#esp of what nonbinary 'looks' like. esp if a person can more or less tell where you started from lmfao

[moe-broey]

It is kinda funny I feel like I'm functionally nonbinary. In the way that people tend to perceive me/interact with me, if they don't know me on a super personal level. Despite 100% being Just Some Guy. Which can be a part of anyone's gender tbh, but for me it literally means I'm a man. Average he/him, no notes. Just like REALLY fucking bad at it I guess LMFAOO

[tahitianmangoes]

A long, rambling non-fandom post about loneliness

So I've been using Bumble BFF (like bumble for dating but for friends) for around 3 months now and it's really not great.

I thought it would be a good idea to meet new people in my area because making friends as an adult is seriously hard. Pretty much everyone at work is older than me and while I don't mind having older friends, they're very different to me - mainly cishet white ladies who are married with kids. And as much as articles and blogs about making friends as an adult will tell you to just "put yourself out there", a) it's not that easy, esp during a pandemic and b) it's not normal. I can't just strike up conversation with someone at the gym because not only is that annoying, it can be taken the wrong way (ie people think I'm hitting on them) and just come off as plain weird. People don't really just strike up conversation with strangers here and if it does happen, you're spending the entire conversation wondering when this weirdo is going to leave you alone. I also think people can sense desperation. Clinging onto a new, potential friend too tightly can also drive them away because it freaks them out. Being too available, too happy to do this and that for people... It reminds me of some cringey times I had at uni when I was just trying so hard to connect with people that I ended up pushing them away because it made them feel uncomfortable. I think I do it to the majority of people, whether they be real life friends or online. It led me to start thinking maybe I'm just better off alone.

I decided to use Bumble BFF after seeing an ad for it but it just ends up with me matching with people, playing messaging ping pong with them for a bit until one of us forgets or gets busy and then that's the end of that. A couple people added me on What's App but one just messages me about Kpop stuff (as we're both into Kpop) and doesn't seem to have any intention of meeting up and the other ghosted me. I've also ran into some transphobic profiles too which is not encouraging. I actually had the premium account for a while as it was on a discount and found the experience to be better despite not meeting anyone in person as now I think I'm shown less profiles and I also can't filter people anymore. I just assumed that people using an app to get new friends would be more interested in... making friends? Maybe I'm wrong. Some people just seem to want to grow their social media followings, find travel/gig companions, housemates and unfortunately lots of the men seem to be using the friend app disingenuously.

All of this to say, I'm still super lonely and haven't made a friend since downloading the app.

So I took a step back. My therapist said that maybe it's hard for me to make friends when I'm working on myself, which I can understand. Although I started therapy and I've started taking meds, it's only the beginning of my journey. So I was excited when an acquaintance of mine messaged me following a post I made on IG during pride month about being nb/trans. I've never "come out" publicly as I feel it's not important. They are also trans and suggested we hang out sometime. I gave them my availability and that was 2 weeks ago. The message is marked as seen and they've just not replied. Maybe I should have known as they tried to organise a hang out between us before which never happened either so maybe they're just majorly flaky but I can't help but take it to heart. I've really wanted more trans and nonbinary friends but finding them is just so hard, especially ones more my age.

I had told my therapist about all of this, saying that once I had stopped looking for friends, this person came to me and wanted to hang. But that turned out not to be true. And now suddenly I feel like that person all those years ago at uni, stretching myself, changing myself, doing whatever it took just to get someone to come back to my flat and watch stupid movies with me and hang out like normal people do. And even now, years on, I'm still being rejected and ghosted. I still can't make people stay.

I'd never voiced that I was lonely until I spoke to my therapist. It feels so stupid. People my age shouldn't be lonely, I should have an army of pals that I go on nights out with, to festivals with, on holiday with. But the truth is I have 1 friend and although I love her, our relationship was built on toxic foundations and now I've been having therapy and thinking more about the past, I can see that they abused me when I was super vulnerable. Sure, people grow and change and I have no doubt that she has in the 10 years I've known her but I feel a certain way about what happened and what she did and feel like new relationships might be better for me.

So I guess I'll continue matching with people on Bumble BFF and never hanging out with them, I'll keep scouring local meet up boards to see if I can pluck up the courage to go to something and keep trying to find trans/non binary events in my city.

Years ago, when I was a teen, I went through this weird phase of being obsessed with Sex and the City. In the movie on New Year's Eve, Carrie goes across New York to Miranda who's moved to Brooklyn and is spending the New Year alone because her ex has their kid that weekend. Carrie turns up on the doorstep with takeout and they spend New Year together. For some reason, I have that imagine in my head of friendship. I know it's unrealistic, movies aren't realistic but one day it'd be great to find the Carrie to my Miranda.

[birdlibrary]

okay im having some transgender thoughts re: pronouns

when I was first in my not-a-man nonbinary gender feels, talking about my pronouns felt liberatory and celebratory - like look, this is me! I feel excited for this part of myself, let me tell you my pronouns so you can refer to me and see my correctly! - over time and esp with my trans-maleness and he/him pronoun preference I almost resent the pronoun and inclusivity rituals that I so frequently find myself a part of within these queer / liberal (ick) and activisty circles and nodes I touch down in. not wanting to acknowledge my gender or perhaps more specifically my transness and maybe even therein my body, my genitals, (my sexual preferences even???) to some group of people I find myself among. my difference or lack of sameness (boring). seems like this only feels necessary when cis people or just not-queer people are present. almost like this ritual has become something for them, instead of for us, for trans people. because in truly liberating and radical trans spaces I'm so much less worried about my gender being perceived (and find that we do less pronoun intros in these extra trans spaces tbh), and I guess I allow myself to trust this kind of crowd with perceiving my gender not necessarily "correctly" (because what even is that) but in a way that I don't need to worry myself into too much. because I trust other trans people not to worry about my gender and I do not trust cis people with this same sentiment. because at the very least I am being perceived not as a body gendered by my body if that makes sense. which is the crux of it!! of what I am trying to get at. being around cis people is uncomfortable because it makes me hyper aware of how they are perceiving me: how they think about my body and how it interacts with other bodies. (do cis people think about other cis bodies like this???) so the pronoun ritual is either requiring me to label or out myself or choose a signifier that will then allow cis people to think about and refer to me in some way that in reality guarantees nothing about how they will actually think about me in their head. it does not guarantee respect and also maybe makes it worse when they inevitably fuck up because it means the extra emotional work I'm doing for them to see me did not pay off. SO -- not only did I then feel uncomfortable in like an inner eye rolling way while telling them my pronouns and worrying about the intricacies they experience in perceiving me when I do that but I am then let down again when they fail to perceive me "correctly," which I don't think even exists. the question is how did pronouns become for cis people? when I'm saying my pronouns it feels like a performance for cis people. does my gender feel like performance for cis people? I only trust trans people to truly see me as just a person, or just a cool friend / hot boy / gross man / they want to wife me / want to exclaim "girl" at me in my absolute gorge outfit I'm wearing. which makes me both so warm and giddy at my trans siblings at also sad at my cis people whom I love and have dear kinship with. because in saying this and feeling this it's not really about my cis kin but my not-cis kin. yet still, my cis kin, who I don't worry about this with all that much, I still don't trust them to fully see me in this way in the way that I trust trans people to. with trans people we don't have to acknowledge gender with each other at all for me to believe that they at the very least won't see me or treat me like a cis existence (perhaps i am saying like an other/outsider?). like there's just instant solidarity between us, even if we are so different or very politically unaligned or even if theyre still working through internalized transphobia. and their betrayals in this respect I can forgive more easily (personally), because I have an easier time relating to and understanding a trans person's self hatred and transphobia and coming to terms with their own transness and struggling and taking it out on others (other trans people :( .

[androgynousblackbox]

That post about being owed androgyny bothers me honestly because yes we are expected to be androgynous and yes we are punished if we aren't. The fact that we're still punished either way is just the regular old catch 22 part of oppression, see also women and femininity, esp. trans women. That being a feminine trans woman is also hated and punishable doesn't mean there isn't the expectation that she has to be, especially in the trans community. "Where in society are we expected to be androgynous" looks super dumb from the perspective of anyone who's been in trans spaces, on socmed, ever had anyone irl say "then why do you dress like a boy/girl?", etc, and the shit androgynous ppl go through doesn't disprove that, it just proves that there isn't a right way to be queer.

Idk it just rubs me the wrong way, I feel like there was a different way to word "androgynous nb people are not free from harassment" than to pretend there isn't this quite prevalent expectation nb people like me can't escape.

The reblog I shared I personally thought it was very poignant when they said stuff like this: "When you say things like "I'm misgendered and told I'm not really nonbinary because my body isn't androgynous enough", I do hear the pain, not just of being misgendered and invalidated, but of having to accept that this will never go away.

