#eddie thinks he’s solved the problem but it’s going to blow in his face later

[calyssmarviss]

Buck why r u like this.

[theyearoftheking]

Book Forty-One: Wizard and Glass

“His heart had been broken. And now, all these years later, it seemed to him that the most horrible fact of human existence was that broken hearts mended.” 

It was 1997 (you know, like 20 years ago) and I walked into my local bookshop (that would later employ me); and found this beautiful, pink, dreamy looking book on the new release shelf. Yes! Another Dark Tower book was released! I took Wizard and Glass on vacation to Maine with me, and my seventeen year-old, romantic self immediately fell in love with it. 

Like, hard, all consuming love.

 It still might be my favorite book in the series, even if I am a hardened old lady now. I’m more Rhea of the Coos than Susan  Delgado. Okay, maybe no... But this book is timeless. And I love the fact I still have my original copy of it... first edition, bitches!!!! As you can see, it’s well-loved and timeworn. But I love coming back to it. 

So, there was a six year gap between The Wastelands and Wizard and Glass. And the story picks right up where it left off: with Roland and the ka-tet stuck aboard the murderous Blaine the Mono. Blaine had challenged the ka-tet to a riddle-off; and if the ka-tet won, Blaine would not kill them. However, if they were unable to stump him, he’d continue on his suicide mission. 

Roland and Jake are busting out all their best riddles, but none of them are working. Finally, Eddie decides it’s his turn. He starts riddling some pretty awful puzzles (”Why do people go to bed?” “Because the bed won’t come to them!” “Why did the dead baby cross the road?” “Because it was stapled to the chicken!”). 

Eddie’s groan-worthy riddles melt Blaine’s mind; and the ka-tet lives to riddle another day. They emerge from the mono and find themselves in Kansas during The Stand times. They find a newspaper warning of Captain Trips; and graffiti telling them to, “Watch For The Walkin Dude!” and “All Hail the Crimson King!” 

But here’s where it gets all Dark Tower-y... it’s Kansas, and Captain Trips is a thing, but it’s an alternate version of Kansas. The baseball team is the Monarchs, the Takuro Spirit is a popular automobile, and Boing Boing Burgers is the fast food establishment of choice. Hmmm. 

So, the ka-tet picks up a new wheelchair for Susannah, and they take off turnpikin’. But there’s this strange sound... Susannah compares it to someone bending a saw back and forth. It’s a thinny. Roland has everyone tuck bullets in their ears, and continue on. But the thinny is getting to him... it reminds him of another thinny a lifetime ago. And that night when they sit around the campfire, he regales them with a story from his youth. 

Buckle up. This one is a doozy. 

So, after Roland was able to best his teacher Cort in a duel to prove his manhood, he promptly lost his virginity to a sex worker (as you do); and was then visited by his father. His father informs him that he knew all about his wife’s affair (you know, the one with his most trusted advisor... the one that caused Roland to duel in the first place). But he tells Roland he drew a shit-ton of attention to himself during his duel, and now he needs to get the hell out of Gilead, and lay low for a while. Maybe take some friends along? But not the goofy one. Spoiler: Roland totally takes the goofy one along.

So, he and his pals Alain and Cuthbert (the goofy one) set off for the Barony of Mejis where they’re going to pretend to work as inventory specialists for the Affiliation: they’re going to count every horse, fishing net, and other assorted good that could potentially be used in a war against John Farson. They’re working under assumed identities, and under the guise of boys from New Caanan who are being sent to Mejis as a form of punishment for some kind of boyhood shenanigans. 

Roland= William Dearborn

Alain= Richard Stockworth

Cuthbert= Arthur Heath

So, while the boys make themselves comfortable in the seaside and ranching town of Mejis; young Susan Delgado is off on a most torturous mission. Susan lives with her evil aunt, Cordelia, and since the death of her father, Pat, they have fallen on hard times. Cordelia has resorted to pimping Susan out for money. So, Susan is on her way to see Rhea of the Coos, the town witch to prove she’s “onnest”. Yeah... Rhea needs to feel her up, prove she’s still a virgin before she’s given to the Mayor Hart Thorin as his gilly: the girl he gets to knock up since his wife is old and barren. 

So, Rhea tears herself away from her magic, glowing pink ball (more on that later), feels Susan up, scrawls her symbol on a little strip of paper, and sends the girl on her way after hypnotizing her, and whispering something sinister in her ear. Susan all but runs from Rhea’s shack, and directly into Roland/William. 

Boom. 

Sparks.

Chemistry.

Instant love. 

But like all good lovers, they’re star crossed. Roland doesn’t understand it, he thinks they’re well met. But Susan knows she can’t mess up this gilly situation, so she tells him, “...if ye see me at Seafront- Mayor’s House- and if ye’d be my friend, see me there for the first time. As I’d see you.”

Susan is resolute in her words, but can’t help herself, and kisses Roland. 

Swoon.

Roland knows he’s got business to attend to, but he can’t get the pretty, blonde girl off his mind. So, he and the crew start introducing themselves around town, and are invited to a celebration at the mayor’s house. 

You already know. 

Roland and crew show up to Seafront, the mayor’s pad, and are introduced to all kinds of nefarious characters; including Eldred Jonas, one of the Big Coffin Hunters. The Big Coffin Hunters are nothing more than a group of guys with a blue coffin tattooed between their thumb and forefinger. 

Lame.

Of course Roland spots Susan, he finds out about her gilly situation, and during a dance he tells her, “I can be discreet, sai... As for propriety? I’m amazed you even know the word.” 

Sick burn!!! 

Later on that night, Roland is brooding about Susan (there’s a lot of brooding), while Alain and Cuthbert are out and about, and find the Big Coffin Hunters ganging up on Sheemie, a simple but sweetly loveable barkeep at the Travellers’ Rest Bar. There is a slingshot, and guns drawn, and the Big Coffin Hunters are pissed Roland and Crew ended up getting the jump on them. This causes some serious tension between the two crews. The Big Coffin Hunters get the idea that Roland and his crew are not the innocent boys they claim to be. Could they be... gunslingers? Nay! Too young... Or are they? 

Roland and Susan make up and make out (if you catch my drift); and The Big Coffin Hunters scheme. Reap Night is coming up, which is the big fall celebration in Mejis. They decide it might be fun to kill the mayor and Kimba Rimmer, his Chancellor and Minister of Inventory; and blame Roland and Crew for the murders. Bam! Immediate execution, problem solved. Oh, did I mention The Big Coffin Hunters are sneakily working for John Farson? Yeah, that’s a thing. 

Roland and Crew start noticing something is rotten in the state of Mejis... there are WAY too many horses. And oil tankers? Who needs oil tankers? And then their suspicions of support for Farson are confirmed when they find out Rhea has part of the Wizard’s Rainbow: thirteen glass balls, one for each of the Twelve Guardians of the Beam, and one that represents the nexus-point of the Beams. They’re basically magic balls that suck the user into it, and can show them things happening in the present, or the future. 

Rhea’s currently guarding the pink one, and it’s sucking the life out of her. She spends her entire day sitting and staring into it, learning about all the misdeeds of the people in Mejis. Including Susan and Roland. She even sends a cryptic note to an already suspicious Aunt Cordelia. Not good. 

So, the murders go down, and The Big Coffin Hunters leave a bird’s skull at the scene, which had been Cuthbert’s main accessory. So, Roland and Crew are arrested, Susan and Sheemie free them, and the mayor’s wife tries to get her out of town quickly. 

Meanwhile, Roland and Crew have a showdown with The Big Coffin Hunters, where Roland asks Eldred Jonas who his teacher had been. Was it Cort? Cort’s father? Jonas is rattled. But Roland and Crew kick some ass, kill The Big Coffin Hunters, blow up the oil rigs, and send most of the horses into the thinny. Deuces, Mejis! 

And... then Roland knows he’s faced with two choices: he can find Susan (currently pregnant with their baby) and live his happily ever after out in some shanty town, or he can metaphorically tip his hat to Susan, and continue on his journey for The Tower. 

Decisions, decisions...

I shouldn’t need to give you a spoiler alert. If you’ve read the other books in this series, you should know Roland is the ultimate Fuckboy: he’s heading out for that Tower. I couldn’t stop thinking of the Joni Mitchell song Case of You, “Go to him, stay with him if you can, but be prepared to bleed...”

Or in Susan’s case, burn. 

Oh, Joni Mitchell just gets me so damn good. 

So, before their untimely death, The Big Coffin Hunters had brought Rhea down from her house on the hill, telling her she needed to turn over the pink ball. She wouldn’t turn it over, but she would accompany them as its protector. In the meantime, she manages to bewitch the town, and convince them to burn Susan Delgado on reap night. Charyou tree... death for you, life for the crop... 

Susan dies on a burning pyre, screaming, “I love thee, Roland!”

