#don't get me wrong i still love louis but he's deeply flawed

[kindaeccentric]

Thinking about Louis' guilt regarding both Paul and Claudia that's stemming not from him thinking he's responsible for their deaths, but from the relief he felt after they died.

With both of them their need for freedom kept putting them in danger, and since Louis was never one to cage them (not sending Paul to an asylum, letting Claudia run away and later kill Lestat so she could go to Europe) he felt a duty to take responsibility for them, follow them around to ensure they're not in trouble, which in turn was limiting his own freedom, turning him bitter, even if subconsciously, because he was ill-equipped to provide the protection they needed.

He could not understand their troubled minds, and even though he loved them dearly, they were a nuisance, a constant source of stress. Especially Claudia, who he picked himself, only to eventually realise he didn't actually enjoy fathering once she grew out of the cute little vampire phase and became her own person, with her own wants and needs.

He wanted to keep both of them alive and safe, he tried his best, even though who he wanted to be, or with whom he wanted to be, couldn't coexist with that obligation.

And yet he would not have said 'yes' to Lestat if Paul was alive. He would not have kept his relationship with Armand much longer if Claudia was alive. And he wanted to. He stayed with Lestat despite suspecting him of causing Paul's death, he stayed with Armand even though he subconsciously always knew the truth that Armand is responsible, because he simply wanted them.

So after Paul and Claudia died he was devastated, but it set him free, deep inside that terrible, unacceptable relief took hold and he became a master of tolerating his own guilt over it, over the realisation that the only thing he can never tolerate in a relationship is not violence against people he loved, but against himself.

[femgirlfriend]

i don't know what got triggered in me but ive been thinking about the relationship between lestat and claudia so much, i don't know if I'm just getting older and gay parenting themes start to get to me or what; but I've been thinking that lestat tried his best but it wasn't enough. she calls her an "unforseen joy"- he did want her, he refused her at first because even then he loved her enough to know it was not right, that his and louis' dream of having a child was a selfish one.

he broke the law because deep down having a family with louis and settling down, being loved- it's all he wanted, and the opportunity to have that in a time where it was unthinkable for them to have that life...it was irresistible. he took her in, gave her a huge room, picked out the best clothes just for her, she was the center of attention; they gave her everything she needed. him taking her to hunt together, that was the highest education in his eyes. he wanted her to be ruthless, cold, an alpha predator because he knew the world was cruel and she would get hurt, but he didn't realize he was involuntarily projecting his own trauma on her, traumatizing her in turn. he wanted to control her, because then he wouldn't have to watch her do the same mistakes as him; but then whenever he saw her, all he saw were the mistakes and the fears.

his harsh methods weren't working, and it was turning her against him, which then made him feel more insecure, more unloved, more likely to lash out. he wanted to protect her so much he would have locked her up in a cage. his love for her was so destructive, so motivated by his own trauma and insecurities, that it became a prophecy. claudia was not in the wrong in responding the way she did, but she was wrong in assuming lestat hated her. when they were playing chess, claudia compares their relationship to that of lestat and magnus, and she does it to hurt lestat- magnus tortured him horribly, beat/assaulted him, meanwhile claudia, even though she doesn't admit it, is a spoiled rich child, who lacked nothing. the comparison is beyond cruel; lestat draws a clear distinction between him and his maker, and to be compared to him was devastating to him.

but ultimately lestat's main problem, the one he never managed to grasp is that he can't see claudia as her own person, but as an extension of himself and an extension of his and louis' marriage. he saw her as "his best vampiric self". he's proud of her, he acknowledges her in the way he sees as the highest form: the daughter surpassed the father. but he doesn't understand, he still ties her to him; she's still his daughter, blood of his blood, an inescapable bond turned into a rope around her neck. his apology is deeply sincere, he is deeply regretful but it has one flaw- it's addressed to louis; it's assumed to be for claudia too, because lestat sees her as an attachment to their marriage, but that is the problem, and has always been. that's why she stood up and told them exactly that, right in their faces, so that at last they might understand.

and in the end he's forced to sit there and watch her die, his only baby that he never planned to have, the beautiful, unforseen joy and the disaster that followed, the biggest mistake and regret of his life, the biggest blessing of his life. and it's his fault, and her fault, because he told her so, but it was his fault more than anything, because he's the one that pushed her away with his controlling behavior, he's the one that failed first, the one that brought her into a life she didn't ask for. and claudia looks at him as a dad for the first time in forever, in the end just wanting to be loved by him in a way that wouldn't hurt, a love that he failed to give over and over again. and then i sit there watching, thinking again, where did it all go wrong? how did it come to this?

[crazykuroneko]

Re: someone saying “I wish they gave us more insights to the good days because so far, I can’t see why we should root for them or why they’re this deeply connected." I recall even some major reviews talking about this issue (I think the New Yorker one did a great job) but more importantly a lot of viewers especially show only people seriously questioned why lestat didn't just let louis (& claudia) go since he had antoinette to be his sycophant like it really did not seem clear to some people that there was any significant difference between how he feels about louis vs. antoinette, which I do believe is a major flaw in the writing. If the goal of your show is to be about this epic love story, it should at the very least be clear to the audience why they are special to each other. The fact that a good chunk of the viewers felt louis and antoinette were remotely interchangable is a problem with the show imho.

