#dont judge im a tiny blog so far | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

riverm00n · 1 year ago

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Hello there!

My name is River Moon, but call me River. My first language isn't English, sorry for the errors.

I started university so I have no idea how much time I will have to anything.

~ ☆ ~

I have some side blogs I promised to show you (for anyone who follows me and reads my tags under the reblogged posts lol).

Sideblogs I have:

1. Currently I have 2 blogs just for reblogs:

Transformers themed (just stuff about tf): @bleeeeeeed

Team Fortress 2 themed (just stuff about tf2): @bl7ed

2. I have one blog for the doodles I do: @riverm00ndraws

3. And I have this, wich is mostly Good Omens reblogs, but there are art reblogs and.. I dunno its just a little bit messy: @andsuddenlytherewasme

The tags I use:

What I really like: #!!! <3

When im talking: #riverm00n talks

#special tag

#important

That's all for now..

~ ☆ ~

Umm, I dont really talk about myself (so it is hard for me), but if you wanna know me a tiny bit more, then its under the cut.

I have 4 cats and I absolutely love them. One family (and hunting) dog. And some chikens with one goose. I love all of them very much!

I am terrible with plants, really. I destroy them with my kindness.

I rarely draw but I'm trying, I really am. I'm just really afraid of being judged. So if I get even just a like I get so so so happy!

I love to chat, talk, text anything! But I am bad in starting a conversation. I like better when the people are taking the first step to reach out for me (I think everyone is like with this). Because if I do I'm afraid that I only disturb them.. and I think I just realized that I might have problems with rejection. Oh wow

I talk sometimes (a lot) in the tags.

I feel like I don't know myself. Everywhere I read and hear these things that "no one is know you better than yourself" and I'm standing there like "wow, you are not helping at all".

I play games, mostly on pc. Resently I try to find some time to play Batman Arkham City (I have the others too, and I already finished Batman Arkham Asylum story mode and I like to go in order). I'm waiting for Hollow Knight Silksong to come out, yes I played Hollow Knight and its a beautiful game and I just coudnt finish the whole game because I stopped playing (maybe because of school) and its really hard to get in back. I also play Dead Cells and I am really excited for the series!! (I could rant about games for so long so I might just stop here.................. Don't Starve, Stardew Valley, Aragami, Dark Souls, Undertale and Delatarune, Terraria!!!)

I love books! Will I read them? Yes; when I won't find any more fanfics to read. Oh gosh I love reading so much!

I love music as well, I cannot really say a specific genre but my favorite musician right now is TheFatRat (and favorite music from him is Close to the Sun).

I usually leave projects. I don't always finish what I start. This can be a book, drawing, series or a movie.

I am really forgetful, I just know I forget to say something, but if you wanna know even more about me I will gladly text back, so just write in private, send an ask (I turned on Anonymus asks because I like to use that too lol) or anything you want.

This is enough so far, I think. I may edit this in the future, if something changes.

#riverm00n talks #pinned post #!!! <3

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just-an-ender-pan · 5 years ago

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I’m close to having 100 followers but I don’t know if I should do something special for it or not. My 1-year blog anniversary is coming up too in August but I’ll probably get 100 followers before then. Let me know if y’all want me to do something special for either of those milestones. If not then it’s cool. I’m not really one for big celebrations anyway.

#aeris-totle #dont judge im a tiny blog so far #kinda sad that its taken me nearly a year to get 100 followers #i guess i dont do much to get followers anyway so oh well

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webcricket · 6 years ago

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Castiel Imagine

Imagine: A grace-less Castiel doing his darnedest to take care of you when you're sick.

[A/N: Based on an ask from @81mysteriouslyme - “Just thinking: how would human!cas take care of a sick reader? Like sick sick. I reckon he’ll be insanely sweet and adorable but also a complete dork. Out of desperation he would also call Sam and Dean for help as he realizes he really has no idea what he is doing.”]

The plague - he read in an alarming article hyped in the headlines just last week in the Lebanon Daily Star that the black death pandemic that wiped out half of Europe in the 14th century is experiencing a renaissance resurgence in house pets populating the southwest. Mad-cow disease. You do enjoy a cheeseburger almost as much as Dean with the added benefit of table manners. Ebola. The trip to the zoo several weeks ago where Castiel insisted on spending hours in the primate exhibit observing the monkeys fills his heart with foreboding.

The list of fatal ailments he discovered in a Websummon search after plugging in your symptoms stretches endless in seriousness and judging by the patients populating the Doctor Sexy reruns Dean plays between cases in his man cave, it seems like humans stricken suddenly by dire disease is a daily occurrence to be expected.

