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deadcactuswalking · 5 months ago

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 29/06/2024 (Coldplay, Charli xcx/Lorde, Post Malone/Blake Shelton)

Her second week for her second #1, Sabrina Carpenter stays at the top of the UK Singles Chart on an otherwise… interesting week, reflected in pretty much aspect, so… welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

content warning: language, misogyny, alcohol

Rundown

As always, we start with the notable dropouts, songs exiting the UK Top 75, which is what I cover, after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This week, we bid adieu to a surprisingly small selection of “Feather” by Sabrina Carpenter, “Gata Only” by FloyyMenor and Cris Mj, “As it Was” by Harry Styles and of course, since we haven’t fared well at the Euros, “3 Lions”.

As for our notable gains, since we don’t have much in the way of returns outside of Disclosure’s “You & Me” featuring Eliza Doolittle back once again at #65, we see boosts for “Mind Still” by Sonny Fodera and blythe at #68, “NIGHTS LIKE THIS” by The Kid LAROI surprisingly up big to #47, “Kisses” by BL3SS and CamrinWatsin featuring bbyclose at #44, “the boy is mine” by Ariana Grande at #39 off of the remix with Brandy and Monica (cheap idea, bad execution), “KEHLANI” by Jordan Adetunji at #29 which is a decidedly unslizzy occurrence, “DEVIL IS A LIE” by Tommy Richman at #21, “Not Like Us” by Kendrick Lamar riding the high of The Pop Out at #14 and really, the biggest story: Chappell Roan. Not only are “Red Wine Supernova” and “HOT TO GO!” up to #40 and #33 respectively, she gets her first ever top 10 hit with “Good Luck, Babe!” hitting #7.

As for the top five, we see much of the expected. “BIRDS OF A FEATHER” by Billie Eilish is at #5, Eminem’s “Houdini” is at #4, Shaboozey’s “A Bar Song (Tipsy)” is at #3 and of course, both Sabrina Carpenter songs in the top 10 stick to the top two: “Espresso” at #2 and the newer “Please Please Please” at the top spot. As for what’s below it… thankfully not a lot in sheer quantity but a lot of interest so let’s try and make sense of it.

New Entries

#69 - “Tears” - Perrie

Produced by Ido Zmishlany

These “extended” versions are a bit ridiculous recently: personally, I’d prefer my songs come complete in the package and I don’t have to find booster packs. With that said, the aforementioned extended version of this newest single from Little Mix’s second-to-most recent solo breakout, Perrie Edwards, is very good. We’ve had a lot of smooth, lounge-esque 80s pastiches on this show, but this delves so fully into glitzy synth-funk that it’s really admirable. The groove, though a bit plastic and muddy in the mix as you kind of expect from cheaper UK pop production, is undeniable and the easy guitar melody has been in my head persistently since I first heard it. Most importantly, Ms. Edwards actually plays with the instrumental and its composition as a vocalist, she doesn’t just sit afloat in the way many other singers would, and that includes, say, a Dua Lipa. The weirdly fast-paced tumble of a chorus displays that messy breakup so well and rings alarm bells in the posturing that she’s really over it, guys, she’s totally not been thinking about him, within the verses, but she’s still rightfully angry and the chorus isn’t that awkward of a tumble that it can’t carry the same swagger the instrumental from Mr. Zmishlany commands. It’s no surprise to me that this guy has worked before with people like Shawn Mendes and Sabrina Carpenter given how breezy of a listen it is, though Perrie doesn’t stumble over her own writing in the way those two do: she shares the command of the song with the funk behind her. It truly is a brilliant pop song, yet it turns out to be the one that’ll probably flop. I understand that the Little Mix girls have had, so far, very ephemeral solo stardom, but the quality is really there for a lot of them, so it’s a damn shame that the girl group fame hasn’t rubbed off more than it probably should have.

