#edit: ugh this posted too early! this one is never editing its drafts on the mobile app again

[patchworkcuddlebug]

Weredoll: Alone

It all started with that toy. I know it had to.

I only touched it for a few seconds. God, I should've known. That pull, that imperceptible radiance, of course it was magic. But it just looked so... pretty. I didn't think twice, I just wanted a closer look, and I could feel the jolt through my system as soon as I curled my fingers around it. Magic.

It's the same feeling that was in the seashells that made my best friend a mermaid all those years ago, damning her to the sea. The same feeling as the fae that spirited away my mother's name.

Yes, they looked happy. But I always knew better. You can't abandon your humanity, you just... can't. You shouldn't be able to, you shouldn't want to. It's just wrong.

I spent the whole day frantic. Combing through forums and blogs, staring down at the listings for dubiously reliable books. If nothing happened in the moment, the only conclusions were a crawling slow-burn transformation that would take me piece by agonizing piece, or... something conditional.

The door to my room was locked. My bed was pushed out from the wall and put in the way of the door, just in case. Now all I can do is sit at my computer desk, eyes trapped in the corner of my laptop.

11:59. Any moment now I would find what fate I was cursed to. I'd spent long enough wracked by anxiety, the humanity in my soul clung to my body in terror. Now, there was nothing but a silent, helpless anticipation.

12:00.

I flinch as the number changes. I pat my body down, trying to find any hints to my curse. But I can't find anything. Everything as it should be. Warm to the touch, but not hot. Just enough give before skin squishes against bone.

I wanted to feel relief, but the confirmation just brought on a defeated emptiness. A sighing, accepting resignation to the alternative, or a confused...

...it's spreading. The emptiness. It isn't just emotional. There is a visceral feeling of removal slowly expanding from my body.

I tried to stand. My hand was on my stomach, like I was trying to feel the thing eating me from the inside. I feel the void overtake my gut, leaving me with a hollow and cavernous lack. There was no sense of hunger, my body failing to cry out with need as it should with an empty stomach. The feeling instead slotted into place, as if I was designed for it.

I try and walk to the mirror. Everything's off. My limbs are too heavy and my torso is too light. I lift my shirt up, and see the beginnings of a seam. There's a small indent that traces around the base of my ribs. Exactly like a ball jointed doll.

I feel sick. I feel faint. But more than anything, I feel empty.

I stumble to the bed and collapse. I can't keep myself upright, I can't muster the will. Fuck, this is really happening, isn't it? I don't care if it's just for the night. I don't want to let go, I can't. Being a person is all I've ever known. How could I not be scared?

My hands fumble along my side. I can feel myself hardening, the texture changing as I move upwards. The seam's already deepened, god knows how far, letting my rigid body—

A violent shudder overtakes me. I cough involuntarily. It's reached my heart.

I can't take my hand off it. The other desperately grabs my hair, trying to ground me, as I feel my heartbeat get weaker and weaker. I try breathing harder, invoking my anxieties, anything to speed it back up, but it's mere seconds until it shuts down completely.

It feels... uncomfortable. Just uncomfortable. All my panic is forced. A cognitive understanding that I really should be terrified, that my heart stopping is something every person needs to fear, but the emptiness swallows all that away. There's a passive, almost reassuring understanding. I'm unharmed, and it's not permanent.

This shouldn't be good. It just shouldn't, right? This isn't the absence of life, it isn't an emptiness that destroys. It's tranquility, it's cleanliness, it's alleviation. I know this is part of the curse, but I just feel so... at ease. Any negative feeling I try to summon is just swallowed by the emptiness, tidied up and put away.

Oh yes, the transformation. It seems it's spread quite far while I was distracted. Down my thighs and up to my neck. I move my hands up to my shoulders, knowing my first joints are going to grow in any minute.

No, no. I can't let it take me. I refused to be reduced to a thing to be ordered around, some heartless construct that only exists for others. There has to be something. I can make my heart beat again, I have to, or I'll die, right? I make a fist and start pounding on my chest as hard as I can... only being met with a dull, hollow thud as the plastic dents into the emptiness inside me. There's nothing in there to start anymore.

Okay. This can still be salvaged. It's just a body, and while it may change, I'm still a human inside. I won't let that be taken from me, I just need to... a suctioning feeling settles in. My skin, just at my shoulder, feels... loose. Ill-fitting.

With a single jerking motion, I reach up and grab at my shoulder, bloodlessly tearing away my skin like it's a thick and heavy tissue paper. Underneath the scraps left behind is the beginnings of a ball joint. It's much too round, the indents where the mechanics let me move just beginning to burrow. It's as if my joints are trying to pop out of their place in my sockets, held in by the firm suggestion of an artificial material. I can already feel my muscle sinew being digested.

I need to be upset, I need to. This is an existential terror in the most literal form, a destruction of all that I am. But all change is death, sacrifice. You cannot become one thing without destroying another. It's rather beautiful to bloom... no, please, no. I refuse to accept such a fate laying down, no matter how much the curse tries to ease me.

I suppose if it can swallow my gut feelings and quell the uneasiness in my heart, it won't be long until it starts to harden this one's brain, leaving it with... leaving it. It. This one.

No. Not now, not ever. If this one can't trust its feelings, and if its starting to lose its cognition, it needs to rely on its behaviour. It will remain human, in one form or another.

Dolls like to clean, to keep things orderly and convenient for others. This one just needs to rip its bed apart! It tears at the corners of its covering, tossing its pillows across the room as it tangles its sheets into a useless mess. There, a bed no doll would be proud of. It tasks a moment to bask in the joy of a completed task.

A sickening pop. It turns back to the mirror and sees its joints as they should be. Perfect round attachments, manufactured just right to allow it mobility. All that remains are its shins and its hands. It's running out of time.

This one tries to walk back to its laptop, and is immediately distracted by its walk. No longer is there the looming clumsy tumbling from its discordant changes. There's an effortless elegance, a refinement of movement and intention. It feels rather pleasing to present itself in such a formal manner. Before the transformation began, it wouldn't have considered such a thing, finding much more comfort in more casual poses and movements. It feels silly to derive such comfort from informality now. Good dolls are-

This one freezes, taken aback by its thoughts. Good dolls are polite and dignified. It's a mantra, a commandment, a colloquialism. A reflexive proverb, as if it were so baked into cultural DNA as to be self-evident. Of course that is how a good doll is to act, it would be silly to pretend otherwise. That... doesn't have to imply anything about this one, it's still a person. This one returns to its task.

12:04. It feels as if it should have been much longer. Becoming felt so fundamentally altering it's bizarre to picture it as taking only 5 minutes, even if that is what this one's research confirmed to it prior. Oh well, it can't be helped. Good dolls are punctual, after all.

There has to be something it can do, something to keep the final throes of the transformation at bay. Dolls are meant to act, and... well, that's not entirely true, is it? Dolls are also meant to be still. To be posed, a beautiful decoration, dressed in the finest outfits...

This one finds its brain... shutting off. Floating away. This is no mere emptiness; it's a trance. A blissful, wonderful stillness. No concern for thoughts, no feelings beyond a gentle calm.

