#enjoyed the video but i think especially because the last cards against humanity video was so funny this fell a tiny bit short for me

[notthatalex]

I'm always spreading my agenda. Always on the grindset

Some more thoughts in the tags if you want to hear me ramble for way too long about smosh games content

[theonewiththefanfics]

Give You Hell (one-shot)

Synopsis: When you’re in a relationship with someone famous while being famous it can be difficult. But not for the Reader and Harry, yet when her past comes knocking, she’ll make sure to know where she stands.

Pairing: Harry Styles x fem!Reader

Genre: fluff, some minor angst, like microscopic 

Warnings: swearing, reference to past abusive relationship, but nothing explicit.

Word count: 3428

100% inspired by ‘All American Rejects’’ ‘Gives You Hell’

Dating someone famous while being famous yourself had pros and cons, much like everything in life. The cons mostly came from the outside, not from the inside. It was the opinions of others, thinking what they said mattered, the scrutiny of the press, hoping one of them would mess up, and they could run some bullshit article just so their numbers could go up, without a second thought of how the people involved felt, and it was some jealous fans who didn’t seem to comprehend the people they admired were actual human beings with feelings and thoughts and emotions and autonomy. But other than that, Y/N’s and Harry’s relationship was just like any other. Save for when their emotions bubbled over, millions of people heard them in songs.        They’d met at the iconic yellow-suit-Harry Brit awards. She’d been right next to Hugh Jackman opening the show, a red glittering bodysuit with a black and gold ring-master jacket, a top hat adorning her head as she dominated the stage. If Harry had been sloshed at that point (much like he was later on, but who was Y/N to say, given how most of the night was a blur for her), he would’ve absolutely started drooling at the sight of her, and he was one of the thousands who stood up, hollering and clapping as she and Hugh ended their performance.

       Much to his dismay though, Y/N wasn’t one of the people assigned to sit by his table, instead, she was a couple of rows behind, whispering something into Billie Eilish’s ear, the two erupting into uncontrollable laughter.        He felt like a creep as he tried to catch every possible glimpse of Y/N, her smile making his heart race. She’d been on his radar for a while, had even thought about asking her to collaborate on a song for ‘Fine Line’, but at the end of the day, it was an album of personal discovery (and when one of his producers told him Y/N was halfway across the world in the middle of Norwegian woods for the next half-year working on her own music, he didn’t want to be a bother). But seeing her then, Harry wondered why he hadn’t reached out on his own, especially after at the after-party Lizzo had dragged Y/N to him and introduced the two.        The following day, pictures of them dancing together, drinks in hands and drunken grins on their faces would sweep the web, sparking millions of rumours, but, at that moment, they didn’t care, nor did they care about what was written because as Harry twirled Y/N under his arm, as much as the connection was there, that night they went their separate ways. Even when they were drunk, they understood that about the other person, and wouldn’t accept anything else, but a sober and coherent ‘yes’.        Sometime midday the next day, Harry reached out to Y/N through a DM on Instagram checking in on how she was doing, which then turned into a six-hour FaceTime call.        “What do you mean you’ve never had a hangover?!”        Y/N laughed at Harry’s almost offended expression. “I mean I’ve never had a hangover. I’ve never thrown up while drunk or after being drunk, my head’s never hurt – nothing. I mean I’m tired, but that’s because I’m still on New York time and got to bed at like five AM.”        “You… are something else.”        She wiggled her eyebrows. “Is that something else something good?”        Y/N didn’t know, but when Harry saw her eyes sparkle, his heart skipped a beat, and he immediately knew – she was it. “The best.”        “Well…” she bit her lip. “If I’m the best, would it be too forward of me to ask you out for a coffee?”        What Harry didn’t know was that when she saw him smile as if those were the best news in the world, her heart skipped as well, and she knew he was the one.        “Only if it’s my treat.”        “But I was the one who asked you out.”        “Yes, but you can pay for the second date.”        Holding in her squeals of joy was tough, but she raised her eyebrow, giving Harry a sly smirk. “Already so confident there’ll be a second date?”        Harry scoffed. “And a wedding!”        Seeing Y/N throw back her head as she laughed, made all sorts of butterflies fly through his stomach.        “Okay, Styles. I’ll take your word for it.”        Three months into the relationship, the two were booked to appear on The Graham Norton show together, which was also the first time they’d appear officially as a couple at a work/outing kind of a setting since the rumours started floating, and a picture of Harry kissing Y/N outside of a hotel room had sort of confirmed that.        “So, you two.” Graham pointed between Y/N and Harry with his cards. “Have started to date? Not to say anything Harry, but Y/N… I didn’t think boy-bands were your type.”        That made her lean over in laughter as Harry gave everyone a shocked face, before slumping back and pouting, nudging Y/N with his knee. “That’s not funny.”        “I mean it kind of is.”        “She was twelve when she swore off boy-bands.” Graham nodded, taking a sip of his wine. “Isn’t that what you said last time you were here?”        “Hey, it’s been ten years since I said that!” Y/N laughed. “Cut me some slack. All the people I was crushing on are married anyway… with kids… and could probably be my dads… I have issues, don’t I?”        Everyone exploded into giggles while Harry shook his head, chuckling.        “Love you with all of your issues.” He nudged her shoulder, and she nudged right back, taking a sip of her drink.        “Yeah, give it a couple of months. You’ll regret your words.”        The thing was Y/N was so wrong, and she’d never been happier to be so wrong. Each morning they were together, Harry woke up to her showering him with kisses or vice versa. As private as Harry was, his Instagram stories were now filled with pictures and small videos of them, of Y/N’s face half-covered by a blanket, glasses crooked as she smushed her cheek to his chest and watched a movie, or her eating breakfast while re-watching old Bones and Castle episodes with captions like ‘dunno how she keeps the food down’ and ‘she swears it’s just for research’, while her feed was full of candid Harry photos or her rummaging through his closet and showing everyone his immaculate style, and giving tips how others can recreate it (also she may or may not just use that as a reason to steal his clothes).        Generally, people loved it, and their love for one another. It was refreshing to see them enjoy each other’s company, and not be afraid to do so, especially now, given how it was a couple of days before Y/N ended her tour in New York in Madison Square Garden, to which Harry had specifically flown out for despite being in the middle of filming for ‘The Little Mermaid’. Three AM blinked on the clock, as the two finally drifted off to sleep after five hours of a passionate reunion when her phone dinged, indicating a message had arrived.        “Turn it off,” Harry grumbled into the skin of Y/N’s back. “’S too early.”        She hummed in agreement, furrowing her brows as her palm blindly searched for the offending device, and she squinted her eyes as the light burned her retinas before widening in shock at the message.        Harry felt her body go rigid, and he pressed a kiss to her neck. “Everythin’ alright, lovie?”        “Uh – “ she stuttered, trying to process the words on the screen. “Uh, yeah. Yes, everything’s fine. Just… some last-minute changes for the show. They want something really big for the ending, and some of the propositions are just…”        She could feel a smile stretch across Harry’s mouth. “Extravagant?”        “You could say that, yeah.”        “Sounds like it’s gonna be one hell of a show. Not that the others weren’t.”        Y/N switched the phone off wiping away the message first and then turned to cuddle into Harry’s chest. “It most certainly will.”        For the next two days, she was an anxious ball of mess, as her crew got everything ready, and her and her band rehearsed relentlessly before she asked all of them to gather at the studio to add a song to the setlist.        “It’s gonna be a couple more hours, Hazza,” Y/N murmured into the phone as Harry had called in to check on her. “ ‘M sorry. You don’t have to wait up for me. I know you’re still adjusting to New York time.”        “ ‘S alright,” he slurred, clearly already falling asleep but determined not to. “Can’t sleep without you anyway.”        At those words, Y/N’s heart did that stupid flipping thing it’d been doing ever since Harry entered her life to stay, and a shy grin blossomed on her lips. “You’re exhausted, sweetheart. But I’ll tell you what - if you do go to bed, I’ll be sure to wake you up with a kiss when I get back.”        “You promise?” She could hear the smile on his face.        “Swear it.”        “Alright, lovie. I’ll be waiting to cash in on that kiss.”        “I’ll run to give it to you as soon as I can. G’night.”        “See ya’ in a bit.”        Y/N let out a shudder as she heard the call disconnect. She entered back inside the studio and clapped her hands, drawing the attention of her producers and band members. “Where were we?”

***

       The hour before a show was always nerve-wracking for Y/N. It’s when the adrenaline truly started to rush, when her feet and palms got all tingly, and her ears and cheeks heated up. It was when their warm-up band exploded on stage, and the crowd got pumped up. But the best moment that night by far was right when she was about to run out, Harry had pulled her back by the wrist and kissed the living daylights out of her.        “You’re gonna kill it tonight,” he muttered against her lips, words skimming her mouth and making her smile as bright as the sun. She seemed to do that a lot around him. It’s why he now dedicated Golden to her every time he sang it.        “Thank you. For being here.”        Harry flicked her nose. “Always. Now go. People are waiting.”        When Y/N finally appeared on stage, pretty much glowing as brightly as the stage lights, her fans went wild, and even more so when she jumped, starting off the show. The whole time, her gaze flitted to backstage just to get a glimpse of Harry, and whenever she did, she saw him dancing, singing along, filming her having fun and some clips of himself as well, going absolutely ham to her songs.        As the night was moving towards the end, usually, she’d feel euphoria from giving a great performance, after hearing thousands of people sing her songs in unison, now Y/N felt closer to throwing up and fainting.        “So uh…” She pushed back strands of sweaty hair, hollers of people echoing in her head. “This is a very special show tonight. Umm… this is the first concert my boyfriend’s come t - .” She didn’t even get to finish the sentence before the cheers of the people interrupted her, deafening the girl even with the earplugs.        “But umm… it’s also a special show because two days ago someone reached out to me, and uh… he… well, he was as important of a person once the same way Harry is right now, and he wrote this.”        Y/N went over to where the piano chair was, lifted it and fished out her phone from it, revealing the message that’d been basically haunting her nights and days since receiving it.        “Breaking up with you was the biggest mistake I ever made.” To her own surprise, her voice was steady and sure, unlike her hands which were trembling like leaves in a storm. “I know you look happy and in love, but I know it’s not true. I’ve known you for five years, I know how to see through the mask you put on every day just to make sure others are happy while you yourself suffer an inauthentic life. But you do deserve to be happy. And I’ll be waiting for you if you decide to give us a chance again. I’ll be at your concert in Madison Square.” She looked out into the crowd. “You wrote a song once for me. If you sing it, that’s how I’ll know you feel the same.”        By the time she got to the end, there were no more shouts or screams, but confused murmurs. Y/N let out a shuddering breath, hoping that she could manage to do what she wanted, and everything didn’t fall apart. “The thing is, I’d like for Harry to come on stage, please.”        She could see the fear in his eyes as he jogged to stand next to her, but he disguised it with an overenthusiastic smile as he waved over towards the raging sea of people. He’d seen the message, had seen her reread it more than fifty times by that point, and as sure as he was in their relationship, when someone who held such importance, no matter if good or not, in someone’s life came knocking again, you could never be too sure what would happen. Harry didn’t want to say anything, believing if it was important enough, she’d tell him. Guess that was it.        “So, uh…” Y/N pulled Harry’s arms over her shoulders and grasped onto them, grounding them both. “This is for you.” Y/N looked over into the crowd before glancing over her shoulder, Y/E/C eyes meeting Harry’s wavering green ones. “And you,” she whispered so that only he could hear. “Hope you know I mean everything.”        As the cords started playing, she felt Harry unwarp his arms from where she’d been holding them over her shoulders and a smile erupted on her face.        “I wake up every evening,” Y/N sang, “with a big smile on my face, and it never feels out of place.”        “And you’re still probably workin’,” Harry’s voice joined in, grin as wide as the Cheshire cat’s, as he now had a microphone in hand, the other placing earplugs in his own ears, “at a nine-to-five pace… I wonder how bad that tastes.”        “When you see my face hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell,” the two harmonized, Y/N’s eyes locked onto the masses, imagining the face of her ex-boyfriend who had the audacity to send that message.        “When you walk my way, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell.” Harry was looking at the crowd as well, now fully understanding the message and the person behind it, and although he lived by ‘treat people with kindness’, he couldn’t help but gloat at the fact he got to sing with the love of his life on stage, and basically serenade a break-up song to a person who didn’t know how to appreciate what he’d had.        Y/N cocked her head to the side. “Now, where’s your picket fence, love, and where’s that shiny car? It didn’t ever get you far. You’ve never seemed so tense, love. I’ve never seen you fall so hard. Do you know where you are?” It was hard not to smile, knowing where she was and who she was with. Harry threw an arm over Y/N’s shoulders as she sang, giving a mock sad look, while Harry pouted. “And truth be told, I miss you… And truth be told, I’m lying!”        “When you see my face hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell! When you walk my way, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell! When you find a gal that’s worth a damn and treats you well.” Y/N pointed towards where she imagined her ex was standing. “Then she’s the fool, you’re just as well, hope it gives you hell! Hope it gives you hell!” For a split second, the music slowed down, guitar strumming in the air, as Harry pulled Y/N by the palm and towards his chest.        When the next lyrics came out of his mouth, he knew them to be true as he sang them to the man, he’d heard Y/N talk about, to the man who thought everything he’d done to her, every horrible word and deed was justified, to the man who thought breaking someone else down was the only way to bring themselves up. “Now tomorrow you’ll be thinking to yourself, where did it all go wrong, but the list goes on and on.”        “And truth be told, she misses you,” Harry hummed, Y/N letting out a large laugh, holding onto his bicep, as he slightly changed the lyrics. “And truth be told, she’s lying! When you see her face, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell! When you walk her way, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell!  When you find a gal that’s worth a damn and treats you well.” Harry sighed, shrugging his shoulders. “Then she’s the fool you’re just as well hope it gives you hell.”        “Now you’ll never see,” Y/N took over the song. “What you’ve done to me.” She placed a hand over her heart. “You can take back your memories, they’re no good to me. And here’s all your lies, you can look me in the eyes, with that sad, sad look that you wear so well.” She dragged her finger down her cheek, giving a pout while Harry mimicked her stance before turning the mic to the audience.        “When you see my face, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell,” the crowd sang back with such vigour, Y/N was sure the whole ground was shaking just from their voices, and the clapping and stomping to the drum rhythm would bring the whole world down. “When you walk my way, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell! When you find a gal that’s worth a damn and treats you well, then she’s the fool you’re just as well, hope it gives you hell!”        The two were jumping around the stage like madmen, adrenaline filling their veins. “When you see my face hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell!” “Hope it gives you hell!” Everyone else repeated.        “When you walk my way, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell!” “Hope it gives you hell!”        “When you sing this song and sing along, well you’ll never tell. Then you’re the fool, I’m just as well, hope it gives you hell!” Y/N grinned once more, placing her hand over her heart, meaning every word – she was just as well. She had amazing friends, a career that’d flourished, and a person who loved her more than words could describe.        “When you hear this song, I hope that it will give you hell!” Harry crooned down the mic, knowing their happiness would, Y/N’s happiness would give him hell. And he enjoyed it, knowing how good her life was.        “You can sing along I hope that it puts you through hell!” Her voice became the only sound as the last word echoed around everyone, her chest heaving up and down from the exertion, from all of the emotions running through her body as well as the overwhelming feeling of not only having Harry watch her perform but to end up performing with him.        When his hands wrapped around her body, it startled her out from the daze, and the popping confetti startled her even more, as the rest of her band joined the two to take their bows, grins on all of their faces while they did so.        “Not the song you thought I’d sing, is it?” Y/N laughed into the mic, Harry’s arms tightening around her waist. “There’s a reason I blocked your number, let alone you from my life. Don’t think I won’t do it again.”        “But I would like to say thank you, to the asshole in question,” Harry said, making Y/N’s forehead scrunched up. “You let go of the best person ever; you had the honour of calling yourself her boyfriend, but instead, you chose to walk away. So, thank you for that. Because now I’ll have that honour and pleasure for the rest of our lives.”        Yeah. It was one hell of a show.

Tags (crossed out wouldn’t take):

Everything tags: @lumelgy @palaiasaurus64 @supernaturalbaesduh @breezy1415 @crazy--me @thatawkwardlittlefangirl @sea040561 @staryeyedgirl @deathbyarabbit @s-c-a-r-e-d-po-t-t-e-r @reblogger-not-a-blogger @m-a-t-91 @dalilx @i-need-a-hero-i-need-a-loki @maladaptive-ninja-returns @averyrogers83 @in-the-end-im-still-trash @gallifreyansass @dewy-biitch @avxgers @unlikelygalaxygiver @magicwithaknife​ @ollyoxenfrees​ @bnhvrdy​ @tvwhoresblog​ @celebsimagines @thatkindofgurl​ @sj-thefan​ @teenwolflover28 @lestersglitterglue​ @im-squished​

Harry Styles tags: @sarcasticallywitty15​ @breezykpop​ @girlboss99​ @harrystylesdoesntknowiexist​ @alliyjane​ @sirtommyholland​

A/N: I love ‘All American Rejects’ and have been listening to ‘Gives You Hell’ non stop. It’s the best break-up song ever, and you won’t convince me otherwise. 

P.S. my tags are always open :)

P.S.S. please don’t repost my work on other platforms without my explicit written permission. reblogs are fine :)

[vminity21]

+1 | kth

Pairing: HighschoolCrush!Taehyung X StillProcessingIt!Reader

Word Count: 4.3k

Genre: angst/fluff/smut

Warning(s): slight language use, angst (if you read b/w the lines), pretty much smutty kissing, hand groping, mention of alcohol, breast worship, nipple play; Rated: 18+

Summary: When a crush you had in high school unexpectedly returns to your life six years later, this is the experience you have with him when you collected the courage to invite him over to hangout.

Credit to: @suhdays​ for the amazing cover!

Inspiration comes in the form of little expectancy especially when life seems to throw a curveball you never dreamed would be a potential possibility; but, here you are, tapping upon the keyboard of your five-year-old laptop decorated in stickers of celebs you've admired over the years mingled with relevant quotes that have bustled yet again- inspiration that motivates you day by day to continue to be the human being that you are. Inspiration though can appear in lyrical melodies broadcasted globally for millions to pine over; or, published in numerous pages creating imaginary worlds where ones can escape to; or, sketched in a meticulous design to build whatever idea had been desired to come to life; or, filmed in scenes of an edited story by talented persons determined to enter the spotlight in any way they can; or, painted along a canvas in colors of calculated detail bringing forth the picture of accomplishment. Inspiration derives from a mere moment- one that sparks the instinct to gather the materials needed to pour out your heart in ways that may bring a sense of peace.

For you, it used to be in the lines of a song penciled into a crinkled notebook from your backpack hidden away for no one to discover; it used to be countless childhood journals where you expressed your inward battles in order to find enough solace to sleep at night. You've lost your touch over the years because life changes in the blink of an eye, as you grow older, and work can distract from the time taken to focus on yourself; thankfully graduating college to gain the degree you now behold landed you a job, one you hope lasts for many years, and you are currently living in a two-bedroom apartment with your best friend, Monica, who's presently slumbering as you brush some loose strands of hair from your vision.

Your dog is curled at the end of your bed as you write, which is something that you haven't done in what feels like forever, but the reasoning behind this sporadic urge ignited when the familiar pair of brown eyes from six years prior, re-entered your world without your preparation and his presence from a recent night shared seems to echo in every space of your brain to where you've finally had enough. It's about time to reach out, the devil on your shoulder whispers, but the angel sitting on the opposite begs to differ. Shaking your head, you pause momentarily, cracking your knuckles before resting your forehead on the desk, exhaling slowly while the memory of his touch seems to haunt your skin.

He was someone you once admired in high school- roaming the hallways where girls giggled giddily each time he'd pass by; star of the basketball team, rising popularity to the point everyone knew his name, collecting homework answers from budding friendships, and it all began once he started his junior year at a new school- the school where you attended. But the difference that set him apart from the typical cliché's of the prevalent students you never seemed to relate to, was that he talked to absolutely everybody and anybody- no judgment on what group the person took part in, his kindness won the hearts of many other than the evident attraction of his physical features. He didn't care who you were or what you were into, he would be your friend, and that, considering he was viewed on a higher level, made him even more special.

Despite never admitting it then, you had a crush on him. He was more of an acquaintance, but you enjoyed his company when he came around, and when a past friend, who is now married with a few kids, used to have a crush on the same person, your heart sank, because with every guy thinking she was hot, you felt as though you would never stand a chance. Especially not with this guy who made your hands jittery and the beat in your chest skip- the guy who is none other than Kim Taehyung.

Taehyung would frequent the chorus room at times when you and your past friend would practice music pieces and he always was fond of your singing voice- something he praised you for often, while his attention was received from his talent regarding sports. Something he was so good at that it was spread that he may have gained quite the scholarship for college if he decided to go. There were memories of bravery where you seized the day just to steal a conversation and a hug; at one time, scribbling the words 'hot af' with an arrow pointing where he signed your friend, Min Yoongi's, yearbook; Yoongi playing it off as though he had no idea who the culprit was when Taehyung asked who wrote it. Utter surprise can't even fathom when you along with Taehyung were voted 'Most Likely to be Famous' by your graduating class when senior year was conquered. The inside joke was for you to hold the basketball while he placed his hands upon the keys of a piano, the picture you still couldn't process happened, but always remained grateful for.

Six years flew by and the conversation never necessarily held, but there were the rare messages from social media where he'd reach out hoping all had been well with you. Interestingly enough, a cover you posted harmonizing with a fellow singer happened to be his absolute favorite, one of the few Instagram posts he'd commented on, and one of the few singing videos he continuously would listen to repeatedly without your knowledge until a few weeks ago when he revealed that to you. A cover that is now near to be a four-year-old video that he still finds uplifting when he hears you and the way your voice blended so well with the other female. Your mind is reeling because after all this time, and even now, there are remains of the aftershock, trying to forget the feel of him, when there's no way you can, not with everything so fresh on your mind. So fresh on your heart.

It all occurred when Yoongi, who kept in touch with you occasionally after graduation brought you up to Taehyung who happened to think of you earlier when listening to his favorite cover of yours, and he agreed he'd like to hang out. He asked if his friend, Hoseok could join you, Monica, and Yoongi which of course you said yes to learn how sweet you found it, that he had traveled within the span of a day after visiting his grandparents, because he is a man of his word, planned to come see you even though the drive was five hours out of his way. The night was filled with so much laughter mixed with serious conversations to the point the card game that was supposed to be played was never finished, and it sprung the desire of wanting to see Taehyung again, and you couldn't come to terms with never knowing so after some encouragement from Monnie and Yoongi, you messaged T to hang out a few days later, but never opened his reply until you were safely home from work.

Taehyung: Gotcha! Hmmm, I haven't decided on what I intend on doing. Either being with family or hanging out with friends. If I don't hang out with family, you could be my plus 1 or bring whomever or vice versa

[Y/N]: Sorry I just got home from work! I'll definitely be your plus 1 if hanging with family doesn't work out! Sounds like a plan!

He asked if you wanted anything from the store when it was confirmed he was on his way which you responded with your typical answer of no, and with music playing from your Bluetooth speaker, you were highly humiliated when you lost track of four minutes of time, opening a message from him to see that he had been there, at your door. Heart racing you rushed to unlock it, head spinning when you saw he leaned against the stair railing with a plastic bag of two Arbor Mist wine bottles dangling from his hand, him promising everything was fine despite your profuse apologies- him slipping his phone in his back pocket while he followed you into your home.

