#don’t moralize your feelings or deny your distress or desires for how you want your body to look

[soph-ego]

But I *do* want a body that looks like a cis woman's, and I can't just give up striving towards that. So... maybe stop talking over dysphoric trans women.

that reddit brand transfem stuff is so damn suffocating for a new trans girl. you do not have to be a skinny egirl to be pretty. you don't have to have a body that looks like a cis woman's and striving toward that will make you miserable. there are so many fun ways to be a girl you really shouldn't limit yourself

[scuttling]

Long Time Coming

Fandom: Criminal Minds Pairings: Aaron Hotchner/Female Reader Word Count: 6,664 Tags: 18+, NSFW, Dad Bod Hotch, Oblivious Hotch, Flirting, Reader has a few one night stands, Semi-public sex, Unprotected sex, Blow jobs/Face fucking, Hairpulling, Fingering, Praise and degradation, Dirty talk, Accidental reveal of feelings, TW blood/cut Summary: You have been in lust (and love) with Aaron for a while, but his new look sends you off the deep end, and it's enough to make you do some pretty crazy things. *Inspired by @ssamorganhotchner and these three pics. Link to A03 or read below! You are fresh off yet another unsuccessful first date when Aaron wears the new suit. You, Emily, JJ, and Penelope are standing by the coffee maker, complaining about the pitfalls of online dating and how people are never they way they seem when you actually meet in person; you have the carafe in your hand, filling your mug, and when he walks in, face in a case file, his pants so tight you can make out his hips and thighs as clearly as if he were naked… You kind of lose your shit. And your grip.

The carafe shatters when it hits the tile floor, spraying shards of glass and hot coffee everywhere; Emily gasps, Penelope jumps back to avoid the splatter, JJ runs for a broom, and you just stand there, staring at Aaron—at his tight slacks, at his belt, at his shirt, tucked neatly inside, then at his dangling tie, and finally, his worried face.

“Are you alright?” he asks, because you have literally not moved a muscle since he arrived; your boots are covered in coffee—you are thankful you dressed casually today and aren’t wearing heels, or you’d be in a lot of pain—and your heart is racing, but otherwise you feel frozen, unable to move or look away.

You’ve wanted Aaron for a long time, and everyone knows it but him. It’s part of the reason you’re smothering yourself with online hookups and blind dates and one night stands: because he is off limits, and you’re desperately horny for him, and you need to have him fucked out of your mind one way or another.

The new suit further complicates things.

“Fine,” you say after a few more seconds, and JJ comes back with the broom and dustpan, so you bend down to help her clean up your mess. It wasn’t your brightest idea, because you are now at eye level with the tight crotch of his pants, and all you can think of is working the zipper open, pulling him carefully past the fly, sucking him off until those big hands slip into your hair and tug roughly when he comes.

God. You’re going to have to go on another bad date. Or ten.

“New suit?” Penelope asks conversationally, as if you aren’t having a sexual crisis about it three feet away. “Looks good, boss.” Aaron runs his hand down his body self-consciously, but all you see are thick fingers and stomach and hnnngg…

JJ pinches the back of your arm hard, makes a face that screams get it together!!, and you take a deep breath.

“I took some of my old ones in for alterations and the salesman convinced me they were severely outdated. Do you like this style better?”

For some reason, it feels like he’s looking right at you, and you nod, dreamy-eyed, sweep your tongue over your lips.

“Better,” you rasp, and Emily and Penelope agree, probably to take the emphasis off of your slack mouth and dopey one-word answers. You try to help JJ clean up, picking up the larger pieces of glass and dropping them into the dustpan despite her protests—because you are very unfocused, shouldn’t be messing with sharp objects—and when you cut your finger on a piece, she just sighs. Such a mom.

You wince, and Aaron frowns, comes toward you, putting you not only at dick height, but a manageable dick distance, if you were so inclined; really, it’s more if he were so inclined, because you are actually fully prepared to swallow his load right here in front of your friends—all he’d have to do would be snap his fingers and point to his crotch, and the FBI would be suing you for mental distress and using the money to pay for therapy for Emily, Penelope, and JJ.

“Let’s get this cleaned up,” he says, snapping you out of your very elaborate fantasy (typically your fantasies don’t involve court costs, but this is Aaron, so anything is possible.) He wraps his hand around your injured finger and pulls you up to standing with the other, and you just follow along as he leads you over to the sink, turns on the tap to let the water run over your cut. The way you’re looking up at him like he’s the best thing you’ve ever seen has to be painfully obvious, but he just reaches over for the first aid kit, takes out a bandage, and wraps it carefully around the tip of your finger. You sigh.

It may have started out as lust, but you’re pretty sure you’re also in love.

You have got to find a way to get him to notice you as more than just an agent, a teammate, a friend, and so: Operation ‘Get Hotch Out Of His Tight Pants’ begins. You fill the girls in on your master plan, and they fill in Derek and Spencer just so there are more people to laugh at you when you crash and burn, probably. But you’ve got a plan, will be pulling out all the stops, so you might not fail horribly after all. Hopefully.

God, you absolutely cannot fail. You can’t go out with another software engineer with the personality of a peanut or another investment banker who thinks buying you an appetizer means you owe him a blow job in the front seat of his Tesla. You will go fucking insane.

Today’s plan is T for tits, because yours are pretty awesome and almost no one who is attracted to women can resist them. You wear your usual white button down top, but you leave the top two buttons undone, and you add a red, lacy bra for a little additional temptation.

“Here are those consults you asked for,” you say after knocking lightly on the doorframe; Aaron waves you inside. You set them down on his desk, then glance over the open folder in front of him, make a curious noise. “What are you working on up here?”

You walk around his desk, so you’re standing next to him, and lean forward to look over the case file with one hand on the back of his chair and the other pressed against the desk. If he would look over, he would see right down your top, your breasts high and smushed together thanks to the lacy push up… but he looks straight down at the file, taps his pen against it.

“Murders in Detroit. I don’t think we’ll go—they look like mob hits to me, so I’m going to refer the case to Organized Crime.” You hum, turn the file toward you and lean in a little closer, letting your hair spill over your shoulder, the neck of your blouse fall open. Boobs and perfume are usually a one-two punch that is capable of bringing any man to his knees, and while he does turn to look at you, it feels entirely too respectful for your liking. You sigh softly, give up for today, and turn the file back.

“Well you know best, boss. Any time I don’t have to go to Detroit is alright by me.” You flash him a smile, and he reciprocates, and you head back downstairs for a cup of coffee and maybe a stale shame pastry.

The team looks up at you when you approach, and you shake your head.

“No luck,” you mutter, and Derek laughs, crosses his arms over his chest.

“Maybe you’re not very good at flirting. What did you do?” You roll your eyes—your flirting is not the problem, it’s Aaron’s morals and manners or whatever—and walk over to Spencer’s desk, demonstrate with him what you did to Aaron; you put your hand on the back of his chair, toss your hair over your shoulder, lean in, and Spencer swallows hard, licks his lips, and looks abruptly down at his hands. That reaction, you would have gladly taken.

Derek clears his throat, and so does Emily. Hmm.

“I’m good at flirting,” you say, straightening up; Spencer is blushing, and it’s super cute, so you pat him lightly on the head. “Maybe he’s an ass man. I’ll wear a skirt tomorrow and we’ll see if that gets the job done.”

“Good idea,” Derek says, and when you walk past him, he gives you a once over that makes you feel pretty damn good. “In the meantime, why don’t you come and demonstrate on me?”

There’s no denying he is one of the finest men you’ve ever seen in your life, and earlier on in your career you might have taken him up on it—it would have to be better than Marty McTesla, that’s a given—but you know he’s mostly teasing, even if there is a thin layer of actual desire beneath it all. You just fluff your hair and take your seat and mentally flip through your closet to try to come up with an outfit Aaron can’t refuse. You decide on a pencil skirt, because that’s got to be every boss's fantasy, right? You have one you never wear to the office because it’s a little sexy, tight on your hips and ass, with a zipper up the back that you can open a little and use to your advantage. When you walk into the bullpen that morning, JJ whistles, and you grin, do a little twirl.

“Thank you, thank you. This has to work, right?” You turn to face Emily, then turn away from Emily, butt right in her face. “Emily? This will work, right?”

“That’s... definitely going to work,” she murmurs, tapping the cap of her pen against her teeth, and you have to admit you have a good feeling about this one. For as great as breasts are, your ass is your best asset, and if the open top and red bra didn’t work, this has to be your ticket to some sweet, dirty loving, it just has to.

You all head up for the morning meeting, filing into the briefing room, and you give Aaron a soft greeting and a smile just like every day, and then offer to help him pass out whatever stack of papers he’s holding in his hands—fire drills and emergency protocol, or something boring like that. He accepts the help, and you take the fliers, but instead of walking around and handing them to each member of the team like he would, you bend over the table, reach across, and drop the pages in front of everyone.

JJ is the furthest away, and you practically have to climb onto the table to reach her; you grin and wink when she takes the papers out of your hand, and she shakes her head like you’re too much, but when you stand back up to hand Aaron the extras, he doesn’t seem the slightest bit interested.

He thanks you for your help, and you take your seat and listen to him go on about emergency exits and fire extinguishers and seriously start to contemplate moving to Europe to start a new life, or something else equally dramatic.

Because you don’t give up easily, you orchestrate one more attempt to get him to show some interest in you. You know he usually goes downstairs to the cafeteria for lunch, and that the elevator is a jam-packed nightmare because the main stairwell is currently under construction (which is probably why you needed to go over safety protocol, now that you think about it; shutting down the stairwell seems very unsafe.) You usually pack your lunch, but you can go buy an overpriced salad for the sake of your sex drive, so you wait for the elevator when he does, making small talk about your mornings until it dings and arrives on your floor.

He tries to let you in first, gentleman that he is, but that won’t work with your plan, so you insist, earning eye rolls from the other passengers on the elevator. You give Amy from Forensic Accounting a dirty look and then step in after him, lean back against him because there’s really no fucking room to even take a breath.

He’s taller than you, but with heels on your ass still fits pretty nicely against his thighs; a little too nicely, you think, as you get wet just from standing near him in the elevator, the heat of his body through your skirt. You really are a mess.

There are two more floors to go before the cafeteria, and no one gets off, but more people manage to cram into the elevator, which means you press more tightly against him to make room. Someone bumps into you roughly, which makes you unsteady on your feet; Aaron puts his hands low on your hips to keep you from wobbling, and your eyes literally roll back in your head, but he just leans in to mutter, “sorry” into your ear. You say nothing, because you’d probably moan if you opened your mouth, but you shake your head so he knows it’s not a problem.

When everyone gets off downstairs, you hurry to the restroom and don’t look back, turn on the faucet and splash some cold water against your overheated neck and chest. So much for that plan. All you managed to do was work yourself up into a fury.

While you’re in line to pay for your overpriced salad, you open up your dating app and secure yourself drinks with a hot lawyer for tonight. Seduction is clearly not working with Aaron, he’s clearly not interested, and you have to find a way to move on before you have a spontaneous workplace orgasm and get fired from the job you love—all of his tight new suits have been dark so far, but if he shows up in gray, you’re not going to have the will to survive anymore. You have to plan for the worst.

The lawyer is nice enough, but he’s too short, too thin; it’s hard to imagine Aaron’s body weight on top of you when he’s fucking you, but you’re nothing if not resourceful, so you move your hands to his head of thick, dark hair and focus on that—that, and his hot breath against your throat when he comes a little too soon and mutters “sorry” into your ear.

“It’s okay,” you pant, reaching between you to rub your clit. You close your eyes, tip your head back, clench around him; you imagine it’s Aaron inside you instead, and bury your face in his shoulder when you come.

He’s willing to stay, but you explain why it’s better if he leaves, and then you fall back into bed, fumble for your vibrator, and get off again so you’re not too distracted by reality to really enjoy your fantasy.

It’s a little twisted, but it is what it is. You’re standing in the breakroom a few days later, swiping through the dating app and bullshitting with Derek and Penelope, when this guy pops up on your screen. He’s not your usual type, younger and blonder than you prefer these days, a pilot, but something about his profile makes you pause; when it hits you, you blow out a breath and look up at your friends.

“So you guys know Operation ‘Get Hotch Out Of His Tight Pants’ is officially dead in the water,” you begin, and they nod, “and now I’m focusing my energy on trying to get over him. I went on a date with a guy that kind of looked like him, and that didn’t really help, but what if…” You turn your screen to face them; Derek nods like it might be crazy enough to work, but Penelope grimaces.

“No, I don’t think that’s going to work. It might actually be crossing a line,” she says with a frown, and you look to Derek for his input.

“It’s more of a coincidence than anything, right? It’s not like he’s unattractive and this is the only reason you’re going out with him. He’s a good looking guy,” he admits, and you’re really grateful he’s willing to help you rationalize this probably terrible idea into a potentially decent idea.

You send the pilot a message, and he wants to meet up; he suggests a bar near the both of you, and you know it’s risky, but you tell him you happen to make a great gin and tonic and that you have everything you need at home, if he’d like to meet you there instead.

He does, and you don’t even make him that drink, just take off his clothes, get him into your bed.

“That’s right, babe—wanna hear you lose it for me. Say my name, gorgeous,” he groans, fingers digging into your hips as he fucks you from behind, and you close your eyes, fist your hands in the sheets, and give him what he wants.

“Oh, fuck, Aaron. Fuck me harder.” His thrusts are already rough and punishing, but this is the best you’ve felt in a really long time, so you’re eager, desperate for more. “Yeah, Aaron, just like that.”

“Tell me my big cock feels so good in your pussy.” He slaps your ass, and you moan involuntarily, press back against him, panting.

“Your big cock feels so good, Aaron, so good in my pussy. Fuck me, Aaron, destroy me.” He grunts, tenses, and moves his hands to your shoulders, slamming your body tight against his as he comes. “Yes, don’t stop, Aaron, don’t stop,” you plead, hips working together, and when he smacks your ass again you come gasping his name, collapsing against the bed with a breathless sigh.

You feel a lot dirtier than you expected you would, even though it was kind of awesome, and ultimately Penelope was right; it was fun while it lasted, but it didn’t do a damn thing to help you forget about the only Aaron you actually want in your bed. Monday morning, Aaron comes into the office wearing a tight navy suit with a striped white shirt and a navy tie, and you follow him with your eyes from the glass double doors all the way up to his office, mouth open a little. Your eyes get heavy and your breathing picks up, which is the dumbest biological reaction to a man’s ass you’ve ever had—but god, it’s a perfect ass—and JJ has to actually lightly slap your cheek to get you to snap the fuck out of it.

“Are you horny right now?” she asks, a little grossed out. “I can’t handle you.”

“I know you guys all call him a tightass, but I mean, if the pants fit… and god, do they fit.” You pick up a case file and fan yourself with it. “He’s so fucking hot. What am I supposed to do? Getting railed by fake Aaron didn’t do shit; I think I might actually have to transfer.”

“You’re not transferring. You just have to get over it.”

“Are you kidding? She’s like a cat in heat when he’s around,” Derek says with a smirk. “I think I’m getting horny just because she’s horny.”

“Okay, so why can’t I have that effect on him?” you ask with your arms open. “Do you think it’s the pheromones? Maybe they’re incompatible. Smell me—does it turn you on?” you ask Spencer, presenting your neck, and he looks like a deer in the headlights, then leans in to sniff you.

“Uh… you smell nice?” he says with a shrug and a half smile. “I think it’s just your perfume, though.”

“Put your face near her boobs,” Derek says, and Spencer starts to lean in again. “I think the pheromones are stronger there.” He pauses about halfway to your chest.

“Actually, they’re stronger near the genitals, but I don’t think that’s appropriate.”

“What’s going on down there?” You freeze and then turn to look up at Aaron’s office, where he leans against the doorframe; Spencer stands up comically fast, and you take a step back, clearing your throat. Aaron’s scowling—it’s really sexy and it’s making your heart beat in your stupid, traitor pussy—and then he sighs visibly. “We have a case, come on.”

The case is only a half hour away, so you drive, which is horrible, because you are with Aaron and Derek, and Derek lets you sit in the front just to watch you squirm.

It gets bad before you even pull out of the parking garage, because Aaron puts his hand on the back of your headrest to look behind him and reverse the SUV, and you look over at his body—his stomach, his lap, his thighs—and then quickly face forward when he puts the car into drive. You’re flushed, breathing heavily, and when he looks you over quizzically, asks if you’re alright, you just clear your throat and nod.

“Allergies,” Derek supplies from the back, and you mentally thank him for the save, but you kind of also want to smack him for putting you in this position in the first place.

You’re practically turned on the entire ride, even as you go over the details of the case, because his legs are spread and your eyes keep moving to his crotch; at one point, you think you notice his already unfairly tight pants getting a little tighter, but it’s just a trick of light.

By the time you arrive at the precinct, you are more than ready for fresh air, to put some distance between yourself and Aaron. You’re out of the car almost as soon as he turns off the engine, which probably looks weird as hell, but for your sanity you can’t give it too much thought.

The head detective and a junior detective give you a run down on the case while the other half of your team meets with officers at the crime scene. The head detective, a tall, handsome man in his forties, is looking at you like you’re a juicy steak and he hasn’t eaten in months; Derek notices, turns to you with a raised eyebrow and mouths ‘pheromones,’ Aaron is clearly unhappy about the detective’s lack of professionalism, and you couldn’t really care less about the attention. You just want to do your job and go home and touch yourself to thoughts of your boss… as one does.

The local police already have a board made up, so the three of you travel to speak with some witnesses, head back to the precinct, work the tip lines. Aaron seems to be looking at you more than usual, and when you get up to stretch your legs, he’s right behind you, following you out into the hall.

“Are you sure you're alright today?” he asks with a serious expression, hands on his hips. Your mouth waters. “You’ve been acting a little strange.”

“Stranger than normal?” You try to smile, to lighten the mood, but as oblivious as he’s been about everything else, he’s always been able to tell when you try to hide your emotions with humor.

“The last couple weeks? Yes.” He moves a little closer, and you try your best not to let it affect you—or at least not to let it show when it does. “You know by now that you can come to me anytime, for anything.” He doesn’t present it as a question, but it’s clear on his face that he’s looking for an answer.

“I know. I’m going through something… stupid,” you say with a shrug. “Something I should be able to handle, but it’s harder than I imagined.” He frowns, flicks his eyes over your face.

“Let me help you.”

“You can’t; trust me, you can’t,” you say, pleading with your voice, begging him to drop it. “I’ll get through it.” You shut your eyes briefly, exhale, and he reaches down to take one of your hands in his.

“Are you in trouble?” This is the most intimately he’s ever touched you, and it’s not just your body that sings; you know you’re in love with him, have been for a while, but focusing on the horny feelings is easier. It makes it feel like you have less to lose.

“No, it’s nothing like that. I just need some time. Thank you.” You squeeze his hand, and then Derek pokes his head into the hall behind him.

“We got a tip about the unsub barricading a house downtown; the detective is mobilizing SWAT,” he says; when he glances down at your hands, you pull yours softly out of Aaron’s grasp.

“What do you want us to do, boss?” you ask, effectively ending your conversation, and he tells you to get suited up with comms and Kevlar so the three of you can head to the new scene. Aaron is, unsurprisingly, a complete badass, storming the house along with SWAT, you at his side; it’s his way of reminding you that he trusts you, that it can and should go both ways—he is so perfectly predictable, reassuring with gestures over words even in a situation like this one. It does nothing to help you stop wanting him.

He’s a little rough with the unsub (and that doesn’t help either,) looks ruffled and kind of pissed when you climb in the SUV to head back to the precinct. Spencer, JJ, and Emily meet you there, and you take the opportunity to vent about how indescribably good Aaron has looked all day—Spencer bows out of the conversation early, but JJ and Emily are kind enough to listen to your insane, horny ramblings.

“He’s just so hot—he always has been, but the new suits? They’re so tight, and his shirts show off his tummy, and his pants show off his thighs… You guys will never understand the things I want to do to him.”

“Okay, he’s handsome enough, but you’re nasty about it—I can’t handle you,” JJ says, not for the first time. You groan in response.

“How can you say that? Have you fucking seen him? I’m not supposed to think nasty thoughts when he walks around looking like that?”

You feel yourself getting a little out of hand, and Emily and JJ look like they’re trying to shut you up, but you can’t stop yourself. It’s like the floodgates have opened.

“He’s never going to know what I want to do to him… what I want him to do to me. I tried so hard, and he didn’t even look at me. All I wanted to do was get on my knees for him and grab his ass so he could fuck my throat as hard as fucking possible—is that so much to ask for?” You pause, but neither of them say anything, just look scandalized. “I guess I’m going to have to name my vibrator Hotch now, since that’s clearly the closest I’ll ever get to him giving me an orgasm.”

“Do you really mean that?”

You jump a fucking foot, spin around, almost knocking Emily and JJ over in the process; Aaron is in front of you, his brow furrowed, arms crossed over his vest (he hasn’t taken that thing off yet? You threw yours on the table like the minute you got back), and your mouth opens and your eyes close at the same time.

Oh fucking fuck.

“We’re gonna… go,” Emily says awkwardly, and you open your eyes abruptly when Aaron speaks again.

“No, we’re going to go; come with me,” he tells you, and he turns and heads down the hall; you look back at Emily and JJ, swallow hard, and follow him, your heart beating fast.

He steps into a small room with a copy machine, table, shelves of paper and envelopes and other supplies, and closes the door behind you, engages the lock. You are torn between being very worried he’s going to fire you and super turned on, because this is definitely a fantasy you’ve had before.

“Aaron,” you begin, running a hand through your hair. “I’m sorry. I think it was the adrenaline; it makes me run my mouth and I can’t stop it, you know that.” He’s facing away from you, his hands on his hips again, and you can see the way his body moves when he sighs.

“Did you mean it, though?” When he turns to look at you, he doesn’t look angry, he looks… nervous. “Do you want me?” His reaction is unexpected—not great, but not necessarily bad—and you bite your lip, nod.

“Yeah. So fucking bad. And I’m sorry—” That’s as far into your apology as you get before his mouth is on yours, his hands on your face, lips pressing against you for a rough, eager kiss. Your hands move to his waist, pulling him closer by the vest, and he lifts you up onto the table, tugs down the v-neck of your t-shirt, mouths at your throat.

“You think I didn’t look at you?” he says when he pulls away for a breath, tipping your chin down so you’ll look into his eyes. “You think I didn’t see that lacy red bra, your perfect ass bent over in the tight skirt? You think I didn’t feel it pressed against me in the elevator, that I didn’t want to push that skirt up and sink inside you and take you there in front of everyone?”

You moan, chest heaving, twist your fingers in his hair and pull him in for another kiss, dripping and trembling at his admission.

“I would have let you,” you murmur against his lips, and there’s no doubt in your mind that you would have, if that’s what he’d wanted. “I would let you do anything: not just let you, but I’d want it, beg for it. I meant what I said—I’d get on my knees for you, anytime, anywhere, do whatever you want me to do. I want to be yours.”

He catches your mouth in another rough kiss, then puts his hands on your waist, guides you off the table, and flips open his belt, the fly of his pants.

“Oh god. What are you doing?” you ask, and he slides down his zipper, pulls you with him until his back hits the door.

“I’m giving you what you asked for,” he rasps, staring into your eyes, his gaze smoldering. It’s so fucking hot your pussy clenches.

You lick your lips, drop to your knees on the tile floor so hard it hurts, tug his pants open and pull out his thick, hard, veiny cock.

Your dreams and fantasies did not do it justice.

“Fuck. Thank you,” you mumble, looking up at him, and he wraps his hands in your hair, pulls tightly. You moan just from that and the heft of him in your hand. “Thank you.”

“Shh.” He scrapes his fingers over your scalp, hums as you start stroking him, licking the head. “Don’t thank me—I should be thanking you, beautiful, perfect girl. In what world do I get this?” There are lots of things you want to say to that, but you’ve waited long enough, will have to say them later.

You lick your lips, collect lots of saliva, and take him into your mouth, get your hands on his ass and dig your nails in. Aaron groans, tightens his fingers in your hair, and when you look up at him it feels like a fever dream, like it’s not real but a delicious figment of your imagination.

For a minute or two, you stroke him with a tight, wet mouth, and it’s got you aching between your legs, but he’s supposed to be fucking your throat, technically, if he’s giving you what you asked for. You pull off, tell him that, and he tugs your head back roughly, guides you back onto his cock and starts thrusting into your mouth, earning vibrating moans around it.

“God, you’re so perfect. How long have you been thinking about this? How long have you touched yourself to the thought of me fucking your pretty face?” He picks up the pace, pushes deeper when he sees you can handle it, and you squeeze his ass, feel your eyelids flutter as he uses your mouth, pulls your hair. “Are you a whore for me?” he grinds out, and the moan that rips from your throat is inhuman, embarrassing, and absolutely accurate. “Yes you are, baby, yes you are. My pretty whore, on your knees, mouth stretched wide and filled with cock.”

