#esp cause I’m going to the beach in two weeks

[bbyboybucket]

When it’s 80 degrees out and the UV index is 7 but your pool isn’t open yet 😔😔😔😔

[mirkwoodshewolf]

Never have regrets; Joe Mazzello x reader

*Author’s note*

Hey guys well here I have another Secret Santa gift. As a part of the Get Down Give Joy giveaway I would like to present @stewielover95​ with your fic. Yes dear I am your secret Santa. I really hope you like this fic in the end, I struggled with it at first but then I finally had a good direction to go with it. Anyways I also want to thank @warriorteam1924​ and @thosequeenboys​ for creating this splendid give away, after the LONG AND HELLISH year that 2020 has given us, it was very sweet of them to create this little give away to brighten up our holiday spirit (esp. since we can’t really see our families this year. Even if you can, PLEASE BE SAFE!!!). Now I’ll stop typing so that you all can start reading, hope everyone enjoys this lovely little fic with our beloved dino boy Joey Mazzello :) 

Warnings: Joe’s chaotic child behavior (MAY CAUSE CAVITIES), fluff, parental angst, parent death, mentions of suicide, a small very subtle HINT of COVID (word isn’t mentioned but still think I should give warning), 

Taglist:

@plethora-of-things​

@waddles03​

@psychosupernatural​

@ixchel-9275​

@simonedk​

@queensdivas​

@queen-paladin​

@jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels​

@queendeakyy​

@geek-and-proud​

@wormzteef​

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I was peacefully sleeping.  After working long hours at my job I wanted nothing more than to just stay in bed all day and sleep until lunchtime.

“Hey baby~” Joey’s voice cooed in my ear.  I felt him kiss my cheek and I let out a tired groan. “Good morning.”

“Joey!” I whined. “Go back to sleep.”

“No. The sun’s awake, so I’m awake. Which means we have to snuggle and make out.” I cracked an eye open and looked up at him.  His auburn hair all messed up from his constant tossing and turning that he does in his sleep.

“We’ll make out when the rooster crows.”

“But babe there aren’t any roosters in New York.”

“Exactly.” He faux a gasp as he collapsed back on the bed.

“How could you? And I thought you loved me?! I knew it. You’re only in it for the money! Or the childhood fame crush! Or was it for Ben? It was for Ben wasn’t it! I knew you two were having an affair behind my back!” god he was such a drama queen.  But he was my drama queen.

“Yes we’ve been sneaking in text messages behind your back.” I teased him.

“Okay that’s it!” I then felt him wriggle himself under the covers and I felt myself go from my stomach to my back in a split second.

“Joseph Francis Mazzello III! What the f—NO AHHH NO DOHOHOHN’T! DON’T TICKLE ME!!” I thrashed around trying to get him off of me but he had me pinned right down to the bed.

“You gonna get up now?” I heard him say from under the covers.

“JOHOHOHOE!!!” I screamed out in laughter. “Plehehehehease!”

“No not until you either say you’re gonna wake up. Or until I hear an apology.” Then I heard the dreaded sound and feeling of his deadly raspberries being blown on my stomach, just an inch over my bellybutton.  And it was even worse now that he was growing out his beard.

“Okay! OK! OK! OK! OKAY STOP! I surrender! I surrender!” his head soon peaked out from the covers as his face was just a few inches away from mine.  His shit-eating grin spread across his face, while his eyes twinkled with that same mischievous spark that made me fall in love with him. “I hate you.” I whined.

“Aww and I hate you too.” He moved closer to my lips and kissed me. “I hate you—so much.” His voice lowered down as he deepened the kiss. I felt his hands cup the sides of my face while my arms wrapped around him.

My right-hand stroking through his already messy hair while my left wrapped around his back.  After what felt like an eternal make out session, we finally separated from each other and stared at one another.

“Alright you have my attention Joey.”

“Yay!” he cheered softly. “But in all seriousness, we need to get up. We promised my mom that we’d help with the Christmas decorations.”

“Okay. Now get off me yah goober so that we can help her.” He got off of me and I sat up but I was quickly pulled back onto the bed, laying against Joe’s chest.  Him grinning smugly at me as he kissed me on the lips.

“Sorry, had to get my morning kiss from you.”

“And the morning make out session wasn’t enough for you?”

“Morning make outs and morning kisses are two completely different things.” He told me in that philosophical tone of his.  You know the one you use to make yourself sound smarter.

“Ahh I see. Well thank you Professor Mazzello on explaining the differences between the two.”

“That’s Dr. Mazzello to you. But you are most welcome. Anything for my best student.” I pecked his nose and got back up but found myself being pulled back again towards Joe.

“Joey!”

“Sorry, sorry I couldn’t resist. Okay for real this time, go on. I’m right behind you.”

“Why don’t you go first and I’ll be right behind you?” I suggested.  He sighed and pulled the covers off of us and went to sit up but this time I grabbed his hand and pulled him back onto the bed.  I pecked his lips before taking off out of the room.

We both raced down the stairs and towards the living room when I felt Joey catch me in his arms, pick me up and spin me around.  Laughing manically while he did it.  I myself couldn’t help but giggle when a female voice said.

“Ah-uh Joseph! No horse playing in the house.”

“Sorry mom.” He said as he sat me down.

“Sorry about that mama.” I said.

You see, Joe and I had been dating for practically ten years. We actually met through our good friend Rami way back when we were all on the Pacific.  I was part of the costume department, and I was Rami’s assistant costumer.  So whenever he got into Snafu’s character of course he tried to flirt with me and I’d play along off of his character telling him he didn’t have a chance.

Between takes the three of us became thick as thieves and kept in contact.  Then one day when we were all on break, Rami set Joe and I up to meet at the beach so that the two of us could talk to each other.  At the time of filming, Joe and I had been really shy around each other and we both liked each other (of course neither of us had the guts to say it to the other).

But after spending our break at the beach together that’s when Joe made the first I love you confession and—the rest is history as they say. When the three of us reunited for Bohemian Rhapsody and got to know Ben, Lucy, Allen, and Gwilym, our little family had now grown bigger.  And it was after filming a concert scene in Japan (with some help from the actual Queen band themselves) that Joe (yes still dressed as early 70’s John Deacon) proposed to me.

So for 2 years he and I had been married.  Of course like all couples we have our fights and disagreements but in the end we patch through them and not let it run our lives. Oh and I almost forgot, since I had been so close with the Mazzello family throughout our entire relationship, I had the privilege to call Joe’s parents, my parents even before we got married.

“I swear you both remind me of—” that’s when mom trailed off sadly as she looked down.  Joe and I grew sad too as we thought about his dad.

“We miss him too mom. God I—I can’t believe this will be our 3rd Christmas without him.” Joe said as he walked towards his mom and gave him a hug.

“As much as I wish he could be here with us, he wouldn’t want us to be sad on his favorite holiday.” She told us.  She took a deep breath in and cleaned her eyes of her hidden tears. “There now, I’ve got breakfast all ready for you two. Once you’re done, Joseph, I want you to bring in the Christmas boxes from the garage and set them in the living room. (Y/n), you and I will get the Christmas decorations from the attic.”

“Ma’am yes ma’am!” We both saluted.  We went to the kitchen and ate our breakfast.  After that we went to our stations and helped Mama Mazzello with the Christmas decorating.

It took almost all day but we came to a pretty good stopping place today decorating wise.  We put up some of the minor Christmas displays up all over the house (like small animal plushies, Christmas pictures of the Mazzello family throughout the years, etc.) Joe managed to get all the outdoor decorations set up and displayed, and mama and I set up the Christmas placemats on the tables.

It was now a bit past 5pm and it was pitch black outside. Joey and I were cuddled together on the sofa and I looked out the window and shook my head.

“I still can’t get over the fact that it gets dark at freakin 4o’clock now.”

“I know it’s crazy. My mom’s never liked it, have yah mom?”

“Oh it messes up my schedule everytime!” Mom cried out from the kitchen as she was prepping dinner.  “Hey (Y/n) are your mom and Derek still coming to the party?”

“Yeah. They said they’d be taking the train from Virginia instead of the plane. I think they said they’d be coming up sometime next Wednesday. I’ll call them later tonight to confirm that.”

“Alright well I’ll get the guest room set up for them.”

“You know you don’t need to do that.”

“Nonsense you guys are family. And it’ll be a lot safer here at the house than taking a hotel room with everything that’s going on.” She said.

“Yeah that is true. Thanks mama.”

“Okay well come and make a plate you two, dinner’s ready.” We stood up and got our dinner (steak and potatoes) and ate at the dinner table while playing on Freeform’s 25 days of Christmas was the Santa Clause.

Weeks later and it was the day before the Mazzello Christmas party and arriving in less than an hour was my mom and Derek.  If your curious as to why I call my dad Derek, well he’s not really my dad. He’s my stepdad but I really do care for him.

He and my mom met up shortly after I graduated from high school after my parents divorced.  My real dad and I…well—we don’t talk at all.  Our relationship is very strained so why don’t we just leave it at that?  But when my mom met Derek, he’s been the father I wished I had.

He’s loving, supportive, kind, funny, and he’s always there whenever my mom or I needed him.  He was there for me when Joe and I were going through a bad patch in our relationship, he was there for all my birthdays and movie premieres, and he was even the one to walk me down the aisle at mine and Joe’s wedding.

I was doing the last final touches of cleaning up the house for my mom and Derek’s arrival, as well as Joe’s siblings, nieces, and nephews. I heard the door open and a stampede of footsteps soon came running towards me.

“Auntie (Y/n)! Auntie (Y/n)!” I was soon glomped by 4 little nuggets.

