#dont send me shit like this defending a WEAPON over peoples LIVES

[timeisacephalopod]

Not American? Then your opinion is worth zero.

Your gun won't fuck you, buddy.

Also this is my blog so fuck off if you feel the need to send ignorant anon messages because I find certian gun people's bizarre murder fantasies that leaves them a morally superior hero to whoever they shot (and the examples are almost always extremely petty reasons that do not have a death sentence attached to them even IN America) is fucking disturbing. Sorry you think guns are more important than human lives but that's exactly no one's problem but YOURS. Also most illegal guns in MY country, Canada, come from YOUR COUNTRY so I have every right to care but I'll bet you don't know NEAR as much about Canadian anything as I do America so 🙄

Don't let the knob go up your ass on the way out, no lube on that.

[littlespaceporgs]

The Clone Wars Reacts - Part 5

Or Leah loses her shit at Jar Jar, thirsts for Aayla Secura for an episode and a half, and then swoons for Riyo Chuchi.

Welcome once more to the Reacts series! I’m a busy woman for now but I am setting up a schedule for this series which will be

Today we’re covering episodes 12, 13, 14 and BONUS! 15. This is because I got super bored during episode 14 and basically didnt write anything so, here you go! As per usual, major spoiler alert for season 1 of the clone wars! If you haven’t read the previous parts to this series, I suggest you do so that you can follow along! 

Part 1 - Episodes 1 and 2 Part 2 - Episodes 3, 4 and 5 Part 3 - Episodes 6, 7 and 8 Part 4 - Episodes 9, 10 and 11

Tags (if you want to join, my taglist can be found on my page!): @likeshootingstarsinthenightsky @girlvader @simping-for-fives @littlevodika @hounding-around @pro-fangirls-unsocial-life @onabouteverything @acciokenobi @catsnkooks @captainrexstan @roseofalderaan @fractiouskat

We’re well past the half-way point, so there is 2 parts left of season 1, and then onto season 2! So lets get into it!

Episode 12: The Gungan General

> heheheheheheheh jar jar I am KEEN

> I get hondo and jar jar in one episode

>> this’ll be funny

>>> actually no scratch that, this is gonna be hilarious

> oh and they woke up in a cell this will be fun

> HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA AND THEYRE BOUND TO DOOKU

> DISASTER I TELL YOU

> “if I keep my mouth shut you’ll devise a plan so get off the god forsaken planet?” “YES”

> this dude seems traitorous as fuck (im referring to one of the pirates, not dooku shockingly)

> I wish Ahsoka and Yoda were in this too, I want more disaster lineage

> ah he is indeed a traitor

> “HEIDY HO CHANCELLOR”

> JAR JAR WHOO

> “stop messing around, we’re landing. Secure yourself” “MESA TRYING ITS STUCK”

> promptly followed by jar jar falling everywhere

> oh and now he’s in the cockpit

> oh shit that senator guy is definitely dead right?

> “do control tour protégées insolence” “anakin, control your insolence, the count is concentrating”

> “do we know where we’re going?” “Ssh anakin” “DO we know where we’re going?”

> is it safe? Of course it i- riiiiiight

>> I forgot this was the clone wars for a second, this is gold

> FRIENDS DONT DRUG FRIENDS HONDO

> y’know, dooku’s quite amusing when he’s not trying to kill my favourite characters

> “are you now in command” “uh no, binks is the highest ranking” ooooohhhh boy

> ooooooohhhh and some mind tricks too, nice

> I hate to say this, but jar jar is actually smart

> holy shit

> beasties are nearby too, we’ll be fine. they run, we run

>> Dayum jar jar actually making good decisions?

> I present a real and accurate image of my reaction to this statement

> Mesa be having an idea oooohhh booooyyy

> obi wan that is no way to speak to your grandmaster

> be patient master the count is elderly and doesn’t move like he used to

> I would kill you both now if I didn’t have to drag your bodies

>> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH this is the only reaction I’ll accept

> then falling all over each other is the only thing I’ve ever needed to see

> “ this is not going well” no shit

> my question is why did obi wan not drop Dooku?? Does he actually still care about this man?

