#dont talk to me about sweden ive moved on

[slavhew]

Winner Winner Pina Colada Dinner

[acreaturecalledgreed]

i think, other than the prevalence of often unchecked white supremacy in these communities, i finally realized what it is about so many american norse heathens that gets so under my skin

its that majority of them dont give a shit about the current cultures that are in scandinavia

sure you read the edda like 15 times but do you know literally anything about norway? sweden? denmark? who lives there? what its like there? 

you “corrected” me for “incorrectly” calling christmas Jul, but do you not realize that in scandinavia many old pagan norse traditions have long since fused with christianity? that in norway, christmas is a one to two week long affair that is collectively called Jul? do you not realize that? 

you want to reclaim your culture but have you put in the effort to learn anything about it other than an american filtered pile of exclusively ancient traditions? did you double and triple check that those things have not been twisted and co-opted by nazis? are you loud and vocal in making that space unwelcome to them? 

im sorry that over generations this country stole all this from you to force your family into cohesive, identityless Whiteness

and you shouldnt be barred from trying to reconnect to your culture. its a good thing. i want you to. and honestly i dont think anyone should need to be of norse descent to get to be a part of it. 

but it is always going to leave a bad taste in my mouth when you approach it with some kind of mindset that you, american obsessing exclusively over ancient norse history, act like you are in some way More Accurately And Truly Norse than the actual literal people living in scandinavia today 

and there is a personal aspect to it as well, one i know a lot of ppl can understand

this country is extremely xenophobic and no, xenophobia is not the same as racism, though they often do overlap i am very much a white person, i have never and will never had to deal with any racism

i am a very privileged person; im a white person who grew up upper middle class with a loving and generous family, and this is in no way denying that 

but i am a norwegian person who grew up in america who faced the brunt end of a lot of xenophobia

peers who mocked me when i tried to share traditions and cultures, who told me i was weird or gross

id come home crying the first years after we moved here, embarrassed that i was norwegian, because that made me Different and Bad and Weird

people who spoke to my mother like an idiot because she has an accent, who wanted to “borrow” her bunad, the cultural dress she got fucking married in, to wear to a fucking costume party, who talked so often to her about how Glad they were that she got the Privilege to move to America and away from such a Poor country like norway when she didnt even want to leave her home at the age 45 and only left because my father had to go back to the states

people who were outright harsh and cruel to us for literally no reason other than we Weren’t American Enough (and for that matter, ive had to deal with it on the other end to- Norwegians telling me im stupid and ignorant because Im American and im Not Norwegian Enough, it makes me want to tear all my hair out and scream) it makes me

so bitter

to see those same people who i know were xenophobic to my family b/c we did not fit exactly into American Whiteness now hyper consume and wear norse paganism with pride and in the same breath tell me that i am being norse Wrong

i want to make clear that i am not crying appropriation. i genuinely feel i dont have the right to.

but i am asking for some kind of self awareness and respect 

PS. if anyone comes in here trying to act like you must be white to be norse i will break every limb you have and drop you in a ditch to burn that is nazi shit we dont do that here. we love and support norse pagans of color and if you are not putting in an effort to make them feel safe among white peers, you need to fix that.

[forestryfae]

holy fucking shit is it possible to get more self centered. holy shit.

stepmom called at like 22:30 the first time. didnt answer. clear sign to not fucking call again id say given most normal people are asleep by now. called again like ten minutes later and i thought well maybe its an emergency. surely shes not stupid enough to call twice in the evening around most peoples bedtime. <--- said by someone who was once called by her 7 times in half an hour and all they wanted was either a chat or they bought me a lamp at ikea idfr

nope. shes chatting away and shit asking where i am, whether i want to celebrate christmas with them, fully expecting me to let them help me when i move into an apartment.

first of all lmao wtf. im not asking them for fucking help moving my shit, if i did theyd go to sweden that exact day and be like "oh were in sweden right now but we can come by later :)" like they did when we asked them to maybe come help w the house. dad was tasked with contacting a lawyer for me once too, he promised hed do it he knew how horrible i had it and when we got to the meeting w my support team he told me he hadnt done it. 2 months i waited and he just hadnt bothered. btw i got really sick a few days later. fever, exhaustion, the whole thing.

and then shes like "it must be so nice to have your legal guardian and finally have someone who gets stuff done" yeah well dad was useless and mom was actively hindering me from talking to a lawyer and you and dad knew how bad it was but you didnt do shit to help so. thanks for that ig.

btw letting me stay for a week during christmas does not count. i really want to say im grateful but rn i dont feel grateful. im pissed. they knew how bad it was and did fucking nothing. i talked about how bad it was and they did nothing but try to talk down how bad it was, atleast dad. sure, stepmom defended me sometimes but having my dad say the shit he did and acting like it was no big deal living alone in a rotten cold house w two cats while i was severely depressed and utterly isolated and only helping if he felt like it. holy fucking shit. yeah dude atleast its getting taken care of i fuvking guess. being a parent doesnt stop when your kid turns 18 and if you marry a dude w kids you cant just. not talk to the kids if it doesnt suit you

and shes asking for all this info about where i am and so on and i just gotta lie. i dont wanna have to argue with a grown ass woman at nearly 11 pm and tell her i straight up dont want them to know cus theyve been utterly useless at all times except like. two times. dad fixed some electrics and i got to stay for christmas and thats it. ive been driven home after shopping sure but whose fucking fault is it i dont have a license? could unsupportive parents who offer to help but dont ever let me drive be part of the problem? could the lack of legal help and effort be a part of the problem?

and obvs im answering in single words and the occasional sentences cus im fucking annoyed and trying not to be rude but shes chatting away about shit she has no business knowing or getting involved in at almost 11 pm. so the call ends w her asking if im sad cus i "sound so sad" like no im not sad. tell her im not sad. she said something afterwards i dont remember but i did wind up saying that "well its kind of really late to call someone at 10:30 in the evening" and she starts. going on about how she just really missed me and missed talking to me and at this point internally im just fuming. she called that late at night just to chat? is she fucking stupid?

like its not bad enough the only times i ever get called is when theyre bored in the car and need entertainment so i have to sit there listening to my own voice echo out of their handsfree while the mic is garbling their voices so bad i can barely tell wtf theyre saying over the sound of traffic. and now shes calling in the middle of the night tol cus her emotional need is too important to let people sleep

[skaldish]

the reblog chain got real long so im just gonna send you an ask cuz i just caught up on the conversation

i live VERY south west in sweden aka prime target to becoming denmark at any moment and vättar 100% are very rare here, theyre not talked about much if at all and when i was in the scouts there were no reservations about throwing bad water on the ground

andar and spöken ive also always understood to be the same and rå being very much väsen but like feral about it (the gradiant being like troll - tomten - näcken - skogsrå - beckahästen because thats just a horse that hates you)

the little i know about trolls is that they are very much like humans but dont like iron or christ obviously and that its very common still for changelings to be a thing thats like semi jokingly accused? aka pov i was said to be a troll kid when i was little (i deserved it i did a jailbreak from our kindergarden and also im not baptised)

Follow up on the other ask, talked to my mother who is, and this is true, older than me, about the difference between andar and ghosts and for her they’re different but only in that ghosts are dead that are stuck on earth but andar are the dead that have moved on but basically they’re taking a vaccation to come see us I don’t know if this is useful information but I submit it anyways

No no I LOVE this stuff! If at any point anyone ever wants to just brain-dump folklore on me I am literally all ears.

I need to go through and very much like...organize all the definitions of things, but getting the info out there is FANTASTIC.

We don't have this kind of information about folklore and how it interfaces with Heathenry here in America.

[shinymooncolor]

Sweater weather chat #9

A little Friday tribute to @lumosinlove ‘s sweater weather. 

@siriuslyqueer and @wxlfstxrx thanks for helping me through a groundbreaking epiphany. <3 

Sweater weather chat #9

Celeste has plans. Logan mopes. And drives a minivan. Kuny hides in a library. Nado is a star. And the wives call him Jackie. We get some lady love. Cause hockey wives are awesome. The team dads get in trouble. What did happen in Prague? Does mild vodka exist? 

--- 

Thursday 3.42 pm 

Celeste: hi ladies! So, as you know the long dreaded school talent show is looming on the horizon. I don’t know with you -  but that’s a Saturday we will not get back…. Any ideas?? 

Anya: we send our husbands to the show. 😜 zhenya is helping my kids anyways. Not sure how that happened. But him and Jackie came to leech a free dinner and somehow ended up joining the talent show. 

Linnea: that sounds like something that needs to be recorded! I’m up for a spa weekend. God knows I need it. We’re headed for Sweden next month and I need to prepare mentally for my in-laws. 🙊

Celeste: so we agree to send the boys to the show? And get on with a lovely spa weekend ourselves 😍

Allison: I’m in. I love my boys but I’ve seen them dance and heard them sing. Brady has been successfully avoiding the past three events!!! But I’m intrigued about what the hell Kuny and Jackie can help with? 😂 

Anya: I don’t know and I don’t care. It’s sergei problem now. I’ve warned them to keep it kid friendly. Jackie is still a little scared of me, I think. 👻

Celeste: they are good boys but those two. I swear they’re worse than our lot. And that’s saying something. You remember Prague? 😠

Linnea: the one with the flags at worlds? What were they thinking.... 

Allison: oh sounds like there’s a story there! What did they get up to? 🙊

Linnea: let’s get back to that after three bottles of Chardonnay... 

——

Thursday 4.08 pm 

Celeste: you are going to the talent show. And take Logan with you. He’s been moping for a week. He’s such a teenager. 😂 and DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT DRINKING AGAIN. I will tell Logan about Prague. 😠

Dumo: but I have to train. And don’t tell anyone it’ll undermine our authority. 

Celeste: no you don’t have to, it’s optional. Don’t even start Pascal. You’re taking your ragtag team Dads and you’re all going to sit through 3 hours of recorders and botched Disney music. And you’re going to applaud your babies. And please film whatever the terrible two get up to. I’ve seen the outfits. 😂😍😂😍

Dumo: I love you but you’re mean. Enjoy your spa day. What do I get for being good?

Celeste: a wife who won’t make you sleep in the guest room. And if you’re really good we can talk about the white one again. 

Dumo: I’ll be good!!! 😇😇😇😇😇 

Celeste: 😉

——

Thursday 5.00 pm 

Dumo created a group chat. 

Dumo added Sunny, Sergei, Brady, Kuny, Nado and LoganT 

Dumo named the group chat talent show 

Dumo: gentlemen I believe you’ve all had your fates sealed. We’re now sentenced to suffer through the horror of our kids’ school talent show.

