#especially when having lived a fulfilling life and a life you felt ownership of

[severinaprince]

Have any of you ever had this heart-wrenching experience where you see an amazing fanart of some character, that dies in canon relatively young, but is depicted in their would-have-been old age? Fanart where the character has grey hairs in their head, fanart with expression lines and textured skin, where it is undeniable that the character lived.

I remember the first time when that happened to me with a character I adored and really wished they could have had the opportunity to live and enjoy life, not just survive.

That shit brought me to tears.

[slocumjoe]

So, someone asked me about the ending to my deleted fic about x6 finding his place in the world and his own version if humanity.

So, a summary of X6, and my headcanons for why he is the way he is, as well as what the fic was about. It was an exploration on what could make X6 who he is, and what makes anyone anything

Background

X6-88 started off as a personal assistant to a Dr. Paris, a head of the Bio division, whose thesis project revolved around restoring greenery and healthy plant life to the topside. Paris was often shunned for his concern for the topside, as well as his insistence on treating X6 as a surrogate son and that, even if synths don't have souls and aren't people, it's still unbecoming to abuse them. His notion was that, if you are angry, punching a person and punching a wall are both depictions of immaturity and ill temper; the fact that the wall doesn't feel it doesn't mean that you are not explosive and volatile.

Paris had a taste for the old world pleasures, and taught X6 art, attempted teaching him instruments, and succeeded better in giving him a proper education, like any of the kids growing up in the Institute. Often, Paris would encourage X6 to paint whatever he felt like or could imagine, and discouraging efforts to be realistic or otherwise "valuable."

This aspect was directly tied into questions I had for my own work, if the quality of a creation mattered more than the passion and heart put into it. Is art better if more people understand it, or is it better to create something that people can only stare at and wonder about?

When X6 was about 7 (I HC him to be about 12), a synth tried escaping from the Institute the hard way (bumrushing), and ran into X6 and Paris. She attempted to attack Paris with a energy pistol, and despite Paris telling him to stay out of the way, X6 tried to intervene and take down the other synth. She still managed to shoot and disintegrate Paris.

Paris' wife removed X6-88 from their family's ownership (basically fired him) and blamed him for the death, attempting to have him wiped for not following her father's orders. Upon being an unowned, run of the mill synth again, X6-88 went into the courser program. He rationalized it as simply a need to be fulfilled, but deep down, it was a means to atone for his failure.

Main plot

The fic was pretty silly. It started with X6-88 choosing to move out of the bunkhouse August/Sole had built for the companions to live in, after kitchen mishaps led to his precious coat being melted.

The coat was a status symbol and reminder of what he had lost, and had to make up for, and had succeeded in doing. And with the others slowly moving out as well, X6 wanted to get some god damn peace, seeing as Gus didn't like him remaining in the Institute. (Which is not destroyed in my narrative).

X6-88 instead finds a renovated apartment complex in Concord, Sanctuary's sister city, almost a district of the growing settlement. A large aspect of the fic was the Institute replicating strawberries, and the Cafe down the road producing, basically, strawberry donuts. Piper moves into the same complex with Nat, and brings a box of said donuts as a neighborly peace offering.

Piper featured heavily in the fic as an unlikely friend to X6-88, especially once they establish a bookclub with Curie. This happens when X6 attempts to find interior decorating magazines to find inspiration for his living space, and stumbles upon a trashy erotica and becomes hooked. While delivering donuts, Piper sees the book with the pages tabbed, and insists he joins bookclub. He does, only so that she doesn't tell anyone, knowing that he can't just kill her to ensure her silence. Among other things, he would also join her and Nat for breakfast, and find Nat endlessly amusing, being around the same moral grey area at an angsty 11 year old girl. Piper and Nat would help to inform his ideas on what Family could be and mean and look like.

Nick also featured, slowly coming to see what path X6 had taken without realizing it. With the others help, they make him a new coat. When presented it, X6 freaks out and rejects it, spitting on the gesture and taking offense.

While on a job for Gus, X6 discovers a cat out in the wild, and names her Pyewhacket, in reference to something I no longer remember. She was based heavily on my own cat at the time, I believe. Pie's place in the story was to serve as a reminder of his capabilities for gentleness and concern, thawing out his heart that he'd frozen a long time ago.

This fic was started when I was still in an abusive house situation, and was fed mostly on my dreams of escaping and figuring out who I was underneath what I had to be to survive, and questions on who I could have been without those circumstances. I was very angry, cold, reserved person back then, and desperately wished people could see through what I felt were obvious cracks in that armor.

Throughout this, Augustijn (at the time, he was called Jesse), would show up and attempt to wax philosophical at him, trying to jog his opinions toward the direction of "let yourself be a person." While his intentions were pure, much of X6-88's conflict was that he didn't know if he was, or if he even wanted to be. He couldn't believe himself human, he just wasn't. What did that leave? Ultimately, Gus wanted to help, but his solutions didn't match what X6-88 needed.

This would culminate when X6-88 would join him and Piper on a trip down into the Institute. X6 ran into Paris's daughter and was horrified, recognized her and knowing that she didn't know the full story. This story was exposed by some shitty dude who previously had a bone to pick with X6.

Piper or Gus, I can't remember which, attempted to seek him out and check on him, but X6 lashed out and effectively retreated into his apartment. He spends however much time keeping himself busy, picking up drawing again but painfully aware of the limits he sets for himself, focusing more on realism than expression.

What we didn't get to

Eventually, Nick would kick down the door, give him the updates on what was going on with the Institute. Part of the thing with the Strawberries was that it was part of Paris's project, and they're almost at fruition (haha, pun not planned). However, it's been discovered that his ashes were buried with the documents for his project, and they're pretty sure he had the final piece. This could be a game changer for the Commonwealth. Problem; his tomb (the Institute has, like, a catacomb) is locked with the same thumbprint ID Paris used for everything. It's an old, old, OLD technology that isn't hacked easily. They know Paris had his thumbprint as an ID, but the Institute knows that someone else had theirs as a valid print as well. Nick asks if that person would be X6. X6 says no. Nick frowns and takes his leave, subtly calling him on his BS.

This portion would have been X6 trying to figure out why he does and doesn't want to assist in finishing Paris's lifelong work. One on hand, he wants to help put the man to rest. On the other, he lost all value for the topside when Paris died. Than again, Paris's work is almost complete. Than again, does he have the right to aid it, after his death?

Eventually, Gus would convince X6 to join him in exploring the catacombs, an area Gus hasn't ventured in. He wants to pay his respects to the history of the Institute. Eventually, they would end at Paris's catacombs, and Gus would have convinced X6 enough to open the door, if only to pay his own respects and confront his past.

This portion would delve into the idea of feeling obligated to your own suffering, that what your pain turned you into made that for a reason. It questioned why people often turn to the idea that the people who loved them would want them to suffer, and that grief is for yourself as much as it the person you lost, who you felt made the world manageable. It explored a loss of something you didn't really get to have in the first place. X6 would find that Paris had his tomb filled with X6's old art projects, messy and unrefined but oozing something unnamable.

Returning to the topside, X6 would return to his easel, and paint a portrait that could never exist; Paris, sitting at the window of X6's, apartment, Pie the cat in his lap, overlooking fields of Strawberries and a lush green Commonwealth. It would have been an very theatrical piece, wholly unconcerned with accuracy and looking more like paint was splashed on by the bucket. However, it looks just as X6 remembers his mentor, his father. Otherworldly in his serenity, happy to enjoy the mess of life.

X6 would find himself digging that new coat out from his closet and try it on for the first time. It was made from death claw leather, dyed as dark as they were able, and carefully designed to suit his needs. It would be high quality, but not the uniform coats of the Coursers. This coat came from the wild, the topside, from a place of affection and concern and understanding. The uniform was just a uniform, a sign he had passed a test.

The fic would then end on Piper, Curie, and X6 having bookclub, starting with a new trashy novel.

Notes

I was a hot mess at the time and was mostly word vomiting my own fears, desires, and pain into word documents, so the story often jumped all over the place. There were a lot of technical things that led to me taking it down out of embarrassment, scenes and themes too messy to clean up without starting all over. There was also the struggle of communicating something I felt uncommicatable, and pouring myself out there and feeling exposed in a way I didn't plan on.

The initial title was Strawberry Donuts of War, and then My Hope and My Fear is Human Interaction. The first was a joke, the other a lyric from the song AI by OneRepublic.

I have snippets of the fic here and there in my documents, but I'd have to do some serious digging and piecing together to find the whole thing.

I abandoned it also around the time of the George Floyd riots. I am a white person, and I didn't feel right projecting onto an enslaved black man during that period. I posted a chapter Authors Note about it, as well as resources for BLM, but later decided I couldn't stand the taste it left in my mouth.

[masongrizchel]

Demarcation of Helping and Doing Too Much

It feels great to have some help. A little support can go a long way, but let’s be honest—there’s a point where too much help starts to feel like a takeover. As individuals, we all want to make our dreams a reality through our efforts. When someone hands us everything, it might seem like a gift, but in reality, it robs us of the accomplishment we would have felt by doing it ourselves. 💡

Think about how satisfying it is to reach a goal you worked hard for finally. Now, imagine someone just handed you the result. Sure, it might feel nice for a second, but that pride in earning it? That’s gone. The journey itself—the learning, the challenges, the growth—counts. So, when you’re chasing your dreams, remember that the process builds you up, not just the result. 🌱

This idea also matters when you’re supporting others. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or colleague, it’s easy to want to jump in and do everything for them, especially when you care. But real help doesn’t mean taking over. It means walking alongside them, offering support, but letting them run their race. 🏃‍♂️

You’re not here to live their life for them. Your role is to be there, guide, and cheer, but ultimately, to let them feel the joy and growth of their hard work. We all need to experience that sense of ownership over our accomplishments. That’s where true fulfillment comes from. 

The best help is the kind that empowers, not takes over.

[maddieinwonder]

The Eighth

Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: None, this is a fluff-only zone!

Word Count: 2.3k

Plot: Reader has been in the BAU for one year and a lot has changed, especially her relationship with a certain genius. (Part 1 here!)

Author's Note: Seriously, I wasn't expecting my first two fics to blow up like that. Just, thank you to everyone who read them ♡♡♡

As for this one... I had to write a Part 2, basically as an excuse for me to write good things about everybody in the BAU and go wild with the backstories hahaha I hope you enjoy!

Masterlist

--------------

Under the dim lighting of the BAU jet, your pen paused on the small book beneath it, causing a small blotch of ink to seep through its pages. The words usually flowed out of you without inhibition, but today was different, and frankly, you were feeling a little overwhelmed.

You didn't think the team would remember this, but today marked exactly one year since you joined the BAU. As if the universe were smiling down on you, the week also turned out to be a great one - or at least, as good as it could get around here.

The team had just closed a challenging case with minimal casualties, everyone had been ordered to have a long weekend off, and the person you most wanted to spend it with was dozing off beside you without a care in the world. Of course, he didn’t know about your feelings... yet.

Closing your journal, you gave up on writing as your eyes wandered restlessly toward your sleeping teammates.

Your eyes crinkled into a smile when your gaze landed on Hotch. This was the first time you’d seen him actually asleep on the jet, and in your opinion, he deserved whatever rest he could get. Since you joined the team, you had seen the man endure countless late nights in the office. Something you had quickly attributed to the missing wedding ring on his finger.

Yet, he remained a stalwart to the team. He constantly checked in with everybody, shielded the team from messy politics, and even managed to crack the occasional joke. Of course, he was still stoic most of the time, and you weren’t exactly sure if he was capable of blinking, but now you knew the warmth and care he possessed too.

Then there was Rossi, who had defied all your initial expectations. You had thought a celebrity like him to be gracious, maybe a little egoistic, but he was straight forward and meticulous to a fault. Still, it seemed he couldn't escape his nature as a performer, as he shone the brightest in the interrogation room.

The day you first witnessed him in action, your jaw had dropped to the floor, and he never stopped bringing it up in jest. He always joked that he didn't know whether you or the unsub was more shocked, but after that day, he also took the time to mentor you in the craft. You liked to think he was proud of how quickly you were able to put it into practice.

Your eyes wandered to Emily, sleeping soundly in the next seat. With Penelope and JJ’s busy schedules, she had taken on the role of showing you the ropes, and you had become fast friends. Turns out, the both of you were eerily similar: competitive, quick thinkers who never backed down from a challenge.

Unfortunately this meant you were never paired together on cases, but you did have an ongoing chess tournament slash drinking game. The chess was your idea, the drinking was Emily’s, and you were currently winning, much to your obvious pride and the rest of the team's amusement.

The person you actually got paired with the most was Derek; effectively fulfilling the fantasies of many women you knew. But as it turned out, the two of you made a damn good team. His calculated disposition combined with your breadth of knowledge - only rivalled by the good doctor - made you an extremely effective duo, and Hotch picked up on it immediately.

You being younger than him by a few years, Derek made it a point to check in with you often, and in turn, allowing you to glimpse at his pensive, empathetic, and insightful sides. He had become a big brother to you, and you like a sister. A bond that proved to be a strong one, across the many cases you tackled together.

You smiled to yourself, eyes landing on Penelope and JJ, dozing off together under a bright pink, knitted blanket whose ownership was in no doubt. It was rare that the tech analyst came along on cases, but she was always a welcomed presence for everybody involved.

Amidst the sea of gruesome cases sent to the BAU, you had come to look forward to Penny's witty banter, either over the phone or in person. The image of her colourful outfits and her outrageously decorated office were enough to make you believe in a light at the end of any tunnel.

It reminded you of your first case, an extraordinarily challenging one that the team managed to unravel in the nick of time. When you arrived back at the BAU, Penelope was the one to drag you out to celebrate. Little did you know, the rest of the team had also gathered at the bar with party poppers and birthday cake. When you found out that Penny had planned everything, you knew you had earned a friend for life.

As you smiled at the memory, JJ shuffled in her sleep and your attention was drawn to her sleeping figure. You didn’t know how she could look so perfect even when she was asleep. But then again, you’d come to realise that there was very little she couldn’t do.

You had already been friends with the communications liaison, but working with her in the BAU was a completely different beast. Of all the chaotic personalities in the BAU, only JJ had a hold over every single one. She was able to apply the same to the local police and media, and still meet the victim's families with the utmost grace and empathy.

During her brief window of absence when Henry was born, things just weren't the same. You liked Jordan, and you knew she always gave her best, but there was an unmistakable sigh of relief when JJ was back. And although she never asked for it, you and Penelope did everything you could to give her and Will a break from their newborn, including regular movie nights in with baby Henry.

Last but not least, the one that you couldn't forget even if you tried, Dr. Spencer Reid. You had joined the BAU because of him, you realised now. But what began as professional interest, had quickly developed into a full blown crush on your co-worker.

You realised this fact on an absolutely unremarkable day, except for the fact that your heart skipped a beat when Spencer walked into the office that morning. He wasn't wearing anything out of the ordinary, his usual combination of sweater vest and shirt, but when he smiled at you, your face flushed visibly and you wanted to melt into your chair in embarrassment.

If the genius had noticed it, he didn't let it show. But Derek most certainly did. Every chance he got that day, he teased you about your newfound crush on "pretty boy", and soon the news made it to everyone's ears. Emily not in the least, as she used the knowledge to win several chess games, much to your annoyance.

And still, Spencer remained oblivious. Despite how often you sat starry eyed listening to him explain a completely random fact. Despite how many weekends you spent together bonding over your shared interests in Star Trek and Doctor Who. Despite the fact that the seat next to him on the plane was basically reserved for you. You didn't think he knew, because he never made a move.

That's why you decided last week. The next time the team had a long weekend off, you would ask Spencer out on a date. You just didn't think it would happen so soon.

Midway through your thought, Spencer groaned in the seat next to you. His hands lifted to move his hair away from his face, and you resisted the urge to do it for him.

"Are we there yet?" He asked, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

You felt your heartbeat quicken at his voice, gravelly and soft, not fully back to reality just yet.

"No, not yet," you answered back in a whisper. "It's only 3AM. We have about two hours to go."

"Why aren't you asleep?" He asked. His head leaned back onto the headrest, but this time, his face turned towards yours. The two of you were far too close to each other for this to be work appropriate.

"Just thinking." You tapped the cover of your book with your pen in explanation, trying to look anywhere but at him. Spencer hummed in acknowledgement, the sound driving you wild. Then he did something you could have never expected.

"Hey," he began, pulling your gaze to meet his hazel eyes, "happy one year at the BAU." His lips formed a small smile, sleepy but genuine.

"You remembered?" You couldn't fight the wide smile that made its way onto your face, nor the glee that spilled out of your voice.

"Of course. Eidetic memory, remember?" He joked, gesturing at his head. Maybe it was the lack of sleep talking, but you felt like you were on the verge of tears.

"Thank you. Really."

