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dixonsdarkelf · 3 months ago

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QOTU: A Little Friendly Competition Part 1

Summary: Going on dates wasn’t always a guaranteed good time. Vec has had her fair share of shitty dates, but the nerves she had for this particular one were for a different reason. She truly liked this one, and she wanted it to go well. Thankfully, Scud shared the same sentiment, and it made for one of the best nights of their lives.

Third installment is finally here! Apologies that this one took longer than I anticipated. We get to see Vec & Scud's first date. I've been so excited to post this one, it's kinda stupid. I hope this pleases the council ('the council' is what we have dubbed our QOTU readers).

PS the shirt he's wearing is the one from the movie where he's talking to Whistler about his scars, just FYI. He just looks so good in it I had to use it. And massive thank you to @dixons-sunshine for help with the summary 🖤

Era: Pre-apocalypse, a bit over a year before the outbreak

Word count: 8.1k (this is my longest one-shot to date and it's only part 1 lmao I'm so sorry)

CW for swearing, some suggestive commentary. You are responsible for your own consumption.

We're also cross-posting on AO3 if you prefer to read it there!

My AO3 Krys' AO3

Upon hearing the vibration against the wood, Vec took her phone off her dresser, a small smile gracing her lips when she realized it was a message from him. Running a hand through her hair and brushing her bangs from her eyes, she opened the message, blood flowing to her cheeks and turning them from their normal pale to baby pink.

Josh ☺️: I can’t wait to see you later. It’s been too long 😉

They’d been talking for weeks, texting on and off throughout each day and even having a few phone calls in the evenings. During one of those phone calls was the first time he called her “Vee,” which quickly became his special nickname for her. Immediately following that conversation, she ran to Georgie, standing in her bedroom doorway and blinking repeatedly before whispering “he has a nickname for me” in the most lovesick tone possible.

She’d hardly stopped talking about this ‘cutie with the bandana’ in recent weeks. Now, it was time to make their first date a reality.

“What kind of makeup are you thinking?” Georgie asked. She began rifling through a stack of eyeshadow palettes Vec kept on her dresser, opening each to examine the colors before setting them down. “I know you usually like to keep it lighter on first dates.”

“Nah, I’m wearing that full-coverage shit,” Vec commented, pulling a small glass bottle of foundation from the drawer, “I’m not about to be looking like a tomato all night long.”

She spent hours curling her hair, having to take a break halfway through and recruiting her best friend to help finish the job when her arms got tired.

“Gin, can you help me?” Vec practically begged as she stepped out into the living room, half of her head in curls while the other remained pin straight.

“I was wondering when you were going to ask,” Georgie chuckled, setting her stack of papers on the glass coffee table to join her in the bathroom. Every time Vec curled her hair, she insisted she could do it all herself, and every time, she requested Georgie’s help somewhere between halfway and three-quarters of the way done.

As a surgeon, she typically wasn’t allowed to have her nails painted. However, since she was off for a couple of weeks taking some much-needed and well-deserved PTO, she decided to treat herself, opting for some black acrylics. electing to keep them short as long nails could make date night plans more difficult.

She also recruited Georgie’s help in picking an outfit, the pile of different dresses, skirts, and more on her bed becoming too much to sort through on her own. Walking back into the living room, she simply grabbed Georgie’s hand without saying a word, taking her back into her room for her to get an eyeful of the mountain of clothes occupying her place of rest, and Georgie knew just what that meant. Vec hated to pull Georgie from her work, but she also knew if she didn’t, one, she would never hear the end of it, and two, she would never be able to garner up the courage to leave the house.

“You didn’t already have your outfit picked out?” Georgie teased, grabbing different tops off of hangers and adding them to the pile, “what, are you gonna go in your scrubs?”

Vec chuckled, the sweet sound of amusement rising from the depths of her chest sounding like music to Georgie’s ears. “I mean, he has already seen me in them, and he still seemed to be into—“ she paused and used her hands to gesture up and down her body “—all of this.”

The pair eventually settled on something simple, pairing a long-sleeved black sweater with a black skirt and a pair of fishnets. Taking extra precaution, she slipped a pair of shorts on under her skirt, the shorts long enough to just cover the tattoos on the back on her thighs.

Grabbing her favorite fragrance off her dresser, she gave her neck, décolletage, and wrists a few spritzes, rubbing her wrists together to ensure the scent settled. The little bottle of vanilla-scented spray was a gift from her mom for her high-school graduation, and it had been dubbed her “lucky perfume” after many an instance of it coming clutch. She only wore it for the most special of occasions—her white coat ceremony, Match Day, her birthday—and this, a first date with a man she was already falling head over heels for, was a very, very special occasion.

Taking one last deep breath and draping her hair over her shoulders, she gave herself one final look-over in her mirror and flattened her sweater. She did one small twirl, watching her skirt flow around her thighs and her curls bounce as they settled back into place.

Making her way back into the living room, she stood in front of her best friend, who’d been spending her evening grading papers when she wasn’t helping her prepare for her date. She anxiously cracked her fingers before repeatedly wiggling them in some pathetic attempt to rid herself of all the nervous energy cooped up inside her body. “What do you think?”

Looking up from her work, a massive smile spread across Georgie’s face as she took in the sight of her bestie before her, all dolled up and dressed to impress. “You look hot.” Giving her a slow up-down with her eyes, something caught her attention. “You’re not wearing the push-up this time?”

Vec was a smaller gal, some curves but nothing crazy, and her chest was by far her biggest insecurity. She always wore the only push-up bra she owned on dates, attempting to boost her confidence by making her small chest not look so small. This time was different. “No. I’m, uh, going for…authenticity this time.”

“Wow. You must really like this one,” Georgie commented, setting her red pen down on the table and rising to her feet. She could only think of one other occasion where her Dia hadn’t worn that illustrious push-up, and that was back in undergrad.

“Yeah,” Vec replied in a sickly, tooth-rotting tone, her cheeks becoming flushed under her full-coverage face. She twirled away from Georgie long enough to slip on and zip up her combat boots.

“Well, he’s a lucky man, getting to take you out.”

Pacing the living room of their shared apartment, she kept her eyes glued to the floor as she began gently scratching at the side of her left thumb with her index finger, the primary telltale sign of her anxiety. “Gin, I feel like I wanna throw up and die.”

“Throw up, sure, yeah. That makes sense. And I’ll certainly hold your hair back if you do,” Georgie assured, crossing over from the couch and standing off to the side of Vec as she continued to pace. She followed her with her eyes back and forth from the entryway to the TV stand and back again. “But die? That feels a bit overdramatic, even for you, Dia.”

“Not helping.” Her tone was unintentionally stern, and she was immediately kicking herself. “I didn’t mean to snap, I’m just so worked up, and not in the fun way.”

Georgie couldn’t help but snicker in response. Even when she was “worked up, and not in the fun way,” her best friend was still cracking jokes and being her overdramatic, unhinged self. “Just try to take a deep breath, okay? Think of this as a day out with one of your friends, just a casual get-together. Less pressure that way.”

“Right…just a hangout…” Vec whispered between deep breaths, “…until one of us is flirting every two fucking seconds.”

“And if anything goes wrong on this ‘hangout’, I’m only a phone call away, remember? I’ll drop everything and come to you if I need to.”

“I know. I’m just super worked up right now. I mean, what if he thinks I’m too bold?”

She snickered again, this time a little louder and with a hint of surprise in her tone. Never had Vec been concerned about being “too bold,” especially for a man. For her to be worrying about something like that meant this ‘cutie with the bandana’ must’ve been special. “It sounds like you were pretty bold back at the auto shop, and he seemed into it. I think if he thought you were “too bold” then you wouldn’t be here now,” Georgie assured, “and if he does decide you’re “too bold,” then it’s his loss.”

Slowing down before coming to a stop, Vec finally ceased her pacing, turning to Georgie as she adjusted her glasses on her nose. “You’re right. I’ve already been pretty bold. I’m just stuck in my own head.”

“Well, let’s get you out of there then.” Georgie stepped closer to her and began brushing hair out of her eyes, adjusting her curls, and looking her outfit over to ensure there wasn’t a speck of dust in sight. “Tell me what the plan is again.”

“Umm, I’m meeting him at the bowling alley, and I’m not sure after that,” Vec explained, resting the urge to bite at her bottom lip as to not get lipstick on her teeth, “we might go get food or something, I don’t know. I feel too sick to eat right now.”

“Babe, can you take a deep breath for me?” Georgie asked. Vec nodded, and she forced herself to take a deep, calming breath in through her nose and out through her mouth. Georgie placed her hands on her shoulders before meeting her gaze. “You’re going to be fine. I’m sure once you get there, all of your nerves will just melt away. You’re Lydia Rae Vector, the best way this man could be spending his Friday night.”

Vec would’ve been lying if she said the mini pep-talk from her Ginny didn’t do a number in terms of boosting her ego. “Well, I don’t know about the best way, but definitely a good one.” She took her phone out long enough to look at the time before sliding it back into her bag. “I should get going. I’m supposed to be there in twenty minutes. And you know me, gotta get there early.”

“Don’t forget to—“

“I know, I know. Text you every time I change locations and call with the code phrase if things get sketchy.” Every time one of them was headed out on a date or a hookup, they always reminded the other of their golden rule, as if they hadn’t been doing it their entire friendship.

As she headed out the front door, Georgie called out to her one last time. “Stay safe, have fun, and use protection! Not necessarily in that order, but you know what I mean.”

Vec rolled her eyes and scoffed as she poked her head back in the doorframe just long enough to respond. “Thanks, Gin.”

The bowling alley was only about a 5 minute drive from her place, but given the Friday night Atlanta traffic, it took her almost the whole 20 minute window to get there. After speed-walking through the ever-growing-dark parking lot, she leaned against the first counter she came across, which happened to be empty. She sent a quick text to let him know she was there and where in the building to find her. She also send a message to Georgie, letting her know she’d made it safely.

Vec: Made it. Just waiting for him.

Vec: I still wanna throw up and ✨die✨

Ginny 🌻: You’re gonna be fine. And if you don’t feel fine, I’ll be there before you know it 💛

The next message that made its way through to her was from none other than her date, and given that it was their agreed meet-up time, she figured he had to be close.

Josh ☺️: What are you wearing?

Josh: ☺️: Y’know, so I can spot you 😉

Vec: You’ll see 😉

A few minutes later, she was greeted from behind by a pair of hands over her eyes, hovering just over her glasses. In a normal situation, she would’ve whipped around before the person had a chance to say a word and clocked them in the nose. This situation was out of the ordinary in the best way.

“Guess who?” the familiar voice behind her greeted, chuckling softly.

“Gee, I wonder.” Her tone was sarcastic, amused, and flirty all at the same time, a combination that sent the mechanic’s heart plummeting into his stomach and joining the butterflies already making a home there.

“I’d offer a hint, but that would give it away,” he teased. He hoped that, even though he didn’t give the hint, she’d still catch on to what it was going to be. And catch on she did.

The fucking bandana, she thought. She didn’t say anything, but the giggly scoff that met his ears told him everything he needed to know.

Finally removing his hands from her eyes, he tapped on her shoulder to get her to spin around. Her curls bounced on her shoulders as she turned, her skirt flowing around her thighs catching his attention. At the mere sight of her, his stomach was doing backflips, and when their eyes locked, he knew he was in for one of the best nights of his life.

“Hi!” she greeted. The tone of her voice had changed to one of sheer delight, and there was almost a sparkle to it. She roped him in for a hug, her arms sliding around his neck and his instinctively traveling to her waist. He was elated about her desire for physical contact. It was a short hug, but it was just long enough for him to get a whiff of the sweet vanilla perfume on her neck.

“Damn,” she laughed, bringing her head back up and gently brushing a few stray hairs from his eyes, “no bandana this time, huh?”

He kept his hands on her waist as she worked, moving strands from one side to the other of the natural parting on his scalp. It wasn’t intentional the way his hands stayed planted there and subconsciously pulled her closer. He was simply too enraptured with the sight before him to do anything about it. “Figured I’d let the hair down for a change. But look at you. You clean up good, doc.”

“Clean up good” was an understatement, he thought. She looked beautiful, damn near ethereal, the shimmer on her cheekbone catching the fluorescent light above them. Even curled, her long hair still reached down past her chest, and the shade of dark purple lipstick she’d picked out made her cerulean eyes pop. It took everything in him to not plant one on her right then and there.

After fixing his flyaways to her satisfaction, she folded her arms over her chest and took a moment to admire him. His jeans looked damn near brand new, if she had to guess, and hit button-up was open just enough to expose his collarbone. He was wearing the same choker she’d seen on him back at the auto shop, the same choker she fantasized about curling her finger around and pulling him in for a kiss by. He was a work of art as far as she was concerned. “So do you, mechanic man,” she replied. She was well aware of his hands still on her waist and too wrapped up in the moment to care. They could’ve stayed just like that, talking all night, and she would be happy.

“You smell nice.”

“Thank you. It’s my, uh, lucky perfume.”

“What makes it so lucky?” he inquired, the usage of the L word piquing his interest.

“I only wear it for…special occasions.” She was already starting to blush under all her makeup, but thankfully, her full-coverage foundation kept the blood rushing to her cheeks a secret from her date. “And usually, said occasions work out in my favor.”

“Honored to know I’m such a ‘special occasion.’” It was in that moment, when her gaze dropped to the floor for just a second and he was pulled from his trance, that he became overwhelmingly aware of his hands on her waist that had been very slowly creeping towards her hips.

“Shit, sorry.” He didn’t pull away abruptly, but rather let his hands naturally pull away, and now, it was his turn to get a little pink. “Guess I got distracted.”

Her mind echoed Georgie’s words from earlier in the evening. Think of this as a day out with one of your friends, just a casual get-together. Yeah, that’s certainly going well so far, she thought, a smile breaking out on her face from her thoughts and the compliment from him.

“You don’t need to apologize. Does it look like I was bothered at all?” she laughed, “believe me, if I’m bothered by something, you’ll know.”

Her laugh in response provided him some relief and gave him the confidence to take her hand, running his fingers over hers and looking at his reflection in the glossy black acrylics that adorned her nails. “These look cool. Bet you don’t get to do this too often, given your job.”

“Uh, no…no, I don’t, really.” She had to fight to keep herself from sliding her fingers in between his, resisting the pull she was feeling to lock their hands together.

“You should’ve told me. I would’ve painted mine to match,” he smirked. Now, it was her turn to have the butterflies in her stomach working overtime.

Had he painted his nails before? Yes, on more than one occasion. Did he currently own a bottle of black nail polish for himself? Not at all. If she indeed had let him know what she was doing, would he have went out and bought one just to match her? Absolutely.

“I love a man who breaks gender norms,” she gushed. Her fingers trailed up to the base of his-rolled up sleeve, goosebumps forming on his skin as she worked upwards. She tugged on it gently, and her lashes fluttered as she brought her gaze from his bicep back to his eyes. “I like this shirt, by the way. It looks great on you.”

“This old thing? I don’t really pull this one out much. Glad you like it.”

“You should pull it out more often.”

That sentence in another context would go crazy, she thought, doing her best to stifle the laugh trying to creep its way out of her chest. But she was a woman who wore her thoughts all over her face, and the smile she was fighting to make smaller told him that her mind had taken the statement in a more nefarious direction.

He couldn’t help but laugh at her attempt to keep hers contained, an amused smirk crossing his lips as he did. “C’mon, I already got us set up. Just gotta get shoes.”

As she turned to round the corner, his hand trailed to her upper back, taking the end of some of her curls between his fingers, though he was careful not to dishevel them. “Guess I didn’t realize how much hair you really got. It’s still so long. How you get it all to fit in that cap you gotta wear?”

“A very tight braid and lots of practice,” she explained. His hand moved under her curls to rest on her back, migrating down to her waist. They’d only been in each other’s presence for maybe five minutes. Already, he was hardly able to keep his hands off her, and Vec was eating that shit up.

“What made you wanna grow it out?” he inquired as they approached the shoe counter.

“I like to go to renaissance festivals and dress up for them. The long hair makes for some cool styles.” An idea struck her, and she was already reaching for her bag before she could get her next sentence out. “I have some pictures. If you wanna see, I mean.”

“Hell yeah, of course I do.”

Opening to her photos, she selected the album titled ‘ren fest(ivies)’ and clicked on the first picture. “My best friend likes to sew, so she helps me make them.” She handed her phone over to him before turning to the shoe counter, their fingers lightly grazing each other as they did. Just like that fateful day back at the auto shop, the sparks that generated between them could’ve lit the entire city of Atlanta. “You can just scroll through to the end.”

As he scrolled through, he got to feast his eyes on different pictures of her posed in medieval skirts and corsets with weapons that would make any fantasy nerd proud. Like she’d said, the long hair did in fact make for some sick hairstyles, and as he continued, he found himself having to swallow a couple of times to keep himself from drooling. He could vaguely hear her comment her shoe size to the man behind the counter. Eight, maybe? He couldn’t be sure. All of his senses were focused on the pictures of the goddess in front of him.

“Wow.” It came out more matter-of-fact than he anticipated. He was enamored, and it was more than evident based on his boyish grin and the way his eyes closed ever so slightly, like he was high. “You look…” his voice momentarily trailed off before he found it again “…beautiful, badass, all of it. Your confidence is top-notch.”

She looked up from the spot she’d taken on a nearby chair as she finished tying the laces of her bowling shoes. The way he called her ‘beautiful’ had her stomach doing backflips. “Thank you. I’m already planning my outfit for the next one.”

