#does anyone read my tag rambles or am i talking to myself?

[spideronthesun]

OC Deep Dive

Thank you for tagging me lovely @mrbexwrites ! (here)

Rules: answer the following questions for your OCs

Passing the torch over to @satohqbanana @addomfarm-ogf-updates @alintalzin @cain-e-brookman @illarian-rambling

I did a lot of editing today, so I am going to put myself in Adamas' shoes. I worked the most on the chapters featuring him. Putting my answers under read more.

What uncommon/common fear do they have?

Drowning. It is not as if he is scared of water, but he doesn't go near it unless he is with someone else. He had an accident when he was younger, and he was never able to face it properly. He still doesn't know how to swim to this day.

Do they have any pet peeves?

No, in fact he's incredibly patient. He doesn't care if someone chews very loudly in front of him, or talks to him when he's studying. He will even give people a second chance when they mess up. And he won't hold it against them. Meanwhile, his brothers are full of pet peeves. Robertas dislikes it when someone plays music on a loud speaker instead of using headphones, Edvardas hates it when people talk shit about other people behind their backs, Nikolas doesn't like it when someone touches them, Danielius loathes being interrupted.

What are 3 items you can find in their bedroom?

You're definitely going to find posters on his wall, journals and notebooks on his nightstand, as well as a bottle of cold water every night.

What do they notice first in a person?

Their shoes. He sometimes struggles making eye contact when he's nervous. Please don't hold it against him.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how high is their pain tolerance?

4 to 5? It really depends. Burning his tongue with hot water or scalding his hand won't probably bother him that much. He will hardly notice that it even happened. But being punched does phase him.

Do they go into fight or flight mode when under pressure?

Much to his surprise, he gets into fight mode. But he does hate confrontation and would rather not fight anyone. He hates it when someone in front of him starts fighting. Makes him nervous. But he will also defend those he cares about.

Do they come from a big family/are they a family person?

Both. He comes from a big family, as he has got four brothers, and he is the second youngest in the family. But he's also a family person. He's used to people coming and going in his life, but he will always welcome at the doorstep even if they decide to show up like five years later after not speaking.

What animal represents them best?

Bear. He also gives great hugs!

What is a smell that they dislike?

Alcohol. He's just not a big fan of anyone drinking in front of him. It makes him anxious. And he will probably end up spilling the drink behind your back.

Have they broken any bones?

Nope!

How would a stranger likely describe them?

Shy, silent, a little bit awkward, usually keeps to himself.

Are they a night owl or a morning bird?

Night owl. He doesn't even notice that he has stayed up until the sun starts coming out and he hears footsteps of someone getting ready to work behind the closed door.

What is a flavor they hate and a flavor they love?

Love - chocolate, because who doesn't love chocolate?

Hate - tomatoes.

Do they have any hobbies?

He likes to read and write in his own time. In fact, he's a journalist, so he has a very inquisitive nature about him, and he likes to work on his articles. He likes learning about the people no matter how weird they might appear to the outer world. He feels like he always learns something new from the people he interviews.

Boom, surprise birthday party! How do they react to surprises?

Happily! While he doesn't like surprises very much, Adamas is still very receptive to them, and he's more than happy to celebrate his birthday with his loved ones. He knows that a lot of thought went into preparations.

Do they like to wear jewelry?

Only bracelets. And a necklace his best friend gave him.

Do they have neat or messy handwriting?

Adamas has a neat handwriting. The messiest handwriting in the family belongs to Edvardas after all. No one can ever decipher what he wrote. Not even him.

What are the two emotions they feel the most?

Peace and curiosity.

Do they have a favorite fabric?

Uh... knits? He likes sweater season.

What kind of accent do they have?

He has aukštaitiškas accent, as he grew up in the north-east side of Lithuania.

[our-aroace-experience]

Hi! I was on the asexual tag saw this blog and just wanted to see if anyone else who is aspec can relate to my ramblings. Rambling tldr: not claiming a label despite that label actually relating to my experiences because it just doesn't fit perfect enough and because it doesn't fit perfect enough in my mind I don't think I want to use it.

Now, back in 2020 I claimed being 'asexual' by name and then a couple of months later claimed being aroflux which eventually changed to 'greyaro' over a year later. And those two terms fit me the best, grey aro ace is me. However, because I'm greyaro I still feel romantic attraction though it is rare but its still present enough in my mind to continually be wondering about what label to put it as. For the most part, I don't have a label even when the attraction - romantic/sensual/alterous/aesthetic - arises. Which again doesn't rise often, but I daydream about it a lot or reminisce about old crushes - particularly the one about a girl way back in high school days. (Let me tell you that was a wild time in my mind). Back then I was thinking I was bisexual only to cancel it out because I didn't want to have sex with her. However I never questioned if I wanted to have sex with boys (I just assumed I would, thanks heteroallonormativity). But the romantic feelings I had for her were the same like the boy crushes (which came up every few years). And for a timeline purposes, before her my last crush (boy) was in the 7th grade, she was the 11th grade, and my last crush currently was senior year of undergrad college (the best one honestly I could actually talk to him and not be overly ridden with anxiety and embarrassment). And despite so many years passing I always wonder - does the bi label fit? Was that with her an bi experience? I know its whatever I feel like it was but also I'm wondering if my hesitation is because deep down having that bi label attached makes the 'im not straight' thought more permanent? If that makes sense? Like 'im not straight' in any way, not even hetero aro/ace? And maybe that thought just makes my head spin a little. I thought about the pan label too; but when I read the definition to see the differences between bi and pan I realized that pan definition doesn't connect the closest but bi does. However I still can't always make it fit. It's like when I was going by aroflux despite the fact it did not fit for me, it was clunky in my brain calling myself that. But then I read about grey-aromantic and it fit perfect! But not my romantic orientation is still in murky waters; I ID as a girl so for the most part of my life boys have been what I've been romantically attracted to, however hetero isn't me. I usually just go as fluid for all my attraction titles which I do like but that opens up more discussion of "okay, but who, what gender?" So in that case I guess bi would be the correct answer...despite the fact gender doesn't play a part (hence fluid label I go with and or queer) but it isn't all genders I fall for, I lean in some directions more than others. So it kind of does, doesn't it? But again I'm like "....meh it just doesn't fit/doesn't fit the way I want." And I am one of those people who agree that you don't have to use every label or any label including micro (for example, aegosexual I can relate to but I don't feel the need to have two microlabels) however, once I start thinking in depth I start to question myself as I do because I'm a thinker. And I think a lot because in real life I'm not in the space where I can speak about this openly with the people in my life.

Wonder if anyone else has had something like this on and off throughout their life too?

Thanks for listening~

you can be bi and greyromantic at the same time, if that helps! but not wanting labels is totally valid and if that feels best then go for it!

[volterran-wine]

| 20 questions for fic writers

Thank you very much for tagging me @agirllovespancakes . And apologies for this being exceptionally late!

To not clutter everyone's feeds terribly I have put everything below the 'keep reading'. Do take a look if you want to read my ramblings as well as getting to know my brain a little more intimately.

I even discuss some of my other fandoms and expose myself as somewhat of a shipper.

