong. He always kissed you like there was no tomorrow, holding you tight and sucking harshly on your tongue.
Taeyong pulled away, rasping, and said, “I just kissed my friend’s girlfriend. I guess we’re both in hot water.”
Your heart exploded with a million emotions. For the love of Christ, he had just kissed you in public. Fortunately, there was nobody around when you looked. He was so stupid, but you loved his stupid little face.
“You’re crazy,” you replied, stepping away to put some distance between you both.
Taeyong snickered. “I owe it all to you.”
Fuck. What were you doing? You were a taken woman. As much as you wanted to, you didn’t feel very guilty.
You felt aroused.
It was impossible to kiss Taeyong and not become aroused all at once. For him, it was like second nature to turn you on. A nibble here and a growl there and you were sold.
Frightened by your own lack of self-restraint, you ran again. You didn’t know what all would happen if you stayed and you didn’t want to find out, either.
Instead of chasing you again, Taeyong watched you and chuckled because he knew why you were running this time, and you were a mess. What was he thinking - kissing you? He was out of his goddamn mind, but he was out of his goddamn mind in love with you.
You rushed into your hotel room and didn’t breathe until your back was squarely against the door. It was safe to say that you were positively doomed.
Traces of Jaehyun remained scattered around the room, but he was nowhere to be found. You remembered that he mentioned he would be having lunch with Johnny and Rosé.
That only allowed for more time for you to think about Taeyong. Your body burned with arousal. You were content to feel him simply because it was him, but it helped that he was good at what he did. His touch lingered on your body and you savored the taste of his tongue on yours, craving it all over again.
But you snapped out of your trance and halted. You had been so caught up in the pleasure of Taeyong kissing you that you hardly realized the weight of that action. Did that mean Taeyong wanted you, too?
And for your heart, or for your body?
Meanwhile Taeyong was still standing by the ocean, thoughts of you plaguing his mind. He wanted to kiss you again so badly. He wished you would break up with Jaehyun and realize you were meant for him.
He wasn’t scared anymore. He wasn’t the boy that ran away. It took him some time, but he knew now that he wanted you more than anything. And he was ready to risk it all to get you.
You spent the rest of the day crammed in your room, afraid you would run into Taeyong and do something stupid. Jaehyun came back eventually and fell asleep beside you. You had officially survived two of seven days, though barely. Tomorrow might have been your breaking point.
A little after two in the morning, you woke to use the bathroom. When you came back, you noticed your phone screen lit with a text message.
From Taeyong. It read, You up?
You hesitated, but ultimately typed back a response. Barely. What’s up?
The typing bubble popped up at the bottom of the screen and you watched and waited for him to type a response. Meet me in the lobby in 10?
That was dangerous. You glanced up from your phone, looking at your boyfriend. Jaehyun was dead asleep. For certain he could sleep through a natural disaster.
Give me 5, you replied. Temptation got the best of you.
Bet.
You washed your face, slipped on your shoes, then crept out the door, careful not to wake Jaehyun. You made a beeline for the elevator.
Waiting for you in the lobby stood no other than the love of your life. Literally. For as long as you could remember, you loved Taeyong.
You saw his face before you even saw his face. Those images had been bouncing around in your brain for the entire day, asserting dominance and assuring you that they were there to stay. You were perpetually doomed.
You raised your brow when you saw him, a ball of energy. Much unlike you, but seeing him gave you your second wind. “You do realize that it’s two in the morning, right?”
“Jet lag,” Taeyong explained, amused. “Miami is fourteen hours behind Seoul.”
Like you weren’t convinced, you added, “Mm-hm. And running around in the sun didn’t exhaust you for a day?”
Taeyong lifted his arms in surrender. “You caught me,” he said, before briefly changing the subject. He couldn’t sleep because every time he closed his eyes, he saw you. Thoughts of you kept him up at night more often than not. “Wanna go somewhere special?”
“Like what?” you asked curiously. Come to think of it, you had hardly left the hotel since you arrived.
Taeyong said nothing, merely smirking with mischief and leading you to the parking lot with your fingers between his.
Oh, god. Taeyong was nothing if not trouble.
A brief car ride consisting of both of you singing horribly and off-key to whatever song blared on the radio brought you to a very familiar place. One you hadn’t been to since the beginning of college.
Taeyong opened the door for you and led you to a chained fence. Obviously, you could not go through it. Meaning you would have to climb over it.
“Ladies first,” Taeyong insisted, wanting to be on this side in case you needed help climbing over.
“This is literally trespassing.”
Taeyong countered smartly, “It’s not trespassing unless you get caught.”
“If I go to jail…,” you hissed.
Taeyong didn’t flinch. “Relax. Don’t you see this pretty face? I’ve talked a lady out of giving me a speeding ticket before.”
“Aren’t you Prince Charming,” you sneered, but moved towards the fence to clamber above. You had done it a million times before. Granted, you were a reckless teenager at the time, but memory was all the skill you needed.
“Watch your step!” Taeyong called out.
You called back, “I know what I’m doing, Taeyong.”
Taeyong snickered. It took everything for you to concentrate on anything that wasn’t the sound of his laughter so that you wouldn’t trip and get a concussion.
The moment you were safely on the other end, Taeyong followed after you, skillfully climbing over the fence like he had done a number of times in the distant past.
“I still got it,” he said unabashedly once he was beside you again.
“You’re a grown adult man.”
Taeyong argued, “I’m a boy wonder.”
You shook your head. Sometimes you couldn’t believe that this was the man you loved with your whole mind, heart and soul.
Soon enough, you were at the edge of a building, sitting comfortably on the rooftop and watching the city buzz with life even at the late hour. Miami never slept. Many things changed, but that fact wasn’t one of them.
