#dumbass j tramp

[isawthismeme]

[everybodyscupoftea]

the tramp stamp

frat jj x reader

i’m drunk because the leafs lost, but i wrote this and i think it’s very important (it’s unedited) 

this is dedicated to @moldisgoodforyou​ because technically this was her idea (consensual content theft).

hannah! i hope i did this justice for you :)

(warnings: drinking, cursing, tattoos)

After the big intramural win, JJ and his teammates decided to hit downtown. You and the girlfriends got a table while the boys went straight to the bar for a round. JJ brought you back a vodka soda and slung an arm over your shoulder, “Baby, how’s it feel being the league’s leading scorer’s girl.”

You leaned into him and smirked, “I don’t know, what’s the benefit I’m getting out of it?”

His hand wandered a little, “Oh, sweetheart, I think you know.”

Laughing, you pinched his side, “Yeah, we’ll see how you’re feeling by the time we leave.”

“Dance?” he asked, leading you to the center of the dance floor without actually waiting for your answer.

Dreams and Nightmares by Meek Mill blasted through the dark club and JJ started bouncing, clearly worked up with adrenaline and alcohol. You could smell the tequila on his breath as he screamed along, face close to yours. It should’ve been gross, but you were feeling the vodka enough to just feel endeared by it.

You finally escaped when the heat got too much and you could feel the sweat on your neck. Some of the other girls were still at the table when you got back, all watching the boys celebrating. One of them nudged you as you sat down, fanning your face, “Imagine if they were pros.”

With a laugh you told her, “I’m not sure I could survive a cup win.”

JJ went back and forth between the bar and the dance floor for a while before stumbling back over to you. Mostly sober, you were able to stay on your feet when he leaned most of his weight into you. He slurred out, “Baby, where ya been?”

“Been right here, J. Where you been?”

“Vibin. You’ve seen me on the dance floor, huh?”

“Yeah I have.”

“Good, dancing for you, sweetheart.”

You laughed, “Damn, can’t believe I get all this for free.”

He planted a sloppy kiss on what was supposed to be your lips, but he miscalculated and actually hit your chin. Pulling back, he frowned and muttered, “Fuck,” before trying again, with a little more success.

You took pity and tilted his chin up a little bit to meet your lips like normal. JJ tried to deepen the kiss, but you kept it tame. Pressing slightly on his chest, you told him, “We’re in public, babe, I’m not near drunk enough for exhibitionism.”

“But I love you, and we won” he whined, leaning in again.

Pushing him away with two fingers on his lips, you frowned, “Take that shit back, I refuse to have you tell me you love me the first time with fucking Sicko Mode playing in the background.”

“No takesies backsies,” he told you with a giggle, kissing your fingertips.

“JJ,” you groaned, stepping away.

“Woah, save that for the bedroom, sweetheart.”

“God I hate you sometimes.”

He winked and shook his head, “No you don’t. You haven’t said it yet, but I know you love me.”

“Oh yeah, that full of yourself, huh?”

“You look at me with happy eyes.”

You stifled a laugh, “Happy eyes?”

“Yeah, you don’t look at anyone else the same way, so I know you love me.”

That was so not the environment you wanted to have that conversation in, so you just hugged him in attempt to stop him from continuing, and it worked. He melted into you a little bit before pulling away, “Home?”

You nodded, “Let’s go home, baby.”

After calling an uber and waiting on the sidewalk, JJ finally turned to you, “Hey, what do you think about matching tattoos?”

You shrugged, “I’d think about it. Could be fun if we had the long-term discussion.”

“Fuck yeah,” JJ cheered, throwing his hands up just as the uber arrived.

Suppressing a laugh, you pulled him into the SUV. He followed easily and the driver started the short route to your apartment. You had a hankering for some strawberries, which you knew you had in the fridge, so you didn’t really pay attention to whatever JJ was doing next to you.

You didn’t have to help JJ up the stairs, shockingly, but when you got into your apartment, it was like he couldn’t stand straight.

“Babe, you want some water?”

He followed you to your room, not answering, and you turned around to look at him as he tried to collapse onto your bed. Unfortunately for him and your downstairs neighbors, he missed and hit the floor hard. You stifled a laugh and he pouted at you from the floor.

“You missed,” you told him, holding out a cup of water. He took it and almost dumped it down his shirt immediately, and you sighed, going to get a paper towel for him. By the time you got back, he was standing, holding the cup away from him, shirt totally soaked.

He grinned, “Hey, I’m going with some friends to smoke some weed, can I come back around 2?”

With a sigh, you nodded, “Yeah, I’ll be up, be safe, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

And with one last hug, he was gone. You straightened up your room, changed into your pajamas, and started a movie on your laptop that would last you until about 2 a.m. Somewhere during the movie, you fell asleep and sometime later, woke up to banging on your door.

Stumbling to your feet from your bed, you checked the time. 6:30 a.m. JJ was leaned against your door frame, clearly fucked up, wearing different clothes than the night before. You rubbed your eyes a few times before letting him in. He looked at you, put a hand on your shoulder, and said, “Baby, I’m still so fucked up.”

You led him to the couch, and he collapsed on it. Confident that he was still breathing, you went back to your bed and fell asleep.

By the time you woke up, at 10, JJ was still passed out. Some of your friends had texted you asking about brunch, so you wrote out a short note in case JJ were to wake up while you were gone. He barely shifted when you walked out and tripped over the TV table, so you were pretty sure he’d still barely be conscious when you got back home.

When you got back, he was still out, just like you predicted. You decided to get some homework while he was out. Sitting on your bed, door cracked so you could see if he moved, you started working on a paper for your Ethics class.

JJ finally started to move, so you walked out to be there when he woke up. He’d likely be pretty confused. You glanced over him once and did a double take at the glimpse of ink you saw under his shirt. A little hesitantly, you shoved his shirt up, only to see something that looked a little familiar inked onto his lower back.

Your loud laughter woke JJ up completely and he squinted at you, trying to figure out what the fuck you were laughing at. Sitting down before you fell over, you ran your hand through his hair. He squinted and rasped out, “Morning, mamas.”

