#emotional flashback . idk its a ptsd thing .

[carrieway]

i am so sleepy but the horrors (uk edition)

[stoutguts]

A Pint of Comfort (💀🧼) PART 4

(The final part, woohoo! Let’s get into it! :333 ALSO REPOST FOR REACH BECAUSE I FUCKED UP AND FORGOT TAGS AT FIRST—😬💀😭)

(first time rlly writing a full length fic like this, so be nice okay?)

Tooth-rotting fluff, established relationship, the definition of hurt/comfort, mutual pining (kind of?????/just barely (idk, I'm kind of bad with tropes), lots of crying (and suggestive kissing), Ghost has Astraphobia,—Johnny helps Simon through a PTSD episode, while also finally getting a much needed point across 💖

possible CW/TW for PTSD, flashbacks, Ghost's canon backstory, very subtly implied NSFW at the very end lmao, and implied parental/child ab*se

Link to part 3! Teehee:

“So, what’s got ye up so early?”, Johnny asks, as Simon hands him a fresh cup of joe.

“I thought I’d make ya breakfast. As a treat”, Ghost replies, blushing a bit,—pausing briefly to take a sip of his morning tea. “Also, I’m feeling better today.—I think I’m finally getting over this bloody cold”, they finish.

“Ah’m glad yer feelin’ better”, Soap says with his signature smile. Simon’s heart flutters. “Ye dinnae have to do that though, ye know ah’m not much of a breakfast kind of guy anyways—“, Johnny starts, but Ghost cuts his rambling short.

“I know I don’t have to, but I want to. Simon blushes furiously. Ya took care of me last night,—when I was at my lowest. The least I can do is make ya breakfast or something…as a thank you”, Ghost says, averting its gaze, and rubbing the back of his neck.

Soap could’ve fucking wept at that.

Poor Simon wasn’t used to having things given to them, and someone not expecting something in return. And Johnny would be fucked, if he wasn’t going to shower the man with love and affection regardless if it’s reciprocated.

Soap’s love for Ghost, is simply unconditional. They’re his ride or die,—his soulmate.

In Johnny’s humble and infatuated opinion, Simon deserves the fucking world and then some. He’d fall over himself to give it whatever it wanted or desired.—Because that’s just how much he loves his partner.

“Oh Si, baby, ye don’t need to thank mae. He sets his coffee mug down on the kitchen counter, walking over to them. Ghost, in turn, setting down their teacup on its saucer. Yer happiness and well-being is all that matters to mae. Ah’m more than content with ye just being by my side like this…”, Soap says, with now half-lidded eyes. Cradling it’s face in his hands, as it settles it’s own hands on his hips.

The two share a kiss before pulling back from each other,—shaky and gentle.

“But—“, Simon starts, utterly flustered, but is interrupted by Johnny kissing him again, His hands stilling cupping their rosy cheeks.

It’s more passionate this time around, and it makes Ghost gasp, breath hitching, and it’s pulse race. Small noises slipping from the both of them.

“No ifs, ands, or buts..I love ye Si, I love ye so much. Yer mae everything. Words cannae even describe…Yer more than enough Si..”, Soap says, babbling a little, closing his eyes and touching their foreheads together.

“Ah’ll tell ye over and over, as many times as it takes to get it through yer thick skull.—Yer loved more than ye could ever know. Yer not a burden or a monster,—yer Simon…..I hope one day ye’ll see in yerself, what I see in ye”, Johnny finishes, finally moving his hands down from Ghost's face to take his hands in his.

He opens his eyes again, only to be met with his boyfriend bursting into tears, with them streaming down like a waterfall.

His actions had always spoken much louder than his words,—that is,—until this moment. (And though his actions did certainly help things in this instance like usual,—he could tell it still wasn’t the real kicker).

Overcome with emotion,—and the fact that he may have finally gotten through to it,—he fails to stop himself from crying too.

Eyes wide but soft, vulnerable, and begging Soap not to wound them. Simon's lips quivering, and hung slightly open in a stunned silence.

"Di-Did I say something wrong?—“, Johnny begins to overthink, but abruptly stops, as Ghost unlinks their hands and embraces him. Burying it’s tear streaked face into his neck, and Soap can’t help but be transported back in time to last night.

Tears still flowing and soaking his neck, as he tenses up again, with his thoughts running wild once more.

Reading Johnny’s body language, Simon lifts up.

“Ya did nothing wrong. Ya said nothing wrong.—And I hope so. I hope I can love myself, as much as you love me.—Thank you. Thank you so much, Johnny”, Ghost sobs, before kissing him this time. Before he can even respond, a hand is gripping tightly onto his mohawk like a makeshift love handle, while the other arm is wrapped around his waist.

Feral, with teeth scraping against lips, and their tongues clashing against each other. Primal, with harsh breaths being taken in through their noses, and small moans and groans climbing their way out of their throats. Both of their faces now tear-streaked, and they can both feel the wetness of their cheeks pressing up against each other.

Simon flips them over to where Soap is now the one pressed up against the counter. Before Ghost finally pulls away, and peppers kisses all over his face and neck. Mouthing at and paying special attention to the scar across his eye and the one on his chin. All the while, Johnny is writhing, scratching his nails against their scalp and back.

“Woah…..He breathes out panting.—Well yer pretty chipper this mornin’, aren’t ye?”, Soap says teasingly, a bit dazed, with a goofy smile that’s so wide that it hurts.

Simon chuckles. “Uh-huh, though I'd be even more “chipper” if we could eat first”, it suggests, just as breathless, smiling just as wide, and is just as dazed. Before finally coming to, and lifting off of Johnny entirely.

“Sounds like a plan”, Soap agrees, suddenly more eager, after he hears both their stomachs gurgling and growling.

…

The pair chow down on a bowl of some semi-burnt scrambled eggs each, and black toast with jam (how appetizing,—strawberry jam for Johnny, and grape for Simon). Neither of them really being able to cook for shit. (Most times defaulting to eating out somewhere, or microwaving some frozen dinners. Sometimes turning on a movie or a nature documentary to watch while (and after) they eat. Cuddling up to one another, full and content). The team effort they had made didn’t go well AT ALL, and it was one eventful shit show. Left them both laughing and shooting the shit the whole time, (which is probably why they fucked up so bad in the first place,—minus their almost non-existent culinary skills). Ghost was in charge of the eggs (because if they weren’t, they’d be even more burnt), and Soap was in charge of the toast (which he promptly forgot about of course).

The two had already downed a banana and an apple respectively, for a more balanced breakfast. Both the core and the peel still sitting somewhere on the kitchen table, having not been thrown away yet.

As they’re finishing up their drinks—Ghost finally pipes up after a long bit silence,—on a relatively quiet morning, at least for them.

“I think I get it now.”

“Git whot?”, Johnny slurs, as he speaks with his mouth full.

“That ya…Simon huffs a laugh at the slurred voice, and blushes. He takes the final sip of his tea, before placing it down on the table…Really, truly love me.”

Wow.

It actually said it.

“Mm-hm,—he swallows—and just how much do I love ye?”, Soap prods further, a mischievous grin on his face. He sets his fork down in his bowl of eggs, and puts his half-eaten toast back on their large, shared plate. (As they decided to consolidate, as to not have to wash so many dishes). (Not to mention, the bowls they’re eating out of are disposable).

Fockin’ Bastard.

“M-more than anything in the whole wide world…”, Ghost chokes out, avoiding Johnny’s gaze. Viciously taking a bite out of their toast.

Embarrassed as all hell, as it knows that it’s as red as a tomato at this point,—he can fucking feel it.

And he hates it, but somehow loves it, at the same time…

“That’s right. And who are ye?”

He raises an eyebrow, with that shit-eating grin still on his face.

“Simon Riley…Simon “Ghost” Riley.”

It corrects, before he can reprimand him. Shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly,—but with no malice or venom towards himself.

“Good boy. And don’t ye ever forget it”, Soap says, before simply turning his attention back to his food.

Ghost still pink, practically glowing at this point, with their pale skin not doing them any favors. They rub the back of their neck, before doing the same, trying to scarf it down as fast as possible. So it can excuse itself from the table,—as soon as possible.

…

The rest of day was spent in more bliss than ever before.

The couple’s bond having been forever strengthened and deepened,—from a seemingly ordinary weekend.

No longer would Simon harbor doubts about Johnny’s love for him. No longer would Ghost be afraid of being vulnerable or opening up around him.

It’s last reinforced concrete wall had been blown to smithereens, to hell and back, and here he was exposed in all his glorious beauty…

Soap be damned if he wouldn’t protect them with all he’s damn well got.

He’d be his life preserver when lost in the deep ocean and crashing waves of their own mind, own psyche. Be there for it when and wherever possible, drop everything, just to give him a mere pint of comfort. He could care less about them venting to him,—they could include all the specifics and gory details, and he wouldn’t even flinch. Simon would have his full attention, like he’s in debrief. Offering solace when and where he can,—in between listening like a dog with it’s ears perked up, at a noise that had caught it’s attention.

He’d watch it’s six,—always. Providing cover fire,—for their sake and their sake only,—he likes to make it’s job as easy as possible after all. Ghost’s own personal one-man clean up crew, aiming to save them from the exhaustion or stress. He’d butcher every last fucking tango, shadow,—every person who dare lay a finger on them. Johnny’d take a bullet through the head again,—just to save Simon and have the satisfaction of knowing he’d be okay,—that they would make it out alive at least.

He’d give his life up for him.

And Johnny damn well knows they would do the same, and then some. Possessiveness being one hell of a trait of it’s.

But now, there was no more walking on eggshells around him.

No more fear of crossing lines or boundaries. The two now harmonious in their radiant love.

~Fin.~

SOFTIE/SHY GHOST MY BELOVED

SOAP BEING THE BEST AT TAKING CARE OF HIS MANS MY BELOVED

I AM A PROUD SIMP OF THE WHOLE SOULMATES OR CHEESY ASS STAR CROSSED LOVERS TROPE SUE ME, I EAT THAT SHIT UPPP

I want to thank everyone for their support and stuff on this! I hope you’ve all enjoyed it, because I’ve certainly enjoyed writing it!! :

[one-abuse-survivor]

im recovering, slowly but its happening, snd its weird. i feel my emotions a lot stronger now, its been around 6 months since i left my parents' house and some days are great, i feel stronger and way more confident than i ever did there, i have an amazing job and i just love life. but there are days where everything is just too much, like today. every part of me hurts on the inside and im just tired. its like my heart aches and my chest has an emotional pain inside of it. my grandad died 4 years ago almost, and i feel like im finally getting the chance to grieve him. every day i miss him more and more and i just want him back. it feels like he died yesterday. my nanan died just over a year ago and i feel like im just processing shes gone. im grieving my grandparents, my parents(who they used to be before they abused me), and my (practically nonexistent) childhood all at once and it just hurts inside. its a hurt that makes me feel alive but i just want it to stop and leave me alone. im hoping this is a normal/regular thing people like me go through, and im also hoping it gets better soon. i know it wont in the near future, i feel all the memories coming back some days and i can only process one or two at a time, and it sometimes frustrates me because i want to get it over with, like ripping a bandaid off, but i just cant, and it has to be done step by step. i just miss my grandparents. a lot. im crying a lot more lately too, just feeling my emotions so much stronger since ive started to truly process my trauma. do they stay this strong or settle down? im triggered pretty easily, which, in time, i hope stops happening so easily. i know recovery is a hard road but im thankful and very grateful that i got the chance to start it so early in life. im 19, moved out at 18, and its a bit hard, just so thankful i have a good therapist 😂 sometimes i just get so angry at everything and want to just hurt myself to make the pain stop, or just feel like i do today, slow and tired and achy. i get the rare amazingly happy day, and make sure i enjoy it, dw hahah but idk i just wanted to vent/say this in hopes of hearing that other people are going through this too, and that im not alone

Hey, nonnie. I'm so glad to hear you're away from your parents and recovering from the abuse and trauma you endured. That's amazing, I'm really happy for you ❤️

Yes, in my experience, it is normal to experience these sort of shifts inside you, especially during the first few years of recovery. I personally also went through phases where I would cry almost daily, phases where my emotions seemed out of control, or where I randomly felt immense grief/anger/sadness/disgust. And I can tell you that, in my case, with the help of time and therapy, the bad days, which used to be frequent and leave me exhausted, have become rare and much more manageable. Now, 5 years into recovery, I can have a bad trauma moment (hell, I can even run into my mother) and still enjoy the rest of my day. And my emotions have become much more stable, too. I rarely feel like I'm not in control of them.

