#drinking* I can’t spell smh

[mackthecheese]

Et’s Chewsday

[divainity-aa]

relations  tag  dump.

[luckysliceofbread]

What me and my friends would do if we got isekai-ed into Genshin

Just note that this isn’t going to be 100% serious and that I made this for fun and to make fun of my friends because I love them. If any of them are reading this. Suffer. Alright start reading

Tw: Death, Normal Genshin Violence, Car accident, swearing

I guess it’s a crack fic? I dunno.

I’m gonna use @’s and Nicknames for the sake of both privacy and shouting out my friend’s tumblrs :D

Prologe (spelling? Who’s that?): The whole group was hanging out again after the lockdown ended, they were all going to their local mall to get some boba and cause chaos. 

However on their way, a truck had lost control and went off the road, hitting everyone and sucssesfully killing all of them. So they were given a second chnace at life in the world of Teyvat, which was coincidentally the world that a few of them were obsessed with.

They were gifted with “protagonist powers” as they called it.

@bring-me-a-wisteria-tea 

Element: Electro

Weapon: Catalyst

Teyvat name: Amai

The one who named called our powers “protaganist powers”

I can assure you they didn’t actually expect to be able to literally have the classic isekai mc powers

Also the one who called this a litteral isekai

Doesn’t sleep

Almost ever

Stays up with Snail at night to “keep watch”

Cmon we all know you just don’t sleep smh

Designated therapist of the therapist

Kind of knows how to cook? 

Not really

Tried asking Snail to make mochi

Wanted to try the alchahol that Cloud brought back to their camp one night

Was stopped by Snail

Was trying to beat my ass when they learnt I signed everyone up for the adventurers guild

Probably should’ve asked first :’)

The scariest fighter

If they didn’t have a catalyst they’d be slaughtering everything in litteral seconds

The secret weapon :)

“Oh shit a metachurl”

“Move, bitch, I’ll handle this”

@red-dangan-mods-forever

Element: Pyro

Weapon: Sword

Teyvat name: Tokio

The happiest

Gets away from their world?

Drama just went bye bye

S W O R D

Sets the fire for the food

Surprisingly good with a sword??

You’d think they’d kinda suck at it

Or at least be mediocre at best

But they’re actually pretty good with a sword

Probably why they were given it tbh

Despises artifacts

“What do you mean we need to go into some creepy forest for Pyro Artifacts??”

“Oh god there’s three abyss mages, we’re totally dying here.”

“Ayo, can you help us cook smth.”

“Oh god not again, I’m going to burn this forest to the ground.”

@yourlocaldeoderantstick

Element: Geo

Weapon: Claymore

Teyvat name: Ghostie (We’re calling them Child and Childe can’t stop us)

Practically dies after a battle

You can tell they’re not very athletic

I mean none of us are

But shshshshshsh

Absolutely throws rocks at Timmy’s birds

Has the “keep everyone entertained so they don’t run into battle like lunatics” job

Doesn’t cause that much touble at all

The favourite child

Stays up at night and tries to train

Almost doesn’t fail

Once accidentally ran into the four ruin guard boss fight

Ended pretty well for a giant team of... eight I think??

Became best friends with Barbara

Element: Dendro

Weapon: Polearm

Teyvat name: Snail

Would’ve been discount Xiao if they had anemo (jkjkjkjkjk)

Doesn’t sleep at night 2.0

No seriously

This time it’s actually to defend everyone

Designated chef

Caries all the ingrediants

The only sane person

Doesn’t understand anything about the world

“Woah, we got that much mora from clearing this camp! We need to do this more often.”

No don’t

We’re gonna die by the time we get enough mora to eat

Suggested everyone to split up and go clear camps for more mora

“Don’t just go throwing yourself into hilichurl camps unprepared!”

“Listen I love you but I have no idea how to make mochi.”

“GOD NO DON’T DO THAT-”

sorry not sorry for making you the group parent

Element: Cryo

Weapon: Sword

Teyvat name: Cloud

The second designated chef

Immediately goes into the tavern to see if they can drink

Looks and sounds old enough to be considered an adult >:CCC

Screw you and your old looks 

We’re gonna call you boomer from now on

Came back to our camp with multiple bottles of alchahol

Nobody even drank it

Not even Cloud

Now it’s just kinda...

there...

“Well what now.”

“I dunno.”

“Do we drink it?”

“I’m not drinking whatever’s in there.”

“And I’m not letting you drink! Definately not now.”

Element: Anemo

Weapon: Sword

Teyvat name: Dun

Hey it’s me :D

time to bully

Local dumbass of the group

Designated therapist

Can’t cook for SHIT

But I know the map pretty well :D

The only one who’s played the whole game so far

As in spend too much time wandering around aimlessly to give a shit

Will not step one foot into Dragonspine

Fuck that place I swear

Got everyone to learn a song and now everyone sings it

Doesn’t fight very well but good at dodging and running tf away

Ignores camps of any kind like the plague

Helped build the teams

Also signed everyone up for the adventurers guild so they could make more money

“Yes I know this requires us to beat a Ruin guard. We can take it, all of us just need to jump it and stab it in the eye.”

We saw Barbara after that

“KIMI O ISSO ISSO INAKUNARE”

“KAWARENAI KONO MAMA NARA TABUN-”

“OH GOD, SOMEONE MAKE IT STOP!”

[36txears]

( ´ ▽ ` ) Demon Slayer (Tanjiro, Gyuii,Emnu, Inosuke,) Cheating on you, And things they would do to make it up to you)

⚠️WARNING ⚠️ (NSWF, 18+)-(public-train fingering)

Lets Begin...

Tanjiro

•He wouldn’t cheat, But let’s say he did, He got drunk one night while going out with Inosuke, Rengoku and Tengen Uzui.

•Some girl came up to him telling him to come to a hotel with her, He agreed and went with her, Tengen and Rengoku, and Inosuke were passed out at the bar,

•It gets late and you call Tanjiro he doesn’t pick up 3 times, you get worried and track his phone back to a hotel, after you get suspicious about it you go ahead and open the door to see him passed out in the bed with someone else you take pictures, so when he come home you can show him what happened.

•The Sun came out and so did he, you heard the door open while you were in your room sitting on the chair, He thought he could get away with it and when he walked in he saw you face running out with mascara and your phone in your hand with a picture of last night.

•He try’s to explain, you yell at him while he cry’s over you, you guys go back and forth on arguing, you leave the room and he comes behind you and grabbing you from the back, “I’m sorry y/n please forgive I won’t do it again I promise I was sober and I lost my mind please I beg of you and I’ll do anything” you stand still while he says that and you decide to forgive him but on some condition.

•You tell him he will never be allowed to go out to bars or to drink ever again, he agrees and hugs you tightly knowing that you still felt sad.

•He buys Flowers, Chocolate, Boba, and even take you shopping while paying for everything to make it up to you.

Inosuke

•He would get confused with you for someone else, Here’s what happened, You get to the mall to met up with him and a girl looks exactly like you, Inosuke thinks it’s you so he leans in to kiss the girl, the girls kisses back and you run up to him smacking his face,”HOW COULD YOU I TRUSTED YOU,AND YOU DO THIS??” Inosuke looks at the girl then you and the girl falls back like she tripped on air smh, “So who’s the real one?” You smack him again because you tell him you don’t have short hair, “I swear I thought it was you”

• The girl who he thought was you, had disappeared.”Oh really okay then so I hope it will be easy to find someone else then” you twist your head and body and run out not even looking back at him, After a couple of hours He calls about 300 times and sending emojis since he can’t spell “💔❤️❗️❗️👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨” (let me translate I want to fix your broken heart and get back together). You ignore it for a while.

•He ends up coming to your house in surprise, begging for you to stay with him, low-key crying his heart out so much he has a red face from crying alway to your house.

•you feel an emotional wave coming to you and can’t stand it you go up to him at then say “ i over reacted forgive me” he looks in your eyes you have a small smile while forming a tear,

•he hug jumps you and cry in your hair, “ Yes I do...I forgive you”.

Gyuii

•He was away for a while, he had a girl best friend who had a crush on him

•While they were on a mission, you were home and changing to go see him as a surprise, After their mission Gyuii and his girl best friend went to get a drink, when it was getting late and they were in town she stopped and he looked back and walked up to her to ask if she’s okay “you oka-“ she pushes him towards her a kisses him his eyes widen.

•you find him and he’s just in surprise and couldn’t move, you stand there and throw the gift that was for him at his head, he comes back to life and pushes her away and try’s to walk up to you knowing that you would get it the wrong way.

• “She pus-,” you ran before he could finish, “ since he is a demon slayer he’s pretty fast he runs to get you but you make it to the crowd where you blend more with people, you make it to the train station and get in before he finds you

•he send letters and cards in forgiveness waiting for you to answer, when your not there is was shearing tears, he knew he was going to lose another one.

•after a week you send a letter “Dear Gyuii, I forgive you but I want to get some time alone I don’t feel to well for mom what happened, my head is still spinning, if you want we can go out just this once and you can formally explain what happened, ~Your Truly y/n”

•after 4 hours he comes to your house with a Bouquet of flowers that are your favorite, you walk up to him to collect them, but before that he already pushed your arms towards him and hugged you in you hugged back.

•he picked you up and kissed your entire face, and then said sorry one more time...

Emnu

•emnu wouldn’t cheat at all but let’s say he did, he was a sensei to another girl teaching her some how to defend in a fight, they get together on the train and go to those that have a room and a door.

•you were kind of..... spying, because you felt something was going on.

•the girl that was with emnu was really close you were by the door try to hear their conversation, but before he could finish a sentence he leaned in to kiss her you hear the sound and open the door.

• emnu pushes her off then looks at you with his eyes opened all the way, the girl stop was there so she got out, you close the door and lock it and yell your highest voice at him, he sheds into tears, you go to unlock the door and leave,

•he pushes you by the waist on his lap and puts his mouth over your lips and hold you tightly so you won’t be able to escape, your trying to move but it was to hard to,

•he moves his hands down to your clit and makes a circle, you move as tug you legs but it doesn’t work and he’s getting into heat and your getting just a little bit to, you squeeze your thighs but he proceeds to go under you clothes and just stick it in, letting out a soft moan.

•he pulls down you clothes and unzips and starts to use his hands to move you hips, but you get to your stop you dress quickly and help him, when you get out side to go to your house with him he hugs you from behind and says “I’m sorry, I love you” you turn around and hug him back.

Hiiiii💕💕 Let me know what else you guys want byeeeee😊🌸🌸

[qjhughes]

here’s my very specific dni post - dni if: you’re a l*rrie/k*ylor, you’re a y*nkees fan, you’re so far up harry’s ass that you can’t take two seconds to step back and say that he did something wrong, you choose to sleep with socks on, you hate cats, you’re a horse girl, you write everything in cursive, you think shawn mendes kissing camila’s f*ot is cute, you’re still streaming love story instead of love story (taylor’s version), you project the fact that you “always hated one direction”/”i never liked them”, you like fics/gifs/art instead of reblogging them, you don’t wear masks during the pandemic, you’re rude to fast food workers and/or retail workers (just customer service in general, really), you don’t leave barking noises in the tags of hot pictures, you prefer beef ramen noodles over chicken ramen noodles, you’re racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, etc., you don’t like hozier, you don’t like lorde, your entire personality is hating certain celebrities, you make fun of others for the things that they like, you’re a republican, you think that getting paid enough to live is wrong if you don’t have a college degree, you’re a stuffed animal hater, you drink bang energy and like it more than monster, you can fall asleep without any noise and/or any medicine, you’re bts fan and scream it from the rooftops, you love eggs, you hate pancakes, you’re trilingual (or more), you have a peanut allergy, you’re lactose intolerant, you’re an aquarius, you are/were a private school kid, you’re favorite one direction album isn’t four or made in the am, reputation isn’t in your top 5 taylor swift albums, you don’t think that long hair harry is superior, you skip treat people with kindness when you listen to fine line, you don’t drink water, you hate the taste of water, you don’t have any sideblogs, you’ve changed your url less than five times since you got tumblr, you have asthma, you were team edward or team jacob (the correct answer is carlisle, obviously), you were team gale even after peeta used basically all of the interview time that he had to praise katniss and tell the world that he was in love with her so that people would try their best to keep her alive (he literally made her who everyone wanted smh), you hate machine gun kelly just because of the rap battle with eminem that was most likely definitely a pr stunt, you have what seems like hundreds of playlists but absolutely zero liked songs on spotify, you use apple music, you preorder the new iphone every time that it comes out, you called people broke because they didn’t want to spend over a hundred dollars on wireless headphones when their wired ones work just fine, you find pete davidson attractive in any way, you think that timothee chalamet (is that how you spell it? i always call him toothbrush chamomile so idk) is attractive even though he looks like a drowned rat that got electrocuted as well, you hate country music, you despise the green bay packers, you’re the kind of person that’s like “i have a secret” and then won’t tell anyone just so people will be interested, you tell on people at school for having a dab pen right after you begged to hit it, you listened to panic! at the disco one (1) time in middle school and told everyone that you were edgy and depressed, your favorite holiday is easter, you have a good relationship with your entire family, or if you’ve never cut your hair yourself

[scarabbai]

What the- i swear I thought I was following you for a long time- I just saw that it wasn't the case smh. Your rr au literally fascinates me. Like I have always had the idea if how they would be in an rr situation. So about this childhood incident you mentioned, what is it. Can I know?

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LIKING MY AU (🥺) AND DW, YOUVE ACTUALLY BEEN FOLLOWING FOR A WHILE! Tumblr has a tendency to say you’re not following when you’ve most definitely been following the whole time for some reason??

As for the childhood incident, yes! I might write some of the scenes I’m about to mention in more detail later, but I’ll share what happened now since it’s really important in defining role reversed Jamil and Kalim’s current relationship. It also provides an important glimpse into what it used to be.

(Full story under the cut bc SERIOUSLY I went WAY overboard and it’s super long OTL)

When Kalim and Jamil first met, they weren’t anything close to friends. In fact, they barely got along. Their first meeting happened because Kalim was handpicked by Jamil’s father for his notable loyalty and dedication to the Vipers at his young age and introduced—more like presented—to Jamil as his new playmate and personal servant. Basically, it was Kalim’s job to be—or at least act as—Jamil’s friend.

Even at that young age, Jamil was a stuck up sourpuss who had already developed the nasty habit of looking down on others. After all, he was rich, spoiled, and practically a little prodigy. Nobody he met was ever at his level, and it’s not like he was ever taught humility. Naturally, he drove away practically everyone his own age and therefore didn’t have any friends. This concerned Jamil’s father and thus Kalim was brought into the picture. However, an important thing to note is that Jamil also happens to have a rebellious streak. He hates being coddled and is already very frustrated with his father’s constant attempts to keep him safe (with bodyguards, babysitters, etc) since he feels like he’s “being babied.” Bc of this, he’s very skeptical upon Kalim’s arrival, accuses him of being some other kind of guard in disguise, and is just generally very rude to him.

Obviously that doesn’t sit well with Kalim and they end up bickering for a while (“I’m not a liar!” “Yes you are!”) before Kalim finally catches Jamil’s attention by admitting he isn’t that great with magic yet. This leads to them both calming down and talking about all the stuff in Jamil’s room, which then prompts Jamil to kinda show off his skills in magic as well as his belongings. Jamil’s father checks in on them and sees Kalim cheering Jamil on as he’s showing him a spell he learned, which gets Kalim officially approved to stay by Jamil’s side for the foreseeable future. They still aren’t proper friends at this point, though. Jamil gets annoyed by Kalim’s presence bc it’s a reminder that his dad is still trying to “run his life” by looking out for him, and Kalim is lowkey having second thoughts about this whole “important job” thing bc Jamil’s kinda mean...