Monnie happened to be staying the night with her family, so it would be just the two of you tonight, besides your dog who bounced at his legs while he reached down to pet her fluffy head. Taking in the sight of him, now that was something you found hard to believe. Just a simple pair of jeans, a gray t-shirt with a black jacket complementing the dark tendrils of hair spread across his forehead leading to the carefully sculpted lining of his jaw nearly brought you to your knees, but you held it together long enough to settle across from him at your dining room table. He had taken off his shoes at the door remembering upon a few days prior, and he set out the wine while you jumped to retrieve wine glasses (Yoongi happened to purchase for you) while banter still related to greetings.

One thing that truly intrigued you when first seeing Taehyung after six years were words, he had said that touched your heart more than you'd like to profess. "That's why I try to enjoy every moment with people because you never know what day will be your last," and you knew right then, that if there was anyone you wanted to share a moment with, it was him, and there he was, right before you, smiling about something you said while the sound of the fruity liquid-filled each glass.

"I really truly do not understand what you are so afraid of. What do you even have to lose?" Monnie tinkered with the lens to her camera while she sauntered through the living room. Exasperated from anxiety, you sucked in your lips before teasingly throwing her the side-eye.

"My dignity,"

"Oh c'mon," she paused, lifting a brow. You had been talking nonstop on how bad you wanted to invite Taehyung over, but fear of rejection including the fear of humiliation seemed to overwhelm you, although deep down you knew your best friend in the entire world was correct. You did not nor do you have anything to lose.

"Well!" You squawked, raising your palms dramatically in the air before slapping them to the sides of your thighs, "Why the hell would Kim Taehyung ever want to hang out with me anyway? Do you not see how farfetched this all is?"

"Bold of you to assume that my life isn't already farfetched enough as it is-"

"Not! The point!"

Monnie sighed, and when she saw the way your shoulders slumped in disappointment that shouldn't have been an issue, to begin with, she stepped closer, placing her hand on your shoulder, "First off, you are overthinking this, and you shouldn't. Besides, I think after hanging out as a group, he only sees you as a friend, meaning no expectations. So, go into it with that mindset okay? I'm sure he'd love to hang out with you. Secondly," she smiled, her serene expression filled with promises she always kept, "You've waited six years for this. I think you should ask him to hang out."

"You really think so?" Your grin reached your hopeful eyes, and the feeling in your chest seemed to react more positively despite your earlier turmoil.

"Yeah. The dude owes us a chair anyways,"

"Ah!" You cackled, back pressed against the dining room table as you remembered literally a few days ago when Taehyung accidentally broke a spindle of the chair in half with his foot when Yoongi scared him just by suddenly walking down the hallway. "I don't think I've ever seen a man so embarrassed."

"I'm not saying to hold it over his head, but," Monnie held up her index finger, "I think that gives him enough reason to come back," she giggled, setting her camera on the dining room table before waltzing into the kitchen.

You shrugged, "At least we can still sit on it."

"Look at it, it's staring at me," Taehyung pointed swiftly at where the vacant spindle would have been, your laughter reverberated throughout the space.

"T, really, you do not owe us new chairs. I promise, it's fine," you reassured him, realizing your cheeks were sore from how much you'd been smiling since he entered your 'realm of refuge' as you liked to describe your apartment. He snapped a picture of it, probably with the intention of getting a new chair for you and Monica regardless, and you found that appreciative although you would be happy if he didn't.

Shit. You pause from the computer screen, leaning back into your chair before folding your arms tight across your chest. Eyeballing the cursor, your vision narrows as it blinks, waiting for you to add more words to the memory that seems to spin in a cycle with the subtle goal of not stopping. Or, so you figure. If recalling every little detail isn't already hard enough, reliving the reminiscence of his fingers twirling in your hair, his sweet laugh when he looked at you, or the way he held you so tight-

But, everything in between, leading up to those mesmerizing flashes are just as important to you as what it led to. Maybe it was the conversation- the three hours of conversation before the move to the sofa which it was hard to fully focus on what else was being said because how could you properly concentrate when the one person, you'd been so worried about spending time with was seriously conversing with you like the pair of you had been friends your whole lives?

Miraculously, you were able to gather the stories of past vacations that resulted in mild disappointment revolving around the complaints of people surrounding him, or the goal of visiting as many places as possible leading Taehyung to scribble down a list of where he'd been to reveal you both have equally been to the same amount of places. Of course, the thrill of going on a mini adventure with him brought an excitement you haven't felt in a while; even the story of why he was transferred to your high school years ago due to a misunderstanding, and when the pair of you made your way to the couch, he nestled into one corner while you gladly took the other, wishing you could snuggle closer but fear prevented you from doing so.

It seemed as though that he didn't want to watch the movie anyhow, because he talked to you as though he never wanted to stop, and eventually it led to you asking one too many times if he was okay with spending the rest of the night with you. "It's up to you, I'll stay if you want me too," he promised, the way your heart fluttered when you replied, "Yes, can you please stay? I don't want you to go."

"Alright, alright! I'll stay," he smiled widely, both of his large hands reaching out, and there was not one ounce of hesitation from you- your hands grasped his before your dog jumped to beg for attention, trying to lick at his face causing your hands to undo. Laughter was contagious with Taehyung, and still cuddled into the corner of the couch, you were so elated that he was going to stay, you reached to hug him, his arms wrapping around you, the feel of your bodies aligning putting the biggest smile on your face. It was crazy how everything was seeming to fall into place- the stars aligning as though it was all magic; and, you couldn't get past how right everything felt. How right he felt. Pulling away, his smile never left him, "Are you shy?" His arm remained draped around your shoulders, and timidly you peer at his surprised gape, his black hair almost covered his crescent eyes.

"I mean... Yeah, I can be," you murmured, reaching to hug him again, but something washed over you this time, a thought that had crossed your mind repeatedly that you just couldn't take it anymore. The side of his face was blurred, placing your palm upon his cheek, and without even a moment of doubt, you kissed him. A sudden decision, but one of the best ones you could have made.

His lips were so soft, the way his mouth just seemed to mold with yours for only a few mere seconds, and the shock on his face when you pulled away, paired with the realization that his hands were held in the air, you hadn't expected his reaction. Shit! You cursed inwardly, immediately jumping back to persistently make sure he was okay; even when he moved to cuddle with you, him claiming everything was fine, but that he couldn't believe you kissed him being the both of you never once saw this coming especially six years ago during the high school days. His hand was fidgety as he swiftly rubbed your shoulder, your head buried on his chest while your mind spun in a continuous loop of how you could not believe that you kissed Taehyung. The Kim Taehyung.

He became quiet- too quiet, concern etched in your expression, maneuvering yourself back to the opposite corner of the couch, so you could face him. "T, are you sure you're okay? Did I freak you out?"

"No, no, I just can't believe you kissed me," he was in awe, eyes dazed as he ran his slim fingers through his hair, "Like, really I never saw this coming,"

"I mean, have you looked in the mirror?" You teased, knowing damn well he'd been aware of you finding him attractive, and he shook his head in dismissal of your compliment as he chuckled; it took you a whole sixty seconds to realize you were holding his hand, fingers linked, and him asking if you were nervous due to your clammy palm, though you tried to swear up and down you were not, the next round of words he said nearly brought you to tears when he finally spoke.

"You shouldn't sell yourself short," he looked you in the eyes without any faltering, although you tilted your head in mild confusion as to why he was saying this, to begin with, "I don't think you realize how much of an impact you've made on others, especially guys," ah, he was letting you down easy, and you knew it, but you're too stunned to speak as you listened, "I don't think you give yourself enough credit either. You're a great singer, you're pretty much a musician, you love animals, you have a job, you live on your own. Really, you shouldn't sell yourself short-"

"T," you breathed, pleading almost, but trying not to make it obvious, but he never broke eye contact, "We don't have to date or anything, I just- I just wanted a moment with you." You mentioned what inspired you to spend time with him- exposing how a few nights ago when he said he wanted to enjoy every moment with people- you knew you wanted to have a moment with him, too. Memories from high school were spoken momentarily, thirty minutes passing by which included a made-up handshake as well as the subtle twirl of his fingers in your hair- him complimenting how good your hair looked which made you blush even more.

Just when you thought he wasn't already smooth enough, you noticed Taehyung started teasing your dog, her pouncing at his chest before he'd lean in closer to you. Eyebrows scrunching, it took you a hot second to realize what he was doing. Each time Taehyung would scoot closer to you, he'd kiss you, sending the pair of you in boisterous laughter when your dog would try to break the kisses by jumping in between your faces. The more your lips would touch, it'd last a bit longer and longer, your hand clinging to the side of his jacket to pull him closer when things really started moving fast, eventually your dog left the room with the hint that attention was no longer available for her.

Still lip-locked, Taheyung's hands gripped your hips while you willingly moved to straddle him, arms resting on the top of the couch on either side of his head, the tip of your tongue glided along his, while he fanned his hands along your ass. You refrained from moaning into his kiss despite how bad you wanted to, yet you held yourself together, involuntarily grinding your clothed heat where his erection was felt. T smacked your ass before slithering the tips of his fingers to your shirt, slowly unbuttoning one by one.... One by one. His eyes were hazed from how much he was craving your mouth, and with a seductive nod in his direction, he continued until he made it to the final goal, your kisses never planning to stop, the sides of your shirt being brushed away for him to take in the sight of you.

"Ooh my God," his eyes darkened in evident lust when he saw the way your black bra cupped your breasts, "Oh my God," his voice deepened, him hardly knowing what to do with himself while your smirk remained subtlety on your mouth. Though you hadn't needed him to ask, he politely waited for your permission to touch your chest, a quick pang of frilly nerves ghosted your stomach.

"Yeah," you breathed seductively, gradually moving to capture his lips, trying to hold back a giggle when he gently moved his hands to your back, "You're not going to find it there," you mused, referring to the clip. He paused as if panicked, "It's in the front," you finally admitted, but failing miserably, Taehyung let you take initiative, you unclipped your bra uncovering what is now widening his brown eyes. "Oh my God!" His reaction made you want to cum right then and there, especially when his fingers made their way to squeeze your nipples when his mouth returned to yours. Taehyung worshiped your breasts, and for some odd, yet arousing reason, you lived for it.

You're uncertain of when the tv was switched off, and even now, as your hands continue to fly across the keyboard, one thing you do recall, one of the lingering memories of the evening was your shirt being off, thrown onto the floor mingled with your bra, and without any warning, Taehyung hoisted you in the air, your legs instinctively wrapped around his torso while he tightened his hold around your body. His steps were painfully careful, kissing you roughly while your arms kept their place behind his neck, and the direction was being taken to your bedroom where your heart pounded so anxiously to be. His jacket was shed before the bold act, and all that was left was his gray t-shirt and jeans. Laying you down with a bounce from your mattress, he remained above you, and your eyes refused to stray especially when he reached to remove his shirt- his smooth skin greeting yours sending waves of goosebumps spreading among your limbs.

There was no one like him in your eyes, and there never would be. Not in your heart. And with how perfect everything was going; you were not prepared for how hard it was going to be to stop before things went too far. Because what if he doesn't exactly feel the same? He was letting you down easy not even an hour ago, and here you were, hopes so high, you weren't sure how you were going to erase them back down. He kissed you until you couldn't breathe, your fingers dug into your comforter, while his palms glided all over your frame for however long you let him, but when he went to remove your leggings, you halted him.

Now, this is where your heart aches when you relive this part, because a conversation was held, one where you mentioned what if someone catches feelings if the both of you decided to solely be just friends with benefits? Taehyung said all you had to do was communicate with him because he was easy to get along with, and you've known this about him for six years. He was always someone easy to talk to, and you knew he would never treat you poorly over a situation like this. And, he hadn't. You made the executive decision to not sleep with him for you wanted him to remember you as the woman you are, and the woman, you've always been, and with the fear of going all the way being something that could change his image of you, you were satisfied to hear the loud echoes of his snoring after you changed into pajamas, gazing at his sleeping demeanor before you drifted into slumber as well.

When the morning came, you were not ready for him to leave, but he asked if you would walk him out, him throwing on his shirt and jacket while you rushed to brush your teeth. T asked if you had any other plans for the rest of the day which you proceeded to answer honestly with a no, as he mentioned that he was going to get breakfast.

"Let me know when you make it home," you said tenderly, "I want to know you're safe,"

"I will," he promised before you embraced him, turning just enough to place a peck to his cheek. It was his smile that decided to enter your recollection- the boxy smile that would plague you until the day you accept that you will never forget it.

And when you opened the door to the apartment where he gracefully waltzed through, you merely caught a glimpse of him leaving, ahead of you quietly shutting the door to whatever could have been.

Or, what could have started a beautiful story that has yet to unfold.

[casuallyimagining]

Golden

Jeon Jungkook x Reader

Summary: The pressures of being BTS’ golden boy start to get to Jungkook. Genre: fluff Notes: Part of the Long Term Couples series.  Read more here

You were worried about Jungkook.

His short vacation had started three days ago, and originally, you had been excited to spend the time with him uninterrupted--you still were--but it appeared as though he wasn’t enjoying his time off as much as you had anticipated.

Jungkook was a perfectionist. You knew that fact all too well. After almost seven years of friendship, you had seen your fair share of tears because he felt something hadn’t gone 100 percent perfectly. This… felt like one of those times.

It had started on Friday, his last day of practice before starting his days off. You had gone with him to the office, having promised to help Sejin with planning some of the schedules for an upcoming music video shoot. That was when Yoongi popped into your office.

“He’s having a rough day,” Yoongi had confessed, his eyes straying from yours to the shelf of figurines gifted to you by Jimin. “Poor kid’s ready for a break, but I think you might end up having to drag him out of the studio today.” When you hummed and asked him what he meant, he had continued. “The new choreography is complicated, and he’s at the front of the formations for most of it.”

Ah. You had nodded in understanding and thanked Yoongi for taking the time from his break to give you the heads up. And true enough, you’d had to practically beg Jungkook to abandon the practice room that evening. The whole group had a week off, it wasn’t like he was going to miss anything. So he had gone home with you, grumpy and disappointed in himself for not learning more before the day had ended.

And then Saturday had built upon his frustrations. The two of you had made time a few weeks ago to go to Ikea to pick out new furniture, the plan being that you would put it together during his week’s vacation. So when he couldn’t make sense of the directions, and then struggled to put together the end tables you had bought to match your new sectional, you could feel his frustration growing.

The thing about frustration, you knew, is that it can be a vicious cycle. Frustration leads to mistakes which leads to more frustration. You knew how hard it could be to break out of, especially when you get caught up in it. It can be ever harder to watch someone else spiral.

Which was, you suspected, what was happening with Jungkook when he somehow managed to undercook the pasta twice and then overcook it into a gooey mess. Thankfully, you had managed to save dinner with a trick Jin had taught you by sauteeing the noodles in butter. But unfortunately, your poor boyfriend’s mood was ruined. Not even Kimchi making a fool of himself in an attempt to eat a noodle off the tile flooring cheered him up.

He disappeared into your bedroom before you were even done saving the noodles. You let him go to give him a chance to collect his thoughts. So you boxed up the pasta instead--you’d eat it eventually, you supposed--and put the steak he had started marinating in the fridge. It would make a good meal for the next day, or later that evening if Jungkook was up for it. You did the few dishes that had been dirtied and put them away, wiping your hands on your pants to dry them.

When you walked back the hall, you saw that he had closed the door. You frowned, your hand on the doorknob. Jungkook had never shut you out so physically before. Sighing, you tried to push it out of your mind. He was frustrated and hurting, and you doubted he meant anything by it.

You were quiet when you pushed your way into the room, just in case he had fallen asleep. The lights were out and the heavy curtains drawn closed so that the room was almost entirely dark. When your eyes adjusted better to the darkness, you saw him laying on the bed, his back to the door. He was hugging the Cooky plushie you kept on your bed, the pink bunny’s fur standing out against his black hoodie and the dark colors of your duvet.

Carefully, you climbed onto the bed and laid down behind him, wrapping your arm snugly around his waist and tucking his shoulder under your chin. You felt him tense for a moment and then relax with a deep sigh. He sniffled a little, and you pulled him closer, tangling your legs up with his.

The room was nearly silent as you laid there, the only sounds being the occasional sniffle or shaky breath. Your heart hurt. You knew that Jungkook had had a rough week, knew that he put a lot of pressure on himself both in his career and his daily life. But what you hadn’t realized was how much it had been affecting him recently. So you laid there and held him while he cried as quietly as he could.

You weren’t sure how much time passed like that--it could have been a few minutes, or it could have been an hour, with the curtains closed and your phone in the kitchen, you really had no concept of time. Eventually, though, you felt him relax and shift a little.

“What’s wrong, Kookie?” you ventured softly, squeezing him a little before relaxing your hold.

You weren’t offended when he stayed silent. If you were honest with yourself, you were kind of expecting it. What you weren’t expecting was for him to sigh deeply and roll onto his back. He had his face buried between Cooky’s ears, the big pink bunny managing to hide most of his expression so you couldn’t read him. You kept your arm loosely around his waist.

“Last week at practice, we were all struggling with the new dance,” Jungkook admitted quietly. “It’s our hardest yet, and it’s different from a lot of the stuff we’ve been doing recently. It’s a lot of hand choreography.” He demonstrated a bit, his hands creating different shapes in front of his chest to the tune of a silent song. “But Jin-hyung was having trouble with the one part and I know he was only kidding, but Namjoon-hyung said ‘well at least Jungkook’s having trouble, too.’” He sighed, squeezing the plushie tighter. “And I know he didn’t mean anything by it, but the way he said it was like…”

“Jungkook’s good at everything, but not this” you finished, frowning slightly. He nodded. “But Koo, you’re like… the best dancer I know.”

“You wouldn’t be saying that if you had seen me this week.” You hummed, your arm around his waist tightening ever so slightly. “And then with the tables and then dinner tonight-”

“Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean you’re bad at it, Kookie. Just like just because the instructions are in Swedish, it doesn’t mean you can’t build a table. It just means you have to learn Swedish.” He laughed a little at that, and you smiled. A small victory. You reached up and brushed his hair off his forehead. “You put so much pressure on yourself.”

“I can’t let them down.” You could barely understand him as he mumbled into Cooky’s head.

“Who is ‘they,’ love?” You kissed his shoulder. “The guys? Me? Army?” He shrugged noncommittally. “Seriously, Koo. Who?”

“I don’t know. Everyone. No one. Me, you, I don’t know!” He huffed out a sigh and flipped onto his side so that he was facing you. “I hate feeling like I always have to be the best at everything, like I have to be everyone’s Golden Boy all the time.”

For a moment, you were quiet, your eyes scanning his face. Jungkook looked tired. Even in the dim light, you could see his eyes were puffy from crying. You pulled him close, the arm that wasn’t slung over his waist sliding under his head. “I’m going to let you in on a secret, and I want you to know I mean it in the nicest way possible,” you whispered, your eyes meeting his. He nodded in acceptance. “People just want you to be happy, Jungkook. No one gives a shit if you’re the golden maknae. If they do, they’re probably upset about other stupid things, too.”

His arms wrapped around your waist tightly and he buried his face in your shoulder. “I just don’t want them to be disappointed in me.”

“No one would be disappointed if you cut yourself some slack,” you mumbled, carding a hand through his hair and massaging his scalp lightly. “As long as you’re doing your best, they’ll love whatever you can give them. Believe it or not, I think they like when you guys act like humans.” You felt his torso shake when he giggled. “I mean, you can’t let them know you’re all secretly filled with bean paste.”

“We aren’t Anpanman,” Jungkook said, pulling away slightly and trying to hide his laughter.

You hummed. “I don’t know…” Playfully, you bit his shoulder, and he exploded into a fit of giggles.

After a moment, he calmed down. When his eyes met yours again, he looked happy--more than that, he looked a little joyful. You smiled, pinching his cheek briefly. He grinned back, a wide, goofy smile that forced his eyes to crinkle shut.

“I love you, you know that?” He pressed his forehead to yours. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Well, I don’t think that’s true at all,” you said matter-of-factly. “You deserve the world, Jeon Jungkook. But more than that, you deserve a break. You’ve been going non-stop for months.” He nodded and mumbled a soft ‘I know.’ “This week, we rest. Next week, you get back to practice and you kick that song’s ass.”  

Read more of the series here

[obeymebabes]

Your First (Mammon x MC)

Warnings: Slight spoilers for the Mammon birthday event. Also really fluffy.

A/N: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMS!!! This is based on a scene from the Mammon birthday event. I’ve done a fic for everyone’s birthday thus far so I might as well continue it! I’m sorry if this isn’t the best, I didn’t plan this out like I usually do and just tried to go with the flow.

Summary: You need to help Mammon try to sleep so the brothers can set up his surprise party. You have offered to stay with him and talk until he gets tired. You also want to be the first to wish him a happy birthday.

~

Just a few more hours until his big day.

Mammon’s birthday was just around the corner. He was so excited that he told everyone a week in advance. His brothers had everything planned perfectly for him. All thanks to you of course.

The day before was exhausting, making sure everything was ready to be set up later that night while Mammon slept. Of course they stuck you on duty to make sure he would go to sleep.

That night you headed to Mammon’s room. Upon walking through the door you found Mammon standing up and talking to himself, looking visibly distraught about something.

“Aaaaah, damn it! I can’t sleep!” Mammon groaned, trying to rub his eyes to see if it would help.

“What’s wrong?” You asked, making him aware of your presence. He smiled in your direction when he saw you, quickly making his way to you.

“Oh, MC! Perfect timing! I was playin’ this game that Levi recommended, and there was this scary scene with a whole bunch of zombies…!” He explained, shaking his head at the thought.

It’s still shocking to you that a demon, a very powerful one at that, is able to be so easily scared by a game or movie about something that doesn’t even exist. Like zombies. He has seen so much throughout his years of life that surely he would be immune to such “scary” creatures.

“Playin’ something like that right before bed is seriously just the worst…” Mammon avoided eye contact with you, blushing a bit at how ridiculous he sounded. “Not that I’m scared of anything! I’m just too excited to sleep, ya know?” His voice faltered momentarily as he tried to save his dignity by adding that additional information.

He just wanted to seem like the big, scary protective demon that he had portrayed in his own fantasy. He couldn’t let a mere human think he was anything less than what he was. A demon like him shouldn’t be so terrified.

Luckily, the Avatar of Sloth showed up at the perfect time. Stepping into Mammon’s room to join you both, he smiled.

“Did I hear that you can’t sleep, Mammon?” Belphegor asked, ignoring Mammon’s previous comments about being scared of a video game cut-scene.

Mammon laughed a bit as he noticed his normally sleeping brother was awake. His snide comment said it all, “Oh, Belphie! You’re awake too, huh? That’s pretty rare!”

Taking a moment to look around his room, Mammon thought of an idea. Not the best idea, but an idea nonetheless.

“Oh, I know. Since we’re all here, why don’t we stay up together? I got some cards. Wanna play a few rounds or somethin’?”

This wasn’t at all going according to plan. Mammon was wide awake. He didn’t show any signs of being tired, either. Belphie, luckily, had somewhat of a plan. He was the Avatar of Sleep Sloth after all. This was his specialty. Sort of.

Mammon looked impatient, shifting his footing as he waited for an answer from either you or his sleepy brother.

“No. It’s really late. So here, read this and go to bed.” Belphie handed his brother a letter. One of the many letters that he had received over the past few days. It may have seemed like a silly idea at first but you could tell that Mammon really enjoyed having the spotlight.

Mammon took the letter, reading the name of it, “For when you can’t sleep – Part 1.”? Confused by what this meant, he opened it to read the inside. “Please make use of Belphie’s co-sleeping service.”

