#don't have a drawing tablet until like next week

[vertebrae-consumer4k]

Self portrait, vertebrae-consumer4k, pen on paper, 2023

Am most likely taking commissions, probably free idk, why would anyone really have this kinda drawing

[verypeanutgarden]

Ushijima would be the type to not know that he is a natural flirty person. He is completely clueless. Especially with you. Being the manager of Schweiden Adlers you have your challenges with his flirty actions. We are now in the volleyball court of Schweiden Adlers...

•••••••

"Ushijima?" You called.

He turns his head towards you, showing off his abs as he wipes the sweat off his chin. His cheeks, red from the training drill they have been doing for the past hour. He shifts his weight as hes full body turns towards you.

"Yes Y/n?" He replied, as he pulls down his shirt and stares down at you. His body, almost shadowing you. You space out until you snap yourself back to reality, you open your mouth to speak...

"Here is your work out plan" you show him your tablet and with the use of your pen you point out and draw what is needed.

"Starting next week monday, you will be doing more weights during your strength training, and we will implement more foot as well as speed training following friday and saturday training. Sounds good" as you explained you didnt realize the lingering presence behind you bend down and place his head near yours to view your tablet

"Sounds good, may I ask if my diet will change at all" he said bluntly as if your faces weren't mere inches apart. With a small blush forming on your cheeks you take a step away and reply a nope, then running off to the next player you need to discuss their workout with. Ushijima who has no idea of how his actions affect others stand there still confused as to why your behavior has been like this ever since you joined the Schweiden Adlers as the assistant coach.

"Ushijima" the voice behind him said. He turns to see kageyama. "We have to do stretching now." Said kageyama bluntly.

As they did their stretches Ushijima spaces out as to why you are acting this way. Which leads him to a ramen place with two of his team mates. Kageyama and Hoshiumi, they simply went because Ushijima said he would buy them anything they wanted. But what they didn't expect is for Ushijima to ask advice about women. It is good to note that none of the two hes about to ask advice from has no experience with women.

"Maybe shes just quiet?" Asks Kageyama "But shes loud with the head coach." Replied Ushijima.

They had just finished eating when Ushijima proposed the question, 'why were you distant with him, and him alone'. This ended with the three men with no experience whatsoever with the feelings of women to ponder why are you distant with him.

"Maybe she is feeling under the weather?" Kageyama asked, "For the past year?" Countered Ushijima. Which leads the two to hold their hand in their chin and ponder more.

"I mean, it makes no sense for her to dislike you because you have done nothing wrong to her" said Hoshiumi.

Which makes Kageyama nod along, the night goes on and they are left there at the ramen shop asking themselves why you didn't like Ushijima. When in reality it was the opposite, but they can't seem to quite understand that. As the night rolls the sky the two wave goodbye to Ushijima, with a solid goodbye and see you tomorrow the three split ways. Ushijima walking to his studio condo near the volleyball court, he still questions as to why you seemed to dislike him, until.

"Ushiwaka?" A familiar voice calls out. He turns to the voice and its Tendou. Ushijima waves and walks towards Tendou. An exchange of greetings, and they seem to catch the conversation they left off a few months ago.

"So how is that assistant coach of yours? Is she still working for your team?" Asked Tendou. With a nod coming from Ushijima, Tendou knew there had to be something bothering him. So his nose got to sniffing...

"Had a tough day? Seems like you're in thought, Ushiwaka..." Asked Tendou.

"I...just don't understand her..." Replied Ushijima in defeat as if his problems have won.

"Why don't you go talk to her?" Asked Tendou. "But what if she doesn't want to talk to me?" Replied Ushijima.

"Then corner her and ask her properly. Because it would be better than you to assume every thought she has." Said Tendou as a matter of fact tone. Ushijima simply nodded, as the night grew colder Ushijima and Tendou separated ways. Promising to tell each other when they would be in town. As Ushijima unlocks the door to his condo, he realizes he should talk to you and address this whole situation.

The next morning, Ushijima wakes up to his alarm that is set at 6 am, two hours before his training later. He gets up to make breakfast, a simple egg sandwich and then he changes into his clothes. Then goes to the gym to practice on his spikes an hour before training. As he walks into the gymnasium he notices a figure moving around the court, as he looks and enters further. He sees you. He notices the way his heart quickens with your every move. He notices the way his voice catches in his throat as you walk by. He was daydreaming until, he saw your figure wave towards him. Which has him wave back towards you.

Ushijima stays silent, this isn't the first time you have shown him kindness in silence so he decided to take the advice given to him last night.

"Y/n?" Ushijima speaks up. You freeze and turn your body towards him. You raise your eyebrows to him, "Yes?" You replied.

The air so dense around them, making it hard to breathe then Ushijima speaks.

"Y/n, I have to ask if I have done something to upset you...If I have I apologize if I have..." Ushijima trails off in thought, and pauses to wait for your reply. A moment passes and you still say nothing, he opens his mouth to speak again. Until you interrupt him,

"Ushijima, I'm sorry if I gave the impression that I hated you...I just..." You trail off with your words and can't seem to face him a blush forming on your cheeks you fidget with the bottom of your shirt, then you raise your head to look up at him until suddenly he is right in front of you. Bending down to meet your eye to eye, your lips just a few inches apart. If you were to simply take a small step forward, you would have your lips on his.

"Your red...are you coming down with a fever?" He asks as he places his hand on your forehead, your face turning more red.

"Y/n?" He asks. Even though he just says your name you can't help but fall harder for your crush.

"Should I bring you to the clinic?" You wave your hand in front of his face, and take a step back to walk away. But before you could turn you felt a grip on your wrist,

"Please don't turn away from me" he says with a pout in his eyes. Who could say no to him, with this it ended with you in the clinic with Ushijima right next to you.

But it would be an understatement that this would be the end of your story with Ushijima. Because one year from now you would be labeled his Girlfriend and soon to be Fiance, he already bought the ring.

Edit:

Authors note: If you would like to continue to follow me I also have an account on ao3!!! Same name and same work titles. Thank you everyone!!

[bunnyychi]

A Heartstruck Collision

‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹

Masterlist

Pairing: Zach Hadel x f!Reader

Warnings: None

A/N: This is gonna be a slow burn fanfiction and Zach won't show up til some chapters in so I hope you can have a little patience for me :> This is super self indulgent btw as you can see from me making Game Grumps an intrinsic part of the story

Tags: If you wanna get tagged for the next chapters, just let me know!

‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹

Living in L.A was.. different, to say the least.

Don't get it confused, it wasn't horrible but it certainly was a different experience from what you had known of a “normal life” up until that point.

If you had to use just three words to sum it up, you'd probably say: loud, busy but fun.

You had moved there a few weeks ago after landing a job as an animator at the Game Grumps Company. Your bosses, Arin Hanson And Daniel Avidan, had, after years of only talking about it and never acting on it, started working on an animated Series called “Game Gyaru”.

The ad hadn't just drawn you in because you had been a fan of them for many years, but also because of the style that they were going for. 90's anime with all the good stuff: Magical Girl Transformation, feel good humor and beautiful sparkly, saturated images.

Not only the job offer was great in and of itself but the pay you were about to receive would definitely make up for some of the left over student debt as well as the fact that your apartment was being paid for you by Arin or rather, his company.

They say “never meet your heroes” but in this particular case, you might've just gotten extremely lucky.

You had your first meeting with the Grumps just a week ago. It hadn't been anything special. A few awkward handshakes, tripping over your own words and an introduction to your new workspace (which featured one of the most expensive and fancy drawing tablets you had ever seen by the way) and of course, a brief meeting with your future colleagues. Well- a brief meeting with their names so to speak.

Apparently Ross O'Donovan, which you had been following as well, would be working on the project alongside you in addition to some other names that you haven't had a face in mind to connect them with.

They were most likely cut from the same cloth as you, other kids who just graduated from an art school that totally drained them and that have been begging for a stable job and finally getting a chance to put their degree to something useful.

As you had gotten home after your first day there, it had felt surreal. It still did even a week later and the mere thought of what your younger self would say if they saw you working under their favorite content creators was definitely tripping you up (hence the periodical screeches you had let loose whenever you thought about the matter at hand)

Much to your dismay though, all of the excitement for your new job was not enough to get you to finally properly move into your home. There were still about a dozen boxes standing around, just waiting for you to finally confront all of the useless stuff you had bought and acquired over the years.

Then again, you justified the leftover boxes by saying that you had already unpacked all of the very important stuff like dishes or clothes and yet you knew that someday you would have to face the consequences of your own procrastination.

“Did you just move in?”

“Oh no I uh.. I've been living here for a year now”

You could already hear the conversation happening in real time if there ever came a moment where you invited someone over.

‘Not today though” you thought, a sleepy yawn accompanying It. The last few days had been spent wandering around L.A or doodling various characters to try and get yourself in the right headspace for the coming months. An Art-Block would definitely be the worst thing that could happen right now so drinking in the entirety of a new city should hopefully keep your inspiration going.

