#ending my relationship bc we dont wanna do long distance. which hurts.

[doecrossing]

Been feeling an overwhelming sense of melancholy + general stress these past couple days ughhh

[harley-style]

DREAM SMP Swap AU

Dream = Wilbur : Dream comes into the server to help these two kids who are trying to stir shit up -- why not, right? He's got a fondness for chaos but also very protective and caring over his friends. VERY FOND OF TUBBO. To the point of.. well, brotherhood. Wilbur = Dream : He had a vision, to create a place where people could emancipate -- he's not above being the bad guy to keep that ideal in place. He's charming and self-confident and isn't afraid to use blackmail or get all up in your business. Has dirt on everyone but Dream. Constantly threatens secrets but subtle, yanno? Again, very charming, very persuasive.

Tubbo = Tommy : Still very sweet, but Big Crime often comes out to play more often than not. Also a huge trouble magnet, tried to start a...Honey smuggling empire? For some fucking reason, despite its innocent sounding plan, is a threat to Wilbur's land but no one has any idea why. Tommy = Tubbo : Tommy has an innate fucking fixation on music discs. He's got Cat and Mellohi personally. He dreams of starting up a music cafe/music area...? He and Dream get along swimmingly, Dream actually gifts Tommy a few music discs too, but also pins Tommy with the name discount Dave Strider.

Fundy = Eret : Was convinced earlier on by Wilbur to continue his 'legacy' and ideals. Fundy further grows into a neutral party, doing things only when it benefits him. Is the traitor from the first war. Eret = Fundy : Gets far too involved with stuff and the only way out is if he wiggles through the restraints on him. Yes that's metaphorical.

JSchlatt = Technoblade : Assists through uses of contracts and business deals. Like, hello, Tubbo's Honey smuggling business? He and Dream make an agreement, he supplies Dream and Tubbo with shit, and Dream does favors for Schlatt. Technoblade = Jschlatt : Anarchy lmfao. Was actually brought on by Wilbur in secret. Acted as a benefactor for Dream before turning around and causing chaos in the land Dream Tubbo and Tommy built. Blood for the blood god, only the strongest gets to the top kind of government. There's always fucking pitfights. Oops.

Philza = Callahan : Largely uninvolved in the events, mostly just there to supervise Wilbur, Tommy and Techno. Duh. Callahan = Philza : Has personal history with Dream, tries to convince him not to do the thing that could hurt everyone else. Minimally succeeds.

Alyssa = Niki : Ready to defend her home and her family. Niki = Alyssa : Neutral, but ready to back Wilbur up if need be.

Sapnap = Bad : Arsonist, goes around and burns shit whenever he wants to. His base is a Nether inspired fortress. Also, he has to deal with a Nether problem in reference to the Red Vine problem from the original SMP. Hotlands? LMFAO Bad = Sapnap : Helps when asked. Started out on Wilbur's side, as a favor, but slowly shifts neutral due to the conflict between factions.

Karl = Skeppy : Gets held hostage? That's what preoccupies Sapnap's time. He suddenly disappeears or gets trapped in a cell. Skeppy = Karl : Runs around doing supply runs. Gets his friends into various stints to try and settle the conflict through friendly rivalry and competition. It doesn't always work.

George = Ranboo : Unlike original Ranboo, George is highly unsympathetic and needs concrete fucking facts before he acts, and that kind of backfires on him in the end. As a favor to Dream (how many favors is Dream involved in honestly) he runs messages back and forth from Tubbo to Tommy. Ranboo = George : Largely uninvolved in the conflict, like Niki, but unlike OG George, is not absent. He's just there to assist. One of the most innocent and purest people on the SMP, knows when to keep his head down. When his house burns down, he doesn't really believe its Tubbo who did it -- he knows the kid has been framed because he'd been WITH him at the time, but Wilbur pressures him to admit it.

Quackity = Punz : Wilbur's loyal paid henchman. Quackity will cause shit for the appropriate price, he's not exceptionally picky. That stunt he did as Mexican Dream was great and everyone in L'Manberg loved it. Punz = Quackity : One of the best fighters under Techno. Has more morals, but keeps them secretly. Very good at hiding his true intentions/feelings.

(sorry about the other characters not being on here, i dont know them enough to make swaps, or dont know who they'd make a good swap with. Swap who you wanna swap though! i'd like to hear your take on this matter! HEADCANONS ACCEPTED TOO AT THIS POINT EVERYTHING HERE IS FROM WHAT I REMEMBER AND MY HEADCANONS)

PLOT

-Wilbur starts the SMP with Niki, slowly invites others like Ranboo, Tommy, and Tubbo.

-Tubbo expresses a desire to Fuck Shit Up and Tommy says they can get Dream, he's an expert at getting away.

-Dream is extremely protective of them both. Tubbo more than Tommy but that's fine because Tommy is largely independent.

-Tubbo gets in the weirdest shit but Tommy can roll with the punches really quickly.

-Wilbur gets tired of their crap and burns down Tubbo's establishment. It's like the Disc Wars except it's the Great Honey War. Bee War? Basically he's tired of Tubbo hogging all the Honey related expenditures.

-Dream gets the idea to make a honey smuggling empire, as a joke, but Tubbo is Big Crime and he's going with it. Tommy just wants chaos, and he was getting bored tbh.

-Eventually the Honey thing turns into Resource management, so Tubbo Dream and Tommy have a hold on all major supplies

-Shit happens and Dream, Tubbo, Tommy, Eret, Sam, Fundy and Alyssa establish an independent nation. Dunno what to call it bc the server is called the L'manberg SMP so....

-The fight for indepencence still happens. Instead of 'Green boy' Wilbur is named 'E-boy'. Dream still says "WE HAVE NO MERCY FOR YOU" when Wil calls for a ceasefire negotiation, but Wilbur does threaten the nation saying  "If there is no white flag by tomorrow, then you can kiss your sorry little arses good bye. That's my final warning."

-Turns out Fundy's been secretly funneling information to Wilbur in exchange for the safety of his friends, and also because Wilbur's his dad....uhm. Also! He and Dream are circling each other and others are like "OH MY GOD YOU GUYS ARE DEAD RINGERS FOR QUEERPLATONIC MATES JUST MARRY ALREADY" bc I like FundyWasTaken but others might not and its okay, we'll label it as platonic, but can be read otherwise depending on your tastes. But for this, it's very close platonic.

-Wilbur goads Tommy into a fight, as brothers do, but Tubbo steps in and Wilbur fucking jumps at the chance.

-This is the start of Dream's descent into madness. No one fucking threatens or pulls one of his friends like that. Denied. It's still subtle though, so he's okay for now.

-Tubbo and Wilbur face off. When Tubbo pulls back bc he genuinely doesn't want to hurt anyone, Wilbur takes the chance and beats him.

-Tubbo, however, makes a deal. Let their nation stand on its own, and he'll give up the Resource Empire he started. Wilbur accepts, with the condition that they unify their alliance with a...marriage? So basically, political marriage between Wilbur's heir, Fundy, and Dream, the leader of the revolution.

-YEAH I WENT THERE THIS IS VALID

-They're strained at first, but Dream and Fundy slowly mend their relationship post-betrayal.

-Fast forward a few months later. The Nation doesn't really have a leader, as per the agreement, but it does have a representative. All decisions are made via majority votes, and that decision is voiced by the rep and sub-rep, Dream and Tubbo respectively. Tommy's just there to have a good time and causes chaos as per usual.

-Enter Technoblade. He's been called in by Wilbur to...ah. Dismantle a little...nation. Sounds right up his alley. But he asks Wilbur to wait and see what happens.

-Tommy and Dream get the idea to hold a tournament to celebrate their independence, an all out brawl for everyone to kick back and relieve stress. There. That's where Techno comes in.

-He gets Punz to join him after like, being paid (ofc) and they fucking dominate the tournament. Dream's about to congratulate them but Techno turns the fuck around and declares his right to rule the nation. If anyone wants to fight him for the title, they're welcome to try.

-Dream loses another life to Techno trying and failing to fight it. He and a few others lost their first life sometime elsewhere? I guess? Probably by being blown up by Wilbur, idk.

-Tubbo and Dream are chased out by people who reluctantly follow Techno's orders, and Tommy, torn between his friends and his brothers, stays behind. Oh jeezus.

-Since Techno is a fighting GOD, no one's able to usurp him to make things turn back to normal. But Dream is smart, and knows Wilbur's 100% behind this. Fundy kind of knew but didn't do shit about it, which is why Dream rejects Fundy's offer of sanctuary. He can't be sure his husband will stay on his side, after all. It's nothing personal.

-Dream and Tubbo hide away somewhere, probably not a ravine but?? A mountain or something? They manage to get Sam away enough to ask him to build a super cool Redstone contraption thing that opens for them. ooooo.

-I'm not good at names but for the sake of jokes I'm gonna call their land the 'Bee's Knees' bc at some point Tubbo finds a fuckton of Hives hanging from Trees. Bee Mountain if Dream's feeling especially salty.

-SPEAKING OF DREAM. his insanity is on course now, it's slowly eating away at him and in fear of hurting Tubbo he's slowly distancing himself away. Tubbo's like what's wrong but Dream can't answer -- he doesn't know what's wrong with himself either.

-Tubbo and Dream need to go back and confront Techno, but they can't wait for long else Techno's going to obliterate everyone and their extra lives. They call Schlatt in.

-Schlatt's a pure business man and draws up a contract. He'll aid them in terms of supplies, but most of the revolution is on them. They agree.

-Tommy is actually really fucking good at lying and skirting around what he reveals to Dream and tubbo as a spy that Techno would have believed him if he didnt' know his brother. and Wilbur's warnings, of course. That results in Techno just being fucking done with Tommy's bullshit and plans his execution in another tournament? I guess?

-It doesn't go like the festival. First of all, Schlatt can't fight for shit, so why would Techno call him up the stage? No, Schlatt fights dirty. techno doesn't set much rules so theres no rule against poisoning Tommy quick and easy before the fight. Tommy loses another life and is on his last. Tubbo is spitting mad, but Schlatt points out that nothing in the contract covered this, so he's free to do as necessary. Tubbo is stopped by Dream who, at this point, is just overtaken by the need to one-up Techno.

-Also, Wilbur's been slowly persuading Dream to just. Let go. Let the monster inside of him free, he 'deserves it'. By the end of it all, Dream does. He snaps and lets loose the monster crying for blood inside him.