Yes, there are people saying that. Basically people are questioning both sides of Loustat. The show does have the excuse that this is only part 1 and was told by Louis, who has a ton of reasons to not really forthcoming about their relationship and still very much questioning it. Not in the way "do Lestat really love me?", but "should I allow this love to exist? Is it wrong to have this love?" "Does this love make any sense?". In a way, you could say the writing is successful in making the audience sympathize with Louis because they're questioning it as well. So, there's a tricky balance between presenting an accurate portrayal of subjective POV and a whole good writing there. If Sam and Jacob's chemistry isn't that fucking good, I don't think they can get away with it. So, I hope they'll do something about it in part 2.

[rulimaquina]

Something Is No Longer Wrong With My Stepdaughter

Word count: 4981 words.

If you like my writing BUY ME A KO-FI!

I never planned to have kids of my own. The mere topic of getting pregnant was enough to turn any conversation awkward because most people don't understand why my face twists with disgust at the idea. The idea of giving birth didn't make me feel any less disgusted. And I'd suffered enough during my years spent hopping from foster home to foster home when I was a kid and having my birth certificate altered twice so they could pass me as younger in hopes of getting me adopted off before I finally grew out of the system, to know that 'adoption' is, in many cases, just a fancier word for 'child trafficking'. So that was also not an option.

But I love kids. It was the reason why I became a teacher and studied and continue to learn as much as I can to be the best role model I can be for them. Because all kids deserve to have someone to look up to, someone to turn to when they're excited, scared, angry. Someone who will be there for them. After all, kids are what we, the adults, make of them.

Louis was a godsend. I met him during a soccer game one of my students had begged me to go to, where Louis' eleven year old niece also happened to play, and it was the closest I've ever gotten to believing in love at first sight. He was handsome, hardworking —bordering on being a workaholic— and funny. The best part, the part that made me ignore his talk about leaving on work trips that could last weeks at a times, was that he didn't mind that I had gotten my tubes tied fresh out of college, because he already had a daughter and often joked about how she was more than enough for him. The fact he'd finished the sentence with: "Either way, I wouldn't mind. That's women's choice." earned him even more points in my book. We had a relatively short period as boyfriend and girlfriend —a year—, then spent eight months engaged, two of which were spent living together, before we finally got married.

He was just perfect. The kind of perfection that makes us broken people feel like there has to be something really, deeply wrong, because such perfection just cannot exist.

His only flaw was his daughter, Katie.

Katie was a grade A bitch. Not my words. I would have never called or even thought about calling or even thinking about a preadolescent kid as a grade A bitch. At first, to me, Katie was just a shy kid- some would say too shy for a 12 year old kid. But hey, some kids are just introverted and I saw no problem with that, nor did I see any problem with her behavior. Not right away, it took a while for Katie to show her true colors, long enough that when I received warnings from Karen, Louis' sister, I believed that she must have been exaggerating because describing your own niece as a 'grade A bitch' when your brother introduces his, at the time, girlfriend at Thanksgiving dinner isn't exactly normal. Also because she'd started the sentence with "I'm warning you now that you still have a chance to get out." as if a 12 year old girl's behavior could be enough to make me break up with Louis. Honestly, I thought Karen perhaps didn't like me and wanted to scare me out of dating her brother. I even joked with friends that, maybe, she was in love with her brother and didn't want competition, fully believing Katie was just a shy, introverted kid who hadn't yet opened up to the fact her dad was dating. Her name being Karen also played a role in me believing she was being overly dramatic.

But Karen was right and I was so, so wrong.

Katie was truly a grade A bitch. I tried my best to not let that description of her cloud my ability to create an opinion of my own, but there was just no better way to put it. Katie was selfish, rude, entitled and it seemed that the only thing that brought her joy was making others miserable. I should have known. The amount of times Louis had to leave work to go have meetings with the principal should have been the warning, but he never talked about the meetings and I just assumed Katie was being bullied, not that she was the bully. But her cruel behavior didn't just stay at school, she was banned from Karen's house, was never left alone with her cousin who, despite being only a year younger and both taller and heavier than her, was terrified enough of her to apparently be manipulated and terrorized into all sorts of trouble.

I somehow managed to remain oblivious of all that, until after the wedding.

Our carefully planned honeymoon was canceled because Katie faked appendicitis. I say 'faked' and not 'had an appendicitis scare like many girls going through puberty do' because she confessed to me that she'd been faking it, right after hearing me talk to the hotel we'd booked, begging them to understand our situation and be empathetic, only for them to tell me that, no, they couldn't refund us the price of the suite with a sea-view we'd paid for in advance, because the room had been kept empty and they hadn't been able to reach Louis within the 24 hours window to cancel and get a refund, curiously enough, Katie had been playing on his phone all day because hers was 'dead' and she 'needed a distraction from the pain'. It was the first time I saw her smile.

But I didn't complain, because Louis had promised that he could make that money back in no time, that he could refund me my half or we could make up for the missed honeymoon with a family vacation. Both to celebrate our union and to celebrate that, to him, Katie's appendicitis had been 'just a false alarm'.

Of course, I picked the family vacation. Even if it meant spending even more time with Katie than I had to at the hospital.

I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, willing to understand that having to share her father with a woman who wasn't her mother —another grade A bitch, I might add, and without shame because since I'd gotten engaged to Louis eight months ago, she had only spent time with her own daughter twice, and before that, only five times in two years— was something that took time to get used to and this must have been her way of crying out for attention. Until we made it to the vacation house.

