#don't pretend to be something you're not be the type of person who wears fake mustaches to a party if it makes you happy

[beggars-opera]

Something special about a party in which you stood in a kitchen and small talked for five hours and still left feeling energized. Also that more than one person was wearing a fake mustache.

[eisforeidolon]

Question: I have two questions, one for Jensen, and one for both of you.

Jared: Okay. So no Jared question? That's fine.

Jensen: Nope.

Question: First for Jensen, I need to know the story behind this picture, please? [both walk over to look, Jensen mutters something like 'Oh, God']

Jensen: I honestly don't know the story behind that picture. I don't know A) what I'm doing, I'm like sitting in a cast chair and I'm just like pulling my shirt up [mimes the pose]. And I don't -

Jared: If you got it, flaunt it.

Jensen: I don't. Uh, I don't know, I don't know what I would have - I don't even know who took that photo. Or how it got out, but - or why. This is - um.

Jared: I think, I think, here's why -

Jensen: I might have been getting mic'd?

Jared: Yeah, probably.

Jensen: Cause they, when they wire us, when they put the microphones on us, they tape it [tapping center of his chest] to your chest - I mean, there's a few ways they can do it, sometimes they'll wire the jacket, sometimes they'll put it, if you're wearing a tie, they'll put it in the knot of the tie. If you've got a sharp eye, sometimes you can see 'em. But most of the time they'll just tape it to your chest and then the wire kind of goes [gestures down his chest and around to his back] around [points downward] sometimes it goes to an ankle pack, sometimes it clips onto the back of your belt. Anyway. I was probably just going like, [gestures as if pulling up his shirt] okay, wire me. And the person who wires has to put up with that kind of - the shenanigans that we do when we're like [does the fake laugh thing, and shakes back and forth].

Jared: Also, in fairness, I think that was like season one or two? And so twenty years ago, we didn't realize, we were slow, we were not the generation where everything you do lasts forever? And so it's like [fake laugh, pops hip, makes fart noise] Ahh, I'm farting, and it exists twenty fucking years later, so. Naivety on both of our parts, I think.

Jensen: So I don't know if that answers your question, but that's the best I can come up with, so. What was the other question that he might help with anyway?

Question: Both of you, do you feel any pressure from the fans to show that you're still close friends? When you search on Google 'Jensen and Jared' there is the first question that pops there is 'Are they still friends?'. And whatever happens between you two, people just watching, waiting, like are you still close or not -

Jared: So I think, so -

Question: You have this pressure to show that you're still close -

Jensen: It's exhausting.

Jared: [grabs his shoulder] Wow.

Jensen: I'm so glad you brought this up. [turns to Jared] I am, I am exhausted pretending to be your friend -

Jared: That's actually my, that's actually my question that I put into the Google search. I'm like -

Jensen: [cracks up] I haven't heard from him in weeks!

Jared: I haven't heard from Jensen in two days [mimics typing] are they still friends? Does he still like me, circle yes or no? [Jensen cracks up more] I don't feel - I'll speak for myself - I don't feel any pressure to [finger quotes] prove that I'm friends with Jensen or my br- or anybody, you know what I mean? Like, life - we have lives, and we live in different states and, like, if I see him every day for a month, great! If I don't see him for seven months, great! Like if he's good or needs something, or I need something - but yeah, I do find that question funny. And I think it's also, I think it's like, from, was it French Mistake, or? It was like, episode, yeah I did see something online where they're like, 'oh, they're talking'. It's French Mistake.

Jensen: Oh! Yeah yeah yeah.

Jared: And then it became a thing, where they were like -

Jensen: Oh, is that real? Do [they?] not like each other? Yeah.

Jared: We also fucking - I have an alpaca! [Jensen cracks up again] Like, no one hinged on that, like does Jared really have a picture of himself in Warhol style and his wife and a tanning bed and an alpaca at his house? Like no, I don't.

Jensen: You're not far off, though. [laughs]

Jared: Close, close. Got one out of four.

Jensen: Yeah, no. I think there's also - [points at Jared] you kind of touched on it a little bit. You know, I think anybody who can just see us together whether we're onstage or whether we're back stage? Can tell that there's a, you know, legit love for each other. And always will be. Whether - like he said - whether we see each other every day for six weeks or whether we go six weeks without seeing each other. Or without even, like, checking in. Which, we usually text back and forth and stuff, just, you know, about hey, what d'you think - what're you doing with this, or hey I need to ask you a question -

Jared: We have a Wordle text thread.

Jensen: [they talk over each other here, so this next is approximate] Yeah, we Wordle each other every day. Um, so, that would be pretty, again, pretty exhausting to keep that [finger quotes] facade up, if it was a facade and it's not.

[maiko1]

I would still be holding you like this..

"im sorry but I'm not into you."

kazuha hand your confession paper back politely. "wait! Can we atleast be friends?" he looked at you and nodded. "I'm glad we can still be friend.. And here I thought u were gonna hate me for this..would you like me to company you back home? Its getting quite late.. " of course, kazuha wouldn't let you walk home alone in this time. What kind of man would he be if he didn't?

"haha.. Sure, I don't see any harm on it. Also no way, I'm not gonna hate someone who's not into me, rejections is a normal things. Everyone experiences it, though you may not experience it now, soon you will. That's just how this world works." you smiled brightly as he smile at you.

He's an extrovert while you were introvert. Though, your not that highly introvert type he still think you as a shy friends. He helps you order foods and even help you talking when there's too many crowded people.

He understands what you have been go through. Both of you had gone through alot yet he's comforting you as if his situation is not that big. So you comfort him whenever you notice his weird behaviour.

Alot of people find it hard to find when he's sad but not you, you can notice his voice a little bit low when he's sad. You aren't a good comforter so you treat him the most.

After the rejection you acted as if it's nothing while you're literally embarrassed and... Sad. You knew you shouldn't confess to him. He seem like the type who's not interested in relationships yet you still confess. It's embarrassing to talk to him after getting rejected but you buckle up your emotions and put it aside.

You wouldn't want him to comfort you for this, you think it's rather embarrassing and childish.

"hey, hold on my hand. I wouldn't want to lose you.." kazuha said as you turned to him. "excuse me you think I will get lost??"

You did once. "well uh the last time--" you hold his hand and start walking. "alright alright! Let's just go" you laughed. While he was busy looking at the other shop you happen to see someone staring at you. You blinked once and he's already gone.

You turned around to find him once again but he's just... Not here. "something caught ur interest?" you came back to reality and shake your head. "n.. No. I was just, surprised that there's so many people here.."

"i guess.. Every shop was on sale, who would wana miss the chance?" he laughed as you did. The guy who eyed you was still on your mind. He was wearing a hat...

"thank you again for company me to go shopping.. The place was really crowded.." you bow down. "i feel like something isn't right. You wana tell me about it?" kazuha said with a crossing arm.

"what do you mean?" he holds your hands and sigh. "something tell me that you saw something until now you can't seem to get that person out of ur head." he really are a weird person sometimes. Atleast he care..

"it's probably no one. Let's go home. I'm tired" you said as he nodded. Maybe sleep could get that person out of ur head.

"thank you kazuha once again for everything. I wouldn't know what to do without you." you laughed. "it's no problem at all, call me when you need me"

Getting ready to bed you went to close the door before sleeping.

"you saw me didn't you?"

What?

"you were still thinking about me."

What the hell is going on..

"aren't you curious about me?"

I... I guess but who are you?

"come meet me mingyun village. Come alone"

You woke up to your cat jumping on your stomach. "oh rika..! You scared me to death." you turn around to look at the clock. "it has only been 5 am.." the cat purred as you pet her. "should I..?"

"what the hell am I saying.. Its a dream, its not real (name). None of these dream were real." you took a deep breathe before getting to bed again.

"what if the sky were actually fake? What if the 'dreams' you have been having is actually true? Aren't you curious?"

....

"Don't pretend like didn't hear me."

...

"you are the chosen one."

What the fuck are you talking about.

"i have the answer to your questions. The second you laid ur eyes on me, I knew you are worth something to me."

As if I'm gonna fall for that.

"cmon (name) aren't you curious on how these gods were so careless?"

How the hell did you know my name..

"come with me (name) you will know what I'm talking about soon."

Leave me alone, just because I accidentally see you doesn't mean I have to follow whatever u say..

"Give me a chance would ya?"

..... Will you leave me if I did..?

"depends on your answer."

Waking up once again you feeling ur body getting hot. "i don't feel well.. What the hell is going on?" you cursed to yourself. You got up and get ready to meet the guy who won't leave you alone in your dreams.

He will leave you alone if u meet him... Its 10..it should be good.. You went out to mingyun village alone. This is a stupid idea but if he ever tries to do anything dumb you have your pyro vision to attack him.

There was a figure standing from afar already looking at you. You slowly went over there. "you look horrible." he commented. "I know.. I suddenly got cold and now I'm sick. Anyway what do u want?"

He smirk and walk towards you slowly before you quickly draw your swords and point at his neck. "don't come any closer." you cough a little.

I have no idea if I should continue or not. This is from 2021(?) 💀

[epic-arc]

Spider-Knight 11: Identity theft

Team R_BY and team JNPR were sitting in the break room having breakfast until they noticed Weiss entering the room with an angry expression on her face. She was holding a newspaper and placed it against the table with force.

Weiss: This news is completely false! These photos are definitely montages or something!!

Yang: Wow calm down ice queen, You seem angrier than usual why don't you tell us what made you so angry.

Weiss sighed and sat down with her friends and picked up the newspaper and read to them ''Spider Knight is seen robbing banks and ATMs in the city of Vale, Could the knight be showing his true intentions?''

Nora: Impossible, why would Spider Knight do something like that? He's not that kind of person!

Blake :Yeah, Nora got a point but maybe he is a hero and then he steals in secret and these photos were taken while he was stealing on the sly.

Weiss sighed and slapped her hands against the table and spoke slightly blushing but with a determined expression on her face. Which would draw the attention of both teams to her.

Weiss: You may have made some points but I've seen up close how the spider knight acts and he's not a dirty thief and I won't believe what the newspaper is doing!

Weiss would leave the room with a few quick steps and throw the newspaper in the trash, Yang would let out a few low laughs at seeing Weiss stressed, The scene would cut to a warehouse where Roman Emerald and ''Spider Knight'' would be sitting counting the money he had stolen from the banks and ATMs.

Roman: Look, I never thought that pretending to be a hero would make us money so easily!

Spider Knight: ''Well, when you have good planning you can achieve everything.''

''Spider knight'' took off his mask showing that he was neopolitan which deactivated hers semblance showing that hers was wearing hers normal clothes but on her neck has a voice modulator and on her hands have fake web shooters and gloves that stick to the walls.

Emerald: Well, you can continue celebrating, but our work isn't finished yet.

Emerald said that while sitting on top of a crate and took a notebook and typed on it, Roman noticed and approached looking at what were plans and escape routes for a party that would take place on a boat to introduce new defense products to vale.

Roman: Look, I know that you and your little friend Cindy came to the city to make Ozpin's life hell, but where do neo and I get into this? Where does our payment come into your plan?

Emerald sighed and rolled her eyes, showing neo and roman the list of guests who will be at the event.

Emerald: At this event there will only be important members so while I can steal the technology you two can steal jewelry or money that the guests have.

Roman and Neo look at each other and then look at Emerald with a malicious smile. Time would pass and Spider Knight would be swinging around the city to think about things and what was written in the newspaper.

Spider Knight(Mind): I never thought I would be looking for myself, I even thought about calling nora to help me in this case, but I didn't want to risk this situation getting any worse…

Spider knight was swinging until he heard someone whistling and he would look to his right seeing Blaze cat sitting on top of a gargoyle with a smile on her face and then he would swing towards her and sit next to Blaze.

Blaze cat: Hi crime spider, I was hoping we would see each other on this beautiful night~

Spider Knight: Look, I'm innocent, I have no connection with that impostor.

Blaze cat: I know silly, You're too innocent to want to rob a bank, But you know if you follow me maybe I can show you something not so innocent~

Blaze cat would jump from the gargoyle that was on top and use its ropes to jump from building to building and spider knight would follow her until they both stopped in a building that had a view of the port where the party was having on the boat.

Spider Knight: Ok, you took me to see a boat that has a lot of fancy people… Ok, I understand what you're saying..

Blaze cat: Well, I brought you here to help you regain your image as a city hero.

The two jumped out of the building and walked towards the port casually and leaned against the wall of the boat as it left. The two managed to get on the boat and look at the boat's visitors to see any suspicious action. Inside the party room that was inside the boat, there would be a speech and presenting a model of super strength gauntlet until the lights went out and ''spider knight'' appeared on the ceiling making the lights come on.

Spider Knight: ''Look what a surprise guys, your friend from the neighborhood spider knight came to visit you but now you can give me whatever jewelry and money you have if you don't want to suffer a lot of pain.''

Roman, who was in a hallway disguised as a waiter, told Neo on the radio that 3 guards were coming after her. She would listen and throw a strong web-shaped rope, trapping them against the wall.

Spider Knight: ''My insect senses can make me perceive everything so don't even try anything. Now put everything precious in the bag!''

The scared guests would take off their jewelry and money and place them in web-shaped bags that would be on the floor. When the bags were full they would be hit by white webs. The guests and ''spider knight'' looked in the direction they came from and saw the real spider knight.

Spider Knight: ''Look, the impostor is here, did you come here to play the hero just in case?''

Spider Knight: I came here to show people who the real Spider Knight is.

The two spiders are fighting and while that time Roman would take the gauntlets but Blaze cat noticed and started fighting against him and made him faint but he would make a malicious smile and take the gauntlets going to where Emerald was and handing them over, The guards would find Roman passed out and arrested him. The fight would continue until Jaune would use the tentacles of his costume to hold back ''Spider Knight'' and take off his mask showing that he was Neo.

Spider Knight: Do you have any other comments to tell me about imposter?

Neo would listen to what Spider Knight was saying and blow him a kiss and then dismiss herself as if sheNeo listened to what Spider Knight was saying and blew him a kiss and then disappeared as if she were breaking glass. It would be confusing, but after a while he was at the port with the other guests and until Yuri approached him.

Yuri Watanabe: It's good to know that you're not a real criminal, and we're going to investigate what Roman has to do with this whole operation.

Spider Knight: I'm glad I could help and find the culprit.

Yuri Watanabe: I wanted to know if you have any suspicions as to who may have stolen the grimm that was being studied.

Jaune was about to speak but then he stopped and thought as if he were someone telling him ''You can't say that you're with the grimm he's helping you, he's making you stronger''

Spider Knight: I have no idea but I hope I can help in the future with this case.

Some police officers caught the attention of Yuri and Spider Knight who would go to the police truck and see that Roman wasn't there, just a police officer in his underwear.

[lavender-town-radio]

Hey, Laplace. You said something a while ago that I'm still thinking about. In a response to an ask, you said that masking feels like roleplaying and not like "multiple people". Could you go on? And while you're at it, define masking for us, would you?

Thank you in advance.

-Psy

Masking is just. Putting on a specific affection (usually to mask symptoms that are "inappropriate") for a situation. Like if you're around homophobic family maybe you avoid your queer mannerisms. If you're autistic and in public where stimming would be "disruptive" you mask by not doing it. I'm not really the best person to define masking. To be honest with you. But any "role" you take on to avoid something disruptive or unsafe in a situation? That's masking.

I'm going to describe my experience with masking. I'm plural, and this will not necessarily be true for all plurals, or even match up with what singlets experience. But for me, it's like roleplaying a dnd character. I have like. A bunch of fake shit set up for each mask so that I'm playing a realistic role - I have different opinions and mannerisms sometimes, but it's all by choice and made up. It doesn't feel like being multiple people, it feels like playing dnd as a character. I'm in control of it. My headmates experience the same when masking as our "singletsona" who is "me", since I'm the... I don't like using host, honestly? For us, host just means "person whose life it is", and this is my life. My headmates are all here to help me with the things I need in my life. They're accessibility tools for me, in a way. So they pretend to be the fake mask I made up, because its not any of us, its just a role we play. They never pretend to be like.... me, the actual person. I don't pretend to be them. The masks are all seperate, fake entities that we wear sometimes.

Sometimes I know that members of systems mask as other members - this is, to my understanding, more common with traumagenic & disordered systems - often, those two go hand in hand. This is also usually for safety reasons - when systems are covert, they can't afford to be out and known, especially if they're still in bad situations. So often, even with systems, headmates who mask as each other are still playing a role.

There are reasons other than plurality that can make masking feel like multiple people - however, depersonalization and derealization have crossover with plurality, and so can delusions, and honestly so can hallucinations from schizophrenia! None of these issues are completely seperate because they effect similar parts of the brain. I think that if masking feels like multiple people, then there is probably something going on, and exploring that being plurality maybe isn't bad, even if you're wrong. ESPECIALLY if you end up being wrong. It's okay to wonder and try things out. You aren't like.... hurting anyone by exploring the possibility.

There are also ways of becoming plural if you want to - daemonism especially is very popular. So are soulbonds. Daemonism is creating a mental construct, most often an animal, to interact with. Soulbonds are making a mental connection, most often a sort of telephone line, with a fictional character. The way this manifests is usually the thing where people talk about "characters writing themselves". Not everyone believes in these sorts of connections - it gets into the realm of spirituality for most, honestly. But people have been creating thoughtforms for centuries, you can find mention of them in most cultures.

The whole "tulpa" thing too - I'm not here to debate tulpamancy, but the western version of tulpamancy based on the Buddhist practice is heavily practiced. That's just a fact. Tulpas are just another type of thoughtform. What you call them is ultimately not important, most of the time.

Chosen plurality is a valid, healthy coping mechanism. There are even published psychological techniques based around it. The family system or whatever... breaking your brain and reactions down into parts, or something? I haven't really researched it. My plurality and spiritual practice are a circle, and most of my research focuses on that aspect.

I cannot answer what it feels like for disordered systems to mask. I'm not disordered. Maybe one of the other plurals I know of who are out on the site can answer that part for you if they feel comfortable? This is not an invitation to go ask anyone that - just putting the option for them to reply to this post.

[lux-refracted-light]

As a person who's lived in both places, I will totally roast both countries

Insults towards the British (specifically English):

Your cuisine has no flavor. Except beans on toast and cheese on crumpets, that shit slaps. And you can make desserts--if anyone says your desserts are bad, I'll fight them

You add too many fucking us in your words. What are you, French? Colour doesn't need a u. Also you refuse to see the sexiness of a z instead of an s in other words. Like yes the s looks more refined but the z is sexy so it stays.

You have free healthcare but proceed to make it worse than it already is by defunding it. Buddy you have like 2 CAT scanners in your entire country, I think you should be pro-funding it.

You are TERF island. It's ironic that the US is actually better for trans rights than you are, because we're not that good at trans rights.

You make public school kids wear uniforms and have no self-expression, like wtf is that about. Also can't stalkers more easily identify where your child goes to school if they have their uniform on???

Your slang sounds so fake, I'm sorry but it does. You can't tell me you actually say bangers and mash and toad in the hole and chuffed to bits. You can't be serious, you're doing it for the bit, right?

Some of your snacks sound like they have fake names. This is only half an insult because I actually like hula-hoops and quavers and wotsits but they have such silly names.

Chips is the crunchy thing, fries is the thing that's chewy inside, and crisps don't fucking exist. Fuck you.

You don't know what nachos are. You pronounce them wrong, use flour tortilla chips, and put ketchup in your salsa. What the fuck is wrong with you. I hate what you've done to my nachos.

When the best pizza England has is Domino's, you know you have done something wrong. Tuna and sweetcorn pizza is a crime against humanity.

While I'm at it, it's cute that you think your baked potatoes have jackets, but why are you putting tuna and sweetcorn and mayonnaise in it. You're ruining a perfectly good baked potato.

You didn't photoshop Boris Johnson, a man you called BoJo, onto photos of banjos enough. I was the only one I knew doing that. Fuck that racist banjo.

All your immigrants have to be in the big cities, I never met a person who wasn't white out in the country in England. Let them out and enjoy the rural lifestyle please? Please there was only one other non-white kid in the small village I was in PLEASE

You haven't gotten rid of your monarchy yet, and still worship them as celebrities. Buddy they are living off your taxes, they can be celebrities once you don't pay them money when they're already rich, and start giving it people who actually need it.

