menof115-blog

[menof115-blog]

Week 1 Results Pt. 2

By Jonathan Lenz and Reed Baker

Johnny Clipboard: 72, Ease in it, Don’t Forsett 66

In this week’s battle of the shits, Reed pinched by Mike by a single loaf. Despite admirable strategies and high expectations, both of these lineups sucked worse than Caitlyn Jenner’s acceptance speech at the ESPY’s.

Optimal Lineup Analysis:

Johnny Clipboard: 89

Reed’s safe bet on starting a college educated caveman at quarterback over Teddy Throwsevelt turned out to be one of the more high points on his poor management skills. Against a stout (and soon to be bandwagoned) Buffalo Williams Team, Reed received more of an overly hairy Andrew Luck with cable instead of the normal overly hairy Andrew Luck with DirectTV. Not starting Kendall Wright over a KC receiver turned out to be a poor, poor move on BurReedO’s part, but honestly, who the fuck thought the Humble Hawaiian would throw for 4 TD’s in his NFL debut? No one. However, rest assured, we can expect Reedy to have some more points--Sammy Watkins won’t be that bad every week. I would only hope he does not rely on Matt as his Forté for the rest of the year.

Ease in it, Don’t Forsett: 71

Mike could have done 5 points better had he selected a his better kicker and defense. However, even his best lineup wouldn’t have beaten Reed. His reliance on Seahawks studs with a shady O-Line against the Ram’s defense at home in a division rival game turned out to be the best part of his terrible week. Time will tell if his boom-or-bust strategy will work in the end. If things don’t turn around quickly with other glaring holes on the roster (2 defenses and 2 kickers, really?), expect Mike to be a favorite for entry into the Kicker Bowl.

Impression: Reed walked away with the W, Mike did not. Tide goes in, tide comes out. You can’t explain that.

Speaking of ESPY speeches, Coach Jimmy V, reminds us every year in his legendary speech to Laugh, Cry, and Spend time in thought everyday. After analyzing this last week’s matchup between these two men, I spent myself thinking about laughing myself to tears.  However, it’s only the first week boys, “Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up.”.

Team Barnicoat (Team 10): 87, Darth Flator 96

Queeves’ evil reign has begun. Are we hearing the death rattles among the Men of the 115? Or has Barney’s loss signified a meager sacrifice to the dark lord? After a fairly close bout, Jonathon comes out victorious against a relative rook in Tyler B. Let’s find out why.

Optimal Lineup Analysis:

Team Barnicoat: 106

Tyler actually managed to boast a decent starting roster this last week. The Ameer Abdullah hype train showed no signs of an early derailing. Full steam ahead! Double digits from 5 of his 9 starters is exactly what one aims for week to week. Unfortunately, as nice as the starters looked, Barnicoat’s team looked like the equivalent of helm’s deep’s moat. One glaring miscalculation cost everything as Sgt. Purple Dinosaur started an old, declining K Adam Vinatieri over promising kicker Brandon McManus, costing him a HUGE 19 pt swing. Ugh. 

Darth Flator: 111

The dark lord’s team is strong this year, but choosing who to start will be his primary concern and possible downfall. While also laughably having 2 defenses and 2 kickers on his roster, Queeves value is displayed through a strong trio of running backs. Whether their consistency increase or decrease throughout the year remains to be seen, but Queeves will probably put up a solid 90 points give or take 10 every week. Other opponents should be concerned with maximizing their gameday roster decisions to beat his consistency.

Impression: Despite putting up a decent fight against the evil one, Barnicoat’s “meh” first week has a huge problem--his bench manages to be funnier than Donald Trump. In fact, Tyler embodies the spirit of Donald Trump--he has no idea what he’s doing. I expect Queeves will fair well in the west division this year as he is the favorite and returning champion.

Purple Jenk: 94, Bremerton Rumrunners 79

Optimal Lineup Analysis:

Purple Jenk: 100

Drunk Uncle Jenks had arguably one of the best management jobs out there this week with a good point total of 94 out of a possible 100. Maximizing his points was a huge factor because every little tick on the scoreboard could have easily been in Perry’s favor. An unfortunate injury to Dez did not matter to Jenks, as his studs in Gronk and Tony Romo (lol) picked up the slack, with 22 and 27 points respectively. His only miscue was not putting a TE at flex over a wide receiver, but I legitimately cannot argue with his decision.

Bremerton Rumrunners: 138

Oh man. I am both equally scared and feel sorry for Perry’s team, much like how I talk about the Rams’ seasons for the past couple of years (last week, sigh). At first glance, Perry’s starters looked like great choices, but after the week 1 chaos, playing crucial bench players could have made his team a fucking force of nature. Perry could have absolutely annihilated Jenks with a 59 point swing had he picked his most optimal lineup, but as fate would have it, the gangly drunk stutterer had the last laugh.

Impression: Despite a poor first week from Coach Huff, expect a strong season from the Rumrunners if Perry can fine tune his management. Jenks’ team features consistent studs with some proneness to injury. Health will be his primary concern. I expect a tight race between Nick, Queeves, and Perry for the West division this season.

[menof115-blog]

Week 1 Results Pt. 1

By Reed Baker and Jonathan Lenz

My name’s Rob I like to Party: 57, Team Donner 71

In a stunning display of one-and-done, Team donner took down My name’s Rob I like to Party in a week one matchup where neither team altered their lineup after the draft. Though both teams had the tenacity, nay, the apathy to keep players who would not play a down of football in week one, this matchup was a close one where a few underperforming athletes resulted in Tyler forfeiting a victory.

Optimal Lineup Analysis:

My name’s Rob I like to Party: 101 Tyler gave up his chance to turn any heads in fantasy football this year the moment he draft Cam Newton. By starting the least consistent quarterback whose ESPN ranking is high enough to catch Wahl’s attention, Tyler sacrificed 8 crucial points that he would have added to his score by starting a more consistent, albeit less dynamic Philip Rivers. Tyler also made the mistake of starting a Tight End who only scored 31 fantasy points in the entire 2014 season. One thing’s for sure, Tyler is determined to stick to his guns, even if those “guns” are shitting the bed every goddamn week by trusting names that were impressive five years ago.