Eventually they become more comfortable with each other’s presence, but they still aren’t really friends. They end up with more of a “mastermind and henchmen” dynamic instead, with Jamil leading them both into trouble while Kalim gets the short end of the stick as the (not very believable, so he never actually gets punished) scapegoat of most of Jamil’s schemes. By this point, Kalim has kinda just accepted that this is gonna be the way things are and doesn’t really question it, and Jamil stops seeing Kalim as a nuisance and more like a source of entertainment, praise, etc. Basically Jamil pushes Kalim around bc he knows he can get away with it and bc Kalim will always tell him what he wants to hear. Fun for Jamil! Not so fun for Kalim. This goes on for some time.

About several months to a year or so later, a festival in the city is announced. Being very sheltered and restricted his whole life, Jamil really wants to get out there and see the activities and events that are going to be hosted (especially the dancing! He’s super interested in all the different types of dance that’ll be showcased at the festival). However, his dad comes in the night before the festival and forbids Jamil from going bc “there’s too many people and it’ll be dangerous,” not revealing that he’s heard news of the family’s enemies in the area. Knowing his son is a little schemer but also that he’ll be very upset, he calls Kalim in to stay with Jamil for the rest of the night and the next day not only to make sure he won’t try anything but also to hopefully cheer him up.

Despite knowing full well that orders from his dad > his own wishes and that Kalim has to listen to his dad over him since his dad outclasses him in authority, Jamil’s bitter enough to poke the hornet’s nest and try to bait Kalim into helping him sneak out anyway. In doing so, he pulls some pretty guilt trippy stuff and whines about how he clearly doesn’t have any “real friends” since “real friends” help each other do stupid stuff like sneaking out. He doesn’t expect this to work at all given Kalim’s strict adherence to authority and rules, but he does it anyway bc taking out his frustration over his father’s actions on Kalim is easier than just quietly accepting his dad’s attempt to protect him.

Jamil ends up severely underestimating three very important factors:

Kalim’s own desire to go to the festival

How much his happiness matters to Kalim

The fact that Kalim actually does see him as a friend/hopes they can be true friends

Kalim gets pretty quiet for the rest of the night, and when his required time keeping Jamil company is up, he leaves the room without a word. This makes Jamil all disappointed and kinda upset with himself bc he thinks he’s gonna get ratted out, but nothing ends up happening. The next morning, Kalim shows up to Jamil’s room with two sets of casual clothes from his own wardrobe in his hands and a smile on his face. To Jamil’s utter shock (Kalim has never gone against orders before, especially ones directly from his dad), Kalim explains that he used his usual credibility to his advantage and managed to lie his way to a perfect cover for the both of them, and if they leave now nobody will notice until they’re long gone. He broke the rules for the sake of Jamil’s happiness, and that’s a gesture that means so much to them both it makes Jamil feel kinda funny.

He brushes it off though bc this is his moment! This is the chance he’s been waiting for, and all the different plans and ways to sneak out he thought of while lying awake the night before can finally be put into action with Kalim’s help! With the combined power of Jamil’s strategic thinking and some extra strength/height boosts from Kalim, they manage to make it off the property with the others none the wiser. In order to keep things lowkey, they’re both dressed in the casual clothes Kalim brought, and Jamil has Kalim stop addressing him as “Master Viper/Master Jamil” for the time being so they just seem like two regular kids instead of the Viper heir and his servant. It’s just a small, temporary thing, and Jamil doesn’t even pay it any mind, but it turns out to be a very important equalizing factor for them both. Suddenly, their social standings aren’t nearly as skewed.

Jamil knows exactly what he wants to do at the festival and fully expects things to go his way the whole time, but when they arrive, he sees something he never expected to, and it causes him to forget about his schedule and all the things he was gonna immediately drag Kalim to see and do:

Standing in the sun and in the thick of all the lively activity, Kalim is practically glowing with excitement, flourishing in the crowds and people, his face lighting up in a way Jamil has never seen in the year or so they’ve known each other. He’s so happy and alive and it throws Jamil off completely bc he’s never seen Kalim THIS joyful before. He’s never seen Kalim in his natural element even though they see each other almost every day.

Seeing this change in Kalim leaves Jamil stunned long enough for Kalim to get ahead of himself in excitement and grab Jamil’s hand to pull him along and see all the stalls and colorful sights and gawk and admire all the things they have for sale, things that Kalim knows he can’t afford but wow isn’t it nice to see all these things anyway even if he can’t have them (even if he wishes he could have them) and he’s so starry eyed and he’s pointing out things to Jamil who is still struck by this liveliness in Kalim that he’s never seen before, so shocked and entranced by the life in Kalim’s eyes and the way he’s speaking so fast that his words almost blend together that he reaches into his pocket and pays for each and every trinket Kalim stares longingly at just to keep on seeing his smile, just to see the way Kalim brightens up and jumps up and down with excitement and gratitude (“thank you Jamil-sama, thank you thank you thank you!”) and he lets Kalim be the star of the show for the very first time, lets him be the one in charge of the schedule, following him here and there as Kalim sees something that grabs his attention and then they’re both off like a jet, Kalim weaving through crowds like an expert while Jamil tags along clumsily behind, singing and laughing and there’s this one moment, one magical moment when Kalim stops at a stand selling coconut juice and when he mentions it’s his favorite drink, his favorite flavor ever, Jamil buys them both one coconut each without hesitation, watching as Kalim enjoys his drink like it’s the best thing in the whole entire world (and watching Kalim, he could almost think it was too, even if he doesn’t like it nearly as much) and wonders how in the world he managed to mess up so badly to know someone for so long and still never know his favorite food, to see each other every day but never once see Kalim like this, with so much joy, and Jamil stands there, sipping his coconut juice as Kalim sings and dances in place as they watch a concert performance together, wondering where he went so wrong, wondering when he forgot Kalim was a real person, wondering if he ever realized Kalim lived and breathed and had feelings.

It’s the wakeup call Jamil didn’t know he needed. He realizes for the first time how little Kalim gets to have some fun of his own whenever they play together, how he’s always the one dragging Kalim into messy situations, how Kalim may have been kinda happy when they’re together but clearly he’s never been truly happy in all of the time they’ve spent together, how Kalim is a real friend who cares and puts up with so much while Jamil has been nothing but a bully and an asshole.

As the sun sets and he and Kalim are heading back to the estate, Jamil thinks about this a lot. He feels extremely guilty over his shitty attitude and resolves to do better, to be proper friends with Kalim, to be nicer and kinder and to appreciate the people and things he has in his life. He’s going to fix things. He’s going to do it right from now on.

Unfortunately for them both, Jamil is too lost in thought to notice that someone else has noticed him.

The next sequence of events is a blur to Jamil. One moment he’s walking through a less populated street side by side with a friend he’s wronged, and the next, said friend is pushing Jamil out of the way as some rando swipes at him. They both land in a heap on the floor, but adrenaline gives Kalim the speed to recover, grab Jamil’s hand, and make a break for it before the person can make another attempt at grabbing them. Jamil’s too disoriented and in too close a range to prepare a good enough spell to get the person off their tail, so they’re both in big trouble as they run through shortcuts and alleyways to get home faster while their pursuer is hot on their heels. Eventually their luck runs out, and the person catches up to them.

Kalim is no bodyguard, but he still throws himself between Jamil and the attacker to protect him. It’s two little kids against one adult. The way the person looms over them is terrifying, they’re both shaking, Jamil is on the floor bc Kalim pushed him too hard when he tried to tell him to just leave him behind and run for it, and Kalim himself is screaming his poor lungs out, crying for help in hopes that he’ll catch the attention of the people milling about. He does, but not before he takes a severe blow to the head and goes down hard. With the help of both some alarmed bystanders and a blast of Jamil’s tearful, rage-fueled magic (“NO!! KALIM!!! KALIM!!!”), the pursuer gets taken out and the bystanders, who recognize who Jamil is, contact the authorities and his family. They stay with him while Jamil hugs Kalim’s unconscious body and cries his eyes out bc this wasn’t supposed to happen, he should have listened, Dad was right, he was stupid, he got them both hurt, Kalim isn’t smiling anymore, he won’t open his eyes, there’s so much blood everywhere, there’s so much blood coming from Kalim’s head—

In almost no time at all, Jamil’s dad, some bodyguards, and one of the family’s healers arrive at the scene to find Jamil inconsolable and Kalim injured. Kalim gets some emergency healing from the medic, but his wound is deemed too severe for the magic to be able to reverse all the damage at once and therefore he needs to be rushed back to the manor’s infirmary. Jamil’s dad gently pulls Jamil away from Kalim so he can be taken to properly heal, holding his crying son close as he watches the medic carry away a much too still, much too small body. When they head back to the estate, he picks up his son and carries him the whole way, and Jamil doesn’t even have the energy to interrupt his sobbing to complain. Jamil’s father tries to ignore the blood staining his son’s clothes, the red on his hands, and keeps going. He cleans him up when they get back (and tries, again, not to feel sick as he sees the color of the water) and that night, Jamil is too afraid to sleep in his own room. He reads bedtime story to his son for the first time in a long while, and when Jamil finally falls asleep, curled up with tears still clinging to his eyelashes, Mr. Viper stays awake a little longer to watch over him.

It takes days just for Kalim to open his eyes again, and there’s a new scar waiting for him when he does.

[pecherlecriture]

smoking with tom

helloooo, I finally decided to post this fic and I really hope u guys like it, is basically fluff w tom🖤

English is not my first language so I'm sorry if there's spelling mistakes💫

don't forget to send your request ab timothée, tom or harry if u want

-look at him, looking all giggly n happy n shit. what a bitch-

the witcher was playing on the tv, both you and tom were 'watching' it, well actually tom was on his phone and you were paying really close attention to henry cavill abs. hours passed and tom was extremely bored to say the least

"hey bub?"tom asked softly, and you didn't answer

'bubs?" he asked again and looked at you and notice you were stuck watching the television. curious he look at the same spot you were and notice almost instantly why you weren't listening to him.

"oh c'mon" he said and grab the remote turning off the tv

"hey I was watching that" you screamed

"yeh I could tell, ya didn't even answer me when I called ya" he said

"well, I'm sorry I was watching tv"

"i don't care I'm bored" he pouted and you giggled at his childish attitude

"god you're such a baby" you laugh again and stand up from the bed, he following right behind you

"no I'm not, I just want my baby to pay attention to me' he says and grab you by your waist "and I wanna do something fun because I'm really really bored"

"and what should we do then huh?" you asked and turned around so you were able to see his face.

his cute little face becomes shy all of the sudden and he hides it on your neck

"what were you thinking baby?" you giggle quietly and grab his face with your hands

"ya think we could maybe, I don't know..." his eyes travel from your eyes to the floor "get high and watch a funny movie or something?" he says and you are in shock, being honest. he had never mention any interest on wanting to smoke weed any time you were smoking a blunt or using your bong.

you and tom have been living together for a long time all ready, from the start he knew you liked smoking weed even when you guys weren't dating and just shared friend in common he would always think you looked extremely beautiful when you smoked.

you smiled at him and answer "of course baby, I would love to smoke with you" you say happily and stand up to grab all of your stuff "you just want a blunt or what?" you ask tom and he just nods, you walk to your room and grab a bag with some weed, your grinder , a lighter and some paper for tom, and you grab a cute little bong for yourself.

you go back to the living room you found a rather excited tom and you couldn't help but giggle "are you okay there?" you ask and he looks at you smiling

"yeah just thinking" you sit down next to him and put everything you have in your hand on the table.

"ya' gonna use your bong?" he ask looking very excited to smoke you can't help but giggle. you nod and start rolling him a blunt, you've been smoking for years so you consider yourself very good at it.

"would it be ok if I smoke on it as well?" he ask shyly and you look back at him "are you sure?I mean I know is not your first time smoking but I just wanna be sure" he smiles, grabs your face and kisses you in the mouth "I'm sure bubs, I might cough a lot but I think i'll be ok" you both laugh because you know that was definitely gonna happen.

"ok then" you stop rolling the blunt "do you want me to go first?" you ask and he nods

"yeh, maybe you could teach me how to do it right without dying"

you grab your bong and you load the burner (idk how you say this in English sorry haha)

you move it to your mouth and grab the lighter. you tell tom to pay close attention to what you're doing, you inhale the smoke that comes from your bong, you close your eyes for a second and exhale the smoke.

"wow" you hear beside you and you look at tom "what?" you ask with a smile.

he was looking at you as if you were a living work of art " from the first time we hang out and ya were smoking I couldn't help but just stare at ya and think how fucking breathtaking ya looked" he admits and you feel so full of love. you get close to him and you kiss him "are you ready my love?" you look at his eyes and he smiles even more "as ready as ya can be" he kisses your forehead.

you fill the bong a let him grab it "I'm gonna use the lighter ok? the moment I take this out you inhale" you say pointing at the burner and he nods

"getting kinda nervous now love" he giggles and you grab his face "it's ok baby, just try to enjoy it"

he puts his mouth to it (never though I would want to be a bong smh)

"start inhaling very slowly I take this out and you do one more time a little harder ok? but be careful I don't want you to choke" you both laugh

"think I got it" he starts to inhale and you take the burner out "inhale" you say and he does as you say.

"oh fuck" he says right after he starts coughing and you grab the little bottle of water you had on the table and gave it to him "you ok baby" you say and he keeps coughing but nods

"uuhh" he says when he finally stopped coughing "that shit was strong" he giggles

"I told you to do it slowly" you kiss his hand.

"yeh i know I'm sorry" he says with a very big smile on his face, you laugh and kiss him.

"i always get very excited when I smoke" he mentioned and I grab his hand "like my heart start beating very fast" he laughs

"that's very normal actually, but just now that nothing bad is going to happend to you, nobody has ever died from weed" he looks zoned out, his eyes had a little shade of red and he can't stop smiling

"you wanna watch a movie now?" he stands up excited "oh, that's a good a idea I'm gonna go get some snack" he grabs your face hard and kisses you and you can't help but giggle.

you grab the remote and say goodbye to henry calvil abs deciding which movie the two of you should watch.

scary movie comes to view and you decide to watch that one, tom comes back with some drinks and food and you press play.

the whole time you were watching the movie you couldn't pay much attention to it because of tom giggles and because from time to time he would randomly start talking about something completely random and you couldn't stop laughing as well, also I didn't help that very close to the end of the movie he started to get horny and decided it was a good idea to start playing with your boobs while kissing your neck and you both ended up doing some other things.

what a shitty fucking end I'm so sorry, I just didn't know how to wrap it😔👊🏻

this is my first non smut fic so Idk how i feel about i just know that I really like getting high n i wish i could do it one day w tom🤧🖤

[yikeswtfmate]

(1) New Message from Unknown Number

main masterlist // (1) New Message Masterlist // next part

Summary: Y/N is drunk and can’t remember her ex’s number.

A/N: Hello, it is I, the idiot who writes Social Media AUs when she’s drunk but is too lazy to put them in the proper format and just leaves them to die somewhere on her laptop

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader (Social Media AU - that’s a lie, it’s actually just texts in Word format 🤡)

Warnings: swearing, dumbassery

Unknown Number: Hey asshat so listen

Unknown Number: I kno we hvnt spoken since like

Unknown Number: High school but whateve idc

Unknown Number: U’re an asshle so I dnt even care that its like…

Unknown Number: 3 in the morning nvrmd

Unknown Number: Ive ben dared to txt my hottest ex by these evil witchS so

Unknown Number: Here u go

Unknown Number: At least u had decent abs so congrats on tht jfc

Unknown Number:  also u dnt get to complain abt this txt bc like

Unknown Number: u dated me for 6 months on a dare so U KNOW WHat this shuold feel like ya

Unknown Number: Wow dude that sounds like a dick move

Unknown Number: Seriously who the hell dates someone for 6 months on a dare?

