#dude that is my daily serotonin

[smudged-red-ink]

Smudge I was about to suggest a linktober comic series to you only to realize i found tu through your reblogs

mwahaha I out-recommended you >:))

[box-architecture]

2 paragraphs are all it took to get me to love QuackiBlob lol and I'm probably going to make that your problem because you're his creator

He seems like a very cute- ehm apologies I meant impressive little fella and most importantly he causes Quackity mental distress do what more can one ask for? (I like causing my favorite characters mental distress >:) ... Though someone really should get big Q into therapy, chill dude, it's just a blob). Is there any (and I mean any hypothetical) scenario where Dream would make QuackiBlob or is that totally out of the question? Could he perhaps make a blob by accident? Did Quackity ever try to get rid of the blob or at least get it out of the casino? (Since it makes him so uncomfortable). And what would SapBlob's reaction to QuackiBlob and vice versa be?

Also, I'm now interested in the answer to Gogy's question: can other admins make something like blobs?

And last but not least, does GogyBlob wake up more often once DreBlob spends more time around (cuz Sapnap and Dream made up). What do SamBlob and PunzBlob think about GogyBlob and SapBlob? I can imagine SamBlob getting jealous easily

Sorry for asking so many questions, I guess you can tell I totally fell in love with those little guys 😅 they are such a good source of serotonin

Have a nice day/night <3

Honestly a big thing with me right now is that I haven't figured out if Quackity will live or die in the CKAU, but if he lives he will most likely be getting So Much Therapy. Or at least some mediocre dick (Wilbur.)

If I had to choose how Qblob would be created, it would likely be around the church prime era. Dream making some blobs to live in the church and do maintenance, and Qblob sticks with it for a while before getting bored and hopping off to find a space near its soul print, where things would hopefully be more interesting.

As far as my brain says atm, Blobs can't die. They can be poofed out of existence, but since they're not 'alive' the same way players are alive, their bodies can just respawn without consequence. Qblob, no matter how distressing he might be to Quackity, will always come back, so Quackity metronomes wildly between pretending he's fine with it and daily murder attempts. This is what coping is, surely.

Qblob makes Sapblob deeply uncomfortable in ways a tiny soul print just can't fully understand. The severe mix of I Loved You, I Miss You, I Hate You, I Want You Dead, I Want To Sob In Your Arms, etc etc? Thats asking a lot of a blob to manage. Sapblob has settled with avoiding Qblob at all cost and not letting it inside The GogyNest

It's. Sort of a yes I think? Philza's crows definitely used to be something like Dreams blobs before Chat starting inhabiting some. All Admins have the ability to create soulless "bots" to do server maintenance, but a skilled admin is capable of manipulating their shapes, sounds, and ability to be affected by Souls. You can imprint a concept of someone onto them, let someone see through their eyes or inhabit them to a minor degree. It's not really something an average everyday admin would do because Effort and Time Consuming and Learning A Skill, but Dream and Philza are firm Hyperfixators of All Things Silly And Fun.

Gogyblob believes in playdates. Thus, Dreamblob must come play, It's The Rules. Punz is a little Cold with George for Made Dream Sad reasons, so Punzblob is not a fan of playdates. Samblob thinks if he loafs on Dreamblob in a cardboard box then Dreamblob will never leave and therefore Be Safe With Partners.

This is incorrect and Samblob has settled with waiting in front of the GogyNest until the playdate is over. He Will Make Sure Dreamblob Gets Home Safe (and bite Sapblob because He's An Evil Partner Thief)

I give you a big hug and apologize for this taking so long<333 I hope you have a good day/night too!!

[dean-winchester-is-a-warrior]

🎉🎉 Happy 45th Birthday to a guy who boosts my serotonin on a daily basis!

And who also boosts my faith that there actually ARE good dudes out there! 😍

(x)

(x)

(x)

Wishing you the Happiest of Birthdays and another fabulous year, filled with all the happiness, love, peace, and calm you deserve.

[amostdelectablescribbler]

daily reminder:

you’re fuckin awesome dude.

have a nice week borgourino

random act of kindness noticed, so in exchange i shall divulge thoughts:

My headcanon of you is a 5’2 goober clad in an EOD suit of floofy jumpers and scarfs and fluffy socks and cozy shit to the point that you’re more kitten-shaped than human because i’ve forgotten what happy people look like and you are a serotonin factory in the same way watching a kitten is.

[temmes]

Incentive and movtivation

To me,is not worth learning a new language just to be able to talk with people,I take languages as tools,they are means to reach goals,and i am not wealthy.so sacrificing many resources like time and energy just to talk with people doesn’t add up

I saw some YouTubers doing adventure vlogs especially one will be a white dude walking in different places talking with locals in Spanish speaking countries.that’s really impressive and motivating.i could feel my brain pumping dopamine and stuff when i binge watching them with a smile on my face.but after the passion and motivation wear off,back to facing the everyday boring and painful learning experience,that is not exciting at all,that bums me out!

I realized those cool events can’t help me stay motivated because they can not be the real incentive,we all humans know what’s cool and great but only few of us will pursuit because they are advanced needs,just like icing on the cake,they are not necessary.

And this had brought my thoughts sideway into thinking about what makes people go for things, what makes them tick.

Just like the above ,we see incentives daily,watching Videos about cool things and stuffs on internet.in daily life usually there will be people around us got promoted/new valuable goods, in human relations,incentives like fame and wealth are mostly involved,or worse,primitive desires.

So I rank them up,divide them into three sections,the higher the rank is,the weaker the incentive is(I’m not going to include those weird incentives involved crime and stuff, it’s out of the topic you can check out the stories of infamous serial killers.as I know they were mostly involved with wrong viewpoints of moral and sexual problems)

I boiled down the too-complicated-for-regular-readers”Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs Theory”into three simple sections of rank,from bottom to top rank will be:

the basic needs,the social needs,the self needs.these are all,more or less have something to do with chemical and it motivates people to do things,without it,mostly we will be lying on ground idling

The basic needs are fundamental to all the animals: air water food, sleep safety and sex.

Those are the most simple things to understand why we need them and we are most likely will do things for them,everything,just to maintain them a long period of time.and our brain will help us by producing dopamine as an incentive to motivate us to do things that is good for survival.

This is where we build up habits(mostly bad like addictions).one of them is maintaining a sense of stabilization because we can’t live without essential needs,not even a few days.i still remember at the end of the book”Robinson Crusoe”after he got rescued by those sailors,he beg and hid piles of bread under his bunk just to make himself felt reassured.

And our fellow human designed tons of product that will hook you into consuming them just to make more capital using the characteristic of human brain chasing dopamine.

The second rank is much cooler than the first one and it’s sort of painful to some of us because it’s all about human relations——the social needs: To Love and be loved, sense of belonging.

