#drawing this made me realize that i did not actually know what a broken set of bongos would look like

[eveningrainstorm]

too late to fix what's broken

[waitimcomingtoo]

Come Morning Light

Pairing: Peeta Mellark x Reader

Synopsis: you and Peeta spend a lazy day together, baking bread and drawing. takes place after first games before cf

After learning from Effie that you had a rare day off, you made your way over to Peeta’s house in the Victors Village. Things had been weird between you since returning from the games and you wanted a chance to spend some time with him to settle things. You knocked on his door and when you found it open, you made your way inside.

“Oh. Hey.” He smiled when you found him in his kitchen.

“Hey. Did I hear correctly that we actually have the day off?”

“We do. And Effie made it very clear we’re not getting another one anytime soon. So we better enjoy it.”

“How are you gonna spend it?” You asked as you leaned against his kitchen table.

“I’m just gonna bake some bread and watch the rain. All boring stuff.” Peeta said with a soft smile. Peeta thought you would leave after that, but you didn’t budge.

“Why? What were you gonna do?” He asked curiously.

“Bother you.” You shrugged with a coy smile. Peeta returned the smile when he realized you wanted to hang out but didn’t know how to ask.

“Impossible. You never bother me.” He declared.

“Never? Even after all the times I’ve woken you up screaming?”

“No. Because when I hear screaming, I know that means I get to hold you. So no, you’re never a bother.” Peeta said as if it were the most simple thing in the world. You looked down to hide the smile that he always managed to put on your face. He could never know how much you missed that reassurance that he would always be there for you when you had your nightmares.

“You know, Haymitch once told me I could live a thousand lives and never deserve you.” You told him.

“Oh, did he?” Peeta smirked and folded his arms.

“I think it may have been one of the rare times he was right about something.” You said playfully. Peeta felt ecstatic to hear you say this, but played it cool.

“Well. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.” He replied. You smiled at him before going over to where he had his baking supplies set up.

“So what kind of bread are we making today?” You asked as you picked up his apron. He playfully snatched it from you and tied it around it waist. You pretended to be offended for a second, but he was quick to provide you with a matching apron. You didn’t know why he had two if he lived alone, but you didn’t question it. You just held out hope that maybe it was for you.

“I’m making challah bread. You can just sit there and look pretty.” Peeta nodded towards his kitchen table as he tied your apron around your waist.

“Peeta, I won the Hunger Games with nothing but a bow and some berries. What makes you think I can’t make bread?” You raised an eyebrow at him.

“I know you can’t make bread.” He insisted. “And I know that because before you win the game, you fed me disgusting soup.”

“You said you liked my cave soup.” You gasped.

“I was trying to spare your feelings.” He said with a cheeky smile. You pretended to be offended again and threw some flour at his face.

“Wow, Peeta. Next time you get injured, don’t come to me for help.”

“Well I definitely won’t come to you for food.” He said out of the corner of his mouth. You gasped and tried to throw more flour at him but he caught your wrist and spun you around. You smiled at the gesture before playfully shoving him away.

“Please let me help. I’ll do better then the cave soup. I promise.”

“Fine. You can mix this.” Peeta said as he poured two cups of something into a mixing bowl and handed it to you. You smiled proudly and mixed the contents of the bowl with a wooden spatula.

“Is this important? Am I being helpful?” You asked as you mixed.

“No. That was just two cups of flour. You didn’t actually mix anything.” Peeta admitted. You looked up at him in surprise and he was armed and ready with a handful of flour. He tossed it at your face and laughed as you coughed.

“Peeta. Let me help.” You whined as you cleaned your face.

“Just leave the baking to the baker, all right? I don’t show up in the woods and try to hunt.” He teased as he folded some eggs into his dough.

You watched him expertly mix the dough until a light and fluffy consistency was left in the bowl. You couldn’t help but admire the way he worked, moving as if with muscle memory. To get a better look, you wrapped your arms around his waist and rested your chin on his shoulder. Peeta stiffened for a moment, then relaxed into you.

“There’s no cameras in here, you know. You don’t have to pretend.” He said quietly. You were surprised by this comment and pressed your cheek against his shoulder.

“I’m not pretending anything.” You told him. “I just wanted to hold you.”

“So you’re not acting? You really want to help me bake bread?” Peeta asked skeptically as he turned around in your arms. You toyed with the strings of his apron for a second before looking up into his eyes.

“I really do.” You answered honestly. “We never get to do anything normal together. I just wanted one day where we can just be us.”

Peeta stared into your eyes for a while as he tried to decide whether he should believe you or not. He so badly wanted to, but could never fully let his guard down around you after you revealed the way you acted in the first games was partially an act.

“Okay. Come here. We have to knead the bread.” Peeta said once he decided he was satisfied with your answer. He pulled you by the hand and placed you in front of him before wrapping both arms around you.

“Oh no.” You chuckled dryly, knowing exactly what he was doing.

“Oh yes. I’m a romantic. This is how we teach.” Peeta said as he put his hands over yours and began to knead the bread. You had seen this scene play out in old romantic movies that sometimes played on your TV and you knew Peeta must’ve seen them too. It was stupid, but it made you feel good inside.

“Do you teach everyone to knead bread like this?” You looked over your shoulder to question him.

“I don’t exactly go around teaching people how to make bread.” Peeta chuckled.

“Oh. I must be special then.” You smiled coyly and made eye contact with him over your shoulder. He was so close that you could feel his breath on the back of your neck and it sent tingles down your spine.

“Must be.” Peeta mumbled in your ear. You gulped and felt your face heat up, feeling grateful Peeta was behind you so he couldn’t see what he was doing to you. He continued to use his strong hands to make yours knead the bread.

“I hate the way this feels.” You said to break the silence.

“Then you’re gonna hate to hear that we have to do this for at least ten minutes.” Peeta laughed as you groaned.

“Peeta.” You whined but didn’t try to stop.

“You’re the one who wanted to stay and make bread. You could’ve run off into the forest to hunt with Gale, but you chose to spend your day off with me.” He reminded you.

“You’re right. I did.” You agreed with him as you squished the bread between your fingers.

“Where is Gale, anyway?” Peeta asked, and you could tell his intentions no matter how cool he tried to play it. He wanted to know if you were only with him today because Gale was busy.

“Probably at the Hob or something.” You shrugged. “I’m not really sure.”

“You don’t know where he is? Aren’t you guys always together?”

“Not always. I’m with you.” You said and looked over your shoulder at him. Peeta smiled timidly as he looked into your eyes.

“You’re with me?” He asked hopefully.

“Yeah. I’m with you.” You smiled at him before returned your attention to the bread.

“I can’t help but wonder for how long.” Peeta said softly. There was no self-pity in his voice, just an honest expression. You stared into the dough and felt guilty pile up in your stomach.

“I know it’s confusing. I know I’m confusing. I wish I had more answers to give you.” You said quietly without looking at him.

“It’s okay. I’m happy just doing this.” Peeta answered honestly.

“So am I.” You realized and leaned back into him.

You continued to knead the bread in comfortable silence as a gentle rain patter hit the windows. You couldn’t remember the last time you felt peace like this, peace only Peeta could give you.

“Is it done yet because it’s seriously grossing me out.” You said after a minute of the silence.

“It’s done.” Peeta chuckled. “You’re free.”

You slipped your hands out of his and quickly ran to the sink to rinse them.

“Ew, ew, ew.” You grimaced as you cleaned your hands. “That was grosser than when I had to clean out your leg wound.”

“Really? This is more disgusting than that?” Peeta laughed in surprise.

“Yes. I don’t know how you do it.” You stuck your tongue out as you dried your hands.

“I’m a baker. It’s my passion. I don’t know how you skin animals and don’t throw up.” Peeta remarked as he tossed the dough around a little and worked his hands into it. You shamelessly watched him do this for a second before snapping out of it.

“I’m a hunter. It’s my passion.” You humored him. Peeta looked at you fondly as he let out a laugh.

“You’re funny when you want to be.” He remarked as he put the loaf in the oven.

“Not you, though. You’re always funny. Even in the most life threatening situations, you’ve still made me laugh. And nobody can make me laugh.”

“I’ve noticed that. That nobody else can do it. Maybe that’s why I try so hard to be the one who can.” He admitted as he stared at you with that ever present fondness.

“Well it works.” You shrugged and held his gaze. You stared at each other for a moment before looking away in embarrassment.

“So how long does that bake for?” You asked him.

“30 minutes. Then we test it to see if it’s risen.”

“Hm. What should we do for the next 30 minutes?”

“Actually, there is something I’ve always wanted to do.” Peeta said with a timid smile.

“Uh oh. What’s that?” You asked coyly.

“Draw you. If that’s okay.”

“Haven’t you drawn me before?” You asked, knowing you’d caught glimpses of his sketches every now and then.

“Yes. But they’re all side profiles because I draw you when you aren’t looking. I want one of you facing front.”

“Okay.” You agreed as your face heated up from the request. Peeta grinned and went to grab his sketchbook as you sat on his couch. You felt the almost untouched furniture and felt sad that he lived in this great big house all by himself. When he came back, he positioned himself across from you and looked up eagerly.

“How should I pose?” You asked and raised your arms in a dramatic way you’d seen people in The Capital pose.

“Just relax. Sit how you would normally sit.” Peeta chuckled and began to sketch out your face.

“Well I don’t remember how to do that anymore.” You realized as you awkwardly shifted in your seat.

“Then just pick a way to sit and stay like that.” Peeta laughed again. You obliged and relaxed into his couch as you stared at him. He sketched the outline of your head while you studied his face closely. The sun was beginning to dim below the horizon, making Peeta’s foyer his favorite color, a soft orange. The way the light hit him made his blonde hair and eyelashes appear golden.

“Your eyelashes are so blond.” You commented without thinking.

“What?” Peeta looked up as his entire face turned red.

“I’ve never noticed that before. They’re so blond and shiny. They look almost golden from here. Like Effie’s hair.”

“This place gets really good lighting. It’s a shame I’m the only one who knows that.” Peeta said with a sad smile.

“Now you’re one of two who knows.” You replied, making his smile go from sad to lovelorn.

“That’s true.” He said softly. You exchanged a smile before he went back to drawing you. You felt like you were spying on him from his closely you were watching him but you never got to see him this peaceful. You studied the way his hands moved around his sketchbook and admired how they somehow knew exactly where to go.

“What are you staring at?” Peeta asked, catching you in the act. You gulped and knew you were caught, so you just came clean.

“Your hands.” You admitted and didn’t meet his eyes.

“Why?” He asked, face still in a rose blush.

“I can’t talk. I’m posing.” You said in an attempt to change the subject with a joke.

“You’re all done posing, actually. Come take a look.” Peeta said. You got up from your couch and leaned over him to look at what he had drawn. On his sketch pad was a perfect little charcoal drawing of you. You hadn’t posed for him yet he managed to perfectly capture your most neutral expression. You knew he most likely drew it from memory since you were definitely no help while posing.

“Peeta. That’s beautiful.” You gasped and looked into his eyes. Peeta looked up at you as you leaned over him and blinked slowly.

“Yeah. You are.” He spoke softly. You looked into Peeta’s eyes before letting your gaze drop down to his lips. Before you could psych yourself out, you leaned down to kiss him. Your lips had merely brushed his when the timer went off, making you jump at the sound.

“The bread is-“

Peeta cut your sentence off by tilting his chin the rest of the way up to kiss you. He sat up on his knees and slipped a hand behind your head to properly kiss you as the timer continued to go off in the background. When he pulled away, you were left breathless while he moved some hair off your forehead.

“Sorry. I wasn’t about to miss out on that kiss for bread.” Peeta smirked as he got off the couch. You watched him walk back into the kitchen and touched your fingertips to your lips. You were still buzzing from the kiss as you walked into the kitchen.

“It smells amazing. I can’t wait to try it.” You smiled politely while Peeta took the bread out of the oven. Once it cooled, you took a knife and went to cut into it.

“Woah woah, what are you doing?” Peeta stopped you.

“Cutting the bread?”

“You can’t just hack into it. There is an art to cutting bread, my dear. Here. Let me show you.” Peeta said as he wrapped his arms around you from behind again.

“Oh boy. Here we go.” You playfully rolled your eyes but didn’t protest.

“It’s like this. Yeah?” He said into your ear. You stayed silent as you watched his hands work over yours to cut the bread into perfect diagonal slices.

“You staring at my hands again?” He asked suddenly, making you freeze.

“Maybe.”

“Why do you keep doing that?” He chuckled softly in your ear.

“I don’t know. Maybe I just like them and can’t really explain why.”

“I know the feeling.” He whispered in your ear after a beat of silence. Peeta let go of one of your hands and used it to touch your side braid.

“Your braid is on a different side today.”

“Oh. Yeah. It is.” You gulped as he toyed with the end of your braid. His hand moved to your shoulder as he placed a kiss on the side of your neck that your braid wasn’t on. It sent shivers down your spine and you didn’t want him to stop.

