#don't let them ever hear me say that
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yesterday was my 18yo birthday party and the gifts i received were:
- a supernatural mug
- a pillow with pitbull's face where it reads "Live Laugh Love –Mr Worldwide"
overall, i thing i just won Life
#i started spn 19 days ago. IMAGINE HOW ANNOYING I AM WITH IT YHAT MY FRIENDS IMPRENTWD THEIR FACES IN A MUG#last halloween i went as pitbull so it's just a joke we've been having all year#it was so fun#i love my friends so so much#don't let them ever hear me say that
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thinking about this again.... he name d. he named it..
#i desperately need to know what Ben and Luthers dynamic was like in the comics im so normal about them.#all the implications.... luthers apparent guilt over something..#“I know everyone blames you for what happened to Ben. but none of us know what really happened that day”#the way diego says following Luther would get them killed.#Vanya writing that “he was easily manipulated. dragged into Father and Luthers little games—and those two simply let him die.”#gerard way please if you can hear me#i need a play by play#I don't get to go down to the comic shop often and haven't ever preordered a comic#but trust the Moment that announcement for the new series is made i will be there#luther hargreeves#ben hargreeves#in spirit at least#the umbrella academy#tua comics#tua#my
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When you're reading a TLOU2 review and you can instantly tell it's written by a man.. like whatever bitch more for me ig!!
#men try not to kick and scream when you have to play as a woman challenge#you can hear their little brains going hmm i don't like this game bc of the GIRL characters but i can't say that or i'll sound sexist.....#let me come up with the most transparent whiny complaints ever about the story and gameplay.. surely that will fool them#good riddance idec! if it was possible to make a game that only lesbians were allowed to play i would support it#tlou#tlou2#ellie williams#the last of us
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:/
#liam when i get you#😔 no build up no conflict barely any talking.... it's like [redacted] all over again#like wasn't opposed to it but like...i wanted them to actually like. talk?#if he wasn't always on that damn phone#now it's like. ok Cool so we're just going whatever is popular#like#imogen and laudna had build up they have had conflict!#i don't count smth matt mostly participated in as build up? 😭 idk i just like#i wanted better for them#but seeing how it happened had definitely turned it stale for me#:(#sad....i really loved this campaign at the start#not just shipping reasons lol#but all of it#is it so much to ask for the campaign to actually focus on the group they're playing as?#for there to be more downtime for the characters to build relationships with eachother?#idk#i feel like everytime i read the updates on the new episodes i get more disappointed#and sucks cause this campaign truly had some of my favorite pcs#and this is mostly me whining and i get it it's their game but they're also turning a profit on it so lol i think i can say i'm disappointe#i think hearing abt this episode really solidified not wanting to catch up#like ok cool so we're just. mcu-ing this now.#and other things#yeah just sad#c hetney pock o'pea ur perfect though. the only bitch who hasn't let me down ever.#edit: everytime i get a note on this i am welcoming another little hater
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/breathes in real deeply. I'm trying to sit on my hands, and I managed to sit on only one for the time being, but even that'll falter as I get tired. Ladies and gents, please hear me: Dorian Pavus was born in 9:11 Dragon, Veilguard takes place in 9:53 Dragon, that places him at the age of 42 years old. I will not, I absolutely will not stand to see people infantalize him in any way whatsoever, be that jokingly or not. Dorian Pavus' entire backstory up until his 'departure' from Tevinter, is ripe, and I mean absolutely dripping with everything starting from lack of agency, to a planned violation of self-autonomy at the hands of his father, and constant 'infantilization' by his mother; I will not see it continued. Have a little respect for a character (and his struggles) that meant, and mean, a great deal to not just his creator, but to many fans who are part of a community that hasn't had a character that hits this close to home.