Something wrong with this app tons of sentences disappeared I don’t want to work on it anymore but little tips from my boys Adler and Arthur: 80% of worries and annoyances come from relationships,so try to avoid them ;)

This one probably involves with serotonin,i am not a professor or a doc but kind of like dopamine,as an incentive it promote socializing.it probably kicks in when people talking or doing things,having a good time together.because team work helps us better to survive in the bad old days. Our cpu followed by primitive programs likes it

After i read books about the relations of the chemical produced by our brain with motivations,i grew interests in them.we should follow our primitive principles/rules followed by our brains——saving energy,find ways to survive and do more exercise

I’m going talk about exercise later and it also involves with chemical,endorphin.

And I’m not going to talk about the last one,the self needs,probably no one cares.

The way of Our brain and body’s function is still really old compare to the modern life style and environment.we need to find out the key to make them work better otherwise we are just bunch of smarter monkeys

And I’m curious about dopamine rushing when we are facing uncertainty in gambling because looks like it is quite the opposite of human nature

[thatqueercryptid]

I posted 11,664 times in 2022

That's 3,494 more posts than 2021!

115 posts created (1%)

11,549 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@thequeerbitch

@ayyyyysexual

@shinekittenace

@thatqueercryptid

@drowprincen

I tagged 595 of my posts in 2022

#save for myself - 73 posts

#save for later - 72 posts

#some free serotonin in these times - 26 posts

#unreality - 9 posts

#humanity is beautiful - 7 posts

#dracula - 7 posts

#dracula daily - 7 posts

#flying at the speed of sound - 4 posts

#vocabulary that astounds - 4 posts

#gemini - 4 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#i love taking notes on this cause some of them are like “custard is a brainless idiot and she shouldnt be” and then others are like “the en

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

i wonder why none of my friends have emailed me today? im sure theyre all right but i still wish they had

29 notes - Posted May 27, 2022

#4

Jonathan why are you staring at the sunset when youre being held prisoner by a dude and why did you stick around to watch him climb down the walls headfirst? also why do you know his hands so well Jonathan? why are you staring at his hands Jonathan?

29 notes - Posted May 12, 2022

#3

Every day I wake up and am plagued by Thoughts*.

37 notes - Posted August 10, 2022

#2

how do i evict a bird?

43 notes - Posted July 19, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

why are you shitting yourself so much cause you're a plate

I AM NOT SHITTING MYSELF CAUSE I AM NOT A PLATE AND YOU ARE A OIEVE OF ROCK!

56 notes - Posted July 19, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[amelia-yap]

omg they are on a dahte

[obihoekenobi]

here is your daily obi-wan:

YOU BETTER HAVE A GREAT DAY

You're so cute, thank you 💖

[lesbianjenderenvy]

i check tumblr at 1:30 in the morning on a wednesday. i laugh hysterically about canon dearth & canon lamp until 4:42 am. i achieve a few hours of shitty sleep on the pull-out couch. i rouse myself from slumber in the manner of an asthmatic whale breaching the surface of the bering strait. i receive a job offer. i wonder if anything happened on the cw show supernatural (2005-2020) while i was distracted with earthly matters. i check t- 

[kats-comfort-corner]

“Lazy Genius”

A video from one of my YT subscriptions was discussing [someone]’s view on IQ, and it reminded me that one of the “outstanding” (or, at least, most frequently mentioned) aspects of Shikamaru’s abilities is that “his IQ is over 200″.

Cough.

So,

IQ is garbage.

It’s an incredibly flawed and inaccurate representation of “human intelligence” founded with blatantly racist intentions.

I can’t speak to that point as well as Anti-Racism Daily’s article, The Racial History of IQ Testing.

I also think of Albert Einstein’s quote,

“Every single person is a genius. But if you assess a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole existence thinking it is dumb.”

And this also made me think of the title I see attributed to Shikamaru most often, which is “Lazy Genius”.

And, uh...

Laziness doesn’t exist.

Not a real thing, aside from the symptoms of various mental health issues that have come to represent it, despite the fact that...you don’t choose to be depressed. And you don’t choose to have a deficit of dopamine or botched distribution of serotonin.

I haven’t had a chance to read the book yet, but NPR did a segment on the book Laziness Doesn’t Exist (pretty direct, I love it) with its author, Devon Price, PhD, titled “You aren’t lazy. You just need to slow down.”

I could also go on about how the concept of “laziness” has been used to further capitalist exploitation, racist rhetoric, and classist oppression, but, you know.

I’ll let people who are better with words and more experience in this discussion speak on that, lol.

Shout out to my guy who’s just a dude that encourages me to do research on this sort of thing.

Bigger shout out to everyone that puts the energy and effort into doing that research so that I have the ability to even educate myself on these issues in the first place.

[sunaswife]

A Suna Rintarou series

Summary: Suna was the best boyfriend you could ask for, after fighting with your inner demons that screamed you were ugly, worthless, and annoying. You finally decided to go the next step with your boyfriend, only to find out it was all a game.

A/N: PART 12 Oof my brain is fried but this is a small chapter I made in about an hour hehehe so enjoy :) I have the next two chapters in the works atm and I’m excited for whats going to come! I find it funny when I can’t choose on what to write and I have multiple ideas, I flip a coin. Deadass. Lmao I wasn’t gonna have a sequel and I was gonna end this shit with angst but I flipped a coin and it said to make a sequel so I’m working on that too! My friends know what’s gonna go down and if they’re screaming I know y’all are most likely gonna scream too 😌ANYWAYS ON TO THE STORY

Warnings: underaged drinking, smut, guys talking badly about women, heartbreak, messed up shit that you shouldn’t do and a bit of fluff if you squint

Disc six-part two: Miya Atsumu 🏐

A/N: idk how y’all do fake text messages so enjoy this text convo lmao EDIT: @m-i-n-t-y-fresh made me these convos so I deleted the crappy one I had prior lol. Tysm 🖤🤍

You giggled at your boyfriends response. Yeah he’s definitely gonna punish you when you come back. “Ooo kinky~” you heard next to your ear and you yelped. “What the fuck Tooru-Senpai. Don’t scare me like that!” You put your hand on your chest. “This Rin-rin seems like a total dom. you’re such a sub it makes sense that you’re wrapped right around his finger. Say. How far have you guys gone?” He asked and your face turned red. “None of your business shittykawa. She’s old enough to make her own decisions.” Iwa-Senpai said and you slightly gave him a thankful smile.

“But if he pressures you into doing something you don’t wanna do then he needs to watch out because you’re going to kick his ass.” Iwa patted your back and you nodded. “Iwa you’re so vulgar.” He muttered and you snickered. They haven’t changed at all.

Lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely

I have nobody for my own

“Can you stop playing that? You’ve been playing it all day.” Aran told Atsumu who layed on the floor with Suna and Osamu. They all looked at the ceiling feeling empty and lonely. The squad was not complete so they couldn’t properly function. “I’m just trying to think of Y/N’s smile. She’s not here so I can’t have my daily dose of serotonin.” He said earning a smack from Suna. “Dude seriously you gotta shut the fuck up. Those comments you keep to yourself. Not in front of the boyfriend of the girl you think you have a chance with.” Suna hissed and sat up. “Damn chill it’s just a joke.” Atsumu mumbled but Suna wasn’t pleased. He just gave a look to Atsumu.