LoganT: what am I doing here? I don’t have kids leave me out 

Dumo: you left your disgusting workout clothes in MY basement. Without cleaning it up. You’re coming. Also Leo and Finn are both with their families. And Celeste made me take you cause apparently you’re sad and mopey. 🤓

LoganT: I’m not sad and mopey. I’m brooding and there’s a big difference. 😠

Sunny: you’re 22 and your boyfriends are out of town. Chin up buddy and enjoy a Saturday of off key singing and recorder hell. And you are moping 😆 brooding is for grown-ups… 

Nado: we’d offer to take you to some strip clubs and get you laid but. Well. We don’t really frequent gay bars so. 

Sergei: really? I once had to rescue u 2 from drag club 😂

Nado: it was one time and we didn’t realize until we were inside. Felt like a fucking Kingggg man they know how to party. Wanna go to a drag club baby Logan? Is fun times! 

Kuny: was fun. But we promise to do show with baby Russians he he 👻👻👻👻

Nado: well i didn’t understand what i said yes to. Thought she asked if I wanted to play Pokémon. 😳

Sergei: that’s why she asked. She’s too sneaky. Not like it. What you do for show? 

Nado: no idea. Your wife is making us an outfit and told us to just stand in the background 🙈

Dumo: oh I’m recording this. Anyways there’s never any parking. You’d think with the obscene fees we pay for that school they could at least organize proper parking. Let’s carpool. 😎

LoganT: why are you carpooling? You’ve got like a combined car catalogue of 25 cars....... 

Brady: this is clearly Logan’s first rodeo. Okay. Sergei always brings some Russian elixir of life. So. We need you to drive. 😘

LoganT: IM NOT DRIVING A MINI VAN! IVE GOT A REP 

Nado: there’s alcohol involved? I’m in!! 🥳🥳🥳🥳

Sunny: only way to get through this....😔

Dumo: you don’t have a rep. You have two boyfriends, an accent and a sweaty hat. You’re driving and I’m not going to argue. 😠 

—- 

Saturday 12.33 pm 

Dumodad: if anyone is wondering what the terrible two are up to this fine Saturday. They’re currently in the middle of a moving rendition of Into the Unknown. Yes they’re wearing blue sequins. 🤩

*kuny and nado dressed in blue glitter sequins onesies with a bunch of kids singing into the unknown* 

Prongstar: HHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA WHAT IS GOING ONNNN???? 

Blizzard: well. There’s a future in show biz for those two. 😂 kuznetsov and nadeau the movie. 

Bradygunz: this is giving me some fresh prince vibes little rays of sunshine!!!😂😂😂😂 @talkiewalkie 

Talkiewalkie: yesss!!! Hahahah 😎😎😎

 ——- 

Saturday 1.22 pm 

Sunny: I love my kids but. There’s a reason it’s not a good idea to always just tell kids they’re good at stuff.

Dumo: hahahah the one with the juggling was fun. 

LoganT: why are we still here? I won’t ever get my hearing back after that bag pipe thing. 😭

Sergei: that’s why we drink. I like the politic ones like a kid could ever know so many isms 

Sunny: quit hogging the flask. Gimme. 

Brady: I didn’t know so many isms existed. Pretty sure some of them were just random words. 😂

——

Saturday 2.01 pm

Logantremblayzzz: guess who’s pissed at a kids talent show. Guess who’s hit on every teacher and has suspiciously disappeared and guess who’s somehow ended up in a production of you’re welcome from Moana? 

Sirius: this is fun.... 1) the dads are pissed. I went to a school play with them once. Sergei brought his flask? 2) I wanna say Nado 3) Kuny? 

Blizzard: ohhh I’ve got 2/3 swapped - Kuny can’t sing in English... and nado’s got the tattoos 😂

Eliascookie: I wanna know more about the sequins? 🥳

Prongstar: tell us!!!  

Logantremblayzzz: 1) yes the dads. Sergei swears it’s only mild vodka. But they’re definitely not sober. 2) Kuny was missing but I found him. He is hiding in the library. 3) yes Nado has somehow ended up on stage again. He’s doing that pec thing it’s weird. I swear the moms here are swooning. He signed someone’s bra. ITS A SCHOOL. 

KrisVolley: you’re just cranky that you had to drive the mini van. Haha! 😂

CarbO’Hara: Logan! You drove a minivan? 🤪🤪🤪🤪 cuteeee 

Logantremblayzzz: it’s stupid and ugly. 🥴 

Dumodad: suits you then 🤪

Logantremblayzzz: I’m telling your wives. 

Sergei_81: no Logan. Don’t be mean. U can have my car 

Bradygunz: we don’t tell Celeste when you leo and Finn cause problems!!!! 

Dumodad: he’s bluffing! Remember who let you live FOR FREE in his basement! I do your laundry and feed you. 

Logantremblayzzz: celeste feeds me and does laundry. You’re just as much a leech. 

Dumodad: I pay for things. 😠

RussianGod: I don’t know where are. Books everywhere help I hide from moms so many everywhere 😳😳😳😳

Ollibear: someone please rescue Kuny before the soccer moms kidnap him 😂

Timmyforrealz: wow Kuny go get some cougar love 🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯 hehehehe 

RussianGod: I scared. Help. @dumodad @logantremblayzzz @sergei_81!!!!!! Help help 

Sunnysideup: DONT flirt with them then. You asked for it. I’ll come get you. Stay in the library. You’re missing nado singing. 

——

Saturday 2.12 pm 

Logan: hey Celeste. Show is ok. How’s the spa??? ❤️❤️❤️

Celeste: charmer... it’s fine thank you - how are the boys?

Logan: uh. Well. 

Celeste: one sec love. 

—-

Celeste added Logan to the group chat 

Celeste: hi Logan! Please tell us about the show. How did the terrible two do with their performance 

Logan: well Katya got scared and refused to go on stage so Kuny had to hold her hand. It was really cute. Loved the outfits. They’re definitely never forgetting that 😂 other than that your husbands are sneaking drinks from sergei’s flask and Nado has been in stage for the past three performances 

Anya: he did what? I will kill him. Thank you for telling us Logan. Tell zhenya to be careful. Soccer moms are hungry.

Logan: will do. Want me to kick your husbands? 

Anya: no love. We have our own ways to punish our idiots 😈

Linnea: thanks Logan! 

Celeste removed Logan from the group chat. 

Celeste: well. I knew we couldn’t leave them alone. But the plan worked well - they’ve now signed themselves up for the events for the rest of the school year! 😎

Allison: 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 

—-

Celeste: Logan texted me. Do you have any idea how much trouble you all are in? Also someone go rescue Kuny. He’s not ready for a soccer mom. 😈

Dumo: I’m gonna kill that kid. Also sorry. But. There was a BAGPIPE. You’re very pretty and beautiful and I love you. Sunny has gone to rescue Kuny. 

Celeste: hmm. How are you going to fix it? 

Dumo: I’ll show you 😜 on my knees 👅

Celeste: 😈

[anastasiaskarsgard]

TO THE ANON THAT ASKED FOR A SMUTTY CHEATER BILL STORY HERE YA GO. I INITIALLY DELETED THE REQUEST BECAUSE I DONT CONDONE CHEATING BUT THEN I THOUGHT, ITS FAN FICTION. NO ONE TAKES IT SERIOUSLY AND IVE GOTTEN A FEW REQUESTS FOR THIS SO HERE YA GO.

Here’s part 1: https://anastasiaskarsgard.tumblr.com/post/188138288236/this-is-a-really-involved-request-so-im-breaking

And here is PART 2

Warning!!! Smut 18+ mature content.

As we pulled into the parking lot, everything hit me at once. I had literally witnessed my dog get murdered, the man I thought was perfect was Satan himself, I have no belongings, I don’t know anyone but Randi here. But then I remembered all the good like I was free, I’m not dead, I have the best friend in the whole world, I already found a job and got paid a lot for basically getting to be near the hottest guy ever and there’s photographic evidence, and literally the world is my oyster. I even get to go to Canada! Hayden Christensen lives there! I look over at Randi and can’t help but laugh when I see her sassy face. She is not a fan of feeling sorry for yourself. “Sorry, I’ll stop. They’re happy tears! I swear! I’m so happy I have you, and we’re going on this adventure. I’m just grateful.”

“Wow. Don’t cry Bitch. You’ll fuck up your make up.” my best friend joked.

I chuckled, and gave her a hug, then stood straight out of the car and let her lead the way to see if everyone had gotten a table together in Mortons.

We found everyone taking their seats. I took the closest open seat next to the photographer and Randi sat between Andy and Bill across from us. I didn’t want to look at Bill and have Randi give me shit, so I read the entire menu like 3 times to avoid looking up. We all ordered, and then Andy had the idea for everyone to introduce themselves:

“Ok since everyone is from all over the place, let’s do a fun little ice breaker. I’ll start. My name is Andy, I’m from the beautiful country of Argentina and I’m a Director as I’m sure you all know, let’s be more original, I know! Name your fear! I’m afraid of drowning.”

“My name is Randi, I’m from Kalamazoo Michigan, I’m an artist and I’m afraid of flying.”

“Ok hi everybody! I’m Bill, I’m from Stockholm Sweden, I’m a human and I’m afraid of being alone.”

I giggled like an idiot, froze and looked over at Randi, who was smiling at me, shaking her head. Dammit.

“My name is Barbara and I’m Andy’s sister, and I am afraid of creepy crawly things.”

“I’m Maria from Brazil, I am photographer and I fear bad lighting and flaky models. Thank goodness for Liv appearing like magic and save the day.” She smiled at me warmly and squeezed my hand.

I felt everyone’s eyes on me, and could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I couldn't bear to look at Bill or Randi, so I stared down in my lap and could feel my face heating up. “I’m Liv from Las Vegas, I guess I’m a model for now and I’m afraid of being a failure, velociraptors, roller coasters, centipedes and public speaking.” I chuckled uncomfortably. I ramble when I’m nervous.

“I’m afraid of velociraptors as well,” Bill laughed. “Jurassic Park ruined me as a child.”

Everyone laughed heartily at Bill’s expense but I felt appreciative of him making my ridiculous fear seem more credible and drawing attention away from my obvious nervousness. I snuck a peek at him and he winked at me playfully.

I didn't know what to think of this beautiful man. My initial reaction to him had been negative. He seemed like every other snobby Hollywood type, complete with crazy girl problems, but as the day progressed, he surprised me over and over with how genuine he seemed to be.