“It’s 3 p.m. JJ.”

“Oh.”

You kept stroking his hair and smiled at him, “Got a tattoo last night, hon?”

He tried pushing himself into an upright position before giving up and slumping further into the couch, “I can’t remember.” Glancing down, he did a double take at his shirt, “Is this mine?”

Shrugging, you pulled at the t-shirt, “I’m not sure, but you didn’t leave in this.”

“Fuck, what happened last night?”

“I don’t know, but you told me you’d be back at 2 a.m., and I didn’t see you until 6:30.”

“What day is it?”

And that one even you had to think about, “Saturday afternoon,” you told him after a few seconds.

“Damn, sorry, sweetheart.”

“You’re good, J. I went to brunch and brought home some leftovers; you want some?”

“Actually yeah,” he shifted and you were immediately reminded of the new ink. JJ pushed himself all the way up and stretched, arms going over his head. You glanced around him, and sure enough, your initials, right at the top of his waistband.

“Hey, hon?” you asked, trying to find the best way to broach the subject.

JJ yawned, jaw clicking with how wide his mouth opened, before responding with a questioning hum.

“What about new ink?”

He shrugged, body going a little limp and you gripped the front of his jeans, trying to get him to turn around. JJ leered at you a little and you rolled your eyes until he finally turned and you were able to pull his shirt up to get a good look.

“Baby,” he started, “I do love you, and I faintly remember our conversation. Even though I was fucked up, I meant it.”

“Oh, I believe you,” you told him, lightly tracing the raised ink before taking a quick picture of it.

“Good,” he said, turning back around to kiss you.

You pushed his face away, “You’re not getting close to me without a toothbrush, sweetcheeks.”

JJ grumbled a little bit before going to the bathroom. As soon as you heard the sink start, you sent him the picture. It was obvious when he saw it because you heard a choking noise and a loud ‘what the fuck’ before he came stumbling out of your bathroom.

He looked at you a little panicked, “Is this real?”

You laughed, “Sure looks like. How’s it feel having a tramp stamp of my initials, dumbass.”

“Your dumbass,” he responded with a wink.

“Fuck, I guess so,” you responded, before holding out one of his shirts you had in your drawers, “please put on this shirt, I’m tired of seeing you in Pike letters.”

“Pike?!” he exclaimed, almost choking on the toothbrush, and you burst into laughter.

Before he could go into a full panic, you interrupted, “It’s a joke, baby. But for real, that shirt smells like weed, let me wash it.”

He tugged it off with a sheepish smile, “I love you?”

“Is that a question?”

“I don’t know, are you open to hearing it today?” he asked, a little sarcastically.

“I love you too,” you told him, pressing a kiss to his cheek, “finish brushing your teeth, baby.”

“Yes ma’am,” he responded with a wink.

***

tagging: @girlsru1eboysdroo1​ @socialwriter​ @diverdcwn​ @stfukie​ @peypip​ @simpin4jj​

[zeppelin-and-unicorns]

Fanfic recommendations part six: 100% Alternate Universe stories.

Hey! It took me a while to post this and I’m sorry, got too caught up with, well, you know, life (ew). But I’m back!

All the stories listed in this are stories are 100% AU (yes, I’m including the Soulmate AU’s in this category). I’ve read and enjoyed them all.

Accidentally In Love by the bohemian flow.

Rachel Hyde was a witness to a strange romance that blossomed between her twin brother, Steven, and Jackie Burkhart, of all people. Her and Steven weren't the biggest fans of Jackie, but now, he loves her. How could Rachel possibly put up with her brother's girlfriend?

AU where Hyde has a sister. Not 100% focused on J/H, since it’s from Hyde’s sister POV, but it’s still pretty good.

This story is a WIP and it’s being updated constantly.

109k words, 28 chapters so far.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, OC/Kelso, OC/Eric, Eric/Donna.

A Different Start Could Lead to a Better End by SoftBubbles

Instead of Hyde meeting her as Kelso's annoying girlfriend, what if he met her as his annoying English partner, whom he quickly learns is more than she seems.

This story is not complete, it was last updated on July of 2020, and I pray for the author to come back to it one day, it’s a really good story.

Trigger warning for child abuse.

13k words, 14 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Bad Moon on the Rise by Badfanfic

Set around season 2. Jackie starts to develop feelings for Hyde, even though its the last thing she wants. Hyde is just trying to survive but is having difficulty controlling himself, especially around a certain cheerleader.

Hyde is a werewolf in this story. And THIS IS GOOD Y’ALL, I’ve read this like 10 times already.

Unfortunally, I think this story is abandoned, the last time the author updated was in June of 2020, but I still have hope, it’s really good and I’m DYING to read more. I absolutely adore stories with supernatural elements, and it’s so hard to find good ones in this fandom. Please read this.

13k words, 9 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Focus by Jenny7

After a metaphysical awakening, Hyde develops the ability to telepathically connect with a single stranger. What he doesn't expect is that the girl that he shares the connection with, a rich cheerleader with a complicated past, will forever alter his views on life and love.

SO GOOD. It’s complete and it has a sequel (that’s not complete but still worth the read), called Darlin, Walk Awhile With Me.

2k words, 19 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde.

History Rewritten by kezztip

What if Hyde got his Season 1 wish and stole Donna away from Eric? And then what if Eric had turned to a certain tiny cheerleader instead?

This story is complete, and if you have a soft spot for Eric/Jackie, than you might like this a lot.

81k words, 25 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, Jackie/Eric, Hyde/Donna, Eric/Donna.

(I absolutely hate the Hyde and Donna pairing but it’s temporary so it’s okay).

Playing Pretend by isnotme

Caught up in her teenager concerns – and some wounds to heal, Jackie didn’t realize that her parents' marriage was crashing down for real, causing a major turnaround in her world.

.

In the edge of seventeen, Hyde had too much on his mind. With graduation coming so soon, he knew too well he was about to be kicked out of the Forman's home. But when Bud’s illegal activities came to knock on his door, Hyde saw his plans falling apart once again.

