#don't know why this is happening. was there a trigger? not sure. cant remember what happened earlier to maybe cause it

[autisticlee]

is one of those nights where the flashbacks to bad childhood memories are in dreams that keep waking me up and won't let me sleep.....

[inniave]

helen lore/character development/rant under the cut (skip & take a cookie 🍪 if u don't wanna read. and ig if u stay also take a cookie. 🍪🍪🍪 everyone who wants a cookie gets a cookie. anyway. bye) (this feels so meta)

one time i was dating this guy and one day he was like "hey what happened to you? i can tell something really bad happened but it's like it's a secret or something." and i was just like ����uhhhhhh. please don't make me say the words. put the pieces together. i'm gonna go throw up now.

this was the same guy i forgot if i was in a relationship with or not... i'm still not sure ???? i feel so bad though cause like idk if he noticed me being weird or whatever when really i couldn't tell how i was Supposed to act (is he my bf??? my friend?? what does he know about me? oh god what am i supposed to know about him??) and i've always kinda wanted to reach out but then... like how do you say. "sorry about that period of time (that never really ended) where i forgot who you were to me. i didn't mean to hurt you. i'm sorry."

like???????? is? that seems like a not okay thing to tell someone ? idk. i have no clue. idk if he even remembers me. i don't know if we were happy. all i remember is bits and pieces and idk. i know a made some bad decisions. and i didn't feel. safe? but i don't think that was his fault. at least not that i can tell from what i remembered. i don't know. i don't even know why i'm thinking about this. oh yeah. not talking about what's going on. lol. feeling like i cant say things. cause i couldn't tell him what happened. still can't say it out loud. when i have to tell anyone i just say i have ptsd and they don't seem to have much trouble putting the pieces together :/ even when i try to hide how triggering it is just to talk or think about. even this i'm. i can feel it :( happening again :( and it hurts and where's the line between trauma processing and self harm ?? do feelings count as self harm? i m not intentionally feeling this way though and the problems is we've done sooooo much grounding work to get to this point and now i cant fucking dissociate well enough to fucking function. fuck. there's no point to this. idk. fuck.

[paleairlesscompanion]

Lost Sterek Fic Please Help!

TW: Fic contains past non-con/rape

I've posted this to Lost Fics in reddit but I'm desperate so posting here too.

I need help finding a Stiles Stilinski/Derek Hale fic that I remember certain details/plot points of, but no idea what the title was. I've put the various layers of details I remember below. I've been trying to find it forever - please help me before I go insane!

GENERAL:

- Was definitely on ao3

- Was definitely third-person Stiles POV

- I THINK it was about 2000-2500 words but it could have been longer

- I read it several years ago, pre-2018 if not earlier

- Main premise was that Stiles had been sexually assaulted in his early teens but hadn't been able to process what happened to him as being actual rape. He is then triggered when being intimate with Derek, but Derek actually stops when he asks which brings the trauma to the surface. Derek explains that what had happened to Stiles wasn't his fault, hurt/comfort etc.

MAIN PLOT POINTS:

- Stiles and Scott go to party

- Stiles ends up being raped by older girl (starts as consensual making out)

- Girl gaslights Stiles 'of course you want this/all guys want sex'

- Stiles is ashamed, doesn't tell Scott or anyone else what happened

- Few years on, Stiles exaggerates his crush on Lydia Martin to hide his trauma around intimacy/sex

- Meets Derek (canonical age difference), and actually wants to be intimate with him

- They make out but Stiles is triggered and wants to stop

- Derek DOES stop, Stiles asks why, Derek says because Stiles told him to

- Derek respecting his 'no', when the highschool girl hadn't, brings all the trauma/confusion to the surface and Stiles panics and runs

- Derek goes after him, Stiles tells him about his assault, and Derek explains that what happened to Stiles was rape and that it wasn't his fault

- Stiles cries in Derek's arms, Derek is very protective/tender

Super specific details under the cut

SPECIFIC DETAILS:

- Stiles and Scott are early teens (middle school age?) and sneak out at night to go to a highschool party

- It is Scott's idea - Stiles is worried about how angry/disappointed his dad will he if he finds out but goes because his friend wants to

- Scott leaves Stiles alone at the party (I think to go off with some cute girl from one of their classes)

- Stiles feels awkward and out of place surrounded by popular older kids he doesn't know

- He is approached by a hot older girl, and is mostly very flattered that she's showing an interest in him when he's so young/'uncool'

- She is some kind of athlete on a school team

*(I could have sworn it was the girls volleyball team, but this hasn't narrowed my search results so now I'm not sure)*

- They end up in one of the bedrooms alone and begin making out on the bed

- Stiles cant believe this is happening and is excited and willing at first when it's just kissing

- She ends up on top of him and starts escalating from making out to full on sex

- Stiles becomes uncomfortable and wants her to stop -- I can't remember if he says 'no' or 'stop' or 'I don't want this' but he definitely protests

- She is too physically strong (athlete) for Stiles to push her off -- there's a line about Stiles realising the strength hidden in her toned body and being afraid instead of turned on

- She dismisses his protests -- says something about 'don't be silly, of course you want this'/makes a comment about how all guys want sex (may have also said something about it being his lucy day and/or how many boys can say they lost their virginity to a hot older girl? i.e. bragging rights)

- She stays on top of him and rapes him - he's gone into a Freeze response, not participating but unable to stop her

- I can't remember if he comes or not

- She leaves him there - says something like "you're welcome", definitely keeps up the whole 'not even considering he wasn't willing' thing

- It takes him a while to un-freeze, when he does he's shaken but he cleans and dresses himself

- He finds Scott downstairs all happy/blushing with the cute girl from earlier

- I think there's a line about how different Stiles feels from Scott i.e. they entered the party as dumb kids but now Stiles has been changed by his experience, while Scott has stayed the same

- Stiles does not tell anyone what happened

* he's been messed up by what she said to him, lots of self-doubt, like he must have reacted that way because there's something wrong with HIM. Possibly alluded to the whole 'men cant get raped' bullshit. Worried no one will believe he didn't want it *

- The next part is more general description of the next few years going into highschool (and Scott getting turned etc cannon stuff)

- Stiles is super uncomfortable with his peer's increasing focus on sex now that they're all older

- SUPER SPECIFIC LINE but I can't remember the exact wording, something about guys thinking about sex every 7(?) seconds, and that Stiles also thinks about it that often but for a very different reason (trauma)

- He's terrified of being intimate with anyone, but since everyone else is focused on dating/sex, he tries to appear that way so no one knows how fucked up/traumatised he feels about all of it

- It's common knowledge he's had a crush on Lydia since they were little kids so he plays it up his attraction to her (canonical stuff about everyone knowing he's infatuated with her, making embarrassing public declarations about her, etc.)

- She is a safe bet as he knows she would never go for him/reciprocate anything, and his antics stop anyone else from showing interest in him

- There's a line I can't remember the exact words to, something like 'everyone knew Stiles was in love with Lydia Martin, so of *course* he wanted to have sex with her'

- There's also mention of Scott meeting Alison, being super into her and all the PDA -- It makes Stiles feel nauseous (trauma response)

- I can't remember the particulars of how Stiles and Derek end up being interested in each other but they do

- They're in a room in the abandoned Hale house and are going to make out

- I'm pretty sure there's a bit about how Stiles actually wants Derek, and how significant that is when he hasn't been able to feel attraction since what had happened to him -- and he's psyching himself up because he WANTS this and he doesn't want to start feeling scared/disgusted/etc, he wants to be normal and enjoy being with the guy he likes

- They're making out, I can't remember if it's Derek being on top of him, or if Derek goes to put his hand over Stiles cock through his jeans, but something triggers Stiles

- I think there's a line that draws a parallel to him behing young and weak against the athletic rapist, and him being older/bigger now but even more helpless against a werewolf with supernatural strength

- He freezes and says something like 'no' or 'stop'

- Derek stops IMMEDIATELY, takes his hands off Stiles and moved back to give him space

- Stiles is still frozen but is even more thrown that Derek had actually listened and stopped

- I can't remember the exact wording of the exchange but Stiles asks why Derek stopped, and Derek answers because you told me to but like it's the most obvious thing in the world

- It brings up all the buried shit for Stiles, because if Derek listened to him now it means the girl should have listened to him back then and it overwhelms him and he runs out of the house to his jeep

- Derek doesn't understand but knows something is very wrong and goes after Stiles

- They end up in the Jeep together -- I THINK Derek catches up with the Jeep as it's driving through the woods and Stiles slams the breaks OR Stiles is so hysterical when he reaches the Jeep thar he can't get the keys into the ignition and Derek finds him there

- Derek is very slow with his movements getting in the car and doesn't touch Stiles

- Stiles eventually starts to spill everything about his assault, but the way he describes it is through the lens of all the fucked up self-blame he has had about it

- Derek becomes obviously furious, he's mad at the rapist but Stiles sees the anger and looks terrified as though Derek is going to do something to HIM (trauma response)

- Derek deliberately calms himself because he does not want to spook Stiles

- Again, I don't remember the particulars but Derek gently explains that Stiles was assaulted, that it wasn't his fault, that it never should have happened to him, that she should have listened

- He ends up holding Stiles while he sobs and I THINK there's mention that he's going to encourage Stiles to tell his dad

[agro-carnist]

not sure how any of this will be taken but it is all well-meaning and if i seem harsh anywhere it is probably the autism, because i don't hold malice toward you.

i appreciate your response to everything that's been happening. i must admit that it hasn't changed my opinions on the posts you've made or art in question, but i want to emphasize that suspecting someone is a pedophile or a zoophile is Never something i deprive joy or satisfaction from (it's just scary.), and hearing you explicitly say you are neither and explain why is truly a genuine relief.

i do believe you when you say you are neither. i am also appalled to hear that anyone has compared you to people like hypnotistsappho, i cant imagine how awful that would feel.