-Callahan is left to convince his old friend not to do it. In a moment of clarity, Dream stares on in horror of what he'd done. In his rage he managed to deplete ALL of Techno's lives (not really but shhhh), cause massive bloodshed, and terrified everyone in the process. He asks Callahan to kill him. Callahan does.

-Yes we'll get to Ghost Dream eventually.

-Anyway, Schlatt still does the Wither plan, because, uh, Drunken Rage. He was so stressed out from the ensuing conflict that he's like "LETS JUST FINISH THE REST OF YOU. THERE WILL BE NO CONFLICT IF YOU ARENT THERE TO FIGHT."

-and then he uses the line from the Lego movie on Tubbo like "Oh, Tubbster. It's nothing personal. It's just Business(tm)".

-Schlatt still dies of stroke. He does come back as a ghost though, that's one main difference.

-After everything's said and done, and the dust has settled, everyone decides to disband the nation, and just live their lives. like, they're done, wilbur, they get your point, jfc, let them rest.

-but uhhhh someone frames tubbo for setting fire to ranboo's (the server sweetheart) house. wilbur immediately decides to exile tubbo in 'anger'. acutally, he wants tommy and tubbo separated.

-tommy's not standing for it though, he fucking fights his way until wilbur threatens him and tubbo's like YES FINE OKAY I'LL AGREE TO BEING EXILED STOP THREATENING YOUR BROTHER

-tubbo's exile arc is not as sad as tommy's, but rather very tense because wilbur keeps riling tubbo up and taunting him. he still keeps contact with tommy though because they arent going to be separated just like that. no way. tubbo just gets a little more mad and gets short tempered like a lot.

-ranboo's not even that mad about it, he knows tubbo would never burn his house, there was a conspiracy on board and even if there wasn't he's like "arent yall overreacting its just a house, didnt you all do this like before the first war even began, what even (also, ranboo was WITH tubbo at the time of his house allegedly being set on fire. Not that he'll admit to it, because he and tubbo made that agreement long before)

-eventually he finds out that wilbur just wanted to pin the blame on tubbo to make him leave, and ranboo's like "IM DONE WITH YOUR CRAP WILLBUR STOP HURTING THE PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT" and leaves

-with the nation gone, people started to solidify their groups. sapnap and karl deal with their own thing, quackity still runs errands for wilbur, george is the main person ferrying messages from tubbo to tommy back and forth, etc.

-there's a funeral for dream, ofc, fundy arranged it. all of dream's shit was hidden because fundy doesnt want wilbur to get it.

-niki's still there managing her bakeshop but doubles as an informant for wilbur because she's well liked within the server

-ghost dream is present and he's a chaotic troll who mostly hangs around tommy. he's really hyper active and is always on the move, you can never catch him sitting still for like, 5 minutes

THAT"S ALL I HAVE FOR MY SMP SWAP AU PLEASE BE GENTLE I DONT HAVE TIME TO GET ALL THE FACTS STRAIGHT FROM THE OG SMP qwq

[sunshinecrashed]

IF ONLY

minamoto teru x reader

@tokoyamis-luv​ requested: okay IDK if you do angst to fluff (i’m sorry if you don’t) but maybe reader hides that she can see supernaturals and she’s recently been dating teru. one day she’s waiting for him after school and he’s taking some time, so she’s goes and looks for him, only to find him attempting to exorcise hanako maybe? or a supernatural idk- (teru thinks it’s okay bc she supposedly can’t see supernaturals) BUT SHES SHOCKED AND HORRIFIED and is very sad you know? since he’s a sweetheart 1) SORRY

2) i forgot what part i was in whoops anyways so he notices she can see supernaturals and shes ofc very shocked and sad but he goes to her house and talks to her and apologizes and it ends up more light-hearted and cute and fluff (he’s also taken in consideration koi’s feeling towards exorcising) you DONT HAVE TO DO THIS REQUEST!! IM SORRY I ALREADY ASKED U ONE LIKE YESTERDAY OR SMTH (also if you can could this be a scenario? you are AMAZING at them) THANK U 🥺💓💓 

word count: ~1,400+

summary: you try and stop teru from exorcising hanako; but you haven’t told him that you can see supernaturals. 

warnings: slight angst with a happy ending, attempted exorcism of hanako

a/n: ok first i wanna say that zara (can i call u that?) u are SO KIND omg i don’t mind taking ur requests at all, i eat that shit up lmfao. and 2nd its like 1am lol im sorry if this turned out shitty ;-;

• ﹒•  °  ˚ ° ⋆ ✧ ✧ ✧ ⋆ ° ˚  ° •﹒ •

It’s not easy hiding the fact that you can see supernaturals from your boyfriend. 

Who is literally an exorcist. 

When you both started dating, you agreed that no secrets would be hidden between you two, but if Teru knew that you could see supernaturals... things would get complicated very quickly. 

Every time you passed the bathroom and saw Hanako in there while other people were around, you turned a blind eye. 

 Every time the Mokke try to give you a sweet from the classroom window sill, you averted your gaze.  

It pained you to ignore the supernaturals that you have seen all of your life, but you simply just couldn’t risk how Teru would react if he knew that you interacted with them. You were very aware about Teru’s opinions on ghosts and supernaturals, especially about Hanako-kun. 

Right now, you were walking with your boyfriend to your next class, chatting. 

“Are we still down for getting lunch after school?” you asked curiously. 

You could tell that he was already almost drooling at the thought of trying out the new cafe in town. “For sure. You know where to find me once school is out, right?” 

Poking him in the arm affectionately, you said, “Under the tree in front of the school. We meet there every day, dummy.” 

“I know, I know. I’ll meet you there as soon as I can, and then we can taste test their pastries.” He smiled at you. You let out a little ‘yess!’ as you linked pinkies with him. 

Standing on your tippy toes, you pressed a tiny kiss to his cheek. “I’ll be waiting! Go ace the test that you were talking about!” you cheered. 

Teru laughed and watched your form turn the corner, a fond look in his eyes. 

He made a mental note to be quick while he got rid of that pesky ghost Hanako. 

- - -

As you stood under the tree in front of the school, you worriedly glanced at your phone. 

‘He’s already fifteen minutes late.. that’s longer then last time.’ 

You pondered on whether or not you should send him a quick text, your finger hovering over the send button.

you: hey, everything alright? those pastries aren’t going to eat themselves 😳👀

Sent. 

‘Maybe he was just finishing up his test?’

 But that didn’t make sense to you either. Your boyfriend was a straight-A student, who somehow always turned in his assignments first while getting perfect scores almost every time. 

You couldn’t help the nagging feeling in the back of your mind, that... the supernaturals had something to do with his absence. 

With your mind made up, you hurriedly placed your phone back in your pocket and made your way back into the school. 

Peeking into all of his classes, you found that they were all empty, with the students and teachers having already packed their things up. The only exception was Tsuchigomori-sensei, who only quirked an eyebrow at you as you quickly stammered an apology for disturbing him. 

The only place left to go was.. the rooftop. 

As you climbed the stairs leading to the very top of the building, you could feel energy growing in the air, similar to electricity. 

‘Shit, he couldn’t be--!’ 

Your hand flew to the rooftop door handle, revealing the very scene that you had dreaded the most. 

“Teru!” You tried to yell over the crackling of lightning. But he couldn’t hear you with his back turned to you; all of his attention was on Hanako, who was currently speared to the ground by your boyfriend’s sword. 

Even from a distance, Hanako’s struggling screams still rang in your ears, shattering your heart. 

You couldn’t let him do this. You couldn’t let him harm a ghost just for being a ghost, who hasn’t caused any harm to the students. 

“You supernaturals are all the same. Even if you promise not to hurt anyone, who says that your rumors won’t change? What will you do when you finally end up killing another person? It’s my job to stop that from happening--”

Tears welled into your eyes as you ran forward, wrapping your arms around him from behind. 

“Teru, you need to stop this!” you begged. 

For a moment, the lightning stopped and Teru tensed up. 

“[Name]? What are you doing here?!” He whipped around to face you, shock written all over his face. 

His eyes darted from you to the supernatural he had pinned to the ground. “Wait. You can see him?” 

You looked away. “...We can talk about that later. But right now, can you please let go of him?”

“You know I can’t do that, [Name].” He said softly. “It’s for your own safety.”

Taking a deep breath to collect yourself, you said “Wait, Hanako hasn’t harmed anyone,” Teru opened his mouth to respond to that, but you continued. “Let’s talk about this somewhere else, and after that, you can decide if you still want to go through with exorcising him, okay?” 

Your boyfriend took one look at Hanako’s puppy-dog eyes that screamed “please?”, then back at you, and sighed. 

“Fine. But you have a lot of explaining to do, too.” 

“...I know.” you confessed. 

Teru took your hand and led you back to the doors to the stairs, before shooting Hanako one last cold glare, to which Hanako only closed his eyes and sighed with relief. 

You both went your separate ways once you exited the building, an unspoken feeling left hanging in the air.

- - -

Your day ended with a blur, and Teru still hadn’t contacted you all night. By the time morning rolled around, you were beginning to think that your relationship with him had ended before you heard the doorbell ring. 

It was still fairly early, and you were only dressed in a big t-shirt and some sleep shorts, but you answered the door nonetheless, only to find Teru standing there with a box in his hands.  

“Umm.. May I come in?” He asked hesitantly. 

You were (secretly) really happy to see him standing on your front porch, knowing that the tension between you guys could finally be settled. 

As you invited him in, he sat down on a stool at your counter while you stood on the other side, leaning on the kitchen cabinets. 

Teru nudged the box in your direction with his hand and looked away sheepishly with a blush on his face. “Here, I uh.. got these for you.” 

You curiously opened the box to find... 

“Pastries?” 

His blue eyes looked up to meet your gaze and he gave you a gentle smile. “Yeah, I remembered that we were supposed to go try the new cafe together yesterday, so I thought that you might want to share these since... things got in the way.” 

The corners of your lips quirked up as you took one of the pastries. “Thank you, Teru. That was really considerate of you.” 

“And I also hoped that we could talk about what happened yesterday..” He trailed off. 

You sighed, taking a bite of the pastry before beginning. “Yeah, I’ll start. I’ve been able to see supernaturals since the beginning. I didn’t tell you because, well.. I knew what you thought of them, and I didn’t want to put anything at risk.”

Continuing, you said, “I know that you come from a long line of exorcists, and I really didn’t want to interfere with your work, but some of the supernaturals, like Hanako, haven’t done anything to harm anyone. He’s even protected your little brother and Nene when they’ve been in trouble.” 

Teru also took one of the pastries and munched on it, absorbing your words.