As it sees the clock change, it blinks itself back to awareness. Ah, so that was stillness. This one understands why other dolls find it so enrapturing. It will gladly return to it once it has finished all it has to do.

But first, it looks down at its body. Everything is stiff and rigid, the only movement being allowed by the segments through its hardened skin. Its behaviour has been overhauled, now much more prim and proper, only breaking its posture to help its self-examination.

Of course, this one thinks like a good doll as well. It desires to serve and obey another, and in their absence, it will simply busy itself with chores, doing all it can to help like a good doll. It seems its readings were correct, and the transformation has finished.

Well, that was quite the experience. This one prepares to reflect on it... in the morning, once it's a person. In the meantime, it elegantly walks back to its bed and begins to tidy up, the much more pertinent task.

[tommybaholland]

Hiya! I was wondering if I could request a one-shot with Sugawara where the reader is his best friend and secretly loves him but he doesn’t know? Then maybe another person catches his attention and the reader starts to distance themselves from Suga to try to spare themselves the hurt? Then maybe turns out the other person was just using Suga/wasn’t serious bout him and he realizes that the person he really loves is the reader but now they’re staying away from him and just angst and fluff and dramatic confessions?? Sorry if it’s far too much detail, I get carried away. Your writing is amazing, keep up the fantastic work!

somebody, some body

featuring: sugawara 

goddddd i’m so sorry i am late with a post AGAIN. this has been way overdue to be posted actually, and last night i finished it and was almost done with editing but accidentally lost everything i added and edited in the draft :// so thank you for being patient with me! this ended up being pretty long, so hopefully that makes up for the wait :) anyway, i really liked this idea! i have a little personal experience with this kind of situation, so it was fun to explore those feelings a bit. thanks for requesting and enjoy!

you didn’t always know that you would be in love with koshi sugawara. your dynamic was always friendly, and nothing more. so where did you go wrong?

when you think back to your history with suga, you could never find yourself resenting any time you spent with him. it all started when you moved into his neighborhood and as a shy child, you didn’t have the easiest time making friends. but he was a kind boy who was around your age and made it easy for you to form a bond with him. after all those years, neither one of you had changed that much. you were still reserved at heart but, he was the one who pushed you to things that you both could enjoy. 

one is joining the high school volleyball club together. you weren’t usually one to go outside of your comfort zone, but with him, you felt like you could do anything. he had you fuel your enthusiasm and you had him to thank for that. volleyball ended up being a great idea because it was quite a versatile sport that anyone could play. you found that you were quite athletic and took a liking to the libero position. there was just something exciting about digging a ball off the ground and rolling on the floor to get back up again. also, it looked pretty cool. 

so that was great until you hurt your shoulder during a game, which ended up being more severe than it seemed. now you couldn’t lift your left arm very far over your head unless you wanted to dislocate your shoulder again. it was already a tough recovery period because all you wanted to do was get back to the game. 

he was there with you for the entirety of it and even though he mostly encouraged you, he had to make sure you knew you wouldn’t do anything to hurt yourself. you felt helpless. it was the lowest he had ever seen you and he did everything he could to lift you back up again.

that was something you could never take for granted with him. 

the thing about you and suga is that you were in constant contact, especially during school. if it wasn’t sending each other funny memes or tiktoks, you were either on snapchat with each other or texting. sometimes simultaneously. 

are you alive?? 

yeah i’m awake, unfortunately

what do u want sugar-wara 

whoa how are you up this early lol and sugar is my thing ok

let’s go get sweet buns before class

ur right, it is ur thing. ur sugar-wara

okay i’ll meet you by the light in 15 

there was a lonely intersection in your neighborhood with a red stoplight that seems to have malfunctioned and now the light never stops blinking. you and suga lived on the same street, with the intersection being a perfect place to literally meet in the middle. 

“hey, sugar-- uh oh. someone doesn’t look so sweet today!”

he was always so peppy in the mornings. 

“yeah, well, maybe if someone didn’t wake me up with their annoying texts..”

“if you really don’t want to be woken up, you’d put your phone on do not disturb. you can thank me later for being your alarm clock.” 

he gave you a bright smile and a few head pats before you set off down the road to your favorite bakery which happened to be on the way to school. you didn’t go every morning, but most days it was necessary for you to start your day off right. 

“how’s the team looking this year, mr. vice captain?”

“pretty good, actually! four first years joined the team and one of them’s over six feet tall. our blocks will be unstoppable!”

 there were several things you loved about suga but, if there was one thing you enjoyed most, it was hearing him get psyched about volleyball. even though you couldn’t play anymore, his undying enthusiasm for the sport made you feel like you were living through him vicariously. 

“and there’s one who’s on the shorter side, only a little taller than noya. but he seems to have so much energy and drive, it’s just-- i don’t know, i have a feeling we could actually make it to nationals this year.” 

“wow, that’s great!” 

“you should come to practice and see them! also we just got asahi back so i need to make sure my sets really land.” 

“kou, you know i love watching you guys but isn’t that what kiyoko’s there for?”

“well, yeah, but you know how i play best!”

“yeah, sure. it’s not like i have anything better to do.” 

“you never let me down!” 

 his smile never let you down. 

it was your senior year of high school and it felt like things were going to be nothing but great.

“so...speaking of you knowing me best,” he started rather hesitantly.

“what would you do if i...made you dinner?”

“i...what?”

“oh, uh, oh, no. not, like, i make you dinner but, like...rei finally agreed to come around tonight and i thought i’d make something for them.”

“oh, um,” you tried to force a smile. “yeah, i think they’d like that.”

“yeah? you don’t think it’s too cheesy or anything? we haven’t hung out very much but i’d thought it would be a nice way to show them that i mean what i feel, you know?”

“yeah, yeah! that sounds perfect, kou..”

if only they knew that they were so lucky. 

you knew about this person, rei. they were your teammate and even a friend at one time. they transferred to karasuno during your second year and you bonded over your shared interest of the libero position. they didn’t get to play much that season until you got injured and had to quit playing. 

to see them fill that position so easily, it made you feel so type of way. a way that suga couldn’t know because even though he was there for you, he couldn’t deny his feelings. you remember when he told you that he liked them. about how he’s liked them ever since they came to karasuno and about how he was nervous to talk to them. 

and guess what?

you encouraged him. you encouraged him to try to pursue someone who you knew and liked, so now you had to hide that you were envious of both their position on the team AND the fact that your best friend is in love with them. 

at first, you tried to look at it as a positive point. you were still friendly with them, but volleyball was the only thing that connected you so you didn’t talk to them that much anymore. but now that suga, the person you’re closest to, was talking to them, it opened up the possibility that you would be able to reconnect with them. you had to be supportive. you were his friend, his closest friend, after all. 

