#doing something stupid in a frantic effort to avoid perceived abandonment

[iceeh]

undergoing a major life change that is kind of the opposite of the major life change i initiated three years ago in that i am the one being left this time (for the first time! i am always the one leaving)(they followed then but the winter and my mother are both untenable things) and i'm facilitating that by quite literally retracing my steps (driving back down the alcan) and then coming right back (alone) and it's apparently been so difficult for me to emotionally comprehend this journey that i decided to get sick about it at (almost) the worst possible time

[justtextmeoppa]

❝ That’s why I stayed. ❞

Plot: Jackson has feelings for you and finds out you’re Dracula’s daughter, so he finally confesses his feelings. 

Pairing: JacksonxReader

Words count: 1,9k+

Genre: Vampire!Au / College!Au 

For @ mariekirishima16 and anon (I put two similar request together because the topic was the same), I hope you like it! - M. 

Gif isn’t mine, credits to the owner! ♥

He looked out the window, curious by the strange absence of his best friend. Friend for whom he had driven out feelings months before but who couldn't confess anything. He felt as trapped in a limbo without a way out, remaining at his side and admiring her without being able to do anything.  

They were given an appointment for the eight, but now forty minutes have passed and Jackson began to perceive the concern more and more intensely.  

Y/N had never been a laggard girl, indeed she had always made it clear how much she hated the delay so that her behavior seemed incredibly strange to the blond one.  

"Maybe she had a mishap," Objected Yugyeom, looking at the friend who became increasingly agitated every second who passed out. He leaned his phone on the table and gently squeezed Jackson's shoulder, trying to distract him in some way. "Jackson, she might have been detained in class, calm down."  

"Huh" Jackson mumbled in a winding wire, catching his phone from his pocket; "She would have warned, Yugyeommie"  

The youngest sighed heavily and shaking his head decided to give up, returning to focus his attention on the game of the mobile.  

"It's always weird Y/N, you shouldn't be surprised by that so much" Yugyeom pointed out, without raising his gaze from the bright screen, making Jackson want to pull a punch at him in that instant. No one had to afford to call "weirdo" to the girl he liked, rather to his best friend.  

It was thus that he abandoned the youngest, who tried to recall him repeatedly without success, leaving the coffee shop where they were given appointment to study.  

-Y/N, did you forget about our date?  

-Why don't you answer?-  

-You're all right, aren't you? -  

-Jackson's coming to save you!-

After frantically typing those messages, which she didn't read, he walked fast to the dormitory where she lived.  

It had to be something happened if she had disappeared that way and he could no longer think lucidly, too worried and anxious.  

It was not that kind of person, he hardly panicked even if he screamed for the smaller things seeming cowardly, but when the speech fell on Y/N, Jackson Wang completely lost consciousness of himself.  

After twenty minutes and a running that had taken his breath, he arrived in front of her room and was on the verge of knocking when two voices inside the room made him desist.  

One was that of Y/N and he could recognize it everywhere while the other was unknown, but it provoked a sudden and chilling shiver along his back.  

"I'm tired of this script, my daughter."  

"I don't, father. I'm not you and this is my place. " Y/N yelled, completely unaware of Jackson's presence on the other side of the door.  

"This will never be your place! You belong to our world, I would remember it to you" Thundered the father in a bitter tone, looking at her with boredom and annoyance. None of his children had ever disobeyed to his request, but she was the youngest and even the strongest to resist him, which is why he had always had particular regard for her.  

"Dad.. I'm fine here. I feel normal.. "  

-Normal? What the hell...- Jackson thought, continuing to eavesdropping with his ear pressed against the hard wood of the door. -Something eludes me.-  

~ Y/N has always been weird, you shouldn't be surprised more than that ~ Yugyeom's words fluctuated in Jackson's mind and even if he wanted to see her, he understood that that was not the right time.  

His head was on the verge of exploding and he had to find the solution to that doubt that had begun to make its way into his mind.  

~ ~

"Jackson? Did the alien kidnap you? Open this door! " Jaebum screamed by continuing to punch his fists against the door. Y/N and Mark at his side watched the scene in silence, while the young girl tried not to show the relief she felt. She could perceive the regular heartbeat of his heart and his slow breathing, all made her think and understand that at that moment her best friend was asleep.  