“How many times do I have to tell you to not make those comments outloud. Do you want Y/N to report you for sexual harassment? Do you want to start an issue with the team because you can’t keep it in your pants and wanna take away someone who’s in a relationship with your teammate?” Kita scolded and Atsumu shut up. Osamu sighed and shook his head. ‘Tsumu is a fucking idiot.

“She’s calling.” Suna freaked out as he looked at his phone. He pressed the answer button and put it to his ear. “Hey princess~” he said lowly and all suave but the team snickered, he’s such a simp. Atsumu stood up unamused and walked to the restroom.

What the fuck is wrong with him?

Why is he acting like this?

Atsumu looked at his reflection and he saw his dirty blonde hair, his thick eyebrows. His small mustache that was forming. He needed a shave. “What’s wrong with you dude.” He whispered to himself.

Why do I keep feeling like this. Atsumu wondered. It’s not fair. Why does Suna get the girl? Why does he get to love her? Cuddle her? Spoil her? Be there for her. Make her moan? Why is he in love with her? Why can’t Suna be in love with somebody else? What does she see in Suna? He’s a lazy fuck who has a shitty sense of humor and plays Minecraft all night. His memes are stupid and he’s not even that good looking. What do you see in him? He’s so quiet and deadpanned, he always seems uninterested and bored.

But when he looks at her his eyes are brighter, he smiles more, he’s more determined during practice and games. He even talks more, and you understand. And if you don’t you don’t mind listening to him explain.

He felt a pain in his stomach at the thought of you kissing Suna the first time he announced you were both together. He then thought about your smile and your smirk when you challenged him. He remembered the time you stayed late with him to practice Jump floats because he was shit and you were an expert. Suna said he was leaving but secretly waited outside just so Atsumu wouldn’t have to walk you home because surprisingly you lived ridiculously close to him and Suna didn’t want Atsumu to know where you lived.

He remembered the late night tutor sessions and when you would sit across from him. The dining table was small and your smooth leg would touch his but you would apologize and moved your legs.

He thought he only wanted you for your body and innocence but it turns out that he was experiencing the feeling of unrequited love and he doesn’t know how he’ll be able to survive if he sees you kiss Suna one more time.

Is this what his fans feel? If so he feels bad for them.

This feeling fucking sucks.

Previously

Up next

Masterlist

A/N: thanks for over 350 followers!! I didn’t even notice since I don’t care about my follow count but I just wanted to say that I do appreciate it!

🏷: @therealwalmartjesus @differentballooncollection @aaesuki @atsunflower @dope-squish @prettysetterboiss @june-phantom @tomo-uwu @austriasmariazelle @xrnia @katsulia @aprettyfruit @shut-your-eyes-kiss-me-goodbye @tvbiio @sun-daddy-yoriichi @kamenoyaki @ppangiiroo @loeyprivvv @kmskj92 @lovinnoya @tris-does-stuff @mokkeguts @sunaluvr6969 @bara-rose-would @sempiternal-amour @volleybloop @leykyuu @bokutoichigo @stfucanunot @iloveanime691 @tpwkatsumu @ohshirabu @shoutosimp @mqrinqcele @bokutosdivineass @anngelllla @toworuu @hidden-otaku-stuff

[aadyeah]

IMPORTANT. REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT.

Hey, so you all know @strudel-and-creme?

Yeah that dude. He’s *very* funny, adorable, caring, fucking lazy, and most of all, he is the perfect online sibling. This boy is 👌. His blog is 👌. His personality is 👌. His posts are 👌.

And do yall know what isn’t dope about him?

His life. It’s fucked up. Too much stress, too much pressure. Mentally exhausted. Anxiety to level 100. Listen, people, I talk to him on a daily basis, so I can say he isn’t doing well. Not at all. And I love him a lot, and it’s really hurting to see him so lost. 

So what I want yall to do, is to give him some love and support through this post. Send him a cute cat pic if you are feeling generous? 

This is a Alagar (Clove) appreciation post. Appreciate this dude. Even though you don’t know him, I assure you he’s awesome. 

Please?

Give him his well deserved serotonin boost.

tagging some moots for help @some-major-ishues @mango-pickle @paranoid--introvert @cipher-dorito @psycho-mocha @arrigatoroy @warning-coffeeisexplosive it’s late and my brain isn’t working could you all spread this please? Honest request?

[isthatbloodonhisshirt]

Getting to read a new chapter every morning is really good, actually!!! It makes my day ♥️

Lol dude, please stop saying thank you so many times 😂😂 It's making me feel weird, like, I should be the one thanking you. Not the other way around!! You legit wrote like, what, 276k just for this one fic. That's like, almost twice the length of an average long book. Dude. That's legit so much serotonin for me, you don't even know!!! Each of your work is so, so good, if I kept a top 10 sterek fic list yours would legit be like, 9/10 works there. Not even joking. But I only keep a top 3 because there's just too many fics to get lost in lmao 🤣🤣😂

Really?? By Any Other Name (I Will Always Feel The Same) is like, soooo good!!! (Linking it because more people should see it... Go Read It!!!! What are you waiting for?!) It's in my top three and has been since I read it. I hadn't even seen the movie at that time, lol, but I loved the premise (I knew the general idea of the movie...). I actually devoured the whole thing in like, 2 days xD Had to process some stuff in between because feels. Ohgodthefeels.

Anyways. Sorry I rambled, and Thank you for reading through that lol.

PS: Since you asked for my #3, it's an ongoing series by @asterekmess. They are writing the canon rewrite, and have published S1, S2 and The Summer Between S2 and S3 so far. I think S3 will come in October? Yup, October. The link to it is here (to the series as a whole) if you'd like to read this sometime!!

- 🕖

Lol thank you so much ;~; I’m glad you’re enjoying the daily updates. Almost at the end though, but at least the wait overall will be over, right? :P 

HAHAHA I CAN’T HELP IT! I am just always so thankful and happy when people share their experience with me about how they feel with my work! For real, it means so much to me and just thank you ;~; And that is legit so, so nice to say so many of mine are in your top ten. Seriously, no words, thank you so much ;~; 

Thank you XD It was a fun one to write. It was super weird trying to tag it though because I was like “technically... major character death... because they all die... a lot... but they don’t stay dead... so does it count...?” XD I did in the end just so no one would yell at me about it, but yeah, that one was fun on the tagging front (to be fair it was fun all around. I loved writing that one). ONLY THE GOOD FEELS RIGHT?! NO ANGST AT ALL IN THAT FIC, IT WAS SO FLUFFY RIGHT?! :D lololol 

Thank you so much for the rec! I shall add it to my eventual read list of Sterek fics :3 I read the summary for the series and that sounds -chef’s kiss- excellent. Can’t wait, thank you so much for sharing! SHARING IS CARING WHEN IT COMES TO FANFIC!!!!! <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

[deathbydarkelves]

3 for Jaztul, 13 for Cathala nd Tarinna, and 19 for Everyone 👀 (or just everyone you Have a song for hgghfhg)

Under a cut YET AGAIN

3.) What does their voice sound like?