Or

An AU where Jackie and Hyde get themselves in one of those fake relationship situation and somewhere along the way, they find somethings in commun. Highly inspired in every cliché Rom Com ever made, including Netflix's most recents TATBILB and Isi and Ossi.

This story is a WIP and it’s being updated often.

33k words, 13 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, background Eric/Donna

Pretty in Wisconsin by BelleBae

Jackie Burkhart has a lot to deal with. Her dad is in prison, her mum can't get it together and one of her best friends is in love with her. Will she be able to sort everything out by Prom? Inspired by Pretty In Pink.

Cute and complete.

20k words, 23 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Rock You Like a Hurricane by zeppelinandunicorns (yours truly)

Alternative universe where Donna met Jackie before meeting Eric and the rest of basement gang.

Jackie and Donna are 16 and 17 when they finally met the four basement misfits after a Fleetwood Mac concert.

This story is a WIP, and I do not plan on abandoning it, I love it too much to do that.

77k words, 15 chapters so far.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, Eric/Donna, background Red/Kitty and eventual Fez/Laurie and Kelso/Brooke.

Also Available on AO3

She Belongs to me series by QueenBookBuff

A universe where Kelso cared a lot more about Jackie and Hyde getting together and implications of a deeper background for both Jackie and Hyde and Kelso and Jackie.

This got me hooked, it’s really good, please read it.

It’s complete and there are sequels! They are called All Our Tomorrows

and The Scarlet and SJ Chronicles.

27k words, 7 works in total.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Summer Music Series by Wickedfetch

What if Hyde and Jackie didn't meet until 1985?

Complete.

7k words, 3 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Also Available on AO3

That 70s show by Zenmaster21

What if Jackie had dated Hyde from the beginning instead of Kelso? This is simply a re-write of the episodes had Jackie and Hyde always been together.

One of my favorites stories from the entire fandom.

Not complete, but please read it, it’s worth it.

Trigger warning for child abuse.

152k words, 37 chapters.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, Eric/Donna

The Fifth Forman by BlueZeppelin

What if it wasn't just Eric and Laurie? What if they had another sibling? Like...Jackie? What would happen with Hyde? Would Eric be happy with his sister dating his best friend? Would Red like his daughter to be with one of the basement dumbasses?

This story is complete!!

52k words, 18 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

The One Where Jackie Moves In by Floweerchild96

Jackie has been living in New-York with her family but after her father goes to jail and her mother abandons her, she is forced to return to a town she thought she was done with for good. How will Jackie's reemergence in the basement effect the gangs lives?

A really good story, but unfortunally, it’s not complete. Still worth the read.

103k words, 20 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, background Eric/Donna.

Wall Around Your Heart by ourinvisibleink

Jackie Burkhart-Forman was adopted at almost ten years old by Red and Kitty, after her parents flee the country for drug trafficking crimes. Laurie grapples with addiction, Eric is messed up because of Red’s verbal abuse, Steven’s arrival is brought on by Jackie, Kelso is neglected, Fez is victim to racism, and Jackie befriends Jason, the new kid who happens to be gay.

This story is really good, but it deals with some serious stuff. I still love it.

Complete and it has a sequel called Plastar and Mortar.

52k words, 26 chapters.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, Eric/Donna, Fez/Laurie, Red/Kitty.

One-shots:

A Little Less 70s, A Little More Modern AU by fairytalesandfolklore

A modern AU where the characters from That 70’s Show grew up in the 90’s x early 2000’s instead.

Cute as hell!!! Worth the read!

1k words.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

found a wife and a home (and a family that matters) by blackorchids

Hyde’s been part of the Forman family for years before they make him move in.

I placed this in the AU category because apparently Jackie and Hyde always dated, it doesn’t specify much.

1k words.

Rated G.

Pairings: background Jackie/Hyde and background Red/Kitty. This is not focused on the couples, but on Hyde’s relationship with the Forman’s.

Lady and The Tramp by soobeans

'See, I, myself, don't like you. I find you abrasive. But if I didn't know you, and I'd never talked to you, I'd think you were totally hot.'

In Point Place, Wisconsin, there are only three distinct areas. The Western area consists of the burnouts, thugs, outcasts, hopeless dreamers, poor people, and overall, tramps. The Eastern area holds the classy, rich, and more fortunate ladies and gentlemen. In between is where the two are forced to intermingle, but of course, they found a few ways to separate themselves.

8k words.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, some minor background Eric/Donna moments.

That Disco Episode: Zenmasters Style by springsteenicious

What if Hyde had learned how to dance to impress Jackie instead of Donna? And what if Jackie hadn’t been dating Kelso?

That Disco Episode, rewritten for Jackie and Hyde.

2k words.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Bonus: Soulmate AU’S:

I am so in love with Soulmate AU’s that I’m currently writing one, I wanted to make a special post just for this category but it would be too small so I just included it in here. 

Finders Keepers by nannygirl

It's said that before you find your soulmate you will find one of their lost items first, so what happens when Hyde finds a gold bracelet in The Formans' backyard? Will it lead him to his soulmate, someone who he's sure probably doesn't even exist?

This story is not complete, but worth the read.

5k words, 2 chapters.

Rated K+.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, some background Red/Kitty

It Takes Time to Fall in Love by yabookreader96

Jackie can't wait to meet her soulmate, but a dire mistake on her part leads her to mistakenly identify him as Michael, while Hyde watches his soulmate clock hit zero and immediately knows that it's Jackie. Years pass, Jackie with Michael, Hyde saying nothing as he knowingly watches from the side. Will this dynamic be permanent or will destiny bring the true soulmates together?

This story is complete.

18k words, 12 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, temporary Jackie/Kelso.

Mistaken Messages by MistyMountainHop

Jackie longs for her soulmate to accept her, and Hyde hopes his will leave him alone because he's in love with someone else. A stack of mystical index cards lets them communicate with their as-yet unidentified soulmates. But the more their soulmates write, the less control Jackie and Hyde seem to have over their fate.