while my opinions (in regards to the art in question, the enjoyment of minor/adult relationships, or my belief that engaging with potentially dangerous paraphilias is indeed a bad idea) will likely never be changed, i did read what you've said in good faith and i will make an effort to atleast think over the points youve made. i also do not believe in thoughtcrime and do recognize that many of us can fall into black/white thinking regarding kink and the like.

i personally am also into kink, although it falls into "tamer" categories (for lack of ability to think up a better word), and to an extent i understand where some of what you say is coming from. i suppose regardless of my personal morals, in the grand scheme of things, as long as you arent hurting anyone (which you thankfully dont appear to be) it isn't my business and i don't need to understand anyway.

there is one post i wish you'd addressed but i can see why you didn't because it wasn't really in discussion much, and maybe isn't as big a deal as i am making it out to be. but as someone else with diagnosed ocd your post about (and forgive me because i do not remember the exact wording of your post. i promise i am not trying to put exact words in your mouth) "antis secretly enjoying the things that they claim disgust them" was really gut-punching to see and to be completely honest i felt a lot less open to hearing your side of things for a while after learning about it, because it just felt so mean spirited...

i know it wasn't aimed at other people with ocd but i wish you'd taken into account that other people with ocd would probably see that post before making it. especially since ocd is something you have personal experience with and know what it is like to suffer from. while we may disagree over the morality of much of what's being discussed, i am sure we can both agree as people with ocd that being told you secretly enjoy the thoughts that scare and disgust you or that go against your morals is never fun. it is a trigger for me but i think it is rude to imply this even to people without ocd. im not sure what i want to get out of sharing this. but i did want to be honest about how that post came off to me since i feel quite dissatisfied about it

all that really matters i guess is that you've provided clarification and were honest in your post. i really had no idea what else to think with what information and pieces we had beforehand, and now i simply hope we can all quietly avoid eachother in peace.

That's all I really want. I just want to be heard and understood. I really appreciate this. I'd rather be in civil disagreement than fight each other.

As for your concern on that post - I completely understand the concern there. There was a context for that image and I didn't expect it to be shared on other sites. I made that at a time when a lot of people were making "my favorite ship dynamics" tweets but using it to vilify other ships. It was kind of a trend to post your favorite ship dynamics with a doodle of generic blob people showing the dynamic. A lot of these were "problematic" tropes and a lot of people started a pushback trying to shame the original tweets. I was annoyed seeing tweets all the time that essentially boiled down to "the best and only valid ship dynamics are healthy and wholesome relationships." So I made that as a jab at them. I see a lot of hypocrisy among those types. I know a lot of people, including myself, would preach only what we deemed as healthy or unproblematic but had deeply repressed interests in the "problematic." And also heard of many instances where someone like that would be found creating and/or consuming equally nasty art. It was meant to point that out. I didn't mean to imply that everyone actually has secret taboo fetishes or that people genuinely upset by certain tropes are lying. I understand that can be upsetting and I apologize I made people feel that. Like I said I didn't think it would leave that context. It was just supposed to highlight a harmful attitude I kept seeing. In hindsight I could have made that clearer. I want people to accept their fantasies and not live like they're trying to cover them up by being a hostile moral crusader but I dont want others to feel hurt for that to happen. Again I'm sorry that it came to people getting triggered by what I said

[caregiver-twylas-daycare]

bigspace val here- just wanted to say thank you for talking with me while im small, it's greatly appreciated. an advice thing ive been asking other agere related folk- when im regressed i start to miss someone who really hurt me but i don't remember that they hurt me so i get upset that i cant interact with them cause i don't know why. i dont want to explain what happened to my small self because it might trigger a ptsd episode but i keep getting super upset and wanting to talk with them but just knowing im not allowed to. any advice? i hope you slept well and have a stellar day-🧵

Hey Val! You asked such a good question, and it's hard for me to think of a good answer. Your little self deserves to know why you can't tall or communicate with the person while also making sure that you don't trigger a ptsd episode. It's always okay to miss someone buy know that it will not be good if you contacted them.

I hope this answer helps. I did sleep well, and I hope you have a good day, too!

[mizerss]

Weekly Journal 1 : Highschool

Its is known to public that an SPM is once in a lifetime that everyone should experience. Who likes to be a high-schooler? SPM is an exam that will decided whether your highschool experience will be the best or the worst. SPM means you have to study and push yourself on books, number and calculator. The most subject that people avoided and being realistic with is math. My school is known for its cluster. Just like MRSM, students in my school fight for their life with exam result. If you get good grades, the teacher will praise and started to put high hopes whenever there is an exam. It is different otherwise. When the batch before get higher grades, our principle will push us to make sure we do better. It also appears that my school highs up softball games and 'Bahasa Melayu'. We receive many award because my school participate in lots of activities. In the early year, the SPM batch always participate in many programs. But after fasting month, the SPM batch will started to get busy and will have many extra classes. Usually it will likely happened in May. As a student that never achieve good grades, I find it hard to survive. I will be such a lie if I say I never have the thought to end my high school life early but that is what I miss the most. My most un favourite subject is history. I never find it interesting as I feel like ' why we need to look back at our ancestor stupidity in leading the country?'. I always got failed or maybe the lowest grades and it stressing my teacher out. But you know, people change. I see how my friends struggle and I keep asking advices from the school counselor. Its funny because Im actually a member of the school counselor. Back to the storyline, my friends keep saying that they feel bad for their parents who have struggled and it make me realized that if they can do it, why cant I? As a person who loves to do challenge it triggered me. Around three weeks before the exam I speed up my studies to revise all topics in the history subject. I almost forgot, there is actually another side story of my SPM journey. I took art in school and teachers don't put high expectation in students who take art. Trial start around October and art students were busy finishing our field work. I remember once, our Bahasa Melayu teacher were furious because we keep asking for the class to canceled or to change our timetable. For some reason, teachers don't like students who took art, maybe because they think that its just waste of study time and money. Although with all the chaos that is happening, I still get good grades and manage to maintain my pointer. From this, we can learn that not all students have the same pace and ability in study. It just take a right teacher to teach. Never underestimated those who always in the back beacuse sometimes their superiority will surpass your expectation.

[letters-to-jesse]

Dear Jesse #43

I'm having trauma from us come up. Jess, I'm not going to lie- you made me feel so poor about my body. In bed too.

"you're boring"

"going too slow"

always making me feel uncomfortable because i didnt want to have sex, and saying you were very sexually frustrated, it never being about how I felt and never being cared for after until I became triggered from bleeding- and that made you a bit upset too.

I don't want to think about these things- but its very real to me. I'm not sure if you remember everything because a lot of this happened when you drank everyday. Its something that's hurt me. Yet you told me that i was gaslighting you about alcohol because of my mom and brother- you may be sober now and i cant tell you how proud I am of you, and genuinely happy- and with that- the horrible actions also coexist with that. You don't suddenly get a pass because you're sober.

I don't know why I'm typing this here. but talking about it in therapy today just made need to talk more somewhere.

you can easily counter this with my actions- i understand and accept that.

I'm trying to work through this and let go.

i don't know what else to say.

Love,

Em.

[refecktion-lads]

ah,, im gonna admit,, i think kevin should continue to learn about himself. this is the first time that its ever happened, and while we can guess at what triggered it, i dont think we can draw any proper conculsions until we try to get kevins memories back!

its a very big risk, yes, and i dont want to lose any of you! but i think we would all feel much safer when we know a little bit more about how and why it happens. its only happened once, now. technically, it could have been anything that caused the blip, and we wouldnt know bc were trying not to repeat it. its not science after all, unless its replicable. who knows, maybe it truly was just a once off. maybe all u need is to make sure that kevin doesnt remember things about himself while jack and daithi are there. maybe it was just the first time around that caused the blip.

plus,, i cant help but think of it as cruel, to deny kevin his past life, to deny daithi one of his friends. at the very least, they should get this,, not only kevins past self back, but a feeling of safety, when they understand more about their situation.

-💛

K: Okay... okay. Let me try something out.

K: Here goes.

[He takes a deep breath in. Out.]

K: My name is Kevin O'Reilly. I'm 29 years old. I was born in Cork. I used to teach music.

K: Daithi's my friend. We worked together in an office. He asked me to help him make something I didn't understand. I still don't really understand it. But it was something important, I think.

K: And then something went wrong, and now I don't remember anything.

K: . . .

K: Am I still here?

D: Yep!

K: Oh, good.

[autisticlee]

brain decided to remind me if a time I was playing a game with some people and one person accidentally knocked me if the edge of something in game and my character died. I was asked what happened and I matter of factlt stated that person knocked me off the edge but it's fine. I wasn't upset. I didn't care. I play games to have fun, not take them seriously. this oerosn decided to take it way too seriously and play the victim by yelling at me as saying they did nothing and I did it on purpose and i'm accusing them. they definitely did do it accidentally. I don't see why that's a bad thing??? they kept arguing with me for a long time and I just kept stating the same thing I was standing still and they jumped up beside me and pushed me off. it's not even a huge problem so I dont understand why they acted like I was accusing them of actual murder. no one else stood up for me and just let them yell at and blame me. I don't know why they couldn't just move on and kept trying to win an argument I wasn't even having. they finally shut up and later in the game someone asked them to help me and they said no someone else do it because i'll blame then for killing me again. they brought it up several other times. why bring it up?! get over it and move on you annoying little freak ugh.

I thought at first it was a joke because these people joke with each other that way sometimes but this person was yelling and acting angry so I don't think it was a joke and the more i insisted on the facts of what happened, the angrier they got. I tried to ask why they thought I was blaming them and why they're so upset about it and they ignored me to keep saying they did nothing and it's my fault.

