#doesnt mean they wont come after ellie...

[beachesgetpeaches]

ive seen a few comments on how both joel and marlene take away ellie's choice in the finale BUT let's just be fair and say that one of those was way worse than the other

it's quite literally not the same thing: joel taking away ellie's choice gives her the chance to LIVE and get to some sort of good mental/emotional mindspace, and marlene taking away ellie's choice makes ellie DEAD

with no guarantee that it would have been worth it because neither of those dumbass scientist actually ran any sort of tests to confirm that the cure would be a thing. ellie would be dead FOR NOTHING.

so yknow.

marlene can be a good person all you want, but you cant save the world by sacrificing your own humanity.

[savannahsdeath]

SOCCER!ELLIE WILLIAMS X CHEERLEADER!READER

PART 2TWO

part 3three

part 1one

mdni please<3

summary: effects of the match seem simple - ellie either wins and gets what she wanted, or not. but even the score doesnt make things less complicated, as the past wont leave you

warnings: minors safe🩷

writers note: the start is shitty because i was writing it in a rush but it gets better after first goal i promise!! also this ones shorter because i had to stop right there cus i dont know wether to make it ellie x reader or change it to vi....

'that's right, put your pom-poms down

getting everybody fired up'

you were excited for the match. not only did it mean that ellie was going to try her best to win your kiss, but the stakes were higher than that. you'd been excited for the rematch between your team and vi's team - your ex's team - all year, and now the time had come.

soon, the match was about to start, and you and the other cheerleaders took your positions on the sideline to cheer for your team. ellie and other players took their positions on the field, looking confident as well.

you cheered, watching ellie play against vi. the match was close, and the score was tied for a while. then, ellie managed to score a goal, turning the score to 1-0 in favor of their team.

you cheered as loud as you could for ellie, feeling a bit torn between wanting your team to win and not wanting to see ellie get her reward so easily. but just like you, vi had also noticed the connection between the two of you, and had to do something about it - she had no intention of letting the flirting continue. as the leader of her team, she made sure that they were playing aggressively, and they managed to tie up the score again, making it 1-1.

you watched as vi celebrated her team's goal with her team's cheerleaders, and you frowned, not at all happy to see her happy.

first 45 minutes ended, making all players spread out. some drank water, some stretched or practiced, but most of them just rested. ellie walked into your direction before suddenly stopping and turning around. just then, vi appeared in front of you.

"we need to talk." she demanded and you knew you have no choice.

you followed her as she led you away from the field. the two of you walked silently for a bit, until she finally turned to you.

"i've noticed you flirting with ellie." she said, her expression dead serious.

you couldn't help but stare at vi, trying to process what she was saying.

"what makes you think that?" you asked.

"don't play dumb. i've seen the way you look at her." she scoffed, rolling her eyes.

"what's the big deal anyway?" you inquired, trying to keep the conversation calm. you shrugged and added; "we broke up months ago."

"you're flirting with her right in front of me!" vi crossed her arms, glaring at you. "do your feelings towards me mean nothing to you anymore?" she asked.

you hestitated for a moment, not sure wether it's a good idea to bring this sensitive topic to the conversation. but you couldn't stand it anymore. "my feelings for you disappeared as soon as you cheated on me."

vi's eyes widened. she seemed genuinely surprised by your response - maybe she hadn't expected you to be so candid with her. "i never did. it would be different if you'd just- listen to me back there instead of believing what people say!"

you raised an eyebrow at the girl. "believe what people say?" you scoffed. "people don't just make something like that up."

you couldn't believe that she was actually trying to deny her betrayal.

"i don't want to hear it." you said, glaring at her. "i'm moving on, and you should too."

vi looked hurt. she clearly wasn't expecting such a bold response from you, and wasn't sure what to say.

"i should go." you said, turning to walk away.

"hey, wait a minute." vi exclaimed.

you defensively put your hands in the air. "no, that's it. the break ends soon, you should get ready." you nodded towards the field. "now, excuse me, i have to go cheer on ellie, so i don't miss her second goal." you said with a smirk.

vi rolled her eyes, so you could tell that you had hit a nerve. it wasn't necessary, but she deserved it. unless she wasn't lying...

you rolled your eyes back in retaliation, enjoying the little victory you had over her. you didn't even realize how intrigued you were by the match- no, by ellie, until this talk.

you didn't want to waste time chatting with vi, so you started walking towards the field. you saw ellie talking to her team on the field.

the second half of the match started, and the wave of cheers from the crowd got louder.

the last twenty minutes.

you watched as ellie started running towards the opposing team's goal, dribbling and dodging opponents with exceptional skill.

as ellie approached the goal, she noticed you in the crowd. she winked at you, and you couldn't help but grin back. as if she knew that she was going to score another goal, ellie took the shot, and it went in.

2-1 in favor of your team.

your ears were deafened by clapping, some people even stood up and jumped around. the game went on but ellie let herself rest for a moment, her players carrying the situation. even now, on her sweaty and tired face, you could see the same smirk she always has. she was proud, simply proud.

vi didn't like that, though. she saw the smile on ellie's face, and she knew that ellie was doing this for you. she kept yelling at her players, telling them to try harder.

soon, one of vi's teammates managed to push through your team's defense and scored a goal, making it 2-2.

vi smiled, looking right at you as she celebrated, encouraging her team to hold their position.

as the match neared its end, both teams tried their absolute best to score a third goal, but to no avail. time was running out quickly, and it seemed that the match would end in a tie.

you glanced over at ellie, watching as she ran back and forth on the field, sweating profusely and looking exhausted. she had given her all for the match and almost scored another goal, but it just wasn't enough.

the ref blew his whistle, as the match had officially ended.

PLEASE LET ME KNOW ARE YOU GUYS TEAM ELLIE OR TEAM VI??? i need yalls opinion🧎🏼‍♀️

TAGS: @wandasromanova @bellaramslover @aouiaa @glennns-blog @elliewilliamsfuckbuddy @iheartsadiesink @ximtiredx @coff1nn @jowdann @simpforellie @iveofficiallylostmymarbles @skylerwhitwyo @pinkigirl @islalips @ratdungeon @okayyesbutno and some more i cant tag for unknown reasons:(

[pinnipedia-art]

omg now that we found out about your ice age enjoyment may i ask your opinion of all of them (or the ones you have seen whatever works) love your art so so so much ^_^

i have a mammoth oc i thought it was obvious🤭 BUT TY OFC i will gladly take this opportunity to go fullmetal autism mode

ice age: i ADORE this one it's a classic and it's lovely, good character designs. manny's whole character is so good and it's so sad because of the humans. i love the saber group❤ i love the ending a lot. i wish roshan(the baby) had more involvement or i saw them as an adult with manny i think it would have been cute. they made the humans so love shaped

ice age meltdown: i originally hated this one bc they just decided to give manny a love interest after showing his whole backstory and i used to HATE ELLIE when i was a kid i don't know why but now i love her. i love the possums and i love how she was raised like one i think it's cute. i used to watch this one a lot because of the "food glorious food" scene and i would sing it at dinner all the time as a kid. i haven't seen this one in a while but i want to. also funny dinosaur monsters are cool

dawn of the dinosaurs: MY FAVOURITE as i said in the post i still have the dvd i bought of it from france which means it's like 13 years old. i love it the animation is good and i love peaches and buck. the dinosaurs are sooo cute and i love how the mom dino accepted sid in the end :D one thing i dislike is that peaches is just a carbon copy of ellie this makes me so mad when films do this. but i can tell it only happened cus they knew they weren't gonna make more movies(and then they did)