#60 - “misses” - Dominic Fike

Produced by Dominic Fike

Ah, Dominic Fike. I remember when I knew that one song which was a pretty good song, and never even needed to think about him for a second song, let alone an acting career that I couldn’t care about but have heard… not so great things regarding, as well as of course pushing out some of the most insufferable indie pop of the last few years, of which some has been covered here. This new track… okay, are you fucking kidding me? This is one minute and 14 seconds. I get Fike has gained virality more for his demos than his completed songs, and that sometimes this is valid, but you can tell how inauthentic and tacky the “distortion” here is, and the fact that it’s all packed into barely more than one minute shows me two things: 1.) the writers and producers are lazy, 2.) they’re chasing some of that success he got from dumping some, at least honest and interesting, demos onto streaming services. Oh, and a third thing: it was written and produced solely by Fike himself. That’s not particularly impressive, of course, when it’s somehow completely forgettable despite being so concise and insistent on drilling that one chorus melody into you, but he also devolves into vocal riffing midway through over an unchanging garage rock plonker that couldn’t pick up any momentum if it tried. And of course, because it’s Fike, I don’t need to tell you that the lyrics are condescending towards women. Calling her his “miss” is already off to a rough start without some needed context, and he doesn’t grant us that, instead going onto consider the relationship dead and reassuring her that she’ll be “grieved” - as if the woman in any given relationship actively wants their ex-boyfriend to grovel about them instead of just going their separate ways - before pinning the blame on her because he’s just a man who loved too much too quickly, right? The verse later basically berates her for being useless, and that when she’s not with him, she’s misguided and invisible, despite the fact that she’s so beautiful, yeah, piss off. This is a barely-constructed song with nasty attitudes on an album seemingly full of these shitty, malformed interludes and I don’t see any value in it sticking around.

#41 - “Wave” - Asake and Central Cee

Produced by Magicsticks

Nigerian singer Asake, who I’ve praised before on this show but mostly in the lower rungs of the chart and off of it entirely, is finally getting a real UK push, given the Cench feature, and whilst I liked “Lonely at the Top” largely for lyrical and performance reasons, this if anything is more of an exhibition for his producer, Magicsticks, as this is a genuinely unique instrumental here. It’s got an Afrobeats rhythm for sure, but not only is the drum pattering shakier but it’s accompanied by what I can only describe as a groan stick, which follows as weedy a melody as the later flutes. This is largely a chill song about relaxing and flexing, but the flatter sense of groove that exists here, the way the drums never embrace their full punch into long after Asake had meandered beyond the chorus, and only when Central Cee comes in, and still in a slightly staggered, stuttering way, it’s a really interesting decision that works out very well. It almost reminds me of Brazilian funk sometimes, especially with its cacophonic approach and that later screeching synth. As for content, it doesn’t really matter, but I do wish there was a little more substance or at least a less generic Cench verse, but really, the weird note the very busy and tense instrumental carries when placed against the Afrobeats genre’s use of choir vocals is really fascinating. It doesn’t fully hit, but it’s a risk that is pulled off by ensuring other elements of the mix, like Asake’s drowned out vocals or the general blandness of Cench’s cadences, are kept to the sidelines, which doesn’t lead to a fuller song but still an interesting one that is still developing on itself with extra choir harmonies and even uglier synth fuzz at its last moments. Maybe it’s not one I’ll go back to - it’s not particularly catchy - but it’s an interesting way to grab a different audience’s attention.

