#don’t be so inappropriate

[nufc-carraville]

Come on, James.

[alwaysakookie]

My first Twisted Wonderland post and art!

And what better dorm to draw then Octavinelle (✯◡✯)

[moonlightdancer26]

Snape kneeling in Sirius’s room having a mental breakdown while surrounded with half-naked posters of Muggle women:

[gingermaybel]

The chancellor’s office held a small meeting and summoned the jedi. Anakin, just came back from the frontline battered and high on painkillers, kissed padmé without thinking the moment he walked in, and looked up to see the entire room frozen in stunned silence. So he had to proceed to kiss the rest of everyone—bail, mon, riyo, ono (got stabbed by his pointy mouth), amedda (got stabbed by his horns), halle (so tall he only managed to kiss her on the neck), fox (the unfortunate guard stuck on patrol that day), obiwan (🤨), and ahsoka. She was like ewww??????? and then he walked behind the desk and kissed palpatine and then she was like sbdshdjajwhdhsjwjdh????]^|~????????!!!!!!??!?????$|^}^]€€]^{}

[sctumsempra]

this is so incredibly self indulgent but. hear me out

[fagbearentertainment]

Child with a super mario special interest in the early 2010s good ending

[zee-has-commitment-issues]

Yall literally leave him alone. God forbid he grows up and figures himself out. Jesus Christ.

[browncoatsareinthetardis]

Hi hi followers and scrollers. If your first thought when hearing that Liam Payne died was to

1. laugh

2. Say he deserved it

I hope your pillow is never cold and you spill your coffee.

I just had to block a person that had a post that had like 15k notes that was laughing at his death saying he deserved it. From the bottom of my heart, fuck you. This isn’t even me being parasocial about it. He was a real person, with a real family, with people that knew him personally that cared about him.

I will block you and feel free to block me ✌🏼

[awoogaslashers]

Bitch slap

[pwurrz]

no actually i think people should be allowed to mourn a large part of their childhood while also being able to talk about how they aren’t supporting an abuser’s actions by feeling grief over their passing.

i think people should have the right to talk about the complexities of human emotions and acknowledge that difficult feelings, especially grief, are never black and white without being accused of being an abuse apologist OR being accused of being a heartless monster with no compassion.

[tumblingclockwork]

Let me guess, Steve Cobs simp?

Or did you think the ending of Tangled should of had Rapunzel trapped back in the tower with Mother Gothel the victor and everyone else dead?

Because ending off II with Mephone forced to go back to his abusive parent who has been canonically abusive and controlling to him while everyone else dead is a hell of a shit note to end off of.

LMAOOOO WHAT A WILD FUCKING THING TO SAY TO ME please learn to be normal to strangers on the internet actually this is a crazy thing to say to a human being.

For like, the normal people, I get if it’s not to anyone’s taste but i do consider the ending of inanimate insanity to be a happy ending in its own way. I do think them all making their final act of power taking satisfaction away from a villain who’s losing everything and putting his all into controlling their lives a Good Ending. I really really enjoyed it.

and I think when you’re into indie media you have to be ready for creative or complex takes on what a happy ending can be, and you have to be ready for a sad ending where not everything gets tied up in a neat little bow!

Ending where people do the best they can, and not everything works out, and some things are still really bad ≠ shit ending.

I hate steve cobs, and I am devastated by the way ii ended, and obviously I didn’t want all of my favorite characters to die. That does not make it a bad ending.

[bronzeys]

I have not moved on from this btw.

[commence-screaming]

I know you all are awaiting my response, and I’m grateful for your patience. There are some things I have to address here. Never wanted to put everything out there—I don’t like drama on my blog. I have a document that’s over a thousand words long, but I realized that when people have blocked me and are saying stuff in the main tag, they don’t want to listen. They just want to hurt me.

So I guess now there are things I have to clarify… it’s heavy, but I tried to keep it short. I didn’t have the energy to read everything they were saying about me so I may get things wrong. I didn’t really want to post this.

Content warnings for mental illness, suicidal ideation, mentions of abuse.

Let’s get right into it.