And as a little addendum here: Necromancy is a specialization, which is not taught before anything else, and thus not at a young age. When you go to learn, or refine your use of magic, you first work on your basics, your chosen school of magic. The school of Power, consisting of Spirit, and Primal; or the school of Matter, which is sub-categorized by Entropy, and Creation. This takes up a substantial amount of your formative years as of potentially a child, until adulthood (if we loosely take the Circle's ages as reference). The specializations are not an addition pursued by all mages, and if one is pursued, they come after the basics, which means that no young child/teenager is dabbling in Necromancy, Rift Magic, Spirit Healing, the ancient art of Knight-Enchanters or anything similar. With which I aim to say that Dorian Pavus was not a teenager when he started his specialization into Necromancy, nor was he likely under the age of 20 when taught for one term by Emmrich Volkarin in Nevarra. Do not use that man to infantalize Dorian Pavus, do not use that man as an adoptive father figure, do not call Dorian your 'son', do not— Oooh, I feel strongly about this topic. It's so easy to preach respect, but it's so selectively applied in practice, and it bothers me greatly.
#[ dorian pavus. ] he says we're alike. too much pride. once i would have been overjoyed to hear him say that. now I'm not certain.#[ dorian pavus: etc. ] you can't call me pampered. nobody's peeled a grape for me in weeks.#[ salt. ] should i be quieter next time? / no. no… it's fine. children don't learn unless you shout at them.#[ dorian pavus: meta. ] you inspired me with your marvelous antics. you’re shaping the world. how could i aspire to do any less?#[ i ended up touching a little bit on meta here so let's just add it. ]#[ oof i just saw a post-- and i'll admit to it. but man it made the salt grate in my veins. ]#[ i need a coffee. it's just. it's about respect. it really is. it's not hard to practice a minimal amount of it. ]#[ and no-- i don't/won't take 'but i don't know dorian pavus well to know this' as an excuse. ]#[ then do your due diligence. because don't we live in this climate where everyone claims to 'want to do right'? ]#[ then put in minimal effort to do better. especially considering because people are using banter that isn't automatically triggered-- ]#[ to /try/ and substantiate this. ]#[ sorry; i have always stood up for this character and i don't think that i'll ever stop. and it's because of stuff like this. ]
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I will be forever grateful i can be on this new med. it's one a lot of folks also need and can struggle to have access to! It's important i be on it, especially if i start doing any vid collabs
(some of which, really, all of which, i unfortunately actually need to cancel that were in the preplanning stages, bc the election results have me wanting to wait and see how the general atmosphere of the country is before i agree to meet up with anyone. I feel bad for cancelling, but also i just can't know for sure how safe things are/might be going forward and I'd rather avoid the potential of. ya know. various not great things that could happen at a meet up, tho i would certainly hope they wouldn't. i don't feel like actually addressing them rn, u guys know what i mean)
That said, if the truvada initial side effects could fuck off asap would be so lovely. three weeks at worst, then they should be gone/much better or so i am told. really hope that's true bc losing my mornings to being dizzy and nauseous is Not Working for me lmao. im on week two, and now understand why my new doc said to call if i needed any 'cheerleading' and support to get thru the side effects, bc apparently she's done that for several ppl to make sure they actually make it thru the three weeks and keep on it (lovely of her!!)