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

Currently I have nine works up on Archive of Our Own

2. What's your total ao3 word count?

37,793 words and counting, now my word count on this blog however... I dread thinking about it.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently I have only ever written for Twilight, though I have outlines and ideas for other fandoms. Among others;

Hunger Games

Final Fantasy VII

Pokemon

Lord Of The Rings

4. Top 5 fics by kudos

The Hands of Time (98)

I Gave You My Heart (62)

Equinox (45)

Snowfall (39)

If These Walls Could Talk (34)

5. Do you respond to comments?

... I am absolutely atrocious at replying on AO3, while on tumblr I have been slightly better at keeping up with feedback. I greatly appreciate every comment however.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

It has to be "Didyme's Demise". The short story details how she has faith in her dear brother, and does not even see her murder come.

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

... I do not understand this concept. Though I guess "I Gave You My Heart" has a bittersweet ending.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I do not believe I have received direct hatred towards anything I have ever posted or written.

9. Do you write smut?

Yes, though I have crossed more into the... emotional/romantic sphere than the hardcore smut genre.

10. Craziest crossover?

... No crossovers so far.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I have experienced people pilfering my edits and graphics, but never any of my written work. That is something I am thankful for.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, but I am not against the practice as long as credit is given.

13. Have you co-written a fic before?

Never! Though I really wish to do a collaboration at some point. Though, a little thing I am finishing up has a lot of influence from a dear friend; with one of their own OC's making an appearance. A blending of verses if you may.

14. All time favorite ship?

I have never been a huge shipper within fandom spaces, nor do I have a one true pairing (do we still use OTP?) I will throw down over. Most of the time I find myself shipping characters with comfort, happiness and mental stability these days. Instead of one ship I will give a little list of ships I have read about the last decade and a half, exposing some of my previous and current fandoms...

Carlisle/Aro (Twilight)

Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)

Haruhi/Kyoya (OHSHC)

Rufus Shinra/Tseng (Final Fantasy VII)

Clarke Griffin/Lexa (The 100)

Yuri Katsuki/Victor Nikiforov (Yuri On Ice)

Chise Hatori/Elias Ainsworth (The Ancient Magus' Bride)

Oikawa Toru/Happiness&Success (Haikyu!!)

Also, someone recently dragged me into JJK, and I think anyone in the know understand why I cannot look away from the absolute tragedy that is Geto and Gojo, wether it be platonic or something more.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will

There is a work hidden in my vault that was begun while I was friends with someone. Now, this friendship has since turned sour, and because of that I do not know if it will see the light of day. It is Twilight related but it is centred around The Romanians.

16. What are your writing strengths?

The most common compliment I receive is "Beautiful", and seeing as though beauty is in the eye of the beholder I am inclined to say my strength is different for different people.

Personally I believe I have quite a good vocabulary, as well as being good with my metaphors.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Fast paced action rarely works well with my borderline purple prose, which is why some of my works sometimes feel very different in my opinion. The New Moon rewrite has a lot more action instead of introspection and feelings, that is a challenge for me.

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language

If you do decide to add dialogue in another language; confer with someone who speaks said language if you are able to. Or, at the very least, do a lot of research so it does not sound off or out of character. The few times I have used Greek I have asked people who are native speakers for help!

Personally I think it can add a nice touch as long as it is not overdone.

19. First fandom you wrote for

Twilight! While I have been a part of fandom spaces ever since I was 12/13 this is the first time I created any sort of content for others to enjoy.

20. Favorite fic you've written

Of the ones that have been finished and published it has to be "He Loves Power, A Terrible Love". That piece will forever have my heart, and whenever i feel discouraged about my writing I return to it. It reminds me that my writing is in fact not half bad. Though I do believe a fanfic in the works called "As Above, So Below" will knock it down from its throne.

That one will have people showing up outside my house with pitchforks.

No pressure tagging

Anyone who feels inclined to join in on the fun!

[pomefioredove]

Hello! It's been awhile since I've gotten a matchup done from anyone, and I really like your writing, so I'd thought I'd ask for one!

Congratulations on 500 followers by the way!!

If I were to describe myself and my personality, I think it would overall be "quiet." I very much keep to myself and don't make much of an attempt at talking to other people, but that would be because I have lingering social anxiety from my childhood. I am actually very fond of talking to new people and making conversation, but I much prefer to do that alongside someone I know. I enjoy my space and my time to myself, but I also value anyone I call "my people" (whether it be friends or family) an incredible amount and love to spend time with them.

Another thing about me is the way I love. I, for a lack of a better term, do not love gently. Once I love someone (in any way) I will never, ever, stop. No matter what. This has hurt me before, and because of this, I guard my heart very closely, and it will likely take very clear intentions from someone to convince me to let them in.

As for my interests and hobbies, I can't say that I'm all that exciting, but I do love what I do anyway. I work in a greenhouse, and was raised by a mother who loves to forage plants and mushrooms to make medical and herbal tinctures out of them! (Or just to eat lol) My hobbies include reading, drawing, and a liiiiittle bit of writing (...of any kind, really. Small poems, mini songs, ficlets... the works). Recently I've gotten into sewing as well, and I'm really enjoying it!

My lifestyle is, like me, very quiet. I live in a very small village (yes an actual village) several miles away from any real towns, so not a lot goes on around where I am. Many would consider it rather boring, and I'm probably due for some change someday (I anticipate it, really), but I'm very content with what I have right now.

And last but not least, I'm female, around 5'8"-5'9" (173 to 175 cm), have several moles dotting around here and there, and... I suppose I like to dress rather nicely? It's something I've been doing lately and I'm enjoying it quite a bit haha. If I were to describe my current style it would probably be "elegant and comfortable." Nicknames are basically second nature to me, so I often call people "dear, darling, honey, love," etc. If they're special to me, I'll tag on "my" at the beginning; "my dear, my darling, my love..." You get the idea! A last tidbit is that my love language is primarily physical touch. It's practically the life blood of the way I show affection lol.

Thank you for letting me ramble! I kind of also took this as a chance to figure out how to describe myself again lol. Take your time answering this, since I know I kind of packed a lot in here. As for what kind of matchup I want, romantic would be wonderful, and anyone in your default list will be just fine! (I love the staff, but like, platonically, you know?)

I match you with 𝐑𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐇𝐮𝐧𝐭

The First Impression:

Intentions don't come any clearer than from Rook. Oh, how your beauty makes him weep! Your appreciation of nature! Your love for his favorite arts!

How does he already know all that? ...Better not to question it.

Why He Fell:

Rook has an eye for beauty, which includes both outer and inner. Your elegant sense of style, combined with your natural kindness, you're the best parts of everything he loves all in one!

Perhaps it's your love of writing, or your knowledge around nature, or your shared affinity for terms of endearment, but Rook is simply drawn to you as if you're a part of him. It's a lovely, natural feeling to him, and once he's sure, he's more than clear about his intentions.

The Relationship:

Rook is truly just happy to be with you. He'll accompany you on a foraging trip through the woods, he'll indulge you in as much physical affection as you would enjoy, or he'll give you your much needed alone time when required (he understands that feeling perfectly, after all).

There is a shared sense of devotion between the two of you, one in which you know that he would never cause you any intentional harm. Rook is simply enamored with you, from your quiet disposition to the intense ways in which you feel and express love.

[kaylinalexanderbooks]

Find the word

Thanks to my very dear @gracehosborn for the tag!

I am very slowly catching up on these - I have way too many saved

But the good news is my drafts are slowly starting to clear

My words: run, blood, clear, realization

Your words: intense, devote, sign, bare

Tagging @writernopal @writeintrees @ohnomybreadsticks @oh-no-another-idea @the-stray-storyteller @pluppsauthor @orphanheirs @memento-morri-writes @rjcopeseethemald @revenantlore + anyone else who wants to!