This story is complete.

23k words, 5 chapters.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, background Eric/Donna

Also Available on AO3

Until We Get There by poetdameron

Running away from their own wedding is the craziest thing Hyde and Jackie have ever done together. But the tug he feels at his heart when realizing she doesn't want to marry him? The worst.

This story is complete.

39k words, 8 chapters.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Also Available on AO3

Voodooized by mc_1

Eric’s been noticing something weird going on between Jackie and Hyde. At a party one night, all of Eric’s suspicions are confirmed when the two become love-marked- an event that occurs when soulmates are ready to be together, resulting in a mark on the skin that bonds them together for life. The unlikely couple puzzle over how they could possibly be paired together as they struggle to understand each other.

This story is a WIP.

14k words, 4 chapters.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde. Eric/Donna

Where It Wasn’t Supposed To Be by moved-ao3

Jackie thinks it's a blessing, Hyde a curse. Set in an alternate universe where characters receive a list with their soulmate's worst qualities, Jackie and Hyde struggle to navigate their feelings for each other when everything else seems pitted against them.

Not complete, and it makes me want to cry, but it’s really good.

15k words, 5 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Also Available on AO3

One-shots:

all i need by orphan_account

"When he is six years old, the words 'Pudding Pop' appear on his wrist in the curliest, loopiest handwriting he's ever seen. There's even a little heart dotting the 'i'."

1k words.

The author didn’t rate this one, I would rate it as T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Blush by springsteenicious

On a person's eighteenth birthday, they swap bodies with their soulmate. Hyde doesn't have high hopes for his soulmate, but when he wakes up in a very pink room with posters and painted nails, his life is changed for the better.

4k words.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Also Available on AO3

I believe this is all!

I’ll repeat this at the end of every single post (seriously, I literally copy and paste this every single time): Speaking as someone who writes, it would be really cool if you guys decide to leave a review (or a comment, if the story is on AO3) in the stories you read, especially the unfinished ones. It really motivates the authors, and receiving a compliment is always a mood lifter. I’ve seen some authors updating stories after years because of nice reviews, so… yeah, this is just an idea.

Feel free to reply to this post if you think I left out a good story!

Next category: Christmas fics!

[zen3to5]

J/H 6-16: Man With Money

Continuing the trend of refocusing the arc kicked off by Jackie's mom to actually be about Jackie...

FF.Net AO3

***

SHOW TITLE   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT   A small section of the gang laze around – HYDE in his chair, DONNA on one end of the couch and FEZ on the other, KELSO in the lawn chair. Kelso and Fez are dressed rather “sporty” for just sitting around.   ERIC comes down the stairs, wearing an extremely ‘70s three-piece orange suit with a brown shirt and awful tie. He pauses at the landing and strikes a pose.   ERIC: Well? Is orange my color?   HYDE: If you’re planning on being ringmaster at the pumpkin patch carnival this Halloween.   Eric strolls down the rest of the way, sits next to Donna on the couch. He notices her and Hyde’s casual attire.   ERIC: You two aren’t dressing up? Come on – it’s a cocktail party.   DONNA: It’s your parents’ cocktail party. You’ve never even wanted to go to one before, let alone dress for it.   ERIC: Hey, I’m an engaged man, Donna, soon to be married. It’s time to start showing a little class and maturity at social events.   DONNA: You’re in that suit because my dad’s bringing Jackie’s mom, aren’t you?   ERIC: That might have something to do with it.   KELSO: Man, Pam Burkhart. One time, back when I was dating Jackie, Pam was trying to wash her car, right, and she leaned over and, like, squeezed out the sponge. That’s all I remember, ‘cause I rode my bike straight into a tree. She’s why I’m dressed up.   FEZ: Me too. She is like a glorious golden sun goddess looking for strapping young temple boys. Mexico was very good to her.   He, Kelso, and Eric all sigh and gaze dreamily up to the ceiling.   HYDE: Hey, can we shut up about Pam?   KELSO: Hyde, if you’ve got a better subject of conversation than the finest set of T and A on any of our moms, I don’t think I wanna hear it.   HYDE: Yeah, well, that great T and A are on a lousy mom who ditched their kid, and now that she’s back, Jackie’s a mess. There’s so much crying going on in my room, I’m gonna need a drainage pump or an Aqua-Lung.   KELSO: Oh, like in Creature from the Black Lagoon? The chick in that movie is pretty smokin’ too.   FEZ: (gasps) If you put her together with Mrs. Burkhart, you have the sun and water goddesses!   He, Kelso, and Eric look up and sigh again.   HYDE: I just need everyone to zip it about Pam before Jackie gets here.   DONNA: Yeah, and definitely don’t say anything about her mom dating my dad. Jackie doesn’t know yet, and we haven’t figured out how to tell her.   As Donna says the back half of that line, JACKIE comes down the stairs.   JACKIE: Tell me what?   She sits in Hyde’s lap and looks to Donna, expecting.   DONNA: Um... that Hyde signed you up for ballroom dance lessons.   JACKIE/HYDE: What?   They look to each other. Jackie is beaming; Hyde doesn’t know what the hell just happened.   JACKIE: I can’t believe you finally agreed to that!   HYDE: (glares at Donna) Neither can I.   KELSO: (laughing) Hyde in dance class?   HYDE: Man, you know why they call it a “ballroom?” ‘Cause that’s what they might as well cut off every man who sets foot in one.   JACKIE: Okay, I know I’m going to have to put up with a lot of complaining like that, but I’m finally going to have you out on the dance floor in a tuxedo, so I don’t care!   She throws her arms around his neck, kisses his cheek, and cuddles.   FEZ: (to Hyde) Why didn’t you start the lessons sooner so you could show them off at the cocktail party? You know Bob and Pam are going to strut their stuff as soon as the music comes on. We all heard about their date at the disco.   Jackie’s head snaps up.   JACKIE: My mom and Donna’s dad are dating?   She looks around the room; no one can meet her eyes except for Hyde, who gives a small, reluctant nod.   Jackie jumps out of Hyde’s lap and runs into his room.   HYDE: Jackie, wait!   He starts after her. He pauses long enough to lean over the back of the couch and point a threatening finger at Fez.   HYDE (cont’d): If I don’t drown, I’m kicking your ass!   He disappears into his room as Fez sinks down into the couch.

