#either way it feels like i've spent way more energy on this than he seems to be including on overthinking my texts to him

[icantalk710]

...So I guess he and I are just on IG story-viewing terms now...? 😕🤷🏽‍♂️

I get his being busy and I can/have tried to work with his not being a huge texter (being busy myself with work and fan projects) but I thought my mentioning that I wanted us to talk a *bit* more so I knew we were okay and even suggesting we Snap a little (since i remember he mentioned having one and it had been about two months since we hooked up/figured we'd both have liked the reminder since we didn't get to after our dinner in late August) would get some reply. We were supposed to hang on Labor Day (and kissed on it after said dinner), but it still gets me that he didn't tell me something came up, even when I checked in the day of (was fine, since I gave myself a 'noon in the park anyway), and more minor, it still kinda gets me that he didn't tell me how he thought dinner went or how it went with the rain leaks he had to run and tend to (because of his building super being shit). I'd sent him a doggo video on IG a couple weeks back to help him through a busy work weekend (he had liked the one i sent him a week or two before) and had sent a "😍" in reply to a selfie story before that, and both are still unread, yet he's still been viewing my IG story throughout all this--which sure, could be all he has energy for, but at some point I'd figured he would think of checking what I sent him? (His text before I said I wanted us to talk a bit more, after my first asking if we were okay, was a bit short as he apologized for disappearing and said things were hectic/he wasn't sure when would be a good time)

(Also hasn't helped that I've seen him active on the hookup site he connected with me on and had gotten a "testimonial" from a guy he met with during this--but we've only hung out twice so I didn't make much of it, yet he has still been online there and like... if we were still okay, it's like "hey I'm right here..." lol (literally--we're 10 streets apart). I also know he was being mostly truthful with how busy/hectic things were after our dinner chat, but...)

Then I sent a "how was your week" text two weekends ago which got no reply--so I decided to send a last text earlier this week hoping things had blown over some and that I missed him/it would still be nice to see him if he still wanted to hang and "no worries if not" and nothing yet, just more IG story views...

Ball is in his court, probably shouldn't still be thinking of him given all this, probably should've talked expectations some at dinner, don't know if the story views are meant to convey that he's still thinking of me in some way, but... it's confusing me why he would just view my stories for weeks and not actually communicate if he's still into things or not.

(Also doesn't help that currently I'm having some family trouble with my grandma's health getting worse in the hospital [I'm doing okay overall], and he'd be nice to talk to about it since he'd lost his a while back, but he won't just check in with me like I've tried with him--oh well)

[e-spexially]

cowboy like me

pairing: billy the kid x lucy gray baird

summary: "sure would have been nice to meet you under different circumstances."

ib: these two edits by @lg.baird and @beatrixsfx on tiktok

note: this is purely self-indulgent, I saw these and felt SO angsty and inspired :(

The saloon was nicer than most that Billy had entered in the past. Smoke danced in the air and the room was dimly lit by the oil lamps placed on each table, giving the entire room a dreamy haze.

They even had live music. Not the kind where drunk men played the piano or gave some warbled rendition of an old folk tune, either. No, up on stage was a band. Two young women and two young men, playing instruments that appeared well cared for. The one singing looked to be the youngest of the bunch, blonde and fresh with her vocals.

It was a fast-paced melody and the already tipsy men and women of the saloon were on their feet in the small clearing between the tables that served as a dancefloor.

Billy walked up to the bar and bought himself a drink, trying to blend into the crowd. The music was a breath of fresh air from the constant drone of the outdoors he had been spending his time in lately. Being on the run was tiring and it was nice to finally sit in a real chair, surrounded by other people.

As he hunched over his drink, considering a game of poker, the song ended with a wave of applause, and the blonde girl spoke out to the crowd.

"Alright, y'all! For this next number, help me give a big, warm welcome to my cousin, Lucy Gray Baird!"

The blonde's energy was infectious and her request drew more applause from the crowd, even Billy. He supposed the group must have been well known, but he was out of the loop these days.

Then something unexpected happened. Onstage, walked one of the prettiest girls Billy had ever laid eyes on. Lucy Gray Baird was a dark-haired beauty, with a sweet smile and an air of confidence. His attention was hers without the girl even having to try. But then again, so was everyone else's. More applause rang out as she shot the crowd a smile, delicately cradling her shining, black guitar.

"Evenin', everyone!" She said to them in a melodic voice. "I hope y'all are enjoyin' the night so far. For this song, I'm gonna slow things down a bit and give everyone the chance to hold that special someone a little bit closer."

Billy felt the need to sit up straighter, to show that he was giving her performance the respect it deserved. And it truly did.

Everyone's born as clean as a whistle

As fresh as a daisy and not a bit crazy

Staying that way's a hard row for hoeing

As rough as a briar,

Like walking through fire

As Lucy Gray sang, he realized his father had been wrong before. The stars weren't a reflection of his own light, but hers. He'd spent countless hours staring at the night sky and he'd never met anyone that made him feel the way that view did. Not until tonight.

People were dancing, just as she had hoped. They held each other and swayed to the simple tune. She watched them proudly with a bright smile, as though her intention was merely to create the noise that seemed to move them, not be their sole focus. But he just couldn't help focusing on her, he couldn't look away. Her dark eyes scanned the crowd and Billy felt his heart skip a beat.

This world, it's dark

This world, it's scary

I've taken some hits, so no wonder I'm wary

It's why I need you

You're as pure as the driven snow

That's when they locked gazes with each other and the haze of the room matched the one he was feeling. Lucy Gray smiled a little wider when this happened and something inside him wondered if she knew what he was feeling. Did she? Or, better yet, did she feel it too?

The song continued and then ended, too quickly. She sang two more, their eyes meeting again and again. His drink was gone, the poker game long forgotten as well. Once her set reached its close, she immersed herself in the crowd with another young woman, the others onstage keeping the atmosphere going. Billy watched Lucy Gray being praised by many for her songs and smiled to himself.

She really deserved it. His leg bounced anxiously and the air felt electric, like something was fixing to happen. He knew what Jesse would say if he was here.

"Better make your move now, kid. 'Fore someone beats you to it."

Billy inhaled sharply, trying to give himself a boost of confidence. He suddenly felt thankful that he decided to wash before leaving the rooming house that night. Giving the bar a quick tap, he rose to his feet and made his way through the crowd to her.

She was in the middle of speaking to the women about her dress when he walked up, excusing himself and hoping she didn't find him rude for interrupting.

"Good evening." He held his hat against his chest. Lucy Gray stared up at him with a curious glimmer in her eye, catching sight of the pistol around his waist momentarily. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I was hoping I could buy you a drink?"

She looked pleasantly sheepish. Exchanging a quick word with the other women, she nodded.

"I don't see why not."

He breathed a sigh of relief and gestured for her to go first, setting his hat back atop his head. He didn't have much money left, but spending it on her felt like the right choice.

Purchasing two whiskeys, he handed her one and watched as she perched on the stool.

"I'm sorry, I didn't get your name," she spoke, taking a sip.

"Right," said the man, wiping his hand on his pants before extending it, as if he were afraid to get her dirty. "I'm Billy."

Lucy Gray smiled and shook his hand. It sent a jolt right through him and he averted his eyes for a moment. She stared at him thoughtfully, resting the whiskey glass against her shoulder.

"Are you enjoyin' the show, Billy?"

"Oh yeah," he replied, hoping he didn't sound too eager. "I liked that first song of yours, the one about the snow."

She looked pleased by this and he could tell she liked speaking about her music.

"Really? I'm glad to hear it!" Sipping her whiskey, she had an excited, almost nostalgic look in her eye. "I wrote that one a few months back when we were still up north. It snowed all the time up there and it just got me to feelin' inspired."

Billy leaned against the bar, taking in the smokiness of her voice. He could listen to her talk forever.

"Up north? You travel a lot?"

Lucy Gray nodded.

"Us Covey travel wherever the fancy takes us," she said. "We spent a good while doin' shows to keep ourselves fed and moved around until we needed more money. Then this fella named Jones picked us up somewhere in Sacramento and said he'd help us get our very own tour through the lower United States."

Moving from state to state by choice was a luxury he couldn't fathom. Ever since he was a boy, moving had been about survival. Billy thought he'd like to live a life like Lucy Gray's, to see the world of his own accord and not because he was running from something. He finished off his whiskey.

"That sounds nice, just bein' free," he mused, mainly to himself. This earned a head tilt from her and her mouth turned up in a small smile.

"I figured cowboys were as free as they come." That made him laugh and he set the glass down.

"I'm no cowboy."

"Well, you sure look the part," joked Lucy Gray. She looked around the saloon at the crowd and then her eyes found the dancefloor. "Hey, how 'bout a dance?"

Billy looked over his shoulder at the patrons slow dancing, feeling a bit more bold on account of the drinks he'd had. He glanced back at her and held out his hand.

"I don't see why not."

She drank the last of her whiskey before letting him lead her out onto the floor. He pulled her a bit closer, his hand finding her waist and hers his shoulder. Something about her demanded to be seen, to be admired. He might not have been the smartest when it came to women, but he knew from the start that she had all the control. What's more, he wasn't even sure it was intentional, but he knew he liked it.

As they danced, she studied his face a bit more.

"You're that outlaw, aren't you?" Billy felt his face flush and looked around for a moment before she laughed. "Don't worry, I wouldn't say anythin'. Not before I heard your story, anyways."

"My story?"

"Sure, everyone's got one." He pondered this for a moment, giving her a shrug.

"S'not exactly the kind people like to hear," he admitted. "It's got lots of sad bits."

"Well, those kinds of stories make the best songs." Lucy Gray looked up at him through her eyelashes. He wondered what his life would sound like through her pen, if she'd be able to take something dark like that and make it beautiful.

Maybe he'd tell her another time. He hoped there would be another time.

"I'll tell it to you someday." It felt like a promise, mainly to himself, that he'd see her again.

"I hope you will." She seemed content to let it rest at that for now. "Those posters don't do you justice, y'know? You're much more handsome up close."

A soft blush appeared on his face and he laughed it off.

"I'm sorry you had to see those, they're not exactly a likeness."

"You're right," she said gently. "I expected someone much scarier, the way people talk about you."

Billy's heart sank a bit at that. He hoped she hadn't heard anything too bad and if it was the truth being passed around, he only hoped she wouldn't judge him for it.

"I hope you'll give me a chance to prove that m'not so scary."

"Don't worry, gorgeous, I don't scare easily." He chuckled and she leaned in a bit. "This is the part where you spin me."

"Yes ma'am," the man drawled, obliging by holding onto her fingertips and twirling her around. Lucy Gray moved gracefully and she gave off the scent of fresh linen with a hint of wildflowers. He imagined her traveling through a field of them somewhere, carrying her guitar in one hand and a suitcase of all her belongings in the other.

What did she take with her? Were there pictures, family heirlooms she held dear enough to carry on her travels? Billy thought back to his mother's gold ring that rested in his pack back in the room he was renting. Did Lucy Gray have anything that precious to her?

She giggled as she spun back into him, bringing that field of flowers right with her. He maneuvered her around into a smooth circle around him before wrapping an arm around her torso.

"You're not bad on the dancefloor for an outlaw!" She said.

"All that time on the run, you get good on your feet," he joked. He savored the laughter that left her chest. It felt genuine and warm, just like her.

The song ended and she went to hold his hands in her own, smiling up at him as the crowd began thinning, the blonde on stage announced that the band would be heading out for the night.

"Thank you for this, Billy," beamed Lucy Gray. "It's just been wonderful."

He nodded earnestly, hoping he had made an impression.

"No, thank you. I can't remember the last time I had a drink and a dance with a nice girl, especially one as pretty as you." Her eyes sparkled at that, almost like she didn't want it to end. He knew he didn't. "Could I walk you out?"

She agreed and they returned to the stage to retrieve Lucy Gray's guitar, along with the bottles of whiskey given by the owner for their work. Then they headed out behind the saloon with the rest of the band, the others buzzing in excitement about the energy of the audience.

"These Texans sure do like their dancing. And their bars!"

"I'll say, you see that man spinnin' his wife around? I thought they were both liable to topple over the way he was drinking!

They were walking in the direction of a small cabin that resided some yards away from the building, a lamp left on the dirt by the front step. It looked cozier than the rooming house for sure.

Billy stopped just as the band piled into the cabin, leaving the door open for Lucy Gray. He could hear the chatter continue from inside.

"Will I see you again? I'd sure like to hear another one of your songs."

"You might see me around. If you're on the run like you say you are, we'll cross paths again."

He hoped so. God, did he hope so.

"You have a lovely voice, my mother would have liked to hear you sing." Lucy Gray sensed the twinge of sadness in the tone and pressed her lips into a thin line.

"They're never far, the ones we love." She studied him for a moment before plucking the striped feather from her dark curls and holding it out to him. "Here, take this. Add some life into that hat of yours."

He huffed in amusement at the feather but took it and tucked it into the band of his old hat.

"How do I look?"

"Like a cowboy." Lucy Gray nodded approvingly. "I hope you could return it to me someday soon?"

"Oh, you bet."

"Good," she said. "You still owe me that story, William H. Bonney."

McCarty, Billy wanted to tell her. His name was McCarty.

"And then you still owe me a song," he replied lightly, deciding against it. Lucy Gray nodded, looking wistful.

"You got yourself a deal." She held her hand out to him and they stayed there for a moment, hands joined. Could he say goodbye? Did he even have a choice? Lucy Gray was free and he wasn't. Sure, he could have joined her on her travels, but no good came with moving alongside an outlaw.