Looking even more confused than before, he eyed the both of you. Before he had a chance to speak, you spoke up first, “That’s exactly what you need right now!”

Mammon looked back down at the paper then back to Belphie. “What the heck is “Belphie’s co-sleeping service”?” Belphie had a grin across his face. “You don’t have to be shy, Mammon. I’m a pro when it comes to sleep.”

You sat and watched the Avatar of Greed eye his brother. “Only when it comes to your own sleep!” You could see that Mammon was visibly annoyed by being offered such a ridiculous situation. Why did he have to listen to the stupid paper? What did this even mean?

Belphie made his way over to Mammon’s bed. Crawling into it, making himself right at home with his cow-patterned pillow. You couldn’t help but giggle at how frustrated Mammon was getting. Yelling at his younger brother to get out of his bed.

Within seconds, Belphie was out cold while Mammon and you both sat there looking at him. The greedy demon groaned and walked over to shake his sleeping brother awake. None of this was going to plan. How was Mammon supposed to sleep when his brother was only annoying him instead of actually helping him?

Finally shaking him awake, Belphie groaned and looked around to see that he was still in Mammon’s room. He rubbed his eyes and laughed. With a yawn, the formerly sleeping demon looked at you with half-lidded eyes.

“Fine. MC, it’s time for Part 2.” He mentioned, rubbing the last of sleep from his eyes. Mammon turned to you, still very confused about the situation that was going on. Belphie urged you to hand over the letter you had prepared for tonight should the Avatar of Sloth’s plan not work.

You carefully handed him the next letter that you had stowed away in your pocket. Taking it, Mammon blushed, since it was from you after all. 

With a grin, he read the words on the front, “For when you can’t sleep - Part 2.” Opening it, seemingly excited he couldn’t help but smile. “MC’s bedtime chat service.”? MC is going to chat with me until I fall asleep?! Yeah that’s what I’m talking about!” 

Nearly jumping for joy at the time he gets to spend with you tonight, he rushed to get his brother out of his room. Not long after Belphegor left, Mammon was rushing to talk to you.

You started out talking about the birthday letters, he was telling you all about how happy he was to receive them, since he had never had an experience like this before in his time of living. Looking into his eyes you could tell how happy he was to have you here with him, especially if it meant spending the night in his room. 

“Hey, since you’re here, why don’t we chat until it’s midnight?” He offered, smiling as he fiddled with his thumbs. 

You smiled at him, looking him in the eyes before you spoke. How could you pass up an offer like that? It was one of the few uninterrupted times you had with him. No one was going to come in and bother you. 

“Okay, because I want to be the first person to wish you a happy birthday!” You answered, noticing the greedy demon blush. 

With that being said, the both of you talked.

It was getting rather close to midnight, and you had both talked for quite some time. With still a few moments left to spare, the room went silent as you both thought about everything that you had just covered within the last 55 minutes of talking. Most of it was nothing of interest, just his silly stories that made you both laugh.

That was something he really loved to do. Make you laugh. See you smile. As long as you were happy, he was equally as happy.

“Remember when you first got to Devildom?” He questioned, his voice no louder than a whisper. Your eyes met his. A small smile curling from his lips. You nodded as a reply to his question.

“I don’t know what I was thinkin’ when I thought you were all bad just ‘cause you were human. You’re really great ya know. The more I get to know about ya the more I like ya. I don’t know how I did anythin’ without ya for the last… however many years.” He let out a small chuckle. Your heart fluttering from his kind words.

“You know, I was really skeptical about this place. About you, even, but I’ve come to realize you’re just a big softie.” Your words almost seemed to hurt him. He looked a bit offended. “I wouldn’t have it any other way. You were MY first, after all.” 

His eyes found yours again and he couldn’t help but smile a toothy grin from hearing that. He loved hearing such praise from you.

“You are MY human. I ain’t lettin’ no one else have ya. Got it?” He gently pressed a hand to your cheek, luring you closer to him. Leaning in to his touch, you could feel his breath against your skin. 

“I, The Great Mammon, am really lucky that I have ya. I’d go as far as sayin’ you’re the best treasure I’ve ever gotten, and I didn’t even have to steal ya.” The heat of his breath lingered on your face, making you smile at his kind words.

“Just kiss me already, moron.”

With that being said, he did as he was told. His lips met yours in a gentle kiss. His lips lingering against yours. Savouring every moment he could. Perfection. It was everything he had ever dreamed of and more. 

When he pulled away, the room was silent. Averting his eyes away from you and shifting a bit in his seat. He was embarrassed by how much you and your affection really affected him. Never in all of his years of living did he imagine falling for a human. The demon checked his D.D.D for the time, which indicated it was midnight.

Breaking the silence between you both, he looked back to you. 

“...Oh! It’s midnight! The start of my birthday!”

You smiled at his excitement. The last time you’d ever seen him this happy was when he got Goldie back.

“My life wouldn’t be the same without you, Mammon. Happy birthday.” 

He was shocked by your comment. He wasn’t expecting such a heartfelt birthday wish. 

“Oh man, I just felt my heart melt.” Mammon chuckled. “I’m so happy that I’m even more awake now! How am I going to fall asleep?” 

Getting up carefully with a grin, you took his hand and brought him over to his bed where you peeled back the covers to crawl in. Complying after turning off the lights, he got in next to you, pulling you close to him.

“I ain’t lettin’ you go tonight. Got it?” His voice was low. You closed your eyes, he had you wrapped tight in his arms, his warmth transferring to your body. You could feel him breathe out a sigh of relief, enjoying and savouring the moment he had with your body pressed tight against his. 

“I wish we could stay like this forever.” 

~

[echo-of-sounds]

smut alphabet - gang orca

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Kugo’s beyond sweet. There’s always this lingering fear in the back of his mind that he’ll accidentally hurt you so whenever you’re done, he looks over your body. Any marks or bruises will get licked. If you want a bath, he’ll run one and massage your back. If you’re tired, you can sleep on his chest. 

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Your tummy and thighs are going to get grabbed and squeezed. It doesn’t matter your size or scars- it’s the soft skin that draws him in. He’ll nip there as well, marking you where others can’t see. 

He isn’t shy or self-conscious about his body. It’s just different. He’s never had a favorite part of himself. But he does enjoy it when you play with his fingers and kiss his forehead. Anytime/anywhere you gently touch him, he’ll consider that his favorite place.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

There’s always a lot of it. And it’s incredibly hot and thick. The first time he cums in you it might feel a little uncomfortable since so it’s unlike others.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He will never do or say it, but he sometimes thinks about having sex in the ocean. The smell of salt, your water covered body, the hot sun beating down on you as he holds and thrusts into you is often what he pictures when he masturbates or has a wet dream.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

You could count his sexual encounters on one hand. He feels like he isn’t exactly what people are looking for in a partner and it’s led him to never seeking out a relationship. On the off chance someone does want him, it takes a while for any sexual acts to happen. Again, he isn’t shy. But he does get in his own head. Be open with him and tell him often that he’s exactly what you want. Your reassurance helps him feel comfortable.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

He likes having you on top where you can control the pace. He’ll squeeze your body as it bounces. When he does get in a dominant mood, he’ll grab your hips and take over. He’s strong enough to move your body however he wants. Sometimes, after a long day that’s pent him up with stress, he’ll throw you on the bed and take complete control. You’ll be sore and sweaty but feeling him thrust deep down into you is worth every second of it.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

He’s rather serious, notably in the way he talks. His compliments are genuine and his voice remains low. He occasionally puts himself down with all his flattery. While it’s great to feel beautiful and loved, it’s better to feel that way when he isn’t commenting negatively about himself. You could teach him to lighten up just a little or at least discuss how he talks.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

Uh, none. He’s a whale.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

He adores intimacy. It's something he hasn’t had a lot of in his life- either platonic or romantic. Hence why he leans more towards the serious side. He wants to experience every sensation you give him.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

Not often. Whenever he’s felt aroused or horny, he’d redirect his energy into work. He masturbates once in a blue moon in the shower- quickly and quietly. Once in a relationship, he’ll seek you out if he’s ever in need of a release.

Porn has never had any appeal to him. He doesn’t know precisely why. Maybe he just never found a genre he likes. Instead, he’ll close his eyes and picture whoever has his affection. 

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Call him daddy or sir just once and he’ll be hooked. He won’t even know he found that hot and exciting until you said it. Dirty talk and rough sex will take him some time to get used to.

A size difference kink is ingrained in him. Seeing how big his hands are as they roam over your body and how much you have to spread your legs just to straddle him really turns him on. It feeds into his daddy/sir kink.

He loves cumming inside you. He feels more connected to you and loves watching it drip slowly out. And though he won’t express it until a few years into your relationship, he really wants children. Starting a family with you is something he thinks of often.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

He’s most comfortable having sex on the bed or in the bath. Bed because you can spread out and bath because of the water. Yet, he isn’t completely opposed to the couch or other places if you’re that horny.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

If you want to gradually get him going, gently stroke him. His skin is more sensitive than others, particularly on his thighs. Few people have touched there and he’s very aware anytime your fingers grace over him.

If you want him then and there, straddle his hips and grind. He’ll be ready for you in seconds. Don’t bother taking his or your clothes off, just pull him out and sit.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn-offs)

Despite his dirty secret, he will never have public sex or sex somewhere there a possibility of getting caught. His reputation is important to him and he will uphold it. Also, no seriously rough sex. He can spank and pull your hair but he will not choke you or slap your face. Part of it is he’s incredibly strong and worries. The other part is he doesn’t like genuine pain, giving or receiving.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

It’s somewhat difficult for him to give oral. His teeth are sharp and he doesn’t have lips to help. That leaves him with only his tongue to work with. It can feel good but might not get you there. To make up for it, he’ll watch videos on how to use his hands better. He’ll approach you one day and surprise you with how much he’s learned.

He’s not opposed to receiving. He actually enjoys it a fair amount- watching your lips wet with drool and precum and feeling your tongue rub along his underside as you kneel between his thighs is a huge turn on. He does feel it's a little unfair since he can’t reciprocate with his own mouth. 

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

It's a mixture of hard and sensual. He’ll slam deep within you as he whispers how beautiful you are. He’ll claw your thighs as he tenderly bumps your forehead. 

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

He doesn’t really like them. He savors the times when your body is against his and quickies take away from that.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

He doesn’t like risks. But he will experiment with you. His experience is limited so he’s willing to explore anything he might enjoy. Especially if you’re excited about it. He’ll try most things at least once for you.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Most of the time he can go for two rounds. Each lasting twenty/twenty-five minutes. Those days where he’s completely dominant, he can last longer. You’ll be exhausted by the time he finishes once.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

He’s never felt the need to own or use one with the few partners he’s had. He likes it when it’s just you, him, and the pleasure you get from each other. If you really want to use a toy, he’ll give in and try. It won’t be something he’ll want every time.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He doesn’t tease intentionally. His hands will linger on your upper thighs until you ask for more. He’ll hold you down on him until you ask to move. He won’t notice unless you point it out.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

While he may not moan, he does have deep, low groans that vibrate his chest. He keeps himself quiet to hear you because he adores the sounds you make. Gasps, sighs, moans- it all means you’re enjoying yourself.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

His skin feels somewhat rubbery, almost like a cross between an orca’s and a human’s. It can feel weird when you first start dating. More so when you have sex.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

No, he doesn’t have two penises. No, it isn’t a wiggly pink thing like whales have. His anatomy is still mostly human so it does look like a human’s. He’s probably around 7 ½ inches and definitely a grower not a shower. His girth is what’s hard to take. And even though it isn’t exactly like a whale’s, you can feel him squirm and throb inside of you.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

After the years of not having a relationship, his sex drive lowered. When you become intimate it will increase. He’ll start to crave your body. Your smell will linger with him, making him need you more.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Sex doesn’t tire him out. He’s strong, fit, and used to greater exertion than sex. If you want to sleep, he’ll make sure you’ve been cleaned and cared for then let you lay on his chest.

[thevindicativevordan]

On Supergirl

Figured I should put up my thoughts about Kara in the wake of her first film appearance being announced, and the final season of her TV show fast approaching. Short version is: Kara is very cool and DC needs to stop messing with her. 

My Introduction to Kara

I was introduced to Kara the way most millennials/Gen Zers were I imagine, via the Loeb Superman/Batman arc which brought the traditional Kara Zor-El Supergirl take into Post-Crisis continuity, after years of DC attempting to have a “Supergirl” without violating the editorial mandate that Kal needed to be the literal “Last Son of Krypton” (an example of one of the dumb ways DC fucked Kara over). Story goes that one day Dan Didio was in line at the Superman ride at Six Flags (I love that ride even though it’s stolen my glasses every time I’ve ridden it, even when I left them in a locker!). The ride had signs that talked about various Superman characters. Didio was reading the entry for Supergirl where it talked about her not being Clark’s cousin but instead some weird merge of alien shapeshifter, angel, and human girl, and he realized how fucking stupid that was, and he went back to the office and told Loeb to bring Kara back. 

Years later I would also be standing in line at the Six Flags Superman ride (probably at a different park location but who knows?) as a youngster and would read the new Supergirl sign that trumpeted that Superman had a cousin who shared all his powers, an update reflecting the new Loeb origin. I thought she sounded pretty cool, made a note to see if my library had any Supergirl stories next time I visited, then got on the Superman ride and promptly lost my glasses like an idiot because I wanted to take them off while I was riding and pretend I was changing from my “disguise” into Superman mid flight. My dad grounded me for this afterwards, but it gave me a funny story to tell at family get togethers and isn’t that what Six Flags is all about?

A month later (and with spiffy new glasses), my mom dropped me off at a new library next to where she worked, and they had one of the best Superman collections I’ve ever seen to this day. I was in heaven and while reading every Superman book I could find (I couldn’t check them out because I didn’t have a card, my mom’s card didn’t cover the area the library was in, and my mom wouldn’t have checked them out anyway since comics were “too violent”), I found the trade collecting Kara’s new origin. I read it and I thought both she and Superman were really cool, and Batman was a  punk who had to beat Darkseid by cheating, the loser. Turner’s art to my young eyes was the best I had ever seen, and the panels got engraved into my brain. 

I still get downright nostalgic whenever I see Turner Superman or Supergirl stuff. I also got my parents to rent the animated movie adaption of the Superman/Batman arc from Blockbuster (remember those?), and that sealed the deal. Seeing Kara hold her own against Darkseid convinced me she was as cool as her cousin. Next time my mom dropped me off at the library next to her workplace, I went looking for Supergirl stuff to read. I found the first volume of her new volume by Joe Kelly taking place after the Loeb arc and dove in.

It was... weird. 5 years later I might have enjoyed it but at the time I was majorly put off. Kara took a secret identity for a day and then ditched it because it was “stupid” and the kids bullied her. She was always getting into fights with Kal, and there was this weird plot that I couldn’t follow about how her dad had sent her to kill Kal, maybe or maybe not? Also she could grow crystals which I thought was dumb, and said she was stronger than her cousin which I couldn’t buy for a second given he looked like he was carved out of marble, and she looked like she relied on sunlight instead of food. I put the volume back on the shelf and kinda gave up on reading the character after that for a while. 

I followed her via the DC wiki updates just like I did Superman, and everything I read seemed dumb and convoluted. She was split in two, moped around a lot, made out with an alternate version of her cousin, and basically just flopped about the same way the rest of the Superfamily did during the 00s. Nothing made me think I had made a mistake dropping Kara until I read the latest update to her wiki page.

I was super into what I was reading about the Busiek/Johns era of Superman online. Lex was back and making a big revenge scheme that involved all the other Rogues! Old Superman Rogues were getting revamped and made cool again! Johns reintroduced Brainiac and made him a big threat, with Kal and Kara teaming up to fight him! Busiek was revamping Prankster and telling big ambitious Superman stories! For the first time in a long while, the consensus on the Internet was that Superman was good again. My “home” library had zero Marvel books and no Superman or Batman books, all their DC stuff was Flash or Green Lantern, mainly written by Johns. Insane to think back on now. My hopes that because Johns was involved with Superman, Superman books would show up at my library were fulfilled. They started bringing in Busiek and Johns collections, and someone there also ordered Sterling Gates’ first volume of Supergirl, and I checked everything out since I was old enough to have my own library card, and my parents were worried more about the violent video games I was playing rather than comics.

I read everything and loved it. I also really liked Gates’ take on Kara. She was still an imperfect teenager but she wasn’t insufferably angsty or constantly fighting with Kal. She was going to give the secret identity another try and Lana had “adopted” her. It’s funny remembering how I enjoyed all that given my current thoughts on how Kara should work, but it was great at the time. I liked Gates introducing new foes for Kara, some classic Superman Rogues adapted for her like Bizzarogirl, others crafted specifically for her like Reactron. Gates’ basically rekindled my enjoyment of Kara the same way Busiek & Johns rekindled my enjoyment of Superman.

Of course it ended terribly like everything Superman-related seems to.

I’ve got a whole post I want to do about New Krypton and what came after. In short that is the most blatant example of “hitting the reset button” that I’ve ever seen. All the potential got wasted, and afterwards everything except Lex’s Action Comics stuff just didn’t appeal to me. Gates got booted off Kara for Nick Spencer who ended up leaving himself later, a promising Teen Titans line-up with Kara on it didn’t happen, and the last proper Pre-Flashpoint Superfamily story was a crappy team-up with Doomsday against Bigger Doomsday (thank God for Cornell’s final Luthor/Superman confrontation at least). When news of the reboot arrived, I was honestly happy. The Superline needed an enema.

Controversial opinion time: I liked New 52 Supergirl. It’s weird because a lot of the stuff I hated about Kelly’s run was here, and a lot of the stuff I loved about the Gates’ run was not. This was angry, moody, emotional Kara again, fighting with Kal and not fond of Earth. But I was in my teens at this point, and I didn’t want happy go-lucky Superman or Supergirl. I wanted my heroes angry, scared of the future, ready to go out there and smash some cars. Morrison’s Action Comics was 100% my jam (still is once I really understood the deeper meaning beneath the work) and this Kara felt like a natural fit for this universe. Plus we got Asrar on art and that guy made it damn pretty to look at, lots of cool science fiction stuff going on, even with the dumb H’el storyline.

I loved all the new Rogues Kara got. I loved her new Fortress under the ocean. I loved how traumatized she was by the loss of Krypton, that she wanted more than anything to go home, that her cousin was like a stranger to her since they had been apart for so long. I found all of that incredibly relatable. A lot of the New 52 Supergirl stories might have been schlock but it was my type of schlock damnit, and I enjoyed it!

I kept with her New 52 series all the way through the Red Daughter Saga (which I loved). As someone who grew up on Johns GL (since that was the only comics my home library had), seeing a Supercharacter join a Lantern Corp was the hypest thing ever. I loved the finale about Kara finally letting go of her anger and losing the ring while smashing her foe into the sun, it was incredibly cathartic for me as an angry teen myself. I finally stopped following her series sometime after since I was no longer enjoying the Superline or really DC as a whole. It wasn’t until I heard that New 52 Superman died and the “old” Superman was back, that I checked back into DC.

DC Rebirth & How I Think Kara Should Work

I did not enjoy Supergirl Rebirth, and I think I’ll talk about my problems with it alongside how I think Kara as a character should work since the two are related. A pet peeve of mine that has formed over the years is this: I don’t like it when Superfamily members get turned into Clark clones. Kon wearing glasses and going to Smallville High. Kara going to high school and being involved in journalism. Jon more or less being written as a copy of his dad personality-wise. I hate that kind of stuff because it’s boring. What’s the point of a Superfamily if everyone is just copying Clark? It also doesn’t fit the characters especially in Kara’s case. Why the hell does she want to be a journalist? Were there journalists on Krypton? I don’t remember ever seeing one! Shouldn’t she want to be, I dunno, a scientist? That seems to have been the El family tradition, wouldn’t she have been groomed for that?

This one-off by Shea is honestly the only acceptable outcome for Kara going into journalism for me. She realizes she’s just copying her cousin and switches to something she wants to do. So Orlando copying the show, which already basically turned Kara into an expy of her cousin, just did not appeal to me at all. What had worked for me under Gates way back when was not clicking for me this time. I wanted to see Kara embody the principles of the S-shield in a different way than her cousin did. So I really enjoyed when Rebirth ended and we moved into the Bendis era with Andrekyo relaunching the title as Kara in space.

Kara in space has always felt like a good fit for me. Unlike Kal I’ve come to believe that Kara really shouldn’t be all that fond of Earth. For him it’s home, but for her it’s just where she ended up after her real home got destroyed. I think Kara works well as a sort of nomad, occasionally making stops back home to Earth to check on her cousin, but otherwise? She’s more comfortable out in space than she could ever be on Earth. Out in space she can be Kryptonian (which is what she should think of herself as in contrast to Clark being torn between his Kryptonian biology and human upbringing, and Jon/Kon identifying as human), be her true self, not have to pretend to be human to fit in. Kara founding a moon refuge was one of the best ideas for her that I’ve seen, I would love if DC made her Future State refugee center on the moon canon. I’m excited for more Kara adventures in space with the upcoming Tom King story.

Also love that her and Krypto are getting tied together, if they don’t want to use Krypto in Superman’s stuff, let her have him! Bring on cosmic adventurer Supergirl!

Personality & Other Traits

Kara to me should be more hot-tempered than her cousin. All the Superfamily members should have a temper in my opinion, I see that as the “Deadly Sin” of Superman and his family. But while Kal is like a simmering pot that will explode if it’s left cooking for too long, Kara is like dynamite. Light her fuse at your own peril because she will go off on you.

I also like the idea of Kara being rash. Kal’s got a maturity that came from over a decade of having to live with Lex Luthor constantly getting away with all his evil schemes. He’s patient because he’s been forced to be. Kara? If you ask for her help she’ll give it, but beware because she doesn’t really care about the long term impacts of her decisions. She’s an invulnerable teenager after all.

Really liked that Venditti Annual where Kara got tutored in history by a reincarnation of Hawkman. Kara having a passion for history is a neat trait, would be nice to see her teach Kal or Jon some Kryptonian lore, or have her lead a Kryptonian holiday celebration for the Superfamily because she’s the only one who remembers how to do it. 

Sexuality wise I know a lot of people ship Kara and Lena on account of the chemistry between the two in the show. I haven’t watched the show myself but I’m fine with making Kara bisexual, the Superfamily could use some LGBT+ rep, and Lena hasn’t done anything of worth as a villain, so undo that and throw the two together. If we’re letting Harley and Ivy get away with murder I think we can let Lena off the hook too, undo the Ultrawoman weirdness and put the two together. Could be fun seeing the two building that moon refuge together.

All in all I think Kara is a great character who is a stronger embodiment of the immigrant experience than even her cousin in some ways. I hope King does a good job with her, she’s treated better than her cousin on the film side, and that overall the 20s are a better decade for Supergirl than the 10s were.

[sunshinereversed]

𝙙𝙮𝙡𝙖𝙣’𝙨 “𝙛𝙡𝙤𝙬𝙚𝙧𝙨 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙡𝙡”: 𝙖𝙣 𝙖𝙣𝙖𝙡𝙮𝙨𝙞𝙨

I think it’s eerily prophetic how the song “Flowers on the Wall” (performed by the Statler Brothers) radiates so strongly with Dylan Klebold. The country tune has already been associated with Dylan because it appears in the background of the video where he and Nate are driving to school. But if you really listen to the lyrics and reflect on Dylan’s inner struggles, they coincide strangely well.

Let’s take the very first line of the song.

I keep hearin' you're concerned about my happiness.

