#dont ask me who anyone else would be ill explode | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

awriterandabird · 2 years ago

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not mentally ill enough to be fun for internet users to poke at, too mentally ill to be brushed off as "quirky", but just mentally ill enough to catch myself in yet another unending spiral of shame and agony!

wooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(dont press read more unless you read those tags. im warning you.)

for the love of GOD please help? stop?

earlier someone asked how they could help i told them to give me space i don't want to explode i feel like i need the opposite of space but also if anyone comes close to me i want to golf them into the sun don't talk to me. don't perceive me please talk to me. don't leave me

i wish i could channel this into something productive (not that i think anyone would want to see that. there's better artists and better art. whats one more little fag on the internet making stories about depression and derealization and autism and burnout. i don't have anything new to add.)

today i went outside and i had trouble staying in my own head

for a while i was a father struggling to keep doing his job because 'reality' around me kept feeling weird and wrong and i remember punching a hole in the wall and i heard birdsong but the birdsong was real and i was back on earth (in my body) and the vignette around my vision was tangible. a fly landed on my arm and it made me yell. i was real suddenly- the veil was gone. i walked around and i looked at some things. i saw a weed growing in the cracks of the asphalt and i saw grass growing through a circle of rocks. at the fairy tree i found a perfectly round rock and wondered what was inside. i was back in the crystal shop- the one across the water- where the ferry took us i remember the perfect little geodes they sold i was back home i remember readying that hammer only to completely fuck up the swing and ended up pulverizing most of it. but i looked and the pieces were right there at the fairy tree. i thought about art and how i would portray things if i and i was that father again and i was struggling to explain i couldn't speak at all really even in the arms of my wife i fought myself and another voice (myself) and i told myself im not real and i told myself why do i feel like im stealing something from someone else and why do i feel like my life is over but it never started and i was in the backyard looking for my cat when the gate slammed. it slammed in the wind. im real again. the sun is still out. the neighbors just came back home- i saw their car pull in. im ashamed to keep wasting time outside, so i walk back in my house

i might have gotten the order of events wrong

does it matter

does writing it down even matter

im giving the void (at first i typed "voice") a recollection of something that doest matter

recorded here for all of time, wasting space on a server, rotting, festering.

who is this for is this for myself?

wouldnt it be easier if i just told the people in my real life what was going on,

no you know what shut the fuck up.

go get a job dumbass.

..yeah i feel like a right waste of space.

"look. walk-ins accepted. you can apply here too when you apply at [x] tomorrow" "tomorrow?" "what else do you have going on in your life?" we walked down the rest of the aisle in silence. i didn't have a reply.

"whats the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist?" "one can prescribe you drugs i think" "oh" we drove for 10 minutes in silence. i thought about my next question so carefully. i must have gone through dozens of iterations in that 5 minutes. i was the only one talking. during those 8 minutes i don't remember what the radio played. "which one of those two... tells you about if you have things in your head?" "what do you mean things in your head?" "like-" "like schizophrenia?" "yeah" "a psychiatrist i think. no? a psychologist. i forget" "yeah that's okay you don't know the answer, i probably should have researched myself, its kind of a lot of me to have expected you to have all the answers." "okay"

tomorrow i wake up. i have two options

>disappoint everyone (default option, no action required) >shut up, man up, get out of my room, become presentable, act Normal, interview at two different places, land a job, support the house, be a perfect functioning person

do i have an option

can i at least be a better person than writing a pathetic little vent longer than the colors of the sky. that no one cares about. that i wont care about in. fucking. whenever i can regulate my emotions again

wait will that even happen (someone made me go to type "(never)")

dear god. dear fucking lord. ive only been typing for. not long. it can't have been that long- less than half an hour- rollover just ended- but why the fuck did that person message me 6 times while im on DnD

aaaaaaaaaUGH i WANT TO GO. TO. BED.

WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP TRYING TO TALK TO ME

BUT THEY NEVER WANT TO TALK TO ME

7 messages

why cant we talk about nice things? i have nice things too- when i see them. in that other place. posting back and forth admiring each others stories and characters. i have that too. please. please can you talk to me

but then i swear like clockwork someone reaches out and i think no. not YOU. i want. THEM. (they don't exist) (they are a nebulous construct) what do i want. what do i fucking want. what do i care about? who do i care about?

im sorry. im so sorry. im sorry and i'll promise to respond to you. im sorry i know how it feels to be ignored i don't want to do that to you. im sorry i don't understand these things you send me. i don't understand

earlier tonight i failed once again to follow a simple request

(i keep looking up at those 7 unread messages)

i failed to follow it and i felt so. broken? useless? stupid? worthless? how can you expect someone _like me_ to get a job. to be _functional_

i dont even know if what i want to do is what i want to do anymore

all that time i spent in school. im sorry i wasted your time. im sorry im not going to amount to anything more than that. than this.

"they said they lost you in the system" "lost?? i. i submitted 3 times. under 'jay', under '[dead]', under '[last1]', under '[last1-last2]', i tried. i tried." -- "maybe they just don't want to hire me" "that's not it" "[z] got back to me that one time. do you remember?" "oh only a little-" "they said they're not hiring for night positions. even if on the website, the spot is still open. maybe if i just. replied back again and told them i'd do day anyways" "well, would you rather work at [x], or [y], or [z]?" "[y] i guess... not because i want to work in fast food but the benefits-"

the one blessing of tonight is that at least i haven't been super dysphoric. im too busy trying to claw back into my own body to be worried about whether or not it fits. i just need to be IN one

its been so hard to think of it as anything other than "the body", rather than "me". its. supposed to be "me" i think

whatever that means

my head is swimming again. i need to end this post

7 unread messages

i know i'll hit post, and i'll never see this passage again good riddance. maybe with all the bile ejected now i can actually be

something. i still dont know.

#vent. you can ignore this one #please dont read this if you feel shitty yourself. i dont want to make it worse #also #if you're from the only community i care about (you'll know who you are)#skip this. dont ruin your perception of me.#not reading this one back to check for errors bc its 100% stream of consciousness #so as a warning this is probably mostly nonsense because i feel quite ~wibbery~ right now #i'll come back and make this private later #i need. the catharsis of shouting into the void

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reidsnose · 4 years ago

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completely and utterly, wholeheartedly and hopelessly (spencer reid x reader)

overview: spencer helps his best friend talk through her emotions

genre: angst? and fluff

warnings: mentions of cheating, bad coping mechanisms, idrk what else reader being upset for a little bit

a/n: this has been sitting in my notes app FOREVER but idk how i feel ab this one im usually strictly fluff so yall lmk :)

masterlist

you hated talking about your feelings. you knew it was unhealthy to keep it bottled and and 'deal with it on your own' but that didn't stop you from doing exactly that.

the worst part about your feelings right now was that you isolate to cope with them. you didn't want to interact with anyone at all because more likely than not you would lash out at them on accident. it just slips out sometimes.

when you trudged into the bullpen with your head down and your hands fidgeting with your zipper, you didn't even notice all eyes on you. you werent your usual happy self. you weren't being loud, you weren't cracking jokes. you were just begrudgingly existing amongst your favorite people and they knew there was something wrong.

"good morning gorgeous, its a paperwork day! that means no traveling!" garcia informed you brightly, trying to lighten my mood.

"oh. cool. thanks." you answered back, flashing her as much of a smile as you could muster after realizing the harshness of your words.

she shot morgan a look, to which he raised an eyebrow.

"hey pretty lady," he began as he walked over to you, "whats going on? did you drink some grumpy juice for breakfast?"

"no. im fine." you replied flatly, making your way to your desk.

"what in the world.." he whispered to garcia, not knowing you could still hear.

or maybe he did know. maybe he was trying to get on your nerves. no. this is the irritability talking. morgan was just being a good friend.

you groaned at your computer, retyping the same password for the 4th time.

this time Prentiss shot you a look.

"is everything ok?" she asked, smiling slightly.

"yeah my computer is being stupid." you rolled your eyes as it finally let you in.

"oh i know the feeling. if you need any help-"

"I'm alright. thanks." you cut her off, eyes glued to the file you were working on.

JJ, who had witnessed the whole interaction unfold, stood with her mouth agape.

"spence, your bestie needs you!" JJ tapped his shoulder and motioned to you.

he watched your jaw rhythmically clench and unclench. your tell. thats what you always did when you were irritated or angry.

"hey y/n," he hummed, sitting lightly on the corner of your desk, crinkling some of your paper work.

"Reid! my files!" you cried, swatting his thigh. he got up and murmured an apology.

"are you ok?" he asked simply, crouching down to meet your height as you sat in your chair.

"why does everyone keep asking me that!"

you knew why. you were being a bitch.

"you just called me Reid." he stated.

"its your name." you replied, not meeting his gaze.

"yeah but you always-" he began.

"I'm not in the mood right now."

he sighed, "if you need someone to talk to-"

"i don't need anyone to talk to because theres nothing to talk about!" you interrupted, causing him to furrow his eyebrows at the tone of my voice.

'i shouldn't be mean to him. why am i acting like this?' you thought to yourself

"ok, ill be over there if you need me," he threw his hands up in surrender.

you mumbled an ok and went back to distracting yourself with work. you were so invested in filing these cases you completely lost track of time and before you knew it, it was just you, Hotch, and Spencer left in the office. you vaguely remembered waving goodbye to your other coworkers but you didn't remember it being nearly 6pm.

"guys go home, you've done a lot today," Hotch said as he crossed the bullpen, making his way towards the glass doors.

"yeah i will i'm almost done," you answered, not looking up from my screen.

"good night, Hotch," Spencer called from the break room.

you stared at your screen, eyes burning. you did enough. you cant escape confronting your feelings much longer. you sighed as you began packing up.

as if on cue, Spencer walked out of the break room with two cups in his hands, steam rising from the both of them. your mood softened just a bit.

"here," he handed you your drink which he had filled with your favorite tea and sweetened just the way you like it.

"you didnt have to." you replied, setting down the warm cup as you finished packing up. he mirrored your movements, resting his satchel across his torso before picking his drink back up.

"i know." he answered simply, a gentle smiling resting on his lips before he took a sip of his own tea.

"im sorry for snapping at you earlier." you apologized, finally meeting his gaze. his eyes were soft and sweet and you felt a pang of guilt in your heart as they looked into your own.

"its ok. do you want to tell me why?" he asked, walking to the elevator with you.

"no. yes? i dont know. its stupid." you replied, looking down at the floor as you recounted your reason for my anger today.

"its not stupid." he spoke softly.

you scoffed lightly, "you dont even know what it is."

"so tell me."

"but its dumb!"

"y/n." he warned.

"my ex boyfriend, Ashton, is getting married to the girl he cheated on me with." you sighed, walking through the parking lot with Spencer.

"ah so Trashton put my favorite ray of sunshine in a bad mood." he joked, breath swirling around the cool air as he spoke

you let out a weary chuckle, "its not like i miss him or anything, i just wish i had someone! not him- i just- i want- ugh i don't know how to word this!" you grew frustrated, furrowing your eyebrows and balling your hands into fists.

you knew exactly how to word it.

you wanted Spencer.

"its ok, take all the time you need." he whispered, leaning on the hood of your car. you joined him, resting as you took a sip of your tea.

"why am i not good enough to be loved." you stated the question rather than asking it, eyes filling with tears.

"you are good enough and i promise you that you are loved more than you know." he affirmed gently, turning to face you.

"do you know why we broke up?" you asked, knowing if you acknowledged his previous comment you wouldn't be able to continue without sobbing.

"because he cheated on you." he answered confidently.

"no." you shook your head, fighting back tears.

"what? he didn't cheat on you?"

"he did. and i was going to forgive him for that."

Spencer started getting riled up, "what! why? you're worth more than that scumbag! you shouldn't ha-"

"Spencer just let me finish!" you cut him off. he went silent, chest rising and falling more rhythmically than it had seconds earlier. "he wanted me to chose. him or you."

"him or me?" he furrowed his eyebrows, voice much quieter now.

"mhm." you hummed not meeting his gaze, your cheeks redder than you'd like to admit.

"i don't understand." he breathed.

"he thought i was cheating on him with you. he had no proof and it w-"

"oh this is all my fault. y/n i'm so sorry!"

"no! spence its not your fault!" you grabbed his arm to reassure him.

"it is! your boyfriend broke up with you because of me! and now you're sad and lonely and its all my fault!" he cried, looking worriedly into your eyes.

"first of all, i broke it off with him, he just gave the ultimatum. secondly, you did me a favor."

"how?"

"by showing me who i was really dating. a cheating, insecure scumbag who was quick to replace me when i left."

"i guess thats true."

"and id pick you over him any day." you admitted, looking back down at the ground. he nudged your shoulder playfully and you cracked a sad smile

"im sorry i made you sad and lonely."

"you didnt. id be sad and lonely anyway."

"why? you would still have a boyfriend if it wasn't for me."

"i don't want a boyfriend if it isn't you."

shit. shit.

the words toppled out of your mouth before you could stop them.

"what?" he asked, wide eyes and looking a little shocked. spencer was sure in that very moment that if he heard you correctly hed simply explode.

"i- no this was a bad idea. i just ruined everything didnt i!" you were speaking more to yourself, exasperated at your own stupidity.

"no," you felt him place a finger to your chin and lift your gaze to meet his, "im glad you said it because now i can admit it."

"admit what?"

"that im completely and utterly, wholeheartedly and hopelessly in love with you."

"spencer dont play with my heart like this. are you being serious?"

"yes. i am." he said with a strange confidence than you had never heard before. hesitant but sure.

"oh thats so lucky because i am completely and utterly, wholeheartedly and hopelessly in love with you too." you admitted, feeling about 100 pounds lighter, like you could fly. he pulled you into a bone crushing hug which you eagerly accepted. "i should talk about my feelings more often."

he chuckled, pressing a soft kiss to the crown of your head, "yes you should."

world littlest taglist:

@mac99martin

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brelione · 4 years ago

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Love and Hate (The Best Boys)

dude come on. you said you’d upload the next chapter on christmas and now it’s been a whole week after and it’s still not out. :(, hi! when are you posting the next chapter of tbb??, tbb????, Are you posting the next chapter of best boys soon? I miss her, when will you be posting the next part of the best boys series??, Ok I’m over TBB I’m just gonna say she ends up with Blah Blah and they live happily ever after, the end. Thank you for the amazing read, it has been fun❤️, TBB is literally the last series I have to finish before I can finally peace out of the shithole that is the OBX fandom for good but like no rush or anything baby❤️,When do you think you’ll be posting the last chapters of TBB?, Hey queen how’s the writing for best boys going,

Series Masterlist

SHES HEREEEE

Yes, im aware this chapter is all over the place. I went through writing four different versions of this chapter and this is the one that I decided to go with. I know that this one is kind of a little ahfioshviowenvionae but it all comes together next chapter (I already started writing the next chapter). Im so sorry that this is so late. I’ve been having issues for a little bit. My grandfather and my dog passed away and I recently had a relapse and I think that’s why it was taking me so long. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter <3

Warnings:Nothing really, swearing and unedited. Also im sorry if you dont like this chapter but like....yeah.

You were awoken to the sounds of screaming.Topper ended up at the foot of the bed, Kelce still clinging onto you.Rafe was absent from his spot but the mattress was still warm and had a slight dent which let you know that he hadnt been gone long.

You had spent most of the night trying to find the perfect spot on the mattress, one arm thrown over kelce and your heel against the back of Toppers thigh.It seemed like it hadnt been a super long time since the sun had risen which meant that it was probably around seven in the morning by now.

Your heart was thumping in your chest, trying to pay attention to what the voices were shouting.Something about a mess and irresponsibility but you couldnt hear much besides that.Rafe stomped up the stairs, opening his door.He was shirtless, face red from yelling and his eyes slightly watery.You sat up, making Kelce grumble.

Rafe’s jaw was slightly dropped, his nose beginning to run and his body trembling.“Hey, what happened?”You asked, gaining Kelce’s attention.Topper’s eyes opened slightly, looking over at Rafe.The tall boy didnt say anything, he just dragged his feet across the room and sat back on the bed, mumbling.You were hesitant to grip his hand, squeezing lightly.

He just stared at a wrinkle in the blanket but the sound of something breaking downstairs told you that it had been more than just bickering.Kelce was worried, knowing that his parents had gotten home late last night and would see the mess he had created. “He doesnt want me living here anymore.”Rafe spoke up, a few tears rolling down his cheeks.

You pulled him closer to you, arms around his shoulders as he sobbed, your fingers rubbing against the back of his neck.He squeezed you tightly when he head footsteps coming up the stairs, silently praying to any god that would listen that it wouldnt be Ward.Kelce’s phone kept buzzing but he ignored it, knowing exactly what it was.

He knew that it was coming and he would be lying if he said that he didnt expect it, nervous the whole night as he waited for his phone to blow up.“What are you gonna do?”Topper asked.As much as you wanted to scold him for asking that when Rafe clearly didnt want to talk about it it was still something that you had also been wondering.

Rafe didnt answer, taking in a deep, shaky breath that hurt his ribs before picking up his head and looking over to his friend. “I dont know.”He admitted.His voice hurt your heart, the realisation kicking in that there wasnt really many places that he could go.

Kelce’s phone buzzed again, all of your eyes falling on him.He sighed, glancing at his screen.He had missed calls from his parents, dozens of text in all caps telling him to come home immediately. “They found the door.”He replied, keeping his voice calm.A new wave of silence washed over the room, not knowing what to say to that.

Your eyes watered as you remembered how simple life was a few weeks ago, all of you eating breakfast, watching criminal minds and laughing as Topper recorded it all on his snapchat.Now everything was completely falling apart.You didnt say anything, trying to think of a solution.Rafe couldnt go to Kelce’s house or Topper’s house since Topper’s mother had one of those security cameras outside of her home and she’d recognize him immediately.

She was still pissy about Topper’s accident, she’d explode if he let friends over. “SO what happens now?”Topper asked.You were all out of ideas.A simple drive or icecream or a movie couldnt solve any of this. “I mean...think about it.We’re adults, right?Child protective services cant stop us if we leave.”Kelce muttered.Rafe nodded, snapping his fingers.