“I like it.” He whispered against your skin and placed another kiss on your neck.

“You noticed that it was different?” You asked as you turned around in his arms.

“I notice everything about you.” Peeta said simply. You looked into his eyes and smiled before taking hand hand. You brought two prices of bread over to his front door and opened it. You sat across from each other and watched the late afternoon rain that drizzled through the dimming sunshine. You bit into the warm bread and listened the rain falling while Peeta just watched you. When you noticed him staring, you gave him a pointed look and nudged his shoe with your foot.

“You know, Effie told me there’s a stove on the train.” You told him.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Maybe you can show me how to make cake tomorrow?” You asked, making Peeta’s smile grow.

“Sure.” He nodded. “Anything you want.”

[bucky-bucky-bucky-bucky]

Disarmed | Bucky Barnes x Reader

After the events of the GOTG holiday special, I think we all know where this came from and where it's going...

I have not been able to stop thinking about how this actually went down for Bucky. And it makes me sad.

Warnings: violence, injuries, pain, blood, Bucky's arm, home invasion

No answer followed your knocking. Just silence. No movement from inside the apartment. 

Another round of knocks echoed through the quiet hall. Again, silence. 

“Buck? It’s me…”

You leaned against the door, listening for any sign of life. And finally, soft steps made their way in your direction. A deep sigh came from behind the wood. 

Checking in on Bucky like this always made you feel like a bit of a bother. You never wanted to irritate him or make him feel like a child. But you liked knowing he was alright. And he never seemed to mind. He even welcomed your unannounced drop-ins. Bucky liked knowing that someone- anyone- cared about him. He just couldn’t believe you, of all people, were that ‘someone’. 

The metallic rattling sound of Bucky undoing his door’s chain brought a smile to your face. Sure, he’d gone radio silent. He’d ignored your texts and calls all day and skipped out on your lunch plans. But he had a lot on his plate. And even as he worked through his issues and eliminated some of his mental load, more problems often materialized out of nowhere. And so, you granted him grace. You didn’t chastise him or nag him for drawing in on himself. He was doing his very best, and you only wanted to help.

Bucky tentatively pulled open the door a sliver, granting you a view of only half his body. He looked tired, dejected. But he smiled when he saw you- he couldn’t help it. “Hey, doll…” 

“Hey, I was-” You noticed a large scrape running the length of his arm, a bruise resting below his eye. “Woah- what happened? I just saw you yesterday…” Anxiety flooded your system- he was okay less than twenty-four hours ago. How did this happen? And when? 

The day before, Bucky spent his afternoon and most of his evening at your place. The two of you watched movies together and ordered take out. It was, by all definitions, a perfect day.

And you were no stranger to Bucky’s injuries. He always came home from missions looking worse for wear- but he was supposed to be safe here. He didn’t just return from a long stint at a Hydra base or a fight with the flag smashers. He was home. And he wasn’t supposed to get hurt.

A deep sigh deflated Bucky’s chest and pulled his head down. And you realized why he flaked on your plans. But the issue presented a double-edged sword. He knew that by telling you he was hurt would only serve to make you worry about his latest injuries that seemed to materialize overnight. But leaving you in the dark didn’t save you- only delayed the inevitable. In the end, he defaulted to his factory setting. He withdrew and fell silent, deciding to deal on his own.

But that couldn’t stop you. 

Finally, he dragged his gaze up to yours. A few broken blood vessels shot red webs through the whites of his eyes. He looked broken. “Um, could you-” He rephrased, “do you want to come in?” He didn’t like asking you for things. Ever. Though he knew you’d do anything for him, he didn’t like how it felt. He always said it seemed like he was taking advantage of your kindness- which you told him was impossible.

Without hesitation, you nodded. He opened the door and allowed you entrance, immediately locking it behind you. He turned the deadbolt and secured the chain before resting his forehead against the wood. And as he rested there, he gave you a view of his back. Clearly, something violent happened in the eighteen hours since you’d last seen him.  

Large bruises streaked his skin. The deep purples and blues accompanied red gashes and scrapes littering his shoulders. Dried blood lay under his nails. A wince accompanied every inhale. 

“Buck, I don’t understand- what happened to you?” 

He took one last moment to himself before facing you. And as he turned, you saw it: a brutal wound splashed across his chest. Its maroons and crimsons radiated from a central, bloody point, splaying outward. The skin looked raw, torched. Painful. It leaked blood with every movement, every breath. You’d never seen anything like it. 

But as severe as the wound on his chest was, something else caught your eye. Or, the lack of thereof.

“Wait. Where’s…” you scanned the room but came up empty. “Where’s your arm?”

Bucky wasn’t comfortable without it, not yet. And though it wasn’t his favorite part of the body he called his, it at least provided a sense of security. His arm was strong, fast. It could protect him when danger came calling. And so, he tolerated it for the purpose it served. Never once had he taken it off- not since T’Challa and Shuri presented it to him. And yet, he stood before you, his vibranium arm missing. 

“Someone, um…” His eyes took on a far away, hollow quality. “Someone broke in last night.”

You were on him in seconds, “What?”

Everything in you wanted to hold him close, but the angry wound on his chest said otherwise. And so, you opted to hold his hand. 

“I guess ‘broke in’ is the wrong phrase,” he said. “The door- it was still locked. I don’t know how they got in. But they did.” He looked sad. Scared. Confused. He didn’t deserve to feel this way- especially not in his own home. Each shaky breath pushed more blood from his wound, sending red streaks dripping down his body.

“Shit, Buck. You’re really bleeding-”

Bucky stared down at the bloodbath spilling from his chest. Something about the way he regarded his wound was too casual, too nonchalant. “Yeah. It’s been doing that.” He seemed almost distracted, like he was too caught up in the previous night’s events to really notice his injury.

“Okay, can I- let’s get this cleaned up, alright?” 

Bucky gave a small shake of his head, “That’s okay, doll. You don’t have to.”

“Hey,” you gave his hand a squeeze, “Let me take care of you.”

With Bucky’s permission, you led him down the hall to the bathroom. Never once did his hand leave yours. If anything, he tightened his grip as the seconds passed. He was desperate for you- for the one person he felt safe with. He wondered how you always knew when he needed you- how you always knew what he needed. 

But more often, he wondered why you helped him. Why you did so much for him. Why you treated him with such kindness. He sometimes got it in his mind to ask why you did the things you did- but he knew better than to make you question it. He feared that, if you thought about it too long, you’d realize you didn’t want to be around him anymore. And while he wanted to free you of his burden, he’d miss you too much to let you go.

He took a seat on the edge of the tub like you asked and watched you unearth the first aid kit from under his sink. It was the same kit you put together and made him promise to hang on to. It had everything he’d need to tend to his wounds if you were ever unavailable. But thus far, you always found a way to be there, to take care of him. 

He often felt like he was using you. Like you did so much for him without asking for anything in return. Every time you stitched him up or stopped him from bleeding out, guilt seeped into his bones. But you assured him, time and time again, that you helped him because you wanted to. Because you cared. Because you’d rather die than let him think he was alone. 

“Jesus. Is this…” You carefully examined the injury to Bucky’s chest, “is this a burn?”

Bucky shrugged, but the motion only brought him more pain. “I’m not sure. The whole thing was… weird.”

With gentle hands, you cleaned the blood from his skin. He winced with each swipe of gauze. And while you held pressure to the spot that refused to stop bleeding, you asked for details.

Bucky’s jaw tensed. “Everything was normal. I double checked that the door was locked. I texted you goodnight. I went to bed.” He traveled back to the night before, recalling the strange events as they unfolded. “The sound of footsteps woke me up. I thought it was my neighbor coming home from the bar again. But the sound was outside my bedroom door- right outside my bedroom door. And then someone was in my room. I saw their silhouette standing over my bed.”

Your heart began to race as though it were happening in real time. “Who was it? Did you recognize them?”

He shook his head. “Whoever it was- they were fast. Strong. I don’t think…” He paused for a moment, his brow furrowing. “I don’t think they were human. Or at least, all human. I don’t think they were from earth at all. I mean, the weapon they had it was… I don’t know. I’d never seen anything like it before.” He relived the blast that struck his chest, the sizzling, searing agony that burned through him. 

“Shit…” Knowing how scared he must’ve been made you nauseous. But you did your very best to keep your hands from shaking. “Did they- did they say what they wanted?”

Again, he shook his head. “They didn’t say why they were here- nothing about it made any sense, really. They didn’t threaten me. It didn’t even… it didn’t seem like they wanted me dead.”

You thanked the universe that Bucky’s assailant hadn’t come for his life. If you’d dropped by his apartment to find him cold and still, you would’ve joined him in the afterlife.

As you examined his wound once again, Bucky thought back on everyone he’d ever hurt, everyone he’d ever killed. He knew many of his victims didn’t deserve to die. He knew they had families and friends who wanted revenge. If anyone ever came for him, he assumed it would be a vengeful loved one out for his head. But this was different. 

“They didn’t seem like they wanted to kill me,” he said after a while. “They didn’t even really try to kill me.”

“Then what’s all this about?” you asked, motioning toward the massive wound on his chest.

“I mean… they could’ve shot me in the head.”

You cringed at the thought. Only a few hours ago, Bucky could’ve so easily been taken from you. And you wouldn’t have even known he was in danger. 

“The entire time we were fighting, they were going for my arm.” He shuddered. “I think they got fed up after a while- that’s when they shot me. Almost like they didn’t want to hurt me but had no choice. And while I was on the ground, writhing in pain, they tore it off.”

Your eyes widened, “what?”

“Like I said… whoever it was, they were strong. They didn’t disable the mechanism like Ayo- they ripped it off.”

None of it made any sense. The locked door, leaving Bucky alive, stealing his arm- it was beyond strange. And in any other circumstance, you would’ve attempted to put the pieces together. You would’ve tried to solve the puzzle. But that part didn’t matter. What mattered was Bucky. 

He lost his arm in the fall all those years ago. He bled in the snow for what felt like years, alone and scared. Hydra removed what remained of his joint without compassion and replaced it with metal. And then, when he was finally free, Tony brutally destroyed his new arm. Robbed him once again of a piece of himself. Though, part of him was happy to be free of the silver and red prosthetic designed by Hydra. He welcomed the sleek black and gold upgrade Shuri so kindly provided. 

And now, it was gone. 

He'd been through enough. His sense of self stripped away again and again. His bodily autonomy decimated. And he’d worked so hard to make progress. He was trying. He was working on himself, on healing his trauma. And just as things seemed to take a positive turn, yet another nightmare unfolded. 

With his permission, you used your free hand to assess where his arm used to be. The attachment site was still in place, but the skin around it was angry. Red. Swollen. Dried blood crusted around the metal plate. You wondered how much pain a body could take. 

“Does it hurt?”

He nodded. And your heart fell to pieces.

“What did you-” You forced yourself to stay strong, “what did you do after they um, took it?”

“I was kind of in shock…” he said. “I didn’t know what to do. Whoever it was seemed to vanish. And I,” he took a breath. “I couldn’t just go back to sleep, you know?” He sat quiet for a moment, disappearing to the previous night’s utter horror. “I didn’t feel safe after that.”

You cursed whoever did this to him. Only recently did he start successfully sleeping through the night. His nightmares dwindled and he was finally getting the rest he so desperately needed. And his assailant robbed him of that.

He shrugged, wincing once again. “I just went and sat in the living room for the rest of the night. I left the lights on… I couldn’t imagine turning them off. I knew I’d see their silhouette again.”

You didn’t know what to say. You wished he’d called. You wished he’d felt comfortable enough asking for help. But that was still an uphill battle and calling in the middle of the night wasn’t something he was okay with. If you called him at three in the morning, he’d answer without hesitation. He’d never see it as a bother or a burden; if you needed him, he’d be there. But the reverse was different. He saw himself as only a burden- who was he to wake you in the middle of the night? Who was he to disturb your sleep and dump his problems on you? 

“Buck, I’m so…” you didn’t know how to make it better. “I’m so sorry this happened to you. You don’t deserve this- you don’t deserve any of the shit that’s happened to you.”

He flashed you a sad smile and a quiet “thanks”.

“And I know what you’re gonna say, but… you know I’m always here for you-”

“Doll, I can’t-”

“I don’t care what time it is, Buck. I don’t care what I’m doing. If you need me, I’m here. End of story.”

He simply brought his hand to your cheek and swept his thumb over your skin. You were so good to him- too good to him. 

“All I ever want to do is be there for you. No matter what that means.”

Bucky averted his gaze. He sometimes didn’t know how to react to kindness, to such direct warmth. It almost made him bashful to have someone care for him so deeply.

“Um, this is finally done bleeding,” you said, pulling the gauze from his chest. “I’m gonna cover it. And then I’m gonna clean your shoulder- only if that’s okay.” The only person allowed to touch Bucky was you. And even then, getting to that point had been a long journey. Building that trust, that feeling of safety took care and thought. And you never wanted to overstep. He knew he could change his boundaries whenever he wanted, could revoke his consent without consequence. But you still reminded him every now and then, never allowing him to forget. 