TSP intro

TSP tag list (ask to be +/-): @thepeculiarbird @illarian-rambling @televisionjester @finchwrites

Keep reading for:

Lexi looks for Ash

Meet Wade and Parker

Lexi and Ash discover the gateway

Gwen gets a mini-lesson in Alii powers

Run - from The Secret Portal Part One (Lexi POV)

I gave Carla Baxter a half-smile back, turned around, and headed in the direction she had pointed. As I walked away, I couldn’t help but wonder if she told the truth about Ash’s whereabouts. But what choice did I have? It was the only lead to find Ash. Unless Carla Baxter took Ash herself. But that was a worst-case scenario, and if true, I’d run back and rescue her myself. I reached the forest’s edge, frantically looking around. The brilliant colors that captured my aesthetic attention upon my arrival were now nauseous and overstimulating. I closed my eyes, reaching my hand up to pull and twist my braids. I took a deep breath before opening my eyes. “Ash!” I yelled as I cupped my hands to my mouth. I was met with silence. Obviously, I scolded myself. Why the frick would she be here? The forest was dense and vast—she could theoretically be anywhere. Clues. Maybe there would be a sign of the direction she went. I looked down to see if there were any imprints where she may have stepped. Most of the ground appeared untouched, but my eyes rested on a patch of flattened red ferns a few yards away. I ran toward them, then kept looking at the forest floor. The colorful leaves covering the ground appeared crunched, like someone had staggered through them shortly before I arrived. I followed the path they appeared to make. “Ash!” I called, hoping I was closer. Still, there was nothing.

Blood - from The Secret Portal Part One (Gwen POV)

“Do it!” Parker said to the blond without missing a step. “Man, I don’t—” “You gotta practice, Wade.” Parker reared back his arms over his shoulder before thrusting forward, his arms out and stance strong. A strong wind blew across the room, and I could feel it from where I stood. Wade’s hair blustered around his face, and he held up his arms in a protective “X” in front of his face. He pushed forward against the wind. Once close to Parker, Wade punched the kid in the face, sending Parker over the barricade. I let out a squeak of alarm, bringing my hands up to my mouth as Parker crumpled beside me. As I wondered if I’d have to perform more first aid, and despite the blood on his face, Parker laughed. “Finally,” he said as Wade leapt over the barricade and went to Parker’s side. “Yo, it’s been years and you finally give it your all.” “That wasn't my all,” Wade said, holding his palm over Parker’s face. A white light glowed around his hand. “I’ve tackled people much bigger than your string-bean self to the ground.” “Yeah, but they were wearing football gear.” “Stop talking,” Wade instructed. “You’re gonna mess up the healing.”

Clear - from The Secret Portal Part One (Lexi POV)

“It seems weird,” I said looking at her as I turned around the corner of the school. “Like—ah!” My boot got caught on the grass, causing my feet to slip. I tumbled onto the ground and dropped my violin, the “oof!” that followed indicating Ash tripped over the sturdy case. It was eerily quiet and the smell of the exhaust was gone. I became hyper-aware of the grass I lay in and shot up to a seated position, jumping when I realized nothing was in sight but a dizzyingly-clear horizon. Ash groaned beside me. “Since when does Falcon have grass—” She cut herself off as she pushed herself upright, taking in the sudden new scenery. We sat in the middle of a seemingly endless field. The grass that stretched in each direction appeared freshly mowed, though it lacked the smell that usually came with it. Instead, a chillingly sterile air hit my nose. “Ash,” I asked, low-key freaking out, “where are we?” Ash looked around. “Where did—how did we get here? Where’s the school?” I couldn’t answer. The sun that had been burning in the late afternoon was no longer casting a deathly heat paired with Houston humidity. In fact, looking up, the burning mass seemed to be missing, despite the sky being a soft periwinkle.

Realization - from The Secret Portal Part One (Akash POV)

I turned my head to see Gwen crouching down beside Robbie. “What’re you two doing here?” “Following you,” I admitted. “Do you know what the freak-out is about?” I shook my head. “Probably a Class Four.” Gwen furrowed her eyebrows. “Class Four?” “The rarest powers,” I explained. I gestured to Robbie. “Like energy conversion. Or dimensiokinesis, like your friend Rosalinda.” “Is that a power?” Gwen asked. “It sounds like you smashed a keyboard.” “Dimensio-kinesis,” I repeated slower. “Basically Rosalinda can sense other universes and dimensions and probably cross to them.” Gwen’s eyebrows shot up and her mouth dropped in realization. “I think that’s how she managed to get us to Alium! Rose saw a mirage before anyone else, she heard a hum no one else heard!” Gwen smiled. “Oh my gosh, this all makes sense now!” “Hey, will you two please stop jabbering?” Robbie hissed. “They’re talking!”

[lost-in-fandoms]

Esi - 28 (allegedly) -she/any

My stuff:

-I write ficlets and rambling ideas (mostly maxiel) under #my writing. Some even less refined things under #au ideas. I do have an ao3 account, but I don't post on there, I only use it to read/comment. If that changes I will update this

-Sometimes I web weave (#web weaving)

-Very rarely I paint (#my art)

Some warnings+tag system under the cut!

-I am currently deep into f1, so most of my post are related to that, but this is overall a multifandom space

-I talk a lot during race weekends but I tag everything with #f1 lvb if you want to mute that

-I also talk a lot during not race weekends and my tag for my normal ramblings is #personal t if you also want to mute that (no hard feelings at all!)

-this is not a completely safe space for anyone who isn’t strictly a Max fan, but I do try not to be a hater too hard, and if I am I usually put it under a read more and warn beforehand. It can happen sometimes, especially if a driver does something that really pisses me off, but I do try to limit it or at least tag it appropriately. having said that, this is not a safe space for lan**o or checo's fans. might change in the future but he's currently on the shit list.

-I don't promise any continuation for any of the ficlets I post. As much as I'd like to post something "complete", I refuse to force myself to write something, so I write anything that wants to get written. Having said that, I am always super down to talk about any of them if someone shoots me an ask or a dm!

Tag system:

-I tag drivers as their initials+number (ex: #mv33) or full names for some past drivers (ex: #mark webber).

-f1 fic recs are under #f1 fic rec and I usually also tag the pairing

-every fandom is tagged with a more general tag (ex: #f1 or #lotr) included kpop groups (ex: #ateez)

-in general most things are tagged, but if someone needs me to tag a specific trigger or person for any reason, I am more than happy to! tumblr's tag system is one of my favorite things for a reason!

And finally my most important tag!

[bluewinnerangel]

right back at ya cowboy

Omg ella I'm so sorry I was gonna do this "later" and then it got buried. OK. I clicked. EDIT: I JUST FOUND THIS IN MY DRAFTS IM DOUBLE SORRY lol imma expose my ramble draft

[So in case someone's reading this thinking ???? we sometimes throw a spinning wheel of songs at each other and then just go rambling yelling analysing whatever it gives back. I've kept track with this tag, feel free to copy any of them wheels links and go off or bug someone with it actually pls do]

Oh you mean that song I for some reason like some total idiot put on first thing in the morning and just bawl my eyes out, you know when its so early you're just so vulnerable and everything feels raw and there's no thoughts just something primal happens and it's me drowning myself in this song and then the day can start I guess am I fine nobody knows. It's now my Saturday morning ritual where before coffee I see some sun and I just bawl there's something therapeutic about it. I'd recommend it. Just some sun some coffee brewin some confused pet wondering if you're OK yeah.