“Hey there kiddies. Oh I’ve missed you four soo much! How have you all been?”

“I lost another tooth see?” Joe’s niece Samantha said opening her mouth to show me her missing tooth.

“I learned how to ride my bike!” his nephew Matthew aka Matty exclaimed.

“Oh big boy now huh? Bet you were better than your uncle Joey was.”

“I heard that!” Joe called out.  He along with this brother and sister came through the living room and I hugged my brother and sister in laws.

“Hey guys Merry Christmas.” I greeted them.

“Merry Christmas (Y/n).” his sister Mary said as she and I hugged each other first.

“Even though Christmas isn’t until tomorrow.” His brother John said.

“Okay Scrooge. Get over here John.” He gave me a kiss to my cheek and the two of us embraced each other. “Joe’s told me about your little league’s championship win. That’s amazing.”

“Yeah those kids did me proud.”

“You know if you could convince Joe and (Y/n) to hurry up with getting kids of their own, they might give you some new champions.” A female voice soon spoke up.  Soon coming around the corner of the house along with Mama was my own mom as well as Derek.

“Mom!” I whined.

“Now, now (m/n) don’t go pressuring her just yet. There’s still plenty of time for her and Joe to have kids. Say when their 50.” I chuckled and shook my head at Derek’s statement.  I walked up to them and first hugged my mom.

“Did you guys have a safe train ride?” I asked.

“It went well. Much less crowded than I expected.”

“That’s cause you’ve always done the Metro mom. Metro and train are two totally different things.” I told her.  I turned to Derek and he said with a smile as he extended his arms out.

“Come here baby girl.” I smiled and went into his arms and the two of us hugged each other. “Don’t just wait till the holidays to come see us. How will your mother and I survive?”

“I’m sorry Derek, work’s just been crazy lately. Directors have been wanting me to do costume designing and fittings for them left and right.” I said as we released each other from the hug.

“And why wouldn’t they? You’re incredibly talented.” Joe said as he came up and quickly pecked my cheek.

“He’s right. I remember you staying up way past your curfew designing costumes for your tech theatre class back in high school.” Derek continued. “And all those times of drawing on napkins and the corners of the morning paper. I swear you doodled sketches like it was no one’s business.”

“You stayed up pass curfew?” my mother snapped.

“Thanks a lot Derek.” I muttered angrily.

“Hey had to come out sometime right?” I playfully nudged him and said to my mom.

“That’s in the past mom. No need to talk about it now.”

“Oh you can be sure we’ll discuss that later little missy.” She lectured as she waved her finger at me.

“Alright, now the rooms have all been prepared for you all in advance. Mary, John you’ll take your old rooms. (M/n) and Derek the guest room has been made up for you all and of course the kids get the cloud bedroom.” The kids all cheered. “Now everyone drop your bags off in your designated rooms and we can all gather around the table for some dinner.”

I helped mom with her bags and guided her and Derek to the guest room while Joe went to help his mom set up the table for dinner.

“So when can we expect future grandbabies from you and Joe (n/n)?” my mom asked.

“If you keep pestering me about that then you won’t have any grandbabies.” I teased her as we came to the room.  “Here we are, I cleaned it up myself. Hope you guys will be comfortable.”

“It’s great (y/n). Thank you.” Derek assured me.

“Tell Virginia we’ll be down in a moment once we’re finished unpacking.” My mom said.  I nodded then left the two of them to unpack their stuff.

As I came down the stairs, I already saw Joe being attacked by all his nieces and nephews.  The kids were climbing all over him like a tree, all of them talking over the other and squealing like little piglets.  

God seeing Joe with those kids it—really did make me want to have kids with him.  He’s already a fun uncle, I’m positive he’d make a great dad.  Probably spoil our kids to no end but—he could be the discipliner if he needed to.

“Ow! Who’s on the head?!” Joe exclaimed.  I shook my head at his nephew Matty who had half of his body on top of Joe’s head.

“Alright you kids break it up.” I told the kids as I grabbed Matty and held him in my arms.

“Auntie (Y/n), will you sing for us tomorrow at the party like you did last year?” He asked me.

“You bet she’ll sing for you kids. And hey how about we do one better. How would you kids like it if your auntie (Y/n) and I performed together?” Joe asked joyously.  But the kids all let out a groan.

“No uncle Joey you can’t sing!” complained Sammy.

“Excuse me?!” Joe gawked offensively.

“Yeah uncle Joey, you don’t have that good of a singing voice.” Matty agreed.

“And too loud sometimes.” His other niece Katie or as I like to call her Kitty-cat said.

“My own kin turned against me. That’s it you three are in BIG trouble. C’mere!” he went to grab his nieces who quickly ran off his lap and hid behind me.

“Save us auntie (Y/n)!” the girls chorused out.  I shielded the three of them and stood before Joe as his face got right up close to mine.

“You know we could team up and catch them together.”

“I don’t betray kids Joe.”

“So—they’ve turned you too. Fine. I’ll take you down first.” Suddenly he picked me up over his shoulder and proceeded to spin me around and around like a helicopter.

“JOEY!!” I exclaimed through my laughter.

“Then surrender the kids to me or the spinning continues.” He threatened.

“Well then this game’s gonna have to be put on hold cause it’s time for dinner.” Joe’s mom spoke up.  The kids all raced to the dinner table while Joe put me back down. I stumbled a little but he caught me and asked.

“You okay?”

“I’ll live. Just next time don’t spin me around so fast.” I kissed the corner of his lips before heading towards the sinner table with Joe right behind me.  Soon enough we all gathered around and had ourselves a pre-Christmas family dinner.

Soon it finally arrived.  The most wonderful time of the year, Christmas eve.  All the gifts were now placed under the tree wrapped up in various Christmas themed wrappings or color schemes of silver, red, gold, and green. Now it was really beginning to look like Christmas.

“Alright guys, as per tradition we shall start off with (Y/n);s annual Christmas performance.” Mama Mazzello said.  I stood up from Joe’s lap as everyone applauded.

Derek at the speakers ready for my signal for him to turn the first song on.  I nodded and he clicked the play button and soon my first song (in fact the very first song I ever sang back when I was a teen for my family) Faith Hill’s “Where are you Christmas”.

It’s also my mom’s favorite song and every year since I sang it back when it came out in 2000 she’s wanted me to sing it just for her. As I sang I could see the tears forming in my mom’s eyes as a wide smile spread across her face and she lip synched the words.  The kids all stared at me in awe, and my beloved Joe Mazzello he was entranced.

He’s always teased me of how I should be a singer instead of a costume designer and back when we were both involved with Bohemian Rhapsody he’s sworn that he’d get me up on stage with Queen and Adam Lambert to sing with them. Thankfully that hasn’t happened (and I hope it continues that way) so Joe’s just had be do private concerts for him.

After the song was done they all clapped as I told Derek my next song and helped him search the right version of the song.

“This one right here?” he asked to confirm.

“Yep that’s the one.” I told him.  I turned back towards the family and now playing on the speakers was Carrie Underwood’s “Do you hear what I hear?” I fingered the piano chords against my thigh, pretending that I was actually playing the keys (even though I can’t play to save my ass, even with Rami’s help).

That song required a lot of breath work and correct timing but I managed to pull it off and once the song concluded everyone clapped again. This time for the final song, I took out two chairs and set them before everyone.

Joe took this as his cue to come up and help me set up the finale song, especially since he was going to be joining me on it this year. We had been practicing this since November, he wrote the script and everything and we rehearsed it and rehearsed it and rehearsed it.

“For this final song I first want to thank my director and partner Joe Mazzello for writing the script for this little skit you will see.” Joe nodded as he came in with two cups of hot chocolate (his being made of almond milk of course).  The two of us sat side by side and Joe clapped his hands together and said.

“And…..action!” I took a sip of my hot chocolate and said my first line.

“I still can’t believe you can finally drink hot chocolate.”

“Hey almond milk saves lives.” He said his line.

“Personally, I’d never drink that stuff but so long as it helps you. I’m glad I could share this tradition with you.”

“Me too babe.” My phone then dinged and I said.

“Oh my god!”

“What? What is it babe?”

“It’s already pass midnight. My mother’s gonna kill me!”

“Whoa, whoa wait a minute. Don’t tell me you’re going out there!” he said as we both stood up and he gestured toward the window.

“I have to Joey. Even if it’s 20ft of snow out there, it’s nothing compared to the wrath of a mother who doesn’t like their baby staying out past curfew.” I broke the 4th wall and turned to my mom who crossed her arms and looked at me with a playful scowl.

“C’mon just give her a call and explain it to her. It’s way too cold out there for you. I won’t let you freeze out there.” Derek then turned on the song “Baby it’s cold outside” the Seth McFarlane and Sara Bareilles version.

The two of us walking in circles of each other with me trying to head out of the living room and Joe coming around in front of me singing Seth’s part while I sang Sara’s.

Every now and then he’d take my hands in his and giving them a kiss.  Or he’d brush a strand of hair out from my face, gingerly brushing my cheek with the back of his finger.  But just as we got to the end of the first verse, there was a knock at the door.

Joe and I stopped singing as Derek cut off the music and we all turned our attention to the door.

“Mom is—anyone else coming?” asked Mary.

“No.” she simply stated.  Four more knocks rang through the house.  The kids were started to get frightened as they ran up to their parents.

“I’ll find out who it is.” Said Mary’s husband Dylan.

“No, no, no. You just stay with your kids Dylan. I’ll go see who it is.” Derek offered as he left the living room.  After about a minute my mom followed behind him and the next thing I heard was my mom saying.

