#esp from actually autistic folks

[sauriansolutions]

God dammit God damnit

Tw... bad irl stuff, dead animal/dead pet tw's, severe depression/abuse/suicide tw's. Please I beg you to just scroll past this if you think you don't have the spoons to handle seeing it. Trust me I get it, if it wasn't my stuff I wouldn't want to know about it either.

Fuck I'm really not doing okay.

I just got back from my typical overnight shift, then went grocery shopping for the the 5 things I could afford, and finally came home to find

MY FROG DIED.

She was a little, underweight, green tree frog I got at one of the horrible chain pet stores because they had "boring, normal" tree frogs on sale, and this poor girl was underweight and had only one eye. (I called her Odinna.)

I had her for almost two years. I brought her with me, as one of my few possessions I wasn't forced to just abandon due to lack of space, when I moved cross-country after I couldn't afford to stay as a resident of the state I used to live in anymore.

I found her dead body while receiving a string of texts from my boss chewing me out for apparently stocking a product incorrectly. Some highlights:

"Don't ever (do task I previously claimed I entrusted to you) again!"

"All of (task) has to be redone because you fucked up!"

"If my boss would have seen this. Or his boss. Holy hell."

*also, photos of the hours of work I did last night being angrily undone, just to push the point home?*

I *put a product on the shelf wrong.* (I was never told the correct way.) Call the fucking firing squad, I guess.

It's not even these specific things, it's.

I don't have anybody I feel like I can safely talk about things like this with, otherwise I wouldn't be dumping this on the blog I tried to make for happy escapism.

I've been in so many long-term abusive relationships, I guess I don't know how to NOT be treated like shit. I've been trying though? I'm worried I might be too autistic and cptsd to even recognize what is a toxic relationship versus, I don't know, a normal snag between folks?

Pretty sure my boss and my roommate have been treating me like shit for awhile though. And I'm so dumb, I'm only just starting to recognize the patterns. Again. AGAIN. The same ones that--

Oh but, idk, maybe it's just me though? Maybe I am in fact so annoying, I deserve to have eyes rolled at me, to be cut off every time I try to talk, to be spoken to in this clipped, exasperated tone. Spoken *at*, more like.

But?? I don't think literally everything I say is stupid. I don't think literally everything I do deserves to be ignored if done well; and don't think I deserve to be excessively, humiliatingly berated if I make, (what seem to me at least? it's entirely possible I am the idiot?) really small, ultimately unimportant, and understandable mistakes??

Maybe I'm also insane to think this, but oh no I'm going to go THERE. Yeah so um... I feel like maybe I should be making a living wage? Hey, that would be cool. Maybe I should get at least like, ONE 15-20 minute food break on my "8 hour" overnight shifts? Maybe I should be getting healthcare (and maybe like what, 401k? Other kinds?) of benefits too, (what other kinds of benefits even exist? Dental? Vision?? Who the fuck has ever had their employer buy them glasses that sounds crazy!), esp considering I'm continuing to work my ass off while raw dogging it through venlafaxine withdrawals (lost my health insurance so fuck me I guess!!) and basically destroying my mental health, working anytime, all the time, full-time, with mandatory overtime--

That's only the tip of the goddamned iceberg, but enough, enough, I'm depressing myself too much to go on even just writing this.

Writing this is an exercise in acknowledging that it's all stuff that happened, not some nightmare. And had an effect on me. I had gotten so good at drugging and drinking myself to sleep, and ignoring, and ignoring,

I feel so trapped. I've been trying to like myself more, and there's a certain point that means you have to actually act on things like this, or else you... don't really like yourself that much, do you?

So, even though it is the most anxiety inducing thing ever, I have dipped my toes into "acting on it." To the extent that, recently, for the first time in my life, I've been willingly leaving jobs, friendships, and romantic relationships--if they feel like, if I told my therapist (who exists in my head, I can't afford one) about how they treat me, I can easily imagine them being like, "Wow okay so first of all, red flags all over the place!"

I've been doing this to my own detriment. I'm alone and stuck, unable to afford solo housing, or appropriate medication, or even food and other basic life necessities some of the time.

And here's the kicker.

I really, really don't want to die. In that sense, I'm not suicidal! But, I don't know how I'm supposed to keep existing like this without imploding or exploding in some way, though.

The worst part is just having no time, space, or resources to even start trying to heal. Nobody to even talk to safely... or, imo, ethically. I don't want to inflict this sadness and hopeless on some innocent bystander.

I'm sorry if you are the person reading this right now.

[jytan2018]

(Screenshots obtained with Sonny's permission, image descriptions at the bottom)

I did a response thread to the one shown in the screnshots, and was encouraged to repost it (with edits) on Tumblr as a meta post on Wednesday, so here it is!

Yes that portrayal was um, not very good BUT here's why its problematic-ness is...debatable.

She's a textbook example of what I call the Asshole Savant trope, which is an evolution of the Idiot Savant trope that used to be the default portrayal of autistics. Think Raymond from Rain Man vs BBC Sherlock.

(Yes, their answer to humanizing autistics was to portray more smart assholes. Not a very big step.)

"Okay, but why are you calling it a debatably problematic trope?"you ask.

Well, some autistics actually love stories where non-autistics are so dependent on an autistic's skills, the autistic gets away with being an asshole to them. It's their version of a revenge fantasy.

In fact, that's how the Asshole Savant trope got so popular in the first place. A world where we're so good at what we do, even our haters have to swallow their pride and beg for our help?

As problematic as the trope is, both autistics and non-autistics LOVE THAT SHIT.

That being said, it is possible to use this trope respectfully so long as we're careful about the way our savant protagonist's assholery manifests.

Snarky comebacks when someone's being condescending to them? Totally cool.

Constantly manipulating their friends into signing up for life-threatening adventures? NO, BAD. ABSOLUTELY NOT. BURN IT WITH FIRE.

Like Sonny said, autistics are already unfairly accused of being manipulative all the time. Non-autistics love assuming that if an autistic has enough social awareness to pull off manipulation, they will do so without hesitation because we're unempathetic assholes, right?Except not all of us are bitter and spiteful enough to view manipulation as a mere tool for petty revenge/indulging our special interests. Just because non-autistics manipulate us all the time into doing what they want, doesn't mean we want to see an autistic character do the same thing to them.

That's why I personally find Wednesday's portrayal incredibly uncomfortable, but acknowledge (reluctantly) that it's okay if some people find solace in it. For some folks, she's just a revenge fantasy character. Her blatant manipulation and general evil-doing IS the point. The problem comes when they project characters like Wednesday onto actual autistic people and assume we're all just socially inept villains.

I'm not saying you're evil if you enjoy Wednesday. Just be careful of which things you're assuming is an autistic trait.

(Also, Wednesday's in the teen drama genre, where popular tropes include Fuck the Authorities, Miscommunication=Plot Device, and Outcast Protagonist Saves The Day. It's no surprise that the Asshole Savant trope was a perfect fit for Wednesday too.)

(ID: A Twitter thread by Sonny Hallett that reads, "I really enjoyed Wednesday, but am I the only #ActuallyAutistic person who feels really troubled by all these memes saying how relatably autistic she is? For me her behaviour tips the balance into seriously not okay territory, and would not be good autistic representation.

"Autistic folks, esp autistic women, get unfairly accused of being manipulative quite a bit, but Wednesday is ACTUALLY and calculatingly manipulative, with seemingly no care for others.

"Her friends don’t support her playing torturer, which I appreciated, but they also don’t seem as concerned as I’d hope folks would be at the idea of being friends with someone willing to torture others.

"She does get challenged by her friends but not nearly enough for how awfully she’s treated everyone. To be clear, I’m fine with this being the story arc/style for Wednesday, in that universe, but I’m troubled by how much she’s celebrated as an autism meme.

"Like, we seem to be celebrating a bunch of outdated autism stereotypes about being non-empathetic, uncaring, hyperfocused on only our interests to the point of manipulating and hurting others… uhh I’m not down with that?")

[vegaseatsass]

Sam is more autistic coded in the present than in the past (her friends confirm it but the flashbacks don't), how could it be?

Anon, this is exactly why I call her autistic-coded and not just straight up autistic! Because I've noticed the same thing.