Insults towards USAmericans:

You aren't the only country in the Americas, not even in North America, stop acting special

You use way too much salt and synthetically made chemicals. Some of that is fine but it doesn't need to be in every goddamn thing

You think wearing your own flag and pledging allegiance to it is normal. Buddy that's a piece of cloth

English people spell grey right actually. Don't tell me to put an a in that bitch, grey is always going to be an e-type of word

You think your cheddar cheese slices are real cheese. Don't talk to me or my blue stilton ever again, unless you're putting it on a burger or a sandwich, in which case that is perfectly acceptable behavior

Your conservatives literally hate everybody and aren't even shy about it. At least in England they pretend to give a shit about their victims while they kill people. USAmerican conservatives can go "I love killing Mexicans and Jews and Black people and queers" and people will still be like "ok" and vote for them. England conservatives will be ousted for fucking a dead pig in college, and if they say a slur they have to at least make a 10-minute apology, and they can't just say "yeah I hate these people for an unchangeable facet of their identity" outright, they have to dress it up in dogwhistles.

Why are guns. Seriously why do we still have them and feel so attached to them. Please it's not funny anymore, the kids are dying because bastards with guns are shooting them. Please.

Your public school food just fucking sucks ass. Seriously, when I lived in England, where the baseline food tastiness was lower, their school food was still better than yours. Come back when you have pizza baguettes and unpackaged muffins and elderflower blackcurrant soda in a bottle!!!

Why is there a suspicious lack of banana flavored milk. Like guys you're missing out on the banana milk, it's the good shit

Adding on to this, Hershey's is only good for s'mores and anyone who eats a Hershey's bar by itself is my enemy. Go get you some Lindt or Cadbury's, Milka if you aren't allergic to hazelnuts, and your eyes will be opened to a whole new world of chocolate.

Most Americans don't know what nachos are either. You expect my to call your fritos and fake cheese sauce nachos??? No, the cheese needs to be baked on top, and you have to put a bit of salsa and sour cream on there. Otherwise that's just pre-dipped chips.

You don't even have sidewalks or public transportation most places. What the fuck, how are people supposed to get around without a car???

Yeah I think I aired out every grievance I had with both countries ever, except for maybe the ones with predominant religious groups, but they tend to be much the same across countries sooo

-Chara

European: Americans will be like I’m going to watch a whore movie and eat a hamburger slathered in lard

Americans: it’s true I do do this.

American: British people will be like alright I’m off to eat some wheezy bangers (beans and bread out of a can)

Brit: I’ve seen this reblogged by several people I normally trust so: How mocking British cuisine and dialect has a long classist history and how it became frighteningly normalized on an American (uniquely cruel, uniquely ignorant) internet: a thread. 1/?

[tonguetiedraven]

Caprizant

Fandom: Ao No Exorcist/Blue Exorcist

Pairing: Bon/Rin

Summary: Fake dating Au. When a strange, masked demon starts attacking the couples of True Cross Academy, Rin and Bon have to pretend to be a couple to stop the demon.

It should be easy, as long as those pesky feelings don't get in the way.

Part: one , two, three, four, five (you're here), six

— — — — —

Rin sipped at his drink and looked at Ryuuji. “So like they’re jealous of the person? Like jealous that they’re better? Or is it the kinda jealous where you want them for yourself?”

“That one, though it could probably feed off the other as well.” Ryuuji looked thoughtful as he scanned the rest of the page. “That’s what she does, by the way. Feeds off the jealousy and the anger. The more she can get the stronger she is.”

Rin looked at the illustration of the masked demon again. “Then why does she attack them? Wouldn’t that make whoever she was feeding off of run away?”

“You’d think. Maybe they’re fighting about it?”

Rin tore his eyes off the illustration to look at Ryuuji. “It’d have to be a hell of a fight to distract from her.”

Ryuuji gave him a small smile that had Rin immediately feeling flustered and wanting to shuffle closer.

Was that what he’d do if this was a real date? He had a feeling if this was a real date he’d just be staring and smiling like a loon, and probably would have scooted his chair closer before feeling nervous about it.

“You know, most people wouldn’t be able to see her. There’s been an increase in people who can spot demons now, which is probably why she’s being reported. There’s no telling how long she’s been around.”

“I guess the Exorcist don’t date around a lot.”

“True Cross doesn’t exactly promote, uh…” Ryuuji trailed off and blushed as he hastily grabbed up a piece of tuna. He chomped down on it while Rin watched, and it wasn’t until Ryuuji finished the bite that Rin’s stupid brain put the pieces together and figured out what he’d probably been about to say.

“Oh! That’s right, she’s after same sex couples. I guess they probably haven’t been as out about it either.” He frowned and looked down at the text, but the words were swimming like they always did, and he couldn’t make sense of them. “They couldn’t really complain without outing themselves, could they? What a dick move.”

“She’s a demon, Rin. Not one of the good ones.”

“Yeah, but how many more people do you think have been attacked than have told? And why ya gotta be so mean? We’re already gonna have a harder time here. It’s not like we’re more prone to jealousy.”

Ryuuji’s eyes widened slightly as his chopsticks stilled mid air. Rin glowered at the book and barely noticed. It wasn’t fair, and just because she needed jealousy or something for energy didn’t give her a right to toy with people. It was hard enough finding someone to date around here without demons messing around.

“We’re?” Ryuuji stuttered, and promptly jolted like he hadn’t actually meant to say the word.

“Huh?”

Ryuuji shook his head frantically. “Nothing. I’ve never heard of a Hannya having a specific type. Usually they’ll attack any jealous couple.” Ryuuji rushed, setting his chopsticks down and clutching his half-drank glass of water closer. “They’re formed when jealous people merge with a jealous demon. It’s a pact of sorts, and they can be really ancient. The older they are, the more powerful they are. They, uh, wear masks to hide themselves from their old lover. Uh, you can slow them down if you remove it. Um, they, err, they don’t have a death verse or anything. And…”

Rin watched Ryuuji rush all of his words, barely pausing for breath and looking a bit more anxious with every pause in his stream of words. He was babbling, and Rin wasn’t sure why. Ryuuji’s cheeks were growing pinker with every passing second though, and it was cute. The rush of words would be adorable if there wasn’t a hint of fear in them.

“Figured they didn’t have one of those,” Rin interrupted with a smile. “You’d’ve told me what it was if you did.”

Ryuuji was almost smiling again. He was trying to hide it, but Rin could still see it. “You saying I talk a lot?”

“Nope, just that you’re kind of a know it all. You can’t keep information to yourself.”

“Well it’s important for you to know the death verse too. If we’re gonna get attacked by the demon, you gotta be ready to— what?”

Rin could feel his smile being kinda silly, but he didn’t really care. Ryuuji was proving him right with the ramble.

“Nothing,” he stuffed some of his sashimi in his mouth and swallowed as much as he could. “Whaddya think she’s hunting around here for?”

“Maybe the students here get jealous easier?”

“Why? ‘Cause—” Rin felt a shiver shoot down his spine as his hair stood on end. He had to coil his tail tighter around his chest to keep it from raising in alert.

They were being watched. It had taken him a while to realize that was what that particular sense was about, but once he’d figured it out, he’d learned that it was almost always right.

“Rin?”

Rin’s eyes darted around the diner as he ignored the question for a moment. It took him a moment, but… there. At the back of the diner in one of the other booths. There were three students huddled together and whispering, and one of them was blatantly staring. He didn’t recognize any of them.

“Over there,” he whispered, leaning in towards Ryuuji and trying not to stare at them. It was hard now that he knew they were there. Ryuuji’s gaze darted to where Rin was looking quickly before dropping back to the table and partially eaten meals. “They’re watching us.”

“They’re in my class.” Ryuuji muttered. His hands dropped into his lap and clutched at his jeans nervously before returning to the desk. “The, uh, girl? In the pink kimono? She’s asked me out before.”

Something unhappy unfurled in Rin’s gut as he looked back at the girl. She was pretty with long brown hair, soft brown eyes, and cool makeup that made her eyes look bigger. If she was in Ryuuji’s class, she’d be really smart too. Had Ryuuji gone out with her? Had he enjoyed it?

Wait, he was supposed to be on a ‘date’ with Ryuuji.

With a bit of annoyed indignation at the gossiping girl, Rin dropped his own hand on the table on top of Ryuuji’s and tried to keep the scowl off his face. Ryuuji’s hand twitched under his, and Ryuuji’s breath audibly hitched. Rin’s cheeks went very warm, and his eyes widened at his own boldness.

Oops. He probably should have asked before trying something like that. Whatever, he’d already done it, and now the girl was looking at her friend and whispering something to him. Ha!

“Go—good idea. We should look like we’re on a date.” Ryuuji’s hand turned over under his so that their palms were pressed together, and now he could feel the heat from Ryuuji’s hand, and the press of skin against his own.

Ryuuji picked up his chopsticks in his left hand and continued to eat his meal that way. Rin’s tail tried to wiggle free and wag, but he pressed back in his seat to trap it. Hopefully Ryuuji couldn’t feel it moving, and if he could, hopefully he didn’t care too much.

They ate the rest of their late lunch like that, hand in hand and stealing glances when they thought the other one wasn’t looking.

[pipipinyyy]

Explaining why I have added every song in my entire and very long Niragi playlist because I can and because over analyzing him is my passion (I usually update it from time to time but I'll do it with the current songs)

Completely self indulgent post, but I decided to share to feed my fellow Niragi stans (*˙︶˙*)☆*°

This is entirely based on my view of the songs and how I interpret them while thinking about Niragi. I'm aware that most of them have entirely different meanings, this is just for fun :) (Also sorry if my explanations don't make much sense, English is not my first language and I might make mistakes when trying to put my feelings and thoughts into words)

This may contain manga/s2 spoilers

Hayloft-Mother Mother: Vibes

Criminal-Britney Spears: The whole song describes him ("he is a sucker with a gun") and the fandom's obsession ("mama I'm in love with a criminal")

Daddy Issues-The Neighborhood: I feel like he would act like this, using the most vulnerable spots to pick on someone ("cry little girl, nobody does it like you do")

Psycho-Jin Dogg, OVER KILL: Vibes

Riot-Hollywood Undead: He'd definitely start a riot like he did in the 10 of hearts, burning and destroying anything that crosses his path

Bitches-Mindless Self Indulgence: He most likely thinks he's a total fuckboy and popular with girls since he can get almost anything he wants out of scarying people

Baby's on Fire-Die Antwoord: Vibes

Insane in the Brain-Cypress Hill: This man is being consumed by his own way of protecting himself

Wolf in Sheep's Clothing-Set It Off: Based on how he feels towards the people who hurt him in the past ("Listen, mark my words, one day, you will pay" "You've always been a huge piece of shit, if I could kill you, I would" "Karma is gonna come collect your debt")

Death no more-IC3PEAK: Vibes

Gasoline-I Prevail: Sort of similar to Riot, ("So burn it all down, burn it all down, I don't give a fuck")

Toxic-Britney Spears: The whole fandom knows how much of a piece of shit this dude can be, but we still find ourselves liking/enjoying his character (to an extent), a toxic addiction

Nice Guy-GRLwood: As much as I love this man, he'd use the "I'm a nice guy c'mon" card just to fuck. If he wants to, he'll get it, if he doesn't, he'll most likely get mad

Dernière danse-Indila: Vibes

TRRST-IC3PEAK: Mostly vibes, I kinda see this song as how he felt the first time he killed someone on purpose inside the borderlands ("mama they say I'm a terrorist, I did nothing wrong but I got on the blacklist")

Saint Bernard-Lincoln: Vibes

Nowhere To Run-Stegosaurus Rex: Being with him at the Beach would either be ignoring each other completely or a game of tag, no inbetween. If this man wants to kill you, he'll get his fun time out of it as well ("You're gonna die, I'm gonna kill you")

The House of Wolves-Bring Me The Horizon: Based on how he sees life after being consumed by his current mental state ("Show me a sign, show me a reason to give a solitary fuck about your god damn beliefs" "What you call faith, I call a sorry excuse")

Smells Blood-Kensuke Ushio: Vibes

SIU-Maretu: Similar to Daddy Issues, don't expect this man to be a therapist. If he sees anyone crying or panicking in or outside a game, he'd most likely tell them to suck it up, just like this song.

Judgement-Kensuke Ushio: Vibes

MONSTER ENERGY GUN!-KevinKempt: Vibes + He for sure has an energy drink addiction, specially pre-borderlands

HURT-1 800 PAIN: Vibes

Fear Is The Mind Killer-Zheani: Vibes

I Bet on Losing Dogs: Based on how I know Niragi is toxic, and most likely unsaveable of his deteriorating mental state, but I still have him as my biggest comfort character ("I bet on losing dogs, I know they're losing and I'll pay for my place")

Emo Boy-Ayesha Erotica: He's been in an emo phase (and maybe still is), the lyrics are pretty self explanatory, they describe us Niragi simps perfecrly ("come on fuck me emo boy")

Crybaby-Destroy Boys: Vibes

The Fox's Wedding-MASA Works DESIGEN: Vibes

You're a useless child-Kikuo: We don't know much about his past, but judging by the unstoppable bullying he's suffered, his parents didn't care about him, or were straight up absent. He's been insulted by pretty much everyone in his past to the point of believing it and telling those things to himself ("You're a useless child, the most useless child in this world" "Drool in snot, dandruff, shit and piss" "I'm a useless child" "Nobody will save me" "I'm a lonely kid")

Take A Slice-Glass Animals: Vibes

Fighting With The Melody-Jimmy Urine: Vibes

Comics-Caravan Palace: Vibes

Rhinestone Eyes-Gorillaz: Vibes

Butch 4 Butch-Rio Romero: Mostly vibes, sort of how I think the most "peacefull" moments in a relationship with him would feel like, kind of bittersweet feeling

Suki Suki Daisuki-Jun Togawa: Yandere Niragi. If he's interested in someone, he'd go through an obsessive phase, most likely forcing the other person to "love" him. This man is so confused about the feeling of love that he's unable to tell when he loves someone or when he's obsessed with them due to his lack of attention ("Like you, like you, I love you. Say you love me or I'll kill you")

:(-The Garden: Vibes

Kitty City-Cyriak Harris: Vibes

Blood-My Chemical Romance: If Niragi went to a therapist, he'd act like this song, with his signature cocky and sarcastic personality (at least before he gets better) ("I can't control myself because I don't know how" "They can fix me proper with a bit of luck" "I'm the kind of human wreckage that you love")

A Mask of My Own Face-Lemon Demon: He feels like he needs to protect himself or else he will get hurt inside the borderlands by others again. He uses another personality, a completely ruthless one, even if he doesn't like it and hates himself for it, he doesn't see another way to deal with his fear, allowing his "new self" to consume himself. ("I'd wear that mask of my own face" "I look into my eyeholes and what do I see? A handsome motherfucker motherfucking looking back at me")

I'm a Murderer-Freddie Dredd: Mostly vibes ("I'm a motherfucking murderer")

'Cause I'm a Liar-Mcki Robyns-P: He would lie just for fun even in serious situations. If he needs to manipulate someone to survive, he'll do it his way, after all, he doesn't care anymore, he just seeks for excitement. ("Without emotion, without devotion. It's much easier to fake something happy")

I Disagree-Poppy: I don't know exactly how to describe it, but I feel like this is how he sees and feels the world and those around him, feeling misunderstood and going his own way ("If only all of you could see the world I see, then maybe everyone could live in harmony")

Personal Jesus-Mindless Self Indulgence: He has a superiority complex, that's for sure. I don't think he sees himself as a god, but I see him joking about it

Rainbow Factory-GLAZE, WoodenToaster: Vibes

Frontier Psychiatrist-The Avalanches: I kinda see this as Aguni taking the role of Niragi's "father figure" inside the borderlands, realizing he's turning insane and is unable to control him ("That boy needs therapy")

Hate it. Hate it. "JIGAHIDAI!"-WADATAKEAKI Kurage P: Jealousy. I can see it either in a pre-borderland situation where he hates the popular students in school, or inside the borderlands hating both Chishiya and Arisu. Jealousy takes over him constructing a big ego, causing himself to develop his superiority complex ("You see, I hate that popular girl!" "Does she think I don't notice? How she looks at me as if I'm trash" "I want to be praised" "I'm different from you all, I have my own ego! I'm not a side character" "I have zero common sense. I'm special")

Villain-Stella Jang: He knows damn well he's a villain, that's his goal after all, but what if someone took his point of view? wouldn't the villains be all of those who hurted him in the first place? ("We all pretend to be the heroes on the good side, but what if we are the villains on the other")

Violent-carolesdaughter: This is how I view an argument inside a relationship with Niragi. He's used to violence, to cause fear, and getting what he wants, so being in a healthy relationship would require a lot of patience and strenght. While he's getting better and suppressing those violent actions, there will be times where he accidentally uses violence or threatens the other person unintentionally, mostly hurting himself and his partner psychologically. The lyrics change between both points of view ("Don't make me get violent, I want my ring back baby that's a diamond" "She knows I'm a wreck" "I gave you all my trust and I told you just don't break it")

Hey Bunny-Baby Bugs: Based on how I think it would feel to partner up with him inside the borderlands and catching feelings for him while knowing the huge mess he is ("Hey bunny, what's with those evil eyes?" "Hey bunny, what the hell is wrong with us?" "Hey bunny, what if I loose you too? If I become the monster, together we can always be blue")

Kokoronashi-majiko: I'm pretty sure Niragi isn't able to see himself as someone able to love, even if he doesn't want to be alone (just like when he confesses this feeling while fighting with Chishiya and Arisu). If someone truly loved him and was willing to not letting him go, it would hurt. He can't see himself as someone who can love or be loved, so he can't accept the love he's seeking for in case that turns him "weaker" making his true self confront with the protective mean personality he's created. He could learn how to accept it, so he might want the other person to stay in the end, but it wouldn't be easy for him to accept it ("It's awful, I'd rather you destroy my body, tear it to sheds, do as you please" "No matter how much I'm loved by you, my heart is just one" "I don't know this, don't leave me alone")

Nightmare Parade-FAKE TYPE.: Vibes

Slipping Through My Fingers-Meryl Streep, Amanda Seyfried: Niragi seeing himself loosing his young, gentle and caring personality due to his fear, being unable to control what's happening inside, nostalgia and sadness kicking in ("The feeling that I'm loosing her forever" "That funny little girl" "Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture and save it from the funny tricks of time")

Kuroneko No Tango-Pink Martini, The Von Trapps: Vibes

YKWIM?-Yot Club: Him confroting his feelings of loneliness when he's left alone with his thoughts ("It feels like I care too much when I'm alone, oh no")

Romantic Lover-Eyedress: Just appreciating his physical appearance ("She's a killer, I love her features")

Wrecking Ball-Mother Mother: Based on how he sees himself as someone who needs to destroy everything in a way or another in order to be powerful + the fun he has with it ("Call me a reckless wrecking ball" "Let's break it just because we can")

Edge-Rezz: Vibes

Freaks-Surf Curse: Again, confronting feelings when loving someone, but not in such a painful as Kokoronashi ("I need a place to stay where I can cover up my face" "Don't cry, I'm just a freak")

Little Bit-Lykke Li: Vibes

6up 5oh Cop-Out (Pro/Con)-Will Wood and the Tapeworms: Vibes

PHONKY TOWN-PlayaPhonk: Vibes

I WANNA BE YOUR SLAVE-Måneskin: Freaky time. He would absolutely love this song, definitely his type of thing ("You could be the beauty and I could be the monster" "I wanna touch your body so fucking electric" "I wanna make you hungry, then I wanna feed you")

#BrooklynBloodPop!-SyKo: Vibes

A Cold Freezin' Night-The Books: Vibes

A Pearl-Mitski: My most favorite song to associate with Niragi. Represents his evolution as a character. Creating an scenario where he is loved by someone,he rejects it at first, acting tough ("I don't want your touch") and then proceeds to explain why ("It's just that I fell in love with a war, nobody told me it ended" "it left a pearl in my hand and I roll it around every night just to watch it glow") the war being the borderlands and his new personality, he loved it, but nobody drew a line and it's getting out of hand. The pearl is the feeling of power, the one he has to remember when feeling weak just to feel something. At the end of the song it changes to ("Sorry I can't take your touch"), realizing that he wants love, but he's not able to take it or else he'll become the Niragi from the past

Problematic-Bo Burnham: Him acknowledging his problematic actions but not wanting to apologize because he doesn't feel the need to. He knows he's done bad things but he is going to laugh at it and be a sarcastic mf about it

First Love/Late Spring-Mitski: Similar to Kokoronashi, he wouldn't be able to accept love and how it makes him feel. He would think that he prefers for everyone to hate him and be lonely instead of sacrificing his tougher side. Also talks about how he's grown way too quickly for him to understand feelings properly ("So please hurry leave me, I can't breathe, please don't say you love me" "One word from you and I would jump out of this ledge I'm on baby" "I was so young when I behaved 25, yet now I find I've grown into a tough child"

The Other Side Of Paradise-Glass Animals: Vibes

Bodybag-Chloe Moriondo: How I feel about liking his character, confronting feelings basically ("Don't know if I hate you or if I wanna date you" "I don't wanna like you, I just wanna tie you up, then keep you in a cage and watch you sleep for ages"

Get Into It (Yuh)-Doja Cat: Vibes

Psycho Killer-2005 Remaster- Talking Heads: Vibes

HOT DEMON B!TCHES NEAR U!!!-CORPSE, Night Lovell: Vibes

INFERNO-Sub Urban, Bella Poarch: Again, another song that describes him pretty well ("Baby I'm the reason why hell's so hot" "Terribly like terrible, she's a villain" "Think I'm getting butterflies but it's really something telling me to run away")

Bad Morning-Omori: Vibes

Trouble Brewing: Vibes

Dueles Tan Bien-Bruses: Another song about my confronting feelings with this man ("You know what? You taste better than alcohol to me. You know that and you've got control" "Because you hurt, and you hurt so good that I don't know what to do")

And that's it!! This took me the whole day to write but it makes me very happy to be able to share it :)

I've you've read the entire thing, hope you enjoyed the character analysis! ლ(◞‿◟ლ)

[thegurlwithsunglasses]

17 (extremely) chaotic tips to learn new languages

FALL IN LOVE WITH THE LANGUAGE, or with someone who speak the language, or something about the language, or just fall in love, or just fall, or "just" but this is extra to never lose the motivation !