Anyway. The song I can place extremely easily in like "1d ended and it sucked" context, but it works with a lot. whatever I can think of him, or anyone, writing about, whatever it means to me. (general Louis' songwriting ramble incoming:) I'm looking at FITF differently compared to Walls and previous work and he's approached it differently, I feel like what he's been saying about his discography fits that as well. I think (this is a mash of what i think to hear in his lyrics and in interviews, so heavy paraphrasing:) before he had this idea he should be writing where the whole thing makes sense to be about this one situation/idea and it has to be about him too and sure perhaps a context might have been written around it, but i think in the past hes been pretty perfectionist on having every single line fit the thing he was thinking of what that song is, and now thats no longer the case. Now it's whatever works, whatever hits, feels, does it. It doesn't matter one thought/situation flows into another.

I guess that was a long rambley way of saying I wanna do line by line lyric analyses of his stuff but I don't know how to make that work as it did previously, for me at least. But on the other by temporarily running with one interpretation and seeing what you can find in the lines can really help see more angles, bring more depth to the line, and consider other meanings and stuff so.. idk not much wrong with it. I wanna do that too I think. This is I guess A Promise I'll do a Holding On To Heartache lyric breakdown. At Some Point. :D

But I think his choices of words and soundscapes and perhaps all them being little references are just wonderful. I cherish it so much. I'm slightly afraid he did the same in Perfect Now (like after seeing a web of possible perfect now lyrical referencing that song did become one of my favs as I love that idea like it gives so much more body depth meaning whatever to a song to me even if not on purpose lol its not even relevant at that point anymore anyway) and long term didn't value it much so now I'm afraid my new little more poppy fav will be his new neglected child but time will tell. Just... have an itch. Rip. EDIT yeah that itch got worse because of the track by track we got now.. it's got that bit about HOTH being a poppy one and the way he's talking about it sigh i feel him but sigh also hes sigh i dont wannt start that discourse over that shit so no. but itch. I uh... luckily don't let how I interpret his reactions to his own songs affect the way I feel about his own songs haha brainpayne this.

ok ok ok last ramble it sounds so fucking liquid? so wet?? how do I explain this why does it sound w e t EDIT: help me he said the sound is like a guitar under water like he's drowning it's flooding we're in a puddle of tears this song, it's what makes me bawl I think, because the song sounds like bawling, and your cheeks are puffed up and we,t and you find a moment of quiet and stare up at the sky with your wet lashes exhausted defeated but you're still here you're still breathing. Also the bridge with the "space between us just comes FLOODING back" at the end of it, it's not the bit that hits the hardest in an obvious way, instead it kinda gets overlooked a way, theres no moment to sit and waddle in the SHIT FLOODING BACK RIGHT THERE it just goes right into the quiet bit again,there's no time given to recover from getting crushed by the wavesm and it just does something to me... I can't leave that bit as the little end of a big thought it sounds like, but the way its sung... time just keeps ticking and we're at the end. I'm almost sure that wasn't intentional and like @ me why focus on this of all the overwhelm that's in this song, but that just feels like a reflection of the feeling I get from this song, you're just fucking sitting there in the middle of this overwhelming ache these waves of hurt and shit just moves on and youre just there stuck there with but i wasn't done? But I guess I should be? Like there's no room for me drowning in this even more but I feel like I need to still?

ramble out.

[aberrantmood]

A little bit about me! (That isn't already on my carrd) WARNING: I'm a multi-paragraph texter. This introduction may be a bit longer than common intro posts you'd come across, which is something that some people enjoy more than others. With that in mind, if you aren't willing to read at least my opinions/stances or carrd, you won't have the best time here.

In short, I can’t force you to read anything here. However, anything you come across on my blog that’s unsavory, uncomfortable, or you don’t agree with, I already warned about beforehand on this pinned post. 🍵 What's my general "vibe?" Grew up catholic, now I'm someone the priests I grew up with want burnt on a stake. I also often put my filter on the back burner when it comes to sexual topics. Although, because of that, I'm proud to say that various friends of mine have become more open with not only talking about their sexual thoughts and/or experiences, they've also become more comfortable and―dare I say―confident with themselves. I'm the one they come to if they're unsure of which toy to buy and if they're too scared to order/buy one themselves. I'm the one they come to if they need sexual advice, I'm the one they (specifically my writer friends) come to when they wanna ramble about their OCs sexual preferences and interests. Hence, I will absolutely be that same friend towards anyone who decides "Hey, her blog is pretty chill. I'll stick around."

🍵 Why am I on tumblr? To talk about sex and, hopefully, help break the stigma a little bit behind it. I'm hoping my frequent talk about it will help not only others out there feel more open―just as it did with my friends―but at least relieved to know that they aren't alone in any kinks they may have (and that they're completely valid, at that). I actually highly recommend Evie Lupine if you're looking for further and more in-depth kink education. She's asexual, too! Kinky asexuals aren't commonly known of nor talked about, and she plans to break that. So, despite not being asexual myself―she taught me a lot about the asexual spectrum community, and helped me immensely with fighting the common guilt that comes with being kinky. I highly, highly recommend her. I'm also here to spread education about LGBTQ+―specifically us Aromantic Allosexuals, which I am. "Aromantic Allopansexual," to be specific. I don't only post about sex and my sexual identity, though. I also may post about my personal interests/hobbies, which you can find on my carrd. Main topics might be about horror, as I've been a huge fan of it since toddler age.

🍵 What am I into (NSFW wise)? In short, I'm a "pillow princess" submissive. A sub is self-explanatory. For pillow princess though―to me, "pillow princess" means I'm all for receiving oral, but have an uncontrollable repulsion to giving it. I used to beat myself up for that, thanks to the common "give what you get" expectation when it comes to oral, but came to accept it. That I not only can't help my repulsion, but shouldn't "have" to do anything in sex I'm not comfortable with. That it does not make me boring or selfish. To anyone who's similar: I hear you. I understand you. And I promise you, there are many people out there entirely into it. Though I am curious to try out deepthroating a dick or strap-on, as I frequently do in my fantasies―a real dick would have to fit my personal bill of attractive to even want to touch it. As said before, though, there are people entirely into it. Hence, I prefer only sleeping with partners who don't want their own genitals touched. As I'll admit that giving-oral-repulsion guilt still lingers from time to time. But if I'm with a partner who doesn't want their genitals touched in the first place, it really shuts that inner guilt off. (Stone tops, we stand in solidarity). And as you can probably tell, I'm more than open with my insecurities. Please feel free to be on my blog as well. Kink wise and a more in depth list? Here's a document, if you're curious. 🍵 Tags? • #askLeda for my asks and answers. • #nsft for "not safe for tumblr/not safe for work" related posts. Mainly humerous/not so serious posts. • #sexualfantasy for, as it says, posts related to my fantasies. • #aromantic or #aroallo for Aromantic related posts. • #sexualeducation or #ethicalkink for, also, just as it says on the tin. Educational and encouragement, and potential ramblings/rants, of healthy practices when it comes to sex of all kinds. Be it vanilla or kinky. • #toyrec for adult toy recommendations and reviews.

• #Ledastunes for songs I'm either currently listening to on repeat, and/or just wanna recommend. 🍵 Some opinions/stances? • Sex and romance are not inherently bad. While the way that society, at large, interacts with them is flawed (e.g: toxic monogamy/amatonormativity)―completely getting rid of them is far from the solution. • Sex repulsion/aversion is not an excuse for sex negativity. (e.g: "Eww! People have sex?! Y'all are disgusting!") • Children shouldn't be sheltered from the topic of sex. And around teenage years, they should feel comfortable enough to ask you for a toy or advice. If your child grows up fearing you'll be disgusted by them, then I firmly believe you fucked up there. • As kinky and kink positive I am, kink should never be a replacement for therapy. • But with that in mind, kink (especially edgier/violent leaning ones) are far from inherently misogynistic and are a sign you need your head checked/of mental illness. Anti-kinksters and radical feminists tend to have this viewpoint. So, and I say this as respectfully as possible, leave my blog if you fit any of those bills.