A shroud of darkness swept over the town, combated by glimmering lights in sky-scraping structures. Cars honked faintly in the distance, a sign of life. You smiled at the familiarity. Once upon a time, you and Taeyong would sneak off to this exact place, a safe haven from your crazy lives.
Though you found that any place you were together was a refuge. As long as you had each other, you were safe.
“Taeyong,” you called, cutting through the silence.
“Hm?”
“Why did you kiss me?”
Your voice dripped with emotion. He met your eyes, and they were sad. You had been asking yourself that question the entire day, but to no avail.
“Because…” Taeyong hesitated. “Because I’ve been waiting to kiss you again for the past three years.”
Your eyes flickered. You had no idea he felt that way, and you were in a bit of denial. How could he go from being scared shitless of the thought of love to being in love with you?
There was a tug at your heart, but you tried your best to ignore it. You decided to put him to the test. “Do you want back what we had?”
“No,” Taeyong replied, honest. His eyes were big and doe-like. “You were wrong earlier. I did want more. I still do.”
You swallowed harshly. He wanted more this whole time, but had been running away from you. Like you were armed and dangerous. Little did he know, his warmth and tenderness disarmed you completely. You were weak and defenseless. “I don’t want to be just sex to you,” you said, voice barely above a whisper.
But Taeyong heard you, lurching and asking, “Is that what you thought you were?”
“What else was I supposed to think?” you asked, shrugging and blinking away tears. You weren’t strong enough for this. That was why you had derailed this conversation for so long. You knew full well it would break you.
Taeyong was full of regret. “Would you believe me if I said I’ve wanted you my whole life?”
You blinked. Your heart felt so heavy in your chest. All these years of longing for Taeyong’s heart, only to find that you already had it. It was too much.
“I was just too scared. The wound was still fresh. I was in a dark place and somehow convinced myself that the whole world was against me. If I let you in, you had my heart at your disposal, and that was too much for me. The last time I let someone that close, they broke me.”
“I would never do that to you, Taeyong,” you whispered sincerely, reaching for his hand. “You have to trust me. Your heart is precious to me.”
“I just wish I would have known that before,” Taeyong blew out a sigh, wistful. “It took me almost losing my grandmother to realize that before anything else, I’m afraid of lost. I didn’t want to lose you. But then you got with Jaehyun…”
You finished, “And you felt like you’d already lost me.”
Taeyong nodded. “I was too late. That was what I meant the other day. I thought your heart already belonged to somebody else and I started to think that maybe I never really had a chance.”
The past three years had been hard on Taeyong. He tried to make sense of his life, to pull together any explanation so that he could better rationalize it, even if it wasn’t true.
He was overwhelmed. All of these emotions were resurfacing, banding together against him and slapping him across the face. It felt like being jolted awake by a bucket of cold water. Nostalgia ran its course with him, but so did regret. And the pining and love for you that made his chest swell hotly. He was angry with himself. For being such a big baby, for not noticing that you had wanted him, too.
“Taeyong…” you called out.
Taeyong shook his head and stood to his feet, pacing around the rooftop. “This is all my fault. If I would have never been such a coward, if I would have just told you how I felt from the beginning, none of this would have happened. You wouldn’t have tried to fill the void with Jaehyun.”
“You can’t keep blaming yourself for this,” you said gently, following him. “I made that decision. I didn’t know how to cope without you and so I did something really, really stupid.”
“But you wouldn’t have made it if it wasn’t for me,” Taeyong said, too out of it and too in his head. He was crumbling before your eyes. Torn asunder and ruptured beyond reclaim.
Frustrated, you ran a hand through your hair and called his name again. “You don’t know that. I ended our friends with benefits relationship, remember? I would have done anything to distract myself from my feelings for you.”
To no avail. Taeyong wanted to crawl back inside his shell and hide. This world was too big and he felt as if he had no place in it. Not for any good reason, at least.
What good was he? He broke your heart, because he was too scared of you breaking his.
And you wound up breaking each other.
As a last resort, you leaned on your toes and pressed your lips to his. Just like that, he was at ease again. You yelped when Taeyong hauled you into his arms and pressed you against the nearest wall, kissing you fiercely as if you’d stirred up a monster inside him. It was wide awake and ready to raise hell.
For a moment, you both forgot about the rest of the world. You forgot about Jaehyun. He forgot that you weren’t his. It was just the two of you, two true lovers making out beneath the moonlight, making up for the time you’d lost when you could have been together.
Nothing else mattered. You were content to simply be in each other’s arms.
Taeyong dug you into the wall harder, resting all of his weight on you. It felt like the wind was knocked out of you, but you could hardly breathe before then. Taeyong took your breath away and left you begging for more.
You moaned into his mouth, pleased as you threaded your fingers through his hair. Taeyong was bent on making a mess of you, reducing you to nothing but love and lust. Warmth coursed through your bodies, scorching hot flares of heat and energy.
You pulled away first this time, eager to catch your breath. And Taeyong simply stared at you like he had never seen anything or anyone more beautiful, sated.
“None of this is your fault, Taeyong,” you reassured him, your voice breathy for obvious reasons. “We’ll figure something out.”
Now, Taeyong was convinced. As long as you had him and he had you, everything would work out. Love would always find a way.
Taeyong already knew the answer, but he needed to hear you say it. Like it would quell all his worries once and for all. “Do you love him?”
“I love Jay,” you replied solemnly. “But I’m in love with you.”
That was all Taeyong needed to hear before he was sweeping you into his arms again, smashing his lips to yours.
You continued to make noises, little groans and growls on his end and a plethora of tiny smothered moans on yours. And god, were they hot as hell. They brought back memories of when you two would fuck until you had depleted every last bit of your stamina.
