#emotional overload is real and no I won't be normal about it

[artemismatchalatte]

Also I was testing the censors on the icons, unintentionally. Originally my icon had Gerry saying "Fuck Yeah" then "Hell Yeah" then finally "Heck Yeah" but with an exclamation mark.

I can't imagine her ever saying "Heck Yeah" but hopefully you get the point. And even that got cut off so we're stuck with my current mess of an icon until I decide to make another one.

[buckgasms]

How have I made bunny and Clyde so freaking adoreable in my brain 😭 I don't care how violent they'd be to protect their babies because I love them and I get it... please do headcannons on their family life I'd kill for this family. I won't give you more kids cuz I don't wanna overload on the children lol but if you wanna add more and need ideas just drop a post and I'll be straight on it... I love this almost as much as I love the normal horny crazy shenanigans

I mean same. This morning I was like, nah they wouldn't really have kids and now I'm like *slams desk* give them all the kids!!!

And babe you can send me messages about whatever you want at any time 🩷

Ok lemme think....

I was imagining some older kids too like 15-17 year olds who are a bit less impressionable that the little ones but they still absolutely love being with Bunny and Bucky.

I love the idea that any time they mention a special interest or hobby they find all the kit they need to pursue it in their room the next day.

I think the only real rule there is in the house is to look after each other. You and Bucky want to make your kids happy and keep them safe, anything else can be sorted out with cash (or secret violence lol).

🩷

I imagine the day starts with a good breakfast and a reminder of all the stuff that has to be done that day.

I feel Bucky sits reading a paper and sipping on a coffee, greeting his various kids, asking them about their homework, checking to make sure there aren't any issues. Baby bunny will often sit with him, sipping on a glass of water like it's vodka, reading the comic section that he put aside for her (screaming) as she tucks into her cereal.

Bunny is in full chaos mode, fussing over everyone, doing hair and making sure teeth are brushed. One of the teenage girls comes downstairs in an emotional panic because the boy she's seeing hasn't texted her all morning.

Both you and Bucky frown because boys but you also take her to one side and craft the perfect message and explain how to make him suffer all day for his foolishness.

Both you and Bucky keep his name stored away in your head for later, just in case.

Bucky is semi-retired at this point so when all the kids are at school the days are spent with you, which is just divine. I could say more but you should know them well enough by now to know what happens when they are alone 😉

🩷

Evenings are filled with nice little routines that are only visible if you really look for them. But for kids who need structure it means the world.

Dinner is eaten together. You try and cook in the early days and it's kind of a disaster so Bucky suggests you hire a cook who can cater for the needs of everyone without any fuss. It feels a little like failure but when Little Rabbit scoffs down a broccoli based dish without complaint, you decide it's a good idea.

Unless the kids have an after school club you will all cuddle up and watch TV or movies together. Because Thumper is a scaredy cat you end up watching a lot of competition shows because they are low risk and suitable for everyone.

The older kids might hang out in their room, but they kinda enjoy the chaos of sitting with you guys and the little ones watching crap on tv.

You get the update on the boy from school (he came crawling back immediately), Bucky discusses sports with the eldest and the little ones are discussing which Disney princess would be the best at beating up Superman.

You feel very happy in these moments

🩷

Little Rabbit insists on two bedtime stories, one from each of you. Thumper needs you to tell him happy things before bed, with 10 kisses and Bucky tells him that no one will ever get to him because he's the toughest guy on the planet. He also plugs in a night light so he doesn't get scared.

You give Baby Bunny a kiss and a cuddle goodnight and wait by the door as she and Bucky discuss her plans for world domination until she falls asleep mid-sentence.

The teenagers insist they don't need to be tucked in, but they pretend that they are accepting kisses and cuddles from you for your benefit. You don't care, as long as they go to bed knowing they are loved.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[touyas-back-lover]

426...

I wrote this in the early hours of the morning and only stopped when it was past five in the morning and I was exhausted. I just let my emotions out with the new chapter and had no intention of it making sense or written in a beautiful way. English isn't even my language.