Make a study plan but don't respect it, because if something doesn't work, change it right away, the plan was just to pretend you are a very organized person.

Speak as soon as you know few basic words, like the 100/1000 most common. Find a penpal, friend on whatever tool or if you are very introvert, unlucky or just cannot for WhAtevEr dark reasons. Talk to yourself, your wall, a imaginative friend, or the ground (how is going down there?)

Try tons of websites to see what suits you best. Busuu? Babbel? Duolingo? Warning: duolingo can threaten you at 1 am

Put everything in your target languages, okay fine your phone is in Spanish but what about your computer? Your informations/tutorial search on google?

Turn your brain in the language. This may sounds silly and completely crazy but don't you worry this doesn't only sound. This is silly and completely crazy but WORKS. I challenge you to name your inner target language voice (ex: ok my spanish inner self is *spanish name*) and then each time you think about something, immediately translate your thoughts. And if you don't have enough vocabulary, just repeat a phrase or few words (thank me later, this reduce overthinking :3)

NOTEBOOKSSSSS. Get yourself one right awai and if you're not the type to hand write create yourself and good luck with the Spanish accent *very evil laughter* and then get inspired by prompts or translate jokes but this is not going to work, so just die

Binge watch ur fav show, asap, when you get basic vocabulary. Cartoons are the greatest. Or Disney movie. Warning: watching "coco" more than 12 times can cause certain damages

MAKE A PLAYLIST. RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW. To study, songs to sing, or to never sing or songs to daydream of you speaking fluently the language and insulting your monolingual haters ;)

Type "the benefits of a bilingual brain" on YouTube each time you feel like giving up.

Pretend you know the language each time someone ask you if you do and then fake it till you make it! (Don't get me wrong tho, pretend and then do it, the pretending part is only to get ur expectations higher 😭)

Type "questions generator" and then translate the website on Google translation in your target language, wear sunglasses or whatever FAnCy thing and pretend you're being interviewed 😎

Read a text out loud different times with different intonations

Create fictional characters that come from a country who speak your target language so you have to create an entire backstory of them in that country and introduce them in that language:3

Film yourself speaking or record your voice. This is cringe but so are you. Wanna fight???

Search "how I learn a learn [your target language] because the infinity of tips and infinite on YouTube and in whatever place.

Have fun and be chaotic !!!!

[sanzusbestie]

Wait wutฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ- what happened?

It's gonna be long lol

Ok so my friend (the one I always annoy) told me she went out with a girl from high school. We're gonna call my friend X and the other girl Y. So X told me that y was weird even when they were in high school, like always trying to touch her and all and she wouldn't mind if they were friends but they weren't. Anyway one day, still in HS, y asked X if they could hang out and X said okay but then y told her can you please ask Z (philosophy teacher, she was a chill young woman) if she wants to go with them and if she asked she would buy her a Burberry bag (she's crazy rich) and my friend was like wtf I don't need that I'll ask her.

Anyways they haven't talked since hs, and X unfollowed y on Instagram and one day y created a fake acc to talk to her, she knew it was her but she played along. Then they never talked again until last week she texted her asking her if she wanted to hang out because she was going to the states and wouldn't come back for 4 months. Like 4 months are nothing and X wouldn't even try to contact y if she was the one leaving simply bc they're not friends. Anyways my dumb friend agreed, my sister and I told her to say no but she didn't, and she went and omg y was so weird. One of the first questions she asked was "Are you still friends with... Yk the two girls... The ones with the scarf." And X knew she was talking about my sisters but she pretended not to understand and she said "Who ?" And y answered "the two Islamists" and my friend said "they're Muslims" and she was like "Oh but what did I say ?" And anyway the entire time she was like "Oh but you're so skinny how do you do it ? And you have such a big mouth I want the same ! I'm so sure you do injections huh do you ? Come one you can say it !" And my friend was like "No ?" And she was insisting.

Then she started tol talk about Z again like she talked about her for an hour easy saying that she wanted to be like her and that they should ha d out all three and my friend said "No. But if you want to see her feel free but I won't come." And know that almost every five seconds she'd interrupt thzjr conversation to talk about Z and say that they should hangout.

Then they took some pics in a photo booth some were in colours and some were b&w and y said "You're so pretty in b&w your skin looks so good, must be because your black ! I wanna be like you so bad, see ? I don't look good in w&b ?" But line no matter of you're black or not the principle of a pic in b&w is to be in fucking b&w no matter your skin colour.

My friend was wearing breads and one of them got stuck in the chair and y literally yelled while laughing "Hahaha your fake hair got stuck on the chair ! Your fake hair got stuck in the chair !" A d my friend said that it wasn't something to say a s y was like why did I say something wrong ? And at one point she showed some pics to my friend of her summer and she said "I was literally so black" and my friend said "no. You had a tan but you weren't black." We all know she'd be the type of person to use the N word while she has no rights to.

And omg don't get me started on her summer story. This girl really lives in another world.

Anyways she said a looooooooot of inappropriate things (I can't say everything) and as I said she kept talking about the philosophy teacher and was like I wanna be like her abd I wanna be like you and at the end, when they left she said "I'll tell you for Z ! Bye !" And then she rushed to go to her train.

Istg this is a psychopath behaviour.

[li0nh34rt]

Fake Dating AU

Chromophobia by @katzaren

When Liam accidentally outs Theo as gay at group therapy, Theo gets his revenge by claiming that Liam is his boyfriend. In order to make up for what he did, Liam goes along with the pretend relationship. Meanwhile, Theo struggles with his past and whether he even deserves a boyfriend, let alone a fake one, and Mason and Corey bet on whether or not Theo and Liam will become a real couple after their week of pretend dating.

[Mature / 10.6k / complete]

Theo's aunt Minnie comes to town by @tvtime

Liam and Theo have to pretend to be boyfriends when Theo’s Aunt Minnie comes to town. Fortunately, it isn’t too hard to fake. Post-series but no spoilers.

[Gen / 3.k / complete]

Just too good to be true by @raekentheoryarchive

Liam has the worst luck when it comes to girls. Things just keep crashing and burning. Mason tries to convince him that maybe it’s time to come out, to date a guy instead, but his best friend won’t hear it. So he and Corey decide to find him the ultimate date, someone who’s exactly his type—snarky, tendency to punch people, and tough enough to put up with their volatile friend. Bad boy Theo Raeken is the perfect fit, despite his murky past and caustic personality. And the fact that he won’t do it for free. What could go wrong? 

[TeenUp / 56.2k / complete]

It was only a bet by @volsungar-the-mighty

When Theo Raeken, captain of the college football team, loses a bet to one of his team mates, he is forced to start a fake relationship with Liam Dunbar, all around nerd and Theo’s neighbour, who constantly complains about the noise.

Theo isn’t expecting his feelings to become involved, yet they do, but before he can act on them, the worst happens – Liam finds out about the bet.

[Mature / 37.3k / complete]

Play by the rules by @xsophie2x

Theo and Liam's friends are tired of their constant bickering and arguing, and agree they need to do something about it. That's why they come up with a plan for them to get to know each other differently: pretend to be each other's boyfriends and date each other for a month. None of them really knows how it will work out, but are the end results really such a surprise?

[NR / 34.1k / wip]

I won't die for you (but maybe I will stand beside you) by @iwritefanfictionsometimes

Liam is an idiot who can't keep his mouth shut and now his mother is expecting a boyfriend for Christmas.

[Mature / 14.4k / complete]

Marshmallows and Mistletoe by @wolfenboyb

Liam brags about his new beau to friends and family, and as the holidays approach he's forced to bring them over. The problem is, he doesn't really have one. Enter Theo--alone at christmas and unable to say no to puppy dog eyes. Chaos ensues. Soft chaos.

[Gen / 6.1k / complete]

Faking It by @xtarmanderx

Theo and Liam have been best friends forever and they’ve gone unnoticed throughout school, much to Liam’s displeasure. One day at lunch, everything changes when a girl overhears them and is convinced they are dating. Liam, realizing this could be their shot at popularity by being the first same sex couple in schools, convinces Theo to fake date him. Between pretending and trying not to get caught, Theo will also have to avoid breaking his one rule: to not fall in love with his best friend.

[Mature / 19k / complete]

I lied when I was seventeen by @eclecticklutz @raekentheoryarchive

Liam had never been nervous in front of a crowd, but then again, he usually was doing something he was amazing at.

He was not amazing at words. Which explained why the following ones left his mouth:

"Well, uh... I... don't think... the person I have been seeing for the past month would appreciate me putting myself up for auction?"

 [TeenUp / 9.6k / complete]

The Butterfly Effect by @sweetpoisonedheart

Liam doesn’t think he needs a boyfriend or girlfriend but his friends seem to think otherwise.He gets tired of all the set-ups and ambushes, so he makes up a boyfriend. It gets them off his back for a couple of days but now they keep asking to meet him. In a panic, he asks his hot new neighbour - who just so happens to be pretty spot on for the guy Liam described - if he’ll fake date him and then break up in a couple weeks time. Things get complicated when Liam starts to develop actual feelings.

[Gen / 2.1k / wip]

Bad at Love by @sweetpoisonedheart

Liam and Theo had a great relationship..until they didn't and broke up. Liam has neglected to tell his family the news though and they keep letting him know how excited they are that he's bringing Theo home with him this weekend. He doesn't want to see the disappointment on their faces, so out of desperation he asks Theo to fake it, just for his mom's birthday..he doesn't expect Theo to agree so easily. Maybe along the way, they work through their issues and fall in love all over again.

[TeenUp / 2.1k / wip]

Prepare for trouble by @orphan_account

And make it double.

There's prom, and it's cheaper to buy tickets in pairs.

[TeenUp / 1.7k / complete]

Fake you out by @chuwuyas

"Theo, I need your help."

Theo groaned bored. "What?"

"I'm going to a dinner with my parents tonight... And I need you to be my fake boyfriend."

[Explicit / 4.4k / complete]

Bad Liar by @mmmwddd

When Liam's ex girlfriend comes back to town after a year he panics and tells her that he is dating someone.

[TeenUp / 12.3k / complete]

I loathe you I love you by @tonytonesphoneroo5000

It's only supposed to happen once. Problem is, it keeps happening, and they both hate it so much less than they should.

[Explicit / 30.1k / complete]

You think I'm hot? by @trashpanda_stories

Hayden is supposed to mary.

Liam is invited and needs a hot date, but he has a plan...

[NR / 2.8k / complete]

Not asking for a Miracle by @imthehotgirl

When Liam convinces Theo to pretend to be his boyfriend for the holidays he's not quite prepared for everything that follows.

[TeenUp / 8.2k / complete]

Wedding Bells by @lanceiferroar

Scott and Malia's wedding is coming up. Liam needs a date, especially when he hears that Hayden is bringing her new boyfriend. What will happen when Corey finds out that Theo is back in town and brings him to Liam's house?

[Mature / 7k / complet

Fake relationship = free food by @lilyoselrc

The five-times Liam and Theo pretended to be a couple, and the time that they didn’t have to.

[Gen / 3.k / complete]

How we got here by @godricsalzaar16

Liam and Theo aren't dating. Until they are. But they still aren't. Until they are.

It's all Liam's fault anyway. Theo's just doing this for the food.

[TeenUp / 9.3k / wip]

Black Diamond by @teenwolf-af

Liam and Theo go undercover as an engaged couple at a ski resort for a case. Theo likes Liam. Liam might kind of like Theo too. Not that either of them would ever admit it.

“Who’s at the door, babe?” Theo called from behind him. Liam could have sworn he felt his eye twitch.

“Our neighbors-“ he turned, but Theo was right there, sliding an arm around his waist. Not wearing a shirt. Why?

[TeenUp / 20.2k / complete]

Someone like you by @neko-alice-yami-esme

"I know this might sound crazy and you don't even know me at all but I would owe you so much if you could pretend you're my bofriend while my ex is here in this party!"

[TeenUp / 1.5k / complete]

Faking It by @blaxis

"Are you two dating?" Scott asked.

"Yes." They said in unison.

"But we're faking it,” Theo added, “To piss off Stiles, so don't tell him."

[TeenUp / 1.8k / complete]

Fake Date Me by @invisible_slytherin

“You should just find someone to fake date you,” Corey teased.

Or, the one where there's a new girl who flirts with Liam in Biology class.

[Gen / 2.5k / complete]

Are we pretending? by @raeannisapancake

Liam is in an awkward situation when Nolan asks him out. Luckily for him Theo is there to save him.

[Gen / 295 / complete]

Let's pretend by @invisible_slytherin

"I need you to be my fake boyfriend," Liam repeated.

Or, the one where Scott shouldn't have talked to Liam like he was fragile, Liam should have thought twice before engaging in a childish kind of revenge and Theo shouldn't have accepted to help.

[Gen / 7.5k / complete]

Prototype hearts by @ckaster

Scott severely understated the problem that the rogue omega would turn out to be. But that's not even Theo's biggest problem right now--no, not even close. That honor would go to one Liam Dunbar, who was both harder to understand than anticipated and the object of a crazy werewolf's desires.

[TeenUp / 9.6k / wip]

[theficplug]

{My Boyfriend Does My Makeup with Trevante}

{The YouTube Series}

Warnings: none , fluff

Trevante  finally had some time off after his latest film had wrapped and although you were both private about your relationship. You decided to give your boos (your viewers) something special for 307k. 

"Welcome to or back to my channel my boos. I have a special guest today. Everybody say hello to my boo bear. Who agreed to do the My Boyfriend Does My Makeup Challenge with me. Say hey baby." You say to him as he flashes his pearly whites at the camera and you can already tell you're going to have to filter the thirst comments. 

"Hey , I'm uh Trevante y'all probably have seen me in a few things. If I seem like that familiar face that you can't put a name to. That's why. Also looking forward to playing some characters that don't die halfways through." He says jokingly at the end before giving a shy awkward little nod to the camera. 

You take his hand in yours and nuzzle closer into his side to get him to relax a little. 

"What I think a lot of people don't know is that even though he's always in front of the camera. He's also kinda shy and doesn't like a lot of attention on him, but unfortunately for you baby is that BOI WE FINNA BE ON YOUR ASS IF YOU MESS IT UP." You say jokingly as you set out all of the makeup and a little cheat sheet to tell him where everything goes. 

You watch him break into a smile and throw his hands up.

"Ye of little faith. That hurts bae." He says pretending to be hurt with his hand over his heart dramatically. 

"I'm only joking. I believe in you. Gimme kiss?" you ask before he pokes his lips out for you to press a soft kiss to his lips. 

"Alright , I'm ready. Today we're gonna use the Fenty foundation? We're just gonna take Miss Riri's stuff and rub it in, all over the face. You don't really need a sponge or brush or any of that. That's all to get you to spend more money." He says to the camera as if he knows what he's doing. 

You try to hold in your laughter while looking at the camera and shaking your head.

"You're doing good Tre. I feel prettier already. What's the next step?" You ask him as you watch him work. His tongue slightly poking out as he's concentrated on getting your face to look "right". 

Sometimes you just get caught up in how beautiful and kind he is. He always takes care of you and tries his hardest to be involved in anything you're interested in.

"I feel you eyeing me while I work and lemme just say it's highly distracting ma'am. I'm a professional." He says jokingly before giving you a quick kiss. You tug at his bottom lip before kissing him again.

"SHE GETTING DEMONETIZED Y'ALL. We gotta keep it pg." He says before working his way down the little cheat sheet you've left him. 

"If you poke me in my eye. I'm swinging." You say to Trevante as he grips your chin gently while trying to apply eyeliner.

"Y'all see how she be treating me? Gon beat my ass in front of all of y'all like that.  Lemme stop before that's all over Twitter. Shhh, stop fidgeting let me get it right. " He says and you can feel the felt tip going past where the little flick needed to stop. 

"How do I look baby?" You ask as you batting your eyelashes at him and watch his face scrunch slightly at messing it up.

"Hollup it's whopped on that side. Give me a wipe from over there please. . . You said earlier that you wanted to ask me some questions." Tre says to you not bopping along to the soft music playing in the background.

"If you could not love me in this way anymore. Do you think you could love me in a different way? Because you know how when some people break-up. It's so traumatic for them that they can't bare being around the person that they were with because the love there is different." You ask the heavy hitting question that came from an insta sticker. This man was actually a giant teddy bear and pouting at your question.

"For the record I ain't going nowhere. This man put a ring on it." You say giggling and waiting for his response.

"I love you in all ways , always. You know that. But, I'm tryna think about what you're asking. You're saying if weren't together no more. Could I still love you? Absolutely, we were friends before even getting together. When we met in the makeup trailer. I knew that you were going to be important in my life. And that I was gonna love you in some way. But I am grateful that I get to love you this way. I get to love you romantically , emotionally, spiritually, and (cover your ears kids) physically. I'm in love with you." He says before giving the camera a wink and blowing a kiss at them. 

Your jaw drops slightly at his response. You could not be more in love with this man if you tried. You thought to yourself before leaning in to kiss his nose and then all over his face and finally his lips. 

"Damn, I mean I think I like you or whatever." You say to his as he smacks his teeth and shakes his head while laughing at your response. 

"I'm in love with you too Nemour. I only had 3 questions picked out. So here's my second one. When is the wedding? Someone on Instagram asked." You say to him as he nods 

"We have a date and it's in my fiancee's favorite season and that's about all I can tell you on that. But I'm sure when it's all said and done she'll put a cute little video package together for y'all." He says as he applies highlighter to your nose and you look at him before bursting into laughter.

"Of course. I promise my boos will be included into the wedding somehow, but Y'ALL lemme bring the camera in please look at how this man got my nose looking like a Christmas ornament. We're going on a lil date right after this. I'm finna be looking shhmmooking hot." You say sarcastically and he couldn't even stay pressed as he breaks out into laughter with you. 

"Okay so you're on the last part of my routine which is lips. So before you start I'll ask one last question from Twitter. It says what was our first impression of each other." You smile at the question remembering exactly what he was wearing and everything.

"Well I met you while working on the set of Predator. I was like damn okay lil chocolate drop. Can I get your number? No, but really I thought you were beautiful and funny and just like full of light. There were some early morning call times where I was just grumpy as hell and had to wake up at like 4am and have to hang off fake plane for who knows how long. But there you were in the trailer already dancing around to this one throwback song and giving everybody positive morning affirmations.

Just getting shit done too. I was just standing there watching you in your element. Your lil fro bouncing side to side as you swayed around getting all of your supplies together. And I remembered you ordered everybody breakfast with like Uber Eats or something. Your energy had me hooked from the start. I think I'm more of a morning person now because of you." He says as he picks out the lipstick color.

"You never told me that! That's so sweet boo bear. I was just trying to make everybody feel better 'cause those were some long ass hours. Trying to add all the lil scars and makeup and everything so early in the morning was a lot. But I got to spend more time with you so I wasn't complaining. My first impression of you hmmm. I think I was shocked at how beautiful you are! Wait , wait lemme explain. I've seen you before on that one Tyler Perry show as Ramsey before you got killed off. And just like when I found out you were going to be in that film. I was nervous as hell. And when you walked into the trailer with your beanie almost over your eyes and your headphones on like you were too cool for school. I knew I had to play it cool. I just like sauntered over to you and offered you a breakfast plate. It worked though. Cause you was grooving to Brandy too. After that I realized how you have the driest humor, and yet you are the funniest person I know. I mean like dad joke central with him. He be slapping his knee and everything y'all. But he could've been a whole comedian." You say to the camera and he waits for you to finish before he starts applying the deep plum shade of lipstick.

