#dreamt about her for the first time in like a year plus yesterday

[databard]

-

[sunlightmurdock]

In Too Deep | Six | Jake Seresin x mom!reader

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Masterlist

Synopsis: Jake Seresin had sworn he was never going to be a father. He liked his life the way that it was, child-free, stress free and chaos free. Free being the key word. After falling for you, it becomes clear that Jake is in for an attitude adjustment, whether he likes it or not.

Warnings: no smut, maybe allusions to sex at various points, swearing, fluff and teeny bits of angst if you squint, Jake and Riley prepare to bond over their bad dad issues 🫶🏼

…

“Have a good day today!” Jake calls.

The car door swings shut behind the perpetually angry little girl and Jake sighs. He pulls the car away from the drop off zone and glances back to check that she got in okay. He hadn’t mentioned any of this when he called you last night. Only the good parts. Like Jax speaking more, playing at the park, finding the worm. Calling him dad for the first time.

He glances back at the little boy through the rear view mirror. He’s big enough now to not be rear facing, and grins at Jake as their eyes meet.

“Park?” He asks, tilting his head slightly like an excited puppy. Jake’s lips quirk softly, it’s hard not to smile when Jax gives him that huge smile.

“We’re gonna go see Uncle Rue first, but we can go to the park later.” He explains to him as the car pulls out onto the road. School drop off has always been a point of contention between you and Riley, so today is nothing different, your kid just isn’t a morning person.

But, she has barely said a word since her dad dropped her off yesterday and Jake’s not sure where he stands. The line between being negligent and nosy seems blurred when it’s a kid like Riley.

He can’t stop thinking about her attitude towards him. You’ll never agree to a future with him if it jeopardizes a relationship with one of your children, and he wouldn’t want you to. But god, he wants a future with you. More than anything, actually. Sleeping in your bed, spending time with your children — Jake feels closer to you as these past four weeks draw to a close than he ever has before.

He dreamt last night about what it would be like to marry you. Jax was a little older in the dream, and he was the ring bearer. He was beaming, and you were overjoyed at the sight of your little boy in a suit.

Riley, a foreboding and absent presence in his dream. Something missing from the perfect day that weighed in like a big grey cloud. He would want her there in real life, but he would want her to be happy to be there. Jake knows that if he proposed to you now, Riley’d be furious.

Plus, the two of you haven’t even been together a year yet, he’s not sure how you would take all of this future talk. If, a year ago, you had told him that he’d be driving your kid to school and thinking about marriage — he would’ve laughed in your face.

Jax balanced against his side and a backpack slung over his other shoulder, Jake’s juggling keys, a toddler and a water bottle in his hands as he lets the door swing shut behind him. Payback’s brows raise just slightly as he sets his coffee down on the coaster and leans back against the leather armchair that he’s situated in.

Rueben can’t pretend not to be taken aback at how quickly Jake seems to have mastered the daddy-daycare act. But then, given that this is the same man who taught himself piano in under a week just to spite Rooster, Rueben should’ve known better than to second guess Jake. He has always made everything look easy.

“Look at you,” Rueben teases, leaning forwards and smiling as Jake hands him the wriggling toddler. He sets JJ down on his knee and coos a hello towards him as Jake offloads everything that he’s holding and huffs out. “You’re a natural.”

“Doesn’t feel that way.” Jake mumbles tiredly as he sinks into the armchair opposite his friend. He smooths a hand over his forehead and tries to relax, stretching his legs out.

Rueben cocks an eyebrow at him and catches Jax’s hand seconds before it has time to dip into his still hot coffee. “Trouble in paradise, buddy?”

“Daddy.” Jax points at Jake and turns his head to look at Rueben. He points again to make his point clear. Jake stares across at the little boy and sighs softly.

“Well, that’s new.” Payback comments, brows raised. He glances between Jake and the toddler, then sets Jax on the ground so that he can stretch his legs.

“I don’t know what to do, I mean — they’ve already got a dad, and he’s gonna be pissed if he finds out that his kid is calling me daddy — but he’s never around!” Jake goes into defensive mode right away. Payback just sits there and watches, keeping one eye focused on the toddler as his friend rambles and rants in front of him.

With two daughters and a wife who is infinitely more intelligent than him, Payback has been a good listener for a long time. He just sits back and lets Jake go for as long as he needs, nodding his head as he tries to keep up with the pace of the panicked speech.

Jake finally stops with a slow inhale. He glances down towards Jax and takes note of the confusion on the toddler’s chubby features, then starts to wonder if he was even making any sense at all.

“Where’d Hangman go?” Payback taunts, giving a soft shake of his head. He looks Jake over like he’s really looking for the guy he used to know.

Unimpressed, Jake rubs tiredly at his temple. “Huh?”

“I mean Hangman’s worried about who he’s going home with tomorrow night and how much protein is in his lunch. I don’t know who this guy is, but Hangman would hate him.” Rueben’s just teasing, he’s smiling at Jake and it’s just a comment. He doesn’t mean anything by it. Jake glances down to the kid in front of him and then at the ground.

“Tell me about it.” Jake mumbles.

Payback scrunches his brows slightly, “Alright, man. What’s going on? — You’re weirding me out with all of this doom and gloom.”

Jake takes a quick look around him. It’s a Wednesday morning, right after the school run. There are plenty of toddlers in here, and adults having chats. It’s just that Jake and Payback are the only ones here that are men. Jake wouldn’t have been caught dead here when he was Hangman.

As much as the callsign was made to taunt him, Jake grew into it. He became Hangman. Confident, suave, independent. If he’s not that, he’s not too sure who he is.

“You’re right,” Jake’s shrug is cold and unattached. He won’t look at Jax as he speaks. Rueben stares right ahead at his friend. “This whole thing. You’re right, it’s just not me.”

There’s a long pause. As much as he wants to check on Payback’s reaction, Jake can’t bring himself to lift his gaze from the polished tile under his shoe for fear of meeting Jax’s gaze. There’s no way he can look into those big, round eyes and admit that he’s quite simply not enough.

The coffee shop chatter carries on around them. Jax carries on between them, toying around with the action figure that he has been clutching all morning. He crashes it into Payback’s knee and makes an explosion sound. Rueben smooths a hand tenderly over the little boy’s back.

“Jake.” His tone is dead serious now, and quiet. It’s his dad voice. Jake recognises it. He’s seen Payback gently scolding his kid enough times to know that that’s what is happening now. Rueben sits forward slightly and covers Jax’s ears with his hands. “You say that shit to me again and we’re going to have a problem.”

Jake looks up and frowns at him. “What?”

“You don’t get to quit because you’re freaked out. You do that to these kids and I swear to god, I’ll never talk to you again.” Payback swears, still covering the toddler’s ears. Jax doesn’t even seem to mind, playing calmly with his action figure and kicking his legs.

Jake adjusts the cap on his head and checks around him again. He’s fidgety and agitated, chewing at the inside of his cheek. “You don’t get it.”

“I don’t? — You think that I don’t get scared shitless like three times a week that I’m not good enough for my kids? — I’m terrified of screwing them up, but I’m here, and I’m doing what I can.”

“It’s complicated. They’re not,” Jake pauses to glance down as Jax wriggles around in Rueben’s lap, struggling to try to get down. “They aren’t mine.”

Knowing better than to fight against a toddler that has already made up their mind, Rueben moves to that Jax can get down. Right away, Jax brushes past him and heads for Jake. He stands between Jake’s legs and leans into his thigh, holding up his action figure for Jake to see.

“Daddy, look.”

Jake smiles softly and scrunches his nose just the slightest bit. Jax grins at the attention and presents the action figure closer to Jake, almost swinging it into his chin. The toddler seems to remind himself to be more gentle as he leans in against Jake’s chest. Jake squeezes at his sides, making the toddler squeal and squirm in front of him. He lifts him up and sets him down on his knee.

Rueben stares across at Jake.

“It’s complicated.” Jake insists as he smooths a hand over Jax’s wild hair to tame it. Jax taps Jake’s arm to make sure that he’s watching and flies his action figure around in front of them.

“Not to me,” His tone is gentler this time, he’s relaxed as he watches Jake and the kid together. They look so natural together. Payback motions and Jake covers Jax’s ears without question, gently kissing the curls on top of his head. “He doesn’t know who his dad is and who isn’t. He knows who’s there for him.”

“Yeah, well Riley knows and she hates me.” Jake answers back. JJ squints across at Payback, seemingly aware of the fact that they’re discussing something that they don’t want him to hear. He quickly goes back to playing with his toy.

“That’s what kids do — look, Jake, I can sit here and tell you about how much kids are going to break your heart, but,” He stops to sigh, smoothing a hand over his facial hair. He glances quickly between Jake and the oblivious kid sitting on his leg. “If you’re going to leave, man, just go ahead and do it.”

Jake’s brows scrunch together just slightly.

“But you don’t get to come back.” Payback explains calmly. He looks at Jake, deadly serious. “You leave those kids and you’re gone for good. Are you good with never seeing him again?”

Jake takes his hands away from Jax’s ears and squeezes his sides softly. The toddler turns and squeals excitedly, grinning up at Jake. It’s scary, sure. But it’s scarier to imagine not seeing this face every day, that cute little smile and hearing those excited giggles.

And god, he’s never loved anyone like he loves you. These past three weeks have been hell without you, he has been counting down the days until you’re back with him again. Never seeing you again isn’t even something that he had considered. His crisis of faith is cut short as his phone rings loud in his pocket.

He slips it from his jeans and takes the call, pinning the phone between his ear and shoulder as he keeps Jax steady in his lap. “Hello?”

“Hello, is this Riley’s stepfather?”

Luckily, with the day off, Payback was more than happy to take Jax for a while. Jake quickly yanks his cap off of his head and tugs his fingers through his hair, swallowing the lump in his throat as he steps through the doors of the school. Riley’s sitting on a chair outside of the principal’s office, scowling at the floor with her arms across her chest.

The principal is crouched in front of her, trying to talk to her calmly. Riley’s silent, staring at a dirt smudge of the floor.

“Riley?”

The principal stands and turns, extending an open palm towards Jake swiftly. “Ah. Mr. Seresin. A quick word in my office, please?”

It’s clear immediately that Jake has never done this before. He doesn’t bother taking a seat, even when Mr. Anderson settles behind his desk and motions for Jake to do so. He swallows nervously and asks if Riley is okay.

The principal watches Jake’s reaction calmly as he explains what happened. Disbelief comes first, it crosses his face clearly but his Navy career has taught him better than to voice his disagreement out loud.

There just is no way that Riley would have cursed at a teacher. Jake is sure of it. He’s sure of it because he is pretty confident that if Riley knew any curse words, she would have already directed a few of them at him.

She has always been a delight in school — you were always bragging about how great she was doing in her classes.

Jake pinches the bridge of his nose as the principal explains further. Great, so not only is he annoying Riley with his mere existence, but he’s screwing up her future now too.

“We aren’t going to suspend her.”

Jake sighs in relief and leans his head back.

“Y’know, this is the first time that it has happened and we’re confident that it won’t happen again. But, um, Mr. Seresin— I really hope that you don’t think I’m overstepping here, but,” He pushes his round glasses up the bridge of his nose as he stands. Jake gets the feeling that he won’t like what’s coming next. “I’m not sure that you’re really qualified to get Riley through this time in her life. Maybe you could talk to her mother and—“

All semblance of being calm and composed flies out the window as Jake cocks his head at the geeky looking brunette behind the desk. The principal swallows softly and stops talking.

“I’ve got it. Thanks.” Jake bites.

Long day after fucking long day. Only seven more of them until you’re home and he’s no longer outnumbered. He lets the door to the office slam behind him as he steps back out into the reception. “Put your coat on, let’s go.”

“Not cold.” Riley argues, slinging it over her arm and grabbing her backpack. She walks for the door before she even has it over her shoulder. Jake turns to follow her but stops as he catches sight of a familiar face. There’s a blonde walking along the hall with a lanyard around her neck saying substitute.

It takes him a couple of seconds, standing there and trying to place where he knows her from. Then it clicks. The smiling face leaning over Alex’s shoulder the other day. His lips part as he looks back towards Riley.

“Oh, shit, Riley.”

…

We

@hotch-meeeeeuppppp

@frenchtoastix

@wildxwidow

@vienna

@hopeless-romanticnamed-s

@indynerdgirl

@marantha

@jostyriggslover96

@percysaidnever

@coldmuffinbanditshoe

@diamond-3

@galaxy-moon

[hozierandco]

Callum Turner x Reader - The match-maker (Pt. 2)

AN: Second part to a fic I published yesterday in which Callum Turner and Reader meet through Austin Butler, a friend they have in common. Requested.

If you have any requests, feel free to send them to me xx

TW: none. Kinda fluffy, no smut.

If you're interested in pt. 3, lmk. Ok, byeee

Arriving in New York was a surreal experience for Y/N and she was glad to be met by Austin and Kaia. The two of them looked like lovebirds and it would have made Y/N sick with sentimentality if it had been anyone else than them. She was longing for a healthy and stable relationship and was only glad her best friend had found the one.

Y/N knew she had one shot of making things right and that she was not allowed any mistake during the Gala. Not only for her career but also for her friend’s reputation if she failed him. Austin knew that Y/N was capable of great things and only had to trust herself. If anything, the Gala was her baptism by fire and a great way to give his friend the confidence she had lost in herself.

Plus, he knew that she was about to meet Callum and was beyond thrilled to see them together. He was certain it would be a match. 

“Alright, I need to prepare myself for the big day tomorrow”, Y/N declared after having spent most of the day in the city with Austin and Kaia. Together, they had been to the Guggenheim, Central Park and the Brooklyn Museum. It had been an exhausting but satisfying day and Y/N was now more ready than ever to craft her portfolio.

She woke up the next day wishing she could have slept longer but since it was Met Gala day, lots of things were to be done before the evening would arrive. Thank God, Austin had thought everything through to make her the most comfortable possible and had secured a spot for her in the first rows of the red carpet. She could then afford to arrive later at the Metropolitan Museum.

She fixed her many cameras, making sure she had battery and film rolls tidied up nice and clean in her bag when Austin texted her. 

Her phone showed her what the guy she had saved as Orange County Boy in her contacts had to say: 

7:21 am - “Ready 4 tonite?”

Him too had woken up early to get ready.

7:21 am - “Readier than everrrr. What about you two?”

7:24 am - “You bet we r! Kaia and I r having a party afterwards. You should come”

By sending that, Austin prayed everything he could pray on that she would accept as Callum had already let him know that he would join in.

7:32 am - “Yeah, sounds good. If I’m not dead with exhaustion or fangirling by then”

7:34 am - “Haha, even half-dead, you better get there!”

Once she had everything she needed sorted out, Y/N exited her Airbnb on the 11th Street to get some breakfast. In a few hours time, she was going to see all the celebrities she had dreamt of seeing. There would be Anna Wintour of course but she was mostly daydreaming of taking pictures of Jessica Chastain, Blake Lively and Alicia Keys. The fact that she would be first row was a golden opportunity.

By 2 pm, Y/N headed to the Metropolitan Museum and found her spot. She was escorted by people who were talking and acting as though she was the new Annie Leibovitz. Was it her Givenchy dress that she had borrowed from Kaia or her self-assured walk that gave the impression that she was famous? She could not have said but it sure felt good.

And then, in what seemed like the blink of an eye (though that was a couple hours in fact), the first people grazed the carpet. People from Vogue at first, and then a handful of random models before the A-list made their way. 

Y/N noticed Vanessa Hudgens that she had known very well a few years back but had grown distant since. Vanessa reached out for her and greeted her amicably as she recognised her in the cloud of photographers which made a huge impression amongst Y/N’s peers.

When Austin and Kaia entered the scene, Y/N was beyond excited and could not stop taking pictures of them. The night followed that way and soon enough, all of her cameras were full. The batteries could not take any more picture which coincided with the end of the night.

The photographers were asked to leave and Y/N thought of getting a drink somewhere with some other photographers she had met while waiting for Austin and Kaia’s party to begin.

“Girl, you were on fire tonight!”, a 30-ish year-old woman told her as the photographers started debriefing about the evening and voting for the best-dressed celebrity.

“Yeah, who are you even working for?”, another guy around 25 asked.

“Uh, well, no one in fact. I’m trying to make my way up”

“And you got into the Met Gala? Damn, that’s impressive”

Y/N had made her promise to herself never to mention her friendship with Austin as a safety net towards her friend and because she did not wish to be known as the “friend of”. So she decided not to reply. 

It was fun to be surrounded by peers who had so many anecdotes to tell about working in the industry. Y/N surprised herself laughing along with them and she made up her mind that Blake Lively was the best-dressed when she noticed it was 11:18 pm which meant the party had started about 20 minutes ago at Loeb Boathouse, a restaurant in Central Park that Austin and Kaia had privatised. 

Y/N called it quits on the photographers and walked her way to the restaurant. She instantly regretted choosing the Givenchy dress Kaia suggested for her. Straight from the Spring collection of 2018, it was a long black dress with a wide collar and a bow in the back. It was absolutely magnificent but not the most practical thing to be wearing, especially at night and in a gigantic park.

She arrived by 11:30 at the party, much to Austin’s relief that was wearing a tuxedo and a large grin on his face, far too happy to be hosting both a party and a surprise for his best friend. She greeted him and his girl for the second time of the evening and was shown to a table where food had just been served.

Coming back from the bar, Callum was trying to find an available seat when Austin reached out for him and indicated where he could sit. Right next to Y/N. He noticed a beautiful woman he thought he had seen somewhere before. He had to know more about her. 

She was looking like a Celtic goddess, he thought with her hair descending and shimmering as the light crashed on it. With her classy black dress, he could only presume she was a celebrity too and he then tried to force his memory to remember a name, to no avail. The woman seated next to her was so splendid in fact that, though he was craving to talk to her, he felt himself blushing like a schoolboy. Being an actor and not knowing your pick-up line, you could not make it up! 

Y/N made space for the man sitting next to her, recognising him in the blink of an eye to be Austin’s friend and colleague he had talked so much about. Though she never truly listened to Austin’s attempts to set the two up together, she was much obliged to admit that he might have been right to even try match-making.

Callum Turner was indeed a very elegant man besides being good-looking. His aquamarine eyes had something of a malicious air which made her imagine him to be a kind soul and considering he had become a good friend to Austin, he must have been this kind-hearted being. She felt immediately some comfort in his company, which she had not felt in ages while surrounded by men. 

She did not feel intimidated by his 6’1 stature nor his assured walk as they were balanced by a gentle and wide smile on his face. She dared starting a conversation as she could catch a glimpse of him eyeing her.

“Hi, I’m Y/N. You must be Callum, right?”

“Hi, that’s right! So nice to meet you. You were in a film, weren’t you?” 

Y/N chuckled at the idea of being an actress and even more so of giving the impression of being one. “Oh no, I would be a terrible actress. I’m a photographer and also a childhood friend to Austin”

Callum laughed along at the confusion “Gosh, I’m sorry. It’s just the dress and you look, well, drop dead gorgeous” And the blush appeared back on his cheeks and was soon followed by the same tint on Y/N’s. After having said that, he realised who she was and why she was so familiar. Austin had talked about her earlier and had even shown some pictures of them at prom and other moments of their early adulthood.

She was even more of a beauty than what the photographs made it to be, he thought.

“You’re not bad-looking yourself”, Y/N commented after a few seconds.

From afar, Austin looked at the two introducing themselves, knowing the deal was closed.

“So, tell me, what drove you to photography?”, Callum inquired while not being able to take his eyes off Y/N. 

“I guess I’ve always wanted to show another version of nature and people than what could be seen in magazines. Having someone pose for you or waiting for a certain light to come up in a forest does not interest me. I want to capture what makes a person different from another or why a certain setting is going to move you or not. Well, tonight was a little different than usual but it was fun somehow”

“You took pictures tonight? What photographs did you -”, Callum stopped mid-sentence, connecting the dots between the after-party he was a part of and Y/N’s activity and had to ask as Y/N seemed to nod at him “No way! You were on the red carpet?”

Y/N nodded once more, still not down from the experience she had gone through that evening. 

“Wow, that’s amazing! Congrats on that! How was the whole thing?”

“Exhausting”, Y/N admitted, which Callum could only relate to. Himself was not the biggest fan of red carpets, nor after-parties. But at this instant, he did not regret attending Austin and Kaia’s get-together and laughed along with her. How long had it been since he had not laughed and had genuine fun with a woman?

“But I guess you’ve got plenty of things to say about red carpets for yourself”, Y/N hinted. She loved his London accent which was music to her ears and her laugh was the purest thing she had heard in a while. 

“Tell me about it! I’m a real mess when it comes to those. There was this one time I nearly tripped on Judi Dench at the Bafta ceremony. I was running late which is something I’m really good at. So I’m running for my life to get on that carpet, right. Well, I saw the cameras and all but I did not see Dame Judi Dench and I just lowkey rushed into her as she was getting in the theatre”

“Stop, you mean you had a pile-up with M from the James Bond films? How did she even react?”