You’ve never been so turned on from a blow job, but this is Aaron, hot and dirty and forceful, everything you imagined and more. You squeeze him tighter, encourage rougher treatment, and he presses his hands against the back for your head, slams his dick in so deep it aches; you don’t gag, but it’s a near thing, and when he pulls you off you gasp for breath and whimper at the loss at the same time.

“Enough of that, baby. You were perfect, so good for me, almost choking on my cock, but I bet your pussy is wet and aching. Do you want me inside it?”

“Holy—yes, fuck, please. Please,” you breathe, and he helps you to your feet and then pushes you against the door, gets your pants down. His rough treatment has you whining, gripping the hair on the back of his head, and you kick off your boots and socks so you can step out of your pants completely. “Keep all this on,” you tell him, pants and shirt and tie and Kevlar vest and all, and he nods, kisses you deeply, presses two fingers inside you.

“Fuck,” he groans when you receive him easily, soft and wet and open, and he uses his free hand to sweep down your top, slipping the buttons loose so he can get a better view of your tits and black lace bra that’s holding them. “So beautiful, and finally mine,” he mutters against your throat, and you whine, let your head fall back against the door, and give in to the pleasure of his thick fingers moving inside you.

“Finally mine,” you murmur, tugging his hair, slamming down against his hand, and when you come it’s like a miracle; you cry out, clamp down, and wrap your free hand around his bicep and squeeze until you’re lightheaded, dazed, desperate for another.

You kiss, deep and passionate and filthy, and Aaron slides his fingers into your mouth, pumps them a few times, then kisses you again.

“Good girl. Are you ready for my cock now?” You pant, gasp, and nod your head, and he pushes your shirt off your shoulders, lifts your legs so you’ll wrap them around his waist, and pushes inside you. You both moan, kiss, moan again, and then you wrap your arms around his broad back, hook your fingers in his vest, and hold on while he pounds your body roughly against the door.

“Oh, Aaron, fuck. Yeah. Want you to slam your body against mine; want to feel it, want to feel all of you.” He looks into your eyes, breathing hard, fucks up into you, hands on your ass, his hips and torso pinning you in place.

“Sweet, pretty, slutty girl,” he pants, spreading you open and shoving himself inside your pussy. “You tried tempting me, and oh, did it work. I might not have shown it…” He ducks in to kiss the base of your throat and you cling tighter, rock against his hips. “But it worked. You dressed like a whore just for me, just so I’d notice you; do you I know went home and stroked my cock and came with your name on my lips?”

“Holy shit. That’s so hot.” You move a hand to his hair again, can’t not thread your fingers there now that it’s allowed. “Could have fucked me like this then. Could have come in my pussy, not your hand.”

“We’ll make up for lost time,” he promises, and he thrusts up with his whole body, so you can feel it pressed against yours—shoulders, chest, stomach, all the very best parts of him. “I’m not too much for you? Can you take it?”

“Perfect for me,” you gasp, holding tightly to his vest at his shoulder and his shirt at his hip, bouncing into his thrusts. “So perfect, want you. I can take it. I can take it, Aaron.” Your mouths meet for a messy, hot kiss, lots of tongue, and you groan. “Give it to me, give it all to me.”

He bends his knees a little more, fucks you so rough and hard your mouth falls open and all you can do is whimper, clutch him, gracelessly kiss back when he presses his lips to yours.

He comes first, holds tightly to your hip and pumps inside you, fills you and then some, so it drips out while he’s still inside. It feels sinful, even after everything, and with a few rough drags of his palm over your lace covered nipple, you tighten and grip him and gasp out his name.

You both slow, and then he turns you, leans back against the door for a little relief after holding you up for so long. He nuzzles into your hair, and you bury your face in his neck, and you kiss soft and sweet until you’re feeling stable enough to hop out of his arms and put your clothes back on. He rights his as well, and when you’re both put together he wraps you up in a hug, kisses you, holds you with soft hands on your cheeks.

“I really have waited so long for this.” He brushes his lips over yours, and you sigh. “You never indicated… I was trying to be professional. Then out of nowhere you were leaning over my desk and bending over the table, and I was a little blown away.” You nod, can see that, pull him down for a kiss.

“It’s the goddamn suits,” you say with a half smile, and he gives you a curious look. “Your new, better fitting suits? They fit you so fucking well it’s almost illegal; I’m thinking of pursuing charges against your tailor for reckless endangerment on behalf of my libido, and the coffee carafe, and my poor, worn out vibrator.” He chuckles, hugs you closer, squeezes you so tightly against his body you almost pass out from all the good things you feel.

“Maybe we can strike a deal,” he murmurs, pushing your hair back behind your ear, and you bite your lip, nod.

“Yeah, I’m sure you’ll think of something you can do to make it worth my while.” After a little more hugging and kissing, the two of you figure it’s time to emerge from the supply closet; you don’t see your team anywhere, which surprises you, but when you get to your phone and pull up your texts, it all makes sense.

Derek: Congrats on the sex. The four of us headed home because no one wants to ride with the two of you and your pheromones.

Emily: Yay, you did it!! Drinks on me next time we go out!

JJ: You guys are loud; don’t make a habit of that.

Penelope: I hear congrats are in order! And by hear, I don’t mean hear. There’s NOT an audio clip or anything, so don’t worry about that!!

Spencer: Emily took an audio clip. Is it normal for girls to enjoy being called a whore? You don’t have to answer that.

You take a very deep breath, give him the gist of the messages—you’re on your own, they heard at least part of it, there is some potentially damning evidence that needs to be destroyed—and you leave the precinct to head home in a better mood than you’ve been in in a very long time.

Aaron takes you out for a late dinner, and he spends the night at your place, falls asleep warm and solid and very naked in the middle of your bed.

Taglist ❤️: @thaddeusly @arsonhotchner @mrsh0tchner @ssahotchie @sleepyreaderreads @mintphoenix @meghannnnnn @disgruntledchowchow @azenpal @g-l-pierce @my-rosegold-soul @ssamorganhotchner @heliotropehotch @angelhotchner @qtip-blog @gspenc @wishuhadstayed @averyhotchner

[delicioussshame]

Sugar daddy AU: new chapter. That’s it, that’s the fic.

The world has never stopped spinning for Shen Yuan before, so why would it now?

He’s sure Luo Binghe is thrilled with his current situation. If he really wanted to create a perfect bubble where he would be the center of Shen Yuan’s universe, he has succeeded beyond his wildest dreams. He’s been all Shen Yuan has been able to think about. The moral conundrum of considering whether you’re attracted to your former student, and if so, whether you can and should accept his affection, has been dominating his every moment. Each time he thinks that yes, he could see himself allowing this, allowing Luo Binghe the more he has so visibly been craving, he falters. In a way, it seems like a culmination of all his failures; a failed career he’s a disgrace to and a return to values he’d sworn to leave behind with his family.

But maybe, just maybe, Binghe would be worth it. Shen Yuan thinks if anyone could make those concerns seem ridiculous with only the power of their presence by his side, it would be Luo Binghe.

All his hesitations don’t stop his heart from freezing in his chest where the school sends an email regarding his teaching plan for the upcoming term.

It takes him a few minutes to calm down, to ride the wave of anxiety that returning to the beat of regular employment brings. He hasn’t looked forward to returning to class for years, but after those sweet weeks spent doing nothing but relaxing? Facing coworkers that were at best indifferent, at worst downright abusive for the sake of disinterested students is such an unappealing prospect that it almost gives him nausea.

He’s been too spoiled. Shen Yuan normally spends the summer working part-time jobs to make ends meet. This year, Luo Binghe had swiped all those worries away. One of the first things he’d done was tell Shen Yuan that he’d be paying his rent for now, like he would be providing for all his other needs. Shen Yuan had protested, but he’d known it was pointless. How was he supposed to stop Luo Binghe from sending money to his landlord?

Without those preoccupations, Shen Yuan had permitted himself freedom from work in general. He had spared not a thought to that most unpleasant matter. His romantic life, if it could be called that, had demanded all his attention.

Now, enough was enough. This had been fun, but Shen Yuan had a job to do. No matter how much he dreads it, he has to review his lesson plan.

Such is life.

_________________

It takes Luo Binghe only one cursory look at Shen Yuan to notice something went very, very wrong. His dear teacher is tense, hunched over his desk, hand on his forehead as if he’s trying to hold a headache at bay. Shen Yuan hasn’t appeared this stressed since he set foot inside Luo Binghe’s home. He radiates distress like he did that day, when Luo Binghe went to visit him and found him on the verge of collapse.

Back then, all he wanted was to stop that collapse.

That conviction has never faltered.

Gently, Luo Binghe taps Shen Yuan’s shoulder. “Laoshi?”

Shen Yuan doesn’t turn. “Binghe, not now. I’m busy.”

Luo Binghe glances at the document he’s worked on, and swears inwardly. Is all it took to reverse all the progress they made a reminder of that dreaded job?

Shen Yuan isn’t going back, and that’s final. “Why is Laoshi wasting his valuable time on this? Doesn’t he trust his Binghe?”

Shen Yuan turns toward him, annoyance visible on his face. “What does trust have to do with this?”

He stays firm. “I told Laoshi all I wanted was for him to be happy and healthy. I promised I would do anything for this to happen. His job doesn’t make him happy. Why would he return to it? He still has a few days to send his notice in time. He can leave the school behind and stay with me instead.”

Shen Yuan rolls his eyes. “Binghe, don’t be ridiculous.”

“I’m not. I see no reason why Laoshi should go back when he doesn’t need to work.”

“I do need to work. I can’t rely on Binghe’s good will for the rest of my life. Sooner or later, he’ll get tired of paying for an old man and will look to buy a younger, sweeter companion.”

There is so much wrong with this sentence Luo Binghe is struck silent. Shen Yuan knows better than this. He’s just in too fool a mood to act like it.

He regains control of himself. “First, Laoshi must never talk of himself like he’s a passing fancy I feel like throwing money at. It’s insulting both to yourself and to my love for you. Second, he can rely on me however he wants to. If he’s not secure with his current position, that can be dealt with. I will happily pay whatever lawyer he chooses to draft any arrangement he deems agreeable. I can transfer him a set amount of money each week that he can manage at his discretion. I can also give him a lump sum, significant enough that if something were to happen, he could live by himself, though he’s already my will’s sole beneficiary. Work is unnecessary.”

At this, Shen Yuan shakes. “I’m sorry? Did you just say that in the event of your death, you’re leaving me everything? Me?”

Luo Binghe doesn’t know why Shen Yuan is so surprised. “Who else? Laoshi knows I have no family. I have no plan to die before Laoshi, but if it were to happen, that’s no reason not to keep my promise.” It won’t, of course. Luo Binghe won’t allow it.

“Are you serious? That’s something you do for a spouse, not a dumb childhood crush.”

He genuinely thought they were over this. “Laoshi isn’t a crush. He’s someone I’ve been in love with for since I was a teenager. Didn’t I say I wanted him by my side at all times? I planned consequently.” If Shen Yuan wants children, modifications will be made to the will, but this won’t be happening anytime soon. For now, Luo Binghe wants him all to himself.

“I… We’re not even a couple yet! Binghe is being reckless! If he’s this open, what’s stopping me from fleecing him for all he’s got and leaving him destitute!”

Luo Binghe laughs, encouraged by the “yet”. “Laoshi would never. He’s too good a man to do such a thing.”

“I could! Binghe thinks he knows me so well, but the truth is he doesn’t. He’s got this image of me as a saint, as a person without flaws nor desires, but he’s wrong. Every day, I take advantage of Binghe’s kindness.”

Shen Yuan is the one who doesn’t know himself. “Taking what’s freely offered is not taking advantage.”

“It is when no sane person would make the offer!”

“Does Laoshi think me insane, then?”

“Well, no. I know Binghe is very smart.”

“Then why not trust I know what I’m doing?”

“Because you don’t!”

This is going nowhere. “I know exactly what I’m doing. I’m making Laoshi happy by keeping him from a job that is killing him.” He sighs. “If Laoshi absolutely feels like he needs to earn his own income, I will support him until he finds a decent job, or will pay for his continued education so that he can find something better, but I would much, much prefer he doesn’t bother. It’s stress he doesn’t need, for no reason. I just cannot accept his return to a school that has only one good point: him. It’s not good for him. As I said earlier, whatever he needs as collateral to feel safe, I’m willing to provide, as long as he does what’s best for himself.”

Shen Yuan looks speechless.

Luo Binghe doesn’t flinch.

“Every time I think Binghe must be fooling himself, or fooling me, he goes and does something like this, something that no one else would do, as if to prove his honesty. He makes me feel like an idiot.”

“That must be novel. I imagine someone as wonderful as Laoshi doesn’t feel that way often.”

“Just most days of my life.”

“Then his life must change. Laoshi should only feel good.” Which is something Luo Binghe would gladly help with, no matter when and where.

He takes Shen Yuan’s hand in his; presses a chaste kiss to the top of it. “Please. Don’t go.”

Silence rests heavy on his shoulders for a while, until Shen Yuan breaks. “I’ll consider it.”

Luo Binghe embraces him and decides to wait.

_________________

The notice is sent two days later.

_________________

One moment Luo Binghe is preparing to go to bed, the next Shen Yuan, still damp from the shower, sits on his lap and kisses him.

It takes Luo Binghe negative one second to respond in kind, to open his mouth and to kiss back, his arms snaking around Shen Yuan’s waist to pull him closer and keep him there. Laoshi is the one who initiated! Luo Binghe can’t allow him to take it back.

Not that it seems like he will. Shen Yuan doesn’t struggle at all as Luo Binghe deepens the kiss, as his hands find the buttons of Shen Yuan’s sleeping shirt and open a trail he follows with his mouth. His laoshi’s breath fastens as Luo Binghe acquaints himself with his chest, fingers dancing over his ribs and down the gentle curve of his back.

Such good behavior has to be rewarded.

He does lift his eyes to Shen Yuan’s before removing his pants.

His beloved doesn’t say a word as he turns his gaze away demurely, but the caress in Luo Binghe’s hair speaks volumes, as does the seductive way he opens his thighs. If Shen Yuan has finally accepted his advances, how could Luo Binghe refuse him?

There are so many things Luo Binghe dreamed of doing to his Laoshi. He wants to spend hours worshipping him, keeping him in a state of unforgiving arousal until he begs for release. He wants to prepare him carefully and take him gently, painlessly, until all of Shen Yuan’s stress has left him and he’s barely conscious. He wants to fuck him until he screams. He wants to ride him languorously, for hours on end, until his body has taken the shape of Shen Yuan and no one else’s. He wants to be tied to the bed and used until he’s crying for mercy, and then be denied that mercy. He wants to go to work wearing the mark of Shen Yuan’s teeth high on his neck proudly, knowing his laoshi is wearing the exact same mark at home. He wants to fill him up with a remote-controlled toy and bring him to ecstasy during those interminable board meetings that would at least have a purpose, for once.

But for now, all he wants is to get to know all of Shen Yuan.

Shen Yuan startles when Luo Binghe presses a kiss to his rapidly filling length, but he doesn’t protest. Good for him, because Luo Binghe isn’t sure he could have stopped. Not when he finally gets to find out how he tastes, how he sounds, how beautiful he looks when he flushes from pleasure.

He moans around him when Shen Yuan’s fingers twist into his hair. Shen Yuan could fuck his throat anytime, if he wanted to. Luo Binghe wouldn’t mind choking for him.

Maybe he could overcome that reflex with practice.

He would love to try.

It takes little time for Shen Yuan to groan and try to pull him off, which is a futile endeavor. Like Luo Binghe is going to waste any gift of Shen Yuan.

He greedily swallows it all down when Shen Yuan bites back his student’s name and digs his nails into Luo Binghe’s scalp.

Luo Binghe has never been this hard. “Laoshi, Shen Yuan, please.” He’d take anything. He’d rut against his leg if Shen Yuan would allow him to. “Please.”

Shen Yuan is bright red when his beautiful hand wraps around Luo Binghe’s cock, pulling and stroking in an awkward, unexperienced hold that Luo Binghe knows he’ll never get enough of. Just the sight of those white fingers on his feverish skin is enough to enthrall him. How is he going to last when they grow skilled? He’ll embarrass himself like the teenager he isn’t anymore! Even now, it takes all he has to last a few minutes.

He thought no sight could be fairer than Shen Yuan in pleasure, but the view of his fingers and chest covered in Luo Binghe’s come is so overwhelming Luo Binghe wishes his love was the type to allow for recording. If it were his face despoiled so… Luo Binghe would probably not soften at all.

Hopefully Shen Yuan will let him.

Another time. While Luo Binghe himself could easily keep on going for the rest of the night and the day after, what has happened tonight was probably a lot to ask of shy, proper Shen Yuan. Luo Binghe tries to soothe his exaltation, instead exploding in praises and endearments for his visibly embarrassed lover.

Luo Binghe ignores his attempts at distancing himself, instead holding him in his arm until Shen Yuan quiets and closes his eyes, waiting for sleep to take him.

_________________

Well, that happened.

It wasn’t… It was fine.

Okay, it was more than fine. One can only lie to themselves for so long. Luo Binghe is devastatingly handsome and convinced he loves Shen Yuan, for some reason. He’s not immune to that much charm!

He was kind. Shen Yuan had been as mentally prepared as he could be to find himself pushed on his back and taken, but Luo Binghe had waited.

Shen Yuan fully expects it will happen sooner or later. He’ll deal then. It will be hard on him, because quite honestly, he’s not sure anyone on Earth is built the right way to accommodate Luo Binghe, but he’ll do it. Binghe deserves it.

If he’s that serious about providing for Shen Yuan, he should get his money’s worth. Shen Yuan couldn’t live with himself otherwise.

[alj4890]

Prompt Request

(Thomas Hunt x OC*Amanda) with the prompt, "Well...that was mean." as requested by @krsnlove​ in celebration of 500 followers.

(Thomas Hunt x OC*Amanda) as taken from the Choices: Red Carpet Diaries/ Regency AU storyline, None But You

A/N For my BFF who loves Regency romance just as much as I do, I'm going back to the series she encouraged me on (pretty much like she does with all my crazy ideas) for this prompt. I adored how perfect Thomas Hunt seemed in this time period. His proud, abrupt ways were made for the early 1800s. For this one, we will go even further back to Thomas and Amanda's courtship that wasn't quite a courtship 😂

@graceful-popcorn​   @krsnlove​   @alleksa16​   @hopelessromantic1352​     @emceesynonymroll​​   @buzz-bee-buzz​   @hopefulmoonobject​    @rainbowsinthestorm​   @lxaah11​   @my-heart-beats-for-ya​ @everythingmarvelsherlockspn @friedherringclodthing​   @aworldoffandoms​   @ab1901​  @sophxwithers​

Masterlist

Inclinations

Lord and Lady Clifford's Ball, London...

"Oh!" Millie gripped Amanda's arm. With a jut of her chin, she hissed, "Can you believe the gall of Ms. Timmons? Look at her! That is the fifth time within the last few minutes that she has walked past Lord Summers and Lord Hunt."

Amanda covered her mouth with her fan when Millie compared the unfortunate young lady to a peacock strutting about to show off her plumage.

"If she adjusts her curl once more over her shoulder..." Millie glared at the spectacle. "I've never seen a lady more determined to catch a rich husband."

"Have you not?" Amanda managed to say without laughing. "Isn't that the point to coming to London for The Season? Aren't we all attempting to land ourselves a husband who assures us a life of comfort and security?"

"Hmph." Millie flicked open her own fan and began to use it vigorously. "Be that as it may, we at least attempt to attract gentlemen with decorum." A smile formed. "Of course, you don't have to worry about such a thing anymore."

"I do have to worry about it." Amanda argued. "No man has made me any promises or given any declarations."

"My dear friend," Millie linked her free arm with Amanda's, "some gentlemen make declarations without saying a single word." She gestured with her fan towards Thomas. "I've seen him attend more outings and balls since you first arrived than in the past two years that I have taken part in ton’s gatherings."

Amanda shook her head while her heart began to hope that her friend wasn't simply exaggerating the viscount's surprising appearance once more.

He had at past parties and balls admitted to her that he did not enjoy such and preferred the quiet life at Kirkwood Manor, his estate in Norfolk.

She wondered if he was attending these to see her.

Perhaps, then again, perhaps not.

He had not sought her out this evening for a dance nor for conversation. He had locked eyes with her from across the room and then bowed his head in greeting, but other than that he had not so much as glanced her way.

Which as much as Lady Amanda despised herself for her weakness for him, she had still peeked over at him whenever she could.

Could he possibly feel as I do?

She wished with all her heart that he felt the same for her.

"Pardon me, my lady, but may I request a dance?"

Amanda blinked and refocused on a gentleman she had only seen in passing. "Yes of course, my lord." She handed over her dance card.

*****************

"Do stop glaring, Kirkwood." Ryan insisted. "You'll scare all the ladies off if you're not careful."

Thomas merely shrugged while surreptitiously glancing over at the reason he had journeyed once more into yet another matchmaking mothers' den.

Lady Amanda Bridgerton was smiling and laughing at whatever Lady Millicent Rawlings was saying. Thomas felt his own lips curve upwards when she used her fan to try to hide her amusement.

Her happiness brought a warmth to his heart.

"There now." Ryan patted Thomas on the back. "That wasn't so hard was it?"

"What are you blabbering about now?" Thomas bit out.

"And it's gone." Ryan shook his head and heaved a deep sigh. "Why do you persist in staying away from her?"

"From whom?" Thomas nearly bit his tongue for tempting his friend into pointing out once again that he felt something more for the dark haired lady standing on the other side of the ballroom.

"Hunt." Ryan shook his head in resignation. "Why do you insist on tormenting yourself?"

"Tormenting?" Thomas chuckled as he took a sip of his drink. "I see you are finally seeing these balls in the same light as I do."

"That wasn't what I meant. I intended for you to leave my company for the one you prefer." Ryan grinned at the frustrated anger forming on his friend's face. He couldn't resist adding, "You cannot deny that Lady Amanda's is the one you desire above all others."

Thomas turned his attention once more toward the subject that he was having difficulty ignoring.

"Let's see now." Ryan continued. "I believe you have complimented her intelligence. I have overheard you mention how lovely her appearance is. Ah! And let's not forget that a moment with her has you smiling and even chuckling upon occasion."

"Absurd." Thomas huffed. "Once again, Summers, you turn a mere friendly admiration into some frivolous love story that young girls are want to dream about." He hmphed while studying Amanda. "I do worry about your mind at times. It is becoming even sillier than the ladies twittering about during their first season."

"Well...that was mean." Ryan's rich laughter drew attention to the two of them. "I believe I will find someone to soothe my damaged feelings with a dance."

Thomas rolled his eyes as Lord Summers finally took pity on the unfortunate Ms. Timmons and her efforts to try and gain such an offer from one of them.

Then he noticed their hosts' younger son, who just so happens to have a highly suspect reputation, approach Amanda.

Cursing under his breath, he began to make his way over to her side.

****************

"Shall we?" Lord Roderick Clifford held his hand out toward Amanda.

She smiled and began to take it, only for her hand to be captured in an all too familiar grip.

Her eyes widened at Thomas's nerve.

Millie simply beamed at his actions.

"This is my dance." He said, tucking her hand within the bend of his arm. "You'll have to forgive my tardiness, I was caught in an unfortunately long conversation with Summers."

Roderick merely cocked an eyebrow. "Your name was nowhere on her dance card."

"An oversight of my own, I assure you." Thomas brushed past him, pulling a bemused Amanda in his wake.

Once clear of being overheard, she squeezed his arm.

"I don't recall you requesting a dance from me this evening, Lord Hunt."

"Like I said earlier," he took her into his arms and began to waltz, "it was an oversight on my part."

She shook her head while fighting back a delighted smile. "I do not know what to think of you at times."

"Am I that difficult to figure out?" His frown softened. "I think I am a fairly average gentleman."

"Nothing about you is average, my lord." Her smile grew when she noticed the flush upon his cheeks. "You are an intelligent and interesting gentleman to be sure and yet you rarely converse with others here." She tilted her head as if pondering this great mystery. "Why is that?"

His lips parted then closed. His brow furrowed for a moment. "I suppose it is because I do not enjoy striking up conversations with people I do not know well."

"You struck up one with me when we first met." She reminded him. A soft laugh escaped her lips. "And every moment since then with you only proves that anyone would be fortunate to engage in discussions with you."

His lips curved once more as he held her gaze. "I think of the two of us, it is you that anyone would be fortunate to talk to. You have that rare gift of putting one at ease as he tries to speak."

She beamed at him. "That is a lovely compliment. Thank you for that, Lord Thomas."