“Yeah, yeah!You’re right.”He agreed, causing your eyes to widen.They were acting insane. They couldnt be serious about just getting up and leaving forever, right? “No, no hes not.We cant just-we cant just leave!”You exclaimed.They were actually going crazy.How could they even think like that? “Why?What do you have here, (Y/N)?”He asked.You paused, thinking about it.

You didnt really have anything.You had your house of course but other than that you had nothing but memories and your boys.You didnt want to admit that he was right, letting out a quiet sigh. “But leaving forever isnt the answer.”You muttered.Rafe rubbed your back, shaking his head. “Doesnt have to be forever, baby.”He answered.

“But- but just cause we arent kids doesnt mean we cant be registered as missing people.They’ll come after us.”You told them.You knew that nobody outside of this room actually cared about you enough to report you as missing but you were scrambling through your thoughts, desperately hunting for a reason to stay on the shitty island that you had learned to love so much.Topper shrugged, not really caring.

“Guys, guys. Okay, look. You’re all fucked, ill admit it. But thats fine! Are you guys forgetting that I still have a house- you guys can just stay there until this whole thing blows over just like you always have!”You reminded them, hoping they’d agree. “This isnt gonna blow over, (Y/N). I cant come back here.”Rafe told you, becoming aggravated.

“THEN MOVE IN! All of you guys, you can just move in, okay? You dont have to leave- I still have my moms money! We’ll figure it out as we go and…. And it’ll be fine.”You insisted. “Move in with you?”Rafe asked. You nodded, wiping your nose. “You practically live with me already, it wont be that different.”You told him, gripping his hand.

It was a messy blur as Rafe packed his things, grabbing anything that he thought could be important. A photo of his mother, his birth certificate and diploma, laptop and ipad, the Frozen ll record. Kelce and Topper just watched, neither of them ready for anything like this so early in the morning.

Maybe if you werent so tired and upset you wouldnt have said it, but here you were in Rafe’s truck, a dufflebag full of his things at your feet with the boys in the backseat as he drove to your house, a few tears rolling down his cheeks as the thoughts finally took over his brain. Kelce had got aggravated and shut down his phone entirely, staring out the window.

The last thing you were expecting was to come down your road only to see a car that was practically falling apart already in your driveway, a tall man with his hands over his forehead as he tried to look in your windows. “What the fuck….”Rafe muttered, reaching for the door handle when you gripped his hand. “Dont, we dont know what he’s doing.”You told him, hoping he’d listen.

Turns out he wasnt the one you had to worry about, Kelce swinging his door open and sprinting up your driveway before anyone could even stop him. Wherever Kelce went Topper went, the boy struggling to get the seatbelt over his cast before jumping out of the truck and nearly falling into a puddle. “ESCUSE ME! MR SIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING LOOKING IN MY HOUSE?”Kelce shouted, purposely making his voice deeper.

The man turned, confused as to why two half asleep teenage boys were walking towards him. “Your house?”The man asked. “Yes, sir. You ever heard of a gay couple before?”Topper asked, making Kelce break character for a moment.

“Well, no, its not that. Its just that I thought this was someone elses house.”The man muttered, confused. You had slid down your seat, hoping that the man wouldnt see you. “He’s about to leave.”Rafe whispered.

“Who’s the other guy in the car?”The man asked, pointing to Rafe’s figure. Kelce glanced over at Topper with wide eyes, trying to think. “Our son.”Kelce replied, cringing the moment he said it. The man only looked more confused, looking between the two boys. “How old are you guys?”The man asked, clearly not buying their story.

“Excuse me? Are you saying that we’re too old to have a son? I did not spend years training for a medical degreee to have some random old man come and tell us how old our son can be!”Topper exclaimed. “I didnt spend years trying to find a surrogate and figuring out a way to make a robot nanny for this!”He sighed, trying his best not to smile.

“Could you please leave the property before we call the police?”Kelce asked. The man was beyond confused at this point, quickly making his way to his shitty car before slowly backing out of the driveway, eyes still scanning the area before he gave up and went down the street.

You let out a sigh of relief, moving to get up when Rafe placed his hand on top of your head to keep you down. “Hes coming around again.”He whispered to you, taking in a shaky breath and holding it in his lungs as the car passed a second time. Topper and Kelce were standing by the door, staring at Rafe almost as telling him to get out and make a run for it.

“Open the door in 3...2…”You didnt wait, jumping out and running towards the house, typing in the key pad as quick as you could, Topper’s hand pushing you inside. “Here he comes again!”He exclaimed, coming in right behind you along with the others before Rafe slammed the door shut and locked it, letting out a laugh.

“Oh god, that was scary.”He chuckled. Kelce and Topper nodded as well, eventually laughing. “Was that my dad?”You asked. “Maybe.”Topper answered. Now that you thought about it, your dad didnt same important. Nothing did. You lived on a huge rock that’s floating around space and you’re concerned about your dad when your boyfriends best friends are moving in.

“What’d you tell him?”You asked. “We told him that we’re a gay couple, Topper’s a doctor and Rafe is our child.”Kelce replied. You giggled, snorting. “I mean, as you should.”You replied. “Hell yeah.”Kelce grinned. Topper tapped at his arm. “Bro, you wanna get married?”Topper asked. Kelce laughed again, nodding.

“I’ll get baptised and get you guys married!”Rafe volunteered, all of you turning to look at him. “Did you just say baptised?”Kelce asked. Rafe nodded, eyebrows furrowing. “Is that not the right word?”He asked. Topper shook his head. “The word is ordained.”He informed the tall boy. “He’s trying his best.”You replied, sitting down on the chair that you werent used to sitting in.

“You think he’s gonna come back?”You asked. Topper groaned, sitting down. “Well, I hope not. I dont want my husband and I to have to fight him.”He grinned. You rolled your eyes, changing positions in the chair. “Did he look like me?”You asked, leaning your head against the arm rest, groaning when Rafe pushed your legs aside and sat down with you.

“Not really… he had rat tails for eyebrows.”Kelce replied, putting his fingers over his eyebrows. “Do I have rat tail eyebrows?”You asked, grinning when Rafe reached forward and poked your eyebrow, a chuckle slipping past his lips. “You wish.”He replied. “Fuck off.”You answered. “Dont be fucking rude.”He grinned, kissing you quickly before pulling away with a small smile.

You were shocked, trying to hide your surprise. It wasnt like you werent used to kissing Rafe by now, it was just that he had never done it in front of the boys before. They looked nearly as confused as you, the thought of Rafe kissing you in front of them never even being a concern until now. They were used to him getting most of your love and attention but that had just stirred something within them.

“So how are we gonna do this? I dont know about you guys but im not going back to my house anytime soon.”Kelce announced. Rafe lifted his head, looking over to the boy. “You could always sneak in your own window to grab your things...maybe wait until theyre at work. What about you, Top?”Rafe asked, turning his attention to the blonde boy.

“What do I have at my house that I need? Like, really need.”He asked, grinning when none of you could answer. “Problem solved.”He replied. “What time is it?”Rafe asked, breaking the silence. “Ten.”Kelce replied, closing his eyes as he leaned against the couch. “Im going upstairs to take a nap then.”Topper yawned, slowly making his way down the hall into the first floor guest room.

It was arguably the worst since it also worked as your moms office, a queen bed pushed into the corner. You wiggled out of Rafe’s grip, smiling when he whined. You went into the kitchen, grabbing a poptart. For the situation you felt rather calm, opening the silver package and taking a bite of one of the sweet pastries.

The energy in the house felt different than it had yesterday. You werent sure why, maybe it was just the comfort of knowing that the boys were going to be living with you now and you wouldnt have to worry as much about Rafe or Topper’s relationship with his mom.

“So how are we gonna handle this?”Kelce asked, confusing you. “The house, I mean. You have this whole house and like...30 million dollars. We can literally redecorate however we want, maybe even clean out your moms office if youre okay with it.”He suggested.

You nodded, the idea of getting the memory of your mother cleansed from your life sounded appealing. His excitement took over as he opened his amazon prime app, looking for new decor. “How do you feel about your moms room?”He asked, not wanting to push your limits. You shrugged, swallowing part of the pastry. “Shes not using it.”You replied, surprised by how morbid you sounded.

He simply nodded, shifting in his seat as he added things to his cart. “Can we redo your room? It’s been the same color since we were fourteen.”Rafe suggested. You shrugged, not really caring. You didnt spend a large amount of time in your bedroom anyways. You scrolled through your phone for a few minutes, seeing a little red bubble next to your messaging app that let you know that you had gotten a text. Curious, you opened it.

As soon as you saw who it was a pit grew in your stomach, eyes widening. It was her. “Sweet words, (Y/N).”The text read. You knew that it was your uncle just trying to mess with you but it still caused your anxiety to skyrocket, deciding to block the number and place your phone between your thighs, taking in a deep breath through your nose.

Topper dragged his feet, coming out of the room with a frown. “That’s the most uncomfortable bed in all of history.”He muttered, sitting down on the couch instead. “You can go upstairs.’You reminded him, feeling your phone buzz against your inner thigh.

He just hummed, leaning his head against the back of the couch. “How long was I in there?”He asked. “Literally not even ten minutes.”Kelce replied, still scrolling. “Did I miss anything?”Topper asked. You didnt reply, breaking off another piece of the poptart. “We’re gonna redecorate the house.”Kelce answered. Topper nodded, lifting his head.

“Does that mean that office too?”Topper asked. You nodded, staring at a spot on your carpet. “Does that mean we get to open the file cabinet in the guest room?”He asked, all of you looking over at him. The thought made you feel nauseous. Even if she wasnt here to yell at you you knew that opening the file cabinet would still scare you anyways.

“If theres a dead body in there I swear to god-”You muttered, earning a chuckle from Rafe. “A body couldnt fit in there.”he replied, making your eyebrows furrow. “How do you know where bodies can fit?”You asked. “No, no. Like, its not….well...maybe a raccoon body.”He admitted. “Rafe!”You exclaimed, smacking his thigh.

He rolled his eyes, pulling you into his lap. “There’s no raccoon body.”He answered. “I think theres a raccoon body.”Kelce replied. “Theres not.”You answered. Topper grinned, skipping into the room and beginning to open the cabinet, the three of you following him. “Okay, who votes raccoon body?”He asked, his hand on the knob.

Kelce raised his hand, grabbing your arm to make you hold your hand up as well. “Ready?”Topper asked before pulling the door open, looking into it. His face fell immediately, not expecting this. “What?”You asked, stepping past Kelce and looking into the cabinet.Guns were being held by small metal pieces, multiple clear bags full of plants and needles on the floor, bullets on sashes hanging with the guns.

The two of you just stared, ignoring Rafe and Kelce until they came up behind you, equally as confused. “What the fuck?”Rafe asked, seeing the bags. Kelce slammed the doors shut, locking it. “We’re not telling anyone about this, right?”He asked, looking at all of you. “What are we gonna do with all that? We cant just keep it here!”Topper argued.

Rafe shrugged, resting his elbow on your shoulder. “We smoke the weed and throw the guns in the river, obviously.”Rafe answered. “We’re not smoking weed, Rafe.”You answered. “Well your mom didnt have a liscense to carry, right?”Kelce asked. You shook your head, figuring it would be hung up somewhere in the house to remind you of the power she had.

“Right, okay. So we cant call the cops and we cant keep it here.”Kelce answered, clicking the lock on the cabinet. “What’d your mom even do for a living?”Topper asked. You frowned, thinking back. You never really knew what your mother did, you just stayed quiet and hoped you wouldnt make her angry. She’d disappear for months, money would appear in your bank account, she’d pay the bills aned thats all you needed to know.

She’d have long phone calls with people in her office, grounding you if you even dared to listen. “I dont know.”You replied, cringing at how stupid you sounded. “She has these cabinets all over the house, doesnt she?”Kelce asked. “The one in her room is actual files.”You told him, hoping that there were no sorts of hidden things in her room.

“Should we go check?” Rafe asked, out of the room with a grin before any of you could even answer. You sighed, slightly annoyed that he was treating this like a scavenger hunt. “Its been here this whole time, im sure nothings gonna happen.”Kelce assured you, patting you on the shoulder before his fingers tickled your arm and wrist, gripping your hand and bringing you upstairs.

“I ordered some tapestries, succulents, fake vines and some new blankets for our new movie room.”He told you, nearly slipping up. “Movie room?”You asked, nearly slipping on the stairs. “Your mom has a big tv, I figured it could be like a second living room if you’re comfortable with that.”He answered, pausing at the top of the stairs so he could wait for you.

Rafe was in your mother’s room, carefully pulling on the drawers, eventually finding out that the top one was locked. He looked over at you, silently asking if you knew where the key was. You shook your head, letting go of Kelce’s hand and opening the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet, the hairs on the back of your neck standing up.

Your mother kept most of your medical documents and anything like that to herself along with basically everything that proved you existed. Baby photos, ultra sounds, old school tests. “We could just move it into the other guest room.”Rafe muttered, hoping he wasnt making you upset. You ignored him, looking through all the little colored tags, your eyes falling on a silver tag, your eyebrows furrowing. No other ones had that color.

You picked it up, sitting down and reading it over. The words were all bundled together, ink scratches and smudges told you that it wasnt a serious document. The only word you could make out was ‘arsonist’. Nothing else was eligible. “Can we take it right now?”You asked, placing the paper on the floor and closing the drawer. Rafe nodded, Kelce grabbing one side while Rafe grabbed the other. Topper grinned, leaning against your mothers unused desk.

“I would help but my arms broken.”he laughed, watching as Kelce struggled, walking backwards. “Some moral support would be great.”Kelce rolled his eyes. You grinned, slowly clapping. “Great job, guys. You’re doing great moving that illegal file cabinet.”You held back a laugh. They turned carefully, shuffling as they eventually got to the guest bedroom.

“How do you feel about this?”Topper asked, sitting down on the chair. You sighed, shrugging. “I mean, you know. Its not that I dont love the idea of you guys being here but like… its the circumstances.”You answered, sighing when he pulled you closer with his good arm, rubbing your back. “Thanks a lot for this, though. Like in all seriousness im really grateful that you’re in my life.”He blushed, looking up at you. You smiled, kissing his nose lightly.

“I mean, I do provide you with half of the drama in your life.”You giggled, kissing him gently. “Where does the other half come from?”He asked. You shrugged, sighing. “Probably you.”You answered. “I cant believe you’d say that to me! You know im at a bad place in life and you put me in this terrible situation when you know that!”He fake cried, bursting into laughter.

“Kourtney dont laugh at me!”You exclaimed. You felt a vibration under your feet, hearing a loud, dramatic sigh and the sound of skin colliding. They had successfully moved the file cabinet, the door closing as their loud footsteps hit the floor as they entered your mother’s room again. Rafe took a moment to look around, sometimes forgetting that the room even existed.

It was the biggest room in the house, the ceiling going up at least twenty feet with only glass separating the room from the outside world. His mind wandered, thinking of all the fun nights the two of you could have in here watching the stars or listening to the rain.

The bed was large and still, the blankets and sheets unwrinkled and untouched. He understood why you were creeped out by the house now, feeling like he didnt belong in the room. You all took turns trying to figure out what the writing said, eventually deciding that it probably wasnt even in english. “Should we put it through google translate?”Rafe asked, staring at the paper.

Kelce shook his head. “Nah, its not reliable. I tried using it for spanish class in freshman year and I got detention.”He replied. “Well thats definitely not spanish. Maybe its like…. Ancient text.”Topper suggested, causing you to frown. “I highly doubt that my mother would know an ancient text.

Maybe we should just leave it.”You answered. Although you werent exactly satisfied with it you just didnt feel like spending your time trying to decode a random paper. They didnt seem satisfied either but didnt want to push you, putting the paper down on the desk where it would be safe from your footsteps.

Of course the boys just couldnt stay at the same place for long periods of time, deciding to suggest that you guys go out to a store to get some paint for the boring walls. You agreed, the four of you getting into your car instead of Rafe’s truck, locking all the doors and windows before you left.

Kelce didnt suggest a McDonalds run which caused you to frown, knowing that he was probably too stressed to want to eat. You guys went into Walmart with one goal, heading right for the paint section and looking at the wall of colors. “Lets get four colors and kind of just make it up as we go.”Kelce muttered, looking at all the different shades.

“We could all pick one out.”Topper suggested, reaching forward and picking a bright green. You agreed, picking a shade of light purple, watching as Kelce picked the color toffee biscuits and Rafe went for cotton blue. You doubted any of the colors would actually look good together but that wasnt the point of the project.

It was more about making the room look fun rather than nice. Kelce grabbed a few large paint brushes, the four of you leaving before you could get distracted by anything that you didnt need. Topper decided to get right to work, spilling some paint on the floor as he dragged the brush along the wall, creating bright stripes.

“I have an artistic vision! Trust the process!”He exclaimed, feeling your judgemental eyes on him. You didnt say anything, watching Kelce struggle to connect his phone to your speaker, playing the first song on his playlist.

Line without a hook. Topper looked over at you, almost like he was silently asking you if you had told the boys about his top secret playlist. You shrugged, not wanting to give anything away to the others.

“Oh my god, I love this song.”Rafe dunked his brush in the light blue, making a smiley face on the wall. “Can I paint an onion?”He asked. You raised your eyebrows, not understanding why he wanted to put an onion on the wall.

“Ogres are like onions! We have layers!”Kelce laughed. “Who is we? Are you an ogre, Kelce?”Topper asked, not taking his eyes off of the bright stripes, painting a circle on the top. “Topper Harry Katherine Thornton, are you painting a penis on my wall?”You asked, connecting the dots.

He grinned, ignoring you. “Of course not.”He replied, painting frantically so that you couldnt stop him, green drops rolling down the wall. You picked up your paint brush, painting two circles quicklly before pushing the brush into the center of each, laughing to yourself.

“Guys, really?”Rafe asked. “Cant we make the wall wholesome?”He asked. You shook your head, a smile on your face. “Says you of all people, Rafe.”You shook your head. “She got you there.”Topper replied, dragging the brush across the painting and blending it out so there was no longer a penis on your wall.

“What are you doing now?”You asked, wanting to one up him. “What are you doing now?” He mocked you. Somehow you ended up splashing Topper with paint and getting tackled into the mattress as he held the paintbrush over you, trying to get the bright green liquid on your face while you held his arm back.

“Im gonna murder you!”You laughed, rolling over under him so your face was against the mattress. “Im gonna paint your hair!”He laughed, holding the brush just above it. “Topper, dont mess with her hair.”Kelce took the brush away.