MAIN CREDITS   BUMPER   MUSIC NOTE: “Mack the Knife” performed by Louis Armstrong.   INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT   Cocktails with the Formans. It isn’t a large party – just a few older couples, spread out through the living room. “Mack the Knife” plays on the record player. RED, manning the home bar, even sings along. KITTY, fresh from the kitchen with a tray of hors d’oeuvres, sets it on the coffee table and half-walks, half-dances over to him.   RED: (singing) When the shark bites With his teeth, dear...   KITTY: Well, you’re awfully happy.   RED: I’m hittin’ the hard booze for the first time since the heart attack, Kitty. Life is worth living again. Plus, chances are everyone here’s getting hammered, so I get to have the cops tow everyone’s car.   The front door opens, and in walk BOB and PAM, hand-in-hand. Pam is overdressed in a rather scandalous gown. They head straight for the bar.   BOB: Hey, everybody. I brought a date! Look how tall she is. It’s like I’m dating the Statue of Liberty.   KITTY: Oh, Kitty, I just love coming over to your house. You have such unique tastes. It’s like being at a giant flea market. (taps the bar) Tequila Sunrise and keep ‘em coming, Red.   Red gives her a small smile, nods, and gets to work. Kitty eyes him; he should have made a sharp remark by now.   Eric strolls in from the kitchen, immediately crosses to Pam. Donna, with much less enthusiasm, is a few steps behind him.   ERIC: Mrs. Burkhart? That’s weird. Golly, I didn’t know you were dropping by.   DONNA: (to Eric) Yeah, you did. I told you she was. And you just said that’s why you were wearing your tacky, pumpkin-colored suit.   ERIC: I’m sorry, Donna. I think you’ve confused “tacky” with “handsome.” (to Pam) Which – I don’t mean to brag, but...   He laughs, strikes a pose, and leads her into the party, Bob in tow. They don’t get very far, however, before Kelso and Fez rush in from the kitchen.   KELSO: Where is she? What’s she wearing?   They join Bob and Eric in crowding around Pam, who seems a little too pleased with all the attention.   Donna shakes her head. Kitty taps on the bar.   KITTY: Tall Manhattan and keep ‘em coming, Red.   Red gives a curt nod, gets to work. Donna and Kitty watch as Pam sits down in Red’s chair and crosses her legs.   KITTY (cont’d): Oh, look at her. (to Red) Would you ever want me to show that much leg?   RED: Absolutely not.   KITTY: (beat) And why not?   RED: (frowns) You set me up.   Kitty just glares at him in reply. She snatches her finished drink from his hands and moves into the party. Red looks to Donna, as if for answers; she just shrugs.   Over at Red’s chair, the boys are at rapt attention as Pam shares a story.   PAM: So that’s when I realized that tapas sounds a lot like “topless.” But, I had already promised, so...   BOB: (to the boys) Ah, she’s got it all – looks and beauty.   ERIC: So, Mrs. Burkhart – have, um... have you ever seen The Graduate?   Before she can answer, Jackie and Hyde enter from the kitchen. Pam rises, crosses with Bob to meet them. The boys disperse into the party.   PAM: (to Jackie) Hi, honey. I was hoping you’d be here.   Jackie doesn’t so much as look at Pam. Instead, she turns to Hyde.   JACKIE: So Steven, I love that new figurine you got me for my birthday. It’s a unicorn, which is sweet, but you stole it out of a rich person’s yard, which is so foxy.   Pam, scandalized, gapes at Hyde; he just grins back.   BOB: Jackie, your mother’s talking to you.   Jackie doesn’t look at Bob either.   JACKIE: (to Hyde) Boy, I hope the Formans don’t need to call a repairman for their stove. I think I smell a gas leak.   She moves past Pam and Bob to get at the hors d’oeuvres on the coffee table.   HYDE: (to Pam & Bob) The silent treatment. I’m not usually on the outside watching it. That’s good stuff.   He moves past them to follow Jackie. They sit down next to each other on the couch and snack. Donna crosses to them, sits on the other side of Jackie.   DONNA: Okay, Jackie, I know that was a lousy way to find out your mom and my dad are dating, but you’re with me now in wanting them to stop seeing each other, right?   Jackie doesn’t answer or meet Donna’s eyes. Her snacking gets faster, the bites sharper. Hyde notices; Donna doesn’t.   DONNA (cont’d): You know my dad’s buying a hot tub now? With a euphoria jet? He said, (doing Bob) “I have all this extra money, and Pammy’s helping me spend some.” (normal voice) Well, “Pammy” sure doesn’t waste any time before she starts tapping the first national bank of “lonely rich guy.”   Jackie, still not looking up at Donna, snaps a toothpick in her hands.   HYDE: (warning) Donna...   DONNA: (to Jackie) God, why can’t my dad see that your mom is nothing but a tramp?   Jackie jumps to her feet.   JACKIE: Oh, you shut up about my mom! She should be going after a cool rich guy, like Jack Nicholson or a Bee Gee. Your Bob of a dad is lucky she settled for him as a meal ticket!   DONNA: Excuse me? You’re saying my dad’s not good enough?   JACKIE: Oh, so you see it too!   She turns heel and disappears back into the kitchen.   DONNA: (to Hyde) What the hell was that? She talks about what a gold digger her mom is all the time!   HYDE: (stands) Hey, Donna, you know how Jackie just told you to shut up?   DONNA: Yeah...   HYDE: Shut up!   He follows after Jackie. Donna shakes her head and throws her hands up.   At the front of the room, Fez and Kelso try to make their way to the kitchen door with a bottle of gin tucked into Kelso’s blazer. Kitty intercepts them at Red’s chair.   KITTY: Oh, I cannot believe you kids! Trying to sneak off with my good gin.   She takes the bottle and starts for the bar.   KELSO: (to Fez) Yeah, I shoulda known. She can smell booze from a mile away.   He isn’t as quiet as he thinks; Kitty turns around, and Red comes over from the bar.   KITTY: Excuse me?   KELSO: Oh... I said, “you smell like booze from a mile away.”   RED: That’s worse, dumbass.   