1. I’ve always lived with the paranoid delusion that everyone was conspiring against me, that people secretly hated me and would smear me behind my back. I passed these off as negative thoughts, anything that might’ve “confirmed” this would set it off. I’d have an episode I would have to deal with on my own. I thought that nobody would stick with me in a crisis, and I would always be thinking along the lines of, “is it all over?”

I feel liberated, now. There’s no need to fight when they’re true. I am more at peace with myself.

2. I never want to hurt anyone. Not a real level, the angst stuff is fictional pain. I am autistic—the things you’re hearing me say are the first times I’ve talked to people (other than my family) for my entire life. I always want people to go to me when I do something wrong so I can handle it and learn from my mistakes, that’s why I have my bio set to what it is.

That, and my memory is so fuzzy that I can’t remember too much from even last week. I tend to dissociate and my brain turns into mush.

3. The “minor incident” that Ghouse and the others were talking about was one of his mods saying she’d “tear people apart” and then immediately citing me as the main cause because I was “being rude.” I told her why I was taking a break, as I couldn’t handle it, this had happened before and I asked them to correct me if I was wrong—even confirming multiple times that we were just joking around because I was paranoid.

I suggested they go straight to me for future reference. I was having a mental health episode. She called me crazy and that I was overreacting, implying I was stupid. Another mod told me I was overreacting and that I was acting pathetic and childish. This made point 1 so much worse.

4. The “suicide baiting” was something I told the Panic Room server in confidence. I told them I was talking a break. Ghouse said “it wasn’t that bad but okay,” as if he were gaslighting me. He said things like this as I was sobbing alone in my room, which he was well aware of.

I have to clarify that it wasn’t baiting. Suicidal ideation has been something I’ve been dealing with since I was 9 years old. I have been abused/gaslit for more of my life than I have been safe. I never wanted to say this, but they were brushing me off at a point where I was trying to find a reason to live. I had stupidly thought that they would understand what they were doing to me if I said.

5. That was the first time I had an episode like that. To say that it was baiting is to say I was lying. Let’s play devil’s advocate here.

If I were lying for attention, why would I destroy all my relationships in a single night? Why wouldn’t I make art or something along those lines? They’re big on art.

If I wasn’t, then that would mean that I was having a few bad days and they did nothing to help me… beyond condescendingly saying that I need help. I don’t blame the minors in the server, I’m talking about Ghouse, who is older than I am by around 2 years. I told them I called 988 and it didn’t really work. He continued to tell me off.

After I was kicked I was made aware that they immediately started insulting me. Whether you believe me or not, purposely attacking someone who’s mentally ill is… too far. I hadn’t done anything to them before this incident.

6. The reasons I freaked out was because I was sad that I had unintentionally hurt people, I had started a new, dangerous job, and… well, to be honest, I was terrified.

They were making me forget that I’d been hurt. I was starting to trust them. I had been starting to look forward to tomorrow. And, I was so scared that it would all be over. I didn’t know when, just that it would be.

Now, it is.

7. I may very well have been joking around with everything while on the server, but serious topics were serious. I was never “demeaning” when Ghouse was venting about something that happened to him beyond a couple of lighthearted comments. I thought they’d have the same respect for me. Again, I had confirmed multiple times that I was joking.

8. I might not have done much wrong in the Panic Room situation, but the other things that people are saying about me? I had no idea.

That was the first time I’d ever heard of them.

In the past, my autism had gone completely unchecked. some of those things were from when I was a week into being on my first server… ever. I was 17, had no idea how to check for age or even pronouns. Never used anything but tumblr, never interacted with anyone. Never went to school or even had a job at that point. I more tried to figure out everything based off of my own experiences… which was, not good. To say the least. The things I did, in my head, I thought they were “normal.” This doesn’t make it less terrible, but I hadn’t even remembered some of the incidents until someone pointed it out. It was so mundane to me—I was a messed up child. I’m sorry for this.