He noted, “Before I came here to talk to you, I also had a small conversation with my brother about that. Kou insisted that he would keep Hanako in check, as long as he didn’t hurt any of the students. And if it came down to that, then he agreed to exorcise him.”

He took a deep breath. “What I’m trying to say is that I’m giving both Kou and Hanako a chance to prove that Hanako is a safe supernatural. And if they fail, well.. then I’ll take care of it.” 

“Teru,” You began with a smile tugging at your lips. “You don’t know how much I appreciate you doing that for us. I’m sorry for interfering in the first place.” 

He gave you that familiar warm smile that made your heart skip a beat. “And I’m sorry too. From now on, no more secrets, okay?” Teru questioned. 

“Definitely. No more secrets.” 

 Your boyfriend held his arms open for you and you rolled your eyes affectionately before letting yourself be held by him, both of you humming in satisfaction. 

“Wanna go grab some breakfast in town to make up for yesterday?” He asked you, his voice slightly muffled. 

“...is that even a question?”

[imaginethathaikyuu]

How did I find your blog? I was looking for soft Kuroo content on google. And your soft birthday hc’s for him came up. And that’s also how I found tumblr

What was the first story of yours that I read? That Kuroo piece ^

Roughly, how long have I been following this blog? Well I found that piece shortly after it was posted so…. Around the beginning of December 2019 I think. Got a tumblr a few months later and you were the first person I followed (had you in my bookmarks bar before that! (still have you in my bookmarks bar and when I share my screen in classes there are occasionally questions. I ignore them))

What’s something I’ve noticed about you personality wise? You’re really clever and funny. But you’re also sweet. But because you’re clever you have no hesitation in setting up and enforcing your boundaries, and I really admire that strength and confidence.

Have we ever interacted, either by PM, ask, or in the comments? What was my perception of you? YES!!! PM, SOOOOO many asks, comments, and you sent me an ask. And reblogged it. And I cried. A lot. My perception: you’re lovely and I want to h*ld your h*nd ….please.

What’s my favorite story of yours? Oh how to choose. Firstly, I’m a nb, biracial, bisexual. Honey, I’ve never made a choice in my life. But let’s try here. Anything you’ve written for Tsukki. Literally all of it is gold. Fight me. I was going to write “especially [piece title]” but I LITERALLY CANNOT CHOOSE ONE. Your Bokuto nightmare piece. Your Kuroo angsty fight. Your Tendou dealing with S/O with parents who yell piece. Your Kinktobers. Your Futakuchi and Mattsun pieces. And your Terushima pieces. Ugh. I CANNOT CHOOSE. OH AND YOUR STREAMER KENMA!!!!!! OKay just… all of it. I can’t choose. I tried, and I failed, and I’m willing to admit failure.

What’s a story I’d love to see you write? I don’t want to say this… because it hurts me… but I just KNOW you’d write brilliant angst. Some of my fav pieces of yours are pained beginnings with happy endings. That fight with Tsukki after a bad day at work. The pieces I mentioned above (nightmare pieces and fighting pieces and angsty home life ha.. ha.ha.ha.). That Oikawa one where the reader wakes up in bed without him and thinks he left. You write these gorgeous atmospheres and descriptive, visceral feelings, and if you chose to use it for evil…. You could get evil shit done. You’re SO powerful. So I want to read it… but also…. I don’t. I’d love to see you write ABO like you mentioned a while back or just see you explore a cutesy soulmate AU or something. I think you’d be really good at writing an AU where you hear what the other person’s listening too. I feel like you’d be so good at making me feel something for someone who was in another city. (think this would be cute with Tsukki cos he’s headphones boy, OR terushima because I like the dynamic of someone flirty, who clearly cares about looks, falling for someone he can’t see) ANYWAY….

Favorite pairing you write for?/fav reader insert? Tsukishima x reader. It’s my fav self-ship. (but also Mattsun, Bokuto, Oikawa, Tanaka, and Akaashi because you write them SO WELL!!!!)

Have any of your stories helped me through a hard time? Of course. Your self-harm piece came at a time I needed it. Iwaizumi’s in particular saved my life. But also your Tendou dealing with S/O parents who fight… came right when I needed it. Also starting college… was hard.. And reading and rereading your fluff really pulled me through it.

Have any of your stories hit closer to home? YES (see above).

Do I genuinely like your blog, it’s aesthetic or posts? It’s overall feel? It’s content? Yes. The aesthetic is, ngl, a wee bit basic. But I kinda love that. And the feel? It feels like home. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Your blog is my safe space. So, yes, I love. It’s content? YES. OF COURSE. Your personality probably could have kept me here even if your content was kinda shit, but I follow you RELIGIOUSLY because of your content. So yes. I adore.

Is English my first language? Kinda??? I grew up in a trilingual household so I kinda learned three languages at the same time while growing up. But no, I don’t need to translate it in my head. Because English was one of the three.

Anything I want to share? Yes. Please keep being kind to yourself, caring for your mental health, enforcing your boundaries, loving Akaashi, and just generally being you. You’re so lovely as you are, and I hope you continue grow, but never change. Also I’m sorry about all your work stuff…. It literally makes me feel sick. And I hope you find a job where that’s not tolerated, or that your work finds a better way of protecting it’s employees. I know you know this, but none of it is your fault. I just hope things improve. AND I love you… a lot. And I’m so proud of you hitting 9K and you deserve so many more followers because your pieces are just... GORGEOUS. I can’t wait until I’m at Barnes and Noble in a few years and I can pick up a hardback copy of your debut novel. I’m so excited to say “I knew Em Akaashi (which is your legal name as far as I’m concerned) before she was so popular among the masses.”

so ive been trying to figure out the correct and worthy way to reply to this ask since the moment i got it......because its so fucking sweet and kind and amazing and pure and perfect and i just dont know how to use WORDS to explain the way it makes me feel so.......i will just reply in bullet points in regards to every question u answered to make it a lil easier :D

- the fact that u found my blog on google ....... like this may be odd and a very specific thing but before i made this blog i always hoped that 1 day my fanfic would pop up in google searches bc thats ALWAYS how i found fics when i was reading them religiously and i felt so much ENVY!!!!! LIKE I WANTED TO BE THERE I WANTED MY FICS TO B POPULAR ENOUGH TO POP UP ON GOOGLE.....that may sound very selfish but its true......so thats just very cool to me... :]

- u’ve been here for so long omg 🥺🥺🥺🥺 if anyone in ur classes ever asks jus promo my blog like its nbd 

- thats so sweet what 🥺🥺🥺 i try my best to advocate for myself and be confident for myself.....ive spent far too much of my time being silently uncomfortable because i was afraid of pushing someone’s buttons seeming rude.....but NO MORE!!!! i know what upsets me, i know my triggers, i know what i dislike experiencing, and im never gonna let myself be anxious or uncomfortable for someone else’s sake, esp if theyre being rude 2 me. i would say its less strength and confidence and moreso me attempting to take control of my anxiety in the places i can (aka on the Internet) bc i am SICK OF ANXIETY ATTACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

- BBY no dont CRY!!!! im racking my brain trying to think of who u are i wanna know so bad so i can thank u personally for being the kindest person in the world n so i can send u more asks >:(........MY HAND IS URS TO HOLD!!!!! dont tell akaashi tho 

- OMG my TSUKKI pieces.....hes so hard to write why ;-; thank u so much im so glad u enjoy my works<3333

- NOT ANGST NOT LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!! pained beginnings to happy endings are my specialty.....IMAGINE me writing a sad ending like i CANT!!!!!!!!! ive only done it a few times and it is so Difficult.....YALL ARE SO LUCKY IM NOT EVIL!!!!!! ive had this idea for an angsty akaashi fic that i think about and write in my head every night before falling asleep and it Hurts and i wanna write it but i also can’t make myself :D ABO would be very fun but i genuinely do not know how to explore the concept while making it feel like it’s Written By Me.....u know what i mean? same with soulmate aus, i really dislike writing them because theyre just boring to me like they all feel the same everything’s been done for them.....which is FINE!!! but i write enough cliche stuff as it is HAHA, a long distance type soulmate au could be fun and interesting but ldr’s trigger me bc of a past relationship so </3 but hey maybe someone else could use the idea!!!!!

- gotta love tsukishima <3

- im rlly glad my writing could be there for you friend, one of the biggest reasons i write fanfic (and write the kind of fics i write) is bc i know firsthand how much reading sweet stories abt ur comfort characters can help u through the shittiest times - i just wanna offer ppl some support and happy feelings and love cuz sometimes fanfic is the only time we can find those things (and theres nothing shameful abt that either if anyone bullies u for reading fanfic i will fight them)

- I KNOW MY LAYOUT IS LAZY AND BASIC AS FUCK AND THAT IS BECAUSE I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT LMAOOOO so im glad u think its ok...... like i dont have the patience to create a fancy ass layout that actually works are u KIDDING ME??????? I COULD LITERALLY NEVER plus i kinda like that its just the basic kinda ugly boring default layout like it makes it simple and easy and i feel like it brings focus to the only thing on this blog that i care about which is my writing, i rlly only care about the content here and not aesthetics jdbljdabsdk that blue background will be there til i Die......i adore u more btw 

- WHOA trilingual what the hell ur so cool tell me more 

- you have my word, friend, that i will continue to do all of that so long as you do the same. take care of yourself, be kind to yourself - i know u can do it, ur so kind to others and u deserve to be kind to urself, too so this is the part that genuinely brought me to tears because *sappy dumb shit ahead* ok look ever since i can remember the one and only thing ive wanted to do with my life is become an author ...... dreams of book covers with my name written on them and words in pages written by me and fanart of my characters and going into my local bookstore n seeing my book there....these thoughts all haunt my fucking brain because i want it SO BAD!!!!!!!! so bad that it makes me CRY!!!!!!!! ive never wanted something more and just!!!!!!!!!!!! idk how much u meant that part but holy fuck!!!!!! i hope so bad that one day i can send u a free copy of my book as a thank u for being the person u are. u have all my love friend, every last bit of it <333333333

[pidgezero-one]

dont message me about this please. I just need somewhere to dump it

I had a falling out with my best friend at the end of july and he completely cut off contact with me. i trusted him more than anybody in the world and there are no words to describe how much his friendship meant to me. the way this happened destroyed my sense of self-worth and I isolated myself from people and tried to fill that empty void with drinking and shitty eating habits (namely starving myself followed by binge eating). fell into a pretty bad depression and was constantly lethargic and unproductive. hated going out in public because I hated myself and didnt want to be seen.