He had to bite back the many other compliments that came to mind as he looked upon her. "It was merely the truth, nothing more."

"Just the same." She insisted. "Thank you."

He nodded and happened to glance up to see Ryan's smug smile nearby.

Glaring at the reminder that he had only proven his friend correct, he guided Amanda a few steps away from his nosy friend.

"I meant to ask you, is there something about Lord Clifford I should avoid?"

He focused once more upon the lady in his arms. "Yes, he er..."

Thomas wondered how to delicately say that the man was practically living at some of the brothels that some gentlemen amongst the ton preferred to visit. If not for his elder brother and father physically removing him from such a disreputable establishment, he doubted the man would be wooing ladies in a ballroom this evening.

The thought of Lady Amanda stuck with such a man for even a dance had not sat well with him. It was becoming hard enough to see morally respectable men waltz with her, much less one not fit to even touch her hand.

"His activities of late have caused a strain amongst his family and those close to him."

Her eyes narrowed somewhat as she tried to guess what the man had done.

"Is it," she lowered her voice to a whisper, "gambling?"

"No, though he is a prolific gambler." Thomas muttered.

"Is it--"

"It is not a topic for ladies' ears." He blurted out.

Her eyes widened. There was only one topic that young ladies without a husband were forbidden to discuss.

Her cheeks burned as she lowered her eyes. "I see."

Thomas relaxed somewhat once he saw she was not going to bring Lord Roderick up anymore.

"That's why you insisted on dancing with me." Amanda mumbled.

He blinked at the disappointment he heard in her voice.

Could she have actually wanted to dance with such a libertine?

Amanda sighed over the fact that Thomas was merely acting the gentleman once more. There was no true interest in his lying about this being his dance other than his chivalrous nature needing to protect an innocent lady.

She began to wish that he didn't see her as some damsel in distress in need of a knight to charge in and save her from unsavory men at every single turn.

She wished...it was foolish to wish for something that wasn't there nor would ever be. There was no jealousy or need to be by her side.

He simply was a true gentleman.

"I had planned on asking you to dance earlier." Thomas said, wondering at her despondent expression. "And in all honesty, I was looking forward to continuing our discussion on Persuasion."

She nodded. Of course. The book he insisted she read without spoiling the ending was his true interest.

She forced a smile. "Captain Wentworth, in my opinion, is a character who is determined to make himself miserable."

Thomas nearly missed a step as they made another turn about the ballroom. "What makes you think that?"

"His attempts to keep away from Ann, yet keeps finding himself drawn closer whenever he sees her or hears her voice." She raised her eyes back to his. "Why would he do such a thing, hurting them both in the process, when it is obvious she would welcome his affection?"

Thomas swallowed. "Perhaps...perhaps Captain Wentworth doubts that he could truly hold her heart. He needs to protect himself, even to the point of heartache knowing that Ann is the only one who could truly wound him."

"But he is missing out on a chance for true happiness." Amanda slowed her steps as the music began to die down.

Thomas kept her hand in his as he led her off the floor. "He is a fool." He turned back toward her. "It seems a man's inclination to be foolish when presented with the very object he yearns for most in the world. He at first doubts it's existence then fights against the very notion that it is all he truly needs. Then once the realization strikes, he is at a loss at taking the first step to secure his happiness."

Amanda took a step closer to him, inexplicably drawn by the emotion in his dark eyes. "Do you think that you would ever behave in such a manner when shown what your heart wants most?"

His grip on her hand tightened as he raised it to his lips. "I might be the most foolish of them all." He bowed his head to her. "Thank you for the dance, my lady. I hope that you will find it in your heart to save me another one when next we meet."

Thomas reluctantly released her hand and quickly left the ball.

[oddcoupler222]

Do you have any book recs like yours and w. epic love scenes like yours?

I appreciate anything I’ve written being called epic in any way :) 

I don’t really know if I could accurately compare any books I’ve read to my own but I do have some book recs that I adore! I’ll give you my top ten lesfics for some variety

- Behind the Green Curtain by Riley LaShea (my ultimate fave romance)

When Caton’s sleazy boss offers her a position as his wife’s personal assistant, she accepts the job with reservations, certain Jack Halston has ulterior motives. After meeting Jack’s wife Amelia, though, it’s Caton’s motivations that begin to unravel. As vicious as she is beautiful, Amelia threatens Caton’s position and her sense of decorum. As the attraction between the two women spirals into a torrid affair, Caton is drawn deeper into Jack and Amelia’s world of privilege and prestige, where everything is at stake and nothing is what it seems. 

- All That Matters by Susan X  Meagher

Life is going damned well for Blair Spencer. She's a very successful real estate agent, happily married to a man who encourages her to live the independent life she loves; and they're actively working to have a baby. The wrench in the works is that Blair favors adoption, while her husband David desperately wants to have a biological child. The fates are against them, and they finally seek the help of a group of reproductive specialists. One of the doctors, a surgeon named Kylie Mackenzie, eventually becomes a good friend to Blair. And she needs all of the friends she can get when things start to go horribly wrong at home. As her marriage teeters on the brink of collapse, she relies more and more on Kylie's friendship. Kylie's happily gay; Blair's happily straight. But the way they structure their relationship leads friends and family to privately question whether the pair is setting themselves up for heartache. They eventually come to a crossroads, which could either destroy their friendship or turn it into what each of them has been seeking. The question is whether each woman can change her view of herself and her needs. The answer is all that matters.

- Alone by EJ Noyes 

Half a million dollars will be Celeste Thorne’s reward for spending four years of her life in total isolation. No faces. No voices. No way to leave.

Since Celeste has never really worried about being alone, the generous paycheck she’ll receive for her participation in the solitary psychological experiment seems like easy money.

When she finds an injured hiker in the woods bordering her living compound, her strictly governed world is thrown into disarray. But even as she struggles with the morality of breaking the rules of the experiment, Celeste can’t deny her growing attraction to the kind and enigmatic Olivia Soldano. Still, how much can you really trust a stranger? And how much can you trust yourself when you know all the faces you’ve seen and voices you’ve heard for the past three years have only been your imagination?

But what’s real? Celeste’s reality may lie somewhere between the absolute truth and a carefully constructed deception. (the concept of this is just INcredible. and the execution as well - perfect)

- The Goodmans by Clare Ashton

The lovely doctor Abby Hart lives in her dream cottage in the quintessential English border town of Ludbury, home to the Goodmans. Maggie Goodman, all fire and passion, is like another mother to her, amiable Richard a rock and 60s-child Celia is the grandmother she never had. But Abby has a secret. Best friend Jude Goodman is the love of her life, and very, very straight. Even if Jude had ever given a woman a second glance, there’d also be the small problem of Maggie – she would definitely not approve. But secrets have a habit of sneaking out, and Abby’s not the only one with something to hide. Life is just about to get very interesting for the Goodmans. Things are not what they used to be, but could they be even better? (there are not one but TWO perfectly written romances intertwined in this *chef kiss*)

- Pretending in Paradise by M Ullrich

When travelwisdom.com assigns PR specialist Caroline Beckett and travel blogger Emma Morgan to cover a hot new couples retreat, they're forced to fake a relationship to secure a reservation. Ten days in paradise would be a dream assignment, if only they'd stop arguing long enough to enjoy it. Reputations are Caroline's business. Too bad she was forced out of her previous job when an ex smeared hers all over the office grapevine. She's never getting involved with a coworker again, especially not one as careless and unprofessional as Emma. Emma knows that life is too short to play by the rules. But when she goes too far and a defamation lawsuit puts her job in jeopardy, she has to make nice with Caroline, the image police, and deliver the best story of her career.

Only pretending to be in love sure feels a whole lot like falling in love. When their story goes public, ambition and privacy collide, and their chance at making a fake relationship real might just be collateral damage. (there’s just SOMETHING about this that is super freaking cute)

- The Brutal Truth by Lee Winter

Australian crime reporter Maddie Grey is out of her depth in New York, miserable, and secretly drawn to her powerful, twice-married, media mogul boss, Elena Bartell, who eats failing newspapers for breakfast. As work takes them to Australia, Maddie is goaded into a brief, seemingly harmless bet with her enigmatic boss—where they have to tell the complete truth to each other. It backfires catastrophically.

A lesbian romance about the lies we tell ourselves.

- The Red Files by Lee Winter (kudos to her for being the only author that makes it to this list with two separate books)

Ambitious Daily Sentinel journalist Lauren King is chafing on LA’s vapid social circuit, reporting on glamorous A-list parties while sparring with her rival—the formidable, icy Catherine Ayers. Ayers is an ex-Washington political correspondent who suffered a humiliating fall from grace, and her acerbic, vicious tongue keeps everyone at bay. Everyone, that is, except knockabout Iowa girl King, who is undaunted, unimpressed and gives as good as she gets. One night a curious story unfolds before their eyes: One business launch, 34 prostitutes and a pallet of missing pink champagne. Can the warring pair work together to unravel an incredible story? This is a lesbian fiction with more than a few mysterious twists. (as someone who is usually pretty bored by any plot other than the romance, I actually enjoyed this mystery)

- Tricky Wisdom/Tricky Chances by Camryn Eyde

(for tricky wisdom)  Darcy Wright is a closeted lesbian who has been infatuated with her best friend, Taylor, since junior high. Leaving her small northeast Minnesota town for Harvard in a quest to become a doctor, she moves in with med-student Olivia Boyd, a neurotic, anal, gigantic pain in the backside. The first year of juggling medical school is grueling, but it’s nothing compared to living with Olivia.

Coming out to her friends and family with an anti-climactic flop, Darcy uses her newly publicized sexuality to try and win Taylor’s affections through an ill-hatched scheme that crosses uncomfortable lines. The result is as unexpected to Darcy as Darcy’s affinity for medicine is to Olivia.

The first year of medical school is a nerve-wracking encounter in medicine, learning lessons the hard way, and finding what her heart desires.

Tricky Chances is the sequel to Wisdom, but it’s the only lesfic sequel that i truly felt added to the first one and was just as gripping! Plus, the first book is only 48k words so the followup is perfect to come right after

- Who’d Have Thought by G Benson

Top neurosurgeon Samantha Thomson needs to get married fast and is tightlipped as to why. And with over $200,000 on offer to tie the knot, no questions asked, cash-strapped ER nurse Hayden Pérez isn’t about to demand answers.

The deal is only for a year of marriage, but Hayden’s going into it knowing it will be a nightmare. Sam is complicated, rude, kind of cold, and someone Hayden barely tolerates at work, let alone wants to marry. The hardest part is that Hayden has to convince everyone around them that they’re madly in love and that racing down the aisle together is all they’ve ever wanted. What could possibly go wrong? (this book comes in 9th because i don’t love it QUITE as much as i do all the others, but it was the one that got me into lesfic so! it’s good stuff)

And in a guest pick from the only other voracious lesfic reader i know, @debbie-eagan - 

Beautiful Dreamer by Melissa Brayden - 

Philadelphia real estate broker Devyn Winters is at the peak of her career, closing multimillion-dollar deals and relishing it. She’s pretty much blocked out her formative years in Dreamer’s Bay, where the most exciting thing to happen was the twice a year bake sale. Unfortunately, a distress call hauls her back home and away from the life she’s constructed. Now the question is just how long until she can leave again? And when did boring Elizabeth Draper get so beautiful?

Elizabeth Draper loves people, free time, and a good cup of coffee in the warm sunlight. In the quaint town of Dreamer’s Bay, she’s the only employee of On the Spot, an odd jobs company. She remembers Devyn Winters as shallow in high school, but now everything about Devyn makes her lose focus. Though her brain knows Devyn is only home temporarily, her heart didn’t seem to get the memo (I’m personally not a huge Brayden fan but a lot of other lesfic readers are so I reached out for a second opinion on this matter)

I hope you enjoy!

[teatimeatwinterpalace]

'"I made her promise faithfully to keep this knowledge to herself, and never to let a word of it pass her lips.’" - I wonder what all this could possibly mean? It sounds like it's going beyond a reference to Wilhelm's feelings for Ella and is actually referring to something that was happening between them. Do you have any certain impressions? (part 3/end - sorry! :))

Hey, first of all : I apologize for my late reply! For anyone wondering, few months ago we were talking about the so called “new letters” between Wilhelm and Ella that Queen_Missy has found and shared on the Alexander Palace forum.

I do have John Rohl’s book (which is really good). I agree that Fritz’s letter is particularly intriguing. When he mentioned “the previous event in Darmstadt” + “I made her promise faithfully to keep this knowledge to herself, and never to let a word of it pass her lips” it is as if something outrageous had happened. However, if it had been the case I’m sure John Rohl would have delve into it and wrote about it.

As far as I know, Rohl is the only historian who have written “extensively” on Wilhelm and Ella. I tried to find other sources in the books I own but not much came out. For instance, in Hannah Pakula’s excellent bio on Vicky there is no mention of a particular incident between the two. In the correspondence volume of Queen Victoria and Vicky 1878-1885, there is just one letter from Queen Victoria dating from October 2, 1878, it mentions a “rift” between Alice and Vicky, because of this affair but nothing indicates that something scandalous happened. Here is the letter :

“I will say viz: that I never told Alice you had complained bitterly to me - and that you had never asked me to write - for how could I? I only warned you what I had gathered and I have told you and Herr v. Liebenau (what I am thoroughly certain of) that Alice never wished to catch Willie, for I know she did not. It is a distressing misunderstanding which I trust is no cleared up and which I shall be too happy to aid in smoothing down if required. I think others (unintentionally) have talked and made messes, which is very annoying. Herr v. Liebenau thinks (as I do) Willie should not be pressed to marry too early.”

There is a footnote : “Most of the letters on this subject have been destroyed”. I’m not sure we should read too much into this. That is not really surprinsing and it wasn’t unusual to burn letters back then, especially the ones dealing with delicate family matters. It doesn’t necessary mean that they tried to hide a big secret. Besides, not all letters have disappeared.

Fritz and Vicky were obviously worried about the rumours about Wilhelm and Ella. He was the heir to the throne and she was still quite young. I think all this fuss came down to the fact that there were this strict moral victorian etiquette when it came to social interaction, especially between the sexes.. Vicky wrote to Wilhelm : “you had better for her sake & for yours, be a little scarcer in your visits, or else those reports will get into the newspaper, & it will be very disagreeable for Auntie Alice & for you.” A strict guidelines governed social interaction between men and women. However, these guidelines were ever evolving and most of the time were frowned upon by the “old” generation. The correspondance between Vicky and her mother Queen Victoria is quite enlightening in that aspect (quite funny too). In 1877, Vicky’s eldest daughter, Charlotte, got engaged to Prince Bernhard of Saxe-Meiningen. Vicky wrote to her mother :

“How differently the younger generation expects to be treated from what we were. […] Fancy that Charlotte never tells me when she writes to Bernard or when he writes to her… They resent the slightest restraint put upon them & Bernard thinks they ought to do just as they like.” 

Queen Victoria replied :

“I think there is a great want of propriety & delicacy… in at once treating your bridegroom as though (except on one point) he were your husband… Here now they have lost all modesty for not only do they fo about driving, walking & visiting - everywhere alone, they also now taken to go out everywhere together in society… & make a regular show of themselves… In short young people are getting very American, I fear in their views and ways.” 

So for obvious reasons, Vicky and Fritz didn’t want gossips and stories involving the heir of the throne and a hessian princess, spreading across Europe. They also knew very well who their son was and how volatile he could be. Vicky hoped that with some time this infatuation for Ella would falter because she knew that her niece could have carried the hemophilia gene. However, the letters between Vicky and her sister Helena show that during the summer of 1878, Vicky was unfortunately convinced that “a nuptial link between Wilhelm and Ella was both imminent and ineluctable”. Does that mean that Ella was also interested in Wihelm? That’s a possibility and I wouldn’t be that surprised if it was the case. Unfortunately we don’t have access to Ella’s letters. Nevertheless, she was fourteen at the time. Queen_Missy with her “new letters” suggests that Ella got pregnant. It is too far fetched imo. It seems that she got carried away while fantasming a bit too much around the supposed tragic love story between Wilhelm and Ella.

Later on, Wilhelm loved to say that his parents were against the match so he had “obeyed the severe command of duty” and married Dona of Holstein. However, according to John Rohl, Wilhelm’s change of heart was his decision : “Most of those involved, in particular his father and grandparents (not to mention Ella herself) [Did Rohl had access to some of Ella’s letters or did he just assum?], were unpleasantly surprised by this unexpected turn of events. The switch was not only sudden, it was total : in May 1879 Wilhelm flatly denied ever having even contemplated an amorous relationship with any of the Darmstadt princesses. […] “I had always loved them much more than any other cousins, just like sisters, but never did I earnestly want to have one, nor did I ever breathe a words of it to Aunt.”” Is it a testimony of Wilhelm’s inconsistent character? perhaps ahaha or if we are being fair here, he was just a young man (yet a young man who suddenly forgot all the letters he had written mentioning his desire to marry Ella, anyway).

Can we just take a moment to appreciate Fritz’s letter to his wife after he read the pompous, lovesick letter that Wilhelm had written to his aunt Helena about Dona. (Helena forwarded a copy of the letter to Vicky, then Vicky forwarded it to Fritz lmao)  : 

“Quite apart from his bombast & absurd expression [the letter was] worrying given that it was penned by an inexperienced boy. For how is a young girl of 20 years supposed to wait for years in the uncertain hope that when Wilhelm reaches maturity he will continue to enthuse for her in the way he does with this adolescent-starry-eyed enthusiasm!! Moreover, I find that his sudden changing of the saddle from the one for whom he had already declared himself to the other, who is now the “only one he has ever loved”, has occurred with outrageous rapidity.“

Fritz’s letter from 1879 can be seen as intriguing especially if you think that the new letters from Ella and Wilhelm by Queen_Missy are real (which imo aren’t). The incident that Fritz mentioned could have been Wilhelm asking Ella to marry him or telling her how he felt about her but it is just an assumption. The archives can still hide some crazy gems, who knows?!  But I really don’t think there is some shattering secret lurking in Fritz’s words. If it was the case, the tone of the family letters that we still have, would have been much more different. And concerning Ella, well we can’t say much with the few materials that we have, but if we follow John Rohl + the letters of Vicky, Helena, Fritz… then we can suggest that Wilhelm’s infatuation wasn’t as unrequited as most historians like to think it was.

For anyone interested in John Rohl’s books you can find online the first volume of his extensive research on Wilhelm II here. (sharing the link because unfortunately his books are expensive)

[hanybanani]

𝑀𝓎 𝒹𝒶𝒾𝓁𝓎 𝒹𝑜𝓈𝑒 𝑜𝒻 𝓅𝒽𝒾𝓁𝑜𝓈𝑜𝓅𝒽𝓎

First of all, what is philosophy and how does it help us? Philosophy is the study of existence and reality, it helps us develop our critical thinking and makes our lives easier in terms of making better decisions and choices in life. 

Have you ever wondered how to make good choices in life?  Of course,  you would want to keep heading into the direction you want and not fall into a spiral of stress and despair. Now, as teenagers, even adults, many of us wondered about our lives, like what is our purpose, some people think they don’t have a purpose. What is success and how will you achieve it, what is good and what is bad, or how should we treat one another, ect. 

Philosophy gives us ethics. It involves “systematizing, defending, and recommending concepts of right and wrong behavior". Growing up, we often face choices, there are times when we are indecisive in life and you realize you are responsible as you set an example.

 Philosophy  in Greek means “the love of wisdom” or “the pursuit of wisdom”, and I think making mistakes can be turned into a valuable lesson to a person. Why do I think this? Well, as Albert Einstein said, “ Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new”. My philosophy in making mistakes is that it teaches us to clarify what we really want, it is a fundamental part for every understanding, advancement, and development. The correct exists because of the fault and this is what makes us human. Men is prone to error and develops, but that depends on how one responds to the error. 

Philosophy has been around since the 6th century, without it, everything we have now wouldn’t exist. We wouldn’t have freedom to have our own opinion, values, nor have equality. It helps us approach into making policies, make rational suggestions into shaping society to become better. Philosophy helps students acquire a knowledge of those ideas and its origins. Philosophy also influence teaching, and even leadership. 

Science and philosophy are pretty similar when it comes to finding out what is reality. The difference is that science is all about the natural phenomena and philosophy is understanding the nature of man and our existence. I personally think that philosophy can lead to innovation, giving fantastical inspiration to create new ideas for creating innovative solutions. 

The Noble Eight-fold Path

I’m not Buddhist but reading the Eight-fold Path helps to become calmer and be more at peace knowing what to do in times of distress, if you want to follow the Eight Fold Path  It’s a good thing to remember that it’s important to be ethical in word and in deed, and thought. To be kind to others, and being positive as much as possible and be respectful and moral person. Remembering those will surely help you to be peaceful in your mind and to everyone around you and will not let you suffer as a bitter person. Having peace within oneself makes you have the right understanding, the right intent, the right speech, right mindfulness, concentration, following all of these creates a harmony in oneself. I have learned that when you’re compassionate towards others and treat them right, you get a reward too, and it also feels good to do something good to others and they will be kind to you as well. 

Treating others the right way is good for the mental health and well being, it can reduce the stress and improve our mood and also self-esteem and of course, it makes us happy. Doing good deeds does not need much time or costs money like when listening to your friends without judgement and focus on what they need.  

Ecocentric  model  and  evaluate  personal  views  and attitudes toward nature

The environment that God has given us is truly beautiful, the air we breathe, the land we walk on and the plants and animals that live among humans are made carefully. All lives are equal to existence and ecocentrism is a pathway to  a sustainable living. Man is made to dominate the Earth and take care of it. Ecocentrism is the reason why we value the environment we live in. Life relies on geological processes and has been worldview and many countries speak about folklore. An ecocentric view holds the planet’s ecology and ecosystems, the the lives of humans, animals, the creatures the lives in the depths of the sea and all life forms. I think that we should continue to take care of our surroundings for the future generation, to look at the world with love of nature, will give the children of the future a wonderful Earth that they could still live on. With all the buidings that are being built, the trees that are being cut and the amount of garbage that is being thrown to the ocean should be reduced and think about the other living things that will suffer from the greediness of mankind. 

We should reduce, reuse, recycle to save that dying animals and reduce the pollution in the air that we breathe for the sake of the children and the children of their children. We must protect and value the things that were made to sustain life even if they cannot be used by humans as resources. 

Marcos Batas Militar

How can reason be translated into action?

An individual’s speech makes sense based on logic and facts and can be turned into action when the individual starts to act upon his visions logically and comfortably 

If there were no intellect, there would be no will. Explain.

You cannot accomplish anything without intelligence or without any practical plan, thus there is no will if you do not know how to make ends meet. 

What is a social contract and how is it reflected in the EDSA Revolution?

An agreement from the members of society. The law is reflected in the people by making an agreement.

Was freedom denied during the Martial Law? Was there free choice within the Filipino people? 

People could not go outside their houses and speak about the government or they will get killed. There was no freedom for the people who denied the Martial Law  and there was no free choice. 

How do you think this is similar and/or different from the colonization of the Philippines from the hands of the Spanish, American, and Japanese?

The Spanish people colonized the Philippines under military and religious supremacy while the Philippines is an instrument for WWII for the Japanese. America desires for opportunities that will benefit their own country and to have power over the islands from other countries, it is somehow similar to the Marcos martial law where the authority or people with access to firearms disregards the safety and needs of the people for their own benefit. 

How do you think this is similar and/or different from today’s events in the Philippines?

The events regarding for covid-19 are similar but different as people are required to stay home for their own health but similar to martial law as the media sensualize the virus to which it makes people afraid and scared, but according to a doctor in Europe, covid-19 is just like any other flu. 

My mother likes listening to classic music and because of my mother, I know about Andrea Bocelli. His music is comforting and his voice is beautiful. Andrea Bocelli is a knows as a great music artist that inspires many people around the globe. When he was still in his mother’s womb, the doctor advised his parents to abort him because him might have a disability, his mother, however opposed the advice the doctor gave and gave birth to him and when he was born he did have many issues with his sight and was diagnosed with congenital glauoma. As a young boy, Bocelli had a passion for music even with his disability, it did not stop him from playing the piano and other instruments and to be a great singer and won countless awards. He is a good model for young kids with disabilities to never stop hoping and dream big.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　　 ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　　 ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ

 25-year life plan. 

Firsly, I want to develop my skills in arts and be able to try out and learn digital drawing since it looks super cool and fun to do and be able to do animations because I wanted to do that as a kid. When it comes to career, I want to get a good job in  software technology and be able to create applications and games  that would help many people in their daily lives and also have fun. But before I achieve all that, education is important.My plan is to get to graduate college, I want to expand my knowledge in computer programming.