Topper groaned, falling next to you on the mattress. His eyes were closed, the sun from the window casting a beautiful glow over his face, a small smile tugging at the side of his mouth. You pressed a kiss to his cheekbone, your arm resting on his torso.

It didnt take long for painting to be forgotten, a few cheap bristles sticking to the wall with messes of colorful lines and unfilled shapes. The song changed, followed by a loud gasp from Rafe. “This is my favorite song!”He smiled, hitting his knees with his fists repeatedly.

He didnt know what about it made him so happy, whenever he heard it it reminded him of you guys. “You know what we should do?”Topper asked. “No.”Kelce replied while Rafe rewinded the song to listen to his favorite part again.

“We should make soup. Like, spicy soup with potatoes.”He replied, mouth watering. “We could just order soup.”Kelce replied, not in the mood to go downstairs and hunt for ingredients. “Order soup from where?”Topper asked. Kelce simply shrugged, shifting around and putting his arms under his body.

That had been a week ago. Since then a lot had happened. You guys had developed a system, Kelce could do his laundry on Saturdays, Rafe on Mondays and Topper’s just got mixed in with yours.

It was a love and hate relationship to have them there with you. You didnt regret your decision but sometimes things would get difficult. Grocery shopping was the worst since nobody could decide what they wanted and you had all agreed not to eat out as much.

“We need an actual meal, we cant just eat chips for everything.”Topper would grumble, realising he didnt even really know how to cook. That just lead to late flights of searching for recipes o pinterest and watching Gordon Ramsey tiktoks until they decided to try and make bake and shake chicken. That didnt really work out well, having to open all of your windows and get the smoke out of your house.

Then you guys decided to take a new approach, finding a ton of frozen pizzas and ingredients for sushi. Kelce was the only one who had any idea of what he was doing since he had always been talented in the kitchen, specifically with breakfast. That became more of a safe meal for you guys, making extra food in the morning to eat later for dinner until you got sick of toast, eggs and bacon.

Kelce ended up banishing you all to the pool so that he could decorate properly, vines hanging from the door ways and landscape tapestries hanging in your living room, hallway and your mother’s old bedroom. “How long do you think he’s gonna be?”You asked, floating on your back in the shallow end, letting out a yelp when Topper grabbed you and dragged you to the deep end.

“I dont know, probably like three days.”He replied, finally letting go once you were in the middle of the pool. “We could survive three days in the pool.��You replied, watching Rafe shake his head. “With my allergy to the sun?”He asked, making you turn over, going underwater for a moment. “You dont even sunburn.”You told him, splashing water in his direction before swimming away quickly so that he couldnt get back at you.

Kelce kept getting calls from his parents that were asking him to come home but he never did. They knew where he was, if they wanted him back so badly they’d drive over and take him away. “Guys, i’ve finished my creation.”Kelce announced, coming outside. “So we can come in now?”Topper asked, gripping the ledge of the pool and pulling himself out, falling onto his stomach as he struggled to get up.

“Yes, you can come in now! Hurry!”Kelce yelled excitedly before going back inside, waiting impatiently for you guys to hurry. Rafe helped you out of the pool, tossing you your towel so that you wouldnt trail water through your house. “Guys! Come on!”Kelce shouted again, the three of you walking across the hot pavement quickly.

“I’ll clean up the water after- just come see what I did!”He said again. You rolled your eyes, walking into the house. Goosebumps formed on y0our skin from the cool air, eyes widening as you looked at the kitchen. He had bought a plaid tablecloth for the table, vines hanging from the ceiling and doorways, a tie dye tapestry hanging in your living room. It looked like he had taken the time to wipe down every surface and vacuum any mess of broken spaghetti or eggshells that had been kicked under the fridge.

“Do you like it?”He asked, unable to read your shocked expression. “Kelce, im gonna be honest with you. I feel like im in pixie hollow right now.”You grinned, making him smile. “I think thats a good thing- but upstairs is better!’He exclaimed before making his way up the stairs. He was right.

There were marble heart shaped tiles hanging on the walls of the hall, a sign on the new hangout spot that was made out of drift wood. He opened the door, revealing bean bag chairs on the floor, a new carpet, a light yellow canopy hanging over the bed that had all new sheets and blankets on it as well.

He had even somehow managed to fix the paint on the wall so that there were different colored polka dots all over it. The boys seemed equally impressed, still taking it in. You hugged Kelce, not even caring that you’d get his clothes wet. “So I did good?” He asked, hugging you back. “You always do good.”You replied, feeling him hug you tighter.

“So you’re happy?”He asked, letting out a small sigh when you nodded. “I am happy, Kelce.”you replied, kissing him lightly. He smiled against you, taking in a deep breath. “I found a new recipe for fancy grilled cheese.”He told you, kissing your forehead. This was something that you loved about having them live with you.

@sweetlittlegingy @nicolefarley603 @ilikealotofpeople-younotsomuch @newsies-yeet @butgilinsky @jjjmaybank @gracelovesbroadway @one-stella @spn-marvel-nerd @lovelyelinor @chinamolina602 @sexytholland @28cnn @popcrone818 @fttayla @cherryobx @n1ghtsh4d3-67 @drewstarkeyobx @poguestyleskye @judayyyw @jjtheangel @jj-iz-bae@sunwardsss @meaganjm @sarcasticsagittarius1998 @natalie-kate-98 @nxsmss @broken-jj @joshy-obx @classygirlything @annmariek8 @stupidpendeja @killjoyybsinner @pink-meringues @outerbongs @copper-boom @httpstarkey @teenwaywardasgardian @simonsbluee @deionswannabegirl @jiaraendgame @khiaraaa-in-spacee @on-socks-off @abbiesthings @kindahavefeelingskindaheartless @dmonchld@annmariek8 @harryswigss @ibookofstars @lostaurorax @cheshirecat107

#topper x reader #topper thorton x reader #topper thorton imagine #topper thorton smut #topper thornton fluff #rafe cameron x you #rafe cameron imagine #rafe cameron smut #rafe cameron headcanon #kelce smith #kelce imagine #kelce x reader #kelce outer banks #the best boys

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sunshiinekisses · 3 years ago

Text

Sometimes it feels like i dont have anything to say to anyone, yet im exploding for anyone to have a stimulating conversation with me. Do we have anything in common, or do i just take care of you? Do we have conversations or is it forced small talk? distant friends who live together and touch. Then again the touch isnt even that good. Maybe for you, maybe i make you feel loved. Thats what ive always been good at, making people feel loved. I will take care of you, fiercely love you even if i dont know you and you dont deserve it. Its like scattering flower petals as i walk. sure its lovely to look at but the flower had to die to give you the petals. Plucked, cut up, and used for such small satisfaction.

While driving today i reflected on myself as i often do. this time more inquisitive than judgmental. Do i have any hobbies and what are they? Im still pondering this question. Cleaning? Watching movies? Getting high? What do i really even do? Who would be interested anyways? What is so stimulating about me? Sure i have a lot of things i want to do. I want to find my medium in art and i want to create something. I want to have a garden and i want to have house plants. I want to go to parks and go on walks and have a dog and live life, but what do i do instead? nothing. Maybe ill read into something i see online, or watch a video essay on youtube, that doesnt mean i am i smart, and that doesnt mean i even retained any of that information,

i know the “it girl” thing is trending and is also already very broken down. This isnt some riveting thing that im thinking about. I just thought that by 25 i would have done something for myself, maybe had some sort of routine, something to keep me healthy. Do i even have passion? I often find myself dreaming and imaging that i am already “ that girl “ and that i will one day stumble into that life, like it will just magically happen. I will be in love with everything i do, I will love life and my partner and life will feel the way it does when i romanticize it.

Am i held back? I have goals and i know that i am capable of doing things by myself, i get more things done that way. I do the things i want to do when im alone. I dont feel as stuck.

Stuck.

If i leave this i will have no one and no where anymore. we are so intertwined. Who would hear me, who would love me or invite me without you? Really im just a plus one. Im the shadow,. It reminds me of the first time i ever went to a party and the guy who took me (who onlt took me bc he wanted to fuck me, not becuase me knew a single thing about me at all) shushed me every time i spoke. he wanted me to be background noise. Later in the night, while we were walking home, i asked him if he realized he had been shushing me. “Oh im so sorry!” he exclaimed. I still fucked him. I still took care of him. I got sushed in return.

the point of this was to get it all out and it feels like i have but not in a good way. It feels like ive got what was flooding me out but i didint get to feel the good part. where is my release? and maybe one would say that this is just the top layer of healing. and you have to keep going, but i understand what i have done to myslef i have done the deeper healing i know what im doing. I choose peoeple who will never fully love me bc they dont fit with me, because they will always choose something or someone else over me. Beacuase i choose people who need help bc i need someone to help me. but i refuse to help myselkf or let anyone help me. i refuse to ask, i cant even physically ask for it. i wont even move my lips to ask someone to stop the car to go to the bathroom for chirst sake, Im a sham of a strong person and i wish someone would see that and just take care of me and give mw the love that i give everyone else. i want someone to hold me, i want someone to write me love letters and that thiks im funny and wants to have conversations and take pictures of me and thinks im their muse and i want the love to see im movies and read about im books but i cant even make it it work.

am i unlovable bc i dont even love myself? i just want to be seen and heard by you, i want you to know how much i love tou and i want you to love me that much back.. please love me that much back..

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quidfree · 4 years ago

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prompts,.,, fem tdbk and a date gone very wrong ? ❤️

ohhhh my god anon. pump this shit directly into my veins i love this whole premise let’s go. also all inspired by whatever the fuck horikoshi was doing in this

just so everyone is on the same page here, it is not a fucking date.

it’s lunch. a singular lunch. people do that shit all the time. even katsuki does lunch, sometimes. she went to that semi-shitty diner place with kirishima that one time when the food hall was shut because some dumbass first year exploded into goo or whatever. and todoroki does lunch, too- her and deku were on some shitty lunch date like a week ago, as evidenced by deku’s even shittier selfie of them having a grand old time doing whatever the fuck they do alone.

fuck, not a shitty lunch date. a shitty lunch. whatever.

the point is lunch is a normal non-date thing people do, and the fact katsuki and todoroki are maybe not the usual suspects for it is just circumstantial. it’s not like they planned it ahead of time, or made some big thing about it. they literally arranged for it in public, so obviously todoroki didn’t think there was anything weird about it. and there isn’t! they’re both going to be in tokyo on the same day, and todoroki’s always happy for any excuse to spend less time with her old man, and katsuki sure as fuck wouldn’t turn down an opportunity to avoid her hag of a birth-giver for a few blissful hours, so when todoroki had very nonchalantly gone ‘oh, bakugou, we could do lunch then”, it wasn’t like she had any real reason to tell her to go fuck herself. like, yeah, maybe a year ago, on principle, she would have, but even katsuki can only take so much trauma-bonding before she resigns herself to the reality that she’s stuck with half ‘n half for life, one way or another, and she may as well suck it up and approach civility because said moron is determined to ignore her open malice until she plays along anyways. they’re... you know, whatever. friends. or something. jesus.

the point being that it’s not a date, and the fact that she’s getting increasingly annoyed at her limited wardrobe is just because she would have packed more shit if the crone hadn’t insisted that they ‘pack light’ so they could get cheaper train tickets for less luggage. it’s just annoying that she can’t wear anything that’s not screaming holiday.

it occurs to her as she sits and scowls at her suitcase that her mother has been watching her from the doorframe for some undetermined amount of time, which is criminal mainly because she’s a goddamn hero-to-be and getting snuck up on by anyone is a blight upon her good name. she tries to disguise the ego damage dealt by glowering murderously in her progenitor’s direction.

“what the fuck do you want?”

“you know,” the she-devil says, cocking a hip, “if you want to borrow something nicer...”

“i wouldn’t be caught dead in your shitty clothes!” katsuki snarls, which prompts the witch to immediately scowl back.

“watch your damn mouth!”

“watch your waistline! no way in hell are we the same size!”

“why you little-”

the interruption at least reminds her that she is obsessing over her clothes ahead of meeting todoroki for lunch, which is so humiliating it kickstarts her brain again long enough to grab some normal shit and get the hell out of there.

on the walk she checks her phone again. the previous day she’d had to bite the bullet and make the first move, todoroki’s infamously terrible communication skills making themselves known once more, and their ensuing conversation had been so mortifying she’d nearly cancelled all-together.

to: Half ‘n half

Yo asshole are we still meeting tomorrow or what

I’m busy as shit

from: Half ‘n half

Yes. TS

to: Half ‘n half

What the fuck is TS

from: Half ‘n half

I was signing off.

to: Half ‘n half

SIGNING OFF ON YOUR OWN TEXT

YOU THINK I DONT KNOW YOUR DAMN NAME

from: Half ‘n half

[Pin attached]

Does here at 12.30 work for you?

to: Half ‘n half

Yeah whatever

Don’t be late

And don’t think I’m forgetting the fucking signing off thing

from: Half ‘n half

Glad you can make time for mockery in your busy as shit schedule.

the venue looks like some rich person shit, which she semi-expected, but it means a lot of people give her weird looks as she makes her way inside, probably on account of the shorts and t-shirt she’s wearing if not her general vibe. some old woman actually drags her purse to her, which makes katsuki sorely tempted to bare her teeth and maybe hiss for effect, though she settles for scowling and shoving her hands in her pockets. it’s 12.27, because she wasn’t going to be late but being any earlier would have given off some dubious impression that she’s eager to see todoroki, except now she kind of wishes she’d just come for 12.30 because if there’s some reservation bullshit she gets the feeling she’s going to start fighting with the waiting staff, and then-

“bakugou,” todoroki calls, from inside, raising a hand with unnecessary formality. “you made it.”

“course i made it,” katsuki grunts, absolutely not relieved as she by-passes the suspicious looking waiter to join her outside. “think i can’t ride the damn underground by myself?”

todoroki is wearing jeans cuffed at the ankles and a white t-shirt on top of which she’s thrown on an open button-up with the sleeves rolled up, and she looks casual and normal and incidentally kind of like they dressed to match, but the important part is that she doesn’t look dressed up at all, so katsuki was totally right about the non-date situation, and also isn’t the only one totally underdressed for the shitty venue.

“you look nice,” todoroki says then, completely shattering katsuki’s brief moment of reprieve. “i’ve never seen so much color on you.”

katsuki almost chokes on her own tongue, but the worst part is that the asshole seems completely nonchalant about the weird as shit observation, focused on her stool as she takes a seat on the balcony. which- what the actual fuck? since when does todoroki issue compliments unprompted- of the non-professional variety, at that? and what the fuck does she expect katsuki to say now- return the compliment? say thanks? is this whole thing some kind of exercise in psychological torture?

well, fuck it. she can’t look like a little bitch just because todoroki said something inanely positive. two can play that game.

“yeah. you look half decent yourself. did you hire someone to dress you for the occasion?”

todoroki blinks up at her in surprise, which is totally a win and would make her more smug if she could stop feeling so weird and prickly all over. for a dangerous moment todoroki seems on the verge of blushing, but miraculously the world rights itself and the usual deadpan persists, one brow quirking up in completely feigned ineptitude.

“there was a compliment somewhere in there, so thank you, i think. i thought we were past this vendetta.”

“we’ll be past this vendetta the day you burn your piece of shit hero suit,” katsuki retorts, back on familiar ground, and relaxes long enough to squint down at the menu.

this turns out to be a mistake.

“the fuck? is this whole thing in french?”

“oh,” todoroki says, after a beat. “that makes sense. i thought my english had deteriorated.”

“are you- you didn’t know? you recommended the place!”

“it was the nearest place to our hotel,” todoroki defends, now having the decency of looking slightly put out. “coq can’t mean what i think it means, can it?”

“that’s chicken, asshole,” katsuki hisses, flinging the menu down. “great, now we’re going to have to flag down one of the shithead waiters and ask for a japanese menu. excuse me! hey! yeah, i’m talking to- what the hell, did he just blow me off? hey, jackass! you with the shitty mustache!”

“sorry about that,” todoroki interjects, when mustache asshole turns an offended stare their way. “do you have the japanese menu?”

“we only serve the food in its authentic form,” mustachioed asshole says, with frigid self-satisfaction. “might i suggest google translate?”

“might i suggest my foot up your ass, you shitty-”

“that’s fine,” todoroki says, in a flat tone that implies otherwise. “we’ll make do.”

the waiter sniffs pretentiously as katsuki thinks about all the ways she could beat his ass into next tuesday, running an aggravated hand through her hair when the wind rustles it into her face. she’d half expect todoroki to suggest they fuck off elsewhere, but when she looks back her way she finds an ill-boding gleam of determination in her eyes despite the impassive set to her face, and it’s a testament to how fucked in the head ua has made katsuki that she feels a sort of sick thrill of recognition at the sight. todoroki’s in stubborn bitch mode.

“i’ll have this,” todoroki says, sure enough, pointing to the most expensive item on the menu. “and also this. and one of those.”

the waiter’s eyes nearly pop out of his skull, and todoroki looks unfazed in katsuki’s direction, tapping pointedly at a sleek black and red credit card in her wallet. “bakugou?”

well, if endeavour’s paying....

“sure,” katsuki says, slowly, and then turns her meanest smile the waiter’s way. “i want the frog legs.”

mustache clears his throat, attempts condescension. “we don’t serve that here.”

“you’re a gastronomique restaurant,” katsuki says very loudly, as other clients turn to stare, “and you don’t have fucking frog legs? is this a joke? does this napkin say authentic french cuisine or am i hallucinating?”

“i can ask the chef,” the waiter demurs, casting a nervous glance at the muttering snobs nearby, and attempts an ingratiating smile. “anything else for you, mademoiselle?”

“what did you just call me?”

once the ordering debacle is over, todoroki slants katsuki what may well be an apologetic glance, vaguely contrite frown sitting pretty atop her usual dead-eyed stare.

“i probably should have read up on the place ahead of time.”

katsuki is well within her rights to chew her head off, she thinks, but food’s on the way and she got to yell at the asshole who gave her the once-over when she came in, so she’s feeling forgiving, even in the face of todoroki’s annoyingly doll-faced apology. the bitch really has to do the bare minimum and she looks like a fucking kpop idol.