> you’re right, I don’t think youre going to be friends 🤦‍♀️😂

> sneaky lying snake

> bruh they don’t even know you’ve got the Jedi captive??????????

>> so how does that work you dumbass

> no shit, you will look like fools obi wan

> “there be some bombad clankers” 😂😂

>> “huh YOURE right, bombad clankers” I love the shock

> YOURE RIGHT HE IS SMARTER THAN HE LOOKS, GIVE JARJAR SOME CREDIT

> oh boy anakin, just keep your mouth shut genius

> man electrocution doesn’t look like fun

> HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH

> The next few lines of confused joy are me reacting to jar jar somehow single handedly taking out 3 tanks

> what the fuck

> JarJar I I’m what-

> JUST DID A GOOD THING, I DONT REGERT THIS THING AT ALLLLLLLL

> fuckin JarJar was great

> “KILL HIM HES NOT A REPRESENTATIVE, HES A PLAGUE” I’m ded 💀😢💀

> serves you right you snake, now dooku gonna choke your ass

> oooohhhhh that’s how these two twits (hondo and obi-wan) became friends

> “and... he knows where you live” Oof the subtle threat is real

> hem I love obi wan very much and his sarcasm

 Episode 13: Jedi crash

> I JUST SAW AAYLA I AM EXCITED I AM ALSO ATTRACTED TO HER VERY MUCH

> SHES HOT

> I LOVE HER

> AND HER VOICE JUST MAKES ME ☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️

> I wish I was bly, not gonna lie

> I have a quick question - the 501st colour is blue right? Then why do they have a gold squad, doesn’t the extra colours just confuse things?

> I love seeing anakin and Ahsoka in action coolest thing to watch

> And anakin

>> I am also quite attracted to him

>>> imagine dragging your hands through that hair as he- wait no I have minors in my followers not gonna finish that

> Uh oh

>> Oh anakin you twit

>>> HE LOCKED HOMSELF IN WITH AN EXPLOSION JDGKJDJFKFKFKFKFF

> HES INSANE

> Are all Jedi so reckless? Just the good ones - love this by the way

> Oooohh shit for a STAR

> I mean like? I know anakin doesn’t die, but this shit is concerning

> Perfected the art of destroying ships and getting master almost killed? Sounds familiar

> I hate it when they just call them “padawan “ it just feels very impersonal like bleh

> Like I love aayla but god the Jedi preach some bullshit

>> God forbid someone raises a child and gets attached to it

>>> Like for fucks sake

>>>> Can you tell this is something I’m passionate about?

> Anyway, moving on

> Oh hi anakin! You’re alive!

> That bird lookin thing is tryna eat my boy 😤

> Oop - well that dudes dead

> Aawwwwwww aayla looks so sad, this makes me sad too

> Can we just appreciate this?

> Well these little critters are cute

> Ooooohhh I think I agree with this little dude

> You can skip the paragraph if you like, its just me going off about ‘peacekeeping’

> Alright gonna get mildly into it for a second, the clone wars really gets into it with episodes like this, displaying how the entire galaxy was starting to lose faith in the Jedi and their peacekeeping ways, in the movies we just got that people just started hating the Jedi because they became part of the war, but this really fleshes it out and shows just how slowly and gradually the loss of faith is. Because he’s right, the Jedi aren’t peacekeepers anymore, they bring as much destruction with them that the separatists do and have become symbols of war. They’re fighting for a good reason yes, but they can no longer claim that they are peacekeepers or that they played no role in this war.

> ANYWAY BACK TO REACTS

> AH MY TWO FAVOURITE WOMEN AND A PRETTY BACKGROUND AGAIN!! They really do be doing me a great service

Part 14: Defenders of Peace

> I’m really not into this episode, just saying it now

> Anakins just as bad as obi wan, like honestly just chill bro, fucking REST

>> MY BOYS DESERVE SOME GODDAMN REST AND I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL OK-

> Okay but is it taking a life if it’s a droid?

> Ugh this dudes ugly as fuck

> What did you think was gonna happen?? Of course your village was going to be ransacked

> I could go on forever about the pointlessness of this war like it just makes me mad palpatine you slimy git-

> My reacts this episode are really boring huh, I’m not into it 😭

*fully I didn’t write anything for about 10 minutes here because it’s just a little boring*

> HOLY SHIT NOW THATS A FUCKING WEAPON

> Yep sorry that’s it for this ep, I’m so bored 😂

>> Anyway, bonus episode because that one was short!