#text post#not going to get into the other painful smack of this morning#suffice to say that medicaid does not in fact fully cover vocal therapy/training for trans ppl#even if ur docs feel incredibly certain it is#if i was making a decent bit over minimum wage at consistent hours and already had my current debts paid off mostly#then I'd happily consider paying the chunk Medicaid won't cover but as of now#it would literally be basically two paychecks if not three to cover the estimate for this first visit#and that's only if the poll would have us polling every week like we did before the election#otherwise we're guesstimating it would be upwards of 4 paychecks to cover it#I'm actually gonna get into in here bc nobody reads all my tag essays (fair valid and correct)#im really sad abt this. my voice gets me clocked a lot and while i can mostly handle like. visually being clocked#my voice giving me away genuinely makes me feel a pain in my chest. i can't get my customer service voice to go lower yet#and even if it's my usual voice I've made minimal progress on my own self done vocal study stuff#so like. no one knows how high it was compared to how it is now tho so no one actually hears it as anything near deep#which it isn't but like. there's been a slightly barely there drop of it per at least a couple ppl in my life#i was probably going to be able to learn how to sing again and find my new range. I'd fix my customer service voice#even if it would only ever be a teeny bit lower than how it is now. it would be lovely#im not gonna get too down tho bc someday hopefully I'll be able to make it happen/afford it#and for now...im doing the bad thing of not cancelling the appt yet#i will bc they're booking out for months and it isn't right of me to take a spot i know i can't keep#but. let me pretend i can for another day or two. maybe until monday. then I'll call or msg them on mychart#and let them know i just don't have the funds rn tho i do deeply appreciate that Medicaid at least pays part of it#im just not at a point where i can cover the rest but that I'll reschedule/have a new referral sent whenever that changes#...and hopefully things in this country will be of such a state that such care is still available to ppl like me.#but that's all we're saying on that bc im already having a pathetic little cry over this#(im fine the med side effects have me crying over everything lol i see a sad commercial and Instant Tears like someone died lmaooo)
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#I get tired of people trying to explain what lens I should view the world through; what way I could think that would make everything better#forgive me but I don't care; I do what I do and I do what I can and you don't see the work I do under the hood#I don't want advice on self validation or whatever; I want... I want someone to hold a mirror up so I can actually see myself#by which I mean I want input on how I'm doing; if it's good enough; if it's worth anything; if anything I make is good#everyone things I'm nice; everyone has always thought I'm nice#but given nice leaves me profoundly isolated I don't think I care#not to mention in my opinion what nice in this instance means is that I'm capable of listening#it's mostly that I have manners rather than some quality about me#I'm well behaved and polite and can listen; and that's perceived as nice or even sweet#and it's not like I'm offended by people seeing me that way; but maybe you can get why... I can't do anything with that information#but if I'm doing enough... if I provide any value to the world... I might have heard that less times in my life than years I've lived#that's where I'm totally blind#people don't tend to offer any input; and also people don't tend to let me know what they're thinking#and I in fact am not a mind reader; I can often accurately infer things; but no of that means a thing till it's confirmed#and... well... hopefully no one reads the stupid shit I say and especially not the tags so this is safe and hidden#but truthfully people just like to hear that stuff they're doing is wanted and matters#and I do not#I don't know... gotta go do more cleaning cause I need to#and I have no idea if... I've got a reason for fighting so hard to clean; but I get very little input so... I expect... well...#and thankfully I don't think they read my tags so I can say this#but I really expect they won't take me up on my offer to come out here and get away from their parents; so there will be no pay off#not that I blame them in the slightest... it's just the only possible pay off for this cleaning would be helping someone I like out#and a scrap of company#but then again... in many ways anyone coming out to live with me is the worst thing they could probably do#sorry... I have a rather bleak outlook on many things surrounding myself purely cause of what I infer from the past#there is never pay off; only more shit I need to get done#I will never be loved; I will never be wanted; I will always just kinda be an afterthought that's occasionally worth venting to#no one will ever be particularly interested in anything I'm interested while I'll chase their interests or at least try to#certainly let them talk about them when they want#...though I take that over my normal total isolation... better to at least be permitted to follow in someone's shadow than have nothing
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saw you post 'listen before you go', thought you'd enjoy this:
oh...