-

the next morning you didn’t wake up from a text from suga. no, it took several snooze buttons to wake you up, which already put you in a bad mood. 

it’s ur turn now. are u alive??

i actually woke up to my alarms, how weird. u must be dead lol 

also have you done the english assignment yet? i need serious help >_<

you weren’t afraid to double, triple, even quadruple text him because more often than not, he did that to you. sometimes he’d even send longish paragraphs as he did later that day when classes had already started. 

hey sorry today has just been filled with fun and thriving and good stuff! rei asked me if i wanted to meet up with them before school last night and they made me some sweet buns and they were soooo good. i think we’re going to eat lunch together with some of their friends from vbc. ugh english sucks for me too. idk why you think i’m good at it

you almost jumped at the gesture to reply. it was never this long that he would go without text you at least one dumb thing. 

haha it’s okay don’t be sorry! so i guess last night went well?

also ur great at english sugar-wara what r u talking about??

it surprised you how quickly they seemed to become so friendly. it was kinda weird that he would already be spending a lot of time with her and now meeting all her friends. he probably already knew of them though, with volleyball and everything. the thoughts of how long you would have to wait for a reply crept in your mind, but that was quickly erased by an elapsed period of only a few minutes. 

yeah it went great! they had never had someone cook for them before, so they really liked it. this morning they told me they’d show me how to make fried eggs bc i said i dont know how to use a stove lol 

wait you made a whole meal for this person and u don’t know how to use the stove??

i used a crockpot and microwave ok :// don’t make fun of me dingus 

well a stove would definitely broaden ur horizons lmao that’s nice it went well though 

thank you i hope its going well 

that conversation was truly the end of the beginning. 

Every day after that seemed to happen the same way. you’d wake up, no text from suga. he hadn’t even replied to what you last said the previous night. you didn’t see him much either, but you knew who he was with probably. you would still stop by at volleyball practice where you did get to see him but they were there also. so you found yourself dipping out a lot more. 

it just felt weird. seeing him talk to someone he didn’t even know before. they didn’t even know him. even when you two were on the team together, they never once showed much interest in him and now it just seemed strange that they would. 

the transition was particularly difficult for you, as much as you didn’t want to admit it. one night you were so overwhelmed with work because you had waited too long to do it. frantically texting suga was an understatement. 

you knew you couldn’t put all your reliance on him but it was weird that he wasn’t replying on a school night as he was just as much a procrastinator as you. you dragged yourself through the night, trying to put together a somewhat coherent speech for english the next day. which, again, started as it had for the past few weeks. you still hadn’t heard from him, but it doesn’t even matter anymore. by the time he replied, it was almost embarrassing on your part. 

oh my god y/n i’m so sorry i didn’t reply sooner. i tried to get all my work done early so i could hang out with rei last night and i was asking my mom for advice and she told me to just pay attention to them as much as possible so i just wanted to be with them, you know? but i really hope you didn’t beat yourself up too much about it and that you got at least a little sleep. i’m sure your speech went well :) 

you sounded desperate for his help and meanwhile, he’s genuinely trying to show someone how much they mean to him. could you look any more stupid? 

you didn’t even want to reply but you felt like you had to. 

no don’t be sorry koshi! if anything i’m sorry i was just super frustrated in the moment and didn’t know what to do. i managed to pull something halfway decent together i think so it’s all okay now 

was it okay though? 

that was when you realized that things would never be the same. you’re his best friend and that’s simply it. you mean something to him, but not the same something that they mean to him. you couldn’t go to him when you help because then you’d be taking his time away from someone who wanted to feel that special meaning. it was a hard pill to swallow, for sure. but there were still several questions that lingered in the potential of what your relationship could be.

isn’t it possible to be both a best friend and a partner at the same time? you didn’t see any problem with it, so why couldn’t it be true? 

-

two weeks past and suga, your best friend, decided to let you in on some news. 

going up against all these powerhouse schools is definitely tough but it’ll help our team in the long run. we’re really amped to play seijoh soon but also i have an s/o now who can come and cheer us on 

WAIT you guys made it official?? when?

haha we’ve been official for like two weeks now 

oh well that’s great! 

(what the actual hell.)

months went by and you saw suga maybe two or three times. and only saw him, usually with the rest of the volleyball team or with rei and their friends. you texted now and then but it wasn’t the same. you had to accept that it wouldn’t be the same, so you did. you had a good group of friends who you spent more of your time with, as well as trying to focus as much as possible on school. entrance exams were coming up and you couldn’t let this be your downfall, even though you and suga had previously talked about possibly going to the same college together. but that wasn’t important anymore. 

you had your priorities and suga had his. 

which was the biggest reason why you decided not to go to the game against aoba johsai. you told him that you would try to make it, if schoolwork and college prep courses would lend you the chance. you were just trying to focus on yourself and work hard in on your own. you still texted him just to show that you still cared. 

sorry i couldn’t make it to the game! how did it go?

we lost :’(( we were so close too 

oh no :( i’m sorry kou. but i know you guys will get them next time!

he never replied, which only made you want to grow further from him. 

summer vacation rolled around and it was about a month out from suga’s birthday. a strange text appeared from someone you didn’t expect. 

Hey so I wanted to get manga for suga for his bday but I cannot for the life of me remember which ones he has so can you try to casually ask him which ones he has? like the next time you guys talk about manga or something?

you felt weird that they were asking for your help, considering that they now spent more time with him than you did. but you weren’t going to completely ignore them either.

to be honest we haven’t talked a whole lot lately but i’ll try to subtly ask him 

Okay awesome thanks!

what were you thinking of getting him?

Deathnote lol nothing original

hmm maybe the new aot volume? 

Yeah, that’s a good one. Or maybe BNHA

yeah that too! do you still want me to ask him? 

Yeah could you? 

yeah sure!

Yay thanks! 

okay i’ll let you know what i find out

going through with this was even worse. if it were you, you’d take him to see his favorite artist in concert. he wasn’t never much of a concert guy but he would talk about how badly he wanted to go see them live. or a more lowkey and personal option would be to customize a crewneck for him. you had a knack for designing and decorating plain-looking clothes and he would try to do it himself but would always remark how much better yours always turned out. 

but this time you’re simply the messenger and wouldn’t get that chance to get him something you know he’d love. not that he wouldn’t like manga, but it just seemed like they weren’t putting a ton of thought into it. maybe you couldn’t blame them though, it had only been a few months that they had been dating. 

that conversation honestly seemed more out-of-the-blue than anything, but you were hoping that suga would be as oblivious as ever. it didn’t even matter in the end because he never even answered your subtle way of asking. you didn’t feel like double texting because a.) you hadn’t done that in months and b.) it seemed too obvious. 

in the end, you did all that you could do and told rei that you had no information to provide, even after a week had passed. that was your, now monthly, interaction with suga that month. 

but it wasn’t like you weren’t thinking about him. 

your interactions moved from text to strictly snapchat, where you would hold streaks for considerable amounts of time. but every time you seemed to break contact with him, you found yourself blaming them. but you couldn’t blame them. they were with him, dating him. they had a right to claim a spot by his side. you had learned to pull back and just live your life. 

but life didn’t want you to have a great time either. albeit through a simple app like snapchat, he was the one asking you if you were okay. at this point, you would probably just deflect but somehow, you found yourself telling him about how you didn’t do so well on your entrance exams, despite having done what you could to prepare for them. you just thought you were so focused to do well, but maybe it was too much focus. you told him it would be alright. another notification came through.

