#either way im not going to delete them no worries!
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Hi hiiiiii!!! I just wanna say i love ur oc’s so much, they live rent free inside my head like a growing necrosis!! Ever since u dropped the character trivias for Lavi and Elias I cant stop thinking about an AU with the game Catherine for Elias and Lavi but like with a lil twist to itt (the twist being i cant properly remember the entire plot to Catherine, its been like a decade since i played it so i tweaked so much of the actual storyline to better fit the narrativeT-T) feel free to delete it if its too weird;;
TW: cheating, pregnancy, reader/mc is pregnant, ooc Lavi im sorry, Elias having a reasonable crashout, yandere behaviour, continuous affair, reader/Mc cheats, character death(?), misuse of commas and my terrible grammar really
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Okay so Imagine this, whilst drinking out one day, trying to drown out the midlife crisis and potential worries about the future, you end up having a drunken one night stand with Lavi, this one night stand however snowballs into an affair as you end up sleeping with Lavi AGAIN.
You’re pregnant, and you’ve been in a relationship with Elias for 5 years, Elias is absolutely ECSTATIC to find out that you’re pregnant, and is even considering marrying you if you agree to it (you have no choice in the matter btw lol), so in order to plan for the baby (and wedding), Elias has been taking more and more modeling jobs to hopefully save enough for your future together.
This would’ve been a happy ending for both parties if you actually KNEW who the father was. Youve been rethinking your entire relationship with Elias for a while and whilst its good to feel loved and appreciated just for existing, Elias’ is just… he’s too much sometimes— well most times tbh.
Elias would kill you both, but he hasn’t suspected anything yet, and you plan to keep it that way because you’re thinking of ending things with Elias by the end of the month anyway,
until you can’t.
And you find yourself puking every morning, a worried Elias by your side at every step of the way, loving, understanding (?), pulling your hair back and dabbing away sweat from your face as you stay hunched over the toilet seat, and the guilt smashes into you like a truck, its debilitating—Elias loves you so much, cares for you (too) so much. The guilt should have set in sooner, you should be groveling at his feet begging for forgiveness, but you dont, instead you stay, and the affair continues, even when you don’t remember spending the night with Lavi (where they even at the bar last night?). Even when the test shows two lines. Even when Elias starts doing more work to provide for the two of you.
Maybe it’s guilt, maybe its your consciousness telling you you need to leave, to not subject Elias to a life chained up to someone who doesnt love them enough to stay faithful.
You end up having these weird nightmares where you have to fight for your life trying to escape a hellish landscape. You survive each night but always seem to end up waking up to Lavi on your bedside (you haven’t been outside, Elias hasn’t allowed you to go to work since the pregnancy test, you don’t remember telling Lavi your address either)
But one night, when you wake up from another nightmare, crying, shivering, Elias and Lavi nowhere in sight.
Impulsively, you end up calling Elias and tell him about the affair, how you don’t know who the father of the child is, how you’re sorry and how terrible you are and how it would be better if you just break up.
and as expected, he breaks down. asking you, demanding answers, crying, screaming, shouting, asking if you actually loved him, asking if the child is actually his, asking you why he wasn’t enough, how he knew you were acting weird, asking which fucker he has to kill to make everything work out. its guttural, the way he screams, shouts for answers.
You end up dropping the call. And Elias immediately spams your phone with missed calls until you end up blocking his number.
He’s coming for you, you know he will. And he does, not even an hour later, banging on the door. You worry about your neighbours hearing about all of this commotion, its 11pm, he should’ve been at home but he was still at work, should’ve spent this time relaxing and watching tv shows with you at saturday night, but instead he was still at work, working to support the both of you (even if a big part of you knew it wouldn’t have stopped him from coming anyway)
He’s banging on the door, and you have half a mind to grab the knife at the sink. He stops after what felt like an eternity, only to forcefully barge his way in by using his body to slam the door open.
Elias makes his way inside, immediately grabbing you by the shoulders, eyes red with tears as he looks at you with the most painstakingly hurt expression you’ve ever seen (you’ve seen it countless times before, but only this time its different, it’s it scarier, it feels like he might actually hurt you)
His eyes grows into slits, as you feel another arm snake behind you.
It’s Lavi.
You are so fucked.
Elias ends up lunging at Lavi, screaming, intent to kill, to get rid of the vermin homewrecker that ruined (whatever was left of) your relationship.
Lavi fights back, albeit without mentally damaging Elias in the process as he talks about how much time he spends with you, how he planned on taking you with him secretly behind his back, how the child is actually his and how he intends to take full accountability for it.
You watch as Elias screams reaching for something in the sink only for Lavi to laugh at him, taunting him, waving the knife in his hand hautily, simpering with a glint of malice in his eyes “Looking for this?”
You’re about as useful in this situation as a screen door to a submarine. And you know its in vain, but you scream at both of them to stop anyway. Crying as you fall to your feet, you feel like puking.
Elias freezes, breath hitching as he turns to you before the expression on his face falters, angered as Lavi continues, telling him that “he’s the reason you’re having such a hard time right now”, “how he has no business being a father when all he does is hurt you”.
Everything falls into a blur as the fighting continues,
it feels like forever but it does stop, and you hear someone slump on the floor.
and you find Elias on the floor, with the knife plunged into Lavi’s stomach.
——
I had to write it out the brainrot was killing me, had to write it out until the brain rot unrotted itself.
I do know i couldve done this darker and better but i cant write anymore i feel so rustyT-T if you see “them” instead “you” its because i originally wrote this with “Mc” and using “they/them” before changing it to explicit xreader
Rereading my writing realising it is so tellenovella coded oof
Holy shit anon I don't know how you did it but this might just be the most hellish possible scenario known to mankind. I'd honestly just end it right then and there, there's no getting out of this bermuda triangle ass dynamic we got going on here.
Like Lavi and Elias being in the same universe is already horrible, them liking the same person is even worse but darling CHEATING on one of them with the other??? I would just
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someone saved my fic "slipping mask" as a bookmark noting that they're all out of character and now i never want to publish anything ever again 🤠
#idk it feels extremely weird#like i spent sooo many hours writing that one#and you save it as a bookmark just bashing it?#like it's not even constructive either so it can help me get better for the future lmao#personal#ao3 bookmarks#sorry i didn't know you were the batman expert!!!!#and ofc they don't have any published fanfics of their own#like you do it better yourself then :)#:))))))))#IT REALLY RUBBED ME THE WRONG WAY#no but i'm certainly not considering deleting my whole profile and just posting on tumblr instead for the future#def not#totally not#im not dramatic#i know bookmarks are “the readers space” but if you're going to be rude then set it to private lol#it just hits so much harder because that is like one of my main struggles as well#what i'm always worried about when i write#and then having them point it out :(#ugh
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My enjoyment of sop is no longer ironic. its a good game
#dialogue is still laughable sometimes but its easier to take seriously on a second playthrough#been playing/watching it with 2 of my friends dont think either of them get it yet but it will happen#one of them isnt really a final fantasy fan though & arent going out of their way to read the missives so im a little worried#mine#delete later#i had a jack i drew the other day for class ill post him when i fix up the colours
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“JUST FRIENDS” — P.SH X FEM!Y/N
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/36f2bd4c20dddc53765479145fd2880e/eb6173eb7146c3ba-df/s540x810/1919295d4377cf93ffca91fda22a7288f71a5ea1.jpg)
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![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/a1dc17a589e15d7e33758d0342214fac/eb6173eb7146c3ba-03/s640x960/4e7cdec209b89aca3e58a3714394d8a10be06994.jpg)
Sypnosis : Y/n L/n struggles to keep her friendship with her closest friend Sunghoon normal, however they struggle horribly, fighting their urges for him in more ways then one. PART ONE !