Obviously, not everything is easy or perfect. I still live with PTSD, and there's plenty of things I still need to keep working on, like being vulnerable and trusting others, but... The good days have definitely become the norm over time, instead of the exception. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I had a proper emotional flashback or ugly-cried from how overwhelmed I felt (knocking on wood, haha).

So, yes, nonnie, it does get better with time. Recovery isn't linear—I'm sure you've heard that already—but it does get better. Though there may be ups and downs, and you might go through completely unexpected lows as you process all your emotions, the tendency will be to move upwards, and, if you're anything like me, one day you'll wake up and realise you can't even remember the last time you ugly-cried or felt like the world was ending. You'll just be living your life.

You're doing amazingly! There might still be bad days ahead of you, but there are countless good days to come, too.

I hope you can find ways to safely express your anger with the help of your therapist, and I hope you have the space and tools to process some of your grief and trauma memories as they resurface.

Sending a big virtual hug ❤️

Oh, and if anyone else wants to reassure anon that they're not alone, feel free to do so!

[nerves-nebula]

"as fascinating as this is (and it is fascinating, i love to learn shit like this) it doesn't really help my situation. i am still daily ATTACKED by anxiety. my ptsd havin ass WILL have trouble breathing due to an emotional flashback once ever few hours. idk how to fix it and im very tireddd."

Not to be that person but, therapy with a GOOD therapist, and considering what ik about you so f a r, probably medication that is used to treat anxiety and depression at the same time that is considered "mild" cuz ur brain chemicals may like that better. (One like Zoloft!) (If my gut instinct rings true I'd bet actual money on other medications increasing irritability an unfortunate amount for you)

I dunno if this is pushing a boundary or anything sjdhsjdj psychology major go brrrrr

🫐

yknow its funny, one of the reasons i cant stand the idea of looking for a therapist is just how long it'll take to find a good one i can trust. it seems like an insurmountable obstacle and i ammmm so tireddd aguhausghg.

im on fluoxetine and it sorta helped with the most extreme symptoms my first year of college but boyyyyyy howdy do i still have Symptoms.

its fine its not like ur actually diagnosing me or giving me meds ur just suggesting things that COULD help.

[starfishinthedistance]

i have a question about your ptsd post (the one about how a lot of people have ptsd and don't realize it). (no pressure to answer this btw!! /gen. figured i'd ask bc you seem knowledgeable)

what if something traumatic happened but i literally don't remember the events themselves; only how i felt afterwards? could that mean i have ptsd? (i personally don't really think i do but i'm kind of confused about it so)

my memories really bad (maybe it's linked to the adhd? idk) and theres so much i don't remember at all or remember VERY vaguely, but my psychology prof said that your brain makes memories with strong emotions *more* memorable and vivid (hence nightmares and flashbacks and panic attacks as responses to severe trauma).

i guess i'm mainly confused about the distinction between symptoms of ptsd and how someone without ptsd reacts to reminders of trauma

Hiiii :)

So I obviously can't say for sure whether you have trauma/PTSD or not, or what it was if you do, but not being able to remember things is a part of PTSD, especially C-PTSD. As I said in the post, in the criteria there's "inability to recall key features of the trauma". But it's also common to not be able to remember a trauma at all, or only parts of it, and then for it to come back much later. That can be part of why someone might have the Delayed Specification (full criteria not met until at least 6 months until after the trauma). I myself have experience of not being able to remember a trauma that happen when I was 7-8 at all until it suddenly came back one night when I was 14.

If you dissociate (whether you have the Dissociative Specification of PTSD, or another dissociative disorder like DID or DPDR), it's likely you dissociated during those traumas, which prevents you from remembering things properly. That could be why you can't remember, because you could've been emotionally dissociated as well as sensually.

But it's also important to remember that while cortisol (the stress hormome that produces a lot during traumatic events) can enhance your memory of an event, or a specific part of it, prolonged exposure to cortisol can have the opposite effect and damage your memory of the event. The cortisol can impair the hippocampus' ability to recall memories. The longer you're exposed to it, the more risk you're at for not being able to remember the trauma well. This is why this kind of memory loss is very common in C-PTSD, because prolonged exposure to trauma is prolonged exposure to cortisol.

However the advice that I would give to you, and I think I've said this before but I'm not sure, is not to try to force your brain to remember. If you do have trauma, it will come back to you eventually. If you try to force it, you could trigger a severe flashback, panic attack or breakdown of some kind. Your brain will let you remember when its ready.

So you could have PTSD, just depends on how your experiences fit with the criteria.

And answering that last question is a little complicated because it depends on the person, some non-PTSD having trauma survivors don't react at all to being reminded, some experience emotional distress/physical reactivity but it doesn't last that long or have a big effect on their life. It depends on the person and their specific symptoms and experiences.

Hope that helps :)

[redxblueihateloveyou]

can you explain for dumb about haru and covering his eye in bed pls? &I love your posts ( ˘ ³˘)♥

Idk I've just seen quite a lot in animes when the "dark side" prevails over the "light one" or someone what I call "splits" or doesn't want to feel anymore, they show it like that.

Like for example in Hakkenden there was a dude, who lost part of himself (his shadow) and they were like yinyang shit, where roughly one was only the soft feelings part (he eventually only saw with the right eye) and the other was the dark ruthless part.

And it was also same with Akashi's eyes from KNB, when he turned into bokushi (I mean left one lit up).

And while there's not really explanation for why right eye is the "feelings" one and I saw some debated that maybe its the eye of the sun/eye of the moon thing, I think maybe it's because they call the right side of the brain the "emotional" one, while the left one is more about being rational (robotic, emotionless). So when the left becomes "main" it means someone shoved his emotions elsewhere (I'm guessing?) xD

And btw in some dramas too I've seen the right eye representing the soul and vulnerability (Idk why exactly again).

So after Rin lost and ran off and Haru couldn't find him, his not-resolved ptsd returned, so during the race with Albert he was vulnerable and he has those flashbacks to times when Rin left the 2nd time, that constantly haunt him that led to 4 years of depression. They show how Makoto couldn't help him and we see from Haru's memories that "Albert" is looming over him since these times already.

That's bc as we know Albert represents the "I don't want to feel" thing and apparenty "appears" when Haru's heart is in jeopardy (aka when Rin is gone or he's scared to lose him... shocking info lol). So we see little Haru is already "glitching", while missing his heartu (that red-haired one xD).

Glitch-glitch Akashi style.

Haru realizes that Rin is the "cure" during the race, he thinks of him and a clear drop of water appears among the black water Albert created:

and then Haru's able to break free from the "dark magic" (lmao) and finish the race.

Thats why later under the sakura Haru tells Rin "the feeling during the race with Albert scared me, but the reason I found the strength in me to keep fighting.. was you." (yeah, you can cry here).

That's why I said about the bed scene.. bc after the race when Rin avoids him and not in the hotel and Haru is scared that its this shit again, as he lays alone thinking about everything and after being exhausted by the Albert's dark water thingy, his hand covers his right eye (the feelings) and the right part of the room is in the dark.

Then Makoto interrupts Haru talking about Albert and how his swimming is not his swimming anymore bc he has to play with kids asap and when Haru is left "all alone", his right eye lights up with purple and Haru covers his left one and for a moment it seems like he "can't see" with the right one:

until its back to normal, when he gathers himself up thinking of something (-one? xD) as he turns in the direction of the sakura:

so he goes there to calm himself and remember what (who?) makes him happy when he swims. Tells Rin that he's his "cure" from Alberto and how needs him to be with him. And then Rin delivers a final blow and Haru's ptsd fully kicks in and he says everything he wanted to say for a while and goes "fuck this feelings shit" ("I don't want this anymore" xD), and then Rin leaves with Haru's heart...

bc they're both deaf, I guess T_T

I mean, in this case its all just a metaphor for stages of his feelings, thats all, bc that way its easier to be on the journey with him :)

as if we couldn't guess who's his drop in the ocean, a change in the weather, a rain in the desert lmao

So now he's gonna be emotionless patootie for a bit :(

P.S. I still laugh a lot about those arts where he puts on purple contacts just to piss him off, bc his favorite love of his life precious eyes that are Haru's soul are his weakness and Rin is like "ahhhh NO YOU DIDN'T" "YES I DID" xDDDD

P.P.S. They showed it like Rin really just took his heart a long time ago and didn't even fucking return. And now its only there when he is there lol. I mean, the audacity!!!

[sophieinwonderland]

this is gonna sound weird but do you have any tips for dealing with other headmate's emotions/trauma?

like, we're partially monoconcious or smt similar to that so basically our host feels/experiences the emotions of whoever's co con with him (as if the feelings are a fog around him but they arent Coming from him yknow)

we have one headmate with Really bad ptsd amd whenever he's co con our host is pretty much constantly surrounded by flashbacks but they aren't his flashbacks and none of us have any clue how to deal with this

feel free to ignore this idk if its actuakky smt you answer asks about

I'm really not experienced in this area. I do know that trying to block them out could further dissociative symptoms and might make things worse later on.

I think if your host is in a position where they can have a conversation with the headmate, they should try to offer support. Maybe try to visualize holding their hand in the headspace and talking them through it. (Or if you can, have them partially possess one of the body's hands, and hold it with the other. Partial possession handholding is surprisingly comforting for us.)

You might also want to look into techniques to help them process their experiences. I know writing has been shown to help deal with trauma.

It might be a good idea to consult systems with similar experiences too. Again, this really isn't something I'm experienced at dealing with. Good luck. I wish you the best. 💖

[mobblespsycho100]

REIGENREIGEN REIGEN HOLDS MICROPHONE TO UR FACE. UR THOUGHTS ON FROG SHOW FINALE PART 1

I HAVE LOTS OF THOUGHTS WOW.

a lot of mini nitpicks too so i shall say it now:

1. hate hate hate how Mr. X or whatever his title was just showed up and is like good now! helping the gang now! cuz on one hand Damn Mrs. & Mr. Boonchuy musta rlly beat him up (verbally) but also Why ? Is the ? FBI dude who literally harassed a 13 y/o and a family like. just basically excused bcuz hes good now i guess. like.. he didnt apologize or anything hes just helping them now? alright

2. i wisheddd Sash and Anne said "we're sorry" to Marcy when she was unconscious instead of "we forgive you" ? because like. idk i think they shouldve said sorry or give an apology too for basically ignoring their friend's interests like. hi guys ik it was fucked up she got you mixed up in the frog mess but Can't You Guys At Least Say Sorry she was STABBED and POSSESSED for goodness sake.

3. uhhh i think the plantars shouldnt have gotten over the heron trauma ptsd thing that quickly after one talk from Anne but i find it really sweet that they consider the Boonchuys their family so i forgive them TvT

NOOWWWW FOR THE GOOD THINGS: BASICALLY EVERYTHING ELSE. i LOVED the fight scenes ??? THE ABSOLUTE FLUIDITY OF THE MOVEMENTS. THE EMOTIONS WHEN ANNE WAS PUNCHIN ANDRIAS AND USING UP HER STRENGTH and like THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF LA cheering for her was just so sweet, The Darcy Sasha Grimes fight was so fun (i love. scythes.) AND SO FUCKED UP and i love it so much

THE MARCY IN THE MINDSCAPE SCENE LIVING HER FANTASY DREAMS AND THEN REALIZING "oh this isnt real" BECAUSE HER FRIENDS WOULDNT REALLY DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS IS SO SO 😭😭😭 BUT ALSO LIKE. YEAH THOSE FAKE ANNE AND SASHA WERE SO UNCANNY?? n i like how she essentially didnt move like she didnt explore her surroundings she was like. trapped like symbolized stasis somethin somethin unreal scenario AUGHDHGS made me feel things mannn (and that andrias flashback with marcy in the pocket and her happy theme made me T__T)

I find the overall pacing pretty good and I like how each scenes cut when it was getting exciting but also just showing what was going on in subplot A. B. C. like I enjoyed that I think!! It didnt feel like it dragged on too long but it also kept the suspense going which is a great thing when the episode is like 40 mins long . Like the scenes just flowed well imo!!!

I love The Boonchuys so much btw they r my everything. I love how everyone got their own like moment while fighting like its so good.