"My humor may be dry but you still be doing the scatter run when I do the Norbit voice." He says laugh softly at you already about to start wheezing. 

"Done?" You ask him as he sits back admiring his work. 

"I don't think I did too bad. Look" he says handing you the mirror as you look closely

"My lashes barely hanging on and my eyeliner doing the Cha Cha Slide but other than that I think it looks good. You did a good job baby." You say giving him a kiss as he smirks into it. Already getting the big head.

"I'm coming for your brand baby. Multi-talented." He says to the camera.

"Alright and with that I'mma end this video before his head gets even more inflated. I seen some juicer questions earlier but y'all there ain't no tea. We sexy but our own type of sexy. I gotta show y'all the photos from Halloween when we dressed as Marcus Burnett and Mike Lowry from Bad Boys... We're that couple."  You say chuckling softly.

"Alright my boos, y'all know what to do. Like , comment , and subscribe if you want. Turn on the notification bell so you can know when your faves fave post again. Who knows I might get him to do the No Hands Kissing Challenge for 400k. And an OnlyFans video for 1 million." You say half jokingly as it flies over his head for a moment before the lightbulb goes off. 

"I don't know about all that maybe 5 milli. Alright y'all , be kinder to yourselves and stay blessed. Byyyeeeee" He says in your voice as he does your outro and you couldn't wait to just wrap your arms around him and love on him. 

[punkscowardschampions]