I would love to hear what other neuroatypical and specifically autistic folks have to say (to be clear: I'm the former not the latter, and really reaallly don't wanna speak over anyone!), and I'm not sure exactly what the text is going for, but for me there's definitely a masking/abusive behavior management narrative in what Sam's grandma does to her, and in the differences between what Mon saw in her as a kid and what she's like as an adult - except instead of Sam learning how to socialize/behave neurotypically, what her grandma instilled in her is a repressed non-expressiveness so that her resultant, masked behavior is what pings many of us as autistic/neuroatypical.

So it's almost like the real life direction of abusive behavior management and/or masking has been kind of flipped on its head? Adult Sam has learned to completely reconfigure how she expresses emotions at excruciating personal cost, but in the direction of being less interpretable by neurotypical people around her, and more familiar and recognizable to us neuroatypicals watching, instead of the opposite.

None of this means younger Sam and thus Sam herself CAN'T be straight up autistic - we definitely haven't seen enough of young Sam to know, Mon's memories seem to contradict Sam's friends' narration so who knows what's true, and there is so much more to autism than facial expressions - but certainly in Mon's recollection, Sam went from smiling naturally (and expressively-for-a-neurotypical-person) as a kid, to her forced fake smiles that terrorize the office. And Mon seems to bring the natural smiles back out, so regardless of whose memory of past Sam is correct, we know how Sam expresses happiness when she's not being pressured to produce a specific facial expression for other people, and it's very readable by any neurotypical person.

Like for ME Sam's textual story is one of abuse and trauma and repression, while the autistic story is in coding/subtext, but that autistic story is very very there, down to an arc about completely reconfiguring everything about how you hold your face or move your body or say your words at excruciating, exhausting personal cost, to satisfy your guardian and her determination of what society wants from you. Sam's arc feels autistic/neuroatypical, Sam's struggle to interpret everyone else around her and the blunt yet indirect/"inscrutable" ways she communicates feel autistic/neuroatypical, and I don't think there's a hard line between what's text and what's subtext. So for me, esp as a non-Thai viewer, there's so sooo much to read into and connect to about her, but I don't really have a clearcut grasp of what the text is saying about her yet.

EDIT: OKAY RIGHT AFTER THROWING THIS POST UP INTO THE ETHER it occurred to me that Sam's entire arc can be read as how abuse to try to force neurotypicality (and heterosexuality) on someone actually makes them infinitely less capable of functioning or socializing, fullstop. Like it's not that Sam expressed herself neurotypically as a kid but that she expressed herself naturally, and then her grandma came along and Fucked Her The Fuck Up and now all the things she's trying to do to meet expectations, from sexuality to neurotypicality, have left her absolutely chaotic socially/emotionally/sexually. Behavior Management DOES NOT WORK. Terrorizing your kids into straightness DOES NOT WORK. Look at queen Sam and reconsider your stupid, stupid fucking tactics, guardians of the world.

This is now my preferred reading! Apologies to anyone who had to read through the wall of text above to get to it kdlfjskdfsd I still wanna know what other folks (esp specifically autistic folks) think thooooo!

[wisemins]

Equuleus and Ursa with Ghost? Or any f/o that's on your mind!

Hiya!! Omg good choices!! Equuleus - What does family mean to the both of you? What are your definitions? Omg good question. Tricky one for me. For Simon though? Brothers in arms is common among military folk, right? He's been more of a lone wolf up until this point where canon begins in the current run, but when he joined 141 he adopted really good relationships that can very much be interpreted as familial. Esp with the likes of Soap and Alejandro. I think Family to Simon is people he cares about more than anything, which would be his actual family consisting of his mom and brother, and 141. He'd do anything for them, and has. (He was also v much family/brother oriented in the original games too might i add) Family to me is a bit more open-ended. I consider people family if they love me unconditionally and would do anything for me. Sometimes this doesn't apply to my real family! Actually it doesn't a lot LMFAOIJSA so, I tend to have quite a bit of found family situations because of this. 141 (the ones i'm not dating that is--) has become like a family to me. Price and I are very close, I 100% made Laswell my mom, me and Soap are like siblings. They all care about me more than anything, and that to me is what made them family material. Ursa - How do you comfort each other in times of sadness or anguish? How do you heal each other? Another good one!! Now, I hc that Simon is autistic like me, so we both require certain amounts of comfort given any circumstances esp sad ones or ones of anguish. I tend to get overwhelmed with lots of things, and I require comfort for those times which are more than not me getting overwhelmingly sad, which he can provide most times. Though...since he's also autistic, sometimes he struggles when I'm having meltdowns. He himself can shut down and just not know what to do to make me feel better, all he can do sometimes is just be close and there to keep an eye on me, let me get it all out. Worst case scenario he might have to leave because he can't tell if that's the right move or not (it's NOT the right move. But it's been discussed.) After it's passed it's easier for him to help cheer me up and get me to laugh, then maybe get me a snack and I'm good. He's very comforting to me at a default too, and that alone is healing knowing that he loves and respects me so much. On the other hand, Simon suffers a lot from nightmares, insomnia, and intense stress that he just never expresses fully. I have to ask him all the time, pay attention to his body language and his sleep schedule. I comfort him a lot by making sure he takes care of himself or that I take care of him. Even if it's letting him fall asleep first, just allowing him to lay on my chest and pass out in complete safety so he can get some decent sleep. It's been a very good healing process for him, he's never had this with anyone before. The absolute comfort of knowing that someone loves him and isn't going to leave him in the night, or wont horribly traumatize him or make him do things he doesn't want to. I'm his safe place, somewhere he can show his face and just be. He can be sad around me, and I can help him through it. He appreciates that a lot, even if he doesn't verbally express it.

[baladric]

hey sorry if this totally out of line but I think you've talked on here about being both adhd & autistic? do you happen to have any resources or recommendations of people to follow or sth etc about that? I'm increasingly thinking that that's me and a lot of the stuff I'm finding is only about one or the other and i dont quite relate to it or else it's flat out ableist bullshit -- id really just like to be able to see more from people who are kinda similar ish

omggg, hello, friend!!!!!

i personally don't have any resources except my psychiatrist, who corroborated my hunches from the jump and periodically has things to say about the absolutely bonkers overlap b/t adhd, the autism spectrum, and (a much less discussed thing) ocd. it's all neurodivergence, which means the paths our brains tread sometimes share patterns (esp sensory issues b/t adhd & autism, and a desperate need for set routines b/t autism & ocd, etc) and comorbid a whole lot more than we really discuss. my suspicion is there just hadn't been enough serious research (unbiased double-blinds and such) into neurodivergence as whole, and so it's not quite understood how exactly they all overlap, and where the borders are between them (and even if there really are borders)

the few sort of. idk, things that helped me recognize myself were videos my best friend sent me on tiktok, and i famously loathe tiktok and am not on there but if you find the right ones they're actually super super helpful. largely bc it's real people relating their lived experiences, and also bc sometimes it's like people on the forefront of neuropsychology or presently in school for it, talking about stuff.

i will say, if it helps at all, that my path has been an extremely wonky one that i think has a whole lot to do with alexithymia (inability to name your emotions) where i never identified with the really simplistic language of autistic and adhd symptoms, bc like. for example, i had never thought hard enough about how loud sudden sounds effect me to realize that yes, it is the experience of physical pain that's described as part of neurodivergent sensory issues—a phraseology that i really did not identify with the first hundred times i read about it, because i just don't think abt myself in simple concepts like pain. and on and on like that.

i haven't sought formal diagnosis for a few reasons, but imo "diagnosis" is a weird bar to set. i know several deeply ND people who tested negative for adhd, and one negative for autism, and like man, i personally escaped any concern from teachers or family for my entire life, despite the lens of hindsight i have now that so so loudly says that was an autistic adhd child in egregious amounts of daily distress—because i speak well (one teacher called me "silver-tongued" in a disciplinary meeting in college, which was like Damn Okay, You Beethoven-Lookin Walnut) so it's all extremely weird and hazy!

bc i'm bad at compiling resources myself, my (deeply virgo) best friend has a few suggestions!

blog post of resources for autism, ADHD, and AuDHD (this is GOLD)

generally searching "AuDHD" on tiktok turns up some good first-hand/lived experience resources (lots of talk about stimming that we don't necessarily recognize as stimming, which helped me SO much bc oh shit i am actually constantly stimming huh????)

