#especially the cut line where sarah says 'i want to buy you a hot dog so bad kyle'

[carefulfears]

thinking about how sarah connor was a girl who worked in a diner and wanted to go to a late movie because her date ditched her and kissed her pet lizard on the mouth. in a deleted scene from the first film, she tells her time-traveling warrior that when this is all over, she wants to take him to disneyland. buy him a hot dog. "i want it to be over for you." when we see her again, 10 years later, she's strapped to a psych ward bed. she's screaming of the end times, how everyone is already dead, there is no future. she's snapping at her kid until he cries, because he wanted to help her.

[maggotmouth]

          hillo sexthy legends !!   i’m nora and i’ll be writing margo colby n probs sm1 else bcos lets be real, i lack self-control. u can find her pinterest here n some info abt her sexy self below the cut. plot with me on discord ( hot girl midsommar#8664 ) or in my ims !!  x o x

     * CAMILA MORRONE, CIS WOMAN + SHE / HER  | you know MARGO COLBY, right? they’re TWENTY-THREE, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, ELEVEN YEARS? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to SCRAWNY BY WALLOWS  like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole BLEACH WHITE SNEAKERS POUNDING ON A GYMNASIUM FLOOR, USING THE SAME BLUNT SCISSORS TO HACK THE SLEEVES OFF AN EXES T-SHIRT THAT YOU USE TO CUT YOUR 3AM FRINGE, A WALNUT-SHAPED ACHE IN THE PIT OF YOUR STOMACH FOR THE PERSON YOU COULD HAVE BEEN thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is AUGUST 8TH, so they’re a LEO, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nora, 25, gmt, she/her )

CLICK ANYWHERE ON THIS SENTENCE FOR SEXII GOOGLE DOC!!

bullet point summary of margo.

—   born margaret but NOBODY calls her that. its colby, coach or margo, and go to the privileged few. margo grew up in the creek commune n then dropped out of school cos of a teenage pregnancy so she was a bit of a cautionary tale back in’t’day (said tht in my yorkshire accent). she now works for summer camps coaching pee wee soccer and pee wee cheer, as well as helping out her beekeeper dad on his honey farm, which is jst north of abernathy creek, and working at scuba on the off seasons.

—  its just her and her dad, and has been for as long as she can recall !! everything she knows about her mum could fit on the back of the weathered passport photo she keeps in her wallet of a stranger who shares her face - her name’s melody, or at least tht was name she used when working as a dancer, she’s from argentina and dropped mag’s dad as soon as someone w more money came along.

—  margo’s father is a beekeeper with his own organic honey company. margo and her dad moved to irving in the early 00s, the summer between grade school and middle school, because her dad had heard about the communal living in abernathy creek and wanted to lend his skills there and live off the fatta the land in a very lenny from of mice and men kinda way.

—  for a few years of middle school margo was bullied for living with the ‘freaks from the creek’, but when they realised how chill her dad was with underage drinking, margo ‘keg-bringer’ colby soon gained popularity among the more renegade students. every so often, the high school parties would happen at her end of town, occasionally with members of the commune even offering the high schoolers a spiritual experience they’d never forget (often in the form of mushrooms) which meant people tried to stay on her good side. to get an invite to a margo colby party handed you a free pass to make up the most ridiculous shit about the commune you liked and nobody else could say anything, because they’d never been to the creek.

—  at school, margo had a lot of ‘behvioural issues’ bcos of undiagnosed adhd, she found it difficult to sit still for hours n write down huge chunks of information n her restlessness was seen as laziness. she was encouraged to do sports, as were most of the kids who weren’t that academically inclined, but she turned out to be pretty hot shit at sprinting, because she grew up surrounded by bee houses and he who runs slowest gets stung, baybeyy!! so yea, in school sports became her LIFE. she was gonna get a sports scholarship to college but ended up dropping out of school in senior year n becoming one of those kids who could have had it all but lost it.

—  she had sex with sutter at a house party when she wasnt really ready because it felt like the right thing to do at the time and everybody else was doing it. she’d attended health class, she’d seen the corny videos. she knew about all the statistics, but she also knew that it had never happened to anyone she knew and the pull out method was basically safer than the morning after pill and way less expensive.

—  a teenage pregnancy knocked her out of the runnings for prom queen and meant she had to leave school early. she didn’t go to college when her friends did, instead she spent the time interviewing potential foster candidates and eating her weight in lindt chocolate while marathoning love island in her room.  

—  she had a son, who she passed off to someone else a couple of towns away.  it was a closed adoption which seemed like the best idea at the time, but she now wishes she had access to his life.

—  after peaking in high school and jumping between jobs for a few years, she got a more permanent role at scuba which she loves with all of her heart and soul, but unfortunately a bar job doesn’t pay the rent.  