• “Virginity” is not medically real. It’s not a medical term, and it’s not based on any scientifical evidence. Instead, virginity is a social and cultural concept that is more important in some cultures and religions than in others. Particularly, purity culture. • Doms using safe words/hand signs/etc is absolutely necessary. The sub isn't the only one in control―both (or all) parties are. Each person in a power play dynamic absolutely deserve, and need, a safe word/hand sign/whatever. Including sadists. Far too many people (especially newcomers) in the BDSM community either aren't aware that doms, too, need check-ins and tap outs. Then once some people/subs do learn about/experience that, they scoff. This all goes for aftercare, too. • You aren't "sex positive" as you may think if you're anti-kink. I don't care if it's for personal reasons (in that case, that's called projection)―if your argument is "I support x because x is better than y" then you actually don't support x, and should maybe reconsider your stances and views. "Oh, have as much sex as you want! That's totally great for you! So long as it doesn't involve any kinks like masochism or anything. That's for brainwashed and gross people who are just inherently harming their mental state or are inherently abusers, haha :)" We've been told that sex is degrading and takes away a person's value one way or another, and we’ve finally come to recognize that that's an awful viewpoint to hold. But instead of saying "no, that's not true" and instead saying "yeah, it's true, but not under these conditions" and you think you've made it better? Once again, I would highly recommend sitting back and listening to those with different experiences and thoughts. • You aren't supportive of aromantics and "all complex queer identities" until you learn and accept that not every aromantic is asexual. Neither that all aroallos are bi/pan/lesbian/etc―some are heterosexual, yet still absolutely belong in the community. Aromantic, in of itself, is a queer identity. 🍵 QUCK NOTE: Trans women, you are absolutely loved and welcome here, and it will be kept that way. I say that as not only a promise, but a threat towards any transphobes reading. Mark my words, I will not tolerate any hate towards my trans sisters on my fucking blog. 🍵 Rules for asking/interacting: Here.

[irkenlost]

Welcome To The BLOG

Hello and WELCOME to The BLOG.

This is a side blog directed to my Zim/Irken kintype and where I just kinda ramble, share aesthetic stuff, and is just a place for myself. Before interacting/following/ect, please be sure to read this pinned post. Gets stuff out of the way.

BASICS

-Just call me 'ZIM' on here.

-I am 30+ years old as of writing this. If you are a minor and do not wish to interact with adults my age, then please consider that before you follow me.

-This is a side blog, so I don't do return follows on here.

-I am autistic and I have some nasty anxiety.

-I am genderfluid, but I prefer to be referred to by He/Him on this blog.

-I do not fandom tag. I don't want my posts mixing into the fandom.

-This blog does NOT support ZaDr or other ships.

-This blog is LGBTQ+ safe.

-This blog is strictly otherkin/Fictionkin/Alterhuman-only. I won’t indulge in off-topic stuff

About

So this is a side blog to another otherkin blog I have that I frankly don't use much anymore. I wanted to make this blog with the final acceptance of this part of me. This has been an underlying part of who I am since I was very young and has just recently came around once again now that I finally understand fictionkin, otherkin, alterhuman, ect.

I visually stim, so I often use personally-made icons, create aesthetic boards, ect to decorate my blog and posts with. So that's why the icons are here. I use colored text, as well.

Also, no. I am not going to type like I'm trying to RP ZIM because that's not what I'm doing here. So NO HYPER ALL-CAPS, NONSTOP TALKING LIKE THIS. That, and I know typing like that is frankly unpleasant to some people.

Lastly, I do tag such as basic 'Fictionkin' 'Otherkin' 'tw: -whatever-' for major/common triggers, but otherwise I just can't keep up with each individual trigger or tagging needs of anyone and everyone following me. I don't see myself posting anything that might need special tags anyway, but do be warned and proceed with caution because I may not tag individual preferences (phobias and stuff like that).

DNI and Don't DO's

This is basically just a list of "Hey, please don't do/say this stuff or just don't interact at all if you fall into/do any of these.

Do Not Interact:

-Anti-LGBTQ+

-Tr*mp Supporters

-Anti-BLM or Racist of Any Form

-Anti-Otherkin

-Anti-Fictionkin

-Anti-Polykin

-Toxic, abusive, or just plain unpleasant folks

-Pro-shipper

Just Don't Do:

-Send hate or just be plain unpleasant. If you don't support the alterhuman/fictionkin/otherkin/ect communities, then just move on please. Don't waste both of our time by sending hateful and rude messages that I'm just gonna end up ignoring and deleting anyway.

-Call me 'Kinnie'. Just...please don't.

-Call out "non-canon" posts or information I share. My experience won't be the same as another persons and it probably doesn't follow the series canon the way you know it.

[harley-the-pancake]

This is just a post to try and keep things organized on my blog. If you want to know my pronouns, name I go by, age, etc, just look in my bio. I just reblog and post whatever I want.

I don’t have an official dni, I just don’t give a fuck half the time, as long as you aren’t a dick to others, you can stay

I also don’t mind people using ideas that I have, making things off of the ideas or fics I have, or tagging me in silly @ games.

I also have a second account I occasionally use as a studyblr, which is Pancake-tries-college.

My AO3 is Pancake_Overlord

I have two side blogs:

@pancake-tries-college is where I keep my adulting stuff

@bite-sized-pancakes is where I keep my little stuff cause I think I may be an age dreamer 👍

My pfp is made by a picrew from @wervty

Important sorting tags:

#vent chai latte - posts that are vents or emotional (I don’t always use it I am gonna be honest)

#diary posting - a new tag I’ll be using when I ramble about emotions, meds or just more personal things that are not about my school or friends (LATER HARLEY UPDATE: It is also becoming a bit of less fun school stuff tag, eg talking with professors, getting homework done, etc)

#Into the datemate pile - a tag that I use just to save & share things with my datemate, who does not have an active tumblr

#ph anon of the opera - my ask tag. It does not matter if you are anon or no, you are all ph anon in my eyes hearts (I also have a tendency of hoarding my asks but be free to still send me asks)

#ask game - just replies I’m saving from like descriptions of me or ask games

#my wife saga - my datemate is studying abroad then researching in idaho so I’m being dramatic. This will be happening for 3 months.

Tell me if I need to tag anything for you

From @hee-blee-art

Posts that I feel like sharing:

A post I made about saving Rats SMP vods and led to some decent archives. I did nothing, but it has the link to the document that has a whole lot of links so!

A post I made with a document that I use to save a whole lot of MCC vods and a few VODs I have saved myself

Not an important post, however it’s a post I love and I want to keep on my pinned for when I want to see. It entails some games of One Night Ultimate Werewolf for my datemate’s birthday

This isn’t a post of mine, but I wanted to save Tumblr fairy tales

A ramble on the life series from my datemate. Read it. This is a threat /silly

A list of things to cheer anyone up ^-^

Candy for any trick or treaters who don’t want to send an ask

Best video ever

Datemate poll

[greatsylveon2007]

Rules: shuffle your 'on repeat' playlist and post the first ten tracks, then tag ten people.