It got to the point where Taeyong had to pull away from you, half-hard and afraid of getting too turned on. When you two were together - and alone - it was very, very dangerous.
“Mm, we can’t,” Taeyong hummed, calling time-out. “I’m definitely a piece of shit, but I’m not that much of a piece of shit.”
You sighed. He was right. This was going too far too fast. You needed to breathe and slow down.
Easier said than done. You obviously couldn’t control yourselves around each other.
“Let’s regroup tomorrow,” you suggested. “Today technically, but you know what I mean.”
Taeyong snickered. “Yeah. I know what you mean.”
The two of you ditched the rooftop and climbed back over the fence, though in no particular rush to get back to his car. You wanted to stay. You wanted to spend every moment of your life with Taeyong, but things were, needless to say, complicated. Life simply didn’t work in your favor.
Much to your dismay, Jaehyun was wide awake when you came back to your joint room. You felt like a deer caught in headlights when you met his perturbed eyes.
“Where have you been?” Jaehyun asked. There was no hostility in his voice; only consternation.
You felt no need to lie. Jaehyun may have been your boyfriend, but he was also your friend. No matter what it came down to, you would never betray his trust by lying to his face. “I was with Taeyong.”
Jaehyun cocked a brow. “At four in the morning?”
You blinked. You hadn’t realized that it had been that long.
Jaehyun added, “You didn’t pick up your phone. I was worried.”
“I haven't checked it. I’m sorry for worrying you,” you said, approaching him and wrapping your arms around his neck. He was sitting at the edge of the bed. “I didn’t want to wake you. You looked so peaceful.”
“It’s okay,” Jaehyun murmured, voice half-muffled into the crook of your neck. “Just don’t do it again.”
You chuckled, but for the first time, you felt ashamed. Jaehyun didn’t deserve you. He deserved better. A tear nearly slipped down your cheek, but you fought it back with everything you had. You had no right to cry.
Never did you want to love Taeyong. Love was not a choice. If you could have taken your heart back from his clutches, you would have. But your heart was under tyranny. Love was too powerful. Every beat was for him and him alone.
Anger presented itself as spasms of heat in your chest, completely directed at yourself. Why couldn’t you love Jaehyun? That would have made everything a hell of a lot easier. He had never wronged you as your friend or as your boyfriend. He took you on romantic dates and he sang to you to cheer you up after a long day and he was always there to show you love.
Jaehyun is a great guy, you thought. But he’s not the guy for me.
You knew what you needed to do. Jaehyun might have resented you for ruining what was seemingly a perfectly healthy and happy relationship, especially with no warning, but you couldn’t keep his heart chained away any longer. Somewhere in this world, you knew there was a girl for him that could love him in all the ways you couldn’t.
As you drifted back to sleep that night, there was a weight on your chest. Before this trip was over, you needed to find the strength to break Jaehyun’s heart.
Little did you know, Jaehyun sat thoughtfully awake as you slept beside him, already aware that this relationship was bound to end for some time.
The third day was eventful and a breath of fresh air. You had girl time with the ladies and left the guys to fend for themselves.
You pressed a kiss to the corner of Jaehyun’s lips then looked amongst the string of guys beside him and said, “Be good. Don’t blow anything up.”
The guys laughed. Most of them.
Ten winked and said, “No promises.” He, Mark, Haechan, and Johnny looked full of mischief.
When your eyes met Taeyong’s, he was watching you. You stepped away from Jaehyun and cleared your throat.
“Have a good time,” Jaehyun told you.
You forced a smile. “You, too.”
It was a relief when you managed to escape. For the entire day, you were for once able to shake the thoughts of Taeyong and the rack and ruin of your relationship with Jaehyun.
A spa day with the girls was exactly what you needed to palliate your sadness. And a fun couple of hours of spending way too much money at the shopping center. You wore a constant smile on your face. It reminded you of old times. It would be a while before all of you could gather together like this again, and you wanted to make every minute count.
No boy business. Although, you were very intrigued about their love lives. Grown women had crushes, too.
Eventually, you all went for dinner and drinks at a nice pub, laughing over a meal and reminiscing fondly.
“I need to slow down,” you said, shaking your head once you caught notice of how many drinks you’d chugged.
Lisa snickered. “Yeah, you do. Just in case you accidentally trip into a chocolate fountain again.”
Rosé and Jennie laughed.
You rolled your eyes. “I was nineteen and blackout drunk. Give me some credit.”
You were the laughing stock of the group, but only for a couple of days, because everyone moved on when Mark did something three times more funny and embarrassing. That was how the cycle went in your group.
That night wasn’t all that bad. Taeyong had a laugh at your expense for sure, but he helped you clean yourself up. And when he thought nobody was looking, kissed some of the chocolate off of the corner of your lips.
Don’t you dare go there. You aren’t supposed to be thinking about Taeyong, you scolded yourself.
“Remember that time we caught you and Taeyong practically fucking in the pool?” Rosé asked, heavily amused by the memory.
You flushed. And wanted to sink into the ground. Ever since you started hooking up, it had been hard for you and Taeyong to keep it in your pants around each other. Especially when alcohol was involved.
Lisa grimaced in disgust. “Ugh. I wanted to gouge my eyes out.”
“And they had the audacity to think nobody knew they were hooking up,” Jennie said, shaking your head. “Speaking of which - how was it?”
“I have a boyfriend. I am not going to think about another man’s penis,” you retorted, but it was too late for you. You were thinking about another man’s penis. And god, Taeyong always felt nice and snug inside you.
Not to mention, he was skilled with more than just his dick. The amount of times he had made you cum with his mouth or on his fingers was ungodly.