continental drift: i have a love hate relationship with this one. on one hand, the pirates are SO FUCKING AWESOME AND I ADORE THEM. like the character designs are so fun and i love pirates and ICE AGE mixed together. the monkey is awesome he's a cool villain too. shira is...cool if she wasn't obviously there to give diego a girlfriend(he doesnt need one) but then theres..peaches🙄 i love peaches but i do wish she wasn't Like That. don't get me started on the "apparently mammoths arent extinct and there are teenagers who hang out with ellie" like i know this wasn't true IRL but if they have a plot they should stick to it. the teenagers are also mad annoying but i forgive them since their designs are funny. they look like instagram influencers. i KNOW steffie has 1k insta followers and promotes a keto diet. at this point the series is being milked HARD. also LOUIS❤❤❤louis my love

collision course: WHERE IS LOUIS? WHY DID YOU THROW OUT HIS INVOLVEMENT WITH PEACHES? WHERE DID HER STUPID ANNOYING FIANCE COME FROM? THEY'RE TRYING TO BUTTER ME UP WITH COOL MAMMOTH DESIGNS BUT IT'S NOT WORKING!!!! I WONT SAY I LIKE JULIAN!!!! I REFUSE!!!! HE IS NOT CUTE AND FAT!!!!! why do the mammoths play hockey. why is scrat in space. the plot is incredibly stupid. yes i do like the llama. shira becomes That kind of female character, you know the one where they just forget about all previous plot and just give them baby fever even though she would literally never. sid got a girlfriend which i mean good for him but shes british. the dinosaurs annoy me. the plot annoys me. good job you got money from milking a perfectly good franchise that should have ended when you mixed dinosaurs and the ice age. i do like it though

[melforbes]

ask meme. what if. patching up. no I still haven’t seen source material

the way i completely forgot about this ask until i wrote like two paragraphs in this and was like oh shit lmao

the source material is getting an hbo series bb you're in luck also ignore anna whatever as tess yes i respect her as an actress yes she is talented in a bunch of things i have not seen but ms annie wersching is the only tess in my heart and also if i have to endure tess being reduced to a powerbitch stereotype i will start foaming at the mouth. but also i have no feelings about this whatsoever <3

WHAT IF: i will pick an important choice or event in my current project and write three sentences (or more?) about if it’d gone done differently

hmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMm

this is hard because i kind of had a stupid amount of confidence in the decisions i had them make in this and because i have ~a lot of experience~ in flying by the seat of my pants with writing lmaooooo a lot of the time with this ive had some degree of foresight when it comes to certain plot decisions. the only reason i have this in the first place is that with other things ive had kind of sort of plot revelations and then been like "well if i'd set that up three chapters ago it would have a huge impact i think but instead i guess it's just going in this one for a smaller impact" so i think i learned my lesson haha. also because this pairing nowadays has a small and sparse tag i really intentionally put in stuff to make it interesting (maybe the wrong word) to reread. like not Interesting interesting but i wanted there to be certain details that are more relevant on a reread than on an initial read because whenever i read stuff in small tags i tend to read it Multiple Times lmaoooooo and it's like if anyone like me is out there I Will Feed You. I Will Give You Food. you see i have this problem in which im like i dont want to act like i put thought into this because That's Embarrassing and i also dont want to seem like i take this too seriously because That's Embarrassing and also i dont want to act uppity or pompous or something But At The Same Time i do put a lot of thought into certain things and i feel like mentioning that and i dont really want to judge myself for that. it's complicated but also super uncomplicated. where was i going with this

OH right. so most of the plot decisions were made super concretely. like pre breakup arc in the nightmares chapters (which came out so much worse than i intended alkdjksjad;glksjg) when tess and joel talk about ellie Knowing (also legit it is such a trip to me that you dont know the context of that. a trip in a good way) she says we every time and he only ever says i even when she points out that this would affect both of them, and at one point i think he says that tess doesnt understand baseless violence which is 100% untrue, and then there's a bunch of window imagery i put in starting there because im a freak. so like For Once In My Life a lot of this was as planned as it could be. on occasion there's been Plot Revelations that get wedged in (the radio interlude chapter, which was a bit of an inelegant seam between prewritten things that didnt mesh well) but for the most part ive got tits out into every decision. like tess and ellie disagreeing about joel's choice was very planned though i imagine that kind of conversation could be executed many different ways i had my one way and stuck to it. so either way

where was i going with this. did i have a point.

OKAY. let's see. i think one of the big ~emotional beats~ so to speak was the ambush chapter and i think that's the favorite because that's usually where people comment if i remember correctly and initially i wasnt going to go with that tone At All haha. years ago i wrote everyday domestic scenes of mulder and scully from x files and had it all on this blog and it was plotless but largely in the same overarching universe (i say as if it was legit ever That Deep) and after writing this as a oneshot and being like you know? Kind of feel like doing that again. i figured i would just follow the same largely plotless path of legit just domesticity and leave it at that. and i think the first like five chapters are tonally different from the rest because i'd never really intended for it to have plot or really any depth whatsoever. in the end like. How do i say this in a way that wont be interpreted as uppity or something asldkjgalsdgjk like. when i did those mulder scully scenes i was very much a beginner and i think i didnt realize just how inherent that beginner-ness was to the concept itself. which isnt a bad thing! like people had fun with those so far as i remember. bizarrely enough i think people might still read those which. cringe. but you kno!!! but with a few years of distance from that kind of concept i think it was hard for me to Not try something else. especially with this universe in which it's just dense with storytelling opportunity. and also i felt as if the first few chapters were just like super super lighthearted and i wanted some angst factor. which is why in the end the angst factor plot itself is flimsy as fuck. like i did not care WHY they got attacked i just wanted that sweet sweet hurt/comfort cup of tea u feel. and after that i didnt really go for the plot too much But i did edge toward it a lot more. like i mean ultimately this is a romance like it was not intended to be plot heavy ever But it's more plot heavy than it couldve been. had i actually written it as i'd intended from the start i think it wouldve gotten old really fast. like nothing but lighthearted domesticity doesnt make sense in this context. for the first few chapters it doesnt necessarily kill the whole thing imo because like. that's the first few chapters. but after then if there was never any ~deeper thoughts~ i think it wouldve gotten reductive super fast.

hmmm what else. Because i am deciding to talk too much on the internet now.

oh in theory the whole breakup arc couldve been omitted and now in retrospect im like it's hilarious that like the next chapter after they got married i immediately peppered in hints that they would break up lkajsdglaksjgdlkj like wow. That lasted a long time. but like i mean i think with them it fits that they would do something like get married before they even said that they loved each other. like i can see them doing a massive workaround instead of doing a small and simple but vulnerable thing. makes sense 2 me. and like they definitely couldve stuck together in the end but 1 theres interesting storytelling in how maybe joel was too stubborn or maybe they grew apart in certain ways or blah blah blah and 2 I JUST LOVE A GOOD BREAKUP AND THEN RETURNING TO EACH OTHER ARC OKAAAAAAAAAY. legit. favorite trope. if i ever experienced that in real life i would claw my eyes out but in fiction it makes me FERALLLL. and also like i mean i lov these two for their dumb quirks but also like it would be a lil wrong to say there wouldnt be consequences for like. Not communicating haha. also again like the world this game is put in is so full of storytelling opportunities and im like Must Take Them All. like joel is stubborn as hell and shuts down when he's overwhelmed and there is growth in the first game (and in the second too but thats not really shown as much and is more left for the player to fill in the gaps i think) but also i think it would be super easy to regress in that sense and i had fun with putting him in those situations. and it's also super fun to have an additional person for the joel and ellie plots to bounce off of. like joel and ellie are two very stubborn people and having an extra person there to be like You Blithering Idiots has been a good time. im getting sidetracked. like it was fun to answer the question of how these two in a marriage neither of them can fully substantiate would communicate in hard times and the answer i personally found was that they both would end up breaking things. which was fun to write!!!!!!!!! but in theory couldve been prevented. maybe i just cant imagine this a different way haha. like Joel And Tess Learn Healthy Communication Skills Over Time. am i mean for saying that doesnt sound probable aldskjgalskdjgslkgj

