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foone · 1 year ago

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you know what'd be a fun idea for a trek fanshow? Star Trek: Mission Logs. You just put a couple people in starfleet uniforms, and have them read off summaries of episodes in an increasingly incredulous tone. Like Drunk History: Star Trek Edition.

"so the captain says that while on the way to the inauguration ceremony, they diverted course to Vulcan as their first officer needed SO MUCH to fuck that he was a week from death, but then when they got there, he got stood up, and then fought the captain TO DEATH but he was ok?"

"so it turns out when they disappeared during the battle with the borg, they went back in time and found out that the first use of warp drive had been undone, so they had to personally help Cochrane rebuild his ship, and they were there for first contact!?"

I say "drunk history" because I imagine the people at the starfleet HQ have to drink heavily to handle the kind of reports they keep getting in from starfleet captains.

"So after a miserable first contact, the commander, doctor, first officer, and science officer disappeared, and their security officer found that the boardgame the barkeep was playing had pieces that represented them? and they were somehow mystically imprisoned inside the game!"

"so the captain says that they detected a ship trapped inside a black hole (!?) and when they tried to rescue the ship, they got damaged and then discovered they were that ship, trapped inside without realizing. Fortunately they found the crack in the event horizon and escaped." (the lieutenant then passes out after finishing the entire bottle of Bolian vodka)

"So while they were on a vital mission to locate the aliens who had blown up florida and were planning to destroy the entire planet, they found a... Cowboy Planet!?" Everyone yells "COWBOY PLANET!" and takes a shot.

"So while testing a weapons upgrade, a crewmember's case of flu was accidentally turned into an infectious de-evolutionary mutagen, causing the crewmember to turn into a spider, and the rest of the crew to undergo similar changes." "stop, stop, STOP! you made that one up, admit it!" "no, really! Their counselor turned into a frog." "ok, now I'm just not going to believe anything you say."

"so a former captain of the ship was visiting when they tried to rescue a ship flying directly into a supernova, but got 'pulled in'!? and ended up in a REVERSE TIME UNIVERSE? naturally, everyone quickly de-aged to children, and the elderly former captain had to take command" "Spelk, you're not even trying this time, that's not even remotely plausible"

"So it turns out that the terrorist who took over the paradise planet was the first officer's (half-)brother, and he uses his magic hypnosis to cause the crew to mutiny and join his mission to travel to the middle of the galaxy... and find god!?" "Did... did they find god?" "oh yeah! turns out he was evil. Don't worry, the first officer blew him up using a klingon warbird." "he blew up god?" "yeah!"

"So this is a little different, it's not a mission log... it's a repair log." "That doesn't sound like it'd be very weird..." "Oh, just you wait. So, they had to get refueled because all their dilithium had been stolen." "Stolen?" "Yes. By a man from AN ANTIMATTER DIMENSION" "So a man in an antimatter dimension discovered there were two dimensions, and his matter counterpart went insane and obsessed with killing the anti-matter version of him, but meeting outside the dimensional corridor would destroy both universes" "both... universes? So if the captain didn't stop these guys, everyone in our entire universe and some other one would be gone?" "YEP!" "did he stop them? well, I guess he did, since we're still here" "oh yeah. trapped 'em in the dimensional corridor forever." "so they're just out there in some weird in-between-the-universes place, just fighting, for all time? and that's the only reason we haven't blown up?" "YEP!" "and this all came out in the logs... because they put in for repairs?" "yeah. to replace the stolen dilithium" "are you sure the captain wasn't really into dabo or kotra and wagered the dilithium crystals on a "sure thing" that didn't pan out?"

"So this one is a report of some people (with pictures!) who don't exist." "They don't exist?" "Nope! never did. They weren't born." "So, we have pictures of them, because?" "Well, the ship crashed, and the stranded crew had kids... then they uncrashed." "uncrashed?" "yeah! so it turns out when they approached the planet, they got thrown a couple centuries back in time, and met their descendants. then when they tried to leave, the ship would crash, restarting the loop. but it didn't." "it didn't?" "yeah, one of the crew was secretly in love with another officer, but she wasn't going to survive the crash, so despite the crew attempting to recreate the crash to continue the existence of their past-future-descendants, he sabotaged the ship into not crashing" "wait, into not crashing? he did sabotage to make everything... work perfectly?" "yeah! they were trying to crash, remember? So they inadvertently didn't crash, undoing the existence of all of their descendants, so they never existed. But here's their pictures!"

"ooh, I found a really weird one! It's not a mission report, medical file, or even another repair log" "So what is it? Another weird artifact?" "no no no, I sent those off to the SCP division. This is a SPY REPORT! About a dead Romulan!" "So this report is on a spy saying that the Romulans had gotten access to some secret information about the then-upcoming Intrepid-class starships. Very minimal info, but this was found in a Romulan database when the ship was just undergoing initial design stages" "Here's the weird part: The database file with the information on the Intrepid was timestamped 2351, but Starfleet didn't even start initial design work on the Intrepid until 2364!" "So they used time travel? to get... basic information on one single starship class?" "Kinda? See, there's a P.S. on the spy file, added later when it was declassified. The leaked info in the Romulan database was discovered in 2371, but the file was updated in 2378, with an explanation." "and?" "Remember when the U.S.S. Voyager was lost?" "oh yeah, they turned out to have just been stuck on the other side of the galaxy, right?" "Yeah! And while they were there, they found a microscopic wormhole, and successfully used it to communicate back with the Romulans... but discovered it was a TIME WORMHOLE" "oh, so they were talking to the Romulans back in 2351?" "Yep! They figured that out and then decided not to transport through the wormhole, as they would have gotten home 20 years before they left, but they sent some messages back to be delivered later. They didn't come through" "why not?" "well... turns out the romulan guy (Telek R'Mor) died before Voyager ever launched, so he never got a chance to deliver the messages. but he DID inform the Tal Shiar about some design elements of the Intrepid class, years before it was launched" "that must have confused them" "yes... the report is basically just two spy agencies completely confused about what to do about the intelligence they had, and confused about why they had it"

