#esp bc she wasnt a bad mom by any means

[queenboimler]

I know I'm getting old because I'm actually furious with Eddie for being this much of a pushover of a parent

What do you MEAN you let your 14 year old son run over 800 miles away and stay there for THREE MONTHS

girl grow a backbone, you are his FATHER, do some fuckin parenting

[fraternum-momentum]

killing stalking ramble belowww

!! tws for mentions of sa/rape, murder, abuse, etc. !!

(REALLY REALLY long, around 2k~ words. just be warned. also tmi in some parts.)

THIS IS NOT AN ANALYSIS !!!!! it def gets analytical in some parts, but i feel like i would need to reread ks a couple of times for me to feel confident enough to do a full blown analysis for it. these are just my thoughts that i want to get out of my head. really rambly for the most part, and separated into sections mostly for my convenience buy also to get my thoughts a little more organized.

what do i think about it?

it's great ! i really love the more thriller-ey aspects of it, esp when seungbae was investigating the whole thing. how he's trying to piece together everything and switching in between pov's was so so cool. love love love how extremely tense everything is, like ooo is he gonna get caught? is he gonna get killed?

ACAB but seungbae is the only police officer i'll salute to 🫡 (bc he's not real LMFAO)(and also he hates the police despite being one so)

season 1 is a great intro and it rlly gets u hooked, rlly went in super hard with the whole torture stuff. came in guns blazing n stuff. rlly rlly intense. the whole thing with jieun is just so sad man,,,,,,, like she was rude and all and she was an kind of an asshole to bum but i don't think she deserves to die over that 😭,,,,

there's also already a lot of foreshadowing and future callbacks planted into it. it makes me wonder how much planning went into the story :0 !! even early on it's pretty clear that sangwoo sees his mum in yoonbum, that's why he kept taking care of him after abusing him. he said ‘i love you’ out of the blue and bum thought he was talking to him and sangwoo replied ‘i was talking to my mom’. i mean, it's literally spelled out by the author in one of the qna's. i will be amazed if u didn't catch that somehow.

anyw season 2 is my fav because of reasons stated above. the tension is rlly great. when seungbae finally trespassed which led to the confrontation at the basement scene to when they were doing the interrogation was rlly rlly good. it shows how competent of a manipulator and a quick thinker sangwoo is. throughout it my heart was beating so fast i was so nervous JQHSHQ

seungbae rlly tried to pull through but unfortunately the people didn't believe him so woo and bum got away SCOT FREE,,,,,,, which caused seungbae to lash out on woo, then got laid off. DUDEEE i was so saddddddd, i mean i saw there were like 40 eps left so i knew he wasnt going to succeed but STILLLL i was cheering for him ykkk?

ep 34.

kinda tmi and i hope to fucking god it's not weird or anything but i can see myself in yoonbum.

LISTEN ok. not like the perverted stalker aspects. more of the whole jwhhr fuckk idk how to describe it without sounding pathetic or whatever but a while ago my brother and i had a talk about being careful with people bc of how bad my whole self esteem is and how easily i would be to manipulate and just how depressing my whole demeanor was or whatever and this scene in ep 34 where yoonbum was being interrogated by seungbae kind of left me a deep impression on me

i've def have asked myself something similar to this, idk maybe had talked to someone abt it when i was drunk as shit. but it i kind of started wondering if i would do that in his position. if i don't get any better, could i end up like him? eeeeeqjdb idkk its something i don't want to dwell on much but it's been at the back of my head ever since. i don't know. it's scary.

season 3 is more focused on characterization and developing the "relationship" between bum and woo. vv sangwoo centric. it deals with his past trauma and how it affected him. seeing how his childhood was initially and then the eventual reveal as to what really was happening in those scenes was so good. kind of shows how you never truly know what's happening behind closed doors. and it shows the extent of the abuse, how unstable his mother was, and how emotionally manipulative she was to sangwoo when he was a kid. then her eventual death in which she managed to gaslight him into thinking he killed her. at least, i think its implied that she drove the knife into her neck. and now, even when she's gone, her presence lingers and haunts him. quite literally too because its eventually revealed that her corpse was INSIDE THE FUCKING HOUSE.

i love how the dynamic turned from a dependency to a codependency. it's like watching a fire slowly spiral out and it becoming an huge shitstorm. it's interesting seeing that sangwoo needs bum too. right after he accidentally called bum 'mom' while they were having sex, that's probably the lowest he's been in, even begging yoonbum to not go and stay with him at home bc he's been so paranoid lately. even now i'm still not sure if bum was actually fucking the girl or if it was all a figment of woo's hallucinations.

there's a lot of particular scenes that i want to dedicate a small paragraph to but i don't want to make this longer that it alr is qkdh they're not anything life changing plus the implications are p clear anyway so,,

ending is insane. at first, i was kind of glad that bum seemed to be healing. like he was getting therapy, there was a person who was taking care of him, seungbae seems to be monitoring him regularly. i mean, he was still paranoid and stuff about being caught as an acomplice but he was fine for the most part. well, at least that was i thought until he started asking where sangwoo was and i kinda went oh no,,,

idkkkkk is it bad that i kind of felt bad for bum when he didn't get to see sangwoo for the last time? i mean, i want him to just move on with everything and heal but it was pretty clear he was still vv attached to woo so idkkkkk?? maybe its just me needing to have some closure or something? i was so sad that yoonbum didn't even get the chance to be truly happy in his life. even in his happiest moments with sangwoo, it was all just a skewed perception of love.

yk even if seungbae didn't go to woo's house one last time for that final confrontation, i feel like their codependent relationship would go to shit either way. but ahh,,,,,, bum deserved so much better,,,

seungbae my goat 🫡

small part abt him bc he's my fav

seungbae is interesting,,,, bc he def has violent tendencies much like sangwoo. i.e. lashing out at woo, wacking a guy out with a scanner (who, luckily, turned out to be a wanted criminal), hitting the guy who killed his father with a the golf club, dreaming and fantasizing about violently killing that said murderer multiple times, and probably more that i can't remember.. maybe a ‘two sides of the same coin’ kind of situation??? idkk

there's literally a part where seungbae said so himself that he and sangwoo were similar, immediately following it by saying that it was a dangerous thought. i think having a stable figure in his life (chief officer) helped him a lot. if he didn't have him, i feel like he could've easily ended up like sangwoo. all around green flag tho :3

my complicated feelings abt it:

idkkkkkkkkkkkkk like this is a thriller and it depicts a clearly abusive relationship but the fact that it feels so fanservicey to me feels so wrong to me ???????? like shit. i only started reading it bc i thought 'oh wasn't this bl or something? i don't remember lol. but sangwoo was hot, i should go read it' and proceeded to get my ass blasted with this is absolutely insane.

ok i'm gonna be completely honest i've always hated fanservice, so it's a completely biased take from me. like idkk it ruins the vibe of a scene. can't a good show just be a good show without all the panty shots and the weird ass angles?????? like okay, yeah, i literally draw porn but that doesnt mean i want porn/sexual in everything all the time.

like i get it. the sexual aspect of this is a necessary and integral thing. it's clearly there to depict that there's an imbalance of power. how sangwoo being on top feels more in control whereas when he's in a position of submission he gets angry or scared (a trauma response) and it's another aspect of abuse that a lot of characters experienced and it's all shown. but i think my issue is, when its with woo and bum there's like certain part to it where i'm just kinda like,,,,, you know that feeling when you feel like a sex scene in a movie is kind of going on for way too long? and ur just sitting there mildly uncomfortable by it and aughggyvh idkkk its weird,,,,,,, like should i keep watching or is this integral to the story???? am i going to miss any details or something anyone would say ?? and idk???????? like when bum or woo was sa'ed by adults they didn't depict it in such a,,,,,,, romantic?? light???? i'm not sure what to say but i feel like there's a difference in ambience and pacing and shit in a bunch of the scenes esp in season 3 but i guess it's bc they're in a 'relationship' ?????? idkk

in a way i can understand why they would present it like that ??? i'm probably reaching, but maybe it's to directly put the viewer in yoonbum's shoes and kind of see how sangwoo manipulates bum? like we as the viewer become victims ourselves of sangwoo's charms ????? maybe that's why it was psrticularly uncomfortable for me ??????????? dude idk,,,,

but like,, i've played btd/tpof before but i don't seem to have any problems with it, and that's literally torture porn or whatever but for some reason i draw the line at this apparently ????????

and i’ve thought about this really hard bc it was driving me nuts as to what the difference was. but maybe its bc it's kind of romanticizing it ??????????????? tbh i'm still not entirely sure. eh whatever i don't want to make it a big problem.

oh but fray, you draw noncon, dubcon, and gore ! arent you fetishizing it as well ? how is that any different ?

(this part is kind of tmi too) i think there's a fundamental difference between what i'm doing and having a cnc kink and depicting actual sa in a story.

no one is saying sa is not bad. for some people it's how they deal with the trauma they endured and for others its simply just a fantasy. cnc, in a real life setting, both parties are consenting and recognize that it's all just roleplay, if anything is out of the line you can opt out of it with a safeword and it's CRUCIAL that this safe word is respected. in a game like for example, dol, you can manipulate it into however you like. there's also cheats where you can just remove encounters altogether irrc. you're the one in control of the narrative.

i've had rape fantasies before (i play dol, don't be so surprised) but that doesn't mean i want to be fucking assaulted when i go out at night. and idk maybe like in ks it depicts all the gruesome and tragic parts of being abused, whether it be emotionally, sexually, physically, etc. and that's why it feels wrong framing it in that manner ????

idk my views about it aren't completely black and white. dude idfk i'm not an expert in anything. at the end of the day i'm just some random person who read killing stalking and just has some thoughts about it. anyw that's all 👍

[findafight]

i apologize in advance for the loooooong ask lol (and no pressure about replying if u dont wanna haha) but i saw ur post in the billy hargrove tag and thought it was an interesting character analysis! im a billy fan but im inclined to agree with most of what u said, and i think it's also interesting to compare him and max to zuko and azula. one thing i wanted to comment on tho is when u said "He's also just a racist asshole that has all the means to not be one and doesn't use them or ever feel bad about it."

i just wanted to offer an argument for that point, bc we see that billy's been abused since he was a kid and watched his mom be abused before him, and we also see neil throw slurs at billy, so it's not farfetched to believe his dad spouted racist shit around him too. he also still lives with his dad, and we see in their argument before billy goes to fetch max that billy's safety at home can depend largely on agreeing with and repeating what his dad says.

seeing as how his mom left, how susan doesnt stick up for him (doesnt she even avert her eyes when neil backs him up against his wall?), and how other older women seem to objectify and sexualize him, it also seems like he doesnt have any other adult support in his life--especially not at home where he's supposed to be safe. i would say all of that points to him not having *any* means at all to not be racist, esp considering that his safety might depend on whether or not his dad hears the wrong thing about who he (and max, since his dad seems to put the onus of her actions onto billy's shoulders) might be hanging out with.

he's not in an environment to recognize that racism is bad, and in fact i think it's an environment that teaches him by implicit threat that being racist might actually be something that could help him feel safe, if only bc it means his dad wont have one more thing to come after him about. what means does he have to stop being racist, when he doesnt seem to have external adult support? why would he feel bad about being racist when that mindset might offer him some form of safety? considering all that, i think it's actually surprising he doesnt throw any slurs at lucas (im not applauding this, just observing), esp when put together with how billy himself gets called the f-slur by his father. the importance of words and what you choose to say and what not to say, etc etc.

obviously racism is bad, and im not arguing against his actions *being* racist, i just think that saying he has the means to not be racist isnt entirely accurate. it would be like saying azula has the means to be a good sister but she doesnt use them or ever feel bad about it. that would be an unfair statement when considering how both she and zuko were raised to be pitted against each other, and she had something more to lose by being seen as the more powerful/superior/better sibling by their father. furthermore, the only kind adults in her life have left her with her father for various reasons (her mother & iroh). i dont think she had the means to be a better sister/person, nor would she ever have the need to feel bad about it, because she wasnt raised to look for the means or question why she would want them, if she even knew they existed. the same can be said about billy & his racism. i dont think he could even *start* to have those means, let alone use them, until he starts properly healing in a place he feels safe.

idk, just something to think about i guess. i hope this doesnt come off rude, this is meant as genuine discussion. 😅 people tend to look at billy's scene with lucas, pronounce him racist, and call it a day without considering the context he grew up in, and the fact that racism doesnt come from nowhere--it is always, always something you learn. billy literally says this to max: "i'm older than you, and something you *learn* is that there are a certain type of people in this world that you stay away from." sure he mightve just picked up racism from school or society or something, but with the context of his father at home and how aggressive billy gets with lucas in a similar way to how his dad just got aggressive with him, it makes you wonder how billy might have *really* learned that lesson.

anyways, i dont think he has the means to stop being racist all of a sudden, all by himself, and it seems unfair to blame him (from a narrative standpoint; lucas & his friends, however, have every right to go off lol) for something he cant necessarily choose to improve in his life when he's still living with his bigoted abuser. we dont know if he ever feels bad about it or not--we never see it on-screen but things between him and max certainly change enough for her to try desperately to save him in s3 where she's still (sorta-kinda) dating lucas, so i assume there was some kind of calm-down there, plus billy and max's relationship got to a point where max grieved him *so hard* she got targeted by vecna--but he definitely doesnt really have the means to choose not to be racist. i dont think he thinks he *can* choose this, nevermind discussing whether or not he could and chooses not to.

that being said, i do agree about how he didnt really have a proper redemption arc, or any chance at healing at all. sorry again for the long ask; im sending it cuz im genuinely interested in a good faith discussion. you said you didnt necessarily like billy but found his relationship with max interesting, and you said so on a post about healing & redemption. ive always found that billy's healing & redemption are intrinsically tied to his upbringing and his abuse at home, and i find that his racism is an extension of that in a way people dont acknowledge when making their broader points--instead saying that either the people who sympathize with his home life are excusing the racism, or the people who are naysaying his racism are excusing the abuse. theyre tied together, and i found that most of your post looked at billy fairly except for that one point about his racism being something he can choose--like his racism is something separate from his home life--so i thought id just. give it a genuine go. 😅 anyways, hope ur havin a good day!

Hi! So you've got some good points and in that post I didn't really touch on his racism more than the other things because that would be, to me, one of the things easiest for Billy to begin to rectify. Saying he has all the means wasn't correct though because he doesn't, and unlearning bigotry is not an easy thing, especially without support, but not an impossible thing. People can and do change their perspectives or beliefs even in environments where it is punished.

Reading your thoughts I think you are right in that it likely very much is linked to his abuse, in the way his father treats him and Susan's non-action. Him telling max that "you learn" s also interesting and I think does show that Neil encouraged racism and bigotry in general. The only positive interactions with older women he has is grown women sexualizing him, which is unfortunately never examined further in the show, and the only man we only see him interact with is Neil. So. He obviously doesn't have adult support in his life, we don't see him with any teachers but there's only so much they can do too.

However having adult support isn't fully necessary for him to realize his actions were wrong. I think I was sort of looking at how Max has also been in that house with Neil and Billy, and that Billy often does, like you said, emulate Neil or act as an extension of him possibly for his own safety, leading to his abuse of Max and his seeking of power and control in other areas while max pushes against that.