OH LMAO THE MARRIAGE PART. that was also a big decision i guess. i wouldnt make it go differently alksdjglasdjg like. i definitely couldve written the context around that many different ways bc again this whole is full of opportunity But a frankly premature wedding just feels right to me. especially with like going from being stuck on survival to being safe for the first time in decades. and then having that sense of safety get boring and wondering why there was that super fast wedding in the first place. cant really imagine it going differently

there is later unposted stuff that could def have gone many different ways and that i tried to make go different ways but that would not be right to talk about akldsjaslkgdjsg so.

this got too long sorry <3

[blackgirlblues]

Being a Black Girl and Finding Love

l o fucking l 

impossible

the last time i posted on this blog i was 18, 3 weeks away from leaving my hometown to pursue music in London and upset because my white friends didn’t understand the basics of cultural appropriation. 

here i am, back almost a whole year later. 

im 19 now, im a singer songwriter living in London, with an amazing group of diverse friends who understand each other and really have eachother’s backs. the last few months have been crazy for me, and i’ve experienced and learned about different parts of myself that i never knew existed because of how suppressed i was in my home environment until i moved. 

one of these things that i never really knew that well about myself, was how much i could feel for one person. 

growing up, i never really had much luck in the guy department. all my friends were white, and pretty, and most of the time i was the only black girl which, automatically, in society’s eyes- made me the ugly friend. it’s a statement that i know will make whoever reads this gasp. how can i call myself the ugly friend just because i’m the only black girl in the group? the same way our white as fuck society upholds euro-centric beauty standards and gives us warped depictions of what beautiful should be. beautiful in our modern day society means skinny, white and with long hair. its 2019, so this is not as rigid as it used to be, but growing up, it didn’t take long for me to realise that i was not what was desired by any of the guys me or other girls had their eyes on. 

not that boys are the be all and end all of life, but we can all agree that as young teenage girls, developing your first crush was a pretty big part of life. and the need to feel desired, and loved, and wanted will always be a big part of the human condition. and this isn’t something i’ve always had the pleasure of experiencing growing up as a young girl the way i watched my other friends have. 

i’ll spare you the long emotional details of childhood trauma when it comes to accepting myself and not letting whether white boys think i’m cute or not decide my value, i’ll just cut straight to what’s been keeping me up at 2am for the past 6 months.

two characteristics. 

capricorn with green eyes.  

i met him randomly at some music networking event and i always think about how weird it was that we somehow met in the first place. i was supposed to have gone home 10 minutes before, picked up an angry call from my dad telling me to go straight home even though he was a whole plane ride away. and my friend - let’s call her ellie, was outraged. “it’s only ten o’ clock you can’t leave”. she sounded stressed, to say the least. so, i didn’t. and 10 minutes later, i bump into him. 

fuck him. 

pretty smile, pretty eyes, pretty face, pretty laugh and he liked lorde and brockhampton. i was doomed from the start quite honestly. 

we exchanged instagrams, he invited me to some event he was putting on and this open mic in shoreditch that he and his friends always went to. and the rest was history that i cant ever seem to properly let go of. 

i started going to this shit every week just to see him, and after a couple months started developing a little crush, which after an invitation to some house parties, 2am voice memo conversations, supposed songs written about me (maybe), lingering looks, and a lot of conversations about astrology spiralled into me having full blown feelings for his pretentious ass. and it’s worse because he was never just a stupid boy. he was everything that i had always asked the universe for. i always said, that if the universe ever decided to send me my first boyfriend, that i wanted him to be educated in social issues, intelligent, motivated. capricorn was this. 

it’s just a shame that he probably didn’t feel the same way. 

i’ve been holding out hope for the longest time that maybe, just maybe, this time, i could finally be the girl that a guy looks at and says “yo, i want her.” the girl that someone looks at and sees something they could love. i wanted to experience the feeling of having someone reciprocate your feelings, and being in a relationship, and learning and growing with eachother. i wanted to have my first kiss and all these other things i dreamt up in my head because that’s what my scorpio ass does best; dreams. 

for once, i wanted to be that girl. the girl that’s desired. and not just desired but desired enough that someone truly starts to pursue me. 

let me cut to the chase and tell you that didn’t happen here. 

i let myself over-analyze, i blamed myself, wondered what i was doing wrong, how i could be “cooler”, if i was “cool enough” to even be with someone like him; that was my first mistake, putting some boy on a pedestal because i was lonely and touch-starved. scorpio ass behaviour. 

i let myself get sad when he wouldn’t text, or when he wouldn’t reply how i wanted. when he wouldn’t give me back the same energy i gave to him. i let myself get angry when i would show up to events to support him and he would dissapear for hours or flirt with other girls. because what the fuck? wasn’t i the one? i’m supposed to be the one. it’s my turn to be the one that somebody wants. why did the universe keep dangling something in front of me that i clearly couldn’t have? 

i thought that when i moved, everything would be different and somehow the stars would align and i would meet a boy that would finally make me “the one”. finally, i would get to experience everything my friends did while i sat on the sidelines and wished i had what they did. 

nah though, that’s not how shit works for girls like me apparently. 

girls like me lead ourselves on, the boys don’t even have to do any work. 

girls like me bask in the smidge of attention our crush gives us because we thrive off of the hope that somehow, maybe, possibly, they could feel the exact same way we have for so long and that eventually everything will come out and it will be a happy ending. 

but what happens when none of that shit goes to plan? 

i uploaded some random track that i was pretty proud of, it wasnt an official release so i wasnt really expecting a wide response. and i had been training myself not to expect anything from capricorn so i wouldn’t get hurt. but i couldn’t help the feeling i got when i realized that he didn’t share my song on instagram - which - i know, petty. but it was really the principle that got to me. 

i’ve been so supportive of this guy for the longest time. i would always ask about his projects, current and upcoming, hype him up over the littlest things but very rarely did he ever even ask me about what i had planned or about my day, anything he posted relating to his music, i would repost. i would message him saying congratulations, or that his song was fire or that he was just doing a really good job. i’d come to his shows and do the same. and he couldn’t even repost a track on his instagram feed? why? too worried about looking cool and professional for his all his lowkey famous edgy hipster friends?

something switched inside me, really, i just got angry. anger is the key for me a lot of the time. and it helped me realize, as much as it fucking hurt, that i wasn’t and would never get the same energy back from capricorn, no matter how hard i tried. no matter how much or how little i posted. regardless of how i analyzed the lyrics of his songs that i thought were about me, or the content of his instagram posts or his messages back. i would never get what i was putting in. and i still don’t know why.

 i don’t know why i never seem to be enough for the ones i truly want. but then did i really want him or the idea of him? regardless, i get neither at the end of the day. and that shit hurts, because this time, i let my hopes get higher and higher. 

and boy is it a long way down.

my minds gone through many phases when it comes to him, but i think im finally at the point where im just accepting the fact that he doesnt want me even though i want him.

so bad.

and maybe its the 3am talking, but i dont think anybody will ever want me in the way i want them. 

one time when i was 15, one of my friends said she couldn’t ever imagine me in a relationship. i cant either. 

maybe i’m unlovable, maybe love and relationships just aren’t supposed to be a thing for someone like me. 

i don’t really know if i believe in love anymore- which i know seems a bit dramatic all because of one guy but please understand its really an accumulation of things over the past few years of my growth. 

nothing the universe has given me or shown me tells me that i could ever find love in any place i look. 

so, i’m just going to stop looking. 

and i’m going to stop hoping, and manifesting, and wishing on 11:11′s, and on stars that i’m too far away to reach. 

and i’m going to stop opening my heart to every person who glances at it and smiles. 

and i’m going to stop giving the best version of myself to boys who wont even give me a quarter of what they are. 

and i’m going to stop thinking like just because i’ve moved countries that things have changed for me. 

and i’m going to accept that love isn’t something that was made for me. 

it never was.

at least now i know for sure. 