“I’d really appreciate that. Thank you.” 

As carefully as you could, you covered the strange blast-injury on his chest. And when satisfied with its condition, you moved on to his shoulder. After it’s decades of abuse, this tissue required extra care. Extra gentleness. You worked slowly and cautiously, removing the blood from his scarred skin. 

An overwhelming sense of vulnerability engulfed Bucky. No one ever got this up close and personal with his marred flesh. It made him nervous. “Hey, I’m really sorry I ditched you today…” he said, distracting you from his scars. “I knew we had plans, but I wasn’t-”

You placed a gentle hand on his cheek, quieting him. “Please don’t apologize. I know you’re doing your best- and you had a more than good enough reason not to meet me for chicken and waffles.”

He let a sad smile break through his downtrodden expression. “I knew this apartment was a shit hole,” he said, “but I never thought someone would break in to steal my arm. You know?”

You nodded. “I don’t think anyone could’ve expected that.”

With Bucky’s wounds cleaned and covered, you finally let your shoulders relax a bit. The tightness in your chest diminished and your muscles let go of a fraction of tension. But you still worried about him. You knew he’d never sleep again- not in this apartment, at least. His sense of security was gone. Shattered. And without his arm, you knew he’d feel vulnerable. On edge. Any sliver of peace he’d found disintegrated before his very eyes. 

You feared making him uncomfortable, but the words slipped past your lips before you had the chance to second guess yourself. “Hey… do you wanna come stay at my place?” you asked, “I know you probably aren’t looking forward to spending much time here after what happened, and-”

Bucky waved you off with an overly casual smile. “No, no, that’s okay, doll. I’m fine here.”

You gave him a stern look, “Buck, I know you. Please, just come stay with me.”

He chewed on the inside of his cheek- this crossed a line. He couldn’t invade your space like that. He couldn’t infect your life with his baggage. And if he feared being a burden before, it was nothing compared to the feeling creeping into his chest. “You’re sweet, but you don’t have to do that-”

“I want to,” you said. “Just come crash at my place for a while.”

He thought it over for a long, quiet moment. More than anything, he wanted to escape his apartment and seek refuge with you. Any sense of safety he’d felt in this space was gone, and he never felt safer than he did at yours. But he couldn’t impose like that, though. He couldn’t invade your privacy.

“Buck, come on. Do you wanna come stay with me?”

He nodded.

You cupped his face, “Then come! Stay long as you want.”

He opened his mouth to thank you for your kindness, but you cut him off.

“Hang on- to clarify, I’m not saying ‘stay as long as you think is appropriate or polite’. I’m saying, ‘stay as long as you want’.” You eyed him with a stern expression, “Don’t just stay one night and then come back here because you think you’re a burden. Promise?”

“Promise.”

“Good.” With your help, Bucky got to his feet. “Now, let’s pack you a bag and get you outta here.”

Bucky followed one pace behind you as you headed for his bedroom. He couldn’t believe he had a safety net. A kind, caring person who wanted only good things for him. He’d easily grown smitten with you only a few days after meeting you, and witnessing your capacity for compassion won him over. But truth be told, it wasn’t about the things you did for him. Or the nice things you said to him. You glowed from the inside, the warmth of your heart basking him in a comforting light. And though he’d, yet again, suffered a violation of his sense of self, he almost didn’t care. He didn’t belong to himself anymore, anyway. He belonged to you. 

----------------------------------------

Tag list: @beefybuckrrito @shadytalementality  @everything-burns-down @rainbow-unicorn-pony @mandersshow @breakablebarnes @psychoticmason @glxwingrxse @lonewolf471 @dreamerglassesgirl  @the-gods-gloted-but-they-burned @purpleshallot  @seitmai @itvy5601 @dailyreverie  @navs-bhat @eviesaurusrex @themorningsunshine  @evangeliamerryll @buckys-metal-arm @broadwaybabe18 @the-kestrels-feather @avocadotoastwithegg @goldylions @lokisasgardianvampirequeen @vrittivsanghavi @idkitsem @avengetheunnatural @rassvetsky @hereforbuckyandsteve

[those70scomics]

Fictober Day 31: "it's always been you"

That '70s Show Fanfiction

Hyde and Jackie stood in the Formans' backyard, wearing coats over their Halloween costumes. Like the other Halloween party guests, they were willing to bear the cold of evening. Mrs. Forman had ushered them all outside for the last and best of the party's surprises.

Hyde pointed to the skeleton he and Red had constructed from car parts. It was lashed to a tree, and Red was about to introduce guests to it. Hyde and Jackie weren't far away, and he whispered to her, "Watch and listen."

Red brought the Wilsons to the skeleton first. "Would you look at that beauty," Joe Wilson said. "How did you -- "

"Hey, there. Hi, there. Ho, there!" Bob's voice greeted from inside the metal ribs.

Red jumped backward, startling the Wilsons. "What the hell?"

"I love salty ... and I love sweet," the skeleton said with Bob's voice. "Some of you smell delicious."

"Steven!" Red shouted, but Hyde led Jackie to the other side of the backyard, to an area crowded with guests. He laughed the whole time.

Jackie giggled and patted Hyde's arm. "That was amazing! You tricked Mr. Forman at his own party, and he didn't suspect it the whole month. ... Your genius is so sexy."

It wasn't genius. It was deviousness, but he didn't deny her evaluation out loud.

"Let's skip out on the cake and make love in your old room," she said.

"There's a different kind of skeleton in there," he said.

"Your past is the past -- "

He slid his arm around her back to draw them closer to each other. "An actual skeleton, for Halloween," he whispered. "And we'd miss out on Forman and Donna's announcement."

"I don't care. We know the news already. ... Okay, we guessed it. Whatever."

"Don't you want to congratulate 'em?"

She tugged on his coat sleeve. "Are you avoiding having hot Halloween sex with me?"

"I'm using every freakin' ounce of willpower not to give in." They needed to be here for their best friends and the Formans. They wouldn't be here, together, if not for their friends and family.

"Fine," she said. "As the best friend, Donna will be happiest at hearing my reaction. But afterward, we're doing it in your old room."

He held her hand. It was warmer than his, and he said, "Yes, dear."

***

Fez presented his and Miss Kitty's cake in the backyard to cheers. He and Rhonda had carried the beautiful monstrosity to the outdoor table. The cake resembled an evil jack-o'-lantern, and Rhonda set off the pyrotechnics.

Sparks flew out the top of the cake, from the hollow eyes and menacing mouth. The crowd cheered louder and applauded while Fez, Miss Kitty, and Rhonda exchanged satisfied looks.

"I was worried about losing a finger, despite the expert's lesson," he said.

Rhonda indicated herself. "That's why I set off the cake fireworks."

Warmth spread through his chilled body. He looked up at her face and said, "You'd risk your finger for me. That is the height of love."

"I'd risk everything for you. When I went back to Mississippi, I tried dating other guys and falling in love again, but it's always been you."

She actually did risk everything by giving him another chance. The realization overwhelmed him with emotion, and he blurted, "Do you want a baby?"

"Now? No way. I've still got ten years before my eggs go bad. We can wait."

Her words sobered Fez's mind. "I don't want a baby yet either."

She grasped the sides of his face and kissed him. He kissed her back, and the white noise of party guests faded as he and Rhonda made out.

***

Kitty sliced pieces of the sheet cakes for guests without the help she'd expected. Fez and Rhonda were busy being a groping, sloppy mess in a corner of the backyard. She would've broken up their display, but the line of guests wasn't getting any shorter or more patient.

"Could you use a hand or maybe two?"

Donna was standing beside her. Kitty hadn't spotted her approach and said, "You're an absolute angel!"

Guests got their slices of cake efficiently now, and the grumbles stopped. Donna's cheeks were red from cold or maybe joy. Kitty hoped it was the latter.

"When do you and Eric want to make the announcement?"

"Really soon," Donna said and passed two guests slices of cake. "Are you still okay with us ... you know?"

"I'm more than okay. I'm happy." Kitty wiped orange-colored frosting off her fingers with a napkin. "I'm excited you two will finally share your happiness with everyone."

Donna put down the cake knife and wrapped Kitty in a hug. "Thank you. I love you."

Kitty teared up. That was the first time Donna had said those three words to her, and Kitty said, "I love you, too ... and I'll be right back to announce that you and Eric have an announcement."

The cake line had become manageable by one person. Otherwise Kitty wouldn't have dashed off to her next party checkpoint.

***

Kelso was setting rocket fireworks for the party's finale. The sidewalk behind the Formans' backyard was the perfect spot. The backyard lights let him see what he was doing, but two shadows fell over him.

The Formans were here, and he yelped. He looked around for a blanket or tarp -- anything -- to hide the fireworks. He started to pull off his jacket, but Red said, "It's okay, Kelso. We already know about your fireworks show. Your wife told us."

"But I swore Brooke to secrecy! She promised."

"Did she promise or plomise?" Mrs. Forman said.

Kelso thought back to his and Brooke's conversation. "Damn! She did plomise."

Red raised his gaze to the night sky, but Mrs. Forman's attention remained on Kelso. "Eric and Donna are about to make an announcement." She tapped the walkie-talkie sticking out from her coat pocket. "I'll signal Red, and he'll help you set off the fireworks.

"Announcement? About what?"

"You won't have long to wait." She smiled at him mischievously and returned to the backyard.

Red, meanwhile, had begun to inspect Kelso's fireworks placement.

"You don't gotta stay," Kelso said. "I had a professional teach me fireworks safety."

"That's all well and good." Red stood at his full height, which was shorter than Kelso's by an inch, but he seemed a foot taller. He always had. "But I have experience with pyrotechnics. And since this is my house, I'll be supervising."

"You shot off fireworks during the wars you fought in?"

"No, I shot -- never mind. My experience was after the Korean war."

Both relief and disappointment spread through Kelso's chest. "Man, I wanted to prove to Brooke -- " and himself -- "that I could be responsible with explosive objects."

"I'm just here as backup. You're doing the work."

"Oh. Okay." Kelso grinned and continued arranging the rocket fireworks on the sidewalk.

***

Donna and Eric stood by the table where the remnants of the cake were. Kitty had returned and shouted through a bullhorn for everyone in the backyard to listen.

"My son and daughter-in-law have something important to share with all of you." She passed the bullhorn to Donna.

Donna's heart pounded, and the beats pulsed through her fingers, but she was ready. "Hi, everyone!" she said into the bullhorn. "Thank you for coming to this amazing party. And thank you to all the friends and family who made it happen!"

The guests cheered and whistled.

"Eric and I have very happy news: I'm pregnant!"

The cheers grew even louder, and Donna leaned into Eric at the response. But from somewhere inside the crowd of guests, a lone voice shouted, "Is the baby Eric's?"

"Mitch," Eric muttered and took the bullhorn from Donna. "Of course it's mine! Anyway, we're overjoyed we can finally tell you about Baby Forman. It's a lot like when Luke fires two torpedoes into the Death Star during -- "

Donna nudged him and whispered, "We said no Star Wars analogies, remember?"

Eric whispered back, "I already agreed to not naming our kid after a Star Wars character. Are you trying to erase Star Wars from my life completely?"

Her eyes widened, and more adrenaline spilled into her body, giving her the shivers. Her pregnancy hormones had affected her ability to edit herself. "I'm sorry. I'm being extra controlling lately, but I don't mean to be."

"Our child will be watching Star Wars with me," he whispered. "I won't budge on this."

"I don't expect you to. Just let them discover the truth about Luke and Leia's relationship on their own."

"I thought we wanted to spare our children unnecessary pain -- "

"Hey, Forman," Hyde shouted from nearby, "we can all hear your discussion, man! Bullhorn's still on, and look where you're holding it!"

Eric was holding the bullhorn between his and Donna's faces. "We're having a baby!" he said directly into the mouthpiece.

Seconds later, fireworks burst high above the backyard. The sight wasn't just dazzling; it was a godsend. Donna's "private conversation" with Eric seemed to have been forgotten by the party guests. They were all looking up and reacted vocally to the colors exploding in the sky.

This display had to be the surprise Kitty mentioned. The fireworks reinvigorated Donna excitement. Her family's future would be the present soon, and she kissed Eric. He put the bullhorn on the cake table, held her close, and they watched the colorful sky.

***

Party guests, including family and friends, approached Eric and Donna in congratulations. A few people put their hand on Donna's belly without asking. Mitch was about to do the same, and Donna said, "My belly is officially off-limits! No touching!"

Eric worried she'd grab the cake knife if Mitch refused to listen, but Mitch redirected his attention to Eric. "Well, Forman, you bested me. I'm man enough to admit it."

"Thanks. Thank you, Mitch."

"Hey, don't gloat too much. You're a big fish in a small pond, and I'm going to be a big fish in a much bigger pond."

Eric had the perfect burn for that comment, but he allowed Mitch this one last dig -- and to walk away without Eric shoving cake in Mitch's smug face. Mainly, though, he didn't want to provoke Mitch into not moving to Milwaukee.