From the flashbacks in S3 showing Billy and max meeting, they look significantly younger, I'd say max was likely eight or so? And Billy about twelve. So Max has been in this situation for possibly about four to six years (considering she consistently calls him her brother, implying she is used to him as her brother not her mom's BF's son), and while we don't know how her mother treated her or allowed her to be treated, it would not be far to say that Max could have also acted and believed the same things as Billy as a form of self preservation like him. But she doesn't? And it could be that her bio dad still influenced her when they were in California, or that Susan did put more effort into protecting Max, or Max's own experiences at school enforcing that Neil was wrong. Idk.

For me, Max threatening Billy into not coming near her friends again could have been a point where he took a long hard look at himself and reevaluated what he was doing. Even without support he could go through that realization, and attempt to be better. He could have realized that max was not his enemy but in fact another frightened and abused kid. That could have been his gateway into breaking the cycle of abuse with max, and we don't see that. Very unfortunate.

And you're right! We don't know what happened between them during the interim of S2/3. For the most part, and I haven't rewatched billy s3 scenes in a while, he seems relatively the same as the start of s2 though. I don't think we ever see them interact until the sauna test and by then Billy is flayed and out of control. So we do not see if any repairs to their relationship were made, or if billy did work to change. I think if he did, the show would have tried to show us that his and Max's relationship was better, even if it was still rocky and that Billy clearly still had some issues(like those with older women). But it did not, and so we are left to assume he didn't change all that much between seasons.

Max has a lot of conflicting feelings for Billy, because she is scared of him but also sees him as her brother. She wants to have a brother she can rely on but doesn't. I don't think her desperately not wanting Billy to be a mind flayer puppet indicates their relationship was better, but that Max does care for him either way. He's her brother, whether or not they get along, and she does not want him to be involved or being manipulated.

When he dies, and max feels guilt for it, I sort of have the opposite interpretation as you. I see her immense guilt and grief from it stemming from the fact that Billy had abused Max, and at some point she likely wished he was gone, out of her life, possibly dead. Because she was a scared abused child. And when he died trying to save her all those feelings of guilt for wishing she never had to see him again compounded with a possible sense of relief that she wouldn't, because now he was gone.

I also think she wanted a positive relationship with him. She wanted to have a brother she could trust, who she didn't want to wish away. So her confusion and relief and guilt for his death are what leave her vulnerable to vecna.

To just touch on billy not saying a slur to Lucas, I am pretty sure it was in the script at some point before being pulled. Possibly because Caleb was young and I thiiiiink it was during the scene he shoves Lucas into the wall, so someone realized doing that combined with calling him a racial slur maybe traumatic especially for a child actor and they cut it.

[just-some-random-blogger]

good day or evening from the mingming<з THIS KITTY is me when you say 28C is cold... 'i dont expect them to' actually i dont too. want some quality time with my catmom. meowmeow. but YOU. youre cruel... but fine i found you so its alright. im not religious so i cant fully understand you but. if it helps you and makes you feel confident, ig its good. bc its true. 'i hate war' true. tbh, 99% of destruction (which includes killing, violence and all) is the ugliest thing and has no right to exist. im so glad youve found your peace at loving yourself. maybe if all people could do it, there wouldnt be so much destruction. thanks for your support TT luv u so much TT 'i can be contrary and always build people up' ig you can. guess you are. you have a very welcoming and supportive image. HAJDHJS i'm glad youre good. no but should i be offended by this dry comparison??.... im not typing it on the phone to insert emojis love no TT 'favorite things FOOOOOD' YEEEEY it already sounds good! oh i love rice too! champorado looks tasty. its really uncommon for me so its reallyreally interesting. do you think we like any warm food bc its cold here?? we literally have okroshka... omg its so intriguing to learn abt things' history?? and mexican stuff? wow sounds surprising to me. like ive said im bad at history.. so yeah its really educational lol. omg you made spain look so cunning and mysterious (: you probably didnt mean it to but sounds so conspiratorially... 'what does poka mean?' bye. you didnt want me to message you so i said bye >:( too many symbols omgomg what speech? hope your hw is alright too... ok its your right to not continue watching. but that poor guy... you abandoned him... 'this was so dry i was like' i tend to sound pretty convincingly so dont worry youre not my only victim. should i call you saint hannah or saint catmom now?... 'I LOVE IT WHEN GIRLS GIVE BOYS FLOWERS' oooh flowers are pretty themselves. i need someone to give me flowers first. then ill think. 'IM SO SORRY I DIDNT MEANT TO CONFUSE YOU' its ok its my revenge for dante. i learnt what it meant. yeah classical literature is a chore but... ive got a classical literature exam... i have no choice.... its pretty sometimes but when youre obliged to read it, esp at school... it wasnt meant for teens guys... ESPECIALLY russian classical literature.... can you tell anything abt filipino literature? 'her dad an ugly rat L' ig its not enough for him. even cunt is not enough for him. hasjsjs this aemond meme TT so true TT and i cant watch the tiktok as its banned in russia but i hope you laugh for me! also abt them! im finally watching official hotd's bts and WOW its so impressive? ig i needed to watch it insted of the series and wouldve been more satisfied. how were your classes? tell me more abt filipino culture please! its interesting! have a nice day/evening/night/life! love you! take care<з

HELLO MUNING <3

me playing the piano HAHAHAHAH

you know my mom is so so so good at playing piano. i am 99.9 percent sure that i got my love for music from her. i always wanted to learn how to play as good as her, and i mean i guess i could always practice but like she's so good that whenever she hears me she gets mad when i get it wrong T_T i means she isnt like that anymore but the trauma is real

THIS KITTY is me when you say 28C is cold...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHA

i meant its not cold but sometimes the air gets kinda cold HAHAHAH

'i dont expect them to' actually i dont too. want some quality time with my catmom. meowmeow. but YOU. youre cruel... but fine i found you so its alright.

quality time time haha ????????? WHY AM I CRUEL THIS TIME T_T

im not religious so i cant fully understand you but. if it helps you and makes you feel confident, ig its good. bc its true.

lol honestly its not that im religious either. i dont have the oppurtunity to go to church but i have a personal relationship with God so thats what that it. its so much easier to believe in God than yourself to be honest. i hope you find your confidence too!

'i hate war' true. tbh, 99% of destruction (which includes killing, violence and all) is the ugliest thing and has no right to exist. im so glad youve found your peace at loving yourself. maybe if all people could do it, there wouldnt be so much destruction.

WAR BOOO TOMATO TOMATO TOMATO 🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅 war ugly L EW 👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎 im glad ive found my peace too. its a constant process and progress though. it fluctuates. sometimes i love myself SO MUCH sometimes like.... 1/9 sometimes 10000% sometimes .00000000000000000001 so like again my constant is God who never changes. dont be hard on yourself if you cant love yourself sO MUCH. baby steps count! progress is not linear!

i do also think if people found more love not just form themselves but others too there wouldnt be war. the irony in love is the more you give it away, the more you have!!!! I LOVE LOVE!!!!! that's why i have a lot of love to give! (｡･∀･)ﾉﾞCOS I LIKE GIVING IT AWAY

thanks for your support TT luv u so much TT

'i can be contrary and always build people up' ig you can. guess you are. you have a very welcoming and supportive image.

love that for me

HAJDHJS i'm glad youre good.

я всегда голоден. 24/7

no but should i be offended by this dry comparison??.... im not typing it on the phone to insert emojis love no TT

HAHAHHAHAHAH that's fine. it's a russian thing ig AHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH it'S NOT MEANT TO BE OFFENSIVE! it's a hasty generalisation fallacy but hahahha in my head its canon lol HAHHAHAHA

'favorite things FOOOOOD' YEEEEY it already sounds good! oh i love rice too! champorado looks tasty. its really uncommon for me so its reallyreally interesting. do you think we like any warm food bc its cold here?? we literally have okroshka...

well i mean i would assume if its too cold you'd want to eat smth warm no? its not to say you dont like cold things either . IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE CHAMPORADO MY MOM MADE CHAMPORADO AND IT WAS SAAAAUUURRRR GOOOOD i love eating. imma show you another dish i love love love love so much

GINATAN

OK OK I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU

so ginatan or ginataan comes from the word gata which is like coconut milk like like the creamy version cos coconut milk has like a juice version but that's just juice the coconut milk is from like squeezed coconut flesh hehe lol. ok so ginataan means like 'a dish with gata/you put gata'

and theres like a savory version of ginataan

idk in the internet it has a g as in ginataang which i guess makes sense cos if you said, ginataang hipon, that means shrimp (hipon) with coconut milk (ginataang lol)

but you can literally call any dish with coconut milk ginataang. but that's like the savory version.

idk honestly sometimes when someone says we have ginataang i get bamboozled and think its ginatan (which is the dessert) so even i get it confused but i think the difference (in the name) is that if its the dessert, we say ginatan, with one a in the end and if its the savory dish (IDK WHAT TO CALL IT IN ENGLISH IN FILIPINO ITS ULAM AND ITS WHAT WE EAT WITH RICE AND IDK IF THERES AN EQUIVALENT OF THAT IN RUSSIAN SO IMMA JUST CALL IT SAVORY DISH) its ginataang

ANYWAY super side tracked.

Ginatan

this one! ^^^^^^^^^ 🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤 has got to be one if not MY MOST FAVORITE food ever ever ever (ok maybe dessert lol)

there are many variations of it but my fav is the one with bilo-bilo which is usually called ginatang halo-halo HAHAHAHH we like saying things twice. ok halo-halo basically means mix-mix and it's also a dessert!!!

ITS ALSO ONE OF MY FAVORITE I LOVE FOOD SO MUCHL:ASHDFLAHSFLHASFaf

the reason why both of those are called halo-halo is because its mixed with A LOT of different things. (i'll talk about halo-halo first ig)

halohalo (im too lazy to put the -) has like ube ice cream, ube (that's actually ube T_T oh ube hayala its called HAHAHAAH (you can put that in bread! and its sweet! HAHHA

it also has leche flan (you know that right? HAHAHH like flan but we call it leche flan cos milk is leche in spanish) it also has gulaman!!!

its fundamentally like jelly ig

then nata de coco (tbh less people put it there and i think thats sad)

this is kind of like gulaman but harder and sweeter and sometimes it leaves a pulp in your mouth!!! ?????!!?!?!?!? it kinda hard to explain but its also from coconuts i have no idea how its made

a lot of southeast asian countries love coconuts YAY COCONUTS

it also has sago

or like what english speakers say tapioca pearls ? its kind of the same for the one in bobba milk tea things if youve ever tried it but i would say the bobba ones are much much chewier and sweeter. sago (at least in halohalo is more on a neutral side ??? i think but still chewy!!!)

it also has beans, like red beans T_T i used to hatE THEM but now i like them

i might be forgetting something but i

OH WAIT

they also put ^^ macapuno, which is like sweet coconut strands its really sticky IDK SOME TASTE LIKE WAX AND I THINK ITS A MANUFACTURING THING which is why i kinda dont like it idk the pic looks kinda gross but i couldnt find anything else lhf;lhasfa

anyway i think thats all HAHAHAH I GOT SIDE TRACKED SO BADLY AND WENT TO HALOHALO INSTEAD OF GINATAN HALOHALO HAHHAHAHAHAAH

anyway lets go back to that

ginatan has saba which is a type of banana, not like the ones you put in idk banana splits

this is it. some people like to boil this T_T (NOT ME) and eat it like that. i dont want to yuck someones yum but i really dont like it. i dont like it when people cook/process banana (with some very few exceptions like ginatan)

kamote (idk what it is in english T_T i think its yam?????????????????? SWEET POTATO??????? idk it has different colors and stuff my mom puts the purple ones in her ginatan AY NVM SHE DOESNT LIKE PUTTING KAMOTE IN HERS COS SHE DOESNT LIKE IT HAHAHHAH NVM but yeah

this is kamote T_T

and then gabi which is taro i think T_T idk either. you might get confused if you search it cos its also the word for night in filipino. GAbi is the food gaBI is night lol

anyway here it is! im like ....... 55% sure its taro HAHHAHA

ginatan also has sago, sometimes big ones sometimes mini ones, it depends on what you want

AND THE BEST INGREDIENT OF IT ALL BILO-BILO

it's basically the big white chew balls in the... the soup? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA IDK WHAT ITS CALLED ITS NOT A SOUP HAHAHHHAAHHAH but while were talking about the soup its basically just coconut milk water and sugar thats it

ANYWAY BILO-BILO IS SUPER CHEWY AND SOFT AND AMAZING AND DELICIOUS AND ITS MADE FROM GALAPONG which is basically like glutinous rice + water =

^^^^ this. you can use this to make more but i cant think of anything rn AHHAHAH also i made this post so long already HAAHHAHAHAHAH

that's it for food today HAHAHAHAHAHA

omg its so intriguing to learn abt things' history?? and mexican stuff? wow sounds surprising to me. like ive said im bad at history.. so yeah its really educational lol.

HAHAA i dont remember you saying you were bad at history i just remember you telling me a bit about russian history and literature and i was like 'i gotta get this right cos she good at history or whatevah GAAAAAAAAAAH' HAHHHHAAHAHAHH

i also like learning about history tbh, especially when its said in an interesting way. cos when i think of my classes in school its so T_T boring, but when i watch youtube videos its SO MUCH FUN!!!

omg you made spain look so cunning and mysterious (: you probably didnt mean it to but sounds so conspiratorially...

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA ITS NOT A CONSPIRACY ITS LIKE REAL!!!!!! this is how i explain stuff to my classmates when we go through lessons and its easier for them to understand and easier for me to explain. i mean to be fair, spain conquered us for ~333 years sooooo yeah pretty cunning and maybe half mysterious cos eventually the pilipinos were like ???? bruh you've been treating us poorly the entire time AND stealing from us ???? GTFO

'what does poka mean?' bye. you didnt want me to message you so i said bye >:( too many symbols

I LITERALLY HAD TO GO BACK TO THAT MESSAGE I THOUGHT YOU SAID 'i can give long messages or smth' NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND you can send me 10000000000 messages id read them all but it will take a while.

omgomg what speech?

it was a speech by our second president Manuel L. Quezon. it was basically declaring Filipino as our lingua franca/national language cos up til then, a little after WWII ?? i think or NO before WWII we didnt have one and the last time i researched about it, i think the philippines has the most spoken languages ever in the world? ok lemme just google it

nvm google said its papua new guinea HAHAHHAH but we have so many languages in the ph and at the time, because of our colonizers, like spanish was prevalent then the americans came so english was next, and then we got our own govt and pres was like 'Ok our language is going to be called filipino which is based on Tagalog'

AND CAN I JUST TELL YOU

;KLASGFL;ASGHFLASFLSAHSAFH FUCKING FUCKING IDIOTS THEYRE SO FUCKING STUPID AND KNOW IT ALL I HATE FIL-AMS FUCK OFF YOU POSER RAT T_T ok ignore that i was talking to these 3 strangers on this walkie-talkie thing and they were supposedly all filipino BUT FROM THE STATES AND I TOLD THEM MY FIRST LANGAUGE IS FILIPINO AND THEY HAD THE FUCKING AUDACITY TO CORRECT ME AND SAY ITS TAGALOG NO YOU FUCKING IDIOT WHO CANT DIFFERENCIATE YOUR AND YOURE FUCK YOU DONT CORRECT ME ABOUT MY OWN FUCKING LANGAUGE IM PRETTY SURE YOU CANT EVEN FUCKING SPEAK

i said i wont cuss but THEY PISS ME OFF SO BAD FUCK YOU RAT

ANYWAY they said Filipino is the person and Tagalog is the word. and i was like ? it;s BASED OFF OF TAGALOG BUT TO CALL IT TAGALOG IS REGIONALISM AND UNINCLUSIVE AND ITS CALLED FILIPINO BECAUSE ITS THE UNIFIFED LANGUAGE FUCK YOU YOU KNOW NOTHING Also the person is Pilipino you uneducated rat im sure you would fail in our school system if you went to the phililppines fuck you. OK filipino is acceptable cos its the english version of pilipino /: but RAT still

DID YOU KNOW 70% IN AMERICA IS A PASSING AND HIGH GRADE HAHAHAHH 70 is below failing here /: 75 is like you barely made it. ok dont quote me on that fr BUT I SAW A BUNCH OF TIKTOKS ABOUT IT AND this one foreign girl when to the ph and said she got a 70smth and she was like thats good and she was shocked it was failing

SO YALL DUMB AF GAAAAAAAAAAAH I REALLY HATED THE FACT THOSE THREE 'FILIPINOS 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢' GANGED UP ON ME LIKE THAT I WAS LITERALLY LIKE GOOGLE IT GOOGLE IT YOURE SAYING WHAT I LEARNED IN SCHOOL IN THE FUCKING PHILIPPINES IS WRONG AND THEY WERE LIKE YES

l/aksgf;klSDAGG:KLJggb;jbk;B:GKSJbgjkdlgbddsdfsgdg;glhd;hgl;SDhgli;sdhgl;isdlhgsi;D FUCK YOU IM SO ANGRY

whooo i just admited i was angry and i dont like that T_T inner peace

i forgive them

omg that was so hard to type

ANYWAY im hot and smart they're YUCKY! God bless america.