Cas is convinced you need a team of specialists caring for you in a fully-equipped quarantine ward rather than a grace-less angel who burned the toast he tried to make you to calm your upset stomach … twice. You settled for crackers straight from the cupboard after he carried the smoking toaster into the bedroom, fingers singed black, eyes apologetically glassed, and hair frizzed on end after attempting to extricate an annihilated slice of bread from its fiery confines with a fork while the appliance was still plugged in. At least the flickering lights had nothing to do with a supernatural foe.

Disregarding the fragility of his own immune system at present, the one-time soldier of the Lord perches on the mattress beside you; irises glaze in concern as he gazes at your shivering sweat-drenched figure thrashing fitfully beneath the thin white bed sheet. The aforementioned list nagging his thoughts, he brushes the saturated tendrils of hair aside from your temples to check for small pox lesions. Relieved to see none, he lays a tender touch upon your forehead.

Wakened from tenuous sleep when his palm presses to your dampened brow to test the temperature, your whine of protest rapidly devolves into a congested cough. Given his lack of angelic aptitude, he can only guess at the sweltering height of the number.

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes, the soft smile he usually reserves for you inverts into an anxious frown when the fatigued hollows of your watery eyes resolve on him. “You were having another bad dream.”

A fever dream to be exact. “S’okay.” You manage a strained sigh, throwing off the well-meant layers of extra warmth he piled on your extremities while you slept. Despite his inept nursing skills, there’s something reassuring about having him here as you drift in and out of consciousness. Muscles stiff and aching, you regret the loss of insulation, seized by a renewed wave of chills.

He frets over the hem of the wool blanket, fumbling his fingers along the scratchy fabric and tucking it again beneath your thighs. He doesn’t like seeing you wracked by shivers, at least not sickly ones. “Are you hungry?” he asks, feeling a burden of utter uselessness to ease your suffering in his human state. While you slept he looked up a video demonstrating how to make toast in a frying pan; going so far as to bookmark it for reference, he’s optimistic of his ability to mimic the task. If that doesn’t work, he has one requiring an iron to use as backup. And there’s always the can of chicken soup he discovered in the pantry if he wants to do battle with the microwave.

The thought of swallowing anything of substance sets your stomach churning precipitously upward. Rocking to your side, you assume the fetal position to suppress the rising pressure and prepare for the worst.

If Cas had any sense about what was coming or fondness for his sneakers, he’d do the same. “Sorry,” he repeats the sentiment because he truly is, “I-” He’s not certain what he wants to say. The fact is, without his divine gifts, he’s out of his element. Deciding on a silent show of support in lieu of syllables, he lays a hand soothingly to your side, smoothing across the shuddering landscape until the nausea naturally subsides.

The distraction helps. Cas sticking it out when you must look and smell God-awful means the world to you because it’s evidence of his love. It’s one thing to say those three little words, another to dance them in a tangle of passion, but being there when you’re at your worst, that’s the real definition of devotion.

For Cas, it’s not enough. He wants to do better; to be better - for you, so you get better. Losing you, it would be his biggest failure and one he isn’t sure he could survive.

Digging into his hoodie pocket, he retrieves his cell, closes the open web page of the sickness symptom checker, flicks through his short contacts list, and calls Sam on speakerphone.

“Hey, Cas. What’s up?” Sam answers.

“Y/N’s fever,” Cas murmurs, pausing his caress at the peak of your shoulder to squeeze, encouraging you to lie on your back. “I suspect malaria.”

“It’s not malaria,” Sam snorts, intuiting the former angel consulted the internet for a diagnosis.

Sam’s probably correct. You haven’t traveled to a tropical or subtropical region ever so the odds of exposure hover in the region of extremely unlikely; unlikely, although not impossible. “Websummon suggested-”

“It’s not malaria,” Sam insists, unleashing an airy snicker.

“Gimme the ph-” The phone emits a static buzz as Dean steals it from his brother to slam it to his ear. “Look buddy, the last time we were in tropical paradise sippin’ cocktails was never.” The elder Winchester’s voice bellows confirming Cas’ own inner argument against the diagnosis. “Sam’s right. It’s just the flu or something simple. Y/N’ll be fine in a few days.”

It occurs to Cas if you do survive it’s high time for a vacation. First he needs to get you through it. Perhaps a call to Rowena would have been more helpful, but then there might be the nastiness of personal favors owed and he’s not certain, lacking celestial clout, what he’d have to trade for your life or if influenza is reason enough to involve a witch. All the anxiety emerges as a rasped, “But-”

“But nothing. There’s Tylenol in the first aid kit, two every 4-6 hours until the fever breaks,” the hunter advises. “And, Cas?”

“Yes?”

“Angel mojo or no, you got this.” The call disconnects.