Jennie begged, “Please? I’ve wanted to jump his bones my whole life.”
Lisa laughed in surprise. “Jesus.”
“Fine,” you grumbled, displeased. “He’s good. To say the least.”
Jennie was unimpressed. “Well, duh. You kept coming back to him for some reason.”
The girls chortled.
She continued, “How big is it? Does it have a little curve? Does it lean or does it hang? Is it trimmed?”
You waved your hand for a waiter. “Check, please!”
Way too drunk, the four of you called an Uber. On the way home, Lisa started talking about a girl she’d met at the beach that was totally trying to get in her pants. Lisa, ever a tease, was delaying the inevitable.
You all laughed and prayed for that poor girl. She was in for a ride. Though Lisa definitely wanted her back, that much was clear. Otherwise she would have never spared her a second of time.
Jaehyun was in the room when you got there, evidently no less drunk than you. And when Jaehyun was drunk, he got touchy. He pulled you into his lap, and you wondered exactly what all those six had done. Jaehyun very rarely made moves on you.
To be frank, you never minded having sex with Jaehyun. It was unforced. You saw him as everything Taeyong should have been to you, but wasn’t. For some reason, things never worked that way. Your feelings and sex were too completely different aspects, but this and your relationship with Taeyong could never have that in common.
Exhausted, you decided not to have sex with him and he didn’t push, but you instead foolishly opened a bottle of wine he’d brought along and chatted incessantly, recounting the days events.
Your heart was sad. When you broke up with him - and you would - you hoped it wouldn’t tarnish the beautiful friendship you had.
It was late when you both finally decided to call it a night. A couple of unread messages sat untouched on your phone screen, but you noticed Taeyong’s first. From two hours ago.
I miss you.
Your heart fluttered. Taeyong was thinking about you.
Guilt made its way into your chest. You felt bad for responding so late. Aside from your little rooftop encounter, you had barely spoken to Taeyong at all today.
Sorry. I’m with Jay. He wants to spend the night with me, you replied. That was very true. Jaehyun had no intention of leaving this room until tomorrow and he didn’t want to be alone. It was a bonus that he enjoyed your company.
The ‘delivered’ noticon changed to ‘read’ almost instantly, like Taeyong had been waiting by his phone. It’s fine. See you tomorrow.
You frowned. You could feel his pain through the phone. It wasn’t your intention to blow him off, but your hands were tied. And every time you were with Taeyong, you felt more and more ashamed of yourself.
Not to mention, you were drunk out of your mind. You didn’t trust yourself to be around Taeyong, but you especially didn’t trust your intoxicated self.
Goodnight, Taeyong.
Taeyong flopped backwards on his bed and sighed. All he wanted was you, but you weren’t his. And a part of him feared that you never would be.
Jaehyun hadn’t been subtle earlier this evening. He left with every intention of getting some, a testament to his insobriety. Taeyong wondered if he was touching you in all the places he once did, if you’d given Jaehyun your body like you had given it to him.
He couldn’t stomach it. The thought of you below another man, calling Jaehyun’s name. Fuck, could he even please you the way Taeyong could? Did he know your body the way Taeyong did?
Maybe he truly was replaceable. You made him doubt whether he had ever been good enough for you. What if you decided last-minute that you didn’t want him - that you didn’t love him?
I’m in love with you. That was what you said, but did you mean it? Did you really love him?
A girl had lied to him in the past. He was backstabbed and betrayed. But you weren’t her and she wasn’t you. Taeyong had faith that something more could blossom between the two of you, beyond the skin of friendship.
Taeyong tossed and turned and struggled to fall asleep, staving off his demons. Meanwhile, you were in Jaehyun’s arms, safe and sound.
Taeyong saw you the next day and the day after that, but you barely spoke. A word was exchanged here and there, but you made no move to engage in conversation with him and he found it difficult to steal you away.
His fear was unabating. Had he said something wrong? A day or two ago, you had been seemingly fine. And now it felt more like you were avoiding him.
To make matters worse, he was forced to watch you smile and laugh with Jaehyun. The two of you obviously hadn’t broken up yet. He thought you would have before the trip was over, and there were merely two days left.
A bitter feeling scorched in Taeyong’s chest.
Meanwhile, beneath the facade of a radiant girl in a happy relationship, you were shattering. Time was running out. It felt like the walls were slowly but steadily closing in on you.
You knew you needed to do something, but you had no strength. You were terrified of how Jaehyun would respond. Would he be understanding? Would he resent you for breaking his heart on such short notice and getting with Taeyong even sooner?
Guilt was crippling. You hadn’t felt it before, but it was merciless to you now. Everything was so heat of the moment with Taeyong and a test of your self-control.
A knock from the door made both you and Jaehyun pause your conversation. No one announced themselves, thus you figured it wasn’t the hotel staff. And it was well past midnight.
Jaehyun went to open the door and you followed suit. And your heart promptly sank when you realized who was there.
“Hey,” Taeyong said stiffly, hands in his pockets. He nodded his head in your direction. “I know it’s late, but can I talk to you?”
“Yeah. Sure,” you replied, sliding on your shoes. You were not eager, but you needed to get him away from Jaehyun. Your heart was being rapidly in your chest, twisting with fear.
Taeyong knew it was a foolish idea to show up unannounced, in the middle of the night no less, but his restraint had depleted. He was worn and battered. And he needed his best friend.
You gave Jaehyun a reassuring smile and said, “I’ll be back, babe. Don’t wait up.”
Jaehyun was unperturbed and gave you a little nod, smiling back. “Keep her safe,” he told Taeyong.
Your fragile heart broke. Why did love have to be so complicated?