Fez tugs on Kelso’s sleeve, and they vanish into the kitchen.   Kitty and Red return to the bar, where Pam and Bob are waiting.   PAM: Oh, what a lovely evening. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear I was with rich people.   RED: (to Pam) Want another drink?   He takes out two glasses. Kitty puts one of them away.   KITTY: Honey, you shouldn’t be drinking. You have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. (to Pam) He has a heart condition. He’s very old.   RED: (to Kitty) You mean I have to stand here making drinks for these freeloaders when I can’t touch the stuff myself? That’s it – I’m calling the cops. Everyone’s getting towed.   He steps out from behind the bar and moves for the phone.   BUMPER   EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY   The next morning. The Toyota rests in the drive. Red and Kitty step out. Red has a large HEART MONITOR strapped to his right arm.   RED: I don’t care what that doctor says. I’m not wearing this stupid heart monitor. It makes me look like a damn robot.   KITTY: Red, I'm sure you won't even know it's there. It'll only beep if your heart rate goes above normal, like when you get agitated or excited or extra angry or extra happy.   She gives him a playful poke in the arm.   KITTY (cont’d): Putting my money on extra angry.   Red grunts, opens up the trunk.   RED: I bet the damn thing doesn't even work.   He and Kitty gather up grocery bags as they continue talking.   KITTY: You know what, Red? Your attitude stinks. You wouldn't be in this mess if you'd just listened to me in the first place.   RED: Kitty...   KITTY: I told you to eat more fiber in the mornings. I told you to exercise. I even told you to wear more comfortable shoes for circulation. Did you listen? No. So I guess I'm just gonna keep telling you and telling you and telling you –   The heart monitor lets out a quick series of loud beats.   RED: What do you know? It does work.   He slams the lid down on the trunk and heads inside.   BUMPER   EXT. PINCIOTTI BACKYARD – DAY   A freshly acquired item takes up most of the backyard space: A HOT TUB, up and running even in winter. Kelso enjoys a good soak in the dub, while Eric, Hyde, and Jackie sit on the lawn bench.   KELSO: Hey, I can't believe you guys aren't in Bob's hot tub. You know, I feel like Warren Beatty in a movie about a hot tub. He's, like, hot tubbin', then, like... other stuff happens.   ERIC: Kelso, just so you know, Bob was in there an hour ago, so you are, like, covered in hot, bubbly Bob.   Kelso considers for a moment, then shrugs, “I’m good with that.”   Donna comes out from the kitchen, freezes mid-step when she sees Jackie.   DONNA:  Well, well. If it isn’t little miss junior prospector. Apparently my dad’s not good enough for your mom to dig her claws into, but it’s fine for her to leave her little cuckoo bird here to steal room and food.   JACKIE: Look, Donna –   DONNA: No, okay? You’re the one who’s been saying ever since your mom got back that she’s just here to find another free ride, and I’m not gonna let her do that to my dad. I just need to show him what a big mistake this is.   KELSO: “Big mistake?” Bob is Bob, and he’s getting me-quality girls. He’s living life, Kelso style. How can you wanna take that away from your dad, Donna?   ERIC: I’m with Kelso on this one. Bob needs to love that woman for all she’s worth.   DONNA: Eric!   ERIC: What, what are you gonna do, cut me off from sex again?   DONNA: (to Jackie) She’s making my dad take her out on all these expensive dates, they’re buying stupid crap like this hot tub -   KELSO: “Stupid?” There’s snow on the grown, and I’m, like, a million degrees in this thing. And with this euphoria jet, all of Fez’s “needs” problems are ancient history.   Everyone but Kelso shivers a little at the thought.   DONNA: (to Jackie) Your mom’s doing everything you said she’d do, and she’s doing it to my dad, who’s never been anything but nice to you, and who took you in when your mom ran off and you had no place to go.   JACKIE: (stands) God, Donna, I am so sick of hearing about this! You know, I’m not any happier than you are that they’re together.   DONNA: Then why are you sticking up for your mom all of a sudden?   JACKIE:  I’m not sticking up for her, okay? It’s just... it’s just...   She shifts on her feet, looks around; if she even knows or understands the real answer, she doesn’t want to say it.   JACKIE (cont’d): How can a beautiful woman like my mom be going out with a great, big mayonnaise lover like your dad? This morning, at breakfast, your dad burped right in front of my mom, and she laughed, Donna. Laughed! Okay, we’re Burkharts. We don’t burp, and we don’t tolerate people who do.   DONNA: God, Jackie, you can be such an ungrateful little bitch.   Jackie recoils at the words. Her eyes turn wet and glassy. She runs around the house and out of the yard.   HYDE: Well, there goes the rest of my day. Way to go, Donna.   He stands, starts to follow Jackie.   KELSO: (to Hyde) Hey, before you go, can you hand me my clothes? I’m all done peeing.   He points to the shirt and pants folded by the base of the hot tub.   HYDE: Kelso, are you naked?   KELSO: (beat) No. Eric, could you hand me my clothes, please?   ERIC: (stands) I'm sorry, buddy. I can't hear you over the hot tub. Did you hear him, Hyde?   HYDE: I think so. I think he said to take his clothes and run away.   ERIC: Oh!   Hyde nabs Kelso’s clothes, and he and Eric take off around the house.   KELSO: Guys - guys, come back!   No good; he’s trapped in the tub.   KELSO (cont’d): (to Donna) Well, looks like I'm gonna have to be nude in front of you, and that's kind of awkward. So, I think you should nude up.   Donna heads back inside.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY   Lunchtime. Red reads the newspaper at the kitchen table as Kitty prepares a plate for him and brings it over.   KITTY: Okay, good news, Red. I made your favorite lunch - lasagna!   