#easily one of the television scenes ever that will stick with me my whole life

[memecatwings]

everyone talks about The Terror but i only ever see people discussing season 1 where are the posts about how season 2 chews you up and spits you out it shook me to my core and ive thought about it every single day of my life ever since

[atlasshrugd]

Hi seeing as you seem to be the only sorta active britin blog I can find lol I wanted to ask you about some of your favourite moments for them, as I'm kinda new to the fandom whatevers around lol, and would like to hear peoples thoughts on them if you don't mind answering 😊

Hey there! Sorry I am answering so late, but WOW this is a big ask because there are SO many favorite moments.

So I have narrowed it down to my Top 5:

1. Prom (obviously)

Okay this is a no-brainer. This is literally the most romantic sequence in all of television history. I still have not found something more beautiful, moving, triumphant, loving, and groundbreaking than when Brian and Justin danced to 'Save the Last Dance for Me' at prom. Obviously barring the horrific events of what followed, this scene transcended all stereotypes and barriers and allowed us as the viewers to feel pure happiness and pride as queer people. I remember seeing it for the first time at 14 and feeling so unadulteratedly happy and validated. This was a scene of two gay people unapologetically showing the world that they did not give a shit what anyone thought of them. The only thing that mattered was this thing between them; this unspoken understanding, solace, love, and pride. I still moves me to this day whenever I watch it, no matter how many times I do.

And of course we must talk about the implications of Brian's character in this scene. Throughout season 1, he has been an emotionally stunted and cold individual who does not believe in love, relationships, or trying to make other people happy. Here, in the finale, we see Brian finally putting away all his ego bullshit ("I wouldn't be caught dead in a room full of 18 year olds"), and going out of his way to make someone he cares about happy. The fact that he even showed up at Justin's prom is a direct U-turn from the moral principles he has been reinforcing all season. And by dancing to a "ridiculously romantic" corny song, waltzing, and kissing Justin in front of everyone without giving a shit — that is pride. That is one of Brian's long-accustomed walls tumbling down.

"And don't forget whose taking you home and in whose arms you're gonna be..."

2. When they make love for the first time after the bashing

Now these scenes...how do I describe the sheer profundity? After Justin's bashing at prom, Brian is left in shambles. He blames himself for everything, and it is just further proof that Brian's love always causes further destruction. Justin has lost all memory of that night at prom, and this is one of the big tragedies. Justin had promised that he'd never forget it, and that it was the best night of his life. That proof of Brian's love that he had for so long been longing to experience — has disappeared as if it never happened. Now, Justin's confidence and surety of the world has been distorted. He is no longer sure of anything, including himself and Brian. He needs reassurance and things spelled out for him.

When Brian and Justin sleep together for the first time after the bashing, it is not like all the other times they had sex. This, in fact, is the first time they make love. Justin is telling Brian that he trusts him wholeheartedly, enough to allow him in his body again after his own agency had been ripped away from him. This is where Justin absolves Brian of his guilt. He takes the blood-stained scarf off his shoulders, lets it fall to the ground. He gives Brian the forgiveness that Brian cannot offer himself.

"Like the first time?" Brian asks, because it is the anniversary of their first meeting, but at the same time—it is nothing like the first time. Now, they are not strangers. They are more acquainted with each other than they have ever sought to be; know each other in such profound depths. They are forever linked by this thing they have both experienced, but it is not just that shared trauma. It is based off deep understanding and love. They have, somehow along the way, become more each other than themselves. They know that they have become irreplaceable and inseparable parts of each other. And Brian has been holding onto that guilt for so long that it has become rooted deeply within him. SO when Justin absolves him of it, Brian allows himself to truly feel for the first time since the bashing. He gives himself to Justin, in that moment, as Justin gives himself to Brian. It is a brilliant and tender scene of trust, devotion, acceptance, and absolution. Something they both needed to soothe their troubled souls, and a new basis for their relationship.

3. When Brian helps Justin walk down the street after the bashing

Again, this is Brian showing nurturing, care, patience, compassion, and selflessness to another person. Justin trusts him enough to rely on him, and Brian doesn't take this trust lightly. These are some of the sweetest scenes of the whole show, because this is when Brian is completely focused and devoted to Justin. He wants to help him, more than anything, to get better. And he accepts and takes up this role of carer, not because he has to, or because he is obligated or forced to. But because he will do anything to ensure that Justin will be okay, and that he gets the life he deserves.

Specifically, my favorite scene is when the song 'Grand pianos crash together, when my boy walks down the street...' is playing. Justin is walking through a crowd and Brian has his arms outstretched. When they come together, they hug deeply and easily. This scene is so simple and pure, so chaste, but it shows the true essence of their relationship, beyond all the facades and bells and whistles. At the heart of it, Brian and Justin care about each other more than they care about themselves. They have established a stable foundation of trust that they can rely on. And it also perfectly encapsulates just how far Brian has come once again. He is showing such selfless care and devotion to a boy in public daylight, kissing and hugging him and not wanting to let go of his hand. Season 1 Brian would have never even considered that. This just shows how much the events of the prom changed him, and shows how his desire for responsibility of another person has matured him. He had been forced to face his inner feelings, fears, and truths. Now, they are out in the open for the first time and Brian accepts this. This alone is a huge development.

Brian is also afraid to let go of Justin. When Justin says he can walk back himself and says 'Later,' Brian repeats it apprehensively as he holds Justin's hand until he can't anymore. Then, he watches Justin go, walking through the crowds. The look on his face is wistful, a little troubled. He hasn't wanted to face just how much he enjoys Justin's presence and how much happier and content he is when Justin is with him. He hasn't wanted to face just how afraid he is to lose Justin again. Their words of 'Later' are a direct mirror of their last words on prom night, just before Justin got bashed. Brian had watched Justin walk away, too. And a second later, he was gone.

4. Pride

This is probably one of my all-time favorite scenes in television ever. I have cried each time I've seen it. There is something so pure, essential, liberating, triumphant and tender about this scene, and the song that plays (Chiquitita by ABBA) certainly shows it. Firstly, Justin accepts Brian in his entirety and doesn't expect him to change. He knows how much Brian has been devoting to Justin in his recovery, and how strange that role is for Brian. Here, he tells Brian to 'go find a stud, ask him to dance,' — because he knows how much Brian has been sacrificing for him. This alone shows Justin's maturity and inner strength. He loves Brian, so he will not try to change him or shackle him. He wants Brian to be free to choose and live the way he wants, and that is what he fell in love with.

But when Justin shows this sacrifical and detached love for him, Brian realises that there is nothing he wants to do; no one he wants to be with more — than Justin. He is aware of the myriads of choices he has. But he chooses Justin. (Technically, for the first time, perhaps aside from prom. But even at prom, he had been running from something [turning 30]. Here, he chooses Justin without pressure for the first time.)

So, he follows him outside. He ask him "Hey, stud. Wanna dance?" Justin doesn't believe him at first, because he is not used to Brian choosing him by his own volition. He cannot imaging Brian passing up getting laid, especially after being celibate for the whole day. He also feels like a burden; like Justin's recovery has been inflicted on Brian, stopping him from living his life normally. Justin loves Brian enough to let him be free, but the biggest part? Brian loves Justin enough to choose him in that freedom.

So this marks another checkpoint in their relationship. Not only is there trust, understanding, and love — there is also desire. Sure, they have always desired each other. But this desire is not the physical kind or one born out of loneliness. This is desire for the other person as a whole. This is desiring another person's company because theirs is the only company you want. This is desiring to be with someone when there are so many other options. This is real desire — the kind that originates from the heart and not the flesh.

"I promise you won't forget this one." Brian is promising Justin that this dance will be theirs, just theirs. Not to stick it to anyone, to show anyone anything, to make some kind of point, or to make somebody happy. This dance is theirs, for the reason that Brian wants Justin to have this: this moment where Brian only wants Justin, where he dances with him simply because he wants to. And he wants Justin to have this memory, to overcome all the vague blurriness of their past. He wants this dance to be the one he remembers when he questions himself. And so they dance, and they sway, and they kiss, and they press their heads together, and the lights are bright and colored on Liberty Avenue, and everywhere people are free and joyful, and there is nothing to prove, no one to run from, nothing to hide. Their arms are wrapped around each other and the sound of 'You'll be dancing once again...and the pain will end...you will have no time for grieving...' tumbles through the air and all around them. 'But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you.' Now: there is nothing to be afraid of, and everyday life is full of reasons to be alive. To be proud.

5. Their reunification

This is one of their main checkpoints. This scene is the moment they finally become equals. Justin had left Brian for the reason that Brian could not give him what he needed to be happy, which was: reassurance. After the bashing, Justin lost all sense of who he was. There was a huge gap in his memory, therefore a huge part of himself he could not claim. He had lost partial use of his dominant hand which took away the only thing that gave him solace; his drawing ability. He was no longer sure of anything and needed things spelled out for him. He needed to talk about it. 

But Brian was not willing to do that, because he himself was struggling with trauma from the incident that he did not want to face. Where his love language is in acts of service (letting Justin live with him, paying for his tuition, helping him recover) — Justin needed to hear the words. He needed verbal affirmation to prove that he wasn't crazy and just projecting his feelings onto Brian. He could no longer trust his own perception and interpretation of things whereas in the past he could read Brian's mixed signals easily without needing confirmation. This is the part Brian failed to understand. He was not willing to concede his identified notions of 'relationships' and 'love' — no matter how far he came. He had not accepted that his feelings for Justin were love, and that scared him. So he refused to compromise with Justin, believing that his actions were enough when they weren't. But all Justin needed was to be heard, and for someone to love him enough to give hime what he needed sometimes (which was, verbal and emotional affirmation).

So their relationship ended, and Justin thought he could get what he needed from Ethan, which proved to be another big lie. So at the end, Justin still cannot trust his own perception, but — he finally knows what he wants.

He comes to the realization that while Brian could not give him the words, he gave him honesty. He learned from Ethan that words without action had no meaning. So he prioritized what mattered more to him: hearing that Brian loved him? Or, knowing that Brian loved him. So he chose honesty.

And this is when they could get back together without that imbalance and insecurity.

"And you are never to play violin music in my presence again." This single line is the only thing Brian needed to say to indicate to Justin that he was hurt by Justin leaving. Brian has been putting up a front of indifference for their entire break up, only indulging in pain management in private. Justin leaving him irrefutably hurt him more than he could have ever anticipated. But he did not show it.

So, Justin smiles — a little nod of awareness — because that is all Brian needed to say. And he says, "I promise."

"And it's time...that we...grow old and so some shit..." plays in the background (Lover's Spit) as they start to undress each other, because they are now on the same playing field. They have no illusions, misunderstandings, and misinterpretations anymore. They are starting anew; a little older and a little wiser than before. Brian knows how painful it is to lose Justin. Justin knows how skewed his perception had been, because he had been so caught up in his isolation that he could not see the truth of Brian's actions.

But they both know at least one thing: that life is better together than apart.

Tbh I could go ON and write a dissertation about each of these individual scenes, but I hope this made sense and gave a little more insight on these scenes and characters. Thank you for the great question!

[hatterstan-shameblog]

For the headcanon thing

I think Hatter likes to watch bad movies. Like the really bad ones. The ones that make you roll your eyes/laugh/cry at every single thing about it, doesn't matter if it's plot or acting. But you know what he loves more than watching those awful movies alone?

Watching them with someone else.

"hey, Mori, wanna watch a movie?"

"...no."

"c'mon, you'll like this one."

"no, I won't."

"...no, you won't. But I will enjoy your presence. C'mon bro, do it for the sake of bonding time."

"*sigh* fine..."

(inspired by real life events)

💕 Sleepover 💕

Rating: PG13 for language and alcohol consumption

Relationship: Takeru (Hatter)/Aguni

Tags: banter, friendly insults, Just Guys Being Dudes, drinking, swearing, love confessions (sort of), They Talk A Big Game But The Love Is There

Bangbangbangbangbang!

“Mori!”

Bangbangbangbangbang!

“Moooooori, let me iiiiiiiiiin!”

Clunk!

Click!

Creeeeeeaaaaaak!

Aguni opens his apartment door, wincing at the slap of summer heat that greets him as he does.

“C’mon man,” an overheated and impatient Takeru implores, “it’s miserable out here!”

“You bring me samosas,” Aguni asks, crossing his arms across his chest, “Because I’m not letting you in without my samosas.”

Takeru’s face twists into a look of shocked indignation.

“Would you really leave me—your best friend on this beautiful green Earth—to swelter and die on your doorstep in this blazing summer heat…all because I forgot the samosas?”

Aguni considers.

“No. I’d ask you to swelter and die in the parking lot. Neighbors’ll kick up a fuss if you block the stairwell.”

“Well it’s a good thing I got two orders this time,” Takeru shakes the bag enticingly, “so we don’t even have to share.”

“Someone’s splashing out,” Aguni murmurs, taking the bag from Takeru’s outstretched hand and standing aside so the man can enter his home, “Don’t suppose there’s a reason for all this…”

“Maybe I just wanted to be nice,” Takeru says flippantly, toeing off his shoes, “a little ‘thank you’ for welcoming me into your home.”

Aguni carries the bag of food over to his coffee table and sets it down, being careful not to disturb the place settings he had so thoughtfully arranged. Two plates, two spoons, two glasses of water—all neatly placed in the center of his new, sage-green placemats.

Hopefully nobody spills curry on them.

“You brought one of your weird movies again, didn’t you?”

Takeru rolls his eyes. Shoving his arm into his messenger bag, he rummages around its contents for a moment before yanking a dark, thin rectangle and holding it up for Aguni to examine.

“The 1977 horror classic, House,” he explains with an edge of exasperation, “is a critically-acclaimed work of art that has been inspiring both film fanatics and the average man for nearly half a century.”

“Straight from the back of the box,” Aguni mumbles, opening the stapled-shut paper bag and peeking at the containers inside, “Anyways, I thought you didn’t like scary movies.”

Takeru scoffs.

“Not sure what gave you that idea,” Takeru says, shoving his feet into his slippers—yes, his slippers, black velvet with red-and-gold dragons embroidered on the front because ‘I’m here enough to warrant my own damn slippers’ and ‘these are fucking awesome,’ “We saw Hereditary in the theater!”

“And you were scared the whole time,��� Aguni points out, gingerly lifting their food out of the bag and arranging the containers on their respective plates, “You had to sleep with the lights on for a week. Screwed up your cat’s sleep schedule and everything.”

Takeru swans his way over to Aguni’s refrigerator and opens it, more or less sticking his whole head inside to examine its (admittedly meager) offerings.

“It’s not my fault that Ziggy is such a smart, beautiful boy who knows what ‘lights out’ means. And besides,” Takeru says while examining the bottle of white wine Aguni had put in to chill, “I’ll be staying here tonight, so it won’t be an issue.”

“So the cat gets to sleep, but I don’t?”

“You, my dear, get a evening of my company, complete with scintillating conversation, cultural enrichment, and—as we have already established—your very own order of samosas,” Takeru calls out from the kitchen, rummaging for a suitable pair of wine glasses, “And besides, I plan on sleeping deeply and comfortably knowing that any and all monsters would no doubt eat you first, giving me ample opportunity to flee the scene…”

Aguni lifts the lid off his curry, admiring the rich yellow hue and inhaling its bold spices. There are even a few extra chilis lying on top, which is a lovely surprise.

Takeru arrives at the table, glasses in one hand and wine in the other. He gives the spread a discerning once-over and then a nod of apparent approval.

“Anyways,” Takeru says, twisting off the top of the wine bottle (not without giving Aguni a look of distaste as he does it), “I’m a bit disappointed in you, Mori-chan. I thought you’d fight me more on this one…”

“It’s a losing battle,” Aguni concedes, sitting himself down in his usual spot and turning on the television, “I have too many brain cells and not enough patience to go through the usual theatrics.”

Takeru hands him a generously-full wine glass—not as full as his own, of course, but still more than what the average person might pour.

“This’ll help the brain cell problem,” he says with an over-enthusiastic smile, “probably the patience, too. Wine makes you sentimental.”

“Hmph.”

“See? It’s already working.”

“Yeah, well,” Aguni grumbles, taking a small sip of his beverage, “better get the movie started before I change my mind.”

Takeru begins his usual indignant grumbling as he fumbles with the DVD player. Aguni could help him, but, frankly, it’s entertaining to watch his friend struggle with the simple electronic setup.

When Takeru manages to get the tray open, he gives a small cheer of victory. Aguni stifles a smirk.

Hopefully the movie is this much fun.

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

“Mori. Hey, Mori-chan.”

Aguni rolls his eyes, and then himself onto his side to face Takeru.

“What,” he grumbles, squinting in the dark as he tries to make out the other mans’ shape, “piano thing still got you upset?”

“It ate her fingers, Mori,” Takeru whisper-shouts, “and then it got the rest of her too! That’s enough to upset anyone!”

“It wasn’t even that scary,” Aguni mentions, shimmying his shoulders in order to find a more comfortable spot on his futon, “besides, you don’t even play piano, so you don’t have to worry.”

Takeru is silent for a moment—a blessed, beautiful moment.

“I guess you’re right,” he says after his brief contemplation, “but that’s not the only thing on my mind.”

“I’m guessing ‘sleep’ isn’t one of ‘em?”

Takeru scoffs. There’s a shuffling and fluttering sound from his neighboring futon as he turns to face his disgruntled companion.

“In due time,” Takeru says, “what plagues me now is more of a philosophical question.”

Aguni sighs.

“Remember the part where that guy got turned into a pile of bananas?”

“Yeah,” Aguni responds, “that was weird.”

“What if that happened to me,” Takeru asks, sounding genuinely concerned, “would I turn into a pile of bananas, or would I be a different kind of fruit?”

Oh, you’re different alright, Aguni thinks to himself, but he knows better than to say that out loud. Takeru’s using his ‘this is going to keep me up all night unless you give me a good answer’ voice, so Aguni starts thinking about how best to answer.

“I think you’d be melons,” Takeru concludes, “yeah…definitely melons.”

“Because of my round head and lack of hair?”

“No,” Takeru snaps, “well, that wasn’t my original thinking.”

Aguni subtly checks his phone—half-past one o’clock in the morning, too late to send Takeru home on a train to ask his cat these burning questions instead of him.

“Why,” Aguni asks, “do you think I’d be melons?”

“Well, like you, melons are strong and tough on the outside. Make a nice thud sound when you smack ‘em.”

“So do I,” Aguni mentions, “if you get the right spot. But I also hit back, so that’s not very melon-y, is it?”

“Hm. I suppose not. But,” Takeru says, “where you really start to resemble the melon is on the inside.”

“Inside, huh?”

“Yeah,” Takeru considers for a moment, “underneath all that tough rind, melons are soft. Sweet, too. Nothing fancy, they’re not trying to prove anything, they’re just…good. Like you.”

Aguni hadn’t been expecting something so…sentimental. It’s a touching departure from their usual quips and playful jabs, and it makes something warm and kind of familiar bubble up in Aguni’s heart.

“And also,” Takeru tacks on, “they’re green. And green is your favorite color! So it’s perfect.”

“I think you’d be a strawberry,” Aguni says after a beat.

“A strawberry? You mean only one?”

“Only one,” Aguni confirms, “but one of those fancy designer ones, the kind they grow in those hydroponic farms and sell in department stores for thousands of yen.”

“I heard about a guy who got murdered at one of those places,” Takeru says, “some yakuza guy who was selling weed on the side, someone put a hit out on him and used the body for fertilizer.”

“That’s…disturbing,” Aguni replies, “but that’s beside the point. Don’t you want to know why I think you’d be a single strawberry?”

“Is it because they’re red?”

“Sort of,” Aguni says, “Got a lot of seeds, too. Get stuck in your teeth pretty easily, if you’re not careful.”

“I am rather tenacious.”

“You are.”

Aguni considers his next words carefully. His relationship with Takeru is…complicated, and uncertain, and if anyone ever asked him what they ‘are’ he wouldn’t know how to answer.