a few folks on twitter: Structured Success (whose handle is StructuredSucc which is just.... so incredible that i have to lie down now.......), AutisticCallum_, and AutisticCoach_

i'm sure there's ppl on tumblr talking about audhd too, so if any of my followers have those, pls comment and i'll add them in!!! (and follow them myself ;akdfjalwdj)

i hope this was helpful at all, and if you have any questions or anything i'm very open to talking about this!! honestly i would love for more of us to learn this shit abt ourselves earlier in life than i did, bc my lack of understanding of how my brain works instilled so, so much shame in me. this was ofc because of the rhetoric teachers & family members threw at me while i was growing up (didn't do homework despite being "gifted"? Laziness. never cleaned room? Slob/Lazy. very subtle tantrums from overstim that i repressed so hard they looked like sullenness from the outside? Ungrateful or Rude. couldn't ever make friends? Shy, Awkward, Boring, Weird, Cold, Unfriendly, Unaccomodating.) and, you know. the shit ppl say in your formative years has a tendency to stick lmfaoooo so i'm still rooting that poison out, you know? so please, please ask me—and i'll say, much like transness, if you're wondering about this? probably the answer is yes, and that's honestly a wonderful fucking thing, 100% fully believe that. understanding myself in this way has saved my life, bc i know myself now and can now hold grace for myself and advocate for my needs.

this is SO long i'm sorry anyway hey anon if you got through this monster of a post, i LOVE you, you're doing so so good and i am handing you and orange and one of the very happy zinnias from my front yard <3 <3 <3

[kofetalesnbpdchaos-leoreaper]

Disabilities, Labels & Neurodivergence + Kids:

What IS it with people saying to not use a term on a child? A bloody toddler??

I remember seeing an autistic toddler & comments were FILLED with folks saying to not label the baby Autistic!!

Why?? You’re implying that autism is fucking bad you bitch??

Why can’t you handle someone having labels??

It’s because labels make up our identities. But they do come with stigmas & bullshits too!

Labels are us, it can define who we are but so can WE define it too!!

I mean we do so anyways?? Like not everybody under a label is the same?? 🫠👻

Then quite recently, folks were pissy over someone wondering if I toddler is neurodivergent… 💀👻🪦🪦

WHY is it that you are SOO put off if a child IS neurodivergent?! Bitch you know folks can be born ND?! -3-

People are sooo disgusting!! You can tell that they react a certain way, when it comes to kids!!

It’s like the sameee ways when it comes to Queerness 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

You are born Queer but you don’t know for sure what the fuck U are, or you really DO—

People are born Disabled/Neurodivergent . Why you so upset when people use such labels?!

It’s like people are shocked?? You sound so disturbingly horrible to ME, at least.

There are multiple things, we can use to describe ourselves or others. There are good & there are bad!! ^^

People would rather attack folks who use the labels disabled, neurodivergent or even bloody fucking queer — instead of folks who bully others for being sooo god damn different!!

How bout tackling stigmas too?! Or realising certain shits don’t choose what age you are to come after you!

You don’t even choose these things either lmaoo 😭🖕🏼

No matter what, people need to stop looking at kids being labelled disabled or ND as a bad thing! Or even bloody Queer my dudes!! 💀🤦🏻‍♀️

Finding out things at a young age is normal. Hell, you’ll understand more on how to deal with shit!!

Being fucked up over these things but still calling them names lmfao …

There are actual labels & words & terminologies that ARE bad. But disabled / ND aren’t one of them.

ESP any of the “disorders” when they’re actually medically checked out!

Saying medically, cause I believe that you should seek professionals what may be up , rather than chalking up to multiple things.

Like the amount of folks would think children are manipulative… really do need attention because they’re fucking KIDS.

You do seek attention because you need that shit when you growing up! 💀🤦🏻‍♀️

Trust me, I grieve daily on the shit I can never FULLY receive from my parents… that’s jus so sad lol.. :’)

Kids are people. And they can have things early age or later on in life! 🤷🏻‍♀️ certain shit is for life.

Anyways, idk if I made sense 😩 I’m so super pissed off that ppl think that you cannot have certain things because of ur poopoo dipshitted AGE!! 🙄 Grow up! Some things happen to you & those things don’t give a rat’s ass about your age!! 🤷🏻‍♀️🫠

— Lena Eclipse Oriña Reaper; L.E.O REAPER … Fucking Pissed! 🖕🏼👻

[mutually-assured-resurrection]

content note/warning: ableist nonsense about autistic readings of Will Graham, mentions of bigotry against ASPD and NPD folks

I remember seeing a post or an opinion piece months ago that was like "Will Graham isn't autistic because as the series goes on he makes eye contact with people and is less awkward, he's actually just evil and was pretending to be autistic at the start because he's a master manipulator" and I was so??? Like, tell me you don't hang out with autistic people without telling me you don't hang out with autistic people, ffs. Anyway, I just remembered it so here are some rambling thoughts that I'm trying to phrase as best I can

Eye contact depends on the person, their energy/ability to mask that day, their level of stimulation, their closeness with the other person. Just because soneone makes eye contact doesn't mean they're not autistic

Will was acting so much with Jack in later seasons, that mask was on tight, and then with Hannibal... part of it was acting and part of it was very much Will just being familiar and comfortable around Hannibal, despite his purported loyalty to Jack (and better sense)

When he lived with Molly he had his dogs, nature, alone time to recharge, and a partner who if not fully understanding about the Hannibal thing was perceptive enough not to push issues. Autistic people can behave more in line with neurotypical expectations when they're given time to collect themselves and enjoy their passions (this also doesn't make someone Not Autistic and expressions of autistic joy are so important! It's not just a reaction to negative stimuli, but for people who've trained themselves or been trained to mask as default that's often the only way their traits are expressed)

Being autistic and being a bad person are not mutually exclusive, you can have your dark!Will be autistic because autistic people are not by default innocent or w/e. But saying he's faking being autistic to manipulate people is pretty gross, not to the character but to autistic people who are accused of faking and denied support and care, esp people who don't "look autistic" (anyone not a young white cis boy) or "act autistic" (act like Sheldon goddamn Cooper). It's a very icky statement to me.

Is it problematic for Will Graham to be autistic? Well, he canonically is autistic (see the first episode, and I think a few other examples where it's stated), and I don't think there's a way for Will Graham to be that isn't problematic. Man's in love with a cannibal serial killer.

Also, seems to me that whenever people want to make a clearly neurodivergent character who's bad at comforting others, has solitary hobbies and doesn't prefer the company of most other humans (and a whole host of other overlapping traits like flat affect, which I do think we see with Will) seem "nice" they call them autistic (because being autistic makes you sweet and innocent and childlike /s) and if they want them to seem "bad" they say they have ASPD, NPD, etc (because these are the Bad Person Disorders that make you evil /s) and it makes me want to throw sonething into a wall. Stop thinking with only your biases for 5 minutes, I beg

[queercoded-antagonist]

Any other autistics have the experience of masking by default (even if not masking well enough to seem NT) around people until you’ve known them for a long time/well and the mask starts to drop bc you trust them enough to know the Real You but then they lose interest/drop you? It’s really fucked with my self esteem having befriended so many people that seemed to like me and realizing (sometimes after months/years) that they don’t like me when I’m not actively performing and pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m scared of getting close to anyone now. And a lot of people are like “just stop masking and be your authentic self!” which sounds ideal, but for a lot of autistic folks, especially multiply marginalized, masking can be a shield from being treated with immediate hostility/judgement, having your autonomy rejected, etc. I don’t like pretending to be someone I’m not and I want people to get to know the real me. But I also don’t have the mental strength to deal with the social (and other) consequences of unmasking. I feel caught in a lose/lose situation.

I wonder about how the people on the other side of this feel too. When I stop masking around someone, maybe to them it seems like *I’ve* lost interest or *I’m* being rude because of the difference in my speech and mannerisms. Or maybe they don’t like people who act “fake”, idk.

