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prettyhawkward · 28 days ago

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TW- abuse mentions, DID stuff, physical medical stuff, child abuse. In general just approach with caution if you're easily triggered or just don't want that sort of stuff in your brain!

🖤

Just musings/rantings on DID stuff for my own reference-

I've spent so much time picking apart my own actions and words and happenings. And like many traumatised folk, I carry an unhealthily large dose of 'you're a massive faker/attention seeking prick' right inside my guts.

I suppose the most notable thing about that is that this /doesn't/ give me any extra attention. I live with my two kids and partner system. We've honestly mostly got this shit down... we mostly can tell who is who, we roll with it. Anyone fronting is given the same respect and affection and care regardless of who they are. It's created a sense of safety and love which is exactly what you need when you're like... I dont know. An alter whose entire existence was about being hurt or whatever...

But recently there's been stuff happening. It feels like you have periods of like... calm and its not normalcy. Our day to day lives in private are normal and comfortable for us. We clean, we do crafts, we buy food and make dinners, we take the kids to school and when we can afford it on trips or for treats. But I'd say underneath that is the awareness that for most people it's not a daily occurance to maybe be five or seven different people at different points and not have their partner be the same.

Healing is a weird process. Integration in the sense of.. alters coming forward, communicating and allowing themselves to be seen is not at all a linear thing and tbh it is awful at times.

Last week I had a seizure in the street. This was preceded by nightmares and hallucinations of alters that go back to when I was a child.

I've had two TIA's and a history of migraines so tbh I did just assume. Hey, there's probably something physically wrong with my brain and I'm going to die. I do have elevated wbc so I'm fighting something, but I'm also midway through a pancreatitis flare up so I /would/ have elevated wbc. Like..

Anyway. Night before last I started drifting to sleep at around 10.20pm or so. I was dreaming about my house, just vaguely wandering around as I always do. It's my house. We live here. I hear footsteps and I put my hand behind me in a greeting, someone took my hand. Again, this is my house, I'm familiar with my people. This feels weird and different so I turn and 'He' is there and I'm like... immediately a bit irritated. My head and body hurts and I'm like. Come on. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of 'new' alters creeping out of the darkness like little bugs skittering out because they feel safe. This is just me personally. But I don't want to learn there's other parts. Knowing there's others in here involves at least subconsciously acknowledging that there's always going to be trauma and memories suppressed that deeply. I don't want to know that. Who wants to acknowledge that this man exists this vividly because something terrible happened to you? You know it had to be when you were a child because you remember seeing him when you were a child. You know damn well the kinds of evil fucked up things people do to little kids. I don't want to think about that. I don't want to even imagine that that's possible. Why do you exists then? I was lonely, sure, but you're not the friends who kept me company. I had a little girl called Clementine, and a boy called George. They're now parts of other alters. But they were my little friends. I used to see them sitting on the swing or running next to me. Laying in bed on my side and holding their hands listening to my parents scream and throw things and slam doors. George would sit with me when I would hide in this closet. (Lol) I drew a picture of him in there. So, somewhere in a closet in Egypt there's a little drawing of George with his silly hair. He was ginger, which was probably a heavy projection from my love of Anne of Green Gables at the time.

On one birthday I made little cakes and treats out of blue-tak and we squeezed into this little cupboard underneath the boiler and 'blew out' the candles. (Like most autistic kids I loved squeezing into dark/surrounded areas.)

But like.. to me those make sense. I was a lonely kid with an active imagination and I was dissociating from a pretty traumatising environment with very little stability. We moved every few months. As we got older it became fun to joke that it was a miracle if we stayed anywhere longer than 6 months, so we had no friends, or any friends we made we knew would soon be gone. You can't make lasting connections or friendships when next week you'll be flying to a different country or whatever. So, might as well carry those in your mind with you. I vividly remember a thought along the lines of 'you can't take away someone if they're in my head with me'. Like it was a powerfully vindictive thought for how young I was.

This man- I know he's been here a long time. So I know. I'm not stupid. You can't convince me you get alters like this because you used to get beaten or starved or moved too much or were lonely. If you're a little kid, and your tiny little child brain conjures up a figure meant to stand with you and protect you. Or cover your eyes so you can't see the bad stuff. He's going to look scary. But amusingly, heavily inspired by all the tales of the devil they told us. 'He's beautiful and effeminate (because its evil for a male to have female characteristics and vice versa, like full on BS) he has pale skin and long hair. Long painted nails. Black lips and pointed teeth. Inhumanly tall/long limbed. He moves faster than you have time to blink and his voice is silky and creeps inside your mind.' It cracks me up in hindsight. You told little kids that /this/ is what the devil looks like. Literally used the words beautiful again and again.

Anyway, this dream... I was holding his hand, I was confused because it wasn't /my/ Sebastian and in my weird state I didn't entirely get what this was. I tried to pull my hand back, but he held it harder and pulled me close, pushed me against the wall and the wall was holding me there while he pressed his hand into my chest and I was trying to fight and push him off but it was like he was trying to push into my chest. I couldn't breathe and I got into that half awake/half paralysed sleep paralysis state and in that state I could see him standing over me next to my bed pushing on my chest and I was panicking because I really couldn't breathe in at all and then Sebastian pushed him off and I could move my finger and break out of the paralysis. It took a while to fade off all the way and because I had been inside the walls there were like spiders crawling inside my ears and I felt crawling all over me.

My 'trauma' and internal workings have always merged into the visual waking world. Like even if it was just the whole vividly seeing alters outside in the waking world. As a child they performed countless 'exorcisms' on me because I hadn't yet learned to keep it to myself that there was a beautiful woman staring at everyone from the side of the room.

Now as an adult I can /generally/ tell the difference between the people in my head and the people outside. Generally.

Audio stuff is harder to differentiate. In the safety of home and with a partner who gets it and isn't at all like, hey do you mind, we often fall into the comfortable habit of responding or talking to each other out loud but obviously that comes with dangers of like... you can't be doing that in public. It happens. But people don't really like it.

Things like drugs, alcohol, sleep deprivation or stress can make the lines blur in a way that makes it much harder to differentiate. I've tried to explain it as at any point I can see my house and the outside world. There's an overlap. It's comfortable and familiar to close my eyes and ease into my house. I'm safe in here. You can't hurt me because you can't come in here and the people with me would soon have you dealt with in various vicious ways.

I don't even remember what my intention was with writing this... just musing. I'm going through processes and somehow life just.. keeps on. What a life.

#did system #robin #sebastian #chase #autism

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milky-oatmeal18 · 2 years ago

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tell me all of ur invader zim headcanons or like aus or whatever u NEED to talk more

i do have an au i am working on, though i think ill make a separate post for that, right now ill just talk about headcanons!!

disclaimer that u dont have to agree with any of my headcanons, this is just how i see them personally, and there are times when i draw them older, but that's only really for aus or something

also, giving young kids sexualities isnt sexualizing, kids can know when they like boys or girls more, or both! <3

DIB

dib is about 14 when i draw him (probably like 13 and 9 months old, still a baba)

5'0 in height

mexican

he is autistic! his hyper-fixations are aliens, and cryptids in general, i would like to think he also fixates on technology, and building things

the headphones i draw him in are sensory headphones! theyre just noise cancelling but they help him a lot!

he is trans FtM, but since hes young hes just on hormone blockers and practices deep voices and stuff, which is why his voice is still high, but still masc (he/him)

in the show i know he does hack into things, but i like to think he also programs a lot! he makes a lot of stuff for his own use, like for his computer he made a program that helps him keep all his personal info on zim, it has a password and everything so no one tries stealing anything

he has anger issues, not major ones, but he does get mad a lot and easily, he usually calms down by napping or watching supernatural documentaries

he draws a lot more than you think! i know theres silly doodles across his room, but i like to think he has a binder full of all his drawings that arent on his walls or anything, hes a weird kid, so hed probably draw like zims gut anatomy or something

he tries playing the guitar, hes not the worst at it, he just cant play a full song without messing up at least once

he has paranoia, its hard for him to sleep usually, so that's why he's almost always tired, when he cant sleep he stays up trying to find more stuff on zim!

he prefers tea over coffee! while he does love coffee, i like to think he drinks tea more cause of prof membrane, and he doesn't complain about it, his favorite tea is black tea!

i like to think that he knows he's not straight but just doesn't know what he is, he says omni whenever someone asks, but he doesn't really know

he loves, and i mean LOVES gir so much that he gets kinda upset that he cant have his own sir(?) unit, i mean who doesnt

his briefcase is actually a case for his laptop that he just uses as a briefcase at times, sometimes his laptop is in there sometimes its not, depending on what he's set out to do

ZIM

when i draw zim, i personally see him around the age 14-15 (14 and 9 months at least) still a baba

4'11 in height

zim has adhd, though on irk its just seen as him having trouble in a lot of things, or just as a defect, it doesn't bring him down though!

though zim is young, he did go through invader training because of how irkens are made just to be weapons and/or invaders

he used to be a scientist for the irken empire, but quickly got excluded from being one due to messing around and messing up a lot of valuable equipment, the turtle neck was kept from being a scientist as a kind of punishment to "remember what he did" but he just thinks it looks cool

he was never given limb enhancers like the other invaders cause he isn't a real invader, so he thought hed make his own cause he though maybe they just forgot to give him some, it does have a bit more advances than the regular invader one, since they're not allowed to enhance or add onto their enhancers without given permission

zim cant eat many earth foods, but he also cant eat many irk foods, , not cause of allergies, but because of his sensory issues, its hard for him to eat in general (his safe food is waffles!!)

irkens dont have genders, mainly prefered pronouns in which zims are he/it

he made his own hearing aid cause of how much it was pushed off on irk, no one really believed that irkens can be born with defects like that unless their antennas are damaged (only his right antenna is mostly deaf)

he sees gir as his little brother more than he sees him as a sir unit, he doesn't know the term brother, but knows he cares more about gir than anything else even if he finds him annoying

he forgets things, a LOT, in the comic i think its funny how fast he forgets things or pushes things aside, but i like to think he just, actually forgets that fast, even if he tries to remember it

like dib, he doesnt really know his sexuality, mostly cause of how irkens don't have genders, or don't really have the concept of genders in their head, so he just also thinks he's omni, with a masc pref

i like to think he has more of a over bite, but when he's not paying attention he sometimes puts his bottom row of teeth over his lips, just as a little fidget, or just does it while biting the skin off his lips (if irkens have lips?? idk probably not visible ones)

he is still growing, height wise, but when he's older his hight wont be the tallest, probably a few inches or so

GAZ

gaz is 11 and a half (11 and 6 months) she is also, a baba

5'0 in height, suck it zim

mexican

she has adhd as well, fixated on games and pigs

her safe food is pizza!! she loves eating it with her dad and dib, they just like being able to spend time with all of them even if she messes with dib a lot

she likes cryptids to a degree, also isn't as obsessed as dib is, just thinks that only SOMETIMES they're interesting

she tells dibs to make hacks for her in games, and even tells him to make games or addons for games, she usually plays the games dib makes for like a day and then never again

along with the guitar, she can play the drums! she likes playing them while dibs trying to sleep or nap

she is a lesbian and a demigirl! (she/they)

they have a lot of stuff for stress reliving in her room, like a punching bag and a LOT of pillows to punch, she sometimes puts a picture of dibs face on the punching bag, but its not as good as the real thing

she doesnt hate dib, she wont mind if he holds her hand while they walked home or hugged her from time to time, she just likes tormenting him cause its funny

she prefers coffee over tea, which is why they have coffee at their house, she prefers it over tea but would still drink tea if they had some, plus prof membrane basically makes them drink it at times, she prefers her coffee black, but wont mind it being super sweet either

the necklace that her dad gave her actually has a tracker in it incase she ever gets lost, they never get lost cause they're mostly at home, but just incase

she thinks zim is interesting, they think its interesting how he is and how it even got to earth, but she cant be bothered to find out, all she knows is that he's annoying

gaz is sort of blind, they have hyperopia (far-sighted) she does have glasses but only uses them if they really need to, she doesnt wanna look like a nerd like dib

she usually cuts her hair by themself, mostly cause of how when they go get it cut they usually give her a bob instead of what they wanted

probably prefers punk, goth, and emo over scene, but still admires others who can pull it off

has a little case for their game slave! its like a little bag, shes always sure to have it on themself so shes never bored

GIR

gir has no real age mostly cause of how hes a robot, but i like to think theyre always seen as a child, 8 years old to be exact

gir is autistic coded!