After he put on his shoes, they headed off to their lane. His hand found her waist again as they walked, and he kept it there, like he was guiding her through a large crowd despite not a single person being in their way. She didn’t mind one bit. In fact, quite the opposite. She’d began making mental notes about what she could do to further encourage the behavior.

“I put our names in already,” he said, nodding in the general direction of the small kiosk at their lane. Peering over the frame of her glasses, she chuckled as she scanned over their names on the screen above them. Hers read ‘Vee,’ but that wasn’t the funny part.

“‘Scudster’? Really?” she laughed, that sweet giggle trailing off her tongue to meet his ears again. It wasn’t the first time she’d heard him refer to himself as that, but it was still entertaining nonetheless. “You’re so unserious, you know that?”

“I like to think my “unserious” vibes are part of the charm.” As the pins came down at the end of the lane, he took a bowling ball in his hand, gently spinning it around as to not drop it. This time, it was his turn to be struck by a positively brilliant idea. “Hey Vee, what do you say we turn this into…a little friendly competition?”

The doctor cocked an eyebrow at him, her curiosity quickly piquing, which was evident by the look in her eyes. “What did you have in mind?”

“Let’s say…if I win, I get a kiss.” Immediately fearing he’d been too forward, he waited with bated breath for her to respond or do anything that would indicate she was comfortable with the situation. When her contagious smile appeared again, her pearly whites on full display, his shoulders relaxed, and that little Machiavellian smirk of his crept onto his face.

“Aah, I see.” Crossing her arms over her chest, she racked her brain for what she could say in return. What did she want from him? Just about anything. What did she want to know about him? Everything. “Then if I win…you gotta tell me your deepest, darkest secret. And it better be a good one.”

“Lucky for me, I’m good at bowling.” Judging by his tone and resting smirk, he was feeling rather confident. “Prepare to get shredded.”

He’d put her name in first, so he kindly grabbed one of the balls and held it out to her. “Ladies first,” Scud said, giving her a friendly smile.

Vec wasn’t a complete rookie when it came to bowling. She’d been before, although it had been a while, and given the little skills she had back then, she was certain they’d since faded away. She was almost positive she was going to get “shredded,” but she didn’t dare let it show, lest he already start to think he had the upper hand.

Taking the blue bowling ball in her hands, she stepped up to the lane, rolling it back and forth in her hands and staring down the pins at the end. It’s my favorite color, she thought, that has to mean something, right?

“So how did you get into dressing up for ren fests?” His question rang in her ears as she took her first shot, his voice catching her by surprise and making her stumble. She missed her center shot, the balling rolling off to the side and into the gutter, not hitting a single pin as it traveled into the darkness at the end of the lane.

“Wow,” he teased as he approached her, “should we have put the guards up?”

“That’s not fair,” she jokingly whined, her smirk turning into a playful pout, “you distracted me.”

“Fear not m’lady, you got one more shot,” he assured, stepping away only long enough to bring the bowling ball back to her.

“So to answer your question, I’m big into fantasy shit.” She lined herself up again, taking a deep breath to help her focus. “You know Disney movies at all?”

This time, he waited until after she took her turn to respond. While the ball didn’t roll into the gutter this time, it was no strike, just barely knocking a couple of the pins over on one side. “Sure do. My favorite’s The Fox and the Hound.”

“Somehow, that doesn’t surprise me.” Scud looked over his shoulder long enough to give her a cheeky grin before lining up his first shot. Though he was determined to win their little friendly competition, he was far more interested in listening to what she had to say. “My favorite growing up was Sleeping Beauty. It was my ‘gateway drug’ into the world of fantasy. Got me into the Lord of the Rings, going to ren fests, and eventually dressing up for them.”

He rolled nearly dead center, knocking every pin over with a single strike. He turned back to her, that same cheeky grin on his face. “Oh you’re just showing off now,” she groaned, that playful joking pout making a second appearance for him. And oh, how he was loving it.

As he’d told her during their initial meeting, he’d been on the market for a while. He needed someone that could joke around with him, be able to laugh at themselves, was unapologetically authentic and genuine to their core. So far, she was checking all of those boxes and then some.

“Told you I was good.” Stepping back to her, Scud brushed some stray hairs out of her eyes, tucking them over the side of her glasses. There was hardly any, not enough to have bothered her at all, but it was enough for him to do something about it. He was looking for damn near any excuse to touch her in any capacity. And the little smile that crept up every time he did? He’d do anything to see that.

“Anyway,” she commented in an attempt to bring the conversation back, “I used to watch it so much that I’d constantly be singing the song from it around the house when I was little. My brothers used to make fun of me for it. All in good fun, of course, but they’ll still sometimes bring it up just to get under my skin. Y’know, the way siblings do.”

“You close with ‘em?” He was already lining up for his second shot of that turn, her standing over his shoulder, but far enough back to not get hit by his arm when he swung.

“Oh yeah. I have a few, we’re all really close. They’re all older. Joined the military right out of high school. Became Navy SEALs. They’re some of my best friends.”

He wouldn’t admit it to anyone—hell, he was hardly able to admit it to himself—but the mention of multiple military big-brothers did put him a bit on edge. In his mind, all it would take was one wrong move for them to come knocking on his door. He didn’t know much about the different branches of the military, but one thing he did know is that Navy SEALs were not to be fucked with.

“Don’t got any myself.” He took his second shot, once again landing another strike. Vec was beginning to wonder if he’d chosen bowling for a first date on purpose as a way to show off a little. “Had a lot of cousins growin’ up. Having kids my own age around was nice. That’s dope that you’re so close with yours.”

“I definitely got lucky. I certainly never taken them for granted.”

They continued chatting as they took turns, Scud occasionally doing a tiny fist pump when he made a strike. It wasn’t perfect, he didn’t land every single one, but it was damn near close, and Vec knew she had no chance. Still, she did her best to maintain her confidence and give the illusion that she believed she could actually win.

Every chance he got, he was grabbing her bowling ball for her, ensuring their fingers touched each time he handed it over. Even though she wasn’t nearly as skilled as he was, he hyped her up any time she knocked over even one pin. He was a jokester, and their playful, teasing banter had the butterflies in his stomach working overtime, but he also wanted her to have fun and feel good about her abilities.

“Now the big-ticket question I’ve been wanting to ask—what made you wanna become a doctor?”

“It’s kind of a silly story,” she sighed as he returned the bowling ball to her. She’d become accustomed to receiving rather snide comments when answering that question, and her evening was going too well to have it ruined over her response to a classic first-date question.

He picked up on her hesitation, the regret settling in as he worried he possibly struck a nerve or unintentionally brought up a touchy subject. He hoped a sprinkle of humor would provide some encouragement. “This is the Scudster you’re dealin’ with. Silly is my middle name.”

‘Scudster’ made her giggle and eased her nerves, so she decided she’d tell her story, hoping to whatever might be out there that he wouldn’t think it was stupid. “When I was three, one of my brothers got into an accident, landed himself in the hospital. One of the surgeons was this beautiful woman with long auburn hair, and she was wearing a floral dress and a white coat. Me, being three, saw any woman with long hair and a pretty dress and thought she was a princess, as most little girls do.”

“So I asked her. Toddled right up to her as she was talking to my mom and asked her if she was a princess. And she crouched down to my level with the biggest, brightest smile on her face and said “of course I am!” Then I turned to my mom and said “Mommy, I wanna be a princess when I grow up!” Princess, in that moment, meaning someone who wears pretty dresses and a white coat and saves lives like the way the pretty lady in front of me was saving my brother’s. Of course, as I got older, I learned what a doctor was, but I never wavered from that decision. Not even once.”

She waited with bated breath for him to say something, anything. The first thing he did was laugh, but not in a mocking way or a ‘wow, that’s stupid’ kind of way. It was the laugh of someone who’d just heard a baby giggle or watched a puppy chase their own tail. “That’s probably the most adorable thing I’ve heard in a long time.”

“You sure it’s not silly, not even a little bit? Most people think it is.” He gave her an empathetic sigh as his hand found her shoulder, and he subconsciously drew small circles with his fingers, hoping it would offer some solace. How could anyone find such a wholesome and precious story silly or stupid?

“You’re a smart woman, Vee. I’m sure you’ve gathered that I’m not “most people.” It’s super cute. I may be “unserious,” but I’m no liar.”

“Well thank you,” she replied, batting her lashes as she briefly dropped her gaze to the floor. They reveled in that pocket of time for a few moments, his hand still drawing small circles on her shoulder, and she brought her baby blues back to meet his. Blue was her favorite color, and the specific shade of his irises was quickly becoming her favorite one. “What about you, bandana boy? What got you into being an auto mechanic?”

“I used to work as an inventor. That’s just more of a hobby now.” He stepped away long enough to take the red bowling ball he’d been using for his next turn. “My dad taught me stuff about cars when I was younger, so that and the inventor skills carried over nicely into being a mechanic.”

Vec’s ears perked up at the mention of the word ‘inventor.’ Given how fascinating he already was, she didn’t think it was possible, but he’d just gotten a lot more interesting. “An inventor, huh? That’s so cool! What kind of stuff do you make?”

He took his turn before responding to her inquiry. “Used to make weapons for this guy. One might say he was kind of a sketchy character, but he was a nice guy. Never gave me any trouble unless he was up my ass about not getting something done fast enough.”

“You’re cute, funny, and you have cool hobbies? It’s like I won the jackpot or something.” She blinked a few times and shook her head gently, like she was shaking herself from a trance, before stifling a breathy chuckle and locking eyes with him. “I’m doing the thing again, aren’t I?”

She’d been bold from the moment they met—hell, even before that, given the initial bandana comment she’d made about him to his boss—but he found it cute that there were moments that she thought she was being ‘too much.’ He’d never once thought she was too much. There weren’t any words in the English language that captured how much he loved how forward, brazen, and shameless she was.

“Told you I liked how bold you are,” he assured, giving her a delicate pat on the small of her back, “I’ll be right back. Gotta hit up the little boy’s room. Try not to have too much fun without me.”

As he sauntered off, she took the opportunity to check in with her best friend. Leaning back against the kiosk, she took her phone from her bag and saw that she had a new message from Georgie.

Ginny 🌻: How’s it going? ☺️ Are you having fun? 💛

Vec: I don’t think it could be going any more perfectly. I can’t wait to tell you about it 💙

Vec: He’s kicking my ass though

Ginny 🌻: Can’t have that, now can we?

Vec: Well, it wouldn’t be so bad if he won ☺️

Ginny 🌻: Oh???

Vec: Maybe he’ll get a little 💋

Ginny 🌻: OH 👀

Chuckling softly to herself, she slipped her phone back into her bag, returning it to its home on the kiosk. She tapped her foot on the floor, taking a deep breath and focusing on the clicking of the bowling shoe on the wood. It was a small attempt, but she hoped it would be enough to rid herself of the anxious energy creeping through every inch of her body. When he was around, it was like all of nerves channeled themselves into her flirting, but the moment she was alone with her thoughts, she was spiraling.

“Didn’t have too much fun without me, did you?” His voice startled her, but not enough to make her jump.

“Of course not,” she replied, giving him a gentle nudge to the shoulder with hers, her voice laced with sarcasm. He scanned his baby blues over her face, stopping briefly on her lips before meeting hers again, and for a moment, she thought he might plant one on her.

He wanted to, though. He badly wanted to. But his own nerves, and the thought in the back of his mind of her military brothers kicking his ass if he made a wrong move, were getting in his way.

“The glitter looks cool,” he complimented, haphazardly gesturing to his own cheek.

Despite the gesturing, she cocked an eyebrow, confused. “What glitter?”

“Tilt your head up,” he instructed, but before she could do it on her own accord, he had his fingers under her chin, gently tipping her head back and adjusting the position until her cheekbone caught the light, “to the side, a little more, there you go.” He tapped gently on her cheekbone, careful not to ruin or smudge her hard work. “Right there.”

Vec was clenching her teeth to keep herself grounded in reality. If she didn’t, she was certain she would fold on the spot. Every time he touched her, she was ready to melt like putty in his hands, and she just hoped he couldn’t feel the heat radiating off of her cheeks from her blushing.

“Oh, that’s highlighter,” she explained, “it’s a shimmery powder you put on areas you want to…well, highlight, make stand out.” She shook her head softly to allow the highlight on her nose to catch the light. “Got it here too.”

Everything she said, he looked at her like it was the most damn interesting thing in the world, regardless of how ‘unimportant’ it seemed. Even something as simple as the shimmer on her cheekbones intrigued him, and it certainly didn’t go unnoticed by her.

“You’re gonna have to show to me how you do that. It looks great.”

“I’m not a professional by any means, but thank you.” She tore her eyes from his long enough to look up at the screen and see that it was their last turn for this round.

“I’d love to be able to make a strike, even just once,” she sighed, crossing her arms over her chest.

“I could help. Get you set up perfectly and all that,” he offered. He didn’t even bother trying to hold back how eager he was. “If you want, that is.”

“Yeah.” Her smile softened as she met his gaze again. “I’d like that.” The look in her eyes and the way she said “I’d like that” had his heart pounding against the inside of his ribcage.

He grabbed the infamous blue bowling ball and met her at the lane, standing behind her after handing it over. “So you gotta line it up just right.” His hands found her hips, keeping his touch light as he coaxed her to shift to the center. “This good?”

“It’s great,” she replied, her voice cracking as she fought to control her anxiety. She’d hoped that the nosies of other families surrounding them would mask the crack in her voice, but his breath tickling her ear as he chuckled told her otherwise. Despite her boldness, Scud had noticed her getting flustered all evening, and to him, it was nothing short of adorable.

“You wanna aim just off of dead center to account for it curving.” Now, it was her turn to have her heart hammering against the inside of her ribcage as he adjusted her arms and straightened her shoulders, all while keeping his spot right behind her.

Taking a deep breath to calm down—both from the mounting pressure she was placing on herself to make a strike and having a handsome man who couldn’t keep his hands off her mere inches from her back—she followed his directions to a T, rolling just off of dead center and allowing the ball to curve as it traveled down the lane.

Boom. Strike.

“Oh my God, I did it!” Vec cried, twirling in circles a few times before launching into Scud’s arms. She threw her arms around his neck, practically squealing with delight, the excitement coursing through her body rapidly bubbling over. His chuckling in her ear was one of the sweetest sounds she’d ever heard. However, when his arms snaked around her waist, it occurred to her she might’ve gotten a little carried away. “Shit, sorry, I got excited.” She went to pull away, but he kept her in place, wrapping his arms around her further until her chest was flush with his. He wanted to stay in that little pocket of time forever.

“Don’t apologize.” He was reveling in the moment, and the last thing he wanted was for her to be feeling sorry for it. “You crushed it, Buttercup.”

She picked her head up to look at him, her curls tickling his cheek. Despite only a subtle cock of her eyebrows, the confusion on her face was obvious. “What did you call me?”

“Buttercup. Like the Powerpuff girl. Seems fitting for you.”

“I’m choosing to take that as a compliment.”

“You should, ‘cause it was certainly meant to be one. She’s always been my favorite.” She looked beautiful with her face done, but he loved seeing her blush with every compliment he gave. He could only hope she was turning red under her makeup. And she certainly was.

“Hair got all messy,” he teased, looking over the strands that had fallen in her face and flipped around her part, “guess it’s my turn to fix yours.”

He did the same as she had before, taking different chunks and moving them back to their place so her part was nice and straight again. It didn’t take long, but during those few seconds, her knees went weak, and if she hadn’t been so focused on holding herself up with her arms around his neck, she would’ve collapsed. He thought about putting his hands in her hair to fluff it before calling it quits, but he opted against it, the thought of her military big-brothers creeping back to the front of his mind. They were going to be the death of him.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a round to win.” His mischievous joke elicited an eye roll and a giggly scoff from her.

The moment he made his final strike, he did one last fist pump, turning back to her and playfully sticking his tongue like a child. “Told you you were gonna get shredded.”

She was blushing so hard this time, she was positive her cheeks were glowing & the heat radiating off her face would melt her foundation right off. She loved piercings, tattoos, any sort of body modification. Upon seeing his, her mind immediately went in the most nefarious direction imaginable.

“Whoa, you have a tongue piercing? That had to have hurt like a bitch,” she exclaimed, doing her best to mask how flustered she was despite the crack in her voice and the double take she did.

“It did, but it looks dope, so it was worth it. You like it?” She more than just liked it.

She’s definitely thinking what I think she is, he thought as a little smirk broke through, but he didn’t mind at all. He was flattered that her mind was going in that direction, and he would’ve been lying if he said his wasn’t doing the same.

“Yeah, it’s awesome. I love piercings. I’ve only got my ears done, but I don’t even get to wear earrings often because of my job. Can’t have a stud falling into somebody’s intestines or something.” She pretended to clear her throat to prevent her voice from breaking further. “Anyway, that was only round one. We’ve got two more. I still have a chance to beat you.”

Those next two rounds were much the same, consisting of them chatting and getting to know each other throughout their turns with plenty of flirtatious touching to accompany it. Despite some assistance from him, he crushed her in every single round. As it was a Friday night, it was rather noisy and busy in the bowling alley, but it was like they were the only two people in the room. They were in their own little bubble, as far as they were concerned, a bubble they could’ve stayed in eternally if they were allowed to.

“I’m a doctor, not an athlete.” she joked, balancing herself on the counter to finish putting her boots back on.

“You still did good,” he commended. When she finished with her boots, he propped his arm in her direction, indicating to her to take it if she wanted. “Guess we’ll just have to come back so I can teach you.”