WOW that was a long rant

hope your hw is alright too...

my homework is fine ig HAHAHAH

ok its your right to not continue watching. but that poor guy... you abandoned him...

i might come back for it cos im kinda intruiged BUT I BORROWED A BUNCH FO SANDMAN FANFICS AND GAAAHHH I WAS SO EXCITED WHEN I SAW THEM IN OUR LIBRARY AND IM SO EXCITED TO READ THEM LASGHFASFSAFSAF SOOOOOOO SOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!! T_T i felt so happy to go to the library AND BORROW BOOKS I WAS SKIPPING ANG JUMPING AROUND AL:SIFLASFSAFH

i was actually looking for this book

because the author was promoting it on tiktok and it looks sooooooo interesting T_T I WANT IT but i cant they didnt have it yet T_T bUT THEN I SAW THE SANDMAN ON DISPLAY AND I WAS LIKE LAHSKFKSAHFAUSSHAS I MUST HAVE IT and i borrowed 4 comic books T_T IM SO HAPPY

that can only mean im probably not going to post as much AHHAHAAHHAHAAHHAHAHAH let me enjoy my comics first i only got a week to finish em and im SO EXCITED<3 im going to cry

'this was so dry i was like' i tend to sound pretty convincingly so dont worry youre not my only victim.

HAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHA

should i call you saint hannah or saint catmom now?...

AHAHAHA lol you can ??????? BUT just cos ur in the bible doesnt mean ur a saint HAHHHAH HAHAHAHAH but idc i dont mind lolololol HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

'I LOVE IT WHEN GIRLS GIVE BOYS FLOWERS' oooh flowers are pretty themselves. i need someone to give me flowers first. then ill think.

IVE NEVER RECEIVED FLOWERS FLOWERS EITHER lol jk i got one flower from my bestie she gave all her friends one rose then another from my classmatein grade 4 who gave all the class officers a rose. but thats it hahahahah. if i really liked a guy, id give him flowers <3

'IM SO SORRY I DIDNT MEANT TO CONFUSE YOU' its ok its my revenge for dante. i learnt what it meant.

HAHAAHHAHAH ok then AHHAHA

yeah classical literature is a chore but... ive got a classical literature exam... i have no choice.... its pretty sometimes but when youre obliged to read it, esp at school... it wasnt meant for teens guys... ESPECIALLY russian classical literature....

so true. i find it hard to believe that boys rule the world. have you met a boy? THEY FUCKING DUMB. yeah simply because you HAVE to read it it feels like so bad to do T_T HAHAHAAH. i did very much enjoy my literature classes. my teacher was nice and me and my friends were nerds so AHHAAHAHAH we actually read the stories, except for that one time and no one in class answered, even me T_T and she was so disappointed in us and i was like IVE LET YOU DOWN T_T

can you tell anything abt filipino literature?

ok i was going to talk about one of the stories by our national hero but thats so basic. imma tell you about one of the pieces we read for that said literauture class. Under my Invisible Umbrella by Laurel Flores Fantauzzo. it's a personal essay which basically is about white privelage in the ph

the author laural is half pilipino and italian but she looks fully foreign ig and so she basically gets treated differently, better because of it. im actually like her, but insteaf of being half italian, i'm half jordanian so i get what she means on a real level. it goes both ways though i get good and back reactions

this is kind linked to by for a while i didnt believe i was pretty because my perceived beauty was only based on how foreign i looked. T_T its so weird/hard to talk about cos no one gets it and so sometimes i feel like an imposter. when other people around me say im pretty do they mean that because i am or because i just look foreign?

ANYWAY im hot. (:

'her dad an ugly rat L' ig its not enough for him. even cunt is not enough for him.

so true he's so trash ew ew ew

hasjsjs this aemond meme TT so true TT and i cant watch the tiktok as its banned in russia but i hope you laugh for me!

i gotchu

i found the one with the brown door AHHAAHAHHA it's the same guy though

also abt them! im finally watching official hotd's bts and WOW its so impressive? ig i needed to watch it insted of the series and wouldve been more satisfied.

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAH

how were your classes?

my classes were ok HAHAHAH my teacher got upset with my classmate (its the first time i saw him angry i was scared) T_T well i mean my classmate was begging to sleep, legit he pulled a chair and laid down so my teacher when 'ok you do this next thing' and made him do the demonstration of plugging our equipment LOL KSKSSKSKSKK

tell me more abt filipino culture please! its interesting!

i'll tell you more next letter! i said so much this time HAHAHAH. i'll tell you about the works of our national hero!

have a nice day/evening/night/life! love you! take care<з

i hope you also have a good day baby cakes im luv u <3

stay safe do good <3

xxx

[antiloreolympus]

10 Anti LO Asks

1. ok im sorry you cannot post that thanatos and daphne panel and not tell me that isnt just hxp with hades painted a different color. thats like insulting bad in how lazy the art as become. also thats not how a kiss works, where did his mouth go?

2. i dont care if an artist draws their characters nude and w/ greek gods its kinda expected but its a purposely put in design feature and characterization and plot point in LO that persephone is barely legal with her age always being emphasized, is constantly sexualized without her knowledge esp by hades, and looks so young w/ several times of her just being naked while possible being a minor. like no wonder people get creeped out by LO even at first glance, that IS weird no matter how you cut it.

3. webtoon creators making nsfw work of their comics is not an issue lmao the problem in rachel's case is most of it is overwhelming about persephone being submissive and confused and even having hades call her a "little girl" and having it as the logo??? like if its behind a paywall thats one thing, but just cutting off the lower part and having it in print where kids can see it and disguising the context is disgusting. its not right, but i can see why some have some concerns about RS's character.

4. i know if it happens it wont be for awhile but god, the webtoons batman comic they put up is already up LO's butt and steadily climbing. If it actually pushes LO off it's top spot i'll be so happy. Not the hero we deserve but the hero we need. (PS its a good comic too, go read it even if you're not a DC fan!)

5. the LO porn rachel made wasnt even good lmao like a lot of was just uncomfortable to look at bc only hades seemed to be enjoying it and the other half just seemed traced from actual tumblr porn gifs so it just looked even weirder with her cartoon faces, like it was just weird? anyway congrats to rachel to somehow making even 4chan think she's gross. they literally invented bronies and even think that is weird.

6. I went to check out the reviews for the LO book preorder and they're all so funny to me because it's just so fake????? Tell me who the hell would call this story a delicacy. I'm not joking. One of the reviews literally calls it that.

I hate it. Anyway. Punderworld volume 1 is available to buy so buy that instead of LO y'all

7. fr the more i learn about the most popular creators on webtoons (not just rachel but ppl like the ladies behind lets play and age matters and basically all of the romance genre) the more im convinced being a straight white lady rots your brain. yall stay safe out there because none of you will be seeing the gates of heaven ✋🏾😷 

-----FP Spoilers-----

8. Making Themis pregnant made lo and mythology timline dont much up, bc themis was one of zeus's first wife(i think second) but bc their kids were looking undesireble he break up with her, but didnt mistreat her like metis, but he gave her this job as a law goddes, and later marry hera. So if she is pregnant and she have only kids with zeus this would mean that he and hera would be couple for not too long, but their kids are older and in flashbacks it was shown that hera was his first choice.

9. The reason actually Law gods/goddesses are gone is cause reasonable people with any kind of morals will be against Persephone. Even if they're getting paid by the richest guy in the world to defend her.   Only those who have not only drank the HXP Kool aid, but have downed an entire bowl of it through a funnel like a sorority girl at a frat party will be allowed to defend her. As is right of course. No contrary opinions about HXP are allowed in LO, lest you be labeled a villain by our Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss Queen and her Mansplain Manipulate Manwhore King. All Hail HXP. #Asspollo

10. um im sorry, even ignoring how dumb of an excuse "maternity leave" is bc shes a goddess why would they need time off, but like??? you really mean to tell me it wouldnt be badass to show a working mom bring her baby to work to defeat zeus at this own game??? like wouldnt that be actually feminist and show the power of women?? rachel sucks so bad at being "progressive".

From OP, not anon: Themis is currently pregnant.

[whatamidoingqueer]

...i haven’t been active in the young royals fandom (esp with discourse)...

but we’re all in agreement that sara and felice are both experiencing compost, right? even if they writers didn’t intend it.

bc felice always makes it seem like her crushes aren’t for her own “enjoyment”. she talks about how her mom puts pressure on her in everything she does, especially with boys and social status. in particular, her mom seems to be the entire reason why felice “likes” wilhelm anyway- and she doesn’t even say she really likes him, she just talked about how she wants to have royal kids. when she kissed wilhelm, it was when she just let down her parents in a big way, so in her mind, if she were to somehow date him, that would make things better with her parents.

and with august, felice doesn’t seem to actually like him at all. (ngl i didn’t pay attention much during this scene) but she doesn’t even seem to enjoy sex at all with him. when felice describes being in a relationship w august, she says it’s “not what i expected”(derogatory). when she found out he was cheating, she wasnt upset AT ALL. and it would make sense that her comphet would be focused on august; he is a popular older boy who is seemingly rich and already shows a great deal of interest in her. it’s an easy way to get the social status of having a boyfriend.

with sara, there are a handful of scenes where she is imitating felice specifically, particularly with the hair clips. sara is fascinated with the dorms, she dresses up on that saturday night with her family, she shows interest in being lucia only after felice wins. and this doesn’t prove anything, bc it makes sense she would want to fit in with girls her age after not having any friends her whole life. but i really think sara is mistaking wanting to be felice with wanting to be like felice. when august kissed sara in the stables, there did not seem to be any enjoyment or excitement on her end. but once her feelings for felice get too complicated imo, she assumes it’s bc she is jealous bc she likes august, and then goes after him.

do i think this is gonna happen? not really. i don’t think a netflix show is gonna center around two canon queer couples- i think they’ve hit their limit lmao. it would be suuuper interesting if they did it though, bc all the pieces are right there (i mean, sara was even said to be a bad communicator in relationships, which is why she’s always stayed single- aaaand she’s never been in love.) but ya, i just think it’s fun to think about, and i legit assumed this is where they were going with the season on my first watch through.

[odysseys-blood]

Ask tag game!

I HAVENT SEEN ONE OF THESE IN FOREVERRR. Was tagged by one of my favoritest people ever @tilapiamafia mwah

Last…

Beverage:

I dink my oiter! woke up stuffy from the fan being on all night

Phone call:

Could not tell u i ignore like 90% of the calls i get. I think my dad called me abt smthn they did or didnt have in the store.

Text message:

I sent my dad this picture

Song you listened to:

Roll Over Bethoveeeen by Ryoma Maeda (this is the only song of his i know. its in a playlist with clipping., death grips, lil mariko and more. this is my Sounds playlist titled :) ]

Time you cried:

honestly could not tell you. i need to cry more but alas

Have you ever…

Dated someone twice:

Not even once 😔

Kissed someone and regretted it:

nope. would like to kiss someone tho (if you could not twll i have not done Shit. the world is my oyster still)

Lost someone special:

also not in a death way but most definitely lol. we keep it pushing tho it is what it is ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Been depressed:

Am. Im making it tho

Been drunk and threw up:

Never been drunk! or drank at all rather im not super interested. folks might try to get me smthn for my 21st but i still dont really care. most ppl talk abt alcohol tasting like pure chemical and i wont drink smthn if it doesnt taste good i have standards

Last year, have you…

Made a new friend:

Yeah! had the startling realization that the panny means one of my friends had seen my face for the first time ever bc we just met the past year (she said i had nice lips tho)

Fallen out of love:

yeah it happens. gotta stomp it out by force tho esp if the person wasnt good for me

Laughed until you cried:

all the time! i love a good laugh there is nothing more that i enjoy than to cackle, a hee hee hoo hoo, a tee hee, a giggle

Found out who your true friends are:

do you know how many fake ppl there are out here.

Found out someone was talking about you: 

see above. i have "friends" who will talk shit abt me to my face. (yeah im bad at leaving shitty relationships when its all i got for mental health during semester sessions)

General

How many people on your fb friends list do you know in real life?:

i do not have facebook. likely never will. i barely have an insta

List 3 favorite colors:

not a color but my favorite color scheme is analogous (from blue to red) and i call these the blood colors bc it reminds me of textbook circulatory system diagrams. if i do have to pick 3 tho then wine purple, teal, and red (or pink. theyre the same color.) (this is basically again just blue to red.)

Firsts

First surgery:

never had any surgeries so im gonna say being a c section baby

First piercing:

My ears got pierced when i was a baby! my brother is trying to convince my mom to get his ears pierced tho (she agreed to one ear only) so whenever he goes im probably gonna get more. someone suggest some bc besides a couple more lobe piercings bc idk for sure what i want. I used to want lip and nose piercings but i think i can manage with just faux piercing rings for now

First best friend:

a military brat i dont talk to anymore. i will say one friend i still hold dear now i met before her, early in elementary, but we didnt really talk as much til middle school when we met again. i adore her sm she texted me the other day crying bc frosting colors are harder to mix than paint. shes doing her best baking and i believe in her

First sport you joined:

none. did do orchestra in hs tho! id love to play violin now but those hoes are expensive

First vacation:

probably just to the beach. never really had a chance to vacation in my life

First pair of trainers:

....you want me to remember the first sneakers i ever got????