A lot of folks think they don’t have a problem with autistic people. But the moment their friend needs something “obvious” explained, is seen struggling to do “basic tasks” independently, gets too overstimulated to speak, otherwise appears/acts unpalatable- they feel resentment. A lot of this applies to physical chronic illness as well. I’ve had friends lose interest in me when I actually set boundaries and stop pushing myself to do things that will put me in pain. The message I get from that is “I liked you until I realized you were an inconvenience”. So many people, including some NDs, only support autistic people when we are palatable enough. They like autistic people as long as the autism is something they can write off as a personality quirk and not something they have to acknowledge as a developmental disability. Even without the words “high and low functioning”, a lot of people (probably unconsciously) still view autistics in a dichotomy due to their level of support needs. Palatable vs unpalatable. Independent vs burdensome. Eccentric vs off putting. Worthwhile vs worthless. A lot of people, esp but not limited to NTs, seem to struggle with understanding that autism isn’t a dichotomy, that it’s more complex than “high and low functioning”. When they meet an autistic person who exists in the grey area, they mentally categorize us as one or the other. Lots of autistics have been told things like “if you’re capable enough to speak, why can’t you drive?” or “if you struggle so much that you can’t live alone, why expect to be treated like a real adult?” Many cannot conceive of autistics existing outside of this dichotomy. Autism isn’t a spectrum from capable to incapable, autism is a spectrum of many traits. An autistic can be capable of speaking eloquently while being far from able to understand unspoken social rules. An autistic can be a tech genius and struggle with disabling sensory issues. I am *incapable* of masking for more than a few hours at a time before shutting down, and even in the most ideal situations my masking skills aren’t good. So I’m caught in a situation where sometimes I can hide my disability at first but I quickly become unable to hide it. I feel like when people who don’t know me well learn I’m autistic, they’re fine with it at surface level because they think I’m “not that kind of autistic”. But then they find out I am in fact the unpalatable kind of autistic. And they get uncomfortable. Even a lot of well intended (including ND) folks seem to feel the need to neatly fit me into one category. I’m either infantilized, or held to expectations that I am too disabled to meet.

It’s all “I hate fake people�� and “just be yourself!!” until the person in question is autistic. If I stopped being “fake”, everyone would think I was rude- even though I try my best to be considerate and thoughtful of others, I do so autistically, so it’s seen as incorrect. It’s very important for allistics to understand that an autistic person who loves being around you is not going to express it in the same way that an allistic person would. We tend to express our emotions differently. It doesn’t mean we don’t like you. And it hurts more than I know how to express when someone you thought liked you only wants to be your friend if you’re performing, and stops seeing your value as soon as you start expressing yourself authentically.

[dreamled-archive]

i already brought this up on twitter but i hate that, as an autistic writer, i feel bad about the idea of writing more than one of my ocs as autistic bc i’m afraid ppl will just think i’m self-inserting/self-projecting /: media is so lacking in good, complex and well-written autistic characters who aren’t stereotypes (and i’m talking explicitly autistic too; there are countless autistic-coded characters but it’s not like autistic ppl get to enjoy that w/o ppl shitting all over our hcs) & the only people willing to write interesting autistic characters are autistic ppl!! and let’s not even get into the fact that, even amongst autistic-coded characters, the rep we do have is almost always male.autistic women whomst? even when ppl do write autistic muses, unless ur an allistic person writing ur autistic characters as tho they’re basically a little kid, ppl aren’t that interested! they’re probably even a lil uncomfy! and forget abt ships bc ppl love to desexualise us! neato! 

i’m sick of stories with autistic leads always being about their autism as though that is the extent of our whole existences! nvm that half the stories about autism are largely about how we’re viewed by other people and our interactions with those people as though we aren’t people in our own rights and are just reflections of other people’s reactions to us. we’re just those weird things that are almost like people and baffle everyone else by not being people quite right! why can’t we be heroes in stories that don’t revolve around our being autistic? i’m tired /:

[schizosupport]

I get a lot of people telling me that I don't "look" like I'm sza. I know that it's most likely that they have preconceived notions of how schizospec conditions present, but it still irks me that people don't take my illness seriously just because I'm able to put on a performance that hides my symptoms (with the help of many medications and coping strategies). Or they try to tell me I'm "faking for attention" or something, as if anyone would want to have that stigma. I try so hard to seem "normal" to people when I know that they would think I'm a freak if I didn't, because I know that a) being visibly psychotic makes it hard to get jobs and housing and stuff and b) if They knew that I'm onto Them, They would come after me. I know that I'm lucky to be able to appear somewhat mentally healthy to nts but it seems like a catch-22. Stigma sucks. Do you (or anyone else) "pass" as non-psychotic to neurotypicals? And what's your experience?

Hey Lorax! Sorry I took forever to get back to you..

People are generally assholes about this, yeah. It's the ooooold fucking dance.

Visibly disabled? Well, guess you can forget about autonomy and respect, at the least. Passing as abled? Well, clearly you don't need any support, and you're just making excuses.

Of course a lot of people, esp in the community of severely mentally ill folks, exist somewhere on a spectrum between these two extremes....

In my personal experience that is very much the case, often to my frustration -

At first glance, especially in a setting where i know the script, and the expectations, I can pass as neurotypical at first glance. But people will quickly pick up on "something", though usually they will assume I'm autistic (incorrect) or adhd (correct) in the first round, if they get to the point of putting labels on it.

More commonly though, I just get read as fucking weird and a bit annoying, so I think the autism/adhd angle is the more generous read.

On the second round people usually arrive at anxiety, ocd, depression, stuff like that. But that requires more exposure. It's extremely unlikely for someone to figure out I'm schizophrenic unless I tell them outright, and I like it that way. I like to keep 'em guessing ;)

When I do tell people, I only really do it if I think it will go well, and I stand to gain something from it. So it usually happens after I've had a while to feel out the situation. Therefore I rarely actually experience outright dismissal of my condition, because I'm extremely private, and very careful and calculated about what personal information I share with whom, how, IRL.

When it happens, it is usually my closest related blood family. And it does piss me off.

"you're not nearly ill/disabled enough to warrant this or that diagnosis" really shouldn't be able to go so comfortably hand in hand with "pull yourself together, how can things be that hard for you, why are you so inherently lazy?".... *Looks into the camera like I'm on the office*

Haha anyways, yeah, I'm sorry, it really is extremely annoying and I'm sorry it's happening to you so much!!

Followers, you are invited to comisserate :P

[addictedtostorytelling]

As awkward as Grissom and Sara are, both of them are major flirts. And seem to be quite successful in flustering others.

Do you have gifs of them flirting, not only with each other but other people as well ?

Also, what are your thoughts on their awkwardness vs flirting?

hi, anon!

i don't really have gifs of them flirting with other people—not my bag—but i've got tons of gifs of them flirting with each other. you can find a few examples here, here, here, here, and here, and there are plenty more where those came from if you just go through my gif tag.

as for their talent for flirting despite their social awkwardness, my thoughts are after the "keep reading," if you're interested.

__

so the thing about social awkwardness is that there are lots of different types of it.

certainly, there are people for whom social awkwardness manifests as being so uncomfortable with speaking to others or habitually tongue-tied that verbally flirting would be impossible for them.

but to my mind, that’s not really the kind of social awkwardness that either grissom or sara has.

in grissom's case, guy can just be a lot to take in, particularly for people who aren't used to him: he's got oddball interests, like cockroach racing and performing recreational necropsies; talks like an encyclopedia had a baby with a shakespeare sonnet; makes blunt observations; is recklessly impolitic; has a certain intensity to him, especially when on cases; and is possessed of some highly irregular quirks (such as, for example, his habit of walking out of the room mid-sentence when he has an epiphany and his proclivity for making macabre and borderline-inappropriate puns at crime scenes), all of which qualities tend to either bewilder folks at best or rub them the wrong way at worst.

however, that's all kind of surface-level stuff.

on a deeper level, much of grissom's social awkwardness also stems from the fact that he is usually so "in his own head" that he fails to anticipate or take into account that other people's experiences may be significantly different from his own.

some of this tendency is just the product of him being a unique guy with unique perspectives*, whose whole ~deal~ is just so different from everyone else's that he doesn't even know just how different it is (i.e., "wait. you mean other people actually think x? i had no idea").