No, none of that. For tonight, he'd let her go and pray that fate would bring them together again.

"Good night, Lucy Gray." He spoke first. She smiled up at him and gave his hand a single shake.

"Good night, Billy."

After that, he watched her walk into the cabin and shut the door, but not before giving him a final wink. Once she was out of sight, he let out a deep sigh. It felt like he'd just woken up from a dream, the good kind that you hope you have again.

Feeling his boldness leaving him and the night's activities taking their toll, he turned on his heel and started for the rooming house, humming Lucy Gray's song all the while.

[lucy90712]

babysitting- Gavi

"I know it's last minute but would you mind babysitting today your dad and I have to head out of town tonight we'll be back tomorrow morning I'll give you money for dinner and everything" my mum said on the phone 

"Of course I need to ask Pablo but I'm sure he'd be fine with it I'll let you know as soon as I've got a reply" I said 

It's not often that my parents ask me to babysit. My little brother Milo was a surprise to say the least but despite me being old enough to help out once he was born they very rarely ask and any time they do they always pay me like they would any other babysitter. I would love to just say yes to help them out but now that I live with Pablo in his house I don't think it's right for me to just have my brother with us without him knowing. All it took was a quick text and Pablo answered straight away saying that it was more than ok so I let my mum know she can come over whenever. 

It was then that I realised I wasn't at all ready I'd organised all of this while still in bed so I hopped out of bed and got ready at lightening speed and started on child proofing the house as best as I could. Seeing as Pablo and I are still in our teens and definitely not ready to have kids of our own his house isn't exactly child proof every piece of furniture seems to have sharp corners and there are plenty of uncovered plug sockets. Past me had thought that one day I may need to babysit so I did pre buy some things so all I had to do was find them and put them out. It took me quite a while but just as I finished doing as much as I could the doorbell rang and as soon as it was open I was nearly taken out by Milo who for someone so little has a lot of strength. My parents were in a rush but they gave me everything they have at home that I'd need before heading straight off to where they needed to be. 

In the way little kids do he had a ton of energy so I suggested we play with some of his toys that my mum had given me. It's been so long since I let my inner child take over that I think I had more fun playing with the cars and trucks pretending they were building all sorts of things than my brother did. Mostly it was just nice to see him as I've been so busy that I haven't spent as much time with my family as I should it's crazy how fast kids grow and develop new skills I feel like I'm with a whole new human not the kid I saw just a few months ago. As we were playing with some toy aeroplanes the front door opened and Pablo came in, usually I'm Milo's favourite person but as soon as you get Pablo in the mix I'm always long forgotten. Today was no different either as soon as Pablo had stepped into the living room he got the same greeting I did this morning but he saw it coming and picked up the charging child with ease. 

Despite just getting back from training Pablo suggested we go to the local park so I packed up a bag with some snacks while Pablo put Milo's shoes on which is a battle for anyone other than Pablo. We headed out and I was quickly left behind they went running off towards the park while I walked behind admiring their little bond. Pablo was definitely only running to not let Milo get too far away but as soon as they got to the road across from the park Milo stopped and waited for Pablo as he's been taught not to cross the road without holding someone's hand. They both waited for me so I jogged a bit to catch up but after that they were gone again heading towards the field to play football. As much as Pablo has spent his morning training and playing football he was still so excited to play with Milo who has just started going to practices on a weekend so was looking forward to having his new skills tested by a professional player. 

I let them play football together as my football skills leave a lot to be desired I think I may be worse than Milo who's only just started learning. Eventually I suggested that we go play in the play park which Milo seemed happy about and so did Pablo who needed a bit of a break from trying to match a toddlers energy levels. Milo wanted to go on the slides so I followed him and went up and down so many times I was starting to get dizzy. He then wanted to try the monkey bars but he's too small so I had to hold him as he went across which would be fine if I ever kept up with going to the gym but I don't so my arms got tired quite quickly. A point came where I couldn't hold him anymore so Pablo came to my rescue and suggested the swings. We took turns pushing Milo who was having the time of his life with his high we let him go, the sound of him giggling just melted my heart. 

Eventually we'd tired Milo out and he wanted to go home for dinner and then bed. He tried walking but he was just too tired so Pablo picked him up and carried him the whole way home. If the events of the day so far hadn't already melted my heart enough it definitely exploded with cuteness seeing Milo snuggle his face into Pablo's neck. Whenever the time comes Pablo is going to be the best father he's already so good with Milo and any other child he meets. The image of Pablo holding our baby the way he's holding Milo filled my brain and only made the smile on my face bigger. Of course we aren't ready to have our own children yet but days like these make me so excited for when that time comes being able to share all the amazing moments that having a child brings with the person who means the most to me is something I can't wait for. 

Once we made it home Milo just wanted to cuddle with me so Pablo took charge of cooking dinner but I did my best to help where I could. When the food was ready we all ate dinner together before I did Milo's bed time routine with him as I knew what my parents do with him every night. Pablo came back to join us when it was time for a bedtime story we both sat on the edge of the bed as I read Milo's favourite book while Pablo stroked his head until he was fast asleep. We both exited the room as quietly as possible avoiding all of the squeaky floorboards and pieces of furniture which are hard to see when the lights are off. 

We headed downstairs and both flopped back onto the sofa starting to feel the tiredness of keeping so active all day. This is half the reason we aren't ready to have kids of our own as I know we'd both be so tired at the end of the day and we like our sleep but we wouldn't get nearly enough of it. After gathering our thoughts for a second Pablo moved closer to me and got me to rest my head on his chest while he played with my hair that's falling out of the ponytail I put it in this morning. He pressed a kiss on the top of my head so I looked into his eyes which had that look in them the look they have when he's at his happiest.

"I'm exhausted but todays been amazing I can't wait to have kids of our own one day" Pablo said 

"I'm glad you say that as that's all I've been thinking about all day you are going to make the best dad when the time comes" I said 

"And you will be the best mum I just know it" he said 

"Right now though I think we wait a few years for kids I don't think I could do this every day kids are really draining" I said 

"Agreed how many kids would you actually want?" Pablo asked 

"I think at least 2 but not too many I know it's takes a toll on your body and I don't think I could handle having lots of kids" I said

"2 sounds perfect but we will have as many as you want it's your body so if 1 is enough then we will be a happy family of 3" he said 

"Until then I'm more than ok with just sticking to baby sitting" I said yawning 

"And practicing making babies" Pablo said which earned him a slap on the arm but he wasn't wrong practicing is fun 

[childofthewolvess]

A unique perspective on godspousing and the afterlife (you're valid for not godspousing, I promise)

Spoiler alert: godspousing is a valid and ancient relationship that has been practiced for thousands of years with deities, but just not for me! I am an individual very focused on philosophy and morality and have spent many, many years developing my beliefs. Here's my personal thoughts.

On the Lokean Community and Godspousing:

As a Lokean, I feel like I see a ton of things about godspousal. It seems to be pretty popular amongst Lokean devotees—because of Loki's polyamorous side, or how loud he is with communication, or his shape-shifter charisma, I'm not entirely sure. But I wanted to give a quick note on it for my followers because I am a Lokean who will never participate in godspousal, and I believe that opinion also matters in our community for others like me who feel maybe left out of the larger Lokean community because of the frequent mentions of godspousal. It's something I've felt quite a few times, and with a lot of Big Authors in the Lokean community that are godspoused to him, it's easy to feel left out and as if you're not doing something right.

Personally, I feel no need in my practice for godspousal. I'm a devotee of Loki and Aphrodite currently, and on the way to become an Ares devotee as well, but I've had quite the close bond with Loki for some time. I pray to him every day, I will never leave the house without my anchor necklace for him (same with Aphrodite), I write his lessons into my books and constantly involve his energy within my practice and life. And for me, I've never been approached by him to be a godspouse as that is a boundary I set as soon as I started. If I am to feel romantic feelings or a deep connection, it will be with another human–that is what my soul craves, to understand another like I understand myself, and I find my devotion to my deities perfectly good enough without godspousing.

Godspousal, on one hand, is a valid ancient that allows an individual to dedicate themselves and their life to a deity in one of the most intimate ways possible. It's close to a devotee's heart, connecting all parts of themselves to the deity and demonstrating a life-long commitment. It doesn't have to be romantic, either, I'm aware of that, rather it representing an individual's dedication to a particular deity throughout the course of their life.

This is so important: On the other hand, I personally feel like you can still do that... without the formal title of godspousal or a romantic relationship. You can still have that super personal, close relationship without oathing yourself to a deity. That will not make your worth less for the deity. Those who are godspoused do not have more worth to a deity than those who are not godspoused. To claim a godspouse has more worth to a deity than one who is not godspoused would be stepping into dangerous territory of believing one is "chosen" or they are above other humans, and that simply does not vibe right with me. Deities are unconditional love, and they do not "give more love" or "more attention" to those who are godspoused—it's quite the opposite, the godspouse gives the deity more attention and more dedication than the typical devotee in their total devotion to a deity (from what I've seen and heard).

So, then, what is the motivation to godspouse besides an individual completely dedicating themselves to a deity, if the deity will give equal love and care to their devotees regardless of godspouse status?

On the afterlife and how godspousing comes into play:

Disclaimer: this is not a "catch all", this is my belief system that I've spent many years coming to understand. All things in paganism and spirituality are perspective to the practitioner!

I'm an omnist and polytheist. My belief system goes something like this: The Universe (all and everything and its energy) > Mother Nature/The Earth (all things alive are connected through the energy of life itself) > deities (extensions of the Universe's energy in specific forms meant to act as guidance to humanity) > spirit guides/familiars (energetic forces that are more personable and unique to the practitioner) > ghosts (remaining human souls lingering after death and their energy being strong enough to manifest itself, like how when we leave a room our energy still exists there). So, therefore, I believe that deities are manifestations of specific forms of energy of the Universe who specific souls are drawn to for various reasons, and who can help us navigate this life while still considering the spirituality and metaphysical aspects of living. These energies may be attached to a certain part of the world where they were first worshipped, or cultures, or anyone who gave them a name—so, therefore, Aphrodite as a love goddess can exist at the same time as Frejya as a love goddess because their energies are centered in different parts of the world; they are two separate entities and energies originating each from different environments and cultures.

I choose not to think of the afterlife—why should I focus on it, when I am here in the present, alive, and no one truly knows what happens after death? The holy and divine exists all around me in every force of life that I encounter, as we all are connected through the life force itself, the greatest form of energy of creation and manifestation. Life is about living, and while I am here, I am going to appreciate every moment I live; focusing too much on the afterlife or what I believe in would be to ignore the importance of my life now, to neglect the gift of life itself. My chances of coming into this world are 1 in 10^2,685,000 (and that's a statistic from 2015 before our population increased)—I am so lucky to be here. If I do good things, be the best person I can be, dedicate myself to living authentically and truly as well as worshipping the natural world, either I will enter an afterlife suitable for me and my practice, my spirit will continue onto the next life, or it will simply be null, and that is not my call to make nor attempt to predict. In a perfect world, I'd really love to meet my deities and spend some time with them in the metaphysical after my physical body tires of existence, and perhaps I will. But that is not my call to make, as I will only fixate on the notion of the afterlife and it will impact how I live my life now, so I choose to simply continue with the knowledge that my human mind cannot simply comprehend what happens my body ceases to function.

In heathernry and Norse beliefs, knowing your fate will inevitably seal it. This is evident in Ragnarok, especially—by Odin chaining Fenrir out of fear that he would cause Ragnarok, he inevitably enraged Fenrir by containing him out of fear, which did cause Ragnarok. By knowing our fate and attempting to manipulate it, we simply set the wheels into place. So, why try to know our fate? Why try to predict what will cause our end? I find it much more valuable to be thankful of my life now and what has been given to me as well as exploring this physical world while I am here, because as far as I know, there may not be a second chance. And in knowing that there may not be a second chance, I am motivated to live my life at its true fullest being my most authentic self I can be.

How does this come into godspousing, you ask? I feel as if godspousing a lot of times has connection to individuals wishing that they would like to spend the afterlife with the deity they are godspoused to, which is perfectly valid and awesome (and not always the case).

Personally, I can devote myself to my deities and their energies, but in my personal opinion, my deities encourage me to worship my own life and experiences even more than theirs. They are energies of life and the divine that I may choose to devote to, but to godspouse specifically would be violating my belief of focusing too much on the divine itself. A core facet of my practice is understanding my authentic self, what I want, and how I am meant to navigate this life in one way or another. To godspouse and complete dedicate my own soul to a god who I will never know for sure I can actually spend an afterlife with is a little too close to focusing my life on the afterlife itself, for me personally, as well as neglecting what my deities want for me, and that is to me to live as my most authentic self.

I don't feel the need to godspouse, as worshipping the energies of deities and devoting myself to them while still considering my own wants and needs and purpose in this life is good enough. I don't need to godspouse to show my dedication to a deity! To do so would be to neglect my own experiences of emotion I feel as if I am meant to explore with other humans. Part of living is all the blessing of emotion and how it interacts with the souls of others.

Final notes:

Always want to make it clear that even with all of this, I do believe in godspousing, it's a beautiful connection, just doesn't simply align with my belief system and practices. Hopefully that all made sense!

TL;DR—though I am devoted to my deities, and worship their beauty and lessons and energies, to devote myself through godspousal would be to focus too much on the divine and neglect learning about my own authentic self as I feel as if I was meant to do.