snapchat from sugar wara  

you opened it to a selfie of him, one that was angled upwards to position him looking right up into the camera, his wide hazel eyes being the centerpiece of the photo. the caption simply said, “promise?”

and that was when it happened. you felt something different in your heart like it was knocked around in your chest. you smiled at the simple response and replied, “yeah i promise!!” 

it felt strange, but you finally admitted it, 

you were in love with koshi sugawara. 

timing was, without a doubt, a demise in all of your previous relationship endeavors. you could never seem to get that part right, also coming in too fast or not knowing if you should wait. you had only hoped that someone you liked would like you just as much. so catching feelings for someone, strong feelings at that, was not part of your current life plans. let alone with suga, someone you were, at one point, extremely close to. 

you know so much about him and what scared you was that your confession would be the only one that could mess up whatever relationship you had left with him. why couldn’t you just enjoy where you stood with him? why should your selfish feeling have to get in the way? 

stupid was an understatement as you how you felt. he was still dating rei, and that didn’t look like it was going to end anytime soon. you didn’t know what to do or how to cope. you can fight your feelings, but they can’t change right away. and for as long as you’ve known suga, the history you’ve shared with him, it seemed like these feelings weren’t leaving anytime soon. 

you spent the next couple of weeks trying to get everything out, while simultaneously trying to forget. you vented about it to your friends and while most of them offered advice, you stuck with just remaining stagnant. one of them suggested that you confess to him but that was what you feared most: that your feeling would become so overwhelming that you had to do something impulsive to relieve them. he would probably never talk to you again. there was nothing you could do. he was in a relationship with someone he really likes. why would you try to ruin that for him? 

you didn’t go to any of the preliminaries, mostly because of prep courses and trying to prepare for the next round of entrance exams. you still kept up with suga and saw that they won in the game against seijoh and we now going to the finals against shiratorizawa. you swiped up on his story and typed a simple, “omg that's amazing!! see I knew you guys could do it.” you continue to scroll through your phone, not thinking that much about it until a notification popped up.

sugar wara is typing…

snapchat from sugar wara

yeah it was great! Wish you could have been here though :(

me too! college prep courses seem to have been taking up all my time :P

is there any chance that you could try to find time to come to finals? 

we've been trying to get all the support that we can

plus it would be nice to see a familiar face there :) 

yeah i'll see what i can do to try to be there!

 wymd a familiar face? hasn't rei been going to the prelims?

they have been but we actually broke up about two weeks ago

i sort of initiated it but i promise it's okay

your eyes almost fell out of your head when you read that 2 weeks ago you were talking about how you were in love with him and were and decided to accept that it wasn't going to happen. now you're hearing that at the same time they had broken up? It seemed odd and... bittersweet. 

oh no i'm sorry kou :(

you bit your lip as you couldn't help but ask.

wdym you initiated it tho?

so kageyama has been killing it as our setter especially with his quick attack move with hinata 

rei was worried that i wasn't being treated fairly bc i'm a senior and vice-captain and all that. i tried to reassure them that i just want to see our team thrive and go to nationals but they still were worried about it and would talk about how they would go to games and never see me play once

it's been hard especially that it happened right before the seijoh game and now before finals

yeah i'm sure it's been difficult 

but don't beat yourself don't blame yourself so much! the team needs your support just as much as it needs players. nobody could replace that :)

thanks y/n :) i appreciate you so much

although you thought you would be happy, you can’t help but still feel weird about this whole thing. you felt like the ball was in your court but your bum arm couldn’t receive it properly. your feelings for him had been strong and you felt like you had to pack them all the way so now it just felt wrong to let them flow out again. but now that there was no conflict of interest, did you have to hide your feelings? 

it was more complicated than it was before. you didn't know how anything was going to play out at all and that kinda scared you. you did know one thing though, and that was how to be a loyal friend to suga because that's all you ever were from the start and that's what you could and would be for the future.

-

it was the friday before the finals game. 

you decided to stay late after school to maximize your focus on studying. it seemed to have worked because the sun was going down before you knew it. you wanted to get ahead on work so you could go to the game tomorrow. you and suga had been talking more recently and while it wasn’t as much as it used to be, it was more than it had been in the past several months. 

you quickly gathered up your things and left school for the night. the pretty orange and pink sky lit your way home through the quiet town and into the residential parts. at that point, the dark had met and light and-

“y/n! hey, wait!”

you turned to see none other than suga, jogging up behind you to catch up. you smiled at his sudden presence, looking past him to see the small group of the rest of the team. 

“hey! funny seeing you here.”

“yeah, haha,” he chuckled, catching his breath from suddenly running a considerable distance. “are you going home?”

“yeah.”

“can i walk with you?”

“of course.”

great! so i’m guessing you stayed late at school? you’re still wearing your uniform.”

“oh, yeah,” you affirmed, looking down at your monotonous outfit. “i just wanted to be all caught up on work and studying so i could go to the game tomorrow.”

“oh, yeah? that’s good to hear! yeah, we were-- we just had a late practice. coach left before us but we wanted to stay a little longer.”

“i hope you guys win tomorrow, it seems like you’ve been working really hard.”

“yeah, i hope so too. we’ve come a long way in such a short amount of time, it just feels like we can’t stop now.” 

you nodded in agreement. there was a beat of silence just then, and while it wasn’t awkward, it felt like something was lingering in the air.

“so, um,” he spoke up after several seconds. his eyes met yours and you felt that pang in your chest again, quickly looking away. “it’s been a while, huh?”

“yeah. yeah, it has, i guess,” you laughed lightly. you reached the intersection with the never-ending blinking stoplight and you turned around to face him.

“but i guess i’ll see you tomorrow, right?”

“yeah. yeah!”

“okay, get some sleep. goodnight.”

he nodded and you grinned at him before turning around to walk the rest of the way home until his voice stopped you again.

“hey, y/n?”

“yeah, kou?”

he looked down and all around, anywhere but your face.

“i, um, i know things have been kinda weird between for a while but it’s made me realize that i missed you, a lot.”

“yeah, i missed you, too.”

“but it’s also made me realize that i enjoy spending time with you and talking to you. like, even now, just talking to you makes me feel-- i don’t know. it makes me feel at ease like i’m home. and i’d really like to spend more time with you because i, um, i really like you.”

“you, you what?”

“i really like you, sugar.”

in all the ways you had imagined this happening, you never thought that you would feel your face fall to a frown, your heart beating in your ears. something just didn’t sit right with you about it.

“i, i, i don’t know what to say...”

“it’s okay if you don’t! i just wanted to tell you.”

“but why are you telling me this now?”

“do you-- do you not feel the same?”

“no. no! i’ve been wanting to hear you say something like that for so long, it’s just. you broke up with rei not too long ago and-- i don’t know. something isn’t right about it.” you shook your head, unsure of what you were trying to say.

“it’s how i feel,” he shrugged. “i just wanted to tell you and have a good feeling to hold onto to make tomorrow a little easier.”

you looked at him in disbelief.

“oh, so you think you can confess all that to me right before this big game and that i’ll automatically reciprocate those feelings when you just broke up with someone not even a month ago? i’m not a second choice--”

“no, sugar, listen, that’s not how i meant it at all--”

“no sugawara.” those words made him go quiet instantly. you never used his full name, there was always some sort of play on it, so this was serious. 