Part 15: Trespass

> YES OBIWAN WOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO

> AND IS THAT RIYO CHUCHI I SPY?????

> Hahahahahahahhahahaha it’s not tatooine, you got that right

> Oh god this dude already sounds like a dick (its the chancellor dude but not palpatine)

> Why’s he so defensive over it?

> Oh yikes, that does not look good

> Seppies don’t do that though - this is... odd

> Ah and the same thing has been done to the droids

> Off topic, but I think I’m going to make a clone wars drinking game that I can do while I do my reacts, so I’m going to make that this week, send me your ideas in the comments or dm me!

> Back to ep - pfffffffttt obi wans little taps and then anakin really goes WHACK

> Anyway I’m going to do this in the next couple days and then every Friday night I’ll watch a few eps and drink away

> Alright back to the episode once more

> Abominable snowman????

>> Definitely

> This is gonna go well isn’t it?

> “Well? Say something”

>> “Just shut up” *visible eye roll*

> What the fuck is their mouth

> Okay really obi wan, I think it’s pretty clear they don’t speak basic

> YEEEEEEAAAHHH THATS MY BOI ANAKIN

> Awwwwwwww that shits cute, fucking bear huugggg I want to be hugged like that

> I’m not fussed if it’s anakin, obi wan or kit fisto but please someone love me

>> Preferably kit fisto

> Anyway this dudes a dick (again, its the chancellor dude)

> They obviously have intelligence, and this dude has issues

>> I’m thinking he’s trying to compensate for something 👀

> Oof you really gonna tell a Jedi what to do?

> HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA the other people’s were there already

> Ugh he reminds me of my very racist grandparents oh boy

> You’ve been told like 4 times that it is not your jurisdiction anymore and you still can’t take it?

>> BRUH

> She’s so tiny and adorable and her voice is just 🥰🥰🥰🥰

>> Oh no

>>> I’m simping for another character

> Surely this guy dies

> HAHAHAHAHAH HE JUST GOT SPEARED SERVES YOU RIGHT MOTHERFUCKER

> What a dick, he shall not be missed

> She’s just, so pretty??? And smart????

>> FUCK MY BISEXUAL ASS CANT HANDLE THIS

> he’s seriously not dead yet?

> AAAHH RIYO YOU SMART GIRL YEEEEESSSS NEGOTIATE THAT PEEEEAAACCEEEE

> THATS MY GIRL SENATOR CHUCHI YEEEESSS

Welp that’s it for today folks, it was lovely, see y’all at some point this week where I say the drinking game rules and then next drunken Friday (even though these are gonna be released on saturdays but I write them on fridays?)

[fuckimtryin-blog]

so

you know that trope where the Chosen One has to go find their mentor, but their mentor is actually an old drunk (who is super traumatised but the narrative isn’t going to go into that much except for a lil bit of Manpain) and is all gruff and cynical and refuses to help

only the mentor is convinced by the pureness of the Chosen One’s heart into helping

well that

but

the prospective mentor (who is a lady because fuck the patriarchy women get to be unlikable bitter alcoholic old soldiers too) takes one look at the Chosen One

and goes Fuck No

and of course the Chosen One and his entourage goes 'oh she’s just bitter and disillusioned we’ll bring her round with the power of hope', because that’s how Chosen Ones work. only after the Chosen One makes his impassioned speech on how great the Good Old Days with the Wise and Benevolent Order of Knights keeping the kingdom Peaceful and Prosperous before they were purged by the Evil King

this bitter, lewd old alcoholic woman goes 'kid, sit the fuck down'

'i actually fought for those guys. i was one of their best soldiers/their original Chosen One. and do you know how old i was when they shoved me on a battlefield and forced me to fight and kill?'