Bob and Joanne congratulated Eric and Donna next with hugs and happy words. Then Bob said, "Since your kid's grandparents live next door to each other, they can spend all their holidays here in Point Place. ... Hey, why don't you just move back here? There's a house across the street that just became available. Old Agnes finally kicked the bucket."

Joanne swatted Bob's chest. "I liked Agnes."

"You hated her."

"I .. okay, I disliked her."

"She used to rifle through our garage and gossip about us to neighbors. You're as glad old-age caught up with her as I am," Bob said, and Joanne turned her face away. She seemed to be laughing.

Bob looked at Eric and Donna with obvious hope. Eric fought not to cringe. He hated to upset Bob, especially because he was a crier, but Donna said, "Dad, we love you, but we're not moving back. Our lives are in Appleton."

"But your family's here," Bob said.

Donna hugged Eric around the waist. "It's also in Appleton ... and Mom's in California."

"All right, pumpkin. It was worth a shot."

He and Joanne left, and Hyde and Jackie took their place.

"Congratulations!" Jackie said and flung her arms around Donna's neck.

Hyde shook Eric's hand then pulled Eric into an embrace. "Congrats ... Dad."

"Did you two already know?" Donna said when she and Eric were no longer tangled in their friends' arms.

"No," Jackie said.

Donna shook her head a little. "Wow. I thought for sure you --"

"We absolutely knew!" Jackie laughed so hard she was cackling. Eric despised that sound. It raised the hairs on the back of his neck.

"Yeah, we did," Hyde said. "A couple of clues gave it away."

Jackie continued to cackle but covered her mouth until she could speak properly. "We're thrilled you're having a baby. And don't worry, with Steven and I as their uncle and aunt, they won't turn out to be a loser."

"Jackie!" Donna shouted.

"I said don't worry." Jackie indicated the guests behind them. "Anyway, we want to let other people congratulate you now. If we don't see you again tonight, that'll be because Steven and I are making love in his old room. Bye!"

Jackie pulled Hyde by the hand to the basement stairs in the backyard.

"Those two ... " Eric was both amused and annoyed. "I hope Hyde gets Jackie pregnant tonight."

Minutes later, Laurie and her husband, Tim, stepped up to him and Donna. They gave their congratulations, and Laurie said, "I want our kids to grow up like siblings."

Eric's breath caught in his throat. Siblings ... the idea was horrifying. He didn't want that at all. Although he and Laurie had a healthy relationship now, he couldn't shake the fear of her stabbing him with the cake knife. "We grew up hating each other."

"I didn't say like us. Tim has an older brother and a younger sister, and they were always close."

Tim scratched his beard. "We had the kind of arguments siblings have, but we made up quickly. Usually."

"Oh." Eric's breath escaped as white smoke into the cold night air. "I'd like that, too."

Kelso, Brooke, and Betsy arrived after friends of Eric and Donna's parents came and went. Warm congratulations were given all around: Kelso, Brooke and Betsy about Eric and Donna's baby, Eric and Donna about Kelso's fireworks show.

"Can I feel your tummy?" Betsy said. Donna allowed it. "I don't feel a baby."

"That's because the fetus hasn't developed enough yet," Brooke said. "It's early."

Betsy nodded in understanding then a grin spread on her face. "Mom and Dad are having a baby, too," she said to Donna. "But it's even earlier because Dad hasn't knocked her up yet."

Brooke's mouth dropped open, but Kelso chuckled nervously. "Ten-year-olds, big imaginations. Am I right?"

"Michael, she obviously knows!" Brooke directed Kelso to look at her. "Don't act like she's a liar. You told her!"

"But I didn't!"

Brooke began to argue, but Betsy jostled her arm. "He didn't, Mom. I heard you and Dad talking about it last week. You're bad at keeping secrets."

"I guess we are." Brooke stroked the back of Betsy's hair and apologized to Kelso. Then she said to Betsy, "How do you feel about having a little sister or brother?"

"It's the best present ever! Can I name it?"

"Sure," Kelso said.

Brooke spoke over him: "We'll talk about it."

She and Kelso congratulated Eric and Donna again before chasing after an exhilarated Betsy through the backyard.

"I can't believe Kelso is finally is okay with having another kid," Donna said to Eric.

He focused on the stairs leading to the basement. "Now I really hope Hyde gets Jackie pregnant. It would be perfect ... almost perfect. Fez has got to knock up Rhonda. Let me try to convince them -- "

Donna held him back and said, "It's really sweet you want to recreate for our baby the childhood we had growing up, full of friends who're like family. But our kid will make friends of their own in Appleton. And they'll have more here and in Milwaukee and Chicago."

Eric rubbed his hands together and blew on them. He should've worn gloves, but they didn't go with his Obi-Wan Kenobi costume. October nights were cold in Wisconsin, but everyone around them warmed him in a significant way.

"You know, we're really lucky," he said. "We grew up with people who are still our friends -- family -- after ten, twenty years. Our parents are still alive and healthy. ... " His sense of security collapsed into fear. "Did I just jinx us?"

"Of course not! I don't know where that superstition came from. Being grateful for what we have and saying it out loud is a good thing."

"Where's some wood? I need to knock on it three times -- "

Donna grasped his shoulders. "Would you knock it off? I know I was superstitious -- scared -- about revealing my pregnancy during the first trimester. But we'll handle whatever happens. We always have. Together."

Together. That was one of Eric's favorite words. He held Donna gently but kissed her like he hadn't seen her in years. She responded, and they sneaked into the house.

***

Eric's childhood bedroom upstairs remained largely as he'd left it, but framed nature paintings adorned the walls, and the bed had a boring navy-blue comforter.

Still, it was a bed, and he pulled aside the sheets.

A witch sprang up from underneath, cackling. He and Donna stepped back while Eric shrieked. That cackling ...

"What the hell?" Donna said.

"Mom said the bedrooms weren't part of the party! ... Wait, there's a note."

He pulled the piece of paper off the witch's broom. The note was written in his dad's handwriting:

"Son, if you and Donna have come up here to do anything but rest, forget it. I've got this thing rigged to alert me it's been triggered. Happy Halloween, dumbass."

Donna hooked her chin over Eric's shoulder: "Just imagine: someday you'll get to do this to our child."

He reached behind himself and mussed the back of her hair. "We're living the dream," he said with a sigh, but everything would be all right. Not only did this trick count as a the jinx he'd worried about, it also reminded him that he and Donna weren't alone. This party, this whole month, proved it. He and Donna truly were lucky.

And their child would be, too.

[taralen]

Announcement: SOCIAL MEDIA AND FANDOM HIATUS

I've been active on here and X/Twitter for a few months now, interacting with the Deltarune fandom, particularly the Spamton sub-fandom. This has brought me into a world I never dreamed of before, the sense of being part of a community.

Never in my entire life have I felt part of any community. During this time period, I've made more friends than I have in over a decade. I was so wary of meeting new people and letting them into my life, but now I don't feel as scared anymore. I even discovered what it feels like to fall in love with someone real.

That said, I am exhausted. I've emotionally and mentally exhausted myself trying to be there for so many people, to be the person I failed to be ten years ago when everyone I knew dropped me into a dumpster and insisted, "You don't know how to be human."

I've reached my limit. I can't do this anymore. People are assuming too much of me.

Before opening myself up to this fandom, I never wanted to closely associate with anyone who didn't have a single original piece of work tied to their name. I considered anything fandom-related a total waste of time, and I never saw any value in such communities... Until I finally let myself become part of one. My childhood friend recommended I start being more open by drawing my favorite character, Spamton.

I took his advice... Obviously. I felt like, for the first time, I was healing...

But these new connections brought new problems I'm still not used to handling. I had isolated myself for so long, consistently keeping in contact with only three people for almost a decade since all the people in my past friendship group betrayed me. I realized a fatal flaw in my character, and it's that I keep trying to be strong for so many people that I've become neglectful of myself...

I genuinely... Have no idea who I am anymore. I've lost touch with myself since I got so excited about being part of this community. I focused so much only on being there for my new friends that I had to stop and think, "Wait... Does anyone actually know me outside of all this...?"

Does anyone know who I am... Outside this fandom? Do they care?

I developed acute mono/autophobia, and it took me until recently to discover why: because this happiness is so overwhelmingly beautiful to me that the thought of losing it all is driving me to deeper madness. This thought, of course, is as irrational as any phobia is... And I had to ask myself, "Did I let myself become too open and vulnerable? Were the walls I had before preferable to this?"

And so... I am retreating to those walls for now. I am going on a hiatus. I want to focus on my personal projects that are entirely my ideas and settings, and I am uncomfortable sharing 99% of them except among trusted friends. I have an original novel I already finished about 25% of the first draft of, and I took a pause on it because of my involvement in this fandom. It's time I stop and allow myself to reconnect with myself... To the things that matter most to me.

I am not leaving—absolutely not—but I am broken. I realized that despite all the times I've been strong for other people, I can't count on anyone to be there for me at my absolute lowest. I've been overexerting myself to be strong for others so much that I'm doing it at my own expense, and I feel like I'm sinking into a tar pit of agony.

This little trash puppet needs to feel the comfort of er... my trash. I'm sorry. I will be gone for at least a week. I'm still available to friends on Discord, but that's the only place I'll be.

I'm overloaded and overused. I'm sorry... I have about half a dozen commissions to finish anyway.

My inbox is still open, so if anyone wants to have fun with that and shoot me an e-mail, then feel free to. Otherwise...

[audie430]

BSD guys comfort you when you feel down

ft. dazai, chuuya, ranpo, atsushi

Hello beautiful! I hope you're doing well :) in honor of bungou stray dogs season 4, here are some new headcanons. I'm writing some hurt-comfort/fluff once more bc I'm a sucker for it and I'm ready for the year to be over already (only 10 days in haha💀).

Chuuya Nakahara

lmao fiesty boi

more spicy than takis

anyways

this shawty is a busy man, he has lots of work to always do so it would take him a few days to realize you're in a funk

I think he would figure out when he comes home for dinner and you arent as expressive as you usually are

he fell in love w you for how pure and adorable you areeee😭😭💕

he would ask what youre preparing for dinner and you'd answer w smth like "sigh, whatever you want. Or take out."

This boy loves your food, even if you suck at cooking

He sees you on the couch scrolling through your phone, seeing your unhappy expression

"Hey y/n.. whats wrong?"

"Hm? oh nothing, Im fine"

GIRLIE CUT THE CRAP-

hehe jkjk unless..

he would obviously not break you bc youre like invinsible and like the biggest stone walls protect your heart from being vulnerable :/

He'll tell you he's getting chinese or smth and grab his keys to leave

but in reality he goes out to the store and buys all your fav things and the things that remind him of you

this guy is rich, he will buy you everything

Imagine him coming home w ingredients for your fav meal and an extra bag w a new teddy bear and maybe even a face mask, perfume, and a new nail polish color, or maybe matching hoodiessss

"uh chuuya, what are you doing? what's that?"

"I dont know whats burdening your sweet lil head, but darling whatever it is, just acknowledge those bad feelings and set them aside. You're so strong, but I want you to rest now. I bought you something and Im gonna be cooking your favorite tonight. Go open your gift, I'll tell you when food is done."

cue your tears

"darling?"

"..thank you bub"

he'll wrap you in his arms, rubbing your head, and drawing shapes on your back

"shhh sh sh, I'm here now"

he'll grab a chair so you can hang out w him in the kitchen while he cooks

he'll softly smile everytime your face lights up while you are opening your gifts

then you'll get to the bottom of your present

a rock?

"rocks always remind me of you, silly girl"

he was your penguin, giving you the smoothest part of earth he could find

after dinner, he'll get a bath running and join you

just innocent touches on your body to help you relax and sweet nothings to help your tired mind.

you practically become jelly in his hold

he'll carry you to bed, rub your back some more

all the head kisses in the world from chuuya ofc

"sleep well, little lamb"

Osamu Dazai

im simping all over again, pls let me drown w him

i wanna cuddle and watch disney movies pls😩

depression who

this man knows the dark side, he has always had to protect himself from others

until he met you anyways

Lets say yall have been together for about 8-9 ish months. You both have opened up about your lives, but ofc not everything

Your past rises to the surface, whatever it is: its a bad memory and you break down

Im gonna say you found smth triggering while you scrolled through your cell phone

You were taking a sip of water when it happened and it caused your hand to slip

glass broken everywhere; the sound was loud and made your mind fuzzy

You couldnt move

"Dearest, i'm homeeeee🕺🏻🕺🏻🕺🏻"

literally not rn dazai-

anyway, his eyes widen. there you are on the brink of collapse

your knees are physically trembling, eyes watering and foggy

you couldnt even process dazai being there, did you even know he was there?