Look, I almost never write to post anywhere. Literally on no network. I limit myself to reposting and liking and commenting as a friendly fan of the content produced by Dabi/Touya fans and other things in my bubble. But I'm frozen in front of my cell phone. I saw the leaks here, and I stayed right here. Writing is the only way to comfort myself, but wanting to post…I don't know why I want this. I'm just obeying my desperation. And my page seems safe since it is surrounded by content that i repost from people who love Touya, and also by a place that belongs to Touya (I only created it to follow everything closely).

I'm sick to the point where I can't cry. Do not leave. But how much I needed it now, my God. My hope is that writing heals me like it usually does, because today I won't be able to count on Touya for that. His pain is pushing me towards mine.

I fall when I see Touya facing his own wounds and they throb in a cruel way. His weaknesses open. And nothing can protect Touya from his pain now. Not even Dabi. This distresses me.

I'm frozen in my place. To the point where I couldn't cry. And since it's dawn now, I can't attract anyone to my shit by dealing any other way.

I'll try to keep a little order. Part by part.

In the first line where he calls his father a coward, I cheered with my hand over my mouth. "Daammm, my boy lost his arms, but not his tongue!!" I laughed, I celebrated and it was a relief. It's already horrible for him to be confined in an almost vegetative state, but the real nightmare would be not being able to express himself at all. Seeing this rude and honest sentence cheered me up. My brave boy still has the strength to be rude on purpose. As the chapter progressed I became worried about the sound of the heart monitor. Having stronger beats highlighted on the panels. The reason? The requests from his mother and fuyumi saying that they wanted to talk to him more, that they had a lot of things to say. And even his father saying he would talk to him. Man, that was literally his last thought before being definitively neutralized by Shoto. "There are many things I want to say" A desire that he kept to himself but that is shared by them. It messed with him, And if it messes with him, I'm miserable. It's everything I wanted most. May everything that Touya wishes deep in his heart happen. But his own heart becomes unstable. When the doctor says that everyone should leave so as not to overload Touya's heart, I stopped working. He's feeling too much, again.

Oh no, stop this madness. His heart its crying

And without the blue flames to extend their emotions, they take everything out on the heart held by cables. How can I counter this??? And then comes Shoto, willing to ask the simplest question to complete his mission to save Touya. And Touya replied. made a small, genuine connection. And it means that at that moment, Touya was not alone. It's all cruel with Touya. And he fought so hard. And so, the likely last panel I see of him is a redemption. He cries, but there is no blood. These are normal tears. The kind that hasn't been on his face in so long. "I'm sorry, Shoto" My head spun with what could have been going through his head.

I looked forward to Touya apologizing to his mother and the others like he desperately wanted as soon as he woke up from the coma (we even had this episode a few days ago and it's all painfully fresh). He sought this by running barefoot. I wanted him to hear an apology and also ask to get rid of his burdens. and feel peace. But seeing it for real, out loud directed at Shoto made the melancholy that was already installed to think why. He and Shoto don't have many memories together. So what thoughts does he have about his brother? I'm on the floor with his commotion. How hurt his voice must have been, apologizing like that. At 13y, in that conversation with Natsuo, he still felt guilty for having attacked Shoto when he was 8y, perhaps remembering the fight against Shoto made him remember this old guilt and feed it since he attacked him again in the war. Touya, from a young age, concluded that there was nothing wrong with Shoto, the boy was innocent, but he still lost control and kept trying to reach the same level of power. He didn't see shoto as a person, he saw what shoto represented. A project capable of replacing its existence. He lost his mind when he was 8 years old because he was so scared, and then the fight in the war, in addition to the confrontation after the dabi dance. And Touya knows all this. Who took everything out on the boy again. Since if he could have seen Shoto as a person, they could share a good portion of soba. He returned to the regret he already had when he was still little. And with his heart on the monitor beating loudly he let his excuses come out . Perhaps the reason he cried was the same reason people cry when they are rescued. Touya went too far. He pushed his life to fall off a cliff. He destroyed his own body to activate all his power, almost exploded himself and a 5km radius, destroyed his own arm with a punch, mentally regressed until he spoke like a child, and after 25 years of existence he awakened ice… Touya cut off his own exits, his own escape routes, he made himself someone impossible to save. If he had already felt unwanted in his time of innocence, now with crimes deliberately in his name and his plan to expose everything completely, there would only be repulsion. And yet it was achieved. For the family in those chapters of Gunga, being taken from the brink of death, and now for Shoto wanting to know him for what he likes to eat regardless of being wronged by him. Save even if “unsalvageable”. That boy who died too soon, saying he still wanted to live, continued to exist beneath the man who was looking for a good place to die among the villains, because when no one comes to his rescue, all that's left is death.