"ok ok ok, enough artifacts, mission logs, spy reports, medical reports, repair logs, how about a really weird one: A SENSOR REPORT!" "why is that one weird?" "well, look at the timestamp. Both of them." "so one timestamp is 2372, and the other is... negative 16 billion?" "yep! This one is a scan of the big bang. And slightly before it." "... before?" "Yeah! They did a scan, and then THE BIG BANG HAPPENED, and then fortunately they got out of there before the universe fully existed, as that would exceed the ship's safety tolerances" "so... why were they at the big bang?" "well... you know the farpoint encounter, and that godly being the USS Enterprise ran into?" "oh god (uh, no pun intended)... but yeah, vaguely" "WELL it turns out there was another one of those godly beings who was suicidal and imprisoned in a comet, and-" "wait wait wait. there was a god trapped in a comet?" "yes. apparently they're infinitely powerful but weak to comets. ANYWAY. he was suicidal and trying to hide" "hide? WHAT DOES A GOD HAVE TO HIDE FROM?" "well he was hiding from the other god! the one at farpoint! that one was the one who imprisoned him. because he was suicidal." "so the god was in the comet, and the other god put him there, and someone let him out? and then he hid?" "yes! and where does a god hide?" "at the big bang?" "slightly before, but yes! and he took the ship along with him, so that's how they were able to scan the big bang. because of getting involved in a weird game of hide-and-seek between a suicidal god and a jailer-god" "so what happened? how did they get out of the whole god-war thing?" "well... usual stuff. they put the god on trial to see if he could be allowed to die, but compromised on making him human and a crew member" "so they had a former god on their crew?" "briefly. then he died." "he died? after settling for human?" "yeah, it turned out the jailer-god changed his mind and decided to rebel against god-society and started by giving the former-god some deadly poison to let him finally die, like he wanted" "well, at least that seems to have ended... well?"

"oh no, there's a follow up! see, it seems the dead god thing lead to a god-civil-war and it seems that caused a bunch of supernovae in 2373." "wait... supernovae? plural? like, outshined-the-entire-galaxy SUPERNOVAE? that must have killed billions, or trillions!" "yep! it was a massive disaster and caused a real crisis in astronomy because we had no idea why it was happening, but it suddenly stopped, thankfully. But yes, it was started because the crew accidentally freed a suicidal god from a comet." "oh god..." "literally!"

"don't worry, though... that's not the weird bit" "HOW IS THAT NOT THE WEIRD BIT?" "OK I PROMISE I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP... but after the first supernovae of the 2373 Calamity, it turns out the captain (of the ship that killed the god) discovered another god... in her bed" "her... bed?" "Yeah! it turns out the other god wanted to have a child. with her." "... that's weird but what does this have to do with the supernovae?" "he wanted to end the war, and figured the best way to do it was to get her pregnant with a god-baby"

"NOPE! That's it! I'm out. that's not real. you're making it up. We don't live in a universe where one captain caused death across the universe by sparking a god-war and then only ending it by having a baby with a god. I'm out. I have a Warp Dynamics test to study for anyway."

"wait! wait! I didn't even tell you about the time she turned into a lizard and had babies with her pilot" "NO! I DON'T CARE HOW MANY WEIRD THINGS YOU MAKE UP, THERE ARE NO LIZARD BABIES"

"no, I swear, it really happened! Look, they went infinitely fast and occupied every point in the universe!" "THAT'S NOT HOW SPEED WORKS" "it is! and it turns out going everywhere at once infinitely fast turns you into a lizard!" "*sigh* Are there any reports on unhearing that?"

I imagine they sometimes decide to go HARD MODE on the report readings, where they have to put aside all the ones with "Voyager" on them. They're just too easy.

"So I've got two reports here, and I want you to pick between them. One is the second weirdest transporter visitor log, and the other is a report on why a science officer is 30 years old... except his head, which is 495 years old!" "I'm going to cut you off there, because I know your tricks: those are both the same incident." "Yep! You got me. Am I really that predictable?" "You are. Also, second weirdest transporter visitor log? You phrased that very specifically..." "I wanted to rule out all the transporter accidents and strange misuses of the transporter, and focus solely on WHO was transported. This was the second weirdest person." "I'm not going to take the obvious bait and ask who it was... but I will ask: who is the weirdest?" "Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln. President of the United States, a predecessor to the unified Earth government... he died in 1865." "WHY WAS HE TRANSPORTED? Who was time traveling back to the 1860s? and if they were in the 1860s, why were they beaming up Presidents?" "HARDMODE: No time travel! He was transported out of open space in 2269, because he had been recreated by the local mineral beings on their lava-planet" "why... why did the lava aliens recreate a 19th century Earth president?" "To study GOOD AND EVIL!" "Like you do, I guess?" "Yeah... anyway, the recreated Lincoln got killed by a spear, thrown by either Genghis Khan or Kahless the Unforgettable" "THE FOUNDER OF THE KLINGON EMPIRE?" "Yeah! he got recreated too. And teamed up with Genghis." "No. no no no no no you made this up" "It's real! Check it out, there's a message here to the diplomatic department, asking for the proper protocol to accept a 19th century US president abort a quasi-military vessel. And there's a video clip! Hit play on that..."

"Man, video quality was terrible back in 2269" "Yeah, they were using analog tapes back then. Don't ask why. Retrotechnology studies are so complicated even without timetravel messing everything up. So yeah, apparently the answer is 'dress uniforms, security guys, whistle'" "oh yeah. You can't welcome a 19th century Earth president on board without a whistle. Where's your sense of ceremony!?"

"So I really have to go, my Intermediate Klingoneese class starts in like 5 minutes, but just tell me one thing: Who was the 2nd weirdest transporter visitor on the logs?" "Oh! Samuel Clemens." "Who?" "Mark Twain! Earth author, wrote Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn?" "What? How?" "Yeah, a crew found a time portal that went back to 1893, while trying to figure out why the head of one of their crewmembers was in a cave on earth, and accidentally sent him forward to 2368, and beamed him aboard." "Did they wipe his memory afterwards or something?" "NOPE!" "So the 19th century Earth author Mark Twain, who I'm now remembering wrote a novel about time travel, didn't he?" "yep!" "So he wrote about time travel and HAD PERSONAL EXPERIENCE WITH IT?" "Yeah! thanks to snake aliens, eating humans in the past"

"Yeah I'm gonna go ask my teacher how they say 'You deserve to die for your lies' on Qo'noS" "I think it's... Hegh nep qotlh SoH? maybe 'urmang instead of nep?" "I'M OUT, petaQ!"