I don't remember how I felt besides annoyed. but remembering it now pisses me off. I cant stand people like this. even if they have a "valid" reason like if I triggered a feeling they get from being "blamed" for a mistake or whatever. it's hard for me to have empathy when they're screaming at me and trying to play victim for a tiny insignificant mistake that doesn't matter at all!!!! people being rude and not listening and screaming at me triggers me so I don't have the ability to care about your feelings. they could say sorry and move on or be like oh I didn't realize and move on. but try to make me feel bad and blame me and act like i'm accusing them of something serious is ridiculous and uncalled for and I have no patience or empathy for you. just shut the fuck up and never speak to me again if you're going to act like that. I don't know what you want from me when you act like this. do you want me to "admit" I did it on purpose and am blaming you because i hate you?! I don't understand!!!!! they sure wanted me to admit to admit something false so they could feel good about themselves. but I refuse. i'm dont letting people walk over me so I refused. and they decided to become my enemy and be rude to me the rest of the night.

i'm too autistic for this kind of shit.

[omegawolverine]

Thoughts on Fundy's apology? :O

wooo okay so im gonna make a lil blurb for each piece, here is a link to the apology for anyone who needs context

jackbox:

i specifically remember the jackbox thing happening as i saw it live, i thought the jokes were shitty but im also used to that kind of offensive "humour" so it didnt trigger me or anything, just made me uncomfortable. that being said, it was definetly a terrible thing to mention, let alone joke about, so im really glad he apologized for it back then and again now. personally, i think his apology for this is and was always genuine, so i definetly forgive him for it.

gorilla joke:

gonna be real here—i havent seen the actual clips of it, i actually didnt even hear about it when it first happened bc i was barely on twitter then and when i was i mostly just saw technotwt arguing with 404twt, as per usual. anyways, from what ive actually seen of the joke, as explained by fundy, people who like fundy and people who hate him, the joke was definetly bad, but also the wording never seemed intentionally racist to me as a black person and with fundy's added explanation of how he misunderstood the term racism, i think he should get a pass on this one. i see a lot people saying "he's a grown ass man, he should know what racism is blah blah blah" and while id usually agree, fundy's first language isnt english and it just sounds to me like he misunderstood what the term meant in english. if it happens again, then that's a different story, but for now, i dont really care. apology number two is a-okay in my book.

deadname:

this literally shouldnt have even been an issue in the first place, as a trans person i never wouldve thought of this as a deadname and even if it was, how is this offensive? it just comes across as a lighthearted joke, imo. like. i get it, he's cis, and a lot of people see his character as trans bc wilbur said c!fundy is trans early on, but that was literally retconned and fundy just said he doesnt care if people hc his character as trans. and fuck, even if c!fundy was canonically trans and being played by a cis man, i still wouldnt find this offensive, it would just be funny to me. so yeah, of course i accept this apology, bc i dont think he shouldve been apologizing to begin with and im 99% sure this was only an issue bc people already didnt like him.

aave:

yeah i get why this was an issue, but a lot of people took it out of it's original context or just blatantly lied about what he said bc they dont like him, which sucks bc it would be much more productive to just educate him on aave which he probably didnt even know about considering it's african american vernacular english and he is neither american, nor a native english speaker. in the end, i think this was made into a way bigger deal than it actually shouldve been and considering the fact that so many non black american ccs use aave and just never apologize for it, let alone get called out in the first place, im not gonna sit here and be fuckn pissy about this. hopefully it's a one time thing, but even if it isnt, im usually lenient with ccs using aave bc a lot of them just dont know it's wrong, they dont know every single example of aave under the sun (fuck, im black and i regularly dont know whether things are aave or not) or they don't know it's a thing to begin with. the fact that fundy apologized for this is very cool imo bc i cant really think of any other ccs who have off the top of my head (which is fine btw, im not bothered by it) and im glad he did.

discord mod:

i can't personally accept any apology for this as im not system, so the only thing i will say is that i dont think fundy (or any cc, for that matter, bc this kind of issue with mods saying shit without checking in with ccs seems keeps happening) should have a discord server where he doesnt regularly check that mods aren't doing shit without his permission like this, or at least someone he trusts needs to be checking. the fact that he says "it's common for things to go without my say" is concerning and does kind of, imo, mean he has to take some blame for stuff like this even if he isnt involved bc it's his server which, whether he likes it or not, needs to be kept a safe space for all its users which does means he needs to be active enough to catch shit like this before it spirals into a bigger issue. otherwise, like i said, i cant accept this apology, so you should definetly go out and try to find some systems who've posted their feelings on it!! and if any of my oomfs in systems wanna chime in on this, feel free!!

anyways, sorry if this is a bit confusing to read, im very scatterbrained tonight (unfortunately :< ) but hopefully this ramble is helpful? useful? entertaining? idk. thanks for the ask tho!! <3

[graciesinclair81]

CHAPTER FOUR: THE UNIMAGINABLE

A/N HELLLOOO HERES ANOTHER UPDATE! ALSO VERY LONG. BUT HEADS UP, TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER.

*SUICIDE*

AGAIN, IT IS MENTIONED BUT NOT DESCRIBED.

BO'S POV

When I arrive at my destination, I can hear some music playing, some good ol Fleetwood Mac. I also hear someone singing a high pitched version of "Dreams."Sure enough, I see Lester screaming the lyrics all wrong and dancing around while Mr. Barry worked on the hood of a truck with his son. they wave at me and I wave back. I smile a bit at the kid's antics, I would've laughed if I hadn't had that infuriating and humiliating encounter with the old harpie.

Lester turns and smiles widely when he sees me, running over and wrapping his small arms around my waist. Now usually i can't stand being touched and to touch, but I make exceptions sometimes for my brothers and the few people I trust, especially lester who doesn't know any better. How could he? He's never experienced physical discipline from my parents. He was always spoiled with hugs and kisses, and the townfolk already shun him enough for me to push him away too.

"Hiya Bo! Is momma okay now?" He looks up at me hopefully. I bite my lip. I don't like sugarcoating things, I can't be like, "ma is gonna die soon" to a four year old. I crouch down to be at Lester's eye level

" She's doin' alright for now, she's sleepin'. But she's still sick. That's why it's better we don't bother her none." He frowns.

" But why?? Why does she gotta be sick all the time? And why does pa and Vinny get ta be with her? And not us too?" I sigh.

"Well pa needs Vince to help calm ma down so's pa can give ma her medicine."

"But can't pa just fix ma like he fixed you and Vinny?"

I shake my head sadly. "Sorry bud, but ma can't be fixed. It's different."

" It's not fair! It ain't! I want her to get better!! I love her!" Lester sobs. I Wrap my arms around his tiny shaking shoulders. I sit down and he clings to me, sobbing into my neck. Despite my best efforts not to, I start crying silently as I hold my little brother, wishing that our momma could get better, cause despite everything she was still my momma. And...crazy as it sounds, I still care about her too.

****

Unfortunately, I was right. Momma passed away a few days after what would be her last episode. Vincent was the one who had found out first when he had gone to give her breakfast this morning. I was still in my room asleep when he came in carrying Lester after he'd told pa. I was woken up by Lester's sobs. I'd sat up groggily wondering why in the tarnation they were in my room so early when I hear Lester sob that ma was dead. Everything became a blur after that, and suddenly I find myself in our church, walking slowly behind my brother towards the coffin that held my lifeless mother.

But before I even make it to the casket, the whispers and usual insults of the people there are too much for me, plus seeing the sight of my crying father and brothers made me snap.Gasps of shock fill my ears momentarily as I bolt out of the chapel and run away, not looking back. I run, wishing I could outrun my tears, outrun my feelings. I don't stop running, even when my legs start hurting and my lungs feel like they would explode.

I eventually make it to my house, and I go to where my bike was. I rip off my suit, leaving myself shirtless. I wasn't thinking about anything, just that I want to get out of this damn town. Away from all the pain and hurt. I can't handle it anymore. I just cant. I pedal down the hill and out to the road that leads into ambrose from the main highway. It's a long dusty road. By the time I'm almost out to the highway, I hear a car behind me.

I glance over as the car comes up beside me, and recognize it immediately. I slow to a stop at the edge of the road and Julieta pulls over behind.

"Bo Sinclair. What on earth do you think you're doing?" Julieta scolds as she gets out of her husband's car.

"I'm sorry Julie, but.... I...I have to runaway. Besides, nobody cares. They'll be mighty glad one of the freaks are gone." I sniff, angrily wiping at the nonstop river of tears that embarrassingly flowed down my face and stopped up my nose.

"Boy, if you think that imma let you disappear like this you got anotha thing comnin'" she sasses, putting her hands on her hips.

I sigh. "I don't belong there. Everyone knows it You knows it and I knows it."

"Oh, Hun." She tsks sadly and walks closer to me. She holds out her arms, offering a hug but also giving me a choice to decline. I debate for a moment and drop my bike and walk to her, closing the space between us. I wrap my arms around her and she does the same. She's a foot taller than me, so she bends a little and rests her chin on my back.

I sob into her shoulder, clinging to her the way Lester had clung to me a few days ago.

"I'm so terribly sorry, Bo. For everything that has happened. You and your brothers deserve better." She says tentatively, rubbing my back comfortingly. Julieta is only seven years older than me, but she's always been like a mother and older sister to me and my siblings. She always knew how to make us laugh or calm us down or comfort us in times of need.

I feel extreme guilt as I think about how I was gonna leave her behind along her family and my own brothers. They did care about me. They deserved better from me than to run off and forget about them. Another fresh wave of tears came back.

" I-Im S-so s-sorry." I sob.

"It's okay darlin, I know, I know. You're just a kid, you've been through so much crap you shouldn't have to be goin through. You should be playing with your friends and getting into trouble for stealin candy or ditching school. Not all this mess. Not all this hurt." She sighs.

"Tell ya what. You come back home with me, and you, Vinny and little Lester can meet the baby, and spend a few nights over, I think your pa is gonna need some alone time." She says.

I pull away a bit. "That sounds nice, actually." I sniffle again. She smiles warmly at me and kisses the top of my hair before letting me go. I pick up my bike and she helps me get it into the trunk. I get in the backseat and she gets into the driver's seat

Maybe I'll runaway when I'm older....