"Hey, hey, hey, don't cry." Spencer said, suddenly sitting upright. He leaned forward as if to touch your cheek, but his fingers lingered in the air in between you awkwardly.

You brought your own fingers to your face, realising that you were, in fact, crying. A small laugh escaped your lips at the absurdity of it all.

"No, no, I'm alright, Spencer. Just overwhelmed, I suppose." You tried explaining, gently wiping the tears from your face.

"Why?" He asked, his voice laced with concern.

“I didn’t expect anyone to remember it, that’s all.” You said, feeling a little ashamed now, but your words seemed to light a fire in the doctor’s eyes.

“Well, whoever forgot it must be stupid because you’ve made a difference in the lives of every single person on this jet.” He said in an uncharacteristic huff.

This was your chance, you realised.

“Hey, Spencer,” you said after a pause, biting your lip nervously, “what difference did I make in your life?”

Spencer looked as if he had been caught, his eyes instantly darted to the seat behind you, his fingers twitching. You tightened your grip on your pen, willing yourself not to collapse from the anticipation.

“Of course, I-I mean, many things can’t be quantified due to its subjective nature, but you did change my life."

"Like?" You pressed on.

"You gave me something to look forward to everyday." He said, his eyes lifting to meet yours. You felt your heart soar a hundred stories above the ground.

"Really?" You were in disbelief, your voice barely a whisper.

"Really. You're... you're intelligent, beautiful, and you open my mind to new things every day. I feel like you understand me in ways the rest can't, and you’re the person I want to tell everything to. There’s nobody else but you.” He blurted out in a single breath, as if he'd lose the words if he waited any longer.

Your eyes threatened to spill tears again, but you blinked them back, preparing to say what you wanted to say to him long ago.

"Spencer... I like you. Like, romantically like you." You whispered, your eyes barely able to meet his. His eyes were wide open, his eyes glancing briefly at your lips.

And in a moment of pure bravery, as he explained later, he placed his hand over yours and squeezed. "Me too. I like you, romantically."

Long after that, he would tell you that he'd never seen you smile so widely before, and he instantly knew that he wanted to be the reason you smiled that way all the time. But in the moment, he just laced his fingers with yours.

You squeezed his hand back. Feeling calmed by his warm touch, you leaned closer to him. You still had one question on your mind.

"Did you know that I liked you?"

"I figured it out eventually. Last month." He said sheepishly. "But I've had feelings for you since a month after you joined the team." His cheeks turned a light pink at the confession.

"You know what? Me too." You blushed, leaning against his shoulder.

“Another thing we have in common now,” he said, resting his head on yours.

You weren’t willing to let him go now that you had him, and luckily, it seemed like he had the same idea, wrapping his arm around your shoulder and pulling you close.

The two of you fell into slumber easily, not even realising it when the jet had landed back in Virginia.

It didn't take long for the rest of the team to realise the interesting sight in front of them, but not even Penelope's high-pitched squeal managed to wake you up.

In the end, it was JJ who decided to end your unknowing humiliation by shaking the two of you gently. You and Spencer jolted awake, immediately taking in the various smirks and grins from your team in front of you.

"Ok, that's enough guys." Hotch announced. You noticed the small smile on his face before he turned around to leave the jet.

The team - mostly Emily and Penelope - looked as if they wanted to enjoy the sight for a little longer, but at Hotch's word, decided they would leave the teasing till later.

"That's not exactly how I imagined telling the team," Spencer said, when the two of you were finally alone. He ran his fingers through his hair in an action of mild distress, but you noticed the smile that was still glued to his face.

You leaned over to give him a kiss on the cheek, enjoying the blush it left behind. "Well, that means less time with them, and more time with you," you teased.

Spencer picked up his bag and offered his hand to you. "I'm counting on it," he said, smiling widely.

You took his hand, your gaze trailing up his wrinkled shirt to his messy brown hair, finally landing on his earnest eyes. Of all the times in the past year you got to be the BAU's Eighth. This moment had got to be the best.

[xgibbleyx]

A “few” more Tony Green Headcannons!

You can read the others here first!

Tony occasionally uses Italian phrases when speaking.

Tony is bisexual, but didn’t have the words for it until Ethan came out himself and talked about it.

He hasn’t felt the need to be in a serious relationship or date since taking care of Ethan, because he feels fulfilled from just being a caregiver to his son. (You can take this as him probably being aro in some form too).

He hangs out at the Birdhouse bar with his buddies whenever he has free time, and also to give Ethan some space.

Tony’s nicknames for Ethan include but are not limited to: Eef, eath, eafie, kiddo, buddie, eee, ‘than and bambino.

Ethan is the result of a one night stand, Tony often lovingly refers to Ethan as 'the best mistake he’s ever made’ but he doesn’t realise how much it hurts his son.

Ethan’s first word was “fuck’.

They go out for 'burgies’ as Ethan calls it. Which is just a trip "Backyard Burgers”. [Which is a fictional fanmade location featured in the Nightmare Time Episode Bump In The Night, which you can read here]

Tony used to sing 'That’s Amore’ & 'Fly Me To The Moon’ to Ethan to help him sleep as a baby.

He is also a highschool dropout as well.

Tony wanted Ethan to not follow in his footsteps, however when Ethan was suspended / dropped out of school he couldn’t bring himself to be mad at him, because he understood where he was coming from.

Tony has quite the criminal record.

+As a teenager he was roped into sticking up a gas station with his buddies and robbing the place. Of course it inevitably went bad. He ended up getting chased by police dogs and getting bitten on the leg by one of them before getting arrested.

+After bailing him out, his parent disowned him. He felt like a failure for the longest time and spent most of his teens sofa surfing with no purpose in life. He did a lot of stupid things in that time.

After getting kicked out by his own parents and with no education, Tony fully engrosses himself in mechanics and finds peace when he can fix even the most broken of cars.

+Tony really loves cars. A lot. Not like that. But he just thinks they’re neat.

He teaches Ethan how to fix cars, however Ethan doesn’t have as much passion for it as his dad.

Tony taught Ethan to drive before he could even reach the pedals. They practiced in an empty parking lot at night.

+Tony joked at the time it was 'getaway driver practice’.

Tony pays off Ethan’s mother to leave them be. Ethan’s mother in the past has taken Ethan away once, however he made his way back to the garage by himself because he was scared. Ethan’s mother often threatens she will take them both to court to have legal ownership over her son to get Tony to keep paying her. (Tony folds every time knowing that with his criminal record there’s no way they wouldn’t choose her over him)

(In the case of the “Ethan doesn’t die” Nightmare time) I don’t believe that Tony would ever blame Lex for Ethan’s death. I think that he would retreat in on himself and not know how to continue on. Ethan has been his main driving force throughout his entire adult life. He gave him a purpose to live for, so naturally it would be extremely taxing and exhausting to have that life line cut off in such a traumatic way. Especially given the fact that Tony works on cars day to day, he probably sees wrecked cars more often than not which would be extremely triggering for him considering that’s how Ethan died.

+ I also think that Tony would never tell Lex that 'Ethan was a nice kid until he met you’ to a literal child. As a highschool dropout himself I think that he’d understand that Ethan’s downfall at school can’t be pinned on a girl, (especially one that’s younger than him) but instead on Ethan not being built for the education system (as evident by Ethan miss spelling words and such, which clearly runs far longer than knowing Lex for a couple of years).

During the events of Black Friday, I think that just leaving Ethan’s body in the mall and having no one dwell on his death is a BIG mistake. Considering how much of a positive driving force he is for Lex and Hannah and all. So- I like to imagine that Tony is working in the garage and hears over the radio reports about the riots at the mall and heads down there knowing that’s where Ethan is supposed to be. He sees the entrances and exits boarded up but he finds his way in through smashing a window. He finds Ethan’s broken body on the floor in the cineplex lobby and breaks down. He tries to convince himself Ethan’s fine and just playing a prank on him, even though he can’t find a pulse and wont respond to a word he’s saying. He tries to haul him up to get him out of the mall and fails miserably. Ethan’s body is a dead weight. Neither of them make it out but I don’t think Tony would want to live without him anyway. (I’ve considered making this a comic in the past but it’s too much to do)

(If you read all of this, you deserve this drawing of Tony! Here you go)

[lilith-lovett]

Found Families - Home is Where the Hart is - Chapter Twenty Three

I am back (hopefully for good this time). I am in my second semester of University and because of the situation in the UK I am at home for the first couple of months but hopefully I will able to move back into my accommodation by the end of the month. Okay little life update over, I have a short chapter for you today but I honestly really like it, I had a burst of inspiration the other day so I decided to get this chapter finished. I was giving a lot of trouble in the beginning but I managed to get it done super quickly and here it is. I hope you enjoy.

Masterlist

Summary: Patton opens up

Word Count: 2841

Warnings: Past child abuse, past emotional abuse, homophobia, homophobic parents, anxiety, self-deprecation, food mention (If I have missed anything please let me know)

Logan repeated Patton’s words over and over again in his mind. Knowing Patton, it presumably wasn’t some insignificant comment. He often had secret meanings behind his words Logan couldn’t always decipher but he had began to recognise when they appeared. Patton had something else to say but felt like he couldn’t. Perhaps, Dot and Larry had told Patton of their conversation and Logan’s rather invasive questions about Patton’s childhood? Maybe he was upset with him for his prying? What had he done? He should have known not to ask questions? Logan should apologise and allow Patton to select an appropriate punishment for his behaviour. Perhaps, it wouldn’t be to late. Maybe, if he took ownership of his actions now Patton wouldn’t be so upset. However, Patton was entitled to his anger and Logan deserved it. Logan deserved to be punished. He did something wrong. His curiosity became invasiveness and he obviously hurt Patton and he needed to make it right.

Logan stood up from his bed and took a deep breath. Gathering his nerves and mentally constructing his apology. He looked to the bear sat limply at the head of his bed for courage but all it gave him was another reminder of everything Patton had done for him, not only the monetary contributions like the clothes and furniture he had purchased for him but the continuous kindness Patton had shown him ever since they first met and every day since. Patton had given Logan a home. An escape from the hell he was living. He needed to apologise. To explain himself and hope and pray it wasn’t to late.

Logan walked downstairs, seeing Patton making preparations for dinner tonight while Declan slept on the sofa, swaddled in one of the several blankets Patton decorated with and a toy clutched in his hand. Patton was singing along to a song which was playing on the radio so hadn’t noticed Logan yet and he didn’t want to disturb Patton but the longer he waited the worse he felt. Logan walked slowly towards the kitchen, a lump forming in his throat. He hoped Patton would turn around, saving him from this drawn out torture, the spiders crawling up his throat, preventing any words from coming out. After what felt like an eternity but Logan knew it had realistically only been a couple of minutes, Patton looked up.

“Oh, hello, Logan,” Patton said switching the radio off and giving Logan his full attention which made Logan feel worse. Patton was trying. He had been trying since the day they met. To understand all of Logan’s quirks and habits, his learned behaviours and rather unconventional ones for which even he didn’t understand but Patton always tried to and for that he was grateful. Logan wasn’t easy. He was aware of that fact above all others. Yet Patton despite his own clear struggles did everything in his power to create a safe environment for him, a home. But he could not allow himself to enjoy it, to show to his true gratitude and be normal for once but he had to go and ruin everything again. “Are you alright, kiddo, you look like you have a lot on your mind,”.

“P-Patton, I feel I must apologise to you,” Logan blurted out, hoping it would expel the horrible tension weighing on him. “For my meddling and invasive questioning, it was wrong of me to pry into your childhood and invade your personal privacy. You have been nothing but kind and accommodating to me and I will accept any punishment you see fit,”.

Logan’s breath caught in his throat as he finished, he hadn’t realised how quickly words had been exiting him until he was fighting for air. He finally glanced up at Patton, having had been staring at the ground throughout his speech. The shame he felt when looking Patton in the eye was too much to bare but the heavy silence present in the air was far worse. Patton’s expression was difficult to read, it often was for him despite others describing him as an ‘open-book’ or that he ‘wore his heart on his sleeve’ both idioms Logan struggled to comprehend. His eyes were wide and his mouth slightly agape indicating surprise but Logan failed to gauge anything further. Then Patton did something Logan hadn’t expected. He hugged him.

“Let’s sit…I think we need to have a talk,” Patton said in a soft, sombre voice, it was unlike Patton’s regular sunny disposition which only heightened Logan’s anxiety yet he complied and allowed Patton to lead him to the sofa.

 Patton lead Logan to the sofa, indicating for him to sit while he sat across from him. Logan looked at him quizzically but complied, none of the tension leaving his body as Patton hoped it would yet he wasn’t surprised. Logan was cautious by nature, Patton was sure he had envisioned…no convinced himself that this situation would go in an very different direction and was sceptical of the outcome. Patton had wanted to address Logan’s belief that he was always doing something wrong and he would be punished for simply existing in time, as he believed Logan wasn’t mentally ready for that conversation but his behaviour was extremely distressing and Patton didn’t know how they could carry on as normal with so much still unknown. Perhaps it was time. He had expected his words would strike a cord with Logan but what he hadn’t expected was Logan’s reaction, maybe he should have. Patton knew Logan’s mindset had been warped after years of abuse. Of course, his brain immediately went to the worse case scenario and convinced him he was to blame. He had experienced that same thing his entire life.

“So, I want to make something clear, you have nothing to apologise for, it is me who needs to apologise. I should have been more careful with my words, it wasn’t my intention to cause you any more stress so I am sorry,” Patton said as he observed Logan, his eyes scanned his own face as if he were searching. Searching for an ulterior motive in his words but from his confused expression he could not find any. “I’m being serious Logan, I should have been honest with you from the beginning. You’re so smart kiddo, I’m not surprised you figured out something wasn’t right,”.

“B-but, I shouldn’t have pried,”. Logan interjected, withdrawing further into himself.

“I’m not upset with you for asking questions, it is a good thing, I just wish you felt like you could come to me with them but I understand why you found it easier to ask Dot and Larry, the whole situation is still a little bit of a sore spot for me,” Patton confessed, he hadn’t expected to ever be talking about his childhood again. He attempted to avoid discussing it all costs much to Emile’s annoyance but he didn’t have many happy memories from that time in his life and would much rather forget it existed at all. But that wish would be hypocritical of him considering how much he encouraged everyone around him to be open and honest with their feelings. However, he seemed to struggle with taking his own advice. “But I am willing to answer any questions that you might have,”.

“Okay…Dot mentioned that you haven’t seen nor spoken to your biological parents since the day the kicked you out,” Logan stated bluntly, Patton flinched at the sudden reminder. “Why?”.

“Um…uh…well,” Patton stuttered, he should have expected Logan to immediately begin with the question he asked himself on a near daily basis up until recently but he took a breath and then another before shifting closer to Logan. “I think it easier if I start from the beginning. My parents weren’t exactly the warmest people, they were very traditional and conservative, they had a lot of expectations…for me especially. To do good in school, go to College, get a good job as a Doctor or Lawyer...marry a…women and give them grandchildren. A lot of parents want that for their children, they want them to live happy, successful and fulfilling lives but...for my parents it was a requirement,”.

“For them nothing was more important than image and reputation, they had theirs to maintain and I couldn’t do anything that would harm it. Like get a bad grade in school or date someone they didn’t approve of. It was a lot of pressure for a kid at the time and it was hard,” Patton continued burying his hands into his shirt as he recalled the painful memories. “I wasn’t the best student. I tried but my grades didn’t reflect the effort I was putting in but I still wanted to be a doctor. They were so proud of that. That their only son was going to be a doctor but it didn’t stop their expectations from growing.

“I didn’t end up getting good enough grades to pursue medicine, so I aimed lower, I wanted to be a teacher, something attainable that I was actually passionate about but they didn’t approve. We got into so many arguments about that. I didn’t want to disappoint them but it was all I was seeming to do,” Patton trailed off, it had been years ever since Patton had told anyone about his parents or his childhood. He hadn’t expected it to be so difficult to talk about. He could feel his hands beginning to tremble as he wound his hands deeper into his shirt, he felt a nudge on the side of his leg. It was Logan. Patton hadn’t noticed Logan gradually inching closer as he told his story, the gesture was so sweet it almost completely distracted him from the growing sadness in his chest. He continued. “I-I was just figuring out my sexuality, Emile and his parents knew, they helped me a lot even back then. I wanted to come out but they didn’t think it would be a good idea. I understood why, my parents were hyper-religious and extremely intolerant to anyone they considered ‘not normal’ but I guess I was holding out hope because I was their son that they would accept me…They didn’t,”.

“I think that was the worst day of my life…it was like they didn’t know me any more and the past seventeen years I did everything for them meant nothing. They kicked me out and I moved in with Emile and his parents. It took some time but I eventually got back on my feet and I never spoke to them again,” Patton finished with an exhale, slumping over as exhaustion overtook his body, when he glanced up Logan was still by his side.