Right now

Eating:

last thing i had was some strawberry cream pie it was real good :]

Drinking:

nothing i should get on that tho bc im thirsty

I’m about to:

https://youtube.com/shorts/KcKbwOFLibo?feature=share real answer is im goin outside. i want to draw some tho so idk the world is my oyster yet again

Your future

Want kids:

probably not im good enough being an auncle. i love my nephews the littlest guys ever

Get married:

i think so! i think id be content without one tho. if i do idk if id want a big wedding either or even a reception

Career:

i wanna be a character designer and i am going to believe i make it bc i have no other skills. (i know autocad but god i dont want to be doing autocad)

Which is better

Lips or eyes:

both

Hugs or kisses:

i dont like being touched too much but hugs

Shorter or taller:

just somebody. lord.

Older or younger:

dont really care as long as its not a weird gap but probably a lill bit older

Romantic or spontaneous:

also no idea what that means. idk ig romantic? i like to know ehats going on so spontaneousness can get on my nerves sometimes

Nice stomach or nice arms:

i appreciate both. i need my partner to appreciate a nice tummy tho bc i def have one

Sensitive or loud:

sensitive bc i dont like loud volumes ever lol

Hook-up or relationship:

Relationship i dont think i can do a hook up. i need to know someone before i try to do anything

Trouble maker or hesitant:

either way is fine. im v hesitant tho maybe i need a trouble maker

Have you ever…

Kissed a stranger:

naur

Drank hard liquor: 

nope!

Lost glasses/contacts:

every fucking day in this goddamn hell hole. they fell when i got in bed i have no idea where they are.

Sex on first date:

nah i need to build trust

Broke someone’s heart:

idk. probs not but if i did oopsie daisy (◕_◕)

Been arrested:

nope!

Turned someone down:

yeah

Cried when someone died:

probably but i dont cry as often as i should so

Do you believe in…

Yourself:

i try to! bc who else is gonna do it if i dont first

Miracles:

no but if they happen then nice

Love at first sight:

no. a crush is not a love

Heaven:

not really but itd be nice to think about. dont think they'd let me in id be primed for like purgatory tho

Santa Claus:

https://youtu.be/4l5B5vlNN6w

Kiss on the first date:

yall can i probably never would

Angels:

would be cool could exist might not either way i have no control over it. i think some of my friends are angels tho (like the one battling with frosting colors)

i can feel that this ask list is probably from like 2015 lol. idk who else to tag but if you want to do it go ahead and tag me! @meicheesecake u have to tho.

[floorbed]

i sent these to puck also but. 17 33 53 67 78 for both stupids

>:) Time For Idiots. again i kinda went off hard so this shit under a read more

17. Do they have a best friend? If so, who, and what makes them their best friend?

pen’s best friend growing up from when he was Baybey till he left the palace was mikolai! they were best friends kind of because like. they were rlly close in age and were both born in the palace and were both Boys Who Needed A Buddy Bc They Were Stuck In This Like Very Formal Place All The Time And Wanted To Be Silly Kids. so kind of best buddies by necessity. he was the graf’s son. he was the court jester’s son. can i make it any more obvious etc etc. he was also very much one of those kids who was like My Mom Is My Best Friend <3 also

but now that he’s out of the palace the party r very much his best friends. like. They’ve Seen Him Die. hes fucked up over and over again and they still accept him n believe in him, and hes not used to things being that like... unconditional, u know. if he had to pick one person in arsonparty it Wld be miss telltale but like. he kind of views her as like That One Really Cool Older Sibling Who Can Do No Wrong Who U Look Up To rather than like friend vibes? and at first that manifested for him like. oh i feel protected by her. but now its like . Oh i feel protected by her but Also i want her to understand her self worth and see herself the way i see her bc like i would like her to feel comfortable enough to allow herself to also get taken care of and protected.... but yeah

agni is ! hm! pre brain damage school agni was too busy to form any like. meaningful connections w anyone. that shit was hard as it was on its own and it also just like. Wasnt Top Priority so she didnt put a lot of effort into it bc she was 2 busy stressing over academics. Her Roommate Was Cool but also she felt a little intimidated by her. 

crimesagni has uhhh friendly work acquaintances that she , again, didnt let herself put a lot of stake in but still genuinely enjoyed their presence! But I Mean Like. Seras. Yeah. seras is definitely The Exception Of That. #JustBestFriendThings!! its cool how friendly the.y are . also like. the party is the first time agni’s had a Friend Group before and like people who want to hang out w her..... she rlly enjoys it! turns out things r much more linear n lucid when u have outside ppl as frames of reference. also they are all very kind to her which makes her real happy, n seem to genuinely care abt her wellbeing, and dont mind all of the shit she’s gotten them into w her Work Stuff. 

33. Did they ever dye their hair before? If so, to what colour? Did they like it?

pen hasnt but if he Could he’d dye his hair black >:) little goth boy

agni also hasnt, and i dont think she would care to that much even if given the opportunity! if someone wanted to like, practice on her hair tho, she’d offer it!

53. What is something that they want but can’t have?

pen . lol. he wants the period of his life back before everything went to shit, when he was likeeee 17. he just kinda wants to exist in that little time bubble forever.

agni i think deep down would like to go back before she self-sabotaged her life and was still on track to being a respectable member of society w a good career, just for a little bit n not permanently, to compare her quality of life then w her quality of life now and see if it was worth it.

67. What is something that is simple, but always makes them smile?

pen: when his mom wld dance with him!!! playing hide and seek w mikolai during high mourning when he was a kid!! juniper’s little “ehhhh” moments!! when anybody (but esp ori and juni) laugh at his silly jests >:) going to dinner parties and knowing essactly what to do >:) when his friends let him take care of them, like when juni let him brush his hair!!! 

agni: lavinia reading over her good marks and telling her how proud she is!! edda walking her to the temple when she was really little after dressing her up real pretty and holding her hand the whole time!! the way seras says her full name!! when dendy sings his little songs!!! Amadeus Antics. the fact that cyrus asked for her n elviras help w his home stuff and he thinks shes like. competent enough to be of help!

78. If they had a nightmare, who would they run to?

at home, pen would run to his mom 100%, and just kinda cry for a little bit, and then probably have a sleepover in her room.

w the party, pen would go to ori oops! he wouldnt want to wake her up like, physically, bc he wouldnt want to catch her off guard and have her Burst Into Flames, but probably hover in her doorway and tell her what happened. and ask if he should try to go back to sleep or not, or what he shld do.

now that ori has Unbalanced Humors tho, pen probably would not want to bother her bedrest, so he’d go to juni, jangle on up to his bed and be all stubborn n not leave him alone bc he’d be too scared to try n go back to sleep on his own!! Lots Of Lamenting

back in zadash if agni Could, she wld go to seras (IM SORRY SHES LIKE THIS SHES JUST A CRINGEFAIL WITH ONE (1) FRIEND)... ask if she cld lay on hands her so she cld rule out Brain Chemical Stuff being the culprit, but even if that wasnt the case Ask 2 Be Held. A Little Bit. she usually gets reallyy overstimulated with physical contact and it is Bad but with her It Is Just Good And Nice. yknow.

w the party, agni would probably try to deal w it herself, first and foremost. if she cldnt, she’d either go to cyrus bc he’s very nice to her and ask if she can look at some of his art stuff to calm down, or theo bc she has a very calming voice and is rlly good at thinking things through logically which comforts her, or adaeze bc Mayhaps She Has A Nice Mango Snack Like Last Time Again!!

[elijahfitz]

and introduction.

meet elijah.

hey guys! im lina! im 18 and im in the cst timezone. im currently a freshman in college and ive also been rping for like 6 years now ( i started on the neopets chat boards. if thats not an embarrassing fun fact idk what is ) but i havent rped since this summer since school was and still is kicking my ass. im really into musical theater, marvel & dc, and disney! i also used to be a lifeguard at a great wolf lodge for 2 years so if u want any funny stories about stupid children, or even just wanna be friends, lmk! im also SUPER sorry this intro is so late. i was gonna do it yesterday but then my friends wanted to hang and it kinda went downhill from there. im actually posting this like 20 min before i have a lab practical so i wont be able to reply until late tonight, but like this post to plot or anything!

some fun facts abt elijah:

he was adopted when he was around 3-4? he was abandoned and left on the back of a merchant cart headed to corona, where he was then discovered and then put into the local orphanage since no one was sure where he came from or who left him. all he had was a stuffed bear (named wooly), a basket of water and fruits to eat, and a letter that explained that:

his name was elijah

he was 2 (born on february 28th)

his parents couldnt care for him, so they hoped he would be found by a kind soul who could either take care of and love him, or else get him to someone who could

they loved him and only left him in the hopes that he would have a better life

he lived in the orphanage for almost 2 years and the few months before the 2nd anniversary of his arrival, rapunzel & eugene visited the orphanage that eugene grew up in and fell in love w/ eli, promptly adopting him soon after. he barely remembers anything about his abandonment and time in the orphanage, but always wanted to find his birth parents and let them know how he turned out. he kept the bear and basket in his room but carries the letter around with him in his wallet wherever he goes.

his full name is elijah frederic fitzherbert. he was given the middle name frederic in honor of his grandfather.

but, he much rather prefers eli. doesnt mind formalities but insists on people who know him to call him by his nickname. except he HATES being called “highness” bc he thinks it sounds stupid. he wont get upset per se if u keep referring to him as “your highness” but he will get annoyed

he very much wants to fulfill his role as “corona’s golden boy” by contributing back to his people. he worries for the kingdom more than he worries for himself and is always trying to prove that he is worthy of being a prince rather than just some random kid who got lucky enough to get adopted. most of his days are spent doing modest favors and helping out the townspeople or visiting the villages surrounding the kingdom.

when he’s in the castle you can almost always find him in the kitchen! boi loves to bake and cook. he loves the way food can bring joy to everyone. he often makes goods to give to the townspeople or the kids at the orphanage, where he volunteers at least every 2 weeks when hes not busy w prince stuff.

has an acute fear of disappointment. he feels so much pressure to prove his worth that came from growing up thinking if he did anything wrong he’d be sent back to orphanage, esp since his parents had another child. they wouldn’t want or need him anymore. he mostly got over this when he broke a vase when he was 12 and tried to run away from home, except he fell out the tree that he used to climb out his window and broke his leg lmao. his parents assured him that no matter what he did they would still love him and never abandon him, and his dad also taught him how to climb trees and roofs without dying (much to his mom’s chagrin). even tho hes pretty much over it, it kinda lingers subconsciously. thus, he overcompensates in everything he does and gets overly anxious about small problems

growing up he thought the stories that his dad told him about his past were so cool, despite the fact that he would almost always only hear those stories when he was being taught lessons of what he shouldnt do. he used to run around pretending to be flynn rider and his dad played along, planning play heists for them to do together (think scott & cassie in that one scene from ant man and the wasp) but they stopped when eli hit that age where he thought it was embarrassing to play w his dad. but, it really helped him bond w eugene and help him work on his coordination bc eli is CLUMSY AF

eli legit trips over nothing at least twice a day.

he bonded w his mom through art tho, which eventually turned into aesthetic desserts and meals! thats another reason why he loves baking and cooking so much.

when his 1st sibling was born when he was 5 at first he was jealous. he didnt get much attention at the orphanage due to the fact that there were so many kids and he was just starting to get used to the idea of having parents didnt have tons of kids always trying to win their affection and attention. he thought having a little sibling was the worst thing in the world and would hide from his parents bc if they couldnt find him they couldnt send him away. he hated his sibling.

until he met them. the second he saw their chubby face he was hooked. he swore that he would do anything and everything for them. and that continued when his parents adopted his other siblings as well. he absolutely adores them and acts like the protective older bro role

thankfully, with such a large age gap eli never rlly had to go through any of those petty squabbles that siblings usually have. he was always pretty protective of them tho and would fight when he thought they were being reckless and dumb out of his own fear that if they got hurt he would be an awful big brother (again, fear of disappointment)

he loves to travel bc his mom would always take him to these extravagant kingdoms and on these amazing sightseeing trips

this boy is hopeless when it comes to love. i can imagine lots of ppl liking him on top of all the ppl throwing themselves at him bc royal, but him being completely oblivious and thinking that no one likes him.

he had rlly bad ADD as a kid but its gotten better as hes grown. he still occasionally struggles w executive functioning tho and always gets rlly frustrated when he cant focus or remember

like i said earlier, clumsy af. no coordination. the only athletic ability he ever had was horse riding and running

that said he has a horse named may (short for mayonnaise. dont ask

he likes music a lot. prob learned piano at a young age

he probably is at the party bc royals? idk

EDIT: although (currently) unknown to eli, his true birth mother is maleficent. when eli was 2, his birth father took him away from her and had her suppress eli’s natural born powers. his father realized he was unfit to care for him, so he was the one who abandoned eli.

wanted connections!!

obv his parents and siblings? i mean cmon

one ( or both???? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ) of his birth parents!!!!! they dont have to know that eli is their son or mayb they do and are too scared to tell him, but being trapped together will eventually make it revealed

childhood friends! people he met when he traveled w his mom or met at royal social functions? i rlly also want friends that he would hang w at all the royal galas and stuff and they would go do dumb stuff like look sneak out and look for secret passages of make bets of who could dump more crab cakes into the stuffy duchess’ purse when she wasnt looking

people who know him solely through his family

someone who likes eli and eli legit has no clue, no matter how much they flirt and drop hints

people who hate eli! or even just dislike him, which makes him upset bc he doesnt like the idea that there are ppl who dont like him in the world. mayb bc sometimes he gets super highstrung when things arent going how they should b and he like lashed out at them once or something. maybe they hate his parents and on principle hate him. idk

someone who was w eli in the orphanage

past relationships? i feel like hes never rlly had a bad breakup tho, its just that they prob just didnt work out. hes also bi so they can b any gender. hes still looking for his otp

idk, legit anything. send me those plots man

[ayyponine]

anyway imma talk a bit abt some time i spent w my dad earlier.

leading up to it i was p nervous bc he just returned frm visiting my sister in mexico. before he left i big time opened up w my abuse.doc on the whole Living With My Sister Nightmare Experience after which he said i was free of any blame and that SHE is the one who’s always been ruthless and rancorous and that he was definitely gonna have a word w her abt how she vindictively tried to ruin me for years on end. so i was 100% worrying abt her maybe straight up denying it all, saying im lying re: some things and overreacting w the rest, and getting him to doubt me just enough to pull him and then my mom back to her side and undo every bit of peace and self worth ive tried to win by composing that doc. in the end we didn’t even talk abt that. he asked me abt my trip, i asked abt his. we had a nice dinner, i gave him advice re: his cold, and we drove to visit my grandparents after. so i gratefully took the opportunity to shove my own shit to the bg fr a bit and focused on just being the sweet bubbly granddaughter, happy to see and talk to them all fr a bit.

and like im still worried he maybe thinks that shit is more nuanced, that my sister somehow had a logical reason to terrorise without stop and that it’s just as much my fault as it is hers that shit got out of hand the way it did. but at least for tonight i get to feel like i might be a better daughter and granddaughter than she is rn. i managed to not be too down and keep both him and his parents entertained and no one had to worry about me fr a few hrs. and ngl. it helped to hear his trip was a bit of a letdown. he was glad to return home. had a run in w some shady & corrupt cops. saw a huge rich/poor divide. seemed judgemental that my sister has landed a rich boy, that they’re living in a big house the guy’s father has provided and that they’re both lazy & not working. (i mean, i’m not working either. tho i have somewhat of an excuse i guess? i mean that’s still a big personal letdown tbh but anyway.) he had comments on the food & rising obesity esp among the youth (my family can be p ruthless on that front. if youve gained some weight, hoo boy). the roads are weird. the hotel was lacking. the rain season was exceptionally long so the weather in belgium was actually better than it was there. i know it sounds stupidly petty, but i was thirsting to hear more abt what he disliked as if a negative experience tied to her could somehow make him love me more instead. it’s sad but it’s true.

so like, that’s it. i wish i could say it didnt still hurt me to know she’s landed herself that god damn happy ending. she’s got a guy who actually fell for her. she’s raising their kid in a big house she didnt have to work for. can devote all her free time to her yoga/herbal/permaculture soulseeking thing, guilt-free and with familial facebook admiration. while pregnant she had v seriously intended to dump him bc she barely knew him and wasnt sure abt the relationship. (they briefly broke up after a fight, mom and i lived in silent dread as she took some time to think abt whether she’d take him back or continue living with us.) she then compared that life he offered with the one she had fucked up over here, and made the decision to back out of the mess she’d created to start over with a guy we aren’t allowed to tell the full story of what a horrible person she’s actually been. all while for the past year i’ve been struggling to find my bearings and if anything feel even less capable/more stressed abt that now. i mean yeah, that difference in how things worked out fr us really still hurts. it still seems so incredibly unfair while i’m completely powerless, and i dont know if it’s a feeling that will ever fade away.

but yknow, tonight i did ok. and maybe next week he will bring it up, or maybe she’ll talk to my mom abt it, maybe she will try to undermine me and argue that the abuse wasn’t as bad as im making it out to be. maybe my biggest fear will become a reality. maybe she really will win them over, and even after opening up abt the experience it’ll turn out to not even make a difference and i’ll be alone and disapproved of again for being weak and childish and now, also vengeful for trying to put the blame on her. i really dont know how things will turn out. but at least tonight i did a pretty good job yknow.