“What are you doing here!?” it—it couldn’t be.  I raced out of the living room as Joe tried to reach out for me and stop me but he was too late.  I came around and walked down the small hallway staircase that led to the front door and there at the door was someone I hoped I’d never see again.

For there standing at the door in his famed fedora hat was my dad.

He looked older than the last time I saw him, his hair going grey from the stress and wrinkles forming at the end of his eyes.

“I know I don’t have a right to be here, but……”

“That’s right you don’t!” I snapped.  My mom and Derek looked up at me.

“(Y/n) go back upstairs. Derek and I can handle this.” My mom told me.

“(Y/n)?” my dad asked in awe.  I glared at him and crossed my arms over my chest. “Wow look—look at you. You’re……practically grown up.”

“Yeah.” I snapped shortly. “You’d know if you’d pay attention instead of just criticizing me all the time.”

“I know. I……that’s actually why I came here.”

“How did you even know we’d be here (F/n)?” my mom asked.

“Well as part of the NYPD I’ve been—keeping tabs on our daughter. And found out who she married and where she was currently living at.”

“You’ve been spying on me!? Great even when you’re no longer apart of this family you still have to spy on everything I do!” I snapped. “So have you come to complain about my husband now? How I should’ve married a doctor or a cop? How I’ve thrown my life away by marrying an actor?”

“No.” he said. “I haven’t come to do anything like that. I just…..”

“No you know what? Let me start off since you never listened to me then, but you’ll hear me now!”

I walked down the steps and even though my mother tried to get me to go back upstairs, I got out of her arms and got right in my dad’s face and sneered at him.

“For years I’ve tried to be the perfect daughter you said you wanted! And for my childhood I tried to follow in your footsteps. But as I became a preteen you began to nitpick at everything! The color of my hair, what type of clothes I should wear, how I should wear my makeup, you even didn’t like the fact that I wanted to get my ears pierced! Said it was for criminals and goth kids to get their bodies pierced. You called me a delinquent!”

“I-I-I know I did. But now I’m……”

“It doesn’t matter what you have or want to say. The verbal abuse you gave me throughout my life has been nothing but a stab at my self-esteem. I tried to commit suicide by the time I was 16 because of you! You did that!”

“I’m sorry (Y/n).”

“Where was the sorry back then? Where was it? All you told me after I got back from the hospital was that it was my fault for disobeying you.” I once again got in his face and sneered lowly, “So whatever you have to say forget it.”

I turned around and walked up the steps.  As I got halfway up my dad tried to say to me.

“(Y/n) please. I’m trying to make amends for that now. I know I’ve done and said awful things to you in the past. And looking back on it, it’s made me feel absolutely disgusted with myself. I’m your father, please forgive me.  It’s Christmas time.” I lowered my head before turning my head towards him.

“Derek’s my father. Now get the fuck out of my life.” I said lowly to him while I glared at him.  I ran back up the stairs and headed right towards Joe’s room.  I slammed the door and hid myself in the corner of his room, curled myself up into a tight ball, and tried to keep my tears at bay but every now and then a tear fell from the corner of my eye.

I heard the door open and softly shut.  The bed softly dipped down; and the familiar smell of Joe’s cologne hung in the air.

“Please Joe I—I’m not in the mood.”

“I know. That’s not why I came up here though.” I felt him rub my back in soothing circles. “Baby girl, I—I think you should really talk to your dad.” I raised my head up at him, my jaw dropped in shock and my eyes bug-eyed.

“You can’t be serious.”

“C’mon babe it’s Christmas…..”

“So?! I already spoke my mind to him!”

“No. You ranted in anger. You’re not supposed to be angry or any other negative emotion during Christmas.”

“Joe you—” I took a sharp breath in. “I’ve told you what he’s done to me. The neglect and verbal abuse he gave me. How am I supposed to suddenly let it go and forgive him!?”

“I know it’s not easy…..”

“I don’t believe this….you’re actually taking his side!!” I snapped as I backed away from him.

“I’m not! All I’m saying that is if you continue to hate him for the rest of your life, you’ll never be truly happy. Babe please I’m just thinking about what’s best for you.”

Oh my god—it couldn’t be.  He wouldn’t…….

“You called him.”

“What? No!?”

“No. No, no, no, no, no, no, not-it-it-it all makes sense. How else could he pick up this address? That whole detective bullshit you reached out to him and called him up didn’t you!?”

“(Y/n) I—”

“TELL ME THE TRUTH!!” I screamed at him.  Silence rang out through Joe’s childhood room as he and I stared eye to eye with each other.  Not a single one of us flinching or breaking eye contact.

“Even if it was me, as I told you I was only trying to help.”

“How!?” I snapped. “Be thankful your dad died a good man!” At the mention of his dad, Joe’s face grew hard and angry.

“I know. I was lucky. My dad was a kind man, and generous and forgiving. But get this (Y/n), I won’t get to experience that type of father love ever again! And I would give anything to have him back here! To have gotten to know you as my wife instead of my girlfriend! To one day see our children! So be thankful that your father is still alive and healthy!” his voice quivered and choked as his voice got steadily louder.

“Joe, I—”

“All I wanted was for you to make amends with your dad because you never know which day will be your last!” he stormed out of the room and slammed the door shut.

Goddamnit! Now I feel like shit.  I sighed heavily and fell down onto the bed and felt the tears stream down my face.

After calming myself down and cleaning myself up, I walked downstairs and there was my mom, Derek, Joe’s mom, and siblings.  The kids weren’t there so I assume Mary and John sent them to bed after what had happened.

“If you’re wondering where Joe is he left. Didn’t say where he went he just—took his coat, hat and scarf and just left.” John said.

“I wasn’t going to ask that.” I walked over to my mom and said. “Where’s (f/n)?”

“What?”

“Please mom I—just tell me where he went.” I said urgently.

“He told me he was staying at the Milton motel just 15min. away from here.” I raced and grabbed my winter gear and keys.  My mom calling out to me but I didn’t hear her as I got on my bike and took off down the streets.

When I arrived at the Milton, I went up to the front desk and asked to see a (F/n) (l/n), I told the concierge that I was someone close to him. She called him up and told me he’d be down in a minute.

I sat down in the lobby and waited for him to come down.  I heard the elevator ding and soon coming out of it was (F/n).  He turned to his left and when he saw me, his eyes widened.

“(Y/n)?” I stood up.  He slowly walked towards me. “But I thought—”

“First I want to say this before I say something else. You suddenly showing up the way you did was uncalled for. You can’t expect an apology after the years of neglect and verbal abuse you gave me. Even from the smallest little thing about me that I wanted to change, you insulted me to no ends.” I took a deep breath. “And as much as I want to never want anything to do with you again—someone once told me that if I continue to hate you for the rest of my life, I’ll never be truly happy.”

“I’ve looked back on my actions and every day I hate myself for what I’ve done to you. So—will you give me another chance?”

“I won’t forgive you right away and start calling you dad.”

“I’ll take what I can get. Thank you (Y/n).” he extended his hand out for me to take.  For the first time in years I took my dad’s hand and we shook on it.  “Do you want to spend Christmas day with us tomorrow?”

“I’d like that very much. Plus I’d—I’d like to get to know the man that stole your heart.” My eyes widened.

“Joe! Shit I almost forgot! Ohh but where could he be? He could be anywhere!”

“Just a minute (Y/n), let me make a call.” He took out his phone and made a call. “Hey Jeremy, it’s me. Yeah hey listen I know it’s the holidays but I need your tracking skills.” I saw him nod and hum in agreement, “Okay just a second,” he placed the phone down against his shoulder and asked me, “Do you have his number?”

I told him Joe’s number and he relayed that to his friend. Wow I guess he really is a police officer.

“Really? Great. Thanks Jeremy. Yes you have a Merry Christmas too. See you after the New Year. Bye.” He hung up his phone and said. “His cell was last pinged at the Rockefeller Center.” I thanked him and raced out of the motel and back to my bike.  I revved it up and raced on down to Rockefeller Center.

The monument around Christmas time.  I stood before the giant, beautiful tree and raced towards it on foot.  I looked around for Joe till I finally found him on the other side of the two angel statues playing their horns.

“Joe!?” he turned around and looked at me before glaring softly and turned back around.  I raced towards him but he still refused to look at me.  “Joey……I—I talked to him. My dad. And—it’s gonna take some time but I…..I told him I’d give him another chance.” He didn’t respond back, hell he still didn’t even look at me. “I was way out of line. I shouldn’t have accused you like that. I mean, even if you did call him I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that. I was angry and—those feelings that my dad gave me when I was a kid I’ve tried to bury them for years. And seeing him for the first time in forever it—made me feel like that extremely insecure girl I once was. And I didn’t want you to see me like that.”

Again, he remained silent and stoic.

“And I shouldn’t have mentioned your dad. He wouldn’t have wanted us to fight, especially on his favorite holiday. I’m sorry Joe.” Nothing. Not even a smug Deacy grin. “Joey?” why wasn’t he answering me?

I slowly approached him and everytime I tried to lean forward to look at him, he just turned his head further away from me.

“Joe please? What more do you want me to say? You were right and I was wrong? That Ben should really be with you instead of Gwil? What can I say that will help you say something to me?” he crossed his arms over his chest and huffed at me.

I sighed sadly and looked up at him.  Okay, I get it.  Guess he’s really upset with me and I could possibly expect him to go stay with Rami and Lucy for the next month or so.

“Alright. I get it. You don’t want anything to do with me anymore. I deserve it. I was a real bitch to you. But I just want you to know that I’ll always love you, and that I hope you find the right girl for you. Even if it’s not me.” I turned and walked away from him when I suddenly felt two arms wrap around my waist and pull me up against a comfy coated chest.

“And just what makes you think that I would want anyone else?”