“yeah, whatever. i always knew you were a shitty ops planner.”

todoroki, who is an asshole, looks relieved at her generous forgiveness for all of a second before she quirks a brow. “between the two of us, i only count one person who has actually spoken the words ‘shoot first, ask questions later’.”

“that was in a training simulation,” katsuki protests, outraged. “and you know damn well the actors were annoying as shit!”

“i did find them slightly too committed to the role,” todoroki concedes neutrally, which totally means she agrees with katsuki 100% and is being precious about it. katsuki scoffs.

“least the view’s decent.”

“the-“ todoroki starts, in weirdly confused tones, until she follows katsuki’s gaze outward and nods in understanding. “oh, the skyline. yes.”

what else katsuki could have meant she doesn’t fucking know: they’re sitting pretty in the middle of tokyo. the only thing the hellhole of a restaurant has going for it at this point is the cityscape.

todoroki stares out into the distance for a good long moment, and with the breeze her negligently loose hair whips this way and that, red and white blur where the two halves mingle. instinctively katsuki itches to braid it flat so it doesn’t tangle. if todoroki asked her she’d tell her to just cut her damn hair into a bob or something- it’s not like icyhot has any attachment to her princess hair, and she’s got the obnoxious bone structure to pull off any length. not that she’d mention this last part. or that she’s given it much thought. it’s just fucking obvious.

if todoroki could keep her mouth shut throughout the rest of the meal, it could be sort of nice. tokyo skyline, and companionable silence, and presumably edible food. worse ways to kill some time, and way less incriminating than anything that may be said otherwise.

“i think this is the part where we make small talk,” todoroki says instead, sadist that she definitely is, as katsuki grimaces feelingly her way.

“no, we don’t.”

“well, we don’t. but this is the part where we should.”

“i don’t even believe you can last a minute of small talk, icyhot.”

todoroki looks pensive, mismatched eyes thoughtful. “...how has your day been?”

“uneventful,” katsuki says, combative, and eyes her watch. todoroki does not give.

“this place seems nice.”

“you don’t even think that.”

“how have you been finding tokyo?”

“noisy.”

“the weather seems-”

“no.”

“you look nice.”

“you said that already, dumbass,” katsuki grunts, palms crackling with sweat, and does not at all read into the way todoroki makes a stupid little movement with her mouth that could ungenerously be interpreted as a pout.

“well, i meant it, so i’m saying it twice.”

“give it up, half ‘n half, just ask me about training.”

“...how is your training?”

“i did this thing yesterday,” katsuki starts, leaning back in her chair, and from then launches into a very technical and barely exaggerated retelling of the batshit insane stunt she pulled off with her quirk the day prior. todoroki’s focused attention is gratifying, in a totally platonic non-weird way- it’s just that her parents couldn’t very well follow why exactly said stunt was as insane as it is, but todoroki obviously can, and also there’s that thing with todoroki where pulling a reaction out of her ice queen act is admittedly more satisfying than most people. it has jack shit to do with the fact katsuki’s got a very minor complex about todoroki paying her her dues, and even if it did then that’s entirely fucking reasonable considering she still hasn’t forgiven her for the sports fest incident.

it is a little weird having todoroki’s sole focus on her outside of hero shit, though. it’s not like they really hang out one on one outside of school or work. it’s kind of- unnerving. yeah. unnerving, to be making prolonged eye contact, todoroki’s expression intent but not intense the way she gets in fight scenarios, frowning lightly because she has resting bitch face but apparently genuinely interested. it’s kind of a relief that todoroki asks questions- moves them safely into a conversation, so katsuki’s not just sitting there talking and sort of dry-throated. fucking waiter, leaving them water-less.

it’s fine. they talk about training, and quirks, and then todoroki pushes her hair behind her ears and leans forward to demonstrate on a small scale this thing she’s trying to do where she melts her ice and refreezes it in rapid succession so it causes what is essentially ice rain, but there’s logistics and shit that need to be worked out for it to work the way she’s thinking it might, and katsuki knows her thermal shit so they start scrawling maths over the napkins, and then bicker over the finer points of first year chemistry, so when the food actually arrives to interrupt them todoroki’s startled blink is weirdly relatable, like she also forgot where they were.

the waiter’s there and gone before they’re really recovered from the brief misplacement, which katsuki registers only when she looks down at her empty glass.

“goddamnit- how hard is it to bring us water?”

“they only offer sparkling,” todoroki says, gravely, then outpaces katsuki’s disgust by placing her hand over her glass, ice rising before she switches hands and melts it down. “tell me if the temperature’s off.”

intensely mollified and trying not to look it, katsuki sips it. “’s fine.”

“okay,” todoroki says, faintly pleased, and tilts her head to look down at her food. “i have no idea what any of this is.”

“moron,” katsuki snorts, except it comes out way fonder than it has any rights to, and from beneath the convenient curtain of hair todoroki’s smiling a little, so she hastily stabs a frog leg and gets to eating before anyone gets any ideas.

the actual meal goes okay-ish. most of the stuff todoroki ordered is extremely pretentious french cuisine, and todoroki secretly has the culinary adventurousness of a five year old, so it befalls katsuki to impatiently attempt every dish and pronounce it edible before todoroki will deign to brave it. she’s still trying to bully an unyielding todoroki into attempting the weird bird soup thing when there’s commotion nearby. it takes the both of them approximately three seconds to spring into work-mode; katsuki’s on her feet poised for a fight before she’s even consciously thought about it, scanning her peripherals, and she doesn’t even need to look to feel todoroki unconsciously covering her back, cool sting of air signalling her quirk at the ready.

the commotion turns out just to be some old dumbass choking, relaxing them both out of their stances as she falls back to let todoroki ahead. they’re both uber-qualified for first aid shit, but she’s self-aware enough to know even todoroki’s bland reassurances are usually preferred to her bedside manner. unfortunately, the whole entourage seems to be braindead, because they’re all crowding the old guy in a panic while he chokes, his wife in shrieking hysterics.

“oh, my god, he’s choking! he’s choking! sugar-plum, stay with me!”

“fuck me,” katsuki mutters, unethically thinking that she would personally prefer choking to being married to someone who calls her sugar-plum, but todoroki’s pushing ahead with implacable calm, so she trudges after her anyways.

“excuse me. excuse me. i need access to your husband.”

“who are you? don’t touch him! help! get this woman off my husband!” wailing hysteric yells, bosom heaving dramatically. katsuki is starting to suspect she poisoned him on purpose or some shit, because no way does anyone talk like that in real life.

“she’s a fucking qualified first aid provider, lady, shut up and let her through!”

thankfully, the woman seems on the verge of an outrage aneurysm, which drags her focus away from suffocating her choking husband to dramatically pointing at katsuki long enough for todoroki to duck past her and reach the guy as he turns purple.

“how dare you speak to me that way? who do you think you are?”

“ma,” chinless moron number one says, clearing his throat. “i think that’s one of those future pros from TV.”

“what?”

“you know, ma,” chinless moron number two adds, glancing nervously between them. “the one that explodes things. you know. from UA.”

katsuki takes great pleasure in watching recognition dawn in the old cow’s beady eyes, but in any event there’s a hacking noise and then the old man’s coughing out a bone into his plate as todoroki steps noiselessly back from the table.

“he’s fine now. enjoy your dinner.”

“god, that was gross,” katsuki says, as they ignore the woman’s sputtering and return to their seats. todoroki tilts her head.

“not really. if he’d thrown up it would have been.”

“not the choking guy,” katsuki scoffs, casting a glance back his way. “his wife. talk about theatrics.”

“she seemed more afraid of us than her husband dying.”

“for good reason,” katsuki mutters darkly, spreading out in her chair. “i hate civilians.”

“i don’t think she recognised us,” todoroki counters, pensive, and absent-mindedly takes a bite of the weird soup before she screws her face up like a betrayed kid. “oh. you didn’t say it was sweet.”

the look on her face thoroughly distracts katsuki from asking what other reason the pearl-clutcher could possibly have to be so terrified at the mere sight of them; instead, she chokes back a laugh, stifling a grin. “what are you, five?”

“i don’t think i like this,” todoroki says, mournful, which makes katsuki grin harder. she can’t help it- todoroki looking stupid is her kryptonite.

“then don’t pick a restaurant where you can’t read the menu, next time.”

todoroki’s midway to looking up, but for some reason her expression transforms instantaneously, which makes katsuki reflexively try to quash her amusement. todoroki always gets weird when she’s smiling.

“next time?”

motherfuck. obviously she didn’t mean next time like next time, she meant next time like- hypothetically, in the future, when todoroki’s on a lunch date with someone else. a lunch non-date. she’s just about stopped sputtering furiously long enough to try and express this sentiment when it occurs to her that todoroki seems- pleased, one eye soft sky-blue when katsuki accidentally meets it, and that draws her up short long enough that she ends up just muttering lamely to herself. fucking todoroki.

on the heels of this utter embarrassment, she downs the rest of her water, scowls in a neat 180 at everything in sight, and wonders for the first time in her life how the fuck extras get through dates. not that this is one.

it’s fine. they’re done eating, and no one’s died, and katsuki is no longer fifteen and thus mostly trusts her ego to lick its wounds and recover from the ordeal. even if they stick around for desert that’s only another half hour of this to endure. as long as todoroki doesn’t make any sudden moves they’ll be fine.

...the problem is, of course, that sudden moves are todoroki’s modus operandi. katsuki has not forgotten the bitch calling them friends on national television in the same breath that she was vociferously denying them being anything of the sort. in todoroki’s fucked up brain, they’re always ten steps ahead of whatever they actually are- considering katsuki’s come around to privately acknowledging she’d take a couple more stakes through the gut for the asshole, in todoroki’s world they're practically hitched.

platonically. platonically practically hitched. this is not a thing, goddamnit. no matter the weird looks aizawa’s been giving them, or utsushimi’s nefarious schemes, or the alarming cardiopulmonary condition katsuki’s been developing of late. she’s not some shitty yuri protagonist pining over the nearest female bishōnen in her vicinity.

admittedly if she was to pine over anyone it sure as fuck wouldn’t be some guy, but that’s besides the point, since pretty damn near every person on earth is just some guy by her standards, regardless of gender. the fact that todoroki is not one of said people is entirely irrelevant.

her internal irritation is so distracting that she misses the tremors nearby until entirely too late, by which point todoroki’s stupidly perfect brows raise an incremental fraction and she goes: ‘oh’.

when todoroki goes ‘oh’, some shit is about to go down.

katsuki turns slowly with an impending sense of doom, and sure enough, the sight that greets her is so nightmarish she seriously reconsiders whether the entire day has been just that.

“don’t freak out,” a giant building-sized deku booms, apologetically, as his hideous giant face stares at them. “it’s just a quirk thing.”

it’s probably a good thing katsuki has gone speechless with outrage, since it permits todoroki’s constantly composed ass to ask useful questions katsuki probably would have coated in a fair amount more threats and cursing.

“midoriya. i didn’t know you were in tokyo.”

“well, i wasn’t meant to be,” deku says/booms like a foghorn, as the restaurant clientele shrieks and stampedes behind them. his sheepish expression is even more punchable when magnified. “it’s a long story. it’s almost sorted out now, though. i just saw you guys from over at the NPA office and thought i’d come ask if you maybe wouldn’t mind lending a hand? i wouldn’t ask but there’s going to be a lot of cleanup and your quirks would be really helpful to-”

“we’ll do it as long as you shut the fuck up,” katsuki yells, to cut him off, massaging her temples. “the monologuing’s bad enough when you’re not about to burst my fucking eardrums, jackass.”

“oh, sorry! i’m trying to be very quiet but this body’s just hard to get used to- thank you so much for helping, i didn’t mean to come bother you on break...”

“it’s fine,” todoroki says, and then seems to realise that her monotone doesn’t reach midoriya’s giant-ass ears and clears her throat, raising her voice to a shout. “it’s fine. let me go deal with the bill and then we’ll go.”

“sorry?” midoriya whisper-shouts, craning his monstrous head closer to them, the sight of which will haunt katsuki for the rest of her life. “i can’t hear what you’re saying!”

“she said she’s going to go pay for our nice fucking lunch,” katsuki hollers, with no small sense of satisfaction, as deku winces and todoroki slinks off. “since you want to come crashing it like a dipshit.”

“sorry, kacchan!” deku begs off, flapping hand gestures creating enough wind to knock over a nearby umbrella stand. “i just thought it would be a lot of help if you came to oversee the fall-out- especially with the building damage-”

“we’re good,” todoroki announces, to katsuki, apparently having given up on matching her in decibels. she’s got that classic hero look on her face, already in work mode, but just when katsuki’s about to do the same and jump into action, the look wavers a little and she frowns vaguely awkwardly. “thanks for doing lunch.”

“huh?” katsuki stutters, thrown, and then scowls at nothing in particular, stalling. todoroki’s the one who paid, albeit indirectly- it’s typically weird of her to be all formal about it all of a sudden, leaving katsuki to attempt to wriggle them out of the awkwardness of the moment. “i didn’t do shit except show up and eat, weirdo.”

“it’s been abnormally hard to show up and eat in the circumstances,” todoroki replies, a little wryly, and more concerningly a little resigned sounding. which is just unnatural, because todoroki may have expanded her range of emotions considerably since first year but resignation is not on her usual roster, and there’s nothing to be resigned about unless she had some kind of vested interest in this whole fiasco playing out any better than it did.

which she didn’t, obviously. katsuki’s been through this. she chose the nearest possible venue and rocked up in jeans and a t-shirt, and- and why is the fact that todoroki never dresses so normally out of class only now occurring to her, again?

she’d said ‘i think this is the part where we do small talk’. the part of what?

“yeah, whatever,” katsuki says, automatically, as her brain plays catch-up, which is the excuse she will forever stick to for what leaves her mouth next. “should have known you’d be a lousy date.”

todoroki goes ‘what?’ at the same moment deku does, ten times louder and more bug-eyed, which reminds katsuki that 1) deku is still there, 2) deku is still as big as his martyr complex, and 3) deku is the fucking worst, and allowing him to trap her into friendship is somehow responsible for this, she’s sure of it.

“can we go handle this fucking mess or what?” katsuki snaps, instead of screaming or breaking deku’s very large nose or maybe self-immolating in abject humiliation, hands erupting into explosions as she jumps onto the balcony railing. maybe if she throws herself headfirst into the debris she’ll concuss herself and turn amnesiac.

“um,” deku is saying, when she turns a withering glare his way. “um, yes! yes! yeah! let’s go do that!”

so she jumps skywards, explosions blasting her high into the air, and very scrupulously does not look towards the sounds of slick ice forming just behind her until todoroki skates into her peripheral vision, hair waving flag-like behind her. ahead there’s a building with a crater clean through it where deku must have erupted from, though when she turns to comment she finds him a fair deal behind them, lumbering pace slowed further as he avoids stepping on anyone or anything along the streets. instead her eyes lock on todoroki’s where the latter is staring at her, face unreadable, and she bristles hard enough to disrupt trajectory, correcting course rapidly before she plummets into an office.

“what?”

“i’m a lousy date,” todoroki repeats, neutrally, over the wind. katsuki grits her teeth.

“and what about it?”

she’s bracing for a lot, but not the horrible, sickening eye-crinkle thing todoroki does, dark eye twinkling even as her expression stays carefully impassive. “you think you can do better, then?”

“hah?”

“next time,” todoroki intones, very precisely, and then dips ahead like a complete coward as katsuki goes a color never previously visible to the human eye, sifting through about fifteen emotions before she decides to stick to outrage.

“what the hell? you suck at asking people out, icyhot!”

“you don’t have to say yes.”

“what, you think i can’t do better than this mess? you’re on, asshole.”

“i look forward to it,” todoroki says, gravely, and then there’s a collapsed building to handle and shit to do and if anyone wants to ask why katsuki is so especially gleeful in blowing shit up they wisely keep their mouths shut. she just likes the job, all right.

(for the record, it’s still not a date until katsuki says it is.)

#qui repond #qui ecrit #anon #prompts #tdbk #todobaku #fem todobaku #fem todo #fem baku

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too-much-sunshine · 4 years ago

Text

Fangs for the Hospitality

Chapter 7

Fic Summary: After Roman leaves his family reunion mad at Remus, his car breaks down. The huge snow storm forces him into the forest hes always been told to stay away from. Who will he meet? And why are they being so nice? Most importantly, why are his teeth so sharp?

A/N: I’m so very sorry this chapter took so long to come out…Life happens my guys gals and nonbinary pals.... Ill try and be better!

Relationship: Familial DAM, Eventual Roceit, Eventual Intrulogical

Warnings (per chapter): Roman has social anxiety, he is awkward, food (Let me know if anything else!)

Catch up!: Master list, Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6

Word Count: 2546

Read on AO3!

Patton and Virgil finished their food first; Patton grabbing both their plates from the table and bringing them into the kitchen. Little Virgil hurried off his chair to follow after him.

Roman watched the two go with a small smile. He remembers how he and his brother used to be that close.

Flinching slightly remembering the newest memory he has of his brother, he looked down and away from the boys. He ended up staring at his plate which he had only half eaten. He was starting not to feel as hungry anymore.

“Eat up dear, we have a big day in front of us." Janus chimed in.

Roman jumped slightly and looked up to the man who spoke. Janus picked up his wine glass and took a drink. Roman just now realized that Janus never had a plate of food to begin with.

"Aren't you going to eat something too?" He enquired.

"Oh no I've already eaten. Before I fixed you guys' breakfast to make sure it all went smoothly." Janus smiled, taking another sip.

"Oh...alright.." Roman looked back down frowning at his food. He felt dumb for asking, even though it wasnt an ovious answer. His stomach was turning a bit pushing the food around. He didn't want to seem wasteful or ungrateful, but he knew that his anxiety wouldn't let him finish what he had. Luckily the decision on what to do was made for him.

An arm came around Roman and picked up his plate for him. Startled, Roman looked behind himself to see Janus standing there holding Romans plate. He was so quiet Roman didn't even realise he had gotten up.

"It's okay if you don't want the rest, sweetheart. You seem to have been through a lot."

Blushing slightly Roman just nodded his head, avoiding eye contact.

"Yeah sorry...I'm just not..okay right now." He responded weakly.

"Let's clean up a bit and I'll send the kids to play. Then we can talk a bit." Janus said over his shoulder while walking Roman's plate to the kitchen.

