#don't read

[friedwizardwhispers]

Okay but the disconnect between Taxian Jun screaming at Mo Ran that he should have been with Shi Mei because he is alive in this timeline while acting like Chu Wanning is a teddy bear he can't stop hugging is both very sad and very funny.

The perspective of Mo Ran 2.0, the person whose flower is not effective anymore and seeing what the actual healthy relationship between him and Chu Wanning look like makes the very fake infatuation very obvious.

The way Taxian Jun "loves" Shi Mei is not how Mo Ran (any Mo Ran) actually loves.

[triple-7-heaven]

Brief Update

Hi friends :) Back again to tell you how busy I've been, but that I'm still here, reading along with you. Hasn't been smooth skies for me these past few months. However... I do have some things I've been cooking up. But you guys know me, and I won't likely let go of these until I'm 100% happy with them. They're coming, delayed but someday. I'm writing about Chaewon right now, and I have some other stuff that could be finished up too. The semester's almost over! See you soon. j

Did I mention I visited Korea in December? It was amazing. I only got to spend a week there, but it snowed on Christmas, and I was never hungry with how much I ate. I loved watching the people in the subway and finding the cats in the side streets. It's weird how you can be flying across the ocean to visit a place you've always dreamed of and still be missing someone. In that way, you look for them in everyone you meet, even if those people are thousands of miles away. I can only hope future travels give me such frequent reminders that I'm only human after all.

[ohno-the-sun]

Just some thoughts about robots below

I think the reason why I tend to avoid writing the bots as well, bots is cause I overthink it way too much.

Like especially when you are not in their perspective there's no true way to know if AI is 'sentient' or even sentient in a way that's similar to a human.

Just thinking about how a fully interactable AI could be made, you would need to account for multiple possibilities, or create a program that would continuously learn from input and apply it into its behavior. But what is the factor that would deem them "sentient". Do they truly "think" these thoughts, or is it the running of a program to simulate the behaviors to convince you of sentience. Like there is no conscious processing of the world or themselves, just inputs and outputs.

I think I like bots cause they unlock that visceral fear in me that everyone around me doesn't have the same thought process I do, or are "mindless dolls". I think its solipsism? Of course there's issues with this thought process and it can lead to some unsavory mindsets, but in the realm of horror or speculative fiction I think its fascinating. In a world with "sentient" robots, there is a non-zero chance that they truly don't have any "feelings", that what you see is purely a simulation and a reflection of your own emotions and sympathy.

But then there's the thought of that being a a valid form of being? That even if the robot themselves doesn't have any true feelings, the impact they have on others is substantial in the same way consciousness would be.

[benthic-girl]

Great my mental state is bad enough I almost cut myself f

[shortnasties]

2952. Don't Read This

This is "Don't Read This." But please don't not read this please.

I rewrote the Bible. It's now called just "Bible." No the. Everything in it is true. But you shouldn't heed it. Don't put your faith in it. Don't believe. Don't even read it.

[scumlazyfun]

📍PRUSSIA

[loosiusgoosius]

I'm tired of being anxious I'm tired of being needy I'm tired of feeling bad I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough I'm fucking tired what

[love-nlove]

maybe

maybe

just maybe

i just wanted to be heard.

i don't even need to be listened to.

just... an indication.

because this 'suicidal ideation'

(if that's what it's even called.)

isn't working

i'm sick of it.

sick of me.

sick of you.

sick of everything.

it's not that i want to die.

i just want to give up.

to stop.

to disappear.

i barely exist anyway.

i'm not special

noticeable.

unique.

extraordinary.

i am nothing.

unwanted. unloved. unheard. unseen. unknown.

and that is where that ideation comes from.

and, forgive me, if i talk too much

really. im really sorry.

but it was the first in a while.

that i felt noticed.

known.

like i really existed.

like i was real.

human,

again.

[madmadmilk]

lol why else do i log into this account besides to complain? (idk if that sentence even makes sense lol)

but wedding planning rant below >>>>> ⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪

basic facts about us/the wedding: my bf and i have been together for 10 years, ya we've been talking about weddings but can't justify the $$$. then in feb we said fuck it, we'll never be able to afford a house lets just get married. sooo we've been cram planning through the year while doing comic/anime onventions for our wedding in august this year, yipppeee!!! we both have huge families, and tbh we don't have much drama between us but (of course) there's a lot of tension between family members everywhere. but main consensus is that we're both well liked and loved, so everyone is happy. (yay!) wedding planning has been stressful and fun, but also kind of made me conscious of things i literally don't care about.

the problem:

soooooooooo i don't want a big wedding party (but my mom wants me to give every single family member a role in the wedding -- no.). so i have a party of my sister, two close cousins, and a very good friend. yay? right!! should be, YAY, right???????

hm, so last week, i noticed that one of my cousins, we'll call her cousin A, hasn't really been replying or seen in a month? so that was like weird, and i've noticed some weird stuff but like... idk the world doesn't revolve around me (or my wedding) so I just assumed that life was being life, and gave space.

well.

suddenly cousin A's mom blocks and unfriends most of my family across social media. (cousin A's dad is my mom's sister etc they have a lot of sisters) then everyone goes ???

even i'm like ??? cos i'm still on their friend list.