’12. 12 years old'

and it turns out that the bitterness is, yeah, directed at the Evil King who killed all those people, but it’s mostly directed at the Wise and Benevolent Order. at the powerful and venerated adults who saw this kid bubbling over with magic, full of potential, and essentially turned her into a child soldier

and yeah, the evil must be defeated, she fucking gets that, but why the fuck should she do it?? has she not fought enough? has she not suffered enough? the amount of terrible things she’s seen and done, how often she looks back over the teachings of her masters and goes, yeah, that was some grooming, there was some creepy ass manipulative shit going on there, you do not say these things to A FUCKING CHILD (bc her training would have started in earnest at 7 FUCKING YEARS OF AGE) for any good reason

no, not even if lives are at stake. no, not even if she could save and help people

and it’s taken her so long to realise, actually no, that was so fucked up

and she doesn’t really have anyone to turn to because the people who won’t get her executed for being a Wise and Benevolent Knight are the people who would never, ever believe that the Wise and Benevolent Order could ever do something so wrong. or worse, would justify it to her and say the same goddamn shit she’s been trying to fight against for so

fucking

long

and so on one level she DOES NOT FUCKIGN APPRECIATE this snot nosed naive brat trying to explain to her how actually the group of people who ruined her life - and, lbr, basically handed the kingdom to the Evil King thanks to their own hubris and flawed thinking - are actually Noble and she must Fight In Their Name and Remember Who She Really Is

but on another

well

this is a kid

(gonna put the new chosen one at 16)

and she looks at this child, who has been so sheltered, filled to the brim with propaganda and righteous fury and sent into the fire by adults who should know so much better, sent to fight an enemy he cannot hope to defeat, sent into war and bloodshed and pain to give his life and his childhood for the cause, and she thinks

oh gods

not again

please dont make me see this again

(lets say that while he’s 16 at this point, the chosen one has been trained (read groomed) since he was very young. possibly he was Born Into A Bloodline or something which gave the order of Wise and Benevolent Knights In Hiding access to him at birth)

and she cant help but see him and see herself, so young and so sure and so very very manipulated, 13 years old and calling a storm down onto the battlefield and watching it tear people to shreds, blood streaming from her nose and screams ringing in her ears

and now she has to make a choice

because the Evil King is genuinely fucking evil and people are suffering and dying. and this boy could help. could stop it all. he’s strong, and capable, and powerful, and he’s been training all his life, and he is after all the Chosen One

but is it worth it? could it ever be right to buy back a kingdom with a child's soul? can she do it? can she see it done? and if she cant then what can she do?

and why

why

is it up to her?

 ~~~

 basically this, if it ever is a thing, is gonna be a smush of various high fantasy things, with quite a lot of star wars thrown in, because i have been reading some excellent meta/aus of the pt and yes i am bitter

it’s gonna take all the tropes about Destiny and Wise and Benevolent Orders and Chosen Ones

and rip them the fuck apart

and it’s gonna talk about child soldiers and spiritual abuse and why you dont romanticise the good old days

and trauma and healing and not being able to heal because fuck it, you’re still so fucking angry and you have no one left to take it out on because everyone who hurt you is dead

'yeah, but, Wise Mentor, the Evil King isn’t!!'

not the point. the Evil King wasn’t the one who did this to her. the Evil King is evil, maybe, but fuck it at least he swishes around in big flowy robes and has a sinister castle and tortures people and shit, and everyone knows he’s an evil fuck

whereas no one ever seems to understand that the people who did this to her were defenders of justice, and protectors of the weak, and, here’s the kicker, genuinely thought they were doing the right thing. like the though 'we are grooming a child solider' just….didn’t occur. they were good, respected, venerated, and they turned her into a weapon and let her loose and she still wakes up to the smell of charred skin

 ~~

 a part of me kind of wants her to just be like, fuck it. you know what okay lets kill the Evil King

because having been raised to be a weapon her ability to ignore her conscience and just push the fuck through is, kind of terrifying. and while she hates what she’s doing, she can totally still do it. and she hates it and she hates herself and so she closes off the terrible pain and she continues the cycle and

and

the kid doesn’t die. the kid wins and assumes the throne to rule over the kingdom and restore it to peace and prosperity (and, of course, to reinstate the Wise and Benevolent Order)

to all intents and purposes he’s Victorious and Triumphant and ready to rebuild the kingdom, but she sees behind his eyes. she knows him because she was him, and she knows that she sold his soul to destiny to save a kingdom.

and that she hasn’t actually saved shit because she’s just done the same goddamn thing that was done to her, how could anything have really changed? and she can see it, as the fragments of the W&BO come out of hiding to rebuild the organisation in exactly the same fucking way, and the new king makes mistake after mistake because he’s spent his whole life being told The Old World Was Perfect And Shining And Everything Was Great. and of course no one stops him because Chosen One and because, hell, he’s young and he’s fucking everything up but at least there’s no more torture! total step up!

(as could probably be expected, a traumatised child king who doesn’t even know he’s traumatised is not the best or most stable of supreme rulers)

and eventually the mentor has to run away and drink herself to death, and hope that one day someone will be smarter and kinder and less fucked up that her can actually make things better. and really, why the hell was it her responsibility? why should she have to save a fucking kingdom, she can’t even save herself

and she certainly couldn’t save him