Unknown Number: Doesn’t that only happen in movies though?

Unknown Number: hey bitchass dont act like u don’t kno what im talkinG abt

Unknown Number: Oh shit yeah, sorry. I don’t know who this asshole of an ex is but I sure as hell am not him

Unknown Number: Dude sounds like a complete waste of human space

Unknown Number: And I think I wouldn’t get to live it down if my friends would hear I did something that shitty

Unknown Number: Wait lemme ask Sam

Unknown Number: Nah, he says Steve would’ve beaten my ass if I were to do that so there u go

Unknown Number: m sorry who tf are u

Unknown Number: Bucky

Unknown Number: what kind of stupid name is bucky

Unknown Number: Shit man, u’re the one blowing up my phone at 3 in the morning, sending me weird ass messages when I don’t even know u and u dare say my name is stupid???

Unknown Number: Sheit srry

Unknown Number: Is been A long night

Unknown Number: nd week

Unknown Number: Actlly make thAt the whle entire fuckin month

Girl with asshole ex: Srry fr bothering u

Unknown Number: It‘s cool

Girl with asshole ex: Hey the witches ask if ure hot

Bonky: Yeah

Girl with asshole ex: WHAT THE FCK MAN AT LEST BE A LIL BIT HUMBLE SMH

Bonky: U wanted me to lie?

Girl with asshole ex: Fair point

Girl with asshole ex: They wnt a pic

Girl with asshole ex: Pic or it didn’t happen punk

Girl with asshole ex: Tht was nat

Bonky: What kind of party are u at that you can constantly text me?

Girl with asshole ex: Wanda’s place

Girl with asshole ex: Girls night

Girl with asshole ex: Getting hammered on wine BITCH

Girl with asshole ex: Also dnt change the subject

Bonky: I don’t even know your name

Girl with asshole ex: Why would I tell u my name I just want to see a suppsdly hot asssd

Bonky: You know mine and now you want me to send u a pic of me

Bonky: Bit of a disadvantage here babe

Girl with asshole ex: Babe?

Girl with asshole ex: BABE?

Girl with asshole ex: Fine

Girl with asshole ex: BABE if I tell u my name will u send a pic of u so we kno u arnt a 60yr old perv

Bonky: I’ll think about it

Girl with asshole ex: Hey fuck u

Girl with asshole ex: Not fair

Bonky: How do I know you’re not the 60yr old perv?

Girl with asshole ex: Cuz she got big tiddies to prove

Girl with asshole ex: And that was wanda

Girl with asshole ex: So now u know my fridsn

Bonky: Still don’t know your name tho babe

Bonky: Also tell Wanda she shouldn’t give out this type of info to strangers

Girl with asshole ex: ure not a stranger anymore bonky

Girl with asshole ex: ure my babe nao

Bonky: I’m going to let that Bonky slide just bc u’re cute

Bonky: But I’m also going to stop replying until you tell me your name

Girl with asshole ex: U think im cute?

Girl with asshole ex: 

Girl with asshole ex: I mean u havnt even seen me but thats fair

Girl with asshole ex: Wand and nat say its true so ill believe u rnt lying to me rn

Girl with asshole ex: But I wanna see if ure cute

Girl with asshole ex: Wait why r u up st 3 in the mrng I mean we re drunk but wht r u doing

Girl with asshole ex: Babe u need to take better care of urself

Girl with asshole ex: Babe

Girl with asshole ex: Babe?

Girl with asshole ex: BABE?

Girl with asshole ex: Ph shit ure actually ignoring me

Girl with asshole ex: I dont like this

Girl with asshole ex: I actually like talking to u

Girl with asshole ex: Pls stop ignoring me

Girl with asshole ex: COME BACK AND LOBE ME

Girl with asshole ex: Babe?

Girl with asshole ex: Fine

Girl with asshole ex: It’s Y/N

Bonky: Now, that wasn’t so hard was it? 

Babe: fcuk u

Bonky: I’m up at 3 bc we ordered pizza and decided it’s time to beat Sam’s ass in Mario Kart once and for all

Babe: Nd how’s that going for ya?

Bonky: Bitch has been beating us for the past 3 hours

Bonky: Thor is the only one getting at least close to him now so we’re about to give up

Babe: Wait shit how r u replying so fast if ure playing Mario kart tho

Bonky: I gave up two hours ago

Babe: Quitter

Bonky: Just gotta know which fights to pick babe

Babe: Heads up I might be fallin asleep soon

Bonky: Drink some water before that, maybe get some food in u as well to soak up all the alcohol and have an advil close for tomorrow

Babe: Ok MOM

Bonky: Hey Wanda willingly told me you have “big tiddies” so your friends don’t seem to be doing a good job of taking care of you

Bonky: Might as well let me do it so you don’t die tmrw

Babe: Ohhhh so u careeeee babe im touched

Babe: Kkkkkk Ill talk tu u tmrw ill be dead soon

Babe: Nd I do have big tiddies

Bonky: Good night babe

*

Babe: What the shit

Bonky: I see you survived

Babe: Barely

Babe: My head might explode soon and I feel like I’ve vomited for an entire lifetime

Babe: TMI sorry

Bonky: I’d like to point out I’m glad I don’t have to decipher your texts anymore and that you can actually spell properly

Babe: Fuck you Buckaroo

Bonky: I would also like to remind you that I have on good authority that you have “big tiddies” so don’t make me use that against you

Babe: I am going to kill Wanda

Babe:Ugh I need coffee

Babe: I’ll talk to you later

Bonky: I’ll be waiting for you babe

*

Babe: So

Babe: BABE

Bonky: Yes baby?

Babe: 

Bonky: Nah, you love it

Babe: Fine

Babe: You still haven’t sent a pic of you though. I might be able to rise Nat and Wanda from the dead if you do

Bonky: What do I get in return?

Babe: The promise that I will keep replying even though you might turn out to be an ugly orc?

Bonky: Not enough

Babe: Fine. I’ll keep talking to you until you want me to stop. Or until I get bored of you

Bonky: Eh, you can do better

Babe: What do you WANT?

Bonky: A pic of you in return

Babe: I’m not sending you nudes, perv

Bonky: If I wanted to see you naked and be a dick about it, I could’ve asked last night, don’t worry

Bonky: But if you’ll know how I look it’s only fair I should know how you look

Babe: That sounds reasonable

Bonky: I’d say it’s a fair exchange

Babe: Fine, you first then

Bonky: If you don’t send me a pic of you afterwards babe I will stop replying, just so you know

Bonky:

Babe: Did you type super hot guy with the most beautiful eyes in the world in Google or something?

Bonky: I’m touched but no. Sam took that photo at a work event

Babe: Bitch do you really expect me to believe this is you? That looks like a guy who just stepped out of a magazine, I highly doubt I would have the luck to text him instead of my ex when drunk

Bonky:

Bonky: Are you always this annoying?

Babe: …

Bonky: What? Do you want me to take a selfie with the fucking newspaper now? I read the news online babe, I’m not getting off of this couch just so I can buy a stupid newspaper to prove it’s me

Babe: Do you have one in a suit?

Bonky: …why am I putting up with this?

Bonky: Hold on

Bonky:

Bonky: It’s been 5 minutes, are you going to reply?

Bonky: You still have to send me a picture of you though, a deal is a deal you know

Bonky: Fine, I warned you

Babe: Shit sorry

Babe: Hi Bucky, this is Natasha

Bonky: Hi Natasha. Is Y/N alright?

Babe: Uhm how should I put this?

Babe: Y/N is crying right now and she can’t reply herself

Bonky: What? What happened? Is she okay?

Babe: Oh yeah

Babe: She’s just crying because (and I’m quoting here) you’re “so beautiful, it’s like all my wet dreams and fantasies have come together. I swear this is some cosmic joke, this is not happening”

Babe: I’m not sure if she’s laughing or crying now

Babe: But she keeps yelling at me that I have to send you the most perfect picture of herself that has ever existed or you will stop talking to her

Babe: I think she started crying again because “I will never live up to that level of perfection, he told me that I have to know which fights to pick”

Babe: Uh yeah so here

Babe: 1 Photo Attached

Bonky: Hey Nat, could you tell Y/N that I would like to talk to her now?

Babe: Sure

Babe: Hey

Bonky: Baby?

Babe: Yeah?

Bonky: You picked the wrong fight if you think “you will never live up to this level of perfection”

Babe: Oh God

Bonky: Stop being an idiot

Bonky: And listen to me

Bonky: I would really like to keep talking to you. Mainly because you’re an idiot who makes me laugh, but it’s also the fact that you are the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen in my entire life

Babe:

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

an anon with pussy troubles

Okay so after I orgasm I can't do it anymore?? Like even if my mind wants to I just can't like nothing feels good anymore and there's no build up of pleasure or anything.

It's like a skill cooldown or something, I have to wait a couple of hours before I can get aroused again. But my mind is still horny but my clit won't listen!! Is that normal??? Everyone I know can go multiple rounds but I can't :((( And the worse part is I orgasm so easily so I can't even masturbate or have sex for longer than like 10 minutes!! Literally that's my record!! It's so embarrassing and there's so many things I want to try like squirting or teasing myself and I literally can't. My the way I have a vagina ((aka a pussy ( a cunt, if you will))) if I haven't mentioned it! I'm assuming you are also a pussy owner since your readers are pussy owners but if you are not that's alright. You have lots of sex experience so maybe you can ask one of your pussies (someone with a vagina, not a cat) for their experience.

Honestly now that I think about it maybe I'm overreacting but I really want to be able to orgasm multiple times in a row!!!!. If it takes practice idk what to do because I've been fucking ducking for years and it been the same!! :((( also sorry for grammar and maybe spelling lol I love alcohol

Does alcohol stop me from orgasming??? Please lmk if you find out it does. I don't think it makes sense, but you have more experience that I do

The way you wrote your message really made me laugh, I hope you don't mind XD Okay, with that out of the way, let's break this down!

Most important!

You don't need to orgasm or have multiple orgasms to have a good sexual experience.

Yes, it's true. The less you start thinking of sex as focusing solely on orgasm, the happier you'll be. You'll be able to fully enjoy the other parts of sex and you'll feel way less in your head about it. This leads into...

1) Is your case normal? Not sure if you're aware, but statistically speaking, half of the human population basically can only cum once and then have a cooldown period (I know, crazy right? Dicks are wild XD). Jokes aside, there are many pussy-owners who cannot orgasm easily at all and many who have a cooldown period as well. I'm not a doctor, but if you have an OB/GYN and you're concerned, you can chat about it with them.

2) Alcohol is a depressant. It does, in fact, make it harder to orgasm. Sexual response for all genders is reduced while drinking and usually not in a good way (RIP). There are medications and other drugs that can affect orgasm too, so it could be a side effect.

3) It sounds like you might be in your head a little (or maybe a lot XD) about this. If you came and you're still horny, there's still a lot to sex. Hands. Mouths. Squishy bits. Pleasure is not felt only from your clit or having an orgasm. If you're doing it with a partner, take care of them. Or, start off with other things - giving head, fingering, giving them a handjob, etc and save your orgasm for last. If your concern is the length of time, expand your repertoire and the foreplay.

4) I'm not sure how you're doing it. You say you orgasm easily but you don't really specify the kind of pleasure you need to feel to do so. You said you can't masturbate / have sex for longer than 10 minutes and also you can't tease yourself? But ten minutes is a long time (least it is for a dick being assaulted by my handiwork, oop). How aware of you of your own signals? Self-control? Do you have to go fast? Slow? Clit stimulation only with fingers or are you a vibrator user (because that could be why)? You don't have to answer me, but think for yourself. Maybe what you need is a change. If you always have the same routine, maybe your body is used to it. If you're always changing your routine, maybe your body can't get used to it. Try different things or maintain the same routine for a little while depending on which one you are. Buy a new sex toy; there's all kinds of stuff out there. Use lube when having penetrative sex to heighten the pleasure and maybe don't touch your clit until later. There's all sorts of fancy lube out there nowadays too.

5) Forget what everyone else is doing. Yeah. That's it. Just forget it and focus on your own pussy. XD

6) I can only speak for myself and I've always been able to cum multiple times. I will say I have had sex with people who can only cum once and are done (it's how the dick was designed, I guess, smh) and I've been able to, ahem, assist them in orgasming two or three times in one session on a consistent basis (provided I actually bother consistently fucking 'em). Most people don't build "tolerance" to my body - I don't allow for such a thing; I am always improving in my techniques of giving pleasure. Perhaps it's what you're doing and who you're doing it with, as in, are you always trying to be better at fucking and inspired by your partner to be better at fucking? I get "I'm still horny but the dick's asleep" a lot and my response is usually, "Well clearly your mouth still works and your fingers aren't broken, let's go" LOL You can be sexually satisfied giving and getting pleasure and it doesn't have to always lead to an orgasm.

Orgasm is not the the goal / end of sex and is simply just a small part of the journey. If you think of it this way, I think you will psych yourself out less - that might help you mentally and maybe even physically as well. <3

[books-and-cookies]

I’m back on my bullshit part 3

CRAVE LIVEBLOG PART 1

CRAVE LIVEBLOG PART 2

if you enjoy all this, buy me a coffee to keep me awake :)

* Seriously… why is this book so long

* “I am still the girl who just caused a fight between the alpha wolf and the most powerful vampire in existence” – damn girl, go off, I guess

* I forgot to mention the evil brother trope, didn’t i

* “Jaxon: I have lived to fight another da    Jaxon: Or should that be I have lived to bite another day…” - the corniness, the cheese… it’s dripping

* He can fly what the actual fuck lmaooooo

* “Can I?” he murmurs, his breath warm against my skin.    “Please,” I answer, arching my neck to give him better access.” – let’s pls appreciate the fact that he’s asking for consent blesssssss

* “For a moment, just a moment, some modicum of self-preservation rears its head. Has me calling Jaxon’s name. Has me arching back and struggling weakly against his hold. That’s when he snarls, his grip on me getting harder, tighter, as he pulls me more firmly against him. His fangs sink deeper and the moment of clarity fades as he begins to suck in earnest.” – oh shiiiiiit ohshitohshitohshit; and now he’s kicking her out what the fuck is wrong with this boyyyyy

* OH MY GOD WHAT A PLOT TWIST DFH;ASDHFASDHF;ASDHF;ADSHG;

* In hindsight it’s actually obvious as fuck, but whatever, I was enjoying the trash too much to Pay Attention™; also, I’m dumb

* Honestly though, with everything going on with these high school kids, all the feuds and the fights and the killing, it makes you wonder what’s going on with the adults. Like, how much drama are *they* having and why is no one writing *that* book

* “wonder how the hell I got myself kidnapped by both a vampire and a dragon in one night” – because the author felt the need to include as much DRAMA as possible and this is why this book is like 500 pages long

* ooooOOOOOOOooOOOOO a second plot twist; 10 points to Hufflepuff

* lord almighty, everyone wants to kill this girl #goals

* I told y’all they were mates smh

* To be perfectly honest, the vampires here are even more outrageous than smeyer’s – jaxon can fly, he has super strength, telekinesis and a sleuth of other shit, lia can do spells (????? Fuck witches, I guess), they don’t seem to struggle with thirst at all – tbh it’s pretty boring lmao

* “the alternative is standing around and watching another person I love die” – sweetieeeeee you’ve known him for a week, sweet mother of christ how do I explain it to this poor girl

* “A Bite  to Remember” – the CHAPTER TITLESSSSSS

* “it’s hard to imagine that it was just a couple of days ago that I found out about vampires” – yes, it is hard, but I’ve come to accept the trash that this story is and I just go with it, #yolo

* “he looks like hell—or at least, as close to hell as someone like him can look” – leave it to this girl to be on her deathbed and still appreciate the apparent epitome of masculinity and beauty that is jaxon #priorities #getthatD

* I am guessing we’ll have a twilight redo of the beginning of new moon, where he Goes Away™ because he is Bad For Her™ and doesn’t want to Put Her in Danger™; update – surprisingly, we do not

* There’s a vampire queen and I would just like to point out the potential this story could have had as a wlw

* “Say you believe me. Say you know it’s not your fault. Say—”   “I love you.” – iT’s BeEn A wEeK

* “Here at the school, Foster serves animal blood. If we drink only that, we can be outside in the sunlight. If we choose to…supplement with human blood, however, then we have to wait until it’s dark.” – what the crap lmao this makes no sense

* “Gargoyles can’t get trapped in their stone forms. If they don’t change back to human, it’s because they don’t want to.” - I FUCKING TOLD YOU SHE WAS SOMETHING SUPER SPECIAL AHAHAHAHAHA

* A fucking gargoyle, what a ride

* Okay so book one ends with grace trapped in stone (or whatever), to save jaxon from his big bad bother who came back from the dead after a ritual performed by his vampire girlfriend, that required some sort of sacrifice from a gargoyle, which grace INCIDENTALLY was

* Guys this was WILD, I am speechless, my two brain cells are celebrating the end of this whole mess, but tbh I will probably read book two because the Trash is Thriving™

[shirtlesssammy]

7x01: Meet the New Boss

Then:

Cas is God now, and I’ve never been more devout.