The constant ‘Are you okay? Are you sure you’re okay? You seem so down lately’ from his parents, especially Sue, is reflected here. His mother sees that Dylan is ‘moody and irritable,’ often withdrawn, spending time hauled up in his room. She notices the tightness of his voice, which is unlike him, and she offers to make him French toast or an omelet. This must be about something small, she thinks. Yet his sullen demeanor stays as days turn to weeks, and she must ask again in vain, ‘Are you okay?’

But all that thought you're givin' me is conscience, I guess.

It doesn’t even cross Sue’s mind that her son may be unwell. She is simply asking out of concern for him looking unhappy, believing whatever it is will solve itself out. His mother wears her heart on her sleeve, and it pains her to see him so sad. But what can she do if he refuses to talk about it? All she can do is ask and wait for it to pass. He’s a good kid, after all. He’ll do the right thing because she’s worked hard to instill her morals into what he does.

If I were walkin' in your shoes, I wouldn't worry none.

Dylan reassures her repeatedly. ‘I’m only tired. I have a lot of homework. Nothing’s wrong. No one gives me a tough time, I’m 6’4”.’ He wishes she would leave him alone. He thinks she wouldn’t understand; she wouldn’t listen. He tells his parents not to worry. ‘You can trust me,’ he tells his mother one evening after the prom. Dylan goes out of his way to prove that he is the golden child. It works, and they worry none.

While you 'n' your friends are worried about me I'm havin' lots of fun.

Dylan’s social life serves as a mask for what is going on in his mind. He goes over to his friends’ houses, bowls on Friday nights, makes videos after school, plays catch with his dad, and even watches old movies with his mother. He has pictures of good times with friends. Outwardly, he is smiling; life is a dream. This makes his parents rethink their concerns. He’s a happy kid who does normal teenage things. What is there to worry about? He’s assuring those around him that he’s fine.

Now here comes the chorus, which is a bit tricky but makes sense when you consider these things:

Countin' flowers on the wall.

If anyone is familiar with the book The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman, this might be a clue. Like the protagonist in the book, Dylan is trapped in his four-walled cell (his bedroom) which is where he does most of his thinking and spiraling downwards. This is where he writes in his journal and vents his frustrations. It’s a toxic environment for his brain. His room is where he cries himself to sleep; hugs his pillow in loneliness; gets drunk by himself. Most importantly, it’s where he blurs fantasy and reality. While not as plainly mad as the poor woman from Gilman’s novel, Dylan is mentally tortured by what he perceives to be ‘an unfair/miserable existence’ and being ‘stuck in humanity.’ He rejects both, and often retreats into his fantasy where he is with his love and away from the world. The ‘flowers on the wall’ symbolizes his own deception of life when he is alone, and might not only symbolize his bedroom, but also his brain.

That don't bother me at all.

Unlike the real world, Dylan very much prefers to live in the fictional one he’s conjured within his mind. It’s his safe place. Paradoxically, his mind is also where he tears himself down and others around him. It’s a poisonous escape. Yet he is already so far gone in that escape, he can’t see the damage he is doing to himself. And he continues to do so, unbothered, and unaware.

Playin' solitaire till dawn with a deck of fifty-one.

‘Playing solitaire’ could be a metaphor symbolizing his isolation and loneliness, his solitude. Solitaire is a single-player game, and Dylan feels alienated most of the time, especially when he is sulking in his room. Thinking, always thinking. Sometimes, as the line implies, until dawn. He is a night owl who cannot sleep because his mind is constantly awake. Playing music, conversing in chats on the computer, formulating poems in his notebooks, doodling, or just thinking (negatively). He oversleeps often because he is up late doing these things. He is alone, in the middle of the night, consumed by his own sadness. Something is missing inside him, and that is why he plays with ‘a deck of fifty-one.’ He thinks a significant other is the thing that is missing, and if he finds her, he will finally be playing with fifty-two cards, figuratively.

Smokin' cigarettes and watchin' Captain Kangaroo.

For Dylan, this is a dichotomy. An everlasting contrast. The balance between two things, lightness, and darkness, good and evil, etc. He’s doing grown-up things like holding a job, applying to colleges, driving a car, and as the lyrics say, smoking cigarettes. Marlboro, preferably. At the same time, Dylan is caught between acting his age and longing for simpler days. This is where ‘watching Captain Kangaroo’ comes in. It’s a kid’s show and is intended for such an audience. Dylan thinks back with nostalgia for his childhood, when life wasn’t full of disappointments, stress, high school bullies, responsibility. He hangs onto items that remind him of his youth: his stuffed koala, origami, classic movies, his trademark baseball cap, his love for fixing old cars with his dad. Dylan is stuck somewhere in the middle of the two, never truly satisfied with one over the other.

Now don't tell me I've nothin' to do.

Again, Dylan tells those around him that he is perfectly fine by engaging in normal teenage things. He hides how depressed he feels. Dylan becomes increasingly irritated the more people ask if he’s okay. The repetition of this line throughout the song is more like a cry for help than a reassurance.

Last night I dressed in tails, pretended I was on the town.

This could symbolize several things, but what comes to my mind is Dylan’s prom night. The fact that he even goes to prom is a pleasant surprise to his parents, confirming that there’s nothing abnormal lurking on the horizon. His father helps him get dressed in his tuxedo, struggles to figure out how the bow tie works, and he pulls his newly washed hair back into a neat ponytail. His mother thinks he looks quite handsome, comparing him to a character in a movie they are both fond of. For a moment, he is just a normal high school kid going to a dance. Nothing out of the boring ordinary.

As long as I can dream it's hard to slow this swinger down.

For one night, at the prom, Dylan pretends this is his life. He is good at blocking out what he considers evil, and Dylan allows himself to enjoy the moment. He’s had a lot of practice at ignoring his pain. If he can retreat into the fantasy he’s created in his mind, he is capable of anything, good or bad. It’s like an out-of-body experience. He’s not there when he’s there. Nothing can stop him. He has two settings at this point, 0 and 100. An unhealthy dreamer can be deadly not only to others, but to the dreamer himself.

So please don't give a thought to me, I'm really doin' fine.

As mentioned previously, Dylan flies under the radar to not be asked about his well-being. He holds out his arms to point to all these social activities he’s engaging in with his friends as if to say ‘Look what I’m doing. I’m fine. Do not worry.’ It’s a cruel deception, and he doesn’t even realize he is being deceived as much as those around him are. Dylan starts to believe what he’s telling others. He doesn’t think he is worth the worry.

You can always find me here; I'm havin' quite a time.

‘Here’ can mean one of several places: his bedroom, his mind, or perhaps his existence. Either way, ‘I’m having quite a time’ is a sarcastic remark. He’s drowning in his harmful thoughts, yet that’s where he feels the safest. It’s his protective shell that he puts up against the world. Dylan entertains the idea over and over in his mind that his love is waiting for him in another existence. No matter where he physically is, he’s ‘always there’, lost in his thoughts.

The chorus repeats. Dylan outwardly seems okay. Left to his own devices, he is not.

It's good to see you, I must go, I know I look a fright.

This is a goodbye. Even though it is a casual farewell, it has deeply painful undertones. He says he didn’t like life too much but hopes he will find peace in the next one. He offers a final goodbye to those he loved, family and friends. ‘It’s good to see you’ displays how detached he feels toward the end. These are no longer people he knows fondly; it was simply good to see them. The thoughts must end, and he must leave before they worsen. Like the lyrics suggest, he doesn’t want to stick around and knows he must go. A big part of his self-esteem had to do with his self-image. The line ‘I know I look a fright’ symbolizes how negatively he thought of his own appearance. Dylan couldn’t see his own attractiveness. He felt awkward due to his height, long facial features, shaggy hair, and the way he dressed.

Anyway, my eyes are not accustomed to this light.

This is the trademark dark sunglasses that Dylan wears almost everywhere. He hides behind them, shielding his tears from the world. The light comes from the sun, and he cannot withstand the same light that others can, a nod to him feeling isolated from humanity. Though he is called the ‘sunshine boy,’ his eyes are not meant for its light. So, he dawns the shades to (metaphorically) keep it out.

And my shoes are not accustomed to this hard concrete.

Unlike the sneakers worn by the jocks at his high school, Dylan sports black combat boots. They are unusual among the other students, but Dylan feels comfortable in them. Again, he separates himself from the rest of humanity. He is not meant for it. He knows he must go somewhere he feels free.

So I must go back to my room and make my day complete.

By the end of the song, it becomes clear that Dylan now lives inside the world he’s created in his mind. It almost becomes odd for him not to retreat there at least once a day if not all the time. But like the final lyrics, he goes to stay there forever and never to return.

The final repetition of the chorus only emphasizes the truth. He was not ‘doing fine’, despite all the work of convincing others the opposite.

The last line loops again before the song ends. The upbeat and happy tune only makes the message more haunting.

Don't tell me I've nothin' to do.

And no one did.

[ashintheairlikesnow]

WIP Wednesday: Whumptober Previews, Take 2

I still have a few more to go, but I am in the final stretch for writing my @whumptober2020​ pieces! I already posted one preview of what I have so far (you can see Days 1-12 here), so here are previews for the rest of what I have written - and sneak peeks at what’s planned out but not written yet! 

Whumptober starts tomorrow - we’ll see how you feel about my work this go-round! Last year, Whumptober Day 1 introduced Daniel Michaelson. This year... it starts with Danny, too.

Day 13:

“Vanni, they thought he was you.”

“I know, Ridley!” Rossi never snapped at Ridley, but here it was, and Connor forced in a hitching, shaky inhale around the tremendous, inescapable weight pressing down on him, determined to keep breathing long enough to understand. “I know they did.”

“And they fucking poisoned him and then dumped him to fucking die-”

“I know!” The two men went silent for a second, Ridley staring with shock at Rossi and Rossi glaring furious towards the window without looking back. Connor’s breath, rattling in his struggling lungs, was the only sound in the room.

Day 14:

Peter glanced over his shoulder, back towards the house. The thermometer had climbed a little more, reading 98.5 degrees Farenheit now, and Peter blinked as he shivered again, swallowing without any saliva. His mouth felt dry, and strange. Why was he shivering - how did he have goosebumps - if it was almost one hundred degrees?

As if he’d heard Peter’s thoughts, the side door opened and Micheal came out, wearing his weekend outfit of slim black slacks and a pale heathered gray t-shirt, what Madam allowed him to wear. He was carrying a glass of water with ice and a little striped straw stuck in the top. The black shock collar he was never allowed to remove - not yet, Madam said, not until Micheal learned how to be silent without needing encouragement, to her satisfaction - cut a wide band across his neck, the black box small and nearly perfectly blended in at the back. 

“Peter,” He said in a low voice - not quite a whisper, but just as quiet. “I brought you a drink, I-” He looked up, squinting towards the sky. “It’s hot. Should you be out here?”

Day 15:

He drops back to the ground, groaning, eyes fluttering open and shut, before he reaches out to grip onto Ora’s arm again. He turns to look at them, and his eyes are glowing so brightly he can see the reflected light on Ora’s face, the flicker of yellow against their irises. There are things that move beneath the light in Ryan Michaelson’s eyes, and he no longer feels them pushed back under the surface of his skin. 

“I’m so fucking hungry,” He whispers, and his fingernails dig into Ora’s arm until they begin to bleed and whimper, but they don’t - can’t - pull away. Not until he lets them.

They will be lost in his eyes until he decides to let them go.

Day 16:

Count to ten, Tris! One… two...

Her voice is so loud he jumps, but when he looks to the left, nothing’s there. Just the white walls, plain and featureless, white tiles that were smooth under his fingertips back when he was allowed to touch them. 

Everything is cold, and the boy has been shivering for so long that his muscles ache from the constant tense-and-release, tense-and-release, struggling to keep him warm.

Day 17:

She giggles a little, then glances over her shoulder, mouths something at the cameraman. Oliver can guess what. Edit that out.

Kelly Donahue doesn’t want the episode to be aired with her giggling like a schoolgirl at a bit of idle flattery. Well. Everyone has their things they like to hide, don’t they?

She has her giggle. Oliver has a teenage boy locked in his bedroom.

Day 18:

“Your mother,” Patrick interrupted, with gentle violence, “believes that you are squandering an opportunity.”

“An-... a what-”

“We respect your decision - and your brother’s - to refuse interviews, especially at his early date.” Patrick sounded like he’d rehearsed this answer, delivered with the same smooth cadence he had during his speeches before the Board of Directors. “But, considering the effort it took us to find you-”

“The effort it took Nate to find us,” Ryan corrected, ice growing along his veins at the same time it took over his voice. “Nate. It was Nate who watched the videos, it was Nate who talked Abraham into showing him the yard, it was Nate who spent fucking night after fucking night trolling fucking satellite photos to try and find us. Don’t act like the effort came from you. It came from my brother’s goddamn fiance.”

Day 19:

“If this is a trap, I’m going to owe Gavin fifty bucks.” Vera checked and rechecked her handgun, as though it would suddenly be less loaded than it was just a few minutes before. Her jaw was set in a grim line, eyes flashing a kind of damped-down fire, embers ready to spark. Her thick black hair, showing growing hints of gray, was pulled into a tight bun at the nape of her neck, and she wore a pair of black pants and a tucked-in t-shirt, ready for the fight she was definitely expecting. “I don’t want to owe Gavin money, Isaac.”

“It’s not a trap,” Isaac replied, making his own nervous check and recheck of the table and chairs. “I don’t think it is, anyway. My instincts are saying it isn’t.”

“Your instincts-”

“My instincts have been spot-on for a decade, Vera. Just trust me on this. She let us pick the day, the time, the location… she let us give her the location with less than four hours’ notice, even. If this is a trap, she’s piss-poor at setting it.”

Day 20:

He’d been flying, and the fall had been worse than the arrow, at first.

The sudden burst of white-hot pain had stunned him, caught him mid-spin enjoying an early-morning chill, and sent him tumbling to the ground below.

He’d heard his own frantic keens of panic and fear as if from a distance, and then they’d been drowned out when he slammed into the trees, feathers flying all around him as they were ripped free by the branches he smacked into one after another on the way down.

Day 21:

"Mmhmmm. Christopher. Stanton." Nat listens for a long time, then says quietly, "No known health problems. Autistic."

Jake looks up, and Nat calmly looks back at him, while speaking into the phone. "Yes. Yes, I'm confident. He is sensitive to fluorescent lights, scared of needles, and terrified of sedation. Yeah, I realize that I just described the exact environment we’re sending him into.” Chris whimpered, and Nat’s voice went ragged, her eyes closed tightly against the sight of his face pale, sweaty, twisted with pain. “Listen. Just-... just put on the fucking papers that Christopher Stanton is fucking autistic, because that's what my goddamn rescue is - I'll sell someone else's firstborn to fucking Satan if he isn't, mark my fucking words - and we're wasting time while he gets worse!"

Day 22:

Rossi picks the glass up and just as he tilts it up to his lips, Connor rears back and up on his knees and swings one of his hands, the black leather ‘paw’ smacking into the rim of the glass and spilling it in an arc across Rossi’s suit, onto the table, soaking his cards and hitting the next person at the table right in the eyes.

“Connor, what the fuck?!” Rossi’s voice isn’t furious, not yet - he’s too shocked to get beyond the simple surprise.

Day 23:

The drugs in his system weigh him down, he is too exhausted to understand what’s happening or how to begin to fight it. His eyes keep trying to close and stay closed, and he whimpers, forcing them back open.

“Pozhaluysta…” He groans, collapsing forward against the heavy solidity of the man, the soft tailored fabric of his expensive suitjacket, the scent of clove cigarettes that clings to him like a woman’s fingers clutching tightly. “Pozhaluysta, otpusti menya…”

Day 24:

“My name is Melody,” The girl said, nearly extending her hand, but then she realized the creature’s right hand was nothing but wickedly sharp talons, and it was bound in front of him to his left. “Oh, I’m sorry. What’s your name?”

The creature blinked once, twice. Watched her, tense and maybe suspicious, and then shook his head. “No… no name.” He spoke slowly, as though words came only with difficulty but a soft little trill sounded under one voice, layered it with another. “Pet.”

Day 25:

“Wh, where, where, where-where, where am, am I-”

“Sssshhhh.” The person in the dark blue uniform presses a plastic-gloved hand to his shoulder as he tries to sit up, pushing him back down. “Hey no, you gotta stay steady, there. Don’t move.”

“Please-... please, sir, h-hurts-”

“Not sir,” The person says, gently, a bit of auburn hair falling over their forehead. “Can you see?”

“K-Kind... kind of... hurts-”

“Sssshhhh. I know. I know it does. Just hang on. Tori’s going to help me get you some paperwork going. Don’t worry, kiddo.” The person pats him, lightly, and then looks up, brown eyes scanning the hallway outside. “You’re not the first we’ve pulled through this.”

Day 26:

Calon Nie hummed to himself, tapping talons on the floor, watching the boy sit so still, as though stillness could protect him from the dangers of the world. “Good. Failed, you, to keep new eyes. Costs a life, to give something new. Killan Josta, human boy, he fail Calon Nie. He fail the life given, when eyes don’t work. Did not respect sacrifice.”

“I’m… I’m sorry,” The boy said hoarsely, curling in on himself even more, his wings instinctively curling protectively around him. “I… I don’t want anyone to d-die for me. I didn’t mean to-... I didn’t mean to fail. I, I tried to p-pray for them, to stars, to-”

“Paugh! Mysteries do not hear you.”

Day 27:

Jake answers, and on the other side of the door, the old woman stands holding a large cardboard box in her arms, her grandson present, as nearly always, at her side. He holds a large box, too - so big, in fact, that only the top half of his face is visible.

“They’re sayin’ it could be a week before we get power back,” Ruth says, with a world-weary sigh. “A full-on week. We figured we’d bring you some supplies.” 

Day 28:

Ora Collins is hungry.

Day 29:

Jake is a tall man, but the emergency room always made him feel so small. Even now, part of him rehearses the scripted stories. I fell while climbing a tree. I crashed my bike. I tripped going down the stairs.

He has lies to tell today, just like he always has, but today the lies are for Chris, not himself.

He’s my brother. No, different dads, that’s all. His mom lives a few states away, I handle all his medical stuff. 

Day 30:

(AKA Possession, Part 2)

Ryan and Nate take down Abraham Denner.

Day 31:

Danny is left for dead.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #424

“got no superspeed, but i’m running this town”

What is the first line in the song you are currently listening to/last listened to? "I’m running out of time; I hope that I can save you somehow.” Are you an easy lay? Not in the slightest. What was the last reason you cried? Life and how inexplicably I'm failing at it. What’s hurting you right now? More like what isn't. Do you remember important dates? Only some. I'm awful with numbers. Do you own anything with the Playboy Bunny on it? No. Do you own a bean bag chair? No. Have you ever played Gamecube? At a friend's house. Have you ever played with toy cars before? Yeah, with my nephew. He LOVES monster trucks. Have you ever touched a caterpillar? Oh, definitely. I loved picking them up as a kid. What is your favorite kind of salad? Just plain 'ole iceberg lettuce with ranch, really. Are you any good at Ping-Pong? Holy hell no, I SUCK. What was/is your high school mascot? A firebird. Can you make cute little animals by folding paper? God no, I'm awful at origami. Like, I have zero concept of how to do it. What kind of music do you like? Various types of metal and rock. Do you like apple juice? Yeah. Do you like to draw? It's funny, like I do love it, but I barely ever do it because I get frustrated when I can't get what's in my head onto paper. What do you put on your french fries? Generally ketchup. How many people can comfortably sleep in your bed? Two. Do you want to have a big family in the future? I don't want kids, just pets. Probably a lot of pets. Is Vegas one of your must-see places? No. Pet rat: yay or nay? I've had multiple pet rats and I adore them. I've come to find I'm not the best at keeping rodents because changing the bedding so much sucks ass, but nevertheless they are fantastic pets for people who don't mind the maintenance. Would you call yourself a writer? Written any stories lately? Yes. I haven't written in a while, though. I just have absolutely zero motivation to RP. Are you good at reading people's body language? I probably overanalyze it, really. Ever threatened somebody and actually went through with it? I don’t threaten people. Does holding newborn babies scare you? Extremely. I feel like they're made of thin glass. Piercings: yay or nay? I LOVE piercings. They add an interesting touch to your appearance and to me just (usually) look super cool. There are very few piercings I don't like. Do you have a collage of pictures in your bedroom? No, but I want to make a motivation board very badly. Favorite Nicholas Cage movie? Ghost Rider. Were video games better in the 1980s, 1990s, or the 2000s? Why? '80s games bore me honestly, but I love some '90s and many 2000s games. I've got to say ultimately newer games win, because of graphics increasing immersion (no, I do not whatsoever believe graphics are everything or always make a better experience), voice acting improving immensely, etc. Have you ever watched The Beverly Hillbillies? Yes! Mom loves it so I used to watch it a lot with her as a kid. I'd still watch it. Did your mother ever sing lullabies to you when you were younger? Yes. Are you ready to get out of this town? I HATE THIS TOOOWN, IT'S SO WASHED UUU-UP, AND ALL MY FRIENDS DON'T GIVE A FUUU-UUUUUCK god hell yes get me the fuck out. Do you know anybody that is pregnant right now? Quite a few. What are you listening to? "Superluv” by Shane Dawson. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket? No. Does your father have any facial hair? Yes. Did your grandparents teach you anything? My maternal grandmother, the only one I really ever knew, taught me I'm a disappointment, pretty much. And a bitch. Do you want/have a Bachelor’s degree? It'd be nice to have one, but I don't, and I'm not pursuing it again. I've wasted enough of my parents' money. Are you into superheroes? Who’s your favourite? Not seriously, but I enjoy them well enough. I like Spider-Man. What did you have for dinner last night? Mom ordered Mexican. I had two shrimp and cheese quesadillas and rice with cheese. Do you think you look similar to your siblings? No. Have you ever played Cards Against Humanity? Did you like it? Yeah, it's fun. Do you know your best friend’s middle name? Yes. Are you close to your father? I am. Have you ever had a serious conversation with your dad? Yeah. Would you rather have long or short hair? I enjoy having short hair way more. Who did you go/plan on going with to prom? I went with Jason twice. Have you ever been to a debate and speech tournament? Hell no, and I never would. Arguing makes me cry lmao. Are you someone who enjoys stand-up comedy? Yep. What’s one thing that scares you about living alone and being independent? A lot of things do, but one thing in specific that I fear is that I let the house become cluttered and messy. I'm so shit at cleaning, especially when I'm depressed. It's why my own bedroom isn't even fully decorated, and we've lived here since I wanna say last November. If someone offered you an all-expenses paid trip to one European country, where would you go and why? Germany, 'cuz I enjoy the culture and would love to try some foods and visit places. Have you ever won anything on the lottery? No. Are you interested in the World Cup? I couldn't possibly care less. What’s the longest time you’ve ever been on a plane for? Idk. Do you let your hair dry naturally or do you towel-dry it or blow dry it? I use a towel to dry it some, then let it really get the job done naturally. How many of the Harry Potter books have you read? None. Who last gave you their number? When I posted on Facebook about going on a mental health hiatus, my good friend Alon messaged me her number if I ever needed to talk. I was really thankful. Are you often the last one to understand a joke? Honestly yeah. I'm slow to grasp a lot of things. Your first black eye: Did you give it or get it? Never gotten or given one. Have you ever slept in a tent, indoors or out? Yes to both. Are you mad right now? I'm annoyed, but not mad. Are you allergic to nuts or dairy products? No. Has anyone ever called the cops on you? No. Do you ever actually drink milk alone? Yeah, I love milk. Do you have a sensitive gag reflex? It is EXTREMELY sensitive. What was the last situation to upset you? I'd rather not talk about it. Have you ever had an online argument? I have been heavily active on the Internet since I was like, 11. Maybe younger. I have been in plenty. Are you at risk for any medical issues? A lot of heart problems run in my family. I'm also suspicious I may develop diabetes, which also runs very heavily in my family. What were you doing at 7:00 a.m.? Surprisingly, I was asleep. Do you own a robe? No. What would you consider your life to be? A wreck. What is your favorite mark of punctuation? I like question marks. Who knows your biggest secret? Nobody. Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Probably not. How do you know? I just doubt it. I'm so unlikable right now. Could you go a day without eating? I don't think I could. I do not react to stomach pain well, and that includes when I'm hungry. How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now? None. What’s your favorite drink? Strawberry Sunkist, but I don't allow myself to have it. I will DESTROY a can or five of it. Who was the last person that texted you? My mom. What are you craving? Nothing really right now. What was the first thing you ate today? An everything bagel. What was the last type of meat you ate? Pork. Have you taken any medication today? Yeah, I take some prescription meds in the morning and at night. Have you ever been to Hawaii? No, but that'd be cool. Do you know anyone who has diabetes? My mom, for one. Have you ever made a boy cry? Sadly. Who are you talking to? Nobody. Do you think you’ve ruined your chances with someone? Absolutely. Your parents split; would you want to live with your mom or dad? My parents are divorced, and I stayed with Mom. Would you strongly prefer to go out with someone of your own skin color/racial background? I couldn't care less. For you personally, is abortion an option in case of an accidental pregnancy? For others, absolutely. It's your right. For me myself, it's possible, idk. If I was God forbid raped, I probably would have an abortion. If I accidentally got pregnant in a healthy relationship, I'd probably have a "too bad, so sad" outlook where I'd suck it up and go through with the gestation because having sex and risking pregnancy was my own decision. Even if I'm pro-choice, I think I'd feel too guilty aborting, especially with the child being someone's I love. Is it a requirement that you communicate every day with your significant other (via phone, text, in person, whatever)? IF I had an s/o, no. I like to, but sometimes you just want space. Are you fetish-friendly? I'm not gonna lie, some fetishes are just too fucking weird for me. I TRY not to judge, because I doubt you can actually help fetishes, but I inevitably do sometimes. If you're asking would I engage in fetishes because my s/o liked them, possibly, but it would really depend on what it is. Have you ever cosplayed? No. I think cosplay is really cool, though. Do you support the exploration of outer space? If yes, would you consider taking a trip into space, or even to another planet? As creatures who crave knowledge and understanding of our universe, I do support space exploration, but I do NOT believe we should be spending as much money as we do on it. Taking care of the planet we're actually on is far more important imo. I wouldn't personally go to outer space. Is it okay for men to wear makeup? What’s your opinion of male crossdressers? It's totally okay! Guys with makeup can be super attractive. Crossdressers, too. Go for it. You’re in a new relationship and your partner admits that they have had 14 sexual partners. Does that sound like a lot to you? For me personally, yes. I don't even know if I'd date someone with 14 past sexual partners, honestly. I would admittedly question their loyalty. Would you let your children under 13 watch movies with full nudity? No. If someone asked you, “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?” would you know the answer right away? I would. What is your opinion concerning strip clubs? Not my scene at all, but so long as you respect the dancers, whatever. You do you.