“maybe that’s not how you meant it, but that’s how i’m taking it. i’ve been wanting to tell you for so long how i felt but i wanted to respect your feelings so i didn’t. so please, respect mine. i’m not the good luck charm that you can just confess to and expect that it’ll all be okay. this just isn’t right. i’m sorry, koshi. 

your voice broke as his name left your lips, tears beginning to fall. you didn’t even give him a chance to respond, a rush of adrenaline telling you to quickly turn and get out of there. 

-

you didn’t get much sleep that night. 

it was hard not to think about your conflicted feelings over suga’s confession. you had hoped for that moment for a long time but the timing simply wasn’t right. how funny and ironic is that? you thought your timing was off. maybe you were meant for each other in that way. you couldn’t help but let your feelings get the best of you and you were beginning to become what you feared most from him. you thought he would immediately reject you and make you feel bad about ever saying anything about how you felt. but the roles are reversed and that was the part that blindsided you the most. 

you didn’t think that how you reacted was wrong but you also couldn’t imagine how he was feeling right now. he just wanted to feel good right before a big game but that backfired right in his face. some might call it karma, but part of you thought he didn’t deserve it. 

the pressure was setting in as the game went into the fifth and final set. what made it worse was kageyama wouldn’t be starting that set, his nose bleeding from the spike he took to the face. suga was genuinely thrilled to be a teacher, a mentor, and a support system for his fellow teammates. he didn’t mind that another, rather talented, setter had joined the team because that meant he wouldn’t have to worry about passing the position over to someone who he thought didn’t deserve it. 

he almost forgot he was actually a player on the team when everyone looked to him to fill in. this was his moment and it just happened to be at the most overwhelming part of this game. Both teams were tired while simultaneously running on pure adrenaline to see who was going to come out on top. 

suga had an opportunity, not only to start the set but be the trailblazer for their success. 

the nerves set in as he held up the paddle with the number nine on it, kageyama holding it up with him for a moment. It was symbolic in a way. suga always thought he’d be passing the baton to him, his successor as karasuno’s official setter, but this felt just as sentimental. Suga hadn’t played much this season but he got to watch the team grow into something that it once was: something great. They’ve had their share of loss and strife but it finally seemed like they had come so far and the only direction they can go is up. 

the nerves set in as he looked around, anywhere to ease them. His eyes automatically went to the team banner, black with the simple word ‘fly’ written over it, where all the school and their supporters were watching. he went down the line quickly but the wave of a hand caught his eye. his eyes shifted back and felt that familiar grin on him.

it was you. 

“c’mon suga! You can do it!”

and so he did. 

once the final ball hit the ground, the room was quiet with shock. it had been tight for most of the game but no one really expected this outcome. they were going to nationals. daichi, suga, and asahi embraced, taking in the satisfying feeling of victory. 

after the awards ceremony, you were buzzing with excitement for them, trying to calmly follow the rest of the crowd out of the gym. you could tell they were somewhere along the hallway as another crowd formed to congratulate the winning team. you weaved in and out of it, even getting on your toes to see if you could spot a familiar head of gray hair. 

you finally caught a glance at him from afar, his smile growing as his eyes locked onto yours.

“y/n!”

you mimicked his expression and found your feet moving quicker than your brain could process. he put in the same amount of haste to meet you in the middle. you both stopped at about an arm’s length away from each other. his flushed cheeks and slightly red but glistening eyes held your smile as you decided to speak first. 

“hey, kou.”

“hey, sugar.”

another minute couldn’t be wasted as you finally crashed into one another. it felt better to hold somebody that you knew and genuinely loved. you could be sure that he felt the same way as he held your body tightly against him. 

heyo haikyuu night! send any requests right here..

[starberry-cupcake]

bewareofitalics replied to your post “My mom bought me my first His Dark Materials book in 2001. It was a...”

Oh wow, it never occurred to me that the golden compass referred to anything but the alethiometer, since it looks like one and kind of points to truth like an actual compass points to north. Do you know if there were alternate names for the other books? It sounds like the titles were chosen to match The Golden Compass.

This is going to be a long af answer, I apologize beforehand. 

Curiously, they were not chosen to match it, Pullman wanted to persualde the US publishers to change it, but it didn’t happen and he settled with it. Little did he know that the movie would influence the title in many other countries later on. Here’s a quote from Pullman himself explaining the title thing and how the three being named after objects in the US version was a coincidence: 

The trilogy known as His Dark Materials didn't have that name in my mind from the start. In fact it didn't have a name at all; it was just 'the big book'. When I'd finished the first volume and was talking about it with David Fickling, my British publisher, we tried various names and couldn't find one that worked. I knew that the trilogy needed a name, and that each of the books needed its own separate name too (I don't like numbers in titles: THE GODFATHER PART TWO, and so on. Just a fad. But it's my fad). So: what should they be called?

My first discovery was the phrase The Golden Compasses (plural, note). This comes in Milton's Paradise Lost, a poem which inspired me a great deal. The line refers to the Son of God taking 'the golden compasses, prepared / In God's eternal store, to circumscribe / The universe, and all created things."

In other words, these were compasses to draw a circle with, not a compass to find your way with. I liked the phrase, and the trilogy became temporarily, during the publication process, The Golden Compasses. And we finally settled on Northern Lights for the title of the first book.

Meanwhile, in the US, it was being read by the editors at Alfred A. Knopf. Someone decided (mistakenly, but firmly) that the title referred to Lyra's alethiometer, which could be regarded as a sort of golden compass, but of the direction-finding and not circle-drawing sort. So the same someone or another someone decided to refer to the first book, for their own internal discussing-a-forthcoming-book purposes, as The Golden Compass.

Meanwhile, back in the UK, I had found the much better phrase, His Dark Materials, for the title of the trilogy. I quote the passage from which it comes at the very beginning of the first book. Better, because it's more atmospheric, and there's the uncanny resemblance to 'dark matter', which figures largely in the story. So out went The Golden Compasses, and in came His Dark Materials.

Meanwhile, back in the USA, the publishers had become so attached to The Golden Compass that nothing I could say could persuade them to call the book Northern Lights. Their obduracy in this matter was accompanied by such generosity in the matter of royalty advances, flattery, promises of publicity, etc, that I thought it would be churlish to deny them this small pleasure.

So that's it. The fact that all three titles refer to an artefact is no more than a coincidence, though it does make a nice pattern. Before I'd finished the third one, the artist Eric Rohmann, who drew the wonderful covers the books had in their first Knopf editions, asked what the third book would be called, and before I could tell him, volunteered The Sophisticated Monkey-Wrench.

One tiny final thing: my first suggestion for the third book was The Lacquer Spy-glass. My editor at Knopf, Joan Slattery, pointed out that this might be misheard as LACK OF, and that made sense to me; so it became AMBER instead.

Source: Bridge To The Stars, helping out fans since days of old :’) 

Since Pullman and the UK team never re-named Northern Lights (the closest it’s got was the tie-in edition of the movie having BOTH NAMES in the cover), I’m gonna assume they didn’t prefer it, even if it made the titles “match”. 