Also that ending was just so .... AUGEHSHGDHD HRGRHGRHAHSH cant wait for the finale

gosh. frog show. amiright

[rigginsstreet]

Tell me about the symptoms of ptsd that fp shows

wish i had the gifset i was looking at earlier that brought all this up lmao but anyway google is free SO

agitation, irritability, hostility, self destructive behavior.... self explanatory we have visual canon proof of all those things. self isolation... like sending your son to go live with your best friend bc you dont think youre good enough to raise him (which to be fair he is not but also his sons shitty so idk whos winning that battle for rightness but whatever) ALSO im willing to bet if we saw the actual downfall of his and gladys’ marriage we wouldve seen his attempts at pushing her away much like how he was with fred in 107 at the jailhouse (not saying hed be physical with her but like... idk the mind wanders sometimes i cannot lie but mentally hed be in the same space) ALSO theres the alleged matter of the flashback where we see fp (along with everyone else but sh we’re focusing on fp right now) isolating himself from the group which i mean really him cutting ties with everyone who is not fred makes sense cuz they werent friends to begin with but (and idc what r*s wanted us to believe) he and fred were absolutely friends prior so THAT particular relationship is what needs to be focused on because fp pushing himself away from fred actually means something in this context.

emotional detachment is another could-be symptom... as i have also discussed via is reactions to freds death + his alcoholism which always either goes one of two ways: we see him drinking to numb the emotions or we see the drinking enhancing them (and of course all this ties back into self destructive behavior)

now for this part... i want to make it VERY clear that i absolutely do not condone riverdales writing.... i think we’re all aware of that here but lest this post get in the hands of outsiders lmao... just wanna make it clear. and they absolutely are not thinking this deeply... about anything.... but especially about fp... but like if i were the one taking charge of this storyline with whats already been written... this is how i would explain things:

so lost of interest or pleasure in activities can also be a symptom of ptsd and at first i was like eh i dont know if i really see anything in canon that backs this up BUT then i remembered fps constant flip flopping about the serpents and how he was all set up to have this cushy life on the north side only to later go back to the serpents (i guess? i still dont know whats hes doing) and particularly that stupid ass scene with archie at pops talking about how he missed ... street fighting... i guess.... anyway i say all this to say that it doesnt directly fit into “loss of interests” but i think its worth noting how he never seems to be satisfied (which... i know is 100% just inconsistent writing. i get that yes we know but i also think theres some truth to be dug out from that bc uhhhh i can do whatever i want thank you) but once again this also ties back into self destructive behavior because of course fp cannot just leave things alone when hes got it good he has this raging boner to fuck everything up at all times

ALSOOOOOO

why was it so easy for clifford to get fp on board with dumping jasons body ??? jughead wasnt threatened until fp was already arrested like WHAT fucking hold did clifford have over him ?? other than the fact that he was a man with much more power than fp and im not saying that couldve possibly triggered some twisted need to go along with him to like... appease him but... i dont know. im not a psychiatrist. (also again i know lazy writing but shhhh im on a roll)

heightened reactions... his fucking temper tantrums and outbursts... yea so theres that

fear/severe anxiety all i can think about is how in 302 when they were all confronted about g&g he had such an intense look on his face compared to everyone else WHICH I STILL WANT ANSWERS FOR but also i just gave myself one. youre welcome me (also ties in to heightened reactions)

did i mention depression? that bitch is clearly depressed and anyone who says he isnt is a liar or has never seen a depressed person

OH AND WE CAN ALSO TALK ABOUT THE SCENE WHERE HE ACTUALLY TELLS JUGHEAD WHAT AN ABUSIVE PRICK SENIOR WAS AND HOW HE LOOKED STILL VISIBLY SHAKEN WHILST THINKING BACK ON THAT TIME

insomnia/nightmares are also symptoms and while we have no canon proof he suffers either of those.... has that man ever looked well rested in his life? no. i rest my case.

[ellemcu]

Chapter 7

Words: 1584

Warnings: swearing

***********

You quietly groaned as your eyes fluttered open. There was a hard pounding in your head and your whole body was aching and burning. You slowly lifted your wrist only to be stopped by some chains. You quickly raised your head from the bed you were lying in, trying desperately to get off it. Your arms and legs had been strapped onto the floor and you were dressed in your black sports bra and your matching black shorts.

You started panicking, not remembering how you’d gotten here and what was going to happen. Flashbacks of old memories as a kid in HYDRA flooded your mind, drowning your every other thought. As a kid, you would often wake up in a room just like this. Handlers coming in the room and torturing you in all sorts of ways.

You whimpered quietly while you tried to get up from the bed, your whole body aching. You slowly stood up, the chains on your wrists starting to dig deep into your skin. You felt slightly lightheaded but you kept blinking it off, not trusting your surroundings. Your knees buckled and you crashed on the ground with a thud.

You were panting on the floor, slowly moving into a sitting position against the metal leg of your bed. You breathed heavily, trying not to fall unconscious.

After a while, your body started shaking violently. It had already happened at HYDRA after your body had gone through too much for it to handle which meant days of training non-stop.

It was very inconvenient because this was the most vulnerable position you had ever found yourself in and you couldn’t bring yourself to stop. You lied down on the floor rocking yourself at a slow pace to stop yourself from shaking even more. Your breaths became uneven and you didn’t know how to stop.

After what seemed like hours of shaking the bolted door flew open and three men with white lab coats walked in, each carrying silver cases in their hands. You had horrible memories with scientists. Doctors had always taken their anger out on you, torturing you after you fell unconscious several times in a row, pushing your body over the edge after a brainwash, just because I couldn’t fight back.

You eyed them very closely, still shaking violently, while they came closer to you. Without saying a word they started taking out their shiny suitcases, long needles. You shook your head, trying desperately to back away from them. One of them grabbed your ankles, trying to stop you from shaking and another one grabbed the chain that was tied to your wrist, tugging at it harshly. You winced in pain “No” you whimpered, while another man had wrapped his hand around your throat. “ Please.” you whispered desperately, fighting against the man’s pull. “No…… no……. please…… no…… please…...stop” you begged, a tear falling from your eye. “Stop.” you whimper, not having enough energy to fight back.

The scientist was about to take a blood sample from you when a loud voice spoke. You were too busy being choked by one of the doctors to actually hear it but the doctor froze in his spot. “Hey dumb ass you heard her. Back off.” the male voice shouted. Two of the doctors immediately got up but the one choking you still kept his tight grip on your neck. “ You really sure you wanna do that? Huh?”: The man swallowed slowly and stood up, they grabbed their things and left the room in a hurry.

You breathed in quickly, your lungs finally getting fresh air. You coughed loudly and rubbed your hands on your wrists, trying to ease the pain. A tall man walked into the room after they were all gone. A tall man that you immediately recognized: James. You crawled as far away as your body and chains let you, trying to gain control over your body again.

He slowly walked towards you with his hands raised, showing that he wasn’t armed although you weren’t gonna fall for that trap again.

You closed your eyes, concentrating on your uneven breaths. After a few seconds you opened your eyes again, only to find yourself in a small room, surrounded by tall, black walls. You finally felt at peace, your body no longer aching, no more shaking. You felt your body completely freeze (idk it's like a coma but you’re in a different place its like your inside your mind. Idek if it makes sense. Stranger things for reference.) You calmed your panted breaths and regained your brain’s control.

You woke up with a jolt. James' face was covered with a confused look. “What have you done?” you snarled. “Listen, I know what you’ve been through but-” he answered calmly, but you quickly interrupted him, scoffing at his words. “ Boy, you have no fucking clue.” you mumbled. “Listen Y/n you may not know who I am because they never made us meet. They were too afraid. We would have been unstoppable together” he replied, closing his eyes as if he was trying to forget something. “ Uh uh. Sure. I’ll take that.” you answered back, not wanting to piss him off because this was the longest conversation you had ever held with someone and you were dying to see where it was going to end. “If you’re going to hurt me, could you please use one of the first 12 methods, I’m really tired of counting new ways to torture me after 1682.” you whispered knowing that HYDRA handlers couldn’t care less but what you didn’t know was that with Bucky’s super-hearing he had heard every single word and his heart broke.

As the Winter Soldier he had heard so much about you. They constantly compared her to him which amazed him greatly, he had heard that she was unbeatable, unpredictable and impossibly well trained. No one survived your missions. Ever. He had also found out that HYDRA’s men took pleasure from touting her, brain washing her and training her for hours non stop until she would faint 6 / 7 times. They forced her to go unconscious to take advantage of her. He was absolutely disgusted.

He had been through a lot and getting out of that infinite hole had been extremely hard but you had been through way more and for a longer period of time, getting out of it alive was going to be a hard challenge.

“What do you mean?” he questioned gruffly, determined to not show too many emotions, knowing you were able to manipulate any living thing. You didn’t say anything back, scared for your own safety, knowing too well a harsh beating would be coming soon. “You are going to stay here,” he announces. “And I’m going to help you.” You looked at him with wide eyes. Sometimes the moment in which after 20 years you were finally going to be free. Finally eat a full meal, walk outside, drink water without having to worry if its poisoned or not. That thought had ran across your mind a few times, briefly though before being cut off and silenced by brainwashing.

You scoffed silently “Yeah sure why would you wanna do that huh? Why would you wanna help a fucked up, high-skilled assassin like me?"You looked straight into his steel blue eyes. “ Because why not? I mean we’re all messed up here. What difference will one more fucked up person make?” He answered back, offering his hand out to you to help you stand.

You quickly stood up but lost your balance so you ended up putting your whole weight on the nearest wall. “What did you put in me?” you whispered, more to yourself rather than him. “It's to help you with all the drugs they fed you. It's supposed to bring back your strength.” He shrugged. “This burns like hell.” you whimpered, stretching your numb legs. You wiggled your wrists, showing him the chains you were still tied to. He nodded and the chains crumbled to the ground. You both made your way out of the room and found yourself walking across an empty corridor. “What's up with everything?” you questioned, not understanding why the corridor was so homey-looking. “Oh, don’t worry we just thought you’d wanna be with someone you trust at first and… um I guess as I’ve been in a similar situation, I wanted to help you too”. He answered calmly. You looked at him deeply “I guess they’re all fucking terrified of me aren't they?” He didn’t answer you. “Well I wouldn’t blame them” you mumble under your breath. “And um what makes you think I trust you?” You question with a cold stare. “Why aren’t you scared of me?” you questioned quietly.

The man walking beside you was different. His way of thinking amazed you. It was different. He didn’t see you as a poor captured girl, a very mentally unstable woman with a very insane mind. Not a girl with severe PTSD and anxiety nor a highly trained assassin with no backstory except HYDRA.

“Nothing scares me anymore. Besides I don’t see why I should be afraid of you:” He answered slowly, a small smirk making its way on your face.

"We'll see about the trust thing dude"

**************

I am truly so sorry that I've kept you waiting for so long. A lot has happened and I really couldn't keep on writing. I've missed it tho lol. I hope this makes up for it. This wasn't exactly what I was going for but I don't really hate it so I'll just go with the flow and idk we'll see. Oh and if you have any suggestion for what could happen please don't hesitate to text me!!!

Elle

[booksanditsseriesormovies]

GX Month Day 5

September 4th: “Pass The Salt” 

No story is perfect. So what is something you wish you could have seen in the story of GX?

Oh boy where do I start

While I love GX there are quite a few things a would have done differently.

The case of Daichi Misawa

We are all more than familiar with Misawa and his fall from grace, from one of Judai’s potential top rivals, to a recurring joke even for the other characters (”Oh, Misawa, you’re here”). I get it, GX has a HUGE cast, like seriously huge. And we went from having 5 to 7 important characters in DM to around 15 in GX. Not everyone was going to survive the chopping block. Another victim of this was Hayato, but he was gone so soon (and with dignity) I didn’t really mind it. But Misawa’s case in S2 and S3 is just sad. I wish they could have done something better for him. At least he helped everyone get back from the other dimension and got Tanya in the end.

Johan vs Hell Kaiser Ryo

So, I don’t think I am the only one who thinks the duel between Ryo and Yubel (Possessing Johan) is one of the best if not the best in all of GX. It’s absolutely mind blowing. 

But I think that the duel between Ryo and Johan in the first arc of S3 to bring everyone back from the other dimension is one that goes under a lot of people’s radars. Call me biased because Johan is my favorite GX character, but I was really digging that duel. Like even without Rainbow Dragon, Johan was putting up a serious fight against Ryo with the way he used the Crystal Beasts. So I am forever salty that they could never revisit this duel (vs actual Johan, not Yubel). 