“Strawberries are sweet. They’re sour, too. You’d know the flavor anywhere. And you…”

He pauses. Takeru, for once, doesn’t try to fill the silence with his own voice.

“…Well, those designer strawberries are all one-of-a-kind, just like you. So that’s why there’s one one,” he says slowly, “and I like strawberries. Might even, uh…love ‘em.”

“Oh, Mori…”

Something flops onto Aguni’s blanket—once, twice, and ah, it’s Takeru’s hand, and he’s looking for something. Aguni slips his arm from under the covers and covers Takeru’s hand with his own. This is apparently what Takeru had been searching for, because he pulls Aguni’s hand closer to himself.

“You know,” Takeru says, “now that you mention it, I think I might love melon, too.”

Aguni feels lips against the back of his hand—a soft kiss, gentle, a reassurance as much as an act of affection—and he’s glad for the dark of night that hides the blush of his cheeks.

“I feel better now,” Takeru announces, giving Aguni’s hand a light squeeze, “In fact, I think I’m falling asleep as we speak…”

“Hmm,” Aguni hums in agreement.

He’s still holding Takeru’s hand, and Takeru, his—neither seem too keen on letting go, at least, not for now.

[franniebanana]

CQL Rewatch - Ep 25

Every time I start these things, I say something stupid or controversial right away that probably turns people off. Honestly, it's not my fault how weird the cuts are on these CQL episodes! If you're on the fence about reading this, I mostly babble and gush about wangxian, so just ignore the other stuff, okay?

Maybe it's because I'm old and have no patience, but Wei Wuxian really needs to get over the whole Jin Zixuan thing. He wears such a scowl when the guy shows up, but at a certain point, he needs to just move on. His shijie is totally into the guy, so just accept it and move on with your life! Yes, it's all very dramatic and makes for fun television, but it's a little old. I think maybe I've seen this show too many times haha.

And I can't help myself, but it's adorable how excited Jin Zixuan gets when Jiang Yanli accepts the invitation to watch. I don't know when or how this happened, but he's suddenly head over heels for her. I'm not going to over-analyze the whens and hows of that relationship, though, because I don't think it matters. Jin Zixuan is one of those characters who I think is mostly there to move the plot forward, which is totally fine. I'm just saying I don't think there's any deep meaning to why he suddenly fell for her, so I'm going to continue thinking they are cute and adorable in this whole puppy love phase.

And it's a little annoying how Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng keep looking at her. They both know (Jiang Cheng said it in the last episode) that she's in love with Jin Zixuan, so it should be no surprise that she's accept the invitation. Again, it's like Jiang Cheng just is obsessed with keeping people at his side. Honey, there's nothing for Jiang Yanli in Lotus Pier. She's going to get married and move away, period. That's the whole thing with patriarchal societies--she's not gonna marry her brother, and obviously Wei Wuxian is out of the question. It's just--why the surprise?

Seriously, man, you're being such a dick! He will not let anything go with Jin Zixuan, he just keeps holding those grudges until the day Jin Zixuan dies! Maybe this is a hallmark of Wei Wuxian's first life, though. When he is resurrected, he learns to let a lot of this emotional baggage go. But right now, he's just being an ass, stepping in front of Jin Zixuan, not allowing him to say anything else, not letting Jiang Yanli walk him out alone--like, why are you accompanying her?! Wei Wuxian barely attends to any duties at Lotus Pier, but because he sees Jin Zixuan as this villain, he won't let his shijie be alone with him. Of course, there is propriety to consider, but then why couldn't Jiang Yanli have been accompanied by her handmaidens or something? I'm just saying, there were other ways. And also, this whole episode centers around Wei Wuxian clashing with the Jin Clan, so why did we need more of that here?

I don't have a terrible about to say about this, but everyone outside of the Jin Clan is shocked by the Wens being hauled out on a chain gang at the Phoenix Mountain hunt. Obviously Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian are shocked and horrified, but also Jiang Cheng, Lan Xichen, and Nie Mingjue are also shown to be disturbed by this. At least upon first glance, it looks like they all think the Jins have gone a bit too far. And of course they have! It's no wonder that Wei Wuxian does that OP move where he shoots all the targets. He doesn't want to see less-skilled archers accidentally (or even purposefully) shoot the Wen prisoners.

I like that Jin Zixuan also does the jumpshot move. Like father, like son, I guess!

Hahaha that pout! But seriously, how does Wei Wuxian intend to use Lan Wangji's headband to cover his eyes? That thing is way too thin. Though he's probably serious here, it's nice to see that teasing side again, after seeing angry eyes Wei Wuxian for a while, now. Also fun to see Lan Wangji just not having it, and just ignoring him.

Iconic. Not much I can say here, other than he's sexy and he knows it. I noticed Lan Wangji kind of smirking as Wei Wuxian is putting on the blindfold, and I find myself wondering if that's really Lan Wangji or Yibo. Either way, I think it's safe to say that he's proud of Wei Wuxian for sticking it to the man.

The weird thing here is that he agrees to be blindfolded for the entire hunt, but then just...doesn't. It's strange that he would even agree to it, and then there's no mention of it again. Novel readers of course remember this for the infamous kiss scene (personal favorite of mine). This was cut for obvious reasons, but it's a damn shame because that's the hottest kiss I've ever read, I kid you not. Of course the reader can guess who it is--it's fairly obvious--but it's great because Wei Wuxian has no idea. He thinks it's some shy girl who just doesn't want him to know! Honestly, his cluelessness there is probably why people seem to think he's dumb. Instead of dumb, I'd say he's naive. It doesn't occur to him at all that Lan Wangji harbors any romantic feelings for him, because if it had, Lan Wangji's reaction to being seen definitely would have tipped him off. Plus the guy either punches a tree in half or cuts it--the translations vary and I obviously can't read Chinese.

I love how his expression changes when he sees Lan Wangji. It's like there's an inward gasp, and then relief. I don't want to read too much into things, but they are also alone in the woods together. Wei Wuxian doesn't have to perform for the crowd of people, he doesn't have to put on airs--he can just be himself. We get so many nice, candid moments between the two of them, but it's been a couple of episodes, I think. A good amount of time has certainly passed since they've seen each other. I'm sure Wei Wuxian looks forward to these moments as much as Lan Wangji does.

Ugh, and then he gets totally crushed, recalling what Lan Xichen said about being careful not to hurt those who care about him. And again, I think he wishes to distance himself from Lan Wangji. If there is distance, it means he cannot be harmed. Of course, Wei Wuxian thinks of Lan Wangji first because the warning came from his brother, but it can just as easily be applied to any of those who are close to him. He doesn't ever hesitate around Jiang Cheng or even Jiang Yanli, but it seems he's more protective of Lan Wangji. Some of that may have to do with the Gusu Lan principles and that he's not from the same clan or family--in that way, it's easier to put distance in between them. But maybe he doesn't realize that Lan Wangji feels the same closeness (indeed much more) than if Wei Wuxian were a fellow Gusu Lan disciple. Their relationship with each other pays no attention to clans or sects--it's just the two of them and how they feel about each other. And if Wei Wuxian doesn't realize this or perhaps chooses to ignore it, he'll think that distance is the answer. Unfortunately for him, Lan Wangji won't accept that.

I think there's a little bit of, "Shit! He's seen me!" and also "Thank God he's seen me." Wei Wuxian seems to be both panicked and relieved that Lan Wangji didn't just keep on walking. This scene does hurt my heart, because Lan Wangji is so sure of himself, so absolutely sure that he loves Wei Wuxian and wants to stay beside him, but Wei Wuxian just isn't. He's very conflicted about what his place is--at home and among the rest of the clans. He already feels ostracized because of the unorthodox cultivation, he is constantly arguing with Jiang Cheng, and he has Lan Wangji on his back all the time about coming to Gusu to be retrained. And on top of that, we're seeing his views about the Wens changing. Perhaps if he didn't see Wen Qing on that road, he would have let it all go, but once he sees her, everything changes. I tend to think that he would have done something sooner or later, because that's just who he is. Seeing Wen Qing and finding out what happened to Wen Ning only forced him to act sooner.

He says, "What do you take me for?" echoing Wei Wuxian's question, and he can't even look him in the eye. This is Lan Wangji, someone who doesn't back away from anything, yet this question has him retreating. I think he's very much afraid of the answer, maybe even regretting asking it in the first place. But I think it was done in the heat of the moment. His question, though it is the same words, is completely different than Wei Wuxian's. Wei Wuxian is exasperated, feeling stifled by Lan Wangji's attempts to help him. His question is off-hand, "Come on, I don't need this? Why are you so obsessed with figuring out how to change me?" Lan Wangji's is more serious, earnest, honest: basically questioning their entire relationship. Are they best friends? Are they even friends? Does Wei Wuxian see him as just some guy he used to know or some kind of pest? Lan Wangji makes himself really vulnerable here; his question suggests that he considers Wei Wuxian to be a very important person, he considers them close. To him, there's no question if he'll help him--he'd do anything to help him. But his fear here is that Wei Wuxian doesn't return those feelings in the slightest.

Wei Wuxian doesn't quite know what to do here. Unbeknownst to everyone else, his only path to cultivation is through unorthodox methods. If he agrees to let Lan Wangji truly help him, he knows that would mean giving up cultivation altogether. Chenqing gives him power, the amulet gives him power--without those, he has nothing. And for someone who wants to help the weak, etc., being powerless is not an option. I think he feels like he has to choose between demonic cultivation and Lan Wangji here, and he desperately doesn't want to make that choice.

I want to see that fucking snake!!!!! SHOW ME A MONSTER!!!!!!!!! But most of all, the Stature Measuring Snake, because that just sounds hilarious and terrifying.

Lots of deep questions being asked in this episode between our couples. "Do you dislike the hunt, or dislike being with me?" I mean, I get that he has to ask that. Essentially, should he continue to pursue this relationship or not? He has to know, otherwise he's just wasting his time. If Jiang Yanli doesn't like him, then there's really nothing he can do to make her. Still, my heart squeezes a little bit for him. I'm a sucker for unrequited love ALWAYS, and he feels like his love is unrequited here.

This part bothers me. We've already established through Jiang Cheng that they basically are leaving the decision of marriage up to Jiang Yanli. That happened in the last episode. So, why is Wei Wuxian blowing in here, saying that Jiang Yanli won't have any other associations with Jin Zixuan anymore? He's totally overstepping for his position--like, she's not his sister! He has no control over what she does. Even though I don't agree with it, Jiang Cheng could probably come in here and say the same words, but at least from him, it's okay. I mean, it's not okay, but you know what I mean. It's not unorthodox for him to do that. But Wei Wuxian is basically nobody. He doesn't get to make those decisions. Even though Jin Zixuan's mother is overbearing, she at least wants to speak with Jiang Yanli about it, and nobody else.

I hate myself a little for saying this, but I think I agree with Jin Zixun--IN PART. It was unfair for Wei Wuxian to capture/kill 30% of the prey, using magic. It was unfair that he spoiled the hunt for the others. I agree with him there. And I think Lan Wangji and Jiang Yanli do as well. Jiang Yanli stands up for him, of course, because he's like her little brother, and while what he did was wrong, he didn't deserve the slurs and hatred that came at him because of it. Lan Wangji, I'm afraid, probably feels it's not his place to speak up. The clans are their barriers and this truly is not a Gusu Lan Sect matter. At the same time, he wants to keep Wei Wuxian from blowing up and killing everyone here.

I just want to point out that Lan Wangji barely takes his eyes off of Wei Wuxian this entire time. While all the other people are arguing, his focus is just Wei Wuxian. While it's insane to me to even imagine what Wei Wuxian is going through, the constant challenges, vitriol, horrible language that's being thrown at him--being in Lan Wangji's shoes is not an enviable position either. It must be hard to watch this and be unable to really do anything to stop it. His uncle and brother both see what has happened to Wei Wuxian, and they don't like what they see either. Lan Qiren barely tries to understand and instead just tries to give Lan Wangji busy work to distract him from thinking about Wei Wuxian. He drills the disciplines into him over and over again to make him remember what his priorities are. Lan Wangji is torn between helping his best friend and violating his family's rules. And when he does choose Wei Wuxian, he gets punished. I think it's obvious that Lan Wangji would choose Wei Wuxian any day, but that doesn't change the fact that he still has to go home and face his uncle and brother. He can't just abandon his sect--he has a responsibility to them too.

This is probably a top moment for me for Jiang Yanli's scenes. She is deliberate and assertive, and uses the facts to take Jin Zixun down a peg. She recognizes that Wei Wuxian acted unfairly, but she also points out basically that he's being a big crybaby, and it's not anyone's fault but his own if he can't hunt anything. This is the nature of competition: some people are just better than others. And also hearing her talk about Wei Wuxian as a brother of course makes me happy inside.

Yeah, but this scene, it's like a big "FUCK YOU!" and it's great.

Again, I hope I'm not reading too much into this, but Lan Xichen says, "Wangji, what are you doing here?" and he sounds pretty concerned. I mean, he knows Lan Wangji is participating in the hunt, so…? Maybe he doesn't see the other Lan disciples, and wonders why he's off on his own. I feel like he sees this big kerfuffle, centered around none other than Wei Wuxian, and kind of panics to see that Lan Wangji is there. I think a lot of people put all the blame on Lan Qiren for trying to stamp out Lan Wangji's desire to be with Wei Wuxian, but I'm sure Lan Xichen had a little to do with it too. I mean, he didn't do anything to try and stop it. I think he's worried that his brother is going to get caught up in something dangerous. I think he sees Wei Wuxian as potentially dangerous. He's seen how much he overreacts and how he can't quite control the dark energy. In the same way Jiang Yanli wants to protect Wei Wuxian, Lan Xichen also wants to protect his little brother, and seeing this scene, I think he's growing more concerned.

He knows his brother better than anyone else, even Wei Wuxian, so I think he knows what Lan Wangji is doing. I just wonder if he ever approached him in the Cloud Recesses and tried to persuade him to stop trying to help Wei Wuxian. I'm guessing no, not at this point, but perhaps later. God, I hate to think that he had one of those "I told you so" moments. But knowing him, he probably could never say something like that!

Omg how fucking awkward is this? Wei Wuxian is practically 20 feet from them, Jin Zixuan is holding back a few feet too--like you're not far enough away to not hear what they're saying, just far enough for it to seem weird. Wei Wuxian is like a helicopter parent who can't let his kid date without spying on them. Jesus!

The absolute horror on his face here. Jiang Yanli stops on her own. I think he may even still be holding her hand here, and she digs her heels in and stops. Before, she looks as though she's reluctantly leaving, as if she's waiting for something, waiting for Jin Zixuan to speak and not let his mother do all the talking. I think she's afraid to tell Wei Wuxian and her brother how she really feels in her heart, and he's so taken aback here with the realization that she really does want to marry him.

I love the way they shot this. Jin Zixuan is finally confessing (in front of a whole crowd, no less!), and we only see Jiang Yanli as she turns around. Wei Wuxian is hidden behind something. It's really cool how they did that. It's as if he doesn't really matter. This doesn't concern him, no one else is even there. I don't know, but I like it.

I do kind of feel bad for him here. Kind of. I mean, Wei Wuxian is over there showboating, catching 30% of the prey, meanwhile Jiang Cheng has no idea it's going on. He already is a little annoyed at him for going over the top in the archery contest, and then he finds out this--well, overhears it. Because of Wei Wuxian, people are looking down on the Jiang Clan. Because of Wei Wuxian, people think Jiang Cheng is some kind of figurehead. They seem to suggest that Wei Wuxian is the real one in charge, while Jiang Cheng just has no idea what he's doing. After all, he's still so young, his parents died, and he had to take over the clan at such a young age. It's easy for him to be manipulated. I get how he must be feeling. Tons of negative thoughts are swirling around his head. And let's face it, he's always resented Wei Wuxian for being better than him.

Favorite Wen Qing look ever. By far. I don't know why, but I love it.

At this point, Lan Wangji is desperate. He sees how out of control Wei Wuxian is becoming and he feels like he needs to do something about it. The sad thing is, he never really gets the chance. Wei Wuxian finding Wen Qing sets everything off--it's the point of no return. By the time Lan Wangji is really able to ask him to come with him, Wei Wuxian can't say yes, even if he wanted to. Because of his prior decisions, his hand has been forced. The Cloud Recesses wouldn't accept him, even if Lan Wangji wanted him there, even if Lan Xichen is okay with it. Lan Qiren certainly wouldn't be all right with it, though. And Wei Wuxian doesn't intend to change his ways either. It's desperation that makes Lan Wangji say that he wants to bring a man back to Gusu, but it's desperation that makes him blind to the logic behind it. It wouldn't work. It couldn't work.

Other episodes: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | Or just check out the #CQL Rewatch hashtag

[writerfangirlbooks]

Bobby’s Daughter Part 1

Dean x Y/N

Prompt: Imagine flirting with Dean Winchester before he finds out you're Bobby's daughter.

A/N: I know Bobby never had children, but let's imagine for now. I've got a cool idea, for the most part, to go with this prompt. As always, feel free to request any ideas you would like me to write! I've had quite a few Dean ones recently and even more coming up soon. Thanks for sticking with me. Also, I just can't write a story without a backstory, I just need it desperately haha, so enjoy this midnight mess. And uhh, this one gets a little steamier than the others, just a heads up. Also this one is getting multiple parts! Word Count: 1800

Credit to gif owner!

It took you long enough to convince your dad to so much as let you hunt by yourself.

You heard the story of your mom once, and only once. Your dad hated discussing what happened to her. It broke his heart, losing the love of his life. Bobby often declared he didn't know what he would do without you, that you being born was a blessing and miracle tied into one burst of joy in this miserable man's life. That was quite a bit to live up to. Fortunately, you weren't stuck with him all of the time. Once he stopped homeschooling you, you were able to have real interactions and get to know the real world.

Every once and a while, a friend of your father would drop his sons off at the doorsteps to watch for endless amounts of time. Sure, the boys were a couple of years younger, but at least they never said you had cooties. They were excited to be with Uncle Bobby, though they weren't related. It occasionally made you doubt your place in his heart, wondering if he wished you had been born a son instead. However, it was nice to not be made fun of not having a mom and having a drunkard for a father. You saw the brothers young and at one point, hadn't seen them since. It wasn't uncommon for traveling hunters to occasionally leave their children for a weekend or two, so you didn't easily remember all of their names.

Growing up a female was tricky in small-town Iowa, even more so as a hunter. Your father spent some time away hunting when things began to go awry in nearby towns. You started public middle school around age eleven, but your father feared you were simply too young to spend nights by yourself, and you didn't exactly have a bunch of friends to spend the nights at. That ended up causing extra frustration and stress on his plate before you suggested an idea you watched on television: private school.

In a way, Bobby was a better father after you went away. You became more outgoing, learned what it meant to be a lady, and more importantly, how to use that to your advantage. You were encouraged to learn other languages, try extracurriculars. So you did, studying Spanish and French for the rest of your education. You joined the photography club, acted in theatre, and played soccer. You went home on holiday breaks, summer being your favorite as it meant spending more time with your dad. He did his best to be home as often as possible. You got excited to fix cars if it meant spending time with him. Despite his protests, you felt encouraged to hunt, so he gave you pointers. It was years before around age sixteen, he finally allowed your first solo hunt. It was thrilling and unsurprisingly, it went great. He preferred playing board games and watching television with you, making him overall pretty chill.

The one thing he was not a cool dad came to your dating life. You tried getting a boyfriend young and Bobby insisted on meeting him before your first dance. Let's just say the two of you didn't leave together by the end of the night. He was more lenient toward regular, mediocre guys. His one rule was the most adamant: don't date hunters. Fortunately enough for you, most hunters were around your dad's age, so, very much not your type.