Warnings : not proofread, car sex, making out, cursing
Word count : 1052, idk if I fw it fr but wtv
— His soft lips touched mines as we softly kissed in the tight space of his car. My phone vibrates as I break the kiss to check to see what it was. “Shit, my friends are wondering were I went.” I spoke grabbing my things rushing to put my jacket on and fixing my hair. He watched as I rushed to gather myself. Especially after the make out session we just had.
The party I was at was getting very boring anyways, my friends enjoying it more then I was. The smell of weed making my head hurt slightly as I hung around my friend until I noticed sunghoon, across the party staring at me, telling me to meet him at his car.
I felt my chin get pulled closer to sunghoon, his lips touching mines again, whipping my slightly swollen lips after. “Text me whenever you get ready to leave, we can finish what we-“ “I don’t know Hoon, my friends are planning to go to another party soon, so we might have to finish this another time.” I spoke as I got out of the car shutting the door and walking back into the party to see my friends.
“Y/n, we’ve been looking for you, for 20 minutes !” One friend spoke worriedly. I tried my best not to worry them and not inform them that it was my close friend sunghoon I was with, making out in his car as I ignored their first few texts until I realized it’s been 20 minutes. “Guys im fine don’t worry I was just tour for some fresh air that’s all.” I lied sheepishly. “Don’t do it again before telling us, we thought you got kidnapped or something!” Another spoke.
Sunghoon sighed in his car after watching me leave so quick and suddenly. It’s been almost 3 months since the night I helped him out with his aching boner. After sleeping together for a second time after ditching a party, it was his idea to become friends with benefits. His feelings for me are bigger then what he thought they were. Normally if had a “quick fuck” he wouldn’t be this upset if it got cancelled so suddenly.. but he was and he couldn’t understand why.
Maybe it because of all the time hes recently spent kissing, and being intimate with me. Either way he was so upset the quick session ended so soon.
“Should we go to the next party now ? There’s so many cute boys there, and jakes there y/n! Maybe you might get lucky ?” My friend spoke, Jake was a simple crush I had, until I realized how much of a flirt he was. He knew I liked him but never said anything thankfully, the only reason I know now is because of of sunghoon, who was know where to be found inside the party. Maybe he just was ready to go home early after a night of partying, something I wish I could do simply because I just didn’t want to go to a party near Jake and his fuck boy antics.
Sunghoon sat in his car staring at message he was gonna send to me. “Text me when you get ready to leave the second one ?” He shook his head, starting to delete it until he saw 3 dots pop up from me.. and just as soon as it popped up it disappeared. Maybe that night he asked for my help was a simple mistake. His horny thoughts were getting to him that night, maybe I was truly using him for just sex like expected, whatever it is he wanted more of me then ever. “I really need you right now.” He quickly texted, hoping that I could make a good excuse to ditch my friends for the rest of the night.
Believe it or not, I wanted him just as much as he wanted me right now, but there was no way I was gonna be able to even leave for the rest of the night.
“Ahh, the weed smell is making my head hurt, you guys mind if I walk outside for while ?” I spoke. “I do have to agree it is strong in here, but answer our texts and calls!” One of my friends spoke, I nodded quickly walking off to see sunghoons car telling him I’m on my way.
Getting into his car, I see a shit eating grin growing on his face. I smile too getting in quickly. “We have to make it quick!” I spoke. Both of us being pulled to the backseat quickly to have more space.
— my dress was around my waist bunched up, as I sat on his lap riding him with a fast yet slow pace from time to time. Squelching noises, noises of the leather of his car and my quiet whines were the only thing heard besides the sudden passing of a nearby car. The fear of being seen long gone.
We kissed sloppily as he thrusting into me, my hands wrapped around his neck. A constant vibration was suddenly heard, my head shoots up looking for the noise of my phone, sitting near on the back seat. “Shit.. it’s my friend.” I spoke, trying to pull myself together. “I have to answer.” A breathless moan leaving me as he kept the same pace. “Fuck- I’m close .. ju-st, just answer it, I’ll slow down.” He spoke, slowing down as I answered.
“Hello ..?” I spoke, trying to keep my moans under control. “Y/n where are you? We’re a getting ready to.” I felt as sunghoon slammed into me from under. Making my knot that was tightening quickly. I gasped muffling my mouth with my hand looking into his eyes as I struggle to swallow down the pornographic moans. He gulped, struggling to hide his moans and groans, his hands bruising my ass indefinitely. “Are you okay ?? You seem like you’re out of breath.” “No! I’m .. I-m fine.” I rushed out, clenching around sunghoon the more I stayed on the phone call.
I patted his chest trying to get him to slow down, fearing to get caught. Sunghoons fear of getting caught long gone, “fuck, y/n-“ my eyes grew big surprised by his sudden words knowing they heard.
“Wait, are you with sunghoon?”
#enhypen smut#sunghoon x y/n#sunghoon x reader#sunghoon hard hours#park sunghoon hard hours#park sunghoon smut#sunghoon smut#kpop smut
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Can I ask how you’re feeling about the new trailer? :)
Ok, buckle up, you’ve opened the floodgates :). I am so glad that the trailer has finally been released. I followed a “days until sonic movie 3” page (that has now been deleted 😞) back when there was ~600 days left. There is now 114!! Thats practically right around the corner, I am salivating at the mouth for this.
They have been giving us nothing of this movie so far. Like small scraps of “this is Maria’s actress!” here and “Keanu might be voicing Shadow” there. Finally we’ve gotten something, and I think Shadow looks amazing. I love him riding his motorbike, doing the little drift, beating everyone up, and just being cool in general. Im so ready for him to wreak havoc and I can tell there’s gonna be a lot of Shadow and Sonic rivalry (to friends arc) going on. Also, Maria!! I cant wait for her demise (sorry Shadow). I just wanna see where they go with his backstory, and cute little snippets of him before he hated everyone.
The movie models are just so well rendered, so I am looking forward to seeing new scenes of all my boys (no girls it looks like). While a lot of people are really disappointed that it seems like Amy,Rouge, etc. won’t be in the movie, I never really thought they would be, and don’t necessarily want them to be either. I think the movie would be better focusing on Shadow and Sonic(+Knuckles+Tails).
I am a bit worried about critics, as the Knuckles Series got a lot of hate when it really wasn’t bad. Like, it had some childish and/or unfunny parts, and it did focus more on Wade than I would have preferred. But at the end of the day it was centered around my absolute fav character, and any new Knuckles content I will eat up. We would never have seen him in his silly little hat if it wasn’t for the series, so who cares if it wasn’t the best. It gave us hours of new Knuckles scenes to talk about, and I think a lot of it treated him pretty well.
But, if people start hating on the new movie like that, it will really sap the joy out of it. So I hope everyone will try to find stuff to enjoy, instead of stuff to nitpick. …That being said, I really hope they don’t treat Knuckles like a joke. He gets put into ‘comedic relief’ way too often, and even though Boom!Knuckles holds a special place in my heart, I would rather Knuckles’ character be treated seriously. He has so much potential, and I don’t want him to slowly slide back into the meathead character bc he’s way more than that.
The trailer didn’t exactly do him justice, but all of the boys got beaten real easy, so I’m holding out hope that he won’t continue to blunder. Since the movie is gonna be focused on Shadow and Sonic, I don’t think Knuckles (and even Tails) will get as much screen time. And while that does suck, it’s not horrible. If we get some family bonding and brotherly interactions, I’ll be happy. I just hope that they do Knuckles right for the time he is there. Please treat him carefully sonic movie universe, I beg you. He is my baby.