Deciding to wrap up for today though, you finished your glass of water and closed your sketchbook, letting the pen collide with the hardcover of the book.

The apartment wasn't really big, yet that was absolutely fine. It meant that keeping the place clean was going to be significantly easier and the chances of losing your keys or important letters sank by at least 5%.

Just as you closed your bedroom door behind you, your phone vibrated in your pocket.

>>Hey there! Arin wanted to text you himself about tomorrow but he got kinda caught up so I just wanna make sure you're ready for tomorrow? :D<<

The text you had gotten was from Ally. She often aided Dan and Arin with their endeavors and all of their projects so it was no surprise that she also assisted with this one. Your encounter with her last week had been quite short lived yet her welcoming personality had you immediately feeling like this was going to be a comfortable working environment and one of the first things she had said to you was:

“And if there is anything you need, you can always come to me, I've got an ear for everyone”.

If that wasn’t the sweetest first thing you had ever heard while being somewhere completely new, you didn't know what was.

>>Hi :) Yeah I'm good, a little nervous but I'm sure I'll manage o7<<

You threw the phone onto your bed, pulling out your pajamas and putting them on, another vibration from your phone telling you that Ally had probably responded.

>>Oh yeah I totally get that dw! Just for your own peace of mind though, you really don't gotta get caught up with putting on a show or acting super professional, we're all friends here :D<<

You couldn't help but smile at that message. That interaction alone contradicted everything that you had heard about working life. Your parents and teachers had done a great job with the whole “that won't fly later in life” and yet here you were, using emoticons while speaking with one of your superiors.

Part of you was excited to rub it in their faces the next time you would call and yet you knew that they probably wouldn't look at animation as being a serious job. At least not if you weren't working for an actual company that had their shows playing on public tv.

Even though it was a sad thing to think about, they'd probably be more impressed if you were working on Family Guy.

With a tired sigh you plopped down on your bed, the slatted frame squeaking beneath your weight.

You contemplated for a second about whether or not you should cover yourself with your blanket. Another aspect that needed adjusting was the heat.

Luckily your apartment had air conditioning but you didn't want it running the whole time. Just because someone was paying for your place didn't mean that you had to max out every cost as much as possible.

Before drifting off to sleep, you decided on the old “one leg covered and one not”, using your body's built-in AC system (which actually worked quite well).

As you slowly succumbed to your own tiredness, your head was filled with all kinds of different images. Some were familiar, clearly influenced by the events of the past days but there were some which didn't quite fit into any picture.

You had met one of your, up until now unknown, colleagues. His face was obscured, your mind clearly leaving out the one part which would make it realistic.

You couldn't really make out what the conversation was about, only the feeling of butterflies to indicate what it was about.

Your hands had touched briefly as he took the pen from your hands, leaning over your shoulder from where you were sitting at your desk. You swore that your body actually started to heat up from what was just a random dream.

He was correcting your drawing a little and then he looked at you, his face so close to yours now and even though he had no face you just knew that he was smiling at you, his gaze softly looking at your lips and back into your eyes.

Gently, he put the pen down onto your desk while you were slowly closing the distance between you.

You felt his breath on your skin, his lips ghosting over yours, almost, finally touching-

“Ughhh what the fuuuck…”

Alright, your first paycheck would buy you an alarm that doesn't sound like an army drill.

Rubbing the sleep from your eyes, you slowly sat up in your bed. Motivation to start your job wasn’t necessarily the issue, of that you had enough. Sadly though, your sleep schedule had a mind of it’s own. Still remembering all the nights you had spent up and working on your portfolio only for some company that ended up using the Chairman’s son (who had no degree or any creative abilities whatsoever) to design their new bougie logo.

Some might say that there was bitterness attached to memories such as those.

Deciding that huffing and puffing over previous job opportunities wouldn’t get you out of bed though, you finally stood up. Immediately regretting it as you felt your head spin from the sudden movement.

Maybe a little less motivation?

You slowly made your way toward the small kitchen, coffee being the only thing on your mind when it came to the matter of waking up. As you waited for the old machine to get started, you went back into your bedroom. Opening the wardrobe and looking at it. Contemplating.

You wanted to seem put together but also not too much - didn’t want to set expectations that you would only be able to hold up for a week maximum.

A simple t-shirt and jeans. Yeah, that is business casual, right?

In a way you felt stupid for even having to think about the whole thing. It would most likely be no issue if you showed up in sweatpants and a tank top for your whole time being there, as long as your work was good nothing else mattered.

Especially working as an animator, you had learned from personal experience that after 30 minutes your body seemed to magically shift into the most absurd positions anyway. So better be comfortable than not.

After donning on the not so carefully planned outfit, you walked back to your now steaming coffee. One look at the watch on our wrist told you that you had about 20 minutes left. Downing the beverage in a span of time that would definitely result in stomach issues, you opted for the bathroom. The mantra here was the same as with the clothes: Not too much but not too little.

***

The office was nicely cooled, a stark contrast to the humidity outside. You already heard many unfamiliar voices coming from your workspace, nervousness bubbling up inside you. ‘What are these other people like?Would they be way better at this whole stuff?’ Would they fire you if they saw that the others were more qualified? Usually you wouldn’t talk so negatively about the degree that you had worked so hard to get and yet in moments like these you always felt so inferior.

“Yeah, (y/n) should be here any minute now as well.”

As you heard Ally’s voice, you took one last deep breath. ‘It’ll be fine, just play it cool. You’ve come this far’

Turning the corner to the animator’s space, you were met with three unfamiliar faces. They weren’t scary looking or anything, the whole scene itself just felt comical and intimidating. As if you had been intruding on something even though they had been waiting specifically on you.

“Hey, sorry, hope I’m not late or anything?” You glanced at your watch once agin. Just on time.

“Oh no, we all showed up more or less right now so nothing to worry about!” Ally showed you a sympathetic smile to which you couldn't help but reply with one of your own.

The introductions luckily went by quite fast, leaving little room for any awkward silences that you always dreaded when it came to meeting new people.

For one, there was Hayley who seemed to come straight out of the hipster era from the 2000’s. She had long blonde hair that went far past her shoulders and was contrasted starkly by the red beanie which she had pulled halfway over her head so that a lot of the fabric was casually hanging down at the back of her head. It was already clear as she introduced herself that she was an energetic type of person. That and the fact that she had been living in L.A for 3 years now, definitely made you feel a little inferior, even though she seemed friendly.

Jackson, a tall brunette guy whose style was very normal (in a good way), had also been living here with his girlfriend for about one and a half years now. The way he talked and the ease with which he spoke made him appear confident and yet there was something very humble about him. Perhaps a sort of ‘gentle giant’?

Lastly, there was Raphael. He came over to the USA all the way from France and although his english was as good as that of any foreigner who dismissively says that their “english wouldn't be very good” (which was the universal sign of their english surpassing even shakespeare), he still had a french accent which drew everyone in as he was talking. It sounded so much more fancy even though it was just a regular introduction. His hair was tightly coiled at the top and what especially stood out about Raphael was the white tattoo on his right forearm. The white ink stood out like it was some magic seal and depicted a moth breaking out from its cocoon, one wing already free'd.

Out of the other two, he was the most timid one and the only one that felt like he felt as out of place as you did.

“Alright, now that all of us are here, I just wanna make sure that all of you got the mail about the concept for the Pilot?”

Everyone agreed in a half-unison “yeah”.

The Idea for the Pilot was quite simple in and of itself. It was no secret that the whole series was heavily inspired by shows like Sailor Moon or Cowboy Bebop which is why it was set in a sci-fi world which still felt all retro-y. The episode was supposed to start with a little sequence in which Arina was playing an arcade game in their little spaceship and of course, she was losing and punching the machine. Then, Daniella was supposed to come into frame and tell her, in typical Dan-fashion, that it was alright to which they’d have a little banter.

Afterwards, the actual story of the series was supposed to begin. Their superior, a man who coincidentally had a lot of similarities to Barack Obama, informs them about a mission. A woman apparently paged them because her son was acting strange.

The whole episode basically forms about one bit where Arin pretended to be a monkey child called Franklin that was out of control. With the crucial detail that this behavior was caused by some cursed jewelry. The Pilot should end by Arina and Daniella stopping the main villain's henchman who was hexing said jewelry - meeting the big bad guy in the end as well. Typical foreshadowing.

After the brief recap of what was about to happen, all of you sat down on your desks, getting comfortable with the new equipment. Since Arin and Dan had already evaluated some of your concept art and decided upon which would be the best way to start, it was basically just piecing together the puzzle. Well, a puzzle which had to be drawn up and then cleaned multiple times but still.

After a while of experimenting and Jackson and Hayley actually getting somewhere with their segments, Ross also entered the office.

“Sorry I’m late everyone, I had to work on this other thing as well. I'll try to be on time in the future.”

All four of you reassured him immediately, partly also because you all had immense respect for the guy and his abilities.

“What have you gotten so far?”

“Me and Hayley just finished sketching up like three frames of our scenes.”