*******

When we arrived at ambrose, it was late afternoon. Julieta parks her car in the garage and we get out the car. Julieta's parents and Jacob were in the front porch sitting in rocking chairs. I wonder where my brothers are. Jacob stands up with the baby in his arms when he sees us."Hey, glad you came back, pal." He pats my shoulder with one free hand.

"He knows he can't abandon us. He loves us too much." Julieta says ruffling my hair, making me smile a bit.

"Ven aquí mi niño." (Come here,my child) Julieta's mother says softly, motioning for me to walk over to her. I oblige and she grabs hold of my hands. I'm uncomfortable with it even though her touch is as gentle as a butterflies wings, but since she's one of the people i do trust, I allow it.

"You may think you're all alone and nobody loves you, but we do. You and your brothers belong to us just as much as baby Gracie over there." She says in her accented English, looking over at where Julieta was sitting next to her husband and nursing her daughter. She and Jacob nod and smile in agreement.

"Now, no matter what anyone may say to you, even your own momma and poppa, you are worth of love and you are important." She touches my chin and looks straight into my eyes. "Understand?" I nod.

"Yes ma'am."

She gives me a warm hug and smile. Which I return. Julieta's father gives me a smile and nod. He was a quiet man, but every bit as kind as the rest of his family. And full of wisdom and life advice whenever he did talk.

"Bo, would you like to hold the baby now?" Julieta asks. I smile a bit and nod. "Okay you can sit down here." She says getting up from her chair. I sit, and she gently places the baby girl in my arms. The baby was sleeping but when she was set in my arms, she opened her eyes.

She stares back at me, and actually smiles. I look up at Julieta,who saw the gesture as well.

"Doctors say babies are too young to smile, talkin' 'bout how it's gas and all these high faultin' words and stuff. They don't fool me though. I knows a smile when I sees one, and that right there was a honest-to-goodness smile right ther'.yesireee." She says, taking a seat on Jacobs lap across from me. He nods in agreement with His wife's words.

"Indeed, and if ya ask me, it's a sign of good luck and baby talk for "I think you're swell." He says with a grin and wink.

I chuckle at their words and continue staring at the baby. She smelled the way Lester smelled when he was born, only better haha. She had less hair than he did. She was almost bald. Made her head look like a shiny bowling ball. She has a little mark that looked like a heart, and I think it's the cutest thing ever.

I stay holding baby Gracie for some time, cuddling her made me feel like everything was okay. Even though it wasn't. She made me forget about the bad feelings I'd felt earlier today, and before that. Even when I held my finger for her to hold and I could see my hideous reddish purple scars on my wrists I didn't feel anger or sadness about them. Maybe when I grow up, I can get married and have babies of my own to keep forever.

"Where are Vincent and Lester?" I ask after a while.

"They're sleepin' in the livin' room." Jacob replies. Juliet had her eyes closed and her head sways a bit.

"Jules, let's get you to bed too. You're exhausted. Remember what the doctor said you need as much rest as possible." He says softly. Julieta shakes her head slowly.

"No no, I'm fine... just restin my eyes, is all." She mumbled. We all chuckle. She sounds like she's drunk. But everyone knows that no one in this family drinks alcohol or even coffee. They don't smoke, either. One of the reasons they were disdained by my father. He thought they were the freaks. Even more than me.

Just then, the screen door to the porch opens, revealing Vincent, his longish hair looking like a tornado hit it. He looks around and walks quickly to me. He then puts his hand on my hair.

"You're...home." He says. The way he spoke wasn't upset, just relieved. I nod.

"I'm real sorry 'bout leavin' y'all. I really am." I say looking at him.

He touches my face, a gesture he did when he wanted comfort or when he comforted me. He would only do it to me, ma used ta say it's cause that's what he would do when we were still babies and not separated. It didn't bother me at all and it felt nice, when he did it. Not with anyone else.

" Since you guys are gonna spend some time over, maybe you should get some of y'all's things." Mrs Rodriguez suggests. I give the baby to her since Julieta was still "restin her eyes". Vincent and I walk to our house.

"Momma... loved...you." Vincent says after a few minutes of us walking silently. I glance at him.

"That a fact?"I say sarcastically and sigh."I'm sorry...that was mean. But yeah, guess you're right...kinda." I jam my hands into my pockets as we walk. Vincent nods understandingly.

"We'll...be...okay...promise." he says softly putting his arm around me and touching his forehead to mine. It's another gesture he has. We make it to our front door. The door is unlocked. Inside, all the lights were off.

"Wonder if pa's home." I mutter, heading upstairs where all our bedrooms are. Maybe He's sleeping, since he usually has music on when he's not watching TV. says it helps him stay calm. Vincent follows behind as we check ma and pa's room down the hall. It was empty, so we go back and check his mini office, which we weren't really allowed to go in unless we had permission.

I still have the scars from the time I'd gone in looking for Vincent during a game of hide and seek. A chill runs down my spine as we open the door a bit.

"Poppa? Ya in here?" I call out. Vincent turns on the light.

"TURN THAT DAMN LIGHT OFF AND GET OUT, NOW!" his booming voice shatters the silence, making us jump a mile. We quickly slam the door shut, but decide to risk it and reopen it and turn the light back on.

"But pa, you need to- Poppa!!! DONT!!" I scream in pure horror and rush to him, but it's too late.

Narrator's pov:

A single shot is fired.

A/N: I HONESTLY FELT MY HEART BREAK WHILE WRITING THIS CHAPTER. MY HEART IS STILL BEATING FAST FROM THE ENDING, I FEEL SO BAD ABOUT ALL THIS SADNESS AND PAIN THIS FAMILY WENT THROUGH. I WAS ORIGINALLY PLANNING ON BEING A BIT MORE GRAPHIC BUT NONE OF US NEED THAT. IF ANY OF YOU EVER FEEL LIKE TALKING TO SOMEONE IM HERE FOR YOU, I KNOW WHY IT'S LIKE TO NOT WANT TO LIVE AND I DONT WANT ANYONE TO GO THROUGH THAT PAIN. ITS NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN GET OVER COMPLETELY, BUT LEARN HOW TO GET BETTER FROM IT. LOVE YALL!! THANKS FOR READING!!

c

[huntertherapyeras]

all -5's please!

thanks for asking anon! before y'all continue reading this, i want to warn y'all that it gets heavy at points, as aster lore often does. i put warnings before each triggering topic followed by dots in case you want to avoid reading those responses! happy learning 💜

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

cans all the way!!! super cold soda cans have the best carbonation... soda bottles go next! i find once you've poured the soda into any sort of cup a lot of the carbonation goes away with it and i dont like that >:(

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

bold of you to assume my dyspraxic ass was good at anything during pe. i have very little upper body strength (even after years of gymnastics conditioning trying to build it up), and i couldn't catch or throw a ball until i was like 15 bc my shoulders like to dislocate whenever i use them djnnfnn. also didnt realize until i was an adult that my eyes have totally different prescriptions so my depth perception was garbage the first 20 years of my life which is probably why my left eye is lazy now 😭

but once high school hit and i was able to do gymnastics for all my pe credits thru my homeschool program i did great! lmao

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

ok i know ayn rand is disgusting but anthem kind of changed my life when i first read it. id never seen a writing style like that before and i honestly think it influenced my own writing style a lot!!!!

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

on my laptop! i cant handwrite anymore after my arm injury and writing was already pretty hard before that bc my fine motor skills.... are not so good. learning to type opened up a whole new world for me, im a pro at it now!

25. first song you remember hearing?

is it super weird if i say "a cruel angel's thesis", the neon genesis evangelion theme song? one of my first memories is hearing that song and watching that anime. i was probably like three? Thats Not For Children Mom. but i mean. i guess i turned out ok (lmao) so its FINE!

30. places that you find sacred?

empty beaches. especially when its a little cold out. the ocean seems to stretch endlessly and you can feel the sand between your toes and everything is so quiet and loud at the same time. and then the sun goes down and the tide rises and you're just a little convinced its gonna swallow you right up. you feel so small.

the louisiana bayou at night. it feels like you shouldn't be there. there are spirits roaming the streets. one day when i being babysat at my mom's friend's house i looked out the window and saw a pair of glowing red eyes. i'm not sure if anyone believed me.

35. average time you fall asleep?

that is a LOADED question lol! my sleeping schedule is so weird bc im just now being treated for bipolar after years of being in denial about it and i have a delayed sleep phase + severe sleep apnea. so uhhh. really depends. but when i just follow what my body wants and don't worry about responsibilities i usually pass out around 3/4 am and wake up around 3-5 pm.

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

drugs m, pregnancy loss m

.

.

.

.

when i was 12 i nearly skipped another grade and went straight to high school instead of grade 8. i would have stuck with it too, but i was being bullied really heavily at my school (partially bc i was considered a prodigy i guess). it was a small alternative school that encouraged weed smoking. i once found a bud on a desk and everyone tried to act like i wouldnt know what it was even though my mom grew weed medically when i was growing up and supplied like. the entire midwest or whatever. but i went along with it because i didn't want to put a target on us. *shrugs* middle school was hard for me lol. i eventually left the school because the principal mentioned my mom's recent miscarriage in front of everyone. between that and the bullying i just couldn't deal anymore i guess.

the school ended up being closed a year later because of shady stuff. my mom and i kinda saw it as karma i guess

sorry! that story is kind of a bummer!

.

.

.

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

ohhhh i think... i think i love science fiction and fantasy equally! especially stuff that weaves the two together, so like science fiction with fantasy elements or fantasy with science fiction explanations! superhero stuff is great too ofc!

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

😳 i dont... remember .... djdnfn my memory is mostly blank spaces tbh..but recently! fandom shitposts i think!