[negasonicimagines]

Gladdest (Soulmate AU)

For this, I’ll be using the soulmate AU where what happens to your soulmate’s body happens to you. I’m not sure who originally came up with this. Basically, how it works, is like, if your soulmate gets punched in the face, you feel like you’ve been punched in the face. If your soulmate dies, you don’t die, but you feel it. Same with broken bones, you’ll feel it, but your arm won’t actually be broken. But not just pain, other stuff. Like if your soulmate cries, you’ll feel it, but you don’t cry unless they’re super heartbroken, or if they get a really good hug you feel it, too. In my version of this AU, the pain and other feeling doesn’t start until you turn sixteen. Imagine how fucked up it would be if that wasn’t the case and you had a partner older than you? Like, while 13-year old Bill gets in a fight, his soulmate, who is only 3, feels the same punches and kicks. It’d be so fucked up.

warnings: nsfw (but no actual sex, just a lot of talking about it [and masturbation] and some sexually tense scenes), the reader nearly has a panic attack (again, i know, sorry. what can I say? I project), & reader has a thing for.... erotic asphyxiation. let me know if i missed anything.

I am very open to writing a part two with smut... I just chickened out with this because I felt it wouldn’t be good writing.

You’d been sixteen for a little while now, and there hadn’t been much contact from your soulmate aside from the occasional feel of a phone falling on your face and smacking it.

It’s the beginning of a new school year at Xavier’s, and you’re pretty thrilled. Your roommate this year is your best friend, Ellie. Okay, not just your best friend, she’s your crush, too. Do I really have to say, at this point?

“Hey,” she greets you, sounding rather sullen as she enters your dorm, where you sit on the edge of your bed.

“What’s up?” you ask.

“I turned sixteen over the summer and I haven’t felt anything to give me a hint. All my soulmate does is cry.”

“All my soulmate does is drop their phone on their face,” you offer a complaint in return, and the two of you lock eyes for a moment, one of realization.

“No,” Ellie says. “No.” She’s bright red, immediately thinking of just how many hot summer nights she was kept up, orgasm after orgasm after orgasm, gasping for breath at the way her soulmate’s fingers curled just right, just fucking right. There’s no way you, her crush and her best friend, were that good.

“No, can’t be,” you agree.

“Could be,” she reminds you.

“It’d make sense,” you admit.

“I hate everyone else but you.”

“We could try to find out,” you suggest.

She pinches herself.

“Ow! Not like that!” You whine, clutching at your arm. “Oh, well, I guess it’s too late th-” Ellie cuts you off with her eyes alone.

“Where does all that energy come from, Y/N?! What are you, the Energizer bunny?! At least three times a night, every night! What the hell?!”

You blush deeply, scratching the back of your neck. You hadn’t exactly expected you’d meet your soulmate anytime soon, or that they’d be bold enough to comment on your habits.

“I dunno, I thought it was normal for kids our age…” you mumble.

“Oh, yeah, well some people like sleeping and not screaming into the pillow because their soulmate has a little too much fun doing the five finger shuffle!”

“Please, louder. I think a few people in Antarctica didn’t hear you,” you retort, looking up at her from where you were sitting with a challenging expression.

“We’ve been friends for all this time and I never knew what a horny bastard you are,” she remarks.

“Well, I’m not the one who was ‘screaming’ in pleasure,” you mutter.

“I heard that!” she says, her expression still adorably indignant.

“If you hated it so much, you should’ve just got those over the counter meds, Antifel or whatever.”

“I- I…” She sighs. “Yeah, I didn’t hate it that much,” she admits, and you smile a bit. “But I wasn’t a fan of the choking,” she adds, gesturing at your scarf, your favorite one that she never would’ve guessed hides the bruises from where you’ve choked yourself with a belt, at least not before. “I’m more of a choker than a ‘chokee’, but, I guess that’d be obvious, wouldn’t it? Considering we’re soulmates and all.”

You nod, your eyes now on your lap, the floor, her tee shirt, the lamp in the corner, anything that isn’t her eyes, and she smirks.

“Oh, so now you’re shy?”

“A little,” you quietly reply, and she sits next to you on your bed.

“Let’s cool down,” she offers. “We’ve just seen each other after months of purely texting and the occasional phone call.”

“Thanks,” you respond, finding it easier to breathe.

“Why were you crying so much?” Ellie asks, addressing her original observation.

“Just depressed and lonely and stuff. I don’t have friends in my hometown, not like you.”

“You’ll always have me,” she says. “I mean it.”

“I’d hope so, soulmate,” you laugh off the seriousness of the conversation, and she sighs, looking to your eyes with her own soulful ones.

“I’m glad it’s you,” she tells you.  “I don’t think I’d be able to stand anyone else.”

“Yeah, right!” you huff out a laugh, confused at her sudden emotional openness. Sure, she was more honest about her feelings with you than anyone else, but that didn’t mean that she was a completely open book. Who was?

“You’re not disappointed, are you?” Ellie wonders because of your remark.

“God, no! I- I actually have a really big crush on you,” you admit.

“Yeah?” she asks, the cutest little grin on her face, you know the one. “I have a crush on you, too.”

You blush again.

“Sorry… I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I’m not very good at flirting or anything like that. I don’t really care about much of anyone at all, and you’re definitely the only person I’ve really cared about in a romantic way, so…”

“No, it’s not that! I- You- You being really good at flirting is what’s got me like this. And the fact that I’m a dork who’s really bad at flirting contributes,” you explain.

“I am? Good at flirting, I mean.”

“Well, with me, at least,” you tell her.

“Um… Sorry if it’s lame to ask, but… Can I kiss you?”

“Of course! And it’s not lame to ask at all, El, I appreciate it actua- Mmf!”

You could live forever in the feeling of her lips on yours, her hands oh-so carefully holding your cheeks.

“Sorry,” she shyly says, as she slowly pulls away from you, looking in your eyes. “I’ve just been wanting to do that for a really, really long time. Pretty much since we met, actually.”

“R-really?” you ask, a bit breathless and definitely still flustered.

“Yeah, you’re perfect. In, like, every way. It’s the worst and the best.”

“I’m perfect?! But you’re- You’re you!” you argue, and she shakes her head, rolling her eyes. “I’m so lucky.”

“No, I’m the lucky one,” she disagrees.

“We can both be lucky,” you tell her, and she sighs.

“I suppose that’s a good compromise,” she decides. “So, what should we do before dinner? We’ve got a couple hours to kill, but I don’t think either of us has much more to say that wouldn’t be repetitive or… Something.” She blushes again, cheeks bright pink.

You blush back, reminded that she knew all about you and the things you did to yourself behind doors. “R-right,” you reply. Hey, you may be a horny motherfucker, but that doesn’t make you any less of a bottom.

“Can I see?” she asks, touching at your scarf. You nod, and she unwraps the scarf. She carefully touches the spotted bruises with her fingers. “With the belt you’re wearing?”

You can’t even speak. You nod, and the ghost of a smile graces her face before she just barely presses her lips to the bruises closest to her, on the side of your neck. Your hand quickly grabs her bicep tightly, and she stops, looking to you with concern.

“I’m so sorry, I got a bit carried aw-”

“No, no, it’s good, I’m just… Sensitive there,” you admit, and one of the biggest smiles you’ve seen her wear is on her lips.

“Yeah?” she asks, taking her crossbody bag off of her shoulder and opening it. She takes out a bottle of Antifel pills. “How sensitive?”

“Oh God, um… I- Um…” Your nerves are really getting to you, and your breathing gets heavier as you stare at the bottle. This is really happening. It’s really happening. You’d always wanted to, especially with her, but now that it’s a reality, you feel on the brink.

Ellie can recognize that look in your eyes, and it’s a look she’d hoped she’d never be the cause of.