(a transcript of a twitter thread I made from back in July 2020)

#star trek #star trek voyager #star trek the next generation #star trek deep space 9 #star trek enterprise

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samalong1 · 1 year ago

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Yandere Orc Gurren headcanons pt 1

Breeding mentions

Kidnapping

And murder

Mentions of nsfw

You lived in a small village so far away from the capitol that the king's laws and protection rarely touched your town, afterall why bother if monsters raid your village, by the time knights arrive they'd be long gone.

Because of this your village was poor which in its own twisted way caused less raids, you average gremlin clan would rather hit one of the fancy villages instead of one where at most you can get a few sheep and maybe some grain.

But lately whenever gaurds or suppliers do arrive you hear gossip, gossip of a clan of orcs tearing through towns, killing any civilian so they can make the kingdom their own.

The whole village was on edge. Kids were no longer allowed to go outside past early noon, a curfew was issued fir the whole town, and some braze folks hid weopons, although it's almost impossible then to kill a orc even more so one in a clan, since if you managed to stab one another one would simply snap your neck. Guess it was just to show some sort of resistance

Luckily you were too busy making deliveries for your shoe maker dad.

You were lucky, oblivious to the extent rarely hearing the gossip.

When you got back from a unusually long trip you were confused upon seeing a crowd

As you ushered to the front to see what was happening.

A clan of orcs making demands, not just simple ones but enough of your crops and animals that the village would starve in the winter. But if the village refused they'd be slaughtered.

You stared at what you assumed was the leader

He was Big

Even bigger than the orcs next to him, with his giant muscles, his hands were bigger then your whole head!

You soon regretted staring when his gaze shifted to you

Gurren stared at the small plump woman

Her terrified wide eyes, her soft body, and her breeding hips made his breath hitch

So when the village refused his demands he coudnt help but grab you as he burnt your village to the ground

Your scream and sobs were music to his ears

"Bag anything useful" he said still holding you over his shoulder like a sack of meat

You were soon thrown over his horse as he mounted it. He made sure his horse ran like the wind so you coudnt escape without being launched off onto the tough forest ground.

He was going to enjoy you already imagining what you'd look like waiting inside his dwelling for him to come home from his hunts, God the thought of you welcoming him home while being swollen with his children, a baby orc in your arms he wanted them to have your eyes.

He was drooling and some of that drool fell on you to your disgust

Soon he arrived at the campsite

"Tonight we celebrate Borg start a fire and pour the drinks*

Orcs were loud

You were stuck on the leader's lap as they all shouted and drank beer

It was pretty obscene sometimes the leader who you overheard being called Gurren would swing his cup and spill beer over you

"Watcha naming the pretty thing" one laughed before drinking again

You were loosing your name, the last thing that attached you to your now ruined village

He seemed to be thinking even rubbing his chin "hmmmmm y/n yea yea y/n nice pretty name for a pretty small thing" he slurred seeming to get drunkened

God what was in that beer to make a orc that big get drunk

He stared at you soon chuckling "hehe God your gonna be the perfect little mate so pretty" he cooed gently petting your head

You blushed as he showered you with compliments soon nuzzling into you as his beard scratched your neck

God you felt like you had carpet burn on your neck

Soon you were carried bridal style to his tent

With him being drunk you had a hope of escaping

Thst was until you had a giant orc laying ontop of you head resting on your boobs like they were the best pillows

Was he purring?????

The giant orc leader was purring like a cat

@ofallthingsnasty

#yandere teratophilia #orc #yandere orc #yandere monster x reader #yandere #male yandere #orc x reader

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quasi-normalcy · 2 years ago

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Doing a PhD at the Daystrom Institute, like

You wanted Dr. Maddox to be your advisor, but he disappeared, so you get Dr. Jurati

You find out a few years later that Dr. Jurati murdered Dr. Maddox, but she wasn't criminally responsible, so it's okay. You're okay. It's too late to change advisors now

(She is, however, clearly having a depressive spiral and keeps turning up drunk at your advising sessions over subspace)

(Whatever, just keep your head down; focus on how future hiring committees will react to seeing the words "DAYSTROM INSTITUTE" on your CV)

Except now you need to rewrite your whole "Research Ethics" section because it turns out that there's an intergalactic civilization of godlike machines who will annihilate all organic life in the Milky Way at the drop of a hat if they think that we're mistreating our AIs

It takes two years, and you need to go to Coppelius to do it, but you finally get the rewrites done; you just need Dr. Jurati to sign off on your final draft so you can do your defence; it's going to be alright. "DAYSTROM INSTITUTE", right?

Except it turns out that she's a Borg Queen now (and, due to a time travel accident, apparently has been for the last 400 years? No one can explain it to you in a way that makes sense)

Fuck it. Contact her anyway.

She's very apologetic, but says that she can't sign off on your dissertation because your theory was actually disproven by an alien cyberneticist that she assimilated two hundred years ago in an uncharted region of the Gamma Quadrant

She does, however, offer you a position as "drone"

You're honestly not sure whether this sounds better or worse than staying in grad school

25th century academia is a messed-up scene

#star trek picard #bruce maddox #agnes jurati #academia #borg queen #Daystrom Institute #fanfic #i guess

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visenyaism · 1 year ago

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maybe the reason everyone in westeros is like that is because wine drunk, arguably the zestiest kind of drunk, is the only drunk you can get aside from tavern ale (icky), pear brandy (rare) or fermented goat/horse milk (can’t knock haven’t tried.) the borg would fix these people

#asked to leave flea bottom darty because i showed up with a borg🫡#WAIT THE FOSSOWAYS. FANTASY BOLDIES WE R SAVED.

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finn-m-corvex · 1 year ago

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Whumptober 2023 Day 1 - "How many fingers am I holding up?"

Hello everyone, and welcome to Finn's Whumptober! This is the first of the past fifteen days to come out, and the other fourteen will be releasing every hour on the hour! I've put an incredible amount of work into making these (the first batch is like. 30k words alone-) so if you guys have been craving some of my content, here you go! You're getting plenty nowadays!