Roland sees this all go down in the pink ball he steals from Eldred Jonas right before his death, and is an numb mess. He knew he and Susan were not fated to be together, but this wasn’t the end he had in mind. Honestly, not the end any of us had in mind. And every damn time I read this book, I wish it would end differently. Maybe Roland and Susan could have ended up together. Maybe baby would have made three on their search for the tower. Imagine the selfies they could have taken in front of the tower with Baby Suland. Suland: Susan and Roland... get it? Suland? Rolsan? Ok, maybe not. 

So, Roland wraps up the tale, and his crew is transfixed by the story. They ask all kinds of good follow-up questions, and keep turnpikin’. At one point, they find ruby red shoes for all of them, and end up in a strange Dark Tower/Wizard of Oz mash-up where they find the man behind the curtain is actually the Tick-Tock Man, who made it to Kansas (?) by some kind of underground network. He tries to kill them, they kill him, and then Marten appears. You know... the evil wizard. He tries to warn them off their journey towards the Beam, they refuse, and he sends them on their way with backpacks full of food. And this cute little note, “Next time I won’t leave. Renounce the Tower. This is your last warning. And have a great day!” RF

RF is of course Randall Flagg, who is the main baddie from The Stand. He wears a lot of hats, y’all. It must be a bitch keeping all his business cards straight.

So, the ka-tet continue on. The end. 

God damn, I love this book so much. It’s got it all: romance, suspense, gunfights, bad guys getting it in the end, and crossovers into the Constant Reader universe. So much good stuff. 

Total Wisconsin Mentions: 27

Total Dark Tower References: 38

Book Grade: A+

Rebecca’s Definitive Ranking of Stephen King Books

The Talisman: A+

Wizard and Glass: A+

Needful Things: A+

The Green Mile: A+

Rose Madder: A+

Misery: A+

Different Seasons: A+

It: A+

Four Past Midnight: A+

The Shining: A-

The Stand: A-

The Wastelands: A-

The Drawing of the Three: A-

Dolores Claiborne: A-

Nightmares in the Sky: B+

The Dark Half: B+

Skeleton Crew: B+

The Dead Zone: B+

Nightmares & Dreamscapes: B+

‘Salem’s Lot: B+

Carrie: B+

Creepshow: B+

Cycle of the Werewolf: B-

Danse Macabre: B-

The Running Man: C+

Thinner: C+

Dark Visions: C+

The Eyes of the Dragon: C+

The Long Walk: C+

The Gunslinger: C+

Pet Sematary: C+

Firestarter: C+

Rage: C

Desperation: C-

Insomnia: C-

Cujo: C-

Nightshift: C-

Gerald’s Game: D

Roadwork: D

Christine: D

The Tommyknockers: D-

Next is Bag of Bones, which I haven’t read since it’s initial release. Yep, I’ve got that first edition too, bitches!! I’m 100 pages in and have caught so many references that went over my head the first time I read it. It’s fun. Stay tuned for that review very soon. 

Until next time, Long Days & Pleasant Nights, Rebecca

[lfthinkerwrites]

A Riddle For a Bat, pt. 13

Title: A Riddle for a Bat

Fandom: Batman

Pairing: Riddlebat

Rating: T

Chapter Summary: Edward comes face to face with Rupert Thorne and begins to play the most dangerous game of all.

Previous Chapters: 1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12

AO3 Link

"You're sounding a lot better, Eddie. More like your old self. Guess Vreeland dragging you to that society thing yesterday was good for you after all."

Edward smiled as he cradled the phone between his right shoulder and ear. "I suppose it was." In more ways than one. Getting out into the world, even the glitzy high society world, seemed to do wonders for him. Seeing him again played a sizable role in that as well, even if he wasn't sure what to make of that encounter. "I feel alive again, that's for sure. I'm ready to get back to work."

"Good to hear. What about Batdick? You're sure you don't want me and Deirdre to hunt him down and kick his ass for you?"

"Nina dearest, even if you two could find him, you couldn't take him. I did witness him throw a man twice your size across a room. Besides, I'm over it." Well, that may not be completely true, but Edward had spent enough time moping about his office. It was time to begin the investigation again. Thorne had spent the last few weeks consolidating his power. He'd be feeling secure, confident, perhaps overly confident. Perhaps now that he had no rival, he'd finally make a mistake. Edward needed to put thoughts of Batman and what he'd learned about him behind for now. "Enough of that. Have you and Deirdre heard anything?"

"A lot of the old Falcone and Maroni guys joined up with Thorne's crew, at least the grunts did. Other than that, not much. Thorne's always been a tough nut to crack."

Edward leaned back in his office chair and groaned. "Tell me about it." A knock on his door drew his attention. "Nina, there's someone at the door, I have to go. Just keep your eyes and ears open. I'll be by later tonight."

"See you later tonight, Eddie." Edward hung up the cell phone and placed it down on his desk before getting out of his chair. He took a moment to smooth back his hair and adjust his purple vest before he crossed the room to open the door. He'd finally settled back into his morning grooming routine today. He needed to look his best for his clients.

He opened the door and saw an attractive, dark-haired young woman wearing a short red skirt and red suit jacket practically leaning against his doorway. Her almond shaped eyes looked him up and down and her lips upturned in a smirk. "Edward Nigma?" she asked.

"That would be me," Edward answered, trying to ignore how the woman seemed to be devouring him with her eyes. The most awkward part of the job by far. "How can I help you, Ms....?"

"Call me Candace," the woman said, extending her hand out to him. Edward gently took it and gave it a shake before he withdrew his hand.

"Very well Candace," Edward said. "How may I be of assistance to you today?"

"Actually, I'm here on behalf of my boss. He's heard quite a bit about you."

Edward arched an eyebrow. This certainly was unusual. "Does your employer have a name?"

"Rupert Thorne."

Instantly, Edward felt the room drop a few degrees. "Rupert...Thorne?" He had to be dreaming. That was it. There was no way this woman had just come in out of the blue to lead him directly to Rupert Thorne.

"The one and only," Candace smirked.

Edward wet his lip. If Thorne had found out about him and wanted him dead, he wouldn't be sending this woman to do it. It wouldn't hurt to play along. "And just what does the illustrious Rupert Thorne want me to assist him with?"

"You can ask him yourself," Candace gestured to the front door. "I have a car waiting to take you to him. Interested?"

For a long moment, Edward considered this. This would take him straight into Thorne's lair. Kristen would be worried. Nina and Deirdre would call him an idiot. He would be furious. But. But he'd been waiting for this opportunity for five years. When would it ever come again? "Give me just one moment." He walked to his hat rack to put on his flashiest jacket. He also grabbed the cane hung up on the hook next to it. After he put on his bowler hat he flashed Candace what he hoped was his most dazzling smile. "Lead the way."

Edward barely acknowledged Candace on the drive further in Gotham's downtown. He barely took in the sight of the stone building the car had stopped in front of or noticed the plush carpet of the hallway she and two men led him down. He barely heard the light conversation they made over the beating of his own heart. Finally, they stopped in front of a solid oak door. Candace at the front of the group opened it. "We're back, Rupe!" Edward followed Candace and the two men inside and he froze.

There was a man sitting behind a large desk. An older, overweight man with white hair, wearing a black business suit. He looked up when Candace called him and fixed the group with an oily smile. This was the man Edward had spent the last five years of his life working to bring down. This was Rupert Thorne. "Come in, come in!" he beckoned them into his office with a gesture of his palm. Edward wasn't aware that he was stepping forward until he was directly in front of Thorne's desk. Thorne looked up with a glint in his beady black eyes. "Ah, you must be the famous Edward Nigma," Thorne addressed him in a way that was almost charming. He reached his hand out to shake. "Pleased to meet you."

In one second, Edward could reach across the desk and strike Thorne. How often had he lain awake at night, wishing for that? If he'd come armed, he could have delivered a fatal blow to the man before Candace and his guards had time to react. He'd be killed but wouldn't it be worth it to make sure Thorne was put out of this city's misery for good? Edward plastered on a cool smile before he accepted the handshake. "The pleasure's all mine. It's not every day that I get to meet someone as distinguished as yourself." It made Edward almost cringe to be so subservient to the man, but appearances needed to be kept. He rubbed the head of his cane and surreptitiously pressed the record button on the underside of the cane's head. This entire conversation would be recorded. "Now, your very charming assistant said that you requested to meet with me."

Thorne dropped his hand and sat back in his plush red chair. "Yes," he said. "As I've said, I've read quite a lot about you Mr. Nigma. You've made a bit of a name for yourself solving seemingly impossible cases."

Edward made a show of shrugging. "Well, I don't mean to brag, but I am the cleverest men in this city. As well as the best dressed."

Thorne let out a deep laugh. "Well, you're certainly sure of yourself! I like that. To come to the point, I'm in need of your services."

A cold dread settled in Edward's gut. In need of his services...what could that possibly be? "Go on."

Thorne leaned forward then, steepling his fat fingers. "There's one great mystery that no one in this town's ever been able to solve, but I think you can. I'd like you to figure out who the man is behind Batman's mask."