#37 - “us.” - Gracie Abrams featuring Taylor Swift

Produced by Aaron Dessner, Gracie Abrams, Taylor Swift and Jack Antonoff

So, Gracie Abrams, daughter of J.J. of course, released her let’s-pretend-it’s-adebut record, The Secret of Us, and surprisingly to me, despite pretty much no traction before this, it went to #1 on the albums chart: here is your golden ticket as to why. Not particularly this song, but the idea of Taylor Swift being behind this specific young singer and project, as well as making a direct appearance, absolutely helped. It also makes perfect sense considering that both of Abrams’ prior songs I had heard that charted were basically less self-realised Taylor Swift leftovers. She even got both Dessner and Antonoff on here because of course, and well, firstly, I don’t understand why this is a duet - and barely at that. Abrams derives from both her own older tracks and Taylor’s to create some unsubtle metaphors and oddly fragmented verses about a former relationship, and Taylor is here for decoration as far as thematics are concerned as there isn’t a clear attempt at implementing her vocal presence into the narrative. That’s… fine, if not lazy, but once you get to the lyrics themselves, it’s all kind of a shambles that apes Taylor’s style of writing without actually making all too much sense. I would appreciate the fantastical, forelorn imagery of “Babylon lovers hanging lifetimes on a vine”, if she didn’t ask her ex if they “miss[ed hers]”… what exactly could they miss here? If the point is that the vine represents a “lifetime”, then in what sense does it make for someone to “miss” a “lifetime”? Abrams could say that the relationship felt like a lifetime, or took a lifetime out of her, that would make sense, but it gets confused with the use of the Babylon imagery - also, the hanging gardens of Babylon are disputed to have even existed at all, but not in a concrete way where we know exactly what it’s being confused with or who exactly fabricated it, so “Babylon lovers” and the “vine” conceit feels like a cheap use of imagery without really understanding its origin, especially since Abrams makes “us” - I.e. the relationship - solid and established in that chorus.

The verses may be a bit of basic word salad, but when you try and make connections between certain ideas, they start to break down - what does being 29 years old actually have anything to do with being welcoming or open with your younger partner? If you’re going to include the “so”, there should be a connection but it’s never explained. It gets worse and worse throughout the song also: I know the “prophets”/”profits” homonym was probably just an inescapable cliché for our gang of four - even if it actually muddles the flow of that bridge - but what actually ARE the “false profits they make in the margins of poetry sonnets”? Who’s “they”, book publishers? How are the profits in any way “false”, or the exact “margins” of a sonnet relevant? Oh, and thanks for specifying “poetry sonnets”, not to be confused with the other types of sonnets that aren’t poetic, all zero of them. You could argue that part is purposefully meaningless as it criticises the guy for his misunderstanding of literature, sure, but I think to pull that off, one needs to 1.) show an understanding of the unnamed poetry he supposedly misconstrued and 2.) not, in your own poetry, express yourself in obtuse ways acting as rhythmic filler.

If you’re going to bring up Robert Bly and the irony that this guy gifted you his work without understanding its reference to masculinity and not representing the values in Bly’s work, how is this guy in any way “incomparable”? You just made a comparison! The condescending lyric from Taylor that he never “read up on” any of the literature he cared about and that he “could have learned something”, sounds really hypocritical in this song full of adding complexity and faux-poignant takes or, well, comparisons into a song ultimately lacking any nuance, because what does adding any of this meaninglessness really contribute to the general picture Taylor will paint of any ex-boyfriend in a typical song? I’m a sucker for detail lyrically but detail that actually gratifies the listener for looking carefully, not punishing them once the cracks are realised. This sounds nit-picky but is genuinely incredibly distracting for a song wherein I’m supposed to reeled into the narrative on display… and Hell, I’m always being told that Taylor is one of the greatest songwriters, so I’m not sure why I can’t nit-pick for every detail.

Obviously, this is not my only problem with the song. Dessner’s acoustic guitar is twiddly and oddly tense as well as feeling copy-pasted throughout the song, Abrams sounds like a BTEC Lorde on a chart week where we get the real deal taking genuine artistic risk - more on that later - and the chorus is a sludge of a lead vocal melody covered in feathery vocal layers that really emphasise how little is being said. If I were right-wing, I’d probably take even further offense in the sheer amount of pronouns Abrams is shoving down my ears, and honestly, I still am, because outside of the bridge, what is “us”? Why should he miss that? The bridge has all the plastic cinematic swell of a video game trailer, full with swooshing effects and some of the worst drums I’ve heard in pop this year just because of how staggered and dire they feel, they really contribute to a complete tonal clash with the supposed electricity and pure emotional feelings that the two sing about. I know this review is incredibly wrong for a song I don’t really like, but I did come into this with the idea that it’d probably be a good fit for the two to collaborate given Abrams’ influences and the potential for a really interesting narrative as a result, potentially playing off of that dynamic… yet what I get is a white, null void of platitudes that shatter at any scrutiny. Sorry, Swifties… or Abramites I suppose - this is one of my least favourite songs of the year so far.