Gracing him with her soft smile, she took his arm, delighted with the clear enthusiasm he had about what some might call ‘showing her off.’ It had been a long time since she’d been on a date with a man so comfortable with PDA, especially on a first date. It was refreshing, and it had her swooning big time. Scud wasn’t like any man she’d met before, and that was precisely the type of man she needed. “I guess we will.”

She clung to his arm as they stepped out into the parking lot. It was dark now, the automatic lamps in the lot having flipped on and the streets flooding with people heading out for their Friday night, end-of-the-work-week antics. She used her free hand to brush her hair out of her face, and she could feel his gorgeous ocean eyes on her, studying every microscopic move she made. Even the mundane act of her brushing some hair out of her eyes brought a smile to his face. He was falling hard, fast, and he knew it and had no problems with it.

“I don’t know about you Vee, but I’m not ready for this night to be over. You hungry at all?”

“I ate a little before I came, so I’m not ravenous, but I’m not ready to be done either.”

“There’s a nice bar up the street. What do you say I buy you a drink? I’d love to keep talking.” There was a teeny tiny sparkle in his eye at the declaration of wanting to continue their evening over drinks, and Vec couldn’t help but let her small smile warp into one that stretched from ear-to-ear.

“I’d like that.” She slipped her arm out from his, and she could’ve sworn the sparkle in his eye faded to sadness for a brief moment as she pulled away and reached for her bag, taking out her phone. “I just have to text my best friend first. It’s nothing personal, I promise. Part of girl code is keeping each other informed of our locations on dates.”

Vec: We’re walking to this nearby bar. I think it’s called Whistler’s? He didn’t say, but it’s the only one I can think of up the street.

“Nah, you got someone lookin’ out for you. That’s good,” he commented. Based on the inflection in his voice, he’d clearly taken no offense, but even if he had, it wouldn’t have mattered to her. She was simply doing what she needed to keep herself safe.

She slipped her phone back into her bag and adjusted it on her arm. Looking past his shoulder down the street, she nodded in the general direction. “You thinking we walk?”

“I was hopin’ we would.” Grazing his fingers against the back of her hand, he kept his touch light as he trailed them around and slipped them between hers. Vec had never been more thankful for the dark, and for full-coverage foundation, than she was in that moment. As she locked eyes with him, her small smile contorted into a giant grin, her delight turning his smirk into a smile. “It’s dark. Wouldn’t want you to get lost.”

Vec belongs to me

Georgie belongs to @dixons-sunshine

QOTU taglist: @ripleyswife @gothic-pumpkin @weirdoneattheparty @holdmytesseract

General taglist: @raddydaddydude @lovenormandixon @angeldemoncrowley @negansbestie

Want to become a head of the council? Hit up either myself or Krys to be added to the taglist :)

Banner, divider, and © below were also made by Krys

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thebearer · 2 years ago

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no but i love your writing! ever since i watched s1 and 2 last weekend because of a youtube ad, i peaked in the carmy tag and was a surprised to see the amount of stories carmy had! would love a scenario where he’s married to a sassy, take no shit type of reader sim to natalie. his wife legit could work with him for all i care. but for whatever reason he does something w/o checking in— he prolly just forgot. she finds out and confronts him hella pissed (could be at family or during restaurant prep idc) and she says “oh, if carmen said it was cool.” not even carmy the full government name bro 😭. p much how natalie articulated it 🤣. can’t remember the ep but in early season 1 when marcus blew the fuse you can also include slick commentary from richie (and fak) if you’d like! tysm in advance 🥰. also if you don’t me me asking, do you have name/alias on this blog? what we can call you? enjoy your week

- 🥣

yes yes yes ahhhhh! he definitely needs someone who keeps him in line but walks that fine line where he can also keep them in line (bc dom!carmy is living in my heart rent free forever lol). also you can call me e if you'd like :) thank you for your sweet words! i hope you have a good week, and hope you enjoy this!

"What's this?" You ask Sydney, looking at the new box being unloaded from the truck- big and bulky in a crate, far too large to be a produce shipment.

"Uh, I think it's the new glassware for the bar." Sydney looked at her clipboard, back at you carefully.

"Glassware? What new glassware. We haven't picked that out yet." You frowned, looking at the crate carefully.

"Oh, well, it was in Carmen's notes for the day, so... I think that's the only shipment we have. Unless the hostess stand came early, which would be amazing, but you-" Sydney stopped her ramblings, seeing your soured expression. "You know what? Never mind, uh, ignore me. I'm just...Carmen's with Sugar and Richie in the back if you want to ask him."

"Thanks, Syd." You muttered, ripping the bell open with a shrill before bounding towards the back. You could hear them before you saw them, a familiar chorus of chatter and rising voices.

"Hey, so what's the delivery out front?" You ask, not bothering to wait for them to acknowledge you. If you did, you'd never talk, they all talked over each other.

"The new glasses for the bars." Sugar turned, smiling softly at you. "How are you doing?"

"Good." You muttered, eyes cutting to Carmen. "We haven't ordered new glasses yet."

"Uh, well, I thought you liked the ones from last week, angel." Carmen's eyes were bulged, clearly flustered.

"I said I liked them for basics, but I needed you to confirm a drink menu." You glared at him, arms crossing over his chest.

"You can't put the drinks in that?" Carmen asked, hand flying out towards the hall.

"Not if you want the specialty, no." You huffed. "Carmen, I told you to wait just a few days and we could get them at the wholesale market. The textured ones for the signature at least."

"Uh-oh," Richie muttered, snickering to Fak.

"Can you not use the glasses I got?" Carmen sighed.

"I can, but did you get enough? And did we decide if the signature is going in a whiskey glass or a cylinder one? Did you order double of those?" You lifted a brow, taking a step towards him. Richie and Nat watched, heads turning from you and Carmen like a tennis match.

Carmen paused, running a hand down his face. "N-No, but-"

"-So what are you going to do when we open and you run out of drinks, huh? When everyone orders the signature and it comes in different glasses? You think those travel groupie influencers won't notice? Won't post about it and make it a big fucking deal?" You countered.

"Then we'll figure it out!" Carmen huffed. "Look I gave the order to Richie, and-"

"-Hey, no fuckin' way cousin. You gave me your order." Richie held his hand up. "Sweetheart, Carmy said it was good so I just placed the order."

"Well, if Carmen said it was good, then it must be, right? He's the fucking boss." You snarl, glaring at Carmen furiously. "Seems like you've got it under control, Carm, so I'll leave it to you." You turn on your heel, furiously stomping away.

Richie and Fak wait until they hear the slam of the office door, to release their cackles. "Oooh! Cousin, you are in the fuckin' dog house now." Richie laughed, Fak's chorus of barks emphasizing his statement.

"Shut up, ok? Just shut the fuck up." Carmen growled, running a hand through his hair.

"Carmy, why wouldn't you ask her before you ordered? She's your mixologist." Nat sighed, shoulders heavy with disappointment.

"Also your girlfriend." Sydney added, poking her head in. "I told you to wait. Just saying."

"Thank you, alright, thank you all for your fuckin' helpful words." Carmen snapped. "Just... Nat, make sure they get all that shit set up right, ok? Make sure the dishwasher fucking works before we're open, please."

The office door was shut, and Carmen hesitated, reaching for the knob anxiously. He wasn't sure if he should knock- I mean, fuck, this is his office but... you were already so mad at him. Knuckles rapping on the door, he didn't wait for the invite in- knowing he'd never get one.

Carmen found you, sniffling in a furious pout in the corner, body angled away from the door. "Baby-" Carmen started with a sigh, shoulders falling gently at your upset state.

"-Don't." You snap, wiping your eyes. "Don't even start with me, Carmen." The way you say his full name sounds so bitter, too formal and full of malice to be from you.

"I-I'm sorry. I thought we agreed on it, and-and Richie was pressuring me and... And you're right. I shouldn't have made that decision without you, and I'm sorry." Carmen said slowly, waiting for your gaze to meet his, angry, wet, waterline.

"Yeah, you shouldn't have." You agreed bitterly, wiping your eyes. "I get this is your restaurant, Carmen, but don't ask for my help if you're just gonna do what you want anyways. That's-That's not nice."

"I know." Carmen nodded slowly, approaching you with the caution he would a wild animal. "I want your help. I do, and-and I like your idea that the house drink goes in the special glass. Makes it stand out."

You lifted your gaze up to his. "Yeah?" You asked, he nodded, sitting next to you. "Did you blow your budget?"

"No," Carmen shook his head, not a total lie. Fak had been able pull some strings with the new stoves, turns out he did have a guy. It left a little over five thousand left over.

"We could go to that place, if you want to. Go look and see if they have the glasses. Get a rough estimate of about how many we'd need." Carmen offered, his hand cupping your thigh gently, thumb rubbing over your leg in soothing circles.

"As long as Sydney or Nat does the numbers and not you." You snorted lightly, rolling your eyes at him.

He laughed, nodding in agreement. "Yeah, I'll get Sugar to run 'em, alright? Then we can go. Call it an early night."

You beamed at the idea, letting him slide in next to you, melting into your side. "That sounds good." You hummed, letting your head fall on his shoulder.

"I-I'm real sorry I didn't as you ." Carmen muttered. "That was shitty."

"Yeah." You sighed in agreement. "I just... I want to be included in things." You asked, looking up at him sweetly. "Not everything, but-but at least the things that apply to my area."

"I know." Carmen nodded, his hand catching your cheek softly. "I'll let you handle it next time, alright? I trust your opinion."

"You don't have to do that-"

"-No, you're right, I don't. But-But I want to." Carmen nodded. "I know you're lookin' out for the best in this place just like I am."

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0bsequi0us · 5 months ago

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GooseBarbi HCs (nsfw and toxic obvi, it's Outlast) below the cut... I don't ship them in a "they love & cherish each other" sorta way but in a "they're using one another for their own selfish satisfaction until oh no oh shoot they accidentally formed a fucked up sort of bond what the fuck" sorta way 🥴

Usually I wouldn't post questionable low-effort shit on main but these two won't leave me the fuck alone & this ship is basically nonexistent soooo ✌️😔

Mother Gooseberry

The Futterman part of her personality acts partially as her self-preservation instinct, and as such is very wary of everything Franco does

She often flips between coy schoolgirl, strict disciplinarian and gentle maternal figure seemingly at random, but her unpredictable behavior is calculated

Pretends to be more naïve/clueless than she really is

Both the Futterman and Gooseberry personalities want to hurt Franco, though for somewhat different reasons. To Gooseberry it's a "game" or a "punishment", and to Futterman it's just out of contempt and sadism

Mother Gooseberry seems to have an inconsistent sense of sexuality-- sometimes she acts scandalized at the mere suggestion of sexuality, and sometimes she's the one making lewd remarks. Depends on her mood & what's convenient.

Service top tendencies. Franco has eagerly requested for her to sit on his face, but she doesn't allow it

Master manipulator (whether she realizes it or not)

Thinks Franco's nasty dirty little suit is very cute/handsome

Franco Barbi

Thinks he's a real romantic, or at least aspires to be. He's just really socially inept & has no self control

Actually intimidated by Gooseberry; didn't take her seriously at first but after a few life-or-death close calls he knows to begrudgingly respect her limits

...or at least he's learned how far he can go to activate her "sexy punishment" mode vs. her "actually gonna skin you alive" mode

Probably still trusts/underestimates her a liiiittle too much

Gets frustrated by how little she respects him, but also finds it really hot

Genuinely smitten. Thinks they have something special, that she "gets" him

Likes to hunt reagents alongside her... it's like the closest they get to a date. The sheer violence gets him excited, but also when she brutalizes reagents part of him is like "god I wish that were me"

After a point Franco just starts addressing Doctor Futterman as his own separate entity. Possibly started just to play along/humor her but eventually drawn into her madness

That freaky shit

Some MDLB shit DUHHH (& you know they're not even aware of proper kink etiquette)

choking spanking general manhandlinggggg

Gooseberry flips between going absolutely travis the chimp on Franco and gently kissing and tickling and cuddling and who's a good little baby sorta shit

She is selectively disapproving of his perversions, will not tolerate him pawing at her, but is like... clearly very into dominating him

Doctor Futterman is there. Always. Watching.

At first Franco just tolerates Futterman as a necessary evil, but eventually his cruel and abusive commentary fulfills the humiliation fantasy of being judged by a disapproving fatherly figure

Forcible tooth brushing 🥰

Franco thinks he found someone who matches his freak but quickly finds out that she actually gives him a run for his money... she's just more covert about it. Introduces him to types of humiliation play he never even considered

Idk if they're allowed to interact outside of Bambino type events but even if they are you know they're still doing that freaky shit in the middle of a trial

Both surprisingly physically affectionate, which grosses everyone out. Head pets, hand kisses, massages... innocent in any other context but ghoulish considering it's these two

I want her to kill him in a sex game gone right your honor

#The Outlast Trials #Mother Gooseberry #Franco Barbi #Headcanons #Phyllis has insane plot armor when I write her lmaoo. Nothing bad can be allowed to happen to her #+ everything bad and demeaning happens to Franco instead. heart emoji #Trials Brainrot

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circular-bircular · 9 months ago

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The Benefits of Being an Octopus -- Perspective

It's that time of year again!

Each year, right at the end of the school year, we read a book in the 6th grade called The Benefits of Being an Octopus, by Ann Braden. It's a personal favorite of mine, one I reread again and again each year. And each year, the end of the book makes me cry those big crocodile tears, because damn if it doesn't hit hard for me.

I like to make posts about this book, though I haven't actually made it a tradition. I've only made one other post, about the phrase "suck it up" that's used in the book, and how it really felt impactful to me as a trauma survivor -- a reminder that I needed to face my troubles, rather than just avoiding them. It was powerful when I first read it, and it's still powerful today.

However, it's time to look at other aspects. Care to look with me?

Each year, when I read the book, I realize how different the kids are. My first year, the kids were... immature. There's really no other way to say it. These were kids whose last years of elementary school were stolen from them by a plague. They had no socialization at a very very fucking important age, and that fucked things for them in a major way. The next year, the kids were... well, disenfranchised I think makes the most sense. They did not give a single shit. They couldn't. They had bigger worries.

This year... The kids cared. The kids felt. The kids... feel a little too much.

These are kids that are well aware of the world around them. We read about the war in Sierra Leone and they didn't bat an eye; we discussed child soldiers and they made jokes about war, because to them, it was normalized. It was natural. In what world is an 11 year old desensitized to this? I had to impress upon them early that these things hurt. That these things weren't just readings, but true things people go through. And I think, by the time we got to BoBaO this year, they finally got it.

Each year, I have to explain that, no, the main character cannot just stick her food in the air fryer, because they can't fucking afford one. This year, I had kids explaining to me that the chicken nuggets would probably not be fully cooked in the toaster she made them in, and that could lead to her getting sick, and that's just another sign that being in poverty leads to further issues. These kids, remember, are 11. It's so vitally important for them to understand what people around them are going through, but they get it so well. I had kids opening up to others about their own trauma; one student discussed with her table how she lived in poverty, and how the only thing that helped her was her grandmother dying, because of the payout. And even then, that led to a discussion about how people in America can't afford to die.

Like... We can all agree how fucked up that is, right?

But at the same time, I'm teaching these kids that the abuser, Lenny, was abusive the whole time. They can't see it. They don't get it. That same child came to me and said that everyone was being too harsh, and that Lenny probably was hurting too, and that's why he lashed out. I had to very gently explain to her that abuse is never okay, even if there's a reason for it. And her heart was aching for that man, because in the end of the story, the people he was abusing left him. "How will he afford things now? Shouldn't he get another chance?"

I cut off my family in August. And these insights from the conversations I'm having -- about how the systems that oppress us lead to further oppression, or how people are still hurting and that doesn't negate the pain they've caused -- has really put a lot of my own healing into perspective.

It's a running commentary in the planning room about the kids we see growing up. Students spend the majority of their time with strangers they call teachers, and their parents rarely raise them. I think to my own experiences as a kid in school, and I realize just how... different it all is. And I wonder if those comments we have in the planning room were said about me. Particularly, "that's a kid whose parents are going to lose him." We say that frequently about the students who have helicopter parents. There's nothing we can do -- we aren't actually the parents of these kids, after all. But there's something so... insert an emotion here that describes what I feel when I look at these kids and see who I used to be. Like...

I see these parents, hovering over them, and I wonder, do they know that they're Lenny? Do they know that they're discrediting their children? Do they realize the amount of manipulation they're using, and how I am teaching these kids to recognize that? Do they know they will lose them?

Did Lenny know?

This year, more than any, I've gotten asked if there is a sequel to this book. And I always have to tell them, no. And they always respond with what they want from the sequel that isn't -- "Zoey escapes poverty" being a big one, or "I wanna see what Aurora is like when she grows up!"

I sat down one afternoon and thought about the potential sequel. I know what I would write, if I wanted to sit down and write fanfiction for this novel. I know, as a traumatized person, that Zoey's life isn't just going to be magically fixed... I want her to be a social worker when she grows up, someone who fights hard to protect kids from people like Lenny. I want her to be traumatized like me, but in therapy for it, and working hard to overcome her struggles.

But I also... weirdly want to see her siblings struggle. I want to see the bullying they experience. I want them to cut off the mom, who yes, was helpful, and yes, she tried her best, but fuck that, she still hurt them, she still neglected her children due to her own abuse--

And then it all gets fuzzy, because I hit too close to home.

And I wonder... How many students this year felt that too?

And I wonder... How many of you, out there, are feeling that right now?