I want to find a voice claim for Jaztul at some point, but for now I can tell you he's got a bit of that surfer dude vibe. Literally just a Guy.

13.) What are their views on marriage?

UNFORTUNATELY we know very little about marriage/any equivalents in night elf society, I think there’s literally one (1) mention of it in a book somewhere nsbcjd But anyway. Cathala and Tarinne are not super dedicated to the idea honestly, they’re pretty happy keeping it casual from a legal standpoint. Like, they’re definitely in it till death do them part, but they don’t feel a need to go through the ceremony of it. Maybe they will later, but not at the moment. It just sounds like a lot of extra work on top of all the other shit they have to deal with on a daily basis jsdcjnd

19.) If they had a theme song, what would it be?

Tarinne and Ylrith are the only ones with a definite theme, but I wanted a song for as many of my ocs as I could muster, so these are songs I heavily associate with them:

CATHALA: Culling Voices by TOOL. The main reason I associate it with her so much is because of that one shot I did a while ago :P This is a case of the overall vibe fitting the character more than the lyrics do. Pretty sure this song is about schizophrenia or something(?) which does not apply to Cathala, HOWEVER the build up is simply exquisite. Effervescent even. And the "Judge, condemn, and banish any and everyone, without evidence, only the whispers from within" line works pretty well because, well, she's angry, and anger is an indiscriminate emotion. She knows she shouldn't, but she is still willing to hurt people only tangentially related to Sylvanas to get the revenge she wants, people who might have had nothing to do with Teldrassil. They don't even have to be associated with Sylvanas, they could just be standing in her way, even unknowingly, and she will go through them if she thinks she has to. And that kids is what we like to call a Big Issue. Also I like to imagine a cool sequence during the Good Part of the song where she's kicking and punching in time with every strum of the guitar because fuck yeah (not sure if "strum" is the best word there but you know what I mean).

CEDRYN: Toss a Coin to Your Witcher from The Witcher series. It's the song that inspired me to make him in the first place. It's great!! I love it!!! Never seen the show but regardless. This is definitely the type of song he likes to sing, and the sort of song he will eventually sing about Cathala and Tarinne after they meet. He thinks his friends are cool and wants to make sure everyone knows that :) And he's like: We're supposed to be keeping a low profile? Oh, no worries! I will simply sing about you louder so everyone is looking at me and not you in the shadowy corner of the tavern. What do you mean that won't work?

JAZTUL: Breezin’ by George Benson fits pretty well skbxjd Songs to sit in your Hawaiian shirt drinking piña coladas to. He's just a chill dude trying to live a chill life on the clusterfuck that is Azeroth.

NORA: I haven't talked much about Nora because I sorta just want to keep her contained in Black Rain for the time being, along with Sairann, but her general deal is that she's a half-human, half-high elf ranger and bounty hunter. She's also the token straight of my ocs. Anyway uh I think Too Much Is Never Enough by Bob Moses works well for her because... well I don't want to say too much but she needs a lot of money and she needs it bad okay.

TARINNE: Foggy Nights by goosetaf. Never has a lofi song given me this much serotonin. I can't put it into words but this song's melody is what would play in the background of the TV show with my ocs when she's first introduced and during important character scenes with her, y'know? And that's the best I can hope for when it comes to finding character themes.

YLRITH: Playground from Arcane. Literally so perfect for her, I lost my entire mind when I heard it for the first time. Even just the opening line "who told you what was down here" is GREAT because she's got this hidden lair in Stormwind behind a tavern or something that only people who know the Password can get into. "Tell me under the table, what do you seek?" and "make me an offer, what will it be?" are ALSO great because ohhohoo does she love making deals. And the "tell me your nightmares and fantasies," "stay for the night, I'll sell you a dream" parts add enough in the way of suggestiveness that it just brings it all together for my favorite Committer of Crimes and her sixteen girlfriends.

I can't think of anything for Rhoskan, Sairann, or Wazkal 💔 but to make up for it I'll plug my current favorite songs which are Ball and Chain by Xavier Rudd and Pigs, Sheep, and Wolves by Paul Simon.

[decayedflower]

Stranger II

⋆ gif is mine

Pairing: Yang Hongwon x Reader

Genre: Underground rapper!Hongwon, Barista!Reader | angst, fluff

Word Count: 5.6k

Summary: Don’t get attached. This was his number one rule. Attachment means getting hurt. Attachment means vulnerability. You are the only person you can trust. So how could she so easily sneak past and break the walls he had worked so hard to build around his heart when all she is, is a stranger?

Warnings: cussing, some angst, hamin being a noodle

A/N: Sorry this took forever to upload, life happens ya know? Next chapter should be more exciting as the ball gets rolling. Hope you guys enjoy :)

You told yourself that no matter how in love you were with someone, you could detach yourself from your emotions enough so that—should the day come—you could live your life without them.

Looking at yourself now, you admit you’re a little ashamed. You couldn’t stop bawling your eyes out for 2 weeks straight. You guess you didn’t do as good a job ‘detaching’ as you thought you did.

You mentally slap yourself. You once lived your life without him bitch, you can do it again. 

It was on a rainy Monday afternoon that you found yourself in bed—cheeto dust on your titties—marathon watching Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok-Joo. Curse Nam Joohyuk. How could a man be so goddamn perfect? He was handsome, funny, loving—and most certainly not a CHEATER. 

You sigh and decide that you should probably get up and shower before Hyeri comes home and sees your miserable state. You feel bad worrying her so much. She’s always been way too kind and selfless for her own good.

You grab a fresh set of pj’s and determinedly head to the bathroom. The least you could do was stop moping and try to clear your thoughts of him. For both your sakes.

Just as you finish that thought, you catch sight of the item sitting on top of your dresser. Your favorite hoodie. His hoodie. You scowl and toss it into the trash bin. If only all men were like Nam Joohyuk. The world would be a much more peaceful place.

“Sooo, hey.”

“Yeah?”

“You know how Princess Peach is always getting her ass kidnapped?”

You laugh at the odd question. “I do recall the kidnapping of the Princess Peach ass, yes.”

“Well, it just hit me. Why doesn’t the bitch ever fight back? I mean,” Jin places a hand on his hip thoughtfully, “how is it that she manages to get kidnapped by the same dude every single time? She’s a princess. Shouldn’t she have high level security?”

“Huh. I never really thought about that.”

“How could you not! She has marshmallows for bodyguards. It’s outrageous.”

“Does it really matter?” you ask.

He sounds genuinely offended. “Of course it does. You ever see Daisy getting kidnapped?”

“Well, no but—“

“Besides, isn’t it a little ridiculous how there’s this expectation that Mario has to save her? I mean, he’s not even a prince or a knight, he’s a plumber! An italian plumber! The amount of disrespect is just astronomical considering the lengths he goes to—”

“Seokjin why are we talking about this?” You ask, baffled. You take a look at your workstation and head to the stockroom to get more large size cups. Jin trails behind you, obviously upset with your lack of interest in the conversation.

