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julesdelorme · 4 years ago

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before

there was a before.i am trying to remember that there was a time before.was i happy then. could i have been. i cannot imagine having ever been happy or having a reason to be happy but i must have been happy sometimes.before.before the darkness before it all went so dark did i know the light. did i treasure the light or did i take it for granted because i did not know how dark the world would become.i can’t remember that.i try so hard to remember how it felt before the darkness but i can’t remember it.i can’t remember there ever having been more light than darkness.i can’t remember that.the before.i know it happened. i know the details i remember the details of the before but i cannot remember how it felt.the darkness is so heavy now that i cannot remember it ever having not existed.that there was a before.i know that there was a before and i can say that there was a before but what it was like then what it was like for there having ever been a before. a time that i could breathe. a time when the world was innocent. so innocent. so blind. a time when you were here and not just a memory not just the memory of you not just the memory of losing you of having you taken away from us from me. a time when i thought you would always be here. a time when i thought that you were safe. that we were safe.i can’t imagine ever having believed that.i can’t remember a time when everything about you that i knew was not the loss of you.a time before.it doesn’t seem real. it doesn’t seem like it could possibly be real. it doesn’t seem like we could have ever been that innocent that blind that blissfully ignorant. when we had no idea what was to come.a time before the darkness.a time before you were taken away.it doesn’t seem real. that there was a before. it doesn’t seem like it could possibly be real.it seems that i am nothing more than darkness now. it seems that all that i have left is the darkness. the pain. the shattered soul.how can there be anything left of me but that.how can the all-encompassing misery possibly leave room for anything else.time and time again i set out to end it all i have set aside the pills and even have a good strong rope and a place to hang it from. time and time again i set out to step into traffic or let myself drop in front of a speeding train but something and i don’t know what that something is what it can possibly be that is keeping me here that makes me draw that next breath other than cowardice or a deep abiding in my own pain.i do not want to be here.i do not want to be anywhere without you.if there is an afterlife and if you are not there or if i cannot find you there then i do not want to be there either.there is nothing left to me but the emptiness and the longing for you.the priests speak to me of heaven and the elders speak to me of the places where the spirits dwell but i do not believe them. i do not believe in anything except the darkness and the emptiness of having lost you.i try to believe but i cannot.my heart is too tired my soul too shattered to believe.if a person could die of heartache then i have died a thousand deaths.i don’t remember the last time i have eaten. i don’t remember the last time that i slept.there is food piled at my door rotting and some of those who have brought the food knocked on my door and some called out to me but i do not answer. i cannot answer. i cannot get up from the floor and turn on the lights or answer the phone. it hurts me to breathe. it afflicts me to be alive.without you.how can i be without you.how can anything be without you.there are moments when i think that you will walk through the door or that you are just in the next room and then the truth of it comes crashing down on me as if it was still new. i know that you are gone. i know it deep down in the bones of me that you are gone but some trick some blindness of my mind makes me forget it for the briefest of instance and each time each brief moment that i forget makes the agony of knowing that you are gone cleave at every molecule of me and i do not know what keeps me all glued together still.i exist for no good reason except that i do not know that not existing would be any better than this. i exist for no other reason that letting go is harder than dwelling in this pain and in this suffering.i do not say his name.i never ever say his name.not ever.i will not speak his name not ever because speaking his name makes him real gives him identity.he is the monster. he is the monster who took you away from me.i will not allow him to be human not in my mind not ever.he is the beast. and he will not be named.not by me. not ever.he may slouch not to Bethlehem but from his prison cell to the exercise yard for that one hour a day and be mistaken for human but no human could do what he did to you to an innocent child with all the hope and possibility in the world.no human could do that.no human would do that.no. i will not speak his name.i can only whisper your name.i cannot say it out loud. i have turned all of the pictures of you face down because i cannot look at them constantly but occasionally i turn one over and i stare at it and i weep and i remember you and i whisper your name so softly that no one can hear it but me.that is all that i can stand.my dear my darling i will never stop loving you with all my heart and all my soul but i cannot bring myself to say your name too loudly or look at your pictures again and again. i am not trying to forget you. no. no. never will i try to forget you it is just that even the softest whisper of your name rends and rips at everything about me.you haunt me.but i would rather you haunt me than that i ever forget you. i could not bear that. i cannot bear even the thought of forgetting you.i cannot bear even the thought of forgetting him or of my hatred my rage dulling even the slightest bit.i live off of that hatred.i feed off of that rage.the taste of either of them is far better than the taste of my grief but even that even the grief is far better than nothing at all.i find myself sometimes frozen in place as i stare at a photograph of you or just imagine you and wonder at the smallness of you the fragileness and the innocence. how could someone see those things and want to take them away how could anyone look at your small sweet body and want to harm it in any way.i almost want to understand him.i almost want to understand him not to dull my hatred or my rage but so that i can understand a world that would take you away from me.i almost want to understand that world but i do not want to live in it.i have stood on the rooftop so many times. i have stood teetering on one more step into traffic or onto the subway tracks. i have opened the bottle of pills and i look at them longingly but the what ifs give me pause. what if there is a world after this one and it does not include you. what if death is nothing more than a sleep and the nightmares are eternal. perchance to dream. what if the taking of my own life precludes me from going to the same place as you. it is not so much that i cling to life as that i cling to my rage and my hatred and my grief and what if stepping over that edge means letting go of those things.what if it means i lose all memory of you.oh my darling my sweet little child i cannot lose any memory that i have of you because that is all that i have left.i want nothing more than to be haunted by you forever.because that’s all that i have left of you.that’s all that i will ever have left of you.i go to sleep and pray that tonight is not the night that i lose some part of you in my memory. i pray that i will dream only of you. even if the dream is bad it would be better than not dreaming of you because that would mean that some part of my mind some part of me has fastened to something other than you other than the memory of you and i could not bear the knowledge of that i could not bear that there is part of me that is letting you go even if it is just the smallest part of me because tomorrow it will be a larger part and the day after that an even larger part and then i will have moved on and i have no desire to move on i am terrified of moving on without you.my darling.my sweet little child.my everything.my everything.how do i go on living without you.how do i go on being without you.people say words to me trying to bring me comfort but they do not seem to understand that i do not want comfort i do not want to ever be comforted again i only want you and if i cannot have you then i only want the memory of you if i cannot go back in time to the moment before all the moments that led to the losing of you before then i want this my pain my suffering my agony because it is the agony of you the memory of you and if i can have nothing else then i only want to be haunted by you now and forever more i do not want their words of comfort and i do not want their sympathy or their kindness i do not want them i only want you or whatever small part of you that is left i would rather the pain of your memory than the comfort of forgetting of letting you go.i do not want to move on.i do not want to move on.what i want is before.and i cannot have before.i cannot have before.i cannot have you back.i cannot ever have you back.no.so i will sit here in the darkness with your memories with the pain and the horrible emptiness and i will be haunted by you.because that is all that i have left.because that is all that i have left.the before.the memories of before.that there was a before.that there was a you.that before all this there was a you.before all this.that there was a before all this.that there was a before all this.

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