But they were days that he avoided the company of all and therefore Jaebum, tired of his continuous absences, had taken up the situation.  

"Jae, he might sleep.." Mark suggested, resting a hand on the friend's wrist to block him;  

"Then? It's a ghost in these days, I'm sick. Or tell us what happens or I throw down the doo--"  

"Only Y/N can enter."  

Their gazes lay on the small window that was created between the door and its jamb. Jackson continued to hide, while Jaebum lifted his eyes to heaven and throw his hands into the air. She smiled at him as he walked away along with Mark, who had quickly whispered into her ear to take care of Jackson.  

Whatever it was, it was sure that to make worried the boy always without problems, it had to be very serious.  

She entered the darkness of his room, without problem seeing him because her eyes were used to darkening much darker.  

"Jackson what happens..? You're making us worry. "  

The blond didn't answer her, but he just hugged her from behind. Y/N jumped to that sudden contact, relaxing almost immediately and resting both hands on his forearm that surrounded the upper part of her chest. She pushed her head backward, lied against his shoulder, noticing in spite of the little light the well-marked circles under his eyes.  

"Hey, nice blond.. You make me worry. "  

"I'm fine, I only had a lot of thoughts in my head," Jackson whispered avoiding to look at her while he increased the grip around her body.  

He had never noticed but her skin was really cold in contact with his own, as he had never noticed that she seemed to never be tired or that she ate incredibly little.  

"You want to talk about it..?" She asked, even more worried about him.  

"No.. Just stay like that a few minutes, please. "  

Y/N didn't answer but simply granted that little and innocent wish, bettering herself against his body. So warm and soft compared to hers. She hated all the lies told in those years, but she didn't want to expose anyone to her world. More that less Jackson, because she knew how dangerous it could be at times.  

They remained in that position for those who appeared centuries instead of mere minutes when Jackson decided to make his move. He was incredibly tired of hiding his feelings, of escaping from them, of escaping from her. He didn't even matter what she was or she didn't feel the same, he had to do something.  

Holding his breath he laid his lips on the pale skin of her neck, knowing her features in memory for each time he had found himself to stare intensely at her, starting to leave a trail of kisses until he reached her ear where his breathing made Y/N tremble more. She remained motionless, taken aback by that sudden contact, but immediately feeling her body on fire. She didn't feel something like that for centuries and somehow it frightened her but not to the point of dissolving that contact.  

"Jackson.." She stammered when he took to kiss her jawline, while his hands ended up both on her stomach and attracted her completely against his body; That she had always thought was perfect.  

"You don't understand it, do you..?"  

"What..?"  

"I feel something for you Y/N.." Jackson's voice was a broken whisper against her skin; causing a shiver that traveled along her whole body and blocked into her lower abdomen making her tremble.  

But she couldn't, she couldn't love a mortal and especially endanger him. Because the only reason she had stayed at that university despite not needing it was for Jackson. Because he was different, he made her feel different.  

With an extreme effort, she managed to get rid of his grip and turned away from many steps so as to create almost a barrier between them.  

He looked at her hurt, thinking that that move was due to the fact that she didn't have the same feelings. He lowered his gaze, staring at his feet and clenching his fists along his hips, trying in some way to expel the burning sensation of pain that was destroying his heart.  

"You can't." Y/N said breathlessly, looking him totally frightened.  

The blond raised his gaze, making his eyes locked with her own, and her expression filled him with other questions without answers.  

"What do you mean??"  

"You can't have feelings for me.. I.. I am the wrong person, Jackson.. " Y/N couldn't look him in the eyes, so she moved her gaze on the desk despite the desire to throw herself into his arms; "You have to find someone better.."  

"Is it a written rule that loving a vampire is forbidden?"  

Although her heart didn't beat for centuries, for Y/N seemed almost to hear it into her own chest. It was beating fast, frantic and on the verge of exploding.  

Slow but cautious she turned to him, which gave her one of the sweetest and most sincere smiles she had ever seen.  

"What.. What did you say..? "  

"These days were useful to think.. And I was stupid to not realize it before. "  

"You're talking about it as if it were a normal thing!"  

"For me it is. For me, you'll be always mine. My Y/N. " He said by emphasizing that "mine" and he could swear if that if it were possible, the redness would immediately tint the girl's cheeks in front of me him.  