As lunch went on, Randi and Maria were talking technical terms, so Bill and I looked at each other and just smiled and shrugged our shoulders. It wasn't like we were being ignored, just everyone except us was wrapped up in their own conversations. I was content with that too, but then an ice cube flew into my cleavage.

My eyes shot open and I observed a very amused Bill trying to contain his laughter but not doing a very good job.

”I promise I’m not an asshole. I have just been trying to get your attention since we got here. So how long you been in LA?” He asked me like i was the most interesting thing he’d ever encountered.

”What time is it? Less than 24 hours.”

His eyes went wide and he choked on his drink a bit, then began to laugh at himself . ”wow, and you already booked a major job? Who is your agent? Are you an actress or just gorgeous... I mean a model.”

”you are super smooth Bill. I’m kidding! Don’t pout you’ll get wrinkles.” I had to give him some shit. “I don’t have an agent because I don’t have any interest in fame at all.”

He looked impressed by that for some reason. ”so what brought you here?”

”Randi is my best friend, and I needed a change of scenery.” I said making sure to avoid eye contact. I knew I was just being paranoid, but I felt like he could look into my soul, with the intensity he was looking at me with. I’m a terrible liar, so I’m convinced if I look at him, he’ll see I’m not being honest. I didn't want to mention the literal hell id escaped to be here.

I could still feel his gaze on me, and I caught Andy looking between us with an unreadable expression. He's a director so he probably can read people really well.

Shit. I’m probably just being my normal neurotic psycho self. No one probably gives two shits about me, and this is all in my head. These people are famous and successful. I’m just another one of the millions of girls that they encounter in LA.

Maria tapped my shoulder. “Hi honey, can you switch seats with your friend? I want to show some my work?”

I smiled and agreed, but the butterflies in my stomach were going crazy as I took my seat by Bill. He was texting so I got my phone out to play a game or two. Suddenly I felt Bill’s leg press up against mine. I looked over at him, but he just continued with his phone, but was clearly smirking. Just then The food arrived and I was famished, so all other thoughts were abandoned.

“Wow! You eat real food!” Andy exclaimed.

“Oh it’s not fair! Liv has always eaten whatever she wants and doesn’t gain a pound.” Randi whined.

I blushed feeling all the attention on myself again. I wanted to fade into my surroundings like a chameleon. “I like to eat.”

I looked at Bill and he was off his phone but I could tell he was watching me as he ate.

“What?” I asked finally, when he didn’t stop looking at me.

“You’re very interesting.” He said.

“How?” I scoffed.

“Well for starters you’re drop dead gorgeous but you don’t like being the center of attention. Am I right?”

“I wouldn’t go with drop dead gorgeous, maybe conventionally attractive. There’s not really anything wrong with me, but there’s nothing to write home to your mother about either.”

He chuckled. “See? There you go again. You’re humble and funny too.”

I could feel my face burning so I excused myself to go use the restroom, but Bill said he’d show me where it was since he needed to smoke and make some calls.

I was fully aware where it was, but agreed and figured I’d let him show me. He turned before we reached the bathroom and he opened a door that appeared to almost blend in to the wall, revealing a very plush, luxurious bathroom with a large vanity.

“Oh my gosh is this like the Secret VIP potty?” I asked. I had always heard about secret lounges and VIP cool stuff so I was ecstatic to actually see one. I probably seemed like such a dork but I didn’t care.

“Something like that.” He said following me inside and locking the door behind him. I turned around to tell him there only appeared to be one toilet, when he took a couple steps and closed the distance between us and kissed me, pinning me against the wall.

He pulled back and looked down into my eyes, “I’ve wanted to do this since I saw you.” He said deepening the kiss again.

I stepped aside to move out from under him and caught my breath. “Your girlfriend though!”

“It’s over with her. It’s been stale a long time” He said as he wrapped his arm around my waist. “Don’t worry, I'm sick of her. I much rather have you. Do you have a boyfriend?” He pulled me against him again and my God the man was so good looking.

“Nope. I’d have kicked you if I did, I’m not a cheater.” I couldn’t believe his lips were on me. I tried to think and get ahold of myself and be rational, but as he kissed down my neck and groped my breasts, it was getting hard to remember why this wasn’t the best idea ever.

“. Listen, you’re very attractive Bill. Like best looking guy I’ve ever seen attractive, and I’m flattered, but we should get back. They’re gonna wonder.”

“This dress is killing me though, and youre so so beautiful.” He groaned lustilly, as he slowly slid my dress’ strap down, continuing his way down, kissing down my throat to my chest. He exposes my breast and looks up to make sure I wasn’t going to object, but when I just bit my lip, he placed his mouth on my nipple, suckling at my breast. He releases it with a popping sound, and slips a hand under my skirt, rubbing me through my panties, as he sucksin a breath through his teeth, before going for my other breast. This motherfucker is gonna kill me. How can one man be so hot and what did I do in a past life to deserve this shit? Seriously universe? How do I carry on knowing his tongue was on my nipple?

He hiked my skirt up to brush his fingertips across my folds. He bit my bottom lip and then pulled his hand out from under my skirt, and sensually tasted his fingers before leading me to the large round cushioned ottoman at the vanity, trying to get me to sit.

“What are you up to? You’re - this is so bad.” I tell him as he pushes me down lightly as he kisses me passionatly.

He looked deep in my eyes. “Please let me taste you and make you feel good. I don’t expect anything from you and I don’t do this type of thing ever, but I’ve honestly never wanted to see what someone tastes like more in my life.”

FUCK. Who in the hell could say no to that?

All I could do is nod, too shocked to fully comprehend that this was really happening.

He got on his knees in front of me and I couldn’t help but admire his gorgeous features. As crazy as it sounds, he had the most beautiful bone structure; severe and angular, yet it was offset by his big green eyes with their long sweeping lashes, luscious plump full lips, and adorable perfect little child-like nose. His hair was silky and thick and he smelled like mint and soap.

I watched as he pulled my underwear off and placed them in his pocket, before leaning me back with one hand, as the other lifted my dress. He bit my inner thigh gently, but still sent a thrill up my spine causing me to visibly shudder.

“I haven’t even started yet,” he smirked up at me cockily, before pressing his mouth to my sex before I had time to reply. I’d had my pussy eaten before, but nothing like this. There was no sign of nervousness or insecurity that some men display when they go down there. Like you can tell they’re not sure what the fuck to do, but Bill was sure of himself and seemed to genuinely love doing it. He was so enthusiastic and it felt so amazing. I never had done something like this in my life, and wouldn’t even kiss on a first date, yet here I am. I was scandalized and aroused, and so close to an orgasm it was shocking.

“You gonna cum for me baby?. I love how you look right now.... Cum on my face.... please?” He pleaded and pushed another finger inside of me. I couldn’t look at him. It was all too much.

I let out a moan as he moved his fingers and tongue in such a combined effort, that I reached out and gripped his hair, pressing his face against me as my release crashed down on me, violently shaking me, and making everything go white, as it wound down. It was seriously one of the most intense orgasms I’ve ever had, and it took me longer than a polite amount of time to realize I was still holding his face, and immediately released him”I’m so sorry, I didn't realize I- .”

“Sshhh.” He said chuckling and came up and kissed me deeply. “Can you taste yourself on me?”

I nodded shyly, looking away to break eye contact. He was so intense and I wasn’t sure what he would want me to do to return the favor.

He put his finger under my chin and pulled my face back over to look in his eyes. “You’re beautiful.”

I looked back at him, waiting to see what he did next. I was surprised he wasn't taking his pants off, but was too shy to try and take them off myself. I really wanted to though, and that surprised me. I wanted him to fuck me and wasn’t going to think about it, just do it. Like Nike.

He stood up and helped me to my feet, and helped smooth my dress out. He pulled me into another kiss and I could feel how excited he was.

“Let me make you feel nice now.” I mentally scolded myself for saying something so not sexy but just looked up at him with my best doe eyed look.

“You’re so cute. Don’t worry about me, just yet. I don’t want a quickie in a bathroom with you, I want like a bed and many. many. hours. I want to impress you.”

“I’m fucking impressed Bill.”

He chuckled and bit his lip, and you could see the wheels turning. “I really want to fuck you but I also don’t wanna be too long and full disclosure, Andy threatened serious bodily harm not to touch you. Said you’re a heartbreaking man eater.”

“Randi advised me to avoid you because you’re a foreign actor that’s too good looking for his own good. You’re obviously a monster.”

We both got a good laugh out of that.

“What’s your phone number?” He asked taking out his phone.

“I don’t currently have one. I need to get one. I lost mine yesterday.”

He looked at me incredulously. “If you don’t want to give me your number it’s ok.”

“No. Take Randi’s number, that’s the phone I was using earlier anyways, that way you can call, cuz I don’t have a pen or anything.”

“How about your email, and then you can send me your number when you get it. Randi might catch on if I call her phone.”

“You’re so smart! You’ll see me in a week on your new movie too.”

“Really? That’s the best news I got all day but if you think I’m waiting a week to be inside you, you’re insane. Now go, just say I went to smoke and make calls if they ask where I am. I’ll give it a couple minutes.”

I gave him my email and walked out the door to go try and act like the hottest fucking thing to ever happen in my life, didn’t just go down. When I turned the corner, I nearly threw up and cane to a screeching halt. I met eyes with the estranged exgirlfriend. I didn’t wanna seem weird so I smiled and sat down to finish my meal, since turning around and running the other direction might bad. I mean as far as I was concerned he was single, so I had no reason to feel guilty of anything. And I didn’t plan on admitting that happened to anyone, so not telling her was totally fine. She tapped on my arm and I cautiously turned to her.

“Did you see Bill by chance?” She asked politely.

“He said he was smoking and making some important calls when he left the table earlier.”

She laughed a little and rolled her eyes, “that man and his cigarettes! I blame Hemlock Grove for turning him into a chainsmoker. He’s probably smoked two or three in a row.”

“All this talk about smoking makes me want one, I’ll go find him. Excuse me ladies.” Andy said, as he quickly walked towards the exit to find Bill.

“He’s probably going to warn Bill that I’m here. We got in a fight earlier and he can be such a brat. Watch when he comes back, he’ll pretend like nothing happened.”

Maybe she didn’t realize he really was done with her. She had a funny accent so I assumed she’s Swedish too. He was probably her only friend out here so I couldn’t help but pity her.

“Between silent treatments and smoking, Bill would be dead by morning.” Randi said with a mischievous wink.