55. favorite fairy tale?

rapunzel hits hard. also the little mermaid.... yeah

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

oh defs slice of life! but like... a slice of life that romanticizes the mundane 💜 there's so much beauty in normal things. ive had such a strange life that i kind of cling to it i think

65. any permanent scars?

a facet of my ehlers danlos syndrome is that i scar easily, and that the scarring is often abnormal and extensive. pretty much every open wound i have ever had has left a scar on me.

the biggest ones i can list: (tw for abuse mentioned, an allusion to self harm (im ok now))

.

.

.

.

the discoloration on my right foot from stepping into a pot of boiling water when i was an infant

the gouge on my knee when i fell on it walking when i was 4

the eye shaped scar i have on my right hand from touching a lightbulb when i was 8 (idk what i expected lol)

the place where my bone chipped when i fell out of a tree house when i was 11/12

another gouge on the same knee from falling between the tumble track and the floor when i was 13

the four inch long and inch 1/2 wide flat keloid on my left arm that i have from the surgery to repair my broken arm from where they inserted a titanium plate and screws when i was 15 and the inch long keloid i have from where they tried to insert a rod instead (bone was too misshapen, they did surgery too late)

various scars that i dont wanna say where they came from, but im extremely mentally ill so u can probably guess

the keloid i have on my right arm from my mom biting me when i was 17

another burn mark on my right arm from dropping a glass jar of queso hot from the microwave (again, idk what i expected -_-)

.

.

.

.

70. left or right handed?

left handed! but i can use my right for most thinks since my left never fully regained function. i still hold a needle and write with my left hand but everything else i can now do with my right!

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

i mean. i must've been six? i remember my mom kept all my baby teeth in a little unicorn resin jar. i wonder if she still has it 🤔

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

jewel tones!!!! i live for glamour 💕

85. fairy tales or mythology?

mythology!!!! love fairy tales, but theres just something about things people have Believed in. its so special to me. so sacred.

90. luckiest mistake?

something really scary happened last year and the police got involved. i was determined to not be at fault, but im so lucky that no one got hurt and that the person who could have blamed me was on my side and advocated for me 🥺💜

95. favorite app on your phone?

mmmm probably either Hellsite (affectionate) or picsart. i love picsart so much. MEME EDITING??? ON MY PHONE... immaculate

so sorry this got so heavy at points x.x

[spencers-dria]

Maybe, Just Maybe

Someone To Stay Ch. 5

Spencer x Fem reader

Content/Trigger warnings: a little bit of body image issues

Spencer POV:

It's been a few days since I hung out with Y/N. I'm truly glad she was the one I got to go with. I feel like we might have a lot in common, and she's easy to be around. For a little while, I almost forgot about everything that happened...about her. The next day the thoughts came sinking slowly back in, but they don't feel as debilitating as they used to. Maybe Derek was right, getting out, being around people, it may not be easy for me but it may be what's best. Maybe I should try to get out of my comfort zone a little. I want to get better, I do. But being social, well it's never been my strong suit, and to try to do it now, when I feel so emotionally vulnerable, it's particularly difficult.

Other than the dinner at Rossi's, my friends haven't been inviting me out as much as they used to. I'm pretty sure they got tired of the inevitable rejection. I want them to see that I'm trying, that I want to do better, to get better. Maybe if I reach out first...

I grab my phone to call JJ. She's like a sister to me, and she's been the best at trying to understand what I've been going through.

"Hey, Spence!" She sounds surprised but glad to hear from me.

"Hey, I was uhh.. well I was just wondering..." my words trail off as I find myself suddenly losing confidence in my endeavor.

"Yeah, what's up?" Her voice has a calming effect on me.

"Well...I was wondering if the team had any plans this weekend? To hang out or...I don't know."

"Actually we don't. But we should! I think I have an idea. There's something I've been wanting us all to do. There's a Lakehouse up for rent, and I think it would be fun if we all went up for a weekend. What do you think?"

I'm not very into outdoor activities, but the idea of reading on a porch by the lake sounds incredibly calming and therapeutic. It also sounds like a good time for me to start hanging out with the team again.

"You know, that actually sounds perfect." I smile at the thought of the much needed weekend getaway.

"Perfect! I'll text the group! Thanks for giving me the nudge to set this up, Spence. It'll be fun."

I hang up and shortly after I hear the familiar ding from the group message chat.

BAU Baddies😎

JJ💖: Hey guys! Who would be down for renting a Lakehouse this next weekend?

DM🍫⚡️: Hell yeah! @ahotchner you know what that means?? Jet Skis baby!! 😜🤙🏻

AB🌹: How fun! Count me in.

DR🇮🇹: I'll cook! I have a new recipe we can try out. I think you'll all love it👌🏻

PG🦄👸🏼: @jjereau @ablake We HAVE to go swimsuit shopping first, ladies! This is a non-negotiable.

AH: Sounds fun, are we bringing the kids this time?

JJ💖: Actually, Will is staying home and he'll be watching Henry. Jack can spend the weekend there, if you'd like. @ahotchner

AH: Thanks. I think I'll take you up on that offer.

DM🍫⚡️: @sreid you better be coming pretty boy, just bring a couple dozen books and you'll be set.

SR♟: Yep, already packing.

I smile to myself, thinking of how for once, I'm the reason we have plans. But if anyone else knew that, I'd never hear the end of it. I knew JJ was being intentional when she didn't mention that to the group. I hear another group chat alert and glance at my phone.

BAU Baddies😎

JJ💖: Hey, is it alright if I invite Y/N again?

AB🌹: Oh I thought that was a given! You definitely need to! She fits in with us so well.

PG🦄👸🏼: You better! Or I won't let you hear the end of it 😂

JJ💖: Great! Thanks you guys, it means a lot that you've been so welcoming to her.

Y/N will be there. Maybe I'll have a friend who will hang back and read with me. It would be nice to not be the only one. Then I remember what she said about moving here because she loves the outdoors. That means she'll probably be hanging out with Derek, JJ, and whoever else. Oh well. At least maybe I'll get to talk to her more. I decide to text her. I never really text anyone, but she doesn't know that.

Y/N

Hey, it's Spencer. I heard JJ

wanted to invite you to the lake.

Do you think you'll go?

Yeah! I just got off the phone

with her. I can't wait! Are you

going?

Surprisingly...yes. I'll be bringing

some books along to pass the time

but it'll be nice to have a change

of scenery.

Books??? We'll see about that😉

I love a good book as much as the

next bibliophile...but this is a

weekend for things you CANT

do at home. Anyways, would you

want to carpool? We can take turns

driving if one of us gets tired.

Passenger is in control of snacks

and music! 🎶🍿

Haha, ok deal. We'll work out

the details later. And...thanks :)

Anytime Spencer, can't wait! 👍🏻

I lean back into the couch and smile. Even if we spend the weekend doing different things, at least we'll get to talk on the way there. I feel like she could become a good friend, but I don't want to make any assumptions...I don't do this often.

Y/N POV:

You run around your room, packing for a trip that's days away. You're too excited, it can't wait. Just as you're trying to decide on a swimsuit you get a text from Penelope, saying that the girls are going swimsuit shopping this evening. They want you to come. You can't hide the smile growing on your face. How long has it been since you've been on a girls shopping trip? You can't even remember. It's spontaneous, so you assume no one will be too dressed up. You throw on a black sleeveless t shirt dress and some strappy sandals. Easy enough to get in and out of for trying on clothes. After brushing through your hair and applying some quick, light makeup, you're ready to go. The girls had decided to meet at the mall, for the most options.

You meet up with Aunt JJ, Penelope, and Alex outside of a nice department store.

"I figured we could start here. It has the most options and it's at the end of the mall. So we can work our way down, until we all find something."

Aunt JJ tends to take charge. She's such a mom, but that's part of what you love about her. Always prepared, caring for everyone. Alex found a cute one piece with a wrap to wear as a skirt. Penelope picked out a cute pink and purple polka-dotted swim dress. JJ ended up with a sports-bra fitting bikini top and some athletic looking swim shorts. Still such a typical mom. The only one left is you. You haven't tried on very many things, and what you did try on, never made it out of the dressing room.

"Y/N, why don't you let us pick you out some things to try on, and this time, you have to at least let us see. Deal?" Penelope gives you a look of encouragement.

"Sure" you shrug. "I'll try anything at this point."

Alex stays with you while JJ and Penny go to pick out some swimsuits for you. They return with a few handfuls of options. You try on the first option, picked out by Penny. It's a cute two piece, frilly and pink. You come out and are greeted with a few giggles.

"As cute as this is, I think it's more your style than mine, Penny" you let out a small laugh.

"Oh I know. I just wanted to see you in it! I couldn't pull it off in a thousand years!" She laughs.

"Alright alright, let's keep going." JJ ushers me back into the dressing room.

I come back out in a black two piece. It doesn't show too much skin to make me uncomfortable, but it's really flattering on my curves.

I hear a chorus of "ooooo" and one "yes queen!" that I'm sure came from Penny.

"Really, you guys? It's not too...ya know."

JJ shakes her head at me. "No definitely not. Girl, you're single, you're in your twenties, your body hasn't had a child yet. If you got it, flaunt it. If not now, then when?"

The girls all nod in agreement. You blush. You didn't know you could look this good in a swimsuit. You usually avoided bikinis. You found it hard to feel comfortable in your own skin. Whenever you tried to dress sexy, you just ended up feeling awkward and uncomfortable. It helps to have some friends to encourage you. You look at yourself in the mirror one last time. Okay, even you had to admit, you look hot.

The four of you end the day with lunch, chatting about your plans for the lake.

JJ turns to you. "Y/N, I almost forgot, do you need a ride down there? I can pick you up, if you'd like."

"Ohh uh, no actually. I'm carpooling with Spencer." I give her a shy smile. I know what this looks like. "We're just friends" I quickly interject.

"That's great" she says, giving me her warm smile. "Spence really needs a friend right now. And I bet you do too." There's understanding in her eyes. You're grateful that she didn't try to make more out of it. Aunt JJ knows you, though. She knows you make guy friends much more easily. That aside, you were still so grateful for the day with the girls. They were all so genuine, and easy to get along with. They didn't make you feel like an outsider intruding on their day.