Team donner: 99 While law school student and noted Zach Galifinakis lookalike Ben Donner certainly could have improved his overall score with some roster shuffling, hindsight is 20/20, and I can’t say I blame “Don”key Kong for his starting lineup. Ben’s team took a big hit with DeSean Jackson pulling a hamstring in the first quarter, which leaves Don Corleone with a decision: wait 3-4 weeks for a shady WR2 who might put up a touchdown every third week, or hit the waiver wire? We all know Ben would never bench the quarterback of his cherished Broncos, Poutine Manwich, so expect overachieving Carson Palmer to ride the bench until week 7, where Palmer will maybe put up 10 points against a stout Baltimore defense. Look for Team donner’s weekly score to fluctuate based entirely on the performance of Praline Muffin, as his vapid RBs and WRs proved in week one that they are not above giving Donner a one-way ticket to the consolation bracket.

Impression: A few major mistakes prove more devastating than bad luck. A solid win for Donner, and Tyler Wahl did what he does best: losing fantasy football games.

Team Siri: 103, Team Skinner 102

Two of the top 3 scoring teams had the misfortune of taking each other on in week 1, with Team Siri edging out the scrappy Team Skinner by one point. One measly point! One ten-yard scramble. A forced fumble. This game was won by a very small margin, putting Skinner on everyone’s radar as a serious contender this year.

Optimal Lineup Analysis:

Team Siri: 104 While Team Siri’s final score is impressively close to its optimal score, here are a few things to keep in mind: 1. Three of the players on Siri’s bench scored 0 points. 2. Three of the players on Siri’s bench are at least second-stringers, each scoring less than ten points. 3. The remaining player on Siri’s bench plays for the Jaguars, and is therefore terrible. Team Siri’s bench scored a combined 21 points this weekend, but who is surprised when a computer system makes your decisions for you and also decides that the Vikings defense is a good decision.

Team Skinner: 111 Team Skinner’s chance to win this week was completely reliant on Nick’s starting QB, and much like Donner, choosing the well-established quarterback proved fatal in pretend football. The offensive explosion of rookie Marcus Mariota would have led Team Skinner to victory in this week 1 bout between iRobot and the Incredible Hulk, but caution took Nick’s hopes to the wind, plummeting Team Skinner to 0-1.

Impression: Skinner’s narrow loss to Team Siri has given the rest of the 115 hops as the fantasy football season rages on. While Team Siri’s 103 points proved too tough to beat in week 1, looming bye weeks and an unchanging lineup reinforces the hope of micromanagers league-wide. On top of that, Team Skinner proved up to the task of being a big-time threat in the league’s standings. Keep an eye on him as we start week 2.

Team Bird Season: 124, The Allfather 86

Jesus. Tittyfucking. Christ. True to the form of his 2013 squad, Angelo went off on everyone’s favorite Bigfoot-looking motherfucker, Jon Lenz. In true don’t-ask-don’t-tell fashion, Angelo drugged Lenz, dragged him behind the toolshed, tightened up some zipties, and force-fed Lenzy a one-way ticket to pound town. With no layovers.

Optimal Lineup Analysis:

Team Bird Season: 143

Angelo’s team of borderline superheroes had very little room for improvement this week, with only Ang’s choice of defense and a single WR to blame. Offensive clinics from Carlos Hyde (who was playing the fucking Vikings) and Tom Brady (against a lackluster Steelers defense) spearheaded the runaway victory of week 1. Here’s the deal though: it won’t happen again. You honestly think Jeremy Hill is going to put up 18 points a week? As soon as Brady faces a decent secondary, he’ll be back down to his 16 point weeks. Carlos Hyde is going to suffer when the 49ers play a real team and have to throw the ball to play catch up.

The Allfather: 97

“You know, my kicker got cut, so I should probably add a new one to my roster and not fucking start him. That should do the trick.” –Jon Lenz. Everyone was hoping for Lenz to lose by one less point than his kicker scored to put the Nelson-from-the-Simpsons style “HA-HA!” finish to the week, but we were all nabbed from the opportunity when AP came back strong by remembering he plays for the goddamn Vikings, rushing for a total of 31 yards, and receiving for only 21 more. Lenz experiences week 1 when he will all season: a lack of a RB2 with no replacements in sight. Latavius Murray? A joke. Guy plays for the Raiders, who aren’t going to run the ball all season. Ryan Matthews? Behind DeMarco Murry. David Cobb? Hurt. Isaiah Crowell? lol plays for the Browns. Cameron Artis-Payne? No one even knows who the fuck that is. Lenz needs to hit the waiver wire if he wants to put up any sort of consistent win streak this year.

Impression: A huge week from the stars of Team Bird Season highlight the weaknesses of the Allfather to start off the season. Look for micromanaging and an injury to euthanize Angelo’s team by week 10, and a lack of depth to keep Lenz hovering below .500 unless he makes a move and makes it soon.

[menof115-blog]

Week 1 Matchups

By Reed Baker

Week 1: A New Hope

Seven months ago, the football world stared in awe as Malcolm Butler made a miraculous play that would forever change his future, though it was only foreshadowing for the shit show that is the 2015 Fantasy Football League of the 115. Older and wiser than we’ve ever been, the men of the 115 have made decisions that would make even Kim Davis raise her eyebrow. With the dust settling from the initial draft and our proverbial football chubs transform into glorious, girthy erections, let’s delve into the details of our week 1 matchups.

MATCHUP 1: Team “Siri” Hanson vs. Team Skinner

Last year, Team Siri took the 115 Fantasy football league by storm by bending us over a barrel and showing us the 50 states. With a new season of pretend football comes a new season of micromanagement and questionable decisions. Will Team Skinner crush Team Siri with the might of at least 30 Justin Biebers? Only time will tell.

Team Siri aims to please this year with a lineup that will undoubtedly never change. While Siri’s WR1 and RB1 slots will put up solid points every week, questionable late pickups in Smokin’ Jay Cutler, Vikings D/ST and Kyle Rudolph may give real human beings the opportunity to overcome ESPN’s predraft rankings.

The newly named Team Skinner shows a little more overall depth than its adversary, but with RB Melvin Gordon facing at least 4 weeks of limited snaps and his kicker riding the free agent train, Team Skinner’s task turns a molehill into a mountain. Only a big week from Green Bay RB Eddie Lacy (who is taking on a lackluster Bears defense) and a decent week for Julio Jones and respective QB Matt Ryan can save him.

JON GRUDEN’S GRINDERS TO WATCH AND OUTCOME: I’ve been looking forward to this matchup since I led the Buccaneers to a Super Bowl win. If you were to put the catch radiuses of Antonio Brown and Alshon Jeffrey next to each other, it’d look like a pair of huge, honking titties. On the other hand, starting a kicker who isn’t employed by an NFL team takes some fat, hairy balls. So the question becomes, gentlemen: tits or balls? To confirm my masculinity, I’m going to go with tits. 98-84 in favor of Team Siri.