GENERAL TWS FOR THE ENTIRETY OF MY STORIES: blood, vomit, beatings, assault, bullying, kinda gorey at some points, other stuff just be careful. I'll go back through and tag each individually if I need to!

Since I'm scheduling these, I won't have the opportunity to add anyone but @splinnters to the tag list, but there's going to be so many of them that I feel like it's going to be easy to find. Hope you enjoy reading all of these as much as I enjoyed writing them!

Words: 2.1k

Jay was bored.

Who knew working a party could be so mind-numbingly boring? The point of parties was to let loose and have fun, and yet here he was, stuck in a dumb stuffy suit in the corner only watching as everyone got more and more drunk off their asses. He sipped at his disappointedly non-alcoholic punch, pretending like he was keeping a careful eye over the rest of the patrons as they danced.

Getting called to watch Cyrus Borg’s work functions was one of the worst things to happen to him in recent times.

“Check in, everyone,” Lloyd said over the comm, and Jay tapped his foot against the ground as he waited for everyone else to sound off. Cole was standing on the entire other side of the room, and Jay had long since given up trying to hold a mime’s version of a conversation with his brother when the earth ninja only gave him an unimpressed stare after the first gesture. At least he was stuck in here with his best friend rather than Kai or Zane; knowing them, he would’ve gotten a full lecture rather than just a look.

A crackle, and then his beautiful Yang’s angelic voice. “Kai and I are clear.”

Part of Jay wanted to chime in and talk to her with a casual conversation about guest gossip, but he had already gotten in enough trouble tonight; he couldn’t start pushing it.

Zane and Pixal both spoke, and then it was Cole’s turn. “Jay and I are clear, although someone needs to start laying off the punch. He’s already almost spilled on himself more than once.”

“Hey!” Jay exclaimed, but he still kept it down so no one would start listening in. It pleased him immensely to hear Nya giggle over the comm, and it took every bit of self-restraint to keep from playing up the act. “I’m doing just fine, thank you very much.”

“Sure you are, bro,” Cole rolled his eyes across the room, and Jay felt his power start to flicker under his skin in frustration. Pushing the lightning down, Jay huffed, checking in with Lloyd before going back to his self-assigned duty of people-watching. At least he had a nice spot next to the punch table.

It wasn’t very long before someone bumped into him, causing his drink to slosh around and over the rim of his glass. Jay turned to face whoever it was, ready to give them a piece of his mind for almost getting punch on his nice shoes (seriously, they were brand-new!), but he stopped when he remembered that these people were all civillians and he did have to at least make an effort to be nice.

Unfortunately.

“I’m so sorry about that,” the stranger said, flashing his pearly whites and readjusting his cuffs. Jay’s danger sense was going off, and he resisted every urge in his body that was screaming for him to run far away from here. This was just a normal guy, so why was he feeling like this?

“Don’t worry about it, no harm done,” Jay chuckled, masking his discomfort with ease. It was one of his most used skills, especially in social situations.

“Surely you wouldn’t mind if I just got you another glass? Anything for a great hero of Ninjago!”

Never accept drinks from strangers, dear, he could hear his Ma say, and Jay always heeded the advice his mother gave him after the Underwear Incident.

He shook his head. “No thank you, don’t worry about it. Go enjoy the festivities, please, I insist.”

A rather cold goodbye for the sociable lightning ninja; Jay hoped that no one else would notice so it wouldn’t end up on the media. What a mess to clean up that would be, and the others already made enough messes online. The man huffed as if Jay had personally offended him, stalking off into the crowd where Jay’s eyes couldn’t be bothered to follow him. Frowning, Jay took another sip of his drink, only to bring it away from his mouth in confusion.

Why did it taste different?

Must be my lightning, Jay thought to himself as he drank it, noticing the previously sweet taste switching to salty. His lightning tended to change his taste buds whenever he suppressed it, just another little quirk of having powers, so this was just another case of that happening.

It definitely wasn’t the case fifteen minutes later.

Jay kept getting dizzier and dizzier as time passed, leaning back on the pillar and relying on it to keep him stable. Everything around him was spinning, the low lights blurring into vague patterns and swirling around on the floor at a speed that he couldn’t comprehend. He could feel the sweat gathering on the back of his neck, hot and sticking to his shirt collar. There were nails being driven into his temples, and he winced as the crowd suddenly cheered when Cyrus Borg came out on the other side of the room to start his speech. Pixal and Zane were on the stage with him, and Jay had to keep himself from screaming as the spotlights followed the three as they walked.

Up until now, he had hesitated everytime his hand went to his comm; he had already pissed Cole off once or twice, he shouldn’t say anything unless it was an absolute emergency.

His vision blacked out for a second, and Jay was suddenly hyperaware of everything happening around him. This wasn’t normal; this was an emergency.

“Cole,” Jay said, swallowing back the spit in his mouth that threatened to spill down his lips. Why couldn’t he feel his lips? Why did his throat feel like it was clogging up with something?

Reaching up with an arm, his brother looked quite bored. “What is it now, Jay?”

“Something’s wrong.”

Jay must’ve forgotten to switch to their private channel, because Lloyd’s voice came through the tinny speaker. “Jay, what’s wrong?”

“I-I’m dizzy,” Jay couldn’t keep himself from stuttering, and he started panicking as his knee gave out from under him. What the hell was in his drink?

Starting to push through the crowd, he could barely pick Cole out from the crowd, only hearing the earth ninja’s voice through his earpiece. “Jay, Jay did you drink something-”

And Jay was crashing to the floor.

Head smacking against the ground, Jay was coughing up spit, reeling from the loud gasp that surged through the crowd at the sight of one of the Ninja collapsing. Even though this was far from the first time that he had hit his head, he still found himself dizzier than before, struggling to ground himself in the forest of suit pants and dresses that he was stuck in. His hands were shaking as they tried to push him up, and he cried out as his elbows stopped working and his head hit the ground again.

Why couldn’t he feel his legs? Panic swarmed through his chest as he tried to wiggle his toes, but he couldn’t tell if it was working.

First Master, he was drugged.

“Move!” he heard two voices at once; one voice in the earpiece and the other through the ear not smushed against the tile. “Move out of the way!”

