#don’t look past this tag if u have emotional investment in me

[prudereality]

ohhhhhhhhh my god

[perruvianily]

Purple

Ft. Kenma Kozume and Kuroo Tetsurou; fluff promise ✋

Warnings ⚠: none

Word Count ☜: 508

“Purple!”

“What? There’s nothing wrong with it.” Kenma returned his attention to his game. He couldn’t see why Kuroo was so surprised. “Really? Purple? You’re not messing with me?” Kuroo levels his face with Kenma’s lowered head, “Why would I lie?” Kenma’s starting to regret even answering Kuroo’s question. He’s about to return to his precious game when Kuroo interrupts his trail of thought.

“Well, because you always lie.” Kuroo says in a matter-of-factly tone. Kenma would’ve liked to disagree, but he knows he’d lose anyway. When Kuroo thinks he’s right, he becomes extra persistent. It’s annoying and sometimes useful.

“Anyway, don’t change the subject. Why purple? Is there, like, some external connection? Do you have a favorite memory? Place? What about—“ Kuroo starts rambling about how there aren’t many purples in the world— “It’s quite rare, is that why you like it?”

“I just like it because I think it looks nice, isn’t that enough?” Kenma’s screen displayed ‘DEFEAT’ for what feels like the 100th time the past 5 minutes. He scoffs and presses retry without a second thought, while Kuroo’s talking about this purple and that purple and, Kenma, which do you like more?

“With me, just a simple ‘because I like it’ isn’t enough. Now, why do you like purple?” Kuroo asks him, watching his face twist into every negative emotion possible. Kenma tries to think of a reason and a strategy for his game simultaneously, and when his screen displays ‘DEFEAT’ yet again, he gives up.

Kuroo raises an eyebrow, expecting Kenma to answer him properly once and for all. “I just like it is all.” Kenma isn’t letting up, but there’s got to be a reason, right? Right? But with Kenma, you wouldn’t be able to tell. At all. A robotic voice announces their stop, and they step out of the train. “I’m pretty sure you have a reason.” Kuroo says as they climb up the stairs leading above ground. “You don’t know that.”

“Just tell me, dammit!” Kuroo exclaims, his finger pointing accusingly at a Kenma who was once again focused on his game. Kuroo’s Kuroo so of course, he’d be dramatic. He throws his head back and is about to guilt-trip Kenma into answering him when he suddenly stops.

“Kenma.” Kenma can barely process that Kuroo called him. Once he looked up and saw Kuroo falling behind, Kuroo just whispers, “Look.”

He does, and he’s quite surprised. If he hadn’t been so invested in his game, he’d have noticed how purple the sky was. They’re admiring the beauty of such a rare and ethereal sky, filled with faint hues of orange and yellow and with a few clouds floating overhead. Kenma’s fully focused on memorizing just how beautiful it looks, maybe he’d even take a picture. But that can wait for later.

Kuroo sighs a little, and asks, maybe a little dreamily, “Is this why you like purple?” Kenma’s thrown off by the sudden question. He’d never even seen anything like this until just now, but, still he says,

“Yeah.”

Tag/s: @weewoo186

A/n: this is like,,,, kuroken but if u don't want it to be kuroken then,,,, well it's up to u. Dedicated to @weewoo186 and her love for purple, why kuroken? Bc i said so.

[majicmarker]

so i’ve had a lot on my mind lately — the good, the bad, the ugly, you know the drill. i’m used to the bad and the ugly, but i think (and ofc by my therapist’s rec) i need to give a little credit to the good, too. not to mention the good is largely comprised of people, and those people deserve a sports stadium wave, yk? idk shit abt sports, whatever, but i know what the wave is and it’s like the grandest gesture i can think of, SO

listen, y’all. to get real here, i hate fandom. my time spent therein has been hit-or-miss, but the misses got me hard and contributed to some major self-loathing, etc etc. we’re not gonna get into the specifics, i don’t owe that to anyone, but suffice it to say things got Rough.

but so much of it can be so, so good. and rn i want to keep on my rose-colored glasses, and the rosiest parts for me have always been @kitten1618x and @mygutsforgarters

(quite a few others, too, but i no longer have everyone’s info. and some ppl are newer friends, or relationships that have moved more slowly. i have mad love for u guys too, obvs, but ik melissa and gus irl so we know each other More and they’re who this post is rly about atm. pls know i don’t want to harsh on anyone’s feelings)

the tl;dr version of events is i met them both via fanfic. i happened upon theirs like “bitch!!!! **i** wanna do this, they’re bomb as hell” and then i made them be friends w me. they’ll tell you they wanted to be friends w me first, but that’s not important bc **i** am the one making this post, so they can both like,, suck it.

ANYWAY.

@ melissa : so bitch listen. here’s the thing abt melissa…… i found her while browsing jonsa fic back when i cared abt GOT, and she brought me back to what i loved so much abt romance when i first started, way back in junior high, what’s up. i bad a fascination w historial romantic epics for a loooooong time — those formative yrs, amirite ladies??? — but girl i could never write it so well as melissa. immediately she struck this balance between the drama you expect from historicals and the levity of a good romance, and i was just like, “hand to god this woman must be published already, surely???”

(she’s not, but that’s ridiculous so we’re gonna skip that)

(also she’s busy?? we’ve been friends for like six years and i will never know how many kids she actually has, but the point is she’s a goddamn superhero and i’m obsessed w her, MOVING ON)

i just Had to be her friend for two reasons: 1) she’s too talented, and b) i have said that abt 2 ppl my entire life and she was the first, so i was like, “AH YES MY HOLY GRAIL”

so ofc i slid into her DMs just as effectively as that one guy i had a crush on when i was sixteen and he’s still shooting me texts every valentine’s day bc of the societal pressures i guess (it is Far Less Effective these days, he’s my age and therefore too young for me, gross, but i digress), except me and melissa go way stronger.

she reminded me of why, half a lifetime ago, i started writing romance — bc it’s fun, bc i want to. bc i can do absolutely anything i want, bc who else is gonna read it but me and whoever i share it with? it was all up to me what i wanted to do with it, and i could do anything. nothing really mattered but what i wanted, and i hadn’t felt that way abt anything in such a long time — let alone abt something i used to love so much.

melissa’s writing is so beautiful, it’s everything i wanted to achieve when i was fifteen and never got around to perfecting. and i’m totally okay w that now, bc what do i need to do myself that she’s not already doing/wants to do in the future? when i found melissa’s writing i found a missing part of me — a part i’d maybe lost, maybe i gave it up, idk, but it was totally gone until i found her fics and they fucking clicked. i had to reach out bc there was a part of me that was a part of her, and she helped me find that again w/o even knowing it.

so i found melissa via GOT, and from the start she’d been trying to get me to write some bethyl. years and years, she dropped not-so-subtle hints — and by “hints,” i mean legit directives that i watch just enough TWD to write her some beth/daryl fic. real crafty, she is.

eventually the stars aligned: i was bored w the same dynamics i’d been writing for years, i wanted smthn new, i was restless, i was line editing a bethyl fic she’d written, and — again — this shit clicked. her fic made me want to explore this dynamic i’d never done before, so i watched the prerequisite episodes (no more than that tho, i super hate the show and i’m begging y’all to not @ me abt it anymore). i found smthn that i’d been missing, smthn that challenged and excited me and brought me back around to why i love romance and, more importantly, why i want to write it myself.

so as i was starting to write bethyl, i was poking around the ao3 tag to get a feel for what had been done, what hadn’t, anything i might be missing. and goddamn BAM —

@ gus : this is where u enter dramatically thru a red velvet curtain that i don’t wanna touch (Metaphorically bc you do romance better than me and i’m cool w that bc your talent simply Cannot be touched, and Literally bc i hate velvet) — i was like, “please for the love of god let her want to write contemporary romance, i need some good fckin food”

i happened upon “doo wah diddy diddy” first. ofc the summary hooked me, forget my usual hard no against pregnancy fics (i have issues w pregnancy and that’s all anybody Needs to know, back off), but This Bitch !!!!!!! has a way with words and i wanted to be friends w her straightaway. lmao too bad for her, now she’s stuck w me

gus’s fics gave me what i wanted without having to write it myself. her style is so distinctive, she hits the notes between porn and Actual Affection that is missing from uhhhh, every romance i’ve tried?? (why is everyone so intent on the sex part?? fckin chill. at best it’s unrelatable and at worst u sound like u’d rather wear someone than fuck them, check urself)

she writes w such care, she wants you to know what she’s doing here, and what she’s doing here is combining the physical and emotional needs of both characters w/o infringing on anyone’s comfortability. you root for these characters bc they simply want to be together, no strings (and if there are strings, damn, they talk abt it).

gus makes you believe in love in the modern age. like, not to sound like one of those ppl who post fckin “no one in this generation knows how to love!!!1!!11!!” memes on facebook, those are dumb, but gus’s writing made me think “yeah man, love ain’t dead, it’s just abt how we approach it.”

(if y’all haven’t guessed yet, i have some hang-ups abt relationships. i’ve goddamn earned those. but melissa and gus both brought me back to where i needed to be — in this place where, yeah, we’ve got some shit to deal with, but we all still deserve the things we want, and those things are achievable. i could not have gotten here without them, so jot that down.)

gus is Real, she’s funny, she’s unapologetic in the way she writes. ofc she has her personal hurdles, but who doesn’t?? and tbh nobody writes a sex scene like gus does. physical, realistic, but balanced w the emotional depth that makes you root for these characters bc you can Feel how much they want each other — not just sexually, but in the less-erotic aftermath of that passion. it continues to blow my mind, bc i’ve never seen anyone do what she does. i can’t even pinpoint the specifics, bc she just… Does It. and you’re reading it like “yeah bitch that’s it,” and That’s It.

it’s fckin wild.

these two — my best friends, the lights of my life, both of whom always make me crave chicken tenders at THE most inconvenient hours bc somehow we always talk abt chicken or ice cream or ultimately DQ, but they're both so hot idec — have something special.

i really, really want them both to know that: it’s not just in how they’ve treated me as a friend, but who they are as people, in their creative pursuits. i’ve never known support the way they’ve shown me; i’ve never known this much enthusiasm or investment or belief that i can do what i want with my talent. i want them to know that i feel the same way abt them and their works.

sometimes, when i look back at their writing that completely kicked my ass, i still can’t believe that they’ve become two of my best friends. it’s totally bonkers. they’re This Talented, and they wanna be friends w my spastic ass? GIRL. i’m out.

i’m not always the best at being present, at giving people what they need when they need it. but with everything that melissa and gus have given me in the past few years, i need them to know this — honey!!! i need all y’all to know this, bc i know fandom shit is hard, but you should know some of these friendships are so, so worth all that bullshit, so —

they have so much to give, so much to say, so much to offer. i could not have kept going without them. i couldn’t believe in myself without the faith they’ve given to me. i hope that i can always give that same faith right back.

and that, babes, is what real soulmates are all about.

[helahades]

HC: Natasha as a Mother Figure to Tony Stark’s Daughter

Request: “Hey, I really love your writing and like to request a hc :)

Headcanon where you're Tony's daughter (Peter's age), and Natasha has been like a mother figure to you, since she's been working for/with Tony.”

-

A/N: I got carried away with this one. It’s angsty. Honestly Natasha is such a mystery to me so this was a nice challenge.

If you’re interested in more on Nat being a mom, check out @avengerscompound ‘s HC about her here. I read it a while back and again before writing this and I think she deserves your time. She understands these characters like no one I’ve ever seen!

-

This is quite a situation.

I can’t imagine Tony having raised a child from birth to mid adolescence by the time he’s meeting Nat and the Avengers Initiative is kicking off. He matures a lot through his timeline, but that’s a rough time for him.

So I’ll imagine that not only are you Peters age, but similarly to Peter, Tony took you under his wing.

He adopted you around the events of Age of Ultron let’s say. (You’ll remember Nat vocalizes frustration with not being able to start a family in this movie)

You become a lot of the reason he becomes panicked about protecting the world, and make it easier for him to understand Wanda

Also, assuming Pepper is in the picture, you’d have a stable foundation as time went on, and a main mother figure.

BUT LETS GET TO NAT

Right off the bat, this reads like a Miles Morales and Spiderverse Peter Parker situation, wherein Miles already has loving parents and doesnt need Peter to be a father figure so much as Peter needs Miles as a son figure.

Nat wants kids. She hates that the Red Room stole that from her. (in biological and emotional readiness terms)

Depending on where we are in Natashas timeline though (if you don’t like my AoU suggestion), she probably is not stepping into the nurturing role right off the bat.

She’s not living a life that accommodates settling down, or where people aren’t looking for the first vulnerability they can use to hurt her.

When she first meets Tony, she does not trust him. He’s simply a mission.

Then it becomes bigger, and she sees complexity in him and his willingness to sacrifice and put the common good first.

When you come into her life, you’ve lost a lot. You’ve seen how bad the world, and things beyond it, can be, and you may even want to dedicate your life to changing it, in a similar way to the Avengers. Maybe you completely disagree with their way about going about it.

Whatever your ambitions, you remind Nat of her younger self. She tries not to harp on the past, lest it drive her crazy, but she always wanted to change the world. Those dreams became a privilege over time though, and her main goal became survival.

She has seen darkness and death and evaded it all, but some seeps into her in the dark hours. Upon meeting you, she feels something inexplicable, and vows to keep you safe from becoming her.

She respects you. You’re young and strong and quick minded and not afraid to speak your mind on, well, anything. (The last one is a trait Tony and Pepper help to cultivate, by listening to all your ideas and opinions, no matter how wild.)

Initially when she’s around, and she’s just only met you, she simply observes. You’re curious about how things work, and Tony’s partner in crime. Pepper has her hands full, because you love Tony’s terrible jokes, the obnoxious schemes, and every eye roller idea...most of the time.

Tony and Pepper are the most stable family you’ve had in a while, and you tend not to like any plans involving Tony going out into the field.

Sometimes, you and Tony fight. It can be ugly. He loves you, and wants to protect both you and Pepper, and sometimes struggles to understand why people can’t see things the way he does.

It’s the night before a big mission.

You’re sitting in silence in the common room at an unreasonable hour. Nat only came down for an apple, and tells herself to keep walking—the elevator is right there!

But youre crying. Apples be damned. When she comes closer to investigate (with her unintentional spy stealth), or comfort or whatever the hell, she gets closer, closer—an arms length away...and you turn—before leaping from the couch in surprise and smacking into the smooth, hard floor.

After some panic and and an awkward apology, she finds an ice pack for your bruised hip and maybe it’s the pain, but you cry again. You can’t stand the thought of losing your family. Suddenly though, you feel selfish, as you’re sitting in front of a woman who’s lost more than imaginable.

She’s surprisingly gentle. Easy to open up to because it’s her job to be. But theres something else in her eye, like she’s truly invested and maybe even distressed at the sight of your distress.

When you’ve calmed down, she starts to walk you back to your room, hand on your shoulder, but on the way you decide you need to see Tony. You do love him, and he’s the one risking his life. How must he be feeling?

You take a step with that intention, before throwing your arms around Nat. It’s only after you’re squeezing that you remember the infinite ways she can kill. Pulling back shyly though, you’re surprised to see her eyes are.. soft.

You get the sense she truly didn’t mind your company at all, with or without the tears, and that she’s pleased to see you going to resolve the fight. A beat of silence, and you’re off to the lab.

After that day—a week later, actually—She’s back. She insists on training you just a little bit and showing you how to get out of basic holds.

Tony had put you in self defense training before, but it was always with a man, and it always felt off. You find it easier to train with someone who knows what’s at stake, and even better, who uses the brute force of her enemies against them.

Fighting Natashas way was fighting with your mind, even when you were using your fists.

She taught you how to analyze weakness and store it like data, but she nurtured your excitement when you were thrilled after mastering a new move.

She taught you all she knew of making weapons of the terrain, your body, and your skills, without making your mind a weapon that would turn on you.

She let you complain when things hurt, because they’re allowed to, and you’re not a machine.

You vented about being ordinary and being caught in a world where extraordinaries were the norm, making you the strange one.

She assured you, without saying these words, that your kindness and hope are the only things worth having, that everyone around you would kill for.

She watches movies with you and learns to braid your hair.

When you get your heart broken by a trainee who made you feel special, she pulls up his entry essay and you laugh at the desperation of his tone. She tells you one day he’ll feel that desperate again when he realizes he’s lost you.

She sings in Russian something that feels familiar, like maybe she’s supposed to sing it, when you can’t sleep.

There are some parts of her that she struggles to relax. She was not emotionally nurtured in a way that people need to be at a young age, and love does not fall at her feet or come naturally.

It is hard for her to believe that people with pure intentions exist, and are not dead or on their way there.

It is hard to let go and love in a world that consistently tells you it is weakness and tries to pull love away.

She rushes to find you after the snap. Finds you kneeling with bloodied knees and a tear streaked face where Pepper’s coffee mug shattered on the floor.

She sits outside your door while you cry, still reeling from the loss of her friends.

She holds you close and pushes you away while looking for the other Avengers.

She cries, but never near you, because sadness is weakness if it is hers.

She smiles and tells you it’s like a crazy dream. Laughs and says everyone will be back soon.

She shuts her door and lets in the dark after you’re tucked in. Thinks of the sky that swallowed Tony and the void where everyone else may or may not exist.

She stares at the ceiling all night. Then wakes to breakfast and stretches like she slept.

She learns to initiate hugs. She learns to tell you the truth.

She learns to mean things.

She allows herself the privilege of inside jokes.

She pulls from within herself where she thought there was no more and offers you hope when your parents and Peter are all gone. Says she’ll die before forgetting them.

She reconciles not being the most important person in your life anymore when Tony returns.

She holds you and the both of you cry, both with hope, and with fear, when she tells you they’re going to try to jump through time. She also says not to worry, be strong. She’ll be back in a minute.

She’s not.

-

-

i love u pls validate me tags: @threeminutesoflife @avintagekiss24 @jtargaryen18 @sapphirescrolls

[i-am-parsec]

                                                                                                              11/02/2020

Hey, so...I had a bit of a crisis a couple days ago and now I’m here, writing again. I think I can still picture your smug look whenever I’d admit I was “wrong”, even if my memory is very unreliable these days, I can still see it and I know for a fact that’s the look you’re giving me right now. You little shit.

Um, they are probably not gonna like reading that. They don’t like it when I “pretend I can actually communicate with my missing, most likely already dead ex husband”. Weird, right? Like I don’t see how that would disturb them, ha.

I suppose I now should explain to you who “they” are. I’m talking about my doctors, Dr. Richard Willson and Dr. Alexandra Freias, who, little fun fact, my sister hired solely on the basis of her being 1. A woman and 2. Latina. I guess she thought I’d “bond” better with someone who looked more like, but the funny bit is that Dr. Freias’ mother is Russian and she looks like a photocopy of her mother. What I’m trying is that, not only was my sister’s idea dumb, she also did a terrible job at executing it because my doctor looks white as hell. She is nice, though, and I’m grateful about that. And no, Dr. Freias, I am not writing that just so you’ll forgive me for destroying your brand new phone yesterday but yes, I am very sorry about that, or at least as sorry as I can be these days and I promise my dumb sister will replace it as soon as possible.

I’m gonna have to get used to the idea of these letters having a bigger audience than before. In the sake of my little agreement with my lovely health professionals, I’ll be open and honest and admit...I don’t like it, it makes me uncomfortable to share this, my only safe space, with people who are basically strangers to me, but I am aware this decision was taken for the sake of everyone's peace of mind. When I’m writing, I’m focused, more relaxed, less prone to spiral down after Dr. Willson gives me a mocking look and sighs at the mention of your name, Chase, so this is a good thing: I get to talk to you and my doctors get a bit of insight on what’s going on inside my mind without me losing my shit and breaking everything around me, something they claim to desperately need.

I am a woman of my word, so I will continue this little daily exercise if that is what everyone thinks is best for me, even if I can’t help but laugh at the idea that this might give them any kind of extra data about me or you or anything related to this mess our lives have been for the past couple of years. I’ve already told them everything, from the very beginning. They refuse to listen, I refuse to give in and spew the nonsense they are trying to feed me instead of the truth I already know, then we all get frustrated and eventually...we start the cycle again. Circles, we are just going on and on in these fucking circles and it does annoy me, but I guess I have accepted it to a certain degree - I’m stuck. This is my life now, an eternal retelling of the hell I’m trapped into, while being trapped within said hell. 

I am lost here, Chase, lost and blind. But I keep moving, even if I know how it is all going to end, I still walk. I walk towards you, mi amor. You are my North, my compass in a world without poles, paths or direction. Ever since we were kids I’ve been doing that. You gave me purpose in a pointless world, a home in a deserted land, a glimmer of Hope among absolute darkness...so I’ll do my part, I’ll take my medicine, I’ll go to my appointments, I’ll write my letters. I’ll be good, I swear, for you, for the kids, for my sister - who bends over and backwards for me, even if I can’t seem to forgive her-, hell, even for my doctors, who refuse to actually listen to me but also refuse to give up.

Oh, before I go, in case you were wondering why I had the mental breakdown: I was telling the doctors about our wedding and it hit me that it was the 31st. I got quiet for a second, a bit teary and informed them that that day would have been our ten year anniversary. I laughed when Dr. Freias pointed out that we got married on Halloween and told her it was on purpose, that you love this holiday so much that you begged me for months to let you proclaim your undying love for me in front of our few friends, both of us being in full costume in our tiny backyard.

That’s when it all went sideways. “Undying love”. Dr. Willson just had to remind me with a smirk that we are divorced. I would like to explain in more detail what happened after that but truth be told, I don’t know. Last thing I remember was staring at him, my whole body shaking and then, dropping under water. It's a familiar sensation by now, but it never gets less disturbing or less violating. When I was back in control of my body, the room was a mess, I had three men holding me down and Dr. Willson’s forehead was bleeding.

I do not forgive him for the unnecessary remark about my civil status but I do regret, greatly, ever hurting him and I appreciate him not quitting. I don’t know why he wouldn't, I’m just glad I don’t have to deal with a new smug asshole who thinks they have the right pill and therapy combination to fix my unfixable brain. At this point in my life, I will always rather stick with the devil I know than the devil I don’t, and besides, Richard is no devil. I should know.

It’s late now, almost 8, so I’ll send this to Dr. Freias and be on my way to bed. See you there, my love.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Link to all the chapters in chronological order, here. Link to the last chapter, if you can even call it that, here.

Well. Here’s the thing. I am too broke for therapy and too uninspired to write anything original that could probably be more nurturing to my soul than a fanfic that I started 2 years ago...so I’m here, back to my bullshit. And also, Sean is finally dropping some new crispy fresh ego content so I guess...I’m doing this. I’ll be posting daily, the quality will be shit, there might be no actual progress to the plot and it is going to be mainly me just using Stacy to vent. I have little to nothing going on in my life right now, and I vaguely remember I used to get joy from writing so in order to get even the slightest bit of serotonin, I set myself the goal of writing everyday, no word minimum or special prompt in mind, I’m just going to write, and if it’s good, great and if nobody reads, fine. I’m just trying to get back whatever pieces of myself I can find, which I think is a feeling this character can very much relate to. That might be why I’m returning to her.