As soon as Jaehyun was out of earshot, you whispered to Taeyong, “Are you out of your goddamn mind?”
“Yes,” was Taeyong’s wry response.
His lack of somberness made you bristle. “We have to be subtle. You looked mighty suspicious popping up after midnight. Jaehyun is…”
Taeyong interjected bleakly, all of the humor in his tone absent, “You haven’t told him yet.”
You stepped inside his hotel room and blinked. “No. I haven’t.”
Taeyong shut the door behind himself then flopped on his bed with a sigh, patting the spot next to him. You were reluctant, but ultimately took a seat. A storm of emotion raised hell inside your chest. How could he have been so close to you, but so far away?
You looked into his eyes and knew something - if not everything - was wrong. Taeyong wore his heart on his sleeve. He was sensitive and tender. His vulnerability was a blessing and a curse, something he'd come to hate and you'd come to adore.
“Tell me what’s wrong,” you sang, rubbing his arm. “I can’t read your mind, Taeyong. You have to let me in.”
Taeyong decided to be frank. “Have you been avoiding me?”
Your eyes flickered, and you responded by instinct, “I was trying to balance my time. I didn’t want him to become suspicious.”
“That called for a ‘yes’ or a ‘no.’”
You heaved a breath. “Yes, I have been avoiding you.”
Taeyong said nothing. As much as it pained him, he understood. He knew what it was like to be in a relationship with someone, but long for somebody else.
Though that never eased the sting of betrayal. It wounded him like nothing else. It was a scar he would carry for the rest of his life.
“I want you,” Taeyong whispered. Even in the dark room, you could see how his eyes glimmered with sadness. “Every moment I’m away from you, I only want you even more.”
You exhaled, “Taeyong…”
“I’m not finished,” Taeyong said brusquely. “Even when I was with her, I was thinking about you. I was thinking, ‘is this really how love is supposed to be?’ And I wondered if it would be different with you.”
You just listened to the sound of your heart swelling with every passing word.
“I think part of me knew it would be. Because you had already loved me better without being in a relationship with me.”
“I…,” you searched tirelessly for words, but came short of them. “I don’t know what to say.”
Taeyong was swift. “Say you love me.”
“I love you,” you told him sincerely. You lied next to him and made him look you in the eyes. “You know, I tried to move on. That’s why I got with Jaehyun. I thought that with you on the other side of the world, and another man on my hands, I would forget how it felt to love you. But I never did.”
Taeyong leaned in to kiss you, and as much as you wanted to, you couldn’t let him. You jerked away and stood to your feet.
You shook your head, tears threatening to break through the dam. “I can’t do this.”
Taeyong rose after you. “Why can’t you?”
“Because I’m not yours!” you whisper-yelled, trying to be mindful of his most likely resting neighbors. “And you’re not mine!”
“Just let him down gently,” Taeyong sighed.
You bristled. “Do you really think it’s that easy?”
“If you love me, then yes.”
That shredded your heart and filled you with ire altogether, but because you didn’t want to fight, you turned around and chose flight.
Taeyong - hot on your heels - chose to fight. He wanted to fight for you and everything you had together. He incredulously trailed behind you, wanting to put the pieces together again instead of leaving them damaged and broken.
“Where are you going?” he called from behind you, speeding up his pace to match yours.
You continued to stomp away lividly, not turning sparing him a glance. “Away from you,” you replied coldly.
“No, you're not,” Taeyong growled, grabbing your arm and forcing you to look at him. He was fuming, eyes narrowed and his aura the most vicious you'd ever seen. “You can’t run away. You can’t hide from me.”
That was rich. You chuckled sourly. “Oh, but you can?”
“No,” Taeyong snapped harshly. His grip on your arm was firm, but cautious. “Neither of us. If this is going to work, if we’re going to be together, then we need to learn how to face confrontation.”
Breaking loose from his grasp, you shouted, “I wish I didn’t love you!”
Taeyong riveted in place. “You don’t mean that.”
“I do,” you said ruthlessly, trying to prevent your voice from cracking. “Do you think I’ve been miserable for the past three years out of choice? If I could stop loving you, I fucking would!”
“Baby, calm down,” Taeyong whispered, trying to placate you. His eyes scanned the area for onlookers, and though there weren’t many at this hour, there were quite a few.
You didn’t listen, taking steps further away with every step he took closer to you. This was mentally - and emotionally - wearing you down. “Don’t you feel anything? Even a goddamn ounce of guilt?”
“So then, break up!”
Shaking your head, you bitterly accepted that he would never understand. And you made a beeline for one of the doors on his floor, well aware of who was on the other side.
You pounded on the door relentlessly. “Come on, come on,” you chanted to yourself. Any second now, Taeyong would catch up to you. You wished he would leave you alone. You wanted him to get out of your head. You hated that you needed him even though you didn’t want to.
Rosé opened the door with a bemused expression on her face.
You begged her, “Please, let me in and lock the door.”
Rosé didn’t hesitate to sweep you inside, locking the door behind you. She glimpsed outside the blinds, trying to find what in the hell had you so distressed. “What the hell happened?”
“You were right,” you said, collapsing in a mess on the floor. You were giving away, coming apart at the seams. “I loved Taeyong. I still do.”
Rosé was tempted to make a snarky remark about how she already knew, but she understood that wasn’t what you needed. She held her arms wide open for you to crawl into.
You sobbed on her shoulder. You cried until you had no more tears left. Surprisingly, she never judged you. Your friend simply held you in her embrace and gave you a reassuring pat on the back, singing her consoles softly.
You were so overwhelmed. You had no strength against your emotions. They got the best of and vanquished you.