It's not true, though. It's not because your body isn't androgynous enough. It's because forcible binarization is how society treats nonbinary people. [...] At other times, forcible binarization of nonbinary people takes the form of disingenuous promises that if you were just a bit more androgynous, a little more masculine, a little more feminine, a little less this or a bit more that, then surely they'd respect your gender then.

But that's a binarist lie.

And yes, it's a lie that gets told by queer people, liberals, leftists, people who'll swear up and down they have nothing against nonbinary people, because it's a lie that people are telling themselves. But it's something we have to let go of to fight forcible binarization." I do think this is something we tend to forget when our queer spaces are reduced to socmeds. No shame if that is the only queer space many people have access to, I know that is not something people necesarily chose to happen, but we concentrate on certain things on such a way we start missing the forest for the trees. Like, as non binary people, as trans people, we are all fucked already, even in our communities, because our communities are part of this society and this society fucking hate us already. Our communities are not this separate entity with rules completely devoid of any connection with what happens on the rest of the world, but statements where we look the expectation of androgyny RATHER than the forced binarization of non binary people as a whole doesn't... really do much? Because then we start arguing between each other ("people who want to be androgynous ARE valid!", "people who don't want to be androgynous are valid!", "being androgynous doesn't make you stereotype!", etc) instead to pointing to the actual source of this shit. Following your example, femenine trans women/femme enbies are fucked, not because of them being femenine or not being femenine, but because society is build in transmisogyny/misogyny/colonialistic ideas of gender as it is and we, as a community, are absolutely capable of absorbing and repeating those ideas without examining our own biases. Just look at the way trans femme black and other MOC are treated. It's fucking horrid and we are not desconstructing anything by saying "non binary people don't owe you androgyny" because yeah, we don't, but the focus can and should be first in how our genders deserves to be aknowledged and respected regardless of any fucking presentation, because that is part of what respecting our human dignity fucking means. I don't know, maybe I am doing a shit job explaining it and I don't want to invalidate anyone's struggles or feelings regarding their own experiences, but to me personally feels like a message I needed to be reminded too because I don't like to think that if I were more this or less that or whatever then my gender would be respected. Because that is bullshit and I know is bullshit because I literally tried almost everything anyone could try, and it didn't worked and it wasn't my fault, and everything wouldn't have worked either even if I magically could turn myself into this ideal that exist only on my head. I would just be facing a different set of troubles, not less. It's all part of the exact same shit coin, both consequences of a single shitter. "it just proves that there isn't a right way to be queer." Fucking exactly. So why we act as if there is by implying that things would be better if we were androgynous, if we were more femme, if we were more masc, and any issue we face is because we failed to be any of those things, when the truth is we are all hurting because of the same rules we are all breaking and it fucking sucks?

[obeysword]

personality traits / quirks

i’ve been thinking of this a lot bc unlike some of the other IT members, yu doesn’t really have nervous tells. which i guess makes sense when you’re a silent protag in a jrpg, but everyone should naturally have one or two. so i think when yu gets anxious & worked up, he clenches his fists. he will clench his teeth. grip at his clothes or his arms to steady himself & ground himself with reality. pain is a good way to offer focus or to feel the weight of something around you, like you’re clinging to a lifeline before tipping over the edge. they’re silent acts & not things that draw much focus or attention like scratching the back of your neck, looking away when flustered. when yu gets flustered, he’ll shake his head or even smile a little - depending on the type of attitude presented toward him. when he’s worked up, he can still keep his face mostly neutral & impassive, basically giving the impression that he’s fine & his words can remain steady. his eyes are often very clear or glazed when masking. sometimes he has slips, but prompted he’ll change the meaning of what he was implying & make you think, yeah you just misunderstood.

it is so hard to see through this guy. even when nanako was confirmed dead in the hospital, the only time he allowed himself to break & show how utterly upset he was about everything was when yosuke came back after the others walked away. he totally must have cried in nanako’s room with dojima, but when he exits out into the hallway it’s only the IT group that has tears in their eyes or running down their cheeks. narukami breaks down & cries on yosuke. asking him ‘did i make the right choice...letting namatame go like that?’ he’s a silent crier, clearly still trying to hold everything together when everything inside of him is beyond broken. the fact he only trusts yosuke to see him this way, clings onto him, really speaks volumes & parallels back to when yosuke cries on him in their confidant. & in good consciousness, i can’t see yosuke leaving narukami alone at the hospital while dojima was probably heavily sedated after trying to attempt murder on namatame also. narukami is not fine. dojima is not fine. the group comes back the next morning to check on him & go over the case again, they’ve all had a change of clothes except for narukami, which implies he didn’t go home or change.

he feels beyond empty inside. like all the light has been removed from his world, but then his light shows up again & assures him that it’s not over yet. yosuke is always shown to pull narukami out of the darkness, even when he’s dropping & falling in on himself after nanako’s death.

i still think he goes through spades where he can’t sleep well at night. he has to start stealing dojima’s booze just to sleep & still wakes up sweating from nightmares of adachi, namatame, or ame-no-sagiri. i don’t think narukami likes drinking & i really don’t think he acts like how he did in the animation where he takes on being an intense player sort of dude. but the fall out is bad for him. i think he has times where he doesn’t have an appetite & has to be encouraged to eat during this time too.

on another note with personality traits:

i think a lot of the beauty is destiny ending credits too. how oddly feminine narukami’s pose is during them? i’ve only really seen female characters / women taking this pose with their arms folded over their chests. men rarely ever are shown taking this pose.

& when the arcana shatters, the pose is still feminine & vulnerable in ways that you don’t see his character often being.

idk this is just a mental point i think about whenever i see the credits or listen to the song. his character is portrayed differently than many main protags in other animes, esp for the time-frame when the p4 series came out. i love this little touch because i think it shows how he’s someone who doesn’t have toxic masculinity in his nature. he’s rose above traditional norms set for japanese men & japan in general is very traditional culturally. you can see how naoto struggles to be accepted in a male driven society, & this is played again in p5 with sae telling makoto how challenging her job is due to the fact she’s a woman. kanji struggles to acknowledge his feminine side because people frown on how “girly” he acts. he’s not accepted by men or women & he feels there’s something wrong with him. narukami never felt there was something wrong with his friends. kanji’s knitting is cute! he should be proud to be so talented.

i can honestly say, narukami would make an ideal traditional housewife but he would be really bored with it too lol. but he is so comfortable with his manhood & sexuality unlike the characters who struggle to accept it. chie wishes she was as feminine as yukiko & gets embarrassed about her tomboy nature. kanji makes peace with his feminine side & realizes how wrong he was about what his dad meant. naoto is a harder one to place, because i think she still has struggles with defining which gender she identifies as & is more or less gender fluid / nonbinary - at least that’s how i see her, agree to disagree. & yosuke is shown to have a lot of toxic masculinity & struggles with accepting his sexuality to where he comes off as aggressively heterosexual to make up for the fact he’s interested in men.

narukami is so interesting because he’s always liked himself. he’s a person who genuinely likes himself for who he is & that is so refreshing to find. he has his flaws, but he accepts them & grows from them.

[bunnyblooms]

OKAY FUCKER ALL THE QUESTIONS FROM THAT ASK MEME THE LGBT ONE

1. Identity and pronouns.

I'm agenderfluid and they/them pronouns. My sexuality is aroflux and asexual.

2. How did you discover your sexuality?

Pretty much at 14 was like "idk i don't relate to everyone else i don't find celebrities hot or sex remotely something i want. If i could reproduce without sex i would. Oh. I'll just call myself asexual, like a sponge!" (Which asexual is incidentally what the creators of Spongebob were going for, fun facts. Spongebob is ace rights.)

3. Have you experienced being misgendered? How do you overcome it?

Mmmm I am constantly misgendered bc I'm nonbinary and live in a binary society and the way I compartmentalize it is basically just dressing how I want and not making an attempt to pass as anything tbh. The only time I feel misgendered is when someone knows my pronouns and doesn't use them anymore tbh. So basically. Letting go of how I want to be perceived helped. I will say tho, I refuse to come out to my dad bc he won't respect it and it'll be more painful hearing him misgender me knowing how I identify, but. That's certainly a privilege I have since I'm not transitioning. (ATM at least.)

4. Who was the first person you told? How did they react?

I technically didn't come out as ace. My ex-best friend knew bc I talked about it, but neither of us knew it was an identity. So the transition upon finding the label was virtually nonexistent and all of my friends were LGBTQ as well so it wasn't stressful or shocking. It helps that around the time I discovered the label I'd met two friends who were ace and felt the same way I did. My experience with my asexuality is definitely the model that should be the norm with the community and what we as a society should aim for.