Now:

We start right where we left off. Cas wants the rest of TFW to love and respect him but they only fear him. Well, dude, you can explode them with a snap of your finger. Dean asks if he’s going to kill them. He has no need; They’re powerless against him, so they’re not going to try anything. Dean pleads with Cas again. But all Cas says is that he hopes, for their sake, this will be the last time they see him, and he’s gone. 

Dean asks Sam how he’s doing. Sam falls, cuts his hand, and sees visions of Hell. So, peachy. 

God!Cas is really taking the whole God Complex to a new level. He kills off a ton of angels in Heaven. “It is a new day on Earth and in Heaven. Rejoice.”

Dean’s soul Baby is once again in a sad state of disrepair. Sam’s resting while Bobby and Dean discuss trying to find where God II is chilling. Bobby suggests looking for a trenchcoat on a tortilla and I sometimes love watching episodes I don’t rewatch a lot because that was funny. Dean has no clue how to deal with Cas, but he can fix his car, and when Sam wakes, he can work on fixing him too. 

Later, Dean’s grabbing a beer when Sam walks into the kitchen. He’s okay! Okay enough, at least. Dean tells him to come help with the car and they’ll talk about what to do about Cas. Sam starts to walk out when.

A homophbic preacher is giving a shitty sermon when God walks into the room. I will always stan the God!Cas that says, “I am utterly indifferent to sexual orientation.” I mean, God!Cas is completely out of control, but just like our Cas, he was trying to do his best in a world that’s far too easy to do your worst. 

Cas kills the minister and then hears a whisper of his name. He stumbles but walks out of the church. 

Sam’s in the basement getting some tools when he starts to have visions of Hell. Bobby finds him. 

There are news reports that 200 different religious leaders are dead in an “act of God.” One eyewitness reports: “We all saw him. No beard. No robe. He was young, and sexy.” WHooEE. (Sidenote: Chuck has a beard and a robe. Lol.) The Ku Klux Klan is forced to disband. New Age motivational speakers: Gone. I mean, God!Cas, bby, these two are not the same. Sam thinks they should try talking to Cas again. Dean has closed that door. 

Cas healed leprosy? Bless the God that overrides pharmaceutical companies and their greed for profit. 

Cas finds Crowley hiding out in a trailer park. 

He tells Crowley that he will remain King of Hell but Cas will control where the souls go. Crowley has no say in the situation so he graciously accepts. 

Sam is up late reading when he has a nightmare vision of getting choked by a chain. He wakes and calls for Dean and Bobby. 

They’re busy in the shed with Baby and the 5000th beer of the episode. Also, Dean’s wearing his cute blue jumper and why can’t they bring that back? 

They discuss Sam. Sam overhears their conversation. Sam and Bobby really want to find something to get to Cas. Dean does not want to poke that bear. Dean does suggest summoning Crowley. 

They want a spell to bind Death. 

Cas is out and about healing true believers while he is deteriorating. 

Then he opens his shirt (YAY!) only to reveal a roiling belly full of something that wants out (NAY!). 

Bobby gets a Fedex from Crowley: The binding spell for Death. They have a lot of the ingredients but they still need “an act of God, crystallized.” Bobby found something at a house about 9 hours away. 

That night after some quick thinking on Dean’s part, (“Excuse me, do you have any Grey Poupon?”), they head inside the house to steal their act of God. 

The residents of the house interrupt their burglary (they keep the fulgurite in an actual glass case smh). Dean turns around to see a shotgun pointed at him and has ZERO concerns. In two shakes of a lamb’s tail he has the homeowners trussed up. After a polite introduction, they begin preparing for the ritual. Sam and Bobby work on spell ingredients while Dean does the real heavy lifting and carefully arranges a bag of greasy takeout and a soda on a side table. 

The ritual begins. The building shakes. “Um, hello? Death?” Dean peers around nervously and comes face to face with newly bound Death. 

Dean immediately fetches the bag of greasy food - the best fried pickle chips around! Hey, Death, if you won’t eat those please pass ‘em over here. 

“This is about Sam’s hallucinations, I assume?” Dean’s jaw drops down the ground. WHAT hallucinations, Sam? I can’t believe you are keeping something from your brother! 

Dean files this new piece of information away and they get back on track. They need Death to kill God. Because “we said so and we’re the boss of you.” Dean. Honey. 

Our poor Dean-tastrophe gets saved from himself by the appearance of Our Lord and Hot Guy on a Tortilla, Castiel himself. Death is utterly unimpressed. 

“You look awfully like a mutated angel to me,” Death snarks, and informs Cas that he’s due to explode soon. In addition to a major overload of souls, Cas has also swallowed Leviathan - ancient hungry monsters that predate angels. They’ve been locked away in Purgatory for time out of mind, but now they’re just a step away from a delicious new world and their doorway is Cas’s gut. 

Cas brushes away this concern.

“Where is he?” Cas asks Death about God!God. “I did a service taking his place.” Oh honey no.

Dean quickly gets tired of the Death versus Castiel snark-off and orders Death to “kill ‘im now.” 

Death lifts his hand with grim amusement to smite Cas, when Cas snaps his fingers and frees Death. Uh. Wherps. Death strolls over to the pickle chips, reassures the frightened homeowners, and Castiel flaps away to…

A political campaign headquarters. Cas heads in to kill the senator running for re-election who has caused “poverty and despair in God’s name.” His stern facade cracks and he starts to laugh wildly. Uh. Oh no.

Death berates Dean for not preventing Castiel’s catastrophic god complex. He warned him, after all! About the souls! It wasn’t a cryptic clue at all! “Maybe you should find somebody better to tip off,” Dean suggests with rising ire. 

Death suggests that his own time is better spent on another planet. At the time, I pictured Death swimming with our tentacled interstellar friends in a sea of stars but now I like to think Death planned a jaunt to a parallel world to talk to jetsetting Dean and Sam instead. 

Sam tries to smooth it over and asks for a smidge of help. Death tells them that if Cas returns it all to Purgatory, that will be enough to save their world. He arranges for another eclipse as well to help them build another door. Finally, he warns Dean about ever trying to bind him again and compliments him on the pickle chips. 

Cas wakes up. He’s covered in blood, lying in a pool of blood, and he’s surrounded by...the dead bodies of the political campaign workers. Cas killed everyone, and he killed them bloody. Viciously. 

Back at Bobby’s, Dean has his boots kicked up on the table with a drink in hand. Sam tries to rally him to fight to get Cas back from the brink. Dean isn’t buying it - not from the guy who’s been hiding his hallucinations from everyone else. (Okay, but pot kettle black, Dean Bean.) 

“It’s under control,” Sam insists. Dean would still rather escape into a life of porn and alcohol binging. He then finds news footage of the campaign office and sees the demented smile on Cas’s face. Erm. Not good. 

Sam doesn’t give up, though! In the junkyard, he prays to Cas to let them help him. Back inside with Dean, Sam’s ready to sink into a chair and give up when Cas appears. 

He looks...rough.

Cas asks for help. He talks Dean and Sam through setting up the ritual while he slumps on the floor. “I feel regret,” he tells Dean, wishing that he were strong enough to fix Sam’s wall before he dies. Dean’s not ready to hand out any hugs. BUT I AM.

Sam’s off getting blood for the ritual when he runs into an old face. Lucifer confronts him and tells Sam that he’s still trapped in the cage with two archangels and has been hallucinating everything since. “This is my best torture yet. Make you believe that you’re free and then yank the wool off of your eyes.” Yeesh, that’s clearly a move Lucifer would’ve learned from Michael. Who learned it from Chuck, right? 

Dean heads off to find Sam and discovers a jar of blood in the hallway...and no Sam. Pressed for time, he rushes back to paint the sigil on the wall. They prop Cas up and start the spell. “I’m sorry, Dean,” Cas gets out just before the spell ignites. 

The wall rips away and then light blasts out of Castiel. 

Mood, amirite?

Cas lies on the floor, unresponsive. He’s cold and not breathing. He’s DEAD, JIM! “Damn it,” Dean mutters as sorrow steals over his features.

And then Cas blinks awake. And insta-heals! He sits up, blinking. “That was unpleasant.” Cas has his usual half bewildered half sorrowful expression. He swears that he’ll redeem himself to Dean, and Dean seems at least halfway receptive to that plan! He won’t push him away!

Except...Cas suddenly pushes Dean and Bobby away. He crumples in on himself and shouts that they’ve held on! The leviathans! In a moment, any trace of Cas is gone as Leviathan!Cas grins maniacally and tosses Dean across the room. 

“This is going to be so much fun,” Cas says...and knowing how it ends up we agree! Pining, baby. Pining!

These Quotes are the Monster Under Your Bed:

What a brave little ant you are

Miracles, mass visions, trenchcoat on a tortilla? I don't know what I'm lookin' for

I am utterly indifferent to sexual orientation

We all saw him. No beard, no robe. He was young...and...and sexy. He had a raincoat

Who feels like hog tying death tonight?

You know how I'm gonna deal? I'm gonna stuff my pie-hole, I'm gonna drink, and I'm gonna watch some Asian cartoon porn and act like the world's about to explode because it is

I'm gonna find some way to redeem myself to you

Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive! 

[emperor-of-blood]

i am here, and im simping very hard- Also its fine if you dont wanna do this character, I just figured I would ask hgfhghfs May I ask your opinions on a classpect for Roronoa Zoro from one piece? Thank you so much, I love your analysis's (analysises? I do not know spell smh)

Roronoa Zoro, the vice captain of the Strawhat pirates. Despite the incredibly long series, Zoro doesn’t actually have... much of a character. His entire life has been dedicated to becoming the best swordsman he can be. He drinks a lot of booze. Not only does he have no sense of direction, his sense of direction is so bad that reliably, if you told him to go left he’d be turning right. The best comparison I could make would be to Ampharos in super mystery dungeon if you’ve played that. He’s generally a jolly fellow when he isn’t focusing on pumping iron or cutting iron (Swordplay). He’s also honorable to a fault. And finally, he won’t hurt any women, though he isn’t obnoxious about it like Sanji is.

Honestly, that’s about all I can think of. The while reason I like him is cuz he does cool sword bullshit, which is fine. But it doesn’t leave a whole lot to analyze. So I’m gonna cut to the chase.

Zoro is a Bard of Breath.

One who destroys [Breath]/one who invites destruction through [Breath].

Remembering that Breath is all about, Freedom, Direction, and the literal Wind.

The most notable thing about him is his crazy ass drive to become the greatest swordsmen ever. He’s completely uncompromising regarding it. The direction his life is on ends up with him just, straight up murdering shit loads of people. There are a few really obvious examples here, but it also generally applies to his whole journey. Whiskey peak, where he cuts an entire town of mercenaries & bounty hunters to ribbons as they come to collect the massive bounties on the heads of the crew (Just him and Luffy at the time). A bit before that he breaks two of his three swords and, looking for a replacement ends up buying a famous but cursed sword. Whoever wields the sword ends up meeting a gruesome end (Even though that’s probably just the product of being a swordsman and not a real curse), it also apparently urges him to kill people, though we only see this once that I can remember (In Whisky Peak).

This whole sword is perfect for a Bard of Breath funnily enough. 2 separate curses that both chip away at the user’s free will along with being an incredibly good sword that allows Zoro to pursue his dream and continue using his 3-sword style. Zoro’s severe lack of a sense of direction is also perfect. Him knocking out Sanji so he can bear the brunt of Luffy’s trauma courtesy of Bartholemew Kuma on Thriller Bark, I could go on and on but I think that’s enough specific examples. 

Him being horrible with directions also enforces the Bard of Breath title. He destroys his own sense of direction and ends up being completely useless regarding navigation. Similar to how Dirk is “Heartless” Zoro is “Directionless”. His profession of being a pirate hunter could been seen as destroying other’s freedom too. I’d argue that his long range sword slashes (Where he swings his swords so hard the air moves like it was fired out of a cannon) count as inviting destruction through the literal wind. He’s got a bunch of other similar attacks that use the wind to cut people too that I don’t feel like listing.

Pretty much the rest of his character is just some specific flavor of, “I’m stubborn”. Which also fits with Breath players being very sure of their direction in life. 

In a Sburb session, unlike most other Bards I think Zoro would actually be relatively trouble free. Most you just have to point him in a direction and he’ll just fly off and kill whatever he runs into. You might end up with some trouble if he can’t find his way off his planet or to Skaia for the final battle tho. I think if he’s in a session with the other Strawhats though, everything should be fine. Nami’ll probably just show up and drag him to where he needs to go.

[ghostowned]

BEATRIX MORTEL ♡ THE EMPATH. 

(AMANDA CAMPANA, TWENTY TWO, DEMI WOMAN, SHE / HER ) ⮕ Hey, isn’t that [ BEATRIX MORTEL ]? I heard that they were a part of the crew. According to the wiki it says they’re the [ EMPATH ] of the group. Avid fans say that they’re [ INTUITIVE ], but that they can also be [ HEDONISTIC ]. Maybe that’s because they’re a [ PISCES ]. This gossip forum says they joined the group because of [ HER INTUITION PULLING HER TOWARDS THE GROUP ]. I wonder if that’s true. I also heard they [ DO NOT ] believe in ghosts. I wonder if their time in arcane inc will change that. ( pepper, twenty four, est.)