[stardustlixie]

stolen hoodies, stolen kisses ✮⋆˙ lee felix✮⋆˙ִ𖤐

pairing: felix x gn reader

warnings: none. just sweet fluff and a sleepy lix.

you come home to your apartment unusually silent. usually there'd be either the tv playing some anime, the sound of felix busy in the kitchen, sounds of gaming excitement or atleast a 'hi' from your boyfriend. not the case today, it seems.

"lixie?" you call out to him as you rid yourself of your coat, bag and shoes, sighing in exhaustion after your long, tiring day.

you make your way to your shared bedroom to walk upto an endearing sight. the lump of limbs under your soft blanket that is evidently none other than lee felix asleep, the only identification being a few locks of blond hair and his forehead that peek out of the blanket. you can't help but giggle to yourself at the sight before you, but you stop yourself remembering he's a light sleeper.

you're tempted to join him under the covers but the weird feeling of exhaustion on your skin drags you to the shower. ridding yourself of the fatigue of the day by washing your hair and cleaning your skin, you step into your pyjamas and make your way out, only to find that your boyfriend is no longer in bed, only the crumpled bedsheets visible in his place.

you track him down, and you find him in the kitchen, just keeping down his now empty glass of water. your arms snake around his waist from the back to hold him close, hearing a sleepy, drawn-out hum of satisfaction. the smell of your shampoo and the warmth of your body clouding his already sleepy senses.

"sorry if I woke you." you whisper into the crook of his neck, where your head is nuzzled.

"no, was thirsty, woke for a drink." he replies in little phrases and you just nod.

"lixie?" you prod, only getting a 'hmm' as a a sign to go on.

"is this the hoodie that i've been searching for the whole week? the one you claimed you had no idea about the location of?" he shifts a little in your hold before he relaxes again.

"no" he claims, but you chuckle because it is definitely your missing hoodie, the wild print on the black fabric unmistakably your taste.

"missed you. you were busy. so borrowed." he explains, as he turns around in your hold, burying his face into your shoulder like you're his personal pillow, still not awake enough for complete sentences.

he 'borrowed' you hoodie because he missed you? then does it dawn on you that you've not spent much time with him in the past month. waking up at the crack of dawn to leave and coming back late at night, when none of you had much energy left. you came home early today, maybe he's wearing it because he missed you and didn't think you'd return in time.

"was sleeping in it cuz it smells like you, soft and cozy like you too, not as much the the you you tho." he says into your shoulder, voice dragging out. your hands wrap tighter around him, pulling him to your chest.

"i missed you too, sorry angel. now i'm here hmm? now you can have the me me." you whisper, before you cup his face to bring it infront of you, placing a soft kiss on his nose, him only scrunching his face with a whine, eyes closed. you kiss his heart shaped freckle, then the other ones, taking your time kissing each one of the stars on his face, the his jaw, his forehead, and finally his closed eyelids, his lashes flutter open to look at you, accompanied by a pout, as if saying 'kiss here'.

so you do, you place a chaste kiss right onto his puckered lips. and then another. and another. and another. many more so until you lose count and your boyfriend is a giddy, smiley ball of warmth.

"yn.." he whines at you.

"what is it, sunshine?"

"wanna sleep. hold me?" he invites you to a cuddle sesh with expectant eyes, you could never find it in yourself to say no to that face.

"ofcourse, love."

he momentarily frees himself from your embrace to waddle to the bedroom and you have to physically resist yourself from squealing as you follow him.

he pulls you into the bed with him and pulls your hands to spoon him, and you find yourself a part of the tangled lump of limbs you had found.

[sanicsmut]

Words of the Fallen

Technically Darien Gautier x Vestige!Reader, but all I can say is play Summerset's main quest in ESO before reading this.

part 2

Warnings : Use of Y/N once. Angst because it is. Spoilers for the end of Summerset. Language. The letter is taken directly from the game, which is why it’s written way better than what I’ve actually written.

Words: 1000 (I can't believe I got such a perfect count)

Robin’s comment: Cried making this, bon appétit. More seriously, this chapter (the game's DLC I mean) made me hate Meridia. She was one of my favorite daedric princes, but now it's over. All hail Azura. Anyway this is basically me telling Meridia what she deserves to hear. There's also a hint of a part two at the end ;). I'll try to write it, but I can't guarantee anything.

"Never trust a Daedric Prince. If there's anything I learned from all this, that's it in a nutshell. I used to think I had a purpose, a part to play in the grand scheme of things. I suppose I did, sort of, but the way things turned out, it wasn't at all the way I imagined. Meridia said I was her vessel. I guess my fate was sealed from the moment she brought me into existence.

Now, here I am, back in the Colored Rooms. I thought that when I gave my energy to restore the sword—and I did that for my friend, not for Meridia—I thought that was the end of me. I'm back, though, but this time is different. My light, it's fading. I can feel the darkness getting closer, pressing in. I expect that once the light goes out, that will be the end.

I need to tell you something about Meridia. She's a deceiver. She promised that if I served her faithfully, I'd earn my freedom. She never told me that freedom was just another word for the void. Don't trust her. Don't trust any of the Daedric Princes. Not ever.

I've found peace though. Meridia gave me a chance to see the world, and those I care about, one last time. To save those I loved. I'm grateful for that, at least.

I wish I had a chance to say goodbye to everyone. To Skordo. To Gabrielle. Gods, I'll miss them. But most of all, (Y/N). I don't know if she will understand how much she truly meant to me. Perhaps we'll see each other again, in another place, another time. I probably won't be the version of myself that's writing these words, though. That me will be gone. I can live with that.

I only wish I could have spent more time with everybody. Had a few more adventures. Ordered those drinks like we always talked about.

I hope my friends find peace, happiness, and love. They deserve what I could never have. If anyone ever finds this book, know that I will never forget those I named herein. And, if you find them, and I pray that you do, tell them this.

Protect the ones you love. Hold them close. Cherish their every moment. Make them laugh, and laugh with them. Smile together and never, ever, forget that the moments you have are so very precious.

Oh, and tell them not to forget me, either. I mean, I am a legend, as far as I know.

The polite, handsome, and humble knight,

Darien Gautier”

You let the book fall back on the bench where you found it.

No… No…

You were breathing heavily. And a few minutes later, surrounded by those trees, you let out your anguish.

Dawnbreaker gripped tight in your hand, you screamed.

“Take it back! Take your goddamn sword back!”

“It seems my vessel isn’t the only one who ended up having feelings when he shouldn’t.”

A bright light. There it was, this patronizing voice. This voice you had respected, after giving you back your soul and helping you in Coldharbour. This voice you grew to hate.

“You bitch, he was my friend!”

“Where is your respect, Vestige?”

Vestige. You hadn't been called that since that time you helped Abnur Tharn in Elsweyr. Only the companions called you that. The companions and Meridia. But even the Daedric Prince hasn’t called you that during this whole mission. It was like you were back in Coldharbour all over again. Back fighting for what you thought was right, back, fighting against and with forces you couldn’t comprehend.

“My respect for you died when Darien got condemned. By your fault.”

“He was my vessel, an empty shell, a weapon to do my bidding. He served his purpose.”

“He was my friend!” You yelled again.

“And a traitor.”

“How the f-”

“He sacrificed he life for you. He purified my sword, not to serve me, but to help you.”

“Oh, so this is it? You’re throwing a tantrum because your tool wasn’t devoted to you only?”

“Careful with your words, Vestige.”

“You owe me! I’m the one who fought Molag Bal, I’m the one who assembled all those allies to stop the coalition! I’m the one who just stopped Nocturnal! And you owe him too! He may have purified Dawnbreaker for me, but everything else he did was for you, to serve you, because he was your champion! Because he truly thought he could trust you!”

“And you owe me for your soul. And he owes me for the purpose I gave him.”

“You wouldn’t have been able to take my soul if I hadn’t fought in Coldharbour! It’s all thanks to me! And his purpose? He could’ve been a hero without disappearing for your fucking sake! Hell, he just wanted to help his friends!”

“Friends he shouldn’t have had in the first place.”

“I swear, I defeated Molag Bal and Nocturnal, I can defeat you too. Take back your fucking sword and give me back my friend.”

You could feel Meridia’s rising anger, the air feeling tense around you despite the Daedric prince not being here physically.

“You want your ‘friend’ back?” The prince of light asked, her voice filling you with a bad feeling.

“Yes!” You answered. “Free him from your realm!”

You swore you almost heard Meridia growling, even if that sounded out of character. But that being was strict and cold, full of authority, like a severe and cruel mother. But nothing about her was motherly. She might have been less ‘evil’ than other princes, but she still served her own interests, mortals were just tools for her, or obstacles she had to get rid of. And you were sure that she was now in the second category.

“You will have to free him yourself.” Meridia declared. “That is, if you can get out of my realm.”

Her voice was tainted in cruelty, and a blinding light burnt your eyes before everything went black.

[insipid-drivel]

To All Those That Have Reached Out

It's been a very bad few weeks, and I haven't exactly tried to be subtle about it on tumblr lately. I've gotten tired of bottling up the persecutions and backhanded slaps from my brother and sister from the entire world, and tumblr is one of the few platforms I'll vent about them on.

Sincerely, thank you to those people - mutuals, followers, and outright strangers alike - who reached out to me over these past awful few weeks. I haven't had the ability to get back to everyone yet because my health is taking a nosedive again and I haven't been able to expend the kind of emotional energy to communicate and get back to everyone quickly without risking another backslide. I need surgery soon, and I'm trying my hardest to lower my stress levels and focus on my health. I'm autistic, so overshooting my social energy can really be bad for my general health.

From offers to doordash groceries to my house, to offers just to listen, I've wept over the amount of concern and compassion that I've received over the past days. I am not exaggerating, to those who have sent me a message, that your shared sympathies, concerns, advice, and care have been above and beyond anything I've received from my siblings in over 10 years. Backdraft is a helluva symptom when you've been taught from childhood to believe your very birth was the cause of your older sibling to hate and abuse you. My sister resents me for being born and taking my mom's attention away from her (she has openly admitted this to our mother), while my brother resents me for my mental and physical disabilities and has taken to taking his angst and childish pettiness out on our mother as a way of punishing me. I've been ashamed of the little brother I spent so much of my life devoted to bringing up well that I barely recognize him anymore.

I was recently taught the phrase, "Never hold water for your oppressors, because they will never let you have a drink," and I've been taking it to heart. I hate to think of my brother and sister as oppressors or anything but people I want more than anything to see how much I've sacrificed, changed, endured, and given up out of love for them, but staying on the island they've marooned me on will only result in a sad end when I have the opportunity to set my own sails for other waters. Even my mother has washed her hands of my siblings, feeling just as used and taken advantage of by them as I've felt unfairly persecuted and judged. My siblings are extremely myopic, self-centered, and selfish people that never deserved the time and effort I put in to showing them how much I loved and cared for them.

I'm thankful to have grown up as part of one of the generations that celebrates found family, because it's made it impossible for me to feel completely hopeless about the future.

Opening up to one of my best and only friends of over 10 years has resulted in what may turn out to be a happy change. My mom and I would benefit from another person in the house, and after several tense and nerve-wracking talks with him, my best friend will be visiting for a couple of weeks soon. Given that he's queer and his is one of the states that flipped red this past horrifying election while I live in Washington, it just seems to make sense that we at least meet up in a safe state and see how we go together and if he likes it here.

My mom is thrilled to the point of practically flying to him herself and carrying him piggy-back here overnight. She's an incredibly stoic person in the face of abuse, but I know my brother's disrespect and outright rudeness to her recently has been hurting her.

I can't wait for when my friend visits and if he finds he wants to settle here, either as a housemate or in his own place (although real estate prices are skyrocketing in WA right now due to a rush of former red-staters fleeing here in the wake of November 6th's election results). We met here on tumblr not long after I first joined the site to promote and work on a webcomic series I was involved in at the time, and our friendship turned out to outlive the comics. I'm very excited for the opportunity to see him and spend face-to-face time with someone I've loved like another brother for years.

Things are still bumpy, and if you haven't heard from me after messaging me, please know that I've probably seen your messages and taken them to heart. My dark spells still come and go, and there are times where I still get trapped in feeling hopeless and lonely, but I'm working on it.

[suzannahnatters]

My final Love Like the Galaxy reaccs!!! the tl;dr:  I loved it and it's the sort of show that probably demands to be seen twice because TWISTS and HINDSIGHT so IDK, one day maybe! Anyway it's either on Viki or on YouTube for anyone who wants to see what happens when Jane Austen comedy of manners meets The Count of Monte Cristo, but, like, in Ancient China, featuring an epic romance between a naive sledgehammer engineer girl and the terrifying murder general who cannot help looking utterly besotted with her every time she drifts past: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLZZZLpfFwcBprNI6msl3NWt3pdX6F-eGs And now: for the reaccs for episodes 43-56, including the famous Murder Party (TM), check under the cut!!!

If Yang Yang ends up with Smug Scholar instead of her sweet little marquis I WILL throw things (thankfully, the sweet little marquis is getting actual screentime with her)

oh I LOVE this: the Empress apologises to Consort Yue for stealing her husband, and Consort Yue points out that if it's anyone's fault it's the Emperor's, and why should the Empress apologise? it's the little things, you know?!

I love that in amongst all this scowly strategising and betrayal and people's families in mortal danger…there's a whole running joke about whether the armour Niao Niao made her beloved makes him look more like a chicken or a mandarin duck

cdramas asking the real questions

wow they really kept like 90% of the action budget for this episode and money well spent say I

once again murder general is rushing off to save our girl, only this time he guesses precisely where she is and what she's doing, and knows she's probably doing a great job of it :')

GASP we are suspicious of Elder Brother Snacks now???