“Shit, Y/N. What’s going on? Talk to me.”

“I- Um, I just- I want to? But I- I just- I don’t know, it’s just getting really hard to breathe, and uh, not in a hot way,” you joke nervously.

“Hey, you can want to and not be ready to right this minute. We haven’t even been on a date yet, okay? I’m really sorry if I made you feel like you had to do anything you didn’t want to,” Ellie tells you, and she feels immensely guilty either way.

“No! I liked you kissing me, especially where you did, but, you’re right. We should probably adjust to the news and put a label on whatever this is before we do anything too serious.”

Ellie nods. “You always were the more logical one. I’ll put these in the medicine cabinet and we can just… Talk about stuff, like we always do.”

“But with more kissing and cuddling, I hope?” you request, and she nods, going to put the bottle away before returning to find you bundled up in her comforter. “It’s so cozy…” you practically sing, at least to her.

“This is a dream,” she sighs happily, slipping off her shoes and joining you in her bed. You spoon her side, and she hums in content, stroking your hair.

“You’re in a good mood,” you comment. Ellie is not a very cheerful person, at least not openly. So, to see her like this was surprising.

“Yeah, of course I am. It’s you. It’s really you. I’ve never been happier in my life,” she says, having really been hit with the fact that you’re her soulmate. All hers. “All mine…” she hums.

“You really know how to make a girl feel special… I mean it. I’m really not all that.”

“Please be my girlfriend,” she requests.

“Only if you’ll be mine,” you reply, and she scoffs.

“I think that’s how that works, babe.”

Your heart skips a beat and you stare at her in wonder.

“Sorry for not asking if pet names were okay…It’s just something I like, it’s really stupid.”

“No, I really like it, hence the dumb stare and the lack of breathing.”

She chuckles, holding you tighter. You smile with her, glad that she’s happy.

“I hope you don’t feel like you have to over-exaggerate how happy you are. It’s okay if you’re not ridiculously happy about finding your soulmate.”

“Oh, no, I’m as happy as I sound. I’m, uh, definitely a textbook case of Lesbian That’s A Grumpy Bitch Til She Gets A Girlfriend. But then again, I’ll probably just be a significantly less grumpy bitch to everyone but you, sorry.”

“I don’t mind, I like you being your bitchy self,” you reply, being rewarded with a kiss placed atop your head that sends tingles dancing down your body. “Mm… I like that.”

“Good,” Ellie responds. “I’m glad.”

“I’m gladder,” you tease.

“I’m gladdest...”

[honeyohnohoneyno-blog]

* ☆ ·˚ 「 kristine froseth. cis female. she/her/hers. 」 — oh, you mean ? lacey lund, the twenty-one year-old social media influencer? they’ve been around the fold for six months. i know they’re an aries and when i see them, i can’t help but think of morning runs, the feeling of floating, and face masks to heal every wound. but you’ll get to make your own judgement soon!

hi hello i’m ellie and i’m very excited to b here!! when u read this i’ll be working until 430pst (730est) so this post is gonna b scheduled to post at 3est so i dont miss out on the intros and plotting!! i obvi wont be here until late and until after the interactions start, but here is lacey and pls kno that once i get home at 430ish its over for u guys! 

click here to know about lacey

click here to see her connections 

for the connections page, theyre all just ideas and we don’t have to use them or we can like mix them to make a better connection, but also if u dont wanna plot then that’s cool we can just go off of wtvr happens but if u DO want to plot then pls :) reply to this post with like literally anything (i’d say like this and i’ll come to u when i get home but i never know if ur liking the post so we can plot or if it’s just a sense of acknowledgment of the post u feel) so i know to come to u and message u for plots when i get back!!! 

for the get to know lacey page, its really wordy i’m so sorry but that’s basically sums up lacey and everything i have for her chara so far but below r just like the MAIN things to kno 

she doesnt get along w her family except for her one of her sisters (odette) and her parents/family kinda of neglected her growing up and still neglect her except for when theyre telling her that dropping out of college to become a social media influencer is such a dumb ass idea

alot of her issues come from her bad relationship w her family

she loves the feeling of floating n will do anything for it which is why she goes out to parties n events a lot bc she knows she can feel like shes on cloud 9 when she’s there

shes an aries and she has a fire in her but she burns herself n others because of it 

she just wants attention but she acts like she doesnt need it or crave it in any way possible 

this is a really bad sum up list im so sorry for making u read the long ass page to get to know lacey ofiosjofs

also i’m thinking of bringing a male fc, but idk who so suggestions would b beautiful thank u love u pls wait for me 

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

I hate my body. How it looks, how it works. How it feels to be in it.

Sorry this letter is so long, Charlie. I just really need to let something out of my head.

I try not to say IRL how unhappy i am with my weight, because i dont want to accidentally make M upset. But i really do feel terrible about it. I am constantly thinking about how much heavier than everybody else i am and it sucks. It’s because i can’t stand most vegetables. vegetables are gross. yuck. So chubby I will stay.

My period doesnt come naturally, on its own. It stopped coming in 2016 ish, and i went 8 months without my period until my aunt found out and went ballistic to my parents about it. I got to go to the doctor for the first time in 7 years after that. I got prescribed birth control, and I cried when I got my first period after 8 months of nothing. I had never been so happy about a period before, because they really sucked. But it made me feel normal again, it made me feel human again, and i felt great for a while afterward.

My family couldn’t pay for my insurance over the summer in 2018. Summer is always tight moneywise. I couldn’t get my birth control anymore after July. When the summer was over, i asked them to get my insurance back so that i could keep taking my meds, and i was met with an “ok, we’ll do that later”. It didn’t happen later.

My insurance is stupid. It kicks you off of it at the end of your birth month when you turn 19. that means i have until the end of April. So that means its pretty much too late for me to get back on it. Ive found a solution for it, but dad probably won’t like it because i dont think he likes Planned Parenthood. But theyre cheap, thayre local ish, and i really need it.

Its so stressful not having a period. Since I am in a stable healthy relationship, I am always a little worried that the first form of contraceptives wont work. I love condoms. they’re cheap and easy to get to. but, they dont work 100% of the time. I am always worried that i might be pregnant because I dont naturally have the first sign of the possibility of it. My period is always missing, so that indicator is gone. I’m a chubby person who’s weight fluctuates constantly, so the weight gain indicator is nixed out too. I have acid reflux, so I always feel nauseous. Morming sickness indicator is gone.

I’m praying pretty much every day to the gods above that I have PCOS, so that I can remove the worry of pregnancy from my mind. I don’t want a kid yet. I’m too young for that. I feel so much stress every day at the possibility of being pregnant. It’s super unlikely, I know that, but I honestly have no idea how to tell if I am or not besides doing an actual store bought test. I dont wanna do one of those again, what if somebody finds it before I get rid of it?? I think I’m gonna buy one of those packs on Amazon that has 100 little tiny test strips for $20. Do you know those? They’re super tiny, like maybe a few millimeters wide at most. They’re super accurate, and way less expensive than the big tests at the store. Those would be pretty easy to hide. Yeah, i think that would be a worthy investment for me, since I’m always so worried. Next time I get some money that’s what I’ll use it for.

Again, I’m sorry this letter is so long. I feel a lot better after getting some of these thoughts out of my head.

Thank you, friend.

~Ellie Z

3-9-19

[tragictm]

The Future of This Blog

I've been rping on tumblr since around 2012, diving into the indie world in 2014 with my beth blog. It was a fun hobby for a long time, but by 2015 it had become more like a chore. Soon enough I made new blogs, moved every month or two and hoped like hell itd have that spark back. There were moments, people, that made my time here truly amazing. I'll talk about them later. For now, I have to look to myself and to the future.