“They never reached out?” Logan asked.

“No, I haven’t heard from them since that day, they disowned me,”Patton answered so many times in the first few months he prayed for his parents to visit or call or text him, something to tell him that they still cared but nothing.

“Do Roman and Virgil know?” Logan inquired.

“Little bits and pieces. They know that Dot and Larry aren’t their ‘real’ grandparents but they never questioned it beyond that, I never told them the full story,”. Patton explained Roman and Virgil never asked any questions about their extended family. Roman had been in orphanage since he was born and as such never knew anything about grandparents while Virgil’s biological family was isolated from the rest of their family so Virgil and Dee had no relationship with them. Emile, Dot and Larry had been apart of their lives ever since they entered Patton’s and viewed them as their grandparents so he never felt the need to explain. “Do you have any other questions, I want you to feel like you can ask me anything?”.

“Your parents were not kind people,” Logan said quietly, his head down-turned and his hands wound into his trousers.

“They were not,” Patton admitted. That was the first time he had ever said it aloud. He had avoided criticising or speaking badly of his parents despite the several conversations he had, had with Emile about this very subject. They made Patton feel horrible about himself, made him believe he could do nothing right and he would never be good enough for them. Yet he couldn’t admit to himself they were wrong.

“I apologise Patton, no parent should abandon you for simply being who you are,” Logan said Patton noticed Logan’s hands twitching every so often, as if he were trying to reach it out towards him. Patton had to restrain a squeal at Logan’s attempt to comfort him. “Family should accept you,”.

“Thank you Logan, it was hard to handle for a while but I have a new family now. Roman, Virgil, Dee, Emile, Dot, Larry and now you Logan. Family doesn’t have to be blood related, it is the family that you chose for yourself that is truly special. You deserve to surround yourself with people who support you and you feel safe and happy with and I have finally found that,” Patton said reaching out to take hold of Logan’s hands and he didn’t pull away from his touch. Patton squeezed his hands and Logan returned it.

“I am pleased you found it,” Logan said softly, before dropping Patton’s hands, Logan’s words made him feel somewhat sad. Once again he was distancing himself from the family. Patton knew it would take awhile for Logan to grow comfortable enough to truly accept that he was apart of the family but hopefully in a short while he would be to convince Logan that he was an irreplaceable member. “Patton?”.

“Yes,”.

“I’m not ready to talk about it yet,” Logan said his head hung low as his entire body tensed. Patton didn’t need to ask what Logan was referring to. He knew very little of what Logan endured at the hands of his parents and while he was aware of some of what he experienced during his years at the orphanage, having been present for Logan’s police interview, he knew it wasn’t the full story. Patton knew this was the next step for Logan in order for him to settle in fully, Patton could only do so much but Logan had been through so much hurt and pain this was only the beginning.

“That is okay, I’ll be here to listen when you are,” Patton responded stretching a tentative arm out, ready to withdraw it if needed but Logan moved into his open arms, pressing his cheek against Patton’s chest. Patton hugged Logan close, resting his chin on his head, rubbing the tension out of his body.

Patton couldn’t tell you how long they sat their, Logan wrapped up so small in his arms, all of his stress and worries dissipating from his body. Patton could have stayed there forever but a quick glance towards the clock forced him back to reality. How had it gotten do late? Roman would be returning from Elliott’s shortly and both Virgil and Dee would be wondering where dinner was. Patton glanced down at Logan, only just now realising he had fallen asleep, the deep frown lines had smoothed from his forehead as he softly snored. If only Patton had his camera but he didn’t want to disturb him. He knew Logan struggled to sleep, yet another issues they needed to discuss but now wasn’t the time. Patton glanced towards the clock one more time then back towards Logan. Perhaps it was a pizza kind of night.

It feels really good to be posting again and I hope I will be able to keep up with chapter updates but I am taking a lot of classes this year so I may be a little behind with updates. I have no intention of abandoning this series, I love it way too much. If you have any questions about the series or have a request for me please do not hesitate to send me an ask.

Taglist;  @i-do-not-dislike-fudge @poems-art-darkness-n-more @alex-cain @amber1594 @darkrainbow333 @falseh0od @lovingcreatorstrawberry @mason-does-a-thing @callboxkat @tacohippy56900 @anxiousangel121 @comicsimpson @harrypotternerdprincess @cobythinks @whatschooldoesntteachyou @fandomkitty8 @coloursintheblur @read-write-inspire-repeat @clinicalawesomeness @deceit-sanders-deserved-better @scared-ghosthunter @silverstarlinedart @winterrose42 @alotofstupidstuff @imalwaysthatoneperson @glitchybina @dumbgayemo @quietwords-loudthoughts @altruistic-skittles @thecrimsonstoryteller 

[tothedarkdarkseas]

purely hypothetical situation here, but someone enters murdoc's life. murdoc and 2d don't stop their regular affairs, but murdoc's obsession is now with another man. how do you think stu would respond, being that he didn't really like murdoc as a person to begin with? would he be jealous, offended, hurt? would it change if murdoc was obsessed with a woman instead? do you think it would feel less personal?

That’s a really interesting hypothetical! I have such a difficult time imagining Murdoc’s obsessive fixation transferring away from Stu, honestly, so we’re going out on a limb here!

Early on, I definitely do not think their non-relationship is exclusive, in either direction. It’s hopefully been pretty clear that I do not think Stu stopped sleeping with groupies/women even after his involvement with Murdoc began, but I’ve probably been a bit dodgy about Murdoc’s status and could’ve been clearer! I do think the same applies, they do not regard the “thing” they have as any sort of relationship, and therefore don’t see a reason to stop sleeping around. I don’t think either of them are particularly jealous of that, I think they’re both taken in enough by a rockstar lifestyle that it’s normalized in a way your or I most likely don’t experience. Now, whether Murdoc sleeps with other men is definitely a question I’ve had knocking around the ol’ noggin for ages, and I have difficulty settling on an answer. (See, this is where me not working on a very clear-cut timetable is a problem, because there are surely inconsistencies all over this blog.) I am a bit enamored with Murdoc living in a lesser state of denial than Stuart, but still having a certain sense of private shame and not necessarily being open with his sexuality until a few years in. It’s hard to explain exactly, but it’s sort of like... Murdoc’s willing to tell Stuart he’s slept with men before, and Murdoc is wiling to make himself sexually available to Stuart. Take Stu out of the room, though, and I don’t necessarily think Murdoc’s proudly surrounding himself with men backstage and letting the cameras film that. Murdoc is “out” when that’s useful, when he’s taunting Stu, when he’s riling him up and upsetting him-- but I don’t necessarily see Murdoc, at first, as self-identifying with a particular sexuality. He and Stu aren’t actually so different in that sense, it’s just that Murdoc’s better at separating himself from his actions, Murdoc lives outside of himself and what he’s done for a very long time. (“What he’s done” being things like the car accidents or especially dangerous and selfish behavior, or traumas he dealt with in childhood-- it’s not strictly about his sex life, it just happens to conveniently work for that too!) He doesn’t ask the kinds of identity questions Stu does because he doesn’t like the answer, and to him, that’s a simple straight-forward solution: just don’t ask about it.

Anyway, getting in the weeds there! If Murdoc began a more genuine relationship with another man, I definitely think it would make Stu uncomfortable, upset, and hurt. I don’t reckon he’d call that jealousy, but a spade is a spade. In a lot of ways it wouldn’t be about Stu wanting Murdoc, but Stu becoming used to the dynamic of Murdoc wanting him; it isn’t an exact mirror to his situation with Paula, but there’s a similar root of offense at being made “second place.” Stu is already so above Murdoc’s league, and he’s done him an unspeakable favour by giving him the time of day after Murdoc stole his life away from him (in Stu’s dramatic recounting of it all) so for Murdoc to insinuate another man is more than Stuart in some capacity? Absol-fucking-lutely not. I don’t think Stu would understand his own feelings or ever say as much to Murdoc, but I think he’d certainly be less okay with the situation than he’d like to be. This might manifest in something that feels... a little homophobic, to be blunt, a little like he just can’t stomach Murdoc being in this relationship and it must be because they’re both men, whether that’s the whole truth of it or not. Depending on how far along that tumultuous path they are, I think Stu might ignore him and double down on his own relationships, but there would be a tension hanging heavily over the band and I think it would impact Stu’s ability to work with Murdoc. If this were a woman, I do somewhat think it’d play out differently-- Stu wouldn’t necessarily have to confront anything about Murdoc or his own feelings of “deserving” ownership over him, he could instead project onto her. Plus, this is his opportunity to take the girl back; she isn’t actually Paula, but she could fill that role and allow him to fulfill his desire for closure and “revenge.” In short, if Murdoc really liked a girl in his vicinity, Stu would shag her, sight unseen he’d shag her, he’d be bloody determined to. If it were up to Stu, I certainly think he’d choose to have Murdoc’s attentions shift to a woman so that he could play a more proactive role in the mess, rather than being left to stew in an angry hurt he doesn’t want to even acknowledge.

Thanks for the question! I don’t really tend to deal with jealousy between them other than the Paula situation-- I just haven’t felt very confident involving third characters in general, as I’m not really interested in other ships and I don’t have a huge desire to put an OC in-- but I do like a bit of a jealous plotline here and there! So it’s a fun thought exercise.

[aijee]

i hope you don't mind asking me this, what made host/hostesses interest you, how you stumbled upon the documentary films about host/hostesses, is it recommended to you by someone? I'm really curious since i've read the price of mirrors and it's very well-written and detailed.

Honestly, it started from watching Ouran High School Host Club, which is an anime about, as you can probably tell, a host club in high school. It’s much more wholesome and cute than actual host club culture. I highly recommend watching it! And if you can stomach a particularly mature film, Satoshi Kon’s Perfect Blue is a tragically perfect commentary about the extremes of (Japanese) idol culture and is the inspiration for Black Swan people don’t talk enough about. 

After OHSHC, I started reading articles and watching videos about real host clubs (literally just by Googling and searching on Youtube), and have been fascinated ever since. More of my typical rambling under the cut.

(Disclaimer: I promise I’m not a psychopath nor a psychology major lol, I’m just really interested in how people operate)

I’ve always had a fascination with the manifestation (and portrayal) of human emotions, especially in darker, pressure cooker-like environments that often force raw, instinctual, perhaps even animalistic responses. And by “animalistic”, I don’t mean sexual primal instincts like the word might suggest. Perhaps I just can’t find the right description for it, but I mean the reflexive responses and emotions ingrained in mankind’s simple need to survive, live.

For example, Harlow’s famous study with monkeys suggested just how instinctually vital companionship, comfort, and touch can be, even foregoing feeding ourselves. Throughout human evolution, back when Neanderthals were still existent, socializing was necessary for hunting and gathering food. Love and, to be scientifically objective, sex were necessary for humans to survive. Nowadays, I'd say that sex isn’t as much of a big deal given that lifespans aren’t as threatened by hazardous environments as before. But companionship and love? Still so terribly important, for better or for worse.

With host culture, I was instantly fascinated by how our basest, most primal desires for love and companionship were not only fostered and turned into profit (clients), but also weaponized and suppressed (hosts). Both the giver and receiver are still very much human and flawed at the end of the day, so learning more about this dynamic was an interesting way of seeing how far people are willing to go to fulfill those aforementioned primal desires in a more contemporary setting. Who is more pitiful? The client who will do anything to get what they crave? Or the host who is slowly destroying that human part of themselves?

Growing up, I’ve personally always had a healthy relationship with celebrities and my one-sided, “for fun” crushes on them. K-Pop was no different. As I got older, however, and witnessed K-Pop fanbases grow exponentially and reach younger, English-speaking audiences (I obviously didn’t learn much from Kfans as a non-Korean speaker), I started seeing parallels between more passionate host/client and K-Pop idol/fan relationships:

Delusions of feeling like you “know” this person you “love”

A lacking distinction between reality and fantasy, with one side fanning the fantasy fuel (for profit and/or because they really believe in that fantasy they’re giving)

Claiming “ownership” over another person, especially when you feel like you have financial stake in that other person’s lifestyle and successes

This is not to say that one relationship is more morally correct than the other because they’re comprised of a spectrum of attachment types (and to different degrees). There are fans who respect boundaries, or are casual, or truly become better people because their favorite groups’ music pulled them out of dark times. Been there, done that. There are also clients who just visit hosts for fun without expecting more. There are clients who leave host clubs and come back better people, too. But both jobs are arguably fundamentally the same.

In a time period when companionship and love are becoming harder to come by because of restricted physical contact (again, relates back to the Harlow experiment), it felt relevant and poignant to write an analogy between hosting and idol culture. It was only a matter of time before love and companionship was monetized because we need it as much as food, water, shelter, etc. which we also pay for.

I’ve seen those photos of SVT hosting virtual fan meets, which don’t seem so intimate when the curtains are pulled back. You could draw a million conclusions for what those photos mean, and they could all be valid. I mentioned in a reply on “the price of mirrors” the incident with EXO’s Chen (baby, girlfriend, certain fans wanted him out because they thought he “betrayed” them and EXO) and BTS’s Jimin (ngl he’s my ult but he’s a chronic abuser of the “my fans are my girlfriends!!!” BS and I’m exhausted by it). As the Hallyu wave continues to grow, I honestly worry about how far these relationships will go, and how our sense of love and companionship in these cultures will change.

So where do we go from here? I honestly don’t know. I'm not as obsessed with K-Pop as I used to be, probably largely in part due to Adult Responsibilities that take up my time, and solid relationships I have in real life that keep me feeling loved and looked after. I still follow my faves, of course, but not to the microscope lens other people do. With fanfic, I’m mostly using up some pent-up creative energy and trying to empty out some thoughts that keep crawling around in my mind—one of which was hosts vs. idols, I guess!

[nicolebehariewce]

KELLEE TERRELL: What about being in the Black Mirror universe appealed to you?

NICOLE BEHARIE: First, I just really like genre and sci-fi and imagining the world, the future. That, and Black Mirror is one of my favorite television shows and one of the only ones I look forward to. It's also nice to see people of color on-screen and [Charlie Brooker, the show's creator] has done a good job of creating a diverse world in their universe.

Also, a year ago, they wanted me for a part for a different episode, and I wasn't available. So this time around when they called, without even reading the script, I was like, "I am not going to miss the opportunity. I'm in!"

KT: I read that "Striking Vipers" was shot in Brazil. If that's true, Nicole that's like a free vacation and a paycheck.

NB: Listen. When I first read the script, I felt like the story and my character were pretty domestic, so I was sure we were going to shoot in Atlanta or Los Angeles. Then they told me we would be shooting in Brazil and I was like, "What! Come again?" And with all the different architecture and the beautiful, lush outdoors and how that world was constructed, it was so beautiful. Plus, it was like a free vacation, and it was amazing. 

KT: This episode is such an intense exploration of sexuality, marriage, and technology. What did you take away from it?

NB: The themes were spot-on and on time, especially for Pride Month. As a culture, we are currently going through a period that is more approving [of the LGBTQ community], and more of us realize there are a lot of different ways of loving, living and choosing your life.

As a woman who grew up in the South and was raised in West Indian culture, there are things that "were not allowed." Luckily, throughout my career, I have been able to explore some of that, just like in the film Shame with sex addiction and now [with "Striking Vipers"]. And as an actress, I am always interested in how women exist in these different spaces and how they confront and deal with the expectations placed on them.

KT: Theo is juggling a lot. Being a good wife, a good mother, and wanting to get pregnant again, but still wanting to be sexy, seen and content.

NB: Exactly. I feel like in the very beginning of the episode, Theo had ownership of her body and her sexuality then fast forward to her speech where they are sitting at the table at the restaurant, and she says that other shit [that is opposite of how she used to be]. Now she is raising a family and, in her mind, things are different. Her body is different. And this is real. Often women are living that life and also trying to be fulfilled and wanting to be able to be honest in their walk. 

KT: Let's also talk about the intersections between black masculinity, male friendship, and sexual desire. Because let me tell you, when Karl told Danny he'd virtually slept with a polar bear and it wasn't as good as it was with him, Black Twitter was shook.

NB: Yes! I love how this explores black male masculinity and all of that unsaid things that people whisper about and don't say out loud because they are afraid. And I don't even think Charlie Brooker and the other folks behind it were even aware of that particular conversation when casting us.And when I look back at the scene with [Anthony and Yahya] kissing and that was all about these two brothas' trying to figure it out — and figure it out together. In the end, that's what everyone is trying to do — black, white, trans, whatever — somehow figure out how we fit into this world being ourselves.

KT: Let's also talk about that ending! While Danny is getting his yearly dalliance on with Karl, Theo is also getting hers at the bar. I thought it was empowering and even feminist that she isn't just sitting at home letting him have all the fun.

NB: Honestly, I have mixed feelings about it.

KT: Really? Do tell.