—  she works at summer camps coaching  junior soccer and netball on the side. she’s extremely competitive and takes it very personally if her team lose. the kids all call her, coach colby n write her longwinded letters about how they’ll never forget this summer camp before they go back to their suburban picket fence houses n she keeps all the letters in a drawer n takes them out to read when she’s feelin depressed.

—  enjoys surfing and worked for a number of years on resorts like mila kunis’ job in forgetting sarah marshall. she went on to work 18-hour days as a stewardess on luxury yachts which is a part of her backstory i added after watching season one of below deck because i guess i really am that fucking impressionable. met most of her surf friends doing tht but said she’d never in her life do it again bcos it was mostly just picking up after rich white ppl for shit pay. she came back to irving n thats when she started doing the summer camp jobs so she could move out of the creek n get her own apartment. 

—  she never actually finished senior year so she’s currently going to night school at the community college to get through her exams and is trying to save to go to college or open university. she wants to major in criminology. she’s super ambitious but also super adhd so she fluctuates between thinking she can achieve anything to just feeling like a failure n thinkin whats the point

—  used to shoplift to feel joy and as an act of resistance to her hippy commune routes, but now sees herself as a reformed, bin-diving freegan (sims 4 eco living can i get a hell yaaaa). also she thinks it’s totally wrong to steal when you have enough money and clearly don’t need to steal to survive, ppl risk imprisonment for basic necessities, so for her to do it for a brief thrill and some new shades felt a bit derogatory

—  was raised jewish. became a vegetarian as a child because it seemed, at the time, easier than having to explain which foods she was and wasn’t allowed to eat together, so she just cut out meat entirely. still a vegetarian now and dabbles in veganism, although its become less about not eating certain meats in the milk of their mother and more about her global impact / carbon footprint

—  nurses little animals to health in her garden. has a hedgehog name OJ short for orange juice not the other one filthy pig. her and her dad have always been huge animal rights activists and existed on a vegetarian diet. the only one in their house who isn’t vegetarian is their cat, auggie. (short 4 augustus gloop)

—  has a lot of stupid ass stick and poke tattoos. there was a phase during her years as a barmaid where she wanted to train as a tattoo artist n would mostly practice on herself or any friends who would let her

—  she doesn’t form many long lasting friendships cos she tends to be super excited when she makes a new friend and just see them all the time but then it wears off and she can ghost a bit. she’ll always coming pinging back but she’s not the most predictable or loyal friend, sometimes she’ll sleep in your house every night for a week and then you won’t even get a text from her for a month. her best friends are elderly neighbours and houseless people she meets when volunteering at the foodbank. she thinks they’re more authentic than most of the ‘fake posers’ she meets down the vela pier

—  calls herself a butch lesbian but still has sex with men when she wants validation. sexually attracted to some men, especially effeminate men, but only romantically attracted to women. very possessive of the gals in her life.

—  stopped giving a shit about getting older or adhering to anyone elses bullshit standards, realised it was all fake p much as soon as she dropped out of school and one by one her friends just stopped texting her

—  lives in one of the lofts in port apartments. it’s open plan with rugs and lava lamps everywhere. she has a palette bed. its all very ‘sustainable chic’. like, oh wow, a pallet bed that im supposed to think you made from scratch but i KNOW you got it  off ebay because you thought it looked trendy

—  constantly says shes poor but still buys clothes from urban outfitters. sus.

—  frequently found at fannies flirting with the cute bisexual bartender with a choppy black bob.

general vibe / personality

vibrant, vulgar, self-absorbed, tenacious, veers bewteen apathetic and dogmatic, temperamental, flighty, unreliable, magnetic, charismatic, passive aggressive, likes to play devil’s advocate, takes the moral high ground. estp and a leo

likes: 70s music, john wayne movies, black mirror, philosophy, cowboy chic culture, dc comics, the smell of locker rooms,, deep red lipstick, lacrosse sticks, smoking weed from a bong, dogs, karaoke, pet rats, kate moss, late-night strolls, hawaaiian shirts worn open over a bralette, skinned knees, thai food, picking the apples at the very top of the trees, zip-lining, cigarettes, the idea of pegging but not the practical application of it, decorative lamps, LGBTQ+ pin badges, worn-out furniture, twangy electric guitars.

dislikes: girls who call other girls ‘pick me’ girls, woody allen movies, mental mathematics, wealthy children, quentin tarantino, ironing, institutionalised misogyny, the imaginary future, french literature, ‘dump him’ feminism, wes anderson films, spoken word poetry nights, college-educated bar staff who act like they’re better than you,  indie softbois, the general mentality of cheerleading squads.

