letters-to-jesse

[letters-to-jesse]

#60 Dear Jesse,

I can let go now, fully, gently, peacefully.

Our lives crossing shaped me into who I am today- even though I’ve changed so very much.

I’m getting married in November.

I’m happy and living my life to its fullest, I hope you’re happy too.

Goodbye, and love always,

Emily.

[letters-to-jesse]

#59 Dear Jesse

I saw a smile today, a smile i have never seen before.

Your new profile picture. I haven't checked up in a long long time, but today, I had the strangest feeling. So, I did.

You look different, and you don't but most of all there is a smile on your face I have never seen the 5 years we were together.

You look, truly-happy.

I'm filling up with tears as I type this- I think we have, i know we have - finally gone our separate ways. It took us two years to do so- but here we are. I say this, and at the same time I don't think there could ever be an amount of time that goes by where I forget about you- but we have our own lives to enjoy and live now, yeah?

I hope you keep smiling, loving, dancing and just becoming the person i knew you were deep down, the person you worked so so hard to be.

You created that smile and I hope the whole world knows it.

Love always,

Em.

[letters-to-jesse]

#58 Dear Jesse,

I’m missing you today. And that’s okay.

I’m letting myself feel these feelings, it’s the only thing I can do, and without judgement.

I miss our talks, our walks and laughs. I miss the person I considered my best friend at one point in time. I reread your letter, and let myself cry.

Some days I want to write back

Love always,

Em.

[letters-to-jesse]

#57 Dear Jesse,

I know you aren't living in our old apartment anymore- I'm happy for you, I hope you're happy too. So much time has passed - some days things are still so fresh in my mind. I wonder how you're doing, what your life is like now, and who you are as a person these days. But, there is not a part in me that thinks we should be in each others lives. Things ended for the very best, even if it takes us both a long time getting there. I know i've typed this before, most likely a handful of times but i hope you have amazing people in your life, supporting you and rooting you on. I hope you are surrounded by so much love and feel happiness most days. I hope you do not feel alone.

There is more I want to type and say, but i am so tired today and need to get some rest.

Love always,

Em.

[letters-to-jesse]

#56 Dear Jesse,

In my car before work very much in my feelings, my Google photos reminded me that it was 5 years ago today we went to New York with your family. That was one of the happiest memories I have with you. I was so excited.

When things got bad, really bad- it’s a memory that gave me hope and belief that it would all get better, that better days were possible.

P.s - one of the possum photos now lives in my journal, so I can keep it close to me wherever I go.

Love always,

Em

[letters-to-jesse]

#55 Dear Jesse,

The last 24 hours have been so very overwhelming for me.

I feel frustration, i feel a deep sadness, I feel like my personal space has been violated, I feel happy, relieved, heartbroken, and just broken.

I was doing better- then I received your letter in the mail.

I am very emotional today, as I was yesterday too.

I re-read you letter about three times now, and another with my therapist. There is so much I want to say. I'm not angry, i am hurt.

It's been over a year and I've kept making it a point not to reach out, talk to you, interact in anyway and then I find a card from pop pop, sending it to you was for you and you alone- not for me. I was worried this would encourage you to reach out...but i did it anyway because i knew that if you had something from tee tee and she passed- i would want it very much. You reaching out has made it so hard for me, even if it was with good intentions.

I realize this letter is you being vulnerable to me still, i appreciate that. I still love you and just as you have a me shaped spot in your heart I have a you shaped spot in mine- but that does not mean I want things to ever go back to how they were.

I feel happy for you all at the same time- I am so grateful to all of the people in your life now, the rescue, the animals... it makes me feel so warm inside knowing you have those things in your life now.

i feel sick thinking about everything, and thinking you may be out there waiting for me to respond to you- but as hard as it is, as much as it pains me- I will not.

The thing about loving someone is that once the relationship is over and you still have love for the person... you must love them from a distance. I will love you from a distance, i will wish you the best life you can possibly have- even knowing I can not be a part of it- and say nothing because i know that would do neither of us any good. I want you to keep healing, soaring, feeling full. Those things along with me being in your life can not co-exist. We tried for 5 years.

I will cherish these photos forever, just as I cherish the good memories.. I still have so much more to say but this is all I have for right now.

Love,

Em

[letters-to-jesse]

#54 Dear Jesse,

Do you remember the clockwork orange birthday card you gave me, for my birthday, the first of my birthdays we celebrated together?