NB: I mean, I think it's cool that there is some type of balance, but it's also kind of sad. I don't know. Why can't Danny play online with Theo instead? But as an actress, there are times when we play parts we don't necessarily agree with, but that's the beauty of this work.

KT: Throughout your career, you have been in so many things, but genre looks really good on you, especially with Sleepy Hollow and now Black Mirror. Why is it so important for more black women to be portrayed in sci-fi and horror?

NB: Whether it's Black Panther or Get Out, I think it important to expand what the world looks like and for us to have the power of letting our minds fly in these different universes. It's also important for actors to have these breaths of experiences in their craft. Super early on in my career, I had a conversation with someone about my skill level, and they were telling me what I needed to work on in order to be in these types of projects. And my response was that it's not that I don't have the ability to do this, I just don't have the same opportunities to do it. But things are changing, slowly, and it's an exciting thing to see.

But even in genre, black women can get stuck cast as the strong and long-suffering archetype. I would love to see the neurotic, quirky black woman because to me, genre is about trying new things, not staying in the box and I hope we can keep building that out, because I'm here for it.

KT: Your fans really missed you and Sleepy Hollow's Abbie Mills, so when the trailer for Black Mirror first came out, people were beyond excited to see you back on television.

NB: Wait, really? Is that true? I took a social media fast from January to March, so I'm so out of the loop.

KT: I swear. I wouldn't play with your emotions like that. [Laughs] Every three months, folks on Twitter want to know where you've been and when you're coming back.

NB: Wow. That's so awesome to hear. I mean, I knew I have fans and that I was missed, I guess I just didn't know it was to this extent. Maybe I'm just too reclusive and shy. It's funny. There was this Iconoclasts interview between Dr. Maya Angelou and Dave Chappelle where he asked her about how she handles criticism and admiration, and she said something to effect of, "I don't pick it up and I don't lay it down." I try to do the same, because I still have work to do and I don't want that to change. I don't want me to change, you know? But I am so grateful to be seen and just know that I see y'all who have been there with me and with Abbie. I appreciate you and feel this love. So while I might not be on Twitter all the time, I am reaching out and connecting with you all through the work. We got some metaphysical shit happening between us. 

KT: Finally, what's next for you?

NB: I don't think I can talk about it yet, but I have some really cool things cooking that I am excited about. Some of it will be familiar, and then there will be things that some people are going to be like, "OMG, Nicole is really going in!" So you will just have to stay tuned. [x]

[garywonghc]

The Path of Foolish Beings

by Mark Unno

One of the implications of the Mahayana Buddhist idea of emptiness is that the important question is not “What does it mean to be a Buddhist?” It is “What does it mean to be a human being?” That’s because emptiness applies to Buddhism itself as much as it does to ordinary objects of attachment. It is only when one has been “emptied” of all preconceived categories, including those of Buddhism, that the deepest reality of being d?human becomes apparent. As the Zen master Dogen states, “To study the buddhadharma is to study the self. To study the self is to forget the self.”

In our usual thinking about human nature, we tend to turn toward various specialists. For example, a scientist might consider our ability to stand erect (homo erectus) and use tools with opposable thumbs to be the defining endowments of human nature. A philosopher might regard the ability to think as the distinguishing characteristic of human nature, as the French thinker René Descartes suggested with his statement cogito ergo sum, “I think, therefore I am.” Some point to the human ability to express sublime emotion through poetry and art or to make moral judgements. Others see skilled surgeons, artful ballerinas, basketball stars, moral leaders, and the like as the pinnacles of humanity. Parents hope their children will become mature human beings, making full use of their bodies, minds, and hearts, and will lead lives that are fulfilling for themselves and others.

But does this account for all of human nature? What about failure, loss, separation, and death? What about people who may have talent but do not live up to their promise? For every musician who aspires to a concert career, how many abandon their dreams for lack of opportunity or finances? Of all the young men and women who aspire to play pro basketball, how many succeed? How many are injured or fail to meet the right coach? How many people wish to escape cycles of oppression and violence but are unable to do so?

When we begin to see that failure and shortcomings of all kinds — economic, social, moral, and spiritual — are as commonplace as so-called success, it becomes necessary to revise our definition of human nature. What we had initially conceived of as human nature, our first nature, as it were, turns out to be only half of the story. There is a second nature, what in Shin Buddhism is called bombu, or foolish being, which is just as much a part of our humanity as our first nature.

Shin Buddhism, the largest development of Japanese Pure Land Buddhism, emphasises our foolishness, or karmic shortcomings. Although we may have a desire or impulse to do good, we are often our own greatest stumbling blocks, the victim of our own circumstances. But while we cannot escape the external karmic consequences of our past actions — legal, economic, social, and so on — this does not mean that we should punish ourselves inwardly for things that have happened in the past. Rather, by recognising our foibles and quirks, we open a window into our own karmic nature, without which we cannot realise buddhanature. For it is only when we recognise and take ownership of the full scope of our humanity that we can see ourselves as truly, fully human. This is when our foolish nature, or second nature, becomes second nature. Only then do we see that the mask of success — the social self we present to others and to ourselves — is only part of our story, and we can look at ourselves and others with more humour and gentleness and with a greater sense of awareness and compassion. As Ryokan, the Zen monk who was also steeped in the Shin path, wrote, we may learn to be more like the maple leaf in autumn that bares all without pretence:

Showing front Showing back The falling maple leaf Embracing Our Foolish Being

What we usually regard as failure, loss, and pain may seem negative because we have a limited view of ourselves, based on our preconceptions and attachments to ideas of who we think we are or should be. As the ancient Daoist master Zhuangzi states,

If a man sleeps in a damp place, his back aches and he ends up half paralysed, but is this true of a loach? If he lives in a tree, he is terrified and shakes with fright, but is this true of a monkey? Of these three creatures, then, which one knows the proper place to live?… Men claim that Maoqiang and Lady Li were beautiful, but if fish saw them they would dive to the bottom of the ocean, if birds saw them they would fly away, and if deer saw them they would break into a run. Of these four, which knows how to fix the standard of beauty for the world?

We label things good and bad, desirable and undesirable, based on our limited understanding, but when we become free of our fixed labels, then all things become potentially meaningful and are embraced in the great flow of life.

Consider the case of Dr. Temple Grandin, associate professor of animal sciences at Colorado State University. She has a condition, usually given the label of autism, that makes social interaction very challenging, but she has grown through her struggles — struggles that have led her to her current work. She cannot sense and decode complex human emotions like most people can, but she has an acute awareness of animal emotions, which are generally simpler and purer. She has developed deep empathy with animals such as cows and pigs and has worked to have them treated as humanely as possible. Sensing the fear that animals experience as they enter the slaughterhouse, she has invented a curved entry into the slaughterhouse that keeps each animal from seeing the fate of the one in front it. Now, fully one-third of slaughterhouses in the United States have adopted this curved shoot.

Some might argue that if she really felt empathy for these animals, she would be a vegetarian and work to convince others to be vegetarians. Perhaps this is so. Yet her approach is in some ways close to that of Shinran (1173–1262), the first and foremost teacher of the Shin Buddhist path. In Shinran’s time there were farmers, fishermen, butchers, and grave diggers, many of whom relied on taking the lives of other beings or of benefiting from their deaths for their own livelihood. Recognising how he was implicated in the suffering of the world, Shinran chose to become one with all beings rather than set himself apart from them. In this way, he could share with them the path of Amida Buddha’s compassion, through which each being is also gradually transformed into a vessel of compassion.

Amida Buddha (from the Sanskrit, Amitabha Buddha) means the Awakened One of Infinite Light, but to express its dynamic character, it can be understood as the awakening of infinite light. Shin Buddhism focuses on the practice of intoning the name of Amida Buddha. Namu Amida Butsu means roughly, “I entrust myself to Amida Buddha.”

Turning bad into good, tenmaku jozen, is at the heart of the Pure Land path, in which the limited self of foolish being is transformed into the boundless compassion of Amida. Like Temple Grandin, it may be that ordinary human beings can sometimes be insensitive to the feelings of others, but unlike her, we may not yet be aware of our shortcomings. To the degree that we become aware that we are foolish beings, we are illuminated by boundless compassion. Namu is “foolish being”; Amida Butsu is “boundless compassion.” Amida walks with us step-by-step, as it were, as we discover our foolishness. Namu Amida Butsu is the expression of foolish being coming to be embraced, resolved, and dissolved in the limitless flow of Amida’s primal vow, which is the vow to realise the oneness of ego-self and Amida-self, the oneness of all beings in the ocean of compassion.

CULTIVATING BEGINNER’S MIND, RETURNING TO FOOLISH BEING

It is one thing to understand the working of shinjin, of true entrusting in the primal vow, at an intellectual level and even to have some feeling for the way it unfolds. However, it is difficult to live in the continual awareness of Amida’s compassion. We may gain some understanding by further study, but the continual sense of openness to the limitless possibilities of life is virtually impossible to maintain. As Shunryu Suzuki states,

In Japan we have the phrase shoshin, which means “beginner’s mind.” The goal of practice is always to keep our beginner’s mind. Suppose you recite the Prajnaparamita Sutra only once. It might be a very good recitation. But what would happen to you if you recite it twice, three times, four times, or more? You might easily lose your original attitude toward it. The same thing will happen in your other Zen practices. For a while you will keep your beginner’s mind, but if you continue to practice one, two, three years or more, although you may improve some, you are liable to lose the limitless meaning of original mind��.

If your mind is empty, it is always ready for anything; it is open to everything. In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities; in the expert’s there are few.

This does not mean that we should forget everything and become raw beginners. Rather, the true expert is the one who makes use of her knowledge without becoming attached to it. Approaching each situation with a fresh and open mind, she can really use her knowledge by becoming attentive and responsive to the ever-changing, actual conditions of the present moment.

Honen, Shinran’s teacher, similarly emphasised the importance of becoming free of any pretence of knowledge, especially with regard to the spiritual path. Shinran quotes his teacher, saying, “The person of the Pure Land path attains birth in the Buddha Land by returning to his foolish self.”

No one was more aware of the difficulty of maintaining beginner’s mind, of truly realising one’s foolish being, than Shinran himself. His follower Yuien asked him about this very point, saying, “Although I say the Name, I rarely experience joyful happiness, nor do I have the desire to immediately go to the Pure Land. What should be done about this?” To which Shinran replied,

I, Shinran, have been having the same question also, and now you, Yuien, have the same thought…. It is the working of blind passion which suppresses the heart that would rejoice and prevents its fullest expression. All this the Buddha already knew and called us foolish beings filled with blind passion; when we realise that the compassionate vow of other-power is for just such a person like myself, the vow becomes even more reliable and dependable.

Normally when we hear about “beginner’s mind” or “foolish being,” we tend not to really listen and instead think that these are ideas about something or someone else. Yet, according to Shinran, there is no time or place that we can realise the meaning of these things apart from the present moment. It is precisely this self in this moment, filled with blind passion and foolishness, and thereby unable to feel the flow of Amida’s vow, that is being called by life itself to join the great flow of boundless compassion. Like a lonely boat afloat on the ocean whose occupant is afraid of sinking, we do not realise that it is actually the ocean itself that keeps us afloat. In fact, when we come to truly trust in the deep currents of life, then we know we should dive right into the ocean of compassion. When we realise that the vow of Amida, the boundless flow of life itself, is waiting for no one else but us, then “the vow becomes even more reliable and dependable.”

This also describes the relationship between self-power, jiriki, and other-power, tariki — between foolish beings and Amida Buddha. There is no other-power apart from self-power. In each moment, by exerting ourselves to the fullest, by diving into life, we are simultaneously shown our foolishness — the limits of self-power — and illuminated by boundless compassion, which is other-power. Thus Shinran describes the two types of deep entrusting that are complementary: deeply entrusting oneself to self-power and deeply entrusting oneself to other-power. Without the one, the other cannot be realised. As the Shin Buddhist teacher and poet Kai Wariko sings,

The voice with which I call Amida Buddha Is the voice with which Amida Buddha calls to me. Becoming One with All Beings

As one gradually deepens awareness of the true self, the gentle awareness of foolish being becomes second nature and foolish being merges with boundless compassion. Of course, Amida’s compassion was always there, but for us human beings, the realisation of this oneness takes time, just as a reluctant child learns to swim by first slowly dipping his toes in the water.

As awareness deepens, the spiritual sojourner realises that all beings have always been there in oneness. We can see this by exploring the simple question, who am I? Am I husband, teacher, son, Japanese, American, Japanese-American? Am I made of blood, muscle, and bone, or do I think of myself more in terms of my mind? At one time, I was nothing more than an embryo in my mother’s uterus. Receiving the nourishment that came through the umbilical cord, her body became my body, her dinner mine. But did I not also receive the personality and character of my parents? Of my grandparents?

And what of my life ever since my physical birth? I have received nourishment, both physical and mental. Through experiences with other beings, they have become one with me so that I could live today. Even the hearts and minds of ancient peoples enter into me through words on a page and images in ink and stone. Their legacy includes their accomplishments, yes, but also their failures and sufferings, which become one with mine to teach me about the deep bonds of humanity and all sentient beings. As Thich Nhat Hanh sings,

Look deeply: I arrive in every second to be a bud on a spring branch to be a tiny bird, with wings still fragile, learning to sing in my new nest, to be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower, to be a jewel hiding itself in a stone.

I still arrive, in order to laugh and to cry, in order to fear and to hope, the rhythm of my heart is the birth and death of all that is alive….

I am the 12-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat, who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea pirate, and I am the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and loving….

Please call me by my true names, so I can wake up and so the door of my heart can be left open, the door of compassion.

The more I reflect, the more difficult it is to draw the line between my life and the life of others: family, friends, dogs, cats, birds, the sky, the moon, and the stars. In each moment, the deep interconnections between my life and that of all other beings come to life. It is only when I look away, hoping to create connections in a world of abstractions, that I lose my way. Seeing this profound web of interdependence, Shinran states,

I, Shinran, have never even once uttered the Name for the sake of my father and mother. The reason is that all beings have been fathers and mothers, brothers and sisters, in the timeless process of birth and death. When I attain Buddhahood in the next birth, each and every one will be saved.

In the path of Pure Land, intoning the Name, Namu Amida Butsu, affirms the oneness of all beings and expresses becoming one with them. Since this cannot be realised apart from the present moment, here and now, it is important to recognise that there is no realisation of true compassion apart from each recitation of the sutras, each bow, each utterance of the Name — in fact, each activity throughout the day. Paradoxically, the realisation that “all beings are one with me” moves one to become one with all beings. The Pure Land of oneness is already here, and yet I have not realised it.

EXPERIENCES OF BOUNDLESS COMPASSION

When one tastes deeply the flavor of compassion, one is able to see moments of positive significance in times of difficulty and to see more clearly the web of interdependence as it informs one’s life.

Second World War internee Shinobu Matsuura relates an episode from her husband, Issei’s, life as they lived separated in distant internment camps in the United States. Reverend Issei Matsuura was presiding over the funeral of a friend who had died in the camp. Listening to the simple ceremony in the stark setting of the camp, one of the guards became curious and began to ask him about the Buddhist teachings.

“How does a person gain salvation?” asked the guard.

“Good person, evil person, all beings will be saved,” replied Issei.

“You mean they repent and reform and then they are saved?”

“No. Just be embraced in the Great Compassion, and recite the Name, and one is saved as he is.” “Where does one go?”

“Pure Land.”

“But, if the good and evil ones are saved as they are, won’t they keep on fighting as they did in this world?”

My husband, in his own kind of English, with earnest zeal, explained the universality of the pure taste of water. “Everyone, all beings, become Buddha. It is a boundless teaching.”

The ones under guard, the guard, all forgot their differences. The sun was down already. In the snowy night, they reached the prison in mutual warmth.

Even in such difficult circumstances, the Shin path can provide an opening into the heart of compassion for those who have been defined as enemies by the external world. Mrs. Matsuura also relates her own experience during a period of difficulty. When we become troubled or preoccupied, we often become inattentive to our surroundings, which then reflect our inner state back to us. Mrs. Matsuura describes this relationship in terms of an experience with a plant that she had bought but had neglected due to her own recent struggles:

One day I was agitated about something. I was in low spirits and out of sorts. By chance, my eyes glanced at the plant forgotten in the corner of the room. It had withered and appeared miserable. I can see myself reflected in the plant. When in anger, there is no warmth, no peace, no flexibility, just like this dried up plant. Once in a while, when someone compliments me, I am elated and swell proudly. But one small false step and immediately I shrivel and freeze…. Indeed I am just like the plant.

At once, I put the plant in the sunlight and gave it fresh water. Before my eyes, it glistened, fresh and alive. The pure strength, the growing image, and I, too, became calm, and in joy, I became encouraged…. Around us, immeasurable dharma flows and unbound compassion shines.