With the US market, things were like that since the start and there was no change in the name (there are also some censorship instances in US editions, but that’s beside the point). So, the readership never got an opportunity to get as confused as other markets.

The biggest problem was on how that influenced the non-English speaking markets. 

In Spanish, for example, like I said, the movie was called “La brújula dorada”, a literal translation of The Golden (navigational) Compass (as opposed to compás being a drafting compass), so all further editions of the book post movie changed their title, and considering the series has had SEVERAL publishers through the years, it’s a goddamn mess. 

For example, you have these three pre-movie editions calling it Northern Lights: this is the one I have, this is the next edition from which I have the 3rd book, god knows when this one was released, maybe before mine. The movie tie-in edition was, like the UK version, the one with both titles on at the same time, and sadly, the latest edition made by the publisher who is translating The Book of Dust, went with the US/movie title of navigational compass, but uses the cover design of the UK Northern Lights latest edition. 

As a side note, in Spanish, The Amber Spyglass kept the initial title Pullman wanted for it, it’s called El catalejo lacado, just like he wanted. 

To add to that, they translated His Dark Materials as “La materia oscura”. In-book, Dust is referred to as “Polvo”, which literally means “dust”, but with the translation of His Dark Materials to La materia oscura (which is a literal translation but loses the Paradise Lost reference), the Book of Dust was translated as “El libro de la oscuridad” which literally means “The Book of Darkness”. So, yeah, wow, what a journey. 

Spanish editions are divergent because the books came out at a time in which publishers were being absorbed by larger corporations in many Latin American countries during the early 2000s, so HDM (much like Harry Potter and other late 90s/early 2000s series) went through several publishers. 

In my collection I have the first two books from one edition, the third from another, Lyra’s Oxford in English (it was never translated, or at least not for Latin America), The Collectors in English and digital (ugh), La Belle Sauvage in Spanish and now I will have for Christmas The Secret Commonwelth in English. Once Upon A Time in the North, just like Lyra’s Oxford, was never translated in Spanish, or at least not for Latin America, but differently from Lyra’s Oxford, I could never buy it here, so I’m waiting for the moment when I can finally buy it from abroad, because that’s kind of a mess. 

You might be wondering, why if there’s a publisher doing The Book Of Dust and re-editing the trilogy, they haven’t translated Lyra’s Oxford, Once Upon a Time in the North and maybe The Collectors as a bonus (like other publishers did for soft released companion stories in book series). The answer is  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯¯

This was the longest response ever, I’m so sorry, I just thought it was all interesting information. 

[victorluvsalice]

Fic Resolutions for 2023!

Yeah, I know I don’t usually post on Sundays anymore, but it’s just become the New Year, and I’d like to set my fic resolutions down early. So let’s see --

1. Finish the first draft of “Londerland Bloodlines: Downtown Queensland” at least -- Yes, I am still working on that story, it’s just slow going because a) chapters long and b) lot of looking things up on YouTube for reference to get dialogue right and stuff like that. I am a decent amount of the way through, at least -- Alice is currently finishing up Venus’s quests, and will be resolving the plaguebearers in the next couple of days. Then she’s gonna hit Grout’s, and this particular chunk of the story will end with LaCroix ordering her to Hollywood and Alice and Victor preparing to see what that chunk of the map is like. I certainly don’t want to say it’ll be posted in 2023, but I should be able to finish the first draft and hopefully get at least a teaser chapter up by the end of the year!

2. Edit and post the full version of “As Long As You Love Me” and at least finish the first draft of its sequel “The Joker And The Queen” -- the other major project I was working on before taking a break in December to write gift fics (and get the ideas for my other coaster OCs straight in my head), this one should be easier to complete. The first draft of “As Long As You Love Me” (well, the first draft of all the bits I wrote to link together my previous snippets) is completed, and I’ve gotten a couple of chapters into the sequel. . .dunno if I'm gonna try to finish the first draft of said sequel first, or if I’m gonna go back and edit the original for posting first, but both will be done at some point!

3. Post those darn Secundus drabbles already -- I never did it last year, so I’m gonna try to get it done this year. If I can finally decide whether I’m doing just one drabble a chapter or many. . .ugh, if anyone wants to chime in on what they would prefer on that front, it would be helpful! But yeah, if I can at least get a START on doing that (maybe this summer, as a bunch of them were written for a summer challenge on a LiveJournal community I used to be a part of), that would be great.

*nods* I think this all sounds doable without being too much. Wish me luck! Happy New Year!

[temenosjournal]

It’s that time of year when everyone gathers a list of all The Best of, of which this not, or least not ‘best’ as in good, or should be nominated for a Giller Prize. Anyways, I got looking back through my drafts, and actually used one from the summer for a recent post (shhh…not saying which), and thought maybe I’d take a look at what I posted, in comparison to what got shelved.