As for my gender I'd made comments in the past that I wished I could just be genderless and it really kind of sat with me when my ex-best friend came out as trans bc I was like "Oh? You don't have to be the gender you are at birth?" Belial from Angel Sanctuary was a character that resonated with me at the time, and this was right around the time I made my ace friends. It wasn't until a year later that I discovered the nb community and one friend who was genderfluid that I decided to start trying different pronouns. And basically I came out as questioning and transitioned to nb without a formal declaration, which I also feel should be the goal for society.

I was at a con with my best friend at the time who was trans and he'd come out with my now ex-best friend while they were dating. And I was really anxious bc I felt like ppl would assume I was a transtrender and shit, and my friend said something about gender and I kind of awkwadly implied I might not identify as female and he was really great about it! He was like "If you wanna talk about it or try different pronouns you can." :D

5. Describe what it was like coming out.

I pretty much did this im question 4 hehehe.

6. If you're out, how did ppl react?

I'm not out to family, that I know of. They found my facebook which has my identity listed in my about, so I'm in limbo with them where none of us talk about it so idk if they register it as an LGBTQ thing or not.

My friends were all supportive! It helps that I have like no cishet friends lmao.

I also came out to my class on TDOV two years ago for a project where we step outside our comfort zone. I'm luckily in the social work program which has social justive built into the tenants of the profession so it was pretty positive! People still misgendered me after and were more concerned with "but i'm scared of ppl getting angry at me what should i do to talk about this with them" which. 9__9 Not surprising. But there was a mom whose kid and her kid's partner are both genderfluid and bigender so it was a good experience and I had an ally which made me comfortable in sharing it in the first place.

7. What is one question you hate ppl asking about your sexuality?

Inevitably when I say I'm ace, non-aces assume I have no interest in dating which. Way to conflate being aroace with ace and ignore that there are aros and aces who want relationships. That's my biggest pet peeve.

8. Describe the style of clothing you often wear.

I wear flannels and ripped jeans or shorts mainly. I basically dress like a butch lesbian. I'll wear dresses and stuff but I do not like dressing femme and prefer to offset softer things with hard things. Like. When I wear dresses I have to wear clunky combat boots with them or have short hair or something.

9. Who are your favorite LGBTQ+ ships?

Hmmm. Depends if you mean canon or not. Canon, it's probably FigAyda from D20 and Catradora from She-ra. Shion/Nezumi from No.6 is also one of my faves. There's also Chie and Ai from Virgin's Empire. Blupjeans from The Adventure Zone and JonMartin from The Magnus Archives.

As for Not Confirmed ships, I like Flick/CJ from Animal Crossing, Tsuna/Enma from Katekyo Hitman Reborn, uhhh. Reigisa from Free!, Kanji/Naoto from Persona and Chihiro/whatever the fuck his name is Mondo? Or the other guy I forget, from Danganronpa. Also RenLaw, RenStrade, and VinceLaw+VinceFarz from BTD.

(I am including straight relationships involving trans ppl obv.)

10. What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

I hate how I look with make up it makes me dysphoric. But to me makeup is a good expressive outlet and bomb as hell, so when I do wanna wear makeup, I prefer wearing eyeliner and lipstick (esp in black or blue or green or purple) and glitter.

11. Do you experience dysphoria? How does it affect you?

I experience what I refer to as Silhouette Dysphoria a lot. I experience chest dysphoria but a lot of times it's less about me having them at all and me not liking how I look with them. The same goes for my hips and overall shape. Hence silhouette. I also experience genital dysphoria to a lesser degree, and when I do it's less hating my genitals bc they should be different but more just having any at all. Luckily I was born with internal genitalia so I don't have to think about it as much. Social dysphoria I also experience, but I've talked about that already.

How I deal with it is binding and stuff.

12. What is the stupidest thing you've heard said about the LGBTQ+ community?

Hmm. The ppl who genuinely argue that accepting the community means you'll be forced to accept pedophilia or beastiality. Like. Lmao no?

13. Favorite thing about the community?

I just love how great it feels to be in it tbh. It can be so positive and loving and just genuinely make you feel good about yourself.

14. Least favorite thing about the community?

Exclusionists.

15. Have you ever been to your city's pride event?

No, but I went to Pride in Des Moines!!! IT WAS GREAT!

16. Favorite LGBTQ+ celebrity?

I don't really follow celebrities, but probably Ian McEllen and Tim Gunn.

17. Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

I was in a relationship for a while with a friend of mine and it was wonderful tbh. We met in a server and started talkng more, and started out as qpps then became partners and like we broke up, but I still enjoyed the experience and wouldn't go back in time and stop it from happening. My other qpp tho. That's something I would do lmao.

I also have a bf but that's a secret~

18. Favorite LGBTQ+ book.

I haven't read a lot of books, so I guess I have to say The Raven Cycle bc that's the only one I remember reading.

19. Have you ever faced discrimination?

Mmmm the only time I have experienced direct discrimination I was giving a friend valentines chocolate in high school and some kid called me a d*ke when i walked past him.

The other stuff is like. My therapist telling me to check for a hormone imbalance when I said I was asexual.

20. Favorite LGBTQ+ movie/show?

She-ra, "To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything", The Runaways (the movie not the show), No. 6.

21. Favorite LGBTQ+ bloggers?

I don't have any lmao.

22. Which slur do you want to reclaim?

Queer, bc it's already been reclaimed and it fits me.

23. Have you ever gone to a gay bar or drag show? How was it?

Nope. Never, but it'd be fun!!

24. How do you idrntify your gender?

Already answered this lol.

25. Interested in having kids?

Nope. I'd be too scared of screwing them up.

26. What identity service would you give your younger self?

I wish I'd known there was an ace community before I was older tbh. So that, probably.

27. What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

I personally like playing a feminine role, but I also think gender roles are unecessary, so like. As long as I'm an equal I don't care what role I play lmao. If you wanna treat me like the handmaiden, as long as you're not doing it bc you see me as a woman I don't care.

28. Anything else you wanna share about your gender?

Nah. Just. I don't bother trying to pin it down anymore bc the more I analyze it the less I understand it.

29. Something you wish ppl knew about being LGBTQ+?

Hmmmm not really. It's fun outside of the systemic oppression?

30. Why are you proud to be LGBTQ+?

For me it's less about pride in being LGBTQ+ and more being proud to express myself authentically. 🤷

[knifekris]

PLEAS tell us about your au....... and i hope you'll feel better soon!! stay careful and dont get sick please 😔

im already sick anon im sorry 😔 HOWEVER…

[ QUICK DISCLAIMER this tyzias uses they/he pronouns which is slightly different from the standard they/them i use but its butch lesbian indulgence hours and im God. anyways. ]

[ALSO UNDER THE CUT BC THIS IS LONG]

lemme tell you about zizi “tyzias” strider

alright so the premise for this au is basically “dave still had bro as a guardian but tyzias’ baby meteor crashed on top of dirks and smushed him” so alpha dave goes “well fuck i guess i have a troll baby now”

when i was talking to my roommate about this they put the mental image in my head of like, alpha dave with one of those baby carriers with grub tyzias just on his chest while he was fighting the clowns on the white house and while that may not be canon its Really Fucking Funny to me and i hope i get around to drawing it

um um anyways dave wasnt about to assign an alien baby a gender so he kind of left some of his shit for them and some shit hed think rose would leave for a girl or w/e but for the most part just stuff he Thought Would Be Cool– basically what dirk got originally but w some more variety and probably less anime shit because i actually like tyzias . anyways. they still get lil cal bc i feel like thats probably narratively important and for the most part tyzias is just like “yeah thats my puppet lil cal he’s pretty neat i guess. anyways”. obviously theyre going to treasure anything and everything dave left for them bc theyre sappy like that and literally dont have anything else.

it took a couple years for tyzias to realize how different they are from their human friends and they have this really deep insecurity stemming from when they realized theyre not a human like their ‘dad’/’bro’ but a troll like the condesce and they dont know SHIT or FUCK about troll culture or physiology except for whats out there for them to find which isnt a lot. so they get this weird irrational fear that if theyre not careful theyre gonna end up violent and bloodthirsty like )(IC who is a person who hurt not only dave but also rose and is actively making theirs n roxys lives hell and its a lot of “im so different from everyone i know and its in an arguably bad way”. especially wrt molting and blood color n stuff they dont have any explanations for anything except “im different from my friends and its weird and i dont want them to know because then they might think im weird or even BAD for being a troll”

they work REALLY hard on not letting this insecurity get in the way of who they want to be for their friends– which is to say they want to be someone dependable and  a person to lean on and to look to for support. **!!blood player hours alert!!** tyzias feels responsible for the people around them (jane roxy jake) and wants to do what they can to ensure that they all stay safe and happy because other than a long-dead alpha dave these are the people that they have and thats really important to them.

i know theres no class or aspect doubling within the kids but i reaaaalllyyy wanna make them a seer of blood but might settle for mage. seer would help out wrt the game over bullshit because you have to think about where dirk was during the fight and why he wasnt IN it and why he didnt go with john and roxy to the new timeline and stuff. these are all things that make me wanna reread homestuck so i can get a cohesive thing going on. anyways.

dirks version of masculinity affected a LOT of stuff in homestuck and so did lil hal and with both of those things gone u gotta think about like. for example jake and how hes all gung-ho about being a Dude and Manly and the way he goes about exploring his gender kind of cluelessly. and i dont want to make tyzias more ‘woke’ than they necessarily WOULD be in their scenario but i like to think theyd get a decent grasp on what it meant to be a butch lesbian– or at least enough to find comfort and joy and happiness in it while learning more about it and themselves as they grow. the internet exists on earth b. im allowed.

anyways jake and tyzias are best friends and its the most wonderful dynamic thats come out of this thing (there are a lot of good dynamics. i have a lot of very specific self indulgent things going on in this au.)