When one is steeped in the Buddha’s teaching for one’s whole life, the feeling of compassion overflows to encompass all things, even objects. Ryokan expresses this eloquently in a poem about his begging bowl:

I’ve forgotten my begging bowl but no one would steal it no one would steal it— how sad for my begging bowl

As Jason Rabbitt-Tomita explains,

Ryokan did not say “How lucky for me, I can keep my bowl!” Rather, his own gain is a cause for sadness for what most consider an “inanimate object.” This is an attitude showing thankfulness for all life. In a strict sense, the compassion he feels for his bowl is not “Ryokan’s” compassion; instead, compassion encompasses him and all beings until Ryokan becomes all beings and all beings become Ryokan. He bows before his bowl; he plays with the children; he suns the lice from his shirt on the windowsill, and then places them back in his shirt. Bowing towards each thing in life, the Name arises of itself. Namu Amida Butsu.

REALISING THE PURE LAND

Shinran makes a distinction between two key moments in the realisation of the Shin path: the moment of shinjin, or true entrusting, in which the foolish being entrusts herself to Amida Buddha as her deepest reality, and the moment of death, when one enters the Pure Land, nirvana, emptiness. The reason that the moment of true entrusting and the entrance into the Pure Land are not completely the same is due to our karmic limitations. The distinction between the two is roughly equivalent to the difference between the historical Buddha Shakyamuni’s attainment of nirvana at the age of thirty-five and his entrance into parinirvana at eighty. The initial nirvana is known as “nirvana with a remainder” because, while he was still in his limited mind and body, negative karmic residue remained. Although he was a great and enlightened teacher, he also fell physically ill, he had disagreements with disciples, and the sangha was beset by political turmoil and split into two. When he left this world and the limitations of his body and mind, he entered complete nirvana, or parinirvana.

Similarly, one attains true entrusting in this life and enters the complete Pure Land in the next. The Pure Land has always been there underfoot, yet we cannot fully see it until we become free of the blind passions that are an inevitable part of life. Though seemingly illogical, this is the reality of life for the Shin Buddhist: the vow to bring all beings into the Pure Land has already been accomplished by Amida Buddha, but we must continue our journey on the path to the Pure Land. In fact, precisely because the path has already been laid out for us, we see that we are not there yet. Deep down, we sense the oneness of the flow of reality, and thereby we are moved to realise it in each moment of life. We say Namu Amida Butsu beginning with ourselves (Namu), but it is Amida Butsu, Amida Buddha, that brings one to the realisation of Namu, one’s foolishness.

BEYOND LIMITED NOTIONS OF LIFE AND DEATH

It is said that what set the Buddha Shakyamuni on his path to seek enlightenment was the sight of old age, sickness, and death. To grow old, become ill, and die is as much a part of our human nature as anything else. In fact, to truly live, we must be able to acknowledge and embrace all of this. If death is truly part of us, then it dwells deep within us, even among those who are in seemingly robust health.

Amida’s compassion, boundless life, is beyond preconceived ideas of life and death. At each step in life, this boundless oneness is always there, and great compassion awaits one at death just as it does at every turn in life. In the depths of the human heart, life and death are as one in the great flow of existence. Aoki Shinmon, a Buddhist mortician, was washing his hands after preparing the corpse of a young mother for burial. As he dumped the water from a bucket into a bamboo grove, he saw a dragonfly whose belly shone with the translucent light of a belly filled with eggs:

As I was doing the coffining surrounded by people crying, no tears came, but when I saw the eggs shining in this dragonfly, tears filled my eyes. This tiny dragonfly dying after just a few weeks has been bearing eggs in unbroken succession to perpetuate its life form from hundreds of millions of years past. As I thought of this, tears started to flow and would not stop.

The name of Amida Buddha leads beyond the usual separation of life and death into oneness of reality.

In the Japanese tea ceremony, there is the expression ichigo ichie, “one time, one meeting.” Although we may see family and friends on a daily basis, if we really think about it, each meeting is the first and last. As the Greek philosopher Heraclitus states, one cannot step in the same river twice. Each time we meet a person, however familiar, they have changed, and we have also changed, so that the encounter is unique, for that time only. When the inexorable force of the vow, of the power of life itself, breaks through our foolish complacency to make us realise the preciousness of each moment, then we are moved to utter the six-syllable Name, Namu Amida Butsu.

This life, wholly unexpected I receive this moment now. Unlimited suffering Boundless compassion Namu Amida Butsu Namu Amida Butsu

[talabib]

A Roadmap To Getting Out Of Debt

In the twenty-first century, many millennials are deep in debt. They’re struggling to pay their rent and working in insecure jobs. Despite being in their twenties and thirties, they find themselves a long way from owning their own home or having enough money to ever start a family. And this generation has had some rotten luck – after the 2008 economic crisis, years of austerity have only made things worse. For so many young people today, lasting financial security is a passing daydream. 

If you’re in the same boat, it’s easy to despair. But there’s good news – help is on the way. You’ll discover the fundamental truths about your relationship to money, and the hang-ups that hold you back. And you’ll find a roadmap to getting yourself out of debt, effective budgeting, and appreciating the simpler things when the simpler things are all you have. 

If you’re struggling with your finances, it may be because the circumstances are outside of your control. 

Are you one of those people who can’t bear to check their bank balance at an ATM? Do you push warning letters from the bank under a pile of magazines, far out of sight? You’re not alone.

If your finances are a mess, take a breath. While it’s important to take ownership of your situation and take steps to get back on track, not all of it is your fault. When it comes to money, one thing that puts many people at a disadvantage is a lack of financial knowledge.

Consider the state of financial education. In UK schools, there is none – not a single class on the subject. So when, at 16- or 18-years-old, students leave for either work or university, most don’t have the faintest idea about savings, debt, or mortgages. 

Instead, financial education is a job that’s often left to parents. And that can be a lottery – lots of people aren’t born to parents who know about money. Though they might be able to teach lots of other valuable things, it’s a rare few who’ll know about, say, investing or mortgages. 

As well as being disadvantaged by a lack of financial education, lots of young people are also affected by the broader economic situation. Since the 2008 financial crisis, many people have struggled through no fault of their own. In the United Kingdom, things are especially dire. The Conservative government has watered down protections that once guaranteed job security and rising wages. And, with secure work hard to come by, it’s become more difficult to put money aside – whether toward a pension, for a home, or even to avoid going into debt.

This financial insecurity is a much bigger problem than individual failings. In January 2019, the average UK household debt stood at £15,400. It’s clearly a bigger problem than people overspending on holidays, clothes, and trendy furniture they’ve seen on Instagram!

While there are concrete things you can do to improve your financial position, it’s important to remember: it’s not all your fault.

When it comes to money problems, there’s often one big emotion at the heart of it all, and that’s shame.

Imagine a happy family: two beautiful kids, a big house in the suburbs, both parents with stimulating, fulfilling jobs. 

Except one of the parents keeps a shameful secret: through a mixture of generosity and carelessness, he’s spent far more than he can afford on credit cards and saddled himself with significant debt. For months, he’s not said a word of it to his spouse, but now that debt has begun to disturb the family’s financial security. 

It’s a situation that’s far too common. And, just as this hypothetical parent found, with shame comes silence and a desire to stick your head in the sand and try not to think about it. You let the phone ring when the bank calls, hide your bank statements, and change the subject whenever money comes up. Shame prevents you from taking action when you’ve dug yourself into a hole.

Sometimes, the financial problem is bound up with other, deeper feelings of shame, too. Take the Jane’s own story. When she was 21, her father died, and she inherited £10,000. But rather than save the money for later in life, she used it to travel to Bali. Soon, it was all gone. The secret shame of frittering away her inheritance pained her for many years. 

This is where admitting your problems comes in. Whether it’s credit card debt or a lost inheritance, the best thing you can do is be accountable. Because only then can you deal with it. Owning up to your flaws doesn’t mean beating yourself up; it helps you to escape the terrible blanket of silence and inaction that shame throws over you.

In the case of Jane, if she’d opened up about spending her inheritance on a holiday, perhaps she wouldn’t have felt so dreadful. When you’re blinded by grief, it’s natural to want to escape to somewhere far away. Perhaps she would have found out that it’s what many people would’ve done in a similar situation. 

By owning up to your mistakes, you reduce the shame you feel. Because after you’ve done that, it’s no longer an awful gremlin on your back but something that you are in the process of setting straight.

If you think social media is causing money problems, take a step back to get your finances under control. 

When you’re just scraping by financially, it can be disheartening to scroll through social media and see people living perfectly curated lives. Endless snaps of infinity pools, beautiful sunsets, or horseback rides through sunlit fields can make you feel like you’re missing out. It can also make your own financial situation worse.

Take this example from Mary as a warning. While on maternity leave in 2018, she spent countless hours scrolling through Instagram and admiring the beautiful rooms she saw there, dreaming up ways to improve her own under-furnished house. Even though she was in debt, she began to spend lots of money on redecorating.

For Mary, this redecorating spree included buying stylish rugs, a fig plant, and expensive paint. Pretty soon, her Instagram account began to mirror those she’d been inspired by, but underneath the facade was lots and lots of debt. 

What, exactly, had happened? Having seen all these amazing rooms, she had been sucked into an online life of keeping up with the Joneses. On top of that, taking pictures of her newly decorated and styled rooms was contributing to a cycle of envy and spending. 

Happily, there are a number of ways to avoid this kind of behavior. The first is to do something real and get away from the images of other people’s lives. Try something that doesn’t involve the internet: like going for a walk or meeting a friend.

Second, when comparing your life with someone else’s supposedly perfect one, ask yourself if you’d actually swap places with them and give up everything you have. Would you sacrifice your family and friends? Would you give up your home and all the things you cherish, and instead inherit the other person’s? Chances are you’d think twice. 

This leads us to the final thing you can do: remember that a lot of what you see online is an illusion. Those “perfect” lives are rarely perfect. When someone posts a picture of their sunny balcony, you don’t see the argument they had that morning with their spouse. You don’t hear about their parent’s health problems. Remember, we only see what others want us to see. 

Finance can be a feminist issue.

Here’s a shocking statistic: in the United Kingdom, 64 percent of those who struggle with debt are women. 

Whether that’s because more women than men are in lower-paid jobs or that women have more unpaid commitments around family life, it highlights one thing: when it comes to money, there is a big gender disparity.

Take the gender pay gap. It’s barely shifted since 2012. And even though there’s been lots of publicity and discussion around the issue, it’s not getting any better. Why? In short, because there’s a continuing lack of transparency.

In many workplaces, pretty much the only thing that employees aren’t allowed to discuss openly is money. Specifically, how much each of them is earning. With this level of secrecy, it’s hard for women to know if they’re being paid more, or less, than their male colleagues. 

There are other forms of gender discrimination around finances, too. In the United Kingdom, so-called “pink taxes” mean women pay more than men for the same products, like razors and deodorants. And the menstrual cycle itself is punishingly expensive, costing an average of £4,800 over the course of a woman’s lifetime.

But one of the biggest strains on a woman’s finances comes after having children. In fact, in the United Kingdom, statutory maternity pay is so low that lots of women end up in poverty if they don’t have savings or a wealthy partner to fall back on. 

Then, as well as costing a lot to clothe and feed, having a child also means that women’s careers stall. When they do return to work and ask for part-time or flexible hours, they’re often denied the career opportunities they might have expected to get pre-pregnancy.

The British campaign group Pregnant Then Screwed sets out just how little progress has been made. According to their figures, every year, 54,000 women are pushed out of their jobs due to pregnancy; a third of employers say they avoid hiring women of childbearing age; and 44 percent of working moms say they now earn less than before they had children. Even now, in 2020, we have so much further to go. 

Concrete goal-setting is the best way out of financial difficulty.

If you’re in financial difficulty, the way forward can sometimes look like a swampy landscape, with no obvious route ahead. And when you’re trying to find your way out of that swamp – either by setting your finances straight or changing your behavior around money, you need clarity. 

The best way to achieve that clarity is when you can see there’s an end in sight – which is where setting goals comes in. You should form them with one very important consideration in mind: your happiness. It’s important to ask yourself: What, at the end of the day, makes you happiest?

This is crucial because you might find that what you thought you wanted doesn’t actually bring fulfillment. Let’s say that you spend lots of money on furniture, clothes, and accessories because you like keeping up with your friends. Yet, when you really get down to it, you find the joy you get from these purchases quickly wears off. And the debt you’re building up is giving you anxiety attacks. Perhaps your long-held goal of having more cash for shopping isn’t such a good idea after all. It might be something you should discard. 

Instead, reappraise and find the right goals. For Jane, this process involved writing down what she wanted to achieve and detailing exactly how each goal would make her happy. One aim was to buy her own home, a place where her children could play safely, and she could entertain friends and family. In thinking about how this would make her feel fulfilled, she noted that the stability of home-owning over renting was important to her mental well-being, that her children’s safety and contentment were crucial, and that seeing her friends and family made her happy.

Once you’ve clarified what your big goals are, you’ll be able to set lots of smaller goals to help you get where you want to go. That might be saving money by taking a packed lunch to work every day, or it might mean answering the phone to your creditors and not using your credit card for a month. 

Taking incremental steps will get you back on an even financial footing, especially if you do so alongside budgeting.

Review your finances systematically and make a clear budget so you don’t overspend. 

As we’ve just learned, if you want to reach your financial target – whether that’s getting out of a mountain of debt or saving up for a house – you need to get clear on what your goals are and take small steps to reach them. 

Of course, you still need a handle on your finances, so the next thing to do is set a budget. Happily, there are five steps that can help you construct your own saving and spending plan to budget successfully. 

The first involves taking a good look at your spending habits. Take a look back at your spending over a period of six months. You’ll probably see some patterns emerging – perhaps you spend too much on Prosecco from the corner store, or maybe you buy too many lottery tickets. It might make uncomfortable reading, but unless you can spot your patterns, you won’t make progress.

Second, look at your income and outgoings. Work out how much money you’re bringing in on a monthly basis. This is how much you have available at the start of each month. Now consider your fixed outgoings – these are the things you can’t do without, like rent, taxes, or childcare costs. If your outgoings exceed your income, then you really do have to rethink some of your fundamental commitments.

In step three, analyze your other regular outgoings. That includes the expenses that aren’t vital to your survival but enhance your quality of life – think Netflix or a magazine subscription. Go through these and cut out the ones you can do without. But if you can afford to keep some extra expenses, don’t be too hard on yourself. We all need a little pleasure, even when budgeting. 

Step four asks you to consider your variable expenses. These are things that change each month, like food, or fuel for your car. Although they’re essentials, you can often shop around for cheaper deals. 

Finally, step five is to look at what you have left. Once you’ve subtracted your essential living costs and non-negotiable outgoings, you’ll have a final sum that you can choose to save, use to pay off debt, or spend on things you love. It might take a little while to work out the right balance, and that’s totally fine. 

Budgeting isn’t all bad. There are also upsides to frugal living. 

Budgeting can be a real slog: it’s no fun living on plain noodles, having no heating on cold days, and spending nights in when all your friends are going out. Struggling with financial pressure is hard.

But, while this kind of austere life is OK – even needed sometimes – remember that life is short. You can still enjoy yourself while watching what you spend. Being frugal with your cash may even help you appreciate some things you might previously have overlooked. 

First, it’s time to flip your perspective so you see that buying new things isn’t the only way to happiness. Instead, find pleasure in hunting out used items that have real charm. If you’re looking for furniture, thrift stores are treasure troves with all sorts of items, often well-made and full of character. The same goes for clothes – you can fill a wardrobe with stylish retro outfits from the hangers of second-hand shops.

Second, experiences are better than possessions. Rather than spending what money you have on material things, why not plan a forest picnic, a day out to a museum, or a morning swim in the sea with a friend? All are much cheaper than a new designer rug or marble kitchen-top, and more satisfying, as you’ll remember them long after the event.

Third, a frugal lifestyle is more eco-friendly. Saving the world is a powerful motivator to cut down on harmful consumerism. What’s more, on an individual level, two of the most important changes you can make for the planet are limiting air travel and cutting out meat – both of which are, happily, also wallet-friendly! 

Fourth, don’t hide your money problems away. When you’re open about your frugal lifestyle, it can influence other people too. Hearing that others aren’t spending on expensive lifestyles can be a great relief, and by explaining your situation, you help soften attitudes toward those that also struggle with money.

Last, and perhaps most important of all, as you move away from materialism, you’ll find that it’s still possible to be generous. You can show someone that you care without spending a fortune on gifts. You can give them something much better than hastily chosen bath products or a set of candles – and that’s your time and attention.

Although it helps to be accountable for your financial problems, it’s important to understand that it’s not all your fault: your upbringing, gender, and the broader economic climate all play a part. When you are ready to take control of your financial situation, know that concrete goal-setting can really help. Just don’t forget to live your life. 

Action plan: Try coloring in to help you save money or pay off that debt.