Or maybe it’s the fact that I was very invested in her before I fell in love and then I was so engrossed in my relationship that I completely forgot about her and then I had my heart broken in a million tiny pieces, losing any kind of sense of self or purpose in life and now, almost six months after my first real breakup, I’m trying to rebuild myself and I secretly hope that going back to Stacy, a character that was very dear to me, I can find whatever it is that I’m looking for. Maybe, but who’s to say?

Anyway, if you read all of that bullshit (and I mean the whole post, not just my after-chapter ranting), I feel like I owe you some kind of reimbursement for emotional damages. Sadly, I’m poor, so all I can offer you are memes. You can slide on my DMs for your payment of memes. Do not feel the need to ask me how I’m doing, I am doing Fine...in the sense of I will not be yeeting myself from a rooftop any time soon, no matter how sad I might sound, I’m just a whiny bitch using writing as a coping mechanism. I’m okay, like not really, super mega hyper ok but I’m ok. If you’re concerned, I appreciate you but don’t be. I’m writing to deal with my feelings, that’s like, healthy, right? So yeah, we good. 

see u tomorrow

❤️Tag list❤️: @amyxmiaplay @beckofthewoods @closedworldofmathiel @darktrash-drash @fanfictionrecommendations-com @flyingfishflopsthings @fruitycasket @hiimizzyxoxo @hishex @scarlet-mangata @mcomegalletas @mijako98 @mysterious-cupcake-ninja @mysticalanimallover @novasingalaxies @plutoandpolaris @probablyghosting @randomartdudette @saltyweirdbi @scarlet--raven @septicuniverse @skyewardlight @thevampireauthoress @youllnevertaketheskyfromme @rats-this-username-is-taken

[gimmeyoon]

Tag Game

tagged by: @ddaenggtan whom I love and is one half of two spider-man’s pointing at each other

:: nickname(s): B, BayB, Sherbert (Based on my real name this is risky), Bob (Because my phone autocorrects BB to Bob and so my best friend and I call each other that).

:: bias: In BTS, Namjoon, Yoongi, and Jungkook (Because I am a whore)

:: blood type: I genuinely do not know, I think A+ .....

:: favourite food: Tofu and rice from a very specific Chinese place near my undergrad school OR from Sticky Rice, Asparagus, Pasta of any type, Tofurky sandwich

:: birthday: March 11, 1997

:: zodiac: Pisces Sun, Aries Moon, Sagittarius Rising

:: pronouns: she/her

:: hair length: OKAY right now it is SO LONG I’ve had short hair since I started senior year of High School, and now, 6 years later, my hair is an inch or 2 past my shoulders (I think I should cut it)

:: height: i am 5′3″ and one time I said “tall people should always be afraid” as I stood on a stool because BEING THAT HIGH UP IS SCARY 

:: a crush: I have a new crush every room I walk into I am hopeless also what ever happened to Alex the regular that I blushed around why did he stop coming to my Starbucks Alex I miss you

:: what do you like about yourself: I like my style and my confidence. I took me a really long time to feel good about myself, but I feel like I’m finally as confident as everyone always thought I was. I like my creativity and how empathetic I am. 

:: left or right handed: I am right handed but live in fear that I was supposed to be left handed based on my mom’s haunted memory of taking the marker out of my left hand as a child and putting it into my right and immediately regretting it.

:: list of 3 favourite colours: CURRENTLY: pastel pink, neon green, and pastel purple

:: (right now) eating: nothing, but I have a Mediterranean grain bowl from Panera in front of me  for later so I could use their wifi

:: (right now) drinking: Starbucks venti iced coffee with soy, light ice, and 3 pumps of cinnamon dolce syrup.

:: i’m about to: start planning for Spring semester which starts tomorrow! 

:: listening to: my Korean music playlist, which is named 음악, because Google translate told me that’s how you write music in Korean, if it’s wrong please tell me I don’t want to be embarrassed. It’s my most listened to playlist and more specifically I am listening to Tell Me What To Do by SHINee

:: kids: Does my cat count? I call her my baby and her name is Mochi. Or is this like do I want to have them? Yes, I have wanted to be a mom since I was very little, but that’s also maybe because of child hood trauma that we do not have time to unpack, anyways I always pictured myself as a mom but like not as a wife? So kids even if I’m a single mom. 

:: get married: LMAO according to the above I am not like that invested in it, but also I am down to get married one day. I’m genuinely happy alone and I don’t actively seek out romantic relationships BUT ALSO I WANT TO BE LOVED DAMN IT. Idk one day but no time soon.

:: recent phone call: My mom because she face timed me and I could tell it was a butt dial and I was right. 

:: (have u ever) dated someone twice: No. I am the type of person that is done when I’m done and my mind isn’t going to be changed. Also I never liked anyone I dated that much OOP.

:: been cheated on: Probably, like they swore to the end that they didn’t, but he immediately started dating the girl (my best friend) that I swore he was cheating on me with SO LIKE EMOTIONALLY YES.

:: kissed someone and regretted it: Literally one of my boyfriends, and yet even after regretting the kiss I DATED HIM WHAT THE HELL

:: lost someone special: Yes. No way to make this entertaining or funny sorry.

:: been depressed: We are thicc into the effects of seasonal affective disorder SO YES (I’m sorry that effects my work on this blog and is proof that being depressed TM does not make you a better artist I CANT DO SHIT RIGHT NOW)

:: been drunk and thrown up: OKAY so yes, the first time was my freshman year of college and I WAS WASTED, and then not again until MY SENIOR YEAR where I would be LEGALLY ALLOWED TO DRINK. I learned the hard way that when I am out and my friend says WHO WANTS TO DO SHOTS if my immediate answer is yes, it should be no, because I never want to take a shot unless I am already too drunk. 

:: had glasses or contacts: I have both! I’ve had glasses since the first grade and I got contacts in the 7th grade, which I prefer because I like seeing in my peripheral.

:: had sex on the first date: well as a Virgin TM, no

:: broken someone’s heart: Yes, and I am not sorry OOP

:: turned someone down: Yes, and it is always awkward I hate it

:: cried when someone died: Yes, every time

:: fallen for a friend: Yes, refer back to I have a new crush every room I enter 

:: (in the last year have you) made a new friend: YES, I moved to a whole new state and made friends on this here website

:: laughed until u cried: Yes and its one of my favorite emotions

:: met someone who changed u: I think everyone we truly get to know and meet changes us in some way.

:: found out who your true friends were: Yes and that shit hurted

:: found out someone was talking about you: Probably, I am pretty oblivious to things like that, so I could genuinely never realize. 

:: lips or eyes: Eyes I guess. I’ve never thought about it but I guess I think more about eyes than lips when it comes to a person. 

:: hugs or kisses: Kisses are great but HUGS hit DIFFERENT. You can kiss random people and it means nothing except hey you’re hot, but THE THOUGHT of the person I love hugging me tight EUPHORIC

:: romantic or spontaneous: Spontaneous romantic gestures

:: hookup or relationship: Relationship, even though like to think I’m a bad bitch that can’t be locked down, I also need to be comfortable with a person before I can be intimate.

:: first best friend: from birth until the beginning of high school, growing apart from her was worse than any break-up I’ve ever had and I still think about how my mom held me in the car while I cried about the end of our friendship. 

:: surgery: nope

:: sports i joined: I did Softball and basketball until high school, played JV volleyball for one year in the 8th grade, and then after that I was a Cheerleader.

:: do u believe in yourself: Sometimes. Recently when Fall semester ended I thought I did really poorly on my final papers, but when I presented in both classes people were really impressed. I had even started to wonder if trying to get my PhD was unrealistic. I think it was the reminder I needed that I am smart and strong and I can do most things if I set my mind to them, so I’m dedicated to believing in myself in 2020.

:: miracles: I don’t know. Maybe. I hate to take a strong stance and say no, but I’ve also never seen one. 

:: love at first sight: I believe in like at first sight, but not love. Love is a verb and requires work. Love is so much more than just seeing someone, it involves looking into their soul and saying I recognize the light in you and I love it. 

:: heaven: I was raised religious but idk man. It’s crazy because of how strongly I felt about this 6 years ago.

:: do u have any pets: My parents have a dog that I lived with until 6 months ago and I have a cat. I want another cat uwu.

:: do u want to change your name: No, I love my name. But my alias on here, I think about changing it all the time.

:: what did u do for your last birthday: I went out with my friends, and did really cute makeup, and was really feeling myself. 

:: what time did u wake up today: I got to sleep in since I had the day off, so 10:00 am.

:: what were u doing last night at midnight: Sleeping my dude, I passed out at like 10:00 pm

:: something i can’t wait for: my whole life I’ve been waiting to live the life I want to live, and I know this is a sad thing to say, but I still feel that way. It’s hard to change my mentality, but I’m very future focused. 

:: last time u saw your mum: AHHH recently! My parents came up last week and I got to see them for the first time since November, and my mom cried WHEN SHE WALKED INTO MY APARTMENT 

:: what is one thing u wish u could change about your life: I wish I could finally make a solid group of friends where I currently live, but I am very nervous about it and I don’t put myself out there ooof I also would like to stop procrastinating the things I want to do like my YouTube channel and I want to stop being depressed and I want to go to NYC more often

I’d like to tag…. @strawbxxymilk @honiboyyoon @helpitskpop @sketchguk 

[lovemesomesurveys]

S c h o o l Did you/do you like school? Looking back after a few years, I think I did overall. I wouldn’t have said that in the moment, though. I got very easily overwhelmed, stressed, and burnt out. Many tears were shed. A lot of anxiety was induced. I hated the presentations and taking exams. There were parts I did like, though. There were assignments, books, courses, teachers, and activities that I liked. The learning aspect of stuff that was of real interest to me was enjoyable.  What was/is the best thing about going to school? The worst? I listed the good and bad in my previous answer. All that being said, I do believe education is good and important.  What was/is your favourite subject? Least favourite? My favorite was always english and then psychology, obviously. That was my major. My least was always math. That was the absolute worst.  Who was/is your favourite teacher? Least favourite? My favorite in elementary and middle school (my school was a K-8th grade) was Mr. McGill. He was my 4th grade teacher, but he ended up being an 8th grade teacher later on and I was able to have him again. He was very funny and cool and made learning fun. He genuinely cared about his students. Everyone loved him. In high school it was my sophomore history teacher, Mr. Coffey. He reminded me so much of Rob Dyrdek from how he looked to how he acted. He was cool. He always jammed out to Red Hot Chili Peppers before class. In college I had a few awesome professors. College professors are usually pretty rad.

What did/do you do for break/recess? Recess I just hung out with my friends. I forget what we did, exactly. I couldn’t go on the playground (I’m in a wheelchair). I probably just watched them for awhile or something. I remember playing 4-square. Probably stuff like tag as well. I honestly don’t really remember what I did for recess in elementary school. In middle school we just hung out. *shrug* Oh, and had snacks cause most of us always brought chips or whatever to munch on before lunch. People were suddenly your best friend if you had Hot Cheetos haha. In school break was lunch and I just ate and hung out with friends mostly. In college if I was campus for a long time I usually ate between classes, studied, did some reading, got coffee, messed around on my phone and watched YouTube or Netflix or something.  Did you/do you do any after school activities? What? In 5th and 6th grade I was a Girl Scout. In middle school we had electives, but that was during school so I guess that doesn’t count. I think it was like toward the end of the school day, though. Oh, also my local community college offered some fun classes for kids during the summer and I did some of those. In high school I was in a couple clubs. I was VP for one of them. When I was at community college I was an active club and then board member of the psychology club. In university I didn’t do anything, ha. I went to my classes and went home.  Did you/do you take part in a club or sport at school? What? No sports, but yeah the club stuff I just listed. ^^^  What age did you start school? Like 3 in preschool. If you've left school do you wish you were still there? Nope! haha. I served my time as I say. I’m doneeee. S l a n d e r Do you take things people say at face value? Not always. Depends what they’re telling me, obviously. If someone was like, “there’s a huge meteor crashing to earth tomorrow” I’m gonna look into that lol. What is the worst rumour that has been spread about you? There weren’t any. Not that I ever knew of, anyway. I wasn’t relevant. Can you honestly say you never act two faced? No. I think we’ve all been fake in some way or another at some time or another. Some people are just fake people, though. Like that’s just who they are as a person, ya know? I’m not one of those people, but I can’t say that I’ve never been before.  Do you get talked about behind your back often [someone tells you]? I’m sure my former friends have talked a lot of shit about me over the past few years and rightfully so. I wouldn’t blame them at all. Now I’m probably not even on their radar anymore and they probably just don’t give a shit, which I also wouldn’t blame them for. Apart from that, I mean I’m sure people have said stuff about me behind my back and I’ve been told things before. For the most part; though, I really feel like I was always pretty insignificant and not even on most people’s radar. Do you believe everyone is somewhat of a gossip? Yeah, pretty much. Some are just make it their life; though, and live for the gossip and drama. Don't you think those who insult others and their lives just seriously need to get a life of their own? I don’t understand the obsession some people have for people they claim to dislike or hate. Like, why are they so invested and give any of their time to someone they don’t like? It makes NO sense. I see that so much on the internet. I watch YouTubers and there will be so many haters who just have to get their fix and watch the video and talk shit about the person. They just have to leave that comment and make it known. I’m just like, WHY. I don’t waste my time watching or following up on someone I don’t like. I don’t feel the need to leave a rude comment. It’s real easy to just X out the video and find something else. Why waste your time??? I’ve just really been seeing that a lot lately especially on YouTube. Same with celebrities. There’s some I’m not a fan of or don’t particularly care for, but I have the need to go tweet and tell them that I don’t like them or talk shit in their comments. Make comments to yourself or to someone privately, but you don’t need to make it known to the person. I just move along with your life. That goes for anyone. We all talk shit sometimes, don’t act like you never do, but you don’t need to insult people to their face. S p o r t s Do you like sports in general? Nope. Do you prefer field sports, team sports or other? I prefer no sports. Do you run/jog regularly? Nope. Do you like/enjoy swimming? What's your usual stroke? Nope. What sport do you like to watch but not to play? None. What sport do you like to play but not to watch? None. Who is your favourite sportsman/woman? What sport do they play? I don't have one. Are you sporty, average or hate sports? Sports are just not my thing, man.  R a p Do you like rap music? Yeah. Whose your favourite rap artist? Why? I have several. I’m probably most into Post Malone these days. I like Drake, too. There’s also the newer genre, emo rap, that I’m into as well. That includes like Juice WRLD and Travis Scott. Thennn there’s like rap rock. Linkin Park, one of my top favorite bands, fall under that category. Whose your least favourite rap artist? Why? Hmm. Name me a few rap songs that you like? I don’t wanna.  Name me a few rap songs you dislike? I don’t wanna. Is rap one of your top 3 genres of music? I don’t know, man. I just like variety. Eminen or Dr. Dre? Eminem.  Dizzy Rascal or Will.i.am? I don’t think I’ve heard of Dizzy Rascal.  D12 or Bone Thugs n Harmony? I liked a couple songs by D12. Haven’t listened to them in a long time, though. R e a d i n g Do you like reading? I love to read. What's your favourite book? Whose your favourite author? I can’t choose a favorite. I just can’t. I’ve been reading a longgggg time and have read a lottttttt of books. I have too many favorites. Fiction or Non Fiction? I like fiction better.  Sci-Fi or Historical Novel? Hm. Probably sci-fi out of the two. Fantasy or Horror? Horror. Romance or War Novel? Romance. Do you prefer films or books? I enjoy both. How many books do you think you own? Quite a lot, but not as much as I used to. I’ve been reading a lot of ebooks for the past several years, so I have a lot of those. I have a lot saved in my Kindle app. What books have you read that made you sad? I’ve read countless number of sad books. What books have you read that frightened you? I read a lot of mystery and psychological thriller, so. What books have you read that were terrible? The only ones I’m embarrassed to admit I’ve read are the Fifty Shades of Gray series. :X What books have you read that left you wanting more? So many. I get really into a book and the characters. I love a series.  R e l i g i o n Do you believe in God? Yes. Do you believe in multiple Gods/Goddesses? No. What is your religion called? Christian. Do you believe in Angels and Demons? Yes. Do you believe in Heaven and Hell? Yes. Do you believe in The Devil? Yes. Not like how he’s portrayed in movies and such, like the red dude with a pitchfork, but yes.  What rule/ideal in your religion do you think is the most important? The 10 Commandments.  What, to you, is the difference between spirituality and religion? Religion consists of practices, beliefs, and a relationship with God. Spirituality is more within yourself.  Q u e s t i o n s O f O d d n e s s Do you like tandoori chicken? Never had it. I don’t even know what that is. Can you hear a man's voice right now? On the TV. What nations tea is the best? I don't know. Can you remember what you were doing at 12.30pm yesterday? Sleeping. Does the colour purple make you feel a particular emotion? No. What age are you going to be in 2020? I’m turning 31 this year. D: What colour are your siblings eyes? Brown. Do you more often get a sore throat, cough or sneeze? Sore throat or cough. Do you get more headaches, earaches, toothaches or sore eyes? Headaches and sore eyes. Do you usually wear plain coloured clothes or dual/multi coloured? I wear a lot of black, but it has stuff on it it’s not just a plain black shirt. How far away is the nearest take away place from your house? Like a 2 minute drive. Do you think sarcasm is a good tool or just annoying? It can be annoying when done excessively. It can just be rude sometimes. I have my sarcastic moments, though.  What photos do you have on your phone? Saved photos of stuff I found online, my doggo, some of me, just various things. What's the model of your phone? iPhone XR. Do you drink hot honey and lemon when ill? Nope. My younger brother swears by that kind of stuff when he’s sick. What word would sum up today? It’s only 6 in the morning. I need to go to bed omg. This week? Uh, itt’s just starting. This month? Meh. This year? Way too soon to say. Favourite type of muffin? Banana without the nut and blueberry. Streusel on top makes them even better.

[afewmarvelousthoughts]

Truth Pt. 8

Master List: @afewmarvelousthoughtsadmin

Request:

What’s up sug! sorry you’re struggling right now but I’ve come to help you If you could bring this to light for me I’d absolutely love for YOU TO DO JT So basically Bucky X Enhanced reader who are fuckin enemies. Hate each other to every last fiber of their beings bc Bucky is rude and she calls him out on it. AnywHs, they get drunk, truth or dare (go crZy baby) and LOTS LF dirty talk if u wanna do smut but if u don’t then buck taking care of her while she’s drunk cause she admitted her feelings

Pairing: Bucky X Reader (Enhanced)

Summary: Since The Avengers gave you a home the only blight has been Bucky Barnes, a ghost from your past that you can’t seem to shake. It makes you hate him. The feeling, it seems, is mutual. But… a simple game reveals that maybe things aren’t quite so simple. (Post Winter Soldier AU)

Warnings: References to past violence

A/N: I don’t know what to say about this one. It’s stressful, and soft, and... yeah. 

Hope y’all like this one!

Tags are open!

“Sargent Barnes, Mr. Stark, and the others are on their way here,” Jarvis says softly.

Bucky grimaces and looks down at you curled into a tight ball next to him breathing softly. It took about 30 seconds for you to drift off after you laid your head on his chest. You need this rest, desperately, so the thought of waking you pains him but it has to happen.

“Doll,” he gives your right hand a squeeze and kisses your head, “you have to wake up.” You groan a little and shift, “Come on, we’ll get this over with and you can sleep all you want.” He’d make damn sure of that.

Sitting up you rub your eyes, “How long was I out?”

“Just about fifteen minutes.” He reaches for your mug, “Here.”

“Thanks,” you take a huge gulp and go to get up for more.

“I got it,” Bucky plucks the mug from your grip.

“I can-” you begin to protest.

“Hush,” he says, “you’re a guest let me fill your mug.” As he’s pouring Jarvis announces the arrival of the team.

He meets your gaze from across the apartment. You look worried for an instant, unsure. He’s pretty sure he feels the same. But still, you nod strongly, ready to face whatever came.

“Let them in, Jarvis.”

Everyone flows in as he hands you the mug and takes his spot next to you once more. He knows it’s bad hosting etiquette, his ma would have a fit at him for not rising to greet guests or making them their drinks. It doesn’t matter. They aren’t his priority right now and he knows, it’s a power move.

Steve’s the first one in, “Coffee?” He asks.

“Yup, carafe full in the kitchen, help yourselves.”

Natasha is after Steve and she casts a worried look at Y/N who is refusing to lift her eyes from the coffee table, hands white-knuckled around her mug. Bucky gives her knee a reassuring squeeze and she looks at him with a halfhearted smile. Even that sends his heart fluttering a bit.

No one says anything as they fill their mugs and find a seat. Natasha takes the spot next to you on the couch. You turn to her. Bucky catches the warm smile she offers you and hears the whispered, “I got your back.” The loose bun on top of your head bobs as you nod in acknowledgment of her statement and your eyes focus back on the table.

He notices your right hand gripping your knee, small sparks just visible under the surface of your skin. Uncaring he takes your hand in his metal one. To his surprise you take it, holding tight enough to break a regular human's delicate bones there. For him though, it feels reassuring.

Tony sits across from you in one of the dining chairs and Steve is in the large chair to Bucky’s right, where he always is when he’s over. Everyone else but Thor is here, having had to leave a few days prior for some god business or other.

Bucky hears Tony take a breath as if about to speak but he’s interrupted by Sam.

“Hold up,” he lifts a hand in the air and gestures to the two of you on the couch, “I obviously missed something. Didn’t you threaten to kill him the other day?” Anger flashes through Bucky and he glares at Sam. You however just let out a little laugh.

“Sharp aren’t ya?” You quip and Sam’s face softens in a look that’s almost relief. He is your friend, after all, Bucky reminds himself.

“You owe me,” Clint whispers loudly at Natasha and she rolls her eyes. Another giggle comes from you and Bucky feels like he’s the one missing something now.

Sighing Tony dives in, “Sam does have a point there. You did threaten to kill a team member, Y/N, that’s a pretty serious issue.”

“I deserved it,” Bucky says staring Tony down.

“Oh?”

Your hand squeezes his and he continues, “I made a bad call. Would have gotten myself killed and probably everyone in range too. Y/N, made a better call. I behaved like an ass after. So any repercussions should be on me, not her.”

Steve snorts, “This isn’t the army, pal.” Bucky looks at his best friend, leaning forward in the chair smiling a half smile at the two of you. “No one’s going to get court marshaled. And this sure as shit isn’t Hydra, no one is going to be punished. We just need to know what happened.”

“And what exactly you were all up against down there,” Tony takes a sip of the coffee and gives an approving nod toward the cup before continuing. “Nat and Steve said… well that whatever came at you was-”

“Like me,” you finish the statement, voice hollow.

Tony nods, “Not that we even know exactly what like you means, Y/N. Plus there were the two other…”

“Assets,” Bucky whispers, the word leaving a bitter taste on his tongue.

“Yeah. Three seemingly high investments left alone? What’s that about?” Everyone is staring at the two of you waiting for an answer.

Bucky takes a deep breath. “That was an Asset Facility. It’s where… where they work on special projects as they call them. Where they make-”

“Weapons,” your voice again is devoid of any emotion. He looks at you a second before continuing.