Thank you @thegreatmaddu for tagging me and allowing me to ramble about music <3

Tried my best to explain my thoughts on each song but my thoughts are not comprehensible to anyone including myself so I apologize in advance

My thoughts are also.. kind of long, oops

1 - Sharks - Imagine Dragons

"You're hot, then you're cold, you're a light in the dark, just you wait and you'll see that you're swimming with sharks"

I didn't realize I listened to Sharks so often.. oops. If I had to guess I would say it's definitely because of the instrumental, especially towards the end, don't get me wrong I like the lyrics and the vocals, but the instrumental right before the last chorus sounds awesome imo

Surprised that out of all imagine dragons songs I know, this is the one I listen to the most apparently,, that was unexpected tbh

2 - Doubt Comes In - Hadestown

"i used to see the way the world could be, but now the way it is is all I see and- (Where is she? Where is she now?)

HADESTOWN GRR

This was the song that introduced me to Hadestown I am so normal about it

Idk the vocals are so perfect and I think that the instrumental going on for a lot longer than it does in the rest of the Hadestown songs really shows how oddly silent the journey is for Orpheus. I adore how, despite the fact that Eurydice is literally singing right behind him, he can't help but feel like it's all a trick by Hades, The Fates voices are also so haunting in this one?? Even in like Wait For Me they don't sound like that for me, I love it, they sound amazing 100% of the time but this time they killed it

Orpheus and Eurydice's parts have such a contrasting vibe too, I can listen the colours of their verses what the fuck

Great song super recommend

3 - If It's True - Hadestown

"I believe that we are many, I believe that they are few (we're standing, we're standing, we're standing) And it isn't for the few to tell the many what is true (we understand him)"

Hadestown again,, I have so many feelings about this song aaaa I actually first heard a parody of it in a Shrek 3 video, so hearing the exact same melody and part of the same lyrics on stage was definitely a shock and it took a while for me to process LMAO

I REALLY like this song, it helped me write a character of mine and I just adore the build up as Orpheus starts a riot, the way the workers start singing louder and louder, the lyrics in general and Reeve Carney's voice are phenomenal, I adore this song fr fr

4- Who is She? (Reprise) - Centaurworld

"Who is she? She's the ghost of the girl I used to know. Who is she? She's the echo I'm chasing"

ONE OF THE BEST CENTAURWORLD SONGS MY OPINION IS THE ONLY RIGHT ONE - If I had to rank it it would be like, around the top five..

I listen to this song a lot while I'm having my Hope brainrots because this song represents her so well, I can't talk about it because it's spoiler territory though, I really should start Storm of Shadows 😔

Anyway uhh I love the way they incorporate lyrics from Who is She, What if I Forget Your Face and Rainbow Road into this, and Glenn's voice is so good I love everything she sings in, the instrumental also sounds like really odd but in a good way? I can't tell if it's a darker version of the instrumental of a previous song or not but it definitely gives off those vibes

5 - True North - Vocal Line

"We never learned to use a compass, we never learned to read these maps, we always yearned for far off countries, we never found a straight way back"

OO I listen to this one solely because of a Paranormal Order OSNI campaign PMV idea I have.

The song itself rocks though, the singing voices are so good, the way they're just so calm is kind of haunting in a way? Like the male and female singers always switching between each other and there being (I believe at least) always at least two singers singing the exact same thing at once just gives off a feeling, a good one probably, but definitely a feeling

6 - That Me Is Not Me - Tryhardninja

"Doppelgänger demon in disguise, eyes appear in shadows in the night, evil never dies, it multiplies, multiplies, lies"

"Oh so you're a Mandela Catalog fan-" no, ok so, you know how I just said True North is because of a campaign of Paranormal Order... This song is because of the Quarentena campaign KAMKDKSOS

THIS CAMPAIGN IS SPOKEN IN ENGLISH PLEASE CHECK IT OUT I AM STARVING FOR PO HUMAN INTERACTION

Anyway I've been blasting this song since the first episode on the 25th and it's a certified banger

Oh right the song, tryhardninja's songs just have a very specific vibe that I really like and I cannot explain, I really like his voice and the way he sings stuff idk,, I don't have an explanation for this one I just vibe really hard with it :)

7 - Epic III - Hadestown

"King of shadows; king of shades; Hades was king of the Underworld. But he fell in love with a beautiful lady; who walked up above; in her mother's green field; he fell in love with Persephone"

This is my uhhh third Hadestown song.. I promise I am normal about Hadestown (I'm a liar)

If I had to rank every Hadestown song ever this would be a strong competitor for first place ngl ngl..

I love how the song is cheerful and magic while recounting the first meeting between Persephone and Hades, but turns slow and melancholic as it leaves that memory and goes back to the present.

The way Orpheus uses his feelings for Eurydice to relate to how Hades felt about Persephone, even going as far as using lyrics from his duets with her makes me feel, and the ending where he says things about Hades that drove Persephone away that COINCIDENTALLY are also things about himself that drove Eurydice away it's just so AA

The show really hyped up this song and it absolutely delivered, makes my brain feel many things

(This is my way of begging you to listen to the Hadestown soundtrack)

8 - I'm glad you're evil too - Rachie, PalmMute

"We laught while staring down the void, and cry while listening to vocaloid, two lonely and broken souls messing around with their lives"

This song is just really sweet I like it :) Vocaloid and vocaloid covers just have this very specific vibe

This song is extremely Spook and Chaos core I love it so much I want to draw them being happy forever

To me Rachie's voice just sounds really good with the lyrics and the song is just sweet, it has an energy I cannot put into words and I'm just very normal about it. One of the few songs able to out "memes" into the lyrics and not sound funny

9 - The Goose & the Wren - Hop Along

"While the outcry of 20 men, run from the nearby batallion; as if we avoid their light, then we might make it home tonight"

Another song I keep replaying while thinking of an Paranormal Order PMV (specifically the OSNF campaign hehe)

I don't know I really like the more simple vibe of it? I especially like the singing voices not being your typically smooth crazy beautiful voices you normally hear in music, it gives it a very unique energy that I really like! It sounds like a group of friends singing with each other, I like that :)

10 - Not Evil - The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part

"I'm Queen Watevra Wa'Nabi, the most least evil person you'll ever meet; and if you make eye contact with me, I totally won't have you executed immediately"

While I was flying to the USA the plane I was in had The Lego Movie 2 and I had only watched I think the second half of it by that point so I decided to check it out, tragically this song got stuck in my head 😔

There is no deep super analysis/personal project reason I like this song, Tiffany Haddish is simply killing it and I like how it sounds (the animation definitely helped too)

I uhhh definitely do not know 10 music nerds on this site and the ones I don't know I have no idea if they have Spotify or not..... Don't feel obligated to do this 😔

@rosia4309 @cristallun @crysolis @i dont know anyone else lmaoo

[levbolton]

It is I, anon from earlier today and I can now in confidence tell you that your fics have broken me down into nothingness.

Not only am I stupid and cannot read tags but I repeatedly let myself be comforted by your writing only to be hit with the sad truth at the end. You can’t keep getting away with this /j .Your style is so unique and I can feel the passion you have for the characters as you can see their inner turmoils on the writings. I love how you bring them to life

My personal favourite is Monologue (which is highly underrated btw). I love the dynamic between Fumi and Maki plus Fumi talking about her day made me smile so much. Then cane the gut wrenching feeling about Maki. Honestly you managed to balance the fluff with the angst out so well and I really adored it.