[ tyzias noogying jake and saying “hey you fuckin’ nerd” while he yells “JEEPERS, ZIZI” ]

tyzias and jake get to talk about things like masculinity and what even is a gender in a post-apocalyptic wasteland/on a deserted island and i think esp with tyzias’ aversion to showing what they look like or sending pics jake would go about assuming that tyzias is his Dude Friend until one day they have a conversation where tyzias goes “no bro im a lesbian” and jake has this moment of like. “… :D well thats neat buddy”

anyways tyzias encourages jake to go out and explore the island in SAFE and HEALTHY ways and they voice call while hes out and about so they can sort-of hang out as best as you can across spacetime and its fun. they like talking about stories (usually movies and shows) together bc its their common interest. 

zizi is really into storytelling and writing which is kind of a mirror of dirk/dave being really into drawing while holding onto zizi’s interest in literature and history n stuff.

as for roxy i think itd be really neat if tyzias’ “what is gender in a post-apocalyptic wasteland” thing inspired them to think about themselves and what their gender is vs. janes and maybe (or definitely) they come out as nonbinary and jane gets to be confused by zizi and roxys “weird pronoun preferences”

shit there is SO MUCH to think about with this. fuck. send me more specific questions so i dont just get caught up in my brain with all this. theres so much.

[flying-elliska]

You said it feels cool to have a specific identity but isn't that exactly why we are seen as the special snowflake generation? Not to mention wasn't the whole point to be free from stereotypes and dress however we want, love whoever we want etc? And yet there's now so many identities, labels, flags which create an implicit pressure to define yourself so you'll be included. Idk I think your french friends are right,it still feels like we're pushing people into boxes; they're just woke boxes now.

Hey anon ! Thank you for this very interesting question. I hope you’re ok with getting a mini-essay as a response (that’s kind of my brand now lmao)

So first of all, if you don’t feel like you personally need labels, you are totally valid. And so are my friends. I think you have to find out what you’re most comfortable with. It’s true that labels can be used to exclude, esp in the LGBTQ+ communities. I think we focus our activism a little bit too much on words and online stuff and media representation nowadays, as opposed to practical political action, and that’s an issue. And we focus too much on people not having the correct, latest approved terminology and labels as a way to show you’re a good person, as opposed to what people are actually doing and their lived experiences, and who is authorized to use what label and those debates often just exasperate me to the highest point. It’s like, don’t you have anything better to do ? It becomes very clique-ish, school courtyard drama at times. There should always be a place for questioning, fluidity, no labels, a place for discovery and uncertainty, shifting identifications, multiple labels at once, words changing, and questioning what place they take in our lives.

But, on the whole, I still like my labels, and I’m going to try and explain why. 

Labels are words right ? They have the benefits and drawbacks of words. A rose under any other name would still smell as sweet, of course. But we are a fundamentally social species, and words are a way to create bridges between people, between our experiences. It signals that you are not alone ; it’s a way to make visible things that are usually invalidated, ostracized or just plain erased by the mainstream and the status quo. The development of a vocabulary for the queer community was what made their political struggle and pride possible ; before it was “the love that dare not speak it name”, all euphemisms and shame. It honors, too, the struggle of those who came before us ; it places us in the continuity of a history ; it says we have been here before, it gives us memory and context. Of course words are going to betray us, because they can never retranscribe the fullness, complexity and confusion of lived experience. But they’re a conversation starter ; they bring people together ; they create spaces of freedom. 

I’m going to give you a personal example : a few years ago I fell in love with a girl for the first time ; after that I seriously started thinking of myself as bisexual. There had always been a thing there but because I had been mostly attracted to boys before, I’d swept it under the rug. But finding the ‘bisexual’ label made me realize - no this is a thing, this is valid, and it made me look back at all those instances in the past of having weirdly intense feelings for some of my girl friends, of being obsessed with certain actresses, etc…that back then I didn’t understand, I just thought I was weird…and I always thought that bisexuality was something that something Hollywood starlets did for attention. But finding a community behind that word that was seeking to reclaim it from the stereotypes and being proud about what it meant, it was so healing.

 After that I immersed myself more in my local LGBTQ+ community ; and in particular I volunteered for the European Bisexual Convention - that one in particular was incredible because it felt so…liberating. In the general LGBTQ community, people expect you to be gay until you say otherwise. In the student association I was in, it was cool, but it was also…very normative in a way. Lots of stereotypes about how we were expected to be, what we were expected to like, behave like. So for Eurobicon, to have all of that lifted, it was amazing. And it was also so much more inclusive - of disabled, neuroatypical, transgender ppl, different body types and ethnicities, like you could feel that they had made an effort. I also met several nonbinary ppl for the first time of my life and I was like…oh wow there’s something here that feels very important and real. We shared experiences that we did not have a space before, that were specifically bisexual and that tend to go unheard in general queer spaces because they’re not part of the dominant narrative : the daily hesitations, the lack of visibility, the much higher rates of staying closeted, feeling like you are not really part of the community, but also the really cool aspects too - there was this incredible energy of fluidity too of thinking, here is a space where everyone can potentially be into everyone, there aren’t as many barriers as we usually have to think about. And there was this one party and we were all dancing and flirting in a very sweet kind of way, people of different ages and body types, gender presentations and configurations I hadn’t thought about before, a girl in a wheelchair swirling around and being treated like a queen, guys in corsets and cool butches and just some beautiful people - and there was this euphoria in the room, of recognition and kinship, and it felt so…normal, not freakish like I had been led to believe it would be. Nobody was putting on airs or trying hard or whatever, they were just being themselves. And I was like, wow, this is something I need more of in my life. And this freedom was made possible by people coming together under a certain label, recognizing that certain people have specific needs and experiences. Especially after growing up in environments that never tell you that those things are possible, finding the right label can be like coming home. 

I have other labels for myself I am less public about because I don’t want to deal with the social aspect of it, or I’m like this is none of anybody’s business, or I want to give myself the time to figure it out on my own. But they’re tools for self-knowledge, they allow me to think about things, to conceptualize, to research (and lol I’m a nerd so…). And to be less hard on myself sometimes, and to stand up for myself in a ‘I know who I am and it’s okay’ kind of way. Because society tends to pathologize, ostracize or demonize the things it doesn’t understand, and labels can protect you against that. 

In an ideal society maybe we wouldn’t need labels - to have a right to exist or survive, and that’s definitely a goal, but I think we would still make some, because that’s who we are as a species, we need to classify certain things in order to think about them. The problem is when those boxes become cages instead of like, beautiful pots to grow seeds in, like art or poetry. And of course deconstructing the boxes we don’t want remain important. But I don’t think we can ever be box-less, it just to me doesn’t compute. 

I just wanna come back to the ‘special snowflake generation’ thing. If you don’t want labels, like I said, that’s fine. But I hate hate hate that term, and I don’t want to define myself in reaction to it. To me it’s used by a) bigots who just hate the fact that natural human diversity is becoming more recognized and discussed, and want to put us back in the artificial, stifling boxes that dynamics of power, patriarchy and imperialism have made us believe were normal when they really weren’t. And b) older people who are uncomfortable with increased levels of emotional intelligence and lability among younger generations. It’s a thing I’ve noticed over and over again ; people used to talk so much less. When they had feelings in general, or experiences out of the norm, they were taught that stuffing them down and sitting on them and repressing the shit out of them, was the noble/normal/grown up thing to do. So they did and they suffered in silence. And maybe some of them now feel bitter, or at least bewildered, by younger generations refusing to do so and inventing and or reclaiming all those new ways of talking about their experiences out in the open. And so they’re like ‘it’s too much ! you’re spoiled !’ because they want to believe that their sacrifices had a point. They don’t want to realize they could have done things differently all along. It’s very sad. But I don’t think it should be a barrier to us using them like…just as we shouldn’t refrain from using washing machines because our grandmothers suffered to wash everything in a bucket…There’s nothing entitled about wanting a better life than previous generations… And to me, having more words and more space to express myself will never be a bad thing. 