aesthetics

orange peel, the smell of bleach, skeleton drawings in the margins of a journal, thumb holes poked through the cuffs of your sleeves, bleach white sneakers pounding on a gymnasium floor, setting dumpsters on fire for the hell of it. a hit flask of vodka decorated with hello kitty stickers, split knuckles, alien conspiracy theories and sci-fi paperbacks, doc martens with fraying laces, a child in an oversize bee keepers suit, scabbed knees, not eating your greens, smiling with a mouthful of blood, and piercing your own ears with a safety pin when your dad wouldn’t take you,  a tennis racket you punched through in a fit of temper, feet pounding the earth until your soles bleed crimson, sleeping in a cherry lip balm and scrunchies to keep the wild locks from your eyes.

hoo boy this is getting LONG AS FUCK but here are my wanted plots

wanted plots

ok margo’s been in irving since she was like 10. she’s quite a vivacious person?? she dresses completely instinctively without any sense of cohesion so she stands out. a guy once told her she was wearing the ugliest outfit he’d ever seen and he thought that was so cool and brave of her. but anyway where was i going.. she grew up in the abernathy creek so stuck out like a sore thumb,,,, maybe ppl who were super interested in the creek or maybe poked fun at her bcos of it idk.....

b4 she dropped out, margo used 2 b in with the cool kids at school bcos her dad would buy them booze and rarely ask for the money. maybe a fun plot cld b with some of the ‘it girls’ she used to hang around with b4 she got pregnant n dropped out and they all went off to college n stopped texting her.

frinds !! unlikely friends !! toxic friends !! some1 she feels like she knew before irving ???

since margo literally can’t differentiate between romantic and platonic love, she’s got off with so many of her mates, so i want awkward friendships where they nearly dated, or exes that have now just turned into weird friendships. fwbs. enemies with benefits. all the angst. all the slow burn mutual pining we hate each other narratives

locals who play sports. margo wld be all over community soccer n take it way too seriously. maybe ppl she plays hockey with. girls who she’s like, weirdly intimate with but its not a thing cos the other girls straight !!! what do u mean !! aha just fun !

she works part time at scuba. i want a mate that just goes and sits in there talking to her until her manager gets angry.

she's also a surf instructor and occasionally works as a lifeguard!! gal has like 7 jobs ik but regular swimmers hmu

ppl she coaches at the gym !! she wants to be a personal trainer

i reckon she might have recently started meditating to try and calm down her mind cos its always bustling with thoughts, n i think she’s p interested in buddhism so if anyone’s a buddhist hmu

someone she’s trying to make a zine with on female empowerment and women in film and art, etc. just a very feminist zine. 

TLDR:  angry sports gay, former high school track prodigy turned drop out, who likes feminist literature, wearing leather jackets over slip dresses, and smudged red lipstick.

this was so long !!! im sorry !! if you’ve read this far have a biscuit, love x

[schrodingers-rufus]

So. Marble Hornets Haunted House AUs. 

Historically, I tend to inflict Haunted House AUs on every fandom I find myself in. (And I’m not talking literal haunted houses here; I’m talking about those places that pop up around Halloween or year-round, where you walk through spooky sets and actors jump out at you. Sometimes there are free-roaming actors in scarezone-type things.) I just...love haunted houses/haunts. Very much. And therefore it becomes fun to think about how a cast of known characters might behave in one of them.

Harbly Marblies, however, is a little tougher, because here we’ve got a cast of characters who are living in a modern-day world where haunts would exist...but who are also deeply traumatized by supernatural spookythings, probably to the point where there is no chance in hell you’d ever get them through the front doors of a haunt. 

So we’ve got some options here. Here are a couple of them.

(Cut because holy cow this post got longer than I expected.) 

Option #1: Everything Is Fine AU. Nobody’s been affected by the Operator, but for the sake of recognizable characterization, everybody’s still got some existing issues. Let’s say this is the October after the movie shoot, so now the gang all knows each other. 

Going to the haunt was Alex’s idea, because of course it was. Brian may be the Alpha Extrovert of the gang, but Alex is the Idea Guy. Alex comes up with stuff to do, and Brian’s the one who actually ropes most of the gang into doing it. 

Alex: “It’s Halloween. This is what people do on Halloween. If you’re too old to go trick-or-treating, you get drunk or you get scared.”

Brian: “Or both.” 

Alex: “Definitely both.”  

Jay tags along because he guesses Alex is a friend, and friends hang out, right? That’s what they do? Also he’s been curious about this place for years, but it’s not like people go to haunts by themselves. And they definitely don’t bring cameras. That would be weird. (He definitely was planning to go by himself the previous year and upload footage from it in case the internet might take interest, but he got struck down by midterms and a nasty cold and had to miss it.)