Edward felt as if he was in a daze. Batman. Of all the men and all the things Thorne could ask him for, it had to be Batman. It made sense though. With Falcone and Maroni gone, the only person left to oppose Thorne was Batman. At least, that's what Thorne believed. There was another and he was standing right in front of the gangster's stupid face.

"Mr. Nigma?"

Edward slightly shook his head. "Batman's true identity," he pretended to muse. He rubbed his chin. "I have to admit, that's a question I've pondered myself for some time. To solve that would be quite the challenge."

"So are you interested?"

Edward looked down to study Thorne's expression. He looked right back up, his eyes almost boring into Edward's. He smiled. "Mr. Thorne, I am at your disposal."

Thorne smiled. A cold smile that wouldn't be out of place on a serial killer. In Edward's opinion, Thorne may as well be one. "Excellent! Now, about your fee-"

Edward abruptly raised his hand. "Forget it." He would be dead and buried before he ever accepted Thorne's blood money. The confused expression on Thorne's face however needed to be dealt with. "Beg your pardon, Mr. Thorne, but with something like this, the challenge is its own reward. We can discuss a fee after I deliver Batman's identity to you."

Thorne smiled again and Edward knew he had him. "Mr. Nigma, I think this could be the beginning of a great partnership."

Edward smiled himself. If the fool only knew.

The girls were, as Edward could have predicted, less than thrilled when Edward told them the news that night at Kristen's apartment. Kristen herself sat at her table, picking at the sleeves of her blouse. "Eddie," she said at last. "I'm sorry, but-"

"This is the stupidest damn idea you've ever had," Deirdre piped up from her seat on the couch next to Nina. "What happens if Thorne finds out you were in GCPD?"

"If he didn't figure it out before he had me brought to his office, he's not going to now," Edward said, pacing across Kristen's living room. "Besides, how better to collect evidence against Thorne than from his own mouth? If he trusts me, he may be candid about his actions the last few weeks."

"What about Batman though?" Nina asked. "I get that your pissed at him and I don't blame you, but are you seriously going to go along with trying to figure out who he is?"

"No," he admitted. "But Thorne doesn't need to know that. All I have to do is look busy and he won't have anything to complain about."

"For a few days, maybe," Kristen said. "Eddie, Thorne didn't get to be where he is by being an idiot. He's going to figure out that you're playing him eventually."

"Eventually," Edward said. He wasn't about to deny that Kristen had a point, but he was so close, how could he give up now? "But that's only a problem if I can't get evidence. And I will get evidence."

Kristen shook her head. "Eddie, I really think you should talk to-"

"He's the one that pushed me away, Kristen!" Edward shouted. He saw her flinch and instantly calmed himself down. He sighed. "I'll be alright. I promise."

The three women exchanged an uneasy look.

Tonight was the night, Bruce thought. He drove the Batmobile down Broad and turned onto Main. It was a quiet night on patrol tonight, as it had been for the past two weeks. The relative peace gave Bruce time to think about tonight, about what exactly he would say to Edward when he saw him. He'd apologize, of course. Offer to reform their partnership, if that was what Edward wanted. Bruce swallowed a bit. Tell Edward what he was beginning to feel for him. Everything else was up to Edward.

"Anything interesting going on out there?" Dick's voice rang through the Batmobile's communications.

Bruce leaned forward to press a button. "Nothing so far. Just a mugging and some vandalism."

"Wow. Maybe we should think of retiring. So, have you seen Eddie yet, or?"

Bruce arched an eyebrow. "No, not yet. And since when did you start calling him Eddie?"

Dick laughed. "Well, if we're going to be working together, might as well get comfortable, right? So I'm thinking we could have him be our intel guy. He's still got that informant network that could come in handy."

Bruce hadn't thought that far ahead, but the idea of Edward joining their team was appealing in more ways than one. "I think you're just saying that to get out of intel duty."

"You really are the World's Greatest Detective."

Bruce was about to say something when he caught a glimpse of light in the rearview mirror. He turned around slightly and bit back a curse. The Batsignal was on in the night sky. "I got to go, Dick. I'll check in in a bit." He made a sharp left turn and drove back towards GCPD.

When he arrived on the rooftop of GCPD, Gordon wasn't alone. Standing beside him, clutching her jacket close to her, was Kristen Kringle. Bruce's heart dropped. "What happened?"

Gordon gently put his hand on Kristen's shoulder. "Tell him what you told me."

Kristen took a step forward, her hazel eyes downcast, and said the two words Bruce feared the most. "It's Eddie." She bit her lip. "I think he's in real trouble."

Edward stretched his arms above his head and popped his back with a grunt. He'd just spent the last few hours reviewing the audio he'd taken at Thorne's office and backing it up to his computer. Nothing that directly connected him to the killings of course but it was a start. He'd be meeting Thorne back in his office the next morning at 9 on the dot. Hopefully, he'd slip up then. In the meantime, Edward would have to be careful just how he went about the business with Batman, how to avoid giving away what he knew. He sighed. More than anything, he wished the vigilante was with him now, that they were back to working this case together. He felt the cool wind against his back and he shivered a bit. Then he froze. The window to his fire escape was shut when he came back from Kristen's.

"Edward."

Edward jumped out of his chair and turned around. Batman was there, standing behind his desk. Edward felt almost every emotion competing for dominance in his mind. Elation, at seeing him again. Anger, for being abandoned by him. Confusion, desire...Edward furrowed his brow when he saw how tense the vigilante was, how his fists were clenched. He was angry. "Edward," he spoke again. "Just what in the Hell are you doing?"

Edward almost took a step back before his own ire was roused. Batman was angry at him? That was rich. "I see Kristen got word to you, somehow," he said, crossing his arms. He really should have expected that. "Nice to know that all I had to do to get your attention was to make tangible progress on the case."

"You're throwing yourself in danger, Edward!" Batman shouted at him. He really was angry. "What are you thinking!?"

"I'm thinking that this is the best shot I have at getting evidence against Thorne! O'Reilly's dead and I doubt either of us had any luck connecting him to Thorne!"

"That doesn't mean that you have to take risks like this!" Batman lowered his voice and the timber of it was very familiar to Edward. "Don't you think your life is more important than putting Thorne away?"

He sounded almost stricken and that made Edward's heart beat just a bit faster. He shook his head and stepped forward. "You told me that night when you found out about why I left GCPD that you understood me," he said. He closed the distance between the two of them and impulsively took a gloved hand into his own. "I think now I understand you. You think that you're trying to protect me. I suppose I appreciate the thought, even if the way you go about it is less than ideal. But you're so busy trying to prevent me from getting hurt that you seem to be forgetting that I survived for five years outside of GCPD with nothing but my own wits. You need to respect me as much as protect me."

"Edward-"

Edward held a hand up. "Let me finish. I want to work with you on this, more than anything. You said that you trusted me, and I believe you, but you need to prove it."

There was a long pause before Batman spoke. Soon enough, Batman moved his hands out of Edward's grasp and onto his shoulders. "Three days," he said finally. "I'll give you three days to do this. I'll be by every night to check in with you and at the first hint of any danger, I'm pulling you out. Understand?" Edward nodded. Batman sighed again. "I don't like this."

"It's not strictly speaking what I'd want either," Edward said. "But I can do it."

"I know you can," Batman said again. He dropped his hands and went back towards the open window. "I'll be back tomorrow. Be careful."

Edward nodded. "Thank you."

Batman hesitated as if there was something else he wanted to say, then he left, disappearing into the night.

[optimisticcritique]

Gotham 4x14 - Review 

Is this technically a review? Sometimes I wonder if I should call this “highlights” or “reactions” instead but I do share opinions and recap the ending so...kind of a review? I’ll stick with review I suppose. 

Wait, why are you burning the mask? Did the hallucination mean nothing to you?!

I know it is supposed to be a bit revolting but the way that guy is eating that pickle makes me want one.

You know, if you had chewed quietly with your mouth closed, she might have let you live. #tablemannerscansavelives

"It's all about family" says the person that hired people to murder her father... 

"Never said it was a happy family" relatable, unfortunately.

I don't blame Alfred for refusing. Bruce, you suck at apologies. Try actually saying the word “sorry” next time. 

At least Alfred is giving him the chance to show him that he changed. 

I was wondering why Ed hasn’t tried any pills by now. Dude, that cannot be safe. I hope you know what you are taking.

"cuckoo pills" lol just the way he says it.

"Who's it from?" That smug expression as he pretends to be oblivious. 

Whoa whoa whoa *pauses to look at the letter and holds up giant magnifying glass* If there is a clue in here... I have no idea what it is. That being said, this letter of apology is amazing. I hope Oswald actually means it and doesn’t say “haha just kidding. I only sent it so you would find the clue and break me out” later.

"I think that's a nice letter" Okay, this made me laugh too much. I love you, you conniving piece of-wow, now I can’t get the riddler playing match maker out of my head. 