It was a nice two stories tall house —Louis called it a cabin, but I wasn't going to call it a cabin because 'cabins in the woods' just don't look like that— in some heavily forested corner of Oregon. The kind of place with windows that cover a whole area of the wall from floor to ceiling on the second floor, and make you feel like you might get Friday the 13th-ed in there. We got there on a humid summer day, a Friday, intending to stay until two Mondays from that day.

The first day, Katie was just too exhausted from the road trip and having to unpack to start anything. Or so I thought.

The whole day had passed so easily, I ended up letting my guard down. We were sitting down for dinner later than usual, and I was putting down the plates with steak. Mine first, because my chair was the one closest to the kitchen door, then, I intended to walk behind Katie to get between her and Louis, and put both their plates down at the same time like in some fancy restaurant. I was planning to fake a french accent and everything, just to see if I could make them both laugh. But my plan was foiled by Katie planting both her hands against the edge of the table and pushing herself, chair and all, away from the table and into me.

Both glass plates crashed to the ground as I stumbled for balance, one hand gripping the back of her chair, accidentally catching her hair between my fingers and the wood, pulling enough that she shrieked.

It should have felt cathartic. But I apologized to her, profusely, right before I got down on my knees and started picking up the shards of glass and the steak. Louis joined me on the floor, smiling at me before he looked up at Katie, his expression hardening and, for once, I thought he was going to actually do something.

"Go get the mop and a bucket, young lady."

That was it. Katie huffed but obliged, and returned with both things, dropping the bucket an inch away from the floor and causing it to splash some water out. Clearly intended for me, though it mostly reached her father. I could tell she noticed because, unlike if more water had reached me, she looked regretful.

"You cooked mine wrong anyway so, no loss," she said, smiling at me.

As Katie made her way back to the kitchen, a smile of satisfaction on her face that I couldn't see but I could feel was there, Louis gave me an apologetic look. Another flaw of his, he just didn't know how to discipline his daughter despite being the adult and her being the child. But I didn't count it as a flaw back then, because I didn't know how to do so either.

Our second day there was better.

I was stuck taking care of Molly, the chocolate-colored toy poodle that Katie often, even that morning, made sure to remind me was not mine, but who I fed, played with, cleaned up after and walked. Even before this vacation. While Katie only picked her up after her grooming appointments to take selfies with and, very rarely, played fetch with when she had friends over at the apartment I'd been sharing with them for two months prior to the wedding.

"I'm tired of this fucking house." at first, I was caught off guard by the fact Katie was speaking to me. It shocked me enough to make me forget Louis had left to go to the store around forty minutes ago, and that the closest town was fifty minutes away. "I'm gonna go outside."

It took me a minute to react. I watched her walk out the back door and left Molly to her food before I moved to the kitchen window that had a great view of the backyard. I opened it.

"Stay in the backyard, you don't know the area!" I told her.

Katie showed me the middle finger over her shoulder, then disappeared past the treeline.

I deflated a little. But Molly butting my leg, demanding more food and greeting me with that cute little face of hers fixed my mood some. I played fetch with her, throwing the ball from the kitchen to the living room, watching her run after it and bring it back only to make me wrestle her for it. I wasn't really paying attention to the passage of time. I got the ball from Molly again and I threw it across the house again, Molly ran after it, but stopped right in front of the wooden back door, every hair in her little body standing on end as her ears pressed back against her head, teeth bared as she growled. Then, she ran and hid under the couch.

The door opened.

I felt my heart drop to my stomach and my world spin when I laid my eyes on Katie. Her jeans and blouse were dirty and torn, she looked like she'd rolled around in the mud and at the same time, like someone or something had tried to rip her clothes off her. But her body seemed pristine, not a scratch or bruise or even a speck of dirt on her skin, the high ponytail her long blond hair was pulled into was a bit crooked but, other than that, it looked the same as when she'd left. She stared at me, but looked as if she was staring right through me.

"I fell," Katie spoke, realizing I needed some sort of explanation, fast. But only giving me the most emotionless and short explanation.

She fell? She just fell?

I scrambled to my feet and stepped forward, not daring to touch her at first. Then, I dropped to my knees in front of her, my hands moved to feel the inside of her thighs for any wetness, any blood, as she just stared down at me with that thousand yards look in her eyes, her lips pressed into a thin line. Then, her eyes finally focused on me, moving slowly as if she was studying my face carefully.

"What happened?" I asked her, my voice more of a plea for her to tell me than a question.

"I told you," she said, just as emotionless as the first time. "I fell."

I stood up and reached for her shoulder. Without really meaning to, but needing proof that she was actually there and wasn't just an apparition while the real Katie was lying dead in some tree, having been attacked by an animal or taken advantage of by some sick bastard because I had too little of a spine to make her listen to me, I squeezed. She just stared at me. Then, as if she realized she was supposed to feel pain because she'd just told me she'd fallen, she winced.

"That hurts," there was just barely a hint of emotion in her tone. The kind of 'that hurts' that you voice when you get a drop of hot water on your hand while cooking, not the kind you voice when you've fallen in the woods hard enough to walk back home with torn clothes.