[sundrenched-smilez]

I see your 'here's a lot!' and raise you: 1, 3-6, 10-13, 17-19, 21, 23, 25

1. what is your gender?

dainty + bubbly

sharp

ethereal

decadent

3. what is your gender presentation like?

being genderfluid, it’s difficult tbh, and i dont always know what my gender is at any given moment? only what feels Wrong and Uncomfy. so i just gotta trial and error until i get tired of doing that and give up, or i find smth good. this can take several minutes expressing the above feelings and aesthetics is essentially my gender pres

4. what is your Gender Euphoria Outfit? 

d+b - smth flowy, soft, traditionally more girly and femme

sharp - punk, black and spiky. metal helps, so do bracelets, and sometimes eyeliner done to a point. mb a lil slutty, but for me, not for others. tank tops, torn clothing, showing skin

ethereal - the above, but more adorned and colorful? like rly unique and confident looks. less edges, more fae

decadent - like shirts w ruffles on them, feeling like a pirate or an old century princess, loose clothes, fancy clothes, feeling a lil like royalty or thinking highly of myself. mb more animated w my actions, more dancy

5. what makes you feel validated?

ppl using my pronouns, or telling their friends “oh look at that person, theyr’e goals/theyre pretty/so hot, etc” and impressing ppl w my beauty and style that way.

ppl not knowing what genitals i have, or being confused on that front!! like i’ve told ppl im on hormones n they assumed T instead of estrogen, and that’s fun. kinda like how u like to confuse ppl 

6. top five favorite parts of your body (n why you love them)?

thighs!! they’re rly good n have recently gotten thiccer bc i put on weight, and that makes me happy c:

i have a cute butt!!

boobs, bc ive always wanted them, nd i have them now, nd im big sexy

legs, esp when shaven, bc that always feels nice. so does my tummy, it’s rl soft

i love my eyes so much, they’re such a dark, deep warm brown!!! they rllllyyy pop when i wear eyeliner w them, and im always consistently happy abt them c: i also have good lips, nd suuuuper soft skin

im cheating but i also rly adore my hair, it gets rly curly sometimes, and i love that abt it 

10. do you have any trans pride merch?

i dont!! i have a gay flag in my room tho c: 

11. recent happy trans moment?

at work yesterday, i had mentioned customers probs find me offputting bc im tall and trans, and my friend josh who i work w, was like “use that to your advantage!! I know that sounds weird, but when i wear a flower crown, it’s easier to sell to ppl, bc im the Bubbly Gay” and i was like “hi, i dont have the genitals you think i do, please buy my fragrance” in a deadpan voice, n cracked him and my manager up 

12. favorite trans headcanon?

samus aran from metroid being trans!! shes powerful and unstoppable, and i love her 

13. favorite canon trans character? (alt: 2nd favorite trans headcanon?)

i rly love elliot from On A Sunbeam, but also alex fierro from the magnus chase series!!! she’s never afraid to let ppl know when her pronouns have changed (genderfluid) and she’s out and proud, and promotes “flaunting the weird” or unique, and she always wears pink n green, which is cool. like everyone was in white snow suits for camouflage, and she still had a pink/green one somehow, nd it was rly silly 

17. something you wish you could tell your younger self?

brush ur teeth more, also dont worry, ppl will love ur dick and wont bash u for having one. you’ll have friends that love and want to b around u

18. what would your Ideal Fashion Look be?

i rly want that rose dress i drew on zuretta, mb i’ll try sewing one when i have money

19. (how) does your gender relate to your sexuality?

if u like me, ur gay, and also i rly want someone (partner wise) to call me their flame, bc that would b rly affirming and gay. like im an urban/modern pirate witch who strolls into town on odd full moons, bringing lavish gifts and showering my love in affection, sex, and laughteri like the concept of sex more than actual sex, but u know,,,, some gay thoughts

21. what makes you feel euphoric?

when i can express my genders the way i want to, or express/hold myself in a way that rly makes me all !!!!!! inside

like a firm and steady connection, resonating in my aesthetic like a beacon or a lightning strike; powerful, brimming with energy, and certainty. 

23. claim something as trans culture. 

running a joke into the ground until it's unrecognizable from what the original one was (i’m about to end this man’s whole career > me, about to fight someone “i’m about to end this man” >me answering if i’ve entered the building yet “i’m about to” > me, when i’m a muscle underneath someone’s stomach fat “i’m ab”)

editing ur friends into memes

25. what’s your favorite part of being trans?

tbh i dont rly identify as trans, just nb, bc ive always felt nonbinary; used to b rly grossed out by being called anything masculine, felt uncomfortable to take my shirt off from the age of like 6, in public spaces. called myself an individualso like im definitely not cis but i’ve always been nonbinary, so i dont feel the need to categorize myself into like “someone who isn’t as they used to be” if that makes sense. 

plus idk, uncomfy term for me specifically, doesn’t feel right. same w transfeminine, like im androgynous in the first place, and if i were feminine, i dont see the need 2 arbitrarily add trans in front of it, as if to say “im artificial”obvs those terms r affirming for others, and im rly happy abt that and encourage them to use em, but for me its just like. mmm. thats how it feels, a lil nasty nd not me. wrong, ig? feelings. its 1 am almost so im in a slightly off mindset, but also fine bc i just took like a big nap from 3:30ish to 8no gender roles, im free of constriction and can dress however tf i want bc fuck fashion trends? its just money in the pocket of a corporation. now i do like fashion, but only in that i love to see how ppl express themselves, not so much following trends and rules abt it. it’s better to b unique and have ur own style, what makes u u, what makes u comfy and happily expressed

[capitalism-must-die]

Unit 2: theorizing disability identity

I love the way this class makes my head spin, the way the readings make my head hurt, and really force me to introspect the foundations of the way I think and view and see the world. I’m not new to this feeling, and actively seek it, because it signals that I’m transforming my mind, my thought processes, my feelings, my instincts, my actions to be more aligned towards allyship and accompliceship. This class and these readings force me to challenge and question my preassumed notions, my ableist perspective, and also to channel the parts of me which put myself on the nondisabled-disabled spectrum/map. I really am grappling with this idea of what constitutes a disabled person, who can claim that identity, and the internal hierarchies that exist within disability communities. I believe that identities which are oppressed (constitute oppressed groups) and constitute the basis of people for systematic oppressions (black people, immigrants, latinx people, muslims/middle eastern people, disabled people, LGTBQI+ people, old people, women, indigenous people, incarcerated people, leftists, etc.) are socially constructed, but that the fact that they are socially constructed does not reduce the materiality and reality of material conditions faced by these identities because they are living people of these identities. Its important that when reading my writing, the reader understands that this is the way in which i navigate my life and analyze the world around me. these identities which fall on the spectrum of oppressed and privileged (and it is never that neat--internal hierarchical power play and oppression is very much real and must be addressed) are a social construction, and we really all exist on a spectrum of the basis of these identities (and binaristic thinking is a social construction). However, binaristic thinking allows us to find common identity among shared experiences, similar conditions and materiality of abuses, discrimination, microaggressions, oppressions felt and which constrain us. this brings up the issues of “passing”--the concept that someone of an oppressed identity (which is contextual) can “pass” as someone of the privileged identity. We most commonly hear the example of “white-passing” i.e. someone who is of not-white background who passes or looks white and is thus pegged or read or clocked as white. Thus a person who is of non-white background but is white-passing faces a unique conundrum in between these worlds of race-is-a-social-construction-and-on-a-spectrum and of material opressions faced by those who are not white and not white-passing.