Tim’s not sure if he can handle it, but Brian’s going, and maybe if he makes himself small enough the scareactors won’t notice him. Also, a part of him cynically points out, he’s probably seen worse. 

Jessica’s going because Amy’s going because Alex’s going. Amy might or might not be hoping Jessica latches onto Brian in fear. Or Brian’s cute friend Tim, but she doesn’t really know if Tim’s on the market. Maybe Jay? She barely knows Jay, but she’s not sure if she wants to inflict him on her poor sweet roommate. They’d probably just stare awkwardly at each other for hours, and cute as that is, it’s lacking in passion. Also she heard a rumor that Jay has secret cameras set up in his apartment, so not the place for romance. 

Seth and Sarah tag along because they don’t have anything else going on that night, and they get discount tickets through the university. Also Sarah and Brian have a running bet that Seth’s going to try to use her as a human shield when something scary jumps out. 

Everybody piles into the disaster of a minivan Brian inherited from his parents. (Everyone except Sarah and Seth, that is, because they want an easy out in case the place sucks.)

The structure of this place: Five “mazes”, a couple of “scarezones”, and a few food trucks/pop-up food vendors. The whole thing’s held in a pair of old warehouses, and it makes the property-owners enough money that they keep the warehouses empty in the off-season. It’s like the Spirit Store of haunts.  

Alex is insistent: They’re doing all five mazes, crowds be damned. 

The Line of Suffering--i.e. the order they follow when going through the first couple mazes--is structured thus: Alex out front, with Amy behind him. Jessica’s holding onto the back of Amy, and Jay’s behind her (trying very carefully not to lay hands on her). Brian’s behind Jay, with Tim next to him, gripping his arm like a vice. Seth and Sarah bring up the rear. (Seth is indeed using Sarah as a human shield, but since they’re at the back of the line, this means she’s behind him, defending from any surprise threats from behind. She thinks he’s an idiot, but she’s endeared.) 

Alex tries Very Hard not to jump when scareactors target him. And oh do they target him. They know an easy mark showing off for his girlfriend when they see one, and he’s painting a target on his forehead by leading the group. 

Jay knows there’s a method to the madness. He’s seen enough horror movies (and watched enough haunt walkthrough videos online in preparation) to recognize the old tricks--hallways lined with doors, windows that can snap open, a room full of dummies mixed in with actors--and he is ready. His head’s on a swivel, camera roving over every inch of the walls. They won’t get him. They won’t. He has to keep the camera steady or the footage won’t come out right. He wonders if he’ll have to go through each maze twice, once with night vision and once without, like the other walkthrough channels do.    

Tim knew this was a bad idea. He’s praying that he hasn’t actually bruised Brian’s arm, but he knows he’s probably left a mark. Seeing things twitching at the edges of your vision is one thing, but having a real, solid person in a rubber mask jumping out at you activates a whole different set of instincts. Tim nearly socked the first guy in the face, and since then, his grip on Brian’s arm is half to steady him and half to keep himself from reeling back and doing it again. 

Amy thinks this is the best time she’s had in months. Jessica’s in a constant state of “AMY WHY”. Alex is Amy’s meatshield, while Amy’s Jessica’s meatshield. It works out.

Brian doesn’t want to let on how much this place unsettles him, but it’s really starting to wear on him. After the second maze, Tim asks if he wants to duck out and get a hot dog or something, and Brian happily agrees. 

After Maze #3, Alex insists that “we should all stop for a snack” (because  he’s getting burned out, but he sure as hell doesn’t want to say that). The gang sees Brian and Tim finishing off a truly ridiculously large order of chili cheese fries. Alex didn’t even notice they were missing. 

Jay is exhausted from being so wound up and too wound up to calm down. He wonders if the scareactors are allowed to mess with people at the picnic tables. He wonders if he’ll die if he drinks a can of Coke with his burger. He buys it anyway. He leaves the camera running. Tim sees his hands shaking and gives him a look. Jay doesn’t think anyone who ducked out after two mazes is qualified to be giving him a look. 

Seth and Sarah leave early. Seth says he has a project he has to get started on. Sarah wants to point out that it’s the middle of fall break and that he literally told her this morning that he didn’t have any homework over the break, but she doesn’t need to. Even Jay seems to have noticed how flimsy his excuse is. Sarah’s pretty wiped anyway, so she basically says, “So long, suckers,” and leaves the rest of them to suffer without their Rear Guard. 

Tim and Brian rejoin the gang for Maze #4, now emotionally recharged and full of chili cheese fries. 

Alex is very, very tired of being out front, but there are only two more and he just needs to power through it. (Also, he doesn’t feel like it’s right to force anybody else to take the lead, and nobody’s asked, so he’ll just suck it up and keep going. Somebody has to be out front, and it might as well be him.)