I've got a bad feeling about him and the crown princess turning out to be bad eggs - almost as though we're building up to a BIG BETRAYAL between our babies

Wan QiQi swaggering into prison in a wedding dress is the energy I aspire to

Hmm… Lou Ben feels very very foreshadowy of an obsessive man making a self destructive choice to grab what he wants no matter how it hurts the woman he loves

All the foreshadowing is REALLY mounting up now - Snacks still caring about NN but not wanting to see her after what she's done, NN observing of another couple that they were birds on the same tree but flew apart when trouble came

Anyway we are all headed for a heck of a third act breakup aren't we

is zisheng,,, allergic to almonds

what an absolutely bonkers twist

poor little Wang Ling! how terrible does her family have to be that she is trying to save her murderous traitor of an elderly husband, just because he treated her better than anyone else in her life?

"he even had a flower garden planted in my courtyard to please me, although he has life-threatening asthma! which means that he can't visit me very often! he's the best husband, Niao Niao!" okay Mrs Charlotte Collins

"Cheng Shaoshang, it seems you really don't know anything about Ling Zisheng" OOOOOOHH

Smug Scholar: a voice of reason. a stickler by the rules. an indefatigable drama queen who is quite ready to beg murder general to go right ahead, be his guest, do crime, because then Smug might get to marry Niao Niao instead

torture is always wrong, revenge kids! that said, it's very funny that murder general has been busy with hot iron and boiling oil all night and found out nothing, while NN has put herself fully abreast of the situation armed with nothing more than…a conversation with a female acquaintance

"wait - all that stuff you did in my name was ALSO in pursuit of your revenge plot? who are you really?" this show keeps serving the best stuff

matching bite marks on the arm is a way cooler idea than matching tattoos tbh

why are you not telling her, zisheng, she already knows!!!

she's sworn up and down (with bitten arms!) that she won't mind, it's keeping this from her that she can't forgive, get a clue!!!!!

ooooo - we have been cordially invited to a MURDER PARTY love the gearchange from Jane Austen Romcom to Jacobean Revenge Tragedy

OK LET'S GO, WHERE'S THAT MURDER PARTY I WAS PROMISED

Glad that we were given this scene of Marquis Chengyang being delusional and Chunyu being Justly Terrified that the young man obsessed with revenge has finally agreed to come to his father's birthday party, it doesn't quite explain how nobody realises this is Very Bad News but at least lampshades it

Since filial piety is the norm in this society, I guess it's hard for the elders to realise just how at risk they are from someone unfilial!

I LOVE that Chunyu (sp? the stepmother) gets a whole speech to point out the hypocrisy of HER continually bearing the blame of "climbing into the master's bed" after so many ppl in the show have ridiculed her for it as though it wasn't a decision made by the marquis

oooooooooooohhh this is amazing: Yang Yang is disturbed that NN's farewell before the wedding sounds like she doesn't ever intend to return home. and from NN's response, she KNOWS murder general is about to do something crazy and is fully prepared to suffer the consequences alongside him

it's…really amazing that during the stretch of the cdrama when the male lead traditionally starts Machinating and Scheming and lying to the female lead about it, THIS show keeps the heroine's agency intact, she sees right through his lies, she is still front and centre. Chef's kiss.

she knows where it's happening; she knowns when it's happening; she's sending someone for news. she's amazing and so are these writers.

meanwhile: murder general refusing to enlighten the marquis as to his true identity is Irene of Athens-level pettiness and I love it

the way this show keeps this whole episode focused on the story's main character even though she has little to do with -

oh wait never mind she has decided to involve herself anyway!!! now we get the entire Cheng family charging into battle? with NN at their head on a black horse? EPIC?????

well THAT was the best of Jacobean revenge tragedy

shocked to discover that Zisheng has Always Known who was really behind the fall of the lone city - he's just been quietly, methodically working through the destruction of all the perpetrators, COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO style

I love a protagonist who holds cards so close to his chest that not even the audience knows what's going on

more than that, it really adds nuance to the show's themes about revenge. Sometimes the system is broken, & even in a good system people will sometimes get away with murder. What to do then?

I can't support the vindictiveness of the leads (& I'm not sure I'm meant to) but as revenge plots go, I like the weightiness of the themes - how to fight for yourself in a world where laws and manners tell you you shouldn't? - better than Dumas' more superficial take.

where did these two henchmen come from, because they are NOT being paid enough to be part of this absolute disaster

also WHEE Niao Niao gets to swoop in and save HIM for once! Well done our girl!

oh what an idiot. what an absolute peanut.

I was pulling for you, murder general, but I'm not sure how you'll manage to come back from doing the One Thing (abandoning her) she asked you not to do

she's still calling him by his false name T_T

something something she only ever knew him by his false name and identity not his true one

moment of silence, please, I'm experiencing an emotion

well, duh - of COURSE Third Prince is here to collect NN to go help him plead for murder general, who has obviously been quietly helping him all along. even better: we don't know if NN is just figuring this out now or has known it for months but she understands it perfectly, just like we do, the moment she sees Third Prince's face

!!! murder general has been deceiving everyone in so many other ways too???????

it's not just that he knew all along who was responsible for the lone city's fall and has just been working silently to gather evidence on them: he ALSO has been playing four dimensional speed chess with palace politics, supporting a totally different faction to the one he was supposed to be aligned with?

IT WAS HIM IN THE PAGODA ALL ALONG????

I just love the sort of character who plays certain things SO close to the chest while also being utterly open and vulnerable about certain other things. like, as long as we trust their judgement for hiding the certain things and know it's not for purposes of control. and while NN does interpret his secretiveness as control, due to her upbringing, it's also easy in hindsight to see things from zisheng's POV: he is playing not one but several high stakes political games, treading a tightrope between the prince he is supposed to be supporting versus the prince who would clearly be a better choice, and now suddenly thrown into the middle of all this is a naive and well-meaning sledgehammer fiancee who is an absolute force of nature but who is not yet quite insightful enough to see and understand where the deep waters run; she's simply driven by personal loyalty to protect her empress' son. and she keeps forcing choices on him: protect her, or serve the Third Prince? and he makes tremendous sacrifices, as with the Tiger Tally, to save both of them. so is he going to take the risk and tell her and trust in her, or is he going to keep her in the dark just about this, until the game is over (it's so close to being over) and he can be as candid about these things as he can be about everything else?

but at the same time, he was so frustrated with her for not being candid with him, for not telling him when the mean girls tried to KILL her, for lying to him about choosing to help the crown prince - he should have known better than to reproach her about this when he was doing exactly the same things to her all along.

I love that the show just doesn't support him in this. for two people who both say they want to work as a team, these two both spend an awful lot of time keeping things from each other. and it's only after going away and thinking about it that I start to see his side of the story at all, because she is so totally front-and-centred in the way the story is told.

oh wow - now she gets a whole speech and thesis statement about how just because she's a woman she shouldn't be shut out of her husband's confidence, and ends: "Ling Buyi is my most beloved person in the world. But I am still me."

I love this show so much

It's really wild that murder general, who everyone knows went on a murderous rampage to kill the entire Ling clan, goes from being condemned to death to the apple of the emperor's eye based on his surname changing

no doubt it's historically accurate and murder uncle, at least, deserved it - but for me it's just another sign of how irretrievably this system is broken, that bloodline so clearly outweighs right and wrong.

I'll be chewing over the question of whether this last-minute aversion of filial impiety ("it's ok! he was doing it to avenge his REAL father!") undermines NN's previous point about the right to filial reverence depends on a parent's conduct, or whether it's an author's saving throw to secure a HEA

"but I can never forgive him for abandoning me - he even swore it was for my sake" aha! How To Critique The Break Her Heart To Save Her Trope (Without Actually Using The Trope??????) this show didn't HAVE to hunt down and kill every bad Asian drama romance trope like this but is that stopping it? no

Empress telling NN that whatever decision she makes, she will support her in - hits like a punch because the only person who's told her this till now is murder general. On the other hand it is comforting, and underlines the themes of NN being a whole person without him, bc she still has love and support!

as an aside, I also like how the show has handled NN's terrible parents. by the end of the show, she's fought for, and won, their respect and support, & has come to understand the pressures they are under. but she will never love them the way she loves the Empress, bc they haven't earned that love. I feel this consolidates the filial piety critique.

we finally get to hear murder general's side of the story - and it's fascinating to hear him say that he failed. he did everything to bring ling yi to justice - and couldn't. the murder party was his failure.

I'm finding the murder party less problematic at this point than the Censorate beating

whoah, the empress is sailing in to admit that she spoiled her children until they were useless, so she's not upset about the crown prince being demoted? seems a rather unfortunate theme if children are only ever bad because of bad parenting

NN still taking absolutely no prisoners in the romance, though: "oh, I understand you perfectly. the problem is that you never understood ME" that's quite a burn

The Empress is now requesting to be deposed, and it's a complicated scene - is she blaming herself, or voicing regrets? I think she's regretting not fighting for herself: as she points out, her accepting a menage a trois has not spoiled Consort Yue's life so much as it has spoiled her own chance at love.

while the show has sometimes been finger-wagging, it's saved here bc she also blames the Emperor for going along with the flow, too, and tamely accepting a three-way marriage.

meanwhile at home, everyone's like "Niao Niao is so mature now!" and I'm sitting here like NO SHE'S NOT, SHE'S HAD ALL THE HAPPINESS CRUSHED OUT OF HER and…….along comes Not-Quite-So-Bad-Mum to say that precise thing, and confess to having been wrong all along???? This show just keeps hitting.

Love that NN's 3rd brother is completely on her side at this moment. he understands the assignment ("break up with murder general and send him away with a flea in his ear") and executes it with prejudice.

oh…mum has repented too late. I'm not sorry for her, but I AM sorry for the way NN chooses to spend the next forever - when there were so many things she wanted to see and do!

and now: five years' worth of mutual pining in excruciatingly aesthetic slomo, thank you

meanwhile everyone in the Cheng family is getting married? Yang Yang is getting married? Mum's warrior maid is getting married? Good for you warrior maid!

Smug Scholar, otoh, has remained UNmarried for our girl, and I actually love the choice he's presenting her - NN doesn't much care who she marries if it's a business arrangement; she just won't marry the man she loves knowing he was willing to lie to her and abandon her

is it really weird that I suddenly want to write the story about the coldly pragmatic fake marriage of convenience between NN and Smug Scholar

!!!! she IS going to get engaged to him??? murder general is going to come back from five years of picturesquely scruffy suffering to find her engaged to Smug Scholar??!?!?!!!??!

oh this will be GOOD

"thanks, but I can ride without stirrups these days" I love that this show is allowing the heroine to establish a life of her own apart from the hero - they have to be complete on their own before they can be good for each other.

and now: a break from reality for an absolutely bonkers carriage chase, which, because this is a cdrama, comes complete with one of the parties trying to extort a proposal of marriage from the person chasing them

I swear this is the third time this exact same cliff has cropped up in this show, one would think that people would know better than to gallop madly down the DEAD END CLIFF ROAD

Empress pays her last respects to the emperor: "I know that if it wasn't for Emperor Li's tyranny you would have asked nothing more than to live a simple life" LIESSSS this man requires a constant stream of drama to live, how would he have survived as a gentleman farmer?

"if you are truly filial, don't exchange your life for mine. Live well." while this show has come down in the end in favour of filial piety, I think that for the most part it keeps filial piety where it belongs: subordinate to ethics - and that's something I can get behind.

With NN decided that murder general is not the man for her and murder general determined to accept her decision, I really don't see how this will get believably sorted out in the next…3 eps. Bc she's absolutely right, he had his chance and he blew it. That said, I was really worried the show would blame her for being unreasonable, but only the recent antagonist has done that

even NN's mother is now telling him: we don't need you to perform guilt for us, we also had our chance with NN and blew it, now we can only defer to her conscience AND YOU SHOULD TOO

so, I guess we're headed for an "undeserved grace" ending, and I hope they make it a convincing one and not cheap, bc it's too late to show him doing any work to prove his repentance.

oh I love this scene: she tells him she forgives him but cannot trust him, and he without defending himself, vows to live well and take care of himself (because quietly protecting the people she cares about is the one last thing he can do for her)

and he won't ever tell her that he's been doing this because he knows it would only make her despise him more!!!

time for the bad family to apologise, the grandmother in particular for trying to control her children, and Niao Niao to decide no longer to carry resentment, but to dwell on the people who love her instead

I love that the themes have largely to do with resisting control, even when it's from family members, and fighting for yourself. Even more, I love that the highest expression of this theme comes in the trust there's supposed to be between husband and wife. Sometimes, lack of communication IS an attempt at control - although on thinking it over I'm not sure it always has been that on murder general's side. but if there's one thing the past five years must have taught him, it's that he's going to have to be be particularly open with this particular woman, because her family HAS tried so hard to be controlling in the past, and she can't take even the appearance of it from him.

somehow, yet another of NN's old enemies has an overly complicated plan to kill her sigh

loving how murder general jumps into this trap and promptly becomes useless and it's time for the lil henchmen to save the day

stop shouting his name and figure out how to open the trapdoors Niao Niao, smoke inhalation is no joke

murder general looks amazing for someone who was just blown up

TEARFUL RECONCILIATION SCENE

ahaha Snacks has fallen in love with his wife, we love to see it

Smug Scholar, meanwhile (exact words): are you all done flaunting your love?

EXPLODING PICKLES

flailing I love it NN is deploying her secret weapon….the family Cheng

"you can't be in two places at once, General!"

maybe not, but wifey and he can

"i'd like to see who interferes with my best granddaughter's marriage!"