* and if you read him as being autistic and demisexual like i do, then much of this issue can be framed in terms of his neurodivergent, acespec worldview just not matching up with that of the neurotypical, allosexual majority.

of course, some of his awkwardness is also due more to the fact that his is an obsessive mind that will become devoted to a single thought process to the exclusion of all other thought processes until the task at hand is complete.

it's a kind of social myopia, where he focuses so hard on one thing—typically, solving a case—that he ignores everything else around it—typically, the human element.

he'll think things are straightforwardly one way, totally oblivious to the fact that the other person or people involved in a given situation may see things entirely differently (see, for example, in episode 02x15 "burden on proof," him not even questioning if he is justified in putting rancid blood experiments in the communal breakroom fridge because in his mind, science™ takes precedence over everything else at the lab, whereas everyone else on the team finds this behavior from him outrageous because the rank smell of the experiments contaminates their food and makes them lose their appetites, which is a breach in workplace etiquette that they believe shows disrespect to them as his coworkers).

while grissom is not at all incapable of empathy, he sometimes fails to actively practice empathy if he's hyperfocused on something else, particularly as he is so skilled at compartmentalizing that sometimes he doesn't realize that for other people, there is often a lot more "bleed over" between various experiences, especially when it comes to emotions, than what he would experience for himself.

when the show plays this tendency lighter, we get a grissom who sometimes ends up comically baffled by how other people emotionally respond to things (see, for example, in episode 07x11 "leaving las vegas," how utterly flummoxed he is when nick hugs him and expresses the belief that he's quitting his job).

however, when the show plays this tendency heavier, we get a grissom who can be blind to how other people's thought processes and even more especially their feelings might run very counter to his own, with this blindness doing real harm (even though such is never his intention), as he misses emotional cues and behaves insensitively, not understanding why people get so worked up over or invested in particular things and not responding appropriately when they do.

this issue is then further compounded by the fact that he is typically not very outwardly emotional himself, so he finds it confusing and uncomfortable when other people are so, meaning that he frequently is unsure how to respond when he's really stepped in it with someone (see, for example, his inability to say anything when sara calls him out for his hypocritical behavior toward her in episode 03x03 "let the seller beware").

this is then why so many people accuse grissom of being emotionless, a robot, "not human," etc.—because he frequently fails to recognize people's emotional responses until those responses are already dialed up to "top volume” (at which point they become impossible for even him to ignore), and then once he does recognize them, he's completely out of his depth and struggles to know how to react in the moment; he just stands there, slack-jawed, unsure of what to say.

so that's grissom's awkwardness: he's a quirky guy who many people find alienating and hard to digest just on a surface-level, but then he also frequently fumbles emotional interactions.

meanwhile, on sara's side of things, she, like grissom, certainly has her peculiarities, which can make her a lot™ for people to process: a workaholic insomniac, she has no actual hobbies or interests outside of her job; never talks about her past; never lets anyone get too close to her; excepting for a few aberrant periods, has no discernible social life; is a shameless teacher's pet but also an outspoken antiauthoritarian, equally as likely to grub for favor from the boss as she is to mouth off to the boss's boss; gets more excited about science than she does about any of the fun there is to be had in vegas; and is high-strung as all get-out.

her surface-level social awkwardness is compounded by her bluntness and "in your face" attitude; she doesn't suffer fools, so if she thinks you are or at least something you've done is stupid or out-of-line, she's going to tell you how much so, and she's not going to sugarcoat the matter. she's also stubborn af and is not going to back down from anything when she thinks she's right. she'll sometimes (especially in her younger years) say terse, sardonic, harsh things.

she has less than zero chill.

like.

negative amounts of it.

—which brings us to the more underlying source of her awkwardness: how emotionally reactive she is.

baby girl feels everything so keenly and 1000% wears her heart on her sleeve, and she doesn't really tone herself down. sure, for positive emotions, her expressiveness can be endearing—because who doesn't love her megawatt smile?—but for more negative emotions, and especially the messy, hard-to-reckon-with, "jagged little pieces" kinds, it can be a lot to swallow.

if she's angry, she's in your face, ready to go to war over it. if she's sad, she's sobbing in front of you, with you unavoidably witnessing her heartbreak. she can be shameless. stubborn. coarse. socially suicidal.

and it can be very uncomfortable for other people to deal with.

sara makes things awkward by saying the kinds of things that most people would never, ever say, whether she's confronting grissom about how his emotional aloofness hurts her (see episode 01x16 "too tough to die": "i wish i was like you, grissom. i wish i didn't feel anything") or bitching to nick about grissom pulling them off of their individual cases to help with warrick's trial prep (see episode 04x07 "invisible evidence": "you know what pisses me off?... victims aren't equal. high profile cases get priority") or brazenly challenging ecklie's authority (see episode 05x13 "nesting dolls": "the only reason why this is your lab is because grissom doesn't kiss ass"). she makes things awkward by being so openly emotional and unapologetic. she makes things awkward by not adhering to conventions or tolerating bullshit.

she foregoes a lot of the niceties about what kinds of things one can or cannot say and what kinds of emotions one can or cannot express publicly.

so that's sara's awkwardness: she's an idiosyncratic girl who most people can't make heads or tails of given how closely she guards her past, but then she also (even more so) is just a livewire, someone whose intensity can just be hard to take except for in small doses.

but here's the thing:

while grissom and sara are both undeniably socially awkward in the ways described above, they are both also undeniably intelligent, articulate people, possessed of wit, masterful with their language, who are capable of thinking on their toes and speaking well—all of which qualities serve to make them adept flirts.

sure, grissom may sometimes fail to take other people's feelings into account, and, yeah, sara sometimes goes off in incredibly embarrassing ways, but the fact that they do so has little bearing on their abilities to playfully fluster others.

flirting is an art, in many ways situational.

to be a good flirt, one needs to be able to pick up on other people's cues, to ad-lib, to read and react to the situation at hand, to engage in wordplay and make innuendos, to communicate both verbally and using body language, to make jokes, to banter, to pleasantly surprise, to delight, and to charm.

while of course there are some purely basal, physiological elements to flirting (such as angling one's hips a certain way when talking to someone in order to indicate sexual availability, smiling at the right time to show friendly interest, having an instinct for when to reach out and touch the other person's arm in order to forge a connection, etc.), in many ways, it's also a function of intelligence—not necessarily "book smarts" but a kind of think-on-one's-feet cleverness that allows for a productive back-and-forth exchange between two people.

—and grissom and sara have that ability in scads.

for as much as they both do sometimes struggle with human interactions on certain levels, they're also both highly observant and capable of attending to the people they interact with*.

* like i said above, it's not that grissom can't empathize or that he never pays attention to others, but rather that sometimes he puts those mental processes on the backburner in favor of other types of thinking. but when he's on, he's on. he can do those things very well when he actively sets his mind to it.

they're both creative and capable of carrying on a repartee.

they’re both quick studies who can analyze a situation and come up with quips on the fly.

for these reasons, they are capable of flirting with just about anybody.

but to me, the really interesting thing is that their best flirting is always with each other.

grissom can impress just about anybody if he whips out the right literary reference or makes a particularly clever double entendre, and sara can play on suggestive statements and well-placed eyebrow raises all day and all night, no matter who her partner may be, but put grissom and sara together and have them flirt with each other, and everything jumps to the next level.

of course, a lot of this difference has to do with the fact that when it comes to how they deal with each other, their hearts are really in it.

grissom can trade ribald but ultimately harmless jokes with catherine and effortlessly charm the ladies at the “hogs n’ heifers” convention in episode 05x16 “big middle” or carry on flirtatious conversations with sofia curtis or heather kessler over various cases, but it’s all very superficial for him because he’s not actually interested in going home with any of them; meanwhile, with sara, he absolutely has every interest in sweeping her off her feet, so he pulls out all the stops. he is constantly blurting out the most ridiculously romantic things to her and going out of his way to make her blush and get her to smile, almost like he can’t help himself.

the same is true on sara’s side: she’s really good at the kind of generic “talk in a higher-pitched voice,” “use your body language to project availability” coquetry that will get guys like hank peddigrew hot and bothered. she’s also equally skilled at a kind of low-stakes, all-in-good-fun, vaguely naughty teasing with the nicks, warricks, gregs, and super daves of the world. but all of that is minor league stuff compared to how clever and, frankly, aggressive she is with grissom, whom she’ll call out and rile up and fluster like a pro.      

naturally, it helps matters on the flirting front that grissom and sara share a sense of humor—lots of wordplay and wryness—and also that they have a long history together and kind of private lexicon of gesture from which to draw when they engage with each other.

but at the end of the day, it really comes down to the whole “shooting your shot” thing.

whether before they’re officially in a relationship or after, they’re both in it to win it where each other are concerned, which is why they are often so shamelessly complimentary of each other and openly upbeat and outright risqué and humorously unsubtle and quick-on-their-feet and warmly affectionate and just downright cute.

they really, truly like each other, and the fact that they do shows.

anyhow.

to tie these two parts of our discussion together, the bottom line is that while grissom and sara do have some social deficits, particularly where it regards emotional interactions, they are ultimately both possessed of a lot of the social skills that are necessary to be good flirts, particularly in terms of their linguistic abilities and their talents for thinking fast. though they are both capable of flirting adroitly with just about anyone they want to if they set their minds to it, they are especially awesome at flirting with each other because they just strike that sweet spot in terms of being on the same wavelength and also having the motivation to really “perform at the top of their games.”

thanks for the question! please feel welcome to send another any time.