MATCHUP 2: Team Barnicoat vs. Darth flator

A Rocky-esque style matchup pops up in week one action. The defending champion takes on the newbie. David vs Goliath. Well, those comparisons would be valid if Queeves drafted with 1/8 the sense that he did last year. Look at this matchup with more of a Beavis and Butthead mindset, and that should give you a better idea of what’s going on behind the scenes.

Team Barnicoat comes screaming out of the draft with a 2011 over-the-hill dream team. Odell Beckham’s sophomore slump is due any week now, and Drew Brees is a few dick pics and a couple retirements away from morphing into Brett Favre. With the status of his running backs even starting for their teams in question, Barney’s hopes of victory lie in touchdowns for each of his receivers…which is about as probable as the 49ers removing the permanent butt plugs off every seat in Levi’s Stadium.

After picking up the best quarterback in the NFL, Queeves immediately and bravely benched him for the greasy bell pepper known as Colin Kaepernick. Upon arriving in Butte, this man obviously drank the kool-aid and is probably pregnant. Greg Olsen plays for a team that made the playoffs there, much like North Korea brags it made it to the FIFA world cup. Stephen Gostkowski is busy kicking Belicheck’s deflated balls in the middle of the Arctic tundra, and Chris Ivory is about as useful as Kurtz’s warehouses in the middle of the goddamn jungle (that’s a Heart of Darkness joke, you fucking idiots).

JON GRUDEN’S GRINDERS TO WATCH AND OUTCOME: Two words: Larry Fitzgerald. Here’s a guy who has been flying under the radar for the last 5 years, waiting for his moment to shine, and that time is now. The Cardinals are a middle-of-the-road team with middle-of-the-road players. Tell you what, Bob, I love playing in the middle of the road, and I love Fitz. The Legion of Boom is a huge asset for any team, but at the end of the day, defense wins championships, not fantasy football games. Team Barnicoat wins 83-72.

MATCHUP 3: Purple Jenk vs. Bremerton Rumrunners

The balls of the west division stick to the inner thighs of week 1 in our third matchup against the #1 Kicker Bowl contender. So insistent on proving everyone wrong, Jenks justified pairing one of the best wide receivers in the NFL with the original noodle arm: Tony Romo. Devastating roster sacrifices aside, the quality of this matchup resembles swiss cheese: glorious creamy goodness and FUCKING FUCKSHIT WHY IS THERE A FUCKING HOLE IN MY SNACK.

Sorry Jenks, but last year’s stats mean exactly nothing in fantasy football. Romo is a noodle-arm, snap-fumbling, GM-wanking, anus-fisting, interception-throwing, playoff-game-losing, cock-guzzling, excuse-generating, highly-injurable piece-of-shit who is not only an embarrassment to his team, but also a decent guy turned into a terrible quarterback.

Perry managed to shove his pride deep into his liver and draft a respectable team that is void of many of his coveted Seahawks. Huff looks to double up on points from Matt “Groundhog Day” Stafford and Calvin “Klein” Johnson, as well as LeSean McCoy grabbing Rex Ryan’s dreams and shoving them down the throat of the Colts’ front seven.

JON GRUDEN’S GRINDERS TO WATCH AND OUTCOME: Some people call him Legatron, I call him the big Tuck, because I don’t understand most jokes, and the things he does on the gridiron force me to tuck my erections deep into my compression shorts. Even though he’s going to boot an NFL-record 65-yard field goal in Denver this week, Stafford’s two touchdowns to Hands-a-tron (because he catches footballs with his hands, not kicking them with his leg) lift the Rumrunners over the Jenkiest team in the league 105-90.

Matchup 4: My name’s Rob I like to Party vs. Team donner

Team Seabass is back in action ready to take on the Denver Bronc-uh….Team donner? Wahl’s receivers are looking to give My name’s Rob I like to Party a much-needed lift in fantasy this year, especially when they play the fucking Raiders and the fucking Bears. Purtyn Murning is going to have to put Team donner on his brittle shoulders without snapping his bionic neck for the Don to stand a chance.

Big-name receivers AJ Green, Randall Cobb, and Jordan Matthews haul more balls in than the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. Their efforts are going to have to fight back from a suspended Le’Veon Bell and a terrible Cam Newton.

Donner sits on his prayer mat, screaming to the Bronco gods for Play tin Maine to deliver every week. Ben is about to find out the hard way that, while enticing, drafting all of your team’s players ends only in a .400 season and a lot of cursing at ESPN’s projected scores.

JON GRUDEN’S GRINDERS TO WATCH AND OUTCOME: I’ll be the first to turn on a television and watch two All-American hunks like Le’Veon Bell and Julius Thomas stamp around in tight pants, especially when they won’t play a down of football this week. It’s this kind of coaching that keeps the American dream alive, and makes me proud to live in a country where I can feasibly marry Sebastian Janikowski. Seabass and AJ Green like to party more than the Broncos, resulting in an 82-78 victory for Another Brick in the Wahl.

Matchup 5: Team Bird Season vs. The Allfather

“Rowdy” Roddy Piper takes on Stone Cold Steve Austin in week 1’s rematch of the 2014 fantasy football championship. Woo! Oh, except these two drafted enough talent this year to fill Montana Tech’s B-squad co-ed intramural team topped off with Somalia’s curling squad. One big week from a star player will turn the tide in this matchup, but who will it be?

After losing any desire to draft players who aren’t in the NFC East, Angelo renamed his team and pulled a Magnum brand condom over his head, deeming himself the 115’s copper liberty bell. Chip Kelly picked up DeMarco Murray this offeseason to fill the new position of Smorgback in the Eagles offense, which Angelo is hoping has a huge week. On the road. In Week 1. Where every coach is desperate to avoid injury. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

A rapist, a child abuser, and a jobless guy walked into a fantasy team, and The Allfather v. 2015 was born. Starting the recently cut Nick Novak is a bold strategy, Cotton, we’ll see how that works out for him. On the plus side, AP is going to whoop on the 49ers harder than he beat his son, so Lenz actually stands a chance in this one.

JON GRUDEN’S GRINDERS TO WATCH AND OUTCOME: Travis Kelce. I dated a girl named Kelsey in college, so I figure I’ve basically had sex with 1/9 of the Allfather’s starters. Anyways, Houston’s secondary could barely hold a candle to Purple Draaaaank (back-to-back, baby!), so there’s a guaranteed touchdown.  Jarrod Hayne played rugby and rugby is a tough sport. It’s like football, only without the pads, blocking, and 40 second breaks. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this: what if AP and CH run windsprints before the game and collide headfirst on the 49ers logo? Just picture it: the dust settles, and Carlos Hyde towers over a twitching pile of purple running back, but The Allfather still wins 95-90.