I get it, this duel served more as a preview for what was to come when we saw they would duel again. And Johan was barely in S4 and Ryo could hardly duel anymore given his heart condition. But for Ryo to have said that Johan had been the only one besides Judai to make him feel excited in a duel and who could have Judai’s unlimited potential...I think it would have been very very fun and exciting to watch, specially with Rainbow Dragon.

“Everyone’s dead....JUST KIDDING”

I know it’s a kids’ show, and it would have been extremely tough to follow another season without like 3/4 of the cast. But having everyone come back alive from the Hell Dimension felt like a bit of a cheap move that also makes some of Judai’s character development lose some significance. 

So everything he went through from the moment his friend’s died (becoming the Supreme King out of pure helplessness and desire for revenge, then coming back from that with a terrible, terrible case of PTSD basically leaving him unable to duel, coming to terms with everything he had done and learning to use the strength of the Supreme King without letting it overtake him), it was all for nothing? Then all the people the Supreme King killed are alive and well?

It also takes merit from the other characters’ themselves and the circumstances of their deaths. Kenzan, Manjoume, Asuka and Fubuki being sacrificed, victims treated as collateral damage to create a super powerful card, right in front of a collapsing Judai as their hearts were corrupted too. Jim and O’Brien (the two most emotional deaths in S3 for me), who sacrificed themselves to bring Judai back and bury the Supreme King away. Edo, who sacrificed himself to try and save Echo (who gave her life away for someone who took advantage of her feelings), and Ryo, who even though he said was only looking for the ultimate opponent, tried until the last minute in the duel to separate Yubel and Johan. Hell, Ryo basically died twice (because of his heart failure and losing the duel), yet he survived. 

As I said, I know the show would have been extremely hard to keep going. But it took away from the serious, dark story S3 was becoming. It takes away from Judai, and the ones who died because they all came back brand new. 

Reincarnation

It’s not that I didn’t like it, Reincarnation is a trope that I LOVE. But in GX we literally got it dropped on us out of absolutely nowhere. We literally had no clue Judai could have had a past life and that’s where his story with Yubel came from. 

Like idk, maybe some flashbacks or random shots of the Supreme King’s backstory (which wouldn’t make sense until we find out it’s Judai and would have made it pretty cool) would have made it better, IMO. 

PTSD? Only Judai can relate

Another thing that I found weird was how quickly everyone got over what happened in the Hell Dimension except for Judai. We can see he is depressed and dealing with the aftermath of what S3 did to him. But what about everyone else? Weren’t they supposed to be in like a dimension of pain and suffering even if they were alive? I am glad so many main characters got their time to shine in S4, but, as we wrapped each story, a nod to what happened to them in S3 would have been nice. It’s all part of the process of growing up, too, learning to deal and cope with out most painful moments.

S4: “Overseas champions? I don’t know them”

Yeah, so given the HUGE (LIKE REALLY HUGE) role the Overseas Champions played in S3, barely seeing them in S4 was a bit of a whiplash. I am glad we got O’Brien dueling Mr. T and him playing with his mind with false memories was heartbreaking yet super interesting to watch. But we got literally no Jim and Karen, at all. The guy gave his life and his supernatural eye to try to bring Judai back. I had hoped we would have at least seen some of him in S4. We literally have no idea what the hell happened to Amon, my theory is that he stayed in that other dimension to build his perfect world and become its Monarch. But we literally have no clue about what became of him. And did Echo come back, too? Is she with Amon in the other dimension?

And then we have Johan. Considering Judai went to basically Hell to rescue him, I thought we would see a bit more of him in S4. Like at least bidding each other farewell? You know “Thanks for rescuing my soul from my card and saving me from your eternal guardian who was corrupted by evil and almost ended the Universe as we know it”? No? Okay then. I am so so glad we got him in that Battle Royale against Fujiwara tho, that kind of made up for it :)

Edo’s fate

From the start we know Edo is one of those characters that know they are fucking amazing at what they do and make a point of it. He is at the top of the food chain. The young pro duelist, talented beyond his years (for Pegasus to say he was just below Yugi, Kaiba and Joey?!), rich, refined, confident and a bit arrogant. 

Then how is it that the last we see of him is receiving a direct attack from Ojama Yellow straight to the face? I know Manjoume was meant to win this duel, but it would have been great to see him summon Plasma and that Manjoume had summoned Armored Dragon, or maybe using the Ojamas with the Spell Cards to banish monsters from the field or to summon Ojama King. Like Edo didn’t even want to duel, it was all a scam from his former manager and they still made him go out like that :( I wanted a more epic goodbye duel for our Edo tbh.

Then again, I am biased because Edo is my second favorite character in GX.

Season 4 rushing

5D is very cool and all....BUT WHY DID THEY HAVE TO CUT GX SHORT FOR IT. 

S4 is so obviously rushed and for me it Darkness was a bit of an underwhelming villain after the AMAZING villain that Yubel was for S3. Fujiwara just popped out of nowhere and we got no development of him in comparison to Yubel or even Saio (I won’t say that of Mr. Chairman because he literally popped out of nowhere in S1). 

I just wished we had gotten a proper, full S4. More GX to fawn over.

Wow that was a lot of salt now I sound like I hater but I promise I love GX as much as Manjoume loves Asuka (lol).

[quillyfied]

Mega Good Omens Fic Rec Post 1

OH BOY Y’ALL IT’S HERE

This is the first string of fics I would wholeheartedly recommend from my bookmarks (probably first of three, we’ll see). There are 65 fics sorted into 9 categories: Jaunts Through History/Canon; South Downs; Post-Apocalypse; Bus Ride/Night Before/Heaven and Hell; AU/UA (UA is Universe Alternate, where everything is the same, just...a bit to the left. I feel like that term has more nuance, idk); Soft; Touch-Starved/Body Worship/Wings; Bonus; H/C /Whump/BAMF. These will be the same categories for every fic rec post in this vein. I try to include warnings for sex and gore, if applicable, but please check the tags of each fic before you read, just in case.

Mega GOmens Fic Rec Post MASTER

PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF I BROKE A LINK OR MISATTRIBUTED SOMETHING.

I don’t read explicit works and I’m not a big fan of Human!AUs so there’s not any of those, but there’s a bit of just about everything else. Please enjoy! Hope the ReadMore works, sorry for folks on mobile if it doesn’t!

JAUNTS THROUGH HISTORY/CANON

1. Bright With His Splendour – Daegaer (T, specifically book-verse. This is an exquisite look at the developments in Crowley himself, especially as it relates to his war-related traumas in the War in Heaven and later WWI. The Arrangement is Aziraphale’s idea here, which is awesome. Highly emotional and visceral.)

2. Whatever Road We Choose – @ri-writing (T, the one where Aziraphale gets jumped by some demons and Crowley nurses him back to health, and Aziraphale has to confront his worldview when he realizes Heaven never responded to his call for help. Quiet and powerful as Aziraphale starts to realize Crowley isn’t everything he thought he was and maybe Heaven isn’t, either.)

3. Linked – @chekhov (T, the one where Crowley shows up in Bukhara and Aziraphale has to pretend to capture him so his angel intern doesn’t destroy Crowley entirely. Has a lot of fun moments and emotional growth in play. And yearning. Lots and lots of yearning.)

4. The Demon Favourite – @kanna-ophelia (T, the one where Crowley is posing as a nobleman and manages to build himself a little ramshackle family, and Aziraphale takes care of them when Crowley gets himself discorporated. Extremely tender, lots of Crowley cooing over babies.)

5. Akashic Records – @penig (Generally G, one T, the series where Crowley is head-over-heels from the start and broadcasts it loudly, and Aziraphale is in Panic Protective Mode. The series is gorgeous and vibrant, the characterizations are so spot-on and yet fresh, the dialogue is perfect, the character growth is delicious. I can’t gush enough about this one.)

6. But The Old Love Was Not So – BuggreAlleThis (G, the one written in the style of Le Morte d’Arthur about Aziraphale’s final few days in the court of King Arthur. Hilarious with the promise of emotional pain to come in the second half.)

7. flightless bird (dumb, wild, and free) – JennaCupcakes (@veganthranduil) (T, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale make out for half of history while Aziraphale has an ongoing existential crisis about being a broken angel. Poignant, sensual, culminates in a deliciously fraught confrontation where Aziraphale has to finally sort himself out and Crowley says some hard but true things. I once spent three hours trying to find this fic again without remembering the title so now it’s kinda ingrained.)

8. Nanny Knows Best – @patricianandclerk (M, rest of series is T, the one where Crowley endures some truly horrible experiences while serving as Warlock’s nanny. Adorable relationship between Warlock and Crowley, and it’s only getting better. The dynamic with Aziraphale is nuanced and beautiful. Rating for sexual harassment and groping, and it’s a bit of a difficult read at times during those moments, so be careful.)

9. The Holy Essence of Experience – Dragonsquill (T, the one where Aziraphale and Crowley have loved each other almost since the beginning, but have been very careful to not put a name to it. The yearning is real and so gorgeous. The scene just before they come up with their plan to avert Armageddon haunts me.)

10. The Arrangement – @writeonclara (T, the one where Aziraphale and Crowley try to get a handle on this sex thing. Non-explicit, hilarious, and unique! I can only assume the rating will probably be going up, which makes me sad because it’s hard to find nonexplicit fics that still deal with what sex brings to a relationship, but what’s written for now is well worth it.)

11. And After – @randomacts13 (T, the series where Crowley and Aziraphale work through their self-worth and have lots of flashbacks. The first one involves Crowley taking care of a seed that keeps dying and leaving another seed behind, which is not at all feeding into his self-hatred; the second has Crowley and Warlock gluing coins to the sidewalk; the third is about Aziraphale on a one-way flight to Complete Mental Breakdown if he doesn’t get some help for his anxiety and repressed emotions soon.)

12. The road to rapture has a lot of pit stops – emmagrant01 (E but only for the sixth chapter, the one where Aziraphale and Crowley have shared five kisses throughout history and one where they meant it. People like me who don’t like explicit material can skip Chapter 6 (or just read until they smooch) and go straight to the epilogue. The rest of it is amazing; every kiss is believable in context and has such good lead-up. Very romantic, very good.)

13. Round and Round the Garden – SanSanFanFan (G, the one where Brother Francis and Nanny Ashtoreth get up to some hanky-panky beneath a willow tree while Warlock sleeps in his pram. Just sweet and silly fluff.)

14. Flecks of Light and Dark – volunteerfd (T, the one where Aziraphale learns to deal with his emotions. Has a really beautiful recurring thing of Crowley and Aziraphale making up stories of who they’d be if they were human, and Aziraphale doing his best to do good and help even when Heaven ties his hands.)

15. Before the Water Rises – VitreousHumor (T, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale become friends while helping a village make rafts to escape the Flood. Has a lot of really cute moments and some pretty exquisite romantic tension.)

16. Beneath the Stars – @brooklynbabybucky (G, the one where Crowley asks Aziraphale to cut his hair. Just has some really lovely imagery and a sweet bonding moment.)

17. lit in the darkness – @toedenandbackagain (M, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale share a bed sometimes throughout history. Warnings for some sexual content in chapters 7 and 14, but each chapter has its own warnings in the description. Presents some beautiful bonding moments and the absolute finest pining known to man.)

 SOUTH DOWNS

18. The Play’s the Thing – volunteerfd (G, the one where Aziraphale is cast in the local production of Hamlet and Crowley is trying his best to be supportive of his truly awful actor husband. Hilarious and light and absolutely a classic.)

19. Parsley, Thyme, Sage, Daffodils – @mostweakhamlets (NR, the one where Aziraphale has a cooking YouTube channel and Crowley is camera-shy. Tackles PTSD in a really thoughtful way and is Peak Soft Cottage Husbands aesthetic, it really packs in the most warm fuzzies in a small package.)

20. to carthage then i came – @lvslie (T, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale move to the South Downs and learn to work through their issues around being together and being their own people after cutting ties with Heaven and Hell. Poetic, poignant, the last chapter is a thing of absolute beauty. Very heavily symbolic, that one.)

21. A Better Place for Us to Be – @befuddledmackem (T, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale tour a particular cottage. Deeply emotional, the Absolute Best Real Estate Pr0n if you also secretly watch HGTV and weep, has completely ruined any future house-buying opportunity I might have because nothing will be this sweet and perfect.)