#knuckles the echidna#sonic the hedgehog#miles tails prower#shadow the hedgehog#sonic 3#knuckles series#sonic movie
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thank you so much for answering my ask! and so fast too, haha, don't worry about deleting it that stuff happens <3
i'm just curious though, im kinda new to dc and i mostly know stuff from tumblr (ive started reading comics from reading lists tho!)
since you're a cass fan, what makes you think dick is the fav? i love them both ofc but just tryna improve my understanding of the dynamics between the family. i've heard that cass and damian are the favorites? and jason? though apparently jason is only in fanon and ahh im just kinda confused im so sorry for the stupid questions
Trust me, no question about comics is stupid!! It's impossible to know everything (and I'm relatively new myself haha), so don't feel bad about asking anything. Plus I love answering asks :)).
Anyway, fantastic-nonsense's post here covers about all of why I think Dick is the fav. In case you don't wanna go there, here's one of the panels:
From Infinite Crisis #6. As clear an answer as we'll ever get, I think.
The question of 'who is Bruce's favourite?' is always subject to personal interpretation, though. Lots of factors - what a person has read, which character they like, what interpretation they have of Bruce - go into who someone thinks is Bruce's fav. Sometimes it's not even a question of pure canon, but a question of theme. Which character being Bruce's fav is the most narratively compelling? To me, that's Dick - their relationship has the most history, the most depth, and frankly I prefer one of Batman's successors (who to me is Dick or Cass only) being his favourite.
Cass being the fav is compelling too, but not as compelling to me as her not being the fav. Her story, her quest to break free from White men's expectations (both David and Bruce's), makes me not want her to be tied to Bruce's love too much. So while there are great canon reasons for her being the fav, I don't think it's a necessary or even particularly interesting angle for Bruce-Cass.
I actually haven't heard many people argue for Damian being Bruce's fav (it's usually Dick or Cass in my circles), which goes to show how much opinions vary haha. Damian has great reasons too - his entire death/resurrection has strong Bruce-Damian moments - but this is the least interesting fav kid pick to me. He's been raised to think of himself as Bruce's fav, and his arc is about undoing that belief in legacy, being the heir, etc. So being Bruce's fav doesn't do much for him. Having the only bio kid be the fav isn't that interesting either.
Jason definitely is the most fanon-y pick, though Jay being Bruce's fav is genuinely interesting. It's just that Bruce's love for Jason is a lot about the dead kid he used to be, and also half of why Jason is so obsessed with Dick is because he knows Bruce is obsessed with him. So in a roundabout way my preferred Jason-Dick dynamic hinges on Jason not being Bruce's fav. But I'm not well-read on Jason, I think some Jason fans might have good reasons for him being the fav.
These are all my interpretations of these characters, and the fun about reading comics is growing to develop your own opinion about questions like this! To me Bruce's fav isn't a strict right/wrong answer, I'm like one well-written meta away from changing my mind. But I hope this clarified my thoughts on the question!
#bruce wayne#dick grayson#cassandra cain#damian wayne#jason todd#ask#SOME questions i have a strong opinion about this one i firmly think it's dick but i don't mind people saying otherwise#for me it's either dick or cass though and dick takes the edge cause he has more history#poor tim not even being in the discussion??#i know duke is not the favourite but i would also like to put him in there#there's something in the fact that bruce sees duke as fundamentally different. as a gift to this city#like bruce is ON something when he talks about duke he's literally just gushing#i somewhat think that bruce-duke is the most similar to early bruce-cass with bruce heavily idealising them for some reason#duke is bruce's fav 2024 i guess with only me as a believer
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I feel like I have a tumblr anon in my brain…. Like a tiny cop. But it’s an chronically online anonymous weirdo. And every thought I have, I get “anons” telling me how it’s problematic and I should kill my self LOL The other morning I saw an RFK sign and I thought doesn’t he have brain worms, someone running for president shouldn't have brain worms. maybe apply for literally any other job. and the anon was like ummm ableist much? Like WHAT. I turned off anon on tumblr a while ago, so even if I post something “risky”, someone will have to tell me what they think to my face. They can’t hide. Even posts I think are innocuous can be wildly misinterpreted, and someone will probably call me problematic. But even if no one says anything, I still hear it. In my brain. Sometimes I delete things because the thought is so strong. I’m probably not gonna make it to any heaven or enlightenment because I can’t forgive yourfaveisproblematic. In my mind, Tumblr was great before then, or at least it felt that way, and that blog sewed the seeds for cancel culture in the future. That stuff sticks to my brain, even if I don’t want it too. When you put sins like "said disabled people shouldn't be alive" on the same level as "has a tattoo in a language they don't natively speak," it is very confusing to a people-pleasing undiagnosed autistic 14 year old. I felt/feel like I can’t like anyone or anything because it’s ~problematic~ I worry it will never go away, because it affected me in my developing years, 14-19 I want to get better, but it’s hard. I wish I could run from the internet, but I can’t. It’s a part of life now. It’s how we stay connected. But it’s also like…. Idk. The internet used to be my safe space, right? Deviantart. Early tumblr. Seeing weird people like me made me feel less alone. I was a weeb surrounded by “preps” for lack of a better word, not that I didn’t have friends but NONE of them were into what I was into, you know? And no one became as obsessive about things like books and anime like I did, except online. But now it’s like, idk, corruption of the garden of Eden. But instead of me eating the fruit, the garden/internet ate the fruit. The world is too different now… I can’t keep up. And it’s not just because I’m getting older. Things happen faster now. Trends will last half a year when in the past they would have lasted a decade. I hate knowing everything all of the time. I hate that my garden is now a cesspool.
I’m just angry that people on tumblr and lefty spaces online are so blind to their own propaganda, and calling it out is “hate.” Like idk, I guess I expected better from people who are supposed to be ~intellectuals~. Well, if YouTube video essays have taught me anything, style over substance goes a LONG way. And they’re like “oh we’re so compassionate and we want a better future” but they tell everyone to kill themselves and laugh when red states get devastated by natural disasters it's not just that but it's like…. if you're not constantly aware of everything, you're ~part ofthe problem~ #wakeupamerica. silence is violence, blah blah blah. it's just hard because i grew up with a strict dad so learned to be a people pleaser. i'm extremely sensitive to guilt and shame. and all most of the internet has done since 2014 is shame everyone for everything. you're either with Us (good, pure, morally righteous) or you're with Them (problematic, evil). you don't want to be gasp problematic, do you? you don't want to have a callout post made about you and lose all your friends, right? well, keep you nose clean and reblog all the right posts so we know which side you're on an maybe, maybe we'll leave you alone. i have the stress of someone in debt to a mob boss. nah it's more like… i have the stress of everyone in the scarlet letter and im hoping everyone will keep their eyes on the Villain of the Week and leave me alone there's a decent video called "how to radicalize a normie." i say decent because it treats radicalization like a right-wing only issue and the "answer" to right wing radicalization is, of course left wing radicalization. "Even though they're on the bad, evil side, there's still hope because we can get them to our good, morally righteous side!" That kinda bs, and I say bs not in a left vs right way. According to my dad I'm a full blown communist! I'm saying it in the sense that the answer to radicalization isn't "just radicalize them to the other side." That's not at all helpful. You might as well tell an alcoholic who likes jameson to just switch to jack daniels. It's all poison, it's all harmful. ANYWAY, he talks about how most people don't set out to be radicalized, the politics comes to them. That happened to me - but on the left. And I'm sure if I left a comment on his video saying as much, he'd say it didn't happen or say it was a good thing. On tumblr, I came for anime. And for the first year, I got anime. But then I got really intense political stuff. "silence is violence." "i see you not reblogging this." "if you're not angry, you're not paying attention." I was 14-15, sheltered as fuck, I don't know anything about the world but now tumblr is convincing me that I know more about political issues than anyone. And it changed me. And it fucked me up. and I want to get unfucked. But I don't know how. I feel like an internet alcoholic. Like, even if I do stop using it, it will still be there, haunting me, forever, you know? because all my friends use it, not just you guys but irl friends. and the internet is effecting the real world. I miss the days when there was the internet, then there was reality. but now the internet is the reality. That's why I also fell so hard for the [REDACTED] stuff. Tumblr made me think everyone was [REDACTED] because like 99% of tumblr is [REDACTED], and I was worried about it because god help you if you question anything or show the slightest bit of concern. God help you if you're not full steam ahead on everything. I want to escape the matrix. I hate the hypocrisy…. And I hate even more that I’m also a hypocrite. I fall for group think and propaganda but act like I’m above it all. I hate social media but use it every day. YouTube too. I guess that’s why I get so mad when I see them act like that. It reminds me of me. People think the consequences of social media on a teenage girl are like "omg I was feeling good about myself….. but then I saw a model on Instagram… alas. I will never be her. I weep."