This house has a trick where a hatch slides open at about knee-level, and a scareactor reaches out for your legs--not close enough to touch, but close enough to make you notice. Jay doesn’t see it coming. He makes a truly embarrassing noise, a noise that will forever be immortalized on film. (No, he’ll edit it out in post.) At this point, Jay is well and truly shaken. He thinks he sees spots flashing in front of his eyes, but it’s too dark to really tell. It’s probably from the strobes from earlier. Maybe he’s breathed too much fog machine fog. (Is it true that stuff can burn holes in your lungs?) Jay’s fine. Really, he’s fine.

The gang shares a look of weary resignation before getting in line for Maze #5.

The last maze is alien-themed, something about invaders from another dimension. It’s new this year, and it shows. The animatronics are smoother, the sound design is great, and the makeup is--

One of the monsters has no face, just pale latex skin stretched taut.

Brian’s not sure why Tim just hid his face against his back, but he’s not going to make him move. Sure, he’ll miss the neat sets--Brian’s especially partial to the rusted-out feel of the old spaceship; it reminds him of Alien--but Brian’ll tell him about them later. Brian inches forward, and Tim follows, gripping the back of Brian’s sweatshirt for dear life. Brian wonders if they’ll have enough time to get another snack before they leave; chili cheese fries may not fix anything, but they seemed to help before. 

The maze culminates in a brief scripted battle, as a pair of actors wearing scuffed-up space suits fire on the aliens while strobe lights fire off from a truss above the set.

Jay thinks something feels off. 

Jay wakes up outside the maze, splayed out across the grass and surrounded by paramedics. No, he doesn’t have a history of epilepsy. No, it’s probably just anxiety, really, we don’t need to go to the hospital.

Jay wakes up in the hospital. 

A few hours later, he’s finally released. (Brian stays in the waiting room while Alex and the rest of the gang drops Tim off at his apartment to get his car. Yeah, I’m good to drive. Just a bit shaken, that’s all. No, really, you stay here, and I’ll go. I hate waiting rooms.) 

Jay comes out with a doctor’s warning and a six-month driving ban. (Tim snickers into his hand when Jay tells him.)

Jay laments the fact that his footage for the last maze is unusable and asks if they can go again. Tim somehow manages to give him a look while still keeping his eyes on the road. Jay’s as impressed as he is offended. 

Option #2: The Gang Runs the Haunt AU. Alex’s family runs a haunt and they’re short on help, so Alex ropes the gang into helping him. 

The Kralie haunt is pretty small-scale, as haunts go, but it’s been in the family for generations. (Well, Alex’s dad and grandfather started it in the early 80s, so Alex thinks that counts as “generations”.)

Growing up around all this stuff helps mold a young mind sometimes, and while Alex is still pretentious as all get-out, he wants to make horror movies. He wants to elevate the genre. 

Alex suggested to his grandfather that they try one of those “intense”, full-contact haunts one year. His grandfather looked him straight in the eyes and told him that was the stupidest thing he’d ever heard, but if he wanted to be an idiot, he could make his own haunt. 

(Alex did not have the resources to make his own haunt. He’s still biding his time. Waiting.) 

Jay tagged along with Alex’s family to an out-of-state haunt convention that spring, and he helped them pick out some spotlights and a new projector effect. 

This may have been what planted the seed in Alex’s head for an idea that August: friends = free labor, right? 

Jay agrees to help build sets and set up lighting on the condition that he’d be able to shoot some footage for his midterm project on-set. (The thing’s not due until mid-October, so the sets’ll be done with enough time to film and edit, right?) 

Brian agrees to do the same on the condition that he’d be able to play a monster on the weekends. (From Alex’s perspective, that was a no-brainer; double the free labor!) 

 Tim agrees because he knows Alex is garbage at sound design, and he’d like to do something that’s actually helpful for once.

Amy’s been looking into being an SFX makeup artist (maybe as a full-time job, maybe on the side; competition is steep) so she wants all the practice she can get. 

Amy tries to convince Jessica that monster makeup’s “just like regular makeup, really! It’s easy! Come on, I can’t do all the actors myself!”

Monster makeup is not just like regular makeup. Jessica feels a lot more comfortable painting sets, but she doesn’t want to throw Amy under the bus, so she also does a little bit of the makeup, too. She thinks her monster stuff looks awful, and from the look on Amy’s face, she knows she agrees. At least the haunt is dark. 

 Alex picks up a pair of stilts at a nearby Goodwill and begs Amy to design a monster for them. 

Various ideas are brought up and shot down, including The Obvious. Tim vocally objects to The Obvious, for Obvious reasons. Alex concedes.