 “It’s a legitimate concern, Y/N. Someone needs to pay attention to these details and it is the duty of I, the consumer, to voice the—whoa whoa whoa, since when do we have oatmeal raisin cookies?!” He screeches mid-rant, staring at a pack of cookies he holds in his hand.

You whip around to have a look, not believing your ears. “What the fuck?”

It’s true. The box of oatmeal raisin cookies sits atop the third shelf, right next to the double chocolate chip cookies.

“The boss sent an email out on Sunday,” Yoongi stands at the doorway holding a box of promotional flyers. If it were possible, you swear tumbleweed would have made its way between the three of you with the silence that follows as you and Jin stare at each other blankly.

“Which,” Yoongi drawls out, “I guess neither of you read.” he states dryly, walking away.

“Who the hell likes oatmeal raisin?” Jin asks defensively. Personally, you couldn’t agree more. Oatmeal cookies on their own were tolerable—it was the raisin part that completely ruined the entire cookie.

“They’re Satan’s spawn,” he scowls, tossing the aforementioned cookie back in the box as if it had personally insulted him. You chuckle and shake your head, walking back to your station with the box of plastic cups.

You start stocking them back up on the counter, making sure it looks neat. 

“Hey Jin,” Yoongi calls out from the front of the store, “can you grab that window marker and write out the menu again? The rain washed some of it off.” He says, examining the missing bits of letters, nose scrunched in annoyance.

You could practically hear the way the older boy starts seething at Yoongi’s lack of use in honorifics. The tips of his ears flare a bright red, his eyes wide in disbelief.

“I’M SORRY, COME AGAIN?! I couldn’t hear you over the DISRESPECT.”

Seokjin takes great pride in being the oldest of the crew. He enjoys taking care of the others as if they were of his own blood, you included. He has a somewhat sarcastic sense of humor—but never overbearingly so—always exaggerating his facial expressions and reactions, which you personally find charming. Seokjin is also infamous for his constant dad jokes, the younger ones usually cringing at their cheesiness and have you bending over in laughter. (The other boys beg you to stop egging him on as it only fuels his desire to keep them going.) That being said, Jin is not someone who gets easily irritated. When it comes to certain things, he is just, well, a bit of a drama queen.

You stifle a laugh, watching as Yoongi pinches the bridge of his nose, a heavy sigh leaving his mouth, very obviously regretting his choice of words. “Hyung, will you please go rewrite the menu outside?”

“Thank you! Can’t you just do that from the get go? I swear you kids are so ungrateful sometimes. I mean, you all seem to forget how I practically raised you brats—”

“Hyung, please get your ass outside or so help me I will go into that break room right now, clock out, take the longest nap of my damn life and just leave you two out here to die.” 

“Alright, alright,” he says, putting his hand up, “I’m going geez. What a drama queen.” He huffs his way to the entrance, shaking his head, marker in hand. “And you guys say I’m the dramatic one.” He scoffs, shaking his head.

Yoongi stands there looking up at the ceiling with his hands on both hips as if silently asking the heavens for a tiny shred of patience.

You snicker behind your hand. You swear hearing those two bicker is your daily source of serotonin. 

It’s 3 more hours into your shift when Hamin shows up at the front counter with his signature soft boy smile.

He first visited the cafe during the summer one day back when you had just been hired. The intense summer heat wave had him coming in search of some shelter from the sun and a drink to cool off. The Grind was promoting the seasonal summer drinks and naturally, as a new hire, you tried your best to advertise it. It was only your second day on the job and in your nervous state you sold him a drink that, to just your luck, wasn’t available that day. You apologized profusely afraid that he would turn out to be a Karen, but Hamin had been very sweet about it. He befriended you after that, making frequent visits to the Grind, declaring that he had found a hidden gem.

After talking to him some more you learned that Hamin had studied psychology for two years at a local college before he decided to drop out and pursue his musical career. Of course he didn’t tell you that last part up until a couple of weeks ago, so you had been under the impression that the reason he spent so many hours at the coffee shop was to study for his exams. You weren’t the type of person to pry into someone’s personal life unless they decided to tell you themselves so you never asked. Ever since Hongwon confessed to you that both he and Hamin were working towards becoming musicians, Hamin began to share more about himself to you. He figured that now that the cat was out of the bag, he could be more open with you. Prior to that day, you knew very little about Hamin’s personal life.

“Hey you! You’re back,” you beam. 

“Yeah, gotta grind,” he pats his bag for emphasis. “Ha! Grind...” he snorts suddenly. “Get it? Cause we’re at...” he gestures to the shop and laughs to himself. He looks goofy standing there in his bright lavender tie dye hoodie, a big contrast to the muted colors of the walls. His tall lean form stands out like a sore thumb. An Adidas baseball cap adorns his head but it’s so washed out you can’t even tell what color it is—or is supposed to be. 

You laugh, shaking your head.

“Oh come on, it was funny,” he says, leaning on the counter.

“It was funny the first couple times Jin said it when I just started working here,” You correct.

“You still laughed though,” he winks at you, making you laugh again. “Anyway,” he straightens up, “Can I get the usual, please?”

You grab a cup and start writing his name. “Just you this time?” 

“Nah, my idiot friend is coming but he’s gonna run late so I’ll just order ahead of him.” He sighs, reaching into his pocket in search of his wallet. “How much is it?” He asks, fumbling through a bunch of receipts and cards.

You wave him off. “On the house.”

“No way, I can—”

“Hamin, dude, relax. You do this every time. I keep telling you, discount: friend. Total: zero.” 

“You gotta let me pay every now and then. I don’t want your coworkers to think I keep coming here to leech off you…”

“Look, if you were really taking advantage of me, you wouldn’t keep disappearing on me for weeks at a time. Consider it an advance payment for when you finally let me hear a song of yours. ”

“Sorry…” He smiles sheepishly, “It’s a deal then. Thanks Y/N, you’re the best,” he grins. You flip your hair dramatically, playing along.

You make his drink and note that work is slow enough, so you head over to his table instead of calling him over.

You place his drink on the table, “so what’re you working on today?” He looks up and thanks you, taking a sip before he answers.

“A solo project. I don’t have anything now that’s worth listening to though…” He says dejectedly. Admittedly, he’s been going though somewhat of a writer's block. 

“That’s okay! I didn’t mean to pressure you. Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be glad to give it a listen if you’re still willing to let me. Good music also takes time, right?” You smile encouragingly.

Someone yells out your name before he’s able to respond. You turn at the sound, “Oh hey!” you exclaim when you see your roommate. You turn back to wish Hamin luck on his writing.

“Thanks for the lunch, Hyeri,” you pat your stuffed tummy in satisfaction. “I forgot to prep mine last night so I was honestly just gonna wait until I got home to eat,” you confess meekly.

She showed up during your shift planning to ask you what kind of food you were in the mood for so she could bring it to you, but Yoongi caught on and sent you on your lunch break so the two of you could eat together instead. Min Yoongi was a godsend. 

“I knew it! Y/N, you have to eat your meals! Do you know how detrimental it is to your health if you’re constantly working and skipping your meals?!” you cower as she scolds you. 