Other voices were clammering around him, and Jay would’ve yelled for them all to shut up if his tongue didn’t feel like it was a piece of cotton stuffed into his mouth. He was pretty sure he was drooling all on the floor, and he could feel the excess dribbling down his chin when rough hands pulled him upright.

There was Cole, face pinched in worry and hurriedly speaking into his comm. “I have him, he just collapsed and I don’t know why. Shut down the exits and get Borg out of here-”

Jay had to stop listening as the spotlights focused directly into his eyes, and he slammed his eyelids shut as if that were going to do anything. Cole was quick to block out the light, but the damage had been done; Jay leaned to the side and vomited, red punch spurting from his lips along with the small finger sandwiches that he had chowed down on earlier. Some of it landed on some poor patron’s shoes, and Jay opened his mouth to apologize only to upchuck more of his guts. His stomach heaved under the weight of his anxiety, feeling the voices around him change to a disgusted pitch, and the feeling of knowing that all of these strangers were seeing one of their protectors collapse and throw up like some drunkard made him flush with shame.

Something hauled him up from under the armpits, and suddenly he was on the move. Cole was taking him somewhere.

“Can’t take you anywhere without shit hitting the fan,” Cole grumbled, and Jay could feel the tears stinging at his eyes in protest. He didn’t mean for this to happen!

But was it his fault anyway? Could he have done anything to stop the man?

He was sat on some cheap chair a few hallways down, and Jay couldn’t move his arms or legs to try and readjust himself, the numbness spreading from his chest outwards. Cole pressed a warm hand to Jay’s forehead, feeling his cheeks and the back of his neck.

Jay felt so ashamed when he couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks. “Cole, Cole-”

“What happened, Jay?” Cole asked, a serious expression on his face. He reached up to start thumbing away the tears. “Are you drunk? I promise you aren’t in trouble if you are, things happen.”

He shook his head as best as he could. “No, someone spiked it.”

Mouth agape, Cole clicked it shut, fury overtaking his features. “Who. The. Fuck. Spiked your drink?”

“A guy, he ran into me and must’ve put it in my punch,” Jay let out a small sob as the spinning room sped up. “I-I’m so sorry.”

“The only thing you have to be sorry for is not telling me sooner,” Cole stressed, cupping his brother’s cheek when Jay’s head lulled to the side. “First Master, is this why you were so fidgety? I knew something was wrong; I’m the one who should be saying sorry to you.”

Shaking his head, Jay felt the shame swell up even further. “It’s not your fault-”

“No, but I’m still your brother, and I should’ve checked in the moment I thought something was wrong.” Cole clicked his tongue, thumb brushing against Jay’s jaw in a way that had his heart aching. “I gotta check how bad it is, bluebell. How many fingers am I holding up?”

If Jay was being completely honest, it looked like twelve, so that’s exactly what he said. Cole’s worried face was not reassuring in the slightest.

Nya’s voice flowed into his ear, and Jay sobbed. He wanted her, he wanted her so bad. “Jay, honey, I need you to talk to me. What’s wrong?”

“Some asshat spiked his drink,” Cole said briskly, shrugging off his suit jacket and draping it over Jay after seeing how hard the blue ninja was shaking. “He’s still conscious, but I don’t think he’s moving anytime soon. We’re in the hallway off to the left of the main room.”

Finally, the severity of the situation hit Jay: he had been drugged. Someone had deliberately sought him out and messed with his drink with ill intentions that Jay could only dream of, even though those dreams would actually be nightmares.

The thought of what could’ve happened if Cole hadn’t seen him go down made him sick to his stomach.

“I’ll be right there,” and Jay felt his lip start to wobble as the sobs rushed up his throat, because he wanted Nya here now and he was scared and he was too cold but too hot at the same time and he couldn’t move and Cole was mad at him and why was his vision tunneling and oh shit was it always this hard to breathe-

A hand tangled itself in his hair, gently freeing it from its prison of hair products as Jay gasped for air. “Stay with me, Bluejay. Nya’s on her way and then we’re getting you out of here. You’re gonna go home and we’re going to spoil you rotten, okay?”

His hands scrambled for something to hang onto, his fingertips unfeeling, and Cole was quick to put his other warm hand into Jay’s as he readjusted the makeshift blanket over Jay’s form. It wasn’t nearly as good as a shock blanket would’ve been but beggars can’t be choosers. Jay forced his body forward, landing clumsily on Cole’s chest as the earth ninja quickly compensated for the extra weight. “I want Nya.”

There was yelling from the main room that made it hard for Jay to hear what Cole was saying. “I know buddy, she’ll be here soon. I’m going to hold you just like this for a little while, okay?”

“Okay,” Jay whispered, feeling the tears start to soak into his brother’s suit, and First Master he hoped it was going to be okay.

#whumptober 2023 #finn's writing #ninjago jay #ninjago fanfiction #lego ninjago #ninjago cole #ninjago whumptober #whumptober day 1

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sivavakkiyar · 5 months ago

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anyway like ebert said Sandler is a great actor. One of the funny things is that his recognition—-‘watching Punch Drunk Love, you realize this is actually a standard Sandler movie, and that he understands these characters with such depth—-you watch his other movies differently after’ is almost like Borges

And like Borges, you have to remind people they do have to watch the crap to really get that

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stra-tek · 1 year ago

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Facts about Captain Robau

This was a long-running thread on TrekBBS in 2008-2009, a riff on the "Facts about Chuck Norris" meme. And it had some gems (thanks to all TrekBBS members who participated):

The Kelvin's shields aren't for keeping weapons out... they're for keeping Robau in.

There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Captain Robau.

Spock is constantly shouting in "The Cage" because he can't hear his own voice over the sound of how awesome Captain Robau is.

Sisko and Picard are arent really bald. They just want to be like Captain Robau

The Kelvin doesn't need two warp nacelles to create a symmetrical warp field. Captain Robau simply wills it to happen.

That God head thing in Star Trek V wasn't exiled to the center of the galaxy he went to hide from Captain Robau

That Borg didn't open a gateway to fluidic space to assimilate species 8472 they did to get away from Captain Robau

Captain Robau doesn't sleep. He waits.