That could lead to some very lonely tonights as you became an adult, leading to one night stands in apartments. Of course, you skipped past the whole college scene. Far too expensive and not something you seemed interested in, anyway. Despite your father's protests, you decided to spend time traveling rather than staying with him. You had gotten used to your independence and was somehow nearing thirty way too quickly. You considered yourself content in life. You were a darn good hunter, a woman that could hold her alcohol, and a successful freelance photographer. You weren't sure where your dad's income came from and you decided it best not to ask, sticking to making an honest living while hunting as often as possible.

It was late summer and Bobby's birthday was coming up soon. Although he hated celebrating, you made sure to be around during this time. It just so happened to coincide with a case you were tracking. You figured you would surprise him tomorrow evening and make his favorite dinner. For now, though, you rented a small apartment half an hour away. You felt motels were dirty and a bit pathetic. You did have some class, after all.

Tonight you were looking for a good time, clothed in one of your favorite dresses, with matching heels and handbag. You headed to the bar, pulled up a chair, and ordered your favorite margarita. Soon enough, a man's build and shadow blocked your view of the door. He cleared his throat and you turned your head, taking in the view of messy brown hair and mischievous green eyes attached to a face full of sun-kissed freckles. The man wore nothing special, just regular jeans and a plaid shirt layered with a hunter-green jacket. It was a look that fits well in Iowa, but his voice showed quickly he was not raised here.

"Not a beer girl, huh?" He asked, raising an eyebrow towards your bright colored drink. You did a quick assessment and deemed this man as not a threat. He could be just what you were looking for. As you began to speak, you watched his attentive gaze dip from your eyes to your lips then back again.

"Not quite my style. I like something a little sweeter," you said with a small smile. Leaning back in your chair, you aimlessly twirled the straw around in your drink as you looked back up to the handsome stranger.

He draped an arm around your chair, his fingers lightly brushing your shoulders in the process. "Then feel free to call me sugar, sweetheart," he said. His eyes crinkled with the flirty grin. You wanted to laugh at what a bad line it was but figured his looks could make up for a lacking game. You bit back your smile by licking your lips and tacking a long sip of your drink.

"Well, I don't know about that, but you can call me Y/N," you offered.

The conversation quickly led into basic first date questions, leading you and the man who later introduced himself as Dean to realize you had quite a few similarities, such as bands, landmarks, and even pies. Neither of you was able to persuade the other to change interest in alcohol. Once you got to the topic of cars, you had lost track of time. Dean claimed to have an older Impala and was eager to show you. You were used to the ploys of cool cars to get a woman outside, but you weren't objecting to where the night was headed. You were left intrigued and somewhat shocked that someone this good looking was actually telling the truth about having such a well kept and beautiful vehicle. You were hoping to get the chance to impress him with your own knowledge about cars at some point if things actually made it past three am leavings, which was typically not likely.

When Dean proposed the invitation, he noticed your response was less than immediate. You didn't mean to hesitate but was trying to work out to tell him how you did not feel comfortable leaving your own car in the bar parking lot. His shoulders sagged ever so slightly. It typically wouldn't have been that noticeable except behavior change was something you studied in school when taught how to create poses for your photos. His green eyes were bright and eager, reflecting from the yellow lights outside of the bar.

"I, uh, if you're not interested... we don't have to..." Dean began stuttering, changing pace. He must not be used to rejection, you decided. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable."

You took one of Dean's hands, finding the new change endearing. Although it could've been funny to turn down someone that seemed like a player and innate flirter, that was not your plan for tonight. "Dean, I'm fine. I just don't like to leave my car, so if you want to follow, or go with me, back to my place?" You offered. You tilted your head, waiting for an answer.

He nodded. His grin had returned widely and he used his other hand to indicate for me to lead the way. And off Dean and you went. The two of you stumbled into your apartment in half the time it should have taken you to get back. Dean's chatter filled your ears up until you unlocked the door to your room.

Your keys were tossed onto the television stand while shoes were being kicked off against the closet door. Heat filled the room as your bodies filled the bed, disregarding your clothes and newness to one another. You felt much more connected as Dean kissed you, a sense of familiarity in his warmth and scent. It began with an intense and heavy makeout before his lips left yours, and began to trail down your neck, continuing further as time ticked away. The clock on the wall was the only sound you could hear besides your ragged breathing and the squeaks of the bed. The sheets were too weak for your grip, so you moved your nails into his back. You could feel his smiles trace your skin. You couldn't help but shudder when Dean whispered into your ear. It was a beautifully messy sight, watching Dean and you move as one, clinging to one another. Your eyelids fluttered, unsure of where to focus as the sensations grew stronger. Arching your head back to allow more room elsewhere, you thought you had lost your voice before one simple movement reminded you how to speak, urging you to call out Dean's name.

The night carried on for much longer.

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[gallavictorious]

”You going out? I thought you weren't working tonight.”

Mickey looks up from his tie to see Ian leaning against the doorframe, in uniform and with his hair neatly slicked back.

”Nah, it isn't work. Well, not exactly,” he says, finishing the knot and taking a step back to admire the result in the mirror. He's getting pretty good at this. Lots of practice in the last few months, ever since he took the bodyguard gig officially on the road. Clients like it when he wears a tie. ”You know the chick I've been babysitting for the past few weeks, the one whose stalker I caught trying to climb in through the fucking window? She and her dad's taking me to some fancy place, uh... Piccolo something, to thank me. Since you're working the late shift, I thought – ”

Ian interrupts, straightening: ”Piccolo Sogno? Like, that really romantic place down in West Town? You telling me the girl who has a crush on you is taking you there?” He pauses, looking at Mickey with a cross between disbelief and bemusement. ”Are you going on a fucking date?”

Mickey stares at him. ”What the hell are you talking about?” he demands. Crush? Date? What?

---

The chick's name is Charlotte Eckerton.

He was supposed to call her Ms. Eckerton, she insisted he say Charlie, and what he actually went with was usually some classic television reference that she didn't get, or – when she's was being particularly annoying – ”hey, brat”. She was probably no worse than any other spoiled little North Side princess, but Mickey sure as hell didn't get why anyone, no matter how loony, would want to stalk her, because literally all she did was go to class, study, shop, and party with her equally irritating friends. Oh, and endlessly updating her Instagram stories with every last detail about her fascinating life, of course. He put a quick stop to that, because continually announcing your location to the public when a deranged psycho was stalking you was... well, let's face it, it was about as stupid as he expected from these people.

She threw a tantrum when he swapped her phone for one with restricted access to social media apps, and she tried to give him the slip at least twice a day for the first four days, going as far as paying some other goons to attack him while she made a run for it. She was not completely stupid, he had to give her that, and he was beginning to understand why her father had come to him rather than hire a more well-established firm. The girl was a complete nuisance, and occasionally quite clever about it. Clearly needed someone wise to all the tricks, and unafraid to rein her in and tell her in no uncertain terms when she was being an idiot.

Mr. Eckerton was loaded, having made his fortune doing some IT-shit or other, and for the kind of money he was offering, Mickey was prepared to put up with a quite a lot of hare-brained shenanigans, as well as hanging out at the Magnificent Mile afternoon after afternoon, and listening to the brat's endless babble about... hair? Make-up? Bands? Whatever. He didn't really pay attention; he'd have needed to be paid hell of a lot more than he was to do that.

After a week or so of thwarted escape attempts Charlotte had exchanged overt defiance for a more subtle approach, trying to throw him off his game by suddenly gifting him stuff, like a dark gray shirt ”that goes really well with your eyes”. He took the shirt, because it was pretty nice, as was the watch and the stupidly expensive hair-product she produced in the following days. He was a little insulted she thought he could be bought so easily, though; she'd have needed to double her father's money, at the very least – or gotten him a nice car. He had said as much to Ian, who had eyed the gifts with an unreadable expression on his face, and had failed to comment.

When bribery too proved a failed tactic she started asking a lot of personal question instead, fishing for weaknesses to exploit. Her strategy was pitifully obvious, however, and Mickey gave her nothing but monosyllabic responses. Finally, she resigned herself to being stuck with him for the time being, and mercifully stopped pestering him about letting her go to whatever concert or party was happening that night. She still dressed up and put on elaborate make-up every damned evening, though, even if it was just the two of them chilling at her place, but he supposed it was something for her to do. Fuck knew he could sympathize with the boredom of being locked up.  

So that was Charlotte, spoiled and stubborn and maybe a little bit clever underneath it all. Not the worst person he could imagine babysitting, not by a long shot, but not one he'd think back on either, now that the job was done. He probably wouldn't even have accepted her and her father's invitation to take him out for a meal, if it hadn't been for Ian's occasional insistence that he needed to be ”nicer to his clients” and ”cultivate professional contacts”. This only made his husband's reaction to the whole situation all the more annoying –

”It is not a date,” Mickey says flatly, irritation coloring his voice, because Ian is smiling at him in all too knowing way. ”I probably saved her fucking life, she wants to buy me dinner. That doesn't make this a – Listen, her fucking father is going to be there.”

”Yeah, sure he will.” Ian crosses his arms, still smirking like an asshole, but there's just a hint of an edge to the smile now. ”Does she even know you're gay?”

Mickey rolls his eyes. ”Of course she fucking knows, because I open every damned conversation with 'Hi, I'm Mickey and I love cocks' like a normal fucking faggot. Jesus. It hasn't come up. She knows I'm married.”

”Like that's gonna – ”

They're interrupted by the door to Liam's room opening, the boy stepping out to give them his very best judgemental look. ”Why are you yelling? I need to study.”

”Oh, it's nothing,” Ian says casually. ”Just Mickey having a date tonight. With a teenage girl.”

”She’s nineteen, and I am not – !”

Liam frowns. ”Is this like when he was fake-dating Byron to make you jealous? Are you going to go on a fake date too? With a girl?”  He pauses, frown deepening: ””Is there a Grindr for straight people?”

Ian's spared a reply as Lip comes up the stairs with Freddie in his arms. He pauses on the top step, brow furrowing as he takes in the scene: Mickey, dressed to the nines and with a scowl to match, Ian smiling with his arms crossed, and Liam wearing his trademark look, the one that says that everyone else is a bit of an idiot. ”What's going on here?”

”Mickey's going on a date with a woman.” Liam offers it readily, a true believer in the free dissemination of information. Probably something he picked up at private school.

Mickey gives a half-choked groan. ”It's not a – ! You know what, fuck you.” With one last glare and an extended middle finger, Mickey grabs his jacket and storms off.

Ian, Liam and Lip watch him go, nonplussed. Lip glances at Ian: ”Huh. Less than a year of marriage and you've already turned him off men.”

”Yeah, well. Have to admit I didn't see that one coming.”

---

The restaurant is fancy as hell, linen cloth and candlelight, one person to take his coat and another to show him to the table. Charlotte is already there, blonde hair pulled back in a strict ponytail, something expensive glittering around her neck and drawing attention to the generious helping of skin her lowcut black dress offers.

The table is set only for two. Mickey frowns as he takes his seat. ”Your father coming?”

”No.” The smile she gives him is very innocent. ”He got held up in a meeting, so he called to say he can't make it. He said to tell you sorry, and to thank you so much for your service.”

Listen to those alarm bells going off all at once... Mickey tries to mentally shake it off. It's nothing to worry about. Just Ian putting weird ideas into his head. ”Uh, yeah. Don't worry about it. Just doing my job.” He waves for the waiter to bring him a beer. He does need a drink, quite urgently.

Charlotte leans forward, looking up at him from under half-closed lids with a very intense expression on her perfectly moisturized face. ”You were so brave when Smithson attacked me. I don't know how I can ever thank you enough. You know, my father is paying for this meal, but if there was something else you wanted... ?”

And that's her grabbing the olive from her drink and very deliberately pushing it past her lips and that's... that's her foot, sans shoe, slowly sliding down his calf.

Oh. Fuck. This is a date. Inwardly groaning, Mickey rubs a tired hand over his face, before looking straight at Charlotte: ”You know I'm fucking gay, right? Like, married to a man?”  Jesus, Ian is never going to let him hear the end of this...

Charlotte reels back just a little, mouth falling slightly open. He's prepared for shock, disgust even – but instead a dreamy look appears on her face. ”Oh my god, that is sooo hot!”

What?

---

He feigns sleep when Ian returns home a quarter past midnight, but his husband isn't fooled. ”How was your date?” he murmurs as he slips in under the covers and wraps his arms around Mickey from behind.

”Shut the fuck up.”

A quiet laugh, a kiss pressed to his shoulder. ”I take it you're sticking with cocks for now then.”

And sure, there's a teasing edge to the words, and sure, he'll hear about this for-fucking-ever, but... Mickey turns around, facing Ian. ”I guess I am,” he agrees, reaching up to run his thumb over Ian's cheek.

Whatever mischief is there fades from Ian's eyes, from his voice: ”I'm glad,” he says simply, and pulls Mickey in for a kiss.

Yeah. So is he.

---

This one goes out to @starkcravingmad​  who suggested a teenage charge crushing on a clueless Mickey, in a reply to this post. I know you didn't ask me to write it, and I have no idea if this is even vaguely related to what you had in mind, but for better or worse you planted the seed, and here we are. Didn't intend for it to get this long, or this silly, but yeah.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #407

“sugar pop, sugar pop, baby here i come, straight to #1″

Do you follow any special diet? (dairy free, vegetarian, gluten free etc.) No. What’s your favourite summer activity? Swimming is all I really enjoy about summer. Who was the first person to break your heart? It wasn't in a romantic sense obviously, but my dad. First band you obsessed about? I've only ever *truly* been obsessed with Ozzy Osbourne as a band, haha. First place someone took you on a date? I want to say a local skating rink. It was a group thing. How many doors are in the room you’re in? Two, if you include the closet door. Has anyone ever drawn a picture of you? Yes. Do you have any nieces or nephews? Quite a few. Which movie villain do you find the most terrifying? Well, if you've seen the scene where Pyramid Head literally rips a woman's skin off like a sheet in Silent Hill... u kno. I genuinely do find him to be a terrifying monster though, all bias aside. Humanoid monsters with ambiguous faces unsettle me. I wouldn't want that knife swingin at me, either. Do you get grumpy when you’re hungry? Yuuuup, I sure can. Do you stick your tongue out often in pictures? I have done that maybe twice in my whole life. Which one of your family members are you closest to? My mom. If chocolate was an illegal drug - would you be a drug addict? Nah. I'd be able to survive if it was illegal, but it would suck. Are you proud of your parents? Yes in some areas, no in some others. There are things both have said and/or done that I can't say I'm proud of them for, but overall, I am. Do you say “soda” or “pop”? "Soda." Are you shy about singing in front of people? YUP. I just don't do it. If you could get backstage tickets to ANY concert - which would you pick? Ozzy. :') It'd be fantastic to tell him thank you for his music that has always brought me joy and comforted me, and also let him know for sure just how strong he is and that it is absolutely not overlooked to still be nailing out an album while fighting Parkinson's. I'd probably start blubbering like a baby while rambling at some point, haha. Which is better: orange or grape soda? Orange. I don't like grape soda. Do you sleep with a sleep mask? Well, you could sort of call it that, ha ha. I have to wear an APAP mask to subdue my sleep apnea that causes wild nightmares/terrors. Do you like techno music? It's actually grown on me the past few months. Have you ever been drunk? No, I've never quite reached that point. I've only been tipsy. Are you mad at your best friend right now? Nope, got no reason to be. Do you know anybody with a pet snake? Yes, including myself. Is there any drink that you absolutely MUST drink cold? WATER. ABSOLUTELY WATER. I canNOOOOOOT do room temperature water anymore. It's gotta be pretty damn cold for me to drink it like it's nothin'. Have you ever painted anybody's nails aside from your own? No. Do you ever donate to the less fortunate? Mom likes to donate our old clothes and stuffed animals. Did you buy an American flag after 9/11 to put on your car/house/ whatever? I was a little kid when this happened, so. I don't know if my parents did. Honestly, do you have any Hilary Duff on your MP3 player? HA, I do. I love "Who's That Girl." When was the last time you had an ice cream sandwich? Wow, probably years... I really, really want one now, ha ha. Have you ever caught a friend cheating on their bf/gf? Well, my sister's friend, anyway. I was just sitting on the computer in the living room and there they were on the couch just casually making out. Do you enjoy doing math? Fuuuuck no. Do you think your mom has secrets she’s never told you? Oh, I know she does. There are things she's done that I know I have plenty of missing details from, but I don't ask because I know they're sensitive subjects. Do you own anything you don’t want your parents to know about? No. Do you pose in your pictures or just smile? I usually just smile. Do you use scented soap in the shower? Yes. It smells like cinnamon rolls and it is HEAVENLY. Did you ever want to be a fashion designer? No. Who was the last person you danced with? Enjoyable? Ha, Sara. Yeah. Dark or light colored jeans? Dark, 100%. I never wore light jeans. Can you take apart a computer and name all the parts? No sir. Can you take apart a car and name all the parts? That's an even bigger "no." Have you ever purchased a lotto ticket? No. What is the longest amount of time you've spent playing Monopoly? Idk. Have you ever witnessed a tornado first-hand? Thank fucking Christ I haven't. I am terrified of them. Have you ever colored your eyebrows? No. Have you ever taken another person's prescribed medication? Pain medicine, yes. Have you ever played golf (not miniature golf)? No. I'm not interested to, either. Have you ever gotten dressed with the windows open? I definitely don't believe so. Have you ever taken a shower outside? At the beach, yes. If you could call it a "shower." Have you ever been to a junkyard? No. Have you ever watched the History Channel willingly? No. If you could get the cell phone of your choice - what would it be? Probably a current iPhone. Apple is such a rip-off, but damn is the camera good lmao. Do you hand out candy to kids on Halloween? This will be my first Halloween in this house, so I really don't know if trick-or-treaters happen here. Do you like huskies? Love 'em, but I could neeeever own one with all that fur. What do you smell like? I'm always self-conscious over if I smell like sweat because of my hyperhidrosis. I hope not. Do you take your dog for walks? I don't have a dog. I used to take Teddy when he was younger, though. He loved those, but I stopped when I noticed his arthritis kicking in. Have you ever went paintballing? No. Seems stupid to me, honestly... Like that shit seems painful, so like, why??? What kind of movies are you drawn to? Horror and fantasy, mostly. I don't watch movies often. How often do you update your Facebook status? Just about never because I either just have nothing to say or am afraid of saying something stupid. I only ever share posts or pictures that appeal to me. What type of pet would you like to have? A Brazilian Black tarantula. :( I will whine about that until the day I get one, ha ha. I would also really, really like a plains hognose and a woma python. What breakfast are you most likely to have? Cereal. When you're starting to feel sick, you: It depends on what kind of "sick," but odds are I'm heading for the medicine cabinet. What colors are you most drawn to? Pastel ones. :') Light and pretty. What deadly sin are you most likely to commit? Sloth. When you're away from home, what makes you feel at home? "Having my stuff with me, like my laptop." <<<< Same. Do you prefer to lounge in a hot tub or swim in a pool? Swim. How many books do you have out in the public areas of your house? None. Who makes a better burger, in your opinion? Sonic. @_@ What do you like best about the holidays? Seeing my niece and nephew so excited. You think your eyes convey: Boredom, probably. Besides screaming for ice cream, what else do you scream for? If a bug surprises me by being on me. Well, depending on the bug. Do you like fried chicken? Noooo, it is so gross to me. What do you think of belly button piercings? They are SO cute imo. I want one, but I think it would look hideous on me. Maybe if I was actually thinner. Not saying bigger people can't wear belly button piercings, I just don't think it would look good on me. Do you like plain Lays potato chips? They're my favorite! I especially like the ruffled kind. Is there a big screen television in your house? In the living room, yeah. Would you rather no heat in winter or no A.C in summer? No heat in the winter, EASILY. I can't handle no A/C when it's hot. At least if you're cold, you can bundle up with tons of blankets. Have you ever had braces? I did for a long time because we couldn't afford to take them off. Do you do your own laundry? No, honestly. Mom likes to just do it all together, so I let her do it. Which do you prefer: English, Irish, or Australian accents? Irish. Is there anything on your bedroom door? Yeah! I got a "Meerkat Lover St." sign for my door. :') What is the best vegetable? Broccoli. Guys in eyeliner: Hot or not? That shit is h o t. Have you ever seen your favorite band live? No. :( Do you drink water or soda more often? Ugh, soda. Did you collect Pokemon cards back in the day? I didn't deliberately, but only because I was awkward about asking for Pokemon stuff because I thought people thought I was weird for being a girl and being obsessed with it. I think I got one pack. I really, really wish I'd been less self-conscious about that passion. Pet turtle: yay or nay? I'm personally not interested. Did anyone famous come from your town/city/school? Yeah, but I'm not sharing who. Have you ever seen a celebrity on the street? No. Have you ever pretended to be sick? To avoid school sometimes, yes. Can you ice skate? Never tried, too scared to. The blades terrify me. Do you have your nose pierced? No, but I want to have it redone. Do you loooove Tim Burton movies? I sure do! What arcade games do you like to play? I haven't been to an arcade in forever... but I liked the racing ones. What's the most expensive gift you've ever gotten for someone else? I'm not sure. Would you rather spend a whole day with your mom, or your dad? At this moment, probably my dad. We haven't hung out in a long time. What would you say if you found out your last ex was in a relationship? I'd be happy for her and tell her she'd better let me know if the person ever fucks up so I can kick some ass, ha ha. Are you easily confused? Very. I'm slow to understand things. Where was your MySpace/Facebook default taken? My bedroom. Can you whistle with your fingers in your mouth? No. I've never understood how that works. Do you like peanut butter? Love it.