 ~~~

 or

we could have her go

you know what? fuck this. fuck it. fuck destiny. fuck the prophecy. fuck everyone who has ever told you that you have no purpose but to fight for a cause, you were a fucking kid, you were never given a choice, this is Evil.

so were gonna take down the fucking king, but you are not gonna do it

and yes, i know you’re a big boy and you’ve been training all your life and you’re super fucking capable, that’s not the fucking point.

the point is u never should have been capable of this

so she gets a band together and starts sending out feelers to all the secret resistance groups, completely ignoring the council of W&BO survivors who thought child soldiers were totally the way to go on this, oh and by the way imma steal your Chosen One

because I need a figurehead behind which organises a full scale fucking rebellion

bc fuck The Chosen One Will Save Us, the people will fucking save themselves. and they will cast down the Evil President King and they will make their world a better place, and oh yeah, so a lot of people think that if the king/W&BO hadn’t done This This and This and maybe we’d had some goddamn democracy, the Evil King wouldn’t have won?

and obviously the kid hates her for stealing away his destiny and side-lining him from his own story, bt she just takes him aside and says, one day, you will understand. one day, you will thank me.

and then she oversees the building of a government and the foundation of a new democracy and the creation of a fairer and better state, and she makes a deposition before this new government and finally lays out exactly what happened to their little chosen one all those years ago. and some people are horrified and other people realise, oh god, this is horrifying, why did we never grok that this is horrifying, what the fucking fuck, Wise and Benevolent Order???

and then she leaves the kingdom, because she’s sensible enough to know that while she can fight a war with the best of them, she will never be near stable enough to make the sort of government that this land needs. besides, organisations of lots of people who think they’re doing the right thing make her twitchy and why the fuck do you think that is??

and so she goes and finds a nice cottage on the outskirts of a nice city and raises borzois and gets a shit ton of therapy

after about 5 years, the former Chosen One shows up, and she’s like, hang on fucko, you’re meant to be helping with the creation of a new state. and he goes, yeah, tried that, did all I could, now i…..sort of don’t know what to do?? and you’re the only person who might understand?? help?????

he doesn’t quite realise why he’s there, but a part of him recognises a kindred spirit and, well

he always imagined that after he won and defeated the evil king he would be, well. the Chosen One/ the hero. the saviour

but no, he was persuaded to be like a figurehead to organise the rebellion, and of course he now gets that that was pretty noble and shit only. he feels like he didn’t actually fulfil his destiny and now people are expecting him to do things he was never trained to do and now he doesn’t know what the fuck to do with the rest of his life which he still somehow has

(because, if he’s being totally honest, he fully expected to perform a Heroic Sacrifice and die honourably in battle, possibly while slaying the Evil King)

and the mentor puts him up in the barn and goes to see her therapist and does some talking and then looks around her little home and thinks. because before this there was the rebellion and before that there was a hovel in some dark and awful city and before that there was the war and before that there was the temple and before that she has no idea but it was Bad. and she thinks, what did I miss? and then she thinks, what can I still get out of the life I have left?