The Riddler:  "It's a nice letter...you should hear him out...possibly rescue him since you will already be there...cause some murder together while you are at it....maybe grab some dinner afterward...." 

I just picture him pushing even further, “Remember the good times you shared? Nursing him back to health, murdering mister Leonard, being his chief of staff, hallucinating him singing to you seductively...” “I was not-those were-UGH”

"I'm never going to forgive him" never say never Ed. You are destined villain soul mates apparently.

 "What has eyes but can't see?"  I think you are having way too much fun. Also, I don't know the exact answer but I am betting it has to do with not seeing the bigger picture with the letter or the origami penguin message.

Jim, you totally interrupted Lucius. He was on a role! I know you are worried about your boyfriend Harvey being dead with plants bursting from his body but let's look at priorities here. Harvey has decent sized plot armor and Foxy probably won't get much screen time in this episode, let him finish a sentence.       

"Too late" "No, we're not" He knows him so well. He just looks dead. It's how he sleeps. 

Speaking of which, look at how sprawled he is on that couch....when there is a bed inches away from him. Like, honestly, I know he is probably hung over/drunk but that's not a bad way to sleep. 

Harvey: *sees a squad of police that burst into the apartment* *thinks about what is most important* "Hey, someone's paying for that door!" 

"You can't put this on me!" "I'm not putting it on you!" Oh, grade A bickering right there... 

I guess you aren't a real villain until you end up on TV. How do the villains end up with this kind of connection? 

"...once I find my pants" At least you noticed before you started walking down the street. That's progress. 

The Narrows stealth squad is on the case!

"A complete set of encyclopedias...minus the T" *silence* "plus twenty bucks"  *cheers and runs out* 

Lol Ed. Yeah, don't blame them. Let's face it though, the main reason they weren't excited was because the T was gone. If it isn't complete, what is the point? 

I have so many thoughts from this short scene. 

First...what happened to the T? Was it stolen? Who stole it? Why did they want it?  

Second... Pretty certain the reason he chose encyclopedias was because that is what HE loved and wanted as a kid. That was little Eddie's dream right there. Ugh give us more on Ed’s childhood already!

Third... Ed does well with kids! I want an Ed/Martin scene. I want him to give him encyclopedias, teach him riddles, play video games together, etc. as Oswald wears matching outfits with Martin and teaches Martin how to murder. Give it to me, Gotham!

"You couldn't even stop her from hypnotizing your own cops" fair point. Selina would have better luck. 

Yes! I am so happy to see Selina say she is her friend. I love when the show focuses on these relationships and does not forget them.

Should have noticed something was fishy when Harvey actually did call, saying he got a lead. You know he would try to do this on his own.

Hit him Jim! Hit him like you did Lucius! ...Does Harvey have any hidden fighting/defense skills that we know nothing about too? 

"Cognitive impairment. Definite check. Though, to be fair, how would you know?" The super extra hand gestures are always a delight. 

Scenes like these make me laugh more than it should. It's like Ed doesn't need anyone else to make fun of him or insult his intelligence. He already has this covered....actually... this is also quite sad. As it is basically him belittling and making fun of himself...wow, I just totally ruined the moment for myself. 

"The only way to get rid of me is to kill yourself" Oh no...no...I thought this might come up as a possibility but I just assumed the show wouldn't go down this way. Such angst...I mean, I like the angst and it makes sense but...it is so real. 

I am kind of surprised that the "you shot my father" revenge decided to come into play now and not sooner. I guess she is more powerful and ruthless now but she had somewhat perfume power last season. 

"I'm sure whatever happened was your fault" Well, she isn't wrong.   

"So technically, your ex has been sleeping with your dead husband's mafia sister" lol well, when you put it like that, Ed... And this is what people who are not watching the show are missing. 

Imagine if Ed actually did tell Lee what has been happening, his issues and all. Would it make things better? Worse? He should really talk to someone about his problems before going suicidal.

I never noticed how great Harvey's hair was...he wears the hat so much that I forget he has hair under there, let alone how long it is.

"I've only got myself to blame" ...okay, Jim. This is the part where you say, "No, don't blame yourself. I screwed up too." Harvey did make some bad choices but you shouldn't let him take ALL the blame, even if you think it is true.  

"He's been everything to me...a teacher, a protector, he's been a father to me" That’s pretty ambiguous. Who are you talking about? Alfred? Jim? Your pet bird? I mean, he said he hoped he would give him another chance but didn't actually name names...

Crowd: "Yeah...but what about the foundation? What does this man taking care of you have to do with money? Where did the money go?"

 Come on, Bruce! Don't give up so easily. You are supposed to be more stubborn than this. 

This got dark fast. I know he won't kill himself but man...

He's going to try to get him to go to arkham so he can meet Ozzie, isn't he?  

Those flowers are rather lovely...although, I would prefer ones that didn't cause mass murder as they grow within the bodies of those that breath them, thanks. 

Yeah, you get them, Bruce! "This is who you are." Yes, thank you Alfred. Embrace it, Bruce. Embrace it! Honestly, it wasn’t that long ago when Alfred told him not to do stuff like this. Time really flies. 

Geez Jim, why can’t you be more careful when you shoot guns. 

If only he knew who he was chasing. Maybe he would use his time so much better if he was looking for Ivy instead. 

Get used to the disappearing, Jim.

It seems Bruce isn't the only one that will wait and creep in the darkness to get a drop on you. 

"Well, Selina Kyle turns out to be the hero" "I'm no hero" Maybe not but you are not as bad when compared to most criminals in the city. 

"I wasn't running. I was getting this. "  Thinking with her smarts there.

Selina, you are doing great. This is the stuff I love to see. 

Well, at least she got through to her enough to not murder her or turn her into a human plant incubator. Progress. 

Imagine if Ed was there with Lee. Wonder if they would have tried to shoot him dead too... 

What is with Gotham and their hand fetish?

You know, I have seen hands get cut off and stabbed every which way in this show but the hammer...the hammer is the one that gave me sympathy pains and had me cringing. Poor Lee, it sounded painful. 

Oh, Sofia, you are going to wish you didn't do that. You would have been better off if you had Lee as an ally. 

"Arkham doesn't get many volunteers" Can't imagine why. 

"You do know who I am, right?" It's like a famous person trying to get into a party. Except, I don't think this is a party Ed would want to get into. 

Wow, Oswald with his tears of happiness. He looks so proud and excited that his love letter was answered. 

Why does Oswald look totally insane in this scene? How long ago did he send the letter? I mean, he was miserable but he wasn’t quite like this.

Oswald: *is all excited, proud, and emotional* “He read my letter!”  This seems like the same reaction someone would have if a famous person liked or responded to their tweet/email/fanart. 

“I’m not talking to you Ed” Dang, first Ed was the third wheel in 4x12 with Lee/Jim and now here he is again with Oswald/Riddler. 

"I'm talking to him..." wait...so he knew about the riddler being...okay, I admit, I did not see this coming. At all. 

Ed looking back like, "You can see him too?" Honestly, he seems like he assumed Oswald knew nothing about what was going on so I can see why he might think that. Imagine how weird would it be if Oswald could see him. Like, it is not plausible but it would blow fans minds. 

"I see the other you" Hmm...just last episode you said I know you and now this. I feel like this needs to be added to an analysis somewhere.

The way Oswald lets go... he's trying not to be too rough. He has made similar movements with Ed before.

Earned it? Through what? Solving your clues and willing to break you out? Even when Oswald has to say the name he still has to be this way, giving an excuse like that. 

I really want to know how much Oswald actually understands. I don’t think he realizes how serious this is for Ed but it is all very unclear on what he does know. Great...this is going to bother me for at least a week now. 

"Please....don't...." Well, this makes me sad. I don't know how to feel about this. I hate seeing ed like this. 

"I need you....” *whispers* "riddler" Wow, okay. Thanks for this. That was more tender and sexual than intended. 

The Riddler needed to be Oswald-approved with his kink before he could show up.

Then caressing his hand against his cheek...totally a normal thing to do with an ex-best friend and co-conspirator. This scene is confusing my emotions. 

Ooh those laughs. They look so happy. The Riddler is coming! ...and with the Penguin! Nygmobbleplot begins. 

This Alfred and Bruce scene is so touching.  

"I'm home" yes, you are <3 Let's face it, the mansion is better than any place you were living any way. Cheaper, better food, more space, less getting framed for murder... 

You better specify when you knew that she hired the Pyg, Jim. Don't want him to think you knew too early. 

You decided to take her down now? It really should have been when you found out that she murdered her father but better late than never I guess. 

I am curious how long Sofia will last. Granted, she has quite a few people on her side...but she also has many enemies. I can't see it ending well. Better book a vacation and get out while you still can, girl.  