I didn't know what to do. I called Louis, I called the rangers. They both arrived at around the same time, with the park rangers car parking in our driveway just before Louis did. He must have broken some kind of record, and all speed laws known to man, considering the park rangers building was way closer than the town the store he'd driven to was located in.

The rangers came prepared. One of them had medical training while the other kept asking me questions. I insisted that something more than a fall had to have happened, and they agreed, but with no injuries, no signs that she'd been hurt other than the state of her clothes, and no word from Katie other than that she'd fallen while taking a walk through the woods and come back home right after, there wasn't really anything they could do other than go outside with Louis and check the surroundings for a little over two hours, before concluding that there was no sign of people nor any animal that could have caused that, only Katie's footprints going to and from the woods.

Afterwards, Katie had been… strange.

I blamed it on the shock of whatever had happened to her, but deep down I knew there was something else going on. Katie hadn't ever come in contact with me, aside from that first time we'd been introduced to each other and we shook hands. Any other time I tried to initiate any kind of physical attention: a gentle squeeze, a playful poke, or even as much as brushing my hand against her by accident, she moved away as if my touch burned her. If Louis wasn't looking, she'd pair her actions with a look of disgust that would indicate I'd touched her with a shit-stained stick instead of my very clean hand. Now, she became my shadow.

She sat by my side on the couch, cuddling against my side. She followed me into the kitchen and insisted on helping me cook dinner, which I had to guide her through like she had never done or before, which didn't surprise me because- well, she was spoiled and I wouldn't have put it past Louis to never teach his daughter how to cook. Since the night before's dinner had been impossible to enjoy and Louis hadn't been able to get more groceries with his quickly he'd returned in his panic of something happening to his daughter, I just decided to recycle the idea of making steak, which Katie seemed really happy with. She watched me open another package of four steaks, and put it in the microwave so that they would unstick from each other. I could have sworn I watched her mouth water when I pulled them out after five minutes and there were droplets of blood dripping from them when I got them with the fork to get them off the plastic container.

When it came time to turn them around in the oven, Katie was hovering behind me, staring over my shoulder.

"Can we eat them like that?" she asked me.

Her tone was gentle, hesitant and polite in a way that made me flinch because I fully expected this to be some sort of trap. I even looked down at her hands to make sure she wasn't folding anything that could be used to prank me or hurt me. That was the level of paranoia this child's behavior had reduced me to. But her hands were empty aside from a cloth I'd been using to clean some blood off the counter and I'd asked her to hold it for me while I checked our food. She was squeezing and twisting it almost nervously.

"You like your steak rare?" I asked her. Her eyes narrowed and her head tilted in confusion. "That's when it's juicy and red on the inside."

"Oh," she said, her tone suddenly monotonous. "Yeah, I like it like that."

I nodded, thinking to myself that, well, that was weird. But I would take this kind of weird behavior ten times over her usual angry-at-the-world behavior.

The next day, we all went to town. Even Molly came along, because Katie insisted on bringing her with us. It'd been an odd night, but slowly, Molly seemed to begin warming up to Katie again, enough to let her be the one holding the leash. I blamed the previous growling and hiding on the fact seeing Katie the way she'd returned from the woods had probably scared the soul out of Molly, or that perhaps she could smell some wild animal on Katie that made her wary of her. But that didn't matter. How could it matter when Katie walked ahead of Louis and I, trotting to make Molly run and bark, her fluffy tail wagging a mile per second.

We made it to the store and each of us went their own way, agreeing to meet back at the front to pay in fifteen minutes, while Molly stayed outside, tied to the bicycles rack.

As I made my way from hall to hall, I noticed Katie in the hall with all the hair products. She was holding a box of hair dye. It didn't surprise me, since I'd already seen her dye her hair different colors a few times. She had the hair for that, honey blond and healthy from her five products routine. What made me let out a punched-out gasp as I approached, however, was the fact that she was holding a brunette dye box, staring intensely at it and, upon realizing I was there with her, holding it up beside my hair.

"Do you think it's the same color?" she asked me.

Hesitantly, I took the box from her hand while grabbing a strand of my own hair with the other, comparing the color shown on the box with my own. Then, I looked up at Katie.

"I think mine is just a shade darker," I said, handing the box back.

Katie nodded, returned the box to its previous spot, even made sure that it was perfectly straight. Then, she looked for a darker shade and grabbed it. She looked at it, then at me, and she smiled a smile I could only describe as tense and unused.

"It's this one," she said. "Can you dye my hair when we get back?"

This time, I managed to hold back the punched-out gasp that threatened to leave me. I smiled a crooked smile, torn between shock and joy that this was actually happening, Katie wanted to spend time with me. "Of course I can!" I said, wincing at me own excitement because this felt unreal, felt like any moment now she was going to start cackling, mock me for falling for her prank. But, instead, Katie hooked her arm with mine, and walked with me around the store grabbing things, holding onto her hair dye box until it was time to pay and I had to tell her to hand it back.

I never heard so many compliments about how pretty my curls were and how shiny my hair was as I did on the ride back to the house. Katie complimented me enough to make Louis feel like he had to, too, but his "I love when you have it loose like today." didn't compare with Katie's "Your hair is soft like cotton."