#34 - “Pour Me a Drink” - Post Malone featuring Blake Shelton

Produced by Louis Bell and Charlie Handsome

Post Malone has yet to truly convince me on the straight-up country pivot. Sure, elements of folk and country have been vaguely reflected in his music for a while, if much lesser than the pop rock influences that have practically always been there and still largely are, but his producers are still his main guys - which I guess I can respect - and he decided Morgan Wallen wasn’t a seasoned enough veteran of Nashville so he went and bagged Mr. Gwen Stefani for the feature on yet another country drinking song… and I guess it’s fine. It’s exactly what you’d expect from a 2000s country-pop track, particularly one with some more organic fiddle but more canned drums and rock instrumentation, and I realise that I’m just describing a Blake Shelton song. Bizarrely, he fits less here than Post, who is a natural fit in his warble for this kind of casual country radio sing-a-long. Much like “I Had Some Help”, which this very much resembles, there’s a quicker pace to some of the songwriting, especially the chorus, that Shelton finds himself a bit behind sometimes, especially in that rough first verse to chorus transition. The second verse has some cool idea of chemistry between the two but it seems very forced. I can’t imagine a situation where Blake Shelton would be calling Post his “buddy” at an old bar as Post is trying to get with some girl. I think something is missing there, optics-wise… as well as a proper bridge, or any real harmonisation between the two, which also has no reason to be a duet, really. That really shows to me that Post or his label have little confidence in his ability to sell country, by lodging these veterans onto the track without any thematic relevance, and also not realising just how charismatic Post is on his own. I can imagine the dumb grin on his tatted-up face as he records the song, I’m not sure I can really imagine Blake Shelton feeling anything at all. I also don’t really buy either of these guys trying to “keep up with the Joneses” - you ARE the Joneses, fellas - but that’s beside the point of the song. It’ll work in the right context, but it’s not like there’s not plenty of these types of songs and the inclusion of Blake Shelton here detracts from it quite a bit too.

#28 - “Girl, so confusing” - Charli xcx

Produced by A.G. Cook

Yeah, I prefer the solo version. Whilst it’s clear that Charli is talking about someone, probably Lorde, on “Girl, so confusing”, which is now confirmed, the more self-contained story of Charli misunderstanding cues and overthinking certain interactions she has with women in general, as well as the more specific showbiz talk, is much more compelling to me than knowing that it’s just about one woman in particular. That doesn’t mean the Lorde version can’t be that as well, but when I first listened to BRAT, “Girl, so confusing” really resonated with me, in part because of the anthemic nature of the chorus, with the scattered vocal stuttering very much in A.G. Cook’s wheelhouse, but also because, I mean, yeah. It is confusing sometimes to be a girl, and that general thesis, as well as applying the lyrics in the verses to everyday interactions, is something I can get behind and see a lot of value in, especially since it uses such a universally humanising statement to bring the album’s themes back home. Unfortunately, here comes Lorde, coming off the strength of her worst album, and making a song already about her… not very easily about anything else.

I’ve said this before with acts like Doja Cat and Ye, but when it gets too absorbed in gossip, I tend to tune out, and I can’t find many universalities in Lorde’s new contributions, to the point where that main lyric starts to sound closer to “It’s confusing to be Lorde”, which I don’t doubt but I also don’t care about hearing unless I spin a Lorde album, which, well, I do. I love Melodrama. What I don’t love is the awkward implementation of Lorde into the Auto-Tuned club-pop cacophony. She gets to the point - are you sure this is still Lorde? - but it’s through a breathless delivery that name-drops specific elements about Charli that take the song even further away from universality for the sake of the “moment”. I didn’t even realise people cared about a Lorde and Charli feud, one I didn’t know existed until this album dropped, and I honestly doubt this lasts much longer thanks to what is arguably a novelty aspect. I still do like the song, and yes, I will count the original in the conclusion because the Official Charts Company doesn’t credit Lorde, but I wish I could connect to it much more, and the way a lot of people really are gravitating to this viral moment at least gives me some solace in knowing it did do that for other people. The funniest end result for me would be if the song is actually about Marina and the Diamonds and this was all grade-A trolling.