She hands him the plate, he takes it.   RED: Thanks.   KITTY: “Thanks?” Aren't you excited? Let's hear that monitor!   RED: So every time you do something nice for me, I'm supposed to have a heart attack?   KITTY: Well, no, not an attack. Just a little episode. (laughs) I mean, what does it take to get that beeper going?   Bob and Pam enter through the patio door.   PAM: Hi, Red.   Red’s heart monitor sounds off.   RED: (to Kitty) Wow, that must be the lasagna kicking in.   He makes a show of taking a hearty bite.   FADE TO BLACK   COMMERCIAL   BUMPER   INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – DAY   A short time later. Kitty sits in the middle of the couch, arms tightly crossed, while Red sits uncomfortably in his chair.   RED: Hey, what do you say we have some more of that lasagna? Boy, was that delicious.   Out of the corner of his mouth, he makes a beeping noise. He points to his heart monitor and pulls a “look at that!” face.   KITTY: Oh, can it, Red. When Pam showed up, your heart monitor went off like a freaking slot machine.   RED: Pam had nothing to do with that thing going off, dammit!   KITTY: Oh, and look at us now. We're arguing. Can't even get a beep out of you.   The kitchen door swings open. Kelso marches in, naked except for a garden hose wrapped around his naughty place.   KELSO: Your son is a jerk.   He heads up the stairs. Red and Kitty share a look; Red shrugs.   CUT TO:   EXT. PINCIOTTI BACKYARD – DAY   Immediately following. Bob and Pam enjoy a nice soak. Red and Kitty come around the house, mid-argument.   RED: Okay, come on. I am gonna prove to you that I am not attracted to Pam.   They step up to the tub.   PAM: Hey, guys.   Red’s heart monitor goes off. Kitty looks up and glowers at Red.   RED: (to Kitty) I think I'm having a war flashback. I'm messed up, Kitty. I'm real messed up.   He turns around and hurries out of the yard.   CUT TO:   INT. HYDE’S BEDROOM – DAY   Hyde, sans shades, and Jackie lie in bed, the goose down duvet pulled around them. Jackie’s head rests against Hyde’s shoulders as he holds her and she holds SCHATZI.   JACKIE: How could Donna say that I’m ungrateful? When I threw out all her old lumberjack shirts and replaced them with blouses and peplum tops last Christmas, I made sure all of them were in her giant size. And who keeps leaving business cards for real hair stylists on Bob’s car? That’s all me. Not Donna – me!   HYDE: You did kind of go off on Bob and do a 180 about your mom once you found out they were dating.   JACKIE: Steven, when a girlfriend is upset, it’s your job as the boyfriend to nod along and agree, not tell her the truth! Look, Donna doesn’t know my mom. It’s not her place to say those things. Of course, everyone can see how unnatural it is for someone like my mom to be with Bob. She’s rich and classy, and he’s all corny and cheesy. He’s like nachos.   HYDE: Well, that explains how he scored your mom. She’ll touch anything from Mexico.   Jackie gives him a halfhearted swat to the chest.   HYDE (cont’d): Come on, Jackie. Donna’s just worried about her dad.   JACKIE: Look, I know, okay? And she’s right. Well, probably right. It’s just... I don’t know. When I heard the things she was saying about my mom, I just... I felt like...   HYDE: Like you had to stick up for her ‘cause she’s family, even if you should be helping out the other guy?   He gives Jackie a knowing look. She reaches up, cups his cheek with her hand.   JACKIE: Oh, Steven. You know, our moms are like miniskirts that look great on the mannequin, but as soon as you try them on, they’re totally trashy and ruin your whole image. But you can’t take a mom back to the store to trade in for something better in a designer brand.   She turns her head into his shoulder, and Hyde pulls her in closer. He does his best to not pull away when Schatzi starts sniffing in his ear.   CUT TO:   INT. HUB - DAY   A typical afternoon. Eric, Donna, and Fez have claimed the wall table, Eric and Donna in the booth seat and Fez across from them. Food baskets and soda bottles adorn the table.   DONNA: (to Eric) I cannot believe you think my dad should stay with Pam. She doesn't even like you. She told my dad you groped her at the party. ERIC: Okay, look, Donna, you and Pam obviously have some serious issues. I think you two should work them out with a good old-fashioned pillow fight.   Donna swats his chest and rolls her eyes. FEZ: What's the big deal? Bob and Pam are adults who want to do what comes naturally to everybody except me. So I say, why can't I get any?   DONNA: (to Eric) You know, Pam wants to be with my dad now, but what happens when someone else comes along? I wouldn't care so much if I could just, you know, test her with a hotter guy and see if she falls for him.   ERIC: Because I love you, I'll do it.   He starts to stand, but Donna pulls him back down.   DONNA: No, it has to be someone her type. And, going off all her stories about her time in Mexico, she has a weakness for young, dark-skinned guys.   She and Eric both look at Fez, who’s slow to realize he’s pulled attention.   FEZ: (shrugs) I guess I can ask around.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY   Kitty is at the stove. She pulls out an angel cake and sets it on the stovetop as Red walks in from the living room.   RED: Mmm, that smells delicious. What is it?   Kitty refuses to look at them as she sprinkles sugar over the cake.   KITTY: It's not for you. You can go look for scraps around the neighborhood like the rest of the dogs.   RED: Kitty, for the last time, I am not attracted to Pam. In all the years we’ve been together, you know my heart has never raced at the sight of any woman but you.   KITTY: Well, your cardiac jukebox there says otherwise!   RED: (points at monitor) I knew this damn thing wouldn’t work. I’m telling you, that floozy lush had nothing to do with it going off!   The patio door opens, and Pam enters.   