I hate Taeyong, you thought bitterly. No you don’t. You hate the way he makes you feel. You hate that you can’t undo everything you’ve said and done to each other. You hate that no matter what happens, you’ll always love him.
It seemed so simple. If you broke up with Jaehyun, you could finally have the man of your dreams, but at what cost? Being the object of Jaehyun’s acrimony? Your peace of mind?
No matter what option you choose, your heart was at stake.
A little refreshed, you eventually pulled away from Rosé. Though she had no issue with being there for you, she was still curious. “Want to tell me what’s going on?”
You explained everything. How you fell in love with Taeyong a long, long time ago. How you gave away your heart in exchange for sex with him. How you tried to get over him by getting under Jaehyun. How none of it worked, and you came to discover Taeyong had feelings for you, too.
These were secrets you'd kept buried under the surface for years now, and to your surprise, you felt relieved of the burden once they were all out there.
“I’ve spent an eternity pretending. I’m exhausted, Rosie,” you confessed.
Rosé bobbed her head understandingly. “What’s stopping you from breaking up with Jaehyun?”
“It’s not that I want to keep his heart locked away. He deserves someone better than me,” you began, staring at the floor. “I just don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to get with Taeyong and make Jaehyun feel like he never meant anything to me. But I guess I’m just delaying the inevitable.”
Rosé chuckled lightly. “You are. It’s selfish to wait when he could already be trying to move on and find the girl meant for him. And who knows - maybe he already knows this moment is coming sooner or later.”
You blinked. “I guess that’s true.”
“You already told me yourself that you’re tired of pretending. Why pretend, then? What if he’s pretending as well? As long as you’re living a lie, you’ll never move on or know peace.”
You frowned.
“Look. I understand why you’re doing this,” Rosé started, reaching for your hand. “But that doesn’t make it right or healthy. You have to set Jaehyun free.”
Your eyes burned with tears again. “What if he hates me?”
“He won’t,” Rosé told you sternly, as if she knew it for a fact. “Jaehyun is your friend before anything. I think you’d have to slap his mother for him to hate you.”
You chuckled. Jaehyun was a Mama’s boy.
“Do the right thing,” she told you.
“I will,” you sighed. “But can I stay here for the night?”
Rosé nudged you. “Of course. But don’t avoid Taeyong for too long. You need to apologize for what you said.”
You nodded. Tomorrow you would make everything right. You owed it to everyone around you.
Literally. You and Taeyong made quite the commotion earlier. It seemed that raising hell was one of your strengths.
In the morning, you arranged a spot for you and Jaehyun to meet and gave him a call. Last night you texted him last-minute to notify him that you’d be spending the night with Rosé.
It didn’t take a genius to put together what you had in mind, and you didn’t know whether that was a negative or positive thing.
Waiting for Jaehyun made you dangerously antsy. You silently hoped the ocean would sweep you under and swallow you whole, never to be seen again. Last night had given you the final push to do what was necessary, but that made it no simpler a task. You were a bundle of nerves, sweat beading at your forehead.
Thank God, you thought when you saw Jaehyun finally turning the corner. Any longer and you would faint.
“Good morning,” Jaehyun greeted, casting you a curious look.
“Good morning. Your favorite,” you said, handing him a cup of coffee made exactly the way he liked it.
Jaehyun grabbed the cup graciously. “Thank you. You said there’s something you wanted to talk to me about?”
“Um, yeah,” you said, rubbing your neck. “You might want to sit down.”
Jaehyun looked and sounded completely indifferent when he said, “You’re breaking up with me.”
Your eyes flickered with surprise, but you stammered, “Yeah, I… I am. Listen, Jaehyun. You’re a great guy, but I’d be lying if I said my heart wasn’t in a different place.”
“I know.”
“And I know this is sudden, but…,” you trailed off, processing what he had said. “You know?”
It alarmed you that Jaehyun was completely chill. You half expected him to snap at any given moment. “You have always felt more like a friend to me than a girlfriend. I have known for some time that there was something missing in our relationship. It’s not hard to tell that we’re both thinking about different people when we make love to each other.”
Now you were completely confused. “Both?”
Perfectly on cue, no other than Rosé waltzed up to you, smiling innocently. Your jaw nearly hit the floor as you put the pieces together.
All of the signs had been there. In hindsight, given the amount of time the pair spent together, neither of them were exactly subtle. But you were too engrossed in your Taeyong fiasco to notice what was happening squarely under your nose.
You scrambled for words. “You…”
Rosé smiled sheepishly. “Sorry, hon. Don’t be too mad. We did nothing you and Taeyong already haven’t.”
It ended up being you that needed to sit down. You shook your head, in disbelief. You weren’t hurt, but you were in shock. “How?”
“Well, like I said, I already knew something was missing in our relationship. A couple years ago, I started talking to Rosé. We agreed not to let things get too serious until you and I broke up,” Jaehyun explained.
No wonder Rosé had been trying to pry you off of Jaehyun and into Taeyong’s arms. She wanted him for herself. Everything she told you last night was because she already knew that Jaehyun had found another girl and was expecting your relationship to fall apart any moment now.
Love has no expiration date. Some people spend their whole lives hopelessly in love with the same person. Had she been talking about herself?
Figuring you had nothing to add, Jaehyun diplomatically added, “I don’t want this to put a dent in either of our friendships.”
You peered up at him, brow cocked. “Are you kidding? I shouldn’t be this happy that my boyfriend has been talking to my friend behind my back but I am. I was afraid you were going to despise me indefinitely.”
“You aren’t exactly a saint either,” Rosé said lightheartedly.
“I know,” you sighed, then turned back to Jaehyun. “I’m sorry.”
Jaehyun was unbothered and gave you a playful nudge. “Let’s call it even.”