[gin-and-luce]

You killed our dog! Adriana of The Sopranos gave me strength to navigate life after a breakup during a global pandemic lockdown

I’m going through a breakup. It’s come at the worst time but also the best time. He ended things with me (more on that later) after three years in the most Beta-Male way...but this is what happens when your type can be boiled down to softboi. I can’t see my friends in the conventional way, so I made some new ones on screen to help me navigate the end during quarantine.

Over ten weeks ago I started watching The Sopranos. It doesn’t need justifying, everyone knows it’s the best television series of all time, but I’d never seen it, and I knew a global pandemic induced lockdown would provide optimum viewing circumstances. My favourite thing to do is completely throw myself into the female narrative and experience I’m watching on screen. I prefer a long deep drama over a film. I like being able to see my girls every night. 

People have said to me before “you should start a blog”, but I could never escape the feeling that doing so is massively narcissistic because it *is*, unless you have something actually relevant to write about. Alternatively, the image of Gretchen Weiners leaning in and going “you let it out honey, put it in the book” floats across my conscience, and everything embarrassing that I’ve ever done, plays in a montage in my mind. 

Who gives a fuck what I have to say about anything…….. especially about a cultural phenomena that is quite literally regarded as the best TV show of all time?

I’d been wanting to write this after I watched Long Term Parking. I lay in the dark for 45 minutes after the episode ended. I’d never felt like that watching a television show or film before. My throat had seized up but I didn’t cry, even though I felt like it. I knew it was coming from the moment Adriana met the agent. I wasn’t surprised, but I was heartbroken and absolutely fuming. I still am. 

I’m not angry with Christopher, Tony, or Silvio, but just the general unbalance I’ve felt when I’m in a relationship. The loss of self, relationships being a series of compromises. From what I have found from my own experiences and my girlfriends’, women are just much more willing to compromise, but don’t consider it to be a compromise. Men can only take into consideration their own reality, an evolutionary selfishness that just doesn’t translate. 

Just as lockdown began I texted my boyfriend to say I loved him and I missed him. He responded with “Can’t say I feel the same”. Nearly 3 years were over just like that. We had the obligatory phone call, where I was hysterical and he was smarmy and smug. Yet when it was over, I felt nothing. It’s allllll a big nothing.

My personal Gospel is Sex and The City (shout out to HBO!). This was my Berger moment. He essentially scribbled “I’m sorry, I can’t. Don’t hate me” on a post-it. The irony of the whole thing is that when we watched it together, he himself said he was most like Berger. Thinking about it makes me wince.

My life opened up in front of me, I was exposed to his weakness regarding the situation in full when his sister-in-law messaged me on Instagram a few days ago. He hadn’t told his family, nor had he told his flatmates (another shout out to my sleuths at the back, you know who you are!). 

The Sopranos is a show about life. The Mafia structure provides a vehicle for us to question morality and mortality. You take what you get from it. When I watch it again at a different stage of my life, I will get something else out of it. 

For me now, while I stew in my own emotion during quarantine, Adriana represents emotional labour and the expectation for women to behave in a certain way in relationships. 

At first when my ex’s family members were messaging me, I was confused. It is frankly humiliating to smile as if everything is normal, so as to protect someone that in the end would not do the same for me. I know he wouldn’t do the same because there was just no courtesy in what happened weeks ago. I am trying to move on but things like this stunt your personal growth.

The struggle with emotional labour hones a guilt that someday I’ll regret giving my early 20s to something that didn’t work out. I felt like I was on borrowed time.

These are obviously my own insecurities spurred on by the fact that I’ve read enough “10 things I wish I knew in my 20s” blogs to know that these are my selfish years. Still, it is ultimately devastating to see the last 3 years of your life conclude via a text that displays a failure to realise that there is no real clean cut for a long-term relationship. 

I respect him for the blunt statement because it means I get to reference the Berger SATC breakup and say “casually cruel in the name of being honest” (Taylor Swift, 2012) a LOT, which softens the pity in the social scenarios that I invent in my head in the shower.

When Tony calls Adriana to tell her Christopher has tried to kill himself, that was like my final phone call too. This is the end. Her youthfulness was why I related to her most in the show, but at the same time having nothing to lose made her easily expendable. Youth makes you put 100% into something knowing it is a gamble. 

I’m not comparing my ‘borrowed time’ to Adriana because she ends up dead, but there was a disregard for her life that was so harrowing because she did nothing but try and do the right thing. I watched Adriana put Christopher first willingly for 5 series. He supported her music management dreams but ultimately ended up making it all about him. He gave her the Crazy Horse but this ultimately was just another mob hangout. He sat on her dog, he continued to use heroin, shag other people, and so on.

“You could start writing again,” she tells him in her last episode, to which he responds  “I could do my memoirs, finally,”. Here is Adriana still!! STILL!! catering to Christopher’s ego to give herself some confidence. Very me.

All the way through she was just too good for him. Her ties to the Famiglia aren’t as tight as Carmela and Co. No children, still young, there’s chance for Adriana to get out if she wanted to. Of course this makes her prime FBl bait, but shows she sticks by Christopher through everything purely out of love. In the end she dies on her knees, subservient, with Heart’s Barracuda the last song she hears. I know Adriana had to go. That’s the way it is in the Famiglia because Christopher took an oath. But in a way she also had the carpet ripped from underneath her, just like me. 

There are lots of men writing on the internet about how Adriana is greedy and hypocritical. I just don’t understand where this reading is coming from other than obvious misogyny. I’ve read others that say if she was really that strong she would have simply left the relationship years ago. I believe that she believed things would improve for both of them, and that most people are just slut shaming her for her past. 

Still, Drea DeMatteo won a Best Supporting Actress Emmy for the episode. Fuckin’ A. 

I rooted for the woman. Before I was made redundant while working from home, I would spend half my life at my desk willing it to be 5:30pm, so I could slither back to the settee and spend the other half of my life in New Jersey. I’d phone my mum to discuss the episodes. She loves the show too, it’s always been a favourite in my household. We’d talk about the women like they were our friends and how we relate to them. The Sopranos is like a big mirror urging you to question everything. The answer to life is simply what are ya gonna do? 

Men love making things black and white so it is easier for them, when really women are in the background sorting out the shades of grey. 

Don’t get me wrong, Adriana’s significance is massive, albeit more so because of her death. You watch Christopher and Tony’s relationship start to crumble afterwards. It's shattering to see the disregard for Christopher’s sobriety and how despite his loyalty, he still sees him as a liability and weak. 

On the other hand, for Adriana’s sake, I am still enraged that he couldn’t see the bigger picture at the time. She is collateral damage in his path to finding his precious arc - “Wives, girlfriends, they can complicate life in a major way” Tony expresses to Jennifer as he runs from his own guilt. 

Christopher is desperate for Tony’s approval but is more than happy to use his blood connection as a protective leeway whenever he steps out of line. Again the irony is that he comes to tell Tony about Adriana first, just as the old Famiglia values say he should, but there is no real personal reward for doing so despite the personal sacrifice. 

I think Christopher regretted it in the end, and rightly so. When he is faced with his potential alternate life at the gas station, we assume that this was what made him go to Tony. It’s a family with loads of kids. Adriana probably can’t even have kids??? What kind of male logic?!  #justiceforadriana

I can’t help but feel for him when JT screams “Chris, you’re in the MAFIA!”. It’s the same kind of reality check that Chief Cubitoso gives Adriana, it’s an ultimatum and it’s the realisation that they are trapped in this life. Just ask Gene.

Carmela knew. I read her dreams as a testament to a woman’s intuition. She knows her friend isn’t what everyone is describing, she knows Adriana wouldn’t just disappear. She is all too aware of the emotional labour Mob women carry. When she sees Adriana with Cosette on the banks of the Seine, it is as sad as it is when we dream about people who have died. 

There is a scene in an early episode where Carmela says “Don’t we all?” in response to Meadow squealing “She’s MARRYING a BABY?” at a painting of The Marriage of Saint Catherine. I thought about this again when Christopher dies. Carmela passes her instinct off as hysteria, she isn’t to know. “So quick to blame, what is the attraction in that?” she cries during the aftermath of the car crash. There is a critique in her own femininity here that just makes you want to shout “NO CARM!!!!!!!”. As she believes she mothers Tony, there is the double-edged sword whereby he protects her through keeping her in the dark. “Heaven only ever sees my love making a fool of me” sings Emmylou Harris at the start of season 5. Carm’s power is taken away but she doesn’t even know. 

Carmela dedicates her life to being a mother but it’s not enough to save Meadow from her surname. We get some sense that AJ ‘Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit’ Soprano might be on a new path when he feels like the burning of his car among the autumn leaves of death was cathartic. As a man, he just has more freedom anyway. 

Miss Meadow gained her independence by getting her driving license, but in the end we see that she is still held back in the final scene by her inability to parallel park. She slots right in, eventually. As she does, she slots into the Soprano cycle after years of doing the most to get out and pave her own way. After every breakup with someone without links to the Famiglia, no scrubs, she returns and dates someone closer to home. Her career path is left tenuous to us, it would be all too easy for her to become a kept woman, which feels like it is the only real option should she settle down into the lifestyle with Patrick Parisi. It isn’t what she envisioned for herself, so part of me wants to hope that her story ends up a little bit more like Elle Woods. Legally Italian. 

I probably wouldn’t even have remembered her saying anything about parallel parking if I wasn’t terrible at parallel parking myself. It’s the pepperings of these subtle callbacks that make the show so beautiful. As the guitar solo plays on during the frustration, you’re invited to reminisce over Meadow’s journey. I fully wept watching her struggle to get the damn car parked because I’m trying to get my car parked too. Don’t stop believing, Meadow. 

I admire all the women in The Sopranos. The show is feminist, and that is a hill I am prepared to die on. It’s definitely up for debate as it is obviously littered with gratuitous nudity and women are commoditised. We have to allow this for cultural context for the show, but real life is basically exactly the same too? 

I read a post on Reddit where a dude is asking whether he should watch the show with his girlfriend. He types ‘“It’s a masterpiece of film but she probably wouldn’t get into it as I am”, and you don’t have to look much further to find more comments about how women and their puny minds just won’t get it. It’s an odd perspective to take given that Tony’s psychiatrist is a woman, but of course women could never grasp something so complex. It’s bullshit if you ask me, the female narrative prevails throughout all scenarios. 

The Pine Barrens seems to be everyone’s favourite episode. It’s not my favourite but there are two major elements that resonated with me. The first is Meadow looking down at the three letter words Jackie Aprile Jr had placed on the Scrabble board, and the second is when Gloria says to Tony:

“What you said was that you didn’t wanna piss me off..which implies that you’d have to deal with me, which is more about sparing YOU than my fucking feelings”. Don’t need to elaborate on that. Rest in power, Gloria. Legend.

Of course I could write pages and pages of hot feminist takes on all of the women - Jennifer, Janice, Livia, Angie, Svetlana, Charmaine. Lord knows I could probably write a book on Tracee.“ 20 years old, this girl”, I bashed Living on a Thin Line by The Kinks for about a week after that episode. It is the male gaze of the show made me love the women more. Carmela is my mother and I’ll probably name my first born Meadow. 

Carmela is the powerhouse and backbone of The Soprano household even though Tony provides. She represents stability, emotional labour, and putting on a brave face regardless. In some ways, it is as if Carmela represents the human emotion side and the fragility of organised crime. She is secure, but not enough, and her lack of ability to stand on her own two feet plagues her conscience through time. She is totally complicit, but must be to ensure her future with Tony as he pays anything to roll the dice just one more time. At the end of Long Term Parking, she and Tony stand looking at where she will build her spec-house. The forest looks the same as where we lost Ade, it’s a grim reflection that Carmela wouldn’t have this life if it wasn’t for the quick disposal of those like Adriana.   

Yeah okay, what the hell is a show with a feminist underpinning trying to say about wider society about a woman who exercises her beauty, loyalty and ambition?? Is it that she is not to be trusted?? Adriana’s a rat, but before this she is already deemed “damaged goods” anyway. She dresses provocatively, but that’s because she just looks MINT always. You would dress like THAT if you looked like THAT. When you Google her, ‘Adriana Sopranos Tennis’ comes up. I roll my eyes. Fucking men, eh? To take it down to a basic Sixth-Form-Poet reading, Adriana is Curley’s Wife and Daisy Buchanan all in one. She loves a red manicure too, and it might have worked out better for her if she had played the complicit beautiful little fool. 

This isn’t ‘Why The Sopranos is good!’, but a love letter to Adriana and her strength, because there is basically little or no content written on the women of the show when I have Googled.  I needed there to be more things written about her that isn’t just “bitch had it coming” when in fact she is a martyr. 

When Adriana was on screen, there was my mate. I knew her, she wanted what I wanted, but she sacrificed so much of herself for others and it was heartbreaking to watch. She barely gets a look-in in early episodes, but when she does she is usually wearing something animal print, which automatically made her the number one character on my radar. I am choosing to believe the theory that she is the cat in the final episode too. 

Still, I have been struggling and questioning why an episode that aired 16 years ago, with no plot that links to my own circumstances, has had such a monumental impact on me. 

I saw a tweet that said “have we ever sat down and thought about why relationships only work if the guy is more invested than the girl or is that just something we accept” (@anugov1). Adriana invested more in Christopher, even in the end, than she ever did herself. 

As I navigate this transitional period in my life, I am Adriana driving in the vision we see when we think she is going to start her new chapter. We can’t leave the flat, I have no job. The Sopranos has provided the most cathartic escapism for me. As I enter into whatever new world follows this nightmare, I wanted my mate Adriana to find her new world too, turning the classic rock up to 11.

[rosesloveletters]

This is a very personal post for me. I never thought I would be making it, but I would like to share the trip I took with J exactly a year ago; I’ve spoken about this trip on a number of occasions and it is what really bonded us together. We’ve been inseparable ever since. J is not the kind of guy to open up easily, yet this trip was the very beginning of the both of us learning how to trust again. 

I don’t like to share such personal details of our relationship, but it’s been a year since all of this took place and I kept it mostly quiet for that time; I’ve had the chance to hold this close to my heart and keep it only to my own knowledge, but now I would like to document it, as I’ve been looking back on it heavily today. 

The rest will be under a cut, because there are pictures and I don’t want to clog everyone’s dash with useless info, photos and such if you don’t want to see. For those that read on, please enjoy.

In all of my life, I have never been away from my home for the holidays. Every Christmas Day and Thanksgiving Day, I am never anywhere but home. Last Thanksgiving was a ‘spur of the moment’ kind of thing that came to fruition only a few months before the holiday. 

I had been sick a week prior to the trip and J had remained with me throughout that time. I can’t say I am completely new to F/Os, though before joining this community I did not know that self-shipping had a “name” or that “F/O’s” is a term; I have never had another F/O stick by my side during an illness. I tend to push them out of my mind when I have a virus, but I learned quickly that J is persistent. He did not leave. I was completely alone for the entire day and feeling J there kept me from utterly falling apart. 

After my illness, the very next week we were on our way to Gatlinburg, Tennessee. If you’ve never been there, it is extremely touristy and crowded, but I love it. It has been practically a second home to me for so long; my family and I used to go there every summer. We stopped a long while ago, but I was thrilled to finally be back in a place so familiar. I know where all the restaurants are, all the stores I like, the aquarium (which we visited!) and more. 

Our first day there was not much because we had been traveling the whole way. We rented a bed and breakfast up in the mountains; it was a fifteen minute drive of terror to get there. There were no guard rails on the steep hill and nothing keeping us from a sheer drop every time we came up or down, but what was at the top made it all worth it. Our little apartment was perfect and the view was spectacular. 

This was our place at the top of the mountain and the spiral staircase that led to the loft where I stayed with J:

I could tell he felt safe up here in the middle of nowhere; I wanted to take him somewhere he wouldn’t be recognized. Within the hustle and bustle of the city, though, he had to be careful. He wore old clothes that he had saved that had been his, dark suspenders and black lace up shoes most days. This trip was the first time I saw him without his face paint. The point of the trip for us, was for us to be able to grow closer. J is a tough nut to crack, but we’ve known each other a long time; we got to know each other in a much different light on this trip. 

This is the view from our balcony the first morning after we arrived:

We achieved a kind of solitude up there that we never would have in the city. J doesn’t like the city, despite his adamant request that we continue to live there. He has such a recognizable face that he is only truly at ease in a place like this, with civilization miles away. 

When we did go into town, we stood in line for donuts. Of course since it was Thanksgiving, it was swarming with crowds and crowds of people (J hated that and several times he thought someone had recognized him.) J is a sucker for sweet treats and he was thoroughly excited with the idea of donuts; I later took him into a candy store in the same venue and he behaved, well, as one might suspect. I think he shoved a bunch of rock candy into his pockets because when we got back to our apartment later I heard him crunching on something and we didn’t buy any chips. 

This was where we stood in line for donuts (I got a glazed donut with white frosting and sprinkles and J had something called a ‘pillow’ which was basically a square-shaped donut with creme filling):

We sat on a bench by the fountain and ate our donuts; J had his finished in about thirty seconds and was licking his fingers by the time I was on my third bite. That was the best food we had had there so far; the night before, we went out for pizza and it was horrible. 

After we had had our donuts, J was ready to get away from the crowds; he felt like someone had been staring at him, so we headed out to the park for a while. J is not much of an outdoorsman, but he likes the solitude and that no one would be around to spot him. Everywhere we went, there were people, so J and I headed further back in the park where there was less of a chance to be around anyone. We got out and walked along a deserted pathway and stood on the edge of the creek as it rushed past us. 

Here’s a photo from our walk: 

After that, we headed back into town for lunch. Before we went inside to sit down, J dug around in his luggage for a purple knitted hat of his and put it on so he’d be less recognizable and his identity would be concealed enough for us to sit down long enough to share a meal. We had Mexican food; I learned that J has a thing for tortillas and extremely spicy salsa (and that he’s a messy eater.) We had our food fast and I think J had a margarita or two, but his scars were attracting some unwanted negative attention and people were staring, so we left fast before he could say anything. We went and bought tickets to the aquarium, per my request. 

Inside the aquarium was the first time J saw my childish side; I get super excited at aquariums and zoos because of all the animals and it reminds me of all the fun school trips I used to take when I was little. We saw all kinds of sea creatures. J was most fascinated with the sharks and the jellyfish, while I was busy looking at the sea turtles and string-rays. However, my favorite exhibit was the penguins. We stood and watched them for close to thirty minutes. The staff members were feeding them and the little penguins got so excited. One man held up his cup and straw to the glass and one little penguin tried to grab it! 