My favorite reading of this unit is “Un/covering: Making Disability Identity Legible” by Heather Dawn Evans. I have my own experiences with passing and un/covering related to my ‘ambiguous race,’ religion, and ethnicity. It goes beyond these categories, spilling into disability (something I don’t identify as out of respect to those who I think experience harsher material conditions and oppression--a notion I am challenging increasingly with this class), gender, and sexuality. It is through my own experiences, and the experiences of my comrades (specifically trans and nonbinary) that allow me to understand the ideas behind this reading in an intimate, interconnected, and empathetic way. I’ve found myself, as a process of my continuous political awakening and radicalization, asserting myself as a person of color, but more specifically, as a (genderfuck*) womxn** from the middle east, a womxn who is culturally muslim, a womxn who is a first-generation amerikkkan. I have become aware of the ways I’ve internalized westernization and feminization, or in other words, ways I’ve suppressed my ‘natural’ state of being to be more like a woman (which takes on different meanings in both muslim and amerikkan culture, sometimes reinforcing each others’ toxic ideals), to be more civilized, docile, apolitical, amerikkkan. I use natural in quotes because its 9/10 a bullshit term that is rooted in medicalized heteronormative patriarchial western understandings of how humans should be. Perhaps the way I use it is problematic too, that’s something to unpack later. And in my crude politicization, I actively reassert my body as it is and my ideas as they are. And i think defying what the ‘triple three’ expect of me (society/institutions/shaping-ideologies at large, interpersonal relationships esp. family, and internalized expectations/oppressions) is inherently political. For example, vocalizing my experiences and frustrations with birth control and discourse of periods and period pain. For example, not shaving. I’ve shaved or otherwise removed every inch of hair on my body for over 4 years. We’re talking toe hair, finger hair, hand hair, arm hair, underarm hair, leg hair, belly hair, nipple hair, pubic hair, forehead hair, cheek hair, moustache hair, chin hair, ‘stray’ eyebrow hair, you-name-it hair. This is a direct result of the society we live in. It’s capitalism and sexism and white supremacy, working together. It’s telling me that there’s something wrong with me, my hair. It’s telling me that especially since I am not-white, since I am middle eastern, that my more-than-white-women-hair is especially ugly and gross, and thus especially necessary to remove from everyone’s sight. To not shave is political. To not wear a bra when I don’t need to for my own comfort/health is political. To be genderfuck or genderqueer or to accept any set of pronouns is political. Now that I’ve stopped shaving certain parts of my body, my race is less ambiguous. I’ve become more not-white. I am un/covering. I am actively asserting myself as not-feminine-conforming, as not-white, as hairy, as hairy womxn, as middle eastern, as turkish. The same goes with my headscarf, crocheted for me by my relatives in turkiye. I am not a practicing muslim--of my own choice, the only in the family to denounce islam--yet i identify with muslims, especially first-generation muslims,  much more so than I can or do identify with white folk. I am ambiguous-looking--I am not white but I am not muslim, or muslim enough, or middle eastern enough, or arab enough. So I assert myself, by wearing my headscarf, as a political act, as a symbol of resistance to white conformity, as a symbol of assertion of my identity. In such ways, I related to the article a lot. It must be said that asserting race is different from asserting disability. There are different things at stake, different consequences, different material conditions and oppressions faced, different directions of passing and un/covering and assertion, different reasons why, different levels of comfort found in assertion. I understand and take these in fully. I don’t mean to draw similarities in a way that is naive or shallow. Our similarities should bring us together and be foundations for acts of solidarity against the same matrix of domination, against the same matrix of oppressions that confine us and categorize us and center the world around people that are not us. The same is to be said of my trans and non-binary comrades who use they/them pronouns as an act of political resistance against gender categorization, against social constructions. This isn’t to take away from those who face material oppressions and discrimination for non-binary gender expressions. By asserting non-conformation to the privileged identities in society, we are taking pride in who we are, but more importantly, making it important that we access the resources we need and highlight the fundamental shortcomings in current institutions to oppressed people. 

*genderfuck--i.e. i recognize gender as a social construction, don’t believe in gender (altho recognize and experience daily sexism, patriarchy, misogyny), take on she- or they- set pronouns **womxn--I use womxn to mean the group of people who identify as women either through biological sex or gender i.e. folks with wombs and thus are necessarily part of the reproductive justice conversation and folks who identify as women

[persephones-progress]

BEING TRANS ON TINDER

(and pretty much every other dating/hookup app)

Here is the first tip regarding Tinder and other dating apps from me…to any other trans/enby/nonbinary/genderfull individual…DONT DOWNLOAD IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Pretty heavy tip right? It could suggest I’m saying, “dont date” or “dont fuck”. However I want to say you can choose to not participate in the norm and be content perhaps even more content in being celibate or doing the old fashioned thing and waiting till you meet someone at school, on the tram, or at work(that’ll make for a better story anyhow). I want to cite some psychology sources that speak on how dating apps lead to higher rates of depression and anxiety but you can just google those if you dont believe it off the bat.

This isnt going to be an argument telling you to never use apps or not have sex. Sex and dating is not, and will never be as simple as choosing your favorite ice cream. I want to share some stuff however, because out of the resentment, frustration and general pain I figure I could maybe help others avoid it or at least feel less alone.

Disclaimer: this is MY experience, it isn’t applicable to everyone, take what resonates leave the rest cuz its mine ultimatley.

(POV:femme pansexual cancerian ass bitch)

1. No type of man will ever validate or could ever validate your femininity in a sustainable way, this includes but is not limited to

-the MMA fighter who is somewhat successful at it, from 4 wins to 45 wins

-the tatted up bad boy who rides a motocycle, or is famous on tiktok, or owns a brewery

-the suit and tie buisness guy, accountant, engineer, IT guy, creative director etc

-the doctor in his mid forties who has a kid or two from his ex wife

-the guy who reminds you of the guys who would stare at you in high school while they also made fun of you

-the spiritual guy who puts catch phrases like “emotional maturity” and “genuine” in his bio

-the long haired rocker who looks at you like you’re the only feminine energy on earth

The side note to this is Ive matched, gone on dates with, and slept with all of the above, all of them ghosted, or expressed fear of dating, sure I can acknowledge that the women they see all experience a similar gambit of bullshit but ladies and theydies, its not ours to run. The inner bitch in 6 inch heels in me wants to say get the d*&^ and use them and ghost them but the hopeless romantic that has survived three different gender identities just overrules.

2. Men are around 80% more likely to become addicted to dating

-soooooo with the prime stock of apps available this is sorta self explanatory, they think they’re playing the field, finding new things, that an endless range of options will be available to them until their dying day, and in a sense those are facts. Of course the same applies to us femmes but these guys out here acting like they’re the only ones who swiped right on us, I mean what else gives them the audacity to say crap like “let me break your back out” as a greeting.

My point here is men are not going anywhere. Your time and energy IS.

3. Now this one will probably illicit a few eye rolls and to that I say roll on, but to anyone out there remotely spiritual, Wiccan, satanist, Christian etc I will say anytime you have sex YOU ARE EXCHANGING ENERGY WITH THE PERSON YOU’RE DOING IT WITH. So anytime you’re feeling exhausted and heavy, anxious or just straight up crappy after sex that is your body telling you that person ISN’T RIGHT FOR YOU.

Sex with the right person person is supposed to feel like a good workout, which ultimatly energizes you a day or so after the aches fade away. You’re actually not supposed to feel like a train hit you.

Ill explain further in saying that more then likely if you’re under the trans umbrella, SELF DISCOVERY has been a KEY in your journey. Its human nature to assume other people are similar to ourselves. We all talk about how cis-het people will never get it and most of them never ever will, but lets also discuss how and why a bit more. You’re version of SELF DISCOVERY is oceans deep different then that of a cis-het person, esp a cis-het male.

You sharing yourself with someone IS special, you sharing your time, your energy, your sexuality is and always will be SACRED and you can define sacred by any denomination of your choosing.

In conclusion I just want to say you deserve to be loved and respected, you deserve a slow kind of love, a love you maybe didn’t expect or never saw coming. A love that opens the door for you, a love that dances with you, a love that can be vulnerable with you. It might be a man, it might be a women, it might be someone who doesn’t ascribe to either. Ultimately along the way, until you meet that someone there is someone who desperately wants to love and respect right now, as you read this, and that person is YOU.

[apokine]

Anna told me to do the whole thing so here we are I guess

How did you choose your name? IDK I just wanted to still have a name that wasn’t like ~weird~ but still unique 

What gives you the most dysphoria? (Acknowledging that not all trans people experience dysphoria) even tho I got my tiddies removed i still feel kinda weird abt my chest if i’m not wearing a top lol…also a weird one but lipstick

Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria? social maybe? it’s just sort of there all the time so

What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric? what i always do when im feelin down - EAT LOTS OF FOOD

What was the first time you suspected you were transgender? uhhh i think the first time i suspected it as a like TANGIBLE THOUGHT was this one time when i was out w/ friends and had to go to the bathroom and i absolutely had an epiphany in the bathroom that i wasn’t a girl hahahahaha

When did you realize you were transgender? idk how this is different from the last one and i dont rly remember when it was that i like officially stopped thinking of myself as a girl

What is your favorite part of being transgender? other trans ppl probably. stay awesome, trans peeps

How would you explain your gender identity to others? mostly genderless, but i fluctuate around

How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed? im out w/ family/friends, who all found out in diff ways i guess? some ppl i just told, i also wrote stuff on tumblr & fb about it

What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been? no experience with either lol 

What are your experiences with binding or tucking? binding sucked haha i defo wore my binder way more than i should have and got that Big Back Pain so i eventually mostly stopped and then got my bops chopped off

Do you pass? nahhh (is it even possible to pass as nonbinary??? question for another day)

What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition? got top surgery, idk abt hormones cuz i dont see myself as transmasc and am not interested in looking Very Masculine but i would like to look Less Feminine

How long have you been out? uhhhhhhh year a half maybe???????