“Oh if you could see his hissy fits, they’re the worst!” She enthused. “Anything in his hands he’ll throw and if it’s something like a sandwich or drinks and won’t hurt you, he’ll throw it on you. But then if I try and ignore him, he’ll lay on me like a big dead weight until I speak.” His girlfriend said, laughing hysterically. Everyone joined in telling stories of past boyfriends that were grown men, having varying degrees of tantrums, but I just sat silently. My ex story wasn’t funny.

Andy and Bill came back and I could feel an anxiety attack creeping up on me.

I looked up and Bill was staring at me and I looked to Randi and she had a puzzled look on her face. In an effort to not give anything away to her, my eyes shot back up to Bill.

Bill looked furious. He seethed animosity and I just looked down at my plate to avoid that glare. I wasn't sure if I was the cause or she was, but I desperately wanted to run out of the place screaming and looked at Randi again pleading with my eyes to go. She seemed to catch on and I tried to keep it together.

His ex got up and rushed over to him. Just as I looked up, she planted a soft kiss on his cheek. My eyes narrowed involuntarily as he glanced over at me, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. His girlfriend grabbed his face and kissed him right on the lips.

I felt like I was going to throw up. Tears threatened to spill but I held them back as I stared at my lap. I kept seeing Bill’s eyes as he looked up at me from between my legs. Flashes of him pinning me to the wall, or oh my fucking god! My underwear are in his pocket!

My pussy is on his face too and he just kissed her.

He seemed so genuine, but he was an actor, what did I expect. Faking Feelings and emotions was how he paid the bills. I couldn’t believe how stupid and guillable I was! He probably got off on this shit. Poor woman. I was exaggerating when I’d said he was a monster but goddammit I was right!!!

”Ok thank you for inviting us and I can't wait to see whoever is going to join us in Toronto, but Liv and I must be off for an important appointment and then packing.” Randi said her goodbyes as I walked around the table and stood beside her, keeping my back to Bill.

”Bye everybody. I had fun” I said Sweetly and then I turned on my heel and walked past Bill without a glance.

”See you two in Toronto.” Bill called after us, and even though I refused to look at him, I could feel his eyes burning into my back as we walked away.

[theoddcatlady]

My Friends Went On A Roadtrip Through Europe

The only reason I didn’t go on the ‘greatest trip of our lives’ was because I was in a car accident that nearly killed me.

It was bad. I wasn’t able to get out of bed without assistance for that first month. Broken leg, busted up ribs, I looked more like a boxer that just got out of a match gone bad than a recent highschool graduate who was planning on going to college as a psychology major.

My friends and I had been planning this trip since our freshman year in highschool. I know. It was fucking stupid. But we promised if we all graduated with a grade average of 3.5 or better and if we all scraped together the cash from after school/summer jobs, we’d take a road trip through Europe. Somehow we actually managed to do it, our parents were so impressed that they even kicked in some cash. The silly dreams of fourteen year olds were coming to life.

Whitney wanted to go to Paris and see the Eiffel Tower. Jade was all about Austria, she wanted to see where the Sound of Music was filmed. Jonah planned to eat all the chocolate he could stomach in Switzerland. Me? I wanted to see the countryside of every country- mountains, rivers, the ocean… But one week before the plane was supposed to take off, well, the accident happened.

I told my friends to go without me, but I made them promise to constantly send me updates and tell me how much fun they were having. So they left- Whitney, Jade, Jonah, Holden, and Tori. I even gave them a portion of the money I saved up so they could go crazy.

At first, everything was normal. I got pictures, they even sent me a package from England full of lil knick knacks and snacks. I hated the Irn Bru but the Cadbury chocolates were to DIE for. But everything went wrong shortly after Austria.

Below are the emails and messages my friends sent me when they had the time. These all take place over about three weeks. After that, everything goes silent. Their parents have yet to hear from them. They’ve filed missing person’s reports, but I think if any of them are still alive… they won’t want to be found.

From: Jade

Jesus CHRIST, you will not believe what happened last night, Lilah.

First off, let me make abundantly clear that no one is dead, and no the trip is not over yet. We got really lucky. Second off, Jonah is a fucking moron and I swear to god once his stitches are out I’m ripping him a new one.

Okay so last night we were out a bit late, we all got a little tipsy and we were heading back to the hotel. Legal drinking age is eighteen, it’s not like that time we tried to sneak into Beverly’s with those fake ID’s. On the way back, we stumbled across another drunk who made a pass at Jonah. And you know Jonah, his drunk ass reacted loudly and violently. I swear he was about to make a swing at the guy… but the other guy swung first.

I swear, the drunk guy fought like an animal, Jonah didn’t stand a chance. We barely managed to rip Jonah away from him before he ripped his throat out. It was bloody and MESSY.

We got Jonah to the nearest emergency room, got him patched up, headed back home to sleep it off. How much do you wanna bet that he won’t remember it in the morning?

I’m gonna hit the sack. Jonah is a moron.

From: Jonah

Jade told me she sent you an email about the fight. She really needs to chill, I’m really not that bad off. Besides, the guy was a creep.

I do remember what happened, despite what she thinks, we were heading back when, get this, strange guy complimented my SKIN. Said it looked smooth and rosy. That’s not even flirting anymore, that’s just creepy! I mean, he was totally your type, tall, dark, handsome, blue eyes and a bit of scruff on his face, but noooot mine.

I’m fine though, you can barely tell where the guy got me. I think he had a knife because I got ripped. Up. Can barely tell now, he must’ve just grazed me.

We’ll be looping back up and heading for Poland next. Gonna cross through Germany to do that, but I don’t mind the drive. Besides, Germany = MORE BEER.

Miss you, next time you will totally have to come along.

From: Tori

I really wish you were here. I miss you so, so much. How is your therapy going? I hope it’s going well, you really missed out on some beautiful views today. The camera doesn’t quite capture it, but I hope to paint it once I’m home with my supplies. Maybe I can bring a little of this place back to you.

I think I’m just homesick. I might cut my trip short and head back, I’m really worried about you.

From: Whitney

Did you talk Tori out of going home yet? I don’t think she’s willing to admit how spooked she got when that bum attacked Jonah. She started crying when she saw how bloodied he was. I was pretty freaked too, but it was way worse than it looked. He’s actually completely fine now. Stitches came out, there’s not even a scar. I’m pretty sure Jonah’s actually bummed there’s nothing to show off for when he gets home LOL. But yeah, nothing to worry about, he’s still the same energetic Jonah we all know and love.

Holden’s horrible at remembering to email you, I’ve told him like, six times. Did he do anything other than the one time he sent a what’s up? He totally only did that because I nagged him.

I wish we spent more time in Italy, but we’re making great time through Germany. I’m gonna go now, kick ass and take names at Overwatch for us when you can sit up, all right?

From: Tori

Jonah’s almost too over the top since the attack. I think he’s trying to make up for something, I don’t know what. It’s like… remember that time he pounded Mountain Dews all night while we were gaming? This was during our League of Legends phase (glad that ended) but Jonah was incredibly manic and he was constantly getting up to pace.

He’s like that but 24/7. I don’t think he’s slept a full night, and it’s almost impossible to make him stop for the night. We want to relax, there’s no rush to get to Poland. I’ll talk to him when I can get him to settle, see what’s wrong. Love you.

From: Jade

Welp, Tori went home last night.

Her clothes and passport are gone, she left a note saying she really missed you and her parents, she’ll make it up to us when we’re home. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed she didn’t talk to us beforehand.

She was right though, Jonah needs a chill pill. Is this how some people deal with trauma? Because I mean, you weren’t there, but that was… pretty bad. I can’t even imagine how Jonah feels, but he’s Jonah. He never lets anyone in. It’s why you two broke up sophomore year, kid has issues. I hoped this trip through Europe might help him learn about himself but I think it’s making it worse.

From: Whitney

WE’RE IN DENMARK BECAUSE APPARENTLY JONAH DECIDED POLAND WAS A STUPID IDEA.

Ugh, sorry. So Jonah offered to drive us through the night. I said no, but Holden and Jade were all for it. So I sucked it up, took something to make me drowsy, and konked out in the back seat. When I woke up, Jonah and Jade were having a shouting match and turns out, we’re in DENMARK. That wasn’t the plan. He didn’t clear this with us.

Holden’s on his side, saying that Denmark is a cool country too but Jade’s royally pissed. I can’t blame her. We promised at the beginning of the trip that we were to clear any travel plans with each other. We’d talk about it.

That’s another reason to miss you- you are SO good at talking. <3

From: Jonah

Everyone but Holden’s pissed at me.

Listen, I’m fine, I promise. I’ve just had to deal with some insomnia lately, is that really that bad? It’s not like I’m as bad off as you were. There was a brief moment that morning of the accident we all thought we’d lose you.

The insomnia goes away in the day. I can sleep then. Everyone can go and have fun during the day, I get to sleep, and at night I go do my shit. There’s. Nothing. Wrong with that.

I mean, another reason I wish you were here was that I’ve been having some… preeettyyy interesting dreams involving you, when I can sleep anyway. TMI. But maybe I should’ve been less of a puss with you back in the day. I shouldn’t have pushed you away.

When I’m back, can we go on a date? I’ll buy. Anywhere you want to go.

From: Jade

Jonah made a pass at me. And he’s not drunk.

I’m confused. And worried. Not gonna lie, he was pretty smooth about it, but I’ve never thought of him that way. He’s like that obnoxious little brother you love anyway. I told him no and he accepted gracefully.

Talking with Whitney and he also made a move at him… and at Holden? Jesus Christ, it’s about time that dumbass fell out of the closet. Holden’s pretty into it though. I’m wondering if this trip was actually a success in that matter.

We’re going up through Scandinavia now. Sweden, here we come!

At least we’re in some of the most gay friendly countries in the world right now… although I swear to god I think someone’s been following us. I’ve spotted this small white car twice now and I think it’s the same driver. But I’m probably just paranoid.

From: Holden

i know i dont email you often. i hate writing.

but something’s really wrong with jonah. i think he hurt someone.

last night we went out for drinks. ive always thought jonah was cute but never thought hed give me the time of day. we shared a hotel room, nothing happened but it was nice.

but I woke up this morning and I was trying to find something to wear and I accidentally went through one of jonah’s bags because our bags look the same and

i found one of his shirts. it’s covered in blood. And I found tori’s passport. it’s also bloody.

i’ve been reading and there’s been two bodies on the same route we’ve been going. i also called tori’s mom and she hasn’t heard anything from her daughter. she hasnt gone home. what should I do lilah? you were always the smart one.

From: Jade

Jonah’s lost his goddamn mind.

I’m surprised I get signal out in the middle of nowhere but Holden asked him about Tori and Jonah got really defensive. Then he brought up clothes covered in blood and that Tori never made it home and… Jonah snapped.