Roman didn't respond since it didn't sound like a question. He just crossed his arms and laid his head on the table. 'This is going to be tough…' he thought as Janus came back into the room with Virgil on hip.

~~~

Remus woke up with a startle, which was quite usual. He didn't ever really sleep that well. Constant nightmares and his lanky figure made it impossible to ever get comfortable anyway.

It also didn't help that Remy just poured a glass of cold water on his head.

"What the fuck!?" Remus shouted jumping up from the couch he was on, shivering as water dripped down his spine. Wait, couch?

"Bitch. Wake up." He said monotone. "You were like. Twitching and shit. Not a good look."

"Yeah, thanks. I'm sure there was no better way to wake me up.” Remus pulled his shirt over his head and squeezed out as much water as he could. There wasn't much there, but it was a statement. Remy looked at Remus with disgust as he put his shirt back on.

“Remind me where am I again? What time is it? It's not the first time I've woken up in a random apartment but it's been a while. Much less with my cousin...wrong state for that I believe..." He rambled, pushing his wet hair out of his face. He looked around for his phone while Remy went around the back on the couch to the kitchen area.

"First of all, disgusting. Never say that to me again. And second, Its around 6am. Which is usually too god damn early for anyone. But, you're lucky I like you and Roman." He said, grabbing a mug from the dark wood cabinet. "Oh also you are in my apartment so dont fuck shit up please."

Remus lifted his head from looking under the couch. He tilted his head to the side like a confused puppy, blinking around the room. He stood up and walked around a the table to the center of the room to see pretty much everything there is.

"Your apartment? I thought you lived in like...a mansion with your parents."

The place was actually quite small. A connected half kitchen and living room. Small tv on a small stand behind a coffee table in front of the light brown couch. There seemed to be two rooms off to the side, but the doors were closed. There was one window in the kitchen, and that was it. A few movie posters were on the wall and nick knacks but otherwise the place looked...normal. it wasn't very fancy, which is the opposite of what Remus expected.

"This is my secret apartment. The one where I go when I don't want to worry about being me. Don't tell anyone, you're lucky I let you be here!" Remy snapped.

Remus continued to look around but said nothing more, feeling that he had crossed a line somewhere.

Remy let out a long sigh and stopped making his drink. With his back turned to Remus he spoke again.

"Look.. I'm sorry. It's been a long night and now it's going to be a long day. I'm tired. Your phone is under the couch by the way."

"What? I looked there,” He said as he dropped back to his knees to check again, “ and It's fine. Just. Why are we worried ag-" and like a flip was switched, all the memories of last night flooded Remus' brain and he snapped up with his phone in hand. "ROMAN! have you found him? Where could he be!?" Remus raced into the kitchen, running into Remy.

"Did you call anyone!? God he must be so mad! I'm the worst!" Remus continued pacing the room.

"Calm down! Of course I've called everywhere! But havent had any luck! It's only 6am so I couldn't call his work but I will when I can. I thought before then we could drive the way he went. See if he went home at all. The front desk at his apartment said they didn't see him come in last night but they could have missed him. It'll be a drive to get back to the countryside but we can make it. Here babe." He handed Remus a canister. "Its coffee. In the god awful way you like it."

"OoOooO thanks!" Remus said, taking a swig of the chocolaty, sweet coffee. "So. Are we gonna start with his apartment first?"

"I think it's closer to here and the most likely place he is, yeah let's start there. But listen babes. He might be real mad still so don't push him alright?"

"I'm really worried, Remy. And I'm not usually like this...he's not usually mad like that either...I know I messed but ughhhhhh! Let's just go find him before I explode all over your nice, secret walls okay?"

"Gross hun... let's just go." Remy said, grabbing the keys hanging by the front door.

With that Remus followed Remy out to the hall of the building. After locking the door they took the elevator to Remy's car, but not the nice one he took last night.

"Where did this come from?" Remus asked, taking a seat on the passenger side.

"Last night I borrowed my dad's car and drove them there. But we took a carpool home. I told them I wanted to go out longer and they didn't question." Remy responded by turning the ignition key. "This car was the first I bought with only money I made. It's a piece of shit. And I love it." He finished pulling out of the parking space and turning onto the busy road.

Remus looked around the car. It seemed normal by any standard. Kinda small, a little dirty but it looked taken care of. Remus would have never have expected Remy to want to live like this. To each their own he supposed. It must be nice, he supposed, not having to keep up a facade all the time...

"I had to do some research but I found where Roman lived. Have you ever been there? I haven't, so I might be wrong on the address." Remy broke Remus' train of thought.

Remus had to think on this question for a second, to restart his brain. Had he? He never really questioned it. He'd been to many of Romans homes before but had he been to this one? He couldn't recall..

"I don't think so but if the front desk recognized his name then he must live there."

"Yeah...that's what I thought too.." Remy said slightly nervously. He started tapping his fingers on the wheel as he drove.

"Why are you acting like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like weird.."

"I don't think I know what you mean.." Remy said ignoring Remus' tone.

"Listen dude what's up…"

"I just...this isn't the best area of town. I live in my apartment about 75% of the time to escape my parents. I know this town, along with the areas to avoid. I was hoping I was wrong and he lived somewhere else. But let's just go there and make sure he's alright. Alright?"

"Alright.." Remus ended.

The rest of the ride was quiet as Remus just looked out the window. He had never been to this part of the main town before. He knew that there was a...not so great part of town. Every town has that. But this place looked run down. Old.

Most of the buildings seemed empty. Junk was thrown on the sidewalks, forgotten about. The road and sidewalks were cracked. The people walking around looked dull. It was hard to believe that this is the same town Remus lived in, just a different part of it. A part that Roman lived in…

Remus laid back in his seat staring forward as Remy pulled into a parking lot.

"Welp. We're here..I think. I'm actually quite surprised this place has a front desk at all if I'm being honest.. let's go. I'll ask which apartment is his." Remy encouraged.

Slowly Remus got out of the car and together they walked into the old building.

There was a front desk, surprisingly. Even more surprising was that there was a person behind it.

There was a short lady behind the desk reading a very worn book. She had snow white hair and dark brown skin. He had both laugh and frown lines in her face. She looked as if she watched them build the whole town.

Remy took a deep breath and walked up to the desk and started to talk.

"Hi my name is Remy and I believe we talked on the phone late last night. We are looking for my cousin Roman. Do you know the apartment number?"

The woman didn't look up from her book, so, thinking she might not have heard him he awkwardly tried to speak up again.

"Umm...excuse me…? He said a bit louder"

Still, nothing. Remus shrugged his shoulders when Remy looked over to him.

"Don't look at me! I don't know what to do!" Remus whisper-shouted.

"Bish! You work with people! I don't! Talk to her!" He whispered back.

"Ugh! That's not how it works bitch!"

“I’m sure it helps!”

"Will you two shut up?!" Someone yelled. "This book is just getting good and you two are ruining it!"

Remy and Remus snapped their heads over the voice coming from behind the desk. The old woman was scowling at them harshly.

"Sorry ma'am. Just looking for our friend. Which apartment is Roman Kingsleys?" Remy questioned quickly.

"Oh Roman?” The womens face opened up into a long smile. “What a sweet boy," her demeanor completely changed as if she was talking about a lifelong friend. "He didn't come home last night...probably at the theater, still. Poor boy. Always working. He's in 103 on the second floor. But I doubt he's home. I've been here all day. It wouldn't be the first time he's fallen asleep on stage" She let out a laugh that sounded like a mix between a window being wiped and a cackle.

After recovering slightly from the whiplash they just got from the woman, they thanked her and turned to walk to the stairs.

"Hold on now!" she stalked after them. They both froze in place. "Why do the likes of you want to go to his house? I can't just let anyone in!" She stopped right next to Remus. She barely came up to his shoulder, yet she was still terrifying.

"I'm his brother! And this is his cousin! We are just here to say hi…" Remus uttered quickly. He didn't know why this woman made him so anxious. His family was 100 times scarier yet this woman shook him up. Something in the back of Remus' brain told him it was about threat vs action but he ignored that.

"You better not be lying! That boy is the nicest person to walk in this hellhole." She sneered.

"No ma'am! Just here to see him!" Remy countered. "I-if you don't mind me asking though, how long has he lived around here?"

"Some cousin and brother you are if you don't know where he lives!" She laughed. Remy and Remus shuffled nervously in place. "He's lived here for about…. Ohh going on 3 years now? I think. He always tried to brighten this place up with flowers whenever he could. Recently though he's been staying inside more. Poor child. I miss his humor. Tell him to come down here if he's up there! Give him a piece of my mind!" She finished as she stomped back to her desk, picking up her book and sitting in place, as if she never moved.

Remy and Remus smartly decided not to comment further. They continued their walk to the stairs. Each step was a bit wobbly but since there was no elevator, they had no choice. Though, judging by the look of things, they wouldn't have trusted the elevator anyway.

The walls had long straggling cracks going in each direction. At one point it looked like the walls might have been painted a baby blue or a similar shade. But years of no upkeep has left it looking grey at best. Cobwebs were strung up as if it was halloween decorations. The air smelled old and musty. The faint sound of dripping water could be heard from seemingly anywhere in the building. Yet it was eerily quiet as the boys approached Roman's apartment.

His door didn't stand out among the rest, which made Remus sad for some reason. He remembered when he would insist in the house that his door be painted a deep red color. Not it was just...bland.

They both arrived at the door and stopped. They looked at each not quite knowing who should do what. Finally Remus had had enough and spoke up.

"What the fuck are we doing!? This is dumb. This trepidation is dumb! This isn't some horror fantasy bullshit! Let's go!" He shouted reaching for Roman's door handle. Slightly surprising both Remus and Remy, it opened.

Shaking the surprise off Remus busts through the door.

"ROMAN! GET YO BITCH ASS UP!"

Taglist (ask to tag!):

@primaveradoodles @bluerosesbleedred

#sanders sides #familial anxceit #familial moceit #ts roman #ts remus #ts remy #roman has ~Anxiety~#ts janus #ts virgil #ts patton

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beautifuldarkmind · 3 years ago

Note

tw // s*lf harm, su*cidal ideation (sorry)

Hey, it’s the creepy NHS anon here.

Thank you for responding to my ask! I’m sorry you had such a rough time getting a diagnosis. You shouldn’t have had to go through all of that. Honestly it sucks that the NHS is so reluctant to diagnose anything mental health related.

When I was 14 I thought I had depression and anxiety. I finally convinced my mum to take me to the doctors when I was 16. The doctor was super nice. She tested my thyroid function just to make sure nothing else was causing my feelings, then referred me to CAMHS. That was…an interesting experience. I remember asking my counsellor to diagnose me, but then at the next session she said she couldn’t, that it “wouldn’t be helpful” because I was still growing. Now that I think about it, one of the days I was at school and during a class I was furious for some reason. I even said to a classmate that I was willing to fight anyone who got in my way. Despite my mum disagreeing with me, I cancelled my appointment that day. (My mum was worried they’d stop my sessions all together if I cancelled, but they didn’t.)

Fast toward to recent years and I’ve been on and off attempting to get a diagnosis. Last year (so when I was about 18) I asked to be referred to the autism clinic, and thankfully the GP accepted, but the clinic is still closed and even when it’s open I’ll still have to wait, possibly several years. Then I made another appointment (different GP) to be referred to a psychiatrist. She refused, saying that GPs are trained to deal with mental health issues. I brought up OCD, so she asked where I got my information from. When I told her I researched it online, she just brushed it off and then did the typical depression/anxiety test and she said both were severe, then said “take some drugs” (which is didn’t because I didn’t trust taking drugs prescribed by someone who did a 3 minute yes/no type quiz without actually fully exploring my issues).

I spoke to a different GP just over a month ago to get a fit note for my Universal Credit. It was supposed to just be to make adjustments to what I was supposed to do, but he didn’t ask what the note was for, so he marked unfit for work. Which is great because that’s secretly what I wanted but feared being judged by people around me for thinking I needed that (particularly my parents). I mentioned that I thought I could have OCD and CPTSD, and he didn’t deny it but he simply said CBT helps for both. He then asked if I was currently doing CBT and I said I’d done it before but I quit. (That’s a whole other story but tldr I really don’t think it was for me, or at least the “therapist” wasn’t.) He said he would send a self referral link.

Fast forward to a few days ago and I had another appointment with him to discuss my fit note (because it only lasts for a month and you have to go back to renew it, which sucks). He asked if I had referred myself to CBT and I said I hadn’t yet because I didn’t want to, and he said “please do that for me” in a somewhat stern voice. I then brought up BPD and I think he said he would refer me? Honestly I was a bit overwhelmed because he called 40 mins early and I was in the car with my dad, so I was super weary of him asking questions about what I was saying to the doctor (but he didn’t). He then brought up PD support groups, which I’m considering doing, but you have to call up the place and I literally hate phone calls. Oh, speaking of which, all the appointments from the autism one onwards were all on the phone, so not only was I struggling to process what they were saying to me most of the time, but I was also so anxious that I couldn’t articulate my feelings properly. :)

Anyways, I am 20 now, which I only mention because I feel the same as what you mentioned. My brother is married, my childhood crush is married, my friend who I introduced to my friend group who then proceeded to discard me is getting married. Everyone seems to know exactly what they’re doing. They all have friends. But not me. I haven’t had friends since I was 14, and even then I don’t think that friend group was entirely wholesome. They made me feel like an outcast, like I was weird, that I needed to be more like them and not be like me. Which has probably contributed to me having a very vague sense of identity. And I feel like I’m still 14 and yet everyone is expecting me to behave like an adult. I’m supposed to know what I’m doing with my life even tho I literally cried in the shop when I was pressured to choose between 2 pizzas.

I have no support system. My own parents seem very dismissive of my problems, equating everything to social anxiety. When I’m stressed out of mind to the point of feeling suicidal, my parents say “that’s just life”, which…well, feeds into the feelings. For years I’ve felt stressed. Then if I’m not stressed I feel absolutely nothing. And if I’m not feeling empty I am angry, sometimes for no reason. And if I’m not angry, I am curled in a ball trying to bottle up the urge to self harm and batting away suicidal thoughts.

It’s like I have a huge chain pulling me down underwater and everyone else is in the beach drinking cocktails or something. Sometimes I thrash and try to get people to notice, but people think I’m just having fun. Other days I just feel like letting the chain pull me down.

Please forgive me for rambling and probably not having a very consistent train of thought in this post. I have a tendency to blab on about my “problems” (if they even are that), I guess as a way to connect? Idk. This post makes no sense.

I hope you’re having a good day. <3

- 🌸✨ (in case I send another ask again, but I’ll try not to because I don’t wanna bother you)

So sorry you're going through something similar. My GP sounded exactly how yours was, the typical anxiety/depression test and then just throwing those at you.. they dont seem to be trained in diagnosing and they dont want to hear anything more either. It's honestly almost impossible getting a diagnosis through them, the system here is really messed up... its just disappointing and seems to be failing so many people including you.

It does sound like you're going through a hard time, it's not nice especially when you feel a loss of self identity, you dont even know who you are and just feel lost in life. I think that was definitely the main point of realising something was up.. I had a VERY distorted view of myself and others around me and that was why I'd often self sabotage everything and then I'd feel so empty and angry at the world and just explode...

If you can go privately then do so, therapists are not able to diagnose and they will usually tell you 'we don't like to label' but even without a diagnosis you can still see if you can access DBT therapy. Amazon also has lots of DBT workbooks that I've used and its helped me to really understand myself!

If you often feel invalidated by your parents then that is known to cause BPD or borderline traits, especially if you've been suffering with mental illness in childhood and they tried to claim that it was nothing....you mentioned anxiety and I was told the approach my parents may have took to my severe anxiety is what brought on many of my symptoms of BPD. You start to feel ashamed of yourself for feeling that way because your caregivers make it seem like the issue isnt important and you feel as if your feelings dont matter also because that is how you have been made to feel.

I'm not saying this is definitely the cause but in my case I was told that the constant feeling of invalidation may be why I have such a warped idea of myself and why I cannot regulate my emotions. I was never told HOW to regulate or shown how to, just told to ignore my emotions and now I dont know how to deal with them😀

but yeah I'd really recommend taking a look at some of those dbt books online or reading more into it so you have a better understanding of yourself. You've already taken the first step and that's identifying that something may be wrong so you are self aware and clearly want to change for the better 💕

I hope everything works out for you, it's not nice feeling this way but you've got this 🥺🙌

#ask #bpd #borderline personality disorder #tw

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kareofbears · 5 years ago

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persona 5 royal: my thoughts after finishing it five minutes ago

disclaimer: the only reason im writing this is because 1) i have a lot of thoughts and feelings that i need to write down and if i dont ill explode and 2) i want to be able to find this when p5s eventually drops so i can compare my thought processes. if you do not agree with what i’m going to say, that’s cool! just block me or ignore this post.

now for the sake of sanity, i’m going to try and narrow down this entire list into chunks because this’ll probably be very very long and very much about me just screaming about stuff that i liked, loved, and don’t like. i will be spoiling both the original persona 5 and persona 5 royal, obviously, so i hope you finished both!

1) Akechi

so yes. Goro Akechi. Everyone’s favorite murderer. I’m going to by spewing a lot of hot takes, and this is probably going to be the spiciest: i am in the most intense love-hate relationship with this brown haired antagonist because jesus christ is he a complicated son of a bitch. I know i’ve complained in the past about how much Atlus often struggles with utilizing a character well, but that does not at all relate to Akechi in any way, shape, or form.

I’ll say this now: He is a character I genuinely, truly hate, yet he is the one I want to hear from the most. He is someone who is a bad person (yes, he is a bad person) but whenever he comes on screen he makes me sit up, he makes me pay attention to him because that’s just the aura he exudes. He is a character who i would never, ever waste my time defending or justifying his actions, but every minute joker spends with him is a minute i want to stretch out as long as possible because he is just that good of a character. He is interesting, he is well defined, he is smart, he is clever, he is sassy, he’s a motherfucking asshole who’s never had a vibe check in my life and i still hate him. Goro Akechi is what Star Wars wanted Kylo Ren to be, and that allegory may not make sense to many people but it works for me so i’m saying it. It’s to the point where writing akechi in a fanfic makes me sweat because in my opinon capturing the essence of akechi is near impossible unless you know what you are talking about (i do not mean that in anyway to discourage people from writing him, im just saying that I am a coward because i will never be able to write a good akechi). Anyway, bottom line is: i despise him but my eyes are always glued to him at all times.

