#due to my poor memory honestly) and i don't fault people for that

[s-zephyr]

i know that people often make light of adhd and anxiety and whatnot but my relationships have absolutely been affected by it, so here's my contribution

i have inattentive adhd where im so creative :) but i never experience heightened emotions or act impulsively :) and im never late because im perfect at estimating exactly how long everything takes and i never mishear you due to poor audio processing and short term memory :)

i have anxiety where i make things that look perfect because i pay rigorous attention to detail :) and i make sure everyone has a fun time at social events and try to be as nice to everyone as i can :) and i never get scared that people hate me or fixate on things i have done wrong, will do wrong, or am presently potentially doing wrong i have trauma so im complicated and interesting with lore and a tragic backstory :) but i never get triggered by social situations and overreact to situations that would not bother others in unexpected ways :)

i don't experience any of the disordered symptoms of mental disorders because im a good person :) and anyone who experiences those things is a bad person who doesn't deserve grace, understanding, and kindness :) society knows this

i have tourettes where I say sudden funny things but never any slurs because I am good boy 😇 I have OCD but not the one that makes me really concerned about piss and shit but the movie one that makes me line things up properly nice and neat because I am a good boy 😇 I have bipolar but not the one that makes me act embarrassingly in public because I am on the highest point of a downward curving emotional pendulum swing, but the one that makes me creative af via safely utilizing my tendency towards extreme emotions in my art (because I am a good boy 😇) I have autism but it's the one like from the movies where I'm good at math or being a detective, and not the one that makes other people hate me so bad they want to kill me because I am annoying to them. because I am a good boy 😇 I have schizophrenia too but I also don't, because somehow in the cultural lexicon no one who has schizophrenia is a good boy and there is rarely a stylistic bullshit depiction of the condition, but I'm still a good boy 😇 society knows this. society knows this.

[thelovelymissbigbadwolf]

I guess some of you must've heard about what's happening on Rio Grande do Sul. Or if not, I wanted to try to spread awareness.

Basically in the last week or so, we've been hit by a intense flooding that not only flooded everywhere, but destroyed entire cities in the process.

Eldorado do Sul is underwater. An entire city UNDERWATER.

Half of Canoas is flooded, covering entire buildings.

I live in the capital, Porto Alegre. I'm one of the lucky few to not have been affected by the rain, we just don't have clean water here.

But entire districts are flooded, Sarandi had to be evacuated due to the rising waters.

The measurement system we use to measure Rio Guaíba is a physical one, a vertical ruler that goes up to 3 meters. It's underwater, as the waters are about 5 meters.

We have so far about 78 deaths confirmed, though I doubt this is the total amount. There's over 60 people disappeared. Over 5000 affected by the rains. But honestly, I just know it's a much higher number in reality.

I don't know any donation links nor do I even know how international donations work, if anyone knows, please reblog and spread awareness of what's happening.

Our governor had a year to prepare and he did nothing.

If you need more to sympathize with this post, I'll share stories I heard on TikTok from people on the front line, both volunteers and victims.

A man was rescuing three children and one of them asked him to retrieve a floating doll they saw. When the man retrieved said doll... It wasn't a doll, but a baby. A baby that had died on the flood.

There's an audio of a family screaming desperately for help, quote: "The smell is too strong", a young voice said, "It's leaking gas," an adult added.

A woman waited for rescue for over 40 hours for someone that could rescue not only her, but her many pets. Around 27 cats and dogs, I'm not sure if she had other pets.

Close friends woke up late in the night to go to Eldorado do Sul to rescue family members before ir flooded entirely, they are currently doing fine as far as I know.

A man had found his best friend's dog and can be heard sending an audio to his wife, saying he found the dog... But lies the question of where his friend is.

A mother cried saying "My daughters are stuck there, I gotta get them out of there" while being interviewed.

Those are the ones I could quote from memory, I'm sleep deprived at the moment.

The airport of Salgado Filho here in Porto Alegre is flooded.

One of the biggest supermarkets here is called Havan and it's a massive one... Water is reaching the rooftops.

A hospital had to be evacuated, saving about 240 patients, doctors and nurses on shift had to be taken to work on a military car.

This Sunday, Brasil's president came to talk of the situation, promising to help.

Even with the disaster happening, the news still make sure to give space for Madonna's concert, while Rio Grande do Sul suffered with its most historical flood since 1941. It's not Madonna's fault by a mile, but the problem is that they basically said "it's very sad, but we can't forget about Madonna", though they could've mentioned before the tragedy, as it seemed a very poor choice of placing of news.

Madonna donated 10 million reais to help Rio Grande do Sul.

99Pop is giving free rides for the blood donation bank.

One of my boyfriend's coworkers won't be able to get to work due to roads outside of Porto Alegre being blocked, one even was destroyed.

People who have beach houses were instructed to go there and take refuge for a while, as there are many beaches such as Cidreira and Xangrilá that are salt water, but Tapes is a river beach, according to my cousin it wasn't so bad, but we're still keeping an eye for news as her grandmother lives there.

I have relatives in Barra do Ribeiro, but haven't heard from them, but the city is said to have been flooded as well, though I don't know to what levels.

Cars have been entirely swallowed by water and a school bus WITH STUDENTS was seen afloat.

Many animals have been affected as well, one case that infuriated everyone was of a dog that was left behind by its owner, not only on a leash but with TWO padlocks in it. One on the collar and one to the wall. The animal did not survive, the poor thing.

Civil defense and others are working hard on rescuing victims along with volunteers of all places, other states are helping as well, I think it was Minas Gerais who was said to have sent professional firemen trained to deal with catastrophes to come and help.

Water advanced to Menino Deus a few hours ago, though I haven't seen reports on it other than a warning from a official page.

Remembering, I'm from Porto Alegre, I don't have many info on other cities other than the most spread news and reports from victims and volunteers. Though I'm trying to keep up to as many as I can.

Finally rain has stopped, but we don't know for how long and neither do we know for how long Guaíba will stay like this and even if it'll go down anytime soon. I fear it going to connecting rivers, since there's a large watershed I think it's the term.

I'm not very knowledgeable on the subject, I just hope to help with what I have. Here's a map of the flooding so far in my town.

It's zoomed out to get the full extent, but you can see entire districts flooded.

My English isn't perfect, but I hope I could explain it well enough. Send prayers for everyone who suffered with this. Feel free to reblog if you have more info.

[whipplefilter]

WWT (St. Louis) 2024

I usually meal prep during races, out of time necessity more than anything. Which is a mixed bag; it keeps me company during this task, but because my memory for these races is SO ABYSMALLY POOR (despite writing these posts! which was supposed to help!) I feel like I need to pay more attention to the race to get the full effect, so the multi-tasking is not great.