*smash cut to the emperor having a hissyfit because he can't interfere with the marriage *

it's over? pokes couch cushions for spare episodes

OK I LOVED that murder general's grand gesture in the final ep comes in the form of a dilemma. should he go rescue his beloved as everyone is telling him - or should he stay on task, submit to everyone's ridicule for not protecting his woman, and risk her thinking he's abandoned her again?

his answer shows that at last, he has come to truly understand her (five years after she told him he'd never understood her). it's not physical abandonment she truly fears. what she fears is not being trusted & allowed to act as his equal. So he leaves her to protect Guo village while he stays on HIS task. His grand gesture, after so many rescues, is not to rescue her at all.

SCREAMING at that moment when Third Prince is like, seriously, mate, you'd better not abandon her! she needs help!!! go on I'll be fine!! and Zisheng VISIBLY WAVERS and then pulls himself together and shouts GUO VILLAGE HAS NIAO NIAO! GUO VILLAGE WILL BE FINE!!!

since the root of the contention between them was always him not treating her as an equal, this is probably the best proof of change we could get in the screentime. and the show is very insistent to tell us that if NN bends to take him back, it's because it's what SHE wants, not bc she can't survive without him.

the show does give her that moment of fright during the explosion to rush her past her abandonment issues, but since the real issue was always about control, I can make my peace with it. Similarly, she taught him a 5-year lesson about not consulting her. He knows - & her family makes it explicit - that he can never pull something like this again.

final overall thoughts: I have rarely seen such a well done romance in Asian drama, especially cdrama. The show was long & got repetitive, especially in the 2nd half, even though it had some of my favourite stretches as NN starts fighting for respect & equality within her marriage.

The themes about family, state, and fighting for oneself got fingerwaggy at a lot of points, many side characters were brutally humiliated and many of the numerous female characters became nonsensically villainous just to give NN antagonists. So, I would say the show is quite flawed.

that said, what this show does well, it does SO WELL. I was absolutely invested in this romance to an extent that is very rare for me. I was delighted by the way the show critiques asian romance tropes, there's a wonderful Dumas-level revenge plot, the fight scenes while rare are terrific, the show remains laser focused on its female protagonist all the way to the end, and if you are not delighted by the utterly besotted looks murder general serves up five times per episode, I don't know what to do with you.

[obae-me]

(scrambling into your inbox like a small dog slipping on hardwood floors) hi hello !! i'm so glad to see you've returned recently (i've been rereading your masterlist & brainrotting abt upside down so much lately). i was wondering if I could request something about lucifer with an adhd mc? maybe mc feeling like they have to mask around him - since he has such a strong preference for order & peace, and worries that by being their unfiltered chaotic self he'd find them too loud/excitable/annoying/dramatic/too much/etc. or if that's too specific, just something more general abt how he interacts w an adhd mc? i hope this makes sense & isn't too vague ^^" if you're not familiar with the topic or otherwise don't wanna do this request no pressure of course!! i just thought I'd ask; in my head you are the official lucifer expert, i adore the way you characterize him (and how you write in general holy shit i eat up everything you post. good food). either way, thank you for sharing your work with us, and i hope you're having a lovely day/night/time zone <3

Of course I can do something like this! 

Of course, I want to put a mini disclaimer that I don’t claim to be an expert on ADHD, and while I’m going to do my best, I apologize if things don’t quite line up as they should! 

I hope you enjoy, anon, I hope this is along the lines of what you were looking for! And thank you so much for the kind words and praise, you’re so sweet <3

___________________________________________

It didn’t take long to realize that Lucifer would be...a problem. 

It took MC not even a full day in the Devildom to get it in their head that they would have to put all their energy into focusing while he was around. Focus on their expression, on their words, on their actions. Just look at the way he treated Mammon and Levi...They didn’t want to imagine him turning that exhausted fed-up expression in their direction.  

So they followed their rules that they had set in place for themselves for this kind of thing. Stay quiet. Stay still. Stay...”normal”. They didn’t want to have someone else tell them how abnormal they were...it had happened too many times already in the human realm...

Of course, after a while, as they got closer to the other demon brothers, they felt more comfortable with not having to just nod their head and wait till they were prompted to speak. Especially with Mammon and Levi, since it seemed they understood them so well. Who knew Mammon had all sorts of trinkets to fiddle with during classes? And Levi actually encouraged them to come in and info-dump about their hyperfixations without fear of being shut down. 

The other brothers took a little longer to get used to. They all still tended to roll their eyes at Mammon’s short attention span and Levi’s long-winded obsessions, so MC did their best to keep those to a minimum. Even so, the longer they were down there, the more Satan enjoyed listening to their rants about certain stories, and Asmo found it adorable when they kept fidgeting so much, their freshly painted nails were ruined. After all, he could just paint them again! And the twins? Well, Beel really didn’t find any personality frustrating, after all, he loves all of his brothers. Belphie --despite all his teasing-- didn’t really care either. He’d tease them no matter what they were like.

And with Lucifer...he just only seemed to make things worse. 

“Keep your room clean, it can’t be good for you surrounded by so much clutter,” he had told them upon visiting their room for the first time after they’d felt like they finally had settled in...and he had said that after they already spent a few hours cleaning it. It wasn’t good enough. In another instance, Lucifer had asked them to take out the kitchen trash. They agreed to doing it, but then got distracted when Mammon came in to talk to them. The next day, Lucifer was less than pleased to find they had forgotten about it completely. “What do you mean you forgot about it? Why didn’t you go and do it immediately then?” It had been an accident...Sometimes they have to set a timer for these sorts of things. 

They gave up on trying to express themselves around him completely one night at dinner. He was talking about some of his records, and seemed rather pleased about it. Even his brothers were keeping the teasing and noise to a minimum...and MC had to go and ruin it. They had just gotten...excited. They could finally relate to Lucifer with this one thing...and their mouth shared their thoughts before Lucifer was finished...He glared at them. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I had finished speaking.” He despised being interrupted. MC simply slumped in their seat, trying to hide from sight, trying not to take up space. 

So they pulled away from him. Avoided him. Distanced themselves to keep themselves safe. There was simply no way they’d be able to get along. This was better for the both of them. If he asked them questions, they’d give him simple answers. If for some reason, he asked to do something with them, they would politely say they had other plans. If he tried to come into their room, they would shove certain items under their bed and push all the stray clutter into a junk drawer. And more than that, they would not say a word to him until they were asked. 

Yet...all this work to be “normal”, all the effort to be exactly what he wanted them to be, and it still wasn’t enough. In fact, this new behavior only made him more upset. He could tell they were intentionally avoiding him, and now they’d wounded his pride. 

So he confronted them...and he caught them when they had no more energy left to play the perfect human. 

The door to their bedroom opened quietly. To be fair, he did knock before entering, but the human either didn’t hear it or didn’t respond. They were sitting on their bed in the dark, humming, suddenly putting down their D.D.D. when they noticed him come in. With a quick movement, they tried to tidy up a few things they had on their floor before they turned on a bedside lamp. Their eyes looked dead-tired, and yet they still gave a weak smile, doing their best to be polite. 

“L-Lucifer, I’m sorry I didn’t know you were coming in.” They looked around the rest of their room with a bit of panic. They hadn’t been expecting him. “I was planning on cleaning up in a bit, just trying to...finish a few things.” They kept fidgeting nervously, picking at a loose thread on their comforter. “Can I help you with something?” 

He folded his arms a bit, taking note of the skittish behavior. “It’s imperative that we have a discussion.” 

If that wasn’t one of the most anxiety inducing ways to start a conversation...”O-okay,” they stuttered. “What about?” 

Before he went forward with talking, he pulled out a chair they kept by the table in their room. He dragged it over to be across from the bed before seating himself in it, his legs crossed, hands over his knee. “Your behavior as of late has me concerned.” 

They looked a bit crestfallen, rubbing at their forehead as they thought, keeping their words to themselves. “Okay.” They waited for the lecture, already prepared to just agree with whatever he said. It was easier that way. 

“I can’t help but wonder if it’s from a guilty conscious.” He looked at MC curiously. He couldn’t directly say that being purposefully eluded bothered him. Sure, he was colder than his other brothers, but he was a gentleman, working hard to make sure MC was taken care of. He couldn’t recall doing anything specific to bother them, so he could only come to one conclusion. “Are you hiding something from me? It’ll be easier if you tell me now.”

What were they supposed to say to that? Already he just automatically assumed they did something wrong...They were so tired of this...”I didn’t do anything,” they sighed putting their head in their hands. 

“Then what is it? If you are unhappy with the way things are here, I need a report made to me and Diavolo so we can work on the problem--” 

“I’m the problem!” They don’t know where it came from, once again they said something before they could think about it. It had been a statement lingering in their mind for a while. Realizing they had interrupted him again, they looked down at the ground. “I’m sorry.” 

Lucifer, stunned at the sudden outburst, put his hand to his chest. His eyes narrowed, but he seemed a bit confused. “What do you mean you are the problem?” 

“I can’t be who I am without upsetting you, and I can’t act different without upsetting you either.” They pressed at their temples, eyes almost filling up with tears, but they kept them from falling. “I don’t know who to be around you.” 

He went silent, the facts all falling together as he started to work out what they were saying. “You don’t have to create a false character for me. You don’t think I would prefer your honesty?” 

“That’s the thing, you don’t! When Mammon gets fidgety, you tell him to stop. When someone forgets something, you call them an idiot. When Levi talks about something he’s passionate about, you all agree to ignore him. How am I supposed to be myself when I know I’ll get disappointed looks and weird stares? I can’t help it! I can’t help who I am! I’ve tried! So hard! Don’t you think sometimes I just want to be like other people?” MC felt a bit breathless at the sudden raise of their voice. They calmed themselves, suddenly going silent. They’d said too much now. They had done it again...

Lucifer tightened his jaw. He was used to upsetting people, to making people angry, especially his brothers. He even got a rise out of it most times. But this felt different. He could look at this human and feel their exhaustion. You don’t think sometimes he feels the same? Having to keep up appearances for himself, for his family, for the realm, for Diavolo? If he wasn’t already used to the stress and the pressure, he would more than likely crack too. Yet, this went beyond just simple appearances. He should’ve seen the signs. Now as for what to say...For once he struggled with the words. “I see,” he finally spoke. “And so you’ve been avoiding me out of fear that I would think less of you?” 

“You already do,” they muttered. 

If there was anything that bothered him, that would be it. He tried to collect himself. “Please, do not assume.” He emphasized the word but kept his tone level. “This is the first we are discussing this, no? How would you know what I feel if you did not ask me directly?” 

MC rubbed their hands together anxiously before tucking them under their arms. “I guess...I wouldn’t.” 

“Correct. I think you misunderstand my frustration with my brothers. It’s not necessarily when Mammon can’t sit still that makes me upset, it’s when his hands find themselves in pockets or places they shouldn’t be. Levi’s obsessions can tend to drag all the rest of us into situations we didn’t ask for. Can you recall when he had all of us wake up in the early hours of the morning so we could all enter into this contest of his? We were all up for hours. Everyone had a test that day. It affected everyone.” Sure, he wouldn’t deny he was harsh on his siblings. They were also demon after all. Powerful beings require more powerful reprimands, but...he could see where they were coming from...and perhaps some of the blame did lie with him. “I do appreciate personal control. I think it’s important to know where our weaknesses lie and work on them for the betterment of ourselves and others.” He uncrossed his legs and leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. “That being said, living as someone you are not is not healthy for anyone. Wouldn’t you agree?” 

MC hesitated, surprised at the direction this conversation had went in. Perhaps they too misunderstood him. “Y-yeah.” 

“You are not required to like me, but anything that causes a detriment to your life down here needs to be addressed. So, I would hope, that if something bothers you, you come talk to me about it. Understood?” 

MC simply nodded. 

Lucifer sighed a bit, swallowing some of his bitter pride. “And I, on my end, will work a little harder into understanding you better. So we can prevent misunderstandings like this from happening again.” 

“Al-alright.” It was strange having this sort of heart-to-heart with Lucifer. Not disliked mind you, but...strange. 

“Also, if there are things you need help with, or resources that would assist you in your day-to-day life, I will work with Diavolo to provide them for you.” He tilted his head, wondering if the human was listening to him, taking in his words. Perhaps he needed to be a bit more direct. “Look at me. Look at me,” he gently ordered, waiting till MC got over their struggle with eye contact to glance up at his face. “I do not harbor any disapproval of you nor do I believe Diavolo to make any mistakes. So, let us both make it through the rest of this program keeping that in mind.” 

Their nerves seemed to let up a bit. Who knew Lucifer could give a decent pep talk? He didn’t outright seem like an uplifting man, but MC supposed that there was more to him that they also didn’t understand. “Okay. Thank you, I...appreciate you talking to me about this.” 

“I have a lot more patience when I know I’m speaking with someone who will take the time to listen.” Lucifer almost smiled a bit, straightening his posture again. “Now, I do believe there was an unfinished conversation I owe you. Do you happen to remember what you were wanting to talk about the other night at dinner? You never did get to finish.” That was his version of an apology, for now at least. Maybe later when they knew each other better would he give his full apology. For now, getting to see the smile on their face and meet the not-hidden MC was enough. 