Looping this back to syscourse (as I do often here), I just... wonder how many of you really understand that the things being said here about trauma aren't hypotheticals. That the things you cannot comprehend aren't just random accusations. They come from a place of hurt and inner truth, even if you cannot wrap your head around it. And that isn't to say some of you aren't traumatized!!! From my perspective, nearly everyone participating in syscourse is traumatized in some way, even by way of participating in these spaces. That counts. It always has.

I see so many posts each and every day just... showing utter confusion about the other side. "How could anyone think that? How could anyone possibly defend that?" And I just shake my head, because...

How could anyone possibly stay with Lenny? How could Zoey not see what her friends were going through? How did the mom abuse her, knowing what it would do? How could Fuchsia not tell anyone, how could Silas not explode, how could, how could, how could-

You aren't them.

You aren't these other people. You assume bad faith so often, just like the people in the story, and that's what led to them getting stuck. At some point, you need to push through, and the only way out is together.

There's a really good pair of quotes we focused on this year, and the kids really struggled with those quotes. One was a metaphor about a pond of algae. This isn't direct, but it's something like... "When you're stuck in a pond of algae, you turn green. It doesn't matter how many times someone tells you to stop." When... people are in that space -- when they're stuck in abuse, or they're in these angry settings, or whatever have you -- they mold to that space. No matter how often people explain that it's bad, or try to get that person out, if they are still in that situation, then they're in that situation until they aren't anymore. Telling people to stop being traumatized will never make them not traumatized. Telling people to just... Get With It? Won't work.

The second quote was something along these lines: "Sometimes you just have to have your back up against the wall to understand what you're made of, and you just haven't had that happen to you yet."

There's a lot of talk about oppression and prejudice and ableism and... lord, every buzzword ever in syscourse. But I feel like a lot of people don't get it. They don't understand those back-to-the-wall experiences, they don't see it in the people they're communicating with.

How do you get it if it hasn't happened to you?

Well. You do what my students did and you learn about it. You research. You grow. You try to look past the edge of your own nose, your own experiences, and see that there is a whole, big, mighty world out there, with people constantly going through things you couldn't even comprehend. And for fucks sakes, you listen to them. You acknowledge what they're saying. You realize that they are being true to their experiences.

And you stop calling those experiences into question when you express your confusion.

Learn to have your back-up-against-the-wall with them. Learn to find the wood for the raft together, instead of watching them drown in confusion: "Why don't they just swim?" you ask, but you let them keep drowning instead of helping. Help each other!

Isn't that what we want these kids to do?

#I may not be the best of us to have written all of this #and it's unedited because fuck it #We've been trying to write this for over a month now #And I'm just. Itching to get my thoughts out this year on it #I highly recommend the book to everyone #Benefits of Being an Octopus #syscourse #keeping up with nerd shit

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seerofmike · 1 year ago

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mike 2023 year in review

whats up, this is something i started last year where i decided at the end of the year i would talk about 7 movies + 7 viddy games i enjoyed this year (the movies will be 2023 releases, the games will be all over the place). this is so i can look back on the future on the things i enjoyed this year but since im posting it publicly most of these will be written as recommendations i guess

also i did not have a lot of money to see movies this year so most of these will be IP movies :( sawi. also also 2023 was a mega good year for gaming. or so i've heard. most of the big 2023 games this year either came out on consoles i don't own (nintendo + sony releases), are next-gen only as far as xbox goes or unable to run on my dinky little laptop (AW2, the finals, re4, etc) or are just games in genres i dont really give a shit about (bg3, starfield, sea of stars). significant 2023 games i did play this year were dave the diver and dredge but not enough to be on the list. maybe next year hehe

anyways without further ado. my top 7 movies and top 7 games this year, in alternating (movie/game/move/game/etc) AND alphabetical order:

Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse

yeah you knew this shit was going on here. i saw this movie 8(eight) times in theaters. the first two times were because of the audio issues with the first cut but the rest was because the movie fucked babeeeeey. you don't need me to tell you how good this was

The Cosmic Wheel Sisterhood (2023)

ok listen before i recommend this game i have to be mean to make a point first. if you know anything about me you know i think tarot is stupid as fuck and i think witchy nonsense is. well. just that. nonsense. it makes me roll my eyes especially the particular brand of like. r/WitchesVersusPatriarchy stuff. man i just dont like any sort of spiritualism or religious stuff. with that being said this game fucks tremendously and i cannot recommend it enough

you get to design your own tarot deck and each card will be unique and have meanings based on the templates you're given. you can then use these cards to tell your friends' fortunes. except it goes way deeper than that but i dont want to spoil the twist for you. also it kind of becomes a different game midway through but i like management games so its fine. anyways good game and very repayable with all the card designs you can make and fortunes you can read. art style is also very nice.

(more under da cut)

Barbie

man i know a lot of people dont like this movie after the hype wore off because its Baby's First Feminism. and that's fine. i don't really think it was trying to achieve some uber deep commentary. but the set design and costuming was great and you could tell the actors and crew were having so much fucking fun and as someone who wants to go into movies i will always like movies where the people making them are having fun.

The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog (2023)

i like the visual novel where everyone dresses in a funny costume and sonic fucking dies ok. it was so cute and had very good characterization for people i didnt think would ever be in the focus of a game again like espio ........go play the murder of sonic thee hedge

Bottoms

this one is probably my 2nd favorite movie of the year tbh. i need more absurdist gay comedies. i wish i could go on about how hilarious this movie is but i dont wanna give away all jokes but anyways go watch the lesbian incel movie and have a good time

Potionomics (2022)

if i had a nickel for every gay witch game i played this year with significant card and management mechanics and appealing art i'd have two nickels. which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice.

anyways potionomics is absolutely my favorite game that i've played this year. it's not all that similar to cosmic wheel sisterhood despite the basic concept and some gameplay elements. CWS is more like a visual novel. potionomics is a fucking nightmare and i love it SO much.

you brew potions and then sell them by haggling with customers using cards. customers can haggle back and it can get VERY difficult. everything you do takes up limited time slots such as gathering ingredients and brewing potions and visiting your friends and btw you can visit your friends and all of the characters are incredibly charming and i had trouble picking which one to romance. (roxanne my beloved <3) (also the white haired character in the screenshot above is a nonbinary goblin :) ) (this game has CAT PIRATES)

the game also rewards you with befriending the characters and gives you cards the deeper your relationships become and new gameplay mechanics open themselves up to you until the last couple stretches of the game. it's very fun, very stressful, but very rewarding once you figure out how to maximize your profits and use up your time slots effectively. i had a fucking blast.

also the animation is so good. literally the best animation on this sort of stylized 3d model in a game i've ever seen. PLEASE play potionomics.

Guardians of the Galaxy 3

god man. i just love the guardians so much. tbh this is my least favorite movie of the trilogy but all three of them are easily better than nearly every other marvel movie regardless. i love nebula and rocket so much and seeing small moments between them like her choking up when she hears he's okay fucking Gets To Me. i loved me asshole mercenaries who become a found family and try to be good people.

Prey (2017)

prey is not my favorite game this year nor my favorite survival sim but the first five or so hours of this game were the most engrossed i was in a game this year. towards the middle and ending portions it starts to lose me a little bit (the game is still good!) but the beginning was absolutely the best part.

being trapped in space with aliens that can mimic items in your surroundings leaves you extremely paranoid, and combing through the station finding recordings and notes and evidence of the lives of the people who were once there, knowing that most of them are probably dead--while monsters lurk around the corner ready to fuck your shit up--was deeply engrossing. i wish i could erase my brain and experience those first hours again being terrified of everything that moved before i got a shotgun and figured out how to win fights pretty regularly lol

Killers of the Flower Moon

if you're gonna watch a 3 hour movie this year about atrocities committed in the past i'd recommend this one over The Other One tbh. i found it deeply engaging and thought lily gladstone gave a great performance that easily outshone leo. the events of the movie are deeply harrowing and i think there is definitely some discussion to be had about how the movie centers on the white men despite scorses's intentions but the technical work was great and i think it really does a good job of showing just how deep this shit went in the community as opposed to being 'just a couple of bad whites' or w/e other narrative people will try to spin.

Psycholonials (2021)

im gonna go ahead and say right now i don't really recommend this game unless you are familiar with andrew hussie and HS/their other work. i think the game was fine but tbh it probably would not have been on my list if it was made by anyone else. that's not to say it's bad, just like. nothing mind blowing.

that being said i did very much enjoy this game in the sense that, as someone who DOES know a thing or two about andrew hussie, the way they feel about their work (especially HS in the years afterward), it was interesting seeing them make a game about starting a cult by accident, with all the gender fuckery and feelings of paranoia about being cancelled and how out of control its become feeling like a little glimpse into them. watching how manic and obsessive the protag gets with several years of Hussie Context(tm) makes this way more interesting than the game itself if im being fully honest.

if the game truly sucked it wouldn't be on here but do take my word for it that you'd probably appreciate it way more if you were a HS fan LMAO

Skinamarink (2022)

ok so technically skinamarink came out in 2022 BUT it got a theatrical release in january 2023 which is when *i* saw it so i'm counting it as a 2023 movie. anyways skinamarink is simultaneously very scary and also boring as shit and i could never actually recommend this movie to anyone but the fact that it was made at all and made a PROFIT is outstanding to me and i'm obsessed with it as an aspiring filmmaker. an hour and fourty minutes of staring at a dark corner to build atmosphere. fuck yeah

Venba (2023)

this one's very short but i found it very compelling despite how short it was. it almost felt TOO short but i like it for what it is. as the son (and grandson) of mexican immigrants who often regretted migrating for cultural and language reasons this really connected with me and the cooking puzzles were fun but i really wisht here was more of them. it's less about the puzzles though and more about the narrative and i thought it was really smart to make the throughline food. very good game. buy it.

TMNT: Mutant Mayhem

look at my fucking sons. everyone say thank you spider verse for changing the animation industry. i love how the boys' VAs were just goofing off and having fun and bouncing off each other it was great

This War of Mine (2014)

this one is a survival management game where you have to scavenge for materials somewhere in war-torn eastern europe with some stealth mechanics. some of your characters die very easy and some characters have 'negative' traits like being unable to sneak out or fight or drink up all your alcohol and it's not like the best in its genre but i did spend a ton of time in it. i still need to finish like a single scenario and not a custom game LMAO

#mike 2023 year in review

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watermelonsloth · 1 year ago

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What I Ship Because I’ve Been Semi-Vague

I talk about shipping a lot, but since I talk about whatever’s popular over what I actually like (this may or may not change), you might not know what I actually ship. Or you do because you stalked me or read the few fanfictions that I posted here and will probably move because it’s weird to have fanfics on a mostly commentary focused blog.

Regardless, for anyone who’s interested, here’s what I actually do like. Also, just to make sure that all of my credibility goes down the toilet, all accept one (maybe two) of these is a crackship.

The Ships I Sold My Soul To

These are the ships I like the most. Yes, I’ve already imagined AUs with them and I’ve given them all children. I promise I have a thought process that makes sense (to me) behind them all. However, I don’t want to turn this into a 100,000 word essay, so I’ll try to summarize what I like about them in 1-2 (potentially run-on) sentences. Just know, there’s more to all of these.

NejiNaru (Neji Hyuga x Naruto Uzumaki) - Both characters had their lives decided/changed at birth against their will, but walked out of it with vastly different perspectives. This combined with them having complimentary personalities makes me think that they could have very positive impacts on each other’s lives if they were given just a bit more time to get invested in each other.

GaaSaku (Gaara x Sakura Haruno) - Both characters would greatly benefit from having (emotional) support in a relationship and both characters are deathly loyal to a fault. They also both need and have different perspectives that they wouldn’t hesitate in sharing with each other.

SasuIno (Sasuke Uchiha x Ino Yamanaka) - Both are highly confident, independent people who wouldn’t take shit from each other (which is important when both absolutely pull some shit). They’re also loyal to anyone who earns it, are very driven, don’t stand for people getting hurt unjustly, care deeply for their clans and clan traditions, and roll their eyes at their friends’ shenanigans despite everyone knowing that they’d both kill and die for them.

ChouTen (Chouji Akimichi x TenTen) - They are similar in the best ways and different where it counts. TenTen would motivate Chouji to work harder then complain with him about how hard it is to work hard and Chouji would absolutely help her have more faith in ninjas being able to become great with hard work alone.

ShikaKiba (Shikamaru Nara x Kiba Inuzuka) - Like Sasuke and Ino, they come across as very different on the outside but have a lot of similarities when you dig a little deeper. Along with them being good to have in each other’s lives, each other’s families would also be good influences on them (Shikamaru would benefit from being around very expressive and strong female role models, and Kiba would benefit from being around patient people with higher IQs).

TemaHina (Temari x Hinata Hyuga) - They could relate with each other when it comes to growing up as the older sisters trained to be weapons since birth overlooked in favor of their very talented younger siblings with physically absent moms and emotionally absent, abusive fathers that are not only skilled ninja but also hold great social-political power, but they could still offer each other different perspectives. Temari could help Hinata gain more confidence and stand up for herself while Hinata can help Temari learn how to approach situations with kindness rather than the anger/violence that’s been taught to her.

ShinoLee (Shino Aburame x Rock Lee) - These two are so fucking different and they cover each other’s blind spots so fucking well. Rock Lee is very passionate and memorable, but he doesn’t realize he can rely on others (seriously, he does everything alone) while Shino doesn’t have direction and is insecure about not sticking out, but he’s characterized as being very aware of the importance of teamwork, even when it’s with people outside of team 8.

KakuDei (Kakuzu x Deidara) - Both characters value respect and strength, are able to keep a clear mind even when their short tempers get the better of them, and are deceptively intelligent. Kakuzu could also benefit from taking more risks and Deidara could benefit from keeping his head on the ground, both of which the other could force help them to do.

ItaHida (Itachi Uchiha x Hidan) - Both of them are so devoted to their beliefs that it’s actually a problem (they both only think inside the box and are the opposite of self aware) and both of them would jump at the opportunity to call the other out on it. In the cases where they wouldn’t be able to influence (Itachi making Hidan a bit more patient, Hidan making Itachi more willing to call out bullshit, etc) or call out each other enough to change, they’d be able to easily cover for the other’s weaknesses (like, so easily that they’d be a horrific combat pair).

KisaSaso (Kisame Hoshigaki x Sasori) - These two know what it’s like to believe one thing for years and years then have your worldview shattered in an instant, making them potentially very affirming for each other. They both also value honesty and commit when they decide to trust someone or do something because of their past experiences.

Comfort Ships

These are the ships that I don’t have too much reason behind (even if there is some), I’m not super committed to finding or making content for, and I don’t really think of them in any deep or sophisticated or analytic way. They’re comfy, they’re chill, and that’s all I want them to be.

SasuKarin (Sasuke Uchiha x Karin Uzumaki) - I’ve read so many think pieces about these two and their relationship that this was inevitable. I did this to myself.

ChouSaku (Chouji Akimichi x Sakura Haruno) - They both have body image issues and a deep love for their friends. They are so fluffy, I want them to cook together, and their child would be nicknamed Cherry.

LeeSaku (Rock Lee x Sakura Haruno) - Their development during the Chunin Exams still lives rent free in my brain and they’re both such romantics. This one I switch in and out of shipping.

LeeHina (Rock Lee x Hinata Hyuga) - They have a weird amount of similarities and they’d be cute. That’s it.

SasuHina (Sasuke Uchiha x Hinata Hyuga) - They look nice together and have a bit of a night sky aesthetic. This one is the one that I think about the least, like, I’m not entirely sure if I actually ship them or I just like looking at fanart of them.

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meimi-haneoka · 2 years ago

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È il mio 10 anniversario su Tumblr 🥳

It's apparently my 10th anniversary on Tumblr 😳😳😳

This blog definitely didn't start as a CCS blog, or not even a Clamp blog, I remember I was in my Saint Tail brainrot/withdrawal period, and I wanted to ramble about it all alone on a personal space, always hoping that Tachikawa sensei one day would write the extra chapter that she talked about on her blog...hence why I chose this url. For this and another personal reason, actually. I also loved to RT all the nice screencaps and edits for my favorite anime...

...then 2016 came and the love of my life, CCS, came back and my blog was absolutely swept away by the excitement, turning pretty much into a constant stream of CCS content and chapter commentary for Clear Card each month. When the anime came out in 2018, things only got worse 😂 but then in 2020 I started to realize about the translation differences between the English version and the original Japanese, and I decided that my beloved story deserved better than that, better than being misunderstood like that, especially the new characters that in the meantime I came to love so dearly...

So pretty naturally, I started to vent my frustration compiling all the mistakes/differences every month, in a very "whoever is willing to read it, is welcome to do so" fashion. For my convenience the differences are always included in my commentary. I haven't gone around promoting my posts very much, it's basically always "I run into someone confused about a line in the Eng ver/got some facts wrong, I tell them that the original JP actually says something else and I leave a link to my blog".

The more the story went on, the more I wondered if I was stepping on anyone's toes for doing these posts, but with my immense joy it seems they got Clamp's blessing, so I'll keep doing them till the very end of the story.

In between these commentaries, I throw some other translations I do mainly for myself (Twitter Spaces where Sakura is mentioned, interviews especially about the anime, etc) and that I like to organize more or less neatly in one place, and that people can share if they want. And also my fanarts, even though they never do big numbers here. But heh, I'll keep sharing them here too, cause it's my blog after all.