so they give the borzois to one of her neighbours (apart from one semi-puppy who Bonded with the Chosen One and who she couldn’t’ get rid of if she tried (she isn’t even trying)), then they fuck off, and have adventures, and meet people and do crazy stupid things and save lives and learn things about themselves and each other

and the mentor learns to reclaim her powers for herself, to change her body and her abilities into something that isn’t a weapon and isn’t a liability and isn’t a reminder of all that was done to her but is, instead, hers

and along the way the chosen one has a bit of a think, and maybe a bit of therapy too, and realises

wait

that was

a bit fucked up wasn’t it

the mentor puts her head on the table and sighs in exasperation and relief, and then laughs her fucking head off in sheer giddy pleasure that yes, most of her life was destroyed or wasted and she never got a chance to be who she wanted to be, but

but she’s saved a kingdom, on her own terms, and she has, unbelievably, managed to save this boy. and she is not watching her own life again. she is watching what should have happened to her

and yes it fucking Hurts sometimes that he gets to heal and everything and she can’t, because she is still a bit of a bitter old fuck, but still

still

that’s something, isn’t it

[blatherkatt]

Title: The Calm Is Terrifying When The Storm Is All You Know [Homestuck]

Prologue 1: Regarding Interplanetary Conflict Between Earth and Alternia

Summary: There were two kinds of trolls who went to Earth: rich shitheads with too much money and free time, and desperate assholes who couldn’t survive on Alternia, even with the best efforts of the young Condesce. Karkat hated the planet almost immediately, but with his home planet too dangerous for mutants, he really didn’t have any choice but to hide out on this weird little diurnal planet. At least he’d be safe. Or so he thought, right before blundering his way into an accidental friendship with the son of an anti-troll terrorist. 

(No-SBURB AU with many other fantastical elements in tact (i.e. flashstepping, trolls are still aliens, some characters have odd abilities, Becquerel remains a first guardian, etc.); main ship(s): Davekat and Rosemary, but romance isn’t necessarily the focus; Dirk =/= Bro, Roxy =/= Mom, etc. Slow burn, shifting perspectives. Buckle in, folks, this’ll be a long one.) 

Rating: M for mature themes, death, violence, intense scenes, etc. 

Warnings: Character death, blood, language (its a Homestuck fic what do you expect), abuse, some impressive mental gymnastics from Dave, also Bro is basically a terrorist like he really hates trolls; chapter-specific warnings will be provided as this fic’s kinda got a lot going on tbh - some parts will get REALLY intense

Author’s Note: FIRST - I’m so sorry for there being three prologues, I promise I’m posting them all on the same day as the first chapter to try and make up for that; this was the best way I felt to handle the exposition side of this story. The real story will be told in a different format than these bits. 

Second - I’m just going to casually give a shoutout to @gayrapunzel and this magnificent post right here which helped inspire this fic in a very weird roundabout way (even tho i dont think I’m going to be able to recreate that moment in the fic itself much to my deep shame) and is also just generally one of my favorite things ever 

NEXT

[The following is a series of excerpts from various news articles, some from papers, some found online; some transcripts of radio broadcasts also provided]

4/10/1994

(Excerpt from a magazine)

Astronomers have reported very strange extraterrestrial movements as of late; strange objects that appear to be approaching Earth at great speed. “Maybe we’re finally meeting some aliens,” joked Oswald Harley, lead scientist at the Skaianet Observatory in New York. The currently unidentified bodies are expected to be visible from Earth within the week. Be sure to keep an eye on the sky!

4/13/1994

(Transcript of a news broadcast)

BREAKING NEWS

NEWS ANCHOR: “In what can only be seen as some sort of delayed cosmic April Fool’s day joke, what seems to be an actual alien spaceship has arrived over New York City only minutes ago.  We see here live footage of the event. Whatever life forms are on board the vessel have not yet tried to make contact, but we will” [static; rest of speech too garbled to make out]

[At this point, the transmission (as well as that of all other channels) was overridden]

ALIEN LIFE FORM: “Alright, shrimps, listen up. I’m the speaker for Her Imperial Condescension, here to deliver you the message of your new management.  This planet is now the property of Alternia. You glubbers can behave and we’ll maybe let some of you live, or you can try to pick a fight you got no chance in shell of winning. Bow before your new leaders, motherfuckers, and pray Her Imperial Condescension’s in a good mood.”