3'5 in height

they have no gender as well, obviously, but do have "preferred" pronouns (it usually gets called by it/they/he)

he really does care about zim and his mission, it just has a lot of trouble focusing on it, or functioning right, since theyre literally made of garbage

his sir unit build is the same as mimis (taks sir), but just defected with misprints and messed up parts, thats why he has prints in the same place as mimi, just messed up

adding onto that, he doesnt have the same big arm as mimi on his left, both his arms are from the builds that regular invaders have

a lot of his parts float, his arms can still extend and move freely, its just that they float , there is a sertain extent where if they go too far they just detach or recoil back to the body, they only detach if zim needs to fix anything on gir

a lot of his body can be detached, almost every single part, he can either still be sentient while they do, or be turned off

zim actually made girs disguise, like handmade, so it has different shades of green scattered around on it, its obviously fake, but people fall for it

the blue color on him changes depending on how he feels, usually its just other shades of blue (ex. dark blue for sad, bright blue for happy/excited, a little duller blue for neutral, you get it) , but when he actually takes orders is when he turns a different color (red)

a lot of the foods he eats can actually turn into fuel for him, depends on what it is, if its chips, soda, slushies, donuts, or any foods that would be on irk as well, will most likely be transferred into energy for him, if its foods like pizza, tacos, or just anything thats specific to earth, it will most likely get jammed into his system, to where zim has to clean almost all the time

a lot of his system is messed up, but zim fixed it up a bit, he doesnt know what causes gir to be crazy and silly and just the way he is, but he feels like it wont feel right if gir was just a normal sir unit

ill probably come back to this to add or fix some stuff if i ever feel the need to, but for now these are all the headcanons i have for them!! these are either adding onto or just new ones that werent on the refs i made for them, so yeah!! again this is just how i see them, you dont have to agree or anything

#invader zim #iz #invader zim dib #dib membrane #iz dib membrane #iz dib #invader zim gir #iz gir #invader zim gaz #gaz membrane #iz gaz #iz gaz membrane #headcanons #hcs #invader zim headcanons #invasor zim

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sakkigami · 9 months ago

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15 questions for 15(?) friends

I haven't done this in years omg, thanks for the tag @salamanders-please !!

Were you named after anyone? An old song from the 80's my parents used to love (at least the native version of that name cuz english names were forbiden)

When was the last time you cried? A few months back due to a breakup, I barely ever cry

Do you have kids? God no.

What sports have you played/do you play? Used to play volleyball :D It was really fun but then I got out of school ofc so, couldn't anymore.

Do you use sarcasm? I don't think so lol I dont pay much attention to that.

First thing you notice about people? Their hair. Haircut, color, length, etc.

What is your eye color? Dark brown.

Scary movies or happy endings? I can't handle scary movies so I'll go for happy endings, tho I prefer sad/bad ones (emo)

Any talents? I kinda know how to draw. Also good at sleeping for however many hours and Still wake up incredibly tired

Where were you born? Portugal.

What are your hobbies? Drawing, playing games and watching jerma.

Do you have any pets? I have my little kitty cat of 8 years :3 my precious baby.

How tall are you? 1.78m or 5'11"

Favorite subject at school? Either art or english, cuz I got to do whatever I wanted and still pass. Anything that didn't require attention had me. Also loved PE.

Dream job? Nothing ever as well <3

I dont have 15 friends :3 I'll tag friends And mutuals instead. @suitcasesoffeathers @cockworms @coco-saurio @tsunderefairy @karasunonolibero @gxle @cawgeyamas @sleepy-timaeus

No one needs to do this of course! Just if you want to ^^

#tag meme #it has been 6yrs since ive done one of these damn #a lot changed #good.

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strawhatyaa · 2 years ago

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boo boo danny (ruby gloom au?)

so i was re watching ruby gloom and kept thinking of dp x dc au crossover with Danny as boo boo and everyone else in the manor as the other ruby gloom characters. maybe alfred the cat or titus as doom kitty (both maybe) if were basing it off the episode boo boo was introduced :) maybe Damian as ruby, Tim as misery, and maybe skull boy as dick? not sure about the others tho. or maybe Jason as Poe for shits and giggles because its a funny idea. I say ruby for Damian as ruby because in the episode everyone thought doom was just going crazy except for ruby, misery as Tim just because it fit every fic I remember reading, him just always being tired, and having bad luck. amd misery always just made such funny claims that I think a sleep deprived Tim would make. poe as Jason because he just reads a lot of books, and Dick as skull boy because with his outgoing personality it seemed kinda fitting to me. I don't know who Mr white and Mr white would be. maybe kitty and jonny? not sure who else would fit the roll as best as they do butt yeah, that's all my brain has got and I juat rlly wanted to get this outta my head. also hope I see more ruby gloom fans I have rewatched that show at least 5 not including how much I replayed the DVD when I was a kid :) watch it its on tubi tv and u juat nees to give them ur email!!!! rereading this it is genuinely so confusing with the crossover and especially if you dont know ruby gloom but I need to get my rambles out of my head before I combust. will draw this later probably :)

#dp x dc crossover #danny phantom #danny fenton #ruby gloom #batman #danny phantom crossover #danny phantom au #damian al ghul #alternate universe #jason todd #dick grasyon

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br1ghtestlight · 2 years ago

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I'm in your asks should much, I think I might just start living here

But look at them🥰

Any hcs regarding the pesto family?

THANK YOU FOR INDULGING MY HYPERFIXATION <33 love andy and ollie in this screenshot. just sittin' there

they aren't close like tina/louise/gene (mostly bcuz andy and ollie already have each other for friendship) but jimmy jr does love his little brothers and feels protective of them. he feels responsible for them and generally just tries to keep them out of trouble. also as we see in that one episode he has to hold their hands when they cross the street which i think is adorable!!!! always keeping em safe :)

when andy or ollie has a nightmare and they're scared they ALWAYS go to jimmy jr and he lets them sleep in his bed with him even though its very crowded (the twins will not sleep without each other) he asks them about it and tells them that they're safe and it was just a bad dream <3

andy and ollie think jimmy jr is VERY cool actually!!!! they love his dancing and generally look up to him a lot they're very impressed when he does things like blow a bubble with bubblegum or does a handstand on the monkey bars yknow typical big brother stuff. they're always following him around at recess and its kinda embarrassing but he does think its cute (its also comforting for him to know that his brothers love him no matter what bcuz he doesn't always feel like that way with his parents)

andy and ollie's first word was jimmy jr <3 he knew his parents would be upset about this so he let them believe that their first word was mama or dada and nobody knows the truth except for him

jimmy pesto legally changed their family name to pesto before his kids were born and all of his kids genuinely believe that their family is italian. nobody has ever corrected them for some reason not even their mom

andy and ollie like staying with their mom better and jimmy jr likes staying with their dad better. but the siblings never wanted to be split up so their parents have equal custody

jimmy pesto likes showing his kids old italian movies that he watched when he was younger and its a genuine bonding moment for them!!!! not all the movies they watch are appropriate for kids and there is some murder drug dealing and gangs but thats okay its fine

andy and ollie brought one of his old italian movies to school once for show and tell and it was inappropriate for kids so jimmy pesto got in trouble and told them not to do that anymore FJDMDJDJSKSKS or at least ask him first

jimmy jr babysits andy and ollie when his dad is busy and he is NOT good at it Tbh he mostly just does whatever he wants and leaves them to fend for themselves bcuz he figures they're old enough that they can yell for help if they need him. they usually just raid the fridge or do arts and crafts and end up making a huge mess everywhere that jimmy jr has to clean up (or else he'll get in trouble)

jimmy jr has convinced andy and ollie to play dance games (like just dance on the wii) with him on several occasions and they will TRY but they are extremely bad at dancing and uncoordinated and jimmy jr gets frustrated when they get a low score

andy and ollie like drawing pictures for jimmy jr with crayons or paints or for school assignments and they like giving to him as surprise gifts :) he's probably got a million of them at this point but he keeps them all and hangs them up in his bedroom

andy and ollie LOVE bugging jimmy jr when they're bored and dont have anything else to do they'll go into his bedroom or follow him into the bathroom and just TALK AND TALK abt whatever is on their mind and he is shockingly patient about this. he sometimes gets tired of them and puts headphones in but pretends that he's still listening and they honestly cant even tell the difference

#sorry that there are not many jimmy pesto headcanons he's a fun character but he interacts with his kids uhh not very often!!!!#and from what we see when he DOES interact with them their relationship is not great #but i believe he does love him and he knows that his life would be 100x worse without them in it #he never once considered not taking custody of them after the divorce he loves those freaking kids even when they drive him crazy #bob's burgers #ask #headcanons

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lexa-griffins · 2 years ago

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Madi loves it when her mommies read her bedtime stories at night before she falls asleep. When Lexa is pregnant with Saige, Madi asks if she can read bedtime stories to her baby sister in her mommy's tummy 🥺

Oh my goodness yes!! 🥹

As a book lover, Lexa kinda went ham on the kids' book shopping back when she was pregnant with Madi so that little girl has a bunch of books to choose from for bedtime and Lexa adores the sweet little stories while Clarke gushes about the adorable illustrations.