On the other hand, though, even if the race don't got me, my plate got me; even if the race doesn't go to plan, I still get food out of the deal. And the meal prep went well today. For the first time in my entire life I cooked asparagus that did NOT fail horribly! I've cooked some absolutely garbage asparagus in my time on this planet.

But onto the race. I actually have notes for this one, because I was livetexting it for @the-kings-tail-fin. Today's standout elements:

Oh, the Kyles: The Kyles got into the wall together, which I thought was KL's fault, but I think was actually a matter of KyBu's temper more than anything. The 5 tapped the 8, which riled the 8; the 8 pinched the 5 and the 5 got loose and floated up into the 8, putting them both into the wall. The 8 DNF'd after this contact and the 5 continued, somehow salvaging a P10 finish.

Longpitting: I consider Brad king of the off-strategy and the longpit, but lots of people were trying it today, even though in the final 35 it panned out for no one. Cliff originally had the 5 on the same race strategy as Blaney, but had to adjust course after the wall contact, which makes me wonder if he would've run out of fuel, too, and actually finished higher due to hitting KyBu and the wall than he would've if he hadn't?

NASCARs Playing Through the Pain: Speaking of damage begetting benefits, an above average number of cars salvaged good finishes despite poor health. Chase was in the wall early and according to him had a bent tie rod, but was the highest-running HMS car for most of the race, and ended up with a decent finish, given that tie rods feel like the most common kiss of death for the Next-Gen car. After an aggressive and impressive battle between Blaney and Bell for the lead, Bell's engine started blowing up, but with the help of teammate MTJ (3 laps down) pushing him, managed to salvage a really good finish for a car that was so far off the pace under his own power.

BLANEY: After Bell's demise, Blaney was leading handsomely by 2 seconds and it seemed done and dusted--until the white flag, one to go. And then he... RAN OUT OF FUEL??? RAN OUT OF FUEL ON THE LAST LAP. ENDED UP P24 INSTEAD. THE MOST BLANEY THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO HIM. And it didn't seem like the 12 team had any inkling they were at risk of this?

This season has had some of the most bananas finishes, honestly. What. What.

HMS ran on either end of average all day, finishing P10 - KL / P13 - Chase / P15 - WB / P28 - Bowman. Cindric was the last lap winner, profiting from Blaney having a peak Blaney day, and launching himself into the Playoffs from P20 in the points (currently knocking out Buescher, I believe, which is honestly a peak Buescher Experience, too).

[accidentallyadramablog]

Review: Down With Love (2010)

I felt a little nostalgic this week and decided to rewatch Down With Love, a romcom out of Taiwan featuring Ella Chen (from Hana Kimi) and Jerry Yan (Meteor Garden).

This is more of a brain dump as opposed to a real review. More below the cut.

Let me just start with the fact I love dramas with tomboys, gender benders, and gender non-conforming women and girls in general. I'm a 40 yr old gnc bi-woman, so some of these storylines really resonate with me - despite the trend of making those female characters glaringly stupid and pitiable.

Tags: Nanny, Love Square, Tomboy, Male Chases Female First, Sismance, Rich Man/Poor Woman, Pretends To Be Gay, Single Parent, Sisterhood, Boss/Employee Relationship

Our girl Ella Chen plays tomboy Yang Guo. Yang Guo works, has friends, and a shitty boyfriend of 5 years. She acts naïve, but she actually has a lot of life experience due to a *tragic backstory*. After her mother died, her father ruined the family business. Their family plunged from riches to rags and their father abandoned them. Yang Guo is 6 when this happens and it falls on her older sister Yang Duo to raise them both while homeless, starving, and navigating the homeless camps in the parks of Taipei.

Yang Duo (Kelly Huang) has raised her little sister by herself, beginning from poverty and homelessness to having a house and making a life for themselves. They bicker good-naturedly, but Yang Duo is very protective and supportive of her sister. She's managed to earn a job at a prestigious law firm as an admin assistant with strong accounting skills. She is seen as frugal, clever, and competent. Several characters make comments throughout the series about how it was a shame that she didn't go into certain careers because she's so accomplished despite not having a formal education. It's obvious that Yang Duo has put her own dreams and happiness on hold to make sure that she and Guo have financial security. Yang Duo is my favorite character btw. She is a supporting character that is multi-faceted and has her own character arc. I really like seeing her growth in this drama, and she gets some cute side couple action later in the series. Skip the last episode.

Due to growing up in poverty and scrabbling to lower-middle-class, the two girls work nonstop. After Guo is fired from her job waiting tables, Duo gets Guo a job as a nanny for her boss Xiang Yu Ping by lying and saying Guo is a lesbian.

Xiang Yu Ping (Jerry Yan) owns his own law firm and is seen as cold and overbearing. He is raising his dead brother's kids and none of the nannies he's hired have lasted either due to being chased off by the kids (a la the Sound of Music) or by trying to seduce him because he's a rich handsome lawyer. Relieved to have found a nanny who definitely wouldn't seduce him (because he thinks she's a lesbian), he just pays an unreasonably huge salary to keep her there with the kids despite their abuse.

Supporting characters: Amanda Chu as the best friend Yan Ling with the messy dating life is also delightful, but I've enjoyed all her roles. I may rewatch Lion Pride for her, now that I'm walking down memory lane. The office of 'just some lawyer dudes being dudes' are funny. I love when they gather around to watch drama and place bets on what's happening. They're also slackers. I would love/hate to work with them.

So that's the setup.

Honestly, I hate the 'pretends to be gay' plots. It's typically really offensive and this was no exception in a lot of places. (It's not at the same level as Personal Taste, but it's bad.) One of the cases Yu Ping takes on is unlawful termination and blackmail of a gay teacher and he asks for Yang Guo's advice to help the man. Taiwan was trying in 2010, but it wasn't exactly good representation to have a fake lesbian help an actual gay man faced with employment discrimination and blackmail over his orientation. When I compare this with Love is Science (2021 twdrama) that has two out lgbt characters employed in their office with significant roles, I'm just so happy that lgbtq media representation is still progressing.

I don't care about Yu Ping's best friend Qi Ke Zhong or Yu Ping's ex-girlfriend Ding Hui Fan because they're both terrible people that don't deserve forgiveness and their only purpose was to drag out our leads getting together. Since this was a rewatch, I knew how much I hated their scenes and skipped them as much as I could. You're not missing anything. Someone on YT needs to just make a Yang Duo/Xiang Yu Ping cut, tbh. Also? Go ahead and skip the deadbeat father.