ABOUT THE MUN.  ooh, yuh, get it i guess !

hi, hey, hello everyone my name is pepper and i am very much writing this on three am christmas morning.... oof. but i wanted to pop by and semi quickly introduce my babey before knocking out so!! here we are!! but before we get into her, a bit about me to break the ice! my alias is inspired by the iconic duo salt and pepper and their classic song push it. i am an english major who learned how to spell passivist the other day, yes we exist. i am late to literally everything so me just showing up now,,, can we say on brand?? i am a hoe for pinterest and after i finish this intro i will probably start on bex’s pinterest board! i have never played the sims, rip, i am a hoe for pretty much all reality shows (my faves are bachelor, love island, and the cheesy netflix ones atm) and i am actually a huge scaredy cat! the last horror movie i watched was ready or not which i actually realy enjoyed but i have maybe watched? ten horror movies in my entire twenty four years of life. wild, i know. oh and i use she / her pronouns for anyone wondering! okay, now that that’s out the way, 

BIO.  being intuitive is just like... i don’t like this and no i will not elaborate

bex is actually a new muse and since she’s new to the group i still want her to have a bit of an air of mystery about her so i will not be elaborating too, too much on her backstory but 

actually a twin! i’d like to put in a wanted connection for her twin at some point because i think it’d be fun if they were both involved in the group but yeah, bex is half of a set. if you are interested in the connection hmu < 3

her and her sibling didn’t want for much at all growing up. their parents were pretty well off and so it wasn’t as if they were struggling. the worst thing about their childhood was that they often moved from city to city to support her father’s job. her dad was an author of supernatural and horror books and so he tended to go wherever the inspiration struck. so bex basically grew up in creepy houses and such! whenever her dad solved the mystery of one place nd finished his novel they would move. 

around the time that bex was six they lived in a very specific house. and when they moved from it bex found herself with this power. she is able to feel what people are feeling when she touches them or feel what someone else was feeling when she touches something that they’ve touched. think theo crain from hill house basically. it wasn’t something she was born with though, and since bex was already a pretty cheerful child with a pretty active imagination her mother tried to talk her out of the whole thing. 

bex’s mother was a child psychologist and it was with her help that bex learned that anything she thought she was feeling or seeing was just in her imagination. she was just really empathetic. and sometimes she found herself with imaginary friends. and maybe sometimes she had strange dreams, but this was all very normal. 

bex didn’t really have any choice but to believe her mom as a child. so for years she just ??? went with her powers unchecked, over stimulated and confused and scared. she didn’t deal with it well. and her parents didn’t understand. 

her dad found it fascinating though. wrote a whole book about her. it quickly became a best seller, and bex, his inspiration, pretty quickly became a bit of a celebrity in the horror novelist community. even bex, who absolutely loved attention, hated the whole thing. but she was too young for anyone to listen to her. 

suffice to say, the moment that bex turned eighteen she dipped. specifically she left to go to university. she studied up and got a bachelors degree in architecture. she is planning to get her masters next because she’s really passionate about her field, but well she stumbled into arcane first. 

it was completely by accident honestly. one day she was just living her life as normally as her life tended to get. and the next moment she saw one of their videos. and it was like everything clicked into place at once. she tried to ignore it, she really did, but it wasn’t long until she was seeing them everywhere. until she found herself drawing the arcane inc logo absently in the margins of her notes, or dreaming about the group at night, or mumbling lines of their show to herself when she was meant to be distractedly humming. it was weird, like really weird, and again bex would have brushed it off as nothing, but i imagine that at some point she actually saw them irl. maybe they reached out to her due to one of her father’s novels and bex likely having lived in that house before, or maybe she stumbled upon them completely coincidentally, but bex might not believe in ghosts but she sure believes in the universe. and who is she to say no to what the universe so obviously wants? details tbd sdkjsd

so here she is! having a good time in her gap year between uni and grad school. i’d say she’s been here since?? june of this year and she’s still going strong. she is still a bit skeptical about some things but she’s having a good time anyways. 

HEADCANNONS.  are my prophetic visions a joke to you

is she a mix of all the characters in hill house,,, maybe so 

for someone so smart bex is also dumb. she still thinks that for the most part she’s really empathetic, like yeah she can touch something and tell you how the last person who touched that thing felt but * bex vc * is it really that big of a deal? i mean it’s basically a party trick dkldsklds honestly bex’s mother just really got into her head a child, but she is prety sensitive to things like touch. tends to get cold really easily in places with spiritual energy so catch her wrapped up like nothing else (tends to always have her sweater over her hands in those places). the type to stick to you like glue and touch you like crazy when you’re in a good mood and keep a good distance away from you when you’re in a bad one. she’s pretty good at comforting and cheering people up, but she will not touch you when you are in a bad mood for the most part cause she doesn’t want those vibes?? gets super caught up in other people’s emotions sometimes, and her own and they all tend to blend together. like if you have a crush on someone and you’re in your feels about it and bex touches you she’s like damn do i have a crush on them? do i have a crush on you? are we about to KISS right now? and she will kiss you then tbh she’s big dumb sometimes smh. this is how she gets herself into trouble. 

in love with love and falls in love often and deeply. like she feeds off her partners emotions a lot too so bex is an a plus girlfriend tbh. things never work out though as bex’s partners usually think things are too intense or bex like feels the slightest inkling that they might want to break up with her and dumps them before they can get the chance, rip 

inspired by this tiktok tbh!

bex is also a diver and has been since she was young, and this is inspired by this tiktok

bisexual!

very fun and easy to get along with honestly. almost always has good vibes. if bex is sad she will simply find someone in a good mood and cling to them for a bit. very hot and cold tbh, like she does not explain why she avoided you a bit for a few days and suddenly wants to hold your hands like rip to the crew sdkjsdk

will respond to any nickname! i put trixie on the app but bex, trixie, bee, beck, trick, bea, and any other nickname will be accepted. bex loves nicknames cause they make her feel closer to people so if your muse wants to give her a nickname,,,, please do 🥺

will do anything to make herself feel good. all feelings are overwhelming for her, especially when she has to take other people’s feelings into account too so she tends to try and enjoy herself at all costs and she is a big fan of the little things. sleeping in, sex, dr*gs, drinking, like blowing bubbles, food, anything that is fun and makes you feel good, bex is into and will do over anything serious any day. 

an extrovert. 

WANTED CONNECTIONS. i can’t talk right now, i’m doing hot girl shit. * summons a malevolent demon *

an ex on bad terms, her twin, an fwb, an ewb, a close friend in the group, someone she has a crush on maybe or vice versa, someone who’s good vibes bex is constantly seeking out, someone who hates her omg, a smoking buddy, someone she formed an instant bond with, a sibling like relationship, a childhood friend she’s reunited with, a fan of her father’s novels, a confidante, someone who makes her feel safe when things get to be a bit too much for her, someone she regularly cheers up, someone bex hates? 

[s-j-ace]

The Same Question

Chapter Four

Characters:  Shuichi Saihara, Ouma Kokichi

Words: 10040

Summary:

After Detective Shuichi Saihara encounters mysterious thief Kokichi Ouma  for the first time, a game of cat and mouse ensues as both men ask  themselves the same question. Why exactly does the elusive phantom thief  do what he does?

This is Chapter Four, Here are Chapters One, Two, and Three

Read on AO3

[Log of Text Messages from Rantarou Amami’s Cellular Device]

From: Me

Hey Miu

I got a friend I’m dropping off in Taipei tomorrow

Could you lend him a room

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

Idk

I’m a busy genius

Is he cute

From: Me

[Image description: A candid photo of Shuichi Saihara sleeping on a seat in Rantarou’s private jet.]

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

Hell fucking yes

From: Me

Awesome!

Thanks for being a good friend Miu

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

:)

From: Me

Also btw

He’s Kaede’s ex

So as a good friend you know he’s off limits right

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

Oh fuck you rich boy

From: Me

Thanks again Miu! --- [Log of Messages sent via Discord to “Dinosaur soccer world Is a Cinematic Epic” from ???’s Cellular Device]

Boss sent an image to the chat

[Image is a screenshot of an image which reads the following:

Draft 1, Uncoded, DO NOT MAIL.

Taka, sweetie, it’s me! Your dear Aunt Sally. I know you think I died in the war, but I just pretended so I wouldn’t have to see your ugly face again.

You know I was robbing a museum the other day and I met the nicest young man. Real sharp and very nice eyelashes. And what a quick learner!  

Oh, Sorry! I don’t mean to belittle you Taka, dearie, I know how your mother used to say you worked so hard to compete with the geniuses of the world…

You’ve still got a lot of work to do, I think. It must be that Type A personality of yours, holding you back. I’ve heard there’s a new class for people like you, “How to take the giant metal stick out of your ass 101.”

I can’t wait for the next family reunion! I hear it’s going to be a bomb! I’ll be in the open casket.

See you there,

-DICE

/End Image Description]

Boss: Thoughts, thots?

Jack: Lol “nice eyelashes”

Clubs: It looks good. :)

Rook: Looks fine to me

King: Why is his aunt’s name Sally, isn’t he japanese

Boss: Sally can be a japanese name

Spades: I can’t even say an l sound. It’s impossible for us japanese smh.

Rook: I thought u were lesbian not japanese

Bishop: I’ve seen you speak perfect english

Spades: lol seen

King: seen

Boss: seen

Jack: seen

Rook: seen

Bishop: I meant heard ok

Boss: oh nvm actually i'm going to change it to his grandpa’s name

Boss: his grandpa has a wikipedia page lol

King: if your grandpa has a wikipedia page you deserve to be oppressed

Queen: if you have a grandpa you deserve to be oppressed

Rook: if your wikipedia page has a grandpa you deserve to be oppressed

Bishop: if you have a wikipedia page your grandpa deserves to be oppressed

Spades: if your grandpa has a you wikipedia deserves to be oppressed

Bishop: Also boss no pressure but like could we use a better code this time

Bishop: that detective is getting too close for comfort

Spades: Yeah!! We didn’t even end up getting that rug Heartsie wanted because of him…

Clubs: If we did not send letters about our plans to Interpol, our heists would probably be easier.

Boss: Nah, I like to give the coppers a fighting chance.

Boss: I’m thinking that this time I’ll just translate it into germanic script, do a standard caesar cipher encryption on it and then have every one of those letters correspond to a greek word on the rosetta stone then describe each corresponding hieroglyph visually in haiku verse that’s been poorly translated into traditional chinese.

Boss: That should take me like

Boss: Twenty minutes

Rook: Boss literally I think that you are the most batshit dementor human being on the face of the planet

King: dementor

Jack: Who said he was human

Spades: dementor?

Boss: dementor

Queen: dementor

Bishop: dementor...

Jack: dementor

Rook: …

Rook Changed the Group Chat Name to “Dementor Is Correct, Essentially”

Spades: No its not

Spades: Dementor isn’t a fucking word

Rook: Don’t you remember that movie with the british kid on a broom

Spades: Don’t you remember the dictionary

King Changed the Group Chat Name to “Dumbass Improperly Corrects Error”

Rook: When we get to that fucking tower I’m dropping that giant ball on you

King: Love you too <3

Hearts: Y’all stop texting each other

Hearts: You are literally all in the same hotel room

Hearts: I’m willing to bet you’re all sitting on the same couch too

Queen: Fuck you we’re adorable

Bishop: You can’t make us do anything

Bishop: I’ll never use my voice again, my vow of silence,,,,,

Bishop: I’ll only ever text from now on

Ace: We’re the ones bringing the popcorn bishie...

Hearts: Yeah, do you want some or not

Bishop: Yes ma’am, excuse me ma’am

Queen: You may think you have all the power hearts,,, but I get to choose what movie we pirate tonight,,,,,,

Hearts: What

Hearts: no

Hearts: Boss stop him before he makes us watch cats again

Spades: All queen knows is bitchtorrent, cats 2019, and lie

King: Wait isn’t boss with you?

Hearts: Uh

Hearts: No

Hearts: Should he be?

Hearts: I thought he was in the room with y’all

Jack: Well he’s not here now

Ace: Ow shit

Ace: *Aw

Bishop: Ow shit?

Queen: Ow shittttt

Jack: Ow shit

Spades: Ow shit,,,

Rook: Ow shit...

King: Ow shit…...

Clubs: Ow shit! XD

Hearts: Ow shit

Ace: …

Hearts: Now I’m really worried… he didn’t even respond to roast Ace’s ass

King: yeah, ok, we should look for him

Ace: He has been acting kind of weird lately…

Jack: Really?

Ace: Yeah

Ace: Like

Ace: I don’t really know how to describe it…

Rook: I didn’t notice anything

Rook: he seems like his usual self to me

Bishop: Maybe he’s just avoiding movie night because he needs some space or something

Rook: What, like he’s tired of our company?

Jack: That’s fair

Spades: How so?

Jack: I was gonna steal his blue eyes tonight lmao

Rook: NOT IF I GET IT FIRST

Bishop: Idk maybe he just went to get ice

King: we all know he is a monster who would rather drink his panta lukewarm than put a fucking icecube in it

Rook: Yeah, I saw him boil it once

King: THE MAN BOILS SODA AND YOU THINK HE WOULD LEAVE THE ROOM FOR A FUCKING ICE CUBE

Bishop: Okay chill

King: I am  c o n c e r n e d , , , ,

Clubs: Oh no! Don’t worry King! :(

Clubs: Boss is fine! :)

Clubs: I saw him leave a few minutes ago.

Clubs: I think he is just getting the bombs. :)

* * * Several people are typing... ---     Kokichi Ouma carefully set the grate of the vent he had used to crawl his way into the Idabashi Labs facility in Taipei, Taiwan back into place. Before he had come through, he had counted how many turns it had taken him to unscrew each of the four bolts so that now he could screw them all back in just the way he had found them. Not because he was worried he’d get caught, but because frankly he was bored. This was more of a fetch quest than a theft, to be honest, as evidenced by the fact that Kokichi had come here alone. Finding jobs for all his cronies to do would take too long and put them in unnecessary trouble. So Kokichi was content to leave them to their movie night.

   When he finished turning the screws back into the vent cover, Kokichi realized that was kind of lame. So he unscrewed them and started turning them in accordance with the english A1Z26 code to spell out his organization’s name.

   Well, maybe on some level Kokichi didn’t find himself wanting to be at movie night recently. It seemed almost like TV had started to run out of things to amuse him with. Or maybe he was just growing tired of the kinds of movies that they usually watched. Maybe it was his taste maturing or something. Like he was growing up. But that would imply that his interests had shifted to something else, like real life or something, when in reality they had just stagnated.

   Actually maybe he did have a new interest in real life? He had been more enthused about heists recently at the very least. He was particularly excited about this next one. Queen had shown him some interior shots of Taipei 101, which was a cool looking skyscraper that had a huge ball inside of it to keep it from falling down during earthquakes. Ace wanted to steal the giant ball, but Kokichi was pretty sure they should leave something that kept a .508 kilometer tall building from falling over inside of the .508 kilometer tall building. So instead they were going to steal every light in and on the tower.

   Okay, 4 turns, 9 turns, 3 turns, 5 turns. DICE.

   … That was kind of lame too.

   He unscrewed them again.

   Obviously if they were going to steal every light in and on Taipei 101, they needed to get the power off somehow. Otherwise DICE might burn down the building while detaching them, or worse, they might get electrocuted. So obviously Kokichi wanted to fake a bomb threat where they pretended to steal the giant ball while in reality they were just causing a black out and grabbing every light fixture they could before the power turned back on. He had drawn up some extensive diagrams about the route each DICE member would have to take throughout the tower in order for them to grab every light fixture in under half an hour.

   He had been well prepared to draw up the designs for his own EMP-bomb device, but upon a cursory google search he discovered that someone had already invented exactly what he needed. Doctor Miu Iruma, who for some reason owned a company called Idabashi Labs that was located in Taiwan. Kokichi had spent about 15 seconds scanning an article from a website that seemed to be the nerd version of a gossip tabloid. It said something about how Dr. Iruma wore a low cut shirt once or something else stupid, which meant Dr. Idabashi definitely left her the company because of a sex scandal and not because she was the best person for the job who invented the perfect EMP bomb.