Madi finds a few to be her favorite and will try to memorize the words the best she can with her mommas' help. Its cute reading a book to her and have her finish the sentences because she already know the lines, and Lexa actually teaches Madi to read a little earlier than most by doing this, sometimes falling asleep mid-sentence. And to incentive their energetic little toddler to sleep when she says she's not tired, Clarke will take Madi's hand and rest it on Lexa's tummy where the baby is still kicking and awake "your baby sister wont go to sleep unless you sleep too sweetheart, dont you want to show the baby how to be a big girl and sleep on time?". Madi eyes will widen and she'll nod very fast, getting cozier underneath the comforter and asking Lexa if she can read another smaller book to help her little sister fall asleep, not that Madi needs it.

One day she comes down the stairs with her favorite book in hand - The Tale of Peter Rabbit of course - and tells mommy that today she will be the one reading the bedtime story, she even tells Lexa to go and lay down because she wants to be sure her baby sister is comfortable inside her tummy so she can fall asleep to Madi's reading. She ends up making up half of the story and needing constant help to read the words she knows but she does it in the cutest voice, all hushed and sweet, talking directly to Lexa's tummy while she lays on the couch against Clarke. To their shock tho, Saige really does seem to fall asleep to Madi's reading but so does Madi who is still halfway through the book, heavy eyes already closing as the words trail off. Clarke picks her up and kisses her head, angling her in her arms so she can kiss Lexa's bump and so Lexa can kiss her head before she takes her to her bed and tucks her in already asleep.

The tradition continues when Saige is born, just a little wide eyes newborn staring at her big sister with shinning eyes as she reads her the exact same book, making sure to show her all the drawings and follow along with her finger where she is reading so Saige knows where to look.

Years later Madi will joke thats shes the reason Saige is such a storyteller and in the children's book Saige publishes, with illustrations so similar to Beatrix Potter's, there's a little dedication at the start:

For my big sister Madi, thank you for always reading me to sleep.

Below, a sweet picture Clarke captured all those years ago of Lexa in her hospital room, little Saige only a few hours old in her arms as Madi sat on her lap with Peter Rabbit opened in her hands, so clearly engrossed in her story telling.

Back on the farm, Madi, Lexa and Clarke are bawling their eyes out at the dedication 🥹

#letter opened #farm clexa #heda-in-the-clouds #I MIGHT HAVE CRIED WRITING THIS #(i definitely cried writing this)#MY CHILDREN 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

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pineappleciders · 2 years ago

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3 for the asks. 🔫 answer now

u wanr me to rant. you REALLY wnat me to rant.

i am abojt to dump about everything on my mind rn⚠️⚠️ beware

it's 12:38 am im on the tkuelt and im so tired i need to sleep, i have a huge problem wit staying up too late. i always go on my phone too long or start drawing and i dont let myself stop draieng u til the deawing is finished. i used to wake up at 12 everyday w an alarm but ive started waking up esrlier, dont get me wrong i like it because i get more daylight and i feel like i have more time to do thifns but i'm actually so tired. like i'm eepy all the time because i usually need like 9-10 hours of sleep to feel well rested and now im getting up eith like 7-8, which is a normal amount of sleep but i kust dont feel like im getting enoguh rest. the deaiwnf thing is another tbing, i get random motivation to draw ar night and i always stay up until 7 am drawing for no reason. i can never finish an art piece or polish one to amke it look good,, i made some valentiens drawings tht im gonna post for valentines day but sshh dont tell anyone🤫 im also probably gona write some stuff for valentiens day like omori stuff. and mayhaps more drawings,, who knwos. but anyways i played a lot of overwtahc eith my friende tosay and it was fun, my thiat hurts and im geberally very tired . i tried to make bjt artworks but i gaveup and i made cute little things instead, i sipsoe i ahve ro take baby steps🤕🤕🤕

spoilers for cupid ye, ep1 s26 south park

honestly??? i liekd the whole kanye thign i think it wad funnt, but idk what it is i feel liek its changed. like the kids r all on tiktok and theyre like stucky little opad kkids now. i kidna miss when the characters were all like,, kids born in idk the 90's and i miss the old nostalgic south park. i think south park is still going strong even after 25 yeats which im super proud of rhme for, but the eps are about like stuff hapoening now and idk. i feel lkke they mignt be running out of ideas. the episode wass till funny tho btj i physically recoiled during the tiktok parts . it seems like cartman is different. like was the epsiode implyifj that he takes meds to suppress his anti-semitism because if so thgS hilarious but like. hes changed so much idk. i still lvoe him but if eelike theyre minda confused on whag to do with cartmand character atp

#pineappleciders #sorory #south park #random rant

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hekkoto · 5 months ago

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Hello my darklings!

Here I come with lil post with update cause I feel like you deserve to know how things are going and why lately Im barely online

My main issue is my poor mental health, I again struggle with constant, daily suicidal thoughts. Im kinda used to this as I struggle with this since I was teen, when I was kid they werent daily at least. They stopped like 2 or 3 years ago but now they are back. Its really hard to live like this but I try to keep going, no matter how much it hurts. In case you dont know – I suffer from borderline which means Im constantly jumping between very strong emotions and my actions are often reckless. Usually you can see me being super euphoric but also very depressed. Lately those depressive moments started to be very long and harder than usually. Adding awful heatwave we had since few weeks it caused me to be on edge of giving up. Here I want to thank a lot everyone who was leaving nice comments or talking with me and trying to cheer me up, I know it might be tiring that I keep saying Im worthless and such but thats how I feel. Im not used to people being so nice to me, really thank you, you are saving my life. I would love to be able to ask for help but sadly Im not, I feel like Im burden to everyone. Its something I need to work on, it will take some time but sadly for now Im still struggling with this. But Im always super grateful for everything you do <3

In last days I sleep a lot, like up to 18 hours per day, right now Im not sure if thats cause of my chronic fatigue or depressive state. Im also wasting a lot of time watching lets plays from The Binding of Isaac: Repentance cause its my comfort game and it really helps me. So yeah, I barely do anything.

I struggle a lot with substance abuse, starting from overdosing antidepressants constantly just to survive, I also drink and such. Im aware its bad, Im aware that I cross the line but Im doing it to go through those days. I will try my best to limit this when I will feel better, when I wont need this to stay alive.

Here I want to apologize my Patrons, Im so so so sorry that in last months I dont post most of promised stuff and a lot of things are late ;-; and I want to thank you a lot for still being here, I cant express how happy I am. I promise that when I will feel better everything will be on time, I will also give you some bonus for your patience <3

Please, give me some more time to sort things out. I know that the best thing for me now would be therapy but sadly Im not able to afford this. I will ask my psychiatrist to prescribe me therapy so if in some magical way I will have money I will be able to start it. I start to consider asking my parents for this but honestly? They spend 1000PLN every month just on my meds, they also pay for my doctors, from time to time my mom goes with me to do lil shopping of hygienic stuff and home supplies and pays for everything. They also pay for my flat and all the bills. So yeah... they already spend a lot on me and I feel so bad about this and asking for more feels awful. But if this is something I need to stay alive I guess I have to...

My physical health isnt the best too, I suffer from quite bad pains of joints and muscles. I have bigger dose of meds for this but its still not perfect. Also on days when heatwave hits Im kinda trapped in my house, I cant go outside when its super hot cause its dangerous for me

Thanks to your support and my husband's help things arent super bad yet, thankfully I was able to not go back to self harm and my suicidal thoughts are just thoughts an Im not doing anything to actually kill myself. Without you... welp, I would be dead

I plan to use the best my time when Im feeling fine, I wanna draw and record a lot. So yeah, for now I cant promise any time when stuff will be there but I will do it. I will be working on one project which is very important for me, you will see it soon [I hope haha]. Right now I will focus on commissions and stuff for Patrons so if you wait for something from me – it will be there soon <3

Thank you a lot for your patience and love, you are awesome <3 I dont know how long it will take for me to get better but I will keep fighting and hopefully at some point I wont suffer so much. My past was awful and it damaged me a lot, fixing it will be very long and hard but I must stay strong. I will keep fighting and perhaps I will be able to make my dreams come true

Love ya, Hekkoto

#update #mentalhealth #depression #vent #ventart #updatepost #info #smallartist #mentalillness #sad #pain #depressed

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kiribakus-wifes · 2 years ago

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Rainy day - (My OC) fan fiction, fluff, Short Story

Parirings: Eijiro Kirishima x Asami Sato (My OC)

Note: This is a short story that has my oc in it so its not a y/n. I have to start writing my oc's info book but I will after I post this book I am new to writing fan fiction and I wanted to give it a try since I like writing essays and reading fan fictions. This is a fluff romance story of Eijiro Kirishima x Asami Sato that is the name of my oc I hope you guys like it and please correct me and give me tips on my writing I want to improve and make you guys happy so please let me know with all your feedback🤍

All characters are aged up and have graduated UA highschool some of my calculations might be off when I do write my OC info book. Please don’t mind it 🥲 I hope you enjoy.

—-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's been four years since my boyfriend Eijiro Kirishima asked me to move in with him after we graduated UA. I still couldn't believe that I get to spend the rest of my life with him as I'm in my own thoughts laying on the couch waiting for Eiji to come home.

Eijiro has been training so hard to become one of the top heroes so he's always so busy but so am I since I'm a hero too. It is currently nine o’ clock pm. I took a few days off from hero duties because Eijiro believed I needed rest when he noticed I wasn't sleeping much at night and almost falling asleep during conversations but all I wanted to do was get back out onto the field and stop villains, but he gave me a stern look when I said I was fine and laughed about taking a few days off so I knew he was being serious.

I haven't really been away from him for more than a day or two so I knew I wasn't going to survive not seeing him for so long. He had a busy schedule so he would try not to call when he wanted to let me know he was safe at four in the morning when he got to the hotel from a mission he just finished, but I would already be up because I couldn't sleep without him there… so much for taking some days off.

We would text and call here and there but today he hasn’t texted much but he did say he was on a very hard mission and not to worry too much about him which was hard as it is.

I missed Eijiro so much, I missed fighting alongside him and making jokes about having kids one day but the biggest thing I missed most about him are his warm tight hugs. I've been laying on this couch for what felt like hours.

I put on twilight hoping it would distract me from not crying and feeling lonely but of course that failed. I was on the verge of tears until I heard a ding go off from my phone I quickly picked up my phone to see a text from “My Sharkboy” the text said,

My sharkboy– Hey pebble, i'm sorry i haven't texted you in a while i know you must have been worried about me but dont worry anymore i'm safe and im coming home very soon if your asleep which i hope you are i love you sleep well <3

Me- ahhh eiji i missed you so so much, you're coming home yayyy! when will you be here i miss your cuddles

My Sharkboy- Asami your supposed to be resting, but i missed you more my love i'll be home in fifteen minutes so better be ready for so much hugs and kisses im driving right now and it's starting to pour so i'll see you soon pebble i love you

Me- Okayy eiji please drive carefully in the rain i can't wait to see you i love you more <3

I jumped off the couch smiling so much I was so excited to see him I knew he would be sore and tired so since it was raining I decided I'd draw him a warm bath.

I used some coconut scented soap to make scented bubbles in the warm water and I put some rose petals from some flowers that were almost dying near the door leading up to our bathtub into our room. Then I lit a few candles by the bathtub.