To help you manage your finances better, take a sheet of squared paper and, for each time you make a saving or debt-payment, color in a box. By making your progress visual, you’ll be able to track just how far you’ve got to go before you can afford that dream holiday or clear your student debt.

[margaretbeagle]

Reflecting on 10 Years of Building Buffer

Today marks ten years since I launched the first version of Buffer. What started as a landing page to gauge interest, and then a very basic product that I worked on alone, has become so much more. Buffer is now a leading social media management platform and a team of nearly 90 people working remotely worldwide, with our own approach and culture.

Reaching this milestone means a lot for me, and I thought it would be interesting to reflect on each year of the Buffer journey. As you’ll see, things have changed enormously over time, and I could not be more proud of where we are now.

2010: After getting paying customers, I shifted the focus to marketing.

I launched Buffer on November 30th, 2010. One of the things that inspired me to launch earlier than I may have otherwise, was an initiative someone started on Hacker News called November Startup Sprint. I decided to participate and committed to launching the first version of Buffer by the end of November 2010, which I only just accomplished. Something I learned from this experience is that you’ll always have additional features or fixes you want to finish before you launch, but actually putting something out there in the world is really what starts momentum.

I employed many of The Lean Startup techniques in order to validate the problem and the existence of an audience before launching. Thankfully, these steps and a healthy dose of luck resulted in some strong initial traction for the product. I had the first paying customer within four days of launch.

After the first paying customer, I took a step back, acknowledged that as a significant milestone, and decided a slight shift in focus was required. As an engineer, it’s easy to keep building, adding more features. I knew it was time to focus on marketing and further customer development. This is what led me to bring on a co-founder. It was time to keep the balance of development, marketing, and customer development with a product that had proved it was “good enough.” It was clear that there would be more people out there who would find value even at the early stage. This has been a valuable lesson I’ve tried to maintain: when the signal is there that the product is good enough, shout about it!

Read more about how I went from an idea to paying customers in seven weeks.

2011: Transitioning to working full-time on Buffer.

2011 was a year of transition for me, from contract web development work to working full-time on Buffer. Before starting Buffer, I was doing what I called “working in waves,” a method to have enough funds to work full-time on a project for a certain period of time. The idea is that you work a full-time job or contract work for a set amount of time and then work full-time on your startup idea once you have enough funds to support yourself for a set amount of time. Having tried working in waves, I would not recommend it as a long term strategy. Read my thoughts.

With Buffer, I was completely focused on hitting ramen profitability. I sensed that if I could get there, it would change everything. Ramen profitability describes a situation where you’re making just enough to pay your living expenses. For me, that first goal was £1,200 per month.

We reached ramen profitability early in 2011, and I gradually dropped the number of days of contract development work I was doing as the revenue grew. My co-founder finished his college year and had the summer free to focus entirely on Buffer. We decided to get on a plane and travel to what we thought of as Startup Mecca, San Francisco. This was, in fact, my first ever trip to the U.S., which I now call home. Later in 2011, strong revenue growth combined with a year of working on Buffer and some great education from AngelPad allowed us to raise $450,000.

2012: Becoming a fully remote company.

Becoming a fully remote company is a decision I made in 2012. During the few months I spent focused on whether to commit to Buffer being a distributed team, I sought advice from many people. I received some of the best advice from David Cancel, whom I had the chance to sit down and chat with over coffee. His key insight was that in his experience founding several companies so far, he has found that two scenarios work well, while one doesn’t work too well. He advised that we either be fully distributed or have everyone in the same office. David said that the time he had a main office with most people there and only one or two people working remotely didn’t work so well.

With this insight and further thinking, we became a fully distributed team. Here’s a screenshot from my email to the team sharing this news:

An email to the Buffer team about becoming a fully distributed company.

We immediately hired several people working remotely to quickly balance out the team from a group forming in San Francisco and ensure we were truly fully distributed. This was an immediate benefit to us, especially as a team focused on outstanding customer support since we quickly covered all time-zones. Read more about how I made the decision for Buffer to be fully remote.

Becoming fully remote didn’t mean we never met up in person, though. Over the years, we’ve found ways to incorporate annual retreats into our yearly planning and have prioritized this key time together for brainstorming, talking strategy, and setting the tone for the year ahead. See more about our past ten retreats in this post.

2013: Creating values and living by them.

In 2013, as we became a team of ten, we decided to articulate and document our company values. At the time, I knew we had already formed a strong culture, so I polled the team to ask them how they would describe it. From there, we came up with our original Buffer values.

The original ten Buffer values.

One of our more unique values, default to transparency, which is the value that Buffer is known by the most, was put to the test this same year. In late 2013, Buffer was hacked. We shared transparently and quickly with our customers and the broader public what had happened and what we were doing about it. We alerted our community to the breach before knowing the source of it, and we provided updates on our progress every few hours for the first few days. Both our community and the public responded well to this openness, reinforcing my theory at the time that bugs and downtime can be a good thing, as long as they are rare and handled with great care.

We further committed to this value by making our salaries transparent at the end of 2013, which resulted in a spike of applications for open Buffer jobs, and is a step I believe contributed significantly to growing our brand.

Check out our transparency page to see a full timeline of transparency at Buffer.

2014: Our largest acquisition offer and deciding not to sell Buffer.

In the early years, we received a number of acquisition offers. The earliest offer we had for Buffer was not long after we had started, and it felt fairly easy for us to say no simply because we felt we had much more growth ahead and wanted to see where our path would lead.

However, in 2014 we received our largest acquisition offer to date. It was a nine-figure offer from a public company, and it stopped us in our tracks and made us truly step back and reflect. For myself, my co-founder, and for most of our team with early-stage stock options grants, it would have been a life-changing outcome. An offer like that drives existential questioning, making you really think about the purpose and fulfillment of what you’re doing. Ultimately, we believed there was significantly more growth from where we were, and we have since increased revenue 6x. Beyond the growth potential, however, it was the culture and the movements we had become part of (transparency and remote work, in particular), which led us to turn the offer down and continue on our path. The most memorable advice we received during this decision process was from Hiten Shah, who asked us simply, “Are you done?”.

Money will come and go, but experiences and learning is what I define as true wealth. This is why I try to frame a decision of whether to sell around the opportunities for learning and experience in each path. I reflected on how if I sold Buffer, I would sacrifice many future learnings. I asked myself if and when I would ever have the learning opportunity I did for the years ahead from that stage of Buffer. Here’s a longer post reflecting on not selling Buffer.

I made the decision to continue learning with Buffer, and this is a decision I feel great about to this day. Instead of an acquisition, we raised $3.5 million in late 2014 with a secondary liquidity component, in part to remove the pressure to sell and help us go long. Here I am six years later, still energized and happy with my gradual return, so overall, I believe that worked out. More recently, I’ve been focused on finding ways to separate exit from liquidity for myself and the whole team. This helps us take a genuinely long-term view on the business.

2015: Exploring self-management.

In 2015, after reading Reinventing Organizations, the entire team voted and agreed to become self-managed. We reorganized Buffer into a completely flat structure. At first, this felt energizing and invigorating. There was a great sense of freedom and ownership. Over the course of a few months, things started to feel off. People were easily lost, especially those that had just joined Buffer. More experienced people often didn’t quite see a place to help out and share ideas around which direction a project could take. The amount of freedom people had, with absolutely no guidance, expectations, or accountability, was pretty overwhelming.

Our self-management setup was a partial success for customers. One of the experiments we pursued during this time was to create a team specifically aimed at launching new functionality rapidly for customers. We launched Pablo, our popular image creation product, out of this team. The main challenge we found with these types of projects is resourcing, maintaining, and improving them over time. We’ve since become more deliberate about what we choose to launch rapidly while maintaining our culture of experimentation.

We eventually decided to move away from self-management. This period will always hold a special place in my heart, though I believe ultimately we are better placed with some hierarchy and structure. It reinforced to me that it’s okay to try big experiments and to go in knowing that not all of them will work. This is a mindset we’ve kept at Buffer and has helped us continue to experiment with the way we work. This type of exploration and playfulness generally becomes harder to do as you grow larger, and the boldness, optimism, and curiosity that it requires is something that I’m committed to supporting.

2016: Launching Reply, then facing cash-flow challenges and layoffs.

Early in 2016, we launched Buffer Reply, which was the result of an acquisition and a lot of great work to adapt the product to make it feel like a Buffer offering. This was a bold move to expand beyond social media marketing and into social customer service. As a company, we had always held ourselves to a very high bar for customer service, and we found the tools out there for managing customer service on social media to be lacking. We had some success with Reply, and over the next few years, grew monthly revenue from $4k at acquisition to over $70k at its peak. Ultimately, we found that the need for customer service on social media was less widespread and didn’t develop as we imagined it may, and also found that we were spreading ourselves thin with taking on very different types of products and customer segments, so we sunset Reply in 2020. The experience of Reply increased our ambitions as a company, launched us to serving more than a single customer job, and paved the way for us to build a social engagement tool, which is coming in early 2021.

After we concluded our self-management experiment, we felt a drive to grow the team more rapidly again. We ultimately grew from 34 to 94 people. With team growth, however, comes the need for new systems, and existing approaches start to show cracks and feel ineffective. Our revenue growth, while strong, didn’t keep pace with hiring, and we found ourselves in financial challenges.

With the prospect of only five months of runway before depleting our cash reserves, we made the excruciating decision to lay off ten team members. What was more disappointing than anything was that this was totally within our control. It was all caused by the fact that we grew the team too big, too fast. We thought we were being mindful about balancing the pace of our hiring with our revenue growth, but we weren’t. One of our advisors gave us an apt metaphor for what happened: We moved into a house that we couldn’t afford with our monthly paycheck.

A chart showing our bank balance projections for 2016.

We made an important yet challenging decision to solve our financial challenges ourselves rather than raising a bridge round of funding to see us through. It was a painful process to go through, and I’ve now experienced first-hand the loss of morale, the negative impact on culture, and the erosion of trust that layoffs can cause. This is especially true for a small, tight-knit, and mission-driven team. With all of that said, I’m grateful for the personal and company growth that this enabled for us. We immediately leveled up our financial operations and set down a commitment to financial stability.

This experience led us to truly figure out sustainability at Buffer and understand how we could be around long term. I believe we’re better off as a company for this and have developed some strong financial principles for our company, which have led to us being around and self-sustaining four years on. I’m proud of the results we have to show for these efforts. We’ve been profitable every quarter since we made these layoffs; eighteen straight quarters of profitability.

2017: Recommitting to a single path, stabilizing the company, experiencing co-founder conflict, and the lows of burnout.

2017 was perhaps the hardest year of the Buffer journey so far. After a difficult 2016, I focused on stabilizing the company, mending the erosion of trust with the team, and charting a clear, singular, and enduring direction for the company going forward. In the midst of this, significant conflict developed between myself and my co-founder, and several investors became involved in the disputes. This contributed to some of the lowest points of my career and experiencing severe burnout.

In the earlier part of the Buffer journey, we were lucky to have it all: great growth, funding on fantastic terms, building a generous, positive, inclusive culture, and maintaining a lot of individual freedom. Over time, some of these things started to feel like trade-offs, and we started to debate our path. Rapid growth vs. freedom, focus on culture vs. product, performance vs. nurturing. I don’t fundamentally believe these things must be at odds, but in late 2016, it felt that way to all of us. My co-founder and I started to increasingly fall on different sides of these choices. What was once a beautiful balance of complementary strengths and opinions felt like constant misalignment and mixed messages to the team. After many attempts at finding common ground, we agreed we had grown apart and developed differing visions. In early 2017, my co-founder and our CTO both moved on from Buffer.

After this significant change, I focused on stabilizing the company for the team and in terms of our financials. I articulated a clear path for the company focused on sustainable growth, product quality, and an empowering company culture. We had great revenue growth, and I made a decision to pause hiring for most of 2017 in order to build our profitability. We went from burning $30-150k per month in early 2016 to consistently generating more than $300k in monthly profit in 2017.

After an initial amicable parting and starting to meet as friends rather than co-workers, we started to open up about lingering unsaid frustrations. With this, resentment started to grow between my co-founder and I, specifically around the timing and scale of liquidity he could expect. Admittedly, as the CEO of an 85+ person company just recently coming out of layoffs and significant leadership change, this wasn’t my top focus. All of this led to high stress, low energy and capacity, negativity, and stubbornness. This also drove challenges in my relationship with my partner, Jess. I’m happy to say we got through it and got married in 2019.

Throughout all of this, I can look back and see that while I was exercising and keeping myself in good shape, as well as feeling optimistic about the future of Buffer, it was adrenaline that was carrying me forward. By the spring of 2017, the company felt much more stable, and the adrenaline was no longer needed. As soon as the adrenaline subsided, my body and mind could suddenly feel what it had worked through. That’s when burnout hit me, and I felt unable to function effectively. With great support from my leadership team, I took a six-week break to recharge and came back much better equipped to take on the rest of the year.

Read my full experience with burnout here.

2018: Spending $3.3 Million buying out investors.

After recommitting to a path of long-term sustainability in 2017, I had conversations with our main venture capital investors, and it became clear that our choice of path was not a great fit for the investment. Thankfully, we had been open about this possibility when we raised the funding back in 2014, and so we were able to open up conversations about a way to move forward. These discussions were challenging and uncomfortable, but pushing ahead with them allowed us to ensure Buffer was set up to run independently in the long-term.

These discussions, and over a year and a half of profitability, resulted in our ability to spend $3.3 Million buying out our VC investors. This was one of the most important decisions I’ve made in the Buffer journey so far. This was a key inflection point for Buffer that put us truly on a path of sustainable, long-term growth, and we’ve been better off for the significant increase in alignment in our shareholder base. I’m grateful to our VC investors for being open to this solution and to our many remaining investors who are excited about this unusual path.

A timeline of funding history. 

At times, this move towards stability and setting ourselves up for the future has felt like a slow journey and has drawn focus away from customers, which I have found painful. With that said, this is foundational work on the core of the company — ownership — and has set us up to be able to be more customer-focused and have less distractions going forward. Additionally, it has helped us to maintain and continue to craft a company culture that puts people over profit, something I believe will pay dividends for years to come. With the benefit of hindsight, these decisions have driven long-term benefits for Buffer. For example, we figured out how to be profitable and sustainable, and as a result, we were better set up for unknown future events like the impact of COVID-19 and the global pandemic on our customers, team, and finances.

2019: Creating balance and setting myself and Buffer up to scale sustainably.

2019 was a different year for me in many ways. On the personal side of things, I established a routine living in Boulder, I got married, and refocused on hobbies like skiing. This was the year that I really worked on integrating my work and personal lives, rather than taking the early-stage mentality of sacrificing my personal life, relationships, and hobbies in order to spend more time and energy on work. While we had become financially sustainable, I truly believe this personal change made it sustainable for me to keep operating as CEO in the long-term.

At Buffer, after two eventful and foundation-building years for the company itself, I decided to turn this thinking to my role. Something that clicked for me towards the end of 2018 was that I would significantly benefit from setting up a support system around myself. Without an active co-founder, it became that much more critical that I have other types of support to fill that gap. I decided to take a new approach this time, putting together a group of people rather than relying on a single person. In late 2018, I brought on a new Executive Assistant and tasked her with helping me to form this support network, which I decided would include a coach, a financial advisor, and regularly connecting with other founders. In addition, I was regularly meeting with a therapist since mid-2017. By the end of 2019, this support system was fully established, and I am confident this group has made me a better leader over time.

2019 also marked the beginning of starting to reflect on my role, and the initial step I took towards the end of the year was to make a decision to hire a Product leader. This was the final area of the company I chose to fully let go of, and we recently brought on a great CPO to lead us and level up our product strategy, quality, and operations.

2020: Building a resilient company and taking a step back to think about purpose.

We are almost at the end of 2020, and I think calling this a tough year would be an understatement for many. This year our focus was on building a resilient company.

I started the year traveling and taking some time off in Thailand and New Zealand. As part of this, I had a chance to step back and start to reflect on what we had achieved and where I may want to take the company next. A level of clarity started to emerge about the type of customer, and type of company, that I feel energized to work towards.

Of course, by the end of February, COVID-19 was taking hold and already starting to impact many countries around the world. We were lucky at Buffer, as a fully distributed team with several people in Asia, that we had an early warning, and it became clear quickly that this would be a global challenge. We canceled our upcoming company retreat to Greece and start to focus on how to get the company through this period as unscathed as possible. Our mantra for the year became resilience, with a focus on people over profit and mental well being. A key decision I made was that I wanted to get through the year accruing the least debt possible in terms of impact on the team, issues such as burnout, customer satisfaction, and our financial position. We set up a COVID-19 customer assistance program, reduced some of our performance criteria and deadline focus, and implemented a 4-day workweek pilot.