suffered a death in the family at the end of august. this isnt something I cope with in a healthy way. especially during that period of time

started talking with my friend again in september but that didnt go very well either. still felt shitty about this every day, just having this constant nervousness and wanting to throw up and feeling like im carrying a huge weight on my shoulders, every day 24 hours a day. i had dreams about our situation all the time and it fucked me up. cant remember the last time I got a good nights sleep. developed a lot of trust issues from revelations that came out in the few discussions we had. we havent spoken in almost 2 months now. still really miss him but also still hurting over the things he said and did

2 weeks later, boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me when I got back from dreamhack. it wasnt really a surprise and there's no bad blood but was still a really hard adjustment. we had lived together since before we started dating.

we were splitting rent on a 1 bed apartment so now I have to pay for it myself. i dont really have the means to move. this fucked me over financially bc I was in the process of paying about 8000 dollars worth of debt accrued from when I was unemployed in 2014. so that's why none of you have really seen me since then, im saving money instead of going out to do things. this is also around when I decided to cut the drinking to prevent it from getting out of hand and decided to fix my eating habits, both of which are saving me money

met someone new in november who I got close to pretty quickly. he knew I was hurting from something, a lot of things, and helped me recover and was somehow over time able to convince me i didnt deserve any of what was going on. i started to believe it too. we spent a lot of time together and became very good friends.

around the same time i saw another friend have a falling out with his best friend and the way it got him down made me really angry. he didnt deserve to feel that poorly. this helped me realize that neither did i.

start of december, i fell mutually in love with the new friend. although it was just the beginning of the relationship, it was unprecedented in how genuinely loved I felt. we were supportive of each other in ways I didnt even know I could be. never enjoyed someone's company so much before or felt so totally safe telling them literally anything, and after I was having so much trouble and anxiety over opening up to anybody like that again, this was really really special that he could make me feel that way. especially considering the vulnerable state I was in, I tried to be cautious about getting this attached so quickly, but I decided to trust him. you kinda had to be there to understand just why I let myself feel this way despite it looking like a textbook mistake and me being well aware of that fact. he was thoughtful and respectful and considerate and was the most loving person i've ever known. we live a long distance apart and decided we'd take things slowly until we had the chance to spend some time together in person and discuss what our future looks like at that time. we spent a lot of time together calling each other around the holidays and never let a day (or an hour, really) go by without making the other feel loved and appreciated and worthwhile. for a christmas gift he contacted a lot of my friends and compiled a series of video and audio clips from all of them sending me kind words at the holidays to remind me that i'm loved. he really was a wonderful person.

being able to really believe that I didnt deserve to feel as badly as I had been since the summer, combined with falling in love again... I was finally something resembling happy again, I got my confidence back, I was energetic and productive and in an improved state of mind... not completely, things still hurt and I think they always will. but I was at least functioning. the wounds were still there and they were still fresh but I was at least starting to heal.

had to replace my pc because too much of my hardware was just not working anymore. that was a big financial setback I wasnt prepared for. my laptop mobo also broke so now I dont have one of those anymore. oh well. once im done paying off the last part of my debt im going to save up for a new one

start of january, one of my closest friends goes radio silent and unresponsive to texts and calls for over a week. i was a fucking mess worrying about him. (we hung out a few days ago but at the time holy shit)

my coworker at my job (the only other dev on my team) is leaving, so I have to learn a ton of new stuff and also train who we hire next, and im pretty stressed out about that on top of the status of my current major project

i didnt go to agdq this year, but that entire week was rough. wanted to stay off social media and stuff to not be reminded of it but this is where all my connections are and I need to work on shit. I spent a lot of last agdq making good memories with the friend i had the falling out with and thinking back to that just makes me really sad now.

was finally starting to enjoy streaming again and I injured my hand recently and cant use it to use a dpad or joystick, so now im not doing that either. it got infected pretty badly and ive been worried about that for a while, but it's healing up now. hopefully ill return soon. also having numerous other alarming things happen healthwise that are too TMI for here but... yeah

last week the guy i loved dumped me. not going to go into detail on this but i feel very very slighted by how he chose to do it. it had only been a month but im pretty messed up and blindsided by it. despite the short length I can't remember the last time I had any kind of interpersonal relationship that was so emotionally fulfilling. i still don't really understand. being around him hurt so much that I left my favourite discord server where a lot of my close friends are cause he's in there too. i miss being in there so much but i just cant do it

on saturday I got the news that one of my friends from the smash 64 community passed away unexpectedly. i went to the visitation on sunday. it still doesn't feel real.

i dont want to talk about it, I dont want any offers to talk about it, I dont want to relive it, I dont want to think about it, and especially especially I d o n t w a n t t o t a l k a b o u t i t. just getting it out there bc I feel kinda overwhelmed atm from everything. i just wanna focus on doing the things I need to get done to keep my mind occupied. i want my best friend back, i want the person I love back, i want my friend to come back to life. there's nothing else that can be done for me

[water1oo]

super long post i sorry

this has honestly been the best week ever and i am so happy.

my boyfriend has been over the moon happy that i came here for his birthday and he’s also beyond happy because i’ve been able to hang out with his friends and family more and all of them approve hardcore of me and love me.

and it’s not just talk because one of his friends is super cynical and always finds at least one thing to hate a person for and i’ve seen this happen but she’s never said a thing about me so !!!!! 

all his friends are very blunt people and they all love me. like they’ve gone out of their way to make me feel welcome. yesterday i was wondering alone a bit because i was getting anxious and his friend found me and he was like “hey you come on over here and hang out with us” and he let me third wheel him and his boyfriend while i was able to calm down a bit to go back to the main party. 

when we were bowling they would cheer for me and actually pay attention to my plays which was nice bc a lot of people went ignored 

they repeatedly were telling me “take the mic we love you and you’re in safe space” when we were doing karaoke 

at the end of the night yesterday another one of his friends was actually asking me for advice about his love life so and my boyfriend told me if he doesnt like you he will just be curt and ignore you politely but he actually kept bringing me into the conversation about his woes and actually cared a lot about my input on the issues so holy fuck that was lit?

at the end of the night yesterday all his friends asked to add me on snapchat which made me :00000 and today two of his friends are actually snapping me and talking to me 

OH AND YESTERDAY HIS FRIENDS LITERALLY SAID I WAS NOW A PART OF THEIR GROUP LIKE BRUH. I WASNT JUST AN HONORARY GUEST THEY SAID I WAS A PART OF THE GROUUUUP 

oh and his mom??? she fucking adores me. and let me be real with you, his mother is kind of a total bitch and doesn’t care about hurting people’s feelings so her liking me is WILD. she actually let me stay alone at her house while my boyfriend was at work bc she actually trusts me. she’s been nothing but the sweetest person to me 

today i told her i could go out while he was working and she said “oh no dear, we actually really like you and want you to feel at home here” and he said that without my boyfriend being around. she said “i really appreciate how you’ve taken care of my son these past few days too and” blah blah blah i’ve won the mom over and i was scared she might hate me especially after a week of having me here. 

and last night after celebrating his birthday with friends we had a good heart to heart and he was telling me how much he loved me (he was sober too so even more meaningful haha) and how he’s never been this happy before with anybody, that never in a relationship has everyone he cares about approved so completely of the person he’s dating. then a lot of other very sappy stuff was said and done that i won’t bore you with here but those things he said made me fall in love with him even more. it was romantic AF 

i don’t think i mentioned this before, but since i’ve a lot of access to his friends this past week i’ve gotten to see just HOW MUCH HE TALKS ABOUT ME TO THEM. his friends knew my zodiac sign and know what sort of things i’m sensitive about, they said this one thing and immediately apologized to me and said “i’m so sorry chris told me you don’t like that sort of talk” and changed the topic and all these other things. a lot of times i’d walk away and while i was coming back i could hear him telling his friends how much he loved like i’m so shook 

and this is isn’t related to my boyfriend, but i got to hang out with these two other friends this week and it was so nice and fun because making new friends is literally the best thing ever and it’s always been hard for me but i’m doing it!! i’m making friends and becoming closer to people!!! 

BISH IM IN SO LOOOOOVE WITH THIS GUY. IM SO HAPPY. AND IM SO SAD I’M LEAVING TOMORROW BECAUSE THIS WEEK HAS BEEN SO MUCH FUN. i dont wanna go back to being long distanced because i have had so much fun with him, i wish i could be up here for the entire summer.

there’s so many other things i wanna say but i don’t want to bore everyone with the 5 trillion details.  

[saintkimora]

ok, here is a full account of what happened yesterday and the new events from today. caleb if you are seeing this please respect my privacy and stop reading now 

ok so it started the other day. caleb texted me at night saying he wanted to talk to me about something serious the next day. i asked what it was about and he said he just wanted to be friends but i didnt read too much into it bc he is impulsive so i figured he would come to his senses the next day

so then yesterday happened. i had just gotten out of sociology at like 10:40am and i saw that he had texted me all these things about breaking up. then when i got to my car he called me on the phone. he then proceeded to break up with me over the phone. his reasoning was that since hes prob moving in a few weeks, he wanted to stop being boyfriends now that way when he does leave itll hurt less than it would, so like easing himself out of the relationship basically. i think its a stupid idea 

so these are the issues i had. the first was that he broke up with me over the phone, not even in person. and like i was crying over the phone and his tone was just like very cold and detached and business like and that really hurt me bc he obv knew i was crying but i didnt feel any sympathy from him whatsoever. like if he was crying i would obv be comforting him and trying to make him feel better not talking like a robot. another thing that hurt was that he gave up on the long distance relationship before we could even try it. it made me feel like i was so worthless and unimportant that he didnt even feel like putting forth the effort to make our relationship work. and the fact that he did this all over a 10 minute phone call on his way to the gym. and then like 20 min after he had the NERVE to post a video on his snap story of him at the gym saying “feeling so good *blushing smile emoji*” like that really hurt my feelings and when i told him that later he was like “oh stop making everything about you it was just how i was feeling after working out” but like? i know he obv wasnt saying that he felt so good about breaking up. but what bothered me was that like after he broke up w me, i was a mess i was literally crying all day and i couldnt do anything but cry i was so upset. and then here he is just going on with his day like its another normal tuesday. like the fact that he was capable of being so happy not even a few hours after breaking my heart made me feel like i was nothing, like it was just an errand like “oh im gonna break up with perry then go to the gym lol” and the fact that he did it over the phone just made me feel so insignificant like i was nothing to him and that really hurt. and like ive tried to be the best boyfriend i can be for him and i try to do everything he asks of me so for him to just break up with me in such a dismissive way makes it feel like he doesnt even care