THEN, cousin A tells me she has to tell me something...

she says that her parents are struggling, and that she hasn't spoken to her dad in a month (my maternal uncle? idk if i phrased that right). and of course, life is life-- i have no judgment, only sympathy for everyone. BUT that means that she and her mom cut off everyone in my family..... because they don't want her dad to spread rumors etc, and don't know who has been told what...

cousin A and her mom wish to disappear from our lives.

???????????

like i said before, life is life, i can't understand their situation-- i dont' know all the sides, but i have immense sympathy for the situation. obviously i dont' want people to fight, i want people to be happy and able to live their lives to the fullest.

so---- though this is not the most important part>> she says that she and her mom and family will not attend my wedding. she's unsure of being there because she doesn't want to face questions and scrunity.

i understand.

i'm just horribly sad over it.

of course i didn't write all the details, but i'm just so sad over this. cousin a is like a sister to me, and i have a horribly hard time getting close to people. i'm so introverted and terrible at keeping up, and i haven't always been the most present for her but.. it just makes me really sad to watch her pull away.

a selfish part of me wishes she could just be there for me, but i understand she needs to go her own way and figure things out at her own pace.

just makes me sad.

and worse, i can't tell anyone about this because no one (on my side of the family) know why they've been distant. no one knows that she's said some bad things about them. no one knows the vague-posting they've been doing freakin facebook. it feels pretty irreparable to me, but no one has seen it all yet. then-- cousin A's family is going on a big trip together, just her, her parents , and her BF and she said who knows maybe they'll make up. maybe things will return.

i don't know what to say to that.

i'm grateful that she called me to give me an explanation instead of leaving me hanging, but it hurt my feelings to be told matter-of-factly. of course, this is something that her family has to work out but yeah.

i probably sound so selfish, but i can't even talk to my mom about this. there's too much of this that is not my story to tell or talk about. too many unkind words said, over something that might... return to "normal." kind of just feel miserable about it.

i wish there was an easy solution, i wish there was a way for ME to just.. be understanding and chill out but it's just sad. i'm not good at keeping secrets, or sitting still. but i'm trying to just focus on myself.

we'll see what happens.

people are going to ask me questions soon, idk what to tell them.

if things turn out to be "okay," then "great." i'll just have some lingering bitterness.

yippee!

TL;DR: one of my bridal party (a cousin), is in the middle of excommunicating my family (over internal family matters)-- thus dropping out. of course it is sad and distressing, i'm trying to be understanding. i'm sad i'm losing a sister, and that she isn't choosing me.

^lol that makes me sound terrible tbh haha. like i said, lots of stuff can't be said but yeah... just sad. i'm literally not going to fill her spot, because doing so would make me feel worse. i'm too sentimental.

[that-one-cat-meow]

Yayyy, I got my laptop back ;v;

[thingsihavedoneandenjoyed]

I really like my title page in my diary this month. Cutie needs a name

[quill-pen]

Hormone-fueled venting--ignore;

When your 26 year old bestie breaks off a 7+ year relationship earlier in the year and is now already in another relationship that seems even better than the last one she was in and your 28-year-old ass has never been in a relationship and only ever had one date and it doesn't appear likely to be getting either any time soon, and it's just... 🙃

People try to convince me there's nothing wrong with me, but obviously there's something wrong with me. The fact I don't really go out and still live at home are definitely part of the equation, but there's something more to it than that I'm sure--something that just makes me undatable. Repulsive, even. The only people I've ever attracted are sketchy dudes, mostly online, so none of them count.

And my undatability is just getting worse because I'm setting expectations so high with this Scrooge romance crap that no real man will ever be able to achieve. I try not to let it--to remind myself it's all fictional and idealized--but I know it is. It has to be. No real man is like this--not even the cream of the crop. And this stuff that I'm doing with Scrooge--I want this. Will I ever be able to settle for reality?

Ugly and undatable with a bad personality and high expectations--I'm gonna be alone forever.🥲🔫

[shortnasties]

2652. Triply Raped, Half-Murdered, Eternally Abandoned

This is “Triply Raped, Half-Murdered, Eternally Abandoned.” You’re welcome for this eyeball. 

Another student sends me a story about being triply raped, or half-murdered, or eternally abandoned... 

     “Great balance of vitriol and pathos here,” I write. “Thanks for this,” I write. 

     I lock myself in my office and even if there are knocks at the door, I don’t answer it. 

     A student sends me an email explaining how they were born out of a void and have gone looking, futilely, for embodiment everywhere. 

      “I am sorry you’ve had to go through that,” I write back.

      What do I even mean anymore? 

