#dont know what it is dont know what to do it happens to the skin that gets the most like 'wet' ig
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𝒄𝒍𝒂𝒘𝒔 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒐𝒖𝒕, 𝒊 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒂 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍 𝒊𝒕 𝒂𝒍𝒍
pairing(s): swiss/dewdrop words: 785 rating: explicit
notes: listen i dont know what possessed me but i needed to write someone shoving their hand down the other's pants and jerking them off and then this happened. warning for degradation. proceed with (horny) caution.
edit: now on AO3 + with scrumptious art by @noahl-art here :3
"F-fuck, Dew, touch me," Swiss growls against his lips. Their bodies writhe in the tight (lack of) space of the bus bunk, greedy and desperate for each other.
"Yeah?" The fire ghoul goads. "Just a fuckin' needy little bitch that needs to cum, aren't you?"
"Uh huh," Swiss whines, shoving Dew's hand down his pants. "Jerk me off, mark me, don' care." The first touch of his hot hand against his shaft is like the Dark One's grace, mercifully pleasurable and sinfully firm.
Dew growls and nips at his jaw. "Need to feel how hot I make you," he breathes. "Get you all stiff and sticky in my hand." He's just as hard, throbbing against the meat of Swiss' thigh. Swiss throbs under his fingers and they swallow each others' groan.
"Wan' it," Swiss grunts. He bucks up, seeking friction. "Fuck, spitfire, make me cum."
A little laugh turns up the corners of Dew's mouth as he moves to free his cock, slapping the wet head onto Swiss' flannels. "You'll cum when I tell you to," he says. Another nip, this time to Swiss' earlobe. Hard enough to cause him to gasp. Dew gives a rough squeeze to his balls and ruts against his leg with a groan, uncaring at how loud and obvious it is. "And you're gonna beg me for it. Like the whore you are."
Swiss lets out a wet hah and bares his neck to Dew, arching into his hand. "Yeah, yeah," he grits through his teeth. "Fuckin' use me. Do whatever you wan'."
Dew gives him a harsh tug, twisting on the upstroke. "'S funny," he says huskily. "You, parading around for all those people." He sucks hard beneath the hinge of his jaw, hard enough to bruise. Swiss can't help but groan, gripping tighter at the back of Dew's shirt and flexing his thigh to feel the hard line of him. "Fuckin' hells," Dew groans, "if they could see you like this. Bad boy Swiss taken down by the little guy's hand around his cock."
Dew digs his teeth in again, and Swiss has to turn and stuff his moan into the pillowcase.
The fire ghoul starts humping him in earnest. Hand not matching his own tempo, and just unpredictable enough to scramble his brain. Swiss can feel Dew's pre soak through to his skin after only a few thrusts.
"Dew," he chokes. He's so hard; Dew makes him crazy like this.
Dew pants against the hollow of his throat, warm and humid. His tongue darts out to lick a hot stripe up to his jaw, ending at the blooming bruise and pressing into it. Swiss' cock spurts pre onto Dew's fingers, already too close.
"Such a slut. Barely touched you and you're dripping all over me, huh?" Nevermind that Dew is leaking consistently against his thigh, because he's right—Swiss is wet for this. Wet for being degraded, pushed around. Bullied until he can't help but cover himself in his own spend.
"Hnnf-uuh," he groans into the pillow, still held between his teeth. He nods quickly, eyes rolling into the back of his head when Dew polishes the head with his pre.
"Shit," Dew rasps. His hips kick up in speed. A freight train barreling both of them towards broken tracks. He digs his knees into the thin bunk mattress for leverage and sneaks his free hand up to grab at the ends of Swiss' locs, pulling just as hard as he tugs on his cock, and Swiss thinks his brain tumbles from his lips when he whines through the break in his voice.
He shivers all over, right down to his toes. "D-Dew—"
"That's fuckin' it, such a pretty boy when you wanna cum," Dew growls. A beat, silent except for the wet sound of his hand jerking Swiss' cock. Then: "You gonna?"