Jimmy & Janis

Jimmy: [I'm thinking like long enough that Mia and Co can establish a pattern of stalking him shamelessly but not long enough that half the hol is over obviously] Jimmy: Oi Jimmy: have a word to your sister Janis: you're alright Jimmy: I ain't Jimmy: bad enough she's always here without leaving half her clothes Janis: what you chatting Jimmy: There's the selective dyslexia Jimmy: sort it out Janis: sort out coming at me like I've got a clue what you're on about if you want solutions Jimmy: fuck's sake, Judith Jimmy: she's coming at me at work Jimmy: they all are Janis: lol where do you work sephora Jimmy: Yeah, that'll be why I knew so much about lipstick when you attacked me with it Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: that sounds like a you problem Janis: her details are NOT hard to find on purpose, like Jimmy: I didn't put in all them fake dating hours to end up where I were Jimmy: or to have a lovely chat with her Janis: what do you expect me to do Janis: if she cared about my feelings she obviously wouldn't be trying to fuck you or get a free makeover Jimmy: not be a dickhead Jimmy: but alright Janis: she's an annoying bitch Janis: my condolences Janis: not news to me Jimmy: in a bit then Janis: give me her shit then, I'll take it home Janis: where do you actually work though Jimmy: Common Grounds Jimmy: [sends her the deets] Janis: alright Janis: I'll be in later, leave it with whoever if you're off Jimmy: 👍 Janis: can't you bar them Jimmy: Top idea to piss off my manager Jimmy: no rich girls Janis: 🙄 Janis: they ain't the only ones about Janis: idk, hide when they come in next time Jimmy: they're the ones most often about Jimmy: tips are well up Jimmy: 🥈 idea to piss off my manager Jimmy: do nowt Janis: I know you don't all need to serve Jimmy: Use your big head Jimmy: they ask for me Janis: 🤢 Janis: she better not be Janis: not that rich Janis: who the fuck does she think she is Jimmy: Mia's the only one allowed to talk Jimmy: keep up with the squad rules, mate Janis: no tah Janis: want me to put in a sneaky complaint Jimmy: I get it, you don't play by them Jimmy: 😈 you Jimmy: why you never 💔 me Janis: ain't been back that long Janis: christ, my holiday too Jimmy: if you wanna just 👻 me, crack on with doing nowt Jimmy: it's working anyway Janis: is it? Janis: 'cos you just said it weren't Jimmy: not with them but my DMs are full of people ❔ & 💔 that I ain't posting about you Janis: there you go Janis: so wanna go with that, caspar? Jimmy: Do you? Janis: Don't make odds to me, I've proved my point, whether that lot wanna listen or not, like you said Janis: everyone else has so Jimmy: more questions if you don't swap me for some other dickhead though Janis: great Janis: I'll attach myself to the nearest prick then Jimmy: If you've got another answer for why you went from 😍😍😍 to 😑 then go with that Jimmy: like you said, ain't been that long Janis: you were way more 😍😍😍 Janis: but sure Janis: ugh, I'll be thinking on this bus then Jimmy: Bollocks Jimmy: you were Janis: take the compliment Janis: such a good actor Jimmy: Piss off Janis: What? Jimmy: I know you're calling me a drama queen or owt like it Jimmy: an insult up north that Janis: Calm down Billy Elliot Janis: I was saying you fake rocked my world, remember Jimmy: It ain't that kind of cafe like Jimmy: if you want dancers that's up the road Janis: I'm neither coming for you nor the lattes, boy Janis: coming 'cos her idea of flirting is pretending she's braindead and loses all her shit on the reg 🥴🤪 Janis: so appealing, right Jimmy: Good shout, me and every drink are too expensive Jimmy: gotta stay rich, eh? Jimmy: and 'course obvs 🤤🤤 Janis: 😂 Janis: that kind of dancer, are you Janis: left my ones at home Janis: soz Jimmy: a shit one but keep that between me and you Jimmy: it just ain't goals babe Janis: 🤐 Janis: your next gf, real or otherwise, won't hear it from me Jimmy: 💕 Jimmy: #whenyourexaintapsycho Jimmy: what's that like? Janis: Poor kid Janis: not you, but 💔 of course Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Jimmy: getting richer thanks to 💀👑 but still Janis: it feels dirty, no I get it Janis: maybe just be a stripper Jimmy: 👍 Janis: they won't get in Janis: 👶💀 Jimmy: nor would you 💔💔 Janis: 1. I don't wanna see that but keep that between me and you Janis: 2. yes I would Jimmy: Baby please Jimmy: such a liar OMG 😭😭😱😱 Jimmy: reckoned you and WE were better than that 💔���💔 Janis: it's called a private show Janis: nothing #goals about paying for it Jimmy: nowt goals about pretending you can get where you can't Janis: you think you can be a stripper fullstop Janis: too twink to be legal, babe Jimmy: You think I can 'cause you're 😍😍😍 Jimmy: I never said it Janis: 😠😠😠 Janis: don't tell me what I think OMG Jimmy: stop thinking about me naked then Janis: pretty sure you have to keep your thong on Janis: this is a Christian country, thank you very much Jimmy: how much have you thought about this? Jimmy: gonna make me 😳 girl Janis: Stripping? Janis: Not much Janis: my lack of tits and all 💔 Jimmy: Me stripping 'cause you'll be suggesting thong colours in a bit Jimmy: and my tits are decent so not a problem Janis: Well, black, obviously Janis: but that's just a given Jimmy: But babe you love pink!! Janis: that's the colour of your skin, it's obscene Jimmy: Have you gone blind? Jimmy: have you been all this time? Janis: no, whiteboy Jimmy: It'd explain the PJs and missing my neck when you went in with your teeth Jimmy: you sure? Janis: What do you mean? Jimmy: What do you mean what do I mean? Janis: I mean both were intentional and you know it Jimmy: admitting I know something? Jimmy: are you alright? Janis: just sick of talking to idiots Janis: if it's all the same to you Jimmy: you ain't gonna wanna come here then Janis: I don't, hence I'm going to the gym first Janis: quite near there, who knew babe Jimmy: Not me Jimmy: 💪 is natural Janis: pah Janis: don't make me actually LOL Jimmy: I carried you, don't make me have to recreate it 'cause you have some kind of memory loss Janis: and I'm skinny, regardless of the complex you wanna give me, pervert Jimmy: don't make you light Jimmy: you're not a 💀 girl Janis: been making you carry her 'round, has she Janis: she's not that rich and you're not that downtrod Janis: there are some rights you've got, like Jimmy: How are you not getting how high maintenance my ex was? Jimmy: you're not my first princess Janis: 💔 Janis: aw I thought I was special Jimmy: I know Jimmy: soz Janis: no worries, just drop the 🏋 on my head Janis: ttfn Jimmy: 👌 Janis: none of them are there rn are they? Jimmy: they left a bit ago Janis: great Janis: I'm not ruining my streak of Grace-free days Jimmy: 🏆💪 Jimmy: I get it Janis: Exactly Janis: 🥇 Jimmy: or nowt baby Janis: Mhmm Jimmy: we're so in sync 💕 Janis: not the worst team Janis: just ask the fans Jimmy: won't be able to when I delete my accounts 💔 better do that Q & A quick like Janis: going 👻? Jimmy: that 💀😭💔 over you, Jill Janis: but actually Jimmy: ? Janis: easiest way to shut 'em up is just to throw 'em a 🦴 yeah Janis: won't be all that taxing to just get a pic whilst I'm picking up her shit Jimmy: The lighting in here is #🔥 Jimmy: and I do know your angles Janis: half the appeal, obviously Janis: give you a solid 35% Janis: the iced coffees a 15% Jimmy: if you order iced coffee I'll dump you myself Jimmy: give a shit what the plan were meant to be Janis: those are their numbers, not mine Janis: I don't even drink coffee, just give you a tip so you don't 😢 Jimmy: I know that, rich girl Jimmy: I'm the dickhead making them Jimmy: no need to give me a tip, give me a like and retweet Janis: 😏 missed me that much yeah Jimmy: you know it 💕 Jimmy: just gotta tell everyone else Janis: 'course Janis: now we're back in civilization, more inclined to do so Jimmy: what you ain't gonna miss holding your phone up in the air like a right knob? Janis: ahh #memories Jimmy: save it they'll 💀 over that Janis: sad that it's true Janis: so popular Jimmy: 😏 yeah you sound 💔 mate Janis: like you don't find it even a tiny bit amusing Jimmy: if it weren't I wouldn't still be bothering Janis: exactly Jimmy: 💀👑 makes me 😂 not soz Jimmy: what's her #obsession with you? Janis: Obvs we've been in a centuries-long battle over the title queen of the undead and she's mad I wear it better Janis: I actually don't know though Janis: mad that I hate my sister more than she does? mad my hair doesn't fall out in clumps? Jimmy: 💀 pact but make it #goals, I get it Jimmy: 🩸 ain't everyone's colour Janis: she ain't got any, anemic cow Janis: not that I'd trust drinking from her, like Jimmy: alright 🤢 ain't anyone's either Janis: 😂 Janis: can only imagine the hilarious shit you've been forced to overhear Jimmy: crack on Janis: heard the general gist plenty of times but assume they're tailoring it towards you which means it's even more cringe than normal Jimmy: Your sister actually mute or? Jimmy: like is it some 🏆💪 with your deaf brother Janis: ha, no, you joking Janis: even he wishes she'd stfu Jimmy: never heard her say owt and I'M obvs 💔💔 Janis: idk then Janis: you probably seem the type that likes introspective, quiet girls #deep Janis: maybe she's giving that a shot Jimmy: 😂😂😂 Jimmy: that's a fucking misread Janis: her specialty Jimmy: where does she reckon I'm from? Up north there ain't no quiet girls Janis: exactly, you poor misunderstood boy 💔💔 Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻🎻 Janis: s'a tragedy, truly Jimmy: Mia probably cut her tongue out for saying black's the new pink Jimmy: that's the real one Jimmy: such an underappreciated colour your fave Janis: Yeah, dead awkward she's done be such a solid Janis: have to say thank you and everything Jimmy: I'll sign it for you Jimmy: know everything I need to if I'm gonna chat to her Janis: 💀👑 her personality revolves around how fast she can get things in and out her mouth Janis: no time or need for chatting, I already told you Jimmy: 😍😍🤤🤤 Jimmy: but that'll be why she's gone deaf, that & the starvation Janis: why's she deaf Jimmy: weren't listening to none of them when she let them say owt Janis: can't blame her Janis: who'd wanna listen to any of 'em Jimmy: oh I dunno the tall one was making some fair points Janis: 😂 about what, whether to paint their nails this shade of beige or this slightly darker shade of beige Janis: still not thrilling Jimmy: about you being a dickhead Jimmy: not a direct quote Jimmy: taken some liberties with it Janis: awh the tall one likes me Janis: maybe I'll let her pick me up and climb up the nearest skyscraper 💕 Jimmy: I don't reckon you get to call her the tall one when you're tall as you are, babe Jimmy: but as dates go, you could do worse Janis: She's gargantuan Janis: you're just short Jimmy: 🦍🏗💕 Jimmy: piss off I ain't short Jimmy: wind your giraffe neck in Janis: 😏 okay lil man Jimmy: I was brought up on 🥧 🥔 and 🚬 what do you want from me, honestly Jimmy: I ain't 💀💀💀 Janis: s'alright, you're not my real boyfriend, normal rules need not apply Jimmy: and you're not my real girlfriend so you don't get to slag me off Janis: I ain't Jimmy: 👍 Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: there's in-synch and then there's copying, babe Jimmy: don't start something then Jimmy: I'm up to my actual 👀 in mardy customers Jimmy: no need for you to copy that Janis: well if you're messaging even 2 other bitches rn that's probably why Janis: focus, boy Janis: cappucinos are your passion, you really need the dickhead in the suit to not be late to his meeting Jimmy: 1. what would I need you for if I were? 2. this needs all the focus of you making that sandwich you never after I fake rocked your world Jimmy: 3. Making me laugh is the 🥉 guaranteed idea you've had to piss off my manager Jimmy: 4. Are we going for a 4th 🏆 when you get here or what? Janis: 1. idk your business, I meant bitches = female not as in actual cunts 2. how 'bout you make me a panini, babe Janis: 3. they sound like a party are they at least daddy Janis: 4. what did you have in mind because I've strangely not come out in my PJs Jimmy: 1. only so much 🐕 training I've got time for Jimmy: 2. 💰💰 first Jimmy: 3. nah but my dad saw your 👂 handiwork and he's blooding raring to 💍👰 Jimmy: 4. Will it even be the same without them? 😱😭💔 Janis: 1. your dog sounds #problematic you mention it a lot just call me sherlock Janis: 2. golddigger Janis: 3. but I am gonna bae your da so fair's fair Janis: 4. it was just about the soft cotton 💔 soz everyone, can't go on Jimmy: 1. sounds it 'cause she is 👏 Jimmy: 2. starving artist Jimmy: 3. so fair you 💕 Jimmy: 4. obviously Janis: Poor baby, don't they let you eat the leftovers and sendbacks? Janis: That's criminal Jimmy: They do but I'm all about a sob story me Jimmy: white lies ain't criminal though so Janis: Noted Janis: full soap opera when I come through Jimmy: full orchestra an' all Jimmy: 🎻🎻 play on Janis: sure thing Janis: after I've slapped you, told you you are the dad, then you ain't and then tell you I'm 💀💀💀 so still look after it bye Jimmy: looking forward to it Janis: obviously Janis: perv Jimmy: you Janis: be pretty satisfying to smack you one but I wouldn't go that far Jimmy: save it for our fake break up, my dear Janis: spoilsport Jimmy: I do hate P.E but I wouldn't go that far, mate Janis: sucha 🤓 Jimmy: *😎 Janis: bet they ain't part of your uniform Janis: gutting Jimmy: such a #rebel an' all though 😈 Janis: with or without a cause though? Jimmy: It's that you only wear PJs Jimmy: the hill I'm gonna die on Janis: 😂 Janis: alright, start a # Jimmy: alright, hang on Jimmy: [does cos he's a nerd] Janis: brilliant Janis: cue the DMs asking to see, like Jimmy: Mr Lucas is gonna let you wear them to school like Jimmy: you're welcome Janis: looking to have a heart attack to get that early but not really pension Janis: 👀 you sir Jimmy: and he'll be seeing loads of you Janis: shut up Janis: 🤢 Jimmy: I know I'm good but making you voming on me #goals Jimmy: I dunno Janis: #goals for a very specific group of gals but probably not otherwise so 🤫 Jimmy: don't reckon you can use #goals and them in the same sentence, Joanne Jimmy: challenge too far Janis: true Janis: right, lemme hit the showers then I can be there Jimmy: tah for that Jimmy: 👃 before 👀 weren't part of the plan Janis: piss off I'm not a skank Jimmy: admitting you faked your work out Jimmy: well committed you Janis: no, admitting I ain't gonna leave the gym after without washing Jimmy: 🏆 Janis: leave me alone so I can do it in peace Janis: or I'll never get there Jimmy: Glad I don't need to talk you through it Janis: thanks, left my blindfold at home Janis: dickhead Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: you should wear that all the time an' all it was a #look Janis: no thanks Janis: fake trust will only get us so far Jimmy: only so many fake injuries I can nurse Jimmy: 😇 of 💀 weren't the pact Janis: 💔 Janis: suited you Jimmy: white's my colour Jimmy: why I'm staying pure til 👰 Janis: not if I've got anything to do with it Janis: which I already have so shh Jimmy: If anyone asks I'm filthy, gotcha Janis: you can be a bit more vague Janis: not gotta hoe it up, be fit and mysterious, like Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: been that since I got here Janis: you ain't a part-timer, I get it Jimmy: not with this job and the one I'm being paid for Janis: hot Jimmy: I know Jimmy: ☕ machine burns to prove it babe Janis: so brave too Janis: wow 😍😩🤤 Jimmy: stop flirting with me Jimmy: cold 🚿 Jimmy: we've got work to do Janis: 👌 Janis: even though it's so sexy when you get serious Janis: 😏 Jimmy: I ain't even started Jimmy: wait til I get my 📷 out, girl Janis: umm Jimmy: You scare easy, I remember Jimmy: it'll be alright Janis: 😑 stop saying that Janis: I ain't scared of a flash Jimmy: no need, I know what I'm doing Janis: you better Janis: good thing I can roll with the punches 'cos you're not exactly clueing me in Jimmy: You're in good hands baby Jimmy: nowt else to say Janis: I guess not Janis: in a bit then Jimmy: 😘 Janis: [showing up but outside] Janis: you want me to come in or what Jimmy: Do you wanna? Jimmy: I'm due a break Janis: not gonna cockblock your work romances unnecessarily Janis: come out then Jimmy: They'd only have to check my socials to see how 😍😍 we are Jimmy: but alright Jimmy: [comes out and immediately lights a 🚬 obvs] Janis: people love cheating, only point of having a 9-5, #amiright Janis: [just like hey but not with words obvs] Jimmy: [doesn't answer her typed message because not that type of boy and also #triggered but offers her a 🚬 in greeting] Janis: [picking up such a casual habit lmao like how he never asked if she smokes and she just went with it] Jimmy: [bit rude actually boy but fair assumption cos she wasn't like OMG NO GROSS haha] Jimmy: [when you really need that 🚬 but also you don't have long if you're gonna stage a casual #reunion photoshoot oh the awks] Janis: [least they can take photos as he does 'cos that #badboy rep honey] Jimmy: [hopefully it'll turn at least a few of the 🚭 brigade off] Janis: [you can dream boy but we know you look good fight me, let her put up the pics as her casual #comeback 'sorted'] Jimmy: [he looks hot as hell doing it and we've seen the proof honey, don't even need to discuss at this point how needlessly hard they are going at this for the #fans and not cos they've missed each other nope] Janis: ['course not, like there's every need to be so PDA, mhmm] Jimmy: [cos clearly every real couple is this extra and it's not as if Grace has already called you out or anything] Janis: [soz they need their flimsy excuses lads] Jimmy: [soz you're all jealous] Janis: ['what she even leave anyway?'] Jimmy: ['what hasn't she?' exaggeration but not by much] Janis: [🙄 'what the fuck'] Jimmy: [does a gun finger and puts it to her head & then his because honestly] Janis: [sticks her tongue out and closes her eyes like a nerd but shakes her head like] Jimmy: [when you can't help a little genuine smile cos she cute] Janis: [just like what but not mad] Jimmy: [just looking at her like ?? even though you know what boy] Janis: [pushing his arm but again not aggressive like lol] Jimmy: [when you stop her by holding onto hers but in the most flirty way ever cos obviously bye] Janis: [just raising her eyebrows like really] Jimmy: [doing it back, oh boy be careful if you think you're challenging her rn] Janis: [just maintaining that eye contact for the longest they've probably ever 'your fag break ain't long enough, boy'] Jimmy: ['never is'] Janis: [makes heart with her hands then breaks it 'imagine if you didn't smoke then' 'cos true you get more breaks if you do by default hence they try and crack down on it] Jimmy: [mimes playing that violin 'why you trying to give me suicidal thoughts?'] Janis: [points finger gun back at his head then does a shrug 'not now?'] Jimmy: ['imagine if you had to work for your money, rich girl' shrugs back 'least wait until school starts, get on their roof and let the crowd form, like'] Janis: [gasps dramatically and clutches her chest like how dare you even think it 😏 nods 'sure, you wanna see how many you can take out with you, very white boy of you'] Jimmy: [😏 'more fun when you're in the mood too' and a look cos we know he doesn't mean a 💀 mood lads and nods like yep knew you'd appreciate that] Janis: [tuts like she's so unamused sure ok but you be looking back and not moving even though you could get the stuff and be on your way] Jimmy: [shakes his head in an amused way] Janis: [when you brb to go in for a piss/to be nosy and end up talking to pete like hey boy for the first time why not] Jimmy: [when I make him come back in just in time to see that just so he can be jealous for the first time lol] Janis: [we're so mean but it's real sow the seeds, just like oh hey gimme her crap then] Jimmy: [when you basically throw it at her cos you're 😒] Janis: [when you're obvs ?! at the change in mood but like alright then go with that 'cos what else can you like laters lads] Jimmy: [aggressively makes lattes while watching her go like this is fine] Janis: [lmao poor clueless pete like this is a weird vibe] Jimmy: [god bless that sweet sweet boy] Janis: any point besides 'leave me the fuck alone' you need me to get across to her? Jimmy: is there any point in telling her someone'll nick it next time if she just buy more shit? Jimmy: *can Jimmy: putting the possibility of a shopping spree in her head probably only encourage her Janis: 🔨🔩 on the head, like Janis: any excuse Janis: might turn her all Winona and is there any less endearing rich girl stereotype Janis: she struggles enough as is 💔 Jimmy: 🔨🔩 in the head, like 🤞 Jimmy: 💀💀💀 Janis: god I wish they were still giving out lobotomies like they were last season's prada, honey Jimmy: don't reckon I can fake being a nurse hard enough to sign off on that Jimmy: soz Janis: no oscar for you then Janis: and I thought you were convincing for a sec there Jimmy: put your PJs back on and maybe it'll inspire me Janis: if that was a factor you'd have been more inspired Janis: 😏 Jimmy: I was 🥇 Janis: saying I weren't, please Jimmy: you can have 🥈 Janis: piss off Janis: I put in more graft than you Jimmy: Bollocks, you were lying there 'injured' Janis: Your fault Jimmy: and I had to apologise like some kind of dickhead Jimmy: where's yours for being one? Janis: again, YOUR idea to go do it so shut up Janis: matters is it worked Janis: they've been crying about it since, like Jimmy: Me an' all Jimmy: having to 😘 you has that effect Janis: Pussy Jimmy: That why you're so into it? Janis: that's why I'm the better actor and you should try harder Jimmy: every new comment disagrees with you, mate Jimmy: 🏆 and 👑 me Janis: Not really a brag if they can tell how not into you I am, is it Janis: idiot Jimmy: The whole plan is that you 💔 me not 💍👰 Jimmy: idiot Janis: sympathy sex is your thing Janis: gross Jimmy: Dunno, not had any yet Jimmy: fact is I've got the harder job being 💕😍 that's why I'm 🥇 and you ain't Janis: you changed the plan back Janis: stop pissing about Janis: and the fact is that's a matter of opinion and no one has a higher opinion of you than you Jimmy: Me? You came here and you said we just give everyone more of what they want Jimmy: it's starting to sound like it's what you want and you've got that high opinion of me Janis: I'm not even entertaining that level of narcissism and bullshit Janis: because YOU were complaining so much and asking ME to do something about it Janis: but easy, I will tonight Janis: 💔 hit harder with the tease of a reunion Jimmy: 👍 Janis: Sorted then Janis: actually this time Jimmy: if you stop pissing about, yeah Janis: You're a joke, mate Jimmy: Glad you're 😂 'cause I ain't Janis: go 😢 some more Janis: good practice Jimmy: No need, I'm the 🥇 one Janis: at being a little bitch 💔 Janis: take it, I'm good Jimmy: That's my role, can't change it now, you'll get even mardier Janis: No shit, you had your fucking chance Janis: this is the narrative you want, hope it's everything you dreamed of Jimmy: Tah Janis: 💕 Janis: Bye Jimmy: 😘 Jimmy: [literally showing up like a 👻 from the shadows to pull her away from that fuckboy before anything can happen okay] Janis: [when you can barely wait to be like 'what the fuck' 'cos you're that mad like better not be no smokers outside 'cos casually running out] Jimmy: [when you're just looking at her like DON'T DO THIS oh honey you're gonna have to use your words] Janis: [like the level of exasperated cannot be overstated in this moment 'what the fuck' but 🔊 and with more feeling] Jimmy: [When you're gonna type it and pretend like it's cos you don't want peeps to hear but really it's cos you can't look at her rn without showing more than you're ready to] Jimmy: You're right Jimmy: it ain't gonna work Jimmy: they'll just throw themselves at me harder Janis: [the awkward moments when she ain't getting her phone out so is just like fuck you then and ready to walk off before she checks without thinking 'cos habit] Janis: yeah well Janis: why should I make that my problem now Jimmy: [shrugs] Jimmy: [but then just when she'd be about ready to fuck off is like 'I fucked up, I get it' softly and also with feeling] Janis: ['just-' pausing to think how to word this so she doesn't go off off but also so he get its 'cos can't do this again tah 'it ain't gonna fucking work if you don't admit you need it to too, I don't even need to know all your fucking reasons, but you clearly have them and so do it so own it. I'm not making you do shit and I won't do shit for you, even if it'd benefit me, yeah, if you're gonna take the piss like that' breathes out and folds her arms like there, done] Janis: I,* Jimmy: ['Alright' unfolds her arms really gently so it's not in a pisstaking way 'I said I get it'] Janis: [is 😠😟 but eventually does a nod like alright 'can I have a cigarette'] Jimmy: [nods too because #always and of course lights it for her and then one for him because needed] Janis: [just smoking in silence but jogging her legs up and down 'cos the casual pent up mess of emotions that ain't coming out tonight honey] Jimmy: So what did I miss? Have I gotta smack that dickhead or what? Janis: [shakes her head 'no one saw anything' nothing happened but point is don't owe him that info] Jimmy: [nods like oh good but we know it's cos he's a jealous mofo and is glad] Janis: who's socials did you have to stalk to get here Janis: 💀👑? Jimmy: I'm CONSTANTLY refreshing her feed ALWAYS babe Jimmy: the work did itself Janis: gutted for you she weren't on the trip Janis: the 💕 story would've written itself Jimmy: I've had my cry about it, it's alright Janis: probably for the best Janis: always competition at parties Janis: idk how welcome you'd be in the 'men are trash' bathroom sob sesh Jimmy: hang on, I'll go find out Jimmy: [doesn't actually move] Janis: [shaking her head but with less anger by now] Janis: not just from the girls, either Janis: [flashes her phone at him of Harry being whiny like come back where u at] Jimmy: [can't stop himself from being 😒 thank god that's his default expression lol] Jimmy: [takes her phone and deletes the messages like a sassy little bitch] Janis: [does fake cry] Janis: wow, they meant so much to me, how could you Janis: [but is like half-smile/smirk so he knows she ain't gonna be the one to start that up again so soon lmao] Jimmy: [puts his arm around her like he's fake comforting her but we know it real] Jimmy: you're in the right place to drown your sorrows Jimmy: come on Jimmy: [moves like he's gonna go inside but waits for her] Janis: [swipes at him like get off but instead moves his arm so it's around her waist so they can walk in like mat as well start now] Jimmy: [when you're buzzing about it but you can pretend its fake so its fine] Janis: better get that drink for me, babe Jimmy: You better come with 'cause you can't bear to be apart from me 💕 Janis: 🙄 Janis: [but actually 😏] Janis: I guess we are that couple rn Jimmy: No need to take a poll but can do Jimmy: [😏 too] Janis: 🤓 Janis: knew it Janis: got WAY too angry when I slated maths Jimmy: Oh please, Northerners can't even read or write, everybody knows that Janis: Can drink though, yeah? Janis: Try to keep up Janis: [goes in to make point like 'Slainte'] Jimmy: [obviously downs whatever drink to make his point that yeah he can] Janis: [get drunk kiddos, that's not risky AT ALL for yous; at least Harry is the type to see she's got a mans and just be smug like aw yeah she still wanted me, hit you up later babe wink wink, so don't need to brawl the idiot necessarily Jimothy but no one would be that mad if you two had to make a scene to show she don't want you boy bye] Jimmy: [what an absolute smug prick how bloody real but yeah Jimmy should totally use that excuse to be extra because obvs wants to smack him and is jealous af that something might have happened] Janis: [we know it's the typical shit party gotta make it fun somehow] Jimmy: [literally and the only other 'excuse' they need are that Mia and Co are also there so] Janis: [imagine how 😏 they'd have been when she turned up just her and how 😒 when he shows up to meet her lmao] Jimmy: [sucks to suck gals] Janis: [chin chin] Jimmy: what did you eat? You taste like Jimmy: [when you trail off so she don't know if its a compliment or an insult but we do] Janis: don't be ridiculous Janis: don't eat the day before a party Janis: rule #22, like Jimmy: you don't play by or keep up with their rules Jimmy: unless it has been that long Jimmy: did you get to the top of the lobotomy waiting list then? Janis: [shrugs like maybe, boy 😏] Janis: you snooze, I lose a good chunk of my frontal lobe Jimmy: [shrugs back] Jimmy: ah well, give me an easier life that Janis: 🤞 me and all Janis: or I'll have to sue, yeah Janis: #richgirltingz Jimmy: [shakes his head like he's so #overit but is 😏] Jimmy: how much 💸💸💸 were that outfit? Janis: well idk, if I say a months worth of tips is that impressive or nah Janis: 💔 poor boy Jimmy: Depends Jimmy: You mean my tips or the other dickheads that work there? Janis: depends who's the favourite, of course Jimmy: you don't need your frontal lobe to work that one out Janis: alright, dickhead Janis: glad they're compensating you for your time Jimmy: [nods over to where Mia is 👀🔪 at them] Jimmy: didn't 👑🏆 myself Janis: [waves like hey babes and gestures like 'come over' 'cos she obvs won't] Janis: got it's perks then Jimmy: I draw the line at a fake threesome Janis: [snorts and makes a face like desgustang] Janis: I reckon she's had enough she'd know the difference Jimmy: I get it, she keeps it #real yeah? 😎😎😎 Janis: 🤤🤤🤤 on that in your own time Jimmy: don't reckon I can Jimmy: if anyone asks the 😍😍😍 are all yours Janis: 👌 Janis: better move outta their line of sight so there's no confusion Janis: [head to the kitchen] Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: [get more drinks down you, what could go wrong kids] Janis: [dickhead should be in here 'cos can't go anywhere lads] Janis: [downing that drink like] Jimmy: [likewise because fuming] Janis: [fun and games] Janis: this is so dry Janis: you been to an actual decent party here yet? Jimmy: Have you? Jimmy: [cos that's the tea they're never decent] Janis: [😏 like fairplay] Jimmy: [making himself comfortable in that kitchen rn downing drinks (which isn't a bad idea oh no) cos that fuckboy has gotta leave first can't show weakness] Janis: took the challenge to heart, mate Janis: [keeping up which ain't gonna come back to haunt ya] Jimmy: accepted it Jimmy: 🥇 or nowt Janis: drink to that Jimmy: [cue to down another drink of course] Janis: you live far from here? Janis: if I'm gonna have to carry you, like Jimmy: you have your 💪 cut out same time as your 🧠? Jimmy: 💔🎻💔 Janis: 🖕 Janis: you're just so big Jimmy: send that tweet anytime you fancy Janis: [does] Janis: 🥇 Jimmy: any excuse to reply with how well hard I am an' all Jimmy: [does] Jimmy: 💕 Janis: 😂 Janis: such an idiot Jimmy: 🥇 Janis: 💕 my idiot Jimmy: 😍😍😍 Janis: this song is the worst Janis: gonna go change it Janis: [to the living room girl] Jimmy: [when you pull her back for a sec so you can kiss her 'goodbye' dramatically for your audience] Janis: miss u already bb Jimmy: obvs Janis: [assume she puts something decent on lol] Janis: don't get lost Jimmy: [comes back through carrying drinks, gives her one and knocks his against it as if he approves of the song choice but actually like I didn't get lost well done me and kisses her again for the #reunited mood] Janis: [going harder this time 'cos you can pretend it's 'cos Mia and co are in this room] Jimmy: [lowkey picking her up (but in the way she's still standing her feet are just off the floor) whilst because you ain't forgot what she said about carrying you] Janis: [when you whisper something pisstake-y about how strong he is in his ear for the look of the thing] Jimmy: [😏] Janis: ['just how bad are you at dancing then?' still in his 👂] Jimmy: ['How good are you?' in hers because he means that he needs all the help he can get but he also means he wants to see that, we know] Janis: [nods, 'just let me do the work' 'cos lbr dudes can get away with that if the girl is decent, leading him to where peeps are dancing so they can get lost in the crowd a bit but we know bitches be 👀] Jimmy: [Save him Janis we gotta keep this #goals but least the way he'd be feeling it would be so] Janis: [we all know it would be regardless like more than they be anticipating] Jimmy: [100% because that chemistry 5ever] Janis: [lowkey 😳 but it'd be literally hot in there so you're safe] Jimmy: [the constant 🐘 in the room of how into each other you are in ways that you literally can't fake, okay lads] Janis: [gonna have to break this up somehow] Jimmy: [someone could easily spill a drink on one of them by being a drunken dickhead cos always happens] Janis: [take that one for the team, then he can 'pretend' to be all gentlemanly and help] Jimmy: [close to a cold shower as you're getting rn, so offended on her behalf though cos her outfit is 🔥] Janis: [honestly rude, get another drink whilst you clean up in the bathroom] Janis: fucking hate parties Jimmy: [ooh if it's a lad he can kick off because never got to with Harry and he's got those pent up emotions] Jimmy: we can go Janis: [totally, she ain't gonna stop him, not that 'he's not worth it' type of bitch lol] Janis: not 'til the drink runs dry Janis: shits free, think on Jimmy: alright, pisshead Janis: what's the matter, not feeling 🥇 no more? Jimmy: [joins her in the bathroom to clean up the 🩸 from going too hard on some poor random which is an answer in itself cos obvs won] Janis: [trying to look unphased with almost total success but you catch his eye in the mirror, pass him a towel to fuck up soz whoever's gaff this is they do not care] Jimmy: [checking her out in the mirror too anyway because let's assume she's hitting that cliche where you gotta remove your top to clean it in the sink] Jimmy: [so glad you two are alone in a confined space rn yep] Janis: ['course, just be semi-clothes nbd you know each other like that mhmm] Jimmy: [don't think about what a pro he'd be at getting blood out #thanksIan] Janis: ['not got us kicked out? must be popular'] Jimmy: [shrugs] Janis: [turn 'round so she's actually looking at him, not via the mirror, assesses the damage gently and nods 'you'll survive'] Jimmy: ['weren't nowt but a little scrap, he might an' all'] Janis: ['outfit weren't that pricey, like' just casually still holding his face like bitch you done checking 'we can actually go now, if you wanna..'] Jimmy: [shamelessly looks her up and down 'reckon we can keep that between me and you' WHEN YOU'RE JUST SAYING SHE LOOKS GOOD AS HELL BYE] Janis: ['we could do that too' just gotta hold that eye contact and take a lil step towards him like challenge accepted] Jimmy: [when you only break the eye contact to stare at her lips #goodideaboynotdangerousatall] Janis: ['go rob me a top or we can't go anywhere' when your tone makes it sound like that's an option too tho] Jimmy: [gives her his like walking around topless is an option for him either] Jimmy: [we all know you want to just so she has to give him lovebites on all that bare skin mhmmm I see you boy] Janis: [lols but shamelessly checking him out too now nothing to lose yeah lads 'so chivalrous, you' and you know the others have faded now, checking for them too like this will never do 'so you reckon you could take a few more bruises for me then?'] Jimmy: ['Death pact's tomorrow' like she's gonna freeze it's April not December boyyy but we know meant to be a nod to how hungover they might be if they keep drinking so hard ha and also him saying he'll live/do your worst #notgonnaregretthatohno] Janis: ['won't be in any state to hold you to that, no danger' when you're just scanning his bod plotting where you're gonna do 'em like this is very serious 'don't want 'em to think we've been up here doing nowt, yeah'] Jimmy: [when you're just trying not to die before she's even touched you #mood so you can only shake your head cos can't trust your voice not to betray you rn] Janis: ['got my vampire rep to protect if nothing else' when you done giving reasons why you're about to go in 'cos we all know you just really wanna] Jimmy: ['you earnt that one if nowt else' god's speed Jimothy cos this is gonna be a MOMENT] Janis: [all over that neck and chest down to his stomach 'cos you're 'drunk' (barely) and have no chill, coming back up to his ear to do a throwback one and then being all 'you taste like-' whilst you're there] Jimmy: [RIP him because it feels that good AND you got dragged by your own 'diss' #amazing but of course he has to hit her with a 'what?' every time even if he has to struggle to get the word out] Janis: [just a look like 'you know what' and hoisting yourself up to sit on the sink, expectant, 'you want 'em to think you're as bad a fuck as you are a dancer? better do something this time'] Jimmy: [oh how the tables have turned because a challenge like that is obviously gonna be accepted whenever but now he's gotta go harder than he's ever because the fragile male ego] Janis: [lmao #whoops regret it in the morning lads] Jimmy: [I feel like a thigh lovebite or something to that effect like whatever is clothing feasible but still risque af could be her boob if she's got trousers on idk) is a step too far so therefore he and I must #calm down but actually don't ever] Janis: [no hiding what a moment that is even if she's like 'have fun showing that one off, boy' 😏 after 'cos breathless af still, someone is gonna have to boot this door down lowkey or this is gonna get so far beyond what can be for the 'audience'] Jimmy: [makes me die like WHO'S looking that closely not even Mia] Janis: [she wishes] Jimmy: [bahaha] Jimmy: [but yeah take that interruption as the moment to wander topless through the party to 'find her a shirt'] Janis: [oh the scandal, y'all will see that tho, welcome] Jimmy: [the state of them both literally give them that oscar and then get them a room] Janis: [when you ain't about to wait in the bathroom like you're so ashamed 'cos not a mood so just strut out like sup] Jimmy: [imagine being that confident as a 15 year old or ever] Janis: [honestly, your sister gonna be so fuming again] Jimmy: [gotta send him outside to calm down but if anyone asks he just really needs that post hook up 🚬] Janis: [you can go get a drink, bab, for likewise] Jimmy: [lowkey hope Harry is still around to 👀] Janis: [no doubt he is, don't 👀 too much of her tah] Jimmy: [just enough so you know you still ain't wanted boy] Janis: [maybe mean but is real tbh he should hook up with one of grace's friends maybe other skinny bitch 'cos he can't go back alone if Janis ain't, that kinda boy also] Jimmy: [absolutely and Grace could hook up with one of his friends just to make it really incestuous and legit like are you Rio and Buster no, don't need to be going round the houses like that] ] Janis: [he would've probably got with all her mates by the time they get together like oh really grace, this is the boy you 'love' alright] Jimmy: [Yeah unless any of them are really below his standards, kill me tbh] Janis: [lbr, some of them are just filler, like tonight, soz gurl] Janis: if you don't hurry up, think your girl about to get snatched Jimmy: 😱😱😱 Janis: stand corrected, he's gone for the prettier 💀 Jimmy: thank feck for that Jimmy: stopped breathing for a bit then Janis: says you Janis: my gaff is gonna be consolation HQ now 💔😥 Janis: and that'll be the 🚬 Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Jimmy: it'll be the 🧛💕 Janis: 🙄 Janis: don't talk such a big game, and I'll go easier on you Jimmy: keep it #goals or I'll dump you Jimmy: 🥇 or nowt baby Janis: oh will you Janis: didn't agree to that plan either, tah Jimmy: plans change, mate Jimmy: what else am I doing here, like Janis: 😑 did you listen to me at all, dickhead Janis: got to put it to the committee and then wait 3-5 working days before making any more changes Jimmy: Nah, I were too busy being 😍😍🤤🤤 Janis: Mhmm Janis: not your fault Janis: 🩸 supply only gonna go so far with me, mate Janis: can't expect you to be brains and beauty Jimmy: that your new twitter bio? Janis: try tinder Jimmy: 👍 Janis: a comeback and a tip Janis: use fake name and no headshots, obvs Jimmy: your head is bigger than your tits though, girl Jimmy: might wanna think again Janis: haaa Janis: 🖕 Janis: not everyone's type is your type, trust Jimmy: if I had a type you'd be the last to know Janis: you give yourself away all the time Janis: ain't hard Jimmy: can't be 💕 for anyone else when my 😍 have to be on you Janis: exactly Janis: all the shit you find so 🤢 about me just shows your hand in the opposite Janis: #duh Jimmy: #whenshebelievesowtyousay Jimmy: 💕 Janis: lie about the 😍 Janis: why lie about that? Jimmy: Why tell you the truth? Janis: 🙄 'cos if it's a lie, I know either way Jimmy: bollocks Janis: I ain't stupid Janis: or a lad Janis: know when someone fancies me Jimmy: I'm a stupid lad and me too Jimmy: so what? Janis: so I know you don't, god Jimmy: You don't know or need to know nowt about me Jimmy: been through that Janis: it ain't about you Janis: all about me, obviously Jimmy: Gracie will be thrilled that you wanna twin with her Janis: no doubt Jimmy: crack on Janis: 👌 that's the plan Janis: if you see people running past, this kid's parents are coming back Janis: it's carrying on at Liam R's, if you want to Jimmy: can't Janis: alright Jimmy: if you keep your real 💕 off socials, will be Janis: never said I was going there Janis: so if that's your reason for not, feel free to RSVP Jimmy: never asked if you were Jimmy: got somewhere else to be, tah Janis: makes two of us Janis: na night Jimmy: you not gonna do a proper goodbye? 💔 Jimmy: [so not for the fans and we all know it boy stop] Janis: who for, skeleton gang having their bones jumped literal Jimmy: 'cause they don't have their phones in one hand even with a 🍆 in the other or owt Jimmy: but alright Janis: 😷 Janis: good thing I'm an oscar-winning actress because that's really off-putting Jimmy: come here then Janis: front or back Jimmy: more people out front Janis: sensible Janis: not in such a rush we need to hop the back fence, only his ma and da, not garda Janis: see you there then, I guess Jimmy: 👌 Janis: actually, fuck it Janis: change of plan Janis: do you one better Jimmy: ? Janis: pretend i'm coming back to yours Janis: cover for whatever we're both actually up to, yeah Jimmy: Good thing I'm 🥇 enough to pretend mine is somewhere #goals Janis: someone with a lesser ego nicked your phone or what Janis: is as far as all the girls are concerned, champ, come on Jimmy: I get it, you don't want the competition but my phone ain't worth nicking either Jimmy: soz rich girl Janis: psh Janis: 🥇 Janis: just hoping someone more my type picked it up but sadly Jimmy: stop pissing about and prove it then Jimmy: paparazzi won't be hanging around all night Janis: you underestimate just how chatty those girls are Janis: but won't keep you waiting any longer than you can bear 💕 Janis: [post up] Jimmy: oi rude, I were talking about me in the 1st place Jimmy: number 1 fan, remember Jimmy: [take that last chance to be extra kids we all know you're frustrated af after earlier] Janis: [does camera flash thing with hands like now's your chance] Jimmy: [obvs does take pics of her because she's beautiful and who wouldn't] Janis: [just a casual set of her getting closer then taking his phone from him so they can make out] Jimmy: [#mood] Janis: [gonna break 'em up this time by the kid's parents showing to bollock 'em so they can lol at that before doing a legger] Jimmy: [good idea boo] Janis: [when you're now alone though like walking like well] Jimmy: [when you should just walk off immediately but don't and offer her a 🚬 instead] Janis: [nodding your thanks] Janis: break off before we get to yours but few people coming this way with so Jimmy: 👍 Janis: [when your phone is blowing up 'cos Harry is done with whatserface] Jimmy: [when you're less able to hide how 😒 you are because been drinking and also frustrated af by all the moments and ensuing cockblocking] Janis: [probably keeps trying to facetime her 'cos he's pissed so puts her hand out to stop him for a sec and pulls his top to take a pic of some of the lovebites] Janis: sorry Jimmy: [when you shrug but your face is saying chat to dickheads on your own time] Janis: [shrugs back like i'm getting rid needs must] Jimmy: [shrugs back like well that's what these are for and then takes her phone off her to take better pics cos that art hoe] Janis: [when you roll your eyes and are gonna start taking the piss but then you gotta 'not bad' face at him] Janis: if you wanna take a really artsy dick pic later, I'll be sure to forward it to him Jimmy: Alright Janis: not even gonna accuse me of wanting to 👀 myself? Janis: slacking Jimmy: goes without saying, babe Janis: with how many times I've allegedly seen it, maybe Jimmy: and with how bad you wanna Jimmy: just like all the rest, you Janis: fuck off Janis: say whatever else you like but fuck that Janis: ❄ cunt Janis: you said Jimmy: didn't you deny it? Jimmy: can't remember Janis: regardless Janis: 🖕 Jimmy: 💕 Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: Want me to have a word to him? Janis: i can handle him Jimmy: not what I asked Janis: s'all good Janis: he's a twat, but a harmless one Jimmy: 👌 Janis: 'course if he goes public with his thirst then feel free but don't reckon he will Jimmy: if he does he'll have to compete with me and 💀👑 Jimmy: might scrap a 🥉 Janis: if those are my options the death pact starts and ends now Janis: ⚰ bye Jimmy: miss you already Janis: erm, miss Janis: death pact, mate Jimmy: 👻 me Jimmy: ain't fuck all you can do to me Janis: wanna bet Jimmy: wanna take the challenge? Janis: your funeral, baby Jimmy: yours Jimmy: you never had an invite to mine, girl Janis: don't reckon our fam will go for sharing a grave Janis: starcrossed like that Janis: a 🗡in my 💔 Janis: so cold Jimmy: my dad would, it'd be well cheaper Jimmy: til he met you anyway Jimmy: 👀 on your non white corpse Janis: he wants on top of me, it's fine Janis: be a squeeze and an awkward story for the archaeologists but we'll make it work Jimmy: 👍 Janis: as long as I ain't gotta mass grave with my family, give a fuck Janis: bad enough in life, not committing me to an eternity of it thanks Jimmy: Agree with you on that one if you don't get an even bigger head over it Janis: wrong twin Janis: the one who craves approval went thatta way Jimmy: Bollocks, you love a 🏆 Jimmy: call it a win Janis: a 🌹 by any other name, dickhead Janis: not from you Jimmy: 💔 Janis: [shows him a pic Mia has sent being 😏 with some lad in bed, like not showing anything but you get the mood] Janis: wrong number or? Jimmy: 🤢🤢💀💀 Jimmy: 💔 you ain't actually staying now #picforpic Janis: I know, right? Janis: hide the face/colour correct the bitch you are having over? Janis: she'll never know Jimmy: artsy black and white shot is always a #mood Janis: 'course Janis: [silence like you didn't bring it up lol] Jimmy: gonna have to take the risk that she reckons I'm also into bestiality unless you wanna 🐕sit Janis: not your wingman, tah Jimmy: I'll live Janis: dog might not, depends on the breed, sickfuck Jimmy: She's too young, gotta give it a bit Jimmy: keep you updated 💕 Janis: again, no tah Janis: already got enough lads giving me their play by play Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: [does a there, there kinda pat] Janis: [smacks him away] Janis: didn't say I didn't like it, just don't want it from you Jimmy: you ain't getting nowt from me Janis: good Janis: [looks around to make sure the crowd has all filtered out] Janis: ok, this is where I get off Jimmy: In a bit Janis: [���] Jimmy: [watching her go as standard] Janis: [is going mcvickers 'cos we said it'd be nearish and fuck going home but can't be out at the park on the off-chance someone sees then the cover is blown] Jimmy: [we know he's just going home and why #whenyougottaparentyoursiblings] Janis: [if only they knew lmao] Jimmy: [oh kids]