“He’s right, you know,” you mumble weakly, garnering his attention; gravel inflammation grates your tonsils as you speak. Clammy cool fingers wrap his wrist until the phone falls forgotten from their flexing tips with a bounce on the bed.

“About the flu?” Cas’ brow crinkles in confusion. When you attempt to sit up, he props a pillow behind your back and ensures you stay covered and warm.

You shake your head, coughing into the crook of your arm. “No, about you,” you croak. “You being here, I already feel better.”

A smile curves at the corner of his mouth, flattening the fretful lines of his features; his eyes gleam so brightly blue you can’t tell if it’s the fever muddling your senses, or a tiny speck of grace still simmering somewhere within the seraph.

Castiel tag list: (Closed, if you’d like to be removed please let me know!) @jeepangel @sammiesamness @willowing-love @roxy-davenport @blueicevalkyrie @im-the-nerdiest-of-them-a11 @thesugargalaxy @bluetina-blog @dont-trust-humanity @afanofmanystuffs @honeybeetrash @bucky-thorin-winchester @superwholockz @tistai @wordstothewisereaders @gill-ons @mrswhozeewhatsis @marisayouass @stone-met @castiel-savvy18 @samualmortgrim @trexrambling @magnificent-mantle @kdfrqqg @xdifsx @moon-and-stars-cas @rockfairy @peaceloveancolor @unicorntrooper @anisolatedship @itsilvermorny @aditimukul @kudosia @goofynerd-67babylove @uninspirationalsonglyrics @mishascupcake @mishapanicmeow @praisecastielamen @roseyhxnt @jessikared97 @let-the-imaginationflow @warriorqueen1991 @jenabean75 @alisonkenway @anotherwaywardsister @luciathewinchestergirl @morganas-pendragons @heyitscam99 @fangirl-and-stuff @selahbela @realgreglestrade @splendidcas @pointlesscasey @lovelyangelofasgard @i-larb-spooderman @thewhiterabbit42 @thelostverse @castieliswatchingoverme @beccollie18 @dragonett8 @dixie-chick @jtownraindancer @carowinsthings @pixiedusts @laqueus-ludovicus @passionghost @sherlockedtash88 @futureparent @gabbie7-11 @myfandomlife-blog @dreamerkim @missjenniferb @lexininja @samael-has-arrived @shamelesslydean @earthtokace @spookysculderfiles @neaeri @justanormalangel @lone-loba @supernaturalymarvel @lilrubixx @wings-and-halo @thehoneybeecastielfollows @musiclovinchic93 @81mysteriouslyme @jessiekay2010 @the-bottom-of-the-abyss

#castiel x reader #castiel x you #castiel fluff #castiel reader insert #castiel imagine #castiel drabble #castielxyou #castielxreader #you x castiel #reader x castiel #cas x you #cas x reader #spn imagine #spn x reader #castiel fanfic #my edit #cricket writes cas

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starkerforlife6969 · 6 years ago

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This post is me replying to the lovely anons I got! But I didn't wanna spam anyone’s feed so it’s all down below in one mega post! Mwah x PS none of these are prompts, those would always be posted separately ;) so if you’re a prompter, just wait on me honeys i promise ill come through for you soon.

1) @janetpie1951: “i would kill everyone for sugar baby Peter. With No remorse.” and “Secretary Peter? Absolutely fucking perfect.”

We are the same, my love. Me too. I love that softboi so much i would pull a tony and just break everyone’s leg if they so much as looked at him the wrong way.

And thank you SO much, I was so scared no one would like the secretary Peter one because I found his character really hard to write as it was so OC, you know? So this put a huge smile on my face :)) x

2) I’m having mild social anxiety just typing this. I wanted to tell you how much I’ve been enjoying your writing. Especially the Mafia boss/sugar baby/bodyguard story line you’ve been posting. I can’t wait for the next part.

I cannot wait for Part 3, at the moment it’s just a few snippets because i need a few more ideas to tie it together, but i promise it’ll be up soon! And my precious thing, well done for typing it anyway!!! I know how you feel, but this made my day so thank you so much sugar xx

3) I wish I was brave enough to share my writing like you do. I'm really scared people will think I'm stupid or that I suck. I'm too shy to share much 🙈 How can someone get over that kind of fear?