Over all: I enjoyed the episode a lot. It did bring some confusion on the Ed situation but I enjoyed it nonetheless. It is just kind of sad that it seems Ed/Riddler still is not “whole” yet. That being said, I need to see more before I make too many assumptions. I am interested in where it goes and excited to see what happen next. I am also happy to see Bruce changing his ways once again and seeing reunions all around. This should be fun now that everyone is back together again. Bruce and Alfred make up, Bruce accepts that he ready to save people again. Ivy and Selina have a confrontation where Selina tries to appeal to her friend, Ivy still flees. Harvey and Jim make up, plan to take down Sofia as Jim shares the truth with Harvey. Sofia crushes Lee’s hand that sends her to the hospital, essentially takes the Narrows more under her control. Ed deals with his riddler issues and ends up visiting arkham. The riddler has returned, teams up with Penguin, and is going to break him out of arkham.   

Previous review: 4x13   Next: 4x15

[gaspbrat]

Tiny Revolutions

Hey!! My first reddie fic//series!!

Summary: Sonia Kaspbrak raised a wonderful, loving son that was always docile, respectful and receptive son. That was until he finally found a conscience of his own in the form of a tall neglected boy he considered a complete pain in his ass.

warnings: devils lettuce and thats it… they're like 17/18 lol

Wc: 2317

(this is just like an intro for everything else to come pretty much,, i hope its okay! :) )

1 》

Six weeks into the summer before senior year, little Eddie Kaspbrak popped out of his bubble for the second time in his life. His mother was suffocating him with questions and expectations and something in his little Eddie-bear mind snapped. He finally decided it was time to do something that was long overdue.

Twelve years overdue.

He screamed some final obscene thing through the doorway as he slammed it with enough force to rattle the panes around it. A small part of him wished they had just broken right then and there but he was glad they didn’t. It would be hazardous for his mom to pick up. He stopped.

There he was thinking about safety, of all fucking things. Things that she shoved down his throat.

He put on his hood before shoving his hands into the dark maroon hoodie he was swimming in. He jumped down the steps in front of his house to his bike that was propped at the curb ready to help him escape. Only Eddie didn’t know where to yet. He just knew he wanted to forget.

He needed to forget and relax as soon as possible, as quickly as possible.

There was only one person he knew other than Beverly that could solve his problem. So he pedaled as fast as he could to the Tozier residence.

About a quarter block away from the house Eddie already smelled that sour skunky smell he recognized so well now. He found the source minutes later, sitting in his window sill one chuck swinging in the wind while he took drags off of a spliff. It would have been a great picture, had he not been in only his chucks and dark blue boxers.

Nah, it’d still be a good picture, He corrected himself.

“Oh, Hey Eds! My favorite piece of ass!” Richie shouted down at his visitor with his hands outstretched in welcome, a huge cheesy grin on his face.

Eddie immediately got flustered and checked around to see if anybody could hear this dumbass screaming.

“Would you shut up and let me in already?”

“Yea, just a sec.” He took the last drag off his spliff before flicking it into the yard and moving back into his room to unlock his front door.

Eddie rounded the house to find Richie with- what hell is that? A toothpick?

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” The lanky, still shirtless Richie asked him, grinning.

Eddie’s smile faltered.

“About that um,” he twisted his sleeves together.

“Can we use your bong?” Eddie asked, barely saying the last word.

“My what?!” Richie shouted disbelief but also he just wanted to make him as flustered as possible.

“Bong! I said bong, you fuckin’ heard me asshole.” he said as he just shoved an amused Richie back into the house.

About twelve minutes later they were onto their second bowl of the evening. Richie had stuffed a sheet under the door and covered his vent to make the perfect hotbox while Eddie scanned Richie’s shelf for his favorite mix tape. When everything was ready they finally settled into the makeshift seat on the window, leaving enough room so they could watch the upcoming sunset together with Richie’s bong sitting between them.

“Thanks,” Eddie hissed as he sucked air in after his hit before exhaling fully.

“I really needed this.” he admitted, passing Richie the piece.

“Any time, don’t mention it.” he spoke almost into the neck as he lit the bowl.

“My moms being such a fuckin’ pain and I just couldn’t take anymore of her bullshit.” Eddie said as he excused himself to get some snacks out of his very full backpack in the corner.

Richie expected there to be clothes for probably more than one night shoved in there under all his munchie foods. He knew this refugee situation far too well.

“Okay, so my plan is,” Eddie said around an oreo with his hands in the air as he sat back down with the pack of cookies.

Richie was focusing on him intently, waiting for Eddie to finish.

“To not come home for a mon-“

“I’m in.” he said.

Eddie shook his head in disbelief.

“What?”

“Do you not remember that month and a half I practically lived at your house?”

Eddie was instantly reminded of the time Richie had climbed through his window at four in the fucking morning with three bruises and a black eye. His father and him had gotten in a fight that night but it always ended the same, he realized.

Pushing led to shoving and shoving led to Richie seeking refuge in the quiet kaspbrak house with his head resting in Eddie’s lap. He remembered combing his hair, singing to him softly and drowsily.

They ended up waking up like that, too.

Richie had been thinking about that exact night when he realized he finally could repay Eddie for all those times he had woken him in the middle of the night with his ongoing list of personal problems.

“You can spend the rest of the summer with me Spagheds, don’t you worry bout a thing.” he slung an arm around him as the smaller boy leaned into his side.

“Thanks Richie.”

In that moment, Eddie decided he would fight his overprotective mommy by just blatantly blowing her off for the duration of the summer, spending that time next to the person she probably despised the most out of his friends. No calls. No worries. No pressure.

And that’s also how he ended up spending his last Derry high school summer in the arms of his very best friend as much as the other would allow it; which was constantly.

But they weren’t dating.

Even if they spent their time together twenty-four-seven, they were not dating.

At least Richie couldn’t say they were dating, they hadn’t even really kissed yet. Well not since that time they played seven seconds in heaven when they were 14 but that didn’t really count.

He was going to take this miracle of a month to find out exactly what this was. Even if that meant harboring his friend in his empty house while he silently rebelled against his own mother. He would be there for him, always. Whether or not Eddie liked him in that way or not.

The following week Richie helped push the wardrobe in front of Eddie’s door when Sonia finally found that skeleton key he thought Eddie broke last Sunday.

Eddie snapped that thing years ago, however.

She just had copies. So many copies.

Even with that wardrobe in front of the door Eddie knew she would still somehow manage to get in.

It’s because they’re both the same size, Eds.

He would punch Richie for that later.

Anyways, Eddie would only use his room that month sparingly for the sake of his own hygiene because he was for damn sure not going to shower at Richie’s. So just  like every other night before his mom came home from errands, Eddie was in the shower rinsing out his hair. The shampoo he bought smelled like honey and always relaxed him somehow. That was until he heard the sound of a car pulling into the driveway. Eddie froze.

Fuck, oh fucking, fuck..

He had exactly ninety-six seconds,(he used to count time when he was younger, always staring at his watch) until she would be at his door.

Fifteen minutes later he was at the base of the tree outside of Richie’s window with his hair still wet wearing some gym shorts and a hoodie he found. He threw rocks at the window like he had heard countless nights but he guessed someone wasn’t able to hear him. He sighed dejectedly as he prepared to scale the tree.

What if he’s not even here? He thought as he struggled from one branch to the next, wondering how Richie did this all the time. Then he remembered that Richie was a full seven inches taller than him still since Eddie had only grown like two inches after eighth grade.

“Ah, fucking, shit. Come on.” he huffed as the bark from the tree started to leave scrapes on his knees. Shorts had probably not been the best option for this but he had been in a hurry, okay?

About three feet away in his room, Richie was listening to some mixtape of his on his walkman while he was sprawled across his bed elbow deep in a family sized bag of cheetos oblivious to the boy who was quite literally wrestling the tree outside.

Then he heard a muffled grunt in the silence between songs and tore off his headphones.

What the fu-

“Richie!”

Surprise, surprise.

“Richie! I know you’re there, get the fuck out here and help me!!”

“Uh, sorry! Nobody’s home, please leave a message after the beep. Beep!” he yelled from his comfortable position on his bed, crunching on more cheetos.

“BEEP FUCKING BEEP, RICHIE I AM GOING TO PIERCE ..AN… ORGAN!” he screamed.

Fingers crossed.

Beyond amused he got off of his bed and opened the window to find Eddie hugging the trunk of the tree, hair strewn all about with leaves stuck to it, wearing shorts. In a tree. Shorts. He didn’t even have to look at his bare knees to see the bark burn on them.

“Jesus, Eds, you ever climb a tree before?” he teased him as he stood behind the window, laughing hysterically.

“Shut up.” Eddie was trying to focus on balancing on the last branch that reached his window when he started to lose his footing near the end of the branch and had to helicopter his arms.

“Oh shit oh fuck!”

Richie watched Eddie grab the window sill seconds before he would have likely fallen to the branch not even a foot below.

Eddie was kind of dramatic like that.