But it's more like: Oh my gosh, I just saw a post asking for mutual aid (aka MONEY, BABY) and I scrolled past. What if they died because they couldn’t afford food because I didn’t reblog their post? But what if I DID reblog their post, but it was a scam, and I led my followers to give money to someone who didn’t need it instead of someone who did?
I was hoping to share more examples, but I'm worried someone will misinterpret, and even though anon is off, the anon in my brain is on. always. on. i keep going back to the internet because i keep expecting it to get good again… like how it was. for some reason, i can't accept that it will no longer be my safe space. i wish i had a massive angel to keep me out, or something. like the actual garden of eden. I have to accept that it will never get better. I have not only an addiction to the internet, but to the obsessive thoughts it brings. By wishing it will get better, and continuing to use it, I am chasing a dragon. That is to say, I'm hoping for the same feelings I got from initially using the internet. No one ever catches the dragon. anyway, if you read all that... thank you so much! i'm taking a break from the internet, until mid november at least. maybe by then, it will be better. or not. we'll see.
#moral ocd#chronically online#terminally online#scrupulosity#essay#internet addiction#yourfaveisproblematic#cancel culture#long post
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woahh okay first time i attempted to send this ask my tumblr glitched and deleted it. idk if it sent but ignore it if so i wanted to reword it anyway. (tw for sa discussions and sexual abuse/trauma)
either way ive been thinking a lot about the post you wrote about armand’s (or amadeo’s) hypersexuality in venice and i saw a very similar post on twitter, essentially saying armand was so confused and horny in venice and ended up going to bianca for solice (then feeling incredibly guilty about it) and then later harlech as he weaponised his sexuality as a form of revenge on marius “ignoring” him (eventually tragically leading to his death)
it just puts such a tragic image into my head of amadeo in bianca’s bedchamber, crying and crying after having sex with her because he doesn’t understand why he feels the way he does, why he desires sex so much after all he’s been through, and not realising it is a trauma response, a last ditch effort to keep himself alive by acclimatising to his environment of sexual abuse, and then it later killing him anyway.
Armand is so Sad. im so sad.
any other thoughts from you?
doooonttt worry lol ur previous ask didn’t send haha (I’m sorry stinky tumblr deleted it tho damn) but I LOVE this ask so thank u sm for resending it!!
omgg this makes me so sad holy shit 😭 I never made the connection that Amadeo’s hyper sexuality reaction to sa trauma led to his death but ugh, omg, ur so right that’s so tragic. It’s also specifically Marius abusing him that leads him to his death, bcus Armand feeling the massive loss of agency and control over his life and sexuality cuz of Marius causes him to get with harlech (someone he knows is dangerous) bcus he wants to make Marius angry and to distance himself from his perceived control by self destructing. Marius starts having Armand go to brothels against his will, Marius resents Armand for doing the thing he told him to and starts “ignoring him”, boom harlech boom death
the Bianca thing is so interesting, especially Armand’s guilt and perceived lack of control of his actions. It’s like, he is realizing that for reasons he can’t understand he isn’t able to control his sexual impulses and he is consumed by them in a way that dictates his behavior, which is scary as shit especially for someone who has been taught to be frightened of sexuality for his entire life. Armand seems to perceive himself being hyper sexual as akin to being like his abusers, where he seems to think that since he can’t control his sexual urges and makes poor decisions bcus of horniness hes akin to a rapist which 😰💔 that type of guilt is rlly common for sa victims who experience complicated reactions to trauma unfortunately. But ugh.
slight change of topic, but I always think about how hard and strange it must’ve been for Amadeo to go from 24/7 sex and sexual urges to sexless being thrown into catholic cult where u can’t bathe urself let alone fuck. Like that’s the kind of whiplash between two harmful extremes that makes someone into a person like Armand, lmao
#armand#tvc#the vampire chronicles#iwtv#vampire chronicles#interview with the vampire#the vampire armand
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For the varmitech bro au
1. Does Martin remember Chris? Does he know how he could've/should've looked like?
2. How brainwashed is Chris? How much does he actually believe?
3. Do the Kratt parents take any role in the au?
4. Can we get more Tortuga crew??? How does Martin deal with missions alone, how do the others react to him?
Ty for the ask anon ! Honestly some of these questions are things i originally wanted to include in the explanation post but ended up deleting because i didnt want to make it too lengthy so Im glad to talk about them now!
1. Martin doesnt remember Chris clearly, he has some blurry memories and flashes but its mostly the feelings he remembers if that makes sense. Like how he was close with Chris and loved him a lot, the feeling of fear everyone felt when Chris went missing and the despair when no one could give them closure, how lonely he felt after.
He doesnt really know what Chris could look like, maybe he likes to imagine, but you cant really get accurate answers like that. Also with cases like his you often see detectives constructing images of what the missing kids could look like now years later and I thought about Chris getting one of these done but he probably would only do that if he sorted through everything else because while Martin thinks his brother is alive, Chris firmly believes that he died a long time ago. He doesnt really think the image would be useful
2. Hes half brainwashed and half doesnt remember a lot of things naturally because of a traumatic reaction. What he has been told was that they have been through a traumatic accident (like a car crash) of some kind that damaged his brain temporarily and thats why he barely remembers anything from his early childhood and has some memories that never actually happened (the memories of the Kratt family) and he believes thats true because frankly, he has no reason not to. Maybe he questioned it when he was younger, but as an adult your childhood memories get really blurry (especially if youve been through something traumatic) so he kind of just accepted the car crash excuse to be true. He suspects there's something hes not being told but he doesn't even think of him being kidnapped as a possibility
3. A little, yes ! The reason Martin wanted his brothers case to be investigated again was actually because of how bad it affected his parents even after 20 years, which is just the sad reality of missing child cases. This part is unfortunately not that well developped yet, but maybe the Kratt brothers father fell really ill and Martin was worried hed have to pass away without knowing what happened to Chris, or maybe they got divorced after not being able to move on from the incident evem after all that time, ill have to think about it but whatever happened motivated Marin to contact detective Chris.