The haunt that year is themed after a haunted crypt (just like it was the past five years), so they wind up with Alex dressed as an eight-foot reaper in a cloak. (The cloak is to cover up the stilts.) Alex thinks it’s corny. (He secretly likes lurking around and looming into the edges of people’s field of vision. It’s satisfying. He Likes To Be Tall.)

Alex initially plans to make Brian a forgettable background skeleton, but then his mother has the idea to make Brian into a skeletal “barker” character who stands out front and improvises banter with the guests. Brian’s been taking some improv classes since that summer, and the improvements are noticeable. (Alex entirely blames the classes. No way was his lousy script to blame for Brian’s lackluster performance that summer. Alex is a genius. Brian’s just a psych major.)

Alex calls Brian “The Cryptkeeper” once. Only once. 

Brian knows too many puns. 

(Ten years later, Jay thanks every deity he can name that Undertale didn’t exist during the fall of 2006.)

The sets come together in time (barely). 

Jay shoots what he needs for his project in time (not really, but what’s a few all-nighters among friends). 

After an extended battle with a speaker rig that looks like it hasn’t been updated in fifteen years, the ambient sound design comes together in time (barely).

Jessica looks up lots of makeup tutorials.

The First Weekend of October Is Coming. 

Actors: hired

Rehearsals: done

Costumes: done

Lighting and sound: checked and re-checked

Sets: safety regulation compliant

Everyone: smells like liquid latex and fake fog

The First Night Arrives. 

Alex has a fever of 103. His parents say that, between school and the haunt, he must’ve overexerted himself. 

Alex has seen Tim coughing the past week or so. Alex knows Tim is Patient Zero. Tim should’ve dropped out the second he started coming down with something; now he might’ve spread it to the whole crew.

Alex calls Tim up and curses him out through a sore throat. Tim can barely understand what he’s saying. Tim eventually hangs up. 

It’s an hour until doors open, and somebody needs to wear the reaper outfit. 

Brian’s already in costume as the barker, Amy and Jessica are busy, and everyone knows the last thing Alex will want to hear is that Tim took his part. 

So that leaves Jay.

Jay has never worn stilts before. 

Jay has never scared people before. 

(Not on purpose, at least.)

Jay tries his best. 

Mercifully, he doesn’t fall over, but he does get close a few times. He has to grip the foam-painted-to-look-like-stone wall for support for most of the night. The cloak would look baggy on anyone, but Jay’s swimming in it.

He still gets a few good scares in. (He sees why Alex likes it. It’s a power thing, he thinks.)   

The next few weekends, once Alex is back on his feet, Jay shoots promotional footage of the guests going through the haunt. Jay prefers this job; he gets to dress in stagehand-black and lurk around the sets trying not to be noticed.

He gets some of his best footage out front, watching Brian. The guy really is a natural at this. 

Tim stays backstage every weekend, monitoring lights and sound. Jay gets a little footage of him, too, to his mild annoyance.

Jay tapes interviews with Jessica and Amy one Saturday before the doors open. Amy turns the whole thing into a tutorial, seemingly out of pity after Jay stumbles through a couple of awkwardly worded interview questions.

When Alex’s family realize he didn’t set aside any money in the budget to pay his friends, they swiftly correct the error. The gang doesn’t make much, still, but it’s a nice surprise.

October ends. The sets are dismantled. The costumes are put away. 

Brian tells Alex that if he ever needs more help next year, he’ll try to be around. 

Brian’s off to medical school at the end of spring semester, but he's going to try to get into a program in the area. Alex rolls his eyes and tells him that maybe they’ll be able to come up with a mad doctor for him to play.

“Mad psychiatrist.” Brian wiggles his eyebrows.

“Isn’t that an oxymoron?” 

“Not as often than you’d think.”

Jay cuts his footage into a trailer for the website. Alex’s family is thrilled. Jay asks if can bring his camera to the haunt convention next year, and the answer is a resounding “absolutely”. 

Jay might have found His Element. 

It gets worse when he discovers that unsolved crime forums are a thing.

Then Jay’s either traveling around taping haunt walkthroughs or trespassing on private property looking for evidence. 

Alex thinks Jay would make a great character in one of his movies.

The gang keeps coming back year after year, especially Jay and Tim. Brian has to miss a few years because of school. Jessica ends up at a grad school out of state but comes back as a guest a few times. For Tim and Jay, though, it’s decent seasonal work.  

Alex is still trying to elevate the genre. Tim and Jay have a running bet on how long it’ll take for one of Alex’s movies to get wide enough distribution to win a Razzie. 

Everything Is Actually Fine

[evenstevensranked]

#38: Season 1, Episode 17 - “Get A Job”

In order to afford a Sludgie (a.k.a slushie) machine for his room, Louis opens his own Doggy Daycare. But like most things Louis attempts, it quickly becomes difficult for him to handle. Meanwhile, Steve and Donnie bond over destroying a birdhouse. 