“They likely got wind of our surveillance somehow and abandoned ship. Knew the project wouldn’t survive anyway and the other two assets were expendable puppets, not a high investment like…” He almost said like us but the words won’t come out. They all seem to understand anyway.

“We found the woman, the… project,” Tony grimaces a bit at the dehumanizing term, “and another corpse that was…”

“Incinerated…” you say. Bucky looks at you, he wasn’t aware of this.

“So you saw that one too?” Tony leans back in his chair. You nod. “Did one attack the other or?” You shake your head, eyes focused on the coffee in your left hand, grip tightening on his hand.

“No…” your hand trembles and he’s about to demand they all leave when you keep going, “they… it… I guess the best way to put it is spontaneous combustion. They burned themselves out. Alone. In that cell.” It’s the last bit that sucks the air out of the room, each person imagining what that kind of death would have been like.

Bruce clears his throat, fingers toying with a loose thread on his cardigan, “We, uh, did an autopsy on the woman.” You don’t look at him, just nod. “Her internal organs were… almost…” He clears his throat again trying to find the words to make the horrific more palatable and coming up empty, “Cooked, basically. She was burned from the inside out. There was no way she would have survived much longer in that state.”

Something like a hollow laugh comes from you, “Yeah. Call it a mercy killing if you want.”

“What we want is to know how someone in that condition could pose such a threat.” Tony’s tone is matter of fact, not aggressive, but it rankles Bucky’s nerves either way.

“You saw what she did to Steve,” it still made Bucky shiver, thinking of Steve being hurt.

“True,” Tony nods, “but you can’t tell me that you two couldn’t have handled that faster or-”

“She was going to blow,” your voice is surprisingly steady.

Bucky’s eyes shoot to you, “Don’t.” Your gaze slowly meets his. The two of you should have spoken about this earlier, should have worked out a plan.

“They need to know,” the look in your eyes feels like a knife in his belly. You’re terrified. He feels your hand release a bit but he refuses to let go. Taking a deep shaky breath you go for it.

“Like me, is a complicated thing to quantify… I don’t even really know how I do what I do or exactly how they made this happen. But at some level I’m…” You shudder and squeeze his hand, “I’m basically a human-shaped atomic bomb.”

Silence hangs as you gather your thoughts. “This… ability can be overloaded, pushed to a point that the energy will release all at once with enough force… well, I don’t actually know how much. I’m still here so that obviously hasn’t been tested. And she…” You're shaking all over now.

Bucky takes over, “There’s a tell. Bright pulsing, all over the body, one solid light. The project did that. We both knew what that meant in context to Y/N.” He glances at you and notices a tendril of light snaking up the side of your neck, “I made the call to hold the project off until Y/N could get the others to safety. The more I could distract her the less time it would take to blow. A gunshot or too much physical contact could cause it to go off too. It was a… delicate situation.”

“So how did you…?” Natasha says softly.

“She lashed out at Bucky, I took the blow like I had earlier, redirected her own energy back at her straight through her heart. I hope-”

“Wait…” Tony’s brows are knit. “You’re telling me you have the capacity to… overload?! And you don’t actually know what the consequences of that could be? So anytime you could just snap and kill everyone in range, Y/N?!

“That’s enough, Tony,” Bucky knows murder is dripping from each syllable.

“No. It’s not,” he slams his mug down. “That’s putting not only this team but innocent civilians at risk every time, all the time, you’re-”

“I’m not like her,” your voice is barely above a whisper, tremors visibly shaking your body. “I’m. Not.” You look up and meet Tony’s furious stare, “I have control. For whatever reason, I was able to contain this. I wouldn’t… I’d never… hurt any of you…” Your eyes dart around the room, frantically, begging someone to believe you. Bucky does, though he knows that control is… a relative term.

“I know,” Natasha lays a reassuring hand on your left thigh. “We know,” she flashes a murderous look at Tony.

“Wanting and doing aren’t always the same thing,” Tony says sighing. “Sorry, I’m not attacking you I’m just… thrown.” Your lips are pursed trying to keep your composure. Bucky catches Natasha’s worried look over your hunched shoulders.

“I can handle her,” Bucky’s voice is gruff. He hates saying this.

“What does that mean,” Sam’s gaze is cold.

“It means I can keep her from doing anything she can’t live with.” Sam just shakes his head and looks away, anger clear. Good, Bucky liked that Sam hated the thought of that almost as much as he did.

“But you couldn’t handle the one in the facility?” Tony again, isn’t trying to be an ass but that’s how it seems to Bucky.

“Not in the same way…” Fuck, he doesn’t know if you know exactly how he can handle you but… well, now you would. “It’s… there’s trigger words.” Your head shoots to him. Great, so you didn’t know. “Somehow they redirect the energy inside and cause…” He swallows hard, unable to say it, looking down at your hand still somehow confidently gripping his.

“Like the one in the cell?” Clint asks, voice soft. Bucky nods.

Tony lets out a long sigh and looks to Steve, begging him to take control of the situation.

Finally, Steve speaks. “How many more of you are there, Y/N?”

You stare at him for a long minute, “I didn’t know there were any." Bucky feels you begin to shake again. “As far as I knew I was the only one. They stopped when it worked with me. Even then…”

He remembered them complaining. Wipes lasted shorter times on you, the chair wasn’t as effective likely due to your own energy, making you difficult to control. Because of that, you were only brought out to the field for very select ops and often with not only a handler but the Soldier in tow.

“Why would they make more of you now?” Steve’s tone is measured, he can tell you’re shaken and he’s trying to be gentle. Bucky appreciates him silently. He’s worried you’re about to break but you take a deep breath, steadying yourself, this question seems to somehow bring you back to center.

“Why not? If they have the means a human-shaped bomb… that’s a statement maker. After everything it’s possible what’s left of Hydra is in the mood to make just such a statement.”

[Reader]

Nail meet head.

Everyone falls into a heavy silence. They’re either looking anywhere but you or right at you. The weight of your statement weighing on each individual.

You’d been thinking this over since the mission. It’s been one of the few things you could focus on with any accuracy. Setting your coffee down you hold your left hand up you watch the tiny points of light glow under your skin.

“I don’t really know how they did it…” Solid threads of light glow up your fingers, “All I know is it took years.” Natasha shifts next to you, the thought of that making her uncomfortable, Bucky gives your right-hand a reassuring squeeze. You hadn’t spoken of this… ever. “Years, trial and error… and a whole hell of a lot of pain. Unless they were working on them before, and I doubt it, they’re rushing this.”

“So their chances of success are slim,” Tony says, relief in his tone almost hopeful.

You cast him a dark gaze, “Their chances of repeating me are slim. Even more so without some form of the serum but…”

“They don’t need to repeat you to make a statement,” Natasha says next to you. You nod in agreement.

“All they have to do is place some half baked human bombs in key locations and people will start looking at high profile enhanced individuals with distrust.” You look around the room, “More distrust than they already do that is…” It was Hydra’s way. Indirect control.

Tony lets out a loud breath and gets up. He paces around the room a few times while your words sink into everyone.

“Ok,” Bruce huffs out. All eyes shift to him. “They’re trying to replicate you as best they can, given their limited resources. That means you’re the best lead we’ve got.” He pauses looking over at Tony, “We’ve been wanting to… examine your abilities for a while-”

“She’s not a science experiment,” Steve snaps. Bucky looks over at him, a pleased smile on his face.

“Of course not,” Bruce hold up his hands. “We never said anything because we wanted to give Y/N time to settle in here.” Tony slumps back in his chair.

“Look,” Tony leans forward, elbows on his knees, “we would never do something without your consent but… Y/N, you gotta throw us a bone here. We don’t even know what we’re dealing with when it comes to you and now this-”

“This is-” Bucky’s tone and the tremor in his hand says he’s about to go off, you cut him off.

“I’m down.”

“Y/N…” Bucky turns to you, face a mask of concern.

“It’s ok,” you give him a small smile. “You’re right, Bruce, I’m the best lead. What do you need from me.”

The shock on Bruce’s face is evident, “Oh… uh… no-nothing invasive. If we can get some solid energy scans from you, blood samples while your power is active, stuff like that we can start putting together an algorithm that can scan for that specific energy signature and variants close to it. See if they’re trying this elsewhere.”

“I can also try to come up with a suit or something similar that can keep you from… overloading so Manchurian over here,” you glance at Bucky, he hates this nickname from Tony, “won’t ever have to use whatever Jedi mind trick he has to make you blow yourself up.”

Relief floods your system. You hoped for an outcome like this but you didn’t let yourself believe it could really happen. A shaky half laugh trips over your lips, “That’s it?” Tears prick at your eyes as you scan the room.

“For now. Give me 24 hours I’m sure I can cook up some other fun ideas if you’re going to let us play with this,” Tony sweeps his hands up and down in your direction, “whatever the hell it is in your system.”

A soft smile lights his face, “You’re one of us, Y/N, we just needed to know you were ok. That you weren’t about to light Ice Boy on fire at a moment’s notice.” The smile turns impish, “And since it looks like you’re lighting him up in a whole different way-”

“Excuse you-” You jab an elbow hard into Bucky’s ribs. The tension breaks as everyone laughs at his surprised wheeze. Even Bucky is smiling as he looks down at you.

Steve stands, “I think that’s all we need to worry about for now.” He looks down at you two, a tender look on his face, “We’ll get out of your hair.” Everyone stands, including you and Bucky.

You sway a bit on your feet as Natasha pulls you into an embrace, “Get some rest please,” she whispers in your ear. You give her a solid nod in acknowledgment.

“Sparks,” Tony calls to you as Steve and Bucky embrace. You make your way to him, feeling more and more unsteady. He rests his hands on your shoulders, supporting you, “Anything you need you let me know, anything.” His gaze is intense.

“I will, Tony.” His eyebrows raise in doubt, “I promise. This was… I just…”

“I get it,” he smiles. “I’ll make you a recovery playlist,” he pats your shoulder and heads for the door. Turning he points to you, “Be sure to play it loud enough to annoy the grump.” You look to your right as Bucky approaches you, his eyes rolling.

You laugh, “You got it, boss.” Tony winks and heads out as Bucky slips a supportive arm around your waist. You’re grateful and lean into his steady frame.

“You have so much explaining to do, traitor” Sam quips, a kind smile on his face.

“You’re still my number one jetpack, Wilson, don’t be butthurt.”

He cups your cheek then glares at Bucky, “Take care of her.”

“I will,” you’re surprised at the smile playing on his lips.

“If you don’t, Winter Soldier or not I’ll beat your ass.”

“Sam, grown nuclear risk woman here,” you pat his hand still resting on your face, “I’ll be good.”

He smiles, “Oh I’ll whoop your ass too if you don’t take care of yourself. Just making sure he knows what’s what.” Tenderly, he pats your face and steps back. “Call your therapist,” he winks, Sam was always on you about it. He claps Steve on the shoulder before he’s gone too.

Steve is the last one there. Pulling away from Bucky you give the Captain a heartfelt hug. “Look out for him,” he whispers in your ear. Everyone could see how wrecked you were. Bucky wasn’t much better, it was just less visible. But Steve could see it plain as day. Your heart swells a bit in your chest to know someone is paying attention to Bucky’s needs too.

You hold his gaze and nod. A smile fills Steve’s face telling you he can sense just how much was held in that gesture.

“You both get some rest,” he says after he and Bucky exchange a hug.

“Aye, aye, Cap,” you give him a half-hearted salute.

“You’re worse than Tony,” he calls over his shoulder.

You laugh, “That cuts deep Steve.”

He turns back, “So sure. Call if either of you needs anything.”

Immediately you bury your face in Bucky’s chest, breathing in his reassuring smell. His arms curl around you, holding you tight pressing a kiss on top of your head.

“I told you it would be fine,” you say pressing your cheek against his sternum.

“That you did,” he sighs, “could have easily not been though.”

“Can’t live on could have beens Buck,” his stomach growls. “Wait,” you pull back and give him a once over, “you didn’t eat anything earlier.” He shrugs. Guilt washes over you for not realizing before. You grab his hand and start to drag him to the kitchen.

“I’m good, Y/N,” he laughs a little, “really. You don’t have to-”

“Shut up,” you push him on to one of the stools. “What kind of food do you have here?” Opening his fridge you groan. Eggs, protein shakes, a couple more of those Pedialyte drinks, and a few pre-made meals from one of those ���healthy’ restaurants on the lower floors of the tower.

Groaning you look around the door to him, “You are such a dude.”

He laughs, “Not up to your standards?”

“Not by a long shot,” you flash him a smirk. “Ok, eggs, one of those terrible meal things, or order out?”

“Those meals aren’t bad,” he protests.

“They taste like fucking cardboard.”

“Eggs, because I don’t want to face your judgement,” he says smiling standing up, “but I can make-”

“Get back on that stool before I tie you to a chair.”

He sits and smirks at you, “Maybe later, doll,” he winks.

Once he’s eaten and you’ve downed a protein bar and bottle of Pedialyte you’re both just about ready to topple over.

“Thanks,” he smiles back at you as he loads the dishwasher.

“Just returning the favor.”

He rounds the island and tilts your face up to his, thumbs grazing your cheekbones. “I don’t know about you but I need sleep.” You nod.

Wordlessly the two of you undress and crawl into bed. The feeling of his skin on yours, his soft breath on the back of your neck, the steady thrumming of his heart, they make everything else fall away.

“Sleep well, doll,” he whispers against your ear.

And you do.

@midnightdream83 @mywinterwolf @disagreetoagree @breezy1415 @peachthatdrinkslemonade @wonderlandmind4 @piensa-bonito @handplucked @buckysstar @sam-jae @marauder--harder @for-the-love-of-the-fandom @andreagf56 @meg-asaur @jewelofwinter @fairislesheets @animegirlgeeky @lydklein1 @katecolleen @siriuslycloudy2

[enhacharms]

okay i have so much to say rn i don't think i'll be able to fit it all in the tags bc WOW was this a good fic

(gonna but a keep reading tab here in case anyone wants to read it but doesn't want spoilers hehe)

i am a sucker for fake dating au's and this fic exceeded my expectations with the way it was carried out. not only was the plot detailed and enticing, but op's writing style was so beautiful and humorous at the right times, the combination was perfect 😫

the characterisation and backstory of jay himself was wonderfully written and op conveyed his emotions in a way that even i started feeling sorry for him, embarrassed for him, happy for him 🤧 the main character was so likeable and funny, so it was easy to root for her and support her decisions throughout, and the descriptions of the setting and the characters themselves were done amazingly, in such a way that i could picture the whole fic as i read it

here are some of my favourite lines (i would copy and paste the entire fic if i could, but this is just a snippet of those heart-warming/heart-wrenching bits):

“Don’t flatter yourself, princess. We’ve got fake lives to live.” “Call me princess one more time and you won’t have a real life to live,” you flash him a sarcastic smile and slam the door in his face.

i almost SCREAMED at this bit, not just bc i am Whipped for park jongseong and i would die if he called me 'princess' but PLS y/n's so funny, jay, can i steal her from u </3

If someone gave you five dollars for every time you’ve already rolled your eyes at him today, you wouldn’t even need to be in this deal for the five hundred dollars.

his strong dislike for highlighters (they hurt his eyes, okay?)

nothing specific about these two, just made me giggle 🙈

You internally giggle at the thought of your Jay being so picture-perfect in the eyes of his father’s co-workers.

your jay. your jay. YOUR JAY HJDSVNAMKLC Y/N THOUGHT OF JAY AS HERS EVEN THEN OH MY GOD

this is a good time to mention my love for the company dinner scene, the interactions with mrs lee, jay and y/n just Admiring how gorgeous one another looked, jake telling y/n about how whipped jay was for her 😫

without a second thought, you’re giving him a genuine smile that he’s immediately returning. Your heart beats faster at the view. You wonder why.

THIS FXCKING COMPANY DINNER SCENE UGH I LOVE IT SM you can just Tell they've fallen for each other at this point 🙈 and as a writer, i just LOVED the short sentences used and how this format was used in jay's perspective as well as y/n's (hopefully that makes sense cdhjsbjn)

Friends don’t make his heart beat nervously whenever he’s around them. Friends don’t keep him up at 3AM in the morning, pondering about his feelings for them. Friends don’t provide him with this new, warm comfort he’s become accustomed to whenever he’s around you.

DFUISJ YES THE REALISATION MOMENT PLS THIS IS SO WHOLESOME IDK WHY

he’s sure about one thing. That he’s wearing his heart on his sleeve right now, and it’s all because of you.

simp jay simp jay simp jay 🥲🥺

Something he’s scared he’s already lost. You.

this + the angsty car scenes and those few days where they didn't speak hit me HARD in the feels 😭 like i was so invested and i could feel myself getting frustrated at jay for what he said and wanting him to apologise but him backing out sijhqdwbask

that's just a few of my fav parts but i loved this fic SO MUCH !!!! it was an emotional rollercoaster and it simply made me fall for jay even harder 🥲 the characters (including the side characters, *cough* best boy jakey) were written so well and i felt like i truly knew their story, the ending was adorable and their first kiss/confession had my heart fluttering 🥰 overall a work of art mwah 💞

notoriously yours | jay park

✰ summary: jay park is a rich kid. it’s safe to say he has everything every broke college student on his campus could dream of and more. but the one thing he doesn’t have, which money definitely can’t buy, is a girlfriend. and his friends won’t see of it. literally.

so what happens when his friends bet him to date someone for more than three months? what happens when jay decides that fake-dating someone would be easier than actual dating (because god forbid Jay–the campus’ notoriously known fuckboy–decides to commit to something once in his life)?

and what happens when that someone is you, his childhood best friend he hasn’t spoken to in years..who has absolutely no interest in being in his life anymore?

✰ pairing: jay park x y/n [ft. members of enha]

✰ genre: fluff, comedy, angst | fakedating!au, college!au, childhoodbestfriends!au, (kinda) e2l!au

✰ warnings: cursing, nothing suggestive but jay's a fuckboy so slightly suggestive themes, mentions of parental neglect/leaving, it's hella long (and i thought my last fic was long)

✰ wc: 14.7k (how did i get it this long oh lord)

✰ author's note: picture creds go to original owners/editors! peep that edit of jay that lowkey inspired this entire fic 👀also this took me so, so long bc i lost motivation half way thru and bc college is a thing,,,so i honestly don't know how to feel abt it so pls bare with me :')))) ALSO the dividers are weird bc idk how to add more than 10 pics for the dividers so pls excuse those ٩(× ×)۶i hope u guys enjoy!! <333

⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺

Jay Park is a rich kid.

Jay Park has enough to buy every textbook he needs for his courses without having to look up the free versions online. Jay Park has enough to bribe his professors to let him pass every class with a perfect 4.0 GPA (but because the boy has morals, he doesn't). Jay Park has enough to afford a car to drive to his furthest class from his dorm building instead of walk or bike like every other college student, meaning he also has enough to afford a parking spot on campus (those things aren't cheap!).

Jay Park walks around your school's campus like he owns the place (and considering the amount of money his family has donated to the school, he practically does), looking like he just walked out of your local coffee shop's newest fashion magazine. His blonde hair is never seen untouched, his attire usually consisting of an undoubtedly high-end all-black fit, accessorized with multiple earrings and rings that probably cost more than all the overpriced textbooks you had to rent out this semester. It's safe to say that everyone knows Jay Park.

Bottom line is, Jay Park has everything.

Well, his friends beg to differ.

In their eyes, Jay Park has everything but a simple factor in the equation of love (or whatever love is to the minds of a couple of 19 year olds): commitment.

So yes, it's safe to say that everyone knows Jay Park. Because everyone knows he's the campus' rich fuckboy. (What's a college fanfic campus without one anyways?)

Jay doesn't go unreminded of this by his friends, to the boy's annoyance.

Jay is aware of this on a Sunday afternoon, in his dorm building's first floor lounge, where he and his said friends are having a study session.

They're doing anything but studying.

In fact, no one has any books out or anything. Not a single laptop in site.

"You don't think it's the slightly bit concerning?" Jake's words are muffled as he continues munching on the fried chicken that he spent majority of this study session debating if he should have it delivered through UberEats or not.

"I really don't, no," Jay shrugs as he continues mindlessly scrolling through his Instagram feed. They're having the same argument conversation that they've revisited multiple times over the course of their friendship, one that Jay has been lectured on too many times for his own good. He thinks his friends could become his new parents if they really tried.

"Look at it this way, okay. You're about to graduate college in a couple of years, into the big world. Like the actual, adult world. And that means you'll have to settle down. Which you can't do when you. have. no. commitment!" Jake punctuates each word with a single clap of his hands, desperate to get his point across.

Jay simply rolls his eyes. He looks over to Sunghoon, who's minding his own business, not bothered by the same topic he's heard over and over again. His eyes tell Jay you're on your own, in response to his blonde-haired friend's look of despair.

Jay thinks that maybe he should get new friends. Yes, that's the only solution here.

"My love life," Jay reaches across the table for a drumstick from the greasy tub seated in Jake's lap until Jake swats his hand away, "is none of your business. Also, ouch."

"Uh, it kinda is. Because of you and your reputation around campus, it kinda affects us, your best friends. How do you think we look, hanging out with the guy who's known to ghost every girl in existence after one night with them? No offense to you," Jake deadpans to him. Jay mentally reconsiders the term best friends.

Tough love. Jay tells himself it's tough love.

"Yes, because every girl totally hates Jake Sim, the teacher assistant of a physics class who volunteers at the pet shelter every Sunday and brings their pet golden retriever to campus every two weeks," Jay rolls his eyes at his Australian friend.

Jake sighs. "Okay, then I'm coming from a place of worry for you."

Jay groans. "Again, none of your business!" This doesn't stop Jake. He comes from good intentions, really, but Jay wants nothing more than to stuff the kid's mouth with some of that chicken to shut him up.

"What are you gonna do if one day you meet someone you like, genuinely like, and you screw yourself over because you've never been in an actual relationship before? A real, committed one. Like one that lasts at least three months."

"You don't think I can last three months in a relationship?" Jay questions the boy currently taunting him.

"Honestly? No. What's the longest relationship you've been in?" Jake cocks an eyebrow at his friend across from him.

One month and two weeks. But Jay's smart enough to not say that out loud.

"I can so last over three months," Jay mutters more to himself than Jake.

Jake laughs at that, pausing to take another bite of the drumstick in his hand. "Jay, I am willing to actually bet you. Bet that you wouldn't be able to." He leans back on the couch, the ball now in Jay's court.

Jay freezes, looking up from his phone, narrowing his eyes at Jake.

"Forget it, Jake. He's not gonna agree even if you offered him money," Sunghoon finally perches from beside him. Well he's not wrong. It's not like Jay is exactly in need of more money, per say.

"What kind of bet are we talking here?"

Sunghoon's right. Jay doesn't need the money, but he does hate being wrong. Even if it's over something as stupid as this matter.

Caught off guard by the blonde's answer, Jake blinks blankly at him and takes a second to think.

"Hmm..what about...what about if you can date someone for at least three months, and I mean an actual, committed relationship, then I'll do all of your physics homework next semester."

Jay's eyes sparkle at that. If there's anything he despises more than commitment, it's physics.

"And if I win, you have to buy all of my textbooks," Jake sits back from the edge of his seat with a smirk lying on his face.