[Static; the transmission returns to the news station]

NEWS ANCHOR: “Are…are we back? Oh my God, is this - this is real? Um. Yes, so. You saw it here, folks, um. God, I can’t do this, I can’t -”

[At this point, the anchor walked off the set and the broadcast cut to commercials.]

06/12/1994

(translated transcript taken from a recorded exchange between Alternian soldiers)

THRESHECUTIONER UNIT LEADER: “Do you have the place surrounded yet?”

THRESHECUTIONER: “Hells yes we do, got the place all kinds of on lockdown. We are gonna blast the shit outta these humans and their silly hideaway, they won’t know what hit ‘em.”

TUL: “A simple ‘yes’ would have sufficed. Move in when ready.”

T: “Sir, yes, sir. Wait, shit, what was that?”

TUL: “What was what?”

T: “Somethin just moved really fast in my peripheral vision — shit, there it is again!”

[A muffled scream is heard]

T: “What the fuck, that was — oh my god, his head’s clean off, right through his armor, what the fuck —”

TUL: “Hey, what the fuck is happening down there?”

T: “I think we’re under attack — Humans? Humans are doing this?! Hey, stop standing around and blast those fuckers already, you assholes —”

[More screams]

T: “What the fuck, that’s a kid —”

[A gasp, followed by a thudding noise.]

TUL: “Resker? Resker!?! What the fuck is going on down there?! Answer me!”

[muffled noises for about thirty seconds, and then a new voice speaks]

???: [In English] “Alright, assholes. Let me make this really fucking clear. We are not some simpering weaklings ready to lay down and take this without a fight. So help me, I will personally hunt down your fucking leader and kill her myself.”

1: [In English] “Who the fuck is this?!”

???: [In English] “Strider.”

1: [In English] “Are you a human? What the fuck did you do to squad 13?!”

STRIDER: [In English] “Get the fuck off my planet.”

[sharp sound, apparently resulting from the destruction of the helmet used to communicate.]

(Transcript from human soldiers, arriving on scene to attempt to defend a small mall taken over by surviving humans)

COMMUNICATIONS: “Sir, someone’s hacking into our radio transmissions.”

MAJOR: “Fucking stop them, Jesus! Last thing we need is the trolls getting into those, too —”

COMMUNICATIONS: “I’m trying, sir! I’m not sure it’s trolls, though, actually — Shit, they’re in, they’re in!”

[Radio static]

???: “[garbled] yeah, I’m in! Hahaha, bitchin’! Hey, lil D, I got them, I got in to the military! Hey, hey dudes, don’t hang up on me, okay? I’m not a troll, I promise, but we could really use your help!”

MAJOR: “How did you get into this channel?”

???: “By virtue of being a fucking badass, is how! Hey, listen, though, okay, I’m Rachel Lalonde, me and my sis and D-Strides Big’n’small here are holed up at the mall with a bunch of other survivors, we’re armed, and we got a plan that we think’ll really put a damper in these invading bastards’ day, but we need your help, alright?”

MAJOR: “How do we know we can trust you?”

LALONDE: “Thats…probably a pretty fair question. Okay, listen, how bout we meet up in person so you can see we really are human, huh? You guys can pick the place, it’ll be just me and D-Stri. But we gotta move today, is the thing, so it’s gotta be quick!”

???: “C’mon, Ray, let me come too, I can help —”

STRIDER: “No. We need you here. Let Rachel finish talking.”

MAJOR: “…Let me get my superiors on the phone.”

STRIDER: “There’s no time. We need to meet up in an hour at most.”

MAJOR: “……………Very well. In front of the Levi’s, then. Just you two.”

LALONDE: “You got it, dude! We’re gonna own the FUCK outta these trolls. Gonna send them scrambling away with their tails between their legs.”

