#esp rn because i am TIRED and OVERWHELMED and BUSY

[strawberri-syrup]

this december i am going to fight TOOTH AND NAIL to feel holiday joy!!!!!!!!!!! too many times i have WALLOWED all month and been SAD when i could have been TRYING to be HAPPIER

[dogtiber]

.

hello I am having a dog thought overwhelm today and also a general overwhelm woo please feel free to ignore me I am just working out some feelings

I feel like I haven’t been doing much with Tiber lately just because there’s so much going on rn

my to do list is miles long today too and will be for a while until I work my way through everything I need to do

but I feel BadTM about it. partner has been getting frustrated with us lately because it feels like his separation anxiety has backslid a little

(we let him sleep on the couch with us for a few nights because with Things Going On we were too stressed to deal with getting up/his whining, so we just let him stay with us to prevent it altogether. but now he seems more Upset than usual about being put to bed in his crate. it was likely not the smartest move but when we’re both tired and I’m disabled-exhausted and he’s getting-up-at-1am-for-work-several-days-in-a-row-exhausted we were kind of at the end of our rope for a bit)

but I am so sleepy and so tired right now but it is nearly impossible to catch up on the rest I need with Puppy.

we sent him to daycare on Sunday to give us some time to catch up on house work/get him some dog socialization time, but like even then. we spent the whole time cleaning the house, not resting.

we’re managing but I am becoming Increasingly Distressed about it and it is fine and we will get through it but bleegghggrrrgh

I really want to do more reading/research on dog training and esp on separation anxiety (since that’s our biggest problem with him rn) ((but also ADHD brain is getting overwhelmed and is having trouble focusing on that because there’s SO MANY important things we need to work on him right now too. like recall. oh my god his recall training has been going so bad. well like not *bad* but he is not really getting it at all. and I’m starting to feel like I need to change up our approach…but that requires reading and learning about different ones…which brings us back to…)) but because im so TIRED I just don’t have the brainpower to focus on that.

I think I’m extra emotionally distressed because partner and I had a tense upset moment yesterday. I didn’t really take Tiber out after his morning walk because he was asleep most of the day and wasn’t asking, or even eating or drinking much, too busy sleeping (I assume being tired from daycare the previous day) and when partner went to take him out, Tiber I guess couldn’t hold it and peed by the front door while he was getting his gloves on. which. was my fault for sure. I should have taken him out even if he wasn’t indicating he needed to go. but *I* wanted to nap too. so I just slept while Tiber slept and let us keep napping. and partner, after a long day at work, was extra frustrated and upset.

and it’s fine and we talked through the outburst and cleaned up and made up. but I’m on edge a little after it. just RSD kicking in I think. but still emotionally draining.

and the other day, partner asked if I could spend more time on the dog training at home, and worry less about household chores and that he’d take over more of that responsibility instead but I personally just don’t feel like this is going to be an effective solution?

(a lot of this is because our approaches dog training are…different. he just hasn’t had as much time to do training research because his job is busy, and that plus his prior childhood experiences with raising pets was…I would say less than ideal. his parents’ attitudes towards raising animals were/are. uh. questionable at best if not outright bad. (I constantly want to kidnap their cat she is having such a bad time over there.) so him trying to take over Tiber Time to give me a break and some rest time usually ends up with me involved anyway, because I’m trying to gently nudge him from doing things that might be aversive (gentle stuff, he’s not kicking the dog or anything, but I don’t super love his first line approach being to tug firmly away from things he shouldn’t have instead of trying to call or redirect attention first, for example. obviously sometimes just grabbing him is necessary if there’s a danger but like. if it’s a sock on the ground outside or whatever) or from asking Tiber for too much and not really getting the idea of setting him up for success, or trying to pair a cue without Tiber having learned the behavior first. and none of this is the end of the world but like. I don’t want to have to change a cue because it was poisoned or unteach a bad habit or counter condition something he taught. and maybe this is my control issues coming into play but like I also think it’s important to set Tiber up for as much success as possible.)

((but also like. I’m a little frustrated also that he’d rather change around how our household works than to just. sit down and watch the videos/read the articles I send him.))