Dude, if I could take you back to the first fic I ever wrote- I think it was Dramione? Or H2O, it was seriously just awful like wow oh my god. But the thing was- people were so nice. And dude, it was shit. I promise you, it really was. What i’m saying is- you are your own harshest critic, and that’s super cliche but it’s true. No one will judge your work the way you do. And the feeling when people are nice- oh god, it just- it’s worth the risk. No one is going to think youre stupid or you suck because you had the fucking moxie to create something in the first place. I know it’s hard to take that first leap- I was too young to truly comprehend how scary it was when I did it, but I know you can get there. Sometimes it’s nicest starting in a tiny little fandom because everyone is so supportive and you all know each other and you can build confidence that way- saying that, the starker fandom is by far the most supportive one i’ve ever been in (teen wolf a close second, but there can be some mean anons there who for some reason are obsessed with scott??? like i like him, but let’s chill out, sorry off topic) and there will be haters, but fuck them. I, personally, would read anything you wrote and i would never have anything negative to say. I might be like “dude could you put stuff into paragraphs cuz it’s hard to read a block of text on my phone” but that’s it- that’s the worst thing i would ever say. i’d be too busy being grateful that you’d written some glorious content.

It’s scary, my gorgeous darling, but you can get there. The more fic you read, the more confident you get, and soon you’ll get more confident in YOU. As long as YOU like your writing (which is one of the hardest things ever) it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

that being said, nothing wrong with shyness. It’s okay to keep it to yourself, sometimes it’s a private thing. Maybe tease us with a few snippets and when we all go insane and beg you for more, maybe then you’ll be encouraged ;)

4) OML I looooove that you link the other chapters in your series. It's awesome. Keep up the great work! I love your stories ❤️

Dude, thank you!!!! It’s super annoying to do but i always do it because i wish other users did it because it’s so hard scrolling through their whole blog to find a part 2 so thank you so much for appreciating it hahaha it honestly made my day.

5) Holy FUCK that mafia boss with sugar baby peter is my absolute favorite thing I have ever read in my existence. Thank you so much for writing it and blessing everyone who reads it 💕💕

Yeah you’re just the best and sweetest thing ever. You just are. End of.

6) I just spent the last several hours going through the starker tag on your blog and hot diggity damn are you good at writing these two.

that is one of the best ways to spend the day and I'm am so honoured you picked mine like ahhhhh i could dance and blush forever, thank you so much.

7) your mafia tonypetersteve was so good i just!!! I DONT HAVE WORDS it made me so emotional and it was perfect and just uGHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh thank you for writing it so muchhhhh - { holographic-starker }

dude- dude- dude, you are so lovely. THANK YOU FOR READING IT

8) Oh wow, your Mafia Boss Tony x Sugar Baby Peter x Bodyguard Steve fic is sooo amazing! 😱❤ The atmosphere, the tension, I can't even say what's my favourite part, everything is just so damn perfect and sexy! ❤❤

oh my god this is a tirade of compliments and I'm honest to god sobbing, seriously dude the fact that you read it and liked it is- it’s the best feeling ever i can’t even describe it to you.

9) Ummmmmmm excuse me while I die in a corner because of your mafia au 🤤

have i mentioned that i don’t deserve you guys? I honestly don’t.

10) [this is on the secretary au] THAT TOOK A TURN REAL FAST ((it was so good))

thank you so fucking much honestly i am awed, this was so worth putting off essays to do

11) @biscuitsonofa NEED MORE SECRETARY PETER BOSS TONY PLEASE IM D Y I N G OVER HERE I LOVE YOU

oh my god you are so amazing i can’t even just wow. If i ever came up with an idea i’d love to continue it for you, gorgeous.

12) your a/b/o au with tony/harley/peter was so great!! i would love a part 2❣️

same as above honey in 11, if i ever develop a decent imagination, i definitely will. thank you so much for taking the time to make my whole day.

13) @pretty-well-funded I binged through Super Size Me at 2am and I am fucking in love with it

Well I’m in love with you, so there. And please don’t hate me over how slack i’ve been with that fic, i started it before i made this side blog and now this sideblog has taken over my whole life but i promise i will get back to it because you guys are so supportive and brilliant and wow

14) @hoe4parker You're literally one of my favorite writers and I'm currently writing a trans!Peter fic and if you're cool with writing one, you could write one too? I love trans!Peter and new content is always fabulous and I really really love your writing

You are beyond the sweetest thing in the whole world. Just wow. Just thank you. Actually because of this ask i did a bunch of research into how to write trans characters and asked a lot of other users for advice, but i just don’t think i can do it justice at this stage :(( i’ve never done it before and i don’t feel i know quite enough about it. I love reading trans peter fics and i can’t wait for yours, but as for me, i think i need to build up my talent in that area. Who knows, maybe one day? ;)

15) @starkersbitch Heyyy there! Uh I somehow wanted to tell you that on here rather than on ao3, but I am OBSESSED with your fic "Super Size Me". The characterisation? AMAZING. The smut? I'm living. Your general writing style? Love it. Keep up your good work, love!

yeah i remember getting this, it put the biggest smile on my face ever like just wow thank you so goddamn much. like i said in 13, don’t hate me. I will get back to it gorgeous, i promise!!!! be patient with me, like timberlake says in bad teacher “i think I'm worth the wait” snort goddamn, I'm totally not but you’re a darling and i love you seriously, this encouragement is what makes this fandom the best one ever.