Which brings me here. While I love my muses and I genuinely adore writing them, something on this blog isnt right. Not just this blog, but all of them. I'm burnt out on this site, its multiple issues not helping, and my constant need for external validation is only making this worse. You've all noticed it, begging for poll responses, asking if a character should be added and making the choice based only in how many votes each option gets. Everything on this site is governed by notes, by reactions, by the thought that what I post here is important or interesting to people. That's not why I was here, it's not why I wanted to write, and as long as it's there i dont know that i can continue to be here.

As 2019 draws near I have to make choices to better my life. In 2019 I'm giving up work to study and follow my dream, I'm giving up my home that I've lived in for my whole life to have a shot in a completely different city, a completely different world. And with that, I'm giving up this.

Writing is so important to me, I've grown as a person so much from doing this, I've made friends who mean the world to me, but this has also been so toxic. My deep and constant fear of duplicates - and yes that includes the ones I follow. My desire to be the best version of my muse, preferably the only version of my muse. I crave attention, crave the glory that I've somehow managed to believe comes from the number of people who follow me. It's stupid. Its toxic. It's made me act like a person I dont want to be.

I dont know when I'll come back. Ideally, I want to be more emotionally and mentally sound before coming here. I want to be less busy. I want to be able to have fun rather than cry because I cant decide what to do with a fucking tumblr blog.

I want to mention some people, talk about what they mean to me and how theyve shaped my experience. That's below the cut. But first: means of contact. I dont want to lose friends, but I cant promise tumblr will be a place I go ever again. For now I'll be on my personal @distortedrebel and probably on @greene-rph but come 2019 theres a chance I wont even be on those blogs. So, heres where to find me:

Facebook, snapchat, etc. are available if you message me, I'd message my personal or one of those accounts though because I wont be logged on to here.

@selfsaving - izzy, you alone have given me so much muse and such a strong feeling of being somewhere I belong. You've been amazing to me, from liking starter calls and interacting with a muse no one interacted with to inviting me to discord servers and being excited to write with me. I genuinely can't describe how great you've been to me.

@mrbisected - kate you've been amazing. You've followed me through so many blogs, even when I never knew who Kenny was. Honestly, I kind of dreaded watching Texas chainsaw at first. I really thought I'd hate it, especially for the first half hour or so. After watching I didnt care that much for Kenny, but the way you cared for him and the way you crafted him into a real person really inspired me and made me fall in love. I fell for nikki because she was hot, but with your help she became someone real and I never imagined giving up on her because of how it had felt having a muse I cared about so much.

@withumans - kacie idk if ur on this blog or using this alias but hey, you're amazing. I know we haven't necessarily been the closest, but you've been a really good friend. You've been through a lot and I know you relate to the need for validation here. You're still young, you're going to grow and change over the next few years more than you could ever believe. I love you, I believe in you, I know you'll get through this. I'm sorry I wasnt super invested in some of your muses, you very clearly love rain more than anything and I really struggled to interact with her, not because of who she is but because of how emily kinney was her fc originally. I know its dumb and petty and I hate that it continued into when shed stopped being the main fc. Rain is a brilliant oc, I genuinely love her and her story. Shes developed, she clearly means the world to you. Tumblr, and quite frankly everywhere else, doesnt care about ocs. They dont care about multis. That puts the two of us in a tricky position. Dont give up on rain, dont give up on ocs. Dont give up on things you're passionate about. You have it in you to do incredible things.

@valorfated - ellie weve talked less lately and I want to apologize for that. Weve had issues in the past, the most obvious being the way I acted with the rph in 2017(?). Theres an age gap between us and clearly a maturity gap there too. Looking back on the way I acted and responded and avoided responsibility is clear. I am sorry for that, I know you were going through rough times and it was rude of me to try to make things go my way simply because you werent there to stop me. Its something I've been working on and I'd like to think I've grown as a person since then. I do want to tell you that you're an amazing writer, and I really hope things are going better for you. Writing beth and Maggie was a really great experience, I loved the dynamic because I've never had much of a bond with my own sister. You helped me realize how sisterly bonds should be and because of that I've started to work towards mending my relationship with my sister and its changing my life. Thank you, good luck with everything..

@gavinsaleks - I saved you for last because this might get long. I'm gonna avoid the literal thousand word letter I usually give you on your birthdays because wow I write a lot, but you already know by now that you've changed my life. The ocs we made meant the world to me and really taught me about relationships and perspectives and what's right and wrong in relationships. You, though, you taught me more. You gave me the courage to come out, you gave me the strength to stay alive in times where I felt like that was impossible, you gave me happiness that i never thought possible. I watched you grow up and you watched me mature and everything changed after meeting you. I never wouldve lasted on this site without you, or in real life really. You're an incredible girl and I really hope that I gave you the same happiness you gave me because you deserve it all and so much more.

[hypcbcasts-blog]

　　 　 ✫  + * 　 .    * oh my god im GAY!!! im gay henlo, geicos & gals!! the name’s saffron (they&them), ur local plant & bobby enthusiast, here with this mess of an idol ELI MOON!! eli’s a real piece of work & the gif above represents her like 10283728%,, also just . god bless sistar :-// tbh :-// (still not over it) i have a couple stats about ur local stargirl HERE & some wanted plots over HERE & im probably not gonna be on for interaction opening so ill queue a starter up, maybe?? maybe. but! if youre interested in what you find in the aforementioned links & what im finna ramble about under the cut feel free to smash that HEART button & i’ll get to you asap, trust :^) cheers!

eli (born ellie) moon was born in laguna beach, california, with surfers & a thriving lgbt community & lots & lots of days spent by the beach. she had a mom & dad & a younger brother, finn, all of whom she loves dearly

grew up very booksmart, to almost everyone’s surprise; ellie was top of her class all through high school & had close to zero friends because of how buried she had been in her subjects & schooling (ur typical,, Asian Nerd™ lmao)

but she found love in music, joining the glee club at her school & breaking out almost immediately; her glee club advisor was so thoroughly impressed by her that she was the one to suggest ellie try out for an entertainment company!!

so in her senior year she sent a video of herself singing to a few companies & heard back after she graduated from diamond entertainment first who were incredibly wowed by her, so she signed up straightaway!! with her familys support!! & moved out

ellie trained for about two & a half years before being put in lady luck alongside her partner! at that time ellie had been told that the image of cute & bubbly, shy & girly had been overdone, and lady luck was to be different

so from that point on ellie became known to the general public as eli moon, & she was meant to put up this sexy, alluring, flirty (though maybe even brainless) cool girl image which was still the furthest thing from who she was!! bitch jus wanted to eat jjangmyeon & sing & listen to soul music while still reading her novels & watching animal planet :-/

but she went along with it anyway because at this point she was so far in & couldnt just back out now you know what i mean :-//

so lady luck was a huge hit & for a while she was content with this persona & being cool on camera & managing to be herself off it!! but a year & a half in & falling into the wrong crowd here & there led her to really start going all out, experimenting with cigarettes & drugs & alcohol & discovering more about herself sexually & romantically

(though its worth mentioning at this point she doesnt know nor care about how she identifies or what shes really interested in?? it gives her a headache so she tends not to think about it)

at that eli started caring more about how she looked & what she was wearing than who she really was on the inside, becoming more superficial & fitting the flirty, ‘ airhead ‘ persona she had designed for herself to be like on camera; basically what she faked being like became what she really was

& while a part of her is aware of that & is begging herself to stop, well . the other part of her is too busy putting on makeup & taking a million selfies to care lol

personality wise eli is very superficial,, like thats probably the first thing that comes to mind when describing her. she cares a lot about her image & how good she looks, how fun & popular her instagram feed looks, & shes always decked out in the newest supreme clothing (of whom she is a brand ambassador, mind you) & is obsessed with looking good all the time