I wanted to try to do something special since he's always working so hard and never really gets a break and always making sure I relax before himself. He deserves this as I was lighting the last candle on the edge of the tub when I heard a knock from the front door. It startled me and I almost fell into the tub but thank goodness I catched myself before a disaster happened.

I ran to the door checking the peep hole and lou and behold I could faintly see a tall red haired figure standing there. I did almost doubt myself since he said he would be here in fifteen minutes and that didn't really seem like fifteen minutes. I cautiously opened the door and there he was my face lit up as I looked into his ruby red eyes and saw how happy he looked to see me.

Looking back at me he looked like such a cute wet dog, I let him walk in only a little bit and I had gotten a better look at him in the bright light. His used to be tall gel liked red hair was all down in his face his sharp toothy smile showing he was soaked from head to toe but I didn't care I missed him a lot so I jumped up on him hugging him tight like I was a koala.

He chuckled at my actions “well someone really did miss me a lot” he said smiling with one hand on my back and the other scratching his neck nervously. I looked at him, grinning from ear to ear “Of course I did Eiji, I have a surprise for you”. He looked at me and then looked down, seeing all the petals and some dead ones on the floor. “Oh yea?” He smiled, putting me down.

Once I touched the floor I pushed him a little to follow the trail I made. We made our way to the bathtub, it was dark but the lit up candles made it a nice dim light.

We were in the doorway to our bathroom. I was so nervous it was so quiet and I couldn't see Eijiro's face since he was in front of me and he hadn't said a word. Did he like it? Did he hate it? Was it too cheesy for him? He turned around and bent down, giving me a tight hug.

He had his head in my neck so I could feel his cheeks were a bit wet so I moved his face to get a better look at him. He had some tears streaming down his face, "Eiji why are you crying.." I asked with a worried tone he looked at me and gave my forehead a wet kiss "because my pebble is so sweet to me" we both smiled and embraced each other for a little longer before I realized kirishima was still wet I told him to undress and get in the tub he did as told and got in.

We havent seen eachother in a while so when he was fully exposed getting in the tub it made my heart skip a beat I was always nervous about stuff like that even if we've been together for so long but Eijiro on the other hand didn't seem to mind he would always laugh every time I tried to turn around to not look at him my face would be as he called it “red as a tomato”.

He got in he looked so relaxed and at ease I always loved his hair down it's so cute, I picked up his soggy hero suit and put it in the wash when I came back to the bathroom Eijiro looked like he'd had fallen asleep in the tub I giggled a little and one of his eyes opened looking at me then his red eyes looked me up and down. “Aren't you gonna come join me pebble?” I leaned on the side of the wall looking at him and crossed my arms. “This is for you Eiji not me, I'll still keep you company if you would like?” He looked at me and then turned his head back to his resting position.

He closed his eyes and patted the side of the tub motioning for me to sit next to him. I made my way over to him rubbing the top of his head, "can you have your back toward me eiji i want to wash you up" he looked at me in awe and smiled "okay love" he turned and I grabbed the wash cloth wetting it and adding soap to it making it soapy I scrubbed him knowing he might fall asleep in my lap with how much he relaxed into my touch.

I loved every second of it. It was such a passionate sensual moment I think we both needed this. Once I was done washing him all up and I let him rest a little while longer I knew the bath was starting to get cold so I grabbed a dark red towel that I had warmed up in the dryer beforehand. “Eiji.. wake up eiji” his eyes slowly opened. He shivered a little and looked at me with so much love behind his eyes. “Time to get out eiji the water is getting cold”

He stood up without warning me, I was close to him and just looked up at him. I didn't have enough time to react so I stood up very quickly as well nervously looking at him. He laughed, I handed him the towel looking away. "You're so cute when you act like this is your first time seeing me pebble" he wrapped the towel around his waist stepping out of the tub. I nervously laughed leaning down to drain the tub when I felt a presence behind me. "Eiji what are you doin-" My sentence was cut off when two big pairs of hands turned my body around and lifted me up, my legs were wrapped around his waist, the towel hanging on by a thread and my eyes met with his ruby red ones. My face was probably so red as he carried me to our shared bedroom.

He gently put me down on our bed and walked over to our closet, I crossed my legs watching him. He dropped the towel and I turned around with my face in my hands. I heard shuffling behind me and then footsteps coming toward me, “you can turn around now pebble”. I turned to meet kirishima face to face. He grabbed my face softly and kissed me on the lips. I smiled through the kiss because of the cute gesture. We were like that for what felt like a long time but I didn't mind after we were done sharing the little cute moment he asked me “do you want to watch a movie pebble before bed?” I looked at him grinning he knows I love watching movies with him so he said okay and chuckled I ran to the living room and kitchen to turn off the tv and lights I had left on distracted by Eijiro coming home, then I ran back to the room I walked in on Eijiro fixing the bed the tv was on and the lights were off but the red L.E.D lights shining through the back of the tv made a dimly lit up room.

I smiled so happily to be able to have him safe and home. He got in the bed and saw me standing there. I saw his toothy smile and then saw his hand. He patted the bed and moved the fluffy blankets and huge stuffed bear he got me when he had to leave one time it smelled just like him and was in a shark onesie pajama. I loved that bear so much. It was the best gift he's ever gotten me. I got in bed and scooted next to his side. He was so warm and smelled like vanilla and coconuts. He wrapped his arm around me bringing me closer if that was even possible.

He picked a sad romance movie. This was my favorite movie. I had it on replay all the time. It was called the fault in our stars. He knew I loved it but he also knew when it's really late at night that I would always fall asleep so fast when i'm in his arms and this movie was playing. I lifted my body up to give him a goodnight kiss and we exchanged “sweet dreams eiji”, “sweet dreams my pretty girl, thank you for the bath it helped and meant so much to me” he said, kissing my cheek I smiled and cuddled into him some more.

“I love you Eijiro”.

“I love you more Asami”.

and as he already knew I had drifted off to sleep not even ten minutes into the movie.

The End~

#bhna #eijiro kirishima mha #missing someone #newbie #new writers on tumblr #new story #first post #im tryin my best #writing #short story #fanfic #rainy evening #romance #oc stuff #my ocs #fluff #mha kirishima #kiri #bnha kirishima

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chelleztjs18 · 2 years ago

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Hello you mrs. honey nut cheerio lefty eyebag 😌

I have been sleeping early than usual actually. I think I am just ready for the last few days to past but it feels like the week is dragging lol

Oh wow that is pretty late. I'm surprised that Emily had energy to open presents and play at that time hahaha I would have been telling her to go sleep or santa will take the presents back lol just kidding I wouldn't do that to a 2 year old.

By the way, has it snowed there yet?

That's exciting! Are you guys going to just drive to Texas or fly again?

I tried moscow mule once.. was not a big fan of it 😅 I think I only really ordered it for the little mug hahahaha 😆

Same, I think most places that I've been to that served tiramisu only uses sponge cake. Yeah, I'm planning on making that mango dessert again but with less condensed milk. I am already too sweet. Hahahaha just kidding 😂

CA does have a lot of filipino places 😭 my uncle lives there and I want to visit him next year so that he can take me to all the restaurants that have good filipino chefs. Here there's only one place I know that was open a few years ago, but I don't know if they still are after the whole covid thing 🥲 there is a lady that I found on Facebook that caters and does pick up orders for filipino food though. I ordered her food once and it was decent.

Do you guys have Indonesian snacks that you'd recommend? Since I can't find any Indonesian restaurants here, I may be able to get snacks at the small oriental store we have in Omaha.

Hm that's interesting 🤔 all your movie choices have barely any dramatic scenes. Have you always been like that, not wanting to cry because you think it shows weakness? (Sorry if that came out bad and rude, I don't mean to be rude)

I have to think about mine too because I am drawing blank for 3 movies. I can only think of one that always make me cry and that's the Phantom of the Opera - the part where they sing all I ask of you and then the ending part around where Christine kisses the phantom.

Next, name 3 movies that you could watch on repeat and never get tired of.

By the way, I made a separate account and started writing! Well I don't know if you'd consider it writing, but I posted mostly conversation stuff between r and characters (mainly Wanda).

-CuriousGeorge

Hello hello corn-punn!

How r u today? Aw thats no fun u sleep earlier than usual.. just kidding.

Why u cant wait for the days to past? R u that ready for new year? 😆😁 whats ur plan for new year?

Haha yeah, i let her play but then she followed whn i said it's time to bed..thank god..hahahha.

No, it hasnt been snow or anything here..im so upset right now..🙄 it's not even that cold here.. only 66.

We r driving to t3xas.. it's only 3.5 hours.

Haha i love moscow mule. It's one of my favorite cocktails. I have a set of the copper mugs n the shakers. My husband gave me. Lol. I guess i love moscow mule that much that he gave them to me.lol. my most favorite drink is apple martini and a cocktail named buttery nipple 😅 (it's baileys and butterschotch schnaps).

Haha i used to joke like that about me being too sweet already n thats why i dont need any more sugar on anything 🤣

But i agree with u, u r a sweet person so dont put too much condensed milk,okay?

Hmm right now i cant think of any snacks.. i like Beng Beng it's like snickers but more chocolaty n less caramel. I like the superman wafers.hahah. there is this sweet tea it's called teh botol but it's in a box 😅 it's my favorite. It's very famous there.

Ah i see. Yeah sometimes facebook have some information of our country food..sometimes it can be pricey though. U can google indonesian food n if u have any questiom about it, u can ask me.

Yeah,i'm always like that. I guess it's because i try to look strong in front of my sister. U know, to be a good example for her.

My sister is more expressive than i am. I would try n pretend to be strong until i break down n even that i usually choose to be alone when i have a break down. 😅

So it will hurt my pride too if i cry just because of movies.

I love phantom of the opera.. n that All I Ask Of You is one of my favorite song from that show.

3 movies i never get tired to watch..well,since im in the mood of rebel so i will give u more than 3. 😅😆

1. The Proposal

2. White Chick

3. Any modern family episodes

4. Devils Wear Prada

5. Age Of Ultron

6. Greta

7. 13 Going 30

8. How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days

9. Hot Chicks

How bout u?

Next questions

Cheerio!

#chellez answers #ask answered #anon answered #curious george anon

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transylvanilla · 1 year ago

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Oh god.. Where do I begin? Their google doc was upsetting to read for so many reasons. I've never heard of this person in my life but I do want to share some of my thoughts on all of this. Its 4 am and I cant sleep so sorry if this isnt going to make sense, I'm pretty tired. I should also say I didnt read the entire thing because once I got to "Holly's Callout" I was feeling a bit overwhelmed decided to pick up from where I left off later.

I wouldn't wish what Ang has gone through upon my greatest enemy. Nobody deserves what has happened to them. Imo this is one of those situations where when someone thinks someone else is totally vile and morally bankrupt, any harm done unto them is justified, and thats just not true. People forget (either deliberately or subconciously) that the person they are targeting is a human being, and when someone like Ang is in such a vunerable position nothing justifies destroying their only means of survival. People die without a support system. I can't say I've never wished harm upon a person who I think is cruel but death is so fucking final, its not fair, its not the only way these people could've handled the situation.