back to the main point-- Atlus absolutely nailed this character and every single addition they put in for Akechi. I’m so damn thrilled that you actually have confidant hangouts with him because every single time you talk to him, it services not only the plot, but it perfectly does what it is supposed to do: it makes you like him, but also leaves the player slightly unnerved. they do it so casually that I might have trouble explaining it, but bear with me: everytime you hangout with him, he always does or say something that unhinges you just a little bit, it leaves you asking ‘wait why?’ or ‘but how did you know that’ or ‘why are you saying that?’. akechi is constantly playing mind games with you. and not only that, adding backstory to akechi (moreso than in the original) is just fucking fantastic. he’s always been a fully fleshed out character but after playing royal, goro akechi actually exists in my mind, and i still hate him (but also i dont. but also i do. anyway)

2) the ending

just finished the game and this is the point where i am at odds with p5r for the first time. the ending to p5, in my opinion, was flawless; everything was perfect and had meaning. from the shot of akira being shown to not wearing glasses anymore because he no longer feels the need to wear a mask (character development: he was very unhappy at the beginning of the game and now he’s happy with his friends--i love it), to his friends being the one to drive him home (amazing, he left his home town and came to shibuya alone via transit, and one year later he’s now leaving with all of his best friends in a van they rented just so they could stay with him as long as they can--it’s perfect, i love it), and also all of them seeing how large and infinite the ocean is (because now there’s unlimited options for them because they all have a new perspective on life).

But....none of that is there in p5r. it feels impersonal. no one drops him off at his hometown, he was still wearing glasses, and there’s no grand metaphor about what they all achieved.

Now, i am not a (complete) moron. I know why they had to change it: it’s because of persona 5 scramble (i think). they wanted to set up a plot for the next game and i feel like thats the reason why persona 5 royal’s ending suffered for it: they were too focused on the next plot that they forgot to focus on the sentimental ending for p5r. don’t get me wrong, seeing akechi in the train station absolutely made me lose my shit and made me scream at one in the morning, but i think they lost the core meaning in doing the other stuff. i did not like the focus on maruki and kasumi (will be talking about them later), cause i feel like it took away from the ending, and i also didn’t like the fact that the whole joker outfit in the reflection thing (but i will be letting it slide since it was during the after credits anyway). So while i do love one (1) new aspect of the final cut scene, i still adore and stan the one from persona 5.

3) the entire last semester

i’ll be quick: the final palace? the best palace. fight me. it’s fantastic, it’s innovative, it’s interesting, and most of all, the palace ruler is actually the best one in the entire game and i know i wont be the only one to say this. maruki is not a villain: i know for a godamn fact that im not the only one to say that i almost agreed with his deal of allowing the reality (damn i almost agreed twice) because why wouldnt you?? it’s literally a perfect reality! the only reason i didnt agree is because i knew the game wouldnt want me to agree and would force me to have the bad ending! anyway, i love the last section so much. the palace design is interesting, the antagonist is brilliant (who doesn’t love a morally gray antagonist?), and finally, the payoff of kasumi happened and it made me silent for ten minutes. the entire reveal of her being sumire and kasumi being dead is just so genuinely shocking to me that it nearly broke my neck.

what actually broke my neck was the initial incident for the third semester. seeing everyone in this wild alternate reality made me so unsettled that i literally got a stomach ache. i saw morgana as a human and nearly passed out. shiho in the underground? wig. ryuji saying he’s on the national pedastal for running? literally my eyebrows just popped off my head. fucking WAKABA? FLATLINED. brilliantly executed and i love the initial akechi and akira buddy cop movie vibes in the beginning it was just so fun.

one huge part of the third semester for me though, was of course, akechi. seeing him completely throw away his ‘charming ace detective’ speil was the most refreshing and interesting and not to mention, hilarious part of the game. he does not give a fuck about anyone and he is not afraid to let you know. he is the biggest savage and the most insane person on the phantom thieves group. he’ll roast you, he’ll roast your boyfriend, he’ll roast fuckin anyone and it’s fantastic. not to mention his dialogue is killer: he says the most bat shit insults ever and my favorite example is when you go up to him near the end of the game, you know, to hangout with him and be a nice guy, he just does not hesitate to say ‘what, you came just to see me? just the sort of brainless sentimentality i’d expect from you.’ i LOVE IT because why the hell would he try to be nice? the jig is up, he’s got nothing to hide. and he owns it. atlus seriously nailed akechi in this last semester and it’s brilliant and i love it.

4) everything else

- one small thing that pissed me off in both games (but especially this one) is how many godamn fake out deaths there are. Morgana has one, Akira has one, Ryuji has one, Sojiro has one, Maruki has one, motherfucking Akechi has two. it just hurts me!

- sumire is an amazing character who has depth and she is lovely and my biggest complaint is that it feels like atlus shoved her in. like, she feels like a new addition to the game, you know what i mean? maybe its because ive played the original p5 first, but you know, it’s not a big deal. but i love her so much

- on the topic of sumire, i cant say that im completely super duper happy with how different she felt from the other thieves? im sure that’ll be explained in p5s but she just got so much screen time that it just truly made me confused?? maybe im just a horrible person, or that’s just a really hot take. but anyway, yeah maybe im bitter because i really wanted to see extra hangouts/school trips during royal, but didn’t really.

-baton pass? literally orgasmic. it made turn base battles so damn fun and the addition of darts and billiards made me foam at the mouth it was SO SMART AND INNOVATIVE AND I LOVE IT ATLUS I LOVE YOU ATLUS YOURE SO SMART SWEETIE

-small thing, but making spells like ‘dormina’ actually useful just made the game so much more fun and dungeon crawling became something i truly, genuinely looked forward to

-being able to give gifts to my bros? absolutely incredible. thank you. side note: seeing akechi happy from giving him a multi vitamin cracked me up. side side note: giving ryuji a fuck ton of weights and him just smiling made my heart so happy i love that boy so much

- ah this game just looked so GOOD! i thought the original looked good but they really went all out. im not kidding, the smallest details in everyday life or even just normal cut scenes were out of this world. especially stuff from the third semester its just OOF good JOB atlus i love you buddy

-ahhh thieves den! how can i forget? i love it. at first i was a bit iffy with it since it really felt like persona 5 (undoubtedly the biggest game atlus has created) was just jacking itself off. but as time goes on, it became a huge addition to the game and seeing characters’ insights and extra lines of dialogue became super duper interesting and a highlight of the game for me. and don’t even get me started on how much i love love love the photos they added of them hanging out! so lovely, a bunch of them made me tear up

- i know it’s literally impossible, but i feel like the game just forgot that akechi is a person who can wield multiple persona and i just wish that could’ve been messed around with during Palaces

- showtimes are so, so crazy and i get so embarassed whenever they play on my tv because they are just outlandish and unashamed but i love them so so much it just defines persona’s personality

-because i love ryuji: i prefer the final conversation you have with him aka ‘whaddya mean? you’re there’ but there’s still a lot of really tender and sweet moments like akira genuinely telling him that he’ll miss him, and also the fact that ryuji wants you both to send each other your times through the exercise watch so you can still race ahhhh i love him so much yall

so, overall, this game is better than the original p5 because of the extra content we get. if persona 5 was the perfect dinner, persona 5 royal is that same dinner and you get to enter the dessert buffet. it’s brilliant, it’s smart, it’s hilarious, it’s heartwarming, and it’s undoubtedly my favorite game of all time without exaggeration. while i do prefer the final cut scene (and final dialogues with some characters) in the original persona 5, in the overall experience, persona 5 royal is superior in my mind. i would willingly get amnesia to play this game again.

I didn’t get to cover everything, but this is definitely most of what i wanted to say. if you actually get to reading all the way to the end, thanks! it means a lot. i hope we can all enjoy persona and look forward to persona 5 scramble together :-)

#p5 #persona 5 #p5r #persona 5 royal #mine #such a long post but totally worth it

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groversflyingsneakers · 4 years ago

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Yes i know im late and all sorry for that. Id like to thank a few people for making my 2020 better even if you didnt relize it. Even if we only had like one conversation.

First of all huge thank you to wahffle thanks for always being there for me. Thanks for helping me and telling me to make this account. I cant thank you enough you truely dont know how much that changed my life. I love you so so much and thanks for sticking around when almost everyone else didnt. You know who everyone else is. Thanks for everything. I honestly dont know how to say how much i appreciate you. You prolly know and if you dont its a LOT. Thank you for everything, i love you so much!

Next up big thank you to Varni. Thanks for talking to me and inviting me into the ratchat. I love you so much. I remember us being so awkward in our first conversation and im sad we dont talk anymore.

Time for Cora. I love you so much and im so happy we still talk a lot. I love our amazing convos when its like 4 am for me and its like the middle of the day for you. Im still coming over to burn your school down and were playing with your wii cause mines dead hehe. I cant wait till you come over to punch my teachers faces. Im so happy that i was your first friend on here. I dont know how we arent the same person but i love you so much my long lost twin.

Kyara my timezone buddy. Its so weird we have the same time zone even though were nowhere near each other. I love you so much Kyara. Thanks for calling me the only not evil rat in the ratchat i really appreciate it. And thanks for not killing me haha. Thanks for being my friend and talking with me.

Katie the amazing writer that everyone hates for some reason. Im so happy were friends and thanks for helping me with my fanfic. I love you so much.

Netra otherwise known as nAtrA hehe. Thanks for talking with me and being my friend. I love you so much and i hope we can talk more. I cant believe i actually spelled yoyr name right ugh but only cause this is an appreciation post.

Zoe the toey. I dont care if yall say toe i say toey cause it rhymes. I love you so much Zoe and im so happy were friends. Thanks for helping me with my fanfic when everyone else was busy. Thanks for talking with me.

Isha i know youre prolly not gonna see this but you deserve to be on here. Thanks for talking with me and being my friend. I remember when we sang mad at disney together. The whole song yes i know were talented. Thanks for saying im pretty but im really not and you cant argue with me since youre prolly not gonna see this haha. I love you so much Isha thanks for being my friend.

Lory, you probably didnt realize but you were one of the first people who talked to me. Sadly we dont talk anymore and i really miss talking to you. I love you so much Lory and thanks for being my friend.

Emily, thanks for talking with me. I know we dont talk much anymore. I remember when yoyr account was so small and you just started. I love you so much Emily and thanks for being my friend. Dont drink coffee again or youre gonna explode.

Grandma devyn, thanks for always being there for me. I know we dont really talk but i love you so much. Youre always there for everyone. Remember you need time for yourself ok? Thank you for being my friend. I truely dont deserve you. Youre the nicest person to ever exist.

Lena, im so sad we stopped talking. I miss talking to you. I remember when i said you were nice haha oh how i was wrong. Thanks for talking with me and spamming your story with me. We were so nice at the time. I love you so much Lena.

Teee, i need your koala hoodie. Its so cuuuute. And thanks for thinking if me hehe. I love you so much and thanks for talking with me and being my friend.

Anne yes you may be surprised by this but thanks for talking with me. Thanks for being my friend. You better actually eat. And drink.

Rat chat, sorry im kinda tired and i dont know if ill be able to do all of you alone. Yall are my family. Youre the best friends anyone could ask for. Thanks for being there for me. Even when im annoying. I love you all so much you dont even know. Without you 2020 wouldve been wayy worse. Thanks for making it better.

Jean, i know we dont talk and all but thanks. Im not sure if you really see me as a friend or not but yeah. Thanks for talking to me.

Chris, we dont talk as much as we used to. You were one of my first friends. And also the first friend i called. Thanks for talking with me and being my friend.

Heather, thanks for talking with me. You made me change my mind on Octavian. Turns out hes not that bad.

Mer, thanks for talking with me. Youre so nice seriously. Yes i didnt change my username for you hehe. And yours is pretty snazzy too.

Last but not least all of yall. Thanks for making my year better. I wouldve never thought that i would make it this far. My account went from that tiny one that noone knew to this. Thank you all so much. Friends or not, thank you.

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radiantmists · 4 years ago

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rhythm of war part two thoughts

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (spoilers through the second interludes under the cut, and at the very bottom some comments based on what i have to assume is a major spoiler for the entire book, or close to it, though i'm warning again beforehand.)

well, last things first: taravangian's working against odium! i'm super excited about this, and very happy about the support for the concept that Taravangian's compassion isn't his curse, it's just the division of his intelligence and compassion that's sthe problem.

so we've been able to talk to the sibling, who is mostly trying to help despite genuinely feeling that what navani is doing is wrong. except now they're locked away, and navani is under the direct scrutiny of rabaniel and messing around with her is going to be risky. that being said, we're on our way to some very interesting revelations about how investiture works on roshar:

the stormfather is purely of honor. the sibling is a mix of honor and cultivation. the nightwatcher is purely cultivation

the sibling should not be able to function on pure stormlight, because it's purely of honor.

lift may not run on stormlight at all-- we already knew she can't pull it from spheres.

adhesion, which is somehow a fake surge and purely of honor, is not totally cancelled by whatever rabaniel did to the sibling. from lift's interlude, neither is regrowth when she uses it, which if i had to pick is the surge i would choose to be purely of cultivation.

as far as we can tell, people can still draw in stormlight with no issue, they just cant use it to power surges.

windrunners, who bond honorspren, are less affected by the fabrial: this applies especially to kaladin and syl, and we know syl is different from other honorspren, older. my money is that she's in some way more fully of honor than the others. lift, who's been hugely modified by cultivation directly, is also immune. the edgedancers as a whole are not immune and apparently are reacting as badly as anyone else.

...syl notes in the last set of interludes that she's different from other honorspren, mentally. is this a byproduct of whatever she did to sneak out of shadesmar, or of her being older? interesting.

To me, this all implies that whatever rabaniel did interferes with how cultivation and honor interact. lift, who seemingly only uses cultivation's investiture, can power the surge that seems most directly associated with cultivation; kaladin, probably closest to honor, can do the surge that seems to be entirely honor. the regular edgedancers aren't immune at all because they run on stormlight; the windrunners are somewhat but not fully immune because they're almost fully of honor, but cultivation likely had some hand in the way honorspren were made after the shattering.

Regrowth really is a very odd surge, compared to the others, which seem to deal with much more fundamental physical forces.

the fused do have access to regrowth while powered by voidlight, though. interesting.

speaking of: did navani's weird sphere contain some kind of... cultivationlight? or maybe it's some kind of combination, and that's why the sphere exploded right around the time of rabiniel's experiments (or the sibling was drawing on it somehow?)

on a more immediate level, the current tower resistance is as follows: navani, under constant monitoring but she has the best chance to figure out how to fix this shit. kaladin, who's a mess, being hunted by the pursuer, and who's about to start getting suicide-baiting nightmares from odium, but he does know how to fight! lift, who's amazing and knows how to sneak around the tower but is being hunted by someone who i assume has to be mraize. and rlain, masquerading as a singer (im so worried about him i hope he's okay).

if this somehow ends with kaladin killing mraize to protect lift before he can give shallan answers, i'm going to fucking SCREAM.

speaking of frustrating things: lirin turn on ur location i just wanna talk. Kaladin was actually rebuilding himself until this whole invasion thing, and i don't understand how lirin can look at a man who's that committed to doing good, sees exactly what it is that drives him to kill, and then calls him a monster.

I loved Kaladin's efforts to deal with mental health care! He's in the unique position ofhaving way more political power than any medical professional, darkeyes, or mentally ill person could ever have hoped to have, and I really want to see him come back to this once the world is burning down a bit less again, especially because it genuinely seemed to be helping him.

navani's plots have sorta been subsumed into this whole plotline, but i enjoyed what we got-- the little episode with the other scholars taking bets on whether she'd use tomor's fabrial was adorable, and i also liked how clear it is that they look to her to make things work.

moving on, uh... shadesmar stuff.

adolin's making some progress at waking maya! she doesn't talk but she shows a clearly unusual ability to learn and make independent decisions. i love it.

...also the thing with notum's horse implies that ryshadium are sentient enough to imagine spren. that's fun, and also terrifying.

adolin offering to stand trial for the crimes of humanity is fascinating, but all i'm thinking about is the episode of avatar where he agrees to stand trial for kyoshi, except in this case we already know that humanity did actually do the thing he's in trouble for. it would be unjust to punish adolin for it, but... i worry.

especially because there are, apparently, new deadeyes. this isn't extraordinarily surprising as syl was two skips away from death (though, im curious, does it work differently if the spren's never been a blade prior to dying? or are there just deadeyes wandering around who aren't tied to blades?) but it is very alarming.

and then there's the other thing: pattern is lying to shallan. i frankly don't think it's as simple as him being a spy for the ghostbloods; we saw even here that he's a terrible liar, and to have concealed this he'd have to have been pretty impressive.

on the other hand there was clearly some shit going on between shallan, her family, and the ghostbloods when she first got pattern. he's admitted that he has more exposure to humans than most spren. it doesn't look great, honestly.

i also appreciate that brandon is acknowledging how fucking weird shallan's timeline is. hopefully we get some answers about this.

adolin and shallan's relationship continues to be adorable; the sequence with the starspren is lovely and i totally get why it's brandon's favorite chapter in this part. between this and part one, he clearly enjoyed how the shadolin came out in this book and i agree. the fact that his romances continue after the marriage, with issues beyond just jealousy, is one of my favorite things about sanderson books.

venli's whole set of pov's this part was about walking up to urithiru. i really do want to like her, but she spends a ton of time just following more dynamic characters around and observing in these first two parts, and if not for the juicy secrets rabaniel's been dropping, it would make me just want to get back to other characters. hopefully that'll change in the next few parts.

i was going to make a comment about how we havent even had flashbacks yet, but i just glanced at the POVs for the next part, so I guess those are coming. I do wonder if these eshonai flashbacks will be info venli knows, or what.

she did kill someone for the first time, and attuned the rhythm of the lost for the dead man. the whole incident disturbs her, and i appreciated that as the rest of our viewpoint characters are extremely accustomed to death. i'm interested in seeing how this affects her going forward.

the epigraphs are so exciting! sazed is writing to hoid again, but this time he's gotten his bearings and spoken to some new shards... ones we haven't heard from before! also he asks hoid to say hi when he's on scadrial, which, fair enough tbh. i dont remember whether hoid shows up much in mistborn era 2 but for some reason i have the feeling he is not going to oblige this request.