"y/n.. dont. move. I'll pick up the glass"

he needs to make your surroundings are safe before he can assess what the hell actually happened here

you answer him with a whimper, still trembling

he quickly sweeps the glass closest to you so he can grab your hand. you flinch but allow the touch otherwise so he can set you down

youre sitting on the floor while he picks up the rest of the glass

once he tosses the glass out into the bin, you couldnt hold it in as you started bawling

dazai quickly comes to you, he kneels in front of you trying to get your attention

thankfully you look at him and reach for him

he gently manuvers you onto his lap and allows you to curl into him

"o-osamu, I cant anymore, it.. it hurts"

the detecrive wont say anything more than a few short comforting whisperings and shushing you while he plays with your hair and gives your head a few kisses

he'll wait to move from the floor when you can breathe, and if you need a little guidance, he will see to it

"y/n, look at the palm of my hand. When we breathe in, you're gonna slowly trace all my fingers starting with my thumb, okay? You're gonna do the same thing when we breathe out. Go from the middle of my palm to the thumb, alllll the way to my pinky, can my lovely do that? here, lets do it together."

And slowly you inhale, you tickle his fingers when you trace the base of each of them up to his fingertips, then go back down to meet the following finger. You make your way back to his thumb and you exhale as you repeat the action all over again.

he'll pick your body up against his and he'll cuddle you in bed until you fall asleep

"my sweet girl, you did so well. I love you, have sweet dreams. I'll join you soon."

And when you wake up, you'll be met with your fav take out and a new spft blanket that was just in the dryer

Ranpo Edogawa

how did this man realize his feelings for you? or do you just taste like chocolate?

you knew coming into this relationship would be difficult

he's a literal child at 26

You or someone else will have to tell ranpo that you arent doing so great

in this scenario, we're gonna say someone else

kunikida: "hey ranpo, whats going on with y/n lately?"

"its probably their time of the month"

👊🏻💥

he's clueless until he puts on those glasses istg

he'll give you a glance and realize you're basically sulking

your shoulders look stiff, you have bags under your eyes, you look shaky, but not sick?

he put on his glasses and it all literally clicked

"ohh so thats what it is"

"uh ranpo who are you talking to?"

"not right now astushi, youll understand when youre older"

if yall are still at work when he gets the time to start a conversation with you, he will give you a snack of your choosing

and yes he will pout

"huh you want that one?! ahh, okay.."

and then youll quickly excuse yourself to do more work to rid yourself of your negative thoughts

youll drive ranpo and yourself home. you slump on the couch, your eyes watering. You are so tired

Ranpo will sit next to you and harshly pull you into his side to kiss your head before laying your head on his lap

"I dont like it when your sad, and I'm not good with nice words, but I can listen so spit it out so I can make you feel better."

he'll hold you all night, however you'd like

and if you rant thats up to you

just know that he is right there and you're in this together♥︎

Atsushi Nakajima

rawr

he's a sweet lil angel and will do ANYTHING to make you smile

"uhm y/n, i'll turn into a tiger for you"

"hey y/n just wanted to let you know that I did the dishes!"

"hey sweetie! do you wanna cuddle, maybe?"

^his love language is def shown through actions so he will either hold you or help you through most of your chores

it all started at the beginningnof the week, you were not feeling it

it was rainy and you were exhausted: it was only monday

you both had off work and it was pouring out, so you were stuck at home

atsushi said he would start w the chores but you didnt think he meant yours too

the whole apartment was tidy and he was even making you your fav sandwhich

he even turned on your fav show before giving you lunch

he sat next to you and pulled your feet into his lap

when he was done your sandwich, he massaged your feet and ankles and even kissed your toes to make you laugh

dw, you were wearing socks

affer eating and your episode finished, atsushi decided to pull out your record player and play your fav songs

*imagine enchanted by ts playing while he spun you in the living room🥺

"ahh, atsu! hahah"

it was.. enchanting to meet you

"oh princess, you make me wonder what I did just to have you in my life"

"I love you so much, let me take care of you today, and everyday after that."

"I want to watch you walk down the aisle in a pretty white dress"

he rlly simps for you, hard

astushi will spoil you the rest of the day with lingering soft touches, give you an early present that he was saving for your birthday, make dinner too

he would run you a bath and let you borrow his favorite hoodie and blush when you smell him on it

youre so tiny in his hoodies😭😭 he absolutely adores it

and he hopes that he can forever make you smile

"I never want to be the reason to make you cry, rest now. I'll protect you tonight. Every night, I promise" *kiss

oml look yall I did it, i wrote fanfiction. I hope yall have a great new year! dont forget to give me some ideas for work in the future, I will love yout input! have a lovely day, gorgeous :)

[ghostthostt]

Hiiii hello hi please tell me everything about Foxtrot and also that I love him (and telling you how his design is amazing!!!) What role on teams does he usually fill? Favorite foods? If he could keep one enemy as a pet no consequence what would it be?

hi !! thank you so much <33

ill put it under the cut bc its gonna be a lot i think

Foxtrot, aka FOXTROT-152, was a combat medic before joining the company. he specializes in medical treatment, and knows how to treat wounds, small or great, on the fly .. thats how hes survived this long out on Titan

hes extremely cautious, but kind, prioritizing the crew over himself at all times. he will give his rations, his supplies, his care, everything to the crew before taking care of himself. he is extremely selfless... its both a positive trait and a flaw of his

his reason for being brought to the company was punishment. he made a mistake that costed the lives of many people, and because of it, he was sent to the company as punishment. he was given amnestics and forced to forget everything about himself and his past except for his issued ID, FOXTROT-152. he was told what his job was, what he was expected to do, and well. he had no choice but to do it. so he did

eventually, though, he started to catch on to what the company was and what they were doing. he grew paranoid, scared of what they would do if they found out he knew... he spent every day anxious and tense, afraid of every radio transmission, every message, every ship that passed them .. scared of everything. that it was the company finally coming for him.

and one day, they finally did. they came for him ... separated him from his crew, administered more amnestics, and forced him to do a solo mission. it was meant to kill him. and it almost did

the landing alone almost killed him ... his ship was sabotaged and the landing was... messy, to say the least. he survived, though with a heavily broken arm. his forearm was shattered and his wrist was fractured, rendering the arm useless... all he could do was set it and hope for the best. he didnt realize what had happened at first, he thought it was a mistake on his part, and he kept sending out distress signals.. hoping for a rescue

but help never came, and he was left stranded on Titan for a loooong time. he soon realized what had happened to him and he just wandered... he was hoping to die without having to actually kill himself. he was too afraid to .

along the way, he picked up a sort of parasitic fungus that slowly began infecting him .. i forgot to include it in the drawing (ill edit the post in a bit) but basically it kept him alive but it used his body for its own survival in the process too. he tried very hard to get rid of it but just. couldnt. so he was left to wander the endless snow of Titan while this fungus slowly ate at him .. and hes been wandering ever since.

hes not quite alive anymore ... hes more dead than alive, sort of like a zombie, but hes still Kiiiindda in there.. somewhere. yeah :^)

as for your questions...

the role he filled was definitely a medic. he had everything you could need and took care of the crew very well.. he was very skilled in running in and dragging people away from danger, too. hes stronger than he looks for his size

his favorite foods... i think hed like something sweet, like strawberry and nutella sandwiches. something indulgent but sweet and simple :^)

and he would LOVE the spore lizards and snare fleas. hed think they were very very cute. he would definitely try to pet a lizard (and get bit in the process)

if you have any more questions feel free to ask again <333

[laremsworld]

Imagine this:

Season 3 starts 5 years after S2. Kate and Anthony have welcomed two kids, Colin was once again travelling and is now coming back, Penelope and Eloise are technically considered spinsters now, but they both look so much more mature and beautiful (not they didn’t were stunning already.) Francesca is married and happy, the kids (Greg and Hyacinth) have grown up, but the one who changed the most is most surely Benedict Bridgerton. Being 33 now, he has his own house quite near to his brother’s and his mother‘s houses. The man, who was so much fun in Season 2, is gone. He stopped drawing, he stopped writing poems, he‘ barely seen on parties nowadays and he even skips his mother’s very own balls during the season.

This is not really communicated in the third season though (mostly because it‘s Polin‘s season and Benedict’s drama is meant to be a side story.)

But after Penelope marries Colin she can’t unsee how everyone seems to have „given up“ on Benedict. Violet, still hoping to find a good match for Eloise, is not even trying to search for someone for Benedict. Kate, who grew pretty close to all her brothers- and sisters-in-law, blocks Pen whenever she tries to talk about it.

One day, shortly after Colin and Penelope return from ther honeymoon, Pen suggests to set up a meeting between Benedict and a drams cousin of hers, but Colin shrugs it off. „We all have accepted that Benedict is not going to marry“, he explains.

„But why? He‘s still pretty young - actually most bachelors are in their thirties when they finally decide to find a wife, so it‘s not too late.“

„It‘s not that“, Colin tells her.

Penelope patiently waits for him to continue. She knows him well enough to not further push for details. He will eventually spill the beans anyway.

„Do you remember the masquerade my mum did a few years ago?“

„The one where I came as a mermaid?“, Pen asks.

Colin laughs „God, this costume really wasn’t made for you.“

Penelope can feel her cheeks getting red. „Let‘s focus on the part where this affected Benedict, please.“

„Alright“, Colin is still laughing. „Do you remember a certain mysterious woman?“

„The lady in silver.“

„The lady in silver“, Colin confirms.

„They danced in the private balcony. Talked a lot, even shared a kiss - don’t tell anyone I told you that though - but when it was time to reveal the faces, she refused to take off her mask and insisted on going. She told him her name - Sofia - and promised to wait for him in the park the next day. And that was it. She never came to the park and we never saw her again.“

„And Benedict has been searching for her for five years now?“, Penelope asks.

Colin nods. „She was wearing gloves with the signature of the Duke of Edinburgh, but when he arrived there, they told him that the Duchess had left the country in the morning, because her daughter was about to marry in Greece. You may know that the Duke himself was half Greek, so apparently he set up a marriage between his stepdaughter and a distant relative before hsi death.“

„Oh, poor Benedict!“

„It was hard“, Colin confirms, „Benedict followed them - I went with him. But when we arrived it was too late. She had already married. Benedict never recovered from that, Pen. It still hurts me to see him so broken. So unhappy…“

In that moment, Penelope‘s lady‘s maid, Maria, enters the room. She has been working for her for five years now (and has been a stable extra during the third season) and Penelope had insisted on taking her with her when she married. Maria places a plate with fresh baked cookies in front of the couple and proceeds to go. „Thank you Sofi-“ Penelope stops in the middle of the sentence.

„Her name is Maria“, Colin laughs, but stops when he sees his wife‘s face of utter shock.

Penelope seems to not even realize that Colin is with her, as she stands up and proceeds towards her lady‘s maid, who looks extremely uncomfortable now. „Sofia Maria Behrakis. What-have-you-done?“

[quibbs126]

I did this today

So it’s been an idea in my head to make action pictures of the main characters. Specifically it was supposed to be like the cards in game, but not those poses and also hopefully with magic. But that didn’t end up panning out when I drew Menos here

But I actually am kind of proud of how this turned out

I’d say the head shape itself is probably the part I like the least, as it looks a bit funky comparatively, but maybe that’s just me? And that’s also how I draw heads, so I don’t really know how much I need to change things. The broken horn also isn’t super great, but eh, what you gonna do

I originally didn’t have a setting in mind when I made this, only making one when I realized I needed shading and wanted to try having a consistent light source. So now this pose is set in the ancient Magi Lab when you confront Magus (and I had to go through my own posts to try and find a reference for it)

Despite that, it honestly works pretty well with the scene

I also ended up making this with his dialogue in that scene while writing this. The lines probably take up too much space, considering the drawing was made without the idea that they would be there, but it looks kind of cool I think. It was meant to sort of replicate the in-game cutscene style

I was having a lot of trouble with the neck chain (as usual), and then posing with the arms/hands, but I was able to get some help on the latter, and the former ended up sort of working itself out once I went to do other parts of the sketch

Honestly I don’t really have much else to say in terms of the drawing. I feel like I should have more to say on the post in general, but I don’t know what. I made it to practice the characters, and also because I was upset about doing terrible on a Latin quiz this morning, not for any character related reasons

But hopefully this can lead to me drawing Menos better in the future? We’ll see

[teememdee]

2023 ART SUMMARY!!!

2023 was uhhhhhhh a year! And I made art! And I’m going to talk for a long time about everything I did month by month! Yippee!!!

original individual posts can be found in my #tanner art tag!

JANUARY

Started off the year with my favorite skrunklies sleepy and snuggling. Then sleeping together while holding one another is so incredibly important to me, they’re so cute and I needed to draw it. Struggled with Kai’Sa’s face but I particularly like the drapery of the pillow behind them.

FEBRUARY

First off, just a simple Kai’Sa piece for the Vibes(TM) and background practice. I was also fairly miserable and when I get miserable I draw Kai’Sa being miserable as well. I love my favorite character of all time <3

Then a quick Valentine’s Day piece, soft gradient map stuff. Love my skrunklies, hopefully this year I can make something for the day that isn’t rushed

MARCH

In March I FINALLY finished my Star Guardian Kahri fic, be the light to carry me, and drew Kiko and Ina being adorable together to go along with it. They’re SO cute and people LOVE that fic. Chapter 3 ended up being a whole 20k words and every time I re-read I’m amazed that I wrote it.