Jay pauses to think about it. I mean, what does he have to lose? A couple hundred dollars over college textbooks? No. Because he just simply won't lose.

And maybe he'll learn what it'll be like to actually be in a committed relationship for once. Maybe he'll finally learn what it's like to actually devote yourself to someone, open up to them. He shivers at the thought. Never mind. He'll warm up to it. Baby steps.

Nonetheless, what could go wrong? Even if he does lose, at least his money would be going somewhere productive––towards his friend's education. Jay was probably gonna use that money on something useless like a blanket that resembles a tortilla (a burrito blanket, he calls it)––something he doesn't necessarily need, but must have, he would argue.

"Fine. Whatever, okay. Deal," he grabs Jake's extended hand in front of him and shakes on it.

Jake's impressively smiling at the boy as Sunghoon lets out a sigh, in disbelief with the two guys he calls his best friends.

Jay concludes that this will be easier than his Introduction to Photography 101 course he took his freshman year. How hard is it to find someone to date the Jay Park? Surely, everyone will be lining up once Jay switches his FaceBook relationship status from "it's complicated" to "single".

Turns out, it's not as easy as his class where all Jay had to do was take pictures of a pretty sunset, slap a VSCO filter on, and call it a day.

He comes to this realization on a Wednesday evening, as he's seated at one of the many study tables lined in the middle of the campus' library, staring down at his phone's dry iMessage app, with his laptop and blank sheets of scratch paper scrambled across the entire table, as an attempt to look half as studious as the other students studying in the facility.

Turns out, being known as the campus' fuckboy who ghosts every girl on campus isn't a good thing when it comes to wanting to find a real relationship.

He comes to this realization after failing to receive a single text back to the many ones he sent out throughout the first half of his day. The ghoster gets ghosted. Oh how the turn tables.

Jay groans dramatically as he tosses his phone on the hard surface of the table, earning himself a harsh shush from the librarian filing books in the aisle beside him.

He sheepishly smiles back as an apology, directing his attention back to his open laptop screen, where his untouched calculus homework stares back at him––his mind preoccupied with the looming threat of Jake's bet. Not that it was threatening in any way, per say, but Jay just hates losing. And from the looks of things, it's safe to say that Jay won't be celebrating any victories anytime soon.

Jay thinks he should just change his identity and just transfer to some boarding school in Switzerland. Yes, that's a much better solution than admitting defeat to Jake.

Jay sighs as he lies his head on the table, figuring he might as well just write the check for Jake's textbooks now. He wonders how he got here in the first place. Not how he got into the bet, and definitely not how he's sitting in the middle of the library, having yet to start his calculus homework due at 11:59PM tonight (he should really start that).

But no, he wonders how he gained the reputation as the campus' playboy. To be fair, his friends (mainly Jake), are constantly reminding him of his notorious habits. But how did they come a habit in the first place?

The idea of being in a relationship is nice, sure, but the commitment that comes with it? The idea of being dependent on someone? It's scary, vulnerable, and one that Jay can't picture for himself.

Maybe some people just aren't meant to be paired. Maybe some people, like Jay, like being independent and are meant to stay that way.

But Jay also likes affection. He likes the fleeting, warm feeling he gets every time he finds himself under someone's sheets. He likes the short-lived comfort he receives from someone else's touch, even though he knows it's going to cease to exist the second he steps out of those bedroom's doors. He just likes affection, simple as that.

That and he's a 19 year old teenage boy with needs, what did you expect?

And so what if he likes the idea of affection minus commitment? Is that so bad? Apparently it is, to people like his friends and the entirety of his school's campus, at least.

At this rate, he might as well pay someone to date him.

Wait. Jay lifts his head off the table's surface in realization.

He might as well pay someone to date him.

There's no harm in that, is there?

He wouldn't have to endure through an endless amount of dates to find someone he clicks with, then continue going on dates with said clicked person, all while trying to develop an actual, serious relationship.

He'll win the bet, get his physics homework done for an entire semester, and some lucky girl out there will be making profit for the small price of hanging out with Jay Park for three months.

And lucky for him, Jay knows the perfect candidate for this scheme.

Simple as that.

Just as long as said perfect candidate says yes.

And as long as Jake and Sunghoon don't find out. Or else Jay might really have to move to Switzerland after all.

You love your friends, you do.

Hana and Heeseung have been there for you when others haven't––they were by your side when you knew no one entering high school, and they were still by your side when you were all graduating said high school. Needless to say, you're eternally grateful for friends like them.

But right now, in this moment––with you seated in the middle of the campus' library, trying to write your essay, as your two friends blabber on and on about the most recent gossip across from you––your two friends could be your villain origin story.

But again, you love your friends, you do. So you don't have the heart to tell them to leave. You've managed to naturally tune out most of the conversation, anyways, for this––your friends coming to hang out while you're trying to study––is no rare occurrence by any means.

"Oh yeah, Jay Park texted me last night."

You hate how your brain's filter suddenly turns off at Hana's words.

You hate how your ears catch the sudden mention of Jay Park's name.

You hate how the thought of Jay Park gets to even occupy a single brain cell of yours.

You hate how you even know who Jay Park is. Well, knew.

Past tense. Because up until eighth grade––when Jay decided to just suddenly pretend you didn't exist––he was attached to you like a koala to a eucalyptus tree.

And if you had asked past Y/N, ideally, Jay would've never left your side. Ideally, he would've never left you to fend for yourself when entering high school. Ideally, he would've stayed your best friend through out all four years of high school and ideally, you would've eventually told him how you really felt about him after growing up with him all your life. And maybe it would've lead to a completely different story. But for the sake of this fic, we don't live in an ideal world.

So yes, if it wasn't for his attendance at the very same university as you, you would've forgotten about the boy who brought you the painful memories of your childhood.

And since the universe clearly doesn't work in your favor, avoiding Jay Park's existence like he's the plague would have to suffice. And it works.

For the most part.

Until some people, bring him up uninvited into your conversation. Like now, for example.

"When was the last time you guys talked anyways?" Heeseung mindlessly asks as he reaches across the table to grab one of the many snacks you usually bring to your study sessions.

"Uh..like a few weeks ago. Give or take. Whenever you threw your house party. Can't say there was much talking involved however," she teasingly says with a giggle and wiggle of her brows.

Heeseung's rolling his eyes as you scoff and chuck a nearby crumpled piece of paper that was once one of your many essay drafts at her.

She bats it away right as it's about to hit her face as she laughs. "Doesn't matter anyways. He ghosted me the next morning, as he does with everyone else. Telling you this now," she extends a finger right at you, "stay away from Jay Park. That kid's just bad news."

You nod in response, mentally telling her she has nothing to worry about.

Been there, done that.

College. Ah yes, the very concept of spending four years of your life imprisoned on a campus where you'll be tearing your hair out from stress and spending all your life's savings just for a laminated sheet of paper with a golden stamp at the end of it all. We live in a society.

Because of said college, and all the weight that comes along with it, you had adapted a strict daily schedule in order to not completely lose your mind. It's a simple schedule really, one of a typical college student who's just trying to get by everyday with as little mental breakdowns as possible.

Wake up, get ready, go to class, go to the library to do your homework, walk all the way across campus to get back to your dorm, shower, then sleep. Oh and eat, of course. And maybe if time permits, be an actual social being and socialize.

It's gotten you this far into the college life without dropping out so, you conclude, you must be doing something right.

Sometimes, if you're feeling nice to yourself, you'll tweak the schedule a bit to fit in some exceptions. Maybe squeeze in a little trip to the bubble tea shop that's on the other side of campus, or maybe get dinner at that one dining hall that you don't usually go to because of the unncessarily long lines (but because they serve ice cream, you go anyways). It doesn't matter what the exception is, you still plan it out to fit into your schedule somehow. Everything is planned out.

Sometimes, however, the universe disagrees with your schedule, to your demise. Such as today, for example.

Because what you didn't expect for today was for a particular blonde-haired boy who you haven't spoken to in almost six years (but who's counting?) to approach your table in the library––a table you were sure no one could find you at, as it was quietly tucked away in the back corner, right next to the Astrophysics shelves. Because who browses the Astrophysics aisle for fun? Actually, maybe Jake Sim would. Anyways.

You definitely didn't anticipate a visit from the boy you've been actively avoiding, so you definitely didn't expect the first words coming out of his mouth when he sees you for the first time in six years to be:

"Fake date me."

You blink up at him.

Yeah, definitely not expected.

But you only let it phase you for a split second, until you feel a slight annoyance beginning to bubble up deep inside of you.

"Wow, hello to you too Jay! It's been what––half a decade? Yeah I've been pretty good, thanks for asking!" The sarcasm is practically dripping off your tongue.

You don't know what runs through Jay's mind, but apparently it isn't common sense––or the ability to read the room. Because next thing you know, he's sliding the chair across from you out from underneath the table and making himself at home.

And he's smiling right at you.

Curse him and his smile.

But no, you're not giving into it.

Not yet, at least.

"What do you want?" You deadpan at him when he makes no sign of making the next move.

"A girlfriend," he deadpans right back at you, as if he was casually telling you what he wanted for dinner. As if you two were close-knit friends that could approach one another without any proper greeting. As if you two had kept your friendship all these years. As if you two even had a role in each other's lives.

"Can't help you there," you scoff, deciding to not even question his lack of manners on top of his uninvited presence.

"Aren't you gonna ask me why?"

"Well gee, seeing that the first few words you decided to say to my face for the first time in forever were a demand, a demand to date you no less, then....no," your monotone voice says as you keep your eyes focused on your laptop screen, not daring to look at the boy across from you.

In the Introduction to Sociology course you took your freshmen year, you had learned of one important term: interactional vandalism. Textbook definition being: "ignoring signals of disinterest in a conversation, leading it to an offense."

Your definition being: "are you oblivious or just plan dumb, read the room!"

This was interactional vandalism, alright. Whether Jay's truly oblivious or just trying to annoy you until your head explodes (it's really the former, but you're convinced it's the latter), he takes your signals of disinterest and tosses it right out of his head to continue the conversation.

"I'm stuck in this stupid bet with Jake--do you remember him? He bet me that I couldn't date someone for more than three months and I figured having someone fake date me would be easier than actually dating someone, right? That's where you come into the equation," he proposes as he leans back in his chair, as if he had just finished a sales pitch to a prospective customer looking to buy a car.

You couldn't believe this. You're 98% sure this has got to be a prank. You're mentally preparing for a camera crew to jump out from in-between the library's aisles any moment now and scream into your ears that you've just been punk'd!

The remaining 2% of you, however, wouldn't put it past the two boys to get themselves in such a situation. The last memory you had of Jay and his friends were pretty much their childish selves back in middle school. And by looking at the current scene unfolding in front of you...it's needless to say they haven't changed much.

"Again, can't help you there. Ask one of the many girlfriends I thought you had." Ouch.

"But Y/N, you've known me all your life--"

"Up until you dropped me a few years ago but sure, let's call it that."

"--and convincing other people is gonna make me look--"

"--desperate? Yeah."

"C'mon, Y/N. What do you have to lose anyways?"

"Uh..my dignity? Pride? Self-respect? Sorry Jay, not happening," you turn your attention back to your unwritten essay in front of you, mentally checking out of this conversation. This would be a good time for that camera crew to jump out now.

"Look, no one else is gonna do it, Y/N." Jay has always been stubborn, you suppose. But so are you.

"Yeah, because you've managed to push every being of the opposite gender away from you. You gave yourself this reputation in the first place," you give it to him straight. It's not like you had a relationship with him to uphold anyways––Jay himself broke that friendship years ago.

Jay hates that you're right.

You're always right. He remembers how he used to always go to you for advice and clarity on the world's biggest problems. Granted, the world's biggest problems to him at the time equated to what he should dress up as for the fifth grade Halloween party, but still. A tough decision, for the mind of a ten-year-old.

You abruptly stop typing and begin putting your laptop and textbooks away as you huff in frustration. There's no point in trying to get your work done now. The longer you stay arguing with Jay, the bigger your headache gets. The longer he continues to occupy any part of your brain, the bigger your headache gets.

Getting up from your seat, packed and ready to slam your head into your pillow, you turn to the blonde one last time.

"Look Jay. We went on our separate ways years ago. If you weren't so notoriously known around campus and my friends would stop talking about you, I would've long forgotten you. I'm sorry you're in this situation, really. If I were you, I'd just tell Jake I can't do it. Or don't, I can't tell you what to do. Just don't get some innocent girl involved in whatever stunt of yours this is."

Jay stares at you, mouth agape, as you find your way out of the library and through the main doors. By the time he comes back to his senses, he realizes how he looks plain stupid––standing in the middle of the library, the look on his face screaming befuddlement, to say the least. Jay quickly makes his way out of the building, in hopes of convincing you one last time.

Jay catches sight of your figure already half-way down the walkway that connects the library to the main quad of your school's campus. Geez, you walk fast.

Not fast enough to outrun Jay's legs, however. If Jay running after you through the middle of campus in order to convince you to fake date him doesn't show how desperate he is to win this bet, I don't know what will.

"Wait, Y/N!"

You groan to yourself before turning to face the boy who can't seem to take a hint and leave you alone. You stare at his out-of-breath state as he heaves up and down from the slight jog he had to endure to get to where you are. If you're humored by him chasing after you, you do a good job of hiding it.

He meets your unimpressed state before stating his final proposition: "I'll pay you. Five hundred dollars."

You nearly stop breathing.

Now this catches your attention––after all, you're but a broke college student who's just trying to survive. And preferably not by feeding yourself instant ramen cups every night.

And so, naturally, you begin rethinking about the opportunity presented in front of you. You narrow your eyes at the boy as you weigh your options.

The first problem being, it's Jay Park––the bane of your very existence. You spent the last few years of your life pretending he didn't exist...for good reason. Not only did he do you dirty when you were merely a couple of 13-year-olds, but you just didn't want to be involved with someone like him. Someone known for his nature, someone who left your own current best friend ghosted. And not that Hana herself would care, for she has called herself the "female Jay Park", but you're sure this would be breaking some rule in the girl code handbook. Plus, if you agree to this, you'd be betraying 13-year-old Y/N, the one who decided to never speak to nor think of Jay Park again––which by now you've failed, but you get the gist.

Second problem being, three months is a long time. Three months is practically the rest of this semester, and did you really want to spend the rest of the semester tied down to the label of being Jay Park's girlfriend? There would have to be some negative connotations that came along with that title, right? No offense to Jay, but being his first girlfriend since, what, high school could make you come off as..naive, for lack of a better term. As if the only person you could settle for was Jay Park. As if you barely had any standards for yourself. Again, no offense to Jay.

Needless to say, if your school's debate club had to argue on why you shouldn't be doing this, you're sure the negating side could win with these two reasons alone.

But before you're rejecting the boy currently standing in front of you one last time, you find yourself mentally listing rebuttals.

First of all, you'd be getting paid. And again, you're merely but a college student living the stereotypical broke college student life––burdened by the costs of tuition, textbooks, and midnight McDonalds runs for when you're out of aforementioned instant ramen cups. Five hundred dollars could provide you with more than enough chicken McNuggets to last you the semester, and maybe some more to treat yourself to an online shopping spree.

Second of all, it's not like you were going to do anything better with your next three months anyways. It's safe to say you were too busy being a diligent student to actually look for anyone to date, per say. And if anything, having a fake boyfriend might actually be helpful in your case. Your mom would be off your ass about how you're still single, for one. And two, your friends (though it's really just Heeseung) would stop trying to hook you up on blind dates with guys that you would choose Jay Park over any day (and that really says something).

Third of all, it's Jay Park. As much as you despise the kid, you still know him. He's not a complete stranger to you, no matter how much you try to deny it. It could be worse, it could be a complete rando asking you to date him. At least you two have some sort of history, which would take care of the typical small talk and getting to know each other bit of this equation. And truth be told, you'd be lying to yourself if you said you weren't a tad bit satisfied by the fact that Jay chose you, of all people, to pull off this stunt with him. You don't know if it's the nostalgia of your childhood memories rushing back to you, but it reminds you of the endless schemes you two used to plan behind your parents' backs all the time. Granted, your childhood schemes––such as the both of you faking sickness so you could skip school together––don't even fall close to being in a fake relationship with one another, but still. It's the thought that counts.

All of those reasons plus, Jay isn't the worst to look at. He may have a spoiled reputation, but at least he has his looks going for him, you'll give him that (you're still secretly wondering when and how did he get his glow up, but don't tell him that).

And so by the guidelines of a college student's logic that states the pros outweigh the cons, you come to the overarching conclusion that maybe, this won't be so awful after all.

"Five hundred?" You ask, just for clarification. Jay's immediately nodding at your words. You continue to ponder on your thoughts as he stares at you hopefully.

The silent atmosphere of your campus heightens the tension so much, you swear you're in one of those overdramatic pausing scenes that occur too many times in k-dramas.

You sigh, then nod.

"Okay," you're internally praying that you won't regret this decision. "I'm in."

The next time you see Jay is at 12:17PM on a Friday afternoon, as you're exiting the doors of the lecture building that's home to your awfully long Capitalism in the Western World class.

You're going down the steps of the building, mentally deciding where and what you're going to treat yourself to for lunch––as the three hour lecture you had just attended drained all the life and energy out of you––when you hear the slight call of your name.

Turning to the source, you're met with a waving Jay, leaning against the passenger's side of his car, parked in front of the lecture hall building you were currently leaving.

Great.

You walk over to where he's casually waiting––he's unaware of all the stares he's attracted from fellow students leaving the same lecture as you. Can you blame them? It's not everyday you see a sleek, black BMW that probably cost more than your tuition pull up in front of your Friday afternoon lecture. It's not everyday you see Jay Park waiting for anyone outside of his said sleek, black BMW that probably cost more than your tuition.

"Hi," you simply let out as you plant yourself in front of him, not sure whether or not to question him why are you here? Surely, he wasn't waiting for you?

"Hi," he smiles down at you. There's a beat of silence. "I was waiting for you."

Bingo.

"Oh. What are you, my chauffeur?" You raise an eyebrow, unimpressed.

"Maybe. I am your boyfriend, after all," he says into the air, loud and clear, as if he wanted people to hear. Well that is the point, you suppose.

But still, all you want to do is smack the smirk right off his face.

Before you have time to put your next question into words, he answers it for you.

"I'm taking you out for lunch," he declares as if you have nothing else planned for the day. Well, to be fair, you didn't have anything else planned for the day. Except for your usual library run. But you figure the library could wait.

"Oh, like on a date?" You raise your eyebrows teasingly at him as you get into the car, Jay holding the door wide open for you. "Is Jay Park treating me to lunch as a date?"

Jay fights the scowl (or is that a smile?) growing on his face as he bends down to meet your eye level from inside the car. "Don't flatter yourself, princess. We've got fake lives to live."

"Call me princess one more time and you won't have a real life to live," you flash him a sarcastic smile and slam the door in his face.

Jay meets his own shocked reflection on the passenger's side window.

Cute.

"When you said you were taking me out to lunch, I expected like...I don't know...the diner on campus. Not whatever this is," you mutter to Jay as the two of you are brought to your table by a waitress at an upscale sushi restaurant, one that is undoubtedly out of your usual budget, but for sure an upgrade from your dining hall's pizza you were planning to have. You should've figured as much, the drive here was a little more than out of the way from campus, and who are you kidding, it's Jay Park you're eating with.

You stare down at your current outfit, which consisted of a hoodie you've owned since your junior year of high school and leggings that you threw on without second thought this morning––because you didn't exactly wake up and decide I'm going to go to a fancy sushi bar for lunch today!

"Why are we here anyways?" You ask him when you're both settled in your seats and the waitress walks away after listing the chef's specials for the day.

"Oh, they have killer dragon rolls here, you have to try it," Jay tells you nonchalantly as his eyes rake the menu in front of him, blocking your view of him.

How dense can one be? Your hand snatches his menu as you stare into his unamused eyes.

"No, Jay. I mean, why are we here? It's not like anyone's around to see us put on a show anyways."

"Oh. I figured," Jay's quick to grab the menu back from out of your hands as he continues, "that we should sit down and establish how exactly we're going to deliver this performance. After all, you're stuck with me for the next three months."

Again, smacking the smirk currently resting on his face would satisfy you beyond relief. Just once.

"If I drop out halfway through, do I still get $250?" You tease, leaning back.

"Ha ha. Funny. No," he narrows his eyes at you from across the table. "It's all or nothing."

You dramatically huff to make a show just for his annoyance.

"Worth a try. But sure, let's solidify this. What's the game plan?" You sit up in your seat, leaning over the table as if the two of you were hosting a secret meeting.

"It's simple really," Jay mirrors your actions, face leaning in close to where yours is hovering over the table. "Just pretend to be deeply in love with me for three months, and try not to actually be charmed by my cunning looks."

If someone gave you five dollars for every time you've already rolled your eyes at him today, you wouldn't even need to be in this deal for the five hundred dollars.

"Wow, smooth. Can I just remind you you're the one paying a girl to be in a fake relationship with you because you're just not competent enough to find an actual girlfriend?" You lean back, arms crossing over your figure.

Jay, unfazed, laughs, tongue briefly hitting the inside of his cheek. "Touché."

Your eyes go back to the menu in front of you as a silence falls over the table. Because you're not a loaded trust fund baby who comes to fancy five-star sushi restaurants for lunch on a daily, you don't recognize half of the entree names on the menu. You spot the dragon roll Jay suggested, but seeing that a basic California roll is less expensive, your natural broke-college-student-instincts figure the California roll shall do.

"Okay, in all seriousness," Jay begins as he puts his menu down. "It's simple really. We'll just go on weekly dates and post cute pictures of each other once in a while and a little after three months, I'll just say it didn't work out. I'll give you the five hundo and boom, we move on with our lives."

It's clear Jay's put some thought into this. Safe to say he's put more effort planning this out than the amount of work he's been putting into his classes. Someone's got their priorities straight.

You're impressed to say the least––you figured Jay would just be the kind to go with the flow and wait for the situation to unfold on its own and maybe blow up into flames. But seeing as he was just as serious about winning this bet as you were with making five hundred dollars, your doubts about this entire situation were slowly withering away.

Don't get it wrong, though, you still despise him. To an extent, at least.

"And don't worry about the dates. I'll pay on your behalf, as the loving, doting boyfriend I am," Jay finishes with a wide, cheesy smile you can't help but return a growing smile back at.

"Well then, as the loving, doting girlfriend I am, I shall gift you coffee, breakfast, all that fun couple stuff, whenever you please. Or maybe unannounced, if I'm feeling nice," you figure you should pitch in as much if he's paying for all your dates. And deep down, you find the idea kinda cute. But don't tell anyone that.

"Wow, look at us. We should become Dispatch's couple of the year already!" Jay exclaims, earning himself a small giggle from you, which pleases him to say the least. He thinks that maybe when this is all over, he'll hopefully make a good friend (well, for the second time) out of it.

And you're thinking that maybe the next three months won't be as bad as you initially had thought.

As the two of you delve deep into a debate about who would be the better significant other to each other, the waitress comes over to take your orders.

And because you're laughing and Jay's brightly smiling at you from across the table, you order the dragon roll.

The second time Jay takes you out––this time he gives you a heads up to get ready––it's at a, once again, high-class steakhouse.