This year, we experienced the worst customer churn we’ve ever seen at Buffer as thousands of our small business customers struggled to adapt and survive. We saw a consistent decline in revenue from mid-March to mid-June, and throughout that period, we crafted countless new projections and scenarios to ensure we could emerge in a strong position. Thankfully, the decline eased off, and since mid-June, we’ve seen modest growth.

With the financial impact of the pandemic stabilizing, I was able to turn back to some of the reflections I had around Buffer’s purpose and my CEO role. I worked with my coach and arrived at clarity that what we’ve always been focused on at Buffer is helping small businesses to succeed and do good along the way by providing tools to grow and serve an audience and inspirational content to rethink how businesses are built. As for my role, I’ve realized that the next key evolution is in truly reflecting on the work that energizes me versus the work that drains me. I love to focus on the high level of bold vision and strategy and the details around customer experiences and our culture. The in-between of operations and keeping the train running on time is less fun for me. I’ve been shifting my role, and Caro, our Chief of Special projects and someone I’ve now worked with on Buffer for over eight years has been stepping into operations to give us the best long-term outcomes.

One of our all-hands meetings.

It’s been powerful to take a step back and reflect on ten years of building a company. Looking back, there are a few additional observations I want to share.

In the early days, it’s easy to treat a startup as a sprint, but it’s really a marathon. It’s vital to pace yourself and take care of yourself. Regular rest is a necessity, and I’m going to continue to work towards incorporating rest and true vacations into my annual cycle. Additionally, as with life, there are seasons to a company. There have been stages of growth, market changes, and role evolutions. There are always periods with different focuses, and it is a continual journey towards ideal equilibrium.

I’ve learned that it’s hard to grow without compromising, and after doing so, you might have to work to find your purpose again. This is an example of the hard work it takes to create something enduring. If you are to be successful long-term, you have to take time to reflect and rediscover your passion, and sometimes make some bold changes to get back on track.

I’ve been fortunate and privileged and have achieved more than I could ever have dreamed of. I’m proud that Buffer has reached the 10-year mark and that with the help of many people, I’ve created a company that gives meaningful employment to over 85 people across the world. We’re far from perfect and still have much to improve and learn, but there’s a time to catch your breath and say, “we’ve created something awesome.” We have many people on the team who have been part of this wild ride for six, seven, even eight years now, and this blows my mind. It’s a significant part of any person’s life to spend working on something, and I couldn’t be more grateful to those people.

As I look ahead to 2021, while I’ve learned that it never gets easier, it’s always interesting, and there is never a dull week. My admiration for long-term companies has grown significantly. I find myself fascinated by companies that exist for decades and even more so by founders who find a way to keep evolving, increasing their ambition, and remaining energized.

I’m excited to continue on this path of long-term sustainability and thankful to have an incredible team to work with, thousands of happy customers, and a foundation of profitability. It has felt liberating to have a structure that allows us to think in terms of years rather than quarters. I’m ready to dig in for another decade and see the heights we can reach and the value we can provide.

Whether this is the first post of mine you’ve read, you’ve been following along since the beginning, or you’re somewhere in between, thank you for taking the time to read this as I reflect on this big milestone in Buffer’s history. I’m so thankful for the incredible community and customers we have around us that let us continue to do what we do every year.

Reflecting on 10 Years of Building Buffer published first on https://improfitninja.weebly.com/

[mariaclaragomez276]

Independent Minds: Marie & Annica Eklund, Villa La Madonna

Bringing the best of Scandinavian style to old-school Italian glamour, the concept of ‘slow living’ comes naturally to these impossibly chic Swedish sisters, Marie & Annica Eklund, along with trendy Stockholm-based daughter Linn, a flourishing fashion content creator. A passion for design and an impeccable eye for detail clearly runs in the family, whose combined creative efforts have made Villa La Madonna a true labour of love.

Image credit (right): @linneklund

Originally from Sweden, Marie’s story begins in South Africa where she met her late husband, Björn, whose family estate would later become their wedding venue and eventually her Italian home. Villa La Madonna, a timeless country house overlooking the Bormida Valley, is a place of great personal importance to its owners, where many memories have been made over the years. After establishing a successful textiles and flooring company, the call of the Piedmont countryside was too strong for Marie to resist, who returned with photographer and Creative Director Annica to restore the villa to its former glory, and look after the family legacy.

Cultivating the 16th-century vineyards has brought a sense of peace to Marie following her loss, while allowing both sisters to instil their own personalites, creativity, and what they like to call “casual luxury” within the already storied property. By projecting their sisterly serenity, time stands still at Villa La Madonna, where guests can experience the simple life of rural north-western Italy.

What was the inspiration behind the hotel, and where do you continue to find sources of inspiration?

The story began on a South African train in 1995. I was sat in one of the cabins. In another, sat a man who would, four years later, become my husband. We were married at Björn’s estate – Villa La Madonna – with the Bormida Valley as the breath-taking backdrop. Over the next ten years, the vineyard flourished, and Villa La Madonna in its guise as a simple, basic hotel was always full of enthusiastic guests.

In 2008 we decided to separate, the property was sold, and I moved back to Sweden to focus my love and energy on our family company BOLON. Tough economic times followed in Italy, visitors to Villa La Madonna became ever fewer, and the former glory days seemed to be extending further away as the new owners failed to keep up with the necessary renovations. When Björn passed away in 2014, I found out that Villa La Madonna was once again searching for new ownership.

I then felt a yearning to go back there. If for nothing else, for the sake of my children and to safeguard what their father had created in his 25 years at the vineyard. I booked the tickets and I was soon breezing along the gravel roads that wind through the many small local villages, this time with my sister Annica by my side. Returning to Piedmont was, in many ways, a return home. The people who had been in my life back in that other time were still there, as were the winding grapevines, the wonderful Piedmontese food and the gentle peaks on the horizon. The comfort and peace sowed a seed of an idea in us. To restore and refine the vineyard and help it find its way back to what it once was, fulfilling the potential of what it could become.

So Villa La Madonna for us is something special and close to our hearts, and we want our Italian home to be the home to all our guests and visitors.

What does being ‘Independently Minded’ as an hotel owner mean to you?

For us, as creative minds we believe it’s important with the freedom to be able to create the best possible hotel experience. We have the possibility to make changes quickly, we do not have to adapt to certain concepts and regalements. For a customer that is looking for a personal experience, a hotel with a story to tell, then Villa La Madonna is the right choice. We have put our heart and soul into our family run hotel, and our passion for design and details reflects the whole feeling of our hotel.

How would you describe your own perfect luxury experience?

When we arrive at a place that is genuine, we feel at ease and get inspired. What creates a real experience is the small details that are unexpected or just on a level that makes us say “wow”. Luxury is not about having the most expensive interior and details, it’s all about giving the guest an experience by making them feel something. It’s often the ones with real passion and love for what they do.

If you only had 24 hours to get a taste for your hotel experience, what would you recommend a guest must do?

Start a perfect day at Villa La Madonna by waking up to see the sunrise – make sure to view it from your own terrace to see the sun make its way over the vines. There is a special light here in the morning you can’t see anywhere else. It’s truly mesmerising when the sun and fog meet.

Before breakfast, either start the morning with a yoga class in our own yoga studio with beautiful views over the vineyard, or head for a refreshing powerwalk around the grounds. After the activities, then it’s time to head down to the piazza and have a cappuccino and enjoy a long breakfast.

Post breakfast, spend a couple of hours by the pool in the shade or sunshine, enjoying a book or a nice swim. The pool is in a truly special location, surrounded by rows upon rows of vines.

Head back to the piazza for a Piedmontese lunch, enjoying a glass of our own rosé wine or Spumante to complement the Vitello Tonnato dish.

During the afternoon, treat yourself with a relaxing massage before it’s time for aperitivo o’clock at the piazza. We suggest you drink a classic Aperol Spritz and enjoy our local wine farmer turned opera singer, Mario performing his favourite serenade, O’ Sole Mio.

An absolute must during a stay is of course to have a wine tasting in our impressive wine cellar with our talented sommelier and wine director Josh, before you have dinner in the restaurant. For dinner, you must try any of La Mama’s pasta dishes, especially the ones with truffle. We serve black truffle all year and white during the season. Our Agnolotti Al Sugo D’arrosto is the perfect choice when choosing the Primi courses on our menu, and of course you should drink a glass of Barolo when you are in Piedmont.

We recommend everyone to explore the surrounding area – Piedmont is beautiful from all parts and the views are spectacular. If you have time, visit the famous Barolo district to discover more about one of the world’s most famous wines.

How do you think your hotel stands apart from other boutique hotels?

We have a one-of-a-kind atmosphere and a very relaxing ambiance. We love to describe it as a casual luxury. Our guests enjoy outstanding, friendly family service, and genuinely feel at home while being away. At Villa La Madonna, it’s almost as though time doesn’t exist.

The post Independent Minds: Marie & Annica Eklund, Villa La Madonna appeared first on Small Luxury Hotels.

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[andrewuttaro]

Why USL is the future of American Soccer

Following domestic professional soccer in the United States can be really difficult at times. Beyond the streams, mechanics, and rules of the sport itself the politics and power dynamics of the leagues and supporters can leave one being yelled at on social media for reasons they don’t understand. To be honest it took me about two years after I started watching the domestic club game to fully understand why American Soccer twitter is angrier than normal twitter. There is no quick way to bring you up to speed so I’m going to see if I can do it in a paragraph before explaining why I think the family of leagues known as United Soccer League (USL) is the future of the Men’s Pro game here in America.

In most countries around the world each national federation oversees a system of Promotion/Relegation between the different levels of their domestic club leagues. The US Soccer Federation (USSF) works very closely with Major League Soccer (MLS) to keep that league solvent and therefore doesn’t care to implement Pro/Rel here and provide its owners with a “undue risk to their investment”. That is, on a nuts-and-bolts level, what makes the domestic game here so contentious. There are several other issues related to what one might call “Open Soccer” that orbit this central point. Additionally outside of MLS with its Top-Flight designation (Division 1) it is generally viewed as though the entire domestic club system here is built in a counter-competitive way to benefit those who buy into MLS and nobody else. From a financial standpoint that’s a tough point to argue with given the lifecycle of non-MLS Soccer clubs in this country. So that’s why American Soccer twitter is a mess other than just when the Men’s National Team sucks.

USL is often heaped in with MLS’ business model by the wide array of groups I’ll use the shorthand “rebels” for here. Rebels see the franchise model MLS (and every other topflight professional sports league in North America uses but don’t mention that to them) uses as a damper on American Soccer at best and a latent capitalist drain on the sport at worst. The problem with that belief is that USL’s leadership has, for almost a decade now, professed a much greater interest in the Open Model than MLS has ever dared. Jake Edwards, the USL President, a former English footballer in his own right, speaks favorably about the myriad ways he wants to open up competitive pro soccer in America at any opportunity. In addition to calling Pro/Rel a mid-term goal for his leagues, he has spoken of his determination for an inter-league trophy, helped build up an academy system for USL independent teams long before MLS was preparing to pull their support, and has even spoken to FIFA and the USSF about getting a CONCACAF Champions League spot for USLC. He’s done just about everything a lower division league President can do to “open soccer” apart from abolish expansion fees, market territories, and talk smack to the Federation.

So why are this nation’s soccer rebels married to the nascent National Independent Soccer Association (NISA) as the only acceptable pro soccer option for their pure view of the game? Yes, I understand the difference between a club and a franchise though most fans of sports the world round will not find it to be a meaningful distinction for their own entertainment. Forgive my bluntness. My soccer life has been a real roller coaster the last four years. My hometown Rochester Rhinos went on hiatus in 2017 and have only looked likely to return recently. The seasons without them have blended together in a mesh of insistence on amateur teams, revulsion from MLS, insistence on USL, acceptance of MLS, and finally just exhaustion with this crazy niche community of sports fans. And before you go there, rebels; no, I don’t blame my team’s troubles solely on “the MLS business model”. The sport sucks in this country not just because there is a way for some people to make money off it.

So here’s a fair shake for the rebels: the appeal of true sporting independence is enticing. When you watch the game oversees there is a charm to the idea little fourth tier Wycombe United could fight there way up the pyramid by pure sporting merit. Market forces poison the sport there too, just in less destructive ways for a variety of reasons. I also greatly respect the idea independence allows clubs to craft a product that is truly unique and exciting for local fans. When every other team in MLS is called something FC and exists 300 miles away from you there is something really cool about a local team with your colors and your own kids on it. The “economic justice” argument rebels often make about solidarity payments and the like are all too compelling and financially at least, the deck really is stacked against more locally-minded clubs.

All that said, independence for the sake of independence and “fighting the good fight” as if you’re on a religious crusade is not a good look and actually hurts your argument in the end. When we’re regularly dealing with issues bigger than soccer along the lines of Black Lives Matter and a profoundly sexist Federation that still refuses to pay the women fairly, it’s a little trite for one to speak of Pro/Rel as an inherent good that must be fought for at all costs. The struggles of the NWSL and the dominance of the Women’s National Team is still an afterthought in this country and you’re telling me I have to protest the franchise system like its British Rule of India? You’re losing the forest for the trees at that point.

USLC recently enticed NISA’s most appealing, community-focused brand in Oakland Roots SC to join the USL ecosystem. The move spawned rebel think pieces and twitter threads the world over. When Oakland made the NISA Fall Final versus Detroit anyone who was anyone on the Rebel Front felt the need to cheer for Detroit because traitors! After the collapse of the new NASL in 2017, USL poached numerous formerly independent minded teams from the rubble and though rebels will tell you NISA doing that with the amateur ranks is not poaching its really a moot point. We’re talking about the difference between the league controlling you’re IP and you telling them what to do with it and you owning your IP and telling yourself what to do with it. Some rebel arguments just rapidly descend into splitting hairs so finely that it seems more like a popularity contest than a really substantive fight. If most US Soccer rebels really wanted to have the substantive discussion that needs to happen they’d be a lot more open to the USL ecosystem than they seem to be. But no, it’s just easier to hiss at the Oakland Roots.

Though the title of this article may lead you to believe I’m a USL fanboy, I too really just want a compelling, local product to cheer for that won’t fold in three years. USL including USL-L1 and USLC (and perhaps sooner than you think a USL topflight league as well) is the future of American Soccer whether we like to admit it or not. USL is altogether organized and operated in a way that not only spurns the cold protectionism of the MLS but gives local brands a way to survive for the long term. Though a team like Indy Eleven started its life in NASL 2.0, it hasn’t exactly been altered unrecognizably by its participation in Indy Eleven. And don’t think its suffered for having come from a more independent minded league: the Eleven have been rather competitive big shots in USLC since they arrived. The way forward here isn’t unyielding factions, its accepting compromise.

MLS has abandoned USL. We’re on the brink of MLS pulling all its reserve (two) sides and other support from the USL ecosystem. I sincerely believe this partnership was the only thing holding Jake Edwards and USL back from being truly revolutionary. Once the ink is wet on “MLS Next” and USL has nothing but “independent” clubs within it, they will begin into all of the aforementioned Open Soccer reforms. They may even think about allowing for a semi-franchise option to allow greater autonomy for clubs with a fan ownership model (Looking at you Chattanooga FC & Detroit) as far as it can fit within the Pro League Standards. It would be a shame if a club that has built its brand around being defiant against anybody who disagrees with their purest opinion in Detroit City FC is sitting outside a three rung pro/rel pyramid in a couple years  with their arms crossed just because they have to license some intellectual property to a couple Englishmen in Tampa. And if that bit about the Pro League Standards (PLS) comes across as a massive oversight of this article then I have news for you: your problem is with the US Soccer Federation, not USL. Everyone has a problem with the Federation and if everyone came together on their issues the voices for change would be a whole lot stronger. Instead we’re wasting time painting four letter curses on banners in front of MLS, how about you swallow your pride long enough to create a real coalition.

I realize there is no scenario here where nobody’s feelings are hurt but I really think there is no reason USL cannot be the rallying point for all soccer lovers in this country who realize Major League Soccer has lost their way. There is a very good probability that within the next five years USL could have a topflight league with a two to three rung pro/rel pyramid beneath it with a very liberated form of open soccer in place. USL could fulfill all the American Soccer Rebel’s naughtiest fantasies before the end of this decade save for a few minor roster rules and licensing agreements. The thought of it excites me, especially if my own Rochester Rhinos find their way back into full existence in the USL ecosystem at some point in the next couple years. Once you know everything that USL hopes to do in the near future with MLS pulling its support there really is no reason to not be excited about what they could do to build a far more enticing form of Pro Soccer in this country. USL is the future of domestic club soccer in American.

And for the record, I think Oakland Roots knew this. I think its why they weren’t as standoffish with the USL as their more thick-skulled NISA brothers and sisters. But I digress, God forbid we work together to create the future we want for the Pro game in this country. Working together doesn’t seem to be the theme of any part of American Life at the moment, eh?