“I know…sorry. I just forgot...” you squeak.

“Ugh. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to raise my voice, I just worry about you,” she sighs, taking her seat again.

“And I’m so thankful!” you say quickly placing your hand on hers, “I’m sorry you’re always having to take care of me. I’ll work harder so that I don’t become a burden to you. I promise. I haven’t been myself these days but...just give me some time.”

She grabs your hand with both of hers, “Hey. You’re never a burden to me, Y/N. You’re like a sister to me. And I would never put your emotions against you. You need time to heal and that’s okay. Take it at your pace. I will always look after you, no matter what. Okay?”

Your heart warms at her words. You were so grateful to have her for a best friend. You engulf her in a hug and look at the time. 

“I should head back. My break is just about over. Thank you for everything, Hyeri. Are you staying? I’ll make you a drink. On the house. You can study there?” you ask.

“Well, I was planning on going to my school’s library, but I guess I could use a drink…” She paused for a moment. “Is Jungkook working today?” She asks, hopeful. 

Her crush on your coworker was so amusing. “Unfortunately for you, not today, sorry.” She pouts cutely.

“I’ll make you a green matcha latte?”

“Pretty please.”

You giggle, “Okay, let’s head back then.” 

It was a good thing the two of you decided to eat at the chinese restaurant across the shop, so the walk isn’t long. You came here so often that the kind elderly woman who owned the restaurant had memorized your order. You couldn’t help it that their sweet and sour chicken was bomb as hell. What you would give for that recipe.

You’re internally groaning at the thought of having to go back into work when Hyeri stops in front of the entrance and lets out a low whistle. 

“Whoa, hey. Which one of your coworkers drives a damn motorcycle?!” She points to a sleek, graphite motorcycle parked on the curb, two cars away from yours. 

“Whoa. Uhh...no one, not that I’m aware of. Jin drives a Honda Civic and Yoongi ubers cause of car issues.” You shrug, opening the door. “Must be a customer’s.”

“Well, I don’t know if it’s just me, but that thing is screaming big dick energy.” She says, following behind you. You laugh and smack her shoulder. 

“You say that but what if it’s some old bald dude that listens to metal?” You ask, leading her to a table farther in the back so she can study peacefully. 

“Well err...hopefully not. I’m just saying whoever rides that thing, I wouldn’t mind riding too. Hell, I could ride all night…” she trails off. You bury your embarrassed face in your hands and try to hold in your laughter so you don’t disturb the customers. 

“Oh my god. Stop talking. You’re gonna get me in trouble.” You point at a chair, “Sit here and I’ll bring your drink. Behave,” you warn playfully.

“Yes ma'am,” She winks and points shooter fingers at you. You laugh with a roll of your eyes, heading back to clock in. 

“You seem...distracted.” Hamin says, amusement lacing his words.

“Huh?” Hongwon turns at the accusation with wide eyes.

He sighs. “I mean,” he says crossing his arms, “ever since you got here 15 minutes ago, it’s like you keep looking around for...something.”

“So, you’re saying for the past 15 minutes you’ve been watching me like a creep?” He turns his attention back to the music software in front of him. “I told you I don’t swing that way.” he says, clicking random notes on the half-finished project.

Hamin snorts. “Don’t change the subject. What‘s got you so distracted dude?” He asks, slurping up the remains of his drink through his straw.

“The only distraction here is the eggplant sitting in front of me...” He trails off when you enter the coffee shop with your friend in tow. You’re laughing, giving her a smack on the shoulder playfully at a joke she tells you.

Hamin stops his obnoxious slurping when he follows his friend’s gaze. “Ohhhhh!” he grins.

“What?” He snaps. “No ohhhh. Whatever you’re thinking, stop it right now.”

“I’m not thinking anything.” Hamin brings his hands up defensively. “Brain empty. No thoughts.” He taps the side of his head with his index finger. “Buuuttt if you were so interested you could’ve just asked, you know.”

“And what would I have asked exactly?” He asks with a tinge of annoyance.

Hamin tsks under his breath, exasperated. “Oh come on. I mean Y/N. You wanted to know if she was working. Am I right or am I right?”

“Why the hell would I wanna know that? I don’t even know her. ”

“Hongwon!” He’s caught off guard at the sound of your voice. He internally slams his own head against the table and forces a smile when you approach the table, avoiding Hamin’s gaze.

“Y/N, hey…”

“Hold on, you know each other already?” Hamin asks obnoxiously, “I only briefly mentioned you to him, but you already know his name!” Hongwon shoots daggers at the side of his head.

“Actually,” Hongwon says through gritted teeth, “we talked for a bit when I was on my way out the other day. It would have been rude of me to not introduce myself since she’s your friend.”

“He was even kind enough to walk with me on the way home even though it was raining. Thanks for that by the way, you really didn’t have to do that.”  Hamin’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. Shit. The smile you give him is so sincere that he almost misses what you say completely.

“Really!” Hamin grins, clearly enjoying the situation. He pats his shorter friend’s head in mock endearment. “That’s so sweet of him! I mean, considering he lives in a completely opposite di—” Hongwon sends a swift kick to his shin underneath the table.

“Fuck!” Hamin rubs the spot and laughs through the gritted teeth. “I mean...that’s sweet of him considering he’s normally so shy.” He growls at Hongwon and plasters a smile when he looks back at you. You probably think they’re both lunatics.

“Right…” You laugh, unsure of what’s happening. “By the way, did you want a drink? I’ll make it for you.” You tell Hongwon.

“Oh, uh yeah I was just gonna get an americano. Let me just—” He starts to stand up and take out some cash when you stop him.

“Are you sure that’s okay?” He asks. “I don’t want to get you in trouble…”

“Don’t worry, I get free drinks and pastries since I work here.” You say.

“And she shares them with me because I’m her favorite customer. Right, Y/N?” Hamin wiggles his eyebrows at you. You laugh and pick up his empty cup.

“Is he always this much of a moron when he comes here?” Hongwon asks, scrunching his face in distaste. You laugh and ask them to wait while you bring them coffee. 

Hamin waits until you’re completely out of ear shot before he begins his interrogation. 

“You know, for a pair of strangers, you two seem very well acquainted.” He states, eyes narrowed.

Hongwon scoffs. “You know, I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this but somehow you have a really punchable face.”

“I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this, but you’re a terrible liar.”

“Oh shut up. I didn’t lie. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think I needed to.”

“‘I don’t even know her,’” Hamin mimics.

“I don’t know her. I know her name, that’s it. Not the same thing.”

“So you like her.”

He laughs. “What are you, five? How could I like her? I just met her, idiot.”

“You walked her home.” He says pointedly.

“Part way. I only did it because it was getting late and she’s your friend.”

“Ha! Since when do you care about my friends?”

“She’s a girl, it’s different. If something happened to her because I looked the other way, it’d be on my conscience.”

“You live in completely opposite directions.”

“So what?”

“You wouldn’t even do that for me.” Hamin deadpans.

“Yeah but you’re not a cute girl.” He shrugs, crossing his arms.