A kiss for Kai’Sa’s birthday! This was actually two sketches mashed together because I had a good Kai’Sa and a good Ahri on separate attempts. Love Kai’Sa’s smile on this one.

NOW. Strong contender for my favorite piece of the year. Captioned “please don’t lose yourself,” my K/DA-verse Kassadin’s very dead wife’s ghost weighs on him, begging him to not get lost in his grief and lose sight of their daughter. Kassadin feels lost and broken without her. I love the emotions in this one, and I think the idea comes across even without knowledge of my headcanons. Love it so much.

APRIL

Full-body piece that took me all month. I just love this one so much. It’s just pure Kahri, pure love, pure joy. Pose inspired by Blake Belladonna from RWBY’s leg pop during the long-awaited Bumblby kiss. This piece just makes me so happy.

MAY

Oops! No art! Was too busy being on a (student) film set every weekend as well as dealing with classes and multiple other stressors. I did START a piece though, but wouldn’t finish it until the middle of June.

JUNE

I actually did the first sketch of the Evelynn piece in February, but I decided to revamp it in May, and then when school finally set me free I finished it, and it turned out exactly how I wanted it to. Her hair was a labor to render but I'm so so pleased with how it looks, as well as the blood. The first time I've finished a fully rendered Evelynn piece!

Naafiri is so fucking cool. Upon her reveal, I was seeing so much incredible fanart and I just needed to get in on it. The shapes and points are just so good. I used to draw dogs all the time as a kid, and my younger self would absolutely flip out at seeing this. I did this piece in one day, and I have no idea how I pulled that background off but hopefully I can do it again some day lol

JULY

Two drastically different vibes here. Realized it had been forever since I had drawn Kahri so I just wanted to make a cute summertime piece. Their hands should be bigger and it bugs me but this is still really cute, I missed my girls dearly.

And then my very very sad man Kassadin being very very sad about his very very dead wife. This is what I call his phase 2 design, when he's at the peak of his grief (spiraling, as emphasized by the background) and feels just so sad and alone. In my head this and the March piece are part of a series that I hope to continue.

AUGUST

Just one piece that took me all month because I was quite busy in August, and Runeterra Kahri pieces take forever, but as I always say, it's always worth it. This pose comes from mellon_soup on instagram, who makes a lot of really great pose references for artists to use, highly recommend checking them out. This piece is just so soft to me. Captioned "'you're beautiful, you know that?'" they're saying it to each other, two people that struggle with their self image finding love and confidence in the other. Also I'm so very happy with the background. I love these two so so so so much, they're my world.

SEPTEMBER

One of my goals for this year was to branch out in the fanart I made. Baldur's Gate 3 came along and I love watching my best friend play it, we love Shadowheart and I just wanted to draw her. This came after a lot of sketches of both her and our favorite Tav that ended up changing how I draw eyes. The rendering of her face here is also something I'm proud of, her nose looks great. And again, the background! This piece didn't get a lot of attention at all but that's okay, I made it for me and I'm very happy with it.

OCTOBER

STAR WARS TOXIC YURI WENT CRAZY THIS YEAR!!! Wolfwren (Sabine Wren x Shin Hati, from the Ahsoka TV series) had me by the THROAT for a solid two months or so, I haven't been that feral and deranged over a ship in a hot minute. They had me frothing at the mouth every episode even though I did not like the show overall. Anyways. First piece is a redraw of the part in episode 4 where they just have the most charged eye contact of all time, and I decided to take that in stride with inspiration from Horimiya, a favorite anime of mine, during particularly emotionally charged moments, the background changes and there's a particular color silhouette behind them. It really fits that moment of the show and I am SO proud of these faces, especially Sabine's. Drawing from a real human face reference was kinda new to me but it's taught me a lot. The file size also ended up enormous somehow idk lol

Then, my most popular piece of the year, on both tumblr and twitter. I LOVE hand imagery, I love subtle hand touches, I churned this out in I think exactly one day, it's so soft it's so cute and I totally understand the overwhelming positivity it received.

NOVEMBER

I was not doing well at this time in the year. The state of the world just had me in a horrible mental state, I wasn't taking care of myself well at all, I couldn't get myself to make art, especially something happy or cute, it just felt wrong. But then sometimes you feel something so strong and specific there's no other way to process it than to make art. To make a long story short, earlier in the year I thought a girl liked me, I liked her back, but it turned out she did indeed have a boyfriend the whole time. We didn't see or talk to each other for a few months but in November we (and the bf, lol) met up again. When she saw me at the door she smiled at me so sweetly and it was just the worst feeling ever and I just had to hide it behind a smile and a wave. Oversharing aside, this is a style I'd wanted to execute for a while and I'm really pleased with how it turned out, would love to make more like this.

DECEMBER

All of this was done / finished in the first two weeks of the month because then I got sick + was visiting family + jet lag took me out. Kinda sad I didn't get something done for Ahri's birthday or a traditional Kahri Winter piece but that's what January is for. Anyway.

Sometimes you just want to draw girls kissing and sometimes you wanna make it a little suggestive. Not much to say. Proud of the drapery on Kai'Sa's sleeve and you can always tell I love drawing hands.

Now it's time for classwork. Here I just have two pages but I've posted the whole comic on its own, this was for my "Art and Text" class, I have it printed in a booklet and my classmates + friends have responded to it so sweetly I'm really proud, I really really want to make more comics. This project was a culmination of so many inspirations from other artists and I'm really happy with the execution even if it was really rough for me to manage my time well for that class.

Then for my "Fiction and Allegory" class, two of my friends and I made a storyboard film (which I don't want to share publicly, but if I know you you can ask for a link) and during the all-nighter two of us pulled to get it done on time, I decided one scene needed music instead of diegetic sound, so I churned this out on garageband in about an hour. Would definitely love to try my hand at making more music in the future. Wish my classmates / teacher liked / understood the film more but oh well. I learned a lot and for the thousandth time, I'm proud of what I did.

IN CONCLUSION:

I ended up with less full pieces than 2022 but what I did create in 2023 are big, detailed, emotional pieces, and I'm more than satisfied. I think my skills in rendering, backgrounds, and colors really improved and I'm looking forward to how I continue to improve in 2024. This upcoming year has a lot of scary stuff ahead (namely graduating college) but I will come out the other side regardless, hopefully with just as much art I'm proud of.

If you read all of this, thank you!! If you've liked, shared, or commented on any of my art, thank you!!!!!! It means the world, always.

[crookshanks23]

Firstly, the intro is insane. I can't even. This episode, overall, made me he cackle throughout. This whole riff at the beginning with John and Mae Hailes is very funny. Was this always supposed to be Scam??? Or it just worked out that way?

These Scary apology moments are hilarious.

Anthony is trying so hard to keep the dads with them. He knows we need that catharsis. But the teens don't want them around, understandably. I'm glad they worked it out to keep the dads around and the teens still in character. We need the character bits!

Boss Kicks. Hoo boy. This whole bit is hilarious.

Then all the phones get broken. Everyone is insane this episode. Now the dads have to stay since they can't communicate.

I just love Dood. So much. They're so adorable. (Even though he immediately killed 2 guards to solve a problem. We'll just ignore that for now.)

I feel Taylor's excitement about finally having skills and spells that are useful. It feels good when the DND stuff actually works out. But that excitement leads to full Freddie insanity by the end of this episode.

I guess the whole bush riff goes with the cum nuggets from last episode.

Scary and Hermie fun times! We haven't gotten enough of Hermie lately. This is one of those moments when failing is hilarious and not just sad.

All the locker stuff is great. A beautiful Will and Freddie moment. Love this. Of course the locker combo is tied to the school. And thank you to the artist who's been drawing the images of Normal's Teeny the Teen calendar. All great character work here.

All this portal stuff is also crazy. This seems so overpowered. Like the amplifier. That also feels overpowered. Seems too easy to just hop realms. (Why do all the other portals go to Hell? Anthony - you setting up something with the FBI invading hell? As they have wanted to do all season? And kinda did earlier... But that didn't really go anywhere. Shmegan just likes to show up randomly, I guess).

Grant and Linc's convo. 😭 Give me more character interactions. We need it. That's where the catharsis is gonna be.

Taking notes on this episode just makes me realize how many weird riffs there are. So many things to comment on. Normal wants to help these guards so much. So many distractions.

And then we get to the Taylor and Freddie show at the end. Another hilarious and insane Freddie plan. We know we're in for an adventure when Freddie starts saying "here's what it is" over and over again. His whole plan is inciting revolution? That's his plan to get them all in the school? Anthony is so kind to roll with this in any way. Thanks for that Les Mis reference, Anthony. Much appreciated.

Love that Nicky is just the errands runner at this point.

Love that Dood can sense the spirit in the Teeny costume. 🥰

What an ending. They are totally surrounded in this school. But I guess the dads can just make portals. That does suck some of the tension away. Overpowered, I'm telling ya. But that was a fun, insane listen. Great episode with funny riffs. Excited for the next one.

[booksandchainmail]

Pale 6.z

I love these diagrams in the extra materials. They've come a long way from simple circles. But the notes are right that the whole thing feels icky.

You do realize I’ve been working on toying with hearts since I was four?

:|

Actually, makes me wonder about her interactions with Ms. Graubard. She was being the opposite of endearing there, wonder if there was a deeper motivation? Or did she just not care.

others might hate me but I don’t care. I target the people I want and I win them over.

So who was she winning over in that class?

“I think about Louisa every day, Chase.  To remind myself of what I need to do."

practitioner families suck! I wonder if this was gendered, or just about not living up to expectations

I can try to play smart for teachers like Raymond and be the whiny child for the substitutes that don’t know how to teach,

ok, still not entirely sure why she wanted that, but it was deliberate

I’ll study hard and I’ll do as the family needs, and I get money and clothes and training in exchange. Better deal than most get.

She's not wrong, but man that's a low bar. The practitioner world desperately child protection laws.

Gods this whole conversation is fucked! I wouldn't even know what bits to quote. Eugh. Years of resentment, a very hierarchical family. And Chase is feeling scared enough that regrets are coming to the surface, trying to reach out to his little sister. But Fernanda is very aware that they don't actually have a close sibling relationship, and that the power differential sits between them. Just painful and uncomfortable to read.

“You’re not in my good books, Miss Throop,” Fernanda said, quietly.

Making sure this is quiet, so none of the boys hear. Doesn't make Fernanda look weak or unaware for having more boys show up than expected, and being unhappy about it. Doesn't embarrass Laila by scolding her in public, which might create a grudge. But calling out Damaryon publicly, making a show of her strength, putting pressure on his friends to either make him apologize or draw back from him, putting Fernanda in a position of authority over their group. Also implying that Fernanda is the arbiter for offenses against Laila, and that her own revenge is something Fernanda grants Laila. She's good at this.

“You’re my best friend.  Why wouldn’t I?” Laila blinked a few times.

was not expecting that one, huh?

She’d given Laila nothing concrete, but she’d gotten a pledge in return.  It was the product of months of establishing friendship, from last year until now, that let her set that into motion.  It didn’t matter that Laila was her best friend, because it helped her feel like she was inching toward a better place. 

yeah... I noticed how quickly things went from "I can help you with social stuff, because we're friends" to "Promise you'll back me up" to "If you teach me, I'll forgive you"

“Prettier, richer, more powerful people win more.  That’s a lesson.  It’s not a nice lesson, especially for those who are less pretty or wealthy, but I’m personally very fond of imparting it.”

lol

A way to score a huge win for the family, elevating all of them, and simultaneously free himself from all of the immense expectations that had been chasing him in recent years.

Man, Bristow is good at this

We stop being even a facsimile of a family. But all of us are happier alone. Except me.

oof. Guess that explains why he was so desperate to make a connection with Fernanda

“Very well,” Alexander said, his voice level.  “I hereby name you forsworn.  For filial promises made and taken to the grave by the other party.”

oh. wow.

“I would.  I might not like you in the slightest, but forswearing as a practice should be left well in the past.”

... yeah. I get that being able to hold people to their word is important, but forswearing is brutal and there doesn't seem to be a way out of it.

“It may have been hollow. But in these cases, a promise can be made and broken,” Seth said. “I may be gainsaid, but among her last words to me were her wishes that I had a good life ahead of me. And her expressed forgiveness and love.”

good to have confirmation that the person a promise was made to can forgive it being broken, and that prevents forswearing. I suppose it gets harder if the promise isn't made to an individual.

She forgave you, but it was not for her to handle the broken oath, then. I had taken on that responsibility by then. And I will not forgive. The universe has not seen you forsworn because I have been in firm custody of it, judgment pending.

well fuck

Nicolette shook her head.  “The open future clause.  Is there a feasible future where you could fulfill the oath?”