[startwithbrooklyn]

THE GREAT ND REWATCH OF 2021 / OCTOBER 5, 2019 // return of josh

oooookay folks! that's a wrap! below are my comments about tonight's ep + additional expansions on previously stated opinions. i'm not combining s2 ep 1 with this bc s2 is dead to me! so is s3! i only did this to gather up all these loose thoughts i had when this show with its one lonely season became such a comfort to me that i developed a second consciousness about it. but with these posts i am done! the evil is defeated! i will carry on through the 3rd and hopefully final season of nancy drew with less emotion and better spirits. thank god.

-"talk to owen" nancy firstly thinks of talking to owen only to see what happens w the agleaca; saying goodbye comes as sorta an afterthought mirroring tiffany's possession of george. yet nancy was unable to say goodbe to owen just like w kate. knowing this reveal about kate, i wonder if this was foreshadowing that something big will be revealed about him later? unlikely but still

-nancy + the reality of broken things: 'totems' like broken sand glass sculpture (good place) to show you it's not a dream; "owen broke that" ghost trap to ground him to reality, like how she reached for her locket in the good place, lucy's charm, ace's bear ('totems' idea borrowed from inception)

-george has never been an affectionate person, even with other women- so why does pda with nick suddenly become so important?

-lots of comments about ryan + women but what about carson/kate and karen? again with the hypocritical (interestingly, there is an aspect of violence to women connected with ryan (even though that violence is not his fault); but its not like kate or karen fared well either)

-ryan feels useless- relationships with women as stated by nancy- he seeks to redeem himself by showing up where nancy goes to prove he is good to have around/necessary/needed - but now that he is attempting to act as a parent he has to break through nancy's defenses all over again- firstly she didnt really consider him any kind of threat bc he comes off as incompetent- ie bad business deals- i think i mentioned last ep, their hauntings equalize them as they both attempt to gain peace by searching for answers but now ryan has changed the terms of engagement so he's back to square one, with carson. (which is how we find them s2 cowering in ryans car stalking nancy together)

-ryan's relationship to nancy exposes an interesting layer here. so far she doesnt know about nick/george but they still hold the cards (ie george gets one over on nick's ex/"the new girl") with the revelation of ryan being nancys father, nancy gains an interesting trump card in navigating the social fallout of being nick's ex. like george would take the new spot but then nancy comes out with george's ex in a much higher category. this plays out later on in the ep when george confronts ryan. george wants to talk about "them" but ryan shows up completely focused on nancy, thus illustrating the trump

-"i thought it was whitney with another insipid question" to me this sounds like whitney took bess's advice earlier about "asking aunt diana what she wants" (only to learn it actually annoyed the hell out of diana lmaoo)

-"then you need to fight for it" this hearkens nancy earlier by asking "arent you in by virtue of dna?" the test was positive; she is a marvin just like nancy is a hudson. thats not a fact that they can change. however, diana really acts like it can be changed- and in s2 we see it does change. its interesting for bess to be told to fight to be in a family she's already in and also foiled by nancy trying to fight her way out of her own family. would like to see bess stand up to diana and say something. i mean, she exists. as much as she may want to erase bess from the family, diana cannot erase her existence

-hannah's rolled up sleeves 💙

-"previous keepers records" -from s2- were those not her parents??

-mistaken murderers- everyone incorrectly assumes lucy was murdered just as they assume the agleaca killed owen

-even if owen weren't the price, how can they pay the toll without one of the people who called? i mean if it was anything other than owen and he still died they still wouldve been fucked

-"you don't need to check, i'm not even driving!" okay and giving up the goss. cassidy is me. lmfaoooo

-wonder if this locked marvin industries box will ever come back

-UNPOPULAR OPINION: george's confrontation with ryan comes waytoo late to do anything. i think i brought this up in an earlier post. its literally just her screaming at him now. like he is clocked out moved on. you know a good time for this scene? in the claw when he comes by to "check on her". hes vulnerable, fresh from rehab. and she has a chit over him for punching bookcases/the fuckin country club deal. therewould have been a perfect time to confront ryan on what happened- "what you did to me" okay sis. you admitted ep 1 you werent in hs anymore. youre of age now. admit you fucked up. take the L to force him to swallow the bigger L. and imagine how much more powerful the scene would have been- in george's domain, literally her own office, something ryan doesnt even have because HE DOESNT DO SHIT. ryan is SO EASY to trap but nobody notices. instead they have george try to get some kind of apology out of him when hes already done with that, and only for the sake of her establishing a new relaionship to boot. imagine how much more empowered she would feel if she just got that closure for herself- because she needed it, not so she could trot straight back to nick being all proud of calling a grown man to some random estate only to scream at him in a parking lot and have accomplished nothing. 🤦🏼‍♀️

-i get patrice thinking nancy is lucy but yeahhhhh this isnt how dementia works 😬

-i almost cant with nance and josh. how do you save your would-be murderer? (+ lucy's best friend and brother are in jail, her mom is lost to her mentally; all she has left is nancy and ryan)

-tbh i had no idea how to spell agleaca until bess said "theres no i in agleaca!" i thought it was igleaka like 😂

-damn how george just stares at nicks hand and then gets out herself is just so sad (like she immediately rectifies it but still...)

-"curiosity" part II; nancy who comes back to the sea after her mother died in it- agleaca drawn to lucy's trauma/to agleaca, lucy died fir "love"- would nancy be willing to risk the same? // this is also one of nancy's "mirroring mom" moments: winning sea queen, going to the velvet masque, getting caught by celia, having a "chat" with everett, and "falling" off the bluffs

-the collector 🎵👌🏻

-i wonder if there's any significance to the locations/means of their deaths; nancy's is pretty straight forward in terms of where and how, but why george and nick drowning, in the truck specifically? drowning in love? idk. ace's at the claw i get, but he gets himself caught? in what precisely? what does the fish hook mean? and bess's makes the least sense- burning alive? in the marvin estate? maybe the agleaca picked the most painful death for the marvin blood relation? idk. up for debate lmk ya thoughts

and lastly:

-i remember seeing this ending for the first time and i had just been traumatized by avengers endgame and since black widow is also a redhead seeing that shit at the bottom of the cliff it was like 😰😰😰 TOO SOON

-random thoughts-

these are just things i noticed, feel free to grapple with them or take note of them for extrapolation in s3 (lord knows i wont be) they probably belonged in recaps for previous eps but i either didnt find them in my notebook or couldnt fit them in

•nancy and truth/the perception of truth: using facts to suit theories instead of creating theories to suit facts- nancy often plays with the perception of truth and the details that fall between the steps; but she is also a victim to them by people who also know how to play the game (ie Carson) ex lying about the dress (tea cups and knives, trash got picked up, bail paid 1 hr ago) her inferences can be off from what others tell her ("people always lie") but she can also come to the wrong conclusions organically (carsons trial) more willing to believe the best in others/wanting them to be innocent (think nick ep 1) but later finding out the truths hurts more so she chooses to isolate herself and avoid involving others to be spared pain

•maybe i'm dumb, but who is "mr marvin" exactly? owen? the bald guy from the funeral? this comes from the guy who takes sailboats out like ep 4ish and says "ive worked for the marvins 20 years" she compliments the ship, he says "mr marvin and i just took her out this morning" so?? who is that? plus last ep just saying cassidy and isaac are her "late husbands children" dows thet mean sebastian? like did diana marry in? i feel like it would be odd for her to so embrace the "marvin way" if she wasnt a true born marvin

•ik college becomes a more s2 topic but none of the crew have ever been to college 🤔

•nick + the relationships with people whose reputations are tarnished: tiffany with investigating the hudsons/marvins, josh with murder/attempted murder, kate and 'stealing'/lying about nancy (esp compared to her almost preternatural kindness i mentioned before), george and her mom/family's reputations --> this kind of segues into nick + the concept of believing people you love could be capable of horrific things- accidental or on purpose (see- having to tell his family what happened)

•at the beginning, nancy kind of seems to be the "i'm sorry you're upset" kind of apologist and knows it. she also doesnt usually apologize earnestly bc shes never really sorry (she always has to get what she needs first ie coins mess) and she doesnt want to lie; to me it seems she doesnt like to bother with other people bc they require certain cues/niceties that are often lies- they ask "how are you" without meaning it, they dont really want an honest response except "fine", they dont like it when you call them out on fakeness, etc/ they require apologies for their bruised feelings even if youre right (and nancy can be pretty rude/nasty if provoked- a harshness unsoftened by sympathy)

•cont'd from the good place ep- since kate apparently means nothing to nancy anymore according to last ep ("stop calling her my mother") is her policy of "always seek the truth" now null and void? this mantra is now tainted bc the person who gave it to her broke it so much. can nancy disengage w it now? does she fall from grace to be complicit in "mysteries" of her own like everyone else? does she lose some of her "god-like" holier than thou act bc she is now literally born and raised in the "darkness" of sins/ugly truths like everyone else's? (ie truth is ugly but not to nancy, until now)

•did lucy disappear because her "murder" was finally solved? or simply because her trauma was addressed- she never meant to tell anyone about her suicide plans, the twisted trauma of which was too great to contain/unable to move on due to "sin" - or unable to move on because secret of nancy's parentage still remained? "lucy never wanted me to figure out how she died" she only wanted nancy to figure out her parentage without solving the mystery, yet did lucy see/witness nancy's revelation at the claw, or with carson, or even ryan? waiting for karen/josh to know? or just vanished?

•concept of imperfect mom figures- lucy, kate, celia, victoria, even karen- who all struggle with failings

•since karen dispelled one of lucy's attempts at nancy's haunting at the garden party, is that proof she isn't haunting karen?

•the crew + needing adult help: george's possession and victoria, club busted and owen, car accident and mcginnis, thom and cipher, larkspur lane and sal, bones and john, agleaca and hannah

•everett is always sitting- at his home office, at dinner, at yacht club (wonder if that was his actor + had to do with his recasting?)

-dad talk-

•both her dads think negatively on her "girl detective" thing but ryan sees use in it as a means to get answers, carson would never 'use' her in that way

•nancy + carson : suffering

"what about what i wanted?" + carson being imprisoned for weeks but she immediately rejects him (the DAY he gets his freedom no less) with no regard to his suffering (caused by herdiary!!) in regards to her own from this new knowledge (she does suffer a lot- "almost dying is my new normal" but still)/ the "thankless job" of parenting

•nancy + adults - connected to cop thing a few posts earlier : nancy is v precocious and smart for her age- she is "old enough" but also has trouble with the "adults" in her life- fathers, moms, karen, and cops letting her down but depends heavily on "adults" she cantrust- hannah gruen, john sander, lisbeth- highlighting her youth and occasional naiveté; nancy is unafraid to hold adults accountable for their actions (ie karen) but also loses them as allies along the way. both hannah and john are very nonthreatening and also experts in their fields, while her fathers and karen are revealed to be "just another brick in the wall" average, capable of mistakes, and not the people she expects them to be, while characters like john and hannah can only benefit nancy because either they do not mean as much to her or have no reason/nothing to gain by lying; they are purposefully shown to be small, demure, gentle, and nonthreatening as foils/opposed to karen, ryan, and josh whom she previously trusted; carson (+kate) is nonviolent as well but has the biggest betrayal which is perceived as an act of violence to her very personhood/shattering who she thought she was so she cannot be that anymore (admits truths to john "everytime i dig i hurt everyone" and hannah-agleaca) : unclear if redemption is possible for anyone :

•nancy bonds with carson over loss and then ryan over haunting. but actually, nancy rejects carson over loss bc she wanted to say goodbye and wasnt allowed to- so carson was with kate but nancy was not. nancy and ryan are more equals about haunting bc they both start around the same time and conclude together as well [nancy and ryan bond over thinking their parents conspired to kill lucy- think sitting on the floor at velvet masque] nancy is appreciated by ryan for her ability to get answers- he has no qualms about going through her/outside of police bc he wants results/instant gratification and thinks nancy is more so the expert in her field/respects her even through her age- once again acknowledging she is braver than he is (think lucy + claw parking lot) and her portent in the car freaks him out bc shes usually always in control, esp with him

•bc nancy was told "you can't be afraid of the truth" until she was / ironic bc shes braver than him except when the truth is they are related then she's scared to tell him while he actually starts to take some initiative

•nancy picked "the wrong person" to help her through her grief in her dad's eyes like her mom's best friend was somehow a better choice? carson truly "parents" nancy even during grief and haunting (which she rejects) whereas nancy and ryan are really equals in all their situations which is actually better for her and easier for her to maintain- nancy's expectations are low so anything that ryan gives is a bonus. nancy's expectations of carson were shattered by his lies so now she has nothing to connect with him about- they could barely even connect when sharing the same grief- carson actually very hypocritical hence nancy's upset at karen revelation yet carson doesn't agree bc hes the "adult" and shes the "child" not realizing she hadnt been one for a long time (hidden staircase perhaps?) whereas ryan better treats her with lack of controlling parental nature bc he is impressed with her competence before he receives that knowledge; "lucy was smarter than me too" acknowledging her intellect negates his ability to "parent" ie control her to leave him solely with caring about her wellbeing in her situations + aftermath - i honestly dont think carson would ever admit that shes smarter than him* bc he thinks shes not "all grown up" yet ("youve kept me on the bench for years"); ryan is more willing to meet her where she's at which is so important for all her good relationships - ace, owen, etc

*carson asks for nancy to figure out "who to trust" in ep 12, finally admitting that she is useful/ie acknowledging that her skills/abilities do help, are necessary, and can in fact save lives --> this is then s2 follow up by working for him (but it takes him that long)

•ryan/nancy/carson venn diagram - using sex to escape trauma

•if not carson vs ryan then what about celia and everett vs patrice (and josh)? at this point in the narrative, do you think ryan's parents would take his side should the knowledge become public (without their involvement), or deny nancy?