22. Something We Were Withholding Made Us Weak – trieduntrue (M, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale move to the South Downs and very carefully orbit into something more like a relationship. Exquisite tension, beautifully-done pining and slow-burn, really fun bits of world building. M is for a sex scene at the very end but it’s easy to skip over, it’s small.)

23. reasons wretched and divine – @stammiviktor (T, the one where Crowley storms out after a fight and finds himself in an actual conversation with God. Highly emotional and a great look into Crowley’s head, both in how he feels about God and how he feels about Aziraphale.)

24. The Sprawl of Life – @dietraumerei (T and G, the series where Crowley and Aziraphale settle into village life quite well. Has sex-positive asexual characters, which is fun (brief note about that: it’s not explicit, but the places it happens, there is clear leadup and it can get a bit intense, so take care of yourselves). Has touches of angst that balance beautifully with the fluff, lots of BAMF Aziraphale for the soul.)

25. Seashells and Fingerpainting – Vagabond (@waffleironbiddingwar) (T, and I recommend this one specifically from the series, can be read independently: the one where Gabriel is sent to the South Downs for a time out. This is quite possibly the best Gabriel character study I have ever seen; it’s tender and heartbreaking and somehow you find yourself rooting for Gabriel to figure out why he’s being punished despite yourself. All the warm fuzzies. All of them. Read the whole series, it’s great!)

 POST-APOCALYPSE

26. Laugh When It Sinks In – @tenoko1 (G, the one where Crowley helps Aziraphale build a home in the bookshop flat. Another one that feeds right into my interior decorating itch. So sweet and uplifting, will absolutely make you feel proud of Aziraphale.)

27. Chosen and Unchosen – Bookwormgal (T, the one where the kids have to go save Aziraphale and Crowley from Heaven and Hell. Has some EXCELLENT Warlock characterization and some really good tension between him and Adam, and the angst is properly upsetting. A right good adventure romp that’s really starting to ramp up.)

28. Resonance – Macx (T, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale become something Else. Good world building, beautiful romance, and Gabriel getting told off. Love how Crowley and Aziraphale growing into their new roles is handled, and how Adam unexpectedly ties in at the end.)

29. Falling Heavenward – @kanna-ophelia (T, the one where Crowley unexpectedly has to win his angel back because of a really twisty deal with Heaven. This one is a pretty wild ride, but I would say the centerpiece is Fallen Gabriel, who becomes Asmodeus. It becomes a battle for Aziraphale’s heart, though Asmodeus isn’t in it for the feels so much as the revenge, obviously. Really interesting premise and something to read if rooting for Crowley is a way you like to spend your time.)

30. A Leisurely Stroll Down – Saturniidae (@Saturniiddae) (M, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale have to fight for their relationship. Has some sexual content that isn’t explicit, and gore that really sort of is. I have thrown things and cried a little at this one, but that was the price for reading while it was still updating. Absolutely gorgeous in every way. Also has God speaking through a household object and it’s hilarious.)

31. From God’s Perspective – Unfortunately (T, the one where God comes down personally to interfere in Her children’s business. The absolute best portrayal of God in any fic ever, really humanizes her in the best ways. I love how she interacts with her angel and demon children. It’s almost more of a character study of God than anything. And yes, the Sound of Music is sung.)

 BUS RIDE/NIGHT BEFORE/HEAVEN AND HELL

32. Worth Knowing – summersage (T, the one where Aziraphale and Crowley discuss the Fall and manage Miltonian angel sex despite it. Has a take on how the Fall works that I was thinking about but couldn’t find words for until this fic, and it’s absolutely fantastic. The Miltonian angel sex is esoteric and weird and not at all erotic, but it is beautiful. The mortifying ordeal of being KNOWN indeed.)

33. Legendary Lovers; Your Hand in Mine – @tenoko1 (G, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale regroup in a hotel instead of his flat and have a bit of a knock-down-drag-out. Crowley is angry and scared and so in love he can’t stand it, and Aziraphale is practically going at light speed in confronting and knocking down his own barriers, and it’s highly emotionally charged and wonderful.)

 AU/UA

34. Love of My Life – @ellewrites4 (T, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale get together very early and make it work all throughout history. Gorgeous romance, and the fallout from the Holy Water caper and the bandstand breakup are EXQUISITE. Peak emotional turmoil, sweet boundary negotiation, forgiveness and love and anxiety and fear—just delicious.)

35. True Love and High Adventure – @grifalinas (T, the one that’s a Princess Bride au. Absolutely on-point casting, wonderful writing style, the perfect escape fic for a little while. Incomplete but still worth the read.)

36. Inverse Omens – @amuseoffyre (T, the one where Aziraphale is a demon with a p0_rn shop and Crowley is an angel running a community center from a bombed-out church. Y’all recommended this to me on my demon!Aziraphale rating post, and it’s AMAZING. Perfect characterization and a wonderful retelling. Warning for Chapters 11 and 12, Aziraphale’s Nanny Ashtoreth messes with the Dowling parents in far more direct ways and there’s scenes of Mr. Dowling jerking it, so take care, friendos. Also Aziraphale makes the filthiest double entendres and it’s delightful. Also also Crowley needs all the hugs.)

37. A Blaze of Light – @wingedspirit (T, the one where Crowley is Raphael and he and Aziraphale make a Pact instead of an Arrangement. This one is a wild adventure, friends, and a riveting one. The Pact puts an interesting spin on their developing relationship, and by the time it gets to TV canon, it’s already off the rails in the best ways. Also Crowley has some pretty heavy depression that manifests in his former Archangel-level powers blowing up a bit, which is cool. Should be wrapping up soon and I’m pumped for it!)

38. it’s high time that you love me, cause you do it so well – mygalfriday (T, the one where Crowley can’t physically say the word “love” but can diddly dang well show it if he wants. Already super sweet but the confession scene at the end is just incredible.)

39. Hold the Line – sum_nemo (T, the one that’s a Pacific Rim AU. I adore PacRim, you guys, and this one is just *chef’s kiss*. Puts Crowley as Raleigh (lost his twin sister copilot) and Aziraphale as Mako and includes a pretty painful shared past between them, which is already simmering and delicious. Can’t wait to see where this one goes.)

40. The Truth Remains – @wanderingalicewrites (NR, the one where Crowley was Raphael, had a good relationship with his siblings, was in love with Aziraphale, and knew he was destined to Fall. Aziraphale is still in mourning for Raphael and Crowley is still working out the point of his existence, so there’s some very good pining and existential dread up in the mix. A highly interesting take on the situation and very, very good at punching you in the feels with the flashbacks to Heaven and how different things are now, especially with the other Archangels. LOL it just updated while I was writing this and I am UNDONE, I am in PAIN, the bandstand scene always hurts but NOT LIKE THIS. ALSO MORE ARCHANGEL FEELS, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN)

41. Everything Dark and Unseen – @enjambament (M, the one that’s a Psyche and Eros retelling. After the Fall but before Eden, Heaven and Hell need a truce, so they marry Crowley and Aziraphale to keep the peace in a symbolic sort of binding. A beautiful romance, an excellent action sequence, the cutest OC creatures, the best OC angels, and I wish there was a continuation of how canon progressed with this monumental change in their history bc I am THIRSTY for more. Rated M for a kinda-sorta sexy scene but there’s not really Efforts sooo…it’s more sensual than sexual? I guess? Either way, highly recommended.)

42. The Name of the Star is Wormwood – LusBeatha (T, the one where Crowley was Raphael and the Fruit of Knowledge of Good and Evil was a fly agaric mushroom. It is exactly as eccentric as it sounds, but presented in such a way that it actually makes sense. It jumps around in time, but the storyline taking place in the present is looking like Armageddon 2.0. Beautifully written, great take on canon.)

43. Sticks and Stones – @justkeeptrekkin (T, the one where Crowley takes on the guise of Casanova while trying to get over Aziraphale and Aziraphale shows up, whoops. GORGEOUS imagery, the most scrumptious pining, and if y’all appreciated the 2005 Pride and Prejudice dance scene, the one in here will about blow that one out of the water, if you can believe it. Knocked the breath right out of me.)

44. Yearning to Hold You Close – @guanin (T, the one where Aziraphale has a relationship with King Richard and asks Crowley to help save him, and there is a big sticky mess of feelings when they realize Richard and Crowley look almost exactly alike. In part inspired by David Tennant playing Richard II. A delicious, delicious emotional quandary where Crowley and Richard both wonder if Aziraphale only loves them because they look like each other, and Aziraphale doesn’t know how to say what he feels. Very sweet, very emotionally fraught.)

 SOFT

45. Just This Once – @julia-writes-fanfic (T, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale kiss in the 90s and it’s amazing. The drunk 90s kiss is already good, but them revisiting it sober in 2010 makes both even better.)

46. A Sky Full of Stars – @kedreeva (G, the one where Aziraphale takes Crowley someplace where they can see the cosmos. The first GOmens fic I ever bookmarked, so I felt like including it, because it’s unbelievably sweet and has amazing visuals.)

47. The Serpent and the Seagull – @ineffably-good (G and T, the series where Aziraphale misses Crowley so he gets a little pet snake. Frederick the snake is among the best of the GOmens OCs, hilarious and foul-mouthed and once Crowley starts being able to understand him, it only gets better. Frederick likes helping his pets work their problems out so they’ll leave him alone to sleep. It’s extremely cute.)

48. The Discerning Black Swan – @lwtis (T, the one where Crowley is definitely not projecting on a black swan desperately trying to court a white mute swan in St James’ Park. I love how Crowley interfaces with his emotional problems through the swan, and the visual of the two swans is gorgeous.)

49. What A Demon Dreams – @whatawriterwields (G, the one where Crowley has some weird dreams, dude. I love the symbolism and the imagery in this one, it’s really vivid. It’s hard to pull off a concept like this so I respect how the author is able to do it and make it work.)

 TOUCH STARVED/WINGS/BODY WORSHIP

50. Sunlight – crorvid (M, the one where Aziraphale is a touch-starved angel. Doesn’t deserve the M rating, in my opinion, but Aziraphale does feel the touching during their makeouts very intensely and it’s incredibly satisfying.)

51. The Curious Attractiveness of Others – @giddygeek (T, the one where Crowley finally gets to groom Aziraphale’s wings and Aziraphale gets to show Crowley how tender that can be. Another one with some great world building tucked into the corners, and emotionally satisfying grooming.)

52. Broken Wings – werebear (@werebeary) (T and M, the series where wing grooming is incredibly intimate and I got the vapors from the tenderness. Also the first time I saw anything about preen glands. The second one is rated M because the preening gets a bit…intense. Not sexual, exactly, but it’s close. Very passionate.)

53. Birthmark – Linebreaker (G, the one where Crowley has a scar on his lower back and a sad story to go with it. This one needs a bit of a harder rating, imo, and there’s one line that’s a bit Much, but otherwise it’s a sad and beautiful look at a potential reason why Crowley hates the fourteenth century so much. Lots of Crowley body worship packed into few words, very satisfying.)

54. They Are A Pale Picture of You – @ineffablefool (T, the one where they go for a walk during winter and things are just Soft. Ineffablefool has a wealth of body-positive asexual GOmens fics, but I think I like this one best, it’s sweet and adorable and some jerk who insults Aziraphale’s weight rightly gets the worst day of his life. Also Crowley compares Aziraphale in his winter wear to a plump little bird and it’s cute imagery.)

 BONUS

55. Ineffable Bureaucracy Drabbles – Shift7 (T, the series of short fics where Gabriel and Beelzebub are kinda-sorta falling into friendship and being very judicious about it. Lots of paperwork, very orderly.)

56. Ineffable Bureaucracy – @eshnoazot (T and G, a series of longer fics where Gabriel and Beelzebub are navigating a careful arrangement of their own. Still lots of paperwork, of course, but there’s also emotional friction and conflict resolution. Excellent characterizations. Wednesday night Thai and Friendship night is a+++++. Gabriel deffo called a board meeting to talk about his feelings.)

57. A Bentley Sang in Berkeley Square – CastielHamilton (G, the one where the Bentley is sentient and a good, good girl. She is doing her best and I love her. Basically the series from her point of view.)

58. Fairest and Fallen – VitreousHumor (T, the series where Beelzebub and Gabriel encounter each other a few times and Gabriel tries his best to remember their shared pre-Fall history. Poignant, sad, and beautiful.)