“Sorry, can’t help yo-” he started to say with his back to the window but was interrupted by Eddie clamoring in through the window quickly and collapsing on the floor with a loud thud.

Richie wasn’t sure how but Eddie had gotten so many cuts and scratches from climbing just now he really did wonder if he had ever climbed one before.

“Fuck, oh my GOD, I almost died.” Eddie wheezed.

“No you didn’t.” he chuckled.

Richie stepped over to Eddie and pulled the smaller, now damaged boy up to him by his backpack; brushing him off slightly.

“Look at me! Look at all these scrapes!” he gestured to his legs and hands.

“That’s what you get for wearing those tiny shorts.” Richie said as he tugged at the hem of the shorts. Eddie took off his backpack and set it next to the bedpost, rolling his eyes.

“Shut up asshat, if you hadn’t been blasting that garbage you might have actually heard the rocks I threw and I wouldn’t be all scraped the fuck up! That tree’s probably filthy, too.” Eddie spat back with a grimace as he shoved past Richie and sat on the edge of his bed, opening his fanny pack to dress his “wounds".

Richie smirked as he sat next to him, thigh to thigh, to watch the little hypochondriac carefully clean and cover his maybe two layer deep scrapes with his tongue poking out from his lips in concentration.

“Why were you in such a hurry anyway?” Richie asked as he ruffled his wet hair before wiping his now damp hand on his own pants.

“My mom came home earlier than I thought so I had to get out so fucking quick.” he said not taking his eyes off of his knees.

“Okay,” Eddie stood up finally, taking his now slightly dirty hoodie and throwing it onto his backpack next to the bed. “You owe me for all this shit anyway so let’s go-”

Eddie was halted by Richie’s finger over his mouth,

“Eds, I know you’re excited to see me, your shorts shrunk about a size,”

Eddie rolled his eyes in complete annoyance with Richie’s finger still on his lips.

“But listen,” Richie placed a hand on Eddie’s shoulder, “If we’re gonna do this whole, rebel with a cause thing, you’re gonna need some new clothes. You still look like you give too much of a shit.” Richie pointed at Eddie who had taken off his hoodie and was standing before him in a salmon polo.

“What do you mean?” he seemed mildly offended.

Richie spun Eddie around so they could see the contrast between them in the mirrors.

From head to toe Richie looked like any parent’s walking nightmare. Classic chucks, tie dye socks that disappeared under his cuffed black jeans with complimentary tears in the knees of course. Eddie hadn’t noticed before but his white t shirt had a pocket that said “false” in light blue letters that matched the blue in his socks. To finish the delinquent look he usually had his trusty fleece lined light blue jean jacket that was carefully adorned with pins and patches Richie had collected or received over the years.

Eddie made sure to keep note of this since Christmas was coming up anyway.

“Yea, I do look kinda like a preppy clean boy compared to you.” he shrugged with a smirk after a short while. His mom had bought him almost everything he wore. She pressured him to wear dull colors and refused to buy him anything darker than maroon unless it was for a funeral. He looked like a doormat, he had to admit.

“and we want a RAD DIRTY boy!” Richie pointed a finger gun at mirror Eddie, winking. “We’re going thrifting, Eds.”

“O-okay. Yea.” he was hesitant but nodded nervously.

“We need a before and after though.” Richie pulled out the .35mm camera he stole from Mike a couple weeks back. He was so thankful he hasn’t asked for it back yet. Especially now that he finally has something worth wasting film for. Sunsets just weren’t cutting it by themselves.

He slung his arm around Eddie and held the camera sight up to his eye. Eddie quickly fixed his hair with his comb while he tried to hide the pure joy on his face being this close to the trashmouth. The camera, however, would probably damn him for sure.

[duke-nitro]

Mercury Falling AU: Part 7: #%@$!

(Also on ao3!)

Thad is 100% sure he's going to ace this essay on the French Revolution. That doesn't stop him from reading and re-reading it the entire bus ride to school, though.

After he's re-read it around 50 times, he takes a quick look around the bus and he sees Bart sitting next to Carol and Preston in the row opposite, trying to write his essay as fast as he can without tearing the paper or setting on fire. It is, at best, barely legible. He goes back to reviewing his essay.

When the bus reaches the school Thad makes sure he's the first one off the bus and first inside, which he does every day, so that he can minimize the amount of people he has to be in close proximity with. Hell, the only people he really talks to are teachers and the theater club, and that's just because he has to.

He gets to the classroom before the teacher is even ready and sits down, ready to blow everyone away with his essay.

For the last few weeks Max hasn't successfully meditated even once. He's "fallen asleep" every time he's tried. This sudden narcolepsy is rather worrying considering last month's medical crisis, but Max doesn't mention it in hopes that it will just pass. Well, that and he doesn't want to stress everybody out, especially not when everything is finally starting to calm down.

But today, Bart and Thad have just left for school and Helen is going to be at work all day, so Max is going to take the opportunity to try and meditate non-stop, and if he falls asleep he'll try again when he wakes up.

He realizes that this is probably a very bad idea, but he figures that if he manages to succeed just once, he can figure out and solve the problem before anyone else notices.

"Class, I hope you remembered to do your essa-" Thad stands up so suddenly his chair just about falls over, but a super-quick move prevents that embarrassment. He walks over to the front of the class just a little too fast to be normal.

The teacher looks at him quizzically and says "As I was about to say, I hope you did your essays, but if you haven't finished them yet, you can either finish them or review them to make sure you're actually done with them during recess."

Thad decides take this opportunity to reread his essay few more dozen times, just to make sure it's perfect. Around his tenth readthrough, he feels someone lean over his shoulder. His immediate instinct is to stab whoever just dared to violate his personal space. However, he doesn't have anything sharp within arms reach, so he decides to punch them instead.

Then he hears "So, did you finish this shitty assignment?"

Suddenly, all the fury in him disappears. Now, the only thing on his mind is a burning question, and after momentarily wrestling with himself, he turns to the boy with the eyepatch and asks:

"What does that word mean?"

Eyepatch Boy gives him a confused look and responds "Which word?"

"Shitty", Thad replies matter-of-factly.

"S-seriously?"

"Yes."

"Do you know any swears?"

Thad, starting to get more than a bit frustrated that he's not just saying what it means and wasting his time, snaps "Just tell me what it means already!"

Eyepatch Boy jumps a little at the outburst and says "Jeez, give me a minute!" and takes a moment to close his eyes and think. During that moment, Thad almost decides to take a millisecond to go get a dictionary, but Max and Helen do keep telling him to socialize more, and, not wanting to disappoint them, chooses to wait.

Eyepatch Boy snaps his eyes open and looks at Thad with a gleam in his eye that, if he could read people to any degree, Thad would recognize as pure mischief.

"Alright," Eyepatch Boy says confidently as he plops onto the bench next to Thad, "so there's shit, damn, ass, bitch, to name a few."

Thad gets lost in thought for a moment, silently berating himself for not knowing such simple-sounding words. Then he is consumed by need to learn, to fill in any cracks in his (vast, if you were to ask him) intellect, so that he can protect his ego from those embarrassing situations where he misses key words and responds to what he thinks they said.

Thad asks "Why did you call them swears?”

A vaguely malicious grin creeps across the other boy's face as he says "Because people swear by them, duh!"

Thad makes a mental note to drop his body into a whirlpool if he talks down to him liked that again.

Eyepatch Boy continues "You haven't heard them because they're fancy words, used only by the most distinguished people. Hell, most people have never even heard the words said out loud!"

At this point, Thad is starting to get suspicious, but he figures that of he was being lied to Craydl would start vibrating his watch at a frequency that signals "liar". Unfortunately for him, he grabbed the wrong one. The watch was made while he was impersonating Bart, and it was modelled to look exactly like Bart's, so that no one would ask where the new watch came from.

Meanwhile, Bart is starting to think his watch is broken. It's really hard to write an essay while your arm is about to get shaken off, so he puts it in his backpack.

"Alright class, step up and read your essays."

Thad doesn't need the prompt. In fact, he never even bothered to sit down.

He takes his place next to the desk and scans the room, looking at all the people whose lives he's sure he's going change with his essay.

He notices Eddie, who had introduced himself after helping Thad with all the different ways the words can be used. Eddie gives him a thumbs up.

Thad grins, clears his throat, does a short vocal exercise, takes a deep breath, and starts reading his rewritten essay.

The ringing of a phone startles Max from his meditation. He sighs and moves to pick up the phone, ready to tell yet another salesperson that he doesn't want what they're selling. He should really get around to asking the phone company to fix the caller ID.

He grabs the phone, but the caller starts talking before he can make a sound.

"Hello? Is this Maxwell Crandall?"

The voice on the other end of the line isn't a salesperson, surprisingly. It's a voice Max has unfortunately heard far too much of in the last year.

The school's principal, Edith Crimbleton.

He steels himself and says "Hello, Edith. What did Bart do this time?"

"It wasn't Bartholomew this time. It was your other child, Thaddeus."