Captain Robau doesn't use the transporter. He just leaps down to the surface.

The new Enterprise is being built on the ground because Captain Robau plans to lift it into orbit

Captain Robau can kill two stones with one bird.

When Capt. Robau was born, the only one in the room crying was the Doctor. Never slap Capt. Robau.

Captain Robau does simply walk into Mordor.

Captain Robau doesn't do pushups. He pushed the planet down and then pulls it back up.

In space, Captain Robau can hear you scream.

Captain Robau is hung like a Horsehead Nebula.

Captain Robau once used a crowbar to destroy Ceti Alpha VI. That crowbar later found its way to Black Mesa.

Captain Robau is immune to entropy.

When Captain Robau makes love, he causes a quantum singularity.

Captain Robau's bald scalp is considered an aphrodisiac in...oh, what's that place called? OH. Right.

The universe.

Zod kneels before Robau.

Captain Robau got drunk one night and relieved himself out in the desert. The spot in the desert is now known as the Grand Canyon.

Captain Robau CAN beam through raised shields.

A supernova didn't destroy Romulus, Robau did!

Robau doesn't wear sun screen. The Sun wears Robau screen.

The Great Bird of the Galaxy is the name given to Captain Robau's cock.

Captain Robau was deeply surprised that in VOY: “Threshold” everyone who went at warp 10 didn’t evolve into him. Then he realised, even at their most evolved potential, the Voyager crew are no match for Captain Robau.

Captain Robau never went to Starfleet Academy. He just showed up one day and flew the Kelvin out of spacedock. No one had the balls to question him.

Captain Robau decided to take up pottery one day. He named the result The Guardian of Forever.

Captain Robau told Pluto to fuck off and stop being a planet. It did.

Q used to have a proper name but Captain Robau slapped him so hard he forgot it.

The great barrier exists to protect the other galaxies from Captain Robau.

Stardate 0000.1 was the moment Captain Robau was born.

Sha Ka Ree is Vulcan for Captain Robau.

What does Captain Robau use for a condom?

SPACEDOCK.

#star trek #star trek aos #star trek kelvin timeline #kelvinverse #uss kelvin #captain robau #star trek meme #trekbbs

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erzivy · 10 months ago

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What would the counselors be like while drunk?

tw for drinking and mentions of vomiting!

ryan doesn't normally drink, but when he does, he's so sleepy. he drinks alcohol like someone's dad and falls asleep somewhere quiet before he could even be considered drunk

kaitlyn is a loud drunk, she doesn't even realize her voice has gone up like three levels and she's blowing everyone's eardrums out getting too fired up about a board game

abi doesn't like the taste of alcohol, so she has to mix it in a LOT of a fruity drink. her favorite liquor is peach soju (a korean grain liquor) because it tastes like juice if she mixes it with lemonade

dylan mixes abi's drinks for her so he can use the rest of her lemonade to water down his full solo cup of malibu. he claims it makes it burn less when he throws it up an hour later. he's lying. he's a lightweight and consistently overdoes it when he's trying to impress other people

emma takes alcohol like a champ- she's classy so she prefers to get wine-drunk. it gives her horrible headaches. pioneer of the borg trend because she's a liquid iv devotee

jacob is a daring drunk- as established in-game- and he would, unfortunately, do almost anything someone asked him to. he was definitely about to strip down and hurdle the fire before kaitlyn told him not to.

nick is a giggly drunk who laughs at anything anyone says or does. he's also a puker, and he's known to do... both at once, and emma has trained herself to tell when his giggling turns to retching so she can lean him forward

max is 100% a sloppy, emotional drunk. he will sit there silently crying over how much he loves his wife (*laura voice* we're not married, max) and eventually said not wife will have to tuck him into bed because he's worn himself out

laura's naturally good at drinking- she enjoys bitter flavors and she's got a crazy metabolism so her body burns alcohol fast. she's also a loud drunk, but not nearly as loud as kaitlyn- she just laughs really loud

#the quarry #dylan lenivy #ryan erzahler #laura kearney #max brinly #abigail blyg #jacob custos #kaitlyn ka #nick furcillo #emma mountebank #headcanons #ask

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bordysbae · 2 years ago

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I love your stories for Turcotte. could you please do 12. “why do you hate me?” “you think i hate you?” with him? <3

“frat party”

alex turcotte x f!reader

“you expect me to go to a party at his frat? that’s funny,” you scoff and continue looking back down at your phone. your roommate, abigail, comes over to your side of the dorm and sits on the bed.

“cmon please? i know things ended shitty with alex, but this is gonna be so fun! they have a dj and everything. please y/n? you probably won’t even see him, wisco is a big school!” abigail pleads, and you give into her puppy dog eyes.

“oh fine. and yeah wisco is a big school, but it’s not that big. i guarantee i’ll see him, but it’s been a couple months i need to get out, right?” you ponder. immediately abby jumps up and a smile fills her face. “yes yes yes! now let’s pick out an outfit for you!” she beams while taking your hands and dragging you towards the closet. after slipping on ripped jeans and a tight, low cut, white tank you and abby head out. the walk to the frat is only about fifteen minutes, and you’re used to it by now. alex used to always walk you home from every frat party, and if he was too drunk to walk you home, he’d make sure someone got you back to your dorm safely.

as you enter the brick building, the trashed floors and smell of alcohol fills your senses. you’re taken back by the pungent smell, but soon you get used to it. as abby drags you with her towards her boyfriend, you watch the familiar dark haired boy glow in his limelight. alex is practically the life of every party, which was one of the problems in your guys’ situationship. you wanted to get to know him, yet he was always busy with games and parties.

as his head rotates towards the left, his eyes meet with yours before you’re dragged into the kitchen. your view of alex is interrupted by a borg being shoved in your face, “want some?” your friend asks you. you shake your head and continue looking around for any sign of alex. “y/n cmon let’s have fun, drink a little!” abby chuckles, and you roll your eyes before taking a sip of the red colored vodka in the plastic gallon carton. the sharpie on the outside of the carton says: “borgicious.” the burning sensation from the liquor flowing down your throat shocks your system and makes you more alert.

suddenly you notice your friends giving glances, before tapping your shoulder to turn around. you furrow your brows as they step away from you, but when you rotate around you know exactly why. “hey, y/n,” alex states awkwardly. your breathe hitches. the boy who broke your heart nearly two months ago is standing in front of you.