So yeah, 10 years of this. There were definitely times when I've hated this website and its community since things were becoming pretty toxic, flames started randomly out of nowhere, I just hope once the anime will be back it won't be the same shit again. I stopped looking at the CCS tags because of that and other reasons connected to that, so unless one of the people I follow shares it and puts it on my dash, I almost never reblog CCS art/edits/gifs etc. Cause the pretty artworks aren't worth wrecking my mood because I found the nth person shaming something that I love (and the people who love that thing, with it). Sorry about that, my blog is pretty boring in that sense.

Luckily, Tumblr brought me also good things, so I guess it makes up for that. I've met lots of people from my current CCS "circle", here.

To be honest, I know I have 2626 followers (as of today), but to this day I still wonder why. I highly doubt all of them are here because they're interested in my posts, probably not even half of them, lol (and I do my best to kick the bots). Nonetheless, thank you to all the people who interact with my posts ❤️ and thank you for sending me nice asks every month! 🙏 I don't always reply to them right away and some of them I leave for later when I have a downtime (like this one ask that's pretty broad in topic and I'm keeping it for when I have a little more time and nothing else to talk about).

Since Clear Card will continue for a little more than expected, the monthly appointment here will continue in parallel, and I'm already preparing my next "trivia" post, it's a topic I wanted to talk about since looooooong time. 😉

#10 year tumblrversary #tumblr milestone #10 years on this hellsite?!#Naaaaah #You gotta be kidding me #I feel so old lol #Personal

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mifhortunach · 1 year ago

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2023 'overview'

The standard end of year post of course!

This year has both breezed by and felt absolutely endless, personally at least, and i feel like i accomplished nothing(!), but still, here's a round up of some stuff i enjoyed!?

MOVIES: as ever as always! I'm writing this a bit in advance, but i've deffo seen less movies this year than i did last year, tho i believe that i did manage to get out to the cinema way more than usual (tho, tbh, most often on my lonesome i think). I think i've felt the most divided on them this year; i liked a lot of stuff very VERY much! i also have felt so SO bored with a lot more things. i think i talked about having like. a matrix moment last year, nothing like that this year, tho a lot more of being like, 'well yeah, of course', or finally being able to recognise what a shot is, lol. Regardless, here are the movies i probably loved the most this year:

aftersun: all i talked about jan thru feb, need to watch it again. it looks great, its both fun & heartbreaking, and you KNOW i love the found footage side of it all - especially when it addresses that even when you have footage of 'objective reality' you just really cant know it all operation avalanche: as w aftersun, this shit gets at like ALL my interests! OpAv isn't a perfect movie, and i think the more u know about the production/etc the more obvious that becomes [i genuinely WOULD love to see/know more about the version that really did have the mole/romance plotline integrated, but lbr, that doesnt really exist]. ANYWAY!! i do think this is such an exciting film to watch, especially the movie making sequences, and i think the feeling of it all comes across so truly iygm. also, obvs, bc i love conspiracies unfortch the dirties: im sorry there's so much MJ on this list, short tho it is! but hey, these really took over my life for a month there lol. i still havent listened to the commentary w the real film critic, but i truly find this to be an airtight movie, the found footage stuff is so well integrated, justifying everything while also calling all intent/'reality' into question.. i do think someone could spend forever with it - its also funny & miserable! what more could u want (watch my fancam please) my house walkthrough: i genuinely just really like this!! ive said it before, but i genuinely just find it such an exciting watch, the bts just makes it so much cooler - what's sicker than repetition Hon Noms: la confidential: heat walked so this could run ! thirst: so much fun, i love vampire lovers who hate each other beau is afraid: too long, but i really liked most of this, v funny black tower: great example of doing smth so cool w very little

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books:

francis spufford, new sun series, chandler, mauretania

PODCASTS:

sfultra!!!: sean L@TDF finally returns to talk about sci-fi books! sean is one of the few critics i'll always keep up with even when i dont agree w him, & this show has been a real treat all this year - the patreon stuff is great as well - its introduced me to a lot of new stuff & crit, and its been good to hear from him again. if u listen to any of these, listen to this shelved by genre: really good, tho often we have different interests - got me to read a fair few more books this year! im not a games guy, and im mad behind on fatt, so its super nice to get to hear some austin biweekly anyway, lol. twioat (as ever): i was a bit trepidatious about this season starting off, but it's been so much fun, the fellas really knocked it out of the park. i loved hearing from some guests that we havent heard from in ages. this season on AJLT was also fuckin amazing, truly & really adored their coverage; possibly highlight of my summer?? toxic podcast: i almost certainly shouted this out last year, but it was nice to have this around again in the top half of the year!! ale has a letterboxd now & its fun to get to see just how many truly atrocious horror movies he does watch all the time. a true connoisseur

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pick’n’mix:

ntbts: its a such good show!! i've watched more tv than usual this year, but i love how this is done on almost every level. i apologised before for having so much MJ on this list & i stand by that!, but i do think that one of the best (practical) traits in his work is making difficult stuff look not only easy, but genuinely both fun & achievable. whens the movie going to drop??? (lol) getting into shirts: this genuinely was more of an accidental year long thing, starting w the ones i printed for lizzie back in jan/feb, but its been fun! finally got back some screenprinting experience, and i think u can really see some amping up of ambition & basic skill/practice. i do wanna do more in the new year, but am trying to engage with actual intended outcomes (and lbr, the storage issue lol), so we'll see

the sopranos!!: sometimes they really were right about good tv being good, who knew! so much funnier, weirder & depressing than i wouldve expected- honestly undersung at this point. also, it introduced me to a tonne of music lol

the blackberry soundtrack: unfortch i continue to be kinda mixed on the film, as much as i think on a technical level it's so super cool & well-made. i do really like the soundtrack tho!! i'm kinda iffy on some of its application in the actual film, but im a hater, so what can u do lol. the actual thing DOES rip tho

==========

this whole thing makes it look like i got a lot more done this year than i feel like i did lol. i feel like i had plans up the top but they really all came out in the wash//

i read an okay amount of books, but failed to get thru any piles

i watched more tv than usual this year, and saw id say, a midtier amount of movies, but way more new movies than usual

i moved for a bit! then moved back & got a worse job lol

there was a lot of work i didnt get finished.. i have stuff ive been meaning to edition since this time last year that i still havent gone back to.. that said, i think i did get some stuff done, finally actually did some stone litho(!!!!) & had some stuff up in a show or two

who knows,,, maybe ill finally get my shit together & 2024 could be my year - people say good things about being 26 right??? 😭😭😭

#ppp #.......#1111111111 #5555555555 #lb #2023movies #year in review

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applestorms · 2 years ago

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alright,

i am well in need of a proper homestuck reread by this point, it's certainly been long enough since i went through the comic as a whole instead of just skipping around to different acts and conversations. to anyone following me rn who would like to avoid possible post spam about this, i'll be tagging everything with "#astronaut reread" so feel free to filter that. dunno if it'll be that spam-y though tbh, i'm trying to be more careful and take my time going through each page and image to really Pay Attention this time round to make sense of all of the theories/analysis i've been reading lately, but that may also make my liveblogging posts longer so. idk we'll see how this goes

initial thoughts: i've always been drawn to the emptiness of early homestuck, the whole aspect of the kids shitting around in their rooms doing basically nothing of real importance (ignoring hs's love of callbacks) feels very true to the experience of being a teenager in the last few decades. it's quite slow story-wise, of course, but it genuinely does set up a lot of the story later on (john's posters all foreshadowing/inspiring later plot points, etc.) and the vibe is just. man idk, i've seen people criticize act 6 for being slow in that nothing really happens since all the characters are just Waiting, but reading through the very beginning again that almost feels more true to the core of homestuck, or at least where it started. and i like it, sometimes it's nice to just slow down, even though i get the frustration w/ that later in the story after the plot has so much more baggage. but more reflection on that later.

john is an interesting character on a meta level in how he represents the most basic entity in homestuck: the first kid, upon which all other kids evolve off of, but what's more interesting about that fact to me is how his original Home plays into that character. maybe i'm biased by nostalgia, but (A1:82) is such an interesting page, it's like the first point where the comic hints at taking itself more seriously by marking just how empty the space surrounding john is, houses all copies of one another and far apart along the streets. not to mention the wind running through the windchime, perhaps another instance of foreshadowing/inspiration? hussie mentions the idea of vriska being tied to the image of the sun that page ends on in the commentary notes, troll gods not yet conceived of but looking down and watching all the same. honestly all i can think of is a section from the start of ch2 of the zhuangzi:

Master Dapple said, “My, isn’t that a good question you’ve asked, Ziyou! Just now I lost myself. Do you know? You’ve heard the pipes of people, but not the pipes of earth. Or if you’ve heard the pipes of earth, you haven’t heard the pipes of Heaven.”

“May I ask what you mean?”

“The Big Lump belches breath and it’s called wind. If only it wouldn’t start! When it starts, the ten thousand holes begin to hiss. Don’t you hear the shsh-shsh? In the mountain vales there are great trees a hundred spans around with knots like noses, like mouths, like ears, like sockets, like rings, like mortars, like ditches, like gullies. Gurgling, humming, hooting, whistling, shouting, shrieking, moaning, gnashing! The leaders sing ‘Eeeeeeh!’ The followers sing ‘Ooooooh!’ In a light breeze it’s a little chorus, but in a gusty wind it’s a huge orchestra. And when the violent winds are over, the ten thousand holes are empty. Haven’t you witnessed the brouhaha?”

Ziyou said, “So the pipes of earth are those holes, and the pipes of people are bamboo flutes. May I ask about the pipes of Heaven?”

Master Dapple said, “Blowing the ten thousand differences, making each be itself and all choose themselves—who provokes it? Does Heaven turn? Does earth stay still? Do the sun and moon vie for position? Who is in charge here? Who pulls the strings? Who sits with nothing to do, gives it a push and sets it in motion? Do you think it’s locked in motion and can’t be stopped? Or do you think it’s spinning out of control and can’t slow itself down? Do the clouds make the rain? Or does the rain make the clouds? Who rumbles all this out? Who sits there with nothing to do and takes perverse delight in egging it on? The wind rises in the north—now west, now east, now dilly-dallying up above. Who huffs and puffs it? Who sits with nothing to do and blows it? May I ask the cause?”

(translation by norden & ivanhoe)

perhaps that's fitting with all the talk of transformation & flexibility/adaptation in that chapter.

you really can't get away from the names "homestuck" and "s(u)burb" with this beginning to the comic. john, as the quintessential homestuck kid, trapped in his house in the empty suburbs, stuck not because of any physical boundaries/walls, but perhaps because of a lack of them. massive roads and sprawling suburbs that make it impossible to get anywhere on foot is a pretty classic image of modern america, so john's desire for breath, for movement, makes sense in that regard. homestuck has always been most appealing to me in how it doesn't shy away from reality, as messy as that engagement often is, and this beginning feels like it gets at some of that emotional core that homestuck started with. it's immediately followed by a joke about pissing/shitting in the mailbox too. classic.

#astronaut reread

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cyberstabbing · 5 days ago

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2024 tumblr drafts spring cleaning. with commentary from my somewhat wiser 2025 self

everyone gives parisians shit for being cold but to a somewhat introverted swede i think they're pretty nice! the ladies at the local bakery call me mademoiselle and are very kind, when i walk the dog (i'm petsitting in exchange for an apartment in paris (i miss my paris neighborhood! except for the receptionist at the local pool. fuck her)

pitch black outside, rural southern portugal, in a car with my best friend and some germans i barely know, trying to find a rave with free pizza run by a commune living in the woods (we found it! almost drove off a cliff. germans told me awful things about rammstein at 5am in a distant corner of the mountain rave while someone played linkin park. danced with a wizard)

as a swede that visits family in the states a lot but hasn't lived there since i was four, are you guys like a little scared and on edge all the time or does it all just feel normal to live there? (this was summer '24 and how has it already gotten so much worse)

finding the desolation row music video for the first time was (forming?)

my biggest wimp moment is when i heh piercings horried streched (what?)

half my dash nowadays is the socia network gifs and something called dungeon meshi. (standard. ongoing)

i was at a rave last night and i wasn't sure how it was going to go since my best friend wanted to come, and i get really anxious if i suspect she's using way too much at a party. but we talked about it beforehand and she promised not to take anything! and i think she kept her promise!! so i brought her, her new boyfriend (who seems nice) and my friend who's always wanted to go to a rave. and we ran into a ton of people there, which was fun, including my best friend's ex, which was not fun. and right before we go in, the ex drops the bomb that they're now together with our ex friend, who the ex cheated on my friend with. super messy but the ex didn't get into the rave at all lol. (messy era. calmer now!)

A lot of people stop posting about their obsessions. Once they start taking medication for me. It's the opposite today. I took my ADHD medication to study and instead I obsessively blocked.m (same)

I've officially become tired of clubs. here's what i suggest: 1. nightcore club night. only nightcore version of songs. preferably recession pop. 2. a wlw club night please. this does exist (a few times a year) so this has more to do with me not going anymore. (give me both)

9 of my favorite female and nb vocalists:

- Marissa Paternoster (Screaming Females) - Becca Macintyre (Marmozets) - Mary J. Blige - Lucy Dacus - Janelle Monáe - Eva Hendricks (Charly Bliss) - Dolores O'Riordan (The Cranberries) - Alex Luciano (Diet Cig) - Kimi Shelter (Starbenders) (sure i stand by this)

i'm home alone on a friday night, wisdom teeth on my windowsill (one for Her, one for me) morphine keeping me going, She's on a night train in china visiting random cities (and i'm texting her rn yay)

i can't stop thinking of you. you were grimy, dirty, filthy and in a completely different stratosphere. sometimes it felt like we were in a cocoon no one else could enter. at least to me. you were surrounded by admirers and friends and hanger-ons. you spoke a different language with everyone. i tried to match yours. i started texting like you. trying to bring you closer to me in any way i could. we got stuck once, kissing in a shitty club you used to work at. our lip rings slid into each other and you laughed into my mouth, your lipstick on my chin and nose. a friend of ours has pictures of us like that, but i can't ask them to send them to me. because that would be admitting caring in that way, and i never felt more weak than admitting that. we were a pattern, a breath i held inside as i clamped down HARD on any hope or wishes or what-could-be's. you'd only kiss me in public. i guess i did the same thing. surrounded by men ("friends") who's faces soured and friends who'd raise their eyebrows in silent questioning, and sometimes not so silently, asking if your broken sink was from us fucking in the bathroom (you broke it trying to clean your room for me in a hurry). i really wish i knew what you meant by all your touches. i'm thick as a brick and you were a fucking sphinx. some things even i could decipher. you'd bite me more when you were jealous: if i kissed someone else, if i was dancing with a guy friend. it hurt and you tasted like cheap imported cigarettes but that was part of you and i took all i could have. which wasn't even close to everything. you liked to kiss your other friends. you'd go on dates, ignore the dates to be with me, and still we only felt like friends. and now i haven't seen you since may at dawn when you kissed me goodbye in-front of all your dorm friends. and i hated feeling like all your friends saw it more clearly than i did, and i hated that it made them seem closer to you than i was. i was jealous too. and now you're gone and i'm stuck in an empty city (jesus fucking christ i was going through it oh my fucking god)

it would have been somewhat iconic of jesus to be a part of club 27. he's an honorary member (word)

#this is like the wrapped of half formed thoughts #mine #are you even a tumblrina if you dont have copious word vomit about your doomed lesbian bffcrushthing in the drafts folder

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itooaminthisepisode · 2 months ago

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hiii thanks for the tag!! held off on posting this cause i knew i would be uploading another fic by the end of the year and i wanted to include it lol :3

thank you @spicedrobot for the template! and without further ado, here's my wrapped!