[datastate]

UHH hmm top 5 fav utdr characters go

BROO... WHY INCLUDE UT TOO AHGMSMS there is. so much here to go over 😭 and i haven't played ut in literal Years... hmm

i think i'm predictable but here: (no specific order; they are all good in their own ways)

- undyne (undertale specific; i just thought she was a really effective character in going from intimidating to me feeling more affectionate toward her. and with her role holding such importance, the way she revealed more about the monsters situation as a whole + what asgore means to the monsters... very cool

- alphys (undertale specific; ALPHYS TOO IS SO... i love her. i thought she was a fun character and didn't mind the gags tooo much? not as much as i've seen others at least. and seeing other folks (points. you, lucky) who explore her & mtt more in depth really has made me appreciate those two more. i do like how her crush w undyne, while still given a humorous approach, does feel . genuine? as far as i recall at least. their whole storyline really meant a lot to me when i was younger, esp w alphys being treated like a full character outside of just this. and then, especially after the amalgamations scene like it's fucked up of course but really gave a lot more to her character i think? and i. will never not look at a character with a lot of genuine regret weighing on them and not feel bad / want to explore that)

- susie (deltarune; SHE IS SUCH A GOOD CHARACTER well she's got a morbid sense of humor but i like that abt her too <3 she often gets brushed aside by some players i've watched as just being the overly mean/annoying sort of bully character but like. i really do like (even if it makes me feel awful on behalf of her) that her whole mindset - strike before they can reach you - is shown here as her first defense. and you get to see by the end of the chapter that she does genuinely care about other people, it's that she's just used to being on the offensive. her surprise when seeing people who genuinely care for her (lancer!!!) and then who will go as far as to protect her (kris in the final battle) and working from this to return that however she can... idk. i'm nonsensical rn but she is everything to me. getting to see her grow and open up a bit more and be who she actually is , is just so. <3 one of my all time favorites. i can't wait to seewhere her story goes)

- k_k / cakes (deltarune; . what can i say! i like autistic robots </3 for realthough this one is. entirely personal bias and how i've taken the brief moments we've seen scc for myself to further flesh out their characters. love wins (for me))

- jevil & seam (deltarune; there is so much i could say on these two but i will shorten it into saying i enjoy the implications of both their relation and their individual characters interacting with the narrative So so much... and individually on a more surface level i really like how they talk ? jevil's echo is fun to follow and the way seam generally holds themself is very. yeah.)

[rotzaprachim]

Oh man as an aspie who clung onto the idea of autistic Nicky as soon as I watched the film, I'm super interested in knowing what people think his special interests are- I personally hc that he acquires a new one every century or so and sometimes that dictates where he and Joe travel

ohhhh ok time for my quarantine comfort hobby which is projecting upon fictional side characters in action movies! i think some of the big things for me about special interests is that they can be literally everything, and can also last for years or fade quickly! so some things that come too me off the top of my head, and although i totally think they all have a massive array of skills they’ve picked up over the years, i totally think Nicky is the one who is constantly pulling upexpected hobbies + skills out of his back pocket like ah yes. here is a perfectly executed lariat technique from 1800′s Sonora and here’s how to fix the wiring in a radio and write in mid 20th century secretarial shorthand at some point he picked up an incredibly amount of information about rare tree frogs of nicaragua and suminagashi, neither of which even Joe knew about. 

but anyway. some key Interests vaguely in order of CHronology 

- sailing + ocean stuff (also thanks to @captainshakespear !!! for a lot of the ideas on this one) 

i am a big believer in sailor Nicky! not an expert on medieval Genova or anything, but with my preferred background of him as being from a more modest background (not everyone in history was a royal, y’all) i think it’s quite likely his family earned their trade this way (or by fishing?). (might actually write a fic as sometimes i think it’s uh easier to write out characters thought processes than describe them but anyway) i have a real soft spot for Nico the kiddo who spent hours silently watching the sea either from the shoreline or his father’s fishingboat and who even if he had to be called by his mother three times for dinner and had a hard time focusing on conversations, understood the language of sails and ropes and knots from an early age 

- related to that- tying seaman’s knots 

- not to phrase this strangely but. religion 

there’s actually a lot of complexity to talk about with autistic people and religion/religious observance that i haven’t seen talked about much but! many thoughts on the this i might also expand upon later. Nicky eventually became a priest, even! 

but i do think that in the clamor and chaos of a medieval port city the ritualism and structure of religion would have been deeply comforting. the extremely set structure or a catholic mass, which quickly becomes the only time of the week where he’ll already know almost all of the words, and the feeling of wrapping his fingers around the rosary beads and counting through the decades. his mother’s been doing her best to raise all her children in the Faith, but she sees how fervantly her youngest actually remembers his prayers and sticks to them at the same time ever day on his own and is a little surprised. 

also like, lives of the saints! which are often exceedingly odd and strange, but Nico was like eh they’re Saints right they’re good this is a Normal THing to be Interested in and then lists off all the ways a few of the interesting ones were martyred over dinner. 

(but also in all of this he was definitely. a seven year old constantly questioning if God was real or not or could ever be kind when there were so many bad things in the world.) (we love projection.) and also a seven year old deeply interested in death and what happened afterwards. all things die. 

more to discuss later when i’m not about to fall asleep but! I think these interests lasted into his immortal life and long past the battlefield, especially as he starts to learn more and more about everyone the society and expression of faith in his first life taught him to hate. there definitely needs to be.. subtlety here, and he never intrudes on any closed traditions/is always respectful, but over the centuries he studies many, many holy texts and traditions from around the world, by himself and with Yusuf and also in various kinds of institutions and houses of learning. a LOT of religious text and discussion is surprisingly technical stuff about the practicalities of daily life or finer points of theologic debates as much as it is, like, the Big Picture, and also the finer point and big picture questions can be deeply related. anyway. 

- medicine

for all that there are a lot of autistic characters who are scientists, i rarely see one who’s a doctor/medical researcher and has that connected to their empathy and desire to heal others? but i very very much think Nicky has been a medic/involved in medicine and medical research since shortly after his first death and his centuries in the medieval Islamicate world with Yusuf, and has watched the way medicine has developed over the centuries, and is really fascinated by things like biochemistry and kept really studious logs of it all.  

- music esp guitar + folk music

also pretty fun to think about with so much of the history of stringed instruments linking to cross cultural trade around the mediterranean + Islamicate worlds, love the idea that Nicky has always kind of liked folk songs and music but has learned over time a number of varieties of stringed instruments starting with the oud, with his favorite being the guitarra batente and Hawaiian steel guitar with the slack-key playing style. sometimes he sings but a lot of his appreciation for music and stringed instruments especially is about the emotions that can be expressed without any words at all! 

- miscellanous other things 

the parts of a sniper rifle + shooting techniques, various kinds of sniper rifle scopes, buying + haggling for the best quality kinds of art supplies for yusuf, cooking, he reallllly doesn’t understand digital anything or the internet but he does like the elegance of electrical wiring and circuits, actually reads all the manuals that come with appliances for the interest value and is the one who wires safehouses to be off the grid and is just like. very good at odd household jobs + fixing things (which Joe finds unspeakably hot), he accidentally ended up as a star batter on a minor league baseball team at some point in the 1920′s and has an incredibly knowledge of baseball scores and runnings since even tho it’s literally one of like two sports who’s rules he understands and can focus on for more than five minutes (the other sport is the irish national treasure hurling), aforementioned nicaraguan tree frogs, in the last couple decades has gotten really concerned about biodiversity loss and the importance of protecting genetic diversity of species and crops, the large scale data of public health crises + antibiotic resistance, which he gives copley a long talk on basically the first time he speaks to him at all and which has copley pulling out a red sharpie and scribbling how massively he’s misjudged Nicolo di Genova, over the last few hundred years he’s become super concerned about medical + bioethics and the various technologies involved in that, stained glass window symbolism, angry birds and cooking 

[bi-kisses]

Small-brained take (I gotta finish reading the theory first), but I think the online mess re: sex & sexuality stems from femtheory becoming widespread on the net w/o its roots being understood ("what's a radfem"?). Gender = gender roles, and misandry is good, actually™ -> demi-/-fluid can be a thing, as "gender is a racist social construct" (nvm that third genders are meant to be othering GNC/SGA individuals) -> pronouns =/= gender (now an individual experience) -> mspec is born. Naïve ignorance

Small-brained take part 2: in the end, sex & sexuality are not complex concepts. One's relationship w them might be/it might take a long while to come to terms w them (understanding one's trans, or bi, etc), esp. if there's underlying trauma (à la Caeneus) or simply wrong info ("women will always be oppressed"), or even sometimes simply neurodivergence (there's a "gender roles" component, again; there are trans!autistic!folks, but there are others that are just confused). Penny 4 ur thoughts?