Ross nodded, trying to see where he could fit into the picture.

“You guys are still getting used to the program?”

His gaze fell onto Raphael and you who could only reply with a sheepish smile in return.

Was it bad that you weren't working as fast?

“If we have to hurry up you can tell us, it's just like new and all. I for one never worked on an actual series up until now.” Raphael spoke up, his accent naturally swallowing up certain letters.

Ross immediately put up his hands:

“Oh no, no, all good! I just wanted to check where everyone was at.”

He scratched his chin, seemingly in thought.

“Okay, this might sound super stuck up and shit but should I maybe take on the role of director? If I remember correctly from your portfolios, none of you have worked on a series so far, which isn't a bad thing-” he hastily added in between.

“I'm just saying cause I've been here the longest as well. Might make things a tad bit easier for all of us.”

It really didn't sound arrogant, it was just the truth after all. No one opposed the idea of having someone as an actual director, seeing that it would probably help the entire flow of the team in the future.

After a brief discussion of how the program worked and how to approach the whole project in the best way, the tension that had been present in the room before practically dissolved immediately.

Ross, having worked with multiple animators already, was definitely educated in how to make beginners feel alright with their abilities and there was a silent aura of thankfulness surrounding all four of you as you continued to work.

***

“Whew, good job everyone! Holy shit that is like so much for one day!” Ross looked at your screens with an astounded expression.

Very much exhausted from concentrating and your hand having cramped up like five times today, you finally stretched. It was one of those that made you feel dizzy and like you were ascending into another plane of existence.

“Do you guys have any plans now?” Ross asked, cracking his fingers one by one.

“Nope, not really. Well, aside from sleeping.” Hayley let out a breathy laugh and got up from her chair.

“I’d invite you guys out for a drink if you want to, some team building and what not.”

That offer would definitely not be turned down.

Ross had mentioned a pub that was actually in walking distance (a miracle from what you knew of American cities). And so, after telling Arin that you'd be finished for today, you guys made your way over there.

The conversations were held light, except for Jackson who saw this as a great opportunity to shower Ross in compliments about his works. The Australian seemed to be slightly overwhelmed by the onslaught of support but he hid it quite gracefully.

You stayed behind everyone as you walked, your social battery needing to be refilled a little before entering a place where conversation was inevitable. You weren't opposed to social interaction, you pretty much appreciated it and realized that you needed it and yet being in a new environment with what were basically just strangers (no matter how famous they were online), was absolutely draining.

As you entered the bar, you were immediately hit with the smell of alcohol and sweat. It wasn’t irritatingly strong but it was recognizable by everyone as you entered, faces twisting for just a split second.

Ross sauntered over to the counter, it was clear that he knew the barkeeper behind it. She vaguely gestured to a corner of the establishment, a little round booth where you were supposed to sit down.

You were leaning back against the soft cushioning off the wall, stretching your legs beneath the round table. The bar looked quite nice, you had to admit.

The whole place looked like it came straight out of another century but not worn out or scuffed. No, it looked fairly well looked after and it seemed that there was definitely no shortage of customers. If anything, you had gotten lucky that Ross had connections or otherwise the plans of a drink after work would have been quickly snuffed out.

The conversations started flowing once again after everyone had gotten their drinks. You mostly decided to listen, chiming in here and there if you had anything in mind that you thought would contribute nicely to the conversation. Otherwise you just sipped on your beverage from time to time, letting the alcohol relax you a little bit more, your fingers still hurting a bit from the way you were holding the pen the entire day.

“Yeah, my parents weren’t really happy with me moving across the entire world.” Raphael confessed, a look of guilt on his face. “I can imagine, you gotta tell us what it’s like in France, I’ve always wanted to go!” Hayley exclaimed, interest clear in her voice.

“It’s not super special, although the cities look nicer, no offense!” Raphael giggled. That you had to agree with. The beach was about the nicest thing in L.A that you had seen so far. Not to mention, walkable cities, who?

“I’ve been to europe once and yeah, it’s like entirely different with how the streets are and all-”

“Ross?”

You all looked up to the voice that interrupted the conversation.

“Oh Chris, what the fuck? What are you doing here?”

Ross got up and hugged the guy whose name apparently was Chris. Could that be the guy from DoodleDoods back then? You remember enjoying the creepy things he used to draw up seemingly on the spot. Didn’t he also have a gaming channel? What was the name again? Oney or something?

“I wanted to come here with Lyle but I think the fucker forgot or something cause I can’t find him anywhere.” He half laughed, he didn’t seem to actually be bitter about it.

“Aw that sucks, well yeah I’m here with my new animation team!” He excitedly pointed toward the four of you now awkwardly sitting in the booth. You gave a little wave to Chris who showed me a little smile in return.

“Animation- oh yeah right! The Game Gyaru thing I remember.” Ross nodded.

“Yup, that’s Raphael, Hayley right next to him and there are Jackson and (y/n)”

“Awesome, nice to meet you, I’m Chris!”

“Wait, you do OneyPlays right?” Jackson spoke up to which Chris threw up his hands in a gesture of feigned defeat. “You got me.”

After another minute of standing around had passed, Chris decided to simply sit down along with all of you, Lyle wouldn’t be showing up anymore anyway - his own words.

What surprised you about him was that talking to him felt very.. normal.

With the Grumps for example there was this feeling of “Oh my god they are internet legends” and although they were just regular everyday people, it still felt surreal talking to them.

The atmosphere in the bar was casual, like you couldn’t make any mistakes and as everyone was agitated in conversation, you realized that living here and working with all of them might actually turn out to be a really fun experience.

[angelofthemornings]

Okay, I came up with an action plan. I sort of want to share it with others, so after I review it with my therapist next week I'll post it to r/hikikomori. I'll show you folks too.

I decided to come up with an action plan about my condition based both on personal research and input from my new therapist. I'll make reminders in my phone calendar and come back with three month, six month, and one year updates. If anyone would like to do the challenge with me, please comment and update as well! I'm doing this publicly partially because I think it would be a little easier for me to do something for others and not just myself. If I'm a success story people can look at, then others might figure out how to help themselves too.

Some background on me:

I was a healthy, active, and industrious kid. Very curious, always doing something, a hard worker. The only thing wrong with me was some autism, very mild.

However, I developed severe insomnia around the age of thirteen and was unable to sleep until two or three AM. My parents decided I was "being obstinate" and refused to take me to a doctor or even get me OTC sleeping pills. Instead, I'd get locked in an empty closet hoping I'd pass out from boredom (I didn't), or dragged out of bed and onto the floor at six AM by my arm or my hair and forced to go to school on only a couple hours' sleep. Maybe an adult could handle that kind of sleep deprivation and still function, but for a child this was torture, especially because I was screamed at and sometimes hit every morning because I struggled to get up and going. I completely collapsed mentally - I even started bedwetting - and dropped out of school within a few months of my insomnia appearing, becoming a hikikomori. I spent over a decade more or less in captivity, and, possibly due to the stress of isolation, I developed bipolar disorder and epilepsy (I'm pretty sure, at least, that both came after I entered social withdrawal and weren't the cause) and I also struggled with alcoholism for a bit. I have some other trauma from things like relationships - I ran away and lived briefly with an older man as a teenager and it was really bad - and some other things, but that's not important right now.

I spend all my time lurking on social media looking for cheap dopamine hits and reading ebooks on my phone and that's just about it. After a LOT of trying and failing I'm able to draw and paint on a tablet for at least a few minutes most days as well.

So, as for the challenge.

My first step was stabilizing my health (bipolar disorder and epilepsy are in control and my sleep schedule is good, and I stopped drinking using the Sinclair method). That's taken care of.

Here are my instructions to myself for the rest of my healing process:

1. Accept that you were driven into a fragile and fearful state that is so normal to you now that you don't even notice it. Try to notice it. There are lots of things you want to do and don't do, and things you do that you don't want to be doing, and they grate on you. Pay attention to those moments and challenge and interrogate them, like:

"I don't want to get on social media this morning. Why do I feel like I have to?" Once you have answered that: "Is that true? Do I really have to? What will I feel if I don't do it and is that feeling really going to be intolerable?"

"I want to pick up a little, but I can't make myself. Why is that? Okay, it feels like I'm afraid my back will hurt. But how much will it hurt and will I go all to pieces if it does get sore? No, I think I can handle it."

"I need to clean the snow off of the car and I can't do it, but I can't identify why. What is something I could do to make myself more comfortable doing it? Maybe I'm hungry and could eat lunch first to get myself energized and to move around a little before doing any labor, or maybe I subconsciously realize I'm not wearing warm enough clothes."

Now is where all the research you've undoubtedly done about ADHD and autism stuff will come in handy. "Oh, it looks like I feel like I'm not going to be on time so I won't do anything before my telehealth appointment, even quickly change the clothes I've been in for three days...I know from my research that I can use a visual timer to help with that."