You smiled. With that burden out of the way, you could breathe a little easier. But your eyes grew wide as you remembered you had one more person you needed to talk to.
“Do either of you know where Taeyong is?”
“He’s where you would find any other crabby Cancer,” Rosé replied, totally amused.
You bid Rosé and Jaehyun goodbye and made a beeline for the beach.
Spotting Taeyong took no time at all. He stood at the shore with his feet smothered in the sand. His body faced the ocean, but you could recognize that back anywhere. Your fingernails had become very familiar with it as well.
Abandoning your shoes by a beach chair, you began to chase after him, bare feet roaming hot sand. “Taeyong!”
Taeyong knew the sound of your voice and warmth spread through his chest when he heard it. He turned around, met with the sight of you looking ready to pounce on him.
“Walk the shore with me?” you asked, chest heaving for breath.
His voice was small. “Sure.”
The two of you walked in deafening silence. You nervously wracked your brain, searching for the right words to say. They never came. Your mouth had so much to say last night and now you were running on empty.
Deciding to go with the flow, you inhaled and exhaled. “I broke up with Jaehyun.”
Taeyong stiffened. “How did it go?”
“Very amicably,” you replied, recalling the unbelievable scenario that had taken place merely moments ago. “Apparently, he and Rosé have been talking.”
Seeing as Taeyong had no comment, silence fell over you both again.
“I owe you an apology,” you added a couple moments later.
Taeyong folded his arms over his chest. “I’m waiting.”
Your breath got shaky. “I’m sorry for what I said last night. It was cruel and you didn’t deserve any of that. I love you, Taeyong. That’s all I want to do. And if there’s anything I can do to make it better, let me know.”
“Be mine.”
You slipped your finger through his. “I am yours. Every part of me. My heart beats for you, Taeyong.”
Taeyong couldn’t control himself for another second and leaned over to kiss you. You didn’t hesitate to kiss him back, in front of the whole world, where almost anyone and everyone could see you. Not that either of you seemed to care. You wanted the entire universe to know that you belonged to each other.
Noting that you weren't trying to shy away, Taeyong kissed you even harder. You moaned into his mouth, a noise that drove him positively insane.
Your now-boyfriend was high on the realization that he could now kiss you whenever he wanted, wherever he wanted. You were his, and he would make sure no one ever forgot. It caught you completely off guard when Taeyong attached his lips to your neck, and you sucked in a gasp, numb as his tongue warmed your weak spot.
Taeyong smirked. He still remembered where it was. You used to go through hell and back to cover the marks he left on your neck and collarbone, though now you had nothing to hide.
Before it got too far, you pulled away and said, “Mm, let’s not get banned from the resort. Can I come to your room tonight?”
Taeyong knew what that meant. “You know the way.”
For the rest of the day, you had an indestructible smile on your face. You had made out with Taeyong for all to see before noon, no less - and it was incredible.
And when night fell, surely enough, you were at his door.
Taeyong wasted no time in sweeping you inside, shutting the door and pressing your back into the surface. You gasped, and had a split second to react before he smashed his lips against yours. You combed your fingers through his hair, closing your eyes and letting love and lust aid you.
Your body burned with want. Never had you needed anything so desperately. You wanted Taeyong and you wanted him now.
“Fuck,” you moaned when Taeyong raked his teeth over your neck. “Fuck me.”
You both raced to the bed, shredding each other of your clothes messily. They were a mess in his room when you were finished, not even in a heap on the floor, but carelessly tossed and scattered across his room to never be seen again. The air was chill, but it was a perfect contrast to your bodies, scorching with arousal.
Wanting to see your face while he was inside you, Taeyong made you lay on your back before he fucked you.
Taeyong cursed himself when he realized he had no condoms. Needless to say, he wasn’t expecting at all to fuck his best friend turned girlfriend.
“You don’t need a condom, baby. Just fuck me,” you purred, spreading your legs as if to entice him further.
Your boyfriend was half a second away from becoming a ferocious animal. The mere thought of fucking you full of his cum again was enough to deplete his sanity. “Did you let Jay fuck you raw?” he growled, needing to know.
You shook your head. “Never. Only you.”
Satisfied, Taeyong inched between your parted legs, mouth watering at how eager you were for him and the sight of your wet cunt on display for his eyes alone. He wanted to destroy you, but that was if you didn’t leave him in ruins first.
Taeyong glided his cock to and fro on your folds, coating himself in your arousal. Your teeth clamped onto your bottom lip every time he brushed your clit, sensitive and tender, and at one point you determined the teasing had to be deliberate.
You sucked in a gasp when he finally began to push inside, teeth clamping harder. Any moment now, they would be damp with blood. Your eyes rolled to the back of your skull as soon as you were filled to the core, every inch of him swallowed by your non-loosening cunt. The grip was deathly, as if you refused to let him go. It tore a mean growl out of him that only made you clamp around him even tighter.
Taeyong set a hurried rhythm that made the bed tremble with his movements. He wanted to be slow, wanted to draw it out, but the way you gripped him so warmly and tight said otherwise. His body was on autopilot, driven by impulse and desire.
Every time he thrusted in, you whimpered. You had been counting down the hours until you could finally have him, scrambling for distraction after distraction, and it was so worth it.
“God,” you whimpered, standing at the threshold of insanity.
Taeyong was right behind you. Wherever you went, he was hot on your heels. Under your spell, he would follow you into a ring of fire.
Metaphorically speaking, he was already balls deep inside one.
Heat split you right down the middle. Nothing less than earth-shattering. It was a prominent fact that Taeyong had enjoyed both inflicting and watching you come apart under his heel. You were stranded at the very eye of a pleasure-induced vortex, with no top and no bottom. No start and no finish.