Swiss doesn't answer. Can't, not when his mouth can't close far enough to make words. His tongue licks uselessly at the back of his teeth, fumbling to make his sounds turn into something coherent. But he can't. His eyes are screwed shut. His balls are drawing up against his body already, and he can't.
Dew snorts, pulling on his hair again. "Stupid—fuck; stupid fucking cock-drunk whore." He means it as a sneer, but it comes out warbling and needy.
He grips the tip again, and Swiss all but howls. "Your whore," he wheezes, all his muscles tightening to snap. "P-please."
Dew groans into his shoulder, fist speeding over his dick. "Again," he spits. "Say it again."
Swiss whimpers. "Please; Lucifer, please let me cum."
Dew half-laughs, half-groans, tightening his hand and forcefully jerking down to the base each time, just how he knows Swiss wants.
"Fuckin' do it then."
#the band ghost#swiss ghoul#dewdrop ghoul#swissdew#swiss army ghoul#swiss/dewdrop#dewdrop/swiss#nameless ghouls#nameless ghoul fanfic#the band ghost fanfic#ghost fanfic#cw: degradation#i think something possessed me#i just. hnbnhdfh them#i wrote this all in tumblr#havent done that since 'catch a glimpse'
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okay im back hi guys <3 im putting this under a cut because it got very long and also its spoilers for the broadway production! but please please read and indulge me if you dont care abt that <3
literally just the start of it, before any dialogue starts, crushes my heart. johnny looks so small and. resigned? about it all. his arms are crossed over his knees, his shoulders hunched. then the first scream comes from the house, and both dally and johnny turn to look at it. johnny looks away pretty quickly; he's used to this. his eyes are tired, staring out into the darkness of the night. but dally stays watching the window, no doubt wondering what all could be happening in that house, and what all johnny has seen. and dally looks so sadly at johnny, just sitting there and listening to his parents hurt each other.
then dally makes himself known, and johnny damn near jumps out of his skin. and dally puts on a little smile when johnny looks back at him, to make sure johnny knows hes okay. that hes not in trouble. and then theres more screaming and hitting and johnny's eyes go dark again, and he plays with the gravel to give his brain Something Else to focus on besides those damn screams. and god dally just looks so helpless behind him.
"um... your parents going at it again?" "yea." "you cant go in there, huh?" "nah. but.. i cant leave either, cause im afraid hes gonna kill her"
johnny says that last bit so nonchalantly. like its just another normal sentence. and god that hurts. this poor goddamn kid stuck sitting outside his house in the cold, listening to his parents fight, wondering if his dad will finally go that far. hes just sitting and waiting to see if he needs to go in and somehow save the woman who probably wouldn't do the same for him. but that doesn't matter to johnny. he doesn't care if his mother hasn't given him the time of day for over half his life. he doesn't care if his mother never patches up the wounds left by his father. that's still his mother, and he loves her.
and then dally offers him the hershey bar, and johnny grins at him. but that little joy is immediately replaced by his instincts when he hears another scream. he hides the chocolate and resumes his position on the tire, making himself tiny and quiet. he knows that yelling leads to him getting hit, so hes gotta try and hide. also, the insinuation that he thinks the chocolate will get him in trouble.. something as simple as a hershey bar will get him beat, so hes gotta hide it. and god he just looks so tired and scared and empty.
and then suddenly dally is marching towards the door, and johnny can't let him go and break up that fight. he can't let his dad beat on his friend, who knows what he would do and it would all be johnnys fault, right? thats what i imagine is going through his head when he literally leaps on dally and shoves him away from the door. he doesnt even say anything,
but i know dally can see that panicked, scared look in his eyes. so he backs down. and he decides to help his friend, this kid, his brother, in the only way he knows how: a switchblade to defend himself. im sure he wishes he could help more, but he isnt equipped for this. not when johnny refuses to just get up and leave, and that's the only thing dally knows how to do.