((I also get frustrated because sometimes the thing I need help with most is just staying with Tiber while I go downstairs to tidy up or take a shower or whatever. but he wants to go up to the loft to game and I don’t begrudge him this because it’s how he unwinds and also spends time with his brother, but when he does I get limited to upstairs with Tiber and can’t get anything done elsewhere.))

it’s been double hard lately because of Tiber’s vomiting and tummy troubles. vet has him on just his kibble and has allowed some plain boiled chicken for treats while we’re working out what’s up, but that means I can’t give as many options for kongs or longer lasting chews or whatever to keep him busy.

so even if I had “more time” to work with the dog, I can’t dog train all day, and I still have to watch him between sessions so he doesn’t puppy chew the house apart. and I can’t distract and occupy him as well right now without access to high value treats and likis and things. (he won’t really work for his kibble unless he’s *really* hungry and I’m not interested in starving him for the sake of some peace.) me doing chores is not really the problem I just need help watching the dog. and also a nap.

also this has reminded me that we’re out of chicken to boil so I need to get more because we have literally no treats for Tiber in this house rn.

and it’s fine and we’ll see how things go for a while first but I desperately need some quality sleep and rest to be able to actually functionally tackle anything right now and that’s just not happening currently. 🙃

and as my to do list gets longer ADHD brain wants to go more and more off the rails.

and I am just feeling dejected and overwhelmed and like I’m not enough.

bleh. I should get breakfast that’s probably where I should start. and then maybe try to grocery delivery some chicken for Tiber? I’d rather go down to the butcher but tbh I think I’m too tired for that long of a walk rn (even if it’s only 5 mins. I tired.)

I need hand holding and someone to start me on tasks man. girl help my executives are dysfunctioning.

[slytherinshua]

ZANNA OMG. I MISSED YOU SM 😔

I am back from the dead.

IM SORRY FOR DISAPPEARING FOR 8 DAYS 😖😖😖

long story short I was just super busy with miscellaneous tasks that I had been procrastinating on since the start of summer break, and I was also kind of in a slump 💔 idk I just wasn't feeling the vibe communication became overwhelming 😔 BUT IM OKAY!! I honestly opened tumblr to write you an ask every.single.day. but I never ended up doing so because. idk 😖 I was still lurking around though and have been reading the new fics they're all so good 👀 the dohoon one 👀 that disco anon requested 👀👀👀 I love you disco anon.

ALSO. I listened to Walk and ATE and ☝️‼️ such bangers. 127's album was so good I liked all the tracks honestly there was no miss. And the title was SO 🗣️🗣️ IT'S SUCH A BANGER. It took me a few minutes to get it, but then it settled with me and ITS SO GOOODDD MARK'S RAP JHONNY'S CHORUS (HE FINALLY HAS LINES), HAECHAN'S CHORUS AND JAEHYUN'S LINES ugh 127 they could never be you

And ate was so good chk chk boom is so cool I love stray kids ☝️ I love them HYUNJIN'S CHORUS PART SOUNDS SO INCREDIBLE

anywhooo I missed being here I'm sorry for leaving what can I do for you to forgive me

I hope you've been doing well!!! how have you been please tell me have you done anything interesting I haven't

-🪿

I MISSED U TOO OMG UR BACK!!!! ITS OKAYY <//3 im glad ur back now 👹 i totally get feeling like communicating is overwhelming esp when you've been procrastinating and catching up on tasks cause that's low-key me rn with my summer courses 😞 aww :(( AND YES I AGREE DISCO IS THE BEST FOR REQUESTING THAT W DOHOON 🥹🥹🥹

YESSS LITERALLY NO SKIPS NCT ALWAYS SLAY SO HARD 🗣️🗣️ i feel like w nct tracks it always takes like 3 listens and then ur like wait no.... song of the year KSJDK LMAO cause im always skeptical of them at first BUT THEN IT HITS ME.