Both Ang and the people who hurt them used a lot of fallacies that either didn't make sense to me or didn't justify why they did/said/felt what they did and etc. It would take me too long to write all of the annotations I was making in my head, but tldr it was very clear to me (and tbh it doesnt even have to be said) that jera, taylor, holly, etc have problems. Their behavior was so consistently weird and inappropriate and their reasoning would convenientely change or become contradictory, not to mention how obsessed they all were. I have bpd so I honestly *understand* why they did what they did, but ofc I dont *agree* with it. Bpd = emotions are felt more intensely than non-bpd ppl, which leads to really intense reactions like taylor's and jera's and etc. Idolizing is also a common bpd thing, and lovebombing + "splitting" (rapid, extreme change in how a person or situation is perceived). I see people without bpd diagnoses behave this way to varying degrees of intensity, so im not saying all of them have bpd btw. Im just saying they shouldn't have done what they did, they had no good reason to, and therefore they need help.

Ang isn't without vice either, and it bothers me a lot that Ang never (unless I accidentally overlooked) owned up to their many many mistakes. Most of which were just poor judgement imo, but also I really can't agree that the art they made doesn't, by nature, hurt any identifiable victim. Kids will always be harmed by porn drawn of underage muses/pairings/sources. There's no debate. There's no reason to create media like that even if its just intended for an 18+ audience. Not even to cope with trauma, in any deeply personal way. There's better ways to cope. Fiction will and always has influenced the real world. No child will ever be safe in a world where its normal to see a kid/adult pairing in nsfw art, cartoon or otherwise.

This doesn't mean Ang should die. I don't think Ang intends to harm kids with their art, but *it really should've been obvious that thats exactly what they were doing/enabling* and thats unfortunately exactly what makes Ang a dangerous person. People should be allowed to block them on ALL of their accounts, and people should be allowed to warn other anti-proshippers of proshipper accs, but thats IT. Everything else that happened went too far.

What I hope for them (and I know if Ang somehow sees this they will compare my attitude to an "anti-gay fundamentalist Christian's 'I wish I could save you'" attitude) is that they'll realize their art is unacceptable and grow. They will have to show everyone they've grown in order to recieve the life-saving support they need. They have to ask themselves, "Whats more important; drawing shotacon or surviving and potentionally rebuilding my reputation?"

They've tried "rebuilding" their reputation by deleting and remaking accs without actually fixing what led to the majority of their notoriety in the first place, which is their status as a known proshipper. They desperately need to re-evaluate their own priorities because thats honestly going to be the quickest solution, vs asking the aggressive stalkers to *not only* chill out but to set aside their desire to see a another proshipper executed, convinced its justice.

However I think their social isolation isn't 100% their ex-friends fault because people also just very passionately hate proshippers/the type of content Ang creates. Backlash is to be expected when you create content like theirs. Their ex-friends don't deserve all the credit. Ang unfortunately associated themself with some terrible people but from the way I see it, the art Ang continued to make was the catalyst. Ang's art fed fuel to the flames. Maybe 55-75% of this drama could've been avoided if Ang made the smartest choice which was to take any opportunity to do real damage control which would've had to include simply not drawing that type of art anymore.

Theres definitely a lot more I could say but I need to sleep.

Alright, I'm gonna be louder about it now because the situation is dire. Ang/Vee (@/Atherist on Twitter) is in a terrible position, and they will die if nothing improves. They're in full survival mode, and that's not enough anymore. They NEED help. They need more money than I will ever have at once.

I don't know if they would want me giving details since they have locked their Twitter where they've posted about it, and I don't have enough of a reach to make any difference, so I'm going to look for people that do.

This is their Kofi. (https://ko-fi.com/handsomehugs)

They also have a subscription service (SubscribeStar seems to be preferred due to PayPal's... thing) where you can even unlock some content for your money.

https://subscribestar.adult/atherist

https://www.fanbox.cc/@atherist

But again, we need a wave of money, tens of thousands, just so they might live.

If anyone wonders why I would fixate on this one person even though lots of other people are struggling too, I'll be transparent and say, because it's not fair.

Everything that's happening to them is the long-term result of vicious abuse that ruined their career. It was intentional.

Horrible, vindictive, monstrous people DID THIS TO THEM. They did it out of spite, because they could, because they wanted a scapegoat for their own shitty friend drama, whatever. They lied and slandered them and stalked them and caused them IMMENSE trauma, and that. is not. FAIR.

If Ang dies, it will be THOSE people's faults. I don't care how long ago it was. They intended to, and succeeded in, taking away all the income and support they had, and PEOPLE NEED THOSE THINGS TO LIVE.

I will consider them murderers if Ang dies. And this outcome isn't fair.

Buhh buhh "life isn't fair", I know.

But I'm just doing what I can. It's all I can do. There's someone in front of me being killed and I can't just sit there and wait for it. Even if I fail to make a difference.

So I bring this attempt to paint a picture of WHY I care. Why I'm doing this.

I hate injustice. It tears me to shreds more than anything else on this earth. And if I can help, I WILL. I want to.

If Ang sees this: I promise I won't put myself in any financial trouble over this. I have a partner who wouldn't let that happen, and my bills are always paid. But I'm going to do everything I CAN. Because I want to. Because it's right. It's not a burden. You deserve better.

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lcahwriter · 2 years ago

Text

In Secret

Pairing: Jake “Hangman” Seresin x Bradley “Rooster” Bradshaw (Hangster)

Word count: 3.5k

TW: Internalized homophobia, attempted SA, Bradley punches people

Summary:

Jakes in denial about who he is.

Bradleys out and proud.

What happens when Jake sneaks out to a gay club and calls Bradley for a hookup?

Spoiler Alert: They dont hook up and Bradley punches people instead.

*****

Authors note: Yes this is a Hangster fic and if you’re not into that then that’s okay💗

Jake was gay, but he tried not to be.

He brought so many women home in hopes he would find the one that turned him. But he would take them to bed and he couldn’t finish. He always made up an excuse.

Whiskey dick. Too tired. Too drunk. Feel sick.

Some girls figured it out. They would say “it’s okay – you should accept yourself.”

But Jake refused to believe that he couldn’t change. After all his pastor had told him that he just needed to find the right woman. That eventually, his desire for men would fade.

His father had beat him blue until Jake promised he would never give into his sinful temptations. Because being gay was a sure ticket to hell.

Deep down Jake knew he was doomed.

Jake gave into the temptations when he couldn’t stand it any longer. And when the deed was done, he would be left alone to feel the shame.

The worst part was Jake didn’t just crave sex with men. He craved love – he craved domesticity.

And that’s where Bradley Bradshaw fucked with Jake’s head.

Because when Jake looked at Bradley, he imagined them both standing at the altar. He would see Bradley carrying him over the threshold of their first home. He even thought about little brown-haired kids running around both their feet.

He saw himself growing old with him.

And Jakes thoughts were completely unfounded.

He had tried to shake the crush – even though he fucking knew it was more than that.

But truthfully, he was letting himself drown in him, because Bradley would never return that same love.

Bradley saw him as a comrade -a friend.

And that was okay with Jake, because he could keep his walls up high away from temptation.

Even though now, his heart felt like it might physically break.

Bradley was sitting at the piano bench in the crowded bar, a beer bottle pressed to his lips. His skin was flushed from the singing. And his lips were a beautiful pink.

He was so happy. And Jake wanted to hate him for it. He wanted to hate him for being everything he couldn’t be.

Bradley was gay and proud. He owned it – and he was loved by everyone. Jake didn’t have that same privilege.

But he loved Bradley too much to hate him.

Jake couldn’t stand sitting back and watching anymore. He was going to give into his temptations tonight. And even with the shame in the morning nothing would be worse than watching the man he loved be happy without him.

“You heading out?”

Jake looked up to see Javy, standing next to him at the bar. Jake sighed and set down his beer, a fake smile plastered across his face.

“Yup, time for me to get my beauty sleep.” Jake slapped Javy on the back playfully before standing up and swiftly walking towards the exit.

He couldn’t help but glance at Bradley as he headed out the door. Bradley didn’t notice him at all – he was too caught up in the crowd he’d gathered around him.

Jake bit his cheek hard enough to draw blood and trudged out of the bar.

Did anyone even notice him leave?

He tried not to dwell on the ache in his chest. Instead, Jake headed to the place he always went when he was looking to fulfill his temptations.

Jake felt better as soon as he stepped into the packed club. The smell of cigarette smoke and alcohol was somehow comforting. The aroma wrapped around him, hugging him and pulling him in.

He B-lined towards the bar, shoving through sweaty bodies on the way. He needed to drink so he could drown out the mix of his father’s thoughts and his own.

You’re sinning.

You’re giving into temptation.

You’re dirty.

This wasn’t just any club – it was a gay club. There were drag queens milling around after their performance, and bartenders in thongs. Jakes dad would probably shoot him if he saw him here.

But his dad was back in Texas- and Jake was in heaven.

Because here no one knew him. And no one knew he was in the closet – or in denial. He was just a guy, looking to forget reality.

Jake checked his watch – 10:45pm.

He took two shots of tequila and made his way to the dancefloor. He would drink until he couldn’t feel anything, and then he would find a man who would fuck him and leave him.

And then he would go to work on Monday like nothing happened.

***** **** ****** ***** ****

Jake was drunk. Like, really drunk.

The club’s music had been playing loudly for so long that his hearing was muffled. His eyesight wasn’t spinning yet – but a few more drinks and he’d be on his way to blacking out.

Jake should have found a guy to take him home by now. But no one seemed to be good enough.

The other men in the club didn’t have pretty eyes like Bradley. Or pretty hair like Bradley. Or a pretty face like Bradley.

Jake thought maybe he should just call Bradley.

It was a horrible idea, but Jake was too drunk to think about the consequences.

Maybe Bradley would hook up with him. Maybe Jake could get over him if he just got fucked by the guy.

Jake could lie the next morning and say he was just experimenting – that he wasn’t gay.

The temptation was too strong. The alcohol in his veins sent him over the edge.

He was calling Bradley, head spinning. The phone rang, and Jake stumbled towards the corner of the club where he could hear better.

“Jake?” Bradley sounded tired, but oh so fucking cute. Jake thought he might die.

“Heyyyyyyyyy Roos!” Jake slurred. He didn’t even mean to slur his words- but his brain wasn’t working as fast as he needed it to.

“Where are you?” Bradley questioned.

Jake thought he sounded more awake this time. Which was good, because if Bradley wanted to fuck him tonight, he needed a ride.

“Urban Mo’s” The words rolled off his tongue and he giggled. He was beginning to feel how drunk he was now that he was trying to talk.

“The gay club?” Bradley’s voice was confused. And Jake’s stomach dropped. Maybe Bradley would be upset with him maybe-

“Are you there alone?” Bradley was making noises that Jake could only assume was the clattering of car keys and doors opening.