“She was the nicest about it. Mind you, I was 24. It was one of my very first award shows. I think she just noticed just how silly I had been to even try running on a carpet. I was unable to stop apologising to her but she was an angel”

After having discussed for over 30 minutes, interrupted here and there by the dishes served, the guests were taken to another room without tables and with enough space to dance the night away.

A playlist made of Taylor Swift, Marina and KC and the Sunshine band started blasting in the room, soon enough filling it with dancing actors and singers. Callum suggested Y/N and he could enjoy the tunes too. He took her hand and the two of them got to dancing. 

With the light emanating from the stroboscopes, Y/N was a shooting star. Her black dress twirled so nicely as she moved her body to the rhythm given. Callum could not stop looking at her while dancing along. 

Callum had this look of having done that all his life. He moved so lightly on the floor, with a composed pace and glistening eyes. 

“You look amazing when you dance”, Y/N whispered in Callum’s ear as the song ended, morphing into a new song.

“And you look amazing overall”, Callum replied. “You’re so beautiful I think I could kiss you right now”

Of course, it was mostly the alcohol speaking as Callum said that and he instantly regretted having said that outloud. As he was wishing she had not heard what he had just said, he felt a warmth on his lips. The warmth was a soft kiss placed with all the tenderness in the world.

After the shared kiss, the two of them went back to their dancing but this time, they got closer. Y/N’s sensual moves rushed Callum to grasp her waist and joining in, echoing her moves with his hands on her wiggling body. With the soft fabric of her dress under his hands, Callum felt like kissing her once more and in her ears said “I really want to kiss you right now, would that be okay?”

“Callum, we’ve just made out in front of everyone. Of course, I’m okay with that”

More kisses added up to the list and the song ended once more. “Let’s go somewhere more quiet”, Y/N suggested and the two of them got back to the first room where they had met. 

In that room, Callum was all hands on Y/N, not being able to resist the tension anymore. “Would you like to see the pictures I took back to my place?”, Y/N questioned, feeling like the end of the night could well go somewhere unplanned but nice.

[liacontilde]

TXT - The Fanfic: CHAPTER 6

I woke up in the middle of the night, startled. Before I knew it, I was crying. I had dreamt that a car like the one from yesterday hit Soobin right in front of me and I couldn't do anything about it. My heart was racing, and I felt a lump in my throat.

I tried to calm myself down. I drank some water and got out of bed. It was very hot in my room. I opened the windows, trying to create a breeze, but it was very humid outside.

I approached the window and stared at the house across the street for a while. There was only one day left before the Choi family would leave. I hated the idea. I couldn't deny that the seven years I had known Soobin had been the best of my life. I also couldn't deny that what I felt for him was different from anything I had felt for anyone else before.

Looking back, I realized that I had been feeling strange around Soobin for over a year. His voice had changed, and his features had lengthened, making it impossible for me to see him as the child he used to be.

The truth is, I wasn't a child anymore either. It had been almost three years since I had my first period. My breasts, though small, were already developed. Plus, my hips had widened.

These weren't things that were normally noticeable, at least not when wearing a dress. But I had been going to the river with Soobin every summer, and I was convinced that under my wet clothes, these details became much more evident. I didn't think this had escaped his notice either, as he had also been more distant in recent years.

I think Lea was right. On several occasions, she had asked me if I liked Soobin. I had never known how to answer her because I didn't understand my feelings well, but she insisted and warned me that she thought Soobin did like me.

It's ironic. I had read and written about attraction and love hundreds of times, but I hadn't been able to identify them in myself. Until now.

My eyes filled with tears again and I sat down in my chair. I rested my elbows on the desk and buried my face in my hands. Suddenly, something caught my attention: a light had just turned on in Soobin's house.

I mentally calculated the position of the room and figured out that it was Soobin's room. I felt a cool breeze caress my face and had a hunch. I reached out and turned on the small bedside lamp. Within seconds, a figure approached the window and looked out. It was backlit and not clearly visible in the distance, but I could tell it was Soobin. I waved timidly, and the figure repeated my gesture.

However, the silhouette moved back into the house and the light went out. I remained seated, my cheeks still wet, gazing at the nighttime scenery. Suddenly, the door of the house opened, and the figure ran towards my house. I quickly stood up and leaned out the window.

Soobin arrived and stood directly under my window, gesturing for me to come outside with him. I hesitated for a moment. I didn't want to disturb my parents since they would wake up early the next day.

I signaled for him to wait and turned off the light. I quietly left my room and headed down the stairs. When I reached the landing, I realized the hardest part was still ahead: unlocking the bolts without making any noise.

I did it very, very slowly, more carefully than I had ever done anything before. I'm sure it took me several minutes to unlock all of them, but I finally made it outside.

Soobin greeted me with open arms, and I rushed straight to him. We hugged tightly and for quite a long time. We both remained silent and just stood there. I could feel he was sweaty and warm, just like me. I rested my head on his shoulder and asked in a very low voice.

"Are you okay?"

I didn't get a verbal response. I felt Soobin shake his head and hug me even tighter.

"And you?"  he asked, even softer than I did.

"I had a nightmare," I explained in a few words.

"At least you slept," he said, burying his head in my shoulder. "I have a thousand things on my mind, and my head is spinning. I woke up distressed from the heat to wash my face, and when I came back, I saw light in your room. I was worried you were going through the same thing as me."

I pulled back a little to look into his eyes. The lack of sleep gave him a more tired look and pronounced dark circles. Still, there was something in his expression that I found endearing.

I couldn't help but feel my heart pounding due to the stealthiness of my actions. I sighed, placing a hand on my chest, trying to calm myself, and after taking a deep breath once more, I said.

"Sorry. This is the first time I've snuck out of the house, and I'm not used to these levels of adrenaline," I tried to justify myself, letting out a silly laugh, maybe due to nerves.

"Well," he began. "I'm sorry you had a nightmare, but I was drowning in my thoughts, and I'm glad you're awake now."

"You know I'm always here for you, Soobin…" I said, gently caressing his cheek.

He gave me a sweet smile and leaned in, giving me a warm and long kiss.

"I could get used to this," he murmured, breaking the silence.

"To what?" I asked, curious.

"To your kisses."

As he said this, a playful smile appeared on Soobin's face, something I had never seen before. This made my heart race even more, and unconsciously, I bit my lip. I wasn't aware of my gesture until I noticed Soobin's gaze fixed on my lips.

His hands gently cupped my cheeks, and he kissed me again. Then, he slid them down my shoulders, wrapped them around my waist, and pulled me a little closer. I intertwined my hands behind his neck, letting myself go as the kiss became more passionate.

When our lips parted, we needed a few seconds to catch our breath. We both felt shy for a moment, but Soobin hugged me again, and we stayed silent for a while. Suddenly, an intrusive thought invaded me, and my doubt broke the calm.

"What will happen to us when you leave?" I said, taking a small step back.

He looked around, I suppose searching for the right words. Then, he placed his hands on my shoulders and looked at me intently, beginning to speak.

"Nothing. Nothing will happen," he expressed in a fairly flat tone

"But, what are we?" I asked, intrigued.

Soobin looked at the ground with a half-smile. After regaining his seriousness, he lifted his head again and continued speaking.

"I don't know. Honestly, I'd love for you to be my girlfriend, but I don't need you to be."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, if I make you my girlfriend now, I won't be able to enjoy it." He paused. "I'm leaving for Korea the day after tomorrow, and I won't have the chance to introduce you as my girlfriend."

I remained silent, processing what he was saying. He was right. We only had one day left to enjoy each other's company, and it felt strange to think of living it as a couple.

"What then?" I finally asked.

He lowered his gaze and took my hands. After a pause that felt eternal, he took a deep breath and looked at me, answering my question.

"If you can wait for me until I come back next year, I promise I'll make you my girlfriend," he said, gently tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

I threw myself into his arms, completely speechless. I hugged him tightly, filled with hope and excitement, yet saddened by his departure. I wished that moment could last forever.

"Youvre aware that our friends will find out about this soon, right?" I laughed.

"Do whatever you want. In Korea, I'll talk about you to everyone as my girlfriend," he shrugged, laughing with me.

The sky was beginning to lighten. We shouldn't stay out on the street much longer. However, Soobin and I seemed incapable of letting go of each other. We hugged and kissed playfully. Our laughter was so loud that I had to remind him several times to keep quiet.

Finally, we prepared to part ways.

"Do you think you'll be able to rest before the sun rises?" I asked, concerned.

"I don't know, but I promise I'll try," he smiled at me.

The distance between us began to increase. We were only connected by a hand and our fixed gazes when I remembered something I had learned in Korean a long time ago.

"사랑해요," I pronounced slowly in a sweet voice.

Soobin smiled widely upon hearing me and immediately replied, "나도 사랑해."

He quickly came back to me and gave me one last kiss before finally saying goodbye and returning home.

I slipped quietly through the door, burdened by having to lock the bolts again. After several minutes of tension, I returned to my room and collapsed onto the bed, my mind spinning with everything that had just happened. Not even in the most romantic novels had I ever read about a moment as serendipitous as two sleepless lovers meeting in the middle of the night.

"I am so lucky…" I said to myself.

I also remembered the words I had just exchanged with Soobin. It was the first time I had confessed my feelings to someone, and for a second, I thought that doing it in English was too much for me, so I decided to do it in Korean. I think it was a good choice because he seemed very happy to hear me.

I hugged the pillow and imagined it was him. Doing this relaxed me instantly, and I managed to fall back asleep despite the nocturnal adventure I had just experienced.

[hollymbryan]

Blog Tour + #Review: BRIGHTER THAN THE SUN by Daniel Aleman! #tbrbeyondtours

Welcome to Book-Keeping and my stop on the TBR and Beyond Tours blog tour for Brighter Than the Sun, the sophomore novel from Daniel Aleman! This YA contemporary released yesterday, 21 March. I’ve got all the details about this new release for you below, plus my review!

About the Book

title: Brighter Than the Sun author: Daniel Aleman publisher: Little, Brown BFYR release date: 21 March 2023

From the author of the award-winning debut novel INDIVISIBLE comes an affecting, timely, and thought-provoking story about going after your dreams, making tough choices, and learning that change gives as much as it takes.

Every morning, sixteen-year-old Sol wakes up at the break of dawn in her hometown of Tijuana, Mexico, and makes the trip across the border to go to school in the United States. Though the commute is exhausting, this is the best way to achieve her dream of becoming the first person in her family to go to college.

When her family’s restaurant starts struggling, Sol must find a part-time job in San Diego to help her dad put food on the table and pay the bills. But her complicated school and work schedules on the US side of the border mean moving in with her best friend and leaving her family behind.

With her life divided by an international border, Sol must come to terms with the loneliness she hides, the pressure she feels to succeed for her family, and the fact that the future she once dreamt of is starting to seem unattainable. Mostly, she’ll have to grapple with a secret she’s kept even from herself: that maybe she’s relieved to have escaped her difficult home life, and a part of her may never want to return.

Content Warning: Immigration, class differences, discrimination, separation from family by international border

Add to Goodreads: Brighter Than the Sun Purchase the Book: Amazon | B&N | TBD | IndieBound

About the Author

Daniel Aleman is the award-winning author of Indivisible. He was born and raised in Mexico City. A graduate of McGill University, he is passionate about books, coffee, and dogs.

After spending time in Montreal and the New York City area, he now lives in Toronto, where he is on a never-ending search for the best tacos in the city.

His second novel, Brighter Than the Sun, was published on March 21, 2023 by Little, Brown Books for Young Readers.

Connect with Daniel: Website | Twitter | Instagram | Goodreads

My 5-Star Review

I have not yet read Indivisible by Daniel Aleman, but I have heard such great things about the debut novel and definitely intend to grab it. So when I saw this tour opportunity pop up for his sophomore YA book, Brighter Than the Sun, I jumped at the chance to participate. Now I see why there’s all the accolades for Aleman’s work! This novel was a beautiful examination of what life is like for a teenager who lives in two worlds: Sol and her family live in Mexico, but Sol was actually born in California, making her a citizen of the US as well. Sol began attending school in California for high school, which means she has to be at the border and stand in line for an hour and a half before she can cross and head to school. After Sol’s mom passes, her family is struggling to keep her restaurant afloat and put food on their table, so the decision is made that Sol also needs to find work in California. She goes to live temporarily with her childhood friend and her mom, who moved from Mexico to the US a few years back. She finds a job in the warehouse of a department store and has shifts beginning at 5:00 a.m. before school or from 7:00-10:00 p.m. on school nights. Most weekends, she travels back to Mexico to stay with her family. In other words, she’s exhausted and burnt out and has little time to spend with friends, date, and just be a teenager. Her grades begin to slip and she feels herself being pulled underwater, just as she is discovering a budding relationship with a sweet guy who works with her in the warehouse.

I was struck by the incredible struggles Sol went through, both physically and emotionally, as she works at just 16 years old to help her family just be able to have food and pay bills. I cannot imagine going through these things as an adult, let alone as a young woman trying to make it through high school and to become the first person in her family to go to college. Sol desperately wants to go to college, but she also feels responsible for bringing home paychecks that no one else in her family could possibly make, all because of the accident of her being unexpectedly born in the US. I went through so many emotions reading this, and I also learned a lot about what it’s like to have such dual citizenship when the rest of your family does not. My heart went out to Sol, and I just wanted her to be able to be a teenager, spend time with her friends hanging out on the beach, and explore the budding connection that may turn into first love. The story is heart-wrenching yet ultimately hopeful, as Sol tries to figure out just where “home” truly is for her.

I would encourage everyone to pick up this book; you will learn so much and feel so connected to Sol, no matter how different your own experiences are. In fact, you should read it *especially* if you have completely different experiences, as this is one of those books that will expand your horizons and help you to see the struggles others go through that we know nothing about. Brighter Than the Sun is exactly the kind of book we talk about when we say that reading increases empathy, and I hope you will pick it up and make sure the young adults in your life do so, too.

Rating: 5 stars!

**Disclosure: I received a copy of this book from the publisher for purposes of this blog tour. This review is voluntary on my part and reflects my honest rating and review of the book.

Check out the Bookstagram tour too! You can find my post here, and the full schedule is here.

[amylillian22]

Friends Don’t (Part 1) - Chris Evans Imagine

Word Count: 1.4k+

Warnings: None. Drunk Chris? PURE FLUFF!

Author’s Note: I was inspired by Maddie & Tae’s song, “Friends Don’t”

Part 2: Trying On Rings

"Y/N, hold up," I stopped in my tracks and turned around to see Chris walking towards me, a smile growing wider with each step he took.

"Hey, Chris," my smile matched his. "What's up?"

"I just felt like saying hi." His blue eyes somehow managed to sparkle bright at night, putting the stars in the night sky to shame. "Hi," he said softly.

"Hi," I said back still holding his gaze with mine.

"Umm, hello to you too, Chris," Scarlett said, chuckling.

"Hey Scarlett." His eyes still hadn't left mine. "What are you guys up to?"

"I have to get home to my baby girl. She's having a slumber party tonight for her birthday..."

I don't know what else Scarlett said. She was rambling on about her daughter's party. As much as I love my goddaughter, looking into Chris blue eyes were far more interesting. I couldn't help it. They were so mesmerizing. They consumed me.

"Clearly you guys didn't hear a word I said, so I'm gonna go," Scarlett turned on her heel and left us alone in the middle of the parking lot.

"Got any plans tonight?" I asked.

He nodded his head. "Tom Holland's bachelor party is tonight."

"Geez, it seems like just yesterday he was just a kid. I can't believe he's getting married now."

"I'm lowkey scared to find out what's in store tonight" he chuckled. "What about you? Any plans?"

"Nope. Although I might crash a 6 year's old slumber party. I heard her mother converted her basement into a killer wine cellar," I joked.

"I could skip the bachelor party and we can do something together," he immediately offered.

"No," I immediately protested despite wanting to hang out with him. "Tom needs you and he'd probably kill me for making you miss his party."

He chuckled. "You might be right," he slid his hand in his front dark jean pocket and pulled out his car keys. He began to swing them around his finger, playing with them. Stalling.

I looked back into his eyes. We stood there for minutes, without saying a word. Not that we needed to. It was a nice, comfortable silence. A breeze hit my arms and caused me to shiver.

"Here," Chris began to take off his black leather jacket.

"I shouldn't."

"It's fine," he said as he held it up. I slid in my arms and wrapped it around myself.

Chris hands rested on my shoulders and took a step towards me. "It looks good on you."

"Thanks," I whispered, pretending his gentle touch wasn't burning through the fabric of his jacket and giving my heart a warm, fuzzy feeling.

"Come on. Let me walk you to your car," he led the way.

He leaned in for a hug and promised he would call me tomorrow. I told him to please be safe before he drove off to meet the guys at the first bar for Tom's bachelor party.

As I sat in the driver's seat, I wrapped myself in Chris' jacket again. I pulled in the collar and the smell of the cologne I got him for his previous birthday met my nose. My lips slowly smiled knowing he uses the Dolce & Gabbana bottle I got him.

***

Scarlett poured some red wine in my glass as we heard a group of girls giggling upstairs. "Remember when you're were that little?" She asked me.

I nodded as she poured red wine in her glass. "To be that young and innocent again, and not have to worry about real life and adulting."

Before Scarlett could agree with me, my phone rang. I furrowed my eyebrows as I saw a picture of Chris on my screen. I was confused. I'd assume he would be having a good time at the bachelor party. So why would he be calling me?

"Y/NNNNNNNN!!!" Chris slurred before letting out a deep fit of giggles.

I giggled as well knowing he was already reached his limit. "Are you okay?"

"I'm feeling good! I'm perfectly fineeee," he answered. "I just wanted to say I looooooove you."

My eyes widen as he's never admitted that to me. Not even in a platonic way.

"Hey, Y/N," Tom Holland spoke through the phone. "I'm sorry he called you. He's clearly had one too many and we're only at the second bar."

"Is he okay?" I asked, slightly worried Chris might continue to drink more tonight and would without a doubt regret it tomorrow morning.

"Actually, would you mind picking him up?" He asked. "I really do appreciate him coming out tonight, but I think he needs someone to take him home. Truthfully, everyone else is drinking and I rather have someone we both trust than ordering him a Lyft."

"Not a problem. Send me the location and I'll be there as soon as possible." I hung up the phone and started getting up.

"What happened? Is everything okay?" Scarlett asked with worry.

"That was Drunk Chris and Tom. Tom asked me to pick up Chris. He's a bit too tipsy. Thank goodness I haven't even had a sip yet," I carefully slid my glass of wine on the table and in front of Scarlett.

"Aww, man" Scarlett whined. "I love Drunk Chris and I'm gonna miss it! He admits to just about anything. Oh!" She smiled widely. "Maybe he'll admit he has feelings for you!"

I decided not to tell her what he said. Instead, I rolled my eyes. "We're just friends."

"Yeah, right. Friends don't call you in the middle of the night, let alone in the middle of a bachelor party. He could have called anyone, but he didn't. He called you."

I bit my lip, trying to hide a smile. "I'll call you tomorrow."

Within 15 minutes, I picked up Chris in front of the bar. He had two water bottles in his hands and chugged one as soon as he sat in my car. I took the long way home. I had the radio on a country station. Maddie & Tae's "Friends Don't" was playing softly as Chris began to sober up a bit.

We talked about the bachelor party, which led to talking about what our bachelorette and bachelor parties would be like whenever each of us got engaged. Chris asked me if I dreamt about my wedding day since I was a little girl. He laughed when I told him I used to use a pillow case as a veil and would take turns with my teddy bears to play my groom.

By the time he sat on my couch, Chris seemed to be sober.

"Here you go," I handed him two Advil pills and a new water bottle. "It'll prevent getting a hangover in the morning just in case."

"Thank you," he said after he swallowed the pills. He let out a small sigh. "I'm so sorry about tonight. I didn't mean to interrupt your night, let alone make you go out of your way to pick me up," he apologized.

"Hey," he turned to face me. "It's okay. Plus, I kind of glad you called me."

"Really?" He asked a bit surprised.

I repeated Scarlett's words. "You could have called anyone, and you called me. And..." I trailed nervously. "If I'm being honest, I like that you thought of me first."

"I always do," he admitted as he gazed into my eyes. "You're always the first person I think of with just about anything."

"So, Umm, I know we're friends, but," I looked down as I fiddled with my fingers, "do you remember what you said when you called me?"

My heart thundered against my chest as he stayed quiet. I silently told myself this might be nothing.

Chris scooted closer and placed his hand on top of fiddling fingers. I looked up to him and his eyes immediately locked with mine. My body was covered in goosebumps as his touch sent chills throughout my entire body.

One look in his eyes and I know there's something between us. He could lie to me and say there's nothing. That we're just friends, but I know he loves me and I love him too.

"I know I was drunk, but I meant it." His hand cupped my cheek, "And, friends don't say 'I love you'."