"Y-yours? I would be yours even if I-I s-said who is my father..? "  

"I also deduced that, Y/N. I don't care.. Even If I hope he doesn’t' use me as a dinner. "  

The shocked expression of Y/N to his joke made him smile more, as he opened his arms to make her understand to hide among them.  

She was hesitant for a few moments, she didn't want him to be in danger because of her nature, but she felt so tired of not being able to love him freely. And so in small steps, she went to hide among those arms, letting herself escape almost a sigh of relief when they surrounded her and he made her almost disappear between them.  

"I must deduce that you feel something for me..?"  

"Idiot.. And anyway, yes, that's why I stayed Jackson. "  

He smiled, hiding his face in her hair and inhaling the scent of cinnamon shampoo that emanated. It wasn't bad, that feeling. Despite the fear of possible problems due to her being a vampire, Jackson had never felt so happy in his life. He held into his arms the girl for whom he was madly in love and didn't care for anything else. Only he and her, the rest was nothing.

[nervousllikeme]

the situation is i’ve been on the mental decline and slipping since the end of october, really depressed and stressed and bpd really rearing back up with all that. and the other day i completely went off on my best friend who i’ve known for half my life, in a group chat setting for all our other friends to see, and said so many mean and terrible things to him and about him and while yeah some of it was based on concerns and negative feelings i’d had about our friendship and our creative pursuits being woven into it since the get go and how he’s basically been my boss first and friend second, i shouldn’t have said it like i did and how i did. 

and i fucked up! i let my anger get me and now my best friend never wants to speak to me again. and what am i supposed to do. i’m a huge asshole and even if i do change more permanently after this and learn from my mistake, i still fucking did that. i hurt someone. someone i really care about and love and i can’t live with myself. and i just want to crawl into a hole and die so i don’t have to live with the guilt. 

so i’m having a full blown meltdown. and i have no one to blame but myself. because i did something really terrible and i don’t know if it can be forgiven, so i’ve probably lost my best friend, that whole friend group, my entire support system, because i couldn’t fucking let my dumbass anger over stupid creative stuff pass. because i had to pick that moment to “stick up for myself” and be a fucking cruel and callous asshole about it. that part of my brain says that yeah i was overly mean but you let him rule over too many aspects of your life and you had to say something, and even if you did it privately and more thought out and nicer he still would’ve been hurt and pissed and react similarly to how he is now. and i feel bad that part of me feels that way. and my mostly all the friends messaged me seeing if i was okay and that drives me fucking nuts. while i don’t want to lose them, they should hate me. they saw what i said. why don’t they hate me and think i’m the worst and don’t want to associate with me anymore? they pity me because i’m sick. they want to make sure i’m not going to kill myself but not with the mess of actually being there. they don’t want me hurting myself on their conscious. i’m not sure they actually care about me and who i am and how i feel, just what i’ll do if i’m alone. and that’s really cynical but i’m not sure it’s untrue. 

it’s all just apart of that frantic efforts to avoid perceived abandonment. be the meanest person ever for 30 minutes so that people who think they’re your friends will decide that you aren’t worth it so they actually leave so they won’t leave you for how you really are months down the road. it’s easier to be alone and last time i learned that lesson it ended up pretty okay for a while. but then i forgot and now here i am. and i’m really sick. and i need actual help. like i need my life to stop so i can do all the intensive therapy stuff or get admitted or whatever other drastic thing i need to do. but i can’t afford to do that and even if i could, i wouldn’t want to. the last time i did it was someone threatening to leave me unless i went to therapy, and she and i aren’t even friends anymore anyway. the only way to get me to take care of myself is to threaten me or manipulate me. and none of my current friends are going to do that nor are they going to hold an intervention and force me. so unless i snap out of it as i’m really suicidal one night and decide to go to the hospital, and not talk my way out of it like i’ve done the last however many times i actually was in the waiting room or up at 4am crying about to call 911 on myself, i’m just going to fucking stay this way. and i’m never going to get better.

i’m a monster. all i do is hurt people. no one should be around me, let alone be friends with me. fuck whatever “good” qualities i have. those don’t matter if i’m tearing down the only people who have ever cared about me for no goddamn reason other than i didn’t feel respected and controlled. i just fuck everything up. all i am is a fuck up loser who’s too sick to do anything of worth