YES CHK CHK BOOM WAS SO SO GOODD ACTUALLY. for skz tracks that have been low-key missing lately i loved chk chk boom like lalalala was good and i listened to it but then i got tired of it rly quick but the chorus on chk chk boom is just the best ‼️

YOU DONT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING IM JUST HAPPY TO TALK TO U AGAIN 🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅 u could leave for like 2 yrs and then come back and i would still remember you so don't even worry abt 8 days 🥹🥹🥹

i also haven't rly done anything interesting sigh... other than writing and going to the beach AGAIN (different beach from last time ksjdks) w my husband (yes i def took these pics the sky is def the same its the same beach def)

and some bonus pics cause my cat is cute and pretty and silly and i love her so i am her personal photographer every day <3

[thewhizzyhead]

you very much Should Keep going (if you’d like) I’m reading your tags like 👀👀👀 I wanna know More!!!

dude believe me i only just thought up 90% 9f this while doing my math homework last night so yea this is very barebones and this is very very new have very little to offer but um imma try to explain a bit more fjdjdc SO ANYWAYS GRADE 11

Warning: this is very long and I am very sorry aaAAAA also i only just thought of this last night and a while ago while attending class so um yea it's chaotic.

the songs i've mentioned so far in the tag ramble aren't um consecutive so yeah there are a lot of blank spaces in between fjsjsj and yea I haven't figured out the other leads and their arcs yet (probably 5-6 leads). for now um the planned songs feature 3 of the leads:

Kate - basically answers the question of What If Eva Sanchez Was The Protagonist and What If Eva Sanchez Saw The Hell That Is Don't Even (in this show, this song is called "Anakpota?" or "The Fuck?"); she's a transferee and is having a bit of a hard time adjusting to the new school environment; her reasons for transferring run a bit deeper than just "humanities is a lot more interesting than stem or business shits"; i guess her main character themes are burnout, the want for childlike wonder again and overcoming the fear that comes with chasing what you really want and no i am definitely not self projecting what are you guys talking about smh rhhdhs /hj (altho i admit that this is loosely based on my own experience with deciding to transfer schools) and yea she's a very closeted lesbian that slowly starts to comes out to others and to herself more throughout the course of the show. and also she gets a girlfriend YAY

Noel - rn i don't have that much planned out for him cause u know barebones plot but so far um i guess he's the chill dude, overall good guy, rantaro amami from danganronpa v3 vibes, and he's initially framed as the "love interest" for Kate esp in the song "Ikaw Ba Ay..." or "Are You..." (i wanted that to be a play on the typical Filipino Teen Hetero Romance CAUSE THAT SHIT IS IN EVERYWHERE JFJSJD I AM GONNA MAKE A WHOLEASS RANT ON THAT SOON AND NOBODY CAN STOP ME) but surprise motherfucker BOTH OF THEM ARE GAY AND BOTH BOND OVER IT AND BECOME BEST FRIENDS YAY WOOOO i kinda want him to be like the typical "Filipino Teen Heartthrob" star student with the twist being that he's gay and not make that a throwaway joke cause um yea that's a throwaway joke here that someone who is real catch for the heteros but is actually gay is "sayang" or "worthless" here.

Ella - ngl she is probably gonna end up as the main lead here fjdjd i'd say she has riley+chess vibes aka The School's Hotshot Achiever and Student Leader That Is Very Intimidating But Is Actually Really Freaking Kind and i guess with a dash of Kate Dalton-ish snark. Like i said the plot is barebones rn so i dunno anything but i do imagine them being the one that drives the plot forward due to her outspokenness. I also imagine her to be the one (along with Noel) that makes Kate a lil bit more comfortable with her sexuality and yup you guessed it Ella is gay too (bi to be specific oh and she uses she/they pronouns) and altho still a bit closeted, they're a bit more comfy with it. also they become Kate's gf yay!

those are the leads that i have kinda planned out so far but yea i still gotta expound kna lot of atuff and make up more leads for this but then again i just started conceptualizing this last night so ANYWAYS HERE ARE THE OTHERS SONGS THAT I LITERALLY JUST THOUGHT UP LAST NIGHT (aside from the ones already mentioned)