the epigraph where sazed mentions he wants someone who can both preserve and kill immediately made me think of kaladin. (i think this is what he ends up trying to do with wax, but shhhh) he and sazed would agree on a lot of things philosophically, i think. (omg au where kaladin ends up working for sazed?? i have no idea how this would work the idea just fascinates me.

...where are the heralds? did dalinar take them with him, or are they in the tower? if the latter, are they also passed out? probably not, since they're not radiants, right? although whatever they are is very investiture-dependent so who knows. vasher's probably alright.

why is odium afraid of nightblood? is he worried it could eat him?

lots of POVs for the next part, but no shadesmar crew, so i guess we'll find out whether adolin gets executed by honorspren later. i do wonder why so many pov's from the battlefront; i guess something more is going to happen along those lines than i'd really expected. crossed fingers for some actual insight into renarin, finally.

in light of said spoiler: holy god i hope that division (between taravangian's intelligence and compassion) doesn't continue, though I have the horrible feeling that it will. This puts sazed's discussion of the intent of a shard combined with the cleverness of its vessel into a terrifying light: a godlike being who is at his smartest when he's a complete sociopath is like, the worst case scenario, not even taking into account that the odium shard is uniquely suited to make people act on impulses. this is so bad.

but i can't know the full extent of that until i read the context, so let's move on!

#row liveblog #row spoilers #holy shit

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crowsent · 5 years ago

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Can you explain the color switch technique for theater more clearly? I'm going to audition for our high school play and I want a reliable way to act without having to relive my worst memories.

dunno when exactly you sent this anon, but i hope i havent responded too late.

SO. the colour switch technique. dunno if its an official name or whatever BUT its essentially used in theatre or really in any other scenario where you have to lie or assume an emotion that you’re not currently feeling. essentially, you have to play a role. but since you said youre auditioning for a play, we focusin on the theatre aspect of it.

the most common thing i see or hear people do when they need to play an emotion that they just aren’t feeling at that moment, is to think of a personal event in their lives that elicits that specific emotion. it WILL work, or at the very least, elicit a strong emotion that pushes you to make your scene more believable and more alive. now thats great if the memory or event is a happy one. thinking of the first time you ever held your baby sibling, or that time you had your first kiss, or that day your parents surprised you with a new car. genuine happiness, or the memory of genuine happiness can work wonders to make a scene look and feel organic.

but if the emotion is negative, its going to absolutely DECIMATE your mental health.

no matter how much you think that ‘its just for a scene’ or that it wont actually affect you when youre off the stage, using the “relive memory to recreate emotion” method can and will fuck your mental health sideways with a chainsaw. its BAD for you to constantly think of painful or sad memories. there’s rehearsals, the actual performance, and worse, memories of the play itself. associating the memory of a tragic accident or a bad fight to a scene of a play youre participating in IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU.

i did theatre back in highschool. my depression at that stage was also. uh. particularly bad. so the whole “relive traumatic memories to experience pain so you can act better” is TERRIBLE advise. dont listen to anyone who tells you to do it. it WILL negatively impact your mental health AND your memories of the play, and may even discourage you from participating in future plays yourself.

but you still need to find a way to channel those emotions.

in comes colour switch theory. or technique. whatever its called. my theatre directors were GODDESSES. they recommended this technique to EVERYONE and it WORKS.

the trick is to associate a particular colour with a particular emotion, or even facial expression. when you need to keep a stoic face, you picture the colour in your mind and chant it in your head over and over to not break character. when you need to be sad, just repeat the colour you chose for sadness over and over to get yourself in the mindset WITHOUT hurting your mental health. for me, some of the colours i chose were:

blue- sadness/loneliness

red- anger

black- nothingness

grey- fear

there are more, but lets focus on these four. blue is my favourite colour. but thinking of the colour blue it doesnt automatically make me sad, so i can still enjoy it when im off stage. to channel the emotion of sadness or loneliness that i tied with the colour blue, i think of sadness from inside out and her blue motif. i think of the blue colour commonly depicted for tears. i think of cold and i think of a single person all alone, curled up in a blue room, crying.

just talking about this made my body curl up when i was writing that paragraph. i am shaking, and i feel sad, but when i stopped thinking about that imagery, it stopped. because its not a painful or traumatic memory for me, i can just yeet the blue emotion imagery away from me when i dont want it. you cant do that with personal memories and thats what makes the colour switching strategy so good. you can act better but you dont have to hurt yourself to do it.

think of it as constructing a bubble in your head, or a room you go to when you need to feel something. for anger, i think of a red room. i think of that red emoji with the brows scrunched up and the teeth gnashed together. i think of being so angry you lose words. i think of being red-faced because you just cant control it. conveniently, anger from inside out is also red, so i can think of him too. i think of fire in my veins, hot and ready to explode with nowhere to go but loud, violent screaming. and as im writing this, i can picture myself on a stage just shouting at whoeever has done my character wrong.

same goes for black and grey. black is just when i need to keep a straight face. when i need to be stoic or unimpressed. and its just a black room. nothingness. i sometimes picture that black room in real life when i have to not laugh at something funny if the timing is inappropriate, or when i have to keep a strong facade when i want to cry. i picture that room of nothingness and my mind goes blank. and i can keep a stoic face. the grey room is fog and shadows just in the corner of my eye. its something closing in that i cant see because of all the grey swirling around me. i dont know if im alone. i dont know if i am safe because i can only see a foggy room.

all in all, mentally travelling to a room in your mind created for the express purpose of eliciting a specific emotion is better than just retraumatising yourself. and its really simple to create these rooms. you dont even have to use the same colours i did.

maybe you have more trouble with expressing lovey dovery emotions. you can make red your love room. think of red flowers on valentines day, the red heart decals you see on store windows, the red box of chocolate youd give to a lover. red is passion, red is life, and you can associate things like that with your red room if you want. its like a venn diagram. things you associate with red on the left, things you associate with the emotion on the right, and the things they have in common can be used to construct the imagery of the emotion colour switch room.

then you can just chant red red red in your mind and you think of the blush on the fair maidens cheek as her knight comes to rescue her. you can think of a scarlet dress dazzling everyone in the room, but the wearer only has eyes for one man. you can think of lipstick stain against a collar.

you can associate any emotion with any colour. my process was:

pick a colour

pick an emotion/facial expression

picture a small room in your mind

fill that room with things or imagery that match your emotion or expression

be as specific or as generic as you want

you can have a green room dedicated to irritation or envy or just the loose feeling that youre not completely happy. the reasoning can be just bc you thought of the phrase “green with envy” and thought itd be neat. green can be a mother experiencing the joy of holding her child for the first time because green=nature=nurturing=mother.

establish a connection with that colour. fill out your room and create the keyword to get in. im very unoriginal so my keyword was just chanting the colour name over and over in my head. if i say blue enough times i get sad, even if i dont picture the room bc my mind has formed a link to that state of being. and i can break away without much trouble bc the connection is just on the surface.

colour switch is hair chalk. reliving memories is hair dye. at the end of the day, both of them colour hair. but you can wipe off the hair chalk w relative ease but a thorough hair dye that produces vibrant colours cant easily be removed, even when you want to switch to a different colour, or maybe even lose the dye completely.

i would recommend picking an emotion or expression that youre not good at portraying, but dont struggle with as much for your first room. i am not good at expressing sadness, but im worst at expressing upset or anger. so when i first started my colour switch mindset room, i started with sadness. it helps me express an emotion that im not particularly good at expressing, while still being relatively easy for me to get the hang of. maybe try for the second or third worst emotion you express, build a room to channel that emotion, and establish your connection.

make it a well-tread path, essentially. first few times are gon be difficult, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. all i need now to fake-cry is picturing the blue room, saying blue a bunch of times, and making a face. then i cry. completely fake and not damaging to my health.

i hope this makes sense for you. if it doesnt, feel free to send in an ask with more detailed questions abt the parts youre confused about or anything else. same goes for anyone who happens to read this that has an interest in theatre. id rather answer a dozen asks of the same question than have any of yall do something so harmful to your mental health. if anything was at all confusing, please feel free to tell me and ill gladly clarify some more. stay safe and take care of yourselves. and to the anon who asked, i hope your play goes well

#crowsas answers #theatre

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thenovelartist · 6 years ago

Text

Debts on the Battlefield

This is the last prize for my TV Show contest going to @serenepy who wanted Adrienette and Mistaken Identity. After a few tries, I came up with this. I hope you enjoy it!

It all started when her parents were assassinated.

The neighboring country’s king swore they didn’t commit the crime. However, the evidence disproved his claim, and Marinette watched her father’s second-in-command declare war on the other country.

To say she wasn’t terrified of the thought of murder and bloodshed and war coming up to her kingdom would be an outright lie. This was her kingdom. If she were the heir, she would have gone on to negotiate with the neighboring king and try to uncover the truth. Unfortunately, even as the only child born to Queen Sabine, Marinette was not the true heir because she was a female, and the line passed down solely to sons.

So, she did the only thing she saw fit to do: join the military. She had been mocked at first, but when one of the commanders who had advanced high up the ranks spotted her, he enabled her to join.

“I remember you, your royal highness,” he commented with a smile. “You’re a crafty sort of girl. You were always able to slip around the house without anyone knowing. They called you Little Lucky Ladybug for good reason.”

And that was how she got her nickname. It wasn’t for two months that everyone fighting for her kingdom knew the spy that went by ‘Ladybug’. She was a valuable asset to the war.

Then came the dreaded day that she found herself caught up in a battle. It was in one of her kingdom’s towns, one that lay on the outskirts. Most of the town had evacuated, but for some, they had no where else to go but wait out the fight.

Marinette was forced to do the same.

She found refuge in a house close enough for her to see the fighting. Despite the queasiness in her stomach, she watched the battle. She watched as things exploded and guns went off and smoke billowed upward from the streets of the town. People were screaming; people were dying.

It was with a heavy heart Marinette watched the opposing forces win.

As the smoke cleared, it allowed her to see her army fall back, grabbing all the supplies they could and running in the cover the smoke provided. Those men would live to fight another day, and for that she was thankful. But when the smoke cleared completely, it allowed her to see the carnage in the streets, proving to her that there were many men who wouldn’t make it back home. Furthermore, this town that had once been hers was no longer.

She made it a habit to hold back her tears, but for today, she allowed herself to cry.

It was only once she was able to forcefully swallow the tears did she realize the front door of the house burst open. Her heart was pounding inside her chest as she froze instinctually.

Get up! She mentally chided. Move!

But it was too late. By the time she found the strength to stand, soldiers burst into the second story room, guns pointed at her.

Her only option was to hold up her hands in surrender.

…

He shouldn’t be here. If his father knew he was here, he’d have an absolute fit and likely punish Adrien as though he was a teenager instead of a man nearly twenty-one. But if his father was going to willingly go to war like this against Adrien’s adamant council, then defying his father it was.

Adrien roamed the streets of the town his kingdom had just taken over. He didn’t wear the uniform of a soldier, instead wearing plain clothes to blend into the surroundings. He wasn’t completely insane, after all. He was a hidden soldier, one that made shots from the rooftops and scoped out the best way to win against the enemy.

The moment a woman’s scream reached his ears, he instinctively looked up. Soldiers from his own kingdom were man-handling a woman, throwing her to the ground outside a house. They were yelling something, but at that point, Adrien didn’t care. The men had orders to not harm women and children. Even in this time of war, Adrien would ensure to uphold their honor.

Before one of the soldiers could strike the female, Adrien grabbed him, forcing him off his feet and disarming him. “What do you think you’re doing?” Adrien challenged.

Adrien felt the two other men point their guns at him while the man on the ground looked blankly up at him. With a scowl, Adrien threw the gun back at the man.

Adrien scowled. “Where is your honor, soldier? You don’t touch civilians, no matter which side they belong to.”

With that, he turned to offer a hand to the woman on the ground. Her wide-eyed gaze was mixed fear and intrigue. Adrien shot her a smile he hoped was charming before reaching his hand out to offer assistance. “I apologize on their behalf.”

She remained silent as she hesitantly took his hand and allowed him to assist her in standing.

She had beautiful blue eyes and hair like a raven’s feathers. Young, youthful face. A stunning beauty. He grinned, earnestly this time. “Was this your home?”

“No,” she admitted. “I was passing through and hid before I got caught in the crossfires.”

Poor girl. Yet, her voice held a stubborn courage underneath her fear. “May I then suggest running away from the fighting so as not to get caught again.”

“Understood,” she said, pulling her hand from his. “And thank you.”

With that, the girl spun around and scampered off.

Adrien watched her for a moment before turning back to glare at his men. “Listen carefully,” he warned, tugging out his pocket watch engraved with the kingdom crest. The men instantly stiffened and straightened. “Do not harass the enemy’s civilians. They already think lowly of us. Don’t give them any more reason to hate us.”

“Sir, yes, sir.”

…

It had been a month since Marinette had been saved from her certain entrapment by an extremely handsome young man. At the time, she had been carrying enough notes on her to have her captured as a hostage. She swore that if she ever got the opportunity to repay her debt to him, she’d do it in a heartbeat. Never once did she worry about forgetting his face. She would never forget those kind, green eyes or that mess of blonde hair on his head or that genuine smile.

It was after a battle that she saw him again.

He was in a town among the bodies of many people, both soldiers and civilians.

She would have to make up time later, but for now, she helped him off the ground, propped him upright against a building, then scavenged the area for anything she could find to wrap his head wound.

There was bullet-riddled laundry hanging about that would have to do.

“Well, we meet again,” he said, his smile lopsided and eyes halfway opened as he watched her rip apart the fabric into bandages.

Her heart skipped a beat. He remembered her? “It seems so,” she said with a grin.

He hummed, then remained silent as she wrapped his wound.

“Thank you,” he said once she finished tying off the strips. “I find myself deeply in your debt.”

She blushed lightly. “No. You saved me from those soldiers. This is me repaying my debt to you.”

His smile turned roguish, which only made him more handsome. “I don’t agree. You’ve exceeded paying off what little debt you were in.”

Even though she’d have to scold herself later for being caught up here, letting her heart run wild for a moment, she shot him another grin while shaking her head. “Not by my thoughts.”

“Well, then,” he said, and she knew by that gleam in his eye that she was in trouble. “I’ll just hope that I get once last chance to free myself of this debt you have placed on me, whether you agree or not.”

She should get out of here before she gave into the will to continue flirting with a man she didn’t know the name of. That was already scandalous of her, but it was particularly offensive in the middle of a war. She forced herself to stand. “Then I hope that our next meeting will be under more pleasurable circumstances.”

The smile he gave her as she ran off would come back to haunt her for weeks.

…

He counted himself lucky beyond belief. He was supposed to be marching around the town, trying to scope out the battlefield. In his down-dressed state, he was able to walk straight past soldiers without any issue. He had to hold back his smug grin.

And that’s when he saw her.

Gleefully grinning, Adrien slipped around the crowds of people so he could be in front of her path. “Why, would you look at that?”

He startled her, and it hurt his heart to see the sudden fear of her realizing her path was blocked. The way she looked up at him, with wide-eyes full of fear and stance prepped to run, it was clear she was skittish. If it was from war, then he could do nothing but feel guilty. But if it was from his men attacking her, then he’d swear vengeance.

However, she relaxed, her hand over her chest probably to calm her racing heart. “Oh, it’s you.”

“Forgive me,” he said earnestly. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“No. I’m just not used to being approached.”

He grinned. “Are you unused to men calling for your attention? I don’t believe that. A lovely girl such as yourself? You must have had many a man dropping at your feet before the war.”

Where those words came from, he didn’t know, but the blush on her cheeks as well as the skeptical smile was invaluable. “Careful, you sliver-tongued devil.”

He chuckled. “Forgive me. I can’t help myself. Nor can I stop myself from asking this question that has been on my mind since the day we meet.”

Her smile fell and brow knit in worry. He forced his smile to stay on his face even though he hated causing her guard to come rising up again like this. “Oh?”

“May I be so bold as to ask your name?”

Slowly, her shoulders relaxed and her smile returned. “Marinette.”

He tested the word on his tongue and very much liked the way it felt. “Well then, Marinette.” He reached for her hand to bestow a kiss on her knuckles. “What a pleasure meeting you officially.”

With a giggle, she tugged her hand away. “We have not met officially,” she teasingly scolded. “For I don’t know your name.”

Heat rose to his cheeks surprisingly quickly. “Ah, yes. What an idiot I am. My name is Adrien.”

Before she could respond, the clock chimed the hour, and he realized he needed to get back.

“Forgive me,” he said, bowing before her. “But I actually have somewhere I have to be.”

“As do I,” she said, taking a step back. “But it was such a pleasure to meet you.”

“And you, Marinette. I do hope to see you again.”

She gave him a smile before scurrying off into town. As he was leaving, he sent up a prayer that she would be getting out of town as quickly as she could. He didn’t want his Marinette caught in the cross-fires.

…

Her kingdom was losing the battle. They were up against an equally skilled army. The issue was they were much larger than their own.

That, and they had Chat Noir.

Marinette had been transporting a warning to all the squadrons all over her kingdom informing them about the man once caught in black leather taking shots from a high ground. It was as though he knew the terrain, knew the field, knew how their armed forces would be organized.

And that meant they were in deep trouble.

Marinette found herself caught in the cross-fires once again. She had been delivering messages about this Chat Noir figure to the troops stationed here, only for the opposing army to spring an attack on them.

Not wanting to be caught anywhere near the general’s house, Marinette scampered for another cover spot. Maybe, if she was lucky, she’d be able to get out of the town completely. There were many people unprepared for the attack here, all running around frantically while trying to escape the city. In the commotion, she slipped down an alley way, only to run into a figure in a black leather vest.

She looked up, only to come face to face with Adrien.