It was nice. But I still sort of expected the other shoe to drop. I made sure that Katie told me she wanted me to dye her hair the same color as mine and that it'd been her idea out of nowhere to do so, twice, in front of her father once we made it to the house, before I even made my way with her to the bathroom to actually do it, because I wasn't going to risk her claiming that I'd forced her or anything of that sort once it was done and there was no turning back. Once it was done, she stared at herself in the mirror, awestruck, and made me stand beside her, her expression growing even more joyful as we stood side by side with our now identically-colored hair. I even offered to get a curler and try my hand at giving her curls that looked like mine, but Katie very politely told me she just loved the color.

That day had been so perfect, I didn't even have it in me to get mad at Louis when he got a call early in the morning the next day telling him he had to go back home because something at work had gone wrong and nobody but him could sort the problem out. I just smiled and told him we'd be waiting for him, even after he told me that he'd be gone until Thursday night.

Louis left after lunch. I just resigned myself to having Katie go back to her old self the moment his car sped away from the driveway. I even walked back to the living room with fearful, hesitant steps, only to find her sitting on the carpet in front of the couch, Molly curled up on her lap, her tail wagging lazily as Katie petted her. Katie turned her eyes from the weather broadcast to me, smiling.

"It's going to rain tonight," she told me. "We could watch a movie."

That's how we ended up cuddling- yes, cuddling on the couch, a blanket over both of us, Molly lying over the blanket on Katie's lap, and a now empty bowl of popcorn on mine. Rain poured outside, but there was no thunder, just the howling of the wind and the crashing of water against glass and the wood of the porches.

Then, there was a much heavier, louder crash on the back porch.

We both tensed. Molly whined and shifted in Katie's lap, even barked, and Molly rarely barked. Something was wrong. I moved to stand and Katie's hand seized my arm, her features twisted into a fearful expression.

"Don't go," she whined.

I rested my hand over hers. It took me a minute to pry her fingers from my arm, the feeling of her grip lingered even as I brought her hand to my lips and pressed a kiss to her knuckles.

"Stay here," I told her.

I moved the blanket off myself and petted Molly to try and calm her, before I slowly made my way towards the door. I peeked out through the peephole just as something heavy and human slammed against the door.

Katie stood outside, soaked to the bone. Her hair was a mess, knotty and dirty like she hadn't combed or washed it in days, her arms and legs were covered in scratches and bruises, some deep enough to bleed, she had a wild look in her eyes, looking back over her shoulder towards the woods with frantic glances, never ceasing her knocking on the door, her clothes were different from what she'd worn that day when she left the house to go for a walk, it looked like some kind of leather I couldn't recognize if I didn't open the door.

I pressed my forehead to the door and closed my eyes, feeling each vibration all the way to the bone as her fists frantically banged against the outside of the wooden surface.

"Dad, are you there?!" she cried out. "Let me in. They're going to find me! Dad!"

"I told you to stay in the backyard."

A couple seconds of shocked silence passed, then. "Teresa?" she asked. The little shit sounded almost surprised I was there, when this is my house too. "Teresa, what the hell are you waiting for?! Open the fucking door!"

"You should have fucking listened to me, you disrespectful little brat!" I spoke, louder, harsher than I'd ever dared speak to her before. I was tired of being the enabler and receiving only disrespect in return. "Now you're going to learn!"

Then came the insults. Being called an envious cunt, among many other nasty words that no twelve year old should be using with anyone, but much less with her father's spouse who had up until now been trying her best. It made it easier to turn my back to the door, eyes still shut as I took a deep breath, reminding myself it wouldn't be right to tell a child that this 'envious cunt' made her daddy's toes curl at night.

I looked towards the living room and there was Katie on the couch, where I'd left her. Her body remained facing towards the paused television, but her head was tilted as far as she could to the side, staring directly at me through the corner of her eye. Her face seemed to have paled, shoulders tense and eye wide like she'd been caught looking through my closet, but also like an animal ready to attack. Like a cornered rat, the thought popped in my head and, honestly, it was fitting. This was the most genuine emotion I'd seen on her face since she'd walked in with her clothes torn and dirty, but otherwise unscathed.

The microwave went off. The popcorn was ready.

I walked towards the kitchen slowly, holding my hands behind my back to let the Katie on the couch see them at all times. I poured all the popcorn into two bowls and added butter and salt to mine, ketchup and sugar to Katie's. The hairs at the back of my neck stood on end and, resisting the urge to look over my shoulder, I glanced towards the microwave door and saw the reflection of Katie peeking into the kitchen, staring right at me with that same 'busted child and cornered rat hybrid' look on her face. When I turned to face that direction, losing sight of her for perhaps half a second, she wasn't there. I walked back into the living room with one bowl in each hand, ignoring the banging on the door and the voice that had changed her strategy from insults to desperate pleas, and found Katie on the couch again, in the exact same position as when I'd left her.

"Remind me to add ketchup to the list of things I need your dad to buy on his way back," I hummed as I sat back by her side, resting the bowls on my lap, hers in front of mine, closer to my knees. "We don't want to run out or we'll have to find you a different snack for movie nights."

I grabbed the remote, swung one arm over the back of the couch and watched her flinch at my closeness. I didn't touch her, choosing to instead give her time to initiate contact on her own. After all, some kids are fidgety when they feel like they might be in trouble, especially kids like my Katie, always trying so hard to be the perfect child and make me happy, but not socially aware enough to tell that my previous upset had been directed at the rude little shit at the door, not at her.