Jake realized he was just listening to Bradley’s words and not responding. He wanted to speak, but he was more focused on staying on his feet.

“I’m going to come get you.” Bradley’s voice was determined, and Jake thought maybe that was a good sign.

“Drunker than I thought.” Jake pushed out as he leaned against the wall. The lights were flashing, and he tried to close his eyes. But the second he did he found himself teetering over.

“Can you make it to the bathroom and wait for me there?” Bradley’s voice was worried now. And Jakes eyebrows ruffled in confusion.

Why would he be worried about him? Jake wanted Bradley to take him home and fuck him so he could feel something.

Had he not told Bradley that yet? He couldn’t remember.

“You want to have sex in the bathrooms?” Jake’s words were slurred still, and he was sure he sounded confused.

Maybe Bradley didn’t want him to see his house. Keep it as un-personal as possible.

“What?” Bradley choked out a laugh and Jake frowned. “No jackass. I want you to wait there and lock the door. You’re too drunk and it’s not safe to be alone like that.”

Jake stood there trying to pull together his brain enough to think of what to do. Everything was spinning.

“Jake are you with me?” Bradley’s voice rang through his ears again. Jake nodded and looked towards the bathrooms.

“I’ll go in there and wait for you.” Jake groaned as he took a step forward, wobbling as he did. He was starting to realize he drank one too many. He didn’t want to throw up all over someone’s bed sheets tonight.

Bradley was talking to Jake still, but everything was starting to fade out. Jake knew he had made it to the bathroom door, but there were two people there.

They were talking to him and smiling, and so Jake smiled too. He was sure he looked lost, because truthfully, he’d never been so fucked up. How many had he had to drink?

He told the guys he was going to wait for a friend in the bathroom, and they said they would wait with him. And Jake told them his friend said to lock the door and be there alone.

Bradley was yelling at him through the phone, but none of his words made sense.

Jake was too drunk to push the guy away when he shoved him into the small bathroom. The other guy stayed on the other side of the door. And Jake wondered why this stranger would want to wait for Bradley with him.

But then the tall man grabbed Jake by his shirt and pressed him against the wall.

Jake’s phone dropped.

“I’m sorry bathroom sex isn’t my thing.” Jake tried to smile through the panic he felt. He swore he was trying to get away from the man, but his twisting against the man’s grip was doing nothing.

“Just stay still sweet thing.” The man was close to Jakes ear now. Jake quivered in disgust.

“Get off of me.” Jake demanded in a drunken haze.

“No.”

**** ***** **** ****

Bradley was going to lose his fucking mind.

He was thirty seconds from the club, his phone clutched in his hand. The last thing he heard was men talking to Jake. And they weren’t just talking to him – they were fucking preying on him.

Bradley had screamed at Jake to run from them- but Jake didn’t respond.

And now Bradley was pushing 60mph on the side streets.

He didn’t expect Jake to be at a gay club – let alone call him of all people to pick him up.

And Jake had even mentioned having sex with him?

Bradley wasn’t sure what the fuck that meant, because as far as Bradley knew Jake was as straight as a nail.

If Jake was gay – well Bradley would have a hard time staying away from him.

But now, none of that mattered because all Bradley could think about was getting to the damn club.

His Bronco screeched up to the club’s curb. He shut off the engine and hopped out. He cut the line and shouted at the bouncer that he was here to get a friend.

The bouncer wasn’t pleased – but Bradley figured he must have looked panicked enough that the guy had sympathy for him.

Bradley shoved through the dancing swarms of people, ignoring the angry shouts from the moving bodies on the way.

He could see the bathroom door, but no sign of Jake. Oh God.

There was a middle-aged man standing in front of the door, his arms crossed. The man stood up taller when Bradley approached him.

“My friend is in there.” Bradley’s veins were full of adrenaline. His chest was moving up and down quickly from the short sprint. “Let me through.”

Bradley’s fists were clenched at his sides.

“Can’t do that sorry, my friends in there too.” The man gave him a smug smile. Bradley almost punched him right then. Bradley stepped inches away from the mans face. Bradley looked down at him.

“If you don’t let me through right now, I will fucking knock your ass out and I won’t stop until there’s teeth missing from your fucking skull.” Bradley was angry now, because Jake was in there with some stranger- and Bradley didn’t have time to waste.

The guy smiled and kept his arms crossed. No sign of moving out of the way.

That’s all Bradley needed before he launched himself at the man, grabbing him by the shirt and twisting him around. He slammed the man as hard as he could into the wall opposite of the door.

The man went to swing at Bradley, but Bradley had been expecting that. He dodged the blow and instead kneed the man as hard as he could in the gut and cracked the man’s nose with his fist.

Bradley didn’t wait to see if the man would recover, because all he cared about was getting through the fucking bathroom door.

He tried to turn the knob. Locked.

Bradley didn’t hesitate to wind his leg back and kick the door open. He had enough military training to do this with his fucking eyes closed.

The door swung open, and Bradley wanted to scream when he saw Jake.

A tall man had his hands up Jakes shirt whilst he had Jake backed into the wall. Jake was trying to get away from the man’s grasp, but he was too drunk to slip away. Bradley’s felt the hot anger wash over him.

“Son of a bitch!” Bradley growled, charging towards the bastard and yanking him off Jake. The man was surprised at Bradley’s attack and stumbled backwards to the floor.

Bradley stood over the man, nothing but rage coursing through him. He wanted to kill him, he wanted to make him suffer.

“Your little bitch walked up to us!” The man defended; his hands held at his sides. Bradley’s jaw clenched and he kicked the man in the side.

“He was trying to go to the bathroom you fucking piece of shit!” Bradley was getting angrier. He leaned over the man and punched him in the mouth, satisfied with the blood spurting from it.

“Bradley!” Jake’s panicked voice rang through his ears. Bradley whipped his head towards Jake, who was backing away from the man who was at the door before. The bloodied stranger had an evil smile on his face.

Bradley had never moved so fast. Because he would rather fucking die than see that man touch Jake.

Bradley pulled the man back and kicked him in the knee. He groaned and stumbled backwards, joining his friend on the ground.

Bradley stood in front of Jake, shielding him from the strangers who were leering at him. Bradley could feel Jake shaking. His heart clenched.

“Get out of here before I decide I want to kill you.” Bradley gritted out. He was sure he looked crazed. His nostrils were flaring and there was blood splattered on his shirt.

“Damn his ass must really be tight if you’re willing to kill for him.” The bigger man grinned at Bradley; his teeth were stained with his own blood.

God dammit Bradley wanted to punch his face in for speaking such vile things about someone he cared for.

Jake stiffened behind him, and Bradley instinctively backed into him further. His back was pressed against Jake’s heaving chest.

“Out now. Final warning.” Part of him wanted them to try him again, because these motherfuckers deserved to hurt. Buthe wanted to get Jake out of this god forsaken bathroom more.

“Let’s go.” The smaller man said, getting up slowly and pulling his friend with him. They both looked fucking awful, and Bradley was proud of that.

The men slammed the door behind them, but it just swung back open from the massive hole Bradley had kicked in.

“Jake- fuck.” Bradley was turned towards him, looking over his body frantically. He spotted bruises on Jakes neck and arms, and a red mark across his cheek. It made Bradley nauseous.

Jake’s eyes were wide and glazed over, and tears were still welled in them. He looked up at Bradley and nodded slowly.

“I’m- I- I tried to get him off.” Jake’s words were still slurred, and Bradley was regretting letting the men go with their dicks still attached to them.

“I know.” Bradley assured him- and it didn’t take any prompting before the 6ft blonde caved into Bradley’s arms. Bradley immediately wrapped himself around Jake, supporting his drunk body as he trembled.

It was sobering to see Jake like this- so venerable and scared. Normally Jake was cracking jokes or always saying something sarcastic. But now, he was fully relying on Bradley to keep him afloat.

“Let’s get you home.” Bradley’s hand rubbed up and down Jakes back. Jake was shaking his head.

“I don’t want to have sex anymore, I’m sorry.” He croaked. And Bradley thought he might die because Jake sounded so sad.

“No sex Jake, just going to get you out of here okay?” Bradley promised, because he would never fucking have sex with Jake in the state he was in.

And he didn’t know Jake was gay to begin with- if he even was? Bradley had so many questions but now wasn’t the time to find answers.

Jake nodded and pulled away from Bradley’s chest. His normally cheerful eyes were puffy and red. Bradley winced at the bruise forming on the side of the blonde’s face.

“Can you walk?” Bradley asked softly. His arms were still wrapped around Jake’s waist carefully. Jake gave him a small smile and nodded.

“Yesss sir.” He joked. And Bradley tried to laugh but he knew Jake was drunk, and he was trying to be funny instead of somber.

Bradley let go of Jake and he immediately stumbled forward, causing Bradley to move quickly in front of him. Jake murmured a “sorry” into Bradley’s shoulder.

“It’s alright, I’ll help you walk yeah?” Bradley wrapped his right arm around Jake’s waist, while Jake’s body leaned on him for support. Bradley wanted to just pick him up and run him out of the damn place, but he knew Jake would hate the lack of control.

“Alright, my cars just outside.”

Bradley clutched Jake to his side, using his free arm to shove everyone out of their way. They milled through the crowds of dancing people, headed straight towards the exit. Jake had turned his head into Bradley’s shoulder and shut his eyes, gripping onto his shirt tightly.

Bradley’s worry grew for the man, and he started to walk faster, until they finally busted through the exit.

The cold night air was refreshing compared to the musty cigarette smoke filled club. Jake visibly relaxed, but still held tight to Bradley.

Bradley led him to his Bronco and opened the passenger side door. Jake looked up at him with wide eyes.

“I’ll help you in.” Bradley suggested when the blonde grew all too quiet. Jake nodded and haphazardly lifted one leg into the vehicle. His drunk body teetered backwards but Bradley grabbed his upper thighs and lifted him into the seat.

Jake slouched in the seat, seemingly relieved that he made it up into the car in one piece.

Bradley thought he looked fucking stunning sitting in his Bronco. He’d thought of Jake being with him so often – but it was just a pipe- dream. Bradley wasn’t one to fall for straight guys. He preferred someone who would actually want him back.

Bradley shut the door and jogged around to the driver’s seat.

“Seatbelt.” Bradley warned, looking over at Jake who was staring up at the night sky. Jake looked over at Bradley and pouted, deflating his shoulders.

Bradley smiled softly and reached over Jake to grab the seatbelt and pull it over Jakes chest. His hands were dangerously close to Jakes thighs as he struggled to buckle the seatbelt in. Jake let out a soft sigh and leaned back in his seat.

“Head hurts.” He whined softly. Bradley finally got the seatbelt to click and scrambled away from Jake before any more sinful thoughts could cross his mind.

“Did you hit it?” Bradley questioned, while starting the engine up. Jake shrugged his shoulders and rubbed his hands over his eyes.

“Maybe.”

Bradley ignored the throbbing of his knuckles as he grasped the steering wheel. His right hand was slowly dripping blood, but he quickly wiped the red liquid on his jeans.