(she wont admit it though but a lot of her old self still hasnt been evicted completely; she still watches animal planet when she feels like it, & still blurts out random facts every once in a while . if youre a close friend youve probably seen the less self-conscious, less stupid side of her aoisjaoisj)

shes honestly super fuckin flirty without realizing it,, doesnt really know when to turn her on-camera persona off anymore, so she goes around causing scandals left & right because of how careless she is lmao . sleeps around with guys, girls, maybe even both at the same time because shes honestly spun out of control & doesnt know where to go next

underneath it all shes still very kind & warm-hearted; she knows what shes become & lowki hates it (& herself), but at the same time shes already here so [eli vc] fuck it amirite

if youve made it to the end congratulations

stan ikon, goodnight

[itslovewithyouthings]

Poetry Rx: Theres No Going Home In our column Poetry Rx readerswrite inwith a s… http://bit.ly/2VKU3ga

Poetry Rx: Theres No Going Home In our column Poetry Rx readerswrite inwith a specific emotion and our resident poetsSarah Kay Kaveh Akbar and Claire Schwartztake turns prescribing the perfect poems to match. This weekClaire Schwartz is on the line. Ellis Rosen Dear Poets I recently realized I wanted to be a poet. Is there a poem for getting over the fear that my poetry wont be good enough? Sincerely A Hopeful Poet Dear Hopeful Poet In a way every poem answers you. Every poem moves against or in spite of the fear that language is not equal to the task. You call yourself both hopeful and afraid. Perhaps fear and hope are two names for the same destination: the first shaped by a mindfulness of loss and the second by an awareness of presence. Fear like hope knows that something that matters is at stake. Fear then is not something to get over but might perhaps be differently held so that it positions you to move toward your desire. For you Ilya Kaminskys Authors Prayer which moves headfirst into the realm of loss naming it as the authors site of making: If I speak for the dead I must leave this animal of my body I must write the same poem over and over for an empty page is the white flag of their surrender. The impossible taskto speak for the deadforms the condition of the authors imperatives: I must I must Halfway through the poem the momentum from that original ifthe energy of that conditionalshifts. The poem steadies. The speaker affirms: Yes I live. Now the sincerity of obligation opens onto the exuberance of possibility: I can cross the streets asking What year is it?/I can dance in my sleep and laugh. And then ability makes way for commitment can moves to will: I will praise your madness and in a language not mine speak of music When the final line returns to the authors obligationthe darkest/days must I praisethat obligation now carries the incontrovertible fact of the authors living. To be a poet means to serve the work; sometimes the self gets in the way. If naming yourself poet amplifies the self in the form of self-doubt let the title go. Move tenderly toward a single word. Then the next. You will come into the word poet in your own time. But if naming yourself poet gives you intention offers you a map into the unknowable say your name Poet softly to steady yourself. Doubt is where creativity resides. If you already knew the answer you would not be making anything new. Yes you live. Now what do you want to make with your living? CS Dear Poets Im a homosexual man living in a country where homosexuality is referred to mostly as an insult or in offensive jokes. I have loving friends to whom Ive come out and they have been extremely supportive. But somewhere both within me and without theres this ineffable permanent void of fear self-doubt self-reproach and acute loneliness that at times seems to suck my very being inside of it. It leaves me in a hopeless pool of tears. I know that things will get better if I make the effort to find a romantic partner but somehow Im always already devoid of the strength and motivation to do so. Sometimes I feel this pain is self-inflicted. Do you have a poem that could be my companion in this distress? Yours Gay and Despondent Dear Gay and Despondent I hate that the free expression of love for you and for so many is disrupted. I hate how the violence of a closed-minded world can deform even our own relationship to our desire. I love that youve asked for a poem-as-companion to fortify you. I love how a poem can make room in my chest. Its a private offering to how I would like to live. Poems can forge what June Jordan calls living room an intimate space in which to be together to envision and enact other ways to be. I want to share with you a poem by Essex Hemphill whose language made living room in a nation that sought in many ways to kill him. A black gay man who died of AIDS-related complications Hemphill was intimately familiar with the shapes of Americas hatred. For you his American Wedding which finds and forges possibilities in the interstices of violence: No horsemen bearing terror no soldiers of doom will swoop in and sweep us apart. Theyre too busy looting the land to watch us. ………….. They dont know we are becoming powerful. Every time we kiss we confirm the new world coming. This is followed by the poems only stanza break which underlines the magnitude of that statement and maps something haunted. Twenty-three years after Hemphills death the new world he dreamed is still coming. Even as he imagined yet-to-arrive futures Hemphill claimed the wide province of his love for his own presentnot in the official language of the states flimsy promises but in the alternative ways of queer loving: What the rose whispers before blooming I vow to you. I give you my heart a safe house. I give you promises other than milk honey liberty. …………………….. I assume you will always be a free man with a dream. The dream exists even absent recognition. Hemphill and so many other queer writers and makersMelvin Dixon Adrienne Rich June Jordan Joseph Beam Audre Lorde Marlon Riggs Danez Smithsaw and see your desire. They know how beautiful your desire is. They join your company just as your letter joins Hemphills prayer: Long may we live to free this dream. CS Dear Poets For a year now Ive been living alone thousands of miles away from home for work and studies. Things are going well and it looks as though Ill be away even longer. I know I should be happythese opportunities are what I came here for. And while I am I also cant grapple with the thought that there is literally no going back. Everything at homewill keep moving without me. I dont fully belong here and I feel like I no longer belong there either. Im having a hard time explaining this to anyone. Is there a poem that could help me cope with this feeling? Yours Confused and In Between Dear Confused and In Between When I read your letter I thought immediately of these lines from Aracelis Girmays poem cycle Elelegy: Distance: my wealth/Distance: my grief. Distance carries many meanings. It makes sense that you feel conflicted. Its okay to both name your grief and celebrate your possibilities. To identify one doesnt erode the other. Trying to discipline feelings with should can be lonely-making. Should wont change your feeling but it will estrange you from it. (Yet another form of distance in a circumstance already formed by distance!) Im so glad youve asked not for a poem to obliterate the difficulty but for one that will help you better understand its shape. For you Natasha Tretheweys Theories of Time and Space which gets at precisely the impossibility of going back that youve named: You can get there from here though theres no going home. Everywhere you go will be somewhere youve never been. Tretheweys poem explores how experience is formed at the cross section of space and time so that when we say home we are also naming a moment; when we point to a memory and say then we also mean there. To be in between is to hold complexity. To hold complexity is to have many possible sites of connection. As Sarah Kay has beautifully written about hyphenated identities: Even if it feels like you dont come from one single place or that you do not belong to a home you can point to on a map all those en dashes help you form new homes everywhere you go. Or as Tretheweys poem teaches me everywhere youve been you are there waiting: On the dock Where you board the boat for Ship Island someone will take your picture: the photographwho you were will be waiting when you return CS Claire Schwartz is the author ofbound(Button Poetry 2018). Her poetry has appeared inApogeeBennington ReviewTheMassachusetts Review andPrairie Schooner and her essays reviews and interviews have appeared inTheIowa ReviewLos Angeles Review of BooksVirginia Quarterly Reviewand elsewhere. The post Poetry Rx: Theres No Going Home appeared first on GuaripeteMagazine.

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[survivor-iceland]

Ep. 11 - “Just because I am loud does not mean I am good at this game.” - Raffy

Raffy

I cannot believe that plan worked out. We got out Stephen, weakening Maynor's hold on this game which means that if he doesn't win this next immunity challenge then he's screwed. However, this next one is a doozy and I don't know if I can win this, but I am going to try my best. I just hope people credit me with this move since I managed to make the right social connections to do it. Timmy is big mad, but I think that is more towards Joseph than anything else. Either way, I am proud of myself for doing THAT. Nothing in my Survivor career will ever top this moment.

Jack

So the plan worked, Stephen got voted out (love you man) and thank fuckkkk because I got 3 votes. Joseph went for Timmy and that made Timmy mad at Joseph and I'm like *very innocently whistling* This challenge now o boyyyyy, hopefully maybe i can win maybe? Also i really like Timmy and Dylan but also Timmy is gonna kill me and i know it. He was so mad in the moment mannnn. 