“So you think she’s cute!” He slams both hands onto the table, leaning forward to peer into Hongwon’s face accusingly. 

“So what? She is cute.” He shoves him away, “that doesn’t mean I like her.”

“Hmm. Okay.” Hamin smirks and leans back in his seat.

“What?” He snaps.

“Nothing,” He says with a look on his face that screams everything but nothing.

Hongwon drags his hands over his face. “You really piss me off, you know that?”

“You may have mentioned that before,” he replies, appearing unbothered.

He’s lucky you decide to come back at that moment. He swears he’d have slapped the smile off his face had he been left alone with Hamin for a minute longer.

You set down the coffee and start to walk back to the counter. “Well, I shouldn’t bother you guys too much so I’ll leave you to it.”

“Wait, Y/N!” Hamin shifts in his seat to face you. “Are you busy Friday?” This puts Hongwon on alert.

 “Hmmm...no, I don’t think I have anything going on actually. Why what’s up?”

“You’ve been wanting to hear some of our music for a while now, right? Well,” he loops an arm around Hongwon’s shoulder, “guess who has a gig that night?”

“No way!” You squeal, covering your mouth with both hands. “Wait, but I thought you didn’t have any music that’s finished.” You frown.

“Well, it’s not that we don’t, I just kinda wanted you to hear our new stuff first. But now that I think about it, this is as good a time as any. If you’re interested, a friend of ours is hosting a party and he asked a couple of artists to play for him. It’s at the Henz Club.” 

“You mean that scary looking club in Mapo-gu?”

“Scary? I mean sure, some odd looking people hang around there, but they’re all pretty chill for the most part. Right Hongwon?” 

Hongwon slaps his arm away. “Right. Well, you’re welcome to come but you don’t have to if you’re uncomfortable.” He supplies. “We’d understand if—oof!”

“Nonsense!” Hamin butts in, shoving his elbow into Hongwon’s side. “You can bring your friend over there if you want, so you don’t have to worry about being alone.” He motions his head in the direction of Hyeri who—not so discreetly—pretends like she hasn’t been trying to make out what the three of you have been talking about for the past 10 minutes.

“Ah, but either way we won’t ditch you after the performance, I promise. How about it?”

Hongwon is still recovering from having the wind knocked out of his lungs and before he knows it, somehow you’re agreeing and Hamin is giving you the details. 

“I’m so excited, I can’t wait to hear you guys.” You say cheerfully. 

“You should see this guy on stage,” Hamin gestures to Hongwon, “he really puts on a show. Like a true rockstar.”

 “You know, you saying that doesn’t make me feel good,” Hongwon says with a frown, sitting back in his chair defeatedly. 

 “Oh and don’t be surprised if you hear a lot of screaming.” He ignores him, “There’s always a lot of fangirls, especially for Hongwon. They literally come in swarms, it's crazy.”

“Oh my god. Stop. You’re so embarrassing.” He groans, looking away.

“Wow, you’re really hyping him up,” you laugh.

“Ignore him. He’s just saying whatever the hell he wants.” 

“No way, it’s really the truth.” He insists, folding his arms across his chest.

“Y/N! We need you in the back!” Yoongi calls out, his head poking out from the staff only door. 

“I gotta go. I guess I’ll see you guys on Friday!” You say, waving. “Coming!” You call out, following after your coworker.

Hamin smiles stupidly as you leave. “Isn’t she sweet!”

Hamin and Hongwon hang around at the café for a few more hours until they decide to grab a bite to eat. For the remainder of the time they spent working on their music, Hongwon had not uttered a single word. The most Hamin had gotten out of him was a “sure” when he suggested they get burgers before heading home.

He exits his car, watching as Hongwon removes his helmet to fix the mess it makes of his hair. 

Sighing deeply, Hamin leans against the side of his car, hitting the park button on his remote. “Come on, don’t be so cold. How long are you gonna give me the silent treatment for?” 

He slips his hands into the pockets of his jeans, dreading to ask but needing to know. “Are you really that pissed off because I invited her?”

Hongwon slips the hollow side of his helmet onto the handlebar and mimics Hamin, leaning against his motorcycle. “Depends,” he says, taking out a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket to light one up, “why’d you invite her?”

Hamin considers his answer carefully, shifting his weight onto the other leg. It’s obvious that Hongwon is already upset, so anything he says will probably get him angry anyway. “I was hoping maybe you guys could hit off,” he says at last, deciding to be honest.

In truth, Hongwon isn’t surprised to hear this—he actually suspected it—but it still pisses him off nonetheless. It wasn’t the first time Hamin tried setting him up with someone. He wasn’t looking for a relationship. This was something he had told him countless times and yet, he continues to pull stunts like this.

“I know you said you aren’t looking for a relationship,” Hamin continues when he proceeds to bring the cigarette to his lips without a reply, “but I just think you could at least talk to her and—“

“And then what? We fall in love, get married and ride off into the sunset?” He cuts him off abruptly.

“No, I just—“ he starts to say but stops when he can’t think of how to word it correctly.

“I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking Y/N went through a bad breakup, and so did I. You think maybe the two of us can find the comfort we couldn’t find with our previous relationships, in each other.” He pauses to take a drag of his cigarette. 

“I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but that's a load of shit. This idea you have that love can just make me forget about all my trauma, is a load of shit.” Hamin flinches at the sudden aggression in his tone. This really didn’t come across the way he intended it to.

“Guess what, I’m fucked up Hamin!” He continues, raking a frustrated hand through his hair. “I have too many damn issues and I don’t need some chick to try to figure me out or fix me. I told you already, I’m happy with the way things are. I’m not gonna play into your stupid games just because you want to play fuckin’ cupid.” Hongwon scowls, taking another drag of his cigarette.

Hamin keeps his gaze on the ground, frustrated with how easily and accurately Hongwon is able to guess what he’s thinking. He didn’t realize how terrible it all sounded out loud. He racks his brain for something—anything—to say and argue that those aren’t his intentions, but Hongwon is speaking again before he’s able to do so successfully. 

“I don’t care if you invite her. Just don’t go expecting anything out of me.”

He nods his head weakly. “I didn’t mean for it to sound like that, bro…” He says scratching his neck, “I’m not trying to find someone to fix you...” he trails off.

“It’s cool.” He sniffles, the cold air getting to him. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to snap like that.”

Hamin is taken aback for a second, not expecting him to apologize. He kicks the floor with his sneaker, “S’cool.”

“You still hungry?” Hamin asks, afraid that their little spat would create unnecessary tension between them.

Hongwon tosses his cigarette onto the floor to put it out with his sneaker. “Fuckin’ starving.”

You went home together with Hyeri later that afternoon once your shift was over. It was always nice to go home when the sun was setting and the air felt cooler. You loved how quiet the city got, allowing you to simply be one with your thoughts. 

Unfortunately for you, today was not one of those days.

You release a sigh as you continue to pretend to not notice Hyeri’s constant fidgeting. “Hyeri, if you want to know so badly just ask already.”