59. Observer Effect – SquarePudding (T, the series where the Grigori in charge of recording Aziraphale’s Earthly movements starts to ship him and Crowley and records their romance. The Grigori, Rezathaniel, is a precious baby who needs to develop a better palate outside of “greasy literal garbage” and has 0 chill when it comes to their ship. They’re kind of like a celebrity blogger at this point but watching their character growth in the first story is very sweet.)

60. Soul of Vellum, Heart of Chrome – @29-pieces (G, the one where the Bentley and the Bookshop are sentient and very protective of their owners. This one is going to KILL ME with the plot I wasn’t expecting—Heaven and Hell are hunting Aziraphale and Crowley down again, so the Bentley and the Bookshop do their best to help. They’re doing so good and I’m so proud of them, it’s not their fault things went a bit south. Precious beans. Good, good things.)

61. Real Fire and Brimstone Stuff – @jessikast (G, the one where college-age Warlock helps accidentally summon his Nanny and a lot of things start to make sense. A very sweet story about Warlock getting closure and getting back in touch with Crowley and Aziraphale through the weirdest means possible.)

 H/C /WHUMP/BAMF

62. Broken Hallelujah – @atlantis-is-burning (T, the one where Hastur comes to kill Aziraphale and Crowley and it’s ugly, folks. It is kinda gory and it is injury-ridden and painful, very touch-and-go for a bit. It ends well, though, and Hastur gets his, which is the Best. Tore me up one side and down the other in all the best ways.)

63. Fall Here – @marbledwings (T, the one where Aziraphale and Crowley are easing into a relationship in fits and starts, and then Crowley gets snatched. This one was AGONIZING to wait for it to update, so be glad it’s complete, because it gets pretty dark for a while. Be warned of torture, though it’s mostly implied and it’s the aftermath that’s dealt with most. It absolutely sticks the landing at the end, and has a great characterization of Michael.)

64. how deep the sand – Handful_of_Silence (G, the series where Aziraphale is trapped in a glass bubble in a wizard’s basement for fifty years and the ensuing aftermath. Feels mostly book-verse, but there are some cues from the show. Intense and realistic and emotional and heavy, drags you through the darkness and you appreciate the light all the more for it. A beautiful story.)

65. you taught me how to love, (it’s me who taught you how to stop) – @clankclunk (G, or the one where Aziraphale comes to find out that you can’t just rush into a relationship after six thousand years of repression. This one is absolutely murdering me. The angst is real. The hurt is real. I’m hoping the fluff and comfort promised in the tags is coming soon because WOW. Has a fantastically haunting view of what happens to angels, who are highly emotive beings, when they fall into depression. And Crowley’s adverse reactions to praise and love are so realistic and painful. Ouch.)

[consoleout]

Frozen Moment [Rinch fic]

Hey guys this is my first fic ever so I hope it’s not too awful! I do know it’s cheesy and a bit dramatic, but both are sort of on purpose. =) It’s 7:07 AM and I last slept over 24+ hrs ago, there might be some grammar issues! Have a great time!

It’s Rinch / John Reese x Harold Finch and I would tag it with PTSD/CPTSD, Flashbacks, Hurt & Comfort, First I Love You, and idk if this exists but Comfort Without (much) Plot. 

I hope this helps and thank you! If you read it please let me know what you think of it if you would be willing.

"I love you, John." Finch's voice was so sweet and calming as it settled into John's shattering mind.

Four words. Four words was all it took for John to fall apart like he was a newborn child with no emotional control. They'd been through so much - John hadn't known if he would live, Finch hadn't been entirely sure he himself would either, and even if it had been so long since the incident in question his brain was surging with the adrenaline as if he'd just stepped into it to do it a second time. Not that he wouldn't - John was always ready to lay his life down for Finch. It was an unavoidable and uncomfortable truth now, he might as well have aired it because his action (one he was sure he wouldn't still be here to question) was meant to be the end-all. The end-all to the fighting, both with the forces of evil that drawled from their lips unstoppingly in person, and the force of evil that drawled from its lips unstoppingly in his brain. 

End-all. No more problems if you weren't alive to have any. That was what John had been more than ready for; and now he'd lived, and he'd lived long enough that he'd tricked poor, dear Finch into believing that John was somehow deserving of anything other than abandonment and disdain from him. He mulled over that in the seconds that lasted longer than time would've permitted. Poor, dear Finch; he couldn't drop that word if he tried anymore. He was alive, and he didn't even know what to do with that. His mind was distracting him, pulling him away from what was on hand. He knew he was dissociating from the moment, but he couldn't focus his eyes, and he felt trapped in his head. He deserved to die. It echoed in his head, surrounded him tighter than Finch's words could reach in the precarious moment. He'd deserved to die before he met Finch, and Finch had been the one to see some purpose in him, and his fate hadn't changed because he still deserved to die even if he'd lived.

Pathetic, his mind quipped at him. It cut him like a knife and he felt his chest sear with a familiar pain. He was so good at hiding how he felt that it had become a dull ache until now. Never again was he supposed to hear the words Finch had said. He thought of friendships long lost and the lovers who he'd endangered. He thought of Jessica. He thought of Carter. He thought of Root. Countless deaths and countless backstabbings all within the fraction of a second's time. There were so many names that he thought of, and one was far too many for his liking already. If he replied now, if he was honest with himself, he'd inevitably put Finch into danger's path no matter what he said unless he lied. What if this was all some sick joke and Finch hated him, really truly hated his guts? What if this was life, painfully paying him back the karma he owed in one fell swoop? He figured that since he'd lived past a missile, he'd accrued significant karmic debt; not that he particularly believed in karma, but with the recent events it was hard not to consider the existence of a supernatural power. He could say it wasn't every day someone lived with what he'd endured, but it didn't pay justice to the miracle with the way people used that phrase.

As this occurred, Finch watched John flinch and freeze in place like a bambi. An expression John had made many times before - Finch was familiar with the expressions John made when he was met with one of his very rare triggers. They seemed to be connected to emotions and identity rather than physical touch or dangerous situations, Finch had noted previously. He was trembling, and it was all he could do to hold back from slipping into the same thought process himself. He didn't know if he could say it again if it went unanswered. Finch was about to gasp, feeling as if the world around him would fall---

Kara. The name seemed to stick like a glue inside of Reese's brain. It kept him from saying those words back, as much as he wanted to. That cursed, damned name kept him from doing anything at all, and it kept him trapped in the current Hell that was his brain. It felt like he would die again right here from the memories that were twining away like clockwork inside of him. He didn't feel real anymore, and everything had begun to have a dream-like feeling. Was he floating? He didn't know, but his own brain continued to usurp any and all possibilities to move and confirm that he was not. Who was John, really, if he was known to Finch as Reese? The name didn't hold the word love in its incarnation, and yet that was what the killer, the weapon John Reese, felt for the man Harold Finch. It was like a bad comedy except that he was living it, and that there was nothing that a crowd would ever laugh at if they saw Reese's journey through the eyes of John Reese.

John deserved to be rejected, so it was obvious he would be! Nobody ever had him back. Nobody, he'd never had anyone who did and stayed or lived. He wasn't allowed a happy ending. His family didn't have him, his ex-partners didn't have him, and even his own life didn't currently have him. His mind was on a vicious, programmed tirade to end this bubbling of hope that threatened to shatter his deer-in-headlights appearance. It, however, was rising and swelling inside of him the more that his mind drifted to Finch, and would leave the barest mist on the words Finch had just laid into the air with a relentless pursue.  

Love. What a precarious thing, John thought. Maybe he and Finch could be happy together if he would just find a little place to stay down, like a dog with its tail between its legs. It wasn't the most moral thing, but it was his chance. Or he could continue like this, say nothing, leave Finch hanging and protect him from the monster that was Reese and his burden of feelings- No! John replied back to the thought internally. Finch had promised not to lie to John. And now Finch was standing in front of him, alive, well enough, and telling him the words that John had wanted to hear for longer than he'd cared to count. Backing down and giving in to the thoughts would leave him alone and yearning for the rest of his presumably shortened life.

This was his opportunity. He couldn't calculate or plan what happened next, he needed to act right there in the moment. It felt impossible and every cell in his body fought against it, but John finally snapped out of it. Thirty seconds was all it took from him to be locked in Hell for what felt like an eternity's share in memories that he never asked for. He choked on his words, stammering as he reached a hand out feebly towards Finch. Longing, searching for a comfort that he had to be afforded to progress. "I, I- I-" was all he could manage, the lump in his throat and the locks on his legs robbing his reply from him.

Patience was what Finch thought of in this moment, stifling his gasp as John's hand reached out to him. It reached out only a small amount, but Finch took the gracious opportunity that John has provided to him to gingerly wrap his fingers around John's hand. It felt like Finch would shatter like glass; John was colder than ice. He was sure each digit would begin turning blue if John's flashbacks continued, and could only muster the strength to tighten his grip just slightly and whimper as he stared at him. This wasn't a field that Finch was familiar in assisting others with; social cues weren't his strong suite, and he'd never felt more useless than he did in the present.

John's desperate gaze pierced Harold deep in his soul, and something in Harold let itself loose. He wrapped his arms around John, embracing him in a protecting, sincere, loving hug. In any other situation that John would act this way, he would have been too scared of the reaction to follow even if he knew it wasn't one that John did on purpose. This time, it felt different. John was searching for his touch; no matter how scared of this entire display Harold was, it was nothing compared to the urge to hold John and comfort away his pain in the fleeting time they shared. Not after everything they'd been through, which was still a fresh ache to him.

John felt himself settle, his mind quieting the second that Harold had wrapped his arms around him. He felt at home in this embrace, and everything right now was too much, but somehow he still found himself craving the touch he was gifted. He wrapped his arms around Harold, hiding his head pathetically on the other man's shoulder as a weep racked his body. His hands settled on Harold's upper back and splayed out, touching as much of Harold's back that he could possibly get to. He closed their distance, in no state to argue about any of the semantics that such an embrace implied.

Harold stood there for a moment, just holding John in his arms and whispering "It's alright, you're right here, it's alright. oh, it's alright now," over and over. He could feel John's weight increasing on him and, to avoid causing either of them undue duress, he sank to the floor with John clinging to him for dear life. He didn't particularly mind, and his left hand raised to John's head to brush his beautiful hair while he stroked his back methodically, his grip gentle and lasting. He wanted it to be alright, willed it into existence as he repeated it over and over. He would make it alright through any means necesssary if John would be okay. If this meant sitting on the floor with John in his arms, then that was the current meaning of love. He could only hope the display wasn't making John even more uncomfortable.

John's sobbing slowly stopped as he was soothed. Although his breathing was still ragged and his mind was still swimming, he began to calm down in the embrace of Harold. After sitting there and being comforted for what felt like a lifetime, John mustered up the courage to reply. He'd break through this programming, John Reese was going to be a loving killer weapon from this day forward and everyone who disagreed with this sentiment could be damned. He steadied himself and turned his head, his words soft and wavering with anxiety as he replied,

"I love you too."

[bow-woahh]

She-Ra season 5 thoughts

A chaotic summary of my feelings/ reactions of each episode! Spoilers. Obviously. 