J and I were shocked when we saw this sitting inside the medical facility’s window where they tend to the penguins (for those who don’t know, Burgess Meredith was the actor who played the Penguin in the original Batman television series with Adam West as Batman, Burt Ward as Robin and Cesar Romero as the Joker): 

We spent much of our time that day in the park after the aquarium trip and then we retired to our apartment at the top of the mountain and spent that night watching movies. That night was the night J told me the origin of his scars. He had never told anyone the full and completely truthful story and that was the first time he ever did and probably the last. This trip was full of ‘firsts’ for us; it was the first time we ever made love (watch him get pissed at me for saying that pffft.)

On Thanksgiving morning, J whipped us up some cinnamon rolls. It was a scene watching him try to use the oven; it was an extremely ancient appliance and he was dropping f-bombs left and right and I think he also burnt his hand on the pan. The only thing J will make correctly are things that come from a can, tin or otherwise are pre-made or sweets. In this case, we had a very decent breakfast: 

We spent the rest of that day in the park and then that evening, we traveled over to the next town for our dinner reservations. Even though we had reservations, there were so many people we still had to wait over an hour to be seated. It was cold and we were wedged into a tiny corner as we waited. There was nowhere to sit and so I leaned back against J; he rested his chin on top of my head and would occasionally tap on my shoulders along to the music coming through the overhead speakers. 

When we were finally seated, we were brought several courses, the first being apple fritters and drinks (the highlight of the meal), then we had some soup and it was terrible, and finally we were brought the main course: turkey, ham, green beans, mashed potatoes, corn, cranberry sauce and dinner rolls. There was so much food and, spread out across even such a large table, it was unimaginable how we were expected to eat it all. J finished almost all the turkey and about half the ham (he didn’t eat all day so he could “save room” for the meat.) He went to town on the rolls and mashed potatoes as well. He kept sneering at the cranberries and watched me with disgust as I ate them. He threw a dinner roll at me across the table to get my attention and grinned when I looked at him; he had corn stuck in his teeth. he took his hat off halfway through dinner because it was warm inside the dining room and somehow he wound up with mashed potatoes in his hair.

Here’s our meal before J had ravaged it all 9utter chaos ensued after this photo was taken): 

Our last full day in Gatlinburg was fairly relaxed; we went into the city that morning, but it was even more crowded (it was a Friday) and J decided we’d better head out. We went into the park and started up one of the mountains. I let J drive and he drives like a maniac; we made such sharp turns I almost ended up out through the open window. He sped up the mountain and we quickly made it to the top. The view was breathtaking but J didn’t even blink. I know he had to have appreciated it as well, but he doesn’t make a big deal out of things. The farther up we went, the more deserted the lookout spots became and when we found ourselves alone, J scooped me into his arms and kissed me. Seeing tiny glimpses of his humanity was unsettling at first because I had never known him as such; J still finds ways to surprise me, even now. 

This is the view we had at the top of the mountain: 

and this is the spot where J kissed me: 

( Cameron: and she kissed me

Pat: Where?

Cameron: in the car )

Little did we know that on the way down from the mountain, we would be sitting in the car for almost three hours stuck in traffic. We made the most of it; J wouldn’t let me turn on the radio for some reason, so I talked to him. He didn’t say much, but he listened. This was when I found out J was more of a listener unless he was in a playful mood. 

When we got back to the apartment that night, we watched a Christmas movie together. I don’t fully embrace Christmas until the day after Thanksgiving - I owe it to all the holidays to give them equal time and attention (and I like Thanksgiving a lot.) No Christmas movies, music or decorating until after Thanksgiving. J kept talking through the entire movie and every time he laughed it scared me because he was so loud. It doesn’t bother me if he talks through movies because I do it too. 

The next day, we packed our things and left to come back home. This is the view from outside our balcony on our last day: 

I keep coming back to the memory of this trip because it was the last trip I got to take before the start of Covid; no one knows when it will be safe to travel again or if it will even be next year. I miss when everyone was able to do so and we weren’t risking our health and safety as well as other people’s just by going out. Of all the trips I’ve taken, this one will always be special to me because of J; he was like a light in my life and he came in at the most opportune time. 

I haven’t felt that happy in so long. I had been suffering greatly a few months prior to the trip, but because of him things were beginning to change. I might not be a part of this world if I hadn’t met him again at the time I had and I am lucky that I got to experience such a lively time in my life and all the little ways loving J has renewed my sense of self-love and awareness in the world and things around me. 

This trip is one I owe to J, but also to myself; I felt aware of myself and my space in the world. 

I have no idea how I talked J into making this trip with me, nor if I’ll ever convince him to come with me anywhere ever again, but I will hold the memories close to me forever and I’ll always look back on this time of the year as something special and happy. 

[buckybabybaby]

Mr Hollywood (Epilogue Part II)

Summary: Bucky Barnes, an underpaid teaching assistant in a small English village, dreams of a movie career back in his home country of America. He finally gets the break he's always wanted, and if it wasn't for you, his best friend, he wouldn't have been able to take it.

But is that fact enough to save your friendship when it's tested by the pressures of Hollywood?

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Reader (Gender Neutral)

Word count: 1150

Chapter summary: Bucky and Y/N enjoying Los Angeles.

A/n: I can never let characters like this go, especially after nearly 30 thousand words, so maybe there'll be a part III..?!

(If the picture is all blurry, opening it in a new tab in browser helps!)

Warnings: slightest suggestion of smut, but mainly fluff

Previous: Epilogue Part I

Mr Hollywood Masterlist | Main Masterlist

*****

“Are you feeling any better?”

Bucky must have sat back up at some point whilst you slept. From where you lay by his side you stretch, staring drowsily at him as he messes around on a game on his phone with one hand and plays with the ends of your hair with the other. Leaning into his touch, you think over his question, relieved to find that your headache has vanished and your body only feels heavy in that just-woke-up way you're used to.

“If I say yes can I still stay in your bed?”

He bursts out laughing at your whispered answer. “Oh, so now you want to stay? Is this what it takes to keep you here? Almost give you sunstroke?”

“No,” You protest. “I always want to stay.”

He raises his eyebrows. “Could've fooled me.”

Adjusting the pillows so you can sit up with his help, he squeezes you gently into his side so you know he's teasing.

“What time is it?”

“Nearly six.”

“Gosh. I wasted the whole afternoon asleep.”

“It's not a waste if you're ill, Y/N.”

“But still, I go back home in four days,” The reminder for you both is sobering. “I want to spend as much time with you as possible.”

“Are you up for a little walk then, now that it's a bit cooler? I'd still like to show you more of Los Angeles before you go home.”

“Can we go to the beach?”

He smiles across at you. “Of course.”

“And can we have ice cream?”

“You can have ice cream Y/N,” He huffs, looking over at his home gym sorrowfully. “I'll stick to a fruit salad.”

*****

The promenade along the beach front is bustling as you stroll along it, dodging skateboarders and joggers while you decide on what you want to eat. After the heat of the day, the fried foods and sickly rich treats turn your stomach so you opt for sharing a light rice dish with Bucky, complying with his food-plan in the process.

“Does Sam stick to his diet as well as you do?”

“No, but he gets away with it a lot more. If I so much as look at a pizza I put on a pound.”

“Don't be silly Bucky,” You say, slipping a hand underneath his t-shirt. “Besides, I like a bit of squish.”

“Oh yeah?”

You hum. “More to love.”

Bucky's smile goes from sly to radiating with pure joy at your reply, and he lets you pull him in to a kiss in the middle of the board-walk, the world narrowing to just to two of you as you press your lips to his.  

“Oi, Barnes,” A voice breaks your little moment. “If pictures of you and Y/N get out, you're gonna break thousands of hearts.”

Jolting away from Bucky with a gasp, for a second time in your life you find yourself flustered by the sudden appearance of Sam Wilson.

He's only just keeping a straight face, obviously enjoying seeing the two of you squirm. Bucky's the first to regain his composure, greeting his co-star as he slings a casual arm around your shoulders, not stopping you when you bury yourself into his side to hide.

Despite this, Sam speaks directly to you. “Hi Y/N. Lovely to see you again.”

You lift your head off Bucky's shoulder, giving Sam a small wave and a mumbled hello.

“You two having fun?”

Scratching self-consciously at his face, Bucky chuckles quietly. “You could say that.”

“Yeah. Looks like it. But I meant what I said, you're breaking the hearts of all your fans by kissing Y/N.”

“Don't be jealous Wilson. You know I'm still all about SamBucky.”

“Excuse me, I don't think I'm happy with sharing,” You butt in, grinning at how easily the back and forth is between the two of them.

“You're welcome to him,” Sam says “I don't think Riley would be too keen on sharing either.”

His aforementioned other half beeps from the parking space he's just pulled up to, and Sam says his goodbyes to go and join him, calling back at you before he closes the door. “Y/N! I hope you've still got lil' Sebastian?”

“What?” You ask, confused. “Lil'-oh! Yeah! Safe and sound next to my television.”

“Good! I'm glad you're looking after him.” Sam laughs, waving. “See you later, Buck! Don't make too much of a scene.”

You and Bucky watch until the car turns off the main road before continuing your walk, hand in hand in the setting sun.

“What was he talking about? Lil' Sebastian?” Bucky queries seconds later.

“I may or may not have stolen one of your action figures from the goody bags at the premier.”

Bucky smirks at your confession. “That sounds like something you'd do.”

“Sam said I could! Plus, I couldn't leave him, he's too cute.”

“That's 'cos he looks like me.”

“Nah, Sebastian's cuter.”

Bucky pulls you to a stop alongside the edge of the pier. “Take that back.”

“Nope. Sorry, but the long hair and metal arm just swing it for me.”

“I can grow my hair.”

“All right. But you still won't have the tragic back story that makes the character of Sebastian Stan so precious to so many people.”

“Whatever,” Bucky sulks. “You keep your Sebastian if he's that important to you. Sebastian Stan, sounds like a cartoon characters name.”

“Says Bucky Barnes?”

He splutters out a laugh at your amused tone, quickly catching you around your waist and lifting you off the floor to sit you atop the bench you are stood by, tipping you back as he grins  “Say I'm better and I'll let you up.”

“No,” You giggle, confident that he won't drop you.

“Y/N,” He whines, tilting you further.

“Kiss me and I'll think about it.”

“I'd kiss you anyway, but okay.”

He rights you and steps between your legs, meeting your lips again, this time much more passionately, ignoring Sam's words of warning in favour of proving a point.

“Well?” He asks against your mouth, both of you breathing heavily.

“I think,” You say, swallowing your nerves and keeping eye contact in spite of them, “That you should take me home.”

“Oh?” He frowns, processing what you said. You can see the moment he works it out. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure?”

You nod. “Then you can really prove to me who's better.”

The way in which Bucky, all in the prospect of getting you into bed, grabs your hand and almost drags you across the sidewalk and into the closest taxi, then proceeds to push you into the corner of the back seat and kiss you like its the last time in full view of everyone around, causes much more of a scene than Sam ever could imagine, but you know that when you look back at it in the years to come, you won't care one bit.

*****

Epilogue Part III

[insanityclause]

Just months ago, following a critically acclaimed run at London's Harold Pinter Theatre, the four-person cast of Betrayal all made their Broadway debuts. One of the four was Eddie Arnold.

With poetic precision, rich humor, and an extraordinary emotional force, Betrayal charts a compelling seven-year romance, thrillingly captured in reverse chronological order. Arnold brings humor to the revered Pinter play, not only starring as the Waiter, but also understudying 'Jerry' and 'Robert'- roles played by stage and screen stars Charlie Cox and Tom Hiddleston.

Before Betrayal, Eddie starred in stage productions of Hamlet, The Vote, Journey's End, Jumpy, Saki. His film credits include: Mary Queen of Scots, Dead in October, Guardians, The List. Television credits include: "People Just Do Nothing," "Sticks and Stones," "De Infiltrant," "Man in an Orange Shirt," "The Vote."

As the play begins its final weeks on Broadway (closing on December 8, 2019), Eddie checked in with BroadwayWorld to reflect on the show's journey so far and how he is preparing to say goodbye to Broadway.

I know that a lot has happened in the past year, from opening in London to coming here... has it all hit you yet that you're really on Broadway?

I don't think it will hit me until it's too late and I get back home and say, "Oh no, it's over!" [Laughs] I feel like I'm living in this hyper-reality of the world that I used to be in. London was so incredible and such a lucky experience to get to share the stage with these three geniuses, and to be directed by Jamie [Lloyd], and to speak Harold Pinter's lines. But to then have the opportunity to come to New York, which I've only been on holiday to, and be able to come and offer it up to a new set of eyes is incredible. The American audience gets to experience it in a different way now. It was all so incredibly lucky. I feel like i've been floating on this bubble of happiness the whole five months I've been here. I've fallen in love with this city.

You're now a few months into the run. How has it been going at the Jacobs since opening night?

We are definitely all counting our lucky stars every night that we got this lovely, beautiful theatre that we've been invited to perform in. The audiences have been so receptive and so responsive. The funny thing is that the play has so many different threads that you can follow throughout, that an audience can be laughing hysterically one night and almost silent the next night... and yet they are just as into it at the end. They end up getting lost in the words and liking or disliking one of the characters for whatever reason. Or the next night someone else becomes vilified or loved or pitied. Each time it is so different.

It's really beautiful to see that every night, because I get to listen to it through the relays for about two thirds of the show. I get to watch how the audience is gauging it and how the actors are honing in on parts of each scene and working it in a different way. It really pumps me up. Like a football team has "Eye of the Tiger," I get to listen to Tom Hiddleston, Charlie Cox and Zawe Ashton perform scenes 1-6.

The magic of live theatre! Every time is something different...

Coming into the show in a later scene, in a production where the other characters don't leave the stage, I always get this beautiful feeling as the audience turns and watches me walk on. They're going, "Who the heck is that guy and why is he on stage?" And then it moves to, "Oh, ok! Here is a new dynamic that we haven't seen that will spice things up." They warm very quickly. I think Pinter has written it in a really great spot, where all of these characters that have been onstage before have been firing at each other constantly. Now suddenly, they have this new person who they can direct all of their anger and sadness and annoyance at. He's not going to beaten down that easily though!

This being a drama, with some comedic moments, you're the biggest moment of comic relief in the play. Is there pressure in that?

There's never any pressure going on because you've got to live in the reality of the moment- there are these very angry, posh men in front of you, who are trying their best to conceal their feelings for each other, especially with the information and power they hold over each other. So I've been caught up in this very awkward conversation and how do I talk my way out of it as quickly and effectively as possible? And of course they keep going in berating me. The comedy is really written into it already. So I just try to go into it as naturally as possible. Sometimes people laugh! At the end of the day you just have to be truthful to what you're playing and hopefully the writing and direction will help you out when you're not firing on all cylinders.

Were you intimidated at all at the beginning of the rehearsal process in London?

I had seen a lot of Jamie's work before. Three Days of Rain was such an incredible production and I had seen lots of the Pinter stuff as well. Obviously he is very big director who has done a lot of acclaimed work in London. Then the other guys, if you don't know who they are, you've been living with your head in the sand. At the end of the day I just wanted to nail the part as much as possible.

And luckily for someone like myself and others in this industry, between jobs, you serve at bars or restaurants. It's part of being a gigging actor. I made sure that I brought all of that experience- how many times I've bitten my lip at someone dropping their food and looking to me to pick it up... I thought, I can do this. I've done it before. It's actually a lot more pleasant this way because I can do it with lovely people and we can have a laugh about it in the end.

So intimidated wasn't it... more like honored. I'm so happy to have been allowed to perform and learn. You learn so much just from watching actors of this much talent and ability. Hopefully some of it will seep in and I'll be able to take it to my next job.

Have the four of you become close?

Oh yes, we've had a lovely time!

Your Halloween costumes were incredible.

Oh! They were great, weren't they? Captain America fit the bill for me. And I had to come out first as the leader of the Avengers. But we had so much fun dressed up like that. It was pure laughs backstage.

You've got a lot of time offstage throughout the course of the play. How do you occupy yourself?

I've read quite a few books! Right now I'm halfway through Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. It is about 800 pages and people call it the most remarkable achievement of the modern era of novel-writing. Then I've got another called A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara. That one is about 700 pages long! So I'm trying to eat my way through both of those.

Then Dylan [S. Wallach] and Jesmille [Darbouze] are right above me. We get to hang out and catch up, which is lovely. We watch the show and run lines once or twice a week. Then I get to chill in pants and wait for my turn to go on.

So you have your own dressing room?

Yes! I bought a couple of plants to zhuzh it up, but I'm going to be really sad to leave it. It's been home for the last five months and it feels very much a part of me. I have very quickly adapted to life here.

What have you enjoyed the most about being a New Yorker?

Everyone is so incredibly welcoming. Also, New York has the best Italian food ever- I love Italian food. I still haven't bee to the Bronx, where I'm told the proper, old-school Italian restaurants are. That is definitely on my list of things to do before we finish.

Also, there are all these sports that don't even exist in England, like basketball and American football, baseball, ice hockey. I've been to see the Knicks and the Mets! I'm really trying to soak up every but of this American lifestyle before it gets taken away from me. [Laughs]

Have you gotten to see any other shows?

Oh goodness, yes! We saw Sea Wall/A Life, with Jake Gyllenhaal and Tom Sturridge. That was incredible. In the same way as our play, it felt so natural and timeless. It was so beautifully acted. I went to see Dear Evan Hansen as well. That was phenomenal. Tom and I went to see it and then we've been singing the songs ever since. We're backstage singing our hearts out! That kind of acting, where you come on and sing for two and a half hours... it seems like an alien thing to me. I cannot imagine ever being to do that. How do they do that?

So doing a musical is not on your bucket list?

It might be on my bucket list, but I don't think that anyone would come to see it! [Laughs]

With just a few weeks until the end of the show's run, what are you most looking forward to in the time you have left?

I want to eat as much American food as I can! [Laughs] No, it's about not taking anything for granted. Everything becomes so happy and easy until these last few weeks and now I have to start saying goodbye to people. I need to make sure I've said thank you to about 500 people who have made this experience what it is. I need to seek them out and tell them personally. Any of my free time will be spent hunting people down to show my appreciation.

[smokeybrandreviews]

Smokey brand Select: Biohazrd

With the advent of Peninsula’s release, the sequel of Train to Busan, i wanted to take some time and spotlight a few of my favorites Zombie films. My love for Zombie flicks stems more from the circumstances around the outbreak, rather than the monster effects and whatnot, themselves. Don’t get me wrong, the make-up in these things are almost always spectacular, but, for me, the existentialism is where the true horror of these films truly lie. I like the exploration of humanity and lack thereof in such dire situations. That whole man/monster motif. I am a sucker for those tropes and the study of human nature. For me, those make the best kinds films, that mirror to ourselves, and you get a ton of that in zombie flicks. Now, admittedly, i have seen a ton of these things and it was hard to whittle it down to just ten selections so this is another one of those wonky lists. Look, man, i like movies and this is my list so I'll do what i want!

10b. Overlord

Overlord is an interesting case. It started out as a spec script, then got made as part of the Cloverfield cinematic universe, but dropped that aspect after Cloverfield Paradox sh*t the bed. I think that was for the best because this movie is f*cking insane. It has nothing to do with Cloverfield and everything to do with Resident Evil and Wolfenstein. Indeed, this is everything a Wolfenstein adaption should be. Nazis and zombies and Nazi zombie super-soldiers - oh my! In all seriousness, this movie is one of the most violent, excessive, gory, cinematic pleasures i have ever experienced. Overlord knows exactly what it is and executes that vision with such fervent, bloody, sloppy, enthusiasm, you can’t help but have a great time.