I reread it last night as I was going through the old card box that mostly has Tee tee's cards in it. It showed me, more so reminded me- that you really loved me. You said in the card how happy you were to have met me, and how you haven't felt that feeling before, that you were happy for our future, growing together. You could see it, truly see it. It made my heart feel warm, sad, grief reading it last night. Jesse, I think you loved me more than anything, i didn't always feel that, in fact I didnt believe it at all at some points in our relationship.. but now that I can look back- I see you put your heart, your everything into me.

What exists at the same time is a week after you gave me that card, You ripped it off the wall, saying the worst things to me i could ever hear, crumpled it up in your hands, and threw it in the trash.

I picked the card out of the trash because they were words that were precious to me at the time as it was proof on paper that you did care about me, and i needed that reminder when things went bad.

More than anything- regardless of everything,

I hope you love yourself more than you ever loved me now.

I hope when you smile, its because you feel genuine happiness, feel good about the person you are now and have things in your life that bring you joy, content. It's a reminder to myself, looking at the card that I also, need to love myself more than anything, more than a partner, more than friends because a the end of the day when I lay my head on a pillow, ready to go to bed, I have myself.

Love always,

Em.

[letters-to-jesse]

#53 Dear Jesse,

With the holidays here it has me feeling all of the things.

I've been talking to Lisa on and off, nothing about you out of respect but I told her everything. Being transparent and honest has been a driving force of my recovery, even if conversations are uncomfortable, or even if they hurt. It's always better to speak the truth. I was always truthful before I met you Jesse, and somewhere along the way I started lying. I started lying to not upset you, or make you more angry, then when we moved out I lied so I could see my family, go to family gatherings, see an occasional friend. Then by the end of our relationship among reconnecting with friends, I met my current partner who I fell in love with. He knows everything because that is the way life should be. The truth hurts, I'm sorry it hurts but I will never be able to take back or change the way I went about everything. I can only live to be better.

Lately i'm not feeling good about myself at all. I am not taking care of myself as well as I should be, I hope to work on that.

I hope you are surrounded by love during the holidays and that you don't feel alone.

That's all I can really type right now.

Love always,

Em

[letters-to-jesse]

#52 Dear Jesse,

Thinking about you today.

I read that you gave away flump, it breaks my heart to hear it. I am trying to understand. I have missed flump since leaving, and have had intrusive thoughts as to how flump is doing, or if she was doing at all. It brings me unease and closure to hear you're giving her away. Unease because I hope she is going to a good home, and closure because I now know she is still alive. I dont really know what to say beyond that, there is more I want to type but it is really late and i am tired.

Love always,

Em.

[letters-to-jesse]

#51 Dear Jesse,

This is mentioning you so I thought I’d post it here. I also meant to write when I ran in with you, at the art fair.

I had so much I wanted to say, I still do. But, as I wrote above. I tried my best and it’s time I let go a little. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting, but it also means not grieving everyday, especially since a year has almost gone by and I am not the same as I use to be.

Love always,

Em

[letters-to-jesse]

#50 Dear Jesse,

I saw you , walking this last Tuesday.

I saw your face for the first time since seeing you smoking almost a year ago. My stomach dropped. You looked the same except you didn’t… I thought I saw you glance my way and look away- I don’t think you recognized me. I hope you didn’t.

JI hope you’re doing okay jess. I hope you have things in your life that being you joy. I hope you’re feeling loved, I hope you’re not feeling alone. It’s not me assuming. I still worry.

I don’t know what was real anymore. I’m scared of more time passing- the more time that passes, the more of a memory you become. You were my life for so long.

Jesse I’m so sorry for hurting you. I live and feel it everyday. I would like to think I’ve changed. Me changing has made me more alone.

I’ve never felt more alone but I think I need to experience for a long while. When I feel happy I feel guilt , like I don’t deserve happiness. I know that’s not true either but it’s what I feel.

I hope you’re doing so much better

Love always,

Em

[letters-to-jesse]

#49 Dear Jesse,

I went to a allergist, and my health isn't doing good at all.