I want to be able to contribute to my family, and support them with their needs, and show them love as much as possible so I guess having a decent stable job would allow me to be helpful to the family. My financial plan would be saving as much to start a business  and  also giving to charity. In life, you can’t always just be working and working, sometimes looking after yourself is more important as well, being healthy and to excercise more and eat healthy food in order to achieve your goals. Working hard and looking after yourself can take you to places and for pleasure, I would like to do my bucket list like to be able to travel and see places, to be part of an organization helping citizens and the environment, giving to charity and to meet new people and learn from them. I think this is most people’s common life plan, its a dream and a plan, but don’t call it a dream, call it a plan, make it a goal and thrive big.  

[kuro-gossips]

Splashes of Colour

Chapter 5: Shades of Yellow

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4

He's running down the cobblestone, but it doesn't feel fast enough to escape the reality of what has only just transpired. Newt abruptly halts, leaning on his knees, heaving for breath that doesn't seem to fill his lungs. A hand travels up to wipe the sweat that has gathered on his brow; it isn't until said limb jerks away a second later that he realizes he's crying. He wipes his eyes furiously with his coat sleeve. Newt has never been one to cry easily, but he cannot deny how energetic and relaxed his magic feels at this singular moment. There's such a morbid fascination forming in his mind and it's painful to acknowledge because this is the most alive he's felt in months, and yet he knows that eventually, he will have to process it. There isn't a better time to do it, especially while no one else is around, so he attempts to calm his breathing, slow his heart rate, and tries to sift through the information he's been presented with.

He wonders if his friends and family will still want anything to do with him once they find out that Grindelwald is his soulmate. He wonders if Theseus is obligated to tell the Ministry of said connection, since Grindelwald is Europe's most sought after Dark Wizard. Theseus has always been duty-bound, his sense of justice and his inherent need to abide the law causes Newt to worry. Newt knows that his older brother loves him, wants the best for him, but he also knows that what Theseus thinks is the best for him hardly ever agrees with his own standards of morality. The green-eyed wizard bites his lower lip in trepidation. He hates the Ministry -- he truly does -- their abhorrent methods of dealing with potential threats and problems unnerves him, like how they insisted on sending the world's cruelest beast hunter after a desperate young man, who only seeks a loving family. Newt intuitively understands that they will apply the same policies to his case as well -- Grindelwald spoke the truth in that regard. He continues to worry his lip, the skin growing red and vaguely bruised underneath the pressure of tenacious teeth.

He thinks about the Obscurial boy -- so young, but so frayed at the edges, worn down by the abuse of a woman who was supposed to look after him, to care for him, to nurture him -- Newt grieves at the thought of his upbringing. He thinks if the wizarding society were not forced into the underground and sworn to secrecy that such a scenario would have never arisen. At the same time, he realizes that most non-magical people are not so… accepting; Jacob may be an anomaly amongst them. He's seen their interactions with those with different skin colours, those of other romantic inclinations -- not to mention the Salem witch trials -- and he doubts that a union between the two communities could ever be peaceful. Maybe, just maybe, a strong and charismatic pioneer can usher in a new era with success. Queenie and Jacob would never be prosecuted for wanting to be together -- such backwards laws the Americans have enforced -- and Newt struggles to dissuade himself of Grindelwald's beliefs.

The redhead isn't quite sure he believes that his soulmate actually desires to change the world's outlook on magical creatures, even if he wishes from the bottom of his heart that those words were true. Despite the inner workings of his mind, he still can't shake the feeling that the older man spoke no lies. He wonders if a soulmate bond is sufficient to uncover spoken falsehoods -- it's something he has yet to come across in literature or old wives' tales. He wishes that he had the foresight to ask Theseus about the matter, but it's too late for that now. Newt finds himself hard-pressed not to believe the words that Grindelwald had spouted.

Somehow through all his ponderings, he ends up in a sparsely populated city square with a Wallace fountain in the middle. To his surprise, Newt finds his gaze meeting the equally surprised face of Queenie, who has just stepped out of the entrance to the French Ministry of Magic. The blonde rushes over, as quickly as her heels allow her to, and she envelopes him in a warm embrace. She seems overly distressed. The magizoologist still isn't one for physical contact, but he relaxes a tiny bit in her hug.

"Oh, Newt, honey, I'm so glad I bumped into you." She mutters. When she pulls back, her eyes shimmer with tears. Newt returns her look with a soft smile. "I've been so lost here, you know? Paris is a whole lot bigger than I thought. I've been looking for Tina… but well, you know the whole scuffle between us."

"Actually, I managed to find Tina, and Jacob is here with me as well." The female makes a happy noise at his statement, clapping her hands in excitement. "I think Tina has been searching for Credence here, but come to think of it, I don't think we're on particularly good terms right now…"

"You can be so oblivious, sweetie. I guess that's part of your charm though." Newt waits patiently for her explanation, blankly staring at the Legilimens. He has an idea about what she is hinting at, but Newt would rather Queenie state it plainly. The blonde gives a small sigh, but a fond smile graces her lips as she does, "She likes you, silly!"

The redhead feigns confusion, "I should hope that friends like each other…"

Queenie lets out a laugh that tinkles like bells. Her delicate hand pats the swell of his cheek. "I meant romantically, Newt."

A look of enlightenment crosses over his face and everything he's feared is confirmed: the letters, the constant invitations to return to New York, her inexplicable bitterness towards him since they've reunited in France. He knows Tina is a wonderful woman and any other man would  be lucky to have her as a significant other, but he simply can't return her affections because he's always had a predilection for men -- not to mention the Erumpent constantly on his mind: his soulmate. His cheeks flush and Queenie catches the tail end of his thoughts.

"... Oh, you don't feel the same way." He jerks back from her touch and he tries to dismiss all notions of soulmates from his mind as they are prone to surface whenever someone mentions any sort of romantic relationship, and this garners him a befuddled stare from the woman, the space between her brows furrowing. He avoids her gaze and shakes his head, not wanting to talk about it. She respects his decision, but she also can't help but wonder if Newt was saving himself for his soulmate despite the unlikeliness of actually meeting. She sends a shaky smile his way and attempts to dispel the awkward air. "Well, should we head off to rejoin my dear sister and Jacob?"

Newt's face is one of relief as he agrees. As they head back, black banners descend upon Paris, only visible to those with magic, and the two friends realize that it's Grindelwald's call to rally for his supporters. On the wall of a building nearby, he sees the image of a raven unfurl with a map to Père Lachaise Cemetery. Queenie and him exchange a look; there's no doubt in his mind that anyone who's important to the cause will be present. With Grindelwald's pursuit of Credence, Newt is sure the boy will be in attendance as well. The two race off to reconvene at Flamel's house.

***

Unfortunately for the portly Muggle baker, Newt has forgotten to pick up any food for the man in all the chaos. He is greeted by Jacob's disappointed face as he strides through the door -- an apology is on the tip of Newt's tongue -- but he visibly brightens at the sight of Queenie, cheeks straining with happiness. All thoughts of food leave his mind. The man is currently nursing a bump on his head, and Newt distinctly notices the lack of the man that had trapped them in the sewers earlier. The dark-skinned wizard must have escaped by taking Jacob by surprise. Queenie and Jacob embrace each other tightly -- eager to seek comfort -- and both looking like they want to cry.

"Jacob! Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I never should've said those things. I love you so much--" Queenie starts.

The short man replies, "And you know I love you, right?"

Unfortunately, there are more pressing issues at hand, so Newt must regrettably interrupt. Green eyes glance around for the missing party in their reunion and Newt asks, "Sorry, but… where's Tina?"

Jacob fidgets a bit, seemingly nervous, "Oh, uh, she left shortly after you, Newt. Something about heading off to the Ministry."

The magizoologist looks thoughtful, like he's considering her reasoning for leaving so suddenly and abandoning Jacob to fend for himself while there was a wizard with unknown intentions on the premises. Queenie just appears to be worried for the safety of her sister, especially with Grindelwald's rally on the horizon. There's something incorporeal tugging at the corners of his mind, but Newt ignores it as he says, "Grindelwald is calling all his followers to the Lestrange Mausoleum tonight. If we hope to find Tina, I have no doubt she will be there looking for Credence."

The blonde witch shoots him a nervous glance. She's heard too many rumours about the terrible deeds of the Dark Lord's disciples -- she hopes Tina won't be there in the heat of things, but she also knows her sister all too well.

When darkness begins to descend upon Paris, the three of them head out.

***

To her surprise, Tina runs into Britain's Head Auror at the French Ministry and the two realize they have similar interests regarding Grindelwald and Credence. He introduces himself as Theseus Scamander, Newt's older brother in the flesh, and beside him is the pretty woman who she's been jealous of for months, Leta Lestrange. It bothers her that Leta is overtly "friendly" with her so-called fiancé's brother -- the hand delicately laying atop his bicep, the smitten doe eyes she turns on to Theseus -- she is disgusted that this woman has the guts to do something so horrendous to a sweet man like Newt. As if the dark-skinned woman can feel her hatred, her gaze swivels to meet Tina's, confusion sparkling in her rich brown eyes. The American snubs the other woman by ignoring her questioning look and focusing on Theseus. She doesn't like the man much either because he seems to accept Leta's affections without question, but at least he has something interesting to say.

The British wizard wears a more serious disposition as soon as he mentions Grindelwald, "Ms. Goldstein, I believe I know where Grindelwald and his following are going to be convening."

Tina raises a dark eyebrow, unsure of where the Auror received his intel from -- something that he is quick to notice and address.

"Leta found this note in place of the Lestrange family records at the Ministry archives." Theseus shows the parchment with the Deathly Hallows symbol -- Grindelwald's sigil -- atop of it and a brief message detailing that the document has been moved to Père Lachaise.

"Everyone seems to think that Credence is the lost son of the Lestrange family, is there any possibility there's some truth to--" The brunette begins asking, but an acerbic voice cuts through the conversation.

"No." The shorter woman's brows are furrowed in anger and she raps her clenched fist on his chest. "My brother is dead. He died."

Her fiancé places a comforting hand on her shoulder as he speaks, "I know, Leta." The former Slytherin swivels to face him, her hand gripping the sleeve of his jacket, knuckles white. "I know and the records-- the records will prove it. They can't lie."

"If that's the case, then who is he?" Tina thinks out loud, her voice quiet and unsure. Leta shakes her head and tells her that she doesn't know the answer to that question. "I never asked, but I assume Newt is probably here to track down Credence as well… He needs to know."

The American Auror wants to inform the other Scamander of many things, not just Credence's lack of identity as a Lestrange. Her focus is drawn back to reality as Theseus lets out a sound of surprise at her statement. In truth, he should have known that Newt would find a way around the international travel ban. "Newt is in Paris?"

"You didn't know?" Tina looks equally shocked when the other Scamander shakes his head.

"He's not even supposed to be traveling internationally. The Ministry banned him after the whole fiasco in New York."

"But-- but that wasn't even his fault!" The American witch is baffled and slightly outraged. Newt's brother gives a sound of agreement. From the raw emotions colouring her voice, Theseus concludes that Tina has some sort of romantic inclination towards his sibling. He blinks slowly as a thought crosses his mind: is she the reason Newt had been asking them about soulmates? If he had met his soulmate in New York, it might have made sense that he had felt weak from being so far apart. He exchanges a glance with his fiancée and instantly, he can tell that she's reached a similar conclusion.

"Well, in all honesty, I should have-- we should have seen this coming, don't you agree, Leta? Newt's never been one for rules."

Leta chuckles amusedly, her face smoothing out as she momentarily forgets the rumours about her dead brother. The engaged couple notice that Tina's furrowed brow at their bantering. The Lestrange witch has never been one to shy away from being upfront with things, so without hesitation, she asks, "Do you have an issue with something, Ms. Goldstein?"

Tina looks a little taken off-guard as she stutters, "Uh, no, not-- not at all..." Leta's insistent stare is enough for her to crack though. "It's just-- aren't you and Newt engaged? And-- and you're here blatantly flirting with his older brother!"

Theseus becomes affronted at her increasing volume, temper hot as usual, but his fiancée is quick to intervene before things spiral out of control. "Oh, no, I fear you've been mistaken. Newt and I aren't-- we've never been engaged. It's Theseus and I who are to wed. Newt is to be best man."

The American Auror's face reddens at the misunderstanding. She abashedly averts her gaze and mutters out an apology. Theseus is silently glad that Leta is his better half and isn't as quick to rise to a fight as he is because he knows if he was allowed to act freely, there might have been an international incident.

"You fancy him, don't you?" Leta slyly adds, a mischievous grin sliding over her face. Tina only gets more flushed at her accusation, but doesn't refute.

A couple of moments of silence pass, before it's broken by the older Scamander brother, "Well, I hate to get serious amidst all the teasing, but nighttime is falling and we should make our way towards Père Lachaise." He ushers the two females to go ahead without him; he still needs to organize his Aurors for the raid tonight.

***

Tina recognizes the man that had deceived her and trapped her in an underground passage when Leta and her walk through the entrance of the Lestrange tomb. She spots Credence and a thin Asian woman huddling in the corner, looking afraid at the wand pointed toward them. The pale woman is standing slightly in front of Credence, protective. They have arrived just in time, it seems.

"I do not wish to kill you, but if you insist on getting in the way, I will do what I must." Kama explains, "You see, either you die, Credence... or I do."

Leta hurriedly exclaims, "WAIT!"

A spell had been on the tip of Kama's tongue, but he halts and turns to face the newcomers. His features morph into shock. "Is that you? My sister?"

The aforementioned witch is confused, but she doesn't bat an eyelash at his question. "He is not who you think he is..." She seems pained to admit this.

"So, is it true? I am... Corvus Lestrange?" Credence tests the name out, but the dark-skinned female shakes her head.

"No, my brother is dead."

Kama stares at her, disbelievingly. "But it is like the Predictions of Tycho Dodonus said, 'a son cruelly banished, despair of the daughter, return, great avenger with wings from the water.' There--" The Senegalese man gestures towards Leta, before continuing on his tirade, "-- stands the despairing daughter. You are the winged raven returned from the sea, but I-- I am the avenger of my family's ruin."

Leta refuses to her anymore talk of Corvus and finally, she explodes with a despaired scream, "My brother is already dead! I killed him!"

Her sobs echo throughout the stone room as she reiterates how she switched infants on the sinking ship, only for her brother to be swept under the current and drown. The image of a babe clothed in a white sheet conjures and everyone watches as it slowly descends deeper into the ocean. Kama finally lowers his wand, looking dejected that he could not fulfill his promise to his late father.

Tina can see the desperation in Credence's eyes when he asks, "Then who am I if I am not Corvus Lestrange? Do you know?"

The Lestrange woman is astute and realizes his need for an identity, but she cannot provide the answer he seeks. The woman accompanying him gently strokes his back in comfort. In the fallout, the ominous scraping of a hidden door opening resounds throughout, garnering everyone's attention. They can all hear the booming of the masses gathering in the auditorium beneath them. Glances are exchanged between those present, before they cautiously descend the stairs.

The auditorium is filled with wizards and witches alike, from all different nationalities. The chatter is deafening. Somehow the group that had entered together split up and is now scattered across the mausoleum. Leta and Tina are still together, looking around, one of them anxious and the other worried.

"Teenie!" A cheerful voice calls to her over the gathered audience; it's Queenie, and Jacob is next to her. They're standing in one of the rows of benches, arms intertwined, right by the aisle of stairs leading down to the centre. Tina doesn't need Legilimency to know her sister is sorry for leaving so abruptly after their argument. "We thought we might find you here."

"Queenie." The elder Goldstein lets out a sigh of relief at the sight of her. The sisters embrace tightly, Jacob is tittering off on the side, his eyes darting back and forth between the magical folk. Leta smiles slightly at their reunion. "I don't suppose you've come with Newt, have you?"

"Oh, he was here... We lost track of him, but he's around somewhere..." Queenie trails off thoughtfully as she glances around, but she can't see their redheaded friend -- there's simply too many people. She takes notice of the dark-skinned witch standing awkwardly -- and somehow, still regal -- next to Tina. "Miss Lestrange, right? I'm Queenie, Teenie's sister. And this is Jacob."

Leta appears surprised at the introduction, but she greets the Legilimens and the Muggle cordially. Jacob jolts, suddenly remembering that he has friends surrounding him. He shakes the British woman's hand.

"Nice to meet you."

The four of them realize that there are a couple of wizards, probably part of Grindelwald's movement, eyeing them intently, dauntingly approaching them, and wordlessly pushing them into a row with others. They attempt to avoid the goons, but the group of brutish wizards have fenced them in, and now they have no choice but to step in line. Leta catches sight of Newt across the way, both of their eyes widening slightly. Newt is blocked in by some important-looking wizards and witches, unable to move.

The auditorium falls silent as footsteps echo throughout the mausoleum, each step with purpose and meaning. Grindelwald emerges from the darkness of a corridor. Applause and cheering slowly build up from the audience until the man reaches the stage. They quieten down again as he begins speaking, "My brothers, my sisters, my friends... The great gift of your applause is not for me." Sounds of disapproval emit from the crowd. "No, it is for yourselves."

"You came today because of a craving and a knowledge that the old ways serve us no longer. You come today because you crave something new, something different." The Dark Lord's voice is captivating, like a priest is at a sermon, "It is said that I hate Les Non-Magiques. The Muggles. The No-Maj. The Can't-Spells."

The crowd jeers and hisses, yelling obscenities about the non-magical, but the man at the centre of attention is quick to dispel their uproar.

"I do not hate them; I do not. For I do not fight out of hatred. I say that the Muggles are not lesser, but other. Not worthless, but of other value. Not disposable, but of a different disposition." A beat passes. "Magic blooms only in rare souls. It is granted to those who live for higher things. Oh, and what a world we could make, for all humanity. We who live for freedom--" Grindelwald stares pointedly at the magizoologist -- something that worries Leta to no end because the man is planning something -- before continuing, "-- for truth, and most importantly, for love."

Queenie lets out a soft noise and none of them are sure how to interpret it.

"While I was held captive by MACUSA, they spent hours each day for weeks, torturing me for information. What kind of 'good' or 'just' institution would do such barbaric things?"

Newt recalls those days with a sickening dread settling in his stomach. And yet, he did nothing to stop it either -- not that he could anyway.

Grindelwald lifts his arms, gesturing to the masses. "Things that they have previously claimed that I am not adverse to, that we are not adverse to. They are an institution built upon lies. MACUSA is not the only one, of course. All these Ministries around the world are alike. And yet, they are quick to insinuate that we are the ones in the wrong. I say, it is not we!"

The room erupts into loud agreement. Vinda appears behind him, carrying an ominous looking skull with a hookah attached to it. Grindelwald announces that he is going to share a vision he had seen of the future. The Dark Lord takes the proffered skull, inhales deeply, and breathes out a plume of smoke. The picture that is painted by the smoke is absolutely terrifying. It's a massacre. Dead bodies litter the ground and at the centre of the room, a hefty explosion shakes the ground. They all stare in horror. Murmurs break out.

"That is what we are fighting! Their arrogance, their lust for power, their savagery. How long before they turn their weapons against us?" His mismatched eyes glint in the dim lighting and he cautions the crowd, "Do not be alarmed. There are Aurors among us."

There is a wave of shocked gasps, people frantically looking at their neighbours, fearing that the enemy was close. "My brothers, step into the light. Join us."

Despite being on different sides of the amphitheatre, Newt, Tina, and Leta can see Theseus and his gaggle of Aurors begrudgingly move toward Grindelwald. They see the Head Auror say something to his team, but they are too far away to make sense of it. The man smirks. One of the younger wizards has his hand laying on top of where his wand is sheathed, a nervous tick giving away his anxiety. There is a young copper-haired woman standing in the front row, her eyes are narrowed in anger and the pale-haired man knows he can take advantage of the two of them.

"They have killed many of my followers, it is true. They have struck down many of their fellow witches and wizards for the simple crime of seeking the truth, for wanting freedom. Your anger -- your need for revenge -- is natural." The witch he had been eyeing moves to whip out her wand, but the Auror is ready, and the girl drops dead to the floor. Grindelwald makes a sound of despair as he stalks towards the fallen body. He kneels beside her, arranges her limbs, and strokes her hair, tucking a bright-coloured strand behind her rapidly cooling ear."My poor child."

He stands up from his position, striding back to the stage, and there is an undertone of rage when he speaks again, "Go! Go and spread the word that it was not we who committed such atrocious actions this night." The sound of Apparition thrums as wizards and witches disappear one after another. The British Aurors move on Theseus' command, ready to take the man by force. Grindelwald spins in a circle, muttering a spell, "Protego diabolica." Scorching blue flames emerge from his wand tip and many of those that remain flinch back from the heat.

"Aurors, join me in this circle. Pledge to me your eternal allegiance. Only here shall you know freedom, only here shall you know yourself. Join me... or die." The man states. He is pleased when he sees a couple of them run through the flames, unharmed. Vinda marches to join him in the circle, looking smug. The Dark Lord waves the Elder Wand as if he were conducting a symphony. Some of the Aurors that had come with Theseus try to Apparate, but just as they look like they are successful, streams of fire hit their bodies, ash trickling down. "Play by the rules, children."

There is a wicked grin stretching Grindelwald's lips. Krall attempts to walk through the flames, only to burn up with a screech of pain. Neither Grindelwald nor Rosier are surprised. Now, the only ones that are left are Newt, still standing too far from the rest of them, Tina, Leta, Queenie, Jacob, Theseus, Kama, Credence, and Nagini. Queenie seems mildly hypnotized by Grindelwald's words, but Jacob snaps her out of it with ease. Tina shoots him a grateful look. The flames continue to dance and spread, forcing many of them to retreat back. Credence struggles with his friend for a brief moment before he breaks away from her grasp and approaches Grindelwald. He stops just shy of the flaming circle.

"Credence, my boy." He gestures grandly with his arms spread wide open. "You know I have the answers you seek. Come with me and I will instill this knowledge upon you."

The Barebone teenager glances over his shoulder at Nagini, his one friend in this world, but the offer is too tempting. Finally, he takes the last couple of steps and passes through the flames without issue. Vinda takes his arm and Apparates. Newt and Tina stare at where he once stood, gazes heavy with sadness. Theseus jogs up to where the group is, spotting his brother a ways away.

"Newt..." Theseus whispers, perpetually worried for him; the same look is reflected back to him on his brother's face. Everyone's attention returns to the Dark Lord who has yet to leave. That smirk has not left his face and they eye him with varying degrees of distrust. The blue flames he has summoned surround them, crackling ferociously as the heat threatens to flay them alive. The older Scamander brother moves to join Newt, but a wall of fire interrupts his gait; he can see the look of glee that spreads over Grindelwald's face. Theseus realizes that Grindelwald has some ulterior motive regarding his sibling. His face conveys his horror and his blue eyes search frantically for a route to Newt.

"Mr. Scamander, do you think Dumbledore will mourn for you?" This question stirs everything into a frenzy, both in the mausoleum in Newt's mind.

"Newt! Grindelwald is up to something--!" Theseus warns, but before he can finish, the wizard has already Apparated next to Newt. The younger British man's head turns slowly, too slowly for Theseus' liking, to face the other. Newt's breath hitches in surprise at his soulmate's sudden appearance. Grindelwald isn't rough when he grabs his forearm -- dare he even say, gentle? -- the heat from his grip is comforting, familiar, and it takes all of Newt's willpower to resist leaning into the other's touch. When they are standing this close to each other, they can see opposing pupils dilate as a wave of pleasure washes over them and their breathing deepens in unison. A tear slides down the swell of Newt's cheek at the sensation. It is exhilarating to be in the same vicinity of each other and it's as if time has temporarily halted as they share a look that says more than words ever could. It's as if the Dark wizard knows exactly what effect such close proximity and physical contact has on the magizoologist, but he cannot deny how liberating it feels, how power courses through his veins like lightning. Lightning so similar to, yet completely different on so many levels, from the electricity that ran through him in New York a mere nine months ago. A shiver runs down the redhead's spine and his green eyes flutter shut for a second longer than he would have liked.

The moment is broken by Theseus' enraged yelling, a nasty snarl on his face, a hint of confusion at their mysterious exchange, "Get away from my brother, your narcissistic bastard! I swear if you hurt him--"

The older Scamander furiously slams spell after spell at the flames that barricade him in, completely in vain because every ounce of magic he shoots out is neutralized by them, as he tries to reach his sibling. Grindelwald doesn't even spare Theseus a glance, the corners of his mouth tilting upward as he maintains eye contact with the redhead in front of him.

"NEWT!" Theseus is terrified that he is going to watch him die in from of him and he won't have been able to do anything about it. His voice, brittle with emotion, is getting hoarser with every shout that escapes his mouth. He can hear a cacophony of other voices joining him in calling out to Newt. He is not the only one who cares for the magizoologist, after all.