The third time, you insist on the on-campus diner that's popular amongst the student population. Partially because you feel bad for the amount of money he's spent on you (even though he couldn't care less), but mostly because if you have to put on another fancy dress to just eat an overpriced meal that doesn't even fully satisfy your hunger, you might lose your mind.

And by this third time, Jake is aware of this newly blossomed relationship.

"Three dates! I didn't know you had it in you, going on three dates with the same girl!" Jake excitedly exclaims as he jumps into the empty spot on Jay's dorm bed and shoves his phone's screen into Jay's face.

The smaller screen displays Jay's most recent Instagram post: an image of you sitting behind your too-small-to-be-this-expensive-steak and smiling right into Jay's camera––a memory that brings a smile to his face:

~ ~ ~

"C'mon! We said Instagram posts would be a part of the deal! How else can we convince people we're dating?" A pout rests on Jay's face as he stares at you from across the table in the middle of the extravagantly decorated restaurant he picked out for your second date. You remember your eyes bulging out of their own sockets when you saw the "$$$$$" rating Yelp gave the place when you searched it up earlier.

"Okay, okay! One picture," you give in, already slightly annoyed that you were here instead of the comfort of your own bed, where you could be rewatching your favorite Netflix show for the third time. But because you made a deal and because you're desperate for money, you had to follow through––so here you were.

You flash an unconvincing smile to Jay's camera, which doesn't satisfy him, to say the least. "At least pretend you're somewhat enjoying this date," he frowns at you.

You sigh, until a thought crosses your mind and a smile grows on your face. "Only if you get me boba afterwards."

He narrows his eyes at you, but then meets your smile. "Sure, whatever you want. But only because I've been craving some mango milk tea lately."

"You're a fruit milk tea kind of guy? Sorry, but I might have to fake break-up with you," you tease as you take a sip of your overpriced drink to go with your overpriced meal.

Jay scoffs, feigning hurt by placing his hand over his heart. "Ouch. But before you break up with me, let me get this Instagram post in."

"Wow. Your priorities are so straight," you roll your eyes at him, eliciting a cheeky smile from him as he watches you through his held up phone screen.

"3,2,1."

"Hey, I wasn't ready! That was like mid-laugh!" You reach over the table to grab the phone, but not quick enough for him to put his phone back into his pants' pocket.

"Nope, nuh uh," he laughs as you quickly sit back down into your seat, not wanting to cause a scene in an establishment as proper as this one.

"It's fine. It's a good picture, you look cute," he casually lets out, unaware of the blush rising to the surface of your cheeks, thanks to the fact that you were suddenly interested in playing with the left-over food on your plate.

"Jay! Delete it, I'll let you take another one," you whine from your seat, imagining just how bad a candid picture of you could be.

"Ugh, fine. Ever so picky." He playfully rolls his eyes at you as he takes his phone out and opens the camera app as you prepare yourself.

"Okay, how's this?" Jay turns the phone screen to you after he takes a few snaps on his phone.

"I approve," you grin at him as he goes through the pictures himself, unaware of the smile growing on his face.

"Okay now delete the first one," you point your finger at him, narrowing your eyes at him.

"Okay, okay! Bossy," he laughs as he raises in hands in surrender.

When Jay gets home that night, he recovers the image from his Recently Deleted folder, telling himself it's for the sake of the memory.

Obviously.

~ ~ ~

"It's not that big of a deal," Jay mutters from his spot as his eyes go from the Instagram post to his Exile and Belonging in Modern Literature reading that's due tomorrow, bright yellow highlighter in hand. Typically, you'd find the reading buried deep at the bottom of his school backpack. But because Jay ran into you this morning and because he complained to you about the amount of work he's fallen behind on and because you had threatened him to do his work or else you're not going on another date––a fake date that is––with him, he figured he should at least get one reading done and annotated, despite his strong dislike for highlighters (they hurt his eyes, okay?)

What he doesn't know, however, is how your threat was completely full of bluff––but don't tell him that.

"It is so a big deal, for you at least!" Jake hops off the bed and lands on the wooden floors of Jay's dorm room so hard, Jay winces and sends a mental apology to the poor person who lives below him.

Jake suddenly gasps. "I have to meet her, Jay! As your best friend, it's practically mandatory that I meet her."

Jay opens his mouth to protest, but not before Jake interrupts him once again. "Oh! We can bring Sunghoon too, it'll be so fun! The best friends meet the girlfriend."

Jay can't think of anything worst. Jay imagines that bringing you to meet his best friends would just intimidate you out of dating him––fake dating him, that is. Obviously.

He stares at his friend in agony then back at the reading in front of him––the one Jake said he'd come over to help annotate, but the intention completely left Jake's head the second he heard about Jay's recent dating life.

"You don't have to meet her," Jay says pointedly. "Plus, you already know her."

Jake frowns at his friend's excuse. "Yeah, but that was in middle school! This is different."

Jay's hands shuffle through the reading's pages in front of him as he realizes there's no way the two of them are going to finish the assignment at this point. He supposes he'll have to save death by blindness from highlighters for another day and hope you still agree to go out with him.

Jake suddenly gasps in realization.

"Oh my gosh! Childhood best friends turned college sweethearts," Jake says so dreamily, he might as well plaster heart eyes on. Hopeless romantic, this one.

Before Jay can argue, the piercing sound of three loud knocks echo through the small room, followed with a:

"Jay, are you in? It's me!"

Jay stills at the sound of your sweet voice. He whips his head to Jake, who is also frozen in place.

But the widened-eye boy is quick to come to his senses––unfortunately quicker than Jay himself––because the next thing Jay knows, Jake's eyes are lighting up and he's running to the door, ignoring Jay's screaming whispers through this seething teeth that were somewhere along the lines of Jake––stop, I swear to god if you open that door I'm gonna fucking--

"Y/N!" Jake swings the door wide open, revealing an overly excited him and a frozen Jay half-way to the door, as if he was about to grab the very boy welcoming you in. It's as if we're living in a Sims game and the player clicked pause on this very moment.

Jake's eyes are wildly going back and forth between you and your supposed boyfriend, as if he was waiting for Jay to run over and smother you in hugs and kisses...or something couple-y like that. Jay wouldn't know.

"Uh––hi," you're awkwardly standing inside the room now, a relatively large paper brown bag resting in your palms as you look around for a surface to place it on. Jay makes his way to you without a second thought, quickly taking the bag out of your hold.

"You seemed stressed out earlier, so I figured I could bring you some food as a little pick me up. I didn't know what you liked, so I kinda just got a little of everything from the dining hall. Nothing fancy," you're rambling, but smiling so excitedly at him, Jay doesn't know what to say.

Instead, his mouth slightly drops open as he stares at you in awe, mostly because he's not used to being on the receiving end of such spontaneously generous actions––all while Jake's still excitedly looking back and forth between the two of you, as if he was expecting a marriage proposal to come next.

"Oh wow. Thank you. Really," Jay, still touched by your simple act of kindness, softly says as he places the bag on the limited amount of empty space on his desk surface––the rest of it is covered with his untouched textbooks and unfinished assignments. He wonders if you did this out of playing your role or just because you wanted to. He internally hopes it's the latter. "Seriously, you didn't have to do."

"Nah, don't worry. I wanted to," you shrug with such a genuine smile that Jay realizes he actually missed your smile.

Despite having seen you during your brief run-in this morning when you were fetching your morning coffee, Jay realizes he missed you. The two of you haven't been seeing each other recently because of your busy schedule and if Jay didn't realize it before, he's now sure he missed your company and presence around.

Weird.

"Well, you two have fun! Sunghoon needs me for something," Jake suddenly chirps from his place near the front door, halfway through with putting his shoes on already, breaking the comforting silence that fell between the two of you.

Jay frowns. "But you said you were free all da––"

"SUNGHOON IS CALLING BYE!" And before Jay can even register what's happening, Jake's out the door without another word.

"Er..sorry about him, he's...weird," Jay scratches the back of his neck as he returns to his spot on his bed, mentally setting a reminder to yell at Jake later for leaving the two of you alone. Jay doesn't know exactly why, but he's nervous at the fact that you're here in his room. It's not like you two are complete strangers––or whatever you guys were before––anymore. "Good job on your part, though. How'd you know Jake was here?"

"Oh uh, I didn't"," you let out an awkward laugh. "I just felt like doing it."

Heat rushes to Jay's cheeks and he's not sure 1) what this newfound feeling is and 2) how to respond, yet again.

Having expecting you to leave after dropping the food off, Jay's taken by surprise when you take your shoes off and come over to his bed to look at the pile of work he's spread out.

"Is this everything you have to do?" You question the stressed-out boy as you flip through the various assignments, readings, and essays he put off in the past week.

"More or less," he groans. This is no rare occurrence by any means––Jay being behind in his work––but this time, Jay realizes he may actually be in deep shit, considering he has no idea where to begin.

Right as Jay's expecting a scolding from you, he looks up to meet a look of sympathy on your face. "Well, I mean, I'm pretty much done with my day. I can try to help, I recognize some of these readings from last semester."

Jay thinks to himself that the universe has sent him an angel through the form of you.

"Really? Wow, you were't kidding when you said you'd be a good girlfriend," he sends you a surprised look.

"I'm just being nice, Jay. A concept I'm sure you're not familiar with," you remark back at him, causing his forming smile to grow into a laugh.

"I can too be nice! Need I remind you of who's paying you $500, covering all of our dates AND giving you rides to class everyday?" He remarks pointedly at you, a teasing look resting in his eyes as you're reminded of the first of many times he's come to pick you up before class:

~ ~ ~

You're late.

This never happens.

But then again, your life's been a series of unexpected occurrences lately. Such as the fact that you're currently known as Jay Park's girlfriend, for one.

You're scrambling out of bed once you take one look at your phone and realize shit, you're already late for class. Throwing on whatever articles of clothing your eyes land on first, you're already mentally groaning at the fact that you'll have to skip breakfast and run across your campus to get to said class.

Curse your professor for hosting her lecture at the furthest possible building away from your dorm. Curse the architect who decided to make your campus so large.

You're running down the steps outside of your dorm building's doors when you're abruptly stopped by a familiar sounding cough. You look up from trying to gather all your belongings together at once to meet the gaze of the source of the sound––Jay.

"Wow, you're a mess," he smirks as he gets up from the spot on his car he was leaning against to make his way over to you.

"Gee, thanks! Good morning to you too," you flash him a sarcastic smile before your default frown quickly makes it way back onto your face.

"Aren't you gonna ask me why I'm here?" He grins as he grabs hold of your backpack to sling it across his own back as the two of you walk towards his car.

"Why are you here, Jay?" you sigh, your sarcastic tone hard to miss.

"To give you a ride to class, of course!" He's beaming at you, as if he's a pre-pubescent teen who just won their first girlfriend a prize from the arcade's claw machine.

Oh. That explains the car, you figure. Deep down inside, you're relieved that you'll no longer be bursting through the lecture hall's doors as a sweaty mess––a result of having to run across campus to get to class.

Determined to not let your satisfaction completely show, you resort with a little smile directed towards Jay as he opens the passenger door for you.

The second your enter Jay's car, the strong scent of coffee hits you, and your attention is targeted at the two small cups of coffee sitting in the cupholders of the car.

"Breakfast?" Jay asks as he enters through the driver's side and reaches into the backseat to whip out a small pastry bag. A small, deliciously smelling, pastry bag.

Okay, well. You suppose you could drop the annoyed act now.

Your eyes widen with joy as you grab the bag from him and open it to reveal your favorite breakfast sandwich. He's been taking notes, you'll give him that point.

"Okay, you win. Thank you," you grace him with a soft smile before taking a bite into the glorious gift in your hands.

"Of course, I was just feeling nice," he grins at you as he starts his car. "But don't get used to it." His tone is serious, but his smile directed towards you says differently.

And the fact that he still showed up to drive you to class the next morning.

And the next.

~ ~ ~

"And need I remind you who has to date your dumb ass for the $500 in question?" Your eyes narrow at the boy who can't seem to get that damn smile off his face.

Jay sticks his tongue out at you, ending the conversation. Really Jay? What are you, five? Well, mentally––probably.

You're looking around his minuscule dorm room for a place to sit down, and Jay can't help but feel embarrassed now that you're here, in his messy single studio room that pretty much reflects how Jay treats every other responsibility of his oh so hard life: neglected.

"Uh...here, you can sit on my bed," Jay immediately offers as he moves to the side to make room for your presence––and it isn't much, considering the university only provided him a twin XL bed which is definitely not built for two grown college-aged kids.

If you told yourself a few weeks ago that you'd be shoulder to shoulder on a bed belonging to the guy you cringed at the very thought of, you wouldn't have believed yourself. You wouldn't have believed yourself if you said you were actually glad Jay let you stay instead of kicking you out after delivering the food. Huh.

Weird.

"You know, this kinda reminds me of when we were kids. I always carried us through those horrible multiplication tests in the fifth grade," you wink at him as you settle in the spot next to him, hands grabbing hold of the papers in his lap.

Jay let out a laugh, nudging your shoulder with his. "Hey! The twelve times table is hard, okay?"

You roll your eyes at him––a habit of yours he's noticed whenever the two of you are together, but more recently, he thinks it's been more out of fun than annoyance.

He wonders why.

When Jay had first brought up the idea of bringing you as his date to his father's company dinner, you had expected a fairly fancy five-star restaurant with a formal dress code––for you've become accustomed to Jay's lifestyle. Turns out, your expectations can continue to be exceeded. Because what you had expected to be a simple dinner with a few other business men and women turned out to be an entire party, hosted in a hotel whose interior resembled something close to a castle (Or what you assume a castle looks like, as you've never personally been into a castle yourself, but this hotel is close enough).

Your eyes sparkle at the extravagant columns and diamond chandeliers hanging high above you, and Jay smiles at the expression on your face; like a little girl being brought to the amusement park for the first time ever.

"Wow, this is...wow," you mutter as you drink in the scene in front of you: people dressed in formal attire likewise to yours and Jay's, mingling and drinking what you imagine to be beverages that cost more than your entire life's worth.

Jay laughs from behind you, "Yeah the company goes a little...extra when it comes to these company dinners."

You scoff as you look up at him. "Oh really, you don't say?" You look around and you're suddenly aware of the many people surrounding the two of you and the attention you've acquired ever since entering the building.

"Jay, people are staring." You shuffle closer to him, your voice lowering down to a whisper.

"Well, it's not everyday the son of the company's CEO brings his girlfriend with him, so...looks like we'll be the talk of the party tonight. Smiles on," he winks at you, and you just know he's loving the attention the two of you are receiving right now.

"Jay Park? Is that you?" You hear a warm voice call out from behind the two of you.

The two of you turn around to meet the owner of the voice, a middle-aged woman dressed in an evening gown that matches the pattern of high-end brands you've been recognizing ever since arriving.

"Mrs. Lee! It's so nice seeing you again," Jay cheerily addresses the woman as the two of you bow in greeting.

You internally giggle at the thought of your Jay being so picture-perfect in the eyes of his father's co-workers.

"This is Y/N," he continues, his hand finding its way to your back, protectively resting it there as you go to introduce yourself. "My girlfriend."

You swear you feel goosebumps rise from where he's lightly touching you, and more so when he introduces you as his girlfriend.

You tell yourself it's just your nerves. Yes, that's it, you're just nervous. I mean, you're in a room filled with people who could easily pay off all your college loans with just a snap of their fingers, who wouldn't be nervous? Right? Right.

"Y/N! It's a pleasure to finally meet you, I've heard so much about you!" Mrs. Lee excitedly exclaims as you turn to Jay with a slightly confused look plastered on your face. He mirrors your expression as he shrugs, moving to stand behind you completely, bringing his hands to rest lowly at your hips.

His hands feel like feathers on the thin fabric of your evening gown, so light, so delicate, as if he's unsure if he's crossing a line. It leaves you wanting more, wanting to naturally lean against him and his warmth. You quick to shake the thought of your head as Mrs. Lee chirps up again.

"Jay's father is always talking about how you've been keeping Jay pleasantly busy nowadays! Good thing too, about time this poor boy settle down for someone as beautiful as you," the woman rambles on as you feel a blush creep up on your cheeks at the thought of Jay talking about you to his dad. If only they knew.

"We should probably go find our seats, I think the dinner is beginning soon," Jay says from behind you, saving the two of you from having to listen to Mrs. Lee's story of how she's known Jay ever since he was five years old and seeing him grow into this mature, loving, young man is so amazing. Oh look! I have baby pictures.

Yeah, he was more so saving himself from embarrassment.

The two of you bid your goodbyes before Jay gently uses the hand on your back to maneuver you through the crowd of socializing business moguls.

"She's not wrong, you know," you feel Jay dip his head so he's speaking near your ear, his warm breath tickling your earlobe, as the two of you make your way through the large foyer room.

"Hm?" You hum in question, turning your head up just enough to be able to make eye contact with him as he responds to your look of confusion.

"You look beautiful tonight," he says, eye contact not breaking once. You freeze in your steps.

You stare back at him in silence. Oh.

Your mind is panicking as it flips through your mental book of responses, unsure of what to say back. But because your mind is cloudy from staring at a put-together Jay in a dark navy suit to match your dress (mixed with the nervous butterflies in your stomach––have they always been there?), the only sound that's able to leave your lips is the small stutter of a:

"Huh?"

Wow Y/N, you had one job. A simple "thank you" could've sufficed! And you went with "Huh"?

You felt like a fifth grader who just learned from a friend of a friend of a friend that their crush likes them back.

"U-um. Mrs. Lee. What she said about you. You look good, really," somehow your nervousness made its way over to Jay now––his eyes flickering from yours to anywhere, anything, else in the room––the awkward tension growing tenfold each second.

Goddamnit Y/N, this is just Jay you're talking to, get a grip.

You're knocked back into reality when he slightly nudges your back to continue making your way to the main ball room, where the dinner is being held.

"Is that a compliment from the Jay Park?" Your smirk can't be seen by Jay, since he's still trailing behind you, but he can definitely hear it through your tone.

"Don't make me take it back," he chuckles, his words felt against your neck, leaving behind a tingly sensation you're not sure why you're feeling. You're glad he's behind you, so he isn't able to see the blush creeping onto your face for the second time tonight.

Jay gives a small nod to the people behind the check-in desk stationed at the entrance as the two of you waltz right into a large ball room lined with countless circular dining tables. So much for a small business dinner.

As the two of you approach one of the tables placed at the front of the room, you notice a familiar figure seated next to the seats reserved for you and Jay.

"Y/N!" Jake exclaims as he gets up from his seat to greet the both of you. "I'm so glad you made it, Jay was so excited to bring you tonight. Deadass would not stop talking about it."

Jay lets out a noise that falls somewhere between a cough and a goose being strangled, his widened eyes warning his talkative friend to just shut up. He's silently cursing the company for always seating his and Jake's family at the same table for these events.

"Aw, is that so? He's lucky he's cute or else I wouldn't have agreed," you grin, winking at your assumed boyfriend sitting next to you.

"Hey, YOU were the one excited to come! I recall a certain someone's face lighting up when I suggested we go shopping for tonight," Jay immediately retorts.

"Only because you were buying," you giggle, causing Jake to laugh as well.

"Damn, Jay. Tough," Jake jokingly adds as you laugh alongside him. The scowl sitting on Jay's face expresses the opposite of what he's feeling right now: warmth filling him up from the sound of your laughter and the image of you getting along so well with his best friend.

"I'm gonna get us some drinks, you two have fun making fun of me," Jay narrows his eyes at the two of you as he gets up from his seat. You bid him off with a smile before turning back to Jake.

"No but really though, this boy would not stop talking about you coming tonight. Then again, he doesn't really ever stop talking about you," Jake nonchalantly says, not knowing how much he was exposing his friend to you right now.

You raise an eyebrow up in response, "Oh really?"

"Seriously! I don't know what you did to him, Y/N, but this Jay I've been seeing recently is new. He complains a lot less about life nowadays, especially on the days he sees you," he leans back in his chair as his comment brings a smile to your face. Little does he know.

You stretch your neck up to find the boy in question and spot him right as he's returning to your shared table, two drinks in hand. You lock eyes with him from across the room and without a second thought, you're giving him a genuine smile that he's immediately returning.

Your heart beats faster at the view.

You wonder why.

It's 3:07AM when you hear the first ding.

You're not 100% sure as of why you're awake at this hour on a Tuesday night––perhaps a combination of your restless thoughts and feelings not letting you sleep plus the typical stress that comes hand-in-hand with the life of a college student.

It's 3:09AM when you hear the second ding, and you brush it off, assuming it was just Heeseung spamming you with memes again––something he does often when he also can't sleep (you found this out the hard way).

It's still 3:09AM when you hear the third ding, and at 3:10AM , you finally reach over and decide to acknowledge the being who's bothering you at this godforsaken hour.

Jay [3:07AM]: Y/N

Jay [3:09AM]: hi

Jay [3:09AM]: r u awake rn

Y/N [3:10AM]: unfortunately so

Y/N [3:11AM]: why are you up

Jay [3:11AM]: come outside

Y/N [3:13AM: jay it's 3am

Jay [3:13AM]: ye and? don't tell me ur a college student with a curfew

Jay [3:14AM]: plus im alrdy waiting for u outside so u have no choice

Jay [3:15AM]: :)

You groan at your bright phone screen currently illuminating your dark dorm room.

You ponder the consequences you may have to suffer tomorrow if you stay up any later than you already have. But considering the fact that you're probably just going to stay awake lying in bed for god knows how long anyways, why not?

(And you would like to point out that this decision has nothing to do with the fact that you haven't seen Jay in a few days and that maybe a tiny, tiny, tiny, part of you may have missed his presence. Nothing.)

And since that logic is obviously valid (you really gotta work on justifying your life choices), you're suddenly grabbing a hoodie from your closet and hoping it'll be enough to keep you, who's merely in an old band t-shirt from high-school and pajama shorts, warm.

The breeze hits your skin the second you open the doors to your dorm's building, and you're met with the view of Jay's sleek, black BMW that probably costs more than your tuition. He waves at you from the driver's seat, motioning for you to get in.

"To what do I owe you the pleasure at this hour," you deadpan at him with a stone-cold voice as you enter through the passenger's side door, hoping your tone was enough to hide the fact that you're giddy at the fact he invited you out at 3AM in the morning. Like a high-school girl sneaking out of her house to meet up with her bad-boy boyfriend that her parents dislike.

The second you enter his car, you're instantly comforted by the warm air blasting through his vents and his playlist softly playing in the background. Jay's pajama pants and messy hair give you more than enough information to know that he probably just rolled out of his own bed as well. You don't know why, but your view: Jay in his oversized hoodie with his unkept hair in front of your dorm building at 3AM on a Tuesday night, gives you comfort in weird ways you can't explain even if you tried.

But it's obviously just your cloudy, 3AM mind not thinking straight. Obviously.

"When I can't sleep, I go on drives around campus. It helps clear my mind," he says, looking over at you to give you a quick smile before starting his car. "Plus, SnapMap said you were still awake, so...figured you'd wanna join."

"Oh so what, you're my stalker now? You're not driving to the woods to kill me now, are you?" You tease, an eyebrow brought up. Jay lets out a laugh from beside you as he begins to drive further into your campus.