MATCHUP 6: Johnny Clipboard vs. Ease It In, Don’t Forsett

Foiled of his chance to scoop up his beloved Broncos, Mike barrels into Week 1 like a snotty little 5th grader. “Neener neener, Baker, I can’t have what I want so I’m going to take all your favorite players and start them all against you.” Fueled by his rage, Reed managed to draft a decent team this year, and looks to micromanage his way back to the consolation bracket, and it all starts with Week 1.

A kicker bowl victory isn’t enough from the man who can’t fucking make his mind up about anything “I wanna live in Seattle! I wanna move back to Montana!” He cries. Well, football season brings us all back to what we love him most for: being a punching bag for our fantasy teams and maybe upsetting two people to throw off the seeding for the playoffs. “But I got Andrew Luck and Andre Johnson this year!” Oooh, a cave man and the most AARP wide receiver since Reggie Wayne. Let us know how that goes for you, bud.

Scumbag Mike says he hates the Seahawks, then draft the three most high-profile offensive players they have. It’s okay, Mike. We understand that you used to reject Seattle like a navy, orange, and white helmet rejects a properly inflated football on the first offensive snap of the game. But Mike has apparently inhaled enough wildfire smoke to change his mind, though a putting 1/3 of his eggs in a basket that’s headed to the always unpredictable Edward Jones Dome might not be the smartest idea.

JON GRUDEN’S GRINDERS TO WATCH AND OUTCOME: Giovani Bernard is splitting the backfield with Jeremy Hill, so he’s bound to work extra hard for those touches. Frank Gore’s hip may run out of cartilage at any moment, so he is my literal Gruden Grinder this week. Joe Flaccido has done some great things on the bench over his career, and I expect that drive to inspire everyone in this matchup. Look for similar drive from league sophomore Johnny Manziel, who is bound for great things this year. Mike eases his way to a 100-81 victory, but Johnny Clipboard’s bench dominates in a 50-20 rout of Ease It In’s bench.

[menof115-blog]

Roster Criticisms with Drunk Uncle Jenks: West Division

By a very drunk Nicholas Jenkins with a sober editor

Good Lord. With the exception of two teams, this division is an absolute shithole. Do you guys even watch football? Where were  you guys raised, in the woods? Raised by wolves or something? Well, I imagine most of the east division was most definitely raised by wolves in the literal Montana woods… but I expected better from the west division. 

You know what I would compare this division to? A MASSIVELY infected scrotal area. You heard me. Your junk just devastated by a multitude of STD’s. Open sores, puss filled scabs, the whole racket. But with every herpes fueled scrotal area, there are but two saving graces: the dick and balls. We’ll have words about exactly what that means later. I know it’s a 12 team league, but Christ, got to be more creative than this. Take a lap and have your mother sign this slip.

WEST DIVISION

Bremerton Rumrunners

You’d think with a drastic decrease in rum running this year, Perry would have drafted with clear eyes and a full heart just like Tim Riggins. Instead, his roster is full of wholes, scattered with clear misses. Hey Nick, get out of the analogy business as soon as you can. 

It’s not all bad however, Calvin Johnson is a stud as usual and Stafford will make sure of that. But I just do not know how Shady McCoy will do with  the Bills Mafia. I can only assume he’s too busy throwing invite only sex parties. He’s the one that’ll have the massively infected scrotal area after those shenanigans. #TexasForever

Grade: C+

Darth flator

Jonathon Kujawa has obviously been taken over by the his deranged alter ego, Queeves, because this roster can only be explained by the derelict actions of a deranged alcoholic man-child. Let’s go to the tape:

“Jon why did you draft Aaron Rodgers with your first round pick? Seems a little odd”

“It’s okay guys! Aaron is my man! Been with me since the beginning!”

I wanted to be on your side on this one Queeves, AR is a solid first pick, but when we head over to your roster you’ll see that your golden boy IS ON THE FUCKING BENCH! For who you ask? The devil himself Colin Kaepernick. Jesus Christ Queeves we knew you were ruthless but this is abhorrent behavior. As for the rest of your roster… Runningbacks? Trash. Wideouts? Pedestrian. I throw up all over my computer every time I think of Chris Ivory. Maybe the Seahawks defense can score you like 50 points a game. Other than that, may god have mercy on your soul.

Grade: F

(Editor’s Note: Do you want demons, Jenks? Because this is you provoking a demon)

Johnny Clipboard

Remember the dick I was talking about? This team is the dick. Big swinging dick that is. Big ole girthy motherfucker too. Veiny, throbbing, you name it, Reed’s team has it. Too much talent across the board; absolute domination. My own personal dick blows a load just looking at it.  The only flaw I can find is the namesake. WHAT the fuck is Reed going to do if Johnny clipboard morphs like a butterfly into Johnny Fucking Football midway through the season?  What if Andrew Luck goes down and JFF is the best viable option? Can Reed pull the trigger? I’m not sure he could. What a possible debacle. #Pray4Reed

Grade: A+

Team Barnicoat

Sick roster dude, if this was the year 2011, HA! Come on Nick, Tyler doesn’t reallyyyy care so go easy on him. Jesus, all right here’s the deal. Brew Brees is old as fuck and just lost his best weapon in Jimmy Graham. Larry Fitzgerald hasn’t caught a ball since 2013.  Percy Harvin is a LUNATIC, Darren McFadden showed up to training camp in a full body cast and Odell Beckham Jr. is catching trying to catch footballs from Eli “Noodle Arm” Manning. Or is it Noodle Neck? Needle dick? Help me out Reed, I’ve lost track. Garbage.

Grade: F

Team SkinDillyWilly

Nick, I’m going to be honest, your team name creeps the hell out of me. Every time I read it, images of flaccid cock appear in my mind and it makes me uncomfortable. You don’t have to change it per se, but you should probably change it.

Anyway…

Welcome to the league, Skinner, it’s going to be a rough year for you that’s for sure. I see you with your wideouts; Mike Evans can play for me any day of the week and twice on Sundays. But let’s talk about the rest of your squad though. I’m really not sure what you’re doing with Joseph Randle and Melvin Gordon, dudes don’t even start on their own team! And Matt Ryan has been the definition of ‘meh’ for the past two years. But you never know with the NFC South. Fuck it, I’m losing my buzz. Going to get more beer, BRB.