"You're right. Friends don't say that," I said as my lips widen.  I leaned in and before I kissed him, I whispered against his lips, "Thank goodness we're not just friends because I love you too."

[gerberbabey]

cocaine | kiara carrera

madison bailey rlly met her gf ON TIKTOK, thats wild and now i see that my chances arent as low as i believe. anyways love that for them.

writing this made me so damn depressed. like if anyone would like to fall in love w me, im just here...chillin.

masterlist | cocain series: 2 | 3 

summary: Kiara falls in love with someone who isn’t willing to love anymore (story inspired by the mentioned song and this scene).

warnings: that gay shit, cursing, angst, underage drug use, underage drinking, mentions of dying, unrequited love?

♫ Cocaine by Pink Sweat$ ♫

Kooks could talk as much shit as they wanted but it didn’t exactly stop them from showing up at the boneyard for a kegger. They whined and complained about Pogues but still came around to the other side of the island because they knew they would have a good time.

“It’s like watching National Geographic,” Kie winced and you sputtered out a laugh, stumbling back as you tried to keep the water from dripping onto your clothes. There was a pocket of Kooks jumping around to the music, moving in a weird sort of unison that was both stiff and awkward.

“Ew,” Kie laughed as you leaned forward to spit out the water that you had been trying to drink. To be honest it wasn’t that funny of a comment but you were also high of your ass so everything was hilarious.

“I can’t breathe,” you huffed out and Kie had to hold you steady when you stumbled into her. You were laughing so hard that it was at that point where you weren’t even making any noise. She couldn’t stop herself from laughing because of how hard you were laughing.

“Oh my god (Y/N) it wasn’t even that funny!”

“Then why are you laughing?!”

“Because you’re laughing!”

The two of you burst out into another fit of giggles as you wrapped your arms around the girl, resting your head on her chest as she wrapped her arms around you and struggled to keep the two of you standing.

“Are you two ok?” Pope walked up to the two of you just as you stumbled into the sand in a laughing heap. You let out one giggled and took in a deep breath as you stared up at Pope, your head hazy and heavy.

“Chillin dude,” you drawled out and Pope shook his head before he helped the two of you up. Kia brushed off the sand from her curls and you gave an aggressive shake of your head as you brushed out the sand from hair at the same time. Kie let out a noise and Pope stepped back to avoid any sand flying at him.

When you stopped you stumbled to straighten up. Everything around you was moving fast and yet slow at the same time and you let out a laugh.

Kie couldn’t help but look at you with a dopey look on her face. She wished she could tell you just how much she loved you. The day Kie had realized she was in love with her best friend was a bit of a stressful one. Kie was a firm believer of the “No Pogue on Pogue macking rule”. Not only did she believe it would change everything if broken, she also didn’t want to have a reason to be tied down to the Outer Banks. She loved her friends, her family, and her life on the island but she knew she was capable of so much more. Deep down in her heart she knew that she was meant to travel the world. That the best way for her to succeed was to get out of the Outer Banks and into the world.

But then one day she looked into your eyes and knew she loved you. That she was in love with you.

You were friends with the Pogues before she’d joined the group but you were the first one she met. You met the rest of the Pogues through JJ, and then had integrated Kie into the group after you started working at The Wreck.

After the betrayal of Sarah Cameron and the pain she went through being ostracized by her entire school, meeting you and then the boys had been her saving grace. Sure you weren’t jumping to your feet to try and help baby sea turtles into the ocean, but you always listened to her. You understood her.

“I mean everyone’s freaking out about plastic straws but the cups are like...more plastic,” you added to her rant and she nodded enthusiastically.

“That’s exactly what I’m saying!”

She was pretty much convinced the two of you were soulmates the day you had played her a playlist that you made just for her.

Yet even though she was so head over heels in love there was too many reasons why she couldn’t tell you.

One of the biggest reasons was your lack of faith in love and relationships. Convincing you that falling in love and being in love was a good thing proved to be a difficult feat. You’d been hurt so much by the concept of love that you’d moved past the point of thinking you’d ever fall in love. You left it behind and believed wholeheartedly that it wasn’t something meant for you. You didn’t believe in marriage and didn’t believe that you would ever find that person. You’d stopped looking and that meant that you couldn’t and wouldn’t see Kie in the way she wished you would.

“Yo (Y/N)!”

You and your friends turned at that and Kie watched you grin as you ran up to the boy who called you. You jumped into his arms and Kie bit her lip.

“Dude! What the fuck is up?!” You yelled as the boy laughed and let you down. You were jumping around excitedly, “Yo when did you get home?”

“Yesterday.”

“Who’s that?” Kie asked JJ and the boy turned to look at what she was talking about.

“Huh? Oh that’s Quincy, he graduated last year I think? Went to the Navy or something, him and (Y/N) were really close.”

“Oh.”

Kie wondered why she never heard about Quincy.

“Kie!!!” You waved her over and Kie pushed down that weird feeling that was rising up and hid it with a smile. She moved to stand by you and tried not preen when you took her hand in yours, intertwining your fingers and holding on tight. She hoped that Quincy would conclude that she was yours. (You may not have been hers, but she was wholeheartedly yours).

“Kie this Quincy. He was my fuckin plug before he left,” you laughed and Quincy crossed his arms and gave you a look. Kie felt a little relieved but then thought about this.

“Didn’t you start smoking when you were like...in middle school?” Kie asked and Quincy laughed while you shrugged.

“Yeah, can you imagine how I felt seeing this 12 year old asking me if I sold?”

Kie tried not to cringe. You’d been smoking for way longer than she’d known you. Your tolerance surpassed JJ, likely because of your lack of tolerance breaks. Kie could argue that at least you’d only smoked weed and hadn’t dove into other, harder drugs. The one time you had, Kie nearly had a heart attack and the boys almost killed a boy for urging you to take it.

You’d told her once that you just really liked how being high made you feel. The strain you smoked made you feel relaxed. It eased your mind and your body.

You told her that you started smoking after your parents separated. They’d fallen out of love and decided that rather than being adults and dealing with their issues themselves, they’d put the weight and stress of their problems onto your shoulders. A year later you had decided you were going to quit because you’d fallen in love with your boyfriend of a year and a half. You nearly did stop getting high, but then your boyfriend broke up with you, didn’t tell you you why, and then ghosted you.

3 days later he’d posted about his new girlfriend (he’d reassured you nothing was going on between them when you were together. The time stamp of the filtered picture told you and everyone else otherwise).

Kie wanted to spite the people who’d led to the walls you built around your heart.

You had guided Kie and Quincy back over to the other Pogues and Kie couldn’t help but cling to you that night. She didn’t like Quincy’s familiarity with you. It was kind of childish really but it’d been a while since you’d looked eager to interact with anybody who weren’t the Pogues. Kie’s heart skipped a beat when she realized how absolutely ok you were with her holding and touching you.

“Hey...(Y/N)?”

“Hmm..?”

The two of you were laying in her bed. The kegger had ended some time ago and though the two of you would’ve usually stayed at the Chateau with the boys, she’d decided she wanted to spend the rest of her night alone with you. She’d appreciated Quincy taking the two of you to her house.

“You really don’t think you’re going to get married?” she questioned quietly and she watched you open your eyes and look into her own.

“Hm...Yeah. Probably not,” you told her honestly.

“Why not?”

“...I don’t know. I don’t think I’d want to commit to someone that much. Plus...I don’t think anyone would wanna commit to being with me either.”

Kie would.

“But what if someone loves you...so so much, but you just won’t open yourself up to them? Would you really risk losing that before you even know it?”

You stayed silent at that. This was something that constantly went through your mind. sometimes you thought about those “what if” moments constantly. What if you’d given that boy a chance? Would you be in love with him now? Would the two of you be happy?

Yet you also thought: but maybe the two of you would be miserable instead. Maybe it would just lead to more pain.

“I don’t know if I could deal with being hurt because of love again.”

“...Ok...”

The two of you eventually drifted off to sleep. Kie’s chest hurt but she dreamt about kissing you.

Kie sometimes wished that she could be the one to bring your heart out of its hiding place. She wanted to be the person that you were willing to finally love. She wanted you to toss aside the risk of getting hurt because she’d make it clear to you that she would never hurt you.

JJ had gotten too high once, and had told her that you and him sometimes went to the dock and just sat there in silence. That the two of you would allow your worries to ease just by being beside one another and that you both knew that even without talking, or venting, or even smoking, you understood how JJ felt and JJ understood how you felt.

Kie wanted that.

She wished she didn’t have to push so hard for you to feel comfort in her, but she would continue pushing nonetheless. Despite how close the two of you were as friends, vulnerable moments were rare with you. 

“Kie, I need you to leave this alone ok? It’s seriously not any of your business,” you’d tried to shake her off and she only became angrier. The boys had shuffled out of the room the moment you’d walked in with Kie yelling at you.

She had went to pick you up and caught you snorting a line of...something, in your room.

“None of my business!? I can’t just let you hurt yourself like this (Y/N)!”

“Kie you smoke with me! Fucking weed is killing me just as much as any other drug would! If you cared so much then don’t cherry pick what you decide to care about!”

“Don’t ever tell me how I feel!”

“God you’re not my fucking mom Kie, just stop!”

“No (Y/N)!”

You’d stormed off after that argument. Out of all the people in your life you thought Kie would be the last person the chastise you for anything you did. You thought she understood. Kie felt terrible when you didn’t come around to the Chateau or even talk to her and the Pogues for the rest of the day. Kie’s heart was in your hands and you were squeezing.

The next day, Kie had bursted into your room crying.

“You can’t be mad at me for just wanting you to be ok...” she sobbed and you held her tight to you. 

“I know Kie, I know. I’m sorry,” you mumbled into her hair before you gave her a kiss on the forehead. She pulled back to look at you and she took in the worried expression on your face. She was hyper aware of the feeling of your thumbs stroking her cheek. Kie shut her eyes and leaned forward to press her lips onto yours.

Her heart broke into a million pieces when you gasped and backed away.

“Oh my god...” Kie sobbed and stood from where the two of you had clung to each other on your bed, “I’m sorry-I just..I’m gonna go-” 

You couldn’t say a word as you watched Kie rush out of your room.

“Fuck!” she yelled before the door slammed shut.

part 2...?

[marvelfansince08love]

The Pleasure is all mine  Chapter 2

Word count: 2616 

Pairing: Lou Miller x Fem!Reader, Background Platonic friendship Debbie Ocean x Lou Miller. 

Setting: Three weeks after their initial meeting, they finally meet again but does the reader assume things to quickly...  (of course she does because I wrote it and I’m an over-thinker)

A/N: I am so sorry for the late update, I was going to do it yesterday but I just needed to add a couple of things to it before uploading. Also I skimmed through this... does that count as proof-reading?

Tags: @waitingfortheendtocome​ @natasha-danvers​ @5aftermidnight​

P.S: Your comments puts fuel/gas in my car, much appreciated x

I do not own the gif below! ♥

Chapter 2 

Erin is a sweet five year old girl with the cutest blonde curls and crystal blue eyes reminding me of a certain hot knight in shining armour.

"See you around Y/N from Y/H/T"

"Miss Nurse do you have any fish?"

I shake the thoughts of Lou out of my head before focusing on the important question asked by my patient.

"No, but I did have when I was younger. He was a clown fish"

"Just like Nemo!" She squeals excitedly.

I grin softly at the innocent statement.

"Just like Nemo"

"Do you think if I ask mummy real nicely, she will get me Nemo once I'm better" she asked sweetly with a hint of sadness. I frown slightly thinking about the treatment that she's currently going through before quickly masking it behind a sweet smile.

"Well there's no harm in asking hey, my little munchkin?" I stroke my thumb across her cheek softly offering some comfort.

"Miss Nurse do you think I'll get any better?"

I fumble slightly trying to gather my thoughts. This has always been the most difficult part of the job but somehow, I wouldn't change it for the world.

"I sure hope so kid! But just know that me and your parents are going to be right here, with you, all the way" I reassure her before standing up and letting her know that she's due her medication.

 Leaving the room, I sigh gently before rubbing my tired eyes. After working three twelve-hour shifts in a row a girl could use a nap. I straighten myself up again and turn towards the nurse’s station, on my way over I see Erin's parents coming through the door and towards her room. They glance over and offer a polite smile and wave before entering. I turn back towards the nurse's station and see Rachel standing behind the desk going through medical files. She quickly glances my way before returning to her task with a mischievous grin.

"Someone looks like shit today; you want to borrow some of my concealer"

" Ha.Ha. very funny Rach, for that you can go on the next medication round"

She pokes her tongue out playfully before abandoning her task and turning her full attention to me. She places her face in the palms of her hands innocently before asking:

"Wanna come out tonight? Please, pretty please?" With a pout for good measure. I groan before rolling my eyes in displeasure.

"The last time I ended up out with you, I almost fractured my ankle" I complain. She scoffs and waves her hand in dismissal.

"Oh please! you were fine after a week besides you got rescued by some hot blonde, if anything you should be thanking me!" She teases. I roll my eyes in good nature before taking the medical file from her pile and walking away.

"I take that as a yes!" She states loudly, leaning over the desk. I turn my head to face her with a grin.

"Of course" with a quick playful wink before heading off to my next patient. I hear a loud "Yes!" from behind me before walking into the patients room.

................................................................................

The club is hot and dark with lightly dimmed blue lights. My tight black dress already clinging to my body like second skin from the heat. If I squint hard enough I can make out the sea of people dancing within the thick smoke on the dance floor.

"Okay before we hit the bar I need to dance the stress of work out of me" I state before being led by Rachel towards the dance floor in the middle of the room.

My hips sway in time with the beat of the song, warm bodies pressed close all around the busy dance floor. I can feel the floor vibrate beneath my feet. Rachel grabs my hand and twirls me around with Lucas our fellow paediatric nurse cheering us on. After half an hour of dancing I can feel my throat becoming drier indicating the need for a drink.

"You guys wanna get a round in" Rachel shouts to the both of us while gesturing to the packed bar in the middle of the room. We all cheer in agreement before grabbing onto each other and making our way through the crowd to the bar.

She waves over the bartender like greeting an old friend. She smiles charmingly at Rachel while leaning over the bar counter.

"There's my favourite girl! What can I get cha tonight Rach?" She says flirtatiously as she eyes Rachel's outfit. She's also opted for a tight-fitting dress in red. She giggles and places her hand on top of the flirty bartender's.

"Can we get a tray of vodka shots please?" She bats her eyelashes for extra measure. The bartender winks cheekily before turning around and preparing our tray

.

"You are such a flirt Rachel" Lucas says from beside me. I laugh in agreement as she pretends to be outraged by the accusation before grabbing the tray from the bartender and handing us both two each.

I bring the shot to my mouth and let the burning liquid travel down my throat. I splutter slightly from the first shot before downing my next one; this time going down a little easier - almost a little too easy. I grab another one from the tray that's still in Rachel's hand and down my third.

"Is it me or is the vodka a little weak?" I say loudly to the pair. They both chuckle and roll their eyes at me.

"Oh the big mighty Y/N thinks she can handle her drinks better than us Rach" Lucas mocks in good nature. I roll my eyes before giving him a playful shove on the shoulder.

"I'm sorry the vodka isn't to your likening"

That voice

Oh how I've dreamt of that voice.

I turn around with wide eyes my mouth opening in shock to see her stood with such confidence and beauty.

Lou

She's got the same signature smirk on her face just like that night in the food truck. I quickly close my gaping mouth and throw Lou a shy smile.

"Just point me in the direction of the club manager because there's no way that's just vodka" I awkwardly tease. I hear Rachel gasp next to me and with a quick glance her way she shakes her head as if indicating for me to stop talking, her eyes wide with slight fear and amusement.

"There's no need to take you to her when she's right here, love" she teases with her deep Australian accent. There's that damn smirk again.

Shit!

"Oh my god Lou, I am so sorry I didn't mean it in a bad way. I guess I can just handle stronger vodka" I ramble feeling embarrassed that I've managed to make a fool of myself TWICE in front of this woman.

She walks slowly up to me so we are in closer proximity and leans towards my ear, her breath smells of mint and is warm against my cheek. I close my eyes at the feeling of it – feeling intoxicated by it.

Maybe the vodka is a bit stronger than I thought.

"If you want something stronger all you gotta do is ask my darling" she pulls back and winks while chewing lazily on a piece of gum.

I shake the dirty thoughts out of my head before straightening up and quickly glancing at the two spectators in this flirtatious game. Their eyes moving back and forth between the two of us, Rach clashes her eyes with mine and winks before mouth "go for it". I quickly look back to Lou and notice that she's still staring at me waiting for a response her crystal blues look dark under the dimmed lights.

"Okay"

Her lips twitch in amusement before replying:

"Okay"

I smile wide at the similar exchange from our first meeting.

I turn back towards my friends to see them subtly giving me approval and making whipping noises.

I am so not whipped.

I feel her arm circle around my waist and her mouth close to my ear - barely touching.

"I hope you don't mind but I'd hate to lose you in the crowd after I've just found you again" she says loudly into my ear before escorting me through the crowds, her arm never loosening its hold around me.

As we come to a flight of stairs, I tense and turn towards her in confusion which effectively removes her arm.

"My office is up here and it's quiet, I'd like to talk to you. I know it sounds crazy, but I've not been able to get you out of my head" she looks deep into my eyes with slight insecurity. I smile gently before gently taking hold of her hand and heading for the steps. I look over my shoulder at her and see that her eyes are glued to one place only:

"I hope you weren't looking at my ass, Aussie" I say cheekily with a smirk. She quickly looks away and smirks; as if she's not ashamed of being caught. Just like that the insecurity is gone.

"I wouldn't dream of objectifying you like that darling"

 The cheek of this woman!

 You secretly love it though

 I blush at the nickname as well as my thoughts before hiding it by turning back around and continuing up the stairs.

We finally reach her office space and gestures for me to seat down on a very expensive black plush sofa.

This is place is huge!

Lou moves over to a small bar in the corner of the room and pours two small glasses of vodka. She walks over with confidence and hands me a glass before taking a seat next to me - hip brushing against hip. She leans her forearms onto her thighs and turns to look at me with those crystal blue eyes.

"Thanks for coming up here it gets a bit much downstairs, how are you? How's that ankle of yours?" She asks softly with some concern.

I smile and feel my heart beating faster at our proximity.

"Uh yeah I'm doing okay. I've managed to see more of New York and made a few friends, plus my ankle is a hundred times better now thanks to you" I say with a teasing undertone. I gently bump my shoulder against hers and grin.

She laughs, mouth wide showing her perfect white teeth.

"So I see you run your own little kingdom around these parts huh. First the burger truck and now a nightclub you must be pretty busy" I state jokingly, she shifts uncomfortably before masking her discomfort with a smug smirk.

"I'm a woman of many talents Y/N" I raise an eyebrow in question to her diverting away from the statement. Her shoulders drop before taking a sip of her drink.

"Growing up... I didn't have a lot. My father worked two jobs trying to provide for us, we moved constantly, never staying in the same place longer than six months. I guess it made me more determined to not have that constant worry of where my next meal was coming from or if I had a roof over my head. So eventually I moved to New York starting working a few highly paying jobs and managed to afford this place.... 5 years later I'm running one of the busiest nightclubs in New York" She stares at me with a soft expression.

"Your amazing" I whisper my eyes taking her in, trying to piece this beautiful woman together. Maybe there's a softness to the mysterious confident Lou. She reaches over and takes my hand into hers, her thumb brushing softly against my skin.

"Listen Y/N...

"Hey Lou baby, we need talk about this plan because I've been up all night thinking about and honestly I need a listening ear... oh you have company"

Lou quickly let's go of my hand and stands briskly, her eyes widen as if being caught doing something she shouldn't be doing.

"Debs I uh, this is Y/N you know the woman I helped a few weeks ago" her voice tight and rushed; as if trying to justify my presence. I reel off all the possibilities as to why she's retreating in this woman's presence until a cold realisation dawn's on me as I stare at them both.

She has a girlfriend

A hot girlfriend

Fuck!

I stand quickly and both women turn and look towards me. Lou seems to realise my conclusion and steps forward, mouth opening as if to reel off an explanation. I sidestep out of her reach and look at her crestfallen face.

"I uh, I should go. My friends will be wondering where I am, it was nice meeting you" I stutter as I clumsily make my way to the door. The hot brunette seems to raise an eyebrow, silently questioning my sudden departure.

"Wait Y/N stay please" Lou asks desperately. My eyes widen at her tone of voice and I can see the brunette is also surprised by her desperation.

"I really can't do this. I'm sorry" I whisper before fleeing the room and down back to the club floor. I quickly find my friends through the sea of people. I grab onto Rachel's arm and lean my mouth to her ear:

"I gotta go I'm not feeling well"

She wiggles her eyebrows playfully.

"Oh yeah I bet you are, how was she?"

There's that sick feeling again; or is it the vodka.

"No seriously I'm gonna head home I'm tired and think I'm coming down with something"

She looks at me with a frown noticing the serious tone of my voice.

"Are you sure? Do you want me to come with you?"