Episode 1 — Horde Prime

- First of...Adora stop throwing yourself into battle challenge - "You're not She-Ra anymore" — TELL HER SIS - The way Catra was so smug but Glimmer was not having any of it "You're just as alone as I am" if that ain't the truth idk what is - Catra wanting the climb up the ranks? Sis I don't think so let's see how long that lasts - The DINNER pissed me the fuck OFF - Oh yeah here's my obligatory SW FUCK OFF CHALLENGE - Micah, King, glare at her!! Yes!! - The way Scorpia said "Catra thought my singing was annoying" honey - That clone was SO annoying stfu about Prime being omniscient and omnipresent and shit like ugH idC - Bow and Adora are the BROTP - Scorpia stinging Adora to keep her safe - and that's on friendship - The way Prime INSTANTLY called Catra out "Adora means something to you" listen I hate the gay but damn he's smart. He saw right through her act. - "Adora chose her side and I chose mine" that doesn't mean you don't still care Catraaa - Also that was REALLL quick lmaoo the way five seconds she was like "imma climb up the ranks" then in about two secs HP was like "sis I have no use for you" - "What are you going to do to me?" IM CRYING - Adora and those weird flashback PTSD things -- are u okay sis?? - This was the first episode and I already want to cry so....wow

Episode 2 — Launch

- Adora omg she's so fatigued girl S L E E P - Bow getting pissed at everyone for not letting her rest...what a king - Catra disobeying HP and talking back to that clone but then HP took its form...fuck man that shit scary - STOP CALLING HER  LITTLE SISTER CHALLENGE JESUS FUCK - Everyone hates Entrapta wow ouch - Literally Entrapta being horny over robots is hilarious lmaoo - Mermista is a great leader and they worked so well together ahhh! I'm loving Scorpia and Frosta's friendship - Entrapta got the signal!! I'm proud -  Adora stop following holograms and illusions challenge -  Adora being all like "I don't know my destiny anymore but I know I need to save my friend." LIKE YES HONEY -  Glimmer is sO volatile like honey,, did you need to break HP's crystal ball thingy?? DID U?? -  also she knows her dad is alive now and that H U R T S ++ I bet she doesn't know the sword is broken so fuckkl -  Micah as She-Ra?? something I never knew I needed -  SW not being in this episode at all? love that for us - "I reinstate my horray" I LOVE YOU SCORPIA - "Can you stay?" MY FUCKING HEART GLITRA FRIENDSHIP HERE WE COME

Every episode I just feel immense f E AR

Episode 3 — Corridors

- THIS STARTS W BABY CATRA AND ADORA?? NOELLE WHY ARE TRYNA KILL US?? - Catra and Glimmer talking about sleepovers and Adora...damn my heart - Adora and her stupid ponytail 💀 - "I'll never say sorry!" - THE WAY YOUNG CATRA WAS SO JEALOUS EYE— - "There's no one in the entire universe who cares about me." - "Im sorry! For everything." IM SO UPSET WTF -  CATRA IS FUCKED BUT SHE SAVED GLIMMER -  HP GTFO CHALLENGE -  I'm so proud of my baby tho wow... -  What the fuck we gone do now? -  so much happened in this episode so this is a lot shorter because my brain is numb. Catra is gonna get brainwashed?? isn't she?? -  "I want to do that one good thing in my life." IM CRYING Y'ALL

Episode 4 —Stranded

- Adora is like "Catra, Catra?? saved you?? wtaf?” Lmaoo - Bow and Glimmer fighting is hurting my HEART - KYLE HAS A CRUSH ON ROGELIO?? SCORPIA DONE EXPOSED IT AHHH - Swifty tryna contact Adora?? kinda cute - him impersonating everyone was onbrand and kinda funny ngl - The way Adora is like "it's complicated" lmaoo girl everything is w you - I live the star siblings omg yeS - "I have to save someone. Someone I—" omFG ADORA - Adora is S T R O N K - she GLOWED OMFG SHE RA?? IS THAT U?? - BOW AND GLIMMER BEING OKAY?? MAYBE - Etherians really are wilding out here - YESSS THEY JOINING THE REBELLION - "Maybe we'll never be friends like we used to be."  Glimmer...I love her sm - "I can't just leave her there. I have to try." Adora actually cares so much about her!! and I love Glimmer being supportive wow we love a queen! - THE BEST FRIEND SQUAD IS BACK TOGETHER!! LETS GOO - "She-Ra is back." Swift Wind is annoying but thank you. thank you for saying that horse.

I literally threw my hoodie across the room and forgot that I did that wow lmao

Episode 5 — Save the Cat

- My friend who's ahead me said wait for episode 5 now I'm fucking S H OO K - this episode name has me shook I can't - its WRITTEN BY NOELLE?? WE'RE FUCKED - I love Wrong Hordak SM what an idiot - Catradora really is gonna be canon wow - WTAF IS THAT SHE IS NOT MY CATRA SHE IS A CLONE her hair tho?? kinda nice - the way HP said "your Catra." like low-key he said gay rights - "You broke my heart. And he has made me whole again." - "We both know I don't matter"  and "you're and idiot" "I know" THESE TWO ARE MADE FOR EACH OTHER - SHE JUMPED OFF A CLIFF FOR HER - the way she's holding her?? so soft - SHE RA IS LOOKING FLY -- and is she taller?? - "You miscalculated" YES QUEEN I LOVE HER. THAT WHOLE FIGHT SCENE WAS AMAZING - FuCK HORDEP PRIME - Darla is the best Light Hope SUX - the "Hey, Adora" was SO SOFT IM SO HAPPY

That episode really hiT different Catradora is DEFINITELY canon EVERYONE SAY THANK YOU NOELLE

Episode 6 - Taking Control

- Adora. Chill. - Catra's trauma...wow - honestly I have SO MUCH TO SAY and so little at all. - The ending w Catra joining was so cute and all the Catradora interactions are SENDING ME this is the development I need - "Adora. Stay." MY HEART - thank fuck that chip is gone YAY - Entrapta and Catra making up? Catra saying "Thank you and I'm sorry" her least favourite words -- characters DEVELOPMENT - The way Catra blushed when Adora transformed GIRL YOURE GAY - SHERAS POWER IS TOO MUCH SLAY GIRL - Horde Prime FucK off challenge I hate him - Micah tryna be a father figure? cute - the endING FUCK WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT SPINNERALLA??? POOR NETOSSA

okay but where tf is DT, KYLE, LONNIE AND ROGELIO??

my mum is so tired of me screaming lmaoo

Episode 7 — Perils Of Peekabloo

- Catra just SAT on Adora's lap the PDA is unmatched - We love a filler wow - we literally can't trust anyone this shit sucks - SCORFUMA STANS STAY WINNING - Mermista and Seahawk kinda cute tho (the  heart eyes) - DT I KNEW IT   - CASH KITTEN? EYE—JUST SAY SUGAR MOMMA AND GO - NETOSSA DOESN'T DESERVE THIS - MERMISTA TO - EVERYONE is chipped WTF - DT is a theatre gay through and through   - THEY'RE FUCKED WE'RE FUCKED - NOOOO SCORPIA 😭😭😭 - "I'm the muscle, remember?" - SCORPIA'S POWER, HER REACH, IT'S AMAZING - everything is going downhill FAST - "Happy Anniversary" EYE—😭😭😭😭😭

well that sucked What the fuck we gone do now?

Episode 8 - Shot in the Dark

- The soft smile Catra gave Adora while teasing? love that - loving this new squad - the wAY HER TAIL FLUFFED UP SHES SO SCARED MAN - Wrong Hordak is my main g - the LAUGHING!! THE BLUSHING!! EVERYONE CAN SMELL THE GAY TENSION - omg Catra being the brains of the operation?? yes please - "Catra's first mission" THEY'RE SO OBNOXIOUS I LOVE THEM - "I'm going to kill your friends." "Please don't." we are ASCENDING - Casta? Strike her down anyway please 🙏 - Adora is SO WHIPPED the way she blushed at Catra making the door - "It's such a cute sneeze" BOW KNOWS IT CATRA IS CUTE AND THATS THE TEA - literallyyyy I hate SW GTFO CHALLENGE get OFF my screen 😡 - CATRA WHY DID YOU LUNGE AT THAT THING?? - OMFG MAGICAT?? (Nope dumb bitch) - "I'm coming!" "Hurry." - "I'm sorry. I got angry. It's something I'm working on" ADORA GLOWED AND SAID "You are?" WE LOVE SELF GROWTH AHH - It was Catra's hand OMFG IN THE TRAILER - Adora and cat thing being magic? we love it - MELOG IS SO CUTE and Catra can talk to it?? wowow - they love taking strays lmao - Wrong Hordak's character arc is the best one in the show - CATRA HAS AN IDEA?? YES - Preach Casta shut Weaver up - "That about sums it up, yes." I love them as a team - the hand holding? so cutee Catra don't pretend you're not whipped - oml Glimmer kissing Catra before Adora? EYE— Glitra shippers gonna be so happy at that one moment lmaoo - THEY'RE HOMEEEE

ahhh we're getting close to the end nooo

Episode 9 —An ill Wind

- oh god oh god - Catra is so badass with Melog i LOVE HER EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL  - having to fight your own wife? that shit sucks - Erelandia? it's free - omg HP is angry asfff - FROSTA CHILL SHE PUNCHED HER HARD - Adora and Catra are soft 🥺 that's all I have to say

Episode 10 — Return to the Fright Zone

- omg are we gonna see Kyle?? Lonnie? Rogelio?? (also nope, stupid hoe) - okay but Netossa getting screentime? YES PLEASE - I love the intro sm ahhhh - also her knowing everyone's weakness? love that shit - ouch Perfuma ouch didn’t have to go so hard on Catra and YET - omg I forgot Bow's dads existed - "Mostly bad memories" 😔😔😔 - competitive gfs for the win - Catra FLEW tho WOW Scorpia is STRONK - the dad jokes are immaculate - "I'm working is being a better friend. That has to count for something right?" - "We don't throw tanks at our friends" sis you don't give flowers to your them at this current time either - "why did I get stuck with the water Princess?" Catra...baby I love you - omg there's a fail safe THANK FUCK I was legit speechless - "There's real power in love and friendship" preACH IT GIRLIE - SCORPIA FIGHT IT YESSS - legit forgot Spinny and Netossa were fighting lmao oof - FINALLY ANGST OVER THE WIVES ARE BACK - omg THE PAN TO ADORA ABOUT BEING VULNERABLE AHHHH - Perfuma is Catra's therapist that's my headcanon - OMFG I FORGOT ABOUT SW FUCK SHIT CATRA BABY IM SORRY

damn I'm stressed out

Episode 11 — Failsafe

- Weaver STFU challenge - them taking about their abuse? we love to see - "We— I could really use your help" KILL ME NOW THEY'RE TOO MUCH - "Not because I like you" she says SMILING - Melog is Catra's affectionate side prove me wrong - Stan Entrapta for clear skin - SW doesn't deserve rights (as per usual) - DONT TOUCH HER BITCH LITERALLYYYY WHYYY - and now She Ra is glitching?? fuck - Catra is so jumpy eye— "Trust Me" MY HEART SBSBDB - Weaver really called her a DISTURBANCE STFU 💀💀💀 - Entrapta and bird horse ftw what a tag team - OMG NO BE CAREFUL - "Did you just jump in fire to save me?" SHE WAS SO SMUG - can SW burn like... now? - "It's none of your business" LITERALLY BUTT OUT  - "Catra, she distracts you, confuses you." WEAVER I FUCKING HATE YOU SM I FUCKING I WILL PUNCH MY SCREEN - Entrapdak being a thing? I do not know how to feel - "Your imperfections are beautiful."  I am.... conflicted - SW doesn't deserve screen time - Catra is an i no cap (I genuinely have no clue what I meant so sorry about that) - i think the fuck not - this episode is so stressful - Catra saving Adora >>>>>>>>> - what an awful reunion for Glimmer damn - "It doesn't always have to be you!" IKR IT SHOULD BE WEAVER - fuck dark magic fuck it all - Catra's upset?? no my baby 🥺 - this whole episode is just traumatising - Adora's heart do be glowing - Catra's LEAVING?? why?? - "What do you want Adora?" - MY HEART BEEN BROKE SO MANY TIMES I DONT KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE 😭😭 - omg this time instead of Adora leaving it's Catra (you are a dumbass DUH) - that H U R T S - ADORA TELL HER YEs QUEEN

omg HEART NEXT???

Episode 12 — Heart Part 1

- I am not prepared for this - Adora...baby I'm so sorry - Glimbow moment with a banjo?? that was cute - Adora really is a party popper - "Adora doesn't want me. Not like I want her." AND THAT'S ON LESBIANISM BUT ALSO FUCKING OUCH  - but really Catra...do you really think Adora doesn't want you? girl are youb B L I N D?? - Wrong Hordak is MY GUY - Stan the rebellion for clear skin - NOOO WHAT THE FUCK MY HEART DON'TPLAY WITH ME LIKE THAT THEY NEARLY KISSED AND IT WAS A FUCKING SIMULATION - real Catra be CAREFUL - "We have to warn Adora" YES SIS WARN YOUR GF  - "I thought I could make my own destiny" U STILL CAN SIS - I'm scared I'm fucking scared - my HEART IS BEATINGG FASTT - I really hate Horde Prime uhhhhhhhgg - for once in your sorry life do something good Weaver jfc - "I can't leave her behind again" - BEST FRIEND SQUAD + MELOG YES - "Bow, I love you." GLIMBOW IS BACK ON AHHH - BUT AT WHAT COST??? (literally what am I saying??) - "You deserve love too." AND THAT'S ON PERIODT - Glimmer coming in clutch!! - Mermista and Seahawk do be cute tho - Micah is actually the worst rn wow - "Goodbye, my oldest enemy" CATRA COME QUICK AHH

the last episode....I'm not ready to say goodbye

Episode 13 — Heart Part 2

- ofc this is written by Noelle - "Hey, Adora" MY HEART - "I'll catch up okay? Get to the heart." - SW ACTUALLY DIED?? THANK YOU MY GIRLS CAN HEAL NOW

andd that's as far as I got before freaking the fuck out with everything that was happening onscreen but THE CATRADORA KISS WAS EVERYTHING and the ending was perfect 🥺💖

—

Thank you Crew-Ra, Noelle for making such a beautiful and heartwarming show, this will be remembered for years to come because what this show did was incredible and unlike anything I've ever watched.