so i was crying in my car, like really bad like i was BAWLING. so i went to the student counseling center and asked for a crisis meeting and i got set up w this counselor named josh. he was nice and tried to help me calm down and focus on orgo. it was nice to have someone to talk to i guess

so then i went home. he called me again to like try to explain himself but only made me feel worse. he was like “you know when i move im not gonna be able to see you everyday and cuddle with you and fall asleep on your chest anymore” and that just made me sadder and i was crying again on the phone. then later we were texting and he was like denying breaking up with me. like, you said you wanted to just be friends and you explicitly said that you didnt want to be boyfriends anymore so how is that not breaking up??? and he said “i was trying to have a conversation with you but all you did was cry.” with the period to show how serious he was. and it really hurt me when he said that bc it felt like he was mad at me and using me crying against me, like i somehow did something wrong by crying. again if he was the one crying i would not be holding it against him like that so i really wish he didnt say that bc it made me feel bad for being emotional which should not be something to feel bad about. and at the end of the call he didnt say i love you like he always does so that hurt my feelings as well

and like i took away the hearts from his contact name and changed my phone backgrounds since they were pictures of him and that just made me really sad

i skipped psych and anatomy lecture but i couldnt skip my anatomy practical. i cried when i was backing up my car to leave bc i saw the “hi <3″ that he wrote in the dirt on my back windshield a while ago and it just set me off. so i got to school and i was planning on having this be the dropped grade so i wasnt like worried but i got a 90 anyways so that was nice. the prof was like “perry whats wrong you look depressed” and i was like im just a little sad today and he was like why and i was like “bc my significant other broke up w me” (i used s/o bc idk how my prof is about those things so i didnt wanna say bf). he told me this story about how in his senior year of college he had such bad mono it was misdiagnosed as hodgkins disease so he was given 18 months to live and his gf of 4 years left him after finding out. so he told me “perry, girls are like a bus. if you miss one, another one will come along in 15 minutes. if i had daughters i would tell them the same thing about guys” so that was nice that he tried to cheer me up. then when i was leaving from the other room (bc we leave our stuff in the other room during the practical) the TA came to me from the main room and wished me luck on my finals so that was nice of him 

so then i went home. then at 10pm i met w caleb in person in his car. we talked and at first he would not let me get a word in and he just kept defending himself and what also upset me was that he thought the reason i was so upset was that he was moving and he was so defensive like “i wish i could stay here but i have no choice i cant afford to live here its too expensive” and like that is not what upset me!!! i already knew he was moving ive had time to accept it what upset me was how he broke up w me for no reason w almost no warning and did it in such a cold way. and like the way i see it is since hes leaving instead of easing ourselves out of the relationship to stop us from getting hurt when he actually leaves (which wont happen bc itll hurt regardless), i figured we should make the most of our time together and enjoy each other as much as possible since we’ll have plenty of time to get over each other AFTER he moves. so when i told him my point of view he was like “i wish i thought of it like that, im really bad at this” so that was how i resolved the issue. he was hesitant about keeping the bf label but i told im i really wanted to and i didnt see a point in taking away the label now anyways. i also told him i at least wanted to try long distance instead of giving up before it even happens. i dont remember what he said to it though lol i was too emotional. but yeah the beginning of the convo just felt like he was berating me and i started to cry again bc i dont like it when hes rude to me like that

then he told me that im so sensitive i could see a squirrel in the road and cry and i had to explain to him that i am not a sensitive and emotional person! im normally v reserved w my emotions like ive only cried maybe 3 times the past 8 years and that im just emotional when it comes to him bc i care about him so much

another thing that bothered me was that he said every relationship teaches a lesson, and from ours he learned not to rush into things. i dont get that bc yes we did rush but that wasnt really a bad thing? like he wouldve moved regardless so taking things slow wouldnt have changed that. and like since we rushed into things it will hurt more when he leaves since we are closer than we would be if we took it slow but also like, if we didnt rush we wouldnt have gotten so close and had so much fun together in the first place. so imo the benefits of getting so close so fast vastly outweighed the pain of him leaving

so everything would be great except for this next part. he told me the easing out of the relationship thing was bc he got the advice to do that from his mom and leeann. so when i got home i made a post calling leeann toxic and his mom stupid for interfering in our relationship. and like yall can tell that obv i was kidding and just exaggerating for humorous effect like i dont really think his mom is stupid or that leeann was toxic, just that their advice in the situation was bad. but caleb texted me this morning being so rude calling me disgustingly disrespectful for saying that and he said that “next time you think about doing this remember how it felt when i dumped you (so he admitted that he did dump me) - and get those tissues ready” (since ive been using a lot of tissues since i was crying so much). that really really hurt my feelings bc 1. he is once again using me crying against me and 2. it shows a total lack of sympathy for me crying, like it felt like hell yesterday i was so upset and he knows that so for him to threaten to put me through that again just shows he doesnt really care about me or my feelings. 

he also said i need to stop using him and leeann and his mom as “characters in your online stories” like...these arent online stories? this blog is where i vent and talk about my feelings since i dont have anyone to do that with irl and i need to get them out somewhere im not writing these posts to be mean it just feels good to put my thoughts into words instead of bottling them up and even my therapist thinks its a good thing for me to do  

so he said that but i was NOT having it. i typed up a long text in response and even i admit it was kinda mean. like in his he said “dont even talk to me for the rest of the day” so at the end of my text i said “dont talk to me ever i am perfectly fine w never talking to you again the rest of my life so bye have fun in new hampshire or whatever” and he was like “perry stop you dont mean that last part” and then he called me and once again got defensive he said he was just trying to have a convo w me and i was being aggressive for no reason. like, no??? a convo would have been texting me like “perry i know its your personal blog where you post your feelings but this post upset me and this is why” not coming at me with 4 super rude texts out of nowhere. so he was trying to play the victim and paint me as irrational and that im overreacting just like he did yesterday and i didnt like it! he was just dismissing my feelings again. so i went OFF in this phone call like wow i really snapped and it felt good tbh

like i think he was just expecting me to sit there and take it and apologize like i usually do when he gets like this but i am done doing that! so i think he was caught off guard that i stood up for myself. i was like caleb i really dont care i have the most important orgo test of the semester today you already took yesterday from me but today i am not entertaining it if you have an issue call me after my test” and i ended the convo and hung up and then he texted me “good luck on your test” like ok hi king of passive aggressiveness 

so thats it. i felt good at first but later on i felt bad so i texted him apologizing for snapping at him but i said i wont discuss the tumblr issue until we are in person. i asked if he was free tonight and he said no he wants a day or two to be separate and normally i would understand but like...hes moving in a few weeks i really dont want to waste time fighting and being in this weird place

not to be out of order but another thing that got on my nerves was when we made up last night. he said “once i move youll have more free time for things like school, work, maybe going to the gym” like once again here he is commenting on my appearance! like yes i know im scrawny and i wish i wasnt but im sick of him taking jabs at my looks like my body, acne, and eyebrows when i literally have NOTHING but nice things to say about how he looks. it makes me feel bad when he points out my flaws like that and a good boyfriend is not supposed to make me feel like that

now for the most recent development. leeann sent me this LONG fb message bc caleb told her what i posted about her. like why does he have to expose me like that! i didnt read the message i was like “yeah im not reading this but just so you know i was kidding i wasnt serious i was exaggerating lol” and she was like ok lol 

i just dont know why she thinks i care about her input on MY relationship? like youre calebs friend not mine to be frank i dont give a fuck what you think about whats best for my relationship like you dont know me so mind your business

and thats another thing. in the past caleb has gotten pissed at me for sharing our business too much (by telling my friends (who he will literally never meet since they all went away for school) and by posting on here) yet here he goes telling leeann everything! seems hypocritical to me

and heres a second thing. i have always told caleb that my blog is my personal space where i can safely vent and talk about my feelings and that he should respect my privacy by not reading my personal posts. and ive told him that if he does wanna read them then hes doing so at his own risk bc im not going to filter myself bc this is MY space not his so if he really wants to overstep his boundaries and look at my posts then he cant get mad at me for them bc HE is the one choosing to read them even after my warning! so i dont think he should be getting mad at me especially when i was in such an extreme state of mind yesterday since he put me through the worst day of my life for no reason which literally couldve been 100% avoided if he had just waited to talk to me in person instead of breaking up w me over the phone. and like now i feel like this isnt even a space place for me to express myself anymore since theres a chance of him seeing. and i tried blocking him before but he made a new blog and wont tell me the url so i cant block him smh

so yeah thats everything that happened. im kinda stressed rn w this whole leeann drama even though he shouldnt have been reading my posts in the first place. like its just so much drama and i dont like how it feels and idk why this relationship turned sour so fast and i wish he would just be nice and sweet to me again. so hopefully things get better 

[such-a-common-girl]

WALKING DEAD MASTERLIST

Will be updated regularly!

*= Smut

Series/Two+ parts:

“Feelings” Rick Grimes x Reader- You grew up with Rick as a child, and are in his group now during the apocalypse. Once you settle in Alexandria, feelings for him arise. one  two  * 

“Innocence” Rick Grimes x Reader- Can you do a Rick x reader smut? Like you’re one of Carl’s friends but you’re a few years older than him, maybe 18 or 19. You’re waiting for Carl to get home from Enid’s so you’re just chilling at his house. But you’re like super frustrated because you’re a virgin and Rick asks what’s wrong and you won’t tell him but he convinces you bc he cares about you and it leads to smut one two three *

“And Then She Ran” Daryl Dixon x Daughter Reader-  After you, Daryl’s daughter, dies, he finds your diary and learns more about you than he wanted. one two three   

“Worries” Daryl Dixon x Reader-  You are 19 and dating Daryl, and he is insecure about the age difference. one two 

“Family” Norman Reedus x Daughter Reader- You find out that Norman is your father. one two 

“Scandalous Love” Negan x Reader-  In this tumultuous story, the drama begins when Negan threatens to kill your boyfriend, and group leader, Rick Grimes if you don’t join him in the Sanctuary as his wife. Over the time you spend as Negan’s wife, feelings arise, making everything a bit more complicated. one  two DISCONTINUED

Carl Grimes One Shots:

“Moments” - You and Carl get caught doing some things.*

“Home” -  In a world where Carl was the victim of Negan’s killings, reader recalls her relationship with Carl throughout the years with a series of flashbacks, leading up to her current day predicament.