He started driving back towards his apartment, trying his best to not hit any bumps on the way. Jake was practically dead weight, his drunken body swaying back and forth.

“I’m going to take you to my place. You can stay the night and sober up, okay?” Bradley bit his cheek nervously, glancing over at Jake.

His tanned skin glowed with the passing streetlights, and his eyelashes fluttered. Bradley had never been this close to him- for so long.

“Please – please don’t tell anyone about this.” Jake’s voice was quiet. His words were still drawn out and slow, but he was being genuine. Bradley’s heart ached.

“I won’t, I promise.” Bradley vowed.

Bradley wanted to tell him a million other things.

“I’ll take care of you.”

“I’m not going to let anyone hurt you again.”

“It’s okay if you’re gay, you don’t have to hide who you are.”

“I’ll make sure everyone treats you the same.”

But he bit his tongue and gripped the steering wheel tightly. He would talk to Jake in the morning about what happened.

But for now, he would get Jake to his bed, maybe get him to shower if he can sober him up enough. Bradley would sleep on the couch- maybe the floor.

He felt a protectiveness over the blonde that he couldn’t explain. He looked over again at Jake, who had folded in his arms to his chest. His eyes were shut, and he was leaned to the side.

Good, he needed the rest.

Bradley would brew him a cup of coffee and make him some toast. Jake would be alright.

#Hangster #bradley rooster bradshaw #jake hangman seresin #sereshaw #top gun maverick #gay top gun #hangman x rooster

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twodimecastle · 3 years ago

Text

fifty bucks & six months.

spencer reid x gender neutral reader new relationship, secret keeping nonsense, 4.5k words, ao3 a/n; turns out i love writing texting fic but tumblr destroys the formatting rip

zero months.

You smile conspiratorially, extending a pinkie towards Spencer and he gives you a skeptical look.

“You know the odds of being found out immediately are-” he starts, but you cut him off.

“Astronomical, I know. I know. But don’t you think it’ll be fun to see how long we can push it?” you wheedle, not caring that your voice sounds more like begging than is strictly dignified because seeing the way Spencer’s nose crinkles in amusement at your heavy handed persuasion is too adorable to pass up. You scoot closer on the couch, tapping the end of his nose with your pinkie finger, letting him catch your hand between his as you continue “I think we’ve got a good shot at hiding it for a little while. It would be like a game.”

Spencer draws your captive hand to his lips, brushing them across your knuckles and watching fondly as you forge ahead in your campaign to persuade him, enjoying the show and the attention too much to tell you he’s already on board. Your eyes are shining with the prospect of the caper, and you’ve made no move to take your hand back from him, and Spencer’s pretty sure he’d be more than happy to sit with you in this moment forever. “I mean-” you go on, gesturing animatedly with your free hand, “you’re like-a really good liar when you want to be. And everyone else always forgets how good you are at it.”

He snorts at that and the sound makes you light up, eyes tracking the arch of his brows, the warmth in his soft brown eyes, memorising the way he looks like this; utterly unbothered, completely at ease. It might be your favourite version of him, but that race has always been a tight one with no clear winner in sight. You have lots of favourite versions of Spencer. Twisting your hand in his, you tangle your fingers together, savouring the way you feel his thumb glide delicately along your skin and the unhidden joy in his face at the simple show of affection.

Time to play your trump card.

“$50 says we can hide it from the whole group for at least six months. If everyone figures it out before then, you win. But if not everyone has worked it out by then, I win.”

The mischievous shine in your eyes is irresistible, and Spencer smiles, disentangling one of his hands from yours to extend his own pinky finger.

“You’re on.”

The words barely make it out of his mouth before you’re colliding with him, pressing your lips to his.

two months.

“So, how long has this whole thing been going on?” Derek’s question catches Spencer off guard, and, based on the way he can see you freeze in his peripheral vision, takes you by surprise as well. Sliding into the driver's seat of the SUV, Derek continues “I hope you didn’t think you were gonna be able to keep me in the dark for long, pretty boy. You should know better than that.”

Following mechanically after him, Spencer takes the passenger seat, trying to frame his next statement as carefully as possible as he hears your door close and the car start. “We were-going to tell you guys-” he begins uncomfortably, glancing back to you for support, but you look just as on edge as he feels. “We were just gonna-keep it to ourselves for a while-before telling Hotch and everything-” he tries again, the mounting tension levering his shoulders higher and higher with every passing moment, but then Derek just laughs, shaking his head.

“Hey, I’m happy for you, kid. For both of you.” He spares a look at you in the back seat through the rear view mirror, and you can feel the tension in your jaw relax, the furrows in your brow straightening out at the note of approval in Derek’s voice. “I’m glad you two finally figured it out,” he says, fondly, and you laugh.

“I bet Spence we could keep it from you guys at least six months,” you explain, reaching forwards through the centre console to link your pinky with Spencer’s, and the touch of your hand releases the last of the tension he had been harbouring as he covers your hand with the other one of his own. He knows Derek clocks the motion, filing it away in his mind somewhere, but he doesn’t care about the scrutiny so much right now. Not when your hand is so warm and comfortable in his.

Derek reaches for the dial on the radio and flicks through the channel, thinking about something, and as you watch, a slow mischievous smirk spreads across his face a moment later before he glances first at Spencer and then at you.

“I’ll tell you what,” he says to you, and Spencer can feel a familiar grin tugging at his own lips as he watches a plan take shape in his friend’s eyes. “I’m happy to sit on this information for a while for a cut of the winnings from whichever one of you comes out on top.” He snorts good naturedly as he continues “I have my own bet to win with Prentiss, so if you two help me win that one, I’ll cut you in too.”

“A quid pro quo of sorts,” Spencer says slowly, and he feels your fingers tighten around his, as you snort softly, and he knows instinctually you’re grinning the same way you always do when you’re winning a game. “I think we can do that.”

Derek grins, turning the music up as he nods, eyes on the road. “Then you two love birds have got yourselves a deal.”

two months and two weeks.

PG: youre not as slick as you think you are ;)

YN: ???

PG: ;))))))))) you should invest in some concealer for your work bag sweetness or tell the good doctor to pay more attention to whats visible in your work clothes

YN: oh my fucking god wait how do you even know thats how that happened

PG: im all knowing and all seeing im like the omnipotent goddess of the fbi

YN: derek blabbed

PG: he sang like a canary but also im an omnipotent goddess im also totally clued in on the whole bet situation with em so for the low low price of every single juicy detail about how this adorableness went down you can buy my silence :)

YN: im getting derek decaf coffee on all coffee runs from now on >:( traitors dont get caffeine

PG: darling sweet angel i need deets all of them like immediately

YN: >:( fine ok so. after that case down in georgia a few months ago? the weird one? with the creepy mother son thing?

PG: omg yuck pls dont remind me im here for the CUTENESS not the MURDER

YN: sorryyyyyyy anyway so spence was like being super weird about it all on the plane and whatever but he was doing that super annoying thing where he ignores it and says hes fine so everyone leaves him alone

PG: YEAH why does everyone here do that ALL THE TIME its SO annoyingggg

YN: ikr its insufferable and like super not subtle ANYWAY. spence was being weird and whatever and i just. refused to let him sulk on his own or whatever like i could tell there was something bothering him and so after work i insisted that we were gonna get like shitty diner food or whatever and watch a movie and he knows better than to say no to me

PG: smart boy

YN: so we got fries and milkshakes and then went back to his place to watch a movie and he was still like weird and silent and like brooding yknow? but whatever just figured hed talk about it when he was ready so i put on a movie and offered to make popcorn and then he was just staring at me and he looked so SAD and TIRED and i thought id done something wrong like the poor guy looked like he was gonna cry and i was panicking over fucking popcorn and then he says ‘why are you always so nice to me?’

PG: oh my god hes like if a sad victorian orphan was actually a triplicate phd holder

YN: i was SO thrown off i was like spencer. spencer were best friends. ive been forcing you to hang out with me for years now why do you THINK im being nice to you its bc i care about you asshole and then. like after another million years after letting me sweat it out over whether hes about to cry for like fucking years the asshole grabs my hand and says. i shit you not. ‘you know im in love with you, right?’ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PG: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YN: anyway hes my boyfriend now :’) dont tell anyone tho gotta win the bet

four months.

Lingering by the elevator, you glance around at the uncharacteristically silent office building, waiting for Spencer to leave the bullpen. The sound of his footfalls drawing nearer makes you smile and you mentally applaud yourself for suggesting the two of you remained behind after disembarking from the plane, taking advantage of the manufactured privacy to take the same car home, back to his apartment.

When he sees you waiting for him, he can’t help the soft fond smile that tugs at his face, as he reaches for your hand, sliding his fingers into yours with a gentle squeeze, the quiet of the building allowing him to indulge in the show of affection. You return the squeeze, leaning your head on his shoulder with a yawn and as he presses a fond kiss to your temple he’s rewarded by a sleepy hum of approval from you that sends a rush of quiet joy shooting through him.

“At least we won’t be sleeping in hotel beds again tonight,” you say, voice weary, and Spencer nods as he shuffles you into the elevator. The doors slide shut and the elevator starts to move and in the moment of absolute privacy, you steal a kiss, tilting your chin up to catch his lips with yours, revelling in the soft huff of surprise he lets out, even as he smiles against your mouth. Even after months, the simple act of kissing Spencer still feels new and thrilling somehow, like you can’t quite believe it’s something you’re allowed to do.

His nose brushes yours and he breathes “unless something big comes up, we get a sleep in tomorrow too,” and the way you beam at him sends his heart racing in his chest, unable to look away from the fondness shining in your eyes.

As the two of you exit the elevator and make your way through the Bureau car park, you tuck yourself against his side, wedging yourself under his arm with a happy sigh, eager to get yourself horizontal and asleep as fast as possible. Spencer brushes his lips against your temple again as the two of you close in on his car, almost free and clear of the office when a voice behind the two of you brings you up short.

“Reid?”

Spencer is reacting before his mind catches up, turning on his heel towards the sound of Hotch’s voice echoing through the parking lot, conscious of the incriminating way you’re still tucked against his side, even as his brain is rifling frantically through any possible excuses for the current circumstances.

“Hotch-” you step away from Spencer, cheeks flaming, not wanting to chance a look at him. “I-we-thought everyone else had gone home,” you trail off lamely, trying your hardest not to balk under Hotch’s ominously impassive scrutiny. A second passes, then another, and the short silence feels like months, or years even as the three of you stand locked in a stalemate.

“I take it the two of you would prefer to keep this under wraps?” He asks, finally, and it registers with Spencer, somewhat belatedly, that Hotch’s tone isn’t admonishing. It isn’t enough to dissipate the tension coiling in Spencer’s muscles just yet, but he spares a glance at you as he nods, and a moment later, Hotch gives the two of you a curt nod of his own. “I’ll tell you what,” he says, a shade of irony colouring his voice. “If you two fill out the paperwork for in-team relationships for me, I’ll keep it to myself. I understand privacy is hard to come by in our office.”