"Run, Newt!" Tina screams from across the auditorium, horror abject across her face and desperate to grab his attention. She cannot lose him after coming so close to saving Credence, only for him to step through the fiery barrier. Leta's voice joins hers.

Leta yells, "No! Grindelwald, stop! Please--" Her voice breaks, the plead on the tip of her tongue. She almost wants to beg the Dark Lord to take her instead. Not Newt, anyone but him.

Grindelwald simply bares his teeth in an imitation of a smile at them. He brushes a strand of hair behind the freckled man's ear, caressing the others cheek in the process, before leaning into whisper in said ear, "What is your answer, Mr. Scamander? Did I lie to you?"

Newt feels mildly intoxicated when he feels the other's breath against his earlobe. He can't think straight, he can't remember anyone besides his soulmate, but he remembers what they had discussed only hours ago. He remembers the promises that Grindelwald made and his stipulations about the Ministry's abuse of power if they were to discover his intimate connection with the Dark Lord.

Newt hesitates briefly, swallowing down his fear and his tongue darts out to wet his lips, but he finally has a response for the man, "... No. No, you weren't lying." His free hand clasps at the smooth fingers of his soulmate and they both can feel their magic co-mingling and swelling in vigour now that Newt has accepted his fate, regardless of his reservations. The blue flames surge as a result of an increase of magical force, becoming even more wild and uncontrollable in nature. The azure fire obscures them from view of those left in the mausoleum. Grindelwald takes the opportunity to retreat back slightly and plant a solitary kiss on the younger's cheek -- merely a brush of lips. Newt lets out a shocked noise that turns into one of appreciation as he feels the thrum of power coursing through his body.

Gellert pulls back fully, hands interlaced with each other and Newt's glowing green eyes on him, The Dark Lord asks, "Shall we?" He takes care to dispel the protective spell before he Apparates the two of them out.

When the flames dissipate, there is no trace of the two that once stood there and screams of Newt's name echo in the empty amphitheatre.

[cinnbar-bun]

Mystic Messenger: Chess AU

So guys, here’s the AU I’ve been working on for a while! I had some sketches for it and wanted to write some stories with it, and I hope you guys are interested enough in it to want me to continue with it! 

And just real quick, if you are interested in this au and want to use it for inspiration for some of your works, could you please message me or give me credit on your work? I’d really like to see some of them!!

Warning: Contains spoilers regarding the characters!!!

“In this world, not everything is as black and white as it seems.” 

In a land of magic and secrets, two kingdoms struggle with the rift their own mistakes had caused. Brother turned against brother, and the divide has only worsened as time went on. The breaking point was the introduction of a new player, one who’s very identity could ruin or reform the kingdoms. 

The White Kingdom

The King- Jumin Han

A man of calculated and stoic appearance. His very presence sends those near him in awe, and his voice commands respect. Although seemingly cold and detached, he keeps his kingdom’s best interests at heart and does what he must to improve their lifestyle. Guided by the kindness of his queen, he has learned how being a leader and king takes much more than riches and power. So long as he is breathing, he will stop at nothing to reach his goals, all with his friends by his side. Contrary to the previous king, Jumin was difficult to marry off, and because of that, many rumors had circulated concerning his sexuality. Of course, he denied every single one and explained how he simply didn’t care about entering a relationship right now. It all changed once he had met the queen. 

The Queen- MC

A woman of many secrets and mysteries. No one knows how she wound up in the kingdom, how she met the king, and where she is from. Some claim to have never even seen her face, or heard her real name. Her identity is something few truly know, but despite her rather strange appearance, she had quickly gained the affection of her subjects. They might not be able to see her, but they can feel her. Her love and kindness can be felt throughout the land, and many will say that the day she arrived, the kingdom had never looked prettier. Her devout followers would call her an angel, but she merely giggles and claims she is just doing her best. 

The Bishop- 707

A man of many mysteries and a trivial past, he has become a devout follower of God to help those in need. His eccentricities might fool others to believing he doesn’t take his job seriously, but he ignores that in exchange for working in the shadows. He used to work for the Black Kingdom, but left to sort out his own feelings. Now, after having met the Queen, has been devoted to keeping her safe. He dreams of another life in which she could be his, but due to many unfortunate circumstances, he sticks with simply having her company. He isn’t above doing the ‘dirty work’ if it means his Queen is safe. He is the first to protect her, and is usually seen by her side telling her of anything that might be of concern. 

The Bishop- Jaehee Kang

A rather quiet and hardworking woman, who despite being a religious figure, has sometimes been known to help the King. The King, while seemingly uncaring for her, trusts her immensely to help, and she always gives her best effort. She does have plenty of admiration for one of the Knights, Zen, and when not working, usually stops by and watches him train or helps him with anything he may need. While at first suspicious of the Queen, she has since become great friends with her and the two hang out for tea and coffee whenever they can. She confides in her Queen whenever she can, and appreciates her for encouraging her to achieve her dreams. Doesn’t like conflict and is quick to end disputes. 

The Knight- Zen

A passionate and outgoing knight who takes pride in protecting his kingdom. He tends to joke about saving ‘damsels-in-distress’, and many females adore him for his looks. Although he can be considered narcissistic, he hates when people only see his face, not the hard work he contributes. Even though he gets on the ire of the King, both have some begrudging respect for one another. His love for the Queen is what fuels his desire to be better, and he takes his job as protecting her seriously. Zen occasionally forgets himself and gushes about how wonderful she is, and has tried to make songs to showcase his passion for her. Even though he has absolutely no chance with her, he still dreams of one day finding a lover who’ll appreciate him for him, and who he can spend the rest of his life with. He tends to be more brotherly with his fellow knight, Yoosung, and the two tend to spend time with one another, wallowing about how forever alone they’ll be. If he’s not working, he is most likely to be found get drunk at a pub or playing cards with some other knights. 

The Knight- Yoosung Kim

A fresh recruit to the order of knights, admittedly, many don’t know how he got in. Some say the King promised the young knight a chance, but whatever the reason is, many can’t see it. He is prone to get emotional and lonely, and while he appears sunny on the outside, holds a lot of trauma internally. Originally born into the Black Kingdom, he grew up with a loving family and his biggest motivator to become a knight was his cousin Rika. After she committed suicide when she was supposed to become Queen, he cursed the Black King and left to the White Kingdom, where he could start fresh. He may seem childish, but when matters turn dark, he is the first to sacrifice himself and help whoever. Animals seem to flock to him as well, and he says they’re a lot easier to understand than people. He is one the dirtiest knights to bunk with, but Zen manages to stand him. He has grown close to the White Queen and likes to chat with her about anything-leaving many of the servants to compare him to an excited puppy. He has much to learn, but with his kind heart, he is sure to become an excellent knight. 

The Black Kingdom

The King- V

A rather quiet man who grew up as childhood friends with the White King. He seemed to be promising, and many looked up to him to help them. The stress of being king didn’t deter him until he met Rika. The couple was to be engaged and married soon, but during that time many things changed about him. His sight had grown increasingly worse and his betrothed had become more unstable. Combined with the lack of trust between him and Jumin, a small rift formed. No longer was he the bright monarch his people could count on, but he submitted to the Black Queen and became a hallow shell of his former self. The sins he had committed will forever haunt him, as he tries to salvage whatever bit of humanity was left in himself and his queen. The supposed “suicide” of his queen only made him even more of a puppet to her schemes, and he prays for a day in which things could return to normal. 

The Queen-Rika

A once caring woman who became corrupted by the image she had to uphold. Hated from birth, she grew attached to V and wanted him to save her. She did her best to try and stay sane by helping others, but they had grown so dependent on her as they called her their ‘savior’. With no way to find an outlet, she began taking her pain out on V, the one thing that mattered in her life. She needed to be needed and devised a plan with V to stage her suicide. After her ‘death’ she grew a cult following behind the scenes to recruit more followers. She is the puppet-master, running both the cult and the kingdom with her iron fist. Her soft voice and words can lull anyone to her beck and call, as she tries to overtake the land to become the savior everyone wanted her to be. Her original goals and morals lost, she has abandoned rational thought in exchange for complete devotion to her and her ideals. There is absolutely NOTHING that will stop her from getting her way. 

The Pawn- Unknown

The Queen’s most prized player. Mistakenly thinking he was abandoned by his brother, he was quick to fall into Rika’s divisive hands. Abused and reduced to nothing more than her personal pawn, he forgot who he truly was. His emotions numbed by the elixirs, he cannot remember much of himself except the name, ‘Saeyoung’, and a constant feeling of misery and pain. He carries out all her duties and takes his aggression out on supposed traitors. Unknown has difficulty understanding his own self and the world around him, instead longing for a place called ‘paradise’. He has no clue of what it will look like, but he has a feeling that if he kidnaps the White Queen, she’ll be the answer to what he’s looking for. 

Unknown Pieces

Killer Queen

Her appearance is similar to that of the White Queen, although that’s where the similarities end. She is a conniving and selfish woman, who craves whatever her hearts desire is at the time. Nothing can stand in between her and her beloved, and she’ll make sure they feel absolute hell. She is an anomaly, a figure who had no previous background or history. As the White Queen becomes more brilliant, the Killer Queen becomes more repulsive and destructive. If the two halves were to meet...it is unknown what would happen, but the very fabric of the universe could possibly tear in two. 

[callboxkat]

Aftermath

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Author’s note: This just sort of... happened. I’ve been craving sympathetic Deceit content recently, but there isn’t a lot of it out there. I saw a prompt (can’t remember where) that was just “Shut up and let me help you!” and I thought of this. I actually finished the thing, against my expectations, and I kind of like it. I’m a bit apprehensive about posting it, since it’s so different from my College AU, but here it is! Because of the warnings, the work is under the cut, and I’m not going to use my regular tag list. Also, sorry I’m bad at titles.

Warnings: Depictions of violence, or more accurately, the aftermath of violence. Sympathetic Deceit. Roman being a little less than nice (he’s a protective boy). Food mention. Mild dehydration. Blood. Sleep deprivation. It’s pretty angsty, but I can’t leave things with unhappy endings, so....

Summary: Deceit has just escaped from one of the other “dark sides”, who had decided that it was time someone punished Deceit for his recent actions. He manages to escape, but gets lost, and collapses in the far reaches of the mindscape. He’s all but given up, but someone finds him.

Word Count: 2956

Ao3 Link

Writing Masterpost

Deceit stared blankly at the opposite wall, breathing heavily. He was currently sitting against the wall of a hallway in the mindscape, one yellow-gloved hand clutching his wounded side as he struggled to catch his breath. He wasn’t sure where he was. The mindscape could be, theoretically, infinite, generating new rooms and hallways as the sides traveled through it. He could still be near where he had begun, or he could be miles away. Deceit couldn’t quite recall how far he’d managed to flee.

He had collapsed in this spot about ten minutes prior, unable to run anymore. Thankfully, he could no longer hear the loud, purposeful footsteps of his pursuer. He must have given up, deciding that Deceit wasn’t worth the trouble.

He wasn’t even sure what he had done to deserve such a beating. Sure, Thomas now knew who he was, and that the other “dark sides”, as Roman had dubbed them, existed, but that wasn’t entirely Deceit’s fault. Besides, Thomas still didn’t know any specifics about the other dark sides, so the other side needn’t have been so angry. Although he almost always was.

Deceit sucked in a painful breath, sluggishly pushing his head off of the wall so that he could look down at his side. The bruises on his face throbbed as he stared down at his torso. Blood seeped between his fingers.

His vision swam, and he got a strange sense that he was falling despite already being on the floor, the wall all that was keeping him from being completely laying down.

He was dizzy, his whole body ached, and he was so, so tired.

Deceit’s punishment had occurred over a period lasting a few days. He had been dragged, kicking and yelling, into a dark room. He’d been beaten, deprived of sleep (sudden, loud sounds every minute or two was a good way to ensure that), and denied food and water. All without explanation other than that he deserved it for what he had done. What exactly he had done was never explained, so Deceit could only guess.

Deceit realized that his eyes had slipped shut, and he forced them open again. He had to stay alert. The other dark side still might find him.

…

Footsteps.

Deceit tried to raise his head towards the sound, but it felt like it weighed a ton.

The footsteps grew louder, and Deceit realized that he could hear laughter. Laughter that certainly didn’t belong to the side who had done this to him. There was no malice to it at all, just a childish glee.

Something ran past him. Brown, fluffy—a puppy? Deceit managed to get his head up, but the puppy was already gone. The footsteps, however, were not.

They slowed.

“Deceit?”

No, no, just go away!

The “light side” knelt before him. “Are you okay, kiddo?”

Deceit didn’t reply.

“Is that—is that blood?”

“Yes.” If Deceit told the truth, Patton would assume he was lying, and maybe he would leave.

The moral side, however, wasn’t fooled. He was pulling his cat hoodie—not a cardigan, as Deceit had foolishly worn at the theatre—from his shoulders, and moved to press it to Deceit’s wound.

He scrabbled at the wall, trying to move away “I want and need your help!” he cried, his voice annoyingly weak.

“Shut up and let me help you!” Patton snapped, grabbing him. “What on earth happened?”

Deceit gave up, slumping back against the wall. He couldn’t get away from Patton if he wanted to, he knew. The adrenaline from his escape had also all but worn off, and things were really starting to catch up with him.

“Deceit? Can you hear me, kiddo?”  Deceit noticed for the first time how scared Patton sounded. He really must look bad. “I’m—I’m gonna summon the others, so they can help.”

Deceit made a noise in the back of his throat, finding that he couldn’t quite form words. His vision was graying, and the falling sensation was back.

“What the hell—!”

“Patton! I thought we agreed no summoning without warning!”

“What…?”

Deceit barely heard the new voices.

“What the heck happened?”

He was aware that someone was shaking his shoulder, tapping on his face, but he was too out of it to move. He couldn’t’ even really see anymore.

“Deceit? Deceit, wake up!”

It was okay. The light sides might hate him, but they were the good aspects of Thomas’s personality. He could let go. They wouldn’t hurt him. Not like… not like Malice.

Deceit let go.

…

“…sure this isn’t a trick?”

“Roman, surely even Deceit would not go to such extremes for the sake of trickery.”

“He’s a snake, Logan! A slimy, lying snake! You don’t know what he would or wouldn’t do!”

“Guys, he just moved. I think he might be awake.”

“Deceit? Kiddo?”

Deceit let out a soft moan. He didn’t know where he was, or what was going on. He couldn’t figure out why people were yelling. He could understand what they were saying, but he wasn’t awake enough to put much meaning to the words.

“There you are.” Something cool and damp was dabbed gently across his forehead. It felt nice. “Can you open your eyes for me? I know you’re swollen, so maybe just the one?”

This voice spoke so sweetly that Deceit tried to do what it asked. He pulled himself towards full awareness, fighting to open his eyes. The right one refused to budge for some reason, but his left flickered open.

Faces hovered above him. His vision focused on them after a few seconds. The light sides. Patton looked hopeful, but worried. Logan looked curious. Virgil was apprehensive. And Roman looked wary.

“Hey, Deceit. Can you drink some water for me? You’re pretty dehydrated.”

A straw was put to his mouth, and Deceit took a sip. It might have been the best water he had ever tasted.

“Not too much just yet,” Logan advised as Deceit took another mouthful of water. The straw was taken away.

“Really, guys, this still feels like a trick,” Roman said, moving away.

“Roman, the guy can’t even stand,” Virgil pointed out. “Even if he wants to pull something, there’s four of us verses one guy who looks like a punching bag.”

Deceit’s eyelids were heavy. He was a little distressed about the yelling, about the light sides sending him away again, but it was so hard to stay awake….

“Roman, Deceit’s staying here, and that’s final,” Patton announced, his Dad Voice kicking in.

Deceit could have cried with relief.

“Fine, but I’m not letting him out of my sight. And he’s out of here as soon as he can walk!”

Deceit didn’t hear the rest of the conversation. He let sleep carry him away.

…

The other sides had gone to go about their business in the mindscape, leaving Patton alone with Deceit. Even Roman had eventually left, although he had insisted that Patton keep his sword, just in case. Patton had reluctantly agreed, although he had no intentions of using it.

He sat on the arm of the sofa, watching over the unconscious dark side. Occasionally he would switch out the washcloth that lay on his forehead, or check on the wound on his chest. Deceit was covered in bruises, the right side of his face swollen to near unrecognizability. A bag of frozen peas was helping to alleviate the swelling. It looked like someone left-handed had punched him repeatedly, and finally stabbed him. Who had done this? Why?

It made Patton angry. He didn’t get angry often, but to see someone in such a state, especially a part of the FamILY (“dark side” or not), filled him with a barely contained rage. At times his hands shook with it as he tended to Deceit.

It was only luck that had led him to the injured side in the first place. Roman, with his ability to conjure puppies, had created one for Patton to play with that day. The puppy had been very energetic, running through the mindscape, with Patton gleefully chasing after. And the puppy had ran through a part of it that the sides seldom visited, as only Logan held much desire to determine how expansive the mindscape could become. The others were usually apprehensive of becoming lost, or in Roman’s case, preferred to design their own adventures rather than explore what could essentially become an endless maze.

He stayed there with Deceit until late in the night. It had been an exhausting day, stressing over the welfare of the injured side and trying to put him back together. Patton tried not to fall asleep, but he found himself occasionally dozing off. Roman found him there a little past midnight, only half-awake, and told him to go to bed.

“I’ll keep an eye on him,” he had promised.

Patton had nodded sleepily before stumbling off to his room.

…

The next time Deceit woke up, he felt more aware of his surroundings. He was lying on one of two couches in what must have been the light sides’ common area, propped up on pillows and with a thick blanket over his legs.

The lights were dimmed, but he could see well enough. He could open both eyes this time, although just barely. Someone had removed his shirt, and there was a thick bandage around his torso. He tried not to wince at the bruises patterned across his skin.

There was a glass of water on the table at his side. Deceit tried to sit up, hissing in pain. He didn’t manage to sit up all the way, but he propped himself up on an elbow and downed the glass of water.

“Awake, are we, fiend?” a voice said. Deceit froze.

A man stepped into view, wielding a sword. Roman.

“No, I’m not awake,” Deceit said, his voice hoarse. “And I’m certainly hatching a villainous plan at this very moment.”

Roman frowned at him, sitting in a chair directly across from the couch. “Why else would you only choose to stir at 3 in the morning?” he asked, narrowing his eyes. “You’d probably think this was the perfect time to strike, you snake.”

Deceit knew that Roman was just trying to protect his friends, but seriously, what could he even do if he wanted to con them?

“Roman, what are you doing?” That was Virgil.

“I’m keeping watch over our prisoner. Go back to bed.”

“Okay, for one thing, he’s not a prisoner. And why do you need a sword?”

“For self-defense!”

Virgil stepped into Deceit’s field of vision, looking down at the dark side with skepticism. “Roman, Patton said that we’re going to treat him like a guest. I don’t like him either, but I don’t think you usually take care of guests by wielding a sword in their face.”

Roman pouted at Virgil, probably annoyed that the anxious side was ruining his valiant hero vibe. Virgil rolled his eyes. He looked towards Deceit. “Do you want something to eat?”

Deceit slowly shook his head.

“Alright, what do you want?”

“Nothing sounds good,” he replied.

Virgil shrugged and headed into the kitchen. A few minutes later, he reappeared with a plate. Two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were stacked on it. Deceit devoured the first of them greedily. He almost didn’t notice Virgil eyeing him.

“I should get the others,” Virgil said, not addressing anyone in particular. “I’ll be right back.” He looked towards Roman. “Try not to threaten him too much while I’m gone, okay?”

“Fiiine.”

And Virgil left.

Thankfully the awkward silence (in which Roman watched suspiciously and Deceit picked at the second sandwich) didn’t last very long. Patton came jogging into the room, followed by Virgil and Logan at a much slower pace.

“Deceit! You’re up!”

Deceit glanced around at them all. He felt… out of place. He’d never been to this part of the mindscape, so deep in the light sides’ domain. He usually only saw the light sides when he was travelling in ambiguously owned areas, or when one of them came to the dark sides’ part of the mind, or more recently, when they went to the real world. It was strange to see Patton looking at him with such care, and even Virgil held pity in his gaze. Roman’s reaction was more like he was used to, but he wasn’t being overtly hostile anymore.

Logan stepped forward and handed Deceit some pills and a glass of water. “These are painkillers,” he explained. “They won’t take away the pain entirely, but they will help.”

“Thanks,” Deceit murmured before downing the pills.

“What happened?” Virgil asked.

“Ah… well…” Deceit decided to tell the truth for once. “One of the dark sides was feeling less than amicable towards me, and decided to carry out what he felt was a suitable punishment. I managed to escape when he… when he stabbed me, and accidentally cut one of the ropes.”

The other sides shared glances, looking somewhat shocked. Roman’s sword lowered towards the floor.

“How do we know this is the truth?” Roman asked, not quite willing to let go of his suspicions yet.

Deceit sighed, settling back against the pillows. “If I wanted to trick you into pitying me, I would have shown up with a bruised cheekbone or something. I wouldn’t stab myself in the f—” he glanced towards Patton “—in the kidney.”

“You were not stabbed in the—”

“He’s not being literal, Logan,” Virgil sighed.

“Oh. My apologies.”

“Worry about it,” Deceit sighed, slipping back into his habit of always saying the opposite of what he meant.

Logan opened his mouth, then shut it again. Shaking his head, he turned and walked out of the room. “I am going back to bed. Fetch me if anything changes.”

Patton went to the kitchen and returned with a frozen bag of peas, which he handed to Deceit. “For your face,” he said. Deceit took the bag gratefully, and very tenderly put it against the right side of his face.

“I am going to get some rest as well,” Roman said. He glanced towards Deceit, less suspicious now, and began to leave, but paused. “Sorry about earlier. You’re not always a fiend.” With that, he departed.

…

Over the next few days, Deceit continued to improve. The others still tended to avoid looking at his face—when Deceit finally looked in a mirror, he found he couldn’t blame them—but he was improving. He was able to walk short distances with the help of the pain meds Logan supplied. He mostly stayed in the commons, sleeping on the couch, and never ventured into the light sides’ rooms.

None of them had heard anything from any of the dark sides, and Deceit didn’t believe that the light sides had tried to contact them to tell them that Deceit was with them. They probably assumed that he had crawled off somewhere in the mindscape to die, he thought. Which, essentially, he had, until Patton had found him.

Patton was still the only one who really treated him kindly, but the others were slowly coming around, and they were saints when compared to what most of the dark sides were like. Compared to what Malice was like.

Deceit wasn’t looking forward to leaving.

…

“Hey, Deceit? Are you awake?”

He was, just barely, but Deceit kept his eyes shut. It had been a little over a week now since Patton had found him bleeding out in the mindscape’s labyrinth. He was almost healed at this point, so he knew it was only a matter of time before they banished him back to the other dark sides.

He had just about fallen back asleep when he felt a hand on his arm. “Come on, Deceit, wake up.”

“Mmmm.”

“Are you with me?”

“…No.”

“Come on, I want to talk to you.”

Deceit opened his eyes. Virgil was leaning over the sofa, peering down at him. He removed his hand from the dark side’s arm.

“Good evening,” Deceit said, his eyes flicking over to the morning light peeking through the blinds. The commons was made to look realistic, even though those windows didn’t truly lead outside.

“Hey,” Virgil replied as Deceit sat up. “So, um, the rest of us have been talking, and we have something we want to ask you.”

Deceit frowned. He looked around, and saw that Logan, Patton, and Roman were standing at the edge of the room. He studied their expressions. Logan’s was unreadable, but Patton was clearly nervously excited, and Roman looked conflicted.

“Well, don’t ask me already,” Deceit finally said.

“Do you want to stay with us?” Patton asked, the words coming out very quickly. He seemed unable to contain them any longer.

“I’m… not already here….” Deceit said haltingly, confused.

“We are asking you if you wish to remain here, indefinitely, with us “light sides”, as we have recently come to be known. We are reluctant to send you back to live with repressed aspects of Thomas’s personality who treat you so poorly. Even in spite of this more… emotional reason for you to be here, would also make logical sense for you to move to this part of the mindscape, as Thomas now knows that you exist. You are no longer “in the dark”, as it were. You are, arguably, now a “light side”.”

Deceit stared at Logan as he finished his explanation.

“I think you broke him,” Roman said after a few seconds.

“Deceit?” Patton asked.

Deceit cleared his throat. “Um… yes. Yes, I’d like to stay.” Patton briefly started to look disappointed, but Deceit quickly added, “I’m telling the truth!”

“Really?”

“Yes. I want to stay.”

[wisdomrays]

THE GUIDE FOR THE YOUTH: The Twenty-Third Word.Part10

IN HIS NAME WE GLORIFY

This lecture which has been written with the spiritual support of our beloved and precious Teacher Bediuzzaman and with the influence of the lessons from the Treatises of Light, is a sweet pleasant conversation regarding the Treatises of Light. I am not capable of explaining the value of the Treatises of Light, And I dare not. Please do not suppose that I can do this. Because I am an ignorant and the most novice reader of the Treatises. My cultural background is not sufficient to describe the value of such a masterpiece which acquired such a fame amongst the Nations. I have to admit this.