What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set? none, tho i wouldnt say i’m particularly ‘settled’ haha

Have you ever experienced transphobia? sure have

What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public? usually the women’s restroom, sometimes mens if it is more convenient

How does your family feel about your trans identity? mixed reviews lol, some of my family is super supportive, some of them are like “why are you doing this” etc

Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth? i mean i guess i’m stealth at work bc i worry abt my job

What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans? i wish that younger me just knew there were options i suppose

Why do you use the pronouns you use? I use they/them bc she/he felt too gendered for me and neopronouns just sound too strange to me personally. I respect and admire anybody that uses neopronouns bc those ppl are paving the way for future generations to have more options that are normalized tho. I just can’t do it myself cuz I have a big fear of standing out which is totally at odds with like everything I wanna be lol

Do your neurodivergencies affect your gender? i dont think so but who fuckin knows

What’s your biggest trans-related fear? NOBODY’S EVER GONNA LOVE ME

What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition? i feel like this has already been covered by previous questions

What do you wish cis people understood? that my gender isnt anybody’s business!! who cares!! 

What impact has being trans affected your life? idk honestly. dont know where to even begin trying to measure that

What do you do to validate yourself? well sometimes i like to argue with strangers on the internet 

How do you feel about trans representation in media? i love the increasing representation in the media and it makes me very happy to see being trans normalized and validated, but obviously there still just isnt enough good representation

Who is your favorite trans celebrity? angel haze maybe

Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most? hmmm well i think that trans people i know irl are the ones who have given me the most courage. when i see other people come out or change their name or use they/them pronouns or WHATEVER i’m like “wow if they can do it i can too”.

How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online? i wouldnt say im really involved w the community in any way aside from just being present here on tungle dot com

How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years? pretty much the same

What trans issue are you most passionate about? affordable & accessible healthcare!!! 

What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them? hey buddy i did it (am doing it?) and so can you

How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality? i feel like skinny white androgynous ppl are the ‘default’ nonbinary ppl which sucks. i esp feel the weight thing bc i feel like it really prevents me from being seen the way i want to be seen. on the class front, i feel fortunate that can afford surgery and whatever else i need

What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression? i feel like my gender expression is super feminine to other people. but to me i feel like my expression is pretty much aligned w/ my identity  

Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither? neither

What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it? sexual - idk i think i need somebody to figure it out and tell me. don’t really feel like labeling it right now, but sex is just not big for me. romantic - panromantic cuz i just like everybody. somehow much easier to figure out than my sexual orientation

Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference? no preference tho if theyre cis they better not be a douchebag about it

How did/do you manage waiting to transition? honestly i’m a huge procrastinator LOLLL. as long as i keep telling myself ‘haha yeah it’ll happen eventually’ i’m just like ‘cool so i dont have to do it NOW…’ as long as i have the knowledge that it WILL happen im like..i can wait. If I think abt the possibility that it might not happen I freak the fuck out…for a bit I thought it might not be possible for me to get top surgery (due to medical issues) and I was in panic mode.

What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things? idk i guess i learned a lot on tumbles

Do you interact with other trans people IRL? not super often, i mostly know trans ppl that are just like acquaintances or casual friends. our interaction is limited to liking each others instagram or facebook posts lol

Are you involved in any trans-related activism? nah tho i think it’d be cool

Free space! Answer any question you want, or make up your own question to answer. i refuse to make up my own question 

[i-mean-ok-tho]

ok

i know literally nobody follows me but i love talking abt myself bc im a narcissist so heres a ton of random facts about me:

-my name is tori but call me whatever u feel like ig idfc

-im 15 my bday is november 16

-im wearing an mcr sweatshirt rn

-sweatpants ARE a look and nobody can tell me otherwise

-i lowkey don't like any of my friends except for like 2 i really only talk to my minecraft friends lmao

-i promise i'm usually not this rude i'm on my period rn so i'm hella moody

-uh i have plenty of obsessions just school through my blog and you'll probably pick up on my interests

-i'm currently crushing on like 4 ppl and one of them is much older than me which is kinda awkward but i have 0 chance with him so its ok

-my favorite band is 5 seconds of summer

-one time i bought a nirvana beanie at hot topic & i decided to wear it. afterwards i went to get a pretzel and the cashier dude started talking abt a kurt cobain documentary and i was so lost but pretended i was listening like boi i just wanted my mf pretzel

-danganronpa, undertale, and minecraft r my top 3 fav video games

-my top songs areeee:

pictures of girls by wallows

ophelia by the lumineers

hypnotic by zella day

fuck up by gabriel black

i literally have a spotify playlist with just those songs so i can listen to them on repeat

-when i transfer schools i'm gonna take german bc i'm very intrigued with german culture and i'd love to visit and possibly move to germany one day

-i'd also like to learn spanish, french, german (duh), and dutch idk rly abt spanish and french, those r at the bottom of my list tbh i like french bc its a beautiful language, my favorite word is in french and Spanish is a pretty easy language to learn for English speakers so maybe i guess

-i just added unpredictable by 5sos to that spotify playlist bc I just realized i dont have any 5sos songs on it and that's Not Okay

-i'm bi but more attracted towards guys/nonbinary people/masculinity in general tbh

-oh hypnotic is playing rn

-i'm a cat person dogs are ok but like i dont like them esp small dogs

-my favorite book series is percy jackson

-my phone is breaking rn

-also iphones are better than samsungs not sorry

-my phone's at 4%

-my username is cringey but guess what i dont cAre

-i made a huge mistake and that was getting a pixie cut. im currently growing it out and its taught me a valuable lesson. im not patient nor will i ever be (and to never cut my hair again)

-i lost my airpod case and my airpods are dying

-nvm i found it

-it was under my blanket

-i'm a small brained idiot

-i think my dnd alignment thing was chaotic neutral but i forgot so that's fun

-im a whole ass 🤡

-i made a video of myself and one of my friends and posted it on my ig which is toriiiii.42069 i think something like that

-i plan on running away to florida when i get a car and moving in w my bsf/sister which is definitely a bad idea bc i have to drive ACROSS the country and I'm not good at preparing for things so we can only imagine how that'll turn out but it's ok bc i need to gtfo of my town and away from my parents

-my brother flipped his car over twice in the same month

-i own a hydroflask but not i'm not a vsco girl i could give less of a fuck abt plastic straws killing turtles it's bc its a thermos and easy to carry ty and good day

-i have fairylights all over my room so thats fun

-i want to go to victoria canada again bc its so nice there I would highkey move there its wonderful

-uuuhh i love danny devito hes a blessing

-speaking of him my favorite movie is the lorax

-i think i have a cut in my tongue so thats cool

-i can't ride a bike but my friend is teaching me this weekend so thats cool too

-i like art but i cant do it well

-speaking of art i really want to go to an art school when i graduate

-i'm addicted to tiktok its a problem

-i'm gonna end this here it's too long already

[asiangreyjoys]

fan apprentices idk where else 2 put these

aziza (nadia route)

female (she/her/hers), taurus, ESFP, favorite food is orange cuttlefish, favorite drink is rye whiskey, favorite flower is spider lily, tarot card is the reversed hierophant (for rebellion, subversiveness, and new approaches)

* has a more athletic build than one would expect a magician to have (like master, like apprentice)

* dresses comfortably but fashionably, in loud primary colors accented w/ black

* has two mothers and a cool vodka aunt, all of whom write to her often (she's not actually blood-related to any of them)

* is a Useless Lesbian and wants to smooch portia, too? (this has also made her feel at least a little bit conflicted abt the situation knowing now that the Allegéd Murderer Guy is related to her)

* along w/ fortune-telling, she also has a proclivity towards communing w/ spirits. it isn’t the most reliable ability, however

* might experiment w/ darker magic, occasionally. Shhh

* loves food, and has grown a higher fondness for sweets since That One Scene w/ nadia

* likes studying languages as well, and is passably fluent in three

* very honest; not brutally so, but she does like to state what’s on her mind, even if it sounds silly or rude. can still decently lie her way out of a situation if needed (and if it’ll impress a hot girl)

* makes her anger abundantly clear, and lashes out at the target whenever given the chance

* thrives in group settings, with her confident, fun-loving entertainer vibe. would definitely be some kind of internet personality in a modern au

* is, contrary to her demeanor, not a hotheaded or reckless person; and is actually a rather pragmatic thinker

* very considerate and understanding towards those she cares for, observing their weak points but not thinking any less of them for it

* wears more or less a full face of makeup

* can be very irreverent, which could either be construed as charming or insensitive