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chillihansol · 7 years ago

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❅ Christmas with You ☃ *:･ﾟ| J E O N G H A N

word count: 2,550

» to @theliqht, oh my gosh denise my lil baby, where do i start? you are the first person i got to talk with when i started this blog, and im thankful, because i wouldn’t be what i am right now if it weren’t you. you helped me throughout everything, and i swear i developed a lot ever since day one because of you. you take care of me even if i am older than you HAHA. you listened to my hardships as a writer and you didn’t judge me for those. sometimes i still think that i dont deserve you because you are too good. i love you denise, and you are really the light !! because you are the person who pulled me up on times when i feel like giving up. you are such a big inspiration to everyone. i hope to meet you soon, i am only an hour away but it costs thousands of bucks already HAHA. merry christmas in advanced my bb denise ! hanni loves you to sun and back x

He was feeling the season, the cold weather, soft mattresses, warm fuzzy blankets, hot chocolate topped with mini marshmallows, tiny snowflakes pilling on the window pane, ugly Christmas sweater hugging his torso, and his imagination of lit fire on the fireplace, unfortunately, there was no fireplace, so he chose to sleep.

“Unnie, where’s Jeonghan oppa?” Jeonghan’s younger sister queried, rolling the dough with the pin.

“You know your brother, he’s most likely to be asleep by now.” You smirked.

It’s Christmas Day. Going back to the day where you realized that you are in love with him also happened to be the day of Christmas. It has been a year, a year full of merriment and sentimental relationship with him. A year was enough for the both of you to celebrate Christmas with your families, so your little witty self had the light bulb and decided to commemorate the special day with them.

Moving out with him was something you never regret. Ever since the two of you lived together, Jeonghan himself became more mature, so as you. Though most of the time you were left alone at home because he still had to stay at their dorms, he never missed a call from you, making sure to check you from time to time. It was very caring and affectionate of him to still take care of you even if he’s few miles away.

The thought made you smile as you cut the dough with the cute cookie cutters Jeonghan had bought from the local cooking shop.

“Unnie, why are you smiling?” The younger chuckled cutely at you a she caught you smiling so brightly.

“Just got a little excited.” You lied, smirking.

“Excited for what?”

You both turned your heads from the familiar voice to see the finally awake Yoon Jeonghan leaning against the door frame.

You shook your head at him. “How are you feeling sleeping beauty? Did you finally realize that you should helping us instead of slacking your ass off?” Your attention turned back to the cookies.

He skimmed on his way to stand beside his sister, purposely hanging his arm around her shoulder. “When did you become a helpful hand? As far as I know, you’d rather lay down and wait for the food to be cooked than actually participating–"

“Oh my gosh, Jeonghan.” You widened your eyes at him, intentionally dropping the utensils from your hand. “Can’t you just be thankful that your sister at least tried to help me because your parents and my parents should be here in an hour?”

He glanced at the clock, immediately started panicking when he realized how long he slept in. “I’m so sorry. Do you need anything more? Do you need me to drive and buy something from the store? Just tell me.” He rummaged through the counter for his car keys. Anxiousness running over his facial expression which automatically made you and his sister laugh out loud. Jeonghan’s face switched into confusion, completely lost on track.

“You are so cute.” You giggled at him. His face still very confused from the situation. “See, this is why you should stop sleeping too much. You don’t have to worry. These cookies just needed to be baked and we’re all set.” You chuckled, nudging his waist with an elbow.

“Oppa, you look so flustered.” His sister teased.

“Yah,” Jeonghan whined, pouting his lips a little which caused butterflies in your stomach. His lean arms wrapped around your body, as if he was asking you to join his side. “Babe, can you believe this? My sister is teasing her older brother.” He whined even more very closely to your ear which tickled you.

“Your sister didn’t lie though. You really look so flustered.” You tried wiggling your body to free from his grasp instead he held you even tighter. “Jeonghan, please let go!” You giggled as you felt the touch of his nose on your neck.

“Oppa!” Jeonghan’s sister whined like a child, completely disgusted by the sight. “Please be considerate that you two weren’t the only ones here. My eyes are watching a sin.” She grunted, rolling the dough forcefully.

You quickly glared at your boyfriend, hissing a little which immediately made him loosen his grip from you. He muttered an audible apology, clearing his throat from embarrassment.