Later that evening, you lay in bed as you try to quiet your mind. Your head is swimming with too many thoughts to fall asleep: anxieties about this weekend, but also excitement and ideas of what you'll do. Not to mention, more time to get to know Spencer better. You wonder what JJ meant when she said Spencer really needed a friend right now. Maybe, just maybe, you'd break through his walls a little more this weekend.

A/N: sorry this one is short-ish. It's kind of a transition chapter so there's not as much content! Building a base, building friendships, hang with me, we're getting there 😁💖✌🏻

[msjr0119]

The Unexpected Roommate

Part 5

Book: The Royal Romance

Pairings: Drake Walker x Riley Brooks, Leo Rhys x Olivia Nevrakis - All characters belong to Pixelberry

Song Inspiration: Perfect Strangers, Jonas Blue

Warnings ⚠️ DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNDER 18, If you choose to read you are consenting that you are over this age. NSFW, adult language, mention of shooting noise. If these trigger warnings affect you, please don’t continue to read.

Word Count: 3,900 ish

Tags:

@pedudley @kacie-0156 @loveellamae @annekebbphotography @burnsoslow @ladyangel70 @kingliam2019 @bascmve01 @texaskitten30 @i-bloody-love-drake-walker @kimmiedoo5 @nikkis1983 @lodberg @cmestrella @hopefulmoonobject @axwalker @rafasgirl23415 @yukinagato2012 @cordonianroyalty @rainbowsinthestorm @desireepow-1986 @queenjilian @bebepac @drakewalkerisreal

****

“Are you going to sleep on the couch? Or are you going to stay with me?” Asking in a flirtatious yet gruff way- Riley paused for a slight second. Not giving him an answer straight away. Her hands roamed along his body, lost in thought. The final decision was based on the kiss that they had just shared.

“Staying.”

Smiling softly at him, that mischievous grin that she had previously wore had disappeared - now, this smile was sincere making her slightly blush. Drake was turned on before- how could he not be? But now she had agreed to stay with him, changed everything.

“What do you want me to do? Stay or leave?” Her voice was quiet, almost like a whisper- as her hands continued to touch places dangerously, yet teasingly.

“I want you to stay. I want that fake sex, to become a reality.” An intense feeling erupted inside of him the moment their lips touched again. Her lips were soft yet warm, tasting the fusion of alcohol surrounding her mouth- he felt more drunk than he was already. Feeling Riley crumble right in front of him- he continued savouring her lips. Finally pulling away, they both silently gazed at each other- both needing to confirm if the feelings were mutual. The hate that they both originally showed in their eyes, now soon changed- this moment right now they looked at each other not as roommates, not as enemies but instead as lovers even if it was only for the night. Leaning down to kiss her again, she moved her head towards the side- informing him that she wanted those kisses to be on her neck again. Rather than her lips.

Feeling her hand gently rub his cock, through his jeans- he groaned quietly but loud enough for her to hear. Drake abruptly moved her hand- standing up, his hand went towards his trousers. Riley quietly stepped forward and reached for his shirt- her fingers gently working at the buttons, unbuttoning them slowly before removing it. Standing in front of her half naked, bare chested - he took a deep breath, wondering if he was dreaming.

Coming out of his daze, he felt her fumbling around with the belt buckle before unzipping the fly. Drake managed to pull his jeans down, urgently stepping out of them. His cock, sprung up inside of his boxers- this movement seemed to immediately catch her eye, whilst Drake was slightly embarrassed. They both knew what was about to happen, but he had wished that he could control his manhood- making him not look that eager. Cursing himself mentally inside, Riley smiled softly at him. Tugging at his boxers, he removed them in one swift motion. Once off the head of his cock bounced up practically hitting him in the stomach. Natural instinct, led Riley’s hand downwards- feeling her small hand begin sliding up and down his shaft, he briefly closed his eyes, feeling more aroused with her touches. Opening them, he noticed that her sparkling baby blues were focused onto his face as she continued the movements. Drake removed her hand, not that he wanted to- but he needed to get her naked as well. It wasn’t a one man show. Caressing her cheek, she inhaled sharply- unzipping her dress, he assisted her out of it. Seeing the matching underwear, he wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold off. Feeling mesmerised her body, his brain wasn’t functioning correctly. With past partners, he just got straight into doing the deed.

“Drake? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry.” Reaching out he gently stroked her hair, before leaning in for another kiss. The kiss began softly, feeling less anxious about the situation - he unclasped her bra. With one hand around her waist, his other hand cupped one of her breasts. Beginning to caress and play with her hardened bud, she reached down stroking his erection. As they were exploring each other’s bodies the kissing became more passionate, their tongues began to fight against each other.

“Lay down on the bed, Riley.” Following his commands, his hand ran soon up her thigh- eventually parting her legs as if she was doing the splits. As he reached further up, he immediately felt the dampness surrounding her.

“You’re so wet for me already...”

“I would be if I did it to myself- you’re nothing special Drake....just like you were immediately hard just by me straddling you before.”

“Touché. I assume you don’t want me to continue then? I was going to spoil you with my mouth instead....” Before Riley could respond with a sarcastic comment, Drake lowered his mouth downwards- holding her breath, that soon changed the second his lips touched her clit. Placing light kisses along her slit, he then stroked it with his tongue- causing her whole body to tremble. As her body reacted to his actions, he was pleased that her could pleasure her, lapping up her flowing juices.

“Fuck... Drakeeee...” Ignoring her, he continued sucking and licking her moistened lips, pumping his tongue deeper as she continued screaming his name.

Feeling as if he had done enough, he lifted his head up- seeing Riley tightly holding on to the duvet, he smirked.

“Your turn. Get on your back, Drake!” She demanded, fluttering her eyes open after recovering from her climax.

“I don’t want anything.”

“That’s bullshit...” She quickly lay down between his legs and curled her fingers around him as she did previously- slowly she began to rub up and down his length before slipping her lips over the head of him. Continuing up and down his length, he grunted as he felt the tip of his cock reach the back of her throat. Placing his hand around the back of her neck, he guided her. Not that she needed assisting.

“Riley! Please stop!”

Sitting up, she daren’t make eye contact with him- not wanting to show the disappointment. Positioning herself on the edge of the bed, she wondered why the change of heart from him. Fuck, she muttered to herself- regretting letting herself become carried away. Deciding that it was for the best to leave the awkwardness as it was, she slowly stood up.

“Where are you going?”

“You asked me to stop. So I’m going to go and sleep on the couch...”

“I asked you to stop because I felt as if I was going to cum. I didn’t want to cum so early.” Feeling relieved in a way, she regretted allowing paranoia get the best of her. “You said that you was staying, so stay. Let’s finish off what we started...” Drake pleaded.

Guiding her backwards towards the bed her stomach began to flutter, as if butterflies were there. She was unsure as to why she was suddenly nervous. Mentally scolding herself, her nerves soon disappeared as his body hovered over her.

Leaning forward so that he was leaning on her- skin to skin- he grabbed her breasts and squeezed them. Lining himself up, he slowly thrust against her-letting her know that he was ready. “Can I?” Not knowing why he asked her if he could begin- the words just slipped out. “Please.” After her response, he slowly entered her- hearing a slight gasp escape her lips he waited a while before he started. Beginning with slow movements, he eventually gained the confidence to work faster with this new partner. His cock began slamming in and out of her, his balls slapping against her bare skin from this angle that they was in - as he continued fondling with her breasts and increase his speed- this was enough to bring her over the edge.

“Drake! I’m ... I’m....” Drake knew what exactly she needed to say, he could feel her muscles clench around him. Hearing her climax again, encouraged him to pick up the pace - needing to release himself. Not that he wanted to this soon, but this unexpected time with Riley- made him feel something that he hadn’t felt in a long time. Excitement, curiosity, in a slight way loved. Knowing she didn’t love him, he was hoping that rendezvous wouldn’t push them further apart.

Grunting, he pulled out his now softening cock and laid next to her on the bed. Neither spoke to each other for a while, both still breathing heavily. Drake’s hand covered hers, turning to face her- he smiled at his roommate. Not with a cocky smirk, that he usually provided but instead a genuine smile. A happy smile.

“Maybe I should have trusted you- when you informed me that you was big. Jesus Drake, I cant move.”

“Not to brag or anything. But I wouldn’t lie about that. You don’t have to move, you can sleep here. If it’s too awkward, I’ll sleep on the couch...”

“I don’t think it could get any more awkward. We just fucked.”

“True. Night, Riley.”

“Night, Drake.” Both of them turned on to their sides facing away from each other. Neither could fall asleep immediately, both of them laid there thinking about what had happened.

About an hour later, Drake was still awake- as was Riley, unknowingly to him. Rolling over, he placed his arm around her- snuggling closer to her.

Cause you're here with me now, I don't want you to go, he sung inside in his mind.

****

The morning after, Riley stirred. Fluttering her eyes open, she remembered everything- however, wondered where Drake was. She felt his arm go around her, so surely it didn’t feel that awkward that he slept on the couch.

Quickly getting dressed, she ambled towards the kitchen but paused as she overheard the men talking.

“So you and Riley... you can thank me. I accept appreciation in the form of beer or very expensive clothing. Just call me Matchmaker, Leo.”

“Leo, I’m not thanking you.”

“What was it like? I always assumed you’d just keep going back to Kiara when you needed sex.” Kiara? Who the fuck is Kiara? Overhearing this, Riley soon became paranoid- overthinking what she actually meant to Drake. Was last night just a ‘fuck’ to him?

“I haven’t slept with Kiara in months. With Riley it was different. But it was only a one time thing.” Saying this, he believed that Leo would stop the conversation immediately. Instead he attempted to inform Drake to shut up.

“We’re just roommates. She doesn’t like me more than that. If that. It was only sex....”

“Good morning, Riley!” Leo blurted out, wearing a sheepish grin.