"No its okay, I'll grab a cab from outside and text you in the morning"

I blow a kiss over to Lucas who seems to be too busy with a tall handsome god of a man and quickly leave. As I get to the door a look up towards the office and see Lou looking down scanning the crowd; for me.

It's like a magnet charging between us because in a second her eyes turn to me. She looks pissed and, on a mission, as she quickly takes to the stairs. I turn around and head out of the door and take a deep breath in the cold New York air before heading for a cab. I feel a hand wrap around my elbow desperately.

"Wait Y/N there's been a misunderstanding somewhere, I thought we were getting along"

"Look Lou, I think you're great but this, whatever it is, needs to stop"

She let's go of my arm and stands still, her eyes boring into mine before scanning every inch of my face.

"If that's what you want, I won't pursue anything but I want to at least be your friend Y/N. I know it sounds crazy even I can't believe it but there is something about you Y/N from Y/H/T and I can't get you out of my head. I shouldn't want this but fuck! I need you around... your presence grounds me" she sighs in defeat looking lost her crystal blue eyes pleading for me to understanding.

"Lou I... can't do this. I will not be that girl who gets involved with someone who's already taken, I'm sorry" I whisper before taking a step back - away from her and fleeing before she can explain further.

Once in the cab I look out of the window to see Lou running her hands through her blonde hair in frustration before storming back inside.

What have I gotten myself into.

[the-fiction-witch]

NSFW 100 Officer Thanisson

1. What’s the dirtiest thought you’ve ever had about a total stranger?

I guess I don't think about strangers. Is that normal? Maybe it's just because I don't think about sex all that often? Or maybe because I know pretty much everyone onboard now?

2. Do you prefer sex at night, in the morning, mid-afternoon, or NOW?

Uhhh morning I think, it sounds nicer. nice snuggle leading into kissing and then into some… fun. Plus the finalizer is close quarters with others the walls are like paper I wouldn't want to disturb anyone or wake anyone up.

3. What’s your favourite way to be seduced? 

Y/n does this thing where she strokes her fingers across my hand while she makes direct eye contact… it does… things to me.

4. What’s the dirtiest fantasy you’ve had at work?

I once imagined y/n had snuck to work with me and sat under my desk at the control panel and uhhh sucked me off. Ummmm it was so dirty I had to run home on my break just to finish myself it was so good.

5. How would you dominate your boss sexually if given the chance?

I'll be honest. I'd think about it! He's a dick and he's not that bad looking… 

6. What do you do when you get horny in public?

Hide from the world. Or run back to my room. I am not good at being… outwardly Sexual.

7. Have you ever masturbated in a public bathroom?

No! They have cameras everywhere on here even in the bathrooms. I'll just wait till I can go home.

8. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve thought about while touching yourself?

I once dreamt… about y/n, masturbating while she was on a planet mission, just video calling me showing her laid on this little bed, her breasts bouncing, her pussy glistening, as she Screamed for me. I wish she would sex call me from missions sometimes it would make me so horn- happy. Happy.

9. What’s the strangest prop you’ve used to get yourself off?

We have a little alarm clock. It's meant to be for the kitchen or for work stuff because when it goes off it vibrates, it's meant to vibrate off of whenever you put it and go across the floor so you can't ignore it but uhhh… I have put it down my pants and set it for in two minutes. Fuck I screamed so loudly… feeling myself up the whole time it went off. 

10. Do you remember the first time you felt aroused?

I don't remember it exactly I remember like the aftermath like I now know all of training I was horny as fuck I was hard, I was aroused but because y/n was with me I just thought I was nervous but as I watched her walk away I knew… ohh fuck I'm in love aren't I? And uhh something is wrong with my pants.

11. Who gave you your first orgasm?

Y/n did, I had never really worked out how to do it without her so I just kinda lives with it and then a date night about ten months into our relationship we laid on my bed making out hard and she slipped her hand down and… well you know what she did.

12. Do you remember what that first orgasm felt like?

Not really. I was on another planet, just kinda staring at her feeling this wave of unexplainable feeling washing over me taking away years if build up frustration.

13. Have you ever had sex with someone whose name you never knew?

No, never.

14. What’s your favourite thing about a quickie?

Just getting it over with getting rid of this stupid thing or or course helping y/n when she needs me desperately too

15. What the most sexually daring thing you’ve ever done?

Everything on our trip to lapliaz, it's a small moon of a planet far from here and we went for a little anniversary trip last spring and uhh everything on lapliaz is an aprohdesiax for humans, and I mean… everything. The food. The water. The air! As you can imagine little cabins are very popular destinations on lapliaz, we had so much sex in the garden, in the rivers, anywhere possibly could. It was a world of sex and I can't wait to go back… for our honeymoon.

16. Have you ever fantasized about fucking one of your teachers?

No… should I have?

17. Do you ever mentally strip strangers just for kicks?

Sometimes, when I'm bored but it always ends up to me just thinking about y/n

18. And then imagine, in dirty detail, what it would be like to fuck them?

No! I wait for that sort of thing till I get home 

19. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex?

Yes. Many times. Mostly trooper boys in truth or dare but I like it fine

20. What inspires you to make the first move?

Uuhhh no. Y/n makes the first move I do not. I am not… that sexual of a boy.

21. In your opinion, what does it mean to be good in bed?

To make your partner Happy and to not be a dick.

22. Have you ever cheated on a boyfriend or girlfriend because you just couldn’t help yourself?

No! I've only ever done anything with y/n. Except some kissing and stuff with the guys but that was before we where together and she knows about it all I've told her she doesn't mind I had a couple of flings before we got together so did she I would never chest on her never.

23. Have you ever pushed the boundaries of fidelity to the brink and then retreated just for the rush?

No! Why would I risk hurting the feelings of the most wonderful girl in the galaxy? Why would anyone do that? 

24. Do you have a go-to masturbation fantasy?

Uhhhhh well… I don’t do it much but whenever I do I always Imagine my sweet y/n in her tight first order uniform, bending over and teasing me with her sexy body, or imagining her touching herself in her room, or in her on her little missions hidden away moaning for me

25. What kind of porn turns you on?

I don’t really look at porn. I just imagine y/n if I ever need to, but if I really don’t want my imagination when y/n is away then I’ll bring up some of her beautiful pictures she takes and sends me while she’s away. Or our video’s and pictures from our time on lapliaz

26. Have you ever had sex with your eyes closed?

A couple of times not on purpose I just sometimes shut my eyes when I get so overwhelmed especially if y/n is on top

27. Have you ever blindfolded or handcuffed your partner?

y/n has blindfolded me so many times she enjoys torturing me, she hasn’t handcuffed me yet but… I wouldn’t put it past her planning it

28. Does naughty talk get you aroused?

Ughhhhhh well I uhh kinda… when she makes eye contact and says something to me with that evil little smile

29. Are you sure about that, my dirty little forest nymph of a sex god?

Well… Yeah, I uhhh….. I’m sure 

30. What’s the dirtiest thing someone’s ever said to you during sex?

“My sexy baby want to be inside me? Hu? Is that what you like? Being inside me? Then make love to me baby” 

31. Have you ever watched another couple get it on without them knowing?

No! That is weird why would you wanna do that!

32. Have you ever watched another couple have sex with their permission?

No! Who wrote these? This is crazy...

33. How would you respond if a couple approached you to be their “third”?

No thank you, y/n teasing me is enough I do not want another person involved.

34. What’s the most flattering thing someone’s said about your naked body?

“So beautiful, so handsome, how can I stop these desires towards you when you are so lovely” 

35. When’s the last time you had a vivid sex dream?

Two nights ago, she was away on a mission to track the rebels and I imagined her in bed with me teasing me and torching me in all the dirty little ways she loves

36. What do you think an orgy would be like?

Awkward… I am a small introverted boy. I am not that sexual I don’t think I’d enjoy it

37. Have you ever propositioned a total stranger?

No! 

38. What does your ideal one-night stand look like?

I don’t like one night stands, I want to be able to cuddle and to have breakfast the next day and… truly feel in love

39. How long does it take you to get yourself off, on average?

About ten minutes on my own or… with my clock. 

40. What’s the weirdest thing that turns you on?

Y/n’s voice. I can hear her voice call across a room and I have had to put my legs together or cross my legs and force the thoughts that perk up in my mind when ever I hear that beautiful voice 

41. Have you ever had a naughty dream about a close friend or family member?

No! What is wrong with you people?

42. Have you ever woken up humping your pillow?

So many times. Like daily if y/n’s on missions without me. Or her if she’s there

43. When’s the last time you orgasmed in your sleep?

……..Yesterday.

44. What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you while hooking up?

Well cumming to early. And screaming too loud, having people walk in on us, but the worst was that I got the hiccups one time after a very intense make out. 

45. Do you like touching yourself in front of the people you sleep with?

Well I like doing it for her while she’s away if she asks it of me, I’ll let her watch me all she wants but never in the same room… well I would if she wanted me too 

46. What’s the dirtiest text you’ve ever sent or received?

So many dirty messages of the things she wanted to do to me, all the dirty things she wanted me to do to myself and film it for her she always sends me sweet seductive messages while shes away or while she’s at work there always so good. And they make me miss her even more.

47. Do you prefer professional or amateur porn?

Amateur. I love videos and photos and text massages she sends me I love it all so much

48. What’s your favourite blowjob technique?

Uhhhhhhhhh there are techniques? If I’m getting one I’m overwhelmed and excited she only does it if its really being mean to me, or if I was a very good boy

49. If you had to pick, would you be a dominatrix or a submissive?

Submissive. I am a submissive boy.

50. Is there anything you won’t do in bed?

Anything she doesn’t want and I am never ever doing anything involving like body fluids

51. What’s your dirtiest sexual fantasy? 

I want to take Y/n back to our little cabin by the purple shores on lapliaz, have her tie me to the bed… and so whatever she wants to me for a whole week.

52. How many people have you slept with? 

One just y/n

53. Where’s the weirdest place you’ve had sex?

On the beach in lapliaz. On the sand together next to our cabin and the woods. 

54. What’s your favourite part of Y/n’s body? 

I love her shoulders, to nuzzle with, to cuddle with, to kiss all over, to give hikis and love bites, I just like her shoulders 

55. Have you ever had anal sex? 

… not on y/n. We have on… me a few times.

56. If you could choose what Y/n was wearing right now, what would you choose? 

Ohh my god I get to choose. Uhhhh I’ll have her dressed in those tight first order pants, her little white shirt with the lace around her arms and chest, and those big chucky black boots.

57. Where on your body is your favourite place to be touched? 

I like when she ghosts her fingers across my hand, or my V… I love when she just teasingly strokes across me

58. If you could have sex anywhere in the world, where would it be? 

On lapliaz of course 

59. When did you first had sex? 

One very happy date night on the finalizer 

60. What’s the best sex you’ve ever had? 

On Lapliaz! Just letting her torcher me as much as possible

61. What’s your favourite position? 

I love her riding me, she’s so happy because she gets to torcher me, and I get to watch her do whatever she wants to me

62. Have you ever been caught having sex? 

So many times. We just have to double check we locked the door before we get too busy

63. Do you watch porn? 

I watch y/n

64. What kind of porn do you watch? 

Y/n’s photo’s and videos. 

65. How often do you masturbate? 

 Well not so often I don’t get horny too much without y/n here to torcher me, but when she sends me a sweet photo or video.. I can’t help it

66. Name a sex position you’d like to try?

 I wanna try reverse cowgirl! So badly!

67. Do you prefer to give or receive? 

 I prefer to give she’s always so good to me I like giving her something back. And I get so overwhelmed when she gives to me

 68. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

 So many times, and I like doing it, I wish we could more often

69. What’s the most sex you’ve had in a day? 

 Sixteen times in one day, but with our honeymoon coming I plan on breaking that record

70. Are you loud or quiet during sex? 

 I love quiet sex. I love trying to stay quiet so knowone hears us

71. Have you ever tried using food during foreplay? 

 We tried using chocolate but… the mess it made on the bed was not worth it

72. What’s the first thing that sexually attracts you to someone? 

 Voice, and well… showing an interest in me

73. Would you say you have any fetishes? 

 I like being a sub and letting her have her way with me. Does that count? 

74. When it comes to BDSM, how far have you gone/would go? 

 As far as y/n wants to go

75. What’s your favourite toy? 

 I like the alarm clock,

76. Do you ever read erotic fiction? 

 No, I don’t know where you’d get that from

77. Have you joined the mile high club? 

 Well we often have sex on the finalizer… so? The trillion mile high club?

78. Do you think you could take off Y/n underwear with no hands? 

 I don’t know… I think I could. But I’ll happily try

79. Would you say you’re kinky? 

 Y/n is kinky I just let her have me all she wants

80. Do you enjoy shower sex? 

 I love shower sex, I love when y/n climbs in with me! Its so good

81. Where’s the weirdest place you’ve ever masturbated? 

 ….Under my desk. Everyone was at lunch so… I put my hand under my pants and thought about my y/n

82. Do you like to be spanked? 

……... Yes. I do

83. Have you ever fantasised about someone else during sex? 

No! Only my y/n

 84. If y/n caught you masturbating, would you stop or would you finish? 

Well, I’d do whatever she wanted me to. But I don’t really do it if she is around only when she’s away. But if I was then I would do whatever she wanted me to do

85. Have you ever had an inappropriate crush? 

Well on y/n. But thats all

86. Have you ever cried or fallen asleep during sex? 

I have cried when I get too overwhelmed or when she’s tortured me far to much and I get overwhelmed 

87. Do you prefer eye contact or not during sex? 

 I love eye contact it does something to me...

88. Do you like to kiss during sex? 

 I love kisses but I rarely get them, she knows I like them during sex so she keeps them from me

89. Do you get tired after sex? 

 Very tired after all the torcher 

90. How many positions do you think you’ve tried? 

 Most of them I think

91. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sex? 

 Six months, she was off on a mission 

92. How high is your sex drive? 

 Mines not all that high but y/n’s is crazy

93. What’s a surefire way to turn you on? 

 Stroke against my skin… it is amazing

94. Sex with lights on or lights off? 

 Lights on, but she likes blindfolding me anyway

95. Do you like dirty talk? 

 Well …..I like it sometimes

96. Do you prefer one night stands or longer-term sexual partners? 

 Long term. always

97. Do you prefer to be on top or bottom? 

 Bottom.

98.Rough or romantic? 

 Roughly romanic

99. Quickie or marathon session? 

 marathon!!

100. What’s the best thing about our sex life?  

Aww that you’re happy to go along with how… shy and how crazy I am. I love how nothing is ever no, its an open discussion, and I love how much you take care of me my little glaralian flower. And I can’t wait to marry you, and take you back to our little cabin on lapliaz

[klaumiel]

You are all I’ve got, Austin.// Chapter 2: Mama Knows Best

I was sitting in my favourite armchair in my parent’s house, sipping tea and chilling like every other Saturday morning. She makes the best tea in the world, like a magic elixir for all my fears and problems. Checking my phone every few minutes, I looked at my mum sitting on the sofa focused on filing her long red nails. She is beautiful as always, so classy and sophisticated, with her beautiful long black and curly hair, big brown eyes. She looked like a proper lady in her brown pencil skirt and white shirt neatly pushed inside, long legs like a model, nobody can tell that she just turned fifty-two. She was glowing. And yet, there was this familiar sadness in her eyes, I’ve seen it so many times, this look when she stares in the distance lost in her thoughts, hurts me every time seeing her like this because I know exactly what it means.

Dad promised her that this will be his last deployment and he will retire so they can finally live their lives the way they wanted, but he said that last time as well and one before that. She knew that he always wanted to reach the Captain rank, and she let him follow his dreams. Even if that meant leaving us for months every year, missing Christmas, birthdays and challenging times. He got promoted four years ago and finally, after over thirty years in the army, he had his dream job. My mother never complained, she loves him too much, after all, he was her first love her ‘hero’ as he always calls him.

She was devoted to her work as a music teacher, that always helped her in worse times, we grew up with her beautiful songs and a voice of an angel, her powerful cante flamenco only proved how magical and emotional music can be.

It was tough for her to leave Sevilla, her family and friends, but she did it for love, for my Dad. My grandmother was against it, but she did it anyway. A nineteen years old music student with no language or money, completely alone only a handsome soldier that she fell in love with a few months before. She knew that she will have a beautiful life; she took a risk, and it paid off. Well, that’s what she uses to tell us, was it really what she always dreamt off? Being part-single single mother with two kids, praying every day for her husband to come back in one piece and not in the wooden box? I think she tried so hard to convince herself that in the end, she believed it.

She is the most caring and loving person I know, always two steps ahead of us catching us before we fall, still supporting even if what we are doing it’s just stupid and illogical.

We didn’t give her a hard time as kids, as twins, we naturally looked after one another without even thinking about it, if one was in trouble or going through a hard time the other one always knew. It always freaked me out how this is possible that being somewhere else I can still feel Shaun’s emotions and vice versa. We are the same in every aspect, like the same things, react the same way to everything.

‘Maya!’ She snapped me from my thoughts ‘I asked you if you want more tea and some cake? Lemon cheesecake your favourite.’ Did she just said lemon cheesecake !?

‘Oh my god, Mum! You don’t have to ask twice. You know that I would die for it’ She laughed and walked to the kitchen.

I looked at my phone again. Just a few silly messages from Gemma describing Greg’s best bed tricks. I swear she will eat this poor guy alive! After a few conversations with Greg, I convinced him to give her a chance, he finally understood that we can’t be together as the feeling wasn’t mutual.

They went on a date a few days after, and now they are inseparable, I felt a little guilty that I left this for so long I could’ve pushed them earlier to try.

I called Gemma while my mum was in the kitchen.

‘Hey, girl! What’s up?!’ She answered I could hear Greg in the background; I guess I just disturbed something. Did he just moan?!

‘Nothing much, I’m just chilling here with my mum and wanted to check how are you doing, but from your texts, and what I can hear I guessed you are nice and comfy whenever you are’ I laughed

‘Well, I’m with Greg … I had to pull him away from work, he spends way  too much time working on things that don’t matter, he needs to relax, reports and taxes can wait until Monday I am more important right now’ she giggled

‘You know he is a workaholic, but I can see you are doing a great job in changing that, I’m glad to hear it. ‘

‘And how is your prison bae? Did you decide if you are going to visit him? I thought that was your plan for today, to surprise him. Did you chicken out?’ I checked if my mum wasn’t coming back from the kitchen, and I lowered my voice.

‘I didn’t chicken out, I called yesterday, but I was late for booking. Plus I am not sure if surprising him is a good idea, maybe I should discuss this with him first ‘ I saw my mum coming back from the kitchen.

‘Is your call girl, you know him better, but you have to make up your mind. Six weeks of only texting and sending hot pics is a long time. You are long overdue for the next level. Just don’t get too invested if you are not sure if you want to make a move, plus is not like you two have much of a future… I think you should look elsewhere is pointless to waste your time on him at this point, he has no future ’ Not much of a future ?! Waste my time?! What the hell was that about?! I was just about to call her out, but I saw my mum in the living room pouring tea and putting three plates on the table.

‘OK, Gemma, I have to go. Have fun, just make sure you can walk on Monday. Sara is only waiting for a chance to shame you in front of everyone…Bye’ I hang up before she could answer. I couldn’t believe that she said that. What got into her? She was very salty about the whole Austin situation from the start, and recently she avoided me. Just talking about herself and Greg. Even in the office, we didn’t chat as much as we use to. I was puzzled and hurt at the same time, that was so mean and entirely not like her.

I tossed my phone on the table with anger, and I was just about to dig into my cheesecake when I heard a doorbell.

‘I will get it Mum!’ I run to the door, I knew it was Shaun I could feel it, smiling from ear to ear, his black curls wet from the rain falling in his green eyes.

I am always so happy to see him, my little brother. Well, three minutes difference, but still, he is younger than me, and he hates it.

‘Hello, sis! I think I need a towel is absolutely lashing out there’ He said, shaking his wet hair while coming inside.

‘Here it is sweetheart, just in time, cake is on the table.’ My mum always two steps ahead, always prepared. She hugged him and dried his head with towel messing his hair up.

As soon as we sat down, I heard my phone ping. A familiar tune that made me smile each time I heard it. It was him! Of course, it was, I didn’t talk to anyone else there. I grabbed it as fast as I could, Shaun and Mum were busy chatting about some series on Netflix that I didn’t see, so I took the opportunity to focus on the conversation with Austin. He had a shitty day, so I decided to cheer him up a little. I’ve sent him a picture of me holding a tray with the pie that I’ve made the day before from the recipe he gave me. I was covered in flour from head to toe my hair was all messy. He joked about the mess I made in the kitchen. We talked about our favourite desserts, we had the same taste, so it wasn’t surprising to me when he said that lemon cheesecake is also his favourite. It was a short conversation, his time in the library was over. He kept his phone there, in one of the books.

I was happy to have at least this ten minutes with him. Made me feel better that I managed to cheer him up a little bit, he was a bit tense lately. I had a feeling he is hiding something, but I didn’t want to push him.