#25 - “feelslikeimfallinginlove” - Coldplay

Produced by Max Martin, Oscar Holter, Bill Rahko, Daniel Green and Michael Ilbert

So, Coldplay are releasing their second weirdly-stylised, Max Martin-penned space album of the 2020s. Sure. These guys can do anything they want at this point and whilst it frustrates me that they don’t take the risks they have with that freedom, or at least in more compelling ways because there definitely are some… choices on the last few albums, some genuinely experimental and out-there, I know I’m not going to find that in a lead single, and hey, the band’s given us some great music in the past, with singles and deep cuts so there’s a level of expected quality and polish to everything they put out. Unexpectedly, however, I love this song. Yeah, I was surprised too, not been a fan of much Coldplay for a while, but this reminds me of the muted Ghost Stories, where its swell came from a genuine push and struggle to express those emotions, rather than the careening easiness of stumbling into orchestras or guitar overdubs like they usually do. If there’s any song in particular I feel that it’s reminiscent of, it’s probably that record’s big single, “Magic”. The difference here is that this is far from a divorce record, it’s a childishly lovestruck anthem, but one that starts with a piercing, glittery distortion that peters away for Damon Albarn-sounding synths and flickering drum sequencing that is as monotone as Chris Martin’s pained attempts at “la-la”s. He’s so tedious in his delivery that he ends up having to harmonise with a pitch-shifted version of his own vocal take, and all of that is a compliment, this is a really interesting song in terms of where it lies emotionally: he’s in love, but seemingly some of that love is coming out of a pity, a hand being lent to a guy who considers himself born to destroy everything good that comes to him. This is his one attempt to pull on those hands in full sincerity, acknowledging that it’s probably a mistake for him to do so but putting his heart and hope where his hands are: in the trust of a new partner who lets the windows open in spite of all that. Fitting for a Glastonbury performance, there are some lush synth and stringwork in the sing-a-long chorus, and it’s definitely a sing-a-long chorus given the simple melody and platitude lyrics that still do reflect some of the song’s conceits - “You’re throwing me a lifeline” is a great lyric to add to ensure that’s still embedded within each crack of the song’s premise, and yes, he rhymes it with “lifetime” and this time, it makes sense. I don’t usually say, “Take notes from Coldplay,” but we might have to start revising their back catalogue. There’s a certain restraint to the song’s true capabilities too - it’s in full slow build-up Coldplay territory of course, but all we have to really reflect on that other than the expected instrumentation is a guitar line so far to the left channel that it’s borderline communist, and a sputtering of lovestruck gibberish from Mr. Martin that’s honestly kind of adorable. It reminds me of when he performed lyrics from the Crazy Frog live on television as part of an instrumental break, it’s a cute and endearing way to end the song. Surprisingly enough, I do thoroughly enjoy this new Coldplay single. Been a while since I’ve said that with as little hesitation.

Conclusion

It’s tough. Who wasted my time the most? But whom did I clearly at least have something there to tussle with and find some value in outside of novelty? As controversial as this probably is, I’m ultimately going to grant Worst of the Week to “us.” by Gracie Abrams featuring Taylor Swift, because at least Dominic Fike’s vapid garbage is as transparent as it is, and yes, “misses” gets a very close Dishonourable Mention. As for the best, it’s also pretty evident here that it’s a toss-up between a few great songs, but ultimately I’ll actually lend it to Coldplay for “feelslikeimfallinginlove” because it sounds great in what might be a more unique emotional balance than the others, though I’m still giving a tied Honourable Mention to the girls, those being Charli xcx for “Girl, so confusing” and Perrie for “Tears”. As for what’s on the horizon, we’ll see whatever tangible impact Glastonbury and Headie One have, as well as that mess of a Camila Cabello album, Jason Derulo’s team-up with two prominent English DJs and maybe more K-pop than you’d think. Time will tell, however, and for now, thank you for reading, rest in peace to Shifty Shellshock - sugar! baby! - and I’ll see you next week.

#uk singles chart #pop music #song review #coldplay #charli xcx #lorde #gracie abrams #taylor swift #asake #central cee #post malone #blake shelton #perrie edwards #dominic fike

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