The nanny bit only lasts three episodes (the kids are adorable), but it's long enough for Yu Ping to catch feelings and think his lesbian nanny is cute. He actually is not cold and overbearing as episode 1 makes him out to be. Yu Ping is supportive and tries to be a good friend to Guo. When he thinks her 'girlfriend' is cheating on her, he absolutely flips out because he feels she deserves to be respected and loved in her relationship. He learns about her family. He learns about her friends. He knows where to look for her when she's upset. He knows how to cheer her up and later, he knows how to make the perfect date. When he finds out she lied about being a lesbian, he's not even mad. He admits it was his fault for making certain demands in the employment contract. He's just upset that he's lost chances to flirt and court her.

Listen. It's a dumb premise in this drama and the misunderstandings suck. But it's so refreshing to see male leads be decent to women that are romantically and sexually unavailable to them. The bar is so low, in RL and in dramas, that Yu Ping belongs in the top tier of male drama leads. This dude was just going to continue in a supportive friendship for an undetermined time, both when he thought she was a lesbian and later when his shitty weasel of a best friend dated her under false pretenses. He didn't burden her with a confession until her relationship was over. And whenever she asked for space, he gave it to her. And when she confronted him on instances of jealously, he apologized and gave her space.

Yu Ping never tries to change Guo. He doesn't give her a makeover. She has a makeover scene that is instigated by another character and all he does is try to make her comfortable when she's so obviously uncomfortable. Then he cheers inwardly when he sees her overcome her awkwardness and have confidence. But by the end of the drama, she is still dressing and acting the same as in act 1. It honestly reminded me a little of Coffee Prince in that the fancy male lead is still just as enamored with his gnc woman by the end and the way she presents herself doesn't have an effect on their romantic relationship. Again, this is content catered to me as a bi & gnc woman in a relationship with a cis-het man. I often am mistaken for a man when I go out with my spouse and he's still super into me so let's normalize gnc people with gc people already it's 2021.

Anyway, if you watch romances for kisses, there's really only a couple of pecks and one nice passionate kiss and they're all in basically the last 3 eps of the series.

The last episode sucks. Stop at episode 15. Seriously. Don't watch episode 16. Why oh why do you let terrible people back in your life? Qi Ke Zhong and Ding Hui Fan are toxic and should but cut out of their lives. The end of ep 15 had a happy ending with a family-style breakfast for our two sisters with their boyfriends. Ep 16 threw in some more misunderstanding, jealousy, and separations followed by a time skip for no reason and brought back my two least favorite characters.

Anyway, I will live in my little world with Yang Duo and her sweet lawyer boyfriend Liang Zhi Hao (Ian Yim/Cyran Yan/Yan Yi En yeah, this actor has three stage names) that supports her interests and self-determination while they save money on mass transit by using his motorbike. And they build her dream home that she designs. Perhaps they put aside funds for her to pursue a degree in what she's passionate about.

[kncrowder88]

I want to talk on the Lily one. Largely because I haven't gotten to the point where I feel like people forgot her story in all this. Doesn't that make her statements okay, no. But neither did Severus' story make calling her a slur okay. They are children, they are learning, they are failing to communicate with each other, and they made mistakes.

We are first introduced to Lily in the story by Minerva. And it's only a mention. In the first chapter of the first book is "Lily and James". Even Hagrid lists them that way. As the story goes on we .... stop really learning much more about Lily beyond Petunia's sister and parents okay with a witch in the family. James becomes the one we learn of. We rarely learned of Lily, maybe the occasional "she was kind" "have your mother's eyes" but .... the most we ever get of Lily is when we see Sev memories.

And the first one we see is the lake incident, which ... shows us James treatment towards her as well. He offers her a deal: date him he won't hurt Severus. When she refused and continues to tell them to leave Severus alone - yes she has her wand out but not a valid reason for any of the Marauders behavior - James makes a "don't make me hex you" threat. As if her defending another student - we aren't told best friends yet - and him hurting her for it would be her fault.

This is fifth year. The "prank" mind you has already happened. Lily, despite the above. She and Sev fought over their housemates - that fight clearly wasn't the first time. The thing people seem to forget is .... Lily is being just as turned against things as Sev is. And while we can manage to accept and adore Sev, because we see his adult self, I keep seeing a growing dislike forming for Lily because ... she lived with both of their abusers?

And yes, abuser. That lake scene is 5th year. James was comfortable attempting a public bargain with her and threatening to hex her. Not one person from her own house - her friends were right there - nor the Marauders called him out for it. Everyone heard him attempt to trap her into dates and then threaten her harm - when she wouldn't do what he wanted (stand down and let him hurt Severus, or you know say yes to a date as a means to convince him to 'stop' we know he doesn't even later so he wouldn't have).

Severus spent his days bullied by the Marauders and nights being indoctrinated by Slytherins (arguably also by day).

Lily .... Lily spent her day being tormented and targeted by James, told by her fellow students the evil of Slytherin (and by extension Severus), and her nights .... oh yeah all this too. She didn't get her nights away from the Marauders and those telling her how horrible her best friend was. And this is the girl who already lost her sister due to who she was.

We don't see Lily's memories. But we do see two kids, from poor background (same neighborhood, Sev is just lesser off), and family troubles (yes Sev is worse this isn't a comparison) going to school to have their housemates demand their bestie is beneath them. And both be tormented by the same person .... only Lily had to live with that tormentor. And I highly doubt James and Sirius were giving her 100% honesty when it comes to certain things. James didn't stroll up all "Your best friend listen to my idiot best friend and tried to face Remus in wolf form" .... no all of Gryffindor would have heard (the entire school honestly) how poor Sev ran off at night and James noticed and kept him from injury or whatever version of the lie formed.

Lily after 5 years of constantly being manipulated, harassed, and tormented. On top of reaching a point with her best friend where neither can fully manage to communicate their lives (Sev isn't sharing all he faces, she clearly isn't showing hers "I know James is an arrogant toerag") nor fully address what is going on. And when she loses Sev - her last true connection to childhood and home - she becomes fully entrapped into the manipulations and mechanitions going on around her.

Yes, I know, JKR wants to claim that James/Lily is some end all be all romance. But when you take out authors input and just look at the evidence from the writing .... Sirius and Remus are biased about James. And even they talk about James not stopping with Sev and lying to Lily about that when they do begin to date. Claim she came around to him later and all that. James was that weird combination of popular and school bully ... in the popular house. Lily was stuck with him. With friends that likely adored him, in a world that honestly viewed much of his behavior as fine. Because he didn't use "dark" magic, and she's being warped and twisted into the view due to the kids around her encouraging that mindset.

Again, this isn't to say that what Lily said was right. But those two really needed to fix their communication and honestly needed to get away from the people telling that what was or wasn't okay in the wizarding world. On top of maybe, just maybe, getting Lily away from the guy who has been pursuing her constantly for years to the point of being willing to publicly bribe or hex her

Whenever I see the argument that "James saved Severus from The prank" as a defence for James, my blood goes cold. Same with Lily saying he should be grateful James saved him.