#sterechats :)#going through It. and by It let's just say. the worst loss of my life lol#but I don't think anyone wants to hear how I ruined it again#and how badly I miss them#and if they'd give me one more chance I'd be the happiest person in the world#they put up with so much shit I should never have put them through#I can't blame them for leaving I just wish I could show them how much they mean to me#that behind all of my masks and my anger I cared about them more than anything#and I'm just so damn scared of being vulnerable because I've learned vulnerability is weakness#and even though that's wrong and I know it is it's less vulnerable to close myself off and respond with rage#than it is to actually confront my own emotions and realize that I'm not a robot#that I have feelings and they're usually really big and overwhelming for me#and I have to step back and process these things on my own because it's unfair to others#because I can't keep treating my friends like they're responsible for my emotions and at fault for them#because I need to actually communicate my needs instead of assuming people know them#because these same patterns are why I keep losing friends over and over again#and if I don't fix them I'm never going to be able to maintain a friendship#god. if they're ever going to read this I hope they know how much they mean to me#and how deeply and truly sorry I am for everything I've done#and how I never want to hurt them ever again#and I'm crying again. it feels like all I'm ever doing recently is crying#you know that saying 'you don't realize what you have until it's gone'? yeah.#for all the shit I talked I'd do anything to hear them tell me about their f1 drivers again#I miss them so much it's killing me it feels like#I just. I don't think they're coming back#no matter how much I tell myself they just need a few weeks or months#I think I really fucked it up this time and I don't want to admit it to myself#because I don't think I can mentally accept that they're gone forever most likely#I just want to hope that they'll give me that one last chance and I can prove myself#I just want to talk to them again and it hurts so much
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rereading the worst scene I have ever written in my entire life and why did harrison have to drag lonan so hard here:
The sound of Lonan’s voice is like crashing into a concrete wall.
#this is a simile that in my poetry workshop we might say isn't quite symmetrical enough#BUT IS IT FUNNY YEAH#not that I care to critique the line because literally not the point of this book but since we're here and I mentioned the symmetrical thin#LET'S TALK ABOUT IT BC IT'S ONE OF THE ONLY THINGS I LIKED#ABOUT MY POETRY WORKSHOPS (this is a joke if my prof ever sees this)#anyway so basically entails having a simile where the comparison doesn't feel quite accurate to what it's describing#that can entail accuracy in tone size etc#like for example here it's hard to grasp how a voice can BE like crashing into a wall#bc the senses here aren't quite symmetrical (hearing the sound of a voice VS feeling or seeing something crash)#ANYWAY not saying I don't think it works it's just a neat thing I learned that I actually do like and think you can use#intentionally too....... but I'd never thought of the symmetricality (? lmao) of similes before#& I think it's made them stronger#a revision could be adding a verb that makes the simile more congruent btw#like “HEARING lonan's voice is like crashing into a wall” etc bc the verb hearing is symmetrical with the “image” (in this case sound)#that a crash makes..... anyway this has helped me when i'm like why tf does this simile not work#ANYWAY RANDOM CRAFT CHAT IN THE TAGS AS WE LAUGH AT LONAN HAHAHA YOUR BOYFRIEND HATES U etc
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youtube
exene talking about the state of the world. the good stuff starts at eight minutes. or you can just read the transcript complete with the usual errors that accompany robot transcribed speech (the irony of which is not lost on me). maybe it's not about transhumanism and living forever (or maybe it is who knows), but there's definitely an agenda of surveillance and control at work which is designed to keep the powerful in power. cash rules everything around me and you will own nothing etc. the future is worse.