I haven’t edited these (well, some spelling cause I am horrid). So, here we go, for better or worse.

~~~~~*~~~~~

HOW TO TALK TO TREES – [March 6th]

It has come to my attention recently that I’m not a total whack job, and that talking to Fred, my Ficus, is not completely in vain.

Yip, that’s it. Had been watching this Doc on the interconnected nature of trees, and was spellbound by the bond they have with their environment, how they send out nourishment to their offspring, and the …well anyways, began to sound in my head like I was writing some article for National Geographic, and not a personal blog. So that was ditched.

Five days later I published this – make it so. Instead, I wrote about my Ficus benjamina that I call Fred. And yes, I do talk to Fred, we’ve been together now for over 25 years, so we know each other well.

Then, later in the month I dove back into the heady waters of U.S. Politics, of which I do try to stay clear, but not always successfully. This is a product, you know, of my insatiable news addiction, I need to find a new hobby. But anyways.

~ * ~

AND I CRIED REAL TEARS [March 26th]

Was cleaning the front door yesterday afternoon, as the rain fell, I’d got ansy and found myself on this cleaning spree. Had swept and washed the floors, after rearranging everything last week, so the door was the last on the list. Had the music playing, some random Classical playlist from YouTube, so I’d been zening out all afternoon. Scrubbing away all this dirt and grime that had collected somehow to almost a degree that I found rather shocking I hadn’t noticed earlier, washing away the dirt of almost 4 years. And than it played…

‘Tis the gift to be simple, ‘Tis the gift to be free, ‘Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be, And when we find ourselves in the place just right ‘Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

One of my favourite versions, from ‘Appalachian Waltz’, with Yo Yo Ma and Allison Krause…stunning.

And somehow these tears came to my eyes.

It has always reminded me of my Grandmother, that song Simple Gifts, as she used to hum it all the time. It was one of her favourite songs, and basically in a number of ways sums up some of the things she taught me.

But these tears were not for her.

No, these tears were maybe frustration, disillusionment. When I look south of the Canadian border and look towards my Fathers family, I don’t know who it is I see anymore. What did I miss?

And don’t get me wrong, this creeping fear of the other has manifested itself here, with comments on come across on Facebook, and snide remarks about new policies in Toronto schools about providing a place for those of other faiths to pray, such as Muslim. And the quip about taking out the Lord’s Prayer in the morning, as I stand in line with them after work on Sunday afternoon at some retail store. Doesn’t prevent them from SHOPPING on Sunday though, I see.

Anyways, I am delusional.

Completely off in LaLa land to actually imagine maybe the world was a different place than it is.

I get sad, you know? I cry real tears for an America I understand. And I hear those beautiful words, of that simple song, and I can’t help but wonder, what happened to just simple gifts? You know, like maybe inclusion, community, compassion, empathy, faith, understanding? Love? When we have so much, and there are those with so little.

And all this hate, for what? 

To what ends? 

And God alone knows what the heck conspiracy theory of the moment is, but mark my words, you can guarantee someone is benefiting a WHOLE bunch.

And, dang it all, why am I crying REAL TEARS over this!!!??

I’m saddened, sure, just more than I realized.

How did this once great nation lets the wolves in? How?

With racism, and hate. Well, and believing all the BS that these talking heads spout.

See, I don’t watch TV, don’t catch the evening news, don’t follow the latest crap of some Kardashian or some other media “star”.

Seriously, couldn’t care less. Actually, I could care less, but I don’t believe there is an actual word for how much less I could care. So there.

But there I was, washing my door, and listening to simple gifts, and crying real tears.

I was born in the North Carolina, and lived there, in a dinky little trailer till I was 2 and a half. After which I’ve merely spent vacations every few years in the south. Driving down I95, winding so far round Washington D.C. and then crossing that Mason Dixon line, everytime thinking about why it’s there, and what that line means.

Same division, just I guess the lines got a little tangled up over the years, but there is still a line.

And I cried real tears, thinking about a place that I thought was just crawling out of that dark age it put itself into, through racism and hate of the other. Thought maybe they had learned a thing or three.

See, delusional.

A day later, I posted this – EUSTON. Just pictures, no words.

But I couldn’t let it go. That sense of something lost haunted me, but I decided I needed to say it in another way, so I went back and finally posted The Comfort Of Historical Knowledge. [April 6th] The featured image was a shot of the floorboards of the old attic, or we called the attic; actually would have been the servants quarters back in the mid-1800’s. It was taken just before the space was renovated as a suite for Dad and MsB a couple years ago.

~ * ~ THE VALUE OF THE EARTH OUTSIDE MY DOOR [April 28th]

The dirt underneath my fingernails, the sweet scent of the earth, the hope and gratitude gardening creates is a beautiful distraction from the insanity that haunts me. Or, rather I suppose that I allow to haunt me. For I do hunt for the tidbits the same as any other news junkie. I can’t help it.

It’s an insidious hate that poverty doth wrought. On the backs of those whose very existence is hand to mouth. Kept ignorant, impoverished and at the mercy of those whose actions, when they do choose to act, are done always for their own benefit. Believing every hateful utterance that condemns those they have been trained to be hateful towards. It’s a vicious, self-serving blanket of lies and half-truths, that haphazardly covers any truths they wish to hide from.

And, so I garden.

Ugh.

So, it is to the garden that I escape. At the end of the sidewalk, inbetween, is where you will often find me. Sitting on my stoop, with my dog at my feet, soaking in the shade of the Black Walnut over my head, here in my nook.

Instead, I posted garden the very same day.

This was one of the first where I took those long-winded essays and swept away whole sections, getting right to the core, but this time I left the two separated.

Yet, at other times, I ignored it completely and went off in a completely different direction. ~ * ~

DOING WHAT YOUR NOT SUPPOSE TO [June 8th]

Even now, I still half expect him to show up some night, real late at night when I have to work early early early the next morning, just like he always did. I don’t really believe he would, and he said he never would, not in two million years, but I still half expect it. Like anyone I’ve cared for, figures into my world long past there expiration date. Not so much from some pathetic belief they want something, but more as a fantasy, I suppose, so I know they really did actually care.

Although, in BealArt guys case it was never clear if he actually could feel real emotions anymore, or if everything had just been switched off when his baby girl passed on that night so long ago.

His ability to feel was always a joke, but I always thought he was the way he was because his feelings ran so deep, they were so big, but he never learned how to deal with them, just how to control them. Though every now again I could see the side of his mouth twitch, you know, like a ventiquilquist.

Instead, later that same day I posted – On Creating Woodlandia, And How You Can Too

Two shots I didn’t include with that post, for whatever reason.

Yes, I do sometimes prefer plants to humans, far less complicated.

~ * ~

paulab’s day off [July 4th]

i smelled the scent of the milkweed in the morning sun hundreds of them in bloom around me and i did not know that they had a scent at all as the morning coolness gave way to the noon day sun alone amongst them in wonder there atop the rise at euston meadow. later with nowhere to be but sit and watch the light change under the walnut tree in the in-between garden just watching shadows play dancing on the sidewalk flickering and i catch the breeze with my bohemian dress and skip over the cracks in the light fantastic on my way to a new day.

Which I guess I was going to post in response to a Photo Challenge, but something stopped me. Instead, the next day I posted this, actually for another Photo Challenge – a bridge for the sun.

It was inspired by a walk a couple of days before, and the air was filled with the smell of Milkweed from Euston Meadow. Even the next morning, when I was riding to work, as I rode by it was intoxicating. There were hundreds and hundreds of them, great sweeps of them. I had no idea Milkweed could smell so sweet.

~~~~~*~~~~~

Can’t remember what books it’s from, but it applies, “it was the best of times, it was the worst of times”. It’s interesting, looking back at what I posted, and what I left unsaid. Kind of a snapshot, in a certain way, of my writing process (or lack of at times). Sometimes its something I came back to, while others never saw the light of day, till now.

As this year comes to a close, I do want to thank you, all you who read my simple words.

Love,

The Best Of What I Didn’t Say This Year It's that time of year when everyone gathers a list of all The Best of, of which this not, or least not 'best' as in…

[kyandice]

CANDICE EDIT THIS UGLY SHIT WHEN U HAVE THE FUCKING TIME

this is an ugly unedited one it has been in my drafts for like 2 months already. so whatever i just posting it. ill edit it if i have the time. thins is is i actually edited half way and MY FUCKING COMPUTER FUCKING CRASHED SO I GAVE UP  and yeahhh ill just post this ugly unedited one and ill edit it again WITH PROPER ENGLISH WHEN I HAVE THE TIME. idk i just cqnt see stuff in my drafts i just havre to post it and yewah wtf.

this unedu=ited stuff is just me writing key poiunts about my day and not like urghhhhhhh i hate this commmmmm. normally i would describe more but i dont want it in my drafts anymore so ill edit it when im free OKAYYYY.

1/3 

Hahahahahah lmao this was the date when i got tgt with K 3 years ago.(omg i still rmb, but tbh its nth special i just rmb useless stuff pretty well)  Never wanted to date a guy again even i with crushes back in sec sch. but anyways, today i went to Sentosa w/ B and he seemed to really like the artificial fiels alot but it was like in the afternoon so it was still kinda hot and yeahhhh. Like it would be much nicer at night. There will be like alot of stars and fireworks too and it will be more windy and cooling idk but it will be nicer at night and i want to spend the night w/ B there again. Oh yeah anyways ystd B bought me the batgirl lego keychain and B told me that batgirl had sex with batman and im shoooked.