[caranfindel]

Recap/review 14.11: “Damaged Goods”

THEN: Oh, good, we're going to have a Nick episode. I was hoping for that. (NOT.) Michael is trapped in Dean's internal walk-in. Billie has bad news related to that.

NOW: Nick interrogates a demon about another demon named Abraxis. The name sounds a little familiar and I waste a few seconds wondering where I've heard it before, but then I realize it's the demon who killed Nick's family and this has been Nick's entire focus and that's how little I care about Nick and his quest, that I couldn't even bother to remember who he was after. Anyway, he learns that the hunter who last dealt with Abraxis is in Hibbing. Oooh, who else do we know in Hibbing?

Title card!

Dean is packing. Books about angels. Tools. Work gloves. I was a little afraid we were going to ignore last week's horrifying revelation, and Dean would just sit on that information for a while. But he's wearing his Red Shirt of Bad Decisions, so we know the shit is going down tonight! \o/

He leaves the storeroom and kind of looks down the hallway, which is really insignificant the first time you watch this episode, but on rewatch you realize what he's thinking right here, and that he doesn't ever expect to see this hallway again... but I'm getting ahead of myself. He goes into the library, where Sam is quietly studying in the darkness (is that a new shirt? I like it). He ignores it when Sam asks how he's feeling. Dean tells Sam he appreciates that he's trying to help him, and Sam's all, yeah, what else would I do? He asks if Dean wants to join him, and they have this conversation.

Actually, I thought I'd go for a drive, you know, just me and Baby, long stretch of road. And figured I'd make it a two-fer, go see Mom at Donna's cabin.

Yeah, yeah, that sounds great. Be good to see them. Just let me find a stopping point and get packed up.

Actually, I was, uh, I was kind of hoping for some one-on-one time with Mom, if that's cool.

Yeah. Sure, yeah. Whatever you need.

And I thought this conversation was going to break my heart, because Sam clearly does NOT think this trip sounds great, but he's going to go anyway because it's what Dean wants/needs to do, and then Dean rejects that, and Sam's little face is going to do me in. And on rewatch, it kind of seems like Dean is stalling here, like he can't bring himself to leave (but again, I'm getting ahead of myself) AND THEN THIS HAPPENS.

Dean comes around behind Sam and HUGS HIM and says "take care, Sammy" and I'm just WHAAAAT. NO THIS IS NOT RIGHT. THIS IS SUCH A BAD, BAD SIGN, SAM WINCHESTER, AND YOU KNOW IT.

And also, there goes the rest of my heart.

Cut to Mary at the aforementioned cabin, talking to Sam on the phone. She says the cabin's been quiet since Bobby took off for a few days. The old "I need a little space after killing the ghoul version of my dead son" thing. Happens to the best of us. Sam tells her he's worried because Dean's acting so weird, and mentions the hug. Mary says "that's sweet," proving that she doesn't know her sons at all. Really, Mary, you've witnessed ONE hug between them. ONE. Sam points out that they don't hug unless it's "literally the end of the world," which isn't quite true. It would be more accurate to say "unless one of us is dying or just came back from the dead," which is slightly more frequent than the end of the world Either way, Mary assures him that everything will be fine. But as Sam's talking to her, he's walking through the storerooms in the bunker and he sees some books are missing.

(Sidebar: Why are these books kept in the storeroom and not the library? And why are regular tools apparently kept with supernatural paraphernalia? Couldn't that cause problems? What if a MoL novice was sent to Storeroom 2 for a reciprocating saw and he couldn't figure out why a saw would reciprocate or what that would look like and he came back with something he dug out of a curse box instead? I'm seeing all kinds of potential OSHA violations here.)

Now we see Dean enjoying a messy burger. Oh, he's with Donna! I love Dean and Donna, y'all. She tries to ask him about himself, but he keeps deflecting. Which doesn't fool her at all, and she finally says "just wondering if you've run out of ways to ask me how I'm doing, so as to avoid me repaying the favor." She knows about Michael, because of Sam. "What, has he got a freaking newsletter," Dean grumps. But I'm glad to see Sam's been talking to his support system, because in the past, he's not done that as often as he should.

Dean ends the conversation with the typical "I'm fine" nonsense and gives Donna one of those big hugs where he looks absolutely stricken while she can't see him and then plasters on a smile when they pull apart, and you KNOW how I love when he does that. He pulls away and says "I'll see ya." But it's pretty obvious Dean is on his farewell tour and never intends to see Donna again. It's also pretty obvious that Donna can tell something is up.

Dean pulls up to the cabin, which is seriously in need of some work on the roof, and immediately hears gunshots. It turns out to be Mary murdering some pumpkins for target practice. (SHE'S STILL GOT THAT LOCK OF TOO-LONG HAIR.) He tells her he wants to stick around for a couple of days, which surprises her. She suggests they call Sam to join them, but he says he wants to be "a little greedy with my Mom time." No, Dean, that's not suspicious at all. Jesus. (Or, as someone pointed out, Sorry Sam, but Mom was MY gift.)

Mary pushes it, and Dean comes right out and says "I don't want Sam here," and again, Dean, that's not suspicious at all. How is someone who lies professionally such a BAD liar? He explains his mood away by claiming to be hangry, even though he just finished the best burger in all of Minnesota, and tells Mary he wants the one thing she can cook, something called Winchester Surprise. She heads out to the grocery store, and doesn't suggest that the son who drove all this way to see her would want to ride along. Or maybe she does, and he refuses, and they just didn't show us that part. Anyway, the important thing is, Dean's alone and he has work to do.

He gets his bag out of the Impala and strides purposely into a large shed decorated with pictures of topless guys with 70s porn 'staches. The first one reminds me a LOT of Doug 2.0, so I laugh when Dean says "Well, Donna certainly has a type." Yes she does. He finds an 8-track player, of all things, but is interrupted by a sudden burst of Michael banging on his door. The tape he chooses is the Guess Who, and the song is "No Time Left For You," which I've never liked (lots of experience with 70s music here, kiddos) but it seems appropriate. And then he gets to work, and if you thought Sam soldering last week was hot, you're in for a treat. Let's forget our annoyance with the soundtrack and concentrate on how much we appreciate Metalworking!Dean, complete with welding helmet and safety goggles, under the watchful eyes of several shirtless moustachioed cowboys.

Mmmm, yes, we do appreciate it.

(Sidebar: Where did all this metal come from?)

Meanwhile, at the grocery store, we get a fake-out where we think someone threatening is accosting Mary, but it's only a friendly employee. And we also see that Mary puts her grocery bags in the bed of her truck? So not only does she not know how to cook, but she doesn't even know where to PUT FOOD? I.e., IN THE CAB?

He says buying food is new for her, because she usually buys whiskey, pumpkins, and crossword puzzles. Damn, Mary, it really seems like things aren't going well out there at the Love Shack if you're spending all day drinking, shooting pumpkins, and doing crossword puzzles. I'm gonna go ahead and call it - Mobby is doomed. She tells him she has family in town, which I expect to turn into the inevitable oh no, this guy is a demon and now he knows Dean is there.

But I'm exactly wrong. Nick pulls up in the creepiest windowless van possible and asks the guy if he knows where Mary Winchester is. Because why wouldn't he? Why wouldn't Random Grocery Store Guy know where everyone in Hibbing Minnesota, population 16,361, resident or guest, lives? Random Grocery Store Guy pretends he doesn't know who she is. Good for him.

(BTW, the fastest route from Lebanon to Hibbing is about 12.5 hours. But it's all interstate and I suspect either Winchester would take the route that uses more state highways and is 13.5 hours.)

(Sidebar: Yes, when I open Mapquest, Lebanon is always in my Recents. Is that not normal?)

Apparently Nick decides he'll just cruise the greater Hibbing area and try to find her, because we seem him after nightfall driving his creepy van. A police car drives by, and then turns around and pulls him over. He makes sure his stolen angel blade is in place and hides a paperclip somewhere on his person before the officer gets to him. Oooh, it's Donna!

She cuffs him and tells him the van's been reported stolen, but she also reveals she knows he's looking for Mary, and don't like the way she lays all her cards on the table like that. Let him think you're just arresting him for a stolen car, Donna. Don't let him know you're onto his Grand Scheme. He says his name is "Nunya" and then "Eat Me" (oooh, is he related to the Eat Me Sam met a few seasons ago?), but she's got some kind of mobile fingerprint scanner. Does this thing exist? She discovers who he is, but while her back is turned, he uses his paperclip to get out of the cuffs. They fight, and she seems to have the upper hand, but he gets her taser and that's the end of that.

Love Shack. When Mary pulls up, Dean is outside by the door to the Shed of Mysterious Building. He lies about what he's doing out there and carries the groceries inside, to where the table is set and he wants to help her cook (THIS IS NOT OKAY) and she FINALLY realizes something is up. (Also, Dean, we know you're not a terrible cook. Don't lie just to make your mom feel better.) She quietly talks to Sam from upstairs (though not quietly enough, Dean totally would have heard her in the real world) and agrees that something is going on. Sam tells her about the missing items and says he thinks he should come up, but she says to give her more time. WHY, MARY. WHY DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THE PERSON TO ADDRESS THIS AND NOT SAM. WHY DO YOU INSIST ON KEEPING HIM 13.5 HOURS AWAY. WHY. It doesn't matter, because when Sam hangs up, we see he's already on his way. YES. THAT'S MY BOY.

Dinner. Dean tells a funny/tragic story about their childhood and Mary gets a case of The Sads, realizing how much she's missed and "how much the two of you just..." Just everything, Mary. They just EVERYTHING. Together. Without John, without you. AND STILL YOU THINK SAM SHOULD SIT IN THE BUNKER AND LET YOU HANDLE THIS. DAMMIT, MARY.

Anyway. Dean says her being alive has meant "everything to me, and everything to Sam." He claims to appreciate this wonderful time they're having, but he falters when he says "there's no clouds on the horizon." Because it's a LIE. She tells him he can talk to her about whatever he's going through, and he says "Everybody keeps asking me how I am. And how I am, is I don't want to talk about it. Please."

Oh lord, his face.

Later, as he snores gently on the couch, we see Mary tiptoe downstairs and outside, to check out what's happening in the Shed of Mysterious Building. (Sidebar: Dean sleeps with one arm flung behind his back, which I think we first saw in No Escape, and I always thought it was an odd and fake-looking way to sleep until I realized I actually do that sometimes myself.) She looks through the books and things and figures out what he's doing and it must be bad because she says "no, no, no." Meanwhile, Donna is waking up inside her own cruiser. I wonder why Nick left her alive?

Dean wakes up to the sound of a ringing phone. It's not his, it's Mary's. Donna is calling to warn him about Nick. But it's too late, because when Dean goes outside, Mary isn't there. But Sam is. "Hey, whoa, easy!" he says, facing down Dean's gun, and that tickles me for some reason.

Creepy van. Nick whines to Mary. He found email from Mary in Donna's phone, giving the address of the Love Shack. He thinks Mary knows where Abraxis is. She does - the demon is trapped inside an Enochian puzzle box in a storage locker, locately conveniently in or near Hibbing. I don't care about any of this.

At the Love Shack, Sam blames himself for Nick running around like a free madman, because of course he does. Donna's APB gets a result - the creepy van has been spotted outside Grand Rapids. Donna says that's 30-40 minutes away, but Grand Rapids is actually 11.5 hours away from Hibbing. Maybe there's a little town called Grand Rapids near Hibbing. A town so small that Mapquest doesn't even know about it.

(I KNOW. NO ONE CARES. MOVING ON.)

Nick gets the Enochian puzzle box (yeah, this scene goes on FOREVER and I'm skipping a lot here, is anyone complaining? nope didn't think so) and wants to release the demon so they can talk. Mary points out that the demon needs a host to talk, and it can't be Nick and it can't be her, and she flashes an anti-possession tattoo as explanation. So drills the box open and Nick forces the storage locker employee to be the host. Abraxis says he'll tell Nick why they killed his family if he kills Mary slow and bloody.

While this is happening, we see Sam and Dean on that 30 minute/11.5 hour drive to Grand Rapids. Sam looks despondent, and they have this conversation:

Say it. I can see you want to. Might as well go ahead and say it.

All right. Nick is not a project. He's not a freaking puppy. He was Lucifer's vessel for years.

I know that, Dean, I thought -

You thought he'd what, just walk it off? Come on, man, you're not that dumb.

It's not about being dumb, Dean, it's called compassion. Look, what happened to Nick could have happened to me. It almost happened to me. You change one little thing in our past and that WAS me! Lucifer wearing ME to the prom. Besides, since when do we give up on people? Since when do we just cut people loose?

Well, maybe you need to learn, okay? Because when people are past the point of saving, maybe you need to learn to walk away.

Ouch. I hurt for both of them. Poor Sam, seeing himself in Nick and wanting to save that guy the way he wishes someone had wanted to save him. Having faith in Nick's potential the way he wanted someone, anyone, to have faith in his own. And Dean obviously isn't talking about Nick, at least not there at the end, because we've heard it from Dean before, talking about himself. I can't be saved; walk away.

The guys arrive at the storage locker just in time to stop Nick from killing Mary slow and bloody. Nick scratches out the devil's trap that's holding the demon, and Abraxis immediately tosses them around and tells Nick he was chosen completely at random. Damn, Nick is as whiny as Lucifer was. (I wonder who influenced who? Discuss.)