He pulled over to the side of the road and lunged for Holden. Whitney tried to break it up and got pretty fucked up for it. They’ll be okay as soon as we get to a hospital or something.

He’s gone now. He took the keys with him. I’m gonna try and call for help but jesus christ how have things gone so wrong?

From: Jonah

(This email was sent to all of us, along with the next one.)

I’m with Master now. He never meant for this to happen. He never meant for me to get turned. He tried to find me but my own stupidity kept us going… I’m so mad at myself. I should’ve told you guys what’s been going on. I’ve been barely sleeping, any sort of bright light fucking hurts, and Tori…

I never meant to hurt Tori. I swear to god. She was one of my best friends. But she’s dead. And I killed her. I couldn’t stop myself. By the time I came to my senses, I’d shredded her to pieces. If they ever find where I dumped her, she’ll probably be a Jane Doe for the rest of time.

Master found me running around around and stopped me. We’re someplace safe now. He’ll help me.

But I need to know one thing-

Did I bite you guys?

From: Whitney

You bit me. And you bit Holden.

Jade’s fine. For now. I don’t know how long though. I feel strange. Like there’s something burning in my head and down my spine. Please find us. Holden’s starting to feel strange too.

Lilah, we love you so much.

Please, don’t try to come find us. Go to college. Have fun. Make new friends. Study hard. Forget about us.

We’re dead anyway.

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

time for a quick streamofthought i guess

so i got all my results back and i’m def getting into third year so thats good bc like, idk, i said that on a triangle of tranny, disowned, and drop out i could only handle two, so theres that. i didnt get any internships i applied for and idk what i should do i should spend more time in glasgow w finn at least, its good for my soul i think, im really excited to get a saas in and move out and just like, idk, i dont want to talk to my mother, shes made it v clear what she thinks of me and theres a lot of like, not-that-hard ways i could work to repair this relationship right now that i know about (esp on like, financial tension levels) but like, that doesnt mean that i want to forgive her? or that the way shes been treating me hasnt been like, traumatising, and im really trying hard rn for it not to be like a Trauma i think theres things i can do in as it happens so that like, idk it doesnt become a Big Trauma but idk its always going to be like ,a nerve at least yknow like being queer is like a lot of microtraumas sometimes for your entire life esp transness i think but like, i dont need to be told im a perv? i dont need to be like, examined like a piece of meat every time i stand up? i dont need her to drunkenly try to throw me out at 2am and her be talked down by her weirdo potstirring partner, i dont need her weirdo partner to physically threaten me. i dont need to overhear what she says about me. i dont need to forgive any of that. i dont need to have any relationship to her. ive already estranged my older (half) sister for how she acted. right. anyway. idk im excited to go hogwild w my studies and my SA stuff this year and just live for it. im gonna like try to manage my feral anxiety atm like i should go to the doc and be like hey i get panicky in weird episodes relating to trauma, instability, and road traffic accidents and i want some propranolol pls, but also like, i can take whatever like, downer-esque drugs im proffered but like, i still need something in the system so that i enjoy things so maybe i should like microdose acid or smthn like im not that fond of weed and like mandys not good for microdosing and im fecked to find a shroom guy in aberdeen its hard enough to find someone that sells acid anyway fucking coke city also i lost my passport and i cant buy booze or fags or go out and its killing me. anyway so home is shit maybe if i didnt go off saturn we couldve moved in together sooner but whatever i still need to get my exercise bike from them and also my fixie and im kinda out of shape rn but i had a wee episode and only ate peanut butter from the jar for a while but thats okay finn hasnt been online today and im worried they didnt make it to work but it’ll be okay i kinda want multiple of their friends to strap me but thats another matter entirely also i havent seen the poetry lesbian in a while and idk what my tiny gay heart is doing there idk i get like a lot of short intense crushes and thats fine but idk if its passing or just like, i havent seen her in a while also ive hooked up with my ex twice and also my mate and im kinda feral anyway i checked in on them when i got to aberdeen then someone else and i kinda have this idea that i could move in with them and help them w this Patch their in but its like,,,,probably not a good idea like they should live w someone but idk if that should be me. i need to go to sleep now so i get rest for this shift i picked up and then i gotta

transfer money

order bus tickets

arrange a blood test

get a copy of dianes p60 for the saas

maybe change my name on the uni system

apologise to onni bc they were stuck w me in a hostel for 2 days at the height of my manic episode and i didnt realise how annoying that could be and also i just wanna check how theyre doing in sweden now?

nap

[neutralbardicmess]

Hey, I know that this isn't your responsibility or anything, you don't owe me anything especially not your time. I just want to give my perspective on the whole concept that it's swedish culture to not invite people to dine with them for dinner.

Bottom line is; I have never heard of it.

I'm swedish and seeing any posts about it just makes me go "what the heck are you guys talking about?" That have never happened to me, and so I asked everyone I know who is swedish — everyone answered the same; no one have ever been made to go without food as those viral posts describe.

I have no idea what those people are talking about. If they were made to go without food that's horrible and messed up. But I don't think that's Swedish culture.

Once again though, it is not your responsibility to hear me out... And yeah leaving people to go without food like they describe is horrid so by all means shame them.

I just wanted to provide at least the option of another perspective. It's kind of confusing to be implicitly called an child abuser because I'm swedish, just because some choice few people decided their experience was swedish culture.

I've never, would never, and will never make somebody's sit out on food. And neither have I experienced it, nor have my friends, in our 20+ years living in Sweden. I don't know what else to do, I can't really rectify this wrong because this "wrong" never really happened in the first place so how do I atone for a crime I never did? I feel kind of bad for burdening you with this. You're just a stranger on the internet, reblogging what is funny memes and I assume you think you're advocating against leaving people without food. I can't blame you for that.

I'm sorry, this is very entitled of me... If you read it all I appreciate you giving my words at least the time for that, and I hope you can forgive me for this rather selfish vent. If you didn't, that's fine too, you don't owe me anything. Regardless I hope you have a good day!

ur all good ! I dont really get asks of any kind so this is kinda new lol

ive honestly been on this hellsite long enough to not really believe most of the things i see on here bc 9 times out of 10 its just someone being a jackass---- I appreciate the input/concern though! considering i am also a jackass trying to be funny on here, i prefer getting called on my shit that way i can do better moving forward!

Tho at this rate if someones on here for a little while and their still gullible enough to fall for shitposts like the sweden thing thats going around,,,, its kind of on them? this place is a godless wasteland and they should know better akcjaknc

that being said, as long as it stays as a harmless joke i dont see an issue? but if it ends up escalating past that then ill prob just delete the posts

[shrimpcache]

Journal 3, 6/28/21

this time, from italy!

Its been a good, good time. I dont have to worry about anything; nothing exists here that must be dealt with immediately lest we face dire consequences. Ive been thinking it these weeks, but it just seems that life moves a lot slower where i am. I dont want to romanticize a country im only visiting, as i dont know the problems they face and the troubles they have to work around, but at least from my perspective, life here seems to be a life id enjoy living more. Perhaps if it wasnt so hot id change my name and move here. or maybe france, since i know more french...or sweden? Somewhere not north carolina, somewhere where the people are nice, somewhere where i feel i can be something. in north carolina, i am no one. I went to school and my teachers have already forgotten me, or they will soon. I was never enough to get attention; never good enough, never loud enough, and i could have been something to someone if anyone tried to spend the time to let me. But my melancholy of my perpetual lostness in the place meant to be my home isnt what i want to talk about; it’s always there, in the back of my head, and at least for now it can stay that way.

The buildings here are beautiful. Smooth stone with vibrant oranges and pinks and greens. The shutters here, solid wood, nearly all of them a rich and heavy brown, are real and they serve a purpose. During the day, the shutters stay closed as to let what little cool there is stay trapped inside, and to keep the burning rays of the sun out. The sun sets around 9:30, and by july, it’ll still be light past 11. But the wind between the buildings in the cobbled town is cool, and the water is spring fed, and a freezing mountain river runs down just a few minutes down the road. The mountains in the distance are lined with white, highlighted on their ridges and valleys, and the runoff over the rocks of the river is crystal blue. if it weren’t so frigid, it would be idyllic. 

We stayed in venice for two days, and there was barely any tourists in sight. Few travellers due to covid meant the streets were bearable, and the shade from all the buildings and the wind from the grand canal made for great weather. Though, its only been reinforced in my mind that any beautiful street turns terrifying at night. So much safety in my head relies on the presence of a crowd; the thought that if i screamed, someone would hear, and people would come running. We went to these two italian boys’ house, and left at 3am after smoking some hash and drinking, but I felt completely sober as we made the 20 minute trek home through empty streets. It felt more claustrophobic with no one there, like my vision had suddenly closed up and the streets ceased to be connected. When i turned around out of precaution, there was a figure there. I also dont know why ive turned on my writers brain, but something about being here and not writing for however many months has me wanting to wax poetic. 

Anyways. Here begins my scary story! If anyone besides me reads this, tw for sexual harassment.

So. theres a male figure behind us. We have our arms linked, both of us women under 5′5 and under 140 pounds, with alcohol and THC in our brains. I couldn’t feel either when i saw the guy. I tend to be paranoid, no matter what; when we were going to join the previous boys for a smoke, the whole time i wondered if these streets would close behind us, and they would remember how much we drank and the way we stumbled. But they were fine. We turned down a road to avoid the man behind us, and to my horror, it was a dead end. So we sat, and we waited silently, my friend holding her full metal waterbottle as a baton should someone round the corner to find us. We listened; footsteps echo through stone walls easily, so we assumed we’d hear when he passed. Silence for a minute. We continued.

He had waited. He was looking down at his phone, and when we reemerged, walking quickly, he resumed. After seeing the way we rushed, trying to leave him behind, desperately paying attention to google maps (without wifi, without service. No one was in reach), he called, “sorry! Sorry! im not trying to scare you guys! Sorry!”

we didn’t care. we stopped, and said, “Okay, then you can pass us.”

instead, he stopped to talk, saying we didn’t have to be afraid because he was gay (i dont think he was gay.) He said, “as my sorry for scaring you guys, i can walk you to the rialto!”

we didn’t say where our hotel was, just that we needed to get to the rialto bridge. for some reason, we didn’t say no, we know how to get there. Maybe we both had the thought that it was better to have a strange man than no man at all; the united states engrained in us that women alone are women in danger. and we felt in danger. As we walked, we tried to make conversation so that we didnt seem so afraid. We were gay too, our parents are the floor above us in the hotel (they werent. they were on another island), that they were waiting for us. Saying we’re gay too was a mistake, perhaps, because he took the inch as if it were a mile.