Your abuser stopped short of killing you, be grateful.

That is a disturbed mentality.

[inessencedevided]

The Untamed, episode 41 - watching notes

Only 10 episodes left 😭😭😭

And we're now entering Nie Mingjue's memories. I have a feeling there's going to be some serious "oh shit!" and "wtf is happening???" going on

Jgy's backstory still moves me, no matter what he did later

I feel like both his and wwx stories are cautionary tales of what happens when you combine a rigid class-system with a mob mentality and top it all of with a healthy amount of "manners over morals"

I feel like JGY main strategy is "hold your tongue and bite your time". I completely fell for his sweet facade in the first few episodes of the flashback

Jo, did NMJ just ram his saber into a stone wall? 😱

NMJ may have anger issues, but he's a good dude

I think he took the "the more perfectly you should be, to leave them with nothing to say" to heart. Like, he never outwardly complains.

Another perfectly timed screenshot I thought I should share :D

Oh, we've seen that before!

How can this be the same person that I thought would be the designated fandom cinnamon role in ep 2/3?? 🥺

I know I'm praising actors left and right during this commentary,but ALL TGE AWARDS for how smoothly JGY changes his demeanor from humble and sweet quasi-servant to "you're not worthy of breathing the same aor as me"

This

And this

Might as well be two different characters

I wonder if, when the NMJ send him away, he realised and regretted, that he had just lost one of the only people who were truly on his side and if he thought it was worth it

One thing I find very interesting in the scene in the Scorching Sun palace is that, jgy is still wearing his hair in the braided style that is customary for the Nie clan. I think I'll try to spot when he changes it

Okay, scratch my earlier musings about if JGY feels genuine regret over how he had to leave NMJ. He clearly doesn't 😐

Gotta give it to him though, he puts gollum to shame with how he switches his personality

Only it's deliberate

And he's not insane

... don't know where I was going with this

So we're at the point where Nie Mingjue wakes in Lan Xichen's arms. Seen that before

Which leaves me asking: WHAT PART OF THIS IS THE ACT??

I wonder though, how they could convince NMJ to become sworn brothers with him after that while story

He does not seem like a man who forgets a grudge easily ^^

That scene of the three of them meditating and playing the Quin is weirdly domestic :D maybe it's just because, so far, we've only seen wwx and lwj in a similar situation together 😅

Why do I still ship Lan Xichen and JGY after all that happened? Because of scenes like these!!!!

JGY *plays Quin ominously*

Didn't know that was possible :D

The fuck???

Why is he coughing blood?

Lwj is playing "Clarity" in the present time to calm him down! Ten points for parallels!

Poor Lan Xichen. Why do I have a feeling that he's the designated buffer between them? 🙈

Sorry for the lack of intelligent commentary, but I'm trying to wrap my head around how much of a puppeteer JGY is ...

I've already mentioned this, but I appreciate the parallels between jgy and wwx and how they differ. Both operate very much outside the orthodoxy, in large part due to them not being born into it. The crucial difference is their goals. One seeks to gain power to not only find his place within the system, but rise above all those who ever looked down on him, too. The other wants to change the system for all those others who are also hurt by it.

Two characters with very similar backgrounds diverging on very different paths

And I appreciate it that it's spelled out in his rant to NMJ here

This is SO telling. I adore this scene! Before I would have calked him simply selfish (and he is, don't get be wrong). But he also probably grew up in a world where he could never be truly save and never feel equal to anyone. Everything be has, he had to fight for.

I just wrote that he and wwx had the same background? I retract that because there is one huge difference. Wwx was loved. From what I've heard, his parents loved him. Then, of course, he has to endure live as a homeless kid, but he was adopted by a foster-father who loved him and had siblings he shared everything with. Of course, he still never felt as if he quite belonged or was enough (Madam Yu saw to that) and that left it's own scars, culminating in all gbe times he rather took on all burdens himself rather than ask for goddam help once. But he was loved. Loved and appreciated and cared for. It seems, that jgy never knew that, probably until NMJ took him as his Vice General. So he learned to survive in the shadows and bite his time until the opportunity arose, never fully trusting anyone.

Does that excuse anything or rid him of responsibility? Nope. But it makes for a damn interesting character

I AM SHOOK!

That exchange between Nie Mingjue and Jin Guangyao was such a brilliantly crafted piece of dialogue!!! 😱😱😱

Because, if, and I think by now that that's likely, jgy turns out to be the main villain of this arc, then he is one o can at least partially understand. He's right in saying that NMJ has no right to claim that his actions are all just. He's gained his position by virtue of his birth and he's working within a system that justifies itself through mixture of imagined moral high ground and the virtue of blood heritage. No action to uphold that can be truly just.

At the same time, I believe, jgy turned those believes into a self-fulfilling prophecy. He himself schemes and uses other people's worst impulses and the faults in the cultivation world to his advantage. Proofing to himself, again and again, that he is right about them and thus justified in his actions. Enter wwx who tries, who really tries to shove the error of their ways in their faces. (I think I just answered my question from a few episodes back about why jgy seems to be working specifically against wwx 🤔)

Sorry for going on such a tengant

NMJ, did you have to call him a son of a whore? 🙄

The hell is happening to NMJ?

Oh shit, what did he do with the song of clarity? How could you even use that to harm someone??

So he tweaked it?

Oh no 😥😥😥

Let me get this straight. JGY intentionally brought NMJ to the point of qui deviation? 😳

Oh no Huaisang!! 😭😭😭

Xue Yang??? He worked with JGY? 😱😱😱

So he didn't doe of Qui deviation!!!

Fuck, JGY spotted paperman-wwx 😳

Honestly wwx, maybe it's not the best idea ever to put your conscious into something that can be crushed by accidentally stepping on it 😬

That's his sword!!!

Didn't wwx just reveal who he is???

Maybe don't do that?!?!

HE CAN WIELD HIS SWORD AGAIN!!! 😭😭😭

but jgy definitely figured out who he is ... 😐

Still, I'm weirdly proud of him :')

But wait! Why does jgy have his sword to begin with???

Aww, little exhausted paperman-wwx flopping down into lwj's hand 🖤

This episode liveblog has been far too serious so far. Here, have my favourite lan Wangji mood:

I really appreciate how seamlessly this show moves between serious scenes and comedy

Jin Ling going "what do you want?" followed by 5 beats of silence and then

had me wheezing 😂

Oh no, he's hidden everything already, hasn't he?

Wow, even Xichen is defiant now. I sense drama!!!