+ "Nakakapanibago" or "Well This Is New" - Ella and Kate work together on a school project aaand gay panic ensues. both of them take turns in addressing the audience and panicking over each other in um er an "Oh My God She's Very Fucking Cute What The Fuck" way. it kinda has What Is This Feeling from Wicked vibes if you remove the aggression and antagonization jdjsd and i kinda emphasize on how overwhelmed they are cause for Kate, everything - from the school to the subjects to the people - is new and her attraction to Ella is like a cherry bomb on top of a chaos cake while for Ella, who has studied in the school since kindergarten which is why nothing about the school fazes her anymore, Kate is a literal breath of fresh air and the spontaneity scares them and excites them at the same time. The number is comedic (and is chance for me to add a shit ton of wordplay cause yAY WORDPLAY) but i guess also hints at their fears which will definitely come into play later.

+ "Mabuting Laban" or "Good Fight" - a group number led by Ella, this is the first song in the musical that isn't mostly comedic. like um the musical so far (before this song) is mostly somewhat of a parody-just-for-laughs-don't-take-this-seriously piece but with this, the show finally hints to something a lot more serious and insightful. so basically ella tells kate (this scene comes right after the Nakakapanibago sequence) that they have noticed that the latter is um very very shocked at the blatant show of LGBTQ+ stuff. Kate mentions that altho many students have since then spoke up for LGBTQ+ acceptance, things were a lot more conservative back in her former school (once again wooo definitely not self projection /hj) so like seeing all this is very new to her. Ella then mentions that things weren't always like that - a lot of fighting had to be done in order to get to that point. and because most of the students already were branded with a rebellious reputation (for a lot of delinquent behavior), they really didn't give a fuck anymore if they were being controversial or not. What mattered was that they would make the school environment a lot more welcoming for themselves and for others. That sentiment is also shared by other leads singing along as they go out of their way to ensure a much better environment for everyone (in terms of lgbtq+ rights, undoing the stigmatization of mental health matters, student activism yadda yadda)

(oh and also this kinda serves as something that bridges the prejudices between the two schools since Ella's school is famous for a lot of student delinquency while Kate's former school is famous for being known as the "Best School In The Region With The Best Students" (which is why Ella understands why the students in Kate's school are a bit more hesitant to speak up because Kate's former schoolmates got way too much to lose) and the rivalry those schools have with each other cause students from ella's school think those from kate's school are pompous little shits while those from kate's school think that ella's schoolmates are delinquents and yes this is commentary on the dynamic my former school'scstudents and my current school's students share) (i should probably give this its own song)

+ "Ayoko" or " I Don't Want It" - (this does not come right after Mabuting Laban fjsjd i honestly dunno where to put this) this comes right after a conversation regarding her reputation in her former school and yea this is Kate poking fun at the "I Want" song musical trope. Like um she addresses the audience saying something along the lines of "oooohh wow complicated backstory exposition! you are probably expecting a song rn ala "How Far I'll Go" from Moana but guess what bitches fuck you all cause i'm gonna sing a song about the things I don't want just to fucking annoy you." it starts off as incredibly satirical and um Kate Dalton-vibes all throughout the scene with lots of pettiness which will then gradually transition to her singing about how she threw all the opportunities presented to her by the former school just because she really didn't want to do them and was tired of saying "yes" just to be enough for them. She then starts singing about her taking control of her own narrative by finally leaving the school. She still laments about those lost opportunities and admits that she still kinda wants to pursue those, but if she has to sacrifice rest for greatness, then she doesn't want it. The song ends with a verse akin to most I Want songs as she finally admits what she really wants the most: rest and wonder.

also here's a verse i made up just a while ago

Diyos ko, sabihin mo, ano pa ang kailangan kong gawin/upang mabawi ang mga ninakaw sa akin/upang maibalik ang pag-asang nawala/upang sa wakas ako'y makakapagpahinga/sapagkat hindi na ako nagnanais ng kadakilaan/ang hinihingi ko lamang ay ang aking kabataan

translation (i'll try my best to make it rhyme): My God, tell me, what else do i have to do/so I can take back all that they have taken from me/so that I can bring back the hope I've long so been deprived of/so that for once in my life, I'll be able to breathe/ cause I no longer want all the greatness that you say I could've had/ I only want to wonder, I only want my childhood back