“What?” he gave me a cheeky grin. “Oh you son of a—” I proceeded to hit him in his chest screaming profanities at him.  All the while he kept laughing and holding my arms back.  He then proceeded to peck all over my face with kisses.

Soon my anger turned to laughter as I calmed down and surrendered to his kisses.

“You’re a real jerk sometimes you know that.”

“But you married me in the end right?” I nodded as he once again wrapped his arms around me.  “So you really talked to your dad? Not just yelled at him.”

“Yes. I—even invited him for Christmas lunch tomorrow.”

“Well look at you making progress!” he exclaimed proudly before taking off my beanie and ruffled my hair.  I exclaimed and tried to shoo his hand away from my head.  He chuckled then readjusted my hair to some level of normalcy.  “In all seriousness babe, I’m glad you took my advice.”

“Yeah. I mean like you said, I’ll never truly be happy till I let go of my anger. And I haven’t realized til now just how much that anger has been weighing me down.”

“I could see it every time your dad was even mentioned. I hate seeing you be that angry.” he embraced me from behind, nuzzling his nose into my hair.

“I’m—also sorry about….you know what I said about your dad.” He placed my head over his chest.

“I forgive you. We were both angry and said the first thing that came to mind.”

“But I shouldn’t have spoken ill about your dad. He really was a sweet guy.”

“That he was.” He smiled the smile he inherited from both his parents.

“Like father like son.” I giggled.  He chuckled and took my hand then as we walked back to my bike, we both looked up and saw that snow was starting to fall.

“Well, looks like we’re getting a White Christmas after all.” He said.

“Indeed, just prepare for the avalanche of feet from the munchkin army come morning.”

“Don’t I know it. But you’re also forgetting one other kid.” He looked at me confused. “You yah big man child!”

“Hey you’re just as crazy about snow as I am!” we then proceeded to nag at each other over who was a bigger fan of the snow, even going as far as to see who would crack first tomorrow morning once we’d see the snow on the ground.

[bluekayanite]

(SU/SU:F Observations/Theory) More on the SU Moon

So I've been convinced for awhile that the moon appearing in Steven Universe eps (and at least one of the books) is NOT RANDOM.  The first four eps of Steven Universe: Future helped solidify this for me even further.

So here's what I think the appearance of the moon means, as well as a number of my moon-related observations from the original SU.

EDIT (Dec 16, 2019): Corrected a detail that I missed/got wrong. =3 EDIT2 (Dec 17, 2019): Added another detail. ^w^

So, I believe that an important person from the Gem War has been imprisoned in the observation orb in the Diamond base.

(The force field is for extra insurance, filtering out anyone who might intend to do a rescue.)

Like the mirror that Lapis was trapped in, I believe that this prisoner can see what's going on through the orb's observation functions.  When this person is watching, the moon will appear.

When this person is paying closer attention than usual, the moon will often be bright and/or full... it may even be pink.

Sometimes, when this person is watching hard, even the sunset (or sunrise) will be pink.

I believe that - like with the search robonoids in Off-Colors - Rose's sheild wasn't enough to black out White Diamond's mind control powers.

I believe that the prisoner on the moon is the real Pink Diamond.

The Prisoner is Certainly Interested in Pink's Stuff

The reason I decided to write this is because of the moon's presence in the third and fourth eps of SU:F, Rose Buds and Volleyball - eps that would certainly be relevant to Pink Diamond's interests, because they're about Gems that would more-than-likely be important to her.  The moon shows up a LOT in Rose Buds, and is often on the bright side.

Granted, most of the appearances are in the same background of Steven's Room, during the slumber party - I omitted about half the shots because they'd be redundant. XD;  Still, it's quite a bit for the amount of show it's in.

That said, it doesn't start showing up until after the Rose Quartzes came to Steven's house.  And Crewniverse definitely took some creative liberties for *where* it appears.  For example, it's seen in *almost* the same place in the sky for both night and day shots of the house.

The moon doesn't work that way. XD  It's going to appear to go across the sky, just like the sun does, and at about the same rate.  The amount of shift that it does have would only suggest a change of... maybe a half-hour, if that.  Certainly not enough time to go from broad daylight to a dark, starry sky.  Another thing is that, even though the moon is shown on the opposite side of the house from Steven's new sliding-doors, you can see it through the sliding doors. XD

Also: even though you normally see it through the left side of the doors, it switches to the right side, just for this one shot.

So it really seems to me like they're trying to emphasize "the moon is there!"  I can't think of a reason why they would do that, unless it were important to the story... in this case, a story about a few Rose Quartzes, who Pink made.  (I like to imagine that it's like she's trying to press her nose to the door. XD)

Now in Volleyball, while most of the shots are indoors, the shots of the house include the moon... again, in both day (right at the beginning of the ep) and night (right at the end of the ep), and again, in about the same position in the sky for both day and night.

Though this time the moon even changes phases, going from quarter-moon to a full one.  Again, the moon doesn't work that way!  It takes a week to go between a quarter-moon and a full moon.  (It's also one of the times when its on the brighter side.)

So again, I don't think this'd be done unless it were important to the story.  Again, the story is about a Gem that Pink (probably) made, and who is probably important to her.  I've already mentioned that I suspect that a full moon means that Pink is paying extra-close attention - this suggests to me that Pink Pearl really was that important to Pink.

...I could only imagine what Pink would be feeling.  She might be a that the Pearl (esp. the pink one) seem to be doing okay, but what they think about her would probably be awkward at best.  ...more likely it would be painful though IMO - one of the Gems who she was really closest to has forgotten who she really is.

The Moon-Prisoner Seems Interested in Steven and the Crystal Gems

Okay... so I haven't actually scanned through all the SU eps to see where the moon shows up, but here are the things I have noticed:

The moon shows up a lot when Steven and Connie are together - as does the pink-sky thing.

In Sworn to the Sword, the moon is actually full briefly during the Jam Buds song... and then instantly changes to a quarter-moon.  This is extra weird moon-behavior, since it's actually impossible for the moon to be full during the day, since it has to be on the opposite side of the Earth from the sun to be full. XD  She's gotta be paying really close attention - not to mention be very POWERFUL - if she managed that. X3

(And yes, I'm sure it's not the sun.  The sun isn't made of two shades of blue.)

Anyway, the moon is there for two of Greg's stories.

It's also there for Garnet's wedding. ;3

(Looks to me like Pink's a 'shipper. =3 X3  It even shows up during Gemcation, when Connie and Steven aren't talking.)

It's there, full, and bright, for ALL of the wrestling matches.  (Seriously, ALL of them.)

It's hard to see after Tiger and Puma get beaten, but it's there.

It's bright and pink when Steven is having trouble with his cat fingers - possibly suggesting freak-out.

Speaking of freak-out, the moon shows quite a bit during the Heart of the Crystal Gems arc, after "the Reveal" - as do pink sunsets.

In The Question, there's also a higher rate of pink-colored, diamond-shaped stars with a halo around them - something else that I think could be a clue that the prisoner's watching... maybe even trying to communicate.

She also seemed to be watching during the fiasco with the communications tower (where the moon is explicitly used to show the passing of time).

...and may have checked in out of worry, after.  Specifically, on Amethyst.

And seemed to have watched for the resolution. =‘3

It's hard to miss the moon at the end of Rose's Scabbard.

She also apparently watches Beach-A-Palooza - the moon is even noticeably pink during Sadie's Song!

(...though admittedly, the pink may be harder to notice against my marks. XD; )

There's some INTENSE pink-sunset going on in Raising the Barn, when a fellow prisoner is thinking about running away.  (Plus a half-moon, after it's too late to stop her.)

She may have noticed when Lars - a friend of Steven's - went missing.

She may have even followed Buddy’s adventures.

I even wonder if she somehow got Lion to go get Steven out from the ocean in Escapism.

Overall, the impression that I get from when and how the moon appears is sort of a curious, excitable, and supportive (and/or worrying) feeling.  And it would seem to me like the prisoner enjoys entertainment, much like Pink is established to. ;3

The Moon is Conveniently Absent for Certain Plot Points

Like I hinted at, there don't appear to be any signs of the moon in either Little Homeschool or Guidance.  In fact, other than when Jasper first arrives, the moon hasn't shown AT ALL when either Jasper or Smokey have been involved - and even when Jasper first arrives, it's a stretch, because you have to count seeing the moon from the hand-ship, where I'm not sure the orb could look into.

Though I guess the sky could be considered pink after the crash... (I'd say it's more of a light/pale red, though - not quite "pink" range.)

And the sky is definitely pink at the end of Back to the Kindergarten - an ep that Smokey appeared in.

Still, it seems plausible that the prisoner doesn't know much about what's happened with Jasper, and she might not know about Smokey (or the other with-Gem Steven-Fusions) at all.  I'm thinking there's a pretty good chance that there's going to be an ep where Pink meets Jasper, and there's some shock involved (on both sides).

Similarly... one of my theories is that Smokey's freckles are a recessive trait indirectly inherited from Pink, who had to hide her own freckles.  (They're the only truly new trait gained when Steven fuses with one of the CGs.)

I think this might be setting up for a pleasant surprise on a first-meeting with Smokey. =3

There are other points where it seems like she missed something important - for example, there's no sign of the moon during Pearl's most famous song... or anywhere else in Mr. Greg.

I've also yet to see the moon any time when the other Diamonds were on Earth.  (Though it does show up after they've already left...)

And... well, while the sky is pink through much of the movie, I think that's caused by the injector, not the moon-prisoner.  The only time you see the moon during the *actual story* is during Independent Together.  (Plus one of halo'd stars that I think could also be important.)