•"we were a family" + the disruption of family dinner- kate was really the one holding that family together and her death makes it unsustainable

okay!! that's all folks! i have exhausted my plethora of nancy drew thoughts + knowledge. you will never have to hear from me again!! TYSSM 😘

[ohoshi]

okay so tbh i have only revealed my kpop love to select people in my life IRL...buuuut im working on being more open about it bc these boys give me so much laughter and joy and it's good to be excited about things!! yesterday my mom discovered kpop and i came running into her room to be like omg let me show you MY FAV GROUP NCT. she didnt seem to vibe with the songs i showed her but honestly i get that cuz sometimes for me, i listen to an NCT song and im like ehhh but then i keep listening and im like wait this song is actually so good (this has happened with kick it, limitless, maw, work it...to name a few)

omg also yes i am familiar with tsundere and anime terminology!! i do watch anime - not as much as i used to, but i still enjoy a good anime :)) some of my favs are hunterxhunter, toradora, fmab, my hero academia, anohana...wow how many am i gonna name, anyway if you dont watch a lot of anime pls feel free to disregard this paragraph and we can continue talking about kpop lmao

HAHA i love that yes taeil go pursue your dreams (winwin) i support you 💕wait i also love that rj just says stuff straightforwardly!! like i think on some show (was it weekly idol?) he literally said, yea the company wants me to have an innocent image (but i'm not)...and i think one time a saseang fan called jeno during a vlive and rj literally took the phone immediately and was like can you stop calling...go renjun! but yea i feel like during their awsaz ep doyoung was kinda scared cuz hes kinda soft lmao (not a bad thing) but i loved the chaos in their eps!!

i liked awsaz!! for me, some eps were definitely funnier than others lol but i really like the concept and it's something only nct can do! the jaehyun/jisung ep was prob my second favorite even tho i cringed a lot but in the best way possible. i would LOVE to see them continue doing awsaz with wayv members!! like the ep with winwin/jisung (and henderey/haechan hosts) was so great!! also lmao jisung is just awkward with everybody, they could literally make a whole awsaz show with just jisung 😂 (also a side note: i love how he is still the maknae even after sungchan/shotaro joined haha he will always be our NCT baby 🥺)

as for what i didnt like...dont hate me but some of the missions were a little...slow for me? like in some eps when they just take the selfies and decorate it in the book i kinda skimmed those parts 😅 i think it would be cool if they had more missions that require them to actually do things with each other (i guess kinda like icebreakers lmao even tho i personally hate icebreakers) - like in the winwin/js episode, they involved the hosts and had them do some drawing thing that was funny. but actually i guess it also depends who the hosts are, i feel like some host combinations are funnier (whether bc of their chemistry with the participants or each other) so maybe that can't really be controlled

oooh wait one of my close friends is also a taurus!! love that haha (i dont rly take horoscopes super seriously (even tho i do think im kinda a virgo) but theyre interesting to look at)

i have some svt songs in my kpop playlist (i love hug (it’s so calming) and also my my)!! i think i kinda looked into them back in like 2016 but i wasnt rly a kpop fan back then, i will check them out now cuz i love me a talented and chaotic kpop group :))

p.s. for my ss gift hehe do you have any specific things you'd want me to gif? otherwise i will do something based on our conversations (which i think makes it mildly obvious who i'm gonna gif)!! also pls forgive me my giffing skills could be better but i try my best and they are 100% certified made with love 💖

ohh i understand that! my irl friends judge me for loving kpop so much (not all of them) but, frankly, i couldn’t care less because there’s nothing wrong with loving kpop so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ my mom, however, puts up with me and my kpop obsession very well tbh she does pay attention when i show her their stages and songs and even some funny content~ and so far she loves jaehyun, minghao(svt) and jisoo(bp) the most (all 3 for their visuals lmaoo) dhagfdshgad as far as the music goes, she reeeeeally loves from home 🥺 (tho i really love those overproduced hype songs, so for me it’s not hard to vibe with them right from the start lmao and esp kick it and maw those were love at first sight! here’s a funny story related to kick it: as you already know i’m a dancer and bc i immediately fell in love w kick it i learned the whole choreo for that song, usually i only know chorus or the dance points, and my mother watched me and she said i was really good i could fit well in 127 ghdafgds ahhh what an ego boost thanks mom everyone should have you as their mom tbh)

no way!!! you love anime!! aaa i’m excited now!!! when i was younger i watched a lot of anime and i mean a LOT; i’ve seen everything you listed here! lmao not my proudest moment... i also really love hxh!!!! i also remember loving code geass, tengen toppa gurren lagann, neon genesis evangelion and even the gundam series (i’m a simple person i see mecha and i fall in love immediately lmao even my fav cartoon of all time is the one i watched when i was like 5-7?? it was a korean manhwa, hamos the green chariot, which is also about the big robots djahsd)  + all the shoujos lmao (nana best shoujo ever) i also really loved kuroko no basuke and fairy tail????? and all the popular ones (ie naruto, bleach, pokemon etc)

ohh i know that moment when he called the sasaeng out for bothering jeno hgafdagjdgah ICONIC we stan a legend 🤧✊

yeah i agree that some episodes were funnier than the others and some missions were just boring  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ but it’s okay i guess majority of the ep is still interesing!! omg same!! i love jisung he is so precious and it would be amazing if he just stayed the maknae of nct until the end! (highly unlikely i guess but a girl can dream) they could definitely make a spin off awsaz - jisung and nct and it would be so funny lmaoooo and winwin is an awkward cutie as well so!! 🥰🥰 

>they involved the hosts and had them do some drawing thing that was funny; my thoughts exactly!!!! it would be so great if they keep involving hosts lmao it would be funnier and more interesting; and yeah some hosts combinations were definitely better than the others (lowkey disappointed that jaemin didn’t get the chance to be the host lmao wonder how would that look) i think that one of the reasons dy/rj and js/jh eps were so good is bc markhyuck and cl/jw were amazing hosts lmao

ahh me neither!!! i’m not too serious about horoscope, i used to read about astrology for the fun of it lmao and yeah taurus and virgo is a great combination so !!!!

AHHH I’M SO GLAD YOU LOVE HUG it’s one of my favorite songs 🥺 do it santa you won’t regret!! their music is soooo good!!!!! and the performances are next level 

p.s. you can gif whatever you want!! and i’m sure it’ll be great! <3 don’t be to pressured, even if you can’t make it it’s completely okay, i understand, you don’t have to! these conversations we’ve been having are the best gift already! i really cherish them! 🤗💚

p.p.s AHH I LOVE MFAL TOO (shocking) and ikr??? THEY GREW UP SO MUCH 😭 but esp jisung???? he reeeally changed omg!!! and chenle!!! now they look all grown up i’m 🤧 emotional

[vampire-core]

okay for the hcs thing: the dragonets of destiny, ruby and nan, all of the ib squad, and uhhhthe pmmm cast if u want?? :3c

NICE ty babe!!!!!!!!

send me a character and i’ll answer!

(note: im kin w glory, mary, madoka, sayaka, and mami so this might be a lot of kin-based shIT SDFHSDKLF)

CLAY

A: what I think realistically

he is Boft (buff and soft) and also Lorg and if u are his friend and cold just tell him and he will drape his fuckin wing around u and curl up with you. he has at least 3 dragons cuddling with him when he sleeps

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

hes super bad at predicting jokes so he’ll fuckin CRACK UP at the worst fuckin joke u tell. he’ll also eat ANYTHING on a dare. even dirt or a handful of pebbles, thanks GLORY

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

hes actually got mental health shit goin on (depression/anxiety/prob ptsd/prob a pd) but he thinks he Has to be strong for the other dragonets bc theyre all fucked right up and he needs to be the strong support so he feels like he really Cant let himself break down at all, and it causes a Lot of pent-up sadness/anxiety/etc which he has No way of getting out

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

clay is aro/ace and in a qpp with all the dragonets. let him be not het?

TSUNAMI

A: what I think realistically

tsunami is fuckening BUFF as HELL. like. she can kick ur ass ur friends ass ur moms ass her OWN ass she doesnt care shes SUPER buff she will kick everyone in the THROAT she is FIERCE and PROTECTIVE and STRONG

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

when darkstalker first busted out of the mountain (like a nut) she straight-up decked him in the snout. just fucken. P U N C H

it hurt her claws and she almost cried but tried to play it off as “im crying out of my own coolness”

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

shes always felt like glory hates her bc of how snarky and rude they are and like?? they logically know they dont but like. what if and she cant just ask them bc thatd be rude and glory would probably make a joke out of it, so shes stuck believing one of her supposed best friends secretly hates her and she doesnt know how to deal

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

SHES BI AS HELL let tsunami be bi and trans and have a gf…….

GLORY

A: what I think realistically

theyre used to not eating a lot and kinda always being hungry bc yknow no sunlight in the caves but they assumed it was like? normal? and being in the sun was like……. holy shit im finally Full…….. and they dont actually eat a lot but when they do its usually fruits bc they dont actually like meat all that much

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

they can do spot-on impressions of SO many dragons, including but not limited to: the guardians, the other dragonets, fatespeaker, queen coral, riptide, morrowseer, and probably more and they love being able to say “im a pretty princess” while sounding almost exactly like kestrel

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

theyre rlly rlly good at hiding bc they HAD to be when the guardians got Pissed, so now when anyone is Vaguely mad at them they manage to find a way to hide and its near-impossible to find them, which has pppprob scared the other dragonets mny times

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

glory is genderfluid and gay and whom the Fuck is deathbringer?

STARFLIGHT

A: what I think realistically

he has some p bad anxiety so his Counting/Observing Things thing is a comfort mechanism of sorts that hes always really done. in the caves all he had to observe was rocks, torches, and scrolls but once he got Out he had so much that it was overwhelming. hes rlly good at describing things in writing due to this

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

hes always been SUPER clumsy so now that hes blind hes kind of just. tripping on everything. he fell off the side of a cave once at the academy and screamed and waited for death until he remembered that he is a dragon who can fly

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

abt the observing thing: now that hes blind, he cant do that, and it was his main comfort mechanism. so now during anxiety attacks, he has a rlly hard time calming down bc he cant just start observing whats around him, it doesnt WORK like that

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

HES ARO AND GAY AND IN A QPP WITH FATESPEAKER AND ALSO THE DRAGONETS FUCK YOU

SUNNY

A: what I think realistically

she has adhd!!! she has adhd-ph so shes always fidgeting/bouncing around/flying to try and get her energy out. clay, tsunami, and glory also have adhd and try to help her out whenever they can!! she loves to bake, but it takes a LOT of waiting, so its kinda hard on her

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

she can be REALLY FUCKING LOUD when she wants to be, which NOBODY expects. normally she uses it for singing, or to startle people. she likes to be Loud while imitating kestrel, marching around and looking all Serious

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

shes always felt Really ignored and, esp for someone who pprob has dpd traits, its rlly heartbreaking bc like. she doesnt feel wanted and she doesnt feel like she gets any attention and shes just!!!!!!! aaaagh

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

shes aroace and in a qpp w fatespeaker heck you

RUBY

A: what I think realistically

she was prob legally blind but not Fully blind before the glen, but she was admitted bc her sight was getting progressively worse and she couldnt continue to be an electrician, her job

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

“hey tom remember that time i fucken stabbed u” “lol remember that time u pushed stitches off a balcony, killing him instantly”

“tom if u dont shut up this second about furries i will stab u again” “…….nya” “im gettin my fucken knife tom”

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

she lives w a lot of guilt over killing tom and regularly has nightmares abt it, and even tho he assures her everything is fine she still regrets it so much but doesnt know how to make it Right in her mind

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

SHES BI AND AGENDER AND HER TOM AND JAY ARE POLY

NAN

A: what I think realistically

shes always been Super chubby, and she generates a llot of heat both bc Fur and bc Chub, so when her friends get Cold all u have to do is snuggle up next to her and ur instantly rlly warm now

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

kim teaches her how to dab and calls it a symbol of respect, and so whenever nan meets someone she rlly respects she just dabs as kim cracks up

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

she keeps a journal bc her memory is Shit but shes still constantly worried that shes writing it wrong, esp bc shes usually dissociating enough that she cant remember what happened, and sometimes its bad enough to warrent a breakdown/panic attack

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

look shes aro/pan/genderfluid i dont make the rules. also shes autistic

IB

A: what I think realistically

they know a little bit of asl bc theyre mute, and they carry around a notebook to write in when they cant sign. bc of this, they have rlly good handwriting and are also p good at miming stuff when they need to

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

they accidentally learned how to swear in asl, so whenever garry sees them doing so and doesnt know what it means (and then asks) he almost starts crying when they calmly show him the word “fuck” written in their notebook

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

they have rlly bad nightmares and is ppprob misdiagnosed due to ppl thinking the gallery Wasnt Real, doesnt get proper help, and lives w guilt over what happened and has NO clue how to cope

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

look. theyre nb and pan. im not saying this is a hc im saying this is canon. theyre not cishet

GARRY

A: what I think realistically

hes pprob around?? late 20s-early 30s, so its kiiiinda awkward maintaining contact w ib at first, but then he becomes a Family Friend and babysits so its all chill

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

hes PETRIFIED of spiders and the one time he tried to be brave and take one outside for ib he screamed, dropped it, and nearly cried.

ib is capable of disposing of spiders in the way garry prefers (domnt kill them) and does so calmly as garry sits on the counter and screams

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

he feels rlly guilty after the gallery and has NO idea how to cope, so he ends up drinking a bbbbit too much and hes also not rlly able to help ib, which makes him MORE guilty, and its kinda just a spiral of depression

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

hes trans and also adopts ib and mary and theyre a happy family

MARY

A: what I think realistically

she has NO CLUE what most things taste like, but someone let her try a cherry cough drop once, and now she just rlly wants to eat that fake cherry flavor again

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

she knows how to say various swear words and looked garry in the eyes and said “FUCK!!!” once and he nearly started sobbing on the spot

also she doesnt know much abt numbers and thinks that since shes 9 and garrys 20-30 and 2-3 are less than 9, shes older than him and In Charge

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

she died in pain and thinking her only friend hated her, feeling deeply betrayed :’)

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

GARRY ADOPTS HER AND IB AND THEYRE A FAMILY also shes a lesbian

MADOKA

A: what I think realistically

shes rlly good at drawin!!!! she doodles a lot in class to help her focus, plus she just rlly likes to draw, so she ends up bein rlly talented!!! she esp likes to draw her friends bc like. why not???