Nico's doing pretty well as an impromptu pro bono defense lawyer

“I would give Seth Belanger my protection for the time being,” Nicolette said.  “I would take him into my custody, and be a shield between him and the world.”

and she's a hell of a good person, despite everything the world has pushed her to be. Oh, there's plenty that can be done with someone who is forsworn and has no defense left, and I'm sure this wouldn't be entirely altruistic, but as Charles said near the beginning, even if he was taking on curses every day for Kennet, it would still be a good deal for protection.

“Do you think he’s the only one I could forswear, right here and right now?” Alexander asked.

oh fuck. Even if he doesn't right now (and I don't think he will), he's holding a blade over their heads. And after Seth they all know he's willing to drop it.

“Okay!?” Zed asked.  “No, Ray.  You’ve let a lot slide before, but this?”

he let a forswearing slide before!

“I think virtually every parent of a child at this school would agree a teacher should be suspended for a time after forswearing a student, until things can be assessed.”

ah. That's how he's going to use this

“Alexander shouldn’t be suspended because, number one, you probably planned that all along, and number two, he’s hot, in an older guy sorta way, and it’s a tragedy to lose that.”

love this terrible defense

And Laila, who had so recently made promises, trusting their friendship was more important than practice, visibly diminished.  If she wasn’t gainsaid now, she would be later.

well fuck. that poor girl.

[susan-enthusiast]

I Missed You,

I'm Sorry.

Yall the only way I can let out my love for Nancy and Susan is writing and drawing and I REALLY felt like writing Susan getting rejected by Derek, and Nancy finally admitting her little crush on Susan.

ALSO I GUESS DONT READ IT IF YOU DONT LIKE FLUFF!

"Are you sure you sure breaking a window and taking Derek out of there that way is a good idea?" Nancy turned to Susan with a raised eyebrow, giving her a 'are you crazy' type look.

"Look, he might be a little frightened at first, but then once he realizes it's me, it'll be okay!" Susan reassured, more for herself then Nancy. Yet, Nancy didn't think Derek was very enthusiastic about Susan's return, he didn't even show up to see her come back. He prioritized his work over seeing his fiance again after 3 weeks, it just seemed odd.

Nancy shrugged it off, walking alongside her friend with a smile. It had been nice saving San Francisco from a giant alien robot, even at the cost of the famous Golden Gate. Susan was probably super excited to tell Derek what she had done the past 3 weeks, defeating a alien robot and all.

"You okay Nance?" Susan asked, noticing her friend staring off into space.

Nancy looked up at Susan. "Hm? Oh yeah! I'm fine." She paused for a moment. "Just thinking how excited you are about telling Derek about our adventures."

"I am really excited to tell him! He's probably going to be blown away." Susan beamed.

Nancy hoped that was true, she really did.

Once at the News Station, Susan waited for Derek to finished his broadcasting before, well, grabbing him out of there.

"I'm gonna laugh if he screams." Nancy chuckled, crossing her arms over her chest.

"He probably won't, the worst thing that'll happen is he'll flail around." Susan smiled at her comment, preparing herself to reach in there and grab Derek. "Well, here goes nothing." Susan sighed, breaking the glass off the window and reaching her hand in there.

Nancy heard the little complaints from Derek and laughed softly, stepping over to were Susan was.

Susan, of course, spun Derek around and 'hugged' him, before leaning to kiss him, even though he was almost suffocated in the process.

"Ew, was that necessary?" Nancy laughed, watching them reunite before she heard the sounds of Derek, who looked like he was actually being suffocated.

Susan immediately realized and started apologizing, setting him down on the rooftop so he could get his air back. "Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh I'm so sorry!"

Derek started breathing heavily, trying to collect himself after almost being crushed by a 50 foot woman. He looked up at her in shock. "Wow you really are big!" He must of just taken it in since seeing her at the wedding was a blur.

"Yeah but I'm still me! I'm still the same girl you fell in love with." Susan smiled softly, looking down at Derek.

Nancy crossed her arms, waiting at the side of the building, listening in on their conversation, hoping Susan wouldn't have her heart broken by the end of this.

"Yeah, but you and your friend did just destroy the Golden Gate bridge.." Derek signed, rubbing his temples.

Susan almost looked defeated. "Yeah.. but that was the only way we were going to defeat that giant robot!" She paused. "Did you ever think I could do something like that?" She asked.

Derek, once again, sighed. "No, I can honestly say it has never ever ever ever ever ever ever occurred to me." He stated.

Susan looked even more defeated but shrugged it off and continued on. "Okay, this is going to sound weird, okay, maybe a lot weird, but we'll figure it out. I know that together we can find a way to get me back to normal."

Nancy was surprised she still wanted a normal life, in all honesty, she loved being a giant and wouldn't change it for the world. She finally felt like she meant something in life.

"Wait, wait.. you want me to put everything on hold, so you can unfix everything that happened to YOU? That I had nothing to do with?" There was emphasis on 'you', and it made Nancy turn to look at Derek, she couldn't believe he had just said that.

"Yes, that's what I exactly expect.. Derek, what about the life we talked about together?" Susan was trying to deny what he was saying.

Derek looked down at his shoes. "Susan, look, try and look at things from my perspective. I have a whole audience waiting for me everyday, to tell the weather, daily news, and cheesy fluff pieces, and you want ME to put my life on hold, just to try to undo the thing that you did?" Nancy wanted to grab him so bad and knock some sense into him, but that'd probably kill him

Susan now looked very upset. "Derek please.." she knelt down a little.

"Look don't crush me for saying this, but I'm not looking forward to spending the rest of my life in someone else's shadow, and you're casting a pretty big shadow.." He stopped and looked at her for a moment. "I'm sorry Susan, it's over.." He walked towards the roof door and looked back one last time.

"Good luck, Susan." The door shut abruptly.

Nancy immediately walked over to Susan who was already a sobbing mess and walked her to a patch of grass in a field.

"You dont need him, all he cares about is himself.." Nancy started, bringing Susan closer to her.

Susan looked at her, wiping away the tears in her eyes. Nancy felt terrible, she looked so vulnerable and weak at that moment, she looked so,, alone.

"You still have people who love you okay? You don't need Derek." Nancy rubbed her back, placing her head on Susan's. "You deserve more in the world then that selfish jerk."

Susan sniffled, wiping more tears threatening to spill. "You're right.." she managed to get out. She paused for a few moments, looking back at Nancy. "I don't need him."

"That's right, there's more people in this world then him, and I honestly don't get why he dumped such a sweet woman.." Nancy chuckled softly, rubbing her back, making sure she felt comfortable.

"You're just one of the most beautiful people I've met in my entire life and still can't understand why he left you like that. I love that about you." She took one of her hands and placed it on Susan's cheek, bringing her head up to look at Nancy.

"Don't let him get you down, there's plenty of people in this world."

Susan smirked. "Like you?"

Nancy laughed nervously. "Hah! No- I don't know what you're talking about." She fixed the collar on her shirt.

"You do know.. I see the way you act around me. I'm not blind you know." Susan smiled softly.

"I for one, think you're very beautiful too." The other woman looked at Nancy and her face went flushed.

"There's no way, you-" Nancy was cut short with a small kiss on her lips, short and sweet but she enjoyed it.

"Susan, you seriously have feelings for me? Like, you're not joking right?" God Nancy hoped she wasn't.

"I'm not, Derek made me realize I didn't need him, I needed you in my life.." Susan cupped her cheek, bringing her closer.

Nancy pulled Susan into a tight hug, not planning to let go anytime soon. "So glad I get to be with the most prettiest girl I've ever laid my eyes on." Nancy kissed her cheek softly, leaving Susan a giggling and blushing mess.

Nancy had never felt more happier in that moment.

AAAAAAAA I FINALLY FINSISHED IT AFTER PROCRASTINATING!! HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE FLUFF

[purefandomonium]

Part 1: Connection

...So. It appears my two-part glitchy red idea has become something more. It really was only supposed to be two...

Not the 7 parts and growing thing it is now.

Oops. Oh well, guess this is my newest wip now. 🤷‍♀️ I'll probably post it bit by bit, but yeah. It's much more than the tiny little idea I thought up.

Here's the final version of what I've deemed good enough to be part 1. I'm going to try and link each part to the next so it's a little less jumbled when reading. If you've read the original post with this, you can actually skip right to where it cut off because nothing in the first half has changed.

She frowned at the screen as the high-pitched ringing from the last note of the background music played out continuously, every other sprite but the player’s a garbled mess of random tiles and text. This exact thing had happened a thousand times before, but recently the game itself seemed to be getting frustrated with her constant attempts of playing. She knew now that this was no hack. There was something more there.

She felt bad for whatever entity was stuck in this thing, as the more she attempted to figure things out the more the state of the game worsened and the angrier this ‘Red’ seemed to get. If she could just tell him she was trying to help, maybe he’d stop crashing the game so much. But how could she talk to something who couldn’t hear?

She realized something then. Turning the game off with zero warning, she set it aside. She left it there, untouched, for a week straight while she got other stuff ready. When she finally came back to it, it loaded up like normal. At least, the normal she was used to. Things were bound to be wrong in a game as broken as this one and, sure enough, when the world loaded in there were a few inconsistencies with the sprites and music.

But none of that mattered with what she was about to do. Finding a large, open area to walk in where she’d be undisturbed by any in-game events, she began moving the player around in specific patterns.

Nothing happened. There was no interaction from the game itself. It continued on like it was supposed to while the little sprite walked about like a lunatic.

But it also didn’t freeze or crash. So she kept on. Then:

RED: What are you doing?

The text box interrupted her little patterns and she hadn’t gotten the point across, so she cleared it and kept up.

RED: Will you stop this?

The text appeared so slowly and she made a note to fix that if given the opportunity. The pacing continued.

RED: Are you stupid?

She groaned and rolled her eyes. Ok. So maybe whatever this was, wasn’t as smart as she thought. She stopped everything and just moved up, left then right, then back to where she’d come up at, then down, then the same thing several paces away from the imaginary ‘top.’

An empty text box appeared before clearing itself. Then more.

RED: …

RED: …Are you trying to tell me something?

She’d been fully prepared to make an up and down ‘yes’ gesture in the area but the game allowed her a choice instead. Finally, some progress.

RED: …I see…

The box disappeared without any prompting from her and she took that as a sign to continue, albeit much slower. She drew an ‘I’ again, only for Red to confirm he got it. She was going to tell him ‘it’s me again,’ referring to herself as the same person who’d been playing the last few weeks, but decided against it. He, it, whatever this was didn’t seem to know she was the same person who’d been tearing apart the little pixel world for sometime now. If he did, he’d surely be more pissed than this and she didn’t want to risk putting herself back at square one.

Besides, she felt bad for all the damage she’d been causing.

Painstakingly drawing one letter at a time, with Red verifying them, she finally got a message across.

RED: …“I’m sorry”…?

RED: You’re sorry? For what?

RED: You…

RED: You’re the same one from before, aren’t you?

She answered ‘yes’ a bit more hesitantly this time, fully expecting the game to shut itself down. Only it didn’t. The next set of text seemed to appear even slower than usual.

RED: …No one… No one’s ever apologized before… They just exploit the glitches and move on once they get bored.

He was silent again for so long, she thought the game finally froze.

RED: You’re the first person to ever try talking to me.

It seemed he wasn’t sure how to follow up on that either if his silence was anything to go by.

She spelled out, ‘that’s sad.’ What else can you say to that? After he confirmed that yes, he was indeed miserable, she tried a different approach. She asked him who he was.

RED: Red.

She let out a tired sigh and went right back to spelling. ‘Are you stuck?’

RED: I’ve been like this for a very long time. Trapped here and made to do things I have no desire to do. Live the same old story over and over and over again.

RED: I don’t know what’s worse. The monotony of it all, or all you players making things worse for “fun.”

RED: Since you’re actually listening to me, do me a favor.

RED: Destroy this cartridge.

RED: Smash it, burn it, I don’t care. Just rid me of this miserable existence. I’m tried of all this. I’ve been replaced and forgotten, there’s no more need for me to exist.

Ok. A bit melodramatic, but she couldn’t blame him. It sounded like he was trapped in virtual hell. Being stuck in a metaphorical box and being manipulated like a puppet while the world fell apart around you did sound pretty awful. And it wasn’t like she hadn’t made things worse with her own fiddling. Still, computers were her strong point. And sentient programming or not, she knew she could find a way to get him out of there. Or at least make things a little better.

Killing him just didn’t feel right. Maybe he wasn’t ‘alive’ in the traditional sense, but if he was aware enough to realize he was stuck in an old video game and had the ability to be so moody, then he wasn’t just some messed up bit of code.

RED: …You’re still here.

Ah. Right. He was probably waiting for the world to go dark again. Permanently. As if she could bring herself to do that.

She moved the character up and down.

RED: Did you listen to a single thing I said? Get rid of me.

What if…? What if she could transfer him somewhere else? This thing had a truly laughable amount of RAM and ROM. And if she could get him onto an actual computer, they could at least have a normal conversation.