So... depending on where her focus was, the prisoner may, or may not, have noticed Spinel.

...And even if she did, she probably hasn't seen Spinel's newer form.

(It also shows during Steven's recap - one place where it seems like she might be watching proudly. =3)

(...Come to look, it really looks like the rings of light coming off the moon are focused toward Steven, too. 83)

I think it's also possible that the moon disappearing could mean that the prisoner's stopped watching.  For example, while the moon was clearly above the communications hub near the end of Cry For Help, it disappears when Sugilite knocks it down.

I also realized while gathering screenies that the moon isn't found in Sadie's Song after Barb goes to get more glitter.  (I'd previously assumed that Pink was watching all the way through, but now I'm not so certain.)

Granted, it's possible that both these cases were meant to declutter...  I certainly don’t think that just because the moon is missing in a specific shot means that the prisoner isn’t watching at that very second.  For example, there are a number of moonless shots in The Question that come in-between shots with the moon.

(In general, I believe that if the moon shows up outside, before an important scene inside, then it means that she’s watching throughout the indoor scene - possibly throughout the whole ep, even.)

It's also possible that, since they actually were keeping track of the moon's position in Sadie's song, it just didn't show after the glitter-run because the camera never faces toward it.  Still, it did seem like they fudged its location when they showed the empty stage, so that seems like a stretch.

Though now, I'm thinking there's a really good possibility that, since they both looked like they were leading toward trainwrecks (even if it was only the case one of those times), she couldn't bring herself to watch. =D;

Maybe she has even more trouble with anxiety than I realized...

The Moon is in the Openings

So I couldn't find any sign of the moon in the first two eps of SU:F, but you can see it in the opening.

((SIde note: I really love when Peridot is doing cute stuff. =3))

The moon has always been in the SU openings - you can find pink sunsets in them, too (though not the one for SU:F) - it's one reason why the moon and the sky seem so important to the story, to me. =3

EDIT: It took me awhile to notice, but you can also find some pink sky in the SU:F opening! =D

It’s just mixed in with a blue sky, during the day, instead of a sunset, which usually has orange.

(The way I read it, I guess you could say that Pink was part of the group shot, too. =3  Anyway...)

I find it kind of odd that the moon only shows up for Amethyst in the first intro... though I guess it makes sense that it'd at least show for one of Pink's Gems. XD;

EDIT2: Oh!  And not only is there pink sky during the songs, but you can sometimes find it during the ep title. =3

But yeah, this is another one of those places where it seems to me like Pink's offering support, following Steven's adventures.  In a way, it kind of feels to me like she's always been a part of those adventures - or at least, like she wanted to be. 3′=

[ruinmylifc]

[ muse #1 ] ●● is that cillian murphy? no, that’s just dante armstrong, the 45 year old cismale who is a 𝐅𝐁𝐈 𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐓. some say they’re self-destructive & unpredictable, but their family and friends will swear they’re efficient & candid. when i think of them, i think of at least sleepless nights, bullet proof vests, movie nights with the family, confidential case files, last minute therapy sessions, hidden gun holsters, sunday night roasts, clean shaves. i wonder if his family knows that 𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐔𝐅𝐅𝐄𝐑𝐒 𝐅𝐑𝐎𝐌 𝐀 𝐁𝐑𝐀𝐈𝐍 𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐄𝐑. ●●

yeah, i did another thing and this one is gonna stick bc well... if you look under the cut i have given you all of dante and myself so i apologise for the length but it just flew out of me. i haven’t even put any wanted connections bc that would make it 10x longer. just love me and i will love you all the same.

trigger warnings: medical terminology, chronic illness, hospitals, vomiting mention.

i’m proud to present dante sean armstrong, eldest son of eris dorothy (nee may) and basil wayne armstrong. his sister was born two years later and then came his younger brother another three years after. 

his childhood wasn’t exactly rainbows and glorious days of splendor, but it wasn’t horrendous either. their family lived on a property in the countryside and owned some animals. farm work and chores were to be done every day as well as keeping up with their school work.

both of his parents were strict and enforced a lot of rules and there were to be no questions asked. they hounded into the three of them the importance of working hard and providing for the family and that’s stuck with dante. he wasn’t allowed to get away with the things some of the kids these days do ( eyes at all you rebel lil shits ) and dare he disrespect his parents, he’d be punished for it. 

UPDATED NOV 24: with that being said, his parents didn’t show their love physically but they showed it in a lot of other ways. long holidays to the beach, constantly spending time together on the lake, picnics, going to sporting events when they could, traveling sometimes, card game nights. spending quality time together was their way of showing love. to this day, that is still how they show their children their love. 

dante is incredibly intelligent ( unlike myself so i’m sorry pls bare with me ) and that could be seen from day dot. he was hitting milestones before the average child was and his parents saw potential in him. they pushed him harder than his siblings, with school work and work on the property. basil originally wanted dante to take over the property but once he hit high school, he knew there was no way he was going to be able to keep this boy there. 

he graduated high school top of his class with a full scholarship to boston uni for law, so he packed his bags and he was off. he only saw his family at major holidays whilst he was at college as he put his head down, bum up and studied hard with a job on the side. 

with that being said he played as hard as he worked and knows how to have fun, so he says anyway. when the armstrong wife comes along we will plot when they met and we will go from there but aside from that! he was a bit of a player, enjoying the attention and action if you catch my drift. 

UPDATED NOV 24: cue graduating college, moving to ashcroft in his early twenties and he went to work in the force for two-ish years until he was qualified, fit enough and had the experience to apply for the fbi as a special agent. blood, sweat and tears went into this passion of his and lord behold, he got in. it’s fair to say that dante should be married to his job, bc he honestly loves it so much and worked so hard to get in. it’s a bit sad. that’s where he’s been since his mid twenties. cue actual marriage and along came their first child.

UPDATED NOV 24: the main goal in his life when children started coming into the picture was to go out everyday and protect his family, no matter the cost. if he worked a 80 hour week to solve a case or to lock up criminals, then so be it. that was more people who cold potentially hurt his family behind bars.

dante is a family man as much as he can be, but he finds it hard to separate work and home as they both mean so much to him. so yes, he is a workaholic and the things he has seen through the years as brought him night terrors but he loves his family to death. anyone touches them and he will go wild.

ADDED NOV 24: dante is one of those parents that has always said it how it is, not wanting to lie (to a certain extent) to them or shielding them from the dangers of the real world. he is a softy especially in times when his family are upset, things are happening, appts needed, etc, but he shows a lot of tough love. before he joined the fbi and the kids were little, he was as soft as one could be but with the trials of his line of work, he had to learn to be tough. that unfortunately comes home with him, like his work.

ADDED NOV 24: if there is a problem, dante wants ppl to tell him about it straight away and not cut out minor details. he needs to know everything and as soon as possible so he can help, can work it out whether that be work, social life, family, etc. he is v unpredictable with his response too so one day if someone doesn’t come to him abt something for a long time, he could be rather tame and just move on with it. on another day, he could go off his rocker. you can’t really pick it esp when he comes across as being cold. (he’s not!! he is really warm with those he trusts and loves i SWEAR)

dante not long had become a supervisory special agent when mateo’s case came up. dante found himself being emotionally drawn to mateo and the situation at hand, having always struggled with not letting things get personal. so he offered him protection, took him in and opened up his home for him. of course, keeping him around is detrimental to the case and there’s no way he will be letting him go any time soon, but dante cannot help but feel protective over him. he is putting his family at risk by bringing him in but he doesn’t regret it and is more determined to resolve the case. 

UPDATED NOV 24: emilio is now caught and dante is suspended for using his weapon. now begins the process of gather evidence, trials, etc. 

personality. 

he is completely unpredictable ; you may think he’ll react to a situation one way but will completely go the opposite. he says things that would be unexpected from him and he keeps shit real. he won’t sit there and talk abt the world being a wonderful place bc he will laugh in your face and tell you to fuck off to fairyland. he’s seen too much shit and done too much shit to know that life is not a movie.

he can come across as cold but he just doesn’t like to talk if he has nothing to say and he has a resting bitch face, sorry. 

UPDATED NOV 24: it can take a lot to anger dante but when he gets angry, oh you know about it. he’ll yell and throw things and throw a tantrum if it’s really bad but most of the time, he tries to keep quite calm. if it involves his family getting hurt, he’ll get violent, period. no one touches his family. 

THIS: as much as he keeps a guard up due to his job and is a somewhat strict parent and whatnot, he is a sweetheart. he’ll make his kids breakfast in bed on the weekends and would come in and kiss their heads when he’d come home from work and he’d be the one setting up easter egg hunts and is MUCH more affection than his own parents. his family’s happiness brings him happiness and they’re really the only people that see him smile often. also, he won’t go to work without telling them all he loves them. always. even if they’re sick of it.

UPDATED NOV 24: also, he beats himself up and is normally the one that tears himself down to shit. once he has his mind set in a bad way, he’ll tear himself to pieces and he really is his own worst enemy. and it’s bad. like, he beats himself up about everything and even won’t sleep at night over little things like having a fight with the kids, or not filling in paperwork right, or not speaking to his wife one night bc he is just too Stressed. v much is not okay

ADDED NOV 24: bc of this he tends to push ppl away, very badly too. he doesn’t think abt himself often and just wants to make those he loves happy, but he just??? can’t sometimes??? and i think that can be so frustrating

bonus point ; he is a very passionate lover!

secret.

in terms of his secret!! when he was in his final year of college, dante was mucking around with a group of friends throwing a football and tackling one another in between lectures. he had run backward off of the grass onto the path to catch the football and one of the guys ran and tackled him, knocking him to the ground with a very nasty blow to the head.

knocked out cold, dante was taken to the hospital were he had a severe concussion but there was no bleeding in or around the brain. 

after this he became violently ill ; he knew that concussion caused disorientation but this was weeks, even a couple months after the incident and he was still having trouble. he suffered from severe headaches, vomiting, eyesight troubles and even his personality changed. 

dante knew he wasn’t okay so he went to a couple doctors, had a bunch of neurological tests, ct and mri scans and he was then diagnosed with non-communicating acquired hydrocephalus. basically, the blow to his head caused one of the ventricles in his brain to block which restricted the flow of csf ( cerebrospinal fluid ).

with that, a shunt was surgically inserted in his brain to drain the excess fluid to other parts of his body and he has lived his life with this as his own personal secret. he hasn’t told his wife or children and his siblings and parents are the only ones who know ( bc they were by his side ofc ). 