this got very long and kinda just turned into a summary of the scene but just. johnny and his tired, sad eyes, and his nervous fidgets, and his flinches and jumps at every noise. johnny who refuses to leave his parents, his mother, no matter what they do to him or each other. johnny who cares so much, who craves the love of a family so much. johnny who sits outside in the cold in case he needs to go into a war zone to save the woman who never even picks up his personal belongings from the hospital after he dies. johnny cade.
the scene with dally and johnny before the drive in is so beautiful and painful. after class i will be back right here to elaborate <3
#the outsiders musical#the outsiders#outsiders musical#the outsiders broadway#johnny cade#dallas winston#dally winston
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so. Torchy
#ok look i KNOW this isnt miraculous IM SORRY it wont happen again but i had to draw him#tangotek#secret life#trafficblr#life series#what tags do i use#secret life spoilers#<- does that even apply here? it's been a week#sorry if this looks like shit i ran out of steam halfway thru#I honestly gave up on colors and background. best i can do is whatever this is#also i dont keep up with what the consensus on everyones skins look like so this is me eyeballing it#indigarts
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Does
Does Barnaby
Does Barnaby tell the others to get off his lawn when he's angry
psh, who do you think he is, an old man? he'd Bark, like any lively young dog
#serves them right for (playfully) arguing right outside of his house smh#hes got sensitive ears yall... probably... i wouldnt know...#i bet ya could hear that woof everywhere in the neighborhood#and feel it. its gotta be deep as hell. bass boosted boof#legend has it that a Single Can fell in howdy's store#scribble salad#welcome home#welcome home puppet show#many thoughts about barnaby and barking#id imagine that if asked if he can bark hed be like 'yeah but its a waste of effort / who has the time for That'#i doubt he ever really does it...#cause that would take effort and really when would he be in the mood to be able to do it#its like. i dont get how some people can just let out a real good yell/scream on command#if im not angry enough i Physically Cannot raise my voice in that way. just dont have it in me#and id also think that barnaby has a thick skin. takes a lot to make him That Peeved yk yk#but when he does bark. oof. thats gotta be the loudest shit ever#everyone runs out of their homes like 'what happened??? is there a thunderstorm??? did a fuckin Bomb go off??'#meanwhile barnaby is slamming his door behind him and frank & julie are speedwalking away from his house with ringing ears#thoughts thoughts thoughts Musings
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"Madam Yu would be a Karen/ treat minimum wage employees like shit-" literally the only servant she's shown abusing is Wei Wuxian (and that's because he's the victim of a proxy war between her and Jiang Fengmian around the idea of him being adopted into the family, not because of his class). Madam Yu's two handmaid's love and respect her, and Madam Yu actually defends them when Wang Lingjiao tries being a Karen to them. She also tells Wang Lingjiao to fuck off when she demands the Jiang servants bring her tea.
Also, Karens are unpleasant women, but not all unpleasant women are Karens. That term is about entitlement and being unreasonable (and often times, racist). Madam Yu is mean and unpleasant to talk to, but she keeps most of her interactions brief and probably doesn't have the time or mental energy to be a Karen or hold a grudge that long. If you want an actual example of a Karen in mdzs, Wang Lingjiao is right there
#mdzs#mo dao zu shi#grand master of demonic cultivation#for those confused on who I'm arguing against- this is about comments left on the “who'd be more insufferable online” tournament#I'll stop writing Madam Yu defense posts when y'all start actually looking at how she's described in the books#you guys just parrot and amplify the same “woman mean” narrative about her and its frustrating#I'm convinced most of you dont even read what she says or know she has motivations#and because i get at least one person going “so you're excusing child abuse” every time I talk about her-#No. I am not defending or excusing any of the bs she's actually done in canon#child abuse bad. theres just a lot of misinformation out there on what that abuse actually entailed#1 or 2 lashes that do not break the skin + shit talking and kneeling is a different punishment from whipping someone till they can't move#the former was her usual interaction with wwx. the later was an act to get the wens to fuck off#also can you guys please acknowledge the fact she was incredibly angry and on edge in canon because a war was about to start#and her kids and clan (but especially her kids) were being put in active danger#and that her ranting sessions happened around her family and she was venting#and that she's shown being cordial to unrelated people#she's a well respected figure. that wouldn't happen if she was a karen#and if we're looking at a modern au where there isnt a war happening she probably wouldnt be as on edge
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I really hate how my physical body looks so so so much. unfortunately there isn't much I can do about it.