You'll have to talk to yourself like a mother negotiating gently with a very young child, or like someone rehabilitating an abused kitten, and that's okay. "Reparenting yourself" is a very common technique in American psychology. Remember that the father of hikikomori studies, Saito Tamaki, is really against firmness and force. He often compares it to "driving someone into the corner." Your job is not to discipline yourself and try to get tougher, your job is to coax yourself out of that corner. Again, the "abused kitten" model of thinking about yourself should work well here according to him - I don't think telling a feral kitten that Marcus Aurelius wouldn't approve is going to make it stop cowering. Kindness and creating a safe emotional atmosphere so it feels comfortable expanding its boundaries will.

Understand that "making yourself comfortable so you can do things" is much different than just "making yourself comfortable"; the latter is the kind of retreat that led to your unhealthy lifestyle. The former is purposeful healing.

Also understand that this "mindfulness" will take time to do consistently and is sometimes going to get annoying and cost energy. But if you can manage to do it for even one thought/action you want to change a day, that's still significant and will grow into serious progress.

2. Move physically. I don't mean go outside and jog for an hour right away, that's like, step nineteen. Moving physically and "being in my body" or "aware of my body" is difficult for me because of self-hatred and possibly some sexual abuse trauma, and after all this sedentary isolation I feel very detached from it. You'll want to start with very small stuff like chair yoga or those under-the-desk pedal things, and for only a few minutes. You can work your way up to true exercise later, for now, your job is just to get used to yourself as having a body.

3. Go outside by yourself, with no particular reason at first to decrease pressure. To start, I want to drive to the park at least twice and then three times a week, I don't even have to get out of the car, just practice being there. After I can regularly go to the park without feeling stressed, I can go to the public indoor pool and swim, just to practice being visible around others (water is really soothing to me). Then I'll attend virtual meetings for something - I've found some groups for autistics, LGBT, etc. After establishing regular attendance at virtual groups, I want to start going to the open art studio held at the library every week. That is attended exclusively by old ladies and they're always happy to see younger people, and older women generally have good social skills that'll compensate for my bad ones, and it's way less pressure than trying to create a social circle with people my own age. I also can either sit there quietly and make art or choose to socialize a little, nothing is obligatory.

If I struggle too much with the virtual groups or open art studio, I might attend an adult day care center for the disabled and have people pick me up to go, so that I'll have something external pushing me.

After I get used to that, I need to focus on one-on-one stuff which is very hard for me. To do that, I want to get virtual lessons in language learning (expensive but I'm going to try to squeeze it out of my budget) (on italki you're paying the tutor to be nice to you and you're not talking in your native language, so you're going to stumble and be awkward by default, no shame) or in violin so I can improve my skills and express myself. After I get used to people that way, I can try to join things like book clubs in my area and meet people in their 20s and 30s naturally.

4. This is about where I can start considering maybe a part-time job or school. It might be useful to take a class or classes on Coursera first, that way I can practice structure and doing things consistently for weeks on end.

5. In general, I want to make a list of three things to do every day. At least one of them should be a fun thing that I'd like to enjoy but struggle to do, like playing my violin. Another one should be something challenging and productive I can do on my phone, like use a language learning app, because phone activities are easiest for me. The remaining slot can go to obligations like doctor's appointments or cleaning up.

Advice: Studies show (source: Tiny Habits, written by the director of the Stanford Behavior Design lab) that you actually have a very limited window to reward yourself for good behavior, as in, less than a second. Saying you'll eat ice cream after dinner if you do something in the morning isn't effective. What you need to do is, after you've done something you want to reward, give yourself a bit of congratulations. I personally started playing the Final Fantasy victory sting in my head once I've done something I want to do. (The author of the book says he does a little dance or goes "Yay me!" when he does something like his pushups.) I also got the Do It Now app, which gives you points for tasks you set so you can watch yourself level, and I added not only obligatory stuff (cleaning, brushing teeth, appointments, etc.) but entertaining things that aren't sitting on a screen that I'd like to do more of but are hard for me (violin, listening to music, etc.). These two tools can give me tangible, psychologically appealing rewards. I don't know why being able to press a button in an app and watch a number go up is so satisfying, but it is.

Also, meditating helps (especially because it makes you more aware of your thoughts, that's useful for step one). I financed a Muse S meditation headband that reads my brainwaves and rewards me with audio cues when I reach a relaxed state, but I'm not going to say that's necessary because I want this challenge to be as cheap as possible for everyone.

Above all, be gentle, and give yourself points for trying even if you can only do something for a minute or two.

[witchcraft-in-wonderland]

My Muse's Mirror (Pt.1)

-------------------------

“Virgil it's been three hours- are you coming to bed or not?” Virgil looked up from the couch, legs hanging lazily over the top as he leaned against the center coffee table.

“In a minute! I'm finishing up a commission!” he said, turning his attention back to the. . . Interestingly dressed mishmash of fur and colors that was his latest art request.

“You said ‘in a minute’ 3 hours ago, that commission isn't due until next week- I'm sure you can pick it back up in the morning,” Roman said, Virgil listened as his husband shuffled off of the bed, feeling making a slight pattern patter sound as he approached.

“Trust me when I say this, Ro, you don't want to look at anything on screen right now,” Virgil chuckled at the already dawning horror on Roman's face as his bright green eyes traced over to the drawing tablet.

“It's good money- pretty sure the guy's got a science job or something,” Virgil said nonchalantly, saving the drawing and plugging the tablet in on a side table.

“Alright- fine- bedtime for me I guess,” Virgil stretched his arms out before getting up from his precarious couch position.

“That's what I thought,” Roman stepped behind him, evidently in a vague attempt to block him from running back to the tablet to do some ‘last minute detailing’. Virgil glanced at the smartwatch on his wrist, which read 3:47am. Geez, he really had been up for a while.

“Don't forget your teeth tall dark and sleep deprived,” Roman said before climbing back into bed.

Virgil made his way into the bathroom, taking his phone out of his sweatpants and pulling up YouTube to find a decent 3-minute song.

With the insides of his mouth now thoroughly engulfed with the overwhelming taste of mint Virgil climbed into bed, wriggling his way into Roman's arms.

His peaceful sleep was interrupted by the God forsaken sound of Roman's alarm clock. Virgil let out a small whine of protest as he felt the warmth of Roman's body slip away to leave him in the cold dark abyss of an empty bed.

“Aaaww, don't worry my chemically imbalanced romance, I will return shortly from my quest with chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese for dinner,” Roman said with a laugh, ruffling Virgil's hair.

“It's not a quest it's a 9 to 5 where you get paid to sing at people while they try to order food,” Virgil said with a laugh.

“Well- if you're so incensed shout it then maybe I won't take you out to the carnival after my shift,” Roman taunted.

“Wait- carnival?”

“They just opened for the winter, seems like a pretty spooky theme, I thought you might like to go, but if you're just sooooooo upset about my job. . .”

“Nononono forget I said anything! I want to go pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!-” Virgil, in a surprising turn of usual events, had gotten out of bed before 12pm at the news.

“Fiiiinnneee- I suppose I'll take you after work,” Roman said, smiling.

Virgil, deciding that since he was already up, he might as well get a few things done, decided to get himself some coffee and breakfast with his cousin Janus, and his new boyfriend.

“So Virgil, what'd you do for a living?” Patton was a very- Spunky- Person, not the kind of guy Virgil would've pegged for Janus, then again, he doubted Roman would've been the expected choice for himself.

“Oh uh- I'm an online artist,” Virgil responded, face flushing slightly pink.

“Oh wow! You must be very talented,” Patton said, all smiles and encouragement. Virgil was having a very difficult time figuring out if he was ever serious about anything he was saying, or if the sweetness was some kind of weird power trip.

“Uh- thanks- I guess-”

“Don't mind him dear, he hasn't quite figured out the concept of self confidence yet,” Janus said, chuckling.

“My confidence has nothing to do with my hesitancy to talk about my career and you know it,” Virgil said, eliciting a small snrk sound from Janus, who was very clearly trying to avoid breaching the topic of what kind of commissions Virgil usually earned the biggest salary from.

“So- this carnival Roman's taking you to later tonight- is it far?” Janus asked.

“Not by much, only like an hour or two,” Virgil responded, finishing off the last of his croissant.

“Oh, then I'm sure you'll have plenty of animation ideas by the time you get there,” Janus said with a laugh.

“What can I say? There's nothing like a good long dissociative spell to get rid of a little art block,” Patton looked vaguely alarmed, but held back whatever he might have wanted to say about that particular statement.

“Well I'd love to stay and chat about your unhealthy coping mechanisms, but I'm afraid Patton and I have a train to catch- big business party tonight,” Janus said as he stood up from the table.

“Don't get too drunk, don't want your new boyfriend seeing you cry about snakes again do you?” Virgil said, snickering as Janus moved to pull his hat over his rapidly darkening face.

Virgil watched the two of them leave, then hopped into his own car for a quick drive to his brother-in-law Remus’ house.