* her familiar is a very cheerful bat named nona

* materialistic and loves indulging in Luxurious Things, so she’s having a great time right now thanks for asking

delphi (asra route)

nonbinary (switches between he/him/his and she/her/hers), pisces, ENFJ, favorite food is tuna sashimi, favorite drink is plum nectar, favorite flower is anemone, tarot card is the moon (for unconscious, illusions and intuition)

* goes by "phi" a lot of the time

* has a smooth, melodic voice that makes her sound very persuasive

* has a regal bearing and a talent for diplomacy

* hails from a wealthy and prominent family, but because of their complicated relationship she sort of avoids bringing them up w/ the exception of a couple of his siblings

* appreciates nadia’s generosity and kindness during his time at the palace and sincerely wants to help her. they have a good rapport going on and also have an "annoying siblings" camaraderie, except in phi's case she's a middle child

* has a wardrobe full of light, gauzy clothes, mostly in off-whites but also some pale pinks and purples, covers her hair w/ scarves and shawls a lot; she prefers an elegant aesthetic so whenever asra suggests a rainbow leopard print vest or some shit it makes her Weep

* is very good at accomplishing things thru a bunch of trial and error, then making it look effortless

* exacts Vicious Retribution if he is slighted or disrespected. never immediately, but it will happen (so watch your fuckin back valerius)

* is protective of and unshakably loyal to those close to her, and detests needless cruelty, but is also of a “the world can burn if it will save a loved one” mentality, and she and asra can get Very caught up in each other sometimes

* despite her tactful nature, she likes mouthing off to ppl whenever she can get away with it

* loves music! playing it at least, not so much dancing

* besides tarot readings, he specializes in charms and prophecies (esp the latter), also likes to dabble in plant magic though he’s not so great at that; a very curious person, but has an affinity for some subjects more than others

* likes to tease and flirt w/ people but doesn’t really mean anything by it 98% of the time

* prefers a more hot and humid climate and loves being by the water, so vesuvia suits her just fine

* nonetheless loves to travel and really wishes asra could take her on one of his Sudden Journeys

* absolutely hates feeling restricted/trapped

* her familiar is a gentle, curious fawn named aurum

* has a small tattoo of a rune on his left ankle, and one on the back of his neck

* sort of a picky eater, never really eats cooked food? mostly lives on raw fish and fruits. and baked goods (...bread. mostly bread)

*can be self-sacrificial to a fault (classic pisces behavior!)

* very adaptable, and is happiest when experiencing a new environment

clove (julian route)

agender (they/them/theirs), virgo, INTP, favorite food is caldereta (it’s goat stew. get it?), favorite drink is malt beer, favorite flower is clivia, tarot card is the hermit (for contemplation, search for truth, and isolation)

* has a scar on their chin and they have a different story about it every time someone asks

* wears modest clothing and a lot of warm reds and bright oranges. owns a lot of hats

* has a quiet, melancholy disposition but an absurdist sense of humor that can be a surprise to some

* specializes in illusion magic

* shares a sort of flair for dramatics w/ julian. naturally has one of those “i’m a theatre kid and was taught to P R O J E C T” voices, but uses it sparingly thank god

* their first reaction to feeling attraction is fierce denial, subsequently followed by “what the fuck!! you’re better than this!!!” followed by quiet, feverish devotion

* magical ability runs in their family, the shop is like a hand-me-down. their mother dotes on them but they're estranged from their father

* is extremely selective about who they choose to care about or rely on, but does trust asra in part due to the level of familiarity between them

* can be somewhat sadistic which is really. kind of a benefit, in this route

* would be a slytherin

* far more of a night person than a day person, as much as their wardrobe might tell you otherwise

* acts arrogant and callous towards others sometimes, which alienates a lot of people. mostly does this on purpose but it's partially just their nature

* their familiar is a small balicassiao bird named viorel, who's v fussy and skittish

* has amazing aim, which comes in handy when, say, they need to throw shit at somebody who’s breaking into their domicile

[wired-migraine]

oc ramble

this not that much oc detail as it does personal detail but i mean fuck it same thing

___humanz

my oc wil looks a lot like a youtuber i watch and i only just realized that no matter how many changes i implement they’re always going to be that “you copied this character” character. fuck it. they dont have that lil M hair split (you know the one) and also made less fucking white like geez what the fuck was up. still working on face because of first sentence but cant bring myself to do anything drastic. the “main” self insert

pox on the other hand has to deal with “first created to be a self insert to someone elses comic and thats why there so out of place compared to the rest and you’re just making excuses to keep them in your own story” character. made them the drunk to think i could forget and feel good if i THOUGHT ABOUT IT REAL HARd like i’d then be drunk im pretty sure every pre teen has done this. keep in mind im actually afraid of what drugs might do to me personally cause i have 0 self control and tend to think way too negatively ie think id actually gone done did it before the brain could tell me to fucking not. pink boy.

bailey is one of those excuses to explain why pox is there. kinda dealing with her own life in my sort of idealized view. knew a lot of shit but couldnt find words to make her smart so she just kinda looks the part i guess. i love her face tho. from her you notice i start to color code these characters like some Stuart little movie. kaffee kathy

sarah never really got fleshed out. bailey took over. to be fair sarah was kinda boring cause i was still in the mindset that i couldnt make a main character gay but because i am the main character and also became gay it just worked itself around out of that rabbit hole. she would be a antagonist really and be my selective self and try to convince myself my friends would stay even if i was a bit distant but lmao didnt work!! also didn’t prove myself i was straight either. two stones. pigeion gal

forget the last dudes name. think i based em around what i learned about amputees from the ww1 unit. boring. they were originally going to be the love interest for pox but looked bad in my style at the time and so i never drew them again. dont think i gave them any interest other than “I AM EDGE” vibe. also associated with a wolf?? bad boy

__weird ones

chugs was based on a dream that i had where wil (me) was just sorta on a train that had spheres of houses and i had to figure out ghost stories. it was really vivid and i wanted to make those characters so i did. holds a lot of memories and really what i focused on because going through a real life is super boring. took a lot of my high school kms idealization off me for thinking it would be end of the world if i did it. kinda bad when i say it like that, but it also got me thinking i had more friends than what i did. originally was male, but now nonbinary that associates male cause it makes it easier for others to understand her. judge came later as i finally got insp from fucking bayoding balls of all things to associate her to tranquility. shes kinda between all things, living/dead, positive/negative and never really decides for themselves cause its not decided by the balance of fate. a great hugger and powerful enemy

kind has always been a fuckin slender clone cause in high school the thought of a evil watching over me was scary and the thought of captial g God watching was never really my thing esp after what i expected vs what i got but i guess that fits them best cause they are that shitty in between cream of corn. in turn they sorta started my mindset bout the revenant thing. after i got a hang of the presenting gender thing i put a lot of thought into what “souls” would look like. how you feel over how you look cause i didnt want strictly humanoid characters but just enough to associate back to the living. if you notice i always draw him as a sharp swiss cheese person in a fluffy puffy shirt and i think that defines them well. candle supplier

milli is ironically one of my most original characters despite being 99% tube and hair lines but still based on the horrible experiences i have every valentines with three dif guys i couldnt decide feelings with so for that alone it doesnt get a free pass. also based on fear of what happens in those relationships whether physical or mental and god i just put every possible bad thought onto it. fuck it. also based off milipedes which creep me the fuck out and want me to remove my feet. classic white face in darkness jump scare.

memo is literally just old person who gives you the world changing quest. basically useless but also deals with a lot of my thoughts of how to deal with death and being forgotten but not really?

pawn created only because i made a cute design thinking of ren fairs in town. also got into making characters look goopy so thats what they became. and dreams where i would get lost and die at carnivals because i couldn't find my parents. little too literal. also had a “mom” that was literally a giant pawn. like in chess. original. would send them out to fight.

peobe was just created to be the counter part. really no other story than pawns gotta fight fuckin something. tried for a kajui twist story but never bothered to get into who could see what in the living world.

shame is epitome of lazy and focused design. so many fucking hours deciding where the mirror pieces will be placed over a loose shadow body. had a cat counterpart called empathy, also boring. now im sorta mulling over whether they should have a counterpart or not cause their creation was created on accident.

blight created by memo to try to figure out why any fuckin one of them is here. sorta side chaotic neutral character that might go over to evil. only speaks in rhymes but not metaphores cause thats boring and way too much writing for me to pay attention to. inspired by my intense desire to eat the test tubes whenever i thought that i was never gonna make it in science as a career cause really, i was fucking sad. still think about eating glass tho but at least its not readily available so w/e. still think im an idiot most of the time and i think of this character. judge would not like them, pity most likely. literally test tube baby i mean look at them.

thats all i can think of for now in this particular universe k bye