It took a minute, but she finally returned to her previous position leaning against my side, and I wrapped my arm around her, tracing gentle shapes against the smooth, hairless flesh of her arm. There was hair growing there, I could feel it now.

The screams got loud and more desperate before they finally stopped and I was able to unpause the movie.

"I love you, mama," Katie said from where her head rested against my chest, one of her hands pressed flat over my belly, fingers sprawled out as if she wanted to feel as much of me as possible, as if she loved me so much she couldn't get enough of me.

"I love you too sweetie."

[licncourt]

Do you think Lestat could have and should have ended the cycle of violence (which is Loustat) by committing an ultimate act of violence against Louis?Lestat was pushed to that point in his rawest moment in TOTBT, even after he returned as a vampire. For a man of action and pushing the limits, it's very hypocritical of him. (Louis would probably prefer a death of moral high ground over butchered characterization post-QoTD)

Okay, full disclosure, I have very little in-depth knowledge of TOTBT. Except for some key points that were burned into my brain, I only remember what I gleaned from angry skimming. I read it, but I did not absorb it. Ditto for the rest of 90s canon.

As it is, I feel like I can barely analyze the post-trilogy series as a continuation of the first three books. The characters are so wildly different and inconsistent it almost seems disingenuous to consider TOTBT or after an authentic and reasonable arc for anyone. There's a reason I focus all my meta on the original trilogy.

That said, I don't think so, no. Definitely not. In my opinion, one of the most compelling things about Louis and Lestat's relationship is the potential for growth and healing, both together and separately. I don't think AR does a good job at all of getting them from point a (IWTV) to point b (their happy relationship in the PL era), but the the point remains that the overall trajectory of their relationship is toxic -> happy (bad characterization notwithstanding). I think Lestat actually killing Louis would be a major disservice to their story potential and damage the character narrative much in the same way this book already does.

One of the primary reasons I find TOTBT so disappointing and upsetting is Lestat's behavior, which you mentioned in the ask. The awful things he does in IWTV become, if not justified, at least understandable and sympathetic. He was responding to his environment through mental illness and trauma, but we know from TVL that he's not a heartless killer or evil psychopath. We're happy to root for him in QOTD because we empathize with his flaws and want to see him succeed. He's grown as a person since IWTV and he's clearly still growing.

Instead, the Lestat we saw growing and learning healthy intimacy is suddenly demanding Louis, who he was just reconciled with, relive some of his worst trauma (creating another vampire) to bail Lestat out of a shitty mistake. When Louis refuses and removes himself from the situation, Lestat burns his house down in revenge. Even when they reunite towards the end of the book, Lestat doubles down and is still extremely angry and even threatening.

What AR does with his character is heartbreaking to me because she takes those very dark but sympathetic flaws and pushes them way too far with seemingly no explanation. Instead of deeply wounded young man who's lashing out at his loved ones and exhibiting very controlling behaviors out of fear of abandonment/being hurt, he becomes entitled and abusive. It could read really well as a trauma response if AR had really committed to that and wrote it well, but she doesn't do anything of the sort unfortunately.

(I'm not going to discuss it here, but it's still not the worst of the things he does in the book. I have a whole separate rant about how disrespectful the handling of the SA themes are to victims, especially since Lestat is heavily coded as one.)

All of that is to say that I think it's honestly irrelevant whether Lestat's behavior was hypocritical or Louis was out of character or whatever because I don't think this story arc should have occurred in the first place if it wasn't going to be handled mindfully. Lestat killing Louis here would be the wrong choice because the approach to the entire book was the wrong choice.

I have no problem with the possibility of exploring a Lestat who is backsliding in his growth because of trauma and relationship baggage, but that's not at all how it's handled or framed. It's just the first book of the rest of the series where Lestat no longer seems like himself.

(Another separate spiel I have is about how TOTBT feels more like AR trauma dumping than writing a story for her established characters, but I digress)

To return to my point about Louis in all of this, I think having what you described occur would be extremely disappointing and unsatisfying for them. They were so toxic in IWTV, but then they reunite as better people and begin this really lovely healing process. It's not shown, but it's set up beautifully. I think it would be a big letdown and honestly bad writing to end their arc that way when to this point, it's been about growth and healing.

A well-written character who changes in ways that feel properly paced and genuine is far more compelling than one who essentially stays the same. The "cycle of violence" is already broken with their reunion and reconciliation. Why push their characterization backwards when it's so well situated to continue expanding and evolving?

[mermaidsirennikita]

I really love how the last two episodes of IWTV have this sort of interchangeability between horror/tragedy and humor, and in certain moments the two overlap in the same scenes like with Lestat crying over Louis getting head from someone he knew when he was younger and obviously having had romantic feelings for. There's just SO MUCH to mine with this approach, especially when you consider that even Louis' perspective of Lestat and their relationship changed so significantly in the span of around 50 years in the first and second interview with Daniel.

Yeah, same, I think the show's tonal balance is honestly excellent. To me, it feels like real life--things can be awful but you just kinda have to laugh sometimes. I think the show is great at giving us a deeply supernatural world while keeping the relationships and their issues very grounded in reality.

I also have to call something out lol... I find that people (many of whom I assume are book fans, and the books basically shove Lestat down your throat as THEE BEST because he was Anne's favorite) are so eager to excuse Lestat's behavior that there's already a demonization of Louis occurring...?