“The One” - Carl’s version of “Home”, but in this version, the reader dies in the line up instead of him.

“The Secret That’s Worth It” -  You’re Negan’s teenage daughter and from the minute you saw Carl, he sparked your interest, leading to a relationship between you two.

“Traditions” -   When you and Carl sneak out of Alexandria to “explore”,  you find more than you bargained for in an abandoned house. 

“Swimming” -    You and Carl come across a river while exploring and decide to go swimming.

“The Art of Being Brave” -  You and Carl have always had feelings for each other. These feelings have been left unsolved, until one night when the tension begins to be too much. *

“A New Beginning” -  You’re a girl around Carl’s age who happens to embrace the apocalypse- in your mind, nothing can bring you down. Whenever Rick finds you in the woods and takes you back with him to Alexandria, everyone is fascinated by your vulgar, outgoing, friendly attitude including Carl. Yours and Carl’s relationship blossoms, going from just friends to possibly something more.

“Thunderstorms and Log Cabins” You and Carl get trapped in a thunderstorm, which leads to some confessions once you find shelter. *

“Hickeys” - You have to try and hide hickeys that Carl gave you.

Rick Grimes/Andrew Lincoln One Shots:

“Addiction”-  Daryl and Rick find out that reader has a drug problem, leading to a heart to heart between the three.

“Teasing”  Andrew Lincoln x Reader- You are part of the walking dead cast and go to your first comic con.

“Surprises” - Rick takes you out on your first date.

“Unrequited Love” - After Lori dies, Rick leans to you for comfort and to help him move on- which is a problem for you, because you’re in love with him.

“My Savior” -  A one shot where Rick saves the reader after she stops breathing and smut ensues. *

“What if Someone Sees?” - My entry for Jessie’s 1k follower writing challenge. *

Daryl Dixon/Norman Reedus One Shots:

“Addiction” -  Daryl and Rick find out that reader has a drug problem, leading to a heart to heart between the three. 

“The Pain of Living” - Daryl helps you overcome addiction to opioids.

“Take Care” -  You are pregnant and Daryl worries about you. 

“We Hurt the Ones We Love” - When Daryl leaves with Merle at the prison, you are heartbroken and end up making a huge mistake that bites you in the ass when Daryl returns.

“All of You” - You’re plus sized and you’re pushing Daryl away because you don’t think you are good enough.

“Care For You” -  You’re a quiet, observant person who doesn’t talk much, a lot like Daryl, which made you take a liking to him from the beginning. You’ve never actually held a conversation with anyone, so when you defend Daryl one day by yelling at Shane, the entire group is surprised.

“Dont Shy Away”-  You’re Rick’s daughter, who happens to be crushing on Daryl Dixon. Will your shyness get in the way of a potential relationship? *

“Perfect to Me” -  You’ve always been insecure about your weight, as you’ve always been slightly chubby. This has prevented you from telling Daryl Dixon how you feel about him, since you think he could never have feelings for you back, but you’re proven otherwise one day when Daryl overhears someone talking bad about your weight and he punches them in the face.

“Wanna Bet?” - Daryl and you make a bet that you can’t shoot his crosssbow. He thinks you can’t, you think you can.

“Stubborn Love” -  Based off the song “Stubborn Love” by The Lumineers.

“What Dad Doesn’t Know Won’t Hurt Him” - You’re Rick’s daugher and you and Daryl get caught about to have sex. *

Negan One Shots:

“The Secret That’s Worth It” -  You’re Negan’s teenage daughter and from the minute you saw Carl, he sparked your interest, leading to a relationship between you two.

“The Language of Love” -  Can I request a Negan one? Where the reader grew up in France but moved to the US when she was young, but kept her French accent/French as her first language. And she gets taken as prisoner by Negan, but he treats her really well because he’s attracted to her. But one day he just pisses the reader off and she starts to cuss him out in French, and it turns Negan on a lot. And it leads to smut?

“Be Mine” - You and Negan are always flirting but it never goes past that, until one night you two sleep together. You find out later that you are pregnant, and you run away bc you’re afraid Negan will reject the baby.

“Forget” - You find Negan on the side of the road, suffering temporary memory loss. You fall in love with him but you’re terrified he wont return the feelings when his memory comes back.

Glenn/Maggie One Shots: 

“We’re Family”-  Could you do one where like the reader has been with the group since like Atlanta and she looks at Glenn and Maggie like parents and one day when all three of them are on a hunt she actually addresses one or both as ‘mom and/or ‘dad’ and is totally embarrassed but Glenn and Maggie both look like the happiest couple ever, saying that they looked at her like their own kid for a long time?

“The Aftermath of Being Gone”-  The reader is like a daughter to Glenn & Maggie but after the prison the reader got separated from everyone in the group and is on their own for 2 years. While on a supply run for Alexandria the couple find an abandoned camp with a bloodied photo of themselves & the reader & a journal detailing what happen over the years and how she views them as her parents. With evidence showing that the reader may have gotten away the set out to find her. After weeks of the group searching some are losing faith but Glenn & Maggie push on. Later after more searching they find her and saving her from a group of raiders, the three then reunite and she calls them mom/dad.

“Ohana” -  So I would like to request a Gleggie daughter one please. They had their baby in Alexandria before Negan and the reader distances herself from them, opting to go hunt to give them space. After they don’t see her for a few days they corner her and she confesses that her 1st adoptive family abandoned her after getting a baby. Happy family make up and reader gets to hold their baby sibling and something cute happens.

[imreszekeres]

for the anon that wanted all 100

1. Name- Ash! 2. Age- 18 3. City that you live in- fear, usually 4. What do most people not know about you?- nothing really, i compulsively release useless information about myself 5. What do most people know you for?- being fat and annoying 6. Hobbies- makeup, youtubers, sleeping, writing, drawing 7. What are your passions?- writing 8. What do you search for in a significant other?- i really Really need to be understood, and someone who is patient is nice too 7. What are you most proud of?- I hav gone to State and gotten within the top 10% in my Journalism competitions, which puts me in the top .08% of all high school students in my state. :-) im good for some things 8. When was the last time you had a significant conversation with someone you love?- every day when I talk to @pizzasteveofficial <3 all our conversations are significant 2 me 9. Have you ever collected anything? What was it?- I collect my tears in a jar and store them, then shower in them every night 10. List 10 things off of your bucket list.- I want to get married in the snow, have a daughter, get a Heartagram tattoo (at least one lol), write a successful book, and.. idk what else :0 11. What was the last thing you learned?- jesus I dont know, you learn sth new every day! hard to remember 12. How many relationships have you been in?- um.. 7 I think i feel like im forgetting one tho. I wont name them obvi but i think im forgetting one? i feel like ive been in 8 oh well 13. Turn ons- validation 14. Turn offs- being alive 15. Favorite food- frozen yogurt! I like the vanilla or white chocolate flavor with looots of toppings 16. Favorite drink- Coke 17. What is the best birthday gift you have ever received?- i dont really know! I dont remember a lot of my birthdays for trauma reasons so  18. Are you optimistic or pessimistic?- pessimistic by far lol 19. Do you sleep during class?- its happened a handful of times, I try not to bc I HATE missing work its annoying 20. What is the most expensive thing you own?- myself?? jk its my laptop 21. What is the cheapest yet most useful thing you own?- a 1 dollar ELF blending brush. yall those things are bomb please go buy some! 22. How many times a day on average do you check your phone?- that number does not exist holy shit  23. Text or call?- TEXT BLEASE I HAVE SUCH BAD HEARING 24. Opinion on long distance?- it can work! ive done it a lot of times. distance has never been whats broken a relationship for me, not directly anyway 25. What is your definition of success?- success is when you’re happy. you do not have many worries, not the kind that keep you awake at night or make your tummy sick anyway. You have people that love you and, if you died, you’d be remembered as a good bean 26. Favorite song?- right now im really diggin “Hate (I Really Dont Like You)” by the plain white Ts 27. Favorite artist?- HIM!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 28. Celebrity crush/crushes?- Ville Valo ALWAYS lmao hes my god 29. When was the last time you read for fun?- like last month 30. Favorite flower?- roses 31. What is the best gift you could receive right now?- a plane ticket to Connecticut and like 1000 dollars 32. Any guilty pleasures?- pop... music... BUT LIKE THE GOOD KIND U FEEL? I DONT LIKE STUFF FROM THE LAST 2 OR 3 YEARs...  33. What is one thing you would like to change about yourself?- my weight, and that sounds so shallow but it. is taking a toll on me. 34. What do you search for in a friend?- someone who is like me! 35. How many times have you said "I love you" in the past month?- not enough 36. Where did you last go other than your room/home?- school.. 37. Why do bad things happen to good people?- because life isnt fair 38. In your opinion, what hurts more? Being left out or being stabbed in the eye?- what the fuck being stabbed in the eye have you ever been stabbed in the fucking eye? because i havent and i can already tell you that if my friends were talking without me and then someone stabbed me in the fuCKING EYE I WOULD BE JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE PREOCCUPIED WITH BEING STABBED IN THE E Y E  39. How many green shirts do you own?- none lol 40. Do you like anime?- sure! I dont watch it rn but i dont watch anything rn, haha 41. What do you invest the most time in?- sleeping,, 42. What was the name of the last book you read?- Rebecca :3 very gud book 43. What's the difference between loving and liking someone?- when ur main squeeze gets a hair cut and u still wanna suck their dingus u love em, thats it sorry i dont make the rules 44. Where are you most productive?- i dont.. know what this is asking lol I’m most protective over my romantic partners. As much as I’d love to say im most protective over Sarah, nothing compares to how “troll guarding his treasure” i am w/my loves.......... *eyes @my crush* 45. List 3 things you enjoy doing with friends.- talking shit abt rude ppl, playing vidya gaem, and talking abt life 46. List 3 things you enjoy doing alone.- watching makeup tutorials, watching lets plays, and thinking about everything and anything 47. Do you believe world peace will ever exist?- absolutely not. theres too many people on the earth to achieve that 48. Do you have any allergies?- Not to anything specific but i get them really often seasonally. i get them pretty much every time the weather changes :( 49. When was the last time you cussed at someone?- i mean.. every day of my life so like 50. What was the last promise you made?- idek dude 51. What was your last dream about?- IT WAS SO WEIRD IT WAS ABOUT MY CRUSH’S MOM? I DREAMT THAT SHE WAS A DEMON WHO STORED HER EGGS IN LITTLE PORCELAIN JARS AND THAT MY CRUSH HAD AN EAR INFECTION AND WE WERE IN A SNOWY VILLAGE IDK DONT ASK ME its weird bc my crushs mom is so sweet... 52. If you won a trip to Hawaii and you could take 5 people with you, who would those 5 people be?- i would literally only take Sarah bc i hate everyone 53. How many countries have you visited?- ive never been outside the US 54. What is your favorite medium of art? (Music, dance, painting, etc.)- writing :-) 56. When was the last time somebody complimented you?- those nice anons i got yesterday/the other day! 56. If you switched bodies with someone, how would you recognize yourself?- what do u even mean? youd know bc youd be like THIS ISNT MY BODY 57. Do you consider yourself mature?- kind of, yes 58. How many days in your life do you think you have wasted on tumblr?- too fuckin many 59. What is your favorite quote?- “Worship Satan!” -Ville Valo (no but rly any HIM lyric is my favorite quote, theyre so beautiful,,,) 60. If you started a new religion and you had to create 3 rules or commandments for your new followers to live by, what would those 3 rules be?- dont hurt ppl unless they hurt u, dont touch ppl unless they want u to, and respect gender/sexuality 61. What is your greatest accomplishment?- going 2 state! 62. Do you believe in the death penalty?- yeah i actually think it should b used more lol, kill all rapists and p*dophiles :-) 63. What are your goals for life?- i just wanna b happy, man 64. What do you think your soulmate is doing right now?- being a fucking idiot, probably 65. If you could live anywhere, where would you live? The place can be in an imaginary, fantasy, or the real world.- CALIFORNIA LMAO IM SUCH A SUCKER FOR CALIFORNIA AND I NEVER EVEN BEEN THERE 66. What were you like in 2013?- awful but also really sweet... then again i wasnt TECHNICALLY the host so lol  67. Do you have a job?- no :( i cant drive 68. Tell us a story about your childhood best friend.- she was an abusive bitch who took out her parents hating her on me the end 69. If you could change one thing about society, what would it be?- i would make discrimination a way more serious crime than it is taken for rn. ppl who discriminate should b put in jail 70. How many all-nighters have you pulled before?- just one when i had to install the sims and it took 6 years 71. Is tumblr your favorite website? If not, then what is your favorite website?- my fave website is youtube 72. What is the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?- suck a dick, i guess 73. Does money equal happiness?- not all the time but it sure can 74. How many times have you experienced true happiness in your lifetime?- never, i dont think 75. How many times have you experienced true sadness in your lifetime?- too many times 76. What is the funniest joke you have ever been told?- you know that joke abt the blind man at the beginning of Crazy Rap? yeah thats fucking HILARIOUS  77. When was the last time you looked at the news?- this morn :0 78. If you could say one thing to the world, what would you say?- im gay 79. What is your favorite animal?- RACCOONS!!!!!!!!!!!! 80. If you could earn a million dollars by pretending to be dead for 3 years, would you do it?- i mean sure lmao nobody would b upset about it so 81. What is one thing that everyone is bad at?- being a human. 82. What time do you normally sleep? How many hours of sleep do you usually get?- i usually go to bed at 10 and get like 6 or 7 hours 83. Does age necessarily equal maturity?- not at all! 84. What is your favorite clothing store?- hot topic lol 85. In the winter- beanies or gloves?- gloves b 86. Would you rather have wings or a fish tail?- wings?? why would i want a fish tail 87. If you had the power to erase one person from the world so that nobody remembered him or her except you, would you do it?- absofuckinglutely.  88. What do you fear the most?- being like my rapist. thats a little too deep than i like to go but im being honest, thats literally my biggest fear Ever 89. How many digits of pi can you recite?- 3.14 lmfao i hate math 90. If you could travel back to one year and relive it again, which year would it be?- 2004. I would stop it before it happened. :-( 91. Describe yourself in one word.- stupid 92. Describe your last victory.- i woke up today w/o killin meself 93. What is the weirdest thing you have ever seen?- bendytoots cucumberpitch’s face 94. What is something you will never forget?- prom.. something rly nice happened 95. Would you rather forget all of the past or remember everything in vivid detail?- forget everything. please 96. Have you ever broken a bone before?- nope! 97. Is it harder to love or to hate somebody?- probably harder to love them lol 98. Coffee or tea?- coffer 99. What are some little things that you do that have changed your life in a positive way?- I dont overdose on a constant basis in a BPD-fueled rage any more so thats good 100. How many hours have you spend on tumblr today?- probably 1 or 2?