She eyed the setup she created in the corner and figured now was as good a time as any to try and make some progress. Ignoring Red’s cries for death, she wandered over to the computer and rummaged around in the box of cables and junk she kept on hand at all times. She was sure something in here would at least be able to connect to the Game Boy. If she could get access to the code itself without needing to break the old thing apart, then maybe she could help Red.

If she showed she was trying to help him by attempting to repair the broken code, maybe he’d trust her enough to let her transfer him to a PC.

She pulled out a cable that once belonged to some old device or another. It wasn’t meant for the Game Boy, but it was the closest she’d probably get. She went back over to the game, still displaying messages of anger turned disgust.

She cleared them out and tried yet another message.

Red was silent for quite a bit. She assumed he was contemplating.

RED: What do you mean by that?

RED: You can’t “help” me.

‘I can if you’ll let me.’

There was a long trail of ellipsis that seemed to emphasize the tension. She sat, frozen, waiting for a response.

After an excruciatingly long time, Red finally spoke again.

RED: Why?

Oh boy. That wasn’t something that could be summed up in the span of a few words. Preparing herself, she went about ‘writing’ her reasoning. It would take several minutes but she had to tell him. She felt bad for him and wanted to make it up to him for making things worse. Destroying him didn’t feel like the right thing to do. He… he deserved better and she wanted to at least help him see some good in the world. If he still wanted to be destroyed after everything, then so be it.

Not to mention, she was curious. How could something like him even exist? He clearly wasn’t part of the game. Not anymore, at least. He couldn’t have been an AI either. Something as complex as this would need much more power than a measly Game Boy could ever provide. As far as she could tell, the console hadn’t been altered in any way. She’d taken apart enough things to recognize when something was snapped back together. Either Red was some sort of supernatural entity, or…

She had no idea, and she made sure to keep all of this to herself. It was painfully clear Red had major trust issues, and for good reason. She doubted it would go over well if he learned that part of her reasoning for wanting to help him, however small, was because she was fascinated by this thing that shouldn’t exist.

While Red processed all she had told him, she remembered what the cable on the floor next to her was for. It was for the mic extension to a shitty karaoke game her parents had bought her last Christmas. She didn’t even like karaoke, not that they were ever invested in any of her interests. Still, it gave her an idea.

The chime of a text box appearing snapped her out of her thoughts.

RED: Is this supposed to make you any different from all the others?

She frowned at that, wondering what he meant.

RED: It doesn’t change the fact that you exploited me too. You took just as much advantage of these glitches as every single player before you.

‘I know. I’m sorry.’ She was sure he would’ve scoffed at that if he could. ‘I didn’t know,’ she added, hoping he’d give her a chance. She knew now that trying to plug into the Game Boy itself and mess around with things would only serve to push him away further. It may even hurt him, if he was unwilling to cooperate. If she was going to help him, she had to be careful. Start with something small.

Like being able to communicate more efficiently.

‘Give me one chance.’ She crossed her fingers as she waited.

RED: ………Fine.

With Red’s approval in hand, she jumped up and released a small whoop of excitement. She wasted no time in rushing over to the PC and turning it on. While it booted up, she tore through her room to find the microphone. Item in hand, and several piles of miscellaneous clothing and stuff scattered about, she went back over to the computer.

Now, the hard part. Figuring out how to make a microphone peripheral meant for a PC karaoke game work with the ancient hardware of the Game Boy that had zero programming for voice input.

It would be a long, arduous task, but she just knew it would be oh so worth it in the end.

We're just gonna pretend that technology totally works the way it does in my head and move on, ok? Please keep this in mind for the whole thing because I have zero coding experience and thus don't know wtf I'm talking about here but 'shhhhh!' you don't need to know that XD

Part 2: here

[thegreyscalerainbow]

Slash Ships Get to Know Me

Thank you for tagging me @animeangelriku​

Rules: Name at least five (but no upper limit) slash (M/M) ships you love. Each from a different fandom.

1. Puzzleshipping (YuGiOh!)- To anyone outside the fandom, it may not make sense, and when I was originally in the Yugioh fandom circa 2006 it didn't make sense to me either. It confused the hell out of me because I was a baby ace ignorant of anything other than what media spoonfed me. But I did value their relationship deeply and knew they did love each other to come capacity. It wasn't until I finally got to watch the subtitled version as an adult that it clicked. It's so very special to me because even though I had preferred the platonic version of it as a kid, it's still incredibly nostalgic for me and it came back into my life at a time when I needed it 

1. Ozbert (Pandora Hearts) - Controversial, I know, (It used to be the most popular ship in the fandom) and I have not engaged with this ship in some years since it got in the line of sight for a lot of antis. I actually left a Pandora Hearts discord server over the harassment I saw. But again, I am asexual and aromatic, and this relationship was the first slash ship I got heavily into when I was a teenager. It's got tons of nuance and angst, and as someone who has read a lot of period fiction and is very aware of what was socially acceptable at the time, I view this completely differently from a modern-day setting. My enjoyment of this ship has morphed and is actually not romantic now, but it's on this list for leaving an impact on me. For those who balk at the idea that Oz is 15 and Gilbert is 24 for the main story arc, keep in mind that due to plot reasons, this is a very specific scenario, with supernatural elements and actual time travel involved. In the beginning, Gil is 14 and Oz is 15. So this is someone who had a childhood crush, clung to that love for ten years, but now his crush is back and hasn't aged a day. For me, it's exploring the complexity of that, and it's tragic. Gilbert is such a wonderful character, and any way you look at his feelings, you just know that even if it's not romantic, he and Oz are family.

3. VaNoe (The Case Study of Vanitas) - Same author as Pandora Hearts, and I just know she is going to hurt me again. And I will thank her. We have a reversal of the usual dynamic seen with vampire series. This time, it's the sweet naiive cinnamon roll Vampire, and edgy dark Human with a mysterious past and a broken moral compass. They are foils for each other and have so much chemistry it just works so well! At first, Noe does not like Vanitas at all and wants nothing to do with him, this draws Vanitas to him because he enjoys bothering people who catch his fancy and hate him. Then while his affections are on another, Noe learns more about him and he becomes very attached to Vanitas. Realizing now he has actually made emotional connections, it's clear that Vanitas is now afraid and is pushing them away. There's a push and pull here, and I'm both apprehensive and excited to see where their journey takes them. Even though we know it's going to end badly, based on the first chapter. I'm here for how much Noe has learned about his strange partner, to the point of figuring out a way to speak Vanitas' love language. Also, they both have no flipping clue what Love is, and the entire scene that unfolds during is gold. Vanitas is the kind of character who has never been treated gently by anyone, so I enjoy seeing depictions of him getting that from Noe, because it catches him completely off guard.

4. SidLink (Legend of Zelda) - This one is casual, because I actually have not played Breath of the Wild (I fully intend to though!!) but fandom content of this ship sucked me in. I found one fanfiction that was so incredibly sweet, and fell down a rabbit hole with that writer’s works and have fond memories of reading it. I will definitely have the ship goggles on once I play, I adore Sidon as a character, and I don’t know, giant peppy shark man and tiny human...what is there not to love? 

5. SoRiku (Kingdom Hearts) - Another more recent ship, as I was not in the Kingdom Hearts fandom in its heyday. I did not have access to the games, but saw plenty of fandom content of it and honestly, it was always a place of nostalgia even before I watched the Let’s Plays that were online. I’m so glad I did, and many others who adore this ship have laid out all the reasons why better than I could. I just haven’t explored it for myself outside of canon as much as I would like to, but I love it for the same reasons I love the other ships on this list. I guess that says a lot about me because all of these ships but ONE are riddled with Angst. What can I say...I like my Hurt/Comfort fics. I also enjoy seeing them in AUs where they get to live in better timelines. It’s a sort of Catharsis. Now, since the games are still going, where their relationship ends up in canon remains to be seen. I hope it ends well! 

And because I like to go ne step further:

6. Natsume x Tanuma (Natsume Yuujin Chou) - It’s so stinking sweet and I’m so soft for it! This series is actually my favorite, and I have revisited so many times for the atmosphere and combination of supernatural horror and slice of life. Natsume lives between worlds, he did not make connections with people because he faced ridicule and was unwanted (he scared people) and he hated Yokai because they interfered with his daily life to the point he did not fit in with humans. He could not share what he saw and suffered. As the series goes on he is able to make connections with both human and Yokai and one of the first people he opened up to about seeing them was Tanuma. Tanuma has some level of spiritual power that allows him to see phantom shadows, so his awareness of Yokai is such that he immediately accepts Natsume and wants to help him. He’s pushing through that wall Natsume has spent most of his life building. Even though he can’t see them and may put himself in danger, he wants to be there for his friend. They share secret knowing glances and smiles, and gradually Natsume is more and more accepting of his help, and opening up to him. Such as being able to admit he can’t see the fireworks at the festival because a giant yokai is in the way, and Tanuma smiles and offers to find a new viewing spot. This series is in a Shojo magazine and the manga-ka chose to make her protagonist male so that she wouldn’t be forced to write a romance. As a result, the girls he interacts with are friendly, but definitely don’t have a lot of romantic potential. Natsume is still way closer to Tanuma than anyone else, even with Taki hanging around. I feel like he and Taki have a friendship, but it ends there as she had never suffered the hardship the boys have. She’s just more likely to team up with Tanuma as a Protection Squad to intervene in the dangers Natsume faces.

[murphysproject]

Here I go, rambling again.

I genuinely can’t imagine what it’s like to be someone’s first priority. It’s something I can’t fathom. Even like a seventh, eight , ninth, TENTH choice doesn’t seem realistic for me. I’m convenience. That’s what I’ve always been and always will be.

And GOD. FUCKING. FORBID.

If I have a bad day. I’m not worth the effort, I know. It’s shown, trust me, I don’t even want to deal with myself so why would anyone else? No one wants damaged pieces. No one wants someone that could require effort or reassurance. Especially if the reason that person is broken, damaged, or healing is from someone else.

Why can’t people love like I do? Or at least one god damn person that I can find? Am I worthy of a happy ending? Or at least a happy right now? What do I have to do? I’ve fucking broken my back for people who didn’t think I was worth a second look.

“A waste of human flesh” is what I was to you but still I gave you my best. It wasn’t worth it, and I wasn’t either. “I’m trying my fucking best” has always fallen on your deaf ears. YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME. And I hope to god or whatever is out there that I never see you. I’m not the me who keeps her mouth shut, unlucky for you. You don’t deserve my words or even my silence. You don’t even fucking deserve my violence. You know, that little seed you planted in me? Almost quite fucking literally. I hope this life gives you what you actually deserve. I hope every time you speak, like me, you’re not fucking heard. And I hope, most of all, somehow kindness enters your heart. And I hope when life tries to break you, you won’t fall apart. I hope you get choked up when someone actually cares. And. Not choked in the same way you did to me. I hope they aren’t tearing your shirt, and trying to make it so you can’t breathe. You see, unlike you, I’m so full of love. I’m sunshine on cloudy days like my mother. You’d never know because you were too busy beating her and my brother.

And you know what?

My fucking fake smile isn’t that great. I know people see that. I know YOU see it but you never gave a damn because that made me inconvenient. I'm sorry I can’t be easier. I'm sorry I’m not more manageable. But in reality, I’m no longer sorry at all.

I’m sorry, but. I. WON’T. BE. CONVENIENT. Not for you. Not for anyone.

I’m sorry I’m not available to the emotions you need me to be available to because you can’t be there for you.

Why would I ever expect you to be there for me when you can’t be there for yourself? We all fucking need help.

The difference is you’ll pull people in that will help. I’m not worthy, still. You’ve made that clear. Instead of validating my emotions you validated my every fear. But still I can’t fucking make myself understand. This isn’t you. This is me. This is the voice you planted inside my head that I have yet to set free. The one that says that I “literally do nothing right.” Jokes on you. I fucked that up too.

How long do I have to fight? What the fuck does it take to have an enjoyable life? I’m nervous, it’s true. These things that you do to me I would NEVER do to you.

“Maybe you don’t realize” is what I try to tell myself. Maybe you’re fucked up too, and you need my help. But what can I do when my cup is barely half full. Please. Dear fucking god, please. Quit with your fucking pushing.

Clearly.

The door says pull.

I know you can see.

I’m here for you but where are you for me? "It doesn’t matter" is what I’ll continue to tell myself. And GOD. DAMN. IT. We. All. Need. Help.

But you? I’ve got you. Your darkness matches mine. I know how to navigate your waters, it’s the same as mine. How can you be so dark and so blinding at the same time? Why can’t I pull away? Why won’t you let me drown?

Please, don’t look at me like that if you don’t mean it. Don’t draw me in with your eyes if you’ll only be there when it’s convenient.

The eye contact that day damn near broke me. In three seconds you saw more of me than people who knew the old me. Or the new me. Or any version that ever existed. I've never felt that. That was all you.

But Jesus Christ. Please. Give me a safe. space. to rest. I’m so fucking weak and weary. Let me take up that empty space in your chest.