66k words is an absolutely insane number of words that i never dreamed i would be able to write in the span of a year and yet somehow here i am. Holy Shit!!! i'm pretty sure that's more writing (or at least creative writing) in one year than i've done in the rest of my life combined.

without further ado here's an overview of all the fics i've written this year, with a little added commentary because i love yapping!! below a cut cause it got kinda long:

something sweet and safe - after wilson flirts with a nurse at work, house decides to put him in his place.

this one was my first published smut and my first foray into horrible freaknasty old man porn!! dove straight in headfirst and have never looked back since :3 need to do something with this dynamic again at some point... hmmm ;)

sick little feelings in my sick little brain - house makes wilson piss in his mouth. that's it, that's the fic.

piss md!! featuring house and wilson's (absolutely canon) shared piss kink!! i just think house should make wilson do horrible humiliating things alright. also i've had a sequel outlined for like literally MONTHS at this point i just haven't gotten around to it yet... but next year. stay tuned👀 (also maybe a third one as well we'll see how it goes!!)

wiped away my thoughts and cares - wilson sometimes struggles with incontinence. house decides to help in a rather... unorthodox way.

wilson abdl because i cannot resist putting that man in a situation!! spent two hours total writing this one (including editing) which is literally the least time i've spent on a fic Ever and somehow it's my favourite out of all 38(!!) that i wrote this year. this is another one that i am doing more of in 2025 trust🤞 little wilson is so precious to me i cannot resist him🥺

look at those puppy dog eyes - house and wilson try out petplay for the first time, and - to no one's surprise - they like it. a lot.

this is actually the first fic i started writing in 2024! i just got major writers block towards the end and left it sitting half-finished for months. but then i wrote a couple other fics and came back to it with fresh eyes and i'm really proud of how it turned out!! another dynamic that i rotate in my brain a lot. ouppies <3

i wanna throw you to the hounds - house is a werewolf - and sometimes, he can get a little... frisky when he's transformed.

this was the fic i was most nervous to post (yes, even more so than the abdl one), but im so glad ppl seemed to like it cause like. Waow :3 another one where i just put wilson in a situation!! also i love writing him having a moral crisis but doing it anyway purely cause house wants to :3

whumptober 2024 - all the filled prompts from this year's whumptober! some are short, some are longer, all of them are emotionally damaging in some shape or form.

okay look if i listed each individual fic in this series we'd be here all day so i'm just gonna talk abt whumptober as a whole. but it was SO MUCH FUN!!! wrote em in like three weeks, was churning out like 2 or 3 a day by the end, and was delirious with fever for a significant chunk of time but i'm so proud of myself for finishing in time!! if all goes well i'll be participating in 2025, albeit with slightly better planning and pacing this time!! :D

can you catch me when i'm falling down? - wilson's been having a bad day. luckily, house knows just what to do to make him feel better.

my gift for @russell-crowe as part of the 20th anniversary exchange! it was a little different to write to someone else's specifications cause i've never done it before and it's out of my comfort zone, but it was a super fun challenge and i enjoyed it a lot!! will definitely participate in this again if it runs in 2025, cause it's such a good way to feel connected within the fandom!! :D

this year's for me and you - house hangs mistletoe above wilson's doorway in an attempt to fluster him. wilson isn't so easily fooled, however, and he finds a way to beat house at his own game.

my final fic this year!! this one is another gift, this time for @nekomura-chanzu as part of the holiday gift exchange!! had a blast writing this one, it was a nice break from all the whump and smut. nothing like a sweet silly fluff fic to end the year with a bang! :3

and that's it!! what a brilliant year it's been, and here's to 2025 being even greater!

i never know who to tag for these things (social anxiety will do that😅) but to any housefic authors seeing this, feel free to add on!! <3

my ao3 wrapped! tagged by @greghousebignaturals, template by @spicedrobot

2024 was my first year of getting back into writing fanfic since literally 5 years ago - and I only got back into it in the second half of the year (and I'll still be posting more stuff before 2024 is over lbr)

very briefly, these are the House fics I wrote this year, in chronological order:

Kill the Mood: Hilson try doing doctor roleplay during sex (and fail)

Bonk: Wilson gets a concussion :)

Don't Touch Me: Wilson hates physical contact and has a bad time

inappropriate use of hospital technology: House sends Wilson a dickpic and trans!Wilson jerks off about it

acting like a tough guy: House avoids Wilson on Valentine's Day (Wilson is very endeared by this)

sleep(less): Wilson is sleep deprived to the point of hallucinating a week after he started dating House

Slow Blink: Wilson is turned into a kitten. House is confused by cat body language

ow: trans!Wilson has period cramps

oh, and one more thing: Wilson gets hurt, House mother hens him, Wilson is a little shit

Want/Deserve/Receive: Wilson starts dating House and freaks out because he doesn't feel like he's allowed to be happy

the truth I chose to bend myself around: House accidentally takes truth serum. Nobody believes him (wip)

Tie Me Up, Pull My Leash: Wilson bets House to wear a tie and then tugs on it like a leash and they make out about it

I'm tagging @itooaminthisepisode and @oldmanffucker and @coffins-and-marbles and @defibrillism (if you wanna)

template below

#ash talks #ao3 wrapped #ao3 wrapped 2024

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cowpants147 · 2 years ago

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I can't sleep so I'm just laid here and I started thinking about the Foxes that go on to play exy professionally and what they'd do after retirement:

Andrew

I know for a fact that this interaction happened during Andrews last press event after his last match.

Reporter: so Andrew, now that you've officially retired, what are you gonna do now?

Andrew: I'm gonna be a stay at home dad.

Obviously the reporters run w it and suddenly everyone's trying to figure out when Andrew had kids and who with all the while he's at home with the cats aka his children all day.

I also think he either starts coaching exy at a school or at a youth centre because he recognises the out that exy gave him and he's great with kids.

Neil

Neil's got too much of a mouth on him to go quietly into retirement so I definitely see him being a commentator and providing some of the highest praise and most iconic insults ever known to the sports channels.

I feel like he'd miss actually playing though so he'd probably become some kind of coach. Maybe even goes back to PSU to help Dan as assistant coach after Wymack retires.

Kevin

That boy was born and bred for his own sports related show. I like the idea of him and Jeremy hosting this exy post show where they go over everything that's happened in the week. Jeremy is ever positive, Kevin is harsher with his commentary but they've both got smiles made for prime time TV.

They have a 3rd on the panel reserved for a different special guest each week. Such special guests at one point include Neil, Wymack, and Andrew who only went on to see if he could get Kevin to crack and break character.

Matt

100% becomes a stay at home dad to his and Dan's actual human kids and their golden retriever. During this retirement press conference he says something about proudly being Dan's trophy husband.

Coach's his kids little league team, even if they're not playing exy. Makes homemade signs with the kids for when they go watch the Foxes play.

Buys Andrew a matching "best dad ever" mug the minute Andrew drops that line in his interview. When Neil teams up with Dan to coach the Foxes these two become random best buds, going out for food and and drinks together, sitting together at games, worldlessly teaming up to make sure Dan and Neil have lunch every day at practise.

+ Jeremy and Jean

The minute Jean retires he's done with exy. Jeremy goes on to do a shit ton of charity work and be on the weekly prime time exy show with Kevin but Jean is more than happy to stay out of the public eye.

They live on a farm or like in a super cute small town where nobody bothers them. Jean spends all day reading books, painting, takes up photography and becomes so good that he's hired by the locals for weddings, newborn pics, etc. He's a regular at the farmers market. Maybe if they live on a farm then he has his own stall selling eggs, jams, and family recipes that Jeremy passed down to him from the Knox family and that Jean has perfected over the years.

And they travel as much as they can! They have a second home in France and use that as their home base while they trav around Europe every chance they can get.

#its 4am and even after using the brain power to think of this and write it im not tired #woop #aftg #tfc #andrew minyard #neil josten #kevin day #jeremy knox #matt boyd #jean moreau #aftg headcanon #tfc headcannon #psu #the foxes #jerejean #andreil

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twopoppies · 3 years ago

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My Policeman Screening - Part 1

Let me start by saying these are comments from a friend who attended tonight’s screening. I haven’t seen the film. I’m just going to give you their commentary as they gave it to me. This is their initial message to me when the came out of the theater:

The movie just finished. IT’S FUCKING GORGEOUS I’m like shaking, it was so beautiful. I’m SO PROUD!! That’s what a performance with a competent director and supportive costars looks like, holy shit!!!

And DAVID FUCKING DAWSON!! EMMA!! And they kept Julia 😭😭😭

Just know I heard people being asked by staff what they thought and EVERYONE around me said EXCELLENT.

This is LONG. So long I have to split it into at least two posts. I’ll put everything under the cut for those who don’t want to see spoilers. And when I say spoilers, I mean it. This is pretty much scene by scene.

Harry gets the first billing on his own. So it opens on a beautiful shot of the water then it his name and then the title of the movie. 🥺🥺🥺 A true leading man!! I was already so proud to see that. Then everyone else gets billing during the opening shots of Patrick arriving.

Okay, from what I can remember in order: It opens with the older Tom and Marion at their home just as Patrick is being brought in from his assisted living facility. Older Tom immediately takes their dog out for a walk while Marion adjusts everything for Patrick in his new room.

She places a picture of her and Tom from their wedding day on a dresser facing the bed so Patrick sees it when he first lies down. Cue the first scream from these girls in the audience who would not stop their constant talking and giggling because we saw a picture of Harry and Emma posed. 🙄🙄🙄

So it does begin with the older versions of the three. The difference from the book is that Marion is not writing a letter. A box of Patrick’s old things gets delivered and his diary is included. So she actually finds the diary and that’s what initiates a lot of the flashback sequences.

Tom is off walking the dog, Marion is trying to make Patrick comfortable. And then the first flashback is the scene on the beach with where Harry was wearing the blue shorts and vest.

Marion is sitting with Sylvie when Tom comes over. Sylvie’s part is drastically cut from the novel, so you don’t see her getting pregnant or married. She doesn’t tell Marion (or hint rather) that he’s gay like she does in the novel. You only see her in that opening scene to introduce the younger selves and then she teases Marion and tells Tom she doesn’t know how to swim.

Then Sylvie runs off with her boyfriend but we never see her again, she’s just referenced one other time.

They changed this bit from the novel too. Tom tells Marion he’ll teach her but he takes her to a public swimming pool full of families. So it’s a very cute and light scene with up tempo 50s music included. There’s a brief slow mo shot of Tom swimming and Marion being infatuated of course, to imply she’s already falling for him. The parents from the novel are cut too, no scenes with them. When Marion and Tom meet on the beach, he tells her there he just got back from the service and he’s already a Policeman. And she’s already a teacher.

Like the novel, they get to know each other by the swimming lessons and Tom says she must love books if she’s a teacher. He asks her if she knows about Art, she says a bit and there’s a sweet scene where she takes him to a library and they just sit in silence while he’s earnestly reading about an artist he found out about.

He asks her if he’d like to go to a museum since he knows someone that she can talk to about art. Enter younger Patrick.

And omg…when I tell you David Dawson was perfect. EVERYONE was perfect, especially the younger trio. But when I tell you the younger three has the BEST chemistry. And David instantly captivated me. What a presence!

So this is where Tom introduces Marion and Patrick for the first time.

Patrick asks if they would like to attend a play and Marion says sure. But as they’re walking out, Marion says something about attending (I didn’t catch it) but Tom says they can decline Patrick’s offer if she really doesn’t want to go. Marion says no, they should go since she doesn’t want to hurt Patrick’s feelings.

So this is when they go on their first outing as a group. And omg, they’re all so lovely together. If I didn’t know what was coming, I could’ve just watched them be silly as sing together while in a bar. David and Emma both have BEAUTIFUL voices!!

There’s a montage of the three in a bar, then driving together into the countryside for a picnic. Harry sings along with them but (and maybe this was a deliberate decision by the filmmakers) but you hear David and Emma’s voices over his. This montage of their outings is when you start to see the dynamic play out. In the theater, they sit MARION, PATRICK, TOM In the bar, Tom and Patrick grab each other to sign before Marion joins them. In the car going into the country, she’s sitting in the back while Patrick is driving and Tom is sitting up from with him 😭😭😭

Between the younger flashbacks, it did go back to the present. Older Tom stays away from older Patrick completely. Older Marion gives older Patrick his bath/meals/pills and reads his diary (unbeknownst to him).

As in the novel, older Patrick’s his mobility and speech are severely impaired. Rupert Everett gave a wonderful but heartbreaking performance.

The first entry Marion reads is the night Tom went to Patrick’s apartment to have his portrait drawn. So this differed from the novel too!

Those photos we got of Harry in costume with a bag and smoking a cigarette sitting on the beach happen right before he goes to Patrick’s apartment for the drawing session. His uniform is in the bag and, like the novel, he tells Patrick he brought it in case he wants him to wear it for the portrait. Patrick says yes, tells him to change they start.

They talk briefly, Patrick asks why he wanted to be a policeman. Tom says to help people, to which Patrick replies that’s how he differs from other cops. Tom questions him and Patrick says he keeps his distance because not all are like that. Then Tom gets defensive, he sits up straighter and gets this very almost robotic look (or more militarized) and says something like “the police only seek out criminal offences and take appropriate actions when they’re committed”

Patrick offers him a drink right away to change the subject. And then it cuts to them relaxed, Patrick is wearing Tom’s jacket and hat pretending to be a cop and making Tom laugh.

Tom says Patrick will probably think he’s a drunkard for having 3 scotches but Patrick says cops deserve to have fun after they clock out.So they both relax on the couch. And start talking. And this is where my mind glitched Because Gina 🥺🥺🥺

Okay…I swear to god this happened and I KNOW it happened because Patrick has a line about it and this fan I talked to after (that I’m 100% sure was a larrie because she mentioned it too)…The fan mentioned it.

You know that clip of the boys that everyone credits with turning them into a larrie? When Louis pushes his arm back because Harry just uses two fingers or so to stroke his arm

Okay, so in the SCENE Tom and Patrick are sitting on the same couch but a little bit always from each other cause they’re manspreading but Tom has his arm outstretched towards Patrick. So Patrick is kind of talking and then Tom just delicately, WITH THOSE SAME TWO FINGERS I’VE WATCHED OVER AND OVER AGAIN just slightly strokes Patrick’s neck. And my mind immediately went blank because I’VE SEEN HARRY DO THAT BEFORE.

but when I tell you my heart rate sped up because it was so gentle like some of the touches between Louis and Harry used to be.

Wtf wtf wtf. IDK, IMM ACTUALLY ONLY PROCESSING IT NOW AS I’M TELLING IT TO YOU.

So of course Patrick pauses. And Tom pauses. Then Patrick just goes for it. So they don’t have multiple sittings for the drawing, they put the blowjob scene here!

Tom initially says he’s “not like that” and Patrick dismisses it and goes for the kiss. And it’s so sweet and tentative before he gets down on his knees in front. You get a shot from behind the couch/Tom’s head then you just get Harry’s beautiful acting as he falls apart.

SUCK MY DICK OLIVIA WILDE. We need more QUEER pleasure represented on our screens. But I digress. 🤣

Then it cuts to Tom getting dressed quickly after and saying they can’t do this, it’s wrong. Then Patrick says, rightfully so, “YOU TOUCHED ME FIRST!” But Tom can’t argue with that so he flees. and it cuts back to older Marion finishing up the diary entry.

Her behavior never changes towards Patrick, she even shares a cigarette with him even though he’s not supposed to have any and she keeps trying to get Tom to see him.

So from the first blow job scene, Tom returns to the apartment drunk, asking Patrick if he’d keep drawing him. Of course Patrick is totally thrown off given how they parted before. But he sees Tom is drunk and doesn’t want his neighbors to find them again (during the first visit, a neighbor does come out but Tom is introduced as a cousin)

Tom is of course struggling with everything. He yells a bit. And oh Harry was so great. I told [another friend], I actually was able to get lost and (despite the rude crowd) JUST see Tom. I was so heartbroken for him.

But of course Patrick understands and they actually have sex. And oh wow…once again, OLIVIA WILDE SUCK MY DICK.

It wasn’t raunchy but it was EXPLICIT. You see them together a few times. In the bed and on the couch with Patrick riding him, OH MY GOD!! It was beautiful shot!! It was actual GAY sex and not some bullshit scene with Harry’s head under a skirt.

You do see Harry completely nude from behind. I would say a step further than Brokeback Mountain, no full frontal. David is gorgeous, his bf is also lucky. 😂

DWD is fucking child’s play in comparison. The gays stay winning.

I told [my friend] gay sex should always be shot this way. It was obviously well choreographed. The riding scene had beautiful vertical lines of their bodies shot from a small distanceIt wasn’t obscene, it was supposed to show them falling apart together and it was lovely.

They end up in bed together with Tom’s head on Patrick’s chest and that’s where Patrick says he had a previous partner that was killed for being gay. So they decide to obviously keep their relationship a secret.

It was so natural and Harry looked so amazing. I was so strangely proud, again just to see him be able to do that and recognize it as art and have it be a part of such an important story.

I know people are gonna ask you, so just to get it out there: Tom tops in every scene. When they’re in bed, Patrick does switch positions with him but just to kiss along his neck. And honestly, for a second I thought we were getting a rimming scene because Harry kind of arched his back 😳 But then it cut away. That DID make my eyebrows go up a bit but then no. Good form though, Styles. And congrats Louis, you lucky mfer.

OH! Before Tom goes back, there is a scene where Patrick visits the gay bar mentioned in the novel. He thinks he ruined his moment with Tom, so he goes to find someone else. They go to an alleyway and he’s about to blow the guy when two cops come. Patrick escapes but his guy is arrested.

Part 2

Part 3

#my policeman screening #my policeman #my policeman spoilers #spoilers #mine #my policeman screening report part 1

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beatcroc · 2 years ago

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tl;dr+disclaimer: this is NOT intended as some kind overarching review or analysis, just my thoughts on various things, and while i am absolutely enthralled by nge’s narrative tone/style/execution, i dont really give a shit about what the narrative is actually saying. This is not a writeup on its plot or themes, but rather the way they are presented and explored. [actually mostly a lot of obsessing over small details and side characters]. the end of evangelion movie is not included here and will have its own post.

secondary disclaimer: apparently nge has a fuckload of cultural context and stuff about How it exists as a commentary or subversion of stuff of its time or whatever. rest assured i know neither jack nor shit about any of it, and am just seeing how it functions as its own thing in a vaccuum. alright here we go.

earlygame evangelion was absolutely nothing like i was anticipating, and as a person who Generally Does Not Enjoy Anime, i cannot stress enough how much this was to its benefit. first thing i noticed was a distinctive Lack of those ‘anime visual gag’ type of character expressions/reactions; refreshing just for my own petty disdain for them, but also notably important to its overall tone. eva’s tone is absolutely one of the best things it has going for it; i’ll get into specifics as i go, but even before i would get to seeing how it strengthens both individual plot beats and the narrative at large, it was by far my biggest draw to the earlygame.

i think i can best describe it as “contemplative”. there’s very little real dialogue in the sense of characters having 2-way conversations. there’s a lot of emphasis on weighted silences, a lot of minor exposition delivered through background noise/chatter like radio broadcasts, a lot of just... the world moving around and contrasting with the characters as they Exist. The ep where shinji runs away definitely has the biggest focus on this, but it’s noticeable as a unique tonal thing right out of the gate. I feel like anime often tends to explain things too directly, whether it be story or lore; or a character's feelings or intentions. here, you rarely get more than a simple zoom in on a character’s face to denote They Are having Thoughts About This. No internal monologue rambling walking you through their whole thought process, It’s left to just their expressions and reactions. evangelion’s execution of “show, don't tell” still holds up pretty well in 2022 imo. maybe not the best out there these days, but definitely still effective. I’m far from well-versed in media like this, but i’d still say eva’s fairly standout, and anything that manages to do that after nearly 30 years deserves some kudos

Very related to that, “Doing a lot with a little” i think is the best way to sum up all of eva’s strengths. The subtleties and things left unsaid, as it were. Aside from the obvious jab at their making do with a nonexistent budget, this sort of thing comes through in its somber and down-to-earth tone, its character writing, and most especially, its support cast.