[peacekash]

I think this is a spritual breakthrough?

or Im finally coming to reality of me.

Having mommy and daddy issues is one thing but realizing you have to let it go sucks.

lol im not giving much context bc noone is listening and its fucking tumblr...but hey, why not 🤷🏽‍♀️just a lil

today felt different for me. it is usual for me to go through highs and lows within my close relationships,especially recently since I was in “da clink” 😂( im sorry i cant take myself serious) but ultimately inpatient (on my fucking birthday! but that is another story for another day) my relationships with ppl have been shaky,my already pretty low self esteem hit a whole another level of low low, and I, for the first time felt a genuine depressive slump... like not taking showers, not sleeping, not having the energy to speak,etc. I’ve been super anxious most of my life (even before i knew what that meant) so I was use to being sad but only on the inside bc ppl were gonna think i was crazy,crazy angry outburst all of dat.So this type of illness was new to me. that im trying to cope with and treat carefully.

today, my mom was in a good mood.well she’s been like this for a weeks but i know its not gonna last. it never does. I use to feed into her happiness streak and depend on her for my happy and ultimately sadness, and blame myself. And recently I’ve been doing my own thing and not really feed into any of her moods and she ended up adapting to this distance but mutual vibe for each other, which sucks bc me and my mom were so close.but in these Quarantine times and having to spend more time together, I have been cooking, doing more around the house, and helping her and ultimately being her vent person, but this time im not taking it personal. idk if im been going to my therapist too much or im actually learning, how to think for myself and honestly it feels different and for months Ive been keeping more to myself not hiding anything but fixing and venting on my own. Anyways back to today, being woken up at 10am on a saturday by your mom asking you to go the store with her is a feeling everybody knows, you dont wanna go but go and you’re going to help your mom bc you love your mom. And i know going to walmart in these times when its honestly chaos and very triggering for an anxiety riddled person like myself,but here we are driving to walmart. I love when she’s happy if though i didnt want to go, i still wanted to help. now my mom does things where she a) complains about how i “make her feel like she needs to rush bc of my attitude” that i dont have b) and leaves me with the buggy with 500 items in it having to chase across this busy store, I can only say im sorry and oh my fault so many times! it weirdly small and unnessscary things to be annoyed by this but im been feeling and thinking deep lately and it bothered me even more than when i was little kid (and i use to get hot !!) but now im a “composed” “functional” adult and now i see this as another example of her not being concerned about anyone but herself,especially the ppl who care about her the most and today I didnt snap but I was stern when i told to her to “stop having me chase you around the store,please?” Now you must think im a drag to be around (i might be)but around her i try to be my very best and im always invested in what ever she’s interested that day. it got to be weird once we we’re driving home and i was cooking dinner. My mom said something that sounds like what i exclaimed to my very gracious boyfriend who puts up with me ❤️, when im feeling low. “... I feel like noone cares that im overwhelmed *about her new business venture*and this is why i feel discouraged “. then I say “ remember what we talked about taking one thing at a ti-“ “we’re in the house the whole my business should be up and running, im slacking... noone wants to help me” and i instantly felt a tight gut feeling from hearing the similarities of our toxic self bantering and even more sadly how she handles it. noone wants to help but you dont ask (but oh she shouldnt have to ask🙄) or when ppl do help (like me, im currently making website and trying to do all her social media managing) you slight them don’t appreciate them. apparently noone is helping her so she has to hire someone? I asked her for what? what else do you need help with” “my social media” i look at her confused bc that what i was suppose to do but she told she got it, and when she’s introuble im there to help. then after she let out her toxic semi hateful speech without any interrupted, it’s like she empty herself out on me to asorb and then mood switches to happy and joyful again. I did my usual cordial walk downstairs to my space, not to fast so you dont seem upset about anything she said but “she knows whats best” thinks even for herself,but hey who am I to judge.

my relevation: doing my rountine facetime calls with my long distance lover ❤️,casually describing my day, I feel a tight gut feeling when (and see I knew i was down today but idk what for) i starting talking about how my mom was acting and what she said and I made the connection. I get the unbearable self doubt and pressuring idealogy from her. I made it journey to not end up like her or in her position in life (not saying she is a terrible but she is the most confident beautiful black women who is caring and thoughtful. she is just unpredictable) I started to wonder if I am perceived this way to my close ppl? but instead of cursing ppl out and being angry I just cry myself to sleep? ... them my tears im my eyes started to well up, which pissed me off bc im tired of crying gurl 🙄😂. bc I realized how I was happy or comfortable at all today, with my mom. she is my closest person to me,she knew everything about me and i was her only true friend who listened and care about everything she said or do when things that really hurt me. i felt this strain in our relationship was my fault... bc that’s what i was told in inpatient and even in therapy by her. no matter what anyone said or prove to me, I was gonna fold my emotions on her, but it is. we are healthy for each other anymore and as much as i want to make it better, I know i cant be under her anymore, i cant be at her beck and call, it all made sense to me. but what made me really sad, is that she doesn’t even realize she hurt self, by cutting off her friends or anyone who wanted to help and got too close, she thinks she always knows what best for herself and everyone around, when the smoke clears and she realizes she by herself and as much as i dont want to leave her to be alone and feel like she has noone, I will never be myself. I feel like i am my own person. but why do i feel so shitty?

ahh fuck it’s 3 am

[ts-2020-olympics]

Episode 12 - “Jacob’s Squirrel Brain Took Over” - Nicole

Alright, so for starters, Karen was voted out last round, everything worked out for us newbies, but really did not expect Karen to get that many votes.   If I knew Karen was getting that manh votes, I would have informed Tommy about the Karen vote too.  Definitely thought was going to be a closer vote though, then also had that glass idol played so everyone knows who voted who.   Now for this round, not sure on what plans are, but I think Nicole and Kevin are my biggest threats, as I find they both have a fair amount of connections, and are also decent in challenges.   Only thing is that, could be tough getting the votes to get rid of either of them this round, do it might have to wait, just don't want to wait too long.   Anyways, hopefully I survive and make final 11!