----

Thats a pretty accurate crash course in the issue with modern day gender politics imo.

The fact the people twisted gender and gender roles to make gender seem more complicated and ethereal than it is remains one of the bigger problems with this stuff and I hope desperately that we untangle them soon.

[redandfranticfeelings]

okay ive been wanting to make a post like this for a while but i wanted to make it an essay and i dont know if i can really organize my thoughts in that way yet, so here’s a chronological bullet-pointed dump to explain my very important thesis:

be more chill is about internalized ableism, and jeremy, michael, and christine are all highly autistic coded. this is going to be very long and detailed but only because there’s a lot of details that work very well under this lens.

there’s probably even stuff i missed but this is already extremely long so it basically just functions as a way for me to collect a bunch of details that i can piece together later in a more coherent manner.

“more than survive” in the context of jeremy being autistic works so much. the theme of wanting to be just socially acceptable enough to not burn out or be harassed is so relatable, and it visually establishes very early how jeremy is isolated from his peers due to his own awkward behavior and hypersensitivity. it’s coupled with his very obvious anxiety disorder, but the social aspect just screams autistic coding to me. i take this song to basically be “not having a meltdown is basically my goal but i would love to be neurotypical enough so i can heighten my standards and actually enjoy my social life.” some choice segments:

“if i’m not feeling weird or super strange, my life would be in utter disarray, cuz freaking out is my okay”

jeremy’s house being a mess is partly due to his dad’s serious depression, yeah, but i believe the other aspect is that jeremy’s executive dysfunction makes it just as hard to clean up in his place

he gets super anxious at the prospect of his expected routine being shaken up and having to make the decision on his own of how to get to school

“so i follow my own rules and i use them as my tools to stay alive” honestly sounds like a euphemism for autism to me

jeremy not really realizing that he’s staring at chloe

“avoiding any eye contact at all” explains itself

michael’s introduction, oh my god, every time i watch this part i just adore it. i could talk a lot more about michael’s autism later but this whole segment sells it especially.

first off, michael keeping his hood up and headphones on in a deliberate attempt to avoid social interaction and stay in his own space is such an autistic mood. even before this scene he’s constantly moving in the background to his music a la stimming. in the later performances he spends a lot more time playing with his hoodie strings and even chews on them!!

the fact he doesn’t talk to or even really look at jeremy until his song is done playing also feels very autistic to me! and the way he dances so confidently and basically pretends even his best friend isn’t there for the time being because he’s engrossed in his own passions.

michael is a great friend but it’s clear that he doesn’t really understand that his coping mechanism doesn’t really work for jeremy, and that even though michael feels confident reclaiming his identity as a ‘loser,’ jeremy doesn’t really feel any better about it. i think a lot of autistic folks, or at least i do, have this tendency to assume what works for us works for everyone around us at first due to our struggles with empathy. michael tries his best but struggles to see outside his point of view. it’s mind-blindness in action and jeremy can’t communicate why it upsets him any better than michael can pick up on it not working for him.

near the end of the song, they have a brief moment where all the ensemble crowds in around jeremy and the lights start flashing, which i interpret as a visual representation of sensory overload.

we’ll talk more about her soon, but outside of jeremy’s fantasies about her, christine also avoids social interaction during this number, constantly hiding her face in a book and avoiding eye contact just as much as jeremy. people forget that she’s not comfortable with unexpected social interaction, and that really informs my headcanon for her which brings us to....

“i love play rehearsal” is an autistic anthem. it also works, possibly even better due to in-text evidence, as an adhd anthem, but combined with the above it makes so much sense for her to be comorbid autism/adhd. i did a breakdown of the song in this context before, but i’ll sum it up here

the song showcases what having a special interest/hyperfixation is like. christine is singing to jeremy, yes, but she really seems so caught up in her own passion without much regard for how jeremy is following it, and even cuts him off from responding to her once or twice because she’s just so hyped up on her own feelings. she also basically implies her happiness is reliant on her special interest which is very relatable.

lines like “you follow a script so you know what comes next” also really sell the interpretation that christine isn’t good in unpredictable situations, and has so many identity issues and likes having something to look to where things are laid out for her. i think that stability is what a lot of autistic people look for, especially teenagers.

also with that in mind, look at how upset she gets watching a play she loves about get rewritten into something weird and new that she doesn’t know.

also gotta love how she still self-isolates before this song by focusing on her book, until she has a reason to infodump to jeremy. and then feels guilty afterwards and goes right back into her book while apologizing for getting “carried away”....biiiig mood there

the whole intro scene showcases both of their awkwardness so much. jeremy gets completely thrown off by her sarcastic comment about the swim team and almost believes it, which implies that he can’t read tone very well. and then christine’s “you’re a virgin” comment comes across like she really didn’t think about how that would sound to jeremy before saying it since she only made the clarification after he was ready to panic about it. she has a habit of speaking before she thinks, i think, the self-harm comment is also very awkward considering she barely knows jeremy.

after that scene we get “more than survive reprise” where jeremy admits to routinely having such bad breakdowns that he needs to step out and go to the nurse which works for both the anxiety disorder and the autism interpretation.

i’m not quite sure whether i see rich as autistic (i see him with a lot of mental issues for sure though) so i can’t say much on “the squip song” but there’s definitely something to describing a confused autistic kid as “almost helpless.” rich definitely has a habit of giving too much information though, i’ll say that.

“two player game” is just jeremy and michael being autistic solidarity: the song. i guess this is a good place to say that jeremy and michael work well as a contrast b/w two sides of autistic community, the side that struggles to function and desperately wants a change bc they’re afraid of being alone forever, and the side that tries to love all their symptoms and embrace their autistic pride. and as coincidental icing on the cake, jeremy wears blue (associated with the derogatory views from autism speaks) and michael wears red (associated with combating said views through autistic pride).

btw you could probably attribute michael’s ability to casually down a long-expired crystal pepsi as a sort of weird sensory quirk. and his fixation w/ that sort of memorabilia honestly feels like a special interest in its own right!

both “nice sideburns....wolverine, right” and “like in x-men????” using fiction as a reference point for real life always gives me autistic vibes (esp the first point where he awkwardly uses it to start conversation). can we assume x-men is a special interest? :3

jake referring to jeremy as a ‘freak’ when the squip turns on is really sad in this context but it also does make so much sense

now we get to the squip.....and what do you know, it uses tactics from abusive therapy used on autistic children. dare i say that “be more chill” as a song isn’t just an abuser’s song, but an ableist’s abuser’s song.

first off, the “spinal stimulation.” here’s a not so fun fact: electroshock therapy has been used to discourage autistic behavior in very recent years. (content warning in link for graphic description of ableist torture)

then the lyrics, in which the squip mostly focuses on jeremy’s posture and physically punishes him for disobeying. jeremy is shown to really struggle to stand up straight and pose himself in a normal, confident way, and i think that tendency to be unaware of what our body is doing is a pretty autistic thing?

the fact the squip singles out stammering and refers to jeremy’s “tics and fidgets” brings attention to two more autistic traits of jeremy’s

the squip basically punishes jeremy for responding “incorrectly” to social situations like rejecting brooke, even if they aren’t objectively wrong. it eventually just starts speaking for jeremy because jeremy seems incapable of acting natural. the squip is an abusive autism parent.