8. I wasn’t the best person, I really wasn’t. I didn’t know how to “mask” my traits at that time, I was excited to be able to talk to people. I was protective over my friends (my first friends! ever!) and very clingy. I didn’t know that people held characters close to their hearts, either? (When I have a favorite, I only want to hurt them, you see)

So while the doc was deliberately taking things out of context, some of the other accusations are true, unfortunately. I will be posting my DMs between me and the people on the server in my doc.

9. I have explanations for what I’ve seen of the accusations, but I don’t really recall anything from that incident over 3 years ago… if someone had told me, or even confronted me, I’d have known what was wrong. But they didn’t, and they kept talking to me like everything was normal. I was completely unaware. This is most of the reason I thought people were plotting against me—people would be cold to me and I wouldn’t know why. The worst part is that I can’t apologize. I can’t even try to rectify anything. Some of the people in that server still played PAYDAY 2 with me, some would even reply to my DMs. I had… no idea.

I have hurt people. Unknowingly, but still. I apologize to anyone I’ve affected. Most of it was not knowing how basic social media functions worked. I hope you understand that my behavior was out of line, and that I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. Don’t defend me on that, I was entirely wrong. But… smearing me in the fandom tag instead of going to me directly means that they want to attack me. They don’t want an explanation.

All of my actions were genuine. I never intended to hurt anyone, but that’s what ended up happening. I’ll put more detail into the doc.

10. I was already going to take a break. I was already doing poorly, and the server knew this. At that point, they want me to go through with it. What else would they be saying when they do all of this? Unless I’m reading that wrong. Whatever the reason is, they don’t want to help me, they’re deliberately being malicious and they know I wasn’t baiting.

Although, I guess I have to thank them. Now, I can say that I wasn’t delusional. I can say that I was too smart for my own good. How crazy does it sound to think that everyone was just waiting to betray me? But… they were. I can begin to trust myself again, even if it’s accepting some of my “negative thoughts” as reality. I won’t be reaching out to anyone I don’t already know, and there is safety in never putting myself out there again.

Thank you to everybody who stuck around. My delusions… weren’t entirely correct. Just like how most of my former friends blocked me on sight, there were a few people who didn’t mind when I wasn’t responding. There are some people who believed in me to a point where even if all those accusations were true, they believed that I could change. That’s… something I never thought I’d hear, ever, in my life. That is a form of trust I don’t deserve, really.

So, I was wrong again. Not everyone wanted me gone. It took all of this for me to realize that there were people who loved me in the truest form of it.

As for everyone who cut me off… well, I hope you understand that because of my mental issues, I can never trust you beyond a professional level. It is for my own wellbeing, because I’m still not doing good. I will still be taking that break. The PAYDAY 2 fandom was a source of reprieve for me, and now it’s not. It wasn’t an accident that it turned out that way. All my safe spaces have been taken from me. I don’t know why the Panic Room server hated me, so I can’t provide any extra insight on that.

The truth is, I haven’t been around because I’ve been dealing with depression for a long time. I’ve been passively… yknow. Not actively. I haven’t had the energy to respond to anything on most days, I’m sorry for that :(

All of this was just the breaking point, really.

Thank you for reading. I know most people won’t, but I appreciate those who do. I won’t blame the rest of you if you all decide to leave as well, I understand that. I never made the blog for other people, I made it for myself. This whole thing will serve as a reminder that there are more important things than online spaces. Can’t get therapy because I’m broke, but I can enjoy the few things I still can… even if I’m reminded of what I’ve lost. I don’t think I’ll really be here anymore, but I will be okay.

[ask-mother-city-spies]

If you could visit any planet for one day, completely safely, which one would you visit and why?

-Your eldest son, Paris

“Paris? Wow are all of my kids going to snoop around my conversa— Okay, y’know what I’m going to just answer.”

*He thought for a bit, a small humming noise. Probably humming a song from a musical*

“Uhh, I personally, would go to Uranus. It doesn’t have a solid surface and is known as a planet that can’t be explored as a metal spacecraft would be destroyed by the pressure in its atmosphere. I would like to go there, too see how it is.”

[callixton]

i keep drafting posts abt the dropout cast and then deleting them and that’s all i’ll say abt that