[normal-thoughts-official]

I NEED MORE AUTISTIC ALEC FICS AND HEADCANONS!! Like what do his meltdowns look like? Does he ever go nonverbal? Does he ever have very long nonverbal episodes? How do they communicate when he’s nonverbal? I need to knowwwww

unfortunately i don’t have any good autistic alec fics to rec (boy is this fandom full of terrible ableist shit) but i’ll take my crack at those dajsdodjasj

i think alec has shutdowns more often than he does meltdowns, because like, he was trained to repress his emotions and power through overload, you know? so he usually ends up shutting down rather than melting down. also, since he’s very self aware and has had to learn this to survive (cuz i can’t imagine shadowhunters would take kindly to someone having a meltdown) he’s good at realizing when he’s at the pre-meltdown phase. so usually during those he will go to training alone, or outside, or just generally find an excuse to leave. he’s become pretty good at making those up

he’s probably going to grab his weapons, because it helps him feel safe and a bit more in control, like he could somehow attack his own overload daodaoja and he kinda goes to the corner of the room and has his back to the wall, because he just becomes, like, very defensive you know? and when his senses go into overdrive that translates in his head as “danger” so the way for him is to isolate himself and prepare like he’s going to go for war. so he has his bow and quiver in hand and he’s looking around almost obsessively (which isn’t great, since you know, more stimuli) and he’s dead quiet and still like he might snap into action at any moment. like he tries to hold it all together so much that it just, compacts? i feel like he might also dissociate as a result, again because he’s used to just powering through and working even as it happens, so he just shuts down from the world completely

i also feel like they probably also commonly interlace with self harm which. again, not good! but it’s kind of a way to let it out, not just to “overpower the pain” as magnus put it, but quite literally like he’s bleeding the tension out. he just throws all the overwhelming feelings into his muscles and punches and just throws it out and around and tries to focus on that rather than on everything else

and yes, he totally goes nonverbal during those. i think this is one of the things that happened when he was at magnus’ and they had that talk about his self harm - he basically didn’t talk, he was just looking at his hands, you know? i think he could be nonverbal in that moment, but again he usually powers through to talk even as it drains every last ounce of energy out of him. i also feel like he might have gone to magnus’ not only for the obvious reason that it’s a safe place where he feels understood and happy, but also simply because it’s more toned down? like at the institute the lights are bright and the rooms are big and there’s people and noise. magnus’ loft (especially at night and on the rooftop like he was) was dark and quiet and calm, and so he could breathe a little and regain his surroundings, you know? magnus also gets sensory overload, especially with noise and touch, so he makes sure that his loft is free of noise/echo, that it’s not too convoluted that he has to keep touching things, everything is in Nice Textures, etc. his apothecary is also kinda dark and i think that’s why, not too much light, not too many distractions for when he’s working, less chance of getting overwhelmed when he’s already dealing with so many textures/smells/sounds/temperatures like when he’s brewing a potion, you know?

as for long nonverbal episodes - i don’t think he has long nonverbal episodes often, again because he’s used to powering through. like it might kill him to talk but he just- does it. because he’s expected to keep in position and to answer questions and basically just, keep going you know. but he often feels overwhelmed, and it’s one of the reasons he likes to listen more than he does talking. especially to magnus, because his voice is smooth and nice and has a cadence that just always feels natural? not exactly predictable but never brisk or shocking, and still interesting enough to distract him. plus, he likes to hear him talk. that’s it, really

but anyway! so he often feels like “oh god talking is so much right now”. tbh almost constantly, especially at work, because he has to deal with a lot of people and things and stress and there’s just. never a damn minute to recharge his batteries, you know? i mean he loves his job and he’s good at it, but it takes its toll on him

and so once he’s finally home he probably spends the, first few hours? quiet and retracted and dreading having to speak. but magnus doesn’t expect him to, and he also has his moments tbh, what with his flashbacks, his c-ptsd, and his adhd, sometimes everything is too much for him too and he doesn’t want to talk. i feel like magnus’ language in this case is more touches, both to keep himself grounded and to connect with other people, because while he doesn’t want to talk, he also doesn’t want to lose his anchor- it would be way too easy, honestly. and he wants to feel like other people are there, too. especially because otherwise he might have more flashbacks and his symptons might get worse, and it’s just- not good. so he likes to lay in alec’s lap, maybe play with his hands, stuff like this, when he’s nonverbal. it’s not so much that alec feels smothered, and he likes the closeness too, having good, light sensations to distract himself with and stuff

in regards to how they communicate when hes nonverbal: i think Magnus already has something of a system in place, because he's lived with Raphael, whom, i feel, has long nonverbal episodes more frequently. i mean Raphael is also used to powering through and speaking anyway, same as Alec, even if for different reasons, but it also just happens more often that hes overwhelmed and goes nonverbal. and Magnus notices, notices the way it pains him to speak, like hes trying to move through water, so he's like. you know, if you dont want to talk, there are other ways we can communicate. and raphael's never had anyone tell him that before (rosa always supported him when he was nonverbal and even spoke for him sometimes, and they had their own talking system, but hes never had anyone actually tell him "you know, it's alright" and he hadn't realized how much he needed it until he got it) so hes a bit overwhelmed and he just nods

i feel like both Raphael and Alec are still very communicative even when they go nonverbal, like- words are too much, but they still want to communicate and say stuff, you know? and i feel like Raphael likes to hum as a form of verbal stimming (kinda like Magnus) so they used that a lot - Magnus learnt Raphael's specific hums and what they meant pretty easily and if he didn't know he'd ask yes/no questions until Raphael got it. and it worked pretty well

idk if Alec is as into verbally stimming as Raphael, so maybe not humming, but his hands talk lmao. again, same as Magnus', he also loves stimming with his hands. so different movements can mean different things, almost like a sort of sign language, except specific to them and simpler, cuz like, dont wanna think about grammar and syntax and words and shit right now. but gesturing, pointing, twisting his hands - all of that works. and Magnus finds that he also likes talking with his hands (and humming) more than he thought once he started getting into it, so soon it's like they have their own secret language lmao they just get each other and their hand movements and what they mean and it's sweet :)

(i answered this one based on my own experiences as well as my brother’s, the knowledge i already had from following autistic activists for quite a few years now, as well as these sources which were written and created by autistic people. however, i’m not an expert, so if there’s anything inaccurate or offensive about how i’ve written it, please let me know)

[hotforhandman]

Indulge me for a moment

I know some people don’t like it when you try to psychoanalyse fictional characters, but it’s fun so here we are. There’s one particular category of behaviour that I would like to discuss in regards to Shigaraki Tomura.

This is gonna be a long one. Sorry XP

So this is mania.

It’s often associated as one ‘half’ of bipolar disorder, where the individual may experience weeks or months of mania followed by the same of depression, in a somewhat oscillating pattern, however it can be associated with other things such as schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder or as a classification on its own. It can manifest as hypomania, or a ‘below-mania’ state, where the individual may experience heightened emotions without the more disturbing, life-altering symptoms like delirium, but hypomanic individuals are at risk of developing full blown mania. 

So I was reading this darn article and I was like... this could be the ‘Personality’ section of Shig’s wiki page.

It’s no secret that Shigaraki is... somewhat unstable, and has been since the beginning, especially in his first few appearances. He’s noticeably childlike, quick to anger and quick to lash out or hurt himself and everyone knows it- particularly Kurogiri, who seems to be ready to step in and calm him down at any given moment.

Even when he doesn’t actually lash out, everyone expects him to. 

So it mentions here that in order to be considered to have manic syndrome, a minimum of three key symptoms from a list of seven must be met (four if the individual displays only irritability, but I don’t think that’s the case here). Let’s see what’s on the list.

Whilst he might not have the blatant arrogance of a lot of anime villains, he definitely believes himself to be entitled to a lot of attention and power, he expects people to listen to him and follow him even when he gives them nothing in return, and gets pissy when the spotlight isn’t on him (see: Stain). He also doesn’t blink an eye at going toe-to-toe with other villains who have more social, political or literal power than him and demanding they bow to him (Overhaul, Redestro). He also has some... somewhat unrealistic ideas of what he’s capable of, but we’ll get to that later. 

Whilst Gigantomachia is the one claiming here to function on 3 hours of sleep, not Shigaraki, the fact that he’s hunting Shigaraki specifically indicates that Shig is running on the same sleep schedule, and appears to be... functional, at least. And he’s been running on this 49 hour waking-3 hour sleeping cycle for a month. I dunno about you but even in a life threatening situation I don’t think a normal individual could do that. Makes me wonder how much sleep he gets if left to his own devices. Somehow I doubt it’s a healthy 8 hours per night. 

I mean, Bakugou is not exactly a paragon of patience, but every villain loves a good monologue and Shigaraki is no exception. He loves giving self-righteous speeches to All Might, to Bakugou, to Overhaul, to Deku, and he’s been called out on the fact that he’s just talking out of his ass before. 

Now... this is a difficult one because we’ve only been privy to Shigaraki’s thinking twice: once when he was walking through the mall and musing about why everyone was so obsessed with Stain, and once when we got to see his exhaustion-induced flashbacks (another thing to discuss later). From what we've seen, it doesn’t look like he does that, but we do know that he’s very quick-thinking, at least. Until we get to spend more time in his head I don’t think we can accurately judge this one. 

Say what you like about his motivations, you can’t say he’s not goal oriented, and he’s certainly not the kind of person to sit still. He wholeheartedly throws himself into his fights and never pulls his punches, even at personal risk. He also has little motor quirks, the most notable being his scratching habit. He doesn’t like sitting still. 

Hm... Honestly, this is the one I don’t think he shows any signs of. He seems fairly good at staying on task, at least from what we’ve seen. 

Do I- Do I even need to go over this one? He’s a villain. He commits crimes and puts himself at risk of bodily harm on a regular basis. He also likes poking the wasps’ nest when it comes to other strong characters, as mentioned earlier. 

So that’s the list, and I’d say there’s only one that is completely inapplicable, one we don’t really know about, and five that have a fair amount of evidence behind it. Yeah, that’d do it. But are there other matchups and clues too? Spoiler alert: yes. 

Thanks, Daruma. You’re really helping him set realistic goals here. 

He has an incredibly warped and corrupted view of the world, and his PTSD has left him feeling physically nauseous in response too... well, the vast majority of normal life, really. So what does he want to do? Just get rid of everything that makes him feel sick. All of it. Reduce the world itself to ash and dust. It goes without saying that this is not a realistic goal, and even in the hypothetical situation where he succeeds... where does he go from there? It doesn’t seem like he knows. He’s single minded, entirely focused on his myopic view of victory with no mind to what happens if he succeeds. It is, as Daruma points out, the sort of plan a child would come up with. 

Let’s face it, he didn’t have to ride on the top of the lorry careening down the highway, and he probably didn’t have to jump off it right into danger either. This bitch wanted to make a scene, for kicks. Honestly the whole taking-Overhaul’s-arms thing was just for kicks. He was gonna be put behind bars anyway, Shigaraki just wanted to prove a point. 

Once again... fairly self explanatory. We’ve seen it happen. 

Aaaand my personal favourite.

Shigaraki has PERFECTED the crazy wide-eye look. 

So yeah. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to state that Shigaraki is an almost textbook case of mania, and what I find interesting about that is that apparently this isn’t something that’s triggered by psychological trauma. I’m sure Shigaraki’s trauma and PTSD certainly don’t help, but idk man, I think he’s just... like that. I think even if he’d had a perfectly normal childhood and been raised well adjusted he’d still behave erratically and excitedly, like all his emotions are dialled up to 11. What’s for sure though is that it makes him a fascinating, fun character to watch, and in my experience he’s super fun to write, too. 

Tl;dr Shigaraki Tomura has manic syndrome, whether or not it’s tied to something else, and I cannot wait to see more of what goes on in his head.