Both in the handling of the characters themselves and their dynamics with the main cast, the nge side characters are really, really good; like, probably the actual best i have encountered in any media ever. Each of them in their own way provide perfect backings and contrasts to everything the main cast has going on, they’re laser-focused efficient to enhance the others’ characters and arcs and the overall narrative messages--and yet they never feel like plot devices and are still really solid and wholly enjoyable as their own individual Characters, all without overstepping their boundaries AS support cast in terms of both screentime and narrative presence/influence. suzuhara and akagi demonstrate this best from very different angles and from here out this thing is pretty much just gonna be a breakdown of thoughts by character, but i’m doing suzuhara first because his being much more narratively dynamic means he gets to shine in a plethora of ways, so most of the Cool Narrative/Tonal Shit i wanna say about nge can be said by talking about him.

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you’d think the character whose introduction is “beating up the kicked puppy protag because he’s pissed” would be pretty one-note and uninteresting; i still wouldn’t really call suzuhara deep, per se, but….well, again, they do a lot with a little.

usually for this role you’d get something like “i’m gonna bully shinji because he’s stupid and lame ”, and it’s not like this would be misplaced because like... shinji IS lame, other kids DON’T like him, but suzuhara’s motivation being his hospitalized sister instead of anything with shinji himself changes the entire dynamic here to a pretty profound degree. it’s still a really simple and understandable motivation, but it lets him say a ton more than you usually could with this kind of role. the overt message still just sits at “we’re gonna make shinji hate himself life a little more“, but instead of just, like, making him feel shitty because there’s Mean People who will beat him up even though he’s trying his best or whatever, the implied message is more along the lines of “you’re hurting people you can’t see, but they’re still people who mean something to somebody, and they can damn well see you.”, and it’s for sure noticeable this is the kind of stuff that’s weighing on him the next couple eps. It’s not that he’s afraid of some random bullies that could jump him at any time, it’s that he’s now acutely aware the consequences of him messing up are exponentially larger than he can see.

it also gives suzuhara much easier room for growth! He doesn’t need some huge distracting character-altering event, he just needs to see that this is all way bigger than him and that he was out of his lane and being a shithead. getting caught face to face with an angel is a pretty effective way to do that, i’d say! Being saved by shinji specifically and having to see his trauma firsthand is an especially great note coming out of that too, realizing that shinji is neither a cocky asshole nor some incompetent coward, but that he’s really just. Yknow. Trying. I also think it’s a really…. Idk, cute? detail that while the scene in the cockpit clearly Affects him, he doesn’t apologize or offer comfort right away and just spends the next few days kind of sulking/angsting about it instead. Just a fun little humanizing err for him i think.

not a lot happens with him for awhile from there but i do really like him and his little nerd friend as just background pals for shinji. Comic relief isn’t usually a very…esteemed title in terms of narrative value, but in this case he’s earned it. Which isn’t something you’d usually say about comic relief characters! So good for him i guess.

The Fourth Child stuff coming into play is what really made me pog at this guy and his handling though. Just like. the framing of it. not telling the audience directly but showing that it’s someone all the other main characters already knew+the persistent scene cuts to him after someone brings up or asks who the fourth pilot is.

The character familiarity is cool mostly because of how small eva’s cast is overall. Like there are really not any random passerby citizens ever shown, let alone given dialogue, that they could have tossed in to use. Everybody who could be considered even remotely important/main cast is already occupied, and seeing that both asuka and katsuragi recognize him, it’s gotta be someone they would have met fairly recently–most likely someone we’d already seen on the show–and not some random guy from their backstories or something. They had my curiosity but i wouldn’t have guessed it! At least not without the scene cuts lmao. They do this like 4 times it’s really funny. Oh yeah the 4th pilot? Yeah we won’t say who but heyyyyy check This guy out.

my favorite bit from this is seeing the change in his demeanor in these cuts before vs. after he gets the news; his usual cheeky self in the first couple versus his going out alone to stare forlornly off into the distance in the latter few. I am like such a huge fan of this ok. Once again, things left unsaid: there’s so much he could be thinking about here and refusing to have him say any of it in itself speaks volumes.

What’s in there? Regret? Apprehension? Resignation? You’d need a monologue half as long as this damn post to really get into all the different angles of him unpacking the idea that he could now be the one unwittingly dropping a building on someone's little sister + reflecting back all the fears that he’d left shinji with after that little beatdown, but simply Not Saying It leaves a much stronger impression of the sense that it’s just A Lot for him to be thinking about. very cool in other characters’ reactions to it too; suzuhara himself never explicitly verbally confirms his being a pilot, but everyone notices he’s acting different. Hell, they even used SHINJI to point it out, and he’s usually the guy who’s worst at noticing these things.

small side note but there’s also a delightful bit of last minute rubbing salt in the wound with how bad his nerd friend wanted to pilot eva….seems like that kid is about the only other one who didn’t realize suzuhara is the 4th pilot too, which. lmao.

anyway then he gets in the eva and doesn’t really get to do anything. i don’t have any comments on that it’s the pretty obligatory “oop we gotta have our Angel Encounter for this ep”+”gotta find a newer and more powerful way to traumatize shinji” quota. There’s really good character moments here for some of the other cast which i’ll get to later but uhhh yeah suzahara just gets his shit fucked.

ok now full disclosure here i’m actually a huge bitch about character deaths like this, it is quite possibly my biggest pet peeve when characters go through something that is 100% presented as fatal or a killing blow, only to Not Actually Have Died At That Moment; either so they can give some kind of Emotional Speech:tm: and then die anyway, or by revealing they actually only got wounded or something bc of some kind bullshit plot armor. i thought eva might possibly be the kind of thing that’s brutal and/or disregarding-of-dramatic-narrative-flair enough to actually just leave it at him being dead there in the mech, but to an even bigger surprise i think this is maybe the only thing i’ve seen that’s played “they didn’t actually die in that horrific scene” to a way bigger impact.

The following hospital scene is already pretty interesting just with neither shinji nor suzahara knowing why the other was there; Shinji never learned who the fourth pilot is, and toji shows no animosity for the fact that shinji[’s eva] just beat the shit out of him so apparently he just wasn’t conscious for anything after his mech got taken over? and it’s just kind of like, spooky, to have what has every right to be an emotionally charged character reunion amount to nothing more than vague confusion between them. They don’t even get to talk to eachother! i don’t often see the thing of “audience knowledge vs. character knowledge” used like this; usually it’s the Characters who are sad or angry beause of some knowlege they lack, and You know that things are actually better than it appears to them; in this case you know things are way worse than they look and the characters are spared that burden. it’s weird and cool and potent but it’s not even my biggest takeaway from this. You know the thing that really fucks me up here?

we never see suzuhara again after this.

he isn’t given any sort of real farewell, he’s just gone. not dead, but gone. i’ve never seen that done before!!! it’s like....haunting to realize a guy who had been a minor but consistent constant is just not part of the picture any more, and it’s an especially odd feeling since you can’t really notice until it’s too late. now yeah, part of it was also that the plot had kinda moved beyond having time for side characters, but most of them do still make brief appearances, and we’re also specifically shown a brief scene in the schoolroom where all four pilot kids are conspicuously absent. their friends comment about how the main 3 are missing, and suzuhara is still never mentioned.

i genuinely feel more strongly about suzuhara’s narrative death than anything else in the show. i dont even care that it doesn’t mean anything this is my hill to die on. i love this dude and i love how every single beat with him makes me ape my shit.

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rei is the other end of Stuff Eva Is Really Good At. i mostly want to talk about her Big Reveal here but i do also want to give kudos for their committing so hard to the whole uncaring/ambivalent thing with her. feel like a lot of stuff that tries to do ‘emotionless’ characters chickens out and still gives them like one specific personality trait or thing they’ll react to or care about, probably for the sake of still making them relatable or enjoyable or something. granted, the context for this kind of character matters all the more when they’re Supposed to be empty, but even so this kind of thing is usually done to show there’s something Off about the character; rei’s being so aggressively, blatantly nothing and nonreactive about literally everything is just like. oh there is something OFF with you. Her and asuka’s exchange of “i bet you’d even kill yourself if they asked“ “i would, yeah“-said not out of devotion or depression, but pure disinterest, is probably about the strongest extreme you can take this idea to.

The whole series she’s such a powder keg waiting to blow and they let you smell its smoke in the flashback with akagi’s mom where it seems to be revealed that she’s 1-possibly a clone, and 2-apparently got killed the same day as she was unveiled, which obviously feel like pretty significant revelations but then they move on from it with zero fanfare and i was like huh. Wait. no wait hold on go back. i had actually intended to go back and rewatch that scene just to i’d actually make sure i’d clocked it properly because it was just that was chilling* and disorienting to have left it sitting pretty much unacknowledged for several episodes, but then it comes to ep23 after her dying for real in the eva and she says “i think i’m already the third one” as a soft confirmation and you’re like OH SHIT I WAS RIGHT but then theyre still not done blowing up everything with the actual reveal and it all comes out in the following scenes and it’s just like oh this is all so much worse than i could have imagined. all that was my peak of being Affected By Evangelion. i kinda just sat there In A State for a solid 30 minutes afterwards, just, rotating the series as a whole in my mind. man.

the scene with 01′s awakening is done with a pretty similar structure to this, and even though i actually knew about the twist of eva units being Literally Humans before going into the show, that scene was....hoo. like the knowledge does not prepare you for the presentation. I credit this mostly to its tone as well; there’s something really awesome about how evangelion can pull huge fucked up twists like this, yet the raw shock value of the scene itself [which should not be understated!] never outweighs the gravity of the situation as a whole. Like the takeaway from 01’s awakening isn’t just “oh shit!!!! The government is making fucked up mechs full of blood!!!”, it’s “these measures may be extreme but they are a necessary price to pay for survival[though is it really worth it?]”. And also maaaaybe a little “mankind is hubristic as fuck and we Love to fuck around and find out.” but that’s kind of just the deal throughout the whole series

Coincidentally, it’s also rei’s brief first couple appearances that i think initially help establish that gravity. very often when a character is badly injured it’s only really used to change how either they or another character engage with a situation; usually to remove them from it and/or spur another to action, which IS exactly what her role in e1 was for shinji. Thing is, unless the injury itself is a plot beat to be built upon, it just sort of gets swept under the rug at soonest convenience -so seeing her still really beat up a few episodes later, for pretty much no real purpose other than to say “yeah no that’s gonna take her a bit to recover from” was defintily a striking moment to me.

*spooky, haunting, chilling, i’ve used these words for these turns a good few times now. I know it’s a bit repetitive, but there really is something just so… hollow, so empty about these scenes; something that you know should be there and just isn’t and it feels weird. nge is damn good at anticipating where its emotional beats should be, and then intentionally leaving you with nothing when they come up. You wanted hype? You wanted catharsis? No get fucked. In most situations this would feel cheap or like some kind of buzzkill but with eva’s tone being how it is it’s just sort of… humbling? i know this is a bit of a pretentious read, but eva seems to make it a point to never go to hard into this being A Story, rather than Just Life; in the sense that life doesn’t always have the satisfying narrative conclusions you can expect in a story. They know enough not to Always do this because then the whole show would be actually lame and unrewarding, but the times they choose Not to deliver definitely have…a palatable contrast.

Also i know i made the jokey post about this already but LITERALLY why did they make rei go to school? There’s no?? Practical advantage to this??? I mean obviously from a narrative perspective it’s just to help sell the illusion that shes a normal human child but like. In-universe. Whose idea was this. Shes not even learning or getting Involved with anything she’s just staring out the window the whole time. She’s regularly absent and they’ve always gotta have people go check on/cover for her, not to mention that she doesn’t retain memories between bodies and they have to cover for her deaths too so like WHAT is the goal here!!!! Literally there are nothing but downsides to sending ur godspawn kid out into the public. Ok anyway. Moving on

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why DO people meme so hard on ‘get in the robot shinji’?? coming into this i really thought it was gonna take him half the damn series to get in the robot and that that was gonna be some kind of Climax, but it actually just happens in the first ep, and no one ever really has to ask or force him do it again after that? yeah he tries to quit half a dozen times, but all it really takes for him to come back around for another go in the eva is a fresh perspective. it’s more or less always his own choice.

i’ve heard a decent bit about shinji being an annoying or difficult-to-like character, and i... don’t get that at all? hes literally just a dude. A fucking babychild. coming into this i understood that he was young but i didn’t know he was Literally Fourteen, good lord dude. he’s definitely not a ‘good’ or standard type of personality for an anime protag but that’s literally the point? Like that is entirely central to what we are doing with this show. I’m not gonna say i’m a shinji Enjoyer; he’s mostly only my fave of the pilot kids by default, since asuka is,,,,,,, well. i’ll get to her in a moment, and rei you’re not Supposed to have an opinion on; but i am a shinji Defender. he has a couple of fun and strong character moments, and doesn’t really do anything egregiously awful or obnoxious so like. Literally leave him alone hes doing his best???

do people dislike him for that little tantrum he threw when he threatened to destory nerv hq? that one i can understand, but personally that was his strongest character moment for me. i’m pretty much always in favor of characters taking bold action for themselves, even if said action is outright a terrible/destructive choice. i think he shoulda done it. i would have supported him. the fact that he didn’t get to though is so.... oof. his most impactful moment for me for sure. Like he absolutely was not bluffing, and the ONE time he really gets it in him to take charge of his own life and surroundings and he just gets such a harsh reminder that he’s still not the one in control.

this is kind of just the whole show with shinji. A friend pointed him out as being “trapped in the narrative” and wow god yeah. It’s just a cycle with him. he goes out in the eva and something fucked up happens to traumatize him and hes like oh my god why am i doing this and then while hes out trying to sort that out something nice happens to make him accept whatever fucked up thing he had to deal with so he gets back in the eva again and then something fucked up in a totally different way happens and rinse and repeat. it’s pretty good at escalating the different types of trauma each angel inflicts on him; if i really cared about plot or thematic analysis it might be fun to pick apart what exactly each does, BUT i dont. The two final ones dealing with having to hurt other humans is definitely cool though.

the one part i felt his characterization was Questionable was when he was going up against the jaws sphere, it is like. Super not his deal to ignore orders and leap into action? Really kind of a ‘he’s gotta do this because the plot needs him in this position’ moment but it was ultimately pretty minor so whatever

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So yeah asuka……Hm. Asuka. good lord. i’m not a fan of the whole ‘tsundere’ thing in the first place, but that alone wasn’t actually grating just bc it plays up against the much more stiff shinji and rei in really fun ways, and it’s also extremely funny just knowing she’s The Progenitor for that whole Type. her concept is fine and she very easily could have been a thoroughly Fun character but uhhhhhhhhhhh. uh oh. uh oh. oh no.

as the unfortunate vessel for most of nge’s Awful Bullshit i can’t say i was ever looking forward to having her onscreen. in the beginning she wasn’t even instigating it they just loved shoving her ass in shinji’s face for no reason or doing the classic wind blowing up her dress and shit like that. now to be clear i know this wasn’t the first instance of Fanservicey Anime Bullshit in eva, but it was much easier to tolerate before because.. well, one, katsuragi isn’t fucking fourteen, and 2 even when that shit happened with rei she didn’t have a Reaction to it. I think its really the reactions that make it insufferable for me. the kyaa! pervert! nonsense and the self-conscious anime girl yelling and the characters being visibly humiliated, also the halting whatever else was going on at the moment to do all this. this also did not happen with the katsuragi ass shots since she was still just having a normal fuckin conversation and carrying on the plot BUT i digress. asuka did start saying weird shit of her own accord later in but i still didn't hold it against Her Character so much as just "the writers are being weird". Yknow like it would just feel so forced and arbitrary every time she made some comment like that. For the longest time the only thing i blamed her character for is being fuckin sexist all the time. ‘shinji youre a man arent you’ he is 14 and traumatized as fuck leave him alone you are making things worse >:|

In the end though, and i cannot believe i am saying this, i do think all of that was at least conceptually justified. Not in execution, because all that came through there is their insistence on shoving naked 14-year-olds in your face, but conceptually the idea of asuka’s desperation to be seen as capable and mature manifesting as forced aggressive sexuality is honestly really solid. She wants to be seen as an Adult, so she jumps to the first idea she has for Things That Adults Do, which i guess is sex. This is kind of a fantastic notion for her character because 1, it’s shallow-showing she’s A Goddamn Child who has no actual understanding of what adulthood really means, and 2, it’s loud-a very visible and hard to ignore thing which bolsters her all the more to stick to it. While portraying this is obviously a super touchy subject, i can’t help but feel it wouldn’t have been. All that hard to so without it being,,, this bad. Don’t show it to the audience? Literally just don’t show the audience. I get they need to make the other characters uncomfortable to land the concept but like. Dont put asuka herself onscreen while it’s happening jfc. i still would have been HARD side-eyeing at it that way too but just. anything had to have been better than this bro.