What will become of him now? I can't rest without seeing him at peace. Is no one going to hug him? And won't the bowl of soba come to comfort you? and the conversations about everything that happened when they were apart? He needs to know that things only got worse after he died not because his existence didn't matter, but because it was so tragic that they got sick, and sick people only get worse every day. And they need to know what it was like for Touya the days he trained alone to buy back his own value for existing, how upset he was to lose control and agonize in flames on the day in sekoto, how scary it was to wake up from the coma and how His heart broke because he cared too much about being accepted by each member of his family. The apology he wanted to say when he first survived, how his mother was the first person he thought of saying it to. Won't Touya know how Endeavor's life passed through his eyes when ice appeared on his chest? I know, this will all be implicit, but nothing guarantees that your last days of life will be worth it to conclude all the high points, misunderstandings, strong emotions and traumas. Without forgetting any. Nothing guarantees me. And my God, why did they leave him crying alone?? No, no, no, no.. enough. Turn around and go back until he stops! It's just hell after hell. But I can't see him paying for it. Please be happy again, my baby Shoto, go back to your brother now, he needs a friend like you. And those scars on everyone made by Touya…he manufactured a memory so that he will not be forgotten in any way. I will not forget you either, angel.

Touya dying was painful. I wish Touya being reborn wasn't painful too. But it's hell.

[aroaceconfessions]

Okay, so this here is in relation to this ask.

I Mean, if it's fucking up your life then yeah, seek help, but ALSO, don't forget that repulsion is normal, even if it gets too intense in some moments, it's just like getting overwhelmed, sensory overloaded, over stimulated. As someone who feels stuff strongly, both in emotions and physical, I have (many) other repulsions besides sex and romance and sincerely, I can't avoid some of them. I'm just writing this because I'm kind of on the opposite side, I think it should be normalized not only as an A-spec experience but to acknowledge that some allos on a bad day might also feel it (which I've seen happen) either because they just broke up or cause they simply can't deal with that right now. So here are some of my other repulsions to illustrate what I'm saying:

Tact: The feeling of sticky sweaty skin irks me so much I recoil as if I'm burnt. Get tf away, it's disgusting for me.

Sight: I see someone eating stroganoff I gag slightly, like I hate that shit whole heartedly. Any time I see someone pouring cream on savory food is just– Nope, thank you, enjoy your utter lack of good taste, don't mind me if I don't look at you while you eat it as we talking.

Taste: If I bite the tiniest piece of bell pepper I'll spit it out and I can't eat anything that has its taste too predominantly, I would rather starve the whole day.

Smell: I have no allergies at all but certain perfumes I strongly dislike can get me nauseated, feeling so uncomfortable it triggers my migraine and gets me depressed on certain instances, some smells from trauma, some just because I can't stand strong smells, it could be my favorite smell and if it's too strong ill still get repulsed.

Hearing: The sound of styrofoam gives me shivers, gets me shaking and might even gives me muscle spasms and make me cry from repulsion. (yep, this one can get real fucking bad, like nails on a chalkboard can be for some).

I've met people who also had strong repulsion to stuff and some who had phobias, which is something entirely different and if it's to the point of becoming a phobia then go see a professional. Sex, as a visual and auditory stimulus, is way lighter for me most of the time than all of these, I'm just uncomfortable and like "I've seen enough, get me out of here".

Romance on the other hand can fuck me up on a bad day. I got bedridden in a past V-Day, like, fucking sick. But it was as if I was forced to eat bell peppers on a stroganoff while smelling strong perfumes to the sound of styrofoam as I was hugged by someone very sweaty and very sticky which is to illustrate that the influx of romantic content was way higher than the usual, so although such strong reaction is not normal, the situation that caused it was also not the everyday norm either.