His eyes widened upon seeing her. “What are you still doing here? Get out of the town.”

“I could ask the same for you,” she countered, holding tightly to the hand he grabbed as he pulled her along out of the city.

“Wrong place, wrong time,” was all the answer he gave.

“You and me both.”

They escaped the alley, only to skid to a halt upon seeing several of the opposing army’s men standing there, guns in hand.

One spotted them and raised to fire.

Without a moment’s hesitation, Adrien shoved her back into the alley just as the shot rang out. Marinette squeaked at the sound, sadly accustomed to it but not of it being so close.

“Run!”

So she did. As fast as she could, her hand in his, she ran, weaving through the town buildings with ease. But just as she turned the corner, she slid to a stop upon seeing even more soldiers. She ducked into the closest open building, dragging Adrien in behind her. He quickly shut the door, just as the soldiers started shouting and gunfire went off.

“Upsta—” She never finished that word and instead gasped at the sight of blood staining his shirt.

He looked at her, then down at his shoulder. His brow furrowed as he tugged at the cloth. “They got me.”

“We have to get the bullet out,” Marinette said.

He frowned at her. “And you know how to do that?”

She would love to say that she could confidently, that she personally did it before when she spent the first month of the war helping at a hospital while other nurses were being assembled. “I’ve assisted in the procedure and seen it done many times.”

His brow furrowed, questions clear on his face. But he didn’t voice them. “What do you need?”

…

Adrien was not looking forward to this. Once before, did he have to get a bullet taken out of his leg, but that was the extent of his major injuries. He could have waited for the battle to be over and his own army’s medical staff patch him up, however he knew they would be busy as is. And as Marinette listed off the things she needed, marching around the surprisingly full house with a determined expression, his confidence in her grew.

Once they collected everything they needed, Marinette instructed Adrien to lay down on the bed upstairs. He stripped out of his vest and shirt before he did. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a slight dusting of pink on her cheeks. He didn’t know what to think of it, but he wanted to be flattered by it.

For the next several minutes, he was biting down on a rag while she dug the lead bullet from his shoulder and sewed up the wound. It was about as painful as he remembered it being.

However, the biggest pain of all was being shot by one of his own men. He supposed that was the price for trying to protect a civilian.

“Thank you,” he said once she was bandaging him up yet again.

“You have to stop getting injured when I’m around,” she said. He got the pleasure of learning her eyes sparkled when she teased.

“I’d love to,” he said. “Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s going to happen for the foreseeable future.”

She shook her head, but the smile she wore was one of amusement.

“I can’t help but notice,” he began, unable to help himself, “that I seem to cross paths with you in the middle of these battles.”

Her expression fell as her eyes locked on his.

“I…” she began, struggling with her words. “I have family and friends everywhere,” she eventually said. “But I’m as shocked as you are that you’re in these battles constantly.”

He forced a grin when he really wanted to cringe. “I… I’m documenting the battles,” he answered, thinking that it was a halfway decent excuse.

“Oh,” was all Marinette said as she tied off his bandages.

He had to think of something quick to change the subject. “Sorry for asking,” he said. “It just seemed odd that such a lovely young woman like yourself happened to be in the middle of battles. Not that I don’t love running into you; I would just prefer them being under much better circumstances.”

A lovely rosy hue spread across her cheeks, and he couldn’t help but feel warm knowing he caused that lovely look on her. Slowly, she ducked her head, a smile on her face. “Flatterer.”

He grinned. “Hardly.” The scary thing was that he meant it. Here he was, Prince of the Papillion kingdom, flirting with a commoner girl of the opposing kingdom. She was beautiful; that he wasn’t lying about. And kind. And had a lovely smile.

She snorted, turning away.

Despite knowing he should be out there, it seemed he was trapped here until the battle was over. His own fault for wanting to clear out the civilians. He told the general not to pull such a barbaric move, attacking a full town, but even though he was the prince, the generals swore they knew better. Today, they would have to serve without their eyes in the sky. It seemed fair to Adrien. At least, that was what he told himself so he would feel less guilty in the pleasure he took being trapped here with Marinette.

…

She was terrified. And that was an understatement. She’d been caught by the opposing army. She listened to the creak of the enclosed cart, the lock and chains on the outside making plenty of noise with every step the horses took. There were a couple army officials in the cart with her, all ones she’d been meeting with before the camp was raided.

What they were going to do, she didn’t know. So to keep the thoughts at bay, she thought of her kingdom. And when that got too hard, she thought of Adrien and his smile as he told her to stay safe as they last parted ways.

“I’ll find you again once the war is over,” he’d said with a wink. “Mark my words on that.”

With a sigh, Marinette forced everything out of her head. Apparently, even dashingly handsome, green-eyed blondes made her heart hurt too much.

…

“Father, we took the kingdom.”

Even though Adrien grinned for his father, he did not feel happy about it. He could only think of the civilians caught in the crossfires, of the towns he’d assisted evacuating when the fighting happened. His thoughts wondered to a certain Marinette and her bright smile, appearing in the battlefields. She wasn’t the only young woman running for her life from the war—there had to be people younger and far older than her running for their lives—but she was the only one that came to the forefront of his mind.

“Good,” was all his father said. “I hope this serves as a lesson to anyone else who dares to accuse us falsely.”

Adrien’s stomach dropped. He didn’t like his father’s methods. He felt them flawed. They should have gone to the kingdom with white flags raised and assisted them in discovering who the true assassins were. That would have been far more beneficial for both of them.

“We will absorb their kingdom into ours,” his father said. “They are small, as are we. We will be a stronger power together.”

Adrien simply nodded. “What will you do with the war prisoners?”

Gabriel paused. “I suppose we will release them,” he said. “No need to make any more of an enemy with the new part of our kingdom. But document them all first so that they have records against them already. If there is an uprising they are a part of, then they will be tried.”

Adrien nodded. “Yes, father.”

“And I will have you oversee it,” his father continued. “I’ll be far too busy with other matters to oversee something so trivial.”

“Yes, father. I understand.”

…

Marinette may have hated liars, but right now, it was best to tell herself she wasn’t completely terrified that she might just die.

She, along with all the other prisoners of war, were to be documented as potential threats, meaning that if they ever made a wrong move, they’d likely be hung.

The men brought the prisoners out in several small groups. They were warned against acting out, even under the threat of the Prince of Papillion being there and able to give the order of them being hung on the spot. Marinette hoped for the sake of them all making it out alive that everyone would cooperate and the officials would be merciful.

The soldiers made their way through the rows of cells, meaning Marinette was one of the last to be taken out. And as the only woman, she was taken out alone.

She had to squint at the sudden bright daylight, and she cursed the sunshine. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust, but once they did, her gut sank.

Because Adrien stood there in his royal garb, proving he was the prince overseeing everything.

She watched his expression shift to one of horror. She shoved down her emotions and begged her eyes to stay dry. She had to pretend it didn’t feel like betrayal that the man she remembered fondly on the battlefield happened to be the prince of the kingdom responsible for murdering her parents.

She had been the Princess of Coccinelle; she would stand with her head high, chin raised, back straight. She would not cower.

“State your name,” the recorder asked.

“Princess Marinette Dupain of the Coccinelle Kingdom.”

Everyone froze, particularly Adrien.

The recorder was the first to move, ready to write the name down in the book.

But Adrien’s arm shot out, covering the page before the man could touch the pen to the paper.

“Your royal highness,” Adrien addressed, bowing before her. “I would like to give my deepest apologies for the treatment you have received. Should you agree, I wish to offer you a stay here at Castle Papillion, for there are many matters I would like to discuss with you.”

Curious, she rose a brow. “What matters do we have to discuss? You are the ruler of my kingdom now, are you not? That is what this war was about.”

He looked hurt at her words. As he should be. “The first matter I wish to discuss being a long list of apologies for our transgressions against you,” Adrien began, his words still strong and steady as a prince’s should be. “The second being an offer to discover who truly is behind the deaths of your parents, for I assure you that I know of no such plan that has ever been in place in this kingdom.”

Her brow furrowed. “You say you know of no plan, yet did you not just wage war against us?”

“My father agreed to such terms, but I swear I opposed it from the start.”

“If the king himself did not listen to your council then what makes you believe he will agree with your offer to me now?”

At that, Adrien was silent.

Marinette bit back the urge to smile bitterly up at him. “Then I will decline your—”

“Your royal highness, please,” Adrien said. “Please, allow me to make amends.”

“Amends!” Marinette cried in outrage. “You take over my kingdom and now want to make amends?”

Her heart was screaming in pain as she watched Adrien struggle for words.

“Yes,” he answered. “I do. Whether my father does is not a decision I can make for him. But I want to do what I can to express my deepest regrets.”

Marinette glared at him. Even though the logical answer was no, something in her… something in her didn’t agree.

“One day,” she growled. “I will give you one day.”

Again, he bowed before her. “Thank you, your royal highness. That is grace from you I know I do not deserve.”

…

There was nothing more humiliating than having to salvage any possible relationship with a princess that had been mistaken as a war criminal.

Adrien rubbed his eyes. His father had been less than happy at the news of what Adrien had done. His father had glowered at him and said, “I will have no part in whatever you decide to do.”

Which really meant that Father was disappointed in Adrien’s choices and would make Adrien clean up his own mess with his own resources.

Adrien felt that was fair. He’d bit his tongue against voicing off against his father, knowing it would only rain more hell back down on him.

He sat in his own study awaiting Princess Marinette to arrive. He’d ordered her to be tended to, which meant a bath, a place for the night, and a change of his late mother’s clothes. Then, he’d asked for her to meet him in his study for the morning.

When she did arrive, she looked none too happy.

“Prince Adrien,” she said, her voice sharp with irritation as she curtsied before him.

“Princess Marinette,” he returned, bowing for her. He then offered her to take a seat, which she did. She sat all and proud, chin raised, eyes fiery.

If they were on better terms, he’d gladly pour compliments over her and lay a kiss on her knuckles. However, he knew that would not be accepted at the moment.

He hoped that one day they would.

“Your highness, I need to apologize—”

“Why.”

Adrien paused. “Why?”

“Why do you feel the need to flatter me with apologies after what you did to my kingdom?”

Adrien took a breath. “Because no matter what my father did, I disagreed with him from the start.”

“Yet you were on the battlefield.”

“If he was going to start a war I could not stop, and the generals were more than happy to put in in motion, then there was nothing I could do except hope to keep the casualties to a minimum.”

Her eyes narrowed as she studied him for a moment. “Is that why we constantly crossed paths in town?” she asked. “Because you were trying to keep civilian casualties low?”

“And I scouted ahead,” he admitted. “To see the best way we could surprise people and subsequently flush them out instead of firing deadly shots.”

Again, those sharp blue eyes locked on him. He stared back, hoping that she would realize that he was telling the truth.

“I want to believe you.”

Her tone was sharp, but somehow, he believed those words. “If you don’t, I would understand completely,” he said. “You have every right to be mad at me. You have every right to not believe me. Honestly, you have every right to hate me and my kingdom and my father. I won’t fault you.”

For a moment, her eyes fell to her lap. After a moment of silence, they returned to him. “Before the war began,” she started, “your father said your kingdom did not kill my parents.”

“I have every reason to believe that is the truth,” Adrien said. “We had no reason to start war with your kingdom. As I said before, I advised my father against going to war with your kingdom. If the assassins were from our kingdom, then we would brand them as traitors and bring them to justice. As smaller kingdoms, we would have been better off forging an alliance between us. Why start a war when we could be strong together and on good terms?”

Marinette looked skeptical, but at least she wasn’t angry at him anymore. Adrien would gladly take any peace offering she would give.

“Can I have your word,” she said, “that you know nothing about the assassins. Swear to me with the same honor you showed on the battlefield to my people—to me—that you did not have any involvement with them or the plan to take over my kingdom.”

He held up a hand in oath and looked her directly in the eyes. “I swear on my life and on my honor that I had no knowledge of any sort pertaining to your parents’ assassination.”

For the longest time, she just looked at him, studying him. He didn’t dare move.

“I believe you.”

He felt relieved, but knew that that her belief was shaky. “I swear to you,” he said, “that even if I have to spend the rest of my life proving that trust to you, I will. And I will begin today.”

It was barely noticeable, but her shoulders relaxed the tiniest bit and her chin lowered slightly.

He grinned. He supposed it was a start.

…

Marinette was in her castle, back in her own room that wouldn’t be hers for much longer. How long, she wasn’t certain, but Adrien agreed to let her stay in the home she grew up in until further notice.

“Your royal highness,” a servant that approached her said. “Prince Adrien Agreste of the Papillion Kingdom has arrived and requested an audience with you.”

Her stomach dropped. “Lead me to him.”

With false courage, she went downstairs to meet him. “Prince Adrien,” she greeted. “What brings you?”

The look on his face was worrisome. His frown was strong, and his eyes held a sadness. With his head bowed, he presented her a stack of letters. “Princess Marinette,” he said. “I must beg your forgiveness. I swear I have upheld my oath that I had no hand in this, but I recently discovered that my father has.”

Her heart stopped. With shaky hands, she reached out to take the offered papers and slowly opened them to read.

“I’m sorry,” Adrien kept repeating. “I’m so sorry.”

She couldn’t read them fully. She could only skim them. Words popped off the page at her, haunting her. Somehow, she finished reading the damning papers. Her world felt like it was spinning, leaving her dizzy and disoriented. Absently, she closed the papers, looking up at him even though she felt completely lost.

“Princess Marinette, I have a proposition to make you,” he began. His voice was filled with emotion he was clearly trying to shove down. “I met you on the battlefield many a time, and if the rumors are true, then you are a skilled spy. Though, you only became one to serve your kingdom.”

Her brow furrowed.

“I know I do not know you well enough to say this, but I will state it anyway: I believe you would make a great queen for your kingdom. As its heir, you should be the rightful ruler, not my father.”

She smiled bitterly. “That is kind of you to say—”

“I’m not finished,” he said. He glanced around at the soldiers in the room before leaning closer and lowering his voice. “I am only slightly more confident in saying that my father clearly does not have the proper respect or honor it takes to lead a kingdom.”

Her eyes widened in surprise at his words.

A fire sparked in his eyes, and she knew he was about to say something dangerous. “So will you assist me,” he said, voice barely above a whisper. “In overthrowing my father.”

His words stunned. She was there with her eyes wide and mouth agape in a way she would certainly be scolded for.

“And once we do,” he said. “Because I am most certain we will succeed, I will take over for my father and grant you back your kingdom, allowing you to become the ruler that your kingdom deserves.” He paused, taking a step back to give her space. “I wish to prove to you that the man you met on the battlefield was one of honor. I’m asking for a lot, I am aware, but will you partner with me on this endeavor?”

Marinette looked him over, searching his eyes and his body language and his expressions. She knew it was madness to trust him, but then again, did he have reason to trust her? Marinette could tell he was earnest in his apology and righteous in his intentions.

“I remember on the battlefield,” Adrien continued. “How, each time we ran into each other, we would find ourselves in the other’s debt. Well, I seem to find myself vastly in yours, and I hope… I hope you will trust me enough to allow me to pay it off.”

While stunned at his words, she stuck her hand out in the space between them. “Surprisingly, I do trust you. Prove to me now that you are that man I met on the battlefield.”

He smiled, then reached for her hand, bowing over it to kiss her knuckles respectfully. “Princess Marinette, I will not let you down. And maybe one day, I will prove to you the kind of man I am.”

She smiled, remembering that first time they met on the battlefield. How he’d come to save her. The irony of each of them assisting the enemy was not lost on her. But now, she knew in her heart that they were fighting for the same side. “I believe you… Partner.”

…

It was the second hardest year of Adrien’s life. Plotting to overthrow his own father… he warred with himself about how terrible of a son he was. But in the end, when he discovered more incriminating evidence about his father wanting to wage war with another kingdom, that was all Adrien needed to be certain that this plan was for the best.

Marinette was a good partner. She would make an incredible queen, her words powerful and actions meaningful. But she was also sly and crafty and clever. It was because of her that a rally of trustworthy troops were at the ready to assist in bringing Adrien’s father to justice.

“I’m doing this for you, Adrien,” his father had said when presented with the evidence.

“No, you’re not,” Adrien scowled. “This is for your own selfish gain.”

After that, Adrien offered his father two options: step down quietly and give Adrien the throne, or be assassinated on the spot.

With Marinette pointing a knife at his nick, Adrien’s father decided to go quietly. Adrien called in several court servants to serve as witnesses as the paperwork was completed.

“I don’t want to lock you in the dungeons, father,” Adrien said. “I suggest going quietly to mother’s old estate.”

Marinette was the one who sent soldiers to monitor him for months. And when they came back a few months later saying he was killed, Marinette and Adrien decided to look the other way instead of seek justice.

The next several months after King Gabriel’s resignation were spent rebuilding the kingdoms and establishing Marinette as Queen of the Coccinelle Kingdom before releasing it entirely.

“But Marinette,” Adrien began, “one thing before you return.”

She turned her blue eyes on him. He could not deny the way his heart skipped whenever she looked at him. Or how it got hard to breathe. Or words failed him.

He swallowed. “I… For the benefit of both our kingdoms, I would like to bind our kingdoms together in peace,” he said.

She smiled, and he might have had to brace himself on his desk to keep from falling over. When he was a kid, he never understood the fluttery feelings lovers got in fairytales. Now, it seemed he understood them too well. “Well,” she began. “There is a simple solution.”

It took him much too long to come to any conclusion, and when he did, it seemed like the wrong one. “A marriage union?”

Her smile confirmed it, and nearly knocked him off his feet in the process. “I do find myself in your debt, after all.”

His brow furrowed. “How so?”

Her smile shifted slightly, changing it from congratulatory to sweet. “You returned my kingdom to me.”

“I could not have accomplished that without your assistance,” he countered. “Furthermore, that is the fulfillment of my debt to you.”

She shook her head. “I disagree.”

His heart skipped and he swallowed, giving him a moment longer to find words to say. “I don’t think that you owe me nearly enough to pledge your life to me out of gratitude.”

That locked the two in an impasse.

“Then,” Marinette began. “May I suggest that you come courting, and maybe, after a while, I’ll find myself in such a debt that I won’t be able to say no to your proposal.”

He couldn’t hold back his smile even if he wanted to. “Then my I warn you that this young king has set his sights on a lovely young queen to be his bride.”

He relished the sight of her smile as well as the light dusting of pink on her cheeks. “Your warning has been noted. Best of luck to you in your endeavors.”

#miraculous ladybug #fanfiction #one-shot #marinette dupain cheng #adrien agreste #adrienette #royalty #au #I don't know what else to tag this as

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