ANYWAY. that nonsense out of the way, she did end up being kind of fascinating for her own. i have never seen a character so extremely, terminally, self-damning as asuka. i hear a lot about shinji being hopelessly miserable, and like, sure, but asuka has it so, SO much worse??????? shinji is miserable because he’s directionless; he doesn’t know what he wants or how to get it, but he knows a glimmer of hope when he sees it and never squanders it. were he ever given direction or a way to Find his path to happiness–or to at least a way to care about finding his path to happiness, i’m sure he’d be able to chase it pretty easily.

asuka does not have a path to happiness, or at least not for the time presented in the show. While it’s true if half her issue here is just “being 14”, her “i’d rather be dead than pitied” ideology isn’t something that will automatically solve itself with age. It stays mostly out of the way as long as she never fucks up but as soon as she DOES make any kind of big mistake it becomes pretty much her entire character. damaged pride is one thing, but usually the remedy for that is just other characters lifting her up if she can’t do it herself. here, this is not only not an option but also actively detrimental. It’s already incredibly self-destructive on its own, but i still wouldn’t quite call it “damning” yet just because like. If you’re ride or die committed to your personal philosophy, you’ll still die, but there’s probably some kind of underhanded gratification in it to chase it to its end. The thing is though that she’s not committed to it, and it’s honestly kind of hard to say to what extent she even believes in it at all.

this, i feel, is asuka’s defining moment, especially after her extensive agonizing in previous eps about having to be rescued by both shinji and rei. She can’t live with being helped because she wants to be independent, and yet she can’t live without help- with being alone-because she’s desperate to be seen and regarded as worthwhile.

both of these are damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don’t situations! this kid is damned 4 ways ‘till thursday and the only way to get around it would be her undergoing some kind of minor ego death, and she is extremely not interested in letting this happen. shinji takes a blow and goes off to sulk for 3 days, has one positive interaction/experience, and gets a whole second wind. asuka takes a blow and falls into a pit of self-loathing [or really everything-loathing by the sound of it], aggressively refuses positive interactions, and tries to kill herself. It’s just like. Very telling i think that even though “everyone's depressed and miserable and dealing with shit Badly” is a running theme in this show, asuka is the only one who attempts suicide.

If my interpretation of all this seems a little weird it’s because “i’d rather be dead than pitied” is uhhhhhh unfortunately an ideology i’m very personally familiar with, and even though characters with that general idea aren’t too rare in media, i’ve never seen it BASICALLY stated verbatim, so. needless to say seeing asuka’s arc go the way it did did some things to me. whoops! anyway.

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i have to talk about katsuragi now ok. Ok. katsuragi is absolutely the hero of this show for me and it’s a little baffling she’s not like, A Recognizable Eva Character in laymen’s circles? Like coming into this I knew the pilot kid trio and a handful of the angels just from seeing stuff floating around the internet, and i could least recognize gendo from memes, but katsuragi? Entirely new territory here. what gives! She’s an incredible character and people should talk about her more because i am NOT about to be out here being the foremost katsuragi enjoyer in 2022. Come on

anyway man where do i even start. she’s everything. she’s got a cool car. she’s fiercely competent. she’s the man with the plan. she’s a domestic disaster. she notoriously cant cook for shit. she has a pet penguin [?!?]. she adopts two kids. shes a little bit crazy. She’s the butt of a lot of jokes. shes a rogue agent. she fucked her ex in an alley [??!?]. She has a drunken breakdown and needs help to get out of it. she hates her father. she has complicated feelings about her father. she’s on a vengeance quest. She accidentally gets attached to the kids in her care. she fucked her ex for government secrets. She’s sick of the expectations on her. she’s petty and emotional and weird, and most of all, she’s allowed to do all this without ever undermining her skill and authority, and the respect other characters have for her. im going to be real i don’t quite think all of her traits and flaws were intentionally written to be enjoyable but damn if i didn’t enjoy them anyway. Katsuragi has this real edge of emotional roughness to her that i feel like most female characters aren’t allowed to get into, and i really just??? Love her for it???? I thought i was gonna have a ton to say about her but honestly it all just comes back to “i really really really like how her flaws are written/handled alongside the rest of her character”.

I don’t have anything to like dissect about this line i just really like it. Eva had built up a pretty good bit of goodwill through its first 7 eps, and this really put a point on it. unfortunately it would then be ruined immediately in ep 8 BUT i did want to bring it up just because it was like. an ‘oh ok i can be justified for liking these characters’ type beat.

Also as far as the series ending goes i do have to be an apologist about her sorry. She literally has not done anything [more] wrong [than any of the other characters]!! they wanna go through and list out all these characters’ insecurities and flaws and they go after katsuragi to slutshame her like “Oh you're lonely so you use men to chase simple pleasures” and like. no?

First of all, every character’s breakdown was “you're lonely and/or afraid so that manifests as x”!!!! if she wants to fuck about it that’s her business! There is nothing inherently wrong with that! this COULD have still easily been a fatal flaw, like they could have presented it as a bunch of partners she’d had in a sort of use-and-abuse fashion and i’d have been like ok yeah this is an issue for you but they didn’t do that! the ONLY thing they talked about was her less-than-stellar relationship--and subsequent messy breakup with kaiji**. Even if said breakup was largely her fault, she already acknowledged this and recognized the issues that led her to it! She has already apologized and openly admitted her fear to him, and that fear was explicitly why she ended the relationship! That is not intentionally “using” someone!!! you cannot call this a fatal flaw without more evidence. she had one messy relationship and she likes to fuck. That's a normal human flaw, try again.

**this is actually a blessing in disguise, as it’s most of why i’m willing to look the other way when it comes to interpreting the more, uh, questionable aspects of her dynamic with shinji in nge. Like if the possible sexual implications there had been a Serious Deal for her character/portrayal i feel like it would have been brought up here, but since it wasn’t im happy to sweep it under the rug so it doesn’t ruin a character i otherwise really love. i do have a decent bit to say on this, but i’m saving it for the eoe post because it’s more relevant there and because, unlike eoe, my feelings towards nge are mostly positive so likewise i want to keep this post mostly positive.

only thing she doesnt get a pass on is the alley sex like come on at least ONE of you has to have more class than that?!?!? It’s gotta be cold and dirty out there you are ON THE CONCRETE GROUND and there is VISIBLY A TRAIN GOING BY someone one is gonna see you!!! You’d have been better off fucking in a goddamn bathroom at that point

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akagi is the other unsung hero of this show, but in an in-universe way. this woman is holding this whole damn operation together. i don’t have much to say on her narratively, she’s got a very small presence, but as with suzuhara i think her lessened involvement really shows how eva lets simplified characters shine. I’m not gonna break down all of her appearances like i did for toji, but she has the same general “every time she’s onscreen they make excellent use of it” thing going on. she’s known the other NERV mainstays pretty far back and they’re really good at showing that familiarity through her dynamics with them. they just Know Things about eachother, and it’s played in a very natural and non-exposition-y way to inform stuff about the other characters’ pasts or motivations or how they’ve changed through the years or something like that. it’s good. she’s good. Always a delight to have you ma’am

Also im gonna say it. She should have been a lesbian. she has the vibes and it would have saved us all from... whatever that lategame nonsense with her and gendo was. c’mon girl LITERALLY anyone but gendo i know you have better taste than this. also x2 her dynamic with katsuragi is already great but i think it could have been even more interesting with some Subtext:tm: at play, even if unrequited. also x3 there is literally official art for this.

its literally right there. come ON

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also on side characters i never learned suzahara’s little nerd friend’s name but he’s really good too. his scene with shinji in e4 is wonderful and i think his being a dweeb does a good bit to enhance suzuhara’s character too, again just showing suzuhara isn’t an indiscriminate bully going after people who are ‘weird’ or lame or whatever since he clearly does not share this guy’s interest in military junk. also him cheerfully apologizing while suzuhara beats shinji up is just a great dynamic.

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I have to bring up penpen real quick just because no one ever told me theres a fucking penguin in this. hello? shinji just opens the door and theres a fucking penguin there and gets told thats his other roommate and we just have to accept that. I was looking at his wiki page and apparently 1. He lives in a spare freezer [very funny], and 2. katsuragi “took him with her from her previous job” HELLO??? Did she steal a fucking penguin???? and what IS this thing’s level of sapience anyway. he eats out of a little doggy dish on the floor and doesn’t seem to have much capacity for communication, but knows how to use buttons and switches around the house, takes his own showers, and is apparently LITERATE???? lots of questions here but nonetheless i am very happy he exists. little guy :)

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kaji is.....*through gritted teeth*...........okay.......i guess. He does a lot of shit i want to kill him for but he also behaved himself at all the most crucial moments [providing gentle support when katsuragi was at her most vulnerable, and flatly ignoring all of asuka’s advances] so that makes him better than a lot of other characters. there’s a lot about him that easily could have gone way, way worse so ill take what i can fuckin get here. i don’t actually care about his narrative involvement at all sorry. i’m taking a petty point on this one. kind of glad he died just for getting to avoid the painfully obvious cliche of being the love interest katsuragi gets together with in the end, especially after treating her the way he does most of the time, and her still being really into him regardless for some reason. Would have felt like a really cheap and bullshit way to “justify” all of that. the most frustrating admission i have to make with this show is that "well, i'd rather it be between misato's tits, but failing that i'm choosing to die right here in my garden" is kind of unironically a fantastic line...he can have that one. That whole gardening scene was just really nice in general, and i do enjoy him as a sort of guide for shinji but other than that jesus christ dude.

i think he’s probably the most messy and plot device-y feeling character, though i recognize at least part of that is my general distaste for him so i have nothing else to say here.

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The little trio of field operations tech type guys…. Listen i know my fawning over literally every minor character is getting absurd at this point but like. I literally enjoy them. Ok. i think it’s really cool having a handful of just Actually Normal Guys along for the ride on this; seeing how The Horrors affect just the average joe kinda guy. For everyone else their own emotional torment is on pretty equal footing with all the impending physical threats, but these guys aren’t already super traumatized and have a much more surface-level relation to the horrors. Idk !i just think it’s neat seeing a different set of perspectives with them that lacks the tint of the Personal stakes/involvement the rest of the cast has with the whole situation; even if their reactions are pretty “generic” and could have been done with any random passerby in the city, i think it adds to it that it’s done with recurring guys, however minor. they are freshly Going Thru It but they persevere and i love them for this.

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gendo is notable just for how much he sucks. like it’s truly astonishing. i dont even mean in the abusive shitty father way. or, well, i do, because he IS also that, but even moreso he is just. so lame? he’s SO lame. all he does is sit there with his hands folded and say edgy ominous shit. some of that was definitely intentional and i think they also just couldn't afford more than one pose for the guy, but also....come on. Get a life loser. even the peppermints guy somehow has more personality and intrigue than gendo and im pretty sure his only purpose is to sit in the bg to be intimidating and to mediate between nerv and seele.

anyway in ep18 he CLEANLY crosses the line from “obnoxiously distant and uncaring/nonreactive” to ”oh this guy is Actually evil”, in a... not really unexpected, but still very brutal way. given his interactions with rei it’s easy to think he’s still a somewhat benign dude overall and just hates shinji for being a failure son or whatever, BUT turns out actually shinji is the rule and rei is the exception instead of the other way ‘round. which, given what rei is... lol. lmao. [you of course don’t know that at this point though.] but no yeah this dude is just totally down to physically destroy some random kid by mentally destroying his own kid. oh and he also killed his wife. literally just astonishing how awful he is.

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oh yeah and kaworu exists. i guess. evidently people actually care about this guy? don’t get me wrong he’s a hell of a plot catalyst, but like as a character? Theres nothing there dude. he only exists for like 1.5 episodes and has zero agency, he’s just there to once again fill the quota of “new angel+traumatize shinji”. To be fair he is very good at this. But yeah i cannot give a shit about him, even as an angel. If i wanted to talk about individual angels i think i’d legit have more to say on that glowing one with psychic beams than the guy whose role is “suck up to shinji for an episode to make it extra painful when he inevitably has to die” i do think it’s insanely funny he shows up in so much of eva’s promo art though, what an absurd way to do a red herring.

--------------------------------------------- ok thats all the characters. umm a few other random misc notes

I moved this part out of the intro bc it’s a longer sidetrack but another thing that hooked me about the earlygame was actually the coverup explanation of the second impact as a meteor strike. It’s the first one you’re given, and a devastating natural disaster plays perfectly to the Somber tone eva thrives on. something unavoidable and unprovoked…. perhaps it is simply the bio nerd in me but the idea of earth and its life just trying to figure out how to exist again in the wake of something like that is awesome to me and did a ton to keep everything down to earth despite the giant robots and otherworldly horrors and whatnot. Definitely kind of a letdown to hear that’s just the cover-up explanation though, sort of turned it into your generic “humanity brought its own end” post-apocalypse thing, which may have been more novel at the time but it’s become pretty overdone these days. granted, eva’s a lot less overtly About said apocalypse than your typical modern post-apoc thing, and the… circumstances for this cataclysm are definitely a bit different, but still. “You couldn’t have stopped this, you can only repair after the fact” is an angle i’m vastly more interested in, and also one i don’t see as much.

coming out of that, 8-17 are definitely the low stretch for me. the introduction of kaji and asuka their Anime Bullshit™, and the tone turning to a more standard monster of the week mech battle thing definitely killed my engagement there. whether there was actually more dialogue or i had just gotten acclimated to the Usual lack conversation i can’t tell, but all the aforementioned stuff put a pretty big hit on my enjoyment regardless. it picked back up HARD with the fourth child stuff though, and the plot motion of the Really Fucked Up Shit from there was plenty enough to outweigh my other gripes.

As far as the ending goes… yeah it’s good. It’s lame as hell in execution but like conceptually it’s fine and i can’t really be too mad about anything seeing as they were evidently Out Of Money. They stuck the landing effectively enough; really about as well as they could have given such strict limitations, and i do actually think it’s extremely cool that they were able to frame “removing backgrounds and colors and clean lines” and “we literally can only get this part out as storyboards” as a legit storytelling thing. Still sad about the dozen hanging lore threads ofc but getting any followup on those means acknowledging the movie so i’ll gladly cut my losses

I think this might fall under ‘fakedeep’ and ‘not actually good’ but i do genuinely appreciate that while nge looooves to have intentionally confusing presentation, when they Want to say something it’s never really inscrutable and/or buried in metaphor and symbolism. This isn’t a narrative critique or anything i’m just not very smart so i like that it’s still pretty straightforward.

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Obligatory section about the angel designs. Yeah they’re good too. Anyone knows me knows i am allllll the fuck about creature design, and even though these aren’t as in-depth as what i usually go for[mostly due to budget stuff no doubt, judging by what they did with ramiel in the rebuild] [again i havent seen rebuild but hot damn rebuild ramiel my beloved], i still really appreciate just how diverse most of them are. They don’t stick to any particular type of design logic, and it’s rare to see something actually embrace an “anything goes” ruleset as well as this does. Like you got ones that are sort of just fantasy animals, ones that are a funky combination or suggestion of earth animals, ones that are just arcane imposing shapes, ones that are kind of abstract interesting shapes, some that are humanoid, some that are just and then like…whatever the fuck was going on with that dna halo thing. The humanoid ones do feel a bit samey but also anyone who knows me knows thats pretty much always the opinion i have on human/oid designs fdjsdjkfd. They have pretty funky and diverse sets of shapes which is rad, but their attack methods are all… Pretty boring. Pretty much all of ‘em just attack with their hands in some way and i feel like theres a million other things they coulda done there but oh well. Bland attacks are consistent across a lot of them though, like half were just “extrude something through the guy”, though i don’t think i can really be too mean about it because elaborate fight sequences would Also require money lmao.

Anyway my fave is the spider, followed by the weird fuckin orange splatter comet thing and the eel type guy

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i just have to say this as a standalone point but why do people not meme on the part where an angel starts fucking shit up and they just drop the hallelujah chorus oh my GOD. we make fun of the elevator scene and rightfully so even though that wasn’t the only instance of a single frame lasting over a minute, but like. idk maybe they thought the hallelujah chorus souned cool and dramatic or something but it just made me lose my shit when it came on. asuka is going fucking through it and the most sanctimonious singsongy music is playing.

another really funny thing is how every time they do a scene with an eva unit they’re like “oh no! something is going wrong! cut the power! aaah it’s not responding we can’t stop it!! oh no this is unprecedented!”. yes this is very precedented actually it happens literally every time. i know theres no suspense in an easy mission and they’re trying to drive that controlling the evas is janky as hell but you gotta have SOME standard of success/normalcy to compare to sjkdskdfdsf

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on the rebuilds....yeah no i don’t intend on watching them [unless it’s as a group with friends or something] If i’ve communicated nothing else in all this, i’d hope i got across that i admire nge mostly for the incredible efficiency of its narrative. It’s tight, focused, makes the most of that it’s got, and doesn’t go anywhere it doesn’t need to. i wouldn’t have been able to see a purpose for the rebuilds to have a new character in the first place, and after hearing a bit about said character’s evident production hell, uhhhhh. Lmao. i’d already think it loses something by not having by not having such tight budget restraints-since those no doubt factored into the way its tone was played here, but if they’re also adding shit just to add shit i Really don’t care.

that’s it i dont have a cool conclusion to all this or anything. i just needed to get all the thoughts out so i didn’t go insane. thanks for reading!

#nge #neon genesis evangelion #evangelion #oh that i cared to tag individual characters. no #evaposting #also i know i talked abput this thing a lot but i hope i didnt like Hype It Up sjfdjsajdf #there probably isn't anything too deep or interesting in here i just had a lot to say.

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