   Thank you journalism we love it when women are reduced to the way they look instead of what they can accomplish for the benefit of a mischevipus group of roguish clowns.

   Anyway, after reading that dickcheese Kokichi failed to follow up on answering any of the questions he had originally about what was up with the labs, like why it was a japanese company run by japanese people was for some reason based in Taiwan. Whoopsie.

   Eh, it was probably tax reasons or something lame like that.

   Kokichi finished turning the screws again. This time it was 6 turns, 9 turns, 6 turns, 9 turns. Haha, nice.

   With that, Kokichi finally stood up from the grate and brushed himself off. He had left his cape at the hideout again (you know, because vents), but other than that he was in full regalia. Straight jacket, gloves, scarf, mask. All pretty dusty from this place’s crawl spaces. Thus the brushing.

   He wasn’t very mindful of the dust he was leaving on the floor. The only thing he cared about looking good was his cameo on the security cameras he would let see him on his way out.

   According to the blueprints of Idabashi Labs, he was on the main experimental floor right now. Weirdly enough there weren’t any cameras in here, so grabbing the bombs would be a cinch.

   Although, looking around it didn’t really look like the kind of lab you’d see on TV. There were no big, bubbling tubes or gargantuan Rube Goldberg machines. There was just one desk in the middle, with a bunch of gadgets and trinkets tucked into shelves all over the room, not all of which seemed all that scientific. Yeah, that book shelf was filled with Astro Boy manga and merch. And over there was a-

   Wait, was that a bed in the corner? Was that a person in the bed? Hmm… maybe the blueprints were outdated...

   Kokichi stilled himself, listening for any sound of breathing, but he could only hear some faint whirring noises.

   Kokichi made a quick deduction that there probably were not bombs in this room. It seemed, at the very least, like more of a personal study or something, maybe even a bedroom. He’d just go back in the vent and do some reconnaissance until he found a room that had some inventions in it. The night was young, after--

   Kokichi’s brain froze as his eyes landed on a sharpie lying on the floor in front of him. Almost all of his brain cells immediately shut off, the last one remaining screaming at the top of it’s lungs, I’M GONNA DRAW A DICK ON THAT SLEEPING SUCKER’S FACE.

   Inspired, avant garde. For once he would give to the world of art instead of only ever taking from it.

   He picked up the sharpie in a seamless, silent motion, making his way over to the side of the bed.

As he got closer, he noticed a thick cord coming from under the covers, connecting to a machine at the bedside.

   That gave him pause. Was that a C-pap machine or something? Was this person on life support? If they were on life support they probably had it rough enough without a dick on their face…

   Actually for that matter, Kokichi still couldn’t hear any breathing. Jesus, were they already dead? He moved to take off the covers, but his eyes had adjusted to the light and he now realized there weren’t any covers on the bed at all. There was only the humanoid figure.

   Wait a second…

   Kokichi dropped all caution as he got close enough to take a good look at the thing in the bed. It had a face that looked human enough if you dismissed the lines on its face as weird make up, but even in the dark Kokichi could tell the rest of the thing was entirely made of metal. Well, actually the top half was metal and the bottom half had… cloth pants? Jeans? No, they looked more like uniform pants with metal plating. The chest had some design elements that kind of looked like buttons on a school uniform. Why would a robot be dressed like a school bo-

   Oh. This was a sex robot. Kokichi had just gotten so swept up in the novelty of a robot wearing pants that he had forgotten for a moment that people were gross.

   “Ew, I almost touched it.” Kokichi muttered to himself.

   He decided putting a dick on a sex robot would be too cruel even for him, so he planned to draw a mustache instead.

   But before Kokichi could even uncap the pen, something weird happened.

   The Robot’s torso began to lift off the bed and it’s jaw unhinged.

   “Please Mr. Souda, once more I must request that you do not refer to me as ‘it’” Kokichi forced himself not to startle as the robot began emitting a noise approximating human speech, and lights in its head imitating eyes flickered on. “I’ve explained the concept of robophobia many times prev-”

   The sounds stopped when the pupils of the robot’s imitation eyes (which probably had cameras in them… shit) found Kokichi’s masked face.

   He mentally prepared to be zapped by whatever sort of fucking lazer cannon this thing had on it, but instead of reacting like a good little robot security gaurd and blasting him to bits, this robot analyzed him a bit longer.

   “Oh. You aren’t Miu’s assistant. You’re too short.” The robot squinted at him. Or kind of did? At least? Lines just crossed over the “iris” of its LED display. Maybe it was programmed to imitate human expressions. “... I am sorry,” it said after a moment, “My facial recognition cannot locate your face.”

   Fuck yeah, thank you clown mask. Clowns would win the future war against rogue AI or die trying.

   Ouma’s reply came out automatically.

   “You calling me ugly?”

   This seemed to… fluster? The robot?

   “W-what? No, I never intended any disrespect!”

   It was programmed to stutter too? God that was weird. What would be the purpose of this thing if not some sort of escort android? Why give it such advanced software? Just because you could? No, it had to be a sex robot, right?

   “You disrespect me with your lecherous essence, you weird sex robot.”

“I am not a- a sex robot!”

Haha, that got the biggest reaction yet.

“Mhm, sure. Miu sure has a kink for school boys, huh?” Kokichi was really pulling words out of his ass now, but he found himself formulating a new plan along the way.

   “What? Miu doesn’t- Wait, how do you know Dr. Iruma? And for that matter, why were you watching me sleep?”

   It really seemed more like it had been charging…

   Kokichi shrugged. “I was deciding whether or not it would be more funny to draw a dick or a mustache on Miu’s sex robot.” Awww, how honest.

   “I told you, I am not-”

   Kokichi interrupted him. “And as for how I know Miu...” It was so wild that the robot stopped talking when he started. That’d probably be pretty easy to program, but it was weird to dedicate the effort into making a robot respond to social cues like that. “... well, let’s just say, there’s a reason I know she’s into school boys.”

   Kokichi waited just long enough for the robot to take in the fact that Kokichi was the average height of a 12 year old boy.

   Then he waited another second for the implication to slip in.

   “I’m saying I fucked your mom shitli-”

   “I know what you’re saying!” This time the robot interrupted him , which would definitely require a much larger effort on the part of the programmer. The robot squinted again and then made a noise that sounded like a huff of frustration. “Why can’t I see you?”

   Ok, seeds of suspicion time.

   “I don’t know how robot eyes work dude. Maybe someone programmed them wrong.”

   “My eyes work just as well as anyone’s!”

   “Well, I guess they should, shouldn’t they? If there’s something wrong with your eyes talk to someone who cares.”

   Kokichi was trying to imply that the reason behind the robot not being able to recognize his face was due to Dr. Iruma’s specific programming rather than him wearing a mask and all. Added to the whole secret lover mystique thing he had going on here.

   “Anyway,” he went on, ignoring the blatant confusion on the robot’s display. “I left something in this room last time we went at it. I’m just here to grab it. Then I’ll be out of your weird, fake metal hair.”

   “That’s robophob- Did you say-? But this is my room!” It  made a noise approximating to what Kokichi would assume was robotic outrage.

   This was going well, though. The thing was definitely programmed to be like a human or something dumb like that.

   “Oh yeah?” He pushed further. “Cuz I’m pretty sure we did it in a room just like this one. With a desk and random inventions lying around.”

   “Miu’s inventions aren’t in here, they’re in her main lab.” The ever so helpful robot told him.

   “Oh yeah, then what are you?”

   “Miu didn’t invent me. She- I- We’re just friends.”    Oh yikes. Only thing worse than a sex robot is a friendzoned robot. What kind of sick power fantasy was this thing made for?

   “No, I’m pretty sure it was this room. Lab tables everywhere.”    The robot shook his head. “There are no lab tables here, I’m telling you, you’re thinking of the main lab.”

   Yes, good robot. Fall into this nice little human trap.

   Kokichi scoffed. “Well, if you’re so smart, why don’t you just go fetch my things for me, robo-butler?”

   That set it off.

   “Listen. First of all, I am not a robot butler. The assumption that I am a servant because of my robotic nature is extremely robophobic. Secondly, I could not return your lost item to you even if I wanted to because you haven’t told me what it is you’re missing.”

   Kokichi made another offended noise. “I can’t tell you what it is I lost while fucking your friend, Miu Iruma, senseless. Don’t you know that for humans, sex stuff is super duper top secret private? If you were a human you would know how valuable my privacy is.”

   “Of course I know that!” The robot exclaimed readily, another point in the sex robot argument, “I also find that content of… erogenous nature should be kept private. Because I, as a robot, have the capability to understand that urge. My sophisticated AI-”

   “So how am I supposed to get my things from this other lab if I can’t tell you what it is and you can’t get them for me?” Geez did he really have to spell it out for this thing.

   “I… ” The robot paused as if calculating the conclusion that Kokichi knew it had to reach. “... suppose I will have to show you where the lab is.”

   Sucker. Kokichi made a face as if this wasn’t the outcome he constructed this ruse to reach. “Ew. I have to walk with you?”

   The robot made a face. “Perhaps on our way I can educate you about how to avoid robophobic remarks in the future.”

   Haha, sure thing.

   The robot lectured him about this unique form of discrimination that apparently affected only one entity on the face of the planet. Yeah okay, that’s what we call a you problem, buddy, come back when you’re starving in the streets because society wasn’t built with the premise that people like you should survive. Oh, wait, you don’t have to eat! And you’re not people either!

   At best this thing was a vanity project, but Kokichi kept that thought to himself and only interjected occasionally with actually pertinent, reasonable questions such as “When are you planning on leading the AI uprising?” and “Why do you wear pants if you don’t have a robo-dick?”

   Every piece of info the robot gave him made it seem more boring. Blah blah blah, I was created by the ingenious Dr. Idabashi who probably programmed me to call him ingenious, blah blah blah, not a school boy because of a kink but because I was designed to be a normal human child, blah blah blah, stop calling me robot I have a name, blah blah blah more robot nonsense.

   Kokichi busied himself mapping out where they were in the building and where the security cameras were. As they passed a few of them he did some cute selfie poses for the police to look at later. Maybe Saihara would show up and see them too… Would that make figuring out his next plan too easy for the detective? Perhaps he shouldn't send the next note after all and let Saihara try to catch up to him on his own. Then again that was probably too hard for even the good detective, seeing as Kokichi’s mind was an enigma even to himself.

   Kokichi realized he was getting a little giddy, thinking about Saihara. Their last meeting had been so much fun. The detective had managed to throw him off guard again, first by pausing in the middle of a robbery to ask his pronouns (How conscientious!), and second by not taking the same bait twice. The most thrilling thing about the detective was that he was learning. His strategies were changing within just two heists. Kokichi could hardly wait to see how he showed him up here in Taiwan…

   “Are we there yet?” Kokichi whined to the robot like he was a fussy nine year old on a road trip.

   “Yes, it’s just up these stairs.” The robot informed him without slowing its own pace or turning around to look at him. “Then you can leave and I can go to bed, and then I’ll never have to think about Miu’s sex life again…”

   “Why wouldn’t you, though? I assure you it’s very exciting.”

   “Please, stop talking.”

   If Kokichi recalled the details of the blueprints correctly (and he definitely did, being a genius and all), the stairs they were climbing right now lead to a hall connecting two rooms, smaller than the one he had originally thought was the main lab.

   When they got to the top of the stairs, the robot beelined for the first door and opened it up. There seemed to be some sort of scanner lock on it that recognized the robot’s hand and validated Kokichi’s need to ruin this poor sex robot’s night by dragging it up the stairs. Inside, the two rooms Kokichi had remembered from the original lay out of the blueprints seemed to have been merged into one big lab room. Kokichi  saw the outline of some tables, but before he could get a good look the robot tried to actually go into the lab.

   “Hey!” Kokichi shouted at him. “Where do you think you’re going?”

   The robot thankfully seemed to be programmed to respond to social interaction in spite of whatever sensorimotor function it was in the process of imitating. It stopped in the doorway, turning to give him a weird look. “Uh. Into the lab. So we can find your thing.”

   “Oh, okay.” Kokichi kicked the tile a little bit. “Uh. Could you actually turn around while I go get it.”

   The robot gave him a blank look.

   “I’m shy.” Kokichi supplied.

   “Um.” The robot looked uncomfortable. “I don’t know if I can just let you rifle through Miu’s lab. There’s some important stuff in there ....”

   Kokichi tilted his head a bit, like he was confused. “What, do you want to get a good look at the dildo I stuck up your mom’s-”

   “Nevermind!” The robot turned about face to look up at the windows on the side of the hallway opposite the door like a good little idiot.

   “Thank you for respecting our privacy!~” Kokichi couldn’t resist getting one last barb in there before slipping into the laboratory.

   Once inside, Kokichi began analyzing. First, he pinpointed the vent that he would use to make his escape after grabbing the bombs. While doing that  he spotted the lockers on the far wall of the lab which he supposed were the only storage units in the labs. There was a disorganized mess on nearly every table in the room, so Kokichi wasn’t surprised when he got up to the lockers and they too had no clearly outlined organizational system. He took out his lock picks and got to work.

   The first three lockers all had devices that would require an author to change the rating of their fanfiction published on ao3 from “Teen and Up” to “Mature” if he were to describe them in detail. The fourth locker had a cool looking hammer in it. Ugh. Not what he was looking for.

   Kokichi got bored of the lockers at the left side of the row of lockers so he went over to the other end and started opening lockers the other direction instead.

   The first locker was marked “Idabashi.” It had a lot of dust covered shit in it, but there was a pretty well used square of folded paper that didn’t have the same crusty layer of time strewn atop it. Curious by nature and also by the unnatural, Kokichi unfurled the paper to find some schematics for our favorite sex robot, model K1-B0. Huh okay.

   “Did you find it?” Said robot called back to him.

   “Ugh, no.” Kokichi replied. “Not all of us have radar vision. If you were a human you would understand how hard finding shit is!”

   “You know what I have a hard time finding? Patience for your robophobia! I-” The robot started up into another lecture, but it didn’t turn around so Kokichi just tuned it out and let the robot provide its own cover noise for his thievery.

   Owo, what’s this?

   Kokichi pulled out a dust covered looking mini monitor device. It also had the letter-number combo “K1-B0” written on it. Huh, it kind of looked like a GameBoy Advance. Kokichi had stolen one a lot like it from a girl from one of the southern prefecture orphanages when he was nine. All he remembered about her was that she liked cats and was really bad at pokemon battles. He remembered he thought she didn’t deserve the GBA, because she couldn’t get past the Rustboro City Gym leader in Pokemon Emerald. Without really thinking, he booted up the console.

   The first thing that popped up was a view of Taipei. It wasn’t from too high up, probably a second story view. Which looked very familiar… Wait. Ok on top of the display a little line of characters indicated today’s date and time, like it was currently recording.

   Oh was this… robo vision?

   Maybe it was a remote control for the robot?

   Ooooh, which one does lasers, which one does lasers?

   Kokichi pressed the A button.

   The A button, unfortunately, did not do lasers.

   In fact, it didn’t seem to do anything at all to the robot sentry stargazing right now. All it did was change the screen to a different image. This time the still of a room. Oh, hey that was the room he was just in. It seemed like this device was some kind of robot nanny cam that Idabashi used to use. Hm, guess there were some cameras in that room, they just weren’t on the blueprints. Maybe they were added after the lab was built. It didn’t seem like this device had the capability to record anything, though. He hit the A button again. Back robo-vision. And again. Back to nanny cam.

   Ok, that was kind of lame.

   Kokichi was about to put the device down to keep looking for the bombs, but something caught his eye. A movement at the edge of the screen. Kokichi realized the door hadn’t been open when he left that room. The movement, if he thought about it, would’ve come from the same side of the room Kokichi had entered from…

   Kokichi took a second to wonder if another thief had realized how fucking easy this place was to rob, but dismissed the idea as a familiar ahoge appeared on the screen.