Either way I do have 2 scenes in my head that include atleast one of them ! The first one is where Chris and Martin go back to Martins childhood home to search the area again, and they briefly talk to mama Kratt who still lives here, and she takes one look at Chris with a mothers eye and thinks "wow he looks exactly like Chris" and although she doesnt believe its actually him she does think its some sign from the universe or idk something sentimental !! I just rhink itd be sweet of her. I also think itd be interesting from the pov of Chris because this is a maternal figure who treats him really nice and he just cant help but notice how different his mom is from Martins yk sad feelings...
Also Chris gets to reunite with his parents after everything goes down :)
4. Hell Yeah!!
Martins missions here are a bit more professional as he doesnt really have anyone to goof around with but he still has fun because he gets to gush about animals to the team.!! (He definitely wishes he had someone with him out in the field) Also i guess the villains are also interesting here because dealing with them alone causes confrontations to drag out, and they also become harder and more serious, especially with Zach as he got a big advantage with 'the crawler'. Aviva does jump in to help a lot but shes a bit limited because at this point she hasnt finished making her own cps yet (this might become relevant later i havent decided yet.)
In the last part I assume you were asking about how they feel about Chris, and they do meet a lot while Martin and Chris are working on the investigation, and Koki actually helps them a lot with her computer skills. The crew also grows pretty close to Chris, i mean he kinda just clicks with them, and he latches onto them a lot as he hasnt really had proper friends before. Like ever. Basically theyre just found family i love them. !!!
Sorry for making this so long haha I just love talking about this au... I hope these answers satisfied!
#wild kratts#varmibros au#wild kratts au#martin kratt#chris kratt#asks#me when asks: YIPPE YIPPE !!!#if you send me asks i love you
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HARD DAY | TOM KAULITZ X READER
a/n: my other account was deleted unfortunately… im going to rebuild my account🙏
includes: oral!male receiving, p n v, doggystyle
tom had got back from a show from his band and he got swarmed by thousands of fans before he gets on the tour bus back to the hotel.
you tagged along with them along the tour but you stayed at the hotels. when tom got back he was so tired and stressed out.
“hey babe.” you said hopefully.
“hey.” he sighs and sets down his keys and takes off his jacket as you get up to hug him but he tenses up.
“are… you okay?” you ask with your hands on either of his arms. tom nods. “tom i know youre lying. whats wrong? here come sit.” you say leading him to the bed.
“just had a hard day… i had a good show but so many fans and paparazzi fucking galore.” he says rubbing his face.
“yeah i know what you mean.” you say resting your head on his shoulder and you touch his thigh.
“do you want me to do something about it? i can help you baby.” you ask caressing his stomach.
tom kind of smirks despite his emotions. you get on your knees and he undoes his pants and you pull them down along with his underwear. “fuck…” tom groans as you take his cock and you bob your head up and down and he grips onto your hair. “fuck baby… youre so good. faster.” he demands softly as you go faster. he groans loudly. “just like that… good girl.” he praises as he presses your face all the way down, deepthroating you as he cums down your throat.
he pulls your head back. “that was fucking amazing. get on the bed.” you get on the bed with your ass up and your head buried in the pillow and he rips your clothes off, literally. “ill buy you a new set of lingerie dont worry.” he chuckles before teases your entrance and slowly going in before he starts to pound you. “youre so fucking tight.” he groans, throwing your hair back. “it feels so good. dont stop.” you moan loudly arching your back. “you like this, dont you? fucking daddy getting his stress out on his sweet baby girl.” he grips on your hips as he whimpers and moans loudly. you nod eagerly. “yes daddy yes… fuck! im gonna cum” you scream out.
“not yet, wait for me okay?” tom says. “youre such a damn slut. my slut.” he groans and mumbles. “im so close baby.” he groans out again but louder. “cum with me, cum with daddy.” he groans loudly. before shooting load after load into you. “fuck babygirl… that was so fucking good.” he chuckles and lays down beside you before pulling you onto his chest. “thank you for that babe.” he says kissing your forehead.
“youre so welcome honey.” you whisper.
#tom kaulitz#bill kaulitz#georg listing#gustav schäfer#tokio hotel#fanfic#smut#angst#fluff#aesthetic#drabble#fanfiction#2000s
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To new followers--
Hey so like, over the past month or so, I've been hit by about 500 new followers, which is a very sudden, massive spike, and while I'm sure most of them are bots, I really can't be sure which are and which aren't.
To this end, if you see this and you have a mostly empty blog, PLEASE, I'm begging you, please make your blog not empty somehow so I can tell if you're a real person, otherwise you do run the very real risk of me blocking and reporting you for being a bot, because I really really don't want bots taking advantage of this blog.
Anywhere here's a short list of things you can do to make yourself not look like a bot:
Change your icon. It can literally be anything. Modify the default icon somehow, use a screenshot from whatever show you like, take a picture of your carpet and use that, use some art. Anything. (Although I'd advise against anything that might make you look like the other kind of bot blog.)
PLEASE change your title. I have now learned what "Untitled" looks like in many other languages. A change in title and maybe even description will go a very long way !!!!!
Change the color of your in dashboard blog from the basic white background. (In edit appearance.) Set a blog header image. (If you really don't have any images in mind, this blog is full of images. Pick anything.)
Turn on custom theme in the blog settings!! This didn't even used to be an option and was enabled by default and now it isn't.
Hide your likes and follows. Most bot blogs don't hide these. Unfortunately most newcomers don't hide them either.
Reblog or post a few things. It can literally be "im a lurker sorry please dont block me". A good thing to keep in mind is to try to reblog things that aren't related or are specifically fandom related. Bots don't do that, but I have seen bots that will reblog three (3) related posts or like three (3) related posts (from people they don't even follow) and that's that. If you do ONLY this, that's enough.
You don't have to do all of these. Literally even a few is enough. Just show some sign of life. PLEASE.
Since I've seen other people have success with this in the past, here's some free icons and headers you can use:
These are all my images and my editing so you needn't worry about credit or whatever.
There are a virtually infinite number of icon makers at Picrew and a ton at Meiker.io
Old Windows icon images.
People make free icons on here all the time.
And if you want to be a little silly with it, I spent an entire month of my life making this default icon dress up game. (Yes, really, an entire month.)
I'll give you all like a week or so, and I WILL be re-reblogging this intermittently as a reminder, because after that I WILL start to block and report anyone who hasn't sufficiently proven themselves not to be a bot. This may not be a personal blog, but it IS my baby and these bots exist specifically to exploit the blogs that they follow, so don't help them out be letting them hide amongst you.
Because I don't want this post to be an annoyance, I will post a new palette each time I do reblog it, and I will delete old instances after sufficient time has passed. Please bear with me.
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mmm what the fuck?
how am i supposed to live like a normal functioning person after experiencing the full range of human and Inhuman emotions?
thea i love u i promise but i also want to kill u in the most cruel way possible.
i was trying to read 32k words one hour before the work and failed Miserably 😭 i only get through driving lesson part. can u believe i had to do actual work the entire day instead of reading my gay fanfiction? 💔heartbreaking misogynistic And homophobic if u ask me.
anyway. i know im going to forget something. it always happens and then im too shy to send other asks so let hope it doesn’t happen this time.
driving lesson.
don’t worry about ur manual transmission description. i’ve changed three instructors in the span of year and a half and all three of them told me different things. i didn’t notice any Big Serious issues that would be at odds with driving mechanic.
to the other news. will sucks 😭😭 not his fault Obviously. he’s naturally anxious and tbh mike didn’t give him any hints about how to feel when the car is ready to go. not mikes fault too. i bet he doesn’t even think about this little thing anymore (and cause u don’t know about them either. which is ok don’t worry about it. u probably just need to experience it ti fully understand). i was so happy when will finally manage to get the car going 😭😭 i probably called him baby too.
and then i literally passed out when i saw the mike called Him baby?? first will’s brain in denial made me questioning was it really for him or for the car. cause mike Loves that car i wouldn’t be surprised if he really call it baby from time to time. but then i remembered that we know how mike feels thanks god and i became like 85% sure that it was for will. (i also Run to check playlist right after this line. yeah i found “king of my heart” there. u make the impossible possible cause why am i listening to two of my least favorite reputation songs and genuinely enjoy them?)
i mentally add the keychains to the list of things we need to know more about. but i think it’s cute that they both not only save them but also use them almost daily. and they both choose car keys to hang the keychains on. dare i say soulmates.