#google has helpfully flagged this as a 'conspiracy theory' which let me know it was definitely worth paying attention to#sometimes a conspiracy theory turns out to be flatearth-tier but anything those in control are putting effort into discrediting#concerns me and makes me look deeper. if they're going to the effort to control the discourse there's something there that#threatens them. anything google calls a conspiracy theory is worth a closer look. it often means someone has gotten too close to the truth.#she's brave to be talking about this shit they basically cancelled her and forced her to apologize for talking about how they want#to take our guns and the media is lying to you and stirring up fear so they can get away with passing gun control#like wtf leftists should be all about gun rights. a disarmed population is totally at the mercy of the state's authority#it's not very punk to surrender entirely to regimes in power and let the only people with guns be the police#like c'mon guys we need guns. and it's like drugs. they exist anyway. better they do so in broad daylight than in the shadows#they let adam curits talk about this stuff for some reason and no one calls him a conspiracy theorist idk why but there's a reason#i guess his stuff is not a threat to them bc it's dense and heady and seven hours long so the masses will never absorb it#ex punk rocker yelling about new world order in plain language monologues of digestible length is a much bigger threat#i swear there are secretly fifty people in control of everything and their entire aim is to make sure it stays that way no matter what#but it's really gross how obvious it's getting like the whole system just funnels money straight to the top and they don't even care#about hiding it anymore they're just doing it out in open and denying objective reality with confidence it's too much sometimes#i swear i can feel my grasp on reality deteriorating. it's as if there were a loud buzzing in the out of doors that was getting#louder every day and nobody ever said anything to acknowledge that it was real nobody talked about hearing the buzzing but it just#keeps getting louder and i'm finally like wtf is with this buzzing and everyone gets mad at me for shouting over their netflix show#that they weren't really enjoying in the first place. like no one is happy in the modern world. why can't we talk about why without#turning against each other. that's why doug saying 'maybe we're all the same' is such a big deal to me. anyone who is trying to unite us#is doing important work. that trump supporter is not the enemy. they are the victim just like you.
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i have exactly one million questions.
#sea of gatan on betazed woah.....#five years means they hadnt separated yet (at least if you go by 12 and not 5 or 6 like b'elanna says sometimes.)#was it a family vacation? did miral take her alone?#im crafting a narrative unfortunately. miral takes her to get away for a little bit because john is becoming a little bit insufferable#and she immediately almost drowns and its literally the worst vacation of mirals life. <- she cant catch a break#or maybe they have a good time and they don't fight much yet and they're like woohoo family trip to betazed#and b'elanna almost drowns and THEN its the worst day ever for the both of them. :)#or maybe not. so many possibilities#also it must have been a public place? must have been very overwhelming for the people around them to hear the- panic and the grief#the relief after of course.#miral dont tell your father you almost drowned torres#diary#interesting that she waited until she almost died to tell her about stovokor it seems like. something you would start young- though#five is very young but i know religious couples that start younger than this#i once read a fic where miral wasnt- where it was like an issue that miral was so into the klingon religion when b'elanna was growing up#because she hadn't always been that way. it makes me do the math and like-#l'naan is dead during b'elanna's childhood because in prophecy she says that she used to pray for her grandmother when kohlar asks about it#anyway the implication was that she hadn't been so religious when she met john and its like okay my mommy died on me and my daughter#almost drowned and my husband is trying to make me and her into something that is not. What I'm Used To. lets find a crutch#and put claw marks in it! collapses
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#so i have two roommates who are a couple#and in the past year they've started fighting a Lot#they might go a week or so without fighting (or at least that i don't hear) but it can be as much as multiple times a day#like nothing physical and most of the time it's not like a full blown fight but it's arguing or being SO fucking snippy#well it's mostly the one going so over the top and jumping straight to snapping/yelling/saying nasty shit#and it just honestly feels like being a kid again listening to my parents#and i'm literally laying in my bed right now with my door shut and both headphones in blasting music to cover up their voice because#it's honestly kind of triggering those memories and making me so anxious and i just can't stand to listen to it anymore#i've moved twice with the one roommate but i can't live with them anymore. i can't handle this#i really valued them as a friend too but i don't think i can continue the friendship after this#i just could never imagine letting a partner talk to me the way they talk to theirs#and not to say that the partner is 100% in the right and never does anything wrong but there's no need to react the way that they do and#blow up like this.. like they can't ever calmly explain things it so quickly goes to almost belittling their partner#blake says shit