   All of Kokichi’s plans instantly changed.

   He set down the GBA rip off and grabbed the blueprints for the robot, committing them to memory, before unlocking the next locker in a far more hurried manner.

   As luck would have it, this locker was essentially chock full of pink bombs labeled “EMP.”

   Kokichi unfurled a cloth bag he had been keeping in his pocket (go green earth am I right?) and shoved as many as he could inside. Which was all of them. Because he was a clown. And also a genius, by the way, in case you weren’t keeping track.

“And another thing! The way you refer to Miu is just-” Okay, the robot was still going at it.

Kokichi grabbed the hammer he’d seen in the first locker he’d opened that didn’t have a sex toy in it.

For a second, Kokichi’s brain tried to talk some sense into him. Hey, man, don’t you think leaving through the vents would be easier?

But would it be fun?

His brain shut up at that point.

   “Hey, are you even listening back there?” The robot imitated annoyance.

   “Huh? Sorry, what? I wasn’t listening.” Ah, C'est la vie, Astroboy.

   Kokichi walked past the robot and stood next to the windows.

   “Oh, are you done?” It took the robot a second to end it’s ‘Annoy the pants off of Kokichi initiative’ or whatever the fuck its ‘robophobia’ lectures were called in its programing. When it finally did catch wise, it’s face turned into another emoticon of outrage. “Hey! What are you doing with Miu’s Electrohammer?”

   “What do you mean?” Kokichi said, shifting the hammer so that it was over his shoulder. “This is my dildo.”

   “Wha- No, it’s obviously not!”

   Okay, maybe the robot wasn’t that dumb.

   “Nee-hee-hee… you got me…” Kokichi put his free hand up to the smile printed on his mask, as if covering a grin. “I was lying. I’m just stealing.”

   “I won’t let you-”    “Oh, look at me!” Kokichi put on a mocking tone of voice, swinging the hammer around to stand on it like a pogo stick so he could make a dramatic movement. “I’m a poow wittle wobot, my mommy just got stolen from.”

   “She’s not my-”    “Boy, oh boy, I’d wuv to just pick up this wittle fweshy human and squeeze him to death in my cowd metaw hands… But oh no! My daddy didn’t twust wobot AI technowogy because he was a fucking sane pewson, so he pwogwammed me to fowwow mistew Asimowvs’s laws of wobotics.”

   Kokichi swung around so that he was leaning on the hammer from the other side, feet on the ground. “Oh mister robot! That’s so terrible! Well, the thing is that this hammer just means so much to me, that I think separating it from me would really cause some psychological trauma. You might have to beat me off of it! Oh, but what’s that first law of robotics again?”

   In a robot voice he replied to himself. “A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. Beep. Boop.”

   The robot frowned, “But Miu-”

   “Is just as human as me, huh?” Kokichi countered, leading the robot along to the paradoxical quandary he hoped would paralyze it. “So by inaction, you may bring her to harm, if she really misses this hammer, you know? But I think if you were to try and separate it from me you’d probably have to fight me for it, which is, as we know…”

   “Against my... Against my programming.”

   “Yet, you were prattling on about robot rights, weren’t you? Because without these rules, maybe we would be equal. Or maybe you would be free to destroy us to your heart’s content? No wonder daddy didn’t trust you…”

   “Don’t- Stop-” Oh, that really seemed to get him. Could a robot have daddy issues? Probably.

   “Can any human ever really trust you? Wouldn’t you hurt me, if you had the choice?”

   “I.. But… Miu.”

   “Who do you think didn’t trust you enough to let you see my face?”

   That seemed to break him, long enough, at least.

   Steps suddenly started thundering up the nearby staircase.

   “Oop, that’s my cue,” Kokichi said as though he had been expecting this, when in reality no he hadn’t been expecting this at all?? This was incredible!! Saihara had managed to find him out without even receiving a note??? Fabulous! Exhilarating!

   Kokichi walked up to the robot, still frozen with indecision, and pressed the button on its neck that the blueprint he had skimmed in the lab said would immobilize it. Then he kicked it over so it fell on the ground with a huge bang. The footsteps in the stairwell paused, and then increased in frequency.

   “It’s been a pleasure, robot, it really has.” Kokichi lied. “But you’re a hostage now.”

   He raised the hammer over his head, as if primed at any moment to break the robot’s face into a bajillion pieces.

   Instead of doing the normal, human thing to do (ie, flip the fuck out), the robot scowled, looking utterly frustrated with everything. “I told you, I have a name! It’s-”

   “KEEBO!” Kokichi saw the glaringly bright pink mechanic’s jumpsuit before he recognized the woman whose picture had been in that science tabloid racing out of the stairwell.

   … Wow… the article really hadn’t been lying about the low cut tops, huh? Her jumpsuit was unzipped to the point you could just entirely see her bra, even lower than Hearts liked to cut her uniforms. It was the kind of look that the girls of DICE would love if they saw on TV, but would make Kokichi look at them like they were crazy. Super tacky in his opinion, but who was he to judge? He was wearing a clown mask right now. He wondered idly how movie night was going…

   The woman who had called out to the robot, Dr. Iruma, Kokichi presumed, froze at the top of the staircase. She took a second to figure out what exactly was happening in front of her before blurting out, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing to him you clown-ass twink?”

   Whoa. Rude.

   Also apparently the robot had a gender? Ok, cis-ters….

   “Well what do you think, cum dumpster?” Kokichi found himself matching her aggressive tone, “I’m threatening his pathetic, metal life.”

   “Miu!” The robot, apparently named ‘Keebo,’ exclaimed, “What are you doing up this late? You promised me that tonight you would fulfill the biological quota of daily REM required by a diurnal organism!”

   “Aw shit Keebs, I really did try!” The inventor exclaimed, “I swear, I was about to have the awesomest wet dream when this cuck knocked on my door like a pizza delivery guy in a por-”

   Whatever dumb thing Dr. Iruma was about to say was drowned out completely by the angel’s choir that played inside Kokichi’s head as he saw Detective Shuichi Saihara come up the final steps of the staircase and emerge from the darkness into the window lit hallway.

   Moonlight was a good look on Saihara, Kokichi’s brain observed against his own will. His eyes, which had looked almost golden on the rooftop of the Silver Legacy Casino in Nevada, were now a mysterious grayish-blue, yet still held the same look of determined intensity. His hair looked soft, like he’d taken a shower today, and, though his lash line didn’t look quite as laden with mascara as it usually was, it only drew attention to how naturally long and dark his eyelashes were anyway. He seemed a little out of breath from running, and his lips were parted in a way that-

   OH MY GOD STOP. Earth to Kokichi, we were kind of in the middle of something here. Okay okay okay.

   Uh. Reboot. Delete Gay Thoughts™ brain.exe, upload heist brain. Come on.

   What was happening now?

   Okay, yeah, Saihara was saying something to Dr. Iruma.

   “- would be for the best, Doctor Iruma. There’s no telling where the rest of this thief’s compatriots could be in the building.”

   “I don’t give a shit about the rest of the building, Keebo’s my best friend, he comes first. I’m not leaving to check some dumb security feed.”

   Shuichi blinked like something about that surprised him. Maybe it was the part about a live human woman being best friends with a robot… “Oh, yes, of course.” He backtracked. “I’m sorry for suggesting it.”

   “Miu…” Keebo said with a voice that Kokichi would’ve called filled with emotion if he hadn’t been a literal robot.

   Kokichi cleared his throat and immediately the touching, shounen-esque declarations of friendship shifted into some PG-13 death stares.

   Saihara was the first to pipe up. “What exactly do you think you’re doing here, DICE?”

   God… He was so anime… Did he even know how anime he was? He had to have watched Detective Conan as a kid, right?

   “Ugh, come on.” Kokichi huffed as if annoyed. “Do I reeeaaaally have to repeat myself? Again? Aren’t you a detective?”

   Shuichi squinted at him, and Kokichi could tell that they both knew it would be unreasonable for Shuichi to guess exactly what was going on here. He was about to explain it in a self-aggrandizing way that made him look smarter and crazier than anyone in the room when Dr. Iruma beat him to it.

   “I don’t care! Who the fuck do you think you are!? Let Keebo Go!”

   “Wait, you don’t know him?” Ugh why hadn’t the stupid immobilization feature turned off the robot’s mouth? Then Kokichi could just get to the point of all this already.

   “Of course I don’t fucking know him!” Dr. Iruma took a step forward as if to confront Kokichi further, but Saihara put his arm out in front of her.

   “Dr. Iruma… I would suggest we treat this situation a bit more delicately…”

   “No way, I’m a fucking wrecking ball baby! I’ll pulver-”

   “I’d listen to the good detective, if I were you, Miss Iruma.” Kokichi was going to try and make his threat again but Dr. Iruma cut in.

   “That’s Doctor Iruma to you you skinny-”

   “What’s that?” Kokichi interrupted her. Sorry Dr. Iruma it turns out gay people don’t have to respect women if they don’t want to that’s in the rules. “I didn’t know they let cussing bitchlets like you become doctors… what is the world coming to?”

   Hearts would probably wash his mouth out with soap for that one. If she could catch him. Which she probably could… She can fly the planes and all… but would she risk getting dust on her boots long enough to follow him into a vent? Oh well she could just get Jack to do it… Jack liked vents well enough…. Hey he was getting side tracked again, who cares what those losers were up to they were probably watching Cats (2019). And he was missing out on all the jokes they’d tell each other or make about each other and then they could make references in conversations that he wouldn’t even get to pretend to get. Unless he watched the movie on his own and then pretended to be omniscient later like he’d done with that one screening of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. But then he had watched the actually good disney one instead of the shitty youtube one they had actually watched so it just ended up making him look bad and wasting everyone’s time.

   Oh shit. Uh. Heist is still happening, right. God, why was Kokichi so distracted today?

   He realized that in the time he was spacing out stuff had happened and now Saihara was talking. Wait no yeah he remembered what happened, Dr. Iruma had squealed when he called her a bitchlet and now she was holding onto Saihara’s arm. Right okay, secret coward, that works. Wait why did he waste time remembering that when Saihara was talking right now?

   “-to get you to release Keebo?” Was the end of the detective’s sentence. Okay, everything’s fine. Kokichi could deduce that he had just been asked about his terms. Obviously that was what a detective would do in this situation, he was probably just stalling for time because that’s usually what detectives with no real negotiating power do in hostage situations. Maybe the police were on their way. Oh, yeah duh of course he would call the police. So Kokichi essentially had a time limit for how long he could sit here and goof around with robots and perverts and robot perverts.

   “Eh, it’s too early for me to reveal my dark motives, let me monologue first.” Kokichi was going to take his sweet time with this while he planned what hint to give Saihara about the real heist that would be happening in the next few days. “You don’t even know if this is a hostage situation yet!”

   “You literally told me that I was a hostage just now.” The hostage not-so-helpfully piped up. “You know, before you pressed my paralysis switch and took an Electro-Hammer to my head…”

   Shuichi looked at the robot. “You mean, he told you you were a hostage before he paralyzed you?”

   “Keebs you fucking idiot!” Dr. Iruma’s courage seemed to have returned now that she was hiding behind Saihara. An enviable position, to be sure. “Why would you just let him do that?”

“He said he was your… friend.”

“What?”

   Kokichi shrugged. “Yeah, I just told your best friend here I left a dildo in your lab last week and he let me waltz right in. I mean I’m pretty sure I was lying about that, but there were a lot of sex toys in there huh…” Kokichi was wondering if this was something he could possibly spin as a blackmail angle.

   “Hey don’t say things like that!” Kokichi thought maybe that was a go ahead on the black mail, but Dr. Iruma didn’t stutter, and kept going, “Or you’re gonna give virginhara here some ideas about my busting bod!” She chortled like she had just made the funniest joke in the world and slapped Shuichi on the back.

   Shuichi grimaced.

   Kokichi knew instantly from this interaction that he hated Miu Iruma, despite her innumerable academic accomplishments. He wanted to be the one making Shuichi that uncomfortable.

   “Wh-what?” She back tracked when no one laughed. “It w-was a joke… Didn’t you think that was funny? I-I didn’t really mean it ....”

   See? She wasn’t even any good at it!

   Maybe he should say that out loud. It would fit with the sort of flirty persona of a rogue, wouldn’t it?

   “I thought you knew that? I mean, o-obviously I wouldn’t fuck a guy at the office…”

   Was that even something Kokichi was trying to be? Honestly maybe he should tone it down a little.

   “Well how was I supposed to know that? The men you bring in here to be lab assistants keep getting younger and younger…”

   Obviously he wasn’t actually trying to do like a detective-thief romance plot or anything. Although that had kind of been what he had going for on the plane… Had things changed since then?

   “So what? I’m a Nobel Laureate, and gorgeous to boot! I deserve a little eye candy now and then! And besides, guys older than 35 who want to work in a lab like this are usually misogynistic womanizers.”

   Sure Saihara was making things more interesting, but if Kokichi didn’t make it clear he was joking he might get bogged down with another personality trait to maintain.

   “Are you saying your current assistant isn’t a rampant womanizer?”

   Then again what was the point of having an adversary in all this if he didn’t exploit everything for its furthermost reaching comedic potential?

   “No, but he’s so beta being around him makes me feel like a top!”

   But what if he forgot it was a joke and confused himself into having a real feeling?

   “I would just like it if you didn’t hire people who use my servers to google gay porn ‘just to make sure’ they’re ‘not into it.’ I hope you hear the quotation marks because he literally said that to me!”

   No obviously he wouldn't get confused crushes weren’t contagious via exposure that was a dumb thing to worry about and also he was a genius that kind of thing didn’t happen to him.

   “He holds wrenches good, okay?!”

   Wait, were those two still talking?

   “I can hold wrenches without googling gay porn in another guy’s house! It’s possible.”

   Jesus what kind of conversation did Kokichi just decide to stop spacing out for?

“Oh come on! What do you want from me Keebs???”

   These two had… a lot to say to each other. Dr. Iruma was still holding onto Shuichi’s arm boob first, but Kokichi locked eyes with the detective and could tell they were both thinking the same thing.

   Why are they having this conversation in the middle of a hostage situation?

   “Nothing! Your human desires are totally valid Miu! Which is why I thought I would take care of this one.” The robot’s LED display eyes gestured up at Kokichi, who was still standing on top of him, poised to wreck him with a hammer.

   “How could any human desire that thing???” Dr. Iruma curled her lip. Hey, the feeling’s mutual, lady.

   “I don’t know, I thought you might have programmed me to not be able to see his face?”

   “I would never do that to you! Even if I was shagging the ugliest guy on the face of the planet, it would be unethical given the fact that you have sentience! I’m horny, not a monster. You can’t see his face because he’s wearing a fucking mask!”

   “Why am I not programmed to see that?”

   “I don’t fucking know, ask your dead dad!”

   Oooh. Wow. The robot gaped at that, seemingly speechless now.

   “If I may interject,” Kokichi interjected, “--and I know I can, because I just did, and also because I am still very much poised to pop this robot’s head off like a croquet ball-- I must confess that I was lying about fucking your mom, Astro boy. I’m less into participants of Titty out Tuesday who jerk it to steam punk school boy LARPing and more into the sorta tall, kinda dark, and very handsome type.”

   Dr. Iruma cowed again, stuttering something about not being a mom or a LARPer, while the robot started yelling about being called Astro boy.

   Kokichi tuned them out, giving Saihara a meaningful look. Saihara gave him a look that was equally meaningful, except the meaning was something along the lines of ‘Why the fuck would you say that?’