Timmy

I am absolutely, positively livid. I’m thankful that it wasn’t me, but my god there are a lot of fake bitches here. Number 1 on that list is Raffy who was preaching about how they’re alone and there is no need to lie to them but then goes lying on all day. BITCH I WAS HONEST WITH YOU! I THOUGHT WE GOT THROUGH THAT SHIT! I guess fucking not though. I wanted an easy vote after the mess that was the last two but nope. And I get the irony here, trust me it’s not lost. I did it to them and this is karma and she’s really that bitch. But really, I’m just glad I still have my idol because I was real close to panic playing it. Number 2 is Joseph because he had the audacity to vote for me because the people who have been TARGETING HIM say that they have the numbers. And guess what, THEY LIED TO HIM. Literally a dumbass who will never win because they don’t understand any concepts of the game. Dylan is a huge threat right now because they are making moves and not staying true to alliances but being calculated about it. Dylan is riding the middle which right now seems like a good spot. I feel like it will put them in the target position that I had been in though, which could work for me. But I will not let Raffy skate by because he has people in jury who will vote for him. And raffy needs to go fast if there is another returning player just because it might be Zoe or John.

Dylan C

https://youtu.be/KkInofcSWYc

Maynor

Well. Back to the minority thanks to Joseph. Who honestly screwed over people who wanted to work with him till the end so he could help people who have said they wanted him out for forever. 🤷‍♂️ Im just whatever. Like if i dont win immunity, im most likely going home. And Joseph gets a free pass to f5 cuz the two next votes will be me and Timmy.

This challenge is just a huge ugh for me. I dont know why but everytime i have done this challenge, it always triggers a panic attack. Its a small one but affects my ability to do it when i mess up for the first time. I got to 29 sleds. Most likely not going to be enough to beat Jack or Raffy. Which sucks cuz i really needed this immunity.

Maynor

Hmm. I think i wont be able to pass my 29 sled score. Especially not in the state i am. The pressure i put on myself wasnt good. And has made me into a mess. I just feel bad. And i feel like i let Timmy down even though he has told me I didnt. For the challenge, i feel like Raffy or Jack will win. And Timmy n I will be the targets. No one in their right mind would vote off Joseph. He’s the goat people would take to the end to get zero votes. He really screwed his alliance for people who dont want to work with him. Im still going to fight but not going to fool myself its going to be tougher and gunna need lots of luck.

Raffy

This challenge broke me. I got up to mid-70s and then I fucked it up. And apparently someone was neck and neck with me. It was probably Timmy, and he is going to win immunity then use the idol on Maynor which is terrible. I fully think there is an idol in this game and it can only be used in these next two rounds so it is bound to happen. And I am just so tired and so done and so over it. I can't do it anymore. And I'm going to go to EoE and then have to battle against challenge powerhouses and I fgjkbf j, fsjfKD dkHV dhb KB If this is the challenge that causes my game to be over, I'm going to be pissed

Jack

So i somehow actually one the challenge (i legit thought I wasn't doing that well and then Jay's like "mate you're super ahead lmao") but I'm VERY glad i did, cause no way I didn't still have a target on my back. Now the likely shift will be onto Raffy, but we've got the stirrings of a plan to go for Timmy (love the guy, he just seems like he wants to murder me so) and go with the same voting block of Ellie, Raffy, Dylan and me, and then Joseph would maybe not be told the vote (sorry dude) and instead told that the votes smthn else, so in case Timmy has an idol he wont use it (but also like only 2 more councils to use it so like he might just anyways) but yeah. Also maybe spreading that were going to vote for Joseph actually tho, but idk. Gonna chat with Dylan and Ellie in the morning.

Raffy

I was so close to winning that challenge. I do not feel safe going into this round because I think that someone has an idol up their sleeve and they are bound to use it either during this round or the next. I want to split the vote between Maynor and Timmy, but last time I tried to organize a split vote, one of my closest allies went home. Ideally, we have me, Jack, and Dylan vote for Maynor while Ellie/Joseph vote for Timmy. However, Joseph probably feels betrayed after last round so he will probably join Timmy's and Maynor's side. I think we all need to stack our votes on one person for the best success, but I'm so scared of an idol rn that it is crazy. Idol paranoia is at an all-time high. 

Raffy

I do not know why I am a front runner in this game when people like Dylan, Jack, and Ellie exist who are the ones doing the actual work. In fact, I should not even be a target. Just because I am loud does not mean I am good at this game. Either way, at least it means I have a good chance of victory if I make it to FTC, but that is a hard IF. 

Ellie and Dylan were talking, and they determined that a split vote, while risky, is probably necessary. Our main target right now is Maynor, but we are splitting it between him and Timmy. We want to keep Joseph in the dark about who the target is because I don't necessarily trust him with that information. So, we are going to tell him that it is Timmy, but three of us are going to vote for Maynor while another one votes for Timmy. This creates a 3-2-2 if Joseph goes along with the plan. And, if he back stabs us, it creates' a 3-3-1 with a tie for insurance. This is in case of an idol because if Joseph back stabs us then that means they will think it is Timmy which means, if they have an idol, they will use it on Timmy, not Maynor. This plan has its risk, but sometimes you have to take risks in this game like last time. 

Raffy

Maynor asked me to vote him out. This is strange because his reasoning is that he feels like he screwed over Timmy's game and he wants to give Timmy more chances in this game than himself. I find this incredibly suspicious because this could very well be a ploy to use the idol correctly in order to idol someone out, probably me. If this were a trick, it's a dirty trick that I cannot respect. I would like to believe him and make this an easy tribal, but this is just odd from my standpoint. 

Jack

Okay so plan rn is voting 3 (Joseph, Ellie, Raffy) onto Maynor and 2 (Me, Dylan) onto Timmy, in case one had an idol. No hard feelings for either just how it goes. I'm so freaking glad i've got immunity tonight mannnn. Also I've still got my idol so that's a thing. I'm pretty confident tonight be who knows man, Joseph's a bit of a wild card and Dylan could flip. Also love Maynor but hes gonna do a win mannnn.

Raffy

I told Joseph about the split vote because I do not believe lying is necessary anymore. Maynor knows he is going home, so he is going to use an idol on himself either way. And Joseph seemed down as long as he got to vote Maynor. This could end up blowing up in my face, but this will come back to haunt these people in the form of my bitterness.

Maynor

This tribal is gunna be extremely messy and i love it cuz there is a chance that me and Timmy can stay in the game. I knew that Dylan Effie Raffy and Jack are splitting votes. Also have asked Joseph to join them. So they wanna split 3-2 with me going home. Kinda my doing cuz told Raffy to vote for me. But Joseph is gunna vote with Me and Timmy and vote Dylan. So the vote should be 3-3-1 unless they have Joseph in the majority vote if they do then the vote would end up being 3-2-2 amd Dylan goes home. Timmy says hes gunna play his idol but doesnt know on who yet. We are assuming right now that im getting the majority. So hoping so we can pull of this amazing blindside. 3 blindside in the first 4 merge vote. We are some crackheads.

Timmy

This tribal is going to be a mess. Should I play my idol, should I not, I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. And now I have to put my faith in Joseph...THE SAME JOSEPH WHO FUCKED ME OVER LAST ROUND. Like what even is this game. Either way Maynor and I want Dylan gone and everyone else except maybe Joseph wants myself or Maynor gone. If we can get through this without needing to use the idol it'll be a miracle.

Ellie

What the fuck is it with Raffy and last minute decisions???? Stick with the plan dude pretty pleaseeeeeee

Raffy

At least I was not screwed over by the idol. I still have the numbers with Jack and Ellie. So, next round I either need the idol or win immunity. Or both.