“sync up” demonstrates jeremy’s weird relationship with empathy. he wants to be nice to everyone- will has even called him “deeply empathetic”- but he’s initially really bad at seeing other people’s point of view, which is why he positions himself as sort of against the world, seeing everyone as better than him or trying to set up these barriers of Coolness where everyone else must be perfect compared to him. he’s so surprised to learn that the popular kids also hurt because of his strict idea of the social structure. it’s a combination of low self esteem and a black-and-white viewpoint.

let’s go back to christine. the squip, already established as ableist abuser, finds her “highly unusual” for acting in a way that disregards everyone who views her. she has very strange and specific visions in her head, and it seems very natural for her even if jeremy struggles to follow along.

in later performances, she chews on her sleeve and spins around during AGTIKBI. that’s stimming, babes. also gotta acknowledge “i don’t always relate to other people my age, except when i’m on the stage”

i’m gonna use this section to talk about jake and christine. christineis a bit unsure when interacting with jake, until he validates her interest- her acting is what really touches him. but jake, while good-hearted, has trouble being self-centered and thus not fully aware of christine’s own needs and space. so christine is always a little uncomfortable around him, especially in public, and not always willing to socialize. he is right about her being kind of stuck in her comfort zone, though, not doing anything off of her stage. and he is genuinely nice to her, it’s just a matter of their social strategies clashing.

the fact that the squip blocks out michael...i’ve had a lot of times in my life where i was told that socializing with other “weird” people would be counterproductive for my social development and it was part of why i was stuck with so few friends. so i really feel the idea that blocking out the person who helps you feel confident in your atypicality is framed as a good thing so you can act more socially adept, and that doing otherwise would just drag you both down.

hot DAMN does “loser geek whatever” make so much sense for an autistic kid with internalized ableism.

“it’s not only school that’s rough, being lonely’s stupid tough” makes it pretty clear this isn’t about the school social scene as muc as it is the entire social scene of the world. we may not see it, but it’s just (not) interacting with people in general that jeremy can’t stand.

“michael says that weird is rad but feeling weird just makes me sad” as stated above, makes a Lot More Sense with the idea that michael is both a more confident autistic and really bad at addressing jeremy’s own internalized ableism and desire to make connections outside his small friend group.

everything about jeremy boiling down all his problems to his “instincts” sucking and needing to basically be told what to do really highlights how autistic kids can feel broken because of their inability to fit into the social norm, to the point where we repress every behavior that actually makes us feel comfortable and unique. 

not to mention the line about him being seen as a “normal handsome guy” since autistic people tend to be infantilized and never seen as desirable (will roland also implied this line has trans coding which is another discussion altogether but i feel i should acknowledge that here)

all of those terms that jeremy calls himself near the end- namely weirdo, misfit, oddball, freak, failure- all of this sounds like the shit people throw at autistic kids. like this goes beyond anxiety alone, this is jeremy being outcasted and oppressed by the general public due to his behavior. especially the “please don’t speak” part, considering how often autistic kids are mocked for misunderstanding when to speak, how to speak, and what to talk about. jeremy needs some freaking love. :(

“michael in the bathroom” is a panic attack, related to severe anxiety, but i do see a lot of aspects that play into autism as well. the little nervous stimmy movements of foot-bouncing and picking at grout, the explosive sensory overload during the “knock knock” section of the bridge, the whole concept of losing the only person you ever managed to connect to without sacrificing who you are, dealing with this massive change to your sense of philosophy and reality where you pinned everything on one person to ground yourself, and thus you’re now completely lost trying to isolate yourself from this big overwhelming social gathering...neurodivergent anthem all around.

jeremy and christine’s couch interactions during halloween give me such autistic positivity. christine basically echolales jeremy’s weird noise and they both have so much fun vocal stimming that they forget there’s another person in the room. it’s such a sweet moment until jeremy ruins it by realizing that asking her out right after a breakup is Not Really Good For Her.

christine’s reaction to the fire demonstrates a clear case of hyperempathy to me. it isn’t discussed as much as a complete lack of empathy, but autistic folks are prone to feeling way too much especially when it comes to others’ pain. christine talking about how she hates that everyone’s hurting and desperately wants to help but doesn’t know how, and how we’ve already seen how much she struggles to connect with others like jake....it’s a very relatable, very specific autistic mood.

going back to the theme of jeremy and empathy, christine’s above hyperempathy kind of breaks this mold, and while jeremy always does feel for the other kids, by this point he feels so strongly- particularly for christine, who he also saw as a perfect confident being until now- that the squip can manipulate him into “fixing” everyone the same way the squip was supposed to “fix” him. and he never considers that christine doesn’t need to be fixed because he just projects his own insecurity that strongly onto everyone else who seems “weird” in the same kind of way- hence why he assumes michael is jealous of him back in MITB. it’s likely a result of the squip’s manipulation but i feel like mind-blindness is a factor, even if jeremy switches between struggling to process others’ emotions and being extremely empathetic.

michael’s special interest saves the day!!! :D

the whole fight b/w jeremy and michael, assuming it comes from a genuine place of repressed bitterness, has a lot of added subtext with them both being autistic. jeremy accusing michael of “giving up” on social interaction, michael envies jeremy for trying bc michael is clearly Not comfortable in most large social settings, jeremy envies michael for his pride, it just hits home for me i guess

rich calling michael “antisocial headphones kid” honestly how is michael not canon autistic

in the off-bway version michael briefly speaks too loud forgetting that jeremy’s head still hurts which is a relatable Forgot About Boundaries thing. plus him smacking rich playfully forgetting that rich is Still In Pain

“voices in my head” works nice as a fuck-societal-norms-and-just-be-happy song. “embrace the traits that make you so odd” in particular :’)

jeremy remembering christine’s infodump about her obscure bowling alley performance art idea and bringing it up to her again!!!

the squip doesn’t go away because ableism and the anxiety it brings and all the upsetting symptoms of autism don’t go away, but with the right support and confidence you can live with them!!! good message for mental disorders in general and works very well in this context!!!

so in conclusion.....be more chill is autistic pride!!!

[thieves-in-the-palace]

Hey, I love your autistic phantom thief content to pieces. Have you ever thought about neurodivergent Mishima? I like headcanons about him that go in this direction, in particular rejection sensitive dysphoria.

I actually hadn’t thought about ND Mishima before and now I Cannot Stop, a lot of his behavior really makes a lot of sense when looked at from an ADHD standpoint? It’d be easy to say that his general demeanor – anxious, eager-to-please, etc – is the result of K*moshida’s abuse. But like…it’s heavily implicated that he’s just always been Like That (granted the abuse definitely didn’t help).

Ryuji & Mishima are ADHD bros pretty much. Whereas Ryuji’s ADHD manifests as being loud & physically active, Mishima’s manifests more as being nervous & industrious. Though their interests differ considerably (i.e. Ryuji doesn’t really care to hear about the Phansite 24/7 nor does Mishima care to talk about sports a lot), they still have enough in common that they become good friends.

The Phantom Aficionado Website is literally the epitome of hyperfixating + overworking himself in his case. After dealing with K*moshida for as long as he had to, he was in a position where positive feedback from others – esp. those he looks up to – was a top priority. He really REALLY wanted the Phantom Thieves to like him and to be useful to them, b/c let’s be real what’s more validating than being pals with the folks who took down your abuser?? And thus the Phansite (and his semi-obsession with it) was born.

Out of the Phantom Thieves, it seems like he looks up to Akira the most, so he’s always lowkey looking for the guy’s approval. Talking to him is wild for Mishima b/c their interactions can range from Immense Validation to just

Mishima: “Hey, I got this lead on someone who potentially needs a change of heart!”

Akira: [vague and/or dismissive answer]

Mishima, internally: cool cool cool i can feel death encroaching on my soul now

I feel like he’s the kind of person who will know that he’s rambling while hyperfixated, but he just. Cannot shut himself up. It’s no use, he Has To Talk but he’s just internally cringing the whole time

Based on how his Shadow is dealt with, I kinda get the feeling that he’s used to talking himself out of impulses, though with varying success. Some impulses, like using the Phansite donations to get him and Akira a fancy meal (and potentially gain some praise from Akira in the process), are easier to talk himself out of. RSD-related impulses seem like they’d give him the most trouble, especially seeing how he tried to lash out using the Phansite that time – people were rejecting the Phantom Thieves which was already bad enough, but by extension they were also rejecting him. The RSD-related impulses don’t go away after his Shadow disappears, but he definitely gets better at keeping his anger under control.