Grade: D

Purple Jenk

You remember the balls part of the aforementioned analogy? Well this team has HUGE balls. Like, having a difficult time fitting them into your mouth balls. Like, first team All-American dick sucker Christy Mack (I hope to God all of the MEN in this group know who that is) would have her work cut out sucking DEEEEZ NUUUUUUUUTS.

Purple Jenk took a lot of risks in this draft but with his firmly equipped testicles, he is confidant in his success.

Look, it’s not 2009 anymore; making fun of Tony Romo is so cliché. Between Dez Bryant, Jason Witten and the best offensive line in the league, it doesn’t matter how many late game leads he gives away, the man will get his points. And I WANT my scalps! Speaking of 2009…nice movie reference Nick…  Christ. 

Devante Adams will pick up the slack for Jordy Nelson, the Carolina Panthers literally only have one Wide Receiver and his name is Devin Funchess (editor’s note: dude’s currently battling hamstring issues, hence the trade with the Seahawks to acquire Kevin Norwood), and Gronk will MOTHER. FUCKING. GRONK! WOOOOO! COLD CUTS TODAY!

Grade: B+

[menof115-blog]

Roster Criticisms with Drunk Uncle Jenks: East Division

By Nicholas Jenkins

Alright boys I’m about four pumpkin beers deep and Uncle Jenkins has a lot of shit to dish out so let’s get this started.

EAST DIVISION

Show Me UR TD’s 

Show me ur TD’s huh? Funny name Angelo, the school year just started, are you enjoying the fifth grade? Jesus. Despite have zero connection to the team except for seeing “Rocky” one time; there is a heavy Philadelphia influence on this roster. Hopefully Demarco Murray can adjust to his new home or else our ginger friend might be struggling this season. Hopefully his quarterbacks can make an impact; let’s take a look. Oh Tom Brady he’s won a few Super Bowls that coul--WHOOPS he might be suspended for the first FOUR games of the season. That’s a fourth of the season bruh, figure it out. (Editor’s Note as of 9/3/15 at 9:39 am upon hearing news of Brady Appeal: lol). That’s okay though we have a few reserves here… Oh yeah Alex Smith he’s okay if you’re okay with him throwing ZERO touchdowns to his receivers last season. Oh Mark Sanchez that’s nice… he’s had some success in Phil-WHOOPS he’s backing up Sam Bradford! Lastly, I wouldn’t be so stoked about Brandon Marshall, he’s catching passes from Ryan Fitzpatrick, woof.

Grade: D

The Allfather

The Allfather huh? Where’d you get that name? From the…Toilet Store? Okay Nick let’s hang up that joke for another day alright? Not a bad roster you get here ole’ Johnny GIFboy. I’ve got a rock hard boner for your Wide Receiving core, and I’m as jealous as Kris Jenner is of her whore Daughter, Kim, with your Latavius Murray pickup. However, keep Fat Face Bitch Tits Ben Roethlisberger out of the tavern bathrooms and away from promiscuous women or else there’s going to be trouble. Seriously, that guy is definitely a starter for the All Fat Faces Team. Phil Kessel and Matthew Stafford being his teammates of course.

Grade: B+

My Name’s Rob and I Like to Party

Oh boy, what can I say about the one and only Tyler Wahl? Try as he might, Tyler could not make it to the draft on time despite Jon Lenz’ NUMEROUS reminders to the front page of our Facebook wall, going as far to post each individual time zone (including European time just in case). Therefore, he has a dreaded autodraft team. Tyler however was able to secure probably the most underrated player in the draft and perhaps all of professional sports; Sebastian “Kick his ass Seabass” Janikowski. I have complete confidence that Tyler will screw up his lineup and it will come down to the foot of the great one, and that’s a compliment.

Grade: A-

Team Hanson

Jesus Christ. God Damnit. Is it that hard to get out of the shower, fire up the internet and draft a motherfucking fantasy football team? TWO years in a row that is apparently the case for Cody Hansen. The funny part is, the dumbshit computer started drafting reserves before Cody had his Quarterback, Kicker and Tight End position filled! Laugh out fucking loud. The skill position players are solid, but god help any team lead by Jay Cutler. Doesn’t matter, if Cody starts winning, I’ll bitch and moan all season about this auto draft business just to make ole Drunk Uncle Jenkins feel better about himself. All who concur feel free to follow me, plenty of room on the whambulance.

Grade: C

Team Donner

Okay Donner, I’ll give you a break on this one. I’ve been skull fucking you all season in fantasy baseball and you must be mentally drained from all the cum in and around your brain. I’m trying to believe in your roster but I just can’t. You’re working with two largely unproven runningbacks on scruby teams. DJack is having Kirk Cousins throwing him footballs, and your two other Wideouts just wouldn’t be that great if they didn’t have phenomenal quarterbacks on their team. Not to mention Julius Thomas just went under the fucking knife, so you’ll have to slum it with Heath Miller for the next four weeks minimum. Also, could someone put a bullet in Peyton already? Dude’s like 50 and legitimately doesn’t have any feeling left in his fingers. Can’t even dial the phone to order Papa John’s pizza anymore, what a shame. Wow Nick, picking on the Bronco's again, real classy…

Grade: D+++++++ 

(editor’s note: Jenks, you can give an F) 

Ease in it, Don’t Forsett

Ease It In, Don’t Forsett….LOL great team name, hope you actually got the player with that namesake on the roster…. Honestly, I’m torn on this squad. On one hand, this roster is full of talented, charismatic, and dominant players that come from a very classy organization located in a beautiful city that is home to the classiest fans in the NFL. On the other hand, these players were drafted out of spite, so fuck that. Outside of the brilliant Seahawks players…Golden Tate is motivated as always so that’s nice, but Frank Gore & Marques Colston might as well be corpses dressed up in football pads just sent onto the field hoping the wind blows them into the endzone. Rest of it is trash. Host steaming trash.

P.S. Who the fuck has two kickers on their team? Piss poor coaching IMHO.

Grade: B-

(Final Editor’s Note: This article was written by a guest contributor and does not necessarily reflect the opinions of this site. Also, Drunk Uncle Jenks is hilarious)

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Meet the Men Fantasy Spotlight 2015 #12: Ease It In, Don’t Forsett

By Jonathan Lenz

Owner: Mike “12th Man” Boettcher

Team Outlook: 

Our final, 12th man, Mike Boettcher, is a fierce competitor who’s firefighting ability in the real world translates into a fiery fantasy football owner. After losing the divorce and eventually splitting from Angelo as officiated by Ang’s Ace Attorney Ben Donner, Mike reverted to his bachelor habits of the past--listening to Hank Williams, drinking copious amounts of booze, and watching old video of President Reagan repeatedly telling “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” on repeat. The split had him lose feeling of his emotions worse than the loss of feeling in Peyton Manning’s fingers. 