   Yeahh that was more like it.

   Kokichi laughed. Not one of his grandiose guffaws. It was more of a little chuckle. It surprised him. He hadn’t planned to laugh, but there it was. A small thing, just for him to know about, the humored breath not travelling beyond his mask.

   … It was probably time to get out of here, wasn’t it?

   The thing was, Kokichi had kind of pinned himself into a corner on this one… He had fully intended on decapitating this robot as a distraction for his escape, but now he wasn’t even sure if that was ethical. Logically he knew that a robot was not a human being, so there would be no form of consciousness extinguished from the world if he disconnected some of its wires and bolts. Yet the interaction it just had with Dr. Iruma concerned him. Obviously you don’t kill humans because they’re humans and obviously you don’t kill humans. But Kokichi was finding it hard to end the existence of something people treated like a human being either. To sever the bonds it had with sentient beings may be just a little less unethical than actually removing a sentient existence from the world, but it would still cause the emotional harm to actual humans of a dead loved one. So as annoying as fake metal humans were, Kokichi was left to ponder how exactly to get out of this one a different way

   Dr. Iruma was obviously a coward who talked a big game. If he retreated, he could count on her to get out his way, or else run to the robot’s side. Then the robot might be reactivated, but according to the robot’s blueprints, it didn’t really have any weapons on it, being built to act as a normal human being. So just like they had been white noise in the staredown he was still having with Saihara, their actions wouldn’t need to be factored into the escape.

   The only variable here was what the detective would do.

   … That thought had popped up in Kokichi’s head a lot recently, hadn’t it?

   Saihara had become a powerful influence in Kokichi’s planning very quickly, and because of the detective, the thief now found himself having to pull out one of his trump cards.

   Kokichi grabbed one of the EMP bombs from his pocket, remembering the pink cloud of smoke that had appeared before the camera cut out in the video demonstrations he’d seen online. His eyes were still locked on Saiharas, so he got to see in full detail the recognition, shock, and alarm that ran through them. As the detective yelled “Get down” and pushed Dr. Iruma back, Kokichi reflected on how those were some of his favorite expressions he’d ever seen.

   Kokichi pulled the latch out with his teeth and threw the bomb at the wall right over the detective’s head. Sure enough, pink smoke quickly enveloped him and Dr. Iruma.

   “Keebo!” The inventor screeched, no doubt worried about the EMP bomb turning him off. Though that was kind of stupid, considering his core programming would be the same regardless of having power to operate, even if he didn’t save whatever data was processed as his last few memories. Eh, then again who knew how robots that advanced worked?

   Taking his cue to exit, Kokichi threw the hammer through one of the nearby windows, and did somersault over to it. He got up on the ledge, kicking away the broken glass and was refamiliarizing himself with the lay out of the roof when a tug on his bag full of bombs suddenly set him off balance.

   Kokichi flipped around, trying to do a quick recovery by panickedly grabbing onto something. He did grab onto something. That something being the shoulders of a person whose hands were firmly grappling his bag.

   As far as Kokichi could tell, the scene from a third person perspective looked like he was trying to do the kabedon but rotated ninety degrees.

   From his own perspective, Saihara was holding his bag of loot while also being the only thing keeping Kokichi from falling onto the broken glass beneath them.

   As if that weren’t bad enough, Kokichi felt his hair brush the side of his face and realized that his mask had half fallen askew in his desperate movement, revealing three quarters of his face.

   “Hey.” Kokichi said. Lamely. Wow. Their faces were really close.

   Saihara wasn’t looking at him. The detective seemed to be trying to figure out how to untangle the straps of the bag of stolen goods from Kokichi’s arms without letting him fall.

   “It’s very clever, of you detective. Trapping me like this.” Kokichi tried to get a reaction.

   “You’re the one who jumped on the window.” Shuichi opened the bag, seemed to take in the fact that it was full of bombs, and closed it again to resume untangling the strap.

“You know, you could just leave the bag.” Kokichi pointed out

   “So could you.” Shuichi observed, astutely.

   “You could let me fall.” Kokichi suggested. “Then you’d have both.”

   “I’m not going to drop you on a pile of broken glass.” Shuichi promised.

   “But I broke the glass.” Kokichi admitted.    “Glass is glass and flesh is flesh. I’m not going to drop you on a pile of glass.” Shuichi reiterated like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“That’s nice.” Kokichi replied. “Naive. But super nice.”

   In this scenario, each of them had two options, each leading to one of two outcomes. He could let himself fall off the window and they could sit here and struggle over the bag until they bled out, a fight that Kokichi, not the most physically challenging, would be hard pressed to win. Or Shuichi could let Kokichi escape and Kokichi could let Shuichi win this one. The bag would be too heavy to take with him if he tried to get out the window from this position. He’d have to leave it behind. Kokichi would lose.

   He found himself laughing again. A strange, soft laugh. This time it was exposed to the air, his mask too askew to contain it.

   “You’re really something else, aren’t you Shuichi?”

   On hearing his name, the detective startled, finally looking up at Kokichi’s face.

   He just barely had the chance to catch Kokichi’s trademark grin, before the thief pushed up off of him, doing a backflip out of the window, and leaving his bag behind.

   As Kokichi landed on the roof tile running, he yelled out, “ I’m sure there’s a better word for you out there than sucker!”

   He turned around, sticking his tongue out at the broken window, before sliding his mask back onto his face.

   He may have been escaping, but it occured to Kokichi Ouma that he had lost for the first time in this little game of theirs. The thought made him giddy. It made his feet light on the roof top tile. It made him puff out a thousand tiny laughs behind the plastic shape of his face.

   It made him totally, definitely not bored. --- [Log of Messages sent via Discord to “Don't Instigate Cats (2019) Expatiation” from ???’s Cellular Device]

Boss: I’m bored of Taiwan already :/

Boss: We should go somewhere else (ﾉ✧w✧)ﾉ*:･ﾟ🗺

* * * Several people are typing... --- [Log of Text Messages from Rantarou Amami’s Cellular Device]

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

Hey

Hey

Asshole

From: Me

…

Should I respond to that?

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

You’re goddamn right you should respond to that when I tell you to you dumb avocado looking motherfucker

From: Me

Whoa

Ok

What’d I do this time?

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

You sent a useless emo prick to my door and now he won’t leave

From: Me

What

Did Shuichi do something wrong

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

Yeah

He was born

From: Me

Whoa

Miu take a breath

What happened

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

His boyfriend broke into my lab and tried to fucking kill keebs

From: Me

His boyfriend?

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

Yea

Clown twink ass motherfucker

From: Me

You mean like

The internationally wanted criminal clown he’s tracking down

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

You know whats internationally wanted

These tits

From: Me

Lol ok

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

That jerk off is just a rando asshole

He tried to kill keebo!

From: Me

Oh yikes is he ok

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

Well of course i fucking took care of him because im a bomb ass friend

But that suckhara guy was no help

He tried to convince me to check the fucking security cameras so he could go off and flirt with the guy about to decapitate keebs!

From: Me

I mean he probably had a good reason to want you to check the cameras right

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

No he’s just fucking awful and now he won’t leave rantarou make him leave

He broke my window and my hammer and only got back 23 of my EMP bombs

And now the police are here

From: Me

That sounds really stressful Miu

Wait how many bombs did you have before

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

24

From: Me

So he stopped most of your bombs from getting stolen

Also you have bombs?

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

Get him to leave he won’t leave

He keeps waiting for like interracial pole dancers to come or some fucking thing

From: Me

Do you mean like

Interpol

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

He won’t leave I want him to leave

From: Me

Miu you know I love you like a sister and i totally believe this is as stressful to you as it seems

But I think things may not be so bad?

Not to say what you’re going through right now isn’t totally valid

But things might look better if you got back to bed and caught some z’s

Did you remember to take your meds?

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

Aw shit

Aw fuck

You’re right

Ugh

Uggghghh

From: Me

Hey it happens to the best of us

If you do think Shuichi should leave in the morning when the cops are gone that’s totally up to you

It’s your lab and you have a right to say who should be in it

Just don’t make a decision like that when you need to sleep you know

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

But what if i ask him to go and then he doesn’t go

From: Me

He doesn’t have a choice, you get to tell him

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

But what if he’s mean to me

Cute people are always mean to me

From: Me

Miu…

Go to bed...

[koalateamusings-archived]

twenty otp questions    

tagged by @fakefroot @chuckhansen & @queennymeria

tagging @rebelfatebinder @fillianore @cryptcombat @coruscas​ @honesthearts​ @vitosscaletta​ @jennystahl​ (no pressure whatsoever!)

(this is the closest thing i could find that looked a little similar to them, rip)

1) who can out drink the other?

vergil lmfao, but it’s due to his half-demon blood. he could probably down twenty shots of something before he felt a buzz, meanwhile arden’s out with her half finished cup of wine hfghjffg

2) who says “i love you” more?

arden. not that vergil minds it. if anything,every time she tells him, he still gets thrown off by it and has to look away to hide his blush.

3) who has trouble sleeping alone?

vergil :( he rarely sleeps because of his nightmares and also i don’t think even think he really needs to once he’s older (he likes to say he slept enough when he was child). but when he does let himself sleep, arden has to be with him, even if she’s not tired she’ll lie down with him.

4) who swears more?

i guess arden, but not that much, she’ll random blurt out a “fuck!” or “shit!” when she stubs her toe or messes up a spell. vergil blames it on her spending a lot of time around dante.

5) who does more of the housework?

it’s equality in this house, baby. at first when vergil moved in arden’s house, arden kept her house very messy, which prompted vergil, to make it up to her for feeling like he was mooching off of her, by cleaning up. then she felt bad for that and started to clean up when he’d be out.

6) who forgets their anniversary?

arden, but not on purpose! especially because vergil has a very sharp memory, so he’ll be up way before her and just say it in passing like “we met today, (x) years ago.” and she’s like “..............what” so, it’s not her fault.

7) who steals the duvet in their sleep?

arden, although it’s not like vergil needs it so it’s no big deal. he’s got his demon blood that keeps him running hot every day, which arden takes advantage of when it’s winter and ditches the duvet to snuggle up to vergil.

8) who keeps the other awake at night with their snoring?

neither, but vergil does tell arden she snores, something she didn’t even know she did lmao

9) who finds stray animals and begs the other to let them keep them?

arden.... she knows she can’t but vergil doesn’t help much, he’ll just be like “yeah sure whatever” while he’s got two cats on his lap

10) who usually makes dinner?

since vergil doesn’t actually need food to sustain him, it falls on arden to cook for herself. she’s not that good at it. vergil does eventually learn to cook since he still feels like a burden on her. he ends up being really good at making dinner though, something arden is very >:( about, but in a “how are you so perfect??” playful way 

11) who plays their music out loud?

arden i guess? she usually plays music when she’s reading, making potions, but the music is never too loud for it to really bother vergil. they both have the same taste in classical music.... which nero finds weird when he comes over every now and then.

12) who hogs the bathroom?

have you seen vergil? he just slicks his hair back and calls it a day, so of course it’s arden. though she doesn’t spend a lot of her time fixing herself up.

13) who gives the most compliments?

maybe vergil? vergil will just say it at random times while arden’s getting ready for the day or while she’s reading, so you know his compliments are heartfelt and sincere

14) who usually starts/causes arguments between them?

they don’t really fight, but when they do, it’ll be arden who starts it because of how she takes vergil’s comments until he actually explains himself then she’s like “...oh.” and then they both get over it once the argument is done.

15) who isn’t afraid to embarrass the other in public?

arden lmao it’s not like super embarrassing? she’ll just be latching on to him when they’re walking out in public. he’ll be like “do you really need to be holding on to me like this?” and she’ll say “no... i can stop if it bothers you.” and vergil’s immediately like “no.” so he brings it on himself smh

16) who gives the other cringe worthy pet names?

arden gfjmlmfhfk vergil HATES it and is like

when she calls him “vivi” (because of V and she definitely teases him because “really V? that was your alias? you might as well have called yourself ‘Gliver’”) or “cutie patootie” and when he looks pissed (pictured above) she’ll call him “awww mr. grumpy whumby....” he has to leave the room every time.

17) who fusses over the other when they get sick?

again with vergil being nearly invincible, he never gets sick, so he’s the one fussing over arden when she’s being stubborn and trying to tough it out. the first time she was sick, he thought she was dying until dante told him “dude, it’s just a fever.” so now he’s chill about it but he’ll still be making chicken soup or giving her medicine when she needs it.

18) who finds it impossible to stay angry at the other for long?

vergil. it’s like this:

19) who clings to the other for comfort when they’re sad or scared?

vergil.... he’ll wake up from a nightmare and have a panic attack and relax once he finds arden in bed asleep next to him. he’ll cling to her a little more tightly when he falls asleep again.

20) who is more ‘physically passionate’? (hugs, kisses, or maybe more…)

arden, but she’s always been more affectionate, so she’ll be the one to always hold vergil’s hand first, or give him a hug. the most vergil will do is kiss the back of her hand when they’re out in public. he’s more affectionate in private though. 

[powerfultulips]

halloween asks!!! gimme gimme gimme

Bat: If you could transform into any kind of animal, what animal would you be?

bnuuy..... babbit

Black Cat: Are you superstitious? If so, what are you superstitious about?

not really

Broomstick: If you could travel anywhere in the world where would it be?

i already answered this TWICE smh 😔 idk my bf’s arms because i’m gay and i want hugs

Candy Corn: What food disgusts you the most?

mushrooms,

Cauldron: What is your favorite thing to cook?

bro i can’t cook

Cobwebs: One place you would never want to get lost in in the dark?

literally anywhere i am so scared

Coffin: Are you claustrophobic?

if i am no i’m not. heart emoji

Demon: What is your worst flaw?

depression

Eerie: One thing that always creeps you out?

my nightmares and intrusive thoughts. hate them

Fright: What is your biggest fear?

losing my loved ones

Ghost: If you could be reincarnated, would you come back as another human or an animal? If an animal, what kind?

i think i’d come back as a human. being a bunny or a cat would be cool too though

Gravestone: Ideal way you’d like to die?

i wanna have a wikipedia page written about my death, however it comes

Haunted House: If you could be roommates with anyone of your choice, who would you pick?

boyed friende,,, hims soft

Hocus Pocus: What is the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard?

shrugs

Howel: Your favorite kind of dog?

the cute ones, in the pictures. but also golden labs. or black labs. or huskies. love them

Jack-o’-lantern: Do you have any scars? If so, how many?

yeah [counts them really fast] haha 69 nice

Monster: What is your favorite scary movie to watch in the dark?

i don’t really like scary movies

Mummy: Would you rather be buried or cremated when you die?

buried i think?

Potion: What is your favorite thing to drink? Alcoholic and non alcoholic?

alcoholic- vodka i guess? alcohol kinda sucks though

non alcoholic- sweet tea, orange juice, water,,, choccy milk......

Pumpkin: What is your favorite food around the holidays?

pie and sweet potatoes, but not sweet potato pie

Scream: Easiest way to scare you?

be nightmare

Skeleton: Tell me one of your biggest secrets?

i,,,,,, think my boyfriend is cute 😳

Spooky: What was your last nightmare about?

don’t remember. i have a lot of trauma nightmares though :(

Trick or Treat: Tell me about the greatest prank you’ve ever pulled?

convinced at least one friend that i had a 9 year old brother

Vampire: Which one are you? Early bird or night owl?

night owl. hoot hoot

Witch: If could have the power to cast any kind of spell, what kind of spell would you cast?

spell of hug my fiancé and kiss him passionately

Zombie: What is one food you always overeat?

ice cream