UPDATED NOV 24: he’s had regular check ups every so many years and as of lately, the shunt has started to play up and he’s suffering from headaches for a while now. will he do anything abt it? probs not. there has been too much going on for him to even think about himself. 

[nightingveilxo]

The Film “Stay” and How it Brings Things in Sherlock Together

Right after TFP aired, I did this short meta about how the deaths and accidents in Sherrinford looked staged, and by that I mean they had too little blood, angles were wrong, etc. I was annoyed, because I started off the episode aware that Eurus’s eyes were the wrong color; not the contact lens issue, I mean the little actress playing Eurus had brown eyes while adult Eurus was revealed to have blue, which didn’t make sense. Unless something else was wrong, like little Eurus suddenly appearing in 221B, and the trio suddenly appearing on the beach (as mentioned in TLD), outside the old Holmes residence.

In March, I was working on meta about repeating events, and how to work through things or stage them to look a certain way. It narrowed down to the editing, lighting, and directing choices--throwing in many film, tv, and lit references, in order to create possibly two seasons of content. I say possibly, because I watched S4, hoping it would explain things that still made no sense in S3 (wrong dates, Sherlock taking over the blog, and repeating things off the blog). It just got stranger in S4, and I still don’t know if we’re going to end up back in the aftermath of TRF or HLV. I will say though, that if you follow the plot, flickering lights, disappearing people and objects, staging, camera, and directing choices in Stay, S4 of Sherlock will make a lot more sense. I didn’t know that many people when I did my original meta, and wasn’t aware people hadn’t seen Stay. I was glad it seemed to help a few people.

The image at the top if from the film Stay. It says Forgive Me over and over again, because Henry (Sherlock) not THoB Henry Knight, but that works too, because he also lost his parents in a traumatic event, writes it about his guilt over those deaths. Henry Knight was also a Sherlock mirror, and it’s possible that it was his parents that died in a traumatic way (based on evidence in TEH that I’ve already covered), causing the rift between Sherlock and Mycroft (or possibly their father having an affair). Henry’s been suicidal for quite some time, and the whole of Stay revolves around his traumatized brain trying to make sense of things in his last minutes alive. Compare that with the note John receives, because some of us contemplated that it was actually meant to represent the note Sherlock didn’t leave in TRF. “Ordinary” is also what John says about Sherlock’s parents in TEH, and it’s the word Mary uses about having a life with John.

Note the line from Stay about suicide. Naomi Watts’ character is speaking to Sam (John), a plaid-and jumper wearing, bicycle-riding therapist who was standing in for Henry’s regular therapist or so it appears. She’s tried suicide before, and she’s quoting Henry’s favorite artist, who also took his own life. It’s important to note that Lila tells Sam (John) he can’t understand being in the kind of pain that she knew, and that Henry seems to be experiencing. It’s the same sort of idea that many of us have had about how John treats Sherlock in S3 and 4, without having been in his shoes. Lila does mention how there is too much beauty in the world to end things, though...

Compare this with Sherlock in TLD, speaking from his own experience with taking his life in TRF.

(Part of this is a direct quote from ACD canon The Veiled Lodger--)

Sherlock: Your life is not your own.  Keep your hands off it, do you hear me?

Sherlock: “Taking your own life.”  Interesting expression.  Taking it from who?  Oh, once it’s over, it’s not you who’ll miss it. (Resting one hand on the railing, he looks westwards along the river towards the London Aquarium.  In a brief cut-away, a pistol fires towards the camera, then there’s a brief shot of the exterior of the Aquarium as the gunshot echoes and then smoke rises from the end of the pistol.   Sherlock now has both hands on the railing as he continues to gaze along the river.) Sherlock: Your own death is something that happens to everybody else. (Faith has looked in the direction he’s looking but now turns to face him again.  He lowers his head, his back to her.) Sherlock: Your life is not your own.  (His voice becomes strained.)  Keep your hands off it. (As he looks down, it’s as if he and the railing are suspended in mid-air with no ground or river below them.  His feet are not touching anything.) ( x )

This is important, because all the events that actually happened in Stay, take place on the Brooklyn Bridge.

Henry is in hell. Sherlock: I’m burning up. (See more below). Mary: Sherlock, go to hell. Mycroft: I can give you a map reference for hell. ER number 999 becomes 666.

We also have The Burning Child (a story told by Freud, who was brought up in TAB and all of S4), which is told by Henry’s father. It’s repeated, just like The Merchant story is in S4 of Sherlock. In Henry’s case, the father is manifesting as blind, because he possibly never took notice of his son or his art. Remember the idea that was going around for awhile that John had been shot in the eye, and was blind? It’s also why I sometimes refer to people (esp Mary in S4) as manifestations, thoughtforms or compilations of various people.

It goes with this, where characters Athena and Lila are morphing, because Henry’s mind is becoming more and more unstable.

This is what Athena actually looks like, and she’s practicing Hamlet (Henry Letham anagram--we know Mycroft loves those), a play about contemplating death.

Here’s our Athena/Anthea, who is associated with marriage.

This is in Magnussen’s MP (which also looks like Mycroft’s theatre).

The number 21 comes up four times in this film, because that’s how old Henry was going to be when he committed suicide, but he fell in love with Athena. In one instance, it looks like 2121. 221B anyone?

The original meta I did associated with Stay. The rest of these images will make more sense if you view it, but I didn’t want to make this meta too long.

Henry in Sam’s office. Yes, the couch and bookshelf look like Sherlock’s chair.

The glass sphere theme, like the one Arwel bought for S4.

Twins and triplets everywhere.

Leon, Henry’s dad, and Sam playing chess. Sam also has giant chess pieces on his office desk.

Henry’s mother and Mary in T6T. Henry’s mom and Henry both have this bleeding head issue, because Henry hit his head during the car wreck. The injury is very much like the one when Sherlock goes off the roof in TRF, which is another reason why I can’t definitively say that things started getting weird in HLV.

The aquarium (although that is also from The Lady of Shanghai, as are the multiple mirror reflections in HLV)

Stairs like in Magnussen’s place.

Olive, Henry’s dog who was put down years ago, just like Redbeard was.

Empty fridge, like Mycroft’s.

MRI scans in a not-quite medical facility, similar to in Sherrinford.

When Henry visits a strip club, these scenes begin to show up on the screen behind the dancer, although the burning effect that happens when Mycroft watches his film is also referencing the film “Sinister”.

I’m going to end this here, because you really should watch Stay for yourselves. This link will bring you to it on YouTube. I’m working on two other meta for Naomi Watts films that factor into Sherlock, but you should also read

@may-shepard The Ring meta, because it’s amazing, and a second one by

@swimmingfeelsinajohnlockianpool that filled in some more information. I’ll be interested to see if we end up with a seven days scenario, since weeks = years.

More links and tags under the cut...

Lit, Film, and TV References Master Post: ( x )

*EMP/Unreliable Narrator/Alibi/Editing All Give Sherlock His Audience ( x ) (Part II of Justifying John Watson)

Justifying John Watson/Johnlock as a Player in the Drama ( x )

Time Is a Leveller & We Get Six Napoleons ( x )

*Magnussen’s MP is Mycroft’s Home Theatre ( x )

A Happy Ending or Mycroft Has Been An Idiot ( x )

Lestrade Has Been Helping All Along (Whether He Knows It or Not) ( x )

Sherlock and John Become a Unit/Couple in TLD (Or it’s their memory of doing so—TD12?) (x)

*Stories Making TEH Unreliable ( x )

More Internal Editing in S4 ( x )

In T6T, Sherlock Becomes Left-Handed and John Becomes Right-Handed, But Only When Lestrade is Present ( x )

Ajay in a Memory of Nuclear Codes ( x )

Sherlock and John Became a Couple in TLD ( x ) Part I

Sherlock Became Captain Watson’s Soldier in S4 ( x ) Part II

Stag Night Results in Culverton’s Hospital and the Morgue Scene ( x )

Eurus in Mycroft’s Home Movie Transition ( x )

@monikakrasnorada @mrskolesouniverse @ebaeschnbliah @gosherlocked @devoursjohnlock @sarahthecoat @loveismyrevolution @kateis-cakeis @holmesianscholar @sherlockshadow @tendergingergirl @sherlockians-get-bored @posh-boy-clever-boy @princesse-des-lucioles @fellshish @iris-wallpaper @antisocial-otaku @love-in-mind-palace @darlingtonsubstitution

[isthespiceoflife]

Summer - rain or shine!

This year’s 5th annual 51st State Festival boasts a line-up only a true music head could’ve curated. Not surprised this takes place in London (@Trent Park). Join the fun, Aug. 3!

Mark (Ronson) x Q-Tip (The Abstract)? You’ve got to RSVP n’ not miss this one baby! Guaranteed. good. music.

OK, sure I didn’t go YET, but I’m def going before summer’s over. Don’t let me have to tell how it WAS. Plus, for FREE “First Saturday’s”, you’ve got no excuse.