This cowboy realizes he must ride on himself. The brainchild of Team BroncosEagles, Mike turns off his stereo, puts down the bottle, and turns off his laptop. He stares at himself at the mirror in his one bedroom apartment. He realizes that 2015 will be his year to reveal his true self. He motions his lips and mutters the words that he’s been meaning to say for a long time, 

“Go ‘Hawks.” 

Strengths: 

Firefighting.

Ornate strategist in fantasy football.

Really loves the Seahawks after all this time hiding in the shadows. 

Truly an expert of hip-hop music.

Young Conservative.

Weaknesses: 

Ticked off at retarded facebook comments. 

Hated hearing about Superbowl 48. 

Really dislikes picking Broncos in drafts. 

Enjoying music at a soft, comfortable volume.

Eagles-lovin’ Teammate that divorced him. “I just can’t quit you!” 

Draft Strategy: 

Engage in fantasy mock drafts. 

Isolate Fantasy Players with high ceilings. 

Grab sleepers in later rounds. 

Hope that Ben Donner does not grab all Broncos players. 

Trust his proven strategy, and stick to the plan. 

“Yo Coach! How’d his draft go?”: Ben Donner grabbed all Broncos, Mike grabbed 3 Seahawks and 1 former Seahawk. I’d rate his draft a 12 out of a possible 12. 

FUN FACT: Mike’s favorite Seahawk is J.R. Sweezy* (see footnote, pictured) 

Preseason Gif: 

Footnotes:

*JR Sweezy, that psycho looking serial killer, pictured below. 

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Meet the Men Fantasy Spotlight 2015 #11: Darth Flator

By Jonathan Lenz

Owner: Jonathon Kujawa’s body currently possessed by Queeves

Team Outlook: I want everyone to look closely here. Very closely. 

Does anyone see anything wrong here? 

Do you realize this man won the fantasy football championship last year? 

Do you realize that this man goes to Montana Tech now? 

Do you realize that his fantasy football team name is a pun about one of the most evil villains ever? Tom Brady? 

Do you realize that this man is the very embodiment of death incarnate? 

Do you realize that as you stare deeper into his gaze, he slowly gains more power, more villainy, more rage? 

Do you realize this man plays a long con? 

Our beloved friend, Jonathon Kujawa, is the force and body through which pure evil operates. Don’t believe me? Look again: 

My brothers. We must realize that we are dealing with a force that’s been hiding in plain sight the entire time. 

The Jonathon Kujawa I know is trapped, and his alter ego Queeves is on the loose causing ruckus. Causing rampage. Causing anarchy. Causing deceit. 

Our mission, if we choose to accept it, is to eliminate Queeves so that Jonathon may return to his formal self. The road will be difficult, but should we defeat Queeves in fantasy football this year, we can get our buddy, our friend, our fellow 115er Jonathon back. 

Strengths: Queeves most powerful attack is a death gaze. If you see him in this form:

Please turn away as soon as possible from him. He will bolt laser beams out of his eyes and trap your soul, much like he did to Jonathon. I suspect Queeves took over our friend Jonathon’s body during the last grog night. A couple of Angelo’s hairs must’ve mixed into Jonathon’s grog, thus creating a soul trapping demon in the process. 

Weaknesses: This has been hard to pinpoint, but I’ve explored a couple of different options. 

Option One: we steal Tilly. The, we delete all pictures and postings of social media of Tilly and Queeves together. I think Queeves draws strength from Tilly, and if we cut off his power source temporarily, we can infiltrate the stronghold. 

Option Two: we force Queeves out by luring him with old, exotic rifles, a volleyball, and homework. We then capture him with a traditional bear trap. 

Option Three: we defeat him in imaginary football. 

I’ve tried the first two options, but Queeves is terrifying and quite strong. We must revert to option three. I’m counting on you, men. 

Draft Strategy: Stalk victims at night, capture them, interrogate them about who to draft for their dying words, then have them be banished to the shadow realm. 

“Yo Coach! How’d his draft go?”: Approximately 20 souls were harvested by Queeves. We must hurry before more casualties occur. 

FUN FACT: Queeves favorite movie is “The Animal” with Rob Schneider! 

Preseason Gif: 

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Meet the Men Fantasy Spotlight 2015 #10: Johnny Clipboard

By Jonathan Lenz

Owner: “Bur”Reed”O” Baker

Team Outlook: Newly rebranded as “Johnny Clipboard” after last year’s “Michael Sam’s Agenda”, Reed wants to make one thing clear, “I’ve come here to suck dick at imaginary football and win the kicker bowl, and I probably won’t do the second.” A thirsty veteran, a real gym rat, a bring your lunch pale, route-running hard worker, Reed is typically as absent from the playoffs as he was from most college parties. Will he find success this year?

Strengths: Can run a longer distance than anyone else in the 115. Possesses an eerie ability to wear jean shorts--making hetero males everywhere question their sexuality. Used to run Caroll Memes before it went into the shitter. Tells a mean “Long Con” joke. Kicks everyone’s ass at Mario Party. BRODYQUEST. 

Weaknesses: U.S. Marines outside of Montana bars, Everyone now knows he used to run Carroll Memes--his cover is blown. Surprisingly shitty at “Cut from the Team”. Sobriety. Cute, cuddly kitties.  

Draft Strategy: On draft night, Reed starts by preparing a fine veal and a side of asparagus. He then proceeds to guzzle down 12 ginger beers and fires up the bing search engine. With every second passing, he stares at the recently searched image of his ideal man. Man-ziel, that is. “Come home baby.” he whispers, as he begins gently massaging his inner thigh...

“Yo Coach! How’d his draft go?”: Just watch the video to find out. 

FUN FACT: Reed’s favorite serial killer is actually a toss up between John Wayne Gacy or Robert Yates. 