#ive got fat genetics from both parents families going back generations and ive been trying to lose weight forever#my stupod body likes being fat i can excercise like crazy and eat barely anything and i wont lose anything#i was excercising 2+ hours a day before i got sick and it made me stronger but i.stayed fat. now that im sick im weak and still fat.#and im not the kind of fat anybody can find pretty. if i could somehow not be fat id be decent to look at my face isnt bad#my skin is bad though my skin sucks#in my eyes im disgusting#and its so messed up because i dont think other fat people are gross#but i hate how i look so much that i cant imagine anyone being okay with it#like no matter how kind and understanding and sweet i am to people its never gonna make up for the fact that my body is grossly ugly#and i cant blame anyone for not liking me i get it.#sorry#this is a problem i have#bacause i just usually pretend my body doesnt exist and i wear pretty loose fitting dresses that cover me completely so but#even though i am what i am#sometimes you happen to meet a nice person and they are polite and dont seem disgusted by your existance so then your traitorous brain t#thinks hey maybe this person would be willing to marry us someday if they got to know us. which is so silly becuz theres no way thatd ever#so it makes me sad when i should be happy that a nice person talked to me. yay good job successful friendlyness. but it has to remind me#that i had this expectation from when i was a kid that id marry somone and have at least 3 kids and love my kids and take care of them and#give them everything i needed when i was a kid. and of course that never happened. because i never dated anyone. because people dont just#magically get married out of nowhere. its stupid. so i keep trying to be okay with whatever. but i guess i never stopped wanting a family.#which we know im aroace now so. i need to stop. but my brain is always bothering me about this.#why can't i just accept that no one will ever love me. why cant i be happy that they dont?#ive got cats#someday i will have irl friends again#sorry i think everything would be so much easier if i was just#this isnt a problem with an easy solutiom#i guess im gonna try to do the useless excercises again because at least it will look like im trying even though nothing will change
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Crasin, my bald rat, started growing hair and is no longer bald......
#I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!!! WE JUST PUT OLIVE OIL ON HER BC HER SKIN WAS DRY#r/rats is NOT helping me!!!!!!!!#rats#she is still so beautiful do NOT make fun of her#my post
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I REALLY do wonder what has happened that i CANNOT be fucking normal abt a girl character i like all of a fucking sudden
#THIS WAS NEVER A FUCKING PROBLEM BEFORE SO I REALLY DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING#like gen feel my skin turn ice cold looking at MFING UTSU FROM FUCKING GOKURAKUGAI WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME GOD#i need to get it the fuck TOGETHER goddamn
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grrrrrrr
#my dad drives me fucking crazy#and it goes up like 10 notches when my older sister and her husband come over#like. i love seeing them they're my family whatever.#but god the chaos and the NOISE just makes my skin crawl#but anyway. i dont know why my dad doesnt seem to understand#like. he has two autistic children (only one of which he even barely acknowledges is autistic but yknow)#but we've been. displaying autistic behavior. for oh idk 15 years#but he cannot get it in his head that we like to know things in advance#just coming in and saying 'we're doing this thing that affects you' is so utterly stressful and frustrating#what happened to 'hey we were talking about doing this- does that sound okay to you?' like. it's not hard#having the choice and the consent and the knowledge ahead of time taken away from me is more important than whatever the thing is#like maybe i would like to do whatever you're suggesting. but the fact that you barged in and said 'its happening' makes me fucking hate it#anyway. idk. i dont feel good..
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I understand lmk isn't a completely faithful adaptation (Also the murder monkey tone down cuz kiddos) but is it that bad of one? I got into LMK first and then started looking into jttw but haven't had time to sit down and read it just yet (school be like 🙃) I've seen some people say it's a pretty good one, and others seem to really dislike it. After your posts about lmk I'm curious about your opinion? Is it just the fandom or the show as a whole? Cuz I'm kinda with you on the buff, that's funky to me too, but curious if that's your only issue with it.