“We finished up the paperwork yesterday, so now we're just waiting to hear back from the adoption agency! I don't think Logan's ever been so excited in his life- well- other than getting Valedictorian in high school- or after that trip to Spain we took to visit Ro and I's grandparents- or-” 

“I think Logan might just be very excited about new things, Remus,” Virgil said, admiring Remus’ newest addition to his pottery shelf.

“Is this one a commission? Or are you keeping it?” Virgil asked, tilting his head at a particularly horrific looking sculpture.

“Oh yeah- that one's for me, one of my ‘therapy pieces’,” Remus replied.

“Ah- that explains it,” Virgil said, taking a seat on the nearby couch and giving a resolute scratch behind the ears to Remus and Logan's dog, Rosalie.

They sat and talked for a while, about Logan's new job at the local daycare, about emotional expression through art, about some of Roman's newest embarrassing stories that he didn't need to know they were talking about.

“Well- I should get going- Roman'll be heading home any moment now and I want to make sure I'm ready to head to the carnival when he's off,” Virgil said, standing up from the dining room table.

“Have fun- take pictures- and if you find any fun souvenirs I'd love to see them,” Logan, who'd just gotten home from his own shift, said as Virgil left through the door with a small wave.

“See anything interesting?” Roman asked, watching Virgil eye some of the carnival shop stands curiously.

“What about. . . This? I think it would look good on you,” Virgil said, holding up a silver dragon necklace with red gems where the eyes would be.

“Oh you'll want to be careful with that one my dear. . . Legend says that the soul of a selfish and arrogant prince is trapped inside. . .” The woman manning the counter spoke in a low raspy tone, her black hair covering her face under the raggedy cloak she wore.

Virgil laughed it off, handing her a few bucks and clasping the necklace around Roman's neck.

They spent the rest of the day riding around on the carnival rides until the amount of snack food they'd been eating felt like it might catch up with them, before heading home for the night.

“Don't go to bed too late my dear, I'll be waiting,” Roman said as he headed off to bed, the silver chain of his new necklace peeking out from his pajama shirt.

“I'll go to bed before 3am, promise-” Virgil responded, setting up his work station, maybe he could finish up that commission tonight so he and Roman would have the whole day to themselves tomorrow, to see if maybe there was a matching necklace or something at that carnival.

Virgil could've sworn he saw a spider, somewhere. . .

[morimakesfanart]

Sweetie are you alive?????

Somehow??? ;0;

I know I disappeared and I've been trying to figure out how to explain it when I post the next chapter. I have been unwell in multiple ways ;-;

I'm going to use this ask to try to figure out how to say it

First, the day after my birthday (yes the day after posting the last canon chapter) I went through something extremely scary that I don't want to talk about. I thought I was okay, but I'm the type to compartmentalize until I am actually safe enough to feel which turned out to be a few weeks after the event. I was actually so shaken up by what happened that I couldn't write or draw or do anything for fun for nearly a month. I was like a robot

Second, just as I was getting better emotionally, I got very very sick, had to see many doctors and specialists to figure out what was wrong. I had 3 conditions making each other worse. I won't get into the details here but it hurt to open one of my eyes for a long time and then I developed sever vision fatigue in both. Last week I was finally diagnosed as being infection free after months of treatments, but it went on for so long that I'll probably be having symptoms for at least another month as my body calms down.

The biggest saving grace is that I now I know I've been fighting an infection for who knows how long and got cured of it, maybe I won't get as sick all the time for a while???? ((Please🤞🤞🤞))

I started working on the art for the next chapter 2 weeks ago as the pain started fading enough that it didn't hurt to look at my art tablet. Not sure how long it will take because I keep getting vision fatigue very quickly. Patreon got to see the sketch version already. I'm practically desperate to draw and write at this point so as I'm slowly able to do so it's rushing out of me like tsunami. I have chapters 40&41 mostly done being written now too

Medical TMI for the morbidly curious :

(not a lot of details, but I wanted to hide it because I know eye stuff can be scary for people)

I learned that I had an ongoing eye infection in my eye lids and around my eye lashes for the past several years that was misdiagnosed (that doctor definitely didn't like me so I'm not surprised tbh). It only revealed the truth because my immune system couldn't keep up anymore and the infection started spreading under the skin in an extremely huge and painful way. The past several months I've been doing treatments. It was only last week that I was diagnosed as cured of both infections, but it will still be a month or more of living with the after effects. It has hurt to use my eyes and keep them open for most of the past several months. It doesn't hurt much anymore at least. I have another appointment coming up to see if the current symptoms were from the infection+ meds, or if all of this was so bad that I have glaucoma now. It runs in my family so I'm at risk. Also, it looks like I will need eye drops for the rest of my life, and developing dry eyes was most likely a big factor in why I got the first infection.

I'm so done with being sick

[tamelee]

Hii, when are you uploading your next art? It's been like ages lol. Also how's your progress on manga going? And can you suggest some other artists you know, artists like you? Since you also started from 0 followers at some point and your progress on your art is also very inspiring and i guess you know many different artists. I'm searching for inspiration and looking for some Low key artists from other fandoms. I'm slowing trying to improve on my digital painting skills. Still at level 1. Who do you look up to for your inspiration? Sorry, this became a pretty big ask hehe.

Hi~ 💕

Ages? Yeah, ... a little over a month now. I know that because I keep track on it. I pretty much keep track on most things. I do this thing where I plan a few weeks ahead and it is supposed to make sure I have more time left because of the planning but it doesn't account for roadblocks such as wrist pain, technical issues with tablets etc-, mental states, stress, health declines or others. So.. I haven't uploaded anything in a while but I never stopped creating ^^! In fact, I'm learning every single day so that I can create more, "better" (subjective) and build a skill-set that will help me be able to make what I want. I felt like I was making art aimlessly, but having a goal helps. Though, by chance, since you're wondering- this week for sure!

And within that planning is of course the Manga! The process is a lot of fun, but also there is science behind Storytelling and I'm using what I know and learning during my graduation process as well in order to create it. That's why I didn't start drawing until I am completely happy with the story (...and now don't mind so much that my previous draft got lost even thought that was so painful lol). I was so ignorant about it though, thinking I could just... create a Manga. Like c'mon. I knew so much time and dedication went into it and yet I thought I could just... do it 😆 but also, it is this dedication that made me able to do most crazy things in life so why not. If I'm going to spend idk how many hours on this then it better matter to me. I don't want Naruto and Sasuke to just drown in some plot, I want them to actively pursue something they care about and struggle, have dark moments and conflicts... heh.

When I first started drawing.. surprisingly I didn't have that many inspirations. I had no clue what I was doing and so what inspired me was the little art-community around me on Instagram because our goals were similar. My goal to finish Inktober, a wish to "someday create a webtoon" and seeing artists around me upload their art was what inspired me. Then, talking about art, each other's uploads, our obsessions- it was all a lot of fun and helped me improve and so did they! Of course you don't have to go there, you can find artists at any stage of their journey anywhere but really try to find artists and art that you like because your style will grow from that and eventually become your own.

I guess a few artists really stood out to me then, but they're literal gods and nothing like me 🥹..they're; wlop, Z ed, Ruan Jia, Zeen Chin, Guweiz and Dao Tong Le. I had a splash art phase where I fangirl'd (still do) so hard over Bo Chen, Sean Tay, Alex Flores, Cheng Du (crow god), Foritis Wang, but there's also Paul Nong, Ley Bowen, Inhyuk Lee... and for storytelling art there's Kan Liu which art I love and Toni Infante and ooooh Astri Lohne's brushwork is amazing as well. Song Nan Li has a few artworks that I've stared at for days and would love to study someday. Jaz Chiang too. Krenz Cushart has a course that I want to purchase because those colors are sublime... and oh, I'm probably forgetting SO MANY right now but I could go on forever tbh. Lemme talk about artists and their art and I won't be able to stop. There have been many Instagram artists that I've followed but I'm not currently active on there until I graduate so I don't really remember but if you're looking for Twitter/SNS/Naruto specifically then you can look through my following-list or my reblog account here @re-tamelee. Nsfw-warning on Twitter (@ tam_e_lee) though. I think currently a few that inspire me regarding story/expression are helenpeanut, velinxi, Kishimoto, Ramón Nuñez, Moryo, Ryo Yambe, Rias Coast, Yusuke Matsumoto, Bengal, Hong Soonsang, Horikoshi- and still a few others... I'm not sure what you mean by 'low-key' or if this is not what you're looking for but I hope you can find some inspiration from this post and have fun looking at these amazing artists' art! ^^ Thankyou for your lovely ask, have a nice day 🌷 Happy drawing!

[asksoldieron]

SO-18: Memory Bomb!

If there's a lot of engagement on this, this post is liable to get real long, beware before you expand.

No art, but hopefully my eyes will improve enough to add some later!

Welcome to the Engagement Lounge, for Peanut Butter Bubblegum (SO-18) an instalment! Short comments can go in the replies, but there's a 475 character limit. Longer ones will need a reblog. Remember to @asksoldieron if you're reblogging someone else's reblog, so I can see it too!