10a. The Crazies

I saw the original version of this film when i was a kid on television. I thought it was an interesting take on the zombie formula and kept it’s existence in my back pocket. The Crazies was the first time i understood that a zombie didn’t need to be undead. This film predated my experiences with first Resident Evil game so infection was a brand new trope for me. Fast forward several years, and the remake drops. It’s so much better that the original. It is a low budget film, which means they need to focus on character and atmosphere to drive the tension home, both of which are absolutely excellent. The Crazies is harrowing, stressful, and brilliant. Both versions are good but the 2010 remake, in my humble opinion, is superior in every way.

9. The Night Eats the World

I stumbled upon this by accident while perusing amazon. I remember hearing about it and thought the premise was interesting. Imagine being locked in one of those dope ass, old timey, Paris apartments during a zombie apocalypse? That hook, alone, got me to bite but the performance given by Anders Danielsen Lie as the lead, Sam, was heart-wrenching. This is a very somber take on the isolation aspect of the zombie genre. This is I Am Legend but with a sobering reality infused in every scene. It was horrifying watching Sam’s mental degradation but a powerful watch overall.

8. Life After Beth

Life after Beth is probably the only light-hearted zombie film of this list and for good reason; It’s outstanding. I debated whether to put Zombieland or Burying the Ex on this list, both excellent in their own right, but i had way more fun watching this one, than either of those. That’s high praise because the first Zombieland is one of my absolute favorite films. Life After Beth is a unique take on the whole genre and Aubrey Plaza as the titular Beth was excellent. I would say it’s about as good as Zombieland, maybe a little better. Mostly because of Plaza. I really like Aubrey Plaza.

7. Deadgirl

This is actually Deadgirl’s second time making a Select list. I figured there would eventually be crossover as some flicks encapsulate so many different genres but it’s surprising that it would be this one. Actually, i think the first was Doctor Sleep with the Stephen King and Vampire lists, but Deadgirl is worth a double-dip, too. It’s super low budget and focuses on a rather interesting take on the Zombie genre. I don’t want to get into it too much because the film, itself, is worth a watch. So go do that. Go watch Deadgirl. Right now.

6. Maggie

This was a legitimate surprise for me to see. Maggie takes place several years after the actual outbreak. Zombies are a thing. They’ve been a thing. Humanity has already crossed that bridge and the virus is just the way of life. they’re the new normal and mankind is busy as much as usual after literally the dead rising from their graves. Precautions are taken to mitigate infection but they still occur with alarming frequency. Maggie is about a father who has to come to terms with his daughter’s infection. You slowly watch this man’s despair and desperation as the inevitable eventually befalls his one and only daughter. It’s stark, and bleak, and f*cking devastating. There isn’t a happy ending to this, it just ends. I loved this movie, man, and a lot of it has to do with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s performance. That sh*t was amazing and easily the best role I've ever seen in. I’m a huge Terminator fan but this performance as f*cking enthralling. Abigail Breslin is awful in it, though.

5. Cargo

Before i get into it’s merits as a zombie flick, i just need to say, Cargo is an excellent film in itself. Strong ass performances. A gripping and emotional narrative. Gorgeous cinematography. Deft direction. It’s an objectively beautiful film. Now, as a zombie outing, this motherf*cker is full of the despair. The whole f*cking thing is an exercise in constant, aggressive, tragedy. Don’t misunderstand, it’s excellent, but it will leave you exhausted by the end. It wraps up nicely and with a subtle tone of hope, but you will be emotionally exhausted, for sure, by the time those credit’s roll.

4. The Girl with All the Gifts

I love this movie if only because they took the cordycep route in regards to infection. The zombie story i wrote way back when i was in high school for my creative writing course, used that as the catalyst for my zombie shenanigans. I always found that sh*t interesting, like, what would happen if that parasitic relationship jumped species. Then The Last of Us came out and i was disillusioned because the story they told, turned out to be so much better than mine. I felt that same emotion when i first saw this movie. The Girl with All the Gifts is brilliant. It’s stunningly human while being objectively horrifying. The zombies play a part, sure, but it’s the inevitable extinction of humanity that drives this film, that haunts most of these characters. It’s X-Men but with zombies instead of mutants and executed in a way that feels disturbingly real. Plus, and i cannot stress this enough, Sennia Nanua is f*cking outstanding as Melanie. To be so young and to give such an emotional performance was a true joy to witness.

3. Night of the Living Dead

The classic that kicked off an entire genre and still, even after fifty-two years, one of the best examples of it to ever be made. Night was terrifying back in the day, mostly because of different sensibilities, but the horror of that film lied with the people trapped in the house. The true monsters were never the zombies, but humanity, itself. It was watching those survivors slowly turn on one another. It was the realization that people will eat each other when pressed with such harrowing events. I used to think that wasn’t true but then Covid happened and people were trampling each other for toilet paper. That was insane. People would absolutely act this way in real life so that ending, as f*cking abrupt and terrible as it was, rang true. That sh*t is what real horror is all about.

2. The Wailing

The Wailing is the first of two South Korean zombie flicks to make this list. Indeed, the other is so excellent, it had to share the top spot but this one, for me, was an easy pick at two. I’ve seen I’ve given The Wailing multiple viewings and every time, without fail, i am pulled into that world. It’s a very methodical film, not in the sense of pacing, but more in the sense of plotting. This thing has a story to tell and you have to commit to it being told. It is a lot to ask but, like so many other films that ask this of you, the experience is incredibly rewarding. Don’t let the fact this thing is Korean language stop you from taking in a true masterpiece. It’s gorgeous, performed adeptly, and shot wonderfully. The environment and atmosphere, alone, are worth the price of admission.

1b. Train to Busan

If 1a didn’t exist, Train to Busan would be the greatest zombie flick i have ever seen. It hits that sweet spot between the human and horror elements perfectly. Setting it on a train makes for some of the most tension filled scenes ever captured of film. For those of you that prefer a more action packed, zombie outing, Busan delivers that in spades, while giving you very real, very emotional, performances to boot. You feel for these characters and the bleakness of their plight. You feel the desperation as the world collapses around them. This movie, zombie elements remove, would still be f*cking fantastic. Add the horrors of an undead apocalypse, and you have one of the most devastating accusations of humanity ever captured on film.

1a. 28 Days Later

This is the greatest zombie film i have ever seen, hands down. It does everything Train to Busan does, AND sticks that feeling of isolation so well. In a lot of ways, this is more a study on the horrors humanity can commit in the face of oblivion, and i dig that. There are shades of that aspect permeating throughout all of these films but the first third of 28 Days Later nails that bleak loneliness with such aggressiveness, it’s borderline sadistic. This was my first experience with Cillian Murphy and i was thoroughly impressed. Dude was incredible in this role so imagine my complete lack of surprise when he popped up in Batman Begins. It’s said he got Scarecrow because of Days and i can totally see that. Watching this man’s career blossom has been a real pleasure but, for me, his Jim will always be the role i think off when people say his name. If you’ve never seen 28 Days Later, rectify that at once. It’s an incredible, gorgeous film that is definitely worth a watch.

Honorable Mentions: Burying the Ex, Zombieland, Shaun of the Dead, Dead Snow, Return of the Living Dead, Re-Animator, Day of the Dead, World War Z, Contracted, REC, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Gallowalkers, Pet Sematary, Resident Evil

[occasionalfics]

worth my while // p. 6

main masterlist | thor masterlist | ko-fi | p. 5 | p. 7

Summary: After being banished from his home, Thor Odinson has stopped at nothing to prove himself worthy of his throne, title, and power.

After losing the love of your life, you turned to a power you didn’t understand.You know you shouldn’t get involved.

But how could you not?

Pairing: Thor x Reader (Hercules au…kind of…)

A/N: This one...hits all the feels. The very last scene was one I’d had planned the ENTIRE time so it’s arguably one of my favorites.

Warnings: Violence, lots of angst, borderline abuse and definite manipulation, eventual smut, way too many feels, major character death (eventually). A little more harassment on Hades’ part this time around. This chapter has slightly NSFW content, but nothing is explicit this time. Read at your own discretion.

Words: 3,794

Hades causes disaster after disaster, week after week. He doesn’t throw you into the mess of things again, thankfully, but he keeps you close and makes you watch the Avengers closely. He quizzes you on them after, insists you spend more time with them.

You don’t give him details of your time with Thor, but he definitely knows something is going on. And he’s using it.

You knowing that drives you to Thor more and more, but it also makes you close yourself off once you’re around him. You crave being close to Thor because he’s kind, because he cares, because he treats you well. Because, clearly, being friends isn’t what he wants. It’s not really what you want, either.

But once you’re in his presence, you’re constantly aware of the things Hades can use against him. You’re constantly thinking of all the ways Hades can use you against Thor.

If you keep a good amount of distance, maybe he can come out of his unharmed. Maybe you can come out of it free. Maybe you’ll be able to make amends, once Hades is done with you.

If he’ll ever be done with you, that is.

--

You know the team pretty well now. Well enough that Sam and Thor invite you to dinner, which means sixteen pizzas in the living room where you’d waited for Thor that one afternoon.

You settle on the couch next to Thor. Right up against him. He’s so warm, and far too comfortable. You pull your legs up under you and rest your head on his shoulder, completely aware of the eyes around the room that fall on the two of you.

You don’t know what he’s told the team about you, but you’re sure they know something is up just like Hades does. Only, they’re Avengers. They’re good people. Which is something you wouldn’t have said about them before all of this started.

Steve hands you a plate with two slices of pizza, and you smile at him. “Thanks,” you say, and he nods.

Thor takes his plate, puts it in his lap, and stretches an arm across your shoulders.

“Any requests?” Stark asks. His eyes fall on you, too, but not because you’re cuddling with someone you’d verbally swear is only your friend. “You’re the guest of honor. Favorite movie?” he asks.

You pause. This is the first almost-nice thing Stark has thrown your way so far. To be fair to him, you haven’t had many personal interactions, and you wouldn’t be surprised if he’s wary of your sudden presence around his teammate. Someone in his employ.

With a shrug, you tell him, “I’m easy to please.”

“Bet you are,” he says quickly, before looking around the room.

Thor nudges you softly, but you just roll your eyes. Hades has said much worse things about you to your face, so you let Stark’s words roll off your shoulders easily.

You eat your pizza quietly while the group picks a movie. They end up going with Clint’s pick: Moonrise Kingdom. Sam questions him, but Clint just says, “I like Wes Anderson,” with a shrug.

Almost too quickly, voices are asking questions. Too loudly. You can’t hear the movie, but you’re not about to go telling The Avengers to shut the hell up. You look at Thor, and he just nods and eats his pizza.

This must be normal for them, you realize. They don’t just watch movies like normal people. They’re not normal people. Two are genetically modified (Bruce Banner is across the room, beside Stark on a two-seat couch), two are spies (Black Widow is on the floor with Clint), at least three are Veterans of some branch of the military, and the one you’re currently sitting against is a literal alien.

So who cares if they talk over a movie you’ve never seen? It’s not like the movie won’t exist outside of this building, should you want to know what actually does happen later.

Suddenly, all eyes are on you again. You blink at them - mostly Sam, because you know him better than everyone except for Thor - and he chuckles.

“Nat asked if you wanted more pizza,” he says.

“Oh,” you say, looking down at your empty plate. You shake your head. “I’m okay, thanks.”

“We’ve got way too much,” Steve says. “You sure you don’t just want one more?”

You look at the boxes still stacked, one on top of the other. There are a few that’ve been emptied, but most of them are still full. Thor’s told you he eats a lot, and you’re sure someone with an enhanced metabolism like Steve’s probably eats a lot, too. But sixteen pizzas? That is a lot.

Still, you think one extra piece might not be the worst thing.

So you sigh and say, “Fine. Just plain, thanks.” You hand your plate to Sam, who hands it to Steve, who plates another piece before sending it back.

You’ve got a single nibble in your mouth before Stark turns to you.

“So, (Y/N). What is it you do for a living?” he asks.

Thor clears his throat, but you beat him to the answer.

“I’m a maid.”

Again, not the entire truth. But you remember telling Thor that much, so you may as well stick to that story.

Stark nods, but doesn’t seem impressed. You’re not sure why he would. He’s a fucking billionaire. He’s got maids, you’re sure. Maybe that Irish lady is one of them.

“Now tell me, what’s a maid doing getting pushed off a skyscraper in the middle of a mega-monster battle?” he asks.

“Stark,” Thor warns, the vibrations of his voice tickling your side.

But you just turn to look at him, giving him a warning look because you can answer for yourself. You don’t want Thor defending your honor or anything. That only leads to the kind of mess you are actively trying to avoid.

“I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and some jerk chased me to the roof of the building,” you say. “I was just lucky that Thor was there to catch me.”

“He wasn’t,” Stark says shortly.

You don’t miss his point. But he does look back at the television. Steve glares at him, but Stark barely seems to notice.

You bite your lip and consider leaving, but being right up against Thor makes moving so difficult. Going home to your empty apartment for the night seems so wrong.

You know that, if Stark really wanted you gone, he’d have you escorted out of the building. It is his building, after all. Maybe you should tell him that you sided with him on the Accords deal, but you’re not sure what kind of a touchy subject that is right now. It’s not part of the conversation going on around you, so you decide to hold off.

If it never comes up, that’s fine. You don’t need to win over Stark, anyway. Hades plans on tearing this team apart, so you trying to wiggle your way into their good graces is probably not the best idea.

When the movie is over, you offer to help clean up, but the team refuses. They tell you to sit back and relax, because you’re Thor’s guest. Sam grabs your empty plate, then Thor’s, then takes a stack of them to the kitchen around the corner. Steve and Tony take care of the pizza boxes. Clint and Nat handle cups and napkins. Bruce turns the television back to local news.

Thor stands. He turns and holds a hand out to you. You look toward the kitchen, wondering what’s planned next for one of these pizza-movie evenings, but Thor tells you, “They won’t miss us, I promise.”

So you take his hand, stand up, and follow him to the elevator.

The whole way to his apartment, you remind yourself that you have a rule. Two rules, actually. One: you’re keeping this casual. Just friends, no emotions. Two: you’re not allowed to stay over. You can cuddle and talk, but at some point, you need to go home and wake up in your own bed in the morning.

The last thing you need is for Hades to call you in for the day, only to have Thor pick up your phone and find everything out before you’re ready to tell him what he needs to know.

You take a look at his clock, then remember that it’s on Asgard’s time. Your phone says Midgardian time is about 10pm. It’s getting late, at least for a woman to be walking home alone. You could take a cab, Hades wouldn’t mind paying.

That sets you at ease a little.

Enough to fall into step with Thor as he goes into his bedroom. You haven’t been back here before, but you try not to make anything of it. It’s just a bedroom, though his bed is fucking huge. It has to be - his body is long and wide and he needs to fit on this mattress every night.

You take off your shoes and socks and jump onto his mattress, nearly sinking into it. The sheets are actual silk. It’s the most luxurious bed you’ve ever been in, and when you relax, you can’t help but let out a little moan.

Thor chuckles and shakes his head, but joins you anyway.

“I take it you approve?” he asks.

“Anyone who doesn’t is clearly wrong,” you reply. And then you laugh together, and your whole face heats up.

That’s all you want. Just...to have him smile like that - so happy and genuine - at you forever. He’s so handsome, and his laughter is so endearing, and if you don’t do something about it, you’re going to fall into a pit that you won’t be able to get yourself out of before he gets hurt, too.

So you reach forward and kiss him, because you know that’s the quickest way to shut him up.

But just as quickly, he pulls back. He holds you above him and gives you a confused look. “I thought we were just going to be friends,” he says.

And you nod. “We are.”

“Then why are you kissing me?”

“Friends kiss.”

He freezes. Just stares at you. Finally, he asks, “They do?”

“Sometimes,” you tell him. “Friends can have casual sex. That’s not a thing on Asgard?”

He shrugs. “Casual sex is, sure. Among friends? Not quite as often.”

You wonder if it’s because he’s a prince, like if you’d asked a member of his court or any random Asgardian the same question, would their answer be any different? Ultimately, you decided it didn’t matter.

You and Thor weren’t on Asgard. You were on Earth, where your only option was to engage casually, if you were going to engage at all.

“That’s what you want?” he asks, as if he can read your mind.

You force yourself to nod. “Is that okay?”

He lets out a heavy breath, and you know, immediately, it’s not what he wants. It’s not really okay. His eyes are a little dull, comparatively, just to match.

“It is better than nothing at all, I suppose.”

You hate that answer, and you know he does, too. It almost completely ruins the mood. You almost give in, almost apologize for doing this to him.

Almost.

But you can’t. You can’t even think of what it’ll mean if you do.

You lean in again, pause for just a second, almost whisper an apology again, but think better of it. One day. One day, when all of this is over, maybe then you’ll get to apologize for playing him like this.

At least you know what you’re doing to him. Or...maybe that makes it worse.

--

One of your only two rules is that you don’t stay over.

And yet, you let yourself fall asleep wrapped up in Thor. You can’t really help it. He’s so warm and comfortable, and he doesn’t give you much of a choice.

He’s worn you out. Shown you what kind of bliss only he can really show you, then insisted you rest because there’s no way you can walk home when your legs are like jelly.

You wake up in the middle of the night and weigh your options. You could call a cab. You could get dressed and still go home and follow your own rule on a technicality - you’d still be waking up in your own bed in the morning.

But you’re already here, in Avengers Tower. There are so many floors to go through, so many possibilities of waking someone up or running into someone between the residential floors and the lobby. And even if you don’t, that means you have to go all the way down to the lobby by yourself at...four in the morning.

Even if the Irish lady is around and watching, the idea of leaving now isn’t perfect. It’s not ideal. Doesn’t make you want to leap out of Thor’s bed.

Especially not with his arm thrown over your middle.

You know you can’t like the feeling of having Thor hold you like this. But you do. You really, really do.

And because you do, you slide out from under him. Throw your legs off the side of the bed, stand up, and grab the first article of clothing you find.

It’s huge. Thor’s shirt, you realize. It’s a plain gray t-shirt. You throw it over your head, sighing as the cool cotton settles on your shoulders. It’s too dark to find anything else without causing a ruckus, but you do anyway, only half-regretting it when Thor groans and leans over to seek you out. His fingers brush your side, find a shirt there instead of bare skin, and he groans again.

You can’t help but laugh at the exhausted sound he makes as he rolls over - literally rolls over - until his face is in your back.

“Where are you going?” he whines, mouth moving against the shirt.

The laugh turns affectionate before you can stop it. You look back at him as best as you can, both in the dark and with how close he is. “Just wanted to get some fresh air.”

“So you weren’t leaving?”

At that, you turn carefully. When you can, you put your hands on the sides of his face and gently pull until you know he’s looking at you. “Since I’m wearing your shirt, and only your shirt, and it’s four in the morning, no. I’m not leaving.”

The sigh he lets out fills you up with glee. You know you shouldn’t let it, but you do. He just...sounds so relieved that you’re not leaving him. The thought that he wants you to stay is too satisfying. It’s too tempting. It’s a lot of too much, and you can’t tell if you’re ignoring it is a subtle way of giving in or a very clear way of keeping distance.

“C’mon then,” he mutters. And then he’s pulling out of your grip, and you let him because you have to. You just barely see his silhouette stand and find clothes on his side of the room before he turns on a lamp from his bedside table. That’s when you’re able to find your underwear - you only slip your panties back on before Thor’s coming around the bed to grip your hand in his, pulling you from the room.

“Where’re we going?” you ask as he drags you out of the apartment.

He laughs lightly, you shushing him, and says, “To get some fresh air, obviously.”

The Irish lady has the common sense, apparently, to wait until the elevator doors are closed this time. She asks Thor where his destination is, and he tells her, “The roof please, Friday.”

“Her name is Friday?” you ask.

He just shrugs. “You’d have to ask Stark what it stands for.”

But that only confuses you further. “Is she not...like, a real person?”