@sweetlittlevampire @fandom-glazed @elenirlachlagos @allhailthedramallama @luckymoony @kyrrahbird @i-love-him-on-purpose (this episode was enlightening, but still raised more questions. Feels like we're honestly entering the final arc of this show 😔)

[notsiriusatall]

What if I'm Someone I Don't Want Around?

He laughs at the door as it slams, any emotion or scrap of warmth dying inside of him as soon as it had surged forward.

“Don’t know what I expected.” 

Sirius glances at Grim who has now crossed to the door and is pawing at it. They’ll find him in time. He’s got food.

The fraction of a reason he had left has just slammed the door in his face. Sirius doesn’t really see a point in carrying on any longer. 

He should’ve bought a gun, like he’d planned before. But Sirius had chickened out, like always. He wasn’t strong enough to do this, he wasn’t strong enough to finally bring the people who still care about him for some stupid fucking reason some peace.

That changes today. 

He looks at the vodka bottle in his hands, excepting to feel something, anything. Nothing comes beyond the numbness, no fear, no regret, no fleeting memories of Doe, no shame for the way her face had looked, no guilt for having the last time she saw him be this time….a little guilt. Maybe he shouldn’t…

Sirius shakes his head and unscrews the bottle. He takes big, gulping drinks, as much as he can stand at once, choking slightly as the burn slides down his throat. The bottle is gone and he doesn’t even feel drunk, so he opens the freezer and gets to work on a second, downing half of it before he feels the familiar feeling of drunkenness spreading from his brain all the way down to his toes.

Numb. This shouldn’t even hurt.

He takes the empty bottle and knocks it against the kitchen island, barely registering Grim’s noise of concern as the bottom half of it shatters.

The broken jagged edges of the bottle catch the overhead light and sparkle, and Sirius feels himself swallow hard. He takes a deep breath and is surprised his hands are shaking as he raises the sharp end of the bottle to his right wrist.

It’s not going to hurt. It’s just going to be like falling asleep except he doesn’t have to wake back up. It’s going to be over soon, even if it hurts. 

Soon he’ll finally feel nothing. Soon he’ll finally be nothing.

They’ll be safe. It’ll be worth it.

He drags the glass across the delicate skin of his wrist, horizontal first, a test. The red of his own blood is shocking and Sirius takes a breath in, waiting for the pain, the sting of his skin tearing-but nothing comes.

Is he dead already? Is this how it ends? He laughs despite himself. Of course even the ending of his own life wouldn’t go according to plan. He digs the glass in deeper, feeling something close to satisfaction as he makes himself bleed. Sirius isn’t shaking anymore. He knows what he’s doing is right.

That is, until a wet nose pushes against the elbow of his uninjured arm.

Sirius’s eyes find Grimm, who barks softly, and pain shoots through his arm as his vision blurs out. In an instant, he’s realized what he’s done. In an instant, he realizes he’s made a mistake. 

He wants to live. He’s not entirely sure why, and he doesn’t even know if he needs a reason, just that the want to keep breathing is there and stronger than it’s been in months. 

“Grimm-”

Sirius catches himself on the kitchen counter, breathing hard from his nose as the glass bottle falls out of his hand and shatters beneath his feet. He’s able to right himself and vaguely registers his dog barking louder and louder behind him, pressing his body against Sirius’s and whining softly when his good arm absentmindedly touches soft black fur. 

“Help.”

Sirius isn’t sure who he’s speaking too, but saying it out loud seems to motivate his body to cling harder to the counter. He pushes himself down towards the sink and grabs the dish towel Doe had laid out.

Doe. Fuck. If he survives this, she’s going to be even more pissed at him, if that’s possible. And if he dies….

Sirius doesn’t want to die. He wants to be able to tell her loves her again. He wants to mean it even more. 

Sirius wants to hear her say it back. 

He gasps as more pain shoots up his arm when he pushes the dish towel to the open wound. The light blue fabric is quickly muddied by the color of his blood and instinctively, Sirius knows this isn’t enough. There’s only one person who might be speaking to him who can fix this.

Thankfully the phone is right next to the couch on an end table, and as Sirius makes his way towards it, able to stand a little straighter due to the surge of adrenaline, it rings.

It's always been like this between the two of them, ever since they’d made their first blood oath in 6th grade. They’ll think hard about the other and within minutes there will be a phone call, or a random pop in, or they’ll pass each other on the street. James said it was coincidence, self fulfilling prophecy, a bunch of other smart science-y stuff, but Sirius knows better.

Its a magic that the two of them share, something they’ll never fully be able to explain but at the same time, each understand. 

“James-?”

Sirius’s voice doesn’t sound right, even to him. It’s too hoarse, raw. Someone else’s. He hears James hear it too when his best friend breathes in sharply. 

“Siri-are you-what’s wrong?”

“I did-I did something really stupid.” Sirius hears his voice crack and he’s crying before he can stop himself.

“Please come.”

“I’m coming. What’d you do?” 

“I...I’m bleeding, James.”

The phone line crackles, Sirius thinks vaguely that James must be covering the receiver.  

“Okay, okay. Can you-do you have something you can stop the blood with?”

“I-” The room tilts and Sirius sinks to the floor, the digital handset clutched in his grasp-his lifeline.

“I don’t wanna die.”

He whispers like it’s a big secret, cause it honestly is. Saying it old loud makes Sirius’s will to live that much more real, it makes the blood he’s losing all the more dire.

“You’re not gonna die, Sirius. You’re not dying, understand?” James is doing a poor job at hiding his panic and Sirius just nods against the phone.

“I’m coming right now. I’m on my cell, okay? I’m staying with you.”

“I really messed up.” 

“You didn’t, bro. We can fix it. I can patch you right up.”

Sirius shakes his head.

“James, I messed up.” 

He doesn’t just mean hurting himself. He doesn’t even just mean any of the things he’s done in the past twenty four hours. He’s messed up and he has been for months and months-and he doesn’t even know how to fix it. 

“Hey-hey, hey, stay with me, Sirius. You’re okay. You didn’t mess up.” 

“Would you be better without me?”

He hates himself for how childish his voice sounds, how stilted and tired his speech is, for the panic laced even in James’ breath.

“God, Sirius. No. Of course not. Quite the opposite.”

He hears James get into his car and start the engine. 

“I’ve got a towel.”

“A towel?”

“For my wrist. Where I’m…”

Sirius can’t finish his sentence, shame sobering him. For fifteen straight seconds, all he hears on the other end is the sound of James driving.

“You slit your wrists?”

“....just one.”

“I’m taking you to the hospital.”

Panic shoots through him and another surge of adrenaline spikes up.

“You can’t. Please, James. You can’t. I can’t go- they’ll-”

“Hurt you? Sirius.”