“alex? why are you talking to me, don’t you like hate me or something?”

“you think i hate you?”

“um yeah? you literally ghosted me out of nowhere and then avoided me like the plague!”

“i don’t hate you, it’s quite the opposite actually,” he says meanwhile scratching the back of his neck nervously. you furrow your brows once again before letting out a heavy sigh. you work up the guts to ask the brave question, “why’d you do it alex? i thought we were getting somewhere, but you just ended things so suddenly?”

“can we talk about this outside? it’s a bit loud,” he suggests, and you nod. you both head to the back porch where a few other strangers are standing. they don’t pay any attention to you and alex, so you two just mind your business.

“i did it because i’m scared. i’m afraid to commit to things because i know myself, and i know you. god i wish i could be a better person for you, but i just don’t trust myself. i know my tendencies and i don’t want to hurt you even more in the long run, so i ended things. i’d rather hurt myself more and see you shine, instead of hurting you even more than i already did. i wanted you to move on so you can be happy,” alex bashfully admits.

your hands suddenly find their way to alex’s cheeks, as your turn his head towards you. “i trust you alex. i know you can change, and i know you have a good soul. during those long nights on facetime and the walks to my dorm after parties, i learned so much about you. i know you can change, and i can help you get rid of the stupid “fuck boy” persona. i promise im not gonna judge you, and it’s okay to open up sometimes alex. theres a reason i chose you out of everyone, i know you alex. i don’t want anyone else, i want you.”

suddenly a soft smile appears on his face, and he rests his forehead on yours, “i knew i chose the right girl, i’ve missed you. can we start over? but this time as boyfriend and girlfriend?” you nod your head, and your lips slowly connect to his. his familiar scent brings joy to your body, and same with him. everyone always knew you guys would end up dating, it was only a matter of time.

#alex turcotte imagine #alex turcotte x reader #alex turcotte #alex turcotte blurb #hockey blurb #hockey imagine #wisconsin #wisconsin badgers

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ponnfarrtrek · 6 months ago

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Top 5 overrated Trek "classics"

Measure of a Man - TNG - it's actually fairly horrific that Starfleet is allowing a trial to decide if one of their employees should be chopped up into little pieces, and nobody seems to understand that Starfleet effectively decided he was a person when they employed him.

Duet - DS9 - the great performances tend to obscure the fact that the Cardassian guy's overall plan is unnecessarily complicated, self-centred and presumptuous. Also: concentration camp clerks are not innocent bystanders.

Scorpion - Voyager - the idea of an alliance with the Borg is implausibly absurd even for Janeway, and the way they treat Seven of Nine's kidnapping by Voyager as a mere afterthought is fairly ridiculous in retrospect. Chakotay continues to be 100% correct and ignored for no good reason.

Shuttlepod One - Enterprise - two drunk assholes chatting shit for an hour.

Tapestry - TNG - Picard would rather die than not be able to boss other people around and we're supposed to respect this choice. We're told that getting stabbed for nothing makes people more ambitious. Fifty year old Patrick Stewart has a sex scene with a teenager. Hmm.

Honorable mention:

City on the Edge of Forever - TOS - Massively undermined by having Joan Collins play a woman who is supposedly going to change the future by lecturing homeless people on the inevitability of space travel. Can't buy her as someone that any reasonable person would listen to.

#star trek #tng #ds9 #voyager #enterprise

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star-trek-fandom-confessions · 1 year ago

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#250

"At the risk of being accused of being a racist white man or female misogynist, I fail to understand how the existence of La'an Noonien-Singh on the Enterprise fits into the rest of Trek canon or is even necessary. SNW's expansion on Uhura, Chapel, and Number One's characters I can understand since Uhura is the main girl of TOS and Una and Christine are TOS characters too. Even Erica being Sulu's predecessor doesn't really mess with TOS canon too much. Same with Pelia being Scotty's, or even the expansion of T'Pring's character since she is the fiance of a main TOS character Spock.

Like, don't get me wrong, she's not the first Trek character to have a "famous" relative, but if being Khan's descendant and called "augment" is so bad, why didn't she or her parents change their last name? To me, that is the biggest facepalm moment since Magnus and Erin Hansen deciding to bring little Annika on their Borg studies mission. Heck, I'd argue that Una's augment prejudice storyline is better-written and less ham-fisted since her being Illyrian doesn't fuck TOS canon too much, plus her super strength and perfect immune system make her a bigger "threat" to Starfleet than La'an's last name and ability to be a better drunk than everyone else. I also feel like La'an's character hinges on her last name and retconning of the Gorn. Idk how to explain it, but what else is there to fall back on compared to other characters? Even the crush on Kirk is strange because she retroactively never existed during the events of "Space Seed" and The Wrath of Khan, and Kirk never mentions her during those events. One could argue how TOS Chapel is a "passive" or "shallow" character compared to La'an, but TOS Chapel's personality can still be explained by her grief and regret over past relationships with Spock and Roger Korby.

Like don't get it wrong, this rant isn't a hate-boner on La'an herself, I'm just very critical of her character's existence and how it will fit into the future of SNW and TOS' canon events. Does she die of Gorn parasite eggs laid inside her? Is her super-duper special Khan DNA the reason TOS era Gorns look more human? Do she and Dr. Marcus become friends, or love rivals over Kirk? (I personally hope it's the former because I hate prolonged love triangles and toxic Kirk/La'an shippers.) If she even dies in SNW, is it to contrast with Khan being awoken from cryosleep in some kind of narrative irony? Or does Temporal Investigations mess up and screw her out of existence? I don't think I would say her character is boring but my God, does it's existence confuse me sometimes."

#confession 250 #two parts confession #star trek #star-trek-fandom-confessions #strange new worlds #la'an noonien singh

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rocket-sith · 7 months ago

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Q GOT TIRED OF MAKING ROBINHOOD LARPS SO HE DECIDED TO OPEN FOUR DIFFERENT CHRONO-TRIGGER SAVE FILES AT THE SAME TIME INSTEAD, but only one needed further progress (non-linear progress of course), two were already complete but were saved in the wrong place and missing a sidequest (lol time being non-linear what?), and the fourth was a big ol' sparkly decoy, a glitched file of nonsensical bits n bites, alluringly named Picard, that nearly crashed the game and took everything with it while you were busy looking for continuity in all the wrong places.