Preseason Gif: 

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Meet the Men Fantasy Spotlight 2015 #9: Purple Jenk

By Jonathan Lenz

Owner: Nicholas “Old Man” Jenkins

Team Outlook: Nearly Headless Nick, shuffling in line at his local Chipotle hell hole, stares at his phone screen and pulls up snapchat. “Sss--ss-sir, it costs eeee--e-extra for Guac, is that alright?” says the employee, cowering in fear. Jenkins takes his opposite hand and gently motions an okay sign with this fingers while his eyes remain fixated on his screen. He grabs his food and asks for a “water cup”, which the fearful employee provides with a tremble in her grip. He weasles his way over to the drink station as his parts a sea of white girls and hipsters. He takes his generic white cup and films himself pouring free soda from the dispenser using Snapchat’s mystory. “Sir, is there anything we can do? He’s taking a free drink again!” “I’m afraid not, Judy. This man runs this fucking joint.” Jenkins cackles and proceeds to do cartwheels out of the store. He malevolently cries, “I’M UNFUCKINGTOUCABLE. THIS LEAGUE IS MINE.” 

Strengths: That sexy smooth jet black hair, ability to get free scoop bullshit things on his chipotle burrito, evaluating how hot incoming freshman are, drinking, snapchat mystories lasting longer than 5 minutes, jazzercise. Asking to ‘speak to the manager’ at casual dining restaurants. Being white. Stalking players on the Seahawks. Meeting up with friends when he’s in the area. 

Weaknesses: Coordination. Summer Shandies. Believes that Jet Fuel can’t melt steel Beams. Hair Dye. Sister is too young for us to make any remarks. Thinking he’s black. The crippling thought on the back of his mind that the Allfather has a saved snap of Jenks wearing a cowboy hat and beads with the headline “Nigga we our [sic] here!” 

Draft Strategy: Only drafts players that have tweeted back at him on twitter, mostly seahawks. Drafts defenses in like the 5th round. 

“Yo Coach! How’d his draft go?”: Coming off of an improved 8-5 season with some quality acquisitions, Nicholas Jenkins has actually managed to convince himself that he knows what he’s talking about when he actually drafted Tony Romo. 

FUN FACT: Despite graduating from college, Jenkins can’t read. Despite his illiteracy, was able to get a tattoo of “thug life” on his left butt cheek, spelt correctly. 

Preseason Gif: 

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Meet the Men Fantasy Spotlight 2015 #8: Team SkinDillyWilly

By Jonathan Lenz

Owner: Nick “Do you even lift, Bro?” Skinner

Team Outlook: A fresh face with big aspirations, Little Nicky enters the men of the 115 fantasy football league with goals as big as his latest max. Rumor has it he has been preparing for this season by calculating his latest macros, dividing those numbers by the amount his watershed ticket costed, subtracting the amount of teams in the league, and adding the remainder with the number of testicles Lance Armstrong still has. What number are you left with? 1 championship dream. 

Strengths: 341 lb bench, 523 lb deadlift, wearing a bro tank, beard growth, singing the national anthem at karaoke bars, tokyo drifting, ethiopian drifting, dancing in the rain by himself listening to Enya, his mother kicks ass at fitness too.

Weaknesses: Shaved head would have him fit in very well with particular caucasian supremacists in North Idaho, could use some more accessory work for his calves and delts, deciding which restaurant to eat at, films about Helen Keller’s life, crossfitters. 

Draft Strategy: Chooses players based on their predraft combine numbers, with number of bench press reps at 225 being the top priority. 

“Yo Coach! How’d his draft go?”: About as well as his first lifting meet. Pretty good, but definitely could use more room for improvement. 

FUN FACT: Once criticized the State Governor’s son on his squat depth at the gym, proceeded to squat the guy himself while saluting an American flag. 

Preseason Gif: 

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Meet the Men Fantasy Spotlight 2015 #7: Show Me Ur TDs

By Jonathan Lenz

Owner: Angelo “Godfather” Malisani

Team Outlook: You ever see separation surgery on siamese twins conjoined at the anus? It’s pretty fucking nasty, but alas, our favorite eagles-lovin’ ginger finally had his divorce papers with Mike go through. In the recent settlement, as negotiated by his ace attorney, Ben Donner, he was able to keep the Namesake “Show Me Ur TDs”. He likes his team like he likes his whiskey, full of regret. 

Strengths: League Commish, No Soul, Cigar aficionado, swing dancing extraordinaire, able to live in Texas as an Eagles fan without being skull-fucked by inbred Texans, using military time, calling his fellow bro’s to check on how they are doing. 

Weaknesses: Red hair, Cut off from Mike’s football knowledge, the apple cup, Mark Lenz, inability to turn left, addiction to looking up pictures of bananas online using askjeeves. 

Draft Strategy: Eating Chips Ahoy! while looking up footage of Chip Kelly being interviewed with a Chip on his shoulder. This fucker will capture all Eagles for his own amusement. 

“Yo Coach! How’d his draft go?”: About as authentic as a cheesesteak from Philadelphia. Wiz wit, bitch. 

FUN FACT: Angelo made a brief cameo in the Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban Films. You can see him here (pictured below, on top): 

Preseason Gif: 

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Meet the Men Fantasy Spotlight 2015 #6: The Allfather

By Reed Baker

Owner: Jonathan “Tinderstorm” Lenz

Team Outlook: The biggest bust of the 2014 league, Lenz has hit fantasy football rock bottom, and rumbles into the 2015 season with a fire in his heart and his semi-erect penis in his hand. Look for some Patches O’Hoolihan-style wrenches in this year’s league, because the gif king is out for blood. 

Strengths:  Gif mastery. Keeping his snapchat stories interesting while at a reasonable length. Spikeball. Stabbing people to extract their blood. Hoopfest. Being ludicrously tall. Falling asleep on couches that he’s entirely too tall to fit on. 

Weaknesses:  Playoffs. Knowing where to shave to differentiate his beard from his chest hair. Drinking games. Tinder. Ordering a “Gin and Juice” at a predominantly African-American bar in Spokane. 

Draft Strategy:  Inhaling wildfire smoke to the point of hallucinating and selecting the players that come to him in his dreams. Then, being brought back to life by Jennifer Lawrence. Or just being brought back to life at all. Also, probably will draft a Tight End with his second pick.

“Yo Coach! How’d his draft go?”: Drafted a ton of his former players from 2013. I’m pretty sure he’s pulling an Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite and just trying to relive the glory years. 

FUN FACT: Types all Facebook, text, and iMessages with his genitals.

Preseason Gif: 

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Meet the Men Fantasy Spotlight 2015 #5: Team Hanson aka “Team Siri”

By Reed Baker

Owner: Cody “Hambone” Hanson

Team Outlook:  Hanson put up an amazing show in his inaugural season in the wonderful, unsanitary world of 115 fantasy football, with many thanks due to ESPN’s preseason power rankings and ESPN’s autodraft feature. Getting snubbed in the league championship was inconsequential to Hanson, as it is doubtful he even looked at the final score.