*two weeks later*
also i think it’s funny they consider each other hot while driving.
and of course mike is obsessed with old expensive cars!!
are the malls in the us exactly dying? my office building is near the mall and i can guarantee u that in my country they r super alive.
ok i might be wrong but i think that the deleted scene is from bookstore part idk.
i think it’s cute that they trust each other enough to allow to choose as significant item as journals concerning that they really picky about them.
and i loved that mike blushed over a simple kiss 🫶🏻🫶🏻
(i feel like i want to catch up on everything and it’s killing me cause i write down one thing and immediately remember the other 😭)
THEY WERE SO BOYFRIENDS IN DINER!!! i don’t think i will ever recover from how cute they r and how much they actually like each other (and how single i am. as the classic said “when someone will prey on my neurodivergency….” and so on and so forth). i love that everyone can see it and im obsessed that boys don’t even want to deny it. i think a lot about the fact that mike said that they middle school sweethearts like he regrets about the missed opportunities (but also he doesn’t regret cause the thing they have now (at this exact moment. cause i still have bad feeling) is like that Because of years of semi-friendship and rivalry and unsaid confessions).
and i think even more about the fact that mike didn’t want to talk about his pretentious ivy league college. squinting so hard and taking a lot of notes (in fact writing paragraphs of analysis to my friends who has no idea what acswy).
the photobooth scene!!! omg i can’t believe u almost deleted it all??? suni is our hero! lots of hugs and kisses and thanks to them!!
i can’t believe mike talked about showing pictures to their friends in one minute and literally kissing will on them in the other. i love them they r so silly and in love and can’t get enough of each other. u can feel how close they become and that the air is thick with the newfound (and rediscovered) feelings. and they can’t live without touching and the hold hands constantly!!! all day long!!! and it’s not enough!!! and oh. i think it wasn’t the last time we saw pictures (squinting even harder).
the way max immediately cut the bullshit and asked about swearshirt. i need to know what lucas wrote to mike.
he likes him!!!
i love the difference between mikes “i know i like him but i won’t do anything about it” and wills “i need to kiss him to death right now!”
and the kiss on the backseat of mikes stupid mustang!! we were all waiting for it!
i think i reread and memorized the last part and in still shaking whenever i think about “nervous” part. mike makes will nervous!! and he makes him shake and do stupid stuff like kissing and blushing and thinking to add heart next to his name and call him his boyfriend!!! omg!!
“I’ve got you, baby” WHO WILL GET ME??? im the one who is going insane??? it’s so tender. my boys 💔💔💔
(the second time. my eyes r hurting from squinting that much. and i feel like we’ll have “el’s not stupid” kind of scene in the flashbacks)
this character hits so hard!! i’ve never doubted any of u but i can see why this one is one of ur favorite thea!
thank u so much for ur hard work. if i could draw i would to the whole ass animation of this chapter (and any other too).
love u. thank u for reading all this rambling
mmm what the fuck is RIGHT alya bc this is how i feel every time i read one of ur lovely essay comments. bc whaqt the fuck. why do u want me to CRY ALL THE TIME. (i guess it's fair considering we are making u cry with the fic itself but still . Rude)
you are so real for trying to read 32k in one hour and also so me . rly fucked up and cruel that you would have to work (even tho u threatened to murder me)...i hope you are freed from these perils Soon. don't ever be too shy to send more asks tho every ask from you is a BLESSING and a TREAT!!! EVEN WHENTHEY ARE LACED W THREATS!!!!!!!!!!!! and also tysm for validating my manual driving lesson description bc fr every video i watched was different and i was so stressed but it's FINE. ALYA SIGNED OFF ON IT SO NO ONE ELSE MATTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!! DEAL W IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! will Does suck and that's one thing we can all agree on 💗💗💗 i was going to include a bit about likee what the engine Sounds like bc i know it sounds different when you're ready to switch gears but honest tbhly the driving scene alone is like 12k and i was super losing steam by the time i thought of it so i didn't <3 he is def a baby and mike def refers to his car as baby so he is right to be confused. but it WAS for him!! we actually aren't 100% sure of mike's feelings Yet (ch08 is meant to be the precipice of a realization, not an actual one) but obviously . we do have a pretty good idea of how he does feel. teehee. also i am glad you are enjoying komh now bc wtf......how is it one of your least faves................i support you but i am also judging u a little alya .
i think keychains will be included in one of the companions :o) also OBVIOUSLY they find each other hot while driving. they're both annoying and down bad 🙄🙄
malls here are super dying!! i think the only ones that aren't are ones in Major Cities (there's two nearby me that are pretty popular, but the other ones are mostly closed, and it's definitely been a phenomenon in the us over the last few years thanks to online shopping)!! the deleted scene is actually from the driving scene, but the bookstore scene Feels shorter bc i was truly at the point where i had nothing left to give when writing it (it was the last part of ch09 to be written), so it definitely suffered from that. if we ever do Huge post-mortem edits once acswy is over, i might go back and add to it, or write a deleted-scene-type companion, but tht's the tea w the bookstore scene <3
the diner scene was SOOOO fun to write and it had me blushing frfr. i answered this in another ask but the middle school sweethearts comment was Definitely the most insane thing that i thought of for this chapter and to me it was for sure the nail in the coffin for will of like damn. ok. he's Serious abt this. bc i think with their #history that will has trouble admitting even to himself that he likes mike, and so he'd need to feel pretty certain of how mike feels first, and after processing the middle school sweethearts comment later in the car that's what made him realize like oh damn. i Do like him. SO MUCH. and we all nodded and patted his back and said yeah baby we know. but what you described mike thinking is absolutely exactly how he feels 💗 very reminiscent and wistful, even.