Just never-ending pleasure.
“I missed this,” Taeyong growled, making your breath crawl in your throat. “I missed you.”
You searched tirelessly for the strength to speak. “Me, too,” you croaked.
A sigh of pleasure parted your lips as Taeyong continued to rock inside you. You were in disbelief that you could have ever given this up - given him up. Surely, you had to have been out of your mind.
Taeyong knew your body like nobody else. Every scar, every strength, every weakness - the knowledge lay awake in the palms of his hands. You had been ignorant of how intimate it was until you fell for him, and now it was unignorable. The depths of the power he had over you.
Little did you know, you had the same power over him. His fate lied in your hands. He was vulnerable to you in ways the rest of the world would never see.
In the same way that he owned you, you owned him.
“God, you’re amazing,” Taeyong moaned, every piece of his self-control floating in the ocean somewhere. As was yours.
Tears of pleasure welled in your eyes. You were being reduced to tears. To be under Taeyong again, it felt natural and whole. Like this was how it was meant to be.
Your noises were spiraling out of control. Taeyong made it all too easy to forget that other people existed in this great, huge world. In your mind, it was only you and him.
Taeyong clamped a palm over your mouth and shushed you. “Quiet, baby. You’ll make somebody mad.”
He was making you mad.
You clenched the sheets in your fists to anchor yourself, but even the bed was giving way to his lack of mercy. Your sounds were smothered by his palm, but you were crying out his name and he could tell.
Taeyong proudly watched the sight of you convulsing beneath him, breasts bouncing and your skin beading with glimmering sweat. In the same vein, sweat gathered at his forehead and his chest heaved. You were making a mess of the sheets - making a mess of each other.
“I’m gonna cum,” you warned, pulse speeding as you neared release.
However close you were, Taeyong was likely even closer, and he stuffed a hand between your warm legs, toying with your clit. Your response was instant, legs instinctively trying to close, but Taeyong moved his hand that was clamped over your mouth and gripped your thighs tightly. You watched his biceps seal your movement, taut with muscle.
You could merely squirm, unable to remain still. Taeyong knew exactly which buttons to mash. You were going to fall apart in record time.
“Let go with me,” Taeyong pleaded, endeavoring to coax you into an orgasm. “Please, baby.”
You were so lost, so tangled in his web. Like a fly to a spider. You knew you were doomed then, but you had no room to desire actual release; only the kind that set your soul free.
And a billion emotions with it.
Your bodies moved in league with one another, you arching into him. You were nothing short of restless. Orgasm was calling your name in a chant, sweet and honey-like. It was impossible to ignore what your entire body yearned for.
You surrendered, shuddering with climax. Taeyong had to lock his palm over your mouth again, smothering the scream you made as orgasm reduced you to only ecstasy. Your eyes closed as your lips tore open, your heart thumping mightily in your chest. You were scorching all over, skin on fire.
Taeyong came not a moment later, cock twitching with climax. His teeth clamped into his bottom lip, and the growl that slipped between made you feel as if you could cum again on command. He anchored himself with his hands on your waist as his orgasm tore something absolutely inhuman out of him.
The feeling of his cum stuffing you full made you moan. It made you feel whole and complete. You were limp against the mattress, lips parted in shallow breaths as you tried desperately to catch your breath. Taeyong slackened, collapsing at your side once sated. Meanwhile, you fought a smile as you felt his release trickling warmly down your legs and thighs.
Taeyong’s first instinct was to check up on you, eyes big and starry as he asked, “Are you okay?“
You sighed, “Dunno. I think you broke me.”
His face tensed with concern and you busted into laughter.
“I’m kidding,” you said, pressing a brief but reassuring kiss to the corner of his mouth. “I’m all good, baby.”
Taeyong smiled softly. A moment of silence passed, but it was pleasant. You listened to the sounds of each other’s breath, comforted because it was proof that you were there. Neither of you wanted to move or leave, content to merely be in the presence of one another.
Taeyong had you and you had Taeyong. That was all you needed.
“Tell me you’ll stay,” Taeyong said, breaking the silence first.
“I’ll stay.”
Like he was unsatisfied, Taeyong added, “Tell me you’ll never leave.”
“I’ll never, ever leave you. You have my word on that,” you promised solemnly. “I don’t want to pretend anymore, Taeyong. I love you.”
Taeyong’s heart pounded with both awe and ache. His fingers laced through yours and squeezed comfortably. “You don’t have to pretend with me. I promise.”
You both lay comfortably in each other’s embrace, your head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat spelling your name.
The morning you all had to check out of the hotel, you leaned your back against your car, facing the resort fondly. It had been one hell of a week here, but you were appreciative.
As always, Taeyong was right at your side.
“What have we both learned from this trip?”
“We both run from our issues like cowards,” Taeyong drawled, a wry smile on his face.
“Mm. How compatible are we,” you deadpanned.
Taeyong stole a quick kiss and snickered. “Very.”
Yesterday you announced to your mutual group of friends that you were dating, as well as the fact that Rosé and Jaehyun were dating now. Which - as expected - garnered a handful of mixed responses. It would definitely take some time to get used to.
Not like you cared. For once you were contentedly in love. No more dwelling on the days of the past, wondering what could have and should have been if you would have done this or that.
Taeyong seemed to have the same idea. His heartache finally subsided after years. It was him that had left, but you were the one that got away.
“I love you,” you whispered, wrapping your arms around his body and resting your head on his chest. “I need you to know that.”
Taeyong was beaming. Never had he been more in love. You were his first, his last, and his everything in between.
“I know,” Taeyong replied. His heart was at ease at last. “I will never forget it, baby.”
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