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

everyone expects her to be terrified of bugs and sayaka to be the brave one killing them when in reality its sayaka sprinting away as madoka calmly takes it outside and goes “dont worry its okay!!!!! :D”

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

she feels rlly inferior to everyone and, along with being shy, thinks shes honestly useless to a team. its not that she hates herself, its that she thinks shes rlly boring and doesnt have much going for her, and she has no clue how to help or communicate this

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

she and sayaka are DATING theyre GFS also madoka has dpd

SAYAKA

A: what I think realistically

shes mega bi. shes bi. she is just. bi. her first crush was wonder woman and she prob liked hitomi at one point. shes the one friend who gets crushes on EVERYONE, and i mean everyone

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

when she gets bored, she makes up random stories in her head and narrates whats going on in the lives of passerby, and now she has a huge elaborate universe thats like a soap opera in her head. she has a theme song and everything

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

she has bpd but no clue what that IS or how to COPE, so being a magical girl was ppprob a rlly bad idea due to the lows bpd comes with, esp since she based her wish on a person/fp. so she was?? p much destined to fall into despair, even if it wasnt over kyousuke

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

SHES!!!!!!! DATING!!!!!!!! MADOKA!!!!!!!

MAMI

A: what I think realistically

shes a rlly organized person so mess just Ticks her Off, and she spends most of her time just making sure everything is clean. its kinda a comfort mechanism at this point??? like it just makes her feel better

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

shes constantly trying 2 pick up on the current slang and be Cool w the Kiddos these days but shes always at least 3 steps behind

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

she has dpd but since she lost her parents and kyoko abandoned her, shes had nobody to depend on, which kinda sucks? bc like. shes constantly second-guessing herself and has no clue what shes doing and feels so alone

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

shes trans gay and dating kyoko

KYOKO

A: what I think realistically

shes SUPER good at sneaking around/stealing things and lvoes to startle/prank her friends w this bc like??? oh shit sayaka is ur phone missing who couldve took it, oh look madoka got a text from u wonder who sent it

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

she once ate an entire bowl of sugar on a dare from sayaka and got the WORST stomach ache for a day and half, but claimed it was worth it

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

shes always been rlly underweight and manages to steal food Sometimes, but has probably been caught and hurt for doing so

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

A LESBIAN DATING MAMI

HOMURA

A: what I think realistically

shes RLLY talented in a lot of areas due to the many timelines, but shes never rlly grasped the arts?? ie drawing, writing etc, and she has NO clue how madoka does it, what the hell

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

its RLLY hard to make her laugh but she can and WILL crack up if you look her in the eyes and say “egg”

on a similar, note, she once said “i want kyoko to vore me real good” completely straight-faced, deadpan

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

she has a LOT of trauma she could never rlly talk abt w anyone, esp a therapist, due to the timelines so shes rlly not coping at all in the slightest

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

shes GAY and prob dating hitomi

[dearhummingbird]

3, 12, 14 xx

3. rant. just do it

ok this was a draft from when Bon Appetit was going down the drain and i was extremely annoyed and bothered by how the discussion about it was being held in this all-women Slack group i’m in. it really mostly comprises of extremely rich white mid-20year olds who only used to shop at Reformation and only use Glossier/Golde/Milk Makeup/Kosas products. a lot of it probably wont make sense unless you kept up to date with what went on with BA, but two things that i want to note is that 1) i don’t like the me who calls people crazy and goes ??????? when others share wildly different opinions from me, even when i think those opinions are flat out wrong. it’s language that im trying to change bc i also do it when im even mildly annoyed at people, which is bad. that’s one reason why i didnt initially post this here bc i was abit ashamed. idk if thats right or wrong but ya. 2) i didnt share this earlier bc while i still stand by what i said about Gaby being an immigrant status i was and am afraid of being called out as insensitive or wrong. it would be nice to hear opinions about this, if anyone has any at all. but yes, it is very long and very passionate, please dont mind......

this is with regards to the BA drama and the Slack group i mentioned here awhile ago. the people there are so...????? not only is their cancel culture ugly but their flimsy explanations and lack of care for their words just makes everything that comes out of their mouth performative. there’s a whole thread with 150++ messages about the BA situation and i said i was sorely disappointed with Gaby’s willy nilly response to the initial Sohla uprising. for context, Gaby is Argentinian, is BA’s test kitchen manager as well as the oldest member of the BA universe. she posted a story saying: “Hey guys! I am not one for following what the heck is going on! You know me, I do my own thing! I cook and be happy! 💚🌈 💚🌈 💚🌈” while the BIPOC members of BA were risking their jobs by going public about the systemic racism within Conde Nast. the white members of BA had stood in solidarity(🤔) with the BIPOC members, and Gaby is the only one who chose to bow out of all of it. someone replied saying maybe its bc Gaby’s an immigrant, like their mom, who was afraid to get involved in politics of any sorts because doing so in her time meant death. please tell me if im being insensitive but i think thats a grossly biased biography to impose on someone else, esp w such a clearly tonedeaf “💚🌈💚🌈” response at a time like that. i replied that and said yknow what, maybe thats true, maybe its not, but Gaby couldve read the room and given a much more neutral response even if she didnt care about it. THEN someone else replied saying they agreed with the previous person - “[i think] people are being too harsh on her. She is of a different generation who perhaps doesn’t grasp the role of social media in this movement. How can we expect her to condemn her EIC in the most thoughtful, politically correct way, when English is not her first language and the US is not her first country?” ???????? just saying Gaby doesnt “get it” bc shes old and an immigrant? i thought it was wholly condescending and fired back saying Gaby has mentioned being in the states fr a very long time and she knows how to put up highlights on instagram ffs, shes tech and English savvy. i also said Gaby’s language was very telling and tonedeaf “i do my own thing”. then the person replied saying “oh i didnt mean it like that, her response to me was representative of tbings we’ve heard from our own immigrant families right? “A lot of survival as an immigrant is tied to “I do my own thing” and that is inherently privileged while being a victim of the white supremacist system at the same time” 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔 i did not like the “right?” super annoying rally tactic like actually debate w me dude. and if she hadnt meant to say Gaby didnt “get it” maybe she shouldve worded her thoughts far more carefully. also um..? i understand what youre saying but my whole point is Gaby shouldve been more careful with her words. pegging all of this onto her immigrant status, while may be right, seems so¿ what if Gaby didnt give a fuck, just like she shows she doesnt in her words? then what? like? am i crazy?? then i said i‘d rather she had said nth at all if she was gonna hang her members to dry. THEN THE PERSON RESPONDED, “LETS BE REAL [INSERTS BA’S WHITE MEMBERS] ARENT GNA LOSE THEIR JOBS” ????? I was very clearly talking about the BIPOC members...... why would i talk abt the immune white members..... she mustve barely read anything i said!!!

then w regards to the Delaney situation, some of them were like “he was in college when he used the queer slur?? when i was in high school everyone already knew better than to say it” “19???? way too old to be saying shit like that” sure he shouldve known better but age should not be the issue here. + Delaney has been one of the most vocal BA members abt BLM! hes clearly changed as a person, if not is at least one willing to learn frm mistakes! people were hunting him down on twitter, screenshotting shit frm 2012. they called him a coward fr deleting his twitter and tumblr - but whats the point of digging fr more shit to say “yes Delaney was indeed a bigot frat boy” when you already have a handful. i never knew what cancel culture was until this. other things theyve said include “🚫 no more conde nast 🚫 society has moved past the need for conde nast / ugggghhhhhh damn it, it’s my fault for thinking a white man could be unproblematic” howww. Later on Brad said he would quit if they fired Delaney and everyoneeee was like “duh Brad’s an outdoorsy white man 🥴🥴” ??? 1. THATS A DUMB STATEMENT TO MAKE 2. THE PERSON WHO POSTED THIS IS ALSO WHITE. what if Brad will quit bc Delaneys a friend????? then what? 85% of the BA team is white, Carla and Molly went to Italy while Chaey wasnt even paid fr the Thanksgiving series, Claire gets something crazy like 20k for every gourmet makes, and Molly was the chummiest member with Rapo, and you’re saying “duh Brad’s an outdoorsy white man”?? get your shit together

ok last one is when in response to my point about how Molly was so friendly w Rapo that she was the only one who‘d snap at Rapo as if he wasnt the scary prissy boss the same girl who said Brad is an outdoorsy white man said “oh i actually saw that as a personal coping mechanism against Rapo’s toxicity!!” i really died

[ilygsd]

241018: 4

you know those pathetic abstinence posts i wrote when i ”took a pause” from him?

yeah uhh........ im trying my hardest not to weite smth equally as cringy but i cant help. i catch myself looking at the few pictures ive taken/screenshoted of him, imagine his smell wow and thats really smth that hits me. ive said it before, i even admittet it but sometimes when im outside, at the busstop or whatever and theres a gust i can suddenly get very very excited like my heart goes WOOP for a second and then i realize FUCK its just another male perfume lmao. like i didnt know i likes perfumes until met him. a crazy thought would be for me to buy his perfume and then just use it for all my clothes and my bed to feel safety. thats fucked up. idk why but peoples smell have always been very important to me

i always used to exchange shirts with my precious boyfriends. or not exchange i just stole their shirts. i used to have like up to 5 of my exs shirts and it sucked ass to give then back to him when we broke up lol.

i did find it interesting though because of jo wearing perfume i didnt know what his ”original” scent was like. i still dont really know, but i think i lile the mix of his perfume and his own smell like after we’ve cuddled or had sex i could feel him on my skin. i think it was a mix. bed and clothes are usually pretty reliable but his clothes are perfume and the bed is sometimes like.... idk what to say.... old? lol

ah fuck anyways i miss him. i miss him much and i catch myself thinking good about himmm. thoughts i dont want to tinkkkk. thoughts like ”maybe i overreacted, maybe it wasnt that bad”. im actually not hurt anymore, just anxious. for him leaving i guess. or me making a fool out of myself. im just stubborn. i wish he could apologize and if we will continue to see each other i will tell him why. he probably wont agree though and i will have to give up/accept that. because this whole relationship is on his fucking terms

i also realized that i really was desperate before i met him. it doesnt feel like it because now he occupies most of my thoughts bit when i read my precious posts here it was a lot of frustrated feelingd about adoption, racism and my ex. idk..... maybe i’d rather think of him than any of tjat cus that sjit is just sad to read. i guess stjis is too though. so fucking obsessed its crazy

i read smth about bpd splitting and idolizing and devaluating etc which i will get back to later but there was this pattern and i just.... could relate a lot. i either love or hate him. i wish i could see him for who he was. i dont only hate him and im not only being manipulated but i want to believe i actually do like him. i just have a hard time accepting who he is which is sad because in many ways he accepts me for who i am. he even tries to be empathic for me, its just not enough. especially not when he loses his sjit.

bow i feel like i have to appreciate him more again but i never do. and thats the problem with me, i never do. actions before words as he says. i will have to change my my actions. o wonder if hes fond of CBT, cognitive behavior therapy hmmm. my mim is a psychoanalysds so i always thought about that but idk

i do like him. he’s very handsome, i am very attracted to him physically. idk if im just horny bc ive repressed my sexuality for a couple of years or so now lmao but i really could go up to him and ask him to just fuck me honestly. but i want to get to know him better too. and his mom LMAO. no but honestly, i want to get to know him better. especially how he thinks. what he likes, what he diskukes. i want to do things with him and make him things, make him smile, make him relax and make him feel pleasure.

yeah uhhh i almost sucked his dick??? and i really dont do that i dont like dicks esp bot sucking on them thats fucking disgusting but honestly i was just so caught up in the moment and i just wanted him to feel good and i was just so attracted to him so.... yeah. it wasnt for long though cus im insecure and inexperienced and the sex probably sucked for him even though he came idk but i was surprised by myself

i still catch myself thinking of how he can be very cute and caring. he always asked if i was okay, if i was ready or uncomfortavle. that i could always tell him if it was too mich. he did pressure me a little bit to mutual masturvation but he accepted when it didnt work for me. i was so tense tbh. if i had tried a little bit longer it would probably have worked though.

sometimes i want to be close and you can tell the way my bldy communicages. like when we talk over a coffee and his knew touches mine or he takes my hand or let me nudge his shoulder or fuck up his hair a bit even though it obviously annoyed him.

i see myself as a little puppy sometimes. an emo puppy lol. a depressed puppy. and sometimes i see him as my older brother. idk. apprently his mom thought i was like a sister. i neve runderstiod if he meant sister to her or sister to him.... i guess shim?? yeah thats pretty weird considering we were fucking when she was home LMAO omg that was so embarrassing im so awkward ughhhh. i didnt even thank her for the food 😩 until it was time to leave and jo was like ”uh she’s leaving i follow her to the busstop” and she said ”okay bye” and i was like ”thx-for-the-food-that-for-letting-me-stay-goodbye-ily-stay-safe” not really bit basically ugh. and i had/have a cold too so my voice is all raspy and low like morgan freeman abeushwisbso

fuck now i REALLY miss him. its scary when he ignores me. im so used to him messaging me all the time and i know that he and other aspds want wouldnt do something they dont want/gain. at first i was offended by that fact. offended and scared but now i feel flattered. sure i may only be a study ibject to him but hes kind to me. he’s romantic to me instead of just friendly so i guess he finds me somewhat attractive. he pickdd me because he thinks i can give him something? that actually means a lot because i am useless lol and no one ever wants me for anything. i wonder what it is though. my sensitivity only seems to brother him though, and my overthinking. and i overthink all the time im with him. you dont know how mich we fight and bicker. i wish he wanted my love but hes not interested in that. i could give him my love for sure. it would be intense and passionate. the only love he wants is sexual lol not emotional

ughhh idkkkk. i’ll have to find my old adoption documents too to see if im tested for HIV and shit so i can contact him LMAO idk what to do though cus i booked a time to get myself tested bit idk if i want to anymore..... i would do it for him though. worst thing would be if he dissed me because of me not being tested yet. but that wouldnt really make any sense because he actually tried to liggten the mood and make a joke so i guess he actually ”forgave” me. i wonder if he would forgive me for still oushing his buttons and demanding things from him

[anything-advice-blog]

[TIME SENSITIVE / URGENT] toxic friend

i kno u guys must get like thousands of messages and im so sorry for cluttering ur inbox and pushing this to the front of the line but im just. desperate and really scared and i need to know what 2 do abt this as soon as possible!!! also as a preface i apologize in advance if some of the way i word things in this come off as offensive or incorrect, etc - i truly, genuinely do not mean any harm so please feel free to correct me if i say something that isnt okay!!! also this is REALLY scattered and mega long so bear with me im really sorry! (also im so. so scared the person in question is gonna see this o H MY GOD so i may need to message this blog again asking for this post to be taken down maybe bc im really paranoid im so sorry!! i hope thats ok but i just dont want to risk her seeing this if this all blows up in my face ohrkjdghkjghfdgj!!!) (TW: SUICIDE MENTION, SELF HARM MENTION)

ok so. almost 2 years ago in early 2016 this girl i’d never met before drew me this incredible gift art for my birthday. we started talking and we found out we have a lot of things in common - we both draw and write, we’re just a few months apart from each other in age, we have similar interests and fandoms, n we live less than an hour away from each other and are one state away from one another - so we immediately hit it off n became super close friends. she was amazingly talented n super friendly and nice n stuff so i wanted 2 be friends w her anyways!!!!! @ the time she was in an online relationship with someone several years older than her who lived across the country, and she mentioned a few times she was feeling unhappy and insecure in that relationship and that long distance was really difficult but she was too devoted to her partner to break it off. the most important thing 2 note is that my friend has several severe untreated mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, ocd among others), regularly self harms, and is suicidal. im pretty sure im neurotypical (or at least i definitely am not suicidal / depressed, etc), so while i couldnt relate to a lot of the things she was going through, i always tried to be a listening ear to her and give her advice / support when i could because i knew she was going through a lot of rough stuff. she told me she doesnt have any friends in real life, her parents are separated and her family does not support her or even really know / care about her mental health, and she can’t access any professional help from teachers / counselors / therapists due to her severe anxiety and financial issues for some of the latter options listed. as her relationship with her partner began to crumble, i started bearing a lot of the weight of her struggles - she would vent to me and i would always have to be there for her to support her. i told myself that because she was mentally ill and didnt have any support i would take on that role so she wouldnt have to suffer. over the summer of 2016 she almost attempted suicide like…. twice??? and i talked her out of it and it was terrifying and really exhaustimg to constantly be worried about her.