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pretending I know less than I do has become a really strangely common habit of mine like someone will start talking about something I definitely know about and I just pretend I've never heard of it before or don't know what it means. or like I will know they are implying something and immediately play dumb. no idea why I started doing this cause condescension in general is like the one thing that makes my blood boil like you wouldn't believe. but also like. hehahaha. I act a little stupit
#every time I do it it feels like im testing the other person somehow. testing them in regards to something I dont know what is either#it can be funny though. lets me know how theyre in the habit of splainin before they ever have to actually tell me something i dont know ig#I think it makes people who don't know me for an extended period of time take me less seriously and maybe thats just easier#guy standing in corner of room: heha he ha. nobody explaining things to me knows I am actually Knowing#ALSO. sometimes even if you know something already its fun to hear it how another person says it. instant insight on things about them#LOVE-LETTER-FOR-YOU.TXT.vbs
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This is sooooo original and unique of me, but I hate when people talk about me with such a volume that I can make out they're talking about me but not what they're actually saying. Either go somewhere I can't hear or speak in front of me. Pretend I'm not there, I don't care! I'll keep my mouth close! But I want to know what you think if me, if I have to listen to your whispering anyway
#I hate it so fucking much it makes me furious#it's the most annoying shit ever#if I'm not supposed to hear then make sure that I can't hear anything not even your whispers!#especially in this precise instsance since hearing your criticism would actually be helpful to let me know in which areas I should improve!#I should just go there and say it ig#or sit outside the door and not care wether they realise I'm there after a while#personal#you either talk about someone with them or you don't
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tags by @bedknees
"It's impossible for a piece of media to have a perfect, thematically flawless ending."
Arcane:
#!!!!!!!!!!!!#aaaah op ate.#I wanted to make a post about this but YES this the perfect post#Like arcane is rife with devastating violence and trauma#but it crafts its story with a fluidity#artistic aesthetic and such passion#that personally to me makes it an absolute masterpiece#I can't find ONE (1) thing to complain about and that's A New Experience#arcane spoilers#arcane tag#I don't think a season finale of a show has ever made me this insaneeee#That little hopeful look between Mel and Jay & vik and the last lyric of the song playing over the scene “what could have been”!!!!! BITCH#“we will show them all” !!!!!! That was literally jinx hearing him in her head after killing u know who so her firing off that gun was her#way of honouring him and what he wanted most: hurt topside and free the under city#Also when she says “so here's to the new us” and the song over the scene goes “I'm the monster you created” stfu losers @ the writers#let me LIVE#yapping cw 💃#op this ending means everything to me too. it's flawless in every way. dramatic irony galore#arcane brainrot tag
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"Highly respected individuals including henry kissanger..." well I gotta stop you right there, you've got a major inaccuracy cause no one in their right mind respects that man
#I'm barely even joking there; obviously politicians have for whatever god awful reason#but when it comes to actual people; I don't think I've ever heard a single person say anything respectful or even nice about him#not to mention that from everything I can tell he was a fucking idiot who not only did horrible things#the horrible things he did didn't even lead to the outcomes they were supposed to#he kinda just made the world worse for no reason#not to mention me and everyone else for years and years all seemed to collectively agree 'I thought he was dead'#and I didn't respect him enough to even acknowledge him dying at the time#but honestly while I don't believe in celebrating most people dying; it's hard to say the world isn't a better place with him gone#I wouldn't even call him slightly respected; let alone highly#the person who said it seems nice enough; but what he posts is all economics and man...#some of the stuff that comes out of his mouth it's like... I suppose from an economic theory that makes sense#but as a normal human you just sound sick#like any time he frames stuff around how 'companies expect that they'll be able to charge more each year for their products'#like listen... I'm not saying I fully get deflation; but I get enough to realize that it's sadly generally not great#but 'companies won't be able to charge more for their products' is the worst way to explain why it's bad#anyway; my point here is that it didn't surprise me to hear him say kissass is highly respected#but I stand by my assertion of 'respected by who? I ain't met them; all my friends hate his dead ass and want to send him to Cambodia'
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