LOL LITERALLY THIS HAS BEEN A UNANIMOUS COMMENT ACROSS THE BOARD OF "THANK GOD FOR SUNI" (INCLUDING MYSELF). to Explain the way i was feeling about it -- i did not initially mean to have that be a Spicy make out moment! it was supposed to read more along the lines of the thrift store scene, or even the kiss after will finished driving the mustang, so very sweet and soft and Romantic. it just didn't come out that way once i was actually writing it, and so i was nervous that i was toeing the line too heavily, or tht it was out of place with the rest of the vibe i had constructed for the chapter. a combination of suni (and abby, who got early access and acted as our second beta) being adamant that it Did fit and worked well, and me being too pressed for time/not having enough energy to rewrite that saved it from the deleted scene graveyard <3 thank god fr. they are both so fucking stupid.
the entiiiiire realization scene up from will realizing he likes mike to the very end of the chapter is my favorite thing that i have ever written i think 💗 i am just so happy with the way it turned out, especially with it being at the point in the fic that it's at!! it felt rly right for will :') also mike calling him baby!!! that was such a last minute decision but i'm so glad i went for it!! the original line was "i've got you, yeah?" but baby hit So much harder so shout out to editing thea for making that change 🤸 will wants to add a heart next to mike's name in his phone SOOOO BAD!!! WHEN WILL HE GET TO!!!!!!!!!!!
your second ask SO TRUE SO REAL. TEEHEE AND MWAHA AND SO ON AND SO FORTH. also you're so right jonathan is so fucked up for stealing steve from will like that 🙄
tytyty as always for your novel length comment alya 💗 really and genuinely and truthfully the thought of getting to read ur reactions is one of the most exciting parts of uploading a chapter!! i eagerly await all of ur other reactions <3333
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![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/c2f1f5cbed745bbb0ea55e049742ef2d/29047d8b74768c34-62/s540x810/f79bdbed8c5be1be382bdd9d6e2afceb45ab9ce3.jpg)
i was going to be normal and write labseal. but alas. a bomb dropped in a disc server im in. Scientists love my big wet eyes
There was a faint knock at the scientist’s thick metal door, and Holmes was almost instantly on high alert. Their lab was underground, the way there was dangerous, and they despised distractions. Sparks fly from her palm and a familiar grey handle materializes into her tight grip, and with a flick of her wrist, the whip flares to life. They stalk to the entrance, and fling the door open to see- The most unassuming woman they could ever imagine.
“What… What are you doing- How did you even get here?” Holmes lowered the crackling whip in her hand, the green light at the end casting her in an almost ghastly light.
The young woman at her door was frozen, like a deer in headlights; she clutched her tote bag closer at the sight of the weapon. “You had an old hiring page… And I, uhm- I just took the elevator.”
Holmes scowls, their brows furrowing. “The elevator? I’m the only one with access to that.”
“Oh, well, you might have to get that checked out,” She shifts uncomfortably, and her gaze shifts to the floor. “The post was very old, and you didn’t respond to my email, but the address was public and I still wanted to see if I could help.”
Holmes takes her lowered gaze as an invitation to step forward. The whip’s end drags across the floor menacingly as they narrow their eyes. An email… They could’ve sworn they remember receiving an innocuous request from an unknown address with a profile picture of a plush deer. “You can help by telling me your name.”
The woman perks up, but her worried eyes did linger on the whip for a moment. “Lucille, Ross- I just used Lucy in the email, though, so-“ She’s promptly cut off, but it doesn’t seem to be from a place of malice, even if Holmes rolls her eyes.
“Nicknames don’t matter- And you’re sure you want to assist me? My work has, for lack of a better term, evolved since I sent for help.” Their words are accented by the quiet buzzing of machinery in the back.
“I can’t see why not,” Lucille gives a gentle smile, one that causes Holmes’s stare to soften. They step back, the hand with the whip disappearing behind their lab coat. There’s a small fizzling sound before they turn and step back, and to Lucille’s surprise, the whip seems to be gone.
“Good. The payment will be the same, and I will use the email provided to keep in contact,” Holmes speaks quickly before properly turning and stepping back to her work. Lucille scampers in behind them, gently closing the heavy door and taking a moment to marvel at the lab. “You’re lucky you didn’t interrupt much.”
“I’m glad- Your work really did catch my eye, I wouldn’t want anything to happen to it.” She lowers her bag to her elbow, and stops just a couple steps away from Holmes’ side. “And I promise I’m not just here for the money, either.”
“No, no, I figured you weren’t,” Holmes glances to the young woman from the corner of her eye; even in the dim lights of the lab, they can make out the soft curves of her face and the thick hair that puffs up at her shoulders. “Well, since you’re so eager- Your first assignment is to tell me about yourself. Don’t flounder your answers, though.”
They really had no need for an assistant of any sort, especially not now- But Lucille reminded her to delete the post, as well as captivated them… In the same way a nervous animal would, of course.
#idk how this game works and there are actually zero good videos on her route#so ig im just gonna have to do this myself#boyfriend dungeon#oc x canon#selfship#self ship
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vent ahead
drinking lukewarm chamomile tea. forgor we ran out of sugar so i used honey (that tastes wonderful). bad idea. added monkfruit sugar thing and its okayer now. tastes like diluted petal juice w traces of honey but its whatever. did eat some spinach pastry tho so we good.
tis 5am i am wide awake and writing a vent post lol. not feeling fanastic and the timing couldnt be any less incovenient i dont fancy being ill rn but i think my ignoring my health has finally turned around to smack me in the face. either that or im over reacting to something very short term.
tempted to stay in denial but im the one losing here. dont want to take action thats scary. it shouldnt be scary and itll only bring more suffering i know but id rather not. i will but i wont
i know ive been ignoring my gut issues for years. idk why my first instinct to anything is either deny or downplay. who hurt me so bad i have trust issues with my own body?
have been considering a certain diagnosis for almost exactly a year now. the prospect of hving a chronic illnesses scares me more than it should i think. idk if the fear is related to my being a med student, being silly over something not that big of a deal, a secret third thing, or all of the above.
i love blood tests i dont mind them. i dont however like any other (invasive) test and would again rather punt myself into the sun before accepting the inevitable. the irony hurts more than my stomach aches lmao. im aware. maybe too much so.
starting to think i may have anxiety (lol). is it warranted? am i valid in my fears? my brain says yes my mind says no. the dissonance will give me a headache, the last thing i need right now.
forgot where i was going with this post. my tea is cold now as are my hands. dehydrated af and have a long day (week, month, year..) a head of me. this isnt the time for being any kind of ill
i dont like being a hypocrite. preaching about taking care of oneself and seek out medical assistance/ a consultation or confirmation etc instead of wasting away worrying & not doing anything about it, only to turn around & contradict my own beliefs. i hate it. i hate me too.
dont know if ill post or delete this. its a bit too much for my liking.
so many feelings. so much not knowing. when i go to therapy (soon) what terrifies me is that ill have built so much on my own assessment and predicitions i might get told i was completely wrong and totally fine just being dramatic or excessive. what then? when my walls have not only been taken down but the bricks are being thrown at me too
stress stress stress. we learn over and over again how damaging stress is to the body and yet we all know nothing is going to happen to ease it. that its only going to get worse from here in fact. its funny in the way that hurts. in the ways that hurt.
my brain feels heavy and light at the same time. a fog refuses to settle. if i could wrap myself in blankets and stay under the covers forever with my plushies till i become a fossil i wouldnt mind. i dont know whats bothering me. what my brain is filing and sorting through behind the curtains of consciousness. but its bothering me
going to get up and pray in a minute. some peace of mind will dull the pain of existence for a little while. a solitude within a solitude. im the only one awake. biding my time till the eternal solitude.
might make another cup of tea. no honey this time.
#going through it#i think#vent#vent post#sorry if any of this is unpleasant in any way shape or form#not too sure what to tag bc im not too sure whats going on up top#forgive me#chronic illness#ibs#<- pending#tea#personal vent#health vent#health issues#idk its complicated#mental health#me stuff#uh#to be deleted
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hey, so i recently did some research and took the mmpi and a few other tests that i knew were well regarded as diagnostic tools by professionals, as well as self reflection and matching myself with criteria. (all tests found free probably illegally online via links on reddit cause i dont got that kind of money) and it appears that i have aspd.