Hey, here’s a proven combo in Freddie Gibbs x Madlb for their latest, Bandana LP. Peep their “Crime Pays” video here. 

Upcoming Tour Dates: 6/25  - Los Angeles, CA @ The Roxy

6/27 - Los Angeles, CA @ The Roxy

7/6 - New York, NY @ MoMA PS1 Warm Up

7/20 - Chicago, IL @ Pitchfork Music Festival^

8/16 - Orpund, Switzerland @ Royal Arena Festival

8/17 - Portugal @ Paredes De Coura Festival

8/31-91 - Philadelphia, PA @ Made in America Festival

8/25 - London, UK @ Maiden Voyage Festival (DJ Set)* *= Madlib performance || ^= Freddie Gibbs performance

Half the battle’s done by this show just being @Hollywood Bowl! Plus, Leon’s the truth across the room world, n’ if you’ve never heard of Rhye, bring a date (pun intended) on July 5, they’ll get OPEN.

Reggae on the Boardwalk at Coney Island launched on Sunday, June 9. Peep their page to get more info, but there’s only a few selective dates to blaze up di fya near the ocean. It’s a roots ‘ting, ya nah go get it! And don’t forget: Wu 6/16!

June 22-23, join SHAPE in Los Angeles, to hear n’ be a part of discussions on the future of entertainment n’ filmmaking, w/5G being the focus. Here are your speakers.

Don’t forget, the “Women’s World Cup 2019″ is on, n’ some of these gals are kicking ass more than a ball! Full schedule here.

RSVP to be a part of this “Colors of Progress” evening (food, cocktails, etc), where on June 27 @Alley in NYC from 6:30-9p, a panel discussion will outline the future of LGBT issues, worldwide.

Every Friday @The Met, in NYC of course -- explore the rooftop, the exhibits, music, art n’... if you’re into vogueing -- yes vogueing, June 11 (Tuesday), there’s that too!

La Luna 2019 baby! This Sat, border of Queens/Brooklyn @Knockdown Center, from 4p-4a. It’s going to be an experience for your eyes, of course our ears n’ best believe, some noses - hint . sniff . hint LOL!

When the workload’s just getting to ya...ditch it! Just don’t get caught, on ya...uh..ummm.. “lunch-break” for this Ditch Day Party - RSVP for secret location, June 28.

The exhibit “Brave New Views” is the tasteful clash of art and music, so join the opening party (in LA on Fri, July 19 @HVW8 Gallery) by clicking to RSVP!

Well, for this year’s “Grace Jamaican Jerk Festival” you might be overwhelmed by the number of jerk chefs/outlets on this Sunday, July 21st (heatwave postponed!) in NYC. Keep an eye out for “Kingston Grill” (+ of course, “Peppa’s”), but that’s for jerk chicken only! When it comes to ‘festival’ -- “Yogi’s Restaurant” n’ don’t pass up the mac n’ cheese from, “Chef Elvis”! Music for this year’s line-up includes Bunji Garlin, Capelton, Christopher Martin, Fay-Ann Lyons, n’ Sheensea!

SummerStage took flight last week, but don’t worry -- you’ve got ‘til October to catch one of their FREE concerts/shows, like this family-friendly, “Youth Matinee” one above: FELA! The Concert @Rumsey Playfield, Central Park (July 31) from 11a ‘til 12noon. June 11 (see below) is Kes The Band n’ others, which will be as lit on a Tuesday (bring ya cooler!) you’ll ever remember being!

As well as on Sun, July 28 (@Playstation Theater) they’re back! in NYC, this time NOT free boi!

Can’t believe you’ve never heard of Omar Apollo? He’s “So Good” best believe! Traveling anytime soon? Catch him outside the States, to see him LIVE (tour dates below).

6/12 - Oslo, Norway @ BIA

6/13 - Copenhagen, Denmark @ Huset-KBH

6/14 - Berlin, Germany @ Badehaus

6/16 - Cologne, Germany @ Yuca

6/18 - London, UK @ Village Underground

6/20 - Barcelona, Spain @ Sidecar

6/21 - Madrid, Spain @ Sala El Sol

6/22 - Ourense, Spain @ Cafe & Pop Torgal

6/24 - Paris, France @ Le Pop-Up du Label

6/25 - Amsterdam, Netherlands @ Cinetol

6/26 - Brussels, Belgium @ La Machine

8/1 - Chicago, IL @ Lollapalooza

BRIC presents: Protoje, Jah9 + MORE on Thurs, June 27 @Prospect Park Bandshell. Showtime is 7:30p, but if U know anything about these FREE NYC shows in the park during summer -- esp. for reggae’s feature night, the lines get loooooong! So keep in mind, gates open @6:30p. Plus, there’s ‘yoga on dub’ so bring those yoga mats! On Weds, as a warm-up to this big headliner show on Thurs, Protege’s teaming-up with NYC collective, Everyday People n’ giving a sneak (private) preview of his In.Digg.Nation Collective camp of artists -- Sevana + Lila Iké, including himself. Intimately. Somewhere in NYC, shhhh...

Rosario Dawson & Abrima Erwiah invite you to celebrate the launch of “Style Kingdom” -- a new collaboration with Bloomingdale's. Friday July 19, cocktails 6-8p w/music by DJ Uproot Andy + light bites by African Chop House (exclusive live performance). Where? The Carousel on 1 @Bloomingdale's 59th St, NY.

This is gonna be HUGE, even if you don’t like working-out! It’s a Fitness Festival, by Properl Co:Labs. Try it!

Or, not LOL! Working out that is, to some stellar performers such as Ciara, Charli XCX, Lucy Hale, Chromeo (live DJ set) and more! Santa Monica “Barker Hanger”, July 20-21. No, it’s not FREE. But wait, there’s more LOL! Go to WWW.PROPELCOLABS.COM chose the day you want to come then type in TBCLG100 under the GA tickets at checkout - VIP Passes!

After one listen to “Angel” you might wanna catch this cat, FINNEAS even if it’s just to witness him singing it LIVE (see dates below):

NORTH AMERICAN TOUR DATES: 07/06 – Summerfest – Milwaukee, WI 07/21 – Diplo’s Mad Decent Block Party Festival – Foxborough, MA 10/04 – 10/06 – Austin City Limits Music Festival – Austin, TX

What a perfect excuse to leave NYC n’ head out to the Hampton’s for 4th of July weekend -- by visiting a HUGE 50K sq. ft pavilion for the “Market Art + Design” opening @Bridgehampton Museum, Friday July 5-7 (open to the public on Saturday)! Here’s a preview...

Smino drops his sophomore LP, NOIR. There’s some fire in there, for sure. But you can always catch him LIVE too, see below.

7/20 - New York, NY @MoMA PS1 + 8/3 - Chicago, IL @Lollapalooza

Quantic’s (DJ) dates below w/Bonobo, as he drops his single n’ same titled LP, Atlantic Oscillations.

07/06 – Chicago, IL @ Lakefront Green ^ 08/02 – Denver, CO @ Air & Space Museum ^ 08/03 – San Francisco, CA @ The Midway ^ 08/17 – Brooklyn, NY @ Avant Gardner ^

If U think Calypso Rose was trouble on the stage @coachella this year past in April, don’t miss the living legend, Mighty Sparrow, Friday (July 5) from 7-9p in Queens, NY @Springfield Park. 

Say no more right? In the L.E.S., as part of the “Essex Market” takeover of lower Manhattan! RSVP to indulge if U will...and did U know this month (June) was designated “NYC Music Month”? Everything’s FREE, except for the MTA’s fare that’s probably raising!

Don’t miss these legends -- yes, without these cats, a lot of megastars out of Cali would’ve never been inspired. Long Beach Dub Allstars hit Brooklyn Bowl in BK, on Sat, July 27 w/The Aggrolites + Mike Pinto. Ska in ya...

With the 30th anniversary of Spike Lee’s “Do The Right Thing” showing @BAM from June 28-July 4, your fav Spike movie deserves a celebration.  

In BK, on July 28 there’s a man who knows how to rock the mic -- intelligently at that, swooping down @99 Scott Ave. There’s even more BBQ-type outdoor vibes before (June 16, Father’s Day!) in the same space, w/Biz Markie, Danny Krivit n’ more...but bro, Jay Electronica has the gift of gab!

“Step Up” - an ICI Benefit event (July 13 in LA @Clarence Studio), so yo -- no freebee here, but for a great cause, spend $ to eat some delish yardie food from 6-8p, then tunes from FOUR selectors/musical entities (8p-12a)!

Homegirl KOFFEE’s blowing TF up! Peep her Upcoming Tour Dates below! 6/26 - Antwerp, Belgium @ Olt Rivierenhof

6/28 - Dortmund, Germany @ Junkyard

6/29 - Paris, France @ La Maroquinerie

7/2 - Geneve, Switzerland @ L'Usine

7/3 - Padova, Italy @ Sherwood Festival

7/5 - Koln, Germany @ Summerjam Festival

7/6 - Roskilde, Denmark @ Roskilde Festival

7/7 - Berlin, Germany @ Yaam

7/10 - Karmar, Sweden @ Öland Roots

7/12 - Dour, Belgium @ Dour Festival

7/13 - Zurich, Switzerland @ Rote Fabrik

7/14 - Burtenbach, Germany @ Sunrise Regge & Ska Festival

8/4 - Montreal, QC @ Osheaga Festival

9/12 - New York, NY @ The Gramercy

9/13 - Brooklyn, NY @ Brooklyn Steel

Key Upcoming GoldLink Tour Dates: 8/24 - Brooklyn, NY @AFROPUNK

9/12 - New York, NY @Madison Square Garden*^

9/29 - Miami, FL @AmericanAirlines Arena*^

10/7 - Morrison, CO @Red Rocks Amphitheatre*+

*w/ Tyler, The Creator || ^w/ Jaden Smith || +w/ Blood Orange

Peep the dates above, watch the video below -- a British lad’s coming to your city n’ you’ve gots to go! UK’s AJ Tracey isn’t trying to win U over, in Europe he’s already won, so it’s just a matter of time...