"Guess you'll just have to wait and see," he throws you a wink before reverting his gaze back to the road, mindlessly driving to wherever the road decides to take him.

A comfortable silence falls in between the two of you as Jay continues to drive endless routes around your campus. You look over to the boy driving next to you and take in his features––you don't know what changed, but you no longer feel the same anger or annoyance bubbling within you when you're around him. You're not sure when this changed, but you figure it's just the effect of desensitization. After all, you've been spending so much time with him, you're bound to get used to it. Right?

"Why were you up?" Jay finally asks after a few minutes of just the two of you silently basking in each other's presences.

"Ah, you know. The usual. Endless thoughts running through my mind, stress from school, nothing new," you sign, giving him a soft smile followed with a shrug.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

You answer him with silence as you search your head for the answer.

"I don't know. This is kinda weird, isn't it?" You don't know why you get a sudden surge of confidence, but before you can stop yourself, you find yourself rambling on. "If you had told me a month ago that I'd be here driving around with you when it's nearly 4AM, I would've laughed in your face."

Jay doesn't know whether to laugh or scoff. "Is the idea of hanging out with me that unappealing to you?"

You give him a serious look back. "I mean, up until a month ago when you needed me for whatever this game is, you literally pretended I didn't exist."

Oh. Awkward.

You freeze at your own words, mentally screaming at yourself for letting the words leave your mouth. Why, why, why.

"Y/N..." Jay says after clearing his throat after a few seconds of silence.

"No it's fine, it was a joke," you awkwardly cough and direct your attention to anything else around you right now. The view of your campus' buildings zooming by. The clicking of Jay's blinker when he switches lanes. The quiet roaring of his car's engine. The nervous tapping of his fingers against the steering wheel.

The rest of the ride is excruciatingly silent as he exits the main road and into an empty parking lot of some administration building made out of glass that has too many floors for you to count.

You don't know why you feel your heart beating in your throat as Jay puts the car into park––why you feel uneasy. You slightly turn towards him in your seat, hoping to pick up any sign of well...anything from him.

You don't know why you feel a twinge of guilt––it's not like what you said was necessarily wrong. If you were being honest, you were slightly bothered by how the two of you seemed to silently agree not to mention your past all this time. You were always one to seek answers, to seek closure. You couldn't help but bring it up––Jay was your best friend during those years. For him to just wake up one day and pretend you were nothing to him hurt you, and you couldn't help but still wonder what in the world you did to initiate his actions.

"I'm sor–" You're interrupted with his timid voice, as if he was almost afraid to speak.

"I'm not good with people." He's nibbling on his bottom lip, fingers nervously picking at a spot on the steering wheel.

You're opening and closing your mouth, unsure how to respond. You're 100% positive you look like a fish right now. Good for you.

"I don't know why. Jake calls it commitment issues but in order to have commitment, people have to stay in my life. And people just...don't. They're all bound to leave at some point. So what's the point of putting in effort into relationships if they're just going to leave you at the end?"

You're stunned by his sudden confession, not having been prepared for such a heavy topic to arise between the two of you. Up until tonight, your interactions had always been light-hearted and easy––you guys got along well. You didn't know this is how he felt all along.

But you knew where he was coming from.

You knew what Jay had gone through as a child––his mother having left him and his dad when he was young. You remember when your parents had told you the news at the young age of 13, and you remember the pain and sorrow you felt for your then friend. All you wanted to do was go to him and comfort him, but he had already cut you out from his life by then.

"Or maybe I'm the problem. My dad barely acknowledges my existence because he thinks giving me an allowance is all the parenting I need, my friends probably only stick around because they feel bad for me, you wouldn't even be here if it weren't for the bet, and, fuck, I'm literally known as the campus' fuckboy," Jay continues, falling deeper and deeper into the hole he dug himself.

He hates this, he hates opening up and feeling vulnerable, so he doesn't know why he's doing it now. He doesn't know why he feels comfortable voicing out his fears and worries when he's around you. But he does know it's a new feeling––one he doesn't know how to deal with.

"Jay," you lace your voice with as much comfort as you can provide. None of this is his fault, you want to tell him. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry? You didn't do anything," he says with a hint of bitterness and you can't tell if it's directed towards you or the topic at hand.

You're completely turned in your seat now to face him––despite the fact that he refuses to meet your gaze, afraid that looking at you is gonna bring out the most vulnerable in him. "You can talk to me. Talking about it makes it a lot easier. I'll always be here for you, as a friend."

Jay doesn't know what it is or why, but something in him snaps at the sound of a certain word falling out of your lips. Friend. Friend.

Friends don't make his heart beat nervously whenever he's around them. Friends don't keep him up at 3AM in the morning, pondering about his feelings for them. Friends don't provide him with this new, warm comfort he's become accustomed to whenever he's around you.

Deep down, Jay knows you didn't mean to add fuel to the fire. But because he's strong-headed, stubborn, and hates how vulnerable he feels next to you, he unleashes his emotions without thinking about the destruction coming along.

"It's none of your business, Y/N. Forget I said anything. You're just a toy for this stupid game and when it's all over we can go back to our own lives and forget this ever happened."

His sudden words cut deep, but they hurt him more than you. The second the words tumble out of his mouth, he's hit with the feeling of instant regret washing over him, and the lump forming in his throat restricts him from finding the right words to take them back.

The silence that falls between the two of you this time is different. It's a cold silence. A loud silence.

Jay feels his walls coming back up around him––the ones you managed to get through––and all he wants to do is apologize but he's terrified. Terrified of seeing your reaction, terrified of losing you again. For the second time.

You tell yourself he doesn't mean it. You tell yourself that he's just enduring more pain that one should ever receive.

But you also tell yourself that this wouldn't be the first time Jay leaves you in the dust.

You tell yourself that you're foolish for ever believing a friendship, or more, could come out of this act at the end. That you're so naive for feeling those stupid, stupid butterflies you've started to notice in your stomach whenever you see, or even think of, him.

"Okay," you begin with a firm tone. You're hurt, but you refuse to show it. You won't let him hurt you for a second time. Not again.

"Just...find me when you need me. As your fake girlfriend or just...me. I'm still here for you," is the last thing you say before un-clicking your seatbelt and leaving his car, beginning your walk back to your dorm hall.

Jay is unsure about many things in life. He's unsure about what he wants to do in the future, he's unsure of where he's going to settle in life, heck, he's unsure about what to have for lunch tomorrow. But he's sure about one thing.

That he's wearing his heart on his sleeve right now, and it's all because of you.

That you've become this new lifeline and he has to choose between holding onto you or drowning.

When Jay wakes up the next morning, his first gut instinct is to get ready to pick you up for class. But today's different. Jay doesn't know where the two of you stand now, especially after last night.

Jay doesn't know how to deal with this combination of unknown emotions he's been feeling lately. They didn't come out of no where, by any means, he realizes. They've been slowly growing over the past month of seeing you so often––like a plant he's been watering overtime, not expecting it to bloom into a flower so suddenly––but he figured it was nothing more than just enjoying the company of a friend.

Until he realizes that the term friend just doesn't suite you anymore––not to him, at least. And that scares him. It scares him that you've made him genuinely smile more in this past month than he ever has in his 19 years of living. It scares him that when he's around you he can't comprehend his own thoughts, his feelings. It scares him that you make him vulnerable, that you've changed him. That you've managed to make the walls that he's spent so long building and polishing to crumble with a simple tap of your finger.

In a perfect world, Jay would have already told you all this––he would be unafraid of how you would react, unafraid of your rejection, unafraid of losing this growing relationship with you. But alas, we don't live in a perfect world. And so when Jay drives to class that day, he drives right past your dorm building.

"Where's Y/N?" is the first thing Jake questions when he enters Jay's car that morning, confused by your absence, having been used to you being in the front seat every morning when Jay goes to give Jake rides to class as well.

"I don't know," Jay mutters, unemotional eyes focused on the road in front of him, not interested in continuing a conversation that involves thinking about you.

Jake hesitates as curiosity gets the best of him. "Did you guys get into a fight or something?"

Jay's hands tighten around the steering wheel of his car. "Or something. Let's just leave it at that."

There are a few beats of silence before Jake speaks up again.

"Well, I guess this works out because I wanted to talk to you about something."

Jay continues to stare straight ahead of him, focusing on just trying to get by without mentally beating himself up at the simple thought of you.

The simple thought of you and your smile. Your witty remarks. Your stupid eye rolls. Your laughter. Your kindness. So much for not thinking about you.

"I'm calling it off," Jake's words catch Jay off guard.

"Huh? Calling what off?"

"The bet. I'm calling it off. I don't care about the textbook fees I'll have to pay next semester. Look, fight or not, you and Y/N are good for each other, everyone can see it. And I really don't want this to end up being one of those messed up teen TV shows where the girlfriend finds out the entire relationship was based off of a stupid game and then they break up and the boyfriend falls into eternal sadness and regret. And I don't wanna see you sad, dude. So yeah! Congrats," although he's admitting defeat, Jake's beaming widely, just content with the fact that his best friend has finally found happiness through the form of you. "You win."

But Jay feels like the opposite of a winner. Because even though his only intention coming into this was simply winning the bet, his life isn't as simple as it was a month ago. Because he discovered something much more valuable than some stupid textbook fees or five hundred dollars or getting his physics homework done for an entire semester.

Something he's scared he's already lost.

You.

⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺

The next time you see Jay is at the same time and place as when he first ever appeared to pick you up––at 12:17PM on a Friday afternoon, as you're exiting the doors of the lecture building home to your awfully long Capitalism in World History class. This time, however it's different.

Because this time, it's one month later, and Jay Park is no longer a forgotten side character in the story of your life. This time, you're frustrated because it's been three days since you've last heard from Jay. And because it's been three days since you've last heard from him, you can't focus on anything else, and because you can't focus on anything else, you're falling behind on every other aspect in your life. Jay's somehow managed to become the center of your life without even having to be present.

Well, up until now. Up until you go down the steps of your lecture hall's entrance and look up to be met with a figure leaning on a car you're far too familiar with. You freeze in your steps as you make eye contact with the boy you've been thinking about non-stop for the past month three days.

Your mind tells you to walk away, to just follow your flight instinct instead of fight, to just go back to your normal life. But here's the thing. Ever since Jay's made his way back to your life, it's been far from normal.

And if you're being honest, you had no interest in going back to your normal life. Normal's overrated anyways. You find your legs bringing yourself over to him, your heart leading the way.

"Hi," you simply say, planting yourself right in front of him.

"Hi."

"What are you doing here?" You already know the answer, but you want to hear him say it.

"Waiting for you," Jay doesn't hesitate in answering you. This time will be different, he tells himself.

"I can walk myself home, thanks," you state, but your actions tell differently, as you make no sign of moving from your spot in front of him.

Jay's mind contemplates telling you everything. About how he regrets that friendship-breaking decision he made that one fateful day in the eighth grade, about his true feelings, about how he first suspected these feelings when he was 11 years old and saw you in your fancy get-up for the sixth grade dance but put it off as a little crush, and about how the same feelings grew into something so, so much more in the present. But seeing that putting all these thoughts into words would involve more than one functioning brain cell (which is all he's convinced he has in the moment, for the view of you staring up at him, looking like that, has his brain short-circuiting), he settles with:

"He called it off. It's over. The bet."

"Oh."

Silence.

Okay, Jay. This is your chance. Say it.

"Is that it?" You lift an eyebrow, awaiting for more explanation. When it doesn't come, you slightly nod and start backing away. "I'll see you around then."

Is that it? Do the two of you just go back to your respective lives now? How can Jay do that, when he doesn't even recall what his life was like before you entered it––and especially when he has absolutely no interest in going back to that life?

Fuck it.

"Y/N!" He stands up straight, a newfound confidence taking over. This time will be different, he tells himself. Because now, he knows what he wants. For sure.

You turn towards him, to see him already making his way towards you, stopping in his steps when he finds himself close enough to you that he can't concentrate anymore.

"I'm sorry for ditching you in the eighth grade. I'm sorry for ignoring you since then. I'm sorry for dragging you into this stupid mess and for pushing you away and I'm sorry for calling you a toy. Because it's far from truth. I like you. A lot. And––and I'm scared. I'm scared of what this means for us, because I just keep messing things up and all I know is that I don't wanna wake up tomorrow and realize you're not in my life anymore and––"

"Woah, woah, Jay. Slow down," you look up at him, the corners of your lips threatening to curve up into a smile. "You're an idiot, you know."

Jay's never really confessed his feelings to anyone before, per say, so he doesn't really know what to expect. But he's watched enough Netflix rom-coms in this lifetime (which is still not that many) to know that hearing the words "you're an idiot" isn't what you're supposed to hear after pouring your heart and soul out. Surely not, right?

"I––I'm not sure how to respond to that," he quietly says, searching your eyes for a sign, for anything. You giggle at his sudden shyness as you grab both his arms and look at him right in the eyes.

"It's okay. I get it, if anything, I'm also scared. But you somehow got me wrapped around your stupid finger, and I hate it," you smirk at him, your hands slowly making their way up his arms to circle around his neck.

Jay's hands naturally fall at your waist as he lets out a breathe he didn't even know he was holding as he returns your smirk. "Well, I could say the same about you. And I also hate it, for your information."

"Hmm, is that so? I guess it cancels out then, right?" You smile at him as he's pulling you in so close, your head turns cloudy.

Jay grins at you, his eyes holding so much joy and endearment as they quickly flicker down to your lips before returning to your own eyes. "I guess this only means one thing then."

"Mm, and what's that?"

And before Jay can answer––and because your life's been anything but normal lately––you make the first move this time, moving your head up to close the small gap between the two of you.

His arms instinctively tighten around you as you capture his lips with your very own, and Jay swears he's about to lift off into space right now. He's on cloud nine, and he makes no plans to touch the ground ever again.

The kiss quickly becomes fervent, all the pent-up tension that the two of you had for one another finally finding its way out, all the words that were previously left unsaid finally expressing themselves. You don't even care if you're being judged by the conservative faculty members of your school right now, or by the looks of fellow students walking past the two of you.

You try your best to keep yourself from smiling as he continues to press his lips against yours, his hand moving to hold your chin, guiding your mouth with his.

Before he finds himself getting carried away, you step back to take a breath, resting your forehead against his chest as his hands rest against your back. He smiles at the sound of you giggling against him.

Jay takes a step back to take one look at you and realizes, in this moment, that change can be good. And he's willing to undergo this change. As long as it's with you.

⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺

The next morning, you bounce down the steps of your dorm building's entrance to meet the wide, bright smile of your ex-childhood-bestfriend-turned-fake-boyfriend-turned-real-boyfriend waiting for you in front of his car, small pastry bag in hand. You smile back at him.

Jay drives you to class that day.

And everyday after that.

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ :

✰ let me know what you think! if u made it til the end, mwah :') <3

[medusamyra-blog]

Helloooo! I’ve (finally) filled out the talk tag post to give you guys some info on my version of Medusa! Please let me know if you have any questions about her, or if you’d like to plot! I’m definitely looking for a roommate or two, as well as any other connection under the sun (especially for fellow New Olympians). Let’s get this party started! (Well...it’s been started...for awhile now...I am very late...but for ME it’s a very new party, okay?)

Also I might have made some assumptions here as far as our characters go, so if you see something wonky please tell me

BASICS

full name: Myra Shirin Bahl

The name is commonly associated with the Latin word, myyrh: a bitter resin extracted from a small, thorny plant. Though many bitter things might make you pucker when they first touch your tongue, they are often proven to be very useful, such as in medicinal herbs, or flavoring fine wine. And as they say, many beautiful, wonderful things are known to be protected by thorns. 

any nicknames?: As a child she went by Mimi. She doesn’t use that name anymore. Though she hears some of the folk at Old Olympus call her Medusa behind her back.

age: 25. a quarter of a century, oh no!

birthday/zodiac sign: August 19th, 1992. Leo. A fiery lioness filled with passion. 

height: 5′-6:

any tattoos, piercings?: Though she has done a lot of breaking boundaries and exploring new options for herself, piercings and tattoos have been a little too permanent for her to take the plunge on. Besides a single piercing in each of her ears, her skin remains undecorated for the time being. Though she considers it from time to time, she still wonders if she’ll ever be able to reconnect with her family and her old self, and something like a tattoo is just a little too much of a commitment for the time being. 

FAVORITES

sound: Ocean waves softly kissing the shore ( she sleeps with a soft noise machine when the other apartment tenants are particularly loud )

color: Dusty lilacs and calming blue hues. The color of a clear, cloudless sky. And deep, royal purple ( not just for the matriarchal implications )

person: A multitude of faces rush through her head--her mother, her father, her brother, her ex-lover, her ex-best-friend--before she reminds herself they can’t be her favorite anymore. She has to be her own favorite person now.

memory: It’s hard to pick a favorite memory when so many of the people she shared them with no longer see her in the same light. Every good moment becomes a cherished memory in hindsight. They appear in flashes: peeling carrots with her mother, sharing lighthearted conversation about how men were helpless in the kitchen. Walking down the street as a young girl, holding her father’s hand and feeling so safe, like nothing in the world could touch her with her impenetrable father there to protect her. 

place: Gritty, warm sand beneath her toes, the hot sun on her back, the cool water at her feet. Specifically, the beaches home in Los Angeles (especially Malibu). New York beaches just can’t compare, though when she’s desperate for some sun she’ll use them as a placeholder.

vice: Warm lips on her neck, rough hands on her skin. She never expected to be the type to fall for such carnal pleasures, but once she got a taste, it was an urge that always came back to haunt her. Though it has never been as fulfilling as the first time, with the woman she’d loved, she loved the feeling of another person on top of her. 

HAVE THEY EVER…

…been in love?

Luli had been the most beautiful woman she’d ever seen. At first, Myra wasn’t sure if she wanted to be with her or simply wanted to be her. Soon, the question answered itself. She never thought she would want a woman in such a primitive way, nor a romantic way, but Luli changed Myra’s perspective on just about everything. It was passionate and warm and enlightening and thriving and everything Myra had never thought she’d wanted, or needed. It was the most wonderful and thrilling feeling she’d ever experienced--

even if it didn’t last. 

…done drugs?

When she’d first gotten involved with Olympus, still new to the big city. There were so many new opportunities for her here that hadn’t existed back home, and she wanted to try everything. Nothing too dangerous, but she’ll never forget the bubbling excitement of her first joint. There had been a naive air about her that both made people protective of her, and also made people want to push things on her, but she stood her ground. She wanted to enjoy her newfound freedom, but within reason, and she certainly wasn’t about to ruin her new life by getting hooked on something bad.  

…killed someone?

Not by choice. Everything that night had gone wrong. It was her first year on transportation and things weren’t going as smoothly as everyone expected them to. It was her or them and she panicked. She did what she had to do, but the first time she took someone else’s life was the hardest, even if it was for her own safety.

…betrayed someone’s trust?

Despite the age difference, Victoria had been her best friend. She’d been the first person Myra had connected with in New York, and Myra had crawled under her wing and adopted her as her mentor, whether she’d initially wanted it or not. Victoria was her secret keeper, the first person she’d told about her life back in California, what she had fled from and what she had fled to become. 

At first, it hadn’t felt like cheating. But then it did. And she knew it was wrong. And she didn’t put a stop to it until it was too late. In the end, she isn’t sure which loss was worst: her lover or her best friend.

…had their heart broken?

If love was the best feeling in the world, heartbreak was the worst. It had teared her to shreds, ripped her apart after every attempt at glueing herself back together again. What it also did, however, was harden her: make her strong, impervious, impenetrable. Just like the myth of a broken bone healing stronger than before, her broken heart and broken soul came back ten times stronger after that, and she swore she would never let it break again.

…lost someone?

Never by death, but unattainable by the weight of her own actions. Not lost, but simply impossible to find as they once were..

DO THEY…

have any pets?: This is technically TBD since I don’t know who her roommates are yet, but in my head she has two small pet (land) turtles, named after women’s rights activists Susan B. Anthony and Lucretia Mott (“Susie and Lucy”)

have a family they still talk to?: No. Sometimes she wishes she could, but she feels it’s just too late. Even if she were to contact them, she would probably have to change back into who she was--into Mimi--and she’s just not willing to do that.

have a best friend?: It used to be Victoria, back when she first touched down in NYC.  Someone she could tell anything to, confess her deepest fears and biggest secrets. Well, she left out one particularly large secret, and their best-friendship was broken forever. (Who is it now? Only time will tell)

want to get married and/or have kids?: It used to be a given that as a woman, she would settle down with a husband and pop out a few kids. Now that she’s breached so far past the Bahl Family Norm, she’s not so sure she could ever go back to that. Sure, after a stressful, dangerous day, she might think a normal, quiet life in a suburb with a family might be nice, but as far as she’s concerned, she’s too far gone to ever get that old little girl dream. 

want to leave?: Sometimes, but she’s already run away once before, and reinventing yourself certainly takes its toll on your identity. Everyone has hard days, where they want to leave their life behind and start somewhere new, but she doesn’t feel she’s been in New York long enough yet to call it quits. Not to mention, she would be letting down the other members of New Olympus, the people who took her in when she was still new to the city and had no place to go, and she wouldn’t let her own flight risk tendencies harm them in anyway..

THIS OR THAT?

phone call or text? T E X T. They’re straight-forward, to the point, and leave interpretation out of the equation. “Meet at 11:05 in the alley?” There’s nothing else to it. It’s quick and it’s efficient., and there’s no way for it to be construed 

wealth or loyalty? L O Y A L T Y. All the money in the world can’t buy you trust or friendship. Though she could really use the money, everyone needs at least one person they can trust in above all else. 

love or lust? L U S T. Love gets you nothing but heartbreak. It tears down your walls and pillages your heart like an invading army and it leaves nothing but ruin in its wake. Lust allows you “all the same perks” without the emotional investment and vulnerability. It is clearly the superior choice. 

5 Friends or 100 Acquaintances? 5 FRIENDS. True loyalty is hard to come by these days, and the less you know a person, the more dangerous to you they can be to you. 

summer or winter? S U M M E R! Having grown up in California, the New York winters are pretty bracing to her. Even if summer weather reminds her of home, she will never not love the sun.  

[dio-roga]

‘AskMarshandBroflovski’

Author/Artist:              jovishark Additional Credit:        puppetamateur Status:                         Complete Links:                           Tumblr Rec No:                        #2 (Part One)

The Gist of It (aka. TLDR)

‘Stan and Kyle go through a whole lot of shit during their last couple years of high school; with side-characters and sub-plots galore. Honestly dudes, it’s hard to summarize this one since it’s just so jam packed with all kinds of everything. This askblog, maybe more than anything else I’ve read, really does encapsulate that whole ‘something for everyone’ feeling. Just trust me my dudes, ships galore, on-point writing, and gorgeous art. Go go.”

Also putting this before the page break: I know, it’s technically not a Cryde work, but I guarantee, there’s more content between those two in there than in most exclusively cryde-centric things. For a bit of trivia, it was this blog that got me into Cryde as a ship to begin with. So c’mon below, and I’ll try and reassure you…

Also also: Fair warning, this rec’ll be long af. I’m a little obsessed. So, get yourself a drink or something?