I consider myself a good person, i try to always be good to everyone which is a lot of effort because it’s something i dont do naturally, and imo that makes me better than a “normal person” but i digress
finding this out, while relieving in the way that it explained a lot of stuff, has also made me feel more alienated. i cant tell anyone im close to because theyll just hear “sociopath” and think i dont care about them or ive been manipulating them this whole and leave, and i wont be able to find new people because im bad at connecting with others so ill be alone. and no one online with aspd seems to have my experiences (also a lot of the online spaces are filled with pwBPD and pwNPD using our tag lmao and i dont relate to them either obviously) so i feel alien here too.
I dunno, finding this out was helpful in some ways but in others i just feel worse.
I guess it’s a net good now that i know that my way of thinking and going through life doesnt make me a bad or manipulative person its just how i naturally think bc of my disorder, and as long as im choosing to be good to people it shouldn’t matter. i just wish it wasnt so stigmatized to have, and i wish people would realize that i am capable of being a good person just as much as they are, i just have my own way of doing it.
I actually dont get why having it Come Naturally is such a good thing anyway, isnt it more meaningful if someone isnt “good by nature” but actively chooses to be anyway? I think it means less and is less reliable if someone is good by nature because then it means that they don’t actually know how or why theyre doing it, and if they have a moment of fluctuations in their empathy then they could be worse than any of us disordered folk who had to learn they why and how of this stuff.
lmfao ok uh sorry for having a character arc in your ask box you can delete if you want idc
No, no worries! I'm sorry it took me this long to get to honestly because yeah I agree with this - it is in my opinion objectively better to do good things by choice, even when it's hard for us. And, in fact, the NTs feel that way too but they don't like that it applies to us.
It's a whole cliche people like to throw around, that it isn't easy to be a good person and that the only truly good people are the ones that doing it when it's hard too - that the easiest thing isn't always the right thing, all of that. They just don't like that those things apply to us too and therefore we are very much their definition of good people.
The world has so much stigma against us, and I'm sorry you're struggling with it, that any and all of you are. We shouldn't be treated this way as a result of us being mistreated as kids. It's not our fault, but we're labeled and demonized anyway. And it sucks, and even though it says everything about them and nothing about us, people believe them bc they're so used to thinking we're the scary ones so we must be wrong.
That seems to be slowly changing, and I hope I (and you) are around to see when it does.
Plain text below the cut:
No, no worries! I'm sorry it took me this long to get to honestly because yeah I agree with this - it is in my opinion objectively better to do good things by choice, even when it's hard for us. And, in fact, the NTs feel that way too but they don't like that it applies to us.
It's a whole cliche people like to throw around, that it isn't easy to be a good person and that the only truly good people are the ones that doing it when it's hard too - that the easiest thing isn't always the right thing, all of that. They just don't like that those things apply to us too and therefore we are very much their definition of good people.
The world has so much stigma against us, and I'm sorry you're struggling with it, that any and all of you are. We shouldn't be treated this way as a result of us being mistreated as kids. It's not our fault, but we're labeled and demonized anyway. And it sucks, and even though it says everything about them and nothing about us, people believe them bc they're so used to thinking we're the scary ones so we must be wrong.
That seems to be slowly changing, and I hope I (and you) are around to see when it does.
#aspd-culture-is#aspd culture is#aspd culture#actually aspd#aspd#aspd awareness#actually antisocial#antisocial personality disorder#aspd traits#anons welcome
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this last chapter of together was amazing! literally had me on my toes i loved it. im sooo excited for the next chapter!!! need a sneak peek 🤭
Oh it was so heavy wasn't it?! So happy to hear you loved it! Was one of my favorites 🖤
Being honest, I am not done with the chapter yet and this may be amended when I edit it later. Who knows I may delete it all or completely rewrite it, but for now here's a small portion.
Hope you like it 😘
Two weeks after Kiara was attacked by Travis, she's trying to sleep in her bed. Key word: trying. Because unlike it was before Travis attacked, she doesn't sleep alone anymore. Both of her parents are laying in bed with her. Her dad on one side, her mom on the other.
She loves them, she really does, but they were being a little...clingy. Couldn't blame them, really. They almost lost her.
Kiara doesn't like thinking about that though. Doesn't like thinking about any of it actually. It wasn't like she was avoiding reminders of what happened, but the more she thought about it the more disgusted she felt.
Thinking about Travis' hands around her neck made her shudder. The reminder of him slamming her against the car made her wince. Remembering his voice yelling in her face made her want to scream back.
It wasn't just the memories themselves that bothered her, but any time one creeped up she had to push away the thoughts that filled her mind. That was what bothered her the most. The ones that told her she was weak, feeble, defenseless.
She didn't want to be any of those things, but, logically, being at least fifty pounds lighter than her assailant, it was expected that she was the prey in that situation. So she lays in bed and thinks about the things that could have happened differently. If she only—
A soft tap on her window has her thoughts interrupted and her lifting her head off her pillow, turning towards the sound, knowing exactly who it is.
She looks at both of her parents, sleeping soundly on either side of her. At least they are getting some sleep. She pulls herself up, unwrapping her mom's from around her waist. Both her parents are heavy sleepers, she's figured out. No way she's worried about them hearing JJ in her room ever again.
She crawls out of bed, tip toeing across the floor and grabbing her sweatshirt before descending the stairs. When she gets around the corner of her house, JJ has just stepped down from climbing her house, wiping at his pants. He grins, "Evening."
"You mean middle of the night," she returns his smile.
He steps towards her, hands coming to her face. She pulls him into her, kissing him and feeling his smile against her lips when they pull apart.
She doesn't actually ask him why he's here. Doesn't have to, she already knows.
"You okay?"
She shrugs a shoulder, looking up at her bedroom window. "Be a lot easier to get some sleep if they didn't insist on sleeping in my bed," she complains. "I think I have a bruise from my mom kicking me."
JJ chuckles. "Now we know where you get it from."
Her mouth drops open. "Takes that back," she demands.
"And if I don't?" he mock wonders, causing her to scrunch her face in faux anger.
She gets a causal look on her face. Kinda bratty too. "I'm just gonna go inside, sleep with my parents," she tells him. Before she can even fully turn from him he's grabbing her wrist, delaying her attempted departure. "Yes?" she asks, smugly.
"Not goin' anywhere," he informs, stepping into her space, purposefully not pulling on her. Grabbing her wrist was a risk as it is.
He's noticed she's been a little skittish since that night. Knew she was trying to fight through it, too. Pretended she didn't jump when she heard a loud noise or someone touched her unexpectedly. She'd daze off, getting a worried look on her face. When he'd nudge her she would just smile, like he brought her back from reliving the moment.
He understood it, too. He didn't like thinking about what happened either. Would rather pretend it didn't happen honestly.
Would rather not have recurring nightmares of her being strangled to death, him watching and unable to make a move to save her. Would rather not remember how he had to check her pulse, seriously wondering if he was holding her body instead of her.
Always brings a softball sized lump into his throat that he has to force down.
His gaze crosses her face and body. He always caught himself giving her a visual check. Slowly watching over time as the bruises on her neck faded from red to black and blue to yellow and brown. Her wrist was out of its splint, the mild sprain well on its way to recovery. Her bruised side was supposedly doing better as well, but he has to just take her word on that since he hasn't seen her shirtless in a minute.
His touch is far more gentle than he needs to be, afraid that he'll scare her. Kie doesn't flinch when his fingers hold her though. Never did, and he takes comfort in that. Like he was a safe place for her. It's why he's here after all.
Kie hums at him, a soft challenge, chin lilting upwards. "Got something better to do?"
He shrugs, head nodding back to where Shoupe's truck is parked. "Wanna go night surfing?"
#jiara#ask and you shall receive#sneak peak snippet#jiara fanfic#jj maybank#kiara carrera#together#writing
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