Dean tries to quietly exorcise the demon, but Abraxis flings him against a shelf and we get a flash of skin. But before he can start killing anyone, Nick stabs him with the stolen angel blade. Then Nick acts like he's going to stab the others if they don't let him escape, so Donna shoots him in the leg. Dammit, Donna, this was the perfect opportunity to kill him. He already killed one person, and he was threatening to kill the rest of you. It would have been a clean shoot. Instead, Mary punches the wounded whiny baby and Sam does a wee little version of his glorious post-exertion huff.

Outside, Sam gives Nick a sad, confused look.

Why?

I needed the truth, Sam. I needed revenge for my family. You would have done the same thing.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't help you, I'm sorry I didn't know how.

It's not about you, Sam. It was never about you. You couldn't fix me because I didn't want to be fixed. I was never broken.

Yeah, Nick, you are. I don't feel sorry for you, Nick. I feel sorry for the people you hurt, the people you murdered. The people whose faces will haunt you every night for the rest of your life. You can burn.

FUUUUUCK. That's cold as hell and it's not like Sam Winchester at all and I love it to pieces. He's finally given up on this asshole. But it's finally time to move away from the B plot, and Mary tells Dean she saw what he was building in the shed. She knows what he's building, she knows what he's planning, and the three of them ARE going to talk about it. And if he doesn't tell Sam, she will. So, you finally think Sam's input is important, Mary? Good to know.

When the sun rises, we're back at the Shed of Mysterious Building. Dean is showing Sam what he's done. He calls it something like a "maloch box," which I'm sure is spelled wrong. It looks like a giant coffin (yeah, about that...) Nothing can escape it, not even an archangel. Sam knows what they are but says they're impossible to build, and Dean's all, "not so much." And then they have this conversation and I'm sorry (no I'm not), but I had to transcribe the whole thing.

That's your plan? You want to be buried alive?

Buried's not safe enough. Plan is, pay a little hush money, charter a boat to take me out to the Pacific. Splash.

You and Michael, trapped, together, for eternity.

Yeah.

You do realize how insane this is, right?

It's the only sane play I've got. Michael gets out, that's it for this world. And he will get out.

How do you know that for sure?

Because I do. Because I can feel him, in my head. That door is giving. I can feel it giving.

There has to be another way.

There's not, okay? There's... Sam, you've tried. Cas has tried. Jack. And I love you for trying, but none of it's going to work.

But we don't know that!

Yeah, we do.

What?

Billie. She paid me a little visit. She said that there's only one way that this ends right. And this is it. This, right here. This box. So she gave up the special recipe and all I had to do was the work. It's fate.

Since when do we believe in fate?

Now, Sam. Since now.

So, you came out here, to see Donna, to see Mom, on some what, some sick secret farewell tour? You were gonna leave, and you weren't even gonna tell me. Me. Do you realize how messed up that is? How unfair that is?

I didn't have a choice! Sam, you're the last person I could tell, the last person I could be around, cause you're the only one that could have talked me out of it! And I won't be talked out of it. I won't. I'm doing this. Now you can either let me do it alone, or you could help me. But I'm doing this.

...

All right.

Oh, guys.

Well, I've got to admit, Dean's prophesied horrifying death was a letdown. First, because it wasn't even new - it was basically the same fate Death offered him when he had the MoC. Worse, sure. Being locked in a box with an angry archangel rather than floating in space and having some kind of dream life, never a good option. (ASK SAM. HE KNOWS.) But mostly because it didn't live up to his reaction when he first read Billie's book. I was sure (and I wasn't alone) that his tearful reaction meant it was going to involve something horrible for someone he loves (SAM). But this? The Dean we know would have reacted the way he did when Rowena told him he had to "be the bomb" in order to destroy Amara. Yeah, this sucks, but I always knew it was gonna end ugly, so, whaddya gonna do?

(Sidebar: This brings up an interesting question. I know an angel's vessel is immortal, but would Dean still be immortal even though Michael was trapped inside his head? Would the fact that Michael wasn't in the driver's seat stop him from keeping his vessel alive? Or would the angel's grace do that all on its own?)

But oh, guys. This scene. THIS SCENE. These two. Dean saying I love you for trying. Dean at the beginning, chin up, so defiant, so defensive because this is exactly what he was afraid of - telling Sam, and having to stick to his plan. (He's probably remembering the last time Sam talked him out of this very thing, kneeling on the floor in front of him, agreeing to support the plan for Dean to lock himself up with the Mark of Cain forever, looking up at him with the puppy dog eyes and nodding to accept that Dean has to cut his head off in order to prevent him from undoing that act; or maybe he's not actually remembering that but now I am, goddammit guys, I need a minute.) And Sam realizing that last little hug was Dean's last planned goodbye, and being so angry and so hurt, and the way he looks so young there at the end, when he stops and finally says "all right." I know we've seen this before but IT STILL GETS ME. EVERY DAMN TIME.

(Sidebar: Did Dean leave Sam a note? Is it in the bunker somewhere? Because Sam's last conversation with his father was the old man saying I don't know why we always fight, now go away and his last conversation with his brother would have been I want to go visit Mom without you. Discuss. Fanfic it. Come wail with me about it.)

(Also... Dean's farewell tour didn't include Cas? Jack? Jody?)

Well. Happy 40th birthday, Dean Winchester.

Worst. Birthday. Ever.

So, this episode? Too much Nick. Not enough Sam. Things that did not live up to expectations. But also, things that were wonderfully unexpected. I've seen worse, my friends. What did you think? And please help me stay unspoiled, thanks!

[stopqueeringthebible]

Hi. Here are some actual answers, from a physically disabled person.

The relatively tiny number of people you're talking about are mentally ill in a way that affects their perception of their own bodies. The mismatch causes genuine distress, and can make it difficult to use the body parts that they perceive as impaired or missing. I do have mixed feelings about the way some of them approach the entire subject, but I'm not going to pretend these are just... perfectly healthy people who want to be disabled for fun. There is something actually wrong, and I would hesitate to even call the body parts themselves "healthy" at that point.

Transgender people choose to "cut off healthy body parts" for multiple reasons. The two most often cited are debilitating depression/anxiety stemming from having the "wrong" body parts—some of which actively produce hormones that intensify gender dysphoria, so again, the word "healthy" is extremely subjective—and literal physical safety because they cannot pass without surgery, and they're being harassed.

Both of these types of people would be much less notable if society improved in the relevant ways.

A person who doesn't physically need a wheelchair but uses one anyway is offensive because wheelchair-accessible spaces and resources are so limited. Parking spots, event seating, public transport options, housing, scooters for public use, etc. In a world where that's not an issue, I honestly don't care if the guy behind me on the well-maintained, appropriately sloped ramp is using his chair for physical or psychological reasons.

Similarly, if society wasn't so aggressively gendered, trans people would not stick out, and frankly far fewer of them would even bother with physical changes.

Maybe Susan didn't particularly want facial feminization surgery, but she was fired from two previous jobs because of her appearance before she decided to get it. Maybe Jeff didn't particularly want top surgery, but people kept staring.

And let's not pretend the intended targets of this kind of scrutiny are even the only ones who end up suffering for it.

Maybe Max is just a butch lesbian who likes to wear suits, maybe Beth is a cis woman who had a double mastectomy because of breast cancer, maybe Andrew is just short and can't grow a beard, maybe it's none of our business.

Maybe that man stood up from his wheelchair in the grocery store because he has a complex medical condition that lets him stand for short periods of time, and it's easier than asking a stranger for help. Maybe the woman hurrying out of the handicap stall needed the handrails to stand back up. Maybe the person with the dark glasses and white-tipped cane has enough residual vision to see when someone is waving at them, and so they waved back.

Please, at the very least, do not double down on policing disabled people who you assume are "faking" because of this connection you've made. We get enough of that, and it's not because of the absolutely minuscule number of people who have encountered actual fakers. It's because people make the assumptions they've been taught to make, and there's a part of the human brain that would rather believe someone is faking than that they're actually suffering.

My coworker just said she heard about this concept of "trans-abled", where a healthy person identifies as disabled and uses a wheelchair, acting like they are actually physically impaired.

And when I pointed out that yes, that's crazy offensive to people with an actual disability, she agreed. Also about the idea of cutting of healthy body parts because you want to be an amputee being very unhealthy and a psychologically significant event that should be treated.

Now I'm fighting so hard not to ask her "so since you agree on the above. Why would a man identifiying as a woman not fit into the same pattern? He's trying to identify as something he's not, offending the people whose reality he's trying to emulate, and he's potentially seeking to damage his healthy body since he has delusions about it. What's the difference?"

Demanding access to services and spaces that are reserved for the group you're trying to "identify" as not even mentioned.

But in this atmosphere, even asking is seen as hateful.

[punkscowardschampions]