At that, Thor laughs harder. Unabashedly. But he has the sense to not appear to be laughing at you, not in a way that makes you feel like a fool for having asked. He shakes his head and says, “She’s Artificial Intelligence.”

You nod and laugh at that, too because, of course. That makes sense. You’ve only ever heard the Irish lady - Friday - and she’s been pretty much everywhere.

But now she leaves you and Thor alone as the elevator continues to climb. You wonder how far up you’re really going, because Avengers’ Tower is actually kind of pointed at the top. It’s not like you and Thor can just go out to the spire and hang on - or could you?

The doors open to face another set of doors, but these are heavy and metal and open outwardly. Thor holds one open, lets you out first, and follows you onto a deck that reaches over the city, a glass wall the only barrier between the edge of the deck and the sky.

The only time you’ve ever been close to this high up is when...when Hades pushed you off that building.

But thinking about that will kill the serene mood you definitely feel with your hand in Thor’s. So you kick Hades to the curb, at least for now, and follow Thor out to the edge of the deck. He tells you to sit, so you do, then he backtracks, but you’re too focused on watching Manhattan in the early dawn.

He comes back a moment later with a huge blanket that he rolls out along the cement floor. You look over your shoulder and find a metal cabinet with one of the doors flung open and rows upon rows of more of those blankets - and you think hey, at least Stark prepares for everything. You doubt the intended purpose for these blankets is sex outdoors, but you’re not even sure that’s what’ll happen with you and Thor anyway.

Not now.

Thor gestures for you get comfortable on the blanket. He’s not usually this bossy, you think, but he’s also not being rude. You can see the exhaustion in his eyes - Gods can feel exhausted? - so you don’t put up a fight or even politely decline. Besides, you miss holding him. Genuinely. You know you shouldn’t, that Thor is absolutely forbidden fruit, but it’s too early - too late? - to deny yourself or him the pleasure of touch.

So after you’re settled, Thor makes himself comfortable. His head on your shoulder, legs spread out long, feet hanging off the end of the blanket. He’s quiet for some time - long enough that you think he must’ve fallen asleep.

But then you hear yourself calling out for him. You don’t know what your mouth is doing. He looks up at you, eyes a little bleary but expression generally happy, and smiles.

“Tell me about Asgard,” you say.

You immediately know it’s the wrong move. Not because he reacts badly, but because asking him about this is an emotional weight that suddenly settles. It’s not unpleasant, but that’s the scary part.

He goes into excruciating detail with very little probing. Tells you of golden suns and gleaming palace walls, of hidden hills and glorious gardens. He brings up the colosseum, but only briefly, saying that it is “the place where warriors are made” before moving on.

And you just know that’s where all of this started, to some extent.

When he comes to what you think is a close, he sighs and you ask him, “And...what is it that you did to come here?”

That, he’s more hesitant to divulge.

“You don’t have to say,” you tell him quieter, but you can feel his sigh more than hear it.

“I do not want you to think ill of me for my mistakes,” he says quietly. “I have learned from them, whether or not I’ve been readmitted into Asgard.”

There is, surprisingly, no voice in your head telling you not to place a kiss on his forehead. You do so freely. And then, what you say next explains, to yourself, why.

“There’s nothing you could say that would make me think less of you, Thor.” And you say it reassuringly, lips still against his forehead, so that he knows you’re being sincere.

You wonder what he’d do if he knew it was because of what you are doing at that very moment.

He must feel how truthful you’re being. His arms around you tighten, pull you closer to him, and you throw a leg over his to sort of tangle your body over him. It’s funny, you think, that normally he is so large and intimidating, but right now, he’s just...soft.

So soft. So soft that you almost pull away, but then he’s telling you:

“I nearly incited a war with the Frost Giants of Jötunheimr. A few snuck into my father’s weapons vault and intruded upon what was meant to be my coronation ceremony, and in a fit of childish rage, I flew off the handle. Stormed into their homeworld, threatened their king, attacked their people - I was no better than the sneaky few who went against my father’s peace treaty with their king. Laufy sought retribution. My father sought to make a man out of me.”

He falls into silence then. You think, for a bit, that he might go on, that he just needs a break, but then...nothing. The sun peeks over the horizon just a smidge, and still, he’s unmoved.

“That’s it?” you ask. You had expected much, much worse. But then again, you’re used to Hades.

He looks up at you, confusion creasing the space between his brows. “No need to make high treason and unnecessary warfare sound so trivial,” he says. And he looks genuinely upset.

You smile at him, sure, but you just sigh and push your face right up against his. It’s so...intimate and uncommon for you to do and yet, with Thor, it feels like the most natural move to make. The sirens keeping you from making these decisions have, apparently, been put to sleep.

“It’s just...I wasn’t expecting that. And, to be honest, I’m kind of glad, in a weird way, that you did it. Because now, you’re here.”

You absolutely do not let yourself say with me, but that is all that you deny yourself. And still, even without saying it, it’s like Thor just knows. Like he can sense it’s on the tip of your tongue, fighting its way out of your throat. He nods, and a few of his fingers dip low to slip under the fabric of his shirt on your body. But all they do is touch.

That’s all you need. Just touch.

[ceffythesquirrel]

Post Apocalyptic Sander's Sides AU

Hello! This is inspired off of @sidespart amazing art of Logan and Robot!Roman. Check notes for navigation (Poor princey.) I'm sure @sidespart had a completely different idea when they were creating that art piece, so this is just my take. If they ever do anything more with that universe, just know that this is completely separate and...yeah. XD

Warnings: Lots of death mention (nothing graphic), minor character death, explosions, terrorist attacks, let me know if theres anything else!

Roman - Backstory

M29-Ro-man was created a couple years before the apocalypse by a robotics genius. The dude just took a bunch of parts from the scrap yard, cleaned them up, put him together, and programmed him to be Roman.

He was just sitting in his garage lifeless for the longest time because he was one of the few robots with emotions that existed and the creator didn't really want him stolen or known about yet. Also he was solar powered and any contact with the sun would bring him to life.

Decided to give him as a gift to a friend/Broadway star who needed a personal companion to rehearse lines with on a daily basis. Thus the robotics genius programmed Roman with everything a robot should probably not be programmed with. He had emotions, the ability to learn and gather information, and the ability to adapt through different situations and circumstances.

When the Broadway star received Roman he acted like a human with a metallic body and an off switch. He couldnt physically feel since he had no skin. The creator also mentioned to the Broadway star that he was a little too boisterous and wasnt sure how to fix it, but once meeting Roman, he didnt mind at all.

Roman instantly took to the theatre atmosphere. He was told what to do, how to help his human companion, and practice with him.

When Roman was not on duty, he was constantly watching Broadway show after Broadway show, acting them out on his own. He would always study the one his human was performing in to the T so he could help him get his lines accurate.

So they were both pretty good friends. Roman had never experienced that robots under humans rascism until way later. He experienced it when he got fitted for a prince outfit, because the Broadway star thought he'd like it, (which Roman very much did.)

Roman can also sword fight he found out. Not because he taught himself, but part of a fencing bot's mainframe was welded inside of him.

Roman believes all other robots are stupid after seeing none that act like him. He knew he was special and had a tendency to act like it.

It all changed when the first terrorist attack of WWIII happened. Of course it happened at Broadway. There was a bombing causing most of the building to collapse.

Lots of people died including his human Broadway star friend. But, Roman would never know what had happened to him. When the bomb exploded, the roof of the room he was in collapsed and debris switched Roman off rendering him useless for a couple of hours.

This is where he meets Logan.

Logan - Backstory

He was an average kid with an average family. He had no siblings and was often left to his own devices. Its not that he didn't try to make friends, its just he wasn't that good with social cues. Some say he may have been autistic, but no one knows for certain.

He has always loved robots growing up, and wanted to be someone who worked with robots. Unfortunately, the robot industry was already deep into the golden age and it was a very competitive field.

Giving up on that dream, he went with chemical engineering instead. He still had a heart for robots though, and would always watch them work whenever he could.

He was under the belief that robots should stay machines and not advance into anything else. So when he saw the world's first emotion robot he voted and protested against it with every fibre of his being.

He read the book "I am, Robot" (book about Robots taking over the world) so it makes sense why he didn't like the idea.

He graduated as valedictorian of his class and went on to become a theoretical chemist. Not what he had planned to do, but it was interesting nevertheless.

He was in a research group of 11 other scientists who were working to develop the world's first force field. It was when they succeeded that it all went to hell.

They were presenting their work at the world fair in New York when the bombing on broadway happened. It was utter chaos as other attacks ripped through the city and people ran for their lives.

Logan acted on impulse rushing people to safety while staying a safe distance with his colleagues, until an explosion split them apart.

Because one of the scientists had a feeling this was going to happen she made the other 11 make a plan b so their work wouldn't be stolen. Of the twelve, six split up the force field plans.

Logan was one of those six and was running with the three hard drives that contained all the equations for it. In his lab coat mind you, that he forgot would make him a target. So he was running from chopper fire and was able to hide behind a building and dive under rubble.

He had no idea where anyone was or if anyone was still alive since it seemed WI-Fi and internet was down all across the world. Even television was having problems.

He was shaking with fear as chaos continued to reign outside so he went further deep into the rubble to seek some sort of shelter if he could and wait out the storm.

He took a wrong step and fell a story into the exact room Roman was in.

He saw the unique looking robot, covered in debris and was more scared of it than anything. Maybe it was another trap or a bomb, but after it didnt move for awhile Logan's curiousity got the better of him and moved it out from under the pile and get a better look at it.

It was dressed like a prince, and had a sword. Some robot.

When Logan switched it on his life changed.

Hardship to Friendship

Basically the exchange went like this: Roman sprung to action with his sword. Logan shrieked and fell over from surprise. He was already scared of what was going on outside and this did not help. Roman called out Logan on his nerdy appearance and his so-called want to steal an amazing robot like him. "Over my dead body Isaac Snoopin'!" And Logan is just too terrified for any of this so he just faints.

Roman is more confused than anything, but the impact of a bomb over head tells him something is definitely wrong. His eyes widen as he remembers his human friend and is about to go find him, when the conscious he had developed told him he shouldn't leave the scientist behind no matter how much he wanted to. Especially if he was an enemy, and in sword fighting you never take your eyes off your enemy.

So he picked up Logan like a rag doll and began searching through the ruined structure for the stage.

It was a tragic scene when he got there however. No one was alive and he couldn't tell anyone apart it was that bad. Another bomb could be heard hitting the ground nearby. Roman had never felt this amount of sorrow before so he just kind of sat on the ground rocking with his knees to his chest with sadness not exactly sure how to process the emotion, since he couldn't cry.

Logan came around about an hour later and Roman was still repeatedly doing the same movements. When the prince-robot saw Logan begin to wake up he drew his sword at him.

"YOU DID THIS!" "Wh-what?! Me!?"

"Who else could have accomplished this feat but a scientist?! You murderer!" Logan began trying to explain that he's just one person and could never pull off something this massive.

As they argued, the ceiling of the room they were in began to collapse and they dove for cover in the nick of time.

Just cue the whole scene where they are running together for their lives through the crumbling hallways somewhat screaming, somewhat Roman yelling at Logan, and somewhat Logan getting frustrated at this almost human who is blaming him for the ruining of his theatre and death of his beloved friend. Logan was in the same predicament since he didnt know if anyone he knew was alive.

Logan does take it too far when he says "This is why your kind should never have emotions!"

Roman had a temper so he wasn't thinking when he took his sword and swiped it across Logan's face. Cue Roman realizing he is capable of hurting others and shrinking back. This is not the robot he wanted to be.

"I'm sorry. That was uncalled for." Logan was more suprised that the sword had only nicked him in the cheek and not got him in the throat or anything.

The place they are in begins to collapse right after that too and Logan shoves Roman out of the way with a "You're forgiven!" when the floor begins to crumble underneath them.

The rest of it is just them talking/ introducing themselves with just a little more civility and trying to find a way out of the building. They finally do, but it caves in. Roman helps push with Logan and finds out he is soooooo much stronger than a regular human. He clears the way so easily that Logan's actually jealous of the robot.

So now they are running through the city above ground away from the commotion and start their journey as fugitives in an apocalyptic world. Logan doesn't know why Roman is sticking with him and frankly Roman doesn't either, but the robot has no other place to go. Also Logan is a scientist and Roman is still suspicious that he wants to take him apart and study him. Which isn't completely wrong but Logan is more preoccupied with running for his life right now.

They first run to Logan's apartment a couple blocks down while the chaos is still happening around them. He grabs items from his house like he's evacuating and changes from his lab coat into more casual clothes, still keeping the hard drives with him.

Logan and Roman barely escape from the place before a bomb destroys the complex behind them. Logan gets tired quickly as they run through the traffic, since he didnt really work out. So Roman just picks him and his bags up with ease and sprints off with the speed of two cheetahs combined.

That was the story of how the two unlikely friends met. Logan eventually tries to contact his other colleagues only to find out that only three of them were left, not including himself. Each of them held a piece to the force field, but the blueprints of the actual structure were lost somewhere. Roman and Logan had parted ways for a little while so Logan could go meet up with the other scientists, but found out it was a trap just to get the three hard drives he had. His other colleagues were dead when he got there.

Roman had went to find his orginal creator, but there was no sign of him anywhere. So he returned to Logan and busted him out of the trap and they went on the run again.

From there on, the duo became inseparable even if they did seem like they were at odds half the time. They were soon joined by others who found sanctity and friendship within their tribe of misfits.

Emile Picani: The Ex Vice President of the fallen United States that everyone loved more than the actual president. He had signed a secret deal with the illuminati but when New York got attacked he said "Screw it" and ran.

Virgil: A 21-year-old boy with unexplainable psychic powers the government had locked up for experimentation. He's a techie and is good at technology and hacking stuff.

Patton: An alien disguised as a human who might have accidently contributed to Virgil's psychic powers. He loves everything about Earth, except the violence and bad stuff.

Remy: A defective clone who knew he was more than just a science experiment.

Nathaniel: An ex-security officer who just wants to survive the apocalypse and the people he's with sure seem to know what they are doing.

Thomas: An old friend of Logan's with the safe house they all camp out at sometimes. He is the one with all the money and supplies they need to stock up on.

There is so much more I could do for this AU. If you want me to do Patton and Virgil's meeting or backstories let me know. I'm sorry this got so long. I just love this AU now. Again credit to the artist who made that amazing piece sidespart and hope you all enjoy!

[challengerbmxmag]

Sam Waller Interview

Sam Waller co-runs, the UK based Central Library, “a shop in the North West of England that sells zines, DVDs and other interesting bits and pieces.” He’s also part of the current resurgence of quality independent BMX media with his Red Steps magazine. In addition to that he finds the time to contribute to Challenger with his quarterly column, ‘Notes From A Fancy Island’ and of course, ride. And, when you talk to Sam, you can tell that riding reigns supreme.

Sam and I email back and forth fairly often because of the column but also about other random stuff like old spots, concrete skateparks, music, etc. It’s fun to email with Sam so I figured it would also be fun to ask Sam some more in-depth questions. Hit the link below for the full interview.

All photos by Gaz Hunt. Thanks, Gaz!

I know you live in Manchester, England now but where did you grow up and what is your BMX origin story? I grew up in the complete middle of nowhere in a place called Colton in the south of the Lake District. Whilst the countryside in film and television is often shown as a tranquil, quaint place, the reality is a fair bit different, and Colton in particular seemed like a hotbed for strange stuff going on. Only recently a large farmhouse was burned down by a wild woman who owned loads of pigs. She was exiled from the county, but the pigs remained to cause havoc.

Anyway, my older brother has played guitar since he was six or seven, but as I was a useless at it and couldn’t get my hands to move properly, I felt obliged to find a similar all-encompassing past-time.

I was mad on Formula 1 racing for a while (thoughts go out to the Schumacher family), and I went to a karate lesson once (a hobby quickly scrapped after the whole hour was spent being taught how to bow honourably), but up until the age of 12 or 13 it just felt like I was dawdling about.

All of this changed when, for some reason I’m not entirely sure of, me and my friends decided to make some jumps and drops and stuff to ride on our mountain bikes in some woods near a dual carriageway.

One of my friends knew some older lads from nearby who had proper bikes and Little Devil hoodies, so I think they must have planted the seed of raditude with him, but I think at that time I was just happy to be out the house and not playing Tekken 2. We later found out that the woodland we’d chosen was a popular dogging site frequented by truck drivers (I'm not sure if 'dogging' exists in America - maybe look it up), and quickly moved our spades and everything into another forest. By that point the damage was done and my mind was snagged.

After a bit of bouncing about on a mountain bike, I then splashed out on a second hand Standard that someone had painted post-box red, affixed some stunt nubs and never looked back (or lookbacked, for that matter).

The nearby town of Ulverston had a pretty big riding and skating scene, but thinking now about us lot trying to lay down ‘street style’ in this small historic market town, we may as well have been the Jamaican bobsleigh team — the rough ledges were strictly for stalls, and the closest thing to a flatbank was a grass verge round the back of a Texaco garage.

What were some of your biggest inspirations as a kid and what about now? I always think about how the 16 year old me would probably make fun of some of the things I'm into now. Is that the case with you at all? Apart from the receding hairline and the slight increase in responsibilities, I think I’ve stayed pretty much exactly the same since I was 16. Back then I think my favourite film was probably Natural Born Killers, and my favourite album was maybe something like Bad Moon Rising by Sonic Youth. Whilst I’ve maybe expanded my interests a little, I’ve pretty much been in a rut since then.

I’m not into memes or internet humour in the slightest, but I remember someone once showing me a video of a wrestling fan in America crying and shouting, “It’s still real to me, dammit.” That’s how I feel about a lot of things I was into back then. A lot of people who I went to school with moved on from being into music and films and pissing around on bikes, whilst I’m still snagged on it all, listening to The Minutemen and wearing check shirts. It’s pretty stupid really.

What's The Fancy Island? Good question. Just next to Strangeways prison and only a mere stone’s throw from Manchester’s slick centre, lies a true rat-pit of questionable activity. I’ve seen loads of stuff happen here, such as an aggressive man chase a prostitute with a two-by-four and a creep lying in an alley trying to lure small boys into his lair.

In amongst all this, there’s loads of naff wholesale shops that sell everything from low-end Halloween costumes to fake Air Jordans made out of cardboard and fuzzy felt. All these shops have mad names like EEZZEE and Vibe Centre.

Getting to the point now, coming up with titles for things is pretty difficult, so a few years ago when I was cobbling together a zine, I nicked the name Urban Mist from one of these shops, and then, when I went to set up a Tumblr during the carefree pre-Instragram era, I nabbed ‘Fancy Island’ from a similar establishment.

I think Fancy Island has closed down now, but it’s no doubt been replaced with yet another shop with a daft name selling cheap batteries and t-shirts with swear words on the front.

Whilst I’m explaining names, I’ll state that Red Steps is a classic spot in Manchester that I ride past on my way to work every day. It boasts a rusty, needle-thin flatrail, a few small stair-sets (that are indeed red) and a large flow of gormless students to crash into. I’m not too sure why I named a magazine after it, but it just struck me as a funny name for a spot and I was struggling to think of anything else.

One thing I struggle with is balancing how to take BMX seriously while balancing a sense of humor about it as well; i.e. it's pretty goofy but is also this amazing vehicle for new experiences, ideas, and a pretty incredible community. Do you ever think about this? Like with most things in life (except crucial necessities like eating and breathing), riding bikes is pretty stupid and abstract if you try and think about it too hard. That said, I don’t see why bike riding should look goofy (apart from actual goofy-footed grinding - as a self-confessed goofy grinder myself I’ve got a lot of time for George D, Ralph and Dave McDermott) — riding is loads better than pretty much all other activities, but it’s constantly being made to look daft, when it could so easily look dope.

I think to stay juiced and not turn sour, you’ve got to completely ignore most things going on with riding and stick firmly to the bits that you like. I treat riding like music or films or anything else. In the same way I don’t go to the cinema to watch big summer blockbusters, I don’t spend my free time watching Corey Martinez edits or endless hours of footage from some zany mega-comp.