It is a little overwhelming to type but after having my allergies be completely garbage for the last few months I took it upon myself to go see an allergist since I haven't been to one since I was younger and got allergy shots. Well, It is a good thing I went to go see one because after the testing they did for my asthma and my allergies the results showed that my lungs aren't taking good amounts of air in, and pushing enough out. It's fixable, but by no means is it good. It is very bad and had I let it go on for longer it would have been even worse. When they tested me for allergies, they did a graph all over my back. And all of it reacted. I'm allergic to way more than I thought. The really complicated thing is I can do anything about my allergies until my lungs are in a better place. The medication that works best, and is most effective for my asthma is an inhaler ( different to the one I use now) and a pill. This pill is the issue. It has the ability to repair my lungs and get them back on track within a few months- But this pill ( called singular) Is known for it's heavy mental health side effects and I think this is the most scared and worried I've been about a medication. People have been known to become very suicidal, see/hear things and have bad dreams. As you know i have taken medication in the past with bad side effects but this different. One the packaging their is a bold lettered warning.. I'm on meds for bipolar now and my doctor, therapist and psych all gave me the okay to try this medication under supervision. I just wanted to get all of this off my chest because no one really understands how worried I am. Today is the first day I take it. If this all goes well then I can start allergy shots in a few months. 3 shots a week for 5 years. but the frequency of the shots will go down as time goes on. And, as I remember and was also reminded- The shots burn, so so bad.

Deep Breaths.

Love Always,

Em

[letters-to-jesse]

#48 Dear Jesse,

I don't know what to say these days. I have all of these thoughts in my head of things I want to say when I sit down and type- but then I sit down and nothing. Then days pass, those days turn to months easily then there is guilt of me not having written to you. I have come to the point where I live with my choices, I make better choices and healthier choices each and everyday. But those choices do not make up or replace the bad ones made do they? No, they don't. So then i am left in the cycle of feeling the need to type about how horrible I've been. and the trueness of you being on my mind.

I have dreams of you often. Most of them are nightmares but there are some where you are just in them, and you wave to me, or smile, or try to talk to me. I wake up crying always- it doesn't matter what type of dream it is.

So here i am, still trying to heal, still making healthier choices each day. And i also have been finding myself building a manga and comic collection I never felt was mine until it was gone. Will I ever even read them? I dont know. But its comfort.

I hope the birds are brining you love and comfort. I miss them

Love always,

Em.

[letters-to-jesse]

#47 Dear Jesse,

You look a lot healthier, I hope that means you’re feeling happy too. I think of you often, and even was talking about your music and how great it was , and probably still is. I hope you’re working on an album. I miss my best friend, I’m sorting through so much of our relationship and what it was and what it was not. I’d like to think I’ve been growing as a person- I feel more myself then I have my entire life. I’ve been working and dedicated to therapy. I’m done with the program and feel that I can start really living my life. I lost your in the process, and have to live with that for the rest of my life. I can’t let go of anything you’ve given me. I know you needed to let go because I hurt you in the end- but not only can I not let go, I find myself drawn and buying things that make me feel at home when I was with you.

I don’t really know what else to say right now as I’ve been crying a bit today

Love always,

Em

[letters-to-jesse]

#46 Dear Jesse,

it's been awhile since I last wrote- It doesn't mean I care any less. I got put on a second medication and it took a while for me to adjust to it. I can say for the first time in a long long while, i am not crying everyday. I can think a bit more clearly and I dont feel heavy anxiety between each breath I take. My mind is a bit more calm. Time is going by so fast. I have been living my life more, happy. That doesnt mean I don't miss you, I still miss you. I cant really bring myself to drive past the apartment anymore- I was fine for awhile as I usually just would pass on my way to work in the morning if I was running late- but then I caught a glimpse of you one day and it was like everything I had been working hard on that week just went down the drain and I just crumbled. That was almost a month ago now I believe, maybe more. I miss you jess. I miss you alot.

Love,

Em

[letters-to-jesse]

#45 Dear Jesse,

I just came home from being in Chicago yesterday and today. I've been listening to the few songs from warning and it sounds like how my heart feels. I was listening to the watching from a distance album as I was walking downtown and on the car ride home. I dont know what you're up too, but I hope you are feeling happy and finding joy in each day.

I want to type more but I am tired.

Love,

Em.

[letters-to-jesse]

#44 Dear Jesse,

The sun is out- the weather is slowly changing. It’s been almost 5 months since last talking with you. I’ve come to the realization that as much as I miss you, as much as I’m grieving and still crying over you not being in my life anymore: I’m not crying because of my life.

I’ve done more in the last half year then I have the last 4 years with you- I’m going to Japan in September.

These feelings can coexist. Missing you, and enjoying my life again. I’m not blaming you at all. I am and have always been in charge of my own life and it’s my fault I didn’t advocate for what I wanted out of it more. I remember having countless conversations when we got together about how different we were in what we wanted but I was blind sided by new love and didn’t picture my life without you.

I hope you have found happiness in some ways.

Love.

Em.