I never hid my repulsion to those things (I won't let people know how bad it gets with the styrofoam for safety reasons, but still), I'm not proud of them, why would I be, but they exist and I acknowledge them so I can avoid them. But since forever I was made to feel that being sex repulsed was something to be embarassed of and to be romance repulsed was synonymous with not having a heart and being evil. I was only made comfortable to say "hey, can you not talk about romance with me this week?" once in my whole life, while if you've met me for over a week you know I don't fuck with stroganoff.

There's a word for this stuff where I come from. It's called Ginge/gingi. Usually used to refer to sounds like nail on a chalkboard, it indicates a strong negative reaction to a totally unrelated stimulus, that shouldn't be able to produce such result. It's a physical reaction like shivers, dizziness and such, or a neurological discomfort caused by a sound, a feeling, a sight. Like when someone bouncing their legs non stop or popping their jaw feels beyond annoying, it makes you uncomfortable, sick even, bad brain tingles, the opposite of ASMR.

Anyways, most of the time romance sucks more than bell peppers but way less than styrofoam, and that's okay cause they all suck and being forced to see/eat/hear something that makes you uncomfortable is not OK, and it will only get that bad if you constantly are forced to do so. If I can go through life just picking out the bell peppers from my yakisoba and placing it on the side of my plate or straight up asking people to not put it in when I buy it, then I can do the same with Romance and sex, and even if sometimes they feel like styrofoam, I have some pretty strong headphones.

[prompt-master]

please please PLEASE spill your thoughts about a V3 rewrite!!!

I have a lot of thoughts regarding some v3 rewrites but we'll stay simple here and talk about some concepts surrounding Saihara and how to better portray his character.

Saihara is a fantastic character with an interesting arc and generally the concepts of his character thematically are great. But often times the writing and game play does not do him justice.

One reason for this, in my opinion, is that the game treats him like Akamatsu, Hinata, and Naegi. They treat him like a normal, good protagonist. But he ISN'T. Saihara is a support character who was forced against his will to take on being the protagonist, which means the game should use that.

Because Saihara has no real will of his own. From the beginning, he takes on Akamatsu's will. And afterwards he is impacted by Momota's will. And even Ouma and Harukawa's. Saihara, unlike our other protagonists, does not need aid with finding the clues, he needs a MOTIVATOR.

this is why often times it can be frustrating playing as Saihara: because he is a detective. I think it's fair to say he is the most frustrating of the bunch, because unlike the others he IS an expert in solving mysteries. It can make Saihara feel very dumb at times (for me, this frustration showed most in ch5 lol).

The problem here is that the writers FORGOT the reason WHY Saihara struggles to solve mysteries. It's not for difficulty solving mysteries, but entirely because of his mental health.

Saihara is a character built around dependency issues and the wills of other people, and this could be used fantastically to make the ending more satisfying. Throughout the game, there could be an increase in pressures from the others who entirely rely on Saihara, and an increase in pressure from the people who SAIHARA entirely relies on to function. It could all explode in chapter 6, where Saihara just completely breaks.

All the wills that he had taken to heart, all the people he has been working and living for even though he's wanted to die this entire time: suddenly none of it even matters. The major plot twist doesn't even change his mental image of Akamatsu! She's still the same person he thought she was at the end of ch1. So what good did the truth do for him here, besides cause more pain? What good did the truth do for Akamatsu? She fucking died for THIS truth? All this does is further reinforce Saihara's believe that Akamatsu herself taught him to abandon: the truth is pointless because it always hurts.

Of course he breaks. Of course the first will of his own after all this time is "this entire thing is bullshit." He is finally being his own person, not relying on others, and not caring about those relying on him. He's "fake" but goddamn, did all of this hurt still. They were still people, and that's why he just wants this shit done for real. He won't play into the "good" or "bad" ending, he never even wanted to be the protag in the first place.

Now imagine this in terms of gameplay: Saihara after investigating understands the mystery, but doesn't express it to the player so that we can still figure it out. Instead, when he says incorrect answers it entirely has to do with his stress and anxiety, which furthers said emotions. We could have something similar to Hintata's breakdown in ch6, where the trials visuals and difficulty is aligned with how stressed Saihara is. Text gets harder to read, it becomes harder for him to concentrate, the three way debates could be the result of sensory overload making it more difficult to think, ect.