There! They got him! Well, sorta. That's definitely not Erik but he's in there somewhere. They'll get him out! Eventually!

I had such a cool idea for a musical comic but I can't do it. You'll have to read and imagine David and Hyacinth having it out, while what he is now is slowly subsumed by what he once was... Or while an imposter who made a very bad decision becomes permanently trapped in a web of his own lies. Maybe both at once!

*sigh* I'm struggling, but I don't get real feedback from the eye doctor. It's like they don't think I can't handle any negativity, so everything is all smiles and "you're doing great!" while I'm dealing with shit they should've sat me down and told me about before I even had the damn surgery.

You see, I had the impression the surgery was the best option for not losing any of the improvement I spent all last year making myself sick to gain. Heh. Maybe it was, but I've still lost ground and I'll need to put in even more work to get it back. I have a different issue now: stamina. My eyes get tired of focusing on detail, near and far, and in certain situations they'll just stop. I'll be straining as hard as I can and I won't be able to tell you if that's a D, C, O or G. It won't shift in and out of focus like I might be able to get it eventually, it'll just be a static blur until I rest my eyes and come back to it. (Kinda think the doctor thought I was faking or playing it up, since I could read letters the first time she asked me to, and then I couldn't. But the tech just listened to me describe what was happening and said, "Oh, yeah. Your eyes are just tired. Take a break.")

I don't have much trouble reading - as long as it's black and white or close to that. Much like Erik, I can get it from context. I've always read the shape of the word, because my damn eyes never worked like they're supposed to. But art is not like that. Hell, even reading a comic is harder for me right now.

I'm getting my Xmas computer soon. It has a bigger screen than my tablet, and I should be able to draw on it. I might not get so tired so fast with a bigger screen, but I won't know until I try. I found a good enough refurbished deal that I can afford a pen display with an even bigger screen, if it comes to that, but I'll have to give myself some time to strengthen my eyes in any case.

I thought I was just going to heal from this - it would only be a matter of time until the wound closed and my corneas cleared up - I certainly got that impression at the start. But now they say I'm not going to get better without more work. I'm stuck doing pretty much the same exercises, only now they're hard in a different way. The dry-eye does seem to be improving, but there's no guarantee it will keep doing that. I have nearly a year to wait for the dryness and light tolerance to stabilize, those things are the slowest to heal. Well, they would be the slowest, if I didn't have this stupid vision dysfunction. I have no idea how long that's going to take to adapt.

Anyway, this is all too many words. I'm trying to explain why I won't be able to come back with more story after a two week break, even though I have the next six-pack almost ready to go. I can write. I can reorganize the site (and I need to do that, the theme and the global colours are just stupid, and all my pattern blocks are malfunctioning). I can open a new bank account and put together a Ko-Fi page (after Patreon gets rid of my data - they only have a couple more days to do that within their 30-day limit!!). I can't illustrate. Nobody's going to stop scrolling and look at this shit in their feed if there's no images, and I'm not resorting to stock photos or AI.

I want to get to the point where I can spam my followers with something I'm proud of that looks nice, and send them to a site that I'm also proud of and which looks nice. I want more readers, but I don't feel right asking for them when everything's falling apart, including me.

So, I'll be here, but there won't be more story for a while. At least give me until the 20th, that'll be three months out from the surgery and I should be fairly well healed by then. It's just that I have this stamina issue nobody warned me about and no timeline for that. Almost like it doesn't matter. Hey, you can see without glasses! 20/20! Like we promised! Does it really matter if it expires without warning? It works when you read off the chart the first time and that's all you need, right?

No. I told you people I was an artist. You don't seem to be reviewing my chart and god alone knows if you even wrote it down, but you did ask me and I told you. This is not enough.

We'll see what the next few weeks will do for me. I hope like hell I'll be back soon with another six - words AND pictures.

[Back to Site?]

[pbandjesse]

Amazing news! The heat has come back on! It happened late this evening after we went to get some groceries. But it's not an ice box in here anymore. It's still cool, because the windows leak so much air, but it's much more comfortable.

Last night I actually slept mostly okay I wore very big fluffy hoodie my brother got me for Christmas a few years ago. It is the warmest thing for sure. Like wearing a blanket. And I did wake up cold this morning but James covered me back up and I was just fine.

I had a text from Alexi at 630 that camp was going to be closed for the day because the roads were unsafe and it was still snowing. Which was just fine with me. A free day off? Amazing.

So I slept until 9. And I felt pretty good when I woke up. I didn't want to grt out of bed but I was in a good mood and was happy to see James and Sweetp sitting in the other room. I could hear children outside laughing. James said they were the families who were attempting to sled yesterday and they were actually succeeding today. Good for them.

While I love looking at the snow, I had no desire to go outside. James would go for a very long walk around the city. And I'm glad they had fun but it was not something I wanted to do.

So after I was dressed I got cuddled up in bed with my tablet to draw. James warmed me up one of my leftover breakfast quesadillas and I had a lovely breakfast watching the world from the window and working on some drawings. I am working on my countdown project and it is just fun working on a new style.

James would leave for their walk but this was not just a fun walk through the snow. This was a walk with purpose. James was going to the bank to make the transfer for the down payment on our house. It makes me so nervous and excited I get a little nauseous. But like. That's wild! We only started this process really in October. We saw our first house on Halloween. And now we are on the eve of signing all the closing documents. It feels wild. But I'm so proud of us.

They would strike out at the first bank though. They were so busy after being closed yesterday the wait was going to be two hours. But the teller was really nice and called another branch and was able to get James in there no problem. So James's continued their walk and made the wire transfer and got the receipt and everything. And would come home before noon.

I was finishing up my drawing. And was feeling a bit tired. I was very cold. The heat was still off at this point and the space heater kept tripping and turning off. Leaving the bed felt impossible. I would just lay there and watch videos and bullshit around on my phone. I had lunch but I was just feeling. Bleh.

So eventually I decided I had to do something and I started working on the zipper pants project for my dad. Apparently he has not really been able to wear jeans since he got the prosthetic because the leg can't go over the foot. He saw a picture where someone put a zipper in the leg and that made it possible to open the zipper, put the pants on, then zip it closed. I would text him to confirm what would be more comfortable and we decided on the inside leg instead of the outside. I think it'll be easier to reach. And I cut and pinned those up. I was not up for actually sewing them because the studio was so cold but at least they are both ready to go and I'm very pleased with how they look. I will probably get those sewn up in the next week. While moving will be my first priority I will still have time. And I will get them done. And I really hope they work for him.

James would get in bed with me and they would read for a long time. And I would fall asleep. I don't think I was asleep that long. But my limbs felt heavy and weak after I woke up. James made me a peanut butter and jelly. Which did help but I was still struggling a bit.

James decided they would go to the grocery store. And I asked to come with them. Just to be out of the house for a little while.

James went down first to warm up the car. I got my shoes and my chapstick and headed down. On the drive there we discussed that Larry, the mortgage guy, sent James some documents and I was like. Why didn't I get any documents. Larry called me and I sent him an email back and he was just congratulating us and said we only need our IDs, our checkbook, the receipt from the wire transfer, and our energy and then put a smiley face and a whole bunch of exclamation points. I love how unserious everyone on our team is sometimes. Makes me feel more comfortable. I don't know why but I love that.

The grocery store was fine. We got everything we needed. We wandered around a little. We paid and headed home.

Where we found that the heat was back on and I was very excited about that.

James would take the trash down to the alley and we would start looking over the documents. We had some stress over our outstanding debts that we were able to work through understanding but it will be fine. I ended up calling my dad to explain a mistake we made but it's fixable. It also helped me sit down and work out my new budget now that we have actual numbers and I'm excited that it's $200 less then I had originally thought. So we are already doing better and I am proud of us. We will be able to have an actual emergency savings fund. And in talking to Jess we have an idea of what bank were going to use because it has a 4.5% interest. Amazing.

After going through all the house documents and making a phone call where I had to talk to a bank rep to get a new password for an account I was having trouble accessing, I was feeling good. Like the nerves are very high. But this time tomorrow we are going to have the keys to our new house??? Crazy. We will have to get the electric and gas set up in our names but I think it will go smoothly. And I'm just so excited and nervous and I have so many different feelings. It's great.

I would take a shower and asked James to please make up the bed for sleep now instead of later. Alexi sent us a text that work might be canceled again tomorrow because the roads might not be safe at camp. But my plan is to go to work in the morning. And leave with enough time to practice the commute to the final walkthrough. And then it's paperwork time. Which should take about an hour. James might go right back to work. I might go to the house and do more planning. We will just have to wait and see. I am so excited.

I love you all. Thank you for supporting me through this journey. Goodnight everyone! Until tomorrow!

[we-were-made-of-stars-once]

QUICK LIFE UPDATE:

So yesterday was a really terrible day for me. I had just gotten fired from my job and I've been moping around all day. I was already in a tight financial situation for the past few weeks (taking out multiple loans and losing more money due to commuting issues) and now I don't know how I'll be able to afford my rent, food, etc. Till I find a new job. I felt really hopeless since finding a new job is already a hurdle in and of itself and I've got bills to pay pretty damn soon.