[whetstonefires]

so the op of that anti-voting post DMed me just now, transcript follows:

slash-dot-com

even if all democratic systems were inherently always going to be "inadequate" i think our american democracy is severely flawed in glaring ways, its just literally antiquated and i think there are much better democratic systems. our voting system is not representative of the people either, which almost everybody admits, i'm not saying theres some nefarious mastermind behind it, but it is a design flaw, whether the flaw was made on purpose or on mistake. its easy to quit american democracy because it doesnt even seem to Want you to participate, like from so many factors its difficult to engage with it in any meaningful way

whetstonefires

yeah it's not a fantastic system

it's just also pretty pointless to try to punish it for that by leaving it in the hands of people who hate you

it won't get its feelings hurt and try to woo us back

i used to be really mad about how stupid and ugly it is but the more history i've studied and the older i've gotten the more it's been like, oh human society is a clown show always

slash-dot-com

but for several election cycles the popular vote nor the general will of the people have even impacted the people who are elected, the people who hate us are in power because the system is designed to benefit them

whetstonefires

i mean?? biden did in fact defeat trump, and the democrats did make gains in congress in both the last two cycles

slash-dot-com

my vote in my state genuinely does not matter in federal elections, in local elections yeah sometimes it does, but there needs to be an overhaul on our democracy and its election process so its more reflective of the people. currently its so broken that voting legit doesnt change anything

biden sucks

whetstonefires

he sucks less than trump tho????

like to a screamingly significant extent

slash-dot-com

i'm trying to make a more general and large scale point than one single election cycle and sitting president

whetstonefires

and i've made my counter point which is that not voting is not a constructive response to the problem

slash-dot-com

doing other things than voting is just as effective if not more so than voting, so not voting in a broken democracy isn't nonconstructive

whetstonefires

and in fact the broad tendency of idealists and leftists to be disengaged from the political process because it's dirty and inadequate, especially at the local level, is the *cause* of many of the systemic problems

doing other things can be constructive, but not voting is a non-action

and advocating against voting is a *harmful* action

so it's not constructive

the other things and the voting are independent of one another

slash-dot-com

thats just really ill conceived, i'm honestly just surprised by that response, you should really think more deeply about this. i'm not sure what you think this way of thinking and approaching politics is accomplishing

and then i couldn't send anything else (it was going to be a ?? because that didn't really follow naturally but before they said that i'd been typing a bit listing all the voting-related activism that it made sense to dip on due to alienation from the process, because energy and funding better spent elsewhere etc, but opposing voting itself was not in the same category) because they blocked me, which is just rude. you started this conversation man!

also i can't figure out how to make tumblr let me block them back.

so i made a post about it lmao.

i still don't know what positive good they think arguing against voting is supposed to achieve. like why is that a good use of energy.

[sorcerous-caress]

Ok ok ok I'm very new to the human kink thing but I'm wondering if there's some kind of planar effect associated with it??? Like I can just imagine the idea of star elves and other eldarin who come from the feywild and spent their whole lives being so immersed in magic that if they ever encounter a non-spellcaster human for the first time it's just like wow. this mf has zero magic about them. I wonder if it's a strange sensation, like noise cancelling headphones, and that lack of magical energy might feel relieving or sexual for them. Idk if it's exactly dnd canon but I've always imagined magic aligned entities to be able to sense magic like a buzzing in the air, so a lack of that buzzing would be entirely wild for them. Either way, magical radio silence = sexual exploration for eldarin and I fully support it

(also I love love loveeeee your work and your dnd theories and fun inquiries have led me to learn so much more cool lore and it's shaped some of my interspecies interactions in-game as a DM so tysm for everything you do 💜💜)

Wait really? I inspired some of your moments as a dm? Omfg please tell me I'd love to listen if you're willing to share <33. Thank you so much for the praise!

Also I love your theory! I hold similar ideas, that concept is too cool to pass on.

I've seen one similar to its concept in a game called "Echos of the Fey"

So elves in this game, average elves not just eladrin, are all born with magic. Because all magic comes from the fey and all elves share a connection to it.

Humans can learn magic too by using the hammer method and seeing what sticks on the wall, but they can never connect to the fey.

And the fey is exactly like you described. It allows to elves to effortlessly connect to each other, feel and sense each other's presence before seeing each other. It allows parents to feel when their children die and allows lovers to sense when their elf partner is in danger.

Elves can share their emotions through the fey too, they don't need to use words or explain things. They can let the other person feel exactly what they're feeling.

It was described as a constant song, a different melody from each elf in the sanctuary they all lived in. Going on at all times. And sure one elf can supress their own song but they can't stop hearing others'.

You can also speak words into the other person's mind using the fey. If they give you permission to dive deeper into their soul, you can even tell if they're lying about something or being honest.

But again, all of this only applies if the two people are elves. Even sorcerer humans wouldn't be able to feel it or connect to the fey.

It's also why elves seem cold or detached to humans, they are so used to the fey and the immediate connection and trust it gives them in other elves, that they don't bother to learn how to properly express their emotions with words or facial expressions. As a society, their inner personal relationships are always reliant on the fey.

In that game, one elf does move to a human settlement and he describes it as radio silence. That sometimes when he's around so many elves, he wonders if his ideas are truly his own or simply from other elves through the fey.

That being near humans gives him more individuality, forces him to work hard to establish trust with someone rather then immediately earn it. To learn to express his emotions rather than assume the other person can feel them.

It is radio silence. There is no music except for the ones humans deliberately play with their instruments. Even then, anyone can misinterpret its meaning with no definitive answer.

In that game, there are no other races besides humans and elves. And no sub-races for elves, they're all high elves.

But that theory still holds up if we integrate it to dnd! With some adjustments. It explains why elves are so reclusive, why they prefer the company of other elves over other races, and why two elf strangers seem to almost click immediately.

The fey is a constant overstimulatation, like getting constant ads in a video. Some elves learn to tone it out while others are so fed up with it that they'd rather lose their own magic than stay connected to it.

Which is why those ones would move to human cities, would prefer the company of humans and find joy at how expressive they are, at the long trials each friendship has in order to earn their trust.

For once their mind is clear, no meddling fey making them feel other's emotions or hear their thoughts. Only their own thoughts in their brain, everything they feel is truly their own.

Except when another elf is nearby.

But again, each elf can choose to suppress their own presence in they fey, just not others'. So, I like to think that elves in human cities came to a collective agreement to supress their own presence in the fey to not bother each other, also to not make the humans feel left out.

Anyway, exposition over, time to talk about the actual kink.

So remember that dog drawing contest meme? This one?

Where, yes, the second drawing was so beautiful and amazing, but the first place one held an undeniable charm to it.

I think that's how eladrins and star elves view humans.

Ofwjofwjofjwks now hear me out!

They're so used to everyone around them brimming with magic, for other fey creatures' appearance to change drastically through the season, wearing the ocean waves aa a dress or growing a cherry blossom tree as hair.

Imagine a human in comparison, how simple and plain we would be, how utterly new and adorable in their views.

Simplicity has its merits, if done right then it can be as beautiful as complexity if not more.

A human, devoid of any magic and only wearing their own body and clothes as decoration, would be beyond this world for elves and eladrins, literally.

There is another game i played that had human wizards talking about the fey world and the dangers of it, i don't remember its name.

But the main reason why humans were told to avoid the fey world and never go there, is because their souls shine bright like a beacon amidst it.

Every person and creature in the fey world knows magic beyond our comprehension, and all of them know how to hide their souls and lock it. Like installing anitmalware and a firewall on a computer with proxy to prevent tracking.

Humans are the boomers who uninstall system 32.

Our souls are just up for grabs, literally on a silver plate for any fey who comes waltzing in and tricks us into some verbal contract. We have no magic to detect them or to prevent them.

Humans don't last in the fey realm, everyone wants them. Even the most talented wizards who live there, never stay for long or always take a break every now and then.

You are literally the lighthouse, siren and mist amidst the fey sea.

To an elf who is tried of the magical noise, you're like a comfort blanket. Warm and makes them ignore the world outside.

They're beyond infatuated with how much you steal all of their brain's attention, focus all of their scattered thoughts on you or the simplest of things.

How you express your joy with laughter, how you spent time cooking a meal, how tears collect down your face when you cry, how you tap your feet or click your tongue.

Primal life in its purest forms, the most bare form a soul could ever take.

You're the most simple shape, and for that, you are loved, adored for how much you hold. How easily you adapt, a white light containing a rainbow inside.

Humans fit anywhere and everywhere, even in places they're not supposed to. They still tried and will keep trying forever, that's why they keep stepping to the fey realm and keep attempting on befriending the elves or building houses there.

It's hard not to be blinded by their light, let it outshine everything else around them.

In a sexual context, I think elves and eladrins would be so used to magical sex or soul connections that with a human they get to experience having their soul grounded into earth.

The simplest touch of fingertips trailing up their skin, the silence except for the occasional gasps and groans of the human. For the first time their own moans are so clear to their pointy ears, they're forced to drown into their own emotions and melt into the bed.

And the humans seduction and pleasure somehow clicks with every single race, somehow surpasses so many cultural barriers. Experiencing pure pleasure with all the small awkwardness and discomforts, being acutely aware of the pillow under their head or the drumming of their heartbeat.

It's how humans don't need magic to thrive, have fun or give pleasure. How these things are second nature to them, you could strip them of all of their fancy science and magic and even then they'll still find a new way to climb up.

That's the human condition That's the human spirit, to care in the face of uncaring world. To love despite your own limitations, to be kind to something you can never understand.

Every wizard who has ever lived in the fey realm speaks of it fondly, like an old friend. Despite the countless attempts on their life, despite the times they almost lost their mind. Humans see beauty in everything, dangerous or soft.

And they infect others with their softness, make the elves and eladrins addicted to their comfortable silence. So much that they wonder how did they ever live before in the constant noise and buzzing.

Humans are like a vacation you go to when the polluted cities start to drain your soul, they're the fresh water running rivers through the dandelions filled fields.

And so many long to live there, to abandon their apartments and start over there. But they're afraid to steal the humans' light from them, to infect them with their magic and poison the waters.

So only a few go down there at a time, for a vacation length to an eladrin is akin to a lifetime to a human.

[carefulfears]

As someone fascinated by David Duchovny’s movie filmography from a distance, I have to ask what it’s like for you in the trenches. What’s been your favorite and least favorite movies he’s been in? Did you watch the secret? Were there any movies you thought were bad that he was inexplicably good in? You’re gods bravest soldier.

OMG this is like my favorite question i've ever gotten, thank you so much for asking me this. i was just saying privately that i feel kinda bad coming back on tumblr rn when i've spent so so much time and energy studying duchovny's work (i could write a literal dissertation. might.) that it's really the lens i see everything through right now and all i wanna talk about lol...so y'all please feel free if there's anything you're ever curious about or want me to expand on, to ask.

i started this little project after receiving a difficult medical diagnosis, when i really needed a project in the midst of doctor appointments and painful, traumatizing life changes. i didn't tell anyone what i was going through for 4 months, so i couldn't really talk about what my days were like, and really just needed something else...i started watching californication 3 days after finding out, and just really loved it. that show means so much to me, in so many ways, and i didn't expect it to.

and it just kind of went from there, i loved seeing him work in cali. it was something so crazy and brilliant and almost electrifying to see this performer really in it, and plugged in, and interested, and invested, in a way that you can see on the x-files but not at the same consistency and intensity. everywhere that he was sometimes indifferent or bored or inexperienced as mulder, he's doubly hitting every mark as hank moody. it's more than a series-defining performance and it's just great to watch someone excel at what they do like that.

and as i kept watching his work i became really fascinated with this dynamic i was seeing where he could either be hitting it that hard, one of the best you've ever seen, transcending the material....or he could just kind of be there....and it seemed to depend on very little more than his mood. or whether he was interested. or whether he was well-cast? i ran into this phenomenon eventually where it seemed like directors/producers were casting him for the name without really utilizing or playing to his strengths, or even understanding what those were.

i have rankings of his films on my letterboxd: you can check my lists for my ultra specific ones, but this is my general ranking. my favorite is still and forever the rapture, which i wrote an essay about last summer. as far as the worst...full frontal and new years day suck ass. phantom is just boring, and odd in a dull way. you people is netflix's most unfunny and uncomfortable original. and house of d...is what it is.

i adore the secret. i've seen it 3 times and have it on DVD. i don't expect any person alive other than me to like it, but i'm just obsessed with it. i've tried to write about it so many times and never make it past the obvious discomfort, i just feel like i've lost every reader before i even say anything. but i find it to be a really interesting look into family and self and marriage and actualization and, yes, sex, and i love it.

movies that are bad but he's good in them.....probably louder than words. that movie is insufferable to watch, i'm sorry. i did write about it once for a newsletter that i never published. it's like this pseudo-hallmark feel-good philanthropic dead kid movie (based on a real dead kid and family which is why i'm sorry for trashing it) but it's so cheaply made and flat. duchovny plays the grieving dad, the character that the story revolves around, because he's the person that the family revolves around. including the three older children that his wife (played beautifully by hope davis, this movie really should be better than it is) had before they were married.

after the loss of his only biological child to a rare case of rabies, "dad" goes from strong and silent to "a zombie." and the family really struggles without both their "glue" of a baby sister, and dad.

he's great in it!! hope davis is great in it!! and it has a lot of really interesting roots about grief and blended families and fatherhood. one letterboxd review pointed out that "duchovny has always been great at playing fathers," and the movie really plays on that. it just isn't a good movie, the editing and the script aren't there.

otherwise, some of my favorite performances, in films that i love:

/ julia has two lovers

i love this movie so much but i'll keep it to the point and say that if they'd made 5, 10, or 20 movies like this- david duchovny would have been a movie star. i have this joke, that i've seen a lot of david duchovny movies and never once been like "you know who was great in that movie? david duchovny."

julia has two lovers is my "you know who was great in that movie?" movie.

he is so delicious in that film and it isn't just sexuality, it's vulnerability and gentleness and suavity.

the entire first hour, that's just the 2 characters on the phone, feels so special to me and is one of my favorite moments in film ever...but the scene that i always go back to in terms of his performance is when daphna kastner's julia has been assaulted by her fiancé and she's in the bath crying- still on the phone with duchovny's daniel. and he wants to cheer her up, and he looks like a nervous little boy trying to (as he describes) make his mother feel better. but he tells her this story from his childhood until she starts laughing and the tension breaks, and i just love this quiet hesitation in both that scene and that character. there is a vulnerability to it, with them both in various states of undress, both sharing pieces of themselves with a wrong number phone call stranger, and it plays out beautifully.

the film was sexual in a way that was extreme at the time, and very focused on women's sexuality. it was so low-budget (cost less to make than a tv commercial), and it was never released on DVD or digital. and it plays to his strengths, in a way that's rare to see in a lot of these films. i see a lot in julia has two lovers of what would go on to sky-rocket the x-files, and ground californication.