She releases a giant breath as if she had been holding it this entire time. “Oh thank goodness because I felt like I was actually going to die if you didn’t say something soon,” she says grabbing your arm excitedly, like a puppy who was just called over by its owner. 

“What were you doing with those two hotties I’ve never seen before?” You couldn’t tell what made her more excited―the fact that she found them so attractive or the fact that you were talking to men other than your coworkers. “Is one of them single?” she stops walking and gasps, “Are they both single?!”

An older lady walking her Chihuahua gives you a scornful look as she passes the two of you and you bring your finger to your lips to shush Hyeri. “Sorry,” she says with a giggle, “but this is huge!”

You pull her along with you to cross the short crosswalk and to the steps of your apartment complex, “It’s not a big deal. Besides, you’ve seen Hamin before.” You say, slipping your house key into the lock and opening the door.

“Okay but, this time there was another guy too. And you guys talked for like 20 minutes! On your shift!” She says, removing her shoes quickly to stand in front of you excitedly. You stop untying your shoelaces to give her a look.

“He’s a friend I made through Hamin. Who is also just my friend,” You tell her slowly as if you were explaining it to a child but you can tell by her smile that she’s not listening. You sigh and slip your work shoes off, putting them in the hallway closet. Hyeri hovers behind you, not wanting to be too pushy but also too worked up to leave you alone.

You stand up straight and turn around. “Okay fine. Hamin invited me to this party,” this already has Hyeri clasping her hands over mouth, “he and his friend are playing a gig for a friend—”

She’s squealing and jumping around before you can finish your sentence. “And they want you there as their plus one! Oh my—”

“But I think Hamin knows about the breakup and he feels bad and that’s why he invited me,” you say quickly. Hyeri stops mid spin to give you an incredulous look. “I mean, they kind of saw the whole thing since it happened at work,” you say glumly.

Hyeri wraps her arms around you when she sees how you deflate at the reminder. “Hey, don’t make such a sad face. You guys have been friends for a while now, right? I haven’t met the guy but I’m sure he invited you because he wants you there and not because he pities you.”

“Sorry. I think I’ve been trying too hard not to think about it so all the negative thoughts are really hitting me now,” you say, resting your head on her shoulder. She always had such a comforting mom warmth to her.

She releases you and gives you a comforting smile. “Do you want to go?”

“Well,” you sit on your bed exhausted, “I actually didn’t know Hamin played music until recently. I’ve really been wanting to hear some of his stuff and apparently his friend does music too..”

“Girl, there’s your answer! Who says you have to spend your days sad and alone after a breakup? If you want to go, go.” She encourages you. She had a point. Although somewhere in the back of your mind, you felt guilty. When Hamin invited you, you were super stoked and set on going but now that you were really thinking about it, you couldn’t help but think of Jaewon.

“I can tell you’re overthinking this,” Hyeri says. “Don’t. You’re a free woman! Free from a man who took advantage of you and didn’t know how to treasure you. Do whatever the fuck you want because it’s no one’s business. It’s not like you’re planning to go sleep around.” She crosses her arms across her chest, “and even if you are guess what, it’s still no one’s business.” She says vehemently.

You pick at your nails and bite your lip. “Okay.”

“Okay?!”

“Yeah, I’ll go.”

She squeals again and launches herself onto you. You land with an oof on your bed, her head barely missing yours by an arm hair. “Oh, one more thing though,” you manage to say from beneath her. “They kind of invited you too.”

Hyeri lifts herself up at this. She stares at you with wide eyes, “what do you mean?”

“I guess they saw us talking together and figured we were friends. Also, they caught you trying to eavesdrop on our conversation.” You tell her.

“Nooooooooooo,” she cries and runs to throw herself onto her bed face flat.

“It was the hiding behind an upside down textbook for me,” you snicker.

“Y/N, please I’m in the middle of dying of embarrassment.”

[auritracen]

On how I was distracted

I thought long and hard (how long and hard could a person sedated on 30mg of oxazepam think?) about documenting this, and decided tumblr’s the only half-decent place to post this without giving myself away. 

I had breakfast yesterday morning at approximately ten, then took my daily dose of 60mg duloxetine. The pills had an enteric coating, as the naphthol moiety of duloxetine is clearly quite labile under the strongly acidic conditions of the stomach. This delayed the absorption of duloxetine by several hours, accounting for the time lapse.

I went to a shopping mall to self-study an infamous topic known as nuclear magnetic resonance. Progressing down the rabbit hole of calculus, I became increasingly agitated, accompanied by several trips to the toilet.

Where there was a toilet trip I pinched my thighs to alleviate the mental agitation, I came back. The dude who sat next to me slowly stood up, after shifting uncomfortably. He looked oddly sheepish, a look that hilariously contrasted with his emo dressing style.

“Er,” he hesitated, “I’m sorry for knocking your drink over. I’m buying you a new one.”

It’s just a drink, man. Easy there. “No need.” I insisted. Though the emphasis wasn’t the most necessary. “Really.”

“No.” He frowned, motioning to his phone screen, where the order for an identical cup was displayed. He moved closer to me, while I twitched, twitched, twitched. Involuntarily.

Fucking hell. And - fucking embarrassing.

I shrugged, my muscles still twitching. A twitch-shrug. “If you’re feeling so bad, just pay me ten *insert currency*.”

The guy looked at me as if I had a brain fart. Dude. That’s how my brain works. By continuously farting. He gave me an incredulous stare, lifting a finger, then placed the order.

The new cup came. Time passed, and the symptoms became more severe. Stoke’s theorem, magnetic moments. Whatever flying clusterfuck of multivariable calculus electrodynamics contains. I tried writing down the Levi-Civita symbol with an epsilon, and the involuntary muscle twitching is making it extremely hard.

By the time I got to indicing a tensor after writing down the proof it was antisymmetric, the i-j-k indices were snaking. I decided then, fuck it. This was definitely caused by my SNRI.

My brain put two and two together. Duloxetine, and a medical case I read very casually about someone who OD’d on fluoxetine, who was hospitalised due to serotonin syndrome. As I was having severe muscle twitching in my torso and legs - was quite severely disabled due to the situation, thank you - I immediatelly called my parents to bring me my 14 pills of 15 mg oxazepam. I read it somewhere a long while ago that benzodiazepines are muscle relaxants, maybe its CNS depressant effects can halt the symptoms into a more easily managed state.

My mom was on her way back home from the hospital to pick up the results of a blood test from earlier the morning regarding her kidney function. After hearing my call, she became more panicked than I am. It was understandable, but not really necessary. If serotonin syndrome had put me in critical danger, I would’ve been in an ER bed instead of sitting in a Starbucks.

Ten minutes later, she called me. Her voice was shaking. I told her the location of the Starbucks. After she arrived, I explained in the easiest words on what was happening, while twitching all the way. She then collected the oxazepam from my dad, handing the blister pack to me.

30 mgs and an hour later, the neuromuscular symptoms were curbed. Thank you, benzos.

Here’s a screenshot of a cute little rotating reference frame in NMR to make you, the unfortunate person who comes across this post, better.