[cryptidshuffle]

the less we say about it the better - chp 1

ao3

Rating: Teen Fandom: Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware Relationships: Tommy Coolatta & Gordon Freeman, Tommy Coolatta/Gordon Freeman (pre relationship) Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Temporary Character Death(its benrey dont worry hes ok), meta about deaths and respawns, arguing about the rules of uno, gay pining, Mutual Pining, fellas is it gay to comfort ur friend who u love and are both boys?, also fair warning it'll eventually be a poly ship with benrey, Autistic Character, Autistic Tommy, ADHD Gordon, everyone is gay and trans, Other Additional Tags to Be Added

Summary: “after everything we’ve been through we deserve a few mental break downs.” they are trying to recover after black mesa, but recovery is hard. especially when one of you is still dead

---------------

They had been out of Black Mesa for a few weeks now. It was difficult trying to acclimate to life after the incident, but they were all making it work.

The science team had gotten together for some sort of game night, something cathartic about being around others who share the same trauma. Anyways, snacks and Uno was just as chaotic as one would imagine with this group of chucklefucks, with competitive tensions high on the last round of the night.

“You can’t stack the draw 4 cards, Gordon,” Bubby argued, smacking Gordon’s hand just as he placed the card.

“Says who?”

“It’s literally against the fucking rules of the game,” Bubby said back.

Tommy agreed with, “It is in the official rules, Mr. Freeman, they- Mattel confirmed it on Twitter.”

“But that’s dumb!” Gordon argued back, “I’ve always played where you can stack those, why change that now?"

Bubby retorted, “Well maybe you’ve always been playing wrong, huh? Ever thought about that, smartass?”

Dr. Coomer chimed in with, “Well on the official page for Uno (card game) on Wikipedia, the free online encyclopedia that anyone can edit, it states that

The following official house rules are suggested in the Uno rulebook, to alter the game:

Progressive Uno: If a draw card is played, and the following player has the same card, they can play that card and "stack" the penalty, which adds to the current penalty and passes it to the following player.[4](Although a +4 cannot be stacked on a +2, or vice versa.)[6] This house rule is so commonly used that there was widespread Twitter surprise in 2019 when Mattel stated that stacking was not part of the standard rules of Uno.[6]”

“Well, there you have it,” Gordon exclaims, interrupting Coomer’s Wikipedia infodump, “Just because it’s a house rule doesn’t mean it’s not a legitimate way of playing."

“What if I don’t want to play with that rule, that’s fuckin stupid,” Bubby grumbles.

“Jesus ok, I'll play a different card, happy?” Gordon says dejectedly, taking back his controversial draw 4 card for a more innocuous one. “It’s your turn anyways.”

Bubby throws down his last card onto the pile. “I win fuckers!!!! Ahahahahaha!"

“You wouldn’t have won if you let me stack the fucking cards,” Gordon said as he threw his losing card pile onto the coffee table.

“Don’t fret Gordon! Bubby is just extremely good at card games,” Dr. Coomer replied.

“You're forgetting I’m a goddamn genius, that extends to my sick-ass Uno skills,” Bubby bragged.

Gordon chuckled, watching the two older scientists get up to leave, and watching Tommy remain, quietly cleaning up the uno deck into neat piles to place in its box.

“Well gentlemen, it’s been fun, though I think it’s time Bubby and I better get going!” Dr. Coomer said.

“No problem, don’t want you two to be late for your old man early-bird breakfast at Golden Corral tomorrow!” Gordon teased.

“Shut the fuck- I’ll kick your ass,” said Bubby.

“Hello Gord- Actually our old man breakfast is not until Saturday! It’s the one day a week I let loose and unhinge my jaws at the buffet like a Burmese Python!” said Dr. Coomer as Bubby grabs his coat and keys.

“That sounds absolutely horrifying,” Gordon laughs.

“It really is,” says Bubby. “Well, see you later asshole,” Bubby says, herding himself and Coomer out the front door.

“See you guys later,” Gordon says.

“Goodbye, Gordon! Goodbye, Tommy,” Coomer also says, before they leave Gordon’s apartment.

Tommy had yet to get up to leave, he stayed sitting in his seat staring into space, and fiddling with the Uno card deck.

“Hey Tommy, you alright man?” he asked gently. At the mention of his name, he was shaken a bit out of his stupor.

“Y-yeah I'm fine Mr. Freeman, why do you ask?”

“I mean you were kinda just staring into space for a bit, and you didn’t say anything when Bubby and Coomer left.”

“Oh shit. Sorry about that, I’ll get out of your hair,” Tommy said, starting to move to leave.

Gordon placed a hand on Tommy’s shoulder. “Hey, if something’s bothering you, just know I’m here if you wanna talk about it,” Gordon comforted.

Tommy blushed slightly at the contact and nodded.

“Thank you. I-uh… I’ve just been thinking about things that happened back in Black Mesa and, you know,” he pauses to think for a bit, and sighs, “honestly I’ve been thinking a lot about Benrey.”

Just at the mention of him, Gordon felt his stomach drop with the weight of too many emotions.

“Yeah...I uh… I understand,” he responds with a sad sigh, “anything in particular you’re thinking about him?”

“I don’t know just kind of- Earlier I started thinking about how much he would enjoy game night. And then I started to miss him and realize that- that he’s not here. I feel guilty about killing him and upset at what he did. He was still my friend and I just- I want to know why he did what he did. I just want to understand,” Tommy said.

Gordon looked away as he thought about his own emotions regarding Benrey. He was undeniably angry with him, for getting him ambushed by the bootboys, for getting his arm cut off, frustrated with the constant taunting. Yet… he also felt guilty for some reason and he couldn’t quite place why. Gordon really didn’t want to feel guilty.

“Yeah…” Gordon sighed, “I'll be honest I do feel guilty about it too. I don’t know why because I feel like it should be justified since he did try to kill us. But there were times when him pestering me about my arm felt like… like sincere questioning? I still… I don’t know.”

“Yeah… I think-” Tommy cut himself off, staring at a fixed point in his vision, trying to decide whether or not to bring this up.

“I don’t think Benrey understood how human mortality worked.”

Well, that wasn’t what Gordon expected. “What do you mean?”

“Well, he was from Xen, Mr. Freeman, he wasn’t human. It was different for him. You remember he did die several times, but he came back eventually. He had to wait for his form to regenerate.”

“Wait-” this time Gordon cut Tommy off, “Oh shit, that wasn’t a joke?  For some reason I just assumed his talking about respawns and shit was part of his Epic Gamer bit?”

“I mean it was a little but I think… there’s probably a reason Benrey attached himself to video games so much, yeah? He can see himself in the structure. Like, uh- something he can relate to.” Tommy says. “It doesn’t excuse what- what he did, but I feel like knowing why things happened makes- makes them more understandable.”

Gordon leaned back on the couch blown away by the revelation. In hindsight it wasn’t that surprising but it took him a few seconds to come to terms with the reality.

“Yeah, when you put it that way, I guess it does make a lot of sense. Wait though, I swear to god all of you have died at least once, but you guys aren’t from Xen?” Gordon said, now confused about the seeming metanarrative of the mortality of his friends.

“Yeah, but those were weird Black Mesa things, Mr. Freeman,” Tommy said, not elaborating any more than that.

Gordon waited a beat for Tommy to explain more but he said all he needed to.

“I will ask you more about that later, but I do not have the energy to unpack all that right now,” Gordon said with a gentle laugh.

“Wait, getting back on topic real quick, why couldn’t Benrey just... respawn now? Did we really get him that good?”

Tommy looked incredibly sad when Gordon said this, and he regretted it immediately.  ‘Damn it Gordon, Tommy’s clearly upset about Benrey, you don’t gotta be an insensitive dick.’

“Well Mr. Freeman, that’s kinda why I’ve been thinking about him,” Tommy said, “I’m not sure. It shouldn’t have taken him this long to respawn. Depending on the amount of damage it takes longer but… It’s been a while and what if- What if he is back but he is mad at all of us and that’s why we haven’t seen him? Or what if it is taking a really long time because we hurt him a whole lot. Or what if we…”

Tommy got quiet for a few seconds, the silence in the room was deafening. For an instance Gordon felt as if making a sound would shatter the air like glass.

Tommy finally said with a whisper, voice thick with choking back tears, “What if we killed him for good? And I don’t- I never see him again?”

It honestly broke Gordon’s heart how distraught Tommy was. Pushing his own complicated Benrey feelings aside, he was gonna focus on Tommy here and now.

“…Tommy, is it ok if I hug you, man?” Gordon couldn’t think of the best way to comfort the other man with words, but physical comfort he could do.

Tommy looked a little surprised at this ask but nodded. Gordon leaned in to hug the other scientist and Tommy collapsed in his embrace, completely breaking down.

Gordon just sat there and held him as Tommy sobbed into his shoulder, trying to comfort the crying man by rubbing circles into his back.

Gordon’s brain processed the things Tommy had said. Was Benrey really gone? Why did he feel guilty about the idea of having killed Benrey, he was fine with the concept during the final boss fight on Xen but now… the thought made him feel… sad? Regretful? Even his seemingly rational justifications didn’t seem as clear at the moment, only thinking of his fonder memories with Benrey.

‘Fuck this,’ he thought as he felt his own tears well up, ‘this isn’t about me, I need to focus on being there for Tommy,’ pushing his own feelings to the back of his mind to be dealt with later.

Tommy eventually calmed down enough where his sobs turned into sniffles, and he started to pull away from the hug.

“S – sorry for having a – a breakdown on your- on your couch Mr. Freeman,” Tommy said, the post-crying mental fog making his stuttering more noticeable. Tommy didn’t really have the effort in him to care.

“Don’t worry about it, man, after everything we’ve been through we deserve a few mental breakdowns,” Gordon joked trying to lighten the mood.

“Oh, that was nothing, Mr. Freeman, in terms of mental breakdowns that was as mild as a first-grade pizza party in the eye of a hurricane,” Tommy compared in a way that made little sense to Gordon, yet ridiculous enough to cause the man to burst out laughing.

“Alright I’ll take your word for it,” Gordon said, still laughing.

“I’m serious Mr. Freeman, once you have a meltdown so intense that you accidentally teleport yourself to an inter-dimensional void, the rest is a cake walk at the school fair,” Tommy said.

“Waitwaitwait- teleport?” he leaned back to look at him in surprise, “Since when could you fuckin teleport!” Gordon asked caught off guard.

“You know, learned some things from my Dad,” Tommy said, again failing to further explain himself.

“…Well alright. Yeah that tracks.”

Gordon was quiet for a moment before responding with, “You know, Tommy, I want you to know I’m here for you if you need anyone to talk to. You were there for me when I was at my lowest in Black Mesa, and I wanna be that friend to you if you need it,” he said giving the other scientists hand a comforting squeeze.

Tommy smiled, “Thank you, that means a lot Mr. Freeman.”

“You know you can call me Gordon, you don’t have to be so formal all the time Dr. Coolatta,” he teased.

Tommy blushed, ‘dammit why did he have to be so cute?’

“Wow Mr. Fr – Gordon are you really gonna make fun of my doctorate that I worked very hard for,” Tommy teased back, still a bit sniffly from crying.

“Dude, I cannot imagine you in college for some reason, what was your doctorate even in” asked Gordon, semi-jokingly, but still a bit serious.

Tommy laughed a bit, wiping the remaining tears away with the back of his hand. “Bio-chemical engineering. Creating Sunkist was for my thesis project.” Normally Tommy would be more then willing to infodump about the topic but he found his energy to be draining fast.

“What the fuck, that’s cooler than mine was. Us nerds in the Theoretical Physics department didn’t do any crazy shit like that,” Gordon said.

“Bold of you to assume I was a nerd, G-Gordon. I was the craziest guy in the frat house,” Tommy said.

Gordon’s memory vaguely recalls Tommy’s insistence that he “do something crazy” when drinking Darnold’s Potion of Grow Gun Arm.

“You know what, yeah, surprisingly I can see that image vividly in my head,” Gordon said. “Real talk though…” he said changing the subject and putting his hand on Tommy’s shoulder, “Are you- uh, ok? Like feeling better?”

Tommy was quiet for a second, eyes flickering down to look at his fidgeting hands in his lap, before replying with, “I’m ok. N-not great, I don’t think, but I will be.”

Gordon nodded. “Tommy, if there’s one nugget of wisdom that I have to share, it’s that healing takes time, things usually turn out to be ok in the end. No matter what’s going on with Benrey…it'll be alright, I’m sure.” Gordon patted his shoulder for emphasis, “not the best advice out there but it’s the best I can come up with straight off the dome. And I don’t wanna seem like I didn’t try to help you out."

Tommy laughed gently, “Thank you Mr. Fr- uh, thank you Gordon. You did help. Even if- if your advice was a bit cheesy.”

“Whatever man, you can’t blame me for trying,” Gordon laughed, playfully shoving Tommy where his hand had previously rested on the other man’s shoulder. Tommy laughed in return. He only noticed the warmth of Gordon’s touch once it was gone.

Tommy absentmindedly noticed the time on the wall clock in Gordon’s apartment. Jesus, 11:30? When did it get so late? The older scientist really hoped he wasn’t overstaying his welcome; While he would love to just stay here and joke around, he had already bothered Mr. Freeman enough and was already exhausted.

“I- I’m probably gonna head back home now, I didn’t realize how late it was,” Tommy said, standing up from his spot next to Gordon.

Gordon nodded. He had the passing thought of offering for Tommy to stay but… maybe that was a step too far. ‘Tommy probably wants his space,’ Gordon rationalized to himself.

He nodded, “Alright, don’t let me keep you,” he said, getting up as well to help Tommy gather his belongings. Which, to be honest Tommy didn’t bring much but some snacks for the group, but Gordon just needed an excuse to do anything.

Gordon walked Tommy to the front door of his apartment, like the good host he was, opening the door for him.

“Thanks for coming over Tommy,” he said.

Tommy nodded. “Thank- thank you again for letting me talk about Benrey, I know it was kinda rough there at the end, but if you ever need to talk about anything… I'm here for you as well.”

Gordon smiled, “Thank you Tommy, I'll keep that in mind.”

Tommy smiled in return, “Have a good night G-Gordon,” he said turning to head to his car.

“Goodnight Tommy.” Gordon turns to head back inside, but before he does, he can’t resist one more jab.

“Thought you could teleport?” he calls out teasingly.

Tommy flips him off, which causes Gordon to laugh harder. “Gives me a headache,” Tommy called back, trying and failing keep a straight face.

Gordon laughs as he waves a final goodbye, turning back inside and closing the door after Tommy waves as well. His thoughts race as he gets ready for bed, trying to ignore his fluttering heartbeat as he lays down for the night.

Tommy shuffles his thoughts in his head as he drives home. The emotional rollercoaster of his already draining social interaction meter from the science team, his Benrey guilt, and his small crush on Gordon was just too much for one day. His hands clench and unclench the steering wheel, looking forward to collapsing in bed for the night, hoping his dad won’t notice he'd been crying.

Somewhere, in an interdimensional void far away from this reality, someone begins to shift awake.

[allsassnoclass]

the closest i’ve ever been to the heart of everything

Ficmas Day 9

Pairing: Calum Hood/Roy English 

Rating: General Audiences

Key Tag(s): New Years, introspection

Word Count: 1700

Read on AO3

—

The first morning of 2021 in the Hood-English household.

—

2021 arrives quietly in the Hood-English household.  Neither of them have plans, one last difference that 2020 has prompted in their lives, so they sit with Duke in the living room and turn on the radio, breaking out cards and board games to tide them over until the clock finally ticks over to a new day, new month, and entirely new year.  They cheer in the new one and curse out the old one loud enough for Duke to give them both reproachful looks for interrupting his sleep, then Roy heads to bed.  Calum has a few phone calls and video messages to send and respond to, throwing his love and well-wishes out into the world with a sigh of relief and hope for a brighter future.  Roy’s entire world is contained in that living room, and the rest of the universe knows that he has infinite time to make connections and spread light, something which he is more inclined to do early in the morning than late at night.

Duke follows him into the bedroom and flops down on his bed, unaware of how momentous this moment is for his two humans and everyone else who has been desperate to see 2020 go.  Roy is asleep by the time Calum joins him.

The first morning of 2021 begins in darkness for Roy.  He and Calum had left the house the day before to watch the last sunset of 2020, and Roy feels that it’s important for him to see the dawn break on the new year.  Calum had not been so keen, but that’s okay.  As much as he loves sharing bits of himself with Calum, it’s also important to keep standing on his own feet and meet the future head-on, and Calum will still be here, sleeping peacefully and contentedly by the time he gets back.

His hair is a tangled mess against the pillow.  He keeps saying that he wants to cut it, but he hasn’t yet, despite Roy offering to help do it at home.  Secretly, Roy thinks he enjoys knowing that he doesn’t need to particularly take care of it and be visible now.  Over the course of quarantine, Roy has watched him relax into himself more than he already had, giving himself time to exist without the pressures of being an international celebrity or strict schedules that sometimes come with the band.  They both have been on parallel tracks of self-discovery, taking steps on different paths while still holding hands, and it’s been one of the bright spots of the year.

Roy slips out of their house and begins his run.  The city wakes up around him in that hazy way that LA is prone to do, never fully asleep yet always groggy in the early hours, and the further from the heart of it he gets, the lighter the sky becomes around him.  He pauses where he would typically loop back towards home and looks up, sky a beautiful blend of yellows, pinks, and reds, slowly and steadily chasing away the dark desperately clinging to the day.  He closes his eyes and breathes in the energy of fresh starts and a bright sun, letting it fuel him for the way home.

Calum still isn’t awake when he returns, just like he expected, but Duke greets him at the door.  He lets him out to do his business and fills his food and water so Calum won’t have to worry about it, then slips into a quick shower.  It was cold out there this morning, winter permeating across California and here to stay for a while, but they have a gas fireplace that’s warm, and he grabs a journal and turns it on, taking a seat on the floor near it.  His morning mediation is brief today, but it does the trick.  Deep, slow breaths center him, helping him come back to inner alignment, and he rids himself of any tension and focuses his thoughts toward openness to the universe and whatever the new year might bring.  He is constantly trying to improve, but despite the made up classifications of dates and years it’s still nice to feel like there’s a starting point, especially when so many people need it right now.  A new year always breeds a thrumming, united, optimistic energy.  It reassures people that the future can be better, and Roy plans to continue harnessing that energy for the rest of his life.

When he’s done meditating, he picks up the journal.  Duke had joined him in the living room at some point while he had his eyes closed, resting his head on his paws.  He’s used to the rhythm they developed during quarantine, patient in the time between his breakfast and Calum taking him for a walk.  Roy feels like, in a way, he’s learned a lot from Duke this year.  Dogs find simplistic joy in so many things, not needing a lot to maintain their happiness, just love and companionship.  Duke has basked in Calum’s affections this year, overjoyed to have both humans in the house for the longest consecutive time.

Of course, Roy has also been basking in Calum’s presence this year.  It’s been the longest time they’ve been able to spend together since they met, and Calum’s presence has been priceless.

If Roy could summarize his past year in one word it would be growth.  He’s grown as an individual, more than he thought he would, and he’s witnessed growth and metamorphosis in so many people around him, too.  The human race as a whole has been through tremendous growing pains this year, in a way that makes him excited for the future.  None of that comes close to the growth he has experienced with Calum as a pair.

One of the many wonderful things about Calum is his complete support of positive transformation.  Roy has never felt anything but love and steady reassurance from him.  He is a great listener and has never laughed at Roy for his ideas and thoughts, and he understands the value of silence.  Silences with Calum never have to be filled, but somehow he always feels closer to him after an afternoon of separate existence and an evening of quiet company.  Growth happens in those tacit moments, but they also happen in the loud and obnoxious ones that they share, or the joyful laughter that Roy always manages to catch from Calum.

He would have gone insane without Calum around to keep him grounded, a strong anchor when he gets too close to floating away, and he knows that Calum appreciated his presence, too.  Being with Calum makes Roy feel the closest he ever has to his authentic self, a combination of all of the people Roy has been in the past and all of the ones he wants to be in the future whittled down to a singular being in the present.  It would make him uneasy to think that they’ll have to part ways again when tours finally restart if he didn’t know that music was what they’re meant to do.  

Besides, they have an unbreakable bond.  Roy wouldn’t have gotten a matching tattoo with him if he didn’t know even as early as Bali that Calum would be the most important person in his life.