And it's like, don't get me wrong, Louis is a flawed person who doesn't always do the right thing; and the shows already explicitly called out his unreliable narration.

However.

(Taking aside the fact that the adaptation is its own thing and you can't assume it'll follow the books beat for beat because it already has not.)

With this specific case--yeah, this was pretty much on Lestat lol. You can't tell someone "yes go fuck other people" WHILE FUCKING AROUND WITH OTHER PEOPLE YOURSELF and then get possessive and upset when they do it. I mean, you can--but like, you're in the wrong. This is a very real thing that moooost people I've known in open relationships go through (and that doesn't mean open relationships are inherently bad, but let's be real, in many cases people who are trying to be open are actually monogamous people who just need to break up or go to therapy together lol) and I think the show was drawing that parallel very deliberately to call out Lestat's toxicity. Does that mean Louis doesn't also have toxic traits? No--they're a toxic couple. They are probably the loves of one another's existence and they are toxic. They are probably meant to be together on some level, and they're toxic. If you're looking for a ship that isn't toxic, this is probably not a story for you.

And beyond this case--while I think that on some levels Louis's narration is deliberately unreliable, yes, I also think there is unconscious unreliability occurring. If you've ever left a rocky relationship, especially a long one--you will give an unreliable narration of that relationship, at times. Because it is fucking fraught. You are emotionally untangling that shit.... sometimes forever.

I would also add that for Louis, I think there's a level of not wanting to get real about how he still feels about Lestat. It is easier to cast Lestat as someone who never really loved him in this narration, because the reality is that Louis knows he did and Louis also loves Lestat--and if Louis loves Lestat, what does that make him?

I mean, I have already seen posts commenting on Louis's resentment of having to publicly act subservient to Lestat with "I know Louis is facing racism, BUT--" And let me tell you... That's where you stop and delete what you're writing, because you've already missed the point. The point is not that Louis is perfect, or that Louis is coming at Lestat fairly all the time--but the power differential in this relationship is MASSIVE. Lestat has societal privileges Louis can't have, AND Lestat is Louis's vampiric parent, essentially, while also being his lover, who knows more about the world of vampirism and immortality and just *life* by merit of having lived a century more than Louis. At the same time, Louis can have some level of existence independently, and even if he has regrets, he won't be crippled by his desire for Lestat... Whereas Lestat cannot be alone, and while I think Lestat's love for Louis is very complex and selfish, I also think that Lestat probably does love Louis more than Louis loves Lestat. Doesn't mean Louis doesn't love Lestat more than other partners he's had or will have... But I do tend to think that in many (most?) relationships, one person loves the other more, and in this one, that happens to be Lestat.

So like, I don't know. If we're already dismissing Louis's extremely valid issues and complaints to prop up Lestat.... what are we doing. This is very much a show about overlapping things, as you said--how both things can be true, how everything with these two is gray.

[chibimyumi]

Hi I have a question if you don't mind I would like to know what your thoughts are on the musical Marie Antoinette and what the story about and what for character Axel von Fersen is and what he does in the story? Thank you for answering my question

Dear Anon,

TOHO’s ‘M.A.’ is either my favourite or second favourite musical EVER. The story and script are SO well written, and the characters feel so real, I have never seen anything like it in the stage media form.

The story focuses on two women with the initials M.A. (Marie Antoinette and Margrid Arnaud). These two women are legit the titular characters and never get their spotlights stolen by others. They are both equally strong and flawed characters in their own rights, no bullshit like ‘she is strong because of GIRL POWER’ or ‘she is strong for the sake of romance’. The writers had the guts to make Marie stupid and Margrid a vicious snake, but also had the skill of never dehumanising either.

I really hope that more people could watch this musical (I offer free English subtitles for A-Version in exchange for proof of legal ownership), so I without spoiling anything essential:

Prologue

This show starts with Fersen receiving news of Marie’s execution. He is well aware that the revolutionaries have grossly dirtied her name for the sake of propaganda, and mourns how the slanders about the Queen will be passed down as canon history. Indeed, the infamous phrases ‘let them eat cake’ or ‘madam deficit’ are what most of us get taught about her, but recent historic research has found that Marie Antoinette was in fact innocent of most claims against her name.

In the prologue, Fersen reminisces about Marie as he knew her, and serves as some kind of narrator of the opening scene. As Fersen sings he brings the audience back in time to meet Marie Antoinette and the events before the revolution broke out.

Main Story

The main story opens on one evening in Paris. Margrid storms into a party organised by Duke d’Orléans where the Queen is also at. Margrid communicates the dire situation the common people are in, hoping that the people with the power to make a difference would open their eyes. The nobility however, seemed most unconcerned, and that event becomes a catalyst of the French Revolution.

Conflict

One of the most amazing things about this musical is the antagonist who wishes to remove the King and Queen, Duke d’Orléans. He has his own view on politics, and just like the people, he can no longer bear to watch France perishing under the incompetence of Louis XVI. This person is the man who would later be known as Philippe Égalité.

He is played by Yoshihara Mitsuo, and the only single actor I have seen in ALL versions that managed to make this ‘villain’ a character so three-dimensional he could be the hero of his own story. In an interview Yoshihara said in accordance with his own performance:

“Can you imagine being the person who has the potential to provide for the French people, but having to witness the country suffer while doing nothing? From d’Orléans’ point of view, if he had not stood up to fight for the legal power to make a difference, he would have been the bad guy here.”