He started by saying he liked when women peg him. That he likes in it in the ass. We nod along, uncomfortable, not changing the subject for some reason. He stops after a while. We move through plazas, passing a few people, a group of police, heading towards the grand canal. I have my phone checking for dead ends the entire time. If he didnt want to scare us, why would he start talking about sexual things so much? that he liked girls who use strap ons? did he think liking anal made him gay? he was skinny, and my friend would flash her pseudo baton every time he stepped to close. we could easily beat him, but we didnt want that to happen.

We were close to the bridge when he asked my friend if he could come to our hotel and she would fuck him with a strap on. We both said NO, she said i dont have one. he said that she could just use her fingers. In my head, an escalation had occurred. It had gone from talking about his sexual preferences to revealing that he wanted one of us to do that to him; that he wanted something from us. that he was thinking about her fucking him. that we were suddenly involved in his desires that we hadn’t wanted any part of. It was my last straw. We quickened our pace, and i waved and said “We know where we are now. You can make your way back home, thanks for walking us!” and we left. we did everything but sprint; we went to our hotel and i could feel adrenaline under my skin, still buzzing.  It made me feel sick. A few minutes later we agreed it had been sexual harrassment, talking like that to us when we spoke nothing of it, after he had approached us in a dark alley in a country we dont speak the language of. When i think about it i still feel gross.

But other than that, its been a great time! end of this journal for now, i have tax documents to attend to. oh what weird memories im getting here.

[findteenpenpals]

hi!! so im looking for some new friends

i really want to start this off by saying ill need you to have some of the same interests as me!! pretty please. i find it hard to talk with someone who has little to no interests shared

what i like:

-bts

-red velvet

-Wednesday campanella

-joji

-post Malone

-rich chigga

-yaeji

-languages!!!!!

-traveling!!

-photography

-writing

okay so languages are my main interests and traveling is right up there with it. if you’re from the new england area, i travel there frequently and actually will be again soon!! so if you wanna become my friend and meet when i come back up there this month then uhh totally hmu

im from america and im 15 ❣❣

i love my friends & stay loyal as hell to them. im also EXTREMELY protective. ive told off people for talking shit about my friends before, i dont fuck with it 🤷

i hate racist people and homophobes. just shut up pls and thank u lol 

one of my favorite things to do is sit by the lake and watch the sunrise with a mug of hot sweet tea (im very passionate about sweet tea lmao)

when im older id like to move to sweden, south korea, or chile!! whichever one i really want.

i love dogs n cats, snow, eating, sleep, and my friends. id like friends from: korea/japan/china (surprisingly i have no friends from this area) and around the nyc/Connecticut/Rhode island/Massachusetts area so we can meet if yall are okay with it when i go up there!! but im chill with anywhere bc uhhh i need friends lmao

i would like to talk over snapchat or tumblr

here is my tumblr. my snapchat is the same username btw so if you wanna talk there just type that username in. see you soon loves 💞💞 (oh and be under 18)

[theprincessoffrost]

ALL OF THEM ;DDDDDD

oh boy all of them? You mad man.   Sorry in advance for the long post.

send me some countries!

America: What is your favourite place to eat?   I tend to like places that serve noodles. I really like this hibachi place called Huhot

Australia: Do you have any quirks when speaking? I sometimes end up stuttering but most of the time I will forget words. Sometimes its simple words like car door. Its quite embarassing.

Austria: What kind of person do you wish to be? The type of person people see as kind. The type of person who brings comfort to others.

Belarus: Is there anyone you love? Family, friends, romantic interest?   I love my friends and for the most part my family. I am not really romantically involved at the moment.

Belgium: What do you think of your siblings?  I am close with my younger brother to the point he sees me as a (non creepy) mother figure. My older brother and I used to not get along, but that has changed over the years.

Botswana: Do you like to sing? Why or why not?  I love to sing I am just shy about doing it around other people because I am not confident in my singing voice and sometimes I hear lyrics wrong so I feel like a fool if I were to sing the wrong lyrics

Bulgaria: Who do you consider close to you?  Most of my friends are close friends because I am kinda choosy about those who are close to me.

Cameroon: Describe your culture.    Um… Midwestern?

Canada: Favourite wintertime activity?   Cuddling under blankets watching movies/shows

China: What was the best moment of your life?  There are so many moments, but I guess one of my tops was being part of @spamaramakins ’s wedding

Cuba: What sort of grudges do you hold if any?  I hold one against my ex and his girlfriend for what they put me through

Cyprus: What hands-on activities do you like (drawing, carving, building, etc.)? I love to knit especially when I’m watching stuff because it keeps my hands busy. I also like small sewing projects. Coloring is also pretty fun

Denmark: Do you wish for something of your past?  I am not quite sure what this question is asking me.

Egypt: Do you stand up for what you believe in? How?     I am steadfast in most of what I believe in.

England: Are you controlling?    I think I kinda am to a point. I have anxiety so typically I try to control situations so as not to give myself an attack.

Estonia: Do you think people often misunderstand you?    I don’t think they misunderstand me I just think I am not clear with what I’m trying to convey at any given point

Finland: What do you prefer, kindness, sternness, or apathy?   Kindness

France: How do you show love for those you care for?   Spoil them to the best of my ability.

Germania: What is the hardest thing you have ever had to do?  Admit to myself that he was no good and that I deserved better than what I got and to move past it.

Germany: Do you have a hard time forgiving yourself?  Yes

Ghana: What is your favourite sport?  I am not really a fan of sports at all.

Greece: Do you let other help you when in need? I try to be open to advice. If its financial things I am a bit less open because I dont really like people spending money on me.

Hungary: Who is the person you trust most?  My close friends

Hutt River: What is the most memorable dream or nightmare you have had?   When I was a child I lived in this old farm house in the middle of town. The basement was not really a basement more of a shelter from tornado. It had a cinder block side and dirt floor.  I had nightmares where this Dr Seuss character lived down there, but the basement was more of a vast desert and he wanted me dead.

Hong Kong: Do you fear death?   Not really

Iceland: Do you hide your real personality? Why?    Sometimes? I can get a bit harsh on my opinions of others sometimes and I try to hide that.

India: How important is family to you?  For the most part it is pretty important. I do believe in loyalty, but sometimes you have to admit that family can be wrong.

Japan: Tell us a secret about yourself.  I am not very confident in the stories I post.

Kenya: What is your favourite wild animal? OH this is a tough one!  Its between Foxes(all sorts), Tigers, and  Wolves

Korea: What is one thing you accomplished by yourself?  … nothing springs to mind

Kugelmugel: Is there anyone you have a love-hate relationship with?  There was this girl back in school. I havent seen here in years.

Latvia: Do you believe you are brave?  I guess to a point I am.

Ladonia: What is the internet site you visit most often?  Its a tie between Ao3 and Tumblr

Liechtenstein: How do people underestimate you most often?  When I am helping people move(which is kinda a surprising amount) I am often seen as weak and not strong enough to help move furniture.

Lithuania: Do you desire power?   Nah. That is for others

Macau: What is your favourite festival or celebration?  Im a fan of Halloween because of all the decorations and such. Like seriously if I lived on my own most of my decor would be Halloween

Molossia: Do you consider yourself strong?  I guess in the same regard as being brave yes?

Monaco: Do you think you are a lucky person? To have the friends I do yes I am pretty lucky

New Zealand: Would you rather be an elf, dwarf, Hobbit, or wizard?  Elf those guys are graceful as hell

North Italy: What is your least favourite part of your personality?  I get timid in the face of conflict

Norway: What was the most disappointing time in your life?   The end of my relationship with my ex. There was a lot going on that was really not good.

Netherlands: Most generous thing someone has done for you? Just about anything anyone does for me is really freakin generous.

Poland: Hardest thing you have gone through? I was cheated on and treated like dirt and was in a very bad situation for quite a while

Prussia: Would you prefer to live forever or die alone? I guess between the two id rather live forever?

Roman Empire: How would you like to be remembered?  For my awesome personality

Romania: What is something you are very ashamed of? The fact I didnt leave a clearly bad situation sooner

Russia: Have you ever suffered from low self esteem? Do you still?   Yes and yes

Sealand: Who is your best friend?  That is a loaded question I will choose to bypass

Seborga: What is your favourite beverage?  TEA!!!!

Seychelles: How do you handle people being rude to you?  It depends on the person. If its someone I know ill try to make it clear they are being rude. If its not someone I know I kinda try to be passive aggressive.

South Italy: What is your favourite part of your personality? How generous I can be

Spain: What would you tell to the person or people you hurt most if you had a second chance? Thing is despite what my answers are saying about my past I try not to dwell on who I have hurt and who has hurt me. I do hold a grudge against persons but I wouldn’t change that past nor would I change what I have done. Better to look forward than to constantly be looking back

Sweden: Are you a leader, follower, or independent?  It kinda depends on the people im with and if things would be done faster if I lead. Overall im a follower

Switzerland: Would you consider yourself evil, good, or neutral?  Good neutral

Thailand: How good is your poker face? Pfft no

Tibet: What do you value most? trust

Taiwan: What do you think of the people or person who raised you?   I do take issue with them overall

Turkey: Would you ever want children?  At present I do not imagine myself with children. I am not a fan of them overall

Uganda: How would you like others to see you?  As a kind if quiet person

Ukraine: What is one thing that has made you stronger in life?  The past hardships ive overcome

Vietnam: What is something you are proud of about yourself?  My wrighting even if I am not confident in it

Yemen: What kind of art do you like?  If we are talking styles Art Deco has a place in my heart

Zimbabwe: Who is your favourite character from any folklore?  I would have to say the lady in white

[himlarna]

Tagged!