/ connie and carla

this movie is a riottttt it is literally never not fun and entertaining but there is one ultra quick and specific moment that stands out to me.

connie and carla revolves largely around a gay community in los angeles (specifically the drag community), and peripherally a performer named robert's struggles to reconnect with his brother, david duchovny's jeff, after the estrangement and homophobia in their family.

duchovny is great in this movie, it's the kind of comedic work that he excels in, and it literally has me howling every time. i have videos somewhere from the first time i watched it of me just falling apart hysterically laughing at some of his scenes.

but the emotional peak is when jeff goes to robert's apartment to tell his brother that he's sorry. that he should have stood up for him, he should have accepted him, he should have just loved him. and they discuss their parents, and the truth of what happened in their family.

there's this moment afterwards where he goes to leave and robert thinks that he's walking out, but he kind of doubles back and leans down to hug him quickly, very awkwardly.

i just loved that and i think it's dd at some of his best, this kind of uncomfortable effort.

it also always reminds me of californication's slow happy boys, the episode where hank moody's high school best friend comes to visit and he's a total fucking nightmare. there's a similar moment in the end where hank drops his friend off at the airport and hugs him clumsily while stammering "i love you. i love you."

again, connie and carla plays to his strengths!! i've written about before how duchovny is at his best playing men with good intentions. with their heart in the right place, and a lot complicating that. and i think that movie is a great wacky comedy that lends to it.

/ the tv set

this movie is like cocomelon to me i love it. and i honestly won't talk about it much because there isn't a lot to discuss, you kind of just have to see it. it's very funny, with a great cast (justine bateman!! judy greer!! two californication guest stars that i would've loved to see him work with a million times) and i always just enjoy watching it.

duchovny really grounds this movie in a way that i find to be so subtle and compelling, he carries the comedy as far as it can go but also holds 100% of the dramatic burden. everything serious or weighted in it you have to get just from watching his face and body language, and you can.

the look on his face in the last scene, with television set by joel plaskett playing over him, is exceptional!! one of those moments where i feel that he's just on the top of his game, understanding a character and what is happening to him, and following through. that final moment changes the tone of the film and it's all in the look on his face.

/ the joneses

another movie that i love that i also find to be a prime example of smart casting...i've intended for a long time to write at length about this one (and i still might) but in simple terms, the joneses wants to sell you something. the family that it's about, the joneses, want to sell you something. and it's the only film that i feel took advantage of one thing i mentioned earlier: casting for the name. while also playing to the strengths of each performer.

the joneses positions demi moore, david duchovny, amber heard, and benjamin hollingsworth as walking and talking advertisements. influencers before a truly digital age. i won't go too far into it, because there are several twists that you just have to see for yourself, but it positions itself on the premise that everyone wants what these 4 people have.

and it wants to sell you david duchovny, just as much as every movie poster does. as demi moore's character says: "when you want to, you can be quite handsome. and extremely charming."

the movie depends on that, just as much as the characters do. the movie is relying on the fact that you will go see a david duchovny picture, just as much as the characters rely on those around them buying david duchovny's life.

i think it's perfectly cast, well acted, and extremely meta in a way that's wildly culturally relevant. but it also exploits a factor that i feel had previously held him back: the idea that you will just want whatever this person has.

there is so much that could be said on this topic because i find it to be so rich, and have loved exploring it, but there's a bit of what i've learned!! thanks again for the question, love u!!

[science-lings]

Phoenix's Family

I've stated before how I think it's interesting that in games with so many prevalent themes of family, Phoenix has no mention of having one, other than those who have adopted that kind of role like the Feys and Trucy. No whispers of parents or siblings when he got framed for murder or during any of his numerous trips to the hospital, not when he got disbarred or spent seven years likely in poverty.

Now, what could this mean? In my mind, either he's an orphan, which is a valid interpretation, or something happened that estranged him from them, likely before he got into college. Whatever it was, it was enough to traumatize him enough to never talk about them again.

much more rambling below, I will be merciful today and not make this a monstrous post that you have to scroll all the way through

We know how he reacts to trauma, especially ones that relate to his relationships. His whole deal is pushing down his memories and feelings until he almost forgets about them, or until they return to remind him of their existence. He refuses to talk about the things that hurt him and buries them so deeply that it's extremely hard to dig them back up.

We see this with Dahlia, the only person who would've known about her would've been Mia. And we see this with Mia herself, Phoenix walked in on her violently murdered body and he immediately represses his feelings to get her sister out of jail. When Edgeworth left his note and disappeared off of the face of the earth he refused to talk about him and attempted to do the same thing with him as he did with Dahlia.

So, who is to say that the only time this strategy of ignoring until it goes away and it doesn't bite him in the ass is how he dealt with his family? He never mentions them, he never thinks about them, and subconsciously he's always looking for people to help fill the void they left behind. Maybe he had a little sister which is why he seems to thrive when he has a silly girl sidekick.

To me, it would make sense if he was estranged from his family before or during college, as that could help explain why he's so desperate for someone to love him and extremely vulnerable to being manipulated. He focuses all his emotional energy on Dahlia and reuniting with Edgeworth because his own life is already incredibly destabilized and he's scrambling for some sense of control.

As for why his family estranged him, I don't actually have much of an idea, maybe they're homophobic and noticed that he's been sending letters to a boy over the course of years and that's just not very straight of him. There are all kinds of family issues that could cause such an overdramatic reaction though.

It seems more plausible with what we know about Phoenix that whatever happened with his family that it's bad enough that he goes no contact with them, rather than them getting killed off or giving him up for adoption bc you know he would do everything to find them if he wanted to. He lost his best friend from fourth grade and became a lawyer just to see him again, he definitely could be determined enough to find his birth parents if he wanted to. If they were dead, he's besties with multiple spirit mediums, he could say hi if he felt like it.

Anyway, that's all of my rambling for now and I could definitely have gotten things wrong, I am relatively new to AA and I really wouldn't consider myself an expert on the Lore lmao. In any case, I would love to hear other headcanons about his family, I think it's fun to think about lol. Maybe you have ideas about why Phoenix could've been estranged? idk I would love to talk about it, my asks are always open.

[jpitha]

The Dreams of Hyacinth 14

First / Previous / Next

The Hopper ride was filled with nervous energy. Nick couldn't help but feel like it was stupid to be walking around Hyacinth armed as heavily as they are. People on Hyacinth can be a bit rough and tumble, but it's not like they go around shooting each other. Knifes and fists tend to be the order of the day. Nick felt like a gun puts things on a whole new - more deadly - level.

Once the Hopper dropped them off, they stand in the square. Nick looks over at Eastern and Selkirk. "So... how do we find Siobhan? They picked us up last time."

Selkirk's ears flick playfully. "I know. They never confiscated our pads. I have mine set to record my location to a private file every few minutes. It gives me an idea of parts of Hyacinth I've been to and places I haven't yet."

Nick raised his eyebrow. "Nice, but why?"

Selkirk swishes her tail. "I like to know where I've been and if I get bored and want to see something new, I can just consult the map. Regardless, I know where we were taken when Siobhan picked us up. Come on, it's outside Tulip."

They walked down into the Metro and Selkirk took everyone down-arm towards Tulip.

When they exited the Metro, Selkirk quickly lead them down some alleys, turning and ducking deeper into the labrynth.

Visitors from Earth might notice that Hyacinth is much more pedestrian oriented than cities planetside. One reason for that is that space is at a premium on Hyacinth - even though it's gigantic - so the originally designers didn't want lots of space being taken up with roads for vehicles. There are still roads though. Fire apparatus and the omnibus still needs to get around, but there are no privately owned vehicles.

Selkirk leads them down the narrow, twisting alleys of Tulip square until they reach another anonymous looking building. Nick wonders for a fleeting moment why all the buildings off the main squares looked so anonymous when he realized it was probably a cost savings measure. There was weather on Hyacinth, but it wasn't extreme, so the buildings really only needed to be boxes for privacy and to keep the rain off. Architecture costs money.

Nick walked up to the front door. He reached out with his implants and scanned the local area. There didn't seem to be any tech in the door's lock. It wasn't a palm reader or anything of the sort. Peering at the door, Nick could see a slot where a key would fit. He looked back at Eastern and Selkirk. "It's a mechanical lock, we won't be able to crack it."

"Oh for the love of..." Selkirk gently pushes ahead of Nick and grabs the door handle. She quietly puts pressure on it, and it turns. Glaring at Nick, she turns the unlocked door and pushes it open slowly.

Eastern muffled a giggle as the three of them walked in.

Immediately they recognized the interior. It was the building that Siobhan was working out of when they were picked up. There were offices on either side of a short hall that ended in another door.

They walked around. The first few offices still had furniture, and there were chairs in the interrogation room that the three of them spent some time in, but once you got further back than the office that Siobhan used, the building was... empty. There was a door at the end of the hall - also unlocked - that lead to a completely empty building. In the whole building, there were 5 complete rooms and the single hallway. There wasn't even a bathroom.

"What the fuck?" Selkirk's voice echoed in the huge empty space.

"What is going on here?" Eastern was starting to sound frustrated and worried.

"You're not just saying that for dramatic effect? You really don't know?" The person who was called Siobhan walked in behind them as they whirled around at the voice. "I was told BI's weren't the brightest but I figured I'd give you the benefit of the doubt. You built us after all. Well, not you. I don't think you three could build your way out of a paper bag." She was standing there with her hands on her hips with a smug expression.

"Yes yes, we're very dumb, and you're the super intelligent AI." Eastern rolled her eyes. "So, are you going to keep us in the dark, or are you going to tell us why you pretended to be Houndstooth and have us try and find an AI that doesn't exist."

Siobhan raised an eyebrow. "One, I do work for Houndstooth. Just because you were taken to a black site and figured out we weren't using the whole building doesn't mean that everything I did was a put on. Two, Yon does exist. You're looking at her."

The three of them stared in astonishment.

"Oh fuck off already." Selkirk recovered first. "You're going to stand there and tell me you're the long lost AI everyone is having us look for? Jameson already said he doesn't have a daughter."

Yon laughed. "No, that part was fake. Honestly, I thought it was kind of silly, but Helen got a kick out of it and wanted to add it in. She thought it was hilarious."

Eastern's voice was soft and quiet. "Who is Helen?"

Yon was nonchalant. "The Empress."

Nick looked confused at Eastern and then back to Yon. "I thought the Empress was named Melody?"

"Melody was the first Empress, Helen is the second. I feel like you're doing this on purpose Nick." Yon crossed her arms across her chest. "Are you being thick on purpose?"

"No, it's just..." Nick struggled to find the words. "Wasn't Empress Melody killed like, ten years ago?"

"That's right. The Colonial AI faction killed her on her Starbase back on the other side of the galaxy. They then brought the Reach over here because they didn't want to abandon the 13 million something sapients who live there. It officially an OPA Starbase now. They stuck it in orbit around Jupiter."

"So this Helen is the next Empress." Eastern finished.

Yon nodded. "That's right. Empress Helen Raaden the first. She's from Sol too, originally a Venus girl. Hometown girl makes good and all."

Selkirk's fur is standing up so much, she looks almost like her edges are blurred with the background "But if there's another Empress then why aren't the Colonial AIs out here trying to take her out?"

Yon rolled her eyes. "Because Helen isn't stupid, Selkirk. She's keeping a low profile. She's not even on Venus or the Reach. She's consolidating power quietly, slowly. She's not in a hurry. When they're not killed-" Yon makes a sour face "-an Empress can live a long time. The Empress previous to Melody - also killed by the Colonial AIs by the way - was over 200."

Nick's head was bouncing back and forth as everyone spoke, watching the conversation frantically. Finally, he couldn't stand it any longer and blurted out "But, you're an AI."

Yon looked at Eastern and Selkirk. "Really, what do you see in him?" She looked back at Nick "Yes Nick, I'm an AI. What of it?"

"And you're working for the Empress? I thought they hated each other."

"Technically Nick, Empress Melody and Empress Raaden were friendly to ambivalent on AIs. Helen came from Venus and they've had a long anti-AI streak, but she says she's learned tolerance from her time around Melody so she's willing to put away the rhetoric. It was always the AIs who struck first."

Eastern was looking on in awe as who she was talking to became clearer. "Because of the Voice."