The great honor belongs to the intellectual, scholarly, virtuous readers of the Treatises of Light who are intelligent and appreciative.

Yes, I had not read any single article in the Press and in our Books that was explaining the value of the HOLY QURAN until the moment I met the Treatises of Light.

Later I understood that the foreign great men admired the Holy Quran more than the intellectuals rising in our country over the last fifty years. The Noble Quran the Sun of the entire World has been placed at the high position which it deserves inside the green silk fabrics in the White House in America.

Inventors, philosopher, doctors, lawyers, psychologists have been studying and making use of the books written on the principles of the Noble Quran. These important persons have been acquiring international fame thanks to the informations they extract from this Holy Book.

Sweden, Norway and Finland have organized a special Board of Scholars that has searched for a Great Book to save their youth. Finally they decided that the HOLY QURAN must be studied by all in order to make the Youth to gain best moral qualities and become broad-minded intellectuals.

There have been many Foreigners who admired Islam and the Quran. Since Non-Muslims admire and make use of the Holy Book of Islam, the smart Muslim Youth cannot hesitate and be negligent any longer.

Our Glorious Lord has responded to the most sacred and most sincere desire of the Youth also in the Twentieth Century.

He granted the TREATISES OF LIGHT (RISALE-I NUR) which are the genuine commentary and interpretation of the HOLY QURAN for this century of civilization. These treatises have been sourced from the Holy Quran and authored within the principles of the Holy Quran.

The author is Bediuzzaman (The Wonder of the Age). Great many scholars and scientists confirmed that the honourable author of the Treatises of Light had been deservedly called Bediuzzaman (the Wonder of the Age). Nevertheless, such a famous and powerful person has not become known to all.

Yes, the Communists worked in our society over the last fifteen-twenty years. Let alone present such Genius of ours, they slander Him with several false stories. They made use of all Media and opportunities in order to succeed in this. They are trying very hard in speaking ill of our Scholars before the Nation. We perceived the truth of the matter only within the last one year. We understood that our Press and Media were full of Communist Microbes thanks to the development of Democracy in our Country. And all the while we were deceived.

We cleaned our minds from the false propaganda and lies about our Religious Scholars. We got rid of the negative impressions about them. Then we embraced our QURAN from which all the genuine intellectuals of the World benefited.

And afterwards we began to study the masterpieces interpreted from the QURAN into our Language. Just like the young generation do not know the true value of the great works of our Great Men such as MAWLANA JALALUDDIN, YUNUS EMRE and EVLIYA CELEBI, the youth do not know much about BEDIUZZAMAN.

However those who happened to learn the existence of such a Precious Person have immediately perceived His high value, and desired strongly to benefit from Him. Inshaallah (Allah willing) many millions of people in Turkey and in the whole World will benefit from the works of this Great Man.

This estimate and wish has been much more reinforced by the power, strength and innovation inside the Treatises of Light.

Yes, the books which can make the contemporary human beings happy are solely the Treatises of Light. This is certain belief of those who read and study the Treatises of Light, not only the words of some Lazy student like me.

Just like that those who embrace the Holy Quran will have happiness in both the World and the Hereafter, those who study and practice the Risale-i Nur (Treatises of Light) which are illuminating and high commentaries of the Quran, will attain the True Happiness. The youth who will study them will have a bright future, they will become intellectual and cultural persons. We believe unshakably that our morality will be elevated as long as we study them...

As much as we study them, we learn obedience to OUR ALLAH, OUR PROPHET, our parents and to the right and just Law... Let the people read them and try them. Then those who read personally will decide themselves on these opinions.

If I can enter into the Masjid of our Prophet Hazrat MUHAMMAD (Peace & Greetings be upon Him) and if I can go up to the Minaret of His Masjid and if Allah gives me a strong voice so that the entire World can hear me, I will proclaim with all my power and strength that :

“the Treatises of Light are the Masterpiece works which will save all the Youth and the Humanity from evil, error, corruption and bestiality...”

I cannot estimate the greatness of the sacred desire of those people who dive into the OCEAN OF LIGHT since the Treatises of Light have awakened such a high desire in me even if I studied only nine or ten books yet.

You don’t need to receive explanations from any source in order to have an idea about the Treatises of Light. You read these luminous works yourself. The Light of the Holy Quran will fill in you and will develop your Faith. The Treatises of Light will convince you that due to belief the World is more delightful than the Paradise. You will begin to love the World not for a transient life but for an Eternal Life. You will understand once more that performing the ritual prayers is a great genuine pleasure.

You will begin to enjoy so much to enter the presence of our Great Allah during prayers that your days without prayers will become full of distress and suffering. You will feel most joyful, most pleasing and happiest moments of your life during prayers. In fact you all know too that those who perform this sacred duty properly will have joy and happiness in the World and in the Hereafter and they actually do.

When you will be engaged in the service of the Treatises of Light (Risale-i Nur), if they invite you to the Paradise while living on Earth, you would not want to go to Paradise yet leaving that service, such a great honor like to serve the Holy Qur’an, by realizing that such a sacred duty and such a high happiness are available right now in this world.

When we say that the world can be considered as a virtual paradise from the point of view of Faith, some may reply: what pleasure have we had till this day in this world life and how in the future can we lead a life of pleasure?

In fact the Treatises of Light have proven with their strong logical proofs and definitive evidences that this World is like a spiritual paradise for the people of Faith and it is like a spiritual Hell for the people of Misguidance.

Risale-i Nur (Treatises of Light) have been authored with the Divine Favor, not written by the author’s own choice, in order to save the Muslims of the 20th Century and all Human Beings from the deep Darkness of Materialist Opinions and terrible

roads of Misguidance. You can read the Treatises of Light continuously with the unhurried behaviour and by learning the meanings of the theological words in them. Some kind of cheerfulness and a strong zeal will be aroused in you like those who work hard night and day.

If you are taking a little slowly, remember that you are under the influence of your carnal mind. Then you must increase the level of your activity immediately. Because the youth is going to end. It is our strong determination not to waist even five minutes in the way to study such books whose values are not measurable.

The fortunate people who study the Risale-i Nur are definitely not concerned with personal material benefits. Because their goals are to obtain the Divine Consent. Thanks Allah, now these are millions of our beloved friends who have perceived that studying and working for the Risale-i Nur is the service for our Holy Book. No one can deny this fact which is clearly apparent for those who have sound minds. There are even some students who do not complete their night-sleeps for the sake of Risale-i Nur Studies which are for sake of Allah.

There are even such true students of THE LIGHT who are at the service of the Treatises of Light: If he is offered the wealth of American Billionaire Ford for copying and publishing some other books instead of Risale-i Nur (Treatises of Light), he will reply as follows even without lifting his pen from the lines of Risale-i Nur :

“Even if you give the whole wealth and the kingdom of the World to me, I will not accept. Because Allah Almighty will give me an inexhaustible eternal Treasure due to the Service of Risale-i Nur. I wonder if that wealth of yours can make me happy? That is quite doubtful. But there is no doubt and misgiving about an Eternal Treasure and a True Happiness which Allah Almighty will bestow on me.”

If a young man was a little late to appreciate the value of Risale-i Nur (Treatises of Light), he will say with great grief:

“ I must dedicate this poor Youth of mine which awakened lately for the Services and Studies on the path of the Qur’an and the Faith for the sake of our Beloved Allah and our Beloved Prophet, absolutely not for the temporary things of this world. I cannot fail to write and publish the Treatises of Light (Risale-i Nur).”

Some people might think that we are disconnected from this World completely when they see that we are so much engaged in the Treatises of Light. On the contrary, we first complete our job correctly if we are single professionals, or our lessons and home works if we are students, or our duty if we are civil servants. Reading the Risalei- Nur has been giving us strength and enthusiasm by multiplying our success in these world affairs.

[wxldchxld]

😰when my muse is stressed, how do they act out? & ⧱ what really is my muse’s biggest flaw

😰 when my muse is stressed, how do they act out? 

I guess it depends on the type of stress. If she’s just like, overloaded stressed where she feels like she’s taken on too much, her response is to leave. This can be everything from taking a break to completely bailing on the person or situation entirely and not returning to it. Beck is a bottler. So her first instinct is to shove it down and pretend to be happy and make everyone happy and she thinks if she can just achieve that the stress will go away. The end result is now not only has Beck fled the situation, but also that it probably came out of the blue. This was, essentially, the core of why she and Harper broke up. Things changed, Beck spooked, and instead of saying “hey we need to talk” she just disappeared into the night.

That was kind of a special situation, and a lot of the times Beck will come back once she’s cooled off, but she’d still rather not talk about it. Unless you’re someone she trusts and genuinely wants a relationship with. If those feelings are in place she’ll be more willing to talk or even may force herself to initiate it. She didn’t with Harper because... shit was complicated.

If she’s extremely distressed where she feels like she is in danger she either runs or shifts or grabs her wand. Depends because she tends to leap before she thinks, so she’s rarely like “so what would be best for me in THIS crisis situation.” 

⧱ what really is my muse’s biggest flaw

My girl is a hot mess, and I could probably fill a book if I tried to list all of the flaws so I’m glad we’re going with one.

This isn’t something that Beck is aware of, and if you confronted her with it, she’d adamantly deny it, but from an authorial stand point Beck’s biggest flaw is she doesn’t value other people just on the moral grounds that they too are people. And it’s not just because she’s a bit vain.

Hang with me, because my explanation for how she got that way isn’t going to seem relative at first because it’s a combination of two neutral things that have, over time, created a negative.

I feel like Beck’s naturally a wanderer. She’s not necessarily a loner, because she doesn’t get those desires to escape being around people, especially if they’re people she likes. For instance in a relationship, while Beck doesn’t prefer clingy partners, she also doesn’t really hit a wall where she’s like “holy shit if we don’t get some space from one another I might explode.”

However Beck will very often prioritize her desire to see new places and travel around over relationships. It’s about the journey, yes, but it’s also about her intense desire to feel free which comes from a childhood of constant criticism and frequent abuse, as well as it’s just a result of her magic. The wilds call to her. This is why in verses where Beck is married and forced to stay still, she keeps herself almost frantically busy, and she doesn’t cope well in urban areas bc she still needs that exposure to the wilderness. 

Essentially, the first neutral is that Beck values her own freedom and comfort over the comfort of others. But she’s not emotionless; leaving people hurts. When she left Harper, even though it was her choice, she cried for months. Her solution? Just don’t get close to people. Keep them at an arm’s length. Because the desire to leave is going to come, and someone is going to get hurt and Beck doesn’t like hurting people she loves or getting hurt herself.

The second thing is Beck was severely mistreated by her mother after the death of her father. Denise removed her children from the home and family they knew, took them somewhere else, changed their names, and then proceeded to neglect and abuse them away from prying eyes that might call her out on it. People were just too scared to go against her. Beck bore a little more weight from the abuse because Denise didn’t like her. She was defiant, unlike Fen. Then her mother died (in most verses; in my GoT verse she dies later), and she was given to her great aunt and uncle to raise, and they were abusive as well. Then her brother, once they were older, started to lose his grip on his sanity, and he abused her too. 

So Beck’s essentially been passed from family member to family member, and even Fen, who at one time she loved and trusted more than anyone in the world, fucked her over.

This is NOT an excuse. People are handed their deck of cards in life and, to some extent, they make a choice. When Beck hit her crossroads the first time where she was with Harper, someone who could protect her and would believe her, she chose to leave. Again after Fen kills her familiar Dawnbreaker, and she’s found a way to escape, she doesn’t go tell someone what he’s doing. She doesn’t skip the country and make a life for herself in a city where no one will find her with a coven that might protect her. She chooses to go back to the wild. When that very action is what she knows provokes the anxiety and rage in Fenris in the first place.

Over time, both of these factors, as well as the sheer amount of time she spends in isolation, has turned into the fact that Beck (who is also naturally kinda vain) usually doesn’t see people as anything but a danger or a nuisance. This is why she doesn’t care about stealing from them or conning them, and sometimes she even sees the act of manipulating others as kind of a game. It’s why if she feels slighted, she doesn’t feel even slightly sorry for sending a hex your way. She doesn’t even get pissed off about it really. It’s just like “oh he’s a prick... I’ll turn him into a cow for a week or so.” And she doesn’t think at all about how royally that could fuck someone up in their head, especially if they didn’t know about magic. She doesn’t care. 

She’ll hex people to get out of tight spots too. I won’t say she likes this, but if she feels it’s beneficial enough she won’t blink an eye. 

Like I said she’ll steal, and she’ll spy too. Now she’s not about to go steal like, national information that could endanger millions, but if you want a private investigator that doesn’t give a fuck about laws or privacy just go to Beck.

Probably the worst thing is that a lot of the times she is just either completely unaware of the problems of others or she doesn’t care unless it is extreme. She’s not going to let someone hurt a kid or beat a woman or something like that if she’s in a position where she knows about it and can stop it... but she won’t readily put herself in harm’s way just to help someone else either. It’s not a heroic “I must act now!” sort of thing if she gets involved. Even her work with the SoE in some verses where it is literally her job to remove people that are being abused from situations where the law won’t help, she does it because she feels like she owes the SoE a debt and she almost never puts herself at risk during that time.

Beck just---doesn’t consider people. Often her attempts to make them happy are a result of old coping mechanisms, channeling her own hyperactive energy, or an attempt to make them more pliable for manipulation. 

Beck is extremely difficult to get close to on a real level. After two years on this blog I can honestly say she’s got maybe one person SHE would call a friend outside of the muses I write and have given her extended history with. Even in many of her relationships, while she’s gotten to the point where she cares about the other person some and has started to think about how they might feel in a situation and put that on equal footing as how she feels.

I enjoy writing this because I feel like lots of people use this trait, but that they do it differently. Distant characters are often painted as cold sarcastic loners who are just kind of assholes. That’s not Beck. She’s very warm and bubbly and she can be attracted to people, interested in people, and kind to people, all while consistently lying to them, keeping her true feelings bottled up, and lacking trust in them entirely. And like I said she doesn’t really realize that she devalues people like this, but she does. She only realizes it later when she starts to care for them and often has to dig herself out of a mountain of lies she’s told. Some of which are even actively dangerous to the other person.

[jugandbettsdetectiveagency]

The Serpent and The Swan - Ch.1

After expecting a marriage to Prince Archibald, Princess Elizabeth is shocked to hear of her new match to Prince Forsythe - a Serpent. What begins as a less than ideal match soon turns into something quite different, but nothing is ever as it seems when it comes to royalty.

Back at it again with a new multi chapter! I don’t know how frequent updates will be for this one, so bear with me, and I hope you enjoy! Sorry mobile readers, I had to put it under a cut <3

Read on AO3

“Elizabeth, where are you?”

Those four words haunted her – day in, day out. If not those it was something similar. Elizabeth, you have to come here. Elizabeth, you can’t wear that for dinner. Elizabeth, please stop doing that. Elizabeth, Elizabeth, Elizabeth. She was so tired of the sound the name made as it rang out through the castle. She had enjoyed, however, the tone her sister, Polly, used as she said it in mocking, causing her to hide her giggle behind her hand before their mother caught them.

Polly. Thoughts of her sister clouded her mind as she walked past the tightly locked door that led to her sister’s quarters. Or, more accurately, what used to be her sister’s quarters. Defiled and disgraced, Polly had been banished from the castle, disowned by the Cooper faction as an example of where ill morals would lead you if you let them.

Betty scoffed. She didn’t see Polly’s dismissal from court as a punishment. No, Polly had succeeded in getting what Betty knew that she herself would never manage to obtain – freedom. When she could Polly wrote to her sister, telling Betty tales of her life as the wife of a farmer on the outskirts of the Andrews’ faction, happily set on bedrest, making garments for her future babe while her doting husband worked tirelessly to provide for them all. Betty was aware that fairy tales usually involved princes and princesses, but to her Polly’s current affair sounded like the stuff of romance, like those that filled the pages of the books that littered her well-loved library. There had been a few close calls when she was certain that Alice, their mother, had intercepted their letters, but she still prayed that Polly never stopped sending them; they were her only link to the outside world, to a life of normalcy.

“Elizabeth!” The shout had taken on a firmer edge now, echoing off the stone walls that closed in on her. Betty quickened her pace, hurrying towards the Throne Room to avoid further scolding.

“Yes, Mother?” she asked, not until after curtseying before the throne her father, King Henry, sat upon, gazing down at her from the raised platform with careful, guarded eyes. The blue in his eyes always held more warmth than that of Queen Alice’s, she’d thought; where his were the still, shallow waters of a warm harbour, her mother’s eyes were the icy glaciers that shrouded the freezing islands of the South, relentless and unforgiving.

“I’ve been calling you,” Alice replied, ignoring Betty’s question. She did her best not to sigh.

“I’m sorry, Mother. I was in the library with Mistress Geraldine,” she offered by way of explanation, hoping the mention of her tutor would satisfy her mother’s complaints. The queen pursed her lips tightly, the lines of aging that surrounded them becoming more pronounced with the action.

“Elizabeth, we have news for you. Regarding your impending marriage,” Alice continued on in a sterile tone, clearly moving past her accusations of tardiness. Betty straightened at that, curious as to what she could mean.

“But I thought Archie– Prince Archibald,” she stammered, “was engaged to be married to Princess Veronica?” Betty questioned with a furrowed brow, the words tasting bitter on her tongue.

She still couldn’t deny the pang of longing that sparked in her chest at the image his name conjured. With his classically handsome face and beautiful copper hair, every inch as charming as he was beautiful, Prince Archibald Andrews was the dream husband for any girl, princess or not. Betty had always believed herself to be lucky, watching with barely concealed glee as many of their acquaintances shot them jealous looks as they walked together, be it at a ball or around the castle gardens.

Their match had been decided at a young age, an alliance between the Coopers and the Andrews deemed to be nothing but beneficial for all involved. Archie and Betty had grown up in close neighbouring factions, the split in their kingdoms barely noticeable as their families ruled so close together. He was the perfect gentleman, she the adoring courtee. Far cry from the days in which the prince used to pull her pigtails and threaten to feed her to the (imaginary) sharks that occupied the castle’s moat, her early teenage years spent with Archie were filled with shy, unfamiliar exploration, and wide eyed glances at each other across the dinner table.

He’d been her first kiss, too. Beneath a shadowed alcove behind one of the marble pillars in the Great Hall, Archie had cupped her flushed cheek with his gentle hand and pressed his cool lips to hers in a simple, yet thrilling, kiss. She could still feel the pressure if she thought hard enough about it.

Betty thought their marriage was imminent, having no reason to assume otherwise. That was until Archie’s courting trips became few and far between as the weeks passed. He became distant and aloof, rarely meeting her eye as she tried desperately to keep his affections for her growing. It was the first time she’d been truly upset with Polly for following her heart instead of her duty, believing that it was the scandal that was potentially ruining her future happiness as Elizabeth Andrews.

She wanted to scream with frustration every time the heavy oak doors were closed on her prying eyes and attentive ears, watching as her parents sat with solemn faces opposite King Frederick and Queen Mary, their grave countenance extinguishing the last little candle of hope that tried to burn, despite the lack of oxygen as she bit her tongue, in Betty’s tight chest.

It was at the May Festival, this year held within the boundaries of the Andrews’ land, when any hope that Betty had left dwindled to nought. She had been frantically searching the crowds for a flash of brilliant red, amidst the vivid creams and pinks and greens of the decorations. Her speech ran through her head on repeat, perfectly rehearsed and ready to assure Archie that Polly’s indiscretion meant nothing in the face of the love they shared; they could make their parents and their people understand this. His buoyant laugh caused her to turn, breath catching in her throat as she hurried towards the sound, only to be stopped in her tracks upon seeing the source of her betrothed’s joy.

Princess Veronica was the epitome of desire. With narrowed, knowing eyes and sleek, ebony hair, Betty could understand why the Lodge’s crest featured a Raven. She was confident and enticing, clothed in rich purples where Betty had the colour of fresh peonies draped over her delicate frame. Betty had heard countless stories of dukes and lords who had fallen under the spell of Her Royal Highness, convinced that they could be the one to tame her – but they all left, dejected and humiliated once she’d had her fun.

And here she was, sinking her talons into her affianced, her Archie. Betty stumbled towards the pair, cheeks flaming, as she prepared to demand an explanation of the girl. Her joints locked as she watched Archie dip lower to whisper in Veronica’s ear, his hand slipping discreetly lower from her waist to her hip, a flush of desire gracing both of their faces. The pair locked eyes, tension palpable between their gazes, before lacing their hands and disappearing into the castle.

Betty had been sure she was heartbroken when her parents informed her of Polly’s betrayal, and that she was forbidden from entering the castle henceforth. But this feeling was something entirely new, never before experienced by her tender, young heart. Betty pressed a hand to her chest, as if she could stop the organ falling out from beneath her breast as a deep-rooted pain sprung from within. She would never find a love like this again, not as long as she lived.

The princess felt the hot sting of tears readying for descent at the corners of her eyes. Before the flood could release she caught sight of her mother across the courtyard. The subtle, yet pointed, shake of the queen’s head made the moisture freeze, fingernails biting into her palms as she willed the emotions down and replaced the trembling in her lips with a bright smile as a lord asked for her hand in the next dance.

The engagement of Prince Archibald and Princess Veronica was announced soon after.

“He is. In fact, the wedding has already taken place.” Betty wished she could cry, but even if she wasn’t before her mother there were no tears left, the last of them still drying on the white lace of her pillow. She clenched her fists instead. “We didn’t think you’d want to attend, we told them you’d taken ill with a fever,” Alice informed her with a casual wave of her hand. Betty nodded, pressing her lips together tightly.

“We are talking of your new impending marriage; to the prince of the Serpent faction,” Alice said quickly, having the appropriate amount of guilt not to be able to meet her daughter’s wide eyes.

“The Serpents?! But, Mother, you can’t–” Betty began to protest, taking a hesitant step towards the plinth. Her father’s stern voice cut through her complaints.

“This is not a discussion, Elizabeth. I have spoken with King Forsythe and mutually decided that a match between you and his son would be most beneficial,” he told her, watching as her shock turned to anger.

“How can you say that?” Betty wept, resisting the urge to stomp her foot. The King sighed, leaning back in his throne as he steepled his fingers against the bridge of his nose, shutting out the sight of his distressed daughter. “The Serpents have the worst reputation amongst all the factions, everyone knows they’re dangerous.”

“Silly rumours. They have ample wealth and have offered to take you as their future queen for less than half of the dowry the Andrews required of us. Consider yourself lucky, Elizabeth,” her father reasoned.

“The only reason they have such wealth is because they pilfer and cheat and lie, and no one really knows how they do it!” she cried, an uncomfortable prickle crawling along the back of her neck as she felt her defence slipping. She was backed into a corner, especially after Polly, and there was no way to argue herself out.

“Enough, Elizabeth!” Alice’s sharp voice cut the air. “The deal has been done, arrangements made. We are to host the ball for the Summer Solstice this June, where you shall be introduced to your future husband. You will be demure, and charming, and the picture of grace when you do. You shall be accommodating and alluring while the prince continues his stay with us, and then you shall be thankful and gracious when you take your turn to stay at Castle Fosse.” Betty’s eyes, that had been downcast during her admonishment, snapped up at this revelation, the shattering crystal pleading. “Do you understand?”

“Mother, please,” she whispered, voice thick and quivering. She knew that sympathy was not one of Queen Alice’s well known traits, but she hoped beyond anything that after the train of events that had hit her and her family these past months that her mother could find it within herself to soften at the cries of her youngest daughter.

“Do you understand?” Alice repeated, using the tone she employed only when commanding her people. Betty shrunk back, ducking her head once more as she pulled in a sharp breath. She nodded, not trusting her voice beyond a high-pitched “yes”, before waiting for dismissal.

“You may go, Betty,” the softer voice of her father came. She didn’t look at either of them as she turned on her heel and fled from the chamber, hand clasped tightly over her mouth to muffle her sobs.

The King sighed as he watched the retreating figure of the daughter he was most fond of crumple beneath their demands.

“Don’t you think you were a little harsh with her, Alice?” he asked, tilting his head towards his wife. Alice shifted her steely gaze to him.

“None of this would be happening if you hadn’t invested all our assets into that pit of sinking land that has given us nothing but barren soil as a return, Hal. It wouldn’t have happened if you’d been able to keep hold of the Andrews match – seventeen years in the making, and gone in a matter of weeks!” Hal dropped his eyes from Alice’s face as it began to flush in distaste. He let out a humourless laugh that made Alice bristle.