I’ve put my phone down, and I saw Shaun and Mum staring at me.

‘What?’ I asked nervously looking around myself to see what they are looking at. ‘Did I spill some tea? ‘

‘Who was that sweetie?’ My Mum smiled at me ‘Was it Albert?’ Why would she think it was Albert?

‘No, why you think it was Albert? I didn’t hear from him for weeks, plus we left it as they were. I don’t want to waste my time on him. I don’t even know when he is coming back, could be months. I made my decision, one soldier in the family is enough. I want my man to be next to me every day. I am not strong enough to go through the same as you’ her smile dropped instantly. Fuck! My big mouth again! ‘ Mum I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to..’

‘It’s ok love, I know what you mean, and I fully understand it’s not an easy life, and if you don’t feel like he is worth that kind of commitment you shouldn’t waste your time and wait for him. I stuck with your father because he was the one, still is but if you don’t feel like Albert is that’s only fair’ she paused for a second, and her smile came back ‘ So if not Albert who was it then? You were smiling and giggling the whole time. I didn’t see you like this for a long time.’

She was right, I didn’t feel like this for a long time, this whole Luke situation messed me up pretty badly.

‘It’s nothing, is just a guy from Lovelink that I am chatting with. Really, not a big deal’ She didn’t believe a word I said. Shaun shoot me an angry glance. Mum always knows when we are lying.

‘You are not getting away with this, not this time, you just blew your cover by giggling like mad! He knew about Austin, I told him everything, and I felt like it is time to share it with mum. At this stage, I was too deep into this, and she already knew that I am hiding something. We never had any secrets in the family, we made a promise that we need to share everything so we can help each other when we needed, and I didn’t want to break it.

I looked at my phone again and saw the last message from Austin.

“Bye messy pie ’’

I smiled. He is so fucking sweet, sometimes. Took a deep breath.

‘OK, I will tell you but please don’t freak out.’

She poured more tea to the mugs sat comfortably on the sofa, put her hands on her knees. She was ready, that’s what she thought, but she wasn’t.

‘About six weeks ago I matched with this guy, Austin Russo. I wasn’t sure at first, but I swiped because he intrigued me, I saw something interesting in him. See for yourself.’ I showed her his profile picture and the one he sent me a few weeks ago with his pop. I kept shirtless to myself.

‘Wow, handsome man. So far, so good.’ God, she is so not ready for that. Shaun smiled, he knew I was shitting myself, I didn’t want her to know.

‘Well, we really clicked, not right away. In the beginning, I thought that he is a bit of a prick, rude and arrogant, but he started to open up and … we were texting every day, getting to know each other. He is a bit rough around the edges but is getting better. I think I am bringing his soft side now. You will like that… he is a poet.’ I had to start with the right things, prepare her. She loves poetry.

‘Oh, that’s so romantic. You seem to like him.’

‘Yes, I do. I feel like we have a connection, even tho we’ve been only texting, we didn’t really meet in real life yet, but we have something special.’

‘ He didn’t take you for a date in six weeks? Why? That’s a red flag sweetheart ‘ Fuck! Here we go. Just say it! I looked at Shaun, begging for help, but he nodded reassuring me. I took a deep breath and looked at my Mum. My mouth was dry as sand, I took a big sip of tea, brushed my hair nervously She is going to flip.

‘Mum, we couldn’t go on a date because he is in prison’ My heart pounded in my chest, I  desperately searched for her reaction. She had a poker face, but I knew she was shocked, she didn’t say anything because she knew this is not all ‘He was falsely accused of murder seven years ago.. he is innocent, but there is not enough evidence to prove it.’

She didn’t say anything, just looked away then down. I felt my eyes filling with tears. She is disappointed, she won’t even look at me. I caught Shaun looking at her. Finally, she said quietly slowly bringing her eyes back to me.

‘Well, this was unexpected.. how long is his sentence?’ Mum was very serious, but I could see that she cared, she was worried. There was approval in her piercing brown eyes. That approval that I needed right now.

‘He is on the death row.’ I nearly whispered, looking at the floor, tears flowing. I felt horrible. On one side, my mum, always wanting me to find a good Nobel man and have a perfect family, one that we never had. And on the other side Austin, the not ideal partner for her perfect daughter, another criminal

‘Oh my god, sweetie.’ She sat on the floor next to me, took my hands in hers and looked at me ‘Are you hundred per cent sure he is innocent?’

‘ Yes, I believe him.’ I whispered

I told her everything. How Austin and his pop ran a chop shop together, how his half-brother Bennie started using heavy drugs and his father kicked him out, so he decided to take them down with his new gang; they got into a fight and Bennie tried to shoot Austin but his pop pushed him away and took the bullet. Bennie and his thugs knocked Austin down and left him next to his dead father with the gun in his hand. Unfortunately, this was enough evidence to prove him guilty and sentenced to death.

I didn’t even notice that I was crying like a baby the whole time. I must’ve looked pathetic.

‘ I know that you think I must be stupid, he could be lying and just playing me, but I really have feelings for him. I can’t even explain it. I believe him, he would never kill his father, he loved him, I could feel it from the way he spoke about him.’ I took a deep breath trying to calm myself ‘I saw his rough side when we started talking, but now he is a different person…  he opened up ‘ Suddenly all the thoughts of losing him went through my head

‘Mum... I have to help him … I don’t know how but I can’t let him die.’ I felt her arms wrapped around my shoulders when she squeezed to sit next to me. She wiped my cheeks and lifted my chin.

‘ Sweetheart, I would never think you are stupid. Love is never stupid, I would’ve been a complete hypocrite to think this way. You are my daughter, my whole world, and I love you with my whole heart. You are exactly like me when you fall for someone you fall deep. I can see that you care about this boy. And your golden heart won’t let you just leave him like that.  Maya, if you believe he's innocent, I trust you’ She pointed at my phone ’ I don’t see a murderer in him, there is good in his eyes. And what’s most important you see a good person in him, you gave him a chance because you knew is right.’ Her expression softened ‘ We better start thinking about how we can help him.’

Shaun sat on the sofa, resting his head on his hands, suddenly he got up.

‘Sis, we will figure something out. There must be a way to get him out of this, talk to him see what you can learn. I’m sure he knows what to do but is holding back, is too proud to ask you for help. He is too young and definitely not ready to die…Listen… Dad will be back in a few weeks maybe he can pull some strings, in the meantime try to convince Austin to let you help him.’

I wasn’t expecting my mum to understand, but she saw something more than just a stupid girl falling in love with the guy who most likely will never see the outside world before saying goodbye to it. She felt my determination and will to get him out of this shit, and as always she was two steps ahead.

‘ What was the other evidence apart from the gun?’ She asked while walking back to the sofa

‘ Partial DNA on him, which by the way is the same as Bennie’s, if we could have his DNA that would be a full match. I’m sure that would be enough to prove him innocent. I spoke with him about this, but nobody knows where Bennie is now, and police aren’t even looking for him. Plus is not easy to convince Austin to let me help him, he is stubborn, he lived with the idea that there is no chance for him to get out for seven years and now when there is a small chance he is scared, he won’t admit it, but he is scared someone will get hurt because of him again.’

‘You have to convince him’ Shaun said ‘ I am sure he knows something, a guy like Bennie can’t just disappear without the trace unless they are dead. Then we are screwed… Talk to him and don’t do anything stupid alone, you have me’ He smiled and flicked my nose

Next day I spoke with Austin about the possibility of finding Bennie, of course, he didn’t want me to get involved. How someone can be so stubborn!?

But that day, I decided that I had enough of him pissing around. After he got stabbed in the library by few of Bennie’s thugs who tried to cut his tongue, to make sure he won’t speak before the execution.

This was the point in which I drew the line, it was too much. My man was in grave danger, and I suppose to sit with my arms crossed? No fucking way! But before he managed to get proper angry he told me that we will give it ago, he had information where Bennie was last seen, he sent me an address and asked me to wait until we make a plan. He clearly doesn’t know me as well as he thinks he does.’

The moment Austin went offline, I put the address in my GPS  and drove there. I looked around the place that seemed to be a chop shop. Austin texted me when I was hidden behind the fence. He was fuming, I didn’t listen to him after all, he specifically told me to wait. Sorry not sorry, darling.

We confirmed that the bike outside the shop was Bennie’s, I went to look around searching for anything useful, but then my luck reached its end together with my common sense.

Bennie found me. I had only one chance to use this to my advantage, he was meters away from me. I only needed a bit of his hair, that's all.

I could stir it anyway I could, I had him right in front of me, but no. I did the only thing my stupid mind told me to.

I agreed to go on a date with a murderer. How wonderfully clever of me. Mama will be proud.

It was the stupidest idea ever, but it was the only chance I had to free Austin, or at least save his life.

Austin wasn’t happy with the idea, but he knew it is the only way. Only one shot, he’s the only door to freedom.

We planned everything, go in get the hair and get out. Simple as that. Nothing can go wrong, right? Right.

I called Shaun, I was stupid and desperate enough to go on a date a murderer but not dumb as to go there alone.

[bow-woahh]

Heal Me After Hurting chapter 2 DVD commentary ask?

Send me your favorite scene/chapter from one of my works and I’ll post a DVD commentary on it.

Heal me after hurting! it's been a while since I've revisited this so I'm excited to talk about it! It's crazy to think it was nearly a year ago when I wrote it. It genuinely feels like just yesterday.

Chapter 2 ("Sick of saying nothing back") is the chapter where Catra and Adora actually start to communicate their feelings about each other and past together (hence why it's pretty dialogue heavy).

Catra has obviously just woken up from a nightmare and is still feeling pretty out of it, so it makes sense she'd be a little less closed off as a defense mechanism. Plus after hours of not actually speaking to Adora, she actually really wants to.

"Catra? Hey...hey, babe— don't, don’t cry, what’s wrong?”

I could be wrong but I'm pretty sure Adora says babe at least once every chapter. Maybe just one and two. But yes, that was purposeful.

(“For many, closure is a good tool to put an end to lingering questions and thoughts in one's mind, for others, all it does is remind them of things you needn’t reminders of. Over due time, you’ll figure out whether you want that closure or not, or whether to move on and look towards the future.”)

It's so sad that S5 completely destroyed the Micah as Catra's father figure/advice giver character but hey I still love the idea of this dynamic and I stand by it with him as her therapist in this fic.

Also, closure is a very important theme in this chapter, as neither of them got that: Catra because she literally wasn't allowed to get any and by the time she was it was too late; Adora because although she did break up with Catra, it was over text and was the last thing she wanted to do. Lots of unresolved issues were left behind.

“You—” Catra stops herself, takes a breath, then tries again. "You just...disappeared out of my life, left."

There's an obvious reason as to why Adora left and completely cut her off (because of Catra's mental health and how she wasn't just a danger to herself but others too) but it's so unlike her that Catra wants to believe that there was some other reason, that is wasn't just because—in her eyes—that she wasn't good enough. And actually, she turns out to be kind of right.

“I wasn’t well,” she says, mouth dry and words meek. It comes out like an excuse, even though it’s anything but.

This is at the moment the closest Catra can get to an apology, because she knows what she did was wrong and has grown a lot since then, but it's still so hard to admit that, especially to the person the hurt the most.

"It's just, I just...I dreamt about—"

Adora scoots closer. "Everything that happened that night? Yeah, I, um…I do too sometimes. It must be worse for you though, especially because…” she hesitates, then says, “still– you're not supposed to use your voice, you need to fully recover, okay?"

She cares SO much like ❤️🥺

"I didn't know what to do, or say, what was allowed." Adora replies, still apprehensive.

Adora likes rules, and boundaries. Before, although their relationship was obviously still kind of convoluted, for all it's faults it worked. After the incident, even once Catra was leading a healthier life, Adora had no clue how to approach her, if she could approach her. All the boundaries once there were gone with new ones that were so blurry that there was no point in trying to cross them. It was as if they were strangers, which is something Adora wasn't equipped to deal with.

Adora also says before this: “Everyone said– they said to give you space. So you could recover. So...I listened.”

Because she didn't know what she could do, what the boundaries were, she followed the guidelines set for her by others, which may or may not have been the right thing to do.

“You still care,” Catra whispers, bringing her knees up to her chest, head starting to pound as she begins to regret the bold statement.

Despite everything, despite Adora taking care of her the whole day, it's only now that Catra realises (or let's herself acknowledge) that Adora does still care greatly for her. Adora is obviously amazed at how Catra can even imply otherwise, because Adora never stopped caring and she thought it was pretty obvious.

Closing the lingering distance – the lingering tension – between them, Catra moves to sit opposite Adora.

“Adora... I’m sorry. For everything. I wish that– I wish things were different. That I was different.”

This!! Line!! Okay first — the fact Catra said the same thing in S5...I'm a prophet. But also, this is so important because now, just like in the show, now that Catra's finally admitted to the person she hurt the most that she does feel remorse over her actions, she can move forward now. Obviously, the contexts are a little different but I'd say it mostly applies.

Maybe things were always destined to happen this way.

Listen Catradora are simply star crossed lovers, but only for a little while. I just feel like in every universe it only makes sense of they fall out/grow distant before coming back together. They get their happy ending, but it just takes a little while yknow?

"No, it wasn't right, I should have spoken to you sooner, instead of lurking in the background…" the colour seems to rush to her face at the statement, and Catra can't help but be curious about what she actually means.

I remember when I was outlining literally writing how Adora would like,, low-key stalk Catra to see how she was doing. Nothing like super creepy, maybe just sitting in one of lectures or watching her with Scorpia and Catra at a coffee shop that she just happened to go to as well. Completely coincidental.

Catra wants to say 'me too'. She wants to shout it out at the top of the lungs, because all throughout when she was recovering she thought of Adora, love or hate – or a mix of the two – she thought of her.

Obviously drawing from the show here. Like it was clear they never really stopped thinking about each other and the same can be said here. Catra could never quite get rid of Adora from her mind. Partially because of how much she cared and loved her but also because of the fact she'd had so little closure from Adora.

“I didn’t even have my phone. The old guy was pretty careful with who I talked to in the first month or so. But…” she halts, and can’t help but wrap the arms around herself tighter.

A little extra info that I never put in the fic because it just relevant — Catra has a dad in this, which is who she's referring to here. Also, if you couldn't tell from the few context clues here and there, Catra is also pretty rich too. She wasn't exactly spoilt when she was growing up because, for a while, her dad was married to SW (picture evil step mum) but by the time she was around 16, 17, she's out of the picture, because of an,, unfortunate accident. Shadow Weaver is either present or dead in all the fics I write, okay?

“[...]They all told me to cut all ties with you, so you’d be able to focus on yourself, so I could do the same, and what I had wanted to say wasn’t exactly what everyone else expected.”

[Adora taking about the message she sent to Catra] I imagine before Adora agonised over what to say to Catra for days, much to Glimmer and Bow's dismay that they ended up sitting down and helping her right the message that she actually sent, but she obviously hated it then wrote the message she actually wanted to send in her own, before being unable to send it and going with the other one.

“Catra, I’m here babe, talk to me,” Adora says

She said babe again?!? Damn I went to town lmao

“Don’t...don’t cry,” Adora says, unconvincingly and accompanied with a weak smile in an even weaker whisper of her own. That’s all it takes for the dam to crumble completely and overflow. When those tears finally pour down, her first sob sends shivers down her spine, and it quickly worsens from there.

Ouch...this scene hurts to read. I'm sure when I was writing it I was laughing manically at the pain I was going to inflict on you all but...damn. Like the way Catra is trying so hard to stay strong but as soon as she sees Adora distressed again she just breaks down. God how an I getting hurt by my own fic??

Carefully, cautiously even, she wipes a straggling tear from her cheek, and with her lips just slightly upturned, mismatched eyes piercing through sky blue ones, she whispers, “it’s okay now though? Isn’t it?”

This moment is. Everything. So far, a lot of this has been Adora comforting Catra, Adora literally looking after Catra, but this is finally Catra reciprocating that by comforting Adora back, by letting her know ‘I'm here for you too.’ Also the brief tension that this causes.. wonderful.

Catra can see, smell, is Adora, and her lips are right there, looking soft and alluring like they always have, like they'll be enough to dissipate all worries, cast away all her doubts. But she’s scared, scared for this to happen, because it’s all so soon, too sudden, and moments before they'd been crying, and what if she messes up, what if this gesture messes it up?

I loved finding out how I actually fooled people into thinking they were gonna kiss. I'm sorry. But I'm not. Most people actually said they were glad they didn't, which was very much the response I wanted, so I was pretty happy with it.

“I was kinda worried you'd never come around, or that we'd get close and one of us would shut down once the serious stuff was brought up. If I’m being honest, I nearly didn't come— when Scorpia asked.”

"I don't see why she asked or why you'd want to." Catra shrugs

Yes. Scorpia was 100% being a bit of a shit stirrer. She knew these two fools needed to talk to each other.

Casually, Adora let's out the next statement as if it were fact. “They weren't you.” she answers with a shrug.

At this point Adora has long accepted that there's no one like Catra. That there's no one who can replace her. What she was to her. Obviously she tried, but Catra was still there the whole time in her mine. Catra is just it for her and she knows that. So for her, admitting this is as easy as breathing because she's come to terms with it.

But she can't, she's too far behind, she's still processing, and she hates that, because Adora feels – is – a million miles ahead of her, and she wishes it could be easy, that she could be easy on herself, that she could let Adora hear what she wants, no, needs to hear…though she just isn't there yet.

I feel so bad for Catra here because she feels like she can't keep up with Adora's pace, how well she's handling this, but it's not even her fault, like, it's just harder for her to deal with it like :((

Catra never saw the need for it anyway– Adora already looks stunning without it. Expecting her brain to chide her for even thinking that, Catra is practically amazed when there’s no little voice in her head condemning her for thinking such a thing, for going back there.

Progress,, we like to see! Obviously, in the last chapter we see more of this as well, which is great.

Adora, who broke up with her. Adora, who was once her everything. Adora, the one she had hurt the most, was here; talking to her, accepting her, smiling at her, forgiving her.

Callback to chapter 1,, we love to see it lmao

Anyway I hope you enjoyed this! Sorry it took 59 years but to make up for it, chap 8 of bloom will be up in like 2, 3 days! (:

[fave-fanfic-for-now]

Where Do I Belong? - Ch. 6

The Mandalorian x Reader x Ezra

Fem!reader

Warnings: Smut, threesome, oral sex, m&f recieving, oral male on male, death, violence, swearing, blood, 18+, amateur writing

Previous Chapter

Next Chapter

Masterlist

Pic by @ezraslittlebirdie

“So,” I say turning to Martinez, “What’s that book your reading?”

“It’s called the Razor Crest, like the ship,” He responds, “why did you not like it?”

 “I think I dreamt about it.”

“People in a coma don’t dream.”

“Normal people don’t dream Sgt. Martinez,” the doctor calls out as she enters the room, “but as we all know Manticore born soldiers are not normal people. Your brain scans showed an unusual amount of activity while you were out, so much so that I thought you were going to wake up at any minute. Unfortunately, you are the first Manticore born soldier to ever be in a coma so we don’t know if this is normal, open your mouth…good. It could have been a fluke, can you grip my hands…good. Move your toes…good. Do you remember anything from your time out?”

“I remember dreaming of what he was reading to me like I was there,” I state trying to remember as many details as I can. “I remember the ship explosion but couldn’t figure out how I got to their galaxy. And over two years had passed there.”

“Y/N…Y/N…PLEASE ANSWER ME!”

“Y/N WE’RE COMING TO YOU, JUST TELL US WHERE YOU ARE!”

“Y/N ANSWER US, PLEASE!” Whoever is yelling is practically sobbing now. Both voices sound familiar, but I can’t seem to place who they belong to.

“Hmm?” I ask.

“Oh, I was just saying you could borrow my book to see what happens,” Martinez shrugs as he tosses it to me.

“No,” Doc orders giving it back, “tomorrow you will be attending PT, brain function appears normal now, but I’d like more scans, but other than that I don’t want you tiring yourself with reading, it may take too much energy and focus to read something like that, plus PT, plus seeing the psychologist.”

“NO, I don’t need to see her,” I groan out as Martinez cackles like a hyena, literally falling out of his chair from laughing too hard. “My head is fine doc, I don’t need to talk about my feelings.”

“It’s more than that and you know it,” She responds causing me to scoff, “fine, do you remember how you invented the watch? You dreamt about it, and you did the same thing with many other inventions and solutions we needed. You say your brain was functioning while you were asleep, maybe you dreamt something up and it’s floating around in there. So, you will go to get your brain picked. Non-negotiable.” She says leaving.

“Oh man,” Martinez snorts at me, “I know how much you Manticore types hate the shrink, this is gonna suck for you, but be so fun for me.”

“You’re an ass. Where is my original team?”

“They left for an off-world mission yesterday, it’s supposed to last for about one year.” He replies standing, “I’ll see you later, welcome back.”