PAM: Hi, Kitty. Hi, Red. I thought we'd come over and see if you two wanted to catch a movie.   Red and Kitty look from Pam to the monitor and back to Pam. Red holds the monitor up to his ear to check the sound; nothing happens.   PAM (cont’d): Why are you staring? Too pretty for Wisconsin? I get that a lot.   KITTY: (to Red) You shut it off, didn't you?   RED: No, I did not shut it off!   Bob enters.   BOB: Let's hustle it up. I don't want to sit behind people with hats.   The heart monitor goes off. Red shuts it off.   RED: (to Kitty) Ha! Look at that, nosey! It's not Pam. It's Bob, because he annoys me.   BOB: That's true. I do.   PAM: What are you guys talking about?   KITTY: Um... (laughs) (to Pam) I, um... I-I-I sort of thought that Red had a crush on you.   PAM: Oh, Kitty, I'm sorry. This face can bring as much trouble as it does joy.   RED: Well, Kitty, what do you have to say for yourself?   KITTY: It's the menopause. I'm messed up, Red. I'm real messed up.   She hurries into the living room.   BUMPER   EXT. PINCIOTTI BACKYARD – DAY   Some time later, post-movie. Fez, in an outfit straight from the tackiest of ‘70s pool boy pornos, sweeps the hot tub with a net. His ass is stuck out to pull focus, which it does when Pam steps out from the kitchen.   PAM: Um, hello?   Fez makes a dramatic turn to look at her.   PAM (cont’d): What are you doing?   FEZ: I was hired to clean the hot tub. But you should know that I perform... other services, too.   He lowers one strap of his tank top. Ignoring that, Pam crosses to inspect the hot tub.   PAM: Well, you could start by doing a better job. It's still dirty.   FEZ: So, you like it dirty?   PAM: No, I want it clean.   FEZ: So, you like it filthy?   PAM: Bob!   FEZ: Whoa, I'm not into that!   He throws up his hands as Pam shakes her head.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY   Eric and Donna are relaxing on the couch. Donna has a diving mask and snorkel in her hands that she fiddles with.   Kelso comes running down the stairs wearing Eric’s clothes.   KELSO: Hey, Eric, that was a good burn, stealing my clothes. But the laugh's on you, 'cause I borrowed your pants, and I'm not wearing any underwear.   He makes a show of wiggling his butt around in Eric’s pants.   ERIC: Kelso, just so you know, the last time I wore those pants, I wasn't wearing any underwear.   KELSO: Ouch. Well played.   He gives Eric a nod, then crosses to sit on the dryer.   The basement door opens. A frowning Bob enters, holding Fez by the back of the neck.   BOB: (to Donna) Did you tell Fez to make a move on Pam? 'Cause if you didn't, I'm gonna box him up and send him back to banana town.   FEZ: (to Bob) Okay, I'm sick of those comments. I don't say I'm gonna send you back to polyester town.   Donna stands, crosses to Bob. At the same time, Jackie and Hyde enter from Hyde’s room. Jackie beats Donna over to Bob.   JACKIE: Mr. Pinciotti, good, I thought that was you. Look, you need to break up with my mom. You’re too good for her.   DONNA: Oh, here we go. You know, you’ve got some nerve, Burkhart – wait, what?   BOB: What?   ERIC/KELSO/FEZ: What?   JACKIE: Mr. Pinciotti, you’re a wonderful guy with a huge heart. You’re like a cute, fuzzy, slightly gassy panda bear. And my mom is a beautiful blonde tiger who goes around looking for panda bears to rip open to get at the money inside.   FEZ: Wait, I’m confused. Is Bob a panda bear or a pinata? (Gasps) Or a panda pinata! (to the guys) If you bastards don’t have a panda pinata for my birthday, there will be no cake for any of you!   JACKIE: (to Bob) I’ve said some awful things about you over the last few days, and I know I haven’t always been as grateful as I should be, but I really appreciate all you’ve done since my mom left me. And I know my mom, and I don’t want to see her hurt you like she hurt me. And I know Donna feels the same way.   DONNA: Thank you, Jackie. And I’m sorry.   She puts an arm around Jackie’s shoulders.   DONNA (cont’d): And Dad, I’m sorry about Fez, but it was the only thing I could think of to prove that Pam doesn’t... you know, really care about you.   BOB: Well, guess what? She does really care about me, so I don’t want any more of these little games. (to Jackie) Now, Jackie, I appreciate your concern, and I’m sorry you feel that way about your mom, but she and I make each other happy. You and Donna better accept it soon, 'cause she's here to stay.   JACKIE: But Mr. Pinciotti –   BOB: I’m sorry, but I don’t wanna talk about it anymore. This is the way it’s gonna be. In fact – Pam and me talked after the movies, and she’s moving in.   JACKIE: Wait, what?   DONNA: What?   ERIC/HYDE/KELSO/FEZ: What?   JACKIE: No, no, no. Mr. Pinciotti, my mom can’t move in with us.   BOB: She can and she is. End of discussion.   JACKIE: No, because... because if my mom’s moving in, then I’m moving out.   She gets out from under Donna’s arm and runs back into Hyde’s room.   Hyde takes the snorkel mask from Donna.   HYDE: I’m gonna need this. (to Bob, doing Bob) “Way to go there, Bob.”   Shaking his head, he goes back to his room.   FADE TO BLACK   CREDITS   INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT   Much later, well into night. Hyde and Jackie sit together on the couch, Jackie holding Schatzi.   HYDE: (to Jackie) Roy said you can get a room at the hotel where we work, but it’ll be a few days before you can move in. You sure you wanna do this?   JACKIE: I’m sure, Steven. I can’t be under the same roof as my mom right now.   She leans into Hyde, who puts an arm around her shoulders.   They both look up to the ceiling as a faint beeping sound echoes down from upstairs.   JACKIE: What’s that noise?   HYDE: It’s Red’s heart monitor.   JACKIE: Where’s Mrs. Forman?   HYDE: She’s with him.   The thought hits them both at the same time. Jackie screams, drops Schatzi onto the seat next to her, and clings to Hyde. He pats her arm even as he looks up again and snickers.   END.

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