To conclude this annoying fan’s rambling, you are my favourite blue period writer and such a great storyteller. I know how you’ve stated that the fandom is quite inactive (cause it is) but your presence manages to be so outstanding to me. I don’t know why I was too nervous to follow now but I might as well write my letter of appreciation so it can be covered by the bots.

I hope you are able to continue doing what you love and have a great rest of day. 🙃

thanks op, kinda figured bcs i have emails from ao3 and your usernames match

personally 'monologue' is quite the lackluster for me, i wanted to use the concept, i think i wanted to make it about ytyt with yotasuke that would tell yatora about the summer festival only to reveal at the end that yatora was unconscious the whole time so yotasuke wasn't talking with anyone, i got the idea while working on 'a psychological take' (where i wrote already a summer festival so it felt unnecessary to do it again) and at the same time i wanted to write fumimaki (bcs there's literally nothing for this married couple, almost canon i'd say, more canon than ytyt), so i combined both, i was still in a phase where i wanted to kill all characters and make them suffer which i think i did a lot and now i just want to write them relax and be happy (writing depression is hard), so it's not really that original inside my head, but im glad at least someone else likes it (for me billy of tea was way more fun to think about)

tbh i've been thinking about moving on from blp for quite a few months already but i simply can't find something else to interest me the same way ytyt does, which sucks bcs if i don't write then no one will write stuff, rn i want to finish this fic i'm sorking on (i hope i get to 100k), then a oneshot about ytyt soulmates and another oneshot about miki and ayano only, then idk, i think it would be good to retire (not to be petty actually, but i did write 40% of the words in the yatoyota tag on ao3)

fandom isn't really only inactive, it is now a bit (i continuously try to collect blp fans here and on twt, the more the merrier), but i just felt ignored since the anime was airing, again maybe it was the bad timing bcs i started posting my first fic towards the end of the anime when people lost the interest bcs that adaptation is horrible, then in february yamaguchi had covid and from march to july it was complete hiatus and then the whole dj drama (which i'd lie if i said the mob mentality to drop it didn't affect me too although i was the one to uncover the doujinshis on my own weeks before it got to twitter, anyway my idea was: this isn't a piece of media i care about and i am already deeply in love with blue period so whatever, my respect for yamaguchi decreased and i got a passive aggressive attitude towards her until she posted the new year ytyt picture with bunnies this january, now i seriously don't care abt whatever else she drew - also damn i'm really side railing with this)

thanks again for your support, sorry for the long unnecessary text lmao, i have too much free time

[partofyourcrisis]

hi guys (my like. 4 followers) i was tagged a while ago to do one of those get to know you things with the questions or the prompts and so i tried to write this earlier but then i didnt know if i was supposed to do the same prompts or if there was a different post somewhere but then i just got nervous and never did it because i never actually write my own posts on this hellsite (affectionate) but anyways here goes (thanks jo @fluxofdaydreams for the tag you are so cool) (also im pretty sure i put a readmore right below this text but i never make posts so i cant be sure so im so sorry for putting a long post on your dash if i did)

1. last song: according to what was up on my spotify when i opened the app just now its beyond the mist from the alice in borderland soundtrack but the most recent. lyrical/non-instrumental song ive listened to was apparently i am my own muse from the new fall out boy album which i find hilarious because its buried in my spotify history surrounded by a bunch of other scores and soundtracks and other instrumental music and its possible that i love it so much because it reminds me of those. anyways. sorry to ramble

2. last show: the bear season 2

3. last movie: escape room and escape room 2: tournament of champions both of which i watched last night because i love shitty horror and i love puzzles. they were pretty good for entertainment purposed and “try to beat the characters to figuring out the puzzle” purposes

4. currently watching: im in the middle of. so many things. ive started one piece but can you really say you’re currently watching one piece if its more like you’ve resigned yourself to the fact that watching all 1064 and counting episodes of one piece will take years of your life, rather than days?

5. currently reading: i just finished ninth house and hell bent by leigh bardugo yesterday and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow by gabrielle nevin like 20 minutes ago

6. current obsession: honestly nothing is making me chew drywall rn surprisingly. i also dont have a good enough memory to tell you what it was most recently. i only really let myself obsess over something after ive finished it because i try to avoid spoilers so. idk.

i dont really know who to tag who would explicitly welcome being tagged since i havent really talked to anyone on here (i mostly communicate by liking and reblogging things from people i like) but if anyone does actually want to do this i would love to learn more about any of you

thanks for listening, void

[rayvern-sheep]

Update on my mental health: I am doing better! Just in case anyone read those concerning posts the past few weeks and was worried.

I have kinda long-winded advice sorta shit under the cut if you are thinking of top surgery but know you don’t deal w/ change well, or have got it but are wondering why you still feel like shit weeks later when everyone else seems to feel better. And then some more rambling in the tags if you’re into that sorta thing.

Oh boy it’s long under the cut… Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Some advice: if you have a hard time w/ big change, small change, any kind of change. Be prepared to have a hard time w/ top surgery recovery. The general consensus if you research it is that post-op depression is over by abt the fourth week, and that is actually deemed late by some sources. Many said the second or third week. If you are starting to feel worse after that point it does not mean you made a mistake! Don’t panic!

Even though I wrote several notes to myself before the procedure explaining that I did in fact want this, and I know I am bad w/ change, that did not help me when I was in the pits of a doom spiral. I’m ngl that was genuinely the worst I’ve been mentally in years. I had to ring a suicide hotline at one point because I thought I’d lost the point of life. Talk to someone you trust abt how you’re feeling. I just straight up sobbed into my mum’s shoulder abt how I didn’t understand anything anymore and I was terrified I’d made a mistake getting surgery. She talked me through it and reminded me that I’d wanted this for years, that I didn’t go outside w/out a binder on, etc. She reminded me that everyone deals w/ things at different times, just because most ppl feel perfectly fine by the one month mark it doesn’t mean I would. Then after that I just hung out w/ her. The day after that we went and did some chores outside the house. A little time outside is often a good idea, I do regret to inform you.

I’m not gonna say I’m all fixed and perfect now. I’m still low energy and back to hiding in my baggy hoodies (now I can get them on again yippee!!!) but I’m not pushing myself rn. And I wish I had some good advice other than idk have a good system of loved-ones. If you have a therapist talk to them. Don’t be like me and bottle shit up. I’m so good at bottling shit up that I do not notice smthn is getting bad until I’m at the very bottom of the fucking doom spiral and I look up and see how far I fell down it lmao.

I wrote a whole diff paragraph but deleted it. Better version though is just try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Surgery is exhausting, and feeling burned-out even after a month isn’t smthn to be ashamed of. Just focus on keeping yourself sane. If possible take it easy, do things half-assed and low-effort for a while if you can get away w/ it. Just while you mentally catch up to your new stuff.

For some ppl top surgery “fixes” all their problems, but for most it does not. Whatever mental or physical problems you had before surgery, you will still have. Now, my surgeon literally told me surgery would not fix everything. I knew this before going into this, before I even had my first conversation with him, and I still had a bad fucking time mentally. So don’t expect to feel perfect. I was in a weird surreal bubble for the first like 3(?) weeks where I was just physically recovering before my head fucking lost it.

I don’t wanna put anyone off, and tbh worrying abt how bad you’re gonna feel can be a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I just wanna say that it can get rough. But if it does, you are not alone!!! You’ve not ruined your life, it’s not the end of the world, you still have something to live for. Keep pushing through, take it slow, talk to someone you trust. Try to do things that comfort you and help you feel safe. You’re gonna get through it.