Ramble underneath!
For me personally, I don't have much of a problem with the show itself although there r some bits in the show I grew to dislike haha Especially when they downplayed DBK and SWK's friendship replacing DBK with Macaque KSKSKSKS Another thing is that I don't like the fandom much coz sometimes I just see takes that are so devoid of the characters from the og novel and they state it as fact KSKSKS. For ex. making SWK not being able to read is one irritating take. I really don't like it when ppl dumb SWK down because in the book he really is clever and conniving. Also, I'm gonna be honest here the amount of shadowpeach I see started to irritate me as well KSKSKASKLJKL Like a lot of my previous opinions about the LMK show and fandom changed ever since I started reading the book and looked more into Chinese culture jsjsjsjs I am no expert mind you and I have not finished reading the book yet, but I wish some ppl just did basic research you know KKSSKSD I know there r some ppl in the fandom who does put in the effort to learn more about Chinese culture and mythos but I feel like they r the minority here. I don't like to associate myself with the LMK fandom anymore but I'll still watch the show because I like the animation I guess HAHAHAHA. Anyways read JTTW you won't regret it JSJSJSJ
#there r also a ton of issues regarding how the LMK fandom treats these important Chinese figures JSJSJSJS#also book SWK is much funnier and badass than lmk SWK sorry ASHHDSH#relscreeches#also I am an Erlang Shen apologist and I see so many ppl hating on him in the LMK fandom so naturally I get defensive for him <#HAHAHAHAHAH#like come on guys Erlang Shen's story is actually pretty cool and he's so interesting....he's not just Heaven's lap dog brah#he has the drama....the angst....#also there r also issues in the show in terms of representation KSKKSKSK#antidote explained it best#but yeah the show be walking on thin ice with the yellow skin lemme tell ya that JSJSJS#i get they r legos but#can u really blame other ppl when they do a double take at that#The first time I watched the show even I raised an eyebrow JSJSJSJ#ngl I dont really know what's happening in the LMK currently coz I filtered all the tags related to it JSJSJSJ
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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honestly i think that internet lingo falls into a couple of really major pitfalls that i feel like people tend to just completely uncritically parrot bc they saw it used in what they saw as a funny way once. like for one AAVE is just sort of. constantly appropriated and turned into a joke in a way that causes AAVE to be seen as a non serious/real dialect of english which is so unspeakably racist i really don't what to even tell you if you haven't picked up how much that happens by now.
and also i think the other part is that it tends towards being incredibly ableist (shizoposting, delusional, trauma bonding, infodumping, narcissist) in a way that not only demeans the target of the ableism it also creates a false understanding of what words mean and make it all that much harder for people to recognize and take these things seriously.
like, suddenly, delusional becomes something that's just being in denial about reality, and narcissist becomes some kind of subhuman monster label, and gaslighting becomes indistinguishable from someone lying sometimes
#like what if i killed myself ... its so annoying and unreal bc its so pervasive and so harmful#i really dont care how funny you think it is. people you love have psychosis whether you know it or not#etc and so on and whatnot#like theres this audio thats like ''take off your skin'' and its legitimately dangerous and can cause ppl to self harm#i know this bc its happened to me & i don't care about your jokes or your silly edgy lingo. do better !#txt#-_-#derma#sh#unreality
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keep seeing that person who is OBSESSED with posture and its actually pissing me off
#like im sorry but you look worse#like genuinely its scary#it gives I Dont Know Anatomy And Tried To Draw A Side Profile#like please no#i HATE IT#and like. unless its harming you (which most of the time it ISNT) whoooooo gaf#WHOOOOOO GAF AT ALL#makes me sooo mad like please just enjoy life instead of freaking out about your posture girl ong#i HATE accounts dedicated to “skincare” and shit#like im sorry but i have Zero respect for you when your main audience is 14 year old girls be for real#“you NEED to be using aandnndndnsnnananjdjsj! youll thank yourself when youre 25 😏” can i just live my life#whatever happened to enjoyment#why should i HATE my wrinkles girl shut UP#“if you have a round face its just your cortisol!” literally every woman in my family has a round face do not piss me off#why are they all CONVINCED that round faces shouldnt exist#like im sorry i have cheeks?????????!??!?!??!?!??! what the fuck#if you happen to be a child and seeing this then can you just tell people to shut the fuck up while you can still get away with it#or cry in their faces and tell them they made you feel bad#blah blah!#not 75 stuff#anyway if ONE MORE PERSON tries to tell me to use a Product to “fix my skin” or my face shape or whatever im going to explode them#with my mind.