Behold! Season 2 of Picard, AKA Facepalm Theater Presents, AKA "Dude, where's my Tapestry?"

Love it, hate it, WTF it, or some should-be-impossible combination thereof - but somehow, you feel it. Are you in one or both of those last two camps? Yeah, me too. But I think I might have a theory. And no, it's not bunnies. (I rambled a bit about this somewhat in the A/Ns and comment thread of one of my fics a few weeks back, but the proper brain dump belongs here).

Season 2 of Picard is neither episodic, NOR is it one major overarching story with various sub-plots. It's FOUR overarching major stories, well-conceived in theory (mostly), but thrown together as gracelessly and incoherently, with the same abundance of panic and lack of transitions as the night-before-it's-due school essays we're all so painfully familiar with perpetrating. (Admittedly, a lot of us got pretty good at being zero-hour coherent by the time we got to high school, but apparently, this skill does not translate to timetravel via stellar slingshots and demigod trolls.) So that leaves us with -

Picard Season 2: A Trek in Four Acts Loosely Disjointed and Sloppily Squished Together Parts. Feast your eyes, rub your temples, and buckle up.

CRIS AND THERESA'S WILD RIDE: (Love story, social commentary, classic Trek shiz focused on the more touching/emotional side of temporal shenanigans.)

RENEE PICARD'S TIME HEIST AND EVEN WILDER RIDE: (Classic Trek shiz, classic time travel fuckery, focuses on the more action-packed side of temporal shenanigans.)

THE RED HERRING, AKA THE ROCKY HORROR PICARD SHOW:

Supposedly the main plot, but really a completely ridiculous distraction that's the narrative equivalent of dumping sand in the snowglobe and violently shaking it up. Captain Picard takes a wrong turn at Albuquerque and has to go do the Timewarp (again) in some creepy old castle so he can be magically transported back home. Yeah, okay buddy, just don't forget the teddy and the TP rolls to throw around the theater.

Cut this entire arc out, and the season improves substantially in both enjoyability and coherence. (I said what I said.) If any of the four major threads don't belong, don't move the story forward, and only serve to muck things up - it's this one. It's not so much an arc as a collapsible squiggly line that looks like it might go somewhere but never does. Great if you're drunk with a shadow cast and some floorwalkers. Not so great if you're actually trying to figure out WTF is going on.

TAPESTRY RIDES AGAIN, AKA GRAND THEFT BORG QUEEN LOS ANGELES: And now for the main event, which was literally announced as such in one of the episodes, by two people breaking the fourth wall who were probably the LAST people anyone was expecting to break the fourth wall: Seven and Raffi. So naturally, we viewers took it as a couple of throwaway comments and cute banter to lighten the dark/intense mood of all the other crap. Yeah, oops. We can't say they didn't warn us.

At one point the two of them are joking around, talking about how they're the main event, and all these other side stories are just side stories, but...yeah. Looking back after S3, that was not a joke, and it goes above and beyond the call of foreshadowing. It was a flat-out tell, and with ALL the potential fourth wallbreakers in S2 - Q, the Borg Queen, The Traveller, the Long-Lived Alien Bartender With Multiple Mysterious Powers, The Temporally Flexible Romulan Spy Of Dubious Origin - if somebody's gonna spill some futuristic tea, it's gotta be one of them, right? RIGHT? Nope. Seven and Raffi snuck in the back door.

Basically, the Grand Theft Borg Queen arc was Tapestry, but for Seven (and Raffi and Jurati to an extent). Jurati and Raffi were, IMHO, initially intended to be pieces on the gameboard, not players, but they made themselves into major players. To what extent Jurati's involvement in outsmarting the Borg Queen was meant to be a challenge for her by Q, or part of Seven's trial that Jurati unwittingly assisted in IDK, and ditto Raffi's major role in all the aforementioned drama, but either way - Seven finally accepting herself the way she is, Borg hardware and all, was a direct, not even subtle parallel to the TNG episode Tapestry.

The most direct link is the scene in Tapestry where Picard realizes he'd rather die as his true self than live as his other-universe self who "corrected" the "mistake" that led to his artifical heart. Seven accepted that she would rather live as her Ex-B true self than die as a fully organic human, and in doing so, passed the test.

And Jurati and Raffi played no small part in that realization, and passed their own tests in the process - with Raffi embracing Seven (literally and figuratively) while resisting the urge to manipulate Cris out of choosing his own fate, and Jurati outsmarting and merging herself with the damn Borg Queen to protect humanity and her friends. Seven passed the Q Troll test with flying colors, and Raffi and Jurati did too - giving us Elnor and a benevolent Borg Queen in the future as a result. (Q is totally one of those teachers who gives his students rewards for passing the Big Test.)

Fire up S2 of Picard, get your Fast Forward button ready, and follow the Grand Theft Borg Queen: Los Angeles arc and ONLY that arc. Skip over every single thing (other than Q monologing, as that's the one common thread) that doesn't have Seven, Raffi, and/or Jurati. You'll get an entirely different experience. It's Tapestry, but for Seven, and with different tests/opportunities for Jurati and Raffi. (And they all pass).

Now do it again, but FF anything that ISN'T either part of the Renee Picard Time Heist plotline or part of Cris and Theresa's story. You'll get a classic Back to the Future, MCU, Reset the Timeline, Poke-An-Alternate-Reality's-Doom-Destination-With-A-Stick style story. And they all pass too. Cris and Theresa get their happily ever after and punt the primeline forward through the next generation of temporally paradoxical, adopted and found family members.

As for the BS at Chateau Picard? It's all a decoy/charade. So come in costume, bring plenty of shit to throw, and chug the wine. You'll need it.

#Star trek picard #Star trek fan theories #Seven of nine #star trek q #raffi musiker #agnes jurati #cristobal rios #The Borg Queen #Borg fuckery #jean luc picard #star trek tng #Star trek tng episode Tapestry #text post ahoy

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