+ "Halos Lagi Nalang"or "Almost Always The Same" - if this sounds familiar yes i rambled about this before gjdjdjd I started conceptualizing this song even before i even started conceptualizing the musical. So yea this is in Act 2 the song starts with mentioning the exhaustion that comes with being an LGBTQ+ teen in the philippines cause yup same old conservative religious bullshit same old same old shit and despite many a lot of people advocating for LGBTQ+ rights, nothing ever changes around here because well conservative religious bullshit. so yea this is kind of an extension of "Good Fight" but make it more about the burnout felt by a lot of teens that want something better than whatever we have right now. Then it will also apply to the other causes that the leads fight for (activism,destigmatization of mental health stuffs, etc). I'd say it's a combination of Before the Breakdown + Move On musically speaking (yea PMA has influenced me by a LOT). eventually this becomes one of the star numbers fo the show cause yea all the leads will do a shit ton of singing and harmonizing (but for here i'd say Noel and Kate have a tiny bit more of the spotlight since for now they are the ones with the very LGBTQ+ based plotlines). I really REEAAALLY want this song to work aaaa i've been playing around with the melody a lot recently and if i can't write the whole musical, then i'll be content with at the very least writing this song

+ "Try Lang Natin" or "Let's Try It Out" - this is a very barebones sequence atm but basically it's a scene where both Kate and Ella come to terms with their fears related to uncertainty and go "fuck it we don't know jackshit about the future anyway so why not ondulge a bit and ejoy what we have today" and decide to start going out with each other YAYYYYY and also this is like one of the few scenes here were Ella is much more visibly nervous compared to everyone else in the scene so yay for helping each other come to terms with their own vulnerabilities WOOOOO (also paige i remember you saying once that kate and eva could've had a Forever reprise duet right? And correct me if i'm wrong but i think u said it could be about eva assuring kate that she won't go anywhere? WELP I'M STEALING THAT JFJSJJDF /lh /hj AND YUP KATE AND ELLA ARE BASICALLY UM KINDA KATEVA IF YOU SQUINT SO THANK YOU PAIGE FOR THAT IDEAAAA)

AND THAT'S IT SO FAR WOO THIS TOOK ME 5 HOURS TO TYPE IT ALL OUT FJDJSJFF i'm kinda impressed with this ngl considering that i literally started making this up last night and i hope that i can make something out of it woo

And if you guys somehow reached the end of the post and have read every single thing, I'm sending you a lot of hugs and a lot of milkshakes

[gayleefiora]

also earlier i had heard you correct yourself and call b your ex-girlfriend which made me smile cuz last week you said girlfriend a couple times and it freaked me out but this is the first time i’ve heard you say ‘ex’ and it was a relief.

so we go to the bus stop and i make you keep walking bc theres people at all the bus stops and im like UGH. i take your hand but its a little awkward so i try to pull it away but you wont let me bc you know i want to touch and we do a little hand dance and then let go and its nice. then as soon as we get there the bus is coming. and im quite frustrated and youre like do you want to get on? and i’m like, i want you to take care of your business but also NO i don’t i dont want it to be here this soon but... what do you want? and the bus is coming and you’re like uhhhh and im like now or never dude and youre like no. dont take it. lets hang out a little longer and im like good. yes. bc thats all i want in that moment. 

so we walk and come eventually to volunteer park and you tell me that’s where you buried your other rat. we walk for a bit. im exhausted, like i havent felt so tired/happy/confused/heartbroken/heartfull/vulnerable in a long time. i just want to go to the dark. so i collapse by a tree and you collapse next to me and we’re already touching so i know its okay. i just turn to you and bury my face in the crook of your shoulder and then its too much and i want to hold you like i do at night when i think of you. and i do. you stretch your arm around me and we just breathe and you hold me. i feel so safe and comfortable and like slightly relaxed for the first time in hours, maybe all day. and we just do that for a while. you hold me and the energy shifts eventually so i switch and hold you so you can feel safe and comfortable and taken care of. and you want it. you want to be held by me. you run your fingers through my hair so soft but firm and i feel so loved. i rub your shoulder and put my fingers deep in your hair and its so thick and beautiful just like mine. your hand is curled on top of your shoulder and one arm is slung across me and when i brush your hand you grasp for me and so i hold your hand while we lay curled together, mostly silent, in the dark. 