Max facepalms and responds, somehow sounding more tired then when he was sick, "What happened?""

"Thaddeus started... started... spewing such horrible vulgarities!"

Max is startled by the sudden outburst. He's never heard her get this loud, not even after that time Bart accidentally lit his desk on fire.

He opens his mouth to speak, but Edith doesn't give him the chance.

"Then he committed pugilistic actions against his fellow classmates!"

Max bites back a curse. He just knows he'll never hear the end of this at the next PTA meeting.

"I'll be there as quick as I can."

When he gets there, the first thing he does is have a superspeed talk with Bart, who is trying to set his broken nose so that it doesn't heal weird.

"'kay, so Thad was reading his essay, right? And there was so much cursing! Like, every fourth word was a swear!"

Max's face contorts into the visual equivalent of an exasperated groan. He already doesn't know how he's going to talk Edith out of expelling Thad, and he hasn't even headed the whole story.

Bart continues "And everybody's laughing, 'cause it was hilarious. But Thad just looked pissed."

"Language, Bart."

"Whatever. Like I was saying, Thad looked angrier than I've ever seen him. Like, he was so red I thought he was gonna explode!", Bart says while fanning his arms out in an attempt to mime an explosion.

"Then he ran over and started whaling on Evil Eye!"

"That kid with the eyepatch?"

"Yeah. So I went over to pull him off, and he kicked me in the grifein' face!"

"Bart. Just because Thad was swearing doesn't mean you can."

Bart looks a lot more hurt by that than Max would have expected, but Bart continues recapping anyways.

"After that everything's kind of a blur. Thad stopped when the teacher yelled at him."

There is a moment of awkward silence after Bart trails off. Max gives him a hand motion that says "go on".

"Oh!" Bart exclaims. "That's it."

Max pinches the bridge of his nose and steels himself for the difficult talk ahead of him.

Forty-five minutes of intense negotiating later, Max finally manages to convince Edith to not outright expel Thad.

Thad does get a month's worth of detention, effective immediately.

Max decides to give him the "Don't try to beat the life out of your classmates" talk when he gets home.

Thad has never felt so ashamed. He should have known he was being tricked!

He looks around the detention hall and sees his deceiver, Evil Eye. Thad can see a black eye peeking out from under his eyepatch.

He wishes no one had stopped him from getting his vengeance.

Half an hour later, the teacher steps out for a moment and Thad hears a chair quickly move and quick footsteps coming towards him. He grips his pencil tight, ready to stab him if the first words out of his mouth aren't begging for an apology.

A hand slams down on his desk as Eddie loudly proclaims "I realize what I did was wrong, and I apologize." he extends his other hand and adds "Friends?", far too cheerily for Thad's taste.

Thad looks at his hand, then looks him dead in the eye and deadpans "You just want me to be your dumb muscle, don't you."

Eddie scoffs and says "What? No, of course not!"

Thad levels him with a glare that could peel paint. Eddie is completely unaffected by it, but he spills the beans the moment Thad starts to stand up.

"Okay, fine, you got me! But can you blame me? You have the quickest hands this side of Central City!"

Thad settles back down in his chair and retorts "I can and I will blame you, and if you try to trick me again you will regret it."

The threat, much like the glare, doesn't affect Eddie much. In fact, it doesn't even make Eddie miss a beat, as he immediately responds "Okay, okay, I get it, you're still mad."

An understatement, Thad thinks.

"But... I know a very good way to work it off."

Once it becomes clear that he won't say what it is until Thad responds, Thad sighs and begrudgingly says "Fine, I'll bite. What is it?"

"Do you wanna torch Herbie Hawke's car?"

Thad runs the name through his memory to see if he knows it. He doesn't. And, against his better judgement, he asks "Who?"

Eddie looks incredulous as he says "You don't know Herbie Hawke? The guy whose been campaigning for mayor since the last election? Two years ago?"

Now Thad knows he's being lied to. And he decides to voice that opinion.

"I'm insulted that you think I'm stupid enough to fall for that."

Eddie freezes, like he can't believe what he just heard. He then takes a single step to the side at points at the huge billboard across the street that has an image of a very pasty man on of and reads "HERBIE HAWKE FOR MAYOR".

Thad's not entirely sure if it's legal to put a political ad right next to a school.

In an attempt to hide his shame, Thad asks "And why should we?" in the most condescending tone he can manage.

'C'mon dude, just look at the guy!"

Thad glares at Eddie before taking a closer look at the billboard. There's not much to it, Thad thinks, just your average middle-aged, doughy, balding politician with an empty smile. What little hair he has left is brown, but it's only still that color due to the worst dye-job Thad has ever seen.

Then he looks into his eyes and a shiver runs down his spine. There is not a single drop of emotion behind them, the kind of eyes Thad could imagine on a serpent, one ready to strike the moment you turn your back on it.

While Thad is looking at the ad, Eddie begins to recite the laundry list of things that should bar Herbie from campaigning.

The list contains, but is not limited to: Drugrunning, blackmail, embezzling, attempting to rig an election, and at least one suspected murder.

Thad scrunches his nose up and asks "How do you know all that?"

Eddie chuckles and says "Both my dad and grandpa are career supervillains, so they know about a lot of the dirt that happens here."

Thad weighs his options; either ignore him and go about his day, or wreck some dirtbag's car in such a way he could easily make Eddie's death look like an accident. Only if Eddie betrays him, of course.

Thad thinks that this is maybe the easiest decision he's ever had to make in his life.

Around the time Max is wondering when Thad is going to get back, as he usually comes home the first moment physically can, the phone rings. Max prays to any god that will listen that it's not more bad news, and picks up the phone.

"Hello?"

Max immediately recognizes the voice as Thad's, and an extremely bland conversation follows, the end result of which is Thad telling Max that he's going to patrol for a bit before he comes back.

After he hangs up, Max goes to help Helen with dinner, more than a little bit glad that Thad is at least trying to make up for what he did.

It's not going to stop him from getting lectured later, though.

Thad hangs up the payphone, feeling far worse than he thought he would about the lie.

He sneaks back into the bush across the street from Herbie Hawkes' mcmansion, where he and Eddie are waiting for night to fall.

The wait is an arduous task, but they pass the time by talking about stuff like "What is the best way to pickpocket somebody" and "Where is the best place to hit someone and knock them out without causing lifelong injuries".

The fact that they're talking about committing crimes while waiting to commit a crime against someone for committing crimes is not lost on them.

It takes an hour for it to get dark enough so that they won't be seen. They creep across the street towards the car parked on the curb. As Eddie gets to work picking the lock, Thad starts to wonder why Herbie parked his car out here when, in his line of sight, he can see the three-car garage connected to his house.

Suddenly, just as Eddie gets the door open, Thad is nearly deafened by an alarm. He vibrates his hand through the hood of the car and breaks the alarm as fast as he can.

Then, silence follows.

Neither of them dare to even take a breath until they're sure the coast is clear. A whole minute later, after no response, they share a sigh of relief.

Then a door slams open.

Thad and Eddie scramble to get underneath the car and out of sight. They hear the door-slammer screaming "WHY WON'T YOU GOSHDARN HOOLIGANS LEAVE ME ALONE!?"

The distinctive sound of a shotgun cocking is almost drowned out by the door-slammer's rant continues "I SWEAR TO THE FATHER, THE SON, AND THE HOLY GHOST THAT IF I SEE ANY OF Y'ALL, I'LL SHOOT YER DANG HEADS OFF!"

He goes on and on like that for about ten minutes before Thad scoots forward to at least see what's happening, and what he sees is a middle-aged, doughy, balding man prowling the lawn with a shotgun, screaming at people who, under normal circumstances, would be miles away.

He is suddenly snapped out of his thoughts by the sound of Eddie hitting his head off the bottom of the car trying to get a peek at the action.

Both Thad and Herbie turn to the sound, Thad silently shushing, Herbie leveling his gun, poised to fire the moment he sees movement.

Thad would run away, but Eddie has a death grip on his leg. Normally this wouldn't stop him, but he found out that Eddie is Morlo's grandson when they were passing time, and he actually kinda likes Morlo so he doesn't want to get on his bad side.

Thad turns back to see Herbie creeping towards the car. It takes an agonizingly long time for him to get there, and when he does, Eddie looks like he's about to have a heart attack.

Just as Herbie starts to crouch a trashcan down the block falls over. Herbie breaks into a mad dash towards it, rounding the corner to chase the supposed vandal .

Thad and Eddie drag themselves out from underneath the car. Eddie pulls a bottle with an oily rag sticking out of it out of his jacket, prompting Thad to hiss "What are you doing!?" as Eddie yanks the rag out.

Eddie doesn't respond, instead opening the door and liberally emptying the contents of the bottle over the seats. Once the bottle is devoid of fluids, he hands the rag to Thad, who gives him a quizzical look as he produces a lighter and sets the rag aflame.