Margrid and d’Orléans decide to cooperate. With intelligence, ambitions and fierce hatred combined, their growing team manage to use the people’s bias against the foreign Queen to turn her into the scapegoat of the toxic monarchy.

Hans Axel von Furusen

Anon, since you asked, I shall do a mini-deep section on Count von Fersen played by Furukawa Yuta. (I only watched the version with Tashiro Fersen once, so I only have an ‘impression’ of him. If you are interested in Tashiro’s Fersen, I trust @wildandwhirlingwords would fill you in on him ^^)

⚠️ If you don’t want to spoiled then stop here! ⚠️

Role

Many would think that Fersen is the love interest of Marie Antoinette, and would therefore fulfill a main role in the musical, perhaps the tragic hero to whom the two M.A.s are the fuel of his heroism. But no, just like I said above, the two M.A.s are the legit titular characters of this production, and Fersen is support cast. Though a phenomenally important role, he never even threatens to take over the main spotlights.

The script for him is relatively minor in comparison to the two leads, but Furukawa’s amazing eye for detail has managed to flesh him out so thoroughly you still know exactly what type of person Furusen is. This ‘fleshed out result’ is something that I have yet to see in any other version of him, even in other musicals, mangas and movies.

Background and Personality

Fersen played by Furukawa is calm, fiercely intelligent, and a jaded war veteran. Having seen the American revolution first hand, he understands the   mechanisms behind mass dissatisfaction and the power of people’s anger. Furusen rushed back to Marie from whom he has separated for years to warn her against the dangers he foresees. As isolated as she is however, Marie cannot manage to understand what the war veteran is warning her against.

“I have witnessed a revolution with my own eyes. I learned that much more than any cannon or rifle, it is thoughts and words that are powerful.”

Except worldly savviness, Furusen is likewise characterised by restraint. As Furukawa himself puts it:

“I tried to approach this role from a platonic perspective. He loves Marie deeply, and he realises very well that only by loving her platonically can she remain safe. Rather than proximity, the more sustainable way of love for them is restraint.”

Indeed, Furusen's love is not a fiery romance, instead it is more akin to courtly love. He constantly tries to maintain a safe distance from the Queen.

Finally Marie and Fersen manage to reunite after many years, and she eagerly grabs for his hand. Furusen’s expression however communicates clear concern, and he respectfully takes a step back.

Furusen is not aloof towards Marie because he doesn’t love her anymore. In a later scene it becomes clear that his restraint is his ultimate display of love; he knows too well how Marie’s reputation can’t afford any more blemishes.

After they sing “because my love for you will never disappear,” Marie attempts to kiss him on his lips, but Furusen quickly dodges, silently reminding the Queen of their respective statuses as Lady and vassal. This is a very noteworthy detail that can only be seen between Furukawa’s Fersen and Sasamoto’s Marie. #HyperDetailedActing

Frustration

Another characteristic of Furusen is his immense frustration. Furusen is constantly desperately trying to find a way to save Marie. But with the ever-growing rumours of Marie whoring around, he finds himself bound hand and foot. If he takes action to help her Marie will be hurt; if he does nothing Marie will also be hurt.

Instead, this famed strategist finds his chances reduced to... being passive-aggressive... After d’Orléans had his first clear victory and the Royal entourage take their leaves, Furusen makes a show out of going up to his foe to warn him. They don’t exchange a single word, but the tension and history between these foes are clear as day.

Furukawa and Yoshihara were very passionate about their roles, and they shared in a talk-show how both of them spent hours together discussing their histories. The amazing chemistry between them cannot be described in words, but the result of their character-building are self-evident in the musical. (Click here for an in-joke between these actors.)

Masculinity and Aura

Furusen displays a very gentle, non-toxic kind of masculinity. As discussed above, he knows when to restrain himself, and he knows when to admit wrong. He is also not shy to show vulnerability, COMMUNICATE, and shed some genuine tears.

Generally he just displays a very elegant type of masculinity, never taking up more space than anybody else. It is very pleasant to watch!

Sass

Furusen is not just elegant though! He also displays a very sassy and sarcastic side that are evidence of his highly critical mind.

In this post I expanded on Furusen’s sass, but to put it very short; Furusen is REALLY funny too. In the race against the clock to evacuate the King and Queen, the King steps out of the carriage and suggests they go for a leisurely picnic, and dismisses Fersen. Unable to defy the King’s command, Furusen then makes a cross while ROLLING his eyes.

So yes, I can’t tell you why exactly M.A. is one of my all time favourite musicals without spoiling the critical things, so I highly, HIGHLY recommend you buy the musical for yourself.

I know this DVD is very expensive, and normally I would not dare suggest anybody just spend this amount of money based on my word. But please, this one will surely NOT disappoint you!

If you really are unsure, @wildandwhirlingwords hosts live-streams from time to time, and she told me she is also willing to take requests if she has the time/capacity. She hosts the streams without subtitles out of respect for me (thank you, dear), but she does give live commentary to explain the essentials. Her blog is absolutely great and contains lots of interesting info about Japanese musicals, and M.A. specifically ^^

Here is the purchase link of Version A (Furukawa x Sasamoto x Sonim) from TOHO Mall.

MASTERPOST How to buy DVDs/BDs, and get Free English subtitles from me.