Storytelling

So like I said in the gist, the premise is fairly simple from the outset; Stan and Kyle start up an askblog, and your usual mix of hilarity, drama and ‘will-they, wont-they’ romance ensues. Now I had read askblogs before this one, and generally found them a lot of fun, but holy shit− from the get-go dudes, from the absolute start, this one had its hooks in me like nothing else has ever quite managed before or since. I’d originally just come across it after seeing some of the Craig/Clyde panels on some google search one weekend; then before I knew it, it was Monday morning and I’d read the whole blog front to back, and was experiencing like, genuine feelings for the first time in a long while.

A lot of what snagged me was the writing, which I walked in totally not expecting to take my soul hostage the way it did. The dialogue I’ll talk about with the characters, but as far as the actual story elements were presented? It reads like a god damn mini-series, with actual self-contained story arcs, side-scenarios that mesh in with the A-plot and oh my sweet jesus, the world building in this thing… Seriously dudes, I normally try and stay more grounded in tropes and clever literary devices and what have you, but with this blog I have a lot of trouble not getting like, emotionally invested.

I think that really is what makes this one so special; the atmosphere. There’s this underlying theme of determination and overcoming adversity (mirroring the writing of the blog itself, if you read the authors notes throughout− something I’d defiantly recommend) It’s the sort of writing that genuinely inspires people, deals with difficult subject matter and just generally gives off a positive vibe about soldering on and making good on big life changes, and that includes everyone, of every age and background.

And therein lies another giant strength, the variety. I would think it a very difficult task for someone to not find something they enjoy in this story; it’s a god damn carnival ride− not to spoil too much, but there’s a wash of different genres, different dynamics, different methods of storytelling and different perspectives on those stories. There’s music, there’s action, audience-participation, and enough backstory and little details that I’m still picking up new things even after having read through multiple times.

And lastly, oh boy− pitchforks and torches at the ready –there’s the content between Craig and Clyde. Now I’m not going to sugarcoat it, or really bother trying to hide the fact that these two don’t wind up in a happy relationship here. But please, and I really do mean this, don’t let that dissuade you. They have a very complicated relationship that keeps changing throughout, but their bond never goes away− so just because it isn’t all kisses and romance, I’d say it’s still one of the most endearing relationships I’ve seen written about the two (hence why I’m sticking to my guns on calling this a cryde-recommendation). Honestly, and I can say this from experience here, it gels with how boys like that can end up acting at that age. Despite everything, they still wind up being the biggest player in each other’s lives.

Characters

There is just characters bursting at the seams here, if you’re a fan of someone in the show, you can bet they’ll probably make an appearance somewhere along the line; or at least get a mention. Even Scott Malkinson gets namedropped, and that’s the first time I’ve seen him show up in something I’ve read in this fandom in like, forever.

Stan and Kyle are great picks for the leads, it feels easy experiencing the events unfold from their perspectives− honestly, it’s like watching a more grown up version of the TV-show for the most part, with Cartman and Kenny filling in with their usual contributions of being an asshole and a sweetheart respectively. (I really do love the way Cartman’s handled; he plays a tremendous bastard to be sure, but in a way you could imagine his childhood-self becoming- he makes a delightfully hammy and worryingly formidable antagonist) Also features pretty much my favorite version of Wendy I’ve come across; she’s the real MVP.

Craig’s low-key stealing scenes at first, before kicking things into high-gear and trying to take over the show throughout the run, to the point where he’s pretty much the focal point of all the drama several times. He’s a bit of a mess, but understandably so. Truthfully, all the characters have a unique take on them (all in keeping with how you’d imagine their canon counterparts at that age) and it’s a delight to learn what makes them all tick. I think with Craig especially, his views often radically differ from what you’re presented with by the other characters (including Stan and Kyle) and it’s never written in a way that forces you to side with any particular party as being ‘in the right’. Something I always find refreshing when it’s done as well as it’s done here. Everyone is presented with both strengths and faults, with actual long-running consequences for past actions, good and bad, and it’s up to you as the reader to make what you will out of it.

But then you’ve got the dialogue, and my god, it really takes the cake. There’s not much I can say apart from I legitimately thought some scenes and mannerisms must have been penned by Trey himself− the humor especially. Truly guys, you’re in for a treat. I would have loved to have asked the boys a question back in the day.

Style

Since I’ve gone long on the writing, I have to pretty much devote this section to the artwork because it’s fucking magic. Picture paints a thousand words and all that, and my god, does it ever do that here− the way things are scripted and tied in with the respective art? It makes for all sorts of amazing comedic timing, adds tenfold to any of the emotional scenes and just makes the story flow like a dream; I always have trouble putting it down once I get started.

Jovi’s just an incredibly talented artist, there is simply no escaping this fact. Each and every character has a unique design that fits their character and− I realize this one’s super subjective –to me, they all have such charm and personality in the way they’re drawn. It’s this masterfully presented cartoon-style with an emphasis on expressions, movement and color that I honestly just adore. Even at the very start of the blog, where the art is almost entirely different than it winds up looking at the finishing point two years later, I just love it− again with a South Park comparison, it reminds me of the watching the early cardboard-cutout style of the show compared to its newer 3D designs, both holding a special place in my heart in their own ways.

It floors me to think this was the author’s first major project. As mentioned above, I’d greatly recommend reading through the blog in its entirety, including all the commentaries by the mods, the funny tags, the side-art. One of the most inspiring things about this work is getting a sense of the love and dedication that was put into it over the years it was running; like watching the behind-the-scenes on some giant motion epic and coming to terms with how much effort went into producing what you’re seeing. It’s practically another story itself, and no less heartening than with the boys and their trials and tribulations. Seriously dude, so much kudos.

Favorite Things

The content variety. There’s just so much to love here, things being kept fresh and exciting throughout the super long run-time of the blog without feeling disjointed, on top of managing a satisfying conclusion. There’s a lot of fun to be had, no half-measures.

The character dynamics are a treat. With such a big cast, there’s all sorts of different personalities playing off each other, with dynamic relationships that all manage to evolve and grow. Definite love given to proper character arcs.

Inspiring themes and feel-good moments really do make this a gem to read when you’re looking for a pick me up. The messages about dealing with depression and addiction, managing your health and fitness and even studying and making smart choices− all of them really hit home.

Relationships of all different types; one’s that work out, one’s that don’t, some being easy, some being hard, long ones, short ones, mistakes and awkward surprises. Romance is well and truly covered, and I like that it doesn’t shy away with the stuff that just doesn’t end well.

Some of the best artwork you’ll come across (and so utterly fitting of the material), drawn to such a quality standard and on such a short time-frame that it kinda makes my head spin. I’m now at the point that when I think about the characters, these versions are the ones that appear in my head.

It’s honestly a little embarrassing for me to talk about AMAB, and god knows it’s pretty presumptuous, y’know? New guy recommends beloved artwork that already attracted thousands of followers back in its day. I’m going to guess this’ll end up being the rec that I’ll have needed to have written the least− since like, all of you have probably already devoured the blog long before you learned about it here.

But you know? If anything, I hope this ends up reconfirming what an excellent choice it was for you to have read it. And as always with these review things, if the author should read this, I hope you know just how much what you’ve made affected me and countless others; how good you deserve to feel, and how proud the people in your life must be of you for doing something so important and worthwhile.

As usual, next post’ll be spoilers and artwork− and I’m just going to bury my head in the sand so hard because my artwork is garbage compared, but we’ll have to muddle through. Join me there for second hand embarrassment, okay?

[groundramon]

Homph I finished tri and I wrote down my thoughts as I was watching because I had too many funny shitposts and nobody to share them with bc charlie hasn’t watched tri yet

PS i wont be reblogging tri spoilers (besides MINOR stuff like, digivolutions of already confirmed digivolution lines or non-spoilery shitposts, but I’ll try to tag shitposts as #tri spoilers anyways [digivolutions specific to tri ill tag as well but not ones that were already basically confirmed]) for a while so ur safe here!  I’m just gonna like everything/most things because then I can rb em to hisyaryumon lmao (also u should check out hisyaryumon....its me n charlie’s digimon blog)

EP 1:

- ok. alright. ok. good. they’re dealing with kari’s emotions now instead of just. nothing.  ok. alright. cool.  Still dont like how obscure/”artsy” they’re being with it, this is digimon not kagerou project, but ok.

- Also. I stand by tk and kari being one of the few good straight ships in digimon.  just saying.

- kari: this is my fault... me: god damn it shut up you little brat also me: god relatable ALSO me: ill take whatever display of emotions i can get

- I love how nobody believes tai is dead like.  They’re upset and worried but they’re also like “nah. he cant be. that fucking asshole just left us in our time of need” (actually only matt is the last one)

- Gabumon i would die for you also im crying and I think that’s the first time tri managed to make me fucking CRY

EP 2:

- I had thoughts but then the 02 kids happened and I entered another plane of reality.  I don’t feel real right now

- the only one I can remember is evil!gennai being a dumbass and being like “SUFFER AND SQUIRM YOU PATHETIC HUMANS AS YOU FIGHT OVER THE LAST SEAT” 1. humans are KNOWN for their ability to care for others you dumb obvious fuck and 2. is. is the entire tube going? because that tube can fit too people if they squish.  This isn’t a joke I’m serious it can.

- oh yeah also when i saw whomstever the fuck his name is (adult guy who i love but fuck names) and he was all bloodied i was like “its a cold day in hell when i see blood in digimon” (I think there was blood in an earlier ep but shh idc)

EP 3:

- didn’t nishijima start off as a fucking life coach to these kids.  What the fuck he was supposed to help them find a career not emotionally scar them by bloodily dying in front of one of them

- im realizing that the reason hackmon was always in his cloak, in the shadows, standing still is that they cannot animate him in any normal position for the life of him.  I drew him with better anatomy when i was 14 and didn’t have a tablet.  No seriously, look:

I didn’t say it wasn’t bad, you guys are just underestimating how bad the anatomy on this poor creature is.  Why cant ppl draw dracomon or hackmon correctly imma cry

- ordinemon has the best reaction faces

the best part about these two screenshots is that they literally cut one to the other, first the first one to the second one and then it cuts back to the first one.  They were really proud of these stupid ass expressions.

- I started overcoming my dissociation shock from the second episode and my hypercritical mind was analyzing the shit out of everything that happened (it is Not happy) but then evil!gennai called kari and evil goddess and idk if he’s exaggerating to make her feel bad or if she’s literally a fucking god of chaos and destruction and either way im like

she did kinda like.  Watch wizardmon die, watch tai die, watch gatomon get absorbed.  The dark ocean is just a metaphor for depression and honestly if 02 wasn’t all over the fucking place I think Kari would’ve had some pretty decent development in it.  Actually you know what, I’m using that as an angle to approach Tri at now, wish me luck bc i might actually give it more leeway now

EP 4:

- I’m not dissociating but I forgot to say anything again and I already forgot what happened

- Cant believe mei is fucking dead

EP 5:

- I like to imagine that Tai got there like a few minutes ago, but he was like “well damn guess yall figured it out without me.  alright ill just. see if I need to do anything” and then meicoomon was Still Bad so he waited for when she struck just to make the most badass entrance possible.  Fucking extra ass bitch

- I forgot to write anything again but uhhh I wasn’t satisfied so anyways lets just get into the Juicy Details

Originally I was actually planning to be kinder to Tri than I expected.  Was very invested during it.  ‘Round the end of the last ep I realized hmmm no this isn’t working out.  Where are the 02 kids.  You should’ve brought them in to save the day.  That would’ve been SO cool and SO fun.  Fucking cowards.

god I’m kinda tired so I’m going to address a couple things I still had problems with, note that this isn’t everything it’s just everything I felt comfortable yelling about without rewatching past eps.  Like I forgot nishijima was all bloodied and presumably died in the last part until they brought it up and I was like “????” ALSO DID THE LADY WHO WAS HIS PARTNER OR W/E KILL HERSELF WITH THE GUN SHE FOUND, I JUST REALIZED LITERALLY AS I WAS TYPING THIS THAT SHE FOUND A GUN AND THEN I THINK IT CUT TO BLACK AND I’M

DID SHE FUCKING KILL HERSELF WHAT THE FUCK

anyways my problems:

1. They did joe. really dirty.  I’ll write a more proper rant on this sometime later (mostly bc charlie is MUCH better at talking about joe than I am) but basically I can tell you that his character development in the movies squandered his OG character development.  He’s basically an entirely different person.  Like Tri joe isn’t bad, besides being largely neglected (yes he has a whole half a movie to himself, no that doesn’t make up for it all), its just...not OG joe.  He’s a fine character just not the same character, and its NOT fine when you put the two together.

2. THEY DID THE 02 KIDS EVEN DIRTIER IM SO BITTER sorry you nostalgia-blind, money-hungry fucks at bandai, but the 02 cast is PART OF THE ADVENTURES UNIVERSE.  The only people who hate 02 are ones who like the characters but hate the mess of the storyline at the end, or are completely irrational and elitist about their love of the digimon series and would greatly re-evaluate their opinions if they watched the original series and 02 back to back.  They couldn’t even show them in some kind of group montage at the end??? Standing in the background when they call Mei???  Why couldn’t they call mei from a home phone also, but that’s a less important problem idc that much.  It was a cute scene besides the lack of 02 characters.  Whatever.  AND THE PROBLEM IS LIKE kari and tk?  This entire time???  Were like “oh they disappeared. oops” instead of being frantically searching for their lost friends???  Like i get tk and kari probably have fucking ptsd and can’t express any emotions because they watched important people die in front of their eyes at an incredibly young age but also 1. they didn’t address the ramifications of ptsd, so fuck that theory/excuse and 2. THAT??? WOULD ONLY MAKE THEM LOOK HARDER??? and put on a brave face as they look, but inside they’re so scared and so worried.  Not just “oh sweet, they were found/saved, theyre in the hospital but that’s fine” like WHAT theyre fucking assholes if that’s what they’d canonically do lmao.  God I am SO bitter over the ENTIRE thing with the 02 kids, it would’ve been BETTER if they were deleted from the fucking canon entirely.  Would I have still been bitter?  Yes.  But at least I wouldn’t be madder at TK and Kari too.

3. I stand 100% by the notion that Digimon is not and will never be cut out to be an adults’ franchise.  It wasn’t designed for adults, and it can’t be skewered towards adults.  These particular characters were designed for kids to relate to and find entertaining.  They do not work when placed into an adult setting.  Like, can you imagine a character like Ed from FMA going to the Digimon world?  I guess in a way that’s just Marcus but like.  Just imagine the FMA cast in Digimon Adventure.  It doesn’t work.  Digimon Tri is basically that except real.  Also Data Squad was darker than Adventure so my joke doesn’t even work.

I guess my primary point is that Tri isn’t mature enough of a setup for an adult audience.  It puts a focus on being “complex” and “philosophical” instead of working within Digimon’s constraints and making something good and adult out of that.  Like!  Digimon is a fucking TOY COMMERCIAL.  Don’t give me messages about the futility of human life.  I want bad puns and emotional characters.  That’s what Digimon has ALWAYS been, and ideally always will be.  Tri could’ve made itself more mature by dealing with the ramifications of the Digital World’s events, how it affected the kids psychologically and dealing with healing old scars.  It would’ve been a more mature take on a story we loved and would use things we loved about the story already - the fact that it took so much time exploring characters’ emotions and was surprisingly mature for the time - to make itself better.  You need to take the aspects that drew adults to the show and amplify them, not just slap on a complex story and unfunny dialogue and be like “oh this is fine, right?”

It’s not that Digimon can’t exist as an adult property, its just that if it repeats what Tri did, it’s got no merit and in my eyes the franchise is dead.  If it survives I guess I’ll be happy that people can still enjoy it but I find it unsustainable and unsatisfying to fans of the older series.  Tri is just a fuckfest of highly specific nostalgia that tries too hard to appeal to old fans without capturing what made the original series so magical, and in part thats because the original series WASN’T FOR ADULTS.  I don’t know about the Digimon Story games, bc they’re T-rated so perhaps they’re a better take on an adult Digimon story than Tri?  But you either need to make your own characters and lore specifically for an adult-oriented Digimon season, or perish.  Also, please make it a series and not a group of movies.  Getting four eps every 6-9 months was hell.

I stand by saying Appmon is a more faithful Digimon season than Tri to Digimon’s original spirit.  I believe it holds more potential for success than Tri and better embodies the spirit of the older Digimon seasons.  It’s dumb, its corny, it has horrible puns, but I LOVE it because it also has a deep dark story and emotional moments.  If you dislike Tri and you agree with things I said that make it unlikeable, I highly recommend giving Appmon a chance - if you watch a few episodes and think “oh yeah, I guess this is decent” you’re going to like it.  It’s everything Digimon has always been and hopefully always will be, just with a different concept.  And hopefully the end of the series doesn’t leave a sour taste in my mouth and I have to redact this statement haha since I’m not done with it yet, but I’ve heard good things about it so I’m hoping not so.

Overall, if you watch Tri, don’t get your hopes up.  It resolves everything okay-ish but it’s a pretty forgettable anime on its own and simply doesn’t work as part of the Digimon franchise.

I am, however, pretty interested in what evil!gennai said at the end about Diaboromon and Daemon.  It raises interesting questions about the timeline too.  We know Daemon is in the dark ocean, so perhaps that’s a hint at a future project?  (They did confirm a future project btw, in conjunction with tri being over)  But what about Diaboromon?  I dont believe that Our War Game (I think thats what its called?) took place after Tri, based on the outfits and ages and stuff, but I also don’t remember the movies that well.  Could Diaboromon still be out there too?  It’s interesting.

However, because of the lackluster performance of Tri, I don’t have my hopes up and I really hope that this “next project” goes in a different direction.  Although I guess if they include the 02 kids, I’ll be somewhat less salty...

Side note, did they ever explain why the gennais went evil?  Like ?  That’s a pretty important thing.  The gennais helped SAVE the human world in 02.  And I get that apparently Tri is ignoring 02′s ending but still.  It’s shitty, because Gennai was still a good guy in the original too (and also they cant just keep is younger look and act like 02 never happened)  MAYBE its something I missed but I dont think so.  God there’s just.  So much wrong with Tri.  I’m very displeased and very bitter and I wanna get back to Appmon asap.

It’s got good moments, its got bad moments, I dont know, I don’t care.  There’s nothing wrong with you if you like it, there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t, and there’s nothing wrong with you if you flip flop and are split like me.  I just wish Tri fulfilled its potential instead of becoming a boring mess.

[coalessscence]

HOW HAS YOUR CHARACTER DEVELOPED FROM THEIR ORIGINAL CONCEPT ?

IF YOU HAVE A CANON CHARACTER, answer in the sense of what made you want to play them, how you have come to interpret them differently -

(for both MIRA and HERB, who i consider to be my most well-developed OC and CANON muses, respectively) PART ONE. what thing(s) initially inspired your character ?

mira. i was inspired to create her as a character years ago, when the mentalist was still on tv. the seventh season had yet to air, and there were the usual spoilers of questionable validity going around. some blog wrote a “leaked spoiler” article about how they were going to have the seventh season of the show include an “intellectual equal for jane” and the people i knew in the fandom at that time were pretty unhappy about it, imagining how badly it could be handled, and the possibility of a forced love triangle that no one wanted. i decided to try and figure out what kind of character i wouldn’t mind having as that “intellectual equal” and ended up writing a fic about it- and thusly, mira was born. this is why her default full canon crossover verse is set in the post cbi world at the fbi in texas, and also why i arranged her backstory connections the way that i did at the time.

herb. the reason i decided to write herb came when i got sucked into wkrp in the first place. i had always known about it and liked it well enough, thanks to my parents, but hadn’t seen much of it or been very invested. i somehow ended up finding a channel on youtube with almost every episode posted in nearly uncropped sizes. of course, i began to binge the show, and although everyone on it are my children and i adore them all- herb is.... my type. he’s awful, he’s a jackass, he’s everything you’d love to hate, and in the early seasons he’s written like an antagonist sometimes. but he has a character arc- one of the more notable in the show (aside from bailey’s and venus’), he becomes less of a jackass over time. you learn about his childhood and you see the man who raised him, you see how he interacts with people, and how those ways change over time. and you realize there’s a lot more depth to this character than you thought. and for some reason, i just couldn’t leave that alone- i wanted to bring my problematic son to life.

PART TWO.  how has their personality developed from their first concept ?

mira. my initial concepts for her character were all terrible. i won’t go into great detail about them, but i hadn’t done my research or thought anything through that well. i was probably about fourteen. it was not a good thing. however, the fic universe went through remakes and updates, and i kept updating and adjusting her universe and character as i saw my mistakes in hindsight. even now, outside the world of her OG fic, when i made her blog, i gave her backstory, personality, and all the specific timeline dates and details a major overhaul, and made other small adjustments when i later moved her to this blog. originally, she was a lot more... like jane, to be honest. a lot more shit eating and closed off in a different way- reminiscent of the way that he is in the show. she had very little causation for how she had become who she was in her backstory; a lot of facts with no reasons to back them up. she was more flippant, and she was also much younger, in her early-mid thirties. her imagined style of dress was very different- think of the fashion posts i reblog for ruby nowadays, instead of mira’s fashion tag. the way she spoke was a lot more obnoxious- still with emphasis on sounding sophisticated, but without the casual flair. if you’ve ever written with mira, you know that she has no use for formality; she speaks with proper-ness but she throws out procedure in favor of a more real human interaction. in her original incarnation, she spoke with big words for the sake of it, and used sarcasm past a point of her proper tone. i spent half my time googling synonyms for words, and in fact, most of my rewrite of her OG fic was just me fixing her now cringey incorrect dialogue.

herb. when i first started writing him, i think i focused a whole on on the fact that i knew he was an asshole. that was partly because i had just come off of only writing the sweetheart of the nation, lorraine baines. but, it was also because i was very aware that my love for him as a character caused bias, and that i could accidentally end up purifying him in a way that would bring him out of his character. i knew from seeing it in past experience that fandoms can take a character that has a lot of issues at the source of their personality, especially when the character is from a canon that involves a group of people/friends/family/whatever, and victimize them, blaming exclusively outside sources- perhaps even the character’s friend group- for their faults. i was super against falling into that trap, and i think i may have over compensated a bit, forgetting that in the show, herb does canonically display actual, normal human emotion and speak with more openness about some personal situations to other characters than i imagined he did. i have, over time, become very comfortable writing him, however- very aware of his faults and problems, and the things he’s done to himself, but also aware of what qualities of his are actually good. re-centering myself with the actual essence of his character, rather than stereotyping him in my own writing, is something that i think has improved my portrayal immensely over time.