I was tagged by the big nerd @wingsofthenorth, who is most definitely a bigger nerd than me. Just, so big of a nerd, such much more, yes

Name: Hannah Nickname: ...Hahhah. my friends are dorks Age: 22 ( i dont think ive updated my description lmao) Date of Birth: 10th may Nationality: SSSSSSwede Heritage: ^^^ Religion: Nah

Current Place of Residence: With my mom and dog, in sweden. Where I was born and raised. I have never moved it will be a hassle when I have to Education: Uh, I don’t know what the english equivalent of these things r, but... Like I studied at gymnasiet? And it was kinda partly about writing, and art, and that kind of stuff. Mostly writing.  Car: No the thought of driving gives me anxiety I dont like the thought of everybody around the street judging my driving Skills or Abilities: Mariocart. Im just gonna put that first. Then, Writing, I guess? Giving my dog little forehead kisses? Finding all the places she likes to be scratched? Yes these are very important skills im not even being sarcastic shes the most importaqnt. I DO NAILS GOOD YES I ALMSOT FORGOT Pets: Uh did I mention my dog because i have a dog Marital Status: Fuck no never gonna be a man’s wife the thought disgusts me. Would maybe marry a woman tho, maybe Children: F U C K  N O Siblings: he’s dead to me :    ) Height: 177 cm, last i checked Weight: how the fuck would i know we havent had a scale in this house for over ten years Eye Color: brown Hair Color: brown Disorders/Disabilities: Uh, does mental ones count? There are mental shit goin on all up in this brain in my skull, someone ought to give it a talking to. Its gonna have to be me probably, gdamn (more details of current knowledge: depersonalization disorder, social anxiety, anxiety panic syndrome(? how do i translate this right) and, uh, shit i think there was something more but i cant remember) Some Traits about me: uh, im, pretty sociable, i guess? but p much only if others talk to me first, because otherwise i freak out about them not wanting to talk to me and not wanting to be friends with me. And im like, a bit creative, i guess? why would you ask me to just freehand this its hard. i spend too much time on the computer probably and my phone constantly has a full memory Favorite Food: fuckn, i dont know, pizza is p good? yeah pizza is good. i want pancakes right now tho, with homemade jam, gonna have to go pick some raspberries first tho i picked some but its far from enough to make jam out of Favorite Drink: applejuice is good. I used to like orange juice more but then i drank a bunch of screwdrivers and now i can just taste vodka Top 5 Movies: uhm, idk? the new ghostbusters was p good i guess, idk idk Top 5 TV Shows: Avatar the last airbender, ledgend of korra, steven universe, gravity falls? brooklyn 99? idk i cant remember anyhting, the only other two non-animated shows i remember watching is supernatural and the 100 and i have kiiiiiinda come to hate both so, [If anime] Shit, i don’t know. I’ve watched one punch man, mob psyco 100, and my hero academia recently but i dont know if theyre my favourites Top 5 Songs: I can never answer these questions honestly, because 1: what songs i like the most changes like from day to day and 2: there are so many people who like to judge others based on their music taste and like critize songs and call them bad even tho its p much all subjective and therefore a pointless thing to do, so i just kind of.. dont want to open myself up to it, u dig? like i use music to cope with shit i dont need self-rightous assholes coming along and ruining all the songs i listen to for me Favorite Sport: everyhting that isnt soccer. fuck soccer. Favorite Book/Book Series: the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy (the writing style is something i want to incoperate into my own writing, a bit) [If manga] idkidk Favorite Color: purple and black Broken Bones: nope never not planning on trying it Fears: dude. no. And I’m tagging; @0762974005 why are u a bunch of numbers now do u know how hard it was to find you, u little shit, hope u stop being sick soon krya på dej bb

[sweetlifetownsville]

To End The Year, A Mini-Magpie With A Mini Mystery.

Has mega-fraudster Craig Gore skipped Australia? And if so, why hasnt this been reported in the media especially since he is supposed to have made a midnight flit the very day after a judge refused to allow him to leave? In other matters, one has to admit that the Townsville Bulletin is consistent it has ended the year as it started, continuing its weekly Olympic-standard shambles. And Mongrel the Barrister has left us lawyer Mark Donnelly, the man who inspired a much loved Magpie character has passed away. and our final visit to Trumpistan for 2018. But first Its hard to keep a good man down, and our fav toonist Bentley is nothing if not a good man. Even in the holiday season, he casts his jaundiced eye over the news, and brings us a different and rib-tickling perspective. This week, he was much taken as most of us were with the drone drama at Gatwick Airport in the UK. A professional drone was reported in the airports approach and departure air space, and thousands of travellers were stuck when the whole shebang was shut down for a couple of days while the wallopers tried to go hi-tech and trace the source of the bastardry. Its not fully sorted yet, but Bentley thinks the drone may have already met its fate.

Why Arent All The Gore-y Details Available?

Will ye no come back agin, laddie? Now to our mini-mystery. On December 19, this report appeared in the Courier Mail. Judge denies disgraced former rich-lister Craig Gore request to travel overseas Vanessa Marsh, The Courier-Mail December 20, 2018 2:21pm A DISGRACED former rich-lister accused of ripping off almost $800,000 from investors has broken down in court after a judge refused his request to leave the country to visit family. Lawyers for alleged fraudster Craig Gore today launched an application in the Queensland District Court, seeking for the former businessmans bail conditions to be altered to allow him to travel to Sweden to visit his wife and children. But Judge Paul Smith denied the request, saying Gore faced a long time in prison if convicted and there was a real risk he would not return to Australia to face trial. Gore is facing 12 charges of fraud over allegations he swindled about $800,000 from self-managed super fund investors in 2013-14. He also faces three charges of managing companies while disqualified. Now that seems pretty definitive and eminently sensible. But The Magpie was informed two days later, by a regular contact and mate who has always been on the money in the past, that Gore went back to court the next day on another application, and had his passport returned so he could be with his family in Sweden at Christmas. He was to return in three months to face trial and possibility of a lengthy striped suntan. The Pies contact says Gore was on a flight out of Brisbane that night at 11pm, accompanied by a lawyer (that was apparently part of the arrangement) who will return with certain paperwork. Gore will be expected to make his own way back to face his fate in March. Yeah, right. Now all that is as it may be, BUT THIS SPECTACULAR REVERSAL OF A JUDGES IMPLACABLE DECISION HAS BEEN NEITHER EXPLAINED OR APPEARED IN THE MEDIA. Well, not that The Magpie can find, after days of searching to verify. If it is true, there will be a hell of a lot of very pissed off people Gores victims and the tireless investigators who nailed him who know just how long are the odds that we will ever see this shyster again. Shades of Skase!! Perhaps we will never know how this came about if it did come about because there will be a lofty judicial silence of unaccountability if he is a no show but surely the second hearing was an open court? Hard to fathom why it wasnt reported. Mongrel The Barrister Is No More The Magpies good mate Mark Sludge Donnelly the man who partially inspired the popular Magpie character Mongrel the Barrister, died in his family home in Cairns last weekend. It is fair to say that Mark was my best mate in the halcyon days of Portraits Bar in the Exchange Hotel all through the Noughties, the years when I was reporting court matters for the Bulletin. We were part of a memorable and disparate group, the bar crowded with our marvellously mixed group every Thursday, Friday and sometimes Saturday nights. (The fondly remembered Portraits became Poseurs Bar in the newspaper column and then in this blog.) Mark was universally known as Sludge, which he happily answered to, but never fully explained, even to me, its origins apparently it had something to do with a memorable comment from a lecturer or senior teacher suggesting Marks behaviour at that time some comparable to something from the bottom of a pond. Sludge was one of the wittiest people Ive known, and his memory was nothing short of astounding, not just for quoting legal precedents but in all things, particularly pop music. He always commandeered the music machine at parties, and was a pretty good DJ. He also had an eye for a well turned ankle, and his way of getting ladies to talk about themselves endeared him to more than one. Like many a member of the Portraits push, Mark liked a drink, and some believed he was a bit too enthusiastic in this direction. But I would say that rather than having a battle with the bottle, he just had frequent skirmishes with it, as we all did and any excess rarely affected his work at the other more sedate bar, where he often shone. Mark left Townsville when his father died, to live with his mother in the family home in Cairns. He didnt practice in Cairns, and went into virtual retirement, which was plagued by ill health for some time. He returned to Townsville annually for his birthday, but I lost touch in the past few years, for which I feel a bit miserable now. Sludge is now undoubtedly arguing the finer points about the Laws of Entry with St Peter for that is certainly where this witty, soft-hearted old friend of mine now is because we all know God loves a larrikin. Mark was 62. They Really Dont Understand Language at The Astonisher, Do They? And they even get the wrong WORD for a headlines. Even when theyre trying to make a pun, which kinda depends on the right word, yes? But we got a headline quoting some bizoid saying Townsville is bracing for a great 2018. Bracing for? Ahem. Youve managed to say EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of what you meant. Heres the dictionary definition of bracing. verb[withobject] prepare (someone or oneself) forsomethingdifficult or unpleasant:both stations arebracingthemselvesforjoblosses|policeare braced fora trafficnightmare. So although this paper goes through life like a bouncing Hari Krishna whos visited the medicine cabinet once too often, giving us totally unquestioning, unexamined glop about our economy (usually from someone with a vested interest), it seem to have inadvertently hit on the truth here. However, the most tedious aspect of the paper of late is the dreary attempts at humour in headlines, particularly about crime, a subject no one in Townsville with the exception of you folks in Flinders Street, finds the least bit funny. AND EVEN THEN, LANGUAGE FAILS YOU let alone a sharp sense of humour.Take this major front page fail on Thursday.

Swindler? My dear headline writer, stay with me on this and read slowly, feel free to move your lips as you must. Now lets see, a swindler is someone who fiddles some unsuspecting victim out of something. That person would be called a fiddler, and if hidden in a ceiling, could be described as ta da a Fiddler In The Roof. You see, this would then coincide with the hit musical of the same name oh, how we would have all fallen about, clutching our sides in mirth, and holding your superior wit in such esteem!!! But swindler? Now weve just got a headache from smacking our foreheads yet again. And this one in simply NOT TRUE. This online

The actual number of people who said (or may have said, who knows, its probably a fiddled fantasy anyway) was 55% of the 700 or so people who responded to a totally uncontrolled survey. If there area 220,000 potential readers (ha! you wish) in the circulation area, the percentage is not even .5 of one percent. But we all know that the on-line edition is sloppy, so the paper itself will temper the outlandish claims, wont it? Errr no.

This is simply lying, and treating people like morons. And still they wonder But barely have we swallowed our anger before we start scratching our heads over weird genuinely weird stories like this, which would suggest that English isnt TEL boss Patricia OCallaghans first language, or she was suffering mild sunstroke when she was penned the media release from which the story was transcribed.

