#armand in the san fran fight knew EXACTLY what buttons to push

[kindaeccentric]

Thinking about Louis' guilt regarding both Paul and Claudia that's stemming not from him thinking he's responsible for their deaths, but from the relief he felt after they died.

With both of them their need for freedom kept putting them in danger, and since Louis was never one to cage them (not sending Paul to an asylum, letting Claudia run away and later kill Lestat so she could go to Europe) he felt a duty to take responsibility for them, follow them around to ensure they're not in trouble, which in turn was limiting his own freedom, turning him bitter, even if subconsciously, because he was ill-equipped to provide the protection they needed.

He could not understand their troubled minds, and even though he loved them dearly, they were a nuisance, a constant source of stress. Especially Claudia, who he picked himself, only to eventually realise he didn't actually enjoy fathering once she grew out of the cute little vampire phase and became her own person, with her own wants and needs.

He wanted to keep both of them alive and safe, he tried his best, even though who he wanted to be, or with whom he wanted to be, couldn't coexist with that obligation.

And yet he would not have said 'yes' to Lestat if Paul was alive. He would not have kept his relationship with Armand much longer if Claudia was alive. And he wanted to. He stayed with Lestat despite suspecting him of causing Paul's death, he stayed with Armand even though he subconsciously always knew the truth that Armand is responsible, because he simply wanted them.

So after Paul and Claudia died he was devastated, but it set him free, deep inside that terrible, unacceptable relief took hold and he became a master of tolerating his own guilt over it, over the realisation that the only thing he can never tolerate in a relationship is not violence against people he loved, but against himself.