Idk man I just wanted to share my experience on this. Because in my frantic research from the bottom of the pit all I could see were smiling faces saying they felt the best they’d ever felt in their life. It was euphoria all day every day. And the only ppl who weren’t feeling perfect were the ppl unhappy w/ their results. But the thing is I love my results, everything looks as expected. It’s literally how I drew it lmao, couldn’t have gone better. Not to brag sorry. But the point was, nothing was wrong physically. The majority of the physical healing was done, but my brain hadn’t been healing at all during that time. It was just putting itself to the side while the body did it’s thing. And when even proper medical sources are saying that ppl usually start to feel mentally better after the fourth week, and I was actually starting to feel shitty by that point, it rlly made me worry smthn was wrong. I was frantically trying to blame something for what I was feeling. And it was likely a whole mess of shit, with the main culprit being my inability to process change. Dude I freak out when a loved-one gets a tattoo or a piercing or changes their fucking hair. I wish I was joking, but I’m not. It stresses me out. And although I always get over it eventually, I should’ve known that this was gonna happen. After those early weeks of the itchy haze, I totally should’ve known a mental spiral was on the horizon. But I was just so lost in the sauce that was the whole experience.

I would not change the experience of top surgery for the world. I only wish I’d been more prepared for the dive my mental health would take so late in the game. I expected post-op depression. But as I said that’s usually only in the first couple of weeks. So when it didn’t happen I thought I was okay. But oooooo boy. I forgot how slow my brain is at processing shit. And hey, if I did “make a mistake” in getting my tits chopped off. If in the future I’m like “Hey I’m a woman now!” then so fucking what. There are titless women out there, and they’re no less woman than a woman w/ tits so big they break her back. Life is for living so fucking do that. I’ve not butchered or ruined my body even if my gender does change in the future. Get rekt transphobes.

ANYWAY… I think I’ve rambled enough. If I remember smthn I’ll prob add it in a RB cos this post is already long enough now. Thank fuck for the “read more” function. So I can hide all my stupid mushy shit under here and not clog up someone’s dash. Yippee!!

[a-horse-ponders]

Pondering on Creativity

There is something that is broken in my mind. I don’t know what it is though, as I simply cannot describe it well enough for anyone to understand. The best way to put it is that I am incapable of creativity. There is a disconnect when I attempt any creative endevour, from trying to write fiction, to being a GM in a D&D campaign, to trying to design anything. I cannot express myself in terms that others can understand.

People have drawn things infront of me I still cannot grasp how those pencil strokes turned into an image. I also cannot describe that image to people. Description is probably the main flaw I’ve got, where I just cannot describe things. Perhaps my education was deficient? I doubt it, but still, if someone was to ask me what something looked like I’d struggle beyond the basics. What does this tree look like? It’s a tree. Dunno how tall it is, but it’s got a lotta green leaves, you know, it’s a tree.

When I read descriptions of characters in books, I simply cannot assemble this “mental image” that people talk about. This is probably why I read so much fan fiction, because the mental load of trying to parse a description is simply offloaded to recalling what the character looked like in the source material, or official adaptation.

I’ve been banned from Art classes at school because I’m just that fucking awful at this creating thing, and it’s created an eternal frustration where I have ideas (terrible ones) but I cannot express them in any medium. The written word? Awful, see above for how I can’t describe anything without resorting to using tags like I’m a fucking database. Drawing? I struggle with how a circle works. Speaking? Lol to who? I’ve got no friends.

The only success I found was playing around with this AI art stuff. I input a bunch of tags into a form and 30 seconds later an image that I wanted appeared. It was amazing, I finally managed to convey my idea. I felt this little glow of satisfaction that I imagine all creatives feel when they pull this off.

Of course, I didn’t actually do anything. I just fed text inputs into a program someone else created, to drive an algorithm developed by another person, to then ask my GPU to render something based on stolen assets created by a lot of talented people without their permission. But for that brief moment I looked at the picture on screen and I was so happy.

I made the mistake of mentioning this in a discord channel and I was yelled at for about half an hour about the evils of AI art and how what I made was nothing but some soulless abomination and I’m an awful person for even attempting it. I was reminded that I am some broke brain fuckup who cant create anything. I haven’t touched the AI art stuff since

I wonder if being able to create is somehow tied to being able to create life? I was born with a defective body, sterile from birth. Is there a connection there? Biologically sterile, creatively sterile? Something to ponder in future I guess.

Apologies for rambling, but I need to ramble somewhere, and doing it in my head just makes me sadder.

[roundhousekickingheight]

tagged by @maverickbackalley

ohoho thank you mav… this sounds very fun

3 ships: i am currently very invested in ephemeralartshipping/hassius (hassel x brassius from pokemon scarlet and violet), victuuri (victor x yuuri from yuri on ice) (didn’t even watch the show until 2020 but god damn), and in a tossup for third i’d say harrykim (harry x kim from disco elysium). if oc ships counted then it would be my friend’s ocs. i’m probably forgetting something and i’ll yell at myself later but like.

first ever ship: shipping wasn’t something i even considered until i was like 10 but uh. nalu (natsu x lucy) from fairy tail. it’s such a normal ship it’s really pretty generic.

last song: spotify claims it was origin by kana-boon. in my opinion they are the epitome of shitty generic j-rock and i’ve somehow been listening to them for long enough that it’s nostalgic.

last movie: knives out, i suppose. on new year’s eve we watched glass onion and then knives out after so. that.

currently playing: i’m gonna answer this one too even though it was an alt for mav. it’s also imminently obvious to anyone following my blog. pokemon violet and splatoon for anyone who was wondering.

currently reading: i’ve been currently reading last night at the telegraph club for around a year but it’s the only book i’m in the middle on right now.

currently watching: i’m sitting on the couch watching jeopardy does that count. okay listen you’re not getting anything better i don’t watch narrative tv. OH OH WAIT IM PARTWAY THROUGH SEASON 2 OF INITIAL D ACTUALLY THAT COUNTS.

currently consuming: …frozen peas. LISTEN I DONT KNOW THEYRE PEAS IN THEIR OPTIMAL FORM. seriously the texture is wayyy better than cooked and whatever corners i have to cut to make sure i actually get good amounts of nutrition i’m going to do

currently craving: not much right now, maybe just some really good mint chocolate chip ice cream like the stuff i get from the place near my grandparents’ house

i rambled a lot on these oh whatever

there’s no one i could tag who hasn’t done this already so instead lovely followers i invite you do this! i love when people get to talk about their interests (plus i do see you all in my notes and i appreciate you). and, of course, no pressure if you don’t want to

tag 9 people you’d like to get to know better

thank you @defonotacat for tagging me! <3

3 ships: eruri (the most tragic and sexy ship ever), beabato (perfect male wife and girlboss energy) and satorika/labmdabern (killsbians my beloved)

first ever ship: like first ever ever? clara and prince eric, i loved it when i was 3 years old and i still love it now

last song: sleeping beauty op.66 th13 act 1:6 valse

last movie: christmas carol i think

currently reading: before the coffee gets cold by toshikazu kawaguchi

currently watching: nothing, all my shows ended so it's yt time and watching long analysis about stuff i don't really care about

currently consuming: leftover christmas candy

currently craving: to be hugged maybe hah

tagging: @darling-valentine, @satorikas, @minty-muse, @roseofcards90, @svetlushka, @alaiyoooon, @arocinema, @shiomatsuzaka, @not-quitenormal, i hope you don't mind? uwu