The words take a while to fully sink in, and you’re conscious that you’re standing there blinking and gaping at your boss like a bemused fish for a good few seconds before you’ve composed yourself enough to say “absolutely, sir. Of course. Thank you.”

Hotch nods again, heading towards his own car, and as he passes the two of you, a brief smile flashes across his face.

“Congratulations, you two. Get some sleep.”

four months and three weeks.

Spencer isn’t sure how late it is, but he knows you’re not asleep yet, the faint glow of your phone screen casting faint distorted shadows across his room as your free hand rests lightly on his chest. In the dark blue twilight of his room, the space feels undefined and dream like somehow, the line between his mind and his surroundings blurry or indistinct somehow, and as you huff out a near silent laugh at something on the screen in your hand, a thought rises to the surface of his thoughts like flotsam on an unwanted tide.

The more clinical part of his mind notes the autonomic response in his body, the way his heart lurches unpleasantly in his chest, heart rate rising with an influx of cortisol through his nervous system, automatically rifling through ways to control the anxiety response. Age old instinct surges forwards, starting to push his spiralling anxiety down out of sight so as not to bother you with it, but then your hand shifts infinitesimally on his chest, fingers curling in the soft fabric of his pyjama shirt, and for once his body is miles ahead of his brilliant mind, your name is leaving his lips before he’s really aware of it happening.

Your gaze flashes up from your phone at the sound of his voice, soft and hesitant, and you let the screen go dark as you set it down. You can feel Spencer’s heart hammering against his ribs under your palm, and your brows knit together in concern as you shift closer to his side, tracing gentle circles over his shirt with your fingertips, the repetitive motion intended to soothe, though you’re not sure if it’s for his benefit or yours.

“Yeah, baby?” You ask softly, working hard to keep the rising worry from your voice. After three years of friendship and almost six months of dating, you know him well enough to sense when his propensity for overthinking and catastrophizing is slipping out of his control. You can feel his chest rise as he inhales sharply, whatever he’s about to say cut off by second guessing, doing nothing to pacify your concern. “Spence? Is everything okay?” You ask again.

“This-bet-hiding our relationship-it’s-” he trails off, throat tight as he rolls onto his side, facing away from you, and smushing his face into the pillow, already wishing he hadn’t said anything. You’re the kindest person he’s ever met, but offering up this kind of raw insecurity feels like pulling teeth. Even if it’s you. Especially if it’s you. He doesn’t know if he’s ready to find out if you care about him enough to stay when his racing mind gets the better of him. The pillow muffles his voice as he says “never mind.”

You feel your own heart rate tic up in response to that, matching the wild beat of Spencer’s that you could feel under your palm only a second ago. “Baby, talk to me. What’s on your mind?”

He shakes his head, face still hidden in the pillow. “It’s stupid.”

He can feel the rush of your breath on his back as you sigh, and your voice is almost achingly patient as you say softly “it’s not stupid if it matters to you.” There’s a long pause, and you press yourself against his back, settling close and letting your hand slide over his side to rest on his chest, the heat of his skin sinking into yours even through his thin shirt. In spite of his height, he feels so small as you wrap yourself around him, drawing closer, trying to reassure him without yet knowing what he needs to be reassured of. “Spence?”

“Are you ashamed of-being with me? Is that why you want to hide it?” The words are almost whispered, the sound almost lost against his pillow and your heart sinks, plummeting faster and further than if you’d dropped it off the side of a skyscraper. You should’ve known he might worry about that, should have realised it might have felt that way. Remorse rises hot and bitter in your throat and you swallow it down, trying to steady your voice.

“Spencer. Sweetheart. No. Never. I could never be ashamed. I love you. I’m so sorry.” Your arms wrap more tightly around him and you bury your face against the crook of his neck, the tension you can feel in every inch of his body making you feel more cruel and short-sighted than you already do. “I’m sorry I didn’t realise it might feel like that. I could never be ashamed of being with you, Spence. You’re my favourite person.” He takes the kind of shaky, shallow breath that comes with trying not to cry and your heart breaks a little more as one of his hands slowly moves to cover yours where it rests against his chest, just over his heart.

As his hand rests over yours, his thumb strokes lightly along your knuckles, and he knows you know him well enough to notice the way his hand trembles, just a little, because then your hand is shifting against his, turning to clumsily tangle your fingers with his, holding tighter to him as he tries to collect himself, drawing in a deep, shuddering breath as his eyes squeeze shut. He can hear the contrition in your voice as you say softly “I’ve never really liked having people know everything about what’s going on in my life. And I love our friends but-something like this, that’s so-special? So new? I wanted to be able to keep it to just us for a while.”

“I’m sorry.” His voice comes out a little shaky, scarcely more than a whisper, and it’s more than you can take as you pull back and gently force him to roll over to face you. He’s not crying, but his eyes are glassy and you recognise the fight to keep the tears unshed in the tight set of his jaw and the hard line of his lips. Leaning on your elbow, you lift your free hand to gently smooth out the furrows of his brow, letting your fingers linger along the planes of his face.

“Why are you sorry,” you ask gently. “You don’t need to be sorry, baby. Not for talking to me about things that bother you. We can tell everyone else tomorrow, if you want? We can call off the bet. Derek will live. If he’s got a problem with it I’ll turn all his shirts into crop tops.”

He can tell the joke is a last bid attempt to make him smile, to ease his fear, and it works. In spite of the anxious weight in his chest that feels like it’s pressing him into the mattress, Spencer laughs weakly, meeting your eyes, and he watches as a relieved smile breaks across your face, releasing your lower lip from where you’d trapped it worriedly between your teeth. The unmitigated affection that floods into your eyes renders him momentarily breathless as he takes in the moment. You’re still here, still trying to take care of him. Just as kind and steadfast as ever.

“No,” he says eventually, wrapping his arms around you, pulling you down on top of him like a living weighted blanket, letting your warmth chase the bulk of the tension from his body and luxuriating in the way you curl into him, one hand sliding into his hair. “We shouldn’t call off the bet. We still have to take Emily’s money, remember?”

Your sleepy laugh is the last thing he hears before his eyes close and the feel of your body wound around his lulls him to sleep.

five months.

SR: Can I talk to you about something?

DM: you dying or something? that’s a really fuckin ominous text to recieve out of the blue

SR: I’m not dying, why would that be what you assumed? I just have a question.

DM: just a figure of speech but what’s up?

SR: It’s about your bet with Emily. What’re the terms for it?

DM: wym?

SR: What exactly did you two make the bet about? What needs to happen in order for you to win the bet?

DM: does this count as collusion?

SR: Technically yes, but calling it collusion implies a certain degree of illegality.

DM: whatever anyway the terms i made with em were that you’d make some kind of move before your birthday but she reckoned you were gonna need some kind of near death experience to do anything about your crush why?

SR: I’m just making sure I have all the information.

DM: what’s going on pretty boy? you planning something?

SR: Maybe.

DM: not a helpful answer reid is everything good?

SR: Everything’s fine. We’re just figuring some stuff out. Nothing to worry about.

DM: is there something you’re not telling me?

SR: Don’t worry about it.

five months, three weeks and six days.

In the chaos that was the scramble from the briefing room to the jet, you haven’t yet had the chance to speak to Spencer about the outcome of his most recent thesis defence panel. By the time you’ve got a moment to breathe, the jet is underway, coasting across the country towards Montana, the whole team settled in for the six hour flight. You corner him in the tiny kitchen area of the jet as he’s making a mug of mediocre coffee, fingers tapping out an absent minded rhythm on the countertop as the coffee machine whirs, clearly not paying attention to anything outside of his head.

“Hey, boy genius.” He jumps, whirling around, eyes wide with surprise, and you smile fondly. “So?” You demand, and Spencer raises an eyebrow in confusion. You snort, rolling your eyes as you elaborate. “Your defence panel. Did it go okay?”

You’re shifting your weight and fidgeting restlessly with the belt loops on your pants and as he studies you for a moment, it occurs to Spencer that you’re nervous for him over this outcome. The thought brings an almost giddy smile to his face.

“You know this isn’t my first thesis defence panel, right?” He says mildly, deliberately burying the lede, enjoying the way you scowl in irritation too much to answer your question right away, too enamoured with this display of concern on his behalf.

“Don’t be difficult, Doctor Reid. It’s still a big deal.” He just shrugs noncommittally, and you huff, swatting his arm lightly. “So did it go well?” You ask again, eyes narrowing as you try to dissect his microexpressions, trying to discern the answer he seems determined to keep from you for yourself. A few seconds later, he relents.

“I can now add degree number six to my wall.” He confirms. Getting degrees doesn’t hold the same rush of pride for him now, the accomplishment feeling somewhat less exceptional as he acquires more of them, but the way your face lights up with pride for him reminds him how special the things he’s capable of can be. You’ve always made him feel like more than the sum of his parts somehow, like something infinitely more precious than he always assumed he is.

“I fucking knew it. That’s amazing, Spence,” you say, chest warm and full with pride and love, and his almost shy smile in return is enough to make a decision for you in a split second. Your hand dips into your back pocket, drawing something out, and you carefully hide it from view in your palm as Spencer tracks the motion curiously with his eyes.

Your eyes are shining with affection and something that looks like mischief and the way you’re smiling at him is more than enough to divert his attention as you step closer, just barely noticing as you slip something into his hand. You’re dangerously, distractingly close now, and he’s conscious, if somewhat distantly, that neither of you is concealed from the rest of the team, scant meters away in the seating area of the jet. But you’re smiling and close enough for him to feel your breath on his face and suddenly your lips are on his, and even after nearly seven months of being able to touch you like this, it’s enough to make him forget everything else as he melts into the contact, savouring the warmth of your skin and the faint smell of your shampoo.

You pull back a second later, the kiss over almost as soon as it started, but it’s enough to attract attention, and you can hear a belated ‘oh SHIT’ from Emily in the main cabin of the jet. In your peripheral vision, you can see money changing hands, your friends scrambling to react, but you don’t look at them, choosing to enjoy the bemused, affectionate look on Spencer’s face as his brain catches up to the events unfolding around the two of you.

“I was tired of keeping it a secret,” you say fondly, loud enough only for him to hear. “You win.”

Blinking in confusion, he finally tears his gaze away from yours, fingers uncurling to reveal the fifty dollar bill you had pressed into his palm right before you kissed him. The penny drops and he snorts with laughter, shaking his head in half hearted indignation as his other arm loops around you, pulling you in, letting you rest your head on his shoulder, hiding your face from the rest of the team as he kisses your temple, revelling in the way you wind yourself around him in response.

“I was gonna do this in like two days. I wanted you to win,” he murmurs against your hairline, and he can feel your faint laughter.

“Too bad, baby. I’m used to getting my way,” you say, pulling back to steal another quick kiss before peeling yourself out of his arms with a wink, turning to face the onslaught of ‘care to fucking explain that’ and ‘I fucking told you so’ from the rest of your friends, tugging him with you by your joined hands.

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