I’m a simple man. As far as riding is concerned, I like smith grinds, bottles of Heineken, Galaxy chocolate, black and white photos, sitting on benches and talking complete nonsense. The rest of it is irrelevant to me.

I constantly hear/read people complain about the lack of BMX magazines but there's so much cool stuff being printed right now. We've discussed this in email a bit but it seems weird that people are complaining. It's almost like people just have an idea of what they think a magazine should be and if it doesn't have look or read a certain way they are just confused. How do you feel about all of this? A solid group of people do buy things and support these independent projects and whatnot, but I think it’ll take a while for the loud-mouthed Instagram warlords to come to terms with the fact that the new magazines around might have different names to the ones they used to subscribe to 15 years ago. I suppose it’s maybe easier to talk about the lack of magazines out there than actually go to the effort of seeking them out, but having said that, it’s not exactly hard to find stuff these days.

I remember years ago hunting down anything beyond Dig or Ride was an absolute hassle involving a lot of e-mail mither and blind faith - but now with yourself, Berks St. and 90East stocking interesting stuff in America, me and Clarky doing Central Library over here and the newly formulated Wiretap down under, it’s easier than ever for anyone to get their hands on zines and DVDs and all that.

The new stuff that’s coming out now is ten times better than Dig or Ride ever were anyway. Endless contest reports and dull bike checks have fallen by the wayside, and I haven’t seen a photo of Jimmy Levan’s zebra-print leggings in years. Things are really looking up.

What do you do for work? Thoughts on pursuing money via BMX and also what's the best job you've ever had? By day I work in an office writing stuff for a clothes shop. As you can imagine, trying to come up with an interesting way to talk about the 659th blue shirt you’ve seen this week can get a bit tough, but I can’t complain too much really. The office is fairly warm and there’s a kettle in the kitchen.

As for pursuing ‘serious wonga’ via riding, I’m one step ahead of you. Central Library has just received big investment from Duncan Bannatyne and Deborah Meaden (of Dragon’s Den fame), meaning we’re finally able to stock all those bizarre Caramac-coloured tyres that real bike shops seem to stock. We’re also expanding our print line to offer crime fiction and the Goosebumps novels. My main aim in life is to become one of those creepy industry characters who spends their time sniffing around young and naïve talent in the hopes of flogging a few ‘dad caps’.

My finest job was probably working for my dad in the family trade of dry stone walling (which explains my surname). I’m not sure if dry stone walls exist in America, but they’re those fairly humble looking stone walls you see dividing up the fields and forests around the English countryside.

Anyway, building them isn’t too bad as far as manual labour goes. When it’s raining and you’re miles up some hill wallowing in the mud lugging big stones around with nothing more for lunch than a chicken and mushroom Pot Noodle and a Penguin biscuit, then it’s a little miserable – but on a good day when the sun is shining and you’re working with ‘good stone’, it’s hard to beat.

The best days were when my dad would fall asleep just a few minutes before the end of the lunch hour, basically extending the break for at least another 45 minutes. Thinking about this job now, I’m not sure why I ever gave it up.

Do you have any other hobbies besides riding? Yeah, but I’d say the lines were pretty blurred. This is maybe a pretty boring answer, but I suppose riding lends itself to other hobbies pretty well. I might be wrong, but I don’t think keen swimmers or budding javelin-throwers get into photography or making videos in quite the same way. It’s sort of like the ‘pillars of hip-hop’ or something – riding, taking pictures, messing round with video stuff and generally snooping around all fits together nicely (or at least it does in my peppered mind).

It’s not like I’m slipping on my Etnies t-shirt for my weekly two hour power sesh and then the next night I’m wearing some short-shorts down at the climbing wall. Even when I’m on holiday with my wife, I’m still just snooping around the same way - we’re not buying tickets for some naff rollercoaster or dining out at exclusive restaurants with Abe Froman.

Are you able to take time off of riding and not feel like you're missing out or feel guilty? I have one friend who really goes in on the guilt tripping if I don't ride. Related: You said you like sitting on benches. Can you do that on a nice day? At the age of 28, I’d like to feel like I can just about deal with a few missed sessions. Obviously I still need a comprehensive run down of spots seshed and feats accomplished when I’m away, but it’d be mad if I was out all the time. The human body can’t handle that much raditude.

Fear of things going un-photographed does creep in sometimes, but Clarky will have filmed it anyway, and Gaz and Wozzy are better photographers than me, so if they’re about then hopefully someone caught the action.

Moving onto the subject of benches, these babies really come into play during my dinner break at work. I get on fine with everyone there, but when the clock strikes twelve I’m not going to be sat in the office spilling reheated chilli over my keyboard… I’m straight out into the city centre on full sit-off mode – hopefully getting into some daft conversation with one of Manchester’s many vagabonds.

A few months ago I was sat in town when I was approached by a fairly scruffy gentleman who was bleeding loads from his forehead after someone kneed him in the skull. The rest of my lunch break was spent trying to sort him out a bit. One meal deal, some wet wipes and a pack of king-skins later, he seemed alright. You don’t get these hijinks sat inside all day.  

I was just thumbing through the new Red Steps (nice job) and I just realized how much I enjoy your interviews -- what is it that you like about interviews? Not trying to stroke the ego here but you are really good at it... Cheers. Any ego strokes are much appreciated. This maybe sounds a bit daft, but I want to know everything. This is probably evident to the people who know me, but I’m a complete mither, completely hassling everyone with questions all the time.

This pesky nature extends into everything, meaning that I spend a lot of time reading a lot of interviews about the things that I’m into. I buy a lot of old copies of magazines like Wire, Ray Gun and Sidewalk on eBay, and even though the interviews contained within those pages might have been conducted in the corner of a pub maybe 25 years ago, they’re still worth reading today.

A proper interview with a little intro and some photos laid out nicely on a page… it’s mint – it’s a finished thing – sort of like a well-edited video or something. I know a lot of people are into ‘podcasts’ these days, and that’s fair enough, but to me – they’re not complete enough. I don’t want to hear people say ‘um’ and ‘err’ all the time, and I want something sick to look at (and by that, I don’t mean a load of pundits sat around a table with headphones on).  

I’m going to rattle on here whilst I’ve got the chance. Anyone reading this who gets the opportunity to answer questions for an interview, a ‘bike check’ or anything else…don’t just write a lazy sentence for each answer – go mad. Tell some funny stories. Or if you’ve got nothing to say, just make something up. No one cares about how responsive your headtube angle is or how you ‘usually just cut the bars down’. This could be your only chance to air your thoughts into the wider world, and you’re going on about what PSI you put in your tyres? COME ON PLEASE TRY HARDER YOU BORING GIMPS.

(above) Spread from Sam’s zine, Latvia Photos. (below) Cover of Sam’s zine, Around Town.

You also make photo zines/books not related to riding. Do you have any high art aspirations with this stuff? No real aspirations I’m afraid. Wine gives me bad heartburn, so I generally try and swerve anything resembling a gallery opening schmooze-off. As I was sort of saying before, making photo zines is just an extension of everything else. I like taking photographs, so it makes sense to put them together. It’s all pretty small-time really – it’s not like I’m getting thousands printed.

To be honest, it’s all a complete faff that I could easily avoid by not bothering and just sitting around watching American power-dramas, but it’s good to have stuff to look back on – even if it’s just a 40 page zine that nine people will see.

Crouching under a tattered old curtain processing rolls of film every night whilst being mithered by my cat isn’t particularly glamorous and I’d imagine there are probably easier ways to get cosy with the artistic elite.

What's your favorite slang word? Going back to my walling days, my dad uses some pretty intriguing slang terms. Unlike inner-city slang, which will usually be documented in music or useless BBC3 comedies, these more rustic words don’t get much recognition. I don't use these terms myself, but I certainly respect them. Here’s a few choice cuts…

“A few skins on the job” – a large workforce “Keitel” – a fairly humble work-jacket “Bait” – lunch “Bray it – hit it “Kessen” – when an unclipped sheep falls over onto its back and can’t get up due to its weight. This happens more often than you’d think.

You can buy scoop up a copy of Sam’s magazine, Red Steps, in the Challenger web shop here, look at the online shop, The Central Library, that Sam runs with Clarky here, and check out some of his other photo zines/books here.

[donheisenberg]

Top 20 TV Shows of 2017:

So this is the bit where I talk about how difficult it is to write a top 20 list because of peak TV, yada, yada, yada. If you are into TV criticism you have read it all before several over the last few years, the thing is while it might feel like a cliche it is totally true and with every year it become more true. Trying to watch everything out there is impossible and trying to then narrow down what you have watched to a list of 20 is almost as difficult. Every show on this list had an outstanding year as shown by some of the shows I left off of the list. In any other year the likes of Curb Your Enthusiasm and The Americans would be givens even if they just had middling seasons but not this year. It was truly a great year for TV and here are my top 20 shows of 2017.

Shows I Did Not Get Around to Watching/Completing That May Have Made My List: The Deuce The Handmaid’s Tail (to watch) Legion (to watch) Better Things Search Party Difficult People

Honorable Mention: Rick and Morty (season 3): Shout out to Review as well, which was excellent but just had to few episodes for me to really count it. In terms of Rick and Morty it was often in the news (or at least the twitter news) for the wrong reasons this year as a group of its fans decided to act like complete dickheads for a period of time. All of which deflected from the fact it had its best season ever. I’ve always had issues with the show and basically how pro-Rick and his asshole behavior Harmon and co seem to be and this year didn’t necessarily dissuade me of that but on a week to week basis it was crafting, ambitious and well thought out stories, at a rate the show had never before.

No 20: Fargo (season 3): As many observed this was not Fargo’s finest year and it maybe took a while to get going. It is also the case that 3 seasons in it is tougher for a show as idiosyncratic as this one to surprise us. When a seemingly major character dies in episode 1 it is less of a shock than it should be because that is what happened in season 1. Yet at the same time I so enjoyed this season and the performances by the likes of Carrie Coon (more on her later), Ewan MacGregor and David Thewlis and you still had episodes as excellent as The Law of Non-Contradiction.

No 19) Veep (season 6): Similar to Fargo this was a just slightly below average year for Veep, but even then the quality of the ensemble is so far above any other comedy out there and the quality of the writing/jokes/insults is again just of the highest order. There are few shows I enjoy more than Veep.

No 18) Master of None (Season 2): In my review I did write about how aspects of MON did frustrate me. For it’s social awareness, it is a show that wants me to desperately feel sorry for the man with seemingly the nicest/most privileged life in the world. The extent to which the show is essentially lifestyle porn at times can be a problem and the extent to which the show never questions Dev’s actions can also be a little off-putting. Yet having said that the good outweighs the bad and then some. The show crafts so many beautiful fully realized episodes and months after watching it is episodes like Thanksgiving that stick with me, more than the show’s flaws.

No 17) The Young Pope (Season 1): I’m not sure I get The Young Pope. I love it but I’m not sure I get it. Even in this age of weird TV there is something truly odd about this show. So difficult to write about because it does not conform to any conventions or labels and that’s why it makes this list. Having said all of this I’m not quite sure the show ever hit the heights of its pilot (even if it remained excellent throughout) and that’s why it is not a little bit higher.

No 16) Brockmire (Season 1): Brockmire is exactly the sort of gem that can get lost in this golden age, but for those few of us who did see it we know that it was one of the most raucous, hilarious and endearing comedies out there. I don’t know or care about baseball at all but I do love Brockmire and can’t wait til it comes back.

No 15) Brooklyn Nine Nine (season 4/5): Just as Brockmire can get lost in a sea of amazing shows, B99 is the sort of show that you can take for granted so easily but 5 seasons in and it is still full of heart and brilliant gags. More than that though this year on a couple of occasions we saw the show break-out of its comfort zone with episodes about Terry being racially profiled and more recently Rosa coming out to her less than progressive parents. Those episodes showcased a different side of the show and demonstrated how B99 is not just a great sitcom but an important one. Nine Nine!

No 14) Preacher (Season 2): Parts of season 2 of Preacher were as good as anything on TV. The opening scenes of the first two episodes, as well as standout episode Sokosha plus a whole host of other moments, showed how Preacher could execute some of the most ambitious TV out there to near perfection. It was not all perfect and the season might have benefited from being 10 episode long rather than 12 but nonetheless I love this show and it seems to only go in one direction. Bring on season 3.

No 13) GLOW (Season 1): GLOW was sort of the perfect summer show. It was funny and likable and so binge-able. Netflix makes a lot of deeply serialized shows, designed to be consumed in one sitting so as you find out what happens next. Glow was not that. What GLOW was, was a show that quickly established an ensemble of distinct and interesting characters who you wanted to spend time with and for that it was a standout show.

No 12) Better Call Saul (Season 3): It pains me to put BCS at number 12, in any other year this could be a contender for my number 1 spot but here it does quite make the top ten. Part of the reason why it is a little lower than you might have excepted is that at this stage I don’t have to tell anyone how good this show is. Into it’s third season and BCS was possibly better than ever. Certainly episodes like the chilling Lantern and in particular Chicanery mark series high points and some of the finest TV I’ve seen all year.

No 11) American Vandal (Season 1): American Vandal is a curious show. It is ostensibly a parody, yet by the time you finish it you look back and think that was funny but not funny enough to be making this list necessarily. What it was though was the most engrossing show of the year. And it all centred on the question “who drew the dicks?” Yet for the silliness of the premise I could not have been more intrigued. AV found new ground for the most tired of sub-genres, the mockumentary and in the process delivered an absurd but in many ways tragic story of a stupid but well meaning kid in high school whose life goes array for reasons that have little to do with him. Defining the pleasures of the show may not be straight, but boy was it insanely watchable-the Netflix model at its best.

No 10 )Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (Season 3): Similar to B99, UKS is the sort of consistent joke machine that you can take for granted, and that many have, but for me this year there were few shows enjoyed nearly as much as it. I thought the show delivered its best season. The work of Ellie Kemper and in particular Titus Burgess can match any comedic performers on TV. Again though amidst all the laughs is a very human character study piece of an abuse victim and maybe where the show’s genius thoroughly lies  is in the way the show balances these two sides of itself.

No 9) Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (Seasons 2/3): Rachel Bloom’s musical comedy/drama goes from strength to strength. Like many shows of this list it perfectly balances cartoonish sensibilities with discussions on mental health and never more so than in the first half of season 3. In addition to that though are the musical numbers. At times I’m just in awe of how spot on and clever their parodies, my favorite this year being “Let’s Generalize About Men” and for that it had to make my top ten.

No 8) Bojack Horseman (Season 4): In its 2nd and particularly 3rd seasons Bojack became a show that delivered some of the most outstanding individual episodes of television, possibly ever. Escape From LA, Fish Under Water and That’s Too Much Man are just incomparable half hours of TV. Season 4 did not deliver a single episode of quite that standard. What season 4 did do though is deliver quite possibly the show’s most consistent, revealing and hopefully season. Something we all needed at the end of the show’s previous season.

No 7) Catastrophe (Season 3): Okay it was only 6 episodes along, but I ask this question every year, is there a better written show on TV? There might be snappier dialogue out there, there might be more profound existential musings on some other show, but there is no show with more wonderfully naturalistic dialogue on now or possibly ever. Also there is not really a couple of TV I root for quite as much as Sharon and Rob and I really just want to watch the two of them on screen together as much as possible.Plus the final episode of season 3 was just the perfect send-off for Carrie Fisher and for that alone it deserves it place on my list.

No 6) Jane The Virgin (Season 3/4): Now four seasons in Jane the Virgin still has the power to surprise and hit me emotionally as much as just about any show on this list. I would go as far as to stay no episode of television this year hit me as hard as (spoilers) Michael’s death which was absolutely devestating. But when it comes to Jane the Virgin it is not just the big gut-punches that count, it is the smaller moments as well. The other scene that sticks with me most from its episodes this year is when Rogelio (often the show’s most comic presence) opens up to Xo about how he hasn’t been able to grieve properly for Michael, who was his best friend, because he knew he had to be strong for Jane while she was grieving. It is a comparatively small moment but every bit as resonant. I can take or leave all the intrigue concerning the Marbella but week after week the show delivers moments that really effect me, which even in this golden age can’t be said of too many show.

No 5) Twin Peaks (Season 3): It seems to me that Twin Peaks has either been number 1 or completely absent from every critics list. And I can understand both positions. Twin Peaks was fascinating in a way that television and art more generally rarely is. It was also incredibly and deliberately frustrating at times. I’m almost reluctant to point out how obviously frustrating parts of the revival were because I feel like I might be missing something. On the other hand because its Lynch and because he is a widely and rightly acknowledge genius I think some critics have been too forgiving of some pretty blatant narrative issues, that on another show they would have lambasted. Ultimately though it was the TV event of the year and nothing quite engaged me on a week to week basis like it did. More than anything though there were certain moments, particularly toward the end of the season, that were greater than anything else on TV this year. Moments I completely lost myself in, in ways that are quite difficult to explain and for that I won’t be forgetting the revival for a very long time.

No 4) Mr Robot (Season 3): If season 1 was clinically perfect, in a way no show since Breaking Bad has been, season 2 was an over-ambitious, definitely fascinating, mess. I was a bit of an apologist for the largely disliked second season-but even I was somewhat disappointed after the heights of season 1. Season 3 not only got the show back on track but it found a balance in the ensemble that neither season 1 (which was almost all Elliot) or season 2 (which felt like very little Elliot) had. It also starting making sense again and the show successfully battled the urge to be overly opaque or to have unnecessary twists. All of which meant that we got some of the show’s finest hours yet specifically the thrilling fifth and sixth episodes as well as the surprising and heart-warming eight hour, not to mention the finale which had a bit of everything. And for all its pessimism few shows made me happier this year, because I was so delighted to see this great show prove all the doubters wrong.

No 3) The Good Place (season 1/2): Michael Schur has secured himself a place in TV history with The Office, B99 and in particular Parks and Rec, already but with The Good Place he has gone one further. We all knew he could craft wonderfully funny and likable sitcoms, but here he has delivered a show as twisty and as engaged in huge philosophical issues as any prestige serialized drama. The Good Place is not necessarily a sad-com like many of the show’s on this list but it is possibly the most plot driven network sitcom ever. The thing is the plot has real stakes and is completely unpredictable as well. The huge twist at the end of season 1 showed that even in the age of Reddit you could pull out the rug from underneath your audience and I did not think that was possible. I don’t know how much longer they can continue it but as of now The Good Place is just about a perfect piece of television. 

No 2) Halt and Catch Fire (Season 4): Without spoiling what is number 1 on my list, when it aired I thought nothing would come near it but Halt and Catch Fire came very very close. Back in its much derided first season Halt was a jukebox spitting one antihero cliche after another. In some ways it never strayed too far from the conventions of the antihero drama but what made it different was that at a certain point it just wasn’t about antiheroes. Sure all the characters were deeply flawed, none more so than Joe, but their constant strive for something more, for some kind of connection felt so human you could not help but love them. The final four episodes were TV drama at its best and when it ended I really struggled with the notion that I would not be spending more time with these characters, but if anything made it okay it was how well they stuck the landing. Speaking of which..

No 1) The Leftovers (Season 3): No show has ever made quite the impact in such a short space of time. The Leftovers conclude its mere 28 episode run this year, just 28 episodes yet about half of them are nothing short of masterpieces. That includes just about every episode in this final run. It’s tough in just a paragraph to breakdown what made The Leftovers such a transcendent piece of television-so to be glib I’ll say it took the ambition and phantasmagoria of Twin Peaks and combined it with the heart and focus on character of Halt and Catch Fire. LOST-one of my absolute favorite shows of all time-will define Lindelof’s career but The Leftovers is ultimately a more complete and mature piece of work. The writing, performances and direction coalesced to give us something often hilarious and surprising and always deeply powerful. There may never be a show like The Leftovers again and for those reasons it was always going to be my number 1.