“Good morning, Leo.” Ignoring Drake, she made herself a coffee. Feeling that his words explained exactly what last night was.

She fucking heard you Drake, you absolute dipshit. Leo mouthed you his friend shaking his head.

“Where’s Liv?” Focusing her attention towards Leo, she didn’t want to make eye contact with Drake. Assuming whoever this Kiara was, she would be second best.

“She left about an hour ago. Getting a manicure before meeting you.” Rolling his eyes back, he was unsure as to why his fiancée needed a manicure to go shopping. He didn’t understand how a woman’s mind worked, but just agreed anything Olivia did to keep him in her good books.

“Okay... I’ll go and get ready in my room then.”

“Do you want some breakfast?” Drake asked nervously, knowing he was in the doghouse. Walking away, she responded with her back facing him.

“No, I prefer to jump straight into my dessert.”

Sighing, he placed the food on the table- walking after her.

“Have I done something wrong?” Drake questioned, hoping that he hadn’t fucked up. Hearing Leo snort in the background, he turned his head towards his friend scowling. Leo responded by smirking and shrugging his shoulders.

“No. Why?”

“You overheard what I said... stop lying. That’s why you ignored me. It’s not like that at all, I said that....”

“I heard it all. Yes. Don’t worry about it. We’re not in a relationship. It was just sex remember? Sounds like you have a ‘fuck buddy’ already- don’t include me in your games or sexual needs anymore.”

“I’d rather you be my ‘fuck buddy’.” Fuck. I didn’t mean for it to come out that way. Taking a deep breath, he regretted saying that instantly. He was kind of expecting a right hook. “What happened between us was amazing, Riley.”

“Yeah it was.” Not sounding too confident she didn’t want to make out that she was jealous over him being involved with someone else. Whether it was in the past, or in the present. Reaching out for her hand, he held it tightly not knowing how she would react to the gesture.

“So what do you say? Make a little arrangement? If you want ‘us’, we can start as casual sex- then see where it goes?”

“You’re fucking insane, Drake. Go back to hating me.”

“I’d say I’m an attractive guy, you’re a gorgeous girl when you’re not an arsehole.”

“You’re so vein. I do have a rule, if we do this though...No kissing on the lips.”

“But we did that last night. Why?”

“That was this morning actually. Because if we aren’t in a relationship, what’s the point in being intimate?” Drake’s heart sunk, not realising why. Now he had kissed her, knowing what it felt like- he wanted to continue that.

“Okay, fine. I’ll see you later then?” I’ll kiss those lips, don’t you worry Riley.

“Yup. Bye Leo.” Leo waved from a distance, not really wanting to get involved in the love life.

“Ri?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry for being a jerk... I’m starting to fall...” Fall for you. “fall behind with the housework. I’m only going into work for a few hours. I’ll clean up when I’m back.”

“Wait for me to come back. I’ll help you. 50/50 remember. My nails are fucked anyway.” Providing a little laugh, she headed towards her room- not fully aware of what she had just agreed to. Not knowing if that was actually what she wanted. Deep down, she wanted more after their night together. She wondered if he did too. Or if indeed he was just happy with the friends with benefits arrangement.

Drake sat down besides Leo, his head fell into his hands. This girl had got into his mind, he suggested the ‘friends with benefits’ hoping that she would decline the offer. Hoping that they could begin a relationship instead. He just didn’t have the confidence to express what his heart truly wanted - she made him weak at the knees. Although he would never confess that. Not yet anyway. He was unsure as to if he would ever be able to admit to his true feelings.

“Now I may not be a translator, but that was the biggest bullshit ever stated, Drake” Leo knew Drake and he knew for a fact what his friend meant when he stuttered after the word ‘falling’.

****

Riley arrived at Macy’s bang on eleven am. Usually she would arrive early, punctuality was important to her. On her way there, her mind was in a daze- flashbacks of her rendezvous with Drake wouldn’t disappear.

Noticing her friend waiting outside, she knew Olivia was about to berate her.

“I thought that you’d ditched me for Walker’s cock.” Feeling the blush appear on her face, she didn’t want this conversation to elaborate.

“Not now, Liv.”

“Seriously, Riley. Why him?”

“He’s a good fuck, I suppose?” Olivia shuddered at the thought. Not wanting to think about her arch-enemy any longer, she changed the subject. “You know, Liam is coming back for the wedding.”

“Well I hope so, he’s the grooms brother.” She responded sarcastically- just wishing that they could go inside, choose a dress and leave.

“Obviously. But he’s single.” Nudging her friend, she would do anything to see her happy- anything apart from push her towards Drake.

”Olivia. Stop right there. I’m not interested in Liam. I never was.”

****

After hours of searching through the dresses, Olivia finally chose the perfect dress for her maid of honour. Riley was grateful that the bride to be hadn’t made her look like a sugar plum fairy. Making her way back ‘home’ she wondered if the atmosphere would be awkward. In the back of her mind, she still wasn’t sure what was going on between herself and Drake. Opening the door, she witnessed him shoot up from the sofa in a flash.

“Hey, did you find a dress?”

“Yes. It was the first one we actually looked at. Hours of my life wasted. How was your suit fitting?” Bending over to take her slightly small high heeled boots off, Drake paused before responding to her question. His eyes were focused on her ass. “Did you hear me, Drake?” Shaking his head, he didn’t want her to notice that he was gawking at her like a drooling puppy.

“Yeah, sorry. Suits are overrated. A suit is just a suit right? I’ve got a hundred in the wardrobe that I don’t wear.”

“True. You’ve tidied up. I told you to wait until I was back.”

“I had nothing better to do. I’ve also ordered some food.”

“Where’s the real Drake? You’re turning into a softie, I’m going to start calling you ‘marshmallow’ from now on.”

“Haha. Funny fucker. Where’s the real Riley? You haven’t done a prank yet.” That’s what you think. I always think ahead.

“Why don’t you pour yourself a whiskey. I’ll get changed, put this away and come and join you.” Smirking as she walked away, she didn’t get too far before hearing Drake spit out the drink.

“RILEY!” Chasing after her, she slammed the door in his face- accidentally of course. “Open the door!”

“Or what? I’ll come out in a minute I promise.” Drake waited impatiently for her to come out, eventually she opened the door wearing the biggest grin. “Don’t kill me. Please. Just stand on the rug.” Why the fucking rug? Fluttering her eyelashes at him- he was hypnotised and followed orders.

“Holy shit! Riley get down!” Crouching down, panic began to run through his veins- not only for his own safety but for Riley’s. The gunshot noises scared the life out of him, wondering who was in the apartment with them. How did they get in? What did they want?

Looking at his concerned face, she walked over towards him pulling the rug back- showing the reasoning behind the ‘gunshot shots’. Bubble wrap. Unable to prevent herself from laughing, every time she contained herself- his face would make her burst out into a fit of hysterical laughter. “I’m sorry, Drake... I can’t.... I can’t breathe.... your face....”

“Are you trying to fucking kill me? First you drug me, then try to poison me with fake whiskey- What was it? Then you try and give me a fucking heart attack.”

“Technically Olivia drugged you. It’s tea with vinegar in it- couldn’t you smell it? It was worth seeing your face...”

“How would you pay the bills if I died? Ever thought about that?”

“Simple. I’d move out. Leave your body to rot. Plead innocent. By the way, the real whiskey is in the cupboard- behind the cereal.”

“If you’re fucking with me again... I’ll kill ya.” Hesitating trying it, he sniffed it first. “Here, try it first.” Riley did as he asked, swallowed it down in one.

“See it’s whiskey.” Drake narrowed his eyes still unsure if he could trust her fully. They remained silent for a short amount of time, until Drake decided to break the silence with an obscure question. Not the usual type of conversations.

“What are you wearing under that by the way?”

“What time is the food coming?”

“In about an hour because I wasn’t sure what time you was coming back. Why are you ignoring my question?”

“I’m not ignoring it. If you want to know, why don’t you just undo my robe.” Drake held his breath as he closed the distance between them. He noticed her breathing rapidly increase as he touched her. Untying it, his hands went to her shoulders- forcing the robe off of her.

“You’re wearing what I bought you.”

“Do you like it?”

“I love it. You look sexy... so fucking gorgeous.”

“Are you fishing for a blowjob with your charm?”

“No. But if you want to do that I’m sure he’d enjoy it. Or I could pleasure you instead?” Leaning forward, in his mind he wanted to fuck off her stupid suggestion about ‘no kissing’. Their lips almost touched, as there was a knock at the door. Drake let out a frustrated sigh, letting go of her waist he answered the door, as she quickly put the robe back on. Their takeout had arrived prematurely, handing the delivery man the money- Drake forcefully placed the food on the island. “Can you not tell the time properly? I thought you said that it was arriving in about an hour. I think you need to go back to school Drake.” Winking at him, she was about to position herself on the stool- her belly had began to rumble, the aroma of freshly cooked food was lingering around them. Unexpectedly Drake picked her up and flung her over his shoulder- heading towards his room. “Drake! What the fuck? The food!”

“Chinese is always better warmed up the day after anyway!” Placing her back on the ground he held her tight- not wanting her to runaway. Not wanting for her to ditch him for some over fried, fatty food. He knew what he wanted. Ever since he knew what she was wearing, everything slipped from his mind. Opening the door, he dragged her in- not forcefully. Pinning her against the wall, his hands urgently ran through her hair before cupping her cheeks. Crashing his lips on to hers, mentally he was smirking as she melted away in the kiss.

“I said no kissing....”

“I get it. You’re afraid you won’t be able to keep your hands off me. If we kiss. But we’ve already crossed that line...you shouldn’t tease me...”

“How am I teasing you?”

“Wearing what you are wearing...” biting her lip, she untied the robe- slowly yet seductively.

“Oh, you mean this?”

“Yes. That. I want you, Riley. So desperately...”