I lean my head back and pinch my nose, I have a headache beginning, but something’s bothering me and I can’t figure it out. Not long after, I pass out from sheer exhaustion.

_______________________________________________________________________

It took 2 months of PT to regain the muscle that I lost while in a coma. Every day I was sent for scans to monitor my brain and various other tests. It was decided to push the meeting with the shrink back until everything else was done, in case it was too much too soon. I finally start seeing her last week and I hate it. Now don’t get me wrong, mental health is very important, just this kind of stuff isn’t for me.

“Y/n…”

“So, I was told you recovered faster than expected, they think it was because of the genetic modifications you received as a Manticore born.” Dr. Mackenzie informs me, “I bet that made you happy.”

“Yeah,” I respond looking out the window.

“Y/n, you’ve been here a week and haven’t said anything more than one syllable answers to me. I have been asked to evaluate you for active duty placement.” This instantly gets my attention and I turn to look at her. “I will be doing it but first I need something from you.”

I sigh, “Like what?”

“Tell me about the dreams, as someone who studied the brain, it fascinates me.”

“I followed along with the books, I thought it was real, and a lot of time passed.”

“That’s all?”

I begin drumming my fingers on my leg, “I expanded on somethings, I think…it was when no one was reading to me like my brain needed something to occupy it, so it began to create different scenarios between readings.”

“What was it like?”

“It was real…even now…thinking about some of the things I felt…” Images of Ezra, Din, and I having sex, getting shot, cut, the pain and fear of watching Ezra be tortured, and Din realizing he’s been shot start to flood through my head. I readjust my position on the seat and just look at Dr. Mackenzie with a stony expression. “It all felt real; even now it feels real like I’m remembering real things.”

“That makes sense.” Giving her a questioning look, she continues. “Your brain created this world, in such a way, you couldn’t discern that it was fake. When you touch something, your brain processes it, when you feel something, your brain processes it, everything you do, your brain has to process it. So even if it was technically fake, your brain was pulling all of this data together to make create the most realistic environment it could for you. So, while everyone here can tell you it wasn’t real, to you, to your brain, it was, it may still be.”

“May still be real?”

“You may see or hear things from there occasionally; maybe something could trigger you into remembering a scenario from your time there. Eventually, it will fade away to nothing; you just have to keep telling yourself, ‘I don’t belong there anymore,’ and it should stop.”

“That’s something I kept asking myself, ‘where do I belong,’ almost every day.”

“That was probably your brain trying to sort itself. I want you to take a week if you can keep the hallucinations at bay, or at least get rid of them easily, or ignore them, and then I will sign off for you to return to active duty.”

“Thanks, doc.” Leaving her office to go to mine, something still nags at me.

“You can’t leave us…PLEASE.” Whoever that sounded desperate, but…I know that voice. I suddenly get the sensation of being dragged a short way, before being picked up, not long after I feel like I’m being set down and my hair is getting wet, however, when I run my hand through my hair, it’s dry. ‘What the fuck,’ I think.

“It should be working, I DON’T GET IT!”

“Y/N!”

“What?” I ask whipping around.

“I said ‘it’s good to see you walking around again.’ I just got back from 3 months off-world and was told you were awake,” Carlisle smiles smiling at me.

“Oh yeah, anything fun?” I inquire as we begin to walk to my lab.

“No, same old boring shit, negotiations, trades, treaties, that kind of stuff, so what have you been doing?”

“Trying to design things from my dreams and when I was in a coma.”

“Really? Anything interesting?”

“Some guns that don’t need ammo and radio and antenna that can transmit to another galaxy.”

“So, someone could potentially go to another galaxy and still communicate with us here?” I nod as we enter my lab and he begins looking at my designs strewn across my desk. “So if someone was somehow trapped in another galaxy, we’d know and be able to contact them. That would come in handy.”

“Yeah, that seems to be what I've been fixated on, although I don’t know why.”

“Because it’s important, think of how we could outfit our ships, we could potentially reach the other expeditions without using up all our vital power supplies. You should focus on this.”

“Yeah, but the weapons would be great-”

“You should focus on this!” The colonel tells me and I just stare at him, wasn’t Carlisle the one standing there.

“Colonel, wasn’t Carlisle just here?”

“He was needed…but I heard what you were saying, you should focus on the radio, we have some missions planned in the future and this would be extremely helpful for them.” He almost demands before walking out, guess I’m working on the radio.

___________________________________________________________________________

“We were told to just talk to you…so…here I am, talking…to you, I-I don’t know what to say besides we miss you. Please, y/n, please just wake up.” Whoever that is, isn’t just pleading, it sounds like they’re crying.

“Just open your eyes, for us, for me, please y/n wake up…wake up…wake up y/n…”

��Wake up, y/n.” Blinking my eyes open I see Dr. Mackenzie standing in front of me. “Did you sleep here all night?”

“Yeah, I've been trying to make this thing, and can't figure it out,” I respond trying to rub my eyes awake.

“But all night?”

“What else can I do, I've been grounded.” I give her a pointed glance while saying that.

“Well, I’m here to tell you that I’m letting you back on regular, active duty, and there’s a mission in 30 minutes, you may want to get ready.”

Immediately I jump up to get ready and head to the gate room. Once there the Colonel, Martinez, and Carlisle smile and welcome me back, behind them are three grunts and Captain Victor Jackson, someone I used to have a casual sex relationship with if you could even call it that. At Manticore, casual sex was a common thing, no emotions, no real relationships, and that’s how I like things. However, things at Stargate Command are a little different; they frown on relationships, but also the majority of the people weren't raised to cut emotions out of everything making working and sleeping with them difficult. Jackson is somewhat of an exception to those rules, he isn’t Manticore born, but he’s able to keep emotions to a minimum, for the most part.

“Alright,” the colonel begins, “when we get to KS7-535 we will be assembling equipment for the science team that will be arriving tomorrow. Y/l/n, Jackson, Carlisle, and Martinez, you will be walking the perimeter, when we are done, you three,” he points at the three grunts, “will spend the night making sure nothing happens to the equipment. Let’s go.”

We all walk through the Stargate and begin our assigned duties, I patrol to the east and Jackson is supposed to patrol to the south, but decides to walk with me for a bit.

“So,” he mutters looking at me, “haven't seen you around since you woke up.”

“Been busy,” I reply quickly.

“Too busy, to stop by for sex?”

“I guess so.”

“Y/n-”

“Aren’t you supposed to be patrolling?” I give him an angry look causing him to sigh and walk away shaking his head.

Walking for about twenty minutes I hear voices calling me, but this time, this time I see the person the voice comes from standing in front of me. He has tanned skin, black clothes, dark brown eyes and a blonde streak in his hair.

“Put your hands up and walk towards me slowly,” I order readying my gun in case they’re armed.

“Y/n…little shark…it’s boring without you…we’re worried, the doctor said you should have woken up by now, he doesn’t understand what’s wrong, can you please just ope-”

I turn around when a crack sounds from behind me, gun still readied. Slowly I approach the area only to see this planets version of a deer eating from the vegetation. Lowering my weapon I watch for a few minutes. As I spin, around and I'm greeted by the sight of another man, he looks similar to the first, but has no blond, is wearing armor, and when he speaks, his voice is a little deeper.

“Ezra and the doctor said talk to you, that you might be able to hear us…please don’t leave me, please don’t leave Ezra. Do you remember how worried we were when he was missing? It’s the same now, but when we got him back we knew he’d be fine, wi-with you, we don’t know anything…” he drops his voice down to a whisper, “please don’t leave us.”

I start hearing Dr. Mackenzie’s voice in my head, ‘don’t be scared of the visions or voices, just tell yourself they aren’t real and soon your brain will realize that and let them go.’

“I’m gonna get more supplies.”

“We have a copious amount of supplies packed into every available space of this ship, we do not need more.”

“I KNOW…I just…I need to be doing something…”

“I understand your dilemma but do not presume for one second, that you are not helping here by taking care of her. The doctor informed us, that those in her state could still hear what is occurring between us. So we talk, we try to engage her brain so that it may decide to let her come back.”

“Fine, but first I’m going to check the landing equipment, make sure everything is alright before we close up for the night.”

“That sounds fine.”

Besides these few appearances from whoever, these people are, I’m doing ok, this is the first time I’ve seen someone, and the voices have become less frequent. I’ve been on patrol for 3 hours and only had one sighting from the men. Currently, I’m bored out of my mind but everything is copacetic.

“Hey now,” a voice says, “put the gun down. We have not come here looking for a bounty, you have no reason to fear us or suspect otherwise.”

“You think I’ll fall for that?” That voice is new.

“I believe you are smart enough to realize that if we had been here for you, you would already be locked in carbonite, but, alas, here you are. So ju-”

*CRACK*

‘That was a gun firing,’ I think to myself, looking around just to be safe. I hear something heavy fall to the floor, sounds like metal, but something else. ‘No,’ I think listening to the sounds, ‘that was someone, not something.’ I can hear a choking noise and gurgling, ‘someone is choking on their blood.’ I’ve heard that enough times in my line of work, it’s grotesque, and I’m not sure what’s worse, seeing it, or listening to it.

“DIN, STAY WITH ME PLEASE!”

“Alright,” the colonel says across the coms, “let’s go.”

Turning to rejoin the team I realize I’m standing in the gate room, handing over my weapon. ‘What the fuck?’ I think while walking straight to my lab. This continues to happen, more frequently I find myself in random places far from where I started originally.

“Could blackouts be a symptom of being in a coma?” I ask Dr. Mackenzie.

“Why? Are you blacking out?” She questions with a worried look on her face.

“Only when I’m in my lab,” I lie, “I don’t know if I’m concentrating too much or if I’m blacking out, but I’ll be working and suddenly hours to a day has passed and I didn’t even realize it.”

“Your brain could be focused, trying to make up for the lost time. Try setting a timer for every twenty minutes to gain your attention, and we’ll go from there.” Nodding to her I begin to walk away, back to my lab.

Once I round the corner, I’m on a different planet in the middle of a god damned firefight.

“Shit.” I gasp, taking cover, but getting pinged in the shoulder before I go down. Begining to return fire at the enemy, I look up from reloading my magazine and I’m sitting in the infirmary.

“Just rest your shoulder for a week, you’ll be good. You’re lucky, it could have been much worse.” Doc says giving me a friendly smile.

“Thanks, Doc,” I reply walking through the door.

Once I cross the threshold, I’m standing on KS5-632, I hadn’t been to this planet in years. It’s a forest planet that can only be frequented during the day. The gate’s nowhere in sight, so I keep walking, passing a rather large tree and I’m suddenly back at my lab.

“What the fuck!” I growl throwing my hands in the air.

“What’s going on?” A voice asks from behind me, but not any voice, that voice belongs to May, a member of my original team.

Spinning around, sure enough, they’re all there, May, Stacey, Dylan, Nathan, Matt, Steven, and Rocco. ‘But, they were supposed to be gone for a year,’ I think, ‘it’s only been 6 months.’

“We need to talk,” I state as I walk to my living quarters, “follow me.”

____________________________________________________________________________

“How’re you doing?” May asks me leaning back in her chair.

“I’m good,” I respond smiling at everybody.

“Bullshit!” They all exclaim in unison.

“We’ve known you since birth.” Nathan begins, tossing a bag of chips to Steve.

“And we know when something is up.” His twin Dylan finishes while opening a drink.

“So,” Matt starts to say while tossing a drink to Steven, “either you tell us now, or you lie and we pester you until you break. Your choice.”

I just stare at them before sighing and telling them everything, from the coma to the hallucinations and time jumps, to seemingly blacking out occasionally, and finally how everything is neatly explained, no matter what it is.

“It’s just weird, it’s like…I feel like they are real, everything is telling me they aren’t but there's this little voice in the back of my head that says they are. And when I try to bring it up to someone, they explain it away or try to distract me from it. I feel like I’m going crazy.”

Stacey, who’s been silent this whole time, finally clears her throat. “Maybe, you don’t belong here.”

“What?” I ask giving her an exasperated sigh.

“What makes you so sure, this is real?”

“What?” I begin to sit straighter and everyone else is looking grim.

“We’ve always had your back no matter what, and you have always had ours. Why weren’t we here when you woke up?”

“You were on a mission.”

“When have any of us taken a mission when someone was seriously injured.”

“I…can't remember…”

“Never, the answer is never.”

“No, the other version doesn’t make sense either.”

“Why?”

“Because…”

“Because you can’t explain something and your scared you might love someone, or in this case two people?”

“That’s no-”

“There was an explosion, not on the ship, you were thrown back, and Din and Ezra ran to you looking extremely worried…”

“That’s…how did you know that?”

“Because this isn’t real, this isn’t where you belong. Your brain has created this, to try to protect you from your fears, but it’s killing you, and it’s killing them. We are the part of your brain that’s telling you the truth, that will help you, the part that wants to wake up, wants you to live, to love, to be happy. The rest of your brain, everyone else that’s here, they think they're protecting you, but in reality, it is killing you.” Suddenly, I hear people yelling and doors begin slamming. “You are afraid of your feelings, of losing Din and Ezra, you are afraid that you may not get to return to Earth, that you may not want to return to Earth, afraid that if you get to Earth, you will never see them again. You don’t know how to deal with fear because you weren’t allowed to feel it, so now that your injured your brain said ‘hey, let’s not go back to that, let’s stay here and be happy,’ but you won’t let it.”

I jump up at the increase of noise coming from behind the door and the yelling is getting louder.

“You know this y/n; it’s time to wake up, to go back to them.”

“Wait, wait, wait...if this is true, I should be able to control what happens like I could make certain things appear right?!”

“Like the duck hunt dog,” Matt cackles.

“The…duck…hunt…”Just then the stupid dog shows up on the TV screen laughing, “I hate that dog.” I just look at everyone and ask “How do I wake up?”

“You believe us?”

“If you are here, you’d never steer me wrong.”

“You run, don’t stop, just follow wherever you feel you need to go, we will block anyone that tries to stop you.”

Gods I hope I’m making the right decision. We open the door and begin walking down the hallway, listening to people getting closer, turning right then left, then right in the hallway we see a group of about 15 people.

“Get away from them, they’re infiltrators, not your real team, y/n.” Todd, the leader says.

“If they were infiltrators, you’d be armed,” I respond. As I’m watching them, weapons begin to appear in their hands.

“We are armed y/n, now stand aside.”

“You weren’t.”

“Yes, we were.”

‘Yes, they were’ my brain says to me. I look back at my friends and just by looking at them; I know they are telling me the truth. “Get out of my way Todd.”

“Can’t…open fire.”

Feeling the bullets enter my skin I’m suddenly lying on the ground of my room, gasping as I sit up then jump to my feet, everyone else is in the room with me.

 “You never said we could die,” I exclaim at them.

“Well, we never said you couldn’t.” Steve shrugs at me.

“Technically, it’s not dying,” May states slinging her arm around my shoulder. “It’s more like a checkpoint reset on a video game. All advances and progress will be erased.”

Sighing I square my shoulders, “Let’s go again.”

________________________________________________________________________

“62 times, 62 gods’ damn times, we’ve been fucking reset.” I yell before throwing myself on the ground, arms and legs splayed wide. “What happens if I decide to stay?”

“You die,” Matt says indifferently.

“And judging by the sound of it, Din may die as well,” Stacy says with her ear to the wall.

“What?” I jump up to listen next to her and I can hear Ezra screaming for help.

“Stay with me Din…Someone help…fuck, I don’t know how to fix this kind of wound…I-I don’t know how to fix a neck wound…the bacta isn’t working…SOMEONE HELP!”

‘The choking noise I heard,’ I think ‘gurgling and choking, oh gods, Din has a neck wound, he was choking on his blood. But that was weeks ago unless time here is moving faster.’

“This is my fucking brain right?!” Everyone just nods, “then we’re playing by my fucking rules.” Suddenly, the room is filled with weapons, some I’ve seen on earth, others I’ve dreamt of, and finally, Din’s pulse rifle. “Let’s kill these fuckers and get the fuck out of here.”

Rock opens the door and rushes the people standing in the way knocking them over, we all follow behind him shooting everyone we see. I fire a few shots of the pulse rifle watching as people explode into ash.

“You know, Din never let me use this,” I yell to the group, “he said I’d be too excited with it and just start disintegrating people left and right.”

“Oh yeah?” Rock responds tackling another grunt.

“Yeah,” I fire three shots at three people, “he was right, even in this make-believe shit, it’s so fucking fun. The only thing that would make it better was if…” before I could finish saying my thought, the Mario Brothers theme song began to play. Everyone stops what they’re doing to stare at me. “What? You want a different song?”

“How about the duck hunt theme?” Nathan asks as the fighting resumes.

“Duck hunt!” I exclaim as the music changes. I fire at Todd and miss, then that stupid dog appears. “I hate that fucking dog.”

We begin running the halls again once that one’s cleared out, Stacey runs up beside me and asks, “You ok.”

“I feel like I smoked something crazy and I’m hallucinating. This is just fucking insane.”

“Yeah well, your brain always was weird.” She pats my shoulder and pushes ahead.

I have no idea where we’re going but something keeps calling to me leading me down a corridor until we see a door with red light spilling out from it, and in front of the door were 50-armed soldiers.

“Grenade?” I ask everyone.

“Grenade.” They say in unison, nodding their heads. I pull out a belt covered with grenades and pull the pin on one, throwing it down the hall as we back up around the corner.

Once it blows, I look around the corner again to see twenty left standing, “Oh fuck off, more should have died than that.”

“They’re changing the rules,” Dylan says. “Let’s go.”

He jumps out from cover and begins firing his weapon, except the people he hit stand back up after each shot.

“Keep firing and pushing forward,” I yell.

We all begin to advance, one by one, the other side fell, and one by one, they get back up, but we keep pushing. Moving closer, my friends start to take fire, Rock falling first then Steven. Dylan was next, followed by his brother Nathan, all that’s left are May, Stacy, Matt, and myself. It becomes a bar brawl when we get close enough to the door that I can almost put my hand on it, but I’m pulled back, by Todd. ‘Even in my hallucinations this guy annoys the fuck out of me’ I think before stabbing him.

“Jump,” Stacey yells. It’s hard, I know they’re not real, but watching them fight, knowing I have to leave them, it’s hard. “Go now.”

I give one last look at them before jumping through the door.

_______________________________________________________________________

It’s dark, cool, quiet…why is it quiet. I slowly begin to hear a ringing in my ears as sound returns, as opening my eyes I see harsh lights above me, I’m in the cargo hold of the Razor Crest. Pain, not intense, but a lot of it. Something happened, but what.

“We need help...” I hear someone say breathlessly, “we need help.”

Looking to my side I see nothing but the wall, slowly I sit up and at the foot of the ramp is Ezra, holding onto Din, medkits strewn everywhere. Then I remember, choking and gurgling, neck wound, Din is in trouble. I jump up and run to Ezra, and by run I mean stumble and almost fall on my face.

“I gave him a bacta shot but I can’t get the bleeding to stop.” Ezra says looking at me frantically, “if I try to apply pressure he begins choking, I don’t know how to treat neck wounds. The med center is miles away.”

“Ok, deep breath, Din are you still with us,” I ask slowly looking Din in the eyes; he returns a weak nod that could have been easily missed. “Good…besides blood his airway is clear, Ezra, there is a blue medkit under the bench, grab it.” He bolts up and runs off, coming back seconds later. “It didn’t hit an artery, but he’s still bleeding too much, look for a bandage that says stop bleed.” Digging through the box until he finds it, he tears it open.

Taking the bandage I press it onto Din’s neck hard, he makes a choking noise and Ezra flinches, “it’s ok, I’m not cutting off airflow, just making it uncomfortable.” Ezra just nods to me. After about two minutes, the bleeding finally stops. “Give him another bacta shot,” I tell Ezra. He nods again and injects Din as I spray bacta on his neck, then wrap a bacta bandage around him. At this point, I’m feeling dizzy, like I’m going to pass out, but I can’t not yet. “Help me get him to the bed.”

Ezra helps me drag Din to the bed, when we lay him down he grabs my hand and stares at me. “Ezra,” I say, “Get a bucket, Din may throw because of the blood he swallowed. Then get help, remember to put Din’s…helmet…on…him.” As soon as I finish I pass out hearing Ezra yell to me, but I don’t hit the ground, he caught me, and I can feel him hugging me tightly.

“Don’t go,” I hear Ezra whisper, I think it was a whisper, “you just returned, please don’t go.”

_____________________________________________________________________________

It’s dark, that’s all I remember, cool, not cold, I’m on my back with a killer headache. ‘I hate lying on my back’ I think. Moving, I realize something is gripping my hand, no gripping both hands. It’s a struggle, but I finally manage to open my eyes, I’m greeted by the dim overhead lights of the Razor Crest, one look to my right shows Ezra asleep gripping my hand, and a look to the right I see Din, sleeping with his neck bandaged. ‘I’m back,’ I think.