“You talk as if part of that wasn’t due to you giving almost all of our savings – most of our dowry for Betty – away to that scoundrel in exchange for him to ‘run away’ with Polly,” Hal spat back at her, making little attempt to conceal the venom in his voice. Alice stared straight ahead at his accusations.

She wouldn’t deny what she had done, it was too late for that. What she wouldn’t divulge, however, were the motives behind her payment to Polly’s beloved.

“It is too late to speak of such matters,” Alice said evenly, rising elegantly from her seat. She caught sight of Betty’s handmaiden, Ethel, hurrying past the entranceway.

“Ethel!” she yelled, spooking the delicate girl with the residual heat in her tone.

“Your Majesty?” the girl curtseyed, hurrying to oblige.

“Tell Princess Elizabeth she has a fitting with Master Kevin for her Solstice gown this afternoon. And I want you in attendance at all times, even if she tries to dismiss you,” she added as an afterthought, sweeping past the maid and out of the hall.

***

Betty flung herself onto her bed, arms wrapping around her pillow as she buried her face and wept.

It was all so unfair. She couldn’t believe her parents would agree to a match as utterly horrific as the one they were proposing. Everybody across all five factions knew of the Serpents’ reputation. They were thieves, criminals, who took anything they wanted, whenever they wanted, no matter the consequences. If their lands weren’t so far south, where the winds began to change for the worst, many of the more northerly armies unaccustomed to such harsh winters, Betty was sure that the more diligent factions would have already sent troops to try and reprehend King Forsythe II and his band of crooks. Luckily, they also tended to keep to their lands and the surrounding areas, never caught in attendance at any of the festivities hosted on the Northside of the lands.

Until now, she thought bitterly.

The ball for the Summer Solstice had always been one of Betty’s favourite occasions. She loved the sweet summer fruit wines, in which she would always dip her slice of dense barmbrack before her mother noticed and chastised her for her table manners, the thick loaf soaking up the juices as the flavour burst along with the sultanas across her tongue. The gardens would be decorated with the most extensive collection of torches and candles, weaved throughout the rose bushes and oak trees. She enjoyed decorating the paper lanterns with the children of the village, and picking out opulent red and gold fabrics for the table runners. The scent of fully bloomed flowers always hung heavily in the air as the night wore on, guests merry and drunk on a mixture of alcohol and heat, dancing until the early morning rays shone over the turrets.

This year her festival was ruined. Of all the things that had been taken away from her, this was just another thing that Betty could add to the list. She wasn’t sure what she had done in a past life to be so utterly miserable now, but it must have been truly wicked.

A soft mewl had her pulling back from the downy bedding beneath her, sniffling inconsolably as she wiped her fingers under her eyes. Her soft, ginger cat – Caramel – had leapt onto her balcony, coming in from the bright afternoon light and peering around the wide open shutters in search of his owner.

“Oh, Caramel,” Betty crooned, patting the covers as a signal for the tabby to come to her. He did, slinking around her outstretched hand as she ran her fingers through his fur and scratched behind his ears, eliciting a contented purr. “You always know when to comfort me,” she murmured, allowing herself a small smile as the animal nestled closer to her.

A timid knock pulled her out of her stupor, Betty quickly standing up from her place atop the bedspread and straightening her skirts, clearing her throat quietly before she called out. “Come in!” The door creaked open to reveal Ethel, the dowdy, unsure girl already looking apologetic for the intrusion. “It’s alright, Ethel, you can come in,” Betty smiled in an attempt to ease the girl; she always made it her mission to make the staff feels as comfortable as possible during their time inside the cold castle walls. She knew how unsettling it could be in there.

“Pardon the intrusion, Your Highness,” Ethel began, clasping her hands tightly in front of her and averting her eyes. “Queen Alice said you were to attend a fitting with Master Kevin for your Solstice gown this afternoon.” Betty brightened at the information, always fond of the time she was allowed to spend with Kevin.

The castle tailor was the closest she had to a best friend, especially since Polly left. He was blunt, and a little bit crass, unafraid to speak his mind and forever getting into trouble for it. He had the ability to make her laugh and, most importantly, he always treated her as just another human, just Betty.

She straightened her shoulders, adjusting her features into a pretty smile despite her puffy eyes and dampened cheeks.

“Thank you,” Betty replied, laying an affectionate hand on the girl’s shoulder as she made to pass her by.

“Also, your mother insisted I stay in the room with you, even if you ask me to leave,” she told the princess, cheeks flushing. Betty sighed. She knew that if Kevin wasn’t the most coveted tailor in all the factions Alice would have dismissed him long ago. She was less than fond of the potential corruption his unrestrained topics of conversation could have on the young princess, and would do anything aside from physically being in the room to make sure she knew what was being discussed. Betty leant closer to Ethel, casting an exaggerated glance at the doorway to make sure no one was walking by.

“Tell you what, why don’t you take a much deserved break here in my chambers,” Betty began, hurrying to continue as Ethel started to protest. “No one comes in here during this time of day, and if they do you can hide behind that partition until they leave.”

“I can’t afford to get into trouble, Your Highness,” the maid worried, glancing nervously around the room.

“Your secret’s safe with me,” Betty whispered with a mischievous grin. She pointed over to Caramel. “If anyone does find you, tell them you are looking after Caramel by specific instruction from the princess herself,” Betty told her in her grandest voice. Ethel giggled, some of the tension leaving her shoulders. “Alright?”

“Alright,” she conceded, walking over to pat the cat’s head gingerly.

***

“Princess Elizabeth, looking as divine as ever,” Kevin said, looking up from whatever garment he was working on as she entered. Betty threw him a wry smile, knowing her face must be blotchy and swollen from her earlier upset.

“And you’re just as charming, Kevin,” she replied, running her hand over the rolls of fabric propped against the far wall, fingers brushing over an array of lace, velvet, chiffon and satin.

“Why so glum, fair maiden?” Kevin asked, settling his hands firmly on top of his desk, appraising her with a tilted head.

Betty sighed, shaking her head as she filled him in on the day’s events. Somewhere during her tale, Kevin had manoeuvred Betty onto the pedestal in the centre of the room, twisting and lifting her limbs this way and that after he pulled the tape measure from around his neck, jotting down the readings in a tiny leather-bound notebook.

“My, what a life you lead. It’s simply riveting!” Kevin lamented, having the grace to pause in his task and offer the young girl an apologetic smile. Betty wrapped her arms around her waist, only to stretch them out again when Kevin tapped her forearm with a cluck of his tongue.

“Only to someone not living it,” Betty murmured, gaze drifting to the large, open window taking up most of one wall in Kevin’s workroom. He’d been lucky enough to receive the Blue Room upon his induction into the castle, the abundance of space and natural lighting being ideal for his work. From her spot on the pedestal Betty could see the rolling hills of the Cooper faction stretching out before her, leading down to the endless ocean that seemed to call her name with each crashing wave. A bird squawked as it soared about the castle, gliding gracefully into the distance clouds. Betty followed it with her eyes until it could be seen no more; the Cooper crest may have been a Swan, but she would never have the freedom of such birds. Standing on this raised plinth, forced to stay still under Kevin’s nimble fingers, while looking longingly towards a horizon she would never reach, Betty thought that this was a laughably accurate depiction of her life.

“…have you met him before?” Kevin’s voice drifted back into her ears.

“Hmm?” she asked, still dazed.

“Your new betrothed? Have you ever met?” he asked again, ushering her behind a partition to change into the half-finished garment he had already begun to make for the festival. She slipped off her skirts and slid into the material, a lightweight lavender satin, careful to avoid the pins that held the cream lace trim in place.

“No,” she replied, emerging and taking her place on the platform once more with the help of Kevin’s hand, lifting her hem. “And I would have been happy never to meet him as long as I should live,” she added sullenly, her lower lip protruding in what she knew was a childish pout. Kevin’s hearty laugh rung out across the room, only serving to deepen her frown.

“My sweet, young princess,” he cooed, one hand on his chin, the other resting on his elbow, as he appraised her dress. “How can you be so sure it is all as bad as it seems?” he asked, tucking some of the fabric in around her slight waist. Betty huffed, moving her arms out of the way.

“Because he’s a Serpent, Kevin,” she said as if it were obvious.

“And you’re a Swan,” he replied, still busying himself with adjustments. The statement took her aback, not sure what to say to that. At her stunned silence he continued. “I’m sure a boy straight from the snake’s pit is just as unhappy about being sent to marry a girl this far north. You’ll find that the two of you already have a lot in common,” he reasoned, coming back round to stand in front of her. Betty opened and closed her mouth, remaining wordless for a moment.

“It… It’s not the same for him,” she whined, looking at her feet, scuffing her perfectly painted toenails against the wood beneath her. She hadn’t yet stopped to take a moment and consider what it must be like for Prince Forsythe. Still, she was not the one coming from an utterly corrupt faction, was she?

“Maybe. You’ll have to ask him when he arrives,” Kevin suggested with a knowing smile. Betty blushed beneath his gaze. She was being presumptuous and judgemental, but everything felt so unfair she still couldn’t quite bring herself to be apologetic yet.

Kevin sighed and shook his head, regarding the dress one more time.

“Something is just not quite right,” he lamented, coming forward to tug at the modest neckline, where it crossed tightly over Betty’s bust. She looked down at the garment, deciding it was very ‘her’. She shrugged lightly.

“I think it’s fine,” she told him, not nearly as excited by the prospect of dressing up for Summer Solstice, not now she was apparently engaged to a stranger and Archie was already married to his new love.

“Rip my heart out why don’t you, Betty,” Kevin said in mock offense, clutching at his chest. “Fine will not do, it will not do at all. Not when you’re meeting your future husband. It should be spectacular, attention grabbing. It should be… lower,” he finished coyly, tucking more of the fabric away. Betty looked up at him with wide eyes, certain that her mother would most definitely disapprove of his decision.

[comebeforegod]

God Heals the Pain of Infidelity and Brings Me Hope of Living

By Meiling, United States

My Happy Marriage Destroyed by My Husband’s Infidelity

Ever since I was a child I have enjoyed watching romance series, and I had high hopes for love and marriage. I hoped that once I grew up, I would be able to spend my whole life with the person I loved, that we would never be apart, and that we would care for each other in our old age. When I turned twenty, my colleague introduced me to my husband.

 He was handsome, tall, made every effort to take care of me and look after me, and it seemed we had endless things to talk about. Though I was certain that he was my other half and I wanted us to be husband and wife, my parents were deeply opposed to us being together. I disregarded my parents’ opposition and married him anyway. After that, my husband did all that I asked, and the love between us grew. Before long, I gave birth to a child and our lives became even more wonderful. I felt that my initial choice had been correct, and that there was no greater happiness than a life with someone who loved me and who I also loved.

My husband was a driver, so he often went out drinking, to karaoke, or to play cards with his colleagues. At first I didn’t mind—I felt it was normal for him to have fun with his friends. But slowly, he began to stay out the entire night, and I couldn’t help but become concerned, “My husband is out all day at those entertainment venues, and he doesn’t come home after work. There couldn’t be another woman, could there?” But I quickly denied my own thoughts, shaking my head and thinking, “It can’t be. We’ve maintained our mutual affection since meeting each other, and our love has only grown. My husband is very considerate toward me; he wouldn’t do something like that to me. I’m probably worrying too much.” Once I thought of all those things, my concerns gradually subsided.

I never thought the day would come when what I feared most actually happened. At the time, I had just given birth to our second child, who wasn’t even a month old, and it was another night my husband didn’t come home. When he returned the following day, just as I was about to question him, he said to me solemnly, “There’s something that’s been causing me a lot of pain, and I don’t want to lie to you anymore. I’m seeing another woman, she’s pregnant with my child, and she is going to give birth soon. But she’s going abroad after the child is born….” The news hit me like a bolt of lightning. I was left dumbfounded. As tears streamed from my eyes, I said furiously to my husband, “How could you do such a thing? You’re utterly shameless!” While saying this, I hit him with all my strength. He didn’t strike back, and said, “I know what I did was wrong, and I’ve let you down. I feel very guilty. But she’s going to leave after she has the baby, and once she’s gone, our life can be like it used to be. I promise I’ll make it up to you, and I swear that nothing like this will happen again. Please give me another chance.” I hated that my husband was capable of doing something that was so hurtful, such a betrayal of me, but I thought of the prospect of my children being fatherless if we divorced, which would disadvantage them growing up. In my pain and helplessness, I suppressed the anger within me and repeated these words over and over to console myself, “What’s done is done, so let’s take it one step at a time!”

After that, my husband went frequently to care for that woman, and all of the home’s burdens fell on me. I worked and also looked after the children; the physical weariness on top of my psychological wounds were a weight so oppressive I could hardly breathe. I spent my days unable to eat or sleep. As soon as I closed my eyes, all I could think of was my husband’s infidelity and cheating. My heart was never at peace, and I would often gaze at the ceiling as I moaned, sighed, and wept silent tears. I grew thinner with each passing day, dropping from 55 to 46 kilos. I constantly found myself thinking, “No mater how well a broken bowl is glued back together, it still shows cracks. Can a broken marriage survive? Can my husband truly give up this woman in his heart?” These questions continued to circle in my mind, and I became so distraught that I began to contemplate suicide. But I realized that if I were to die, my two children would be without a mother and my parents wouldn’t be able to take such a blow either. So, all I could do was put aside my thoughts of killing myself. I constantly asked myself, “Is this really the man who pledged his eternal love to me? The promises of being for eternity, of growing old together, of loving me forever were just lies to deceive me …”

Several months later, that woman gave birth and then she really did go overseas, but my loathing for my husband didn’t abate. In our daily lives, if my husband did anything even slightly displeasing to me, I would seize on it, exaggerate the matter, and mock him sarcastically. Venting this way didn’t make me happy at all. On the contrary, I became even more troubled and distressed. I felt increasingly depressed, and I didn’t see any hope for life in the future.

Putting Aside My Hatred of My Husband Thanks to the Guidance of God’s Word

Where man ends is where God begins. Just as I found myself at a dead end, God’s salvation of the last days came to me. One day in 2009, a friend shared God’s gospel of the last days with me, and I read this passage of God’s words, “When you are weary and when you begin to feel something of the bleak desolation of this world, do not be lost, do not cry. Almighty God, the Watcher, will embrace your arrival at any time. He is watching by your side, waiting for you to turn back. He is waiting for the day you suddenly recover your memory: realizing the fact that you came from God, but at who knows what point losing your direction, at who knows what point falling senseless by the wayside, and again at who knows what point acquiring a ‘father.’ Furthermore, you realize that the Almighty has been there the whole time, standing watch, awaiting your return, for a very, very long time” (“The Sighing of the Almighty”).

As I read God’s words, I couldn’t stop the tears streaming from my eyes. His words were like a current of warm water that thawed my frozen heart. It turned out that God had been by my side all along, waiting for me to turn back to Him, but I was too numb. I had been drifting in the world for so long, yet God had not cast me aside. At a time when I had lost hope in life and had nowhere to turn, God sent a friend to preach the gospel to me and used His words to console my grief-stricken, tormented heart, giving me the hope and courage to go on living. At that moment, I was like a lost child finally returning to their mother’s embrace—I felt so secure, so cared for.

After that, I often took part in church life, where I fellowshiped on God’s words with my brothers and sisters and sang hymns of praise to God. When my brothers and sisters learned what had happened to me, none of them laughed at me. Instead, they fellowshiped on the truth with me and helped me with compassion, allowing me to become stronger. I felt the genuine love among my brothers and sisters—this was very moving.

At one meeting, we read two passages of God’s word, “In truth, out of the myriad things in God’s creation, man is the lowest. Though he is the master of all things, man is the only one among them that is subject to Satan’s trickery, the only one that falls prey in endless ways to its corruption. Man has never had sovereignty over himself. Most people live in the foul place of Satan, and suffer its derision; it teases them this way and that till they are half alive, enduring every vicissitude, every hardship in the human world. After toying with them, Satan puts an end to their destiny. And so people go through their whole lives in a daze of confusion, never once enjoying the good things that God has prepared for them, but instead being damaged by Satan and left in tatters. Today they have become so enervated and listless…” (“Work and Entry (1)”). “Born into such a filthy land, man has been severely blighted by society, he has been influenced by feudal ethics, and he has been taught at ‘institutes of higher learning.’ The backward thinking, corrupt morality, mean view on life, despicable philosophy, utterly worthless existence, and depraved lifestyle and customs—all of these things have severely intruded upon man’s heart, and severely undermined and attacked his conscience. As a result, man is ever more distant from God, and ever more opposed to Him. Man’s disposition becomes more vicious by the day … under the domain of Satan, man does nothing but pursue pleasure, giving himself over to the corruption of the flesh in the land of mud” (“To Have an Unchanged Disposition Is to Be in Enmity to God”).

Through the revelations of God’s word and the fellowship of my brothers and sisters, I came to know the source of my husband’s infidelity, and I understood the origin of my suffering. After being corrupted by Satan, we all live under Satan’s power, and we had all been infected and poisoned by Satan’s evil ideas such as “Don’t ask for eternity, be happy with now,” “Having a wife or husband at home but also taking a lover,” and “Without a mistress, a man has no zest for life.” People advocate evil and pursue so-called love in the belief that love is not a sin and that a perfect love affair is something people should pursue. This leads to the complete breakdown of boundaries between men and women. People no longer respect proper marriage, but instead indulge their carnal desires and pursue one-night stands and extramarital affairs. People’s thoughts have become increasingly vile and decadent, they no longer consider ethics, morality, or honor, and even less do people consider duty to family, they have lost their humanity and reason, and live in a morass of sexual promiscuity and corruption, to the extent that unhealthy trends and vile practices such as extramarital affairs, keeping mistresses, and maintaining a lover become fashionable throughout the entire society. Countless families have been destroyed and broken up for this reason. Some who couldn’t endure infidelity by their other half ended their own lives, while others whose love turned to hatred sought revenge on other party, and tragic killings occurred. I thought of my husband, who had also been poisoned by Satan’s evil thought and followed the evil trend of seeking an extramarital affair, and even had a child, without the slightest consideration for my feelings, and without giving any thought to the great harm that such conduct would bring to his children and this family. It was only now that I understood that this was the bitter fruit of mankind following Satan’s evil trends!

I saw that I myself was also unendurably tormented because I lived the mistaken notions imbued in me by Satan. From when I first began to understand things, I was drawn to and moved by romantic stories in television dramas and novels, through which I was inundated and influenced by such ideas as “Love is supreme,” “The lovers finally get married,” “Devoted husband and wife growing old together,” “Lovers never apart, love unchanging until death.” I believed possessing such love and marriage was the only possible happiness in life. So, I strenuously pursued a purely imaginary love, paid no attention to my parents’ opposition, and insisted on marrying my husband in the belief that he cared for me in every possible way, and that after our wedding we would certainly have a happy marriage like the characters in the romances. The result was that when my husband betrayed me by having an affair, the dream of love I had been pursuing was destroyed, I lived trapped inextricably in torment, believed that there was no meaning in life, and even considered suicide. It was only when I came to realize these things that I could see that the ideas and views with which Satan inundates us are the ways and methods it uses to corrupt and harm mankind. The reason my husband and I lived in such torment was also Satan’s corruption and harm. If we humans lack the truth, how can we resist Satan’s evil trends and being inundated and corrupted by its mistaken notions? When I understood these things, my hatred of my husband faded a great deal.

Finding a New Direction in Life

Later on, I read this passage of God’s words, “Only if one knows God and has the truth does he live in the light; and only when his view of the world and his view of life change does he change fundamentally. When he has a life goal and comports himself according to the truth; when he absolutely submits to God and lives by God’s word; when he feels assured and brightened deep in his soul; when his heart is free of darkness; and when he lives completely freely and unrestrained in God’s presence—only then does he live a true human life and become a person possessing truth” (“How to Know Man’s Nature”).

The word of God pointed out a clear direction and goal to pursue for me. It made me understand that in life, only we pursue the truth, pursue knowledge of God, gain the truth, and live by God’s word can we escape the bondage and constraints of Satan’s ideas and views, achieve fear of and obedience to God, and fulfill the duties of a created being, which is the most meaningful possible life, and which people ought to pursue and achieve. Through my experiences during this period, I truly experienced that the love of characters in romance who go through thick and thin together simply doesn’t exist, and is just a lie created by Satan to deceive people. Only God’s love of man is true love, and we can only resolve our problems and difficulties with the word of God, which points out a clear direction for us and allows us to live in the light. I thought about how after my husband’s infidelity, when I was so tormented that death was preferable to life, it was the word of God that warmed my heart and made me wish to go on living. When I met with my brothers and sisters to read the word of God, without being aware of it I began to understand some of the truth, and I had some discernment of Satan’s methods of corrupting and harming people, I understood the source of my own pain, and only then could I live without such depression. When I thought of these things, it confirmed even more the value of the truth and God’s word, and I wished to practice according to God’s word and let go of the mistaken pursuits and views in my mind. I could no longer sully myself with purely imaginary love. I wanted to read more of God’s word, fulfill the duties of a created being, and repay God’s love. Once I understood these things, my mind was much calmer, and I felt a relaxation and release that I had never had before.

Not long after, that woman wanted my husband to go overseas to live with her. When I heard this, I was somewhat unhappy but then I thought it over, “If my husband decides to go live with that woman, I can’t change anything. Even if he were to stay with me physically, his heart wouldn’t be mine. I should seek the truth from God’s word, view the matter according to God’s word, and entrust this matter to God.” So, I prayed to God, “God! In this matter, I no longer wish to live by Satan’s thought and views, nor do I wish to struggle for or chase after some perfect love. Regardless of whether my husband stays or leaves in the end, it’s his choice and I won’t interfere. My only wish is to focus on seeking the truth, live according to Your word, and deal with this matter correctly.” Afterward, I said to my husband, “If you really want to go, then go. I won’t stand in your way. You can choose for yourself!” When he heard that, my husband looked at me in astonishment and said, “You’ve really changed. I wouldn’t have thought such words could come out of your mouth.” When I heard my husband say this, I silently thanked God! It was entirely due to the strength given to me by God’s word that I could calmly face this matter. It was only because the word of God had changed me, and given me correct goals and direction in my existence that I was able to live in release and freedom.

In the end, my husband remained with me. He also changed slowly. In the evenings, he made every effort not go out socializing, and he often helped out with the chores and looked after the children of his own accord. My relationship with my husband improved a great deal, our life became peaceful, I felt much more at ease, and I slept much better than before.

Every time I think back on this experience, deep emotions well up within me. If God hadn’t saved me, I would have continued to be corrupted and ruined by my satanic mistaken ideas. When I was inextricably suffering such torment due to my husband’s infidelity, the guidance of the word of God allowed me to see clearly the reality of Satan’s corruption of man, to see through Satan’s tricks, and to emerge from this torment. As I was experiencing this, I deeply experienced that seeking the truth and knowing God are the most meaningful things in life. We can only have a road to follow and any real happiness if we live according to God’s word. Departing from God’s word and falling under Satan’s power can only bring unendurable torment. I thank God for saving me!

[love-god-forever]

How I Got Over My Husband’s Betrayal

By Meiling, United States

My Happy Marriage Destroyed by My Husband’s Betrayal

Ever since I was a child I have enjoyed watching romance series, and I had high hopes for love and marriage. I hoped that once I grew up, I would be able to spend my whole life with the person I loved, that we would never be apart, and that we would care for each other in our old age. When I turned twenty, my colleague introduced me to my husband.

He was handsome, tall, made every effort to take care of me and look after me, and it seemed we had endless things to talk about. Though I was certain that he was my other half and I wanted us to be husband and wife, my parents were deeply opposed to us being together. I disregarded my parents’ opposition and married him anyway. After that, my husband did all that I asked, and the love between us grew. Before long, I gave birth to a child and our lives became even more wonderful. I felt that my initial choice had been correct, and that there was no greater happiness than a life with someone who loved me and who I also loved.

My husband was a driver, so he often went out drinking, to karaoke, or to play cards with his colleagues. At first I didn’t mind—I felt it was normal for him to have fun with his friends. But slowly, he began to stay out the entire night, and I couldn’t help but become concerned, “My husband is out all day at those entertainment venues, and he doesn’t come home after work. There couldn’t be another woman, could there?” But I quickly denied my own thoughts, shaking my head and thinking, “It can’t be. We’ve maintained our mutual affection since meeting each other, and our love has only grown. My husband is very considerate toward me; he wouldn’t do something like that to me. I’m probably worrying too much.” Once I thought of all those things, my concerns gradually subsided.