The rest of the hour consisted of more playful arguments and mess. Jeonghan had eventually helped the two of you to bake the cookies, but it rather turned into a disaster when he found the bowl of icing, and started wiping some frosting on your face. You scolded him at first, and him being a naughty as ever, just returned a laugh at you. A side of you knew that he wouldn’t stop right away, and you had prepared yourself for the upcoming icing war. Thankfully, Jeonghan’s little sister had excused herself to start getting ready since there wasn’t that much time left and both of your parents will come anytime. When you finished decorating and frosting all of the holiday-shaped cookies, a smile plastered on yourself as you stared at your masterpiece.

“Babe, can you please place this inside the oven? It’s already preheated.” You handed him the metal tray carefully.

Jeonghan didn’t give a verbal response as he gladly accepted the tray in one hand, but you weren’t expecting a huge blob of white frosting in your nose, almost blocking the passage of air. His laugh rang the whole kitchen, sprinting away from you to avoid your revenge. And to his surprise, he saw how calm and cute you looked with a sweet white frosting on the tip of your nose.

You eyed him as he placed the tray inside the oven, while you grab the bowl of the leftover frosting. Dipping your finger to the icing, you tiptoed on your way, stopping right behind the crouching Yoon Jeonghan. Before he could whip around, you jumped onto his back, almost making the both of you fall (but Jeonghan’s reflexes are amazing), then wiping a handful of icing to his face. You squealed when you felt his strong hand on your wrist as you tried to get away from him.

“You think I’m gonna let you slip away?” He threatened, grinning widely.

The two of you were facing each other, him towering you with his figure and you yourself have your hands over your face to protect from whatever revenge he has in his mind. The frosting happened to landed on his cheeks, touching half of his lips. You watched him as he licked them with his lips and noticed how he’s trying to be seductive.

“Jeonghan, you’re disgusting.” You laughed, squinting at your sight.

He placed a quick peck on your lips, leaving few frosting on yours as well. You thought of bopping your nose on his other cheek, but the sound of the doorbell stopped you from continuing your evil plan.

Both of your mouths opened in shock, eyes widening as you shuffled around the room, instatly cleaning up the mess you’ve made.

“We’re doomed.” You muttered under your breath, wiping your face with a tissue.

“I knew this would happen.” You both heard a sing-song from Jeonghan’s sister as she passed by the kitchen door. “I’ll go get it!”

The front door creaked as it opened, muffled voices echoed through the hallway. According from the mix of voices, it seemed like both of your families arrived together, which basically just made the two of you grow more anxious.

From a distance, Jeonghan was thoroughly wiping the table, then proceeded to toss some clatters in the bin while you placed the untensils and plates on top of the clean table.

“Hyung!”

Your head shot up to your younger brother who was excitedly running towards Jeonghan, immediately throwing his small arms around your boyfriend’s thigh, making him almost drop the big bowl of meal from his hands.

“Wow, I’m actually hurt that you are more excited to see him than your actual sister.” You scoffed at the little boy.

Once Jeonghan had placed the bowl safely on the table, he lifted the your brother, grasping him securely in his arms. Your heart melted like gold when your brother wrapped his small arms around Jeonghan’s neck in return. Their giggles filled the room, along with arrival of his and your parents. When you caught a glimpse of them from your peripheral vision, a curve lifted up from the ends of your lips, showering your parents with warm embrace. Of course, you couldn’t forget to give some love Jeonghan’s parents too.

“My dear, why is your face in a mess?” His mom cooed, wiping off a little frosting.

The habit of calling her as ‘Ma’ suddenly jumped in your mind. “Ma, your son happened to declare a frosting war five minutes before you came.” You laughed, reaching for some tissue to actually remove the rest of the icing.

“Hyung looks cute with icing on his face.” Your brother giggled from his grasp.

“I think unnie looks cuter.” Jeonghan’s sister smirked, winking at you.

Jeonghan had set your five-year-old brother down on the cold tile before doing his turn to welcome both of your parents. “Ma, can you excuse us? We just have to clean up a little.” He asked, slinging an arm around my shoulder.

“Yes, of course. Make yourself comfortable before we enjoy the meal.” Your own mom replied, settling herself down on the cushioned seats.

“Hyung, don’t take too much time okay?” Your brother pleaded, pouting his lips very cutely which Jeonghan found very adorable and heart-melting.

“Yah, you still haven’t spoken a single word to me.” It was your turn this time to whine at him. “Why do I have the feeling that you love Jeonghan more than me?”

He didn’t exert an effort to give you a response, instead he just gave Jeonghan a smile before turning away and hugging your dad.

A sigh let out your mouth, shaking your head in defeat.

“Your brother loves me, loser.” Jeonghan laughed, pulling you with him towards your shared bedroom to start cleaning up your sweaty selves.

Everyone had their mouths going, letting their tongue explode with the variety of flavors like a color palette. They wore precious smiles as they buried themselves with the steaming food, together with their families and cherishing the splendid moment with laughter.