This one opens with Louis trying to butter Steve up in preparation to drop the “Buy me a Sludgie machine” bomb. Which is definitely supposed to be a “Slushie” or “Slush Puppie” machine, but I’m assuming those words are copyrighted. Louis decorates the entire house for Father’s Day… even though it ain’t father’s day. “But, every day is father’s day, Dad… when you have the perfect dad, Dad!” Louis cannot genuinely think that this could work. After prefacing the Sludgie question with a dramatic story about how the machine is going to be thrown out of a store that’s closing unless Louis rescues the inanimate object from the potential clutches of an evil child — Steve drops a bomb of his own: “Get a job.” Oh, boy. Why are those words so… terrifying? Even today as a 24-year-old adult, those 3 words send a shiver down my spine. They scream “you’re getting older, get over it” to me. I don’t know. Louis and old-fashioned work isn’t exactly a match made in heaven, though. So you already know he’s gonna spin the job angle into something ridiculous.

Louis is wearing an “I ♥ DAD” shirt to really sell it!

Steve suggests that Louis should ask Ren for help, since she just so happens to be running a youth career planning center from her room. Of course she is. Something I really like about the scene where Louis asks her for a job, is the names of the other kids already there waiting. Ren refers to them by their last names, and they’re all names of writers/crew members!! “Dearborn” - The show’s creator, Matt Dearborn. “Cunningham” - One of the writers for this episode, Sarah Jane Cunningham. And “Kaiser” another writer for a different episode, Brooke Kaiser. This is so cute to me. It’s not the only time the writers have done something like this either. This only further supports my idea that one of the writers must’ve lived down the street from Del’s Pizzeria. These kids have zero lines though, and it’s kinda funny and obvious that Disney didn’t wanna pay people more than they had to. Ren talks to the kids and they just... smile... as a response, lol. It’s awkward. She gives the Cunningham girl a job at a movie theater concession stand and tells her “Here’s a tip... Extra salt on the popcorn = they’ll buy more drinks.” This has always stuck with me. How slimy. 

So, Louis busts in asking for a “teen job thingy” (perfect!) and I freaking love when Ren questions Louis about his career goals. He’s so sarcastic in the most deadpan way. He says he wants to ride a motorcycle in the globe of doom in Vegas, is “hoping to move to Donnie’s room” in five years time, and refers to some guy at a donut shop with a claw hand as the public figure he most respects. I love Louis. Then we get a montage of Louis failing at every job Ren gives him. This is actually something that’s a little off about this episode, and I never noticed it until my series re-watch for this project. There’s, like.. 5 montages in this episode. I have to admit that’s a little overkill. To an extent, this almost doesn’t even feel like an episode. That many montages means there’s hardly any actual dialogue. It’s weird.

Anyway, one of the jobs Louis fails at is “Mass Mail Marketing” a.k.a licking envelops. They decided to use this annoying CGI tongue for the scene, which I hate and always have hated. It’s not the only time they use the CGI tongue either, tragically. Like I’ve said before, stuff like that just comes across as something thrown in for a cheap laugh. I’ve literally never thought it was funny. In fact, I usually cringe a bit when they pull stuff like this. Sigh. 

Um, this actually looks a little... off-color. Ew. 

Louis returns to Ren asking for another job as long as it doesn’t involve licking. She finds one for him, but quickly takes it back saying “...but that involves some light licking...” WHAT THE HELL kind of jobs does she have in this database of hers?! Louis goes on to fail at being a paper boy and a restaurant mascot. That’s three strikes, so he’s dead to Ren now. Louis goes to a local park, all depressed and emo over being a failure — when suddenly a stray dog sits with him. He has a heart-to-heart with the dog saying “I’m just not one of those job people you hear so much about.” I relate to this on an emotionally deep level. Within a minute, he gets the idea to start "Louis' Doggy Daycare" to hang out with dogs all day and make quick money. There’s a short montage of Louis hanging up fliers and I feel like Shia thought it was hilarious. I mean… Look at the photo on the flier, lol. 

His shirt says “I ♥ DOGS” Amazing. Not to mention, that dog is actually… smiling. The fact that Shia even posed for that photo is iconic, lol. He seems to be genuinely laughing about it here, which is great. 

Louis’ first client, Mrs. Walters, shows up with her little pooch named “Poopsy.” I love this so much. My mom and I quote this lady all the time when we talk to our own little dog. She speaks in such a strangely deep baby voice with all these dips and inflections. We always say “My little pOOOoPSEHHHH!” in her voice, lol. I can’t even explain it. She drops Poopsy off and says “Bye-bye, my preciousss!” but Louis cuts her off by saying “Please. Call me Louis.” I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!