This could explain why the trials get more difficult as time goes on for Saihara. We could switch it so that he takes on EVERYONES will. Not just his motivators, but also those who have died. I can see Saihara being inspired by the last wills of Toujo and Hoshi and Gonta and Angie and Chabashira ect. As the game progresses not only is he taking on more mental stress trying to juggle and satisfy these mental wills, but he's also having to handle the way the living overly rely on him to solve the trials. It further damages his mental stress, and makes things so much harder.

That could explain why he had such a difficult time catching on in ch5. Think of how much would be going on at that point! He's lost his real motivator after a massive break up, and the temporary one (harukawa) is under her own intense duress and acting irrationally too. Saihara's character in this chapter particularly could have been heavily benefitted by mention of Akamatsu: who's will imparted on saihara was to find the truth no matter how much it hurt. Of course he doesn't realize he SHOULDNT solve this mystery. He's too busy thinking of satisfying his promise to her. He's so blinded by this desire that hes been LIVING that he doesnt realize how bad the truth is here.

In other words: saihara should have been a character that utilized the build up of dependency issues and mental stress to its advantage. The build up is all there. It IS. but for some reason the game doesnt properly utilize it and often times it can make saihara and the game feel weak. Especially with how the game will go hot and cold on saiharas confidence (which could work, if used well due to his reliance on motivators, but felt more like inconsistency in the game)

[museontheside]

This is definitely the hardest part for me. Stopping myself from criticizing my thoughts, feelings, actions, etc. Letting myself just feel what I need to feel without shaming or guilting myself for my feelings is... so strange. And difficult? Bah. Brains!

I think... I think being consistently emotionally and sometimes physically neglected as a child coupled with undiagnosed autism resulting in constant bullying are the roots of my Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. It's such a fucked aspect of cPTSD and I wish I'd known about any of this stuff sooner for so many reasons. I spent so much of last year trying to just soldier through all the feelings and not share my struggles with them in order to protect the other people in my life from their own feelings about them but also just because I was so fucking ashamed of feeling so... lost and alone and rejected and unloved because I knew those things weren't true but they felt so real and all consuming and not being able to reconnect with anyone in person and not ever having set plans to do so just fed those beasts so much. And the longer I sat on it, the more desperate and unseen I felt, but at the same time, the monster grew so large that it felt unspeakable. Any time a little leaked out, I felt overwhelmed (and now I look back and see how incredibly burnt out I was, just constantly, with zero reprieve from constant overload excepting short windows of time while the family left the house and I laid in the quiet desperately wishing for just a little more time. [I feel like I've spent years desperately wanting just a little more time. For quiet. For myself. For my loves. For the things that fill my cup. But fuck, this fucking pandemic.]) And I felt like... no one wanted to hear it or acknowledge it or make plans to try to address it better because I couldn't even articulate how much I was struggling and I was so ashamed of why (which I know isn't productive or whatever, hence me working on it so much currently. 🙄)

Anyway, it's fucked how much childhood trauma impacts our entire lives and how we don't talk enough about emotional neglect and other insidious forms of trauma as a collective and therefore so much of it is normalized. Oh and earlier this week I read about how common it is for folks with cPTSD to have dysautonomia attacks as triggered panic attacks and whoa. I... there's been times when I was so confused about the onset and intensity of a dysautonomia attack but knowing it was literally triggered by cPTSD makes so much sense. I had my first one in months a couple of weeks ago in bed and was concerned my health was going to take a turn again but now I know exactly what caused it and I'm not concerned. (Ugh one of my most memorable ones from the last couple of years embarrassed me so fucking much and I couldn't even talk about it with the person who witnessed it because I had no idea. Just... no idea that it could be triggered by phrasing and intonation. And my autopilot took over and tried to soothe them and myself and I'm pretty sure it just made them angry and ... I don't know, it fucking sucks that I don't feel like I can trust my brain anymore. I want to. I want to be able to openly talk about all the things I need to but also... 🤷 Bah.) Today is housework and self care again. Signing up for the Y and... ooo maybe I can go swimming Tuesday after my appointment since NP will be working from home and so I won't have to plan for the child. I just need to pull out some suits and see what fits, I guess.