James’s voice is tender towards him when it should be angry. Gentleness he doesn’t deserve. Fleetingly Sirius realizes just then that if he makes it through this, he’ll never be able to repay James.

“I can’t-” His voice breaks off into a sob and he feels his breath start to get short. All the things his mother drilled into him for years seep into his brain. Hospitals are only there to take you away from me. 

They just wanna hurt you.

They won’t believe you. No one will believe you. 

Anything they do to you will hurt more than what I do.

If you loved me, it wouldn’t hurt. 

Why can’t you just be good?

You don’t need anyone but me. You won’t need anyone but me. Remember that. 

If you’re hurt it’s your own fault.

It’s your fault.

It’s your fault.

It’s always going to be your fault.

“Sirius! Sirius!” 

He squeezes his eyes shut hard, trying to stay present, trying not to fall backwards, trying not lose himself more than he already has. He presses down on the cut on his arm and cries out in pain, but the sound of himself brings him back. He feels something wet on his elbow again, and when he looks over, Grim is right next to him. Sirius lets out another sob and clutches onto the dog with his good arm, the phone cradled between his shoulder and ear. 

“Sirius!”

James is screaming his name into the phone, almost hysterical. 

“James-no hospital.”

“Jesus fucking Christ.”

“I’m sorry-”

“No, it’s okay. You just scared me, man. It’s okay. I’ll try to make it so you don’t have to go, okay?”

“Okay. Are you here?”

“I am so close, buddy. I am so close.”

Sirius hears the sound of a horn blaring as James accelerates. Grimm whines beside him and Sirius start to pet him.

“Was that Grimmy?” 

“Uh-huh.”

“He keeping you company?” 

Sirius can hear the fear in James’ voice still, but he can tell he’s trying to calm down for his benefit. 

“Yeah. James?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m really scared.”

Sirius can’t ever remember saying that out loud. Not to James, not to anyone. He’s thought it more times than he can count, increasingly so since everything fell apart eighteen months ago. But he’s never let himself think about it for more than a second. He didn’t dwell, and he definitely didn’t say it out loud. Sirius had learned very early in life that showing weakness, being afraid, doing anything other than laying there and taking it was a good way to get hurt. But here he was, more hurt than he ever could’ve imagined, and beyond the point of pretending otherwise.

“Me too, Siri. But it’s gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay. You have to be okay.”

Grimm nudges his arm, gets him to keep petting him, keeps him tethered to the life he’d been so determined to leave. James keeps reassuring him in his ear, and Sirius keeps repeating okay every minute or so, not sure of what’s being said, only registering soft black fur beneath his fingers. Soon, Sirius hears a car screech to a stop outside.

“I’m coming up, Siri. I’m here. Is the door unlocked?”

“...yeah.”

He can feel his pulse in the cut now, but he doesn’t think it’s bleeding as much. Sirius shifts so he’s sitting up more against the wall, clutching Grimm with both arms now, suddenly terrified about what’s going to happen when James walks in.

Normally, Grimm greets visitors at the door, but he doesn’t move, letting out a short warning bark when the knob starts to turn.

“S’okay, boy.” Sirius mumbles, shifting more, realizing as he’s trying he doesn’t have the strength to get up. He closes his eyes and rests his head against the wall, opening them again when he feels a hand cup his face.

“Hey.”

When he looks into James’ dark eyes, filled with concern, Sirius loses what he has left. He releases Grimm and throws himself at his best friend, holding onto James with strength he didn’t know he had. He relaxes as he’s held, sobs stealing his breath as James rubs circles on his back. He’d found him in rough shape a handful of times before, but it’s never been like this.

Sirius hopes it’s never like this again. 

“Let me see your arm.”

It’s only when James speaks that Sirius realizes he’s been crying too. He pulls away, his hand on his uninjured arm still gripping James’ bicep. James gently pulls the towel away and breaths a sigh of relief. 

“Alright, Pads. You didn’t get deep.”

Sirius’s eyes work double time and search James’ expression. 

“What-what does that mean?”

James’ offers him a watery smile.

“You’re gonna be just fine. No hospital.”

Sirius breaks down again, relief flooding him as James readjusts them so Sirius can lean against James properly, his arm around his shoulders keeping Sirius on Earth. Grimm puts his head in his lap.

“I’m not gonna die?”

“You’re not gonna die. Not on my watch.”

They sit there for what could be forever, Sirius quietly crying into James’s chest/armpit, letting years of pain out on the floor of his living room. When he’s done, James lets the silence surround them, reaching over to scratch Grimm behind the ears as Sirius’s breath turns back to normal.

“I have to ask you, Siri.” 

Sirius nods against him, not moving his head up to look at him even though he should.

“I know.”

“How much did you have to drink.”

He lets three heavy seconds pass before he has the guts to answer.

“One and a half.”

“Drinks?”

“Fifths.” 

James sucks in a breath. Sirius wants to cry again, realizing how consistently he’s been letting James down. He pulls away, lifting his head up even though it feels far too heavy.

“I...James. I need help.” His voice cracks but he pushes through.“Please.”

James nods twice, standing and pulling Sirius up with him.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay, I’ll get you help. Let me bandage you up first.”

He drops Sirius off on the couch and disappears into the bathroom. Grim jumps up beside him and whines again. Sirius reaches for him but he touches something else soft first. The blanket Doe had slept with. Without thinking, without caring, he wraps it around himself, wrapped even around his head. He breathes her in, tears streaming down his face again.

He has to see her again. He has to tell her he’s sorry. 

And he will.

He’s asleep before James even finds the first aid kit,he’s completely exhausted. His sleep is mercifully dreamless and for the first time he can remember, Sirius is looking forward to waking up.

[punkscowardschampions]