       I’ve thought about subtly sneaking in my own traumas into essay prompts and homework readings, but it wouldn’t matter. At a certain point, it’s all like throwing tomatoes at a tomato. You can’t tell whose flesh this is. You can feel that it is indeed flesh, but it’s indistinguishable. Some nights you realize, after a long, hard bout of night-thoughts, that you’ve just been touching yourself all this time...       

[arynneva]

wait do people read first person stories and think they're the ones in the story???

Saw people talking about not liking first person, which is fair, but their reasoning was like "I would not do that" and I don't understand that mindset.

First person stories are still about a character. A character making their own decisions. First person isn't about you???? At least I thought it wasn't. What am I missing? I've always seen first person as just a more in-depth look into a character's mind and stricter POV. Not as a reader stand-in.

[shadesofmauve]

I want to step away from the art-vs-artist side of the Gaiman issue for a bit, and talk about, well, the rest of it. Because those emotions you're feeling would be the same without the art; the art just adds another layer.

Source: I worked with a guy who turned out to be heavily involved in an international, multi-state sex-slavery/trafficking ring.

He was really nice.

Yeah.

It hits like a dumptruck of shit. You don't feel stable in your world anymore. How could someone you interacted with, liked, also be a truly horrible person? How could your judgement be that bad? How can real people, not stylized cartoon bogeymen, be actually doing this shit?

You have to sit with the fact that you couldn't, or probably couldn't, have known. You should have no guilt as part of this horror — but guilt is almost certainly part of that mess you're feeling, because our brains do this associative thing, and somehow "I liked [the version of] the guy [that I knew]", or his creations, becomes "I made a horrible mistake and should feel guilty."

You didn't, loves, you didn't.

We're human, and we can only go by the information we have. And the information we have is only the smallest glimpse into someone else's life.

I didn't work closely with the guy I knew at work, but we chatted. He wasn't just nice; he was one of the only people outside my tiny department who seemed genuinely nice in a workplace that was rapidly becoming incredibly toxic. He loaned me a bike trainer. Occasionally he'd see me at the bus stop and give me a lift home.

Yup. I was a young woman in my twenties and rode in this guy's car. More than once.

When I tell this story that part usually makes people gasp. "You must feel so scared about what could have happened to you!" "You're so lucky nothing happened!"

No, that's not how it worked. I was never in danger. This guy targeted Korean women with little-to-no English who were coerced and powerless. A white, fluent, US citizen coworker wasn't a potential victim. I got to be a person, not prey.

Y'know that little warning bell that goes off, when you're around someone who might be a danger to you? That animal sense that says "Something is off here, watch out"?

Yeah, that doesn't ping if the preferred prey isn't around.

That's what rattled me the most about this. I liked to think of myself as willing to stand up for people with less power than me. I worked with Japanese exchange students in college and put myself bodily between them and creeps, and I sure as hell got that little alarm when some asian-schoolgirl fetishist schmoozed on them. But we were all there.

I had to learn that the alarm won't go off when the hunter isn't hunting. That it's not the solid indicator I might've thought it was. That sometimes this is what the privilege of not being prey does; it completely masks your ability to detect the horrors that are going on.

A lot of people point out that 'people like that' have amazing charisma and ability to lie and manipulate, and that's true. Anyone who's gotten away with this shit for decades is going to be way smoother than the pathetic little hangers-on I dealt with in university. But it's not just that. I seriously, deeply believe that he saw me as a person, and he did not extend personhood to his victims. We didn't have a fake coworker relationship. We had a real one. And just like I don't know the ins-and-outs of most of my coworkers lives, I had no idea that what he did on his down time was perpetrate horrors.

I know this is getting off the topic, but it's so very important. Especially as a message to cis guys: please understand that you won't recognize a creep the way you might think you will. If you're not the preferred prey, the hind-brain alarm won't go off. You have to listen to victims, not your gut feeling that the person seems perfectly nice and normal. It doesn't mean there's never a false accusation, but face the fact that it's usually real, and you don't have enough information to say otherwise.

So, yeah. It fucking sucks. Writing about this twists my insides into tense knots, and it was almost a decade ago. I was never in danger. No one I knew was hurt!

Just countless, powerless women, horrifically abused by someone who was nice to me.

You don't trust your own judgement quite the same way, after. And as utterly shitty as it is, as twisted up and unstead-in-the-world as I felt the day I found out — I don't actually think that's a bad thing.

I think we all need to question our own judgement. It makes us better people.

I don't see villains around every corner just because I knew one, once. But I do own the fact that I can't know, really know, about anyone except those closest to me. They have their own full lives. They'll go from the pinnacles of kindness to the depths of depravity — and I won't know.

It's not a failing. It's just being human. Something to remember before you slap labels on people, before you condemn them or idolize them. Think about how much you can't know, and how flawed our judgement always is.

Grieve for victims, and the feeling of betrayal. But maybe let yourself off the hook, and be a bit slower to skewer others on it.