PART THREE.  how has their appearance developed from their first incarnation?

mira. i was thinking that she still looked about the same, but to be honest that couldn’t be further from the truth. i would show you the “face claim” (read: random, unnamed image i found on google one time) i used to represent mira in the thumbnail of the first iteration of her OG fic, but i don’t have it anymore. however, she was wearing heavy eye makeup, she had mid-length brown hair, but it was styled so that it swept straight up at the roots- a very 90s-grunge look, for some odd reason. remember, this was at the same time as i was hc’ing her wearing frilly dresses and heels everywhere like life was a ballroom. it was a mess and i didn’t know what i was doing. as for how she looks now-

she’s gotten older, obviously. her hair is a conservative middle or side part; her face is more angular than i initially imagined it. her hair is just past her shoulders (although not many of my icons do properly represent this). and her makeup is very much an essentials, 50-products-but-it-looks-like-nothing look. also, for those of you who don’t know, her main official FC is rachel weisz.

herb. i’m afraid i don’t have much to say for him in this category? his appearance has always been determined by his canon representation, and that hasn’t changed at all. very plaid. very terrible. although, i really thought about that one episode of the show where jennifer, a coworker, makes him dress super nice and like... Actually Look Good for a day. his clients who come in that day are convinced that he’s not one of them (a sleaze) anymore and pull their business in search of someone else like them. in trying to regain their trust, we hear him promise, “hey, come back tomorrow and- i promise you i’ll have on a suit that will make you airsick!” it’s made me wonder what point in his character arc did he realize that the way he dressed was genuinely horrifying? whenever he’s been affronted about his clothes, he’s defended them heartily, even well into the final season- past the point where he refers to them as able to make you “airsick”. does that man that he’s now just maintaining the act because he feels trapped in it? and if so- how many other, less trivial things in his life are being maintained for the same reasons?

PART FOUR. what do you think most makes your character unique ?

mira. i must admit that other than people writing canon characters from the show, i have not seen anyone writing a character who can be described as a “mentalist”. i think that mira’s “abilities” are part of it, because it’s like trying to write a telepathic character who doesn’t have any supernatural abilities. she’s just a good guesser who’s studied her craft well. i also think that her backstory is probably a part of it. she has come from a very specific place, and it’s effected her thought processes and personality today in a lot of specific ways. she’s been in a few notable situations in her past, and it does give people writing other muses a lot of options to connect with her in a plotting situation. i think the concept that she’s based on, while having grown and changed exponentially over the years, is still one i haven’t seen done elsewhere, and helps to propel her storyline in a unique direction.

herb. he’s the opposite of everything in his presentation- he’s a serial skirt chaser, who actually really loves his wife and family and does not want to cheat. he’s an asshole who actually cares about people and, in subtle, clumsy ways, tries to help them- as long as it remains a secret. he’s a lot of very inexcusable things- sexist, homophobic, etc. it does, in a way, take some commitment to portray him canonically and know the consequences. a lot of people i’ve tried to plot with just really couldn’t like him, and i don’t blame them. he is, after all, a jackass. he’s just... really not as bad as he likes to act as though he is.

TAGGED BY: i stole this from @machinemotion who did it about 500 years ago ???? and i’ve had it in my drafts forever intending to do it cuz it looked fun and now.... here I be bc I FINALLY HAVE THE TIME LOL whoops TAGGING: EVERYONE WHO SEES THIS ummmm @cbipsychic ...... @piper-aileen-lenox .... @peoplesking ... @violetxsilverxstark and uhhh @innocentmanwithabounty and uhhh idk ?? I FEEL LIKE I DONT KNOW ENOUGH PPL LOL BUUT IF U SEE THIS AND U WANNA DO IT TAG ME CUZ I WANNA SEEEEE

[not-for-my-personality]

Don’t mind me

So yeah I’m not the one to post my own stuff, I usually just reblog and like. Also I would like to warn you that this is a pure rant of my fed up self, but I don’t want to write it on my motherlanguage because my country’s tags are full of things that have a connection to depression and suicide and yeah well I don’t want that. So sorry beacuse of the errors but probably no one will read this.

I wanted to do this for a long time. Honestly, I thought I was doing quite well in high school, like I had friends my grades were not bad either and we could say that I was happy. But I came to a realization that I am kind of empty. I don’t know how to describe it. This year, I had other stuff beside studying, ‘cuz I get pretty lazy if I’m bored. (piano classes and countinouing fencing, plus I take korean lessons once a week)  And I always feel like I’m not good enough. I do average, but I’m not satisfied. I want to be the best. I know it sounds childish but my maximalism takes the fun out of everything, For example, today I almost beat the guy who won against me since like the beginning of this school year. (10point for him 9 for me) So the normal reaction should be that I’m happy, but my mind then tells me “It was only 1 point, you should be asamed that you weren’t the one with the final win) and from that I was in a bad mood. When I’m with my coach I do everything right, he always says that I’m good, and I simply don’t believe it. Because that level should be average for me and expected. And that’s the case with everything in my life. My studies mostly. I can’t accept defeat and I can’t deal with it either. And for me even a C is a defeat, but in my midyear grades even one or two Bs are. My best friend is not even my best friend. Like, I feel like she always tries to top me. And I can be competitve if I have my motiviaton but I don’t want competition in my friendships nor relationships. She has her boyfriend for more than one and half a year now, and I didn’t even have a normal conversation with him in person, the longest was like 6 sentences on Messenger. I never even met him properly, I only said hi to them when I walked past them. And she has no problem with this. I’m fine with it, but when I asked her what’s the reason for it she always said some stupid one with pure sarcasm and brought up another topic. She always ask why I don’t tell her about my life nowadays but she barely said something about hers. ever. She only texts me when she needs something. When I write to her she replies like half a day later. /now she left me on read when I asked her what’s the problem beacuse she’currently absent from school/ So yeah, I feel alone as fuck, I have some buddies but they are not considering me a close friend. Currently I only have one close friend, she listens to me, and she actually writes back. My best friend and I are very similar,and in other aspects we are like the ground and the sky maybe that’s the problem. But I hate it when she makes fun of my non-existent love life. She knows I kinda want one, (I’m a horribly hopeless romantic in my opinion) and she says things like “ I just don’t get it why don’t you just get a boyfriend” or “You don’t miss out on anything except a boyfriend makes your life so much better” and my personal fav “ OMG I miss being single” ( she doesn’t, she wants to marry that kid) And I always feel like she doesn’t take me seriously when I tell her about a guy I like and things like that. (these are just a few examples of the things what she does) And know the best part... my crush. So I think I kinda crave the caring, or idk how to say it, but I can state that I fall for people quickly in general. And after that I’m invested in them as fuck... ( i don’t even know if this is healthy)  My last crush was a boy from the same school and the same town, we travel with the same bus. we started talking in late november of my freshman year, and I think we kinda liked each other. I always anticipated if he sits next to me, and he liked listening to music too, so if one of us did not feel like talking, we simply just listened to music and slept next to each other, and wake the other up when we arrived. This year he was a junior and they had the student campaign our school holds every year. And when they were doing the choreography, boys started to hand out flowers. He started to walk straight to me, handed a flower to the side on the go and when he arrived in front od me, my friend started to say “please give me the flower” ( she has a tendency to hord things for herself on campaign week) and he just stared at her, looked at me and his arm got around her and handed me the flower with a smile. the day before I didn’t know how to thank him for the shirt he gave me so I just hugged him, and at the beginning of the week I wore high heels (not used to them) and he escorted me to the school ( lot of stairs) Back to the point, the next day he commented on the situation saying he thought it was obvious for who the flower was meant for. (sorry, this sentence fucked up my mind and I just could not translate it properly) Aaaaaand that’s the busride where I met a new girl. Short summary the girl became his gf and after that he did not speak to me for a good month or so. Now he sits next to me, but at the gf’s stop he gets off the bus and goes with her with the next bus. (this stuff fucked up my emotions for like, two weeks, also there are more stuff to it) Now I have a slight crush on my fencing partner. Like, we go to the same training. And he’s goofy,makes other people laugh and  is basically my ideal type since I was a little girl. I don’t know if he likes me or not. He gives off vibes like that, but still than the little voice in my mind says “ U ugly, and he’s nice with everyone anyways, stop thinking you have a chance with him” Still, he’s the only one I believed when he said I’m a good fencer. He always makes me smile, and even if I see him for like 5 seconds, he makes my day. This is a lot to read, If you read thorugh all of it, I love you. It was good to write this all down. I talked about it, but felt like no one listened. Anyway, if you have something to say about this, or just something that happened to you, my inbox is open. But this just had to be done. Have a good morning/day/evening wherever you are <3

[spiteweaver]

I know I'm like a million years late to the party but I've been reading those number things and they're entertaining /as hell/. So I've got a few numbers for you (if you're still doing them of course): 23, 38, & 51? Also your lair spreadsheet is cool af I'm going to make one right now.

(aaah thank u ;w; 51 was already done, but i’ll do the other two!)

Under the cut for length!

(Send me a number, y’all!)

23 is Europa!

1. What is their romantic history like?

Seeing as Europa spent much of their life in total isolation, dedicating themselves wholly and entirely to the moon, romance has never really been an option for them. They’ve had partners in the past, typically travelers who came upon them in their temple and sought solace in their arms, but never anyone they were romantically invested in.

2. What songs would you put on a playlist about this dragon/what songs would they put on a playlist of their own?

Voice of No Return - Keiichi Okabe (current theme)

You Are The Moon - The Hush Sound

Hikari - Aoi Teshima

A Dedication to…Everyone - Riei Saitō

The Dragon Boy / The Bottomless Pit - Joe Hisaishi

Magic - Mystery Skulls

3. What are their guilty pleasures?

None. No shame.

4. If they have a bipedal form, what does it look like? Do they have a faceclaim? What kinds of things would they wear?

Europa has a few “human” forms they can take on. All of them have white hair, of varying lengths, and either pale blue or amber eyes. They’re fair-skinned, and usually tall and lithe. Their favored form is the more androgynous of the lot. All of their forms are unsettlingly beautiful.

They prefer to wear silks and loose-fitting clothing, typically in white or blue, and almost always have either flowers or a wreath in their hair.

5. What is their most traumatic memory?

Their transformation from common dragon to lunar deity was a violent one. I wouldn’t say it traumatized them, but it’s as close as they have to a traumatic memory.

6. What kinds of dreams do they have?

Much like Dreamweaver, Europa does not appear to possess the ability to dream.

7. What foods do they like? Which do they dislike?

Europa isn’t picky, but they favor rice dishes.

8. What is their best physical feature?

Their hands or their lips; men have been lured in by these alone.

(It doesn’t hurt that they can use both to great effect, if you catch my meaning.)

9. How do they fight/what weapons do they wield?

Europa is a lover, not a fighter, but they can call upon the power of the moon to devastate their enemies. They can also influence the tides to a non-negligible degree, so if you’re fighting them anywhere near the sea, you may want to reconsider. They aren’t quite as merciful as they let on.

They carry a staff with them as well–mostly for amplifying their magic, but it can be used to administer swift justice if necessary.

10. What are their thoughts on the Beastclans? Do they like them? See them as allies? Nuisances?

They view Beastclans simply as beings they must coexist with. It is easier and more comfortable to live peacefully alongside them than it is to war with them. Europa has no particular attachment to them, but they have no real reason to be prejudiced either, and would much rather they all just get along.

11. What are they like in bed?

Versatile, casual, experienced. They give off the air of one who has spent many nights in the arms of strangers–and, indeed, they have. They do not hesitate. They know what they want, and they have the uncanny ability to know what you want just as well. They are extremely confident in bed. You won’t be able to throw them off easily.

The quickest way to fluster them is to flip the script on them. Take control away from them and assert yourself. They find it very attractive, and they won’t be expecting it, as they’re accustomed to doing most of the work themself.

They’re a tender lover. They enjoy holding and being held, and the quiet sweet nothings partners whisper to one another in the afterward.

12. What are their biggest turn-ons/turn-offs?

Turn-Ons: assertiveness, confidence; facial hair; emotional vulnerability and availability

Turn-Offs: the usual suspects (watersports, scat, etc.)

13. Do they have any kinks?

For the most part, they enjoy whatever their partners enjoy. They aren’t especially squeamish or picky, and, to them, sex is sex. If it feels good, they don’t mind if it’s a little unorthodox.

BUT they do enjoy bondage quite a lot. Giving or receiving, it doesn’t really matter, they’ll have fun either way.

38 is Satin!

1. What is their romantic history like?

Satin has only ever been physically involved with other men. Although he’s a romantic at heart, commitment is somewhat daunting to him. He worries he may not be able to keep a long-term relationship afloat, for a variety of reasons.

There is one man who will claim he was romantically involved with Satin if ever asked, but Satin violently disagrees.

2. What songs would you put on a playlist about this dragon/what songs would they put on a playlist of their own?

Warriors - Imagine Dragons (current theme)

Fire, Fire - Flyleaf

Gasoline - Halsey

Hurricane - Fleurie

Elastic Heart - Sia

Earth - Sleeping At Last

3. What are their guilty pleasures?

Do kinks count? He struggles a bit with some of them in relation to his abuse, and a lot of people may look at his enjoyment of them as unacceptable.

(Mostly things like bondage, masochism, etc.)

4. If they have a bipedal form, what does it look like? Do they have a faceclaim? What kinds of things would they wear?

I haven’t 100% decided on a “human” form for Satin. I do know he’s somewhat androgynous, probably has golden hair, and has the pale eyes of an Ice dragon. He also dresses mostly in silks, because, well, they’re his trade. He can’t sell customers clothing he won’t wear himself.

Other than that, he likes anything gold and delicate.

5. What is their most traumatic memory?

The first instance of abuse he suffered at his former master’s hands. It was, arguably, the worst occasion out of the lot of them. Even now, so many eons later, he still has triggers relating to that specific instance.

6. What kinds of dreams do they have?

Putting it kindly, not very good ones. He’s made a great deal of progress in his recovery over the years, but spending more than half of your life as a slave to the wealthy elite leaves scars that cannot be fully undone.

Dreamweaver does what they can for him, but that is very little.

7. What foods do they like? Which do they dislike?

His favorite foods are sweet fruits, particularly cherries. You won’t often catch him without a jar of cherries within reaching distance. He likes most sweet things, but fruits in particular. The juicer, the better.

He doesn’t like mushy foods. The texture disagrees with him.

8. What is their best physical feature?

If you ask him, his smile. If you ask everyone else, his incredibly gorgeous legs.

(He doesn’t mind that people like his legs, though. On the contrary, he’s quite flattered, especially if it’s a handsome man saying so.)

9. How do they fight/what weapons do they wield?

Satin picked up a variety of skills during his time serving under his former master’s wife. Manipulation is one of them, and it is assuredly his greatest weapon, but the art of knives was another. His mistress thought that, seeing as he tagged along with her everywhere she went, he should be able to defend her from ruffians–and so she had him taught in defense and self-defense.

(A risky move, given how desperately he wanted to see her husband dead–but an opportunity never arose for him to stick a knife in the bastard.)

He keeps several knifes on him, usually smaller blades for easier concealment and maneuverability. They’re wicked sharp, and he cares for them like they’re his children.

10. What are their thoughts on the Beastclans? Do they like them? See them as allies? Nuisances?

He has more pressing matters to worry about than the ongoing conflict between dragonkind and Beastclans. If a beast is good to him, he’ll return the favor. Simple as.

11. What are they like in bed?

Experienced, playful, oftentimes a bit controlling. He will always ensure that his partners know who’s boss (i.e. him), usually by teasing them until they can’t do anything about it. He is V E R Y good at turning men to jelly, and he uses it to his advantage in the bedroom, to keep a tight leash on his partners. If he doesn’t know you well, you’ll be bending to his will and whims, not the other way ‘round.

If he does know you well, however, he’ll give up some of that control, little by little. His fear is that, by giving up control, he’ll be making himself vulnerable, and so he clings to it zealously when he feels he cannot trust a person. Once you’ve earned his trust, he’ll quite happily play whatever kind of submissive you wish of him, the full spectrum, from innocent to wanton slut.

His favorite thing to do in bed is kiss, so expect a fair few marks on your neck come morning.

12. What are their biggest turn-ons/turn-offs?

Turn-Ons: desperation; pampering; open-mindedness; equally experienced partners; noticeable size differences between himself and his partners; romantic settings

Turn-Offs: undesired or unexpected forcefulness; degradation/humiliation; disrespect for his boundaries; the usual suspects

13. Do they have any kinks?

Satin’s flexible, the sort who will try anything once and who, even if it isn’t his kink, may still gain enjoyment out of one of his partner’s fantasies. His own kinks are many and varied. He’s into bondage, both giving and receiving, and enjoys a bit of role-play now and then.

Probably his favorite kink is spanking. For obvious reasons, the stereotypical master/slave scenario you see involved in a lot of spanking scenes doesn’t set well with him, but he certainly doesn’t mind a lover telling him he’s naughty and proceeding to bop the sinfulness right out of him.

He’s been a bad boy. Time for this very handsome man of high morals and upstanding character to set him straight.

[jkbaws]

CHARACTER THESIS Q&A (JENNIE EDITION: LET ME)

to him: when i make promises, they’re never empty. i’d rather die than break one. you might not remember many of them, but one that’s upheld without the need to be mentioned constantly is my loyalty. i know that you know... that i know...! my decisive and firm choices in life, including the stupid and doubtful, have led me to you. i take it as a sign that regardless of what they initially were, i’ve made the right ones and i won’t take this for granted. i promise. you awakened something in me that i long ago believed was null, ignited pleasures in me that i can’t quiet down; pleasures of the mind, pleasures of the body, pleasures of the heart.

someone told me before that if they felt the same for me, that if we were to be, it would have happened already. so i told myself over and over that i’ll never ever again buy into this—as i saw it—crap. it’s because of this scar from the past that a part of me still probably resents that i had to wait, because i was expecting for someone to do it for me this time around. i think, one way or another, i’ll always be insecure that anyone i’ve truly felt for never had to struggle chasing for me. it’s my fault for making it easy, but it would have gone against my beliefs otherwise... i wouldn’t have wished it for another person, especially if they’re someone as important as you turned out to be. basically, if that person is you...

i would question myself before whether i should have taken up on other offers but to pair up with someone with the thought that i can learn in time, hope to fall later on, but it's too big a leap of faith i cannot take. i know everyone of us has our own unique thresholds for what we believe being "in love" means. we should abide by our personal thresholds and put faith in them. but i still wonder if for you falling and staying in love is without choice and reason, like the way i experience it.

this... is just one of the many things i keep pestering you about. i keep nudging you for answers over and over for probably the same questions that’s just worded differently, and i feel sorry because i have an insatiable appetite that requires a lot of patience. i hate to put all this pressure on you. it’s a conflicting feeling of wanting to selfishly keep you who’s been so accommodating and understanding between letting you run free without shouldering my uncertainties. but nothing is ever just black and white. just... this big but organized confusion (that we get to share, heh). and it's why it also amazes me how you see no wrong in me. how? it's common knowledge that we're our own worst critics. it might be that i see all these flaws in me that you don’t but... i still don't understand. even if you think there’s only a few, you... overlook all of them? is that a good thing? if it is, it seems too good to be true. is there really absolutely nothing about me that you dislike? if this is true, then does that mean you feel stronger than i do? i refuse to believe so, pfft. 

i think i'll always have this self-doubt within me, no matter how much pride and confidence i show on the outside. but all my worries and my inhibitions, it’s exactly how you said; you kiss them all away, persistently so. you breathe fresh air into the healing process, better than emotional freedom techniques would have. please don’t get tired... i’ll keep trying my best to... well, stay the way that i am, as per your request.

about names, possessions, and everything i have never admitted to anyone: a playground full of children with heroic names and not one of them had earned even a syllable. they grew up to be just as unworthy, feeling entitled from their historical ties and becoming arrogant. they paid lip-service only to the idea of service, and the highest honor being that of serving the community. there is something to be said for growing into a name. at birth, we should all be named after things of nature. flower, sky, river... something that shows what we are in our beginnings, where we come from, not a thing separate. when we show our metal, that we have grit and spirit to do right and bear greatness, then we should be given a name that symbolizes that. then maybe our names will mean something more than just the whim of our times, the fashion of an era, or the aspirations of our parents.

i've earned mine and shaped it to what meaning it holds now. i’m the girl you’ve always heard about; the girl you hear about even more now. it’s why i sing, watch your mouth when you speak my name. how many can say the same for themselves?

i've been driven mad from giving deep meaning, investing emotions and memories in my possessions. to me they have always been what represents my extended self, what provides my sense of past and what tells me who i am, where i've come from, and where i'm going. they are repositories of myself. you, you, and you; you’re all mine. i’m selfish. i can’t have it any other way. it’s hard to just let go. i'd hate for anyone to have dominion over me. why can’t i reciprocate? why can’t i not reciprocate? i’m fire and i need space to burn. fan the flames and let me.

a toast for me right now and for my little secret; the one that i can't let out but can't hardly hold in; the one i can't tell anyone, but want to tell everybody; the one that i'll carry forever, but its weight crushes me. reminders to self: if you don’t want people guessing, don’t give out hints. if you don’t want questions asked, don’t say a word.

to angels: is there really a council standing guard over the big guy in the sky? do you speak of harmony and love? peace and simple joys? ways to live without greed and misery? i don't care about the future. i'd rather find it out for myself, when the right time comes. tell me what i need to know...

questions to death: i don’t even want anything to do with you. it makes me curious when you’ll take me, because i want to know how much time i have. how much is there for me to work with. how long will it take for me to be able to win the legacy that i keep promising myself? i have these questions... but i don’t really want to hear the answer. not yet, at least. i’ll come back for them in a few more decades, in case the science people’s hunches or the prophecies way back from ancient times don’t come true.

to her: with anyone else, i am a lioness. with you, i'm a rabbit. or maybe a chinchilla. anything tiny; anything you can hold within your palms. one look from you and the fight leaves my body. you see me for who i am inside, quell the inferno, transform it to passion for life, career, and even nature. with you my soul is at rest. with you it's content. i love you like a brother, respect you like no other; our spirits kindred. i could no more abandon you than my own child... in the future! it's like you tell my panic to shut up. i don't know how you do it, and i don't need to. knowing that you can, and so effortlessly, is enough.

you aren't simply a good friend. you have become part of my soul. when life became a storm, you were the boat that kept the briny water from entering my lungs. you were love when i needed it and i thank you with all that i am. the storm isn't over. it never will be; the winds rage, seek to crush what they can never be. i have to know my own strength, test it, find truth and liberty, to realize that there is no prison that can hold me. only then will i know that i am doing what i choose to do, that my own love is a choice and that it is a gift to give. at times, i'd have to walk alone and you have to let me but a part of my light stays with you, as part of yours leaves with me, for we are kindred as i told you, twin souls. i will return, and sooner than you might think, with new strength to my legs, to my bones, strong enough to carry you. heaven and prison can't be the same thing, and we'll keep on looking, together.

questions to the body: we're in abundance. not in a typical sort of way. i'm in the shape that i'm confident in. i treat you well. not just you, but also your other half. you may not be able to support me the way the world prefers you did but i take an exception to you. you serve me well, and i've listened to you and adhered to what works best for you. i've been given an intimate awareness that i've never really felt before and because of that i'm happy. i have a wonderful relationship with myself that i can spend a lifetime cultivating. 

but things aren't always perfect. especially for me, they never are. everybody has those inner critics that really inhibit them and act as an obstacle to fulfillment and happiness. i sometimes seek shelter outside my own body. what stranger has my soul become? 

to the heart: i realize now, it’s love that makes you so strong.

tagged by @babehk @pullstrings tagging @1konic @dalchu @baskuiat @jaeneral (for ur other verses) @consilian (hallo welcome back i can tag u into things again hehehe) @kinqisms @ishyks @leeyjin @inhyelation @vonliber