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probably my fav looks for sop. excuse the extremely experimental colours
#identity v#aesop carl#identity v embalmer#identity v the embalmer#unconcerned art#im never going to find a colouring style i like im never going to like my colours lies down and cries#i did the lines no problem. it took me like a week to get myself to colour it#values hues saturation i dont know how to use any of those!!!!!!!!! im going insane!!!!!!!!!!!#anyway. im 1 follower away from 800. how did that happen#im seriously considering having chemist sop event when i do hit it. not a good idea since im not as active now. but hey#chemist cat sop has a very special place in my heart. the most relatable sop skin to appear. im not buying it tho#i spent 12 bucks for bloody sword. im not giving idv any more money. not happening#so im probably gonn draw him a bunch with whats left of my energy#maybe more motivation to draw him. or draw period. if when i start the event
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#Rough day. Rough week. Rough couple of months.#Today feels especially bad. I feel like im evil for having feelings#I feel like im way too much for everyone.#I feel like its just so fucking easy for people to decide im not worth it anymore#I feel like i mean so little to some people that they dont give a fuck how i feel#that i dont deserve an explanation#that i just deserve to be tossed aside without knowing what i even did#I should be used to loneliness by now its like a second skin#and yet it never feels any better gripping my throat#maybe thats why i like that so much because at least then i understand why i cant breathe#I dont know. I just feel like im so easily tossed aside no matter how hard I do or dont try.#im the simple answer the one you can always throw overboard.#im expendable and outlive my usefulness quickly i guess.#it happens so fucking often. Tell me why it still hurts so badly...
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looking up info on keloid scarring is so helpful. thanks man I didn't think of trying that one
#well actually that kind of is relevant bc ive been trying to find more info abt tattooing keloid prone skin#which is effectively opting to wound urself. but everywhere is just like if ur keloid prone ummm. Don't do it 👍#theres not enough known abt keloids to predict if theyll be triggered or not by the healing process like it depends on so many things#i mostly get them from acne scars. but they dont always immediately appear sometimes its weeks or months after#n once u get them theyre permanent. treatments for them have a 100% rate of recurrence n will grow back bigger if u try to excise them#and they cant be tattooed over like other scars bc they dont hold ink n the irritation can cause them to get bigger too#it depends a lot on the tattoo artists skill/experience ig like u have to know Exactly how deep ur tattooing + how the wound will heal#bc if healing triggers keloids. well ill just end up with permanent scarring instead theres nothing i can do if it happens#which honestly might still look cool but its unpredictable bc they tend to extend past the original wound. n it wouldnt scar uniformly#urgh. i should probably talk to a gp n an actual tattooist abt it. i could ask to get like a rly small tattoo to test how my skin reacts#pointless thinking abt rn anyway cuz im not gonna get one any time soon i have some other shit to sort before that#but it would be so frustrating if i cant i have so many tattoo ideas i do rly want them.... :-(#ah well whatever.. im just procrastinating doing shit i need to crack on bc i cant spend another entire weekend doing nothing#after a month n a half of being on meds i feel like theyre becoming less effective. my task paralysis n focus is getting worse again :(#like its taking more and more effort its been rly noticeable at work. hoping its just bc of general mental health or poor sleep or smth#and not that im building tolerance or smth bc man. what else can i even do if that happens#this is gonna make me miserable to think abt so lets go do smth else!#at least i woke up feeling tons better today 💪💪💪 storm passed baby#.diaries
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