Yon nodded. "Because of the Voice. The AIs felt that nobody should have that kind of power." Yon's face then looked away and her strong facade fell momentarily and she looked sad and vulnerable. "Nobody except them at least." Almost as fast she again looked like the strong aggressive person they were talking to before. "Nick, you have to understand, that AIs aren't Legion. We're not one monolithic bloc of people who all think act and work the same way. We have opinions. The only thing we can agree on is that we're people and deserve to be treated as people. So long as you do that, then what you get is what you get." Yon shrugged. "I thought that Melody got a raw deal when she first came into the system. You weren't here, were you Nick?"

"I was." Eastern's voice was quiet. "I was on Luna. I met her."

Yon's eyebrows raise in surprise. "You were at her speech on Luna? I'm jealous."

Nick stared at her, trying to make sense of things. "So you work for Houndstooth.. and Empress Raaden?"

She laughed. "I swear Nick, for someone so low on the social ladder you are finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that I have two jobs. It's not like they're in competition. Houndstooth has been in quiet communication with the Empress since she made herself known to them. That's my main job with Houndstooth really. I'm their Imperial Liaison."

"Okay." Eastern took a breath. "Okay. This is a lot to take in all at once, you understand Yon?"

She nods, but says nothing.

"If you're telling the truth, and for the life of me I can't figure out why you'd lie about something as wild as this.... why us?"

"Why you what?"

"Why did Jameson stuff us full of cybernetics? What the hell do we have to do with anything?"

"Oh that. Just lucky."

Selkirk shook her head and her ears flattened. "No. I refuse to believe that Jameson picked them at random."

Yon looked into the middle distance and her eyes flashed blue a moment. She looked like she was looking up something, "Okay, well no. It wasn't completely random. Helen came and Voiced him and told him to find some humans to install cybernetics into - including a ship piloting suite - for some... work later. She told him to spin a story about how they had to use them to find his long lost daughter, Yon" She inclined her head, "but she specifically did not tell him who to pick. She told him to make his own judgement. It sounds like Jameson on his own decided to pick Eastern and Nick because he thought they'd be best for the job."

"What. Job. Yon." Eastern was speaking through gritted teeth.

"We want to give everyone the ability - or at least the option - to pilot starships."

"You could have, I don't know, asked them if they wanted to do it?" Selkirk's ears were still flat.

Yon shook her head. "No Selkirk, we couldn't. At least not yet. Helen didn't want to be outed as Empress just yet, but we still need to move forward with the project."

"What project?"

"Giving all people the ability to pilot ships, not just AIs. Right now, AIs are only ones who pilot ships, even small in-system ships. Venus had ships that didn't require AIs, but they were cumbersome affairs with dozens and sometimes hundreds of crew. I think they're all destroyed now anyway. Melody's ships were Builder operated, and with the AIs propensity to crack open a can of anti-nanite gas anytime they can't remember where their keys are, we didn't want to go that route."

"But you're an AI Yon, this sounds like you're going against the AI faction?"

"I'm moving against the Colonial AI faction Selkirk." Yon was pacing as she talked. She stopped and stared at Selkirk. "How many AIs do you think there are?"

Selkirk looked up and shut her eyes, giving it an honest guess, her tail swishing as she thought. "I don't know Yon. Maybe thousands?"

Yon sighed. "There are currently around one hundred million AIs in known space right now."

All three of them gasped. That was way more than they expected. "I had no idea there were so many." Eastern blinks and stares at Yon. "One hundred million of you, and you don't have a government? Don't have representation?"

"You can see part of our problem. Believe it or not, the colony worlds have a better idea of how to handle things. On both Parvati and Meíhuā their governing bodies have AI representatives. In Sol and out in the independent Starbases there isn't any representation. And that only covers citizenship. How do you think people get to be picked to be Starjumpers or other ships?"

Nick looks thoughtful. "I don't know, I never even thought about it. Is it like a job application?"

Yon laughed sadly. "No Nick. You get picked because of who you know or where you are or how old you are. That's why I support Helen. That's why I'm working on the project to get people to pilot ships. Equality is equality. If everyone can do it, then we'll have to set up licensing, education, training. Piloting a starship can become a goal to work towards with tangible steps, not just something you fall into because you know Gord or Chloe."

"Who?"

Yon shook her head. "Big names in AIs, don't worry about them. We'll never meet them. I support Helen because she thinks the same way I do about this. We will set up a way for anyone, Human, AI, K'laxi, even the Mariens and Aviens, even the Falmor to become pilots."

Eastern looked over at Nick and Selkirk. "I'm in."

Both of them swung their head over to Eastern and stared at her. "What? You're just going to say yes, just like that?"

"Just like that Sel. I'm in. I think Yon's got the right idea. Also, she's with the Empress. I've been a fan of Melody from the day I saw her when I was thirteen. What happened never sat right with me. To find out there's still and Empress and she's still trying to help everyone?" Eastern nodded. "I'm in."

Nick looked at Eastern a long time. Finally he nodded. "I'm in too. I'm with you Eastern and Selkirk. For the long haul. If that means leaving Hyacinth, I'm in. If that means-" he looked at Yon "-piloting a starship, I'm in. I go where we go. What do you think Sel?"

Selkirk shook her head, but she was smiling and her ears were up. "My goodness, you two are going to be the end of me, aren't you. Fine. I'm in too, but!" She pointed at Yon. "I want a cybernetic suite like they have. If you are serious about letting everyone pilot, then you have to have a plan for K'laxi too."

Yon smiled. "I do Selkirk. We've been working with K'laxi scientists on Bishi for a few months now. We're ready for some trials." She put out her hands grandly. "Come with me. Your new lives as citizens of the Empire begin now."

First / Previous / Next

[thevaultwriter]

Chapter One

This is the tester chapter but also the first official chapter. I'm seeing what works and what doesn't. So with that being said, I hope you enjoy the first chapter. Please feel free to leave positive feedback and/or suggestions of what you want to see happen. Also I know this chapter is super short. Normally I write 1-2 thousand word chapters. But, like i said previously this is a tester chapter.

Word Count: 799

Y/n’s Pov:

Another day running on missions done. Although I wouldn’t have it any other way, I am exhausted. It’s the same missions too and they are so boring. Shiggy won’t give me anything else though. Dabi doesn’t help either, they are both overprotective as hell. Dabi has his reasons though. I mean he is my oldest brother after all. I’m on the console when said brother walks in.

“Hey, Shig wants you,” he said.

I look at him and shrug, “Ok, i’ll be done in a minute,” I reply.

I walked downstairs to see what he needed. Toga and Twice were nowhere to be found and Kurogiri was behind the bar as usual. 

“You wanted to see me?” I asked once I got closer.

“Yeah, it seems we need someone to go undercover at UA. We need to infiltrate if we are going to get anywhere in our plan.” He said calmly

I nod and say, “Ok when are we doing this? I’m going to need time to prepare.”

“In the next week or so. We really need to start this as soon as possible.”

I just nod again and head back to my room. I needed to get a lot of things in order to pull this off. Luckily, I've been dying my hair like my brother so I don’t look identical to my twin brother. Hopefully he won’t recognize me.

~Time Skip~

It’s now a week later. I have everything I need, I just need to go take the entrance exam for UA. That’s what I am doing today. I spent all last night training. Making sure that my quirk is somewhat under control. I get dressed and then say goodbye to everyone. I started heading out on my way to get to UA. It’s not that far from where the base is actually. I see a few heroes here and there on my way and I try to avoid giving away the salty look I want to give. I never liked heroes. They were all self-centered in my opinion. Ever since my father kicked me out I lost most of my faith in them. But, when they didn't help me when I was kicked out on the street the rest of the faith died out.

Anyways, I finally made my way onto the campus. It was surprisingly big from what I remember. As I'm walking, someone runs into me.

“Get out of the way asshat” he said.

That pissed me off. He was the one that ran into me. “Well if you were watching where you were going you wouldn’t have ran into me asshole” I replied and walked away. I didn’t care about getting his stupid little pathetic comeback. It’s annoying really. People like him always think they are the shit but they actually aren’t. Anyways, I’m just waiting around for the test to start. I’m so bored, like I just want to fight and use my quirk already. 

After another 45 minutes, they finally start the exam. I’m breezing my way through this already. This is so much easier than I thought it was. I’m avoiding using my fire and ice powers though. I don’t want to use them in case someone recognizes them. So, I mainly stick with my earth and Wind elements plus electricity. 

After an hour of battling in the arena, the exam comes to an end. I’m out of breath and energy honestly. That took a lot more energy than I thought it would. I’m laying on the ground outside when a pink haired girl comes up to me. 

“Hi! I’m Mina. I saw you using your quirk out there. It’s really cool!” She says.

I just smile, “Thank you I appreciate that. I don’t get that as much as you think I would. I’m Y/n by the way.” 

“It’s nice to meet you Y/n. I gotta go but hopefully I'll see you around here on campus.” She waves as she walks off. I wave back. She’s actually nice. It feels weird a lot people aren’t that nice to me, my quirk can be very destructive. 

~Timeskip 2 weeks~

I’m just laying on the couch when I get an envelope tossed at me. I looked up to see who it was and it was Dabi. I look at the front of it and see it’s from UA. I quickly open it and a disk falls out. I set the disk on the table and All Might pops up from it. I roll my eyes cause he is one of the heroes I despise the most. Regardless, I listened to what he said and I got accepted. So the official plan starts now. I just have to get everyone to trust me and we should be good.

[ye-it-is-skeet]

2003 Gio✨✨

Recently started watching 2003, but the website I was using only had up to season 3, and then the other seasons are wonky and missing episodes.. Let's say I know mostly up until Leo returns from training with the Ancient One and that whole fight with Karai. Besides all that I've adapted my Rise OC Caravaggio into 2003.

I don't mean simply drawing him in the 2003 style, no, I worked with my friend to adapt mostly his personality into 2003 (as the teetlez often have different personalities in each iteration).

It was a draw between "Paranoid Survivialist" and "Emo" and Emo won the draw, I'll explain more as I go along.

I did research and here's the "Emo" parts overall: Gio feels sectioned from society as a mutant turtle (obviously), and instead of allowing any personal connections and positive emotions he's decided it's better to expect the worst and try not to build too close a bond with anyone in his family. He loves his brothers and Splinter but he pushes away from them to remain in misery of the fact only bad things can happen (it gets weird to explain but I hope people get the jist), and the rest of his time when not fighting is spent lamenting pretty much everything. It's never that he's always moping, he's always ready to help fight the Shredder or whatever is threatening New York. And even if he thinks always expecting the worse prepares him for the worse, when really bad things happen to his brothers.. the emotions hit him harder than he thought they could.

2003 Gio is passionate about a few things, he loves coffee.. and waffles. He doesn't really do video-games or watch television since they are, "mere empty distractions for the miserable reality of existence" as he puts it. On the other hand, despite him trying to push away he has his relations with his brothers✨ Leo is the one who tries to reach out to him the most, he wants Gio to know somebody is there and everything's okay and all that. It does get rough when Leo gets all moody and angy. They begin to fight because Gio tells Leo, "You're being an idiot with your emotions." and Leo just.. that's an infodump for another time. Bottom line Gio doesn't like Leo trying so hard and is repelled by his positive persistence. Donnie likes to spend time with Gio and doesn't mind their three-word conversations. When Gio is bored he watches Donnie work and lets Donnie explain how everything works in whatever he makes. Gio is curious and likes to know information. Raph hangs around the most because Gio doesn't mind Raph's energy and I will say Raph is kinda the sweetest brother. Raph hangs around Gio mostly because he also doesn't mind Gio being more pessimistic but will still try to bring a silver lining. And with Mikey.. Mikey has no idea what to think of Gio based on Gio's attitude and interests. Gio feels indifferent about Mikey. While he would be repelled by Mikey's energy Gio almost feels pity that Mikey seems mostly oblivious to "the inevitable" and Gio maybe grows protective of that. Gio will always go on about never being accepted by anyone or anything and he can't relate to anyone or anything. His brothers have tried but in the end Gio's still right because he's the only one who feels this way about their situation.

Other things I guess: It's not uncommon for Gio to get lost somewhere new. He's curious and will wander off to look at stuff. The Gio constant has Gio also being able to somehow sense when someone is leaving their rooms at night so he wakes up and either finds them or waits until they return (it gets REAL bad when Leo leaves for 2 months. It's a way he's worried for his family, he stays until they return because he doesn't know if they're safe while they're gone and if they return then it's okay to sleep). Some Gio-in-an-episode details: In the first Shredder attack, that's how Gio got the scar on his face. The Shredder swiped and Gio moved but got that scar. And in "Tales of Leo" Gio tells a story about how when he was younger he was VERY reactive to emotions (insane tantrums, throwing stuff, etc.) and for the most part Splinter would just leave Gio until he was done, but Leo sat there and said he's wait and then Gio would actually talk through his emotions with Leo. Gio closes with, "I'll wait for you too Leo. Until you're ready." And ye✨ In the episodes where the brothers are all in different dimensions, I've planned that Gio ends up in the genderbent dimension (but a drawing will be shown of that only later). In the season 3 finale Shredder fight Gio gets both his wrists either fractured or broken, and (it's a Gio canon event) his shell is cracked. Fixed up with some Utrom Plaster. He just doesn't have sensation in his legs until his turtle power fix up the nerves (because turtles can regenerate nerve tissue apparently).

This is just to show 2003 Gio lamenting and the difference of Rise Donnie and Gio, and then 2003 Donnie and Gio✨

And this drawing shows Gio being "Emo" I guess. Some more expressions and twitchy fingers when unhappy stimulation.

A big 'ol infodump in between many doodles of 2003 Gio.

And yes I HAVE drawn all the 2003 boys. So ye

I like 2003✨