2/3 and like today we planned to go to his house anddd then go to parkway parade to some lego secret chambers shop. i went out early cuz my junior wanted to pass me her lego characs but she couldnt make it so i was alr at bishan so i just went to tpy and wait for bryan o wake and meet me so i called him at 11am but he woke up and shouted at me so i just like nvmmmm so i went to the library and went window shopping around tpy and i also went popular 1pm i didnt want to call him up but i was like ugh nvm and called him.. and yay he finaally woke up wna read tuesday with morrie, all the fifty shades of grey and in grey's pov n miss peregrine's home for peculiar children but we still went to parkway parade anyays and he asked me to watch letters from iwo jima so i watched it at night and bryan wanted to watch the breakup list on toggle but it kept playing ads and it just wouldnt play the video so b got alittle pissed 3/3 logan, training (our 8th movie)

4/3 finishing crocheting my first thinggg the bear thing shoud i give it to bryan would he want it so today b was vvvv kinda excited this video thing with ck and cez and im like vvv happy for him cuz he can do smthing he rlly likes with cool n funny ffriends. also he said that he didnt want us to go public at first cuz he was afraid that ppl might tease us he said he was afraid i might be ffrustrated but tbh i was hella frustaratred i dont see the point of hiding our rship but im glad werre like opene now and so at night i went to ikea and b messaged me but i was busyt walking and i didnt recieve his msg but i didnt like lock my phone so it was read. but like it was in my pockets and like my mom doesnt allow me to play my phine whenever im walking but yeah anyways b was angry hat i didnt reply him. we sorta quarreled awhile but we were kinda okay after that i guess. wtf sia today midnight i have to distribute stuff to the homeless ppl in bugis and i was wearing a short paanyts and my mom tied this weird looking scarf i swear i look like some carzy hobo youngster wtf.

5&6/3 sneaked out of house, slept over at his house and after that i went to tpy first while he showers, ate and went home early to pack for camp stuff wna stay over at his house again it was fun we tried to watch moanna but was kinda sleepy

7/3 day 1 of camp. slept with b outised tgt

8/3 day 2 of camp (-met javier and sihui -every camps i go i get very angry -shoulder, water balloon) larn cpr and aed the skit thing worst grp ever

9/3 day 3 of camp water activities we won

10/3 tkd training

11/3

-wtf nxt week go msia (wanted to go work) -quarreled with bteh. cuz i cant go out but he wants me to go out -yyour suffering defines you without it yore a void -japan and korea with bryan -my parents -i want more lego charac -money - i cant wait for tmr for ilighhtsss i want to take like alooot pictures tgt with bryannnn styled hair -nicole choo idk why im still so insecure like i know pretty clearly that im decent looking. decent looking enough to make friends, have a job and not get ostracised in society. and well if you arent good looking enough you'll be made fun off/ostracised in society and thats how humans work. and now everywhere you see are pretty girls and how can any girls feel not insecure. Okay, i have a flat and fat nose. i want to have a sharper and thinner nose like michelle. i have pretty small boobs and i want boobs like naomi. my shoulders are too wide from playing softball, i want a smaller width shoulders like grace. my tummy isnt flat i want a flat tummy. and thing is those are pretty famous girls in like sg and im not even talking abt kim kard or emma wats or like jennifer lawr. omg i dont even know where im going with this im just literally typing all my thoughts down. okay and the boys here???? they all follow those people and im pretty sure they compare them over the normal girls in sch. omg what am i even talking abt. i feel silly even typing this out. but okay if your beauty standards doesnt reach like the norm in society you srsly wouldnt have friends. unless youre realllll rich or your sense of humor is rlly rlly great.

12/3 didnt quarrel but we  were obv upset with each other it was a fun day tho when to see i lights took alot pictures ate llaollao no money

20/3 best s ever went home after it bteh gg aunts house today

his flight will be tmr 21/22 job interview got the job bryaan in flight abt cosplay how i dont have frinds

25/03 bryan found my private twitter accnt                                    bteh tole me abt a girl he liked when he was in korea idk if anyone realised but ive got a really really really bad habit. its weird really. but its a thing ive been doing since young and i never talked to anyone about it before. so actually, when im nervous, or stressed out, or just couldnt take my mind off smthing, i would like start peeling or plucking my nails. okay many people do this but, i ahve a weirder one andddd omg i think i will regret saying this. So actually, i pluck i my hair when im nervous, stressed out or just thinking abt smthing i cant ignore. so back in primary 4 i was doing this math practice paper and i couldnt do any those 6marks big problem sums and i was fking stressed out. and well my habit of plucking my own hair started really really young. and at P4 my mom saw me crying

26 toc competition firdst fight win second fight lose how i dont wna fight nationals cuz my weight cat all got national player lose my chance to win gold cant even get silver r came today

29/ power rangers

30 wanted to go coney island with rapheal and jill and bryan but it rained so we went to lan and gamed without jill bryan pushed me and i banged into someone in the end see museums some forest thing the ligths vvv pretyy

28/hotel

31/ hotel went to work after that talk about work made bryan that key chain clp diner and dance

1/4 learn bst bts for club crawl played boomberang didnt workkk aot is out!!!!!!

2/4 today i need to go mountbatten cc to practice my poomsae my poomsae lousy i dont think i can pass at first try anyways president of stf is milan quey idk if i spelt his name properly but yeah. before that ate yellow sub with B will nvr eat there again portion is small yet expensive and food isint so nice at all but since i get to eat with b im vvvv gladdd

3/4 today i went early to B's house. after that met up with madeline and shirlyn to watch boss baby and the movie was quite nice i thought i wouldnt like it and then we ate pepper lunch and omg osaka is a vvv small place like shirlyn went evrywhere i visited like a a year ago

4/4 AND I WOKE UP WITH BTEH lose his doibok and he couldnt find it my maid threathened to take a mail for my mom cuz she lazy walk and she wants me to do it but i was late

5/4 there was demo training we played table tennis for awhile and bteh is good at it, ok maybe its just that i suck at it but yea theres was fmo so we slacked at tg until demo tng started so at night he said hes tired but idk that he wanted to sleep soon and he was like stop it and i was like stop wat but he ttly just shut me off and then i got pissed cuz i would nvr do that to him

6/4 i had to meet herman but like after meeting him timetable i realised i forget to bring my wallet somethimes im torn in beteen like just not gg out with bteh cuz i have no money to eat or spend his money again he keeps saying its okay but its really not okay im just not comfortable like someone spending so much on me i owe money so he told me his specs broke ttly

One of the things dreams do for us is prepare us for worse case scenario. The dream that is closest to reality about a loved one leaving us prepares the mind for the pain that can be inflicted upon us. It creates a probability. That means it could happen, it means it’s a fear you have, and being such your mind protects your psyche in a way to allow you to feel the emotions of the event, even though the event never occurred.

13 reasons why felt like  th main charac like back in sec sch all i wanted was just to finish my olevels and go to poly so i can be a whole new person. someone who i wanted to be withouht anyone laughing at me

1au away from sol 1au measurement unit like light or smthing sol is latin from sun porbbaly it