When I roll my head back over to look at Ezra, he’s already staring at me with a dumbstruck look on his face, it’s then I notice the dark circles under his eyes. Before I can open my mouth to speak, he lunges at me, crashing his lips against mine and practically flinging his body on top of me. Holding me tight to him and kisses me fiercely, it’s not until I felt Din squeeze my fingers that I manage to push Ezra away slightly, but he still keeps his forehead resting on mine. When he finally pulls away fully, I smile then turned to Din, who has a death grip on my hand.

“Morning,” I croak, causing Ezra to jump up and grab me water. I manage to sit up before he returns, which causes him to slide in behind me and has me lean back against him.

Once I drink the water, I turn so I can see both of them, “Are you guys ok?”

It’s hard to render Ezra speechless, but I did, watching his mouth open and close like a fish, while Din sits up and leans against the wall of the ship.

“We’re fine,” Din says, voice slightly rough.

“Are you sure? Because your throat is all bandaged and Ezra looks like death warmed over.”

“My throat has healed, it’s just bruised now.” As soon as Din finishes his response, Ezra finds his voice.

“Are we alright,” he practically shrieks, I never realized his voice could go that high, “you were the one unconscious for a week, then you wake up help save Din’s life, and you pass out. But, you didn’t just pass out, you stopped breathing, had you not taught me CPR, you would have met your demise. And…and…you just wake up…like nothing happened…when…” he can barely choke out the last words when I kiss him. “We were pleading for you to wake up, to remain in the universe with us, every day, multiple times a day,” he whispers to me, holding me tighter to his chest.

“I know,” I respond closing my eyes and reveling in the feeling, “I heard you.”

“What do you need?” Din asks me.

“A shower wouldn’t hurt,” I reply standing up slowly, with Ezra moving in front of me to hold me up, “then all three of us going up to bed.”

Din just nods and Ezra leads me to the shower, it may not be as bad as the damage in my dreams, but my legs do not want to work properly right now. Removing my clothes, Ezra steps forward to help and after I’m naked, he slowly begins to strip his and helps me into the shower, just like I did for him. The water spray feels divine; letting it cascade all over my body for a time reaching for the shampoo, but Ezra beats me to it. He pours it into his hands then applies it to my hair with gentle massaging movements, this is slow, intimate, and gentle, it’s as if Ezra is trying to pour every emotion he has into the touches he’s giving me now. Once my hair is clean and conditioned, he begins scrubbing my body, going slow feeling every inch of me as he applies the soap, as sexual as this could be, it just feels comforting now. He’s not trying to make me aroused, he’s trying to make sure I’m here, he’s not dreaming, and that I’m alive.

Once I’m clean and comfortable, we begin drying off, seeing two sets of clean clothes left outside the shower by Din. Heading upstairs to bed and I see him lying with his back against the wall, waiting for us.

“Ezra should be in the middle,” I state, climbing towards the other side of the bed.

“No,” Ezra responds, moving me to the middle, “you're the one we longed for so you are in the middle.”

“You haven’t slept; I wanna make sure you do.”

“Then sleep in the middle, little shark, I will sleep considerably better knowing you are here and alive.”

“No, Din and I were both hurt, if you don’t, you will be up constantly to check on him.” Ezra stared at me, he knows I’m telling the truth, but he also knows that Din wanted me near him as well. Din looks me in the eye and nods, grabbing Ezra’s arm to pull him to the middle, I follow lying as close to Ezra as possible and reaching my hand out to hold onto Din’s hand. As we fell asleep together, all I could feel was happiness, this felt right.

____________________________________________________________________________

Getting a clean bill of health Din and I are ready to go, his throat is still bruised, so he would have to rest it, but that’s relatively easy for someone like him. We spend two days just resting in bed, only getting out to take care of ourselves and eat. Ezra’s excited at the fact that we can resume normal activities; so much, so that he decides to give Din a blowjob before eating me out and fucking me. I just lay there and watch as Ezra pulls Din's clothes off, then licks his hand and pumps Din's cock for him. Once Din is fully hard, Ezra licks up his cock, swirling his tongue around Din’s tip and frenulum, then he engulfs Din’s cock as far as he can. Ezra begins bobbing his head up and down Din’s cock, moving his hand over what he can’t reach and moves his other hand down to massage Din’s balls. Din’s panting and I can see his stomach muscles beginning to clench, he’s about to cum. When Ezra realizes this, he just begins moving faster and faster until Din comes in his mouth. Pulling off Ezra leans over to me, letting me take some of the cum in my mouth and we both swallow it, listening to Din groan.

Ezra then shifts so he’s between my legs, and begins kissing me. He pulls my shirt and bra off before slowly making his way down my body, stopping every few inches to suck a mark into my skin. Once he reaches the hem of my panties, he places his hands on my legs and spreads them, leaning down to kiss my vulva through them. Turning his head and gently nipping my inner thighs kissing them down to my knees, he’s sucking bite marks along the way on my left leg, so Din can see them. Slowly kissing back up where he places another kiss right above my clit. Kissing his way to the hem of my panties he hooks his fingers in them, pulling them down and finally throwing them into the corner of the room.

He begins softly kissing everywhere around my clit and vulva without actually touching them, driving me insane. It feels like an eternity before he flattens his tongue and licks a straight line up my slit, giving a few more licks before dipping his tongue into my vagina and pulling it out, placing his lips over my clit. He gently sucks my clit and releases it and sucks it in again. Increasing the strength of sucking he slowly releases it before continuing this motion until he held my clit in his mouth and ran his tongue over it. Instantly, my hands fly to his head as he begins to put pressure on it, rolling it in a circular motion, while still sucking it into his mouth. He speeds up then slows down, placing harder pressure on me before barely touching it with his tongue. My body feels like it was on fire, finally, Ezra pushes two fingers inside of me making my back arch off the bed. Curling his fingers, instantly finding my g-spot, it becomes too much and my whole body arches off the bed as I come in his mouth. My thighs squeezing around his head as I pull his hair and throw my head back, I would have screamed, but couldn’t breathe. Finally, I’m able to let out a long loud moan before collapsing onto the bed, panting hard. However, Ezra doesn’t stop, he just keeps licking, sucking, and pumping his fingers until I’m shaking from a second orgasm. As I come down from that one, I can still feel him licking me, but instead of trying to make me come again, he’s licking me clean, all I can do was moan.

Once Ezra pulls away, he leans up to kiss Din, before moving off the bed to walk out.

“Where do you think you’re going?” I ask him, still panting.

“I was going to take care of this,” Ezra answers, gesturing to his throbbing cock.

“Come here.” I hold my hand out to him.

He just shakes his head before answering, “No, you’re still recovering.”

Rolling my eyes I say, “then you’ll be in control, just get over here and fuck me.”

“Are you sure?” Nodding I roll over onto my stomach, closer to Din.

Moving onto my hands and knees I look over my shoulder to Ezra, who’s staring at me with heavy lust in his eyes. It doesn’t take him long to position himself behind me and thrust inside, hard. Staying still, not moving as he leans over me he begins kissing and sucking on my back. As Ezra stays there, I place my hand on Din’s side and motion for him to move under me. He quickly sits up against the wall and positions his dick under my mouth. I begin kissing my way up and down Din’s cock when Ezra sits up straighter and begins to thrust in and out of me.

Ezra moves fast and hard into me, gripping my waist with one hand and my shoulder with the other. I can hear him panting and grunting behind me as he’s hammering into me, slowly I begin to roll my hips as he continues thrusting, causing him to groan and stutter his hips, before continuing.

I turn back to Din, and lick his cock from the base to tip, gently running my tongue along his frenulum, then across his tip. I slowly engulf his mouth as I reach down and massage his balls as I begin bobbing my head on his cock. Ezra moves his hand from my shoulder to gently wrap it around my throat.

“Deep throat his cock,” he grunts to me, “I want to feel it in your throat.”

Looking up as Din, who was panting, I can tell he’s close. I bob my head a few more times before deep throating him, letting my throat spasm, I begin to hum around him. Both Din and Ezra moan, as I pull off Din’s cock, swirling my tongue around him and then begin bobbing again, I’m able to move three times before he comes in my mouth with a loud groan. Once I pull him out of my mouth and swallow his cum, he slides down the wall to lay under me.

Ezra repositions me so my face is pressed against Din’s stomach, then he pulls my legs up to wrap around his waist, so all my weight is resting on my forearms, bouncing me on him, pushing in me harder and deeper than before. It’s not long before he’s coming inside of me, collapsing on top of me and Din, just holding himself there. Slowly, he rolls onto his side, on the bed, pulling me with him ensuring that he’s still buried inside of me. Din rolls over and runs his hand down my face, kissing me, before pressing himself as tight to me as he can.

When I try to shift, Ezra holds on to me saying, “No, I want you to stay like this tonight, with me buried inside of you, all night.” At his words, my walls flutter around him, causing both of us to groan, but I hold him in me.

When we wake the next morning, the first sensation I can feel is being full of something warm and hard. When I tighten my walls and roll my hips, I realize it’s Ezra as he moans and grabs my hips. That morning, Ezra, Din, and I have another long sex session, before setting off to a new planet, for a new bounty.

While Din and Ezra sleep, I sneak out of bed and walk to the cargo hold of the ship. Since I woke up, I can’t get the plans for the radio out of my head. This could be my way back to Earth, if I can figure it out.

Previous Chapter

Next Chapter

[missbasicxxx]

Peter Parker stumbling on tumblr headcanon

Peter has been roaming New York City as the friendly neighbourhood Spider-man for about a year now

And recently he started to expand his monitoring to platforms other than the local news and Youtube

Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook has been quite fun

A lot of nice selfies

He was happy to see people write so many good comments about him

He also saw some hate comments but well half the school probably thinks that his first name is Penis so yeah he was kinda used to it

I mean, at least nobody was calling him Slutty Spider-man

He shook his head

That was an image that he definitely didn’t want stuck in his head

Anyway

Back to the point

As his search continued, he got to this website called Tumblr

He never heard of it before

Don’t blame him. He’s only 15 and he’s never fanboy-ed anyone except for maybe Mr. Stark in his entire life.

As he quickly created an account and scrolled through #Spiderman, he saw that the top results were mostly memes

But then he saw more and more post about him and...somebody called y/n?

As he read through about him and this y/n person, the more and more mesmerised he became

People were assuming that him and y/n were dating and describing how their relationship would be like

And the funny thing was that the things they were saying, some of them were what Peter also had (sometimes) dreamt of doing when or more likely, if, he had someone special in his life

Flying with her through buildings, tightly embracing her in his arms

Going out on secret late night dates, feet hanging across the rooftop

Checking in on her after patrolling to assure her that he’s safe

But no matter how much he read, he still couldn’t figure out one thing

Who’s y/n?

Well, whoever that is, they must be in a serious relationship with him

A relationship that he didn’t even know of

but would probably enjoy

a lot

like, for real

he would really, really like that

He decides to sleep on it

The next day at school, he suddenly remembers it and turns to his trusty companion

Ned

Hey, dude, I’ve been doing some research on Spider-man yesterday and I saw something that was really weird.

Really? Weird like how? Oh my god did you find out that you’re gonna have baby spiders?

No, not like that! It’s just...do you know this guy y/n?

What?

I think it stands for initials or something. Apparently people thinks that I’m in a relationship with her. 

Oh do you mean y/n? Like, as in, “your name”? For you know, fan fiction?

Woah, how did you know that? 

You wouldn’t guess the things I saw on the internet searching for that limited edition Luke figurine.

So, what does it mean?

It’s a term that people use when they’re imagining themselves and their idol being in a relationship together. So when you see the word y/n, you’re supposed to read it by putting your name into that spot.

But, why?

Well, cause they want to go out with you I guess.

Wow...really?

After that conversation, Peter was awestruck for the rest of the day

Wow...They want to go out with me...

With...me...

What are you dreaming about this time, Penis Parker?

It went on for about two periods (plus lunch) before it was broken by Flash

Who would want to go out with you?

I’d rather go out with a flat tire than with your dumbass.

Peter silently looked down, avoiding his mean comments

He was probably right

No one wanted to go out with a boring, little, stammering, timid Peter Parker

For gods sakes, the last time he asked out a girl, he was in seventh grade

SEVENTH GRADE

And she said no

The thought of it made Peter’s stomach turn into a knot

What’s wrong, Peter? Did your girlfriend say she couldn’t make it home for Christmas? Where did she live again? Oh, right. Imagination.

Peter gritted his teeth

Flash may be right about Peter, but plenty of people seemed to find Spider-man attractive

And that thought made him feel all bubbly again

People thought he was attractive

Now that was something he wasn’t used to

When he got home, he searched a bit more of Spiderman imagines

That’s what they were called, by the way.

Imagines

He liked the sound of it

He liked the fact that people liked him for reasons other than his acts of justice

And he felt good about himself

-

Meanwhile...

Flash glanced at his phone as a notification appeared on the lock screen

pstandsforphosphorus liked your post : “Spiderman imagine-saved by the siren”

[dontshootmespence]

Yesterday I Was Clever,  Today I Am Wise

Summary: Bogged down by the memories of people hurt and cases unsolved, Spencer turns to dilaudid for a second time, leaving his wife distraught and with no other options than to offer an ultimatum - kick the drugs or lose her. Will he continue his downward spiral and lose it all?

Words: 2,199

Warnings: Drug addiction and withdrawals, marriage problems, suicidal ideations. 

A/N: My next entry for @cmbingo! This fulfills my reassignment square. This is a follow-up to How Did We End Up Here? It was one of my very first pieces and I never intended to do a sequel to it, but once @alisoncdariel went all hyper in my inbox and asked if I’d do a sequel, I checked my Bingo card and I thought this could really work! I hope you enjoy! <3

For weeks after Y/N walked out of the BAU, Spencer floated around the BAU, inhabiting it like a ghost - papers moved, the clacking of keyboard keys could be heard, reports were submitted and cases continued to get solved - but he wasn’t present, not really. 

Everyone knew. If it had gone under the radar at all the first time around, it hadn’t now. 

“Reid, can I see you in my office?” Hotch called, his head poking out from his office.

Spencer glanced up and nodded silently, placing his pen back into the cup that held it before going to see what his boss needed. When he walked in the room, he saw the entire team, minus Rossi, standing there and turned to walk out, but Morgan slammed the door before he could leave, glaring at him to shut up and listen. “We know, kid. We all know.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t bullshit me,” Morgan snapped. His heart broke for his little brother, but it had to be done. “You’re not the only smart one here.”

Reluctantly, Spencer sat in the chair in front of Hotch’s desk and listened as they all cried. “You need help, Spence,” JJ said, sniffling. “You can’t keep going like this.”

“I’m fine. I can still do my job. I function.”

Hotch glared so hard Spencer could practically feel the holes being bored into his skull. “Barely. This isn’t an intervention, Reid. It’s an ultimatum.”

That caught his attention. “What are you talking about?”

“Either get help and get off the drugs or lose your job. We will be for you every step of the way if you need us and want our help, but I cannot let this go on.  I failed you once before. Not again.”

Vibrating with anger, Spencer stood up and felt the pull again, wanting nothing more than to bolt toward the door, drive home and shoot up until he couldn’t feel anymore. “So my wife leaves me, I have nothing and you threaten to take away the one thing that helps me live? Breathe? Forget all the bullshit we see? Fuck you all.”

He turned to leave and was stopped in his tracks when Hotch told him where Rossi was. “He’s in your apartment right now searching every nook and cranny of your apartment with other members of the Bureau that have been sworn to secrecy as a favor to me. There will be nothing there when you get back and whether you want our help or not one of us will be keeping you under surveillance at all times over the next couple of weeks.”

Spencer didn’t reply. He barely moved a muscle before looking toward Morgan, who still stood in front of the door. “Move.”

Grabbing his messenger bag on the way out of the office, Spencer sped into the elevator without another word. Maybe if he was lucky withdrawal symptoms would take him in the middle of the night.

                                                             ------

Walking out on Spencer had been the hardest thing you’d ever done, but something needed to change and he needed to be the one to change it; you couldn’t do it for him.

Some days you could go to and from work like any other day, acting as though you weren’t missing the love of your life with every fiber of your being, but other days the pain became unbearable. You should’ve come home and gotten a head start on the next day’s work, but instead you cried yourself to sleep, waking up hours later to the vibrating of your cellphone underneath your pillow.

“Hello?” You asked, voice croaking. 

You hadn’t even opened your eyes to see who was calling and then you heard his voice - raw and wounded. “Y/N? Please, I-”

“Spence, I can’t,” you replied, heart sinking into your chest like a black hole. “Things can’t go on like this. I have to go, I-”

“Please!?” He begged into the phone. “I’m not asking you to come back to me. Not yet anyway. I’m-” His voice cut off and you heard him stifle a grunt of pain. “The team raided my apartment. They took everything I had and it’s been 26 hours. The pain is-” Each word he spoke wavered more and more, pain overtaking his body until you heard him collapse to the floor of the home you’d once shared. “I just need to see you...until the pain subsides. Please...I know what I’ve put you through and that I don’t deserve this, but I need you.”

“I won’t bring you drugs.”

“I’m not asking you too. Just, please.” Maybe this was the kick in the ass he’d needed. But you weren’t going to get too hopeful just yet.

“I’ll be right there.”

Morgan had been sitting in his car watching Spencer’s apartment to make sure he didn’t try and go out to buy any replacement drugs. With a silent thank you, you rushed up the stairs and opened the door to see your apartment destroyed. Somehow, his drugs had gone missing. Once this was over you’d ask him what happened, but he’d come home to look for his secret stashes and found nothing. 

You found him in the bathtub fully clothed under ice cold water. “Spence...”

Crouching down, you pressed a hand to the side of his face and he opened his eyes. “Y/N...thank you.”

There wasn't much you could do for him. Apparently, he’d been using again for a while at an even higher dose than he’d used before. The drugs had to work their way out of his system. 

You called into work and took off claiming a family emergency. For the next six days, you cleaned his sweat-soaked laundry, prepared cold compresses, cooked whatever food he could eat and held him as the shakes took over. 

When he could speak without searing pain, he attempted to apologize, to beg you to come back, but it wasn’t that easy. He’d kicked the drugs for the second time and that was a start, but they weren’t the main problem. “It’s what lead you to take the drugs, Spence. Our lack of communication. The pain you see firsthand every day. Your inability to let me be my own person and make my own choices to bear those burdens with you. I’m not saying our marriage isn’t able to be saved. I still love you to the moon and back, but our relationship needs more than just a bandaid.”

Solemnly, he nodded, fresh tears falling from his lashes like stars in the sky. “I understand. But-but we can still try, right? As long as I’m willing to put in the work?”

“Absolutely. I’m willing if you are.”

                                                            ------

In the ensuing weeks, Spencer had to earn back Y/N’s trust little by little. As much as he hated to admit that the drugs had wormed their way back into his life for a second time, they had, and they weren’t responsible for his downward spiral - at least not wholly. 

Day after day, he went to NA meetings, vowing to go to at least one a week for the rest of his life no matter how clean he felt. It was a promise to no one but himself. With each passing day, he got stronger and stronger, feeling mentally and physically better than he had in years. 

“How are you feeling today?” Y/N asked, pressing a kiss to his lips as he walked in the door. They still weren’t living together again yet. They’d been apart for three months, but they talked or visited at least once a day and things finally felt like they were on the upswing again. “Better and better. Therapy is helping too.”

“I knew it would,” she whispered, blissfully resting her head against his chest. “We can start going as a couple too if that helps.”

Hesitating, Spencer kissed the top of her head. “Possibly yeah. I actually wanted to discuss what we’ve been talking about for the past few weeks.”

“Okay...” she said with a hint of uncertainty. “You sure?”

“Yes. Um, I told him that I didn’t want to burden you with what I see every day because it’s so personal and up close, and he understood that. With what we see every day, to pass that onto someone else almost feels negligent-”

“Spence, you have to-”

“Let me finish,” he pleaded. “I realize that I need to talk about these things with you and going forward, when things come back to me and I feel like I can’t handle them I’ll do that, but that doesn’t mean I need continue doing what I do.”

Eyes widening, Y/N leaned back against the kitchen counter. “You want to quit the BAU?”

“I don’t want to. I love making a different and I love the people I work with, but I can’t do it anymore and I think it’s okay for me to admit that. I was actually talking with him about reassignment within the Bureau - something that still made me feel like I’m helping people without being so ‘on the front lines’ so to speak. Maybe counterintelligence or counter terrorism, utilizing my profiling to go over reports and decipher where and when and how attacks might take place. It would be less fieldwork, which means I’d be further removed from the horror of it all, you know? Plus I’d be home more. We could start the family we always wanted and if I really wanted to I could consult for the BAU on occasion.”

It all made sense and she loved the idea of him being home. Before his downward spiral, they’d dreamt of starting a family, but she had to make sure. “You’ve been doing this for so long. It’s been a part of who you are. If you stop, do you think you could come to resent me? Like I made you choose between me and the BAU?”

“You didn’t. You aren’t. I love what I do, but I love you more. And my time at the BAU would still be an integral part of who I am. I’d just be allowing myself to grow, while taking care of myself and ensuring that I never leave you with the images running around in my head.”