you say i dont want to move and i say i dont either. eventually youre like ‘i really dont want to get up. but i have to’ and im like i know its okay. lets try a practice run and you dont move and neither do i. we move closer somehow and i bury my face in your hair. but eventually you do get up and i do too and its okay. we walk back to the bus stop, not touching. 

we get to the bus stop and it comes v soon but before it comes for some reason we’re talking about raccoons. there’s a ladder and you say raccoon ladder? and i say nah, they’re too heavy. but then i remember theyre hella smart and fast and i tell you about jes and the raccoons and the lake. and youre cracking up even tho you don’t know her and i love you for it. and i need to tell you, have been meaning to tell you for a while. so we see the bus and you reach out your arms and i fall into them. and i say ‘i love you’ in the real way and you say ‘i love you too.’ 

you sort of let me go but not really. i hear/feel you kiss the top of my head. you don’t want to let go. i look at your face and its so beautiful and cute and shining with love and i say like a little kid ‘bye raccoon’ and you say bye. get home safe. i’ll see you soon. sweet dreams and i say sweet dreams for you too. and get on the bus which is gross and full of fuckin weirdos but im not focused on that. bc i am focused on this. i text you when i get home and i think you’re not going to text me but at 1:35 you do. you say “<3 me too i think (re: being okay). i hope youre having sweet dreams” its like the fourth time we’ve said that to each other. i love that you texted me even tho you think im asleep. its also at the exact moment i am thinking of you and specifically of sex and how incredibly much i will fall apart when/if we ever have sex. and i hear my phone ding and its just like wow. wow. you love me. you even said it. we said it. 

i just... i dont know what to think or feel or anything rn. i still rly want a spliff but also not. its just wow. its so funny how we cant stop touching now that we did once. like i cant turn off my vulnerability and i keep expecting you to run from it or me but you dont. you just get CLOSER and MORE LOVING and its so weird to me!!! we’re so well balanced!!! because thats what i do for you, is i am always grounded and can always support you and be close to you and make you feel beloved and special but you are so good at doing that for me and its just. wow. it felt so fucking good to hold you. ive spent so many nights imagining it and thinking it would never happen and you must have to. but it did. that happened. i said i love you and you didnt run away, you said ‘i love you too’. which i mean i knew but also!!! to hear it!!! it still doesn’t feel real.

so. that was last night. idk exactly where we go from here except everywhere. you just kept making such an effort to tell me how important and special i am to you. you said it multiple times, at the nus stop too again i think. i know you did bc i said ‘when you say those things i want to respond, but i cant. bc my brain doesnt know how to process. bc it feels so much. if i cant make eye contact with you, i am overwhelmed. thats what that means. it means so much to hear and so i get really quiet and look away but its just bc i want it so much that i dont know how to handle it.’ and yr like its okay, and you just understand. you understand so much. work is hilarious bc we’re so fucking telepathic, esp when its busy. like fuckin lmao we bussed a table in like 15 seconds flat and i saw you about to knock over a waffle batter container and i s2g i CAUGHT IT halfway between the fridge and floor and saved it bc we are that in tune. 

you thanked me at one point. idk why. i said thank YOU then said i mean also like, i accept and that’s sweet. but also. thank you. god. it was so incredibly sweet. i can see how much you love me written over your face all the time but esp when we were in your apartment. no one has ever, ever ever soothed my vulnerability like that. not even dylan or tat. no one has been that sweet with me and known what i needed except myself. to just be held. and loved. and cuddled. by you. the sweetest, smartest, kindest, most beautiful person i have ever met. the most interesting person i’ve ever met. im so fucking in love with you and you... feel that way about me and know i need to hear it and tell me and it cant even be for the reaction cuz i cant GIVE you the reaction in the moment but you know anyways because you can read my eyes so well. thats why i cant look at you sometimes. cuz you’ll see my whole face and know. 

jesus jesus jesus christ.