Calum contains too many multitudes to try to journal about, so Roy turns his attention back to the new year and articulates what he wants to see in 2021.  For the most part, the things he writes down are simple.  Once he notices himself talking in circles, he squeezes his last thoughts out until he has no words left, then sets down his pen and checks the time.

Calum will be getting up soon.  It’s time for breakfast.

Roy has never claimed to be a master chef, but he orders pastries that Calum likes and warms some hash browns.  Toast goes in the toaster and fruit gets cut up, arranged into neat lines on a cutting board with a copious amount of blueberries because it’s the one they both like best.

Calum enters the kitchen right before the hash browns are done, dashing Roy’s hopes of giving him breakfast in bed.

“Morning,” Calum says, voice sleep-raspy.

“Happy New Year,” Roy says.  Calum hums appreciatively, pressing a kiss to his cheek as he passes, heading for the coffee pot.

“Coffee's on the counter,” Roy says.  “I got your usual order.”

Calum switches directions, noticing the rest of breakfast laid out.

“You didn’t have to.”

“I figured we’d start the year out right.”

Calum hums again, popping a blueberry into his mouth while Roy takes the hash browns off the heat and gets toast on their plates.  They move to the breakfast nook, located in a ray of morning sun that Roy always sits facing since Calum doesn’t like to squint into it.  Duke takes his place at their feet, eagerly awaiting any food droppings and greeting Calum in the same move.

Calum will end up giving him some toast.  That’s why Roy gave him two pieces instead of just one.

“What are you manifesting for the new year?” Calum asks after he has profusely thanked him for breakfast and eaten a good portion of it.  “More growth?”

Roy marvels at how well Calum knows him and the seamless way they understand each other.

“Yeah.  I want us all to continue awakening and expanding.  What about you?”

“I’m not sure yet,” he says.  “Give me the day to think on it.”

Roy nods.  He can give Calum all the time in the world.

“Do you really think this year will be better?” Calum asks.

“Yes,” Roy answers immediately.  “We can make it better.”

Calum smiles softly, taking another blueberry.

“I like your optimism,” he says.  “You make me have faith in us.”

Roy smiles back at him, an answer that Calum can read easily.  Roy has already told him that being with Calum keeps that faith in humanity growing.  He is an optimist because Calum gives him evidence of the good in the universe every day.  Another year with both of them together can only continue to breed good things, no matter what happens around them.

[nickburn]

Things I Enjoyed in 2020 Despite Everything

Seasons Greetings! This year has felt like an eternity for so many reasons, and before it’s over, I’d like to take a look back on the distractions that got me through it. Along the way, I’ll occasionally point out where I was emotionally at the time and whether I got into a particular thing before or after the pandemic hit in mid March. I hope you enjoy this little retrospective of some of my experience during one of the worst years of human history!

Games & Mods

Might & Magic VI: The Mandate of Heaven

When I was making my 2020 resolutions list late last year, one of my goals was to play more old games in my backlog and not buy many new games this year. That goal largely went on hold, because, well, I sought out enjoyment wherever I could find it instead of forcing myself to play one thing or another. But before Covid, I was really enjoying my new playthrough of M&M6. I’d made attempts at it before, but it was really GrayFace’s mod that made the game click for me. Modern features like quick saves and mouselook make the game much more accessible, and I’d recommend it to anyone who wants to try an old-school RPG. It’s a great stepping stone into a mostly-dead genre. I’m hoping to get back to it soon. I just jumped ship to simpler ventures like Doom Eternal after the pandemic hit and haven’t looked back since.

Pathologic 2

I learned about the Pathologic series late last year and have since become a little obsessed with it. Hbomberguy’s lengthy video essay on the original game really intrigued me and lead me to trying the sequel/remake in April via Xbox Game Pass. In a weird way, it was cathartic to be a doctor in an even more dire situation than our current one and still see signs of the townsfolk trying to help each other deal with a supernatural plague and little help from their local government. The game helped me express a lot of what I was feeling at the time, when I was still getting used to working from home and wondering just how long this could go on for. I’ve gone back to it recently, and I’m hoping to finish it someday, if I can find a way to stop dying. Above all, Pathologic 2 teaches you how to make choices in no-win scenarios with little information or resources and still persevere, despite the world going to Hell around you. And that’s maybe the most important thing to practice at the moment.

Overwatch

I’ve continued to look forward to weekly Overwatch nights with my friends every Thursday, and it’s really important to have something like that right now. Even if it’s just a new episode of a show airing, a new video from a favorite YouTuber, or a regular Zoom call with coworkers, it helps so much to have something to anticipate from week to week and month to month. Otherwise, it’s really easy to feel like nothing’s going on besides the entropic deterioration of the universe. Overwatch itself helps with this, because it’s such a positive, bright, and optimistic game, as only Blizzard can create. And it’s improved a ton in the past couple of years, in a lot of ways. If you haven’t played in a while, hop in and check out all the new content with your friends; I think you’ll have a great time. It’s looking more and more like Overwatch 2 is right around the corner, and I’m very much looking forward to it.

Go

I learned how to play Go after watching a documentary released this year about  AlphaGo, the computer that beat the Go world champion, and I have a huge appreciation for the game now. I think it’s even more beautiful than chess, though even more insidious to learn. If you haven’t played before, start with a 9x9 board, teach yourself the basics, and try playing with another beginner friend. I guarantee you’ll be amazed at the amount of strategy and imagination that a game ostensibly about placing black and white stones on a grid can inspire. Go’s one of several new hobbies I’ve picked up this year, and those new hobbies have really helped me pass the time in a way that feels productive as well as take my mind off whatever depressing news just got blasted across Twitter.

Doom 64

Doom Eternal was fine, but Doom 64′s where my heart lies. The PC port on Steam is great, allowing everyone to easily play the game with mouse and keyboard. Its levels are tight and colorful, often asking the player to backtrack multiple times through the same areas to unlock new ones and take on whatever new twists await down each darkened corridor. It’s a surprisingly fresh experience. Unlike many modern Doom mods that strive to be sprawling marathons, 64′s levels are short but memorable, and the game is a great entry point to the series for newcomers because of that. Retro FPS’s continue to inspire and entertain me, and Doom 64 is one of my new favorites.

Golf With Your Friends

I’m not usually that into party games, but Golf With Your Friends strikes the right balance between casual tone and skill-based gameplay. The maps are vibrant and devious, the different modes are creative and often hilarious, and the pacing is near-perfect. If you’ve got a squad itching to play something together for a few nights, I guarantee you’ll have a lot of laughs trying to knock an opponent off the course or turning them into an acorn just as they’re about to attempt a nasty jump.

Quake 1 Mods

I probably sound like a broken record by now to a lot of you, but I won’t rest until I get more people into retro FPS’s. The outdated graphics and simple gameplay can be off-putting at first, but it doesn’t take long at all to get hooked after you’ve played the likes of excellent mods like Ancient Aliens for Doom 2 or Arcane Dimensions for Quake 1. And it’s only getting better, with this year marking probably the best year for Quake releases ever. The industry even seems to be taking notice again, with many talented mappers getting picked up for highly-anticipated, professional indie projects like Graven and Prodeus. And while the marketing around the retro FPS renaissance as the second coming of “boomer shooters” should be much maligned, the actual craft involved in making mods and brand new games in the genre has never been stronger. I even contributed four levels to the cause this year, but you’ll have to play them yourself to decide if they’re any good: https://www.quaddicted.com/reviews/?filtered=burnham.

Streets of Rage 4

I had not tried Steam Remote Play before this year, but it works surprisingly well if you have a decent internet connection. Because of Remote Play, I was able to complete Streets of Rage 4 with my friends, and it was very close to the experiences I had as a kid playing brawlers like Turtles in Time on the Super Nintendo. The game is just hard enough to make you sweat during the boss fights but just easy enough that the average group of gamers can complete it in a night or two, which is ideal for adults with not a lot of free time.

Hard Lads

Hard Lads is a pure delight of a game by Robert Yang about the beauty of a viral video from 2015 called “British lads hit each other with chair,” which is even more ridiculous than it sounds. It made me smile and laugh for a good half hour, and I think it’ll do the same for you.

Commander MtG

The Commander format for Magic: the Gathering is one of my favorite things, and in 2020, I dug into it more than any other year. More so even than playing or watching it being played, I created decklists for hours and hours, dreaming up new, creative strategies for winning games or just surprising my imaginary opponents. I sincerely believe this little ritual of finding a new legendary creature to build around and spending a few days crafting a brew for it got me through the majority of this summer. I didn’t have a lot of creative energy this year, but I was able to channel the little I did have into this hobby. Especially during the longer, more frustrating or depressing days at work when I had nothing else to do or just needed a break, I could often dive back into card databases and lose myself in the process of picking exactly the cards that best expressed what I wanted to do for any given deck. And it’s nice to know I can always fall back on that.

Yu-Gi-Oh!

I played a lot of Yu-Gi-Oh! growing up but never had the cards or the skill to be particularly good at it. I just knew I enjoyed the game and the 4Kids show, but I quickly them behind when I got to high school. Fast forward to 2020, and the game and franchise have evolved substantially, not always for the better. But I do find it so intriguing, with a skeptical kind of adoration. It’s not nearly as well-supported as Magic, but what it does have are gigantic anime monsters on tiny cards with enough lines of text to make your head spin. And it’s so interesting to me that a franchise like that can continue to thrive alongside more elegant games like the Pokemon TCG and Hearthstone. And the further I’ve delved into how the game has changed since I stopped playing, the more invested I’ve become, going so far as to start buying cards again and looking into possible decks I might enjoy playing. An unequivocal win for Yu-Gi-Oh! is Speed Duel, which seeks to bring old players back to the game with a watered-down, nostalgia-laden format with fewer mechanics and a much smaller card pool. So if all you want to do is pit a Blue Eyes White Dragon against a Dark Magician, that’s 100% still there for you, but the competitive scene is still alive, well, and astoundingly complicated. And I think that’s kind of beautiful.

Black Mesa

I wasn’t expecting to have the tech to play Half Life: Alyx this year, so Black Mesa seemed like the next best thing. And it really is a love letter to the first game, even if it’s far from perfect. I even prefer the original, but I did very much enjoy my time with this modern reimagining. If you’ve never played a Half Life game before, I think it’s a great place to start.

VR via the Oculus Quest

Around halfway through this year, I started to get really stir crazy and yeah, pretty depressed. It seemed like I’d be stuck in the same boring cycle forever, and I know for a lot of people, it still feels like that. So VR seemed like the perfect escape from this dubious reality where you can’t even take a safe vacation trip anymore. And you know, I think it works really well for that purpose. The Oculus Quest is especially effective, doing away with cords or cables so you have as much freedom as you have free real estate in your home. I don’t have a lot of space in my studio apartment, but I have enough to see the potential of the medium, which is completely worth it. Next gen consoles are neat and all, but I’ve got my heart set on picking up the Quest 2 as soon as possible.

* Beat Saber

I was most looking forward to trying Beat Saber on the Quest, and I was not disappointed. You’d think rhythm games had reached their peak with Rock Band and DDR, but the genre keeps on giving with gems like this. It’s hard to convey if you’ve never tried it, but the game succeeds so well in getting your entire body into the rhythm of whatever song you’re slashing through.

* Half Life: Alyx

Again, I really did not expect to be able to experience this game as intended this year, and I still don’t think I really have. The Oculus Link for the Quest is admittedly a little janky, and my PC barely meets the minimum specs to even run the game. And yet, despite that, Alyx is one of my top three games of 2020 and maybe one of my all-time favorites. Even as I was losing frames and feeling the game struggle to keep up with all the AI Combine soldiers running around, I was still having a blast. For me, it is one of the best reasons to seek out and own VR and a pinnacle of game design in its own right.

Hades

For me, Hades has mostly been similar to every other Supergiant Game that I’ve played: fun and well-polished but ultimately not engaging enough to play for very long. And there’s always this sheen of trying to be too clever with their dialogue, narration, and music that rubs me the wrong way. But Hades is certainly their best game, and I can’t deny the effect it’s had on people, much like Bastion’s reception back in 2011. And I’m really hoping Hades gets more people into roguelikes, as a more accessible and story-driven approach to the genre. Timing-wise, I wish it hadn’t come out around the same time as Spelunky, because I think it did make some people choose one over the other, when the best choice is to play both and realize they’re going for very different experiences. The precise, unforgiving, arcade-like style of Spelunky isn’t fun for everyone, though, and Hades is thankfully there to fill in that gap. I’m really glad I found more time to play it this year at least to succeed on one escape attempt; it’s a fun game to think about in a game design context. And I do think the game has a lot of merit and is doing some clever things with difficulty that the studio likely could not have honed nearly so well without the help of Early Access. The most impressive part of the game to me is not the story or the music or the combat but the massive amount of contextual dialogue they somehow found time to program, write, and record at a consistently high level. All of this is just to say, Hades is obviously one of the best games of the year, and you should play it if you have any interest in it at all.

Spelunky 2

I’ve spoken a lot about this game on Twitter, so I’m not going to rehash much of that here. For me, it’s been a journey of over 1,000 attempts to learn the intricacies and secrets of a deep and demanding game that’s been as frustrating as it’s been rewarding. But it remains a constant source of learning and discovery as well as mastery and pride for me, and I still have hopes of reaching the Cosmic Ocean and getting all the trophies someday. It’s been a joy to watch other Spelunky players too, even as some fair worse than me and others fair far better. And the Daily challenge keeps me coming back, because seeing my name high up on the leaderboard just makes me feel so damn good (or at least I’ll get a good laugh out of a hilarious death). At its heart, Spelunky is a community endeavor, and I think it succeeds at that better than almost any other game this side of Dark Souls. I think it is my Game of the Year or at least tied with Alyx, I really can’t decide. If you don’t think you’d enjoy it, all I’ll say is, the frustration and difficulty are integral to the experience of discovery and surprise, and your brain is better at video games than you think.

Chess

Okay, yes, I watched and enjoyed The Queen’s Gambit, but I think 2020 had already primed people to get into chess this year regardless. Like Yu-Gi-Oh!, chess was a childhood pastime of mine that I really enjoyed and then quickly left behind as I discovered things like music and the internet. If I had to assign a theme to my 2020, it would be rediscovering old hobbies to remind myself how good life actually is. And now I’m more committed to chess than I ever was before. I’m watching international masters and grand masters on YouTube (as well as the incomparable Northernlion), I’m playing regularly on Chess.com, and I’m even paying for lessons and probably my own theory books soon. Like most fighting games, chess is a complicated form of dueling a single opponent with zero randomness, so mistakes are always on you. And modern chess platforms offer extremely good analysis tools, showing you exactly how, when, and why you screwed up so you can do better next time. Like Hearthstone, it’s a quick, addicting, tense, and rewarding way to train your brain and have fun. And it seems more popular now than ever, in part due to a certain Netflix original TV show...

TV

The Queen’s Gambit

I think a lot of people want to be Beth Harmon, even if they know they shouldn’t. It must feel so good to be the best at something and know you’re the best, even while under the influence of certain substances. It’s what makes characters like Dr. Gregory House so fun to watch, though you’d never want to work with the guy. For me, anyway, I always wanted to be a prodigy at something, and what little success I’ve had made The Queen’s Gambit very relatable to me. More so, it’s easy to relate to growing up in a conservative environment with few real friends and fewer outlets of expression, only to realize you’ve finally found your thing, and that no one can take it from you. That’s mostly what I’m going to take from The Queen’s Gambit anyway, more than chess or the Cold War commentary or the problematic relationships Beth has with her cadre of rivals/boyfriends. The show gets a strong recommendation from me for fans of chess as well as lovers of optimistic coming-of-age stories.

March Comes in Like a Lion

Similarly, March Comes in Like a Lion features a protagonist who is scarily close to a version of myself from like eight years ago. My best friend has been urging me to watch this show for years, and I’m still only a few episodes in. But I love how it portrays a young person who’s moved to a big city away from home for the first time, with nothing more than some meager possessions and the hopes of becoming the best in the world at something. And Rei is not confident in himself or outgoing at all, he’s extremely depressed despite pursuing his dreams and trying to distance himself from his somewhat toxic family. It’s a great reminder that the smallest kindnesses can often change our entire perspective on the world, and that even the people that seem the most well-equipped to handle life often still need help. I’ve been very fortunate to have people like that despite mistakes I’ve made, and I hope to be that person for others too.

Umbrella Academy

I’m pretty burnt out on superheroes, but UA put a good enough spin on them that they felt brand new. The show is rough in places, but it’s surprising in some really clever ways. And the comics are some of the wildest stories I’ve ever read, like Hitchhiker’s Guide meets Watchmen.

HunterXHunter

I binged about 100 of the 148 episodes of HxH this year, which I recognize is not a significant number in the wider world of long-running shounen anime, but it’s quite an undertaking for me to finish a show of this length. The series goes places I never expected and made me care so strongly for characters I thought I’d hate at first. It’s the smartest and most endearing show about a band of misfits going on crazy adventures and punching people for the good of the world that you’re likely to find.

Hannibal

This is the rare show that’s simultaneously comforting and nightmare-inducing if watched for extended periods. I can remember nights after binging a few episodes where I couldn’t get many of the disturbing images out of my head. Fair to say, Hannibal is not for the faint of heart, nor is it without some low points. But for those who enjoy gory thrillers or gritty detective dramas, it’s a must-watch. 

Yu-Gi-Oh! Original Series, English Sub

You can probably imagine my surprise as I discovered this year that the Japanese version of the Yu-Gi-Oh! anime is not only much better than the 4Kids version we got in the States, but it’s actually a decent show. The plot makes much more sense, it’s more interesting, the stakes are higher, the voices are better, and overall it’s just more enjoyable to watch. I don’t know if I’ll stick with it long enough to finish it this time, but this is definitely the way I’d do it and would recommend to others.

Fargo Season 4

It’s a miracle we even got another season of Fargo this year, let alone on time and of the same high quality as the first two seasons. It has a great setting, cast, and conflict. I love Chris Rock, and it was so cool to see him act so well in such a serious role. There’s a Wizard of Oz homage episode that is nearly flawless. And the post-credits scene at the end of the season is just the cherry on top. If you haven’t checked out Fargo by now, you are really missing out on some of the most interesting stuff happening in TV. I can’t wait to see what Noah Hawley does with the Alien franchise.

Movies

Cats

I had to include this one because it was the last full movie I saw in theaters before the pandemic hit. I technically went to Sonic too, but my friends and I walked out after about 30 minutes. The less said about that movie, the better. Cats, though, is a strange and curious beast (pun intended), adapting an already unruly animal (pun intended) to the big screen and yowling to be recognized (pun intended). But for every awkward or embarrassing scene, there’s one of pure joy and magic, like the extended ballet sequence or Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat. The film knows exactly what it is and leans into it hard, like a familiar yet slightly insane feline begging to be stroked, which I imagine is exactly what fans of the musical wanted.

Children of Men

There’s not much I can say about this film that probably hasn’t been said better elsewhere. I was intrigued to watch it when I learned it was one of my friend’s favorite movies. And I have to say, it’s really profound in a prescient way. Clive Owen gives one of the best performances I’ve ever seen. You should watch it, but only when you feel like taking a severe hit to the feels.

Basic Instinct

Vertigo is probably still my favorite film, so when I learned this year that Paul Verhoeven made a bloody, sex romp homage film to it in the 90s with Michael Douglas starring, I simply had to watch it. And you know, it’s not bad. It’s nowhere near as good as Vertigo, and you can see the ending coming a mile away. But what it does have is the immaculate Sharon Stone, who you cannot take your eyes off for the entire movie. And the movie knows it, making her look as alluring and suggestive as her character is to the detective investigating her. You could do worse than to watch it, just don’t expect any of Hitchcock’s subtlety or looming dread to seep into the final product.

Books

Dune

I finally finished Dune this year, and I can genuinely say it lives up to the hype. It’s not the easiest book to get through, but it’s by no means one of the most difficult either. I’m still bummed that the new film was delayed, but it might give me time to read the rest of the original book series.

The Fifth Season

Another fantastic piece of fiction, I cannot recommend this book enough. N.K. Jemisin is one of the best living authors of our time. If you want an original setting with a brilliant magic system and complex, compelling characters, look no further.

Video Content

Northernlion

I’ve been a fan of NL for years, though I’ve never been that into The Binding of Isaac. He just has a charismatic intelligence to him that sets him apart from most “Let’s Play” YouTubers to me, and he’s very funny to boot. I guess I’d say he seems a lot like me or the person I could picture myself being if I were a professional video content creator. So I was really excited for NL’s series of Spelunky 2 videos, and I still watch them every day, months later. And now he’s teaching me how to get better at chess, being a good 600 ELO higher than myself at the moment. His sarcastic and improv-laden banter have withstood the test of years and gave me some much-needed comfort and laughter in 2020. Somehow, the man even found a way to keep up his prolific output this year while raising his firstborn child. There are those who said it couldn’t be done...

The Command Zone - Game Knights

Josh Lee Kwai and the rest of the crew at The Command Zone continue to put out some of the most well-produced tabletop gameplay videos on the internet. It’s perhaps no surprise, seeing as how Lee Kwai created trailers for such blockbuster films as Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World and Jimmy Wong had a supporting role in the live action remake of Disney’s Mulan. But the crew around the two hosts are just as important and talented, and it’s clear that they all share the same singular vision for the channel’s future. They’ve carefully crafted a team of expert editors, animators, cosplayers, and voice actors to deliver one delightful video after the next at a consistently high level. If you’re into Magic: the Gathering at all, you simply need to watch Game Knights.

Cimoooooooo

I found Alex Cimo’s channel shortly after the algorithm learned I was interested in Yu-Gi-Oh! again, and at first, I was less than impressed with him. But it’s clear to me now that he not only loves what he does, he’s an expert Yu-Gi-Oh! player and analyst. Plus, he’s very good at explaining some of the more complex concepts in the game in a way that newcomers can understand. I’ve watched every new episode of The Progression Series and The History of Yu-Gi-Oh! so far, and they’re the best way I’ve found to learn how the game developed and changed over the last 20 years.

Team APS

This is another great Yu-Gi-Oh! channel, focusing more on skits, gimmick videos, and casual games rather than analytical or theoretical content. Mostly, they seem like a really great group of friends that just have a blast playing Yu-Gi-Oh! together, and their love for the game makes me want to play more too.

Tolarian Community College

Somehow, a community college English professor’s channel went from a quirky little deckbox review platform to the most popular Magic: the Gathering channel on YouTube in only a few years. But it’s easy to see why when Brian clearly loves what he’s doing more than most people ever will. He’s not only a fantastic reviewer and MtG scholar, he’s one of the most outspoken voices for positive change in the community and the game. Is he too hard on the Magic team at Wizards of the Coast? Perhaps, but without his measured and well-reasoned takes on all things Magic, I think we’d be much worse off.

IRL

Cooking

Even I get tired of eating the same things every day, so I’ve taken it upon myself to learn how to make more dishes, mostly out of sheer boredom. And I know I’m not alone in that, but I have to say it’s been a rewarding and fun adventure. It’s really surprising what you can throw together with a decent recipe and a little creativity in a modest kitchen when you decide to break away from the microwave for once.