In the middle of chomping the sweet delicacies, Jeonghan pulled your brother on his lap, feeding him with your baked cookies. As you witnessed his treatment to your younger sibling, an image of a family with him went straight up to your mind.

But you were snapped out of your thoughts when you heard your father speak. “Jeonghan, Y/N, do you ever consider to settle down, maybe someday?“

With that statement, Jeonghan almost dropped the cookie from his hands, stiffling a nervous laugh to your father. Both of your eyes met in unison, with alarming expression. He gave you a pleading look, asking for your support from your father’s random curiousness.

You forced a smile to your father, rubbing your nape a little before answering, “Dad, don’t you think that’s too random to ask?” You chuckled nervously, glancing at your boyfriend quickly. “Besides, we’ve only been together for more than a year. Jeonghan’s pretty young and busy with his music career too. I’m sure settling down will come to the both of us in the right time.”

Jeonghan and the rest of your family were pleased with your answer. He gave you a thankful smile, tapping your knee.

“I wasn’t talking to you, my dear.” Your dad gave you a smug grin, wiping his mouth with a napkin. “But, you do have a point.”

“Of course, Dad. I always have a point.” You laughed. “Your question was out of the blue though.”

“I just become immediately curious when I saw how he took care of your brother.”

Maybe your father saw a bright family for the both of you too. And maybe, hopefully, he was assured that you are going to be fine, happy, and well-loved in Jeonghan’s arms.

You watched as a vibrant smile appeared on Jeoghan’s lips, his eyes twinking at the sight of the younger boy. Running your fingers through your brother’s soft brown hair, he turned around to look at you and smiled widely.

“Noona, are you going to marry Jeonghan hyung tomorrow?”

All of your family members laughed at his question, even Jeonghan who was eyeing you lovingly.

You leaned a little closer to him, looking straightly to his orbs. “Do you want me to?” You asked, a little part of you hoping he would say yes.

“Hm,” He hummed, nodding his head. You witnessed the stars explode in his eyes as he answered truthfully.

Jeonghan peered to you over the younger’s head, his chest bobbing as he shared a smirk to you. With your brother’s response, Jeonghan had seen a future family with you as well.

“Ugh, that was very tiring.” You groaned, plopping yourself at the couch.

The families had already left, very grateful by the meal you and Jeonghan had prepared for them. Jeonghan’s sister went with them too, as per she wanted you and her brother to have some alone time for the rest of the day. On the other hand, your brother didn’t want to let go from Jeonghan’s arm, but he had promised him to visit anytime soon if he isn’t busy from promotions and other schedules. Though it was sad seeing your family flee already, you were still grateful and light hearted for having the chance to celebrate Christmas with them.

Elf was playing in the television, and the faint sound of the film kind of warmed and lightened up your exhausted body. Your eyelid felt heavy, mind swimming its way to your dreamland, until you felt a pair of warm arms scoop your body which momentarily made your eyes fly open.

Jeonghan was smirking at you as he crushed your tired soul in his embrace. Nestling your head on his neck, you felt his warm breath against your skin.

“Are you tired already?” He asked softly in your ears, running a palm on your hair which soothed you a bit.

You hummed, wrapping your arms around him and felt more warmness wander on you.

“You can sleep. Then I’ll wake you up after a few hours.” He said. “You promised that we’ll build forts and snuggle while watching more Christmas film, right?” You felt him pout on the crown of your head.

Pulling away, you smiled weakly at him. “Of course, I wouldn’t miss that. Although I know both of us will end up sleeping in the middle of the first film.” You chuckled.

He was happy, and he knew he’s never going to stop being happy with you. “Merry Christmas, baby.” He whispered, kissing your forehead afterwards.

“Merry Christmas, Jeonghannie.” You sang, going back to your cuddling position.

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perfectionistincrisis · 7 years ago

Text

Life these days

Days these days. I get less of the episodes. Episodes - being triggered by anything that makes me reminisce the past & makes me extremely depressed. I stay away from my family & if needed to communicate, im extremely harsh & cold. Sometimes i keep getting flashbacks, & my mind is so busy.

Other times i am just sad for no reason. There are no clear triggers and my head is empty but i feel the same pain and interact with ppl i.e. my family the same. But at night, when i go to bed, or everyone else is asleep, i start crying out loudly! Almost all the time, I have no idea at all why im crying. I am totally clueless. But i cry loud enough to call it a scream & it pains just enough to shatter me into a billion tiny pieces. Very few of the times, there is actually something specific in my head that makes me cry out loud.

^ Yah all that.

That happens very less frequently now. Its been happening for 3 years now! But recently, and i mean veryyyyy recently like maybe within the past week or something, i am handling it way better. Its like i healed a bit. Although there is so much more of me to heal & i guess a little of me that will always remain broken.