Strengths:  Military haircuts. Navigating Teasers. Can identify any country song based on the banjo progression. 

Weaknesses:  Manually drafting his team. Uses Internet Explorer. Too busy crashing around the Montana tundra hunting elk with his bare hands to give a hoot about fantasy football.

Draft Strategy: Team Siri 2.0

“Yo Coach! How’d his draft go?”: Beep boop boop beep beep 1000111100001100101001011111001010 1001 100001111000 1111110001010 beep boop boop. 

FUN FACT:  Recently resurfaced on the grid of society to attend Barnicoat’s wedding and announce his new relationship, only to disappear into the wild after purchasing a new Bowie knife.

Preseason Gif: 

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Meet the Men Fantasy Spotlight 2015 #4: My Name’s Rob and I Like to Party

By Reed Baker

Owner: “T-Swift” Tyler Wahl

Team Outlook: Despite his best efforts, Tyler managed to field a competitive team in fantasy football, all thanks to his inability to be on-time for the draft. A stunning Wahl-less draft left the Waco Kid’s  perennial prospect – the ever-mighty Sebastian Janikowski – in the hands of Michael Sam’s Agenda before spending the remainder of 2015 as a free agent. Wahl returns to fantasy football for another season, looking to draft all the Cowboys that nobody else will draft.

Strengths:  Plays college premier division rugby. Bites the bullet for the rest of us by being our token Cowboys fan. Making his hair match his pubes with his annual perm. Making Jenks think he’s not real. 

Weaknesses:  Dallas. Cowboys. Wahl is a fanboy of “America’s Team,” aptly named as they gradually go down the shitter. Being expressive: Tyler ticked a couple items off his bucket list by becoming a rugger for Notre Dame, and describes his hobbies on the team website as "I'm an outdoor enthusiast and a huge sports fan." C’mon, man! 

Draft Strategy:  265 pounds of Polish pudge going in the first round. When I say “SEA,” many say “HAWKS!” Nay, says Wahl, for he cries “BASS!”

“Yo Coach! How’d his draft go?”:  Joined the draft late but still acquired Seabass and Cowboys D, lol. 

FUN FACT: Lost his virginity to a Walla Walla sweet onion.

Preseason Gif: 

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Meet the Men Fantasy Spotlight 2015 #3: Team 10

By Reed Baker

Owner: Tyler “Broad side of a” Barnicoat

Team Outlook: Another newcomer to the 115 fantasy football league, Barnicoat brings some tatted-up badassery to the clan in the hopes of besting his fellow men in pretend football. A former high school baller, the newly hitched man amongst men will prove a force to be reckoned with…if he registers his team in time for the draft.

Strengths: Tattoos. Lots and lots of tattoos. Being the only solid 9 in a friend group of 7’s. Liking things and putting rings on them. Driving other 115ers to Teasers. Knows how to flex every individual muscle in his body.

Weaknesses: Must receive explicit permission from his wife on each of his draft selections. Registering his team in the league. Truck rallies. Ability to let Cody know that it’s his turn to draft. 

Draft Strategy:  Not registering his team in time for the draft.

“Yo Coach! How’d his draft go?”: He registered his team in time for the draft.

Fun Fact: Summons bald eagles with his raw patriotism alone.

Preseason Gif: 

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Meet the Men Fantasy Spotlight 2015 #2: Team Donner

By Reed Baker

Owner: Ben “BIG DICK” Donner, aka Donatello

Team Outlook: Debuting in this year’s new 10-team format, Don Vito is looks to start the year strong by taking advantage of the 115’s notoriously unpredictable drafts. Now expanding his brain in addition to his mind in law school, “Don”key Kong is this year’s sleeper-to-beat, so expect big things from the Bearded Bandit of the west. 

Strengths: He’s in law school, so I’ll probably get sued for making fun of him. Grog-guzzling. Face-to-glasses ratio. Looking pensive in Facebook photos. Has the hottest sister in the draft. Ability to convince girls that he and Lenzy are related. He’s one smug bastard. 

Weaknesses: Steals other people’s drunken catchphrases. Broomball championship games vs. Purple Draaank. Affinity for St. Louis. Can’t remember how to pump his own gas because he lives in Oregon now. 

Draft Strategy: Look for sound, logical decision making from Ben Franklin.

“Yo Coach! How’d his draft go?”: If by sound and logical you mean draft a metric fuck-ton of Broncos, then by all means call him Johnny fucking Elway.

Fun Fact: Don’s insistence on wearing Cardinals attire has earned him the nickname “Red Rocket” in several friend groups. 

Preseason Gif: 

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Meet the Men Fantasy Spotlight 2015 #1: Bremerton Rumrunners

By Reed Baker

Owner: Perry “Purple Whiff” Huff

Team Outlook: After screeching in to the consolation bracket at 4-9 last season, Perry came rolling into Bushel Bowl 2014 with the momentum of an ex-long snapper scrambling during intramural flag football. That momentum carried him through week one of the playoffs before Huff blew a 20-point lead to Michael Sam’s Agenda, forfeiting any opportunity to repeat as Kicker Bowl Champion. Now stripped of his pride, Huff comes in to the 2015 looking to make up for past mistakes, determined to win his second mug.

Strengths: Actually played high-level football, which is a lot more than most of us can say. Actually coaches football, which is a lot more than most of us can say.  Attention to detail – Perry can tell you how many freckles Jon Ryan has. Witnessed the greatest comeback in Seahawks history firsthand. 

Weaknesses: Facebook chat stickers, forgoes high-octane draft picks for his coveted Seahawks, snapchats of his dog, once open-mouth kissed a horse. Predisposed to a life of disappointment as a Seattle Mariners fan. 

Draft Strategy: Perry will do anything to get his hands on Seahawks. Look for Huff to throw wrenches at Jenkins’ layout of exactly how one should draft to get his hands on 1. Russell Wilson, 2. Seahawks D/ST, 3.Hausch-money. May also consult with his GM, Finn. 

“Yo Coach! How’d his draft go?”: Not many Seahawk acquisitions for Per-Bear. Perry was able to acquire Hau$chka and added a very intriguing “boom or bust” flex option with acquiring Rookie Seahawk Tyler Lockett. Good Wide Receivers, questionable running backs (will McCoy stay healthy and return to 2013 dominance and will Gurley be inhibited by a Running-Back-By-Committee in STL?), Perry’s team faces many question marks. 

FUN FACT: Begins masturbating while listing the Seahawks’ roster, and always saves Russell-wussell hustle-n-bustle man-muscle Wilson or Brock Coyle for the big finish.

Preseason Gif: