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Roster Criticisms with Drunk Uncle Jenks: East Division

By Nicholas Jenkins

Alright boys I’m about four pumpkin beers deep and Uncle Jenkins has a lot of shit to dish out so let’s get this started.

EAST DIVISION

Show Me UR TD’s 

Show me ur TD’s huh? Funny name Angelo, the school year just started, are you enjoying the fifth grade? Jesus. Despite have zero connection to the team except for seeing “Rocky” one time; there is a heavy Philadelphia influence on this roster. Hopefully Demarco Murray can adjust to his new home or else our ginger friend might be struggling this season. Hopefully his quarterbacks can make an impact; let’s take a look. Oh Tom Brady he’s won a few Super Bowls that coul--WHOOPS he might be suspended for the first FOUR games of the season. That’s a fourth of the season bruh, figure it out. (Editor’s Note as of 9/3/15 at 9:39 am upon hearing news of Brady Appeal: lol). That’s okay though we have a few reserves here… Oh yeah Alex Smith he’s okay if you’re okay with him throwing ZERO touchdowns to his receivers last season. Oh Mark Sanchez that’s nice… he’s had some success in Phil-WHOOPS he’s backing up Sam Bradford! Lastly, I wouldn’t be so stoked about Brandon Marshall, he’s catching passes from Ryan Fitzpatrick, woof.

Grade: D

The Allfather

The Allfather huh? Where’d you get that name? From the…Toilet Store? Okay Nick let’s hang up that joke for another day alright? Not a bad roster you get here ole’ Johnny GIFboy. I’ve got a rock hard boner for your Wide Receiving core, and I’m as jealous as Kris Jenner is of her whore Daughter, Kim, with your Latavius Murray pickup. However, keep Fat Face Bitch Tits Ben Roethlisberger out of the tavern bathrooms and away from promiscuous women or else there’s going to be trouble. Seriously, that guy is definitely a starter for the All Fat Faces Team. Phil Kessel and Matthew Stafford being his teammates of course.

Grade: B+

My Name’s Rob and I Like to Party

Oh boy, what can I say about the one and only Tyler Wahl? Try as he might, Tyler could not make it to the draft on time despite Jon Lenz’ NUMEROUS reminders to the front page of our Facebook wall, going as far to post each individual time zone (including European time just in case). Therefore, he has a dreaded autodraft team. Tyler however was able to secure probably the most underrated player in the draft and perhaps all of professional sports; Sebastian “Kick his ass Seabass” Janikowski. I have complete confidence that Tyler will screw up his lineup and it will come down to the foot of the great one, and that’s a compliment.

Grade: A-

Team Hanson

Jesus Christ. God Damnit. Is it that hard to get out of the shower, fire up the internet and draft a motherfucking fantasy football team? TWO years in a row that is apparently the case for Cody Hansen. The funny part is, the dumbshit computer started drafting reserves before Cody had his Quarterback, Kicker and Tight End position filled! Laugh out fucking loud. The skill position players are solid, but god help any team lead by Jay Cutler. Doesn’t matter, if Cody starts winning, I’ll bitch and moan all season about this auto draft business just to make ole Drunk Uncle Jenkins feel better about himself. All who concur feel free to follow me, plenty of room on the whambulance.

Grade: C

Team Donner

Okay Donner, I’ll give you a break on this one. I’ve been skull fucking you all season in fantasy baseball and you must be mentally drained from all the cum in and around your brain. I’m trying to believe in your roster but I just can’t. You’re working with two largely unproven runningbacks on scruby teams. DJack is having Kirk Cousins throwing him footballs, and your two other Wideouts just wouldn’t be that great if they didn’t have phenomenal quarterbacks on their team. Not to mention Julius Thomas just went under the fucking knife, so you’ll have to slum it with Heath Miller for the next four weeks minimum. Also, could someone put a bullet in Peyton already? Dude’s like 50 and legitimately doesn’t have any feeling left in his fingers. Can’t even dial the phone to order Papa John’s pizza anymore, what a shame. Wow Nick, picking on the Bronco's again, real classy…

Grade: D+++++++ 

(editor’s note: Jenks, you can give an F) 

Ease in it, Don’t Forsett

Ease It In, Don’t Forsett….LOL great team name, hope you actually got the player with that namesake on the roster…. Honestly, I’m torn on this squad. On one hand, this roster is full of talented, charismatic, and dominant players that come from a very classy organization located in a beautiful city that is home to the classiest fans in the NFL. On the other hand, these players were drafted out of spite, so fuck that. Outside of the brilliant Seahawks players…Golden Tate is motivated as always so that’s nice, but Frank Gore & Marques Colston might as well be corpses dressed up in football pads just sent onto the field hoping the wind blows them into the endzone. Rest of it is trash. Host steaming trash.

P.S. Who the fuck has two kickers on their team? Piss poor coaching IMHO.

Grade: B-

(Final Editor’s Note: This article was written by a guest contributor and does not necessarily reflect the opinions of this site. Also, Drunk Uncle Jenks is hilarious)