11/11/1994

(Letter sent secretly to human troops)

“Okay, okay first of all I hope you’re fucking happy how much work I had to put into learning to write in your language for this, sorry if my spelling is bad or something or whatever but listen, I know this is going to sound like the most obvious trap ever, but I SWEAR it isn’t. I’m a troll, no, don’t throw the letter away, sit your ass right back down. I’m a troll, a follower of the teachings of one we call the Signless, which is going to mean approximately jack all to you I know but what that means is that basically I’m on your side, as are a bunch of other trolls with me. We’re rebels, some working to sabotage from within, but some (like me) are prepared to actually physically help you guys, we can upgrade your weapons and tech and shit a bit so you have a better chance of keeping up enough to drag this out as long as possible.

We need a few sweeps, see, before we can ensure that we can protect you guys. There’s a new heir to the throne, but she’s not old enough to challenge the Condesce yet. When she does, though, she’s already said she plans on ending this war and seeking peace with you humans. She likes the way your planet looks a lot, as well as your people, and she’s big on protecting shit and blah blah blah, the point is, we can help you, but you gotta let us first.

I’ve enclosed our coordinates on the back of this letter. We’ll be waiting there. Please don’t shoot us.”

11/21/1998

(Entry of the diary of Rachel Lalonde)

“Shit, those trolls are not giving up. I’m exhausted, and I look like a dang balloon, I mean cripes, how many kids are even in there?

Worst possible timing, too. I should be out fighting, but I’m stuck inside with kid number two on the way.

Speaking of kid number one, though, Dirk’s three years old today. Be nice if his father could be assed to try to celebrate, but whatever. I kinda worry a little that maybe we only started this family out of spite, like as a way to flip off Her Imperial Whatsit by continuing on our species or whatever. Shoulda thought it through a little more. I mean, Christ, I’m 21 and I’m on kid number two, talk about your bad fucking ideas.

I worry that Derek doesn’t even love me the way I love him, honestly. I’m not sure he really loves anyone, to be truthful, but like. He might just be gay?? I ain’t got the guts to bring that up with him, though, he’d probably run me through right there if I tried to suggest it, but. Still. Then again, after losing his lil bro earlier this year, maybe I shouldn’t be surprised.  

God, I can’t believe he’s gone, still. RIP, Davey. :(

Eurgh, worst part of getting knocked up again is having to lay off the booze, though. I’m twenty one, in a soul-crushing war trying to save all of humanity, and I can’t even drink. Such bullshit, man.

Happy birthday, Dirk. Love ya. Hope your little bro or sis hurries the fuck up so I can walk without looking like an incoming iceberg.”

4/13/2000

(Translated transmission sent out to all trolls at 0413 hours GMT)

ALERT: ALL FIGHTERS ARE TO CEASE IMMEDIATELY AND REPORT TO THE NEAREST SHIP.  LEAVE ANY SKIRMISHES AT ONCE.

(Translated transmission sent out to all trolls at 0612 hours GMT)

ALERT: THE EMPRESS HAS FALLEN. ALL HAIL HER NEW IMPERIAL CONDESCENSION, FEFERI PEIXES. MAY HER RULE BE LONG AND BOUNTIFUL.

(Transmission to humans from rebel troll party to their human contacts at the UN)

TROLL REBEL LEADER: We did it!!! Congratulations, motherfuckers, the old hag’s dead! Feferi’s ready to talk to you whenever, she says. Just let us know!

6/12/2000

(excerpts from front page Newspaper article)

INTERPLANETARY PEACE OFFICIAL

The UN officially announced that peace negotiations with Her Imperial Condescension were a success, today.  The young Alternian Empress has promised that she has no intention of attempting to conquer Earth, and hopes to undo much of the wrongs her predecessor caused both to Earth and other planets. She has also stated that she hopes that communications between Alternia and Earth can begin in earnest, and would like to someday be allies and trading partners.

Those who fought against the Alternian invasion are to be honored in coming days. Foremost among those to be honored are the increasingly notorious triad of Derek Strider and Rachel and Ramona Lalonde, who became quite infamous over radio stations as a result of their own hodgepodge resistance, formed the same year the invasion began. The youngest of the three (Derek and Rachel, now 22 and 23, respectively) were in high school when the invasion came out. Despite this, they have been incredibly successful in their heroic efforts to protect the planet.  Rachel Lalonde, when given the news, responded cheerfully that she is glad to be able to spend more time on “taking care of all these dang kids I have running around.” Ramona Lalonde and Derek Strider were unavailable for comment.