But I've realized this could be a perfect opportunity to pursue something that only seemed like a pipe dream. Let me explain. . . At my previous jobs, my coworkers and even a few customers would always say how they liked my digital art (because I'd mention that I dabbled in drawing whenever they wanted to get to know me more and my hobbies. Y'know ✨socializing✨) and how I could probably get into making money from my art. . .of course I always doubt myself too harshly even when the compliments and praises come from my family and friends. . . But now, I think I might have a shot at honing in on my skills. Now that I have the time and I still have my art tablet and a brand new computer (that I still have to figure out how to pay off 👀. . . .)

But anyways. . . Earlier I was super depressed and stressed out the whole day. Until I randomly remembered to check my mail and got my package from a Patreon subscription that I'm subscribed to and I'm a huge fan of! The sticker above is a gift from one of my favorite extremely underrated creators. @hasaniwalker . His story of Doris Doodle and Dawn Doodle is super inspiring to me (even tho it's about silly haha cartoon characters 😅) the emotional journey and the protagonists story really resonates with me. . . and for a moment, I kinda correlated Doris' experience of losing her career with my own. The hopelessness, the despair, the fear of what's next. . .

Doris' struggles in some weird way were like my struggles. . . (Or maybe I'm just projecting and over analyzing too much pfffttttt 😅) But I digress. . . As I stared at this silly little sticker, I started contemplating the efforts and dedication he must have put into this passion project. The trials and errors of trying to bring this project up off the ground. The creator of this underrated comic is one of my many artist role models. A real life glimpse of what I could become someday. An artistic storyteller. A visionary hoping to make something meaningful to my audience. A Creator.

So this is my official notice to y'all if anybody is actually caring to read all of this lol I will try my hand at doing ART COMMISSIONS. I've still got a lot of research to do first though, like how to price stuff and all the other technical details. But I've got a lot of support from my loved ones and artist friends to help me on this journey of pursuing my dream job as a artist (even though I might not be good enough right now and it sounds naive and a bit too optimistic. . . I can at least try, right. . .?)

TLDR: LIFE SUCKS AND IM GONNA DO ART COMMISSIONS SOON TO MAKE IT POSSIBLY SUCK LESS???

@dawnanddorisqna @hasanistories @hasaniwalker

Honorable mention to my irl art mentor friend @en1gmat1c for being cool beans 😎

[openly-journaling]

Wrath: Friday January 20th 2023

Was in the middle of working on a mini animation and our last nib broke and we move in a little over a week now provided the weather is good. Kind of late to order more so now we won't be able to draw for two weeks unless we desperately pull out our old tablet and learn to redraw on that thing.

I'm sobbing dying inside because we finally got off block and got our creativity back after nearly an entire year it feels like. Like we really got back into it.

I never really realized how much of a coping mechanism art was until we fell out of after healing from a lot of our trauma and now are dividing back into it since we're we're staying in the town that legitimately gave us all our worst traumas. And then of course the creativity came back.

Does make me wonder if we ever get comfortable enough if we'll ever even somewhat give drawing up. I say somewhat because we do want to try architecture but at the same time I have a feeling there a couple people down south that may very well resurface a lot of trauma for us. Which, while we don't exactly want and definitely try to avoid, it's good for our art.

So maybe our trauma isn't all bad.

But I've also come to this realization that a lot of artists really hate their art and their art style. Which is odd to us because we've been in that same boat but not to such severity. If we make a mistake we hate specifically that mistake but let it be to learn from it in the future. I think the early gentle parenting growing up that our dad gave us before foster care shattered us helped shape our confidence early on. So we don't struggle quite as much. We rarely compare our art to others and when we do it's more of an obsession over their art that we try to even semi copy that art style or implement it into our own.

Perhaps the worst hate we put on our art is when something just isn't working perspective wise or the lineart isn't working. I suppose we have worked to be perfect but perfect to us. Which was almost always good enough.

The way the whole class would stand over our shoulder in amazement and watch us draw gave us a confidence too. It made us feel good and adored. Considering we didn't get a ton of attention growing up.

It became less and less impressive to people as we got older but there are still some people that absolutely go wild for our art. We've finally found a comfortable community that loves it! The furry community has been very kind to our art.

I think our problem for so long was trying to draw furry art in front of people that decided dogs having head hair must mean that's a horse despite the different nose and sharp teeth. That was annoying. Completely different face shapes. We drew animals in front of people that preferred human art.

Which, while we still enjoy doing sometimes, we are still heavily learning and even come to learn more how much happier furry art brings us. So.. we'll stick with what we love most, what we're good at whether people like it or don't. And eventually we'll find our crowd.

I'm just glad we don't have a huge lack of confidence in our skill of art. We can look back at the oldest shit and wonder how people thought that was good. And it makes us realize that we have come a very very long way. We're proud of ourselves. Really.

Next we're going to attempt to work on more perspectives. Like this piece I'm so damn proud of. Our first drawing where we're really trying a different perspective.

No actually, that's the second one. Now that I think of it, this is our first. Unfortunately so many people want to call it inappropriate though and it never hit off. Like I'm sorry that people legit have asses? I'm sorry for drawing it right? She fell that's the whole point of this piece was just to get a literal difference in perspective. It's not like I'm exposing her or giving you a full on ass shot in the face. My god. And that was before a signature change as you can see

Anyway. We've come a very long way since then and I'm just happy with all of it. Satisfied that we can do so well.

I guess I do sometimes wish our art style wasn't so set as it is because there are definitely artists that have art styles we're jealous of. But to be fair, if we all had the same style... I think art would get pretty boring. So.. I'm glad I have a recognized art style of my own.

It does change depending on the headmate but not always. I'm not arguing with that. Hell most of our headmates can't draw at all! I'm glad to be one that can.

[heyftinally]

Okay, I'm severely pissed about the way my house runs, and I need to bitch about it because I feel like I bother my friends with this too much, but it never gets any fucking better.

So my house has three residents. Myself, my sibling who is five years younger than me, and our mother. All three of us are adults.

My sibling isn't required to lift a damn finger.

I am.

On any given day, here's a list of the things I do around the house:

Laundry (everyone's)

Dishes (everyone's)

Seasonally - shovel snow, rake leaves, help with yard tasks in a general sense.

Run my own small business (@sparktacular.designs on Instagram), including hand making stickers, processing orders/payments, making packing materials (thank you cards and sealing stickers), and packing and shipping orders. I'm a one-woman show on this, so if you buy from me, it's literally *just me* doing all of this lol

Draw/make basically anything my mom asks for, unpaid. I've made magnets valued at over $200 for the full set, I've made over a hundred resin gummy bears for math manipulatives for the classroom she works in, and I've spent countless hours drawing her things that I then help her cut out on *her* cricut, which she barely knows how to use. 80% of her projects on it are basically her saying "I want this" and me making it happen. Any given design she wants takes me anywhere between one and four hours of drawing on my tablet.

Now, in contrast, this is what my sibling is responsible for:

Dishes

Yes, really. That's it.

At the beginning of the year I finally got a dish schedule implemented after bitching about the fact that I was doing dishes six days a week while my sibling sat on their ass and did nothing, yet had the audacity to tell me I was "cosplaying as an adult" when I told them to get off their ass and do the dishes one god damn time.

So the schedule looks like this:

M/W/F - Me

T/TH/Sat - sibling

Sun - mom

That's fine by me.

But that's not what happens.

What happens is:

M/W/F - Me

T - sibling

Th - piles up

Sat - piles up

Sun - mom does the rest of sibling's dishes

On top of this we frequently run out of dishes (particularly bowls) because said sibling makes food and then won't bring the dishes out of their room for weeks on end.

It's usually around this time that I start pointing out again that SIBLING needs to do THEIR JOB and wash the dishes, and mom proceeds to do them all the next morning.

Now, if I leave the dishes for a day or two or three, or a week, doesn't matter, I'm expected to do them. I don't get a special free pass.

My sibling is not disabled in any way, though ironically my best friend is disabled and chronically ill, and still does more house chores than my sibling.

At this point I don't know what to do. I'm sick of being treated like I'm worth nothing more to my family than a live-in resource. I genuinely don't think any of them like me. They certainly don't give a shit about me. The only time anything gets better is when I make a scene, and that only fixes things temporarily until my sibling gets to fuck off again. Oh, and what do they do all day watch YouTube. That's it. They have no employment, self or otherwise. They just watch YouTube all day.

I'm so beyond over it, and there's nothing I can do to change it. I'm stuck here because I can't afford to move out, and living here genuinely makes me mentally unwell.