Ava & James

Ava: I've told all my family James: oh Ava: Maybe don't oh that hard Ava: thinking you've changed your mind and that's going to be very difficult to do a 180 on tbh James: I'm actually thinking about Bella's dad's reaction Ava: As far as I'm aware, my dad doesn't have a shotgun Ava: or an excellent moustache Ava: definitely not James: Mine does, on both counts, but the mentality simply isn't there James: war of words is as far as things have so far escalated Ava: That's a good visual Ava: what about your mum? James: she's very busy lining up every single woman she's aware of between the ages of 20 to 30 within a mile radius or so Ava: Very Mr Darcy Ava: I'll gatecrash James: I look forward to the dramatic dance scene during which we only touch palms & exchange looks Ava: I bet Lizzie Bennet didn't 😳 Ava: shame my sister isn't around to push over so your parents are forced to take us in whilst she languishes James: 😂 James: I'll happily push my sister over or let her fall through an iced over pond to further our romantic narrative Ava: 💘 Ava: I know it's less about me but I can swoon nonetheless James: if you're 😳 then you'll have my full attention regardless Ava: Promise? James: yes Ava: even if the single ladies have really good period costumes? James: well, I hadn't considered that Ava: 😏 Ava: rude James: before I decide, what are you going to be wearing when you gatecrash? Ava: Obviously something unexpectedly knockout Ava: am the protagonist, need I remind you James: okay, what I'm hearing is anything you already own or could pick out from anywhere given a few moments Ava: You're adorable Ava: how did it go really then? James: does that mean I'll get to see you before there's a seasons changing montage? because I really want to Ava: Providing you don't need to exile yourself, of course James: I'm sure there's now several people in both our lives who would like me to, but I won't Ava: They were as receptive as I expected but I've made it clear I won't be stopping seeing you, hopefully put to bed the concerns I can James: in my case, the only concern is outward appearances so there's very little I can do even if I particularly cared to James: & Teddy isn't concerned so much as shocked & appalled Ava: Of course Ava: at least I'm an addendum re. the main issue of the whole divorce, in that case? Ava: yeah, do you think I should make a point of talking to him or give him space? James: will you? as far as he's concerned I haven't made a good decision within his living memory, but you two are friends, or were Ava: I'll try, definitely Ava: if I can make him see it's as much my decision as yours, it might help, in the end Ava: and I can handle another person having their say James: thank you James: I meant what I said, I'm more than willing to discuss this with your parents, at any point James: I can handle that Ava: Thank you Ava: I think it might help Ava: but I also think I'm gonna give them a cool-off period or it won't be at all helpful and that won't be at all your fault James: understood James: I'm currently having to employ a similar situation with Jay's playdates because her friend's mothers cannot possibly keep their nose out of my business or their mouths shut about where hers is and every other single detail they believe to be fact Ava: Oh lord Ava: I wouldn't have envied you having to socialize by-proxy with the self-professed yummy mummies before but now Ava: I can only imagine Ava: Poor Jay Ava: I can't offer a human child for playdates but Frank is always down Ava: and my lips are, naturally, sealed James: I was hoping to take them away for a few days but it's as though my dad has decided that in lieu of my failings in other areas I need to suddenly become the hardest worker in the history of this company Ava: Of course Ava: Hmm James: because obviously what my children require most in their mother's absence is to also see me less Ava: Well, yeah, that's not potentially traumatizing Ava: thank God for School being right 'round the corner Ava: and Matty still being portable James: I've been bringing them both to the office & the bulging vein in his temple is honestly such a strong contender for the book cover Ava: 😏 That's how you do it Ava: risk his health and wellbeing so you get the time off for yours James: King's didn't teach me everything I know, I've got a few tricks Ava: When are you giving me that tour? James: When can I see you? Ava: When is your dad not working you to death? Ava: I can make it work James: [A pause while he figures that out] James: he's out of the office all day on [a date in the foreseeable to make this office hookup a thing] Ava: No offense but if your brother shows up again you need to send him on a really long coffee run James: as you said, school is right around the corner, meaning my parents priorities have shifted back to making sure he'll go Ava: In that case Ava: 😈 James: 😇 for saying yes Ava: I have ulterior motives, I promise you James: oh really? Ava: really Ava: it's very unfair I've yet to see you in your work clothes James: [sends her a pic because nobody can stop him] Ava: um hello 😍 Ava: you're really going to be away from me looking so good Ava: unfair James: I'm sorry James: I really, really am Ava: Me too Ava: I've not seen you enough to warrant how badly I want to right now James: [a casual essay about how much he misses her and wants her and everything he wishes they could do, in a saucy way but also just in cute ways like] Ava: James James: Ava Ava: I really love you, you know James: I love you too James: what I most wish is that we could go away for a while Ava: That would be Ava: so good Ava: maybe we could in like the Christmas hols, when everything has calmed down Ava: hopefully James: it would be indescribable Ava: I have no doubt you would do your best Ava: and it'd be impressive James: the subject matter lends itself to nothing but my best Ava: I'm honoured🙇 James: so am I, especially by that visual Ava: Gutted I'm out rn and can't immediately fulfill that wish for a visual like you did Ava: when I get back though James: [sends her an even better visual] James: until then, there you are Ava: oh, well, you aren't distracting at all 😖 Ava: definitely gonna get you back when you're so hard at work James: 😈 James: I so badly hope you do Ava: I intend to Ava: every day of the week Ava: but especially when I get to come see you James: you know, the things I intend to do to you on this desk drastically shifts the audience we're going to be able to pitch this book to Ava: You'll have to restrain your imagination in the write-up so the audience can use theirs to fill in the blanks Ava: because there's no way we're leaving your office 'til we've done everything you've thought of James: finally some overtime I'm not upset about Ava: It's all about balance, right? 😇 James: & I'm aware that you've got very good balance Ava: Will that help me be the best good luck charm on your best I can be? 🤔 Ava: intriguing 😋 James: absolutely, but if you need any more help, I'll help you Ava: You're very helpful, baby James: I try to be Ava: I've never met anyone like you James: I don't think I'll ever meet anyone else that comes close to you either James: I certainly haven't before Ava: Good Ava: I don't need to think about competiting so soon James: you don't need to think about it, full stop Ava: not 'til the dance, anyway James: even then, I'll only have eyes for you, that's the cliche Ava: Of course Ava: doesn't mean I'm not gonna do everything within my power to ensure it's worth your 👀s while James: I don't want to dance with anyone else, Ava James: I don't want to do any of this with anyone else Ava: I know Ava: you know I feel the same too James: you know I couldn't have done this without you though Ava: You did it all though, all the hard conversations and hard decisions James: a lot of those decisions were made for me, so there's limited credit due, & a lack of conversation with her just cements that Ava: Yeah but the ball is in her court on that one Ava: you're if not ready at least willing whenever she is James: of course, because that's not a decision, to not act, not any more Ava: yeah, and that's going to be a good thing Ava: even if it is not good all the time James: I'll be interested to see if she gets in contact before school starts because that's unlikely to be a good thing Ava: Yes, I wonder if this is just a summer holiday or Ava: makes you wonder what she's even doing that could keep her so 'busy' James: whoever cleans the pool, probably, not that she'd ever admit to such a cliche Ava: 😬 Ava: definitely not getting paid enough James: 😂 Ava: I'm just glad that right now you don't have to deal with her on the day to day, even if it's only a momentary reprieve, it'll never be that bad again James: me too, I can't & won't pretend that I didn't know how bad it had become but actually getting a break from it makes me wonder how either of us dealt with that for as long as we have Ava: I bet Ava: she must've been as sick of it, even though she was the one not letting go and doing the fucked up shit, that has to be exhausting to live like that Ava: full level hell beast all the time, like 😈 Ava: sorry, I'm not fully sure where the line is re. her Ava: but I've been hearing great things from Nancy and Buster today so, that's in my head James: it's okay, you're not wrong James: & neither are they Ava: Okay Ava: if it's ever weird or like, not up for discussion though, just say the word Ava: or several, as you're especially loquacious James: there's a fantastic word Ava: as far as safewords go Ava: I can think of a few situations where it might be hard to get out but isn't that half the fun James: I'll make a note of it, because yes, that's definitely a large percentage of the thrill Ava: I wish you were here Ava: I only am to get away from my parents for a bit James: where are you? Ava: My friend's house Ava: Her sister is called Stasia, think she was your year-ish? James: I remember her, whether she would me, favourably or otherwise, I can't possibly comment James: I'll take you home when you want to go Ava: Really? Ava: well, I'll go at whatever time means I get some extra with you James: okay, I'll take that as my cue to leave now, not only because any reason to get out of here is welcomed though Ava: Please do Ava: talking about you so much has only made my need to be with you even greater James: I can absolutely relate & admit to having had the same urge all day Ava: Oh good Ava: we're on the same page James: that said, a necessary note in the margin would be that in actual fact I've felt that way much longer, because whatever I'm talking about, I'm thinking about you Ava: Sometimes I think I think about you too much Ava: but then I remember I'm the protagonist in this romance so it's not just acceptable but necessary James: you can do whatever you like, darling, it's your story Ava: In that case Ava: read on James: voraciously Ava: 🤤🤤 James James: I'm just making sure we're still on the same page Ava: You're gonna have trouble keeping me on the page Ava: and making me go home James: & the driver's eyes on the road, we may need more than the Twilight soundtrack on this occasion Ava: Pride & Prejudice 2005? Ava: gotcha, honey James: 😂 James: yes, exactly Ava: 😊 Ava: I love you so much James: I miss you so much James: if I could take you home with me, I very happily would Ava: I know Ava: one day James: after the move to the other side of the river, because we both know there is a line Ava: It's pretty exciting, isn't it? James: I'm glad to hear you think so because I was going to ask you if you'd like to come house hunting with me Ava: I'd love to! James: [a possible date soonish] ? Ava: That should be good for me Ava: I'll let you know if otherwise Ava: it'll be nice to look at some actual decent places, let's face it, I doubt my student digs will be all that inspiring, like 😏 James: barely room for whatever hazing pranks they have in store, I'm sure Ava: I'm still not convinced that particular visual doesn't just come from a certain type of movie, babe James: you'll have to let me know 😏 Ava: I'll make it good for you James: my faith in you remains unwavering Ava: 🙇 James: have you reconsidered your stance on spoilers? Ava: That does depend James: oh? Ava: have you dumped fake girl? James: she was very slow to accept her fate, but yes Ava: I can't blame her Ava: I wouldn't wanna lose you either Ava: [picture, assumedly in her friend's room or somewhere not just in front of them like oh hey] James: Ava Ava: Make traffic move faster please James: I'll do the quickest rewrite possible & see you at your friend's door Ava: I'll be waiting so patiently James: & I'll be waiting impatiently James: 😇 & 😈 Ava: I think you deserve to be 😈 right now Ava: been a long day, yeah? James: yes, though it feels longer now, stretching out with the queued traffic Ava: 🥺 Ava: we'll just have to see it as motivation to not waste a single second James: it's a promise, in or out of traffic Ava: I'm so lucky James: if you think you are, then I need a better word to describe my own fortune right now Ava: I'm just really happy Ava: in spite of anything else, everything else, right now James: good, me too Ava: 🥰 Ava: you deserve that even more James: you deserve more than I can possibly give you, however patiently you wait Ava: nuuh James: yes you do Ava: 😣 Ava: no Ava: and I want you James: I want you, I'm well aware that it doesn't mean I deserve to have you Ava: How could you possibly not James: because James: the reasons I lack words to describe you aren't even close to the reasons I lack them to describe myself Ava: but I can't describe you either Ava: not just because I'm no writer James: but you do, all the time, in both words & actions I can vividly see myself the way you think of me Ava: I'm glad Ava: keep looking, okay Ava: we'll work on the believing bit James: okay James: if you'd like to get in the car, we can start immediately