Jimmy & Janis

Jimmy: Afternoon Janis: Just about Janis: Won't tell anyone you didn't hit me up with the coveted Morning text, like Jimmy: No need when I'm there to do it in person Jimmy: Just use your imagination when you tell 'em how I woke you up Janis: 😏 Why bother when they so ready to do it themselves, like Janis: #yourinfluence obvs Jimmy: 😎 Jimmy: Yours is that the 🐶 won't shut up 'bout you #real love 💕 Janis: Dog, yeah? Janis: Not heard that one before Jimmy: Alright, you rumbled me, my sister too Jimmy: But what the dog's saying is nicer Janis: 😂 Janis: I did forget to invite her along, to be fair Janis: Forgetfulness gotta be catching 'cos Mia totally wanted to idk Janis: wax my bikini line or something, apparently Jimmy: I know this is fake but your dirty talk needs some work, mate Jimmy: Good to know that shit does happen at sleepovers though Janis: Grow up dickhead 🙄 Janis: probably try recreate game of thrones and pour it on my head, no thanks Janis: can't make that sexy, no matter how many dragons I add to the story, soz Jimmy: Niche reference 👍 Jimmy: I rolled up to say tah for not being a dickhead anyway Jimmy: It all went to plan Janis: You're definitely that kinda nerd, don't lie Janis: Duh Janis: 🥇 Janis: I told you Jimmy: Piss off am I Jimmy: You can't pretend that you don't know how cool I am now, Joan Janis: What, 'cos you took me to the pub I suggested Janis: Okay 😏 Jimmy: 'cause I didn't make a holy show of myself as you Irish call it Jimmy: at the pub you suggested Janis: You were alright Janis: Not too unbearable, like Jimmy: I love you too, baby 😘 Janis: 🖕 Idiot Jimmy: What you doing tonight? Jimmy: We should be seen together so people don't reckon I got what I wanted and that's it Janis: Or you were that shit I've had to ghost you Jimmy: Nobody's thinking that Janis: Alright ego 😜 Janis: but I'm up for doing something, long as it's not totally shit Jimmy: Is there like a party or something going on? Jimmy: More people the better, I reckon Janis: Undoubtedly Janis: I'll ask my cousin, not everyone he knows is a total prick Janis: up for the challenge, yeah? 💪 Jimmy: Like you said 🥇 Janis: 👍 I've hit him up, let you know the where and when Jimmy: Alright Jimmy: I'm on a half day so don't matter Jimmy: Time to make myself look #goals Janis: Sick Janis: weren't too dead were ya? Jimmy: Nah Jimmy: You? Janis: Good Janis: 'Course not Janis: Lazy rich bitch anyway so you know Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: tah for saying it so I don't 'ave to Janis: Please, you're so gutted Jimmy: Maybe Jimmy: You'll just have to cheer me up tonight Janis: Yeah? Janis: Easy Jimmy: Easy for you to say now, yeah Jimmy: We haven't faked it for that long before Janis: Have a little faith Janis: 'less you're planning to make it hard for me or Jimmy: It'd be more fun but we've got a deal Jimmy: So don't fuck it up & I won't Janis: Fine 🙄 Jimmy: Saving your enthusiasm? 👍 Janis: Yeah Janis: basically got 16 years worth saved up, hope you're ready Jimmy: Challenge accepted, Jillian Janis: That's the worse one yet Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: I won't use it when anyone can hear me, don't worry Jimmy: What's your name again though? Janis: You testing me Janis: watch me turn up looking like a bag of shit now Janis: enjoy, wanker Jimmy: Watch me 😍😍😍 even harder for it Jimmy: You're not gonna beat me, babe Janis: So am Jimmy: Like I said, easy to say now Jimmy: Harder to do when I'm chaining 🚬 to put you off Janis: 😒 I've handled worse Jimmy: I don't need your exes list, Judy Janis: Short list Janis: . Janis: like Jimmy: What? Jimmy: You only fake date Jimmy: 🎻 Janis: Fuck off Janis: I don't date Janis: waste of time Jimmy: Can be Janis: Is Jimmy: Pete'll be gutted Jimmy: Still, if you're as good in bed for real as you are when it's fake, decent consolation Janis: I'm sure Janis: aside from he probably fancies you more than he does me Jimmy: Me too, he's been name dropping you all shift 💕 Jimmy: Wrong again, Jennifer Janis: Lies Jimmy: I didn't know who he meant for half of it Jimmy: but yeah Janis: Brilliant Janis: Good thing he's not our target demo then isn't it Jimmy: No offense, Janis Jimmy: ain't my fault he don't know you Janis: Why would he Janis: He's like year above ain't he, idk Jimmy: How would I know? Jimmy: Not the one crushing on him Janis: You do keep bringing him up Janis: if you needed a beard, like Jimmy: Piss off Jimmy: What do you wanna talk about then? Janis: [Party deets] Janis: There you go, can plan your outfit now Jimmy: What time do you wanna show up? Janis: Later the better, init Janis: make a scene but also, don't have to spend too much time surrounded by idiots Jimmy: You just know you can't hack faking being my girlfriend for too long Jimmy: but 👌 Janis: Bitch I can go all night Jimmy: Nah Jimmy: You'd be stretched to do an hour Janis: Bollocks Janis: When do YOU wanna go then? Jimmy: I'd go right now if they'd have me Jimmy: Better than being stuck at the CG Janis: N'awh, you really know how to make a girl feel special, babe 😘 Jimmy: 🎻 Jimmy: I'll do it tonight Jimmy: Do your best to wait patiently, Jodie Janis: 🖕 Do yours to keep up Janis: can't be too late if you gotta leave 9 though, are you sure Janis: lowkey might not even start before then Jimmy: I've sorted it with Cass Jimmy: I can be out as late as we need to get this done Janis: Didn't know it was her calling the curfew not your Da Janis: but makes sense, tbh Janis: cool then Jimmy: Piss off Jimmy: He don't call any shots Jimmy: But someone's gotta look after my brother & he don't worry 'bout that either Janis: I wasn't trying to be funny about it Jimmy: Decent effort then 'cause you weren't Janis: Alright Janis: sorry Jimmy: 👍 Janis: meet there? Jimmy: Alright Jimmy: Let me know when Janis: k Jimmy: [Later] Jimmy: They want me to work over Jimmy: when are we going? Janis: Oh, don't worry then if it's gonna be too much hassle Jimmy: It's only a couple more hours Janis: When are you getting off now? Jimmy: 4.30 Jimmy: but I got some shit to do when I leave here Jimmy: part of Cass' bargain Janis: 👍 good girl Janis: anything i can help with or you alright Jimmy: you can get the dog out Jimmy: know you'd both love that 💕 Janis: Sure thing Janis: use the extra steps myself anyway Jimmy: Come and get my keys whenever Janis: Are the kids gonna be about Janis: they could come with, if they would Jimmy: you can ask 'em if you're feeling brave Janis: Just an idea Janis: might run off some energy lowkey exhaust the dog and them, like Jimmy: I reckon it's a good one Jimmy: They might not Janis: I'll try Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: If they're dickheads, text me Janis: Don't worry, I've got millions of cousins and shit, I know how to not get 'em killed or I wouldn't offer Jimmy: Weren't worried 'bout 'em Jimmy: Just you Janis: Oi Janis: I'm no soft-touch Jimmy: Only got your word for that, mate Janis: 😑 Janis: Proof'll be how well-trained this dog is Jimmy: You ain't got long enough for that Jimmy: I'm not fake dating you for years tah Janis: Christ no Janis: crash course, I'm that good Jimmy: 🙄 Jimmy: as long as you're more convincing tonight Janis: Name a time I haven't been Janis: everyone's buying it so hard Jimmy: I told you, that was lowest tier shit Jimmy: You have to pretend to like me for longer than a make out sesh Janis: I keep telling you I can, damn Janis: Can't prove it 'til we're there, can I? Jimmy: Alright, calm down Jimmy: take some pics on your walk, really milk how domestic we are Janis: Done Janis: she's very photogenic Jimmy: 💕 Jimmy: you can date her for real when this is over Janis: You're giving me her in the fake breakup, yeah? Janis: Cheers Jimmy: why not? Jimmy: means you gotta give me something Jimmy: get thinking Janis: can I interest you in Grace? Janis: know what you're thinking, literally defeats the point Janis: but she just looking for a new fam Janis: bitch for a bitch Jimmy: nah tah Jimmy: One sister's enough Janis: Shit Janis: I got 3 Janis: worst luck Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: violin solo for each Janis: Grace is more like a fucking triangle solo Jimmy: brutal Jimmy: I don't reckon there's an emoji for that though 💔 Janis: 🃏 Janis: really lacking on the emoji front Janis: gutted, gonna complain Jimmy: get it done, Joanne Janis: talk to twitter whilst i'm there Janis: your account not dead now? Jimmy: 💕 Jimmy: I ain't checked Janis: Bummer Janis: no new nudes for me 💔 Jimmy: I'll streak through the party Jimmy: make an entrance Janis: 😂 Janis: Twat Janis: There's no pretending to be 😍 over public indecency Jimmy: try harder then, dickhead Jimmy: thought you were 🥇 Janis: I don't want everyone to reckon I'm actually derranged, like Janis: be normal, Taylor Jimmy: spoilsport Janis: you know, one of us has to Jimmy: I get it, you don't reckon you won't be overcome with lust at the sight of me actually naked Jimmy: head in the game, girl Janis: 'Course Janis: who wouldn't be Janis: turning it into a casual orgy Jimmy: Mia maybe Jimmy: You're more her type Janis: Ugh don't Janis: idk what her problem really is Janis: 'cept she wants to wear my skin Jimmy: she's jealous Janis: Nah Janis: she's an only child and her daddy gives her everything so she's rolling in it Jimmy: but 'til he gives her money for surgery you're prettier than her Jimmy: & now you've got me so 🗡 Janis: Don't fuck her, yeah? Janis: It must be how she gets her power 'cos she's got no interest in actually being with you, she just has a list of like every boy in Dublin or some shit she's working through Jimmy: even if she has surgery, I have standards, I told you Janis: Good Janis: even if you're a bit of a prick, hate to see you go like that Janis: 🐍 eat you when she's done Jimmy: I'd rather my 🍆 stays attached to me Jimmy: more use than my head Janis: What's more #bae Janis: agree or disagree? 🤔 Jimmy: take it to a twitter poll Janis: I think they've got a bias rn though, after that pic Janis: say something dead brainy, babe Jimmy: too northern for that Jimmy: do it for me & say I did Janis: It's weird when you're #humble Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: gonna fuck with you when you find out that's the real me Janis: Coulda kept that in the vault, I'd never know Jimmy: Like I said, you'd find out Janis: You not planning on deleting me when this is all over then? Jimmy: Probably but there's still this thing called IRL Jimmy: Can't bin school off yet Janis: Oh, where I'm at my most social, 'course Janis: you barely knew I existed 'til now I think we'll be fine 😏 Jimmy: Don't be gutted Jimmy: I know your name now & everything Janis: Yeah was so sat there praying for the day Janis: 🖕 Jimmy: 💕 Janis: what are you actually gonna wear Janis: not saying we should be THAT fake couple and co-ord but Jimmy: hadn't given it any real thought Jimmy: what's the party dress code in leprechaun land? Janis: depends who you are and who they are Janis: don't wanna be try hard Janis: probably can't show up in my gym clothes, though Jimmy: who am I & who are they, babe? Janis: you know who you are Janis: leather jackets ain't just for your baes, obviously Janis: idk who this kid is exactly but he lives in a normal neighbourhood so he's not like dead posh or anything Jimmy: there's your answer then Jimmy: easy 😍 Jimmy: only challenge is me finding the place Janis: I better hang about then after I've walked the dog Janis: probably more #goals to go together anyway Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: smoothie? Jimmy: You should eat so you don't get dead drunk again Janis: 'Scuse me Janis: I was not Jimmy: You were Jimmy: & don't bring a jacket so you can wear mine that's gotta be #goals Janis: Just mad it went unnoticed that I was in the dog walking 'gram Janis: too 💕 for them all, baby Jimmy: just don't get as pissed tonight Jimmy: you might let everyone know how you really feel Janis: You ain't my Dad Jimmy: Nah, I'm your fake boyfriend & I'd like it if you didn't out us Jimmy: that's it Janis: I'm not going to because I wasn't even drunk and I won't be tonight Jimmy: 🙄 Jimmy: if you're gonna chat shit, I've got work to do Janis: I don't wanna chat to you anyway if you're gonna be shady Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: Shady? Am I also slim 😂 Jimmy: top lingo, Janet Janis: 😒 you are that white Jimmy: take it up with my dad Janis: When can we have our first fake fight 'cos you're asking for it today, like Jimmy: a bit soon unless you wanna do a really hot makeup makeout Janis: Who'd want that? Janis: Shame Jimmy: the fans Janis: True Janis: but you said I've gotta show I can stand you when you ain't rocking my world so Jimmy: & you've gotta show you want me too more than just a once off Janis: Don't want much, do ya? Jimmy: It ain't about what I want Janis: You know what I mean Jimmy: I know you keep saying you'll do this easy Jimmy: So stop whinging Janis: I ain't Jimmy: 👍 Janis: you liked whelan's then, yeah Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: I'll probably go back Janis: good Janis: i knew you would, it's alright Jimmy: seeing as you know me so well you can find me a real girl to date when this is over Janis: ha Janis: jog on Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: go on Jimmy: it'd be a laugh to see who you'd pick if nowt else Janis: not a dyke, remember? Jimmy: didn't say you had to join in with us, did I? Janis: shut up Janis: what do i know about girls Janis: not a real one, am i Jimmy: what do you reckon you are then? My dream Jimmy: Piss off Janis: don't be stupid Jimmy: you're real Janis: You said it, not me Jimmy: What? Janis: 'you can find me a real girl to date' Jimmy: I meant a girl to not fake date Janis: whatever Jimmy: come on, Janis Janis: don't matter Janis: forget it Jimmy: don't wanna Janis: don't be a dick Janis: if you didn't mean it you didn't Jimmy: I'm not Jimmy: So don't you be a dickhead Janis: What the fuck have I done? Jimmy: acting shady Jimmy: to use your top lingo Janis: 😑 you clearly don't know what that means Jimmy: nah I don't Jimmy: it's bollocks Jimmy: reckon you made it up just then Janis: not that deep undercover than we need our own language Jimmy: good 'cause I ain't sure I'd keep up Jimmy: proper cryptic you Irish Janis: 🖕 Janis: how's that for cryptic? Janis: gobshite Jimmy: 😂 Janis: I'm not finding you a girlfriend Janis: Ruin your own life Jimmy: Alright, leave me to my own devices so I can find another girl who prefers old blokes Jimmy: on your head Janis: If it keeps you from becoming a baby daddy, aren't I doing you/the world a massive service, really, like Jimmy: if that keeps you warm, mate, tell yourself it Jimmy: I'll be shivering 'cause left out in the cold 🎻 Janis: Catch me and Pete laughing at you whilst we fuck on a huge pile of money in our mcmansion Janis: #thedream Jimmy: leave it out Jimmy: I've seen him concentrating when he makes a latte I don't need to think about his face when he's going at it Janis: 😍😍😍 Jimmy: get in his inbox to live that dream Janis: Can't be having my fake mans and real in the same place Janis: mixing business and pleasure always a no Jimmy: he won't say owt Jimmy: tell him you're down to cheat Janis: thanks for your permission 😂 Jimmy: don't care, do I? Jimmy: just keep it off the 'gram Janis: You might have endless faith in him but I don't Janis: everyone knows everyone's business around here 🙄 Jimmy: if you cheat I ain't lost owt Jimmy: go on Jimmy: save me a break up Janis: I don't think so Janis: I get to come out of this looking good, that was part of the deal Jimmy: We can change it easy Jimmy: & anyway who says pete ain't a trade up Janis: Nah Janis: Deal's a deal, I'm sticking to my side of it Jimmy: You've done it Jimmy: been proven those girls ain't my type Janis: If that was true we wouldn't be going tonight Janis: we ain't done here Jimmy: we ain't done for you Jimmy: but if you reckon you've got a better offer, take it Janis: Don't use this as an excuse Janis: you know I don't Jimmy: an excuse for what? Janis: For not wanting to help me out now we've sorted your side of it out Jimmy: I've said I'll do it Jimmy: like I said, not about what I want Janis: I know you don't want it alright Janis: it doesn't have to be much longer Jimmy: just don't fuck Pete Jimmy: I still have to work with him Jimmy: & I don't want the pisstake Janis: I'm not going to Janis: I've literally not spoken to him before Jimmy: then don't speak to him Janis: Um bit far, am I only allowed to order smoothies from you? Jimmy: CG isn't the only shit coffee shop around Jimmy: why come in after this? Janis: so I'm banned now, jesus Janis: fine Janis: I don't even drink coffee Jimmy: I can't ban you Jimmy: not the manager Janis: but you would if you could? Janis: well that's lovely Jimmy: so you would come in for coffee & a chat after I've fake dumped you? 👌 Janis: You're actually such a prick Janis: 1. I'M dumping YOU Janis: 2. You were actually serious that you're gonna delete me? Avoid me forever too? Very mature Jimmy: I'm gonna delete everyone Jimmy: not just you Jimmy: why do you care? like you said, didn't know each other existed before Janis: You're gonna have no friends, whole time you're here then Jimmy: hopefully Jimmy: what you're offering now, are you? Janis: no one good enough for you, yeah? Janis: not now I know Janis: don't worry Jimmy: you were the one warning me not to turn into 'em like a day ago Jimmy: didn't realise the real you was a cheerleader of leprechaun town Janis: Piss off Jimmy: that's the plan Jimmy: wear the uniform tonight though, the fans will love it Janis: It's going to take you ages you may as well try and tolerate it whilst you're here Jimmy: You don't have to outdo my dad on the fatherly advice Jimmy: not part of the deal Janis: Exactly, you're not gonna leave your brother and sister here Janis: so it's years, not months Jimmy: that's assuming any of us are gonna stay here Jimmy: he keeps jobs slightly longer than girlfriends but don't go mad, like Janis: Yeah great, hinge your masterplan on his lack of Janis: I hope it all works out for you, really Jimmy: I don't need a masterplan this is my real life not a fake dating plot Janis: Fuck you Janis: Act like it then, you live here right now, get over it Jimmy: Piss off Jimmy: You've lived here longer Jimmy: where's your friends? Janis: What's it matter 'bout me? Jimmy: you're dishing it out like I gotta be living my best life Jimmy: sort yours Janis: Again, this isn't about me Janis: you're not me Jimmy: & you ain't me, sweetheart Jimmy: you don't know what I want so don't tell me Janis: Don't fucking talk to me like that Jimmy: likewise Janis: Fine, be miserable Janis: like you said, why do I care Jimmy: 👍 Janis: Fuck me knowing what you want, I hope you work it out Jimmy: I have Janis: Good for you Jimmy: dead patronising you Jimmy: Love that Janis: I'm not the one throwing out sweethearts like it's the 70s Jimmy: Nah, you're just the one judging me when all you know is my name basically Jimmy: starting to see your sister's POV now Jimmy: bit of a nightmare, aren't you? Janis: Go fuck her then Jimmy: I don't want to Jimmy: but tah for the permission Janis: Literally drop dead Janis: I never once judged you and it's fucking rich you taking issue when all you do is judge everyone here all the time Jimmy: just 'cause you're a girl don't mean you can talk me like that & then tell me how to talk to you Janis: like what Janis: you talk to me like a piece of shit Jimmy: 🖕 Janis: Great Janis: Bye Jimmy: not bye, see you in a bit Jimmy: unless you're bailing Janis: you reckon i'm in the party mood Janis: really Jimmy: not what I asked Jimmy: don't matter how you really feel, does it? Janis: you're a sociopath, awesome Jimmy: no idea Jimmy: but alright fuck the party, don't bother me Janis: nah, 'course, nothing does Jimmy: nowt that's any of your business Janis: 👍 Jimmy: 👌 Janis: I'll still walk the dog it isn't her fault Jimmy: 💕 Jimmy: you'll still need the keys Jimmy: won't throw 'em at you not very #goals Janis: I don't care anymore Janis: who am I impressing, like you said Jimmy: when? Janis: You know Janis: I've got no friends, I'm a nightmare Janis: 🎻 Janis: the list goes on Jimmy: that's not what they're seeing Jimmy: just me 🎻 Jimmy: you've impressed everyone else Janis: Please Janis: you're so smart now Jimmy: It don't take much Janis: Exactly Janis: Jig is probably up Jimmy: Bollocks Jimmy: you know it's working Janis: Yeah not now I hate you Jimmy: you didn't love me before Jimmy: but alright Jimmy: call it off Janis: I'm not coming out of this like this Janis: you don't have to see me Janis: I'll make it work myself Jimmy: 👌 Janis: just tell me how you wanna sound Jimmy: I don't care Jimmy: do it how you want Janis: is it wise to give me such free reign Janis: nightmare i am Jimmy: you heard me Jimmy: don't matter Janis: You reckon I shouldn't care? Jimmy: I'm saying I don't Janis: No one's judging you anyway Jimmy: feel free to change that Janis: I'm not that much of a bitch Janis: thanks Jimmy: not on the 'gram anyway Janis: Fuck you Janis: I was being nice Jimmy: 'til I told you not to fuck Pete Jimmy: If I knew that was the dealbreaker I wouldn't have said nowt Janis: No, 'til you asked me to find you a girlfriend, called me not a girl Janis: then fucking agreed with my sister Jimmy: I told you, I never said you weren't a girl Jimmy: & I weren't serious about the girlfriend thing Janis: Whatever Janis: I don't even know if that's his name so it isn't about that Jimmy: alright Janis: It ain't alright Janis: I wasn't serious either you didn't have to take it like that and make it into this thing Jimmy: I seriously don't want you to fuck my co-workers Jimmy: that's all I said Janis: I'm not going to! Janis: I don't even want to Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: don't matter now Janis: Why not Jimmy: 'cause this is finished Jimmy: we don't need to keep chatting 'bout it Janis: Why is it a problem if I'm not gonna do it Jimmy: it ain't Janis: Then stop being a dick Jimmy: You stop being a dick Janis: dickhead Jimmy: You're the dickhead Janis: Oh my God Janis: stop Jimmy: just break it off Jimmy: I've got work to do Janis: Come on Janis: you're really dedicated now you don't wanna talk to me Jimmy: why would I? Jimmy: if we aren't going to the party what is there to chat about? Janis: well we could Janis: but fine Jimmy: you don't wanna either Jimmy: you hate me now, remember? Janis: Well you never liked me apparently so can't be offended Jimmy: yeah I can Janis: It's not fair, that's bullshit Jimmy: you hating me is not the same as me not knowing you Janis: maybe i'm being slightly dramatic Jimmy: go for it Jimmy: like I said, don't matter Janis: No Janis: Shut up being annoying Janis: let's go to the party Jimmy: I don't reckon that's a good idea Janis: Why not Jimmy: not in the running for an oscar, are we? Janis: alright Janis: i'll go by myself i guess Jimmy: that's a worse idea Jimmy: get it together, Jasmine Janis: Why? Jimmy: You're a pisshead & you need me Janis: 😑 Janis: well then you have to come Janis: I'm going Jimmy: Alright Jimmy: when? Janis: Whenever you've done what you've gotta do at Home Janis: I'm already on the bus to get the keys Jimmy: I just have to get the bribes in Jimmy: come with Jimmy: we can get drinks for the party or whatever Janis: I get it, all the sugar Janis: alright Janis: just don't try to palm me off with alcopops Jimmy: piss off would I Jimmy: I don't hate you Janis: tah 😏 you do reckon I can't handle my drink though Janis: which is just untrue Jimmy: you couldn't Jimmy: that's all I've got to go off Jimmy: prove me wrong tonight if you're that mad 'bout it Janis: What did I do? Janis: because I have evidence of YOU licking MY face, thanks snapchat Jimmy: FOR snapchat Jimmy: you were being nice to me when the camera weren't on Janis: How dare I 🙄 Janis: make it sound like I was tryna jump you Jimmy: nowt like that Jimmy: you were just Jimmy: fuck knows, mate Janis: ominous Janis: maybe i won't drink Janis: fuck's sake Jimmy: challenge turned down? 👌 Janis: 😠 No Janis: you got me paranoid now though Jimmy: not trying to get in your head so I'll win or owt Jimmy: nah Janis: 😒 Jimmy: for real though that weren't how I wanted that to sound Jimmy: it was fun Jimmy: you weren't a total dickhead like usual, that's it Janis: so what you're really saying is Janis: I should make a habit of it? Janis: cool Janis: I thought you meant I was white girl wasted then I'd have to kms, obviously Jimmy: I'm saying if I were gonna hate you, I couldn't then 'cause you were alright Jimmy: calm down Janis: Awh babe Jimmy: what the fuck is white girl wasted? Janis: If Gracie or any of her mates are at this party, hopefully not, you'll get to see Janis: the girls who are screaming 'this is my song!' to every other shit song Janis: and lose their shoes and shit and end up sobbing hysterically on a poor bouncer or something Jimmy: that don't exist up north, lasses drink like lads Jimmy: I'll have to take you Jimmy: learn something, Jemima Janis: you can't say the north has a better drinking  culture than ireland Janis: that's literally all we're known for excuse you Jimmy: I reckon I just did Jimmy: am I gonna get cursed now? Janis: Think you're gonna get deported so you'll be buzzin' on that Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: they aren't gonna be at the party are they? Janis: Nah, would've seen all the annoying getting ready and pre-drinks stories by now Jimmy: thank feck as you 🍀 say Jimmy: fun as it'd be to get that angry vein going in Mia's head again Janis: Please never say that again but do 'cos I wanna hear wtf it'd sound like in your accent 😂 Janis: she's DYING for round two Jimmy: I'll whisper it in your ear later if you pretend I'm saying something #goals Janis: Deal Jimmy: Just don't piss yourself laughing I don't need everyone reckoning my chat is that bad Janis: 🎭 Janis: I'll be so into it it'll be awkward for everyone else Janis: 💪 Jimmy: yeah alright Jane fonda just try & look like you're dying for round two 😍💕 Jimmy: maybe there'll be a room we can fake fuck in Janis: What are house parties for Janis: besides easier underage drinking, obviously Jimmy: as long as Mia ain't there to listen at the door Janis: I refuse to fake an orgasm for her the cunt you'd have to actually just fuck me Jimmy: I'll just take you home if she shows up Jimmy: pretend like I'm anti-fucking in strangers houses Jimmy: like its a northern thing or summat Janis: 😂 Polite, very anti-you Janis: but it works Jimmy: there's only so much convincing fakery I could let you do before it'd just sound hot Jimmy: not part of the deal for me to be into it Janis: Yeah Janis: Only human Jimmy: 🐍 quota in these parts is full Janis: Truly Janis: Don't tell Paddy, he'll be fuming Jimmy: 🤞 Jimmy: better get more smokes if you're sharing Jimmy: remind me Janis: Should get my own, least pay you half Jimmy: call it my being a dickhead tax Jimmy: besides, people were into it Jimmy: new #goals Janis: You make it look good Janis: no one needs to know you get out of breath on a dog walk Jimmy: you give then you take away Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: next time tweet the first bit & leave off the second Janis: I already did that story, no caption necessary Janis: can't have you thinking I'm too nice again and going weird on me Jimmy: Piss off Jimmy: Are we meant to do getting ready snaps or are you not white enough? Janis: God no Janis: 'less we're being all extra about how much we don't wanna leave bed, like Jimmy: we could Jimmy: I zip up your...dress? but you take off my shirt Jimmy: make it sexy Jimmy: 😂 Janis: 😂 Janis: this is just going to get confusing Janis: end up leaving half undressed but not in the intentional way Jimmy: no then? Janis: nah, we can Janis: means having to take less there so we can lowkey have a decent time still Jimmy: almost like you now Jimmy: 'cause that's a top plan Janis: Gimme time Janis: not a fan of almosts like go all in and hate me or you know Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: what are you wearing not heavy breathing way? Jimmy: in a* Janis: Thanks for clarifying Janis: I put a few options in my bag, I'd ask a girl but you know Janis: You'll have to do Jimmy: I am out of breath but 🚬 not burning desire Jimmy: piss off I'm better Jimmy: I'll tell you what looks hot Jimmy: 😍 not bitchy side eye Janis: #truelove Janis: #lastsalifetime #inyourlungs Janis: Good, can always get that from your sister if I'm missing it Jimmy: You're getting too decent at #s gonna have to dump you 💔 Janis: #damn Jimmy: Stop Janis: #gonnamissmewhenimgone Jimmy: #Janis please Jimmy: if you make me laugh I could keel over 🚬 remember Janis: When bae calls you a health risk 😍 Jimmy: #goals right Jimmy: love you so much its gonna kill me Janis: mhmm Janis: i told ya, just got the organ wrong Janis: no 💔 going for the lungs Jimmy: just leave my 🍆 out of it & like my head I ain't too concerned Jimmy: least I got a pair of lungs Janis: are you saying i have 🍆 envy Janis: cos that's even older than the dyke line tbh i expect better from you Jimmy: let me know when I streak through the party Janis: 😂 Janis: Will do Jimmy: don't say nowt if you don't 'cause 💔 Jimmy: it ain't my party to cry at Janis: Poor boy Janis: Just tryna seem nonchalant 'cos already meant to have seen it, duh Jimmy: try & seem 😍 like you can't get enough of it though Jimmy: tah very much Janis: Okay you want drooling Janis: got it Jimmy: if you can Janis: Don't doubt me, just your ability to bring it Janis: kinda cold Jimmy: where I'm from this is summer temps Jimmy: don't worry 'bout me, girl Janis: Then we won't have a problem Jimmy: nah Jimmy: & if anyone asks, I'm thinking 'bout you #muse Janis: I think they'll have more pressing questions Janis: like, what the fuck? Jimmy: that's how it is in 🍀 Jimmy: boring feckers Janis: 😂 Janis: maybe after you've been there and had a few Jimmy: I won't find them boring? Jimmy: or I will Janis: saying you taking your kit off would be craic and not a sign of something wrong Janis: they'll still be pretty dry Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: can I leave here yet? it's rivaling in the boredom stakes Jimmy: come back Mia, some mildly annoying shit you've done is forgiven Jimmy: nowt else Janis: Shh Janis: come meet me off bus Janis: #romance Jimmy: alright Jimmy: you sold it to me Janis: 💕 Soft Jimmy: give me the kiss of life if I look like I'm going Jimmy: 'cause you know I'll 🚬 & walk Janis: 😏 Janis: Giving the OAPs on here a show Jimmy: love our new audience 💕 Janis: always a bitchy one though, i 👀 you grandmia Jimmy: probably is her nan Jimmy: does she have a face like 🍋 Janis: Chewing wasps forreal Janis: though I think Mia just rose up from the pits of hell by herself so Jimmy: get her number for my ex Janis: 😂 Janis: so thoughtful Jimmy: her status updates have been harrowing mate Jimmy: reckon Barry's playing away 💔🎻 Janis: Oh no Janis: typical Barry move Jimmy: Yeah Jimmy: near end of life crisis Janis: Stop making me laugh I'm getting looks Jimmy: payback for before when you near ended my life Jimmy: could be worse least I'm not turning you on with the mention of him Janis: War flashbacks, like Jimmy: you got it, JoJo Janis: 💔 Janis: I don't get it but you do you Janis: true love and all that, I guess Jimmy: You don't get wanting to fuck an old bloke? Jimmy: Me either Janis: 😏 OMG we get it, you're straight Janis: it's me they got the questions about, not you Jimmy: so far Jimmy: but Pete is gonna need consoling for his 💔 Janis: 🙄 don't drag me into this Janis: find yourself a girl and him a mans Jimmy: so nah to the threesome? 👌 I'll let him know Janis: You don't wanna see his cum face Jimmy: I'll look at the back of his head Janis: Alright, glad you've worked out the logistics Janis: be rude to make him stay under the pillow Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: in or out? Janis: whey Janis: long as it don't count 'cos threeways don't Jimmy: 'course Janis: 👍 Jimmy: #romance Janis: you know it Janis: real test faking it to that level, no matter how thick he is Jimmy: 🥇 Jimmy: we've got this baby 💕 Janis: Poor Pete Jimmy: ��🎻🎻 Jimmy: you see me yet? Janis: Hold on, lemme try and remember what you look like Jimmy: You ain't that good at faking it, Justine Jimmy: #unforgettable Janis: You'll be huffy when you find me chatting to the wrong white boy Jimmy: Nah I'll just smack him Jimmy: #goals like Janis: 😏 Janis: There you are Jimmy: 😘