Chinchillin’

Like many people, I felt that I needed a pet to survive this year, and I’ve always wanted a chinchilla. So I took a risk and bought one from a seller on KSL a few months ago, and my life has definitely changed for the better. No longer simply alone with my thoughts all day, I have a furry little companion to commune and bond with. And it’s more difficult to find time to feel sorry for myself when a basically helpless tiny creature depends on me for almost everything. Not to say it’s been a perfect experience however, people don’t say chins are difficult to care for for nothing. And I have learned more about them than perhaps I ever cared to know before, but that’s only made them more interesting to me as a result. Overall, I would recommend them as pets, just be prepared to give them a lot more time and attention than you would to say, a fish or a hamster. I’ve seen the commitment compared to that of a large dog, and I think that’s fair, though chins seem far more difficult to train and are far less cuddly. Basically, imagine a fluffy, super fast squirrel that can jump half your height, shed its fur at will if grabbed too tightly, that sleeps all day and bathes in dust, and that cannot get wet or too hot or eat 99% of human foods without serious complications. And they get lonely, and they all have their own surprisingly distinct personalities, some shy and mischievous, others bright and social, and everything in between. But I’m glad to be part of my little buddy’s life and hope to make it a long and enjoyable one for him. Part of why I wanted a chinchilla so badly is they typically live between 10-20 years, much longer than the average rodent or even many cats and dogs. And they’re sadly endangered in the wild, poached for their incredibly soft fur, which is why I believe it’s critical that we care for and learn more about them now. And above all, I adore my chinchilla’s antics, even when he continually tries to dig up and eat the paper bedding below his cage when I’ve provided perfectly edible hay and pellets for him in much easier to reach locations.

And that’s all, folks...

If you’ve read this far, know that I really appreciate it and hope you learned something new about yourself, art, or the world. And please do let me know what’s kept you going the most this year too, as I suspect I’ll still be searching for new distractions next year, even after I’m able to get a Covid vaccine injection. As Red Green would say, we’re all in this together, and I’m pullin’ for ya. <3

[incorrectly-quoted-queers]

Tagged by @corylion :) Will happily tag @thenorsiest @sporkandpringles @theamazingdearheart and @funky-little-vulcan but literally anyone do it please these are just some peeps off the top of my head <3 

This is a fun goofy long post soooo.... enjoy!

1. What is the color of your hairbrush?

I have... three.. but my main one is zebra print

Oh, high school days and my obsession with it

2. A food you never eat?

Animal flesh 

...

Though that implies i eat human flesh, i more meant I’m a vegetarian who eats dairy and eggs, just not meat haha 

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold?

Literally depends on the season. Winter? Always too cold. Summer? Always too hot. I have a very fickle internal temperature. 

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

Eating eggs and watching a Darkkmane video with my dog and SO 

5. What is your favorite candy bar?

OOOOOOHHHH toss-up between Kit-Kat’s and Reese’s Cups

I’m a chocolate deviant 

6. Have you ever been to a professional sporting event?

Yes. And I spent all of it in my dad’s business box watching Flash Gordon

7. What was the last thing you said out loud?

“Next time we go to the store, if I get a white onion, you better know I hold grudges and you’ll be eating that taco” (-_- don’t ask) 

8. What is your favorite ice cream?

Moose Tracks (but I adore ice cream so all of it’s amazing) 

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?

Good old H20

10. Do you like your wallet?

It’s this phone case wallet that’s teal and covered in bicycles. I love it and have had it for like 8 years so I’d say it’s pretty badass

11. What was the last thing you ate?

I just put a peanut into my mouth before typing this sooo.... that

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?

I don’t really buy clothes all that often. Most all of my clothes are from high school/college or a oh so daring shopping spree I went on last summer just to update some of my worst wardrobe peices (and buy overalls. Overalls are the best) 

13. The last sporting event you watched?

A League of Legends Clash tournament....?

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?

Either plain butter or Red Velvet

15. Who was the last person you sent a text message to?

To the SO. I was being tired and annoyed so when I was trying to sleep and he walked out of the room and left the light on I just texted him “Light??” and then he kindly turned it off. 

16. Ever go camping?

YES! I never did as a kid but my SO and I love the great outdoors. Our best vacation together was going cross country and camping at a bunch of different landmarks. Now we live in a house in the forest and it’s like we live in a cabin and I love it <3

17. Do you take vitamins?

Yep! Multivitamin every morning. 

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?

The only church services I’ve been to are funerals and that one time when I was struggling emotionally and tried to join my friend’s church. 

But then they joked about homosexuality being the work of the devil soooo I dipped

19. Do you have a tan?

Absolutely not. I’m actually sun sensitive and have to wear hats in the summer to keep my head safe. I am a pale bitch for life 

20. Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?

HMMMMM hard call. Probably Chinese Food. Family pizza night every week is really awesome and i love it, but Chinese Food is delicious. (And fried sweet and sour tofu can take all my money)

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?

Noooooo! I don’t even drink soda. But I do have a metal, reusable straw for my giant water container :)

22. What color socks do you usually wear?

Blue? All my socks are patterned, multi-colored ones so it’s never the same. Today I’m wearing ones with penguins on them, and the penguins have scuba gear on.

23. Ever drive above the speed limit?

My first time ever driving I went way over the speed limit. 

24. What terrifies you?

Driving. 

Also the state of our world and how hard it is to be a creative in it, especially when that’s what I want to do with my life, but hey. I’m not dead i guess

25. Look to your left what do you see?

My other monitor, my computer glasses, my phone, a face mask, head phones, writing gloves, water, and 2 dark chocolate pretzels.

26. What chore do you hate?

Dog yard clean-up (obvious reasons) 

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?

Ummm... they’re from Australia I guess? 

28. What is your favorite soda?

I cannot drink soda for my health, but when I take the time to de-carbonate it, root bear, easy 

29. Do you go into a fast food place or just hit the drive through?

Neither really. I cook almost everything. But I guess the very rare times I do, we always go in

30. Who was the last person you talked to?

My dog (SO before that) 

31. Favorite cut of beef?

None. Veggie gal :)

32. Last song you listened to?

The Weight of Us- Sanders Boehlke

33. Last book you read?

The Testaments- Margaret Atwood

34. Favorite day of the week?

Wednesdays are normally pretty nice, but Saturday is also great

35. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

Yeah but I don’t wanna

36. How do you like your coffee?

Hmmm when it’s tea or hot chocolate instead

37. Favorite pair of shoes?

My blue converse

38. At what time do you usually go to bed?

11-ish 

39. At what time do you normally get up?

7:30

40. What do you prefer - sunrises or sunsets?

Sunset. Nights are my favorite

41. How many blankets are on your bed?

Oh my... my SO and I do not share blankets, and our dog has his own. Right now it’s summer so only 4, but in winter we have upwards of 7-8. 

42. Describe your kitchen plates?

We have these navy blue, tan, and gray plates that I absolutely love. They remind me of midnight waves crashing onto a beach. Obviously they are just straight lines across the plate, not actual waves, but they are awesome I love them

43. Do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage?

Nooooo not on my health plan

44. Do you play cards?

Yes! We have several decks, but my favorite are the zombie cards

45. What color is your car?

No car. No color. But SO’s car is red

46. Can you change a tire?

Nope

47. What is your favorite province?

UHHHH I assume this isn’t US because we don’t have provinces, but I’ll translate it to states. Just objectively, Michigan because I live here. But i also really adore Washington. 

48. Favorite job you ever had?

Probably writing tutor or Communcations aide. I liked doing a wide breadth of writing stuff in my job, and I also enjoyed helping people. 

49. How did you get your biggest scar?

Embarrassing. I was on blood thinners because I had a clotting disorder, so I scraped my arm against a door and even though it wasn’t that deep, it bled for hours. I have an inch scar there now. 

50. What did you do today that made someone happy?

Made my SO watch a funny video in bed, offered eggs to an internet friend, and gave my sweet doggo a peanut :) 

[miguel-manbemel]

Aspects & Fanfics Ep. 32: I’m Totally Not in Love!

New entry of this fanfic blog inspired on Sanders Sides by Thomas Sanders, Joan S. and the Foster Dawg Team. I’m trying to keep a consistent schedule in my releases, at least every fifteen days, if I can’t do it weekly. It’s not always easy, because sometimes inspiration just doesn’t want to show up, especially in these rough and stressful times we’re living. It’s five weeks of lockdown already for me and at least three more ahead, and that can take a toll on anyone... I hope if sometimes there are delays, you don’t hold it against me.

But anyway, here’s the next episode of the series. This one is starring Deceit, as implied on the title. Sometimes I worry about if the characters as I show them in the story have become just too unrecognizable. It’s the consequence of having them go through such a long story. At first, I tried to make them faithful to the series, and I still try as much as I can, but as the story goes on, the problem comes that you have to be faithful to your own story too, and in the story, characters evolve, and if you don’t respect your own evolution, your story becomes inconsistent and that’s not good. I hope that, at least, you still find the story interesting and good enough, even if it will always be inferior to the original, as it was never my goal to surpass it, I don’t even think that could be possible anyway. Okay, I’m leaving you with the story. Until next time.

SYNOPSIS: Deceit is still confused about his feelings for Remus. Patton shows up in his room, learns about what happened and tries to give him the best advice he can as an expert on feelings.

WARNINGS: Romantic dukeceit, romantic logicality in the ending card, some slight innuendo.

EPISODE INDEX

[Thomas is in the middle of filming a video with the Sides, who apparently have already sunk out moments earlier, he’s looking at a visible camera]

THOMAS: … and that’s why you have to be honest about yourself and your feelings. Not that you should tell everything on the first date, of course. You know, mystery is a good ally to keep interest flowing and all, but if you have a crush, why hiding it? If you tell them, the worst it could happen is that they told you no, and if you don’t tell them, the one giving that “no” to you is… yourself. So just be yourself and take a chance. Until next time, take it easy, guys, gals and non binary pals… Peace out!

[Thomas makes a 5-second pause, then he proceeds to turn the camera off]

THOMAS: …and cut. Okay, with this take, this new episode is officially wrapped. Now I’ll go save the raw files on my laptop, to take them to the office in time for editing. I think people will enjoy this new episode. I wonder if the Sides like it, though. Now that most of them are in relationships or even raising a family, maybe they’ll feel identified with what we were discussing earlier… but I don’t know how does a Side’s psychology work exactly. I hope they’re doing okay… Oh, I’m sure everything’s going okay for them in the love department. I don’t mean to show off, but I have a keen eye for that, and I’m sure they’re all doing fine, especially Deceit, he looked the comfiest of them all with the topic. I’m sure everything’s coming up roses for him.

[meanwhile in Deceit’s room]

DECEIT: [screeching voice] I hate my life, why does love have to be so complicated!

[intro sequence]

[Deceit is softly bumping his head on the table, still groaning out of frustration. Honesty rises up]

HONESTY: Dee, would you mind to stop!? Your turmoil of frustrated thoughts is slipping through my mind! It has made me burn my tea three times already!

DECEIT: I’m sorry I’m such a nuisance for you! Maybe I should just jump out the kitchen window to put myself out of my misery!

HONESTY: [beat] This is a ground floor.

[Deceit emits another long groan of frustration]

DECEIT: It’s okay, never mind. I’m perfectly fine and I’m just messing with you.

HONESTY: No, you’re not fine. And if you continue like this, I won’t be fine either. Deceit, you need help, and you need it fast.

DECEIT: We have already talked about this. I don’t need help.

HONESTY: Yes you do.

DECEIT: No, I don’t.

HONESTY: Yes, you do!

DECEIT: No, I don’t!

HONESTY: [now yelling] YES YOU DO!!

DECEIT: [yelling even louder] NO, I DON’T!!!

[Patton suddenly rises up, wearing his cat onesie]

PATTON: [yelling] Eeenooough!

[Deceit and Honesty’s arguing stops abruptly and they look at Patton in silence]

PATTON: What’s going on here, kiddos!? I can hear your yells from my room!

HONESTY: Oh, Patton, I’m sorry if we have disturbed you.

PATTON: I was trying to take a quick catnap after filming Thomas’ last video, and you woke me up. I hope that you’re not fighting with each other.

HONESTY: No, we were not fighting. We were just… arguing about something Deceit doesn’t agree with, right Deceit?

[Deceit looks at Honesty with a murderous face]

DECEIT: I don’t know what you’re talking about, and I’m totally not going to stab you in the middle of the night if you don’t shut up.

HONESTY: [mocking voice] Oooh… I’m so scared.

PATTON: I said stop, kiddos! Okay, Deceit, since you’re apparently the one who’s trying to hide something, you’re the one who’s going to tell me right now what is going on here.

DECEIT: It’s nothing, nothing at all. You can go back to sleep, we won’t disturb you any longer.

PATTON: No, mister. I’m not moving from this spot until you start telling me the truth about this ordeal.

DECEIT: Patton, no. Everything’s fine.

PATTON: If you don’t start talking I’m going to call Logan to get the truth out of you. It would be better and faster for both of us if you just tell me by yourself.

DECEIT: Wow, you surely know a lot about respecting others’ boundaries, right?

HONESTY: Dee, the time has come for you to tell him the truth. It will make you feel better, you’ll see. I can tell him in your place if you don’t feel strong enough to do so.

DECEIT: [sighs] You two are not gonna leave me alone until I start talking, right?

PATTON & HONESTY: [overlapping] Nope.

DECEIT: Okay, the truth is that… [smirks mischievously, then with an over-dramatic voice] yesterday I stepped on Storytime’s paw by accident. He screamed a lot but I healed him as best as I could. I’m sorry Patton, I didn’t mean to harm your dog, it was an accident…

PATTON: [distressed] What? My good boy! Is he okay!? Why didn’t you tell me sooner!? I…

HONESTY: [sighs] He’s lying, Patton. That’s not what’s bothering him at all and your dog is fine.

PATTON: [angry] Deceit Whatever-Your-Middle-Name-Is Sanders! If you scare me like that again, I’m going to physically strangle you!

DECEIT: Wasn’t it… “physically fight you”?

PATTON: That’s for when someone belittles himself. If someone hurts me on purpose, [rising both hands with a threatening glance and a deep voice] I go straight into action!

[Deceit swallows in fear]

HONESTY: Dee, do you seriously prefer to tell Patton that stupid lie instead of the truth? I thought you wanted to preserve his friendship and that’s why you were hiding it, because you didn’t want him to get mad at you. Making him mad on purpose is not exactly a wise move.

PATTON: My… friendship? Is that what’s bothering you? But Dee, you mustn’t fear about that. If I can be of any help for you I want you to tell me, cause nothing could make me happier than helping a friend in need.

DECEIT: So, you think of me… as a friend? But you… used to despise me. I thought that now you just tolerated my presence. You don’t hate me?

PATTON: Dee, of course I don’t hate you! After all the efforts you’ve done to fit in with us and after all we’ve been through together? I could not ever hate you. Yes, you represent a trait of Thomas that can be dangerous, but it’s nevertheless important for him. Besides, you are my friend and I care about you. You can tell me anything you want without fear. Nothing makes me feel more fulfilled than knowing that I’ve helped a friend in need. Please, let me help you.

DECEIT: Okay… do you promise that you won’t get mad at me, though?

PATTON: [concerned] Dee… have you done something seriously wrong that I should be worried about?

HONESTY: He didn’t, Patton, don’t worry.

PATTON: Then of course I promise.

DECEIT: Okay… the truth is… oh, I don’t even know what the truth is.

PATTON: Let me help you. You’re suffering because of romantic feelings, am I wrong?

DECEIT: [in shock] What the…? How did you guess?

PATTON: I’m an expert on feelings, that’s all, and anyone could see that you’re madly in love with someone just by looking into your eyes, not even that slit-pupil lentil could hide it from me. Do you still wear makeup or do you shapeshift now? I know that since you turned into a Light Side your face is fully human and you wore makeup because you liked your snake face, but I don’t know if you still…

DECEIT: Yes, it’s still makeup. Holding a shapeshift all day long is too exhausting if you’re not a Dark Side, and makeup is more convenient, I just summon it over my face in the morning and I’m ready for the day. Man, I really miss my scales. They may have been disturbing for you, but I liked them. But now, getting back on topic, I already told you I’m in love with Virgil, so…

PATTON: Oh, Dee, you’re not in love with Virgil. Maybe you were in the past, but not anymore. The way you look at Virgil doesn’t elicit… the spark. Even now, when you’re talking about Virgil, I don’t feel any true passion in your attitude. Trust me, kiddo, you’re not in love with Virgil. But… you are indeed in love, I can feel that too.

HONESTY: Wow, they say that fathers know it all, but you are ridiculous, Patton.

PATTON: Thanks, kiddo. So, are you going to tell me who’s the lucky one, Dee?

DECEIT: I’m a little ashamed to confess, Patton.

PATTON: I hope it’s not Logan. He’s already taken.

DECEIT: What? Logan? Of course not! How do you want me to be in love with that nerdy teacher? He’s not my type at all!

PATTON: Glad to hear that, but that doesn’t mean you can speak about my boyfriend in those terms. He’s gorgeous and anyone should be proud of falling at his feet.

DECEIT: Good for you… but my taste is much more… wild.

PATTON: [horrified] Oh, my goodness! You’re in love with… the Dark Master!?

DECEIT: [groans, with a face of horror and disgust] No! For goodness sake, Patton, you’re perfect to discover when someone is in love but when it comes to identifying the object of affection, you’re so oblivious! No one could ever love the Dark Master! You’d have to be drunk to see him attract… [stops mid-sentence, remembering that Patton once was in love with the Dark Master] Sorry, Patton.

PATTON: It’s okay, I’m no longer the same as back then. I totally agree with you right now. And I suddenly remembered how badly he treated you in the past. How could you be in love with him? I apologize, kiddo.

DECEIT: It’s okay.

PATTON: Then, who could it be? The only other wild Side that comes to my mind would be Remus, but I don’t think that you…

[Deceit looks at Patton with a meaningful glance]

PATTON: Wait, seriously?

DECEIT: Yep, seriously.

PATTON: Wow, this was unexpected. You two are so different. You are smooth, sophisticated, even cold to some extent, and he’s so wild, chaotic and unpredictable… I would have never pegged you for him. Maybe it’s true that opposites attract.

DECEIT: I would have never pegged myself for him either. But… I guess when he kissed me, he drove me mad in a way. I haven’t been myself ever since.

PATTON: Wait, wait, wait. So he kissed you? Does that mean that… he loves you back? Then what’s the problem here?

DECEIT: The problem is I don’t have my feelings straightened up at all! [Patton opens his mouth] Don’t… you dare making a pun about being straight or not. No puns about my feelings, Patton. [Patton closes his mouth and Deceit waits a second before going on talking] Up to this very moment, I was convinced I still loved Virgil, but… when you were so categorical about it… I realized you were right. I don’t feel the same for Virgil as I used to feel anymore, and I didn’t realize up until this very moment. Maybe I didn’t want to see it. I have been in love with Virgil for so long that I had assumed that this feeling would be unbreakable by now. Surprisingly for me, I was lying to myself all this time…

PATTON: Unfortunately, love is never unbreakable. Love is like fine crystal. Very beautiful and very valuable, but very fragile if you don’t treat it right. Even the strongest relationships need to be treated with care so as not to crack them. If love is totally unrequited like it was your case, no matter how strong it is, sooner or later it’s gonna fade away, like a plant. You may water it with affection, fertilize it with compliments, and take care of it with words and actions of love as best as you can, but without sun, the sun of the other’s affection, it dies. It’s sad, but it’s true.

HONESTY: Wow, you know a lot about metaphors now, Patton.

PATTON: I have a son-in-law that has taught me well, kiddo.

DECEIT: But I thought the opposite of love is hate, or at least indifference. I don’t feel hate or indifference at all towards Virgil. On the contrary, I still feel like I love him dearly, and I still care deeply for his well being. I would still die for him if he asked me to and walk to hell itself if he needed me to. In my mind, I… I never stopped loving him. See? I have just said I didn’t love Virgil and now I’m saying that I still love him. Ain’t that confusion?

PATTON: You are confused because now you love Virgil in a different way. It’s no longer romantic. It’s friendly. In your case, I would say that you love Virgil like a brother, since you’ve been through so much together. And that has confused you a lot. You didn’t notice that your love for him had faded away, because it didn’t, it just transformed from romantic to friendly, and it was so gradual you didn’t see it. There’s also this particular detail.

DECEIT: What detail?

PATTON: In the labyrinth, you had to face a vision of Virgil trying to seduce you. The only way of getting out of that vision was moving on from your pending issues, at least that’s what the original Light Master said. If you still were in love with Virgil, you still would be in the labyrinth, trapped in your vision. But you got out, which means you’ve necessarily had to move on from Virgil.

DECEIT: I mean, I guess…

PATTON: So, about Remus again, what are you going to do?

DECEIT: I… I don’t know.

PATTON: Speak from the heart. What does your heart tell you?

DECEIT: I already said that I’m attracted to him, but… I’m still not sure if it is love at all. I don’t wanna make the wrong move and break my heart, or his heart, again.

PATTON: You did mention that Remus kissed you. Turn back to that moment and tell me, as honestly as you can, what did that kiss make you feel. Did you want him to stop or did you want him to continue? Did it make you feel disgusted, indifferent or joyful?

DECEIT: It was so sudden, that at first I just felt shock, out of the surprise. He just kissed me in the middle of the conversation, without fair warning. One moment he was speaking and the next moment his lips were on mine, just like that, I think I didn’t even see him coming.

HONESTY: That’s very him, in a way. Remus has always been that unpredictable. You never know what to expect from him.

DECEIT: After that, while he was kissing me… it was a mixed reaction of… joy and extreme fear. I was really scared of what was happening at that moment, but at the same time… I didn’t want it to end. His kiss wasn’t just of the passionate lusty type. It was maybe slightly rough, but it was tender, sweet, full of love, like… No, what I was gonna say is so corny even you would laugh.

PATTON: Keep going, kiddo. Describe your feelings just the way you experienced them. We’re not gonna laugh or label them as corny. And if anyone labels them so, who cares? They’re your own personal feelings and, since they don’t hurt anyone, they’re completely valid, corny or not.

DECEIT: Okay… it was… like Remus was tearing his own soul open and feeding me true love from inside of himself, through his own lips into mine, bringing a warmth into my heart that was completely new for me. For the first time in my life… I was feeling loved, in the romantic sense, you know? That had never happened to me before. Virgil never loved me that way… Yes, you could call me joyful…

[Deceit looks at Patton with a face of realization]

DECEIT: You know what, Patton? I think… I think I really love him.

PATTON: That’s cute, kiddo! So, let me ask you again. What are you going to do?

DECEIT: I think I know what to do now. I have to talk to him. It’s just that… I’m afraid to talk to him. I was so rude to him and his feelings… maybe he’ll hold it against me. Maybe he’s angry at me and he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore.

PATTON: That’s what you thought about me before and you were wrong. You’ll see how, if you talk to him, you’ll discover you’re wrong again. Don’t risk a lifetime of happiness just for some fears in your head, kiddo. Step into it and give yourself a chance to be happy. The worst that could happen is that he said “no”, and even then, the world wouldn’t fall apart. You’d have all your life ahead of you to recover and find love again, should that happen, so be bold and be brave and… just be yourself, kiddo.

[Deceit sighs]

DECEIT: You’re right, Patton. I’m gonna tell him. Wish me luck, guys.

HONESTY: Good luck, brother. We’re rooting for you.

PATTON: Good luck, kiddo, you can do this!

DECEIT: Okay… It’s now or never. Let’s go.

[Deceit sinks down. Then, he rises up in Remus’ room. Remus is looking for something inside the fridge, he doesn’t notice Deceit arriving. Deceit walks towards him until he’s right behind him]

DECEIT: Hi, Remus.

[Remus screams and jumps, scared, he pulls out his mace in the middle of the jump and the mace gets caught by the spikes in the ceiling. Remus ends up clinging from the ceiling hanging to the mace]

REMUS: Don’t do that, Jeez! You scared the intrusive thoughts out of me!

DECEIT: I’m sorry! Do you need help getting back down?

REMUS: Nah, don’t worry, it’s not that high, I can just let go.