There are many things i realized. And many things I witnessed.

One thing is how inhumane i have been with myself all these years. No one has tortured me more than I have done to myself. And i need to stop.

I realized how I am the one who gets tk decide ‘how much’ i am going to let any certain thing affect me. Yes. I get to decide that for myself. And the time has come, I need to let it not affect me at all. And i tried before too but this time i realized that i cant just sit and tell myself that from this moment nothings going to affect me & that will be it. No. It doesnt work that way!

I need to stand up for myself. I need to speak up for myself. And i need to fight back when needed.

Its like im in a battlefield & this is war.

Im on it on my own. No one will ever be able to help me. I need to be here for myself always.

To add to that, i realized that i seriously am on my own. I thought about it. There is no one i feel comfortable speaking to. The thing is, i have always been so aware of everything. Never let anyone see my weakness. Never trusted anyone. Never expected anything from anyone. I don’t let people in. I can not just certify someone as ‘close’. My family and him are the only ones who are close. But what i realized is, although I don’t talk to any of them about my problems, if i got a chance, i don’t think i ever really will be able to open up to any of them completely. With my family, well i think they’re close to me because of the blood. I mean my brothers, theyre still immature. My dad, well he lacks emotions. So nah id pass. And my mom.. Well, i dont think ill ever be able to be myself completely with her.. I just..idk i just feel like she’ll judge me.. I just dont want her to get any wrong idea of me as a person and sometimes we judge people way too fast. I am not that good at communicating face to face. ‘Speaking’.

I am much better at communicating when i get to sit and slowly write down what i have to say. And even worse, i dont even know to express myself in bangla. I mean even my duas when i pray to mg duas when im doing tawaf, its always in english. Thats what im comfortable using for communication so yeah. And with him, well i wasnt ever scared of him judging me. If speaking to my moms a 3/10 then speaking to him is a 9/10. But its just not 10.. That ‘1’ i missed out; there is still a fear of being judged.. More importantly, we dont talk now so its not an option anyways.

So i realized that im unsure Ill be able to completely open up to any of them because i feel like theyll start to think stuff, or theyll feel im just exaggerating it or theyll judge not me but the other people i talk about & mostly the people in my stories are these people who are close to me. I dont want anyone to think wrong of anyone else or anyone to get hurt listening to my feelings of how their involvement affected me.

So i realized that its safe to say I am in this on my own. I need to fight for myself. I also realized that I am more of a ‘cry baby’. I mean if i have problems i should just deal with it myself. Okay well thats what ive been trying to do all this time.

So many a times, i did get better, feel better. But then, out of the blue, there’s a flare up.

This time, inshaAllah, i hope there wont be.

Some things also happened recently, somethings i witnessed which im totally not sure about. Meaning, i dont know if theyll be saved in my head as something positive or negative. Ha ha ha. Yessss, thats the complexity of this whole shit matter. Theres an equal 50:50 chance of it being either one.but for now its positive for the bigger part with a pinch of negative that was there in the beginning.

If this wasnt me blogging but instead talking to him, id say thing 5 time more than whatever i just wrote down.

Life is fine right now Alhamdulillah. I get depressed very less often. Well i just wanted to point out that me being less depressed doesnt mean my lifes a party or im really really happy and all 24 7. Everyday is full of ups and downs and social media is mostly just for focusing on the ups.

But then nah, really, I mean deep inside my heart I am so thankful to Him. Theres this satisfaction; this firm belief that He will take care of me. He will help me and He will be their by my side always. And i need to stress on it that this belief in Him is really really really strong.

But that doesnt mean i dont stress. Cause man, i “over-stress”. I mean i need to do my part too. I need to do my best AND have faith in Him. But thaaaat is the thing. Whenever im ‘doing’ something, i just have to turn it into something stressful. Story of a perfectionist. Trust me its a burden.

Also, what brings the most calmness to my heart & at the same time also make me equally restless is how much i keep falling in love with him. More and more every second. I think of him all the time. I pray for him all the time.. And sometimes it feels so bad, i wish i could touch him.. And always, i find myself having no words to let it out.. But i take it as a good thing. I just worry though, always, of whether im doing something he wouldnt like. Its just not that obvious to me. I mean i hardly do anything ‘-’ but like i said, i overstress over every tiny thing so yeah.

So um, thats it.

P.S. also this post was a sudden decision and im having a bad headache so im not sure i was able to put things down nicely. I also didnt re read it but i just wanted to write down a general overview of how lifes been these days.

Its fine Alhamdulillah - had worse days. And praying for far better days inshaAllah ❤❤❤

I worry a lot about him though. I always keep thinking if everything is alright❤

tata for now :)

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