Screw them all! At this point I'm a solo person I don't trust anyone, but this game makes you have to trust people so I'm going with my intuition and instead of thinking long-term at the moment I need to think what will save me this round and at this point I believe the newbies will be reluctant to vote another newbie out, the second swap Miraitowa are working together, and Kevin has a lotta pre-game relationships which is why his name even though it was thrown out died really quick last tribal. This leaves Jacob, Nicole, and Myself and obviously I don't want to go home and between Jacob and Nicole I think Jacob has better interests in-store for me plus getting rid of Nicole gets rid of another winner so if I do survive this round it's better and more people voiced to me worry about Nicole being a threat. I do realize I'll be putting the second swap Sonkei in the minority but at this point I don't care it's all about self-preservation and I still have a HUGE chance at going home tonight so as long as it ain't me I'm fine with voting wherever.

By the grace of our Lord And Savior Jordan Pines, I’m still here and not in as bad as a spot as I really could be. I voted with the majority, Jacob’s squirrel brain took over the reigns of his big brain and he didn’t. Jordan used a vote revealer on all of us and we all got a fun little surprise when Jacob voted for Sammy.   Now my gut told me not to use my advantage last round and it was right.  This round it’s a little more complicated. I worry about Jacob if I go, he really is a good ally to have because he is (seemingly) more loyal as the rounds go on. Sammy and I have mended a little bit of trust. I’ve decided maybe I’d vote for him at the end but maybe not. He’d have to be sitting next to Stoner and Eve or Sarah and Emma , some mix of that to really get my vote. Anyone else and I’m voting them. I really hope Darcy gets to the end with Kevin that’d be a good f2 scenario. I’d vote for Darcy, I think most people would vote for Kevin. I’m not even entertaining the idea I get to the end. It just seems like too impossible of a possibility at this point. But, tides my change and who knows. Either way, back to the game and tonight’s tribal. I’m going to try to get an idea of where the votes are going. They might split between Jacob and I but it’s early in the day. If they need me for the vote idk what I’m gonna do. I really truly have no clue. What I could do is try to get a lot of votes on me, skip tribal and leave them scrambling, when they scramble the majority is already solid and they have to decide who their counter vote is. I feel bad because I want to work with Kevin badly but our connection is dimming just a bit in the midst of I think, both of us finding better paths to the end. I think voting out Karen kind of shook up our plans so, I don’t know. I still hope if I can’t pull out a win he can. Check back later when more is happening, toodles. 

I saw a hawk today. It was a fat hawk. It was a good day. 

Bro fuck Nicole 

This round, Basically I think Nicole is a clown, i dont wanna speak to her, and if she idols someone out, BYE like shes going next week anyways, might as well pass ur idol onto someone who can use it, its my fault you're ass is built like a fucking HOUSE. BRICK. MOTHER. FUCKING. WALL. I just want her to go, and i wanna wave bye as she leaves this island, BUT SHE CAN IDOL I DONT CARE BECAUSE I KNOW SHES NOT WINNING THIS GAME P E R I O D. shes gone next week anyways

I just set off a bomb oh my goodness. I did not want Nicole to go it doesn’t make sense for me to lose Nicole over someone like Jacob or Kevin or Tommy or Darcy right now so of course I told her name was going around. I’m not gonna compromise my agenda for someone else’s, not if I really see a benefit in keeping Nicole and I do.  Now everyone is fighting and no one knows it’s all cause I set off a catalyst this round. I’m worried I may be over extending myself strategically and it might catch up with me, but I’m not gonna stop till it does, this is my game to lose and I’m having a blast!

I am trying to balance my allegiance to nicole while she's on her deathbed so she doesnt blow up at me and expose me while also carrying for this newborn baby that is my allegiance to caeleb/sammy/eve who i want to work with long term but i simply cant just drop nicole, my full grown rebellious child, because i have a new baby? you know, like i love all my children but some need more attention at different times in their life. I just hope that I can survive this vote and really be able to distance myself from nicole even though shes STILL gonna be here the next round. But after that she is pretty dead in the water unless she wins immunity, which she found an advantage in so thats GREAT, i really have no idea whats gonna happen right now 

Sparknotes: I’m so pissed that Nicole would ruin my game like that. It’s a game I get it, and I get that she wants to ruin another persons game on the way out. Caeleb is playing an idol on me even tho i don’t think I need it. Eve is amazing. Kevin is amazing. Jordan is amazing. Caeleb is amazing. Jacob is okay but this game just don’t trust him anymore. Emma is sweet. I don’t talk too much with tommy Darcy Sarah or stoner. I’m just over this round and frustrated. Why me? Nicole stirred the pot but she’s the one getting burned.

*this is a wrap up of my last confessional that I’m writing during tribal bc I’m not there* So I used the tribal skip and honestly I’m not even happy about it. I tried to take heat off of Kevin and Jacob by saying stuff about Sammy and Eve but they made it so personal. This game isn’t fun because of them, every time I try to do something they go absolutely too far. Bunch of bullies. I think it hurts because personally I always felt they were alright but now? I don’t know. Just rude. I have no faith in the rounds ahead, and if I go it’ll probably at least I won’t have to try to claw my way into a somewhat okay position. I’m just tired all around I really wish Eve’s ego wasn’t so pronounced that they didn’t think they were actually doing something by attacking my mental health because you know what? I’m not doing well. But I still like to play these games as much as everyone else and I don’t think mental illness has to be called into question. It’s a fucking online game for 40 dollars, get your head out of your ass. 

[crushedrosepetals]

I don't make the rules but you need to answer all of the Valentine's asks

1: Do you have a crush at the moment? No thank god

2: Have you ever been deeply in love? no

3: Longest relationship you’ve ever been in? idk

4: Have you ever changed for someone? to a certain extent, i usually hide certain parts of myself when i first meet them if i feel like i wont be accepted

5: How is your relationship with your ex? friends

6: Have you ever been cheated on? omg i was thinking about this the other day lol bc someone made me paranoid by saying some shit to me but not to my knowledge but fuck i dont wanna know lol

7: Have you ever cheated? no

8: Would you date someone who’s well known for cheating? no

9: What’s the most important part of a relationship? im gonna go with the stereotypical communication tbh 

10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? idk meh i like to be on the same page as the other person lol whatever that means lol as long as we know what were doing 

11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on “breaks”? i dont know,,

13: What’s one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship? all of it lol. actually idk tbh i hate a lot that happened, the way things went down

14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex? never thought about it lol idk

15: Do you believe in the phrase “age is just a number”? idk how to word this lol. as long as its legal obviously 

16: Do you believe in “love at first sight”? lust maybe

17: Do you believe it’s possible to fall in love on the internet? mhm

18: What do you consider a deal breaker? idk tbh i take more shit from people than i care to admit lol 

19: How do you know it’s time to end a relationship? if it hurts more than it makes you happy

20: Are you currently in a relationship? nah

21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends? depends on so many things tbh like how it ended, how ya’ll feel about each other, etc

22: Do you think people should date their friends? i mean for the most part, whoever you date will end up being a close friend so it’s the same scary shit, the thought of losing that ig so i mean the risk is the same lol. idek if i answered the question but ya know?

23: How many relationships have you had? depends on your definition of a relationship

24: Do you think love can last forever? idk lol. scary to think about

25: Do you believe love can conquer all things? probably not but i dont really know what this means

26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn’t approve of? probably not 

27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be? oooh idk. thats a good question lol

28: Do you think long distance relationships can work? yea

29: What do you notice first about another person? i feel like i notice hair first lol. not in like I have like a Hair Kink or some shit but i’m always like ‘oh she has nice hair

30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual? confused lol at this point im not trying to figure it out anymore but i’m not Straight

31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness? no

32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? eh 

33: Do you want to get married one day? lol who would marry me tho

34: What do you think about getting your partner’s name tattooed? nope lol literally never

35: Could you be in a relationship without sex? ye

36: Are you still a virgin? mhm

37: What’s more important: Looks or personality? personality

38: Do you enjoy love films? yeah they’re my fav lol

39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses? i think so

40: Have you ever had a valentine? nah

41: What’s your imagination of a “perfect date”? A date in general LOL. i have anxiety about resturants and Fancy Places so like a chill ass shit ya know, i appreciate small things like picnics, movie nights, ice skating, baking shit idk

42: Have you ever read “Romeo & Juliet”?yeah lol required in hs

43: What’s more important: Your partner or your friends? time for both always

44: Would you consider yourself “romantic”? yeah im a fuckign sap lol 

45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends? like actually? no but i liek being affectionate and shit with them lol

46: Have you ever been “friendzoned”? i mean not really

47: Which “famous couple” is your favorite? theres like someone on the tip of my tongue but idk who?

48: What’s your favorite love song? wait omg I’ll just Wait by emarosa is kinda a love song maybe (?) but fuck that shit fucks me up lol

49: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? i mean idk i doubt it

50: If you’re single, why do you think you are? i never leave my house LOl im like sort of kidding but idk 

51: Would you rather date someone who’s rich but a douchebag or someone who’s poor but a nice guy? nice guy

52: Are you good at giving other people advices regarding dating/ relationships? i’m kinda shitty tbh I don’t know how to word things and im a fake deep ass bitch 

53: Are you jealous of couples when you’re single? i don’t think so but i’m a lowkey bitter bitch who hopes everyone breaks up with their partner lol so maybe. just kidding yeah no i only get jealous if im constantly third wheeling

54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on Facebook)? i liek bragging about whoever im dating but i feel like i’d never do it on facebook lol

55: Would you consider yourself “clingy”, “overly attached” or “jealous”? maybe lol but i know how to not show it 

56: Have you ever “destroyed” a relationship? oH i just realized this probably means someone elses lol no

57: Do you think it’s silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart? mm idk how to answer that 

58: Are you the “dominant” or the “submissive” part in a relationship? idrk what this means lol if it’s not sexually 

59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner’s birthday or your anniversary? i don’t forget dates but sometimes i dont keep track of days so i’ll know what day the thing is but i wont realize its the day if that makes any sense lol 

60: What’s your opinion on open relationships? not my business what other people do but I could never do one

61: Who’s more important: Your partner or your family

62: How do you define “cheating”? i once read somewhere that it’s something you feel like you have to hide from the other person and i feel like thats a pretty good way to put it idk. if that makes sense lol 

63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate? nope

64: Do you think Valentine’s Day is overrated? im a sappy bitch but i mean it kinda sucks when ur single bUt if you get some friends to chill with then it’s pretty awesome or just like chill in ur bathtub like a wine mom with your bubble bath ya feel?

65: Would you consider yourself a “cuddler”? yes yes yes i love affection