[He lets go and crashes on the floor]

DECEIT: [scared] My goodness, are you okay?

[Deceit reaches a hand to help Remus, but Remus slaps it away, then stands up by himself]

REMUS: [angry] I’m telling you I’m fine! I can stand up by myself, I don’t need you to pity me!

DECEIT: [rubbing his hand covered by his yellow glove] I wasn’t pitying you… I was worried you could have got hurt.

REMUS: Is that true or is that another one of your lies?

DECEIT: Of course it’s true. I’m trying to be honest right now, and it’s not easy for me when I’m so nervous.

REMUS: [cold voice] Well, don’t worry about me. I’ve endured worse pains, both physical and psychological. A little bump on my butt is nothing for me, and I don’t want you to baby me. Now, what do you want?

DECEIT: Remus, I… I came here to apologize for what I told you the other day. I was inconsiderate and I’m sorry.

REMUS: You didn’t have to. I don’t need apologies of any kind, especially from you. You don’t owe me anything and I have no right to ask you for it.

DECEIT: Yes, I have to. I need to, because I have hurt you and I’d never want to hurt you… because you’re important to me.

REMUS: [voice of not believing] Oh, nice… Well, if it helps to bring peace to your soul, I forgive you. Now, if you excuse me, I was busy, so, if you don’t mind… [makes a gesture with his hands asking him to leave]

DECEIT: Yes… well… that’s not the only reason I came here for.

REMUS: [angry] Will you spit it out already!? Stop wasting my time with your blabbering and cut to the chase!

DECEIT: [speaking quickly] I love you!

[Remus looks at Deceit with an expression of shock, unable to say a word]

DECEIT: [completely nervous, he loses control and starts speaking in lies] I mean, of course not, I’m totally not in love with you. It’s just that you’re not cute at all and you were completely wrong when you said I was lying to myself, and now I haven’t thought about it and realized that you mean the world to me. It’s not that at all and you can’t excuse me right now because I’m talking in truth because I’m nervous and…

REMUS: Shut up, please!

DECEIT: [taking a deep breath] Sorry…

REMUS: Do you have any idea of how much I have cried over you these past few days? I still remember you saying that your love for Virgil pales in comparison with your love for me… You broke my heart, in a way that not even my wild nature could possibly bare. I gave you my heart and you threw it away, [starts singing to the tune of “Requiem” from Dear Evan Hansen] …leaving these broken pieces behind you… [speaking] And now you come back here, tell me that you love me and expect to fix it all just like that?

DECEIT: Remus, I’m sorry, I was really confused. I didn’t realize how much your love meant to me.

REMUS: And I also remember very well what I told you when I left, and you should have remembered too before coming here. I told you “I don’t know for how long my feelings for you will last.” So maybe it’s too late already, snakey boy.

[Deceit looks at Remus. Then an expression of anger appears on Deceit’s face]

DECEIT: Hold on for a second! It was you who came to me, kissed me and turned my world upside down! And now you tell me that in a matter of… - what, a few days? - …you have changed your mind? You’re truly saying that you don’t love me anymore!?

REMUS: You should have taken your chance when you had it, Deceit! I warned you I’m unpredictable!

DECEIT: Well, guess what!?

REMUS: What!?

DECEIT: So am I!

[Suddenly Deceit holds Remus and kisses him. Remus does nothing to hold him back. In fact, he hugs Deceit and kisses him back. When the kiss is over, they look at each other for a couple of seconds, still hugging]

REMUS: [smirks] How long have you known I was lying?

DECEIT: [also smirks] All the time… Okay, I’ll be honest, when you told me to shut up, it was then when I realized you were lying. You gotta step up your game if you intend to fool me with lies. No one can lie to me without me detecting it. You should have known already.

REMUS: Of course I knew, Dee. I know you very well, remember? I know you always catch a liar from a mile away.

DECEIT: Then, why did you lie to me?

REMUS: Well, I had to do something to spice up my game. I couldn’t make it so easy for you, could I? Besides, I had to do something to make you snap out of your fears. Don’t think I didn’t notice that one big reason you were so hesitant to love me is that you’re scared to love me. But you don’t have to fear me, Dee. I may be a little crazy…

DECEIT: A little?

REMUS: Okay, extremely crazy, but there’s one thing in which Roman and I are very similar. We both value romance above all else. Roman in the dull gallant way he enjoys so much and me in the… [long bleep that covers the rest of the sentence, Deceit giggles while blushing slightly]. But we both agree that when we fall in love, we take it seriously. We both treasure that love and protect it with our lives if need be. I can assure you that if you give me a chance, I’ll do my best to make you happy, and above else, that I would rather die than hurt you… [suggestive smirk] unless you want me to. So, what do you say? Will you give me a chance?

DECEIT: Are you kidding me? I was the one who came here to ask you for a chance and now you’re the one asking me? Of course I do.

[Deceit and Remus kiss again]

DECEIT: I suddenly realized something. If we ever marry… Roman, your brother, would become my brother-in-law, and then Virgil, his husband, would loosely become my brother-in-law too… That’s weird…

REMUS: If you find that weird, wait until Roman and I need to fuse again into the original Creativity… oh, the implications in the relation between you, Virgil and Roman’s fusion are so…

DECEIT: [a little uncomfortable] It’s okay, I don’t wanna think about that. Besides, I don’t like weddings anyway, so…

REMUS: Neither do I, my love… neither do I…

[Deceit tears up]

REMUS: What’s wrong?

DECEIT: It’s nothing… It’s just that no one had called me “my love” ever before and… I got emotional.

REMUS: [cleaning Deceit’s tears with his finger] Please don’t cry… mon amour… your snake makeup will be ruined.

DECEIT: You’ll think I’m silly for sticking to this stupid snake makeup.

REMUS: Oh, do you wanna see some silly facial sticky things?

[Suddenly Remus rips his mustache off]

DECEIT: What? You’ve always worn a fake mustache?

REMUS: Yeah… as a matter of fact… I can’t grow facial hair at all. I never could, that’s why I wear this. It makes me look creepier for Thomas and the others, which is my job. But when I’m with you… I don’t need to be creepy at all, you know?

DECEIT: Have I already told you that I love you?

REMUS: Yes, but don’t stop telling me, mon petit cheri…

DECEIT: I didn’t know you spoke French so well.

REMUS: Well, Thomas always said he wished to speak Spanish and French, but he currently can’t, so now he speaks them only in his imagination. That is, Roman got Spanish and I got French.

DECEIT: Je t’aime… Is that how you say “I love you” in French?

REMUS: [nods with a loving glance] Moi aussi, mon petit serpent.

[Remus kisses Deceit again. Meanwhile, Thomas is in the living room]

THOMAS: I really should start taking French lessons. For one reason or another, I can only think of that right now… among other things that certainly could be gayer… I think I’m gonna get a shower. Until next time, take it easy, guys, gals and non binary pals. Peace out!

[end card]

[Logan is in his room, he has a face of concern. Patton rises up]

PATTON: [happy singsongy voice] Hi, Logan!

LOGAN: Hi, Patton. How has your day been?

PATTON: Quite great, actually. I helped a friend that needed me and that always brings me happiness enough for a week.

LOGAN: [absent voice] That’s nice…

PATTON: [worried] Is anything wrong, Logan? You look worried.

LOGAN: [clears his throat] Don’t worry, I’m okay. Listen, Patton.

PATTON: Yes, Logan?

LOGAN: I need to go somewhere now.

PATTON: Somewhere?

LOGAN: Yes, I have some work to be done which cannot wait any longer. I should’ve been gone already, but I didn’t want to leave without at least telling you.

PATTON: Will you be out for long?

LOGAN: I’ll be out for some time, but don’t worry, I’ll enter autopilot so that Thomas doesn’t miss my logical functions when he needs them.

PATTON: What if I need you, Logan? What if I’m the one who misses you?

[Logan smiles tenderly and pets Patton’s cheek]

LOGAN: I’m gonna miss you too every second I’m away, but I have no choice. I have to go.

PATTON: Can I go with you, Logan?

LOGAN: As much as I wish, you can’t, Patton. This is my duty and it’s something that I must do alone.

PATTON: Your duty? It sounds so serious, Logan.

LOGAN: Of course it’s serious, I…

PATTON: …wear a necktie, I know, but I mean serious as in dangerous. Are you sure you’ll be okay? And why don’t you want to tell me?

LOGAN: Don’t worry about me. And please, don’t tell the others about this. I don’t want to worry them as much as you are right now. As I said, I’ll be out for a little long. [serious commanding voice] But no matter how long I take, Patton, and it’s imperative that you listen to me, do… not… come after me, is that clear?

PATTON: But where are you…?

LOGAN: [interrupting with a firm voice] Is that clear?

PATTON: Okay, I promise…

LOGAN: Thank you, I count on you. Okay, I’ll be going then. Goodbye, Patton.

[Patton kisses Logan]

PATTON: Goodbye. Please come back as soon as you can, Logan. I love you.

LOGAN.: I’ll return as soon as I’m able, I promise. Goodbye, Patton.

[Logan heads to the front door. Before opening it, he turns back, looks at Patton with a face of slight angst, then runs to him and gives him a long kiss while hugging him tightly, when he’s finished, Patton looks at Logan. Logan’s eyes are teary behind the glasses]

LOGAN: I love you, Patton, never forget that I love you. Goodbye.

[Then, Logan runs to the door, opens it and crosses it quickly, closing it behind him, Patton barely has time to notice an indigo light gleaming outside the door before Logan closes it quickly. Then he hears the noise of the key locking the door, then his footsteps outside fading away quickly]

PATTON: [concerned] Why… why did this kiss taste like a final farewell kiss? I hope you don’t break your promise, Logan, and come back soon… And I was feeling so happy when I came here…

[Patton stands there, looking at the closed door for a couple of seconds before sinking down to go back to his own room]

[kourdem]

What is Artificial Intelligence?

what is artificial intelligence? that I even have websites that provide educational materials about cyber security but what you don’t know is that last week i published a book called cyber security for the digitally challenged it’s an interactive electronic book designed for people who are not technical don’t have any background in cyber security if this description fits you then the book is supposed especially for you the book is free and should be easily downloaded at the tunes

 bookstore now back to AI i don’t realize you but once i used to be young i remember going to the 1964 world’s fair and seeing incredible and amazing futuristic devices general motors had a pavilion called the future of reality and the city of tomorrow and it had been the very first time that i saw what they called a picture phone but my first real inspect artificial intelligence began when i first started watching the Jetsons meet George Jensen is jane his wife remember once we all thought that that would be our future well variety of the predictions did come true video calling devices robotic vacuums electronic banking just to call a few of what most people don’t realize is that artificial intelligence is all around us AI is all around us you’ll see it when Alexa answers one of your questions when your email gives you a suggestion of what to reply with or even once you put a photograph on Facebook and it recognizes your face it’s so commonplace at the moment that tons of people like me are now asking what’s this all leading towards today we ask siri to pay our favourite music things like hey siri please play the beetle oh yeah or hey google what time is it in sunshine beach Australia it’s 4 28 a.m in sunshine beach Australia that’s just not a random request actually my daughter and her family live in sunshine beach Australia when you’re asking to talk to siri Alexa or google your lecture an artificial intelligence agent and this ai is learning your personal preferences the more you use the device the more it learns and the more accurately it can anticipate your every need when someone mentions artificial intelligence what’s the first thing that comes to your mind now most people imagine a military of human-like robots that are repelling against society well a few of fit few people like myself have a more positive um thinking about community envisioning a bright future so what exactly is artificial intelligence it’s definitely not a magical program that can think kind of person's it’s things like virtual companions the controlled gaming surgical robots personal assistants and other devices that we use each day to make our lives better and more efficient now it had been within the mid-1950s that John McCarthy who was a Stanford researcher coined the term AI and he would define it because the science of engineering at the science and engineering of making intelligent agents McCarthy presented his definition of artificial intelligence at a conference on the campus of Dartmouth College in Hanover New Hampshire within the summer of 1956 and this indicated the very beginning of ai research the concept of ai has changed over time but the goal has always been the same to really make computers think like humans during a nutshell ai’s goal is to make computer or computer programs smart enough to initiate the behavior of a human mind now it’s likely that you simply simply interacted with some kind of ai in your day-to-day activities probably even today if you use gmail you may enjoy the automated spam filters in fact according to google Gmail blocks a hundred million spam messages daily with its artificial intelligence agent next if you own a smartphone you probably fill out a calendar app with the help of apple siri or Microsoft’s cortina or Samsung’s Bixby and if you own a newer vehicle perhaps you’ve benefited from the driver-assisted feature while you're driving these are all possible thanks to artificial intelligence but as convenient and helpful as these products are they lack the facility to seek out out independently they can’t think outside of their code and most of you recognize that code is a written set of instructions that tells the ai what to undertake to to so here is where i would like to introduce you to machine learning and this a neighborhood of the presentation might get a little geeky machine learning could also be a branch of ai whose purpose is to supply machines the ability to seek out out a task without pre-existing code our ability to seek out out and acquire better at tasks through experience may be a component of being human when we’re born we all know almost nothing and can do almost nothing for ourselves but soon we’re learning and becoming more capable each day but did you recognize that computers can do the same machine learning brings together statistics and computing to enable computers to seek out out the thanks to do a given task without being programmed to undertake to to so just as your brain uses experience to reinforce at a task so can computers say you'd sort of a computer that can tell the difference between a picture of a dog and a picture of a cat you'll begin by feeding it images and telling it this one’s a dog that one’s a cat a computer program to seek out out will seek statistical patterns within the data that will enable it to acknowledge a cat or a dog in the future it'd determine on its own that cats have shorter noses which dogs are available a much bigger kind of sizes and then represent that information numerically organizing it in space but crucially it’s the pc not the programmer that identifies those patterns and establishes the algorithm by which future data are getting to be sorted one example of a simple yet highly effective algorithm is to hunt out the optimal line separating cats from dogs when the pc sees a replacement picture it checks which side of the road it falls on then says either cat or dog but actually there are often mistakes the more data the pc receives the more finely tuned its algorithm becomes and the more accurate it are often in its predictions machine learning is already widely applied it’s the technology behind facial recognition text and speech recognition spam filters on your inbox online shopping or viewing recommendations credit card forward detection then much more at the university of oxford machine learning researchers are combining statistics and computer science to make algorithms which can solve more complex problems more efficiently using less computing power from medical diagnoses to social media the potential of machine learning to transform our world is really mind-blowing machine learning could also be a could also be a rare sorry machine learning may be a neighborhood of research in computing that studies a special kind of instruction called algorithms algorithms are a gaggle of step-by-step instructions used to do something an algorithm is really only a gaggle of rules as an example if you sort your laundry before you’re washing it you use an algorithm if the algorithm is to put the white laundry on the left pile and the colored laundry on the right pile and you repeat until you’re done this is an algorithm it’s just that simple machine learning uses a gaggle of instructions that improve automatically based on experience in other words what makes machine learning algorithms different from others is that they’re able to learn from the data that we feed them image recognition could also be a exemplar every day we’re getting image recognition more involved so on help us with our personal daily lives if you see some strange looking plant your friend is growing in their living room simply point google lands at it and it will tell you what it's if your discord friend uploads a photograph of their new cat and you'd wish to understand what breed it's just run a google image reverse search and you’ll determine what it's even self-driving vehicles need to know where they can drive which may be a road where are the lanes where they're going to make a turn what the difference is between a red light green light and amber light where the stop signs are well you get the message as you will see image recognition could also be an enormous a neighborhood of deep learning and it are often both cool and scary so how does it work here’s a basic explanation in order for that car to know what a stop sign looks like it must tend an image of a stop sign the machine will read the stop sign and through a selection of algorithms it will then study the stop sign and analyze how the image goes to look by going section per section what color is that the stop sign what shape is it what’s written thereon how big is it always and where is it usually seen during a driver’s peripheral vision things like that if there’s any errors scientists can simply correct them once the image has been completely read it are often labeled and categorized but why stop with one image in our perspective we don’t really need to think for half a second on what a stop sign is and what we must do once we see it we’ve seen numerous stop signs in our lives it’s almost embedded in our brains so the machine must read many different stop signs for better accuracy that way it doesn’t matter whether the stop sign is seen during foggy or rainy conditions during the night or during the day because the machine has seen a stop sign many times it can know it’s a stop sign just by watching its shape and color alone all of that sounds really cool right but it can also be scary if you upload and replica your photos go check out your photos if you haven’t sorted anything you’ll notice that google has done it for you there’s a category for places things videos and animations and maybe others and if you attend things you’ll see that google has sorted your photos into albums supported where google thinks they belong so you’ll have photos labeled as food beaches trains buses and whatever else you will have photographed within the past this is all due to the work of google’s image recognition analysis it has analyzed over 1,000,000 photos on the internet your photos your friends photos strangers photos and any photo that appears on google image search it’s not just google that uses image recognition also if you upload a photo and facebook recognizes your friends it will automatically tag them so yes it’s quite creepy considering it’s a privacy concern but some people may appreciate the convenience anyways because it saves a short time no matter how cool or scary it's image recognition plays a huge role in society and will still be in development many companies are continuing to implement image recognition and other ai technologies the more we'll automate certain tasks with machines the more productive we'll be as a society now because the video described an image recognition machine could even be given millions of pictures to research after going through many changes the machine acquires the ability to acknowledge patterns shapes faces and even more speech recognition is another exemplar of this there are two basic kinds of artificial intelligence the first is weak ai which is additionally known as narrow ai this type of ai can handle only one task at a time for example it can select your favorite song from spotify select your favorite movie from netflix filter your email spam or instruct a self-driving car the second is what’s called strong iai and it’s also mentioned as artificial general intelligence or agi this is much more sophisticated this type of ai refers to a system which is able to affect a generalized task much like an individual's agi as it’s abbreviated can successfully perform any intellectual task that an individual's can this sort of ai is this is that the ai that we’ve seen in movies like her and other scientific movies during which humans interact with machines and operating systems these artificial intelligent agents are conscious they can sense things and are driven by emotion and self-awareness but for machines to understand a true human-like intelligence they need to be capable of experiencing consciousness and as far as as far as today this has not happened hello i’m here oh hi hi how you doing i’m well how’s everything with you pretty good actually it’s very nice to meet you now that’s just slightly excerpt from her for all of you that never saw the movie you need to it’s quite interesting efforts to advance ai concepts over the over the past 20 years have resulted in some truly amazing innovations let’s inspect a few of meet digit manufactured by agility robotics digit is envisioned to help lookout of people in their homes assist with disaster response and deliver packages to front doors with its nimble limbs and a torso packed with sensors digit can navigate complex environments and perform tasks like package delivery digit could also be an immediate descendant of cassie agility’s first robot in may 2019 ford motor company and agility announced a partnership to develop a last mile logistics solution that combines ford’s autonomous vehicle technology and agilities digit this is pepper manufactured by softbank robotics pepper is that the world’s first social humanoid robot that is able to recognize faces and basic human emotions pepper has been adopted by over 2 000 companies around the world perfect in retail and finance industries pepper has numerous functionalities including increasing store traffic by attracting the attention of shoppers creating memorable in-store experiences stimulating purchase and retained customers pepper can also gather comprehensive data to enrich the customer base and generate shopper insights this is atlas the world’s most dynamic humanoid robot built by boston dynamics an organization that was previously owned by google and now by softbank thanks to its state-of-the-art hardware and algorithm that allows it to quickly understand instructions with its 28 hydraulic joints 4.9 feet of height and 176 pounds weight the robot can perform both impressive and terrifying acts including navigating uneven terrain jumping around a parkour course and doing somersaults all these activities demonstrate human level agility so the robot are often perfect for search and rescue operations and performing human tasks in environments where humans couldn't survive introducing spot a robot dog designed for industrial uses such as carrying goods through a warehouse and inspecting a far off site with an unfavorable environment for human operators it can run at 5.2 feet per second has 360 degree cameras and can operate in temperatures ranging from 4 to 113 degrees fahrenheit with its api and versatile payload interface the robot are often easily customized for desired tasks spod is additionally manufactured by boston dynamics and is now being leased to eligible companies these are truly amazing but now let’s inspect how ai learns typically there are three learning method methods supervised learning unsupervised learning and something called reinforcement learning in supervised learning the computer scientist would label the correct answer and ai would learn the pattern by comparing the proper answer with other possible answers in unsupervised learning the scientist would provide the proper answer and thus the algorithms would infer patterns from the data set without reference to the known or labeled outcomes now this may get very very technical the last is known as reinforcement learning and it really plays a very very minor role in training ai but it’s very almost like training an animal giving them reinforcement when the animal displays the required behavior it’s given a present now this gets to be very complex and very geeky so that’s about all that every one the knowledge that i’ll give you now computers and other ai applications are everywhere today it'd be almost impossible to go through your entire life without using any quite artificial intelligence we use cars atms tvs and these all contain computers and ais with ai assistants here’s slightly song to help you remember televisions cars airplanes traffic lights computers are everywhere around us computers are everywhere around us i know that’s silly but i assumed it might cause you to smile let’s inspect a few of straightforward applications of ai that probably most of you use first siri is one of the foremost popular personal assistants offered by apple on the iphone ipad and thus the apple watch she helps to hunt out information get directions send messages make voice phone calls open applications and add events and even add events to my calendar siri uses machine learning technology in order to urge smarter and capable to understand natural language questions and requests next is netflix and netflix needs no introduction it’s a widely popular content on demand service that uses predictive technology to provide recommendations on the thought of your reaction interest choices and behavior once you choose films the technology examines content to reconnect sorry to recommend movies that are based on your previous liking and your reactions now remember netflix is turning more and more intelligent every single year as it get gathers more data on you next is pandora and pandora is considered the world’s most powerful music discovery platform it uses a proprietary algorithm to determine which music to play for you at any given time it’s also called the dna of music because depending upon 400 musical characteristics the team of expert musicians individually analyzes the song and the ai algorithm then recommends the song to you on your personal playlist next is nest and it’s made by google and nest is one of the foremost famous and successful AI startups google acquired it in 2014 for 3.2 billion dollars and thus the nest learning system thermostat uses behavioral algorithms to save you energy supported your behavior and schedule it uses a very intelligent machine learning process that learns the temperature that you simply simply like and programs itself during a few week moreover it'll automatically pack up to save energy if nobody is reception next is my favorite and it’s a flying drone they’re variety of my favorite toys they indicate a robust machine learning system that can translate the environment into a 3d model through its sensors and camera videos sorry and and thus the and video cameras they magically fly which they return home safely almost to the precise spot where they left from amazon echo and apple’s homepod are amazing these are revolutionary products which can assist you to seem the web for information schedule appointments shop control lights and switches and thermostats answer questions read you audio books report traffic weather provide you with information on local businesses provide sports scores and your schedule just to call a few of smart watches are awesome which i always own one actually i’m such an electronic junkie that i always got to have the foremost up-to-date version of the apple i watch smart watches are equipped with advanced ai and will monitor your every move within the old days we’d walk 10 miles to highschool within the snow or so we thought and now we've smart watches and phone apps and AI wearables to tell us exactly how far we’re walking or running and they also track our pulse the number of calories burned and many other metrics artificial intelligence is gaining popularity at a quicker pace influencing the way that we live and interact with our surroundings the internet of things is growing larger every day and internet of things devices cannot function without AI and AI needs iot devices to be of greater use to humanity these technologies hold the power to transform our lives when it involves ai it’s difficult to truly know where we’re headed but we’ve come so far so quickly the thing is today that we don’t realize when we’re in-tuned with artificial intelligence because we’re getting so used to the technology doing new and amazing things each day that we don’t start to stop to believe the science behind the gadgets or the programs.