“What are you waiting for then? We had an arrangement didn’t we?” Drake held her head in his hands, pulling her towards him into a fiery and passionate kiss. Breaking apart, their breathing was in unison- rapid. Caressing her cheek with his thumb, she ran her fingers down his chest before pulling his as close as she could towards her. Not leaving any gaps between the two of them, she could feel his heart beat against her chest. Knowing that he could feel hers too, they stayed still gazing into each other’s eyes. “That arrangement, I am going to stick to it. Get on the bed, roomie.”

****

Leo and Olivia had just shared an intimate shower together. Relaxing on the couch they were both excited about their upcoming wedding. Discussing last minute preparations, Leo couldn’t wait for it to be over and done with- he hated seeing Olivia act all bridezilla towards him. Hearing the door knock, they both placed a wager- assuming it would be either Drake or Riley crying and moaning about each other. Making the other person seem the worse one. The two of them knew that Riley and Drake was alike- especially with their stubbornness. Leo sighed as he walked over to open the door, with a towel hanging dangerously loose on his hips.

“Before you start, I don’t want to hear it... I’m not getting blamed for this....Liam?”

“Hey, Bro. I assume you wasn’t expecting me with that introduction. Who have you pissed off this time?”

“I assumed you was somebody else. Sorry, I’ve not pissed anyone off. Don’t worry. What are you doing here? You’re not due back until the wedding.”

“I’ve used some holiday days.” Olivia heard the familiar voice, confused as to why he was here showering them with gifts. What has he done now? She thought to herself.

“Aw Liam, I didn’t realise that you loved me that much. These flowers are beautiful.”

“They aren’t for you. But I’ll get my favourite sister in law some soon. I promise.” Olivia was unsure whether or not to be offended that the flowers wasn’t for her. After all the Rhys’s were charmers with all the women.

“Who are they for then?” Seeing Liam look at them with sorrow in his eyes, the penny finally dropped.

“That person, doesn’t live in the city anymore.” She send confidently, attempting to persuade herself that she was telling the truth.

“I know she does Olivia. Stop lying to me. I need to see her, I need to talk to her. Where’s Riley?”

[chlodani]

This is Special Edition part 8. . .

I hope you guys like this. I wasn't gonna write it this way, but it was an idea that came to my head and I thought it was a good one.

The Beginning of Part 8. . .

This is a brand new smau that I'm writing. Its actually my first. It's a Zuko x F!Reader pairing.

Trigger warning! If you're sensitive to things like car accidents and hospitals I'm warning you ahead of time. Read at your own risk. . .

Zuko is getting tired of his relationship with Mai. He feels it's not exactly enough, and he wants more. Though he doesn't know what. He seems to have a certain attraction to his best friend Y/N, but is too stubborn and grumpy to tell her or really talk about it at all. She likes him, but is too afraid to say anything because of his relationship with Mai. Though could things take an unexpected turn for Zuko and Y/N when something happens to her and he's afraid of losing her. . .

Special Edition Part 8

Toph's P.O.V.

I held onto Sokka's arm as we followed Sapphire to Y/n's room. I dont think I'm ready to be in a room with Y/n where shes not laughing, or joking around or trying to make sure everyone had a great time. I remember how her and I used to duel together. She had mentioned at one point about needing to practice her waterbending skills, since hadn't had to use it for fighting in so long. Zuko offered to duel with her, but I threatened to kiss his a*s if he hurt her - even by accident. So, he backed off. I offered to help her because chucked rocks at her was a good way to practice quick reflexes. She adapted quite well, and quite quickly. It was so fun in fact that we set a time once a week just to duel each other. We even up-ed the challenge. I started to not just use Earthbending but Metalbending as well. I miss being able to do that. Or when Y/n would randomly text our group chat in the middle of the night because she missed us. I felt that we were standing in the room. I could feel the sad presences around me from everyone in the room. The vibes are very strong from Zuko right now. I walked closer to the bed. I stood next to it, feeling around for her hand or her arm. Once I felt it, I gently wrapped my hand around her arm. I felt a tear fall from my eye as I stood there.

"Oh Y/n, why did this have to happen to you? You were so full of life and energy and love. And despite what Zuko did to you, you tried to stay happy for us. You tried to be upbeat to keep the mood up. Why did it have to be you? Why couldn't it have been me? -"

More tears fell from my eyes. I felt a hand on my back. And judging from how it felt, I'm guessing it was Sokka.

"I miss you Y/n. We all do, - Please dont leave us - Please come back to us! – Katara cant you heal her or something?!"

"I-I wish I could Toph, but this is delicate. If I make one slip she could fall further into the coma and never come out of it," Katara spoke to me softly.

"There's still a chance she might not come out of it," Suki spoke casually.

"Suki?!" Sokka snapped in slight shock.

"What? I'm just being real Sokka," Suki explained calmly.

"Okay, guys let's not fight or complain," Aang spoke.

"Aang's right," Sapphire stated.

I quickly turned to where I knew where Zuko was standing. Angry crossed me.

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT ZUKO!!!!! I WISH YOU'D NEVER BEEN ACCEPTED INTO OUR GROUP!!!! I HATE YOU!!!! AND I PROMISE YOU I WILL KICK YOUR A*S LATER!!!!" I yelled to Zuko before rushing out of the room.

Aang's P.O.V.

We all stared as Toph rushed out.

"Hmm, maybe someone should go after her?" I spoke casually.

"I'll do it," Katara volunteered.

Katara left the room to find Toph.

"Uh, if we have something to say to Y/n, maybe we should do it one at a time," Sokka suggested.

"I think that's a good idea Sokka," Sapphire stated.

"Whose gonna go first?" Zuko asked.

"Me - I wanna go first," I spoke up.

"Okay, we'll leave you alone with her Aang," Sapphire said softly.

I nodded as they walked out of the room. I sighed as I walked over to Y/n. I hated looking at her like this. She looked so helpless.

"I bet you hate all this fighting huh? - I know if you were here you'd try to do your best to resolve it all for us. You were always so good at that. Even better than me. And I'm the Avatar. We've been posting a tone of stuff on our social media page about you. Asking you to get better and not to leave us. It's funny even Zuko admitted to the fact that he loves you. -"

I went silent for a moment.

"If you can hear me - And you recover, please dont tell him I told you that? - I miss you Y/n, - We all miss you -"

A tear escaped from my eye. I leaned over to hug her.

"Please dont leave us,"

Sapphire's P.O.V.

I sat next to the bed.

"Its funny, I'm here everyday and I still can't get used to seeing you like this. You're everything to me baby sis. I cant lose you. I know I tell you this everyday, but I cant seem to say it enough. Maybe if I say it enough, it'll be just enough to pull you out of it. I miss you so much, - Please - Y/n wake up,"

I took hold her hand, letting tears fall as I rested my head on her arm.

Sokka's P.O.V.

I sighed as I looked at Y/n. I couldn't stand seeing her like that.

"I'm having a real hard time seeing you like this. I guess its times like these where I wish I couldn't see. Then I think about Toph, and I wonder how hard it really is for her. Seeing is she cant see anything, but yet she can with her feet. Toph is the greatest. I know you'd agree with me if you could talk right now. You'd be happy. I havent been stealing your Dt. Pepsi's lately. Mainly because it's not the same without you pretending to get mad at me. I miss you so much Y/n. I really hope you come out of this. I miss my best friend. Without you, my life is a dull pancake,"

I sighed once more as I looked at her. I took her hand softly.

Katara's P.O.V.

I sat in the chair by the bed. Y/n looked so innocent and helpless lying there.

"I cant believe this happened to you. I wanted to blame Zuko, but I knew it would do me no good. I know it's not his fault. And I know he deeply, deeply cares for you. You're my best friend, you're like my sister. I miss you so much. Waterbending isn't the same without you. I remember how we used to waterbend together. Me, you, Aang, and Sapphire. It was so much fun. - Oh, Y/n, I really hope you make it out of this. We all care very deeply for you. We all miss you. - Especially Zuko - He is really sorry for what he did to you Y/n. And he wants you to come out of this too. - Oh Y/n please wake up,"

I put my arms over her hugging her.

Suki's P.O.V.

I sighed as I looked at the floor.

"I know you cant talk back to me right now, but I really need to talk to you. You were always so great at giving advice, just like Zuko's uncle. I need you Y/n. I feel like Sokka and I are becoming distant. And I cant quite seem to figure out why. If he's growing feelings for someone else, I guess I could be okay with it if he talked to me about it. But I feel like he's hiding his own feelings from me. And I don't know what to do. – Y/n, what do I do?"

I stared at the floor as a test escaped my eye.

Zuko's P.O.V.

I didnt know what to do as I sat there. I honestly didnt know what to say. I know she can hear me. I took in a soft breath before taking her hand.

"I wish you could talk to me. I wish I could be alert when I tell you I am so sorry for what I did to you. It was Mai she made me do it. She told me if I wanted to still be her boyfriend then I'd have to stop talking to you. I didnt want to, but Ibwas blinded by my own feelings. I was stupid. I shouldn't have listened to her. I should've listened to my own feelings for you, not for Mai. I know you probably still hate me for what I did. And I deserve that, -"

I held her hand tighter.

"I deserve every negative comment that you guys throw at me. - Our friends are right I am an a*s - I know you can hear me Y/n, - So I'm gonna tell you I love you - And that I really need you to recover.- I need you in my life. - I cant love without you - Please dont leave me,"

I stood up next to the bed. I still held her hand as I leaned down pressing my lips to hers. I know she cant kiss back, but I felt compelled to do it.

Taglist:

@cece-lives-here

@sokkas--boomerang

@la-lay

@cuddlykoala101

@zukochi

@mochminnie

@theblueslytherin

@coldlilheart

@coconutsaiyan

@rosestyles69

@juniperwoodwell

If you want to be apart of the taglist message me or reply. I'd be happy to add you

[nico-idc]

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that.  Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently. 

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why. 

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now. 

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression. 

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory. 

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions. 

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”. 

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on  whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt. 

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first. 

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this