With a subtle smile, Y/N tilted her head up and kissed Spencer’s chin. He sounded confident. He sounded like he knew what he wanted and how to get there. He was so much more comfortable in his own skin now. “If you think this is what’s best for you and our relationship, then I’m with you. I still think we should go to some couple’s therapy though. While you adjust to whatever new position you have?”

“That makes sense. I just know I need a change. Not because I don’t like what I do but because I need to take care of myself and it’s too much for me now. It reminds me of a quote for the 13th-century Persian poet, Rumi.”

Y/N giggled softly into his chest. In his downward spiral, he’d lost his love of info-dumping, which was one of the things she’d always loved about him. “What is it?”

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”

                                                           ------

Shortly after they spoke about reassignment, Spencer went over his options with Hotch and the rest of the team, who were all totally on board with his decision so long as they got together once a week for dinner. “And you text me at least three times a week, Boy Wonder,” Penelope had added.

Counterterrorism was more than happy to take him on; his reputation preceded him. Analyzing reports had him doing a lot of what he had been doing with the BAU, just more removed from the field than his former work. There was a slightly different kind of pressure on him - the lives of thousands or millions on his mind rather than one - but it didn’t affect him as much as working with individuals had. 

While he adjusted to his new position, he and Y/N attended therapy once a week to discuss old traumas he’d endured and how they could both handle it going forward.

Reassignment wasn’t an easy decision, but it was the right one.

“Hey, baby,” Y/N greeted as Spencer walked in the door just in time for dinner. With his new job, came a tighter schedule. He was home for dinner nearly every night. “How was work?”

“Still getting used to things, but my brain is still working and I’m still helping people, so I feel okay. I just have to get used to not working with my friends every day more than anything.”

“That’ll come with time,” she replied. “Maybe we can have them over for dinner next week as long as they don’t have a case?”

“I’d love that.” Spencer crossed the space between them and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close and taking a moment to appreciate the smell of her shampoo and the softness of her skin. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For not giving up on me, on us.”

[sebbybooks]

Beautiful Sinners (PT4)

Sebastian Stan x Fanfiction

"I don't care how complicated this gets

I still want you."

Ella's

P.O.V

I could close my eyes and still see the fiasco that took place less than six hours ago. Sleep would not come despite how badly I wanted to erase the thought of yesterday. I tossed and turned in my bed feeling my body grow more and more restless. Looking up with only the ceiling to stare at. My memories unfortunately projected onto it for only my eyes to see. To offer me a painful reminder that no matter hard I try I can't escape the people from my past. For nearly ten years my new life has been somewhat tolerable until that one phone call from my mother and it wasn’t even my number that she dialed.

Whatever my best friend Matt talked about on the phone with her managed to sour his mood even more. I could only guess what the topic of conversation was about, Sky Porter. She was a fire starter and I don't mean that just metaphorically. I didn’t even want to find out what my little sister had done this time. It was always going to be a next time and in truth I was still very much still angry over what she let me take the blame for. I've felt like a runaway ever since because of Skylar's lie. I hid in my room till Matt was sound asleep. I knew he was waiting up so we could talk about it. I wasn’t in the mood and frankly my head was elsewhere. Of all the things I had to worry about my mind only wanted to focus on one person. Sebastian should have been the furthest thing from my thoughts right now.

To which in my case was a blessing and a curse. From the time that I’ve known him he tried to help me forget about my not worthy ex boyfriend Nate. He helped my regain my confidence to even stay here. Sebastian undoubtedly made me feel things I’m even not suppose to feel. And now he’s making me sound like terribly written poetry. The tiny little seed was already planted, and I was trying really fucking hard to not let these feelings for him grow. I couldn’t let them because that would only make me like her. Mary Blackwood an I are polar opposites and that’s exactly how I want it to stay. Even saying her name in my head put a horrible taste in my mouth. Plus the immense amount of sugar I’ve been consuming would also do the trick. I was laying in a bed of chocolate wrappers and sweets that wasn't to be eaten for another two weeks. I was getting ready to put a reminder in my phone to replace Greta's stash when my phone buzzed loudly on my nightstand causing my heart to thump rapidly in my chest. I rolled over on my side following the only illuminated light in my pitch black room.Sebastian’s name flashed across my lock screen. Even in the dark I’m pretty sure someone could see the slow grin that appeared on my face.

3:13 a.m Sebastian: Did you know honey bees communicate through a series of dances?

3:13 a.m Sebastian: Wikipedia says it’s called the waggle dance

3:15 a.m Ella: how fascinating...

3:16 a.m Sebastian: It's a useless fact but hey you never know when someone will ask you that

3:17 a.m Ella: Exactly its always good to bee prepared

3:19 a.m Sebastian: I see what you did there

3:20 a.m Sebastian: Did I wake you?

3:22 a.m Ella: no. Why are you still up?

3:22 a.m Sebastian: couldn't sleep

3:26 a.m Ella: maybe something is in the air

3:31 a.m Sebastian: maybe

3:31 a.m Sebastian: Ella?

3:32 a.m Ella: yeah?

3:33 a.m Sebastian: seeing you again tonight. . . . I could've sworn you came from a dream.. I just thought you should know that

I turned my phone on its face clutching it tightly to my chest. What the hell was he doing? I read his message six times before I settled on it being a hint of causal flirting. Then I quickly realized I was being delusional, because the last time someone flirted with me a few years later he cheated on me. If it was then I on the other hand could not reciprocate. My ego however was doing somersaults over the simple fact that Sebastian liked the dress.

3:36 a.m Sebastian: it's ok you can admit I looked pretty sexy I won't hold it against you

3:36 a.m Ella: .....

3:37 a.m Sebastian: what the hell does that mean

3:38 a.m Ella: it means we can't say things like that to each other

3:38 a.m Sebastian: Friends can't compliment each other?

3:39 a.m Ella: is that all you were doing?

3:39 a.m Sebastian: ......

3:41 a.m Ella: You can’t say stuff like that to me Sebastian.

3:43 a.m Sebastian: don’t be mad at me Ella. You are the last person that I want mad at me right now

3:44 a.m Ella: I’m not mad....just don’t ruin the dynamic between us. It’s good and I like you!

3:45 a.m Sebastian: you like me??

3:45 a.m Ella: AS A FRIEND! I like you as a FRIEND!

3:46 a.m Ella: gosh You really know how to get under my skin

3:47 a.m Sebastian: Believe me it’s the other way around

3:48 a.m Ella: Are you saying I annoy you?

3:49 a.m Sebastian: the difference between you and I is that I want you underneath.

3:49 a.m Ella: Goodnight Sebastian!!!

3:50 a.m Sebastian: I kinda need your help with something first

3:50 a.m Ella: What is it?

3:51 a.m Sebastian: Your doorman is probably ten seconds away from calling the cops on me cause I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m drunk off my ass and scoping out the place

3:52 a.m Ella: Where the hell are you??

3:53 a.m Sebastian: I’m outside of your apartment

I jolted upward from my position in my bed. The feeling in my chest tightened as if I was startled by a ghost. He can not be here. What on earth was I suppose to do? I asked to no one. I turned my body so that my feet could touch the cold wooden floorboard contemplating my next move. In an alternate reality I would rush through that door to see if he was really out there. I would let myself feel the butterflies rushing around in my stomach, reminding me that it was okay to be excited and happy. What happened in my grandparents barn house ten years ago would've just been a bad nightmare that I dreamt and Nate would be a stranger I'd happily know nothing about. Sebastian could be someone that I was allowed to have. The further I thought about the what ifs the more I realized I was living in the present. My actual reality consisted solely of regret, but with Sebastian maybe it could be different?

This tortuous mind fuck was not at all fair to me. Sebastian if he knew it or not was putting me in a difficult situation. The second I left my room I'd be stooping to Mary and Nate's level. I was confused ,frustrated and seconds away from eating Greta's stash of Halloween candy for the trick or treaters. I let out a loud sigh that sounded like a groan more than anything. As I stood up searching for some shoes to put on, I tossed my phone onto my bed. I heard the notification chime again, thinking it was Sebastian needing me I left out of my room. When I closed the door to the apartment I told myself at this point what else was there that I could possibly lose?

Spoiler alert. Everything.

3:56 a.m Nate: Look I know you won’t see this until you’re getting ready for work, but do you think we can meet for coffee? I think we need to talk

Sebastian

P.O.V

I am desperate.

I felt so lost and yet there I was sitting on her doorsteps. I just couldn't seem to let the night end. I reached down for the bottled of liquor beside me on the step that I had swiped off of the counter as I was ushered out by Ella's roommate Matt. That creepy prick couldn't wipe that shit eating grin off of his face at the sight of me leaving. I needed to tell Ella about what I had saw earlier. Hell there was a list of things that I wanted Ella to know, but what would she think of me if she found out the shit I had been hiding. She would want nothing to do with me. I didn't want to even think about that because despite only knowing her for a short amount of time I just couldn't give her up yet. I wanted more time with Ella. Taking a heavy swig of the cheap tasting booze, I downed it like it was best damn wine I'd ever tasted it. I didn't think twice about taking it. I just wanted something to help me feel everything then nothing at all. Fuck. Even in my head I don't make sense.

I looked at my phone again to see if I had a new text from Ella. The way it was looking she clearly left me on read. I don't blame her for it I just told her I wanted her under me, then proceeded to tell her I'm outside her apartment. Lately I have turned into such a mess and I can't seem to get my life back on track. Especially when I'm not even the one calling the shots. Being blackmailed by Mary's father will do that to a guy.

"Sir for the last time you need to leave the premises or I will have to involve the authorities." Taking two steps at a time I walked closer to the glass entrance where a man dressed head to toe in a ugly gray and red uniform with a hat to match guarded the front of the building.

"Like I told you several times before my friend Ella lives here. She will be down any minute." I said, buying myself more time.The air was beginning to grow frostier and my breath was coming out in a thick fog.

"There is no one here by that name son. This is a private property so why don't you take your entitlement and intoxication back to East Village." Passing his judgement he doesn't look up from his phone, evidently grown tired of me already and ready to call the cops. I retreated from my stance finally accepting that Ella wasn’t going to show. Maybe it was better that way. I needed to leave her out of my drama anyway.

“Sebastian!” When I heard heard my name coming from her mouth my heart actually stopped beating for a second. I was already on the sidewalk when I turned back around to see Ella standing by the doorman in nothing but her pajamas and a frantic expression on her face. My eyes followed the curve of her face memorizing it just like I did the first time I stumbled into the backseat of her cab. Perfection was what I saw every time I looked at her. Ella's gorgeous curly dark brown nearly looked black underneath the bleak lighting. She looked more surprised than pissed off. I take it as good sign for now. Besides I was more distracted by what she wore to bed.

Ella's matching set of very short green silk pajama was doing something to me. It took all of my willpower and then some to not stare at the shape of the nipple ring underneath her top. It felt wrong to wish I was an article of clothing that got to touch her skin. It felt wrong wanting to know what her plump lips tasted like. It felt wrong chipping away the promise I made to help my friend. I needed a night off from being myself. An I hoped like hell I was saying this all in my head.

“Do you know this man miss?” He directed his question to Ella, but I sensed the distaste in his voice. His eyes flit between and Ella, then back to me. I open my mouth to say something, before I get the chance to Ella steps around him assessing me probably already spotting the bottle of wine dangling from my grasp. She stared into my eyes for the longest time and it felt like the two of us was sharing a private conversation despite there being no words exchanged. The warning signs going off in each of our heads were loud and forewarning. Thank God she wasn't listening.

Her voice sounding so unsure. "I'm afraid I do".

I took long strides bypassing the uptight doorman. With the rim of the bottle swinging between my fingers I lunge it into his arms. A dick move I know. Tonight I was so far gone I didn't know what I was doing. I think the best part was that I didn't even care. I could tell she was trying to control her breathing by the way her chest would rise and fall in a rhythmic pattern. If only she knew I was the one nervous around her or maybe a little drunk because my coordination was starting to falter. I almost stumbled backwards and missed a step.

Ella reached forward grabbing onto my shirt, all night this was the closest I got to her. Her body shuddered against mine. Titling my head up just enough Ella's mouth nearly grazes mine and I bask in the feeling of her touch. For a second we wade in this feeling of now or never. "We should get you inside." Ella says in a hush tone. A small white cloud came from her mouth as evidence the temperature was dropping.

"That sounds ideal." I take in a sharp breath revealing in the fact that Ella hasn't released her hold on me yet.

"Sam would you mind holding the door for us?" So the rude bastard has a name.

"Really?" Ella gave me a disapproving glare and I just laugh to myself for actually having said that out loud. Her grasp on me is firm and I'm conscience enough to not lean all of my weight onto her as she helps guide me into the building. I know I shouldn't go inside with her. I don't need to disrupt her life anymore that than my fucked up problems will probably do on its own.

"Watch your step." Ella's voice was so damn beautiful and calming. Two sisters whether they knew it or not had me torn between a sacrifice and my salvation. I just hope Skylar could forgive me for whatever happens next. {To be continued.}

[latina4rmbx]

To My Sweet, Sweet Boy

Today is my son’s 9th Birthday (AAAHHHHHHHH).  Of course, as any mother would, I’m feeling a big nostalgic.  He is my Baby and time is flying so fast.  Soon, he’s going to be a teenager and my heart can’t stand it.  This one is dedicated to him.

Hi Poppa.  Happy Birthday!  Baby, did I ever tell you that I dreamt you into life?  No?  I did.  My friends could tell you, I’d say, by the time I’m 30, I WILL have another baby.  I don’t know where the baby fever came from.  I don’t know how I knew I was going to have YOU specifically, but my heart told me.  YOU will be it.

Now mind you, I wanted a girl when I pregnant with you, but I never dreamt that I had a girl.  It was always your face.  Always your smell I remembered.  I don’t know how that happened, but I literally dreamed you into life.  I’ll just say it’s “Mommy Power.”

Mommy Power is a special power Mommies have.  We make boo boos feel better with just a kiss.  We make tears stop falling with a hug.  It’s the “special” ingredient we put in our food.  It’s all the same thing...LOVE.

My Mommy Power had me dreaming about you before I even knew your dad.  When I held you in my arms, it felt like I knew you already.  Not because you were inside my belly all that time, but because I had been dreaming of your face for years.

I didn’t even know you were going to be a reality.  My health hadn’t been great, but it definitely wasn’t bad.  But I would say it, I AM going to have another baby.  When I found out I was pregnant, women usually find out first (LOL) I was alone.  I was so happy to make this dream a reality.  To make YOU a reality, I cried.  

Fast forward to the day before you were born.  This would be yesterday, 9 years ago.  I had a routine Drs appointment, however I was high risk, due to the health issues I alluded to above.  I was going to have another ultrasound to see how things were flowing.  I was excited because I was going to see you.  The possibility of my labor being induced had been mentioned, but I didn't want to dwell on it because the thought of it scared me.

This brings me back to when I found out if you were a boy or a girl.  I can see your little stuff on the ultrasound clear as day.  It was funny because I look and I go, oh...OHHH.  I saw your little penis and your dad and I laughed.  He didn’t see it at first.  It’s fine, not everyone sees it at first.

So, I had my last ultrasound and I got to see you again.  Oh, you were beautiful to me.  Then the Ultrasound Tech said:  There’s not enough fluid surrounding your baby, they may have to induce.  You may have to confirm with your dad this part, but I believe I started crying.  I was so scared of being induced.  They didn’t let me go home, they kept me at the hospital.

So I check in, pay my co-payment and wait to be put into a room.  Luckily I was in a room by myself, meaning there were no other mothers in labor with me.  Your dad and your sister Awilda where there with me. They were my support.

A doctor comes in and explains what he is going to do with me.  First, they stick a little pill up my vagina called Pitocin.  This pill is supposed to soften my cervix (lol, google it) to start the laboring process.  Mind you, I’m sitting on a bed, strapped in like a mental patient listening to your heart beat and feeling you try to wiggle, but no labor, no labor pains.

After about a few hours the doctors check my cervix and nada is happening.  Then he says, I guess we’re going to have to give you the medication via IV.  WHAT!!!!!  The doctor says, don’t worry, we’ll start off slow and EASE you into labor.

Baby Boy, I know you will NEVER go into labor, but if you’re with someone that is having your baby and doctors say they’re going to EASE her into labor, be prepared.  This is when the action happens.

So, they give me the IV Pitocin and we wait.  Awilda and Adam are leaving and coming back because they’re hungry or tired and I’m just...waiting.  NOTHING IS HAPPENING!!!  

The doctor comes back in and is like, well we have to increase the medication.  WHAAATTTT!!!!!!  At this point, I don’t even want to have you.  I figured you were going to live inside my belly forever and I would be ok with that.  But noooooo, the doctor had to increase the pitocin.

Now, I have a pretty high tolerance for pain.  I can’t go into detail about hour 1 this happened and hour 2 this happened.  I do know that labor began and I felt every single part of it up until I finally got the epidural (OH. MY. GOD.)

So I had been in active labor for about mmmmmmmm, 12-ish hours but I was sticking it out.  It wasn't so bad and I was eventually going to MEET my little baby.  The nurse offered me an epidural and I refused.  WHAT A MISTAKE.

CAVEAT: GET THE EPIDURAL!  I mean, it’s your choice but you wouldn’t suffer with Wisdom Teeth pain or a migraine for over 24 hours, so why go through labor pains when you don’t have to, is all I’m saying.

The labor pains became so intense that I wished I had taken the nurse up on her offer when she initially asked.  It was too late now.  I made a bargain with myself.  If she asks again, I will say yes.  Now mind you, I am scared because I was being induced, happy because I was going to finally meet my baby, in pain due to this induced labor and pissed off because I was hungry, in pain and my two “supports” were asleep.

About 19-20 hours into ACTIVE labor (active labor is me IN PAIN) the nurse finally comes in and is like would you like an epidural.  Lets just say I could’ve kissed her lips.  The doctor had to stick me twice but after I was stuck I was GOOOOOOOOOD.  I barely felt anything and my baby was ok, so far.

Fast forward to RIGHT before I gave birth, this 25+ hours of labor.  A PA came in, read my scans and told me I was ready and asked me to push.  When I pushed, your heart beat slowed down.  She told me to stop pushing.  She looked at the scans again and said, ok, I’m going to ask you to push again.  I pushed and the same thing happened.  Then shit got real.

She tells me, it seems the baby’s umbilical cord is wrapped around his neck and every time you push, it’s decreasing his heart beat.  I got so scared, I thought I was going to have a C-Section (when the baby is cut out of you) She then looks me in the eyes and says:  I’m going to tell you to push and you’re going to push with all of your might.  We’re going to get the baby out.

She goes between my legs and says:  Ready mommy?  PUSH!

I know you don’t know what labor is yet, but the first part of the baby that comes out is the head.  So your head is sticking out of my vagina and the PA says to your dad:  Dad, I can’t ask you to cut the umbilical cord because your baby is in distress, I am going to do it, but come here and watch. (or something to that effect, because I AM TERRIFIED, plus I have a human head sticking out of my nether region, I’m not really paying attention to the specifics).

She cuts the umbilical cord and then she says:  Mommy, get ready to push again.  The shoulders are the hardest part of pushing a baby out of your body.  They’re broader than the rest of the body so more effort has to be put.  Mind you, these things are happening simultaneously so it’s quick.  I’m probably typing longer than it actually took for you to come out.

I push again, but I am TERRIFIED and tired and hungry and worried.  Maybe a second push and your shoulders come out and the rest of you come sliding out of my body.  I have an oxygen mask on, I look like a total mess and they are rubbing you fiercely.  At the time, I didn’t think of it, but they were bringing you back to life.  You were born blue.  Your umbilical cord was wrapped around your neck and as I pushed, I was choking the life out of you.

It didn’t take long for you to start crying and then for me to start crying.  I will honestly say, I didn’t realize it then, but have realized it every day after, that you almost didn’t live.  I almost didn’t get to have the baby I had been dreaming about for years.  Even today, especially today, I realize how blessed I am to have you and believe you have been put here for some truly amazing reason.

One more little story and I will end this post.  After I gave birth, I was in my room and some guests wanted to see you.  You were in the nursery with all of the other babies.  I say, let me go get him, or tell them to bring him.  I start walking toward the nursery and I hear a baby crying.  Now, I will say this is one of the Mommy Power things I was talking about, I knew it was you crying.  The sound of you crying made me cry.  I kept walking toward the nursery and I stop at the entrance and I say:  Baby Velasquez?  There were like 5 people in lab coats surrounding this crying baby and the nurse says:  This is him.  I already knew that because like I said “Mommy Power.”  We will bring him to you.  We are almost done checking him.

No one said anything to me in the room.  I’m guessing I looked horrible when I walked back.  I was just crying.  I also don’t remember correctly.  I remember saying:  They’re checking him, they’ll bring him to us when they’re done.  

Then they did:

XOXO

Thanks for reading.