Ren is impressed that Louis seems to’ve thought this through and is babysitting a dog. Until she sees that he’s babysitting, like.. 25 dogs.

Ren: Louis, are you crazy?! 

Louis: Crazy for canines. 

There’s a slightly annoyingly obvious pop culture reference to the famous “Dogs Playing Poker” paintings here. It’s whatever. Fine, I guess. But, it just feels like an easy idea to go with.

Now the dogs get antsy and Louis has to take them for a walk. I swear to GOD!!!! This is one of the funniest moments in the whole series. It’s so simple and stupid but I somehow die laughing every time. The dogs are too much for Louis to handle, so he eventually falls and gets dragged by the dogs. Except Louis becomes an OBVIOUS dummy, which is the point, and it’s hilarious to me.

Look at this. Just LOOK!!! The longer it loops, the funnier it gets. The fact that tiny dogs are dragging him so strongly makes it even better.

When they get back from their walk, Louis puts on The Adventures of Milo and Otis for the dogs to watch.. which is another real life reference. But tell me why all I could think of is the Jonas Brothers episode of Hannah Montana where Miley and Lily disguise themselves as... Milo and Otis... 

Around here is where we really dive into Steve and Donnie’s subplot. Which I actually think has some really strong moments. Both of these characters, especially Donnie, are so underrated. The two find the shambles of an old birdhouse dubbed “Feather-Feather Land” that they started building when Donnie was little, but never finished. They decide to start working on it again and end up completely butting heads about everything all day. Donnie thinks he’s reading the instructions for the birdhouse, but he’s actually reading the instructions for the garage door opener.. which is great. (“Didn’t you find it odd that a birdhouse would have a remote control?!”) They continue to pettily argue over every little thing. One of my favorite moments is when Donnie yells at Steve “You’re making me nervous hovering over me like that!!” To which Steve responds “I’m not hovering… I’m overseeing. At a close distance.” I use this all the time, omg. My other favorite bit is when the mood starts to become less tense and more lighthearted between them. Steve put a “vacancy” sign on the house and Donnie says “What’s with the vacancy sign, Dad? …BIRDS CAN’T READ!” It cracks me up every time. Basically, one thing leads to another and they decide to completely destroy the birdhouse for fun. It’s pretty great.

The sound of destruction coming from the basement causes the dogs to run absolutely wild. This is another montage. It ends with Poopsy completely covered in toilet paper in Ren’s room which I think is super adorable and too cute not to include here.

Louis eventually gets all of the dogs under control conveniently right before all of their owners arrive. This scene is too much. The owners show up one by one to pick up their dogs, and they’re all one-dimensional looking stereotypes??? It’s so ridiculous, lol.

One’s a punk, one’s a hippie, and that last guy is a construction worker you guys! Just in case you couldn’t tell by the fact he’s WEARING HIS HARD HAT LIKE A FASHION STATEMENT.

Louis is all proud of himself once every dog is gone and he’s raked in all the moolah. Except, all the dogs aren’t gone. Mrs. Walters shows up looking for Poopsy. Turns out lil Poopsy is missing in the house somewhere. Louis dramatically puts on a crying act and asks Ren for help with tracking the dog down. Sad violin plays and he starts talking about how Ren was always right… He is a failure. “I’m gonna be in circuses known as The Boy Who Can’t Do Anything. Step right up!! …just don't expect much.” - I love this line sooo much and the way Shia delivers it all fake-sad. Oh my god. This leads us to yet another montage of Louis distracting Mrs. Walters while Ren runs around looking for Poopsy. Obviously, they find him (yes, Poopsy is a boy) and everything’s fine. Yay!

Louis ends up spending his money on a churro machine instead, lol. I never knew what churros were before this show, and Ren’s description of “deep fried dough dipped in sugar” always makes me craaaaave churros. To this day, I still haven’t had one. I never understood how the machine works though. It doesn’t look like the kind of thing that MAKES the churros… rather, just holds them and keeps them hot. So, does Louis make them and then store them in the case??? Who knows.

Another “I ♥ ____” tshirt! That might be one too many, lol. Although, it’s probably meant to highlight Louis’ fickleness. One minute, he loves his dad. The next, he loves dogs. Now? Forget the dogs and the man who gave him life -- churros own his heart. 

So yeah! That’s the episode. This one honestly goes by lightning fast, and I think that’s because of the montages. I’ve always really enjoyed this one, though. From the Poopsy lady, to the Louis dummy, to birds not being able to read vacancy signs... I like it a lot. 

Thanks for reading! :) This review was actually really fun to write, haha. Chime in via Disqus belowww.

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