Thanks for Reading.

[animalsoffarmsanctuary]

For “Humanimal” Erika Mathews, Each Day Is a Chance to Make the World a Kinder Place

Inherent in the word “humanimal” is connection to our nonhuman animal neighbors — an understanding that humans and other animals share more in common than many people realize, and with that understanding, a conscious effort to see and value each and every being just as they are.

Before coming to Farm Sanctuary, most of our rescued residents faced situations of abuse and neglect. Now safe and loved, they approach each day as the gift it truly is, and they inspire us to do the same. It’s easy to get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of our daily lives that we take for granted the beauty around us, but in choosing to be present and authentic in our lives, we can celebrate all that we have to offer by simply being ourselves.

Just ask Erika Mathews, Farm Sanctuary’s Director of Major Gifts, who inspires people to celebrate the natural gifts we each possess. Through her work, Erika helps compassionate people create powerful good in the world — aligning their actions with their values to support a kinder future for farm animals.

Erika and Francis sheep.

In her work, Erika oversees a team of compassionate individuals who interact with current and potential supporters in making Farm Sanctuary’s rescue, education, and advocacy work possible — because it’s all thanks to support from friends like you that we are able to help rescued farm animals find the love and care they deserve and work toward a kinder world for others like them.

Erika, a longtime Farm Sanctuary supporter and Legacy Society member, officially joined our staff in May of this year — and she’s now applying her more 20 years’ worth of expertise in crafting programs and initiatives that not only align with Farm Sanctuary’s mission, but which help our members take ownership of the very work their support makes possible.

“I love that I am able to share the work of Farm Sanctuary with many likeminded people who support our mission,” Erika says. “My job allows me to meet new people who share my concerns and compassion. I am able to give them the opportunity to take part in our lifesaving endeavors and truly become a part of the Farm Sanctuary family.”

Erika sees living compassionately as an ever-growing journey. Here at Farm Sanctuary, we meet people wherever they are on their own compassionate journeys — and, as Erika has seen firsthand, people can make a powerful difference by simply leading their lives with love and kindness for all beings.

Erika with National Shelter Director Susie Coston and Ben David piglet.

For Erika, these values were rooted in childhood — something which, these days, she passes along to her own daughter. 

“I adopted my first dog when I was 13 years old, and although I had always loved animals, he gave me the inspiration to show compassion and love for all animals,” she recalls. “I became a vegetarian and gave up all leather, wool, and down products at age 15.” 

She and her family also volunteer for their local animal shelter, foster kittens and puppies, and take in hospice animals to live out their lives in a loving home environment. 

“[But] it wasn’t until my daughter was born 10 years ago that I realized the magnitude of cruelty of the dairy industry,” Erika says. Since then, she has proudly gone vegan, in solidarity with families of other species.

Erika’s daughter Willow feeds the turkeys at our Celebration for the Turkeys event, a family favorite.

With animal protection playing such a prominent role in her personal life, it felt only natural to extend this passion into her professional life as well. 

“I have been fortunate that I have been able to dedicate over 20 years of my career to animal welfare,” she says. “I spent many years in animal sheltering at the ASPCA, St. Hubert’s Animal Welfare Center, and the Liberty Humane Society. I also worked for The Marine Mammal Stranding Center and The Animal Legal Defense Fund.” 

Through her work at Farm Sanctuary, she has embraced a path that allows her not only to serve others, but to find fulfillment in supporting something bigger than herself as well. “Working for Farm Sanctuary has allowed me the unique opportunity to focus on farm animals,” she says. “I feel that the more I continue to work in protecting animals, my life changes for the better each day.”

Visiting with Whitaker steer.

Erika feels fortunate to work alongside likeminded humans dedicated to making the world a better place for farm animals. But she also treasures the moments when she can take a step back and be present with our rescued residents themselves — to recharge and reflect on what this labor of love is truly all about.

Erika and her colleagues say hello to Ari steer.

“When I am visiting the farm, it is an experience that is much greater, broader, and deeper than bonding with a particular animal, but the direct experience of animals who are allowed freedom from fear and grief,” she says. “At the sanctuary, I can encounter farm animals as ‘themselves’ in all the unique aspects of their specific species, and general qualities of kindness, serenity, even humor that they all have. Each and every time I visit the sanctuary, this awareness is heightened and expanded.”

One visit was especially memorable and inspiring. “Since I spend most of my time with people, a less typical day was the tour at Watkins Glen my first week of work. Although I had toured the farm many times before, this tour allowed us more time at the barn with the animals. It was amazing to feel the calm and peace of each area of the farm. To just sit and witness the happiness and freedom of each animal was probably the most zen moment of my life.”

Erika spending time with her turkey friends during this recent visit.

Through her interactions with Farm Sanctuary’s rescued residents and the people who love them, Erika has found great peace and fulfillment — allowing her to live and celebrate a life that is in alignment with her values, and to be a part of creating a more compassionate world for future generations. We are so grateful for Erika’s support — both as a member and a staffer — and are so excited to watch as her compassionate journey continues to unfold while she helps others achieve the same.

[lassluna]

Freeing the Witch (5/20)

Beta read by @notoriouscs

Once Upon a Time, there was Emma Swan the Savior and Killian Jones the fearsome pirate Captain Hook. But this is not that time, this is not that place, this is the time of the Dark Swan and a cowardly Deckhand who dares to think he could save her and live to tell the tale…Especially when things get complicated.

ffn Ao3

It's not poison! They told us it wasn't, remember? Here! I'll prove it to you!" Thorns claw at his tanned skin as another hand, his brother's, tries to swat the plant away, but it is too late.

"No! Stop! You don't know what you're doing!" Black lines trail visibly through his veins, spreading quickly, too quickly. The older of the two falls to his knees as his companion barely catches him, cradling him desperately.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," the younger boy yells, begging and pleading for his brother to wake up. Why isn't he waking up?

Killian jerks from his dream , a cold sweat on his face, his body trembling . He shakes his head in a feeble effort to clear his mind of the day in his dream, the worst day of his life. He'd give his left hand to be able to go back, to be able to change the course of his life from that day.

"Sleep well, Jones?" sneers a voice, making him jump in surprise.

"Swan," he murmurs, noticing her green eyes glowing eerily in the darkness of the cabin. She reminds him of a cat stalking her prey. "Wha-what are you doing here?" he stutters. A woman isn't to be in a man's cabin after hour. It isn't good form. That's something he learned from the Captain, not him.

He would laugh at that advice, saying that if a woman chose to grace you with her presence, no matter the hour, you had to do the gentlemanly thing and give her what she desired.

The Captain once beat a man within an inch of his life for daring to conduct his disgraceful activities on the Jewel, even though the lass was the man's fiancée. In all honesty, Killian thought the Captain just desired the woman, and hid his jealousy behind his code of honor.

Swan chuckles, shifting from her chair. "Just making sure you aren't dying from all the screaming I heard. What's wrong, Jones? Nightmare?" she teases. She is trying for humor, he can tell. It isn't her fault that her words hit a nerve, making Killian tense.

He knows why he was screaming. He was watching…he shudders.

"And is that any of your business?" he snaps, harsher than he intends. Killian blames his frazzled nerves on the previous night's events, those and his nightmare. "Since I mean nothing to you? Since I'm just one of the tools under your belt?" He hopes she doesn't notice the way that came out, the way his cheeks flush. Killian was insulted by her words, hoping that his daring rescue had earned him at least a little credit.

But Swan is smirking the way only she can, the way she does when she's enjoying making him uncomfortable.

"But you're my favorite ," she teases. "A girl can have a favorite, can't she?"

He doesn't reply, instead turning to grab a change of clothes from ontop of the drawers. He felt on edge even being here, let alone keeping his things here. The instant he arrived back in the cabin the night before, he collapsed into bed, trying to ward off the emptiness he felt when the maiden took his heart and the terrifying cold that still lingered. He's never experienced anything so exhausting.

"Perhaps, but not if she continues to treat people like tools," he shoots back. "Eventually, Swan, you're going to have to learn how to trust people, to let them know that you don't see them as things, but as people."

"You seem to know a lot about trust, Killian. So tell me, how do you know that someone won't break it?" she asks with an edge. "All my life I've learned that love, trust , it's all a means to an end. It's not real, its weakness ."

He takes a step toward her.

"Aye, in the wrong hands it is. But in the right hands, it's quite the opposite," he explains. After all, someone had to, and she literally held his heart in her hands the day before. That earned him a little leeway to speak his mind, didn't it?

"Tell me, Swan, have you ever been in love?"

When everything feels right, when you feel so entirely open with another person that you feel nothing but glee, when the darkness fades and light takes its place. It was what he had with Milah, even though he never told her, not once. He wanted to wait, wait until they were free of their pasts, their mistakes. But he never got to tell her. It's the second biggest regret of his life.

"No," she says, turning away, her eyes like stone. "I've never been in love." She storms out of the room without another word.

He suspects this time it was his turn to hit a nerve unknowingly.

Killian sighs. He really thought he had made at least a bit of progress at seeing beneath the dark feathers to the woman beneath.

"Let's go, Jones!" she calls, making him jump and rush after her.

"Yes, Swan," he drones. "Whatever you say, Swan." He doesn't bother to mask his own frustration at her constant mood swings.

"Is she being all moody as usual?" chirps a voice. Her voice makes him jump in surprise. He sees the Ice Witch once they reach the deck, casually sitting in a newly-conjured ice chair.

He remembered feeling the power in her voice when she held his heart, ordering him around, the feeling of her cold fingers in his chest, the inability to make a sound or resist her words. The utter hate he felt at revealing pieces of his soul to both Swan and this witch. He had no desire to tell either of them about sailing with Liam, but he was ordered to make Swan relax. As much as he resisted, he had no choice in the matter.

Her orders left no room for compromise.

"What's she doing here?" he growls. He hadn't appreciated being turned into a hostage on his own ship – no, the Captain's ship, but he had more ownership of it than either of them.

"What's wrong, Jones? I did as you asked, kept her alive. I thought you'd be happy with that," Swan sneers as she sits in her own self-created chair, a black-feathered seat, fitting for the Dark Swan.

He shoots a hateful look at Elsa. He didn't want anyone to die, but he certainly hadn't wanted her to stick around.

He can only deal with one dangerous blonde at a time.

"I'd prefer if she didn't stay on the Jewel," he mutters, taking his position at the helm. Elsa blinks seductively, making him blush. "And if she must, can't she stay in the brig or something?"

Swan chuckles. "As much as I'd love to stick Frosty over here in the brig, sadly her royal upbringing would be outraged enough to cause us nasty issues."

"I'd sooo kill you," Elsa says with a dark giggle.

"Hate ya," Swan replies.

"Likewise sis," Elsa retorts.

"We came to an arrangement," Swan continues her explanation to Killian after her juvenile moment with Elsa. "We're heading to Arendelle's magical prison to rescue an old friend of mine."

He raises his eyebrow. He didn't remember the Dark One having any friends in the tales he learned in his youth.

"Are we?" he challenges. "How exactly do you plan to get there?" He looks between them, Killian doesn't understand magic, but he suspects even the Dark One's magic has it's limits.

He certainly can't afford to keep the ship much longer. He is already in a world of trouble. "My captain will get back to port any day now. I need to return the Jewel before he arrives."

Elsa giggles. "Ooh. We're on a stolen ship? What fun!"

Swan just rolls her eyes.

"What's to stop us from just locking you up in the brig? Or better yet, throwing you overboard?" Elsa sneers.

Killian takes in a breath, wondering what the chances are that Elsa would carry out her threats. He doesn't like the odds.

"Find yourself in a pickle Killian? Stand tall, don't back down, and prove your worth. People are selfish creatures, make it seem like it's in their own best interest to keep you around."

His words sprout in Killian's head. He swallows his fear and brightens his grin.

"Can either of you lasses sail a ship? Navigate through Arendelle's treacherous current?" he asks. Killian doesn't need to see their exchange of glances to know those answers. "Lock me in the brig if you like. I have no royal honor to appease. I'll go there without hassle, but I'd like to know I won't be resigning myself to death if I do."

Swan sighs. "You said you had some unrealistic motive for rescuing me. Tell me, do you want to make someone fall in love with you?" she asks.

He shakes his head.

"Do you want to bring someone back from the dead?"

Again, he shakes his head. What was she getting at?

"Or how about change the past?"

He shakes his head one more time.

"Anything apart from those three things is doable with some creativity. I'll promise to grant you one request if you help me with this," she vows.

Killian debates with himself, but knows there is really no question. He saw how powerful she was, how powerful her magic was. If she couldn't do it, no one could. He will do anything to fulfill his mission.

Anything.

"Alright," He replied gravely. "I need –."

She put her hand up to cut him off.

"After. My curse makes me keep my end of any deals I make. Once we finish this rescue mission, you can make your request. Besides, you could always change your mind."

Killian nods, glad to have the time to think out his words carefully. He knows that he would never waver on the request itself, but plenty of tales about the Dark One warn about her penchant for exploiting loopholes in clumsy requests.

"So how far away are we?" Elsa questions, breaking through his thoughts.

"I'll need to consult one of the maps," he replies, earning an eye roll from Swan.

"Please," she moans. "I looked at your captain's maps. None of them are even remotely accurate."

That makes Killian laugh. It's the first time he's heard anyone state this fact, something he realized instantly when he first saw them.

The Captain was never very good at keeping accurate notes of his journeys or of buying newer, more accurate maps. He relied on his 'gut instinct' that was always leading him astray. It was a miracle the ship got anywhere at all, a miracle and the small fact that his first mate's fiancée was a mermaid who often swayed the tides to their favor.

"Ah, but you've never seen my maps, " he counters in a rare bit of triumph. She raises a brow as he disappears into the supply quarters. He pries open a box in the back of the room that is hidden along with most of his other possessions.

He prides himself on keeping the best collection of maps in the realm, even if no one but he ever saw them. He looks up to see Swan watching him. Until now.

Swan stays quiet as he nimbly searches through the stack of maps, looking for the relevant one. She moves a bit closer as he flips through them.

"You collect maps?" she asks. "These are incredible!"

Killian nods, glancing between the maps and Swan's face with pride. There are dozens of maps, different seas, different realms, different angles. If a place touches the sea, he has a map for it.

"Since I was a boy. I made some after sneaking glances at them at markets where I couldn't afford to buy the real thing, but I assure you, love, they are nothing if not accurate," he proclaims as she lifts a map of Camelot out of the pile. That one entailed sneaking back to the market several times, nearly getting caught by the seller on more than one occasion. It was worth it, if only for this moment. He can tell she is impressed.

"I didn't know you were a fan of cartography," he says.

Swan shrugs. "Being the Dark One means I have to be knowledgeable about a lot of things, including where I'm going," she says vaguely. "But I wish I knew more about it, about making something so beautiful with what I know." She is holding his map of Wonderland. How she knows it's one he made, he doesn't know.

His next words slip out before he can stop them. "Perhaps I could teach you."

She smiles back. "Perhaps."

He grins as he pulls his gaze away, flushing at the tease in her voice. The very thought that he could teach her anything is astounding.

Then he feels the parchment he was searching for in his hands. "Now this one, this one is one of my favorites. Arendelle's oceans are littered with icebergs, deadly obstacles for any ship," he explains, showing her the map marked with a blue star. "This one is enchanted to sense all things in the sea, from iceberg to sailboat, allowing us to chart a flawless course through them all." He bought it from a gypsy last time they docked in Arendelle. It cost him nearly a month's pay and punishment from his controlling captain when several crewmembers caught him buying it, but it was worth the price.

"Where's this one from?" Emma asks, pulling out an old piece of parchment. He avoids her eyes. He knows exactly what peaked her curiosity. "It's just a bunch of arrows and notes," she observes, flipping the parchment back and forth. "It's not even enchanted."

He sees her fingers rubbing the faded notes, and he snatches it back harshly, making sure the notes are still legible with a sigh of relief. It is his most prized possession, and he doesn't know what he would do if his swirly handwriting was lost to the abyss of time.

"This," he says, filing it back neatly where it belongs, "is a part of my request which you don't want to hear yet."

The Dark One rolls her eyes. "Sailor's getting brave," she teases.

"I'd call it stubborn," he shoots back.

"So, how far away are we?" she asks, reminding him why they were down here in the first place. He analyzes the enchanted map, recalling the course he set the day before, tracing it with his finger, considering their placement based on the previous night's stars.

"The day after tomorrow, I believe," he replies, stowing his map collection and leading Swan back topside so he can make some adjustments to the sails. "I'll be able to give a more accurate arrival time once we hit nightfall and I can see the stars."

She nods simply, a smirk finding its place on her lips. "Good. That should be just enough time to teach you how to handle a sword."

Killian freezes. "What?!"

She laughs.

"You didn't think you were going to wait on the ship, did you?"

Killian had surely hoped so…