Thad immediately panics and throws it into the car, which instantly bursts into flame. Eddie belts out a victory whoop and runs away, Thad on his heels not a second later. They run and run and run until Eddie yells "Split!" and makes a sudden right turn down an alley. Thad figures this is the best time to go home and take a shower.

He has his hand on the doorknob when he realizes "Wait, cars have gas in them. Fire explodes gas."

Cue desperate sprint back to the car. It takes him less than 5 seconds to remove the gas tank and make a break for it, tank under his arm until he can find a place to property dispose of it.

On his way to the dump, he sees something that makes him screech to a halt. He so did not want or need to fight a supervillain today.

The villain in question is one Thad has never seen before, but he looks a character from those obscenely bloody movies Bart always watches, what with his massive physique, hockey mask, flannel shirt, and coveralls, not to mention that he's as silent as a tomb.

The only thing keeping him from that aesthetic is the fact that he is currently attempting to steal a monster truck with what appears to be tons of psychically controlled mud.

Thad hears a crackling sound behind him, so he takes a peek over his shoulder and freezes when he sees the fire that has been trailing him since he took the gas tank.

He looks at the tank. Then at the villain. Then back to the tank. Infinitely done with today and not willing to take the time to think of an alternative, he chucks the tank as hard as he can at the villain, who encases himself in a ball of mud to avoid harm.

The tank embeds in the mud, exploding when the fire catches up to it. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on your viewpoint, Thad forgot to consider if the truck also had gas in it, so that explodes too, the shockwave flinging the mudball over the horizon.

Thad wipes the sweat from his brow and runs home again, this time actually managing to get inside.

He immediately feels a ball of shame and guilt form in his gut when he realizes he missed dinner. Who does that? Who shoves themselves into someone else's life then denies their hospitality?

Thad is interrupted from his downward spiral by a gruff voice saying "There's leftovers in the fridge."

Max walks past him and settles down on the couch, gesturing at the seat next to him. Thad had almost forgotten about the lecture.

He is in no mood to have this talk, so he decides to get out of it the most efficient way he can think of: the truth.

"Eddie and myself have come to an..." Thad stops to think of the right word. Grife, he hates these past languages. He finds the word, snaps his finger and says, a tad louder than necessary, "Understanding!"

"Uh-huh."

The almost non-answer doesn't stop Thad from continuing "So if we can do this tomorrow that would be preferable because I really need a shower."

"I can tell." Max deadpans.

Thad takes that as a cue to go, but he stops at the foot of the stairs and timidly asks "You're... you're not mad, are you?"

Max sighs and says "No, I just have a headache."

Thad, relieved by the answer, goes to take his shower.

Max turns the TV on and changes it to the news, which is trying to report two stories simultaneously; a supervillain attack, and the vandalising of a mayoral candidate's car. It doesn't take too much thinking to connect Thad smelling like gas, a torched car, and a villain defeated by a gas explosion.

Great, yet another thing he has to get Thad to explain.

They cut to an interview with the haggard candidate, who is ranting about the "degenerates" who wrecked his car.

The man goes on and on and on, making Max think maybe, just maybe, he'll let Thad get away with this one. On second thought, Bart would probably take it personally, so that's out of the question.

Eventually, the news becomes background noise and Max drifts off to sleep.

In the middle of his slumber, Max realizes that he is standing, but he cannot move any part of his body.

He stands there for what feels like ages until a tiny shock of electricity gives him just enough energy to open his eyes.

What he sees leaves him with the most intense feeling of déjà-vu he has ever felt. His vision is completely taken up by an endless purple maelstrom.

Max suddenly recognizes where he is: The Speed Force. But something feels... wrong about it. But he can't place what that something is.

"Max, Max, Max, haven't we done this enough times today?" a voice drawls behind him.

A particularly hard smack on his back is followed by a completely featureless purple man swaggering into his line of sight.

"Well, technically I brought you here this time, but hey, semantics, right?" Max feels like the man would have a shit-eating grin plastered on his face if he had one.

"As you can probably tell, I am very busy." He gestures at the purple energy enveloping everything. "And I don't have the time to keep wiping your mind, as fun as it is."

"Now, I am a gracious host, so I'll give you a fighting chance." The man, quick as lightning, grabs Max's face. Instantaneously, the memories of the entire last month of meditation is returned to him.

Still reeling from the shock, he nearly misses the man say "If you can guess my name, I will let you keep those memories. Five minutes. Though I bet you'll get it before then."

Max immediately starts trying to deduct who the man could possibly be. He seems to think that Max has far more information than he actually does. His thoughts are only interrupted by the man chiming in for every minute passed.

Just as Max concludes that he has no idea who he is, the man cheers "Time's up!"

He reaches out his hand, crackling with electricity, towards Max as he says "One chance. No retries. Good luck!"

A bolt hits Max, giving him the energy to make at least one movement, maybe less.

So he does nothing.

It takes the man less than fifteen seconds to become irrationally impatient, saying "C'mon man, didn't I give you enough?" He blasts Max again.

Max remains completely still. He gets blasted another three times. Still nothing.

The man, who'd previously kept himself at arm's length, storms up to him, yelling "You'd better give me an answer before I do something you'll regret!"

So Max gives him an answer, in the form of a punch to the face.

The man explodes as the Speed Force screams and turns to a more reddish-purple.

Max then feels the unpleasant sensation of about two thousand fists colliding with him at the same time.

Suddenly the man is inches from Max's face, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt, flinging him around like a ragdoll and screeching "HOW DARE YOU!? I'LL THROW YOUR DOG OFF A BRIDGE AND BEAT YOUR MOTHER WITH WHAT'S LEFT! I'D RIP OUT YOUR GUTS AND WEAR THEM AS A HAT IF I DIDN'T ALREADY HAVE ONE!” he points at his own head so forcefully that he makes contact with his head and he freezes.

He runs a hand over his hatless head and looks down at his barren torso. He lets go of Max's battered form and puts both hands on his smooth face, during which the Speed Force returns to it's previous purple hue.

The man sheepishly mutters “Uh... whoops. My bad."

He pulls Max back to his feet and, brushing off nonexistent dirt, conversationally saying "No wonder you couldn't tell who I was!"

Once Max is sufficiently cleaned up and re-frozen, the man takes a step back and admires his handiwork. He then appears to get lost in thought for a minute, until a figurative lightbulb lights up over his head.

He jams his thumbs into where his eyesockets would be and twists them around until he's satisfied. When he pulls them out, two blindingly white orbs taking up the previously blank space. Not quite done, he grabs his jaw and tears open a jagged mouth for himself.

He looks over to Max and remarks "I'm doing a pretty good job, wouldn't ya say?" He then proceeds to cackle at his own joke for a while until he smacks his cheeks lightly and says "Right, back to work."

He digs his fingers into his hip and drags it up his chest diagonally, an upside down lightning bolt forming after it. He spins on his heel like a top before striking a pose like a stage magician, declaring "Now for the peace day resistance!"

Max wishes more than anything that he could do anything to make him shut the hell up.

The man gestures dramatically at the wall of the Speed Force and a chunk of iron flies out of it. He starts molding it like a sculptor would clay, rambling  "You know, I was just as surprised as you are now when I found out that people aren't the only things that get sucked in here. You're probably thinking, "Oh, he's so cool! I wish I was as smart as hi-" Ah! It's done!" He holds up the finished product, a familiar helmet, with reverence.

"Well, it's almost done." He waves a hand and some copper wire flies into his hand. He quickly gets to work fashioning it into the shape he wants, saying "Gold doesn't last too long in here, so I have to make due. And... done!"

The man proudly puts the helmet, now complete with tiny wings, and struts up to Max, saying "Now to deal with you."

He puts his hand almost entirely over Max's face, leaving his eyes exposed. "If it makes you feel any better, I wasn't going to let you keep those memories even if you did guess my name."

Max clenches his hand into a fist, surprising the man.

"Oh! You're stronger than I thought. I guess I should tell you something about me." He smiles an almost friendly smile at Max. "Right? Right."

Then, faster than Max can comprehend, his head is slammed against the ground and held there.

The man, with a crazed look on his face, snarls "I. Have. No. Rival."

Electricity shoots through the man's arm and straight into Max's skull as the man says, chipper as can be, "See you in a couple weeks!"

Max wakes up so violently that he almost falls out of bed.

Once he composes himself, he tries to remember what the dream was, but his headache is so blinding that he can't. Oh, well.

He then starts his morning routine, which consists of the usual stuff people do in the morning; getting dressed, brushing teeth, taking a shower, making a detailed schedule of the day, and... huh.

He can't remember the last time he's meditated. Hmm. Of course, he thinks, now he has two kids to teach and he barely had the time to mediate with just one!

Routine finished, Max goes downstairs to get breakfast and to tell Thad that it's not okay to beat up your classmates or set people's cars on fire and no, it doesn't matter if you think they did something, you still need proof. He can't believe he has to have this talk again.

It's going to be a long day.