[rileyclaw]

Hi!! Do you have any good recommendations for cheap affordable drawing screen tablets :?? Adore your art style btw it's so expressive and don't even get me started on the animatics oml 10000000000/10- Ty for getting into toh <333

Thank you sm!!! that is my absolute favourite thing to hear i am a mess rn thank you anon (i wonder if y'all would like the Next animatic coming in like 2 weeks maybe)

I did some rooting around and asked some students of mine for their recommendations and got this short list of 'affordable' (in terms of today's tablet market?? and the word affordable is entirely subjective anyway) screen tablets! I'm keeping it under $300 because that's where I draw the line with most technologies

I personally use a VEIKK 1560 - a screen tablet I got a couple years back when my old XP-PEN bit the dust. The VEIKK1560 is currently $260 on Amazon. I like this brand because it's simple and works for me, even if it's not an 'industry standard' machine! It has all the functions I need to do,,, The Stuff you know?? animate, draw, frantically click through my spotify shuffle until the exact song I wanted comes on even though I deliberately hit shuffle on my entire likes playlist

Aaaaand here's some of the reccs I got from students / looking around on the cheaper end of the market!

11.6-inch XP-PEN Display Tablet at $200

13.3 inch XP-PEN Display Tablet at $260

13.3inch HUION Display Tablet at $240

11.6inch VEIKK Display Tablet at $170

Disclaimer: all of the above need a PC to connect to and are not ‘independent’ tablets - check out maybe a Surface Pro or iPad if interested in that kind of thing! They’re more pricey but if it suits you better it may be worth an investment?

My advice to anyone looking for drawing tablets is do research and see which 'brand' or 'model' fits your needs! VEIKK works very well with me but may not for someone else, so any machine you're interested in is worth looking into first!

But these brands I threw here typically have pretty good deals for what you receive! (Sorry Wacom fans , screened Wacoms are expensive and way out of my personal price range for this list!) I hope this helps even a little!! Affordability is subjective so I was sticking to what I'd have gone with myself

[feathered-serpents]

So. I’m just gonna do some musings really quick about art 

Earlier this year I posted a (now deleted) post about how I’d been gifted a fancy draw on the screen drawing tablet for Christmas and I couldn’t bring myself to touch it because my art was just so bad and using a tablet like that was so humiliating knowing that it was made for “good artists” and I had no business using a tool like that even knowing the tool itself is inanimate and doesn’t care. 

Those were very real feelings at the time and I don’t want to shit on my past self too much for it. The sight of it made me feel guilty because I knew it was expensive but I couldn’t bring myself to draw on it because I legitimately just felt that I had not deserved it, and I’d be... I don’t know... bringing shame onto art if a lowly scribbler such as I tried to use such a tool 

It’s a Huion btw. Not even a Cintiq. Really it’s a very dramatic response 

BUT this year after I got on Adderall and Prozac I did eventually force myself to draw on it, which reminded me oh yeah! I love drawing! And eventually, lead to a change in how I view art

See, I realized that until now I'd been looking at art as this... unobtainable thing. I'd see beautiful drawings or paintings and think "I wish I could do that" and genuinely believe that I couldn't, which was true in the moment, but what I meant was I believed I was incapable of it. That art was some mystical skill I simply didn't have. Again, dramatic, but it's true, I really did believe that

I don't know what exactly flipped the switch, but one day I just sorta realized... art is a skill. There's nothing inherently special about it. It's a skill just like cooking or furniture building or I don't know plumbing. It's not special just because it's "art." It's a skill, which means it can be learned

The person who drew one of my favorite pieces of art didn't just do it, they learned it, there is a way to do what they do, and if there is a way, then I can learn it. I can learn how to color, I can learn how to draw faces from that angle, I can learn how to draw fucking hands even if I'm still struggling because hands just suck so much. There's still a way to do it, if other people can do it, so can I.

And I've grown a lot just in the past few weeks after I realized that, it's making me excited!

("Aren't these the same two character-" SHHHHHH they're fun to draw let me have my moment)

The minute I thought "Oh wait I can learn how to do this" I did, and I've made strides! It's nice to look at a pose or come up with an idea and instead of thinking "I wish I could draw that" think "I want to try and draw that" That's really all it took, a switch from "I wish I could" to "I want to try"

I'm not a great artist, I'm really REALLY unsure about calling myself an artist or any of the above art. But I'm glad I can finally allow myself to try and learn and grow. I'm glad I'm having fun. I'm just happy.

2022 has been the worst year of my life but I somehow managed to do this despite it all, I'm proud of that. I don't want to stop, and if I don't, I'm excited to see where I'll be art-wise this time next year

[mammoney-22]

My tablet deleted the last 4 weeks worth of drawing I've done. So have a bit of a vent headcannon thing for the boys accidentally messing up some type of work that's important to you.

Lucifer

WAY more apologetic than you'd think

He understands how it feels having important work destroyed, his brother manage to do it all the time

Desperately hopes there's something he can do

After you tell him there isn't he's just really sulky around you

Like a scolded puppy

Don't mention it

Secretly does everything he can to make up for it

Mammon

Oh lord he saw that death glare and fully expected to wake up in a coffin

Frozen in terror for a few minutes

Doesn't know what to say

Apologizes profusely once he's able to

Refuses to get any closer though

Will also sulk big time and meekly offer whatever he can

Don't stay mad at the baby he's really sorry

Beel

He really didn't mean to bit you were between him and his food somehow and it just happened

Takes a long time to realize what he's does

Immediately shrinks once he sees the look in your eyes

Quietly asks if he messed you up

Hardcore cringes when you tell him he did

Poor baby does anything and everything he can to make up for it

Constantly bringing snacks

Again don't stay mad, he didn't mean it

Asmo

He didn't mean to but?? Shouldn't have been near his vanity????

Wants to apologize but stubbornly insists that 'the lighting of his vanity being so perfect isn't an excuse' that you can use

He needed it

Takes him even longer than Beel to accept the consequences of his actions

Tries his best to be apologetic

Levi

Realized immediately

EXTREMELY sorry

He too knows what it's like to have someone ruin important work

Has packages waiting for you the next time you pay a visit to his room

They're full of whatever supplies appeal to your particular hobby

It's his way of apologizing

He took the time to look this stuff up when he could've been reading his manga

He's sorry okay?

Satan

He spilled tea on your work in his eagerness to tell you about something he just read

He didn't mean to

Positively mortified

Tries to mop it up quick

He straight up avoids having beverages around you for awhile

Cringes inside everytime you work near him from then on

Apologizes at least once or twice, makes it up to you through the avoidance of his favorite beverages in your presence

Belphie

He had no idea until he woke up and you told him

He'd been out COLD on your lap and moved during an important part of your work

Didn't entirely ruin it but gave you extra work trying to fix it

Sleepily apologized and tried to cuddle you

You weren't having it and he woke up real quick

Pouted for DAYS

Forgive him or he's not gonna stop

Sigh. I wish my tablet could apologize and give me my drawings back to make up for it. Guess I'll post my MC OC when I get that shit figured out. Enjoy!

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

woah woah woah yuri you're still alive????

haha what happened you may ask??? well, life just gave me hell and decided that today. TODAY, was gonna top it off with the biggest disaster so far!!!!!

i literally just wanted to have ONE day off after my bday, but the next morning my computer wouldn't work! which was fantastic because literally every single one of my wips/ finished not posted works/ digital art was on there so i stressed. the FUCK. out

it's fixed now ofc and THANKFULLY nothing was lost except the artworks that weren't autosaved that day! (which- yknow, sucks, but there was worse at stake before :'D) after me bEGGING my dad to help me with the problem

except it's NOT OVER yet!!!!

sai's settings and brushes reseted for some reason and my absolute fav custom brushes were gone! so with me trying to recreate them then loosing them all over because they just wouldn't be SAVED OMG and me going for a trip to my uncle's small town and watching the leftover day offs i had dwindle so goshdarn fast i was feeling so sO drained-

and wanna know the funniest thing??? when i come back home ready to post art and FINALLY rant about this what happens?? no wifi :DDDD

prioritizing the water and electricity bills first, i got to work and drew everyday to make it up for you guys and look at that! i have good and horrible news!

so SURPRISE! since you guys have been SO patient with me (thank you all :'D), i will say that i have a LOT of finished works to post! all ranging from 1 animated gif, 9 artworks, 1 illustration that's part of a little prompt idea i came up with (1 done and 4 left)

technically, i have 2 pieces finished and 3 wips for the remaining days of fnk week and 2 new ocs!!!! (and redraws of 4 older ocs, 2 of which are ready to post)

as for the worse news... man. i'm barely hanging here but woo i broke my tablet's pen and it's charging wire!! (i literally don't know how but it got separated from it's body while it was in it and i can't i can't even)

i am so so broken right now- i was so happy to update yesterday and reblog stuff since i finally got wifi again and- man it feels like i'm making this shit up but oh my god i wanna cry

i guess i could post everything i had the chance to draw before but gosh i'm so sorry but i can't promise more art after i announce which one was the last in stock- (at least until i get enough money to buy a replacement for them both)

i know i suck at communicating if i'm alive and just having a hard time but i swear this year was really rough on me and my health in general so i hope you guys can understand :'(