[ewoo]

I forgot to post this ages ago so im doing it now:

Man, that flashback episode really reminded me of all the things I hate about Zoox and Devo.

(Which speaks to the McElroys bc I'm pretty sure I am supposed to, if not hate, at least dislike these aspects of their characters)

For Zoox - It's mostly just that he's very callous and easily offended? Which to be fair to him, he's basically a toddler so it's pretty understandable. Just sometimes it rubs me the wrong way, like when he was talking to Hermine about Finneas' lantern and being offended when she tries to keep, what is ostensibly, the corpse of her friend that, to him, is just a lantern with no meaning ascribed to it other than it is his.

My main problem is that this characterisation seems mostly incidental and is framed as positive and at other times he seems rather willing to give things to other people - not a greedy guy for the most part which made the whole thing seem a bit weird to me, but it could just have been a tonal disparity.

Devo is just an asshole. He constantly explodes at people and blames them for things that aren't really their fault (example: Finneas, the sallow) and doesn't provide any constructive feedback alongside his complaints of other people (again: sallow). He's also kind of a hypocrite in that he gets easily offended at things and also seems surprised at people being hostile to him despite his poor treatment of them (see: the bar fight, enlisting the biggest baby). He doesn't really apologise and when he does I feel as if it's often about the wrong thing, just the wrong time or he makes the situation more about him. The apologising thing might just be something he learned from the church, though.

On the subject of the church I feel a large disconnect between the story Devo is telling and the story we are seeing (specifically the lantern room), but I think that might just be due to Travis and Griffin not really discussing it properly between them. I got the impression the lantern memory was worse in Travis's mind than it turned out to be, it was still bad, don't get me wrong, but Guidance was being kind of a good teacher the entire time (as in: there were no threats or punishments, just gentle encouragement - it was a discussion). Which isn't to say I like her - she's a gaslighting, lovebombing bitch. (Specifically: when they talked to her for their contract)

I honestly have no complaints about Amber. She's a well-written, well rounded character who is consistent in both her flaws and her strengths. She's a badass woman who lived through the apocalypse, I don't know what to tell you.

I'm not going to lie: I really don't like Devo. And I really preferred the scientist over him. (He was fun. Hope he shows up again)

But also Devo is somehow my favourite of the three and I'm excited to see how Devo manages his anger issues (which he's acknowledged he has! love that for him) and further develop as a character. As well as potential for seeing what the Church/Hand Of Benevolence is really like (I want them to be really shitty).

All of this to say that a lot of people like this exist and props to Travis and Clint in making me have lots of conflicting feelings about Devo and Zoox