then almost a year ago, in the winter of 2016, she started getting… clingy? we started talking a lot more and i didnt really get like any bad vibes from her but we were pretty much joined @ the hip and stuff and we started telling each other all of our secrets (so this is when i found out her relationship with her girlfriend was starting to crumble, which i didnt previously know) also she started constantly drawing me stuff??? like Drowning me in gift art and i felt really bad for not being able to reciprocate but she told me not to worry and that she used art as a coping method and stuff. at this time, i was going through some stuff too - obviously not as severe as depression / self harming, etc, but i had just gotten out of an almost-relationship with someone i knew from school, and i was doing my best to distance myself from romance in general since i didnt feel mature or confident enough to be in a romantic relationship yet. i told my friend that i was uncomfortable about the prospect of being in a romantic relationship and she seemed to understand.

anyways right around my birthday this year she revealed to me that she was madly in love with me (???!!?!?!?!?!!?!!?). mind you we had never even talked to each other / video called or ANything like that and we had only sent each other One (1) selfie and. it made me really uncomfortable because she said that like i was her moon and stars and her whole world and everything and she constantly dreamed of me??? and that she had been secretly like writing me love poetry and drawing me Even More Art i didnt even know about and…… it was. really overwhelming. it bothered me for so many reasons besides the fact that we had never communicated outside of like chatting / sending messages back nd forth like…. ok she was still in that long distance relationship at the time even though it was crumbling, and she KNEW!!! that i was uncomfortable about romance but she told me anyways and stuff!!!!!! and AHHH it was just really bad. so i panicked over it for a day or two because i was scared that if i Firmly Said No that she would spiral into a depressive episode and actually fatally harm this time but i wrote her this huge long letter letting her down very, very, VERY gently and apologizing for ever leading her on and stuff. and. she never actually wrote back to that letter or told me that it was okay???? which….. should have been a red flag 2 me but. we moved on as friends even though we did this conscious of the fact that she still loved me like that and i didnt feel the same way. looking back on it i regret it so much because i told her that like i would Always Be There For Her Forever and stuff and??? gfkjhgk yeah it wasnt a good time.

its been almost a year since then. in the spring i got my first smartphone and we added each other on a lot of social media stuff including snapchat and moved all our conversations there, then we decided to call each other and exchange phone numbers and see how that worked. i didnt really think much of it and was excited to hear her voice and have a conversation with her but…….. suddenly that one call turned into two and two turned into three and within a few weeks we were calling each other like All The Time (at least once a week if not more) and like making these really fucking elaborate schedules to call each other????? WHICH LIKE i dont think is a normal thing friends do idk if im wrong but!!!!! i literally call None of my other friends except for her, and a lot of that is bc i actually get really anxious and uncomfortable talking on the phone?? (also not to mention my mom doesnt really like me talking on the phone either….) but i never really told her that it made me uncomf or that it was difficult to mnge like i guess it just kinda.. Happened and became the norm. so now on top of constantly messaging each other multiple times a day now we were calling frequently too and there was suddenly a lot more pressure in our relationship because i had to stress out over making a large amount of time in my day to talk to her. i graduated high school this spring and having to balance the extreme emotional load of that major change with like… suddenly having to fall all over myself to make time to talk to this girl i didnt even really know?? was just really bad and i regret it so much because i feel like i missed out on fully experiencing it i guess. im really really passive and im TERRIFIED of confrontation and i dont like saying no to people or telling them if im uncomfortable because They Will Get Mad At Me and it was especially worse bc of my friend’s mental health and so she and i would talk for hours on end because i was afraid that if i got tired and ended the conversation without a legitimate excuse she would get mad at me and hurt herself. since we could fit way more conversation into like… long long hours of talking and talking, we ended up like. just telling each other literally Everything and she “eventually” fell out of love with me and started trying to meet people who she actually knew irl to date!! which was. kinda good bc she met this one girl and they hit it off but then it turns out she was just….. queerbaiting my friend??? which Sucked so that obviously didnt work out. and then she met another girl on this dating app and they started going out and my friend started talking to me less for a little while. it turns out though……. that my friend’s new girlfriend lives in my town??? like i dont know her but bc of that my friend and i almost met in person bc the two of them met up and went out together and stuff and they were gonna drop by and see me but that didnt work out. im getting off topic here but my point is……… she told me she wasnt in love with me anymore and she started seeing other people.

sadly she and her gf recently broke up. their relationship was also really unhealthy just like…… All Of Her Relationships and that other girl broke up with my friend because she said she needed space (she was depressed too and needed to recover and my friend was being too clingy and attention seeking and stuff so she just ended it in the middle of the night over text.) ofc ive stuck around for all of this and my friend has vented about every tiny detail of this relationship to me and its…. been So Stressful. now that shes single again she’s more depressed than ever - over the summer when she was dating that other girl she stopped self harming but she started again when their relationship started going south and now im really scared she’s gonna hurt herself, esp bc she tried to commit suicide again a few months ago which was terrifying. also another thing thats made me REALLY uncomfortable!!!!!!!! is that she Keeps Bringing Up the fact that she was in love with me whenever we talk on the phone??? like Every Single Time We Talk, Without Fail. even when she was talking abt her new gf with me sh was like. comparing her attraction to her gf to her attraction to Me and talking abt how they were similar and different and. i never had the guts to tell her it bothered me but god it just does So So Much!!!!! because we were never in a real relationship and she doesnt even really know me KDSJFHKHGAHHH im rambling so much this makes no sense at all and this is so long im so sorry ahhhh but im… Stressed!

so….. we’re running up on two years since we’ve met and one year since she told me she loved me. im in college now and she’s still in high school, and she’ll be i college next year too. again, i dont think that im depressed or mentally ill, but ive been struggling a LOT with the adjustment from hs to college and its been really really rough on me emotionally. now that my friend is single she’s been solely relying on me and trying to get me to call her multiple times a week because she needs the extra support now that she doesnt have her girlfriend anymore… but she doesnt seem to understand that i i just dont have enough time or energy to give all of myself to her and fall all over myself to make her feel better, especially when i already feel suffocated by her to begin with AND when im suppposed to be starting this new life and putting all of my focus into that. we’re mutuals on every single social media i have and i feel like im constantly being crushed by guilt whenever i do anything for myself or post stuff bc she can see what im doing constantly. and like she asked me to turn my read receipts on when we started moving from snapchat to texting and i have them turned off regularly so i did and it was really uncomfortable. i keep bending myself over backwards to mke sure im making her happy bc im all she has left.

neither of us have good relationships with our moms and so we’re always sneaking around to call each other and lately ive been calling her at school because obviously my mom isnt there and its less of a hassle to sneak around her and and talk……. but its a double edged sword bc i keep having to isolate myself and skip clubs / studying / hanging out with friends and socializing to talk to her and listen to her vent and its just so exhausting and i feel like im starting to seriously fall behind in other areas of my life im supposed to be getting better in. its hard enough adjusting to this and missing high school and stuff and trying to learn how to be an adult and be independent, and having her weight over my shoulders just is making things so much worse. but if i tell her that she’s choking me she’ll hurt herself (she’s literally said to me, Multiple Times (and recently!!!) that if it werent for me she’d be dead by now or she would kill herself and stuff and im the only thing she’s living for at this point. which. i dont know how to feel about that). i feel so trapped and i can’t say or do anything that indicates that im uncomfortable because she’ll get mad at me and make these passive agressive little side comments or do these alarmed emoticons and stuff or give me the silent treatment for a day or two (which is always scary bc like its Good when she’s not talking to me but when she doesnt im scared that something horrible happened to her!!!!!) and its just. god. ive started lying to her and coming up with fake excuses to get out of calling her because the thought of having to go isolate myself in these empty courtyards or nooks and crannies of my college campus is growing more and more uncomfortable and terrifying to me and i just cant fucking be honest about it because i suck. when i talk on the phone with her i have to be really fake and smiley and stuff and all she does is ramble about how horrible things are going for her and then i have to try and give advice when i just am so bad at talking and socializing already and im dealing w my own stuff and its… Awful. im so so weighed down by this nd i know that if she knew she’s being a…. b*rden to me right now she would be devastated and harm herself and stuff so i cant say anything and im spiraling out of control with THI s but you get the point im just really uncomfortable Always!!!! and i feel like my own emotions are completely 100000% inferior to hers because she’s gone through so much more than me and stuff???? and idk if thats True or if its just the way i feel but i just cant do anything around her bc shes like a ticking time bomb and anything i feel or try to do to protect myself from getting hurt will be selfish bc shes hurting way mre than me!!!!!!!!

anyways her birthday just happened a couple weeks ago and i bought her a tiny present and drew her somehting (i felt super guilty about not doing More for it though because shes done so much for me and also literally nobody except me remembered her birthday, not even really her own family). i havent mailed it to her yet (i told her i would send it this weekend, which is why this is marked as urgent) but we just exchanged addresses for the first time so now she not only knows my name, my age, what i look like, my Entire Backstory Ft. My Deepest Darkest Secrets, and how to reach me whenever she wants wherever she wants, but now she knows Exactly where i live and where i go to school too lol yay!!! anyways im getting really really anxious because i just had my midterms for college and didnt talk to her for an entire week last week but this happened right after her gf broke up with her and i think shes mad at me for taking a week off of talking to her. we were gonna call again today but i weaseled my way out of it bc it was so overwhelming and now i have to mail her this gift this weekend and my mom and other fmily members are all yelling at me about it and demanding that i just like…. Not Send It To Her because i dont owe her anything and tht i should just cut her off but if i do she’ll hurt herself nd she follows me everywhere and knows all of my secrets and stuff and idk im just scared that if i end our friendship she’ll try to ruin my life!!!! Like i dont think she would be petty like that or turn people against me or anything but she’s so obsessed with giving all of herself to other people nd she’s literally said she cant function without being 100000% devoted to somebody and like even after she’s broken up with all these other girls she still…. is obsessed with them and angsts over them and stuff and she does that with me even though i never even dated her or anything aND ITS JUST bad

like. idk i just really needed to get all of that out and im sorry it was so so so long and i dont even know what to do but i guess i marked this urgent because like. do i send her the present???? should i try to just like quietly distance myself from her real subtly so she wont notice or should i just straight up tell her that i cant breathe around her anymore and i just. really need space??? or like to not be friends anymore even though we know everything about each other??? am i being manipulated or is it jsut All In My Head that our relationship is toxic??? like idk if i shoud even cut her off completely or aNYTHING or if we could like even go on being just acquaintances from now on and saying hi to each other from time to time. and i feel so mean and bad for writin all of thisstuff about her when i know shses so vulnerable and i havent concretely communicated Any discomfort around her so if she saw this she would immediately know it was about her and do something Terrible to herself nd she constantly spams me with memes about depression and wanting to die and like…. blows up my phone with like 50 text messages at once and its just so so so much to worry about and i!!! just!!!!!! cant function like this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH!!

anyways that was a huge disorganized mess and im kinda shaking and i dont even think i got all of it down or communicated how trapped and helpless i feel. ive never been in any situation like this before and i hate that she’s…. yeah. she’s really like manipulated me and stuff and i dont know how to get out of it. every time i think about it i feel like bursting into tears because im just so stuck and i dont even know if the way im feeling is even valid or if its all just lke. in my head or something and this is how friends really are Supposed to be because ive never really had a great social life either and my best friends are honestly my brother and sister and they mean everything to me and so i have friends outside of my family but like idk i never like. really was that close with any of them nad stuff nad idk this isnt about me BUT i just uhhh. am kinda crying a little bit and im sorry fo rbeig a big baby about all of this its all my fault for being a Human Doormat and letting people walk all over me nd tellin myself that i can bear that weight when i really have never taken good care of myself before Ever In My Life and stuff. but anyways im gonna stop rambling now and just… to whoever reads this or responds to this or whatever just thank you for hearing me out even if you think im wrong / crazy / Terrible for feeling this way because it just has been so much and i dont know what to do.

Hey there!

There's a lot going on here, but the bottom line seems to be this; you're in a friendship that you don't want to be in, and that you feel is unhealthy for you.

You are not her therapist. You can't fix her, you can't treat her, you can support her, but that's it. You aren't responsible for her. You're forcing yourself to put all this time and energy into something that you're super uncomfortable with, and don't want to be doing, and it's draining you and destroying your own mental health. You have to put yourself first. It's okay to want to help people, but you HAVE to put yourself first, or else you'll burn out and you won't be able to help anybody.

At the very least, you need to talk to her about how you're feeling, and tell her you need to tone down your relationship. What's happening absolutely isn't fair to you. All you can do to help her is your best, and right now, you're not doing your best because you're not taking care of yourself.

I know you're concerned about her hurting herself or killing herself, but you have to understand that you are not responsible for her. If she does something to herself, it's not as a result of your actions. She's traumatized and mentally ill, and those factors are what causes her to hurt herself. Not you. You are not and can not be responsible for her. Period. If she tells you she's going to kill herself or severely hurt herself, you have her address. Call 911 and ask them to dispatch help to her house. She might hate you for it, but an angry person is far, far better than a dead person. That action very well might save her life, and get her the help that she needs, so don't be afraid to do it.

As for the present, it's totally up to you. You did promise it to her, and fulfilling that promise might help you let her down a little bit more gently. At the same time, giving her a permanent reminder of you could hurt her. Maybe you should ask her? Tell her about how you're feeling and that you can't keep going with this intense of a relationship, and have a conversation about that. During that conversation, you could ask if she still wants the present. She might get angry, or it could help soothe her, or maybe she'll have a totally different reaction. It's hard to know.

This conversation is going to be super, super hard. It's going to be hell, quite frankly. She's a super sensitive person, and she's probably not going to take it well. So remember what I said before, about her not being your responsibility, and do a LOT of self care working up to the conversation and after the conversation. I'd recommend making a self care kit, and putting things in it that help calm you down. My personal self care kit contains nice smelling lotion, soft fabric, stuff to play with, gum, tea bags, and notes from friends reminding me that they love me. You could also be texting a friend during the conversation, so that they can reassure you and help talk you through it.

You may not be going through the same things she is, but your feelings and your struggles are valid. You don't need to destroy yourself to help someone that's "worse" than you are. You need to take care of yourself, and keep yourself as healthy as possible. You aren't any less valuable simply because you're not traumatized or self harming. Your mental health is important, and you need to do what's right for you.

I hope this helps!

♥ - Fawn