I never thought the day would come when what I feared most actually happened. At the time, I had just given birth to our second child, who wasn’t even a month old, and it was another night my husband didn’t come home. When he returned the following day, just as I was about to question him, he said to me solemnly, “There’s something that’s been causing me a lot of pain, and I don’t want to lie to you anymore. I’m seeing another woman, she’s pregnant with my child, and she is going to give birth soon. But she’s going abroad after the child is born….” The news hit me like a bolt of lightning. I was left dumbfounded. As tears streamed from my eyes, I said furiously to my husband, “How could you do such a thing? You’re utterly shameless!” While saying this, I hit him with all my strength. He didn’t strike back, and said, “I know what I did was wrong, and I’ve let you down. I feel very guilty. But she’s going to leave after she has the baby, and once she’s gone, our life can be like it used to be. I promise I’ll make it up to you, and I swear that nothing like this will happen again. Please give me another chance.” I hated that my husband was capable of doing something that was so hurtful, such a betrayal of me, but I thought of the prospect of my children being fatherless if we divorced, which would disadvantage them growing up. In my pain and helplessness, I suppressed the anger within me and repeated these words over and over to console myself, “What’s done is done, so let’s take it one step at a time!”

After that, my husband went frequently to care for that woman, and all of the home’s burdens fell on me. I worked and also looked after the children; the physical weariness on top of my psychological wounds were a weight so oppressive I could hardly breathe. I spent my days unable to eat or sleep. As soon as I closed my eyes, all I could think of was my husband’s betrayal and cheating. My heart was never at peace, and I would often gaze at the ceiling as I moaned, sighed, and wept silent tears. I grew thinner with each passing day, dropping from 55 to 46 kilos. I constantly found myself thinking, “No matter how well a broken bowl is glued back together, it still shows cracks. Can a broken marriage survive? Can my husband truly give up this woman in his heart?” These questions continued to circle in my mind, and I became so distraught that I began to contemplate suicide. But I realized that if I were to die, my two children would be without a mother and my parents wouldn’t be able to take such a blow either. So, all I could do was put aside my thoughts of killing myself. I constantly asked myself, “Is this really the man who pledged his eternal love to me? The promises of being for eternity, of growing old together, of loving me forever were just lies to deceive me …”

Several months later, that woman gave birth and then she really did go overseas, but my loathing for my husband didn’t abate. In our daily lives, if my husband did anything even slightly displeasing to me, I would seize on it, exaggerate the matter, and mock him sarcastically. Venting this way didn’t make me happy at all. On the contrary, I became even more troubled and distressed. I felt increasingly depressed, and I didn’t see any hope for life in the future.

Putting Aside My Hatred of My Husband Thanks to the Guidance of God’s Word

Where man ends is where God begins. Just as I found myself at a dead end, God’s salvation of the last days came to me. One day in 2009, a friend shared God’s gospel of the last days with me, and I read this passage of God’s words, “When you are weary and when you begin to feel something of the bleak desolation of this world, do not be lost, do not cry. Almighty God, the Watcher, will embrace your arrival at any time. He is watching by your side, waiting for you to turn back. He is waiting for the day you suddenly recover your memory: realizing the fact that you came from God, but at who knows what point losing your direction, at who knows what point falling senseless by the wayside, and again at who knows what point acquiring a ‘father.’ Furthermore, you realize that the Almighty has been there the whole time, standing watch, awaiting your return, for a very, very long time” (“The Sighing of the Almighty”).

As I read God’s words, I couldn’t stop the tears streaming from my eyes. His words were like a current of warm water that thawed my frozen heart. It turned out that God had been by my side all along, waiting for me to turn back to Him, but I was too numb. I had been drifting in the world for so long, yet God had not cast me aside. At a time when I had lost hope in life and had nowhere to turn, God sent a friend to preach the gospel to me and used His words to console my grief-stricken, tormented heart, giving me the hope and courage to go on living. At that moment, I was like a lost child finally returning to their mother’s embrace—I felt so secure, so cared for.

After that, I often took part in church life, where I fellowshiped on God’s words with my brothers and sisters and sang hymns of praise to God. When my brothers and sisters learned what had happened to me, none of them laughed at me. Instead, they fellowshiped on the truth with me and helped me with compassion, allowing me to become stronger. I felt the genuine love among my brothers and sisters—this was very moving.

At one meeting, we read two passages of God’s word, “In truth, out of the myriad things in God’s creation, man is the lowest. Though he is the master of all things, man is the only one among them that is subject to Satan’s trickery, the only one that falls prey in endless ways to its corruption. Man has never had sovereignty over himself. Most people live in the foul place of Satan, and suffer its derision; it teases them this way and that till they are half alive, enduring every vicissitude, every hardship in the human world. After toying with them, Satan puts an end to their destiny. And so people go through their whole lives in a daze of confusion, never once enjoying the good things that God has prepared for them, but instead being damaged by Satan and left in tatters. Today they have become so enervated and listless…” (“Work and Entry (1)”). “Born into such a filthy land, man has been severely blighted by society, he has been influenced by feudal ethics, and he has been taught at ‘institutes of higher learning.’ The backward thinking, corrupt morality, mean view on life, despicable philosophy, utterly worthless existence, and depraved lifestyle and customs—all of these things have severely intruded upon man’s heart, and severely undermined and attacked his conscience. As a result, man is ever more distant from God, and ever more opposed to Him. Man’s disposition becomes more vicious by the day … under the domain of Satan, man does nothing but pursue pleasure, giving himself over to the corruption of the flesh in the land of mud” (“To Have an Unchanged Disposition Is to Be in Enmity to God”).

Through the revelations of God’s word and the fellowship of my brothers and sisters, I came to know the source of my husband’s betrayal, and I understood the origin of my suffering. After being corrupted by Satan, we all live under Satan’s power, and we had all been infected and poisoned by Satan’s evil ideas such as “Don’t ask for eternity, be happy with now,” “Having a wife or husband at home but also taking a lover,” and “Without a mistress, a man has no zest for life.” People advocate evil and pursue so-called love in the belief that love is not a sin and that a perfect love affair is something people should pursue. This leads to the complete breakdown of boundaries between men and women. People no longer respect proper marriage, but instead indulge their carnal desires and pursue one-night stands and extramarital affairs. People’s thoughts have become increasingly vile and decadent, they no longer consider ethics, morality, or honor, and even less do people consider duty to family, they have lost their humanity and reason, and live in a morass of sexual promiscuity and corruption, to the extent that unhealthy trends and vile practices such as extramarital affairs, keeping mistresses, and maintaining a lover become fashionable throughout the entire society. Countless families have been destroyed and broken up for this reason. Some who couldn’t endure betrayal by their other half ended their own lives, while others whose love turned to hatred sought revenge on other party, and tragic killings occurred. I thought of my husband, who had also been poisoned by Satan’s evil thought and followed the evil trend of seeking an extramarital affair, and even had a child, without the slightest consideration for my feelings, and without giving any thought to the great harm that such conduct would bring to his children and this family. It was only now that I understood that this was the bitter fruit of mankind following Satan’s evil trends!

I saw that I myself was also unendurably tormented because I lived the mistaken notions imbued in me by Satan. From when I first began to understand things, I was drawn to and moved by romantic stories in television dramas and novels, through which I was inundated and influenced by such ideas as “Love is supreme,” “The lovers finally get married,” “Devoted husband and wife growing old together,” “Lovers never apart, love unchanging until death.” I believed possessing such love and marriage was the only possible happiness in life. So, I strenuously pursued a purely imaginary love, paid no attention to my parents’ opposition, and insisted on marrying my husband in the belief that he cared for me in every possible way, and that after our wedding we would certainly have a happy marriage like the characters in the romances. The result was that when my husband betrayed me by having an affair, the dream of love I had been pursuing was destroyed, I lived trapped inextricably in torment, believed that there was no meaning in life, and even considered suicide. It was only when I came to realize these things that I could see that the ideas and views with which Satan inundates us are the ways and methods it uses to corrupt and harm mankind. The reason my husband and I lived in such torment was also Satan’s corruption and harm. If we humans lack the truth, how can we resist Satan’s evil trends and being inundated and corrupted by its mistaken notions? When I understood these things, my hatred of my husband faded a great deal.

Finding a New Direction in Life

Later on, I read this passage of God’s words, “Only if one knows God and has the truth does he live in the light; and only when his view of the world and his view of life change does he change fundamentally. When he has a life goal and comports himself according to the truth; when he absolutely submits to God and lives by God’s word; when he feels assured and brightened deep in his soul; when his heart is free of darkness; and when he lives completely freely and unrestrained in God’s presence—only then does he live a true human life and become a person possessing truth” (“How to Know Man’s Nature”).

The word of God pointed out a clear direction and goal to pursue for me. It made me understand that in life, only we pursue the truth, pursue knowledge of God, gain the truth, and live by God’s word can we escape the bondage and constraints of Satan’s ideas and views, achieve fear of and obedience to God, and fulfill the duties of a created being, which is the most meaningful possible life, and which people ought to pursue and achieve. Through my experiences during this period, I truly experienced that the love of characters in romance who go through thick and thin together simply doesn’t exist, and is just a lie created by Satan to deceive people. Only God’s love of man is true love, and we can only resolve our problems and difficulties with the word of God, which points out a clear direction for us and allows us to live in the light. I thought about how after my husband’s betrayal, when I was so tormented that death was preferable to life, it was the word of God that warmed my heart and made me wish to go on living. When I met with my brothers and sisters to read the word of God, without being aware of it I began to understand some of the truth, and I had some discernment of Satan’s methods of corrupting and harming people, I understood the source of my own pain, and only then could I live without such depression. When I thought of these things, it confirmed even more the value of the truth and God’s word, and I wished to practice according to God’s word and let go of the mistaken pursuits and views in my mind. I could no longer sully myself with purely imaginary love. I wanted to read more of God’s word, fulfill the duties of a created being, and repay God’s love. Once I understood these things, my mind was much calmer, and I felt a relaxation and release that I had never had before.

Not long after, that woman wanted my husband to go overseas to live with her. When I heard this, I was somewhat unhappy but then I thought it over, “If my husband decides to go live with that woman, I can’t change anything. Even if he were to stay with me physically, his heart wouldn’t be mine. I should seek the truth from God’s word, view the matter according to God’s word, and entrust this matter to God.” So, I prayed to God, “God! In this matter, I no longer wish to live by Satan’s thought and views, nor do I wish to struggle for or chase after some perfect love. Regardless of whether my husband stays or leaves in the end, it’s his choice and I won’t interfere. My only wish is to focus on seeking the truth, live according to Your word, and deal with this matter correctly.” Afterward, I said to my husband, “If you really want to go, then go. I won’t stand in your way. You can choose for yourself!” When he heard that, my husband looked at me in astonishment and said, “You’ve really changed. I wouldn’t have thought such words could come out of your mouth.” When I heard my husband say this, I silently thanked God! It was entirely due to the strength given to me by God’s word that I could calmly face this matter. It was only because the word of God had changed me, and given me correct goals and direction in my existence that I was able to live in release and freedom.

In the end, my husband remained with me. He also changed slowly. In the evenings, he made every effort not go out socializing, and he often helped out with the chores and looked after the children of his own accord. My relationship with my husband improved a great deal, our life became peaceful, I felt much more at ease, and I slept much better than before.

Every time I think back on this experience, deep emotions well up within me. If God hadn’t saved me, I would have continued to be corrupted and ruined by my satanic mistaken ideas. When I was inextricably suffering such torment due to my husband’s betrayal, the guidance of the word of God allowed me to see clearly the reality of Satan’s corruption of man, to see through Satan’s tricks, and to emerge from this torment. As I was experiencing this, I deeply experienced that seeking the truth and knowing God are the most meaningful things in life. We can only have a road to follow and any real happiness if we live according to God’s word. Departing from God’s word and falling under Satan’s power can only bring unendurable torment. I thank God for saving me!

[almightygodismydependence-blog]

God Heals the Pain of Infidelity and Brings Me Hope of Living

By Meiling, United States

My Happy Marriage Destroyed by My Husband’s infidelity

Ever since I was a child I have enjoyed watching romance series, and I had high hopes for love and marriage. I hoped that once I grew up, I would be able to spend my whole life with the person I loved, that we would never be apart, and that we would care for each other in our old age. When I turned twenty, my colleague introduced me to my husband. He was handsome, tall, made every effort to take care of me and look after me, and it seemed we had endless things to talk about. Though I was certain that he was my other half and I wanted us to be husband and wife, my parents were deeply opposed to us being together. I disregarded my parents’ opposition and married him anyway. After that, my husband did all that I asked, and the love between us grew. Before long, I gave birth to a child and our lives became even more wonderful. I felt that my initial choice had been correct, and that there was no greater happiness than a life with someone who loved me and who I also loved.

My husband was a driver, so he often went out drinking, to karaoke, or to play cards with his colleagues. At first I didn’t mind—I felt it was normal for him to have fun with his friends. But slowly, he began to stay out the entire night, and I couldn’t help but become concerned, “My husband is out all day at those entertainment venues, and he doesn’t come home after work. There couldn’t be another woman, could there?” But I quickly denied my own thoughts, shaking my head and thinking, “It can’t be. We’ve maintained our mutual affection since meeting each other, and our love has only grown. My husband is very considerate toward me; he wouldn’t do something like that to me. I’m probably worrying too much.” Once I thought of all those things, my concerns gradually subsided.

I never thought the day would come when what I feared most actually happened. At the time, I had just given birth to our second child, who wasn’t even a month old, and it was another night my husband didn’t come home. When he returned the following day, just as I was about to question him, he said to me solemnly, “There’s something that’s been causing me a lot of pain, and I don’t want to lie to you anymore. I’m seeing another woman, she’s pregnant with my child, and she is going to give birth soon. But she’s going abroad after the child is born….” The news hit me like a bolt of lightning. I was left dumbfounded. As tears streamed from my eyes, I said furiously to my husband, “How could you do such a thing? You’re utterly shameless!” While saying this, I hit him with all my strength. He didn’t strike back, and said, “I know what I did was wrong, and I’ve let you down. I feel very guilty. But she’s going to leave after she has the baby, and once she’s gone, our life can be like it used to be. I promise I’ll make it up to you, and I swear that nothing like this will happen again. Please give me another chance.” I hated that my husband was capable of doing something that was so hurtful, such a betrayal of me, but I thought of the prospect of my children being fatherless if we divorced, which would disadvantage them growing up. In my pain and helplessness, I suppressed the anger within me and repeated these words over and over to console myself, “What’s done is done, so let’s take it one step at a time!”

After that, my husband went frequently to care for that woman, and all of the home’s burdens fell on me. I worked and also looked after the children; the physical weariness on top of my psychological wounds were a weight so oppressive I could hardly breathe. I spent my days unable to eat or sleep. As soon as I closed my eyes, all I could think of was my husband’s infidelity and cheating. My heart was never at peace, and I would often gaze at the ceiling as I moaned, sighed, and wept silent tears. I grew thinner with each passing day, dropping from 55 to 46 kilos. I constantly found myself thinking, “No mater how well a broken bowl is glued back together, it still shows cracks. Can a broken marriage survive? Can my husband truly give up this woman in his heart?” These questions continued to circle in my mind, and I became so distraught that I began to contemplate suicide. But I realized that if I were to die, my two children would be without a mother and my parents wouldn’t be able to take such a blow either. So, all I could do was put aside my thoughts of killing myself. I constantly asked myself, “Is this really the man who pledged his eternal love to me? The promises of being for eternity, of growing old together, of loving me forever were just lies to deceive me …”

Several months later, that woman gave birth and then she really did go overseas, but my loathing for my husband didn’t abate. In our daily lives, if my husband did anything even slightly displeasing to me, I would seize on it, exaggerate the matter, and mock him sarcastically. Venting this way didn’t make me happy at all. On the contrary, I became even more troubled and distressed. I felt increasingly depressed, and I didn’t see any hope for life in the future.

Putting Aside My Hatred of My Husband Thanks to the Guidance of God’s Word

Where man ends is where God begins. Just as I found myself at a dead end, God’s salvation of the last days came to me. One day in 2009, a friend shared God’s gospel of the last days with me, and I read this passage of God’s words, “When you are weary and when you begin to feel something of the bleak desolation of this world, do not be lost, do not cry. Almighty God, the Watcher, will embrace your arrival at any time. He is watching by your side, waiting for you to turn back. He is waiting for the day you suddenly recover your memory: realizing the fact that you came from God, but at who knows what point losing your direction, at who knows what point falling senseless by the wayside, and again at who knows what point acquiring a ‘father.’ Furthermore, you realize that the Almighty has been there the whole time, standing watch, awaiting your return, for a very, very long time” (“The Sighing of the Almighty”).

As I read God’s words, I couldn’t stop the tears streaming from my eyes. His words were like a current of warm water that thawed my frozen heart. It turned out that God had been by my side all along, waiting for me to turn back to Him, but I was too numb. I had been drifting in the world for so long, yet God had not cast me aside. At a time when I had lost hope in life and had nowhere to turn, God sent a friend to preach the gospel to me and used His words to console my grief-stricken, tormented heart, giving me the hope and courage to go on living. At that moment, I was like a lost child finally returning to their mother’s embrace—I felt so secure, so cared for.

After that, I often took part in church life, where I fellowshiped on God’s words with my brothers and sisters and sang hymns of praise to God. When my brothers and sisters learned what had happened to me, none of them laughed at me. Instead, they fellowshiped on the truth with me and helped me with compassion, allowing me to become stronger. I felt the genuine love among my brothers and sisters—this was very moving.

At one meeting, we read two passages of God’s word, “In truth, out of the myriad things in God’s creation, man is the lowest. Though he is the master of all things, man is the only one among them that is subject to Satan’s trickery, the only one that falls prey in endless ways to its corruption. Man has never had sovereignty over himself. Most people live in the foul place of Satan, and suffer its derision; it teases them this way and that till they are half alive, enduring every vicissitude, every hardship in the human world. After toying with them, Satan puts an end to their destiny. And so people go through their whole lives in a daze of confusion, never once enjoying the good things that God has prepared for them, but instead being damaged by Satan and left in tatters. Today they have become so enervated and listless…” (“Work and Entry (1)”). “Born into such a filthy land, man has been severely blighted by society, he has been influenced by feudal ethics, and he has been taught at ‘institutes of higher learning.’ The backward thinking, corrupt morality, mean view on life, despicable philosophy, utterly worthless existence, and depraved lifestyle and customs—all of these things have severely intruded upon man’s heart, and severely undermined and attacked his conscience. As a result, man is ever more distant from God, and ever more opposed to Him. Man’s disposition becomes more vicious by the day … under the domain of Satan, man does nothing but pursue pleasure, giving himself over to the corruption of the flesh in the land of mud” (“To Have an Unchanged Disposition Is to Be in Enmity to God”).

Through the revelations of God’s word and the fellowship of my brothers and sisters, I came to know the source of my husband’s infidelity, and I understood the origin of my suffering. After being corrupted by Satan, we all live under Satan’s power, and we had all been infected and poisoned by Satan’s evil ideas such as “Don’t ask for eternity, be happy with now,” “Having a wife or husband at home but also taking a lover,” and “Without a mistress, a man has no zest for life.” People advocate evil and pursue so-called love in the belief that love is not a sin and that a perfect love affair is something people should pursue. This leads to the complete breakdown of boundaries between men and women. People no longer respect proper marriage, but instead indulge their carnal desires and pursue one-night stands and extramarital affairs. People’s thoughts have become increasingly vile and decadent, they no longer consider ethics, morality, or honor, and even less do people consider duty to family, they have lost their humanity and reason, and live in a morass of sexual promiscuity and corruption, to the extent that unhealthy trends and vile practices such as extramarital affairs, keeping mistresses, and maintaining a lover become fashionable throughout the entire society. Countless families have been destroyed and broken up for this reason. Some who couldn’t endure infidelity by their other half ended their own lives, while others whose love turned to hatred sought revenge on other party, and tragic killings occurred. I thought of my husband, who had also been poisoned by Satan’s evil thought and followed the evil trend of seeking an extramarital affair, and even had a child, without the slightest consideration for my feelings, and without giving any thought to the great harm that such conduct would bring to his children and this family. It was only now that I understood that this was the bitter fruit of mankind following Satan’s evil trends!

I saw that I myself was also unendurably tormented because I lived the mistaken notions imbued in me by Satan. From when I first began to understand things, I was drawn to and moved by romantic stories in television dramas and novels, through which I was inundated and influenced by such ideas as “Love is supreme,” “The lovers finally get married,” “Devoted husband and wife growing old together,” “Lovers never apart, love unchanging until death.” I believed possessing such love and marriage was the only possible happiness in life. So, I strenuously pursued a purely imaginary love, paid no attention to my parents’ opposition, and insisted on marrying my husband in the belief that he cared for me in every possible way, and that after our wedding we would certainly have a happy marriage like the characters in the romances. The result was that when my husband betrayed me by having an affair, the dream of love I had been pursuing was destroyed, I lived trapped inextricably in torment, believed that there was no meaning in life, and even considered suicide. It was only when I came to realize these things that I could see that the ideas and views with which Satan inundates us are the ways and methods it uses to corrupt and harm mankind. The reason my husband and I lived in such torment was also Satan’s corruption and harm. If we humans lack the truth, how can we resist Satan’s evil trends and being inundated and corrupted by its mistaken notions? When I understood these things, my hatred of my husband faded a great deal.

Finding a New Direction in Life

Later on, I read this passage of God’s words, “Only if one knows God and has the truth does he live in the light; and only when his view of the world and his view of life change does he change fundamentally. When he has a life goal and comports himself according to the truth; when he absolutely submits to God and lives by God’s word; when he feels assured and brightened deep in his soul; when his heart is free of darkness; and when he lives completely freely and unrestrained in God’s presence—only then does he live a true human life and become a person possessing truth” (“How to Know Man’s Nature”).

The word of God pointed out a clear direction and goal to pursue for me. It made me understand that in life, only we pursue the truth, pursue knowledge of God, gain the truth, and live by God’s word can we escape the bondage and constraints of Satan’s ideas and views, achieve fear of and obedience to God, and fulfill the duties of a created being, which is the most meaningful possible life, and which people ought to pursue and achieve. Through my experiences during this period, I truly experienced that the love of characters in romance who go through thick and thin together simply doesn’t exist, and is just a lie created by Satan to deceive people. Only God’s love of man is true love, and we can only resolve our problems and difficulties with the word of God, which points out a clear direction for us and allows us to live in the light. I thought about how after my husband’s infidelity, when I was so tormented that death was preferable to life, it was the word of God that warmed my heart and made me wish to go on living. When I met with my brothers and sisters to read the word of God, without being aware of it I began to understand some of the truth, and I had some discernment of Satan’s methods of corrupting and harming people, I understood the source of my own pain, and only then could I live without such depression. When I thought of these things, it confirmed even more the value of the truth and God’s word, and I wished to practice according to God’s word and let go of the mistaken pursuits and views in my mind. I could no longer sully myself with purely imaginary love. I wanted to read more of God’s word, fulfill the duties of a created being, and repay God’s love. Once I understood these things, my mind was much calmer, and I felt a relaxation and release that I had never had before.

Not long after, that woman wanted my husband to go overseas to live with her. When I heard this, I was somewhat unhappy but then I thought it over, “If my husband decides to go live with that woman, I can’t change anything. Even if he were to stay with me physically, his heart wouldn’t be mine. I should seek the truth from God’s word, view the matter according to God’s word, and entrust this matter to God.” So, I prayed to God, “God! In this matter, I no longer wish to live by Satan’s thought and views, nor do I wish to struggle for or chase after some perfect love. Regardless of whether my husband stays or leaves in the end, it’s his choice and I won’t interfere. My only wish is to focus on seeking the truth, live according to Your word, and deal with this matter correctly.” Afterward, I said to my husband, “If you really want to go, then go. I won’t stand in your way. You can choose for yourself!” When he heard that, my husband looked at me in astonishment and said, “You’ve really changed. I wouldn’t have thought such words could come out of your mouth.” When I heard my husband say this, I silently thanked God! It was entirely due to the strength given to me by God’s word that I could calmly face this matter. It was only because the word of God had changed me, and given me correct goals and direction in my existence that I was able to live in release and freedom.

In the end, my husband remained with me. He also changed slowly. In the evenings, he made every effort not go out socializing, and he often helped out with the chores and looked after the children of his own accord. My relationship with my husband improved a great deal, our life became peaceful, I felt much more at ease, and I slept much better than before.

Every time I think back on this experience, deep emotions well up within me. If God hadn’t saved me, I would have continued to be corrupted and ruined by my satanic mistaken ideas. When I was inextricably suffering such torment due to my husband’s infidelity, the guidance of the word of God allowed me to see clearly the reality of Satan’s corruption of man, to see through Satan’s tricks, and to emerge from this torment. As I was experiencing this, I deeply experienced that seeking the truth and knowing God are the most meaningful things in life. We can only have a road to follow and any real happiness if we live according to God’s word. Departing from God’s word and falling under Satan’s power can only bring unendurable torment. I thank God for saving me!