This story is selective twaddle certainly straight off an unedited media release from the Dudley Do Nothings, meaningless twaddle in which Ms OCallaghan specialises. It has often been said of her that she has the gift of the gab, and aint that the truth, just about all of what she has to say, in The Pies experience, is just that meaningless gabble that sounds good until it is more thoughtfully examined. Like this: The Museum of Underwater Art, located within the heart of The Great Barrier Reef, is a proposal based on the works of international sculpture and underwater artist Jason deCaires Taylor. Whats that bit located in the heart of the Great Barrier Reef? Has there been a Krakatoa-like geographic shift we havent noticed? The Underwater Museum, one of several planned along the coast, will be, at last report, just of Maggy Island, the GBR is a at least an hour or more away by fast cat . But in it goes to the story, with a newbie cub reporter just churning out this PR bumf. But wait, theres more. We then get this prize piece of meaningless gabble from the top executive charged with attracting and promoting tourism to Townsville: Its a project that is going to enhance the Great Barrier Reef experience and also educate visitors on how we manage and live with the reef everyday Ms OCallaghan said. That is absolute poppycock that is totally meaningless. And We? Bloody WE? FFS, girl, get a bloody grip. Insulting, uppity tripe from Ms OCallaghan and lazy, presumably unsupervised reporting (read: select all, copy and paste) by a very uncurious junior reporter (read: stenographer). Really, a monkey using scrabble board wouldve made more sense. The clusterfuck continues no wonder were so deep in the shit. Other matters As if golf didnt already have enough hazards.

Words of Wisdom From Two Funny Men

Frankie Boyle The cleverest quote of the week comes from the Scottish comedian Frankie Boyle in the Guardian. But first, his preamble touched a chord for The Magpie, who can vouch for it when Mr Boyle writes: The plight of the satirist, such as it is, is a compulsion to look at the grimmest, most important thing they can think of, and then for reasons that probably wouldnt survive a really good therapist, try to make it funny. To try to address the iniquities of their society, the satirist must manufacture some hope that what theyre doing might make a difference, then type it all up and send it off somewhere before they remember that it never does. Looking back over the events of this year is a bit like holding a doll for a therapist and pointing to where the bad man hurt you. Mr Boyles point is a universal one, which can be shared by Townsvilleans looking back over the past shambolic year. But his prize quote is so subtle, that you may have to think about for a while The Pie roared after a few seconds. The murder ofJamal Khashoggiby Saudi Arabia is another very difficult subject to find the lighter side of, unless someone in the Ecuadorean embassy has clipped the story out and stuck it to the fridge. (Sigh) Dear Mystified of Mysterton, it means that the Ecuadoreans might be giving their Wikileaks guest Julian Assange a hint.

Dave Barry The other funnyman worth a quote is the inimitable Dave Barry , the American columnist who talks about Florida the way The Magpie talks about Townsville only he is far funnier, proof being that The Magpie pinches more of his lines (many) than he does of The Magpies (none). This was his challenge to a graduating class, but it can just as well apply to the year 2019. How are you, Class, going to respond when the Clock-Radio of Challenge emits the Irritating Buzz of Opportunity? Are you going to roll over and hit the Snooze Button of Complacency? Or are you going to wake up and, after performing the Bodily Functions of Preparedness, boldly grasp the Toothbrush of Tomorrow? And no matter what you do in the coming year, make sure youre always politically correct, so no snowflakes will melt before your harsh words.

And So To This Week In Trumpistan First, compare Trump as Commander In Chief of real US soldiers, on his surprise visit to Iraq

Guess whos wondering if she packed the shampoo? with this.

And now to our final gallery of the year about the man Frankie Boyle described as this troll-doll King Lear, who looks like something youd pick off a baking tray after cooking pizza above it.

And Finally How The Hell ? The Pie has been occasionally upbraided for the use of naughty words in this blog well, one word in particular. He is aware that it can be confronting, but it is the other F word Frustration that compels him to sometimes resort to other for emphasis. Anyway, so what, if its good enough for Sesame Street, its good enough for The Pie. .. So that was the year that was, and what a rip-snorter we have coming up. Turns out this edition wasnt so mini after all. Comments run throughout the holiday break 24/7, so you dont have to wait to have your say. And the New Year will look even rosier for the old bird if you think the Nest is worth a small donation to keep it neat and tidy. The how to donate button is below. HAPPY NEW YEAR, YALL. http://www.townsvillemagpie.com.au/to-end-the-year-a-mini-magpie-with-a-mini-mystery/

[andreinaxx]

catfished

It was late April when this happend to me and my internet friends. My friends from Sweden named Fatima and Natalie made a groupchat with me and all my internet friends with me included, they told us that “ Cole “ wasnt who he said he was, Cole was our internet friend and he lied to us about how he looked. I posted a picture of the guy who he was using and he dm’d me saying how i got the picture and I sent him the actual girls Instagram and he deactivated. A couple nights ago he told my friend Leila that he would kill me if he had the chance too, im just starting to think that he was salty that I was the one who discovered that he lied, so I basically took one for the team. My friend Daila was starting to like him and it made me upset because in March of 2017 Cole and I had a thing and I liked him and he liked me I guess. So we would sorta talk everyday and once spring break came around we stopped and I was hurt you know. I felt like it was my fault for what happend to us but I gave him my all, so I then tried to move on and i got a boyfriend and I was happy and everything was good I guess you can say , but then later on I wasnt happy because before my boyfriend and I started dating he talked too my two friends Maya and Mia and I would always ask him why he didnt want to hangout with me and my friends and he said he felt uncomfortable so I was like okay and it felt like he didnt even try you know? Because he wanted me to go to him to hangout with him and I didnt like that I felt like it didnt matter. So I broke up with him because I wasnt happy and I liked being single and just doing me. So then May rolls around and Cole logs into my friends account to talk or I guess see what we were talking about and he saw that we were talking about him and he said shit, but if hes all about “ maturity “ and you want someone out of your life dont come back and talk to them. Cole apologized to Daila and I guess he felt bad for leaving her which I dont care because I told her how I felt about the situation I would cry to my bestfriend ( Jenny)  over this and it was stupid of me. Because when im 60 none of this is going to matter to me or him or anyone. So my friend Daila started crying over this situation because she said it was a repeat of what happend in Janurary with her and Luke. So I told her what I needed to say and that she didnt have to cry over this or him because he wasnt real or she will never FUCKEN MEET HIM. So she told me that i couldnt relate to what she was feeling she was right but I related to how he would talk to her because he would talk to me that way and it made me mad. So I told her she could talk to him that no one was stopping her and that no one is telling her not to do it because its her life not ours. So I didnt really bother to care about it I ignored it and moved on with my life, so I guess. I guess I tried to be a good friend but maybe it wasnt enough. So I blocked him on snapchat I dont have him on instagram and I dont even care to think about him or the feelings I had towards him. Now I can say ive done something that im never going to do again. But thats how I got catfished for almost a year. 

- xoxo andreina u. 

[rznjun]

13, 14, 17, 33 (i really want to know too aksjsj👀, 26, 43, 62, 69 (i think i already know the answer but aksjsj😈), 83, 92, 113, 141, 153, 159, 167 these are a lot good luck bub aksjs💕

shdhjsfgsd i guess its only fair you ask me so many too i love you lina 💕💕💕

send me some numbers?

 13. When did you fall in love for the first time:tbh im not sure if ive ever fallen in love up till now??? i totally thought i was in love with the girl i liked but when i got into a relationship with her every feeling just vanished so ?? ??? idk im still waiting for it to happen jsjdhjs

14. Who Is Your Longest Friend & How Long:probably my sister [is that sad] apparently she hated me at first but after i turned 1 she got used to me and i rly think ive been friends the longest with her lol

17. When was the last time you laughed hard:i think it was last thursday bcs my mom and my sister and i went to an amusement park and we had so much fun my mom always makes the weirdest sounds in attractions sdhjshfjdsf

33. What is the most embarrassing thing you have done drunk?hfdjshfj this revenge,,,,,, ,,anyway like i said ive luckily never thrown up but im a very affectionate drunk [st op me] but like the first time i went out i slept over at a friend’s and we ended up spooning and i kept kissing her back WHICH WAS SUPER AWKWARD FOR HER but i thought i was being extremely cute and she still wont let it go to this day pls send help

26. Is your ideal occupation?occupation as in job? bcs i have absolutely no clue as to what i want to do later :/ id love to do smth creative or to do with the arts but thats rly tough so i honestly dont know :(((

43. Favorite movie?this question will forever haunt me??? idk ive never been able to pick a favorite movie,,,i mean i like the lotr series and captain america: the winter soldier was really good but favorite?? ehhhhh??????

62. If money were no concern, what would you do for the rest of your life?id drop out of school immediately and travel the world and paint and draw and design and just live the life i want to have omg

69. Would you rather be in a relationship with a totally submissive partner or a totally dominant partner?dhsajhd im pretty certain you guessed right bcs im going for the dominant partner lmao although i dont want them to be totally dominant [in bed is fine tho sdsjfsddsfdg] in normal life we’d have to be of equal standing!!!

83. Describe the last dream you remember: i always have rly stupid and boring dreams jsjhsd i only dreamt that i just woke up and had a normal vacation day and then i had to work and then i woke up in my dream and i thought i had to do my whole day over again but then i actually woke up in real life and i realised i didnt have to work dsjfhdjhfskf

92. Do you smoke cigarettes or cigars? What about marijuana? ive never smoked cigarettes or cigars and definitely dont plan to ugh smoking is gross but i have smoked a joint once [i also had space cake that was WILD] anyway the joint made me feel a lil funny but it mostly made me cough and wasnt worth the throat ache lol

113. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?ahh this is so difficult! i think i would like to move to a place like sweden maybe? or korea lets be real dsjd

141. What are you like when you’re drunk? like i said im so affectionate it could get annoying dshdfhs i always confess my love to anyone and im just overall in a good and happy mood so id say im a fun drunk to be around, esp if you dont mind me kissing and hugging you jsjdjsjd

153. What is your biggest goal in life?to be happy i think,,,,, that sounds so sad sdgsjhd but id just like to have enough money to travel where i want and maybe one day settle down [w/ a girlfriend pls]

159. Describe your dream girl/guy?alright so my dream gal would really have to be someone i can laugh with! laughing is one of the most important things in my life so thatd come first and she’d have to be a bit pragmatic and like,,,, not talk abt our love as if its never ending and stuff??? like im too much of a capricorn to believe in ‘true love’ or ‘the one’ hdshjd but i guess if she can get me to believe in it thatd be great too!!! also calm and collected when it comes to approaching difficult subjects but she totally needs to know how to have a good time too jsjdds anway im a pragmatic bitch with standards that are way too high so im never gonna get a gf either way lmao

167. Favorite fictional character (movie, book, tv show)? AHH DIFFICULT omg i dont know? okay i LOVE olivier armstrong from fma brotherhood but thats bcs im just super gay for her,,,,,,,,also lance from voltron bcs i relate to the boy so much! he’s just a sad gay who needs some lovin :’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’(((((((((( yeah i guess those two sdsjf im probably gonna think abt this again and come up with some better answer lol