Not m/any other African artists outshine or build anticipation more than Burna Boy, n’ w/his “African Giant Tour” ongoing, in support of his upcoming new LP, same title.

So you’ll def wanna see why (two dates in Brooklyn - 7/19 @Prospect Park Bandshell for “BRIC’s Bud Light Music Series” + 8/10 @Coney Island Amphitheater for “Interswitch One Africa Music Fest”)! Check out his latest “Anybody” video further below. 

[lizzybeth1986]

Penelope and Portavira: Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea

(This is a mini essay and an off-shoot of this week's Quick Thoughts, because I didn't have a lot of space left in the previous post. So it became its own essay!)

Given what we know about Penelope’s family, home and background, I want to go back to two of her biggest moments in the books - gaining her “alliance” at the Beach Party (Book 1 Chapter 10), and confessing she helped set the MC up (Book 2 Chapter 8).

The Regatta and the Beach Party

(All screenshots except Book 3’s taken from Abhirio’s YouTube channel)

It is Maxwell - our guide in getting us alliances in Book 1 - who notices how upset Penelope is, and alerts the MC to the opportunity in front of her. The opportunity to catch hold of another ally who can speak up in support of her at court. The conversation starts out with a crying Penelope being very dismissive of the MC - at this point neither woman really knows the other - and the MC using that as a way to offer her hand in friendship, if she chooses the right options. When urged to open up about what is troubling her, Penelope speaks at length of not being prepared enough, or knowledgeable enough, to succeed.

What strikes me as really interesting is her seasickness post the boat race. This is someone who comes from a coastal area, and who would have been expected to feel at home in a sunny beach, and while sailing in the water. Did the Regatta act as a breaking point for her, given that it’s the only time we see her cry in Book 1?

She hasn’t been prepared at all for any of the activities in the social season. She tells us that her advisors only mentioned looking beautiful, attracting the Prince and dancing in balls, but here she is meant to show a variety of skills to be seen as good competition. She hasn’t fared well so far, and she isn’t even sure she will be welcomed back in court once the social season ends. And while Landon may take it in his stride, it might cause a lot of stress for Emmeline. It is possible that Emmeline is a huge part of the reason why Penelope is staying.

The Regatta was supposed to be a familiar thing given the geography of her estate, I wouldn’t be surprised if her feelings of failure, and of her mother’s disappointment, became even more pronounced as this point.

There is also a chance that Bastien may have approached Penelope any time between that day and the week they left for Applewood (the text specifies that there is a “couple of weeks” gap between the beach party and the Apple Blossom festival), therefore we must presume that while she felt a sense of momentary calm with the MC’s words, it wasn’t enough to drive away her fears if Constantine, through Bastien, was able to get her to do their bidding.

At this point, the MC is only beginning to be seen as a force to be reckoned with, only beginning to gain a foothold in court. Penelope has no way of knowing whether the MC will win the competition or not, and there is more certainty in Bastien’s proposition, which definitely comes from someone more powerful. Given her fear that she will not have place in court, the possible pressure esp for Emmeline and her isolation in the absence of her support animals, I would imagine she’d be in a vulnerable enough position to actually consider this horrible offer.

(Where it gets very problematic for me is how Penelope is written afterwards. If you view her comments of support in the light of someone who knows what will/has happened to the MC, it sounds extremely discomfiting. I’m not sure if she was written to sound like a great liar [I kind of doubt it given her current characterization] or whether the team decided to make her part of the conspiracy later on. Either way, her comments post Applewood take on a darker tone when you take into account her role in the scandal).

Another moment that stands out in the MC’s conversation with Penelope is when she rescues her from a sand crab. Penelope is grateful to the MC for this, and the MC (seems to) convince her that she does have what it takes to survive.

Lancelin St Claire Fashion Show

We learn A LOT about Penelope in this chapter. We find out that she suffers from social anxiety, that she has poodles as Emotional Support Animals. We also know that Madeleine, in addition to treating her like a servant, doesn’t allow her to bring her animals along and berates Penelope whenever she even mentions them in Madeleine’s earshot. We see Penelope forget to bring along her donation cheque for the fundraiser, and be termed a disappointment. We know that she is the courtly lady responsible both for sending Tariq to our room and making the payment for the pictures, under the promise that she would be allowed to stay back in court if she worked against the MC. We confront her and find out that Bastien had a major hand in the scandal.

But certain questions still remain: why would we learn about Penelope’s anxiety now? From a narrative standpoint, yes, it makes sense, but why would Penelope herself bring it up so suddenly? (esp since in Capri she was only willing to admit that she was uncomfortable around crowds). What made Penelope, a woman who doesn’t even like being in court, want to stay??

To answer this question we need to look at what this chapter doesn’t tell us:

1. That the fundraiser is an event meant to raise money for her home. The earthquake + floods seem to be a recent event, going by Liam’s comment on crises in his diamond scene. Long after the tour is over, and sometime after the attack at Homecoming, Portavira is still struggling to find stability and get back to normal, so the initial few weeks must have been terrifying.

2. That her mother is a fierce advocate for Stand for Portavira no matter what, and that’s bound to influence some of Penelope’s own actions even if she doesn’t exactly see eye-to-eye with her mother’s views. Emmeline was focused enough on Portavira’s advancement that she would risk sending her daughter to the royal palace without her support animals - and it’s heavily implied in Penelope’s diamond scene that Emmeline doesn’t understand what it’s like for her daughter to deal with this mental health condition in a strange place without any support.

Penelope’s home is now in a state of crisis - extreme enough that the estate isn’t able to find enough seafood to serve their guests months later, their fishing industry has taken a terrible hit, and Penelope’s parents are reluctant to even leave the estate. She is also the only representative from Portavira in this engagement tour, and I’m pretty sure her mother’s - and indeed her people’s - expectations especially are weighing heavily on her. This puts quite a few things she says and does into perspective:

1. The intensity of her sadness at not having her poodles with her. Because right now she knows how unsafe her own estate is and it’s possible she would not just miss them but be worried about them, and her family. She has always talked about them, to the point where it becomes a running gig with her, but at this point she would not only be aware that she cannot turn to them for comfort, but that she will worry about them as well.

2. Her joy at being included in the fashion show (if we buy the diamond scene and take up Hana’s advice to include her). In a lot of ways, by representing Cordonia (and Portavira) on an international stage, Penelope gets to feel she has contributed in some way. Including her wins you her trust, and part of this I feel might stem from the fact that she is being given an opportunity to do something more for her family and her people.

3. Her self-hatred when Madeleine berates her for forgetting the cheque. Penelope forgetting her cheque could be either plain forgetfulness (as with her credit card in Italy), or her anxiety acting up - no one knows. But what is clear is how disappointed she is in herself when this happens. She constantly beats herself up for messing this chance up, calls herself “a lost cause” and asks Hana and the MC why they bother talking to her, instead of “ignoring me like everyone else”. Given that this show was meant for her home, the feeling that she is useless and a disappointment would be even more pronounced.

Subsequently, she realises the MC and Hana have discovered her role in the conspiracy, and knows she has to answer to them and own up to what she has done. So the two friendships she managed to make that day, (in her eyes) wind up possibly being ruined by her own deeds, on top of everything else that has happened on that day.

Portavira

Penelope has gone through quite a bit during the engagement tour. Some of it is a result of her own actions, like her role in the conspiracy coming out and the MC’s subsequent responses (which could range from telling her she understands to announcing that “my children’s children will curse your name!”), and some a result of her parents’ decision to send her to the capitol to compete alone in the first place.

By the end of the second book, she has been treated like a servant, has felt isolated and alone and dealt with her mental health condition, has shared with at least two people her struggles with social anxiety, owned up to her role in ruining the MC’s reputation, faced the possibility that she may never find favour with the court, and witnessed her best friend get grievously injured in a terrorist attack.

Most of these reasons factor into her reluctance to return, but her biggest one is having to go through an experience similar to what she faced around Madeleine (as can be seen from her reaction to Madeleine’s appearance at the lunch her parents are hosting, and her shock that the MC will help get her poodles to the palace) and having to face that level of isolation again.

For Penelope, the game changer truly is convincing her that she can handle court life better with her support animals. Once she is convinced of that - no matter what your final option to convince her is - she will grab the opportunity to return with both hands.

Conclusion

All three of the scenes mentioned above are either situatated close to the sea, or have the sea as a contributing factor to the event at hand.

Penelope’s seasickness and subsequent failure at the Regatta push her into a state of fear and desperation, where her policy becomes “any port in a storm” (basically that she will cling on to any way to ensure she stays in court and doesn’t disappoint her parents), and her mental state here is possibly what propels her to agree when Bastien offers her an out, by having her involved in a conspiracy where a fellow suitor is violated on multiple levels. Her confession of the same happens on the very day she participates in a fashion show mean to raise money for disaster relief in her estate. And here, Penelope clings to everything that gives her comfort in the fear that she would be badly treated again, until the MC and her friends reassure her that she - and her poodles - are safe with them.

Looking back, it makes sense that we are shown subtle markers of her home in all her major scenes, and that all of them deal with - on some level - her fears, her loneliness and her deteriorating mental health.